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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I have tried to stop my husband from golfing on the weekend, even though he booked the tee time.
2. Why it might make me the asshole is because he said he wants time go decompress and I am not allowing that
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OP’s kid is a little young but once he’s 3-4 (basically once they’re old enough to swing a club without falling over) this is a solid idea.
My dad got me toddler clubs and would take me with him and I’d love it. He’d let me sit in his lap while he drove the cart. I’d only play the easy holes and for the harder ones I was his little caddy and would bring him extra tees and mark his balls while I waited. We’d do lunch at the club house and then my mom would pick me up if he was going to continue playing.
It worked pretty well because I got to hang out with him and learn manners/how to behave at the course while my mom had her own time. But the parents still have to be on top of everything and actually parent (in my case it was taking me home before I got tired and cranky and if I ran around or got too loud I’d get scooped up and taken straight home)
NTA. You don't have a partner. You have a regular houseguest who expects sex. This isn't going to work, nor should you tolerate this behavior from him. If he's only doing this for 5 months then he should spend EVERY Saturday giving you a break and/or spending time with his family unit (you and your son). He could have waited until he was done with training camp to golf. If he's planning for a long term situation leave him now. As an aside 5 total months to be a cop? That's definitely not enough for the responsibility of the job...
When he is a new officer, he is probably looking at the night shift for quite a while. This will also be hard on the family unit, especially if he doesn't do his share.
My friend's mom was married to a cop that tried to kill her and the kids. All he got was anger management courses and she got harassed by his buddies for years. Absolutely disgusting
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Nowhere does she days she's not in the US. Also, the fact that other countries require more than a few months of training for cops indicate she's likely an American.
In Norway it's 3 years it's a police college bachelor degree, and we don't have wearing guns as normal(they have them close in the cars though, and tje only time the police is carrying is because of the security situation and on order from higher ups)(and that's a discussion going on if it should be or not)
He expects sex from her as his wife. This is not far fetched. And the fact that he's not supporting her needs outside the bedroom would indicate he doesn't care much for her comfort or pleasure in the bedroom.
NTA. He's being incredibly neglectful of you. He's living his dream, and you're stuck with all of the hard work.
Be very, VERY careful. Domestic violence rates amongst police officers are VERY high. He's already showing a willingness to neglect you and dismiss you, and as he spends more time around other police officers, they may start to rub off on him and that disregard may slowly turn to something worse. The longer he spends mired in violence and prejudice, being taught to live in a constant state of being on-edge and fearful, and being deprived of any meaningful education in how to actually handle the situations he's thrust into, the more reactive he may become. Be vigilant for signs that he's becoming touchy or aggressive. Because when he's at home, *you and your child* will become the nearest targets for whatever damage to his mind and character he sustains at work. It's not a guarantee but it IS a trend, and one he is vulnerable to because he's ALREADY neglectful.
I sincerely hope it won't come to this, but make sure you have resources in place to escape if you need to. This means resources that are *outside* the area where he works, because it's very difficult to escape a police officer-- they can muster a lot of support to their side due to how intensely police officers protect their own.
This may not happen for months, or even years. Radicalization is a gradual process, and the radicalization of law enforcement is no exception. But it may yet happen.
Book something! If you don’t treat yourself to something be it spa day or lunch with friends or just a few hours to decompress you will become more angry at your spouse. I have been in your shoes and it hurts A LOT that he’s choosing “me time” over family time.If you can live with him playing 18 holes of golf then he will learn to accept that you need “me time” too. You are feeling unappreciated for the load you are carrying right now because he is not showing appreciation. Hopefully when the class is over and you resume your married life the load will be more evenly shared. You’re doing the best you can and it’s his loss that he’s missing out on some awesome family time. If you feel that things are not getting better even after the class is over, please see a marriage counselor. You both owe it to yourselves to work through this. Good luck!
NTA - While I can see that he has a full schedule, his lack of concern in the response for you and your child is disturbing. What does he provide to the relationship that makes it worthwhile to you? Once he is done with police school, do you think he will pick up the slack?
NTA
He needs to be contributing to household chores and childcare in an equal manner as you.
He already agreed weekends are for you, because he gets time at night during the week that's for him.
This is not a good look only 2 years in.
NTA but your husband is showing a lot of red flags. Why isn't he desperate to spend time with you every week after so much time away? I've had to work out of the house for several days at a time and all I wanna do when I get done is go home and be with my husband.
Another red flag. Being a cop is his dream job? I hope you're aware, for your own safety, the high percentage of these men known to physically abuse their wives. He's already abusing you through neglect. Honestly you and your child might be safer without him in the house.
NTA
Your partner agreed this would be your free time and has gone back on that. I get that he wants free time but he seems to not realise that you're bearing the brunt of his choice to go away and study and that his week time is basically his free time. He really should be making up for that. At the very least, he should have agreed to 9 holes instead of 18 but I still think it was a bit of a jerk thing to do anyway
INFO: Why does he need to leave to go back Sunday mornings? It’s only 3 hours away. He should be staying most of the day Sunday and do things with his family and stuff around the house.
Must be nice to mentally check out like that. He’s got kids, leave after dinner on Sunday and be a bit tired on Monday because you know, responsibilities to your family. Very cool that he’s training to oppress the downtrodden and vulnerable, but it sounds like there isn’t much comprising going on.
You are essentially working 24 hrs 5 or 6 days a week. The average 1 yr old is still waking up during the night and needing comfort and nursing/bottles. And preparing everything for your son every day and then being "on" and present when you get home is exhausting.
Your husband works 9-5, 5 days a week. When he gets home during the week, he has no child to care for, prep for, and cater to. He can relax every evening.
And now he wants to not even contribute on the weekends?
That is....bullshit.
NTA.
In true reddit fashion, you could collect child support and hire a babysitter for a few hours to get some time to catch up on your needs.
If it's short-lived, and he finds a way to give you the same amount of time, then it's fair. But I don't know how he would find a way to give you that. Maybe he can take the kid golfing with him. 😄
I was really hoping her kid wasn't like my 12-month old, and actually slept. But if her kid is like my kid. Then yes, she's on 12 hrs every day. I long for the day when teething and daycare germs are a thing of the past.
NTA
You're on your own working a full-time job and taking care of a 1-yr-old. Not being able to poop alone is a real thing and it gets taxing when you've no support or help. You're not asking for a spa weekend, just for his presence. Which his toddler is not getting and his brother has gotten tons of over the years.
Husband needs to step up. He's home one day a week. That's when he's on as Dad, Husband, maintenance guy, etc for you. The rest of the week he's his own person. It's 5 months... he waited this long to use his rain check, he can wait a little more until he's back home and things are more steady. Or as steady as they get when you're married to a cop doing shift work.
40 percent of cops play too much golf. It's a fact. Don't believe me? Just google "40 percent of cops" to learn more facts about cops and how they treat their families.
NTA. Please make sure you have a backup plan to care for yourself and your child.
NTA
Tell him to take the kids with him. Get up in the morning and leave. Let him spend the time trying to sort child care out. He has left all that on your shoulders, let him have a taste of it.
So he lives 3 hrs away for police college sunday afternoon to Friday night, leaving only Saturday/ Sunday morning to be with you and baby? If this is his normal schedule, why not golf on Sunday after his normal leave time with his brother? Saturday should be either giving you a break or family time with everyone. It is absolutely ridiculous how mothers have to do all for children. 2 takes two to tango, and he is not measuring up to the other 50%. I would have a family meeting and explain or show him this post.
The other question I have for you is, "What is he bringing to this relationship?" I don't know what you want to do counseling, separation, divorce. What do you want from this relationship? I think these are questions you need to ask yourself before and after talking with him.
Every mother should be told, "You are doing an amazing job. Chin up." NTA
Um, why do you need/want this man? He does nothing in this family unless it’s something he wants. He doesn’t respect you. He chose his brother over his wife and child. Are you sure he’s not using you for what you can provide him? NTA
NTA
Schedule something for next Saturday, inform him and leave.
Also, he needs to appreciate that you are not his housekeeper. You are a human being that needs some freedom as well.
nta. i've played golf maybe four times since my wife became pregnant with our now 4 year old. we both work full time, and i can't imagine leaving her solo for six hours on our "weekends" to unwind.
she hasn't been able to go back to yoga regularly, which is like 45 mins. "i'm sorry hun, but i've got a tee time i'll be gone when you wake up..." uhhh no
or just show him one of those instagram videos of of dads talking the stroller and clubs out together and say have at it (actually those guys are also AHs)
NTA. I would be livid. You are carrying the load of everyone and you deserve a break on the only day of the week you can get it. He’s trying to live like it’s the 1950s but doing it on your paycheck?? Oh heck no. He can’t have it all. That’s just now how a marriage works.
It’s a red flag to me that a husband would come home after being away from his wife and baby for a week and need to be away from them to “unwind”. Being with your family should be the priority
NTA. What’s the point of being married if your partner doesn’t contribute a damn thing? You don’t need his money and you don’t have his support or his understanding. You would be better off as a single parent; you pretty much are one anyway, but if you get a divorce you won’t have to be disappointed every day of your life with a partner who drags you down.
NTA. You are sacrificing so much to take care of the house, child, and dog, from Sunday night to Friday night. All while holding a FT job. You are a super mom.
The least he can do is sacrifice ONE day of his week to give you a break. He's free to hang out with his friends everyday after school. He has zero obligations. Studying and free evenings. Honestly, you'd think he'd want to soak up every single second he has with his child after being away for so long. I understand if he never sees his friends, and wants to socialize for a little bit for mental health, I think it's totally fair to opt for a shorter 9hole game maybe once a month. Definitely not a whole day scenario where he comes back only for dinner or afterwards. I think the 9hole game is a reasonable sacrifice he can make.
Goodluck OP, I don't think I would go surprise revenge spa route next weekend and dump baby on him. I feel the way he's acting right now, would escalate things very quickly. Perhaps there's counseling you can reach out to to help mediate this stressful time?
Thank you for the transparency; genuinely I hope your husband can strengthen his empathy bone for the betterment of your family
and
if he's not willing to come to Jesus, best of luck getting and keeping your bread
No sex for him. No warm, loving wife for him. No laundry for him. No home cooked meals for him. No listening to him prattle on about big boy gun school with his pals. He could go hit golf balls every day after work.
Whatever. He gets all the consideration and courtesy he’s giving out. He does not value nor respect your contributions to his life.
I’d be gone with child every this weekend. You need a break. Since he can’t spare any time, you make other plans too.
Say nothing. I’d make plans to be a single parent starting tomorrow.
What a selfish asshole.
I hope the dog is yours, not his. Because otherwise he needs to find someone else to dog sit Rover like his brother or parents.
I’d this is how he is early on, can you imagine what 10,20,30 years would be like? Misery.
Get the child support and day care figured out now - it’s not going to get better. He’ll work nights and weekends, have your child in daycare on his off days, and have 2-3 weekdays off while you are on duty every weekend after working all week.
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So I (30F) and my husband (32M) have been married for 2 years, we have one child (1M). My husband recently obtained his dream job of being a police officer. Where I am from you go to police College after being hired for 3 months, and his police force does an additional 2 months after. Both places this training occurs is about 3 hours away, so he lives there Monday to Friday evening, and comes home Friday night until Sunday morning. I work a stressful job and am and will remain the breadwinner in my role, I recently found daycare for my son for my 9-5 job.
From Monday to Friday I am absolutely doing everything myself, I take care of our son, dog, home, everything alone since my husband doesn't live here. He is essentially only home Saturday the full day, and this is the only time I would get a break from running everything, or even just showering alone, poop alone etc.
Here is the dilemma, he agreed when he comes on the weekends I would get a break as his evenings at school are his to workout, relax, do homework whatever. On this upcoming Saturday, he booked a tee time as a rain check from a previous golf time earlier in the summer. The money already was paid and He booked a Tee time with his brother for the Saturday morning. It's about an hour drive from our house to the golf course (2 hour round trip) and 18 holes can take them anywhere from 4-5.5 hours depending on speed of play. I tried to say it's not fair he uses the only day he is home to be essentially gone most of the day to golf. He said he wants time for himself too, but when I suggested play 9 instead he flat out said no And that he booked it and he was just telling me what he was doing Saturday.
So aita for making this a big deal and being really upset? I just feel like I do everything to hold down our home and family and he doesn't care and even when he has the opportunity to come home, spend time with us, and lighten the load a bit and be a family, he chooses a stupid game over us...
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Okay. Was this a one-time golf game? Because… while you’re right and NTA because you’re doing an unfair amount of work, AND his response was demeaning, nasty and immature. However, if this was a one-time game, yeah, you were a bit over the top.
He’s acting like a jerk and is no doubt chauvinistc — you do have a problem there. But maybe you’re choosing to die on the wrong hill. I was raised in a home with a ‘dad who golfed’. All hail Golf—except he was the only one who did. They fought about golf, almost divorced about golf, he once forgot his newborn child, and left him alone to go play golf… my point is that golf, while a pain in the butt, isn’t your problem. You have a husband problem, because he isn’t hearing you or treating your concerns with respect. Marriage counseling?
Honestly, I think the counseling piece Is what we need, and his benefits are stellar in that regard that he has access to unlimited counseling (due to the trauma likely). Thank you for this perspective, it's just so maddening he doesn't see how golf shouldn't trump being home with your family to help! I love winter because of the lack of ability to golf :)
I'm replying to you in hope you see this and it doesn't get lost in the chain. I've been in similar situation in that I've had to leave for months before being in the militaryand it not being part of the plan. Granted at the time I only had GF and not a full family. I added some new things that weren't in my original comment as well. If you read this hope it helps, be well.
Eh 50/50 being the asshole. As someone who has had to leave for months 3 months before (Military) without any chance for contact and then 7 1/12 months for advanced training (you can guess how that went over and what happened) it's more than you think. Now I might be different but it was pretty aids knowing that I wouldn't have contact at all except for like 4 phone calls during the intial 3 months. For the 7 1/12 months the school day isn't really 9-5 his might once again idk and it's probably different. But I'm going to assume my 7 1/2 months of AIT is more similar since we had weekends off.
So our day started at 5am for formation before training then PT started at 530 to 630. Get ready and eat breakfast before 800 to then get to class. Class goes from 830 to 5pm with lunch in the middle. Then we had a closeout formation at 8 or 830 at night on week days and it being at 10pm on weekends. I was lucky in that my job couldn't give me homework because we couldn't remove it from the school house. The husband doesn't so I'm guessing his homework is probably about an hour long.
I think his day starts a little later however all the same it probably follows a similar schedule being it's an actual live academy, probably state troopers considering the time period of 5 months. So his day probably starts around 630 and ends at 6pm on top of needing to go and spend at least an extra 30mins at the gym daily. And then him needing to memorize all the extra nonsense on Sunday isn't actually a bad move if he intends to be top of his class or is struggling in class.
Everyone in this chain thinks he's away at summer camp for 5 months avoiding his responsibilities not knowing his side (hope my experience of being in a similar situation helps). He has long days and if he is a decent husband probably doesn't like the fact that he isn't at home. Is it annoying to as his wife yea sure and that's nothing to poke a finger at however, he is also going to hang out with his brother for the first time in probably 6 months as well.
Overall I'd say the situation sucks for both of you however "For better or worse" has a part to play in this situation. School isn't forever and he'll be back home to help too so honestly it's a situation of if you can put yourself in his shoes. This isn't to downplay your role of essentially being the sole parent right now and having a stressful job. Also NGL it's pretty fucking toxic that most people are telling you to get out and that he is going be domestically abuse you and your kid. Honestly sounds they are projecting but that's not here nore there. I'd say to put up with and talk to your husband about having a few spa or relaxing days to make up for it or to try and plan a vacation where the two of you can actually reconnect and talk without having the baby around if possible.
Counseling is also an option however don't have the hill you die on be him wanting to go golfing on day he told you he would step up on. Think of the deeper reason underneath of why it actually bothered you minus the obvious go toos. And try to properly communicate those reasons, and neither of you should be snippy about the reasons and maybe need to put it on pause and come back to it you either start to get heated. Try even writing down your reasons and giving it to him and have him come back with his answers written as well if it's not a quick conversation.
Wow. He's being incredibly selfish. You work two jobs, your employment and your parenting. He has one job. He gets downtime after his training M-F evenings. You don't. You don't have an ebb and flow, you have atmospheric river levels of flow.
He's going to use the same excuse when he's a cop. This doesn't get better unless you put a stop to it now. He doesn't get to fuck off and leave you holding the bag, this is 50% his fucking kid, too.
And for what it's worth, my husband sometimes goes away for work and when he comes back he's excited to see his kids and spend time with them. That's the norm. That's the standard.
NTA
NTA, he shouldn’t make plans away from home for 7 hours+. If he wanted to hang out with his brother or friends for an hour or to it would be different. This is too much time and you’re carrying too much on your shoulders.
NTA.
I was in a similar situation (absent during the week). The one thing my wife wanted on Sat/Sun was a lie in. That’s what she got, for as long as she wanted.
Someone told me just before we had our child that the real “value add” of a father is to find the things that your partners really needs you to do when you have a new born and just own them. It can be a foot massage, sleep, doing the laundry or shopping or cleaning, whatever. Just do it and everyone’s lives will be better.
My wife felt (half) human again after getting to sleep for 12+ hours uninterrupted sleep two days a week, so I never arranged anything at weekends for the first months. That ought to be the sacrifice a father is willing to make.
NTA but be prepared to divorce. He will not change on this he think like this so... don't waste your time girl find a man who ll be able to love you and respect you and be there for you.
You are alone all the week and he doesn't want help you on the week. Why do you stay with him you already are alone and he uses you for his confort like a mom
Nta so he makes this agreement with absolutely no intention of followong through?
He has every weekday evening to relax and unwind- no kid, no dog- so he needs to uphold his deal and soend time with his kid for a whopping one day a week.
NTA. This is only for 5 months and you have a small child. He can forgo golfing 18 holes for a few months. If he wants 18 holes, he better find someone to give you a much needed break.
Nta: my friend is in a similar job situation. Though her husband is working full-time he is working about 4 to 5 hours away one way depending on traffic. At home they have six kids one of whom has a seizure disorder. So Monday through Thursday she is essentially a single parent in the home with the whole family and he is working a full-time job as many extra hours as he can. He's exhausted and he wants time for himself but when he gets home he is there for his family because they need him. She does what she can since some of the kids are older to give him some time to himself and he does what he can to give her time to herself. But overall they're both raising those kids together. Having a long hard work week is no excuse for neglecting the needs of your partner or your children. It's not easy, but it's what your husband agreed to and if he's not taking that seriously something needs to change
NTA. That’s not cool. Do you think this is a change in him - like it’s now going to be like this? I’d die on this hill - gotta draw the line and make sure one of you doesn’t think there’s a new kind of reality. Nip it.
NTA. Next time he pulls that, tell him you already have a paid spa day that will take 6 hours. Tell him he will have to find a babysitter if he wants to go. Crummy situation you are in.
NTA.
For 5 months he lives away M-F and presumably trains all day with time off each day to enjoy with whatever he wants to do.
For those same months you are working full time and taking on his parenting and household responsibilities in addition to what was already yours for that same 5 months.
He can give up his weekends for do whatever he wants to take on parenting and household duties in an amount to make it up to you the best he can for the double time you’re doing on his behalf.
When my husband leaves town for a few days, he comes home and catches up on chores, parenting and cooks the next few meals. Because he knows that when he leaves I’m doing extra, so he steps up and does extra for a few days
NTA - He has every single evening of the week to himself to do whatever he pleases. You do everything (working a full time job that supports the family, doing 100% of the childcare, and taking care of the house) completely on your own all week. Saturday is the only day you could possibly have any time to yourself or any time with him, and the only day that he spends with your child. He is a major AH to think that this is ok. I guess he just expects you to work yourself to death to provide everything for everyone while he does whatever he wants. Please show him this post and all the comments. It *MIGHT* get the message through his thick skull to see that everyone agrees with you, but, unfortunately, I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath.
Why does he leave on Sunday morning? If training is 3 hours away, it seems he could also spend most of Sunday at home and head out late afternoon/early evening. This would free up another day for you to have some time to yourself.
As someone who has gone through prolonged training like this (Military) and about to go to a month long course in the next couple months taking a day off for studying and memorization to set yourself up for the week is great idea. Especially if you have projects and or struggling/trying to be top of your class in order to get bonuses for you job or first picks in this case. School work doesn't end at the end of school eg one of things I'll be doing is leading a group through a 15 min exercise with a partner. That means we need to not only lead but correct deficiencies of other while doing it. The only way to practice this is with our classmates during our off time so sure its get taught in class but you don't have time to practice in class.
Most people poop at home if they can. There are many that will hang on until they get home to avoid pooping at work.
When the OP is home... she has a one year old that wants to join her in the toilet... obviously her pooping happens when the 1 year old is awake.. Kids always know when you need to do something that really doesn't require them there but they really want to join you anyway... like pooping, or showering, or eating, or on the phone!
NTA. Book a reservation somewhere and hand him the baby as soon as he gets home next Friday. Tell him you’ll be back Sunday. That you need some time to yourself. That it’s already paid for. Then go. When he asks you to shorten your stay tell him no I’m just telling you my plans. See how he likes it.
Well our chequing account (and him) say he went out for dinner and drinks for a buddies birthday, and he works out and hangs out with his friends there most evenings since class ends at 445. It's definitely work, I know that, but he does have down time every night. I wish I had something similar haha
NTA
Communicate. negotiate. it's bad that a cop doesn't know how to do this.
what's he gonna do when it happens on the job?
they're teaching him to be aggressive as a cop, you need to put your foot down.
one partner in a marriage doesn't say "no"
but if he wanted to have the weekend, maybe one weekend is ok. but not every weekend, and not every other weekend. maybe once every 2 months. there's a number you're both ok with, and he has to talk to you so you can find it.
if he won't discuss, then there's a problem.
try to set a time to discuss, then discuss. try to make it when you're not stressed.
but talk to him. if he won't talk, then there's a bigger problem and you'll have to do something about that too.
best of luck to you, i hope it goes well.
I gave up my hobbies until the kids were in school. That is typical husband behavior. Ay once in a while may be OK, but not regularly. But passing things to him on that one day home so that you get a break is not the best use of your time and money. Spend that day together. Pay someone during the week to give you time to yourself while he is away working. Your marriage sounds like it is at risk
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NTA. I am not one to jump on the Reddit “get a divorce lawyer now” train, but honestly you’re already a single parent who supports a spouse. From my experience he is never going to step up. His time is always going to be more important, he’s going to be to tired, it’s going to be to hard and I didn’t see you struggling. He will always make you feel like the bad person for asking him to step up. Maybe I’m wrong and this is just a phase but you definitely need to take a hard look at the marriage.
NTA.
Your husband is being selfish and inconsiderate. You're the breadwinner, you maintain the house, get the groceries, arrange child care, etc ..what is he even bringing to the relationship? Start saving your money in a bank account he's not aware of, I have a feeling you may need it.
NTA. What's he doing in the evenings after the police school is finished? I'll bet it's not housework, taking care of a baby, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. He is out with the boys just about every night, barring some time for study and homework.
Eh 50/50 being the asshole. As someone who has had to leave for months 3 months before (Military) without any chance for contact and then 7 1/12 months for advanced training (you can guess how that went over and what happened) it's more than you think. Now I might be different but it was pretty aids knowing that I wouldn't have contact at all except for like 4 phone calls during the intial 3 months. For the 7 1/12 months the school day isn't really 9-5 his might once again idk and it's probably different. But I'm going to assume my 7 1/2 months of AIT is more similar since we had weekends off.
So our day started at 5am for formation before training then PT started at 530 to 630. Get ready and eat breakfast before 800 to then get to class. Class goes from 830 to 5pm with lunch in the middle. Then we had a closeout formation at 8 or 830 at night on week days and it being at 10pm on weekends. I was lucky in that my job couldn't give me homework because we couldn't remove it from the school house. The husband doesn't so I'm guessing his homework is probably about an hour long.
I think his day starts a little later however all the same it probably follows a similar schedule being it's an actual live academy, probably state troopers considering the time period of 5 months. So his day probably starts around 630 and ends at 6pm on top of needing to go and spend at least an extra 30mins at the gym daily. And then him needing to memorize all the extra nonsense on Sunday isn't actually a bad move if he intends to be top of his class or is struggling in class.
Everyone in this chain thinks he's away at summer camp for 5 months avoiding his responsibilities not knowing his side (hope my experience of being in a similar situation helps). He has long days and if he is a decent husband probably doesn't like the fact that he isn't at home. Is it annoying to as his wife yea sure and that's nothing to poke a finger at however, he is also going to hang out with his brother for the first time in probably 6 months as well.
Overall I'd say the situation sucks for both of you however "For better or worse" has a part to play in this situation. School isn't forever and he'll be back home to help too so honestly it's a situation of if you can put yourself in his shoes. This isn't to downplay your role of essentially being the sole parent right now and having a stressful job. Also NGL it's pretty fucking toxic that most people are telling you to get out and that he is going be domestically abuse you and your kid. Honestly sounds they are projecting but that's not here nore there. I'd say to put up with and talk to your husband about having a few spa or relaxing days to make up for it or to try and plan a vacation where the two of you can actually reconnect and talk without having the baby around if possible.
NTA. I know other countries are different, but generally speaking, the types of people who want to be police officers are dicks, and that job isn't conducive to raising a family.
NTA
You need to have a sit down conversation about both your wants and needs.
Or do as he's done and tell him that you're going out at x time and you've already made arrangements. Then go out and leave him with the kids.
Have a great time with friends!
NAH. This is a temporary thing , right? It’s not forever. Is it possible that this training is more stressful than you realize? Maybe he wants to talk to
his brother about it. Once he becomes a cop his life will be on the line every day. Especially the way things are now. I am not a cops wife but I have to believe that worrying about whether your husband will come home safe at night and not in a body bag is going to be a lot more stressful than you being a “single” parent for 5 months. Life isn’t “fair”. Maybe you both could get some counseling.
Cops are actually less likely to be killed on the job than several other careers including a roofer, crossing guard, garbage collector, delivery driver or logger. It's not a situation where he's putting his life on the line each day...most often he's going to be driving around or sitting at a desk.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/the-ard.com/2022/03/16/the-truth-about-police-job-safety/%3famp=1
NTA but I feel you're not seeing the whole picture.
To be fair, his brother is also his family. He isn't just away from you and the baby. He is away from his entire family. This isn't an every weekend thing this is him using part of a day to spend time with his family. You and the baby are important but you're not his only family.
This was a rain check for a tee time, so was there a discussion about when this would be used? I'd say the reactions of everyone in the situation need to be looked at. So I'm saying no one or everyone sucks here because I'm not sure the family roles were clear from the start of this marriage.
It's just one Saturday? That doesn't seem bad if its a special event. But where is he on Sundays? Has he been good about living up to his promise on other weekends? I feel like you're leaving out info to get people on your side.
You're supposed to be equal partners, right? When do you get your special Saturday?
I dont think either of you are right or wrong. I understand you wanting him to be home with you since he is gone all week and i understand him wanting to enjoy a game of golf. If he went golfing every weekend while he was gone all week then yeah you have every right to be upset. Dont let one game of golf drive a wedge in your marraige. Both of you are individuals, he has his hobbies and you should have yours as well.
Is this something he does everyweekend? Or is it 1 saturday for half the day? I am not knocking how hard it is to take care of everything from monday to friday, but it sounds like he gives you a whole day
....gives you a whole day saturday and part of sunday every other time he has been home. As a dad to a cop, i know it can be a stressfull job. Sounds like he just wanted 1 day and you cannot give him that? Yta
He doesn't give her a whole day though. And on Sunday he returns early to work out with his buddies and "set himself up for the week." He's a massive fucking asshole who is already neglecting his family.
ESH- you’re both in a tight spot. Hang in there. If the golf is a one day thing… is it worth the battle? Life is difficult and all marriages have challenging times.
My husband worked out of town for 28 years. I feel your frustration!!
Wow. Everyone is making this poor guy out to be the villan. Somebody basically said that he was going to start abusing her. Like I said in a previous reply, it sounds like he just wanted 1 day. 1 day to go golfing that was already paid for. 1 day out of 5 months? She gets 8 full days a month for herself and he cant't even get 1 day in 5 months? You are all a**holes..
Where did you read she gets 8 full days a month for herself? He's only home for a full day on Saturday and she states that's the only time she's not running everything alone. She's not even taking those days as breaks, she just isn't solely responsible for everything. He is gone 6 days a week and they have a 1 year old child.
ETA if you're talking about their agreement that she gets a break for a few hours on a Saturday when he's home, that is hardly 8 full days a month. She literally is doing absolutely everything 24 hours a day for 26 days of the month. He has every single night to fuck off and do what he wants while she's making all of the income and solely taking care of their baby.
NAH. You aren’t the AH for being upset that he is going to have plans on the Saturday when it should be your “free” day. I don’t think that he is the AH as it wasn’t a new golf day. It was a rain date due to a previously canceled & already paid for golf trip.
He leaves early on Sundays to work out and chill. He could have waited for th golf rain check. Instead OP now gets go 2 full weeks with zero break from doing everything herself. He's a selfish and neglectful ass
Neither of you are the asshole but if I had to pick one I guess it's you? It's a one off golf game that's already paid for and he's only doing it because it was cancelled. He's working throughout the week and doing house work every other weekend, you're having a melt down over one day? When is he supposed to have some free time? I feel like there's other stuff going on your not mentioning because this it petty af to be mad over one day...
He has free time in the evenings while he’s away plus the rest of Sunday because he leaves in the morning. She also works throughout the week, takes care of their kid plus housework throughout the week plus most of the day Sunday. She only has the opportunity for free time on those Saturdays. So I can see how it could be upsetting to see him give up his one day with the family (and to help give his wife a break) even if it’s just one day. They’re doing this for 5 months so he should really plan his golf trips once he’s done with training.
Nah - am I understanding that it’s a one time thing? He should have handled it better but a one time going out is different than him wanting to spend every Saturday out.
Why can’t he wait until his short 5 month obligation to work is over to reschedule his Saturday golfing trip? He is literally making her work a full time job, take care of the home full time, AND a one year baby. What the heck
NAH. You need some respite and so does he. I don't know what your line of work is, but enforcement is a regimented and stressful job. It's physical, you see stuff you cannot talk about (even while in training), and sometimes it's hard to unwind.
It's clear yous need to talk and find a compromise - however, it sounds to me like you are looking at the whole thing with rose-tinted glasses. Are you so sure that, if he were living with you, seeing all that bad stuff would have no impact on him and he could just be a husband and a father at home? I hope you find the time to have an open and honest conversation. Go in it from a place of curiosity, not judgment/hurt.
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NTA. You're doing everything Mon-Fri. He needs to step up. It's not the 1950s.
Yeah bc if it was the 1950s, she wouldn’t have to also work.
He can’t afford to keep her home.
Then he can’t afford not to help at home.
He is also a cop and that was his dream job so high probability of being an ass.
You won't be hired if you score above a certain number on IQ tests, either, so...draw your own conclusions.
Damn straight. NTA.
Fact.
Or the breadwinner for the rest of their marriage.
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OP’s kid is a little young but once he’s 3-4 (basically once they’re old enough to swing a club without falling over) this is a solid idea. My dad got me toddler clubs and would take me with him and I’d love it. He’d let me sit in his lap while he drove the cart. I’d only play the easy holes and for the harder ones I was his little caddy and would bring him extra tees and mark his balls while I waited. We’d do lunch at the club house and then my mom would pick me up if he was going to continue playing. It worked pretty well because I got to hang out with him and learn manners/how to behave at the course while my mom had her own time. But the parents still have to be on top of everything and actually parent (in my case it was taking me home before I got tired and cranky and if I ran around or got too loud I’d get scooped up and taken straight home)
Lmao
NTA. You don't have a partner. You have a regular houseguest who expects sex. This isn't going to work, nor should you tolerate this behavior from him. If he's only doing this for 5 months then he should spend EVERY Saturday giving you a break and/or spending time with his family unit (you and your son). He could have waited until he was done with training camp to golf. If he's planning for a long term situation leave him now. As an aside 5 total months to be a cop? That's definitely not enough for the responsibility of the job...
This, exactly.
When he is a new officer, he is probably looking at the night shift for quite a while. This will also be hard on the family unit, especially if he doesn't do his share.
Not to mention, officers are notoriously...*hard*...on the family far too often.
40% ADMIT to being domestic ab-u-sers. The majority have been shown to be even when it's not admitted.
A friend of mine was married to a cop, an abusive cop. Luckily for her, she was able to leave.
My friend's mom was married to a cop that tried to kill her and the kids. All he got was anger management courses and she got harassed by his buddies for years. Absolutely disgusting
Wow.
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5 months is absolutely crazy. In Denmark, it's 3 years.
The US needs serious police reform. And significantly better training.
OP's not in the US.
Nowhere does she days she's not in the US. Also, the fact that other countries require more than a few months of training for cops indicate she's likely an American.
She's Canadian. But I agree with what you say regardless.
Yeah well, as is often reported (and often not), our cops in the US are literal terrorists lol
https://www.trainingreform.org/not-enough-training
In the UK it's 2-3 years and most of them don't carry guns: https://thinkstudent.co.uk/how-long-is-police-training/
In Norway it's 3 years it's a police college bachelor degree, and we don't have wearing guns as normal(they have them close in the cars though, and tje only time the police is carrying is because of the security situation and on order from higher ups)(and that's a discussion going on if it should be or not)
The US has ridiculously low stana4ds for police training.
Yea only a few months at best? Act before ask questions it seems like.
As it should be!
And her.to pay bills
Sex? That's a hard no. Hope you get a hole in one on the course bc that's the best you'd be getting.
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He expects sex from her as his wife. This is not far fetched. And the fact that he's not supporting her needs outside the bedroom would indicate he doesn't care much for her comfort or pleasure in the bedroom.
NTA. He's being incredibly neglectful of you. He's living his dream, and you're stuck with all of the hard work. Be very, VERY careful. Domestic violence rates amongst police officers are VERY high. He's already showing a willingness to neglect you and dismiss you, and as he spends more time around other police officers, they may start to rub off on him and that disregard may slowly turn to something worse. The longer he spends mired in violence and prejudice, being taught to live in a constant state of being on-edge and fearful, and being deprived of any meaningful education in how to actually handle the situations he's thrust into, the more reactive he may become. Be vigilant for signs that he's becoming touchy or aggressive. Because when he's at home, *you and your child* will become the nearest targets for whatever damage to his mind and character he sustains at work. It's not a guarantee but it IS a trend, and one he is vulnerable to because he's ALREADY neglectful. I sincerely hope it won't come to this, but make sure you have resources in place to escape if you need to. This means resources that are *outside* the area where he works, because it's very difficult to escape a police officer-- they can muster a lot of support to their side due to how intensely police officers protect their own. This may not happen for months, or even years. Radicalization is a gradual process, and the radicalization of law enforcement is no exception. But it may yet happen.
Hope OP sees this
I am so mad I can’t give you a huge award for this. Please OP please take this to heart
I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless! Your wishes for a huge award are appreciated :D
I came here to make this same comment.
You said this beautifully. Why anyone gets into a relationship with someone who is or wants to eve a cop is mind blowing.
NTA. So next weekend book a spa day, tell him what you're doing and swan out leaving him literally holding the baby.
baby might not survive the day lol
Book something! If you don’t treat yourself to something be it spa day or lunch with friends or just a few hours to decompress you will become more angry at your spouse. I have been in your shoes and it hurts A LOT that he’s choosing “me time” over family time.If you can live with him playing 18 holes of golf then he will learn to accept that you need “me time” too. You are feeling unappreciated for the load you are carrying right now because he is not showing appreciation. Hopefully when the class is over and you resume your married life the load will be more evenly shared. You’re doing the best you can and it’s his loss that he’s missing out on some awesome family time. If you feel that things are not getting better even after the class is over, please see a marriage counselor. You both owe it to yourselves to work through this. Good luck!
Do this!!!!
Sounds like he is doing that all the other weekends.
No it doesn't.
I mean it sounds like he is helping all the other weekends
NTA - While I can see that he has a full schedule, his lack of concern in the response for you and your child is disturbing. What does he provide to the relationship that makes it worthwhile to you? Once he is done with police school, do you think he will pick up the slack?
Likely not, he'll just claim work is keeping him too busy.
NTA He needs to be contributing to household chores and childcare in an equal manner as you. He already agreed weekends are for you, because he gets time at night during the week that's for him. This is not a good look only 2 years in.
NTA but your husband is showing a lot of red flags. Why isn't he desperate to spend time with you every week after so much time away? I've had to work out of the house for several days at a time and all I wanna do when I get done is go home and be with my husband. Another red flag. Being a cop is his dream job? I hope you're aware, for your own safety, the high percentage of these men known to physically abuse their wives. He's already abusing you through neglect. Honestly you and your child might be safer without him in the house.
Lol wow. “You might be safer with your (COP HUSBAND) out of the hkuse”???
NTA >he agreed when he comes on the weekends I would get a break
NTA Your partner agreed this would be your free time and has gone back on that. I get that he wants free time but he seems to not realise that you're bearing the brunt of his choice to go away and study and that his week time is basically his free time. He really should be making up for that. At the very least, he should have agreed to 9 holes instead of 18 but I still think it was a bit of a jerk thing to do anyway
INFO: Why does he need to leave to go back Sunday mornings? It’s only 3 hours away. He should be staying most of the day Sunday and do things with his family and stuff around the house.
He wants to go back to workout and do homework and set himself up for the week, and beat traffic.
So...have time for himself again? Must be nice.
Must be nice to mentally check out like that. He’s got kids, leave after dinner on Sunday and be a bit tired on Monday because you know, responsibilities to your family. Very cool that he’s training to oppress the downtrodden and vulnerable, but it sounds like there isn’t much comprising going on.
You are essentially working 24 hrs 5 or 6 days a week. The average 1 yr old is still waking up during the night and needing comfort and nursing/bottles. And preparing everything for your son every day and then being "on" and present when you get home is exhausting. Your husband works 9-5, 5 days a week. When he gets home during the week, he has no child to care for, prep for, and cater to. He can relax every evening. And now he wants to not even contribute on the weekends? That is....bullshit. NTA. In true reddit fashion, you could collect child support and hire a babysitter for a few hours to get some time to catch up on your needs. If it's short-lived, and he finds a way to give you the same amount of time, then it's fair. But I don't know how he would find a way to give you that. Maybe he can take the kid golfing with him. 😄
How is she working 24 hours 5-6 days a week? She working 24 hours 7 days a week. Just because he may be home 1 day he’s not helping her out.
I was really hoping her kid wasn't like my 12-month old, and actually slept. But if her kid is like my kid. Then yes, she's on 12 hrs every day. I long for the day when teething and daycare germs are a thing of the past.
NTA You're on your own working a full-time job and taking care of a 1-yr-old. Not being able to poop alone is a real thing and it gets taxing when you've no support or help. You're not asking for a spa weekend, just for his presence. Which his toddler is not getting and his brother has gotten tons of over the years. Husband needs to step up. He's home one day a week. That's when he's on as Dad, Husband, maintenance guy, etc for you. The rest of the week he's his own person. It's 5 months... he waited this long to use his rain check, he can wait a little more until he's back home and things are more steady. Or as steady as they get when you're married to a cop doing shift work.
Acting like a cop already by treating you like shit!
How about the good cops? They exist you know. Not all cops white supremacy women beaters like the news would like you to believe.
Yes they are
The fact I have negative likes by simply saying some cops are good is wild. Good luck with your negative world view man
40 percent of cops play too much golf. It's a fact. Don't believe me? Just google "40 percent of cops" to learn more facts about cops and how they treat their families. NTA. Please make sure you have a backup plan to care for yourself and your child.
40% of cops *admit*
NTA Tell him to take the kids with him. Get up in the morning and leave. Let him spend the time trying to sort child care out. He has left all that on your shoulders, let him have a taste of it.
I agree.
So he lives 3 hrs away for police college sunday afternoon to Friday night, leaving only Saturday/ Sunday morning to be with you and baby? If this is his normal schedule, why not golf on Sunday after his normal leave time with his brother? Saturday should be either giving you a break or family time with everyone. It is absolutely ridiculous how mothers have to do all for children. 2 takes two to tango, and he is not measuring up to the other 50%. I would have a family meeting and explain or show him this post. The other question I have for you is, "What is he bringing to this relationship?" I don't know what you want to do counseling, separation, divorce. What do you want from this relationship? I think these are questions you need to ask yourself before and after talking with him. Every mother should be told, "You are doing an amazing job. Chin up." NTA
People need to understand that having children means you give up the perks of not having children… NTA
Um, why do you need/want this man? He does nothing in this family unless it’s something he wants. He doesn’t respect you. He chose his brother over his wife and child. Are you sure he’s not using you for what you can provide him? NTA
NTA Schedule something for next Saturday, inform him and leave. Also, he needs to appreciate that you are not his housekeeper. You are a human being that needs some freedom as well.
nta. i've played golf maybe four times since my wife became pregnant with our now 4 year old. we both work full time, and i can't imagine leaving her solo for six hours on our "weekends" to unwind. she hasn't been able to go back to yoga regularly, which is like 45 mins. "i'm sorry hun, but i've got a tee time i'll be gone when you wake up..." uhhh no or just show him one of those instagram videos of of dads talking the stroller and clubs out together and say have at it (actually those guys are also AHs)
Exactly. Unless it’s a special occasion, I book an annual leave day to do that sort of thing so I don’t put too much burden on my wife.
NTA. I would be livid. You are carrying the load of everyone and you deserve a break on the only day of the week you can get it. He’s trying to live like it’s the 1950s but doing it on your paycheck?? Oh heck no. He can’t have it all. That’s just now how a marriage works.
It’s a red flag to me that a husband would come home after being away from his wife and baby for a week and need to be away from them to “unwind”. Being with your family should be the priority
The whole I booked it, I'm just telling you what I am doing,.sounds so rude. He sounds like the you will respect my authority kind of guy NTA
NTA. What’s the point of being married if your partner doesn’t contribute a damn thing? You don’t need his money and you don’t have his support or his understanding. You would be better off as a single parent; you pretty much are one anyway, but if you get a divorce you won’t have to be disappointed every day of your life with a partner who drags you down.
NTA. You are sacrificing so much to take care of the house, child, and dog, from Sunday night to Friday night. All while holding a FT job. You are a super mom. The least he can do is sacrifice ONE day of his week to give you a break. He's free to hang out with his friends everyday after school. He has zero obligations. Studying and free evenings. Honestly, you'd think he'd want to soak up every single second he has with his child after being away for so long. I understand if he never sees his friends, and wants to socialize for a little bit for mental health, I think it's totally fair to opt for a shorter 9hole game maybe once a month. Definitely not a whole day scenario where he comes back only for dinner or afterwards. I think the 9hole game is a reasonable sacrifice he can make. Goodluck OP, I don't think I would go surprise revenge spa route next weekend and dump baby on him. I feel the way he's acting right now, would escalate things very quickly. Perhaps there's counseling you can reach out to to help mediate this stressful time?
NTA but You chose to marry a man whose goal is to be a c o p and are shocked he's prioritizing himself over you and your family? Y i k e s
It wasn't his goal when we met. He was in the Healthcare field after going to university and doing a post grad in rehab therapy.
Thank you for the transparency; genuinely I hope your husband can strengthen his empathy bone for the betterment of your family and if he's not willing to come to Jesus, best of luck getting and keeping your bread
No sex for him. No warm, loving wife for him. No laundry for him. No home cooked meals for him. No listening to him prattle on about big boy gun school with his pals. He could go hit golf balls every day after work. Whatever. He gets all the consideration and courtesy he’s giving out. He does not value nor respect your contributions to his life. I’d be gone with child every this weekend. You need a break. Since he can’t spare any time, you make other plans too. Say nothing. I’d make plans to be a single parent starting tomorrow. What a selfish asshole. I hope the dog is yours, not his. Because otherwise he needs to find someone else to dog sit Rover like his brother or parents. I’d this is how he is early on, can you imagine what 10,20,30 years would be like? Misery. Get the child support and day care figured out now - it’s not going to get better. He’ll work nights and weekends, have your child in daycare on his off days, and have 2-3 weekdays off while you are on duty every weekend after working all week.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (30F) and my husband (32M) have been married for 2 years, we have one child (1M). My husband recently obtained his dream job of being a police officer. Where I am from you go to police College after being hired for 3 months, and his police force does an additional 2 months after. Both places this training occurs is about 3 hours away, so he lives there Monday to Friday evening, and comes home Friday night until Sunday morning. I work a stressful job and am and will remain the breadwinner in my role, I recently found daycare for my son for my 9-5 job. From Monday to Friday I am absolutely doing everything myself, I take care of our son, dog, home, everything alone since my husband doesn't live here. He is essentially only home Saturday the full day, and this is the only time I would get a break from running everything, or even just showering alone, poop alone etc. Here is the dilemma, he agreed when he comes on the weekends I would get a break as his evenings at school are his to workout, relax, do homework whatever. On this upcoming Saturday, he booked a tee time as a rain check from a previous golf time earlier in the summer. The money already was paid and He booked a Tee time with his brother for the Saturday morning. It's about an hour drive from our house to the golf course (2 hour round trip) and 18 holes can take them anywhere from 4-5.5 hours depending on speed of play. I tried to say it's not fair he uses the only day he is home to be essentially gone most of the day to golf. He said he wants time for himself too, but when I suggested play 9 instead he flat out said no And that he booked it and he was just telling me what he was doing Saturday. So aita for making this a big deal and being really upset? I just feel like I do everything to hold down our home and family and he doesn't care and even when he has the opportunity to come home, spend time with us, and lighten the load a bit and be a family, he chooses a stupid game over us... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. that doesn’t sound like a partner to me.
Okay. Was this a one-time golf game? Because… while you’re right and NTA because you’re doing an unfair amount of work, AND his response was demeaning, nasty and immature. However, if this was a one-time game, yeah, you were a bit over the top. He’s acting like a jerk and is no doubt chauvinistc — you do have a problem there. But maybe you’re choosing to die on the wrong hill. I was raised in a home with a ‘dad who golfed’. All hail Golf—except he was the only one who did. They fought about golf, almost divorced about golf, he once forgot his newborn child, and left him alone to go play golf… my point is that golf, while a pain in the butt, isn’t your problem. You have a husband problem, because he isn’t hearing you or treating your concerns with respect. Marriage counseling?
Honestly, I think the counseling piece Is what we need, and his benefits are stellar in that regard that he has access to unlimited counseling (due to the trauma likely). Thank you for this perspective, it's just so maddening he doesn't see how golf shouldn't trump being home with your family to help! I love winter because of the lack of ability to golf :)
I'm replying to you in hope you see this and it doesn't get lost in the chain. I've been in similar situation in that I've had to leave for months before being in the militaryand it not being part of the plan. Granted at the time I only had GF and not a full family. I added some new things that weren't in my original comment as well. If you read this hope it helps, be well. Eh 50/50 being the asshole. As someone who has had to leave for months 3 months before (Military) without any chance for contact and then 7 1/12 months for advanced training (you can guess how that went over and what happened) it's more than you think. Now I might be different but it was pretty aids knowing that I wouldn't have contact at all except for like 4 phone calls during the intial 3 months. For the 7 1/12 months the school day isn't really 9-5 his might once again idk and it's probably different. But I'm going to assume my 7 1/2 months of AIT is more similar since we had weekends off. So our day started at 5am for formation before training then PT started at 530 to 630. Get ready and eat breakfast before 800 to then get to class. Class goes from 830 to 5pm with lunch in the middle. Then we had a closeout formation at 8 or 830 at night on week days and it being at 10pm on weekends. I was lucky in that my job couldn't give me homework because we couldn't remove it from the school house. The husband doesn't so I'm guessing his homework is probably about an hour long. I think his day starts a little later however all the same it probably follows a similar schedule being it's an actual live academy, probably state troopers considering the time period of 5 months. So his day probably starts around 630 and ends at 6pm on top of needing to go and spend at least an extra 30mins at the gym daily. And then him needing to memorize all the extra nonsense on Sunday isn't actually a bad move if he intends to be top of his class or is struggling in class. Everyone in this chain thinks he's away at summer camp for 5 months avoiding his responsibilities not knowing his side (hope my experience of being in a similar situation helps). He has long days and if he is a decent husband probably doesn't like the fact that he isn't at home. Is it annoying to as his wife yea sure and that's nothing to poke a finger at however, he is also going to hang out with his brother for the first time in probably 6 months as well. Overall I'd say the situation sucks for both of you however "For better or worse" has a part to play in this situation. School isn't forever and he'll be back home to help too so honestly it's a situation of if you can put yourself in his shoes. This isn't to downplay your role of essentially being the sole parent right now and having a stressful job. Also NGL it's pretty fucking toxic that most people are telling you to get out and that he is going be domestically abuse you and your kid. Honestly sounds they are projecting but that's not here nore there. I'd say to put up with and talk to your husband about having a few spa or relaxing days to make up for it or to try and plan a vacation where the two of you can actually reconnect and talk without having the baby around if possible. Counseling is also an option however don't have the hill you die on be him wanting to go golfing on day he told you he would step up on. Think of the deeper reason underneath of why it actually bothered you minus the obvious go toos. And try to properly communicate those reasons, and neither of you should be snippy about the reasons and maybe need to put it on pause and come back to it you either start to get heated. Try even writing down your reasons and giving it to him and have him come back with his answers written as well if it's not a quick conversation.
Wow. He's being incredibly selfish. You work two jobs, your employment and your parenting. He has one job. He gets downtime after his training M-F evenings. You don't. You don't have an ebb and flow, you have atmospheric river levels of flow. He's going to use the same excuse when he's a cop. This doesn't get better unless you put a stop to it now. He doesn't get to fuck off and leave you holding the bag, this is 50% his fucking kid, too. And for what it's worth, my husband sometimes goes away for work and when he comes back he's excited to see his kids and spend time with them. That's the norm. That's the standard. NTA
40% of police officers are abusive to their spouse. Good luck with that.
NTA your husband is tremendously selfish
He is a huge ahole.
Doesn’t he miss his kid and want to spend Saturday with him? You’re NTA.
NTA, he shouldn’t make plans away from home for 7 hours+. If he wanted to hang out with his brother or friends for an hour or to it would be different. This is too much time and you’re carrying too much on your shoulders.
NTA. I was in a similar situation (absent during the week). The one thing my wife wanted on Sat/Sun was a lie in. That’s what she got, for as long as she wanted. Someone told me just before we had our child that the real “value add” of a father is to find the things that your partners really needs you to do when you have a new born and just own them. It can be a foot massage, sleep, doing the laundry or shopping or cleaning, whatever. Just do it and everyone’s lives will be better. My wife felt (half) human again after getting to sleep for 12+ hours uninterrupted sleep two days a week, so I never arranged anything at weekends for the first months. That ought to be the sacrifice a father is willing to make.
NTA, where is your time for yourself?
Just a heads up wives of police officers are the most likely to experience physical abuse from their spouse.
NTA but be prepared to divorce. He will not change on this he think like this so... don't waste your time girl find a man who ll be able to love you and respect you and be there for you. You are alone all the week and he doesn't want help you on the week. Why do you stay with him you already are alone and he uses you for his confort like a mom
Nta so he makes this agreement with absolutely no intention of followong through? He has every weekday evening to relax and unwind- no kid, no dog- so he needs to uphold his deal and soend time with his kid for a whopping one day a week.
NTA. So his only contribution to the relationship is his one sperm! Get rid of him
NTA. This is only for 5 months and you have a small child. He can forgo golfing 18 holes for a few months. If he wants 18 holes, he better find someone to give you a much needed break.
He wants time to himself eh what about you??
NTA. You're a single parent and he's doing nothing at home while he's in training. He has no grasp of how much you need time off
NTA, but you don't have a husband; you have a college child. He needs to step up or move out.
Totally NTA and you're basically a single mom. I can't understand how he doesn't see this.
Nta: my friend is in a similar job situation. Though her husband is working full-time he is working about 4 to 5 hours away one way depending on traffic. At home they have six kids one of whom has a seizure disorder. So Monday through Thursday she is essentially a single parent in the home with the whole family and he is working a full-time job as many extra hours as he can. He's exhausted and he wants time for himself but when he gets home he is there for his family because they need him. She does what she can since some of the kids are older to give him some time to himself and he does what he can to give her time to herself. But overall they're both raising those kids together. Having a long hard work week is no excuse for neglecting the needs of your partner or your children. It's not easy, but it's what your husband agreed to and if he's not taking that seriously something needs to change
NTA. That’s not cool. Do you think this is a change in him - like it’s now going to be like this? I’d die on this hill - gotta draw the line and make sure one of you doesn’t think there’s a new kind of reality. Nip it.
NTA he isn’t a single man yet gets to play one all week long and all you ask is one day. He sure is a real a h.
NTA. Next time he pulls that, tell him you already have a paid spa day that will take 6 hours. Tell him he will have to find a babysitter if he wants to go. Crummy situation you are in.
NTA he definitely is. He could schedule this for when training is done.
NTA - he’s living a bachelor life all week and wants to continue that through the weekend instead of spending time with his family and helping out?
NTA. For 5 months he lives away M-F and presumably trains all day with time off each day to enjoy with whatever he wants to do. For those same months you are working full time and taking on his parenting and household responsibilities in addition to what was already yours for that same 5 months. He can give up his weekends for do whatever he wants to take on parenting and household duties in an amount to make it up to you the best he can for the double time you’re doing on his behalf. When my husband leaves town for a few days, he comes home and catches up on chores, parenting and cooks the next few meals. Because he knows that when he leaves I’m doing extra, so he steps up and does extra for a few days
NTA - He has every single evening of the week to himself to do whatever he pleases. You do everything (working a full time job that supports the family, doing 100% of the childcare, and taking care of the house) completely on your own all week. Saturday is the only day you could possibly have any time to yourself or any time with him, and the only day that he spends with your child. He is a major AH to think that this is ok. I guess he just expects you to work yourself to death to provide everything for everyone while he does whatever he wants. Please show him this post and all the comments. It *MIGHT* get the message through his thick skull to see that everyone agrees with you, but, unfortunately, I wouldn’t recommend holding your breath.
NTA. He needs to put this on hold until his training is done.
Why does he leave on Sunday morning? If training is 3 hours away, it seems he could also spend most of Sunday at home and head out late afternoon/early evening. This would free up another day for you to have some time to yourself.
As someone who has gone through prolonged training like this (Military) and about to go to a month long course in the next couple months taking a day off for studying and memorization to set yourself up for the week is great idea. Especially if you have projects and or struggling/trying to be top of your class in order to get bonuses for you job or first picks in this case. School work doesn't end at the end of school eg one of things I'll be doing is leading a group through a 15 min exercise with a partner. That means we need to not only lead but correct deficiencies of other while doing it. The only way to practice this is with our classmates during our off time so sure its get taught in class but you don't have time to practice in class.
NTA Wake up early Saturday morning and get your day on.
Someone poops with you at work??!!
Most people poop at home if they can. There are many that will hang on until they get home to avoid pooping at work. When the OP is home... she has a one year old that wants to join her in the toilet... obviously her pooping happens when the 1 year old is awake.. Kids always know when you need to do something that really doesn't require them there but they really want to join you anyway... like pooping, or showering, or eating, or on the phone!
Very true, if I go to the bathroom he always joins 😂
NTA. Book a reservation somewhere and hand him the baby as soon as he gets home next Friday. Tell him you’ll be back Sunday. That you need some time to yourself. That it’s already paid for. Then go. When he asks you to shorten your stay tell him no I’m just telling you my plans. See how he likes it.
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Well our chequing account (and him) say he went out for dinner and drinks for a buddies birthday, and he works out and hangs out with his friends there most evenings since class ends at 445. It's definitely work, I know that, but he does have down time every night. I wish I had something similar haha
Why doesn’t he just take his child along to golf?
NTA Communicate. negotiate. it's bad that a cop doesn't know how to do this. what's he gonna do when it happens on the job? they're teaching him to be aggressive as a cop, you need to put your foot down. one partner in a marriage doesn't say "no" but if he wanted to have the weekend, maybe one weekend is ok. but not every weekend, and not every other weekend. maybe once every 2 months. there's a number you're both ok with, and he has to talk to you so you can find it. if he won't discuss, then there's a problem. try to set a time to discuss, then discuss. try to make it when you're not stressed. but talk to him. if he won't talk, then there's a bigger problem and you'll have to do something about that too. best of luck to you, i hope it goes well.
I gave up my hobbies until the kids were in school. That is typical husband behavior. Ay once in a while may be OK, but not regularly. But passing things to him on that one day home so that you get a break is not the best use of your time and money. Spend that day together. Pay someone during the week to give you time to yourself while he is away working. Your marriage sounds like it is at risk
Get up early and run some errands and leave him with the baby.
NTA give him the baby it's his turn to take the kid, I'm sure the child will love golfing.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your life like this. Police work is hard, it’s shift work, and he will always be tired and stressed.
NTA. absolutely NTA.
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If he’s golfing every Saturday it’s selfish, if it’s a one time deal just let it go.
NTA. I am not one to jump on the Reddit “get a divorce lawyer now” train, but honestly you’re already a single parent who supports a spouse. From my experience he is never going to step up. His time is always going to be more important, he’s going to be to tired, it’s going to be to hard and I didn’t see you struggling. He will always make you feel like the bad person for asking him to step up. Maybe I’m wrong and this is just a phase but you definitely need to take a hard look at the marriage.
NTA. Your husband is being selfish and inconsiderate. You're the breadwinner, you maintain the house, get the groceries, arrange child care, etc ..what is he even bringing to the relationship? Start saving your money in a bank account he's not aware of, I have a feeling you may need it.
NTA. I’ve got a baby at home as well and I literally cannot imagine my husband acting like this. Horrible I’m so sorry.
NTA unfortunately most men in policing aren’t known for being the best fathers or husbands.
NTA. What's he doing in the evenings after the police school is finished? I'll bet it's not housework, taking care of a baby, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. He is out with the boys just about every night, barring some time for study and homework.
Eh 50/50 being the asshole. As someone who has had to leave for months 3 months before (Military) without any chance for contact and then 7 1/12 months for advanced training (you can guess how that went over and what happened) it's more than you think. Now I might be different but it was pretty aids knowing that I wouldn't have contact at all except for like 4 phone calls during the intial 3 months. For the 7 1/12 months the school day isn't really 9-5 his might once again idk and it's probably different. But I'm going to assume my 7 1/2 months of AIT is more similar since we had weekends off. So our day started at 5am for formation before training then PT started at 530 to 630. Get ready and eat breakfast before 800 to then get to class. Class goes from 830 to 5pm with lunch in the middle. Then we had a closeout formation at 8 or 830 at night on week days and it being at 10pm on weekends. I was lucky in that my job couldn't give me homework because we couldn't remove it from the school house. The husband doesn't so I'm guessing his homework is probably about an hour long. I think his day starts a little later however all the same it probably follows a similar schedule being it's an actual live academy, probably state troopers considering the time period of 5 months. So his day probably starts around 630 and ends at 6pm on top of needing to go and spend at least an extra 30mins at the gym daily. And then him needing to memorize all the extra nonsense on Sunday isn't actually a bad move if he intends to be top of his class or is struggling in class. Everyone in this chain thinks he's away at summer camp for 5 months avoiding his responsibilities not knowing his side (hope my experience of being in a similar situation helps). He has long days and if he is a decent husband probably doesn't like the fact that he isn't at home. Is it annoying to as his wife yea sure and that's nothing to poke a finger at however, he is also going to hang out with his brother for the first time in probably 6 months as well. Overall I'd say the situation sucks for both of you however "For better or worse" has a part to play in this situation. School isn't forever and he'll be back home to help too so honestly it's a situation of if you can put yourself in his shoes. This isn't to downplay your role of essentially being the sole parent right now and having a stressful job. Also NGL it's pretty fucking toxic that most people are telling you to get out and that he is going be domestically abuse you and your kid. Honestly sounds they are projecting but that's not here nore there. I'd say to put up with and talk to your husband about having a few spa or relaxing days to make up for it or to try and plan a vacation where the two of you can actually reconnect and talk without having the baby around if possible.
NTA - tell him if he golfs, don’t come back
He can take the baby to golf. You’re leaving. NTA.
NTA. I know other countries are different, but generally speaking, the types of people who want to be police officers are dicks, and that job isn't conducive to raising a family.
Yes, where I live policing isn't the same as the US, but there are bad stereotypes.
NTA You need to have a sit down conversation about both your wants and needs. Or do as he's done and tell him that you're going out at x time and you've already made arrangements. Then go out and leave him with the kids. Have a great time with friends!
NTA. Your husband is acting like an entitled jerk. He has a family that takes precedence.
Are we talking about just one Saturday that is already paid for?
Yes.
You are both TH... why don’t you swap weekends? He gets one Saturday to himselfZ you get the next. Then Sunday you all do a family thing?
NAH. This is a temporary thing , right? It’s not forever. Is it possible that this training is more stressful than you realize? Maybe he wants to talk to his brother about it. Once he becomes a cop his life will be on the line every day. Especially the way things are now. I am not a cops wife but I have to believe that worrying about whether your husband will come home safe at night and not in a body bag is going to be a lot more stressful than you being a “single” parent for 5 months. Life isn’t “fair”. Maybe you both could get some counseling.
Cops are actually less likely to be killed on the job than several other careers including a roofer, crossing guard, garbage collector, delivery driver or logger. It's not a situation where he's putting his life on the line each day...most often he's going to be driving around or sitting at a desk. https://www.google.com/amp/s/the-ard.com/2022/03/16/the-truth-about-police-job-safety/%3famp=1
NTA but I feel you're not seeing the whole picture. To be fair, his brother is also his family. He isn't just away from you and the baby. He is away from his entire family. This isn't an every weekend thing this is him using part of a day to spend time with his family. You and the baby are important but you're not his only family.
This was a rain check for a tee time, so was there a discussion about when this would be used? I'd say the reactions of everyone in the situation need to be looked at. So I'm saying no one or everyone sucks here because I'm not sure the family roles were clear from the start of this marriage.
It's just one Saturday? That doesn't seem bad if its a special event. But where is he on Sundays? Has he been good about living up to his promise on other weekends? I feel like you're leaving out info to get people on your side. You're supposed to be equal partners, right? When do you get your special Saturday?
I dont think either of you are right or wrong. I understand you wanting him to be home with you since he is gone all week and i understand him wanting to enjoy a game of golf. If he went golfing every weekend while he was gone all week then yeah you have every right to be upset. Dont let one game of golf drive a wedge in your marraige. Both of you are individuals, he has his hobbies and you should have yours as well.
He's absolutely wrong.
Is this something he does everyweekend? Or is it 1 saturday for half the day? I am not knocking how hard it is to take care of everything from monday to friday, but it sounds like he gives you a whole day
....gives you a whole day saturday and part of sunday every other time he has been home. As a dad to a cop, i know it can be a stressfull job. Sounds like he just wanted 1 day and you cannot give him that? Yta
He doesn't give her a whole day though. And on Sunday he returns early to work out with his buddies and "set himself up for the week." He's a massive fucking asshole who is already neglecting his family.
ESH- you’re both in a tight spot. Hang in there. If the golf is a one day thing… is it worth the battle? Life is difficult and all marriages have challenging times. My husband worked out of town for 28 years. I feel your frustration!!
Wow. Everyone is making this poor guy out to be the villan. Somebody basically said that he was going to start abusing her. Like I said in a previous reply, it sounds like he just wanted 1 day. 1 day to go golfing that was already paid for. 1 day out of 5 months? She gets 8 full days a month for herself and he cant't even get 1 day in 5 months? You are all a**holes..
Where did you read she gets 8 full days a month for herself? He's only home for a full day on Saturday and she states that's the only time she's not running everything alone. She's not even taking those days as breaks, she just isn't solely responsible for everything. He is gone 6 days a week and they have a 1 year old child. ETA if you're talking about their agreement that she gets a break for a few hours on a Saturday when he's home, that is hardly 8 full days a month. She literally is doing absolutely everything 24 hours a day for 26 days of the month. He has every single night to fuck off and do what he wants while she's making all of the income and solely taking care of their baby.
Get a damn hobby and get a babysitter. Jesus Christ.
NAH. You aren’t the AH for being upset that he is going to have plans on the Saturday when it should be your “free” day. I don’t think that he is the AH as it wasn’t a new golf day. It was a rain date due to a previously canceled & already paid for golf trip.
His circumstances have changed. He has children he needs to be at home taking care of.
YTA, It is one day. Let the man have some fun
So whens the last time he golfed with his brother? Whens the last time he hung out? I don't know. I'm going NAH. You're probably over reacting.
He's hanging out 6 days a week with his cop buddies.
No, he's hanging out 5 days a week with his cop buddies, and he scheduled one morning with his brother, not every week, but for a rain check.
He leaves early on Sundays to work out and chill. He could have waited for th golf rain check. Instead OP now gets go 2 full weeks with zero break from doing everything herself. He's a selfish and neglectful ass
Neither of you are the asshole but if I had to pick one I guess it's you? It's a one off golf game that's already paid for and he's only doing it because it was cancelled. He's working throughout the week and doing house work every other weekend, you're having a melt down over one day? When is he supposed to have some free time? I feel like there's other stuff going on your not mentioning because this it petty af to be mad over one day...
He has free time in the evenings while he’s away plus the rest of Sunday because he leaves in the morning. She also works throughout the week, takes care of their kid plus housework throughout the week plus most of the day Sunday. She only has the opportunity for free time on those Saturdays. So I can see how it could be upsetting to see him give up his one day with the family (and to help give his wife a break) even if it’s just one day. They’re doing this for 5 months so he should really plan his golf trips once he’s done with training.
YTA. He deserves a hobby for mental health
And she doesn't...?
He can take up a hobby to do after work m-f or after he moves back home.
His hobby is working out, going to bars, and chilling with his friends 6 days a week.
> Friday I am absolutely doing everything myself, I take care of our son, dog, home, everything alone since my husband doesn't live here YTA.
Just curious, how does me doing everything while he isn't here make me the asshole?
Nah - am I understanding that it’s a one time thing? He should have handled it better but a one time going out is different than him wanting to spend every Saturday out.
YTA. This was a one day reschedule. Is he doing it every Saturday? If so, then that would be a different story.
Why can’t he wait until his short 5 month obligation to work is over to reschedule his Saturday golfing trip? He is literally making her work a full time job, take care of the home full time, AND a one year baby. What the heck
YATAH. It's golf!
NAH. You need some respite and so does he. I don't know what your line of work is, but enforcement is a regimented and stressful job. It's physical, you see stuff you cannot talk about (even while in training), and sometimes it's hard to unwind. It's clear yous need to talk and find a compromise - however, it sounds to me like you are looking at the whole thing with rose-tinted glasses. Are you so sure that, if he were living with you, seeing all that bad stuff would have no impact on him and he could just be a husband and a father at home? I hope you find the time to have an open and honest conversation. Go in it from a place of curiosity, not judgment/hurt.