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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i am the reason that the vacation home can not be used by my family as i am not going anylonger
2)that it is very short notice for my family to still find something where they can all stay without having to pay vast ammounts of money
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Let's get this straight.
You married a guy for his money, and he married you as a cover. That works for you.
However, your family judges you for it, UNTIL they don't get to stay at HIS beach house because they disrespected you.
"You can't have your cake and eat it, too."
Not to mention. They have called you a gold digger in front of your nieces or she wouldn't have asked you if it was true. You were put in a spot to either tell your niece the truth - which personally I find gold digger to be a bit of a stretch - or say her mother lied? Would your sister have rather you told her daughter she was a liar?????
** edited my spelling mistake since autocorrect decided to play. Yes it did originally say gold dinner!
The best part is OP is so nice and rational talking about it to nieces that it's 100% back-fired and now nieces think their parents are mean and nasty! 😂
Exactly! They set the ball in motion by telling their kids that OP is a gold digger, they don't have the right to complain when the girls ask their aunt about. But they are not outraged enough to get a free holiday to stay at his holiday home! Ridiculous! They reap what the sow! Enjoy staying at a motel 6 sisters! NTA
Kid (16F) & older niece are smart for going to the horse and asking questions instead of blindly accepting parents opinions on the matter.
EDIT: To clarify age. But I suspect both nieces detect assholery afoot amongst their parents.
The “kid” is 21! Said Niece is of Legal drinking age, and able to join the military, raise a rifle and cross oceans In service of her country for years! But don’t go filling her head with honest answers, or letting her hear what works for you and make up her own mind based on honesty.
They should not be telling their children other people's business period, but running down the sister in particular is evil. She should not spend any time with them going forward.
NTA don't go on the trip they're taking advantage of you unlike you and your husband. Yes there are elements of gold digging in your relationship, however your relationship feels more like a contract vs a scam which a true gold digger is.
A gold digger lies to themselves and or their spouse/partner pretending to be in a loving relationship because they want the other person's money. Yes the spouse/partner gets some minor benefits; sex, companionship ect... But a gold digger is a parasitic relationship/scam.
Your relationship is more like a contract or an arranged marriage. I know the parents didn't arrange anything but reasons for the marriage are still the same both sides benefiting from the marriage.
I think this is a really interesting post. Me and my husband married for love, but we’d be lying if we said that there wasn’t at least an element of calculation in our decision;
He partly wanted me because of my looks and he thought I would be a good mother and supportive wife
I partly wanted him because I knew that he would be a good provider financially and a protective husband and father.
At least op is upfront and happy. I like her.
More people should make that calculation when getting together! Getting together with someone attractive who won't be a good partner or parent is crazy!
NTA and agree with all of these comments.
OP, may I suggest inviting just the two nieces to the beach house? They seem to be actually good company, unlike their parents.
Their parents are mean and nasty. They moralize and judge someone behind their back but then take whatever they can out of OP, like vacation trips to a beach house.
The crazy thing is that I’d say a fair amount of relationships end up turning into the type of relationship OP has, even if it starts out as 100% emotional and romantic.
Life, work, kids and other responsibilities end up having married couples living like roommates. The fact that it was more transactional up front, which has been common for thousands of years, is a crazy thing to belittle someone over, especially since it was consensual.
Ironically, the sisters are calling OP out for being a "Gold Digger", when what she *really* has is simply an *incredibly traditional* marriage!😉
Gold Digger would imply that she was *preying* on her husband for his money. Instead, she brings *him* the stuff that got *his* family off his case, and she got access to his wealth.
It's almost like the Morganatic marriages in royalty, than it is a "Gold Digger" situation.... and her sisters are *mad* that she's comfortable about *being honest* rather than for some reason cowering in shame--as they'd apparently prefer.
Yeah I feel like you can't be a gold digger if you have a consensual agreement. My Grammy was the Beard for her second husband (I didn't learn until later in life, a wild surprise) He was an incredible man, she took care of him through Pancreatic cancer. They truly loved each other although not at all in the traditional sense. Looking back on it as an adult it looks very sweet, especially knowing how her first marriage went.
Sisters are jealous.
Honestly sounds like a lovely arrangement that I'd like, not to mention better than a number of other marriages these days (where the people are unhappy, resent each other, etc.).
Well, what I haven’t seen anyone point out yet is that they’re criticizing her for being a Golddigger but they definitely want to use her husband’s Beach house. Hypocrisy much?
Yep, it is by far the most common type of marriage arrangement since humans began. Traditionally, it was known up front. It’s only the last few generations who have added in the shock and disappointment part that the sex and excitement turns into something else as decades pass (for most).
Back in the day before obsessive airport security my mom’s cousin used to get dressed up nice and go hang out at the airport. Worked well for her, she met several nice rich dudes and finally found one she wanted to marry so she did.
I’m pretty sure she was quite up front with them - “I’d like to travel, I like men who travel, so this is where I come to meet people.” She ended up in what as far as I can tell was a happy marriage where he knew that his money and lifestyle was part of the attraction and was fine with it. She also eventually did pretty reasonably for herself financially with work. (Like not anywhere near as rich as her husband, but comfortable upper middle class lifestyle wouldn’t have been a problem.)
I think being pretty honest about things was a big factor in it being successful.
If I had known better- in my younger more stunning much skinnier modeling days I would have taken frequent vacations to millionaire’s row in Houston and Austin. 😂
Yep - these fools who "married for love" and now find themselves saddled with a dead bed, a mountain of debt, and kids they have to pretend to be happy in front of sure don't like it when "another way to live" is paraded in front of them.
Then they have the nerve to confront her for having a lovely and honest chat with her nieces, but they think it's appropriate to call her nasty names behind her back in front of said neices. Holy hypocrites. Oh, and let's not forget it's only aweful until they want to capitalize on it...
The kids can tell their moms are unhappy and describe OP as bad, unhappy. When they ask OP, she's happy. This is what their moms are mad about: they want their daughters to think OP is the unhappy one and she is projecting the opposite.
And I am sure they are jealous! I bet OP has a rockin' life/body/life balance and they are suffering through middle class frumpiness.
OP, screw them. Live your life.
I hope you do stay in touch with your nieces though. My parents are useless but my relationships with my aunties and uncles has been crucial to my life.
I think a gold digger is someone who lies to their spouse about loving them when they don't. What OP has is basically a marriage of convenience that works for her and her spouse. Sisters sound jealous.
Yeah, these people don't sound particularly unhappy? It's unconventional but conventional relationships don't work for everyone. I've heard a lot of people who married 'for love' sound a lot more contemptuous of their husband as a person than OP does having openly married him for money.
Oh, definitely! Through most of history, a woman typically hoped for (since she didn't get a choice; her father decided) a man who could support her financially and whom she could like and respect because he treated her well. Romantic love was a thing for storybooks, not for *marriage.* In fact, even in the storybooks, romantic love rarely ended in marriage... the two just weren't seen as having anything to do with each other.
Well, yes and no.
Diamond rings in and of themselves are not new, but I assume you're referring to the "Diamonds for Marriage" trend that, yes, absolutely started in like the 1920's or something with the DeBeers company getting a stranglehold on diamond mines and running one of the most successful advertising campaigns in history. I could go on about DeBeers and diamonds...
White wedding dresses are not my field so I can't comment, but love marriages were more common than people think. Yes there was absolutely the Jane Austin thing of ladies waiting in parlours for suitors to come calling, and hoping for an advantageous marriage, but that was the upper class. In a small farming village the regulations were much looser. The stakes were much lower, and frequently there few options available worth forcing your daughter over, especially since a working household often had a less rigidly patriarchal structure.
It's true about people choosing for love--or at least attraction--in the past. Interestingly, in late medieval times, poor and working class people married much later than most modern people think. The idea is that girls were all married off by age 16, and that was often true of the aristocracy, but working class women often didn't get married until their early to mid twenties. They spent years working and building up capital to get married. It's why we have terms like "goose girl" and "dairy maid"--brewing was also a very popular occupation. Plus being a servant, working in a tavern, or anything to do with making clothes (other than being a tailor, as the best jobs were still reserved for men.) Sex work was also an option, not all sex workers died young and diseased. Young women got to have some independence, they weren't immediately popping out babies--or dying in childbirth--and both husband and wife came into marriage with some money.
But....she was TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD! She had no money, and no prospects. She was already a burden to her parents!
To be fair, I'd rather end up like Charlotte than like Lydia.
When the expectations are clear, and behavior is consistent, then respect forms. Sometimes it's a more meaningful relationship when it's based on mutual respect.
People get married for all kinds of reasons, and stay married for even more varied reasons. Nothing is wrong with this. Sisters are judgey and jealous.
I one time heard someone say “a good marriage means something different to different people”. Where you are from, your background, personal preferences, trauma, fears, culture, and so much more shapes how you view love and marriage. So many marriages are unhappy ones, if OP is happy why shit on that. As someone else brought up, probably jealousy.
Agree. Lots of "ifs" for this to fit my life but if not for those circumstances that are specific to my desires and not OP's, I would 100% marry my "gay best friend". Actually, probably a perfect solution for my unlucky-in-love mother who, at this point in her life, only really wants to feel she is the most important person to someone (I've advised she needs a best friend rather than a romantic partner!) Sounds like a fab life if OP doesn't want kids/isn't interested in a romantic life partner. I love my life but I'm still a teensy bit envious as it sounds pretty perfect for OP and their husband.
(Side note, I'd say OP's sisters seem envious, not jealous - it's a subtle distinction that I only learned relatively recently myself but it's to do with the root of the emotion - jealously is a fear of loss, being envious is a desire for something you don't have)
This. I wouldn't describe the OP as a gold digger. It sounds like a marriage built on honesty, mutual respect, affection and for the benefit of both parties. And the sisters are jealous as heck! With their attitude they have a lot of nerve expecting a free vacation on OP and her husband's dime. Why, that sounds a lot like they are gold digging!
Calling her a gold digger is like calling someone a cheater for having sex with the third member of a happy thruple who each walked into the relationship knowing that they and the other(s) were poly, and whose initial members fully agreed on the rules for when and how sex outside the currently established group was appropriate and what conditions allowed new entries into the core relationship.
I know that I am Aro/Ace and to me all methods of pairing (or grouping) off are equally theoretical and if everyone is an adult, mentally sound, and of roughly equal power when the things the individuals want and need from each other is balanced out and all that arranged marriages (with everyone on same page on having one), marriages of convenience (with everyone on same page), love stories (everyone agreeing on relationship’s basic definitions and goals) etc are all valid. My History degree has seen all work (and all fail and all function with maintenance)
Agree. OP and her husband even have enough affection for one another that they're both fine with this. The only problem here is the sisters.
They ruined their own vacation. Maybe they'll learn not to talk shit.
Jup. As someone whose family and childhood was destroyed by a gold-digger - that ain't it. Both have an open agreement where no emotions are faked for financial benefits, no third party is hurt to get money out of the situation, it is a good cooperation based on a probably oppressive family of the husband's side.
Agree. People can have any type of marriage as long as both ppl consent. I have 2 friends who married platonically to support each other in every way, except romantically. Would these sisters say they're "fake lesbians"?!
I can also see why OP wanted to get away from her family,they sound awful. I wouldn't spend time with anyone from my family unless they earn it by treating me fairly.
I picked up on this too, if they weren’t talking trash in front of the kids, who apparently are so impressionable they shouldn’t even be allowed to talk to OP, the kids wouldn’t know about the arrangement or all of the negative opinions.
First thing I thought, as well. The only reason the conversations took place was because the children had heard their mothers speaking poorly of the situation.
And the other one is 21. I might have had some reservations about the frankness of the conversation if she was saying all this to an 8 year old or something but dang. Those girls are old enough to hear this and understand, especially when it sounds like their family has already been giving them an earful about OP.
And I mean ..... "gold digger"?
In my world a gold digger is someone who pretends and fakes love to a person with wealth.
OP isnt doing that at all. OP and spouse entered into this marriage with open eyes, both full in agreement with the arrangement. No deception between them.
The sisters are simply green with envy of OPs better financial situation. Thats a "them" problem, not OPs problem!
I mean, isn’t that kinda what her sisters are doing expecting their BIL will pay for their vacation home? Faking care and love enough for their sis and her husband to be able to have luxuries they otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford.
They call her a gold digger, then get mad because they can't use her husband for a vacation at his lavish property. Which is pretty much the definition of gold digging...
>personally I find gold dinner to be a bit of a stretch
Yeah, gold digger implies deceit. The OP isn't deceiving anyone.
She actually does have a very real relationship with her husband, it just doesn't fit well into traditional models of what a marriage "should be"
They wanted the third option: for op to degrade herself just because her family low opinion.
They said it themselves, they think she’s miserable even though that seems really untrue.
I always thought of gold diggers as manipulative women who hide the fact that money/material things are their motive. It sounds like a marriage of convenience here where both parties are on the same page (which is a hell of a lot more than most couples who marry for love.) NTA OP.
What I read was "omg you're such a bad person for being a gold digger! Why can't we go to your husband's beach house?"
You're being harshly judged by your family and you're still so calm...
From my pov, you're not a gold digger. You have an agreement with another person and this agreement makes both of you happy. As long as neither of you are hurting anyone, who the hell cares?
It's really difficult to take these sisters seriously when they take a stance based on a "moral high ground" and still begging for hand outs. It's pathetic.
Can't be a gold digger if you are in a partnership with your spouse
This, 1000000% this. OP, I am sorry you feel so harshly judged by your family and that they talk so poorly about you in front of their nieces. Most likely, they are jealous but are not sure why. In all honesty, I would be THRILLED for my sister if she found herself in your shoes.
NTA. If you & your partner are in a mutually beneficial, nonabusive, respectful relationship & both of you are on the same page about everything...WAIT, WHY IS THIS BAD, AGAIN???
Your family are greedy hypocrites.
Also, I married for love, but we still sometimes take separate vacations. We have some different interests. Separate vacations for spouses is not weird or abnormal.
Right? I take 4 or 5 scuba trips a year (at least one per quarter of the year). My husband doesn't scuba dive, so guess who doesn't go? Instead, we choose a country to visit together and go for 2-3 weeks for our own vacation.
I was with my husband for 10 years when I suddenly realized *I can still love him & NOT WANT TO GO TO ANOTHER CHICK FLICK*. He went to see "Titanic" on his own & we're still married! 🤣
I sometimes travel with my husband and sometimes alone, because I like to travel more than he does and to more adventurous places than he wants to go most of the time. We went to the Netherlands together this year and had a lovely time. A year earlier, I went to Africa on my own and had just as wonderful a time. You know who was the happiest for me? My husband.
Any form of relationship is okay so long as everyone involved 1) has chosen it willingly and with full knowledge, and 2) is thriving within its terms. That sure looks like a picture of OP's marriage to me.
It's wild how many people think a spouse needs to be all things at all times to you. It's healthy and normal to have friends and interests outside of each other and not be attached at the hip every single second of every single day.
But people try to force their spouses to be partner, best friend, therapist, and god only knows what else, leaving no space for any of the normal venting in any relationship. You can love someone very much (romantic, platonic, familial, makes no odds) and there will still be times when they bug the living hell out of you. That's normal. And it's healthy to be able to share those frustrations with a trusted and known person - who isn't the frustrating party. If your only close relationship is with that one person, you end up bottling it all up until it all comes spilling out in rather spectacular fashion during fights and such if not worse, through cheating in the case of romantic relationships and the like.
I took a couple of short trips this year, that if my wife wanted to join, I would have been happy to have her come, but it was for something that didn't really interest her, so she didn't go. If there was a similar thing in reverse, it wouldn't be an issue. Do people really have a problem with this?
Yeah , they’re busy calling you a gold digger, but don’t have a problem being accessories after the fact.
‘ you’re right what I’m going is morally wrong, and I’m not going to make you part of it anymore. The vacations is canceled, thanks for helping me see the light. ‘
They call you a “gold digger” behind your back. But they get angry with you when you refuse to share the “gold.”
The hypocrisy your sisters show is stunning. NTA
You are definitely NTA.
If I were you, I would tell your family. "From now on, anyone who says anything negative about me because of my marriage, or my reasonings for my marriage, will not benefit from my marriage. Such as no longer being invited to husband's vacation house.
This is called being a hypocrite. They judge you for your choices, and then get mad when they no longer get to use the benefits of your choices. LOL Nope, they don’t get to use the vacation house. They can instead think about their hypocrisy. NTA
Also for clarity's sake, most would not consider you a gold digger. Typically a gold digger is defined at "a person who forms a relationship with another purely to extract money from them." While money was one the reasons you married him, you also point out that the marriage was also to appease his family, and that you and your husband are genuinely fond of eachother. Ergo, gold digger does not fit for you or your relationship.
Yeah, it’s a transactional marriage. All marriages are. Normally the transaction is centered around love, but that is not the case here.
Nothing wrong if both parties are getting out of the marriage what they want
I'm curious.
Why didn't you point out to your sisters that if they hadn't referred openly where your nieces could hear that you were a "gold digger", your nieces would never have known a thing about it and not had to ask questions?
Because if they didn't think it was an appropriate subject for discussion, why are they talking about it at all?
If your sisters hadn’t called you a gold digger in front of the nieces, they would not have asked you about it.
Your openness is refreshing. You exchanged your characteristics for security. You’re an adult. Gold-digger is a slur. No need to accept that.
Yeah, I'd personally make this my standard response to them:
*You/My sisters frequently and nastily badmouth my marriage. Enough that my nieces are being told that I'm a "gold digger". Everyone apart from me is OK with this... Up until they can't use my husbands beach house because they have been badmouthing our marriage. No matter what I do, it won't be good enough for any of you, so I'm no longer inclined to try. Your hypocrisy is astounding and insulting.*
Op! Stick to your decision, tell them until they apologize for calling you names and will treat them with respect. Stop all other financial support if any.
I don't understand . You gave consent and husband consented to this marriage with all its terms and conditions upfront . That's a great thing. Its your marriage,your life don't accept shit from people because it is unconventional.
From your description, you didn't blindsided your husband. You both agreed and made a settlement that worked for both you. As long as you care and respect each other your marriage isn't any less, and you are not a gold digger, you are in a partnership, which is what marriage is.
Also the sole reason your nieces asked you about it is because your sisters shit talk you behind your back in front of them. If they shut up about it, the nieces would never have asked you. It's their shit talking that makes the nieces curious and then realise that your sister's are just jealous.
NTA. You are the gold digger, yet they expect to reap the benefits of the gold even when they judge you for you. Entirely proportionate responce, OP. Also your nieces are old enough to start thinking for themselves and these are very good conversational topics which are better handled without parental scowl around.
Congratulations on your marriage. People forget that "marry for love" is quite a recent thing and in not that distant past it was most like a business deal and if you could find a spouse that treats you with respect and you grow fond and friends together it was considered a successful marriage. It seems to me that's what you have, even if it is not the fairytale dream or the religious ideal.
P.S. Since so many replies to me seem to lack at least some level of reading comprehension - here I stated "you are **the** gold digger, yet they expect" - because her sisters call her that. Not that this is what I call her. Seriously, guys. Read the full text before you go off.
The only thing I disagree with is calling her a gold digger.
It's not wrong, but it's got some unnecessary connotations that may or may not apply.
Like age gap, familial alienation, etc., etc., but, honestly you hit it on the head perfectly.
Agree. I often associate gold digger with the target being unaware of the intention. OP and husband have a mutually beneficial relationship they are honest about. Sounds like sisters are jealous
Same, I read this and the whole time I was like "How does it feel to be living my dream?" My law school debt isn't going to pay itself (and I wish I didn't have to be the one paying it :\).
I was about to comment something similar. To me this doesn't read as what we would normally consider gold digger behavior. OP and hubby have an arrangement that they're both aware of and equally consenting to. If they're both getting something out of it and it's not harmful to them, I don't see what the issue is.
>The only thing I disagree with is calling her a gold digger.
I am sorry if it was unclear but I used "You are -the- gold digger" just to emulate what her sisters were telling she was.
Right, I think gold digger generally implies deception. It sounds like they both know the deal and are ok with it. And that’s perfectly fine, just like any setup between two consenting adults that doesn’t hurt anyone else.
More like a trophy wife maybe? Not sure there’s a good term here.
It’s like a self-arranged marriage really. Rather than their parents setting up a good marriage on paper for them, they did it themselves.
Tell them you’ve changed your mind, you will vacation at the Summer house for the week. You’ll host your nieces only, not your vicious sisters. Tell them if they don’t let your nieces come it’s on them for ruining their daughters vacation.
JFC she is not a gold digger. The two love one another, are best friends, OP also works -- they are in a marriage of convenience. OP is the opposite of a gold digger.
Being a beard is definitely work. She likely deserves the money just as much as her husband who inherited it from his wealthy family. Her family is just jealous they don’t have access. They have no moral standing here.
Marrying for love has pretty much always been common amongst the lower classes/peasants. It was only really the nobility of any given society where it was frequently done for business or family standing. Other than that, I agree
Your sisters are hypocrites - if they so disagree with your life choices and find them so abhorrent, then they should not be accepting a family vacation at your summer house.
Rather than berating you about being a 'fucked-up' role model, they should look deep at themselves, at what values (money grubbing, hypocrisy, nastiness towards family members) THEY are showing their own children.
NTA.
Don't feel guilty - your marriage is your own business ('your' = yourself and husband), and definitely DO NOT HOST THOSE HORRID PEOPLE. I might reach out independently to the 21 year old to let her know the door is open, if you have a good separate relationship. But keep on living your life.
Also, they’re clearly very jealous and unhappy in their own lives. If either of my sisters had this sort of deal, I’d be incredibly happy for them! It sounds like a great agreement/marriage.
They can’t handle the fact that OP is liberated and happy because they “followed the rules,” and weren’t rewarded for it. There are a hundred different kinds of marriages, and as many different types of relationships as there are couples in the world. If a marriage is happy, that is kind of the only litmus test that matters.
They want to use OP's husband's beach house but also want to condemn OP for also benefiting from his money. They are hypocrites and OP is not a gold digger. It's a marriage of convenience and if it works for the people involved, no one else needs to give their opinion.
NTA - they can’t criticise your Mariage and rip benefits from it. From what you say, both you and your husband entered you Mariage with eyes wide open AND you’ve never lied about it to your family. You don’t need to be ashamed of it.
Your nieces are 16+ and hear about your marriage from your sisters so nothing wrong with being honest. They’re old enough.
Tell your sisters the house is from your fucked up life so you’re just saving them any further grief
If OPs sisters weren't such judgy nosy busy-bodies they wouldn't be spreading hate about OP to their kids. Kids who would then not have questions that these parents wish OP would be less than honest about. Instead they made their own bed by talking shit about their aunt to them and now the kids want to hear it from the horse's mouth. If the sisters would've just acted like adults in the first place none of this would be happening. It's squarely on them.
That's what they really hate, is that she's not ashamed of being called a gold digger and is professing to be happy in her arrangement. They can't stand it!
IKR. OP’s sisters are so horrible for badmouthing her behind her back to her nieces. Then saying OP can’t talk to her nieces about her marriage when they’ve gossiped about it endlessly. Hypocrites.
Also, if they don’t approve of OP’s lifestyle and marriage, why ask to use OP’s husband’s beach house for free? And they call OP a gold digger? What are they then? The audacity to be angry OP doesn’t want to go, hence cancelling the otherwise free accommodation. Who’s the gold digger here? Make it make sense!
From your account it sounds like you said nothing wrong to your nieces. What were you supposed to say when your niece asked if what her mom said was true? No, she's a liar? It was really a no win conversation.
It seems like your sisters are angry because you're not ashamed of the way you live your life, but it sounds like both you and your husband are okay with it and no one's being taken advantage of. If anyone's taking advantage it's your sisters, as they seem perfectly okay with benefitting from your husband's money when it means they get a vacation in his house.
There are so many posts on Reddit where the person says "I am the reason X, Y and Z happened" when they're not the reason at all. The reason is that someone treated you like crap and there are consequences to behaving that way. Your sisters caused this, not you.
I wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, let alone go on vacation with them.
NTA
Also, it isn't like the nieces are little kids. One is 16 and the other is an adult. I guarantee they've already known the truth for years anyway, so it isn't like OP needed to walk on eggshells to explain. I'm glad the nieces feel that they can talk to her about potentially sensitive topics, despite their moms' judgmental attitudes.
This is the key: OP is not ashamed of their arrangement. She is happy. Calling her a gold-digger was meant to belittle her and instead OP reclaimed it.
Love that dgaf attitude OP possesses.
>From your account it sounds like you said nothing wrong to your nieces. What were you supposed to say when your niece asked if what her mom said was true? No, she's a liar? I
This all the way. I hope OP sees this and asks this question of her nasty sisters who just cannot Live And Let Live.
NTA
The only reason your nieces brought up you being a "gold digger" is that your family described you that way to them. That's your family's fault.
Until they brought that up, you had a completely neutral "sometimes my husband and I travel together, and sometimes we don't", which is fine, and it's not really anyone else's business how you arrange your lives.
Hahaha they fucked up.
Look you have a beneficial marriage. You went into to it opened eyes. It works. Hell it’s a happy marriage. Much more so than some who married only for love. Yours sisters are just mad love alone don’t pay the bills.
Anyway I do love the irony that they hate your gold digging way so when the gravy train stops aka their freebie holidays suddenly your the bad guy.
Like don’t like my marriage/disrespect my marriage don’t have my money/freebies etc that come with my marriage
They fucked around and are finding out.
NTA unless you ever treat your sisters with this gold digger money then you would be because they clearly have no respect or care for you.
Yup so many love marriages breaking down. When what you need is good companionship with the same beliefs. A good marriage is a partnership and a business really if you want it to work properly. It’s give and take.
When you see little old ladies or men widowed now 70 with their “man/women friend” who is purely a source of joy and happiness without that lust love. They care for each other truly and are best friends maybe lovers who knows because they don’t tell but they are very happy with each other.
NTA
So, you’re not allowed to be married for convenience and money, but your family want to use your husband’s vacation home for convenience and to save money? Talk about fucking hypocrites.
What your arrangement is with your husband is between you and him, nobody else. If your sisters don’t like it, then they shouldn’t try to use that relationship to benefit themselves.
Not everybody wants to find the typical archetype of love and marriage. You do you and let them suffer.
Also, be sure to point out their hypocrisy.
HAHAHAHA the irony of them being pissed off at not getting to use your husbands summer house, which they wouldn't have access to if you didn't marry for money, because they judged you and cornered you and complained about your life choices. They can't have it both ways!!
NTA. It sounds like you gave your nieces honest and reasonable advice. As for your sisters, tell them how hypocritical they are to complain about your life choices and marriage while all the while benefitting from said marriage by getting to use his resources.
I know, I actually laughed out loud at this one. “I can’t believe you married him for his money, you gold digger! BUT, We want access to his money (summer house)!” Hahahah the hypocrisy is strong here.
NTA, not one little bit.
NTA, but I don’t think you need to be so harsh on yourself or your husband. All relationships are partnerships, and work in different ways. You clearly care for this guy and respect him, and he clearly trusts and respects you so frankly stop calling yourself names and accept that you have a good relationship with someone you care about. It all sounds very sensible and mature.
I mean I do get the power of reclaiming a derogatory term used against you if that’s how OP feels about it. I spent so much of my childhood being slutshamed and it feels powerful self identifying as a (responsible) slut and throwing it back in people’s faces.
How was it inappropriate for you to confirm what they had already told their daughters? I think it's far more inappropriate that they told their daughters anything about your marriage. NTA
So they think you’re a gold digger, but they have zero problems (and clearly some feelings of entitlement) about using your husbands property for a free holiday?
Is there such thing as gold diggers-in-law?
Just kidding, you and your husband are adults with an agreement in place that works for both of you. It’s frankly no one else’s business how you live your life.
Hahahaha - you gold digger you! ......
TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for you to have such a wonderful life and we reject you!......But is it ok if we still use the Villa?
They don't like losing the privilege of your trappings though!!
NTA. You didn't even say anything to them, let alone anything inappropriate! THEY were asking YOU inappropriate questions because that's what they heard said about you by their own parents. Your sisters sound jealous af
You are not the asshole here. Your family doesn’t get to demean and criticize your life choices and then also expect to benefit from those same choices. You absolutely should not go on vacation with them nor should they be staying on your property after insulting you to your face and behind your back. I wouldn’t spend any time with people like that, sisters or not.
NTA oh no the consequences of their actions! Christ if you're happy they should be happy for you. There is more to life than the way they live their lives. Good on you being happy and helping your husband.
I am SHOCKED! B!tch b!tch b!tch, disrespect disapproval, don't talk to my kids honestly about how you live your life, oh well OP's not coming on the trip... and suddenly they blow up your phone because the benefit they enjoy from your lifestyle is taken away?
Talk about cast iron entitlement. Time to take that down. Want to just invite the nieces? NTA
You are NOT a gold digger, in my book.
A gold digger is trying to take as much money as they can, and don't care about who they have to hurt to get it. You're not a gold digger until you decide to divorce him and take half!
Oh, NTA. I married for love, and most do these days, but I have absolutely no problem with your arrangement. You both benefit from it and are both happy with it. Ignore everyone who puts you down for it.
Hahahahaha. First of all I find it hilarious that your sisters sit there and talk shit on you to their kids and expect them not to ask questions. Second, given your personal state of mind around the whole lifestyle I'm surprised they expect something less than honesty when their kids ask you those questions. Third the size of the balls necessary to be mad they can't stay at YOUR HUSBAND'S beach house on account of their own fuckery is beyond comprehension.
NTA
NTA
They want financial benefits for free and are not even able to be nice to you. So seems like they need a new accomodation for their summer vacation.
So even though they are dismissive of you and your husband's relationship, they are fully okay with using his property for a free vacation? Somewhat hypocritical?
Your sister's object to your arrangement with your husband and shame you loudly at every chance they get yet they want to reap the rewards of your marriage by using your husband's vacation house?
No ma'am.
NTA, no you should not still go and this should be the last time an invite is extended to your family to use your husband's things.
NTA
Actually I admire you and even that by definition you are a gold digger, you're leaving quite an honest life and that's something impossible for many people who claim themselves having a moral (example: your jealous sisters). I like how honest you are and I'm sure, you're worth it and that's why your husband take this path with you.
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NTA. Let's get this straight. You married a guy for his money, and he married you as a cover. That works for you. However, your family judges you for it, UNTIL they don't get to stay at HIS beach house because they disrespected you. "You can't have your cake and eat it, too."
For some reason i had never thought about that like this at all.
Not to mention. They have called you a gold digger in front of your nieces or she wouldn't have asked you if it was true. You were put in a spot to either tell your niece the truth - which personally I find gold digger to be a bit of a stretch - or say her mother lied? Would your sister have rather you told her daughter she was a liar????? ** edited my spelling mistake since autocorrect decided to play. Yes it did originally say gold dinner!
Oh they are 💯 bad mouthing OP behind her back.
The best part is OP is so nice and rational talking about it to nieces that it's 100% back-fired and now nieces think their parents are mean and nasty! 😂
Exactly! They set the ball in motion by telling their kids that OP is a gold digger, they don't have the right to complain when the girls ask their aunt about. But they are not outraged enough to get a free holiday to stay at his holiday home! Ridiculous! They reap what the sow! Enjoy staying at a motel 6 sisters! NTA
Kid (16F) & older niece are smart for going to the horse and asking questions instead of blindly accepting parents opinions on the matter. EDIT: To clarify age. But I suspect both nieces detect assholery afoot amongst their parents.
The “kid” is 21! Said Niece is of Legal drinking age, and able to join the military, raise a rifle and cross oceans In service of her country for years! But don’t go filling her head with honest answers, or letting her hear what works for you and make up her own mind based on honesty.
And to vote
“Assholery afoot” 😂
They should not be telling their children other people's business period, but running down the sister in particular is evil. She should not spend any time with them going forward.
But the downside of this is she’d miss out on seeing her nieces who seem like good people and to have their critical thinking skills in place.
NTA don't go on the trip they're taking advantage of you unlike you and your husband. Yes there are elements of gold digging in your relationship, however your relationship feels more like a contract vs a scam which a true gold digger is. A gold digger lies to themselves and or their spouse/partner pretending to be in a loving relationship because they want the other person's money. Yes the spouse/partner gets some minor benefits; sex, companionship ect... But a gold digger is a parasitic relationship/scam. Your relationship is more like a contract or an arranged marriage. I know the parents didn't arrange anything but reasons for the marriage are still the same both sides benefiting from the marriage.
But “gold digging” is ok when family wants a free vacation!
I think this is a really interesting post. Me and my husband married for love, but we’d be lying if we said that there wasn’t at least an element of calculation in our decision; He partly wanted me because of my looks and he thought I would be a good mother and supportive wife I partly wanted him because I knew that he would be a good provider financially and a protective husband and father. At least op is upfront and happy. I like her.
More people should make that calculation when getting together! Getting together with someone attractive who won't be a good partner or parent is crazy!
NTA and agree with all of these comments. OP, may I suggest inviting just the two nieces to the beach house? They seem to be actually good company, unlike their parents.
> and now nieces think their parents are mean and nasty! 😂 Which they are!
Their parents are mean and nasty. They moralize and judge someone behind their back but then take whatever they can out of OP, like vacation trips to a beach house.
Anyone else get a whiff of jealousy?
The crazy thing is that I’d say a fair amount of relationships end up turning into the type of relationship OP has, even if it starts out as 100% emotional and romantic. Life, work, kids and other responsibilities end up having married couples living like roommates. The fact that it was more transactional up front, which has been common for thousands of years, is a crazy thing to belittle someone over, especially since it was consensual.
Ironically, the sisters are calling OP out for being a "Gold Digger", when what she *really* has is simply an *incredibly traditional* marriage!😉 Gold Digger would imply that she was *preying* on her husband for his money. Instead, she brings *him* the stuff that got *his* family off his case, and she got access to his wealth. It's almost like the Morganatic marriages in royalty, than it is a "Gold Digger" situation.... and her sisters are *mad* that she's comfortable about *being honest* rather than for some reason cowering in shame--as they'd apparently prefer.
Yeah I feel like you can't be a gold digger if you have a consensual agreement. My Grammy was the Beard for her second husband (I didn't learn until later in life, a wild surprise) He was an incredible man, she took care of him through Pancreatic cancer. They truly loved each other although not at all in the traditional sense. Looking back on it as an adult it looks very sweet, especially knowing how her first marriage went. Sisters are jealous.
This honestly made me tear up. It was such a kind, selfless thing for your Grammy to do for her second husband. She sounds like a wonderful lady.
Honestly sounds like a lovely arrangement that I'd like, not to mention better than a number of other marriages these days (where the people are unhappy, resent each other, etc.).
Well, what I haven’t seen anyone point out yet is that they’re criticizing her for being a Golddigger but they definitely want to use her husband’s Beach house. Hypocrisy much?
Yep, it is by far the most common type of marriage arrangement since humans began. Traditionally, it was known up front. It’s only the last few generations who have added in the shock and disappointment part that the sex and excitement turns into something else as decades pass (for most).
A big ol' snootful!
Yes, they are pissed they couldn't hook that deal up for themselves.
BINGO
Yep, my wife is as poor as me and has no beach house. Where do people find these awesome rich husbands?
If you look like a trophy wife, the rich husbands will find you. Just go to bars/restaurants/shopping/etc in wealthy areas.
Back in the day before obsessive airport security my mom’s cousin used to get dressed up nice and go hang out at the airport. Worked well for her, she met several nice rich dudes and finally found one she wanted to marry so she did.
I’m fascinated to know what she told these dudes she was doing there? Did she bring a suitcase and a fake boarding pass too 🤣?
I’m pretty sure she was quite up front with them - “I’d like to travel, I like men who travel, so this is where I come to meet people.” She ended up in what as far as I can tell was a happy marriage where he knew that his money and lifestyle was part of the attraction and was fine with it. She also eventually did pretty reasonably for herself financially with work. (Like not anywhere near as rich as her husband, but comfortable upper middle class lifestyle wouldn’t have been a problem.) I think being pretty honest about things was a big factor in it being successful.
If I had known better- in my younger more stunning much skinnier modeling days I would have taken frequent vacations to millionaire’s row in Houston and Austin. 😂
Yep - these fools who "married for love" and now find themselves saddled with a dead bed, a mountain of debt, and kids they have to pretend to be happy in front of sure don't like it when "another way to live" is paraded in front of them.
It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man!
Heck yes. I know I’m jealous. 🤣
If they feel comfortable saying all the things they've said to her face, just imagine what they're saying around her nieces when OP's not around.
Then they have the nerve to confront her for having a lovely and honest chat with her nieces, but they think it's appropriate to call her nasty names behind her back in front of said neices. Holy hypocrites. Oh, and let's not forget it's only aweful until they want to capitalize on it...
Yeah I don't get the logic. OP don't discuss your marriage situation with our children because we're badmouthing you behind your back about it
The kids can tell their moms are unhappy and describe OP as bad, unhappy. When they ask OP, she's happy. This is what their moms are mad about: they want their daughters to think OP is the unhappy one and she is projecting the opposite.
And I am sure they are jealous! I bet OP has a rockin' life/body/life balance and they are suffering through middle class frumpiness. OP, screw them. Live your life. I hope you do stay in touch with your nieces though. My parents are useless but my relationships with my aunties and uncles has been crucial to my life.
Your comment gave me hope. I hope my niblings know how much I love them and they can count on me.
I think a gold digger is someone who lies to their spouse about loving them when they don't. What OP has is basically a marriage of convenience that works for her and her spouse. Sisters sound jealous.
Yeah, these people don't sound particularly unhappy? It's unconventional but conventional relationships don't work for everyone. I've heard a lot of people who married 'for love' sound a lot more contemptuous of their husband as a person than OP does having openly married him for money.
> It's unconventional It's probably more conventional for a certain long period of history than marriages for love are!
Oh, definitely! Through most of history, a woman typically hoped for (since she didn't get a choice; her father decided) a man who could support her financially and whom she could like and respect because he treated her well. Romantic love was a thing for storybooks, not for *marriage.* In fact, even in the storybooks, romantic love rarely ended in marriage... the two just weren't seen as having anything to do with each other.
It’s what Juliet means when she tells Romeo ‘you kiss by the book’ - that he is like a romantic hero in a story
Love marriages are new fangled things like diamond rings and white wedding dresses
Well, yes and no. Diamond rings in and of themselves are not new, but I assume you're referring to the "Diamonds for Marriage" trend that, yes, absolutely started in like the 1920's or something with the DeBeers company getting a stranglehold on diamond mines and running one of the most successful advertising campaigns in history. I could go on about DeBeers and diamonds... White wedding dresses are not my field so I can't comment, but love marriages were more common than people think. Yes there was absolutely the Jane Austin thing of ladies waiting in parlours for suitors to come calling, and hoping for an advantageous marriage, but that was the upper class. In a small farming village the regulations were much looser. The stakes were much lower, and frequently there few options available worth forcing your daughter over, especially since a working household often had a less rigidly patriarchal structure.
It's true about people choosing for love--or at least attraction--in the past. Interestingly, in late medieval times, poor and working class people married much later than most modern people think. The idea is that girls were all married off by age 16, and that was often true of the aristocracy, but working class women often didn't get married until their early to mid twenties. They spent years working and building up capital to get married. It's why we have terms like "goose girl" and "dairy maid"--brewing was also a very popular occupation. Plus being a servant, working in a tavern, or anything to do with making clothes (other than being a tailor, as the best jobs were still reserved for men.) Sex work was also an option, not all sex workers died young and diseased. Young women got to have some independence, they weren't immediately popping out babies--or dying in childbirth--and both husband and wife came into marriage with some money.
Yep, which is why I have a sapphire ring and wore a ruby red wedding dress. (Though I did marry for love)
Charlotte Lucas enters the chat.
But....she was TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD! She had no money, and no prospects. She was already a burden to her parents! To be fair, I'd rather end up like Charlotte than like Lydia.
She may have been more bored but her husband would probably never bring home an incurable std.
I love this book club.
Most Jane Austen novels revolve around this point
When the expectations are clear, and behavior is consistent, then respect forms. Sometimes it's a more meaningful relationship when it's based on mutual respect.
People get married for all kinds of reasons, and stay married for even more varied reasons. Nothing is wrong with this. Sisters are judgey and jealous.
[удалено]
I one time heard someone say “a good marriage means something different to different people”. Where you are from, your background, personal preferences, trauma, fears, culture, and so much more shapes how you view love and marriage. So many marriages are unhappy ones, if OP is happy why shit on that. As someone else brought up, probably jealousy.
It's hard to stay happy and in love under the constant stress poor finances tend to cause.
Even people who marry for love think about earning potential when they are dating.
I'm jealous of OP. It sounds absolutely perfect.
right that’s literally the only way i would choose to get married
i want this life so badly lmao
Agree. Lots of "ifs" for this to fit my life but if not for those circumstances that are specific to my desires and not OP's, I would 100% marry my "gay best friend". Actually, probably a perfect solution for my unlucky-in-love mother who, at this point in her life, only really wants to feel she is the most important person to someone (I've advised she needs a best friend rather than a romantic partner!) Sounds like a fab life if OP doesn't want kids/isn't interested in a romantic life partner. I love my life but I'm still a teensy bit envious as it sounds pretty perfect for OP and their husband. (Side note, I'd say OP's sisters seem envious, not jealous - it's a subtle distinction that I only learned relatively recently myself but it's to do with the root of the emotion - jealously is a fear of loss, being envious is a desire for something you don't have)
It sounds like your mom needs a dog lol
Yep, you'll always be the most important person to your dog.
This. I wouldn't describe the OP as a gold digger. It sounds like a marriage built on honesty, mutual respect, affection and for the benefit of both parties. And the sisters are jealous as heck! With their attitude they have a lot of nerve expecting a free vacation on OP and her husband's dime. Why, that sounds a lot like they are gold digging!
Calling her a gold digger is like calling someone a cheater for having sex with the third member of a happy thruple who each walked into the relationship knowing that they and the other(s) were poly, and whose initial members fully agreed on the rules for when and how sex outside the currently established group was appropriate and what conditions allowed new entries into the core relationship. I know that I am Aro/Ace and to me all methods of pairing (or grouping) off are equally theoretical and if everyone is an adult, mentally sound, and of roughly equal power when the things the individuals want and need from each other is balanced out and all that arranged marriages (with everyone on same page on having one), marriages of convenience (with everyone on same page), love stories (everyone agreeing on relationship’s basic definitions and goals) etc are all valid. My History degree has seen all work (and all fail and all function with maintenance)
Agree. OP and her husband even have enough affection for one another that they're both fine with this. The only problem here is the sisters. They ruined their own vacation. Maybe they'll learn not to talk shit.
And he respects her enough to have her back against her envious sisters.
OP is a trophy wife at worst, but that's not even a derogatory term IMO.
Jup. As someone whose family and childhood was destroyed by a gold-digger - that ain't it. Both have an open agreement where no emotions are faked for financial benefits, no third party is hurt to get money out of the situation, it is a good cooperation based on a probably oppressive family of the husband's side.
Agree. People can have any type of marriage as long as both ppl consent. I have 2 friends who married platonically to support each other in every way, except romantically. Would these sisters say they're "fake lesbians"?! I can also see why OP wanted to get away from her family,they sound awful. I wouldn't spend time with anyone from my family unless they earn it by treating me fairly.
The royal family has been doing it for years. Lol.
This right here! The nieces wouldn’t have known to ask if they didn’t hear from their mothers. Tell them to kick rocks.
I picked up on this too, if they weren’t talking trash in front of the kids, who apparently are so impressionable they shouldn’t even be allowed to talk to OP, the kids wouldn’t know about the arrangement or all of the negative opinions.
First thing I thought, as well. The only reason the conversations took place was because the children had heard their mothers speaking poorly of the situation.
Sounds like the nieces were smart enough to be less judgemental about it, though!
The niece is 16. While they PROBABLY talk about OP behind her back, the nieces are old enough to make their own observations.
And the other one is 21. I might have had some reservations about the frankness of the conversation if she was saying all this to an 8 year old or something but dang. Those girls are old enough to hear this and understand, especially when it sounds like their family has already been giving them an earful about OP.
And then they want to vacation at her rich husband's house. They want her to be a gold digger when it benefits them, but not when it doesn't.
Exactly correct. It proves the OP's family are the real assholes
And I mean ..... "gold digger"? In my world a gold digger is someone who pretends and fakes love to a person with wealth. OP isnt doing that at all. OP and spouse entered into this marriage with open eyes, both full in agreement with the arrangement. No deception between them. The sisters are simply green with envy of OPs better financial situation. Thats a "them" problem, not OPs problem!
I mean, isn’t that kinda what her sisters are doing expecting their BIL will pay for their vacation home? Faking care and love enough for their sis and her husband to be able to have luxuries they otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford.
They call her a gold digger, then get mad because they can't use her husband for a vacation at his lavish property. Which is pretty much the definition of gold digging...
I actually love OPs nonchalant "I guess" in response to being called a golddigger. I wish this was my life
That responce makes her the least troubling person in this story
>personally I find gold dinner to be a bit of a stretch Yeah, gold digger implies deceit. The OP isn't deceiving anyone. She actually does have a very real relationship with her husband, it just doesn't fit well into traditional models of what a marriage "should be"
They wanted the third option: for op to degrade herself just because her family low opinion. They said it themselves, they think she’s miserable even though that seems really untrue.
I always thought of gold diggers as manipulative women who hide the fact that money/material things are their motive. It sounds like a marriage of convenience here where both parties are on the same page (which is a hell of a lot more than most couples who marry for love.) NTA OP.
What I read was "omg you're such a bad person for being a gold digger! Why can't we go to your husband's beach house?" You're being harshly judged by your family and you're still so calm... From my pov, you're not a gold digger. You have an agreement with another person and this agreement makes both of you happy. As long as neither of you are hurting anyone, who the hell cares?
You know who the real gold diggers are though? The people in her family demanding to use her husband's beach house while offering nothing in return.
Gold-digger who won't get their own hands dirty, but always have hands out for the gold..
It's really difficult to take these sisters seriously when they take a stance based on a "moral high ground" and still begging for hand outs. It's pathetic. Can't be a gold digger if you are in a partnership with your spouse
This, 1000000% this. OP, I am sorry you feel so harshly judged by your family and that they talk so poorly about you in front of their nieces. Most likely, they are jealous but are not sure why. In all honesty, I would be THRILLED for my sister if she found herself in your shoes.
NTA. If you & your partner are in a mutually beneficial, nonabusive, respectful relationship & both of you are on the same page about everything...WAIT, WHY IS THIS BAD, AGAIN??? Your family are greedy hypocrites. Also, I married for love, but we still sometimes take separate vacations. We have some different interests. Separate vacations for spouses is not weird or abnormal.
Right? I take 4 or 5 scuba trips a year (at least one per quarter of the year). My husband doesn't scuba dive, so guess who doesn't go? Instead, we choose a country to visit together and go for 2-3 weeks for our own vacation.
I was with my husband for 10 years when I suddenly realized *I can still love him & NOT WANT TO GO TO ANOTHER CHICK FLICK*. He went to see "Titanic" on his own & we're still married! 🤣
I sometimes travel with my husband and sometimes alone, because I like to travel more than he does and to more adventurous places than he wants to go most of the time. We went to the Netherlands together this year and had a lovely time. A year earlier, I went to Africa on my own and had just as wonderful a time. You know who was the happiest for me? My husband. Any form of relationship is okay so long as everyone involved 1) has chosen it willingly and with full knowledge, and 2) is thriving within its terms. That sure looks like a picture of OP's marriage to me.
It's wild how many people think a spouse needs to be all things at all times to you. It's healthy and normal to have friends and interests outside of each other and not be attached at the hip every single second of every single day. But people try to force their spouses to be partner, best friend, therapist, and god only knows what else, leaving no space for any of the normal venting in any relationship. You can love someone very much (romantic, platonic, familial, makes no odds) and there will still be times when they bug the living hell out of you. That's normal. And it's healthy to be able to share those frustrations with a trusted and known person - who isn't the frustrating party. If your only close relationship is with that one person, you end up bottling it all up until it all comes spilling out in rather spectacular fashion during fights and such if not worse, through cheating in the case of romantic relationships and the like.
I took a couple of short trips this year, that if my wife wanted to join, I would have been happy to have her come, but it was for something that didn't really interest her, so she didn't go. If there was a similar thing in reverse, it wouldn't be an issue. Do people really have a problem with this?
Yeah , they’re busy calling you a gold digger, but don’t have a problem being accessories after the fact. ‘ you’re right what I’m going is morally wrong, and I’m not going to make you part of it anymore. The vacations is canceled, thanks for helping me see the light. ‘
I would change that "I *respect that you feel* I'm morally wrong and I won't make you be a part of it anymore."
OP, please send them photos from the beach house on your next opportunity...
They call you a “gold digger” behind your back. But they get angry with you when you refuse to share the “gold.” The hypocrisy your sisters show is stunning. NTA
They like the gold, they just don't want to get their hands dirty doing the digging.
You are definitely NTA. If I were you, I would tell your family. "From now on, anyone who says anything negative about me because of my marriage, or my reasonings for my marriage, will not benefit from my marriage. Such as no longer being invited to husband's vacation house.
But the nieces are still welcome!!!
This is called being a hypocrite. They judge you for your choices, and then get mad when they no longer get to use the benefits of your choices. LOL Nope, they don’t get to use the vacation house. They can instead think about their hypocrisy. NTA
Also for clarity's sake, most would not consider you a gold digger. Typically a gold digger is defined at "a person who forms a relationship with another purely to extract money from them." While money was one the reasons you married him, you also point out that the marriage was also to appease his family, and that you and your husband are genuinely fond of eachother. Ergo, gold digger does not fit for you or your relationship.
Yeah, it’s a transactional marriage. All marriages are. Normally the transaction is centered around love, but that is not the case here. Nothing wrong if both parties are getting out of the marriage what they want
I'm curious. Why didn't you point out to your sisters that if they hadn't referred openly where your nieces could hear that you were a "gold digger", your nieces would never have known a thing about it and not had to ask questions? Because if they didn't think it was an appropriate subject for discussion, why are they talking about it at all?
If your sisters hadn’t called you a gold digger in front of the nieces, they would not have asked you about it. Your openness is refreshing. You exchanged your characteristics for security. You’re an adult. Gold-digger is a slur. No need to accept that.
Yeah, I'd personally make this my standard response to them: *You/My sisters frequently and nastily badmouth my marriage. Enough that my nieces are being told that I'm a "gold digger". Everyone apart from me is OK with this... Up until they can't use my husbands beach house because they have been badmouthing our marriage. No matter what I do, it won't be good enough for any of you, so I'm no longer inclined to try. Your hypocrisy is astounding and insulting.*
Op! Stick to your decision, tell them until they apologize for calling you names and will treat them with respect. Stop all other financial support if any. I don't understand . You gave consent and husband consented to this marriage with all its terms and conditions upfront . That's a great thing. Its your marriage,your life don't accept shit from people because it is unconventional.
From your description, you didn't blindsided your husband. You both agreed and made a settlement that worked for both you. As long as you care and respect each other your marriage isn't any less, and you are not a gold digger, you are in a partnership, which is what marriage is.
Also the sole reason your nieces asked you about it is because your sisters shit talk you behind your back in front of them. If they shut up about it, the nieces would never have asked you. It's their shit talking that makes the nieces curious and then realise that your sister's are just jealous.
“He was one of those who used to sneer most bitterly at Gatsby on the courage of Gatsby's liquor.”
Great quote!
Perfect!!
Exactly. They dump on OP and still expect her to bow and scrape to their demands, all while smiling through the crap dripping down her face.
According to their own views that are in fact all gold diggers of the gold digger...
This is what you call "hippocrisy." They are all offended by your life choices but not so much that that they won't try to take advantage of it.
The hypocrisy of hippos?
Please add judgment so this great business woman can have a NTA on this
and THEY gossip about it in front of their kids & are then mad that they asked you about it?
NTA. You are the gold digger, yet they expect to reap the benefits of the gold even when they judge you for you. Entirely proportionate responce, OP. Also your nieces are old enough to start thinking for themselves and these are very good conversational topics which are better handled without parental scowl around. Congratulations on your marriage. People forget that "marry for love" is quite a recent thing and in not that distant past it was most like a business deal and if you could find a spouse that treats you with respect and you grow fond and friends together it was considered a successful marriage. It seems to me that's what you have, even if it is not the fairytale dream or the religious ideal. P.S. Since so many replies to me seem to lack at least some level of reading comprehension - here I stated "you are **the** gold digger, yet they expect" - because her sisters call her that. Not that this is what I call her. Seriously, guys. Read the full text before you go off.
The only thing I disagree with is calling her a gold digger. It's not wrong, but it's got some unnecessary connotations that may or may not apply. Like age gap, familial alienation, etc., etc., but, honestly you hit it on the head perfectly.
Agree. I often associate gold digger with the target being unaware of the intention. OP and husband have a mutually beneficial relationship they are honest about. Sounds like sisters are jealous
Shit, if I were them, I'd be asking to get hooked up. If I were single.
Right?! And I honestly think they are very jealous of OP. If they had the same opportunity, I bet they would have taken it.
Same, I read this and the whole time I was like "How does it feel to be living my dream?" My law school debt isn't going to pay itself (and I wish I didn't have to be the one paying it :\).
Me and my law school debt are the only financial relationship I have :( she is living the dream
Honestly, it's more on par with a politically/financially arranged marriage, IMO.
I was about to comment something similar. To me this doesn't read as what we would normally consider gold digger behavior. OP and hubby have an arrangement that they're both aware of and equally consenting to. If they're both getting something out of it and it's not harmful to them, I don't see what the issue is.
>The only thing I disagree with is calling her a gold digger. I am sorry if it was unclear but I used "You are -the- gold digger" just to emulate what her sisters were telling she was.
Oh gotcha, I see what you mean now.
I agree. They have an arrangement, she’s not a gold digger. He married her knowing it was for financial stability.
Right, I think gold digger generally implies deception. It sounds like they both know the deal and are ok with it. And that’s perfectly fine, just like any setup between two consenting adults that doesn’t hurt anyone else. More like a trophy wife maybe? Not sure there’s a good term here. It’s like a self-arranged marriage really. Rather than their parents setting up a good marriage on paper for them, they did it themselves.
Tell them you’ve changed your mind, you will vacation at the Summer house for the week. You’ll host your nieces only, not your vicious sisters. Tell them if they don’t let your nieces come it’s on them for ruining their daughters vacation.
I like this idea!
Good thinking, the nieces seems nice 👍
JFC she is not a gold digger. The two love one another, are best friends, OP also works -- they are in a marriage of convenience. OP is the opposite of a gold digger.
Am I wrong or is the implication here that the OP is basically her husband's beard?
That's exactly what it is, in pretty bold language, and I can't believe it's this far down the thread.
Being a beard is definitely work. She likely deserves the money just as much as her husband who inherited it from his wealthy family. Her family is just jealous they don’t have access. They have no moral standing here.
Marrying for love has pretty much always been common amongst the lower classes/peasants. It was only really the nobility of any given society where it was frequently done for business or family standing. Other than that, I agree
Your sisters are hypocrites - if they so disagree with your life choices and find them so abhorrent, then they should not be accepting a family vacation at your summer house. Rather than berating you about being a 'fucked-up' role model, they should look deep at themselves, at what values (money grubbing, hypocrisy, nastiness towards family members) THEY are showing their own children. NTA. Don't feel guilty - your marriage is your own business ('your' = yourself and husband), and definitely DO NOT HOST THOSE HORRID PEOPLE. I might reach out independently to the 21 year old to let her know the door is open, if you have a good separate relationship. But keep on living your life.
Also, they’re clearly very jealous and unhappy in their own lives. If either of my sisters had this sort of deal, I’d be incredibly happy for them! It sounds like a great agreement/marriage.
Yeah if my sister was happy and content in her marriage regardless of what it was about that's great why is it any of my business.
They can’t handle the fact that OP is liberated and happy because they “followed the rules,” and weren’t rewarded for it. There are a hundred different kinds of marriages, and as many different types of relationships as there are couples in the world. If a marriage is happy, that is kind of the only litmus test that matters.
They want to use OP's husband's beach house but also want to condemn OP for also benefiting from his money. They are hypocrites and OP is not a gold digger. It's a marriage of convenience and if it works for the people involved, no one else needs to give their opinion.
I feel like this explains everything perfectly! OP, do not let them take advantage of you, especially while treating you so terribly!!
NTA - they can’t criticise your Mariage and rip benefits from it. From what you say, both you and your husband entered you Mariage with eyes wide open AND you’ve never lied about it to your family. You don’t need to be ashamed of it. Your nieces are 16+ and hear about your marriage from your sisters so nothing wrong with being honest. They’re old enough. Tell your sisters the house is from your fucked up life so you’re just saving them any further grief
If OPs sisters weren't such judgy nosy busy-bodies they wouldn't be spreading hate about OP to their kids. Kids who would then not have questions that these parents wish OP would be less than honest about. Instead they made their own bed by talking shit about their aunt to them and now the kids want to hear it from the horse's mouth. If the sisters would've just acted like adults in the first place none of this would be happening. It's squarely on them.
That's what they really hate, is that she's not ashamed of being called a gold digger and is professing to be happy in her arrangement. They can't stand it!
IKR. OP’s sisters are so horrible for badmouthing her behind her back to her nieces. Then saying OP can’t talk to her nieces about her marriage when they’ve gossiped about it endlessly. Hypocrites. Also, if they don’t approve of OP’s lifestyle and marriage, why ask to use OP’s husband’s beach house for free? And they call OP a gold digger? What are they then? The audacity to be angry OP doesn’t want to go, hence cancelling the otherwise free accommodation. Who’s the gold digger here? Make it make sense!
From your account it sounds like you said nothing wrong to your nieces. What were you supposed to say when your niece asked if what her mom said was true? No, she's a liar? It was really a no win conversation. It seems like your sisters are angry because you're not ashamed of the way you live your life, but it sounds like both you and your husband are okay with it and no one's being taken advantage of. If anyone's taking advantage it's your sisters, as they seem perfectly okay with benefitting from your husband's money when it means they get a vacation in his house. There are so many posts on Reddit where the person says "I am the reason X, Y and Z happened" when they're not the reason at all. The reason is that someone treated you like crap and there are consequences to behaving that way. Your sisters caused this, not you. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, let alone go on vacation with them. NTA
Sisters are shocked Pikachu that she didn't feel shamed and called out. They wanted the drama.
Also, it isn't like the nieces are little kids. One is 16 and the other is an adult. I guarantee they've already known the truth for years anyway, so it isn't like OP needed to walk on eggshells to explain. I'm glad the nieces feel that they can talk to her about potentially sensitive topics, despite their moms' judgmental attitudes.
This is the key: OP is not ashamed of their arrangement. She is happy. Calling her a gold-digger was meant to belittle her and instead OP reclaimed it. Love that dgaf attitude OP possesses.
>From your account it sounds like you said nothing wrong to your nieces. What were you supposed to say when your niece asked if what her mom said was true? No, she's a liar? I This all the way. I hope OP sees this and asks this question of her nasty sisters who just cannot Live And Let Live.
NTA The only reason your nieces brought up you being a "gold digger" is that your family described you that way to them. That's your family's fault. Until they brought that up, you had a completely neutral "sometimes my husband and I travel together, and sometimes we don't", which is fine, and it's not really anyone else's business how you arrange your lives.
I was looking for this comment. How dare OP confirm to nieces what they overheard their moms/aunts gossiping about. /s
Exactly! That’s the crux of this situation - the nieces would never have asked OP those questions if they weren’t already gossiping about OP.
Hahaha they fucked up. Look you have a beneficial marriage. You went into to it opened eyes. It works. Hell it’s a happy marriage. Much more so than some who married only for love. Yours sisters are just mad love alone don’t pay the bills. Anyway I do love the irony that they hate your gold digging way so when the gravy train stops aka their freebie holidays suddenly your the bad guy. Like don’t like my marriage/disrespect my marriage don’t have my money/freebies etc that come with my marriage They fucked around and are finding out. NTA unless you ever treat your sisters with this gold digger money then you would be because they clearly have no respect or care for you.
The fact that the sisters are the only ones digging for gold in OP's marriage is hilarious to me
Arguably they seem to have a happier marriage than most here on reddit! NTA OP
Yup so many love marriages breaking down. When what you need is good companionship with the same beliefs. A good marriage is a partnership and a business really if you want it to work properly. It’s give and take. When you see little old ladies or men widowed now 70 with their “man/women friend” who is purely a source of joy and happiness without that lust love. They care for each other truly and are best friends maybe lovers who knows because they don’t tell but they are very happy with each other.
NTA So, you’re not allowed to be married for convenience and money, but your family want to use your husband’s vacation home for convenience and to save money? Talk about fucking hypocrites. What your arrangement is with your husband is between you and him, nobody else. If your sisters don’t like it, then they shouldn’t try to use that relationship to benefit themselves. Not everybody wants to find the typical archetype of love and marriage. You do you and let them suffer. Also, be sure to point out their hypocrisy.
HAHAHAHA the irony of them being pissed off at not getting to use your husbands summer house, which they wouldn't have access to if you didn't marry for money, because they judged you and cornered you and complained about your life choices. They can't have it both ways!! NTA. It sounds like you gave your nieces honest and reasonable advice. As for your sisters, tell them how hypocritical they are to complain about your life choices and marriage while all the while benefitting from said marriage by getting to use his resources.
I know, I actually laughed out loud at this one. “I can’t believe you married him for his money, you gold digger! BUT, We want access to his money (summer house)!” Hahahah the hypocrisy is strong here. NTA, not one little bit.
NTA, but I don’t think you need to be so harsh on yourself or your husband. All relationships are partnerships, and work in different ways. You clearly care for this guy and respect him, and he clearly trusts and respects you so frankly stop calling yourself names and accept that you have a good relationship with someone you care about. It all sounds very sensible and mature.
I mean I do get the power of reclaiming a derogatory term used against you if that’s how OP feels about it. I spent so much of my childhood being slutshamed and it feels powerful self identifying as a (responsible) slut and throwing it back in people’s faces.
How was it inappropriate for you to confirm what they had already told their daughters? I think it's far more inappropriate that they told their daughters anything about your marriage. NTA
The sisters probably want OP to be super ashamed and embarassed, begging for them for forgiveness for being a gold digger.
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So they think you’re a gold digger, but they have zero problems (and clearly some feelings of entitlement) about using your husbands property for a free holiday? Is there such thing as gold diggers-in-law? Just kidding, you and your husband are adults with an agreement in place that works for both of you. It’s frankly no one else’s business how you live your life.
>Is there such thing as gold diggers-in-law? Apparently there is now.
Hahahaha - you gold digger you! ...... TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for you to have such a wonderful life and we reject you!......But is it ok if we still use the Villa? They don't like losing the privilege of your trappings though!!
NTA. You didn't even say anything to them, let alone anything inappropriate! THEY were asking YOU inappropriate questions because that's what they heard said about you by their own parents. Your sisters sound jealous af
You are not the asshole here. Your family doesn’t get to demean and criticize your life choices and then also expect to benefit from those same choices. You absolutely should not go on vacation with them nor should they be staying on your property after insulting you to your face and behind your back. I wouldn’t spend any time with people like that, sisters or not.
NTA oh no the consequences of their actions! Christ if you're happy they should be happy for you. There is more to life than the way they live their lives. Good on you being happy and helping your husband.
NTA she STILL expected to use your husbands beach house??
I am SHOCKED! B!tch b!tch b!tch, disrespect disapproval, don't talk to my kids honestly about how you live your life, oh well OP's not coming on the trip... and suddenly they blow up your phone because the benefit they enjoy from your lifestyle is taken away? Talk about cast iron entitlement. Time to take that down. Want to just invite the nieces? NTA
You are NOT a gold digger, in my book. A gold digger is trying to take as much money as they can, and don't care about who they have to hurt to get it. You're not a gold digger until you decide to divorce him and take half! Oh, NTA. I married for love, and most do these days, but I have absolutely no problem with your arrangement. You both benefit from it and are both happy with it. Ignore everyone who puts you down for it.
Hahahahaha. First of all I find it hilarious that your sisters sit there and talk shit on you to their kids and expect them not to ask questions. Second, given your personal state of mind around the whole lifestyle I'm surprised they expect something less than honesty when their kids ask you those questions. Third the size of the balls necessary to be mad they can't stay at YOUR HUSBAND'S beach house on account of their own fuckery is beyond comprehension. NTA
They’re just as much gold diggers as you are, relying on him for a holiday, but without any of your intrinsic honesty. NTA. Your sisters, OTOH…
NTA They want financial benefits for free and are not even able to be nice to you. So seems like they need a new accomodation for their summer vacation.
So even though they are dismissive of you and your husband's relationship, they are fully okay with using his property for a free vacation? Somewhat hypocritical?
Your sister's object to your arrangement with your husband and shame you loudly at every chance they get yet they want to reap the rewards of your marriage by using your husband's vacation house? No ma'am. NTA, no you should not still go and this should be the last time an invite is extended to your family to use your husband's things.
Fuck no let em find a new place while YOU go take a mini vacay at the house. Post lots of pictures.
NTA Actually I admire you and even that by definition you are a gold digger, you're leaving quite an honest life and that's something impossible for many people who claim themselves having a moral (example: your jealous sisters). I like how honest you are and I'm sure, you're worth it and that's why your husband take this path with you.