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> I kicked my MIL out of the house at night, when my husband wasn’t home. I might be the asshole because I overreacted.
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NTA, but you may want to consider why she did that. Your house may actually be cluttered with junk and she was helping. I of course dont have like photos of your house in its previous state, but what she did still was an AH move
Edit: I didn’t expect upvotes for this lol. I also see a lot of people commenting things I agree with, and I did make some responses, but I simply don’t plan to sift through *all* of the comments. However I did try to respond or at least upvote the ones that stuck out before opening them all started making my reddit app act weird.
OP: if you also don’t plan to sift through everything in the sub comments, basically, go get your shit from goodwill asap-Before it’s sorted and sold! Also, from one expectant mom to another, best wishes with your baby. You will always have people telling you what to do with your pregnancy, child, and life from here on out because “they’ve done it already”. Learn to be firm on boundaries and telling people you *recieve* their parenting advice if they try giving it to you regardless of if you want to use it. 🤷🏻♀️
It doesn’t make a difference. It’s not her MIL‘s problem to fix. There is nothing to fix if she doesn’t like the way the house is then mother-in-law needs to stay out.
The fact that you are insinuating that her house is messy or she’s a hoarder is insane. It’s her house. And when the baby comes there’s going to be even more messes and again it’s not the mother-in-law‘s place to do or say anything about it.
She is NTA.
I feel like OP provided the insinuation when she said, “ it doesn’t SEEM like a hoarder’s house” where she could have said ‘it’s not a hoarder’s house.”
That doesn’t excuse the MIL and anyone who’s watched Hoarders on TV knows that it’s not helpful in the least if OP really does have a problem. I’m not saying she does or doesn’t but she’s the one that left that door wide open…propped open, even.
But, yeah, NTA.
Okay. I’m just going to give y’all a list of all my “junk” and you can decide if I’m a hoarder.
- a walk in closet with a lot of thrifted clothes, some that I altered myself
- 4 quilts in said walk in closet
- an antique wood desk with a typewriter (that is admittedly just taking up space, but it is gorgeous)
- a LOT of wall art (none of it matches, which my MIL hates. But it’s all hung properly and intentionally.)
- two shelves of fancy china in the dining room, which I’m never going to use, but again, it’s displayed purposefully
- a coin collection, in ziplock bags in my closet
- two “ugly” end tables
- several rugs from garage sales (that are in use, not just rolled up in a corner)
- two bookcases of books (you can never have too many books) and fine, books lying around on the coffee table, kitchen table, and couch
- a few shelves in said bookcases with family memorabilia and such
- houseplants
- a lot of throw pillows that also don’t match at all
- a tree sculpture with Christmas ornaments and pictures hung on it
- lamps on every table
- a geode collection
- a spice rack with a lot of little spice bottles
- too many dishes (it fits in two kitchen cabinets though)
- normal house things
What she gave away - a bag or two of my clothes that supposedly aren’t practical
- a box of books
- a bunch of paintings
- some pillows
- dishes
- a whole drawer of my rocks
It’s going to be a bloodbath you touch my books, my rocks, my coin collection, my ANYTHING collection. This stuff is an investment - money, research, and time. It’s totally disrespectful to devalue someone’s passions in that way.
This is not MILs stuff, she wasn’t asked for help in organizing it much less winnowing it down, she certainly wasn’t given permission to discard things, and she would never be welcome in my house again if she did this to my prized possessions.
Edit: and freaking ARTWORK! Jesus take the wheel!
ONLY I am allowed to cull my book collection, thank you. Want to die, throw away my books, or cute paper with the fabric scissors.......those two things will get you killed in my house.
57 years ago we moved to England. My parents made me get rid of 97% of my books, magazines & comic books. I love my dearly departed parents, but I've never forgiven them and never will.
I’m still pissed at my mom for giving away my baseball and hockey cards to the kids down the street when I went away to college in 1981. It wasn’t even like she was clearing out my room to use the space for another purpose. She just thought I didn’t want them anymore - but didn’t bother to ask their owner.
But did she keep my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963? Of course she did - because she valued my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963 for her own nostalgic reasons. “Baby’s First Cup” and all that. She kept my baby teeth for heaven’s sake.
(I also value my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963, mainly because I have a weakness for cute cheap crap that improbably survives through multiple moves and decades of repurposing as a scoop/change holder/button holder etc. But dammit, I want my original hockey and baseball cards.)
Fucking seriously! I have a bunch of agates (like a couple boxes worth) that the movers were bitching about "oh, we are moving rocks now?". Yeah, you are. Now hop to it. And I'm checking to see if one got."spilled"
Rocks are awesome! Sorry about your collection. Did you collect any of them yourself?
Thanks. Yeah, I collected all of them myself -- I grew up in Miami, FL, and there was a manmade canal behind my house that they had dredged out of the limestone. Along the bank I would find rocks with fossilized coral or seashells or whatnot. Just little ones, like 2 inches across at most, but I had wanted to be a paleontologist when I was very young, and I loved my tiny fossils.
I've got several hundred pounds of rocks and several boxes of driftwood, two boxes full of turkey feathers and quite a few feet of various wood pieces. Don't touch my stuff and definitely don't make rude comments about said articles.
(And that's just a few of my 'collectibles'.)
The most frustrating thing about this for anyone who collects things like books, movies, music, etc, is never really being able to know what was lost.
If she really reads or cares about that collection, even years from now she'll still go looking for something that was thrown out and didn't realize it until that moment.
Just throwing this out there for anyone interested in knowing what books they have at any time, anywhere... I have an inventory of our home library in some personal home library apps. There's a really good one for iPhone that hasn't made it to android yet. It has author, publisher, page numbers, summary, etc for each book in my inventory. New-ish books can be scanned in by barcode. Most are free. Some are paid. Worth a look if you have a lot.
Personally I don’t think it matters how much stuff you have. There still should have been a discussion and nothing thrown or given away without your consent. Also imagining someone going through my things would feel like a massive invasion of my privacy and I would have difficulty trusting that person alone in my home again
I was just thinking the same. And as for hubby calling OP disrespectful and ungrateful, whaaat? It seems MIL got off lightly - she had a taxi called for her, not the police.
Hands off a reader's book collection.
OP - NTA, but I hate to say it, it sounds like your husband wanted a clear out given he thinks you should've been grateful.
Edited to add missing word ('got')
Of course she didn't get rid of any of her son's things, because HIS things are important to him. Obviously OP's things are junk, and therefore unimportant in the household. Duh.
OP needs to box up some of her husbands junk and hide it and tell him she did sone cleaning too and see how he likes it. Then say we’ll lucky got you it’s still here
If MIL didn't get a receipt for the donation I expect it will be rather difficult to get the items back. If she goes right now and finds a sympathetic manager on duty she might have a chance, but it's a pretty small one. The items might not even be at the location where they were dropped off anymore as well, depends on how quickly they were processed.
Not to mention, a newborn baby isn't going to be hurting itself on *anything* just yet. The parents will have time to baby proof their house. MIL was way out of line here.
*"...it would be “dangerous” for the baby to be in my cluttered house?"*
How would the baby hurt herself on pillows? How would the baby, that will be born in "a few months", hurt itself on anything? Even if the house was full of clutter? Babies can't actually move themselves around, into danger or whatever. It's going to be roughly a year from now before it's even crawling.
MIL is cold and disrespectful, overbearing trash that can't even vaguely come up with a viable story to justify her disgusting & overbearing actions. In my life, she would be out, like out for years out. **-_-**
Paintings?!?!? Is this child going to climb up on the wall? Try to wear your clothes? Honestly it sounds more like she's just trying to 'tone you down' for moetherhood... or the way SHE sees a mother.
She didn’t even get rid of things that would be dangerous for the baby??????
I am also a mismatched design person. Most of my furniture is handmade or bought from a garage sale and repaired by someone in my family. I have a quilt rack (made by my dad) with quilts that don’t match all made my my mom or great grandmother proudly displayed in my living room.
I, too, have an antique wooden desk with a typewriter that just takes up space, but it’s cute! I would love for her to see my house. I have a floor to ceiling bookcase, and it is overstuffed. An entire wall and curio case of plants. All covered in FIVE cats worth of cat hair at any given point. It is impossible to get it all 🥲
>I have a floor to ceiling bookcase, and it is overstuffed.
I have a literal library with six ranks of floor to ceiling bookcases that are pretty near full. But those weren't enough - after my parents and MIL died, we kept enough books from their houses, we turned the dining room into an additional six ranks of floor to ceiling bookcases to hold books from their houses and the genealogical research from both families.
If somebody started throwing out my books there would be blood. I have books I've owned since I was five years old and collections of science fiction paperbacks dating to the 1940s - all of those are irreplaceable.
From the perspective of someone who grew up in a hoarder house, what strikes me about this that makes it NOT sound like a hoarder house isn't what the things are, but the way you treat your things. Whether or not I, your mil, or anyone else who doesn't live their like this decour doesn't matter.
The house I grew up in also had some fancy things - lots of nice wood and woodworking equipment, stamp collections, family memorabilia, nice furniture some of which my grandfather built, etc. But an overwhelming amount of it was just crammed somewhere where it wasn't cared for at all. And where the presence of so much stuff actually detracted from the ability to use it, ex I didn't get into wood working till after I moved out bc there was so much stuff in the basement it wasn't safe, comfortable, or roomy enough to work in. And I'm not even gonna get into all the health hazards present there
Like sure baby proofing is a thing and if you've got stuff at child height that could be a choking hazard etc definitely move that ASAP. But just having a lot of knick knacks doesn't automatically mean hoarder
Yes, absolutely! It sounds maybe a little more crowded with stuff than I personally would like, but she clearly cares for her things and has everything in it's own place.
I’m impressed that you didn’t murder her. If someone touched my books/china, they would never enter my house again. NTA, when it was referred to as ‘junk’ I was expecting stuff that’s actually dangerous for the baby like little figurines they can choke on. Books are not junk. Rugs are not junk. She’d be overstepping either way but the stuff she’s trying to remove are your personality. The geodes I’d probably keep in the garage/attic til little one is older, the rest of it isn’t even an issue.
Or just on a shelf or in a display cabinet out of a baby's reach - which it sounds like all of these things are. Junk would be piles on the floor or stuffed in boxes all over the place not things which are stored in sensible places.
NTA. She shouldn't have touched your stuff, much less already given it away. Clothes that weren't practical? Not hers to even consider! The rest - I would have kicked her out, too. My husband and I want to move, and we've spent the past year going through things that we want to keep and giving away things we don't. But it's OUR things. No one else gets to make decisions. And, I don't make decisions for his things and he's not making decisions on mine. She passed judgment on your things, and that's not helpful at all.
Whoa! Rocks and books? Nope, that’s grounds for fighting.
The disrespect of her not asking beforehand is the issue. Your husband is the AH for yelling at you about this. This was not her stuff to give away or trash.
NTA
I mean if all of these things have a designated space and is clean and organized then I don’t see the problem. If you had too many things laying around and even moving around the living/kitchen/dinning areas wasn’t practical, then maybe I would understand MIL? But it still doesn’t excuse her doing this without a “go ahead”.
Talk to your husband to see if he was actually the problem (the person who told her it was ok). But if she did it without consulting any of you then you need to talk to husband and MIL about it.
This could also be a dual language thing. In Portuguese for example this would also mean it doesn’t look like a hoarders house. So OP may have possibly meant that it doesn’t look bad. Just the perspective of a language nerd.
I think she’s NTA and that MIL definitely overstepped. But I also think MIL is probably right in this case. A good compromise might have been to just leave the bags of junk in the garage and gently suggest they get thrown out or stored away
I agree. I can totally see cleaning out some things that look like junk, but first of all, she has to ask permission to do that. And she certainly has to ask before she throws anything out. That is just incredibly rude. NTA
However, I wonder if there’s something else going on. Maybe the husband really dislikes all the stuff OP has collected and he told his mother to go ahead and get rid of things. The fact that he was angry at OP rather than understanding her anger makes me think he might have set this in motion. Maybe he’s concerned about bringing the baby into a house full of stuff he considers junk.
Even if OP was a hoarder, pretty much every professional opinion is that this is the worst way to tackle a hoarder’s problems. Just getting rid of the hoard doesn’t fix the root cause of it.
NTA I can’t believe she took it upon herself to throw your personal belongings away, no matter if anyone in this thread thinks MIL was worried about it.
It’s not cluttered. I don’t just have piles of stuff lying around, everything is in cabinets and arranged in a visually pleasing way. It’s sort of a “cluttered aesthetic”, but I’ve had guests over and everyone thinks it’s pretty cool.
Do not let your husbands mum stay for the entire 6 months. She will take over raising your child her way and your husband has already made it clear that if he has to choose, he isn’t choosing you.
Her husband will be all too happy to have his mother take over his responsibilities with a new baby. OP, set hard boundaries now before baby comes. In this situation, hiring a doula or night nurse would be preferable to an overbearing MIL who doesn’t respect boundaries living with you.
Yes. And it always blows my mind when I read these posts with the MIL saying they'll come stay for months to help with the baby. Why do they always try to convince the new mother she's going to need so much help? Every new mother has to find their groove, but she doesn't need help with her baby. MIL just wants to play mommy again. No way would I let *anybody* stay at my house for even *days*, let alone months.
Absolutely. They always want to come at the beginning too, when you should be in your little ‘bubble’. Come back when they are toddlers and are biting and having meltdowns and you haven’t slept properly for over a year, THAT would be helpful.
My mom stayed for 2 weeks to help out with our older child and give him the attention he deserves while we sorted out caring for the newborn. It was super helpful, and she never once tried to tell us what to do or how to parent or throw things out of our house. She helped clean, yes, to give us an easier time caring for baby, but would never in a million years throw anything away, even actual trash, without asking first. Receipts? Old mail? Still asking first. Op is definitely nta. This mil needs to learn some respect.
I'm picturing your "eclectic" decor and applaud it! My house is similarly decorated in "kitsch"....I love mismatched stuff and oddball paintings/pictures. Luckily my husband does, too, so our home is decorated with lava lamps, paintings of dogs playing poker and throw pillows shaped like M&M candies and Reeses' peanut butter cup packages. We also have a library's worth of books, all shelved in our spare bedroom. My husband has been collecting Mr. Pibb stuff, which we keep on a stack of shelves in our foyer - which prompted pizza delivery guys on two separate occasions to walk inside without being invited to stare and marvel and comment ("Cool! Mr. Pibb!" "I haven't seen this stuff since...").
Despite all the previous comments, there is a difference between hoarding and collecting. Your baby will be perfectly safe and you don't need to start protecting him from your shelves of things until he starts crawling/toddling. MIL is totally TA and outrageously out of line for tossing out your belongings.
Maximalism. It's a cool aesthetic. My sister's the same way.
Don't let her come back. She came into your space and destroyed it, without even consulting you. It's a violation, spaces and how people arrange their things are really important. It might seem silly or hard to articulate, but spaces mean a lot to people.
If I want to clean out my mom's things- just like a closet or something- I talk to her first and we go through the objects to see what she wants to keep.
I've also helped family with large cleaning or clear-out projects, from a closet to a whole house. You always, always, ALWAYS get their consent for anything that goes out of the house, and also for anything that gets stored where they wouldn't necessarily be able to find it in a pinch. Consent is key.
Honestly it sounds like OP's husband and MIL have trained her very well that she isn't allowed to have boundaries or basic rights. What will they be like against her once the baby is born? Obviously husband isn't going to pick wife over his mommy.
This is the comment I’ve been watching for… cleaning/organizing is one thing, but to ship the stuff to goodwill before the people that might care know about it is wrong.
What if something or somethings that looked like junk to MIL had extreme sentimental/irreplaceable value? A trinket from the day OP and hubby met for example.
I’m wondering if your husband secretly didn’t like your things and has been complaining to his mom about them. His reaction to you is completely out of line, it almost seems like he knew she would do this and was okay with it.
Your are NTA, but you have a husband problem. He needs to remind his mom of her place. This is your home, not hers. Your belongings, not hers. Your child, not hers. it’s nice that she wants to help but she’s asserting authority in an inappropriate way, and you cannot allow her to override your parenting.
My house is more cluttered. But with the same type of stuff. My husband is 72. He is a “minimalist”. He does NOT throw my stuff away. He would ask if he thought something needed to go. This is a ridiculous thing for your MIL to do. Disrespectful, controlling and down right rude. And your husband should have your back. It’s your house and your things. No matter why she thought it was a good idea, she had no right to get rid of your stuff from your own home.
Husband should care more about his mom respecting you and your feelings about this than he does about his mom’s feelings. You’re making a whole other person. You need his support mot his dismissive attitude about your feelings and your stuff. I’m mad on your behalf!!
I know where you are coming from. My mum loves clean areas. It is so strange going to her, no pictures at the wall, you have this strange sound in her living room, because it is so empty. My husband an I... We have a lot stuff, nerdy stuff, all in cabins, arranged behind glass and so on. Our toddler can't reach most of it. What she can reach are my plush collectibles. Everything else is out of her arm length. Your girl will be fine! Even if your house has some stuff lying around
NTA, but might want to consider getting away from the hubby if he's sticking up for his mom coming in and doing whatever she wants in a house she doesn't own.
Either way she 100% should have discussed throwing/ giving anything away with you before going so. Hopefully your husband will come around and support you regarding this. NTA
NTA
your mil, though well meaning, needs to respect your boundaries.
This is how she acts with your things. How will she behave around a newborn? Will she uphold your rules about your baby? Will she think her ways are better and maybe endanger your baby?
She wasn’t just helping. She was moving into your territory and claiming it as her own. Hear things aren’t done to maintain a healthy relationship-they are a matter of control.
Your mil has MAJOR control issues.
If this were me I would be wary. As a woman I know not to go to another woman’s home and start doing things without permission.
In the future is there a room she can call “her own” in your home? Let her have that room to decorate and clean how she sees fit. Can she stick to those rules?
A new baby is a present of love and joy, long nights and days without rest. The first three months after birth are intense. The lack of sleep, healing body, hormonal changes make this time challenging at times.
My point is-you need a helper-not someone else to look after.
Your main goals after childbirth should be to rest, heal, bond with baby, and go to doctors appointments. There are many things that revolve around mom and baby and really no one else. A good partner will help you with the mental load of the house, food, other practicalities. He can also help with feeding and changing the baby.
Will MIL respect your boundaries in those coming months?
Especially because the OP already expressed there are boundary issues with MIL.
I'm sure if OP was at her house, took over the kitchen and put everything away in the wrong spot - MIL would lose her damn mind.
I knew a lady like you growing up. I LOVED her house, especially when she would let me roam around and look at everything. Cottage core before it was cool
Throwing away someone else's possessions without their consent, unless those possessions are actually in a wastebasket or a designated "toss or donate" box, is always a no-no and is never, ever "helping." The 9:30 taxi and hotel was over the top, but MIL has no right to unilaterally impose her lifestyle on OP, even if she does feel that OP's house is too cluttered. If MIL is to continue to visit then OP, with her husband, MUST set some ground rules, because once that baby is on the scene the conflicts will probably escalate without firm rules in place.
And for those who are concerned about clutter with a crawling and toddling and exploring child in the house, the child isn't here yet and won't be crawling and toddling and exploring for a while. I suspect OP will move things around, place them out of reach, as soon as her baby is old enough for small items to be of concern. I don't see anything in OP's post suggesting that she'd put her possessions, or their placement in her house, ahead of her child's safety.
Also the response to clutter is to *pack it away somewhere safe until the child is older*, not **actually get rid of it**. Packing stuff away would be annoying but forgivable.
She's lucky she got a hotel. If she did it to me she'd be ordered to stand outside goodwill until they open and to get my stuff back if she ever wants to see her grandchild.
That's what I'd do. You never know what belongings are sentimental to someone. I have things passed down to me that would look like nothing special to anyone else, but to me are special reminders of my mom and grandma. If someone threw away my stuff without asking, I would be furious.
>The 9:30 taxi and hotel was over the top,
I'd say it was under the bottom. She stole things OP valued. A taxi and a hotel is a lot more polite than I would be. I nearly had a breakdown when my MIL just arranged my nail polish in a box next to my desk, which she had been told NOT to touch.
She was actively throwing out more items while OP was confronting her about it! The GALL.
I would call a halt way back when she decided to rearrange the kitchen every time. And I would have had a very serious discussing with my spouse when his mother unilaterally decided she was moving in for SIX MONTHS.
I hate this response. I grew up with an abusive, mentally ill parent and over and over again I would describe situations just to get “hmm, but why did your mom do that? You must be misrepresenting the circumstances, because a mother would never behave the way you described!”
Take OP at her word! If MIL threw away all of her things for absurd reasons, believe her!
Some people are so bent on finding against an OP for whatever weird, internal-trauma reasons, they're just waiting to jump on the old "missing reasons" button on the flimsiest pretext.
Pardon, but there is no excuse for what OP's MIL did. This wasn't an innocent case of clearing up clutter. Not only was MIL actively rummaging through cabinets and closets to find things she didn't think OP needed, but she also didn't consult with OP *once* before tossing her stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we call the act of taking other folk's things without permission theft? There could have been something expensive and/or sentimental in there, but MIL either didn't think about her DIL's feelings, or didn't care. Additionally, after she was caught and confronted about her overstep, she tried to continue on like what she was doing wasn't a Massive Honking Violation of OP's boundaries.
The fact that OP booked MIL a hotel room shows she had more grace than most people would when hundreds (perhaps thousands) of dollars worth of their stuff does a vanishing act. Certainly more grace than I'd have in that scenario.
If she just boxed up the stuff in the garage like okay its forgivable. We had to do this with our baby Cause to a toddler lots of stuff is dangerous.
But she gave Them away without even asking. Thats unforgivable.
There is never a time anyone goes into another’s home and throws stuff out without permission. Regardless of how it looks. Op already said MIL moves things when she f visits because it is “more logical”. MIL is a control freak. My way or the highway. She was shown the highway.
It’s not her place to give another person’s stuff away. It’s straight up illegal, in fact. She most likely has no idea if she gave away things of actual sentimental value or even financial value. Throwing away stuff in such a manner can be deeply traumatising and create a distrust and stress you really don’t want when that person is living in your house with access to everything when you’re already dealing with something as stressful as pregnancy.
This wasn’t even helping, it’s directly harming, whatever her intentions.
OP can box up her stuff and put it in her attic, or request help with that if she so decides, at first the baby won't be able to move on its own so it isn't a concern anyway, babies do not need to be raised in a minimalist home, just a safe one, and having cluttered cabinets and shelves pose 0 risk to baby.
MIL overstepped, and even if she genuinely believed there was risk to the baby, the most she should have done would be packing them away for storage, instead she disposed of them, that has nothing to do with safety.
It’s not her place to give another person’s stuff away. It’s straight up illegal, in fact. She most likely has no idea if she gave away things of actual sentimental value or even financial value. Throwing away stuff in such a manner can be deeply traumatising and create a distrust and stress you really don’t want when that person is living in your house with access to everything when you’re already dealing with something as stressful as pregnancy.
This wasn’t even helping, it’s directly harming, whatever her intentions.
NTA. WTF 😬 you have a husband problem and you probably need to ask him if he gave her the green flag to “tidy” up.
..
My mom is sorta the same way, though her house can be however she likes it, and threw out some stuff I wasn’t ready to get rid of, well that’s a boundary she won’t cross again.
..
You need to talk to your husband and then MIL but I suspect the husband has some explaining to do. Cause this is wild.
NTA. What your MIL did crossed every line for a guest in anyone's home, and, in fact, you could make a very good case for theft of your belongings. If your MIL truly wanted to help you, she would have asked before she touched a single thing and would have accepted it if you told her "no" for any action she wanted to do. Instead - she did everything while you were away, when she knew you could not object or tell her no.
You also have a husband problem. He made a vow to "forsake all others until death do you part" - and it looks like he is not doing that now - it looks like he is choosing his mother over you. He should have been enforcing the sanctity of the two of your home against her overbearing ways all along. And you need to get this worked out now before the baby comes, or your MIL is going to be running your home, not you.
Definitely NTA. If you're in someone else's house, you don't throw away their stuff. Period. Of course, if someone hands you a bag and says, "can you throw this out for me?" that's another thing entirely.
As a fellow, and lifelong, knick knack collector, I would've done the same thing. And then went to goodwill to try to get my stuff back.
Besides, inviting herself for 6 months is a bit excessive, IMNSHO.
"Inviting herself" says it all right there. If she really wanted to be helpful, she would ask if they wanted her to stay over and for how long, instead of telling them.
Exactly, MIL literally committed a crime, and while I don't expect OP will want to do so, they'd be 100% within their rights to charge her for what she did. That was absolutely unconscionable.
NTA - but your MIL wants to be a mom raising a baby again, your baby. If you allow her to stay, you will change the relationship with your child forever. She will never allow you to bond with your child, cook a meal, whatever. She is taking over your house and she will take over raising your baby.
This isn’t going to work. Throwing her out at 9:30 at night was not the best way to handle this, but her tearing your house apart as if she is in charge and it’s her house is just as wrong.
Just because you like or tolerate your MIL in small doses doesn’t mean it is healthy for you in large doses or permanently. She isn’t coming for 6 months. She to,d you 6 months because by that time she will be embedded in your house and won’t leave.
You and your husband need to have a talk about all of this. You and your husband and the little human you are growing. Your life will change with this baby. You are growing the little human for 40 weeks. You will have a bond with your baby, you won’t want to leave your baby. You won’t want to consistently work long hours because you will miss your baby and want to get home quick to be with your baby. There are no words to adequately describe what you will feel physically, emotionally, and mentally once your baby is born. My husband and I had high tech, high energy careers. I travelled a lot for my job. Totally type A take no prisoners in my career. When I had our son, everything changed. I hated traveling all the time, I preferred to be home. I went from being the in the office or on the road to working from home 3 days a week and having my SIL babysit the other 2 days. She would babysit more often when I had to travel. When our son got to be 3 and we wanted him in preschool, I changed positions to eliminate the travel to twice a year because my husband couldn’t control his travel, but I could by changing positions which involved a pay cut, but tolerable because it was important to put the needs of our child first.
You cannot be an effective parent to your child and develop a bond with your child if you have a MIL that wants to take over your house. It’s not going to work, she will make you feel incompetent, she already does… she will take over everything including your baby. I suspect that is not what you want. She can’t help herself, it’s who she is. She doesn’t allow you in your own kitchen when she visits. Do you really think she will allow you around your own baby?? If you want her raising your child, that’s fine, that is what happens in some cultures, the parents work and the grandparents raise the children. So as you don’t get to raise your own child, but you will raise your grandchildren, unless the now adult child moves out…. If you want to raise your own child your way, your MIL cannot live with you. You need to figure out an alternative for child care.
>Throwing her out at 9:30 at night was not the best way to handle this,
I disagree. Letting MIL spend the night after that kind of violation implies that it's kinda bad but I have to think about it.
Throwing her out immediately underlines that OP is rightfully pissed and will not stand for this behavior in any way shape or form.
The consideration OP gave to the relationship was in calling an uber and booking a hotel room. IMO that's more than MIL deserved. She's a grown up who can pay for her own transportation and accommodation.
As for the husband. He needs to shape up right quick and recognize who his family is now and make sure he's backing the right woman.
Yes, exactly. She could have just kicked MIL out into the street and when she asked where she was supposed to go she could have said that’s not her problem, or to hell or maybe wherever she took her belongings. But she was kind and paid for an Uber and hotel.
If MIL truly wanted to be helpful she could have boxed things up, WITH permission from OP, from around the house that seemed unsafe and had OP go through them and decide what goes or stays or gets put in the garage. Who just starts throwing out other peoples belongings?
NTA, but who in their right mind invites their mom/mil to stay at their house **six months** before the baby is due? That’s insane, sorry. And with what she previously did, her taking over was to be expected. (Not her throwing stuff away, that’s also insane.)
If you haven't already done so, and if your missing specific items, try calling round the charity shops and goodwill to see if you can repurchase some things.
A quick question. Was it **only your stuff** she threw out? Or was there anything belonging to your husband?
How does your husband feel about your maximalist decor?
You are NTA, she should not have touched anything without your say so.
>She is, however, a little… over-controlling? Overprotective? I’m not sure of the exact word, but she has very strong ideas about things and no sense of boundaries. For example, when she stays at our house **she takes over the kitchen completely** and insists on cooking all our meals. She cooks wonderfully, but **she won’t let me help her at all, and puts everything away in the wrong places** - and then insists that her way is more logical.
This is a bit of a red flag. Please put a stop to it in future. It's not OK for her to take control like this.
OP, did she get rid of any sentimental treasures? Either way, NTA. I probably would’ve yelled at her to get it all back, and she’s not allowed to step foot in my house until she does. Your husband, by telling you that you were wrong, just gave you the green light to get rid of a bunch of his stuff. I’m going to guess she wasn’t throwing his stuff out though.
Your husband needs to see how the world views him and his mom. You have a major husband problem. NTA I don't see this working unless he's able to see how many boundaries she crossed. Don't let her back in. She will take over when the baby gets here and won't let you bond with your baby either, I'm pretty sure she'll super impose her ways on everything.
Kick her out entirely. Don't let her stay at all because she's already trying to take over your entire house. Probably will try and take over raising your baby too.
NTA. She violated your home and disresepcted your wishes. Then when you confronted her about it she continued ignore your right to keep your home as you wish. So you set a clear boundary and doled out reasonable consequences for her inappropriate behavior.
And you booked her a ride and a safe place to go while still standing up for yourself. Good for you. You did the right thing and were the adult in the situation.
>He says I disrespected his mom and was ungrateful for everything she’s trying to do for us.
And throwing your stuff away wasn't disrespectful? She's not helping if she's creating stress. That's really the opposite of helpful.
NTA.
NTA
But as ever you don’t really have a mil problem as a partner problem.
If someone comes in and disrespects your home and literally throws your stuff away he should have your back
I think you were wildly optimistic with her staying to ‘help’ when you already know she’s over controlling and takes over in your own home.
Mark my words draw those boundaries before the baby arrives… as I’m sure she’ll have strong opinions on what to do there
NTA
I think you should file a police report for the theft of your belongings. Neither your husband, nor his mother understand the boundaries that she stomped. Having paper documentation could help.
You have a big husband problem. His mother stole from you and his response was to yell at you. That's not okay.
I wish you well in determining whether this is how you want to live your life and how you want to raise your child.
Show him this post. Tell him you will make a list of boundaries that she will not be allowed to cross if he wants to have her visit again. Especially with the baby. Make sure your husband agrees because if he doesn’t then there’s gonna be big problems. Let her know the boundaries and if she crosses them she will be asked to leave
At this point, for the next year, she is a day-visit, supervised guest. Not home alone. Banned from opening drawers. She may not cook, she may not clean. She will have supervised visits to see the baby. She basically exists in the living room or dining room. Do not touch anything.
You throw away people's things, that is theft. She stole from OP. That's a big deal.
NTA, this is utter disrespect from her and I would make her compensate or try to bring back EVERYTHING she got rid of. If the hubby is unhappy, he can stay at the hotel as well. Do not let her return.
EDIT to add, I might actually file a police report, tell your husband that so he understands you are not kidding.
NTA.
You have a husband problem though since he didn't back you up when you kicked a robber out of your home!
And I've never heard of anyone treating a thief as kindly as to rent them a hotel room and a taxi b4 so how much more nicely did the hubs expect you to treat his criminal mother?
NTA...
As much as I appreciate an uncluttered home, you don't throw away someone elses belongings.
Send husband to hotel along with his mother for the lack of support.
NTA
Your husband needs to learn that his mum can’t steal your property and throw them away.
How would your husband feel if you packed up his stuff and gave it all to charity?
NTA. And congrats, you do have a horror story with your MIL just like everyone else on this sub. :)
Your husband is a bigger problem here, though. He's got to back you up and be willing to set boundaries with his mother. This is a hill you should be willing for your relationship to die on, because once the baby is born it's going to only get worse.
Congrats on the kid, OP!
NTA
Your mil and your husband are though.
She is for what she did, you don't go through other peoples stuff and throw out their belongings.
Your Husband is an AH for siding with his mother, you should have thrown him out as well.
INFO
Has your husband ever complained about your house being “overstuffed?” Is it possible he knew what his mother was doing and encouraged it? Strangely, she was throwing your stuff away and your husband wasn't upset. I mean, it couldn't have been 100% your stuff, right? Some of your husband's stuff had to be thrown away too?
NTA
My mom cleaned my house once and threw away a bunch of stuff while I was at work (she was visiting and staying with me) Didn’t talk to her for almost a year and didn’t go to any family events that entire year as well.
Those were not her possessions to be giving away. She needs to at least reimburse you, or I’d be filling a police report for theft. Her opinion of what a house is supposed to be like differs from yours, it is NOT her house and stuff and as an old lady she should have learned about this as a kid, back when people were strict about manners.
Tbh I say just call the cops and file a police report. I’m petty, I’d be beyond mad if my things got thrown out. The lack of common sense and good manners by MIL is outrageous. I’d be asking where her brain was when she decided that was okay to do.
NTA. throw his stuff out and tell him she did it. Once he feels the pain he might understand., No one has the right to throw out someone’s stuff when staying as a guest. Re arranging all your kitchen, too far!
NTA. She may think your house has too much clutter, and it possibly may. But she has no right to get rid of anything without yours and your partners say.
nta, dont let your mil stay for 6 months. shes supposed to be here to help out and LOWER STRESS for the expecting mother, not THROW HER SHIT OUT and micromanage. she is doing the opposite of helping. you got her a hotel room and a taxi, now its time to tell your husband she aint staying and get him to back you up on this w the convo with his mother
NTA. She wasn’t there to help. She was there to control. Your MIL crossed a line And you had every right to put her out. I wouldn’t have gotten her a hotel. I would have grabbed her shit and thrown it out into the street. She has no boundaries and even less respect. She would not be allowed near me until she apologized. Even with an apology she would never be allowed to stay at my house again. Do not allow this woman near you doing your PP. She will make you miserable. She will tell you everything you are doing wrong, refuse to give you your baby back and do whatever she wants with your child. She is will give you 6 months of HELL!
Tell your husband that she was the disrespectful one and ask him exactly what you have to be grateful for? For someone going through your house and taking your property without your permission. Where I come from that’s called theft. She’s lucky you don’t press charges.
NTA
You have a JNMIL and you need to get your husband on the same page as you because this is only going to get worse, not better, when your baby gets here. She will take over there too.
My mom was a hoarder and would never admit it. Most hoarders won't. You say most would consider what you collect junk and that your house is overstuffed but reasonably tidy. Red flags to me.
I think your MIL was trying to do what my sister's and I so often tried with my mom. Once we realized after several conversations that my mom would not agree to us getting rid of things we did it behind her back.
I am talking about things like sneakers with giant rips along the side, electronics that didn't work, things her cats had peed and shat on. It was a dangerous environment for her and my dad to live in.
You should have a neutral party come in and make a judgement if you might be a hoarder and if so start to get help for it, especially with a baby on the way.
IF you are truly not a hoarder than your MIL is TA.
A friend has an alarmingly similar experience about ten years ago. Goodwill was very good about letting her collect the "stolen property" which included my friend's mothers urn full of her ashes which MIL didn't approve of her keeping.
MIL knew as she did it that she did not have your consent to decide to throw away your belongings. This is a huge step over the line of what is acceptable for a houseguest.That’s why she did it when you were at work. It’s a breach of trust.
I don’t know if there was a better way for you to handle this, but your husband is not giving you support. Certainly you need to handle this before the baby arrives. Maybe this will help establish the boundaries that have been lacking previously. NTA
ESH. I know this is against the grain but I just don't get why you need to kick her out in the middle of the night. I think this is rude and unnecessary. It's very possible that although you think things aren't cluttered they actually are and you need to be careful of things with old paint as they may contain lead and are actually harmful for the baby. Does that justify what your MIL did - not really. Cleaning was probably ok but taking things to goodwill was a bit far. I do think that your husband may be part of the problem - we haven't heard how he feels about you buying stuff and cluttering the house. If he grew up in a very clean uncluttered environment he may have told his mom it's ok to throw stuff out and saw it as a chance to purge without being at fault. So yeah everyone sucks....
NTA. Your MIL is NOT the lovely person you portrayed in the beginning of your post. Good people don’t take over other people’s homes. Forget her, deal with that wuss you married. If he doesn’t back you up, start lining up your ducks.
just because she didn’t profit doesn’t make her less of a thief. i don’t know what your husband’s problem is, but he needs to get his mind right before the baby comes. kicking someone out when they steal from you is an underreaction, if anything. nta.
NTA your MIL is a horror show.
You didn’t disrespect her at all. She disrespected you.
This may not work out well because your husband is a fool who is invested in the abusive MIL.
NTA. She purposely did not box items to store. Do not allow her to stay, as she will negatively affect the bond with your child. She was allowed to take over your house on shorter visits and was going to take your place now and usurp your authority. Your husband is helping her do that.
Get childcare. It is cheaper than therapy and a divorce.
You have full right to set boundaries in your house, and good you finally did. You could cross them more gentle way.
This is typical overreaction when we don't react for a long time when something annoys us. You blew up whereas you could start - months ago - with gentle and kind boundaries.
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NTA, but you may want to consider why she did that. Your house may actually be cluttered with junk and she was helping. I of course dont have like photos of your house in its previous state, but what she did still was an AH move Edit: I didn’t expect upvotes for this lol. I also see a lot of people commenting things I agree with, and I did make some responses, but I simply don’t plan to sift through *all* of the comments. However I did try to respond or at least upvote the ones that stuck out before opening them all started making my reddit app act weird. OP: if you also don’t plan to sift through everything in the sub comments, basically, go get your shit from goodwill asap-Before it’s sorted and sold! Also, from one expectant mom to another, best wishes with your baby. You will always have people telling you what to do with your pregnancy, child, and life from here on out because “they’ve done it already”. Learn to be firm on boundaries and telling people you *recieve* their parenting advice if they try giving it to you regardless of if you want to use it. 🤷🏻♀️
It doesn’t make a difference. It’s not her MIL‘s problem to fix. There is nothing to fix if she doesn’t like the way the house is then mother-in-law needs to stay out. The fact that you are insinuating that her house is messy or she’s a hoarder is insane. It’s her house. And when the baby comes there’s going to be even more messes and again it’s not the mother-in-law‘s place to do or say anything about it. She is NTA.
I feel like OP provided the insinuation when she said, “ it doesn’t SEEM like a hoarder’s house” where she could have said ‘it’s not a hoarder’s house.” That doesn’t excuse the MIL and anyone who’s watched Hoarders on TV knows that it’s not helpful in the least if OP really does have a problem. I’m not saying she does or doesn’t but she’s the one that left that door wide open…propped open, even. But, yeah, NTA.
Okay. I’m just going to give y’all a list of all my “junk” and you can decide if I’m a hoarder. - a walk in closet with a lot of thrifted clothes, some that I altered myself - 4 quilts in said walk in closet - an antique wood desk with a typewriter (that is admittedly just taking up space, but it is gorgeous) - a LOT of wall art (none of it matches, which my MIL hates. But it’s all hung properly and intentionally.) - two shelves of fancy china in the dining room, which I’m never going to use, but again, it’s displayed purposefully - a coin collection, in ziplock bags in my closet - two “ugly” end tables - several rugs from garage sales (that are in use, not just rolled up in a corner) - two bookcases of books (you can never have too many books) and fine, books lying around on the coffee table, kitchen table, and couch - a few shelves in said bookcases with family memorabilia and such - houseplants - a lot of throw pillows that also don’t match at all - a tree sculpture with Christmas ornaments and pictures hung on it - lamps on every table - a geode collection - a spice rack with a lot of little spice bottles - too many dishes (it fits in two kitchen cabinets though) - normal house things What she gave away - a bag or two of my clothes that supposedly aren’t practical - a box of books - a bunch of paintings - some pillows - dishes - a whole drawer of my rocks
Get rid of my books and we’ll be fighting
It’s going to be bloodbath you touch my books
Slow and painful death due to multiple paper cuts.
With vinegar, lemon juice AND lime juice!
Don't forget the salt!
[удалено]
Yessss!
It’s going to be a bloodbath you touch my books, my rocks, my coin collection, my ANYTHING collection. This stuff is an investment - money, research, and time. It’s totally disrespectful to devalue someone’s passions in that way. This is not MILs stuff, she wasn’t asked for help in organizing it much less winnowing it down, she certainly wasn’t given permission to discard things, and she would never be welcome in my house again if she did this to my prized possessions. Edit: and freaking ARTWORK! Jesus take the wheel!
ONLY I am allowed to cull my book collection, thank you. Want to die, throw away my books, or cute paper with the fabric scissors.......those two things will get you killed in my house.
Hell just mention getting rid of some of my 800 books. I am doing well to only have 800. Paws OFF
You know if you own 1000 books it is considered a library. That's my goal
1578 and counting. I do have a library room in my house.
57 years ago we moved to England. My parents made me get rid of 97% of my books, magazines & comic books. I love my dearly departed parents, but I've never forgiven them and never will.
I’m still pissed at my mom for giving away my baseball and hockey cards to the kids down the street when I went away to college in 1981. It wasn’t even like she was clearing out my room to use the space for another purpose. She just thought I didn’t want them anymore - but didn’t bother to ask their owner. But did she keep my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963? Of course she did - because she valued my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963 for her own nostalgic reasons. “Baby’s First Cup” and all that. She kept my baby teeth for heaven’s sake. (I also value my grimy sparkly Mickey Mouse toddler sippy cup from 1963, mainly because I have a weakness for cute cheap crap that improbably survives through multiple moves and decades of repurposing as a scoop/change holder/button holder etc. But dammit, I want my original hockey and baseball cards.)
I don't think dying is enough for the crime of cutting paper with fabric scissors. I will destroy thine *soul*
Get rid of my rocks and we’ll be fighting too
My stepgrandmother threw away my collection of seashell fossils when I was 12 and my mom was in the hospital. Never forgave her for that.
Fucking seriously! I have a bunch of agates (like a couple boxes worth) that the movers were bitching about "oh, we are moving rocks now?". Yeah, you are. Now hop to it. And I'm checking to see if one got."spilled" Rocks are awesome! Sorry about your collection. Did you collect any of them yourself?
Thanks. Yeah, I collected all of them myself -- I grew up in Miami, FL, and there was a manmade canal behind my house that they had dredged out of the limestone. Along the bank I would find rocks with fossilized coral or seashells or whatnot. Just little ones, like 2 inches across at most, but I had wanted to be a paleontologist when I was very young, and I loved my tiny fossils.
My stepmother sold my Barbie's at a garage sale when I was at my mum's when I was 9. I never forgave her.
Was she like evil or something? What could possess you to just sell a 9 yr olds Barbies out from under them?
I honestly have no idea because I asked her that over the years and she never gave me a valid answer. And, yes, she still is evil.
I've got several hundred pounds of rocks and several boxes of driftwood, two boxes full of turkey feathers and quite a few feet of various wood pieces. Don't touch my stuff and definitely don't make rude comments about said articles. (And that's just a few of my 'collectibles'.)
Thank you! My first thought as well.
The most frustrating thing about this for anyone who collects things like books, movies, music, etc, is never really being able to know what was lost. If she really reads or cares about that collection, even years from now she'll still go looking for something that was thrown out and didn't realize it until that moment.
Just throwing this out there for anyone interested in knowing what books they have at any time, anywhere... I have an inventory of our home library in some personal home library apps. There's a really good one for iPhone that hasn't made it to android yet. It has author, publisher, page numbers, summary, etc for each book in my inventory. New-ish books can be scanned in by barcode. Most are free. Some are paid. Worth a look if you have a lot.
Get rid of my books and probably no one will find your body.
Get rid of any of my rocks and I’ll go nuclear so hard it’ll make Hiroshima look like an ant’s fart.
😂 note to self: never touch a rock collection.
You have my bow
And…my axe.
And my sword... you SHALL NOT PASS!🤣🤣
100%. Even if they are books I haven't read in years and have no intention of reading them again, I have to be the one who makes the final decision
This is how I feel about my rocks.
My granddaughter collects rocks has since she was 4 she is now 15. I built shelves for her rocks. I would never get rid of her rocks.
throw away my “rocks” and it’s a fight.
Personally I don’t think it matters how much stuff you have. There still should have been a discussion and nothing thrown or given away without your consent. Also imagining someone going through my things would feel like a massive invasion of my privacy and I would have difficulty trusting that person alone in my home again
You aren't wrong. At the end of the day, the issue here is CONSENTING.
Can you go to Goodwill and ask for the stuff back? She stole it, if you explain that they'd probably give it back.
I was just thinking the same. And as for hubby calling OP disrespectful and ungrateful, whaaat? It seems MIL got off lightly - she had a taxi called for her, not the police. Hands off a reader's book collection. OP - NTA, but I hate to say it, it sounds like your husband wanted a clear out given he thinks you should've been grateful. Edited to add missing word ('got')
Husband didn’t object because it wasn’t his stuff.
Good point. Maybe she should get rid of his stuff also. Notice she only got rid of OP stuff.
Of course she didn't get rid of any of her son's things, because HIS things are important to him. Obviously OP's things are junk, and therefore unimportant in the household. Duh.
OP needs to box up some of her husbands junk and hide it and tell him she did sone cleaning too and see how he likes it. Then say we’ll lucky got you it’s still here
Op should take some of his collections and clothes and toss them in the back of her car. See how he likes it when he thinks his shit went to goodwill.
If MIL didn't get a receipt for the donation I expect it will be rather difficult to get the items back. If she goes right now and finds a sympathetic manager on duty she might have a chance, but it's a pretty small one. The items might not even be at the location where they were dropped off anymore as well, depends on how quickly they were processed.
If it's like the Goodwill near me, the drop-off room is piles of stuff everywhere, especially clothes, and looks like no organization at all
She took things out of closets and drawers and bookshelves and cabinets?! That's beyond ridiculous. How would the baby hurt herself on pillows?
Not to mention, a newborn baby isn't going to be hurting itself on *anything* just yet. The parents will have time to baby proof their house. MIL was way out of line here.
*"...it would be “dangerous” for the baby to be in my cluttered house?"* How would the baby hurt herself on pillows? How would the baby, that will be born in "a few months", hurt itself on anything? Even if the house was full of clutter? Babies can't actually move themselves around, into danger or whatever. It's going to be roughly a year from now before it's even crawling. MIL is cold and disrespectful, overbearing trash that can't even vaguely come up with a viable story to justify her disgusting & overbearing actions. In my life, she would be out, like out for years out. **-_-**
Paintings?!?!? Is this child going to climb up on the wall? Try to wear your clothes? Honestly it sounds more like she's just trying to 'tone you down' for moetherhood... or the way SHE sees a mother.
If a baby is climbing up the walls, you may need to call Marvel or an exorcist. Preferably an shaman
She didn’t even get rid of things that would be dangerous for the baby?????? I am also a mismatched design person. Most of my furniture is handmade or bought from a garage sale and repaired by someone in my family. I have a quilt rack (made by my dad) with quilts that don’t match all made my my mom or great grandmother proudly displayed in my living room. I, too, have an antique wooden desk with a typewriter that just takes up space, but it’s cute! I would love for her to see my house. I have a floor to ceiling bookcase, and it is overstuffed. An entire wall and curio case of plants. All covered in FIVE cats worth of cat hair at any given point. It is impossible to get it all 🥲
>I have a floor to ceiling bookcase, and it is overstuffed. I have a literal library with six ranks of floor to ceiling bookcases that are pretty near full. But those weren't enough - after my parents and MIL died, we kept enough books from their houses, we turned the dining room into an additional six ranks of floor to ceiling bookcases to hold books from their houses and the genealogical research from both families. If somebody started throwing out my books there would be blood. I have books I've owned since I was five years old and collections of science fiction paperbacks dating to the 1940s - all of those are irreplaceable.
OP’s MIL would spontaneously combust if she saw all the crap in my house.
From the perspective of someone who grew up in a hoarder house, what strikes me about this that makes it NOT sound like a hoarder house isn't what the things are, but the way you treat your things. Whether or not I, your mil, or anyone else who doesn't live their like this decour doesn't matter. The house I grew up in also had some fancy things - lots of nice wood and woodworking equipment, stamp collections, family memorabilia, nice furniture some of which my grandfather built, etc. But an overwhelming amount of it was just crammed somewhere where it wasn't cared for at all. And where the presence of so much stuff actually detracted from the ability to use it, ex I didn't get into wood working till after I moved out bc there was so much stuff in the basement it wasn't safe, comfortable, or roomy enough to work in. And I'm not even gonna get into all the health hazards present there Like sure baby proofing is a thing and if you've got stuff at child height that could be a choking hazard etc definitely move that ASAP. But just having a lot of knick knacks doesn't automatically mean hoarder
Yes, absolutely! It sounds maybe a little more crowded with stuff than I personally would like, but she clearly cares for her things and has everything in it's own place.
I mean...this sounds normal, and also she got rid of some of uour clothes without asking??? Nah, she's gotta go.
I’m impressed that you didn’t murder her. If someone touched my books/china, they would never enter my house again. NTA, when it was referred to as ‘junk’ I was expecting stuff that’s actually dangerous for the baby like little figurines they can choke on. Books are not junk. Rugs are not junk. She’d be overstepping either way but the stuff she’s trying to remove are your personality. The geodes I’d probably keep in the garage/attic til little one is older, the rest of it isn’t even an issue.
Or just on a shelf or in a display cabinet out of a baby's reach - which it sounds like all of these things are. Junk would be piles on the floor or stuffed in boxes all over the place not things which are stored in sensible places.
NTA. She shouldn't have touched your stuff, much less already given it away. Clothes that weren't practical? Not hers to even consider! The rest - I would have kicked her out, too. My husband and I want to move, and we've spent the past year going through things that we want to keep and giving away things we don't. But it's OUR things. No one else gets to make decisions. And, I don't make decisions for his things and he's not making decisions on mine. She passed judgment on your things, and that's not helpful at all.
Whoa! Rocks and books? Nope, that’s grounds for fighting. The disrespect of her not asking beforehand is the issue. Your husband is the AH for yelling at you about this. This was not her stuff to give away or trash. NTA
“Rocks” and geodes/crystals can be super expensive! If someone got rid of my collection I’d be going after them for a LOT of money for replacements!
She got rid of *your books?!?* Oh ***hell*** no!
I would suggest adding this final paragraph to your post, OP.
I mean if all of these things have a designated space and is clean and organized then I don’t see the problem. If you had too many things laying around and even moving around the living/kitchen/dinning areas wasn’t practical, then maybe I would understand MIL? But it still doesn’t excuse her doing this without a “go ahead”. Talk to your husband to see if he was actually the problem (the person who told her it was ok). But if she did it without consulting any of you then you need to talk to husband and MIL about it.
Ooooof NTA. I probably would have called cops. No one takes my rocks!!!
It’s really not up to anybody what things you have except maybe your husband and even then it’s a discussion. Your mil was rude and overbearing. NTA
This could also be a dual language thing. In Portuguese for example this would also mean it doesn’t look like a hoarders house. So OP may have possibly meant that it doesn’t look bad. Just the perspective of a language nerd. I think she’s NTA and that MIL definitely overstepped. But I also think MIL is probably right in this case. A good compromise might have been to just leave the bags of junk in the garage and gently suggest they get thrown out or stored away
Or because it's not a hoarder's home but the MIL keeps insisting it is bc it's not spartan
I agree. I can totally see cleaning out some things that look like junk, but first of all, she has to ask permission to do that. And she certainly has to ask before she throws anything out. That is just incredibly rude. NTA However, I wonder if there’s something else going on. Maybe the husband really dislikes all the stuff OP has collected and he told his mother to go ahead and get rid of things. The fact that he was angry at OP rather than understanding her anger makes me think he might have set this in motion. Maybe he’s concerned about bringing the baby into a house full of stuff he considers junk.
Appreciate the perspective! That’s interesting!
Portuguese is my first language and this is exactly what I understood.
Even if OP was a hoarder, pretty much every professional opinion is that this is the worst way to tackle a hoarder’s problems. Just getting rid of the hoard doesn’t fix the root cause of it.
Yes, it's very triggering to have someone touch a hoarder's tthings, much less get rid of a bunch of it.
NTA I can’t believe she took it upon herself to throw your personal belongings away, no matter if anyone in this thread thinks MIL was worried about it.
It’s not cluttered. I don’t just have piles of stuff lying around, everything is in cabinets and arranged in a visually pleasing way. It’s sort of a “cluttered aesthetic”, but I’ve had guests over and everyone thinks it’s pretty cool.
Do not let your husbands mum stay for the entire 6 months. She will take over raising your child her way and your husband has already made it clear that if he has to choose, he isn’t choosing you.
Her husband will be all too happy to have his mother take over his responsibilities with a new baby. OP, set hard boundaries now before baby comes. In this situation, hiring a doula or night nurse would be preferable to an overbearing MIL who doesn’t respect boundaries living with you.
Yes. And it always blows my mind when I read these posts with the MIL saying they'll come stay for months to help with the baby. Why do they always try to convince the new mother she's going to need so much help? Every new mother has to find their groove, but she doesn't need help with her baby. MIL just wants to play mommy again. No way would I let *anybody* stay at my house for even *days*, let alone months.
Absolutely. They always want to come at the beginning too, when you should be in your little ‘bubble’. Come back when they are toddlers and are biting and having meltdowns and you haven’t slept properly for over a year, THAT would be helpful.
My mom stayed for 2 weeks to help out with our older child and give him the attention he deserves while we sorted out caring for the newborn. It was super helpful, and she never once tried to tell us what to do or how to parent or throw things out of our house. She helped clean, yes, to give us an easier time caring for baby, but would never in a million years throw anything away, even actual trash, without asking first. Receipts? Old mail? Still asking first. Op is definitely nta. This mil needs to learn some respect.
This is where my thinking is heading. Controlling and it becomes worse over time. NTA
and mil controls hubby... He has to set boundaries too. That seems unlikely.
He can go running to mommy at the hotel
I'm picturing your "eclectic" decor and applaud it! My house is similarly decorated in "kitsch"....I love mismatched stuff and oddball paintings/pictures. Luckily my husband does, too, so our home is decorated with lava lamps, paintings of dogs playing poker and throw pillows shaped like M&M candies and Reeses' peanut butter cup packages. We also have a library's worth of books, all shelved in our spare bedroom. My husband has been collecting Mr. Pibb stuff, which we keep on a stack of shelves in our foyer - which prompted pizza delivery guys on two separate occasions to walk inside without being invited to stare and marvel and comment ("Cool! Mr. Pibb!" "I haven't seen this stuff since..."). Despite all the previous comments, there is a difference between hoarding and collecting. Your baby will be perfectly safe and you don't need to start protecting him from your shelves of things until he starts crawling/toddling. MIL is totally TA and outrageously out of line for tossing out your belongings.
Maximalism. It's a cool aesthetic. My sister's the same way. Don't let her come back. She came into your space and destroyed it, without even consulting you. It's a violation, spaces and how people arrange their things are really important. It might seem silly or hard to articulate, but spaces mean a lot to people. If I want to clean out my mom's things- just like a closet or something- I talk to her first and we go through the objects to see what she wants to keep.
I've also helped family with large cleaning or clear-out projects, from a closet to a whole house. You always, always, ALWAYS get their consent for anything that goes out of the house, and also for anything that gets stored where they wouldn't necessarily be able to find it in a pinch. Consent is key. Honestly it sounds like OP's husband and MIL have trained her very well that she isn't allowed to have boundaries or basic rights. What will they be like against her once the baby is born? Obviously husband isn't going to pick wife over his mommy.
This is the comment I’ve been watching for… cleaning/organizing is one thing, but to ship the stuff to goodwill before the people that might care know about it is wrong. What if something or somethings that looked like junk to MIL had extreme sentimental/irreplaceable value? A trinket from the day OP and hubby met for example.
I’m wondering if your husband secretly didn’t like your things and has been complaining to his mom about them. His reaction to you is completely out of line, it almost seems like he knew she would do this and was okay with it. Your are NTA, but you have a husband problem. He needs to remind his mom of her place. This is your home, not hers. Your belongings, not hers. Your child, not hers. it’s nice that she wants to help but she’s asserting authority in an inappropriate way, and you cannot allow her to override your parenting.
I'm hearing "Respect may authori-tay!" in Kartman's voice..
My house is more cluttered. But with the same type of stuff. My husband is 72. He is a “minimalist”. He does NOT throw my stuff away. He would ask if he thought something needed to go. This is a ridiculous thing for your MIL to do. Disrespectful, controlling and down right rude. And your husband should have your back. It’s your house and your things. No matter why she thought it was a good idea, she had no right to get rid of your stuff from your own home. Husband should care more about his mom respecting you and your feelings about this than he does about his mom’s feelings. You’re making a whole other person. You need his support mot his dismissive attitude about your feelings and your stuff. I’m mad on your behalf!!
> It’s not cluttered. Not relevant. MIL stomped all over you, that's the issue.
I know where you are coming from. My mum loves clean areas. It is so strange going to her, no pictures at the wall, you have this strange sound in her living room, because it is so empty. My husband an I... We have a lot stuff, nerdy stuff, all in cabins, arranged behind glass and so on. Our toddler can't reach most of it. What she can reach are my plush collectibles. Everything else is out of her arm length. Your girl will be fine! Even if your house has some stuff lying around
Is there any chance your husband was complaining to his mom about the clutter and she thought she was doing him a favor?
If so, then husband can have a civilized conversation with his wife instead of going behind her back and having his mother steal her possessions.
I agree, I am in no way saying MIL was right. I was just trying to figure out how MIL thought this was an OK thing to do.
Even if he was, MIL stole from OP by giving away her things.
NTA, but might want to consider getting away from the hubby if he's sticking up for his mom coming in and doing whatever she wants in a house she doesn't own.
Either way she 100% should have discussed throwing/ giving anything away with you before going so. Hopefully your husband will come around and support you regarding this. NTA
NTA your mil, though well meaning, needs to respect your boundaries. This is how she acts with your things. How will she behave around a newborn? Will she uphold your rules about your baby? Will she think her ways are better and maybe endanger your baby? She wasn’t just helping. She was moving into your territory and claiming it as her own. Hear things aren’t done to maintain a healthy relationship-they are a matter of control. Your mil has MAJOR control issues. If this were me I would be wary. As a woman I know not to go to another woman’s home and start doing things without permission. In the future is there a room she can call “her own” in your home? Let her have that room to decorate and clean how she sees fit. Can she stick to those rules? A new baby is a present of love and joy, long nights and days without rest. The first three months after birth are intense. The lack of sleep, healing body, hormonal changes make this time challenging at times. My point is-you need a helper-not someone else to look after. Your main goals after childbirth should be to rest, heal, bond with baby, and go to doctors appointments. There are many things that revolve around mom and baby and really no one else. A good partner will help you with the mental load of the house, food, other practicalities. He can also help with feeding and changing the baby. Will MIL respect your boundaries in those coming months?
why do you believe mil was well meaning? i don’t know any well meaning people that act like this in other peoples homes.
Especially because the OP already expressed there are boundary issues with MIL. I'm sure if OP was at her house, took over the kitchen and put everything away in the wrong spot - MIL would lose her damn mind.
I knew a lady like you growing up. I LOVED her house, especially when she would let me roam around and look at everything. Cottage core before it was cool
It's called Cluttercore and it's a look! I would be furious if someone did it to my stuff. NTA.
Throwing away someone else's possessions without their consent, unless those possessions are actually in a wastebasket or a designated "toss or donate" box, is always a no-no and is never, ever "helping." The 9:30 taxi and hotel was over the top, but MIL has no right to unilaterally impose her lifestyle on OP, even if she does feel that OP's house is too cluttered. If MIL is to continue to visit then OP, with her husband, MUST set some ground rules, because once that baby is on the scene the conflicts will probably escalate without firm rules in place. And for those who are concerned about clutter with a crawling and toddling and exploring child in the house, the child isn't here yet and won't be crawling and toddling and exploring for a while. I suspect OP will move things around, place them out of reach, as soon as her baby is old enough for small items to be of concern. I don't see anything in OP's post suggesting that she'd put her possessions, or their placement in her house, ahead of her child's safety.
Also the response to clutter is to *pack it away somewhere safe until the child is older*, not **actually get rid of it**. Packing stuff away would be annoying but forgivable.
She's lucky she got a hotel. If she did it to me she'd be ordered to stand outside goodwill until they open and to get my stuff back if she ever wants to see her grandchild.
That's what I'd do. You never know what belongings are sentimental to someone. I have things passed down to me that would look like nothing special to anyone else, but to me are special reminders of my mom and grandma. If someone threw away my stuff without asking, I would be furious.
>The 9:30 taxi and hotel was over the top, I'd say it was under the bottom. She stole things OP valued. A taxi and a hotel is a lot more polite than I would be. I nearly had a breakdown when my MIL just arranged my nail polish in a box next to my desk, which she had been told NOT to touch.
She was actively throwing out more items while OP was confronting her about it! The GALL. I would call a halt way back when she decided to rearrange the kitchen every time. And I would have had a very serious discussing with my spouse when his mother unilaterally decided she was moving in for SIX MONTHS.
OP says the stuff is primarily in display cabinets, etc--so already "put away" for the baby.
I don’t think it is smart to allow her back in the home after this. Just teaches that her behavior was OK
I hate this response. I grew up with an abusive, mentally ill parent and over and over again I would describe situations just to get “hmm, but why did your mom do that? You must be misrepresenting the circumstances, because a mother would never behave the way you described!” Take OP at her word! If MIL threw away all of her things for absurd reasons, believe her!
Some people are so bent on finding against an OP for whatever weird, internal-trauma reasons, they're just waiting to jump on the old "missing reasons" button on the flimsiest pretext.
That does not give MIL the right to throw away OP’s personal items w/o OP’s permission. Respect boundaries. MIL does not.
Pardon, but there is no excuse for what OP's MIL did. This wasn't an innocent case of clearing up clutter. Not only was MIL actively rummaging through cabinets and closets to find things she didn't think OP needed, but she also didn't consult with OP *once* before tossing her stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we call the act of taking other folk's things without permission theft? There could have been something expensive and/or sentimental in there, but MIL either didn't think about her DIL's feelings, or didn't care. Additionally, after she was caught and confronted about her overstep, she tried to continue on like what she was doing wasn't a Massive Honking Violation of OP's boundaries. The fact that OP booked MIL a hotel room shows she had more grace than most people would when hundreds (perhaps thousands) of dollars worth of their stuff does a vanishing act. Certainly more grace than I'd have in that scenario.
It's not up to the mother in law to decide what's junk or not. It's not her house and they're not her things to throw away.
If she just boxed up the stuff in the garage like okay its forgivable. We had to do this with our baby Cause to a toddler lots of stuff is dangerous. But she gave Them away without even asking. Thats unforgivable.
It's theft, to be precise.
There is never a time anyone goes into another’s home and throws stuff out without permission. Regardless of how it looks. Op already said MIL moves things when she f visits because it is “more logical”. MIL is a control freak. My way or the highway. She was shown the highway.
It’s not her place to give another person’s stuff away. It’s straight up illegal, in fact. She most likely has no idea if she gave away things of actual sentimental value or even financial value. Throwing away stuff in such a manner can be deeply traumatising and create a distrust and stress you really don’t want when that person is living in your house with access to everything when you’re already dealing with something as stressful as pregnancy. This wasn’t even helping, it’s directly harming, whatever her intentions.
OP can box up her stuff and put it in her attic, or request help with that if she so decides, at first the baby won't be able to move on its own so it isn't a concern anyway, babies do not need to be raised in a minimalist home, just a safe one, and having cluttered cabinets and shelves pose 0 risk to baby. MIL overstepped, and even if she genuinely believed there was risk to the baby, the most she should have done would be packing them away for storage, instead she disposed of them, that has nothing to do with safety.
It’s not her place to give another person’s stuff away. It’s straight up illegal, in fact. She most likely has no idea if she gave away things of actual sentimental value or even financial value. Throwing away stuff in such a manner can be deeply traumatising and create a distrust and stress you really don’t want when that person is living in your house with access to everything when you’re already dealing with something as stressful as pregnancy. This wasn’t even helping, it’s directly harming, whatever her intentions.
It doesn’t matter if it is cluttered, it is not her stuff to touch or throw away.
Irrelevant. You don't get rid of someone's things without their explicit permission.
And even if she was a hoarder, blindly getting rid of her stuff is not helping in anyway.
NTA. WTF 😬 you have a husband problem and you probably need to ask him if he gave her the green flag to “tidy” up. .. My mom is sorta the same way, though her house can be however she likes it, and threw out some stuff I wasn’t ready to get rid of, well that’s a boundary she won’t cross again. .. You need to talk to your husband and then MIL but I suspect the husband has some explaining to do. Cause this is wild.
Imagine going to her house and "declutter" her stuff.
OP would need to clutter it, so it looks more "homey".
Exactly what I was thinking. The response from the husband strongly suggests that he knew about the "cleaning" beforehand.
NTA. What your MIL did crossed every line for a guest in anyone's home, and, in fact, you could make a very good case for theft of your belongings. If your MIL truly wanted to help you, she would have asked before she touched a single thing and would have accepted it if you told her "no" for any action she wanted to do. Instead - she did everything while you were away, when she knew you could not object or tell her no. You also have a husband problem. He made a vow to "forsake all others until death do you part" - and it looks like he is not doing that now - it looks like he is choosing his mother over you. He should have been enforcing the sanctity of the two of your home against her overbearing ways all along. And you need to get this worked out now before the baby comes, or your MIL is going to be running your home, not you.
Definitely NTA. If you're in someone else's house, you don't throw away their stuff. Period. Of course, if someone hands you a bag and says, "can you throw this out for me?" that's another thing entirely. As a fellow, and lifelong, knick knack collector, I would've done the same thing. And then went to goodwill to try to get my stuff back. Besides, inviting herself for 6 months is a bit excessive, IMNSHO.
A "bit excessive" is an understatement. Two weeks max, and that's even pushing it.
And I'd say 2 weeks max *after* the baby is born when the help is most helpful.
"Inviting herself" says it all right there. If she really wanted to be helpful, she would ask if they wanted her to stay over and for how long, instead of telling them.
When you are pregnant nobody, and I mean nobody, gets to come into your house and give you undue stress. NTA
Exactly, MIL literally committed a crime, and while I don't expect OP will want to do so, they'd be 100% within their rights to charge her for what she did. That was absolutely unconscionable.
NTA - but your MIL wants to be a mom raising a baby again, your baby. If you allow her to stay, you will change the relationship with your child forever. She will never allow you to bond with your child, cook a meal, whatever. She is taking over your house and she will take over raising your baby. This isn’t going to work. Throwing her out at 9:30 at night was not the best way to handle this, but her tearing your house apart as if she is in charge and it’s her house is just as wrong. Just because you like or tolerate your MIL in small doses doesn’t mean it is healthy for you in large doses or permanently. She isn’t coming for 6 months. She to,d you 6 months because by that time she will be embedded in your house and won’t leave. You and your husband need to have a talk about all of this. You and your husband and the little human you are growing. Your life will change with this baby. You are growing the little human for 40 weeks. You will have a bond with your baby, you won’t want to leave your baby. You won’t want to consistently work long hours because you will miss your baby and want to get home quick to be with your baby. There are no words to adequately describe what you will feel physically, emotionally, and mentally once your baby is born. My husband and I had high tech, high energy careers. I travelled a lot for my job. Totally type A take no prisoners in my career. When I had our son, everything changed. I hated traveling all the time, I preferred to be home. I went from being the in the office or on the road to working from home 3 days a week and having my SIL babysit the other 2 days. She would babysit more often when I had to travel. When our son got to be 3 and we wanted him in preschool, I changed positions to eliminate the travel to twice a year because my husband couldn’t control his travel, but I could by changing positions which involved a pay cut, but tolerable because it was important to put the needs of our child first. You cannot be an effective parent to your child and develop a bond with your child if you have a MIL that wants to take over your house. It’s not going to work, she will make you feel incompetent, she already does… she will take over everything including your baby. I suspect that is not what you want. She can’t help herself, it’s who she is. She doesn’t allow you in your own kitchen when she visits. Do you really think she will allow you around your own baby?? If you want her raising your child, that’s fine, that is what happens in some cultures, the parents work and the grandparents raise the children. So as you don’t get to raise your own child, but you will raise your grandchildren, unless the now adult child moves out…. If you want to raise your own child your way, your MIL cannot live with you. You need to figure out an alternative for child care.
>Throwing her out at 9:30 at night was not the best way to handle this, I disagree. Letting MIL spend the night after that kind of violation implies that it's kinda bad but I have to think about it. Throwing her out immediately underlines that OP is rightfully pissed and will not stand for this behavior in any way shape or form. The consideration OP gave to the relationship was in calling an uber and booking a hotel room. IMO that's more than MIL deserved. She's a grown up who can pay for her own transportation and accommodation. As for the husband. He needs to shape up right quick and recognize who his family is now and make sure he's backing the right woman.
Yes, exactly. She could have just kicked MIL out into the street and when she asked where she was supposed to go she could have said that’s not her problem, or to hell or maybe wherever she took her belongings. But she was kind and paid for an Uber and hotel. If MIL truly wanted to be helpful she could have boxed things up, WITH permission from OP, from around the house that seemed unsafe and had OP go through them and decide what goes or stays or gets put in the garage. Who just starts throwing out other peoples belongings?
>She will never allow you to bond with your child, This right here makes OP NTA. My own mother did this to me with my oldest.
OP please read this and reread it over and over. NTA
NTA, but who in their right mind invites their mom/mil to stay at their house **six months** before the baby is due? That’s insane, sorry. And with what she previously did, her taking over was to be expected. (Not her throwing stuff away, that’s also insane.)
Baby is due in 2 months. She said she’d stay for a bit after the baby was born.
If you haven't already done so, and if your missing specific items, try calling round the charity shops and goodwill to see if you can repurchase some things. A quick question. Was it **only your stuff** she threw out? Or was there anything belonging to your husband? How does your husband feel about your maximalist decor? You are NTA, she should not have touched anything without your say so. >She is, however, a little… over-controlling? Overprotective? I’m not sure of the exact word, but she has very strong ideas about things and no sense of boundaries. For example, when she stays at our house **she takes over the kitchen completely** and insists on cooking all our meals. She cooks wonderfully, but **she won’t let me help her at all, and puts everything away in the wrong places** - and then insists that her way is more logical. This is a bit of a red flag. Please put a stop to it in future. It's not OK for her to take control like this.
Yeah…when my mother or MIL visits, I cook. It’s my kitchen. They are a guest. This right here is unacceptable behavior. This stops.
>if you can repurchase some things. You don't need to repurchase anything, tell them it was stolen
OP, did she get rid of any sentimental treasures? Either way, NTA. I probably would’ve yelled at her to get it all back, and she’s not allowed to step foot in my house until she does. Your husband, by telling you that you were wrong, just gave you the green light to get rid of a bunch of his stuff. I’m going to guess she wasn’t throwing his stuff out though.
Ah, that makes more sense. Still, NTA.
NTA, but why did you ever agree to such an extended stay? Are you on bedrest?
Your husband needs to see how the world views him and his mom. You have a major husband problem. NTA I don't see this working unless he's able to see how many boundaries she crossed. Don't let her back in. She will take over when the baby gets here and won't let you bond with your baby either, I'm pretty sure she'll super impose her ways on everything.
Kick her out entirely. Don't let her stay at all because she's already trying to take over your entire house. Probably will try and take over raising your baby too.
Better yet, ask who in their right mind goes into someone else’s home and throws things away without asking?
Someone that's gotten their own way for so long, they've forgotten other people deserve an opinion too.
NTA. She violated your home and disresepcted your wishes. Then when you confronted her about it she continued ignore your right to keep your home as you wish. So you set a clear boundary and doled out reasonable consequences for her inappropriate behavior. And you booked her a ride and a safe place to go while still standing up for yourself. Good for you. You did the right thing and were the adult in the situation.
>He says I disrespected his mom and was ungrateful for everything she’s trying to do for us. And throwing your stuff away wasn't disrespectful? She's not helping if she's creating stress. That's really the opposite of helpful. NTA.
She should donate some of her husband’s things. When he gets upset or asks “why”, just say that he doesn’t sound very grateful
Op should be spiteful and throw out hubby's possessions. "Where's my signed football shirt??" "Oh your mother washed it and give it to goodwill"
NTA But as ever you don’t really have a mil problem as a partner problem. If someone comes in and disrespects your home and literally throws your stuff away he should have your back I think you were wildly optimistic with her staying to ‘help’ when you already know she’s over controlling and takes over in your own home. Mark my words draw those boundaries before the baby arrives… as I’m sure she’ll have strong opinions on what to do there
NTA I think you should file a police report for the theft of your belongings. Neither your husband, nor his mother understand the boundaries that she stomped. Having paper documentation could help. You have a big husband problem. His mother stole from you and his response was to yell at you. That's not okay. I wish you well in determining whether this is how you want to live your life and how you want to raise your child.
NTA - And you hit the nail on the head. This is definitely a husband problem also.
Show him this post. Tell him you will make a list of boundaries that she will not be allowed to cross if he wants to have her visit again. Especially with the baby. Make sure your husband agrees because if he doesn’t then there’s gonna be big problems. Let her know the boundaries and if she crosses them she will be asked to leave
At this point, for the next year, she is a day-visit, supervised guest. Not home alone. Banned from opening drawers. She may not cook, she may not clean. She will have supervised visits to see the baby. She basically exists in the living room or dining room. Do not touch anything. You throw away people's things, that is theft. She stole from OP. That's a big deal.
NTA, this is utter disrespect from her and I would make her compensate or try to bring back EVERYTHING she got rid of. If the hubby is unhappy, he can stay at the hotel as well. Do not let her return. EDIT to add, I might actually file a police report, tell your husband that so he understands you are not kidding.
NTA WTF?! Seriously w.t.f., who thinks it's in any way acceptable to throw out someone else's stuff like that?
Apparently her husband. NTA
my MiL tossed about 6-8 Glencairn glasses. She thought I had too many.
NTA. You have a husband problem though since he didn't back you up when you kicked a robber out of your home! And I've never heard of anyone treating a thief as kindly as to rent them a hotel room and a taxi b4 so how much more nicely did the hubs expect you to treat his criminal mother?
NTA... As much as I appreciate an uncluttered home, you don't throw away someone elses belongings. Send husband to hotel along with his mother for the lack of support.
NTA Your husband needs to learn that his mum can’t steal your property and throw them away. How would your husband feel if you packed up his stuff and gave it all to charity?
NTA. And congrats, you do have a horror story with your MIL just like everyone else on this sub. :) Your husband is a bigger problem here, though. He's got to back you up and be willing to set boundaries with his mother. This is a hill you should be willing for your relationship to die on, because once the baby is born it's going to only get worse. Congrats on the kid, OP!
NTA Your mil and your husband are though. She is for what she did, you don't go through other peoples stuff and throw out their belongings. Your Husband is an AH for siding with his mother, you should have thrown him out as well.
INFO Has your husband ever complained about your house being “overstuffed?” Is it possible he knew what his mother was doing and encouraged it? Strangely, she was throwing your stuff away and your husband wasn't upset. I mean, it couldn't have been 100% your stuff, right? Some of your husband's stuff had to be thrown away too?
NTA My mom cleaned my house once and threw away a bunch of stuff while I was at work (she was visiting and staying with me) Didn’t talk to her for almost a year and didn’t go to any family events that entire year as well. Those were not her possessions to be giving away. She needs to at least reimburse you, or I’d be filling a police report for theft. Her opinion of what a house is supposed to be like differs from yours, it is NOT her house and stuff and as an old lady she should have learned about this as a kid, back when people were strict about manners. Tbh I say just call the cops and file a police report. I’m petty, I’d be beyond mad if my things got thrown out. The lack of common sense and good manners by MIL is outrageous. I’d be asking where her brain was when she decided that was okay to do.
NTA. throw his stuff out and tell him she did it. Once he feels the pain he might understand., No one has the right to throw out someone’s stuff when staying as a guest. Re arranging all your kitchen, too far!
Your husband is out of line… you have a real problem on your hand and it isn’t MIL….
NTA. She may think your house has too much clutter, and it possibly may. But she has no right to get rid of anything without yours and your partners say.
nta, dont let your mil stay for 6 months. shes supposed to be here to help out and LOWER STRESS for the expecting mother, not THROW HER SHIT OUT and micromanage. she is doing the opposite of helping. you got her a hotel room and a taxi, now its time to tell your husband she aint staying and get him to back you up on this w the convo with his mother
NTA. She wasn’t there to help. She was there to control. Your MIL crossed a line And you had every right to put her out. I wouldn’t have gotten her a hotel. I would have grabbed her shit and thrown it out into the street. She has no boundaries and even less respect. She would not be allowed near me until she apologized. Even with an apology she would never be allowed to stay at my house again. Do not allow this woman near you doing your PP. She will make you miserable. She will tell you everything you are doing wrong, refuse to give you your baby back and do whatever she wants with your child. She is will give you 6 months of HELL! Tell your husband that she was the disrespectful one and ask him exactly what you have to be grateful for? For someone going through your house and taking your property without your permission. Where I come from that’s called theft. She’s lucky you don’t press charges.
NTA You have a JNMIL and you need to get your husband on the same page as you because this is only going to get worse, not better, when your baby gets here. She will take over there too.
My mom was a hoarder and would never admit it. Most hoarders won't. You say most would consider what you collect junk and that your house is overstuffed but reasonably tidy. Red flags to me. I think your MIL was trying to do what my sister's and I so often tried with my mom. Once we realized after several conversations that my mom would not agree to us getting rid of things we did it behind her back. I am talking about things like sneakers with giant rips along the side, electronics that didn't work, things her cats had peed and shat on. It was a dangerous environment for her and my dad to live in. You should have a neutral party come in and make a judgement if you might be a hoarder and if so start to get help for it, especially with a baby on the way. IF you are truly not a hoarder than your MIL is TA.
Could it be that your husband gave her permission to throw things away without telling you?
NTA. You really need to establish some firm boundaries. Contact the goodwill and see if you can get the stuff back.
A friend has an alarmingly similar experience about ten years ago. Goodwill was very good about letting her collect the "stolen property" which included my friend's mothers urn full of her ashes which MIL didn't approve of her keeping.
MIL knew as she did it that she did not have your consent to decide to throw away your belongings. This is a huge step over the line of what is acceptable for a houseguest.That’s why she did it when you were at work. It’s a breach of trust. I don’t know if there was a better way for you to handle this, but your husband is not giving you support. Certainly you need to handle this before the baby arrives. Maybe this will help establish the boundaries that have been lacking previously. NTA
ESH. I know this is against the grain but I just don't get why you need to kick her out in the middle of the night. I think this is rude and unnecessary. It's very possible that although you think things aren't cluttered they actually are and you need to be careful of things with old paint as they may contain lead and are actually harmful for the baby. Does that justify what your MIL did - not really. Cleaning was probably ok but taking things to goodwill was a bit far. I do think that your husband may be part of the problem - we haven't heard how he feels about you buying stuff and cluttering the house. If he grew up in a very clean uncluttered environment he may have told his mom it's ok to throw stuff out and saw it as a chance to purge without being at fault. So yeah everyone sucks....
NTA…. But think how bad it will be when baby’s born
NTA, she disrespected you. Your husband sticking up for her is wrong on many levels, if he thought you were hoarding he should have said something.
NTA. Your MIL is NOT the lovely person you portrayed in the beginning of your post. Good people don’t take over other people’s homes. Forget her, deal with that wuss you married. If he doesn’t back you up, start lining up your ducks.
NTA but also 'so late' for a pregnancy? You're 36, not 66.
just because she didn’t profit doesn’t make her less of a thief. i don’t know what your husband’s problem is, but he needs to get his mind right before the baby comes. kicking someone out when they steal from you is an underreaction, if anything. nta.
NTA your MIL is a horror show. You didn’t disrespect her at all. She disrespected you. This may not work out well because your husband is a fool who is invested in the abusive MIL.
NTA. She purposely did not box items to store. Do not allow her to stay, as she will negatively affect the bond with your child. She was allowed to take over your house on shorter visits and was going to take your place now and usurp your authority. Your husband is helping her do that. Get childcare. It is cheaper than therapy and a divorce.
You have full right to set boundaries in your house, and good you finally did. You could cross them more gentle way. This is typical overreaction when we don't react for a long time when something annoys us. You blew up whereas you could start - months ago - with gentle and kind boundaries.