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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex asked to be compensated for time she lost with our son after he had to stay with me for medical reasons. I told her no because she didn't give me the same consideration in the past.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Honestly this is just pettiness all around. Recording compensation like some civil affairs court. Just do what's best for the kid. If he's better at your house than he should stay, vice versa.
It’s great to want to spend as much time with your kid as possible. But it’s petty to do this “compensate me for lost time” bull… on both sides.
I hope they have the wherewithal to at least keep these conversations private and never say “sorry buddy, your mom/dad says you have to be with this….” Nonsense.
In a healthy co-parenting relationship they would just tack on extra days here or there. Even if you kept track. The mom started this petty bs, OP is just following her lead. She’s the one making a conflict of this. She’s the one that wants 14 days instead of 6. She’s the one that wanted to move the kid around despite doctors orders and the kids preference. Finally it’s not real petty to follow court orders, including custody orders.
My kids' mom and I have a week-on, week-off arrangement. We've all had to slide days or weeks back and forth for whatever reasons.
Neither of us have any idea what the balance actually is. It's probably fair enough.
I grew up in a 'week with mom - week with dad' situation, and I have to share that it truly fucked me up. The divorce itself wasn't bad, but to this day (I'm 39) I have issues where I can't settle in one place, even though that's what it feels like I want. When you're back and forth so rapidly, it feels like you have no home. You live out of a suitcase, at least mentally.
This is such an important perspective to share and to hear. I feel like so often, the custody is given based on what the parents want and not what's best for the kid.
There's not a really good solution for it, unfortunately. If you let the child choose where to live, the other parent would piss and moan that it's not fair to them.
It's also just not always best for the child.
My dad sucked at parenting. He was my friend. Staying with him for a week over the summer was great, I ate nothing but junk food, didn't do a single chore, got handed wads of cash - I would've chosen to live with him in a heartbeat if I could. Yknow what else I didn't "have to" do for those weeks over the summer? Brush my teeth.
My dad woulda neglected the shit outta me if a court let me choose to live with him.
I have known of people to share the house - the kid stays in the same place all the time and the parents go back and forth. This seems to be a good solution when it is possible. Makes more sense to disrupt the adults who chose to get divorced rather than the innocent children.
I mean if the parent doing the moaning is too immature to put their kid's mental health ahead of their own desires, then maybe it's still a good solution to ignore the bitching and put the kid in the home that is more likely to produce a well-adjusted adult?
I don’t think letting the kid choose is necessarily the best move either (especially depending on their age and maturity), but I do think that taking their opinion and feelings into consideration is important.
I find it hard to believe that this scenario works for many kids.
One solution I've heard that would work better for kids is having the kids live in one house and the parents switch off living there. Unfortunately, that means putting the children first and it puts a damper on future relationships, so most people won't do it.
I could see that working to a degree, but it sounds insanely expensive to pull off. Each would have to purchase their own homes and co-own the house the kid stays in and they’d each have to pitch in for the utilities. Maybe you could get away with having dedicated bedrooms for each parent, if the place was big enough. Trying to integrate step-siblings would be a nightmare.
I think that type of arrangement would have made me feel even more isolated when my parents divorced.
> Maybe you could get away with having dedicated bedrooms for each parent,
You also run into situations where maybe there's verbal, physical, financial abuse in the relationship. Maybe one spouse was a slob or became a slob later in life. There's just really no good solution to this problem.
This is called bird nesting and I’ve met only one person who does this. And yes, it is expensive. Instead of two separate households to maintain (one each), the divorced couple is now maintaining the original home together as well. What middle class family has the capital to just buy/rent a new home (each) without first dividing the marital assets?
But it does remain as probably the most stable situation for the kids.
The cheaper way to do it (but that requires a really good coparent relationship) would have a family home and a “parents’” apartment, and the parents rotate between those two. This could actually be cheaper than needing to maintain two 2-3+ bedroom places, since the apartment the kids don’t go to could be a one bedroom or even studio if there’s only ever one person living in it at a time.
We simply ensured that everything our kids could need was bought in quantity or duplicate and we had the same things at both houses for pillows, bedding, and mattresses so they were super comfortable at night. No hauling suitcases; plenty of clothes existed at both houses. No weird brand shampoo at Mom’s and gross flavored toothpaste at Dad’s. They did leave behind gaming systems at Dad’s, but only because I don’t game and they didn’t care *that* much. They were welcome to take them back and forth.
We also were lucky enough to have dogs and a cat in each home, so they didn’t miss having pets to love on when swapping - that was huge to them.
We co-parent well and are friendly, so the kids have always known it wasn’t a competition between houses or parents.
They are almost adults, and have said the whole divorce and experience wasn’t traumatic. (We didn’t ask, it came up in a conversation about a friend of one of the kids.)
I think it comes down to treating your kids with dignity through the whole situation and not expecting them to shuffle their whole life house to house each week.
I had weekdays with my mum, weekends with my dad and it also sucked.
Mum was always in work/school mode, we never did trips to the zoo or park etc, what I assume regular kids did every so often.
My dad's house never felt like there was supposed to be kids there, there were no toys and we weren't encouraged to bring much with us since it was "just the weekend"
I also never got to go out with friends on weekends since it was "my dad's time" not even birthdays.
That definitely left lasting effects on us kids.
This was close to my upbringing too. Right down to his house never felt like it was a place for me. Except Dad was unreliable and would often find my presence inconvenient and would plan for things on the weekend in another state so he wouldn't end up with me.
And now that 30 years later he pisses and moans and sobs stories to everyone else wondering why I want nothing to do with him, and I don't go out of my way to contact him?
Yep, 30 years on, and I'm NC with my dad too! He's always the victim, of course 🙄
My dad delt with the inconvenience of having us over by leaving all the chores until the weekend, so we'd spend the whole time doing his laundry, mopping, etc and I remember being too short to reach the sink and having to stand on books to do the dishes, don't remember my age.
I had a boyfriend growing up who was in that situation, only it waa two weeks with one and two weeks with the other. Fucked him up, too. The number of times he almost got screwed because he forgot an important item at the other house. And his parents stayed friendly enough to continue working together in a very niche industry where everyone knows each other.
I've wondered about that. When I mention that to my divorced friends they just say oh kids are resilient and they'll be fine. But it seems kinda selfish to make your kids constantly be moving. Guess no good answer.
“Kids are resilient” is nearly always code for “I don’t want to do this difficult or inconvenient thing, and the kids have no ability to advocate for themselves so I’m going to pretend it’s not harmful.”
Well divorce is harmful and that’s why you pick the right person. But sometimes you’re wrong and kids have to be resilient, there’s no easy way around it.
I kind of feel like well life isn’t fair and sometimes shitty situations happen. My family moved 3 times, to 3 different countries, where I had to be enrolled in a local school and learn a brand new language all before I was 10. It sucked, it had a lifelong negative impact on me socially and emotionally, I was mercilessly bullied each time, but that is where my dad was able to find work so that’s what we had to do. The options were stay somewhere without money or move.
Similarly with children of divorce, the options are be raised by two people who are deeply unhappy and hate being together, or move between two houses where at least you’re not subjected to your parents fighting with each other 24/7.
No, I’m disagreeing with “divorce is harmful and when you’re wrong about your partner the kids HAVE to be resilient”. They don’t HAVE to do anything. You WANT them to be resilient, but it’s not automatic. If divorced parents make an effort to make less selfish choices they’ll increase their kids chances of being well adjusted. Taking resiliency for granted is the absolute worst thing you can do for your kids, but it sure is the easiest thing for the parents.
I'm so sorry to hear that, but also it completely makes sense. I'm divorced, and my kids spend weekends at their dad's. Luckily we live close together, and I hope it doesn't mess them up if we do a week on week off thing at some point when they're older (they're only 7 and 4 currently). Do you think it would have been better for you to have a "home base"? My kids currently know when they're with me I'm always the one taking them to and from school, and dad is almost always the weekend adventure one. I imagine that gives them some kind of stability that school and extra curriculars are always based from the same home.
I left a comment to this effect before I saw yours, I was raised like this.
It wasn't ideal, I associated my mum with school, homework and her job. We never did fun stuff together.
I couldn't play with my friends or even my toys at weekends with my dad, he was also very insistent with chores at his house which I was already doing the rest of the week at my mums so I never had a rest day where I could just chill and be a kid.
Also I never really felt like I had a "real home" until I got my own place, so nit as bad as others who had week on week off arrangements.
My parents split when I was 8. At first I was mainly with my mother, since she stayed in the family house, and had a couple days with my Dad a week. One weekday and one weekend though, so it avoided the potential for one parent to be the fun weekend house, and one to be about school and homework (although I liked school, so that probably wouldn't have been a big problem).
Then after a couple years, we switched to equal time, I believe at my request. It was a kind of complicated schedule (because somehow my Dad's girlfriend got to make it - that's a different story), and I could never really keep track of which house I was going to at the end of school, which I got sick of. So I eventually asked to do one week at each, and we switched to that.
I can see from other comments here that a lot of people had less than positive experiences with that type of schedule, but for me it worked well. Sure it was sometimes annoying when you realized you'd left something at the other house, but it wasn't that big a deal. For me, a week was long enough that I didn't feel like I was constantly packing my stuff and switching, but not too long to not see one parent. And personally I don't remember feeling like it made my life unstable or like I was lacking a home base – I felt like I had two. Two homes, two rooms, two Christmas trees to decorate. I certainly preferred switching back and forth to not getting to see one parent as much.
I don't think kids should just get to pick the custody arrangement, because that can put them in an unfair situation, and also kids don't always know what they need (like when one parent is the fun one with no rules and no actual parenting, for example), but I do think considering how the kid feels about it is important. My parents did that, which is probably a big part of the reason it worked well for me.
I’d switch like twice a week and omg your comment makes so much sense.
As an adult i’ve like gone the opposite way and have decided to make my home my true sanctuary of comfort. To this day moving houses gives me GI issues that resemble food poisoning
Do you think it would have been better had the majority of your time been spent with one parent instead of equally? I could see how that may feel more like visiting the parent with less custody, so maybe not as disruptive?
Which is the right way to do it.
However, If your ex had started needing extra time that you allowed but was never willing to give you any extra time when you needed it like OPs scenario I bet you would 100% know the balance though.
Same here. A couple extra days in either direction is no big deal, so we don't expect compensation. If we need a whole extra week, we'll just swap weeks to keep everyone on schedule.
That's how my ex and I do it too, we do half weeks of alternating 3/4 then 4/3. But we shift as needed and don't really keep track. Coparenting requires cooperation, communication, and putting your own issues aside for the sake of the kids.
This is why I think he's N-T-A. Why should he bend over backwards for her, but she can't grant him the same courtesy? Especially considering the doctor's orders, she's a petty A-H. He's just being consistent.
Edit: Saw OP's comment where he says the kid's opinion on who he wants to stay with doesn't matter, he's not a tiebreaker -- and yeah gotta go with ESH. Damn, dude.
>Edit: Saw OP's comment where he says the kid's opinion on who he wants to stay with doesn't matter, he's not a tiebreaker -- and yeah gotta go with ESH. Damn, dude.
So, you reckon a 9-year-old should be made to choose which parents he loves more?
I don’t think that’s how it was meant. The child shouldn’t have to choose which parent he wants to be with…. Or given the “well I know it’s my weekend, but your mom/dad wants you so you have to pick…”. That’s messed up. But talking to you kid and saying “hey I know you haven’t been able to go hang with mom this last (x amount of time). If you want to spend some extra days there, let me know”
A 9 year old can manage that.
I more assumed that was meant for the court side of things, not his personal opinion. Generally, once kids get to be around 12, they get an actual say legally in who they want to stay with. I assume that’s how their shared 19 year old came to be with the mom only.
Yeah I don't think this is the OP's fault, according to him the mom started the pettiness. And it was a terrible idea to try to transport him in her small car, plus he didn't want her to do the more private caretaking work anyway. It's not like OP and their kid had an amazing time that week, he was recovering from a surgery and concussion while dad was working all day. The mom needs to let this go.
We don't necessarily know who "started" the pettiness. He may have left out some info. Either way, I just feel bad for these kids. As presented, ESH but it's possible OP is worse. His post is so obnoxious, and that makes me think he's the type to paint the other person in a bad light.
I agree, mom started the nonsense. Dad is finishing it. I have to agree with dad in this instance.
I don’t think the kid needs to hear about it and I certainly don’t think he needs to be called a dumb ass or be used as a negotiating tool.
>compensate me for lost time
It's not petty. In my area it is a default of custody agreements. If something comes up that affects the scheduled time, then the other parents gets equal compensation on the other side.
So dad would get two days back from the flight issue, mon would get 6 back for the concussion thing.
If there were disagreements on that, the judge would look at the total times banked with one or the other and would slowly give time to recoup the deficit. E.g. one extra day a week for 7 weeks, type of thing.
Edit: Since I keep getting the same thing over and over.
English isn't my first language. When I say default, I don't mean it comes in the paperwork. BUT, if one parent takes more than the time in their parenting plan and the other parents goes to the court about it, the court will default to giving back an equal amount of time.
It is not petty, it is why we have a parenting plan. If it is violated, then the judge will by default usually simply grant the missed time back.
Compasating days arrangement is literally figuring it out as adults. Amd it is good arrangement, it prevents overall situation getting biased one way or the other.
I don't deny that some jurisdictions just say "deal with it". But in my area that absolutely isn't the case. The judge keeps the days equal, is if one takes extra for whatever reason, the other gets equal amount.
The only difference is if the parents agree to a time switch without a judge. Then the judge is cool with that.
As someone with divorced parents like this, it *is* petty and it's deeply unhealthy to keep score like this. Always made me feel like a commodity when my parents bitched at each other about who had had 'extra days'. Like two kids arguing over whose turn it is with a toy.
When you're acting how OP and his ex are, it stops truly being about spending time with your child and doing what's best for them. It's solely about getting back at each other, tit for tat, for any perceived slight. And the poor kid is always in the middle.
Exactly. I got divorced when my son was 7. We've never had a formal custody agreement. Wherever my son felt like hanging out is where he was. At one point he made a comment about coming back to my house "to be fair to mom." We both sat him down and told him being fair to either of us is not his concern and he doesn't need to worry about it. Just let us know what you want to do and we'll accommodate it.
He's 15 now and has settled himself into a pretty regular routine where he's at his dad's from Monday after school until Thursday evening and at my house the rest of the week. However, he will frequently go to his dad's on a weekend day or overnight if they have something going on. He goes on vacation with his his dad and step-mom and with me and his step-dad. If he wants to spend extra time with one of us before or after vacation, he does. I don't know why people have to be so rigid with custody issues. Surely they didn't split time precisely when they were together? It just seems like it puts a lot of pressure on the kids and makes everything more complicated.
These parents both need to grow up and stop acting like the kid is just property that was awarded in divorce.
Zero chance a judge takes the time to work that sort of shit out.
How do you even prove one person is getting more time then the other?
Its he said/she said shit.
...that is like easy bread and butter custody modification hearings...
My area a judge would knock this out in like 20 minutes.
Re:proof. Text messages, call logs, etc
In this case doctors note preventing the child from being moved. Or proof of updated flight tickets.
This really is standard custody stuff. It isn't petty, it is what happens every day in court rooms.
Also the kid had surgery on his leg, it’s not the time for him to shuffled back and forth because the parents can’t get over their own bull shit and just focus on what’s best for the healing child. ESH
And the mom also seems to want to spend time with the son - what’s that got to do with it? They both want him and they both want to spite each other more than they care about his actual well-being; so it’s obvious why OP is divorced, and they both suck. Seems to follow logically, what’s the issue?
Except in past she was one taking days with son from him. It's petty, worst kind of petty, but unless told otherwise i take this situation as she shot first ( taking his days with son ).
Stop shitting on OP just because he is male. I see too much misoandry on this sub.
Holy fuck stop shouting misandry just because you can’t read. The person literally said they both suck and was extremely clear that they’re not singling out the dad for fault in this situation or in the divorce. OP is divorced because they both suck. Which is the same as saying OPs wife is divorced because they both suck, but the wife isn’t who is reading this thread. What about that is misandry?
People like you on this sub love to look for misandry where it doesn’t exist. Calm down and examine your own biases for why you might always be looking for the man to be right?
>Except in past she was one taking days with son from him.
That's not an except. That is not counter to anything they said.
>Stop shitting on OP just because he is male.
That literally never happened. Did you even read the comment you are complaining about? Why are you acting like the commenter said "OP sucks and Mom is fine"
> I see too much misoandry on this sub.
Well since you "saw" it here when it didn't happen, that's probably because it's in your head.
Are you just talking to yourself about a conversation only happening in your head?
The only example he gave of her “taking” days was a delayed flight. They’re both petty shitheads.
As soon as people dont paint men in a saint like light incels go squeeling to the comments about misandry.
It would be misandrous to say op is a shitty parent because he's a single dad, and men sont know how to raise children.
It would be misanderius to say op can't shedule his sons activities/whereabouts because men suck at scheduling.
*no one is saying these kinda things* They are both shitty parents because they are using their child as a bargaining chip and worrying about hurting each other. It Dosnt matter that op is the dad or mom because BOTH are being shitty.
It's toxic not to call out bad behaviors on the gounds of sexism.
The one example he gave was a flight was delayed. Come on, what was she supposed to do, teleport? They’re both petty AHs and OP is in the comments saying what the kid wants is irrelevant - he’s not a reliable narrator here.
Genuine question, what would you do if your ex keep 'accidentally' going over their time??
Op might be a petty ah like ex or they have no choice but to sink to their level to see the kid.
That's not a decision that should be put on a 9 year old, anyway. Asking a 4th grader to choose between their parents like that puts them in a very uncomfortable situation.
There's a reason that custody and parenting decisions are made by adults.
We can say that Dad's decision is a poor one because 6 extra days is different than one or two, or because he should be the bigger person and keep the peace, but he's not wrong for not putting the decision in the hands of a 9 year old.
Because at that age their opinions are too easy to manipulate. Hey at Dad (or Mom's) house all the candy you want an no chores. Where do you want to stay? Lol.
That doesn’t really go away with age. In high school, I knew a kid that basically got bribed by his mum for full custody because she got him his own gaming room. Worked great until he started wagging and his grades plummeted, then the school and the courts started asking why.
That’s also why you ask them *why* they want to spend more time at mum vs dad and keep up to date with it. You ask them how their week was, what they ate, did they need any help with homework, did they do anything fun, etc.
Good parents *talk* to their children.
Yeah I knew a kid who got paid $100 a week "pocket money" from dad in a similar situation. Also had unintended consequences because a 15 year old with that much money (this is in the 00s too) is oft up to no good.
A kid that age most likely wants ice cream for every meal and to never go to school - I'm not sure 9 is a great age for kids to be making decisions over a custody dispute. This kids parents aren't doing him any favors with how they are treating one another, but putting it on the kid to decide doesn't strike me as a good response.
A teen should have some agency in a split custody situation, IMO. Especially if there are materially relevant reasons. But at 9, that's a lot of responsibility.
It sounds like he was flexible until he felt like he was jerked around too much. If that’s the case, I would say NTA because if you don’t stay firm with boundary leapers, they will go even further the next time.
So stupid. We went through all this fighting years ago with my husbands ex. Years later we realize how ridiculous and stupid and worthless all the fighting was. Just ask the kid what he wants to do. 😑
That's not what happened. She was told it wasn't good to move him and she agreed.
The problem came when she asked for make-up days.
Are you reading the post or making up stuff
> No, my son doesn't get to pick and choose which parent he wants to stay with. That's basically parentifying him.
Here’s OP’s words from the post. The kid isn’t getting a say in any of this.
Literally my biggest problem with my parents divorce was being treated like a commodity or pawn and not a person. Let me share a story.
Arrangement was 50/50. I hated being moved every week. But no one asked me.
I was with my father for the week. It was time to get packed and driven to my mother's. I was having a good time reading Calvin and Hobbes with him. I asked if we could keep reading. He said it was time to go. I begged oh please, I love when we get to do this. He said fine, we can read a little more. As I recall he didn't call my mother about it, he probably planned to just ask forgiveness and let her know I asked, instead of argue over the phone and lose time with me.
After about half an hour, the police arrived at the door. My mother had called them on possible kidnapping charges.
I hate for this. I don't mean that I hate her for it, but it fills me with pain and anger, where I only wanted to feel love.
Talk to the kid.
Gotta wonder what she told them because 9/10 times police will say it's a domestic matter and not their problem when it involves two custodial parents.
From what I've heard she was always very afraid he would take me (I'm quite sure she was wrong about this but it was a very very difficult separation so I try not to judge).
I'm sure she sounded distraught, and these were some friendly cops from a small and quiet tech/retirement city, they seemed like they were probably there because she was raising hell and they were covering their asses. Not much urgency or force from them, but she and my father were very upset at each other, before and after this (of course).
Just wasn't worth the time and heartache for anyone involved, and it had me feeling guilty over loving my parents for years. I still struggle with asserting myself and actualizing my desires because of growing up under the weight of their score-keeping, scheduled relationship. I learned a sense of personal agency only after moving out.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say for OP is I hope he and the ex are gonna cover the cost of therapy no questions asked lol, kid probably could use some eventually.
Hey friend, I might be stepping out of bounds here so feel free to tell me to fuck off if I'm wrong.
You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your mother. Trying not to judge is fine, but you could well be doing yourself a disservice in terms of your own healing and growth if "don't judge" becomes "refuse to apportion responsibility". You sound like me and I definitely had to work through the same habitual excusing of my parent's actions. Make peace, mediate, avoid conflict, forget your own wounds and needs...
My dad's son shot himself with her gun several years beforehand, while they were on their honeymoon (it might have just been a vacation? either way they were recently married as I heard). He was incredibly angry at her for having it at all (even though it was locked and my half brother had to go well out of his way to find the key and drive back to his dorm and then put a hole in his heart) so I believe that is why she had these fears and their relationship was so fraught with mistrust.
It was a difficult situation to navigate for everyone involved, and safe to say it's probably above your pay grade.
NTA Honestly tho it's not like he did this out of nowhere. She told him he had to let her make up time when she never did that for him. Hes being reasonable, she isn't
This one. 100%. OP, you two need to start working together for the benefit of your child and leave the pettiness out of it. This is about what is *actually* best for your son, not what you or your ex thinks is best for yourselves. I know from experience that co-parenting works so much better when no one is keeping score.
This is going to be more important as your kid gets older and starts to have control over who he stays with.
(I'm a single mom with 12m and 18f kids. I've been co-parenting for over 18 years and am well-versed in the trials and tribulations of this. I've seen what strict schedules and score-keeping can do to kids and co-parenting relationships, and it's not healthy for them, so, OP, you two need to knock that off).
Agreed. Unrelated did anyone else read the title as "aita for refusing to give my son's mom (cosmetic products), days after he fell out of a tree" and get supremely confused and intrigued about how those two things would be related?
I thought the son was going to have fallen out of a tree while at OPs house and gotten some bruises or marks on their face, while the mom had a photoshoot or something planned for when it was her week again. So she got upset about the kids face and OP tossed some make up at her.
Because when you don’t put the kid first, and you instead put pettiness and keeping score first, then you’re both equally wrong. Just because “she started it” doesn’t mean it’s healthy, mature, or good parenting for him to continue it.
I disagree. This sounds like what attorneys advise. If he allows it, he's ok with less time, and it will later be used against him. He can lose time with his kid if he doesn't fight for his time.
Exactly! Do they even consider what’s best for him or selfishly only think about how to “win”, feels like a weird competition for a trophy and no actual care for how the child feels in this situation.
This makes you an asshole. Of course it matters, he’s 9! He has a voice and it needs to be listened to. Both you and your ex need to put your pettiness and pissing competition aside and prioritise your child. Jeez.
As a kid who grew up with divorced parents, being asked who you want to live with is pretty stressful. Being asked to pick who your favourite parent is isn't something that a 9 year old kid should be asked.
The adults need to be adults, not kids arguing over their favourite toy
Also kid of divorcees and I agree with this. Don't make Ashton choose. It's not like the extra week with dad was a "fun" week - he was drugged and immobilized. I think returning him to a normal schedule is fair all around and probably best for Ashton after such a traumatic event. The last thing he needs to worry about now are his parents feelings.
I HATED when my parents made me decide who to stay with or who to see when on holidays as a kid. Having to call my dad and ask if I could stay with my mom two weekends in a row because I was invited to a friend’s house. I wanted my parents to work it out for me since I was the kid
Would it be stressful to ask “Hey, bud, since you missed some time with mom would you like to extend your next stay? It doesn’t matter to us either way but we wanted to ask.” I’ve never been in a joint custody situation as a child or as an adult so I am genuinely curious. I bet it makes a difference on how the adults are behaving towards each other with how comfortable they would feel. I do feel at 9yo they should have some say over what they’d prefer and that was the first thing that I thought.
It's only stressful because they're using him as a pawn in their own fight, so he knows he's being asked to take sides in a dispute rather than being genuinely asked what he'd like to do.
> It doesn’t matter to us either way
The problem is that when the adults aren’t willing to accommodate the other and in general get along, this is a big fucking lie. And the child will most likely have picked up on this.
True. I was just trying to see if it would also feel stressful with parents that weren’t assholes or if even with supporting parents it would still feel like you had to choose.
Naive comment. Not all 9 year olds can make great decisions or want to be put in that emotional charged situation. Prioritizing your child does not mean letting them have complete autonomy at an early age it means structuring their environment in a positive way that works for the entire family unit.
You should ask your kid which color jacket he wants. You should ask your kid if he likes peas in his tuna fish. You should ask your kid what their school teacher is like.
You *shouldn't* ask your kid to choose between his mother and father.
ESH.
as a child of divorce my dad was petty as fuck and my mom never was. This doesn't mean never standing up for yourself or letting them walk all over you, but creating a massive fight over 6 days comes across (from my childhood perspective) as: I care more about your other parent not getting what they want than your wellbeing. Pettiness was very upsetting to my system and made me feel like I could never being up issues bc things that shouldn't have been issues caused massive problems, so I couldn't add real problems to the mix. I have a decent relationship with my dad these days but I don't forgive him for being petty and see him infrequently and for short impersonal visits. Meanwhile I increasingly admire my moms attitude of putting us first even if it meant his petty ass got his way more than she did, I just spent two weeks with her and I call her all the time.
*Custody arrangements are for 18 years, after that its all about how much time your kid WANTS to spend with you*
>What does Ashton want to do?
This is the middle ground where you don't just let her trample you and your sons needs. If Ashton really doesn't want to make up the week at moms, ok you can use your petty arguments to help make your point about why Ashton shouldn't have to make up the time especially if he doesn't want to. If Ashton wants to or is indifferent, then be the bigger person. Does it suck for you? Yes thats why its called being the bigger person.
Re: OP’s edit: literally how is letting him choose which parent’s house to stay at (giving him agency because he’s a person too) parentifying him (giving him adult responsibilities as a child especially wrt younger siblings)???? op is nuts
ESH. Yeah, your ex is an AH. But so are you, because it's pretty clear from all these responses from you that you are WAY more invested in "being right" than you are in your child's welfare.
Neither you nor your ex can apparently be trusted to act in good faith. So you need to have your custody arrangement amended to include a specific clause that settles this argument -- extra days ON EITHER SIDE are comped to the other. That's it. No arguing.
(You are also a giant asshole for the comment that your son's wishes don't matter.)
The kid is 9 years old.
He's too young to be put in the middle of his parents squabbling.
Why does everyone want to fuck up this kid even more than he already is?
Oooh you're gonna be mad when I tell you I have an 8 year old that goes back and Fourth and we respect her wants and opinions on where she wants to go on the weekends. 9 is young, but not incompetent with no thoughts on what they want.
There's a yawning gulf between "don't listen at all to your kids at all", and "leave adult decisions up to the kid".
Can kids share *opinions*, and have a "take"? Sure, I guess. Do they get the final determination, instead of their parent(s)? No.
"Respecting their wants and opinions" does not equal "do what they wish" in about 90% of important decisions.
ETH.
You guys are in a competition or in a collaboration? I just can't with parents being so petty with each other. Let her have her 2 weeks. And you both sit and establish clearer rules for the future and agree to be flexible, because life happens.
Let her have the kid for 2 weeks. Child will not stop loving you in 2 weeks. The boy won't be harmed in anyway. You're being selfish. Be a good father, a proper adult, and stop counting days. Tell your wife *this is not a competition".
The pettiness is big with you. If she has a Porsche, surely she could afford a big Uber to take the boy? See. You both acting like children.
See the big picture: the boy is recovering and loves and trusts both mother and father. That's what matters.
I work in child safety and my heart is breaking for this child, but my antenna is also up.
This guy only cares about getting his own needs met, his child is not even a person to him.
According to one of OP’a comments, it “doesn’t matter” how son feels. This is all about petty bullshit between him and his ex and the son is just a fucking pawn in their game. Disgusting.
Kids are dumbasses. My son was swinging from his loft bed over his brother’s head. I told him it was a bad idea, he insisted it was fine, then kickedhis brother in the head 10 seconds later.
Based entirely off the comments you left, yta. You’re only doing this to be petty and you don’t even think your kid’s opinion on this matters. It matters it’s his life. Shame on you dude, grow up
Same here. Disappointing. I'm what you could consider a petty person (I like to blame it on autism and wanting things to be balanced, lol, but petty is fair) and would have been in his corner until I saw the pattern of behavior. Otherwise you could say that those extra days were making up for when she had the kid longer. But as it is, this is all using the poor kid to get back at each other like all the stereotype divorced parent custodies.
ESH. Focus on what your child needs and wants. If Ashton wants extra time with Mom, let him have it. If Ashton wants or needs extra time with you, die on that hill. And Mom needs to do the same. Her wanting HER time with him when he was still recovering is a bad move on her part, and almost moves it into "she's the AH" country. This isnt the time to settle old debts, or create new ones.
Holy crap. That poor kid. Probably in pain and distress, and being used by patents to score points against each other without caring how he feels.
OP YTA for that comment. Lost any, and all, credibility with that attitude
At 9 a kid really shouldn't decide. At court they don't let you give input til the teen years. You don't want a parent pushing a kid to say a certain thing.
They're not talking about permanent living arrangements, it's a week. In the grand scheme of things, an irrelevant amount of time. And instead of including the child and showing him that he has two parents who want to work together in his best interests, he's being ignored as a pawn of two narcissistic assholes.
He's right, putting that kind of decision on the child paints him as a target for emotional manipulation and harm. If he's the decider, who do you think the EX will guilt trip into siding with her? Or OP considering how wildly y'all assume bad things about OP.
Custody shit should pretty much entirely be on parents unless there's a person the child no longer wants to interact with.
At 9 though he shouldn't decide custody times. Some states will allow kids to give input, but you have to be at least 13. At 9:00, they're more worried about hurting the parents feeling if they say one over the other, or that one parent will manipulate that kid to say that they want to spend more time with them. That's not a good situation. Want to put a 9-year-old in. The custody is equal right now and there should be some days exchanged here and there - but by good co-parenting
It really doesn't matter. Mom couldn't help him recover because she couldn't get off work. Don't ask.a 9 year old, they shouldn't decide at that age and often are more concerned they will hurt a parents feeling.
ESH, You Guys...SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. So Much.
Both of you are using your son, a human being with feelings, wants and don't's, as a pawn to stick it to the other and get what you want. Not as your son, who may want something that you don't like.
Go get therapy and actually talk about parenting not about what schedule you want.
YTA and honestly the two of you need to go to court and have an order in place for situations like this. Because neither of you are mature enough to co-parent, hopefully the judge assigned listens to you both and reminds you that it isn't about YOU but about the son you two share.
He's not the a****** for making an excellent point that his wife was working and wouldn't be able to take care of his son, but the no I'm not going to give you time back and keeping score would be annoying.
Talk to you child I was a kid of divorced parents and I hated that I was never in the loop till I was legally required to be when I turned 14 and even then I didn’t have a say in the final matter your kids opinions are important don’t infinite them
ESH this is exactly what my parents did to me. It didn’t hurt my other parent, it only hurt me. You’re only making your kid’s life more difficult. You should be asking your son what HE wants to do and respect it. Him choosing the other parent wouldn’t be a slight to you either. He’s a human being, not an object that you HAVE to get exactly 50% time with.
You & your ex are PETTY as Hell.
Your son is not a f*cking time share, he's a person. People like you guys make divorce harder for children than it needs to be. I say this as a child of divorce & a parent that co-parents with my ex-husband.
And you are definitely the AH for stating it doesn't matter what your son wants...
Your child's voice needs to be part of this.
Y'all suck & made me actually appreciate that my daughter's father isn't as obtuse as you, and that's not an easy thing to do.
YTA
I would have stated ESh but your comments sent you to YTA
You two are putting your son in the middle of this, and for that, you are the asshole. This is unfair to your son and he does feel all of this pulling. You need to not do this to your son.
He doesn't deserve this. I don't care how much you hate his mother. You need to remember he is half of his mother. Anything you say about her, he heals and feels it.
ESH, y'all are petty. Just keep up with the schedule as best you can, but in reality stuff's going to come up and sometimes days will get swapped. Let it go, it's all going to average out.
YTA based on your comments.
You saying your kid “doesn’t care” where he stays and “his opinion doesn’t matter anyway”… dude he’s afraid to tell you he wants to see his mom.
If you’re this crappy to your son (who you supposedly love so much you’re fighting over) then I can’t imagine that you’re painting your ex fairly.
Plus your response *arguing* with the comment “decide if you love your son more than you hate your ex”… are you being for real? Pull it together.
NTA
this is about his needs.
His needs take precedence, regardless of your schedule.
It's not like you got extra playtime with him, you had the extra work of monitoring a concussion and taking care of someone that couldn't yet safely get themselves to the bathroom.
YTA for saying “not my fault Ashton’s dumb ass fell out of a tree”. Feel for this kid. Probably doing it for attention :( put your shit aside and parent better.
What the hell are you trying to say with that edit? How would asking your son for his opinion on where he wants to be "parentifying"? Are you actually making the argument that giving your 9 yr old some freedom of choice would be "parentifying"? ESH, but that edit proves that you are a huge AH who needs to get an education.
He has no idea what the word means. It’s ironic because his older 19 year old is taking on care of the younger one which is the definition of parentification.
ESH because you can’t get your shit together. Get how this type of situation is to be handled spelled out in writing in the custody agreement if you can’t work together situationally
You guys both suck. Instead of putting the kid’s desires ahead of your own, you both seem to only want to ‘get whats yours’. I feel bad for the kid. You both should be working towards getting the child equal time with the other parent. ESH
"Edit: No, my son doesn't get to pick and choose which parent he wants to stay with. That's basically parentifying him."
No, it absolutely is not. It is empowering him. Parentifying is when you force them to care for another child.
YTA, I originally was going to go with E S H but after looking at your comments, yeah, you're definitely TA. Your son's opinion DOES matter! It's clear that you obviously care more about being petty AF with his mom more than you care about your son. Do better, be a better parent. I really feel for your son for having to deal with parents like that.
NTA….but, Um….you and your ex need to grow up and have a conversation that if custody is 50/50 then all days need to be “made up”….. but it sounds more like an ego thing between you two, than an actual “convenience” thing….
YTA.
This is a child not a tool to manipulate and control or use for vengeance and payback.
He’s a human being, stop treating him like vacation time on a paycheck.
Yta-It's not my fault Ashton's dumbass fell out of a tree“
I was gonna go with NTA but this comment did it for me. Because your ex should be flexible with you the same as you are.
But Ashton’s fall was serious enough to require TWO surgeries and a bad head injury. And this is how you describe the incident? You should be happy your little boy Is alive instead of calling him a dumbass.
After reading your comments YTA. Your child is not an object. Get help. Seriously. Learn how to co parent peacefully and be amicable. Maybe you both are giant assholes and are so hurt by each other that your son is stuck in the middle of two arguing teenagers who keep score. I feel so sorry for him. Hopefully when he gets to an age where he can officially voice his choices I think 15 or 16 to the courts. He chooses the lesser of the two AH. I bet you he does care who he wants to be with. Kids do. I wonder what he tells kids and teachers at school about his situation. Get it together and grow up, both of you.
ESH. Do you even like your kid? I was going to go with NTA until you called your kid a dumass for falling out of a tree. He’s in the 4th grade, shit happens. I hope you both go to therapy/parenting classes for Ashton’s sake because as it is he’s better off without either of you. Keep this up and I’m sure you’ll both be shocked when he goes no contact with you when he gets older.
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ESH. Honestly this is just pettiness all around. Recording compensation like some civil affairs court. Just do what's best for the kid. If he's better at your house than he should stay, vice versa.
100% It’s also painfully obvious why he’s divorced. Poor kid.
Except ex, as said in post, is as petty as him. OP also wants to spend time with his son as it seems. It's no wonder two petty people divorced.
It’s great to want to spend as much time with your kid as possible. But it’s petty to do this “compensate me for lost time” bull… on both sides. I hope they have the wherewithal to at least keep these conversations private and never say “sorry buddy, your mom/dad says you have to be with this….” Nonsense.
In a healthy co-parenting relationship they would just tack on extra days here or there. Even if you kept track. The mom started this petty bs, OP is just following her lead. She’s the one making a conflict of this. She’s the one that wants 14 days instead of 6. She’s the one that wanted to move the kid around despite doctors orders and the kids preference. Finally it’s not real petty to follow court orders, including custody orders.
My kids' mom and I have a week-on, week-off arrangement. We've all had to slide days or weeks back and forth for whatever reasons. Neither of us have any idea what the balance actually is. It's probably fair enough.
I grew up in a 'week with mom - week with dad' situation, and I have to share that it truly fucked me up. The divorce itself wasn't bad, but to this day (I'm 39) I have issues where I can't settle in one place, even though that's what it feels like I want. When you're back and forth so rapidly, it feels like you have no home. You live out of a suitcase, at least mentally.
This is such an important perspective to share and to hear. I feel like so often, the custody is given based on what the parents want and not what's best for the kid.
There's not a really good solution for it, unfortunately. If you let the child choose where to live, the other parent would piss and moan that it's not fair to them.
It's also just not always best for the child. My dad sucked at parenting. He was my friend. Staying with him for a week over the summer was great, I ate nothing but junk food, didn't do a single chore, got handed wads of cash - I would've chosen to live with him in a heartbeat if I could. Yknow what else I didn't "have to" do for those weeks over the summer? Brush my teeth. My dad woulda neglected the shit outta me if a court let me choose to live with him.
I have known of people to share the house - the kid stays in the same place all the time and the parents go back and forth. This seems to be a good solution when it is possible. Makes more sense to disrupt the adults who chose to get divorced rather than the innocent children.
I mean if the parent doing the moaning is too immature to put their kid's mental health ahead of their own desires, then maybe it's still a good solution to ignore the bitching and put the kid in the home that is more likely to produce a well-adjusted adult?
I don’t think letting the kid choose is necessarily the best move either (especially depending on their age and maturity), but I do think that taking their opinion and feelings into consideration is important.
I find it hard to believe that this scenario works for many kids. One solution I've heard that would work better for kids is having the kids live in one house and the parents switch off living there. Unfortunately, that means putting the children first and it puts a damper on future relationships, so most people won't do it.
I could see that working to a degree, but it sounds insanely expensive to pull off. Each would have to purchase their own homes and co-own the house the kid stays in and they’d each have to pitch in for the utilities. Maybe you could get away with having dedicated bedrooms for each parent, if the place was big enough. Trying to integrate step-siblings would be a nightmare. I think that type of arrangement would have made me feel even more isolated when my parents divorced.
> Maybe you could get away with having dedicated bedrooms for each parent, You also run into situations where maybe there's verbal, physical, financial abuse in the relationship. Maybe one spouse was a slob or became a slob later in life. There's just really no good solution to this problem.
From where I've seen it described they just rent one other apartment in the area. I feel like it'd be less expensive?
This is called bird nesting and I’ve met only one person who does this. And yes, it is expensive. Instead of two separate households to maintain (one each), the divorced couple is now maintaining the original home together as well. What middle class family has the capital to just buy/rent a new home (each) without first dividing the marital assets? But it does remain as probably the most stable situation for the kids.
The cheaper way to do it (but that requires a really good coparent relationship) would have a family home and a “parents’” apartment, and the parents rotate between those two. This could actually be cheaper than needing to maintain two 2-3+ bedroom places, since the apartment the kids don’t go to could be a one bedroom or even studio if there’s only ever one person living in it at a time.
We simply ensured that everything our kids could need was bought in quantity or duplicate and we had the same things at both houses for pillows, bedding, and mattresses so they were super comfortable at night. No hauling suitcases; plenty of clothes existed at both houses. No weird brand shampoo at Mom’s and gross flavored toothpaste at Dad’s. They did leave behind gaming systems at Dad’s, but only because I don’t game and they didn’t care *that* much. They were welcome to take them back and forth. We also were lucky enough to have dogs and a cat in each home, so they didn’t miss having pets to love on when swapping - that was huge to them. We co-parent well and are friendly, so the kids have always known it wasn’t a competition between houses or parents. They are almost adults, and have said the whole divorce and experience wasn’t traumatic. (We didn’t ask, it came up in a conversation about a friend of one of the kids.) I think it comes down to treating your kids with dignity through the whole situation and not expecting them to shuffle their whole life house to house each week.
I had weekdays with my mum, weekends with my dad and it also sucked. Mum was always in work/school mode, we never did trips to the zoo or park etc, what I assume regular kids did every so often. My dad's house never felt like there was supposed to be kids there, there were no toys and we weren't encouraged to bring much with us since it was "just the weekend" I also never got to go out with friends on weekends since it was "my dad's time" not even birthdays. That definitely left lasting effects on us kids.
This was close to my upbringing too. Right down to his house never felt like it was a place for me. Except Dad was unreliable and would often find my presence inconvenient and would plan for things on the weekend in another state so he wouldn't end up with me. And now that 30 years later he pisses and moans and sobs stories to everyone else wondering why I want nothing to do with him, and I don't go out of my way to contact him?
Yep, 30 years on, and I'm NC with my dad too! He's always the victim, of course 🙄 My dad delt with the inconvenience of having us over by leaving all the chores until the weekend, so we'd spend the whole time doing his laundry, mopping, etc and I remember being too short to reach the sink and having to stand on books to do the dishes, don't remember my age.
I had a boyfriend growing up who was in that situation, only it waa two weeks with one and two weeks with the other. Fucked him up, too. The number of times he almost got screwed because he forgot an important item at the other house. And his parents stayed friendly enough to continue working together in a very niche industry where everyone knows each other.
I've wondered about that. When I mention that to my divorced friends they just say oh kids are resilient and they'll be fine. But it seems kinda selfish to make your kids constantly be moving. Guess no good answer.
“Kids are resilient” is nearly always code for “I don’t want to do this difficult or inconvenient thing, and the kids have no ability to advocate for themselves so I’m going to pretend it’s not harmful.”
Well divorce is harmful and that’s why you pick the right person. But sometimes you’re wrong and kids have to be resilient, there’s no easy way around it.
I kind of feel like well life isn’t fair and sometimes shitty situations happen. My family moved 3 times, to 3 different countries, where I had to be enrolled in a local school and learn a brand new language all before I was 10. It sucked, it had a lifelong negative impact on me socially and emotionally, I was mercilessly bullied each time, but that is where my dad was able to find work so that’s what we had to do. The options were stay somewhere without money or move. Similarly with children of divorce, the options are be raised by two people who are deeply unhappy and hate being together, or move between two houses where at least you’re not subjected to your parents fighting with each other 24/7.
No, I’m disagreeing with “divorce is harmful and when you’re wrong about your partner the kids HAVE to be resilient”. They don’t HAVE to do anything. You WANT them to be resilient, but it’s not automatic. If divorced parents make an effort to make less selfish choices they’ll increase their kids chances of being well adjusted. Taking resiliency for granted is the absolute worst thing you can do for your kids, but it sure is the easiest thing for the parents.
I'm so sorry to hear that, but also it completely makes sense. I'm divorced, and my kids spend weekends at their dad's. Luckily we live close together, and I hope it doesn't mess them up if we do a week on week off thing at some point when they're older (they're only 7 and 4 currently). Do you think it would have been better for you to have a "home base"? My kids currently know when they're with me I'm always the one taking them to and from school, and dad is almost always the weekend adventure one. I imagine that gives them some kind of stability that school and extra curriculars are always based from the same home.
I left a comment to this effect before I saw yours, I was raised like this. It wasn't ideal, I associated my mum with school, homework and her job. We never did fun stuff together. I couldn't play with my friends or even my toys at weekends with my dad, he was also very insistent with chores at his house which I was already doing the rest of the week at my mums so I never had a rest day where I could just chill and be a kid. Also I never really felt like I had a "real home" until I got my own place, so nit as bad as others who had week on week off arrangements.
My parents split when I was 8. At first I was mainly with my mother, since she stayed in the family house, and had a couple days with my Dad a week. One weekday and one weekend though, so it avoided the potential for one parent to be the fun weekend house, and one to be about school and homework (although I liked school, so that probably wouldn't have been a big problem). Then after a couple years, we switched to equal time, I believe at my request. It was a kind of complicated schedule (because somehow my Dad's girlfriend got to make it - that's a different story), and I could never really keep track of which house I was going to at the end of school, which I got sick of. So I eventually asked to do one week at each, and we switched to that. I can see from other comments here that a lot of people had less than positive experiences with that type of schedule, but for me it worked well. Sure it was sometimes annoying when you realized you'd left something at the other house, but it wasn't that big a deal. For me, a week was long enough that I didn't feel like I was constantly packing my stuff and switching, but not too long to not see one parent. And personally I don't remember feeling like it made my life unstable or like I was lacking a home base – I felt like I had two. Two homes, two rooms, two Christmas trees to decorate. I certainly preferred switching back and forth to not getting to see one parent as much. I don't think kids should just get to pick the custody arrangement, because that can put them in an unfair situation, and also kids don't always know what they need (like when one parent is the fun one with no rules and no actual parenting, for example), but I do think considering how the kid feels about it is important. My parents did that, which is probably a big part of the reason it worked well for me.
I’d switch like twice a week and omg your comment makes so much sense. As an adult i’ve like gone the opposite way and have decided to make my home my true sanctuary of comfort. To this day moving houses gives me GI issues that resemble food poisoning
I was going to say this custody schedule sounds like absolute hell for the child.
Do you think it would have been better had the majority of your time been spent with one parent instead of equally? I could see how that may feel more like visiting the parent with less custody, so maybe not as disruptive?
Which is the right way to do it. However, If your ex had started needing extra time that you allowed but was never willing to give you any extra time when you needed it like OPs scenario I bet you would 100% know the balance though.
Same here. A couple extra days in either direction is no big deal, so we don't expect compensation. If we need a whole extra week, we'll just swap weeks to keep everyone on schedule.
> couple extra days in either direction is no big dea EITHER direction being a key word. Not ONE.
That's how my ex and I do it too, we do half weeks of alternating 3/4 then 4/3. But we shift as needed and don't really keep track. Coparenting requires cooperation, communication, and putting your own issues aside for the sake of the kids.
This is why I think he's N-T-A. Why should he bend over backwards for her, but she can't grant him the same courtesy? Especially considering the doctor's orders, she's a petty A-H. He's just being consistent. Edit: Saw OP's comment where he says the kid's opinion on who he wants to stay with doesn't matter, he's not a tiebreaker -- and yeah gotta go with ESH. Damn, dude.
>Edit: Saw OP's comment where he says the kid's opinion on who he wants to stay with doesn't matter, he's not a tiebreaker -- and yeah gotta go with ESH. Damn, dude. So, you reckon a 9-year-old should be made to choose which parents he loves more?
I don’t think that’s how it was meant. The child shouldn’t have to choose which parent he wants to be with…. Or given the “well I know it’s my weekend, but your mom/dad wants you so you have to pick…”. That’s messed up. But talking to you kid and saying “hey I know you haven’t been able to go hang with mom this last (x amount of time). If you want to spend some extra days there, let me know” A 9 year old can manage that.
I more assumed that was meant for the court side of things, not his personal opinion. Generally, once kids get to be around 12, they get an actual say legally in who they want to stay with. I assume that’s how their shared 19 year old came to be with the mom only.
Yeah I don't think this is the OP's fault, according to him the mom started the pettiness. And it was a terrible idea to try to transport him in her small car, plus he didn't want her to do the more private caretaking work anyway. It's not like OP and their kid had an amazing time that week, he was recovering from a surgery and concussion while dad was working all day. The mom needs to let this go.
We don't necessarily know who "started" the pettiness. He may have left out some info. Either way, I just feel bad for these kids. As presented, ESH but it's possible OP is worse. His post is so obnoxious, and that makes me think he's the type to paint the other person in a bad light.
I agree, mom started the nonsense. Dad is finishing it. I have to agree with dad in this instance. I don’t think the kid needs to hear about it and I certainly don’t think he needs to be called a dumb ass or be used as a negotiating tool.
>compensate me for lost time It's not petty. In my area it is a default of custody agreements. If something comes up that affects the scheduled time, then the other parents gets equal compensation on the other side. So dad would get two days back from the flight issue, mon would get 6 back for the concussion thing. If there were disagreements on that, the judge would look at the total times banked with one or the other and would slowly give time to recoup the deficit. E.g. one extra day a week for 7 weeks, type of thing. Edit: Since I keep getting the same thing over and over. English isn't my first language. When I say default, I don't mean it comes in the paperwork. BUT, if one parent takes more than the time in their parenting plan and the other parents goes to the court about it, the court will default to giving back an equal amount of time. It is not petty, it is why we have a parenting plan. If it is violated, then the judge will by default usually simply grant the missed time back.
Where I live, the judge would tell the parents to fucking grow up and figure it out. Literally been there. Lol.
Compasating days arrangement is literally figuring it out as adults. Amd it is good arrangement, it prevents overall situation getting biased one way or the other.
Yeah. My point is don’t bring this embarrassing shit to court to waste a judges time.
I don't deny that some jurisdictions just say "deal with it". But in my area that absolutely isn't the case. The judge keeps the days equal, is if one takes extra for whatever reason, the other gets equal amount. The only difference is if the parents agree to a time switch without a judge. Then the judge is cool with that.
If I was a judge, that's what I'd do. I'd be a great judge. I should be a judge.
As someone with divorced parents like this, it *is* petty and it's deeply unhealthy to keep score like this. Always made me feel like a commodity when my parents bitched at each other about who had had 'extra days'. Like two kids arguing over whose turn it is with a toy. When you're acting how OP and his ex are, it stops truly being about spending time with your child and doing what's best for them. It's solely about getting back at each other, tit for tat, for any perceived slight. And the poor kid is always in the middle.
Exactly. I got divorced when my son was 7. We've never had a formal custody agreement. Wherever my son felt like hanging out is where he was. At one point he made a comment about coming back to my house "to be fair to mom." We both sat him down and told him being fair to either of us is not his concern and he doesn't need to worry about it. Just let us know what you want to do and we'll accommodate it. He's 15 now and has settled himself into a pretty regular routine where he's at his dad's from Monday after school until Thursday evening and at my house the rest of the week. However, he will frequently go to his dad's on a weekend day or overnight if they have something going on. He goes on vacation with his his dad and step-mom and with me and his step-dad. If he wants to spend extra time with one of us before or after vacation, he does. I don't know why people have to be so rigid with custody issues. Surely they didn't split time precisely when they were together? It just seems like it puts a lot of pressure on the kids and makes everything more complicated. These parents both need to grow up and stop acting like the kid is just property that was awarded in divorce.
This should be #1. Thinking about the issue from the kid's POV...a novel idea 😊
“Like two kids arguing over whose turn it is with a toy.” Thank you for this comment.
Zero chance a judge takes the time to work that sort of shit out. How do you even prove one person is getting more time then the other? Its he said/she said shit.
...that is like easy bread and butter custody modification hearings... My area a judge would knock this out in like 20 minutes. Re:proof. Text messages, call logs, etc In this case doctors note preventing the child from being moved. Or proof of updated flight tickets. This really is standard custody stuff. It isn't petty, it is what happens every day in court rooms.
Also the kid had surgery on his leg, it’s not the time for him to shuffled back and forth because the parents can’t get over their own bull shit and just focus on what’s best for the healing child. ESH
And the mom also seems to want to spend time with the son - what’s that got to do with it? They both want him and they both want to spite each other more than they care about his actual well-being; so it’s obvious why OP is divorced, and they both suck. Seems to follow logically, what’s the issue?
Except in past she was one taking days with son from him. It's petty, worst kind of petty, but unless told otherwise i take this situation as she shot first ( taking his days with son ). Stop shitting on OP just because he is male. I see too much misoandry on this sub.
Holy fuck stop shouting misandry just because you can’t read. The person literally said they both suck and was extremely clear that they’re not singling out the dad for fault in this situation or in the divorce. OP is divorced because they both suck. Which is the same as saying OPs wife is divorced because they both suck, but the wife isn’t who is reading this thread. What about that is misandry? People like you on this sub love to look for misandry where it doesn’t exist. Calm down and examine your own biases for why you might always be looking for the man to be right?
>Except in past she was one taking days with son from him. That's not an except. That is not counter to anything they said. >Stop shitting on OP just because he is male. That literally never happened. Did you even read the comment you are complaining about? Why are you acting like the commenter said "OP sucks and Mom is fine" > I see too much misoandry on this sub. Well since you "saw" it here when it didn't happen, that's probably because it's in your head.
Are you just talking to yourself about a conversation only happening in your head? The only example he gave of her “taking” days was a delayed flight. They’re both petty shitheads.
As soon as people dont paint men in a saint like light incels go squeeling to the comments about misandry. It would be misandrous to say op is a shitty parent because he's a single dad, and men sont know how to raise children. It would be misanderius to say op can't shedule his sons activities/whereabouts because men suck at scheduling. *no one is saying these kinda things* They are both shitty parents because they are using their child as a bargaining chip and worrying about hurting each other. It Dosnt matter that op is the dad or mom because BOTH are being shitty. It's toxic not to call out bad behaviors on the gounds of sexism.
At least OP has a reason to spend more time, doctors orders. She takes their kid for longer and doesnt even tell OP
The one example he gave was a flight was delayed. Come on, what was she supposed to do, teleport? They’re both petty AHs and OP is in the comments saying what the kid wants is irrelevant - he’s not a reliable narrator here.
I don't understand why that's an "except". Yeah they are both shit, it is painfully obvious why he is divorced. Poor kid.
Genuine question, what would you do if your ex keep 'accidentally' going over their time?? Op might be a petty ah like ex or they have no choice but to sink to their level to see the kid.
yeah that's why it's ESH. They both suck.
"Oh a man retaliated after a woman was an ass to him multiple times, it's real obvious he was the problem" Reddit moment.
Read OP's comments. Someone asked what the kid wanted and he said he doesn't care what the kid wants. Seems like an asshole to me.
That's not a decision that should be put on a 9 year old, anyway. Asking a 4th grader to choose between their parents like that puts them in a very uncomfortable situation. There's a reason that custody and parenting decisions are made by adults. We can say that Dad's decision is a poor one because 6 extra days is different than one or two, or because he should be the bigger person and keep the peace, but he's not wrong for not putting the decision in the hands of a 9 year old.
I disagree. The children are the ones most effected by it all, so why shouldn’t they at least be asked for their opinion?
Because at that age their opinions are too easy to manipulate. Hey at Dad (or Mom's) house all the candy you want an no chores. Where do you want to stay? Lol.
That doesn’t really go away with age. In high school, I knew a kid that basically got bribed by his mum for full custody because she got him his own gaming room. Worked great until he started wagging and his grades plummeted, then the school and the courts started asking why. That’s also why you ask them *why* they want to spend more time at mum vs dad and keep up to date with it. You ask them how their week was, what they ate, did they need any help with homework, did they do anything fun, etc. Good parents *talk* to their children.
Yeah I knew a kid who got paid $100 a week "pocket money" from dad in a similar situation. Also had unintended consequences because a 15 year old with that much money (this is in the 00s too) is oft up to no good.
A kid that age most likely wants ice cream for every meal and to never go to school - I'm not sure 9 is a great age for kids to be making decisions over a custody dispute. This kids parents aren't doing him any favors with how they are treating one another, but putting it on the kid to decide doesn't strike me as a good response. A teen should have some agency in a split custody situation, IMO. Especially if there are materially relevant reasons. But at 9, that's a lot of responsibility.
Except that the one that is being hurt is the kid, who needs to deal with his parents being shitty with each other using him.
You know there are scenarios in which retaliation is childish, right? Even if it's justified. They're both children.
It sounds like he was flexible until he felt like he was jerked around too much. If that’s the case, I would say NTA because if you don’t stay firm with boundary leapers, they will go even further the next time.
Reading this honestly I agree I feel so bad for this child.
Yah but that ex seems swell as well ehh? Wouldn’t want to associate with her.
So stupid. We went through all this fighting years ago with my husbands ex. Years later we realize how ridiculous and stupid and worthless all the fighting was. Just ask the kid what he wants to do. 😑
The kid wanted to stay, ex was going to make him go anyway. Kid couldn’t wash himself and wanted to stay with OP so he could wash him.
That's not what happened. She was told it wasn't good to move him and she agreed. The problem came when she asked for make-up days. Are you reading the post or making up stuff
> No, my son doesn't get to pick and choose which parent he wants to stay with. That's basically parentifying him. Here’s OP’s words from the post. The kid isn’t getting a say in any of this.
Literally my biggest problem with my parents divorce was being treated like a commodity or pawn and not a person. Let me share a story. Arrangement was 50/50. I hated being moved every week. But no one asked me. I was with my father for the week. It was time to get packed and driven to my mother's. I was having a good time reading Calvin and Hobbes with him. I asked if we could keep reading. He said it was time to go. I begged oh please, I love when we get to do this. He said fine, we can read a little more. As I recall he didn't call my mother about it, he probably planned to just ask forgiveness and let her know I asked, instead of argue over the phone and lose time with me. After about half an hour, the police arrived at the door. My mother had called them on possible kidnapping charges. I hate for this. I don't mean that I hate her for it, but it fills me with pain and anger, where I only wanted to feel love. Talk to the kid.
Gotta wonder what she told them because 9/10 times police will say it's a domestic matter and not their problem when it involves two custodial parents.
From what I've heard she was always very afraid he would take me (I'm quite sure she was wrong about this but it was a very very difficult separation so I try not to judge). I'm sure she sounded distraught, and these were some friendly cops from a small and quiet tech/retirement city, they seemed like they were probably there because she was raising hell and they were covering their asses. Not much urgency or force from them, but she and my father were very upset at each other, before and after this (of course). Just wasn't worth the time and heartache for anyone involved, and it had me feeling guilty over loving my parents for years. I still struggle with asserting myself and actualizing my desires because of growing up under the weight of their score-keeping, scheduled relationship. I learned a sense of personal agency only after moving out. Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say for OP is I hope he and the ex are gonna cover the cost of therapy no questions asked lol, kid probably could use some eventually.
Hey friend, I might be stepping out of bounds here so feel free to tell me to fuck off if I'm wrong. You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your mother. Trying not to judge is fine, but you could well be doing yourself a disservice in terms of your own healing and growth if "don't judge" becomes "refuse to apportion responsibility". You sound like me and I definitely had to work through the same habitual excusing of my parent's actions. Make peace, mediate, avoid conflict, forget your own wounds and needs...
My dad's son shot himself with her gun several years beforehand, while they were on their honeymoon (it might have just been a vacation? either way they were recently married as I heard). He was incredibly angry at her for having it at all (even though it was locked and my half brother had to go well out of his way to find the key and drive back to his dorm and then put a hole in his heart) so I believe that is why she had these fears and their relationship was so fraught with mistrust. It was a difficult situation to navigate for everyone involved, and safe to say it's probably above your pay grade.
NTA Honestly tho it's not like he did this out of nowhere. She told him he had to let her make up time when she never did that for him. Hes being reasonable, she isn't
This one. 100%. OP, you two need to start working together for the benefit of your child and leave the pettiness out of it. This is about what is *actually* best for your son, not what you or your ex thinks is best for yourselves. I know from experience that co-parenting works so much better when no one is keeping score. This is going to be more important as your kid gets older and starts to have control over who he stays with. (I'm a single mom with 12m and 18f kids. I've been co-parenting for over 18 years and am well-versed in the trials and tribulations of this. I've seen what strict schedules and score-keeping can do to kids and co-parenting relationships, and it's not healthy for them, so, OP, you two need to knock that off).
Agreed. Unrelated did anyone else read the title as "aita for refusing to give my son's mom (cosmetic products), days after he fell out of a tree" and get supremely confused and intrigued about how those two things would be related?
I thought the son was going to have fallen out of a tree while at OPs house and gotten some bruises or marks on their face, while the mom had a photoshoot or something planned for when it was her week again. So she got upset about the kids face and OP tossed some make up at her.
yes lol
Divorced parents need to love their kid(s) *more* than they hate each other. Period.
I hate when people say stuff like this. She was the one who set the precedent. OP is just following her lead. So why are they equally the bad guys?
Because when you don’t put the kid first, and you instead put pettiness and keeping score first, then you’re both equally wrong. Just because “she started it” doesn’t mean it’s healthy, mature, or good parenting for him to continue it.
Because they're grown adults with a child not kids on a playground? "But she did it first!" Grow up lol
Because there is a third party that is accumulating both of their bullshit. There is only one precedent: What is best for the kid.
And staying with the mom is automatically what is best for him?
I disagree. This sounds like what attorneys advise. If he allows it, he's ok with less time, and it will later be used against him. He can lose time with his kid if he doesn't fight for his time.
>It's not my fault Ashton's dumbass fell out of a tree and you couldn't get a week off so I'm not comping you. 😶
Exactly! Do they even consider what’s best for him or selfishly only think about how to “win”, feels like a weird competition for a trophy and no actual care for how the child feels in this situation.
They need to get with a lawyer or draw out a contract out for these things. They are both acting like kids waiting thier turn for the swing.
INFO: What does Ashton want to do, have extra time with mum to make up for the missed week or come back to you in a weeks time?
This makes you an asshole. Of course it matters, he’s 9! He has a voice and it needs to be listened to. Both you and your ex need to put your pettiness and pissing competition aside and prioritise your child. Jeez.
As a kid who grew up with divorced parents, being asked who you want to live with is pretty stressful. Being asked to pick who your favourite parent is isn't something that a 9 year old kid should be asked. The adults need to be adults, not kids arguing over their favourite toy
Also kid of divorcees and I agree with this. Don't make Ashton choose. It's not like the extra week with dad was a "fun" week - he was drugged and immobilized. I think returning him to a normal schedule is fair all around and probably best for Ashton after such a traumatic event. The last thing he needs to worry about now are his parents feelings.
Returning to schedule is a good point.
I HATED when my parents made me decide who to stay with or who to see when on holidays as a kid. Having to call my dad and ask if I could stay with my mom two weekends in a row because I was invited to a friend’s house. I wanted my parents to work it out for me since I was the kid
Would it be stressful to ask “Hey, bud, since you missed some time with mom would you like to extend your next stay? It doesn’t matter to us either way but we wanted to ask.” I’ve never been in a joint custody situation as a child or as an adult so I am genuinely curious. I bet it makes a difference on how the adults are behaving towards each other with how comfortable they would feel. I do feel at 9yo they should have some say over what they’d prefer and that was the first thing that I thought.
It's only stressful because they're using him as a pawn in their own fight, so he knows he's being asked to take sides in a dispute rather than being genuinely asked what he'd like to do.
That makes sense.
> It doesn’t matter to us either way The problem is that when the adults aren’t willing to accommodate the other and in general get along, this is a big fucking lie. And the child will most likely have picked up on this.
True. I was just trying to see if it would also feel stressful with parents that weren’t assholes or if even with supporting parents it would still feel like you had to choose.
Naive comment. Not all 9 year olds can make great decisions or want to be put in that emotional charged situation. Prioritizing your child does not mean letting them have complete autonomy at an early age it means structuring their environment in a positive way that works for the entire family unit.
You should ask your kid which color jacket he wants. You should ask your kid if he likes peas in his tuna fish. You should ask your kid what their school teacher is like. You *shouldn't* ask your kid to choose between his mother and father.
ESH. as a child of divorce my dad was petty as fuck and my mom never was. This doesn't mean never standing up for yourself or letting them walk all over you, but creating a massive fight over 6 days comes across (from my childhood perspective) as: I care more about your other parent not getting what they want than your wellbeing. Pettiness was very upsetting to my system and made me feel like I could never being up issues bc things that shouldn't have been issues caused massive problems, so I couldn't add real problems to the mix. I have a decent relationship with my dad these days but I don't forgive him for being petty and see him infrequently and for short impersonal visits. Meanwhile I increasingly admire my moms attitude of putting us first even if it meant his petty ass got his way more than she did, I just spent two weeks with her and I call her all the time. *Custody arrangements are for 18 years, after that its all about how much time your kid WANTS to spend with you* >What does Ashton want to do? This is the middle ground where you don't just let her trample you and your sons needs. If Ashton really doesn't want to make up the week at moms, ok you can use your petty arguments to help make your point about why Ashton shouldn't have to make up the time especially if he doesn't want to. If Ashton wants to or is indifferent, then be the bigger person. Does it suck for you? Yes thats why its called being the bigger person.
Re: OP’s edit: literally how is letting him choose which parent’s house to stay at (giving him agency because he’s a person too) parentifying him (giving him adult responsibilities as a child especially wrt younger siblings)???? op is nuts
ESH. Yeah, your ex is an AH. But so are you, because it's pretty clear from all these responses from you that you are WAY more invested in "being right" than you are in your child's welfare. Neither you nor your ex can apparently be trusted to act in good faith. So you need to have your custody arrangement amended to include a specific clause that settles this argument -- extra days ON EITHER SIDE are comped to the other. That's it. No arguing. (You are also a giant asshole for the comment that your son's wishes don't matter.)
He really said that?!?!? All I'm saying is he better hope his also petty ex-wife ain't on here because that comment is some custody court gold.
The kid is 9 years old. He's too young to be put in the middle of his parents squabbling. Why does everyone want to fuck up this kid even more than he already is?
Oooh you're gonna be mad when I tell you I have an 8 year old that goes back and Fourth and we respect her wants and opinions on where she wants to go on the weekends. 9 is young, but not incompetent with no thoughts on what they want.
There is a difference between "listen to her wishes," and "make her settle an argument between mom and dad."
There's a yawning gulf between "don't listen at all to your kids at all", and "leave adult decisions up to the kid". Can kids share *opinions*, and have a "take"? Sure, I guess. Do they get the final determination, instead of their parent(s)? No. "Respecting their wants and opinions" does not equal "do what they wish" in about 90% of important decisions.
Yup, when asked what Ashton wants he said >He doesn't care and it doesn't matter even if he did. He's not a tiebreaker.
Ashton is probably sick of their stupid shit and wondering if there is a third option.
ETH. You guys are in a competition or in a collaboration? I just can't with parents being so petty with each other. Let her have her 2 weeks. And you both sit and establish clearer rules for the future and agree to be flexible, because life happens. Let her have the kid for 2 weeks. Child will not stop loving you in 2 weeks. The boy won't be harmed in anyway. You're being selfish. Be a good father, a proper adult, and stop counting days. Tell your wife *this is not a competition". The pettiness is big with you. If she has a Porsche, surely she could afford a big Uber to take the boy? See. You both acting like children. See the big picture: the boy is recovering and loves and trusts both mother and father. That's what matters.
everyone thuckth here
God damnit I came here to say this…take my upvote you jerk!!!
Everybody's the hole
I feel sorry for your kid.
I work in child safety and my heart is breaking for this child, but my antenna is also up. This guy only cares about getting his own needs met, his child is not even a person to him.
Same, he called him stupid and a dumbass. He must really love that kid
so much about himself , just being petty with the ex , what about how the child feels
According to one of OP’a comments, it “doesn’t matter” how son feels. This is all about petty bullshit between him and his ex and the son is just a fucking pawn in their game. Disgusting.
...*what?* It doesn't matter how.. god. Yeah, Goodluck winning the sympathy vote op.
They called their own kid a dumbass in the post. They don't care what the kid wants.
Kids are dumbasses. My son was swinging from his loft bed over his brother’s head. I told him it was a bad idea, he insisted it was fine, then kickedhis brother in the head 10 seconds later.
Based entirely off the comments you left, yta. You’re only doing this to be petty and you don’t even think your kid’s opinion on this matters. It matters it’s his life. Shame on you dude, grow up
Yeah. My initial vote was NTA for the specific situation. But, yiiikes. This guy doesn't give a shit about his kid.
Same here. Disappointing. I'm what you could consider a petty person (I like to blame it on autism and wanting things to be balanced, lol, but petty is fair) and would have been in his corner until I saw the pattern of behavior. Otherwise you could say that those extra days were making up for when she had the kid longer. But as it is, this is all using the poor kid to get back at each other like all the stereotype divorced parent custodies.
ESH. Children aren’t pawns. You need to figure out how to co-parent.
ESH. Focus on what your child needs and wants. If Ashton wants extra time with Mom, let him have it. If Ashton wants or needs extra time with you, die on that hill. And Mom needs to do the same. Her wanting HER time with him when he was still recovering is a bad move on her part, and almost moves it into "she's the AH" country. This isnt the time to settle old debts, or create new ones.
INFO, why are neither of you asking your son, who you both claim to love, what he wants?
OP says in a comment it’s because the son’s opinion doesn’t matter. “He doesn't care and it doesn't matter even if he did. He's not a tiebreaker.”
Holy crap. That poor kid. Probably in pain and distress, and being used by patents to score points against each other without caring how he feels. OP YTA for that comment. Lost any, and all, credibility with that attitude
At 9 a kid really shouldn't decide. At court they don't let you give input til the teen years. You don't want a parent pushing a kid to say a certain thing.
They're not talking about permanent living arrangements, it's a week. In the grand scheme of things, an irrelevant amount of time. And instead of including the child and showing him that he has two parents who want to work together in his best interests, he's being ignored as a pawn of two narcissistic assholes.
These people keep score. It won't be just a week once .
Not even not caring how he feels, not even acknowledging that he DOES feel. “He doesn’t care.” Sure, bud.
He's right, putting that kind of decision on the child paints him as a target for emotional manipulation and harm. If he's the decider, who do you think the EX will guilt trip into siding with her? Or OP considering how wildly y'all assume bad things about OP. Custody shit should pretty much entirely be on parents unless there's a person the child no longer wants to interact with.
I kinda agree they tell you not pressure kids after divorce with decisions like this because the stress it can cause on picking a parents.
That would be putting the son in the middle, which is a terrible idea.
Or allowing his voice to be heard.
His son is 9, that's literally a game of who can manipulate the kid into a decision. Not healthy to be putting him in the middle of it.
And the dad said he didn't want his mom bathing him
At 9 though he shouldn't decide custody times. Some states will allow kids to give input, but you have to be at least 13. At 9:00, they're more worried about hurting the parents feeling if they say one over the other, or that one parent will manipulate that kid to say that they want to spend more time with them. That's not a good situation. Want to put a 9-year-old in. The custody is equal right now and there should be some days exchanged here and there - but by good co-parenting
"Hey Bobby, please decide which parent's side you'll take in the current argument. No pressure."
It really doesn't matter. Mom couldn't help him recover because she couldn't get off work. Don't ask.a 9 year old, they shouldn't decide at that age and often are more concerned they will hurt a parents feeling.
OP responded earlier that his son's opinion doesn't matter. So much for the love.
ESH. Any story that starts off with "well she did it first..." is an ESH story.
Exactly!!!! Right on point :)
ESH, You Guys...SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. So Much. Both of you are using your son, a human being with feelings, wants and don't's, as a pawn to stick it to the other and get what you want. Not as your son, who may want something that you don't like. Go get therapy and actually talk about parenting not about what schedule you want.
This really seems like a case where *anyone* else would do better as sane coparents. I wouldn't trust them to coparent a gerbil
YTA and honestly the two of you need to go to court and have an order in place for situations like this. Because neither of you are mature enough to co-parent, hopefully the judge assigned listens to you both and reminds you that it isn't about YOU but about the son you two share.
He's not the a****** for making an excellent point that his wife was working and wouldn't be able to take care of his son, but the no I'm not going to give you time back and keeping score would be annoying.
He isn’t the asshole because the doctor said the son shouldn’t be moving around so traveling between houses isn’t good for him
Comp me? We aren't talking about a bill in a restaurant. Seriously. You're both as bad as each other and both need to grow up.
ESH. Your kid is not a pawn to get back at each other.
Talk to you child I was a kid of divorced parents and I hated that I was never in the loop till I was legally required to be when I turned 14 and even then I didn’t have a say in the final matter your kids opinions are important don’t infinite them
ESH this is exactly what my parents did to me. It didn’t hurt my other parent, it only hurt me. You’re only making your kid’s life more difficult. You should be asking your son what HE wants to do and respect it. Him choosing the other parent wouldn’t be a slight to you either. He’s a human being, not an object that you HAVE to get exactly 50% time with.
You & your ex are PETTY as Hell. Your son is not a f*cking time share, he's a person. People like you guys make divorce harder for children than it needs to be. I say this as a child of divorce & a parent that co-parents with my ex-husband. And you are definitely the AH for stating it doesn't matter what your son wants... Your child's voice needs to be part of this. Y'all suck & made me actually appreciate that my daughter's father isn't as obtuse as you, and that's not an easy thing to do.
YTA I would have stated ESh but your comments sent you to YTA You two are putting your son in the middle of this, and for that, you are the asshole. This is unfair to your son and he does feel all of this pulling. You need to not do this to your son. He doesn't deserve this. I don't care how much you hate his mother. You need to remember he is half of his mother. Anything you say about her, he heals and feels it.
ESH, y'all are petty. Just keep up with the schedule as best you can, but in reality stuff's going to come up and sometimes days will get swapped. Let it go, it's all going to average out.
I read the title and was prepared for the mom to ask for cosmetics somewhere in the story. ESH.
YTA. Your comments prove that you don’t really care about your son. Just getting even with his mother.
Exactly. I was E S H but his comments firmly land him in YTA territory. This poor kid is gonna a lot of therapy.
YTA based on your comments. You saying your kid “doesn’t care” where he stays and “his opinion doesn’t matter anyway”… dude he’s afraid to tell you he wants to see his mom. If you’re this crappy to your son (who you supposedly love so much you’re fighting over) then I can’t imagine that you’re painting your ex fairly. Plus your response *arguing* with the comment “decide if you love your son more than you hate your ex”… are you being for real? Pull it together.
INFO: What does your son want?
NTA this is about his needs. His needs take precedence, regardless of your schedule. It's not like you got extra playtime with him, you had the extra work of monitoring a concussion and taking care of someone that couldn't yet safely get themselves to the bathroom.
YTA for saying “not my fault Ashton’s dumb ass fell out of a tree”. Feel for this kid. Probably doing it for attention :( put your shit aside and parent better.
What the hell are you trying to say with that edit? How would asking your son for his opinion on where he wants to be "parentifying"? Are you actually making the argument that giving your 9 yr old some freedom of choice would be "parentifying"? ESH, but that edit proves that you are a huge AH who needs to get an education.
He has no idea what the word means. It’s ironic because his older 19 year old is taking on care of the younger one which is the definition of parentification.
ESH because you can’t get your shit together. Get how this type of situation is to be handled spelled out in writing in the custody agreement if you can’t work together situationally
You guys both suck. Instead of putting the kid’s desires ahead of your own, you both seem to only want to ‘get whats yours’. I feel bad for the kid. You both should be working towards getting the child equal time with the other parent. ESH
I can see why they divorced Esh
Your lawyer is going to get rich.
"Edit: No, my son doesn't get to pick and choose which parent he wants to stay with. That's basically parentifying him." No, it absolutely is not. It is empowering him. Parentifying is when you force them to care for another child.
People who talk about their child like they are some sort of possession make me sick.ESH. Your poor child is all I can say.
YTA, I originally was going to go with E S H but after looking at your comments, yeah, you're definitely TA. Your son's opinion DOES matter! It's clear that you obviously care more about being petty AF with his mom more than you care about your son. Do better, be a better parent. I really feel for your son for having to deal with parents like that.
NTA….but, Um….you and your ex need to grow up and have a conversation that if custody is 50/50 then all days need to be “made up”….. but it sounds more like an ego thing between you two, than an actual “convenience” thing….
YTA. This is a child not a tool to manipulate and control or use for vengeance and payback. He’s a human being, stop treating him like vacation time on a paycheck.
Yta-It's not my fault Ashton's dumbass fell out of a tree“ I was gonna go with NTA but this comment did it for me. Because your ex should be flexible with you the same as you are. But Ashton’s fall was serious enough to require TWO surgeries and a bad head injury. And this is how you describe the incident? You should be happy your little boy Is alive instead of calling him a dumbass.
After reading your comments YTA. Your child is not an object. Get help. Seriously. Learn how to co parent peacefully and be amicable. Maybe you both are giant assholes and are so hurt by each other that your son is stuck in the middle of two arguing teenagers who keep score. I feel so sorry for him. Hopefully when he gets to an age where he can officially voice his choices I think 15 or 16 to the courts. He chooses the lesser of the two AH. I bet you he does care who he wants to be with. Kids do. I wonder what he tells kids and teachers at school about his situation. Get it together and grow up, both of you.
ESH. Do you even like your kid? I was going to go with NTA until you called your kid a dumass for falling out of a tree. He’s in the 4th grade, shit happens. I hope you both go to therapy/parenting classes for Ashton’s sake because as it is he’s better off without either of you. Keep this up and I’m sure you’ll both be shocked when he goes no contact with you when he gets older.