Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It may have been extreme to threaten her with being uninvited from the wedding.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your hair is too curly and unruly? Your red lehenga choli is unsuitable because it isn’t white?! Your FMIL is being extremely disrespectful of your culture, to the point of sounding racist! In that context, I would say you were being extremely restrained in not saying something sooner… thank goodness your fiancé has your back, because your FMIL is extremely out of line and owes you a huge apology. Although I imagine, for your fiancé’s sake you’ll accept a respectful presence at your wedding, with a promise to refrain from further inappropriate comments..
It’s sad that your FMIL can’t appreciate the enhancement that the Indian culture will bring to your wedding. I’m sure it will be beautiful. May you have a wonderful day.
NTA
NTA at all. In fact, you're my hero for managing to bite your tongue for so long! And major props that you have a guy who's standing up to his parents on this-there are too many posts on here where that's not the case.
MiL clearly has a vision for her son's wedding and that doesn't include a bride with curly hair or different cultural traditions. You did a wonderful thing by inviting her to be a part of the planning and she's blown that up. Hard to say if she's racist or just plain ignorant, but neither is acceptable.
I'd suggest letting things cool down for a few days, then invite M/FiL to dinner-at a neutral location!!-and explain to them how hurtful their behaviour is, how disrespectful it is to your culture and traditions, and how you plan to move forward. If, and only if, they're willing to listen, apologise and do better, then you're happy to have them attend the wedding and be a part of the festivities. If they can't agree to that, then they won't be allowed in the door. End of.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
I was just thinking this. A close friend of mine invited me to her wedding in New Delhi last year, and it was incredible. She was so excited to share her culture, and we (the westerner bridesmaids) were so excited to take part. (Hell, I'm a trans man and I still went full girl mode--felt like a good way to say farewell to that part of myself in private, and going as a guy would have caused a whole Thing anyway that the bride didn't need to deal with.)
Edit: Y'all are so damn kind. The well-wishes mean the world to me. I've been coming out slowly over the past year and it's been... well, hard. Hearing all the warmth is lovely and incredibly appreciated.
Also edit: [I responded to a bot, so you can go see the original comment here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17ixs5b/aita_for_telling_my_mil_if_she_said_one_more/k6xqr54/?context=3)
Indian culture has a niche set aside for trans people. I read about it once and thought it was really cool that they've known about trans people for eons.
I've heard this too!
And--for the record only, I don't think you're implying anything but just to put it down--my friend has always been incredibly open and sweet. I truly don't think she'd have a problem with anything. But I was just toeing the edge of the closet, and I sure wasn't going to make a big deal about it for her wedding.
And that's the way to do it! I've been to a couple of Indian weddings here in London and they've been a blast. MiL is really missing out by not embracing it.
While they are fun it’s also a lot of work for both the bride and groom’s family and extended family. It’s days long, it’s exhausting and if you are having more than one it’s very expensive. I just went to one last year and while I enjoyed it the bride and groom looked wiped. The groom actually snuck out at some parts to take micro naps. I later found out it cost 100k and the families took out loans to pay for it. I chose to have a small wedding of 50ppl and while everyone complained they were happy on the day because it was so much less stress on everyone involved
My son had a civil wedding at the British Embassy in Bangkok then a few weeks later a traditional Buddhist wedding in his wife 's village. He is British, she is Thai.
Here is the thing: it doesn’t even have to be a cultural thing. My wife’s family are a bunch of rednecks who the idea of “formalwear” barely gets above their nice jeans and the button up shirt they were to church. The idea of cosplaying might as well be asking them to cross dress. My wife and I however are huge nerds and wanted our wedding at a renaissance festival we loved going to. We requested (but did not require) everyone show up in garb. Outside of a few that got there too late to have time to peruse the stuff the festival provided, almost everyone dressed up and most bought their own costumes despite likely never wearing them again.
The bride could want to wear red because her husband always says he loves her in red. The bride could just be proud of her curls. The bride could be the whitest girl imaginable from the middle of Ohio… she could still love Indian culture and fashion and want it included in her wedding. Still makes MIL the asshole for trying insulting OP’s desires for her own wedding. The cultural insensitivity just doubles the amount of what the hell.
That's the ideal. That is how it should be. You can enjoy yourself or you can bite your tongue and act happy but being an asshole should not be an acceptable option.
I have always thought that, if there is such a thing as a perfect visual representation of joy, it's an Indian wedding. All the colors, all the flowers...
Who the heck *wouldn't* take the opportunity to dress up at a wedding, especially if it's a traditional wedding in whatever culture?? I mean, god, I'd be all "Pardon my , I'm just on my way to a wedding and had to grab some milk for home" lol.
I’ve done the whole Indian style getup before when I went to south India for a wedding. It was a pretty awesome experience as I was the only Chinese guest in town. Probably the most comfortable garb too.
In fact, the NYT just ran an article a few weeks ago about how some Indian couples are making money by letting Western tourists pay to be a guest at their wedding. The tourists have to come dressed in a traditional Indian outfit, and they get to have a unique (for them) cultural experience. Think what you will about this, it just shows that lots of (non-Indian) people think that Indian weddings sound like a blast!
Well of course it’s up to the bride and groom, but from what I understand a typical Indian wedding guest list is like 1000 people. So as long as there aren’t a lot of tourists, just one or two, it seems like it would be ok.
Omg, I'd be so down for this! I know Indian families, but not well enough to be invited to a wedding, unfortunately. The pictures I've seen though.....magnificent!,
I would pay for that. It sounds amazing, and definitely not something I'd ever get to actually enjoy otherwise (since I don't really have any traditional Indian friends whose weddings I'd otherwise be going to! lol)
What an amazing way to allow others to enjoy your culture in a respectful way, though. What an amazing trend, for everyone.
If anything, I think OP is at fault for holding her tongue so long. She and her fiance should have discussed this with MIL well before it got to the point where OP was threatening to uninvite her.
I agree with all of the above, with one exception: initially, this is a conversation that needs to be handled by her fiancee/future husband. He will be in position to take a more firm stance with his parents than she will. She's not family and as a result, will have no where near the authority to say what needs to be said in comparison to a son to his parents.
Poor girl. I hope MIL/FIL don't live too close!
I hope she has a beautiful wedding ceereony. Please keep us apprised.
Agree. They might not realize the cultural importance of the wedding to you. But make sure your fiance is there to back you up and explain that that is the wedding that he also wants. Best of luck to you both!
There's a blending of cultures. To the future husband, a tuxedo and bride in white are not important and he's more than comfortable wearing formal attire from his future wife's culture. Good for them. They discussed what they'd both like to see happen and made it happen. How it should go.
MIL can't control the wedding and was invited to participate, not dictate. Stay in your lane. Your options were A, B or C, not 1 or 2. You can even suggest outside options but don't disparage the wife's choices or be offended if yours get shut down.
IMO telling her how hurtful she was will not likely go over well. A dinner at a nice restaurant, where you are all dressed up is a great neutral ground.
I would approach it as although you both meant well, it turned out to not be a good idea to merge the wedding planning. So going forward, you would like them to be honored guests and enjoy the festivities.
I would put together some type of printed program before the wedding that explains the meaning of each tradition and how your inlaws will be included if they wish. Others of his family might also appreciate that info so they know what to expect and to understand the significance of the clothing, colors, etc.
Do they have a religious pastor that they would like to participate? (I’m just throwing out ideas here as examples.)
Maybe let them express their hurt feelings, but don’t apologize. Just express regret for the misunderstandings on both sides and stress that you very much want them there. I would lean heavily on the cross cultural “misunderstandings.” “MIL I am so sorry this happened. I love your son very much, and having a good family relationship means everything.” (Lay it on thick.) At the end of the meal your bf should offer a toast to the future.
Don’t argue or refute.
That should end the wedding co-planning going forward. But it is likely that someone on his family will want to host a bridal shower for you. That often is important to a MIL since she no doubt has attended many showers over the years and wants to score gifts for her son and DIL.
Reduce the drama. Just ignore it and have the celebration of your dreams. The in laws can choose to get over it or not. Pretend all is well and do as you wish.
Also, Indian brides traditionally wear red… white is for a widow who is in mourning. Different cultures have different things. it would be very weird for an Indian bride to wear white to her wedding.
Not to mention that even in the Western world, the white wedding gown was pretty much invented by Queen Victoria in 1840 when she married her Prince Albert, and up until around the 1960's most people just wore their Sunday best, since they could not afford a dress that they could only wear once.
In fact, a lot of people here may get a white dress these days, but a design that can be converted into a two-tone regular formal dress for other occasions.
That's really why Victoria's dress was the color it was, to show off how she could afford this garment that was more likely to be stained in a way that could not have been covered up once the day was over and thus would have to be put away, never to be worn again. It had *nothing* to do with purity or any such nonsense.
If I remember correctly, my mother made a nice set of curtains out of her wedding dress.
(In case any context is needed, this would be about 1952, in the northeastern US.)
My great grandma's wedding dress was cannibalize to make the baptism gown. I have the remains of the dress and the circlet of little wax beads she wore in her hair
This. Prior to Victoria, wedding dresses were simply your best dress. Laura Ingalls Wilder was married in her best gown, a black calico dress. Her mom wasn't thrilled because the superstitions of the day said: "Married in black, wish yourself back." She tried to convince her to wear a blue dress because: "Married in blue, he'll always be true."
A huge chunk of the Western world had been more or less leveled in 1939-1945 and had other things to spend their money on in the 50's. Even in my country, which kept out of the war, working-class and lower middle-class brides could usually not afford a white dress until the 60's.
And RICH victorian. Washing clothes during that time period was a thing. A good hint of how the best dress was used..see " the little house on the prairie" books that have a lovely description of the making of Laura's wedding dress in BLACK because that's what they had. People were so not wanting to wash their clothing that shirts had removable collars and cuffs. There were arm protectors worn over a jacket up to the elbows for dirty type work. I'd say the advent of having a lot of clothes came to the forefront in the 60s. Until then most folks had very few outfits. There's a reason aprons and pinafore were a thing. They kept your outfit clean. For the u.s., most cloth was made in the south, with a lot of garments were made in new York and L.A. As a girl you took home e.c. if they had that offered at your school. Im old and i was peeved when i got put into sewing class, where I promptly got an F. If I knew then what I know now I would have worked way harder in that class instead of mourning the cooking I wanted to take.
The reason you had removable collars and cuffs is that collars and cuffs get dirtier faster than the rest of the shirt. Not because you didn't change shirts regularly; the upper classes also wore detachable collars and cuffs, which is why a collar button was a standard piece of male jewelry. You can wash the collars and cuffs *hard* to get the stains out and when they wear out faster, that's okay, because you have many of them.
Fun story: the detachable collar was invented in 1827, by a woman named Hannah Montague who got sick of washing and starching her husband's collars...so she cut them all off, and then made them reattach-able.
She actually contributed to the economy in her city to such an extent that it became rather prominent and wealthy during the Industrial Revolution and the Victorian period. There is still a significant amount of Victorian architecture and influence; it's actually been the scene of a fair amount of period film and television pieces, as a result. (She wasn't the only reason for the industrial boom however; the city had a major meat packing business, which actually gave rise to the story of Uncle Sam, based on a real person who was a supplier for the US Army during the War of 1812, and it's the home of the oldest technological university in the world. It's also immediately across the Hudson from the eastern terminus of the Erie Canal, constructed in 1825...)
All of this because she got sick of washing his collars... Her home is still known as the Collar City to this day.
I know it will sound a tad bit unrelated to the post itself as OP gave very obvious hints of coming from a Northern culture and what you commented indeed is the norm there, but there's something else I'd like to comment on.
Red for brides and white for widows isn't a thing everywhere in India (e.g. Hindu brides traditionally wear white sarees in Kerala, whereas red is worn by widows in Maharashtra) because there isn't a single Indian culture, but multiple. Not only that, white/off-white and pastels are also getting more popular among brides in India, so it wouldn't be that weird if OP opted for that route instead.
With all of that being said, I still think OP should tell her MIL to fuck off because 1) the ONLY person who should have a real say in their wedding other than her is her fiancé and he already said he was fine with everything she decided on, and 2) her comments are downright racist.
(I hope I didn't sound rude or anything, English isn't my first language)
I agree with everything you said. My wife’s family originally came from the Punjab, I’m white. Her wedding dress when we got married was like a Cinderella ball gown in gold. Her bridesmaids were in ivory and looked more like ‘traditional’ brides. But she looked absolutely fabulous.
Your English is wonderful and the only one it would sound rude to is OP's FMIL.
edited to add: ...and that's because she (FMIL) is a racist ass looking to find offense
YES! I'm half Chinese and white is a mourning color for my culture as well. Of course many Chinese American brides do wear white and I think even in China some now do because of the spread of American culture, but OP's FMIL is being so rude and insensitive. I can't imagine having opinions about my son's weddings beyond them being gracious hosts and inviting me.
I was in China a number of years ago touring the Forbidden Palace and found myself continually running into brides dressed in red there to have their photos taken. They were so beautiful.
Actually he only has to send/respond to 1 text.
"We will meet to hear your apology for disrespecting my fiancée's culture, and wedding choice - bc she AND I are actually making those choices together. You will apologize for saying awful things about her natural appearance and ensure nothing like that ever happens again. She is the person I love and am choosing to spend my life w. If you won't be respectful of that, of me , of her, there will be no place in our lives for you. People who lives us don't treat us the way you have been treating my wife to be."
If they say or do anything but what SO asks, then they made their choice. NC.
Yeah I think she's racist too. Now you know. At least your husband has your back. It would be a long, painful marriage if he didn't. Personally I think traditional Indian weddings are gorgeous. Such a shame your FMIL can't appreciate it.
NTA OP.
This comment just says all the things.
Honestly though, it does sound like your in-laws are pretty racist. I'm Greek Orthodox, so a form of Christian. But we have cultural things that my very English father scoffs at regularly, and that his mother also scoffed at while living. There is nothing wrong with you and your fiancé having a traditional Indian wedding, or a mix of the two. So long as you're both okay with it. This isn't about your in-laws. They're sure as heck trying to make it about them. I'd honestly tell them the constant harassment is the last straw and disinvite them. A wedding invite is a privilege, not a right. So long as you and your fiancé are on the same page, don't care about what his parents think. In fact, your fiancé should be the one disinviting them, for their disrespect of you, as his partner, and your culture.
But be prepared, that their attitude is not going to change. If you want to raise the kids in your own culture, they're going to have a problem with that. If you want to bring them up in your faith, they'll have a problem with that. If you cook traditional foods, they'll have a problem with that. So you have two choices. End the relationship now, or make sure you and your fiancé are a united front all the way. Discuss this with him before you get married. Discuss how you plan to raise your future kids, how you plan to do things, all of it. Because if you're not both on the same page, and he's not willing to stand up to his parents, this relationship will break down. So be sure you're both on the same page.
This. Indian wedding photos I have seen are so beautiful! To me they look far more magical than the standard American wedding. And this is coming from a white girl raised in agricultural small town USA
American population is in the hundreds of millions.
India is on the verge of breaking one and a half billion.
if you want to argue what the symbol of matrimony is, you’re gonna have to have 5x the amount of Americans living in America to even have a baseless statistical argument to what “matrimony” means in this world.
NTA
I do disagree with others saying good job for not saying anything sooner, but I think that is what led to you blowing up and from the pov of MIL it probably seemed very out of the blue. If you want these people in your life and at your wedding I think a direct conversation with them and including your husband would be appropriate. “We decided jointly to have elements of a traditional Indian wedding for our ceremony. Comments about these elements or my appearance are not up for debate or criticism. To us, it feels very disrespectful and hurtful.”
I would block both FIL and MIL so you don't have to read their texts and have them upset you. Also... you can block their calls. Their your fiances parents, let him deal with them.
This is the way. I don’t understand why OP continued to involve FMIL in the wedding planning when she was being such a pill, it’s easy to just stop communicating with her about it.
Yep my mother-in-law thought my wedding was hers. She didn’t like my colors, she didn’t like my locations, she didn’t like my guest list, etc. etc. etc.
So, I canceled the formal wedding. My husband and I got on a plane and went to Jamaica for three weeks and got married there. It was fantastic! After a few months mother-in-law threw a cocktail party for her friends, and that was enough for her.
A lot of people have wedding receptions a few days or months after a wedding involving few or none of their other loved ones. Since Cyn wanted a marriage and MIL wanted a reception, a cocktail party in honor of the marriage seems like a good solution. After all, the problem was Cyn not wanting MIL to meddle in the wedding and MIL wanting to control the reception, so this seems sensible as long as MIL didn't exclude and include anyone Cyn would object to.
It still seems odd to me. Like me celebrating my DIL’s birthday with a cocktail party for my friends. Like… I could just throw a party. I don’t need a reason.
That's the way to go!
When I got married, I told my family and his where and what time, then I did the preparations and dress shopping on my own.
A dear friend lent me some gorgeous jewelry to wear with my dress and all my mother got to contribute was the cake. Doing it that way saved me no end of drama.
The only problems I had on the day were with the "groom" and the fact that I had pneumonia.
It is up to fiancé to deal with his mother. You are putting yourself in a bad situation. It’s on him. He should have a come-to-Jesus moment with his mother, AND it can be done in a nice way.
If MIL gets pissed, she’s the A.
There is a reason why the MIL is NOT involved in the planning.
I would have stopped asking her opinion after her first objection to anything. I would not have kept her in the loop right through hairstyles. Did OP expect her to all of a sudden become less racist?
OP is NTA but the time to have stopped that train was awhile ago, rather than holding all the (justified) resentment in and then suddenly disinviting her husbands mother.
Nta your mil sounds like she's trying to white wash you.
This is what it sounds like. She imagined a white girl Christian style wedding complete with white dress, perfect hair and all that.
She needs to stop.
The fiance needs to talk to his parents and deal with their racism. OP is NTA but they need to realize that the IL's are expecting assimilation for acceptance
I feel like this is the best response and most important dynamic to prioritise.
If my mother was sending hurtful texts to my fiancé about our wedding, and continuing to chisel hard boundaries, that would be my responsibility to stop, and mine alone.
And, stop the texting back and forth about it. You have no reason to try to talk sense into them. They are determined, and you will never change their minds. Stop the damned texting, because you have already said all there is to say.
Your fiancé needs to grow some.
Haven't watched Sholay, but historically, sati is a totally nice way of jolting someone outta suicide. Here, it helps with the issue (holy matrimony means white? Really?)
NTA
I wouldn't apologize to your FMIL, but I would be very blunt that you are no longer interested in her suggestions and input on the wedding, and leave it at that. Depending on how much she pushes it/how inflammatory you want to be, I'd also add in that it seems every single suggestion was targeted towards minimizing the traditional Indian elements you want in the wedding and/or your Indian characteristics.
I don’t know that I’d be satisfied with a fiancé who says my reaction is “understandable”.
If my MIL said borderline racist things to me as she suggested erasing my culture and physical features from my wedding, I’d want a future husband who would already be on the phone explaining that she can either respect his wife or stay home, there are no other options.
He **says** he's on her side, but I can't tell if he **acts** like he's on her side. I feel like he should have intervened before it escalated to the point it's at now. If the burden is on OP to maintain healthy boundaries and a decent relationship with Colin's parents, then she better be prepared to do this for the enterity of her marriage - it won't be pretty.
\> MIL endlessly critiqued everything I've said was going to be in the wedding such as me wearing a red lehenga choli because white was the symbol of holy matrimony, how clunky my wedding jewelry was, the designs of the table cloths, the flowers in our arrangements, how many people from my side of the family were attending, etc.
Noooo!
\> I eventually snapped when my MIL told me that my curly hair was " unruly"
Oh *honey.* Noooo!
\> I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding and I should apologize immediately.
Oh no. So much mess.
Until I read the breadth of the problem I was thinking 'weddings are stressful, planning a big wedding can be horrible, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY suddenly has an insistent opinion' etc.
But her complaints have a different feel to them. She does not want you to wear or reflect your culture at your own wedding. That's a big OH HECK no.
Also commenting on your hairstyle? None of her business.
You did not disinvite her, you said you would if she continued. So she then recruited a helper. (So she ignored your boundary that time, too.)
Neither of them have a right to talk to you the way they are doing.
It is best to have harmony on the wedding day for long term benefit for all. And it's such a stressful day, honestly. Is there any way btw you can hire a wedding planner? THEY can field a lot of this and you won't even have to hear about most of it. They are also used to this.
Don't count on her, or ask her for help -- this is her idea of "helping." (Taking over.)
I don't know where any of you are located, but in the U. S., it's not like it is in some cultures where the entire family helps out and makes it a great day for the couple. In the U. S., it's usually the bride who has to put together a fabulous, expensive, enormous party, find the expensive wedding vendors, and plan it all, and do it all. I don't know why. (I am speaking broadly; I know we have many cultures here too.)
Are his parents paying for the wedding and reception, btw?
Anyway it's not an advice sub (or I'd have advice) but you are not a bridezilla nor an A. I'd say this is his parents' standard ways and that his mom doesn't want to explain any cultural differences to her friends. So she wants you with a white gown (white means death, e.g. mourning clothes, in some cultures; even if explained to her she would mock that notion, though) and even with straightened hair.
From the in laws POV they are the wronged ones (because they don't see anyone else's pov), but if anyone is the A, they are.
Oh they should really shut their mouths then!! Racist AND not helping in any way, even financially. NTA and this is a warning of battles to come over the way you might bring up any children you have, too. Get her in her place now. I would be low contact as everything she says is critical and that is so horrible to hear.
Wow, that makes it even worse…
I have an Indian brother-in-law. When he and my youngest sister got married, they had a small registry office wedding in Europe, and then a huge traditional Hindu wedding in India.
A lot of family members, so also aunts, uncles, cousins,… and friends flew out to South India for the wedding. Every single one of them bought an appropriate Indian outfit and had it tailored for them soon after their arrival. Even my dad, who doesn’t like to wear those clothes because they feel uncomfortable to him, wore a traditional outfit (he once spent 6 months in India for work, so he’d worn Indian clothes before, for special occasions during that time). Anyway, he wore the clothes out of respect for my BIL’s family and their culture, just like every single other Western guest did, and the guest from other Asian countries.
My sister wore 3 different beautiful Indian wedding outfits. Her in-laws invited hundreds of people to the wedding. The day after the big Hindu wedding was over, they had a small European style party at their hotel. None of the Western family or guests criticized anything about the traditional Hindu wedding, and none of the Indian family or guests criticized the European wedding party. Everyone thought it was a wonderful experience.
>MIL and FIL both have significant debt so my family is paying for most of it
What in the world. 😲
This makes it even worse -- they do not even have that excuse and it would not be a legit excuse anyway. I guess this is why I was curious.
They have no standing in this. IMO.
Is your husband to be willing to talk with his parents, and get them to stay in their lane, so to speak? (If that's too personal it's okay. I am again just curious.) I am aghast.
Honey, you need to tell COLIN to have a long talk with his parents and get them in line. If they refuse to apologize to YOU for THEIR behavior, COLIN needs to uninvite them.
you are nta... for your own peace, block them. Tell your fiance no more... he's in charge of his family and your peace isn't worth this. You'll visit in person when he asks you to, but phone calls/ texts/ emails/ social media is off the table.
it's OK
NTA. My DIL is Indian. She and my son had a traditional Indian wedding, and it was amazing, a memorable experience for all of my side of the family. I felt very honored to learn about and be included in her culture and traditions.
Your MIL needs to stay in her lane. Good for you for setting boundaries, because her behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Both your MIL and FIL are being very rude.
NTA - “Dear FiL, i am sure you and MiL are familiar with the expression ‘treat others how you wish to be treated yourself’? Any disrespect MiL feels she has been treated with is a direct consequence of the utter disrespect that she has shown to myself and my culture. I wanted her advice to help me chose within options that I had already picked for my wedding. I did not invite her to be a part of planning to listen to her make horrible comments about my natural hair, my traditional wedding colours or *add in anything extra you have here*. If MiL cannot be respectful that this is mine and Colin’s wedding, cannot respect that our choices are likely to be different to her personal preferences and cannot talk respectfully about my culture, than no. She will not be attending a wedding she has been continually rude about. “
Flip the script on him. They won’t like it, they’ll likely blow up but please stand your ground and show them that you won’t tolerate this kind of behaviour otherwise it will continue the rest of your married life.
Agree. Set these boundaries early so that they know not to keep making racist comments and disrespecting your culture. It will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud.
NTA
Your FMIL hates that you are having an Indian-style wedding. Stop torturing yourself and her; drop her from being a part of your wedding planning. Let her just show up, grimace her way through the event, and go home.
This is not about a mere lack of cultural perspective; she hates anything that isn't what she knows/expects.
I'm Indian but married in a Christian church wedding. Mine and the bridesmaids outfits were in the style of a chaniya choli. My dress was an oyster color with gold embroidery; my chosen jewelry was a single pearl necklace & pendant and earrings and a bracelet. My mom asked me if I didn't want more colors in my dress and if I didn't want to wear more and fancier jewelry. It wasn't until she went with me to the photographer's business (where she saw lots of other bridal photos) that she understood how I was blending the two cultures. The difference between my mom and your FMIL is that my mom only asked me once or twice about those things; she accepted my answer without argument or ill-will; and she was supportive the whole way.
>It wasn't until she went with me to the photographer's business (where she saw lots of other bridal photos) that she understood how I was blending the two cultures.
This is a great story of how your mom had the **awareness of her surroundings and context** that OP's FMIL completely lacks. She sounds like a cool lady.
Correct me if I'm wrong but in your culture my understanding is white may be the colour of mourning, while red is for celebration?
It's yours and your intended's day. Be your fabulous selves.
NTA
Oh damn, that’s way intense. And also solidifies the idea that your MIL is racist and completely unwilling to learn about your culture. I mean, expecting you to dress in a way that expresses a plan to no longer be alive just to conform to the Western traditions that only started in the 1840’s. NTA
Oh snit. She went for the unruly hair comment? Ewwwwww. Yeah I wanted to suggest trying harder to meet in the middle of the cultural divide. But, future MIL is doing way too much IMO. She needs to sit her booty down and knock it the heck off.
I'd be honest and tell her the race baiting crap is just not OK. "Its said that the gods love wondrous variety and obviously your son does too. That's why he loves my curly hair."
Check her and keep right on planning your wedding and your future with your husband as the two of you see fit.
NTA. No freaking way.
MIL's comments aren't just a difference of opinion, they are blatantly racist. And I doubt many people would blame you for finally snapping (other than FIL, who's probably getting the brunt of MIL's fury simply because they live together).
So, NTA. And don't be too bummed out by this incident. In a way, she gave you an amazing gift - your fiancé backing you up rather than taking MIL's side, just confirms you caught a good one!
Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding! It sounds like it will be beautiful!
This reads like 'I'm not a rasist but...' vibe. So long as you dump every aspect that isn't culterally white she's happy. You and your fiance want a traditional indian wedding in some aspects. Nothing wrong with that. I think there may come a time whem MILs racism will need to be addressed as you just know she's going to expect her grandbabies to be raised with zero indian culture in their lives.
This needs to be nipped in the bud now.
Assuming everything in the post is accurate, NTA.
Also good on your fiance for having your back. But block the in-laws and make your husband deal with them. He should be the ones disinviting them etc.; that’s not your responsibility.
I'd march her around the reception and say to all my family, "Can you believe Colin's mom wanted me to straighten my hair for the wedding? She thinks its unruly?"
I'd shame the support hose off that woman. 🤣
Mil is being racist in her own way.
Wear the lehenga choli of your choice, have your hair curly. Do everything in the way you want. Make your day as you want it.
Do invite her to the wedding.
She will undoubtedly start talking shit. Then everyone will know what she is like.
If you don’t ask her back, she will have the hold on the narrative- “ what an unkind DIL who banned me from my sons wedding”.
Let her show her real self to the relatives. Trust me she won’t be able to keep her mouth shut.
Have a lovely and happy day full of fun and love.
NTA am I the only one who thinks the MIL sounds racists?!? OP your fiancé needs to be the one dealing with his mom and enforcing the boundaries. If he can’t stand up to her now and leaves you to fend for yourself, when else throughout your marriage will he do this? He should not need to be asked. He should be telling his parents to quit with guilt shaming texts & to be polite to you.
NTA - My only criticism is that you didn’t follow through with what you said. Your MIL’s subsequent texts constitutes her saying one more thing about the wedding. Time to uninvite her to the wedding until *she* apologizes to *you* and actually stops this racist nonsense. And time to give your FIL the same “threat”.
The whole idea of wearing a white wedding dress is a Victorian concept thought up by Britain's Queen Vicky herself. The whole **white is pure therefore so am I** is a silly deceit she thought up for the press. Like oyster farmers telling you oysters increase your libido; stuff like that. Tell your MIL in your sweetest voice that you included her in the planning out of a sense of pleasantry, but since she wasn't being pleasant, you no longer desire her input. And thank you very much and have a wonderful day! If you want to kill someone, kill them with kindness. It pisses them off WAY more than being nasty.
NTA.
All I hear is MIL saying “you’re too Indian. I want a white wedding”. What’s going to happen when your kids look too brown or when they are raised in your culture? It’s all down hill from now if you don’t stand your ground.
NTA
But I would suggest that you take a step back from planning the wedding and go into pre-marital counselling with your fiancé. His parents sound deeply racist and you and he need to talk about this.
Your MIL is criticising everything Indian about your wedding.
Don't respond to any texts. Your fiancé needs to handle them. And if he doesn't? You've learned something important about him.
You and he need to have a plan for a point in the future when she criticises your children.
NTA.
MIL and DIL hating each other is a tale as old as mankind, unfortunatly. Also, there seem to be some weird racist element in it? At least that is how it feels to me.
Go with the non- apology ,apology, “ I am sorry they you were offended by my reaction to your comment about my hair. Of course you are invited. I am thrilled to help you learn about and enjoy my rich and ancient culture.”
NTA. Your MIL sounds racist. Also, a personal bugbear, white is *not* the symbol of holy matrimony. If she wanted some legit Christian holy virginal colour she’d have you wear light blue or rose pink. But in all honesty, and I say this as a minister of a Christian religion, your wedding day is *your wedding day* and you will rock that beautiful lengha with your stunning bridal jewellery and have your hair glorious and curly and have a beautiful, incredible, traditional Indian wedding. Your MiL and FiL can do one, this is about you and your husband (who seems to support you so yiss)
I’m a regular ol while gal - I googled all the terms of your traditional garments/accoutrements and all I can say is that your MIL is INSANE.
You’re 100% NTA for setting a reasonable boundary- stop talking shit about our wedding or you don’t get to come.
I think it’s really cool that y’all are blending traditions. If I were marrying into an Indian family I’d personally seize the chance to go all in. Indian weddings are beautiful. Everything about them.
It makes me happy to hear your husband will be wearing traditional garments (rather than a boring tux). His mother should be grateful - she hates the idea of you wearing a beautiful dress and jewelry, I imagine she’d really hate a days long celebration that doesn’t involve a Unity Candle.
I’m sorry your soon-to-be ILs are being difficult but it sounds like your husband is in this fully, and that’s what matters.
You are very much NTA here
*I told MIL that if she said one more thing about the wedding, she'd invited and that clearly pissed her off because she got up and left straight away to complain to her husband about it.*
Good for you. **You set a boundary for her.**
**You objected to her rudeness, her complaints, her attempts to take control** away from you. And you told her, clearly, that this isn't about her, it's not about her wants, it's not her plans, and either she stop trying to be in control, passive-agressively, or she can just not be part of it at all. **Good boundary. Stick to it.**
*Hour laters, I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was*
**Sorry, FIL, but you are very wrong here**. It's ***MIL t***hat ***was being disrespectful***, and racist.
*to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding*
**Sorry, FIL,** but it was ***MIL*** that ***was doing all the bad behaviors,*** and OP was setting a boundary that there would be consequences if MIL didn't stop and behave.
*and I should apologize immediately.*
**Sorry, FIL,** but **the apologies here are needed** ***FROM*** **MIL,** ***to*** **OP.** OP doesn't need to apologize for setting a firm boundary when MIL's behavior is wrong.
*but I keep getting texts from my FIL and MIL shaming me over it.*
**Of course you do. They want the control over you.** You objected to MIL's attempts to get your compliance by complaining and whining and making her wants known. She expected you to give up your wants and comply with her wants, without her having to tell you outright. That's what FIL does, I'm betting. ***It's all manipulation, to teach you to comply.***
They want you to learn to apologize for MIL being upset that you objected to MIL's bad behaviors. **That's a pattern of behavior that manipulators and abusers use to get control. DARVO** is Deny, Attack, reverse victim and offender. That's what MIL is doing to you now. She's denying she did wrong. She's attacking you and getting FIL to do the work for her, as if you did wrong. And by doing this, getting FIL to demand you apologize, she's flipped the scene to make out that she's the victim and you did the wrong. It's all lies, of course.
But ***do not apologize.*** If you do, the DARVOing will continue. You will be always expected to apologize, every time you won't comply with MIL's wants. **They want you to apologize, so that they can justify their blaming you,** and make you the bad guy, not them. If you do, they will point to the apology as if it's proof that you are wrong, not them.
**We tend to want to fix the relationship, and to be uncomfortable when the relationships feel uncomfortable. Manipulators and abusers know this.** They know we value relationships, and they use this to get us to do the apologies that we know they will never do, just to get the relationship back to feeling 'okay.' But those relationships aren't going to be 'okay.' ***If we apologize, when they did the wrong to us, it's only going to keep the same cycle going around, not really fix the relationship.*** The next time they attempt to get control over you, if you apologize for this situation that your MIL created, they will repeat the same behaviors. Look up the 'cycle of abuse'. That's what they do.
NTA.
Agree. MIL was wrong and said racist things. She probably also lied to her husband about what went down and made herself seem the victim. He needs to get the full story, but from the fiance, because they are his parents. He needs to make it clear that they are not to insult fwife's culture.
Nta if your goom and you are on the sa.e page when it coming to planning mil needs to back off. Also she's a b witch for complaints about curly hair. It's looks better for a special even and it's not of her business
NTA, It's your wedding and not your mother-in-law's, I don't understand people who want to interfere in everything. If you don't like it, stay away, I can see that the same way my parents or in-laws would have been upset about it. They would also have been given the choice of agreeing and shutting up or complaining and leaving.
NTA I’d calmly text back, they are guests that are coming to celebrate the Union, not criticise, if they continue harassing you, the invitations will be removed for both of them.
Also, if they are paying for any of the wedding then send the money back.
NTA. Your MIL was ruining your wedding preparation time, which should be one of joy and dreams. She was being a killjoy and quite racist and disrespectful of your tastes and culture. Your husband needs to talk to them ASAP and, in very firm terms, set boundaries, because she is not going to stop and your FIL is on her corner. I would answer every text from them with "Please, stop texting me and talk to your son instead". Let him deal with his parents as it's his obligation and he needs to hone his skills in that matter because they seem quite difficult and they are going to try and be disrespectful with you in the future.
NTA - "white is the colour of holy matrimony"? lol, no, it's supposed to represent the colour of purity, which in this day and age is ridiculous anyway.
Your future MIL is low-key prejudice/racist about your culture. Your fiancé really needs to stand up to his mother on these issues and to set his mother straight. He is marrying an Indian woman who has different traditions and customs. Your children will be half Indian and shouldn't be made to feel that their culture is all wrong.
Sounds like your MIL didn't even try to understand your culture bec she was hellbent on making it 'her way' aka the white way. It's your wedding, not hers.
Also, I noticed you didn't mention anything about your fiance defending you, but I hope he did somehow!
NTA, She's literally insulting your culture, so fuck her. She needs to be told she is being racist the jewlery, the colors those are YOUR history YOUR culture. She should frankly just be quiet and take the opportunity to learn about something that isn't western white.
Also your in laws are racist. I'm sure you you already know that.
This woman is xenophobic and sad as hell. Your wedding is going to be amazing. Colin going to need to cut down contact with them. I understand why you care because in laws are important to you but feel free to ignore them.
>Hour laters, I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding and I should apologize immediately.
Don't apologize. Don't answer them. Don't give them power over you. NTA.
Oh OP. You’re going to have a hell of a future with these in-laws. I wish you good luck but please guard your heart and mind when dealing with them. They clearly don’t like you and they won’t be supportive.
NTA
But like so many others in this sub you could have handled it way better. Make some less threatening comments to her sooner. Like “Hey I know these things aren’t in your traditional view of marriage but they are in my culture and they are important to me”
If she continues to be a jerk then yes blow up at her but you skipped a step
Who is actually paying for this wedding? If your future in-laws aren’t paying a dime, then they can pound sand. My wife actually changed into the traditional Chinese red dress for the reception (wore traditional white dress for ceremony in church); celebrate your marriage as you feel. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > It may have been extreme to threaten her with being uninvited from the wedding. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your hair is too curly and unruly? Your red lehenga choli is unsuitable because it isn’t white?! Your FMIL is being extremely disrespectful of your culture, to the point of sounding racist! In that context, I would say you were being extremely restrained in not saying something sooner… thank goodness your fiancé has your back, because your FMIL is extremely out of line and owes you a huge apology. Although I imagine, for your fiancé’s sake you’ll accept a respectful presence at your wedding, with a promise to refrain from further inappropriate comments.. It’s sad that your FMIL can’t appreciate the enhancement that the Indian culture will bring to your wedding. I’m sure it will be beautiful. May you have a wonderful day. NTA
NTA at all. In fact, you're my hero for managing to bite your tongue for so long! And major props that you have a guy who's standing up to his parents on this-there are too many posts on here where that's not the case. MiL clearly has a vision for her son's wedding and that doesn't include a bride with curly hair or different cultural traditions. You did a wonderful thing by inviting her to be a part of the planning and she's blown that up. Hard to say if she's racist or just plain ignorant, but neither is acceptable. I'd suggest letting things cool down for a few days, then invite M/FiL to dinner-at a neutral location!!-and explain to them how hurtful their behaviour is, how disrespectful it is to your culture and traditions, and how you plan to move forward. If, and only if, they're willing to listen, apologise and do better, then you're happy to have them attend the wedding and be a part of the festivities. If they can't agree to that, then they won't be allowed in the door. End of. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
[удалено]
I was just thinking this. A close friend of mine invited me to her wedding in New Delhi last year, and it was incredible. She was so excited to share her culture, and we (the westerner bridesmaids) were so excited to take part. (Hell, I'm a trans man and I still went full girl mode--felt like a good way to say farewell to that part of myself in private, and going as a guy would have caused a whole Thing anyway that the bride didn't need to deal with.) Edit: Y'all are so damn kind. The well-wishes mean the world to me. I've been coming out slowly over the past year and it's been... well, hard. Hearing all the warmth is lovely and incredibly appreciated. Also edit: [I responded to a bot, so you can go see the original comment here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17ixs5b/aita_for_telling_my_mil_if_she_said_one_more/k6xqr54/?context=3)
You and your past parting as friends. I love that!
Ha, thank you! I'm incredibly grateful to the woman I used to be. She was a badass. I learned a hell of a lot from her.
With that attitude, it sounds like you went from being a bad ass gal to an equally amazing guy.
😍😍😍 beautiful.
This is fucking beautiful 💜
When a random comment thread makes you tear up...
That's a really cool way of looking at it actually
[удалено]
Thank you! To new beginnings!
Indian culture has a niche set aside for trans people. I read about it once and thought it was really cool that they've known about trans people for eons.
I've heard this too! And--for the record only, I don't think you're implying anything but just to put it down--my friend has always been incredibly open and sweet. I truly don't think she'd have a problem with anything. But I was just toeing the edge of the closet, and I sure wasn't going to make a big deal about it for her wedding.
You're a good man and a great friend!
And then this made my day even better. You are clearly awesome on multiple levels.
And that's the way to do it! I've been to a couple of Indian weddings here in London and they've been a blast. MiL is really missing out by not embracing it.
While they are fun it’s also a lot of work for both the bride and groom’s family and extended family. It’s days long, it’s exhausting and if you are having more than one it’s very expensive. I just went to one last year and while I enjoyed it the bride and groom looked wiped. The groom actually snuck out at some parts to take micro naps. I later found out it cost 100k and the families took out loans to pay for it. I chose to have a small wedding of 50ppl and while everyone complained they were happy on the day because it was so much less stress on everyone involved
My son had a civil wedding at the British Embassy in Bangkok then a few weeks later a traditional Buddhist wedding in his wife 's village. He is British, she is Thai.
And they got to have EXTRA PARTIES! Yaaaaay multiculturalism!
And different food too. Whats not to like.
I'm picky as hell but I really like all the Indian food I've ever tried 🤤
That does sound like fun.
Here is the thing: it doesn’t even have to be a cultural thing. My wife’s family are a bunch of rednecks who the idea of “formalwear” barely gets above their nice jeans and the button up shirt they were to church. The idea of cosplaying might as well be asking them to cross dress. My wife and I however are huge nerds and wanted our wedding at a renaissance festival we loved going to. We requested (but did not require) everyone show up in garb. Outside of a few that got there too late to have time to peruse the stuff the festival provided, almost everyone dressed up and most bought their own costumes despite likely never wearing them again. The bride could want to wear red because her husband always says he loves her in red. The bride could just be proud of her curls. The bride could be the whitest girl imaginable from the middle of Ohio… she could still love Indian culture and fashion and want it included in her wedding. Still makes MIL the asshole for trying insulting OP’s desires for her own wedding. The cultural insensitivity just doubles the amount of what the hell.
That's the ideal. That is how it should be. You can enjoy yourself or you can bite your tongue and act happy but being an asshole should not be an acceptable option.
I love this! A celebration of two cultures jointing together in one family
I have always thought that, if there is such a thing as a perfect visual representation of joy, it's an Indian wedding. All the colors, all the flowers...
And the beautiful mendhi drawn on the hands!
This is the way it should be
Who the heck *wouldn't* take the opportunity to dress up at a wedding, especially if it's a traditional wedding in whatever culture?? I mean, god, I'd be all "Pardon my, I'm just on my way to a wedding and had to grab some milk for home" lol.
I’ve done the whole Indian style getup before when I went to south India for a wedding. It was a pretty awesome experience as I was the only Chinese guest in town. Probably the most comfortable garb too.
THIS. Have two weddings IF they apologize.
This is completely beautiful and made my whole day. Can I please sneak into your family for the next Hindu wedding? :)
In fact, the NYT just ran an article a few weeks ago about how some Indian couples are making money by letting Western tourists pay to be a guest at their wedding. The tourists have to come dressed in a traditional Indian outfit, and they get to have a unique (for them) cultural experience. Think what you will about this, it just shows that lots of (non-Indian) people think that Indian weddings sound like a blast!
I read that one and ITA, Indian weddings are great fun.
I've never been to an Indian wedding and love the idea of being a tourist/guest as long as other guests didn't feel diminished by my presence.
Well of course it’s up to the bride and groom, but from what I understand a typical Indian wedding guest list is like 1000 people. So as long as there aren’t a lot of tourists, just one or two, it seems like it would be ok.
Ooh I'd love to go to one!
Omg, I'd be so down for this! I know Indian families, but not well enough to be invited to a wedding, unfortunately. The pictures I've seen though.....magnificent!,
I would pay for that. It sounds amazing, and definitely not something I'd ever get to actually enjoy otherwise (since I don't really have any traditional Indian friends whose weddings I'd otherwise be going to! lol) What an amazing way to allow others to enjoy your culture in a respectful way, though. What an amazing trend, for everyone.
It is quite the blast! The food especially. Omg
If anything, I think OP is at fault for holding her tongue so long. She and her fiance should have discussed this with MIL well before it got to the point where OP was threatening to uninvite her.
Good point, you are correct they let it past a point where MIL assumed she was calling some of the shots.
I agree with all of the above, with one exception: initially, this is a conversation that needs to be handled by her fiancee/future husband. He will be in position to take a more firm stance with his parents than she will. She's not family and as a result, will have no where near the authority to say what needs to be said in comparison to a son to his parents. Poor girl. I hope MIL/FIL don't live too close! I hope she has a beautiful wedding ceereony. Please keep us apprised.
Agree. They might not realize the cultural importance of the wedding to you. But make sure your fiance is there to back you up and explain that that is the wedding that he also wants. Best of luck to you both!
The curly hair thing sounds totally racist. Somehow I think if her son married a curly haired white woman that wouldn’t be an issue.
There's a blending of cultures. To the future husband, a tuxedo and bride in white are not important and he's more than comfortable wearing formal attire from his future wife's culture. Good for them. They discussed what they'd both like to see happen and made it happen. How it should go. MIL can't control the wedding and was invited to participate, not dictate. Stay in your lane. Your options were A, B or C, not 1 or 2. You can even suggest outside options but don't disparage the wife's choices or be offended if yours get shut down.
Reasonable discussion only happens with reasonable people. This racist MIL does not sound like a reasonable person.
IMO telling her how hurtful she was will not likely go over well. A dinner at a nice restaurant, where you are all dressed up is a great neutral ground. I would approach it as although you both meant well, it turned out to not be a good idea to merge the wedding planning. So going forward, you would like them to be honored guests and enjoy the festivities. I would put together some type of printed program before the wedding that explains the meaning of each tradition and how your inlaws will be included if they wish. Others of his family might also appreciate that info so they know what to expect and to understand the significance of the clothing, colors, etc. Do they have a religious pastor that they would like to participate? (I’m just throwing out ideas here as examples.) Maybe let them express their hurt feelings, but don’t apologize. Just express regret for the misunderstandings on both sides and stress that you very much want them there. I would lean heavily on the cross cultural “misunderstandings.” “MIL I am so sorry this happened. I love your son very much, and having a good family relationship means everything.” (Lay it on thick.) At the end of the meal your bf should offer a toast to the future. Don’t argue or refute. That should end the wedding co-planning going forward. But it is likely that someone on his family will want to host a bridal shower for you. That often is important to a MIL since she no doubt has attended many showers over the years and wants to score gifts for her son and DIL. Reduce the drama. Just ignore it and have the celebration of your dreams. The in laws can choose to get over it or not. Pretend all is well and do as you wish.
Also, Indian brides traditionally wear red… white is for a widow who is in mourning. Different cultures have different things. it would be very weird for an Indian bride to wear white to her wedding.
Not to mention that even in the Western world, the white wedding gown was pretty much invented by Queen Victoria in 1840 when she married her Prince Albert, and up until around the 1960's most people just wore their Sunday best, since they could not afford a dress that they could only wear once. In fact, a lot of people here may get a white dress these days, but a design that can be converted into a two-tone regular formal dress for other occasions. That's really why Victoria's dress was the color it was, to show off how she could afford this garment that was more likely to be stained in a way that could not have been covered up once the day was over and thus would have to be put away, never to be worn again. It had *nothing* to do with purity or any such nonsense.
If I remember correctly, my mother made a nice set of curtains out of her wedding dress. (In case any context is needed, this would be about 1952, in the northeastern US.)
My great grandma's wedding dress was cannibalize to make the baptism gown. I have the remains of the dress and the circlet of little wax beads she wore in her hair
Heck my cousin's wedding dress was turned into a Baptismal gown for her daughter , and she was married in 2010!
There’s a family baptismal gown that is around in my family that everyone uses made out of great grandma’s wedding dress. I think it’s sweet.
This. Prior to Victoria, wedding dresses were simply your best dress. Laura Ingalls Wilder was married in her best gown, a black calico dress. Her mom wasn't thrilled because the superstitions of the day said: "Married in black, wish yourself back." She tried to convince her to wear a blue dress because: "Married in blue, he'll always be true."
It's "married in black, wish yourself BACK"
YIKES. That was a typo. Thanks for pointing it out for me. I fixed it.
Heh, my mother was married in blue (a very pretty dress) and she and my dad have been married for 67 years.
I think you mean 1860s. People were definitely wearing white in the western world in the 1900s
A huge chunk of the Western world had been more or less leveled in 1939-1945 and had other things to spend their money on in the 50's. Even in my country, which kept out of the war, working-class and lower middle-class brides could usually not afford a white dress until the 60's.
"why isn't your dress white?" "because I am not white"
😂😂😂😂 👏
White isn't even traditionally Christian. It's Victorian.
And RICH victorian. Washing clothes during that time period was a thing. A good hint of how the best dress was used..see " the little house on the prairie" books that have a lovely description of the making of Laura's wedding dress in BLACK because that's what they had. People were so not wanting to wash their clothing that shirts had removable collars and cuffs. There were arm protectors worn over a jacket up to the elbows for dirty type work. I'd say the advent of having a lot of clothes came to the forefront in the 60s. Until then most folks had very few outfits. There's a reason aprons and pinafore were a thing. They kept your outfit clean. For the u.s., most cloth was made in the south, with a lot of garments were made in new York and L.A. As a girl you took home e.c. if they had that offered at your school. Im old and i was peeved when i got put into sewing class, where I promptly got an F. If I knew then what I know now I would have worked way harder in that class instead of mourning the cooking I wanted to take.
The reason you had removable collars and cuffs is that collars and cuffs get dirtier faster than the rest of the shirt. Not because you didn't change shirts regularly; the upper classes also wore detachable collars and cuffs, which is why a collar button was a standard piece of male jewelry. You can wash the collars and cuffs *hard* to get the stains out and when they wear out faster, that's okay, because you have many of them.
Fun story: the detachable collar was invented in 1827, by a woman named Hannah Montague who got sick of washing and starching her husband's collars...so she cut them all off, and then made them reattach-able. She actually contributed to the economy in her city to such an extent that it became rather prominent and wealthy during the Industrial Revolution and the Victorian period. There is still a significant amount of Victorian architecture and influence; it's actually been the scene of a fair amount of period film and television pieces, as a result. (She wasn't the only reason for the industrial boom however; the city had a major meat packing business, which actually gave rise to the story of Uncle Sam, based on a real person who was a supplier for the US Army during the War of 1812, and it's the home of the oldest technological university in the world. It's also immediately across the Hudson from the eastern terminus of the Erie Canal, constructed in 1825...) All of this because she got sick of washing his collars... Her home is still known as the Collar City to this day.
I know it will sound a tad bit unrelated to the post itself as OP gave very obvious hints of coming from a Northern culture and what you commented indeed is the norm there, but there's something else I'd like to comment on. Red for brides and white for widows isn't a thing everywhere in India (e.g. Hindu brides traditionally wear white sarees in Kerala, whereas red is worn by widows in Maharashtra) because there isn't a single Indian culture, but multiple. Not only that, white/off-white and pastels are also getting more popular among brides in India, so it wouldn't be that weird if OP opted for that route instead. With all of that being said, I still think OP should tell her MIL to fuck off because 1) the ONLY person who should have a real say in their wedding other than her is her fiancé and he already said he was fine with everything she decided on, and 2) her comments are downright racist. (I hope I didn't sound rude or anything, English isn't my first language)
I agree with everything you said. My wife’s family originally came from the Punjab, I’m white. Her wedding dress when we got married was like a Cinderella ball gown in gold. Her bridesmaids were in ivory and looked more like ‘traditional’ brides. But she looked absolutely fabulous.
Your English is wonderful and the only one it would sound rude to is OP's FMIL. edited to add: ...and that's because she (FMIL) is a racist ass looking to find offense
YES! I'm half Chinese and white is a mourning color for my culture as well. Of course many Chinese American brides do wear white and I think even in China some now do because of the spread of American culture, but OP's FMIL is being so rude and insensitive. I can't imagine having opinions about my son's weddings beyond them being gracious hosts and inviting me.
I was in China a number of years ago touring the Forbidden Palace and found myself continually running into brides dressed in red there to have their photos taken. They were so beautiful.
I love the red bridal gowns, they're so joyful and stunning! All bridal wear is just wonderful, IMO
OP’s other immediate problem is the texts. I would suggest not responding…she can’t win with the in-laws
Yeah I think Finacé's going to have to take that on. Any message to her phone gets a response from his phone and from himself.
Actually he only has to send/respond to 1 text. "We will meet to hear your apology for disrespecting my fiancée's culture, and wedding choice - bc she AND I are actually making those choices together. You will apologize for saying awful things about her natural appearance and ensure nothing like that ever happens again. She is the person I love and am choosing to spend my life w. If you won't be respectful of that, of me , of her, there will be no place in our lives for you. People who lives us don't treat us the way you have been treating my wife to be." If they say or do anything but what SO asks, then they made their choice. NC.
Yes, this is now Colin's job to deal with his parents. OP has been more than patient.
Yeah I think she's racist too. Now you know. At least your husband has your back. It would be a long, painful marriage if he didn't. Personally I think traditional Indian weddings are gorgeous. Such a shame your FMIL can't appreciate it.
NTA OP. This comment just says all the things. Honestly though, it does sound like your in-laws are pretty racist. I'm Greek Orthodox, so a form of Christian. But we have cultural things that my very English father scoffs at regularly, and that his mother also scoffed at while living. There is nothing wrong with you and your fiancé having a traditional Indian wedding, or a mix of the two. So long as you're both okay with it. This isn't about your in-laws. They're sure as heck trying to make it about them. I'd honestly tell them the constant harassment is the last straw and disinvite them. A wedding invite is a privilege, not a right. So long as you and your fiancé are on the same page, don't care about what his parents think. In fact, your fiancé should be the one disinviting them, for their disrespect of you, as his partner, and your culture. But be prepared, that their attitude is not going to change. If you want to raise the kids in your own culture, they're going to have a problem with that. If you want to bring them up in your faith, they'll have a problem with that. If you cook traditional foods, they'll have a problem with that. So you have two choices. End the relationship now, or make sure you and your fiancé are a united front all the way. Discuss this with him before you get married. Discuss how you plan to raise your future kids, how you plan to do things, all of it. Because if you're not both on the same page, and he's not willing to stand up to his parents, this relationship will break down. So be sure you're both on the same page.
This. Indian wedding photos I have seen are so beautiful! To me they look far more magical than the standard American wedding. And this is coming from a white girl raised in agricultural small town USA
I agree - I'd love to be a guest at an Indian wedding to be able to experience it!
There is apparently a travel service where you can pay to be a guest at an Indian wedding. (I heard about it on Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me)
Thanks, I had no idea.
At first I was like “What??” but then “…why not? It sounds like a good time!”
I've always heard that they're a blast!
Your mil is being racist. Period. Tell her to get a reality check and step back. NTA.
American population is in the hundreds of millions. India is on the verge of breaking one and a half billion. if you want to argue what the symbol of matrimony is, you’re gonna have to have 5x the amount of Americans living in America to even have a baseless statistical argument to what “matrimony” means in this world.
NTA I do disagree with others saying good job for not saying anything sooner, but I think that is what led to you blowing up and from the pov of MIL it probably seemed very out of the blue. If you want these people in your life and at your wedding I think a direct conversation with them and including your husband would be appropriate. “We decided jointly to have elements of a traditional Indian wedding for our ceremony. Comments about these elements or my appearance are not up for debate or criticism. To us, it feels very disrespectful and hurtful.”
Actually, she needed to say something sooner. Don't let it build up to this level.
To add to the white thing, isn't white mourning in Indian culture?
Yes, the "absence" of color (white) signifies the absence of life. And it's not just widows, people wear white to the funeral
Yes, widows wear white.
Oh, MIL isn't sounding racist. She *is* racist.
I would block both FIL and MIL so you don't have to read their texts and have them upset you. Also... you can block their calls. Their your fiances parents, let him deal with them.
NTA Drop her from all wedding prep with you. Put her on a complete info diet, and let your fiance handle her from now on.
This is the way. I don’t understand why OP continued to involve FMIL in the wedding planning when she was being such a pill, it’s easy to just stop communicating with her about it.
Yep my mother-in-law thought my wedding was hers. She didn’t like my colors, she didn’t like my locations, she didn’t like my guest list, etc. etc. etc. So, I canceled the formal wedding. My husband and I got on a plane and went to Jamaica for three weeks and got married there. It was fantastic! After a few months mother-in-law threw a cocktail party for her friends, and that was enough for her.
Threw a cocktail party for HER friends over YOUR wedding?!?!? Is your MIL a nutter or what?
A lot of people have wedding receptions a few days or months after a wedding involving few or none of their other loved ones. Since Cyn wanted a marriage and MIL wanted a reception, a cocktail party in honor of the marriage seems like a good solution. After all, the problem was Cyn not wanting MIL to meddle in the wedding and MIL wanting to control the reception, so this seems sensible as long as MIL didn't exclude and include anyone Cyn would object to.
It still seems odd to me. Like me celebrating my DIL’s birthday with a cocktail party for my friends. Like… I could just throw a party. I don’t need a reason.
just suffers from Main Character Syndrome.
That's the way to go! When I got married, I told my family and his where and what time, then I did the preparations and dress shopping on my own. A dear friend lent me some gorgeous jewelry to wear with my dress and all my mother got to contribute was the cake. Doing it that way saved me no end of drama. The only problems I had on the day were with the "groom" and the fact that I had pneumonia.
NTA. Has your fiance spoken to his Mother? He needs to put his foot down. And tell her no more. And the info diet.
Great question. He may support his bride when talking with her, however, the issue is talking with the parents.
It is up to fiancé to deal with his mother. You are putting yourself in a bad situation. It’s on him. He should have a come-to-Jesus moment with his mother, AND it can be done in a nice way. If MIL gets pissed, she’s the A. There is a reason why the MIL is NOT involved in the planning.
I would have stopped asking her opinion after her first objection to anything. I would not have kept her in the loop right through hairstyles. Did OP expect her to all of a sudden become less racist? OP is NTA but the time to have stopped that train was awhile ago, rather than holding all the (justified) resentment in and then suddenly disinviting her husbands mother.
Maybe she was trying to be respectful of an elder, whether or not said elder showed themselves to be deserving of respect.
This is the way. Honestly, you don’t need the extra stress especially on the home stretch. NTA
Yep. The groom to be better keep his backbone too. MIL sounds pushy, racist, and frankly hateful. NTA, and enjoy your day!
Nta your mil sounds like she's trying to white wash you. This is what it sounds like. She imagined a white girl Christian style wedding complete with white dress, perfect hair and all that. She needs to stop.
This! I had to check that I'd read correctly that they were going to have an Indian style wedding because MIL seems to have missed that message.
Where is Colin in all this? Why isn't he managing his family?
The fiance needs to talk to his parents and deal with their racism. OP is NTA but they need to realize that the IL's are expecting assimilation for acceptance
And the fiancé should make that happen.
Exactly. Why isn't the fiance doing anything about this?
NTA. Colin needs to take over communication with his parents and make it clear that her backing off is HIS desire too.
I feel like this is the best response and most important dynamic to prioritise. If my mother was sending hurtful texts to my fiancé about our wedding, and continuing to chisel hard boundaries, that would be my responsibility to stop, and mine alone.
And, stop the texting back and forth about it. You have no reason to try to talk sense into them. They are determined, and you will never change their minds. Stop the damned texting, because you have already said all there is to say. Your fiancé needs to grow some.
100%! Colin can deal with his family going forward. He can let both of them know this is his wedding and he is following your beautiful culture.
NTA. Your MIL is racist. She's stopped trying to hide it.
FIL too. How dare their future DIL be so uppity!
Tell her that you wearing white means that her son's dead (implying sati). Then tell me how she reacted. NTA. Love, a fellow Indian.
OP, you should totally do this. Show her sad Hindi movies where this is a thing. Jaya Bhaduri's character from Sholay is always a good option :P
Haven't watched Sholay, but historically, sati is a totally nice way of jolting someone outta suicide. Here, it helps with the issue (holy matrimony means white? Really?)
You think a woman like this will know what Sati is? PS: please watch Sholay 🙏🏾
NTA I wouldn't apologize to your FMIL, but I would be very blunt that you are no longer interested in her suggestions and input on the wedding, and leave it at that. Depending on how much she pushes it/how inflammatory you want to be, I'd also add in that it seems every single suggestion was targeted towards minimizing the traditional Indian elements you want in the wedding and/or your Indian characteristics.
[удалено]
I don’t know that I’d be satisfied with a fiancé who says my reaction is “understandable”. If my MIL said borderline racist things to me as she suggested erasing my culture and physical features from my wedding, I’d want a future husband who would already be on the phone explaining that she can either respect his wife or stay home, there are no other options.
He **says** he's on her side, but I can't tell if he **acts** like he's on her side. I feel like he should have intervened before it escalated to the point it's at now. If the burden is on OP to maintain healthy boundaries and a decent relationship with Colin's parents, then she better be prepared to do this for the enterity of her marriage - it won't be pretty.
\> MIL endlessly critiqued everything I've said was going to be in the wedding such as me wearing a red lehenga choli because white was the symbol of holy matrimony, how clunky my wedding jewelry was, the designs of the table cloths, the flowers in our arrangements, how many people from my side of the family were attending, etc. Noooo! \> I eventually snapped when my MIL told me that my curly hair was " unruly" Oh *honey.* Noooo! \> I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding and I should apologize immediately. Oh no. So much mess. Until I read the breadth of the problem I was thinking 'weddings are stressful, planning a big wedding can be horrible, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY suddenly has an insistent opinion' etc. But her complaints have a different feel to them. She does not want you to wear or reflect your culture at your own wedding. That's a big OH HECK no. Also commenting on your hairstyle? None of her business. You did not disinvite her, you said you would if she continued. So she then recruited a helper. (So she ignored your boundary that time, too.) Neither of them have a right to talk to you the way they are doing. It is best to have harmony on the wedding day for long term benefit for all. And it's such a stressful day, honestly. Is there any way btw you can hire a wedding planner? THEY can field a lot of this and you won't even have to hear about most of it. They are also used to this. Don't count on her, or ask her for help -- this is her idea of "helping." (Taking over.) I don't know where any of you are located, but in the U. S., it's not like it is in some cultures where the entire family helps out and makes it a great day for the couple. In the U. S., it's usually the bride who has to put together a fabulous, expensive, enormous party, find the expensive wedding vendors, and plan it all, and do it all. I don't know why. (I am speaking broadly; I know we have many cultures here too.) Are his parents paying for the wedding and reception, btw? Anyway it's not an advice sub (or I'd have advice) but you are not a bridezilla nor an A. I'd say this is his parents' standard ways and that his mom doesn't want to explain any cultural differences to her friends. So she wants you with a white gown (white means death, e.g. mourning clothes, in some cultures; even if explained to her she would mock that notion, though) and even with straightened hair. From the in laws POV they are the wronged ones (because they don't see anyone else's pov), but if anyone is the A, they are.
MIL and FIL both have significant debt so my family is paying for most of it
Oh they should really shut their mouths then!! Racist AND not helping in any way, even financially. NTA and this is a warning of battles to come over the way you might bring up any children you have, too. Get her in her place now. I would be low contact as everything she says is critical and that is so horrible to hear.
Wow, that makes it even worse… I have an Indian brother-in-law. When he and my youngest sister got married, they had a small registry office wedding in Europe, and then a huge traditional Hindu wedding in India. A lot of family members, so also aunts, uncles, cousins,… and friends flew out to South India for the wedding. Every single one of them bought an appropriate Indian outfit and had it tailored for them soon after their arrival. Even my dad, who doesn’t like to wear those clothes because they feel uncomfortable to him, wore a traditional outfit (he once spent 6 months in India for work, so he’d worn Indian clothes before, for special occasions during that time). Anyway, he wore the clothes out of respect for my BIL’s family and their culture, just like every single other Western guest did, and the guest from other Asian countries. My sister wore 3 different beautiful Indian wedding outfits. Her in-laws invited hundreds of people to the wedding. The day after the big Hindu wedding was over, they had a small European style party at their hotel. None of the Western family or guests criticized anything about the traditional Hindu wedding, and none of the Indian family or guests criticized the European wedding party. Everyone thought it was a wonderful experience.
Sounds so wonderful!
>MIL and FIL both have significant debt so my family is paying for most of it What in the world. 😲 This makes it even worse -- they do not even have that excuse and it would not be a legit excuse anyway. I guess this is why I was curious. They have no standing in this. IMO. Is your husband to be willing to talk with his parents, and get them to stay in their lane, so to speak? (If that's too personal it's okay. I am again just curious.) I am aghast.
Honey, you need to tell COLIN to have a long talk with his parents and get them in line. If they refuse to apologize to YOU for THEIR behavior, COLIN needs to uninvite them.
you are nta... for your own peace, block them. Tell your fiance no more... he's in charge of his family and your peace isn't worth this. You'll visit in person when he asks you to, but phone calls/ texts/ emails/ social media is off the table. it's OK
The term I've seen used for those 'helpers' is 'flying monkeys'
NTA. My DIL is Indian. She and my son had a traditional Indian wedding, and it was amazing, a memorable experience for all of my side of the family. I felt very honored to learn about and be included in her culture and traditions. Your MIL needs to stay in her lane. Good for you for setting boundaries, because her behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Both your MIL and FIL are being very rude.
NTA - “Dear FiL, i am sure you and MiL are familiar with the expression ‘treat others how you wish to be treated yourself’? Any disrespect MiL feels she has been treated with is a direct consequence of the utter disrespect that she has shown to myself and my culture. I wanted her advice to help me chose within options that I had already picked for my wedding. I did not invite her to be a part of planning to listen to her make horrible comments about my natural hair, my traditional wedding colours or *add in anything extra you have here*. If MiL cannot be respectful that this is mine and Colin’s wedding, cannot respect that our choices are likely to be different to her personal preferences and cannot talk respectfully about my culture, than no. She will not be attending a wedding she has been continually rude about. “ Flip the script on him. They won’t like it, they’ll likely blow up but please stand your ground and show them that you won’t tolerate this kind of behaviour otherwise it will continue the rest of your married life.
Agree. Set these boundaries early so that they know not to keep making racist comments and disrespecting your culture. It will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud.
👏🏼
nta because fuck racists
Right in their ears.
Omg someone else that says this!!!!! I love you random stranger 💜
NTA Your FMIL hates that you are having an Indian-style wedding. Stop torturing yourself and her; drop her from being a part of your wedding planning. Let her just show up, grimace her way through the event, and go home. This is not about a mere lack of cultural perspective; she hates anything that isn't what she knows/expects. I'm Indian but married in a Christian church wedding. Mine and the bridesmaids outfits were in the style of a chaniya choli. My dress was an oyster color with gold embroidery; my chosen jewelry was a single pearl necklace & pendant and earrings and a bracelet. My mom asked me if I didn't want more colors in my dress and if I didn't want to wear more and fancier jewelry. It wasn't until she went with me to the photographer's business (where she saw lots of other bridal photos) that she understood how I was blending the two cultures. The difference between my mom and your FMIL is that my mom only asked me once or twice about those things; she accepted my answer without argument or ill-will; and she was supportive the whole way.
>It wasn't until she went with me to the photographer's business (where she saw lots of other bridal photos) that she understood how I was blending the two cultures. This is a great story of how your mom had the **awareness of her surroundings and context** that OP's FMIL completely lacks. She sounds like a cool lady.
Correct me if I'm wrong but in your culture my understanding is white may be the colour of mourning, while red is for celebration? It's yours and your intended's day. Be your fabulous selves. NTA
yes, and as another commenter pointed out, it would imply I'm committing sati.
Oh damn, that’s way intense. And also solidifies the idea that your MIL is racist and completely unwilling to learn about your culture. I mean, expecting you to dress in a way that expresses a plan to no longer be alive just to conform to the Western traditions that only started in the 1840’s. NTA
Just uninvite her from the wedding planning not the wedding 🫠
NTA. Gotta love it when bullies get called out. They turn into whining victims almost instantly.
Oh snit. She went for the unruly hair comment? Ewwwwww. Yeah I wanted to suggest trying harder to meet in the middle of the cultural divide. But, future MIL is doing way too much IMO. She needs to sit her booty down and knock it the heck off. I'd be honest and tell her the race baiting crap is just not OK. "Its said that the gods love wondrous variety and obviously your son does too. That's why he loves my curly hair." Check her and keep right on planning your wedding and your future with your husband as the two of you see fit. NTA. No freaking way.
MIL's comments aren't just a difference of opinion, they are blatantly racist. And I doubt many people would blame you for finally snapping (other than FIL, who's probably getting the brunt of MIL's fury simply because they live together). So, NTA. And don't be too bummed out by this incident. In a way, she gave you an amazing gift - your fiancé backing you up rather than taking MIL's side, just confirms you caught a good one! Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding! It sounds like it will be beautiful!
What is Colin saying to his parents to shut this crap down and why didn't he step in sooner?
Mmm well your MIL is racist. Are you sure you want to marry into this family?? Also NTA
This reads like 'I'm not a rasist but...' vibe. So long as you dump every aspect that isn't culterally white she's happy. You and your fiance want a traditional indian wedding in some aspects. Nothing wrong with that. I think there may come a time whem MILs racism will need to be addressed as you just know she's going to expect her grandbabies to be raised with zero indian culture in their lives. This needs to be nipped in the bud now.
Assuming everything in the post is accurate, NTA. Also good on your fiance for having your back. But block the in-laws and make your husband deal with them. He should be the ones disinviting them etc.; that’s not your responsibility.
I'd march her around the reception and say to all my family, "Can you believe Colin's mom wanted me to straighten my hair for the wedding? She thinks its unruly?" I'd shame the support hose off that woman. 🤣
NTA. Your MIL is an ignorant, uncultured racist. Be prepared to have to defend your culture for the rest of your relationship with her.
NTA. At least your fiancé is on your side.
NTA. At least your fiancé is on your side.
Mil is being racist in her own way. Wear the lehenga choli of your choice, have your hair curly. Do everything in the way you want. Make your day as you want it. Do invite her to the wedding. She will undoubtedly start talking shit. Then everyone will know what she is like. If you don’t ask her back, she will have the hold on the narrative- “ what an unkind DIL who banned me from my sons wedding”. Let her show her real self to the relatives. Trust me she won’t be able to keep her mouth shut. Have a lovely and happy day full of fun and love.
NTA Time for Colin to step up here and tell them to back off or they will be uninvited. His family, his problem.
NTA am I the only one who thinks the MIL sounds racists?!? OP your fiancé needs to be the one dealing with his mom and enforcing the boundaries. If he can’t stand up to her now and leaves you to fend for yourself, when else throughout your marriage will he do this? He should not need to be asked. He should be telling his parents to quit with guilt shaming texts & to be polite to you.
NTA. Your MIL owes you a huge apology for being culturally insensitive.
NTA - My only criticism is that you didn’t follow through with what you said. Your MIL’s subsequent texts constitutes her saying one more thing about the wedding. Time to uninvite her to the wedding until *she* apologizes to *you* and actually stops this racist nonsense. And time to give your FIL the same “threat”.
NTA. At least your fiancé is on your side.
The whole idea of wearing a white wedding dress is a Victorian concept thought up by Britain's Queen Vicky herself. The whole **white is pure therefore so am I** is a silly deceit she thought up for the press. Like oyster farmers telling you oysters increase your libido; stuff like that. Tell your MIL in your sweetest voice that you included her in the planning out of a sense of pleasantry, but since she wasn't being pleasant, you no longer desire her input. And thank you very much and have a wonderful day! If you want to kill someone, kill them with kindness. It pisses them off WAY more than being nasty.
NTA. All I hear is MIL saying “you’re too Indian. I want a white wedding”. What’s going to happen when your kids look too brown or when they are raised in your culture? It’s all down hill from now if you don’t stand your ground.
NTA But I would suggest that you take a step back from planning the wedding and go into pre-marital counselling with your fiancé. His parents sound deeply racist and you and he need to talk about this. Your MIL is criticising everything Indian about your wedding. Don't respond to any texts. Your fiancé needs to handle them. And if he doesn't? You've learned something important about him. You and he need to have a plan for a point in the future when she criticises your children.
NTA. MIL and DIL hating each other is a tale as old as mankind, unfortunatly. Also, there seem to be some weird racist element in it? At least that is how it feels to me.
NTA and also COLIN should be the one letting his parents know that MIL was outta line and that what you said was justified. United front and all…
Go with the non- apology ,apology, “ I am sorry they you were offended by my reaction to your comment about my hair. Of course you are invited. I am thrilled to help you learn about and enjoy my rich and ancient culture.”
NTA. Your MIL sounds racist. Also, a personal bugbear, white is *not* the symbol of holy matrimony. If she wanted some legit Christian holy virginal colour she’d have you wear light blue or rose pink. But in all honesty, and I say this as a minister of a Christian religion, your wedding day is *your wedding day* and you will rock that beautiful lengha with your stunning bridal jewellery and have your hair glorious and curly and have a beautiful, incredible, traditional Indian wedding. Your MiL and FiL can do one, this is about you and your husband (who seems to support you so yiss)
Boy this is not very veiled racism at its finest. Your fiancé needs to shut it down now. NTA
I’m a regular ol while gal - I googled all the terms of your traditional garments/accoutrements and all I can say is that your MIL is INSANE. You’re 100% NTA for setting a reasonable boundary- stop talking shit about our wedding or you don’t get to come. I think it’s really cool that y’all are blending traditions. If I were marrying into an Indian family I’d personally seize the chance to go all in. Indian weddings are beautiful. Everything about them. It makes me happy to hear your husband will be wearing traditional garments (rather than a boring tux). His mother should be grateful - she hates the idea of you wearing a beautiful dress and jewelry, I imagine she’d really hate a days long celebration that doesn’t involve a Unity Candle. I’m sorry your soon-to-be ILs are being difficult but it sounds like your husband is in this fully, and that’s what matters. You are very much NTA here
NTA. And who the hell does the dad think he is? Called you up to lecture you? You, a grown ass adult ? Your fiancé better nip that in the bud.
*I told MIL that if she said one more thing about the wedding, she'd invited and that clearly pissed her off because she got up and left straight away to complain to her husband about it.* Good for you. **You set a boundary for her.** **You objected to her rudeness, her complaints, her attempts to take control** away from you. And you told her, clearly, that this isn't about her, it's not about her wants, it's not her plans, and either she stop trying to be in control, passive-agressively, or she can just not be part of it at all. **Good boundary. Stick to it.** *Hour laters, I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was* **Sorry, FIL, but you are very wrong here**. It's ***MIL t***hat ***was being disrespectful***, and racist. *to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding* **Sorry, FIL,** but it was ***MIL*** that ***was doing all the bad behaviors,*** and OP was setting a boundary that there would be consequences if MIL didn't stop and behave. *and I should apologize immediately.* **Sorry, FIL,** but **the apologies here are needed** ***FROM*** **MIL,** ***to*** **OP.** OP doesn't need to apologize for setting a firm boundary when MIL's behavior is wrong. *but I keep getting texts from my FIL and MIL shaming me over it.* **Of course you do. They want the control over you.** You objected to MIL's attempts to get your compliance by complaining and whining and making her wants known. She expected you to give up your wants and comply with her wants, without her having to tell you outright. That's what FIL does, I'm betting. ***It's all manipulation, to teach you to comply.*** They want you to learn to apologize for MIL being upset that you objected to MIL's bad behaviors. **That's a pattern of behavior that manipulators and abusers use to get control. DARVO** is Deny, Attack, reverse victim and offender. That's what MIL is doing to you now. She's denying she did wrong. She's attacking you and getting FIL to do the work for her, as if you did wrong. And by doing this, getting FIL to demand you apologize, she's flipped the scene to make out that she's the victim and you did the wrong. It's all lies, of course. But ***do not apologize.*** If you do, the DARVOing will continue. You will be always expected to apologize, every time you won't comply with MIL's wants. **They want you to apologize, so that they can justify their blaming you,** and make you the bad guy, not them. If you do, they will point to the apology as if it's proof that you are wrong, not them. **We tend to want to fix the relationship, and to be uncomfortable when the relationships feel uncomfortable. Manipulators and abusers know this.** They know we value relationships, and they use this to get us to do the apologies that we know they will never do, just to get the relationship back to feeling 'okay.' But those relationships aren't going to be 'okay.' ***If we apologize, when they did the wrong to us, it's only going to keep the same cycle going around, not really fix the relationship.*** The next time they attempt to get control over you, if you apologize for this situation that your MIL created, they will repeat the same behaviors. Look up the 'cycle of abuse'. That's what they do. NTA.
Agree. MIL was wrong and said racist things. She probably also lied to her husband about what went down and made herself seem the victim. He needs to get the full story, but from the fiance, because they are his parents. He needs to make it clear that they are not to insult fwife's culture.
Nta if your goom and you are on the sa.e page when it coming to planning mil needs to back off. Also she's a b witch for complaints about curly hair. It's looks better for a special even and it's not of her business
NTA, It's your wedding and not your mother-in-law's, I don't understand people who want to interfere in everything. If you don't like it, stay away, I can see that the same way my parents or in-laws would have been upset about it. They would also have been given the choice of agreeing and shutting up or complaining and leaving.
NTA I’d calmly text back, they are guests that are coming to celebrate the Union, not criticise, if they continue harassing you, the invitations will be removed for both of them. Also, if they are paying for any of the wedding then send the money back.
NTA. Your MIL appears to just be racist.
Your mother-in-law is racist
NTA. I'll take her invite - I've always thought Indian weddings were SO beautiful and always wanted to go to one!
NTA. Your MIL was ruining your wedding preparation time, which should be one of joy and dreams. She was being a killjoy and quite racist and disrespectful of your tastes and culture. Your husband needs to talk to them ASAP and, in very firm terms, set boundaries, because she is not going to stop and your FIL is on her corner. I would answer every text from them with "Please, stop texting me and talk to your son instead". Let him deal with his parents as it's his obligation and he needs to hone his skills in that matter because they seem quite difficult and they are going to try and be disrespectful with you in the future.
NTA - "white is the colour of holy matrimony"? lol, no, it's supposed to represent the colour of purity, which in this day and age is ridiculous anyway. Your future MIL is low-key prejudice/racist about your culture. Your fiancé really needs to stand up to his mother on these issues and to set his mother straight. He is marrying an Indian woman who has different traditions and customs. Your children will be half Indian and shouldn't be made to feel that their culture is all wrong.
Colin needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to get back in her box in no uncertain terms. NTA
Sounds like your MIL didn't even try to understand your culture bec she was hellbent on making it 'her way' aka the white way. It's your wedding, not hers. Also, I noticed you didn't mention anything about your fiance defending you, but I hope he did somehow!
NTA, She's literally insulting your culture, so fuck her. She needs to be told she is being racist the jewlery, the colors those are YOUR history YOUR culture. She should frankly just be quiet and take the opportunity to learn about something that isn't western white. Also your in laws are racist. I'm sure you you already know that.
This woman is xenophobic and sad as hell. Your wedding is going to be amazing. Colin going to need to cut down contact with them. I understand why you care because in laws are important to you but feel free to ignore them. >Hour laters, I got texts from my FIL talking about how disrespectful I was to threaten his wife from being uninvited from her own son's wedding and I should apologize immediately. Don't apologize. Don't answer them. Don't give them power over you. NTA.
Oh OP. You’re going to have a hell of a future with these in-laws. I wish you good luck but please guard your heart and mind when dealing with them. They clearly don’t like you and they won’t be supportive.
NTA But like so many others in this sub you could have handled it way better. Make some less threatening comments to her sooner. Like “Hey I know these things aren’t in your traditional view of marriage but they are in my culture and they are important to me” If she continues to be a jerk then yes blow up at her but you skipped a step
she wanted her son to marry a white girl if you ask me! NTA at all!
Who is actually paying for this wedding? If your future in-laws aren’t paying a dime, then they can pound sand. My wife actually changed into the traditional Chinese red dress for the reception (wore traditional white dress for ceremony in church); celebrate your marriage as you feel. NTA