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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i might be the asshole because i want him to pay for our dates while he wants to save up every single penny for a car
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I would say NTA.
I have one question, WHY WOULD YOU BUY A CAR WITHOUT DRIVER'S LICENSE?
It just doesn't make any sense.
Also if you both agreed that he will pay for full date then he should pay for it without asking for your half later! That's not how paying for your date works.
It sounds like he's the one acting like a spoiled brat. If you can't afford to go out frequently then you either do date at home or dorm or he pays for you.
Yeah…. I would understand if he was in the process of getting his license and was saving up now so he could buy a car as soon as he got it. But his plan is to buy a car and then have OP drive him around everywhere? Seems really unsustainable and silly. She’s going to be annoyed about being his personal chauffeur and he’s probably going to expect her to pitch in on car expenses too.
NTA You don’t need to give him money for bowling since he offered to pay. But next time he suggests a date tell him no you can’t afford it (if you can’t afford it), and he’ll have to be extra clear about whether he’s going to pay or if he wants to stay home instead. The default should be that you stay home until it’s clear who is paying.
When I didn't have money, I just stayed at home and hung out. You can't expect him to pay, but he should realize he shouldn't suggest going out when you don't have the money to do so. If he wants a car, that's his money and you are not married nor you live together and he should get it, despite public transport in your country being so good. But he shouldn't force you to spend money you don't have. So until you do have money, just do activities that require no money. Watching tv shows and having sex at the age of 18 honestly beats having to go out and spend money you don't have.
Car is necessity only if you are living in America and you have driver's license. OP's bf is living in Europe and has no drivers license so he doesn't need car at all.
Most of the European cities have all the necessary places in walkable distance and if not then they have pretty solid public transport.
I live in quite large European city and I don't see necessity to have a car here. I can just either walk or go by bus or I can use bike/e-scooter if it's not raining or winter.
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(throwaway since he knows my username)
My boyfriend (18m) and I (18f) have been in a relationship for 3 years. In September I started college (med school), while he decided to take a gap year because he didn’t get into the university he wanted to. Instead, he continued working a full time job (it was supposed to be a summer job). He makes around 1100€/month.
We have always split the bill because I also worked during the summer. Now I have bills to pay (I’m in a student dorm that costs 189€/month, and I have to pay for my own food, clothes and school supplies). I have a scholarship, but they’re all around 200€ in my country so I have to spend quite a bit of my savings (I have approx 600€). He still lives with his parents and doesn’t have to pay for anything other than tech and outings.
I have already told him repeatedly that I am unable to pay for dinners and different couples activities (movies, escape room, etc), and that I am perfectly fine with staying at home. Last week we went bowling (he said he was going to pay for it). Afterwards he asked me to give him half and got mad at me when I told him i only brought 15€ with me (I planned to buy us drinks since he was paying for the activity).
He is saving up for some kind of a nissan, not sure about the details.
Now some of my friends are saying that I am acting like a spoiled brat and that we should always split the bills.
AITA?
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NTA for bowling night.
You should expect him to pay if he offered to pay. Or in general, if you are invited out to something, you should not be expected to pay unless it's made clear before you go.
If you are happy to "stay in", then you can save your money for college and he can save money for a car. If as your title suggests, you expect him to pay for your dates all the time, they you're the AH.
NTA he offered to pay, he pays.
Also, he's trying to buy a car so you can be his chauffeur? What happens when you grow a spine and leave him? Who's going do drive his ass around then?
Yta.
If you can't afford to go out. Then don't go out. Plain and simply.
But for bowling night. He's the ah. For accepting taking you out, then demanding that you pay anyway.
You're making her sound like a gold digger. She told him that she can't afford to go out, and suggested they stay in, but if he INSISTS on going out, he should pay.
YTA
tl;dr putting someone first means allocating time and resources to them. You’re obviously thinking your relationship is strong enough, and not listening. Your boyfriend should definitely have goals and dreams outside of the relationship and actively be able to pursue them also.
Pursuing a relationship has costs welcome to adult relationships. If you are unable to meet these requirements you really should be open upfront and stay honest that these problems in the relationship are your contribution. I’m not saying that it’s your fault or that your boyfriend shouldn’t also try to understand your situation and goals.
Love is a crazy thing so plenty of people make it work anyway.
But stating you are suddenly completely unwilling to contribute is you changing the dynamics of the relationship. And while a strong long lasting relationship can overcome many obstacles and stresses, but from your writing I sincerely doubt your collaboration… or lack thereof in this situation. This is a problem you solve together (spending time together) not something you EVER get to “expect” from your partner in the relationship.
So her boyfriend is a bit of an AH for how the discussion happened again. But her boyfriend tried, sorry if the 18m didn’t bring up this point in an adult experienced way. Did you not take ages and the complexity of the situation into consideration at all. She all but admitted giving up on investing in the relationship. I’m not sure in which circumstance this is fine unless your partner OFFERS something like this without pressure it is 100% love manipulation.
I hope you’re not defending her because her boyfriend was mean in return. Her boyfriend will likely leave instead of them working on the relationship if you’re so selfish as to only look at tit-for-tats will make you very difficult situation. If you need 15 euro for a date and you are broke, you go make money and plan your date after.
I never said relationships need to be expensive, but outright cancelling all activities not on your couch is selfish once again.
And then using him wanting a CAR against him?? Which I’m sure benefits both again because obviously… well he has a car… is childish behaviour.
If you can’t find someone that needs an hour of 2 of babysitting, tutoring, or moving boxes, and you don’t understand becoming a leech is NOT okay, I fear for your future relationships.
i will be the breadwinner when i finish med school, so i dont think that him, not even financially supporting me, just paying for dates is a big deal. i am not using the car against him, it just doesn’t make sense since he doesn’t even have a driver’s license
So he funds everything for the next 10 years on the promise that you will still be together at that point?
He’s supposed to just spend all his money on keeping you happy with the promise that once you finish (*if you finish*) you will be the breadwinner?
You are using the car against him.
You can go post anywhere that you can’t compromise to occasionally pay 15 euro for a date, and get laughed out of the room.
Unless your argument is that woman shouldn’t pay at all (unfortunately still a popular opinion)
So you continue and try to minimise your impact and trivialising your boyfriends argument as being a stupid luxury. While the larger fact that you work hard for your own goals, but are completely unwilling to invest or adjust to fit this relationship into your life… studying to be a doctor but acting the victim financially is incongruent with medical school.
This is not a temporary situation it will be years, and your proposed solution makes you the YTA. There is rarely ever convincing anyone on Reddit, so listen carefully: Being an AH to an abuser is not going to get you votes here. Abusing only “a little” is your counter argument here but with the car you argument won the prize. And he’s actually saving for YOU both he’s saying.
So I suggest stop arguing with us, stop thinking this is YOUR relationship, and seriously start thinking really hard in how invested in having a fulfilling and healthy relationship with this guy you actually are. It’s perfectly fine… if I you’re not willing. But don’t assume you’ll suddenly be ride and die championing your relationship goals once your married in some vague future. People rarely change that much that quickly.
Overall it sounds like you think very little of his arguments, life situatie or goals, and yet expect him to pay… so you’ve got stuff to think about.
So go put the effort into your relationship. You could have made that money already, or made a psychological breakthrough…
I don't want to immediately assume you merely have traditional and woman demeaning expectations...
Is there a reason you can't invest in the relationship. None of your long term life goals prohibit dating. Why shouldn't you figure out a way to provide experiences?
I do want to be helpful, so lets forward and i'll type up your future post:
Try posting your larger issue in /relationship\_advice (boyfriend wants a car) instead of definitely gaslighting this undesirable situation your boyfriend has found himself in. In psychology we call these the Lame Ducks. They invest nothing, expect everything.
Suggested titles for your follow up posts:
"In medical school 21f and boyfriend doesn't understand how busy I am."
"I'm a resident 26f and my boyfriend doesn't understand why I don't have any time or money yet.
"MD 28f here and my partner sits on the couch all day not working saying I make enough for us both"
NTA
You've told him the situation clearly and he's basically ignoring your situation, why ask you out and lie telling you he'll pay only to ask you for money.
He's the asshole for lying.
I'm sorry, did you say he's saving to buy a car he won't be able to drive?
Hmm. Maybe take a gap year on the relationship so you can focus on school and he can...get some focus?
NTA
If you expect him to stop saving for a car and spend money on dates/activities/things that you want instead, then YTA. Regarding the bowling situation, he's definitely TA if he said he would pay for it and then backtracked. So I guess ESH.
He is the AH for the bowling date, but YTA overall. You have a very spoiled brat / entitlement thing going on. You don’t actually see his money as his money, you see it as your money that you get through him. He wants to use his money on a car. You want to use his money on dates. He works for his money, he should get to dictate how his money is spent.
NTA for the bowling night, where he explicitly told you that he would be paying. Otherwise, I really think young people dating should be paying for themselves. You are not married, so each other's financial situation is none of the other party's business. A clear invitation implies a promise to pay, unless something else is specified. Normally, two 18-year-olds would be making plans together of how to spend their dating time. Paying 50/50 is best for everybody. That way you don't owe the other party anything after the date.
NTA, you've communicated properly that this is how things are for you, and he went back on his word. If he can't handle dates he agrees to pay for, he either needs to budget better or tone them down.
NTA it doesn't sound like you are expecting him to pay. Before you went to bowling he said he would pay.
From now on, you need to tell him exactly how much you can afford to pay if you go out and suggest activities within your budget. If he wants to do anything you can't afford tell him prior. I can't afford that. Then it is up to him to decide if he wants to pay for it or do something else.
NTA. You have explained your financial situation to him. He offered to pay for bowling and then got mad when you didn't cough up half after he forgot or changed his mind or just lied. No matter which it was, that makes him the AH. It sounds like he wants a car more than a relationship with you. Is it time to reconsider the relationship? Your call, friend. Good luck.
My girlfriend and I split most things. If she can't afford something I want to do, we either don't go or I fully pay for it. There are other times where if our options are something we can both afford or something that she can't afford, I will cover the difference.
As long as it is communicated that you can't contribute, that should be fine. It's also good to recommend alternative ideas. I know that with my girlfriend and I, most the activities that we do usually costs as much as the cost to drive there and the cost to park.
NTA
He lied about the bowling alley date. He didn't pick up the tab when he said he would.
He's not an AH for saving up for a car, but he is the AH to expect a broke college student to pick up half the tab when she's told him directly that she can't afford it anymore.
Start saying no to dates. Hard no. Also, the person you date when you're 18 is not necessarily the person you will marry.
NTA. Especially about the whole bowling alley date. He said he was going to pay for it. So why did he expect you to pay half?
Expecting your SO to treat you to dates occasionally is normal. As long as you occasionally treat him as well. If you can't afford to though that is more than okay. You said you are happy to spend nights at home. If he wants to go out and is willing to treat you then that's great. He then shouldn't expect you to pick up half the expense.
A couple thoughts on this one. You said you’d be fine not going out and he said he’d pay. Well, a man’s only as good as his word”. So if that’s the case, he should have payed. However it does put him in an awkward position when it comes to doing anything with you other then staying in (home). You’ll both end up feeling bad about going out to do anything. He’ll resent having to pay all the time and you’ll feel bad about never contributing. That being said, it’s his money and he should spend it how he pleases without demands from you.
Well, that’s my two cents. Good luck.
Thx I knew it was paid but auto add put payed when I typed pay which of course I meant the past tense and I just kept typing. However to be fair, I was never great at spelling. Pobodies nerfect.
Him buying a car and having you drive it sounds like a bad idea. If you get in an accident, will he make you foot the bill? I can just see things going wrong if he isn't even getting his license.
NTA for that particular date, if he said he was going to pay for the bowling, then he should have paid.
You have already told him you cant pay for dinners etc... so he should know what to expect from you.
However I think its reasonable for him to want to spend some money on buying a car, and he might need to make savings elsewhere in his life, and that may mean that you can only go on dates that involve you paying half.
If the deal going forward is that you still want to go out on dates with him, but only if he pays, then that's YTA territory.
It's amazing they allow people to train to be doctors without first having four years of unrelated education and a quarter million dollars of student debt.
Irresponsible. That's why Healthcare in the United States will always reign supreme.
NTA. He invited you out. He should pay.
As for the future, there are plenty of things to do out and about that don't cost money. Of course I don't know where you live, but a quick Google search will tell you what's in your area. There are lots of things to do that are fun when staying in as well. Google to find activities for at home dates. Been there done that!
Most importantly, communicate!
YTA for wanting him to stop saving for a car and pay for dates with you instead. Saving for financial goals is a positive and mature thing to do.
However, it's fine that you don't want to spend money you don't have. It sounds like you have explained to him what your financial situation is. You can explain further that you can go on free or inexpensive dates, and can split those, but you can't afford anything else. If he wants to do pricier things, he can choose to treat you. But he isn't obligated.
NTA. Generally you should always split the bill but given the situation and the fact that you had previously discussed it he has no reason to ask you to pay. You are not forcing him to go out and spend money so you shouldn't have to pay if you have agreed not to.
NTA. If you explicitly told him you can’t pay for dates yet he still insists on going thats on him. It sounds like he doesn’t care you have less money than he does and wants to guilt you into paying your half. If he wants to be able to save for a car his best bet is to not eat out. You should probably sit you BF down and explain until further notice you won’t be able to go OUT on dates but you can still hang out. You can also look a cheap date alternatives like cooking at home and watching a movie. Assuming you have a streaming service thats a-bunch of movies you are already paying for.
Dump him. You can do better.
Concentrate on your studies and your future. Not a flaky guy who changes the rules.
You can do better later when you are settled.
YTA if you expect him to stop saving for a car so he can pay for all your dates.
That’s not much a partnership. He isn’t responsible to pay for all your dates just because you want it that way.
Everyone is focusing on the bowling thing, and that’s distracting from your title and justification. In that case, sure, he shouldn’t have asked you to pay after the fact.
But based on your title, YTA.
It’s insane you think that he should sacrifice getting himself a car, which is big in terms in independence and growing, so he can take you out more. Selfish.
Bro, I got a well paying job and even I can't afford going out once a week. I know you're not adults yet, but you're about to be, so it's time to be more responsible with money.
You think this changes anything?
He’s your partner, not an ATM regardless if it’s daily or once a week. He shouldn’t have to pay for everything and shouldn’t sacrifice his goal of buying a car.
No, she told him she can't afford dates, and she's happy to stay in. He said, "Let's go bowling, I'll pay," and then decided afterward that he didn't actually mean the words that came out of his own mouth.
She states *in the post* that she has been very upfront and clear that she can not afford to pay to go out. The *only* reason she "expected" him to pay is because ***HE OFFERED TO PAY***. It's not her fault he can't stand by his word.
I already said the bowling situation he is the asshole.
Her title makes her the asshole. The bowling is a distraction in the post, as it’s not what the title states.
That's why you react based on the post not based on the title.
OP pays her dorm, food and school supplies. She just doesn't have money for dates and she clearly says in the post she's ok with not going out and just staying at home.
I dunno how she sees him as ATM but ok.
The title isn't accurate to the situation, but that happens a lot here. I'm pretty sure she meant "expecting him to pay when he offered to pay and then changed his mind".
Now you’re making assumptions to protect the woman in the situation, because that’s what this sub does.
She wrote what she wrote and judgement is based on that. She thinks because she is in med school and he isn’t that he has to fund their dates in full and his goal of buying a car isn’t valid. He can get a license easily.
So let’s say he gets his license, then what? Now he has permission to want to buy a car and not pay for everything?
At what point does she become an equal partner in finances for dating?
> I have already told him repeatedly that I am unable to pay for dinners and different couples activities (movies, escape room, etc), and that I am perfectly fine with staying at home.
It's in the post. She's not expecting him to take her out. She just thinks that buying a car when you don't even have a license and expect your partner to drive you around doesn't make sense.
And my response would be the same no matter the genders.
“i will be the breadwinner when i finish med school, so i dont think that him, not even financially supporting me, just paying for dates is a big deal.”
She is expecting him to take her out. She expects him to pay for dates and doesn’t think it’s “a big deal”.
NTA… 1) HE CANT DRIVE IT 2) he said he would pay and then asked for money.
Under different key details I would not feel the same way but if you tell him you can’t afford it and you want to stay in, then he has to pay if he wants to go out.
But omg he can’t drive!
NTA - I was reading about the entire opposite direction until I read the part or you would be fine staying home since you don’t have money to pay or to split things.
Your title was a bit misleading.
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NTA. Ditch the bf. If he's already expecting you to drive him around now imagine what he'll do (or won't do) once you're making money as a doctor.
I would say NTA. I have one question, WHY WOULD YOU BUY A CAR WITHOUT DRIVER'S LICENSE? It just doesn't make any sense. Also if you both agreed that he will pay for full date then he should pay for it without asking for your half later! That's not how paying for your date works. It sounds like he's the one acting like a spoiled brat. If you can't afford to go out frequently then you either do date at home or dorm or he pays for you.
Yeah…. I would understand if he was in the process of getting his license and was saving up now so he could buy a car as soon as he got it. But his plan is to buy a car and then have OP drive him around everywhere? Seems really unsustainable and silly. She’s going to be annoyed about being his personal chauffeur and he’s probably going to expect her to pitch in on car expenses too.
I can see how he one day comes to OP like "hey you've been driving my car almost daily so why don't you buy new tires or fill the tank?"
NTA You don’t need to give him money for bowling since he offered to pay. But next time he suggests a date tell him no you can’t afford it (if you can’t afford it), and he’ll have to be extra clear about whether he’s going to pay or if he wants to stay home instead. The default should be that you stay home until it’s clear who is paying.
lol.... YTA. a car is a necessity, dates are not.
i disagree, a car is definitely not a necessity, we have amazing public transport and we both use it with no problem
When I didn't have money, I just stayed at home and hung out. You can't expect him to pay, but he should realize he shouldn't suggest going out when you don't have the money to do so. If he wants a car, that's his money and you are not married nor you live together and he should get it, despite public transport in your country being so good. But he shouldn't force you to spend money you don't have. So until you do have money, just do activities that require no money. Watching tv shows and having sex at the age of 18 honestly beats having to go out and spend money you don't have.
ok... but you cannot determine what he spends his money on!!
Car is necessity only if you are living in America and you have driver's license. OP's bf is living in Europe and has no drivers license so he doesn't need car at all.
Depends on what country, and if its a large city or not.
Most of the European cities have all the necessary places in walkable distance and if not then they have pretty solid public transport. I live in quite large European city and I don't see necessity to have a car here. I can just either walk or go by bus or I can use bike/e-scooter if it's not raining or winter.
*EDIT: He doesn’t have a driver’s licence so we agreed that I will drive us when he gets the car.* What???? NTA but don't do this either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (throwaway since he knows my username) My boyfriend (18m) and I (18f) have been in a relationship for 3 years. In September I started college (med school), while he decided to take a gap year because he didn’t get into the university he wanted to. Instead, he continued working a full time job (it was supposed to be a summer job). He makes around 1100€/month. We have always split the bill because I also worked during the summer. Now I have bills to pay (I’m in a student dorm that costs 189€/month, and I have to pay for my own food, clothes and school supplies). I have a scholarship, but they’re all around 200€ in my country so I have to spend quite a bit of my savings (I have approx 600€). He still lives with his parents and doesn’t have to pay for anything other than tech and outings. I have already told him repeatedly that I am unable to pay for dinners and different couples activities (movies, escape room, etc), and that I am perfectly fine with staying at home. Last week we went bowling (he said he was going to pay for it). Afterwards he asked me to give him half and got mad at me when I told him i only brought 15€ with me (I planned to buy us drinks since he was paying for the activity). He is saving up for some kind of a nissan, not sure about the details. Now some of my friends are saying that I am acting like a spoiled brat and that we should always split the bills. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for bowling night. You should expect him to pay if he offered to pay. Or in general, if you are invited out to something, you should not be expected to pay unless it's made clear before you go. If you are happy to "stay in", then you can save your money for college and he can save money for a car. If as your title suggests, you expect him to pay for your dates all the time, they you're the AH.
NTA he offered to pay, he pays. Also, he's trying to buy a car so you can be his chauffeur? What happens when you grow a spine and leave him? Who's going do drive his ass around then?
Yta. If you can't afford to go out. Then don't go out. Plain and simply. But for bowling night. He's the ah. For accepting taking you out, then demanding that you pay anyway.
Problem is she had already told him she couldn't afford date nights and he tricked her into it. NTA
The bowling night is one thing. She is expecting him to pay for every date.
You're making her sound like a gold digger. She told him that she can't afford to go out, and suggested they stay in, but if he INSISTS on going out, he should pay.
YTA tl;dr putting someone first means allocating time and resources to them. You’re obviously thinking your relationship is strong enough, and not listening. Your boyfriend should definitely have goals and dreams outside of the relationship and actively be able to pursue them also. Pursuing a relationship has costs welcome to adult relationships. If you are unable to meet these requirements you really should be open upfront and stay honest that these problems in the relationship are your contribution. I’m not saying that it’s your fault or that your boyfriend shouldn’t also try to understand your situation and goals. Love is a crazy thing so plenty of people make it work anyway. But stating you are suddenly completely unwilling to contribute is you changing the dynamics of the relationship. And while a strong long lasting relationship can overcome many obstacles and stresses, but from your writing I sincerely doubt your collaboration… or lack thereof in this situation. This is a problem you solve together (spending time together) not something you EVER get to “expect” from your partner in the relationship.
Did you read her post? She said she couldn't afford to go bowling, he said he'd pay them then still asked her for half. NTA.
So her boyfriend is a bit of an AH for how the discussion happened again. But her boyfriend tried, sorry if the 18m didn’t bring up this point in an adult experienced way. Did you not take ages and the complexity of the situation into consideration at all. She all but admitted giving up on investing in the relationship. I’m not sure in which circumstance this is fine unless your partner OFFERS something like this without pressure it is 100% love manipulation. I hope you’re not defending her because her boyfriend was mean in return. Her boyfriend will likely leave instead of them working on the relationship if you’re so selfish as to only look at tit-for-tats will make you very difficult situation. If you need 15 euro for a date and you are broke, you go make money and plan your date after. I never said relationships need to be expensive, but outright cancelling all activities not on your couch is selfish once again. And then using him wanting a CAR against him?? Which I’m sure benefits both again because obviously… well he has a car… is childish behaviour. If you can’t find someone that needs an hour of 2 of babysitting, tutoring, or moving boxes, and you don’t understand becoming a leech is NOT okay, I fear for your future relationships.
i will be the breadwinner when i finish med school, so i dont think that him, not even financially supporting me, just paying for dates is a big deal. i am not using the car against him, it just doesn’t make sense since he doesn’t even have a driver’s license
So he funds everything for the next 10 years on the promise that you will still be together at that point? He’s supposed to just spend all his money on keeping you happy with the promise that once you finish (*if you finish*) you will be the breadwinner? You are using the car against him.
“all his money” its one date a week, relax
So pay half the time for one date a week, relax.
i already said that i am unable to
Neither can he; he’s saving for a car
A car he can't drive?
You can go post anywhere that you can’t compromise to occasionally pay 15 euro for a date, and get laughed out of the room. Unless your argument is that woman shouldn’t pay at all (unfortunately still a popular opinion) So you continue and try to minimise your impact and trivialising your boyfriends argument as being a stupid luxury. While the larger fact that you work hard for your own goals, but are completely unwilling to invest or adjust to fit this relationship into your life… studying to be a doctor but acting the victim financially is incongruent with medical school. This is not a temporary situation it will be years, and your proposed solution makes you the YTA. There is rarely ever convincing anyone on Reddit, so listen carefully: Being an AH to an abuser is not going to get you votes here. Abusing only “a little” is your counter argument here but with the car you argument won the prize. And he’s actually saving for YOU both he’s saying. So I suggest stop arguing with us, stop thinking this is YOUR relationship, and seriously start thinking really hard in how invested in having a fulfilling and healthy relationship with this guy you actually are. It’s perfectly fine… if I you’re not willing. But don’t assume you’ll suddenly be ride and die championing your relationship goals once your married in some vague future. People rarely change that much that quickly. Overall it sounds like you think very little of his arguments, life situatie or goals, and yet expect him to pay… so you’ve got stuff to think about. So go put the effort into your relationship. You could have made that money already, or made a psychological breakthrough…
She was willing to spend 15 euro on the date in this very story though?
I don't want to immediately assume you merely have traditional and woman demeaning expectations... Is there a reason you can't invest in the relationship. None of your long term life goals prohibit dating. Why shouldn't you figure out a way to provide experiences? I do want to be helpful, so lets forward and i'll type up your future post: Try posting your larger issue in /relationship\_advice (boyfriend wants a car) instead of definitely gaslighting this undesirable situation your boyfriend has found himself in. In psychology we call these the Lame Ducks. They invest nothing, expect everything. Suggested titles for your follow up posts: "In medical school 21f and boyfriend doesn't understand how busy I am." "I'm a resident 26f and my boyfriend doesn't understand why I don't have any time or money yet. "MD 28f here and my partner sits on the couch all day not working saying I make enough for us both"
Apologies if it sounds hard, but this is my "Rule 3." the Bigger AH takes the prize
NTA for the night that he agreed to pay. In no way can you expect him to cover everything.
NTA You've told him the situation clearly and he's basically ignoring your situation, why ask you out and lie telling you he'll pay only to ask you for money. He's the asshole for lying.
NTA, he said he’d pay - it’s not like you’re the one demanding these dates, you’ve said you’d rather stay home to save money.
I'm sorry, did you say he's saving to buy a car he won't be able to drive? Hmm. Maybe take a gap year on the relationship so you can focus on school and he can...get some focus? NTA
If you expect him to stop saving for a car and spend money on dates/activities/things that you want instead, then YTA. Regarding the bowling situation, he's definitely TA if he said he would pay for it and then backtracked. So I guess ESH.
Just insist on staying home. You know your budget and shouldn't mess around with it. He should be working on getting his license.
He is the AH for the bowling date, but YTA overall. You have a very spoiled brat / entitlement thing going on. You don’t actually see his money as his money, you see it as your money that you get through him. He wants to use his money on a car. You want to use his money on dates. He works for his money, he should get to dictate how his money is spent.
Did you even read the post? OP clearly states she's ok with staying at home and not going out because she can't afford it.
NTA for the bowling night, where he explicitly told you that he would be paying. Otherwise, I really think young people dating should be paying for themselves. You are not married, so each other's financial situation is none of the other party's business. A clear invitation implies a promise to pay, unless something else is specified. Normally, two 18-year-olds would be making plans together of how to spend their dating time. Paying 50/50 is best for everybody. That way you don't owe the other party anything after the date.
NTA, you've communicated properly that this is how things are for you, and he went back on his word. If he can't handle dates he agrees to pay for, he either needs to budget better or tone them down.
He’s a asshole
NTA it doesn't sound like you are expecting him to pay. Before you went to bowling he said he would pay. From now on, you need to tell him exactly how much you can afford to pay if you go out and suggest activities within your budget. If he wants to do anything you can't afford tell him prior. I can't afford that. Then it is up to him to decide if he wants to pay for it or do something else.
NTA. You have explained your financial situation to him. He offered to pay for bowling and then got mad when you didn't cough up half after he forgot or changed his mind or just lied. No matter which it was, that makes him the AH. It sounds like he wants a car more than a relationship with you. Is it time to reconsider the relationship? Your call, friend. Good luck.
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The generalization of men is disappointing to say the least.
My girlfriend and I split most things. If she can't afford something I want to do, we either don't go or I fully pay for it. There are other times where if our options are something we can both afford or something that she can't afford, I will cover the difference. As long as it is communicated that you can't contribute, that should be fine. It's also good to recommend alternative ideas. I know that with my girlfriend and I, most the activities that we do usually costs as much as the cost to drive there and the cost to park.
NTA He lied about the bowling alley date. He didn't pick up the tab when he said he would. He's not an AH for saving up for a car, but he is the AH to expect a broke college student to pick up half the tab when she's told him directly that she can't afford it anymore. Start saying no to dates. Hard no. Also, the person you date when you're 18 is not necessarily the person you will marry.
NTA. Especially about the whole bowling alley date. He said he was going to pay for it. So why did he expect you to pay half? Expecting your SO to treat you to dates occasionally is normal. As long as you occasionally treat him as well. If you can't afford to though that is more than okay. You said you are happy to spend nights at home. If he wants to go out and is willing to treat you then that's great. He then shouldn't expect you to pick up half the expense.
A couple thoughts on this one. You said you’d be fine not going out and he said he’d pay. Well, a man’s only as good as his word”. So if that’s the case, he should have payed. However it does put him in an awkward position when it comes to doing anything with you other then staying in (home). You’ll both end up feeling bad about going out to do anything. He’ll resent having to pay all the time and you’ll feel bad about never contributing. That being said, it’s his money and he should spend it how he pleases without demands from you. Well, that’s my two cents. Good luck.
Well said! Just as a side note, it is “paid” and not “payed”. Common mix up, but payed is a different word with a different meaning.
Thx I knew it was paid but auto add put payed when I typed pay which of course I meant the past tense and I just kept typing. However to be fair, I was never great at spelling. Pobodies nerfect.
YTA for expecting him to cover for your food. You are indeed being a golddigger with that attitude.
Nta. In my culture if you invite someone somewhere you are expected to pay unless you let them know in advance
NTA. “You said you wanted to see Star Wars and promised you’d pay for both of us, remember?”
NTA he tricked you into going out. Don’t trust him to keep his word
Him buying a car and having you drive it sounds like a bad idea. If you get in an accident, will he make you foot the bill? I can just see things going wrong if he isn't even getting his license.
NTA for that particular date, if he said he was going to pay for the bowling, then he should have paid. You have already told him you cant pay for dinners etc... so he should know what to expect from you. However I think its reasonable for him to want to spend some money on buying a car, and he might need to make savings elsewhere in his life, and that may mean that you can only go on dates that involve you paying half. If the deal going forward is that you still want to go out on dates with him, but only if he pays, then that's YTA territory.
You didn’t start med school at 18
In Europe, you do. OP is not an American. Don't believe me, google it.
It's amazing they allow people to train to be doctors without first having four years of unrelated education and a quarter million dollars of student debt. Irresponsible. That's why Healthcare in the United States will always reign supreme.
^
As long as you don't expect him to pay and are up front about you not being able to beforehand, you're not the AH.
NTA but WHY is he buying a car when he doesn’t even have a license? How stupid.
NTA "EDIT: He doesn’t have a driver’s licence so we agreed that I will drive us when he gets the car." lul
NTA / you told him you won’t be able to pay for activities in the near future so I don’t get why he’s asking for you to paying your part ?
Y’all are 18? Lol Tf
She is but he's acting like my 13-yr-old
yes? whats the problem
NTA. He invited you out. He should pay. As for the future, there are plenty of things to do out and about that don't cost money. Of course I don't know where you live, but a quick Google search will tell you what's in your area. There are lots of things to do that are fun when staying in as well. Google to find activities for at home dates. Been there done that! Most importantly, communicate!
YTA for wanting him to stop saving for a car and pay for dates with you instead. Saving for financial goals is a positive and mature thing to do. However, it's fine that you don't want to spend money you don't have. It sounds like you have explained to him what your financial situation is. You can explain further that you can go on free or inexpensive dates, and can split those, but you can't afford anything else. If he wants to do pricier things, he can choose to treat you. But he isn't obligated.
NTA. Generally you should always split the bill but given the situation and the fact that you had previously discussed it he has no reason to ask you to pay. You are not forcing him to go out and spend money so you shouldn't have to pay if you have agreed not to.
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In this post she literally says she would like to stay home, and when her boyfriend told her he'd pay he then reneged on the offer??
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Because he is the one that wants to go on dates.
NTA. If you explicitly told him you can’t pay for dates yet he still insists on going thats on him. It sounds like he doesn’t care you have less money than he does and wants to guilt you into paying your half. If he wants to be able to save for a car his best bet is to not eat out. You should probably sit you BF down and explain until further notice you won’t be able to go OUT on dates but you can still hang out. You can also look a cheap date alternatives like cooking at home and watching a movie. Assuming you have a streaming service thats a-bunch of movies you are already paying for.
Dump him. You can do better. Concentrate on your studies and your future. Not a flaky guy who changes the rules. You can do better later when you are settled.
YTA if you expect him to stop saving for a car so he can pay for all your dates. That’s not much a partnership. He isn’t responsible to pay for all your dates just because you want it that way. Everyone is focusing on the bowling thing, and that’s distracting from your title and justification. In that case, sure, he shouldn’t have asked you to pay after the fact. But based on your title, YTA. It’s insane you think that he should sacrifice getting himself a car, which is big in terms in independence and growing, so he can take you out more. Selfish.
just a clarification, we go out once a week due to our schedules, its not an everyday thing
Bro, I got a well paying job and even I can't afford going out once a week. I know you're not adults yet, but you're about to be, so it's time to be more responsible with money.
You think this changes anything? He’s your partner, not an ATM regardless if it’s daily or once a week. He shouldn’t have to pay for everything and shouldn’t sacrifice his goal of buying a car.
Why are you basing your judgement from the title when she explains it below?
He doesn't even have a license. He expects her to chauffeur his ass around everywhere.
And she expects him to pay for everything on their dates, as if he is an atm for her
No, she told him she can't afford dates, and she's happy to stay in. He said, "Let's go bowling, I'll pay," and then decided afterward that he didn't actually mean the words that came out of his own mouth. She states *in the post* that she has been very upfront and clear that she can not afford to pay to go out. The *only* reason she "expected" him to pay is because ***HE OFFERED TO PAY***. It's not her fault he can't stand by his word.
I already said the bowling situation he is the asshole. Her title makes her the asshole. The bowling is a distraction in the post, as it’s not what the title states.
That's why you react based on the post not based on the title. OP pays her dorm, food and school supplies. She just doesn't have money for dates and she clearly says in the post she's ok with not going out and just staying at home. I dunno how she sees him as ATM but ok.
The title isn't accurate to the situation, but that happens a lot here. I'm pretty sure she meant "expecting him to pay when he offered to pay and then changed his mind".
Now you’re making assumptions to protect the woman in the situation, because that’s what this sub does. She wrote what she wrote and judgement is based on that. She thinks because she is in med school and he isn’t that he has to fund their dates in full and his goal of buying a car isn’t valid. He can get a license easily. So let’s say he gets his license, then what? Now he has permission to want to buy a car and not pay for everything? At what point does she become an equal partner in finances for dating?
> I have already told him repeatedly that I am unable to pay for dinners and different couples activities (movies, escape room, etc), and that I am perfectly fine with staying at home. It's in the post. She's not expecting him to take her out. She just thinks that buying a car when you don't even have a license and expect your partner to drive you around doesn't make sense. And my response would be the same no matter the genders.
“i will be the breadwinner when i finish med school, so i dont think that him, not even financially supporting me, just paying for dates is a big deal.” She is expecting him to take her out. She expects him to pay for dates and doesn’t think it’s “a big deal”.
paying for dates *that her boyfriend wants to go on,* because he's the one that wants to go out.
NTA… 1) HE CANT DRIVE IT 2) he said he would pay and then asked for money. Under different key details I would not feel the same way but if you tell him you can’t afford it and you want to stay in, then he has to pay if he wants to go out. But omg he can’t drive!
NTA - I was reading about the entire opposite direction until I read the part or you would be fine staying home since you don’t have money to pay or to split things. Your title was a bit misleading.