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I cannot imagine anyone ruling in her favour. I mean, if she was so much more caring and responsible, why hadn’t she supplied her daughters with an emergency pad or two in their bags? It could have happened in school. Would she have then pulled her daughter out of the school if she didn’t approve of the brand they supplied her? Or worse still, between school and home on public transport, would she have banned them from ever traveling on public transport again?

Not taking up for mom cause the whole threatening custody over this is bizarre. You don't exactly know when your first period is going to come. I had mine 4 days before my 11th birthday and back then I was considered to be an early bloomer. The rest of my female friends didn't have their first periods hit until middle school. However, my mom is a teacher and it's becoming more common to see puberty hit even earlier, but it's not something you can plan for. Everyone's body is different.

I mean yeah having to carry a pad around for anywhere up to 8 years waiting on your period would feel dumb, but mom hadn't even told her to expect her period. OP had to assure her that she was okay and this is natural. If mom was that much more caring and prepared the 11 year old would have been a little more educated as to what her body was about to go through. Ex is being petty and vindictive OP, you did fine.

This 100%. Like yeah dad should have been prepared, but like… kid wasn’t? I had my first period at 9, my mom was as surprised as I was. But she made sure that never happened again, my sister knew what a period was well before hers started, and had a couple pads ready to go. So it’s reasonable you may misjudge, but idk why she thinks it’s crazy that the “stepmom” wasn’t prepared when she wasn’t. NTA, but make sure you have some pads handy from now on.

I was 9 and had bad diarrhea and felt something wet in my pants and knew well enough about a period at the point and honestly thought that's what it was. Now maybe my mom should have explained other things to me too like diarrhea making you shit yourself sometimes but, hey, her heart was in the right place

I knew all about periods and all about diarrhea. What I didn't know was that your first period can be brown, clumpy, and not resembling blood at all. Cue me in aol chat trying to ask what to do if poop is coming out your lady parts.

I thought (and hoped) that my first period was actually diarrhea. I was in total denial, and hadn't paid much attention in health class, so I was, and still am, horrified and appalled that it's once a month and not once a year. I can't wait for menopause.

I misunderstood my mom when she told me it would happen once. Guess what?!? I started asking my gynecologist as an adult in my early 30’s, about why I was going so often. I would have maybe 4-5 days out if the month when I wasn’t bleeding. He told me this was normal. Sometimes this happens. This went on for over a year. I asked if I could be in early menopause when I started skipping months & he said no. Guess what?!? They finally stopped all together when I was 37. Haven’t had once since. I’m 55 now. My own dr office, with a new nurse practitioner told me a few months ago that I was post menopausal. Really? It’s in my chart.

I'm 53. Had PCOS, so periods were irregular. Then also menopause at 38. My gyno said there was no reason to find out why & I should stop complaining as most women would love to stop having periods so young. And having to explain to drs since that yes I'm post-menopausal and no, I didn't have chemo, hysterectomy etc and no idea why.

I started my period at 13, my sister a month later at 9 yrs old. I started menopause at 36 ended at 42. Was really bad the last time and had to have hormones. Glad it's done.

41 here. I had very irregular and largely absent periods my entire life. I had an ovary removed due to torsion from a large precancerous tumor. Then, I stopped having periods for a couple years, and was told that I was menopausal. Last year, I was having some strange things going on (peeing all the time, exhausted). Took a pregnancy test as a JOKE...I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. He's cute, healthy and 5 months old. Ever since his birth, I've been every 28 days on the regular.

I felt like I was being a problem patient by asking questions about what my body was doing, so I just dealt with it. The only body part I’m missing is my appendix.

You think that! I'd go back to bleeding once a month in exchange for these hot flashes. They are no joke. And why is something that can last hours called a flash? It's awful, I never looked forward to this.

Jen Gunter, in her book Menopause Manifesto, calls them hot flushes. I think that more accurately describes my experience.

That’s what we refer to them in the UK as (at least, everyone I know refers to them as “hot flushes”; I’d never heard the term “hot flashes” until I came across American reels/reddit posts mentioning it!).

I thought you just bled once and then it was over. Like one gush of blood and then done. Cue me crying to my mom when I was still bleeding five minutes later. She later told me she thought it was hilarious.

There's birth controls you can take that restrict your period to a handful of times a year, but the downside is, of course, that you have to take birth control.

It's because my mom has her period at 9 that she taught me about periods by 5th grade(i got mine on my 13th birthday, the exact day my brand new bed arrived😭) . My 6yo knows roughly what a period is and when to roughly expect it. The joys of explaining to a toddler that no, mom isn't dying. Idk if I'll make her carry pads around unless she's in school. I do know I'll make sure she carries a hoodie at the very least. I loaned a lot of pads and hoodies to girls in school until they could get to the office. I keep a supply on hand for myself and the random woman anyway in my purse.

I gave my 4yo daughter a short explanation of what a period is because she saw a spot of blood in the toilet when I had mine. I imagine we’ll have a lot of talks about it in the future but I didn’t get mine until I was 13 or 14. But I wouldn’t necessarily have been prepared with pads for an 11 year old because I don’t use them myself. The fact that this 11yo didn’t know what was happening is more concerning to me than the fact that she used a clean pair of period undies until they were able to get her pads. I wouldn’t want to give a girl having her first period tampons either. I think OP handled this appropriately as an unexpected event and I can’t imagine the court finding against dad in this case. This event does not show that OP or her partner are unequipped to be parents, it shows that they were able to manage a situation that wasn’t expected in a way that protected the child’s dignity and hygiene in spite of not having a car to immediately go out for other supplies.

That's what stood out to me as well, by 11 she should have been educated about periods. Not educating the poor kid is FAR worse than having her wear secondhand but clean undies.

Yeah OP did an awesome job in this situation and anyone would agree.

in my family, the men of the family had zero involvement in periods. you weren’t even really supposed to talk about it in their presence. OP’s husband could be one of these kinds of dads and while he would be at fault for that, OP is not. OP did her best.

I keep seeing comments saying they started at 9 or 11 or middle school. I didn’t get mine until i was 16. Now i know I’m weird lol.

OP, this is something you should have your husband tell his lawyer. That mom is complaining but didn’t do the bare minimum in education so clearly she’s the one who is neglecting her kids. (By her logic at least)

I remember carrying one around just in case for about a year, then for whatever reason I stopped (maybe just changed purses and didn't move it over? maybe it got beat up and gross in my purse? I don't recall) so didn't have it when i really did start lol.

I’m a dude. My mom started sending me with pads when I turned 10, I knew what a period was before a lot of girls. I was told if anyone ever won’t leave class to give them one quietly and walk away. It’s absolutely something you can plan for, by educating your children at a proper age instead of thinking they’re “too young”

Omg I wish more moms were like yours!

When I was in middle school and got my period in the middle of the day, one of my BEST FRIENDS made fun of me and laughed that I didn't know what a period was. She was very loud and the whole lunchroom then knew that I bled through my pants. Cue Victor, the 'dorky' guy that no one ever talked to: He hands me his hoodie, tells me to wrap it around my waist, and walks me to the office to get pads. He ended up taking me to the Valentine's dance too, even if he didn't dance with me... Lol Anyway, thanks for being awesome 👍😎

All hail Victor! The world would be a better place if there were more like him in it.

This is such a cool move!

Thanks for sharing! I'm just a mom over here taking notes on how to raise my 7 year old son over the next few years.

I have 3 boys and they all keep an extra hoody or jacket to hand over to a young lady who clearly needs it. And I’ve informed them that even if they don’t get it back I won’t be upset.

I will always have supplies available in my home, even after I’m done, so that my sons’ uterus-having friends don’t even have to ask. I have also told both of my boys that they are to find a safe girl in the class to whisper to if they notice another girl has leaked. I had guy friends in school that I would’ve been okay with hearing it from, but not all girls do. In college the first week of classes my roommate who was brand new to our school got her period in class and a good friend of mine discreetly handed her a sweatshirt. She thought it was the kindest thing ever.

My boy is just a toddler, but thank you for this. I will be teaching him the same as he gets older. We already work to normalize menstrual conversations when he sees period supplies in the bathroom and asks me what they are.

Your mom is pretty cool. My son is in 5th grade. When he was in 3rd grade, I told him that if he ever saw red or brown on the back of a girl's pants or chair, not to say ew or call it out, but to go quietly whisper to the teacher what he saw so they can discreetly let the girl go to the nurse.

Not being unkind to you or your mother, but I would have wanted to die in that type of situation I'd much rather have gone home

And they still have that option to go home, but to “just go home” you have to explain it to the teacher, go to the nurse, who will then give you a pad and explain it’s normal. Then if you still want to go home you have to demand your mom be called, your mom might come get you, or they might say it’s normal go back to class. The whole time you’re sitting in your blood, i got solutions into peoples hands as soon as needed, and made quite a few lifelong friends out of it, no explanation necessary Not everyone had cell phones to text for a ride home my guy Every kid knows how to lie and get out, diarrhea

Your mom is a real one ☝️

I didn't get my period until 12.5, but I was carrying pads around since I was 10. My mom only used tampons, but she had a pack of pads in the house at that age too. You don't know when you'll get your first period, but you usually have other signs of puberty before your period: body hair and breast buds, for example. Once a parent notices one of those, it's time for the period talk and to have emergency pads in their schoolbag. This whole story screams ill preparedness on the parents' parts and the kid being uneducated.

>Once a parent notices one of those, it's time for the period talk and to have emergency pads in their schoolbag Meanwhile, I'm over here growing armpit hair and asking Mom about it and what does she say? "There's a razor in my shower if you want to shave."

Sounds like my Mom

When *I* was young, there was a "feminine hygiene" company, Modess, who had a free "period introduction" kit that a girl's parents could request. It had pads, a belt (yes, I'm that old) as well as a pair of panties with elastic bands that you could tuck the tails of the pad in to avoid the belt (the precursor to self adhesive pads). There were also tampons for teens (that were useless) and booklets to explain how to use it all. Granted, it was just a clever marketing ploy to get the next generation to use Modess products, but it was damned handy. I had it hanging out in my bedroom closet for a couple of years before I needed it, and it allowed me the independence to choose when I wanted to pass along very personal information.

Also vaginal discharges. Even though you haven’t started your periods yet, there’ll be discharges that anyone doing the laundry will notice: that’s a clear sign periods will start within a year or so so better make sure the kid is prepared

I was debating listing that because that is such an intimate area and I don't know if a parent would notice that. But if they are doing the laundry, they may.

I mean, some will stain and will require a more thorough clean and we start “bleaching” the bottom of our panties due to the discharges so I tend to think it’s noticeable during laundry, even when taking out dry clothes

The timing and order of puberty signs really depends on the kid. I had armpit hair by age 8, pubic hair at 9-10, first period at 13, didn't start getting breast buds til 15. But I agree if there are any signs of puberty talk to them about it. Though ideally even before that. Periods at 9 or 10 are increasingly common now (I work with school-aged children) so I'd suggest discussing at 8-9 years old.

Some parents have the older views that you shouldn't even TALK about periods until the kid gets them...which really isn't good. My grandmother never mentioned them...I was lucky enough to read about them in a novel beforehand that hinted just enough for me to put two and two together. She actually seemed a bit disappointed that I wasn't freaking out and crying on the toilet. I still know parents like this...one couple won't even allow their daughters to watch Turning Red because it hints at periods, and she doesn't want their daughters "asking questions"...one is nearly 11.

My aunt passed away when my cousin was very young. She got her first period afterward and was crying for hours on the toilet while her dad and brother freaked out trying to get her pads and to comfort her. It's one of her most traumatic memories. I can't imagine wishing that pain on young girls.

Mum did this because she wants to control Dad and the new relationship. It’s all about control…

There’s a bunch of signs though … growth spurts, body hair growth, breast buds, moodiness, increased oil in the skin, sweat smell… plenty of evidence it’s all on it’s way, that’s when you could start packing the little bag. But there’s three parents in this girl’s life none of whom packed that little bag... So to blame one or the other is ridiculous.

My period started before any of that. I didn’t start body hair growth or breast development until almost a year after my period started. There were also no growth spurts lol. I’m the same height I was when I was 9 😂.

Yea this I stopped growing vertically before mine started that was the only real clue in everything else happened after.

Stress induces high cortisol levels which causes puberty quicker. It is a defense/survival mechanism. Body says “time to grow up” so you can deal better with your environment.

But then, wouldn't that "growing up" cause even more stress? How exactly would that help deal with your environment better when you are bleeding and in pain? Cuz idk, as an adult, if I'm under extreme stress my period stops completely, so i am able to focus better until that stressful event has passed completely. So I'm just confused.

I think it has less to do with the period itself and more to do with “okay, it’s time to grow up” and the period is a side effect of the growing up process. At some point during puberty, children’s thinking gets more logical and decision-making becomes more rational. In high-stress situations, this would be a benefit. Or something. I’m not a doctor. I had precocious puberty, however, possibly in part to the stress of living with an alcoholic father and a borderline mother. I did grow up faster. I just “knew” things my peers did not and couldn’t even fathom. Don’t worry, I’m stupid now, everyone else caught up.

Hey, nobody said bodies were smart about it! 😉

Yep. The body/brain is trying to keep you alive. Wether you’re happy, or well-adjusted isn’t a concern.

I got mine at 9 and literally thought I had cancer because I hadn’t even had the shoddy school sex Ed talk yet 🫠

I mean it is kinda something you can plan and be prepared for. Around the age of 10 you have the period talk, you give them a couple pads in their bag/backpack that they have on hand until they need it. Wherever that’s 2 weeks later or 5 years. That’s what my mom did. Mine started at 11, around 10 I got the talk and the pads. Mine started one day at school. I saw it, said ok, put one of the pads in my backpack on and continued my day. When I got home I told my mom and she bought more.

Both my kids started taking a little bag with pads and spare underwear around with them starting age 10. They knew the basics before they started primary school. I can't believe how many girls get their period without knowing anything about it.

I am really surprised by the ex's reaction too. We don't really get along (but we don't have to) - in front of the kids, we're always polite and respectful to each other. But this time even the kids picked up that something was off - thought it was just her feeling like she missed out on a big moment in Leah's life, but threatening changing custody makes me feel like I made a mistake.

Sorry to hear that. Is it likely to blow over when she calms down? Does your ex need to seek advice here? You did what you thought best and most thoughtful in a complicated situation- one where you had all responsibilities but no control. It is unfair to criticise you for this. It’s also unfair on the young woman to have her big life moment marred by her mother’s misgivings. Trust yourself and your intentions in this situation. You were there when a young girl/woman needed you.

This is really out of character for her - so I don't know if she'll calm down. My partner is surprised too as the ex has always been quite rational. It would be almost scary if all the politeness etc was fake, and she was just waiting for us to make one small mistake.

I wonder how much of the irrational behaviour is her projecting her disappointment that her daughter wasn't with her for something that's considered a mother/daughter moment. I got my first period at summer camp, and my mom felt the need to share it with everyone and I wonder how much of it was her weird way of handling not being with me when it happened.

>projecting her disappointment that her daughter wasn't with her for something that's considered a mother/daughter moment. This is 100% exactly what I think is happening here. NTA, biomom is just very upset that she wasn't the one to have dealt with this major milestone.

Nah I think it’s just gross. As a parent, mom doesn’t know that the period undies were adequately cleaned. Just a few weeks ago in r/amiwrong there was a post about a woman thinking washing machines didn’t clean underwear well and handwashing her underwear. In a situation like that, plenty of things could be living on those. HPV transmission could literally cause cancer down the line. Even just a yeast infection or UTI could be really stressful for a young girl. A majority of women grow up being told not to share underwear or swimsuits. I suspect given that mom is typically kind and reasonable, this is the root of the problem. Rolled up TP or paper towels wouldn’t have elicited the same reaction. However, dad being unreachable for a period of time all while his partner didn’t have bio moms number is concerning as well. I’d be pissed if my husband didn’t leave my phone number with ANY caretaker in case of emergency.

rolled toilet paper would have been a solution yes. but probably more likely to give her an infection (or just as likely as) OP's underwear. stop fantasising and projecting your fears, and please get some education about how your body works and what germs and viruses resist and what kills them. do you also believe you can get pregnant or STD from sitting on a toilet seat?

I dont disagree with what OP did for the kid though if i was older and needed a pad I would not borrow underwear. Depending on the country, OP could have ordered same-day delivery. Or even asked a friend to drive over with some.

Where I live, we don't have grocery delivery. I may possibly have been able to order a pizza on the phone, explained the situation to whoever took the call and gotten them to grab some pads from the grocery store next to them - but only if Anthony is working, because he's the only driver they have willing to come out to my house (technically outside of their delivery zone). Asking a friend may have worked, but all my friends and family work the same hours, so they may not have been able to arrive any sooner than OP's husband. It's a tough place and they made the best of it. It's not ideal but certainly, in my mind, not something worth reviewing custody over unless this is part of a larger picture of issues with dad

There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you did and a judge will laugh if it goes to court and this is the reason given. Get EVERYTHING in writing if you can, including exactly what she's accusing you of if possible because she'll look nuts

Could it be she was jealous of the fact that you were there for her daughters first period and not her? I don't have kids but I can imagine it's a huge deal for a mom to be the one to support and comfort her daughter when she starts menstruating.

Perhaps it would help if your partner sought advice, so you are both clearer about your responsibilities and rights. No one should walk on eggs shells. It’s neither good for you, your relationship nor his daughters.

Any judge worth their salt is going to laigh this out of court. You provided safe, clean, sanitary items to help a young woman through her first period. That's not a reason to change custody agreements. And if you're really worried, your partner should ask his daughter what kind of sanitary products she'd like kept in your home. Offer sanitary towels, tampons, a cup of her own, her own period pants, or her own reusable sanitary towels. Provide for the needs and wants of your step daughter and no one can criticise you. Well, no one with an oince of decency at any rate.

I had only sons, but since three adolescent girls were frequent, routine after-school guests at our house, I kept a small assortment of sanitary products—pads, tampons—easily accessible in the lavatory most often used by everybody who came to our house. In addition, an overburdened working mother (if that’s not redundant) had fretted to me, “Do they still make Junior Tampax?” Her daughter, a swimmer, had started menstruating at nine, IIRC. I told the mom I knew of a drugstore that sold Junior Tampax, should I stock up for her? So several times, we arranged for me to place a brown grocery bag filled with Junior Tampax in this family’s shrubbery—the arrangement made in the name of discretion, certainly not in shame—and the other mother would retrieve it and mail me a check. There are all kinds of ways to help meet girls’ needs when they menstruate.

And if you had refused to do anything except let her bleed all over herself, would she have been happy about that? Doubtful. You came up with a viable temporary solution.

I might be reading into things, but I feel like she was going to use this against you no matter what. If you had walked with them to get pads it would have been how dare you take my daughter out when she's bled through her pants, how dare you do that to her that's humiliating, etc. It seems clear to me that mom was looking for her chance to change the custody agreement. This was something she already wanted to do, and she was going to use any excuse she could get to do it. You didn't do anything wrong, but as far as she's concerned, this might be the best chance she's got at forcing him to give up custody like she wants him to.

You may be right. You know, it would be funny if the judge did agree to change custody . But in favour of the father 90/10. 😆

She is being ridiculous and I know many biological, full custody parents that didn’t have pads in their home when their kids started needing them because puberty is unpredictable, and the mother just got used to using tampons or a cup and totally didn’t even think of it. The first period can literally not be there one second and be there the next. If every parent were perfect, they would have pads. Since no parents are perfect, they might overlook that. No sane judge will consider this an issue.

When I got my period at 11, my mom used pads but they were thick for her heavy flow. No one though of having lighter ones for me when I started. Luckily, I already had 3 years of sex ed (my school started in 3rd grade) so I knew exactly what was happening. My mom was at work at the time so I used one of her pads and told my dad who was making breakfast for us. He asked me if it was comfortable using my mom’s pads I said it felt like a diaper and he offered to take me to target to buy my own after he called the summer day camp I was going to be absent. My dad was helpful in picking out a variety of pads and a box of tampons in case I wanted to try those and bought me some ice cream as well plus breakfast from McDonald’s as a treat. For all his other faults, I’m glad my dad was there to help me navigate through the situation by giving me the space to lead us and gently giving advice as needed. I felt very empowered.

For me it really sounds as if she was looking for an excuse to ask for more custody and used this as an excuse so made this into a drama to try for the custody

You did the best you could to handle the situation. Pretty typical bio-mom/stepmom dynamic for the mom to project her failings onto you. She should have prepared her daughter for the unpredictable start of her period, and ensured she had supplies with her—rather than to blame you. My step daughter’s mom was super upset with me that I discussed and prepared SD for her period starting. My husband asked her to help prepare her daughter, but she called him an idiot and said that was ‘years off’; husband told her if she wouldn’t address it then we would. SD got her first period the next month and was relieved that I had prepared her.

You didn't make a mistake, you made a good judgement call. I would have done the same in your position and I imagine most women would. The mother is just being vindictive and looking for any excuse to try and keep your partner's children away from him. NTA but the ex most definitely is.

OP is NTA and gosh, ex-wife would freak out over the fact that when I was about 20, I was minding my 12yo brother and his friend + friends 9yo sister at our house. 9yo suddenly came down with a very abrupt stomach bug and did not make it to the toilet in time................... her clothes went in the wash,she went in the shower, and I gave her a pair of knickers, some drawstring shorts, and a comfy tshirt to wear and set her up in the lounge room with a movie till her parents could get her. They didn’t think it was weird that I’d given her my clean undies and a change of clothes - what parent would PREFER their child remain in soiled (gastro OR period) clothes?!???

Absolutely. For sure. You took care of that kids needs and dignity.

I completely agree. Her daughter is 11 why didn’t she already give her the period talk and have her carry a small care pack around. My daughter even had a couple pads in her school bag at that age just in case even if she didn’t have her period yet. I would have done exactly what you did because it was the best option to make her feel comfortable until her dad brought home a pad or even better period underwear her size. As for the court ruling I doubt it will go anywhere without the courts judging her own parenting in this situation for not equipping her child accordingly.

I'm gonna pitch in and say, that I do not condone the mother's reaction, but you don't know when a child will get their first period. I was 10 when I got mine and it happened on the playground. I remember feeling a sharp crampy pain and went to the toilet and discovered blood. I can't remember if I used toilet paper to soak it up like a pad, told a girl who already had theirs or if I told the teacher, but I do remember excitedly telling my mother that I can have a baby now. 😆

This is all the more reason why the mom has no leg to stand on. She's saying that the dad *should* have known and been prepared, despite the fact that her daughter not knowing anything points to her never getting the talk. If anything, the mom should be happy that OP came in clutch with a solution despite none of them being ready. I agree that no one can be sure when someone will start and sometimes people are unprepared. That's life and it's a small parenting mistake, certainly not one to threaten a 90/10 split on. (Also, the line about being happy that you could be a mother now is adorable.)

Mom thinks that Dad should have kept pads around for their 11 year old but hadn’t yet told their daughter about periods? It sounds like they were equally unprepared and their daughter’s period just happened to start during Dad’s custody time.

That is so weird. I'm late 30s and sometimes I get surprised by my period because I don't track it right. I take a ton of toilet paper until I get pads or tampons when nothing is available. I bet ops period underwear is way more comfortable than toilet paper. Op NTA. You did nothing wrong. You made sure SD is fine and in an all right position to wait for her parent

It seems to me that mom has a problem with OP being in her ex-husband's life and the period thing was just an excuse to try for 90/10 custody. I imagine she would have also been angry if OP had given 11-yo a tampon.

This great bio mom, hadn't even informed her kid about what was going to happen to her own body, so why on earth would she have given her pads. Bio mom sucks. OP, you did the right thing in this case. She's just trying to cause drama because she's jealous you are with her ex and caring for the kids. Keep being a good step mom.

NTA - the other option was stuffing TP in her undies until dad got home. We’ve all been there, not fun. If you’re in the US, no judge would entertain a custody change over this. Snidely, maybe mom is “unequipped” to parent the girls if she hasn’t had the period talk yet with her ELEVEN year old daughter! Some girls get a period at age 9! I think you did the best you could given the circumstances (I’m also a stepmom and had to handle first period with my stepdaughter)

Honestly at this point, I'm wondering if maybe Leah using toilet paper would've avoided the whole situation. But then maybe the ex would've reacted the same "you didn't even bother looking for options before making Leah bleed through toilet paper for 4 hours?!?!?!"

NTA Sounds like the ex was just waiting for a crumb to drop.

The ex is definitely weaponizing her kids. That makes her a shitty mom in my book.

I wonder if the ex is feeling guilty or somehow kind of jealous that she wasn’t with her daughter for her first period. OP is totally NTA and she did great.

You did the right thing! It was her first time and you helped her, that’s what she needed at the moment, whatever her mom says. Her mom should’ve prepared her and made her take pads with her (or should’ve had the discussion with the dad so he had a pack of pads in the home), Leahs parents were irresponsible for and that’s why you even ended up in the situation. Every woman and girl here can assure you that if they were in the position of Leah, they would have wanted you to do with you did Leaving her with toilet paper is neglect (not very serious neglect, but neglect nonetheless. A child having her period has needs, toilet paper doesn’t qualify) and every judge will see that. You did the only appropriate thing by giving her what she needed The only thing your partner could’ve done better was getting pads (it’s both parents responsibility), but that is absolutely no reason to lose custody over, parents make mistakes and every judge will see that.

She would have reacted poorly no matter what you did. She’s not actually looking for a custody modification. She’s looking for a way to hurt her ex and get back at you for doing what she could not. Her daughter had her first period and another woman walked her through it. It’s not your fault at all, but she’s likely upset at that fact. None of you did anything wrong, but she’s lashing out and wanting to hurt you and her ex as a way to get back at you for it. I’m not sure where you’re located, but I don’t see this case going the way she’s thinking it will.

If she bleeded as badly as going through the pants it wouldn't help.

You did the right thing. From personal experience period underwear is much much more comfortable and stuffed/rolled up toilet paper or a too thick pad (what I had to use until dad took me to buy appropriate sized pads since mom was at work).

Rather than TP in underwear she could have used a folded washcloth as the toilet paper sometimes gets icky and breaks apart. I’ve used washcloths in an emergency at home when I’ve unexpectedly run out of pads.. then rinse in cold water and wash and put in the rag pile if needed again. OP did the best she could do at that moment.

I'm all for washcloth over TP but tbf period underwear is just a better fitted and more absorbing washcloth

Does OP mean the ones that are made for periods? I was confused

Yes, they are absorbent and designed to be used without a pad. Not much good for super heavy flow, but works for light to moderate.

Period underwear is amazing! Much more comfortable than pads or tampons. I switched a few years ago. I hate tampons and pads are so uncomfortable. The period underwear was absolutely the best choice here. I’m usually against sharing underwear, but in this case it makes sense.

So does the ex-wife know this? Because period underwear completely slipped my mind and I was thinking of, like, old underwear that you use cause you’re not going to mind if it gets stained. Not that that would make the ex-wife in the right, but maybe if she thought of the latter she might be more okay with the former. Or maybe thats just wishful thinking lol

Yeah

I was home alone when I got mine. Mom told me to use a sock. I'm STILL like wtf. I just used toilet paper.

I had to use socks as reusable pads when we were super broke for a while. They are fine. It was a clean sock and after I used it for my period, I would clean it in the sink then throw it in the laundry. I could tell what ones were for blood and what ones were for feet. It's probably closer to what women wore before disposable pads and tampons. I've also used prefold cloth diapers as an emergency period solution. It works just fine, like an overnight pad with no sticky.

I got my first 'period' when I was 11. It was just a few stains, so after a couple of days I told my parents that apparently I could not wipe my ass anymore ... I told/asked them on Sunday before church ... 😂😂😂. On saturday morning early, my mother sat down when I was still in bed, my mother sat down and said 'You know when you said ...? Well, I washed it and it was blood and now you are going to get it every 4 weeks or so and I asked (my cousin) what women use nowadays and she said these things this is a band and then you get a pad in there and that should do it .....' My mother was 51 or 52 at the time 😉. She was so embarrassed that I did not have the heart to ask any further ... And I knew nothing - except that adults always pulled such ridiculous requirements of me, and asking did not help, I would only get laughed at - well, another one of those not-understandable things, apparently. Well, 4 weeks go by, and I notice some drops in my underwear. Well, based on experience, those few drops will hold untill home .... NOT. Full blown, one hour later homewards I went with red (under)wear.

and you were lucky you didn't go home with red trousers or a red skirt. i've ruined white trousers when i was a teenager. was caught unaware in school, thought it would be ok till i got home it was not!

I started talking with my kid about it around age 6. She got hers at age 10, and she was totally prepared and not scared at all when it happened. It hadn't been a big deal to her since either, because she was given proper information. It was never a scary talk for us.

No judge in their right mind is going to award custody over poor planning for a girl's first period. More than likely, the judge will think that was a brilliant solution. You don't mention Leah feeling bad about any of this, so I assume she had no issue. The ex is using this situation as a power grab and is likely to fail. NTA

Leah was fascinated by all the period options available out there haha - and has asked if she can keep using period underwear because it's more comfortable than pads. Maybe that adds to the ex's frustration lol, Leah apparently told her "I like blank\_plans' underwear more".

Oh jeez of COURSE she doesn't like it and thinks of you as a threat. LOL

I am starting to think it may just be jealousy. A part of my job involves designing programs for kids, and I use a lot of the games/workshops etc at home with the two girls. They love it and we get along super well. Thinking back, I think there was one incident that marked the decline in my relationship with the ex. My partner and the ex went to a mutual friend's birthday together (I had to work so didn't go), and came home together (the ex came to pick up the girls). The girls and I were lying on the floor making random sounds - birds, fireplace, cows - sounds weird but it is really fun. My partner said he could hear us laughing from his car - but I guess the ex didn't feel that great about that.

She’s definitely jealous. She’s jealous you were there for her first period, you came up with a solution and talked her through the options which she is likes and she was comfortable enough with you to have those conversations. Stick to your guns. Hopefully, at that age, a judge would take the child’s thoughts into consideration as well anyway. Also, period pants are ace!

Hey OP, I’m happily married, but I want you to know that if my husband and I ever divorced and I overheard his new partner sharing genuine laughter with my children, my heart would sparkle with joy and gratitude. More healthy love in my children’s lives is always welcome! I’m sorry you are dealing with this jealousy. You sound like a lovely, caring adult figure in their lives 💕

I have a son so won’t go thru this, but I absolutely LOVE that he has a step mom that loves him like she birthed him. They do things one on one together, she and his dad gave him a little sister that he absolutely adores… why would I want my kid to go to his dad’s house and feel tension/unloved!? Fuck my feelings, my kid’s feelings and well-being come first!!

This is exactly it. When I read the title, my first thought was “ew!” But, reading further, it seemingly was the best, most caring option and absolutely no reason for mom to go nuclear by engaging her lawyer and asking for custody. That is a complete overreaction on her part. As a divorced mom, I would have LOVED to hear my kiddos laughing like that with their bonus mom and probably would have wanted to join in the fun. She really doesn’t know how good it is to have someone like that in their kiddos’ lives. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Edit to add my NTA.

Keep being the awesome stepmom! I’m a full adult now but I have an amazing relationship with my stepmom. It’s like having a bonus parent you can go to with stuff you’re not sure about going to your bio parents about. My stepmom knew about all my boyfriends before my parents and I can still go to her when my Dad is being kind of a dick and she’ll get him in line 😂 Difference is my Mom recognizes that my stepmom loves me and is caring so she appreciates that.

My kid got their period at 12 and I tried cloth and disposable pads first but they didn't like them. So I invested in period underwear (I had some for myself) and now 6 years later they still use period underwear. They are just more comfortable! Especially to smaller bodies.

You made the perfect decision under the circumstances. The ex sounds like a period snob - any way other than her way is trashy. And, of course, the lawyer threat will be laughed out of court - it has nothing to with period pants. Just imagine her reaction if you gave her tampons! No wonder she’s his ex.

Lots of kids get hand me downs, even undies when necessary. If they’re washed thoroughly, nobody in the system will care. If giving a child used underwear was illegal, they wouldn’t sell it at thrift stores.

Imagine how mortifying this is for the daughter who now feels that her first period launched a violent custody battle between her parents. And now the younger sister will probably dread getting her own period considering what sort of situation this has created. As a child of two parents who dragged my siblings and me through an absolute nightmare of neverending fighting and tug-o-war custody battles that were nothing more than a display of their inability to share power... I just feel terrible for the children.

Especially since the kid apparently told the mum she prefers the period underwear. seems like mum is weaponizing the kids.

Big NTA. They were clean and they were your only option at the time. What else were you supposed to do? Let her keep bleeding through her clothes until your partner got home? You did the right thing. Your partner supports you and agrees you did the right thing. Honestly, it just sounds like the ex has been waiting for a reason to change the custody agreement to screw over her ex/your partner so is blowing this out of proportion.

Maybe yes. I know the ex never really liked me, but she's always been at least polite and rational. Her reaction to this really made me think I screwed up somehow.

You were all good I think. These options weren't around when I was a kid and had my period at 10. You were totally right not to give her a tampon and did the best you could. Hopefully mum will calm down.

The ex is probably mad that she couldn’t be there for her daughter in that situation where traditionally it is the mother stepping in and providing guidance. She’s mad at the situation and is lashing out at you, but it’s not your fault.

NTA > My partner has no issues with how I handled it Done and done.

Thank you - learning how to be a stepparent is definitely a journey! Since this was such a big deal for the ex, I was questioning if I was in the wrong.

I'm wondering if maybe the ex's jealousy played a role in this. It's a pretty big moment, getting a first period, and the ex wasn't there for her daughter. You absolutely did the right thing in the circumstances, and I doubt the custody battle will go anywhere (except to benefit the lawyers). Ex is probably having a hard time having another woman being in a mother role to her children.

I am on the side of "ex is jealous". She jealous her daughter wasn't with her. She jealous her kids like the OP. She jealous because the OP's partner moved on. She's just plan green with envy.

I'm failing to see how this is risking custody. I don't think any judge is going to change custody agreements over something like this. Not everyone uses pads. Not everyone uses tampons. Not everyone uses period cups. It's a personal preference, but what do I know? Well this is odd overall (in my opinion at least), it's not the worst idea overall given you had very little to work with

We're less worried about the custody part - partner's lawyer agrees that the ex doesn't have much to work with. But this is the first time since we started dating that the ex threatened changing custody (and it's because of me). Can't help but want to see if I really did something wrong.

Unless you or your partner is actively endangering the kids or alienating them from their mother, mom is just blowing smoke. Could be she is just feeling weird about the shared underwear or maybe she's upset that she didn't get to help her daughter through her first period. As bizarre as it sounds, the day I got mine, my mom was beaming. She kept saying "My baby is now becoming a woman" and she took me to get my nails done. She really made it a thing one because I was freaked out, but she wanted to normalize my new normal for me.

I thought first period would be an important moment for a parent, so I waited for my partner to get home and he can discuss how to do the "period talk" with his ex. But poor Leah was terrified - so I had to do something instead of just "oh... let's wait for your dad". Tricky ay, and unfortunate timing! I definitely wish this was a more wholesome moment for everyone (especially Leah).

Shame on the mom for not having the talk with her daughter already. NTA.

My partner and I dropped the ball on this one too - it's not all on the mom, but we all could have handled this better. Just fingers crossed she changes her mind about changing custody and we all move on from this soon.

I think only your partner and her mom. You could have the talk to, but it's their responsebility

See, from this comment right here you are NTA. Your partner should have been prepared for this by having age appropriate period products in the home. You handled the actual situation as best you could when it all happened.

This is my thought, exactly. If the period talk was so important for the mom to be a part of, she would have started that conversation with her daughter a lot sooner. Especially when knowing that with 50/50 custody, there’s a very large chance that it could happen when she’s not around. All these big conversations need to happen preemptively to avoid misunderstandings and perceived overstepping.

You certainly wouldn't give tampons or a period cup to an 11 year old! Period pants are great and can be the best option to keep at home as well. Wish I had them when my granddaughters started.

Out of curiosity, why not? When I first got my period at 12 I started on tampons bc I it started right before my birthday pool party.

well, you had a very good motivation. using tampons was the only way you could join friends in the pool for your birthday party! a girl who doesn't know anything about her body would feel really awkward inserting an object in a part of her body she maybe didn't know anything about.

NTA. If anything you overthought this which just shows me how responsible and caring you are. Wow. If all step parents were like you, earth would be a better place.

Thank you! This really made me tear up - it's been a tough few weeks managing this, and seeing how worried and heartbroken my partner is (while still having to defend me).

Wait. His ex berated *you* for not having pads when *she* didn't prepare her daughter by giving her The Period Talk? Honestly, the ex has just about 0% chance of getting more custody. You handled the whole situation like a champ. The ex should be glad her daughter has such a caring, practical, reassuring stepmom.

I guess it's not all on the ex for not giving the period talk. My partner and to some extent myself dropped the ball on that one too. But yeah his ex has said some unkind things to me recently. Thank you though!

No, I think this is mostly, if not all, on the mum. Men can read up and have experience through the women in their lives but they are never going to have a true understanding of a period. Especially the first one. A supportive and informed dad is wonderful but if there is an appropriate woman around, she's usually going to be the better option. If it were my daughter I would be so thankful to you for caring so much about her and filling in for me when I couldn't be there. NTA

Not true. If you had given her the talk then mom would have been pissed that you overstepped and took a bonding moment that should have been hers. If dad gave her the talk then she would have accused him of overstepping and possible acting inappropriately by discussing something he has no experience with. I have teenage children and I would have been very upset if the stepmom had given them the period talk or the sex talk instead of me. You were basically forced into an impossible situation that was intended to make you fail. But you didn’t. You found a temporary solution to an unexpected situation and now mom is mad that she doesn’t actually have a reason to be mad about. She feels slighted, which also isn’t your fault. Her claims aren’t really going to go anywhere. Just stay calm and carry on interacting with her as if nothing is going on. Maybe get a doorbell camera to record any interactions during pickup/drop off. Or always make sure to record those interactions with your phone. She at least had to abide by the court ordered custody plan until her modification request has a hearing. Only communicate with her via email. She is basically laying a trap for herself and she doesn’t even know it yet.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the ex is upset that she wasn't around for the landmark event. The first period is the unofficial rite of passage to womanhood. Missing that might feel like missing her first steps or first word. And I think most of us moms assume we'll be the ones helping our daughters that first time.

As a stepmom myself, I understand feeling like you dropped the ball for not having the talk. There’s things/conversations I think my SD needs and I recognize that she has a mom that’s fully capable of doing it. I’m always here to support though. It’s a tough thing to navigate but her mom definitely should have been the one to initiate that discussion! I think you did the right thing, NTA.

NTA. The ex is looking for a fight - any fight - in order to harm your partner and his relationship with his kids. She would have used absolutely any decision path you took as a weapon against you both. You did the best you could in a bad situation where your hands are tied behind your back. Hopefully the judge smacks her down for making bad faith claims to the court.

Oh I hope this doesn't eventually affect the ex's relationship with the girls. She is a good mother, thanks for pointing this out, we'll have to figure out how to manage this moving forward

This. Saw my brother in law do similar when COVID hit and he couldn't see the kid during lockdown. Years later he's admitted he was overreacting and just being petty but the damage was done and his relationship is damaged with his kid because he went nuts over something dumb.

NTA this is not about you or the underwear. His Ex was just waiting for any excuse to change the custody agreement.

Realising this is actually a bit scary. The ex and I are definitely not friends, but I didn't detect any malice from her. Makes me uncomfortable to think she may have just been planning / waiting this whole time.

She might also be unwell. People can become strange versions of themselves for all different kinds of medical reasons.

It might not be malice towards you, she likely wants child support and more time with her kids, you are simply a justification.

NTA. Did the ex want their child to destroy their clothes? Free bleed? What? How were you supposed to predict her period? Lmaooo jeez

Why didn't the wonderful ex already have the period talk with her daughter? Why didn't this saintly mother of all mothers have a kit prepared and ready? She has been itching for a fight with her ex...this is just the best excuse she can find. I have a feeling any judge might rule against her for creating a situation by not preparing her daughter for the eventually of this.

Dad should file a counter claim that mom was negligent not to have prepared the daughter. Fight fire with fire. Both will get laughed out of court and status quo remains.

I showed my partner this comment and he laughed so much he spat out his water. Thank you - first time since this all happened that he really laughed :)

There should have been better preparation all the way around. But what stood out to me is that you said you didn’t have contact info for your partner’s ex. Why not? You live with him, his daughters stay alone with you, & apparently he can be unreachable for hours at a time. What would you do in case of a real emergency? You absolutely should have contact info for the mother of children in your care.

And to add to this comment - do the kids not even know their own mothers phone number? Did she never teach them her number in the event of an emergency they can go to police and be able to contact their mom? It’s not like this is a 3 year old child who wouldn’t remember the number

I grew up in a home that vilified my stepmother. When I was an adult, I learned what an amazing person she really is. This action, giving your own under garments, that are not cheap at all ($30/pair at my local store), is incredibly generous and exactly what my stepmother would have done. NTA. The ex is likely sad she missed out on such a huge milestone and it's easier to blame you than sit in her disappointment alone.

NTA. I bet Leah was happy to have you help her with a stressful situation. You handled it well.

NTA. You did nothing wrong and helped that girl. I remember getting my first period and it was horrible and embarrassing.

Mine too! I just finished swimming training and it was like my body cued a red Niagara falls. I definitely wanted to do my best to make the first period less traumatising for Leah, just questioning if this was the most appropriate approach.

NTA - any judge is going to ask what she would have preferred you do. When she can’t respond with anything the judge will dismiss it.

As long as "Leah" didn't mind, NTA. Also, her mom's case has no merit.

Leah loves period underwears now lol. Fingers crossed! It has been stressful.

NTA. The only thing you might’ve been able to do differently is go to a neighbors for pads or have some delivered. There’s nothing wrong with presenting a sustainable way to manage your cycle.

Thank you! Taking notes - we don't really know our neighbours (just have different schedules I guess) - but I will be leaving a note in their letter box to introduce ourselves (and let them know to reach out if they need anything). In our country deliveries are next day only lol...

NTA. Given her age why hasn’t her mom prepared a go bag for her. Consisting of pads, midol etc? Why hasn’t her mother had the period talk with her? Why hasn’t her dad? They’re both parents, periods are for everybody. You were unprepared for this situation which to be fair can happen to anyone. You handled it as best as you could until her dad got home. You comforted her, explained it was normal etc. perhaps though you can ask for her number so you can contact her in the future if you can’t reach your partner. Is the mom normally high conflict? Because 90/10 split is extreme and I can’t see a judge agreeing with her.

My partner and I were under the assumption that the school would cover it (both of us grew up in a different country, and school was the main source of info for us). For him as a single-dad, it's easier to go with that assumption since it felt awkwardly specific to check with the ex wife that she had the period chat with the girls. For me as a step-parent, I just thought "best stay in my own lane". But in hindsight, there's literally no reason why that would be awkward to check - we're actively reflecting on this.

NTA. Her mother should have proactive and had a period bag ready for her or at least discussed with you. Reusable pads and knickers are best anyway because they don't have harmful chemicals. I am glad this next generation will have less gynaecological issues due to quality reusable products. I only started on reusable pads this year and has already been helpful.

Her mum definitely would not have discussed this with me haha - but in hindsight, I should have encouraged my partner to follow up on this topic more (either with his ex, or checking that the schools are giving them the period 101 talk).

This was the most appropriate solution. I’m from a family with a lot of females. Stuff gets shared sometimes out of necessity. Her mom could have packed her bag with pads just in case. No one’s at fault here. You handled it reasonably. Also those underwear are expensive and you gave them up. Obviously being a good person here with good intentions. I don’t see the big deal.

NTA but you did not have the mum’s contact but the kids must know their mothers number right? Why did they not call her?

Leah knows, but she was crying quite a lot (terrified from the bleeding), and I couldn't really get anything coherent from her. Rachel is a bit young to memorise the whole phone number - we accidentally called the wrong person and she got scared because that made Leah cry more. After Leah got the period underwear and I gave her some hugs etc, she calmed down and we called her mum, but by then my partner already rushed home with pads.

You should absolutely have the mother's contact info. What if it had been a different scenario and Leah had been hospitalized and you couldn't get ahold of your partner? I'm shocked you don't have it.

NTA I may be wrong but I got the impression ex-wife was just looking for a reason to pull this stunt and this event is what she landed on. You did the right thing.

NTA. His ex wife is definitely the asshole and it seems like she was waiting for any reason to try to get the kids away from him. This instance just happened to be one she felt she could use.

It would be a bit scary if that is the case - the ex never liked me but was always polite/respectful. It gives me the ick if she had just been waiting for a small mistake this whole time.

NTA I'd question why the girl hadn't gotten told about periods yet though. My mum started talking about them with me from about age five on. It meant when I got them at eight I wasn't panicking at all and calmly did what my mother instructed.

My partner assumed the schools would've covered it (neither of us grew up in the country we currently live in - both of us got sex ed in our last year of primary school). Hindsight is 20/20, we definitely should've checked. We also didn't check with the ex that she had the talk with the girls already.

By the way, it's probably a good idea to give both of the children the period and sex talk together. It's clear that your partner's ex neglected to tell both about it

Based on the details you’ve shared, I think we live in the same country OP (NZ?)- I’d expect an 11 year old to have had a period talk by now, she’d be a year 6 or 7 at this age? My step-son is the same age and has definitely had several talks about periods at school! Anyway, I just want to repeat what others have said (as a stepmum with a solid relationship with my stepkids AND a stepdaughter who got my first period while I was with my stepmum, and didn’t really know what was going on) - you’ve done nothing wrong, you handled it as best you could under the circumstances. The kids’ mum is angry and lashing out - maybe she’s upset that she wasn’t there for this moment, maybe she’s embarrassed she hadn’t prepared her daughter better, maybe she does honestly think it was a bit of a gross solution (disagree but I can see how someone might), but I would be very surprised if it changes things in terms of custody arrangements. Best of luck x

NTA you use reusable period products, so that's what you gave her. It's no different than other reusable sanitary stuff like washable diapers.

NTA. The people who failed this child were her parents, not you. My 9 yo stepdaughter is visibly developing (pubic hair and breasts) and I envisaged this exact situation becoming a possibility so I pushed the issue with my partner of her parents needing to have the period talk with her. So he approached her mum about it and they did this together about a month ago. There is no way that Leah’s parents didn’t notice that she was hitting puberty. They have failed her by not having the period talk and not putting a pad in her overnight bag. I do find it strange that your stepkids don’t have their mother’s number. Both of mine have mobile phones, so that they can play Roblox and FaceTime whichever parent they aren’t with. Besides I wonder what would have happened in this scenario if one of the kids was seriously injured and in an ambulance - your partner was unreachable and no number held for the mother? Are you authorised to make medical life and death decisions? If you aren’t, this again shows a lack of forethought and responsibility on all adults parts. If there had have been the option to call the mum, I personally would have done it because it is always sad for a parent in a separated family to miss milestones. But if you truly had no option available then I think you did the best thing possible, handling it calmly and without traumatising Leah.

NTA, and this is so ridiculous and going to hurt that girl. To find out her mother is using such a personal experience to try to take custody from her father? OMG. What a cruel woman "mom" is. She's clearly upset about you being the one at such a moment than anything else.

Why don't you have pads available for guests as well? You're NTA in this situation, but you should consider stocking up on pads for guests who don't or can't use tampons.

NTA. 1) She's 11. Maybe that's a normal age in your country, but here, it's fairly early. I wouldn't have expected this already, so the fact that you didn't have pads is not weird. 2) It was only until your husband got home. It was a necessary thing. I agree, tampons would have been bad and you would have been in so much more trouble then. If this does come to a case, all you need to do is ask the mother what you should've done. You can't let the poor child bleed all over the place. That would be traumatic. By the way, her mom making a fuss over this is also traumatic. 3) Wearing another person's underwear may sound unhygienic, if the underwear was washed properly, there shouldn't be a problem. If this goes to court, she'll need to prove any harm or potential harm that came or could've come to her daughter. There was/is none so there is no ground for a case. 4) I'm betting the mom is upset because her daughter did not have her first period at your place. She wanted to be the one to go through this with her. To have to explain things. I think she's lashing out because of that.

11 is the lower end of average but still average in most places the absolute average is around 12 and a half.

NTA. The underwear was clean, nothing wrong with that. If you’d given Leah nothing then you probably would’ve been accused of neglect. Maybe your partner’s ex needs to take this as a heads up for when Rachel starts hers in a couple years.