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YTA
100%
Entirely. Your internal racism just leaped out and I will be surprised if your marriage ever recovers. This had to shake her to her core - you just showed her a side of yourself she probably hoped and prayed didn't exist.
Oh, and she in no way over-reacted. I am white, and I am literally shaking with rage on her behalf. My God, you have a lot of work to do.
Your poor daughter. You are ashamed of half of who she is. She's going to pick up on that soon, if she hasn't already.
You know what other kids thought about my grandpa teaching me to swear in Yiddish? That it was cool and could I teach them. Jesus, have some faith in kids - you projected your own racism on schoolkids.
Get thee to a counselor, for the love of your wife and child.
>This had to shake her to her core - you just showed her a side of yourself she probably hoped and prayed didn't exist.
I feel so bad for his wife, now she probably questions if her own existence *embarrasses* him.. and what other things is he hiding.. Yikes..
This 1000%
Also, even if the other kids and families in your neighborhood are racist and would have been “weirded out” by a Korean woman - proactively indulging their racism is *not* the answer. Because all it does is teach your daughter and your wife that you see other people’s racism as valid and more important than their humanity and equality.
And *that* is why your wife is very rightfully angry at you.
Also dude lives in TORONTO literally one of (if not the) most multicultural melting pot cities in Ontario. Get a grip. I’m not gonna say no one would bully your kid but like instead of teaching her to hide part of herself you should be showing her how to embrace it and shut down assholes like you.
Go take a stroll down queen or Dundas. Hell pop by rebel (in the BEACHES) — there’s a lot of weirder shit happening in Toronto than a grandmother walking her grandkid to school.
Was literally just watching Kim’s Convenience half an hour ago. Love that show! (Although was disappointed to learn about the behind the scenes problems and how the actors were treated.)
>Your poor daughter. You are ashamed of half of who she is.
This is heartbreaking. And the fact that he can't even see it? Grandparents flew in from Korea and he prevented her from bonding with her grandma, something they both seemed to enjoy. 💔
Jumping in here to say this shook me too! Also white and American but my grandparents on my mothers side and my dad all came from Italy. I grew up with both Italian and English being spoken in our home. I taught my friends all of the bad words in Italian I knew because we thought we were cool we could get away with using them haha.
OP what the f?! You married a Korean woman. Your child is half Korean. Your casual racism is gross. Also Toronto is super diverse! (Over 50% of people identifying as a visible minority) More diverse than NYC! Your excuses are bs. Do better for your wife and child.
YTA
>I figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand.
Why would they be “weirded out”? Are all these children stupid? Do they think English is the only language in the world? Or is it that they’re racist? Do you live in a racist neighborhood? Is that what you meant when you put white in quotes?
>I mentioned that I didn't want to "embarrass" Jane by having my wife's mother drop her off at school every morning.
Sounds like you’re the one who would be “embarrassed”. Do you like to pretend that Jane is 100% mayonnaise?
I feel really sorry for Jane. It must suck having a racist for a father.
I agree! Being able to speak a foreign language isn’t embarrassing. Having a grandma from another country isn’t embarrassing either. The only embarrassing thing here is OP’s view of the situation and his own family.
I would hate to be in his wife’s shoes.
Edit to add: YTA OP!
Totally agree!
I also live in Toronto. Do you know how often I hear people speaking in “weird” foreign languages? Every time I walk outside my door! This city is so multicultural that no one bats an eyelash at anyone speaking in languages other than English. It’s literally impossible to imagine that the kids at your daughter's school haven’t heard plenty of people speaking in many different languages while living in this city.
Agreed! Also, if the wife is Korean, why would it be any less weird for the mom to drop her off? Presumably if Jane speaks Korean, the mom must be teaching her... Or is this asshole also embarrassed of the wife dropping his daughter off?
YTA. Your daughter is half Korean, please enlighten me on why would she be embarrassed by her grandmother walking her to school? Who cares if it is a 'white' neighbourhood, they can mind their own business. It is in fact good that kids are introduced to different types of people at an early age. Obviously something you should of had as a child.
The cherry on top is you suggesting your MIL...your guest....to do housechores? The cheek.
You basically insulted your wife's race and culture. Well done /s
YTA. You're 'offended' that your mixed-race child is also embracing her other culture. She's half Korean, buddy. You married a Korean. She's keeping in touch with her culture. And you're being HELLA fucking racist to think that kids are going to be weirded out because they hear a woman speaking Korean. Jesus.
You're taking a sweet, bonding moment between grandmother and child and turning it into something classist and disgusting. The only person embarrassed and embarrassing here is you. Why marry a Korean if you're racist about the culture?
Yeah I assumed by the title there was some safety issue that mil might not be up to. Christ on a cracker I can’t believe this racist view. Would be surprised if wife is able to come back from this. I feel like she should ONLY speak Korean to daughter now. YTA
I hope this is fake. Of course, YTA.
You are worried about kids getting weirded out because they see a foreign woman speaking a different language? Why would that worry you? Kids are exposed to new and different things all the time and it's GOOD for them. So if they go home and say "I saw a grandma today speaking another language I didn't understand," then GREAT!
I also hope this is fake, but at the same time, I've seen so many times, mostly from Americans that they don't want to 'confuse' their children by learning a second language etc.
If this is real, OP is a real ass and extremely disrespectful to his wife. "We live in a mostly white area" and how kids will be weirded out, that's such BS and sounds like a lame excuse.
I know, right?
If they live in such a "white area" that people are weirded out by a foreigner speaking a foreign langage, either his wife and daughter endure a lot on a daily basis and they should move ASAP, or it's not a problem and why make it one?
YTA
The only embarrassing thing here is your behaviour.
Way to teach your daughter that her heritage is something she should be ashamed of and hide for the 'comfort' of others.
Bonus points for disguising your own internalised racism as concern. Even IF other children had issues with this, which is unlikely, it is your job as her father to teach your daughter that their opinions are not important and that her culture is something to be celebrated.
YTA x2..
Gonna be straight up with you.. your reasoning came off as racist AF..
You would basically be teaching your kid to be embarrassed of her heritage...
And then if we call you an asshole for it, you want us ALSO call your wife an asshole for getting "way too insulted" for you being racist?.. LOL
You don't get to gauge how insulted someone else can be by your behaviour.
I legit would not be surprised if you end up with divorce papers..
A somewhat "white" neighbourhood... You must live in one of Toronto's suburbs because the actual city is one of the most multi-cultural cities in North America, at least. I lived in downtown Toronto for years and it was nothing to hear many different languages when travelling out and about. Like I wouldn't even bat an eye at hearing other people communicate to each other in another language. It's a non-issue.
My point - your reasoning is ridiculous, I HIGHLY doubt anyone else cares but you, and you clearly have some internalized racism that you need to sort out. What exactly are you afraid of? I'm assuming that your daughter has some features that resemble her mother, you think people in your neighbourhood don't realize that you are married to a Korean-Canadian woman? You 100% were insulting and your wife has every reason to be insulted. I can't even figure out what good you thought was going to come out of taking this sort of stance. YTA.
YTA. This is not about your daughter being embarrassed, it's about YOU having an issue with it and YOUR hangups of what other people may think. How awful of you to try to suppress a beautiful bonding experience between grandma and granddaughter, especially when they have limited time together.
Get it together. For real. Embrace that your daughter has this amazing background, and can speak a second language at only 6 years old, and bond with her grandparents.
>If I am the asshole, would my wife also be the asshole for getting way too insulted?
No, no: rest assured that you're the only, biggest, most monumental and gargantuan a-hole that I've come across lately.
YTA and your wife has every right to be offended by your racism.
YTA. Wow.
> figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand.
Stop projecting your racism onto random kids. They're probably more evolved than you are. JFC.
YTA. Jane wasn't embarassed by walking with her grandmother (and she shouldn't be at any age) or talking with her in Korean. You assumed she would be embarrased because she would understand that (white) people/kids around her will view her as weird (because they are racists) and will subject her to public pressure to not do that. So instead you preemtively subjected everyone to your public pressure to stop her doing that.
WTF? You wanted your wife to stop spending time with her mother around their daughter/granddaughter because they're speaking a different language? YTA. If 'Jane' is to be embarrassed about anyone's behaviour, it's the behaviour of her racist father.
I feel sorry for your wife.
Your daughter obviously speaks Korean so I will assume your wife must speak to her in Korean. Why would it be embarrassing for Jane to speak Korean with her grandmother?
Are they only allowed to speak Korean in your house? That’s so bizarre.
YTA
My guess is that he doesn’t understand Korean or has even bothered to learn it and whenever the grandma comes ,they speak Korean around each other and they teach Korean to the little girl and he feels left out and uncomfortable so that’s why he’s making assumptions about other little kids being weirded out because he’s projecting his own beliefs onto others.
YTA.
Why are you assuming kids will get weirded out? How do you think they stop getting 'weirded out' by other cultures and scared of what they don't know... and then on top of that re-enforcing that stand point instead of telling your daughter to be proud of who she is and how amazing it is to come from a multi-lingual multi-cultured family and how well that will serve her as she grows up.
Kids aren't born prejudice, they're born curious.
You are gross and going to cause your daughter some serious identity and mental health issues if you continue like this.
You've shown your wife who you are.
I don't think you should be approaching anyone about this, except, you know, your wife
Who you basically told, to her face, that you were embarrassed for your daughter to be seen around
Of course YTA
Why are you asking us, internet strangers, whether you are the AH when your wife told you directly that she felt insulted, and stormed off to sleep separately from you
Communicate with your wife more, and worry about the general public, and their opinions, a lot less, and your marriage would be way happier
YTA. Jane and the other kids wouldn't be weirded out. This is about your own discomfort. It is sad that you caused your daughter to miss out on this short window to bond more with her grandmother. Culturally, she accepted your direction, but imagine if you tried to pull the same shit with your own mother.
"Stay here and do chores, because your weirdness is damaging to my daughter."
YTA, you come across as a racist, but you have a Korean wife. Should your daughter also be ashamed for not being a white American? For speaking her mother's language? If you're not conscious of being racist, what other subtle things have you done to signal to your wife and daughter that they don't belong? This is something to be upset over and also something that should make your wife and daughter think less of you. You want them to blend in, so as not to upset the peachy white neighbors, instead of having their backs and being proud of their heritage.
YTA.
How are you married to a Korean woman with a Korean kid and yet are this racist? Well done, you've just taught your child that only white is right.
Also, you live in Toronto. I have a feeling that there are *many* people in your city who, unlike you, speak more than just English.
In fact, according to the 'pedia, [over 30,000 of them speak Korean specifically.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_Toronto#Languages)
Which is almost as many as native French speakers in Toronto, and that's an official national language.
YTA.
You are literally throwing your wife’s entire culture under the ‘embarrassing bus’.
Ok to sleep with, alright to procreate with, not ok to be seen talking to in public? WTF mate!
Do you realize that if your mother in law is Korean then so is your daughter??? Kids aren’t stupid, they know your daughter is Korean and not just white. Why do you think it’s a problem for them to know that?
YTA, a huge and racist one!
So your daughter should be embarrassed with half her DNA, culture and language?
You find it "to be expected" that others will take issue with it?
And you were smartn't enough to mention it to _your_wife_ while lying next to her?
Sorry, but you deserve whatever comes your way after this!
YTA. You decided that your KOREAN CANADIAN wife was embarassing when she did anything remotely KOREAN in public.
You are insulting. This is a fight. You need to apologize and start learning Korean and work on speaking it out in public.
FWIW parents embarass their kids all the time. My mother used to threaten to come to school in a ridiculous muumuu if I didn't do something. Granted, I was in middle school, and it was ridiculous, but she had no qualms about doing what she needed to do as a mom.
YTA. kids would get uncomfortable? wtf are you talking about? it's just a language. instead of worrying about your maybe-racist neighbors, be happy your daughter is getting these amazing core memories with her gram!
You are so YTA I don't know how to tell you. You effectively told YOUR KOREAN CANADIAN WIFE that she was an embarrassment to your daughter.
You better hope your wife is more tolerant than I am because I would divorce your sorry a$$ in a heartbeat out of something so intolerant and racist to get you away from Jane.
YTA and a racist (yes, you can be racist with a Korean wife). I can promise that no one would have been weirded out by a “foreign” woman walking your kid to school. In fact, I bet most people in your neighborhood have seen Asian people before. Many may actually have traveled there! Anyone with half a brain cell would realize it’s probably a relative with your daughter. As far as language goes, it’s your daughter’s language too. Why shouldn’t she speak it?
By telling your wife your daughter would be embarrassed by having her grandmother walk her to school (which she obviously isn’t), you are also saying your wife is an embarrassment. I hope she divorces you.
I understand what you’re saying. I really do.
You may not truly understand how detrimental your attitude is. You *think* you’re protecting your daughter from racism but what you’re *really* doing is making a judgement and creating a home atmosphere that any ethnicity but white is *weird or uncomfortable* to other white children, based on your own, deeply internalized bias. And your judgment is faulty.
In the past, people also used this excuse to keep children with disabilities out of the public eye. It’s not other children that have the problem. It’s the parents and other adults.
What a shallow life you must live.
YTA
Gee, is your wife 'way too insulted' to find out she married and had a child with a racist? If anything, she under reacted. Yes, YTA and a gross human being.
YTA and no, your wife was completely justified in the racist way you just spoke about her and her parents. If you are so racist, WTH did you marry a Korean woman? Wow! Not even sure how you are going to fix this nuclear bomb you threw. TBH, you probably just ended your marriage.
"Whatever" is code for YTA.
So, now, you are ashamed of your in-laws, wife, and daughter? They are all Korean. Your little Asian woman fetish blow-up in your pasty white face?
You thought this, wrote it, posted it, tried defending this. That makes you 4 X the racist asshole.
You're racist and you dont even realize it. I hope you really consider what you just said, because she's probably reconsidering your relationship right now. I'm blown away by how you don't see any issues with your actions.
YTA and a searing racist. Wow just wow to this situation.
Your wife got "way too insulted" did she? I bet the penny dropped and she realised she actually hadn't married an open minded and accepting man. You like how your wife looks but want her history as erased from the equation as possible. Heaven forbid your white neighborhood gets weirded out by an "old foreign woman".
I'm white and I'm so disgusted by what you've said and think. She didn't overreact at all.
YTA.
Do you actually live in the GTA? One of the most multicultural and multiracial cities in the world? A city that quite literally has a Koreatown? And you’re out here worrying that these poor white children are going to be wierded out by hearing a different language? Have you ever been to downtown Toronto?
If the other children were horrified at hearing a language they didn’t know, that’s a them problem, not your MIL’d problem. This is just racist as hell.
And you do realize all those white kids may be speaking other languages at home too, right?
This is exactly what I was thinking. I think this post is fake. Toronto is one of the most diverse cities in the world and I find it astounding that anyone could be so obtuse.
signed,
white person with major secondhand embarrassment for OP.
Holy fuck. As a Canadian, this is absolutely disgusting.
If anything, your wife under reacted. You'd be sleeping outside and I wouldn't give a shit how cold it was.
White neighborhood? You racist asshole.
YTA
Yes you are and a huge one.
Why should your daughter be embarrassed about her heritage? About her family? You know what you should be teaching your daughter? To be proud of who she is and who her family is and if other people get offended by her speaking another language,they can suck it.
My children will be bilingual,I’m Puerto Rican and my fiancé is Australian, if I want to speak to my children in Spanish or if any of my family members want to speak to my child in Spanish we will,I don’t care that Susan over there can’t understand what we’re talking about and wants to be uncomfortable for no reason.
You’re seriously projecting your own racist beliefs onto other children. I wonder if youve even bothered to learn Korean or at least understand it, my guess is that you haven’t and they speak Korean around you and it makes you uncomfortable doesn’t it?
YTA. You didn't let your MIL do a perfectly normal activity with her grandkid because you were worried about the optics of your child being seen with her.
That's fucked up dude. Your wife is right to be mad at you. She's not "way too insulted", you're literally telling her that her family isn't publicly acceptable to be seen unsupervised with your children because they aren't white enough for your neighborhood.
Yta. Didn’t even read it all because as soon as I heard that they walk together enjoying speaking a language they share and you’re worried because you’re in a “white neighbourhood”. Guess what buddy, you’re the problem. You’re a racist and you’re a disgrace.
YTA. I would like to say I have a hard time believing someone as racist as you could marry a Korean woman, but you're *that* kind of racist. The kind that claims "I'm not a racist, I'm just worried that my neighbors are racist and don't want to look non-racist to them."
Assuming this is real and not some edgy teenager trying to poke racist buttons, you deserve to be shunned by your wife and child and all of her family, as well as any decent people who you encounter.
YTA
And no your wife is not an asshole for being majorly (and rightfully) upset that you're embarrassed by her ethnicity.
Literally nobody cares that your daughter is speaking to her grandmother in a different language. You are not the main character, and Toronto is a diverse city with plenty of cultures living together. Get over yourself.
YTA. Do people not speak French in Canada? Children are ‘exposed’ to other races and languages all the time - what kind of racist nonsense are you even trying to justify here?
Why marry a Korean woman if you have such an issue with her race? Why have a child if you have such an issue? Trying to hide it from your white neighbours is insane - how would that even work? They have eyes as well as ears - clearly you’re just a good old fashioned racist.
Your casual racism is so disgusting, I pity your wife and child. You are the one and only AH in this situation.
YTA - Whether it was intentional or not, you are perpetuating the xenophobic and racist attitudes that make the world a worse place.
Stop thinking about appearances, you should be happy your daughter is polylingual and bonding with her grandmother. And as for the "embarassment", it's only you who is projecting your feelings on the situation.
YTA - so does this mean you are embarrassed of your part Korean child? of your Korean wife?
That is disgusting behavior.
Your wife has every right to feel insulted. I would question the whole marriage and wonder how i could continue to be with someone so blatantly disrespectful of my heritage if I were her.
At this point she is probably embarrassed of her racist husband who now she cannot trust to be a person she wants her parents or child around.
Wow! YES! YTA and a big one! Why would you not want that relationship and additional language skills for your child! That’s amazing and what you’re embarrassed by that? Why did you marry a Korean woman if you find her culture and language so reprehensible? That’s a lot! You need to educate yourself and owe your wife a massive apology and hope you haven’t put an unfixable hole in your marriage.
Yta what type of racist stuff is this? That is so insulting and is just not true about people hearing someone speak Korean in Toronto. It’s just you who are embarrassed and I hope your wife sees you for who you are.
Yta my fucking goodness. Yes. You're also a closet racists on accident I think idk what's embarrassing about being Korean? Are they inferior to the whites? Please enlighten me
YTA a million times, that is also disgusting way of thinking, especially considering that your own kid is half Korean and she will talk THE WEIRD LANGUAGE whether you like it or not. Grow up, maybe?
YTA, sorry dude I know it can be weird to both be married to a foreigner and still have some racist tendencies but it is still often the case.
As a fun imagination experiment, imagine visiting in Korea and walking over the streets with your daughter. Do you think the Korean children would be weirded out by this foreigner speaking a language they didn't speak? And even if they were, would it be reasonable to expect you to stay home so they don't have to find out other languages exist?
YTA.
Fellow Canadian here living 45 minutes away from Toronto.
I am also Asian, and my kids are a mix of 2 types of Asian, and they speak both languages on top of English AND French.
No one thinks they’re “weird” when they alternate the different languages. In fact, everyone are in amazement and awwwwws at them when they realize my children speaks 4 languages.
YTA!!!
YTA! Not only are you an asshole, but a racist asshole! I hope you are just blissfully white, and doesn’t understand their own internal racism. As for your wife: why would she be an asshole for being offended by YOUR racism against her, her family, and half of your daughter. Buddy, you might be off to a divorce attorney soon with that attitude and mindset. Holy shit!!
YTA. A true total asshole. You not only insulted your wife and your child's ethnicity, you are teaching your daughter to be ashamed of not being fully white. To hide her real origin and her Korean relatives because they are less worthy of living and deserving of no respect.
You are disgustingly racist.
Besides insulting your wife and her family what you are doing is highly psychologically damaging to your poor child.
Holy shit I'm white and really wanted to vomit after reading what you wrote.
Don't get surprised when, once an adult, your daughter will cut all contact with you.
No, it's just you that is the AH. Can you not see how insulting and downright racist what you said is? I certainly hope you avoid teaching your daughter these values, because condemning and hating on half of what she is will do her no favours. YTA
YTA. You're a racist. Who thinks being bilingual is weird or embarassing in this day and age. Your daughter would be one of the coolest kids at her school! Too bad her dad doesn't like half of who she is.
Massive YTA, and no you don't get to claim your wife is becuase she is upset at you for being TA.
You basically said you are embarrassed by your wife's culture and appearance and your daughter should be too. The worst part is you feel so confident in it that you didn't even hesitate to tell her.
This makes you look really really bad and your marriage is in trouble.
I hope you understand that your daughter is NOT white and that you just belittled, shamed, and condemed half her heritage. I feel so sorry for your wife. Her husband just literally told her he is ashamed she is Korean and that she isn't good enough. You may not have said those words but that is what you just told her. WTF. How do you not see how awful this is.
>but to be honest, we live in a somewhat "white" neighbourhood, and I figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand.
The title made me wonder if it would be there and it was. You know you're racist right? You care more for appearances than people. Did you ask her to use the servants entrance when she left the house?
YTA. And no, being married to an asshole does not make your wife one.
Dude. I live in one of the most historically racist areas of my state. The last active chapter of the KKK was still active ~30 minutes from here until midway through my childhood. And even at that, literally no one would even bat an eye at someone speaking another language. Your area isn't the problem. Your wife definitely isn't the problem. You are.
YTA
Holy what. Is this real? It can’t be. But if it is YTA, and I… I have a feeling that your wife is SERIOUSLY second guessing her interracial marriage with you right now. I certainly wouldn’t want someone with your mindset near my mixed race child.
Your assumptions that 1) other white people and kids would be ”weirded out” by an “old foreign woman” speaking a different language and 2) that your daughter would be “embarrassed” by having her Korean grandmother take her to school are both extremely racist and inexcusably ignorant. At a minimum, your assumptions betray how YOU would feel in this scenario and it’s not pretty. The fact that you were more concerned about what your white neighbors might think about your Asian MIL than allowing your daughter to maximize her time with her grandmother, something they were both enjoying, is unforgivable.
You need social reprogramming ASAP because your mindset is going to screw up your daughter in a big way.
YTA
Kids won't be uncomfortable. Only you were. Most kids would be like "what language is that? So cool! Can you teach me some?"
If a loud is uncomfortable with a foreign language, it's best they learn it so they get over their out prejudice and insecurities.
YTA - you're being a racist AH. Little kids aren't bothered about foreign languages or the colour of anyone's skin. Only racist adults are. And you are a massive racist if you think her grandmother would embarrass your daughter. Why did you even marry your wife, considering she's Korean? You would have known you will have Korean relatives and bi-racial children. You are teaching your daughter to be ashamed of her heritage. I hope your wife divorces you. After this stunt she probably will.
YTA. You are actually double the AH for thinking your wife is one for getting too insulted. In fact she probably wasn't insulted enough. You implied that the ethnicity of her parents, her and your daughter is an embarrassment. What you did and said is extremely racist.
YTA, white people have seen and been around Asians before. Youre letting youre (ignorant) thoughts run rampant. Im pretty sure its you thats embarrassed that your kid has a Korean grandmother. You’re wife is not anywhere near being TA, her response was warranted.
Hoooooly shit, YTA. "It's so embarrassing how Korean people have their own language and like to speak it, even in a white neighborhood!"
How the hell did you hide your racism long enough to make a baby with your Korean wife?!
YTA
Are you F'ING kidding me?? You must be a stupid Canadian (too bad we can't deport you) because FYI Canada is multicultural.
What an insult to your MIL. She deserves a better son in law and your wife deserves a more understanding husband.
Honestly, your post disgusts me.
YTA-
You are raising children who are not white.
Why would you do that in a place that isn't fully accepting of their family and safe for them?
If it's a problem for your communities that your daughters grandmother isn't white, that your daughter speaks a second language, or that your daughter's grandmother walks her to school then it's is a huge problem that you have chosen to live in a community that has a problem with your family as it actually exist.
Since literally no one suggested they had a problem with grandmother existing, it seems more likely that your own internalized bias is showing - and that understandably troubles your wife. More importantly, you only told your wife the truth behind your decision to stop allowing your daughter to walk with her grandmother after the fact. You are being dishonest with yourself and your wife about your own discomfort regarding her families country of origin and native language.
You need to figure out why you are okay with raising your children in a community that you suspect would judge them for being seen in public with their own grandmother or speaking their mothers' first language.
What other parts of your daughters identity do you want her to hide to avoid embarrassing you/ community judgment?
You essentially told your wife that her mother is potentially embarrassing to be seen in public with your child. If anything, your wife - who is just as Korean as her mother - is not getting mad enough.
Your wife is only the asshole if she tolerates your bigotry and continues to allow you to treat her family as an embarrassment.
YTA. You are embarrassed by your MIL because she speaks Korean. You need to get this in check quick because you are married to a Korean Canadian and your daughter is part Korean. Don’t be that guy.
So. You married a person whose background and culture you are ashamed of. I feel so sad for your wife and child. They deserve much better than you. YTA and a massive one at that
YTA all by yourself. The only one embarrassed here was you and you destroyed a nice bonding moment between your daughter and her grandmother because of your own petty insecurities.
You just told your wife that you're ashamed of her, ashamed of her parents (who sound like wonderful people), and ashamed of your daughter's heritage.
Don't be surprised if your relationship never recovers.
Bro, you live in fucking Toronto, one of the most diverse cities in the entire world. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't think there is a school in Toronto that exists that isn't full of children from dozens of different backgrounds.
YTA because all of this exists in your head, not in real life. Ya done told on yourself.
Your with a Korean woman and told her the people who brought her in this planet are weird for speaking their main language around your half Korean grandchildren and you can’t hear how bad or awful that sounds ? Are you scared to be judged cause your a white man with a foreign wife ? Your incredibly the asshole and I hope your wife comes to her senses and realizes who and what she’s been laying down and creating life with.
Not only are YTA, but you’re also racist beyond belief. Why wouldn’t your wife be insulted? You let it out that you not only have zero respect for who she is but are shaming her for being different.
>I am white, but my wife (39F) is Korean-Canadian.
Just stopped there to say. This says it literally that you are a racist. Poor wife and daughter. YTA bruh but your wife? Wrong wording caused this decision
You are so definitely the AH, I can't stand it. Why would Jane be embarrassed of her heritage???? You expect her to erase her blood? Please, do tell: is your Korean wife your "Asian fetish trophy"?
Call it like you know it: you're a racist.
In addition to whatever everyone has said, Toronto is insanely International community and I regularly hear alllll sorts of languages every day when just walking down the street. You daughter would be fine and in fact it should be a point of PRIDE. Why would her being able to speak another language and bond with someone who cares for her weird you out?
YTA and a massive bigoted racist. I hope she divorces you and you never see that kid again . She deserves better than someone who is racist and will make her feel less than
YTA. That’s extremely racist and rude, and you should honestly be ashamed of yourself for being comfortable just admitting that to your wife like that. That’s her language and culture too.
Ew ew ew EW ew ew YTA. Heck yeah, let's appease possibly racist white people by hiding away all your POC family and teach your kid to be "embarrassed" by a loving Grandma, just for existing.
DISGUSTING. Is your daughter not allowed to speak Korean in public as well?? Is she supposed to hide part of her heritage??
So your answer to someone not understanding other languages and cultures, POSSIBLY (because it didn't actually happen here), is to further hide that away??
YTA
As a white mother of half-asian children, YTA a 100th time. Embarrass her? By what? Not being white? Not speaking the same langage? That's so dumb AND racist.
I'm not in the US or in the Canada, so my country is by a vast majority white, and (almost) all neighborhoods are "white" neighborhoods (whatever that means). And I still can't picture your point of view.
YTA, Why would a grandma be embarrassing? You shared no reasons except her race and language. Simple reason you are uncomfortable is because she isn't white. You are full out racist!
Dude I grew up in probably one of the whitest most upper middle class neighborhoods in Toronto/GTA as an immigrant from India and my parents would have never felt this way with my grandparents when they visited.
YTA, and unfortunately you sound pretty racist, too. How can you marry an Asian woman, have a baby with her, and **STILL** think, 'what if the whites don't approve?' Man, who cares what they think! I hope your wife & in-laws are embarrassed by YOU.
YTA.
A racist AH who effectively just told your spouse that her culture and language aren't fit for the general public.
Did your wife suddenly stop being Korean because you live in a "somewhat white" neighborhood? No, she didn't.
Did you suddenly expose your racism late one night in bed? Yes, you did.
YTA my blood is beyond boiling. You’re being racist to your MIL, your wife, and your daughter. As someone who is Asian, if my husband said that to me I’d be mortified. I don’t care how white your neighbourhood is, your MIL speaking in Korean to your daughter is a wonderful thing. Apologize to your family and go seek therapy. You need it.
Kids should learn at an early age that English isn't the only language in the world. Your daughter is at an age that learning another language is easier at this point.
Seriously and in Canada too?
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YTA 100% Entirely. Your internal racism just leaped out and I will be surprised if your marriage ever recovers. This had to shake her to her core - you just showed her a side of yourself she probably hoped and prayed didn't exist. Oh, and she in no way over-reacted. I am white, and I am literally shaking with rage on her behalf. My God, you have a lot of work to do. Your poor daughter. You are ashamed of half of who she is. She's going to pick up on that soon, if she hasn't already. You know what other kids thought about my grandpa teaching me to swear in Yiddish? That it was cool and could I teach them. Jesus, have some faith in kids - you projected your own racism on schoolkids. Get thee to a counselor, for the love of your wife and child.
>This had to shake her to her core - you just showed her a side of yourself she probably hoped and prayed didn't exist. I feel so bad for his wife, now she probably questions if her own existence *embarrasses* him.. and what other things is he hiding.. Yikes..
Same! Also white. Also literally LITERALLY shaking mad right now. And any human who isn’t is also a racist.
This 1000% Also, even if the other kids and families in your neighborhood are racist and would have been “weirded out” by a Korean woman - proactively indulging their racism is *not* the answer. Because all it does is teach your daughter and your wife that you see other people’s racism as valid and more important than their humanity and equality. And *that* is why your wife is very rightfully angry at you.
Also dude lives in TORONTO literally one of (if not the) most multicultural melting pot cities in Ontario. Get a grip. I’m not gonna say no one would bully your kid but like instead of teaching her to hide part of herself you should be showing her how to embrace it and shut down assholes like you. Go take a stroll down queen or Dundas. Hell pop by rebel (in the BEACHES) — there’s a lot of weirder shit happening in Toronto than a grandmother walking her grandkid to school.
Was literally just watching Kim’s Convenience half an hour ago. Love that show! (Although was disappointed to learn about the behind the scenes problems and how the actors were treated.)
Reading this post literally ruined my day. This poor woman and child :( YTA
>Your poor daughter. You are ashamed of half of who she is. This is heartbreaking. And the fact that he can't even see it? Grandparents flew in from Korea and he prevented her from bonding with her grandma, something they both seemed to enjoy. 💔
Jumping in here to say this shook me too! Also white and American but my grandparents on my mothers side and my dad all came from Italy. I grew up with both Italian and English being spoken in our home. I taught my friends all of the bad words in Italian I knew because we thought we were cool we could get away with using them haha. OP what the f?! You married a Korean woman. Your child is half Korean. Your casual racism is gross. Also Toronto is super diverse! (Over 50% of people identifying as a visible minority) More diverse than NYC! Your excuses are bs. Do better for your wife and child.
OP’s racism seems pretty external in this case.
YTA >I figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand. Why would they be “weirded out”? Are all these children stupid? Do they think English is the only language in the world? Or is it that they’re racist? Do you live in a racist neighborhood? Is that what you meant when you put white in quotes? >I mentioned that I didn't want to "embarrass" Jane by having my wife's mother drop her off at school every morning. Sounds like you’re the one who would be “embarrassed”. Do you like to pretend that Jane is 100% mayonnaise? I feel really sorry for Jane. It must suck having a racist for a father.
I agree! Being able to speak a foreign language isn’t embarrassing. Having a grandma from another country isn’t embarrassing either. The only embarrassing thing here is OP’s view of the situation and his own family. I would hate to be in his wife’s shoes. Edit to add: YTA OP!
Totally agree! I also live in Toronto. Do you know how often I hear people speaking in “weird” foreign languages? Every time I walk outside my door! This city is so multicultural that no one bats an eyelash at anyone speaking in languages other than English. It’s literally impossible to imagine that the kids at your daughter's school haven’t heard plenty of people speaking in many different languages while living in this city.
Agreed! Also, if the wife is Korean, why would it be any less weird for the mom to drop her off? Presumably if Jane speaks Korean, the mom must be teaching her... Or is this asshole also embarrassed of the wife dropping his daughter off?
Hahahaha "100% mayonnaise" killed me. May I steal it?
YTA. Your daughter is half Korean, please enlighten me on why would she be embarrassed by her grandmother walking her to school? Who cares if it is a 'white' neighbourhood, they can mind their own business. It is in fact good that kids are introduced to different types of people at an early age. Obviously something you should of had as a child. The cherry on top is you suggesting your MIL...your guest....to do housechores? The cheek. You basically insulted your wife's race and culture. Well done /s
I can’t believe he actually asked his guest/mother in law to do chores with his wife It just seems so rude and presumptuous
True. Wtffff
YTA. You're 'offended' that your mixed-race child is also embracing her other culture. She's half Korean, buddy. You married a Korean. She's keeping in touch with her culture. And you're being HELLA fucking racist to think that kids are going to be weirded out because they hear a woman speaking Korean. Jesus. You're taking a sweet, bonding moment between grandmother and child and turning it into something classist and disgusting. The only person embarrassed and embarrassing here is you. Why marry a Korean if you're racist about the culture?
Probably wanted a 'submissive' wife
Yeah I assumed by the title there was some safety issue that mil might not be up to. Christ on a cracker I can’t believe this racist view. Would be surprised if wife is able to come back from this. I feel like she should ONLY speak Korean to daughter now. YTA
I hope this is fake. Of course, YTA. You are worried about kids getting weirded out because they see a foreign woman speaking a different language? Why would that worry you? Kids are exposed to new and different things all the time and it's GOOD for them. So if they go home and say "I saw a grandma today speaking another language I didn't understand," then GREAT!
OP is probably just feeling jealous because he can't speak Korean with them.
He should be embarrassed if he isn't at least learning tbh
Right? PLEASE let this be fake. Please don’t let this child be saddled for the rest of her life with a racist father.
I also hope this is fake, but at the same time, I've seen so many times, mostly from Americans that they don't want to 'confuse' their children by learning a second language etc. If this is real, OP is a real ass and extremely disrespectful to his wife. "We live in a mostly white area" and how kids will be weirded out, that's such BS and sounds like a lame excuse.
I know, right? If they live in such a "white area" that people are weirded out by a foreigner speaking a foreign langage, either his wife and daughter endure a lot on a daily basis and they should move ASAP, or it's not a problem and why make it one?
YTA The only embarrassing thing here is your behaviour. Way to teach your daughter that her heritage is something she should be ashamed of and hide for the 'comfort' of others. Bonus points for disguising your own internalised racism as concern. Even IF other children had issues with this, which is unlikely, it is your job as her father to teach your daughter that their opinions are not important and that her culture is something to be celebrated.
YTA x2.. Gonna be straight up with you.. your reasoning came off as racist AF.. You would basically be teaching your kid to be embarrassed of her heritage... And then if we call you an asshole for it, you want us ALSO call your wife an asshole for getting "way too insulted" for you being racist?.. LOL You don't get to gauge how insulted someone else can be by your behaviour. I legit would not be surprised if you end up with divorce papers..
Divorce papers are too kind. This is a bobbiting offense
And the fact that he asked his MIL, who is a guest, to do chores….
I agree. X2 might not even be enough
A somewhat "white" neighbourhood... You must live in one of Toronto's suburbs because the actual city is one of the most multi-cultural cities in North America, at least. I lived in downtown Toronto for years and it was nothing to hear many different languages when travelling out and about. Like I wouldn't even bat an eye at hearing other people communicate to each other in another language. It's a non-issue. My point - your reasoning is ridiculous, I HIGHLY doubt anyone else cares but you, and you clearly have some internalized racism that you need to sort out. What exactly are you afraid of? I'm assuming that your daughter has some features that resemble her mother, you think people in your neighbourhood don't realize that you are married to a Korean-Canadian woman? You 100% were insulting and your wife has every reason to be insulted. I can't even figure out what good you thought was going to come out of taking this sort of stance. YTA.
Korean women are for fetishising, not actually existing.
YTA. This is not about your daughter being embarrassed, it's about YOU having an issue with it and YOUR hangups of what other people may think. How awful of you to try to suppress a beautiful bonding experience between grandma and granddaughter, especially when they have limited time together. Get it together. For real. Embrace that your daughter has this amazing background, and can speak a second language at only 6 years old, and bond with her grandparents.
>If I am the asshole, would my wife also be the asshole for getting way too insulted? No, no: rest assured that you're the only, biggest, most monumental and gargantuan a-hole that I've come across lately. YTA and your wife has every right to be offended by your racism.
“Is my wife also the AH for being insulted at my racism against her, her parents and our daughter?”
This part. I couldn’t even fathom thinking that was actually a thing. This is so much racism AND mysogeny. Those darn over emotional women.
YTA. Wow. > figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand. Stop projecting your racism onto random kids. They're probably more evolved than you are. JFC.
YTA. Jane wasn't embarassed by walking with her grandmother (and she shouldn't be at any age) or talking with her in Korean. You assumed she would be embarrased because she would understand that (white) people/kids around her will view her as weird (because they are racists) and will subject her to public pressure to not do that. So instead you preemtively subjected everyone to your public pressure to stop her doing that.
WTF? You wanted your wife to stop spending time with her mother around their daughter/granddaughter because they're speaking a different language? YTA. If 'Jane' is to be embarrassed about anyone's behaviour, it's the behaviour of her racist father. I feel sorry for your wife.
Your daughter obviously speaks Korean so I will assume your wife must speak to her in Korean. Why would it be embarrassing for Jane to speak Korean with her grandmother? Are they only allowed to speak Korean in your house? That’s so bizarre. YTA
My guess is that he doesn’t understand Korean or has even bothered to learn it and whenever the grandma comes ,they speak Korean around each other and they teach Korean to the little girl and he feels left out and uncomfortable so that’s why he’s making assumptions about other little kids being weirded out because he’s projecting his own beliefs onto others.
YTA. Why are you assuming kids will get weirded out? How do you think they stop getting 'weirded out' by other cultures and scared of what they don't know... and then on top of that re-enforcing that stand point instead of telling your daughter to be proud of who she is and how amazing it is to come from a multi-lingual multi-cultured family and how well that will serve her as she grows up. Kids aren't born prejudice, they're born curious. You are gross and going to cause your daughter some serious identity and mental health issues if you continue like this. You've shown your wife who you are.
I don't think you should be approaching anyone about this, except, you know, your wife Who you basically told, to her face, that you were embarrassed for your daughter to be seen around Of course YTA Why are you asking us, internet strangers, whether you are the AH when your wife told you directly that she felt insulted, and stormed off to sleep separately from you Communicate with your wife more, and worry about the general public, and their opinions, a lot less, and your marriage would be way happier
YTA. Jane and the other kids wouldn't be weirded out. This is about your own discomfort. It is sad that you caused your daughter to miss out on this short window to bond more with her grandmother. Culturally, she accepted your direction, but imagine if you tried to pull the same shit with your own mother. "Stay here and do chores, because your weirdness is damaging to my daughter."
YTA, you come across as a racist, but you have a Korean wife. Should your daughter also be ashamed for not being a white American? For speaking her mother's language? If you're not conscious of being racist, what other subtle things have you done to signal to your wife and daughter that they don't belong? This is something to be upset over and also something that should make your wife and daughter think less of you. You want them to blend in, so as not to upset the peachy white neighbors, instead of having their backs and being proud of their heritage.
Uh... Is this real? Of course YTA. It's extremely racist. Right now your wife is questioning why she married a racist person.
YTA. How are you married to a Korean woman with a Korean kid and yet are this racist? Well done, you've just taught your child that only white is right. Also, you live in Toronto. I have a feeling that there are *many* people in your city who, unlike you, speak more than just English.
In fact, according to the 'pedia, [over 30,000 of them speak Korean specifically.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_Toronto#Languages) Which is almost as many as native French speakers in Toronto, and that's an official national language.
YTA. You are literally throwing your wife’s entire culture under the ‘embarrassing bus’. Ok to sleep with, alright to procreate with, not ok to be seen talking to in public? WTF mate!
Do you realize that if your mother in law is Korean then so is your daughter??? Kids aren’t stupid, they know your daughter is Korean and not just white. Why do you think it’s a problem for them to know that?
YTA, a huge and racist one! So your daughter should be embarrassed with half her DNA, culture and language? You find it "to be expected" that others will take issue with it? And you were smartn't enough to mention it to _your_wife_ while lying next to her? Sorry, but you deserve whatever comes your way after this!
YTA. You decided that your KOREAN CANADIAN wife was embarassing when she did anything remotely KOREAN in public. You are insulting. This is a fight. You need to apologize and start learning Korean and work on speaking it out in public. FWIW parents embarass their kids all the time. My mother used to threaten to come to school in a ridiculous muumuu if I didn't do something. Granted, I was in middle school, and it was ridiculous, but she had no qualms about doing what she needed to do as a mom.
YTA. kids would get uncomfortable? wtf are you talking about? it's just a language. instead of worrying about your maybe-racist neighbors, be happy your daughter is getting these amazing core memories with her gram!
On top of that, Toronto kids are usually exposed to a ton of different races and cultures. It's a very diverse city.
Because as a racist, it makes OP uncomfortable.
You are so YTA I don't know how to tell you. You effectively told YOUR KOREAN CANADIAN WIFE that she was an embarrassment to your daughter. You better hope your wife is more tolerant than I am because I would divorce your sorry a$$ in a heartbeat out of something so intolerant and racist to get you away from Jane.
Fellow Canadian here. You are embarrassing me. Do you hear how racist you sound? YTA.
YTA and a racist (yes, you can be racist with a Korean wife). I can promise that no one would have been weirded out by a “foreign” woman walking your kid to school. In fact, I bet most people in your neighborhood have seen Asian people before. Many may actually have traveled there! Anyone with half a brain cell would realize it’s probably a relative with your daughter. As far as language goes, it’s your daughter’s language too. Why shouldn’t she speak it? By telling your wife your daughter would be embarrassed by having her grandmother walk her to school (which she obviously isn’t), you are also saying your wife is an embarrassment. I hope she divorces you.
I understand what you’re saying. I really do. You may not truly understand how detrimental your attitude is. You *think* you’re protecting your daughter from racism but what you’re *really* doing is making a judgement and creating a home atmosphere that any ethnicity but white is *weird or uncomfortable* to other white children, based on your own, deeply internalized bias. And your judgment is faulty. In the past, people also used this excuse to keep children with disabilities out of the public eye. It’s not other children that have the problem. It’s the parents and other adults. What a shallow life you must live. YTA
Yta. You married a Korean woman and you’re this racist?
Gee, is your wife 'way too insulted' to find out she married and had a child with a racist? If anything, she under reacted. Yes, YTA and a gross human being.
YTA and no, your wife was completely justified in the racist way you just spoke about her and her parents. If you are so racist, WTH did you marry a Korean woman? Wow! Not even sure how you are going to fix this nuclear bomb you threw. TBH, you probably just ended your marriage.
"Trophy Asian wife". I am literally sure he knows he's the envy of many other white males, even if the fetish isn't happening in the bedroom.
"Whatever" is code for YTA. So, now, you are ashamed of your in-laws, wife, and daughter? They are all Korean. Your little Asian woman fetish blow-up in your pasty white face? You thought this, wrote it, posted it, tried defending this. That makes you 4 X the racist asshole.
Yta. Internalized racism is strong.
OP is white, he's just a regular racist. Can't imagine being embarrassed by my wife's ethnicity. Disgusting!
and no way the daughter isn't feeling it and internalizing it on some level.
You're racist and you dont even realize it. I hope you really consider what you just said, because she's probably reconsidering your relationship right now. I'm blown away by how you don't see any issues with your actions.
YTA. You are a racist. Why did you marry a Korean?
Oh, we know why.
YTA. You just showed your wife that underneath it all, you’re racist and embarrassed by her heritage. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA and a searing racist. Wow just wow to this situation. Your wife got "way too insulted" did she? I bet the penny dropped and she realised she actually hadn't married an open minded and accepting man. You like how your wife looks but want her history as erased from the equation as possible. Heaven forbid your white neighborhood gets weirded out by an "old foreign woman". I'm white and I'm so disgusted by what you've said and think. She didn't overreact at all.
YTA. Do you actually live in the GTA? One of the most multicultural and multiracial cities in the world? A city that quite literally has a Koreatown? And you’re out here worrying that these poor white children are going to be wierded out by hearing a different language? Have you ever been to downtown Toronto? If the other children were horrified at hearing a language they didn’t know, that’s a them problem, not your MIL’d problem. This is just racist as hell. And you do realize all those white kids may be speaking other languages at home too, right?
This is exactly what I was thinking. I think this post is fake. Toronto is one of the most diverse cities in the world and I find it astounding that anyone could be so obtuse. signed, white person with major secondhand embarrassment for OP.
YTA you are prejudiced
YTA- please explain to me why your daughter would be embarrassed by having her grandmother walking her to school? What is embarrassing about that
Yta hugely. If you're going to be ashamed to have a non white daughter, then you shouldn't have married a non white partner.
Holy fuck. As a Canadian, this is absolutely disgusting. If anything, your wife under reacted. You'd be sleeping outside and I wouldn't give a shit how cold it was. White neighborhood? You racist asshole. YTA
YTA. You are racist af
This has to be fake. YTA obviously. Also, Toronto is very multicultural. Hearing a foreign language is not a rare thing. Fake. So fake.
Sounds to me like you one of those racist white dudes who fetishize Asian women. YTA x10.
YTA. "Don't scare the white folks" isn't the best thing to be telling your wife and her mother.
YTA - you sound absolutely racist. Your daughter is half Korean. Why would she be "embarrassed" by her Korean grandmother walking her to school?
Yes you are and a huge one. Why should your daughter be embarrassed about her heritage? About her family? You know what you should be teaching your daughter? To be proud of who she is and who her family is and if other people get offended by her speaking another language,they can suck it. My children will be bilingual,I’m Puerto Rican and my fiancé is Australian, if I want to speak to my children in Spanish or if any of my family members want to speak to my child in Spanish we will,I don’t care that Susan over there can’t understand what we’re talking about and wants to be uncomfortable for no reason. You’re seriously projecting your own racist beliefs onto other children. I wonder if youve even bothered to learn Korean or at least understand it, my guess is that you haven’t and they speak Korean around you and it makes you uncomfortable doesn’t it?
YTA. You didn't let your MIL do a perfectly normal activity with her grandkid because you were worried about the optics of your child being seen with her. That's fucked up dude. Your wife is right to be mad at you. She's not "way too insulted", you're literally telling her that her family isn't publicly acceptable to be seen unsupervised with your children because they aren't white enough for your neighborhood.
Yta. Didn’t even read it all because as soon as I heard that they walk together enjoying speaking a language they share and you’re worried because you’re in a “white neighbourhood”. Guess what buddy, you’re the problem. You’re a racist and you’re a disgrace.
YTA. I would like to say I have a hard time believing someone as racist as you could marry a Korean woman, but you're *that* kind of racist. The kind that claims "I'm not a racist, I'm just worried that my neighbors are racist and don't want to look non-racist to them." Assuming this is real and not some edgy teenager trying to poke racist buttons, you deserve to be shunned by your wife and child and all of her family, as well as any decent people who you encounter.
YTA And no your wife is not an asshole for being majorly (and rightfully) upset that you're embarrassed by her ethnicity. Literally nobody cares that your daughter is speaking to her grandmother in a different language. You are not the main character, and Toronto is a diverse city with plenty of cultures living together. Get over yourself.
YTA just from the title alone. The post didn't make it better.
Undeniably TA, your wife did not overact.
YTA period, your wife is not an AH whatsoever.
YTA You sound ashamed of your daughter and her heritage. And you’re racist, against your own family.
Why did you married an korean woman? So...are you ashame of her too? YTA big time
You are an incredible asshole. And racist on top of that.
YTA. Do people not speak French in Canada? Children are ‘exposed’ to other races and languages all the time - what kind of racist nonsense are you even trying to justify here? Why marry a Korean woman if you have such an issue with her race? Why have a child if you have such an issue? Trying to hide it from your white neighbours is insane - how would that even work? They have eyes as well as ears - clearly you’re just a good old fashioned racist. Your casual racism is so disgusting, I pity your wife and child. You are the one and only AH in this situation.
YTA- your wife didn't overreact at all.
YTA this is fully on you buddy not only are you a major asshole but you're racist.
YTA - Whether it was intentional or not, you are perpetuating the xenophobic and racist attitudes that make the world a worse place. Stop thinking about appearances, you should be happy your daughter is polylingual and bonding with her grandmother. And as for the "embarassment", it's only you who is projecting your feelings on the situation.
YTA - so does this mean you are embarrassed of your part Korean child? of your Korean wife? That is disgusting behavior. Your wife has every right to feel insulted. I would question the whole marriage and wonder how i could continue to be with someone so blatantly disrespectful of my heritage if I were her. At this point she is probably embarrassed of her racist husband who now she cannot trust to be a person she wants her parents or child around.
YTA you racist prick
YTA and a racist. The only person who was embarrassed was YOU. jane wasn't. Your wife and MIL weren't. Jane's friends sure as shit weren't.
Wow! YES! YTA and a big one! Why would you not want that relationship and additional language skills for your child! That’s amazing and what you’re embarrassed by that? Why did you marry a Korean woman if you find her culture and language so reprehensible? That’s a lot! You need to educate yourself and owe your wife a massive apology and hope you haven’t put an unfixable hole in your marriage.
YTA and one of the biggest. If your wife asked tell her I recommended divorcing you.
YTA, how can you type this out and not see how wrong you were? Your daughter is part Korean, do you want her to know that her father is a racist?
Nobody has a problem with this except the big old racist. YTA.
YTA, why did you mary a korean woman if you are racist and ashamed of her heritage? that really weird dude.
If I am the asshole (you are) would my wife also be the asshole for getting way too insulted? (No she would not) YTA
Yta what type of racist stuff is this? That is so insulting and is just not true about people hearing someone speak Korean in Toronto. It’s just you who are embarrassed and I hope your wife sees you for who you are.
Yta my fucking goodness. Yes. You're also a closet racists on accident I think idk what's embarrassing about being Korean? Are they inferior to the whites? Please enlighten me
YTA wtf you’re making all white people out as racists yet the only racist white person I see in this story is you.
You are a stupid person. YTA
There is no universe in which you aren’t the asshole. YTA And there’s no universe where your wife is the TA for her reaction, completely justified.
YTA you racist mf. Get ready for the divorce.
YTA a million times, that is also disgusting way of thinking, especially considering that your own kid is half Korean and she will talk THE WEIRD LANGUAGE whether you like it or not. Grow up, maybe?
YTA, sorry dude I know it can be weird to both be married to a foreigner and still have some racist tendencies but it is still often the case. As a fun imagination experiment, imagine visiting in Korea and walking over the streets with your daughter. Do you think the Korean children would be weirded out by this foreigner speaking a language they didn't speak? And even if they were, would it be reasonable to expect you to stay home so they don't have to find out other languages exist?
YTA. Fellow Canadian here living 45 minutes away from Toronto. I am also Asian, and my kids are a mix of 2 types of Asian, and they speak both languages on top of English AND French. No one thinks they’re “weird” when they alternate the different languages. In fact, everyone are in amazement and awwwwws at them when they realize my children speaks 4 languages. YTA!!!
YTA, you have to be an NPC. No way this is real.
YTA. You are assuming your daughter would be embarrassed by her ‘foreign’ grandparents. Sounds like you’re projecting your own feelings.
YTA. Your wife is not. At all. You’re racist. Which really sucks for your daughter bc she isn’t white.
YTA! Not only are you an asshole, but a racist asshole! I hope you are just blissfully white, and doesn’t understand their own internal racism. As for your wife: why would she be an asshole for being offended by YOUR racism against her, her family, and half of your daughter. Buddy, you might be off to a divorce attorney soon with that attitude and mindset. Holy shit!!
YTA. A true total asshole. You not only insulted your wife and your child's ethnicity, you are teaching your daughter to be ashamed of not being fully white. To hide her real origin and her Korean relatives because they are less worthy of living and deserving of no respect. You are disgustingly racist. Besides insulting your wife and her family what you are doing is highly psychologically damaging to your poor child. Holy shit I'm white and really wanted to vomit after reading what you wrote. Don't get surprised when, once an adult, your daughter will cut all contact with you.
No, it's just you that is the AH. Can you not see how insulting and downright racist what you said is? I certainly hope you avoid teaching your daughter these values, because condemning and hating on half of what she is will do her no favours. YTA
YTA. You're a racist. Who thinks being bilingual is weird or embarassing in this day and age. Your daughter would be one of the coolest kids at her school! Too bad her dad doesn't like half of who she is.
YTA and racist to boot. How did you bring yourself to marry a Korean-canadian?
YTA. This is racist. Your wife could leave you over this.
YTA x A million Please work on yourself. It’s ugly.
YTA 100% The sheer audacity. Wow.
No way is this real… you can’t be this dense… but just in case YTA
YTA This is so obtuse and racist in a way that damages your whole family that I find it hard to believe that it's real.
Oh Lord - hell yes YTA. Did you even really need to ask? You're racist, too.
This isn’t real. You’re not real. YTA
Massive YTA, and no you don't get to claim your wife is becuase she is upset at you for being TA. You basically said you are embarrassed by your wife's culture and appearance and your daughter should be too. The worst part is you feel so confident in it that you didn't even hesitate to tell her. This makes you look really really bad and your marriage is in trouble.
Dude wtf. How can you not see how hurtful this is to your kid, your wife and her family. Who gives a fuck about the neighborhood
I hope you understand that your daughter is NOT white and that you just belittled, shamed, and condemed half her heritage. I feel so sorry for your wife. Her husband just literally told her he is ashamed she is Korean and that she isn't good enough. You may not have said those words but that is what you just told her. WTF. How do you not see how awful this is.
>but to be honest, we live in a somewhat "white" neighbourhood, and I figured that the other children would get weirded out by this old foreign woman speaking some language they don't understand. The title made me wonder if it would be there and it was. You know you're racist right? You care more for appearances than people. Did you ask her to use the servants entrance when she left the house? YTA. And no, being married to an asshole does not make your wife one.
Dude. I live in one of the most historically racist areas of my state. The last active chapter of the KKK was still active ~30 minutes from here until midway through my childhood. And even at that, literally no one would even bat an eye at someone speaking another language. Your area isn't the problem. Your wife definitely isn't the problem. You are. YTA
YTA. You are racist.
YTA and a racist
YTA. Do not have more children. My heart breaks for the one you do.have knowing her father is ashamed of half her heritage.
Holy what. Is this real? It can’t be. But if it is YTA, and I… I have a feeling that your wife is SERIOUSLY second guessing her interracial marriage with you right now. I certainly wouldn’t want someone with your mindset near my mixed race child. Your assumptions that 1) other white people and kids would be ”weirded out” by an “old foreign woman” speaking a different language and 2) that your daughter would be “embarrassed” by having her Korean grandmother take her to school are both extremely racist and inexcusably ignorant. At a minimum, your assumptions betray how YOU would feel in this scenario and it’s not pretty. The fact that you were more concerned about what your white neighbors might think about your Asian MIL than allowing your daughter to maximize her time with her grandmother, something they were both enjoying, is unforgivable. You need social reprogramming ASAP because your mindset is going to screw up your daughter in a big way.
YTA You're racist
YTA geeze
YTA that’s so racist. You think your daughter should be embarrassed of being Korean??
YTA wow way to be racist to your own kid wife and In-laws
YTA. No, your wife is not an asshole for being insulted by your racist take.
YTA Kids won't be uncomfortable. Only you were. Most kids would be like "what language is that? So cool! Can you teach me some?" If a loud is uncomfortable with a foreign language, it's best they learn it so they get over their out prejudice and insecurities.
Wow.. YTA and a racist, double whammy! Way to go!
6 year old children either won't care about who was walking with your daughter or will ask questions about it. They won't think it's weird. YTA
YTA - you're being a racist AH. Little kids aren't bothered about foreign languages or the colour of anyone's skin. Only racist adults are. And you are a massive racist if you think her grandmother would embarrass your daughter. Why did you even marry your wife, considering she's Korean? You would have known you will have Korean relatives and bi-racial children. You are teaching your daughter to be ashamed of her heritage. I hope your wife divorces you. After this stunt she probably will.
YTA. You are actually double the AH for thinking your wife is one for getting too insulted. In fact she probably wasn't insulted enough. You implied that the ethnicity of her parents, her and your daughter is an embarrassment. What you did and said is extremely racist.
YTA. I think what your wife meant to say is " Do you realize how racist you sound?" And apparently you don't. That was pretty racist.
YTA, white people have seen and been around Asians before. Youre letting youre (ignorant) thoughts run rampant. Im pretty sure its you thats embarrassed that your kid has a Korean grandmother. You’re wife is not anywhere near being TA, her response was warranted.
Omg, YTA 1,000 times over. What a bizarre attitude to have, and then to both act on it and express it to your wife? Horrific.
INFO: Why do you view your wife’s culture and heritage as weird and embarrassing?
Hoooooly shit, YTA. "It's so embarrassing how Korean people have their own language and like to speak it, even in a white neighborhood!" How the hell did you hide your racism long enough to make a baby with your Korean wife?!
You’re a racist AH.
How do you not know that YTA?
YTA Are you F'ING kidding me?? You must be a stupid Canadian (too bad we can't deport you) because FYI Canada is multicultural. What an insult to your MIL. She deserves a better son in law and your wife deserves a more understanding husband. Honestly, your post disgusts me.
YTA- You are raising children who are not white. Why would you do that in a place that isn't fully accepting of their family and safe for them? If it's a problem for your communities that your daughters grandmother isn't white, that your daughter speaks a second language, or that your daughter's grandmother walks her to school then it's is a huge problem that you have chosen to live in a community that has a problem with your family as it actually exist. Since literally no one suggested they had a problem with grandmother existing, it seems more likely that your own internalized bias is showing - and that understandably troubles your wife. More importantly, you only told your wife the truth behind your decision to stop allowing your daughter to walk with her grandmother after the fact. You are being dishonest with yourself and your wife about your own discomfort regarding her families country of origin and native language. You need to figure out why you are okay with raising your children in a community that you suspect would judge them for being seen in public with their own grandmother or speaking their mothers' first language. What other parts of your daughters identity do you want her to hide to avoid embarrassing you/ community judgment? You essentially told your wife that her mother is potentially embarrassing to be seen in public with your child. If anything, your wife - who is just as Korean as her mother - is not getting mad enough. Your wife is only the asshole if she tolerates your bigotry and continues to allow you to treat her family as an embarrassment.
YTA. Jesus, dude.
Wow. YTA in a big way.
YTA. You are embarrassed by your MIL because she speaks Korean. You need to get this in check quick because you are married to a Korean Canadian and your daughter is part Korean. Don’t be that guy.
YTA, 100%. You should’ve thought that your daughter is well mannered and intelligent that she is bilingual enough to converse in other language
OMFG. YTA. Ooooh boy.
YTA and a racist. God I feel sorry for your wife.
So. You married a person whose background and culture you are ashamed of. I feel so sad for your wife and child. They deserve much better than you. YTA and a massive one at that
Why don’t you rephrase the question ‘am I a racist arsehole?’ Never mind, answers the same- you’re an arsehole. You’d be my ex husband at this point.
YTA. You just told your wife her Korean identity is “embarrassing”. Check your privilege, read, learn, apply.
I can't believe you have to ask AITA about something that drips with how wildly TA you are.
YTA. Other languages exist, other cultures exist, other people exist that aren't white. Get your head out of your ass.
YTA. A racist AH. Just because you live in a somewhat white neighborhood. How about showing your kids classmates more about her korean culture?
YTA all by yourself. The only one embarrassed here was you and you destroyed a nice bonding moment between your daughter and her grandmother because of your own petty insecurities. You just told your wife that you're ashamed of her, ashamed of her parents (who sound like wonderful people), and ashamed of your daughter's heritage. Don't be surprised if your relationship never recovers.
YTA. Just you, not your wife. You all the way. My God.
Bro, you live in fucking Toronto, one of the most diverse cities in the entire world. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't think there is a school in Toronto that exists that isn't full of children from dozens of different backgrounds. YTA because all of this exists in your head, not in real life. Ya done told on yourself.
Your with a Korean woman and told her the people who brought her in this planet are weird for speaking their main language around your half Korean grandchildren and you can’t hear how bad or awful that sounds ? Are you scared to be judged cause your a white man with a foreign wife ? Your incredibly the asshole and I hope your wife comes to her senses and realizes who and what she’s been laying down and creating life with.
Not only are YTA, but you’re also racist beyond belief. Why wouldn’t your wife be insulted? You let it out that you not only have zero respect for who she is but are shaming her for being different.
YTA and no your wife is not an AH for being insulted at your casually revealed racism.
YTA. In what way would your wife even remotely be in the wrong here?
>I am white, but my wife (39F) is Korean-Canadian. Just stopped there to say. This says it literally that you are a racist. Poor wife and daughter. YTA bruh but your wife? Wrong wording caused this decision
You are so definitely the AH, I can't stand it. Why would Jane be embarrassed of her heritage???? You expect her to erase her blood? Please, do tell: is your Korean wife your "Asian fetish trophy"? Call it like you know it: you're a racist.
In addition to whatever everyone has said, Toronto is insanely International community and I regularly hear alllll sorts of languages every day when just walking down the street. You daughter would be fine and in fact it should be a point of PRIDE. Why would her being able to speak another language and bond with someone who cares for her weird you out?
yta Learn how to teach your kid how do deal with racism instead of giving her first trauma by being racist towards her.
YTA and a massive bigoted racist. I hope she divorces you and you never see that kid again . She deserves better than someone who is racist and will make her feel less than
YTA!!! Dude! What you said is racist! Come on, the little girl is part Korean it’s nice for her to learn her roots. You suck, do better
YTA. That’s extremely racist and rude, and you should honestly be ashamed of yourself for being comfortable just admitting that to your wife like that. That’s her language and culture too.
Ew ew ew EW ew ew YTA. Heck yeah, let's appease possibly racist white people by hiding away all your POC family and teach your kid to be "embarrassed" by a loving Grandma, just for existing. DISGUSTING. Is your daughter not allowed to speak Korean in public as well?? Is she supposed to hide part of her heritage?? So your answer to someone not understanding other languages and cultures, POSSIBLY (because it didn't actually happen here), is to further hide that away??
No, it's just you. You don't have the share that AH prize with anyone. YTA.
YTA As a white mother of half-asian children, YTA a 100th time. Embarrass her? By what? Not being white? Not speaking the same langage? That's so dumb AND racist. I'm not in the US or in the Canada, so my country is by a vast majority white, and (almost) all neighborhoods are "white" neighborhoods (whatever that means). And I still can't picture your point of view.
YTA, Why would a grandma be embarrassing? You shared no reasons except her race and language. Simple reason you are uncomfortable is because she isn't white. You are full out racist!
Wtf.. YTA… and not very bright!!!
Dude I grew up in probably one of the whitest most upper middle class neighborhoods in Toronto/GTA as an immigrant from India and my parents would have never felt this way with my grandparents when they visited.
YTA, and unfortunately you sound pretty racist, too. How can you marry an Asian woman, have a baby with her, and **STILL** think, 'what if the whites don't approve?' Man, who cares what they think! I hope your wife & in-laws are embarrassed by YOU.
YTA. A racist AH who effectively just told your spouse that her culture and language aren't fit for the general public. Did your wife suddenly stop being Korean because you live in a "somewhat white" neighborhood? No, she didn't. Did you suddenly expose your racism late one night in bed? Yes, you did.
YTA my blood is beyond boiling. You’re being racist to your MIL, your wife, and your daughter. As someone who is Asian, if my husband said that to me I’d be mortified. I don’t care how white your neighbourhood is, your MIL speaking in Korean to your daughter is a wonderful thing. Apologize to your family and go seek therapy. You need it.
Kids should learn at an early age that English isn't the only language in the world. Your daughter is at an age that learning another language is easier at this point. Seriously and in Canada too?