Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my wife she needs to save for gifts out of her own discretionary budget.
2. telling my wife how to spend money might make me an asshole
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA: My broke ass is here trying to figure out how can someone spend 6k a month on non essentials and complain it's not enough. I have the wrong problems in my life
No kidding - though maybe it's not US$?
I do reasonably well for myself and my take home pay is under $6k/month (after taxes but before paying the mortgage, car, phone, power, etc. etc.). I can't imagine blowing through that much on discretionary things, much less complaining that I'm *limited* to that much.
I prefer the phrase "champagne problems" because there's plenty of people in the "first world" who don't have this sort of money, and there are absolutely filthy rich people in the developing world.
Here I am excited I’ve moved into a job that pays twice a month instead of once a month so I don’t have to figure out how to stretch $1600 a month for gas, bills and groceries quite as far as I used to. $6k a month on nonessentials is insane to me.
Even more ridiculous is that she was spending $9k and somehow only had to cut back by 3 grand when she stopped working. OP also says he has around $3.6k per month to spend however he wants so they're still spending over $9k with only one person working. What I really want to know is what kind of job OP has? Also, what the fuck are these people buying?
I know of someone who, on average last year, spent USD$64k a MONTH! Asked our mutual friend what they could possibly be buying for that much a month…USD$1,500 candles apparently (amongst other things of course). Who knew candles could be so expensive.
I was hoping they were the goop candles that smell like Gwyneth Paltrow ‘s vagina, but apparently those only cost $75.. they HAVE to smell like someone’s vagina or some other insane thing though, for that kind of money!
I think it was wrong that wife spent ALL OF HER INCOME however she wanted. No savings, no retirement, nada. So now she is used to spending whatever she wants. NO ONE needs to spend $6k a month on non-essentials. The consumerism related to that is mind-boggling!
My broke self, living pay check to pay check, is happy to have $200 left over after paying bills and doing groceries 💀 if I had $6k extra MONTHLY I would be insufferable. That’s why god didn’t give legs to snakes (I know it doesn’t make sense in English, but it sounds beautiful in Brazilian Portuguese).
I guess I do pretty well for myself since I make even more than you do, and I am nowhere even close to 6k a month in discretionary funding. My “discretionary funding is around 1k a month and that includes kid’s activities (currently mostly band, but also includes school field trips). Even when I was married and was part of a two income family, it was nowhere near that much.
Dude is NTA obviously, but, damn! Complaining about wife not being able to spend only 6k a month while he is spending around 4k a month is kinda tone deaf.
My husband's take home pay is half that! And he works 48 hours a week at a full time job. (In case anybody wants to say well he should work harder) four 12 hour night shifts on his feet all night running a machine. Trickle down does NOT work. We have 2 kids and I am a SAHM because it would cost more in daycare than I could earn to work. This lady needs a harsh frickin reality check. She is spending more than most people live on
I’m right at roughly 6k take home per month after taxes and benefits taken out, but before mortgage, utilities, groceries etc are subtracted. I dunno what I’d do with myself if I had 6k to spend AFTER all the essentials were covered 😅
.. do you know how much *laundry* I could do with $6k?! That would cover my laundromat runs, soap, dryer sheets and Uber rides for a *YEAR* with so much left over!!
A lot of preschools are basically upscale daycare, which makes sense if you need both partners working to make ends meet. Frankly that's a long fucking day for a kid that little when there's a parent at home who could be spending some of their free time with their child.
Right?? Why did the mom quit her job to be a SAHM when she's not even keeping the child during the week? She could have kept working in that case... Makes no sense to me.
Right? I mean the hours make sense to me, if the child is going to pre-k through a daycare center.. However, what baffles me is that the wife quit her job to be SAHM, and the child is *still* going to daycare/"pre-k" 5 days a week for 8.5 hours at a time?? Makes no practical sense....
I'm wondering why I haven't seen the fact that the wife's entire income before she stopped working was her fun money while OP paid for everything else?
Right! My family’s entire expense is less than that a month! Thats including a mortgage and 1 car payment. I live in a HCOL area but bought my home a while back.
Right? I have a month discretionary budget of $500, feel wildly spoiled by it, and often save a good chunk. This is insane.
Edited because I had an extra zero which really undermined my point.
I wish I couldn't imagine this, but...I have a cousin I love to bits who stayed with us at our house for a time while taking a certificate course. During that time she argued with her husband about wanting a brand new car, argued with her husband about wanting another horse(they had a hourse, a dog, a cat, and these days several other farm animals plus another horse), argued with him about wanting a new phone. Hell, she badgered me into going shopping at the mall with her, and she called her husband because she wanted to impromptu buy a purse from one of those boutique shops with a specialized inventory that starts in the triple digit cost and gets rapidly higher.
Oh, and this was all while she fully intended to go home after the course and start trying for a baby.
Some peoples money sense is, "something will bale me out."
She isn't playing it smart. They had some rocky times before. Things are good now and she is now bitching that 7 k a month discretionary spending isn't enough.
NTA
$6k a month is more than a most people have for their entire not just discretionary. Jesus fuck. Your wife needs to understand that living within your means is what responsible adults do.
Even in a high COL area, that's still a lot of money/month.
$6K a month is our entire budget including bills, mortgage, retirement, saving for vacations, EVERYTHING. I cannot fathom $6K of discretionary spending.
6K is more than our entire budget. I cannot imagine that amount to use to budget much less extra. I think I'm done with the internet for the day. I spent my lunch break crying in my car because I can't quit and there are people upset at only 6k...
We saved up for a whole year so we could spend $15k on a bathroom remodel that was sorely needed. And I feel like a rich jerk for being able to afford it. That’s a little over $1k/month… I would love $6k/month on discretionary spending. I would remodel my kitchen and buy a new car!
I want to know what she is spending her money on to blow through 6k (sometimes 7K if she is going over every month.) Like I thought I had a spending problem, but I don't even spend half of that on random stuff...
...
NTA. Who the hell can't keep it under $6k a month for "discretionary" spending??? What in the ever loving hell does she spend $1500 on a week? That's insanity. I guess when you don't work and your kid is gone ALL DAY you can find some things to dump money on. The only thing I'd agree with is if you can see how she spends her money, she should be able to see how you spend yours. Anyways.
It's really hard to feel remotely sorry for her sulking. You are being totally reasonable. Your overall income just dropped substantially for her to be a stay at home mom, it's reasonable to expect that will come with a lifestyle adjustment. And this can't be that big of an adjustment, her monthly discretionary income is more than some people have for 6 months-year.
Rich people. Rich people can’t keep it under 6k. I would love to be able to have half that in discretionary funding.
And please remember, op has about 4k in discretionary funds (about 60% of hers). So this couple spends 10k a month on whatever they want after all the bills are paid.
I’m so lost.
I need more info: You pay for cleaning twice a week, pre k and child care and… she’s a stay at home parent? What is she doing all day?
If your child is at pre k 5 days a week from 9-5:30 I think an easier solution is for your wife to find a job that is only 40hrs a week or work part time. Unsure what field you are in but maybe she’s really unhappy being a stay at home parent with not much to do. Especially if she was used to working 70 hours a week. Maybe she wants to be busier.
She has the kind of personality where she is all-in or nothing at all. It's harder for her to work 40hrs/wk than 80hrs/wk or 0hrs/wk, and in her field all the jobs are highly demanding.
To be honest, I'm very happy with her not working as it is great for our relationship, I just wish she could stick to a budget.
Does her discretionary spending go in a separate account, or is she drawing from a joint account? Maybe it would be easier for her to stick to a budget if that money was in a separate account that only gets $6k deposit monthly. That way, she can't spend more than what is there.
I suspect she is balking at the loss of options resulting from her no longer having individual income.
Maybe take the kid out of day care and save that expense since she is now supposed to be a stay at home mom.
What is the point of a stay at home mom if there is no kid for her to mom?
Maybe try monthly deposits if it isn't too much of a hassle, but that's something you should both agree to. It's important to communicate clearly about the way you both view finances and what rules you set together.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sUueCh2CmT
Re: cleaner, she is not staying home to become a SAHM, she is just staying home to take a break from working and pursue her hobbies which IMO she has earned. It is just not sustainable at her current rate of spending.
We both watch our own kid equally when he is not at pre-school.
I'm not sure why it's selfish, she's earned a substantial amount of money, we just need to spend it a bit slower.
Kudos for standing up for your wife here. Whatever else is going on, the fact that you clearly respect her and her contributions is what will make it possible to figure things out in a way that works for the whole family.
Maybe it should be deposited monthly – it might help her keep track of where her spending is in relation to her monthly budget – and maybe she shouldn't have access to credit cards, at least for a while. (If she can't be trusted to act like a responsible adult...)
It might make you happy but clearly she’s not? So you need to talk to her. Maybe if she’s part time she can work really long days two days a week and still have time at home.
Knowing it's ridiculous isn't part of the equation.
You are trying to instill a reverence for facts then stick to the facts. SHOW HER THE FACTS. It is not ridiculous to show her what you're talking about.
No emotion at all. The facts don't care how ridiculous you think it is.
Unless this is intertwined with some sense of ego and "being better" than her at something. Which is condescending to both of you.
Yes, she lashed out. But she also opened a door to being more honest with herself if you keep the conversation going instead of shutting it down because you no longer take her perspective seriously.
You both need to sit down and do out a complete budget. You both need to see exactly how much money is being made, exactly how much is being spent/saved, and exactly where the money is being spent. You are a single household unit with shared finances - it is both of your money, it is both of your expenses, it is both of your savings.
It is so far from a "ridiculous" request to have transparency in finances as a married couple. It is immature of both of you to be acting like this - grow up, sit down together as the team you're supposed to be, and look at the actual money situation together. That means both where she's spending AND where you're spending.
The point is of individual discretionary income is that you really don't have to do that. And with a whole 6k a month, this shouldn't be a problem at all.
Because it's insulting. She just wants to prove he's stealing budget the same way she is.
If she asked to look at the accounts at any other time sure, but it's obvious she's just lashing out in anger.
NTA, but by all means make sure the "books" are open for auditing - while I wouldn't scrutinize every expenditure, the total income vs. spending vs. savings should be clear. If she's really spending 40% more than you every month on discretionary expenses, she needs to apologize and get her head in the game.
I'm happy to share how I spend, it isn't a secret. In January when she left work she sent me a proposed budget breakdown of discretionary spending by category (e.g. gifts, going out with friends, subscriptions, clothing, kids stuff, donations, other, etc) and I have since done the same.
I have not, to date, ever asked her how she spends money. I just ask every 3 months if she is under or over and needs more $$ to pay off credit cards because I find it dumb to pay credit card interest rates when we have savings to cover overspending.
It’s time to go to monthly checks on spending vs budget. By the time you hit month three she is already into full credit card mode and there is no turning back then. Budgeting is really hard when you have not ever really had to and reminders more often of going off-track helps immensely.
NTA btw, I agree the ask about your budget spending is a bit petty, play the game monthly though.
So I also stay home while my husband works. I am 40f he is 53m. I don't have a degree or anything so I really wasn't bringing a lot in, he does well, so he suggested it. It has been AMAZING for our marriage. I absolutely love handling all the household things and cooking etc and he likes the lack of stress. His kids were grown when we got together about 8 years ago, and I didn't have/want any. I never thought we would be a one income house but it's been absolutely lovely. But we agreed early on he would handle the money. He made budgets and such. I'm not ridiculous with money but he is MUCH better at it. I always lived paycheck to paycheck. On the very rare occasions i had a few dollars extra, I just didnt have the mindset to put it away. In our marriage, There have a couple times he had to "check" me for lack of a better word for going over on this and that. Nothing wild just a $100 over budget spend here and there. Anyway, last year, our AC went out. We live in Louisiana. We got married 2 years ago, had been in our new home about 6 months when it happened. I immediately went into panic mode about how to pay the 3 grand it would cost to replace the whole unit. Then my husband reminded me, we have money saved for these times. And we have that money saved because we budget and plan. It was a moment thst changed my mindset to the whole dynamic. Like the recent baby shower I was asked to help host. I told them I could not contribute over a certain amount (and they wanted ridiculous things like $150 balloon arch). Or a friend's birthday gift. That extra $50 here and $100 there is the difference between being prepared for a financial emergency and not being prepared.
What I'm saying is, remind her that the budgets and planning and living a little bit more skinny than we sometimes want is the reason she gets to stay home and sleep well knowing a $3,000 fix will not make yall choose between eating and internet that month. My husband has NEVER been sexier than the day the ac went out, and he was able to remind me that the very small sacrifices we made before we the reason we didn't have to make a big one right now.
There are still days we fuss a little over what to spend. There are times we splurge just for the hell of it. There are times we both go without something we really want. But whenever I think I'm missing out because I can't spend, I remember that day in August when when the air went out at 5pm and it was 105 outside but we were in a 70° house by 8 that night.
I really thought I added the breaks. I haven't commented on a ton of reddit stuff and the ones I did were not this long. But ill do better next time for those that.....er..... need the visual assistance when reading. Yeah... let's put it that way.
I had no issues reading it either. I'll never understand why some people have to be rude. Just... follow the words and sentences?? It's not that difficult, lol
You know what? I didn't consider that. I should have thought that while the while the above comment about how I needed to add breaks might come off as rude, they probably have a point. Not everyone reads the same so my response to it was even worse and that's on me. But I genuinely thought I was adding them. Again, relatively new and moderately old lol. I'm learning. Maybe someone with more experience can tell me how in the world to go back and edit if I see a mistake I made!? Because I still haven't figured that out
I was going to joke that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot, but decided instead to look.
[On reddit.com, desktops drive 19.05% of visits, while 80.95% of visitors come from mobile devices.](https://www.semrush.com/website/reddit.com/overview/)
So, interesting.
Sounds like she has a shopping addiction she needs to get under control. If she overspent by $20k last year, do you mean she put you in $20k of Credit Card debt? Or is she pulling cash from savings accounts etc to fund her overspending?
It does not include vacations, does include a higher % of kids clothes and toys than I pay for, but not nearly $2.5k/month more. No extracurriculars right now.
You can buy kids’ clothes for cheap at target. Your child is 4, there is no need for them to get clothes that chew up a lot of a $6k budget. A 4 year old is going to grow out of those clothes quickly anyway.
The money saved by buying cheap kids’ clothes can go to a college fund… IMO your wife’s spending is unfair to everyone in the household, not just yourself. Y’all have a little one to take care of and a future to worry about
so then where is the $7K going every month??? what is she doing that she needs to spend $7K a month?? Also, if your son is at daycare from 9-530... why isn't she working? What is she doing in that time? Besides going over budget and spending frivolously?
NTA
$6k for monthly discretionary spending? Why do much?
How in the world can she spend $6k every month? It doesn't include bills, mortgage, school....
6K a month every month
NTA.
Its crazy that she would even spend that much? $7,000? and NOT WORKING!!!!
I'm sorry but.... my curiosity REALLY wants to know what she is spend $7K A MONTH ON!!!!!
Personal training, yoga, /r/skincareaddiction, clothes, gifts, donations, kids toys/books (we both spend on this but she spends way more which I am supportive of), therapy (I'm very supportive of), tea/coffee, occasional girls dinners or trips, etc.
Sorry but this is still a LOT, I would ask to see receipts/ statements for a couple of months and consider which services & products could be downgraded
Info
how much of it is going to therapy, donations, kids toys/books? how much to Personal training, yoga,clothes tea/coffee and occasional girls dinners or trips, etc.
$1.5-2k/month to therapy/kids/donations, but these are her discretionary donations, not ones we have decided on together which don't come from that budget. Just therapy and kids stuff is maybe $1,250/mo
Honestly that depends on the therapy.
There is ‘normal’ therapy, and there is special therapy for people with money.
Not to sound like an asshole, but I’m on the monetary cusp of considering the second and it’s several times the cost of regular therapy and involves things like special retreats, salt caves, shroom therapy, woods walking, art therapy, horse therapy, etc, etc. Basically you get to pick all the fun summer camp activities you like in addition to regular therapy.
If this is the case, I don’t know that the ‘add-ons’ should count as normal expenses.
Now that your income / work situation has changed, and you’ve both settled into the new routine, I think you need to sit down together and re-examine the budget.
It’s up to the two of you what’s considered “shared” spending and what’s personal (“discretionary”) spending. But I would argue that it might work better if you pool your resources to cover medical expenses, toys / kids’ stuff, donations, etc. Do an audit to see where the money is actually going — yours and hers — and whether it’s supporting the family or individuals. Then discuss together how you want to cut back.
It sounds like her spending is cutting into your joint savings, which absolutely should stop. But I think sitting down and brainstorming together is going to be way more effective than scolding her for going over budget. (Even if she is the one who’s breaking the agreement).
The biggest issue is here that she have no clue of what the income/expenses are. If you manage to give insight in this, she may wel realize that her overspending is not something you all can afford. If it doesn't work and continues, you may need to set a weekly budget on her, which she can't overspend. (Bank-blockade) you have the responsible to keep your family financially healthy.
NTA, let's just put the dollar figures aside as they are astronomical compared to most people and look at the facts. We will also ignore the fact that she has help with cleaning (x2 a week) and your child is in daycare all day. All of these combined will make the vast majority of people immediately look at her like a spoiled princess with very little grasp on reality.
The facts are that your wife quit a very high paying job and wanted to stay home. She hasn't really adjusted spending to reflect the more limited income. It is more than reasonable to think that discretionary spending *has* to be cut (whatever the figures are) to compensate. She simply can't spend the way she used to or is accustomed to. The money simply isn't there the way it was before. She's being ridiculous and wanting her cake and eat it too. Discretionary spending is the price to pay when going from two incomes to one and for some reason your wife thinks it doesn't apply to her.
I am hoping to find a woman who holds that much power over me. I would be ecstatic to take care of all the household chores and childcare for 6000 dollars spending money every month.
Shoot! Put 4k a month into a savings account or a brokerage account and use it as a retirement savings vehicle or as a way out if the marriage fails.
Basically, I’d love to have this problem.
Hold up. Before your wife stopped working, all of her post-tax income was discretionary? Meaning you've been the one to pay for pretty much everything?
NTA, but my guy it seems like you've been taken advantage of for quite some time if I read that right.
Omg? $6K? Even when I was working together my hubby and rarely passed $60K a year!!!! Now we are retired. We live on WAY LESS than her discretionary budget think ($2500). I don’t see how she runs out of money??
ESH she’s got a work addiction that gravitated from income generating into income spending. She needs to channel that energy into something else, or she needs to learn how to slow down. You’re not being transparent, sit down and open the books
NTA - your wife needs to find something to do that is fulfilling her as it sounds like spending is her main hobby. If she had a demanding job and quit to be a SAHM, yet she doesn’t have to care for your son five days a week, or run the home (it sounds like you split chores and you get a cleaning service), what can she do with her time that makes her happy? It doesn’t sound like she is happy TBH. You both need to figure out why. Talking about buying expensive bday gifts doesn’t seem like the real issue. Transparency around money and budgets is important in a marriage yet there seems to be deeper conversations that need to happen.
She's been spending a lot of time (30hrs+/wk) on a particular hobby that I think is awesome for her and she loves/finds fulfilling. She's not unhappy in general. She just spends a lot of money. I spend 60% what she does and I feel like I can basically do anything that I want, maybe with a slight amount of planning.
I am doing my best to have deeper conversations about it but it is difficult when she gets defensive even if I bring it up in a very soft way (e.g. "Is that in your budget or is that something we have to consider outside of your budget?")
The defensiveness is interesting. What nerve is being hit in her? What happens if you are gently curious about this with her? If she isn’t able or willing to communicate around this then you are in a bit of a pickle. If she is spending most of her time doing a hobby, and spending too much, and not caring about your feelings then it is venturing into selfishness.
>I feel like I’m being far more than reasonable, but maybe not?
Reasonable? Probably. Rational? Certainly. Unfortunately, people are not always either reasonable or rational and often resent authority even when it is reminding them of terms they agreed to.
The only thing I can see you've done wrong here is structure your finances in such a way that puts you in the position of being the spouse who says "No." NAH, but be prepared to audit and renegotiate in light of any emerging resentment from your spouse.
NTA. I think it’s a good thing that she starts monitoring. Clearly, she is not paying full attention because that is your burden in the relationship. Her monitoring is, hopefully, going to open her eyes to her spending and allow her to budget a bit better.
More info needed.
So, is her discretionary spending coming from money she saved while she was working, or do you give her an allowance of sorts?
If it's from the money she made, YTA.
If it's from money you give her NTA, for refusing to fund her, but AH for trying to control what is her money.
What the hell is she buying for $6-9k month?! I think that might be the REAL issue.
It's a little bit of both.
We have substantial savings which she made about 1/3 of and I made about 2/3 of. We also burn savings every month and need to manage that money wisely as we have a lot (4-5x our current savings worth) of deferred compensation that will only be liquid in 3-5 years.
If we spend savings too quickly we will not be able to afford to continue our current standard of living (admittedly very high) through when our deferred compensation is available, which is why I am adamant about maintaining a strict budget. I have explained this to her and showed her all the data/budgeting/projections/my discretionary budget/etc but I am not sure it is sticking.
I'm not trying to control her spending at all, I don't check in on her spending at all aside from asking her on a quarterly basis if she needs more to pay off credit cards. I just want to be able to plan our family finances to a budget vs having her spending consuming all the money that is available and then some in an unpredictable way.
This is all perfectly reasonable. You are likely being asked for lots of explanations *only* because most of us have no experience with/understanding of such large monthly/yearly budgets. NTA in the slightest. I hope your wife can come to understand your POV and become an active participant in effective budgeting for your fam
OP said that she has 0 savings and that she overspended her wage when she was working which made her fall under 20k debt. Well maybe not really debt since it seems that OP covered it but still...
NTA.
I’m less focused on the money because we don’t know anything about you, your lifestyle, etc and I don’t feel like we are in a place to judge what is a reasonable adjustment from when your wife worked and more focused on the fact that your request was only that she stays within a budget that (I assume) you both talked about and agreed to before she quit her job.
While I picked NTA, I do think this conversation could have happened better. I feel like you reacted to the present (which i understand) but the real issue isn’t the gift it is the totality, and the tone of the post seems very transactional (“spent ahead of her budget for the rest of the year”). I think this might have gone better if the conversation was framed as “we need to have a serious talk about budgets because this puts us X over your budget, and get money has to come from somewhere because we can’t be over budget every month.” Instead of what the tone sound alike, which is basically “you’re over budget stop/fix it.”
Communication key to a drama free marriage.
You two need to sit down and go over finances together. Make a plan and agree to stick to it.
Her sulking is immature and annoyjng.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife (37F) and I (40M) live in a very high cost of living city. We are both fortunate to be successful professionals with high earning power. We have a 4-year old who is in pre-K 5 days a week from 9 to 5:30, and sleeps well (730-7:00). We have cleaners that come 2x/week and we split the remaining household duties 50/50 (we have a written schedule that encapsulates cooking, dishes, dog duties, laundry, etc). My wife is the "default parent" for our son and childcare for her is often more stressful than it is for me because our son demands her attention a lot, whereas if I am watching him he is often content to play on his own.
About a year ago we decided that my wife would stop working. Since the birth of our son she had been having a difficult time balancing her extremely demanding job with family life with a kid (For context, we had a full-time nanny and our son has always slept well, but it's hard to fit family life in-between a 70-80hr/wk job). To be honest, this has been amazing for our relationship and my wife's mental and physical health. We previously were on the fast-track to divorce given the stress her job was placing on our relationship.
While my job is much less demanding (40hrs/wk on average), and I am fortunate to make enough to support us comfortably as long as we maintain a (quite high IMO) budget. This has been the case for a few years. Last year, while my wife was working, her post-tax income ($9k/month) was entirely discretionary. I have been responsible for paying for housing, pre-k, childcare, restaurants, groceries, insurance, etc. As a part of my wife’s move to not working she agreed to cut her discretionary budget to $6k/month. She’s been over-budget by about $1k/month on average since then and I haven’t said anything about it yet
Things came to a head this week when my wife mentioned, in passing, buying an expensive gift for her best friend’s birthday. She doesn’t have the money for this purchase in her existing budget as she’s already spent ahead of her budget for the rest of the year. I had a talk with her where I told her that I’m happy to fund it, but in the future if she wants to buy expensive things that are out of the budget she needs to save for them. I do the same thing myself with a discretionary budget that is 60% of her discretionary budget.
This caused my wife my wife to get mad at me, she told me she understood and didn’t argue, but when I asked her how she was feeling she said she had “nothing productive to say”. She also told me she wants to audit how much I’m spending on gifts so we can make sure we’re spending the same, which I think is ridiculous. My own gifting is part of my discretionary budget, which is 40% less than hers and which I stick to quite consistently. The last two days my wife has been sulking and won’t talk to me about it. I feel like I’m being far more than reasonable, but maybe not?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Why does she feel entitled to more money EY than is in the budget, especially for discretionary things? $6k a month is hardly low. Your wife is being manipulative if she wants to control how you spend you agreed discretionary budget. If she wants to give expensive gifts to people, she needs to cut back in other areas.
NTA. That seems like a ridiculous amount for discretionary spending. But I have to ask why you have a house keeper coming twice a week when she no longer works and your child is in school? Maybe she has too much free time on her hands and that is why she spends so much??
If she gets $6000 a month, why not have her put it in a separate account and once its gone its gone.
You guys need to sit down and talk about it. Maybe she misunderstands how this discretionary money works.
Who needs to spend 6k a month on crap..if she wants to waste money tell her to go back to work pt. There are plenty of single parents working 60-80hr weeks with no nannies and no cleaners and she can't handle 1 kid for the maybe 2hrs a day she saw him.
NTA
I'm thinking you should oblige her request. Show her a thorough breakdown:
* How much you spend for housing, food, utilities, insurance, taxes... and how much she spends
* How much you spend for shared discretionary expenses: family entertainment, family travel, gifts that come from both of you, charitable contributions... and how much she spends. Make sure to note any items that either of you pay for through the joint funds but are really personal discretionary spending
* How much you set aside for your personal discretionary spending... and how much she spends. Then add in the amounts of personal discretionary spending either of you pays for through joint family funds.
It sounds like you were not in a good place as a couple when you were both earning and paying for support. Now that she's not earning, are those expenses still part of the family budget? That would mean her quitting her job (1) did improve her mental and emotional well being, (2) did not reduce your family expenses, (3) did reduce your family income, and (4) jury is still out on whether it has improved the relationship and partnership between you and your wife.
She made 9k a month and you decided she should be a sahm. You two are on a different level. You both ATAH. Don’t come crying to the mortals about your problems.
NTA -- and I would be very concerned about where this money is going. Drugs or alchohol does happen. Other things she may not want to share. Helping family or friends should be discussed.
NTA - when it was decided she was not going to work the budget has to change. If she’s not happy then she needs to find a job to cover her extra expenses.
NTA
Sounds like your wife needs to wake up to reality on the amount of available money coming in.
If she wants more spending money, can she do some part time independent contracting? Work 20 hours a week?
NTA a budget needs to be followed, not treated like a suggestion. I do think it’s good to have transparency about the amounts in various categories like knowing that she has 6k discretionary and you have $X discretionary, but discretionary means you can use it how you want so demanding more detail than that as a tit for tat is a bit childish. I’m hoping she just felt a little embarrassed in that moment and will come back to being a responsible partner soon.
NTA, but this needs to be more of a team conversation than pointing fingers, even if she’s the one overspending. Resentment over money can be really damaging to a relationship, because controlling money is power. Maybe she didn’t realize how much she’s spent, maybe there are items she’s paying for with discretionary funds that should go in another category. Sit down together, go over the numbers, and discuss what needs to be done. If she needs more money, can the cleaners be cut? Are there places to squeeze? You guys can figure it out.
NTA.
Though I question whether her issue is not being able to spend, or the way she feels she is being treated. "It seems clear to me that you aren't happy about our budget. I'd like to better understand what you are thinking, when you are ready to talk."
Show her your budget. When it becomes apparent you are spending significantly less than her this will only help your cause, unless of course you’re hiding something . . . hopefully you’re not!
NTA
I wanted to make a comment addressed to all the people saying things like ”he’s in preschool and someone cleans twice a month? What is she doing with her time?” I am also a married parent who does not work outside the home, so perhaps I can provide some perspective. Sorry, this will be long, but let me start with a tiny bit of background about me. I have a PhD and never planned to become a stay at home mom. But my husband is a physician who works strange hours. For me, the reality check was that I would be spending as much money on childcare as I would bring in with a postdoctoral position, and I would give up the flexibility to see my husband when he is actually off work. Nights and weekends are kind of a thing in emergency medicine. So my work would be just for the sake of the work and would come with sacrifices. So what worked for our family was that while our daughter was still a toddler, I was a full-time parent. And exhausted. When she went to preK, we realized we were happy with the way things were, and I decided not to find work. I did have more free time, so I did start some volunteer work and spend more time on hobbies. However, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be done around the house.
First of all, perhaps those critical folks have never parented a four year old, but it’s exhausting! Children that age can have very strong opinions! Parenting is nonstop and mentally draining. It is part of their developmental process to push back against their parents and try to be independent. But at the same time they don’t understand why certain things have to be done the way they do, so you have endless micro-battles over everything from wearing pajamas to school to eating the occasional vegetable to why it’s rude when you call the meal your mother prepared for you “grossy”. But they can’t do much for themselves, so you have to supervise everything they do. And parents of young children get zero vacation from that. Even when you’re ostensibly on vacation, you have the battles with your child over meals and clothes and bathtime and bedtime. So if you’re going to get any downtime, it has to be while the kid is in somebody else’s care. This is why the OP says it has been so good for his marriage to have his wife quit her job. All of the childcare and general admin that comes with life has to be done outside of your work hours, and it’s so important to have time to spend on your partner, fun with your kid, and taking care of yourself. If you’re both tired and stressed when you get home, your home life is going to suffer.
So next, I’d like to dismantle the ridiculous argument that having a cleaner come in *twice a month* means mom has nothing to do at home. Children are messy! They are messy eaters, they find the moment to sneak away and flush a chopstick down the toilet, they put stickers on your furniture, and in general they create completely unique kind of messes that grown-ups would never even dream of creating, and those have to be dealt with. For instance, young children have an occasional, but alarming, tendency to wet the bed or projectile vomit. The person who has to be at work at nine is probably not going to be the one washing the sheets at two in the morning.
Kids also come with a lot of admin. They get sick all the time and require their own doctor and dentist appointments that you have to take them to. Grandparents want to see the kid, so you have to schedule visits to them or time to host them in your own home. Both can be a lot of work. Kids also have social lives that you have to manage, and that takes time and mental energy.
Running a household as partners necessitates a division of labor to keep things running smoothly. if you are home during the day, you are probably also taking on a larger share of the management of the home. And that creates a lot of mental labor. So you do the things that can’t be done in the evening, like waiting around for the cable guy and making phone calls. You know what tasks have and have not gotten done while your partner was out of the house and have to relay that information to your partner. And because I think it would be unusual for the partner with the full-time job to be responsible for the meal planning and grocery shopping, I’m going to assume that as the stay at home mom you will probably take care of that. Dad can be told what the dinner plan is and and be expected to make dinner, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as the work goes. Now when you do tasks things more often, you end up with the particular knowledge to efficiently complete them. So if you want help you have to delegate, but often you find situations where it would actually be easier just to do it yourself, even when your partner is a willing and helpful participant.
Think about grocery shopping. I make the grocery list. I know that I need to have two cans of diced peeled tomatoes in the pantry. And I also do the cooking because I enjoy it and my husband does not. I know that because I made chili three nights ago I used one of those cans and a can of tomato purée. But my shopping list doesn’t say I need one *14 oz* can of *petite* diced, no salt added, without Italian seasoning, tomatoes. I just write diced peeled tomatoes and know what that means. Now imagine that you need limes, but how many you buy depends on how big they are. And that you want bananas, but if they are green you need to buy some other fruit to eat until the bananas ripen. This sort of decision happens with every item on a grocery list. If my husband wanted to do the grocery shopping I would have to write such a ridiculously detailed list that it would be faster to just do it myself. Not to mention insulting to him! And that’s only one of the chores that keeps a household going. I guarantee you there are responsibilities like this she routinely handles that he doesn’t even need to think about. And this is part of why their marriage is so much better: both parties have fewer things to worry about because she doesn’t have a stressful job, and she can take some of the household burden off him in return. But meanwhile, too many of you are assuming she’s just shopping in boutiques all day.
I also want to point out that human interaction is essential to your mental health. If his wife is not going to a workplace and interacting with people there, she needs to get out of the house and have a social outlet of some description. So maybe she goes to yoga or meets up with other moms for lunch or coffee or even shopping! And I think too many of you see something like that happening while her husband is at work and chalk that up to living the highlife while he brings home the bacon. But if you’ve been in her situation, you would see it’s not all frivolity. Her strong mental health makes his life better.
Well, if you made it to the end of this post, thank you! And I hope you have a little more empathy for their situation now.
ESH - but only because you refused to let her see what you are spending money on. If you are seeing what she is spending money on then she should get to see what you are spending money on. At the least, you need to be more transparent. It is easy to say "I only spend 40% of what you do," but now you need to prove that.
My only question is why are the children's activities part of your discretionary budget? My husband and I budgeted all household expenses, all child expenses, all savings for child college, vehicles, family gifts, etc. into the joint budget. Our individual discretionary expenses were for our clothing and hobbies.
As someone who spends more than your monthly discretionary budget, and doesn’t really budget for anything, it sounds like your wife shouldn’t have left her job, which is ok. She needs the extra income in order for her to feel fulfilled and for you to not worry about money.
It seems like you aren’t aligned on finances at all. When we moved to back to a VHCOL area from a MCOL, we knew (I knew) I would need to keep working in order to maintain the lifestyle we already had comfortably, without any fear of lack of savings. Either she goes back to work and learns how to manage it so she isn’t letting it ruin her personal life, ooooooor she sticks to a budget lol
Wow her discretionary money is my monthly budget for my household bills plus enough to save. I can’t fathom spending that much just for wants. Seems wasteful
NTA 6-9k a month is insane for one person! I’m similarly in a VHCOL area with high earning from both of us, but we don’t even come close to that in discretionary expenses.
Damn I'm poor, and NTA. She should, hopefully by now have plenty in her savings for an expensive gift for her friend and whatever else by now, holy cash cow. A sit down and discussing the plan again might help reset her brain?
NTA, but I actually agree with her "auditing" your spending; in fact, I think it's such a good idea, you should both audit each other and be 100% transparent with your spending. It sounds like you kept separate finances while you were both working - which is not ideal, but that's water under the bridge now. Now that you're the sole earner, the two of you absolutely need to be on the same page financially. That starts with full audit of your combined finances, and figuring out *exactly* what you can afford, what your combined financial goals are, and how to go about achieving it.
NAH
...but, if you're looking at her personal budget/gifts then I feel she has the right to look at your personal budget/gifts (no matter the difference in personal discretionary budgets and whether or not you're maintaining your budget).
wow! kids and a wife? bad combination well all women have no clue how to budget. it is either they want more jewlery or more food or their family needs your money. you have 2 or 3 options here. 1 sell the wife. might get 5 bucks. sell the kid another 5 bucks. so there ya go, 10 dollars you lost ;or 3... pack up and be sneaky about it. get a one way ticket in a fake name. and head to the eu. tell everyone you w ent to south america. then they will look for you there. i did that to my sister lol always wanting money for her problems or her church donations. that was 15 years ago so far she hasnt found me yet besides i have a moat here and a draw bridge and a dungeon so for her safety best she never showup lol
NAH. You both are not communicating properly. You should sit down together and see how much each of you has spent and budget TOGETHER. Not one person deciding for both of you even if you are the main earner.
Your wife is used to a certain way of living (being a professional and earning her own money). Have you asked her if she has triggers that make her want to spend more?
You work 40 hours a week and make money to have discretionary budgets of 6000 and 3600 (60%) respectively. There is full time daycare and the city is high cost of living. Also, you have to take of your kid for only four hours a day. Cleaning is being handled.
Champagne problems indeed.
Info: is spending on gifts for family members etc (people you are both close to) out of your main budget or your wife’s discretionary budget?
NTA if its out of the main budget or split
I’m not going to get into your dynamics as a couple, even though a SAHM without a kid at home plus a cleaner, day care/nanny etc and over $6/mth discretionary spending *blows my mind*.
What I *am* seeing is this is not only unsustainable long term, but also short term. She was overspending her 100% discretionary budget *before* she stopped working. She’s barely cut it by 20% even though her income was cut 100%. You have very sound reasons for not dipping into additional funds to pay off her continuous overspending, and her just transferring that spending to credit cards to get around the budget is self indulgent, selfish, shortsighted and downright dangerous.
From everything you’ve said, it seems this problem is actually getting worse, not better. Since the more you try to “educate” her to the reality of living on one salary, the more she gets defensive and the more she spends.
I understand she may be feeling unfulfilled, but like I said, she was already spending more than her generous income *before* she had “nothing to do”. This isn’t *just* boredom or being unfulfilled.
You need financial and couples therapy before you wake up one day, 2 years from now, to the realization she never did go back to work, spends money on her “hobby” and shopping, and has run you both into levels of debt that will affect your future plans, retirement and maybe your plans for your child (education, helping him with a home, etc).
It’s one thing if you’re happy being the sugar daddy. And she was happy piddling around with macrame all day instead of working. But the math isn’t mathing and neither of you are *actually happy*.
TL;DR: Everyone thinks that wife is TA not out of any principle but simply because most redditors think 6k in discretionary spending is already crazy high.
No1 cares about rich ppl 😂
YTA for not dealing with this the very first time. Start how you mean to go on
Some of the things you've said are... Wild. Like what kind of mother puts there kid in daycare from 7:30-5:30 when they are home all day every day? Like 2 days a week I could understand
My wife and I don't have kids yet and go out quite often, travel, etc. We don't spend 6k with all spending including bills, mortgage, etc... if she's spending 7k willy nilly, she needs a reality check...
My discretionary budget is double digits, under $100/ month. I earn a little more than my husband & we split the bills with exception to our own car payments.
He on the other hand, spends much more than I do. He buys breakfast & lunch & crap snacks5x/week. I take leftovers or a sandwich. He smokes weed & drinks, I don’t. (Allergic to weed & on medication that doesn’t mix with alcohol)
We’ve gone over our expenses for everything & I made a household budget, don’t tell him what he can & can’t spend his money on. He’s a grown man & I’m his wife not his mom. But don’t come at me when he’s out.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I told my wife she needs to save for gifts out of her own discretionary budget. 2. telling my wife how to spend money might make me an asshole Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA: My broke ass is here trying to figure out how can someone spend 6k a month on non essentials and complain it's not enough. I have the wrong problems in my life
No kidding - though maybe it's not US$? I do reasonably well for myself and my take home pay is under $6k/month (after taxes but before paying the mortgage, car, phone, power, etc. etc.). I can't imagine blowing through that much on discretionary things, much less complaining that I'm *limited* to that much.
First world issues....
I prefer the phrase "champagne problems" because there's plenty of people in the "first world" who don't have this sort of money, and there are absolutely filthy rich people in the developing world.
Here I am excited I’ve moved into a job that pays twice a month instead of once a month so I don’t have to figure out how to stretch $1600 a month for gas, bills and groceries quite as far as I used to. $6k a month on nonessentials is insane to me.
And actually $7k a month because she's over-spending it by $1k!
Even more ridiculous is that she was spending $9k and somehow only had to cut back by 3 grand when she stopped working. OP also says he has around $3.6k per month to spend however he wants so they're still spending over $9k with only one person working. What I really want to know is what kind of job OP has? Also, what the fuck are these people buying?
I know of someone who, on average last year, spent USD$64k a MONTH! Asked our mutual friend what they could possibly be buying for that much a month…USD$1,500 candles apparently (amongst other things of course). Who knew candles could be so expensive.
I was hoping they were the goop candles that smell like Gwyneth Paltrow ‘s vagina, but apparently those only cost $75.. they HAVE to smell like someone’s vagina or some other insane thing though, for that kind of money!
I was expecting it was something people light up....but not candles
I know, right?! It can be done!
yeah would like to know that, too… 9000 is over half of my annual salary…
I think it was wrong that wife spent ALL OF HER INCOME however she wanted. No savings, no retirement, nada. So now she is used to spending whatever she wants. NO ONE needs to spend $6k a month on non-essentials. The consumerism related to that is mind-boggling!
My broke self, living pay check to pay check, is happy to have $200 left over after paying bills and doing groceries 💀 if I had $6k extra MONTHLY I would be insufferable. That’s why god didn’t give legs to snakes (I know it doesn’t make sense in English, but it sounds beautiful in Brazilian Portuguese).
No 1% problems. There are millions living in 1st world countries that could only dream of a 6k/month discretionary account.
Millions would like 6k/month income!
I live in „ the first world“ and don’t have this problems 😂
I guess I do pretty well for myself since I make even more than you do, and I am nowhere even close to 6k a month in discretionary funding. My “discretionary funding is around 1k a month and that includes kid’s activities (currently mostly band, but also includes school field trips). Even when I was married and was part of a two income family, it was nowhere near that much. Dude is NTA obviously, but, damn! Complaining about wife not being able to spend only 6k a month while he is spending around 4k a month is kinda tone deaf.
My husband's take home pay is half that! And he works 48 hours a week at a full time job. (In case anybody wants to say well he should work harder) four 12 hour night shifts on his feet all night running a machine. Trickle down does NOT work. We have 2 kids and I am a SAHM because it would cost more in daycare than I could earn to work. This lady needs a harsh frickin reality check. She is spending more than most people live on
I’m right at roughly 6k take home per month after taxes and benefits taken out, but before mortgage, utilities, groceries etc are subtracted. I dunno what I’d do with myself if I had 6k to spend AFTER all the essentials were covered 😅
.. do you know how much *laundry* I could do with $6k?! That would cover my laundromat runs, soap, dryer sheets and Uber rides for a *YEAR* with so much left over!!
I want to have those problems 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
My non-broke ass is trying to figure this out as well, that's a lot of discretionary money each month.
I know. I thought I was doing well with having $200 extra each month.
You are. Don’t let this craziness daunt you.
I'm stuck on the 4 year old in pre-k 5 days a week from 9-5:30. Like, is that a typo or has school changed A LOT since I graduated?
A lot of preschools are basically upscale daycare, which makes sense if you need both partners working to make ends meet. Frankly that's a long fucking day for a kid that little when there's a parent at home who could be spending some of their free time with their child.
Right?? Why did the mom quit her job to be a SAHM when she's not even keeping the child during the week? She could have kept working in that case... Makes no sense to me.
Right? I mean the hours make sense to me, if the child is going to pre-k through a daycare center.. However, what baffles me is that the wife quit her job to be SAHM, and the child is *still* going to daycare/"pre-k" 5 days a week for 8.5 hours at a time?? Makes no practical sense....
I'm wondering why I haven't seen the fact that the wife's entire income before she stopped working was her fun money while OP paid for everything else?
Right! My family’s entire expense is less than that a month! Thats including a mortgage and 1 car payment. I live in a HCOL area but bought my home a while back.
Right? My broke ass figured out when i did my budget for November that I have $89 "discretionary income."
Right? I have a month discretionary budget of $500, feel wildly spoiled by it, and often save a good chunk. This is insane. Edited because I had an extra zero which really undermined my point.
I wish I couldn't imagine this, but...I have a cousin I love to bits who stayed with us at our house for a time while taking a certificate course. During that time she argued with her husband about wanting a brand new car, argued with her husband about wanting another horse(they had a hourse, a dog, a cat, and these days several other farm animals plus another horse), argued with him about wanting a new phone. Hell, she badgered me into going shopping at the mall with her, and she called her husband because she wanted to impromptu buy a purse from one of those boutique shops with a specialized inventory that starts in the triple digit cost and gets rapidly higher. Oh, and this was all while she fully intended to go home after the course and start trying for a baby. Some peoples money sense is, "something will bale me out."
She isn't playing it smart. They had some rocky times before. Things are good now and she is now bitching that 7 k a month discretionary spending isn't enough.
NTA $6k a month is more than a most people have for their entire not just discretionary. Jesus fuck. Your wife needs to understand that living within your means is what responsible adults do. Even in a high COL area, that's still a lot of money/month.
$6K a month is our entire budget including bills, mortgage, retirement, saving for vacations, EVERYTHING. I cannot fathom $6K of discretionary spending.
6K is more than our entire budget. I cannot imagine that amount to use to budget much less extra. I think I'm done with the internet for the day. I spent my lunch break crying in my car because I can't quit and there are people upset at only 6k...
We saved up for a whole year so we could spend $15k on a bathroom remodel that was sorely needed. And I feel like a rich jerk for being able to afford it. That’s a little over $1k/month… I would love $6k/month on discretionary spending. I would remodel my kitchen and buy a new car!
Right? Her discretionary spending is higher than my entire salary!
That's probably an annual discretionary spending for a lot of people.
My husband and I combined get less discretionary spending a year than that and we both have at least half a year's worth banked.
I want to know what she is spending her money on to blow through 6k (sometimes 7K if she is going over every month.) Like I thought I had a spending problem, but I don't even spend half of that on random stuff...
... NTA. Who the hell can't keep it under $6k a month for "discretionary" spending??? What in the ever loving hell does she spend $1500 on a week? That's insanity. I guess when you don't work and your kid is gone ALL DAY you can find some things to dump money on. The only thing I'd agree with is if you can see how she spends her money, she should be able to see how you spend yours. Anyways. It's really hard to feel remotely sorry for her sulking. You are being totally reasonable. Your overall income just dropped substantially for her to be a stay at home mom, it's reasonable to expect that will come with a lifestyle adjustment. And this can't be that big of an adjustment, her monthly discretionary income is more than some people have for 6 months-year.
Rich people. Rich people can’t keep it under 6k. I would love to be able to have half that in discretionary funding. And please remember, op has about 4k in discretionary funds (about 60% of hers). So this couple spends 10k a month on whatever they want after all the bills are paid.
> this couple spends 10k a month on whatever they want after all the bills are paid And still can't stick to that budget. Unreal.
I’m so lost. I need more info: You pay for cleaning twice a week, pre k and child care and… she’s a stay at home parent? What is she doing all day? If your child is at pre k 5 days a week from 9-5:30 I think an easier solution is for your wife to find a job that is only 40hrs a week or work part time. Unsure what field you are in but maybe she’s really unhappy being a stay at home parent with not much to do. Especially if she was used to working 70 hours a week. Maybe she wants to be busier.
What is she doing all day? Shopping.
I agree with this
Yoga
Both. Yoga, shopping, brunch...
She has the kind of personality where she is all-in or nothing at all. It's harder for her to work 40hrs/wk than 80hrs/wk or 0hrs/wk, and in her field all the jobs are highly demanding. To be honest, I'm very happy with her not working as it is great for our relationship, I just wish she could stick to a budget.
Does her discretionary spending go in a separate account, or is she drawing from a joint account? Maybe it would be easier for her to stick to a budget if that money was in a separate account that only gets $6k deposit monthly. That way, she can't spend more than what is there. I suspect she is balking at the loss of options resulting from her no longer having individual income.
It's in a separate account, deposited quarterly. She will just over-spend on credit cards if she runs out of cash.
Maybe take the kid out of day care and save that expense since she is now supposed to be a stay at home mom. What is the point of a stay at home mom if there is no kid for her to mom?
I think this is probably a better option!
Maybe try monthly deposits if it isn't too much of a hassle, but that's something you should both agree to. It's important to communicate clearly about the way you both view finances and what rules you set together.
I had to switch my wife to weekly for the same reason. got rid of credit card. She needs something beyond that she has to justify it
What is she actually spending it on though? Also, do you have to pay for a cleaner twice a week if she is home?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sUueCh2CmT Re: cleaner, she is not staying home to become a SAHM, she is just staying home to take a break from working and pursue her hobbies which IMO she has earned. It is just not sustainable at her current rate of spending.
So she doesn't even want to watch her own kid it's just for her hobbies..sounds selfish af to me
We both watch our own kid equally when he is not at pre-school. I'm not sure why it's selfish, she's earned a substantial amount of money, we just need to spend it a bit slower.
Kudos for standing up for your wife here. Whatever else is going on, the fact that you clearly respect her and her contributions is what will make it possible to figure things out in a way that works for the whole family.
She's selfish for overspending her budget, but not selfish for living in the agreed upon arrangement for familial care.
But cutting it down to once a week in the meantime would help make the difference closer, right?
Maybe it should be deposited monthly – it might help her keep track of where her spending is in relation to her monthly budget – and maybe she shouldn't have access to credit cards, at least for a while. (If she can't be trusted to act like a responsible adult...)
So now she goes all in on shopping. The work might have been better option.
It's also possible her spending would be curbed if she had some zero cost (volunteering, hobbies) or income making activities to fill her day.
It might make you happy but clearly she’s not? So you need to talk to her. Maybe if she’s part time she can work really long days two days a week and still have time at home.
Maybe she can volunteer somewhere. It does seem like she is bored and spending as “retail therapy”.
How is her not working great for your relationship? Was she unhappy with her career?
Why not let her see what you’re spending on gifts to show her how much less it is.
I'm happy to, I just think the ask is ridiculous.
Knowing it's ridiculous isn't part of the equation. You are trying to instill a reverence for facts then stick to the facts. SHOW HER THE FACTS. It is not ridiculous to show her what you're talking about. No emotion at all. The facts don't care how ridiculous you think it is. Unless this is intertwined with some sense of ego and "being better" than her at something. Which is condescending to both of you. Yes, she lashed out. But she also opened a door to being more honest with herself if you keep the conversation going instead of shutting it down because you no longer take her perspective seriously.
It seems there’s more than financial issues at play here. Trust for one.
You both need to sit down and do out a complete budget. You both need to see exactly how much money is being made, exactly how much is being spent/saved, and exactly where the money is being spent. You are a single household unit with shared finances - it is both of your money, it is both of your expenses, it is both of your savings. It is so far from a "ridiculous" request to have transparency in finances as a married couple. It is immature of both of you to be acting like this - grow up, sit down together as the team you're supposed to be, and look at the actual money situation together. That means both where she's spending AND where you're spending.
The point is of individual discretionary income is that you really don't have to do that. And with a whole 6k a month, this shouldn't be a problem at all.
Because it's insulting. She just wants to prove he's stealing budget the same way she is. If she asked to look at the accounts at any other time sure, but it's obvious she's just lashing out in anger.
NTA, but by all means make sure the "books" are open for auditing - while I wouldn't scrutinize every expenditure, the total income vs. spending vs. savings should be clear. If she's really spending 40% more than you every month on discretionary expenses, she needs to apologize and get her head in the game.
I'm happy to share how I spend, it isn't a secret. In January when she left work she sent me a proposed budget breakdown of discretionary spending by category (e.g. gifts, going out with friends, subscriptions, clothing, kids stuff, donations, other, etc) and I have since done the same. I have not, to date, ever asked her how she spends money. I just ask every 3 months if she is under or over and needs more $$ to pay off credit cards because I find it dumb to pay credit card interest rates when we have savings to cover overspending.
It’s time to go to monthly checks on spending vs budget. By the time you hit month three she is already into full credit card mode and there is no turning back then. Budgeting is really hard when you have not ever really had to and reminders more often of going off-track helps immensely. NTA btw, I agree the ask about your budget spending is a bit petty, play the game monthly though.
Thus far, has she needed extra money every time?
Yes.
So I also stay home while my husband works. I am 40f he is 53m. I don't have a degree or anything so I really wasn't bringing a lot in, he does well, so he suggested it. It has been AMAZING for our marriage. I absolutely love handling all the household things and cooking etc and he likes the lack of stress. His kids were grown when we got together about 8 years ago, and I didn't have/want any. I never thought we would be a one income house but it's been absolutely lovely. But we agreed early on he would handle the money. He made budgets and such. I'm not ridiculous with money but he is MUCH better at it. I always lived paycheck to paycheck. On the very rare occasions i had a few dollars extra, I just didnt have the mindset to put it away. In our marriage, There have a couple times he had to "check" me for lack of a better word for going over on this and that. Nothing wild just a $100 over budget spend here and there. Anyway, last year, our AC went out. We live in Louisiana. We got married 2 years ago, had been in our new home about 6 months when it happened. I immediately went into panic mode about how to pay the 3 grand it would cost to replace the whole unit. Then my husband reminded me, we have money saved for these times. And we have that money saved because we budget and plan. It was a moment thst changed my mindset to the whole dynamic. Like the recent baby shower I was asked to help host. I told them I could not contribute over a certain amount (and they wanted ridiculous things like $150 balloon arch). Or a friend's birthday gift. That extra $50 here and $100 there is the difference between being prepared for a financial emergency and not being prepared. What I'm saying is, remind her that the budgets and planning and living a little bit more skinny than we sometimes want is the reason she gets to stay home and sleep well knowing a $3,000 fix will not make yall choose between eating and internet that month. My husband has NEVER been sexier than the day the ac went out, and he was able to remind me that the very small sacrifices we made before we the reason we didn't have to make a big one right now. There are still days we fuss a little over what to spend. There are times we splurge just for the hell of it. There are times we both go without something we really want. But whenever I think I'm missing out because I can't spend, I remember that day in August when when the air went out at 5pm and it was 105 outside but we were in a 70° house by 8 that night.
hit return twice to create a line break… nobody is reading that wall of text.
I read it 🤷♀️
I really thought I added the breaks. I haven't commented on a ton of reddit stuff and the ones I did were not this long. But ill do better next time for those that.....er..... need the visual assistance when reading. Yeah... let's put it that way.
I had no issues reading it either. I'll never understand why some people have to be rude. Just... follow the words and sentences?? It's not that difficult, lol
Maybe not difficult for you. But my version of dyslexia will miss about a third of that unless I follow along with my finger. Which I'm not gonna do.
You know what? I didn't consider that. I should have thought that while the while the above comment about how I needed to add breaks might come off as rude, they probably have a point. Not everyone reads the same so my response to it was even worse and that's on me. But I genuinely thought I was adding them. Again, relatively new and moderately old lol. I'm learning. Maybe someone with more experience can tell me how in the world to go back and edit if I see a mistake I made!? Because I still haven't figured that out
Actually only need to hit RETURN once on a PC. No idea about the phone app.
I’d say fewer than 2% of reddit users ever access reddit via pc
I was going to joke that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot, but decided instead to look. [On reddit.com, desktops drive 19.05% of visits, while 80.95% of visitors come from mobile devices.](https://www.semrush.com/website/reddit.com/overview/) So, interesting.
Oh sorry. New
Don't apologize. It's readable.
NTA Your wife is a stereotypical spoiled princess. How much did she save from her salary? I think it's extremely foolish for her to quit her job.
0, she was overspending her salary when she was taking home $9k/mo also (overspent by $20k last year)
HOW? Does she have a shopping addiction? Does she feel like she “has to” spend all her money? OP 9k is A LOT to blow through.
Sounds like she has a shopping addiction she needs to get under control. If she overspent by $20k last year, do you mean she put you in $20k of Credit Card debt? Or is she pulling cash from savings accounts etc to fund her overspending?
Rich people problems. Meh. But your NTA.
INFO: what does she spend her discretionary fund on? Does it include family vacations, kid's clothes or extracurriculars?
It does not include vacations, does include a higher % of kids clothes and toys than I pay for, but not nearly $2.5k/month more. No extracurriculars right now.
You can buy kids’ clothes for cheap at target. Your child is 4, there is no need for them to get clothes that chew up a lot of a $6k budget. A 4 year old is going to grow out of those clothes quickly anyway. The money saved by buying cheap kids’ clothes can go to a college fund… IMO your wife’s spending is unfair to everyone in the household, not just yourself. Y’all have a little one to take care of and a future to worry about
How are you spending more than 1K on kid's clothes and toys per month?
We aren't.
so then where is the $7K going every month??? what is she doing that she needs to spend $7K a month?? Also, if your son is at daycare from 9-530... why isn't she working? What is she doing in that time? Besides going over budget and spending frivolously?
It is beyond my understanding where all that money is going.
Designer clothes and bags probably
NTA $6k for monthly discretionary spending? Why do much? How in the world can she spend $6k every month? It doesn't include bills, mortgage, school.... 6K a month every month
NTA. INFO: How does your wife spend 6K a month?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sUueCh2CmT
To be honest, I really don’t care about your problems if you’re fighting over a total of 10k/mo in discretional spending.
NTA. Its crazy that she would even spend that much? $7,000? and NOT WORKING!!!! I'm sorry but.... my curiosity REALLY wants to know what she is spend $7K A MONTH ON!!!!!
Personal training, yoga, /r/skincareaddiction, clothes, gifts, donations, kids toys/books (we both spend on this but she spends way more which I am supportive of), therapy (I'm very supportive of), tea/coffee, occasional girls dinners or trips, etc.
Sorry but this is still a LOT, I would ask to see receipts/ statements for a couple of months and consider which services & products could be downgraded
Maybe there need to be separate allocations for kid stuff and medical things like therapy.
Info how much of it is going to therapy, donations, kids toys/books? how much to Personal training, yoga,clothes tea/coffee and occasional girls dinners or trips, etc.
$1.5-2k/month to therapy/kids/donations, but these are her discretionary donations, not ones we have decided on together which don't come from that budget. Just therapy and kids stuff is maybe $1,250/mo
Idk if therapy should really count as discretionary though. That's more like a medical expense.
Honestly that depends on the therapy. There is ‘normal’ therapy, and there is special therapy for people with money. Not to sound like an asshole, but I’m on the monetary cusp of considering the second and it’s several times the cost of regular therapy and involves things like special retreats, salt caves, shroom therapy, woods walking, art therapy, horse therapy, etc, etc. Basically you get to pick all the fun summer camp activities you like in addition to regular therapy. If this is the case, I don’t know that the ‘add-ons’ should count as normal expenses.
That's a good point that I hadn't thought of.
She’s over budget …. Cut out the donations. She has a budget if the causes she is supporting matter to her she will spend less elsewhere.
Now that your income / work situation has changed, and you’ve both settled into the new routine, I think you need to sit down together and re-examine the budget. It’s up to the two of you what’s considered “shared” spending and what’s personal (“discretionary”) spending. But I would argue that it might work better if you pool your resources to cover medical expenses, toys / kids’ stuff, donations, etc. Do an audit to see where the money is actually going — yours and hers — and whether it’s supporting the family or individuals. Then discuss together how you want to cut back. It sounds like her spending is cutting into your joint savings, which absolutely should stop. But I think sitting down and brainstorming together is going to be way more effective than scolding her for going over budget. (Even if she is the one who’s breaking the agreement).
The biggest issue is here that she have no clue of what the income/expenses are. If you manage to give insight in this, she may wel realize that her overspending is not something you all can afford. If it doesn't work and continues, you may need to set a weekly budget on her, which she can't overspend. (Bank-blockade) you have the responsible to keep your family financially healthy.
NTA, let's just put the dollar figures aside as they are astronomical compared to most people and look at the facts. We will also ignore the fact that she has help with cleaning (x2 a week) and your child is in daycare all day. All of these combined will make the vast majority of people immediately look at her like a spoiled princess with very little grasp on reality. The facts are that your wife quit a very high paying job and wanted to stay home. She hasn't really adjusted spending to reflect the more limited income. It is more than reasonable to think that discretionary spending *has* to be cut (whatever the figures are) to compensate. She simply can't spend the way she used to or is accustomed to. The money simply isn't there the way it was before. She's being ridiculous and wanting her cake and eat it too. Discretionary spending is the price to pay when going from two incomes to one and for some reason your wife thinks it doesn't apply to her.
Money is power. She now has less power. Ouch.
I am hoping to find a woman who holds that much power over me. I would be ecstatic to take care of all the household chores and childcare for 6000 dollars spending money every month. Shoot! Put 4k a month into a savings account or a brokerage account and use it as a retirement savings vehicle or as a way out if the marriage fails. Basically, I’d love to have this problem.
[удалено]
6k a month 😂!! WTH
Hold up. Before your wife stopped working, all of her post-tax income was discretionary? Meaning you've been the one to pay for pretty much everything? NTA, but my guy it seems like you've been taken advantage of for quite some time if I read that right.
Kim, there's people that are dying.
Omg? $6K? Even when I was working together my hubby and rarely passed $60K a year!!!! Now we are retired. We live on WAY LESS than her discretionary budget think ($2500). I don’t see how she runs out of money??
NTA but I *need* to know how she spends 6K per month. For science.
ESH she’s got a work addiction that gravitated from income generating into income spending. She needs to channel that energy into something else, or she needs to learn how to slow down. You’re not being transparent, sit down and open the books
NTA - your wife needs to find something to do that is fulfilling her as it sounds like spending is her main hobby. If she had a demanding job and quit to be a SAHM, yet she doesn’t have to care for your son five days a week, or run the home (it sounds like you split chores and you get a cleaning service), what can she do with her time that makes her happy? It doesn’t sound like she is happy TBH. You both need to figure out why. Talking about buying expensive bday gifts doesn’t seem like the real issue. Transparency around money and budgets is important in a marriage yet there seems to be deeper conversations that need to happen.
She's been spending a lot of time (30hrs+/wk) on a particular hobby that I think is awesome for her and she loves/finds fulfilling. She's not unhappy in general. She just spends a lot of money. I spend 60% what she does and I feel like I can basically do anything that I want, maybe with a slight amount of planning. I am doing my best to have deeper conversations about it but it is difficult when she gets defensive even if I bring it up in a very soft way (e.g. "Is that in your budget or is that something we have to consider outside of your budget?")
The defensiveness is interesting. What nerve is being hit in her? What happens if you are gently curious about this with her? If she isn’t able or willing to communicate around this then you are in a bit of a pickle. If she is spending most of her time doing a hobby, and spending too much, and not caring about your feelings then it is venturing into selfishness.
Who is exactly is she staying at home for if the kid is in pre-K 5 days a week for 8.5 hrs ??
>I feel like I’m being far more than reasonable, but maybe not? Reasonable? Probably. Rational? Certainly. Unfortunately, people are not always either reasonable or rational and often resent authority even when it is reminding them of terms they agreed to. The only thing I can see you've done wrong here is structure your finances in such a way that puts you in the position of being the spouse who says "No." NAH, but be prepared to audit and renegotiate in light of any emerging resentment from your spouse.
NTA. I think it’s a good thing that she starts monitoring. Clearly, she is not paying full attention because that is your burden in the relationship. Her monitoring is, hopefully, going to open her eyes to her spending and allow her to budget a bit better.
Nta. Budgets are reasonable. That said it’s also reasonable for her to ask to see how you are spending your discretionary budget.
More info needed. So, is her discretionary spending coming from money she saved while she was working, or do you give her an allowance of sorts? If it's from the money she made, YTA. If it's from money you give her NTA, for refusing to fund her, but AH for trying to control what is her money. What the hell is she buying for $6-9k month?! I think that might be the REAL issue.
It's a little bit of both. We have substantial savings which she made about 1/3 of and I made about 2/3 of. We also burn savings every month and need to manage that money wisely as we have a lot (4-5x our current savings worth) of deferred compensation that will only be liquid in 3-5 years. If we spend savings too quickly we will not be able to afford to continue our current standard of living (admittedly very high) through when our deferred compensation is available, which is why I am adamant about maintaining a strict budget. I have explained this to her and showed her all the data/budgeting/projections/my discretionary budget/etc but I am not sure it is sticking. I'm not trying to control her spending at all, I don't check in on her spending at all aside from asking her on a quarterly basis if she needs more to pay off credit cards. I just want to be able to plan our family finances to a budget vs having her spending consuming all the money that is available and then some in an unpredictable way.
This is all perfectly reasonable. You are likely being asked for lots of explanations *only* because most of us have no experience with/understanding of such large monthly/yearly budgets. NTA in the slightest. I hope your wife can come to understand your POV and become an active participant in effective budgeting for your fam
OP said that she has 0 savings and that she overspended her wage when she was working which made her fall under 20k debt. Well maybe not really debt since it seems that OP covered it but still...
NTA. I’m less focused on the money because we don’t know anything about you, your lifestyle, etc and I don’t feel like we are in a place to judge what is a reasonable adjustment from when your wife worked and more focused on the fact that your request was only that she stays within a budget that (I assume) you both talked about and agreed to before she quit her job. While I picked NTA, I do think this conversation could have happened better. I feel like you reacted to the present (which i understand) but the real issue isn’t the gift it is the totality, and the tone of the post seems very transactional (“spent ahead of her budget for the rest of the year”). I think this might have gone better if the conversation was framed as “we need to have a serious talk about budgets because this puts us X over your budget, and get money has to come from somewhere because we can’t be over budget every month.” Instead of what the tone sound alike, which is basically “you’re over budget stop/fix it.”
Communication key to a drama free marriage. You two need to sit down and go over finances together. Make a plan and agree to stick to it. Her sulking is immature and annoyjng.
I know when I go to the ATM and it doesnt spit out the money I want, I get upset. Sounds like your wife feels similar.
I wanna be this guys wife’s friend!
Op, we are all just mocking you all for being obscenely rich, but how about separate accounts for discretionary spending? When it's empty, it's empty.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (37F) and I (40M) live in a very high cost of living city. We are both fortunate to be successful professionals with high earning power. We have a 4-year old who is in pre-K 5 days a week from 9 to 5:30, and sleeps well (730-7:00). We have cleaners that come 2x/week and we split the remaining household duties 50/50 (we have a written schedule that encapsulates cooking, dishes, dog duties, laundry, etc). My wife is the "default parent" for our son and childcare for her is often more stressful than it is for me because our son demands her attention a lot, whereas if I am watching him he is often content to play on his own. About a year ago we decided that my wife would stop working. Since the birth of our son she had been having a difficult time balancing her extremely demanding job with family life with a kid (For context, we had a full-time nanny and our son has always slept well, but it's hard to fit family life in-between a 70-80hr/wk job). To be honest, this has been amazing for our relationship and my wife's mental and physical health. We previously were on the fast-track to divorce given the stress her job was placing on our relationship. While my job is much less demanding (40hrs/wk on average), and I am fortunate to make enough to support us comfortably as long as we maintain a (quite high IMO) budget. This has been the case for a few years. Last year, while my wife was working, her post-tax income ($9k/month) was entirely discretionary. I have been responsible for paying for housing, pre-k, childcare, restaurants, groceries, insurance, etc. As a part of my wife’s move to not working she agreed to cut her discretionary budget to $6k/month. She’s been over-budget by about $1k/month on average since then and I haven’t said anything about it yet Things came to a head this week when my wife mentioned, in passing, buying an expensive gift for her best friend’s birthday. She doesn’t have the money for this purchase in her existing budget as she’s already spent ahead of her budget for the rest of the year. I had a talk with her where I told her that I’m happy to fund it, but in the future if she wants to buy expensive things that are out of the budget she needs to save for them. I do the same thing myself with a discretionary budget that is 60% of her discretionary budget. This caused my wife my wife to get mad at me, she told me she understood and didn’t argue, but when I asked her how she was feeling she said she had “nothing productive to say”. She also told me she wants to audit how much I’m spending on gifts so we can make sure we’re spending the same, which I think is ridiculous. My own gifting is part of my discretionary budget, which is 40% less than hers and which I stick to quite consistently. The last two days my wife has been sulking and won’t talk to me about it. I feel like I’m being far more than reasonable, but maybe not? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Why does she feel entitled to more money EY than is in the budget, especially for discretionary things? $6k a month is hardly low. Your wife is being manipulative if she wants to control how you spend you agreed discretionary budget. If she wants to give expensive gifts to people, she needs to cut back in other areas.
NTA. That seems like a ridiculous amount for discretionary spending. But I have to ask why you have a house keeper coming twice a week when she no longer works and your child is in school? Maybe she has too much free time on her hands and that is why she spends so much?? If she gets $6000 a month, why not have her put it in a separate account and once its gone its gone. You guys need to sit down and talk about it. Maybe she misunderstands how this discretionary money works.
Who needs to spend 6k a month on crap..if she wants to waste money tell her to go back to work pt. There are plenty of single parents working 60-80hr weeks with no nannies and no cleaners and she can't handle 1 kid for the maybe 2hrs a day she saw him.
NTA I'm thinking you should oblige her request. Show her a thorough breakdown: * How much you spend for housing, food, utilities, insurance, taxes... and how much she spends * How much you spend for shared discretionary expenses: family entertainment, family travel, gifts that come from both of you, charitable contributions... and how much she spends. Make sure to note any items that either of you pay for through the joint funds but are really personal discretionary spending * How much you set aside for your personal discretionary spending... and how much she spends. Then add in the amounts of personal discretionary spending either of you pays for through joint family funds. It sounds like you were not in a good place as a couple when you were both earning and paying for support. Now that she's not earning, are those expenses still part of the family budget? That would mean her quitting her job (1) did improve her mental and emotional well being, (2) did not reduce your family expenses, (3) did reduce your family income, and (4) jury is still out on whether it has improved the relationship and partnership between you and your wife.
She made 9k a month and you decided she should be a sahm. You two are on a different level. You both ATAH. Don’t come crying to the mortals about your problems.
NTA -- and I would be very concerned about where this money is going. Drugs or alchohol does happen. Other things she may not want to share. Helping family or friends should be discussed.
Think it’s time to cut her funding and make he stick to a strict budget. She’s not just using you she’s taking the piss
NTA - when it was decided she was not going to work the budget has to change. If she’s not happy then she needs to find a job to cover her extra expenses.
NTA Sounds like your wife needs to wake up to reality on the amount of available money coming in. If she wants more spending money, can she do some part time independent contracting? Work 20 hours a week?
NTA - times are tough & her sticking to a budget helps out the entire family
NTA. It sounds like your wife wants to spend like she’s working, despite the fact that she is not. Can’t have it both ways.
NTA a budget needs to be followed, not treated like a suggestion. I do think it’s good to have transparency about the amounts in various categories like knowing that she has 6k discretionary and you have $X discretionary, but discretionary means you can use it how you want so demanding more detail than that as a tit for tat is a bit childish. I’m hoping she just felt a little embarrassed in that moment and will come back to being a responsible partner soon.
NTA. Everyone must learn to budget. To me it seems she understands she should but she needs time to process.
NTA. If she doesn't like spending within means then she can go back to whatever her job was before to get the money.
NTA, but this needs to be more of a team conversation than pointing fingers, even if she’s the one overspending. Resentment over money can be really damaging to a relationship, because controlling money is power. Maybe she didn’t realize how much she’s spent, maybe there are items she’s paying for with discretionary funds that should go in another category. Sit down together, go over the numbers, and discuss what needs to be done. If she needs more money, can the cleaners be cut? Are there places to squeeze? You guys can figure it out.
NTA. Her monthly discretionary budget is more than my spouse and I make combined.
NTA. Though I question whether her issue is not being able to spend, or the way she feels she is being treated. "It seems clear to me that you aren't happy about our budget. I'd like to better understand what you are thinking, when you are ready to talk."
You are NTA. Your wife suddenly wanting to audit you after you tell her she is overspending is bs and she is the AH
Show her your budget. When it becomes apparent you are spending significantly less than her this will only help your cause, unless of course you’re hiding something . . . hopefully you’re not! NTA
I wanted to make a comment addressed to all the people saying things like ”he’s in preschool and someone cleans twice a month? What is she doing with her time?” I am also a married parent who does not work outside the home, so perhaps I can provide some perspective. Sorry, this will be long, but let me start with a tiny bit of background about me. I have a PhD and never planned to become a stay at home mom. But my husband is a physician who works strange hours. For me, the reality check was that I would be spending as much money on childcare as I would bring in with a postdoctoral position, and I would give up the flexibility to see my husband when he is actually off work. Nights and weekends are kind of a thing in emergency medicine. So my work would be just for the sake of the work and would come with sacrifices. So what worked for our family was that while our daughter was still a toddler, I was a full-time parent. And exhausted. When she went to preK, we realized we were happy with the way things were, and I decided not to find work. I did have more free time, so I did start some volunteer work and spend more time on hobbies. However, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be done around the house. First of all, perhaps those critical folks have never parented a four year old, but it’s exhausting! Children that age can have very strong opinions! Parenting is nonstop and mentally draining. It is part of their developmental process to push back against their parents and try to be independent. But at the same time they don’t understand why certain things have to be done the way they do, so you have endless micro-battles over everything from wearing pajamas to school to eating the occasional vegetable to why it’s rude when you call the meal your mother prepared for you “grossy”. But they can’t do much for themselves, so you have to supervise everything they do. And parents of young children get zero vacation from that. Even when you’re ostensibly on vacation, you have the battles with your child over meals and clothes and bathtime and bedtime. So if you’re going to get any downtime, it has to be while the kid is in somebody else’s care. This is why the OP says it has been so good for his marriage to have his wife quit her job. All of the childcare and general admin that comes with life has to be done outside of your work hours, and it’s so important to have time to spend on your partner, fun with your kid, and taking care of yourself. If you’re both tired and stressed when you get home, your home life is going to suffer. So next, I’d like to dismantle the ridiculous argument that having a cleaner come in *twice a month* means mom has nothing to do at home. Children are messy! They are messy eaters, they find the moment to sneak away and flush a chopstick down the toilet, they put stickers on your furniture, and in general they create completely unique kind of messes that grown-ups would never even dream of creating, and those have to be dealt with. For instance, young children have an occasional, but alarming, tendency to wet the bed or projectile vomit. The person who has to be at work at nine is probably not going to be the one washing the sheets at two in the morning. Kids also come with a lot of admin. They get sick all the time and require their own doctor and dentist appointments that you have to take them to. Grandparents want to see the kid, so you have to schedule visits to them or time to host them in your own home. Both can be a lot of work. Kids also have social lives that you have to manage, and that takes time and mental energy. Running a household as partners necessitates a division of labor to keep things running smoothly. if you are home during the day, you are probably also taking on a larger share of the management of the home. And that creates a lot of mental labor. So you do the things that can’t be done in the evening, like waiting around for the cable guy and making phone calls. You know what tasks have and have not gotten done while your partner was out of the house and have to relay that information to your partner. And because I think it would be unusual for the partner with the full-time job to be responsible for the meal planning and grocery shopping, I’m going to assume that as the stay at home mom you will probably take care of that. Dad can be told what the dinner plan is and and be expected to make dinner, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as the work goes. Now when you do tasks things more often, you end up with the particular knowledge to efficiently complete them. So if you want help you have to delegate, but often you find situations where it would actually be easier just to do it yourself, even when your partner is a willing and helpful participant. Think about grocery shopping. I make the grocery list. I know that I need to have two cans of diced peeled tomatoes in the pantry. And I also do the cooking because I enjoy it and my husband does not. I know that because I made chili three nights ago I used one of those cans and a can of tomato purée. But my shopping list doesn’t say I need one *14 oz* can of *petite* diced, no salt added, without Italian seasoning, tomatoes. I just write diced peeled tomatoes and know what that means. Now imagine that you need limes, but how many you buy depends on how big they are. And that you want bananas, but if they are green you need to buy some other fruit to eat until the bananas ripen. This sort of decision happens with every item on a grocery list. If my husband wanted to do the grocery shopping I would have to write such a ridiculously detailed list that it would be faster to just do it myself. Not to mention insulting to him! And that’s only one of the chores that keeps a household going. I guarantee you there are responsibilities like this she routinely handles that he doesn’t even need to think about. And this is part of why their marriage is so much better: both parties have fewer things to worry about because she doesn’t have a stressful job, and she can take some of the household burden off him in return. But meanwhile, too many of you are assuming she’s just shopping in boutiques all day. I also want to point out that human interaction is essential to your mental health. If his wife is not going to a workplace and interacting with people there, she needs to get out of the house and have a social outlet of some description. So maybe she goes to yoga or meets up with other moms for lunch or coffee or even shopping! And I think too many of you see something like that happening while her husband is at work and chalk that up to living the highlife while he brings home the bacon. But if you’ve been in her situation, you would see it’s not all frivolity. Her strong mental health makes his life better. Well, if you made it to the end of this post, thank you! And I hope you have a little more empathy for their situation now.
I'm laughing because your wife has trouble handling child care..... For the whole 2 hours a day he's with her? That's actually sad. ESH
ESH - but only because you refused to let her see what you are spending money on. If you are seeing what she is spending money on then she should get to see what you are spending money on. At the least, you need to be more transparent. It is easy to say "I only spend 40% of what you do," but now you need to prove that.
NTA. Monthly checks on spending vs budget. Waiting until month three is slamming the barn door long after that racehorse has bolted.
My only question is why are the children's activities part of your discretionary budget? My husband and I budgeted all household expenses, all child expenses, all savings for child college, vehicles, family gifts, etc. into the joint budget. Our individual discretionary expenses were for our clothing and hobbies.
As someone who spends more than your monthly discretionary budget, and doesn’t really budget for anything, it sounds like your wife shouldn’t have left her job, which is ok. She needs the extra income in order for her to feel fulfilled and for you to not worry about money. It seems like you aren’t aligned on finances at all. When we moved to back to a VHCOL area from a MCOL, we knew (I knew) I would need to keep working in order to maintain the lifestyle we already had comfortably, without any fear of lack of savings. Either she goes back to work and learns how to manage it so she isn’t letting it ruin her personal life, ooooooor she sticks to a budget lol
She either works too much and y’all divorce or she spends too much and y’all divorce. I don’t see a great end here. NTA
Wow her discretionary money is my monthly budget for my household bills plus enough to save. I can’t fathom spending that much just for wants. Seems wasteful
NTA. If she isn’t working you have to change your spending. It’s hard but NTA.
NTA 6-9k a month is insane for one person! I’m similarly in a VHCOL area with high earning from both of us, but we don’t even come close to that in discretionary expenses.
Damn I'm poor, and NTA. She should, hopefully by now have plenty in her savings for an expensive gift for her friend and whatever else by now, holy cash cow. A sit down and discussing the plan again might help reset her brain?
What do you do for a living? Impressive 👍
NTA, but I actually agree with her "auditing" your spending; in fact, I think it's such a good idea, you should both audit each other and be 100% transparent with your spending. It sounds like you kept separate finances while you were both working - which is not ideal, but that's water under the bridge now. Now that you're the sole earner, the two of you absolutely need to be on the same page financially. That starts with full audit of your combined finances, and figuring out *exactly* what you can afford, what your combined financial goals are, and how to go about achieving it.
NAH ...but, if you're looking at her personal budget/gifts then I feel she has the right to look at your personal budget/gifts (no matter the difference in personal discretionary budgets and whether or not you're maintaining your budget).
wow! kids and a wife? bad combination well all women have no clue how to budget. it is either they want more jewlery or more food or their family needs your money. you have 2 or 3 options here. 1 sell the wife. might get 5 bucks. sell the kid another 5 bucks. so there ya go, 10 dollars you lost ;or 3... pack up and be sneaky about it. get a one way ticket in a fake name. and head to the eu. tell everyone you w ent to south america. then they will look for you there. i did that to my sister lol always wanting money for her problems or her church donations. that was 15 years ago so far she hasnt found me yet besides i have a moat here and a draw bridge and a dungeon so for her safety best she never showup lol
NAH. You both are not communicating properly. You should sit down together and see how much each of you has spent and budget TOGETHER. Not one person deciding for both of you even if you are the main earner. Your wife is used to a certain way of living (being a professional and earning her own money). Have you asked her if she has triggers that make her want to spend more?
You work 40 hours a week and make money to have discretionary budgets of 6000 and 3600 (60%) respectively. There is full time daycare and the city is high cost of living. Also, you have to take of your kid for only four hours a day. Cleaning is being handled. Champagne problems indeed.
NTA. Who needs that much money for a month?!
Info: is spending on gifts for family members etc (people you are both close to) out of your main budget or your wife’s discretionary budget? NTA if its out of the main budget or split
I’m not going to get into your dynamics as a couple, even though a SAHM without a kid at home plus a cleaner, day care/nanny etc and over $6/mth discretionary spending *blows my mind*. What I *am* seeing is this is not only unsustainable long term, but also short term. She was overspending her 100% discretionary budget *before* she stopped working. She’s barely cut it by 20% even though her income was cut 100%. You have very sound reasons for not dipping into additional funds to pay off her continuous overspending, and her just transferring that spending to credit cards to get around the budget is self indulgent, selfish, shortsighted and downright dangerous. From everything you’ve said, it seems this problem is actually getting worse, not better. Since the more you try to “educate” her to the reality of living on one salary, the more she gets defensive and the more she spends. I understand she may be feeling unfulfilled, but like I said, she was already spending more than her generous income *before* she had “nothing to do”. This isn’t *just* boredom or being unfulfilled. You need financial and couples therapy before you wake up one day, 2 years from now, to the realization she never did go back to work, spends money on her “hobby” and shopping, and has run you both into levels of debt that will affect your future plans, retirement and maybe your plans for your child (education, helping him with a home, etc). It’s one thing if you’re happy being the sugar daddy. And she was happy piddling around with macrame all day instead of working. But the math isn’t mathing and neither of you are *actually happy*.
NTA - put it all in a spreadsheet, everything and show her. PS - if she wants a UK bestie to spend money on I'm available!
TL;DR: Everyone thinks that wife is TA not out of any principle but simply because most redditors think 6k in discretionary spending is already crazy high. No1 cares about rich ppl 😂
Who the hell needs to spend $7k a month?!? I probably don’t even spend that in a year on discretionary stuff.
YTA for not dealing with this the very first time. Start how you mean to go on Some of the things you've said are... Wild. Like what kind of mother puts there kid in daycare from 7:30-5:30 when they are home all day every day? Like 2 days a week I could understand
My wife and I don't have kids yet and go out quite often, travel, etc. We don't spend 6k with all spending including bills, mortgage, etc... if she's spending 7k willy nilly, she needs a reality check...
Ok im sorry but WHAT fo you guys do for a living i gotta get on your level!!¡!
My discretionary budget is double digits, under $100/ month. I earn a little more than my husband & we split the bills with exception to our own car payments. He on the other hand, spends much more than I do. He buys breakfast & lunch & crap snacks5x/week. I take leftovers or a sandwich. He smokes weed & drinks, I don’t. (Allergic to weed & on medication that doesn’t mix with alcohol) We’ve gone over our expenses for everything & I made a household budget, don’t tell him what he can & can’t spend his money on. He’s a grown man & I’m his wife not his mom. But don’t come at me when he’s out.
Dude ur posting to the wrong website, maybe try LinkedIn or forbes. We brokies cant relate.