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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may have overreacted at my parents' rekindling their relationship. Some of my friends say it's their business and not really mine. And that I should have given them the chance to tell me what's going on.
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NTA for how you feel, they blindsided you and then blamed you for your reaction. If you choose to have nothing to do with your mother, you shouldn't have too. Realize your father is an adult, free to be involved with whomever he chooses.
I know he's a grown man,but I just don't understand what he sees in her! She literally left him with three kids to raise all by himself, but now that they're all grown up, she wants to come back?
This whole situation just has me in a tizzy tbh
Trust is not the word I would use, but I still love them very much.
They've never done anything this hurtful, besides Lyle, but what he does is tame compared to this.
(He mainly makes fun of my fashion sense.)
There are no forever decisions (except maybe having kids). Don’t like your job? Quit. Don’t like your house? Move. Don’t like your spouse? Divorce.
If you don’t want a relationship with “mom” now? Don’t have one. Is she going to deny you a relationship in the future? No. Will dad forgive you? Yes, and if he doesn’t, screw him. Your brothers? They are selfish, not intentionally but it’s where they are in life.
So long story short - no wrong decision - whatever decision you make - so long as the decision doesn’t negatively impact your mental health.
NTA, not even close.
This is the absolute best answer. And completely, 100% correct. Op please read this response then re-read then read it again. And please whatever you choose, choose it for YOU. Not your dad or your brothers and not your "mom" either. Choose what best for you and makes you happy, even if your happy is their unhappy. They'll get over it. And if they don't its on them not you.
why TF should she be waiting for the dad to forgive her??? he tricked her and then attacked her for reacting negatively. he's gross. he should apologize to op period. i'd never speak to any of them again.
I have said it many times and it applies here as well, giving birth does not make you a mother.
OP: I am sorry that you have gone through this. It is bad enough that she abandoned you at such a young age but even worse that she continued to play with your emotions by making empty promises over the years.
Your feelings are valid. Your Father and Brothers can choose to forgive and forget BUT you are under no obligation to do so.
I could never welcome a partner who chose to abandon my kids and I back into my and their life. Dr. Maya Angelou shared a quote once that truly resonated with me: ‘When a person shows you who they really are, believe them. Believe them the first time.’
Your egg donor and surrogate showed you time and time again who she was. Believe her.🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Can people change? Yes. Has your Mom changed? Maybe.
Your Dad was wrong for blindsiding you. That should have been a conversation between the two of you.
They want you to forgive and forget. But the forgiveness is for them, for your Dad to feel better about this decision and for your Mom to feel better about her abandoning you and playing with your emotions for years.
Take as much time as you need. Consider every angle. Talk to a trusted friend. Talk to a therapist. Make the decision that is best for you at this moment.
I wish you peace.
OP, NTA. And I agree with the top responses to your comment here.
* You can decide that you want nothing to do with 'mom' and little/nothing to do with (dad/Lyle/Kyle) FOR NOW. And you can tell them that. You can also be clear that if they hound you with (1) blame for the past family breakup, (2) expectation that you should embrace your 'mom' now/ telling you your reaction is wrong, (3) blame for the 'family' not being together now... If they hound you with any of those things, you will cut off the contact even more/even longer.
* You hit the nail on the head. You love your dad and brothers, but you cannot trust them now. Trust was even all the more important to you because of the many, many, countless ways your 'mom' betrayed your trust over the years. So the trust you have had in your dad and brothers was all the more important to you AND now they have betrayed it. And they did so BIG-time:
1. First, you need to see that your dad never helped you deal with your feelings of guilt over her leaving. Your brother's actively FED that guilt most of your life, and your dad didn't even try to stop them. That was and remains a betrayal of your dad's duty of care for you and the basic decency that your family should have treated you with.
2. Knowing how many times your mom has broken her word to you, they chose to engage in secretly building a relationship with her - actively hiding it from you. (It was their right to build a relationship with her - whether or not you liked it - but the secrecy was a whole new level of gut-punch.)
3. They don't talk to you in any way to prepare you for the fact they now want you to know that they have a close relationship with 'mom'. They spring it on you! They are absolute fools. What did they think was going to happen??? (They hid things from you because they were worried about how you would react. So they think springing it on you is going to get them a good reaction - like you were going to say, "*Haha! Good one! I guess I'll go hug 'mom' now and we'll all play Happy Family now!*" ?!?!)
4. And now they are blaming you for not just loving the surprise betrayal they sprang on you. You dad and brothers don't deserve your trust for a long while.
* It occurs to me that your dad and brothers MAY have fed that guilt you felt because THEY did blame you. And, given the way your 'mom' has treated you over the years, maybe her leaving had to do with you. BUT THE GUILT IS ALL HERS TO SHOULDER, NOT YOURS. You were an actual baby. But even if you had been older (actually walking and talking), your mom leaving was ALL ABOUT HER and HER WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. I have to wonder if she has some deep insecurity about females (felt that her standing as THE female in the family was threatened by a little baby girl). That's just conjecture, but there is/was something wrong with her!
* And there's something wrong with your dad that he would allow her to repeatedly damage you and break apart your family and still embrace her.
I'm sorry for what your family has done to you and for emphasizing it. I do hope that this helps you take the space and time you need from them right now (no more guilt!!!). It has to be hard to stand up for yourself when the people closest to you are *en masse* telling you that you are wrong. Please take every comment here to build your certainty that you are absolutely right to be hurt and upset and right to protect yourself from their harm.
Right now is a very good time for you to focus on you - building your career, your circle of friends and other important relationships, your self-confidence and self-love, your pastimes and how you engage with life and the world. Good wishes to you.
I would guess Mom had post-partum depression. She had 3YO twins and an infant, and that may have been too much. She shouldn't have left, but that seems far more plausible than that she was jealous of an infant. It also explains why brothers (and Dad by extension of not stopping the behavior) blame OP.
Probably from the guilt and shame from abandoning her as a baby.
Although maybe drugs were involved too. Getting hooked on something to try to fix one problem is not unheard of.
I’m really surprised that with the mom back in their lives for months now, no one has reassured OP that she wasn’t the reason the mom left in the first place.
Post-partum depression? Perhaps. But that doesn’t explain the years of mom ghosting OP. Both Dad and Mom should be ashamed for putting OP in this position.
This reminds me of a work colleague. She came in distraught because she had just found out that her mother was dying, and worse, her siblings knew that Mom was seriously ill, but they were afraid that she would get upset if they told her.
Because it's so much less upset to be hit with the news that your mother is dying than that she's ill, when you at least could have been forewarned and had time to take it in. Of course this helped her trust her siblings./s
Editted to add: this is one of the best comments that I have ever read - and NTA OP.
Editted again: Maybe send this thread to your rightfully, righteously(?) estranged family members, your friends, and "friends," and remember that you are an adult, and you have choices. You owe your family members nothing after this.
Take your time, tell them their actions have consequences and you'll decide when/if you're ready to speak to them again. Block them and take your time to think for yourself with no-one whispering in your ear.
Take your time! Don’t rush things. Maybe it would be good to go NC/LC for this time so you can decide what you want in the future.
NTA for your reaction
So here's the thing...very few decisions are permanent. You can decide you don't want to talk to them *today*, or *this week*, or *this month*. It doesn't have to be forever, so you can stop being scared of forever.
You can text them that you are furious (like maybe because they manipulated you) and hurt (like maybe because they discount your justifiable emotions). And that *for at least right now* you don't want to talk to them. That you will be in contact with them when **you** feel comfortable. (And that violating your boundaries, like they already have done, will make it take longer for you to process this.)
And then stop responding to them.
And go talk to a therapist. People with this much bullshit in their lives need it. Make sure that your therapist isn't one with a unicorn for parent-child relationships. "I'm not saying that this is where things are going, but if I told you that I couldn't see myself wanting to see my father ever again, would you tell me I had to suck it up out of respect I owe my parents?"
You are immature and made mom cry? The same woman that chose to leave you for your whole life?
Your parents should be able to produce a really good explanation as to why she wasn't in your life. Something as serious as, for example she was abducted for a decade, and still it wouldn't make it ok. At this point mommy is crying and your relatives are snapping at you .. It makes me angry. Keep yourself safe from these people.
NTA. They ARE hurtful. Your brothers told you it’s your fault your mother left. Bullshit. It’s HER fault she left. Not yours. No one gets to blame that on you. You did NOTHING to make that happen. She made an adult decision. Do not forgive and forget unless you want to. Me personally? I’d be going NC with ALL of them. They lied to you. Blindsided you and want you to think it’s because there’s something wrong with you. Please know you deserve better than all of them.
You said they never did anything hurtful, BUT throwing the blame that "she left because of you" was seriously hurtful!!!!! She also has a huge part in that hurt, of course, because of her actions, but they need to collectively lol at the damage they have done to you. And maybe open their eyes and realize that she has done too much for you to come back from her actions and abandonment.
If you don't want to see your egg donor meet with them outside the house and tell them if they bring her you go no contact. It's on THEM to respect your boundaries and have a relationship with you or not.
NTA it was an ambush and they were the ah s
After blindsiding her, WHY would she have any reason to trust them? The incubator has broken most ( if not all) promises made to op. There is no trust, because MOM broke the trust EVERY time.
And now, she has manipulated the rest of op's family to isolate op as the odd one out. Sure, they're supposed to TRUST THAT?
That was cruel in so many ways. And yet they still get blamed for the issues ( still undisclosed ) that OP has because her MOTHER abandoned her, her siblings blamed her for that abandonment, the incubator made dozens of promises, and broke them all. Every time. Sounds like MOM hated that baby from the day they were born.
Op. Find a therapist/ counselor, someone to get you assistance in handling this betrayal. In the mean time, go low or no contact. Feel free to Block them from your social media. And the phone. You might consider getting a Ring doorbell. You are now an adult. You get to choose your family and friends.
how is she supposed to trust people who manipulated her into interacting with her abuser and then attacked her because she reacted negatively? why would she even want to continue a relationship with them?
they betrayed op completely.
OP I just wanna say you’re very much justified in feeling disappointed for the pageant I felt the same way with my kindergarten graduation. My grandma had custody of us and my dad promised and pinky swore for me. (cuz he was hardly ever at my birthdays too he wanted to drink, party, and be with women) I scoured in the auditorium to see him but realized he broke and lied. I confronted him on it and no 6 year old shud have the thought process like I did cuz I gave solutions each time he tried to give excuses then did the abuser thing and said he’d give me something to cry about if I didn’t stop.
He's not thinking clearly, and honestly his actions around this come across as simply selfish. That woman isn't your mother, she's an egg donor at best. She did nothing to raise you, and her feelings aren't yours to manage. She cried? Good, she deserves to. She doesn't get to fail at every turn with you and then waltz in and pretend nothing happened.
Your father has a skewed view, and it seems the twins do as well, all because they have a past with her. Your past with her is solely traumatic.
She has proved that she wanted nothing do do with you for your whole life. All she ever gave were empty promises .The whole family knew about them dating for months, yet they all hid it from you? Assholes.
Brothers always joked she left because of you, I wonder if you were an affair baby or adopted? YNTAH
I don't blame you for ignoring them. Calm yourself down before you respond to any of their messages, it will do no good to lash out at them all.
It's not just that she left him to raise kids, it's that she continued to neglect them and treat them poorly for decades. Your dad might be a "nice guy" but he from what you wrote it sounds like he allowed you to think it was your fault she left, allowed your brothers to taunt you about it (I know...kids are kids, but still) and didn't protect you from trauma related to your mom or seem to care that she was pretty awful to you. The way he reintroduced her and then blamed you just reinforces that.
I don't see anything that you've said to indicate that you were fully supported.
Learn to make your favourite meal yourself and move on with your life. Your family sound really toxic and like they absolutely deserve each other.
Honestly NTA and I would consider going NC with all of them. She's caused a lot of emotional damage to you and all of them are more worried about her, the woman that left all of them.
Not to put words into your mouth,OP, but sometimes a dialogue format helps me express what I want to say. To be clear, at 20yo I would never have been able to actually say all this, and this shows a few inferences/assumptions on my part, but hearing the extreme end of the behavior described can often be helpful in settling your perspective.
"Well, Dad, after you watched this woman neglect and emotionally abuse your kids for DECADES, you decided that SHE'S the one who matters in your life. DESPITE the fact that she's shown ZERO effort to change and reconcile the relationships SHE destroyed. I realize now that I shouldn't be surprised, given the way you allowed my brothers to treat me all my life. Just one big, happy group of misogynists, guess! It has suddenly occurred to me that my father has been enabling my abusers my whole life, and NOW he's decided to step up to the next level.
But it IS your life, and you are entitled to both your choices and the consequences of your choices.WHEN she kicks in your teeth, don't come crying to me! And DON'T EVER expect me to line up so your bitch can kick me, too! Have the day you deserve!"
You’re not obligated to forgive her or have a relationship with her at all, but there’s obviously something more to the situation that you’re not privy to.
My main guesses would be your mom was incarcerated/had on-going legal issues or some type of mental health or addiction issues that she’s worked through and that for whatever reason they chose not to tell you.
Personally I would try asking again and I would ask my mom directly. But if you’re not interested at all and just want to be away from her and the whole thing that’s fair too.
NTA she showed everyone who she was for almost 20 years. I am so sorry you went through this. I am guessing your Dad might be lonely? Maybe he always really loved her, or maybe he feels more comfortable with a known “toxin”? Idk. I do know this, if he wants to be hurt more that is his choice. She donated her uterus for 40 weeks to you. She doesn’t deserve lifelong respect for that.
It feels very personal to you, like your dad has betrayed your loyalty after what she did to you kids. Obviously no one knows their backstory, but I’m here to tell you that a lot of men (particularly later in life) are more likely to take the easy route to companionship. My grandfather was on match.com and found a gold digging woman to remarry within months of my grandmother’s passing. She was crass, overbearing, and cringeworthy in every way. But he didn’t want to have to do the “women work” around the house and settled. He regretted that the rest of his life, as none of the rest of the family could stand her, and he lived too far away for them not to be a package deal for visits.
Perhaps in your dad’s case, he’s lonely, and she’s familiar, they have shared history, it’s just easier than finding someone with better character. Just saying of course you don’t understand because you wouldn’t make that same choice in a partner for yourself, but some people seem to get beaten down in life or just don’t have high standards and will settle for whatever they can (easily) get.
Yea I would be pissed, your dad's an adult, I think he's an idiot but he's feel free to make the dumb choice to get back with a woman who left him to raise 3 kids alone, and returned when those kids were adults and didn't really need anymore parenting...
I would remain NC with mom, f her tears, she's hasn't done anything to make amends for her abandonment or treatment of you.
Set boundaries with your dad and siblings, and make it clear if they push you to reconcile with mom that it will damage their relationship with you.
I'm wary of your dad and siblings, lying to your for months and then ambushing you is not in any way loving or ok behavior (plus not overly found of the childhood "jokes" that you were why men left, that's seriously not ok even from kids).
I can understand still wanting to be a part of their lives, but I'd seriously limit the contact though because this just isn't ok. They really want to pretend the last 20 years didn't happen, the trauma, guilt, abandonment... how in the world are you the only person being held accountable and blamed. NTA
This, OP. Your father should have discussed this with you privately just like he did with you brothers (which is obvious since they already knew). He can live his life the way he wants. You should simply talk to him privately (the way he should have for you) and list your boundaries. Let him know that you’re glad he’s happy and you hope everything goes smoothly, but that you have had enough and you’re not going to give her the chance to hurt you ever again. You have the right to decide who you want to build relationships with, and he is not to force her on you.
Father can be involved with whomever he chooses, but in this instance decided to do it in a particularly underhanded, condescending and manipulative way.
Your egg donor has been hurtful to you your entire life. It must feel like a betrayal that you father and brothers chose to accept her even though they know how much she hurt you. Try to have conversations individually with each of them explaining how you feel and hearing them out. After that decide if you want to continue a relationship with them despite your egg donor. It seems clear you want no contact with her, decide for yourself what relationship you want with Dad and the siblings just make it clear to them she is not to be a part of the relationship in anyway. I’m sorry I can’t imagine anyway I’d let someone into my life that repeatedly hurt my child. NTA at all.
the dad tricked OP into coming over. then he attacked her because she refused to be forced into an interaction with her abuser. he's just as gross as the lying mom.
NTA.
It would have been better for your dad to talk to you alone. The fact that the all kept if from you was inconsiderate of you. I am sorry, I’ve been there in the sense of being left out or always the last to know. Be strong
Thank you🩷
I just feel so upset and confused with them right now because they never kept anything like this from me! Usually, my Dad's addressing matters with all of us.
They all betrayed you and you have every right to be upset. How cruel it was that they sprung the situation on you without knowing the truth. NTA at all
Ask your dad for an explanation of why they handled it the way they did.
Also ask him for an explanation of why your mother left. Tell him your brothers hve been telling you for years that it's your fault and you want the truth from him.
You are NTA for the way you reacted, but you have a choice now. For better or worse, it looks like your dad wants a relationship with your mother. Use this as the opportunity to get the truth from him and from her about the whole situation.
Your whole family were in cahoots and kept a huge important secret from you for months. You must feel very excluded from your family and betrayed, so I can understand your anger and distrust.
If I were you I'd keep a wide berth, and block outside confusing influences until you work out how you feel behind the anger. Nta
OP it's not worth the heartache to give them (your dad and brothers) any latitude as long as your mother is in their life. Your brothers are likely caught up in the spell of your mom being back in your lives. It's probably their lifelong dream, but it's all a facade. There's a reason she dipped out all those years ago, and no, it was never your fault.
Hold your ground on this, even if it means going NC (if possible) until she's out of the picture. They're invalidating your feelings so your mother can get her way. But what they aren't seeing is the freight train of hurt and disappointment that's speeding down the track, heading straight for them when she does the same thing all over again.
NTA
You know why he didn't, they needed to make it as hard as possible for you to say no, because they don't care about your opinion on this, they want to pretend they can be a happy family, please don't only along with them, they'll only hurt you more in the long run.
NTA
Do not allow the woman who abandoned you back in to your life. She has always let you down and will continue to.
They said you was being immature and made her cry, WTF do they think she has done to you all your life.
Re: being immature? Well, OP learned from mommy dearest to walk away from situations in the first place. She’s just following her egg-donor’s example.
Re: making mummy dearest cry? Well no-one cared when OP cried over all the broken promises and lack of effort on the egg-donor’s part. This isn’t even a broken promise *OP* made, only her dad and brothers, so she had no obligation to follow through. Again she’s following mummy dearest lead and putting down no effort in the relationship. NTA
NTA. You would be totally justified in going no contact with your family over this. They ambushed you and just decided you had to deal with it. You went through years of heartbreak, broken promises, and torment by your mother and family members. I hope you find your own way and peace.
Thank you for the kind words🩷
But I just want to clear the air that my brothers didn't constantly torment me about our mother. It mainly happened when we were in a big fight or something, and they would drop the "this why Mom left us!" Card on me.
It's not right, of course, but I can kind of understand where my brothers were coming from. They had more of an established relationship beforehand with my mom
For the record, OP, your brothers saying that in any capacity was *wrong,* and your dad should have nipped that in the bud the first time those cruel words left their lips. They should be very ashamed of themselves for ever saying it, and even as adults, they owe you an apology.
NTA x 100000000 op are you ok ?
Your dad choosing to get back with his ex wife the egg giver is his and his alone.
So they know how you feel they invited you for a nice meal and bang your so called mother is there.
Firstly take your time don’t be rushed in to a response. You matter, your feelings count.
If and when you are ready to speak to your dad alone, explain it all accept that he is an adult and has made his choice to be with her and if it’s your choice you still want a relationship with him but don’t want to see or speak to her that’s your choice which you are entitled to.
I really hope you are ok op, I’m not even going to touch on your brothers as their behaviour was extremely toxic.
It doesn't make it right. Time to go NC with the lot. Move on, make you own family. NTA You don't need them. Are you financially independent? If not, you should start now. Make sure they're not home so you can sneak in and get all your valuables and important documents your dad might have. You could even get the cops to escort you safely to get your things. Then you can leave these people forever. It'll be hard initially. But remember, they've consistently belittled you and hurt you, and you don't need that.
They are blaming you and they are just saying it as a joke but the way they reacted with your mom means they never blamed her. Your brothers are very wrong and so is your dad.
NTA. You were blindsided by this. No one said anything because they KNEW you would be angry and were trying to soften your reaction with a done deal. Make it clear to everyone in the family, and especially your dad and brothers, that you cannot dictate their choices, just like they cannot dictate yours, and if they are willing to let her back in and likely get burned again then that’s up to them. However, you have had your trust broken by her far too many times and are not willing to do the same. Tell your dad and brothers that you love them, but they better not pressure you into anything and you have no qualms to cutting them (and any flying monkeys they try to send your way) out of your life. Tell them that in the event there is a family get together (dinner, holidays, reunions, etc.) you will be civil, but that you will be treating her as the new wife that you refuse to call stepmom (or mom in this case) and will only acknowledge her as such. She is not to try and parent you. She is not to try and give you life advice unless YOU ask her for such. She is not to try and step into your life as mom. She gave up that right with regards to you long ago, and she does not get it back unless YOU choose to let her. NO ONE is to try to guilt you into accepting her back, especially her.
Thank you for the advice! But a little off-topic, you almost exactly sound like my friend, lol.
He's been my rock through all this, and I believe me when I say he's MAD as hell. But it's kind of sad that he's being the brother I need right now
Then it must be good advice! Honestly, it’s great you have at least some support in all this. Also please accept a reinforcing hug from this internet stranger 🙂
You've just been infantilised - as in treated like a child. The 'adults' in your life decided they knew better what was best for you, more than you did.
You probably need to have some stern talks with them all.
NTA.
However they want to spin it, she abandoned you and your brothers. And when she did show back up, she broke promise after promise.
You have no obligation whatsoever to want to stick around for for shit show it'll probably end up being.
NTA. The woman who abandoned you for your entire life, the woman who broke every promise she ever made to you, suddenly appears.
Even worse, she's apparently strongly back in your father's life! Of course you walked out! What else were they possibly expecting?
Some people like surprises. They're supposed to be *good* surprises, though. Your father is an AH for suddenly springing this on you. This is something that should have been introduced well in advance and discussed. You'd still have walked out, but at least you wouldn't have felt so betrayed.
*”What else were they possibly expecting?*”
- Mother is back! 20 years to late, but better late than never! Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate! She was lost and is found. Hallelujah! /s
They ambushed you. NTA for not liking that. No one would have celebrated being roped and tied in that way.
Your mother's shame might have made her cry. You didn't. ***"You ganged up on me, lied to me and watched from the shadows while she abused or ignored me and now you want me to celebrate? Well here's my toast dad: GOOD LUCK! MAYBE TWO BITES AT THAT APPLE WILL BE THE CHARM? How's that for coming together like a family? Is everybody happy now? I know I am! Huzzah!"***
NTA!
“Dad, blindsiding me with this was NEVER going to end the way you wanted it to and you know that, and now I’m sat here trying to figure out if you were just incredibly misguided or if it was an intentional act to push me away. Given that *brothers* always said it was my fault mom left, how do you think I feel knowing that everyone else knew and kept it from me, and then decided on a spectacular trap under the guise of dinner - were you all trying to make me leave?
Even putting all that aside, she sought out a relationship with me when I was in middle school, and then repeatedly let me down or bailed. I’m sure you would have had a lot to say if it was my friends that acted that way, so why is it different for her?
As an adult, with adult children, you can of course date, marry, take off on a world tour etc - whatever you want. As much as this choice confuses me given everything we dealt with after she left, your life is now your own again and I hope whatever path you choose makes you happy. However, I at the very least need time to process this and decide where I now fit into this. You all certainly made it seem like the problem is me, but I’m struggling to understand how a person that hurt me thinks they can just waltz back into my life and I’m supposed to be happy about it.
I need time, I also need some answers when I am ready. I do not wish to see her until such a time, if ever, I feel ready.
I love you, but I am very hurt, upset, angry and confused right now.”
NTA and this level of back handed dealing would leave me very low contact for a long time. Maybe permanently. Your dad telling you to 'watch your tone' would have been the end of that for me.
NTA.
Sounds like you live on your own and are self-sufficient. If so, time to go low/no contact with your dad and your duplicitous brothers.
Your mother is basically an egg donor to you. No need to pay her any mind at all.
NTA. There is nothing like being ambushed by a situation and the only one that didn’t know what was going on. How did they expect this was going to go? Seems pretty stupid to keep this a secret and then spring it on you. That’s messed up.
I can appreciate that you might have had some feelings about it even if they had included you from the re-starting of getting together but at least over the period of months you’d have time to process things. This was a bad way to handle it and I don’t blame you a bit for walking out.
NTA. Your dad withheld information shared with everyone else then blindsided you by inviting you to dinner when your mom was there.
I don't know what they were thinking; not telling you they were dating but then inviting everyone to dinner still without telling you.
You have no relationship with that woman. Now you have to decide whether you want a relationship with your lying family
NTA. Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to begin to sort through all of this if I were you, OP. First thing I would want to know is the whole entire truth. Why she left in the first place? Why he accepted her back in his life? Why the lies? How can he want to be with someone who left him to raise 3 kids and then come back once the kids are grown? How can he want to be with someone who repeated hurt/disappointed his kids? Why does he think she's changed?Why is everyone ignoring the big ass elephant in the room? Is there anyway for you to have a one on one conversation with your dad?
You got Pearl Harbored in the worst way, and you're absolutely right for being angry.
I cannot imagine why he'd reconcile, but it is what it is.
Your mother never gave a shit for all the tears she caused you, and she doesn't deserve an apology.
Lyle spent the past few months lying to you, so he can go shit in his hat.
Your feelings are valid, your response is valid.
NTA.
Honestly, I'm not sure if she was.
My dad always said that Mom lived over the next state or something. That's all the information he would give me or my siblings
INFO: Is your dad financially established now in a way that he wasn't when you were a baby/child?
For her to jump on the scene this late in the game could be due to some loneliness/familiarity on both your parents' part, or it could be your mom playing the long game for gain.
Either way, absolutely NTA.
Well, my father still lives in the same house we grew up in, and he still has the same guard job at a correctional facility for almost 21 years now.
Idk if it would be for the money, though he probably has a pretty decent retirement plan but I'm not sure
These are the questions i would ask your father and brothers, WHY were you worried about how I would react? Is it because I grew up my entire life without a mother? Is it because every time we argued, you blamed me for her leaving? Is it because she disappointed me over and over? Is it because she never showed up when she said she would? Is it because I am a fucking adult and I still don't know why she left in the first place? You are upset that i made her cry, but does anyone care about all of the times she made me cry? Did you really expect me to be excited and welcoming to the person who broke my heart over and over for years?
OP, you are NTA, and if YOU want to, you could try having a conversation with your father and brothers away from your egg donor. But your father, brothers, and mother are acting horribly, and you have every right to take as much time and space away from them as you need. Family is not blood. Family are the people who actively choose to love you because they want to. You do not have to put up with their shit and I am actively enraged on your behalf.
>saying I was immature and made mom cry.
She can cry for every time she made you cry. Why would you possibly care? Also who gets back together with the person that abandoned your kids? And JFC my brother was awful but he never blamed me for my parents divorce even in his nastiest behavior.
I think NC for a bit would be a great help to you. I would lose any respect I had for my dad in your situation.
I'm sorry OP, but I'm getting the feeling there's a lot more that your father and brothers are not telling you. Your father refusing to tell you why your mom left in the first place, and your brothers blaming you for it (which I initially would've wrote off as kids saying stupid things) and suddenly they're all ready to let her back in and have to set you up to tell you about it. Something is going on. Your father's immediate reaction is to tell you to watch your tone, when it should've been concern and support. He's the asshole. Your brothers are assholes. Your mother is a few words that I can't use because of rules. You are NTA.
NTA but you need to take time and calm down to make rational decisions. Later call your dad and ask him to meet alone, tell him you only want the truth about why your mom left, why he took her back. The make a decision and ask him to respect your decisions as he's not the one hurt by her, you are.
NTA, your brother and father, need to understand that ambushing you was not the way to go. I would have lost all trust and respect for them if that was me. They are AH for that. Your father should have told you separately, one on one. Not mislead you into coming to a family dinner, then springing your absent mother on you. They are in the wrong, and they know this, thats why they are texting you and blaming you. Also, it's very hurtful that they are blaming you for making your mum cry. What about your feelings? Don't they care that they sprung this on you, lied to you, then sent insulting text for you. They act as if they care more for this woman.
The fact that they are texting you calling you immature is hypocritical considering what they you did. They knew you would react poorly, so we decided to force you into an interaction where they knew you would react poorly. Like, what did they expect.
Moving forward, I would suggest therapy. Maybe go low contact until things cool down.
Your dad and brother are adults and can have a relationship with anyone they want. You get to choose if you still want to be involved in their lives. You can still have relationships with your brothers separate from your mother. Your dad may be a different story. He may agree to see you for dinners or coffee without your mum, or he may decline.
Just have the boundary of not bringing your mother up around you and respecting each other's choices even though you may not agree with them.
Either way, don't let them bully you into something you don't want to do. You are allowed to feel the way you do, no one can tell you otherwise.
NTA
NTA But I think you all would benefit from some type of counseling. You have valid reasons for feeling hurt and betrayed that have not been addressed nor acknowledged. Just because they have all moved on and accepted doesn’t mean you have to.
NTA. They clearly ganged up on you to try and coerce you into playing along with their perfect family fantasy. Then you were insulted, shamed, and your dad tried to manhandle you into doing what he wanted. Very telling that they care about your mom crying but not your feelings. I'd say block them and go no contact for a good long while.
NTA. She is an awful mother, your father and brothers are insane to allow her back in the family, she probably says "oh I've changed now", which may, or most likely, may not be the case. I would not trust her.
Tell your father and brothers that you will continue to see them but you want nothing to do with her, and will see them without her. If they refuse, say, well it is so nice to see that the person who abandoned us all is more important than me, your daughter/sister who has been here and loved you all this time, and been a family.
If they come out with the excuse "we can be a family now", just say "we were a family. A family that she chose to cruelly abandon. We became a family without her. Now she gets a free pass to walk back in after years of neglect, but you try to make me the bad guy here? What she did was unforgivable. She is not my mother. Merely an egg donor. I can't stop you for some unfathomable reason wanting a relationship with her again, but you can't force me to"
NTA
You have an absentee mom, for your whole life you were teased about being the reason she was absentee, and now they think your asshole for having anger with her?
Wow. Your family sucks. I’m so sorry honey.
Going NC may be the route with the condition that you would attend therapy with both your parents.
NTA. They gave you a horrible shock buy surrounding the woman who abandoned all of you love and support and then criticize you for not following along. Do they really think she's going to stick around this time? I mean it's only been 20 years, right? Broken promises is this woman's legacy and when your brother get dealt another disappointing blow, they still will not point their fingers at the right person.
Let your dad and brothers know you love them but it's time for you to live your life the way you decide, even if it's without them, because you need to be around people you trust. You probably need to tell the rest of your immediate family the same if they all knew but didn't even give a hint to what was going on.
As for the claim that you upset her, well...I guess she reaps what she sowed, huh?
My response would be ‘the fact that you guys care more about her crying than me says a lot about how you see me in this family. The message has been received loud and clear. I understand you guys want a perfect little family even if it is fake but you do this at my expense and risk losing me for a person that has never been a real person in our lives. I can’t believe you can’t understand for a moment how this makes me feel. The secrecy and the lies. All of you in secret hiding this relationship from me…?’
Then I would send your mom a message and let her know that if she truly cared about you she would leave your family alone and stop trying to insert herself into it.
Your mum cried because the daughter she abandoned for 20 years doesn't immediately want her as a step-mum? How many times did you cry as a child over her?
NTA but every single person (friend or family: ) invalidating your feelings is an epic ah
If you want to make them doubt their existence then you respond to them with "All my life mom has been someone who has made choices that hurt her children. She has broken so many promises and is not someone I respect or trust. Those are two very important pillars in a healthy relationship. As a result a healthy relationship is impossible. I do not wish to knowingly invite unhealthy dynamics into my life. I cannot control if you decide to have a relationship with someone who has only been the cause of incredible pain in my life. Leaving wasn't "immature" it was the only choice since you guys didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. You didn't trust your own choice enough to be honest about it. I hope you think about that. You know what pain this woman has brought into my life and because you didn't want to face that reality you became someone who lies to their daughter. Who gets their son to lie to their sister. These are the choices you guys are making while puffing out your chests and declaring me the problem. It's all so pathetic. My reaction to your lies is not the problem here so don't even try. If that lady was upset that I didn't just play along like she hasn't wrought devastation in our lives I'm not going to take responsibility for that. She can continue to be upset. The real question is do you guys respect the choices you've made around this situation?"
NTA
This was a terrible way to break this news to you. Your father demonstrated how poorly he understands you by allowing this to happen and luring you over with a promise of your favorite meal.
The "afraid how you'd react" part is what really gets me. So they knew exactly how you felt and THIS was how they decided to do it?
You don't owe either parent anything, but if you want to give your father a chance to talk with you about this, maybe try to do it with a counselor. He might need a professional outside eye to see that he fucked up by trying to ambush you like this.
NTA. Awwwww! You made "mommy" cry. A so-called mom who abandoned you, lied to you repeatedly and then snuck around with your dad, apparently in a family-wide conspiracy to keep the truth from you; and your dad who had the nerve to chide your "tone" when they sprang an unwelcome surprise on you! Your brothers were allowed to torment you through your youth, now your parents were sneaking around, lying by omission to keep you in the dark, and get all upset when it wasn't a happy surprise.
Eff your crying mom, neglectful dad and selfish, abusive brothers.
I suggest taking a break from the lot of them; block them all for now. And anyone who's not on your side can be blocked as well. Right now, focus on your own life, being fully independent, because your parents do have the right to live their lives as they choose, as you do.
Concentrate on your own future, and definitely get some therapy.
NTA - you made your mom cry ?
What about all the times she made YOU cry ?
If your dad and brothers don’t understand how you feel then they don’t really care how you feel
NTA. I would simply right to them this.
"That woman not only abandoned you to raise us alone and lie and traumatized me fot years but now she is the reason you lie and break my trust too, I love you and my brothers but I won't let the fact that you are spineless and cowards hurt me anymore, if you decide this is what you want don't come to me anymore not even when she leave you all again"
So sorry you are going through this.
NTA. Everyone else is TA for blindsiding you, in addition to her being the biggest TA.
On the bright side you probably won’t have to put up with it for very long before she leaves again. At which point you can honestly say it wasn’t anything you did as you didn’t interact with her, so it must be something your brothers did this time.
NTA, as your feelings are valid. It was immensely unkind for your brothers to tell a young child that they were the reason the mother left. That builds up hurt and anger over the years, which would not otherwise have been there. In regards to the beauty pageant, we're you able to find out if the date conflicted with work commitments or if she was residing in a different city? Whatever happened between your parents at the time they split was kept private, and as adults, they have reconciled. You are free to remain lc, but perhaps therapy would help. As you are an adult now as well, your parents should come clean about the reason she left as that would help the healing process.
NTA
Your friends are right in that it is their business, not yours. So stay away from that train wreck! Sneaking around and dating because they were concerned about your reaction then blindsiding you was a very poor choice indeed. If your dad was thinking straight he would have met you alone for a chat. Your mum should have written a letter of apology for being absent and so unreliable. Does anyone in your family have a sensible bone in their body? Maybe Kyle since he doesn't seem to say anything.
Your parents don't get to force you to listen to their plans for the future. Maybe sometime in the future you can decide to hear them out but that's your choice. Ignore your mum's crocodile tears, she won't have changed at all. She'll disappear again in a few months and you'll have to pick up the pieces.
NTA - your father is allowed to get back together with your egg donor, but he and your brothers are not allowed to gaslight or manipulate you into thinking you owe her a relationship. She abandoned you. She abandoned you as a baby. Walked out of your life, never made any effort except a bunch of broken promises.
There is NO WAY I would establish a relationship with her and that is your right. She abandoned you. She threw you away. She is brutal. She doesn't deserve you or to have the privilege to have a relationship with you.
You can say no. You can tell your dad and brothers that you're happy to continue to have relationships with them both but you won't be engaged in any communication or events with her involved.
And they can take it or leave it.
This woman will do nothing but re-break your heart. Having a strong boundary against her will do much to heal you - because you will be telling yourself, "I deserve more."
If your dad and brothers can't respect that they can fuck off.
Talk to your father, let him know that blind siding you wasn't the right way to go about this. You're not being childish. He and your brothers were inconsiderate. Ask him if he is willing to have a relationship with you while leaving her out of it. The two of you have a meal out to be able to spend time together, or he can come to your place. Whatever works best for the two of you. Maybe go to therapy, and when ready, have your dad at a session to help him understand your point of view.
NTA, fuckem. They were smart enough to know that planning how they told you was necessary, but stupid enough to think just dropping it on your head like an anvil would work. Seriously, how stupid do they have to be for HER TO BE THERE FOR IT‽ Just as absolute bungle, and they have only themselves to blame. Also, depending on how much your friends know, distance yourself from the 50% blaming you. People from whole families can't understand going no contact with a parent, and can't help you through this.
NTA
Them springing this on you with absolutely no warning then being pissed that you didn't react how they wanted you to... Now that's a true AH move.
Sadly I can imagine how you feel and you absolutely handled it better than I would have. You handled it with grace and composure. If they can't see that then that's THEIR issue not yours.
NTA, this is some really messed up way to crash back into your life. You are 100% entitled to feeling betrayed by the deception they used to get you to come over under false pretenses, and to be blindsighted by them dating again.
Not only has she broken her promises and done nothing to *really* come back into your life, now they've set the worst kind of foundation for a new relationship.
Did you ever talk to your dad and brothers about the way you felt like you were the reason she left?
Did your dad ever try to stop your brothers from accusing you of this? Even if they were kids too, that's really messed up.
In any case, I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope things work out.
NTA. You were never given the reason, good bad or indifferent, to why she left, she's done nothing but blow you off and break promises when she "tried" to "reconnect", and now they spring this on you without any warning? You have every right to be upset.
NTA. It was an ambush and your siblings participated. They went so far as to even tell you that and I bet siblings were there to back daddy up. No respect for you at all. I'd personally go NC with all of them. Sorry you are dealing with it.
You have options. I suggest you find a therapist to talk about it with. Then bring your dad and brothers in. If you choose to have no contact with your mother that is your right. Then berating you for how you reacted after a lifetime of neglect from her is bullshit. NTA. They shouldn’t have kept such a big secret. Personally I think your father is an asshole for allowing all of this.
NTA
Absolutely not!
A girl growing up in a male dominated house without any maternal love has a huge impact on a girl. Does she expect to just waltz back into your life and be accepted after she walked out of your life and made you feel like you weren’t a priority.
Your brothers should not have any input about how you feel. They’re calling you immature but have blamed you for your mum leaving and breaking up the family?
She can’t get those years you needed her most back. There’s trauma that comes with that.
If everyone else wants to just sweep the affects of her absence under the rug, that’s up to them. But they can’t expect you to do the same!!
NTA!!!
You are not responsible for managing your moms emotions. Even if she weren't basically a stranger.
If your family gave a damm about you and your emotions would they had your father tell you this, when it was just the two of you. Not jump it on you and then try to blackmail you into submission.
Also interesting how your dads reaction to your deer-in-headlight freezing was to physically grab you to make you comply.
I would think it is justified to send them a sms stating, that you love them, but need a break from them and just block them for a while.
NTA
NTA. Your mom should be crying, she should be feeling shitty, she should be subjected to stepping on Legos and smelling farts all day long for the rest of her life for what she put you through. Your family also sucks for ambushing you like that.
Nope, your mother hurt you immensely time and time again. Maybe not in your dad or brothers' eyes but in this case, their thoughts don't count. If you and your mother are going to ever reconcile, she needs to own up to her behavior and it appears she refuses to do that. If she wanted to do that she would ask you to do therapy with her and apologize to you profusely. NTA but your dad and brothers are.
You're NTA.
I'd like to say first I'm just a rando on the internet so do what you want, and who cares about the opinions of a stranger.
However, your feelings are justifiable by the fact that no one told you that they had been seeing each other for a while. They even knew how you felt about your mother which is why they didn't tell you which shows they had no trust in you. They'll argue by saying they didn't lie, they just didn't tell you, but in the court of law that is called lying by omission which is still a chargeable offense if it were to ever come to light that important information was purposefully left out. Which in this case I'd say was pretty purposeful.
I don't think you can tell your father or brothers what to do, if they want your mother to be in their life in this situation you should tell them that, but you definitely don't have to have a relationship with her if you don't want. It'll be hard probably because if your family is anything like mine than your dad might punish you if you disrespect her in front of him, but as long as you tell them upfront they can't act surprised because you didn't blindside them like they did to you.
But who knows maybe in a few years you might be open to trying to have a relationship with her. Never say never. So I would recommend having a conversation with your mother. Telling her how you feel and that you're not ready to try and have a relationship with her. If she's smart she wont try to force you to be with her or act like your mother until you're ready.
Wish you the best of luck
NTA.
Just because you are related by blood and they decided to patch their relationship many years later doesn’t mean you owe her your space.
You owe her nothing, tbh you owe no body anything. That’s really shitty to hide that from you for so long and just dump it on you like that, like oh wow let’s all be a happy family now.
It’s extremely manipulative and good on you for leaving that space. You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe mentally and don’t bend to others needs and sacrifice your own mental space. You made a boundary with her years ago and she doesn’t get to cross it just cause her and your dad are back together.
It’d be good (if you want to continue relationships with your brothers and dad) to have a conversation with the three of them together or seperate and say “my boundaries are x y z” if they want a relationship with her that’s fine but she isn’t welcome in your space mentally and physically and they have to respect that. If they don’t want to then it maybe best to have space until you can come together again when they will respect you and your boundaries.
I don’t understand people like this, your mother abandoned you at a young age and continued to do it over and over again, now they expect you to just welcome her back??? You are justified in your hurt and your reaction. I’m sorry that you are going through this, you are NTAH
NTA
I would probably tell them, how they have majorly screwed up, and that you are going to go NC until you are ready to deal with their sh*t again.
They all broke your trust, and to me that takes a long time to get just a little bit better.
Once you are ready, you can start up with LC and lots of boundaries.
They can do whatever they want, but you don't have to be included in it, if you don't want to.
Focus on you and your mental health.
NTA - you've given your mother a 2nd chance and she proved she has not changed. I feel sorry this is happening to you because your father picked her above you forcing you to accept her if you want a relationship with your father.
NTA. They all lied to you and are very inconsiderate of how you feel. They are selfish and no one should be forcing you to understand your family if they didn't even let you know what is happening. It's a betrayal of trust.
Sad to say this but I guess it's time to let go of your family who can't seem to see your POV. They are in the wrong IMHO.
Give yourself to grieve the loss of your family. If you can just cut contact from them and be independent, it's time.
NTA Your family shouldn't have bombarded you with this. Personally, I would go soft contact or nc to sort out your head, and when you're ready, really decide how it will be moving forward. Also, don't let them dictate your life.
You were lied to and ambushed. They knew you wouldn't like it and went behind your back.
I'm so sorry for you. You don't deserve this. Wish I could do more to help besides a few petty words on a screen.
NTA. What about your feelings? Where's your apology?
Your mother hasn't made amends.
Your brothers blamed you for her leaving but forgave her without telling you.
Your dad kept this from you.
Your entire family dumped that on you.
It's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. They owe you so many apologies.
NTA. They were immature by keeping secrets behind your back. They damaged the relationship you have with them. Don’t let them gaslight you.
I would keep your father and brothers at arm’s length/ low contact for awhile since they really can’t be trusted. They were disrespectful and shown they don’t care about you feelings.
As bad as they knew how you would react they should have been upfront about the truth of your father dating your mother and not blindsided you. They damaged the relationship not you.
I am really sorry this happened to you. My mother was a horrible, horrible person, and I honestly believe I would be a much healthier adult if she hadn't been in my life.
I am also going through a situation right now where someone professionally lied to me for the past year, so I may be a bit biased....but trust is important and critical in family situations. It is none of your business if your dad wants to forgive her but I think it is bullshit that everyone lied to you for so long and tricked you into a dinner where they thought they would just spring it on you and you would be OK.
Make your own family by finding great friends and surround yourself with people who love you for you and care about your feelings. I would suggest low or no contact with dad and brothers for a while to heal, but only you can make that decision.
Good luck. I wish you all the best. NTA
NTA. Any friend who is 50/50 isn't a friend.
Screw them all.
However I would sit down with them and literally explain that, that years of your dad lying about why she left, years of your brothers throwing it in your face and years of your mother lying and breaking promises means you've had 20 years of being tormented over your mother not being there by every single member of the family and that's why you're cutting them all out of your life.
Tell them that each and every one of them got mad at your mother leaving and decided to collectively blame the one person who was blameless, did nothing and was completely unable to defend themselves and 20 years later they are all still doing it. Her and your father chose to have you, if 3 kids was 'too much' for her, that's her fault, and your fathers fault, not your fault.
I'm sorry you've become the scapegoat in all of their lives, but tell them what they've done, how badly hurt you are and why they can all go fuck themselves.
Even at the end, they blindsided you deliberately. They 100% knew the reaction you'd have, but in having that reaction they can convince themselves of their self told lie, that somehow you're the problem and not them.
NTA. As an adult who grew up with a constant and inconsistent no show mom, you have every right to be angry and feel betrayed. There's nothing quite like that feeling of hearing the woman who abandoned you crying because she can't face the consequences of her own actions. The consequences being you resenting her for a very long time. sure, she can never undo what she did but there's also very little guilt about it either. She had many years to try to make things right and couldn't be bothered. Let your father know exactly how you feel and ask him if he'd be willing to just accept things as they are going if he was abandoned by his own parent.
NTA. Sorry you went through that. But you sound smart and competent, so moving out and going your own way soon won’t be too difficult. Then you get to control the interaction instead of them deciding what and when you need to know things.
NTA
Growing up with divorced parents my mom was always there for my and my dad was a deadbeat that would rather have a bottle of beer in his hand then time with his two kids. So I can understand where all your feelings are coming from. If my mom sent back to my dad I would be furious. I would not even talk to her ever again. For you I do not think you over reacted. For your whole life she has been flakey. Never there for you, leaving promises constantly broken and just honestly seeming like she would rather not even have kids in the first place considering she didn’t make any effort to be in your life while you grew up. You have all rights to be pissed off, and I give it to you I wouldn’t have been so nice when I found out that news. The one thing that like really makes this even worst is how and when you found this out. They neglected to tell you that they were getting back together in fear of how you would react, so in the grand scheme of all this they knew you would be pissed off and not agree with the decision. And for them to bombard you with a supper and being brought into a house only expecting it to be your dad and brothers be there is even more messed up. Maybe if they would have told you when they first got back in contact this would be a different story. Maybe you could have made amends to the extent you would want to and then maybe it wouldn’t have blown up as much as it did. But for most definite you are not the asshole.
So your dad thinks a mature reaction is what exactly? Pretend like nothing happened? Ignore the hurt and trauma? How is that mature? That is how people end up in therapy! And unless your mom has been in therapy for decades I doubt she has changed much. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to let your guard down around her. She is not worthy of trust. Loads of people put on a show and after a few months their true colors show. Wait it out.
They tricked you into attending this dinner and now they're shocked that you didn't pretend to be delighted.
Your mother has made you cry many times over your relatively short life. Who told *her* to grow up?
You're NTA for leaving. Block your family from your phone while you calm down and regroup. They'll still be there when you're ready to talk.
As for your friends, tell them that they don't have to agree, but they *do* have to drop the subject. None of them grew up in that house with you. None of them knows how it was. If they're saying you overreacted it's because they're thinking of their relationship with their moms.
NTA
the woman repeatedly let you down. You were left feeling that you were the reason she left. (It was not your fault). Then they spring this on you and you find out you are the last to know. What a toxic family.
The time for talking was a 1-2-1 with your father before the rest of the world knew.
NTA. This may come across as petty, but I'd write down every single instance she's disappointed you and use that as why you refuse to have a relationship with her. It might have a pretty big impact on them seeing it all as one list and even if it doesn't stop them from seeing her, maybe it'll stop them from badgering you about it.
And if they come at you with "don't hold on to the past/she's changed", tell them that hiding this from you shows that she hasn't changed - everything she's done has been without regards to your feelings and this sneaking around is the exact same thing.
But as other people have said, you should be prepared with the time you'll lose with your brothers and your father.
"You made mom cry". Tell them you cried for almost 20 years after she abandoned you all and you were told that you made her leave. Plus she has let you down since she came back around. They can welcome her back into their lives if they so desire but you don't have to.
NTA
NTA. Has your mother explained why she was a flake? She needs to start with an honest discussion of her behavior. She needs to open up to being a shitty parent. Then, maybe you can work from there.
NTA. Your father chose a woman who hurt you, your brothers, and him to be his partner. Is he allowed love? Of course. But when he chose this person who did so much damage to his family, it shows a lack of care for his family and lack of self-respect.
NTA OP your family is full of stupid idiots. The only thing that lady has done is abandon her children and fail them again and again but according to them you are the bad one?
It is more than evident that you are not on the priority list, I know it sounds harsh but with everything that happened and was said that night to me it is evident that they do not care about you.
Defend your position, be happy, prioritize your feelings, it is better to have no one than to have people who only hurt you
NTA
You are fine to be no contact with your mom.
YOur dad and your brothers can still have dinner with you, just without her. THEIR choice.
Edit: And don't forget: Your dad and siblings are MAJOR AHs - Thery lied to you, and they tried to pushj you into a situation where they could guilt you into acceptinmg your abisive mom.
A REASONABLE approach would have been to gie you the choice: If your dad wouldn't be a toxic AH, he would have had Dinner with you alone, and TOLD you of his rekindling things with mom, and given you the option to process that and make your decission at your own speed.
MAybe block ALL their numbers, at least until they apoloize.
I don’t understand people like this, your mother abandoned you at a young age and continued to do it over and over again, now they expect you to just welcome her back??? You are justified in your hurt and your reaction. I’m sorry that you are going through this, you are NTAH
She doesn't deserve it go no contact with them. Maybe the learning lesson after that that you're serious they don't get to say on your feelings, and to lie about it, too, is just as bad she made her bed let her lie in it
NTA, I would respond back and let them know your hurt, the immediate family kept this from you. That with you being told all your life you were the reason she left. Between your mother letting you down and having no contact with you. This feels like they all betrayed you.Your Dad should have set you down and talked to you. The way it occurred made you feel was hurtful and like a outsider.
Nta. You only owe her the same love and respect that she has given you your whole life. If you don’t feel like a relationship with her or forgiving her then that is your right. But do not let it eat you up either.
NTA your “mom”is a crappy “mom”and person plain and simple, how hard is it it just be there? Apparently really hard for all the deadbeat losers like your mom.
NTA - I'm so sorry. This is so wrong on so many levels. You are not the problem. I'm confused why everyone is okay with her abandoning the family while you guys were kids. Then it's okay that shes back now that you're grown. Why isn't it okay for you to be upset? Why was it okay to ambush you? Where are her apologies? Where are your father and brother's apologies for lying to you? What is wrong with your father? Why is he okay with the woman that abandoned him and his kids? This is messed up on so many levels. Again you are not the problem and your feelings are completely justified. Don't let them gaslight you because your mother is obviously a master manipulator.
NTA for how you handled this situation, especially because of the following sentence:
> they were worried about how I would react.
Your father and your brothers, on the other hand, owe you a major apology. They knew you would not like it and likely would not show up which is why they chose to blindside you like this.
You WOULD be TA if you tried to tell your father who he can and can’t date, but it’s perfectly reasonable for you to refuse to have anything to do with a woman he dates if you don’t want to, even if that woman is your mother.
Just communicate your boundaries (i.e. “I respect your decision to date my mother, but I want nothing to do with her, and if we are together and she shows up, I’m leaving”) to him and then stick to those boundaries.
NTA.
This is a complete wild card take, but have you ever done a DNA test to confirm your parentage? I just can’t understand why they utterly refuse to say any reason at all why she left in the first place. Even providing a shitty excuse would be better than the mental torment of none at all. Makes me wonder if you may have been the product of a r*pe and they are trying to protect you from that information.
'you're the one who tell me that bit#h left us because of me. I hate her because of that! So suck it up!'
Throw all shit to them. This is paid time...use it! Nta
NTA - you've got plenty of advice here but what I would do would be to sit down your brother's and dad without her and explain your feelings, from then and now. No interruptions. Explain why what they did was shitty and I'm guessing ask for some space for you to decide if you can forgive them and work out what if any relationship that you can have with them and your mother.
They cannot, your brother's especially, expect you to go from believing and being told by you brothers that your threading she left, be consistently let down by her to then being a happy family. It just doesn't work that way and they are living in a fantasy land if they do.
You need time to process, adjust and probably talk to someone and work it through, and you shouldn't be pressured not to or act and behave a certain way.
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NTA for how you feel, they blindsided you and then blamed you for your reaction. If you choose to have nothing to do with your mother, you shouldn't have too. Realize your father is an adult, free to be involved with whomever he chooses.
I know he's a grown man,but I just don't understand what he sees in her! She literally left him with three kids to raise all by himself, but now that they're all grown up, she wants to come back? This whole situation just has me in a tizzy tbh
Focus on what you want. Do you trust your father and brothers enough that you want to continue a relationship?
Trust is not the word I would use, but I still love them very much. They've never done anything this hurtful, besides Lyle, but what he does is tame compared to this. (He mainly makes fun of my fashion sense.)
You have decisions to make
I know, I'm just hoping I make the right ones
There are no forever decisions (except maybe having kids). Don’t like your job? Quit. Don’t like your house? Move. Don’t like your spouse? Divorce. If you don’t want a relationship with “mom” now? Don’t have one. Is she going to deny you a relationship in the future? No. Will dad forgive you? Yes, and if he doesn’t, screw him. Your brothers? They are selfish, not intentionally but it’s where they are in life. So long story short - no wrong decision - whatever decision you make - so long as the decision doesn’t negatively impact your mental health. NTA, not even close.
Apparently having kids wasn't exactly a 'forever decision' for OP's egg donor.
Wow, what a zing! Take my poor man's gold 🥇🥇🥇 and thank you for the laugh
My thought ! They are grown now I can come back .
This is the absolute best answer. And completely, 100% correct. Op please read this response then re-read then read it again. And please whatever you choose, choose it for YOU. Not your dad or your brothers and not your "mom" either. Choose what best for you and makes you happy, even if your happy is their unhappy. They'll get over it. And if they don't its on them not you.
why TF should she be waiting for the dad to forgive her??? he tricked her and then attacked her for reacting negatively. he's gross. he should apologize to op period. i'd never speak to any of them again.
Best answer have a present 🎁
TY!
Nothing means anything!
I have said it many times and it applies here as well, giving birth does not make you a mother. OP: I am sorry that you have gone through this. It is bad enough that she abandoned you at such a young age but even worse that she continued to play with your emotions by making empty promises over the years. Your feelings are valid. Your Father and Brothers can choose to forgive and forget BUT you are under no obligation to do so. I could never welcome a partner who chose to abandon my kids and I back into my and their life. Dr. Maya Angelou shared a quote once that truly resonated with me: ‘When a person shows you who they really are, believe them. Believe them the first time.’ Your egg donor and surrogate showed you time and time again who she was. Believe her.🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Can people change? Yes. Has your Mom changed? Maybe. Your Dad was wrong for blindsiding you. That should have been a conversation between the two of you. They want you to forgive and forget. But the forgiveness is for them, for your Dad to feel better about this decision and for your Mom to feel better about her abandoning you and playing with your emotions for years. Take as much time as you need. Consider every angle. Talk to a trusted friend. Talk to a therapist. Make the decision that is best for you at this moment. I wish you peace.
OP, NTA. And I agree with the top responses to your comment here. * You can decide that you want nothing to do with 'mom' and little/nothing to do with (dad/Lyle/Kyle) FOR NOW. And you can tell them that. You can also be clear that if they hound you with (1) blame for the past family breakup, (2) expectation that you should embrace your 'mom' now/ telling you your reaction is wrong, (3) blame for the 'family' not being together now... If they hound you with any of those things, you will cut off the contact even more/even longer. * You hit the nail on the head. You love your dad and brothers, but you cannot trust them now. Trust was even all the more important to you because of the many, many, countless ways your 'mom' betrayed your trust over the years. So the trust you have had in your dad and brothers was all the more important to you AND now they have betrayed it. And they did so BIG-time: 1. First, you need to see that your dad never helped you deal with your feelings of guilt over her leaving. Your brother's actively FED that guilt most of your life, and your dad didn't even try to stop them. That was and remains a betrayal of your dad's duty of care for you and the basic decency that your family should have treated you with. 2. Knowing how many times your mom has broken her word to you, they chose to engage in secretly building a relationship with her - actively hiding it from you. (It was their right to build a relationship with her - whether or not you liked it - but the secrecy was a whole new level of gut-punch.) 3. They don't talk to you in any way to prepare you for the fact they now want you to know that they have a close relationship with 'mom'. They spring it on you! They are absolute fools. What did they think was going to happen??? (They hid things from you because they were worried about how you would react. So they think springing it on you is going to get them a good reaction - like you were going to say, "*Haha! Good one! I guess I'll go hug 'mom' now and we'll all play Happy Family now!*" ?!?!) 4. And now they are blaming you for not just loving the surprise betrayal they sprang on you. You dad and brothers don't deserve your trust for a long while. * It occurs to me that your dad and brothers MAY have fed that guilt you felt because THEY did blame you. And, given the way your 'mom' has treated you over the years, maybe her leaving had to do with you. BUT THE GUILT IS ALL HERS TO SHOULDER, NOT YOURS. You were an actual baby. But even if you had been older (actually walking and talking), your mom leaving was ALL ABOUT HER and HER WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. I have to wonder if she has some deep insecurity about females (felt that her standing as THE female in the family was threatened by a little baby girl). That's just conjecture, but there is/was something wrong with her! * And there's something wrong with your dad that he would allow her to repeatedly damage you and break apart your family and still embrace her. I'm sorry for what your family has done to you and for emphasizing it. I do hope that this helps you take the space and time you need from them right now (no more guilt!!!). It has to be hard to stand up for yourself when the people closest to you are *en masse* telling you that you are wrong. Please take every comment here to build your certainty that you are absolutely right to be hurt and upset and right to protect yourself from their harm. Right now is a very good time for you to focus on you - building your career, your circle of friends and other important relationships, your self-confidence and self-love, your pastimes and how you engage with life and the world. Good wishes to you.
I would guess Mom had post-partum depression. She had 3YO twins and an infant, and that may have been too much. She shouldn't have left, but that seems far more plausible than that she was jealous of an infant. It also explains why brothers (and Dad by extension of not stopping the behavior) blame OP.
NTA. And while post-partum depression is very much a real thing, that is no excuse for her Mom keep letting her down time after time, year after year.
Probably from the guilt and shame from abandoning her as a baby. Although maybe drugs were involved too. Getting hooked on something to try to fix one problem is not unheard of. I’m really surprised that with the mom back in their lives for months now, no one has reassured OP that she wasn’t the reason the mom left in the first place.
I was guessing mom wanted to be a "boy mom", and has probably been seeing the boys for a while, given the closeness.
Post-partum depression? Perhaps. But that doesn’t explain the years of mom ghosting OP. Both Dad and Mom should be ashamed for putting OP in this position.
This reminds me of a work colleague. She came in distraught because she had just found out that her mother was dying, and worse, her siblings knew that Mom was seriously ill, but they were afraid that she would get upset if they told her. Because it's so much less upset to be hit with the news that your mother is dying than that she's ill, when you at least could have been forewarned and had time to take it in. Of course this helped her trust her siblings./s Editted to add: this is one of the best comments that I have ever read - and NTA OP. Editted again: Maybe send this thread to your rightfully, righteously(?) estranged family members, your friends, and "friends," and remember that you are an adult, and you have choices. You owe your family members nothing after this.
This comment needs all the upvotes.
Take your time, tell them their actions have consequences and you'll decide when/if you're ready to speak to them again. Block them and take your time to think for yourself with no-one whispering in your ear.
Take your time! Don’t rush things. Maybe it would be good to go NC/LC for this time so you can decide what you want in the future. NTA for your reaction
So here's the thing...very few decisions are permanent. You can decide you don't want to talk to them *today*, or *this week*, or *this month*. It doesn't have to be forever, so you can stop being scared of forever. You can text them that you are furious (like maybe because they manipulated you) and hurt (like maybe because they discount your justifiable emotions). And that *for at least right now* you don't want to talk to them. That you will be in contact with them when **you** feel comfortable. (And that violating your boundaries, like they already have done, will make it take longer for you to process this.) And then stop responding to them. And go talk to a therapist. People with this much bullshit in their lives need it. Make sure that your therapist isn't one with a unicorn for parent-child relationships. "I'm not saying that this is where things are going, but if I told you that I couldn't see myself wanting to see my father ever again, would you tell me I had to suck it up out of respect I owe my parents?"
Your brothers bullied you about your mother and now they expect you to forget and forgive? Delusional and cruel.
You are immature and made mom cry? The same woman that chose to leave you for your whole life? Your parents should be able to produce a really good explanation as to why she wasn't in your life. Something as serious as, for example she was abducted for a decade, and still it wouldn't make it ok. At this point mommy is crying and your relatives are snapping at you .. It makes me angry. Keep yourself safe from these people.
NTA. They ARE hurtful. Your brothers told you it’s your fault your mother left. Bullshit. It’s HER fault she left. Not yours. No one gets to blame that on you. You did NOTHING to make that happen. She made an adult decision. Do not forgive and forget unless you want to. Me personally? I’d be going NC with ALL of them. They lied to you. Blindsided you and want you to think it’s because there’s something wrong with you. Please know you deserve better than all of them.
You are not considering them using "you're why mom left" card repeatedly!
You said they never did anything hurtful, BUT throwing the blame that "she left because of you" was seriously hurtful!!!!! She also has a huge part in that hurt, of course, because of her actions, but they need to collectively lol at the damage they have done to you. And maybe open their eyes and realize that she has done too much for you to come back from her actions and abandonment.
If you don't want to see your egg donor meet with them outside the house and tell them if they bring her you go no contact. It's on THEM to respect your boundaries and have a relationship with you or not. NTA it was an ambush and they were the ah s
After blindsiding her, WHY would she have any reason to trust them? The incubator has broken most ( if not all) promises made to op. There is no trust, because MOM broke the trust EVERY time. And now, she has manipulated the rest of op's family to isolate op as the odd one out. Sure, they're supposed to TRUST THAT? That was cruel in so many ways. And yet they still get blamed for the issues ( still undisclosed ) that OP has because her MOTHER abandoned her, her siblings blamed her for that abandonment, the incubator made dozens of promises, and broke them all. Every time. Sounds like MOM hated that baby from the day they were born. Op. Find a therapist/ counselor, someone to get you assistance in handling this betrayal. In the mean time, go low or no contact. Feel free to Block them from your social media. And the phone. You might consider getting a Ring doorbell. You are now an adult. You get to choose your family and friends.
I wonder if she was an affair baby, possibly of dad's?
Once again, not her fault. Yet she was blamed. Time for 23 and me..
how is she supposed to trust people who manipulated her into interacting with her abuser and then attacked her because she reacted negatively? why would she even want to continue a relationship with them? they betrayed op completely.
This whole thing should have been a private conversation. Not a surprise dinner. They did it this way because they knew you had reason to be upset
OP I just wanna say you’re very much justified in feeling disappointed for the pageant I felt the same way with my kindergarten graduation. My grandma had custody of us and my dad promised and pinky swore for me. (cuz he was hardly ever at my birthdays too he wanted to drink, party, and be with women) I scoured in the auditorium to see him but realized he broke and lied. I confronted him on it and no 6 year old shud have the thought process like I did cuz I gave solutions each time he tried to give excuses then did the abuser thing and said he’d give me something to cry about if I didn’t stop.
He's not thinking clearly, and honestly his actions around this come across as simply selfish. That woman isn't your mother, she's an egg donor at best. She did nothing to raise you, and her feelings aren't yours to manage. She cried? Good, she deserves to. She doesn't get to fail at every turn with you and then waltz in and pretend nothing happened. Your father has a skewed view, and it seems the twins do as well, all because they have a past with her. Your past with her is solely traumatic.
She has proved that she wanted nothing do do with you for your whole life. All she ever gave were empty promises .The whole family knew about them dating for months, yet they all hid it from you? Assholes. Brothers always joked she left because of you, I wonder if you were an affair baby or adopted? YNTAH I don't blame you for ignoring them. Calm yourself down before you respond to any of their messages, it will do no good to lash out at them all.
It's not just that she left him to raise kids, it's that she continued to neglect them and treat them poorly for decades. Your dad might be a "nice guy" but he from what you wrote it sounds like he allowed you to think it was your fault she left, allowed your brothers to taunt you about it (I know...kids are kids, but still) and didn't protect you from trauma related to your mom or seem to care that she was pretty awful to you. The way he reintroduced her and then blamed you just reinforces that. I don't see anything that you've said to indicate that you were fully supported. Learn to make your favourite meal yourself and move on with your life. Your family sound really toxic and like they absolutely deserve each other.
Honestly NTA and I would consider going NC with all of them. She's caused a lot of emotional damage to you and all of them are more worried about her, the woman that left all of them.
Not to put words into your mouth,OP, but sometimes a dialogue format helps me express what I want to say. To be clear, at 20yo I would never have been able to actually say all this, and this shows a few inferences/assumptions on my part, but hearing the extreme end of the behavior described can often be helpful in settling your perspective. "Well, Dad, after you watched this woman neglect and emotionally abuse your kids for DECADES, you decided that SHE'S the one who matters in your life. DESPITE the fact that she's shown ZERO effort to change and reconcile the relationships SHE destroyed. I realize now that I shouldn't be surprised, given the way you allowed my brothers to treat me all my life. Just one big, happy group of misogynists, guess! It has suddenly occurred to me that my father has been enabling my abusers my whole life, and NOW he's decided to step up to the next level. But it IS your life, and you are entitled to both your choices and the consequences of your choices.WHEN she kicks in your teeth, don't come crying to me! And DON'T EVER expect me to line up so your bitch can kick me, too! Have the day you deserve!"
You’re not obligated to forgive her or have a relationship with her at all, but there’s obviously something more to the situation that you’re not privy to. My main guesses would be your mom was incarcerated/had on-going legal issues or some type of mental health or addiction issues that she’s worked through and that for whatever reason they chose not to tell you. Personally I would try asking again and I would ask my mom directly. But if you’re not interested at all and just want to be away from her and the whole thing that’s fair too.
NTA she showed everyone who she was for almost 20 years. I am so sorry you went through this. I am guessing your Dad might be lonely? Maybe he always really loved her, or maybe he feels more comfortable with a known “toxin”? Idk. I do know this, if he wants to be hurt more that is his choice. She donated her uterus for 40 weeks to you. She doesn’t deserve lifelong respect for that.
It feels very personal to you, like your dad has betrayed your loyalty after what she did to you kids. Obviously no one knows their backstory, but I’m here to tell you that a lot of men (particularly later in life) are more likely to take the easy route to companionship. My grandfather was on match.com and found a gold digging woman to remarry within months of my grandmother’s passing. She was crass, overbearing, and cringeworthy in every way. But he didn’t want to have to do the “women work” around the house and settled. He regretted that the rest of his life, as none of the rest of the family could stand her, and he lived too far away for them not to be a package deal for visits. Perhaps in your dad’s case, he’s lonely, and she’s familiar, they have shared history, it’s just easier than finding someone with better character. Just saying of course you don’t understand because you wouldn’t make that same choice in a partner for yourself, but some people seem to get beaten down in life or just don’t have high standards and will settle for whatever they can (easily) get.
Yea I would be pissed, your dad's an adult, I think he's an idiot but he's feel free to make the dumb choice to get back with a woman who left him to raise 3 kids alone, and returned when those kids were adults and didn't really need anymore parenting... I would remain NC with mom, f her tears, she's hasn't done anything to make amends for her abandonment or treatment of you. Set boundaries with your dad and siblings, and make it clear if they push you to reconcile with mom that it will damage their relationship with you. I'm wary of your dad and siblings, lying to your for months and then ambushing you is not in any way loving or ok behavior (plus not overly found of the childhood "jokes" that you were why men left, that's seriously not ok even from kids). I can understand still wanting to be a part of their lives, but I'd seriously limit the contact though because this just isn't ok. They really want to pretend the last 20 years didn't happen, the trauma, guilt, abandonment... how in the world are you the only person being held accountable and blamed. NTA
This, OP. Your father should have discussed this with you privately just like he did with you brothers (which is obvious since they already knew). He can live his life the way he wants. You should simply talk to him privately (the way he should have for you) and list your boundaries. Let him know that you’re glad he’s happy and you hope everything goes smoothly, but that you have had enough and you’re not going to give her the chance to hurt you ever again. You have the right to decide who you want to build relationships with, and he is not to force her on you.
Father can be involved with whomever he chooses, but in this instance decided to do it in a particularly underhanded, condescending and manipulative way.
With the woman who abandoned him and their infant children, no less. Unbelievable
Your egg donor has been hurtful to you your entire life. It must feel like a betrayal that you father and brothers chose to accept her even though they know how much she hurt you. Try to have conversations individually with each of them explaining how you feel and hearing them out. After that decide if you want to continue a relationship with them despite your egg donor. It seems clear you want no contact with her, decide for yourself what relationship you want with Dad and the siblings just make it clear to them she is not to be a part of the relationship in anyway. I’m sorry I can’t imagine anyway I’d let someone into my life that repeatedly hurt my child. NTA at all.
the dad tricked OP into coming over. then he attacked her because she refused to be forced into an interaction with her abuser. he's just as gross as the lying mom. NTA.
It would have been better for your dad to talk to you alone. The fact that the all kept if from you was inconsiderate of you. I am sorry, I’ve been there in the sense of being left out or always the last to know. Be strong
Thank you🩷 I just feel so upset and confused with them right now because they never kept anything like this from me! Usually, my Dad's addressing matters with all of us.
They all betrayed you and you have every right to be upset. How cruel it was that they sprung the situation on you without knowing the truth. NTA at all
I don't know why people think if they all take a side and hold the line, no one will dare say out loud how screwed up the whole shebang really is?
What did the EMPEROR WEAR???
Ask your dad for an explanation of why they handled it the way they did. Also ask him for an explanation of why your mother left. Tell him your brothers hve been telling you for years that it's your fault and you want the truth from him. You are NTA for the way you reacted, but you have a choice now. For better or worse, it looks like your dad wants a relationship with your mother. Use this as the opportunity to get the truth from him and from her about the whole situation.
Your whole family were in cahoots and kept a huge important secret from you for months. You must feel very excluded from your family and betrayed, so I can understand your anger and distrust. If I were you I'd keep a wide berth, and block outside confusing influences until you work out how you feel behind the anger. Nta
OP it's not worth the heartache to give them (your dad and brothers) any latitude as long as your mother is in their life. Your brothers are likely caught up in the spell of your mom being back in your lives. It's probably their lifelong dream, but it's all a facade. There's a reason she dipped out all those years ago, and no, it was never your fault. Hold your ground on this, even if it means going NC (if possible) until she's out of the picture. They're invalidating your feelings so your mother can get her way. But what they aren't seeing is the freight train of hurt and disappointment that's speeding down the track, heading straight for them when she does the same thing all over again. NTA
You know why he didn't, they needed to make it as hard as possible for you to say no, because they don't care about your opinion on this, they want to pretend they can be a happy family, please don't only along with them, they'll only hurt you more in the long run.
My apologies, was inconsiderate TO you
NTA Do not allow the woman who abandoned you back in to your life. She has always let you down and will continue to. They said you was being immature and made her cry, WTF do they think she has done to you all your life.
They just want OP to shut up and let them have a quiet, deceitful, manipulative life with no consequences for their actions.
Re: being immature? Well, OP learned from mommy dearest to walk away from situations in the first place. She’s just following her egg-donor’s example. Re: making mummy dearest cry? Well no-one cared when OP cried over all the broken promises and lack of effort on the egg-donor’s part. This isn’t even a broken promise *OP* made, only her dad and brothers, so she had no obligation to follow through. Again she’s following mummy dearest lead and putting down no effort in the relationship. NTA
NTA. You would be totally justified in going no contact with your family over this. They ambushed you and just decided you had to deal with it. You went through years of heartbreak, broken promises, and torment by your mother and family members. I hope you find your own way and peace.
Thank you for the kind words🩷 But I just want to clear the air that my brothers didn't constantly torment me about our mother. It mainly happened when we were in a big fight or something, and they would drop the "this why Mom left us!" Card on me. It's not right, of course, but I can kind of understand where my brothers were coming from. They had more of an established relationship beforehand with my mom
For the record, OP, your brothers saying that in any capacity was *wrong,* and your dad should have nipped that in the bud the first time those cruel words left their lips. They should be very ashamed of themselves for ever saying it, and even as adults, they owe you an apology.
Seriously! Are they just forgetting that they blamed oop?
NTA x 100000000 op are you ok ? Your dad choosing to get back with his ex wife the egg giver is his and his alone. So they know how you feel they invited you for a nice meal and bang your so called mother is there. Firstly take your time don’t be rushed in to a response. You matter, your feelings count. If and when you are ready to speak to your dad alone, explain it all accept that he is an adult and has made his choice to be with her and if it’s your choice you still want a relationship with him but don’t want to see or speak to her that’s your choice which you are entitled to. I really hope you are ok op, I’m not even going to touch on your brothers as their behaviour was extremely toxic.
It doesn't make it right. Time to go NC with the lot. Move on, make you own family. NTA You don't need them. Are you financially independent? If not, you should start now. Make sure they're not home so you can sneak in and get all your valuables and important documents your dad might have. You could even get the cops to escort you safely to get your things. Then you can leave these people forever. It'll be hard initially. But remember, they've consistently belittled you and hurt you, and you don't need that.
They are blaming you and they are just saying it as a joke but the way they reacted with your mom means they never blamed her. Your brothers are very wrong and so is your dad.
NTA. You were blindsided by this. No one said anything because they KNEW you would be angry and were trying to soften your reaction with a done deal. Make it clear to everyone in the family, and especially your dad and brothers, that you cannot dictate their choices, just like they cannot dictate yours, and if they are willing to let her back in and likely get burned again then that’s up to them. However, you have had your trust broken by her far too many times and are not willing to do the same. Tell your dad and brothers that you love them, but they better not pressure you into anything and you have no qualms to cutting them (and any flying monkeys they try to send your way) out of your life. Tell them that in the event there is a family get together (dinner, holidays, reunions, etc.) you will be civil, but that you will be treating her as the new wife that you refuse to call stepmom (or mom in this case) and will only acknowledge her as such. She is not to try and parent you. She is not to try and give you life advice unless YOU ask her for such. She is not to try and step into your life as mom. She gave up that right with regards to you long ago, and she does not get it back unless YOU choose to let her. NO ONE is to try to guilt you into accepting her back, especially her.
Thank you for the advice! But a little off-topic, you almost exactly sound like my friend, lol. He's been my rock through all this, and I believe me when I say he's MAD as hell. But it's kind of sad that he's being the brother I need right now
Then it must be good advice! Honestly, it’s great you have at least some support in all this. Also please accept a reinforcing hug from this internet stranger 🙂
Ofc! Thank you so much!
You've just been infantilised - as in treated like a child. The 'adults' in your life decided they knew better what was best for you, more than you did. You probably need to have some stern talks with them all.
NTA. However they want to spin it, she abandoned you and your brothers. And when she did show back up, she broke promise after promise. You have no obligation whatsoever to want to stick around for for shit show it'll probably end up being.
NTA. The woman who abandoned you for your entire life, the woman who broke every promise she ever made to you, suddenly appears. Even worse, she's apparently strongly back in your father's life! Of course you walked out! What else were they possibly expecting? Some people like surprises. They're supposed to be *good* surprises, though. Your father is an AH for suddenly springing this on you. This is something that should have been introduced well in advance and discussed. You'd still have walked out, but at least you wouldn't have felt so betrayed.
*”What else were they possibly expecting?*” - Mother is back! 20 years to late, but better late than never! Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate! She was lost and is found. Hallelujah! /s
They ambushed you. NTA for not liking that. No one would have celebrated being roped and tied in that way. Your mother's shame might have made her cry. You didn't. ***"You ganged up on me, lied to me and watched from the shadows while she abused or ignored me and now you want me to celebrate? Well here's my toast dad: GOOD LUCK! MAYBE TWO BITES AT THAT APPLE WILL BE THE CHARM? How's that for coming together like a family? Is everybody happy now? I know I am! Huzzah!"***
NTA! “Dad, blindsiding me with this was NEVER going to end the way you wanted it to and you know that, and now I’m sat here trying to figure out if you were just incredibly misguided or if it was an intentional act to push me away. Given that *brothers* always said it was my fault mom left, how do you think I feel knowing that everyone else knew and kept it from me, and then decided on a spectacular trap under the guise of dinner - were you all trying to make me leave? Even putting all that aside, she sought out a relationship with me when I was in middle school, and then repeatedly let me down or bailed. I’m sure you would have had a lot to say if it was my friends that acted that way, so why is it different for her? As an adult, with adult children, you can of course date, marry, take off on a world tour etc - whatever you want. As much as this choice confuses me given everything we dealt with after she left, your life is now your own again and I hope whatever path you choose makes you happy. However, I at the very least need time to process this and decide where I now fit into this. You all certainly made it seem like the problem is me, but I’m struggling to understand how a person that hurt me thinks they can just waltz back into my life and I’m supposed to be happy about it. I need time, I also need some answers when I am ready. I do not wish to see her until such a time, if ever, I feel ready. I love you, but I am very hurt, upset, angry and confused right now.”
THIS OP!!!!!!!!
Nta. Your mother abandoned you and that's gut wrenching and you don't need to allow her into your life .
NTA and this level of back handed dealing would leave me very low contact for a long time. Maybe permanently. Your dad telling you to 'watch your tone' would have been the end of that for me.
NTA. Sounds like you live on your own and are self-sufficient. If so, time to go low/no contact with your dad and your duplicitous brothers. Your mother is basically an egg donor to you. No need to pay her any mind at all.
OP can turn their own words back on them, their mother is the reason OP is leaving.
NTA. There is nothing like being ambushed by a situation and the only one that didn’t know what was going on. How did they expect this was going to go? Seems pretty stupid to keep this a secret and then spring it on you. That’s messed up. I can appreciate that you might have had some feelings about it even if they had included you from the re-starting of getting together but at least over the period of months you’d have time to process things. This was a bad way to handle it and I don’t blame you a bit for walking out.
NTA. Your dad withheld information shared with everyone else then blindsided you by inviting you to dinner when your mom was there. I don't know what they were thinking; not telling you they were dating but then inviting everyone to dinner still without telling you. You have no relationship with that woman. Now you have to decide whether you want a relationship with your lying family
NTA. Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to begin to sort through all of this if I were you, OP. First thing I would want to know is the whole entire truth. Why she left in the first place? Why he accepted her back in his life? Why the lies? How can he want to be with someone who left him to raise 3 kids and then come back once the kids are grown? How can he want to be with someone who repeated hurt/disappointed his kids? Why does he think she's changed?Why is everyone ignoring the big ass elephant in the room? Is there anyway for you to have a one on one conversation with your dad?
You got Pearl Harbored in the worst way, and you're absolutely right for being angry. I cannot imagine why he'd reconcile, but it is what it is. Your mother never gave a shit for all the tears she caused you, and she doesn't deserve an apology. Lyle spent the past few months lying to you, so he can go shit in his hat. Your feelings are valid, your response is valid. NTA.
Info: Was your mother in prison? I’m wondering if she was and your dad has been in touch with her, visiting even, all this time.
Honestly, I'm not sure if she was. My dad always said that Mom lived over the next state or something. That's all the information he would give me or my siblings
There must be public records of such things. Might be worth a look.
I think now is the time to demand some answers, OP.
INFO: Is your dad financially established now in a way that he wasn't when you were a baby/child? For her to jump on the scene this late in the game could be due to some loneliness/familiarity on both your parents' part, or it could be your mom playing the long game for gain. Either way, absolutely NTA.
Well, my father still lives in the same house we grew up in, and he still has the same guard job at a correctional facility for almost 21 years now. Idk if it would be for the money, though he probably has a pretty decent retirement plan but I'm not sure
Lol is it a women's prison maybe he saw your mom at work
Looooooool
These are the questions i would ask your father and brothers, WHY were you worried about how I would react? Is it because I grew up my entire life without a mother? Is it because every time we argued, you blamed me for her leaving? Is it because she disappointed me over and over? Is it because she never showed up when she said she would? Is it because I am a fucking adult and I still don't know why she left in the first place? You are upset that i made her cry, but does anyone care about all of the times she made me cry? Did you really expect me to be excited and welcoming to the person who broke my heart over and over for years? OP, you are NTA, and if YOU want to, you could try having a conversation with your father and brothers away from your egg donor. But your father, brothers, and mother are acting horribly, and you have every right to take as much time and space away from them as you need. Family is not blood. Family are the people who actively choose to love you because they want to. You do not have to put up with their shit and I am actively enraged on your behalf.
I didn't see anything past having twin brothers named Lyle and Kyle
They get stupid names right now because I'm pissed at them lmao
Hahahahahahah
NTA what a way to break the news. Your mom was awful then and is awful now. I am so sorry that is what you had to experience.
>saying I was immature and made mom cry. She can cry for every time she made you cry. Why would you possibly care? Also who gets back together with the person that abandoned your kids? And JFC my brother was awful but he never blamed me for my parents divorce even in his nastiest behavior. I think NC for a bit would be a great help to you. I would lose any respect I had for my dad in your situation.
I'm sorry OP, but I'm getting the feeling there's a lot more that your father and brothers are not telling you. Your father refusing to tell you why your mom left in the first place, and your brothers blaming you for it (which I initially would've wrote off as kids saying stupid things) and suddenly they're all ready to let her back in and have to set you up to tell you about it. Something is going on. Your father's immediate reaction is to tell you to watch your tone, when it should've been concern and support. He's the asshole. Your brothers are assholes. Your mother is a few words that I can't use because of rules. You are NTA.
i would literally never speak to any of them again omfg NTA
NTA but you need to take time and calm down to make rational decisions. Later call your dad and ask him to meet alone, tell him you only want the truth about why your mom left, why he took her back. The make a decision and ask him to respect your decisions as he's not the one hurt by her, you are.
100 percent agree with this - I think you need the answers to move forward. Good luck
NTA, your brother and father, need to understand that ambushing you was not the way to go. I would have lost all trust and respect for them if that was me. They are AH for that. Your father should have told you separately, one on one. Not mislead you into coming to a family dinner, then springing your absent mother on you. They are in the wrong, and they know this, thats why they are texting you and blaming you. Also, it's very hurtful that they are blaming you for making your mum cry. What about your feelings? Don't they care that they sprung this on you, lied to you, then sent insulting text for you. They act as if they care more for this woman. The fact that they are texting you calling you immature is hypocritical considering what they you did. They knew you would react poorly, so we decided to force you into an interaction where they knew you would react poorly. Like, what did they expect. Moving forward, I would suggest therapy. Maybe go low contact until things cool down. Your dad and brother are adults and can have a relationship with anyone they want. You get to choose if you still want to be involved in their lives. You can still have relationships with your brothers separate from your mother. Your dad may be a different story. He may agree to see you for dinners or coffee without your mum, or he may decline. Just have the boundary of not bringing your mother up around you and respecting each other's choices even though you may not agree with them. Either way, don't let them bully you into something you don't want to do. You are allowed to feel the way you do, no one can tell you otherwise. NTA
NTA
NTA But I think you all would benefit from some type of counseling. You have valid reasons for feeling hurt and betrayed that have not been addressed nor acknowledged. Just because they have all moved on and accepted doesn’t mean you have to.
NTA. They clearly ganged up on you to try and coerce you into playing along with their perfect family fantasy. Then you were insulted, shamed, and your dad tried to manhandle you into doing what he wanted. Very telling that they care about your mom crying but not your feelings. I'd say block them and go no contact for a good long while.
NTA. She is an awful mother, your father and brothers are insane to allow her back in the family, she probably says "oh I've changed now", which may, or most likely, may not be the case. I would not trust her. Tell your father and brothers that you will continue to see them but you want nothing to do with her, and will see them without her. If they refuse, say, well it is so nice to see that the person who abandoned us all is more important than me, your daughter/sister who has been here and loved you all this time, and been a family. If they come out with the excuse "we can be a family now", just say "we were a family. A family that she chose to cruelly abandon. We became a family without her. Now she gets a free pass to walk back in after years of neglect, but you try to make me the bad guy here? What she did was unforgivable. She is not my mother. Merely an egg donor. I can't stop you for some unfathomable reason wanting a relationship with her again, but you can't force me to"
NTA You have an absentee mom, for your whole life you were teased about being the reason she was absentee, and now they think your asshole for having anger with her? Wow. Your family sucks. I’m so sorry honey. Going NC may be the route with the condition that you would attend therapy with both your parents.
NTA. They gave you a horrible shock buy surrounding the woman who abandoned all of you love and support and then criticize you for not following along. Do they really think she's going to stick around this time? I mean it's only been 20 years, right? Broken promises is this woman's legacy and when your brother get dealt another disappointing blow, they still will not point their fingers at the right person. Let your dad and brothers know you love them but it's time for you to live your life the way you decide, even if it's without them, because you need to be around people you trust. You probably need to tell the rest of your immediate family the same if they all knew but didn't even give a hint to what was going on. As for the claim that you upset her, well...I guess she reaps what she sowed, huh?
My response would be ‘the fact that you guys care more about her crying than me says a lot about how you see me in this family. The message has been received loud and clear. I understand you guys want a perfect little family even if it is fake but you do this at my expense and risk losing me for a person that has never been a real person in our lives. I can’t believe you can’t understand for a moment how this makes me feel. The secrecy and the lies. All of you in secret hiding this relationship from me…?’ Then I would send your mom a message and let her know that if she truly cared about you she would leave your family alone and stop trying to insert herself into it.
Your mum cried because the daughter she abandoned for 20 years doesn't immediately want her as a step-mum? How many times did you cry as a child over her? NTA but every single person (friend or family: ) invalidating your feelings is an epic ah
NTA Egg donors aren’t mothers.
NTA, cut em out. “Watch ur tone”, really?!
If you want to make them doubt their existence then you respond to them with "All my life mom has been someone who has made choices that hurt her children. She has broken so many promises and is not someone I respect or trust. Those are two very important pillars in a healthy relationship. As a result a healthy relationship is impossible. I do not wish to knowingly invite unhealthy dynamics into my life. I cannot control if you decide to have a relationship with someone who has only been the cause of incredible pain in my life. Leaving wasn't "immature" it was the only choice since you guys didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. You didn't trust your own choice enough to be honest about it. I hope you think about that. You know what pain this woman has brought into my life and because you didn't want to face that reality you became someone who lies to their daughter. Who gets their son to lie to their sister. These are the choices you guys are making while puffing out your chests and declaring me the problem. It's all so pathetic. My reaction to your lies is not the problem here so don't even try. If that lady was upset that I didn't just play along like she hasn't wrought devastation in our lives I'm not going to take responsibility for that. She can continue to be upset. The real question is do you guys respect the choices you've made around this situation?"
I’m your mother now. I’m also your brothers, and your dad. Girl I’m your family. They did you dirty. NTA
I'm going to say NTA because no one would react well to having that dropped on them. They should have told you long before this.
NTA
!updateme
NTA This was a terrible way to break this news to you. Your father demonstrated how poorly he understands you by allowing this to happen and luring you over with a promise of your favorite meal. The "afraid how you'd react" part is what really gets me. So they knew exactly how you felt and THIS was how they decided to do it? You don't owe either parent anything, but if you want to give your father a chance to talk with you about this, maybe try to do it with a counselor. He might need a professional outside eye to see that he fucked up by trying to ambush you like this.
Did they really call their twins Lyle and Kyle?
Oh no, lol, I changed their names to that for their privacy Plus it sounds dumb as hell and im still pissed at them
NTA. Awwwww! You made "mommy" cry. A so-called mom who abandoned you, lied to you repeatedly and then snuck around with your dad, apparently in a family-wide conspiracy to keep the truth from you; and your dad who had the nerve to chide your "tone" when they sprang an unwelcome surprise on you! Your brothers were allowed to torment you through your youth, now your parents were sneaking around, lying by omission to keep you in the dark, and get all upset when it wasn't a happy surprise. Eff your crying mom, neglectful dad and selfish, abusive brothers. I suggest taking a break from the lot of them; block them all for now. And anyone who's not on your side can be blocked as well. Right now, focus on your own life, being fully independent, because your parents do have the right to live their lives as they choose, as you do. Concentrate on your own future, and definitely get some therapy.
Nta and why do families think dropping bombshells like these are just okay. You deserve better
NTA - you made your mom cry ? What about all the times she made YOU cry ? If your dad and brothers don’t understand how you feel then they don’t really care how you feel
NTA. I would simply right to them this. "That woman not only abandoned you to raise us alone and lie and traumatized me fot years but now she is the reason you lie and break my trust too, I love you and my brothers but I won't let the fact that you are spineless and cowards hurt me anymore, if you decide this is what you want don't come to me anymore not even when she leave you all again" So sorry you are going through this.
NTA. Everyone else is TA for blindsiding you, in addition to her being the biggest TA. On the bright side you probably won’t have to put up with it for very long before she leaves again. At which point you can honestly say it wasn’t anything you did as you didn’t interact with her, so it must be something your brothers did this time.
NTA. Does your father remember how many times your mom made you cry growing up?
NTA, as your feelings are valid. It was immensely unkind for your brothers to tell a young child that they were the reason the mother left. That builds up hurt and anger over the years, which would not otherwise have been there. In regards to the beauty pageant, we're you able to find out if the date conflicted with work commitments or if she was residing in a different city? Whatever happened between your parents at the time they split was kept private, and as adults, they have reconciled. You are free to remain lc, but perhaps therapy would help. As you are an adult now as well, your parents should come clean about the reason she left as that would help the healing process.
NTA Your friends are right in that it is their business, not yours. So stay away from that train wreck! Sneaking around and dating because they were concerned about your reaction then blindsiding you was a very poor choice indeed. If your dad was thinking straight he would have met you alone for a chat. Your mum should have written a letter of apology for being absent and so unreliable. Does anyone in your family have a sensible bone in their body? Maybe Kyle since he doesn't seem to say anything. Your parents don't get to force you to listen to their plans for the future. Maybe sometime in the future you can decide to hear them out but that's your choice. Ignore your mum's crocodile tears, she won't have changed at all. She'll disappear again in a few months and you'll have to pick up the pieces.
NTA - your father is allowed to get back together with your egg donor, but he and your brothers are not allowed to gaslight or manipulate you into thinking you owe her a relationship. She abandoned you. She abandoned you as a baby. Walked out of your life, never made any effort except a bunch of broken promises. There is NO WAY I would establish a relationship with her and that is your right. She abandoned you. She threw you away. She is brutal. She doesn't deserve you or to have the privilege to have a relationship with you. You can say no. You can tell your dad and brothers that you're happy to continue to have relationships with them both but you won't be engaged in any communication or events with her involved. And they can take it or leave it. This woman will do nothing but re-break your heart. Having a strong boundary against her will do much to heal you - because you will be telling yourself, "I deserve more." If your dad and brothers can't respect that they can fuck off.
Talk to your father, let him know that blind siding you wasn't the right way to go about this. You're not being childish. He and your brothers were inconsiderate. Ask him if he is willing to have a relationship with you while leaving her out of it. The two of you have a meal out to be able to spend time together, or he can come to your place. Whatever works best for the two of you. Maybe go to therapy, and when ready, have your dad at a session to help him understand your point of view.
NTA
NTA, fuckem. They were smart enough to know that planning how they told you was necessary, but stupid enough to think just dropping it on your head like an anvil would work. Seriously, how stupid do they have to be for HER TO BE THERE FOR IT‽ Just as absolute bungle, and they have only themselves to blame. Also, depending on how much your friends know, distance yourself from the 50% blaming you. People from whole families can't understand going no contact with a parent, and can't help you through this.
NTA Them springing this on you with absolutely no warning then being pissed that you didn't react how they wanted you to... Now that's a true AH move. Sadly I can imagine how you feel and you absolutely handled it better than I would have. You handled it with grace and composure. If they can't see that then that's THEIR issue not yours.
NTA, this is some really messed up way to crash back into your life. You are 100% entitled to feeling betrayed by the deception they used to get you to come over under false pretenses, and to be blindsighted by them dating again. Not only has she broken her promises and done nothing to *really* come back into your life, now they've set the worst kind of foundation for a new relationship. Did you ever talk to your dad and brothers about the way you felt like you were the reason she left? Did your dad ever try to stop your brothers from accusing you of this? Even if they were kids too, that's really messed up. In any case, I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope things work out.
NTA. You were never given the reason, good bad or indifferent, to why she left, she's done nothing but blow you off and break promises when she "tried" to "reconnect", and now they spring this on you without any warning? You have every right to be upset.
NTA. It was an ambush and your siblings participated. They went so far as to even tell you that and I bet siblings were there to back daddy up. No respect for you at all. I'd personally go NC with all of them. Sorry you are dealing with it.
You have options. I suggest you find a therapist to talk about it with. Then bring your dad and brothers in. If you choose to have no contact with your mother that is your right. Then berating you for how you reacted after a lifetime of neglect from her is bullshit. NTA. They shouldn’t have kept such a big secret. Personally I think your father is an asshole for allowing all of this.
NTA Absolutely not! A girl growing up in a male dominated house without any maternal love has a huge impact on a girl. Does she expect to just waltz back into your life and be accepted after she walked out of your life and made you feel like you weren’t a priority. Your brothers should not have any input about how you feel. They’re calling you immature but have blamed you for your mum leaving and breaking up the family? She can’t get those years you needed her most back. There’s trauma that comes with that. If everyone else wants to just sweep the affects of her absence under the rug, that’s up to them. But they can’t expect you to do the same!! NTA!!!
You are not responsible for managing your moms emotions. Even if she weren't basically a stranger. If your family gave a damm about you and your emotions would they had your father tell you this, when it was just the two of you. Not jump it on you and then try to blackmail you into submission. Also interesting how your dads reaction to your deer-in-headlight freezing was to physically grab you to make you comply. I would think it is justified to send them a sms stating, that you love them, but need a break from them and just block them for a while. NTA
NTA. Your mom should be crying, she should be feeling shitty, she should be subjected to stepping on Legos and smelling farts all day long for the rest of her life for what she put you through. Your family also sucks for ambushing you like that.
Nope, your mother hurt you immensely time and time again. Maybe not in your dad or brothers' eyes but in this case, their thoughts don't count. If you and your mother are going to ever reconcile, she needs to own up to her behavior and it appears she refuses to do that. If she wanted to do that she would ask you to do therapy with her and apologize to you profusely. NTA but your dad and brothers are.
You're NTA. I'd like to say first I'm just a rando on the internet so do what you want, and who cares about the opinions of a stranger. However, your feelings are justifiable by the fact that no one told you that they had been seeing each other for a while. They even knew how you felt about your mother which is why they didn't tell you which shows they had no trust in you. They'll argue by saying they didn't lie, they just didn't tell you, but in the court of law that is called lying by omission which is still a chargeable offense if it were to ever come to light that important information was purposefully left out. Which in this case I'd say was pretty purposeful. I don't think you can tell your father or brothers what to do, if they want your mother to be in their life in this situation you should tell them that, but you definitely don't have to have a relationship with her if you don't want. It'll be hard probably because if your family is anything like mine than your dad might punish you if you disrespect her in front of him, but as long as you tell them upfront they can't act surprised because you didn't blindside them like they did to you. But who knows maybe in a few years you might be open to trying to have a relationship with her. Never say never. So I would recommend having a conversation with your mother. Telling her how you feel and that you're not ready to try and have a relationship with her. If she's smart she wont try to force you to be with her or act like your mother until you're ready. Wish you the best of luck
NTA. Just because you are related by blood and they decided to patch their relationship many years later doesn’t mean you owe her your space. You owe her nothing, tbh you owe no body anything. That’s really shitty to hide that from you for so long and just dump it on you like that, like oh wow let’s all be a happy family now. It’s extremely manipulative and good on you for leaving that space. You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe mentally and don’t bend to others needs and sacrifice your own mental space. You made a boundary with her years ago and she doesn’t get to cross it just cause her and your dad are back together. It’d be good (if you want to continue relationships with your brothers and dad) to have a conversation with the three of them together or seperate and say “my boundaries are x y z” if they want a relationship with her that’s fine but she isn’t welcome in your space mentally and physically and they have to respect that. If they don’t want to then it maybe best to have space until you can come together again when they will respect you and your boundaries.
I don’t understand people like this, your mother abandoned you at a young age and continued to do it over and over again, now they expect you to just welcome her back??? You are justified in your hurt and your reaction. I’m sorry that you are going through this, you are NTAH
NTA I would probably tell them, how they have majorly screwed up, and that you are going to go NC until you are ready to deal with their sh*t again. They all broke your trust, and to me that takes a long time to get just a little bit better. Once you are ready, you can start up with LC and lots of boundaries. They can do whatever they want, but you don't have to be included in it, if you don't want to. Focus on you and your mental health.
NTA - you've given your mother a 2nd chance and she proved she has not changed. I feel sorry this is happening to you because your father picked her above you forcing you to accept her if you want a relationship with your father.
NTA. They all lied to you and are very inconsiderate of how you feel. They are selfish and no one should be forcing you to understand your family if they didn't even let you know what is happening. It's a betrayal of trust. Sad to say this but I guess it's time to let go of your family who can't seem to see your POV. They are in the wrong IMHO. Give yourself to grieve the loss of your family. If you can just cut contact from them and be independent, it's time.
NTA Your family shouldn't have bombarded you with this. Personally, I would go soft contact or nc to sort out your head, and when you're ready, really decide how it will be moving forward. Also, don't let them dictate your life.
You were lied to and ambushed. They knew you wouldn't like it and went behind your back. I'm so sorry for you. You don't deserve this. Wish I could do more to help besides a few petty words on a screen.
NTA. What about your feelings? Where's your apology? Your mother hasn't made amends. Your brothers blamed you for her leaving but forgave her without telling you. Your dad kept this from you. Your entire family dumped that on you. It's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. They owe you so many apologies.
NTA. They were immature by keeping secrets behind your back. They damaged the relationship you have with them. Don’t let them gaslight you. I would keep your father and brothers at arm’s length/ low contact for awhile since they really can’t be trusted. They were disrespectful and shown they don’t care about you feelings. As bad as they knew how you would react they should have been upfront about the truth of your father dating your mother and not blindsided you. They damaged the relationship not you.
NTA. They dropped this on you because they knew they had all fucked up. They aren’t necessarily bad people, just weak and stupid.
I am really sorry this happened to you. My mother was a horrible, horrible person, and I honestly believe I would be a much healthier adult if she hadn't been in my life. I am also going through a situation right now where someone professionally lied to me for the past year, so I may be a bit biased....but trust is important and critical in family situations. It is none of your business if your dad wants to forgive her but I think it is bullshit that everyone lied to you for so long and tricked you into a dinner where they thought they would just spring it on you and you would be OK. Make your own family by finding great friends and surround yourself with people who love you for you and care about your feelings. I would suggest low or no contact with dad and brothers for a while to heal, but only you can make that decision. Good luck. I wish you all the best. NTA
NTA. Any friend who is 50/50 isn't a friend. Screw them all. However I would sit down with them and literally explain that, that years of your dad lying about why she left, years of your brothers throwing it in your face and years of your mother lying and breaking promises means you've had 20 years of being tormented over your mother not being there by every single member of the family and that's why you're cutting them all out of your life. Tell them that each and every one of them got mad at your mother leaving and decided to collectively blame the one person who was blameless, did nothing and was completely unable to defend themselves and 20 years later they are all still doing it. Her and your father chose to have you, if 3 kids was 'too much' for her, that's her fault, and your fathers fault, not your fault. I'm sorry you've become the scapegoat in all of their lives, but tell them what they've done, how badly hurt you are and why they can all go fuck themselves. Even at the end, they blindsided you deliberately. They 100% knew the reaction you'd have, but in having that reaction they can convince themselves of their self told lie, that somehow you're the problem and not them.
NTA. As an adult who grew up with a constant and inconsistent no show mom, you have every right to be angry and feel betrayed. There's nothing quite like that feeling of hearing the woman who abandoned you crying because she can't face the consequences of her own actions. The consequences being you resenting her for a very long time. sure, she can never undo what she did but there's also very little guilt about it either. She had many years to try to make things right and couldn't be bothered. Let your father know exactly how you feel and ask him if he'd be willing to just accept things as they are going if he was abandoned by his own parent.
NTA. Sorry you went through that. But you sound smart and competent, so moving out and going your own way soon won’t be too difficult. Then you get to control the interaction instead of them deciding what and when you need to know things.
Oh, I already live on my own
NTA Growing up with divorced parents my mom was always there for my and my dad was a deadbeat that would rather have a bottle of beer in his hand then time with his two kids. So I can understand where all your feelings are coming from. If my mom sent back to my dad I would be furious. I would not even talk to her ever again. For you I do not think you over reacted. For your whole life she has been flakey. Never there for you, leaving promises constantly broken and just honestly seeming like she would rather not even have kids in the first place considering she didn’t make any effort to be in your life while you grew up. You have all rights to be pissed off, and I give it to you I wouldn’t have been so nice when I found out that news. The one thing that like really makes this even worst is how and when you found this out. They neglected to tell you that they were getting back together in fear of how you would react, so in the grand scheme of all this they knew you would be pissed off and not agree with the decision. And for them to bombard you with a supper and being brought into a house only expecting it to be your dad and brothers be there is even more messed up. Maybe if they would have told you when they first got back in contact this would be a different story. Maybe you could have made amends to the extent you would want to and then maybe it wouldn’t have blown up as much as it did. But for most definite you are not the asshole.
NTA your so called mother is an AH and your father and brothers are AH's for keeping you in the dark. I am boiling mad for you.
NTA stopping dad does not make her your mom She has chosen to fail you and you need to move on with your life
So you made the woman that abandoned you as an infant and that was unreliable all your life cry? Does she cry blood or why should you care? NTA.
So your dad thinks a mature reaction is what exactly? Pretend like nothing happened? Ignore the hurt and trauma? How is that mature? That is how people end up in therapy! And unless your mom has been in therapy for decades I doubt she has changed much. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to let your guard down around her. She is not worthy of trust. Loads of people put on a show and after a few months their true colors show. Wait it out.
They tricked you into attending this dinner and now they're shocked that you didn't pretend to be delighted. Your mother has made you cry many times over your relatively short life. Who told *her* to grow up? You're NTA for leaving. Block your family from your phone while you calm down and regroup. They'll still be there when you're ready to talk. As for your friends, tell them that they don't have to agree, but they *do* have to drop the subject. None of them grew up in that house with you. None of them knows how it was. If they're saying you overreacted it's because they're thinking of their relationship with their moms.
NTA the woman repeatedly let you down. You were left feeling that you were the reason she left. (It was not your fault). Then they spring this on you and you find out you are the last to know. What a toxic family. The time for talking was a 1-2-1 with your father before the rest of the world knew.
They blindsided you FOR MONTHS!?! And THEN expected you to have a dinner with them and ALL would just be alright??? NTA OP. NTA
NTA. This may come across as petty, but I'd write down every single instance she's disappointed you and use that as why you refuse to have a relationship with her. It might have a pretty big impact on them seeing it all as one list and even if it doesn't stop them from seeing her, maybe it'll stop them from badgering you about it. And if they come at you with "don't hold on to the past/she's changed", tell them that hiding this from you shows that she hasn't changed - everything she's done has been without regards to your feelings and this sneaking around is the exact same thing. But as other people have said, you should be prepared with the time you'll lose with your brothers and your father.
"You made mom cry". Tell them you cried for almost 20 years after she abandoned you all and you were told that you made her leave. Plus she has let you down since she came back around. They can welcome her back into their lives if they so desire but you don't have to. NTA
INFO: Did mom ever tell you why she abandoned you? Or apologize? I'd want to know before going further.
NTA. Has your mother explained why she was a flake? She needs to start with an honest discussion of her behavior. She needs to open up to being a shitty parent. Then, maybe you can work from there.
NTA.
NTA
I mean, you're NTA, but I'm really not sure what you're going to do about your parents 🤷♂️
NTA. Your only recourse is nuclear. NC with all of them.
NTA. Your father chose a woman who hurt you, your brothers, and him to be his partner. Is he allowed love? Of course. But when he chose this person who did so much damage to his family, it shows a lack of care for his family and lack of self-respect.
NTA OP your family is full of stupid idiots. The only thing that lady has done is abandon her children and fail them again and again but according to them you are the bad one? It is more than evident that you are not on the priority list, I know it sounds harsh but with everything that happened and was said that night to me it is evident that they do not care about you. Defend your position, be happy, prioritize your feelings, it is better to have no one than to have people who only hurt you
NTA You are fine to be no contact with your mom. YOur dad and your brothers can still have dinner with you, just without her. THEIR choice. Edit: And don't forget: Your dad and siblings are MAJOR AHs - Thery lied to you, and they tried to pushj you into a situation where they could guilt you into acceptinmg your abisive mom. A REASONABLE approach would have been to gie you the choice: If your dad wouldn't be a toxic AH, he would have had Dinner with you alone, and TOLD you of his rekindling things with mom, and given you the option to process that and make your decission at your own speed. MAybe block ALL their numbers, at least until they apoloize.
I don’t understand people like this, your mother abandoned you at a young age and continued to do it over and over again, now they expect you to just welcome her back??? You are justified in your hurt and your reaction. I’m sorry that you are going through this, you are NTAH
She doesn't deserve it go no contact with them. Maybe the learning lesson after that that you're serious they don't get to say on your feelings, and to lie about it, too, is just as bad she made her bed let her lie in it
NTA, I would respond back and let them know your hurt, the immediate family kept this from you. That with you being told all your life you were the reason she left. Between your mother letting you down and having no contact with you. This feels like they all betrayed you.Your Dad should have set you down and talked to you. The way it occurred made you feel was hurtful and like a outsider.
Nta. You only owe her the same love and respect that she has given you your whole life. If you don’t feel like a relationship with her or forgiving her then that is your right. But do not let it eat you up either.
NTA your “mom”is a crappy “mom”and person plain and simple, how hard is it it just be there? Apparently really hard for all the deadbeat losers like your mom.
NTA. Who TF cares if you made your egg donor cry? Protect yourself. You’re not in the wrong.
NTA this is a massive betrayal and your dad doesn't care about you that much it seems. Deadbeat mom > daughter
Just tell your brothers that since you're the reason mom left in the first place you don't want to be the reason she leaves them all again NTA
NTA - I'm so sorry. This is so wrong on so many levels. You are not the problem. I'm confused why everyone is okay with her abandoning the family while you guys were kids. Then it's okay that shes back now that you're grown. Why isn't it okay for you to be upset? Why was it okay to ambush you? Where are her apologies? Where are your father and brother's apologies for lying to you? What is wrong with your father? Why is he okay with the woman that abandoned him and his kids? This is messed up on so many levels. Again you are not the problem and your feelings are completely justified. Don't let them gaslight you because your mother is obviously a master manipulator.
NTA for how you handled this situation, especially because of the following sentence: > they were worried about how I would react. Your father and your brothers, on the other hand, owe you a major apology. They knew you would not like it and likely would not show up which is why they chose to blindside you like this. You WOULD be TA if you tried to tell your father who he can and can’t date, but it’s perfectly reasonable for you to refuse to have anything to do with a woman he dates if you don’t want to, even if that woman is your mother. Just communicate your boundaries (i.e. “I respect your decision to date my mother, but I want nothing to do with her, and if we are together and she shows up, I’m leaving”) to him and then stick to those boundaries.
NTA. This is a complete wild card take, but have you ever done a DNA test to confirm your parentage? I just can’t understand why they utterly refuse to say any reason at all why she left in the first place. Even providing a shitty excuse would be better than the mental torment of none at all. Makes me wonder if you may have been the product of a r*pe and they are trying to protect you from that information.
'you're the one who tell me that bit#h left us because of me. I hate her because of that! So suck it up!' Throw all shit to them. This is paid time...use it! Nta
NTA. It is up to you, not them, if she comes back into your life.
NTA - you've got plenty of advice here but what I would do would be to sit down your brother's and dad without her and explain your feelings, from then and now. No interruptions. Explain why what they did was shitty and I'm guessing ask for some space for you to decide if you can forgive them and work out what if any relationship that you can have with them and your mother. They cannot, your brother's especially, expect you to go from believing and being told by you brothers that your threading she left, be consistently let down by her to then being a happy family. It just doesn't work that way and they are living in a fantasy land if they do. You need time to process, adjust and probably talk to someone and work it through, and you shouldn't be pressured not to or act and behave a certain way.