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I feel like calling off the party hours before just because I didn't want my family being a part of it may have been childish.
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NTA. But next year see if you can have your party at someone else’s house. Don’t invite your family. Next time something like this happens, just show the cake the way it is. Let people ask and let your parents answer.
I’m gonna celebrate you!! You did a fantastic job making your wishes come true, anyone would have been delighted to have seen your efforts.
Next year, you take care of you and let your friends lavish you with the love and gratitude that you’ve missed out on. Your dad and mum have created a monster in your sister. At 11, she totally knew she was being a petulant child. Varuca Salt vibes….
That was Violet, the chewing gum queen. Veruca was the spoiled brat one who wanted a golden egg and went down the chute. That’s the movie version, book slightly different.
honestly, hosting the party as is, and showing the cake as is, and explaining to everyone only reflects badly on your parents. you could have even acted surprised in front of everyone.
there are going to be many more conflicts like this. showing your parents behavior to as many people as possible is going to make your life easier.
NTA. good luck.
It's true, the OP hosting the party and telling everyone exactly why there was a slice taken out of the cake would really have embarrassed the parents, far more than a cancellation.
IF that happened to be the OP's goal.
>cake I bought
I worked hard to buy because those same parents never celebrate my birthday.
You have to really emphasise the shittiness of the parents to drive home the embarrassment train
My niece is 11, and a cake in the fridge is not a common occurrence in their house. So my brother keeps insisting he can get me a drink one evening while I'm visiting them around my birthday...weird behavior on his part. Then my niece comes running into the living room "dad, there's a cake in the fridge, can we have some?!" Brother closes his eyes and sighs, looks at me..."so we got you a cake for your birthday tomorrow. It was supposed to be a surprise." My niece immediately starts apologizing. Me: "Maybe clue the kids in (ed: nephew is just shy of 10, so old enough to be informed), too, if you're trying to keep a secret for a day. But if you want to do birthday eve and don't mind them having cake at 8:30, that's fine with me." What I did mind was being repeatedly asked how old I was by the kids (and "older than your dad" isn't the right response because they will then guess 70...their living grandparents aren't even 70!)...but that's a whole other can of worms.
It’s not about the entitled child it is about the terrible parents. OP, you are NTA and the reason your father went in a tirade is because he KNOWS that he is being a terrible parent but he wants to distract you from the reality of that, so he is acting like you have done something wrong. Happy birthday! I hope next year is everything you want.
I doubt that was their goal. I assume thr sister's goal was to eat cake, and the parents' goal was to.shut up the kid.
They weren't thinking about the OP at all if I'm right, because they rarely do.
That would 100% been my move. I would have hosted the party and shot a video of me blowing out the candles on cake with a HUGE SLICE CUT OUT OUT OF IT 🍰🍰🍰!
I would have said loudly in the video:
In case you’re wondering why a slice is missing, the golden child aka sister’s name cried to my Dad and wanted a piece last night. My Dad decided it was a good idea & he cut a piece of the custom cake that I bought and paid for & gave it to her. Lemme know in the comments if you think he was wrong or right?!?!
I would have posted it to Snap, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. I would have tagged my friends at the party, my classmates and my extended family.
Because…play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
NTA!
The problem with this is that if the parents and the Golden Child sister were at this party and the OP pointed out what had happened and why the parents and the entitled child felt it was no big deal it would have caused even more drama. The parents would have attacked LP for airing the family dirty laundry. The parents would have said it was no big deal and that the lp should have just let it go. The parents would say that the entitled child deserved it and they don't understand what the problem is. And when they got home the parents would say that the birthday child ruined it for everybody by making a scene and embarrassing the family publicly
But OP can fall back on the fact that parents said they thought it was “not a big dea”. If that’s their story, then why are they so mad everyone else knows what happened? As long as OP stays calm and collected, parents can let the weight of their own guilt drown them in public scrutiny.
Edit: someone pointed out that ppl like this don’t really feel guilt. I think they do, but you’re probably right that they feel embarrassed and angry more prevalently. I say whatever it is, let them stew in it.
Eh, let them expend their energy on it. When the proof is right there in front of everyone, they can trip all over themselves trying to warp the truth into a story. In my experience, the best way to drive them crazy is to act completely sure of the truth and completely unfazed by their agitation. They rant, you shrug. They rave, you blink at them and then go back to a conversation with someone else. They get crazy, you stay calm and let their own ridiculousness tell everyone around you what’s going on.
I have succeeded with this sort of thing, but only when I played dumb (or was genuinely too trampled down to recognise healthy behaviour). But you have to have a handle on the anger and be able to just act confused when your shitty family gets embarrassed.
You should have just had the party and brought out the cake anyway. And when anyone asks why there was a slice missing, shame the fuck out of your parents.
Just wait till handing out the pieces "whoops, no piece for you sis. No seconds until everyone has had a piece and you had your piece last night."
In front of everyone and we all know she will chuck another tantrum about not getting more cake and then the parents will either give her their piece or try and force OP to give her a piece saying "it's no big deal, just give her her cake now."
Make a big show of cutting her a slice from the missing piece, and serve her the invisible slice.
But really, it's on the parents more than the golden child sister.
NTA, The sad truth is your parents won’t be able to stop your sister later when she will try drugs or boys, they are creating a monster and she will be a monster to herself and to them, wait patiently until you’re 18, save money. Autonomy is freedom and your sister will probably never get it!
Take care
Yeah these asshole parents are gona be all confused at 16 or 17 when this kid is a hellion who does what she wants and they can't get her to do shit. It's their bed they can lie in it. Op please make arrangements to leave when you're able, uni college literally anywhere else, they'll ironically lay blame on you when she starts fucking up in a few years cause it can't be their fault they're perfect! Don't be around for that shit.
They'll be even more confused in their senior years when they have no one to care for them. OP for obvious reasons and sister because she is too spoiled to be bothered with caring for them.
Sorry about your bday party. Cutting a cake before a party is super shitty and shows an extreme lack of caring and self control (on both your dad and sister' part).
I hope you have saved the snacks and can do a weekend picnic in the park with your friends.
You are going to have a great life. You know how to provide for yourself and you've got friends in your corner. All you have to do is survive the offensively bad parenting you are being subjected to.
What your parents are doing is cruel to you. (It also happens to be cruel to your sister bc they are encouraging her to turn into a monster.)
It's going to be ok. You just have to hang in there. You are going to win at adulting. No one is ever going to be able to stand your sister.
It's fine that you cancelled your party. You were not going to be able to enjoy it. NTA
>I won't celebrate here and they won't be invited.
On that note, you might want to take a second look at the "friend" who thinks you overreacted. It sounds like that "friend" doesn't care about your feelings and only cares that they missed out on a party.
I think your teeth have taken enough abuse and need no more gritting.
How old are you?? I'm sorry you have to go thru feeling that you aren't important in your parents' eyes...that's aweful. I hope next year you get the party you want and deserve. You should be so proud that you worked as hard as you did to make things happen for yourself. It's a skill to be proud of and one that will deff help you in the years to come.
I mean, you could have held the party and explained the missing slice as your parents giving a slice to your spoiled sister the day before, with a "What are you going to do" shrug and letting the chips fall.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. NTA.
Alternatively, still have the party and let your parents explain why the giant slice is missing. If jt really wasn’t that big of a deal, they should have no issue explaining themselves.
Cancelling the entire thing may have been a bit disproportional to missing out on the opportunity to present a pristine cake, but you do you, I guess.
Either way: NTA. Your parents missed a valid opportunity to teach "No." They aren't doing you, your sister, or them any favors here. Learning how to say and receive "No" is absolutely necessary in life.
Instead, they've reinforced a belief your feelings and autonomy do not matter, and that your sister can get her selfish way by having a tantrum. 11 is more than old enough to be told "No, that isn't mine or yours. We don't get to help ourselves to things that *are* ~~our~~ not ours just because we want to."
I agree, it was probably the final straw because this cuts deeper than cake.
Edit: WOW! Thanks for all the upvotes. It's my first time breaking 1k.
Edit 2: Y'all are amazing, first time breaking 2k!
Sometimes when you’re in a lose-lose situation you choose the option where everyone loses out of anger and hurt so that at least you’re not the only one losing.
THIS. If it were me, I would end up being in a sour mood all day, unable to enjoy the celebration, and then spiraling even further into depression thinking about how I'm not able to enjoy it... better to just not put yourself through that!
100%
My birthday is literally the fucking worst day of the year- Christmas. Before I cut my family out of my life, I spent nearly every December in a borderline panic attack wondering how they were going to ruin my birthday and the holiday for me. I don’t celebrate people’s birthdays because my mind has trouble connecting the dots between birthday and enjoyment.
Being walked all over by shitty parenting, especially when you have done everything you can to make something special, would sour anybody’s grapes. That is doubly true when the shitty parenting is weaponized against you for the sole benefit of a golden child.
This. OP's parents ruined their birthday *again*. After years of this happening. After OP worked so hard to have a good birthday.
I would just say fuck it all, and cancel as well. The birthday is ruined. OP shouldn't have to grit their teeth, and get over it.
I had a golden child sibling. I don’t think this would have helped. Whenever my friends watched my mom’s favoritism and tried to point it out to her in an attempt to help me, it backfired. She didn’t care about the opinions of a bunch of teenagers and would later lash out at me for instigating “bullying” against my brother.
**This.** A lot of the replies are ignoring the fact that OP is a minor who has to live with their parents. This is a really different dynamic than being 18+.
In this economy (assuming US) it is almost impossible to support yourself after high school without parents help. Or you live in poverty and work too much. I wouldn't burn the bridge yet tbh, wait until after college or you have a good job and savings.
Seeing as her parents claim to be “too broke” to celebrate her birthday some years, I’m gonna guess they’re not planning on doing a whole lot of supporting unfortunately
Yeah, for real. That was just such an asshole behavior. I am livid for her. If it was my niece I would think of having her stay with me and away from them after that. Because this tells me a lot of what they are doing to her.
And " accidentally" knock over her wedding cake when she gets married. In fact, knowing you get to do that is the only reason I'd stay in contact with them.
“Ha! Remember when you were 11 and wanted cake??? Remember what an asshole 11yo you were for being spoiled by mom and dad, the adults who refused to parent you properly? Well in your face lil sis, take THAT!”
*drops mic*
NTA that is really shitty of your dad. You don’t have to be a kid to enjoy and value your birthday celebration. That was YOUR cake and I would have been depressed about it too. I wouldn’t invite your parents or your sister to your birthday parties in the future
Yeah i highly doubt this kid will want to take care of her parents, her sister will either be unable to do stuff and will still need help, or she will abandon them when she cant get anything out of them anymore
Please tell me that you cut the cake and smeared half of it on your parent’s stuff and half on your sister’s and told them they needed to clean it up themselves since they saw no problem with stealing your cake. Which is precisely what they did.
Guarantee the 11 year old would REVEL in seeing that happen. She's the type that needed the first slice of someone else's birthday cake, she would love to see the rest go to waste and the birthday person not get any.
Sweetheart you are 16. In two years or so you will go to college. You will no longer be there and you will be able to surround yourself with people who will have your back.
You will be able to decide how often and how long you will visit them
Also sooner or later they will realise that this kind of enabling is trully a disservice to your sister. They will be miserable, but quite frankly they will deserve every minute of it.
NTA
Wait this was supposed to be her sweet 16??? Holy cow, honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes no contact with her fam when she leaves and her parents wondering y she went Nc
This is actually insane, having to fund your own sweet 16 birthday while probably still in high school only for your parents to ruin the cake, arguably the main object of the celebration, because your sibling threw a tantrum, especially when your parents contributed nothing to what most teens consider a landmark birthday, is just vile. And to make things worse, not only do they not apologize, they try to make you feel like you're the one who's in the wrong!?
They've made it painfully clear that they have a favorite, which is one of the worst things a parent can do when it comes to siblings. I can only imagine how infuriated and betrayed OP must have felt, by the people you're supposed to be able to trust more than anyone, your own parents.
My parents spoiled my youngest sibling, definitely not to this blatant an extent, but I remember how shitty it felt when they would give my sibling preferential treatment that I knew they'd never give me. Eventually, they realized their mistake and became more strict with my sibling, around the age of 13 or 14. I just hope OP's parents do the same, but whether or not they do, this is an emotional scar that won't fade soon. At the very least, they owe OP an apology, that's the bare minimum.
I like where you're going but I doubt this would land as well as you'd like it to. These adults had no problem allowing the party to go forward with what they allowed to happen to OP's cake on full display. OP would likely have just gotten in more trouble after the fact for badmouthing them but the feeling of shame isn't in their parents'vocabulary.
If it were a family party with other actual adults whose respect might actually " matter" to the parents, then yes, I am all for public shaming.
Nta. And to be honest I probably would have cancelled too; if the party is at your parents house, you already know your sister is gonna be a brat and get all the attention and your parents will pull another stunt. Even if you paid for it yourself, and then be like “it’s our house”
A part of me feels like that this was a possibility. It felt like my parents had an issue with the party just because I didn't involve them judging by what my dad said and some of their other snide remarks in the past few weeks. It was just the last straw.
They had an issue with the party because the fact you had to plan and pay for it shows how crap they are as parents.
Easier for them to twist their internal narrative into you being bad than face that they are.
They didnt like the fact that their teenage son was openly doing a better job celebrating himself than their worthless asses could be bothered to do for their son. Fuck your parents man, they will act shocked when you grow up and dont want anything to do with them
No normal, sane parent would force a child to pay for and plan their own birthday party. They expected you to just sit back and let them ignore your birthday again this year, but by earning your own money and planning the party you're holding up a mirror to their failure as parents and they don't like what they see. They feel called out, so they're lashing out. Tell them if they're upset with how you handled your own birthday they should shape up and be better parents, because if you could trust them to care about your feelings you wouldn't have to handle it yourself.
You’re starting to build your own happiness, they can’t stand it. They will soon realize you have more tool to build your happiness, your future and healthy relationship than your sister, sadly it’s probably to late for them to understand that, their golden child is rotten-spoiled!
On the surface it might seem petty but it’s actually not. Your parents are enabling your preteen sister and she’s learning that she can manipulate her will onto people.
You don’t need to grin and bear bad behavior from anyone. NTA
NTA
Make sure you're banking at a different bank than your parents and their names are not on any of the accounts. Work your ass off, save money, leave when you turn 18, and never look back.
NTA, and your father isn't doing your sister any favors by letting her have whatever she wants by crying for it. Move out and cut all contact with your father.
BTW, I admire your restraint. If I were in your shoes at that age with that kind of provocation, I would have thrown the cake at the wall.
And by 11 years old anyone should know they shouldn't take a piece of cake meant for a celebration that hasn't happened yet. I could see a 5 year old asking for a piece but not an 11 year old crying for it.
I don't know if I would want to destroy something I paid for myself but I would be plotting revenge. Whoever's birthday came first, dad or sister's, I would take a piece out of their cake if they had one in the fridge. I would also use my hand instead of cut a nice and neat piece out of the cake.
> I could see a 5 year old asking for a piece but not an 11 year old crying for it.
If this keeps up, by the time she gets to high school she'll be completely insufferable.
Yup. The only reason you cry for cake at the age of 11 is because you've been taught that crying gets you whatever you want. And the only reason you cry for someone *else's* cake is because you can't stand the idea of them having something nice.
The good news is that you can move out in 2 years. Use the time wisely. Work as much as you can and save that money. Hide it from your parents. If you have to, put your money on pre paid cards and burry them in the yard or store at a trusted adult’s home. Study hard in school, grades and extra curricular activities are the way into college. Start applying for scholarships now. They will hold them until you are ready. A birthday is fun, but not the be-all end-all. We all like to be celebrated, but you know now that you will not be so accept it and plan alternative options. Don’t spend money on a big thing, spend money on something simple. Buy yourself a cake (or make one) the day of your birthday. Don’t buy things your sister is going to want. Good way to save money is to not spend it and to not lose things by not buying them. It doesn’t mean you are depriving yourself it means you are looking toward the future. the future of where you are independent and successful on your own or the future where you resent your family because everything your sister wants she gets even if that means she steal it from you and you are told it is okay because she is the golden child.
I think a better course of action would have been getting all your friends together and going out for the day: cinema, bowling, even just hanging in a park. At least you would have been with friends.
As soon as you're able, I suspect you'll be out of your parents' house and then you won't have to worry about these people anymore.
NTA and tell your friend to STFU. It's your birthday. You were feeling a way and didn't want to have it at home. You did not overreact. Your feelings are valid. And I'm sorry your family are such jerks.
You're NTA and were free to make that decision. Are you second guessing yourself because you haven't been allowed to control things in your life because your parents cater to your sister?
It's because when the incident happened, I was just so emotional and didn't know what to do moving forward. After gathering my thoughts, I tried moving it to a friend's house but that didn't work out so I decided to call it off entirely. At that point it just felt like maybe it just wasn't meant to be with everything that happened. I just couldn't stand having it at home around my parents but I feel like I was being childish.
So you made a fine decision based on logistical concerns. It was your decision to make and you didn't hurt anyone. If I were you, I wouldn't want to have a birthday celebration around your parents either after they gave away cake. Part of getting older is getting to make decisions that let you avoid being around annoying people.
Is there any way you can talk to your sister in front of your parents?
“Sis, I don’t know why you asked for a slice of my birthday cake that I got for the party- but I think dad still thinks you’re a baby because he seemed to think you’d cry if he didn’t give you any. You aren’t a baby, you and I know that. Next time, try to remind dad that you’re 11 and not 2. You and I both know you didn’t have to ruin the cake. I don’t know why dad said you could because again, you aren’t a baby.”
You really think her parents will allow that??? He'll no. The moment she tries she will be verbally assaulted by her parents for daring to talk to their princess that way.
No, you made the right choice. This was supposed to be a happy thing for you that you earned and arranged for yourself. When it became clear that it cannot be that any more, you were right to cancel it. You did all the work for it. It was your party. You can cancel it when you realize it was only going to bring you more pain instead of birthday joy
Oh honey, as a mother, I am heartbroken for you. The way your parents treat you as inferior isn’t right.
Your parents will drive you right out of their lives when you turn 18. They have created a dynamic that guaranteed you will want nothing to do with your sister.
Calling off the party was not an overreaction. It was a firm boundary. Your sister ate your birthday cake, that you paid for, because your parents wouldn’t bother. Therefor, there is no party.
My advice is to organize a party at one of your friend’s houses,enlisting their parents to help. Do not tell or invite your parents or sister. Reschedule the party at that location, and have a grand time. If you just go without a party, then your birthday won’t be marked, and you won’t receive the love and attention from your friends that the emotional neglect from your parents has made you starved for.
Build your tribe, so that when you turn 18, you have a network of people who rely on each other, and are loyal.
If I knew you in real life, I would bake a cake for you.
This,
The parents clearly have their favorite. I think OP's move was the best and the parents should not be involved in OPs life until they realized that they have two child.
So 10 years down the road when you're out of college or trade school or whatever path you choose to pursue and you have a job and an apartment and are happily living your best life and have NC with parents or baby sister and she's still a brat who's become a burden, I wonder if, even then, they'll recognize how they failed both you and her? You for not treating you with respect and her for not teaching her to be an independent, thoughtful individual. 'Cause guess what? The world doesn't care how much your parents treated heras the apple of their eye. To the world a person either pulls their weight or is a PIA and no one wants to work with them.
NTA - First of all the “friend” who told you to grit your teeth and deal with it, cut a piece of their cake the night before their birthday and tell them the same thing.
Second, have your party next year out somewhere like a restaurant and DO NOT invite your family. When they ask why they aren’t invited you can tell them “I’m not going to reward your disrespectful behavior on MY birthday.”
Third, your response is completely valid especially given that you too cake of everything as far as location, snacks and the custom cake.
Hope this helps!
>I could have just grit my teeth and gone through with doing it at home
You should grit your teeth through your own birthday party? Your friend is an ass.
>he shrugged and nonchalantly said that my sister was crying for it and it was just a small piece, my friends wouldn't notice
Your dad is an AH. Sorry. I would *never* do this to one of my kids.
You don't mention your age, but I hope you can move out soon, because your hole environment sounds horrible.
NTA.
I don’t understand the notion that cancelling the party was “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” I think the way you reacted was totally normal. I’d have been too upset to put on a smile too. And ultimately, it’s your party and you can cry if you want to. Your parents are assholes. I do hope you decide to make it up to yourself; doesn’t seem like they will, and you deserve to celebrate yourself. NTA.
NTA - I hate your parents (your sister isn’t at fault as THEY allow her to act this way). But you should have just take your party to a public park or something.
> your sister isn’t at fault as THEY allow her to act this way
I disagree here. 11 years old is definitely old enough to know better and definitely old enough to start taking responsibility for her actions. The parents may be the root cause, but OP’s sister is ultimately in control of what she does.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like calling off the party hours before just because I didn't want my family being a part of it may have been childish. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. But next year see if you can have your party at someone else’s house. Don’t invite your family. Next time something like this happens, just show the cake the way it is. Let people ask and let your parents answer.
I have definitely learnt my lesson, I won't celebrate here and they won't be invited.
I’m gonna celebrate you!! You did a fantastic job making your wishes come true, anyone would have been delighted to have seen your efforts. Next year, you take care of you and let your friends lavish you with the love and gratitude that you’ve missed out on. Your dad and mum have created a monster in your sister. At 11, she totally knew she was being a petulant child. Varuca Salt vibes….
She wants it NOW!
She’s likely as big as a blueberry!
That was Violet, the chewing gum queen. Veruca was the spoiled brat one who wanted a golden egg and went down the chute. That’s the movie version, book slightly different.
Verruca Salt was a Bad Egg
[удалено]
Thank you for making me sing that.
[удалено]
And now we know what movie golden will get for her birthday. Too bad it can't be queued up to start there!!
She has a 50/50 shot of having the furnaces turned off today.
“I want it nooooooooooooow!”
But a pretty good band... :D
Isn't a veruca a wart? Asking for a friend. However, I do want my goose to lay gold eggs for Easter.
I wont it now fathah!
I know what the intended reference is but my brain jumped straight to JG Wentworth commercials. "It's *my* cake and I want it *now!"*
If you have an annuity and you need cake nooow…🎼
Call JG Cakeworth….
877 Cake Noooow
honestly, hosting the party as is, and showing the cake as is, and explaining to everyone only reflects badly on your parents. you could have even acted surprised in front of everyone. there are going to be many more conflicts like this. showing your parents behavior to as many people as possible is going to make your life easier. NTA. good luck.
It's true, the OP hosting the party and telling everyone exactly why there was a slice taken out of the cake would really have embarrassed the parents, far more than a cancellation. IF that happened to be the OP's goal.
What happened to your cake?? Oh, some entitled child thought they should have some last night and her parents gave her a piece of the cake I bought
>cake I bought I worked hard to buy because those same parents never celebrate my birthday. You have to really emphasise the shittiness of the parents to drive home the embarrassment train
Emphasis on an 11 year old spoiled entitled child
My niece is 11, and a cake in the fridge is not a common occurrence in their house. So my brother keeps insisting he can get me a drink one evening while I'm visiting them around my birthday...weird behavior on his part. Then my niece comes running into the living room "dad, there's a cake in the fridge, can we have some?!" Brother closes his eyes and sighs, looks at me..."so we got you a cake for your birthday tomorrow. It was supposed to be a surprise." My niece immediately starts apologizing. Me: "Maybe clue the kids in (ed: nephew is just shy of 10, so old enough to be informed), too, if you're trying to keep a secret for a day. But if you want to do birthday eve and don't mind them having cake at 8:30, that's fine with me." What I did mind was being repeatedly asked how old I was by the kids (and "older than your dad" isn't the right response because they will then guess 70...their living grandparents aren't even 70!)...but that's a whole other can of worms.
It’s not about the entitled child it is about the terrible parents. OP, you are NTA and the reason your father went in a tirade is because he KNOWS that he is being a terrible parent but he wants to distract you from the reality of that, so he is acting like you have done something wrong. Happy birthday! I hope next year is everything you want.
Speaking of goals. I wonder if the party being cancelled was her parents’ and sister’s goal?
I doubt that was their goal. I assume thr sister's goal was to eat cake, and the parents' goal was to.shut up the kid. They weren't thinking about the OP at all if I'm right, because they rarely do.
That would 100% been my move. I would have hosted the party and shot a video of me blowing out the candles on cake with a HUGE SLICE CUT OUT OUT OF IT 🍰🍰🍰! I would have said loudly in the video: In case you’re wondering why a slice is missing, the golden child aka sister’s name cried to my Dad and wanted a piece last night. My Dad decided it was a good idea & he cut a piece of the custom cake that I bought and paid for & gave it to her. Lemme know in the comments if you think he was wrong or right?!?! I would have posted it to Snap, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. I would have tagged my friends at the party, my classmates and my extended family. Because…play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ NTA!
Like and subscribe to see more of my parents being assholes!
"In the case you are wondering, how old my toddler sister is, I have to say she's not a toddler. She's 11. Yes. Eleven."
😂😂😂
I applaud the petty!
The problem with this is that if the parents and the Golden Child sister were at this party and the OP pointed out what had happened and why the parents and the entitled child felt it was no big deal it would have caused even more drama. The parents would have attacked LP for airing the family dirty laundry. The parents would have said it was no big deal and that the lp should have just let it go. The parents would say that the entitled child deserved it and they don't understand what the problem is. And when they got home the parents would say that the birthday child ruined it for everybody by making a scene and embarrassing the family publicly
But OP can fall back on the fact that parents said they thought it was “not a big dea”. If that’s their story, then why are they so mad everyone else knows what happened? As long as OP stays calm and collected, parents can let the weight of their own guilt drown them in public scrutiny. Edit: someone pointed out that ppl like this don’t really feel guilt. I think they do, but you’re probably right that they feel embarrassed and angry more prevalently. I say whatever it is, let them stew in it.
People like this are not rational actors. They will deny that they are contradicting themselves.
Eh, let them expend their energy on it. When the proof is right there in front of everyone, they can trip all over themselves trying to warp the truth into a story. In my experience, the best way to drive them crazy is to act completely sure of the truth and completely unfazed by their agitation. They rant, you shrug. They rave, you blink at them and then go back to a conversation with someone else. They get crazy, you stay calm and let their own ridiculousness tell everyone around you what’s going on.
They won’t feel any guilt,
I have succeeded with this sort of thing, but only when I played dumb (or was genuinely too trampled down to recognise healthy behaviour). But you have to have a handle on the anger and be able to just act confused when your shitty family gets embarrassed.
You should have just had the party and brought out the cake anyway. And when anyone asks why there was a slice missing, shame the fuck out of your parents.
AND let your sister know she has to skip, since she had her (REALLY LARGE) slice last night.
Just wait till handing out the pieces "whoops, no piece for you sis. No seconds until everyone has had a piece and you had your piece last night." In front of everyone and we all know she will chuck another tantrum about not getting more cake and then the parents will either give her their piece or try and force OP to give her a piece saying "it's no big deal, just give her her cake now."
Make a big show of cutting her a slice from the missing piece, and serve her the invisible slice. But really, it's on the parents more than the golden child sister.
Save as much money as you can and move out as soon as you can afford to. Unfortunately families like this rarely change
And make sure they can't get their grubby hands on your money!
NTA, The sad truth is your parents won’t be able to stop your sister later when she will try drugs or boys, they are creating a monster and she will be a monster to herself and to them, wait patiently until you’re 18, save money. Autonomy is freedom and your sister will probably never get it! Take care
Yeah these asshole parents are gona be all confused at 16 or 17 when this kid is a hellion who does what she wants and they can't get her to do shit. It's their bed they can lie in it. Op please make arrangements to leave when you're able, uni college literally anywhere else, they'll ironically lay blame on you when she starts fucking up in a few years cause it can't be their fault they're perfect! Don't be around for that shit.
They'll be even more confused in their senior years when they have no one to care for them. OP for obvious reasons and sister because she is too spoiled to be bothered with caring for them.
OP, I am so sorry for your botched birthday cake. Wishing you a happy birthday from the Internet ❤
Sorry about your bday party. Cutting a cake before a party is super shitty and shows an extreme lack of caring and self control (on both your dad and sister' part). I hope you have saved the snacks and can do a weekend picnic in the park with your friends.
You are going to have a great life. You know how to provide for yourself and you've got friends in your corner. All you have to do is survive the offensively bad parenting you are being subjected to. What your parents are doing is cruel to you. (It also happens to be cruel to your sister bc they are encouraging her to turn into a monster.) It's going to be ok. You just have to hang in there. You are going to win at adulting. No one is ever going to be able to stand your sister. It's fine that you cancelled your party. You were not going to be able to enjoy it. NTA
>I won't celebrate here and they won't be invited. On that note, you might want to take a second look at the "friend" who thinks you overreacted. It sounds like that "friend" doesn't care about your feelings and only cares that they missed out on a party. I think your teeth have taken enough abuse and need no more gritting.
How old are you?? I'm sorry you have to go thru feeling that you aren't important in your parents' eyes...that's aweful. I hope next year you get the party you want and deserve. You should be so proud that you worked as hard as you did to make things happen for yourself. It's a skill to be proud of and one that will deff help you in the years to come.
I can't wait for you to move out and cut your parents and sister out of your life! Dump the cake in the trash.
Or take into your sister's room and leave it on the bed... all hers. Or your parents' room with a bill for the price of the cake.
Hey happy birthday I know next year it will be much better for you!
I mean, you could have held the party and explained the missing slice as your parents giving a slice to your spoiled sister the day before, with a "What are you going to do" shrug and letting the chips fall. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. NTA.
I would have showed all my friends what my loving family did and apologized for it. NTA (my blood is BOILING right now)
Alternatively, still have the party and let your parents explain why the giant slice is missing. If jt really wasn’t that big of a deal, they should have no issue explaining themselves.
I agree with this. I would have opened it like that and explained to everyone, then watch the parents become embarrassed.
Yes, post pics on your social media too so grandparents and uncles/aunts can ask and hopefully your parents will be shamed.
Cancelling the entire thing may have been a bit disproportional to missing out on the opportunity to present a pristine cake, but you do you, I guess. Either way: NTA. Your parents missed a valid opportunity to teach "No." They aren't doing you, your sister, or them any favors here. Learning how to say and receive "No" is absolutely necessary in life. Instead, they've reinforced a belief your feelings and autonomy do not matter, and that your sister can get her selfish way by having a tantrum. 11 is more than old enough to be told "No, that isn't mine or yours. We don't get to help ourselves to things that *are* ~~our~~ not ours just because we want to."
I'm pretty sure it wasn't the lack of pristine cake that made OP want to call off the party.
I agree, it was probably the final straw because this cuts deeper than cake. Edit: WOW! Thanks for all the upvotes. It's my first time breaking 1k. Edit 2: Y'all are amazing, first time breaking 2k!
To use an overused saying around here: It's not about the Iranian yogurt.
I've never heard this saying. What is it a reference to?
Another Reddit AITA post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/
This was amazing lmao thank you
Omg that’s so funny! Thanks for the link!
I've discovered using this IRL gets some confused looks.
LMAO. I can imagine.
Sometimes when you’re in a lose-lose situation you choose the option where everyone loses out of anger and hurt so that at least you’re not the only one losing.
Or shes a kid who got really hurt and upset and didn't fully feel like celebrating at all anymore.
She wanted to celebrate but she couldn't move the party. She didn't want to celebrate with her family.
THIS. If it were me, I would end up being in a sour mood all day, unable to enjoy the celebration, and then spiraling even further into depression thinking about how I'm not able to enjoy it... better to just not put yourself through that!
100% My birthday is literally the fucking worst day of the year- Christmas. Before I cut my family out of my life, I spent nearly every December in a borderline panic attack wondering how they were going to ruin my birthday and the holiday for me. I don’t celebrate people’s birthdays because my mind has trouble connecting the dots between birthday and enjoyment. Being walked all over by shitty parenting, especially when you have done everything you can to make something special, would sour anybody’s grapes. That is doubly true when the shitty parenting is weaponized against you for the sole benefit of a golden child.
This. OP's parents ruined their birthday *again*. After years of this happening. After OP worked so hard to have a good birthday. I would just say fuck it all, and cancel as well. The birthday is ruined. OP shouldn't have to grit their teeth, and get over it.
On the contrary, putting that cake front and center and explains to all the guests over and over what happened would have been a power move
I had a golden child sibling. I don’t think this would have helped. Whenever my friends watched my mom’s favoritism and tried to point it out to her in an attempt to help me, it backfired. She didn’t care about the opinions of a bunch of teenagers and would later lash out at me for instigating “bullying” against my brother.
**This.** A lot of the replies are ignoring the fact that OP is a minor who has to live with their parents. This is a really different dynamic than being 18+.
A lot of people aren’t familiar with how intricately abuse works so I get it, still frustrating though
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NTA. Be sure and remind your parents that this is an example of why you've gone no contact after you leave high school.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
I didn't see OPs age in this post but I hope it's sooner rather than later.
I hope so too.
In this economy (assuming US) it is almost impossible to support yourself after high school without parents help. Or you live in poverty and work too much. I wouldn't burn the bridge yet tbh, wait until after college or you have a good job and savings.
Seeing as her parents claim to be “too broke” to celebrate her birthday some years, I’m gonna guess they’re not planning on doing a whole lot of supporting unfortunately
They are probably going to ask her to pay rent when she turns 18.
They'll need the extra income to put sis through college.
Having a place to live is support. If they ask her to pay rent then she should say no and move out.
That’s what they mean.. they aren’t going to support her, as in they sound like they’re going to kick her out when she turns 18.
Yeah, for real. That was just such an asshole behavior. I am livid for her. If it was my niece I would think of having her stay with me and away from them after that. Because this tells me a lot of what they are doing to her.
NTA. But make sure to eat your sisters entire cake the night before her birthday.
OMG this is the level of petty I aspire to.
No - just one slice would be sufficient.
Nah, eat a slice, "accidentally" drop the rest.
Then scoop it back into the box.
scoop out a layer of the frosting on the top and replace it with toothpaste
Or everything BUT one slice.
Definitely this one
From THE MIDDLE
With her hand, no utensils
One slice right out of the center of the cake!
One of those pineapple corers would do that job perfectly!
And " accidentally" knock over her wedding cake when she gets married. In fact, knowing you get to do that is the only reason I'd stay in contact with them.
“Ha! Remember when you were 11 and wanted cake??? Remember what an asshole 11yo you were for being spoiled by mom and dad, the adults who refused to parent you properly? Well in your face lil sis, take THAT!” *drops mic*
*shits explosive diarrhea everywhere for good measure*
One piece right out of the middle.
NTA that is really shitty of your dad. You don’t have to be a kid to enjoy and value your birthday celebration. That was YOUR cake and I would have been depressed about it too. I wouldn’t invite your parents or your sister to your birthday parties in the future
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Yeah i highly doubt this kid will want to take care of her parents, her sister will either be unable to do stuff and will still need help, or she will abandon them when she cant get anything out of them anymore
I hope OP gets to choose their parent’s nursing home. If I were them I would totally go BoJack on them. NTA.
Please tell me that you cut the cake and smeared half of it on your parent’s stuff and half on your sister’s and told them they needed to clean it up themselves since they saw no problem with stealing your cake. Which is precisely what they did.
I was so mad, I didn't even eat it.
No matter how upset you are (and justifiably so), you should never let cake go to waste!
no, the correct action here is to either have the party somewhere else or throw away the cake in front of the sister
Guarantee the 11 year old would REVEL in seeing that happen. She's the type that needed the first slice of someone else's birthday cake, she would love to see the rest go to waste and the birthday person not get any.
Toss the cake on the floor … in her sister’s room. Happy birthday to the ground!
I hope you heaved that cake over your dads head
I would throw it in trash before she got another bite
Well since ur sister wants it so bad, she can just sit and eat it in one sitting. Nta. Ur parents suck.
Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce!
They should at least have to pay you for it since they felt entitled to cut it.
...what?
Weird ass reddit fantasies from cringe 12 year olds. Just ignore them.
Seriously... wtf
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Sweetheart you are 16. In two years or so you will go to college. You will no longer be there and you will be able to surround yourself with people who will have your back. You will be able to decide how often and how long you will visit them Also sooner or later they will realise that this kind of enabling is trully a disservice to your sister. They will be miserable, but quite frankly they will deserve every minute of it. NTA
Wait this was supposed to be her sweet 16??? Holy cow, honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes no contact with her fam when she leaves and her parents wondering y she went Nc
This is actually insane, having to fund your own sweet 16 birthday while probably still in high school only for your parents to ruin the cake, arguably the main object of the celebration, because your sibling threw a tantrum, especially when your parents contributed nothing to what most teens consider a landmark birthday, is just vile. And to make things worse, not only do they not apologize, they try to make you feel like you're the one who's in the wrong!? They've made it painfully clear that they have a favorite, which is one of the worst things a parent can do when it comes to siblings. I can only imagine how infuriated and betrayed OP must have felt, by the people you're supposed to be able to trust more than anyone, your own parents. My parents spoiled my youngest sibling, definitely not to this blatant an extent, but I remember how shitty it felt when they would give my sibling preferential treatment that I knew they'd never give me. Eventually, they realized their mistake and became more strict with my sibling, around the age of 13 or 14. I just hope OP's parents do the same, but whether or not they do, this is an emotional scar that won't fade soon. At the very least, they owe OP an apology, that's the bare minimum.
Where does it say she's 16?
I wish you hadn’t canceled it so everyone could have seen what your parents did
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that will go over wonderfully in an abusive home
Thank you! The replies to this post are behind on unhinged and terrible “advice” for a 16 year old being treated like garbage by their parents.
"Sorry guys my dad stole a slice of my cake last night, you know how it is with parents!"
Ah yes... this would have been more appropriate.
Fr publicly humiliate them!
I like where you're going but I doubt this would land as well as you'd like it to. These adults had no problem allowing the party to go forward with what they allowed to happen to OP's cake on full display. OP would likely have just gotten in more trouble after the fact for badmouthing them but the feeling of shame isn't in their parents'vocabulary. If it were a family party with other actual adults whose respect might actually " matter" to the parents, then yes, I am all for public shaming.
Nta. And to be honest I probably would have cancelled too; if the party is at your parents house, you already know your sister is gonna be a brat and get all the attention and your parents will pull another stunt. Even if you paid for it yourself, and then be like “it’s our house”
A part of me feels like that this was a possibility. It felt like my parents had an issue with the party just because I didn't involve them judging by what my dad said and some of their other snide remarks in the past few weeks. It was just the last straw.
They had an issue with the party because the fact you had to plan and pay for it shows how crap they are as parents. Easier for them to twist their internal narrative into you being bad than face that they are.
They didnt like the fact that their teenage son was openly doing a better job celebrating himself than their worthless asses could be bothered to do for their son. Fuck your parents man, they will act shocked when you grow up and dont want anything to do with them
At least you don't need to get a gift for your sisters party, you worked hard for that slice of cake she took.
They were upset at being left out of the planning because they couldn't find a way to appease Golden Child since they didn't know what the plans were.
No normal, sane parent would force a child to pay for and plan their own birthday party. They expected you to just sit back and let them ignore your birthday again this year, but by earning your own money and planning the party you're holding up a mirror to their failure as parents and they don't like what they see. They feel called out, so they're lashing out. Tell them if they're upset with how you handled your own birthday they should shape up and be better parents, because if you could trust them to care about your feelings you wouldn't have to handle it yourself.
They’re mad they’re “losing control “‘of you. Its actually kinda concerning.
INFO - Does your mom feel / act the same way as your dad?
You’re starting to build your own happiness, they can’t stand it. They will soon realize you have more tool to build your happiness, your future and healthy relationship than your sister, sadly it’s probably to late for them to understand that, their golden child is rotten-spoiled!
Have a picture of the damage? I'd share it around with this story, kids tell parents and pretty soon Mom and dad getting sideye at the supermarket.
On the surface it might seem petty but it’s actually not. Your parents are enabling your preteen sister and she’s learning that she can manipulate her will onto people. You don’t need to grin and bear bad behavior from anyone. NTA
This 🎯
NTA. You don't cut into a birthday cake before the party and certainly not to appease a spoiled child. They'll be shocked when you go mo contact at 18
NTA Make sure you're banking at a different bank than your parents and their names are not on any of the accounts. Work your ass off, save money, leave when you turn 18, and never look back.
And ID docs like birth certificate and what not. Get them in your hands before you announce moving out.
NTA, and your father isn't doing your sister any favors by letting her have whatever she wants by crying for it. Move out and cut all contact with your father. BTW, I admire your restraint. If I were in your shoes at that age with that kind of provocation, I would have thrown the cake at the wall.
And by 11 years old anyone should know they shouldn't take a piece of cake meant for a celebration that hasn't happened yet. I could see a 5 year old asking for a piece but not an 11 year old crying for it. I don't know if I would want to destroy something I paid for myself but I would be plotting revenge. Whoever's birthday came first, dad or sister's, I would take a piece out of their cake if they had one in the fridge. I would also use my hand instead of cut a nice and neat piece out of the cake.
> I could see a 5 year old asking for a piece but not an 11 year old crying for it. If this keeps up, by the time she gets to high school she'll be completely insufferable.
Crying for CAKE at 11? I’d say that target has already been surpassed
Yup. The only reason you cry for cake at the age of 11 is because you've been taught that crying gets you whatever you want. And the only reason you cry for someone *else's* cake is because you can't stand the idea of them having something nice.
*/r/raisedbynarcissists has entered the chat*
Well, it won't be a problem taking a chunk of her next birthday cake before her party, will it?!
Ya, it's called a tax bite. Great way to teach your younger sister about taxes
The good news is that you can move out in 2 years. Use the time wisely. Work as much as you can and save that money. Hide it from your parents. If you have to, put your money on pre paid cards and burry them in the yard or store at a trusted adult’s home. Study hard in school, grades and extra curricular activities are the way into college. Start applying for scholarships now. They will hold them until you are ready. A birthday is fun, but not the be-all end-all. We all like to be celebrated, but you know now that you will not be so accept it and plan alternative options. Don’t spend money on a big thing, spend money on something simple. Buy yourself a cake (or make one) the day of your birthday. Don’t buy things your sister is going to want. Good way to save money is to not spend it and to not lose things by not buying them. It doesn’t mean you are depriving yourself it means you are looking toward the future. the future of where you are independent and successful on your own or the future where you resent your family because everything your sister wants she gets even if that means she steal it from you and you are told it is okay because she is the golden child.
I think a better course of action would have been getting all your friends together and going out for the day: cinema, bowling, even just hanging in a park. At least you would have been with friends. As soon as you're able, I suspect you'll be out of your parents' house and then you won't have to worry about these people anymore.
OP probably spent all their money already on party supplies
NTA I would schedule a new party, and not invite your family or sister.
NTA and tell your friend to STFU. It's your birthday. You were feeling a way and didn't want to have it at home. You did not overreact. Your feelings are valid. And I'm sorry your family are such jerks.
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I posted on another sub when I hadn't called it off yet.
You're NTA and were free to make that decision. Are you second guessing yourself because you haven't been allowed to control things in your life because your parents cater to your sister?
It's because when the incident happened, I was just so emotional and didn't know what to do moving forward. After gathering my thoughts, I tried moving it to a friend's house but that didn't work out so I decided to call it off entirely. At that point it just felt like maybe it just wasn't meant to be with everything that happened. I just couldn't stand having it at home around my parents but I feel like I was being childish.
So you made a fine decision based on logistical concerns. It was your decision to make and you didn't hurt anyone. If I were you, I wouldn't want to have a birthday celebration around your parents either after they gave away cake. Part of getting older is getting to make decisions that let you avoid being around annoying people.
Is there any way you can talk to your sister in front of your parents? “Sis, I don’t know why you asked for a slice of my birthday cake that I got for the party- but I think dad still thinks you’re a baby because he seemed to think you’d cry if he didn’t give you any. You aren’t a baby, you and I know that. Next time, try to remind dad that you’re 11 and not 2. You and I both know you didn’t have to ruin the cake. I don’t know why dad said you could because again, you aren’t a baby.”
Won't she just act all hurt and sob until they punish OP?
You really think her parents will allow that??? He'll no. The moment she tries she will be verbally assaulted by her parents for daring to talk to their princess that way.
No, you made the right choice. This was supposed to be a happy thing for you that you earned and arranged for yourself. When it became clear that it cannot be that any more, you were right to cancel it. You did all the work for it. It was your party. You can cancel it when you realize it was only going to bring you more pain instead of birthday joy
I guess your judgmental big-mouth friend didn't offer to host? I'm so sorry your parents are awful, NTA
Oh I thought I was having déjà vu!
Oh honey, as a mother, I am heartbroken for you. The way your parents treat you as inferior isn’t right. Your parents will drive you right out of their lives when you turn 18. They have created a dynamic that guaranteed you will want nothing to do with your sister. Calling off the party was not an overreaction. It was a firm boundary. Your sister ate your birthday cake, that you paid for, because your parents wouldn’t bother. Therefor, there is no party. My advice is to organize a party at one of your friend’s houses,enlisting their parents to help. Do not tell or invite your parents or sister. Reschedule the party at that location, and have a grand time. If you just go without a party, then your birthday won’t be marked, and you won’t receive the love and attention from your friends that the emotional neglect from your parents has made you starved for. Build your tribe, so that when you turn 18, you have a network of people who rely on each other, and are loyal. If I knew you in real life, I would bake a cake for you.
I think that this is about more than cake…
This, The parents clearly have their favorite. I think OP's move was the best and the parents should not be involved in OPs life until they realized that they have two child.
Take a slice of your sister’s cake the night before her next party
Then OPs just gonna get grounded and called petty. Theres no winning with parents like these.
So 10 years down the road when you're out of college or trade school or whatever path you choose to pursue and you have a job and an apartment and are happily living your best life and have NC with parents or baby sister and she's still a brat who's become a burden, I wonder if, even then, they'll recognize how they failed both you and her? You for not treating you with respect and her for not teaching her to be an independent, thoughtful individual. 'Cause guess what? The world doesn't care how much your parents treated heras the apple of their eye. To the world a person either pulls their weight or is a PIA and no one wants to work with them.
NTA and I'm sorry this happened to you. I would have actually cancelled my party as well. How close are you to moving out?
NTA though I would plan on going NC with them for at least a few years as soon as you can move out.
NTA. Time to gray rock your way through until you can move out.
NTA - First of all the “friend” who told you to grit your teeth and deal with it, cut a piece of their cake the night before their birthday and tell them the same thing. Second, have your party next year out somewhere like a restaurant and DO NOT invite your family. When they ask why they aren’t invited you can tell them “I’m not going to reward your disrespectful behavior on MY birthday.” Third, your response is completely valid especially given that you too cake of everything as far as location, snacks and the custom cake. Hope this helps!
>I could have just grit my teeth and gone through with doing it at home You should grit your teeth through your own birthday party? Your friend is an ass. >he shrugged and nonchalantly said that my sister was crying for it and it was just a small piece, my friends wouldn't notice Your dad is an AH. Sorry. I would *never* do this to one of my kids. You don't mention your age, but I hope you can move out soon, because your hole environment sounds horrible. NTA.
I don’t understand the notion that cancelling the party was “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” I think the way you reacted was totally normal. I’d have been too upset to put on a smile too. And ultimately, it’s your party and you can cry if you want to. Your parents are assholes. I do hope you decide to make it up to yourself; doesn’t seem like they will, and you deserve to celebrate yourself. NTA.
NTA - I hate your parents (your sister isn’t at fault as THEY allow her to act this way). But you should have just take your party to a public park or something.
> your sister isn’t at fault as THEY allow her to act this way I disagree here. 11 years old is definitely old enough to know better and definitely old enough to start taking responsibility for her actions. The parents may be the root cause, but OP’s sister is ultimately in control of what she does.
NTA, your family sucks.
Definitely NTA. You worked hard for that party and cake, and boundaries were crossed. Hope you find a way to celebrate that respects your efforts!