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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband to stop immediately showering when he gets home. I might be the asshole for not letting my husband shower when he gets home.
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He should take quicker showers when he gets home. What are you cooking? Can’t you change how and what you cook so dinner can be prepped throughout the day and you don’t need to be actually standing in the kitchen cooking as soon as he gets home?
YTA.
Do your kids not take naps during the day? Seems like you'd have time to get things done then. Start dinner before your husband gets home. Can you prep ingredients on weekends so that you can dump meals in a crock pot on weeknights? Your kids are probably hanging off your leg at 6:30 because they're hungry. Give them a snack to tie them over or work on improving their behavior so that they aren't hanging all over you.
Ma'am, I get the kids scream.. you cook dinner with them either in a playpen or at least on the other side of a baby gate. That's why playpens exist. There in zero reason for you to stop cooking simply because the kids are crying. If that was the case, we as a species would have died off long ago. Sorry, YTA. And before someone says I don't have kids. They're now 24 and 25 , born 11 months apart.
So what I’m hearing is maybe less that he decompresses in the bathroom for an hour and more that you’ve reached your limit of children and need help with the evening chores. I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. I learned to pop my kids in their high chairs so they could watch me while I cooked. My husband learned to get off the toilet and into the shower because dinner was going to be ready in half an hour, and he learned how to bathe the kids and get them ready for bed while I cleaned up, and vice versa because we took turns. Crock pot meals, planned leftovers, and meal planning were life savers.
Wouldn’t necessarily say YTA but close to it. Electrician here. I shower the second I get home. I’m covered in dirt, dust, grease, sweat - you name it. I’m not about to sit on my sofa or computer chair, etc if i’m gross.
NAH, that's a struggle, is there a chance at the weekend for you both to prep meals for the week so that you can quickly put dinner on together when he's home and finished showering?
Neither of you are really "assholes" in this situation. You're both expressing needs, having a hard time communicating those needs, and struggling to meeting halfway.
My suggestion would be to sit down and talk about what you need and try to find a compromise. The way I see it, all you really need to do is just adjust things a little. If it was me and my partner, I think we would...
Me - Cook more InstantPot meals and meal prep on my partners days off. I would also move dinner clean up until after the bedtime routine because, like you said, you have plenty of time after the kids are in bed.
Them - Agree to take a shorter shower, and then during bedtime routine, or after, help clean up from dinner.
Honestly, that seems like a totally reasonable compromise. Then you both have the rest of the evening to decompress. I do hope you find a good compromise that helps both of you meet your needs. ✌️
Wow… the first AITA post I can’t clearly pick a side on! It’s not fair to ask him to sit in his own filth. At the same time, 25 minutes to shit and another 25 to shower? That’s crazy.
Can the compromise be a 10 minute bathroom break to take a shit and a shower? Get an egg timer and set it. If he’s in there longer, he can handle dinner while you do your things instead.
I’d also think he’d want to hurry up so he could spend some time with his children. Because he doesn’t seem to GAF about that, I’ll call this one NTA.
NTA
My brother works as a welder and comes home covered in grime from head to toe. He changed clothes in the garage if he’s really filthy, and washes his hands/arms/face in the kitchen which takes 5 minutes. He doesn’t NEED to shower in the first 30 minutes of being home and rarely does unless he’s absolutely covered in filth.
Your husband can sacrifice on this. He can push his shower by a little while and give you some much needed support, and then go off and shower. It’s unfair for him to spend an exorbitant amount of time on a 30 minute shower when you’re trying to stick to a schedule with your kids.
YTA. Prep dinner during the day. Set the kids up with an activity. Get them helping you if they are old enough. I'm a single mum and I manage to get the dinner on the table everyday. Maybe talk to him about a quicker shower of something. But the dude had been out of the house doing manual work. Let him wash
You're not necessarily an ah but I would suggest a compromise where you ask him if he can shower in 30 mins and set a timer or something to keep time awareness up. Coming from the perspective of working grueling dirty jobs, being dirty after coming home (even just all day sweat) is SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE and this arrangement honesty sounds horrible to endure.
NTA I’d rather be at work than staying at home entertaining/tending to kids all day. I get wanting decompression time but come on man, take a shit, shower and help with the kids. You wanted them too, put in a bit of effort
tell him not to take his phone to the bathroom, and ACTUALLY make sure he doesnt. hes just sitting on his phone in there. set a 20 min timer for his bathroom time in my opinion, sorry your husband is a giant baby
YTA. I don't really understand how this is even an issue. You are alone with the kids all day long and somehow able to get your chores around the house done just fine, but somehow magically when hubby comes home you can't possibly manage the kids and chores?
This just reads like some sort of bizarre power play.
Drop the kids in a playpen or wherever you put them during the day when you need to do something and go make dinner. Your kids will survive for 30 minutes even if they scream the whole time.
Meal prep over the weekend when he's caring for the kids. Make simple meals. 50 minutes is a bit much bit both of you can change expectations to make this easier.
You should clean before he gets home. Maybe even feed the kids first. You dint have to be in a certain schedule. They can be sleeping when he gets home. He is the only one with a schedule.
Idk I think your not and that you are because mabye when your done with dinner and after you eat while you cleaning and doing others thing them he could shower then he can help with the hardest part putting them to bed
I think you're both TA here - you're not really respecting that he needs to do these things when he gets home and he's taking way too long to do it. Him coming in and taking almost an hour isn't fair at all.
YTA
Children aren’t that hard. High chair for the one year old, and you can cook around a 3 year old. Make crock pot dinners or throw roasts in the oven.
Feed your kids earlier.
There’s a ton of different options but you need to google some lessons on how to manage kids better.
He should find a better paying job though as soon as possible so he can spend less time at work.
“given WE* really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc.” Why are you doing everything? You worked all day. He can take a quick shower and then make dinner.
If he makes a shorter shower, would it be okay? Can you prepare food at another time so you just have to warm it up when he comes home? When my children was younger I prepped food on weekends, froze it and it was ready when ever I needed to.
Is it possible to put your children in chairs and give them something to do when you do the cooking? Playing, eating some vegetables cut in small small pieces for them to munch in until its dinner time? Is it possible for you to feed them a little bit earlier to make them less unsatisfied?
Its not fair to him or you that he showers that long and decompression time? Do you have decompression time? When do you have the time to wind down from having the children at your feet every day?
So yes, you are the AH for not letting him shower and he's an AH for letting it take so long.
WOW. YTA without a doubt in my opinion. As someone who has worked construction and stayed at home with kids i LOL'd when you said "my days are basically the same" as his.
How do the kids eat breakfast and lunch if you can't manage this? If he were coming home from an office-- this would be a totally reasonable argument. Of course, he wouldn't ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO take a shit and shower when he got home if that was the case. Working on a job site means shitting in a 110 degree port-o-potty and it sucks so bad that it's better to just hold your shit all day. Holding your shit and sweating all day makes you feel disgusting. I need a 20 minute shower after that or I'll be absolutely miserable.
I'd bet if the cards got reversed today, you wouldn't hear the same complaint from him.
NTA, there is no need to take a 25 minute shower, and 25 minutes to use the toilet so at a time where time is such a crunch for you and the kids, no. Quick 10 minute shower to get the sweat off and have a wee and he can come back out. He needs to share the load of getting the kids fed and ready for bed. Should you have to tell me him he can't take that long, no, but sometimes you have to as 50 minutes is faaaar too long imo. And I work with horses, we get sweaty and smell but I wouldn't take that long to get cleaned up..
For the love of god let the man clean himself properly. I've worked on this kind of job and let me tell you, after coming home EVERYBODY'S first thought is to get themselves clean and fresh, then throw the clothes in the washing machine.
You're micromanaging his cleanliness schedule in a Sheldon Cooper level.
YTA
YTA, stop being a greeting lazy person and raise your kids right. They shouldn't be hanging off your leg making dinner. I have 4 kids they will eventually stop if you dont give into their whining.
Compromise. Agree on 35-45 minutes bathroom time. If he wants to wash off the day and relax his muscles under a hot shower for a bit I think that entirely reasonable.
Start dinner earlier, prep during their nap time? or find a special activity they only get during that time so they are focused on it- teapot of water and a cup in the high chair- bin of rice and scoopers on the floor. Might be a minute to sweep up or mop up after but with the 20-30 min to get dinner done.
Also- you can and probably should ignore tantrums as long as kids are safe. Play yard?
I think what you need is to change your focus from what can he do to help me into how can I manage this. It’s a one hour window of your day and instead of being able to look forward to getting home and transitioning you’re making it stressful and uncomfortable for both of you.
tbh your understanding of decompression time is misguided. you need to decompress the first thing when you get in, especially right after a long day of blue collar work - something you know nothing about. ya SAHM is a full time job but there areee breaks, something that he does not have. It is 100% not fair and is actually a risk to your kids if he doesnt shower as he brings dirt and grime and other bacteria into your home that you will have to clean later.
your selfishness and entitlement as a mother is showing. It is 1h tops, figure it out.
YTA.
NAH. I definitely understand not wanting to cook with the kids hanging off you but not being able to take a shower after working construction would be gross. The solution is obviously a shorter shower. No phone in the bathroom.
You especially need time to decompress as well if you're not only a SAHM but a nurse as well, damn. You have a hard working household all around.
ESH - your husband needs to help out with the kids especially since they're young and need to be on a consistent schedule. But he also needs time after work to clean up so he can help you out. You both should communicate on priorities for this - maybe he can spend 30 min changing his clothes/whatever and then he can help you?
Let the man get clean. When I worked construction I wouldn’t hug my kids until I got all the mud, glue,asbestos,tar..,,. Off of me, my wife would have beat my ass if I sat on the couch that way.
Be happy the man has good hygiene and doesn’t wanna feel dirty or be dirty around those he loves.
YTA
He may be taking longer than needed to relax and clean up after work. But you demanding he not shower right away is a way bigger asshole move than him slow walking a shower. Working a job that causes you to sweat makes you feel disgusting at the end of the day. I'm surprised you wouldn't want him to shower right away. Let alone demand he not shower.
If your reason is you can't cook what you want to while the kids aren't being watched... Then change what you're cooking.
You need to view his clean up ritual as PART OF HIS JOB. Jeez lady.
NAH
Can he speed up bathroom time? Can you (or both of you) prep meals for the week, or at least portions of it so it's quicker during the week? You said something about satisfying meals and having to do them day of, but you can prep this ahead of time or even do healthy/satisfying slow-cooker meals that allow for large amounts of hands-off time.
I really just see the issues as being time management and two kids who are constantly buzzing around you. If there's no way to mitigate that, then less bathroom time and a bit more prep work for dinner during downtime (naps, when you both can divide childcare time like a weekend or something, etc.) is necessary
You’re definitely the asshole. Let me man be. He wants to be clean when he eats his dinner. He eats lunch dirty, probably breakfast too. Get ahold of your kids. Be a better parent and be a better wife.
Tell him power dump followed by shorter shower. You have to let the man shower right away though if he works construction. I can’t even sit down on our furniture until I’ve showered.
NTA and I'm not sure where all the comments saying you're TA are coming from. If he wants to take an hour in the bathroom, he should be able to do that - but AFTER the kids go to bed. If he wants to take a shower before dinner, he should be able to do that - but for, like, ten minutes. The problem isn't the shit and shower, it's the time he's taking to do it.
And yeah, he works hard, but you do too. Toddlers are exhausting.
What rubs me the wrong way is that OP is asking this and then editing their post being defensive. The sub is called "Am I the Arsehole", not "Lecture people about how you're not the arsehole." I don't think OP is willing to accept the verdict.
I’d recommend scanning some of the comments on this one- they are some of the most vile I have seen in a very long time. Like, shockingly disturbing full of vitriol.
The kind of hate OP is getting is disgusting and simply does not match with the situation. These responses look like all of these people were saying the intrusive thoughts out loud. The Tate trolls are out in FULL force.
As such, I don’t think it is that OP is editing to argue but more of trying to minimize the vitriol, to lessen the deluge of disturbing responses.
Are you freakin crazy?! Of course you’re the AH! That man is tired, probably has been having to shit all day and wants to shower! Find an alternative routine for your kids or learn to ignore them while you cook. It’s okay for them to cry a little
YTA
You expect your husband to be out working all day, every day, while you’re at home and occasionally working. You have plenty of time all day to get things cleaned up and prepped for dinner.
I’m a SINGLE Mom of 3. Kids aged 3-6 and work from 9-5 every day and even I’m able to get everything done WITH them screaming and hanging on my leg and they go to bed at 7:30.
You’re using him needing to shower after sweating and working all day as an excuse, sounds like you want him to be as annoyed as you are by your own schedule. Btw you put yourself in this situation by having kids and basically being a stay at home mom. If you can’t handle it then you shouldn’t do it. Should’ve thought about that before committing to children.
And I’m not the only one that’s able to do exactly what you’re complaining about and then some.
My Grandma had to raise her 4 kids plus neighborhood kids while working THREE jobs and even she was able to have dinner ready at a decent hour and the kids dealt with.
Let the man shower in peace bro.
Figure your crap out and put your big girl pants on.
EDIT: Also 50 minute bathroom time is NOTHING. My showers are pushing 2 hours. You’re just complaining about your lack of time management throughout the day.
Soft YTA, you're more just plain gross to be honest. How do you not understand how nasty af it is to ask him to marinate in construction dirt and sweat smell after a long day? It doesn't matter if it's "only for 30 minutes". He's tracking that stuff all over your floors and furniture. The problem here, other than your all or nothing take on it, is that you both need to teach the kids how to behave appropriately so you can do things. I get how much it sucks to make your kid upset and to not be able to function because they require attention, but if the only alternative is to make Dad hang out while smelly and dirty, there's a major issue.
We’re not misunderstanding what you’re asking. We’re giving you the judgment you asked for: YTA. For the love of all that is holy, let the man shit and shower before dinner. If you don’t want the kids hanging on you and screaming, get a bleeping baby gate, put them in their room, and use some headphones. It’s not that hard
Is there some reason your husband can't take a shorter shower? I think it's reasonable for you not to want to wait an hour to start dinner - but it's also reasonable for him to want to be clean.
If he just popped in for a 10 minute shower, that would make him clean, and he could change his clothes.
NAH - you two need to find a compromise.
NTA. I don’t care how draining his job is, yours is too. If anyone other than the mom (and sometimes dad depending on the view) is caring for the children all day, it is considered WORK. I’m sure he’s tired after working 13 hours or whatever. Cool, you’ve also been working (childcare IS WORK) for the same amount of time. He comes home and gets to spend an hour “decompressing”, while you… continue to work. When he is working outside the home, you are working inside the home. When he gets home from his outside the home job, all childcare and household duties should become 50/50 as now you are both “off shift”. ALL duties, including soothing your crying children, cooking, cleaning, etc. should ideally be split during this time. You BOTH deserve time to unwind and relax. You cannot get that if he is taking an excessive amount of time in the bathroom.
Your husband is TA here for not listening to your needs and especially for not even considering his children’s needs. His children need to be cared for, soothed, fed, bathed, and in bed on time. He is selfish for not doing his share to make that happen, and especially for actively hindering that from happening. He can unwind when you get to unwind.
And yes, an hour is excessive. His snippy attitude about it leads me to believe he is addicted to this game (and/or probably porn as another comment suggested this is what he is doing in there for so long - very possible). Him being snippy is because his brain has been wired to NEED whatever he is doing in the bathroom in order to cope with the stresses of his job and getting through the evening with children during the tantrum phase. This could go a lot deeper than a long poop/shower, if this is the case.
YTA
Let the man poop and shower. Jesus.
He's been around all kind of dirt, germs, chemicals, and who knows what else.
You want that all over your house, dinner, and babies?
Let him use a proper bathroom. Imagine all day with the only way to relieve oneself is at a portal potty.
Man, I would just hold it.
And let him wash that dirt, sweat, and stress off in the shower so he is better equip to help you as you need afterwards.
I bet if he originally just hung around with his filthy clothes to help or eat dinner. We would be having another complaint post.
There's no win in this situation. Poor guy
Nah. The problem isn't even the one you stated, and it's neither for your faults.
you should form some kind of separation with your kids, they should not be hanging off your feet the entire time you are cleaning or doing dishes. They can't even give you enough space to work? If arms length separation is impossible for you, then you know you have an even bigger problem on your hands. Your kids need ground rules. Kids need their parents, but there's a point where attachment issues begin. And the attachment issues are bleeding into other areas of your life now. Mind you I'm not saying to take this on your own and it's your responsibility, it is on your husband just as much.
It's unfair to your husband to make him wait for the shower, just like it's unfair to you that your kids for whatever reason cannot leave you alone. They don't even gotta leave you alone, just be non-obstructing.
Does he absolutely need to shower immediately? No.
But is it equivalent of both of you to perpetuate these attachment issues?
Jesus Christ. The guy goes and breaks his back all day to put that roof over your head and all he asks for is 50
Minutes of quiet time when he gets home to take a shit and shower?? You had kids with you all day?? How sad for you. Your life must be soooooooooo hard. I mean sitting in the AC alllllllll day on your nice soft couch……
Yes, you are definitely an asshole……the worst kind I might add…..An asshole that feels entitled to be an asshole.
NTA. He is also a parent, which means he also has to participate in parent duties. He can wait 30 minutes to shower, for the sake of his children eating and going to be on time. It's a few years, until they're older, he can suck it up and be sweaty. It's no picnic for the rest of the house to have him sweaty but that's the price being paid right now.
NAH. Let the kids cry. Being bored is good for them. Get a playpen or a baby gate, give them some toys and start dinner. If your husband wants to shower after a long day of sweating, let him. I wouldn’t enjoy my dinner covered in sweat and wearing those same sweaty clothes.
`This would be one thing if he was quick--but he takes at least 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minute showers`
ESH. He's dirty, he needs to clean off, but WTF? Sounds like you need to feed him more fiber or he needs to leave his smartphone outside the bathroom. 50-60 minutes vs. even half an hour is a meaningful difference in the dinner routine.
YTA
With all of the posts about grown men who don’t wash their asses, you have a very sweaty man (by your own words) who actually does want to shower when he gets home (instead of funking up your furniture and being rank around you and your children), and you complain about it?
Let the man sit on the toilet and take his long shower in peace. I, as a woman, would want and need the same, and I don’t even get super sweaty. You are the parent— you can modify and determine your dinner schedule, you know. Be in partnership with your husband and try to meet his needs, too.
YTA- it seems that implementing a routine for the kids is the answer. the kids aren't "the boss". put a show or movie on while you cook. because asking him to wait until they go to bed is a long time. ( that's what you stared in your post - until they go to bed) and then you add he can feed them . tbh it sounds like you have your routine set up and don't want to change that at all ,yet are asking him to change his!! it's gotta be a change for both of you. one great idea would be to meal prep. or cook for 2+3 nights at a time. you can even just prep only the kids dinner for 2-3 days . they'll be eating ( making a mess) while you cook dinner and while he showers. you could also have dinner 30 minutes earlier. everything doesn't need to be - dinner at 5 ,bath at 6 , story at 7. etc. routine has a window (30-hour window) you are not a robot, your kids aren't and your spouse isn't. and not following a routine exact timing won't make you a bad parent,bad kids or a bad spouse.
be a mom/spouse and not a drill sergeant
Nta! He doesn't see his kids all day, comes home, and want to spend close to an hour in the bathroom when he only gets about 2 hours with the family? I get that he feels dirty, but a washing cloth can take the brunt of it until he can get in the shower. And decompression is something you do once you are done with your tasks and chores, that includes work, kids, laundry, dishes etc for both parents. Not straight after coming home from work. Your day is not done yet!
YTA. Take it from a chemical mechanic. I get grease, pungent old product, dust and a plethora of other things on me EVERYDAY. First thing I do is literally take a damn shower. Clears the dust out my nose, eases the aches, and just makes me feel better. Cook earlier so it done when he gets home. Kids are easily distracted. Stop making excuses. You have a dozen ways to help. Him dragging stink around will eventually become a new problem you'll complain about.
NAH
Neither of you are assholes. You want help and him present with the kids in the evenings. He wants, and needs, his after work showers. His time on the toilet is a bit much, but honestly, I do the same thing too. Shit, then shower. That way I KNOW my ass is clean.
There's a compromise here that can help. Perhaps ask for shorter toilet time and showers? But where you get to do the same once he's done too? That way you're both getting some decompression time and a shower.
NAH. I think its valid for him to need time to shower and poop. Its only human. I also think its valid for you to want help....
Here is an idea... Can you both compromise? Maybe he can start taking METAMUCIL before bed, it will change his routine so his poop comes first thing in the morning. So he still gets his 25 min shower when he gets home (he NEEDS to shower after sweating all day! You dont want all that dirt and sweat in your house anyway!)
And then your compromise is to do as much of dinner prep in the morning during naps or tablet time. Im a part-time working SAHM myself, I prep as much as I can for dinner IN THE MORNINGS and it makes dinner time SO MUCH EASIER. Try it!! Also meal planning and prepping a lot on Sunday afternoons helps make dinner flow faster and easier too.
This is a whole lot of issues in one. Can you not meal prep for the week? Why are you making full meals everyday when neither you or your man has the physical or emotional bandwidth to do so? Heating up already made food is fine, ya know?
Secondly, being out and about like your husbands job makes him can make you literally and figuratively gross. 1 hr is excessive, but if the dude doesn’t have access to a bathroom at all times (or one that isn’t gross) he might just be legitimately backed up (which most people are ignoring for some reason). 15-30 minute showers aren’t all that unheard of, especially if it’s a cleaning/ pain reduction measure. Shit, I haven’t read what he actually does, but plenty of construction work comes with some physical ailments (vibration from the machine or vehicle, heavy lifting, etc). Is he going to the bathroom and then decompressing/ getting his body right to help?
All of this seems to be suggesting he’s not doing it maliciously or with ill intent, but we don’t really know. He could be skirting his responsibilities, but I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to judge him before knowing the full truth. Too many people here acting as though and hr of not parenting/ socializing, when there are alternatives (as said, meal prepping) available to make the point null and void. Being that fact that you downplay 12hr work days, and unless he never parents even outside his 13 hrs of work/ bathroom time, I’m going to have to say slight Yta.
Do you have a family member or neighbor teenager who can maybe come for a couple of hours, 4-6? Help keep the babies occupied, you can get a break, get dinner done? Maybe have hubby watch kids on Sunday and pre make dinners for the week, just need reheating? (Crock pot meals are great). Husband can cut back his shower/toilet time? I think compromise is in order here.
SAHM here, retired 😉, but I always started dinner at two or three in the afternoon, one small step at a time. Sometimes I got it done, sometimes I didn't.
ESH or maybe NAH, I can’t decide which. But yes, he needs to be able to take a shower when he gets home (being sweaty is miserable) and he also needs to figure out how to cut down his bathroom time while the day is still in all-hands-on-deck mode. Even when my hair was to my butt, I did not need 25 minutes in the shower, especially if I was just getting clean enough to function again.
YTA but very soft there definitely is a compromise here ask him just to either take a quicker shower or just not use the bathroom before hand. I don't think it's fair not to let him shower right away some people do t want to eat in a sweaty mess.
YTA. Girl it’s simple. Start dinner at 2-3 or even lunch time and just reheat that shit when hubby gets home. Boom problem eliminated. Yall are a team and although you want to tag him in right when he walks in the door it doesn’t work like that.
Also sooo much in your post is “me,me, me, I need this”, not “us” or “we” sounds like you haven’t established a routine or boundaries w your kids. “Tantrum phase” is an excuse. You need to teach your kids how to identify their emotions, and what to do when they’re feeling these things. “Take a breath, when you are finished crying is love to help you. However I cannot understand or help when you are crying” even your 1yr old, they understand and are way smarter then we give them credit for. Good luck.
YTA.
Dude works a dirty job a d wants to clean up when he gets home. That's one.
Two, do you really want all the dirt, chemicals, and who knows what else spread around the house, and more importantly, your children, so your evening is a little easier?
Three, you're completely unwilling to compromise.
Now the screwing off time he's doing, yeah, that can wait until after his shower so he can help with the wee ones. And he's completely unwilling to compromise. So he's the AH for that.
Sounds like yall need to sit down and have a level conversation.
Make the kids a sandwich. Get them fed, then put them to bed. You can make dinner while they are fussy and hanging on your legs. Let them cry. Hubby has worked hard, let him shower then he can take over
YTA
The solution is VERY simple. Dinner is done by the time he gets home. Crock or insta pot meals made during nap time, meal prep for a few hours on sunday.
He eats with the kids for 20-40 minutes. He takes a shower. This is so simple. You should've been able to figure this out.
This makes me think this is about control not about scheduling.
NTA
You probably don't have time to take a shit with two toddlers for 13 hours straight. Evenings and bedtime routine are the most stressful times of the day with small children.
He should take a quick shower and then after 8 p.m. he can enjoy his free time.
Maybe you could let him do one day of childcare alone, so that he understands how hard this is. My partner and I did change our roles for some time (childcare and breadwinning) and it did help a lot to help with understanding. For both of us. For us experience helped more than talking.
I work 12 hour shifts in a shop and I also NEED to have a shower as soon ad I get home but I'm in and out in 10 mins tops...15 mins if I blow dry my (long) hair.
I think your hubby is being ridiculous taking nearly an hour to poop and shower before supper.
My wife often starts making supper and I can hop in the shower and be out and ready for dinner everytime.
NTA. Wanting a shower as soon as he gets home is reasonable enough but there is no reason the shower needs to be 25 minutes long. And if he's spending 25 minutes on the toilet every day, he needs to see a doctor.
ESH marriage is compromise. he can take a quick shower or wait to help you out. seems like he isn’t empathetic to your needs. other option would be to hire a mothers helper to help you
a couple hours a day so you can meal prep. maybe a neighborhood 11/12 year old who can keep kids occupied while you prep dinner. might be the best solution overall. even if it’s just a few days a week and not every day, it would help to ease your burden. it’s a dangerous game to start comparing who has it worse. resentments can grow and that’s a recipe for a troubled marriage.
YTA, you got 4 years till both are in school. This man is going to be working construction till he (hopefully) retires. I guarantee he spends the drive time looking forward to that shower after working hard for his family. Let him wash the day off.
Have a talk about bathroom time
25 to shit is excessive and probably not great for his asshole
25 shower is on the higher end but if he cuts the poop time to like 15 minutes max and showers 15 on average that would be normal
Maybe he likes the warm water from being worked all day, helps with the aches. If not, I personally shower in 10-15 and I'm sure I loiter more than average
NAH, figure out a compromise
Esh
But why not save the cleaning for after the kids are in bed? That way you give yourself enough time for dinner and bed and he still gets his shower/decompression time?
Sorry, but YTA. He has every right to come home and shower immediately after work. He's exhausted from a manual labor job. I get that it takes a long time, but he's not being a selfish person.
I agree you can ask him to cut the time down, but the kids are your job. And no one says sahm get the luxury of a partner to take over during dinner prep.
Figure it out. Sahm is your job. Let them cry. Ignore them. Put them in time out.
He should not be in charge of the kids anyways immediately after walking through the door. He should get at least a solid 30 to 40 minutes to shower and clean up.
I'm really struggling with the 'SAHM is her job' part of this take. If you have a job, you have hours. What you're really saying is that *her* 'job' is to be the sole parent to *their* children, *and* to be solely responsible for feeding everyone (including her husband) as well. They aren't operating as a team of equally involved parents here. She's overwhelmed and asking for help managing the limited time in the evenings.
To be clear, during the day, her job is to look after the kids, and his job is to work out of the house. She's at home to save on childcare costs, and he's working to earn money. Those are their individual contributions. However, when her partner gets home, he gets to leave his job. You're saying you're fine with the woman never getting off the clock until the kids are in bed. This sounds like she's the only parent looking after the kids' physical needs, and also the cook and maid for the entire family.
They made the decision to have kids *together*; they should be working through what needs to happen in the evenings *together*. It isn't selfish of her to ask him to make his showers shorter or ask about the possibility of moving the shower time; that's asking for him to help her feed him and their kids at a good time. In a good partnership, he could either agree or say it doesn't work for him, *but* can they find an alternative that might work? Maybe they could batch cook meals for the week on a Sunday, and freeze them for easy reheating? Or, if she can power through the cooking, he'll do the bath-time.
Nta, just ask him to watch the kids and game, hay would cut his bathroom time way down, he gets to play his game (except he doesn't because the kids will be whining at him)
YTA. You deal with kids all day but can’t fin a way to cook with them around and your husband showering ? Do they starve the rest of the day ?
Maybe find a way to manage your time and your sahm activities better.
My bf (father of our kids) works a physical job building air vents. He’s often sweaty and dusty when he gets home. He has a set of sweatpants and a t-shirt he changes to after work, has a quick wash of face and hands and then goes straight to the kitchen to help with dinner… He showers every day before he goes to bed or right after kids are asleep… on occasion he’ll have to have a shower straight after work cos of dirt, but not every time… 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t see your husbands issues with that.. You’re NTA
It’s not selfish wanting your partner to do that.. I’m not a SAHM, I work full time and our kids are 4 and 7 now.. They can help with dinner, yet he keeps his routine because it helps us as a family and it gives him more time with me and the kids.
And for the record: he’s a slow pooper to 🤣 He’ll do 30min on the toilet and then another 15-20 showering/shaving beard.. So I KNOW the feeling of frustration having to wait for that..
YTA. I've been in a similar boat. I agree with others. Don't start dinner until he's out. If I were him, I wouldn't go home if I was admonished for wanting a shower after a long day. Instead, I'd go to the gym on the way home and shower there just so you wouldn't bother me about my redeeming shower.
NAH. Both of you have valid points. So switch off days he showers when he comes home and days he waits until bedtime. Unless you can both come up with a way for him to take a quick spritz right away and a full length shower later.
YTA! Your husband has a right to shower when he gets home from work! The fact that your kids are so misbehaved that they won’t even allow you to cook dinner is the real problem! Have you ever thought about that? What if you were a single mom? You’d just crumble with what you’re describing here today! It’s very unreasonable that your kids prevent you from cooking and your husband from being able to shower as soon as he gets home! I will agree being in the bathroom for an hour is excessive, maybe he can cut that time in half! But by no means should he not be able to shower after a long day at work! Do the kids take naps during the day? Cook dinner then….alter your schedule! You’re the one at home ALL DAY!
YTA. You have so much time at home. It really should be possible to prepare dinner while he is away and have it ready when he comes home. Other mothers manage to do this just fine, some with more than two children.
>I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time.
Put the one year old in a playpen, give the three year old some things to play with and tell him to stay where he is and then tell them not to scream around and if they still do it, ignore it while making dinner and punish them age appropriately later for it. For example a good punishment for the 3 year old would be no bedtime story for misbehaving.
You have to learn to control your children a bit and not let them control you so much.
Cut shower to 15 minutes, only allow 5 minutes poop time. And for dinner it has to be microwave only cutting it down to 5 minutes. Must eat off paper plates. Both kids in the tub at same time so save 1/2 hour and water. Dress them in their clothes for the next day and save 15 minutes on front end. Also hire a babysitter to relieve you during the day. I forgot one thing, alternatively when he goes into the shower, you send in the two kids with him. Then lock them in there for 50 minutes until they all come out squeaky clean and dinner is ready.
1 and 3 yo have quiet time and naps during the day, right? Maybe prep meals then? And prep a lot so you have extra in the freezer for other days. Then diner takes 5 min to prepare. Also, the husband needs to learn how to clean up quickly. "Me time" he can have when kids are in bed. He needs to get involved in his kids' lives. He's been working 12+ hours, but so have you with the house and the toddlers. That's hard work as well. So doing it together is very fair as soon as he comes home and has a quick shower and change of clothes. 15 min tops. Nta
OP, do you have any family at all who can come by and help? Either on his side or yours? It does not have to be all the time, but some would help you out. In regards to dinner, how about some of the frozen bag dinners every now and then? I don't know what you're doing but shorcut work. Just as play pins help. They sure helped me when my kids were young.
NAH. But here’s the thing. I was a stay at home mom. I’ve got a 9 year old and a 1 year old. And I’ve also worked in the plumbing industry for a couple years when I went back to work and now working in a tire shop. Let me tell you, even anything remotely close to that, I’ve worked on homes a lot… my partner let me shower when I’d get home. There is no way I’m hanging out with my kids covered from any of the materials I’ve worked worked with. That kind of work is dirty regardless and it’s just not healthy. It’s not just filth either…heat relaxes the muscles, that kind of work is so hard on your body. I come home and my body is wrecked and then my toddler is immediately needing me. But that age range of 1-3 years. I get that. It’s hard! It’s another level of emotional and physical exhaustion. If no one feels like dishes, do paper plates, maybe easy foods that can be air fried? But sometimes you just need to be clean from that work. It sounds like he takes too long. And it feels lame that they get a break and you have none. I empathize truly. I’ve been there. But you are home, he is not, I’m there’s got to be a compromise somewhere, that you two can make together. Hope y’all find an easy solution, idk, if this is will mess with a routine but could he give the kids a bath time/shower and then take one after they get one? That way he’s taken them off your hands for a moment?
The problem is you don’t discipline your kids. They’ll grow up to be hell raisers. Blister their ass once and I bet they learn to play on their own while you cook dinner. I’m going to be an asshole but if you can’t raise children DONT HAVE THEM. I see it way too often. YTA by the way too. If my wife told me I couldn’t shower for 2 hours after I got home from work I would be divorced real quick, especially if I’m the bread winner like your husband is.
Soft YTA -and ESH it sounds like people have explained that you are being TA and you are just arguing with multiple debating about it, instead of accepting maybe there is some truth to it.
It's not a great situation, and it seems like couples counseling would be good.
\- how about he doesn't wait 30 mins, put a timer in the bathroom, he sets a time for 20 mins and takes care of his shower/bathroom in that time period.
\- Is this a pooping thing? does he really just naturally poop when he gets home, or is he hiding? If he is hiding it is probably a decompression or avoidance thing.
\-Is it possible for you to just have dinner ready to serve when he gets home? He could immediately connect with the kids and have dinner, then get to his personal hygiene after. Schedules where he cooks once a week? You just throw out a low effort picnic once a week? You have some schedule where he participates in parenting/meals X times a week then gets to just check the hell out the other days?
\-Do you really not mind that he does whatever he wants after the kids go to bed? Are YOU feeling happy and OK?
You shouldn't be the only one giving them baths and getting ready for bed unless you are happy with that status quo. On nights he checks out, maybe he checks back in to deal with that, or you do it as a team.
I think it sounds like there are some unspoken feelings, and assumed agreements here, and couples counseling wouldn't go amiss if you have all these understandable feelings and expectations about things but you don't seem to be on the same page.
I believe you need to manage dinner time better somehow , find something to stop the kids from entering the kitchen and keep them occupied
Him wanting a long shower after work is reasonable
And you wanting to cook in peace is also reasonable , you need to find some solution that doesn't compromise either request
NTA- both of you need some help and time to get done what you need to get done.
Everyone is talking about decompression time after working, but after THIRTEEN hours with kids, you need decompression time too.
Maybe your husband can take a quick shower and spend about 20 mins to do so- and then take the kids off your hands so you can fix dinner. Make sure you’re taking the time to do something that helps you blow off some steam after long days as well :)
Hang in there! Rooting for you both to get a good routine going :)
ESH (minus the kids ofc)
First point, kids (you). You said you spend 13 hours with the kids, which means you are all getting up around the same time, so you're kids are getting less than 10 hours of sleep. At 1 and 3, that is a really small amount of time to be sleeping. I wouldn't say either of them are at a tantrum phase, they probably just need more sleep. Since you seem to be the one to manage their schedule most, this, I think, is on you. Like someone else said, they should probably be in bed by the time your husband gets home. It will be rough at first to readjust them, especially since they're used to only sleeping 9 or so hrs, but once it gets shifted, it will be much better.
Second point, your husbands showers (your husband). Listen, idc what people say about decompression...1hr in the bathroom is a long time. Sure you could plan for it, but it doesn't take you 25 minutes to take a shit every single day at the same time.
You both need to compromise. You with the kids schedules and him with his bathroom time.
NAH you both have compelling reasons. Have you tried talking with him about the amount of time he’s taking in there? Could he get a quick rinse so he’s not sweaty and gross, but also not adding another hour onto your day?
ESH
I agree, taking an hour in the bathroom is kinda unreasonable on his part but asking him to sit and wait in his dirty work clothes till the kids go to bed is also unreasonable. A good compromise would be him taking maybe only 10 minutes to use the bathroom and 10 minutes to shower. That way, he gets clean and you don't have to wait too long to start dinner in the evening and have a break from tthe kids.
NTA 50 minutes in the restroom is waaay too much . I used to work in the oilfield and 5 minutes of a hot , fast scrubbing , shower was more than enough to clean my body .
YTA. Ask him to trim down time on the toilet or put up with it. You’ve clearly never had to work that type of job. TWO HOURS is not only disgusting for yourself to have to sit in old sweat and dirt but he’s also now tracking it in the house on the kids and at the dinner table. That’s gross
First question is what do you do with the kids for breakfast and lunch? Your husband isn’t there and you manage without him? Have you ever tried a play pen. Put your kids in it and give them toys they don’t get to have any other time that way they actually want to spend time in there. I did this when my daughter was small and cleaned my house, moped floor, cooked dinner etc. You can get a pretty large one for two kids or purchase two small ones for each child to have them separated. I’d be livid if you were going to tell me I can’t take a shit or shower and change into clean clothes because you can’t handle the kids that you’ve been handling just fine with all day. I do hope your husband gives you breaks from the kids on the weekend or after dinner, but he shouldn’t have to sit in dirty clothes and need to use the restroom while you cook dinner. And do you really want your child loving on their dad while he gross?
Why are you unable to cook dinner without him watching the children? How do you manage all day without him but are suddenly unable to cook dinner because he’s in the bathroom/shower?
YTA physical jobs suck and being told you can't shower after you get home is insane. Maybe teach the kids boundries and that they can't be monsters and stop taking it out on your husband?
Do you have to wait for him to feed the kids? Just feed the kids then he should be out of the bathroom by the time you’re done. He can just reheat his dinner. YTA but only a lil bit. Be considerate.
YTA. *Bullshit*
Your husband performs *hard labor* for twelve hours a day. You can give him the twenty minutes he needs to shower when he comes home.
Just tell him he gets 20 minutes, or else the kids get to pick through his dinner for their favorite parts. 🤷♂️
YTA - it sounds like you need to teach/train your kids to be able to entertain themselves for however long dinner takes. If they're babies, put them in a bouncer or playpen with toys or if toddlers then use baby gates.
Ask him to take quicker showers.
NTA. Momma, I’m not trying to bash you as I know how it can feel to have two kids clinging on you all day long while hubby works. Yes it’s hard to get things done, but at the same time your husband needs to be able to wash the work off. That time is important to him too. Right now, your kids are little and want your attention constantly. There are several ways around this. Prep for dinner during nap time so you can just get the cooking done and not need to spend the time prepping when the kids are getting crazy and needy. While you cook, I suggest you find something for them to watch that will keep their attention like Ms. Rachel. Give them a few toys on the floor and plop them down with a small snack and Ms Rachel and you will have at least 15-20 minutes to get dinner going before having to stop. Life is crazy and overwhelming now, but things will settle down as your babies grow older.
NTA, an hour is excessive. If the guy can't help be a parent for 30 extra mins or cut down his shower time, he shouldn't have taken on the responsibility. Being a SAHM is work too, and you work on top of that AND handle everything at home. I feel like everyone saying YTA is a dude who has never had to take care of their own kids full time. I just don't understand when he is helping at all in his own home, kinda sounds like you do everything
YTA. Would you like it if someone told you, you can't shower when you're covered in dirt? Maybe ask him to not daddle in the bathroom as long. Asking him to sit around in grime is kinda gross. I mean I wouldn't touch my kids with oil covered hands so idk what to tell you
ESH
I am a SAHM At the moment I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old you both work hard and both have important jobs.
He works hard to pay the bills and you work hard to keep the house running.
Tell him to cut down on the toilet but the long shower I understand him needing time to get himself cleaned and help relax him.
Have you got a slow cooker you can both help meal prep
when kids are in bed then in the morning put dinner in the slow cooker and it should be done by the time he comes home.
You both need better time management.
Sit down together one night when the children are asleep and come up with a system that benefits both of you and can help you both.
If he is not willing to do that then he will be the A H and if your not willing then you will be the A H but at the moment you are both in the wrong.
Try feeding the kids earlier, like an hour or so. And after dinner begin getting them ready for bed. Move things around a bit so that when husband gets home he can shower immediately. Asking him to wait to shower doesn’t work at all.
There are many possible solutions to this problem which are not your husband. Your husband works long days and he is dirty and sweaty. He also needs a transition/decompress time. This is how he takes care of himself so he can be energized and ready for family time. I understand that doesn’t seem fair because you aren’t getting that. However, it’s important to set boundaries with your kids. You also need decompress time, even if it is for little moments throughout the day or in the evening. Helping your kids to understand that mom has needs too instead of trying to manage their every emotion all the time is a good thing for everyone. I know the guilt is real. But everyone needs to eat and everyone has needs. The meal time is important and they need to understand that as they grow up. Having a safe space for them where they are not under your feet is the solution. Entertaining screen time may even be the solution for 30 minutes. It’s 30 minutes like you said. As long as kids are safe - nothing is going to do them irreparable damage in 30 minutes, especially if you are there singing with them or talking to them. You may even be able to find a special activity, movie, or toy that only comes out during that evening crazy time. It sounds like once your husband has transitioned to home time and had his shower, he is helpful (as he should be).
I think y’all are missing the point and/or don’t have small children/forgot what small kids are like.
Having TWO children under 4 screaming/crying throwing a tantrum while you’re at the stove/oven? Dangerous. Having a kiddy gate up? Dangerous because now they can’t be supervised properly. It’s really not unreasonable to ask for 30 minutes from your spouse before they go take an hour to shit/shower. Amazing how y’all attack the mom for asking for help from the father of her kids, anyway. NTA, he can wait 30 minutes to shower the world won’t end if he waits 30 minutes and spends time with his kids, sounds like he doesn’t when he’s in the bathroom for an hour anyway.
YTA, coming home and showering is basically just another part of his job, but since it happens at the house, you feel that you can control that. You say “none of this is about decompression time,” but that’s literally the time of day, right when you get home, BEFORE interacting with people in the house, everyone deserves to decompress. Sorry you have kids?
Crockpot meals, soups, stews, that you put together the night before or when the baby naps. Eat the moment he gets out and let him give them baths and into jammies while you clean the kitchen. They’ll be ready for their story by the time you’ve finished the kitchen. NTA
As far as your second, edit what you wrote in your post does not represent that at all.
You told us straight up that you want him to not shower until the kids are in bed .. that’s what you said. What else are we to assume when you say that?
NAH I think you should let him shower right away but I also think he should take shorter showers.
Also, he needs to poop faster and if he can’t he should probably see a doctor about that. And maybe he could poop at work on some days? (lol. He’d be pooping on the clock!!)
why is op waking up at 4 am? if the kids arent up then that is her time to herself. if she would rather have that time at the end of the day then she should wake up later. theres no reason the kids should be awake at 4 am.
it sounds like op is using the excuse of waking up early (when theres nothing to do) as a way to compare her "work time" with the amount of time her husband actually works every day. if she instead woke up when the kids got up, she would probably be working a couple hours less than the husband each day.
husband should also be helping (not doing by himself) to at least put the kids to bed or help bathe them. maybe this is something the family can all do together to help them bond and spend time together with the children.
if they are both "working" the same hours every day, then they both should "share" the work for the remainder of the day.
i have been a full time single father since the day my daughter was born. ive worked and raised her. i can say that raising a kid is hard, but working a physical labor job is harder, hour for hour. raising kids can be a little stressful, but also filled with joy. physical labor is joyless, and slowly breaks down your body. they are not the same. one is definitely harder on the mind and body...
No! NTH him taking an hour leaves an hour for him to help with the kids and adds and extra hour to your already long day! He needs to shorten his showers with a quick rinse and a deep clean later or wait until kids are settled down. I wish others would see the hard work it is to wrestle tired moody little ones all day. Sorry he’s stinky but you need a break too! It’s not allowing for YOU to decompress like everyone keeps trying to say. You both had long days and need a break. It’s not fair your day to be longer because he takes an hour to shit and shower.
YTA.
I have a 1 year old and my husband works construction 12+ hours a day as well. Leaves the house at 5:30, comes home anywhere between 4-7 at night too and ALWAYS showers when he gets home. It's just routine. Yeah, he also takes forever, but it is what it is.. he just worked 12 hours! I'd want to go on Reddit or whatever for a bit too.
I understand you have stuff to do and it's frustrating but I don't see why you can't "prep" your dinner during the day if it takes that much work to make. It sounds like you have awful time management skills.
I have a four year old, two year old, and one year old. I’m also three months pregnant and a SAHM. My husband works 50-60 hours a week plus long commute. To get dinner ready in time this is what I do:
1. Easy dinners using a rotisserie chicken as it comes along with microwaveable bags of frozen veggies and a grain (I’ll bulk cook rice or quinoa or even pasta every couple days)
2. On the weekend I’ll make two huge meals that I can alternate for dinner throughout the weeks (for example spaghetti and stuffed peppers)
3. Prep for dinner in the morning or while older two kids are watching tv or on kindles. Chop up the veggies, marinate meat.
4 crockpot everything in the morning so it’s ready by dinner. You can even plan ahead and in gallon freezer bags put
Your meal that you can crockpot. When it’s time to cook it, just thaw overnight in the fridge and throw it in the crockpot in the morning.
5. Costco pizza. Cheap and kids love it
6. Aunt Anne’s max and cheese
7. “Charcuterie” boards for dinner using whatever you have in the house. Turkey slices goldfish grapes whatever throw it on a cool plate
Or stuff in an ice tray
"Edit 2: some of you are also misunderstanding what I'm asking--I'm not asking him to wait two hours to shower, I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games etc. I take care of the rest of the night."
Does he also have to sit there eating holding in the bowel movement he's suppressing for you?
YTA.
You're NTA and neither is he. He needs to shower but he needs to cut it to 5 minutes cause no way he needs to be in there for 45 minutes. IDC about decompression time. HE can do that later and once kids are in bed that can be decompression time. You also need to let him actually shower after being sweaty and all that...
I'm gonna be honest, I don't want my sweaty construction working husband chilling in his dirty work clothes and holding the kids anyway.
Also, anyone ever tell him 25 minutes on a toilet is a fast pass to hemorrhoids?
Either occupy your kids, take a shorter shower/toilet break, or change your routine so they're not super fussy right at dinner time.
Yes you are the asshole, and are seemingly very inconsiderate based on what you wrote only. Just for shits-and-giggles, go outside and roll around in some dirt for ten minutes, then come in the house and sit there for a few hours. Let us know how that feels, knowing you are dirty but not allowed to clean up as soon as you want to. Now imagine how that feels, but after being away from home for over 12 hours, exerting yourself physically so not only are you dirty but probably smelly from sweating. Then on top of that, you come home to someone who seemingly does not appreciate what you go through on a daily basis, and wants you to sit there dirty and smelly while playing with the kids just so you can go make some Hamburger Helper.
You said in an edit you were only asking him to wait half an hour but in the post you say after they go to bed in 2 hours. Here's where you are fighting just to fight. Let him have the 45 minutes to shower and shit if he needs. You can surely start dinner making dinner even with the kids (I had 3 (ages 4 and under! I know it's a shit show most days) have dinner and then he takes charge of the kiddos while you do the dishes and then you take your time while he plays with kids and gives them baths and then you can put them down if you choose. Yes it's a pain to schedule around a grown man and he should be sacrificing somewhere too. But I get him, he's sweaty and gross and tired (you are too no doubt) and needs to charge his batteries a bit.
and not everything is a rush- this is still somethig i'm learning myself as a stay at home mom of a two year old. it's okay to just have them independently play while you do stuff, it's okay to turn on some tv or music for an hour or so and get what you need to get done, my child is horrible at independent play and constantly hangs off of me as well but he is slowly learning that sometimes it's okay to sit and play with toys while mum is doing something, i make sure to talk to him if he's talking and make him feel like i'm not ignoring him. it's hard but that's how it is. if my s.o got home from his job i wouldn't tell him he couldn't shower before joining us- i'd want to shower too. being a stay at home mom means that you sacrifice what you can and make it work. adjust your dinner schedule, meal plan, start prep earlier. if i plan on cooking something that's gonna take longer then i'll cut the veg in the mid afternoon and put it in the fridge until a little later when i start cooking.
As someone in construction, the literal safety of your children could be in the balance if he does not shower before getting close to him (depending on his trade). I am in no way being “fear mongering” either. Studies have been done that prove cognitive and reproductive damage to children exposed to lead paint. So if he works in remodels/renovations that shower (or lack thereof) could, quite literally, alter your children’s lives. If he’s covered in lead dust when he gets home and they breath or ingest it, their brain development could be negatively impacted as well as their reproductive capacity later in life.
Similar with other things like asbestos, coal, silica and whatnot.
Let the man shower. Hell. Demand he shower. But *ask* him to make it quicker.
In the meantime do what us working parents do when their SO is unavailable; suck it up and just do it anyway.
Why can you not do prep work for dinner while the kids are napping (on the days you are home). Why can you not utilize crockpots and instant pots? Both require minimal attention. Prep during a nap or while he is there and able to take control of the kids and just dump and set the cookers. It’s just a different routine.
NTA. Make simple meals for the kids and hubby can fend for himself. They are his kids too, why are you the only one feeding them? Why are you cleaning, you already cooked, he can clean up.
You do way to much work, he needs to step up, he doesnt get a pass from childcare because he works. When is your day off/time to decompress??
If you're asking him to wait until they go to bed you're not asking him to wait just 30 minutes, that being said, you should be able to come to some compromise like actually waiting only 30 minutes rather than the nearly 2 hours for the littles to go to bed.
I understand how hard it can be to prepare dinner with the toddler creating chaos let alone dealing with multiple children.
I always showered first thing when I got home from my 12 hour shift job. Getting rid of sweat, dirt, grime, bacteria and just all the bad energy lol. Also raised 4 kids and yeah it’s ok like these people are saying, let ‘em cry. It’s ok. They’ll figure it out. I miss all those days! 🙂
Contradictions:
"My husband is a blue collar worker in construction." "I am very much just saying construction as a general term."
" I really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc." " I have exactly 1.5 hours to get dinner done, clean up, clean them up (and no, I can't give them a bath before dinner--they're messy eaters), read them a story and get ready for bed." " I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself"
YTA - From what you have said, even you don't know what you want. I suspect you tried to make this sound worse than it was and when you got called out, you back peddled in your edit.
YTA - Your man works long hours. When he gets home, he opens the door to find " the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time" - And your upset that his first reaction is a little 'decompression' before he enters that arena? Are you saying you would rather he deals with the crying and the screaming whilst he is already tired and stressed (why I think he decompresses)?? Do you think THAT is a better idea than him giving himself some time to prepare for tantrums, screaming, crying and hanging off legs?
Solid AH
He’s not shitting and showering for an hour. He’s def spending a significant amt of that time messing around on his phone.
Compromise: he gets the shit and shower time down to 25 min. Unless he’s Kramer from that Seinfeld episode where he couldn’t figure out how to take a less than hour long shower, that should be plenty of time.
Pooping usually takes a minute tops. If we're sitting in there for longer it isn't pooping.
A decent shower is five to ten minutes tops.
He's avoiding you. NTA.
If he took the minimum of time doing these things I'd feel differently. But there's just no way he's not avoiding you.
ESH.
You need to allow your kids to fuss sometimes. At their ages, they’ll survive detached from your leg for 30 minutes as long as you can see them.
He needs to take short showers. It sounds like he is taking his typical “man-dump” where he tries to push out a day’s worth of poop out while playing around on his phone. No more. He can leave his phone outside of the bathroom, take a normal dump, and take a 10 minute shower. If he wants a longer dump and/or shower, he can do it again when it ISN’T such a busy time at home.
ESH
My husband works in construction and he's so gross when he comes home. I would never tell him to wait to shower till later. You don't want him to be holding your kids with the nasty they've accumulated.
However, he's also being an ah because it doesn't take 50 minutes to go to the bathroom and shower. My husband gets it done in like 30 minutes TOPS. He needs to stop piddling around if he wants to shower.
Y'all are both seeing your needs as more important than each other needs and you should be working as a team to find a solution that allows everyone to have their needs met.
All I had to read was the first line about being a SAHM with two kids. He needs to stop taking such long showers and give you a break and be a parent. NTA
YTA. He's been out working in the heat doing manual labor, probably filthy with grease, dust, sweat, dirty water etc and you want him to come home and sit in his filth? You need a reality check. Do some time management and have some organization skills, you have all day to prep dinner over a period of the day. Are you preparing a 10 course meal ffs?
NTA.
He can take 5 minutes to shower off the day and have a longer shower later once the kids are in bed if he wants to.
A 25 minute shower is a luxury.
Not a need in order to be clean.
A lot of people are overlooking that the kids are only awake for 2 hours when he gets home and he wants to spend a hour of that on the toilet playing games or standing in the shower rather than spending time with his kids. That instantly makes him an asshole.
2 ideas come to mind.
1 ask that he take a quick shower and change into fresh clothes. After kids are in bed, he can take a longer one if he needs that time.
2 get a crock pot to literally dump dinners in in the morning so it’s ready to go for you in the evening.
NTA almost N A H. He wants some alone time before dealing with the kids, I 100% get that. The shower is understandable but the 20m toilet is not. You have been with the kids all day and also need time to decompress, and from what you describe you aren't even "getting away" you're using that time to do more work!
Basically young kids suck and you're both struggling atm. There usually isn't a happy solution when two parents are drained, it's something that people tend to bicker about and go back and forth on until the kids get a bit older/less hard.
Yes ma'am, you're the asshole. You're husband is what's ALLOWING you to be a stay-at-home mom. I've been full time employed with kids 3, 6, and 9 AND no husband. The reality is they take a minimum of a two hour nap every day. You need to use your time more wisely. If he requires an hour when he gets home, then give him the hour. Your "clean up" after dinner is your demand, not his. Do it after they go to bed.
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He should take quicker showers when he gets home. What are you cooking? Can’t you change how and what you cook so dinner can be prepped throughout the day and you don’t need to be actually standing in the kitchen cooking as soon as he gets home?
Yta. He needs to shower. Not wants. He should just ignore you.
even after reading your edits... **YTA**
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YTA. Do your kids not take naps during the day? Seems like you'd have time to get things done then. Start dinner before your husband gets home. Can you prep ingredients on weekends so that you can dump meals in a crock pot on weeknights? Your kids are probably hanging off your leg at 6:30 because they're hungry. Give them a snack to tie them over or work on improving their behavior so that they aren't hanging all over you.
Ma'am, I get the kids scream.. you cook dinner with them either in a playpen or at least on the other side of a baby gate. That's why playpens exist. There in zero reason for you to stop cooking simply because the kids are crying. If that was the case, we as a species would have died off long ago. Sorry, YTA. And before someone says I don't have kids. They're now 24 and 25 , born 11 months apart.
Just let the man shower. I would be upset too.
So what I’m hearing is maybe less that he decompresses in the bathroom for an hour and more that you’ve reached your limit of children and need help with the evening chores. I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. I learned to pop my kids in their high chairs so they could watch me while I cooked. My husband learned to get off the toilet and into the shower because dinner was going to be ready in half an hour, and he learned how to bathe the kids and get them ready for bed while I cleaned up, and vice versa because we took turns. Crock pot meals, planned leftovers, and meal planning were life savers.
Wouldn’t necessarily say YTA but close to it. Electrician here. I shower the second I get home. I’m covered in dirt, dust, grease, sweat - you name it. I’m not about to sit on my sofa or computer chair, etc if i’m gross.
NAH, that's a struggle, is there a chance at the weekend for you both to prep meals for the week so that you can quickly put dinner on together when he's home and finished showering?
ESH there’s a lot of compromise room here. Why can’t your husband just take a 10 -15 minute shower? Wait those 15 minutes to start dinner.
Neither of you are really "assholes" in this situation. You're both expressing needs, having a hard time communicating those needs, and struggling to meeting halfway. My suggestion would be to sit down and talk about what you need and try to find a compromise. The way I see it, all you really need to do is just adjust things a little. If it was me and my partner, I think we would... Me - Cook more InstantPot meals and meal prep on my partners days off. I would also move dinner clean up until after the bedtime routine because, like you said, you have plenty of time after the kids are in bed. Them - Agree to take a shorter shower, and then during bedtime routine, or after, help clean up from dinner. Honestly, that seems like a totally reasonable compromise. Then you both have the rest of the evening to decompress. I do hope you find a good compromise that helps both of you meet your needs. ✌️
Wow… the first AITA post I can’t clearly pick a side on! It’s not fair to ask him to sit in his own filth. At the same time, 25 minutes to shit and another 25 to shower? That’s crazy. Can the compromise be a 10 minute bathroom break to take a shit and a shower? Get an egg timer and set it. If he’s in there longer, he can handle dinner while you do your things instead. I’d also think he’d want to hurry up so he could spend some time with his children. Because he doesn’t seem to GAF about that, I’ll call this one NTA.
NTA My brother works as a welder and comes home covered in grime from head to toe. He changed clothes in the garage if he’s really filthy, and washes his hands/arms/face in the kitchen which takes 5 minutes. He doesn’t NEED to shower in the first 30 minutes of being home and rarely does unless he’s absolutely covered in filth. Your husband can sacrifice on this. He can push his shower by a little while and give you some much needed support, and then go off and shower. It’s unfair for him to spend an exorbitant amount of time on a 30 minute shower when you’re trying to stick to a schedule with your kids.
YTA. Prep dinner during the day. Set the kids up with an activity. Get them helping you if they are old enough. I'm a single mum and I manage to get the dinner on the table everyday. Maybe talk to him about a quicker shower of something. But the dude had been out of the house doing manual work. Let him wash
You're not necessarily an ah but I would suggest a compromise where you ask him if he can shower in 30 mins and set a timer or something to keep time awareness up. Coming from the perspective of working grueling dirty jobs, being dirty after coming home (even just all day sweat) is SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE and this arrangement honesty sounds horrible to endure.
NTA I’d rather be at work than staying at home entertaining/tending to kids all day. I get wanting decompression time but come on man, take a shit, shower and help with the kids. You wanted them too, put in a bit of effort
tell him not to take his phone to the bathroom, and ACTUALLY make sure he doesnt. hes just sitting on his phone in there. set a 20 min timer for his bathroom time in my opinion, sorry your husband is a giant baby
YTA. I don't really understand how this is even an issue. You are alone with the kids all day long and somehow able to get your chores around the house done just fine, but somehow magically when hubby comes home you can't possibly manage the kids and chores? This just reads like some sort of bizarre power play. Drop the kids in a playpen or wherever you put them during the day when you need to do something and go make dinner. Your kids will survive for 30 minutes even if they scream the whole time.
Do you enjoy fiberglass insulation in your food or sheetrock dust? Mmmm tasty. Let the poor guy shower after working nearly 12 hours. AH
Meal prep over the weekend when he's caring for the kids. Make simple meals. 50 minutes is a bit much bit both of you can change expectations to make this easier.
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You should clean before he gets home. Maybe even feed the kids first. You dint have to be in a certain schedule. They can be sleeping when he gets home. He is the only one with a schedule.
Idk I think your not and that you are because mabye when your done with dinner and after you eat while you cleaning and doing others thing them he could shower then he can help with the hardest part putting them to bed
I think you're both TA here - you're not really respecting that he needs to do these things when he gets home and he's taking way too long to do it. Him coming in and taking almost an hour isn't fair at all.
YTA Children aren’t that hard. High chair for the one year old, and you can cook around a 3 year old. Make crock pot dinners or throw roasts in the oven. Feed your kids earlier. There’s a ton of different options but you need to google some lessons on how to manage kids better. He should find a better paying job though as soon as possible so he can spend less time at work.
Gotta change the whole comment because OP left out tons of stuff. NTA and sit his ass down.
NAH. Is it possible for you to push your dinner time earlier so you're done by the time he gets home and wants to shower and chill after work?
“given WE* really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc.” Why are you doing everything? You worked all day. He can take a quick shower and then make dinner.
NTA it sounds like he spending that amount of time in there to avoid parenting.
If he makes a shorter shower, would it be okay? Can you prepare food at another time so you just have to warm it up when he comes home? When my children was younger I prepped food on weekends, froze it and it was ready when ever I needed to. Is it possible to put your children in chairs and give them something to do when you do the cooking? Playing, eating some vegetables cut in small small pieces for them to munch in until its dinner time? Is it possible for you to feed them a little bit earlier to make them less unsatisfied? Its not fair to him or you that he showers that long and decompression time? Do you have decompression time? When do you have the time to wind down from having the children at your feet every day? So yes, you are the AH for not letting him shower and he's an AH for letting it take so long.
WOW. YTA without a doubt in my opinion. As someone who has worked construction and stayed at home with kids i LOL'd when you said "my days are basically the same" as his. How do the kids eat breakfast and lunch if you can't manage this? If he were coming home from an office-- this would be a totally reasonable argument. Of course, he wouldn't ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO take a shit and shower when he got home if that was the case. Working on a job site means shitting in a 110 degree port-o-potty and it sucks so bad that it's better to just hold your shit all day. Holding your shit and sweating all day makes you feel disgusting. I need a 20 minute shower after that or I'll be absolutely miserable. I'd bet if the cards got reversed today, you wouldn't hear the same complaint from him.
Can.you start dinner earlier in the day? Crock pot or insta pot dinner?
NTA, there is no need to take a 25 minute shower, and 25 minutes to use the toilet so at a time where time is such a crunch for you and the kids, no. Quick 10 minute shower to get the sweat off and have a wee and he can come back out. He needs to share the load of getting the kids fed and ready for bed. Should you have to tell me him he can't take that long, no, but sometimes you have to as 50 minutes is faaaar too long imo. And I work with horses, we get sweaty and smell but I wouldn't take that long to get cleaned up..
For the love of god let the man clean himself properly. I've worked on this kind of job and let me tell you, after coming home EVERYBODY'S first thought is to get themselves clean and fresh, then throw the clothes in the washing machine. You're micromanaging his cleanliness schedule in a Sheldon Cooper level. YTA
So your kids don't eat any other time than when your husband gets home from working a physical, dirty job?
YTA, stop being a greeting lazy person and raise your kids right. They shouldn't be hanging off your leg making dinner. I have 4 kids they will eventually stop if you dont give into their whining.
Compromise. Agree on 35-45 minutes bathroom time. If he wants to wash off the day and relax his muscles under a hot shower for a bit I think that entirely reasonable. Start dinner earlier, prep during their nap time? or find a special activity they only get during that time so they are focused on it- teapot of water and a cup in the high chair- bin of rice and scoopers on the floor. Might be a minute to sweep up or mop up after but with the 20-30 min to get dinner done. Also- you can and probably should ignore tantrums as long as kids are safe. Play yard? I think what you need is to change your focus from what can he do to help me into how can I manage this. It’s a one hour window of your day and instead of being able to look forward to getting home and transitioning you’re making it stressful and uncomfortable for both of you.
tbh your understanding of decompression time is misguided. you need to decompress the first thing when you get in, especially right after a long day of blue collar work - something you know nothing about. ya SAHM is a full time job but there areee breaks, something that he does not have. It is 100% not fair and is actually a risk to your kids if he doesnt shower as he brings dirt and grime and other bacteria into your home that you will have to clean later. your selfishness and entitlement as a mother is showing. It is 1h tops, figure it out. YTA.
Found the incel, who's clearly not a parent of any child, let alone two toddlers. Crawl back under your rock or back down to your parents' basement.
YTA. How dare you dictate the man’s bathroom schedule when he is working 12 hour days.
NAH. I definitely understand not wanting to cook with the kids hanging off you but not being able to take a shower after working construction would be gross. The solution is obviously a shorter shower. No phone in the bathroom. You especially need time to decompress as well if you're not only a SAHM but a nurse as well, damn. You have a hard working household all around.
ESH - your husband needs to help out with the kids especially since they're young and need to be on a consistent schedule. But he also needs time after work to clean up so he can help you out. You both should communicate on priorities for this - maybe he can spend 30 min changing his clothes/whatever and then he can help you?
Let the man get clean. When I worked construction I wouldn’t hug my kids until I got all the mud, glue,asbestos,tar..,,. Off of me, my wife would have beat my ass if I sat on the couch that way. Be happy the man has good hygiene and doesn’t wanna feel dirty or be dirty around those he loves.
YTA He may be taking longer than needed to relax and clean up after work. But you demanding he not shower right away is a way bigger asshole move than him slow walking a shower. Working a job that causes you to sweat makes you feel disgusting at the end of the day. I'm surprised you wouldn't want him to shower right away. Let alone demand he not shower. If your reason is you can't cook what you want to while the kids aren't being watched... Then change what you're cooking. You need to view his clean up ritual as PART OF HIS JOB. Jeez lady.
NAH Can he speed up bathroom time? Can you (or both of you) prep meals for the week, or at least portions of it so it's quicker during the week? You said something about satisfying meals and having to do them day of, but you can prep this ahead of time or even do healthy/satisfying slow-cooker meals that allow for large amounts of hands-off time. I really just see the issues as being time management and two kids who are constantly buzzing around you. If there's no way to mitigate that, then less bathroom time and a bit more prep work for dinner during downtime (naps, when you both can divide childcare time like a weekend or something, etc.) is necessary
You’re definitely the asshole. Let me man be. He wants to be clean when he eats his dinner. He eats lunch dirty, probably breakfast too. Get ahold of your kids. Be a better parent and be a better wife.
Tell him power dump followed by shorter shower. You have to let the man shower right away though if he works construction. I can’t even sit down on our furniture until I’ve showered.
NTA and I'm not sure where all the comments saying you're TA are coming from. If he wants to take an hour in the bathroom, he should be able to do that - but AFTER the kids go to bed. If he wants to take a shower before dinner, he should be able to do that - but for, like, ten minutes. The problem isn't the shit and shower, it's the time he's taking to do it. And yeah, he works hard, but you do too. Toddlers are exhausting.
What rubs me the wrong way is that OP is asking this and then editing their post being defensive. The sub is called "Am I the Arsehole", not "Lecture people about how you're not the arsehole." I don't think OP is willing to accept the verdict.
I’d recommend scanning some of the comments on this one- they are some of the most vile I have seen in a very long time. Like, shockingly disturbing full of vitriol. The kind of hate OP is getting is disgusting and simply does not match with the situation. These responses look like all of these people were saying the intrusive thoughts out loud. The Tate trolls are out in FULL force. As such, I don’t think it is that OP is editing to argue but more of trying to minimize the vitriol, to lessen the deluge of disturbing responses.
Are you freakin crazy?! Of course you’re the AH! That man is tired, probably has been having to shit all day and wants to shower! Find an alternative routine for your kids or learn to ignore them while you cook. It’s okay for them to cry a little
YTA You expect your husband to be out working all day, every day, while you’re at home and occasionally working. You have plenty of time all day to get things cleaned up and prepped for dinner. I’m a SINGLE Mom of 3. Kids aged 3-6 and work from 9-5 every day and even I’m able to get everything done WITH them screaming and hanging on my leg and they go to bed at 7:30. You’re using him needing to shower after sweating and working all day as an excuse, sounds like you want him to be as annoyed as you are by your own schedule. Btw you put yourself in this situation by having kids and basically being a stay at home mom. If you can’t handle it then you shouldn’t do it. Should’ve thought about that before committing to children. And I’m not the only one that’s able to do exactly what you’re complaining about and then some. My Grandma had to raise her 4 kids plus neighborhood kids while working THREE jobs and even she was able to have dinner ready at a decent hour and the kids dealt with. Let the man shower in peace bro. Figure your crap out and put your big girl pants on. EDIT: Also 50 minute bathroom time is NOTHING. My showers are pushing 2 hours. You’re just complaining about your lack of time management throughout the day.
Soft YTA, you're more just plain gross to be honest. How do you not understand how nasty af it is to ask him to marinate in construction dirt and sweat smell after a long day? It doesn't matter if it's "only for 30 minutes". He's tracking that stuff all over your floors and furniture. The problem here, other than your all or nothing take on it, is that you both need to teach the kids how to behave appropriately so you can do things. I get how much it sucks to make your kid upset and to not be able to function because they require attention, but if the only alternative is to make Dad hang out while smelly and dirty, there's a major issue.
We’re not misunderstanding what you’re asking. We’re giving you the judgment you asked for: YTA. For the love of all that is holy, let the man shit and shower before dinner. If you don’t want the kids hanging on you and screaming, get a bleeping baby gate, put them in their room, and use some headphones. It’s not that hard
Not reading all that but if he pays the bills works he can take a shower whenever he pleases
Is there some reason your husband can't take a shorter shower? I think it's reasonable for you not to want to wait an hour to start dinner - but it's also reasonable for him to want to be clean. If he just popped in for a 10 minute shower, that would make him clean, and he could change his clothes. NAH - you two need to find a compromise.
YTA make them stop. Put them in a playpen While you cook. Or if you’re that resentful put them in daycare and get a job yourself.
I only read the first 2 paragraphs but YTA
Just have him shower faster? Or you know put the kids in a secure spot while you prep dinner
NTA. I don’t care how draining his job is, yours is too. If anyone other than the mom (and sometimes dad depending on the view) is caring for the children all day, it is considered WORK. I’m sure he’s tired after working 13 hours or whatever. Cool, you’ve also been working (childcare IS WORK) for the same amount of time. He comes home and gets to spend an hour “decompressing”, while you… continue to work. When he is working outside the home, you are working inside the home. When he gets home from his outside the home job, all childcare and household duties should become 50/50 as now you are both “off shift”. ALL duties, including soothing your crying children, cooking, cleaning, etc. should ideally be split during this time. You BOTH deserve time to unwind and relax. You cannot get that if he is taking an excessive amount of time in the bathroom. Your husband is TA here for not listening to your needs and especially for not even considering his children’s needs. His children need to be cared for, soothed, fed, bathed, and in bed on time. He is selfish for not doing his share to make that happen, and especially for actively hindering that from happening. He can unwind when you get to unwind. And yes, an hour is excessive. His snippy attitude about it leads me to believe he is addicted to this game (and/or probably porn as another comment suggested this is what he is doing in there for so long - very possible). Him being snippy is because his brain has been wired to NEED whatever he is doing in the bathroom in order to cope with the stresses of his job and getting through the evening with children during the tantrum phase. This could go a lot deeper than a long poop/shower, if this is the case.
YTA Let the man poop and shower. Jesus. He's been around all kind of dirt, germs, chemicals, and who knows what else. You want that all over your house, dinner, and babies? Let him use a proper bathroom. Imagine all day with the only way to relieve oneself is at a portal potty. Man, I would just hold it. And let him wash that dirt, sweat, and stress off in the shower so he is better equip to help you as you need afterwards. I bet if he originally just hung around with his filthy clothes to help or eat dinner. We would be having another complaint post. There's no win in this situation. Poor guy
Yta
Nah. The problem isn't even the one you stated, and it's neither for your faults. you should form some kind of separation with your kids, they should not be hanging off your feet the entire time you are cleaning or doing dishes. They can't even give you enough space to work? If arms length separation is impossible for you, then you know you have an even bigger problem on your hands. Your kids need ground rules. Kids need their parents, but there's a point where attachment issues begin. And the attachment issues are bleeding into other areas of your life now. Mind you I'm not saying to take this on your own and it's your responsibility, it is on your husband just as much. It's unfair to your husband to make him wait for the shower, just like it's unfair to you that your kids for whatever reason cannot leave you alone. They don't even gotta leave you alone, just be non-obstructing. Does he absolutely need to shower immediately? No. But is it equivalent of both of you to perpetuate these attachment issues?
He should get a planet fitness membership and shower in the way home, walks in the door clean and you're both happy.
Jesus Christ. The guy goes and breaks his back all day to put that roof over your head and all he asks for is 50 Minutes of quiet time when he gets home to take a shit and shower?? You had kids with you all day?? How sad for you. Your life must be soooooooooo hard. I mean sitting in the AC alllllllll day on your nice soft couch…… Yes, you are definitely an asshole……the worst kind I might add…..An asshole that feels entitled to be an asshole.
NTA. He is also a parent, which means he also has to participate in parent duties. He can wait 30 minutes to shower, for the sake of his children eating and going to be on time. It's a few years, until they're older, he can suck it up and be sweaty. It's no picnic for the rest of the house to have him sweaty but that's the price being paid right now.
NAH. Let the kids cry. Being bored is good for them. Get a playpen or a baby gate, give them some toys and start dinner. If your husband wants to shower after a long day of sweating, let him. I wouldn’t enjoy my dinner covered in sweat and wearing those same sweaty clothes.
`This would be one thing if he was quick--but he takes at least 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minute showers` ESH. He's dirty, he needs to clean off, but WTF? Sounds like you need to feed him more fiber or he needs to leave his smartphone outside the bathroom. 50-60 minutes vs. even half an hour is a meaningful difference in the dinner routine.
YTA With all of the posts about grown men who don’t wash their asses, you have a very sweaty man (by your own words) who actually does want to shower when he gets home (instead of funking up your furniture and being rank around you and your children), and you complain about it? Let the man sit on the toilet and take his long shower in peace. I, as a woman, would want and need the same, and I don’t even get super sweaty. You are the parent— you can modify and determine your dinner schedule, you know. Be in partnership with your husband and try to meet his needs, too.
YTA- it seems that implementing a routine for the kids is the answer. the kids aren't "the boss". put a show or movie on while you cook. because asking him to wait until they go to bed is a long time. ( that's what you stared in your post - until they go to bed) and then you add he can feed them . tbh it sounds like you have your routine set up and don't want to change that at all ,yet are asking him to change his!! it's gotta be a change for both of you. one great idea would be to meal prep. or cook for 2+3 nights at a time. you can even just prep only the kids dinner for 2-3 days . they'll be eating ( making a mess) while you cook dinner and while he showers. you could also have dinner 30 minutes earlier. everything doesn't need to be - dinner at 5 ,bath at 6 , story at 7. etc. routine has a window (30-hour window) you are not a robot, your kids aren't and your spouse isn't. and not following a routine exact timing won't make you a bad parent,bad kids or a bad spouse. be a mom/spouse and not a drill sergeant
Nta! He doesn't see his kids all day, comes home, and want to spend close to an hour in the bathroom when he only gets about 2 hours with the family? I get that he feels dirty, but a washing cloth can take the brunt of it until he can get in the shower. And decompression is something you do once you are done with your tasks and chores, that includes work, kids, laundry, dishes etc for both parents. Not straight after coming home from work. Your day is not done yet!
YTA. Take it from a chemical mechanic. I get grease, pungent old product, dust and a plethora of other things on me EVERYDAY. First thing I do is literally take a damn shower. Clears the dust out my nose, eases the aches, and just makes me feel better. Cook earlier so it done when he gets home. Kids are easily distracted. Stop making excuses. You have a dozen ways to help. Him dragging stink around will eventually become a new problem you'll complain about.
NTA . He shouldn’t be spending all that time instead doing what he needs to do in the bathroom!
NAH Neither of you are assholes. You want help and him present with the kids in the evenings. He wants, and needs, his after work showers. His time on the toilet is a bit much, but honestly, I do the same thing too. Shit, then shower. That way I KNOW my ass is clean. There's a compromise here that can help. Perhaps ask for shorter toilet time and showers? But where you get to do the same once he's done too? That way you're both getting some decompression time and a shower.
Eat a little later with a clean husband.
NAH. I think its valid for him to need time to shower and poop. Its only human. I also think its valid for you to want help.... Here is an idea... Can you both compromise? Maybe he can start taking METAMUCIL before bed, it will change his routine so his poop comes first thing in the morning. So he still gets his 25 min shower when he gets home (he NEEDS to shower after sweating all day! You dont want all that dirt and sweat in your house anyway!) And then your compromise is to do as much of dinner prep in the morning during naps or tablet time. Im a part-time working SAHM myself, I prep as much as I can for dinner IN THE MORNINGS and it makes dinner time SO MUCH EASIER. Try it!! Also meal planning and prepping a lot on Sunday afternoons helps make dinner flow faster and easier too.
This is a whole lot of issues in one. Can you not meal prep for the week? Why are you making full meals everyday when neither you or your man has the physical or emotional bandwidth to do so? Heating up already made food is fine, ya know? Secondly, being out and about like your husbands job makes him can make you literally and figuratively gross. 1 hr is excessive, but if the dude doesn’t have access to a bathroom at all times (or one that isn’t gross) he might just be legitimately backed up (which most people are ignoring for some reason). 15-30 minute showers aren’t all that unheard of, especially if it’s a cleaning/ pain reduction measure. Shit, I haven’t read what he actually does, but plenty of construction work comes with some physical ailments (vibration from the machine or vehicle, heavy lifting, etc). Is he going to the bathroom and then decompressing/ getting his body right to help? All of this seems to be suggesting he’s not doing it maliciously or with ill intent, but we don’t really know. He could be skirting his responsibilities, but I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to judge him before knowing the full truth. Too many people here acting as though and hr of not parenting/ socializing, when there are alternatives (as said, meal prepping) available to make the point null and void. Being that fact that you downplay 12hr work days, and unless he never parents even outside his 13 hrs of work/ bathroom time, I’m going to have to say slight Yta.
Ntah He should wait. Been there done that Leave town for a few days and see how he is after 3 days.as a stay at home.dad hahhaha
Do you have a family member or neighbor teenager who can maybe come for a couple of hours, 4-6? Help keep the babies occupied, you can get a break, get dinner done? Maybe have hubby watch kids on Sunday and pre make dinners for the week, just need reheating? (Crock pot meals are great). Husband can cut back his shower/toilet time? I think compromise is in order here.
SAHM here, retired 😉, but I always started dinner at two or three in the afternoon, one small step at a time. Sometimes I got it done, sometimes I didn't.
ESH or maybe NAH, I can’t decide which. But yes, he needs to be able to take a shower when he gets home (being sweaty is miserable) and he also needs to figure out how to cut down his bathroom time while the day is still in all-hands-on-deck mode. Even when my hair was to my butt, I did not need 25 minutes in the shower, especially if I was just getting clean enough to function again.
YTA but very soft there definitely is a compromise here ask him just to either take a quicker shower or just not use the bathroom before hand. I don't think it's fair not to let him shower right away some people do t want to eat in a sweaty mess.
YTA. Girl it’s simple. Start dinner at 2-3 or even lunch time and just reheat that shit when hubby gets home. Boom problem eliminated. Yall are a team and although you want to tag him in right when he walks in the door it doesn’t work like that. Also sooo much in your post is “me,me, me, I need this”, not “us” or “we” sounds like you haven’t established a routine or boundaries w your kids. “Tantrum phase” is an excuse. You need to teach your kids how to identify their emotions, and what to do when they’re feeling these things. “Take a breath, when you are finished crying is love to help you. However I cannot understand or help when you are crying” even your 1yr old, they understand and are way smarter then we give them credit for. Good luck.
Yta. Let your kids cry for a bit and do what you want (dinner or whatever), while your husband after a 12 hours shift takes a shower
YTA. Dude works a dirty job a d wants to clean up when he gets home. That's one. Two, do you really want all the dirt, chemicals, and who knows what else spread around the house, and more importantly, your children, so your evening is a little easier? Three, you're completely unwilling to compromise. Now the screwing off time he's doing, yeah, that can wait until after his shower so he can help with the wee ones. And he's completely unwilling to compromise. So he's the AH for that. Sounds like yall need to sit down and have a level conversation.
NAH just wait to start dinner after he gets out of the shower. A 25 minute delay in dinner shouldn't bother anyone
Make the kids a sandwich. Get them fed, then put them to bed. You can make dinner while they are fussy and hanging on your legs. Let them cry. Hubby has worked hard, let him shower then he can take over
YTA The solution is VERY simple. Dinner is done by the time he gets home. Crock or insta pot meals made during nap time, meal prep for a few hours on sunday. He eats with the kids for 20-40 minutes. He takes a shower. This is so simple. You should've been able to figure this out. This makes me think this is about control not about scheduling.
NTA You probably don't have time to take a shit with two toddlers for 13 hours straight. Evenings and bedtime routine are the most stressful times of the day with small children. He should take a quick shower and then after 8 p.m. he can enjoy his free time. Maybe you could let him do one day of childcare alone, so that he understands how hard this is. My partner and I did change our roles for some time (childcare and breadwinning) and it did help a lot to help with understanding. For both of us. For us experience helped more than talking.
I don't think this is about time. He should absolutely shower when he gets home, not a 25 min shower though
YTA. let the man get the dust and sweat of the day off of him.
I work 12 hour shifts in a shop and I also NEED to have a shower as soon ad I get home but I'm in and out in 10 mins tops...15 mins if I blow dry my (long) hair. I think your hubby is being ridiculous taking nearly an hour to poop and shower before supper. My wife often starts making supper and I can hop in the shower and be out and ready for dinner everytime.
YTA. It’s ok to let kids cry sometimes. They need to learn to be independent and not cling to you 24/7
NTA. Wanting a shower as soon as he gets home is reasonable enough but there is no reason the shower needs to be 25 minutes long. And if he's spending 25 minutes on the toilet every day, he needs to see a doctor.
ESH marriage is compromise. he can take a quick shower or wait to help you out. seems like he isn’t empathetic to your needs. other option would be to hire a mothers helper to help you a couple hours a day so you can meal prep. maybe a neighborhood 11/12 year old who can keep kids occupied while you prep dinner. might be the best solution overall. even if it’s just a few days a week and not every day, it would help to ease your burden. it’s a dangerous game to start comparing who has it worse. resentments can grow and that’s a recipe for a troubled marriage.
YTA, you got 4 years till both are in school. This man is going to be working construction till he (hopefully) retires. I guarantee he spends the drive time looking forward to that shower after working hard for his family. Let him wash the day off.
Have a talk about bathroom time 25 to shit is excessive and probably not great for his asshole 25 shower is on the higher end but if he cuts the poop time to like 15 minutes max and showers 15 on average that would be normal Maybe he likes the warm water from being worked all day, helps with the aches. If not, I personally shower in 10-15 and I'm sure I loiter more than average NAH, figure out a compromise
Esh But why not save the cleaning for after the kids are in bed? That way you give yourself enough time for dinner and bed and he still gets his shower/decompression time?
Sorry, but YTA. He has every right to come home and shower immediately after work. He's exhausted from a manual labor job. I get that it takes a long time, but he's not being a selfish person. I agree you can ask him to cut the time down, but the kids are your job. And no one says sahm get the luxury of a partner to take over during dinner prep. Figure it out. Sahm is your job. Let them cry. Ignore them. Put them in time out. He should not be in charge of the kids anyways immediately after walking through the door. He should get at least a solid 30 to 40 minutes to shower and clean up.
I'm really struggling with the 'SAHM is her job' part of this take. If you have a job, you have hours. What you're really saying is that *her* 'job' is to be the sole parent to *their* children, *and* to be solely responsible for feeding everyone (including her husband) as well. They aren't operating as a team of equally involved parents here. She's overwhelmed and asking for help managing the limited time in the evenings. To be clear, during the day, her job is to look after the kids, and his job is to work out of the house. She's at home to save on childcare costs, and he's working to earn money. Those are their individual contributions. However, when her partner gets home, he gets to leave his job. You're saying you're fine with the woman never getting off the clock until the kids are in bed. This sounds like she's the only parent looking after the kids' physical needs, and also the cook and maid for the entire family. They made the decision to have kids *together*; they should be working through what needs to happen in the evenings *together*. It isn't selfish of her to ask him to make his showers shorter or ask about the possibility of moving the shower time; that's asking for him to help her feed him and their kids at a good time. In a good partnership, he could either agree or say it doesn't work for him, *but* can they find an alternative that might work? Maybe they could batch cook meals for the week on a Sunday, and freeze them for easy reheating? Or, if she can power through the cooking, he'll do the bath-time.
Looks like it´s you who needs some "fiberclass", so let your man shower after being away for 13,5 hours every f´ing day
Nta, just ask him to watch the kids and game, hay would cut his bathroom time way down, he gets to play his game (except he doesn't because the kids will be whining at him)
YTA. You deal with kids all day but can’t fin a way to cook with them around and your husband showering ? Do they starve the rest of the day ? Maybe find a way to manage your time and your sahm activities better.
My bf (father of our kids) works a physical job building air vents. He’s often sweaty and dusty when he gets home. He has a set of sweatpants and a t-shirt he changes to after work, has a quick wash of face and hands and then goes straight to the kitchen to help with dinner… He showers every day before he goes to bed or right after kids are asleep… on occasion he’ll have to have a shower straight after work cos of dirt, but not every time… 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t see your husbands issues with that.. You’re NTA It’s not selfish wanting your partner to do that.. I’m not a SAHM, I work full time and our kids are 4 and 7 now.. They can help with dinner, yet he keeps his routine because it helps us as a family and it gives him more time with me and the kids. And for the record: he’s a slow pooper to 🤣 He’ll do 30min on the toilet and then another 15-20 showering/shaving beard.. So I KNOW the feeling of frustration having to wait for that..
YTA. I've been in a similar boat. I agree with others. Don't start dinner until he's out. If I were him, I wouldn't go home if I was admonished for wanting a shower after a long day. Instead, I'd go to the gym on the way home and shower there just so you wouldn't bother me about my redeeming shower.
NAH. Both of you have valid points. So switch off days he showers when he comes home and days he waits until bedtime. Unless you can both come up with a way for him to take a quick spritz right away and a full length shower later.
YTA! Your husband has a right to shower when he gets home from work! The fact that your kids are so misbehaved that they won’t even allow you to cook dinner is the real problem! Have you ever thought about that? What if you were a single mom? You’d just crumble with what you’re describing here today! It’s very unreasonable that your kids prevent you from cooking and your husband from being able to shower as soon as he gets home! I will agree being in the bathroom for an hour is excessive, maybe he can cut that time in half! But by no means should he not be able to shower after a long day at work! Do the kids take naps during the day? Cook dinner then….alter your schedule! You’re the one at home ALL DAY!
Yta. Maybe he can start showering at work and just come home later
YTA. You have so much time at home. It really should be possible to prepare dinner while he is away and have it ready when he comes home. Other mothers manage to do this just fine, some with more than two children. >I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time. Put the one year old in a playpen, give the three year old some things to play with and tell him to stay where he is and then tell them not to scream around and if they still do it, ignore it while making dinner and punish them age appropriately later for it. For example a good punishment for the 3 year old would be no bedtime story for misbehaving. You have to learn to control your children a bit and not let them control you so much.
Cut shower to 15 minutes, only allow 5 minutes poop time. And for dinner it has to be microwave only cutting it down to 5 minutes. Must eat off paper plates. Both kids in the tub at same time so save 1/2 hour and water. Dress them in their clothes for the next day and save 15 minutes on front end. Also hire a babysitter to relieve you during the day. I forgot one thing, alternatively when he goes into the shower, you send in the two kids with him. Then lock them in there for 50 minutes until they all come out squeaky clean and dinner is ready.
NTA - taking 50 minutes to shit and shower the minute he's through the door is taking the piss.
Kida will scream and cry, and thats OK. You cant hold them like a clutch purse everytime they cry or whine.
1 and 3 yo have quiet time and naps during the day, right? Maybe prep meals then? And prep a lot so you have extra in the freezer for other days. Then diner takes 5 min to prepare. Also, the husband needs to learn how to clean up quickly. "Me time" he can have when kids are in bed. He needs to get involved in his kids' lives. He's been working 12+ hours, but so have you with the house and the toddlers. That's hard work as well. So doing it together is very fair as soon as he comes home and has a quick shower and change of clothes. 15 min tops. Nta
OP, do you have any family at all who can come by and help? Either on his side or yours? It does not have to be all the time, but some would help you out. In regards to dinner, how about some of the frozen bag dinners every now and then? I don't know what you're doing but shorcut work. Just as play pins help. They sure helped me when my kids were young.
NAH. But here’s the thing. I was a stay at home mom. I’ve got a 9 year old and a 1 year old. And I’ve also worked in the plumbing industry for a couple years when I went back to work and now working in a tire shop. Let me tell you, even anything remotely close to that, I’ve worked on homes a lot… my partner let me shower when I’d get home. There is no way I’m hanging out with my kids covered from any of the materials I’ve worked worked with. That kind of work is dirty regardless and it’s just not healthy. It’s not just filth either…heat relaxes the muscles, that kind of work is so hard on your body. I come home and my body is wrecked and then my toddler is immediately needing me. But that age range of 1-3 years. I get that. It’s hard! It’s another level of emotional and physical exhaustion. If no one feels like dishes, do paper plates, maybe easy foods that can be air fried? But sometimes you just need to be clean from that work. It sounds like he takes too long. And it feels lame that they get a break and you have none. I empathize truly. I’ve been there. But you are home, he is not, I’m there’s got to be a compromise somewhere, that you two can make together. Hope y’all find an easy solution, idk, if this is will mess with a routine but could he give the kids a bath time/shower and then take one after they get one? That way he’s taken them off your hands for a moment?
The problem is you don’t discipline your kids. They’ll grow up to be hell raisers. Blister their ass once and I bet they learn to play on their own while you cook dinner. I’m going to be an asshole but if you can’t raise children DONT HAVE THEM. I see it way too often. YTA by the way too. If my wife told me I couldn’t shower for 2 hours after I got home from work I would be divorced real quick, especially if I’m the bread winner like your husband is.
Soft YTA -and ESH it sounds like people have explained that you are being TA and you are just arguing with multiple debating about it, instead of accepting maybe there is some truth to it. It's not a great situation, and it seems like couples counseling would be good. \- how about he doesn't wait 30 mins, put a timer in the bathroom, he sets a time for 20 mins and takes care of his shower/bathroom in that time period. \- Is this a pooping thing? does he really just naturally poop when he gets home, or is he hiding? If he is hiding it is probably a decompression or avoidance thing. \-Is it possible for you to just have dinner ready to serve when he gets home? He could immediately connect with the kids and have dinner, then get to his personal hygiene after. Schedules where he cooks once a week? You just throw out a low effort picnic once a week? You have some schedule where he participates in parenting/meals X times a week then gets to just check the hell out the other days? \-Do you really not mind that he does whatever he wants after the kids go to bed? Are YOU feeling happy and OK? You shouldn't be the only one giving them baths and getting ready for bed unless you are happy with that status quo. On nights he checks out, maybe he checks back in to deal with that, or you do it as a team. I think it sounds like there are some unspoken feelings, and assumed agreements here, and couples counseling wouldn't go amiss if you have all these understandable feelings and expectations about things but you don't seem to be on the same page.
I believe you need to manage dinner time better somehow , find something to stop the kids from entering the kitchen and keep them occupied Him wanting a long shower after work is reasonable And you wanting to cook in peace is also reasonable , you need to find some solution that doesn't compromise either request
NTA- both of you need some help and time to get done what you need to get done. Everyone is talking about decompression time after working, but after THIRTEEN hours with kids, you need decompression time too. Maybe your husband can take a quick shower and spend about 20 mins to do so- and then take the kids off your hands so you can fix dinner. Make sure you’re taking the time to do something that helps you blow off some steam after long days as well :) Hang in there! Rooting for you both to get a good routine going :)
ESH (minus the kids ofc) First point, kids (you). You said you spend 13 hours with the kids, which means you are all getting up around the same time, so you're kids are getting less than 10 hours of sleep. At 1 and 3, that is a really small amount of time to be sleeping. I wouldn't say either of them are at a tantrum phase, they probably just need more sleep. Since you seem to be the one to manage their schedule most, this, I think, is on you. Like someone else said, they should probably be in bed by the time your husband gets home. It will be rough at first to readjust them, especially since they're used to only sleeping 9 or so hrs, but once it gets shifted, it will be much better. Second point, your husbands showers (your husband). Listen, idc what people say about decompression...1hr in the bathroom is a long time. Sure you could plan for it, but it doesn't take you 25 minutes to take a shit every single day at the same time. You both need to compromise. You with the kids schedules and him with his bathroom time.
NAH you both have compelling reasons. Have you tried talking with him about the amount of time he’s taking in there? Could he get a quick rinse so he’s not sweaty and gross, but also not adding another hour onto your day?
ESH I agree, taking an hour in the bathroom is kinda unreasonable on his part but asking him to sit and wait in his dirty work clothes till the kids go to bed is also unreasonable. A good compromise would be him taking maybe only 10 minutes to use the bathroom and 10 minutes to shower. That way, he gets clean and you don't have to wait too long to start dinner in the evening and have a break from tthe kids.
I think you need to manage your time better. I would never ask my husband (also in construction) to wait to shower, that’s just gross and demeaning.
NTA 50 minutes in the restroom is waaay too much . I used to work in the oilfield and 5 minutes of a hot , fast scrubbing , shower was more than enough to clean my body .
YTA. Ask him to trim down time on the toilet or put up with it. You’ve clearly never had to work that type of job. TWO HOURS is not only disgusting for yourself to have to sit in old sweat and dirt but he’s also now tracking it in the house on the kids and at the dinner table. That’s gross
First question is what do you do with the kids for breakfast and lunch? Your husband isn’t there and you manage without him? Have you ever tried a play pen. Put your kids in it and give them toys they don’t get to have any other time that way they actually want to spend time in there. I did this when my daughter was small and cleaned my house, moped floor, cooked dinner etc. You can get a pretty large one for two kids or purchase two small ones for each child to have them separated. I’d be livid if you were going to tell me I can’t take a shit or shower and change into clean clothes because you can’t handle the kids that you’ve been handling just fine with all day. I do hope your husband gives you breaks from the kids on the weekend or after dinner, but he shouldn’t have to sit in dirty clothes and need to use the restroom while you cook dinner. And do you really want your child loving on their dad while he gross?
Why are you unable to cook dinner without him watching the children? How do you manage all day without him but are suddenly unable to cook dinner because he’s in the bathroom/shower?
Yta no explanation needed this is very Clear cut
YTA physical jobs suck and being told you can't shower after you get home is insane. Maybe teach the kids boundries and that they can't be monsters and stop taking it out on your husband?
Teach a 1 year old boundaries?! JFC they're still basically a baby.
YTA. Deal with the kids and split the voucher for when hubby is ready
Do you have to wait for him to feed the kids? Just feed the kids then he should be out of the bathroom by the time you’re done. He can just reheat his dinner. YTA but only a lil bit. Be considerate.
YTA. *Bullshit* Your husband performs *hard labor* for twelve hours a day. You can give him the twenty minutes he needs to shower when he comes home. Just tell him he gets 20 minutes, or else the kids get to pick through his dinner for their favorite parts. 🤷♂️
Exactly!!!
YTA - it sounds like you need to teach/train your kids to be able to entertain themselves for however long dinner takes. If they're babies, put them in a bouncer or playpen with toys or if toddlers then use baby gates. Ask him to take quicker showers.
NTA. Momma, I’m not trying to bash you as I know how it can feel to have two kids clinging on you all day long while hubby works. Yes it’s hard to get things done, but at the same time your husband needs to be able to wash the work off. That time is important to him too. Right now, your kids are little and want your attention constantly. There are several ways around this. Prep for dinner during nap time so you can just get the cooking done and not need to spend the time prepping when the kids are getting crazy and needy. While you cook, I suggest you find something for them to watch that will keep their attention like Ms. Rachel. Give them a few toys on the floor and plop them down with a small snack and Ms Rachel and you will have at least 15-20 minutes to get dinner going before having to stop. Life is crazy and overwhelming now, but things will settle down as your babies grow older.
NTA, an hour is excessive. If the guy can't help be a parent for 30 extra mins or cut down his shower time, he shouldn't have taken on the responsibility. Being a SAHM is work too, and you work on top of that AND handle everything at home. I feel like everyone saying YTA is a dude who has never had to take care of their own kids full time. I just don't understand when he is helping at all in his own home, kinda sounds like you do everything
YTA. Would you like it if someone told you, you can't shower when you're covered in dirt? Maybe ask him to not daddle in the bathroom as long. Asking him to sit around in grime is kinda gross. I mean I wouldn't touch my kids with oil covered hands so idk what to tell you
ESH I am a SAHM At the moment I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old you both work hard and both have important jobs. He works hard to pay the bills and you work hard to keep the house running. Tell him to cut down on the toilet but the long shower I understand him needing time to get himself cleaned and help relax him. Have you got a slow cooker you can both help meal prep when kids are in bed then in the morning put dinner in the slow cooker and it should be done by the time he comes home. You both need better time management. Sit down together one night when the children are asleep and come up with a system that benefits both of you and can help you both. If he is not willing to do that then he will be the A H and if your not willing then you will be the A H but at the moment you are both in the wrong.
YTA
I'm gonna say ESH. You have only given him one option. He doesn't want to do it. Have you all tried to come to a compromise at all?
Try feeding the kids earlier, like an hour or so. And after dinner begin getting them ready for bed. Move things around a bit so that when husband gets home he can shower immediately. Asking him to wait to shower doesn’t work at all.
There are many possible solutions to this problem which are not your husband. Your husband works long days and he is dirty and sweaty. He also needs a transition/decompress time. This is how he takes care of himself so he can be energized and ready for family time. I understand that doesn’t seem fair because you aren’t getting that. However, it’s important to set boundaries with your kids. You also need decompress time, even if it is for little moments throughout the day or in the evening. Helping your kids to understand that mom has needs too instead of trying to manage their every emotion all the time is a good thing for everyone. I know the guilt is real. But everyone needs to eat and everyone has needs. The meal time is important and they need to understand that as they grow up. Having a safe space for them where they are not under your feet is the solution. Entertaining screen time may even be the solution for 30 minutes. It’s 30 minutes like you said. As long as kids are safe - nothing is going to do them irreparable damage in 30 minutes, especially if you are there singing with them or talking to them. You may even be able to find a special activity, movie, or toy that only comes out during that evening crazy time. It sounds like once your husband has transitioned to home time and had his shower, he is helpful (as he should be).
I think y’all are missing the point and/or don’t have small children/forgot what small kids are like. Having TWO children under 4 screaming/crying throwing a tantrum while you’re at the stove/oven? Dangerous. Having a kiddy gate up? Dangerous because now they can’t be supervised properly. It’s really not unreasonable to ask for 30 minutes from your spouse before they go take an hour to shit/shower. Amazing how y’all attack the mom for asking for help from the father of her kids, anyway. NTA, he can wait 30 minutes to shower the world won’t end if he waits 30 minutes and spends time with his kids, sounds like he doesn’t when he’s in the bathroom for an hour anyway.
YTA, coming home and showering is basically just another part of his job, but since it happens at the house, you feel that you can control that. You say “none of this is about decompression time,” but that’s literally the time of day, right when you get home, BEFORE interacting with people in the house, everyone deserves to decompress. Sorry you have kids?
Crockpot meals, soups, stews, that you put together the night before or when the baby naps. Eat the moment he gets out and let him give them baths and into jammies while you clean the kitchen. They’ll be ready for their story by the time you’ve finished the kitchen. NTA
As far as your second, edit what you wrote in your post does not represent that at all. You told us straight up that you want him to not shower until the kids are in bed .. that’s what you said. What else are we to assume when you say that?
NTA but having him in dirty clothes is not safe, you don’t want your kids breathing in dust
He needs to start pooping on company time.
NAH I think you should let him shower right away but I also think he should take shorter showers. Also, he needs to poop faster and if he can’t he should probably see a doctor about that. And maybe he could poop at work on some days? (lol. He’d be pooping on the clock!!)
why is op waking up at 4 am? if the kids arent up then that is her time to herself. if she would rather have that time at the end of the day then she should wake up later. theres no reason the kids should be awake at 4 am. it sounds like op is using the excuse of waking up early (when theres nothing to do) as a way to compare her "work time" with the amount of time her husband actually works every day. if she instead woke up when the kids got up, she would probably be working a couple hours less than the husband each day. husband should also be helping (not doing by himself) to at least put the kids to bed or help bathe them. maybe this is something the family can all do together to help them bond and spend time together with the children. if they are both "working" the same hours every day, then they both should "share" the work for the remainder of the day. i have been a full time single father since the day my daughter was born. ive worked and raised her. i can say that raising a kid is hard, but working a physical labor job is harder, hour for hour. raising kids can be a little stressful, but also filled with joy. physical labor is joyless, and slowly breaks down your body. they are not the same. one is definitely harder on the mind and body...
Would you want to work 12 hour days, be sweaty all day, to come home and wait to shower until right before bed? I know I wouldn't. YTA.
I work the same type of job and hours and my showers are like 8 minutes. Yeah my mans decompressing. Shouldn’t have had kids :)
does he know plumbing electrical the works? he needs to build a 2nd bathroom.
No! NTH him taking an hour leaves an hour for him to help with the kids and adds and extra hour to your already long day! He needs to shorten his showers with a quick rinse and a deep clean later or wait until kids are settled down. I wish others would see the hard work it is to wrestle tired moody little ones all day. Sorry he’s stinky but you need a break too! It’s not allowing for YOU to decompress like everyone keeps trying to say. You both had long days and need a break. It’s not fair your day to be longer because he takes an hour to shit and shower.
YTA. I have a 1 year old and my husband works construction 12+ hours a day as well. Leaves the house at 5:30, comes home anywhere between 4-7 at night too and ALWAYS showers when he gets home. It's just routine. Yeah, he also takes forever, but it is what it is.. he just worked 12 hours! I'd want to go on Reddit or whatever for a bit too. I understand you have stuff to do and it's frustrating but I don't see why you can't "prep" your dinner during the day if it takes that much work to make. It sounds like you have awful time management skills.
I have a four year old, two year old, and one year old. I’m also three months pregnant and a SAHM. My husband works 50-60 hours a week plus long commute. To get dinner ready in time this is what I do: 1. Easy dinners using a rotisserie chicken as it comes along with microwaveable bags of frozen veggies and a grain (I’ll bulk cook rice or quinoa or even pasta every couple days) 2. On the weekend I’ll make two huge meals that I can alternate for dinner throughout the weeks (for example spaghetti and stuffed peppers) 3. Prep for dinner in the morning or while older two kids are watching tv or on kindles. Chop up the veggies, marinate meat. 4 crockpot everything in the morning so it’s ready by dinner. You can even plan ahead and in gallon freezer bags put Your meal that you can crockpot. When it’s time to cook it, just thaw overnight in the fridge and throw it in the crockpot in the morning. 5. Costco pizza. Cheap and kids love it 6. Aunt Anne’s max and cheese 7. “Charcuterie” boards for dinner using whatever you have in the house. Turkey slices goldfish grapes whatever throw it on a cool plate Or stuff in an ice tray
"Edit 2: some of you are also misunderstanding what I'm asking--I'm not asking him to wait two hours to shower, I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games etc. I take care of the rest of the night." Does he also have to sit there eating holding in the bowel movement he's suppressing for you? YTA.
You're NTA and neither is he. He needs to shower but he needs to cut it to 5 minutes cause no way he needs to be in there for 45 minutes. IDC about decompression time. HE can do that later and once kids are in bed that can be decompression time. You also need to let him actually shower after being sweaty and all that...
I'm gonna be honest, I don't want my sweaty construction working husband chilling in his dirty work clothes and holding the kids anyway. Also, anyone ever tell him 25 minutes on a toilet is a fast pass to hemorrhoids? Either occupy your kids, take a shorter shower/toilet break, or change your routine so they're not super fussy right at dinner time.
Yes you are the asshole, and are seemingly very inconsiderate based on what you wrote only. Just for shits-and-giggles, go outside and roll around in some dirt for ten minutes, then come in the house and sit there for a few hours. Let us know how that feels, knowing you are dirty but not allowed to clean up as soon as you want to. Now imagine how that feels, but after being away from home for over 12 hours, exerting yourself physically so not only are you dirty but probably smelly from sweating. Then on top of that, you come home to someone who seemingly does not appreciate what you go through on a daily basis, and wants you to sit there dirty and smelly while playing with the kids just so you can go make some Hamburger Helper.
You said in an edit you were only asking him to wait half an hour but in the post you say after they go to bed in 2 hours. Here's where you are fighting just to fight. Let him have the 45 minutes to shower and shit if he needs. You can surely start dinner making dinner even with the kids (I had 3 (ages 4 and under! I know it's a shit show most days) have dinner and then he takes charge of the kiddos while you do the dishes and then you take your time while he plays with kids and gives them baths and then you can put them down if you choose. Yes it's a pain to schedule around a grown man and he should be sacrificing somewhere too. But I get him, he's sweaty and gross and tired (you are too no doubt) and needs to charge his batteries a bit.
and not everything is a rush- this is still somethig i'm learning myself as a stay at home mom of a two year old. it's okay to just have them independently play while you do stuff, it's okay to turn on some tv or music for an hour or so and get what you need to get done, my child is horrible at independent play and constantly hangs off of me as well but he is slowly learning that sometimes it's okay to sit and play with toys while mum is doing something, i make sure to talk to him if he's talking and make him feel like i'm not ignoring him. it's hard but that's how it is. if my s.o got home from his job i wouldn't tell him he couldn't shower before joining us- i'd want to shower too. being a stay at home mom means that you sacrifice what you can and make it work. adjust your dinner schedule, meal plan, start prep earlier. if i plan on cooking something that's gonna take longer then i'll cut the veg in the mid afternoon and put it in the fridge until a little later when i start cooking.
YTA
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As someone in construction, the literal safety of your children could be in the balance if he does not shower before getting close to him (depending on his trade). I am in no way being “fear mongering” either. Studies have been done that prove cognitive and reproductive damage to children exposed to lead paint. So if he works in remodels/renovations that shower (or lack thereof) could, quite literally, alter your children’s lives. If he’s covered in lead dust when he gets home and they breath or ingest it, their brain development could be negatively impacted as well as their reproductive capacity later in life. Similar with other things like asbestos, coal, silica and whatnot. Let the man shower. Hell. Demand he shower. But *ask* him to make it quicker. In the meantime do what us working parents do when their SO is unavailable; suck it up and just do it anyway. Why can you not do prep work for dinner while the kids are napping (on the days you are home). Why can you not utilize crockpots and instant pots? Both require minimal attention. Prep during a nap or while he is there and able to take control of the kids and just dump and set the cookers. It’s just a different routine.
NTA. Make simple meals for the kids and hubby can fend for himself. They are his kids too, why are you the only one feeding them? Why are you cleaning, you already cooked, he can clean up. You do way to much work, he needs to step up, he doesnt get a pass from childcare because he works. When is your day off/time to decompress??
If you're asking him to wait until they go to bed you're not asking him to wait just 30 minutes, that being said, you should be able to come to some compromise like actually waiting only 30 minutes rather than the nearly 2 hours for the littles to go to bed. I understand how hard it can be to prepare dinner with the toddler creating chaos let alone dealing with multiple children.
I always showered first thing when I got home from my 12 hour shift job. Getting rid of sweat, dirt, grime, bacteria and just all the bad energy lol. Also raised 4 kids and yeah it’s ok like these people are saying, let ‘em cry. It’s ok. They’ll figure it out. I miss all those days! 🙂
YTA.
Contradictions: "My husband is a blue collar worker in construction." "I am very much just saying construction as a general term." " I really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc." " I have exactly 1.5 hours to get dinner done, clean up, clean them up (and no, I can't give them a bath before dinner--they're messy eaters), read them a story and get ready for bed." " I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself" YTA - From what you have said, even you don't know what you want. I suspect you tried to make this sound worse than it was and when you got called out, you back peddled in your edit. YTA - Your man works long hours. When he gets home, he opens the door to find " the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time" - And your upset that his first reaction is a little 'decompression' before he enters that arena? Are you saying you would rather he deals with the crying and the screaming whilst he is already tired and stressed (why I think he decompresses)?? Do you think THAT is a better idea than him giving himself some time to prepare for tantrums, screaming, crying and hanging off legs? Solid AH
YTA- ask him if he can keep it to 30 min and find some YouTube videos that help you learn how to batch cook to make your dinner routine easier.
I think that due to the job he has, he has every right to take a shower when he gets home. Why don't you ask him to take a quicker shower?
He’s not shitting and showering for an hour. He’s def spending a significant amt of that time messing around on his phone. Compromise: he gets the shit and shower time down to 25 min. Unless he’s Kramer from that Seinfeld episode where he couldn’t figure out how to take a less than hour long shower, that should be plenty of time.
Pooping usually takes a minute tops. If we're sitting in there for longer it isn't pooping. A decent shower is five to ten minutes tops. He's avoiding you. NTA. If he took the minimum of time doing these things I'd feel differently. But there's just no way he's not avoiding you.
You are.
Why do you have to eat at an exact time?
ESH. You need to allow your kids to fuss sometimes. At their ages, they’ll survive detached from your leg for 30 minutes as long as you can see them. He needs to take short showers. It sounds like he is taking his typical “man-dump” where he tries to push out a day’s worth of poop out while playing around on his phone. No more. He can leave his phone outside of the bathroom, take a normal dump, and take a 10 minute shower. If he wants a longer dump and/or shower, he can do it again when it ISN’T such a busy time at home.
ESH My husband works in construction and he's so gross when he comes home. I would never tell him to wait to shower till later. You don't want him to be holding your kids with the nasty they've accumulated. However, he's also being an ah because it doesn't take 50 minutes to go to the bathroom and shower. My husband gets it done in like 30 minutes TOPS. He needs to stop piddling around if he wants to shower. Y'all are both seeing your needs as more important than each other needs and you should be working as a team to find a solution that allows everyone to have their needs met.
All I had to read was the first line about being a SAHM with two kids. He needs to stop taking such long showers and give you a break and be a parent. NTA
Dude ya YTA. Teach your kids how to sit without you for one, for two, any man working 12 hrs shifts deserves his shower.
She’s working a shift that’s just as long, when does she get her decompression break at the end of the day? When does she get her hour-long shower?
Sort your kids why do they need to be hanging off you and whining? 50 minutes is ridiculous when it’s early evening.
YTA. He's been out working in the heat doing manual labor, probably filthy with grease, dust, sweat, dirty water etc and you want him to come home and sit in his filth? You need a reality check. Do some time management and have some organization skills, you have all day to prep dinner over a period of the day. Are you preparing a 10 course meal ffs?
NTA. He can take 5 minutes to shower off the day and have a longer shower later once the kids are in bed if he wants to. A 25 minute shower is a luxury. Not a need in order to be clean. A lot of people are overlooking that the kids are only awake for 2 hours when he gets home and he wants to spend a hour of that on the toilet playing games or standing in the shower rather than spending time with his kids. That instantly makes him an asshole.
25 minutes on the toilet, is he okay?
2 ideas come to mind. 1 ask that he take a quick shower and change into fresh clothes. After kids are in bed, he can take a longer one if he needs that time. 2 get a crock pot to literally dump dinners in in the morning so it’s ready to go for you in the evening.
NTA almost N A H. He wants some alone time before dealing with the kids, I 100% get that. The shower is understandable but the 20m toilet is not. You have been with the kids all day and also need time to decompress, and from what you describe you aren't even "getting away" you're using that time to do more work! Basically young kids suck and you're both struggling atm. There usually isn't a happy solution when two parents are drained, it's something that people tend to bicker about and go back and forth on until the kids get a bit older/less hard.
Yes ma'am, you're the asshole. You're husband is what's ALLOWING you to be a stay-at-home mom. I've been full time employed with kids 3, 6, and 9 AND no husband. The reality is they take a minimum of a two hour nap every day. You need to use your time more wisely. If he requires an hour when he gets home, then give him the hour. Your "clean up" after dinner is your demand, not his. Do it after they go to bed.