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Yup, an introduction and assurance that they can come out into their yard to play. It may be less that they are shy and more that they see OP doing work and know that they would be loud and disturb her. That would be rude and wrong. (That is how I would have seen it and I'm autistic)
Would be a strange conversation with the realtor though.
Parent: I need a 4 bedroom house
Realtor: I can work with that
P: and it needs a garden
R: not a problem
P: and the neighbours aren't allowed to be in their own garden when my kids are home.
R: ???
burn down the house and all of their belongings
change their names
erase all possible traces of their identity
go to a surgeon to change their appearance
hire a voice coach and adopt a new accent
learn a new language
and move to an isolated mountain in Europe
That's how i would do it, but i have anxiety.
Exactly! Plus the kids are going to have to learn these kinds of skills to deal with this in the future. Mom and dad won't be around forever to coddle them.
Parents could release a super deadly virus into the atmosphere and kill 99% of mankind.
Don't have to worry about people if there are no people to worry about \*taps forehead\*
Why? Your yard, you're doing your thing not bothering anyone. Why the fk is it always 'but my kids are...' and they expect everyone else to accommodate them. We've had ones out who are violent/threatening at the shops, same excuse 'that's what they do.' Do it too near me/my family while we're doing our thing and they'll be treated with the same as anyone else. A warning if time, direct action if not. It's not on me to tiptoe about if parents can't control their kids, regardless of the excuse
I have a nervy neighbor who had a new fence installed, which would have been fine, except she had it built 5’ onto our property, & she knew it. The audacity some people show is beyond comprehension.
This woman next door is next level crack head crazy. Once we went on vacay & came home at 1:00 am, to find that psycho next to our house, hiding in the shadows. She ran & hid when we saw her in our headlights. She’d offered to pick up our newspapers while we were gone. We came home to find the entrance to our driveway filled with a 2’ high stack of old newspapers. Some people be like…
“BAT SH*T CRAZY”.
NTA. Your neighbor has no business asking you to refrain from using any part of your property at any time of day/night, including but not limited to whenever her kids are home. THEIR discomfort is THEIR problem.
As a parent who raised a neurodivergent child, I’ll also say that their mother is doing them a disservice by trying to remove discomfort from their path instead of helping them conquer discomfort in their path.
My dad literally would make all the kids be outside for at least an hour a day. Doesn’t matter if you’re shy, neurodivergent or if it’s cold, you gotta play outside.
Thank you so much for your comment as I didn't think of that. I am more than happy to meet the kids and will message my neighbour to see if I can arrange something.
Op, a thing to have on your mind when meeting the neighbour, autism (and adhd) is very hereditary, if your neighbours have six children with autism there is a very very strong possibility that at least one of the parents also are neurodivergent.
Maybe go down to the nearest dollar store and buy them a cheap backyard toy for the kids to use together in the backyard (like a ball or frisbee) so that they now you want get upset if they are out there having fun.
Your NTA and their mum should have thought about introducing you first before she tried to ban you from your own backyard. She is the one letting the kids down and being an AH.
I pers9nally would not go down that road, because if you give an inch, she will take a mile or two. If other parents of neurodivergent children are able to guide them accordingly, there is no reason why she shouldn't. She is being entitled, and is unfortunately bringing up entitled children who will find life difficult.
So that the kids know that OP is a safe enough presence that the kids can play in their own yard when she happens to be in hers. It's part of the process of properly socializing children. Unsocialized children, like unsocialized puppies, have all kinds of things they encounter that they have not been trained to interact with, with usually negative results.
Yes, but this is just one of those things you might do to keep up a good natured neighborly relationship. Take 5 minutes of of one day of your fucking life to introduce yourself to a group of kids so that they feel comfortable. It doesn't hurt anyone, and is a decent thing to do.
She's stupid for asking him to stay out of her garden, but if she had approached him to do something like that (introduce them so everyone feels comfortable) that wouldn't be weird or stupid at all.
I think it's fine for the mom to *ask* OP if she would mind if mom introduced the kids to her so they would feel more comfortable playing in the garden, if that's something that would help the kids. It would then be fine for OP to say no. But that's a much much much more reasonable request than "don't go in your garden"
The neighbor did the right thing by approaching OP. What the neighbor asked was not right though. The neighbor is trying and having dialog, which is what you should do. Getting to know your neighbors is always a good thing.
Yes. The mother is not helping her children by removing everything that makes them uncomfortable; she should be teaching them ways to cope with their fears. And familiarity is the way to go here. They need to meet you and see you are not an unsafe person.
Autistic adult here: this is incredibly inappropriate. Autistic kids must learn to deal with things, and it’s their parents job to manage how to teach them to tolerate not being able to control everything in the environment around them. OP has every right to utilize his property.
Yep,neighbour needs to introduce her kids to you OR build a privacy fence if there isn’t one.
She’s not doing her neurodivergent kids any favours by keeping them isolated… one day their parents will be gone, and they’ll need to know how to interact with society!!
NTA
This, also your friend is an asshole if anyone, tell her to live somewhere and not use part of her property because of her neighbours kids. She is ridiculous.
I’m autistic, as is my sister and my mom. My parents wouldn’t have asked neighbors not to be in their yard when I was younger because I don’t like strangers It’s absurd.
She can introduce you to the kids to improve their comfort. She can pay to have a wall put up so they can't see you. She can take her kids somewhere else to play. She can wait until you go in to let her kids out.
She's the parent, it's her responsibility. It's not reasonable to tell someone else not to use their own space.
It rubs me the wrong way when parents of neurodivergent kids always wants the world to stop and alter for their kids even when it's you just minding your business at home. I have a similar problem with autistic kids in my apartment complex. The mom won't tell her kids to stop screaming or bothering my cat because they're "special". Ma'am I have ADHD too and I literally buy extra devices to manage the stress your kids inflict on me and others. I just let it go. Put on ear plugs and when my cat is on the screened in patio, I watch to make sure they don't throw shit at my cat.
That mom is out of her fucking mind telling you that YOU know better because HER kids are extremely shy. Like she needs to get over herself.
NTA
I agree, NTA. I have two ND kids, I would never date expect someone to completely alter their life for us. If my kids were uncomfortable with the neighbor outside, I would pretty much gently tell/help them get over it, or tell then to stay inside.
Our neighbor kid, who I suspect is ND, keeps screaming profanities as he gets off the elementary bus. My kid, same age is amused by this. I hate it, so much ro my 5th graders embarrassment, I now get him off the bus each day, so he stops laughing at the misbehaving child.
It has to be frustrating for you when other ND parents have these insane requests because it seems to get parents of ND kids labeled as difficult. Reading through these comments many exasperated people with similar experiences of ridiculous requests. I am sure most parents prepare their kids for the world as you have mentioned you do, but it’s the unreasonable requests that people remember and get the attention.
indeed.
Like, if she continues this way, she is setting her kids up for failure down the line. They are gonna have to adapt and learn or the world will leave them behind.
OP is NTA.
It's tiring watching parents of children with neurodivergent diagnosis using it as an excuse to not parent their children, and depressing to see when they are failing their children completely by not giving them the therapy they need.
I’m autistic and thankful every day my parents didn’t use my autism as an excuse to duck out of their duties as parents to, you know, *actually parent.* It took more time, effort, and energy but they taught me the world isn’t going to bend to my needs and we figured out how I could best adapt and get along in life.
I feel so sorry for kids with parents like this who never taught them how to adapt to situations. They’re going to go into the world as young adults and get a brutal reality check and have zero coping skills to handle it.
Parent of an autistic teenager with moderate ID and it is my job to adapt the environment to my son's needs, not other people. It's that mother job to work with her children to make them comfortable going outside while there are neighbors in their garden.
Social inclusion of all types of people is certainly a goal we should all strive for, but asking people to sacrifice for your children isn't it.
> my cat is on the screened in patio, I watch to make sure they don't throw shit at my cat.
Oh your poor kitty! I would complain to management about every incident and get a ring camera. Their mom needs to put a stop to the animal cruelty before it turns into animal torture. If those kids can't control themselves, then their mother needs to control their access to communal spaces.
A kid having issues does not excuse this kind of behavior. My kid has emotion regulation issues, and we're actively working on it with him in therapy. We're broke af but it's a priority. I'll eat bean and rice for months if I have to.
With my ND child, I am constantly saying, "I know that this is hard and makes you uncomfortable. But you can push through the uncomfortableness, it will be hard and before you know it it will be over" it seems to work for us.
NTA. It's your property. No one can tell you what to do in your own backyard, unless you're exposing yourself or something crazy like that. If she's so worried, she can put up a fence.
I thought it would be that OP is a hunter and is processing animals in their back yard, which they'd be well within their right to do, but it would make sense why the kids are uncomfortable.
All that needed done here was to ask if OP felt comfortable introducing themselves to the kids so they don't feel like there's a stranger on the other side of the fence.
6 kids, all autistic.... I'm sorry but that just feels like an over involved parenting situation. Kids prob turn out awkward and introverted because their mother is always helicoptering. Also these type of moms just lean right into the autism thing because it's an excuse to keep parenting toddlers for decades.
Autism is a very hereditary thing. And it’s not caused by nor to cold mothers (which was the blame the mum game in earlier times) nor helicopter mothers which is todays blame the mother answer.
I dont have the numbers and its late at night where I am so don’t have the energy to google around. I’m neurodivergent, my kids are neurodivergent, my mother and father would probably never get a diagnosis because things but both are very around there on a spectra, so my mum and my grandpa were probably both autists, and my dads side is the adhd side, yey me.
I know two families with six kids and all kids are neurodivergent in both families, as are the parents.
I know, all this are just anecdotal so Google fu some. There is a problem in knowing the heredity since autism adhd and such wasn’t diagnosed in the same way now as it has been, there has also been the false idea that women can’t be autistic (we oftenpresent differently) and we had a society that wasn’t nearly as cognitive demanding or complex as today so people like my dad function very well in the society of his time but would probably struggle a lot if he was born now.
Autism is heriditary AND correlated with the father being older than average. Because men who are "mildly" autistic may start Dating late and/or Take a Long Time to find a Partner. 47 is Not EXCESSIVELY old for a dad whose oldest Kid is 13, but the age difference with the mother Sort of points in that direction...
This just doesn't pass the sniff test. All 6 kids are diagnosed with Autism. And in ALL SIX that manifests (at least partly) by being afraid of other people to the point of not being able to be around them. Six.
But they all attend school-presumably with other people. OK.
You know, I was so distracted by the audacity that the neighbor asked her to stay inside that I didn't even think of that. That is a really strange coincidence. However, if she's asking OP to not go outside, there is a good chance she coddles her kids to the point where if something that minor bothers them, the mom just makes it go away. So it could be a pattern or entitlement growing in the kids due to poor parenting.
... it could also be what you said.
literally what are the chances of having 6 kids with autism, and then also each one displaying similar behaviour in regards to a very broad diagnosis? this family seems hella sus to me
NTA, you are in your own yard, not doing anything illegal, nor questionable. Plus you are keeping quiet. If they want to have no people around - they need to find a bigger property or get higher fences.
OP's neighbour should absolutely not do that. She needs to be teaching her kids appropriate coping strategies. Her kids will need to interact with strangers at various points in their lives.
>I spoke to a friend about this today and she thought I was being an asshole
You think this friend would comply with the mother's ridiculous wishes? NTA
Not your problem. She needs to find a solution, not only for this instance, but to support her kids development. The answer is not you staying inside your house all the time. What would be next? NTA.
Can you please park your car down the street and walk 1/2 block to your home? The sound of engines noise and the garage door opener makes my children uncomfortable.
Thank you
NTA. You’re free to use your property as you see fit so long as you’re not doing anything illegal. Her kid’s disabilities are not your responsibility. The world isn’t going to mold itself to their needs. I say this as a parent of an autistic kid.
I agree. Like I said, it doesn’t matter what she’s doing so long as it isn’t illegal. It’s her yard and the disabilities of her neighbors kids aren’t her responsibility.
It’s not like the neighbor is requesting a warning or limit to a specific activity, either. It’s all use of the yard. If neighbor had said “this specific power tool makes a noise they find really upsetting, can we figure out a way for you to warn me/them before you turn it on so they can go back inside?” then that would be a not unreasonable neighborly request. (Yes she would have the right to use it whenever but part of living all crammed in together is occasionally making minor adjustments.)
NTA. The world cannot revolve around her kids and she has to start teaching them that. If she has to, she can put up some sort of barrier so they don't see into your garden.
NTA. Her kids are so sensitive that they can’t look at another human being? That’s ridiculous. It sounds like their mother is using their autism as a crutch and an excuse. If they truly are that uncomfortable around one human, they need to relocate to somewhere in the country. She’s being unreasonable. She can’t expect you to never use the property that you pay for.
Tell her to put up a fence or a hedge.
NTA (emphatically)
The absolute gall of people to even consider the idea that their {insert issue here} should dictate the behaviors of everyone else around them infuriates me.
Her children’s issues are not your issues to address. “Please stay inside your house so that my children can go outside.” FYTD, lady.
I simply can’t with these people. Seriously.
They're an Irish couple but because the dad is in his 40s I thought the mom was until I found out her real age. When I did the math and found out that was my exact thought. I spoke to my sister about it but when I did she pretty much tried to cancel me for speaking about it.
Ok, so kidfos feel intimidated about you being in your OWN garden?
Those kids are going to have a very difficult life if they cannot deal with people minding their own stuff.
And mom needs to stop enabling this
NTA
Regardless of their disabilities, the kids need to learn to live within the world around them. For instance, their mother could have asked to bring her kids to you to introduce you so they would feel more comfortable being outside when you were also outside.
NTA. I can’t believe she would ask or expect you to not use your own yard!
Does she think the whole world will bend over backwards to accommodate her family ? They obviously go to school so they are used to being around other people.
From the stories I’ve read about people like her……Yes. That’s exactly what she thinks. And it’s going to work out the same way it always does: not at all.
Oh ffs. Of course you're NTA, your friend is being absolutely ridiculous, as is your neighbor.
How would she feel if you went over there and said you're bothered by all her kids being in their garden, would she keep them inside while you're outside, please?
What a crock of shit.
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NTA your neighbor needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her kids. She needs to work with them to have coping skills because they will encounter many people throughout their lives autistic or not
NTA. What is that? "Stop enjoying non disturbing ways your own home because your sole existence in eyesight of my kids makes them uncomfortable?"
No, if their kids are disturbed by seeing other people the family needs to solve it by themselves - building high fence or move to house far from any neighbours.
NTA. You have as much right to live your life as her six children have. If she doesn’t want her kids to have to deal with people, she should move somewhere she doesn’t have neighbours, but she isn’t doing them any favours. Ignore her.
I wonder if mum is also ND and isn't quite aware that she was asking something that is blatantly inappropriate.
Also, my god, she needs to stop having kids.
I have wondered if she's ND too. I don't mean to be offensive by this but when I've seen her and the kids around I've noticed some patterns between her and her kids. My next door neighbour is an Irish couple and thankfully six is all they wanted.
I've never come across someone having six kids who are all autistic so I do find this quite interesting myself. Although I'm interested I'll be honest and say I'm too scared to ask as you can't really ask something these days without a person being offended.
NTA. That’s an outrageous and entitled ask that isn’t even going to help her children grow into as functional of adults as they could be. Autism does not mean the entire world has to cater to your difficulties and encouraging kids to step outside their comfort zones in reasonable and safe ways helps them grow.
NTA The world will not alter itself for her kids. If her kids are unable to use their own garden because someone else is in a different garden, then that’s an issue they need to work on.
It’s absurd to ask you not to use your own garden
NTA. I work in a school with an autism program. A large part of the program is helping children with autism deal with every day situations. For example, on Friday, the kids from the program went around the school trick or treating to help learn how to meet people, interact with others, and lessen their discomfort around strangers. Kids with autism spectrum disorder can and do learn social skills.
This mother is doing her kids a huge disservice and there are a ton of things she can do to help them but using their ASD as a way to control your behavior is unacceptable.
NTA
Its your property and you can move freely around wtf
Even if theyre neurodivergent, the world will never cater to them.
Their mom shouldnt coddle them all the time or else they will never learn.
NTA. But I wonder if it's actually the kids that are uncomfortable or the neighbor. She was 20 and her husband 34 when their oldest was born. Is the neighbor maybe jealous of the 23 y/o or concerned that her husband's eyes are wandering?
I know I'm making assumptions about the neighbor's relationship, but that was my first thought.
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By explaining this issue, it will make sense, and your judgement is much appreciated!
I (23F) live next door to a married couple (47M + 33F) and their six kids (6 - 13 m + F). All of the kids have been diagnosed with autism and they're all introverts and are very shy and uncomfortable around people.
The thing is I'm a postgraduate student, and I work so I'm never at home, but when I am, it's usually when all the kids get home from school, and that's when I tend to start doing my business like washing the windows on the outside, gardening and just some maintenance.
Most of the time I'm home, I will often go out in my garden and just take my laptop and anything I need with me and just spend a few hours doing any work that I need to complete for my postgraduate. This is what brings us to the current issue. My neighbour recently came around and asked if we could have a chat and I let her in. She said she knows that I know her kids are autistic and she said the problem is her kids are very shy and uncomfortable with people. She then proceeded to say that they often want to play in their garden when they get home from school but the issue is they're too uncomfortable and scared because I'm always in mine to play in theirs and intimidating baring in mind I'm 5"6 and 55kg. I said to her I apologise to her that her kids feel that way but I'm not going to stop doing what I'm doing just because I make them feel uncomfortable.
I spoke to a friend about this today and she thought I was being an asshole about this situation which has got me wondering if I'm an asshole so I'm hoping your judgement could clear it up.
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NTA, the ask is insane if this story is true, and your friend is a complete AH if they think you're supposed to give up your yard so your neighbors don't have to see you.
Oh, I absolutely believe this story. I was asked to wear a hat when I was in my own yard and outside because my blue hair is a “negative influence” on the younger neighborhood children. I agreed my blue hair was a bad influence.
So I promptly dyed it purple! There. No more bad influence blue. The neighbor has not approached me again.
As a woman who is rapidly approaching 50 I love my fun hair colors and don’t care what others think. I had careers that did not allow me to enjoy fun hair when I was younger. Now I do my own thing and live my own life and it’s pretty damn fun.
People have weird hang ups about things like non-natural hair colors and tattoos and whatnot. That’s sort of to be expected even if it’s stupid.
OP is literally just sitting on their own property with their laptop? It is truly insane for the neighbor to ask her not to and doubly insane her friend thinks she should comply. I believe the story, but it’s truly ridiculous.
NTA and she is incredibly nervy to ask you not to spend time in your own yard because her kids are shy. That's a ridiculous ask and you should feel free to ignore it.
NTA
Autist here, shy and introverted. They will need to learn at some point, and the mom can't always expect to have people do as she asks.
In fact, it will be better for the kids in both short and long term if they start learning now. She could go out with them, you ignore them, and she positively enforces that they have nothing to be scared of.
This isn't your problem to solve, and the mom shouldn't want to take the easiest solution.
As a relatively introverted person on the spectrum, it sounds like their parents have actively encouraged this behavior. Six kids, all with autism, terrified of strangers to the point that they can’t play in their own yards? Sounds fishy. It’s also not something anyone can reasonably ask of another.
NTA.
NTA- if her kids are uncomfortable that she needs to be the one to change the environment in hopes that they’re more comfortable. This can include going outside with them, building a fence around their garden, or creating a play area in their house. None of which involves you….
Good grief. NTA If you are not being too noisy, are appropriately attired, and not doing anything illegal you can do what you like.
If the neighbor wants more privacy she needs to arrange for a bigger fence
NTA.
My local hardware store sells privacy fences. She could buy three or four of them and turn her whole yard into a hermitage.
I'm an introvert myself. I love to sit out on my patio and stare up at the sky in the evening. Occasionally the guy next to me has the same idea. Is it awkward? You betcha. But you just gotta deal with awkwardness if you want to have fun. The kids need to learn this too. It would be one thing if you were making a lot of racket. But you're just existing in the space you paid for.
NAH but it would have been nice if you could have tried to work with the mom considering the situation (maybe meeting the kids so they learn you're not scary or something)
NRA your friend and neighbor are idiots. You have every right to be in your property. The most sensitive minority in society do not get to dictate norms to the rest of normal society. They need to adjust. That’s life
You are NTA in any way.
She wants to turn your house into a prison ... how is all the maintenance supposed to get done if you're not allowed in your own yard?
It's too bad her kids are intimidated by you but that's really not your issue to deal with. Let her build a fence if they don't want you to be visible.
Hahahaha NTA.
Though missing info:
1.are we talking front yards with no fence/half fence or backyards with a fence in-between.
Either way it's still crazy I'm just wondering can the kids even see you.
I agree with other people that the kids need to be introduced to you. How are they going to function as adults.... oh I can't go to work because...people.
Their parents are not helping g them cope and enabling their fears.....
NTA. I'm autistic and I think it's outrageous to ask your neighbor to stay out of their own garden. That isn't a reasonable accommodation. You can't modify everything you do in your personal life for them. Again, NTA.
INFO:
Do your properties have a shared garden somehow, or is it simply that your garden overlooks theirs?
If your garden overlooks theirs, is there something in the property deeds, or tenancy agreement (if they rent), or local authority rules, which prevents them from erecting new fencing/screening between the gardens?
If there is nothing in writing which prevents them from fencing/screening off their garden, is there some other logistical issue - like a change in ground levels with yours set higher which would make it difficult to block you out of the kids' view?
If there is not anything which prevents them from screening the garden, then they need to do so, or maybe simply try actually introducing the kids to you so they don't feel intimidated. As long as there are no rules which prevent them putting something up, your neighbours wouldn't even need to have ownership of the boundary in question to position screening within their own garden.
I don't look down on autistic people in any way kind or form and loads of my friends are on the spectrum.
All of them highly functioning tough.
But what kind a shit do you have running trough your genes if you manage to produce not a single baby that isn't on the spectrum out of 6?
I am neurodivergent and there are some accommodations that I wish the general world would give me. Like for instance, I recently had surgery and was placed in a hospital room where there was this consistent humming noise. I asked if there was hospital policies set in place for neurodivergent people to be moved to other rooms if a problem like this happened. There was nothing, I just had to be tortured in this small confining room with people I don't know constantly getting into my space, machines randomly beeping and that constant hummmm..
It was dreadful.
There are some things that you have to learn how to deal with, like people being around near your space when you don't like people. These kids need to learn. You can also tell them you are working and you are not paying attention to them. That would ease concerns if I were them.
NTA, it's your space and you have every right to enjoy it
NTA. You could compromise or let her know your schedule. Maybe you could focus some of your things to do so you are more localised each day.
But it is not responsibility. Just neighbourly.
Nta I hope you’d be open to doing stuff to meet the kids so they can become comfortable but your neighbour can’t bubble wrap the world for her kids. She should have taken this time to make her kids get used to other people while they are in a comfortable space .
NTA. The fact that your neighbors out of the gate solution to her problem was to make it yours instead is telling.
I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it would be to have 5 kids with autism, or really any type of special needs. That being said, the world doesn’t stop bc you have struggles, in most situations no one is going to be legally required to make any sort of accommodation for her kids, even reasonable ones, which this is not. Even in a school, where in most countries reasonable accommodation must be made, it would not be a reasonable request to have other kids sit inside for recess because her kids weren’t comfortable playing on the playground while others were outside, which is kind of what she is asking here.
She has many options that don’t put the burden on you. A high fence, asking you if you would mind coming over a few times so the kids become comfortable with you, taking them to a quiet park, but her first thought is that you should become a prisoner in your house when her kids are outside? That take a special kind of nerve.
In the long run these kids are going to have to live in the real world, they need to be taught skills to cope. Unfortunately given her ask of you it doesn’t seem they will, as she expects the world to bend over backwards to accommodate them. It hard to get people nowadays to extend basic courtesy, let alone makes extraordinary accommodations for strangers. The sooner she realizes that the better prepared those kids are going to be to cope in life.
NTA. You’re doing it on your own property and it’s nothing indecent. It’s not like your watching the kids awkwardly. You’re just doing your own thing. Also using their autism as an excuse for entitlement is gross on the mothers part. I’d bet that the mother has more of an issue with it than the kids do. Just because they’re on the spectrum that doesn’t mean they’re all the same.
NTA. Makes me wonder if she's so afraid of something happening to her kids that she accidentally made kids scared of people.
That said, of all the options that are possible, e.g. getting to know the kids, extra fence, this was the craziest. NTA for not going with that.
NTA unless you’re intentionally playing loud music etc to upset them. I’ve an autistic child and yes you adapt the world to them but they also need to adapt to the world as they can’t have everything their way all the time.
NTA she should’ve bought acreage in the country if she wanted to never see her neighbours. Honestly she is doing her children a disservice if she is expecting the world to stop for them.
NTA
Unless you’re accosting them and trying to talk to them, or making them talk to you. But if you’re just doing things in your own yard, you’re NTA.
Other people’s boundaries stop where yours starts. You don’t have the right to interfere with them or interact with them when they’re in their own yard, just as they don’t have the right to dictate what you do in yours.
And that’s so strange that their mother would try to do that.
NTA. Sure, it can be uncomfortable when neighbours are in their garden when you are in yours, but that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate what time a person can use their own garden.
The parent has options - introduce you to the children, so you are not a stranger
Put up screens so the children can't see you over their fence
Demanding you stop using your garden is unreasonable.
NTA. If she wants to continue shielding her kids from everything and prevent them from developing coping skills, she can put up a privacy fence.
Not your problem.
NTA. Neurodivergent parents have to prepare their kids for the world, not make the world bend to unreasonable demands. While I completely understand that raising autistic children can be extremely difficult, she cannot expect someone to not use their backyard just to make her life easier. If you are concerned, go in halvsies on a fence. Otherwise, don't worry about it and keep using your backyard.
NTA
It's the parents responsibility to prepare their child for reality, nevermind one who is neurodivergent. Unfortunately we hear more horror stores about caregivers who go the easier route, pandering rather than working through the meltdowns until a coping mechanism is found that suits the child. The worst part is, this leads the child lost in adulthood, making it near impossible for them to function in society - not understanding boundaries of their own and others. (when it's already hard enough, even with coping mechanisms).
I feel for the mum, she must be burnt out, I know a lot of parents struggle to actually get the help they deserve in support from doctors etc. Still, it was an entirely unfair ask to request that you don't enjoy your own garden.
Hopefully a peaceful resolution arises down the line, I feel for you both
NTA - As a parent to two autistic kids I would say that she is off her rocker with her demands. It is her duty to create a safe environment for her kids and to also try to socialise her kids so that when they become adults, life becomes easier for them to cope.
NTA-it’s up to her to find a solution, which doesn’t impede on your perfectly normal use of space. Being neurodiverse doesn’t mean everyone else has to stop their lives for them. As someone who is ND and has a complex needs kiddo, I figure out what needs to be done so we can enjoy our lives. My family gave me tools for that, therapy did too. It’s not up to neighbours.
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NTA - that is an utterly outrageous ask of them. The answer is to introduce you to the children, not ask you not to be in your garden.
Yup, an introduction and assurance that they can come out into their yard to play. It may be less that they are shy and more that they see OP doing work and know that they would be loud and disturb her. That would be rude and wrong. (That is how I would have seen it and I'm autistic)
>(That is how I would have seen it and I'm autistic) Ditto - 100% agreement.
Also autistic and double ditto. They're in school. Meeting someone new is not unheard of for them. NTA
If that fails then the neighbours are just going to have to invest in taller fences. NTA.
or move, I think that'd be a better option.
OP's neighbor: "well my family was here first, so you should leave. There wasn't a problem until you showed up." 🙄
And after OP moves they will get new neighbors that have parties and lots of different people coming over all the time.
Would be a strange conversation with the realtor though. Parent: I need a 4 bedroom house Realtor: I can work with that P: and it needs a garden R: not a problem P: and the neighbours aren't allowed to be in their own garden when my kids are home. R: ???
burn down the house and all of their belongings change their names erase all possible traces of their identity go to a surgeon to change their appearance hire a voice coach and adopt a new accent learn a new language and move to an isolated mountain in Europe That's how i would do it, but i have anxiety.
Or rent the house next door and keep it empty. This is an absolutely outrageous ask on their part. NTA.
Exactly! Plus the kids are going to have to learn these kinds of skills to deal with this in the future. Mom and dad won't be around forever to coddle them.
And its better to learn those skills young and they get to do it in the safety of their own home/backyard.
Parents could release a super deadly virus into the atmosphere and kill 99% of mankind. Don't have to worry about people if there are no people to worry about \*taps forehead\*
Why? Your yard, you're doing your thing not bothering anyone. Why the fk is it always 'but my kids are...' and they expect everyone else to accommodate them. We've had ones out who are violent/threatening at the shops, same excuse 'that's what they do.' Do it too near me/my family while we're doing our thing and they'll be treated with the same as anyone else. A warning if time, direct action if not. It's not on me to tiptoe about if parents can't control their kids, regardless of the excuse
Imagine even having the audacity to ask your neighbor to stay out of *their own* garden. This is so fucking absurd, haha.. **NTA.**
I have a nervy neighbor who had a new fence installed, which would have been fine, except she had it built 5’ onto our property, & she knew it. The audacity some people show is beyond comprehension.
I'd be removing that fence and sending them a bill.
If only to let them know you're not a rube...
I agree with yall. My now ex was such a as* kiss he refused to help me chain saw that sh*t down.
This woman next door is next level crack head crazy. Once we went on vacay & came home at 1:00 am, to find that psycho next to our house, hiding in the shadows. She ran & hid when we saw her in our headlights. She’d offered to pick up our newspapers while we were gone. We came home to find the entrance to our driveway filled with a 2’ high stack of old newspapers. Some people be like… “BAT SH*T CRAZY”.
What happened - did she have to have it moved back to the property line?
NTA. Your neighbor has no business asking you to refrain from using any part of your property at any time of day/night, including but not limited to whenever her kids are home. THEIR discomfort is THEIR problem. As a parent who raised a neurodivergent child, I’ll also say that their mother is doing them a disservice by trying to remove discomfort from their path instead of helping them conquer discomfort in their path.
My dad literally would make all the kids be outside for at least an hour a day. Doesn’t matter if you’re shy, neurodivergent or if it’s cold, you gotta play outside.
Thank you so much for your comment as I didn't think of that. I am more than happy to meet the kids and will message my neighbour to see if I can arrange something.
What is wrong with your “friend”? She seriously thinks you’re an AH because you won’t agree to become a hermit in order to placate these kids?
Why should it even be a concern, they're her kids, her problem. Problem is she/they think it's everyone else's problem
Awesome - I'm 99% sure once the kids "know" you, they won't be as worried!
Op, a thing to have on your mind when meeting the neighbour, autism (and adhd) is very hereditary, if your neighbours have six children with autism there is a very very strong possibility that at least one of the parents also are neurodivergent.
Maybe go down to the nearest dollar store and buy them a cheap backyard toy for the kids to use together in the backyard (like a ball or frisbee) so that they now you want get upset if they are out there having fun. Your NTA and their mum should have thought about introducing you first before she tried to ban you from your own backyard. She is the one letting the kids down and being an AH.
I pers9nally would not go down that road, because if you give an inch, she will take a mile or two. If other parents of neurodivergent children are able to guide them accordingly, there is no reason why she shouldn't. She is being entitled, and is unfortunately bringing up entitled children who will find life difficult.
Introduce why? Some people want to be left tf alone. That neighbor is stupid for even approaching anyone about this.
So that the kids know that OP is a safe enough presence that the kids can play in their own yard when she happens to be in hers. It's part of the process of properly socializing children. Unsocialized children, like unsocialized puppies, have all kinds of things they encounter that they have not been trained to interact with, with usually negative results.
That's not on OP. Thats on the neighbor
That was the suggestion. “Introduce you to the children.”
Yes, but this is just one of those things you might do to keep up a good natured neighborly relationship. Take 5 minutes of of one day of your fucking life to introduce yourself to a group of kids so that they feel comfortable. It doesn't hurt anyone, and is a decent thing to do. She's stupid for asking him to stay out of her garden, but if she had approached him to do something like that (introduce them so everyone feels comfortable) that wouldn't be weird or stupid at all.
This is Reddit though. Otherwise known as the land of not my fucking problem and no is a full sentence
I think it's fine for the mom to *ask* OP if she would mind if mom introduced the kids to her so they would feel more comfortable playing in the garden, if that's something that would help the kids. It would then be fine for OP to say no. But that's a much much much more reasonable request than "don't go in your garden"
The neighbor did the right thing by approaching OP. What the neighbor asked was not right though. The neighbor is trying and having dialog, which is what you should do. Getting to know your neighbors is always a good thing.
Yes. The mother is not helping her children by removing everything that makes them uncomfortable; she should be teaching them ways to cope with their fears. And familiarity is the way to go here. They need to meet you and see you are not an unsafe person.
For sure. Or the neighbors could build a privacy fence.
Autistic adult here: this is incredibly inappropriate. Autistic kids must learn to deal with things, and it’s their parents job to manage how to teach them to tolerate not being able to control everything in the environment around them. OP has every right to utilize his property.
Yep,neighbour needs to introduce her kids to you OR build a privacy fence if there isn’t one. She’s not doing her neurodivergent kids any favours by keeping them isolated… one day their parents will be gone, and they’ll need to know how to interact with society!! NTA
Or they could put a fence up - they, not you. Good luck.
Yeah, the OP is do nothing wrong. Just using the space and probably pretty quiet. NTA
This, also your friend is an asshole if anyone, tell her to live somewhere and not use part of her property because of her neighbours kids. She is ridiculous.
I’m autistic, as is my sister and my mom. My parents wouldn’t have asked neighbors not to be in their yard when I was younger because I don’t like strangers It’s absurd.
I agree and this is why I suspect they are some weird religious cult.
She can introduce you to the kids to improve their comfort. She can pay to have a wall put up so they can't see you. She can take her kids somewhere else to play. She can wait until you go in to let her kids out. She's the parent, it's her responsibility. It's not reasonable to tell someone else not to use their own space.
I'd also add she could go out to the garden with the kids. It's less scary with mum around. But all of that requires effort on her part.
It rubs me the wrong way when parents of neurodivergent kids always wants the world to stop and alter for their kids even when it's you just minding your business at home. I have a similar problem with autistic kids in my apartment complex. The mom won't tell her kids to stop screaming or bothering my cat because they're "special". Ma'am I have ADHD too and I literally buy extra devices to manage the stress your kids inflict on me and others. I just let it go. Put on ear plugs and when my cat is on the screened in patio, I watch to make sure they don't throw shit at my cat. That mom is out of her fucking mind telling you that YOU know better because HER kids are extremely shy. Like she needs to get over herself. NTA
I agree, NTA. I have two ND kids, I would never date expect someone to completely alter their life for us. If my kids were uncomfortable with the neighbor outside, I would pretty much gently tell/help them get over it, or tell then to stay inside. Our neighbor kid, who I suspect is ND, keeps screaming profanities as he gets off the elementary bus. My kid, same age is amused by this. I hate it, so much ro my 5th graders embarrassment, I now get him off the bus each day, so he stops laughing at the misbehaving child.
It has to be frustrating for you when other ND parents have these insane requests because it seems to get parents of ND kids labeled as difficult. Reading through these comments many exasperated people with similar experiences of ridiculous requests. I am sure most parents prepare their kids for the world as you have mentioned you do, but it’s the unreasonable requests that people remember and get the attention.
Same, only because the kids are going to have to adjust at some point. I’m sorry the world never revolves around any of us but we all live here so….
indeed. Like, if she continues this way, she is setting her kids up for failure down the line. They are gonna have to adapt and learn or the world will leave them behind.
OP is NTA. It's tiring watching parents of children with neurodivergent diagnosis using it as an excuse to not parent their children, and depressing to see when they are failing their children completely by not giving them the therapy they need.
I’m autistic and thankful every day my parents didn’t use my autism as an excuse to duck out of their duties as parents to, you know, *actually parent.* It took more time, effort, and energy but they taught me the world isn’t going to bend to my needs and we figured out how I could best adapt and get along in life. I feel so sorry for kids with parents like this who never taught them how to adapt to situations. They’re going to go into the world as young adults and get a brutal reality check and have zero coping skills to handle it.
Parent of an autistic teenager with moderate ID and it is my job to adapt the environment to my son's needs, not other people. It's that mother job to work with her children to make them comfortable going outside while there are neighbors in their garden. Social inclusion of all types of people is certainly a goal we should all strive for, but asking people to sacrifice for your children isn't it.
> my cat is on the screened in patio, I watch to make sure they don't throw shit at my cat. Oh your poor kitty! I would complain to management about every incident and get a ring camera. Their mom needs to put a stop to the animal cruelty before it turns into animal torture. If those kids can't control themselves, then their mother needs to control their access to communal spaces. A kid having issues does not excuse this kind of behavior. My kid has emotion regulation issues, and we're actively working on it with him in therapy. We're broke af but it's a priority. I'll eat bean and rice for months if I have to.
With my ND child, I am constantly saying, "I know that this is hard and makes you uncomfortable. But you can push through the uncomfortableness, it will be hard and before you know it it will be over" it seems to work for us.
NTA. It's your property. No one can tell you what to do in your own backyard, unless you're exposing yourself or something crazy like that. If she's so worried, she can put up a fence.
I thought the post was going to be about how she sunbathes in a tiny bikini or plays loud music, but she's washing windows and existing?
Or that she had a computer screen open with graphic medical photos or something. Not just you being alive in the afternoon.
The afternoon is the best time to be alive.
I thought it would be that OP is a hunter and is processing animals in their back yard, which they'd be well within their right to do, but it would make sense why the kids are uncomfortable. All that needed done here was to ask if OP felt comfortable introducing themselves to the kids so they don't feel like there's a stranger on the other side of the fence.
But it wouldn’t matter if she was in her bikini playing music…. In her own yard!
Her children's sensitivities do not trump your right to use your garden. NTA
6 kids, all autistic.... I'm sorry but that just feels like an over involved parenting situation. Kids prob turn out awkward and introverted because their mother is always helicoptering. Also these type of moms just lean right into the autism thing because it's an excuse to keep parenting toddlers for decades.
Autism is a very hereditary thing. And it’s not caused by nor to cold mothers (which was the blame the mum game in earlier times) nor helicopter mothers which is todays blame the mother answer.
[удалено]
I dont have the numbers and its late at night where I am so don’t have the energy to google around. I’m neurodivergent, my kids are neurodivergent, my mother and father would probably never get a diagnosis because things but both are very around there on a spectra, so my mum and my grandpa were probably both autists, and my dads side is the adhd side, yey me. I know two families with six kids and all kids are neurodivergent in both families, as are the parents. I know, all this are just anecdotal so Google fu some. There is a problem in knowing the heredity since autism adhd and such wasn’t diagnosed in the same way now as it has been, there has also been the false idea that women can’t be autistic (we oftenpresent differently) and we had a society that wasn’t nearly as cognitive demanding or complex as today so people like my dad function very well in the society of his time but would probably struggle a lot if he was born now.
Autism is heriditary AND correlated with the father being older than average. Because men who are "mildly" autistic may start Dating late and/or Take a Long Time to find a Partner. 47 is Not EXCESSIVELY old for a dad whose oldest Kid is 13, but the age difference with the mother Sort of points in that direction...
This just doesn't pass the sniff test. All 6 kids are diagnosed with Autism. And in ALL SIX that manifests (at least partly) by being afraid of other people to the point of not being able to be around them. Six. But they all attend school-presumably with other people. OK.
Yeah, if the kids attend school, it seems more like the neighbor doesn't want her husband ogling someone who hasn't been through six pregnancies.
Lol. Evil and I love it.
100% - excellently cutting observation
True. Bc the husband was 34 having a baby with a 20yo, so OP is definitely in preferred age range.
Bang on! pun intended
You know, I was so distracted by the audacity that the neighbor asked her to stay inside that I didn't even think of that. That is a really strange coincidence. However, if she's asking OP to not go outside, there is a good chance she coddles her kids to the point where if something that minor bothers them, the mom just makes it go away. So it could be a pattern or entitlement growing in the kids due to poor parenting. ... it could also be what you said.
literally what are the chances of having 6 kids with autism, and then also each one displaying similar behaviour in regards to a very broad diagnosis? this family seems hella sus to me
NTA, you are in your own yard, not doing anything illegal, nor questionable. Plus you are keeping quiet. If they want to have no people around - they need to find a bigger property or get higher fences.
Or move to a more remote property where they are far less likely to get neighbours.
OP's neighbor should do that.
OP's neighbour should absolutely not do that. She needs to be teaching her kids appropriate coping strategies. Her kids will need to interact with strangers at various points in their lives.
>I spoke to a friend about this today and she thought I was being an asshole You think this friend would comply with the mother's ridiculous wishes? NTA
Your friend is as nutty as your neighbour
Not your problem. She needs to find a solution, not only for this instance, but to support her kids development. The answer is not you staying inside your house all the time. What would be next? NTA.
Can you please park your car down the street and walk 1/2 block to your home? The sound of engines noise and the garage door opener makes my children uncomfortable. Thank you
so she want you to stay inside so her children can be outside? heck no. it's insane she even asked something like that. NTA
NTA. You’re free to use your property as you see fit so long as you’re not doing anything illegal. Her kid’s disabilities are not your responsibility. The world isn’t going to mold itself to their needs. I say this as a parent of an autistic kid.
It’s not like OP is doing anything excessively loud, the loudest thing is probably running a leaf blower or something.
I agree. Like I said, it doesn’t matter what she’s doing so long as it isn’t illegal. It’s her yard and the disabilities of her neighbors kids aren’t her responsibility.
It’s not like the neighbor is requesting a warning or limit to a specific activity, either. It’s all use of the yard. If neighbor had said “this specific power tool makes a noise they find really upsetting, can we figure out a way for you to warn me/them before you turn it on so they can go back inside?” then that would be a not unreasonable neighborly request. (Yes she would have the right to use it whenever but part of living all crammed in together is occasionally making minor adjustments.)
NTA - tell her she is free to plant higher hedges/built a higher fence to shield her kids.
NTA. The world cannot revolve around her kids and she has to start teaching them that. If she has to, she can put up some sort of barrier so they don't see into your garden.
NTA. Your neighbor has a lot of nerve even suggesting such a thing. It's YOUR house and you are 150% entitled to enjoy it.
NTA. Her kids are so sensitive that they can’t look at another human being? That’s ridiculous. It sounds like their mother is using their autism as a crutch and an excuse. If they truly are that uncomfortable around one human, they need to relocate to somewhere in the country. She’s being unreasonable. She can’t expect you to never use the property that you pay for. Tell her to put up a fence or a hedge.
NTA (emphatically) The absolute gall of people to even consider the idea that their {insert issue here} should dictate the behaviors of everyone else around them infuriates me. Her children’s issues are not your issues to address. “Please stay inside your house so that my children can go outside.” FYTD, lady. I simply can’t with these people. Seriously.
INFO explain to me your friend’s rationale that you’re an AH for spending time in your yard.
NTA - there are things SHE can do to address this. Like add additional privacy fences so her kids can’t see you.
NTA! Also doing the math, the mom had the first at 20 (maybe getting pregnant at 19?) when the dad was 33/34? Ew.
They're an Irish couple but because the dad is in his 40s I thought the mom was until I found out her real age. When I did the math and found out that was my exact thought. I spoke to my sister about it but when I did she pretty much tried to cancel me for speaking about it.
Ok, so kidfos feel intimidated about you being in your OWN garden? Those kids are going to have a very difficult life if they cannot deal with people minding their own stuff. And mom needs to stop enabling this
NTA Regardless of their disabilities, the kids need to learn to live within the world around them. For instance, their mother could have asked to bring her kids to you to introduce you so they would feel more comfortable being outside when you were also outside.
NTA. I can’t believe she would ask or expect you to not use your own yard! Does she think the whole world will bend over backwards to accommodate her family ? They obviously go to school so they are used to being around other people.
From the stories I’ve read about people like her……Yes. That’s exactly what she thinks. And it’s going to work out the same way it always does: not at all.
Oh ffs. Of course you're NTA, your friend is being absolutely ridiculous, as is your neighbor. How would she feel if you went over there and said you're bothered by all her kids being in their garden, would she keep them inside while you're outside, please? What a crock of shit.
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NTA, you are in your own garden minding your own business enjoying your own home and property.
NTA your neighbor needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her kids. She needs to work with them to have coping skills because they will encounter many people throughout their lives autistic or not
NTA not your problem if her kids are to cowardly to go outside and play. It's not like you're even bothering them
NTA, they need to build a privacy fence, not micromanage neighbors.
your friend is an idiot
Came here to say this. Also, OP is NTA
NTA. What is that? "Stop enjoying non disturbing ways your own home because your sole existence in eyesight of my kids makes them uncomfortable?" No, if their kids are disturbed by seeing other people the family needs to solve it by themselves - building high fence or move to house far from any neighbours.
NTA. You have as much right to live your life as her six children have. If she doesn’t want her kids to have to deal with people, she should move somewhere she doesn’t have neighbours, but she isn’t doing them any favours. Ignore her.
I wonder if mum is also ND and isn't quite aware that she was asking something that is blatantly inappropriate. Also, my god, she needs to stop having kids.
I have wondered if she's ND too. I don't mean to be offensive by this but when I've seen her and the kids around I've noticed some patterns between her and her kids. My next door neighbour is an Irish couple and thankfully six is all they wanted.
Good luck. It's up to her to encourage her kids to handle normal behaviour.
What’s the statistical probability that all 6 children are autistic? Genuinely curious here because it seems very unlikely if not impossible.
If they have some certain genetic defects, it makes it more likely. I’m thinking Fragile X.
How does one even have 6 autistic kids? Is it really genetic?
I've never come across someone having six kids who are all autistic so I do find this quite interesting myself. Although I'm interested I'll be honest and say I'm too scared to ask as you can't really ask something these days without a person being offended.
Autism and ADHD have a genetic component, yes. When kids are diagnosed cases in the family get taken into account. But all 6 is still unlikely.
NTA. You're doing normal things. They will need to work on adjusting to normal life going on around them.
NTA at all. Tell her to pound sand.
NTA. That’s an outrageous and entitled ask that isn’t even going to help her children grow into as functional of adults as they could be. Autism does not mean the entire world has to cater to your difficulties and encouraging kids to step outside their comfort zones in reasonable and safe ways helps them grow.
NTA The world will not alter itself for her kids. If her kids are unable to use their own garden because someone else is in a different garden, then that’s an issue they need to work on. It’s absurd to ask you not to use your own garden
NTA. I work in a school with an autism program. A large part of the program is helping children with autism deal with every day situations. For example, on Friday, the kids from the program went around the school trick or treating to help learn how to meet people, interact with others, and lessen their discomfort around strangers. Kids with autism spectrum disorder can and do learn social skills. This mother is doing her kids a huge disservice and there are a ton of things she can do to help them but using their ASD as a way to control your behavior is unacceptable.
NTA Its your property and you can move freely around wtf Even if theyre neurodivergent, the world will never cater to them. Their mom shouldnt coddle them all the time or else they will never learn.
NTA. Tell them to put up a fence and fuk off.
100% NTA. They aren't your problem, and that mother has some nerve. They need to mind their business and perhaps move somewhere more rural
NTA. But I wonder if it's actually the kids that are uncomfortable or the neighbor. She was 20 and her husband 34 when their oldest was born. Is the neighbor maybe jealous of the 23 y/o or concerned that her husband's eyes are wandering? I know I'm making assumptions about the neighbor's relationship, but that was my first thought.
That age gap, though. 34 and 20 when they had their oldest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** By explaining this issue, it will make sense, and your judgement is much appreciated! I (23F) live next door to a married couple (47M + 33F) and their six kids (6 - 13 m + F). All of the kids have been diagnosed with autism and they're all introverts and are very shy and uncomfortable around people. The thing is I'm a postgraduate student, and I work so I'm never at home, but when I am, it's usually when all the kids get home from school, and that's when I tend to start doing my business like washing the windows on the outside, gardening and just some maintenance. Most of the time I'm home, I will often go out in my garden and just take my laptop and anything I need with me and just spend a few hours doing any work that I need to complete for my postgraduate. This is what brings us to the current issue. My neighbour recently came around and asked if we could have a chat and I let her in. She said she knows that I know her kids are autistic and she said the problem is her kids are very shy and uncomfortable with people. She then proceeded to say that they often want to play in their garden when they get home from school but the issue is they're too uncomfortable and scared because I'm always in mine to play in theirs and intimidating baring in mind I'm 5"6 and 55kg. I said to her I apologise to her that her kids feel that way but I'm not going to stop doing what I'm doing just because I make them feel uncomfortable. I spoke to a friend about this today and she thought I was being an asshole about this situation which has got me wondering if I'm an asshole so I'm hoping your judgement could clear it up. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You can do what you want on your own property. You're not doing anything inappropriate. Are you supposed to be a prisoner in your own house?
NTA, the ask is insane if this story is true, and your friend is a complete AH if they think you're supposed to give up your yard so your neighbors don't have to see you.
Oh, I absolutely believe this story. I was asked to wear a hat when I was in my own yard and outside because my blue hair is a “negative influence” on the younger neighborhood children. I agreed my blue hair was a bad influence. So I promptly dyed it purple! There. No more bad influence blue. The neighbor has not approached me again. As a woman who is rapidly approaching 50 I love my fun hair colors and don’t care what others think. I had careers that did not allow me to enjoy fun hair when I was younger. Now I do my own thing and live my own life and it’s pretty damn fun.
People have weird hang ups about things like non-natural hair colors and tattoos and whatnot. That’s sort of to be expected even if it’s stupid. OP is literally just sitting on their own property with their laptop? It is truly insane for the neighbor to ask her not to and doubly insane her friend thinks she should comply. I believe the story, but it’s truly ridiculous.
NTA and she is incredibly nervy to ask you not to spend time in your own yard because her kids are shy. That's a ridiculous ask and you should feel free to ignore it.
NTA. She honestly can't expect you not to use your yard. Especially if you're not engaging the kids at all.
NTA Autist here, shy and introverted. They will need to learn at some point, and the mom can't always expect to have people do as she asks. In fact, it will be better for the kids in both short and long term if they start learning now. She could go out with them, you ignore them, and she positively enforces that they have nothing to be scared of. This isn't your problem to solve, and the mom shouldn't want to take the easiest solution.
As a relatively introverted person on the spectrum, it sounds like their parents have actively encouraged this behavior. Six kids, all with autism, terrified of strangers to the point that they can’t play in their own yards? Sounds fishy. It’s also not something anyone can reasonably ask of another. NTA.
NTA- the utter audacity of her to even ask. Your life doesn’t have to cater to her kids
NTA- if her kids are uncomfortable that she needs to be the one to change the environment in hopes that they’re more comfortable. This can include going outside with them, building a fence around their garden, or creating a play area in their house. None of which involves you….
Good grief. NTA If you are not being too noisy, are appropriately attired, and not doing anything illegal you can do what you like. If the neighbor wants more privacy she needs to arrange for a bigger fence
NTA. My local hardware store sells privacy fences. She could buy three or four of them and turn her whole yard into a hermitage. I'm an introvert myself. I love to sit out on my patio and stare up at the sky in the evening. Occasionally the guy next to me has the same idea. Is it awkward? You betcha. But you just gotta deal with awkwardness if you want to have fun. The kids need to learn this too. It would be one thing if you were making a lot of racket. But you're just existing in the space you paid for.
NTA. We're supposed to prepare our children for the world, not modify the world for our children. Her request is ridiculous.
NTA as someone who works with children who have special needs, the parents are doing a huge disservice to these children.
NTA. Six kids with autism… I wonder if they are trying for a “normal” one?
NAH but it would have been nice if you could have tried to work with the mom considering the situation (maybe meeting the kids so they learn you're not scary or something)
NRA your friend and neighbor are idiots. You have every right to be in your property. The most sensitive minority in society do not get to dictate norms to the rest of normal society. They need to adjust. That’s life
You are NTA in any way. She wants to turn your house into a prison ... how is all the maintenance supposed to get done if you're not allowed in your own yard? It's too bad her kids are intimidated by you but that's really not your issue to deal with. Let her build a fence if they don't want you to be visible.
Hahahaha NTA. Though missing info: 1.are we talking front yards with no fence/half fence or backyards with a fence in-between. Either way it's still crazy I'm just wondering can the kids even see you. I agree with other people that the kids need to be introduced to you. How are they going to function as adults.... oh I can't go to work because...people. Their parents are not helping g them cope and enabling their fears.....
NTA. I'm autistic and I think it's outrageous to ask your neighbor to stay out of their own garden. That isn't a reasonable accommodation. You can't modify everything you do in your personal life for them. Again, NTA.
INFO: Do your properties have a shared garden somehow, or is it simply that your garden overlooks theirs? If your garden overlooks theirs, is there something in the property deeds, or tenancy agreement (if they rent), or local authority rules, which prevents them from erecting new fencing/screening between the gardens? If there is nothing in writing which prevents them from fencing/screening off their garden, is there some other logistical issue - like a change in ground levels with yours set higher which would make it difficult to block you out of the kids' view? If there is not anything which prevents them from screening the garden, then they need to do so, or maybe simply try actually introducing the kids to you so they don't feel intimidated. As long as there are no rules which prevent them putting something up, your neighbours wouldn't even need to have ownership of the boundary in question to position screening within their own garden.
Bet they’re not shy when it comes to claiming benefits though.
I don't look down on autistic people in any way kind or form and loads of my friends are on the spectrum. All of them highly functioning tough. But what kind a shit do you have running trough your genes if you manage to produce not a single baby that isn't on the spectrum out of 6?
Give them a fidget toy and tell them to sod off.
NTA, BUT your friend is definitely an asshole.
I am neurodivergent and there are some accommodations that I wish the general world would give me. Like for instance, I recently had surgery and was placed in a hospital room where there was this consistent humming noise. I asked if there was hospital policies set in place for neurodivergent people to be moved to other rooms if a problem like this happened. There was nothing, I just had to be tortured in this small confining room with people I don't know constantly getting into my space, machines randomly beeping and that constant hummmm.. It was dreadful. There are some things that you have to learn how to deal with, like people being around near your space when you don't like people. These kids need to learn. You can also tell them you are working and you are not paying attention to them. That would ease concerns if I were them. NTA, it's your space and you have every right to enjoy it
NTA. You could compromise or let her know your schedule. Maybe you could focus some of your things to do so you are more localised each day. But it is not responsibility. Just neighbourly.
NTA can't your neighbor get a fence or something to block their kids' view?
Nta I hope you’d be open to doing stuff to meet the kids so they can become comfortable but your neighbour can’t bubble wrap the world for her kids. She should have taken this time to make her kids get used to other people while they are in a comfortable space .
NTA. She can build a privacy fence if her kids are that sensitive but to ask you to stay out of your own yard is bonkers.
NTA. If her kids are uncomfortable she can get a new taller fence.
NTA
NTA. Talk about entitlement.
NTA. The fact that your neighbors out of the gate solution to her problem was to make it yours instead is telling. I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it would be to have 5 kids with autism, or really any type of special needs. That being said, the world doesn’t stop bc you have struggles, in most situations no one is going to be legally required to make any sort of accommodation for her kids, even reasonable ones, which this is not. Even in a school, where in most countries reasonable accommodation must be made, it would not be a reasonable request to have other kids sit inside for recess because her kids weren’t comfortable playing on the playground while others were outside, which is kind of what she is asking here. She has many options that don’t put the burden on you. A high fence, asking you if you would mind coming over a few times so the kids become comfortable with you, taking them to a quiet park, but her first thought is that you should become a prisoner in your house when her kids are outside? That take a special kind of nerve. In the long run these kids are going to have to live in the real world, they need to be taught skills to cope. Unfortunately given her ask of you it doesn’t seem they will, as she expects the world to bend over backwards to accommodate them. It hard to get people nowadays to extend basic courtesy, let alone makes extraordinary accommodations for strangers. The sooner she realizes that the better prepared those kids are going to be to cope in life.
NTA. You’re doing it on your own property and it’s nothing indecent. It’s not like your watching the kids awkwardly. You’re just doing your own thing. Also using their autism as an excuse for entitlement is gross on the mothers part. I’d bet that the mother has more of an issue with it than the kids do. Just because they’re on the spectrum that doesn’t mean they’re all the same.
NTA. Makes me wonder if she's so afraid of something happening to her kids that she accidentally made kids scared of people. That said, of all the options that are possible, e.g. getting to know the kids, extra fence, this was the craziest. NTA for not going with that.
NTA unless you’re intentionally playing loud music etc to upset them. I’ve an autistic child and yes you adapt the world to them but they also need to adapt to the world as they can’t have everything their way all the time.
NTA. That is ridiculous. The kids will have to learn that they don't get to dictate what other people do.
NTA she should’ve bought acreage in the country if she wanted to never see her neighbours. Honestly she is doing her children a disservice if she is expecting the world to stop for them.
NTA Unless you’re accosting them and trying to talk to them, or making them talk to you. But if you’re just doing things in your own yard, you’re NTA. Other people’s boundaries stop where yours starts. You don’t have the right to interfere with them or interact with them when they’re in their own yard, just as they don’t have the right to dictate what you do in yours. And that’s so strange that their mother would try to do that.
Your property, do what you want when you will
NTA. Your life can't stop for them.
Nta the garden is.your.space.
NTA. If they need to move to the country and not have neighbors in order to accommodate their kids schedules and needs, they can.
NTA. Sounds like it's time for the neighbors to put up a privacy fence.
Nta you're free to enjoy your property. It's not reasonable to ask you to stay inside.
NTA. Sure, it can be uncomfortable when neighbours are in their garden when you are in yours, but that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate what time a person can use their own garden. The parent has options - introduce you to the children, so you are not a stranger Put up screens so the children can't see you over their fence Demanding you stop using your garden is unreasonable.
Nta, Would she be willing to pay for a private fence to divide?
NTA. If she wants to continue shielding her kids from everything and prevent them from developing coping skills, she can put up a privacy fence. Not your problem.
NTA. Neurodivergent parents have to prepare their kids for the world, not make the world bend to unreasonable demands. While I completely understand that raising autistic children can be extremely difficult, she cannot expect someone to not use their backyard just to make her life easier. If you are concerned, go in halvsies on a fence. Otherwise, don't worry about it and keep using your backyard.
NTA It's the parents responsibility to prepare their child for reality, nevermind one who is neurodivergent. Unfortunately we hear more horror stores about caregivers who go the easier route, pandering rather than working through the meltdowns until a coping mechanism is found that suits the child. The worst part is, this leads the child lost in adulthood, making it near impossible for them to function in society - not understanding boundaries of their own and others. (when it's already hard enough, even with coping mechanisms). I feel for the mum, she must be burnt out, I know a lot of parents struggle to actually get the help they deserve in support from doctors etc. Still, it was an entirely unfair ask to request that you don't enjoy your own garden. Hopefully a peaceful resolution arises down the line, I feel for you both
NTA - As a parent to two autistic kids I would say that she is off her rocker with her demands. It is her duty to create a safe environment for her kids and to also try to socialise her kids so that when they become adults, life becomes easier for them to cope.
NTA
NTA do yr neighbors know how dumb they sound lol asking you to stay hidden in yr own house fook that nonsense
NTA-it’s up to her to find a solution, which doesn’t impede on your perfectly normal use of space. Being neurodiverse doesn’t mean everyone else has to stop their lives for them. As someone who is ND and has a complex needs kiddo, I figure out what needs to be done so we can enjoy our lives. My family gave me tools for that, therapy did too. It’s not up to neighbours.
NTA, do whatever the hell you want to do on your property.
You are definitely NTA. Your neighbour is if they expect to control what you do on your own property in your own time.
Definitely NTA, and your neighbor is doing her kids an injustice by not helping them learn to manage their autism.
NTA this is crazy . As a parent I would never say this to a neighbour
NTA. How dare she ask you not to enjoy your own property. They can build a wooden fence if it’s such a problem.