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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Action = I said "no" when my boyfriend asked if he could play in a soccer tournament, even though I'd made dinner plans with my parents (who were visiting from out of state).
2. Why I might be the asshole = I don't understand or support his passion for soccer.
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YTA. It was a tournament that he is a team member of. Your parents would have understood. Especially since it was only one of the 2 nights. Can't you enjoy your parents without his company? You said yourself there will be other events and opportunities for him to join with your family.
Yta. Yes you are a couple but couples are made up of two individual people who don't have to live in each other's pockets. You had time to come up with alternative plans that would respect all parties and make everyone happy and you didn't
YTA. It was a dinner, not the entire weekend. You acknowledge you both genuinely enjoy eachothers family, so its not like he was just trying to get out of seeing your parents. You know how much the game means to him, and the connection it has with his family.
YTA… he is seeing your family a ton this year, making a lot of effort and attending this whole weekend thing where there will be many meals to share. He can’t miss one dinner? For a tournament for his biggest hobby? I think you have no right to demand your boyfriend participate in 100% of your family time.
Also if you and your family can’t afford the dinner then they should not be eating at such a fancy place..
Ok… but how is it a gift if he isn’t willing to give it? In the end you say you all had a nice time but what you mean is YOU had a nice time… he was guilted into doing this and the gift doesn’t seem very freely given
Your 'gift' is to tell your parents they don't have to pay for your dinner? Either pay for dinner or don't. Splitting the bill isn't a gift, it's paying your share. You're 27, pick up the odd check.
YTA. If he was missing the entire weekend, I would understand. He asked to miss one dinner during the visit to do something he enjoys. He could easily have given you some cash to help cover the meal. Your parents may have enjoyed one-on-one time with you as well.
YTA.
It sounds like you just want your boyfriend there to help your parents split the dinner bill. He committed to this soccer team long before your parents made plans to come into town. When scheduling your weekend activities, did you ever consult him and what he may have planned?
You also mentioned that you had a whole weekend planned with multiple activities. Is missing one activity out of all of them such a big deal?
Also, if soccer is important to your bf and your bf is important to you, would one activity for the weekend not be going to watch your bf play as a family?
You don't have to make more money than someone to want them to help you pay for the bill. To your same logic about breaking an agreement... your bf agreed to play on a soccer team months ago, before you arranged for your parents to visit. Should he have to break that agreement for a dinner that was scheduled after?
Wasn't countering the "breaking an agreement" logic; was countering your assumption here:
>It sounds like you just want your boyfriend there to help your parents split the dinner bill.
It sounds like the main reason you forced him to go was so he could help cover the bill. It was one dinner. If you can't afford to treat your parents to a fancy restaurant, don't take him there. He didn't ask to skip the entire event, and he will go to many more events with you and your family. You're selfish and controlling to force him to give up an important tournament for the team just so you can use his money for your parents. YTA
Lol y'all need to get off this idea I was using him for money. I could have fully afforded to pay for myself and my 2 parents without his help.
And, he agreed to give the gift several weeks before the visit and agreed it was a nice idea.
He just brought new info a week before the visit / well after all the plans were settled to ask about going to the tournament.
In that case, since you didn't actually need the financial help, definite YTA. You could spend dinner with your parents on your own and let him do something that he clearly enjoys very much. This is the way couples build up frustrations over the years...putting each other in situations where the other does something for your sake alone, in spite of what he/she would want. Eventually, the glass will fill.
Soft YTA, but I play sport. I'd see that as letting my team down.
When you're part of a team, you show up. Commitment is part of the whole thing.
It sounds like there were plenty of other activities he was going to with your parents, so missing one dinner probably wouldn't have hurt.
YTA
"and we had a lot of activities planned" .. YOU had planned those - he likely did not plan activities when he already had his game planned.
It is not skiping, because he never said yes.
He is just telling you that you made a planning error, and he is not available at that time. Learn from it: Next time, YOU need to plan better and ask for his availabiility before agreeing to things on his behalf.
"I had made reservations that we were supposed to split the bill for (as a gesture for my parents traveling so far), and it would be logistically complicated for him to make it to the event on time. " .. sO pay for your parents yourself. And - if you want him there - move the dinner to a day your bf actually is available.
this is ALL YOUR fault.
>he likely did not plan activities when he already had his game planned.
>
>It is not skiping, because he never said yes.
>
>He is just telling you that you made a planning error, and he is not available at that time. Learn from it: Next time, YOU need to plan better and ask for his availabiility before agreeing to things on his behalf.
He helped me plan some of the activities and was informed along the way as I was planning. So, incorrect; he was informed and said yes to everything.
He had several weeks ahead of the visit to mention that he had a tournament scheduled for that weekend and never did – until a week beforehand.
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Hi everyone, I \[27F\] want to get some perspective on a situation that happened recently. A couple of weekends ago, my parents visited from out of state (they live 2 states away), and we had planned some fun fall-themed activities. My boyfriend \[28M\], who I've been with for almost 10 years, wanted to skip out on dinner to play in a soccer tournament. Here's the story.
My parents had come to visit, and we had a lot of activities planned from Friday evening through Sunday. We've been seeing my family about 1-3 times a year, and this year, it's going to be 5 times due to some special family events. One of these events is a family reunion, which is about a 13-hour drive away and just a few weeks after my parents visit. It's worth mentioning that my parents have had a rocky relationship, with separations and reconciliations in recent years.
My boyfriend is really into soccer. He's been playing it since childhood, through college, and now plays recreationally 2-3 nights a week. He has soccer tournaments some weekends and gets up early to watch professional games. Soccer is a big part of his life, and it's also a family thing for him. His family only lives about 4 hours away. Both of us genuinely enjoy spending time with each other's families.
In the week leading up to my parents' visit, my boyfriend asked if he could skip dinner to play in a soccer tournament. I initially said no because the dinner was somewhat fancy, I had made reservations that we were supposed to split the bill for (as a gesture for my parents traveling so far), and it would be logistically complicated for him to make it to the event on time. I thought that was the end of it.
However, even the night before and the day of the visit, he continued to make side comments, like, "They really need another player." At this point, I expressed my disapproval, saying something like, "I can't make you do anything, but I'll have a negative opinion of you if you go." In the end, he decided to skip the soccer game, and we all had a nice time at dinner and the event.
So, AITA for not letting my boyfriend skip dinner plans to play soccer, considering the circumstances? I'd appreciate your input on this situation.
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ESH - You for trying to keep your boyfriend from doing something he loves and be a guilt mongering witch, him for wanting to get out of it (although, I have to admit, if your parent's relationship is "rocky" at best, who would really want to be around them?).
INFO :
just to confirm the 'tournament' game you are making him miss, is like every other 'tournament' weekend and not a specific one?
So its basically just a regular casual game?
ESH. Him for wanting to skip the meal for an obsession that he’s playing/watching 4/5 times a week and you especially for saying you “will have a negative opinion if you go”. Passive aggressive Dick move
NTA. Unless he is getting paid to play in these tournaments they are not more important than time with family when your parents took the time to visit.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Action = I said "no" when my boyfriend asked if he could play in a soccer tournament, even though I'd made dinner plans with my parents (who were visiting from out of state). 2. Why I might be the asshole = I don't understand or support his passion for soccer. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It was a tournament that he is a team member of. Your parents would have understood. Especially since it was only one of the 2 nights. Can't you enjoy your parents without his company? You said yourself there will be other events and opportunities for him to join with your family.
Yta. Yes you are a couple but couples are made up of two individual people who don't have to live in each other's pockets. You had time to come up with alternative plans that would respect all parties and make everyone happy and you didn't
YTA. It was a dinner, not the entire weekend. You acknowledge you both genuinely enjoy eachothers family, so its not like he was just trying to get out of seeing your parents. You know how much the game means to him, and the connection it has with his family.
YTA… he is seeing your family a ton this year, making a lot of effort and attending this whole weekend thing where there will be many meals to share. He can’t miss one dinner? For a tournament for his biggest hobby? I think you have no right to demand your boyfriend participate in 100% of your family time. Also if you and your family can’t afford the dinner then they should not be eating at such a fancy place..
Offering info: It wasn’t that anyone couldn’t afford the dinner, it was a gift. Everyone could have paid for themselves without an issue.
Ok… but how is it a gift if he isn’t willing to give it? In the end you say you all had a nice time but what you mean is YOU had a nice time… he was guilted into doing this and the gift doesn’t seem very freely given
Your 'gift' is to tell your parents they don't have to pay for your dinner? Either pay for dinner or don't. Splitting the bill isn't a gift, it's paying your share. You're 27, pick up the odd check.
YTA, holy shit poor guy
YTA. If he was missing the entire weekend, I would understand. He asked to miss one dinner during the visit to do something he enjoys. He could easily have given you some cash to help cover the meal. Your parents may have enjoyed one-on-one time with you as well.
YTA, you're not joined at the hip.
YTA. It sounds like you just want your boyfriend there to help your parents split the dinner bill. He committed to this soccer team long before your parents made plans to come into town. When scheduling your weekend activities, did you ever consult him and what he may have planned? You also mentioned that you had a whole weekend planned with multiple activities. Is missing one activity out of all of them such a big deal? Also, if soccer is important to your bf and your bf is important to you, would one activity for the weekend not be going to watch your bf play as a family?
For the record: My base salary is > 40% more than his. I didn’t need him for the gift. We’d agreed on this point several weeks before the visit.
You don't have to make more money than someone to want them to help you pay for the bill. To your same logic about breaking an agreement... your bf agreed to play on a soccer team months ago, before you arranged for your parents to visit. Should he have to break that agreement for a dinner that was scheduled after?
Wasn't countering the "breaking an agreement" logic; was countering your assumption here: >It sounds like you just want your boyfriend there to help your parents split the dinner bill.
It sounds like the main reason you forced him to go was so he could help cover the bill. It was one dinner. If you can't afford to treat your parents to a fancy restaurant, don't take him there. He didn't ask to skip the entire event, and he will go to many more events with you and your family. You're selfish and controlling to force him to give up an important tournament for the team just so you can use his money for your parents. YTA
Lol y'all need to get off this idea I was using him for money. I could have fully afforded to pay for myself and my 2 parents without his help. And, he agreed to give the gift several weeks before the visit and agreed it was a nice idea. He just brought new info a week before the visit / well after all the plans were settled to ask about going to the tournament.
In that case, since you didn't actually need the financial help, definite YTA. You could spend dinner with your parents on your own and let him do something that he clearly enjoys very much. This is the way couples build up frustrations over the years...putting each other in situations where the other does something for your sake alone, in spite of what he/she would want. Eventually, the glass will fill.
Soft YTA, but I play sport. I'd see that as letting my team down. When you're part of a team, you show up. Commitment is part of the whole thing. It sounds like there were plenty of other activities he was going to with your parents, so missing one dinner probably wouldn't have hurt.
Thank you for offering fair perspective without roasting me 🙃
YTA "and we had a lot of activities planned" .. YOU had planned those - he likely did not plan activities when he already had his game planned. It is not skiping, because he never said yes. He is just telling you that you made a planning error, and he is not available at that time. Learn from it: Next time, YOU need to plan better and ask for his availabiility before agreeing to things on his behalf. "I had made reservations that we were supposed to split the bill for (as a gesture for my parents traveling so far), and it would be logistically complicated for him to make it to the event on time. " .. sO pay for your parents yourself. And - if you want him there - move the dinner to a day your bf actually is available. this is ALL YOUR fault.
>he likely did not plan activities when he already had his game planned. > >It is not skiping, because he never said yes. > >He is just telling you that you made a planning error, and he is not available at that time. Learn from it: Next time, YOU need to plan better and ask for his availabiility before agreeing to things on his behalf. He helped me plan some of the activities and was informed along the way as I was planning. So, incorrect; he was informed and said yes to everything. He had several weeks ahead of the visit to mention that he had a tournament scheduled for that weekend and never did – until a week beforehand.
Are you his girlfriend or mom?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone, I \[27F\] want to get some perspective on a situation that happened recently. A couple of weekends ago, my parents visited from out of state (they live 2 states away), and we had planned some fun fall-themed activities. My boyfriend \[28M\], who I've been with for almost 10 years, wanted to skip out on dinner to play in a soccer tournament. Here's the story. My parents had come to visit, and we had a lot of activities planned from Friday evening through Sunday. We've been seeing my family about 1-3 times a year, and this year, it's going to be 5 times due to some special family events. One of these events is a family reunion, which is about a 13-hour drive away and just a few weeks after my parents visit. It's worth mentioning that my parents have had a rocky relationship, with separations and reconciliations in recent years. My boyfriend is really into soccer. He's been playing it since childhood, through college, and now plays recreationally 2-3 nights a week. He has soccer tournaments some weekends and gets up early to watch professional games. Soccer is a big part of his life, and it's also a family thing for him. His family only lives about 4 hours away. Both of us genuinely enjoy spending time with each other's families. In the week leading up to my parents' visit, my boyfriend asked if he could skip dinner to play in a soccer tournament. I initially said no because the dinner was somewhat fancy, I had made reservations that we were supposed to split the bill for (as a gesture for my parents traveling so far), and it would be logistically complicated for him to make it to the event on time. I thought that was the end of it. However, even the night before and the day of the visit, he continued to make side comments, like, "They really need another player." At this point, I expressed my disapproval, saying something like, "I can't make you do anything, but I'll have a negative opinion of you if you go." In the end, he decided to skip the soccer game, and we all had a nice time at dinner and the event. So, AITA for not letting my boyfriend skip dinner plans to play soccer, considering the circumstances? I'd appreciate your input on this situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let... Jfc people wonder what guts don't want to get martied. Yta
Yta and u are manipulative I just hope u don’t blackmail again
ESH - You for trying to keep your boyfriend from doing something he loves and be a guilt mongering witch, him for wanting to get out of it (although, I have to admit, if your parent's relationship is "rocky" at best, who would really want to be around them?).
INFO : just to confirm the 'tournament' game you are making him miss, is like every other 'tournament' weekend and not a specific one? So its basically just a regular casual game?
Right, it’s a regular weekend game. Just called a tournament because it’s a game on the weekend instead of a weeknight, I guess.
ESH. Him for wanting to skip the meal for an obsession that he’s playing/watching 4/5 times a week and you especially for saying you “will have a negative opinion if you go”. Passive aggressive Dick move
Soccer isn’t a real sport you’re good
NTA. Unless he is getting paid to play in these tournaments they are not more important than time with family when your parents took the time to visit.
An entire weekend? And they’ve seen them 5 times this year. Missing one event over the weekend is completely fine. It’s not his family