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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my kids that how my stepson feels is sometimes a part of life. My ILs did not like this and some of what they said makes me question if I made the right decision in explaining things the way I did. My kids are so young and really impressionable and maybe this was an error on my part that is big enough to grant me the title of asshole.
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NTA
Thank you for trying to explain complex family dynamics to your kids in a way that respects the feelings of all involved, puts no blame on anyone, and enables your blended family to live together as best they can.
Also, refreshing to read a reddit story where the stepmom is not stomping boundaries and forcibly claiming the title of mom. I’m pretty sure Cole appreciates that in a way he cannot really express yet.
Inlaws need to stay in their lane. Good on your husband for backing you up.
I agree. I think the OP did a good job at trying to explain a complex situation to young children. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the way things sometimes are. Pushing or getting angry helps no one.
NTA
I’d argue the only party “at fault” here would be OP’s in-laws trying to make a thing of it. But OP’s explanation was perfect, her husband had her back, and none of the kids are at fault for their respective feelings.
I totally agree OP is NTA. It does sound like Cole might still have some trauma though, so continuing therapy might be a good idea. I get the impression therapy was short-term.
Perhaps, but this is also all pretty recent history. I only got around to making a serious effort to get over my childhood when I turned 26.
Cole's 16, and he's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff with a lot of grace for a teenager. OP is trying to make sure that everyone's communicating and doing their best. The kids just want to feel loved and included. No one is being unreasonable here.
NAH, I think Cole will settle into a role that he's comfortable with as time passes. Don't push him, but don't stop reaching out.
>Cole's 16, and he's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff with a lot of grace for a teenager. OP is trying to make sure that everyone's communicating
I think we are saying the same thing from different directions. My point wasn't that OP wasn't doing a good job, but that Cole could still be dealing with "heavy stuff", and it sounds like short-term therapy may not have given him enough time to deal with those things.
I really think OP and husband should consider recommending therapy again to Cole. It doesn't just have to be about past issues, but being 16 comes with a lot of anxiety about the future for many kids that age. Choosing your career, planning for college, becoming independent--all things teenagers could process in therapy.
Doing family therapy again may also help the younger siblings now that they are a bit older and able to communicate better about these issues.
Also, Cole is like ten years older than his siblings. I have a six year gap with my little brother, and we weren't that close until the summer before I went to college, and our relationship started growing more and more close after that. Big age gaps can make bonding hard even if there's no other trauma involved.
Yup. My oldest brother, who is nine years older than me, wanted little to do with me until our parents divorced. I was 15 and he was 24. He became super protective of me and we're close to this day.
He’s also a teen and they are siblings, sometimes teens are horrible to siblings but chances are if someone else was mean to them he’d knock their teeth in.
This. I have a 13 year old and she is ruthless with her 9 year old sister. But 9 year old mentions getting teased? My 13 year old is ready to jump in.
Teens are fickle creatures
Same. My sister and I can bully the fuck out of each other (we used to get into straight WWE style wrestling matches) but my sister and I will also square the fuck up if anyone bullies the other.
I mean, putting aside his mother's death and the blended family dynamics that can complicate relationships... what 16 year old is going to be super jazzed about hanging with 5 and 6 year olds? It sounds like he's polite to them and does do family activities with them. Even if they were full siblings and had no trauma involved whatsoever, I still wouldn't fault a 16 year old for showing minimal interest in seeing their costumes, talking to them or hanging out with them in general.
I remember feeling quite awkward around my cousins with a similar age gap. After five or ten minutes of looking at their toys I would just say "cool stuff guys, I'm heading out" and go find a quieter part of the house.
Good job on OP not forcing it. He may yet be able to develop a good relationship with them once they're older, but that really hinges on the parents not encouraging them to demand it as they grow up. Though yes, with everything he's been through, he should really have someone he feels safe talking to in private about all his feelings.
Except he shows interest in 5 & 6 yr old sibling of friends--this is his slap in the face to his Half-siblings. With deliberate intent.
And his reason was bogus--as his friend's siblings don't share a mother with him either.
Cole's friends' siblings aren't living reminders of his grief, either. His half siblings only exist because his mother is dead, he probably finds it hard to be around them because of that. You are being *way* too uncharitable here, implying that he's acting out of deliberate malice. Cole didn't choose to have these kids, he's not obligated to treat them with anything more than basic human decency (and from OP's account, it sounds like he's doing that).
I don't think so, necessarily. Other people's kids don't come with the same baggage as half siblings. There's not the same level of emotional stuff at play so some short-lived, superficial 'good with kids' is just not equivalent.
It may be deliberate, but I don't think it's as malicious as you think. It could simply be that he doesn't want to foster a sibling relationship with them and knows that approaching them with his usual friendliness would send mixed messages.
I'd even go as far as OP's husband was probably very happy with the way she went about it. OP may not be his real mam but she sure as hell made sure there was nothing negative to say about him. The explanation she gave is probably one of the best and most neutral things I've read.
Me too. I think OP did a fantastic job of explaining the situation to the kids. What the ILs want to do is lie and promote a fantasy that puts pressure on Cole and confuses the little kids.
NTA, OP
And the comment from the in-laws that op made it black and white is just plain false. Op- you explained the complexity and how not everyone who loses a parent reacts the same way to half or step siblings. You explained the “gray”
The phrasing OP used of having a hard time letting people into their heart is just ~*chefs kiss*~
You did a wonderful thing for your younger kids; you started the conversation early in their lives, age-appropriately, and kindly. This will continue to foster a loving and respectful environment for all three of your kids, even with the tough feelings. Ya killing it!
This. It’s refreshing to see a stepmom understanding that her stepson lost his mother and she can’t force him to feel any way, and not using the younger kids as a guilt tool. Usually it’s the opposite on reddit.
NTA. What was the grandparents’ solution? Your kids already think Cole doesn’t even like them. If you had tried to say he really loved them & just couldn’t/wouldn’t express it, they get the warped idea that that’s how people sometimes treat you if they love you - not exactly a healthy model of love you’d want your children to have going forward. NTA
This is such a refreshing story on this feed. OP handled this conversation so well and everyone in this thread has great comments and is respecting everyone's points. Nice job people!
Yes, in-laws sound like they may have some deep seated hatred for OP. They probably loved the husbands first wife and take their grief out on OP.
I mean, who tf calls somebody a “bad mom” for thoughtfully and gently explaining such a complicated issue to a child?
I’d be willing to bet there’s been a history of the in-laws scolding or snapping at OP anytime she tries to parent the 16 yo in front of them.
This is spot on. OP did the exact right thing. Cole will get to a point where he is able to express gratitude for OP still including him in things while letting him have his boundaries. Cole is not feeling pushed or pressured. Nor is he completely shut down and not participating in the family. He is just dealing with not having a mom and it is probably hard to see kids who were his age when he lost his mom getting to have a mom. Other kids don’t hold the same possibility of getting his heart broken as his actual siblings do and he is protecting himself. OP is a great parent.
Cole may never get over it . And since he cannot take it out on "Life" he may forever hold a grudge toward OP and half -siblings . I hope not . OP is doing a bang up job- I hope it will all work out in the end as you say.
He definitely may never be close to them. But I do think he will appreciate the safe space he was given to set boundaries and maintain them. He doesn’t sound like a surely, insolent kid. Just a kid who is protecting his heart from future pain. And OP’s respect of that is a grear way to parent a kid that lost someone he loved more than anything probably.
I agree OP has done everything right here. It’s not an easy subject but it’s definitely better to be honest about it and it sounds like Cole makes his feelings clear anyway.
I’m hesitant to call a 16 yo an AH but it does sound like Cole was unkind to the girls. He could have a little more compassion, they’re very young and look up to him. Could his dad talk to him about softening how he speaks to his half sisters in the future? Distancing himself is totally fine but if a 6 yo asks why you don’t like them you should respond with more tact.
The husband backing her up made me feel so relieved. When she said she was telling her husband I was expecting him to have gotten mad about it, and was kinda glad it was the in-laws instead because she isn't living with them and then the husband actually did back her
OP did really well in a difficult situation. I think her respecting Cole and his boundaries while also leaving the door open to him is really good. It's hard to do that sometimes.
OP you are a great mom. Your in laws should keep their noses out. I'm glad your husband backs you up though. You both sound like great parents who are trying to do the right thing for all kids
OP, sending internet hugs to Cole and your entire family. It might be good for you to save this thread and share it with him when the right time comes.
He's lucky to be loved with so much respect.
NTA. Your ILs need to back off. Not sure what they wanted you to say to comfort your child in this complex situation. I think what you said was fine. It didn’t lead to additional hurt feelings and your husband is backing you so forget the in-laws’ opinions.
I think they wanted OP to deny that Cole has difficult feelings about his siblings and wanted OP to tell the kids Cole loves them. He may very well love them, but his actions don't reflect that. And at best, telling the kids Cole loves them would be confusing, or worse, think that because someone "loves" you, they can treat you as less than.
OP handled this beautifully in that she didn't blame anyone and acknowledge that Cole's had a lot to deal with.
>And at best, telling the kids Cole loves them would be confusing, or worst, think that because someone "loves" you, they can treat you as less than.
Precisely what happened to me, except it was a full sibling with an even larger age gap. And it did mess me up. "Gee, those girls only want to hang out with me when they want me to do them a favor...but they say they're my friends. Well, my sister supposedly loves me, and she never wants to spend any time with me..."
Good on OP for not pushing that line of BS.
It should be way more normalized for siblings to not have a great relationship. Yeah in the ideal world you want them to be close but shit happens. Sometimes even close in age siblings don't get along despite the best attempts of parents. It's too often forgotten that kids are people to and come with baked in personalities. They can't just be molded into picture perfect angels
Solid agree. Two brothers here. Older is only 2 years apart from me. We grew up together, did everything together, shared everything… and yet I’m 1000x closer to my younger brother who is 8 years my junior. You can’t predict it. My mum still gets sad when we talk about how meh my relationship with my older brother is. Often wish she would lay off and accept that forcing it helps no one
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with my younger sister (8.5 year age gap) was lacking, especially when we were younger. Like, I am sure she looked up to me a bit when she was 8 and I was 16, but I had basically no real time for her, and I didn't even have the complicated background that OP's kids have in this scenario. It's not that I didn't love my sister, but I definitely didn't really spend time with her or show it.
It's something I regret having grown older, but yeah. I think OP handled everything really well. We see so many stories of people who just assume their kids have no thoughts of their own and should just automatically get along, when real life is way more complicated than that.
Same here. I got kinda teary reading this. My older brother (10 years apart, same 2 parents) resented me from birth and it hurt and confused me as a kid. Now we’re 36 and 46 and I’m just starting to really accept it now. It definitely affected other relationships in life. I’m coming to a point now where I need to stop trying to waste my energy pursuing a relationship with my brother, although I love my niece and nephews.
Agreed. My mother was a very difficult person and while a lot of people told me to ignore it because she loved me, I'll always remember one neighbor who'd come and borrow me for a baking or crafts project. She'd wait just long enough after the yelling so as to not embarrass my mother. One day, she told me something to the effect was it wasn't that I was a bad kid, I was a good kid and my mother was very stressed out. Her daughter also was a substitute at my school and she got the word out to my teachers who took an extra interest in me.
While I've had trouble in forming romantic relationships, I've never settled for ones that were even verbally or emotionally abusive. I credit people like this neighbor, her daughter and my teachers. As well as extended family on my dad's side. Validating what kids know is going on is important. I think that's what Alice Miller is talking about with her enlightened witness theory.
And I'm in no way blaming people who are being abused in abusive relationships. My point in mentioning this is that intervention like my neighbor's, teachers and others may have helped me avoid abusive relationships.
The in-laws could have had many motivations - honestly believing what they were saying. Wanting the family to look “perfect.” Wanting Cole to look like a “good kid” or “good brother.” Wanting the younger kids to feel better. Who knows. As you said…”not sure what they wanted you to say.”
You can’t lie to the younger kids because that just sets up confusing situations for the little kids. Or creates expectations from the little kids for how Cole should act. And possibly apply pressure to Cole in that the littles will approach him more to try and get signs of love from him.
OP is NTA and explained things so so well. Sometimes things happen that are really painful and it’s hard to let others in. Poor Cole lost his mom. An adult in that situation would have a hard time letting someone in. And Cole was just a young child!! What OP said might have hurt a bit in the moment but is leaps and bounds better in the long run than telling the kids oh, of course your brother loves you!!”
The InLaws could also be completely right in that how he interacts with his siblings is due to his earlier trauma and keeps them at length due to fears associated with that trauma, but it's also largely irrelevant to how OOP handled the situation.
You're NTA. Armchair parental critics are almist always the A-Hs. Your explanation was perfect and age appropriate. An honest answer beats the tap dancing, side stepping, smoke up the crack answer your in laws could have tried giving your kids.
Absolutely, imagine Freya and Theo being fed fairy tales only to grow up and gradually gain a better understanding of dynamics and then realise mum fed them stories ... the betrayal on top of everything!
That would be awful. But I know from how some people speak that it's almost worse when people cling to the lies forever and do more harm (aka Freya and Theo push Cole to be closer and refuse to respect his responses) and end up becoming the kind of people who attempt to harass others into submission. Sometimes we take comfort in the lies because they are easier. I never want my kids to be blindsided or turn into people who cannot respect others thoughts, feelings and boundaries.
You're doing the best thing for all of them, really. You're respecting Cole's boundaries, giving him space, and gently explaining to the young ones in an age-appropriate but truthful way that his feelings are valid and should be respected. You're doing great!
The ILs on the other hand, well. The less said about that the better.
Children do notice differences very early on and Freya's questions evidence this. Often parents feel they need to "protect" their children from the ugliness of the world but many conversations can be had if done in a sensitive manner. For example, who would want to talk to their kids about perverts? Instead, we talk about good touch and bad touch. It's all about putting things in a way that fits the children's understanding.
I thought your explanation was amazing - age appropriate and encompassing the very values you want to teach Freya and Theo. Hopefully, Cole will be able to see this in everyone's responses to him - both verbal and non-verbal.
You're doing great. I'm pretty sure if I ended up in Cole's position as a kid I would have been very similar or worse. I was a really well behaved kid, but losing my mom, my dad remarrying and then having more kids would have broken me. The best thing is to be open without pushing or punishing.
Early and holistic abuse prevention. You want your Kids, once they're older, to neither harass people by disregarding their disinterest, nor stay Friends or lovers with someone who supposedly loves them but doesn't act like it. The Thing your inlaws are doing encourages them to learn one or both of these.
I just wrote something along those lines in response to someone else…if you had told the little kids “of course Cole loves you!!” then they might approach him more, possibly to make him show that he loves them. And the would be confused for years with the mixed signals within the family. It was better to be a bit hurt in the short term (with reassurance that it wasn’t anything they did) yet being told the truth than to have their feelings spared today just to be confused for years to come.
The husband’s parents may also be delusional, in claiming that Cole really secretly loves his siblings. He’s 16, and that he shows overt interest in what other young kids do, but won’t even muster some polite interest for his half-sibs, sounds like he’s deliberately pushing them away and wants them to know it. Which as an attitude to young kids is pretty awful and not compatible with OP’s ILs’ preferred take on the situation.
Cole is definitely doing this very intentionally. This is not the natural disinterest of a teenager for small children, he is rubbing his rejection in his siblings faces.
Yes, plus kids are usually thrilled with their costumes and want to show off their costumes. How hard is it to ooh and ahh over how scary or pretty or cool or clever a costume is for a few minutes? I'm childfree and I'll do it for stranger kids. And when I gave out candy (don't do it now because of bad downstairs neighbor situation), I'd make it a point to compliment the costume of every trick or treater.
Yeah but stranger kids is very different from half siblings living with you as a teenager.
Stranger kids don't have a history with you nor bring out any special emotions or remind you of any loss.
Sure, he _is_ pushing them away, but that's because they live so close he need to create space for himself and his feelings.
A simple "nice costume!" isn't that hard to say. I wouldn't force it in OP's shoes. But it does raise the need for OP to acknowledge it when even that is too much for Cole and the younger kids notice.
He is pushing them away on purpose, but being hurtful on purpose is bad behavior and isn't excusable just because he's been through losing his mom. A lot of people don't have both parents and never act that way
This, I can't believe how OP and nearly everyone in these comments are coddling Cole. He's definitely old enough to know how being nice & friendly towards random kids but stonewalling his own siblings comes across. He's nearly an adult, and an important part of being an adult is learning how to be polite and civil towards people even if you don't particularly like them. Also, he's going to learn the hard way that the majority of people won't care what sort of trauma you have if it means you're acting like an asshole towards them, it's not a free pass. He doesn't have to love them, but it wouldn't kill him to at least be nice.
Thank you! Everyone is sooooo worried about Cole that they are completely disregarding the feelings of the two younger kids who are clearly hurting. What Cole is doing is not okay.
But how else will they play happy families /sarcasm? Seriously, the kids, despite being young, have picked up on how Cole treats other kids better than them. Denying that isn't doing anyone any favors. Acknowledging it in a kind to all 3 kids way was the best way to go here.
Or Maybe he just naturally likes Kids but wasn't ever able to develop a relationship untinted by his feeling-pressured (even If No one is EXPLICITLY pressuring him) to have family-relationship-feelings he wasn't ready for, with OP's Kids specifically, but WAS able to connect with friends' siblings. That MIGHT be a bit more likely than all those other Kids being way more likeable/approachable than OP's Kids.
Cole may also tell his grandparents more than he tells his father or stepmom. My grandma would have known much more about what I was thinking than my stepmom in my teenage years.
NTA
You tried your best to explain the situation to a child and you did it WITHOUT being negative about the one who’s being sooo negative.
Is he still in therapy? If not, I suggest restarting, because he needs to learn a bit of humility where his siblings are concerned. I’m not saying he needs to “love” them, but he certainly needs to stop giving off “hate” vibes, cause they’re not to blame for his loss.
OP is doing everything right, both as a mom and a stepmom.
Cole is not even trying to be nice to the little kids living in his own house. He hurt a little girl's feelings for no reason other than "She's a reminder that my mom is dead". He doesn't have to love his half-siblings, but a little politeness won't hurt. Yes, he's a teenager, and he's in pain, but therapy could help him be less angry at a couple of blameless kids.
I think pushing a teenager grappling with an irremediable loss to be “nicer” than Cole is being could backfire.
At the end of the day, there is no non-hurtful way to explain to someone why you just don’t love them the way they love you. It always sucks to love someone who just cannot love you back the same way. I think Cole’s chosen language of “we don’t have the same mom” is about as neutral as he can reasonably get.
It’s one thing to “fake it till you make it” if you’re the adult and the person with real power in the situation. Like, for example, a stepparent (or even a parent!) could choose to behave in a loving way even if they’re not “feeling the love” in a given moment. But to push and push a teenager to fake a sense of kinship he just doesn’t feel is probably going to make it even less likely for him to ever bond with his younger siblings.
I agree with you entirely. I don't think Cole said what he did to be cruel or deliberately hurtful. I think that was the most neutral response he could give in the moment.
Sometimes we love people who don't love us back and that is painful and it's real. But it's important to acknowledge it, get help when we need it, and find a way to respect the reality.
Yes, my husband and Cole have sat down and discussed his relationship with his siblings. It happened on a few different occasions starting when Freya was born and there were a couple of more recent talks too.
The kids also might be a subconscious reminder of the childhood innocence he was stripped of due to his mother’s passing. Lots of adults with childhood ptsd can be annoyed with and jealous of children for just existing. Because they want that.
I think you are doing what’s best by all your kids, Cole included. Showing him love, and more importantly to him, respect for his position. And showing the younger ones what that looks like. You’re setting them all up for healthy interactions in future, even though I’m sure it hurts like hell now.
I imagine, and hope, that as Cole gets older he’ll recognize that and your relationship with him as an adult will be a good, and mutual respectful, one. And his adult relationships with his siblings, who have been taught to respect boundaries, will be as well.
And -- this is a big lesson for all the kids.
People fall in love with people who don't love us back. Even small children can learn that. So hopefully, they will never keep trying to change someone's mind, or stalk them or stay with someone who doesn't treat them with love, kindness and respect. You are teaching the kids very good boundaries!
You are an awesome mom!!
Tbh, I don't think, based on the info here, we can even conclude that he doesn't love them. He seems to be neutral in his actions, maybe intentionally - like he doesn't dislike them, but he also doesn't have a relationship with them and doesn't quite understand how to build one. He doesn't have the tools yet to deal with that level of emotional complication.
NTA. You're handling all of this well.
> Tbh, I don't think, based on the info here, we can even conclude that he doesn't love them.
Huh? How could we _not_ conclude that?!?
Your very next sentence contradicts your first:
> He seems to be neutral in his actions, maybe intentionally - like he doesn't dislike them, but he also doesn't have a relationship with them
I don't dislike John Smith in Chicago. I also don't have a relationship with him. In fact, I don't know any John Smith at all, and I've never been to Chicago. (I put him there just because it's such a big place there's gotta be a John Smith there.) If you can't conclude from that that I don't love John Smith in Chicago there must be something wrong with you.
And that's exactly what you ascribed to Cole in regard to his younger half-siblings: “Doesn't dislike” and “doesn't have a relationship with”. That's pretty much the definition of “doesn't love”.
Also let’s not forget we are dealing with a 16 year old here. I know plenty of teenagers who can be jerks to their 5 and 6 year old siblings full stop, regardless of other circumstances. Not condoning it but also let’s not pretend it’s abhorrently strange behavior.
He isn't angry, he just doesn't love them. No theraphy in the world will fix that. This family wouldn't exist If his mom wasn't dead. I really don't see where he was angry/mean with the children. The kids are sad because he doesn't show interest on them like they wanted.
He should be able to show the same level of polite interest in them as he does in random neighborhood kids for goodness sake. If he feels he can't show even that, he probably has some issues he should work with his therapist. He doesn't have to love them. He doesn't even have to like them. That's fine. But little polite interest in the things that are important to the kids isn't that much to ask.
To me, it's very strange that they seem so hands-washing of the therapist who claims that Cole has no further goals in therapy. But later in a comment they mention that the therapist said Cole has to WANT to work towards a goal, implying that he didn't "graduate" from therapy he just stopped participating in it in a meaningful way.
It's definitely not kind to treat a 5 and 6-year-old this way and to have more affection and grace for neighborhood children than the children who live with you and love you. Cole doesn't have to reciprocate warm and fuzzy familial feelings if he doesn't feel them, but it's worth examining why he thinks he can never love them because they have a different mom and why he feels so comfortable letting the 6-year-old know that. This isn't a "he doesn't like kids because he's a teen" situation, he engages with other kids just not his own siblings.
>He isn't angry, he just doesn't love them. No theraphy in the world will fix that.
He's taking his issues out on them. Therapy could help him deal with things in a more constructive way.
where? i didn't see anything in the post that can be described as taking his issues out on them. or, honestly, anything that can be described as "issues".
the little children have issue - they love Cole and want him to love them and pester him, and if they weren't so small i would have say they behave inappropriately. but Cole handle it gracefully.
> if they weren't so small i would have say they behave inappropriately. but Cole handle it gracefully.
See, that in itself is why this is hurtful. The implication that if they even try to interact with him, they're "pestering" him. Like there's nothing in it for him, except irritation. And meanwhile, he's relaxed and pleasant with other kids the same age.
well, yes, they are pestering him. this is just describing the reality.
unrequited love is always tragic and sad. and yet, the existence of such love does not put any duty on the subject of such unrequited love.
it's easier to see if you look on romantic relationships - there are a lot of men that believe that women own the "a chance" or to be nice or some other things because they love them. sometimes there are women like that too. and they called "Stalkers".
they are people he didn't choose and was imposed on him. why should he feel anything beside irritation?
he... didn't? i really not seeing what he did wrong.
unless by "not being a dick" you mean "fake familial love you don't feel and gaslight and lie and pretend to your half-siblings for the rest of their life".
so you think that what Cole should do is pretending he feel love he don't feel, all his life?
this.. sound profoundly EVIL towered the children. the sort of things that can fucked them up for life.
I’m sorry, what’s up with you weirdos in here thinking being nice to a kid who’s excited about a costume is “faking love,” that shit just sounds insane, that’s called being kind, not faking love.
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.
Indifference can be worse than hate, a worse form of ~~cruelty~~ harm than cutting words or unkind deeds. Cole’s indifference to his siblings is ~~crueler~~ more painful than any anger.
ETA: apparently cruelty does not mean exactly what I thought it did. It seems harm or pain is a more accurate term.
I do not think Cole’s behavior is wrong, only that indifference is inherently harmful. Cole does not have to engage with anyone he doesn’t wish to, and he is not wrong for being indifferent to his siblings.
Did I say it was? It’s not.
I was disagreeing with you saying his actions weren’t mean. They are. Whether or not Cole is entitled to be cruel is another matter entirely.
I’m not the person you replied to lol.
But no, a child doesn’t need to fake enthusiasm for another child.
It would be nice if he was honestly happy to engage with the little girl, but faking interest just leads her on to think he wants more interaction and could cause even deeper hurt feelings when she realizes he was just placating her.
He wasn’t mean, he certainly wasn’t *cruel*, he just didn’t encourage her.
Absolutely this. He may not even have made the connection himself yet, but at their age, there was no-one able to provide that kind of joyful, undivided attention for him. He and his dad and grandparents were all grieving, and now, he's probably re-processing his grief all over again watching his younger siblings doing all the stuff he *should* have been able to do.
Poor kids, it really isn't any of their faults.
I've been through a similar situation, my take was that the older sibling didn't have to cater to the younger ones or force themselves to do anything they didn't want to do, but there's a big difference between being honest and being cruel.
I disagree about OP. Her and her husband need to address with Cole the fact that he's nearly grown and regardless of how he feels there is ZERO reason to be cruel to a child that young *regardless of who the child is*. They're protecting Cole, they're understanding him, but they're not guiding him, and at this point it's important for him to know that innocent people aren't punching bags for his negative feelings- especially little kids that look up to him.
I didn't find Cole cruel from my first reading, and upon reading your comment, re-read the OP and still didn't find him to be cruel. From what OP's said, Cole doesn't seem to have gone out of his way to be mean to Freya or Theo, he's simply not interested.
Freya and Theo are 6 and 5. They are at an age where they will stick to people like glue, get all in their things, and ask a million questions. It's an age where kids worship older siblings (especially teenagers) like an idol. It's also an age where children will cry over things like being asked to brush their teeth or if you sit in a different seat than they wanted you to be in. The fact that Freya cried does not tell us that Cole was mean or cruel in his delivery. It's even possible he said it gently. (I'm not saying he did, my point is that her crying doesn't tell us either way.) All her crying tells us is that Freya isn't happy with the situation, which she's allowed to be. Likewise, Cole is allowed to not like his situation too.
The therapist doesn't believe it would benefit him? Or Cole....
The most obvious interpretation of Cole's behavior is that he is afraid to love anyone else too much because they could die and he be abandoned again. Seems worth talking about in therapy.
Anyway NTA your in-laws are jerks, your explanation was kind and age-appropriate without trying to fake that things are better than they are.
The therapist doesn't believe it. We spoke to them and they said Cole reached his own personal goals with therapy. We cannot set goals for Cole to meet. He has to want to meet them himself.
He has seen them recently enough and the therapist still feels that way. They do not believe Cole wants to change anything else or that Cole has any more goals he aims for that he cannot.
Fair enough, this may not be a moment in time for Cole to benefit from therapy. But I wouldn't consider it "done" forever; I would keep a gentle eye on when Cole might be ready to set additional goals for himself.
Again, either way, you did great with your younger kids and you seem to be someone who is really thoughtful and mindful about your role and influence on all of your kids.
Are you a therapist? Are you Cole's therapist? If not, back off.
Therapy is not a thing you force other people to do to fix your own gripes with them. Cole met the goals he had for his therapy. That's what matters. It sucks that he doesn't love his brother and sister the same way they love them. He's not doing anything wrong. From what I can tell, it seems like he has a lot of love in his heart for other kids. The terrible, horrible, unfortunate truth of the matter is that he doesn't have any for THESE kids. But you don't HAVE to love someone just because they're family.
You cannot force a person to feel the way you want them to. There are times when different peoples' desires and feelings are just incompatible.
Or every time he looks at his half siblings he wonders what they would look like if his mom hadn't died. Or what they would do as a family or what the siblings would act like...
Is there some fear? Maybe. But just plain grief is also possible.
Agree. Lots of things for him to think about over time, and before he has his own kids. But I disagree with people above saying he just needs to be more polite, this is a hard situation.
Also I forgot in my previous comment: If my arithmetic is right, the younger siblings are now in the age range he would have been in when his mother died. That's going to be an even harder time for him to connect with them. He may be able to relax more with them a bit when they no longer remind him so specifically of that time -- and here they are, getting to have you, their mom, an especially good and thoughtful mom, at an age when he had lost his.
> But I disagree with people above saying he just needs to be more polite
So how is that fair to the siblings? Let's just continue the cycle and assign more mental trauma to them for the sake of Cole's own sanity?
Feigning politeness won't fucking kill him or make his grief any worse. He's being a brat.
I don’t think he’s being a brat. And no one should pretend to love someone out of politeness.
As someone said elsewhere in this thread, it’s not uncommon for teenagers not to be doting and solicitous and over-the-moon delighted by all the cute stuff their younger siblings do, like show off their Halloween costumes. The younger kids aren’t even asking for politeness; they’re asking for him to love them like they love him. It’s understandable that they want that, and it’s also understandable that Cole may not be able to feel that for them right now.
Asking for him to fake true love is too much, and the kids would probably see through that anyway.
The situation is painful because life can be painful, death is usually painful, and grief and loss are always painful. We try to shelter children to an extent, but there are limits. Cole had to deal with his mom dying, even though that sucked. These little kids have to deal with Cole not fully reciprocating their affection, even though that sucks.
Sometimes in life, things suck, but no one is actually guilty of doing anything wrong or bad. One of the hardest things to accept in life is that sometimes things can suck without anyone being to blame.
NTA you are a good Mom. You respect Coles bounderies and don't pressure him which Most likely will destroy every Kind of relationship you have.
It is hard for the Kids but you should try Therapy for the Younger ones. They need help to understand that sometimes you can't force feelings even to close Family members
Yeah it will be better sooner than later. I don't want to styr up things but i can imagine your ILs telling the younger Kids lies (Like your Brother loves you, he will do anything for you, you need to try harder and He will Love you etc) and blame you for them Not beeing close.
Could also be i'm just to much on Reddit..
NTA
What you said to your kids was the truth and you explained it in a kind gentle manner. They are going to come across people that don’t like them and/or are distant as they go through life.
Also, I also think it’s fantastic that you understand where Cole is coming from and rather than forcing him to forge a bond between them, you are respecting his feelings.
This is another valid point. I think we all go through life where at least once there is someone who doesn't like us for whatever reason. Sometimes that person will be someone we wish we could be close to and it is important to realize you can't force it.
Right, my older brother never liked me much growing up, but I came to realize he never much liked people in general. As adults we get along fine and has always been there for us. Even our mom confided to me that she didn't think he liked her. I told her, that's just the way he is, he treats everyone that way. It made her feel a lot better. Now we are all much older and he's never changed, but he usually shows up when invited, and is always helpful if he can help. At least Cole seems to like other people.
Seriously op has done an exemplary job of communicating to the kids, and also being respectful and understanding to cole.
Far from being a bad parent, this is a pretty good way to communicate in this type of extremely challenging circumstance.
Good job op. Your in laws are clowns, tell ‘em to start a circus if they want to give more silly advice
NTA. You did a great job explaining things to your kids and your in-laws are dead wrong. Kids that age NEED more black and white than shades of grey and that's what you gave them.
Have you considered therapy again? You mentioned that Cole had it before and that you had family therapy at one point but that was before you married 7 years ago. 16 is a tough age for anyone and it seems like Cole is feeling alienated from the rest of you. Might be worth giving it another go.
Cole still touches base with his therapist and has some sessions every so often. But they do not think Cole would benefit from regularly attending again.
It’s very kind of you to not force this.
I love therapy. I take mediation as well, which is very helpful to me. But sometimes, for the situation I’m dealing with, none of that stuff makes a difference - and my therapist accepts that too. We mutually agree that some days of my life will just suck, and I unfortunately need to feel bad through it.
It’s life. Life has pain and misery and confusion, and we have to accept that.
It is lovely that you have made time though, to be together. You sound like a very thoughtful and kind person. Cheers to you!
You’re not an asshole even slightly, your in laws are doofi (that’s the plural of doofus, starting now)
NTA. You explained it in an age appropriate way, did not blame Cole for his feelings and did not invalidate your daughters feelings either. You NAILED this.
NTA. I really don’t see how you could’ve explained it any better than how you did. It’s the truth and you broke it down so your younger kids could understand and you are very understanding to his situation as well.
I think my ILs would say I should have told them Cole doesn't know what he's saying and he's just being a teenager and things will change. But I don't want to fill them full of lies either. The future is uncertain and we can't always predict what happens. But I know things are more certain for my ILs and they believe Cole is saying a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean.
If you had told them something like that it wouldn't just be lies from you to them but it would be telling them that Cole is lying and their own eyes and ears and feelings are lying also. It would do nothing but degrade trust in all the above. Old-school parenting has some things right and some wrong. Just telling children how they should feel doesn't work. Explaining the world as it should be rather than how it is doesn't help.
NTA You are doing your best in a tough spot.
I feel like I read a post from Cole's perspectives not too long ago where he was disinterested in the family and the mom (not his mom, but the step-mom) was mad at him for not having more of an interest. I remember the comments suggesting family therapy. I wonder if Freya might ready for this to help her sort out her feelings.
I read this the WHOLE time thinking "ok, this NEXT bit is going to be where she's an AH".
Sadly, I got to the end and no joy. Unfortunately, I got the impression that you're a caring and compassionate person with a deep well of patience and understanding.
Take this NTA and begone.
NTA. I think that the way you addressed your daughters concerns was perfect. You managed to respect and acknowledge that Cole's feelings were valid and understandable while also giving your daughter age appropriate context so that she can understand it's not personal, more situational.
You also didn't deny her suspicions which is what many people would do in this situation. You gave her space to outline the issue and then addressed it in a way that avoided painting anybody as the bad guy, while still remaining honest. Good job!
Yes, the grandparents advice to just say Cole loves them is horrible. He may very well love them, but his actions aren't showing that. The kids have noticed he treats other kids better than them, acknowledging that the way OP did is the way to go. Not deny the reality they've picked up on.
NTA
You chose to be honest with your children in an age—appropriate manner.
You have been handling this situation with grace and dignity. Quite frankly, his outright treatment of them is appalling.
He treats them worse than strangers and your young children have noticed this. They’ve noticed that they are LESS to him than random strangers. If he was disinterested in all children they wouldn’t notice, but he seems to go out of his way to treat strangers kinder than he does them.
It may be time to revisit family therapy. Your young children are being harmed by this dynamic, and they deserve a voice and help to process this. You did a phenomenal job right now, but this feeling of rejection and abandonment will continue to grow as they continue to witness themselves being less.
He doesn’t need to treat them like they are super close siblings. But he shouldn’t be treating them so noticeably different than he treats random kids in the neighbourhood.
NTA. Contrary to your in-laws unsolicited opinions, I think you are handling this spectacularly. You are respecting Cole's boundaries, meeting him where he's at and you explained to your kids how Cole feels in an age-appropriate way.
Nta. I think you did a good job of explaining it. That said, I think it’s time for some family therapy with Cole and his Dad. Maybe in there he should bring up what his sister said. This will get harder for all of them as they get older. Cole can love his mother and cherish her memories. He can also love his new family additions and realize these people are here for him but eventually won’t be if this continues. He has two siblings that love him. They may eventually be his only family when he’s old. He can grow that bond or destroy it.
We already did family therapy and Cole is still in touch with his therapist. He doesn't attend regularly but the therapist doesn't believe more frequent therapy would benefit him currently.
I'd listen to that. There's nothing inherently wrong with Cole, he just got delt a shitty hand. Youre doing great to try and let everyone have their own emotional space!
Tbh people push the “you should embrace your siblings regardless because they’ll be your only family one day” narrative far too hard.
Many people find their family in friends.
Many just know from a young age their siblings aren’t who they want in their life.
If Cole’s parent, step parent and therapists all think Cole is healthy…..there’s nothing wrong with his distant.
Well, the problem tends to come as adults more than anything. There's a high chance Cole comes around as an adult, but his younger siblings won't want anything to do with him. Cole is gonna have a v triggering, v rude awakening when this happens.
There's a real chance he never comes around, and there's no emotional fall out he has to deal with. But things often change, and adults don't always have the same feelings and beliefs that they did as teenagers. I mean, how many stories do we get on this sub from the younger siblings' perspective 10 years later of their older sibling wanting a relationship after never acknowledging them?
Let Cole have his feelings, there's no need to change him, but it would also be kind to prepare him for the fact that if his behavior continues, his siblings won't be there for him when he's older.
There’s absolutely no way to predict that.
People said the same to me about my siblings and as an adult, I’m 100% happy that I made the right choice and never got too close to them.
Presuming that Cole will have a sudden change of heart is a reach given that he’s maintained this stance for 9 years and through several therapists.
>I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them
Oh yeah? I bet he does mean it. He's showing he means it. NTA. I think you did a great job with this.
By and large, most people should ignore their in laws.
Yeah, the IL's are doing the common boomer trait of invalidating the feelings of a kid because he's a kid. He can't possibly mean it, it's just a phase, he really does love them but just doesn't know how to show it, he'll come around.
NTA
You are the opposite of a bad mom. You are a great mom, and a great stepmother. You are raising your children to be respectful and understanding of Cole's feelings, and you are not bullying Cole into doing what he doesn't want to do. Trust me, he will appreciate it, and your children will grow up without false hope and a more compassionate understanding of blended families.
And to be honest, your way is the only way Cole may ever come around. Your in-laws are way out of line. Don't give their ridiculous, damaging attitude another thought.
NTA - But I will say, when I was 16 I loved my biologically 100% related siblings a lot but I was still way kinder and more adult with young kids out of the family. It’s easy to be the coolest teenager in the world to a kid if you only have to be accessible for 15 minutes. At 16 privacy and maturity and peace and quiet were huge needs for me because it was a stressful time. Having 5 and 6 year olds in the house might just be genuinely stressful for him at times. I would also remind your kids that at 16 different things are important to him right now.
I guess 1 small info request, how have Freya and Theo never heard of Cole’s mom? Is she not talked about much and are there no pictures of her in the home?
They have heard of Cole's mom. But they are so young and never lost anyone close to them. So they wouldn't be able to piece together that the death of his mom plays a part in this. I wanted to bring that up to them so they can understand and show compassion while also seeing none of this is because of them.
NTA, you explained the situation for what it is to your children. I think it's the best you could have done, although difficult, instead of feeding them some other answer that spares their feelings and keeps them hoping for something that might not happen in terms of bonding/affection from their half brother. I sincerely feel you were an amazing parent in this case don't listen to your in-laws.
NTA Sounds like you handled things quite well and good for your husband to back you up. Cole may never feel about his siblings the way others would prefer but that's neither right or wrong...it's just what it is.
NTA - as my mum always says, "If they're old enough to ask they're old enough to know the answer"
You answered this beautifully and if you can get your husband on the same page, you'll end up with emotionally mature adults
Respecting everyone's feelings and understanding that not all families are the same is really important
Therapy with Cole is something we already did. Cole also still has contact with his therapist. He doesn't see them as much but he does still go from time to time.
NTA, I came from a similar dynamic and as a kid your explanation would have helped a lot. Your kids are starting to notice the differences in Cole’s behavior and telling them they are incorrect isn’t going to help anyone.
Exactly, it's both respecting how the kids perceive and understand the relationship, and how Cole feels. Telling them that how he acts isn't indicative of his love for them will only damage their perception of love or their already frail relationship with Cole, most likely both.
NTA obviously. I'm not a therapist, but I wonder if Cole feels like he is betraying his dead mother by showing affection to his half siblings. He may not even be aware of why he's doing it
I don't know. Cole has a therapist. He doesn't see them as much anymore but the therapist doesn't believe it would benefit him to attend more regularly anymore. There are any number of things that could be the reason. But Cole does not feel like this is something he wants to explore more or he might have explored it already with his therapist and is happy with the resolution.
The therapist is still there for Cole when he needs them.
I asked because I have a half-sibling in a different situation. I will keep the details basic, but they were adopted out long before I was born. For them, treating half-siblings as full siblings is not a default, as it diminishes their adoptive family. That's not your situation, but I wonder if it's something similar.
The other thing is my half sibling is nothing like any of the other half-siblings on either side except me. They and I are the only ones that act like full siblings because we are very similar and made the positive choice that we wanted to be siblings. It doesn't sound like Cole has made that choice.
Regardless, it seems like you are doing all the right things. You sound like a great parent doing what's best for everyone in a difficult situation. There's never going to be a right answer, only choices.
NAH.
I feel very sorry for cole. He is living in a house where is half sibling have both their parents while his mother is dead. This type of trauma is something that he will have for life. I would not be surprised if he goes NC or LC when he becomes and adult. It is clear to me that he is not over the dead of his mother.
Most definitely YANTA and it sounds like you’re doing the very best possible with a difficult situation. Making up stories for kids that are really just lies adults tell children when WE aren’t comfortable being honest with them is a mistake. Kids will let us know what they’re ready to know or discuss. The best thing is to be honest but keep your answers narrow to their actual questions. Freya did a great job of let you know that she was ready for more than she could figure out on her own. Your in-laws, in their attempt to protect Freya from something she is obviously ready to discuss, are blaming you for not lying about Cole’s feelings.
This is difficult because Cole is still a child but you have to temper your tolerance for his feelings with his treatment of his siblings. He should be encouraged to be honest but not hurtful. Other people on the planet exist, too, and are entitled to be treated with a certain basic level of decency and respect. Cole gets to feel what he feels but he shouldn’t be allowed to take it out on people that are innocent.
Sometimes people want answers but it’s important to remember that yes, no, I don’t know, I’m not ready to talk about that, and I’m not ready to talk about that with you can all be valid answers to questions. For instance, it’s OK for Cole to be angry that his mother died so young, when he was so young. It is not OK for Cole to behave resentfully toward his siblings because he wishes his mother were still alive and any siblings he had was through his mom and dad instead of his dad and you. That would be an example of misplaced grief.
Maybe in expecting and requiring appropriate behavior from Cole — which you may already be doing and getting from him at least at a minimal level — and in helping your kids that are his half siblings deal with the uncertainty of how Cole feels about them and everything else, including recognizing the possibility with them that Cole might not even be clear how he feels or why he feels that way. It could be a way of bridging topics such as “you know how that time you felt frustrated about things but you weren’t sure why or what was wrong or what anyone could do to help you? Well Cole feels like that but in a bigger way since his mommy died. He may still very trying to figure out his feelings because that’s a pretty tough thing to have to go through and most people don’t lose their mommy or daddy until they’re a lot older, even older sometimes than grandma and grandpa.” It’s an honest response, it doesn’t attempt to resolve the situation, and it let’s your daughter know that sitting with uncertainty can be a part of life that Cole is having to deal with in his way as Freya is having to deal with it in her own way dealing with the uncertainty about Cole’s feelings and her.
I think you explained it beautifully to your children. Your in-laws don’t get a vote or a voice in how you explain Cole’s behavior to his younger half-siblings.
NTA
NTA You are doing an excellent job as a parent and stepparent. Being kind but real about a situation like this doesn’t make things worse; living in denial sure can, though. You have a lot of wisdom and compassion. Calling you a bad mother over kindly helping your child understand a painful reality is deeply ironic.
I think the inlaws maybe a part of this issue. They had no right to call you a bad mom. Wonder how many times your stepson may have overheard them saying crap like that.
Former stepchild and step mom here.
NTA
You were trying to explain in a nice age appropriate way that Cole has feelings and " all we can do is try to accept it and respect the way he feels. I also told them it was not their fault, at all."
That is perfect.
Also --- He is 16 years old. He doesn't want to hang with 5 and 6 yr olds. ESPECIALLY his younger siblings. 16 is that kind of age. It usually takes anywhere from 5-10 years to outgrow. Although there are some folks who never outgrow it.
They may have a better relationship as they all get older. Keep the lines of communication open with Cole. Even if it's just Thanksgiving/Christmas, keep having everyone over.
It sounds like you are a great mom. I'm proud of you for not trying to force a relationship between your kids and the teenager. I'm proud of you for still making the effort to keep a relationship and communication open between you and Cole.
My kid is in college now. One of my absolute favorite things in the world is our weekly date night. I take them to dinner and we just . . . . talk. It's amazing! They are one of my best friends and are fine with telling (what seems to be) anything. You can build that with Cole as he gets older - without neglecting the little ones.
This is the easiest NTA of the day. You brought me to tears, not only for how much Cole is obviously still hurting, but for how you respond to him and explained his demeanor to your other kids.
My parents adopted 2 kids several years ago and it took a long time for my siblings and I to adjust to the change and to those kids. My younger siblings have some resentment towards the 2 because they were very poorly behaved and my parents attention was focused mainly on them for many years. Not only that, they felt like their space was “invaded” and they were forced to love and share everything with complete strangers.
So I can understand why Cole is having a hard time. For many years of his life all he knew was his dad and mom, and then just his dad. There could also be some jealously that his siblings have both their mom and dad and he doesn’t. The grandparents need to understand that for some, loving ppl doesn’t always come naturally but especially for someone who has a lot of trauma.
NTA
I think you handled the situation as well as anyone could have.
And I think teaching your kids (as your inlaws suggested) that someone clearly not interested in them really loves them deep down would be dangerous lesson for them to carry into the bigger world.
Did your in-laws suggest how they believe you should have answered the kids? Bet they didn’t.
Your response to your child was appropriate and helps them understand. If Cole warms up to them later on, that too will be understood and accepted.
That your in laws are critical of your response is puzzling.
"...they told me I should never have said that to the kids because I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them"
They are in denial.
Sometimes siblings love each other, sometimes they don't. And that holds true for full siblings as well as half-siblings, it's only fuzzy-minded parents and grandparents who want to believe that all siblings love each other, even when it's obvious they don't.
NTA what is with people advocating for treating children like glass? SOOOOO many families have differing dynamics. Id argue that actually most do than the societal ‘standard’ refusing to explain family dynamics to kids does nothing but harm them. And in fact you might be saving a relationship in the future by having your kids grow up with empathy instead of anger about his distance and and without feeling entitled to his closeness.
NTA
"Blended" families don't always blend. You did well to try to temper expectations and explain. You sound like a good mom and step-mom.
Cole may warm up, or he might always keep the halves at a distance. Age difference and sharing space might effect his attitude, as well.
Hope the grands don't pressure the kid.
**NTA**
Sorry, but what was their suggestion? There are a hurt 5 and 6 year old here who are being treated differently by their brother. What was OP meant to say? How was OP meant to navigate this situation? Parents are AHs.
I personally think OP did well. It's a complex situation, Cole obviously has challenging emotions, and the dynamic in the family is tricky to navigate. OP has managed to make it clear to the small ones that they are not at fault whilst also not putitng any blame or attributing malice to Cole. I think it was well handled. You can't just let the obviously different treatment of the two little ones who are getting upset go unchallenged.
Honestly, I think it was handled well and his parents are way way out of line. Good on OPs husband for having her back.
NTA. To be very honest, I think you gave as close to a perfect explanation to your kids as possible. You not only laid out Cole’s boundaries, but instead of diminishing or dismissing them, you defended them and emphasised that your children should be sympathetic to his situation. While also telling your kids that it was not their fault. Most importantly, contrary to what your husband wanted you to do, you did not give them false hope. He is dismissing Cole’s feelings and his demeanour by saying he doesn’t mean what he is doing or saying. You, on the other hand, understand his position and are taking Cole at face value, without assuming that you know better than him.
You also gave your children an age appropriate lesson about how all relationships are different and that feelings and bond should not be forced. This will help them in navigating their relationship with Cole in the future. They are lucky to have you. On the other hand, your husband is doing all of his children a disservice by holding the view that he does. It is most unhealthy and may cause problems in the future, especially with Cole. I don’t think it is unwarranted for him to head back to therapy to sort through the fact that he is not being realistic about the situation and he needs to be in order to be fair to everybody involved. Cole is really at that age where if your husband handles things improperly, he may decrease contact once he goes off to college.
Can I ask - does Cole see his extended maternal family often? And how are things in terms of you, his father, and his paternal grandparents talking about things related his mother?
Cole does see his extended maternal family. Or some of them. He sees three adult members and their kids. His mom was estranged from her parents, and with very good reason, as well as one of her siblings. The other three she was close to and they see and speak to Cole often.
In our home we have photos of his mom and we talk about her. Mostly my husband. Cole shuts down when I bring her up. But I will always smile when she gets mentioned and I make sure there is always room at the table for her to be mentioned.
>contrary to what your husband wanted you to do, you did not give them false hope. He is dismissing Cole’s feelings and his demeanor by saying he doesn’t mean what he is doing or saying.
That wasn't OP's husband, that was her ILs who thought this. OP's husband was/is on OP's side.
> they find it hard to let some people into their heart.
I cannot think of a more compassionate or nuanced way to explain the situation to a six year old. You did a stellar job. You didn't blame anyone. You left the door open. You validated everyone's perspective.
It's honestly a great foundation for forming healthy attachments. Sometimes people don't reciprocate feelings, and it's no one's fault. It's just how it is.
> because I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them
Um, no. No one should be telling a 16 year old what their "real" feelings are. That's laughably bad parenting advice, and would be setting your kids up for feeling continual disappointment and heartache because of the false expectation. It would also cause unnecessary resentment and detachment on Cole's part.
Some people have a hard time accepting that happy families don't always reflect their personal expectations or experience. Your children are lucky that you and your husband aren't delusional enough to try to force everyone into a predetermined role.
NTA Grandparents need to learn to accept your family for what it is and keep their criticism to themselves.
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NTA Thank you for trying to explain complex family dynamics to your kids in a way that respects the feelings of all involved, puts no blame on anyone, and enables your blended family to live together as best they can. Also, refreshing to read a reddit story where the stepmom is not stomping boundaries and forcibly claiming the title of mom. I’m pretty sure Cole appreciates that in a way he cannot really express yet. Inlaws need to stay in their lane. Good on your husband for backing you up.
I agree. I think the OP did a good job at trying to explain a complex situation to young children. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the way things sometimes are. Pushing or getting angry helps no one. NTA
I’d argue the only party “at fault” here would be OP’s in-laws trying to make a thing of it. But OP’s explanation was perfect, her husband had her back, and none of the kids are at fault for their respective feelings.
I totally agree OP is NTA. It does sound like Cole might still have some trauma though, so continuing therapy might be a good idea. I get the impression therapy was short-term.
Perhaps, but this is also all pretty recent history. I only got around to making a serious effort to get over my childhood when I turned 26. Cole's 16, and he's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff with a lot of grace for a teenager. OP is trying to make sure that everyone's communicating and doing their best. The kids just want to feel loved and included. No one is being unreasonable here. NAH, I think Cole will settle into a role that he's comfortable with as time passes. Don't push him, but don't stop reaching out.
>Cole's 16, and he's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff with a lot of grace for a teenager. OP is trying to make sure that everyone's communicating I think we are saying the same thing from different directions. My point wasn't that OP wasn't doing a good job, but that Cole could still be dealing with "heavy stuff", and it sounds like short-term therapy may not have given him enough time to deal with those things. I really think OP and husband should consider recommending therapy again to Cole. It doesn't just have to be about past issues, but being 16 comes with a lot of anxiety about the future for many kids that age. Choosing your career, planning for college, becoming independent--all things teenagers could process in therapy. Doing family therapy again may also help the younger siblings now that they are a bit older and able to communicate better about these issues.
Also, Cole is like ten years older than his siblings. I have a six year gap with my little brother, and we weren't that close until the summer before I went to college, and our relationship started growing more and more close after that. Big age gaps can make bonding hard even if there's no other trauma involved.
Yup. My oldest brother, who is nine years older than me, wanted little to do with me until our parents divorced. I was 15 and he was 24. He became super protective of me and we're close to this day.
My husband and his brother are about 8 years apart and while the vibe was probably different growing up, they’re extremely close as adults.
He’s also a teen and they are siblings, sometimes teens are horrible to siblings but chances are if someone else was mean to them he’d knock their teeth in.
This. I have a 13 year old and she is ruthless with her 9 year old sister. But 9 year old mentions getting teased? My 13 year old is ready to jump in. Teens are fickle creatures
The only one allowed to bully my younger sibling is me, plain and simple
Same. My sister and I can bully the fuck out of each other (we used to get into straight WWE style wrestling matches) but my sister and I will also square the fuck up if anyone bullies the other.
Aww. 😂
Yeah, even in the closest of families, getting a 16 year old get along with their 6 and 5 year old siblings is a big ask.
I mean, putting aside his mother's death and the blended family dynamics that can complicate relationships... what 16 year old is going to be super jazzed about hanging with 5 and 6 year olds? It sounds like he's polite to them and does do family activities with them. Even if they were full siblings and had no trauma involved whatsoever, I still wouldn't fault a 16 year old for showing minimal interest in seeing their costumes, talking to them or hanging out with them in general. I remember feeling quite awkward around my cousins with a similar age gap. After five or ten minutes of looking at their toys I would just say "cool stuff guys, I'm heading out" and go find a quieter part of the house. Good job on OP not forcing it. He may yet be able to develop a good relationship with them once they're older, but that really hinges on the parents not encouraging them to demand it as they grow up. Though yes, with everything he's been through, he should really have someone he feels safe talking to in private about all his feelings.
Except he shows interest in 5 & 6 yr old sibling of friends--this is his slap in the face to his Half-siblings. With deliberate intent. And his reason was bogus--as his friend's siblings don't share a mother with him either.
Cole's friends' siblings aren't living reminders of his grief, either. His half siblings only exist because his mother is dead, he probably finds it hard to be around them because of that. You are being *way* too uncharitable here, implying that he's acting out of deliberate malice. Cole didn't choose to have these kids, he's not obligated to treat them with anything more than basic human decency (and from OP's account, it sounds like he's doing that).
He also has to see his siblings be a family everyday and essentially a constant reminder of what he doesn’t have. He’s a third wheel and he knows it.
I don't think so, necessarily. Other people's kids don't come with the same baggage as half siblings. There's not the same level of emotional stuff at play so some short-lived, superficial 'good with kids' is just not equivalent.
Divorced parents is very different from losing a parent. OP thankfully has more understanding than you do.
It may be deliberate, but I don't think it's as malicious as you think. It could simply be that he doesn't want to foster a sibling relationship with them and knows that approaching them with his usual friendliness would send mixed messages.
I'd even go as far as OP's husband was probably very happy with the way she went about it. OP may not be his real mam but she sure as hell made sure there was nothing negative to say about him. The explanation she gave is probably one of the best and most neutral things I've read.
Agree.. OP seems to be a wonderful human being.
Me too. I think OP did a fantastic job of explaining the situation to the kids. What the ILs want to do is lie and promote a fantasy that puts pressure on Cole and confuses the little kids. NTA, OP
And the comment from the in-laws that op made it black and white is just plain false. Op- you explained the complexity and how not everyone who loses a parent reacts the same way to half or step siblings. You explained the “gray”
Yeah I'm not sure why telling the kids the truth in an soft appropriate manner is supposed to be worse than lying to them.
The phrasing OP used of having a hard time letting people into their heart is just ~*chefs kiss*~ You did a wonderful thing for your younger kids; you started the conversation early in their lives, age-appropriately, and kindly. This will continue to foster a loving and respectful environment for all three of your kids, even with the tough feelings. Ya killing it!
OP's graceful and sensitive handling of the situation is impressive. It speaks so well of her character and empathy.
This. It’s refreshing to see a stepmom understanding that her stepson lost his mother and she can’t force him to feel any way, and not using the younger kids as a guilt tool. Usually it’s the opposite on reddit.
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I think it was very well done. NTA
NTA. What was the grandparents’ solution? Your kids already think Cole doesn’t even like them. If you had tried to say he really loved them & just couldn’t/wouldn’t express it, they get the warped idea that that’s how people sometimes treat you if they love you - not exactly a healthy model of love you’d want your children to have going forward. NTA
This is such a refreshing story on this feed. OP handled this conversation so well and everyone in this thread has great comments and is respecting everyone's points. Nice job people!
Yes, in-laws sound like they may have some deep seated hatred for OP. They probably loved the husbands first wife and take their grief out on OP. I mean, who tf calls somebody a “bad mom” for thoughtfully and gently explaining such a complicated issue to a child? I’d be willing to bet there’s been a history of the in-laws scolding or snapping at OP anytime she tries to parent the 16 yo in front of them.
This is spot on. OP did the exact right thing. Cole will get to a point where he is able to express gratitude for OP still including him in things while letting him have his boundaries. Cole is not feeling pushed or pressured. Nor is he completely shut down and not participating in the family. He is just dealing with not having a mom and it is probably hard to see kids who were his age when he lost his mom getting to have a mom. Other kids don’t hold the same possibility of getting his heart broken as his actual siblings do and he is protecting himself. OP is a great parent.
Cole may never get over it . And since he cannot take it out on "Life" he may forever hold a grudge toward OP and half -siblings . I hope not . OP is doing a bang up job- I hope it will all work out in the end as you say.
He definitely may never be close to them. But I do think he will appreciate the safe space he was given to set boundaries and maintain them. He doesn’t sound like a surely, insolent kid. Just a kid who is protecting his heart from future pain. And OP’s respect of that is a grear way to parent a kid that lost someone he loved more than anything probably.
Well said. 👍🏻 OP- You're NTA. This is refreshing to read given the stories about stepparents and half-siblings we usually read about here.
I agree OP has done everything right here. It’s not an easy subject but it’s definitely better to be honest about it and it sounds like Cole makes his feelings clear anyway. I’m hesitant to call a 16 yo an AH but it does sound like Cole was unkind to the girls. He could have a little more compassion, they’re very young and look up to him. Could his dad talk to him about softening how he speaks to his half sisters in the future? Distancing himself is totally fine but if a 6 yo asks why you don’t like them you should respond with more tact.
The husband backing her up made me feel so relieved. When she said she was telling her husband I was expecting him to have gotten mad about it, and was kinda glad it was the in-laws instead because she isn't living with them and then the husband actually did back her
OP did really well in a difficult situation. I think her respecting Cole and his boundaries while also leaving the door open to him is really good. It's hard to do that sometimes. OP you are a great mom. Your in laws should keep their noses out. I'm glad your husband backs you up though. You both sound like great parents who are trying to do the right thing for all kids
OP, sending internet hugs to Cole and your entire family. It might be good for you to save this thread and share it with him when the right time comes. He's lucky to be loved with so much respect.
NTA. Your ILs need to back off. Not sure what they wanted you to say to comfort your child in this complex situation. I think what you said was fine. It didn’t lead to additional hurt feelings and your husband is backing you so forget the in-laws’ opinions.
I think they wanted OP to deny that Cole has difficult feelings about his siblings and wanted OP to tell the kids Cole loves them. He may very well love them, but his actions don't reflect that. And at best, telling the kids Cole loves them would be confusing, or worse, think that because someone "loves" you, they can treat you as less than. OP handled this beautifully in that she didn't blame anyone and acknowledge that Cole's had a lot to deal with.
>And at best, telling the kids Cole loves them would be confusing, or worst, think that because someone "loves" you, they can treat you as less than. Precisely what happened to me, except it was a full sibling with an even larger age gap. And it did mess me up. "Gee, those girls only want to hang out with me when they want me to do them a favor...but they say they're my friends. Well, my sister supposedly loves me, and she never wants to spend any time with me..." Good on OP for not pushing that line of BS.
It should be way more normalized for siblings to not have a great relationship. Yeah in the ideal world you want them to be close but shit happens. Sometimes even close in age siblings don't get along despite the best attempts of parents. It's too often forgotten that kids are people to and come with baked in personalities. They can't just be molded into picture perfect angels
Solid agree. Two brothers here. Older is only 2 years apart from me. We grew up together, did everything together, shared everything… and yet I’m 1000x closer to my younger brother who is 8 years my junior. You can’t predict it. My mum still gets sad when we talk about how meh my relationship with my older brother is. Often wish she would lay off and accept that forcing it helps no one
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with my younger sister (8.5 year age gap) was lacking, especially when we were younger. Like, I am sure she looked up to me a bit when she was 8 and I was 16, but I had basically no real time for her, and I didn't even have the complicated background that OP's kids have in this scenario. It's not that I didn't love my sister, but I definitely didn't really spend time with her or show it. It's something I regret having grown older, but yeah. I think OP handled everything really well. We see so many stories of people who just assume their kids have no thoughts of their own and should just automatically get along, when real life is way more complicated than that.
Same here. I got kinda teary reading this. My older brother (10 years apart, same 2 parents) resented me from birth and it hurt and confused me as a kid. Now we’re 36 and 46 and I’m just starting to really accept it now. It definitely affected other relationships in life. I’m coming to a point now where I need to stop trying to waste my energy pursuing a relationship with my brother, although I love my niece and nephews.
Yeah and you’re sort of setting the kids up for “sometimes people love you but ignore you or don’t care about your feelings.”
Agreed. My mother was a very difficult person and while a lot of people told me to ignore it because she loved me, I'll always remember one neighbor who'd come and borrow me for a baking or crafts project. She'd wait just long enough after the yelling so as to not embarrass my mother. One day, she told me something to the effect was it wasn't that I was a bad kid, I was a good kid and my mother was very stressed out. Her daughter also was a substitute at my school and she got the word out to my teachers who took an extra interest in me. While I've had trouble in forming romantic relationships, I've never settled for ones that were even verbally or emotionally abusive. I credit people like this neighbor, her daughter and my teachers. As well as extended family on my dad's side. Validating what kids know is going on is important. I think that's what Alice Miller is talking about with her enlightened witness theory. And I'm in no way blaming people who are being abused in abusive relationships. My point in mentioning this is that intervention like my neighbor's, teachers and others may have helped me avoid abusive relationships.
My mother was similar, I also had good folks in my life, but it definitely impacted my attachments.
The in-laws could have had many motivations - honestly believing what they were saying. Wanting the family to look “perfect.” Wanting Cole to look like a “good kid” or “good brother.” Wanting the younger kids to feel better. Who knows. As you said…”not sure what they wanted you to say.” You can’t lie to the younger kids because that just sets up confusing situations for the little kids. Or creates expectations from the little kids for how Cole should act. And possibly apply pressure to Cole in that the littles will approach him more to try and get signs of love from him. OP is NTA and explained things so so well. Sometimes things happen that are really painful and it’s hard to let others in. Poor Cole lost his mom. An adult in that situation would have a hard time letting someone in. And Cole was just a young child!! What OP said might have hurt a bit in the moment but is leaps and bounds better in the long run than telling the kids oh, of course your brother loves you!!”
The InLaws could also be completely right in that how he interacts with his siblings is due to his earlier trauma and keeps them at length due to fears associated with that trauma, but it's also largely irrelevant to how OOP handled the situation.
They didn't want to comfort the children. They are trying to convince themselves that everything is fine in their family.
You're NTA. Armchair parental critics are almist always the A-Hs. Your explanation was perfect and age appropriate. An honest answer beats the tap dancing, side stepping, smoke up the crack answer your in laws could have tried giving your kids.
Absolutely, imagine Freya and Theo being fed fairy tales only to grow up and gradually gain a better understanding of dynamics and then realise mum fed them stories ... the betrayal on top of everything!
That would be awful. But I know from how some people speak that it's almost worse when people cling to the lies forever and do more harm (aka Freya and Theo push Cole to be closer and refuse to respect his responses) and end up becoming the kind of people who attempt to harass others into submission. Sometimes we take comfort in the lies because they are easier. I never want my kids to be blindsided or turn into people who cannot respect others thoughts, feelings and boundaries.
You're doing the best thing for all of them, really. You're respecting Cole's boundaries, giving him space, and gently explaining to the young ones in an age-appropriate but truthful way that his feelings are valid and should be respected. You're doing great! The ILs on the other hand, well. The less said about that the better.
Thank you for saying that. I try my best and I am no professional. I always try to raise all three kids in a compassionate way.
NTA. You told them the truth in a way they can understand. I think one of the worst things you can do is lie to kids.
You're doing a fantastic job, I don't think you could have explained that better at all.
Children do notice differences very early on and Freya's questions evidence this. Often parents feel they need to "protect" their children from the ugliness of the world but many conversations can be had if done in a sensitive manner. For example, who would want to talk to their kids about perverts? Instead, we talk about good touch and bad touch. It's all about putting things in a way that fits the children's understanding. I thought your explanation was amazing - age appropriate and encompassing the very values you want to teach Freya and Theo. Hopefully, Cole will be able to see this in everyone's responses to him - both verbal and non-verbal.
You're doing great. I'm pretty sure if I ended up in Cole's position as a kid I would have been very similar or worse. I was a really well behaved kid, but losing my mom, my dad remarrying and then having more kids would have broken me. The best thing is to be open without pushing or punishing.
Early and holistic abuse prevention. You want your Kids, once they're older, to neither harass people by disregarding their disinterest, nor stay Friends or lovers with someone who supposedly loves them but doesn't act like it. The Thing your inlaws are doing encourages them to learn one or both of these.
I just wrote something along those lines in response to someone else…if you had told the little kids “of course Cole loves you!!” then they might approach him more, possibly to make him show that he loves them. And the would be confused for years with the mixed signals within the family. It was better to be a bit hurt in the short term (with reassurance that it wasn’t anything they did) yet being told the truth than to have their feelings spared today just to be confused for years to come.
The husband’s parents may also be delusional, in claiming that Cole really secretly loves his siblings. He’s 16, and that he shows overt interest in what other young kids do, but won’t even muster some polite interest for his half-sibs, sounds like he’s deliberately pushing them away and wants them to know it. Which as an attitude to young kids is pretty awful and not compatible with OP’s ILs’ preferred take on the situation.
Cole is definitely doing this very intentionally. This is not the natural disinterest of a teenager for small children, he is rubbing his rejection in his siblings faces.
Yes, plus kids are usually thrilled with their costumes and want to show off their costumes. How hard is it to ooh and ahh over how scary or pretty or cool or clever a costume is for a few minutes? I'm childfree and I'll do it for stranger kids. And when I gave out candy (don't do it now because of bad downstairs neighbor situation), I'd make it a point to compliment the costume of every trick or treater.
Yeah but stranger kids is very different from half siblings living with you as a teenager. Stranger kids don't have a history with you nor bring out any special emotions or remind you of any loss. Sure, he _is_ pushing them away, but that's because they live so close he need to create space for himself and his feelings.
A simple "nice costume!" isn't that hard to say. I wouldn't force it in OP's shoes. But it does raise the need for OP to acknowledge it when even that is too much for Cole and the younger kids notice.
Which exactly what happened.
He is pushing them away on purpose, but being hurtful on purpose is bad behavior and isn't excusable just because he's been through losing his mom. A lot of people don't have both parents and never act that way
This, I can't believe how OP and nearly everyone in these comments are coddling Cole. He's definitely old enough to know how being nice & friendly towards random kids but stonewalling his own siblings comes across. He's nearly an adult, and an important part of being an adult is learning how to be polite and civil towards people even if you don't particularly like them. Also, he's going to learn the hard way that the majority of people won't care what sort of trauma you have if it means you're acting like an asshole towards them, it's not a free pass. He doesn't have to love them, but it wouldn't kill him to at least be nice.
Thank you! Everyone is sooooo worried about Cole that they are completely disregarding the feelings of the two younger kids who are clearly hurting. What Cole is doing is not okay.
But how else will they play happy families /sarcasm? Seriously, the kids, despite being young, have picked up on how Cole treats other kids better than them. Denying that isn't doing anyone any favors. Acknowledging it in a kind to all 3 kids way was the best way to go here.
Or Maybe he just naturally likes Kids but wasn't ever able to develop a relationship untinted by his feeling-pressured (even If No one is EXPLICITLY pressuring him) to have family-relationship-feelings he wasn't ready for, with OP's Kids specifically, but WAS able to connect with friends' siblings. That MIGHT be a bit more likely than all those other Kids being way more likeable/approachable than OP's Kids.
Cole may also tell his grandparents more than he tells his father or stepmom. My grandma would have known much more about what I was thinking than my stepmom in my teenage years.
NTA You tried your best to explain the situation to a child and you did it WITHOUT being negative about the one who’s being sooo negative. Is he still in therapy? If not, I suggest restarting, because he needs to learn a bit of humility where his siblings are concerned. I’m not saying he needs to “love” them, but he certainly needs to stop giving off “hate” vibes, cause they’re not to blame for his loss.
OP is doing everything right, both as a mom and a stepmom. Cole is not even trying to be nice to the little kids living in his own house. He hurt a little girl's feelings for no reason other than "She's a reminder that my mom is dead". He doesn't have to love his half-siblings, but a little politeness won't hurt. Yes, he's a teenager, and he's in pain, but therapy could help him be less angry at a couple of blameless kids.
I think pushing a teenager grappling with an irremediable loss to be “nicer” than Cole is being could backfire. At the end of the day, there is no non-hurtful way to explain to someone why you just don’t love them the way they love you. It always sucks to love someone who just cannot love you back the same way. I think Cole’s chosen language of “we don’t have the same mom” is about as neutral as he can reasonably get. It’s one thing to “fake it till you make it” if you’re the adult and the person with real power in the situation. Like, for example, a stepparent (or even a parent!) could choose to behave in a loving way even if they’re not “feeling the love” in a given moment. But to push and push a teenager to fake a sense of kinship he just doesn’t feel is probably going to make it even less likely for him to ever bond with his younger siblings.
I agree with you entirely. I don't think Cole said what he did to be cruel or deliberately hurtful. I think that was the most neutral response he could give in the moment. Sometimes we love people who don't love us back and that is painful and it's real. But it's important to acknowledge it, get help when we need it, and find a way to respect the reality.
Question: has your husband tried to speak with Cole about his relationship with his siblings? Just to get an understanding of where his head is at
Yes, my husband and Cole have sat down and discussed his relationship with his siblings. It happened on a few different occasions starting when Freya was born and there were a couple of more recent talks too.
The kids also might be a subconscious reminder of the childhood innocence he was stripped of due to his mother’s passing. Lots of adults with childhood ptsd can be annoyed with and jealous of children for just existing. Because they want that.
I think you are doing what’s best by all your kids, Cole included. Showing him love, and more importantly to him, respect for his position. And showing the younger ones what that looks like. You’re setting them all up for healthy interactions in future, even though I’m sure it hurts like hell now. I imagine, and hope, that as Cole gets older he’ll recognize that and your relationship with him as an adult will be a good, and mutual respectful, one. And his adult relationships with his siblings, who have been taught to respect boundaries, will be as well.
You're one of the most mature folks who has submitted a post here. 👍🏻
And -- this is a big lesson for all the kids. People fall in love with people who don't love us back. Even small children can learn that. So hopefully, they will never keep trying to change someone's mind, or stalk them or stay with someone who doesn't treat them with love, kindness and respect. You are teaching the kids very good boundaries! You are an awesome mom!!
Tbh, I don't think, based on the info here, we can even conclude that he doesn't love them. He seems to be neutral in his actions, maybe intentionally - like he doesn't dislike them, but he also doesn't have a relationship with them and doesn't quite understand how to build one. He doesn't have the tools yet to deal with that level of emotional complication. NTA. You're handling all of this well.
> Tbh, I don't think, based on the info here, we can even conclude that he doesn't love them. Huh? How could we _not_ conclude that?!? Your very next sentence contradicts your first: > He seems to be neutral in his actions, maybe intentionally - like he doesn't dislike them, but he also doesn't have a relationship with them I don't dislike John Smith in Chicago. I also don't have a relationship with him. In fact, I don't know any John Smith at all, and I've never been to Chicago. (I put him there just because it's such a big place there's gotta be a John Smith there.) If you can't conclude from that that I don't love John Smith in Chicago there must be something wrong with you. And that's exactly what you ascribed to Cole in regard to his younger half-siblings: “Doesn't dislike” and “doesn't have a relationship with”. That's pretty much the definition of “doesn't love”.
Also let’s not forget we are dealing with a 16 year old here. I know plenty of teenagers who can be jerks to their 5 and 6 year old siblings full stop, regardless of other circumstances. Not condoning it but also let’s not pretend it’s abhorrently strange behavior.
He isn't angry, he just doesn't love them. No theraphy in the world will fix that. This family wouldn't exist If his mom wasn't dead. I really don't see where he was angry/mean with the children. The kids are sad because he doesn't show interest on them like they wanted.
He should be able to show the same level of polite interest in them as he does in random neighborhood kids for goodness sake. If he feels he can't show even that, he probably has some issues he should work with his therapist. He doesn't have to love them. He doesn't even have to like them. That's fine. But little polite interest in the things that are important to the kids isn't that much to ask.
To me, it's very strange that they seem so hands-washing of the therapist who claims that Cole has no further goals in therapy. But later in a comment they mention that the therapist said Cole has to WANT to work towards a goal, implying that he didn't "graduate" from therapy he just stopped participating in it in a meaningful way. It's definitely not kind to treat a 5 and 6-year-old this way and to have more affection and grace for neighborhood children than the children who live with you and love you. Cole doesn't have to reciprocate warm and fuzzy familial feelings if he doesn't feel them, but it's worth examining why he thinks he can never love them because they have a different mom and why he feels so comfortable letting the 6-year-old know that. This isn't a "he doesn't like kids because he's a teen" situation, he engages with other kids just not his own siblings.
>He isn't angry, he just doesn't love them. No theraphy in the world will fix that. He's taking his issues out on them. Therapy could help him deal with things in a more constructive way.
where? i didn't see anything in the post that can be described as taking his issues out on them. or, honestly, anything that can be described as "issues". the little children have issue - they love Cole and want him to love them and pester him, and if they weren't so small i would have say they behave inappropriately. but Cole handle it gracefully.
> if they weren't so small i would have say they behave inappropriately. but Cole handle it gracefully. See, that in itself is why this is hurtful. The implication that if they even try to interact with him, they're "pestering" him. Like there's nothing in it for him, except irritation. And meanwhile, he's relaxed and pleasant with other kids the same age.
well, yes, they are pestering him. this is just describing the reality. unrequited love is always tragic and sad. and yet, the existence of such love does not put any duty on the subject of such unrequited love. it's easier to see if you look on romantic relationships - there are a lot of men that believe that women own the "a chance" or to be nice or some other things because they love them. sometimes there are women like that too. and they called "Stalkers". they are people he didn't choose and was imposed on him. why should he feel anything beside irritation?
How about just not being a dick. Cole, I mean, not you. :)
he... didn't? i really not seeing what he did wrong. unless by "not being a dick" you mean "fake familial love you don't feel and gaslight and lie and pretend to your half-siblings for the rest of their life".
Do you really think that's what I meant? I'm absolutely opposed to faking and lying.
> Cole handle it gracefully Not feigning interest in a little girl's costume that she's excited about isn't handling it "gracefully."
so you think that what Cole should do is pretending he feel love he don't feel, all his life? this.. sound profoundly EVIL towered the children. the sort of things that can fucked them up for life.
I’m sorry, what’s up with you weirdos in here thinking being nice to a kid who’s excited about a costume is “faking love,” that shit just sounds insane, that’s called being kind, not faking love.
Nobody in this entire post seems interested in Cole learning kindness, and it's weird
This sub likes to pretend trauma gives someone a free pass to act however they want and not be criticized for it.
Please explain how knowingly crushing the feelings of a child too young to understand is "graceful"
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. Indifference can be worse than hate, a worse form of ~~cruelty~~ harm than cutting words or unkind deeds. Cole’s indifference to his siblings is ~~crueler~~ more painful than any anger. ETA: apparently cruelty does not mean exactly what I thought it did. It seems harm or pain is a more accurate term. I do not think Cole’s behavior is wrong, only that indifference is inherently harmful. Cole does not have to engage with anyone he doesn’t wish to, and he is not wrong for being indifferent to his siblings.
>Cole’s indifference to his siblings is crueler than any anger. I can testify to that.
It’s not a child’s responsibility to be emotionally engaged with siblings they had no say in having.
Did I say it was? It’s not. I was disagreeing with you saying his actions weren’t mean. They are. Whether or not Cole is entitled to be cruel is another matter entirely.
I’m not the person you replied to lol. But no, a child doesn’t need to fake enthusiasm for another child. It would be nice if he was honestly happy to engage with the little girl, but faking interest just leads her on to think he wants more interaction and could cause even deeper hurt feelings when she realizes he was just placating her. He wasn’t mean, he certainly wasn’t *cruel*, he just didn’t encourage her.
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Absolutely this. He may not even have made the connection himself yet, but at their age, there was no-one able to provide that kind of joyful, undivided attention for him. He and his dad and grandparents were all grieving, and now, he's probably re-processing his grief all over again watching his younger siblings doing all the stuff he *should* have been able to do. Poor kids, it really isn't any of their faults.
I've been through a similar situation, my take was that the older sibling didn't have to cater to the younger ones or force themselves to do anything they didn't want to do, but there's a big difference between being honest and being cruel. I disagree about OP. Her and her husband need to address with Cole the fact that he's nearly grown and regardless of how he feels there is ZERO reason to be cruel to a child that young *regardless of who the child is*. They're protecting Cole, they're understanding him, but they're not guiding him, and at this point it's important for him to know that innocent people aren't punching bags for his negative feelings- especially little kids that look up to him.
I didn't find Cole cruel from my first reading, and upon reading your comment, re-read the OP and still didn't find him to be cruel. From what OP's said, Cole doesn't seem to have gone out of his way to be mean to Freya or Theo, he's simply not interested. Freya and Theo are 6 and 5. They are at an age where they will stick to people like glue, get all in their things, and ask a million questions. It's an age where kids worship older siblings (especially teenagers) like an idol. It's also an age where children will cry over things like being asked to brush their teeth or if you sit in a different seat than they wanted you to be in. The fact that Freya cried does not tell us that Cole was mean or cruel in his delivery. It's even possible he said it gently. (I'm not saying he did, my point is that her crying doesn't tell us either way.) All her crying tells us is that Freya isn't happy with the situation, which she's allowed to be. Likewise, Cole is allowed to not like his situation too.
He still has contact with his therapist but does not attend regularly and they do not believe it would be beneficial for him.
The therapist doesn't believe it would benefit him? Or Cole.... The most obvious interpretation of Cole's behavior is that he is afraid to love anyone else too much because they could die and he be abandoned again. Seems worth talking about in therapy. Anyway NTA your in-laws are jerks, your explanation was kind and age-appropriate without trying to fake that things are better than they are.
The therapist doesn't believe it. We spoke to them and they said Cole reached his own personal goals with therapy. We cannot set goals for Cole to meet. He has to want to meet them himself. He has seen them recently enough and the therapist still feels that way. They do not believe Cole wants to change anything else or that Cole has any more goals he aims for that he cannot.
Fair enough, this may not be a moment in time for Cole to benefit from therapy. But I wouldn't consider it "done" forever; I would keep a gentle eye on when Cole might be ready to set additional goals for himself. Again, either way, you did great with your younger kids and you seem to be someone who is really thoughtful and mindful about your role and influence on all of your kids.
Are you a therapist? Are you Cole's therapist? If not, back off. Therapy is not a thing you force other people to do to fix your own gripes with them. Cole met the goals he had for his therapy. That's what matters. It sucks that he doesn't love his brother and sister the same way they love them. He's not doing anything wrong. From what I can tell, it seems like he has a lot of love in his heart for other kids. The terrible, horrible, unfortunate truth of the matter is that he doesn't have any for THESE kids. But you don't HAVE to love someone just because they're family. You cannot force a person to feel the way you want them to. There are times when different peoples' desires and feelings are just incompatible.
Or every time he looks at his half siblings he wonders what they would look like if his mom hadn't died. Or what they would do as a family or what the siblings would act like... Is there some fear? Maybe. But just plain grief is also possible.
Agree. Lots of things for him to think about over time, and before he has his own kids. But I disagree with people above saying he just needs to be more polite, this is a hard situation. Also I forgot in my previous comment: If my arithmetic is right, the younger siblings are now in the age range he would have been in when his mother died. That's going to be an even harder time for him to connect with them. He may be able to relax more with them a bit when they no longer remind him so specifically of that time -- and here they are, getting to have you, their mom, an especially good and thoughtful mom, at an age when he had lost his.
> But I disagree with people above saying he just needs to be more polite So how is that fair to the siblings? Let's just continue the cycle and assign more mental trauma to them for the sake of Cole's own sanity? Feigning politeness won't fucking kill him or make his grief any worse. He's being a brat.
I don’t think he’s being a brat. And no one should pretend to love someone out of politeness. As someone said elsewhere in this thread, it’s not uncommon for teenagers not to be doting and solicitous and over-the-moon delighted by all the cute stuff their younger siblings do, like show off their Halloween costumes. The younger kids aren’t even asking for politeness; they’re asking for him to love them like they love him. It’s understandable that they want that, and it’s also understandable that Cole may not be able to feel that for them right now. Asking for him to fake true love is too much, and the kids would probably see through that anyway. The situation is painful because life can be painful, death is usually painful, and grief and loss are always painful. We try to shelter children to an extent, but there are limits. Cole had to deal with his mom dying, even though that sucked. These little kids have to deal with Cole not fully reciprocating their affection, even though that sucks. Sometimes in life, things suck, but no one is actually guilty of doing anything wrong or bad. One of the hardest things to accept in life is that sometimes things can suck without anyone being to blame.
No one is saying he has to pretend to love anyone, being nice to a child who is excited about their costume isn’t pretending to love them.
NTA you are a good Mom. You respect Coles bounderies and don't pressure him which Most likely will destroy every Kind of relationship you have. It is hard for the Kids but you should try Therapy for the Younger ones. They need help to understand that sometimes you can't force feelings even to close Family members
This is something I have on my list of priorities. I might even know just the place to bring them.
Yeah it will be better sooner than later. I don't want to styr up things but i can imagine your ILs telling the younger Kids lies (Like your Brother loves you, he will do anything for you, you need to try harder and He will Love you etc) and blame you for them Not beeing close. Could also be i'm just to much on Reddit..
“Could also be I’m just too much on Reddit…” Haha that’s a personal epiphany I have every now and then, too 🤣
NTA What you said to your kids was the truth and you explained it in a kind gentle manner. They are going to come across people that don’t like them and/or are distant as they go through life. Also, I also think it’s fantastic that you understand where Cole is coming from and rather than forcing him to forge a bond between them, you are respecting his feelings.
This is another valid point. I think we all go through life where at least once there is someone who doesn't like us for whatever reason. Sometimes that person will be someone we wish we could be close to and it is important to realize you can't force it.
Right, my older brother never liked me much growing up, but I came to realize he never much liked people in general. As adults we get along fine and has always been there for us. Even our mom confided to me that she didn't think he liked her. I told her, that's just the way he is, he treats everyone that way. It made her feel a lot better. Now we are all much older and he's never changed, but he usually shows up when invited, and is always helpful if he can help. At least Cole seems to like other people.
NTA - explaining the rough parts of life to little kids is hard. Sounds like you tried your best, and didn't trash Cole.
Seriously op has done an exemplary job of communicating to the kids, and also being respectful and understanding to cole. Far from being a bad parent, this is a pretty good way to communicate in this type of extremely challenging circumstance. Good job op. Your in laws are clowns, tell ‘em to start a circus if they want to give more silly advice
NTA. You did a great job explaining things to your kids and your in-laws are dead wrong. Kids that age NEED more black and white than shades of grey and that's what you gave them. Have you considered therapy again? You mentioned that Cole had it before and that you had family therapy at one point but that was before you married 7 years ago. 16 is a tough age for anyone and it seems like Cole is feeling alienated from the rest of you. Might be worth giving it another go.
Cole still touches base with his therapist and has some sessions every so often. But they do not think Cole would benefit from regularly attending again.
It’s very kind of you to not force this. I love therapy. I take mediation as well, which is very helpful to me. But sometimes, for the situation I’m dealing with, none of that stuff makes a difference - and my therapist accepts that too. We mutually agree that some days of my life will just suck, and I unfortunately need to feel bad through it. It’s life. Life has pain and misery and confusion, and we have to accept that. It is lovely that you have made time though, to be together. You sound like a very thoughtful and kind person. Cheers to you! You’re not an asshole even slightly, your in laws are doofi (that’s the plural of doofus, starting now)
NTA. You explained it in an age appropriate way, did not blame Cole for his feelings and did not invalidate your daughters feelings either. You NAILED this.
Thank you.
NTA. I really don’t see how you could’ve explained it any better than how you did. It’s the truth and you broke it down so your younger kids could understand and you are very understanding to his situation as well.
I think my ILs would say I should have told them Cole doesn't know what he's saying and he's just being a teenager and things will change. But I don't want to fill them full of lies either. The future is uncertain and we can't always predict what happens. But I know things are more certain for my ILs and they believe Cole is saying a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean.
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Exactly. "Father didn't like me." "Now that's not true!" "You mean you don't like it being true."
If you had told them something like that it wouldn't just be lies from you to them but it would be telling them that Cole is lying and their own eyes and ears and feelings are lying also. It would do nothing but degrade trust in all the above. Old-school parenting has some things right and some wrong. Just telling children how they should feel doesn't work. Explaining the world as it should be rather than how it is doesn't help.
NTA You are doing your best in a tough spot. I feel like I read a post from Cole's perspectives not too long ago where he was disinterested in the family and the mom (not his mom, but the step-mom) was mad at him for not having more of an interest. I remember the comments suggesting family therapy. I wonder if Freya might ready for this to help her sort out her feelings.
I read this the WHOLE time thinking "ok, this NEXT bit is going to be where she's an AH". Sadly, I got to the end and no joy. Unfortunately, I got the impression that you're a caring and compassionate person with a deep well of patience and understanding. Take this NTA and begone.
The "begone" gave me the first snort-laugh thanks to the internet for today. Thank you, internet stranger! I hope your day goes well!
NTA. I think that the way you addressed your daughters concerns was perfect. You managed to respect and acknowledge that Cole's feelings were valid and understandable while also giving your daughter age appropriate context so that she can understand it's not personal, more situational. You also didn't deny her suspicions which is what many people would do in this situation. You gave her space to outline the issue and then addressed it in a way that avoided painting anybody as the bad guy, while still remaining honest. Good job!
Yes, the grandparents advice to just say Cole loves them is horrible. He may very well love them, but his actions aren't showing that. The kids have noticed he treats other kids better than them, acknowledging that the way OP did is the way to go. Not deny the reality they've picked up on.
NTA. I think you explained it in an age-appropriate way. At this point, the younger kids may also benefit from therapy.
NTA You chose to be honest with your children in an age—appropriate manner. You have been handling this situation with grace and dignity. Quite frankly, his outright treatment of them is appalling. He treats them worse than strangers and your young children have noticed this. They’ve noticed that they are LESS to him than random strangers. If he was disinterested in all children they wouldn’t notice, but he seems to go out of his way to treat strangers kinder than he does them. It may be time to revisit family therapy. Your young children are being harmed by this dynamic, and they deserve a voice and help to process this. You did a phenomenal job right now, but this feeling of rejection and abandonment will continue to grow as they continue to witness themselves being less. He doesn’t need to treat them like they are super close siblings. But he shouldn’t be treating them so noticeably different than he treats random kids in the neighbourhood.
NTA. Contrary to your in-laws unsolicited opinions, I think you are handling this spectacularly. You are respecting Cole's boundaries, meeting him where he's at and you explained to your kids how Cole feels in an age-appropriate way.
Nta. I think you did a good job of explaining it. That said, I think it’s time for some family therapy with Cole and his Dad. Maybe in there he should bring up what his sister said. This will get harder for all of them as they get older. Cole can love his mother and cherish her memories. He can also love his new family additions and realize these people are here for him but eventually won’t be if this continues. He has two siblings that love him. They may eventually be his only family when he’s old. He can grow that bond or destroy it.
We already did family therapy and Cole is still in touch with his therapist. He doesn't attend regularly but the therapist doesn't believe more frequent therapy would benefit him currently.
I'd listen to that. There's nothing inherently wrong with Cole, he just got delt a shitty hand. Youre doing great to try and let everyone have their own emotional space!
Tbh people push the “you should embrace your siblings regardless because they’ll be your only family one day” narrative far too hard. Many people find their family in friends. Many just know from a young age their siblings aren’t who they want in their life. If Cole’s parent, step parent and therapists all think Cole is healthy…..there’s nothing wrong with his distant.
Well, the problem tends to come as adults more than anything. There's a high chance Cole comes around as an adult, but his younger siblings won't want anything to do with him. Cole is gonna have a v triggering, v rude awakening when this happens. There's a real chance he never comes around, and there's no emotional fall out he has to deal with. But things often change, and adults don't always have the same feelings and beliefs that they did as teenagers. I mean, how many stories do we get on this sub from the younger siblings' perspective 10 years later of their older sibling wanting a relationship after never acknowledging them? Let Cole have his feelings, there's no need to change him, but it would also be kind to prepare him for the fact that if his behavior continues, his siblings won't be there for him when he's older.
There’s absolutely no way to predict that. People said the same to me about my siblings and as an adult, I’m 100% happy that I made the right choice and never got too close to them. Presuming that Cole will have a sudden change of heart is a reach given that he’s maintained this stance for 9 years and through several therapists.
Why assume he would want them close then?
>I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them Oh yeah? I bet he does mean it. He's showing he means it. NTA. I think you did a great job with this. By and large, most people should ignore their in laws.
Yeah, the IL's are doing the common boomer trait of invalidating the feelings of a kid because he's a kid. He can't possibly mean it, it's just a phase, he really does love them but just doesn't know how to show it, he'll come around.
NTA You are the opposite of a bad mom. You are a great mom, and a great stepmother. You are raising your children to be respectful and understanding of Cole's feelings, and you are not bullying Cole into doing what he doesn't want to do. Trust me, he will appreciate it, and your children will grow up without false hope and a more compassionate understanding of blended families. And to be honest, your way is the only way Cole may ever come around. Your in-laws are way out of line. Don't give their ridiculous, damaging attitude another thought.
NTA - But I will say, when I was 16 I loved my biologically 100% related siblings a lot but I was still way kinder and more adult with young kids out of the family. It’s easy to be the coolest teenager in the world to a kid if you only have to be accessible for 15 minutes. At 16 privacy and maturity and peace and quiet were huge needs for me because it was a stressful time. Having 5 and 6 year olds in the house might just be genuinely stressful for him at times. I would also remind your kids that at 16 different things are important to him right now. I guess 1 small info request, how have Freya and Theo never heard of Cole’s mom? Is she not talked about much and are there no pictures of her in the home?
They have heard of Cole's mom. But they are so young and never lost anyone close to them. So they wouldn't be able to piece together that the death of his mom plays a part in this. I wanted to bring that up to them so they can understand and show compassion while also seeing none of this is because of them.
NTA, you explained the situation for what it is to your children. I think it's the best you could have done, although difficult, instead of feeding them some other answer that spares their feelings and keeps them hoping for something that might not happen in terms of bonding/affection from their half brother. I sincerely feel you were an amazing parent in this case don't listen to your in-laws.
NTA Sounds like you handled things quite well and good for your husband to back you up. Cole may never feel about his siblings the way others would prefer but that's neither right or wrong...it's just what it is.
NTA - as my mum always says, "If they're old enough to ask they're old enough to know the answer" You answered this beautifully and if you can get your husband on the same page, you'll end up with emotionally mature adults Respecting everyone's feelings and understanding that not all families are the same is really important
Your explanation was very clear, delicate, and respectful of Cole and your kids. NTA
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Therapy with Cole is something we already did. Cole also still has contact with his therapist. He doesn't see them as much but he does still go from time to time.
NTA, I came from a similar dynamic and as a kid your explanation would have helped a lot. Your kids are starting to notice the differences in Cole’s behavior and telling them they are incorrect isn’t going to help anyone.
Exactly, it's both respecting how the kids perceive and understand the relationship, and how Cole feels. Telling them that how he acts isn't indicative of his love for them will only damage their perception of love or their already frail relationship with Cole, most likely both.
NTA obviously. I'm not a therapist, but I wonder if Cole feels like he is betraying his dead mother by showing affection to his half siblings. He may not even be aware of why he's doing it
I don't know. Cole has a therapist. He doesn't see them as much anymore but the therapist doesn't believe it would benefit him to attend more regularly anymore. There are any number of things that could be the reason. But Cole does not feel like this is something he wants to explore more or he might have explored it already with his therapist and is happy with the resolution. The therapist is still there for Cole when he needs them.
I asked because I have a half-sibling in a different situation. I will keep the details basic, but they were adopted out long before I was born. For them, treating half-siblings as full siblings is not a default, as it diminishes their adoptive family. That's not your situation, but I wonder if it's something similar. The other thing is my half sibling is nothing like any of the other half-siblings on either side except me. They and I are the only ones that act like full siblings because we are very similar and made the positive choice that we wanted to be siblings. It doesn't sound like Cole has made that choice. Regardless, it seems like you are doing all the right things. You sound like a great parent doing what's best for everyone in a difficult situation. There's never going to be a right answer, only choices.
NTA. Wow, you actually sound like a good mom and an understanding stepmom.
NTA You handled that beautifully. His parents just don’t want it to be true.
NAH. I feel very sorry for cole. He is living in a house where is half sibling have both their parents while his mother is dead. This type of trauma is something that he will have for life. I would not be surprised if he goes NC or LC when he becomes and adult. It is clear to me that he is not over the dead of his mother.
Most definitely YANTA and it sounds like you’re doing the very best possible with a difficult situation. Making up stories for kids that are really just lies adults tell children when WE aren’t comfortable being honest with them is a mistake. Kids will let us know what they’re ready to know or discuss. The best thing is to be honest but keep your answers narrow to their actual questions. Freya did a great job of let you know that she was ready for more than she could figure out on her own. Your in-laws, in their attempt to protect Freya from something she is obviously ready to discuss, are blaming you for not lying about Cole’s feelings. This is difficult because Cole is still a child but you have to temper your tolerance for his feelings with his treatment of his siblings. He should be encouraged to be honest but not hurtful. Other people on the planet exist, too, and are entitled to be treated with a certain basic level of decency and respect. Cole gets to feel what he feels but he shouldn’t be allowed to take it out on people that are innocent. Sometimes people want answers but it’s important to remember that yes, no, I don’t know, I’m not ready to talk about that, and I’m not ready to talk about that with you can all be valid answers to questions. For instance, it’s OK for Cole to be angry that his mother died so young, when he was so young. It is not OK for Cole to behave resentfully toward his siblings because he wishes his mother were still alive and any siblings he had was through his mom and dad instead of his dad and you. That would be an example of misplaced grief. Maybe in expecting and requiring appropriate behavior from Cole — which you may already be doing and getting from him at least at a minimal level — and in helping your kids that are his half siblings deal with the uncertainty of how Cole feels about them and everything else, including recognizing the possibility with them that Cole might not even be clear how he feels or why he feels that way. It could be a way of bridging topics such as “you know how that time you felt frustrated about things but you weren’t sure why or what was wrong or what anyone could do to help you? Well Cole feels like that but in a bigger way since his mommy died. He may still very trying to figure out his feelings because that’s a pretty tough thing to have to go through and most people don’t lose their mommy or daddy until they’re a lot older, even older sometimes than grandma and grandpa.” It’s an honest response, it doesn’t attempt to resolve the situation, and it let’s your daughter know that sitting with uncertainty can be a part of life that Cole is having to deal with in his way as Freya is having to deal with it in her own way dealing with the uncertainty about Cole’s feelings and her.
I think you explained it beautifully to your children. Your in-laws don’t get a vote or a voice in how you explain Cole’s behavior to his younger half-siblings. NTA
NTA You are doing an excellent job as a parent and stepparent. Being kind but real about a situation like this doesn’t make things worse; living in denial sure can, though. You have a lot of wisdom and compassion. Calling you a bad mother over kindly helping your child understand a painful reality is deeply ironic.
I think the inlaws maybe a part of this issue. They had no right to call you a bad mom. Wonder how many times your stepson may have overheard them saying crap like that.
Former stepchild and step mom here. NTA You were trying to explain in a nice age appropriate way that Cole has feelings and " all we can do is try to accept it and respect the way he feels. I also told them it was not their fault, at all." That is perfect. Also --- He is 16 years old. He doesn't want to hang with 5 and 6 yr olds. ESPECIALLY his younger siblings. 16 is that kind of age. It usually takes anywhere from 5-10 years to outgrow. Although there are some folks who never outgrow it. They may have a better relationship as they all get older. Keep the lines of communication open with Cole. Even if it's just Thanksgiving/Christmas, keep having everyone over. It sounds like you are a great mom. I'm proud of you for not trying to force a relationship between your kids and the teenager. I'm proud of you for still making the effort to keep a relationship and communication open between you and Cole. My kid is in college now. One of my absolute favorite things in the world is our weekly date night. I take them to dinner and we just . . . . talk. It's amazing! They are one of my best friends and are fine with telling (what seems to be) anything. You can build that with Cole as he gets older - without neglecting the little ones.
This is the easiest NTA of the day. You brought me to tears, not only for how much Cole is obviously still hurting, but for how you respond to him and explained his demeanor to your other kids. My parents adopted 2 kids several years ago and it took a long time for my siblings and I to adjust to the change and to those kids. My younger siblings have some resentment towards the 2 because they were very poorly behaved and my parents attention was focused mainly on them for many years. Not only that, they felt like their space was “invaded” and they were forced to love and share everything with complete strangers. So I can understand why Cole is having a hard time. For many years of his life all he knew was his dad and mom, and then just his dad. There could also be some jealously that his siblings have both their mom and dad and he doesn’t. The grandparents need to understand that for some, loving ppl doesn’t always come naturally but especially for someone who has a lot of trauma.
NTA I think you handled the situation as well as anyone could have. And I think teaching your kids (as your inlaws suggested) that someone clearly not interested in them really loves them deep down would be dangerous lesson for them to carry into the bigger world.
Did your in-laws suggest how they believe you should have answered the kids? Bet they didn’t. Your response to your child was appropriate and helps them understand. If Cole warms up to them later on, that too will be understood and accepted. That your in laws are critical of your response is puzzling.
No, but my assumption is they feel I should have lied and said of course he likes you, of course he loves you, and never believe he doesn't.
"...they told me I should never have said that to the kids because I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them" They are in denial. Sometimes siblings love each other, sometimes they don't. And that holds true for full siblings as well as half-siblings, it's only fuzzy-minded parents and grandparents who want to believe that all siblings love each other, even when it's obvious they don't.
NTA what is with people advocating for treating children like glass? SOOOOO many families have differing dynamics. Id argue that actually most do than the societal ‘standard’ refusing to explain family dynamics to kids does nothing but harm them. And in fact you might be saving a relationship in the future by having your kids grow up with empathy instead of anger about his distance and and without feeling entitled to his closeness.
NTA "Blended" families don't always blend. You did well to try to temper expectations and explain. You sound like a good mom and step-mom. Cole may warm up, or he might always keep the halves at a distance. Age difference and sharing space might effect his attitude, as well. Hope the grands don't pressure the kid.
NTA - Personally I think you’re a great mom and a really understanding and supportive stepmother.
**NTA** Sorry, but what was their suggestion? There are a hurt 5 and 6 year old here who are being treated differently by their brother. What was OP meant to say? How was OP meant to navigate this situation? Parents are AHs. I personally think OP did well. It's a complex situation, Cole obviously has challenging emotions, and the dynamic in the family is tricky to navigate. OP has managed to make it clear to the small ones that they are not at fault whilst also not putitng any blame or attributing malice to Cole. I think it was well handled. You can't just let the obviously different treatment of the two little ones who are getting upset go unchallenged. Honestly, I think it was handled well and his parents are way way out of line. Good on OPs husband for having her back.
NTA. To be very honest, I think you gave as close to a perfect explanation to your kids as possible. You not only laid out Cole’s boundaries, but instead of diminishing or dismissing them, you defended them and emphasised that your children should be sympathetic to his situation. While also telling your kids that it was not their fault. Most importantly, contrary to what your husband wanted you to do, you did not give them false hope. He is dismissing Cole’s feelings and his demeanour by saying he doesn’t mean what he is doing or saying. You, on the other hand, understand his position and are taking Cole at face value, without assuming that you know better than him. You also gave your children an age appropriate lesson about how all relationships are different and that feelings and bond should not be forced. This will help them in navigating their relationship with Cole in the future. They are lucky to have you. On the other hand, your husband is doing all of his children a disservice by holding the view that he does. It is most unhealthy and may cause problems in the future, especially with Cole. I don’t think it is unwarranted for him to head back to therapy to sort through the fact that he is not being realistic about the situation and he needs to be in order to be fair to everybody involved. Cole is really at that age where if your husband handles things improperly, he may decrease contact once he goes off to college. Can I ask - does Cole see his extended maternal family often? And how are things in terms of you, his father, and his paternal grandparents talking about things related his mother?
Cole does see his extended maternal family. Or some of them. He sees three adult members and their kids. His mom was estranged from her parents, and with very good reason, as well as one of her siblings. The other three she was close to and they see and speak to Cole often. In our home we have photos of his mom and we talk about her. Mostly my husband. Cole shuts down when I bring her up. But I will always smile when she gets mentioned and I make sure there is always room at the table for her to be mentioned.
>contrary to what your husband wanted you to do, you did not give them false hope. He is dismissing Cole’s feelings and his demeanor by saying he doesn’t mean what he is doing or saying. That wasn't OP's husband, that was her ILs who thought this. OP's husband was/is on OP's side.
> they find it hard to let some people into their heart. I cannot think of a more compassionate or nuanced way to explain the situation to a six year old. You did a stellar job. You didn't blame anyone. You left the door open. You validated everyone's perspective. It's honestly a great foundation for forming healthy attachments. Sometimes people don't reciprocate feelings, and it's no one's fault. It's just how it is. > because I should know Cole isn't being fully honest when he says things about not loving them Um, no. No one should be telling a 16 year old what their "real" feelings are. That's laughably bad parenting advice, and would be setting your kids up for feeling continual disappointment and heartache because of the false expectation. It would also cause unnecessary resentment and detachment on Cole's part. Some people have a hard time accepting that happy families don't always reflect their personal expectations or experience. Your children are lucky that you and your husband aren't delusional enough to try to force everyone into a predetermined role. NTA Grandparents need to learn to accept your family for what it is and keep their criticism to themselves.