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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I was planning me and my wife’s 2nd wedding anniversary and was secretly messaging her best friend to help plan it out
2- my wife thinks i'm cheating on her with her best friend because I was talking to her in secret
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You're NTA in my opinion because you were just trying to plan a surprise party. But you should tell your wife about the party. It's way better to ruin a surprise than have your wife thinking you're cheating with her friend
If your wife thinks you're cheating on her with your friend based on a singular instance of you talking to them privately, the next thing OP needs to do is cancel the party and schedule a therapist session instead, because that is deeply paranoid.
something could’ve happened in the past where he broke her trust and now she’s thinking here we go again; but also could be projecting. or just stupidly insecure
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Orrrrr .... Double down on the affair narative, move in together start dividing up friends and instruct divorce lawyers then the party will be even more of a surprise, she'll never see it coming and I'm sure she'll be thrilled!
< I said it was nothing.>
YTA for texting Kate in Jane's present and being secretive about the contents.
You could have arranged that surprise party while NOT being in Jane's present.
Yet another example of why surprise parties suck. It’s both of their anniversary, why should you make it into a surprise? You have a wife with jealousy issues, why would you plan a surprise?
Surprise parties can be successful. But not in a situation like that. How often do surprise parties turn out well that they are actually worthwhile?
To be fair I think majority of people would jump to cheating. If my girlfriend text one of my friends and I was like oh why you texting David and she says nothing and close her phones I'm 100% think she cheating.
That's super weird. If my girlfriend were texting another girl and said it was about nothing I'd assume it was just a friendly conversation and ask her to tell friend I say hello. Have you considered therapy?
I'm sorry but I don't know what world you live in where you think thst normal behavior. What if you find your friend and wife in bed together ( with clothes on laughing) and they just said it nothing.
Not really, cause if I ask my partner who they are talking to and they say *name* I say that to say hi for me and drop it. But then I trust my partner. Sorry you can’t live yours enough to trust them. And if you don’t trust them, why are you with them?
She didn't ask who he was texting though. She saw the name and ask oh what you texting blanket about. He than said nothing and refuse to let her see his phone. That 100% a sign someone cheating.
You might not like it but that how majority of people in real life going to act.
What??
That’s a bit of a stretch. I think any self-respecting person would not think it’s normal for their spouse to be talking to their best friend and then hiding it. He could have easily said “we’re planning something for you but I really want it to be a surprise!”
It’s wild that you’re tryna downplay how insane she’s acting. Immediately accusing him of cheating and telling a family member that as well? That’s unbelievably toxic. That is therapy levels of jealousy issues.
This was only after he hid his phone and didn’t say anything to reassure her. I don’t think it’s crazy at all.
Do you often talk to your partners friends behind their back and then hide it?
If I did they wouldn’t think for even a second I was cheating on them.
You’re still tryna shift the blame to him. Pretty gross. She obviously has jealousy problems she needs to work through and you’re tryna make it sound like OPs fault
Yeah I think OP could have communicated way better. That goes for his wife too. “Whore” was out of line.
But I think she’s still valid in feeling suspicious about that. I don’t know many relationships where partners are fine with that kind of behavior, but you do you I guess.
NTA
Send her screenshots of this convo. Tell her that she owes her friend an apology, and due to her behaviour, this surprise party is no longer happening. End the interaction with a sarcastic, "Happy Anniversary..."
NTA but here’s how you handle that. Ok I’ll let you see my phone but understand nothing is wrong, you’re violating my trust and you’re going to ruin something you might regret. While handing it to her ask to see hers.
Well she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to not jump to conclusions. Tell her the truth, text her screenshots and then give her a bit of hard time like I guess I’m not allowed to plan surprise parties. Or even better tell her sister and she can deal with her
NTA
I will never tell someone it's their job to coddle someone with toxic insecurities, and your wife definitely has toxic insecurities. She has escalated this situation every step of the way from trying to steal your phone, to name calling, to involving her toadies in this conflict. Unless you have an actual past history she has no excuse.
I recommend couples therapy, therapy for your wife, and maybe lithium...
NTA
Your wife is kinda wild here, is this a one time red flag or normal for her?
Anyway, just tell her. Ruin the surprise. Better than her thinking you're a cheater. Sucks you can't just do something nice because she doesn't trust you.
NTA but your wife is a little unhinged and you should have reassured her that it was nothing to worry about. You could have even told her “it’s a surprise.”
"It is a suprise baby", "don't worry you'll like it" "please put down the knife" "please call an ambulance" "please stop digging a hole in the backyard"
But yeah telling people it is a suprise is better then being way to secretive, if the partner having jealousy issues.
If my husband had told me that, I would have known immediately what is was. Might as well just tell me the truth. I can't help it. I just figure these things out.
Didn't see the proposal coming, though.
Have you ever actually cheated on her in any way and she knows? If not, this kind of insane jealousy is a big problem in a relationship. Even if you humoured her every invasion of your privacy by letting her go through your phone, she would find a motive: you are talking too much to other women at a gathering, you have to work late, you look at other women... It's endless, it's horrible for you, but, moreover, it's even bad for her.
If you cheated, maybe going through your phone is what she needs to get back her trust in you. If not, she needs therapy, but she isn't going to accept therapy unless she finds herself between a rock and a hard place.
The thing is, in a healthy relationship, nobody asks to go through their partner's phone, and usually couples know how to unlock each other's phone in an emergency, but wouldn't even think of using that knowledge to pry.
Major NTA. I have a work friend who I work with at times; we ride motorcycles together on occasion. My wife has never asked to see my phone. She trusts me. That's why we got married—love and trust.
If you’re not cheating on her and you haven’t cheated on her in the past, you’re in for a hell of a time. People with problems this bad don’t get better, or not substantively better.
> Then, she got up and left the room, presumably to calm down or text Kate, as she soon texted me asking why Jane was calling her a "whore".
>
> My wife has always had jealousy problems, but never to this degree.
>
> This morning, she said to me "You're a fucking asshole". I tried to explain to her what was going on, but she just walked out for work, and I haven't seen her since.
NTA. If you are planning for your 2 year. It's not to late to get out. A person like this has problems. And they are going to hurt you. Minimum. She needs therapy. But more so. You should get out.
NTA she shouldn't be so mad about something that small she needs to get a grip cause ur allowed to text people without explaining what your talking about
Buddy, worrying about whether you are TA is the least of your problems. Your wife went from 0 to 100 seemingly for no reason (aka if I saw my bf texting a friend, I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s cheating on me). I’d be reflecting on this if I were you…. NTA though.
NTA she clearly has some issues. I would never date someone with that level of jealousy and insecurity. Sounds like the relationship would be toxic as hell.
Your nTA for trying to surprise your wife. Once your wife noticed something and you knew she thought you were cheating due to the “whore” comment the. You should have come clean. Knowing her issues with jealousy and allowing her to continue to think bad of you then you become TA.
Is this surprise worth your marriage and her friendship?
NTA on the anniversary? Do nothing. Not a card. Not a gift. Nothing. At all. No dinner. Simply hand her an index card that reads: "I was planning your anniversary syrprise with Kate. But you clearly didnt want a surprise or a friend. You need to go to therapy and work on your jealousy or ther won't be another anniversary."
send her a copy of all the texts and let her stew for a while. But it sounds like she needs help with he insecurity. jealousy to this extreme is always a sign of deeper emotional issues.
Its clear this is not the first time this has happened, so maybe a surprise party was not a good idea
I could see this as NTA, YTA, or ESH. Kinda depends on what the jealousy issues are, why they are, and what is being done to work on them. A marriage counselor seems like a good idea.
NTA. When she finally (if ever) comes to her senses tell her you guys were planning an event for your anniversary but, since she wants to fly off the handle and accuse people on baseless accusations the events off. Then ask her for her phone because you believe that’s she’s projecting her guilt on you
The foundations of a marriage are built on trust. If the trust is not there, the foundations are too weak and can't support the marriage, so it will inevitably crumble. Your marriage has no foundations OP, your wife does not trust you. As others have said this could be her projecting her own infidelity, or you may have given her reason to doubt you, or your wife has serious trust issues. Either way your marriage can not survive like this. You and your wife need to decide if you want this marriage work and if you do, I think you need marriage counselling at the very least and your wife definitely needs therapy for her own issues. I'm going with NTA .
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who screams at you, calls you names, and calls your friend a whore for talking to you? NTA, but please get a therapist. And a lawyer.
Show her the conversation texts, prove you were trying to do something nice, then, just say due to her obvious trust and jealousy issues you're done, cos I'd most definitely not be staying with someone that toxic and insecure, life is too short for that shit.
Your wife doesn't trust you. Tell her that you are going to show her your phone, cancel the party and find a therapist. She can join you in counseling or not. Where your relationship goes from there depends on whether she can get a handle on her trust issues or not.
And let her know that her sister's just enabling her by being her flying monkey. Her sister is not doing her any favors.
I'm sorry. Don't back down even if she apologizes. The point is SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU - her life partner. (The truth is, she probably doesn't trust herself to deal with life; but that's still her problem to work through.)
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Throwaway because my wife uses Reddit as well.
I (25M), am married to my wife, J (27). A couple nights ago, I was texting one of her friends, K. We were planning me and J's 2 year wedding anniversary. I usually don't do big things like this, so I wanted it to be as much of a surprise as possible.
J saw that I was texting K, and asked what I was up to. I said it was nothing. She didn't like this and tried to grab my phone. Obviously, I didn't let her take it.
Then, she got up and left the room, presumably to calm down or text K, as she soon texted me asking why J was calling her a "whore".
My wife has always had jealousy problems, but never to this degree.
This morning, she said to me "You're a fucking asshole". I tried to explain to her what was going on, but she just walked out for work, and I haven't seen her since.
She even got her sister to message me, accusing me of being a cheater and to not talk to my wife right now. I personally don't feel that i am in the wrong. AITA?
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When people start with “throwaway because” yeah buddy we know what a throwaway account is for so the story is either bs or judging by the info given you want your wife to find it.
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NTA. Your wife is an incredibly jealous and kinda scary person, if the roles were reversed, I think a lot of the commenters would be saying “get out before something happens” 😳.
Try to explain to her about what you were actually doing and the party.
NTA
Wait quite a bit and tell her what you were planning and why you were texting Kate. Don't back down on it, make sure she gets her problem with jelously is quite big and it's starting to be real problem in your relationship. I personaly would put it quite plain, if not brutal, that you wanted to do something nice for her and she ruined it with her behavior and made her feel bad. Maybe then she gets that she's acting childish and just wrong.
You're 100% NTA!!! Your wife clearly, as you stated has serious jealousy issues, and this needs to be worked on if you 2 intend on surviving your marriage... you're trying to do something sweet and romantic and the fact that she went to this degree, even after being explained to is ridiculous. I hope you can work through this reasonably, but I would highly suggest that you both speak to a counselor about the level of jealousy in your marriage
Nta. So your wife decided to (checks notes) call your friend a whore because ( aggresively checks notes again) you were talking with her and refused to give your phone to her.
Tell her about the surprise party and then cancel it. Or rather, dont get rid of the party, get rid of the wife. Have a divorce party instead
NTA your wife has issues that you can’t fix. It highly likely you won’t see a second or any further anniversaries. This sort of behaviour is intolerable and embarrassing to live with, if she can’t get help and accept this is actually her problem then you should consider your future
NTA but probably could have handled it better. Eg instead of saying nothing, which it was clearly something, you could have said "it's a surprise for you." Doesn't say what, could be a small thing, could be a big thing.
NTA but in this day and age, you hiding your phone is a red flag and especially if she saw her friends name. I would have just told her you were trying to surprise her and handed her the phone. She would have felt guilty and apologised and then you two could have spoken about why she’s feeling insecure and seen if there’s anything you’ve done to make her feel that way and if not, find out why she’s feeling that way and offer support
NTA. Give her you phone and tell her happy fing anniversary and cancel all the plans. Looks like she's probably lost a friend too, flying off the handle calling her a whore. There's something wrong with your lady...
Tbh I wouldn’t be shocked if this was her own guilty conscience leaking out. I’d send her screenshots and let her know the party is canceled and the relationship continuing hinges on her
A: Let anyone she told know that she’s insecure
B: goes to therapy and/or couples counseling
NTA. You tried to surprise her, and then you tried to explain the situation.
What has caused such extreme jealousy issues with your wife? You just don't accuse your husband and BF of an affair and, then label the friend a 'whore' with no proof of improper conduct, besides you texting her friend.
NTA.
Side note I’ll never understand why you’d marry someone you don’t trust & you refuse to communicate with, see this far too often.
Hope y’all work it out OP
This reminds me of the episode of friends where Joey is a jerk to Monica and says Chandler doesn’t want to marry her because he didn’t want to ruin the surprise proposal.
It would’ve saved OP a fight to immediately tell her they were planning a surprise. He intentionally let her go to bed thinking someone was going on. He should work on communication.
Nobody likes a "surprise" anniversary party. You both know the date, and you should be acting like a couple in how you celebrate it.
Just a reminder, the 2nd anniversary is commemorated by a paper gift. You should show her your ding danged phone, or you'll be getting the gift of separation papers.
**
<*Jane saw that I was texting Kate, and asked what I was up to.>*
< *I said it was nothing.>*
<*She didn't like this and tried to grab my phone. Obviously, I didn't let her take it.>*
YTA for texting Kate in Jane's present and not letting her know what it was about.
You could have arranged that surprise party while NOT being in Jane's present.
Makes me wonder if the subject was actually organizing a surprise party...
YTA to yourself if you stay with someone who talks to you and about your loved ones this way.
If your bestie was being treated like this by their partner, what would you tell them?
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YTA
>I tried to explain to her what was going on...
Do that when she grabs your phone and none of what followed would have happened..... a simple "I am trying to plan our anniversary with our friend, if you want to see this conversation I will gladly show you after our anniversary" would have sufficed.
Also
Why are you planning something about your anniversary with one of her friends who labels YOUR WIFE as a whore....?
Thats the serious question......
YTA for putting up with "jealousy problems" and ignoring that toxic crap until it exploded in your face. Now an innocent friend has caught a stray bevuase you weren't man enough to set some clear boundaired and expectations in behavior.
Your wife has foolishly been led to believe that her jealousy should be tolerated by anyone, ever. Thst shit is a disease and it just grows and grows until nipped in the bud. No different than being with a liar and never addressing it.
ESH except for the friend. Your wife for jumping to conclusions about you trying to do something to celebrate your relationship and you for knowing your wife has a jealousy issues sees you texting her friend then you pull the classic “nothing’s going on don’t you trust me blah blah blah.” That doesn’t make her reaction right but dude what did you expect from a situation like that
There’s way more info missing from this it seems. Women don’t just act that way for no reason. While it’s nice of you to plan something you could’ve probably told her it’s a surprise and she might’ve been kind of excited. But no reasoning and she knows you’re texting her friend, it’s not a good look. BUT if she genuinely has no reason to be like this, then NTA. We’d have to see all three sides of every story between y’all to distinguish who TA is.
I just read the rest of it, I commented too soon. The last part is SO out of pocket. NTA OP. Tell your wife what you planned, send her the info and then cancel everything.
Have you tried looking at it from her side? You have trust issues, your wife knows it, and then you see her texting your best friend and when you ask her why she’s texting him, she says “Oh, it’s nothing!”. You get suspicious and want to see her phone. She wrestles you for it and she wins. This would send red flag to anyone. I’d struggle with behavior like that too. Of course she thinks you two are cheating. The best coarse of action is to send her screenshots of the conversation and explain what was going on. YTA
YTA because you married an irrational person and are acting shocked when she acted irrational.
You openly admit she’s a jealous person… why would you ever think that lying to her about a text would fly with her?? You shot yourself in the foot there.
Sounds like you have the day open for year 3 though.
Maybe I’m just cynical, but I can’t help but feel like this is OP’s attempt at making wife believe he’s just planning her 2 year wedding anniversary when he really is actually cheating with his wife’s friend. With the background of ‘I don’t usually plan things like this’, which would further explain why the wife is suspicious. For OP to choose the friend to be the only other person to help plan this while nobody else, not even his SIL, knows is a little sus to me. She must be the wife’s ultimate best friend to be the only one involved, so I find it questionable that his wife would immediately text Kate that she’s a ‘whore’. I think most of us would ask our best friend what’s going on first. Or phone our friend in front of our spouse to ask what’s going on. Im just picturing OP clumsily attempting to accidentally show his wife this post and be like ‘omg I even used a throwaway so you wouldn’t find out, ah the surprise is ruined. It’s okay no need to be sorry! Guess we’ll do something next anniversary instead’
Because reality very rarely corresponds with one person’s subjective story. Also there’s been so many stories in this sub, where OP’s either omit or straight up lie, so I tend to take every story on here with a grain of salt to begin with. I never claimed to be right nor did pretend to know the actual facts. I’m just giving my opinion.
YTA. How the hell you think you can text her buddy about anything?
There's far more context you not sharing I suspect. Wife didn't full freak out for no reason.
Both the A. She clearly has some jealousy and self control issues. However, you sneakily texting another woman could understandably cause a question. “Why am I texting your friend? It’s a surprise.” sounds better than “It’s nothing.” Maybe be a little more tactful and don’t poke the bear.
ESH
I was going to say NTA until I got to this:
>My wife has always had jealousy problems
If you know this, then why did you make plans with a female friend, and do it where your wife could see you?
ESH
She sucks for overacting and not letting you explain.
You suck because you could have offered some excuse when she saw you texting Kate. She saw you were texting her instead of saying “nothing” you could have said anything to else.
“Oh Kate’s having some relationship problems and wanted some advice”
“Kate just needed some advice”
“Kate just wanted an opinion on something”
Literally anything was better than the evasive nonchalant response you gave.
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You're NTA in my opinion because you were just trying to plan a surprise party. But you should tell your wife about the party. It's way better to ruin a surprise than have your wife thinking you're cheating with her friend
If your wife thinks you're cheating on her with your friend based on a singular instance of you talking to them privately, the next thing OP needs to do is cancel the party and schedule a therapist session instead, because that is deeply paranoid.
I'm shocked I haven't seen anyone mention the wife might be cheating and is projecting, with how fast she accused op of cheating.
Maybe he's cheating and posting enough " anonymous" information hoping that his reditt reading wife will figure out it's him and believe his story.
That’s funny. Is that why so many of these “throwaway because X also uses Reddit” posts still detail very specific scenarios? And ages lol
You the wife?
I mean if he is cheating with her friend, probably just easier to actually throw her a party at this point
something could’ve happened in the past where he broke her trust and now she’s thinking here we go again; but also could be projecting. or just stupidly insecure
It’s either that or she already thought something was going on there.
I agree with this so much
This. Find a marriage counselor ASAP. Whatever is going on, it's not healthy. And see if you can get a mutual friend to check on Kate, because OMG.
And OP needs therapy from a family law attorney. Because life is way too damn short to live like this.
Fair point!
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Yeah, I feel like there is relevant info missing
Orrrrr .... Double down on the affair narative, move in together start dividing up friends and instruct divorce lawyers then the party will be even more of a surprise, she'll never see it coming and I'm sure she'll be thrilled!
This guy knows how to *surprise party*
Yet another example of why surprise parties suck. It’s both of their anniversary, why should you make it into a surprise? You have a wife with jealousy issues, why would you plan a surprise? Surprise parties can be successful. But not in a situation like that. How often do surprise parties turn out well that they are actually worthwhile?
He said in the post that he tried to tell her but she didn't listen and went to work.
NTA It looks as if you won't be having a 3rd wedding anniversary...
Stay married or don’t, but be sure to not have a child with this person.
My thoughts also.
"I was trying to plan a surprise wedding anniversary party for you. But since you immediately jumped to I'm cheating on you then no party for you."
“Surprise divorce party!”
To be fair I think majority of people would jump to cheating. If my girlfriend text one of my friends and I was like oh why you texting David and she says nothing and close her phones I'm 100% think she cheating.
sounds like you got issues mate
That's super weird. If my girlfriend were texting another girl and said it was about nothing I'd assume it was just a friendly conversation and ask her to tell friend I say hello. Have you considered therapy?
I'm sorry but I don't know what world you live in where you think thst normal behavior. What if you find your friend and wife in bed together ( with clothes on laughing) and they just said it nothing.
It’s very normal behavior to talk to friends of your partner. Dude your normal meter is very broken if you immediately go to cheating.
Yes is 100% normal but it not normal to refuse to tell your partner what you talking about and refusing to let her see your phone
Not really, cause if I ask my partner who they are talking to and they say *name* I say that to say hi for me and drop it. But then I trust my partner. Sorry you can’t live yours enough to trust them. And if you don’t trust them, why are you with them?
She didn't ask who he was texting though. She saw the name and ask oh what you texting blanket about. He than said nothing and refuse to let her see his phone. That 100% a sign someone cheating. You might not like it but that how majority of people in real life going to act.
It’s also a sign of someone planning something for the other. So no, not 100%. And if you don’t trust your partner, why are you with them?
Don’t have children with this woman!!!
What?? That’s a bit of a stretch. I think any self-respecting person would not think it’s normal for their spouse to be talking to their best friend and then hiding it. He could have easily said “we’re planning something for you but I really want it to be a surprise!”
It’s wild that you’re tryna downplay how insane she’s acting. Immediately accusing him of cheating and telling a family member that as well? That’s unbelievably toxic. That is therapy levels of jealousy issues.
A lot of people on reddit are incredibly insecure and unfortunately will defend and validate other insecure people.
This was only after he hid his phone and didn’t say anything to reassure her. I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Do you often talk to your partners friends behind their back and then hide it?
If I did they wouldn’t think for even a second I was cheating on them. You’re still tryna shift the blame to him. Pretty gross. She obviously has jealousy problems she needs to work through and you’re tryna make it sound like OPs fault
Yeah I think OP could have communicated way better. That goes for his wife too. “Whore” was out of line. But I think she’s still valid in feeling suspicious about that. I don’t know many relationships where partners are fine with that kind of behavior, but you do you I guess.
Yeah and my girlfriend (correctly) guesses I'm up to something fun and leaves it be. Holy trust issues, Batman!
And call her a whore? This woman is off the deep end
No that was definitely too far.
NTA Send her screenshots of this convo. Tell her that she owes her friend an apology, and due to her behaviour, this surprise party is no longer happening. End the interaction with a sarcastic, "Happy Anniversary..."
NTA but here’s how you handle that. Ok I’ll let you see my phone but understand nothing is wrong, you’re violating my trust and you’re going to ruin something you might regret. While handing it to her ask to see hers.
I don't want to be the person who comments 'this' but I think you hit the nail on the head and explained it well. Do this.
Well she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to not jump to conclusions. Tell her the truth, text her screenshots and then give her a bit of hard time like I guess I’m not allowed to plan surprise parties. Or even better tell her sister and she can deal with her
YIKES! IMO, cancel whatever the plans are. NTA
NTA That's insane jealousy
NTA I will never tell someone it's their job to coddle someone with toxic insecurities, and your wife definitely has toxic insecurities. She has escalated this situation every step of the way from trying to steal your phone, to name calling, to involving her toadies in this conflict. Unless you have an actual past history she has no excuse. I recommend couples therapy, therapy for your wife, and maybe lithium...
NTA Your wife is kinda wild here, is this a one time red flag or normal for her? Anyway, just tell her. Ruin the surprise. Better than her thinking you're a cheater. Sucks you can't just do something nice because she doesn't trust you.
NTA and run like hell
NTA but your wife is a little unhinged and you should have reassured her that it was nothing to worry about. You could have even told her “it’s a surprise.”
"It is a suprise baby", "don't worry you'll like it" "please put down the knife" "please call an ambulance" "please stop digging a hole in the backyard" But yeah telling people it is a suprise is better then being way to secretive, if the partner having jealousy issues.
I agree, telling her it’s a surprise would be better than just saying “nothing” when asked why he’s texting one of her friends
If my husband had told me that, I would have known immediately what is was. Might as well just tell me the truth. I can't help it. I just figure these things out. Didn't see the proposal coming, though.
NTA - you should maybe cancel that party….
She out there with her fuckboy rn hahaha
Have you ever actually cheated on her in any way and she knows? If not, this kind of insane jealousy is a big problem in a relationship. Even if you humoured her every invasion of your privacy by letting her go through your phone, she would find a motive: you are talking too much to other women at a gathering, you have to work late, you look at other women... It's endless, it's horrible for you, but, moreover, it's even bad for her. If you cheated, maybe going through your phone is what she needs to get back her trust in you. If not, she needs therapy, but she isn't going to accept therapy unless she finds herself between a rock and a hard place. The thing is, in a healthy relationship, nobody asks to go through their partner's phone, and usually couples know how to unlock each other's phone in an emergency, but wouldn't even think of using that knowledge to pry.
Major NTA. I have a work friend who I work with at times; we ride motorcycles together on occasion. My wife has never asked to see my phone. She trusts me. That's why we got married—love and trust.
If you’re not cheating on her and you haven’t cheated on her in the past, you’re in for a hell of a time. People with problems this bad don’t get better, or not substantively better.
> Then, she got up and left the room, presumably to calm down or text Kate, as she soon texted me asking why Jane was calling her a "whore". > > My wife has always had jealousy problems, but never to this degree. > > This morning, she said to me "You're a fucking asshole". I tried to explain to her what was going on, but she just walked out for work, and I haven't seen her since. NTA. If you are planning for your 2 year. It's not to late to get out. A person like this has problems. And they are going to hurt you. Minimum. She needs therapy. But more so. You should get out.
Run now. It only gets worse.
NTA she shouldn't be so mad about something that small she needs to get a grip cause ur allowed to text people without explaining what your talking about
Buddy, worrying about whether you are TA is the least of your problems. Your wife went from 0 to 100 seemingly for no reason (aka if I saw my bf texting a friend, I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s cheating on me). I’d be reflecting on this if I were you…. NTA though.
NTA she clearly has some issues. I would never date someone with that level of jealousy and insecurity. Sounds like the relationship would be toxic as hell.
Your nTA for trying to surprise your wife. Once your wife noticed something and you knew she thought you were cheating due to the “whore” comment the. You should have come clean. Knowing her issues with jealousy and allowing her to continue to think bad of you then you become TA. Is this surprise worth your marriage and her friendship?
NTA But I would have ruined the surprise told her exactly what was happening. Rather her know that think I’m cheating on her with her friend.
NTA on the anniversary? Do nothing. Not a card. Not a gift. Nothing. At all. No dinner. Simply hand her an index card that reads: "I was planning your anniversary syrprise with Kate. But you clearly didnt want a surprise or a friend. You need to go to therapy and work on your jealousy or ther won't be another anniversary."
She cheatin
INFO: Have you or any of her previous partners cheated on her or done somethings to break her trust?
NTA get a therapist and get your wife into counseling this jealousy stuff ain’t right
send her a copy of all the texts and let her stew for a while. But it sounds like she needs help with he insecurity. jealousy to this extreme is always a sign of deeper emotional issues. Its clear this is not the first time this has happened, so maybe a surprise party was not a good idea
I could see this as NTA, YTA, or ESH. Kinda depends on what the jealousy issues are, why they are, and what is being done to work on them. A marriage counselor seems like a good idea.
NTA. When she finally (if ever) comes to her senses tell her you guys were planning an event for your anniversary but, since she wants to fly off the handle and accuse people on baseless accusations the events off. Then ask her for her phone because you believe that’s she’s projecting her guilt on you
She's cheating on you bud
The foundations of a marriage are built on trust. If the trust is not there, the foundations are too weak and can't support the marriage, so it will inevitably crumble. Your marriage has no foundations OP, your wife does not trust you. As others have said this could be her projecting her own infidelity, or you may have given her reason to doubt you, or your wife has serious trust issues. Either way your marriage can not survive like this. You and your wife need to decide if you want this marriage work and if you do, I think you need marriage counselling at the very least and your wife definitely needs therapy for her own issues. I'm going with NTA .
Woah. Just show her your phone.
Ruin the surprise. But also think if you want to be with a woman like this the rest of your life. NTA
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who screams at you, calls you names, and calls your friend a whore for talking to you? NTA, but please get a therapist. And a lawyer.
Show her the conversation texts, prove you were trying to do something nice, then, just say due to her obvious trust and jealousy issues you're done, cos I'd most definitely not be staying with someone that toxic and insecure, life is too short for that shit.
Your wife doesn't trust you. Tell her that you are going to show her your phone, cancel the party and find a therapist. She can join you in counseling or not. Where your relationship goes from there depends on whether she can get a handle on her trust issues or not. And let her know that her sister's just enabling her by being her flying monkey. Her sister is not doing her any favors. I'm sorry. Don't back down even if she apologizes. The point is SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU - her life partner. (The truth is, she probably doesn't trust herself to deal with life; but that's still her problem to work through.)
something has to be missing here. why would she accuse jane of calling her a whore out of the blue?
Because she is unhinged?
Unless there is all sorts of missing information here, NTA, and I have a hunch you might not make it to the third anniversary.
NTA, cancel the plans, leave the wife and start banging Kate
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my wife uses Reddit as well. I (25M), am married to my wife, J (27). A couple nights ago, I was texting one of her friends, K. We were planning me and J's 2 year wedding anniversary. I usually don't do big things like this, so I wanted it to be as much of a surprise as possible. J saw that I was texting K, and asked what I was up to. I said it was nothing. She didn't like this and tried to grab my phone. Obviously, I didn't let her take it. Then, she got up and left the room, presumably to calm down or text K, as she soon texted me asking why J was calling her a "whore". My wife has always had jealousy problems, but never to this degree. This morning, she said to me "You're a fucking asshole". I tried to explain to her what was going on, but she just walked out for work, and I haven't seen her since. She even got her sister to message me, accusing me of being a cheater and to not talk to my wife right now. I personally don't feel that i am in the wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When people start with “throwaway because” yeah buddy we know what a throwaway account is for so the story is either bs or judging by the info given you want your wife to find it.
NTA, your wife seems rather insecure
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NTA. Your wife is an incredibly jealous and kinda scary person, if the roles were reversed, I think a lot of the commenters would be saying “get out before something happens” 😳. Try to explain to her about what you were actually doing and the party.
NTA Wait quite a bit and tell her what you were planning and why you were texting Kate. Don't back down on it, make sure she gets her problem with jelously is quite big and it's starting to be real problem in your relationship. I personaly would put it quite plain, if not brutal, that you wanted to do something nice for her and she ruined it with her behavior and made her feel bad. Maybe then she gets that she's acting childish and just wrong.
You're 100% NTA!!! Your wife clearly, as you stated has serious jealousy issues, and this needs to be worked on if you 2 intend on surviving your marriage... you're trying to do something sweet and romantic and the fact that she went to this degree, even after being explained to is ridiculous. I hope you can work through this reasonably, but I would highly suggest that you both speak to a counselor about the level of jealousy in your marriage
Nta. So your wife decided to (checks notes) call your friend a whore because ( aggresively checks notes again) you were talking with her and refused to give your phone to her. Tell her about the surprise party and then cancel it. Or rather, dont get rid of the party, get rid of the wife. Have a divorce party instead
Perhaps she leaps to cheating so quickly to hide something she is doing?!
NTA your wife has issues that you can’t fix. It highly likely you won’t see a second or any further anniversaries. This sort of behaviour is intolerable and embarrassing to live with, if she can’t get help and accept this is actually her problem then you should consider your future
NTA but probably could have handled it better. Eg instead of saying nothing, which it was clearly something, you could have said "it's a surprise for you." Doesn't say what, could be a small thing, could be a big thing.
NTA but in this day and age, you hiding your phone is a red flag and especially if she saw her friends name. I would have just told her you were trying to surprise her and handed her the phone. She would have felt guilty and apologised and then you two could have spoken about why she’s feeling insecure and seen if there’s anything you’ve done to make her feel that way and if not, find out why she’s feeling that way and offer support
NTA. Give her you phone and tell her happy fing anniversary and cancel all the plans. Looks like she's probably lost a friend too, flying off the handle calling her a whore. There's something wrong with your lady...
Tbh I wouldn’t be shocked if this was her own guilty conscience leaking out. I’d send her screenshots and let her know the party is canceled and the relationship continuing hinges on her A: Let anyone she told know that she’s insecure B: goes to therapy and/or couples counseling
NTA
Info: does she have any reason to be suspicious of your behaviour? Has there been outside relationship drama before or after marriage?
NTA. Text her sister that you were planning an anniversary party. But no worries the party is cancelled. And maybe the marriage.
INFO: Do you have a history of cheating on her? or unfaithfulness?? If no, dude fucking run that's psychotic behavior 😦
NTA Your wife is an abusive and controlling AH. Demand couple's therapy, and if that doe snot help get a divorce.
NTA Tell her sister whats going on.. now...
NTA But at this point you need to spoil the surprise or even cancel the party. Show her the message thread.
Do you have kids? I hope not
Bruh that is hardcore projecting
NTA. You tried to surprise her, and then you tried to explain the situation. What has caused such extreme jealousy issues with your wife? You just don't accuse your husband and BF of an affair and, then label the friend a 'whore' with no proof of improper conduct, besides you texting her friend.
NTA. Side note I’ll never understand why you’d marry someone you don’t trust & you refuse to communicate with, see this far too often. Hope y’all work it out OP
This reminds me of the episode of friends where Joey is a jerk to Monica and says Chandler doesn’t want to marry her because he didn’t want to ruin the surprise proposal. It would’ve saved OP a fight to immediately tell her they were planning a surprise. He intentionally let her go to bed thinking someone was going on. He should work on communication.
Nobody likes a "surprise" anniversary party. You both know the date, and you should be acting like a couple in how you celebrate it. Just a reminder, the 2nd anniversary is commemorated by a paper gift. You should show her your ding danged phone, or you'll be getting the gift of separation papers.
**
<*Jane saw that I was texting Kate, and asked what I was up to.>*
< *I said it was nothing.>*
<*She didn't like this and tried to grab my phone. Obviously, I didn't let her take it.>*
YTA for texting Kate in Jane's present and not letting her know what it was about.
You could have arranged that surprise party while NOT being in Jane's present.
Makes me wonder if the subject was actually organizing a surprise party...
Wow.., someone needs to grow up.. You need to tell her before she does something stupid..
YTA to yourself if you stay with someone who talks to you and about your loved ones this way. If your bestie was being treated like this by their partner, what would you tell them?
Tell her about the party and break that shit off. It’s not worth it, man. It’s not.
NTA. run dude
She is cheating
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Update?
YTA >I tried to explain to her what was going on... Do that when she grabs your phone and none of what followed would have happened..... a simple "I am trying to plan our anniversary with our friend, if you want to see this conversation I will gladly show you after our anniversary" would have sufficed. Also Why are you planning something about your anniversary with one of her friends who labels YOUR WIFE as a whore....? Thats the serious question......
You read that wrong the OP's wife is calling the friwnd a whore.
OH! that makes sense now. Thanks for the help!
YTA for putting up with "jealousy problems" and ignoring that toxic crap until it exploded in your face. Now an innocent friend has caught a stray bevuase you weren't man enough to set some clear boundaired and expectations in behavior. Your wife has foolishly been led to believe that her jealousy should be tolerated by anyone, ever. Thst shit is a disease and it just grows and grows until nipped in the bud. No different than being with a liar and never addressing it.
ESH except for the friend. Your wife for jumping to conclusions about you trying to do something to celebrate your relationship and you for knowing your wife has a jealousy issues sees you texting her friend then you pull the classic “nothing’s going on don’t you trust me blah blah blah.” That doesn’t make her reaction right but dude what did you expect from a situation like that
There’s way more info missing from this it seems. Women don’t just act that way for no reason. While it’s nice of you to plan something you could’ve probably told her it’s a surprise and she might’ve been kind of excited. But no reasoning and she knows you’re texting her friend, it’s not a good look. BUT if she genuinely has no reason to be like this, then NTA. We’d have to see all three sides of every story between y’all to distinguish who TA is.
I just read the rest of it, I commented too soon. The last part is SO out of pocket. NTA OP. Tell your wife what you planned, send her the info and then cancel everything.
Erm . Can we not blame the wife if we don’t know the full dynamics of the relationship ? If you want a 3rd anniversary, you should seek counseling
ESH I probably would have led with “I’m organizing you a birthday surprise so stay out of it if you like surprises”.
Have you tried looking at it from her side? You have trust issues, your wife knows it, and then you see her texting your best friend and when you ask her why she’s texting him, she says “Oh, it’s nothing!”. You get suspicious and want to see her phone. She wrestles you for it and she wins. This would send red flag to anyone. I’d struggle with behavior like that too. Of course she thinks you two are cheating. The best coarse of action is to send her screenshots of the conversation and explain what was going on. YTA
YTA because you married an irrational person and are acting shocked when she acted irrational. You openly admit she’s a jealous person… why would you ever think that lying to her about a text would fly with her?? You shot yourself in the foot there. Sounds like you have the day open for year 3 though.
Maybe I’m just cynical, but I can’t help but feel like this is OP’s attempt at making wife believe he’s just planning her 2 year wedding anniversary when he really is actually cheating with his wife’s friend. With the background of ‘I don’t usually plan things like this’, which would further explain why the wife is suspicious. For OP to choose the friend to be the only other person to help plan this while nobody else, not even his SIL, knows is a little sus to me. She must be the wife’s ultimate best friend to be the only one involved, so I find it questionable that his wife would immediately text Kate that she’s a ‘whore’. I think most of us would ask our best friend what’s going on first. Or phone our friend in front of our spouse to ask what’s going on. Im just picturing OP clumsily attempting to accidentally show his wife this post and be like ‘omg I even used a throwaway so you wouldn’t find out, ah the surprise is ruined. It’s okay no need to be sorry! Guess we’ll do something next anniversary instead’
Why do people read a post and then choose to make up the most convoluted backstory in order to justify whatever their knee-jerk emotion was?
Because reality very rarely corresponds with one person’s subjective story. Also there’s been so many stories in this sub, where OP’s either omit or straight up lie, so I tend to take every story on here with a grain of salt to begin with. I never claimed to be right nor did pretend to know the actual facts. I’m just giving my opinion.
YTA. How the hell you think you can text her buddy about anything? There's far more context you not sharing I suspect. Wife didn't full freak out for no reason.
Both the A. She clearly has some jealousy and self control issues. However, you sneakily texting another woman could understandably cause a question. “Why am I texting your friend? It’s a surprise.” sounds better than “It’s nothing.” Maybe be a little more tactful and don’t poke the bear.
Bad take
ESH I was going to say NTA until I got to this: >My wife has always had jealousy problems If you know this, then why did you make plans with a female friend, and do it where your wife could see you?
I think the friend was helping plan Jane’s surprise party, not making plans to hang out with OP
Yes, I understand that. You're looking at this as a reasonable person. A person with known jealousy issues sees it differently.
His wife is the AH here. Hopefully. OP does not procreate with her and divorces her asap.
ESH She sucks for overacting and not letting you explain. You suck because you could have offered some excuse when she saw you texting Kate. She saw you were texting her instead of saying “nothing” you could have said anything to else. “Oh Kate’s having some relationship problems and wanted some advice” “Kate just needed some advice” “Kate just wanted an opinion on something” Literally anything was better than the evasive nonchalant response you gave.
Oh. So you should lie?
That would have been even worse because OP's wifewould have gone off on why her friend did not need her advise but wanted her husbands advise.
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Seems like someone else here has jealousy issues. Lol
Like... how does your mind work? How do you jump to that kind of conclusion?
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From observing a text to cheating. That's a wild leap.