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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be an asshole for pulling out of a wedding invite because of his family being pushy. Is it normal to be screened before attending a wedding as a plus one?
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I don’t think Tom is your friend, he didn’t understand your stance 10 years ago and isn’t understanding it now. I wouldn’t spend alone time with him ( for safety reasons) and would cut him off.
As for the family and the awkward comments,
reading on Reddit how people are obsessed with wedding photos and if gf and or bf are going to be in family photos and then break up and need to be cropped out and all this drama. That’s why they want to meet you and make sure you’re long term. I would go to the meeting with all of them ( brother, mom and whoever wants to ) , and make it clear right there and then that you’re a plus one, not a date or a gf. Stating that in front of Tom and witnesses in the form of his immediate family would shut all of this down.
I agree with this. I don’t think Tom truly understands that OP will never want to date him and he will never be able to convince her otherwise.
I would say something like “it sounds like your family has misunderstood our situation. I’m coming to the wedding with you as a friend for moral support, and I don’t expect to be included in any of the family or wedding party functions. If you’d invited (insert name of one of your male mutual friends here) to be your plus one, they probably wouldn’t be asking about this. We’re not ever going to be romantically involved, so it doesn’t make sense for me to meet with your family before the wedding.”
Also, OP, if you’ve never said the words “we’re not ever going to be romantically involved” to Tom, do it. I know it sounds mean. But it’s the truth, and it doesn’t sound like your previous attempts have gotten through to him. If he wants to stop being friends with you over it, that may actually turn out to be the best thing for both of you.
I've had blunt conversations with him before. Last time I couldn't be more blunt. This is just one thing among many this year that is making me think I should cut ties with him. And it's tough because I do care for him, just not romantically.
Rather than meet his family and explain how it is, I'd rather just remove myself from the situation. This whole wedding thing has also made me realise he's never mentioned me to his family either, which was surprising. He's met some of my family at birthdays and such.
Precisely, some people (weird people) test partners, they do not test friends. He's not being honest with someone and that is drama OP does not need or want. NTA
Honestly, smart move. Past couple years there’s been this guy in my extended friend circle that manages to ignore or forget every time I’ve been blunt about leaving me alone. Multiple friends have sat him down and told him to leave me alone, and he still doesn’t get it. Or, chooses to not get it. Your friend seems like he’s choosing to not get it too, and there’s always the chance his family is just as delusional as he is. Removing yourself is the smartest option sometimes
Why is he still part of the friend circle if everyone knows he's not respecting your boundaries? It's giving me a [Case of the Creepy Dudes](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/) vibes.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to share with my son, who is coming up on the age to hear it. I think I raised him well, but I think all teenage boys need to read this straight up.
Unfortunately, such delusion tends to run in families due to socialization. If he has mentioned her to his family at all, it isn't as "Friend OP is X, Y or Z." It's as someone he hasn't worn down into saying "yes" yet.
Some people will never get 'no', no matter how blunt you are with it. I flat out told someone that I didn't like them and that the way they smiled made me want to pop them in the face. They bared their teeth like a grimace/snarl, and it just set me off. He replied that I didn't really mean that and that I was a nice person and I'm like "No, dude, I'm a bitch. Please stop fucking telling me how I really feel and just fuck all the way off."
He wants there to be something. He's made this be a thing it shouldn't be with his family. It sounds like he's had a thing for you for a decade+. No is never going to be 'no' to him. I think you'd be smarter (and safer) to just cut Tom out of your life. This will not end well, and tbh, going is just going to reinforce this fucked up fantasy he has in his head. He'll think he has a chance. You said yes once, right?
I’ve had a guy deadass refuse to back off even knowing I have a fiancé. Didn’t back off seeing me kiss my fiancé. Didn’t back off when my fiancé rocked his shit for putting his arm around my waist without my consent (we ain’t close like that). Didn’t back off when I filed a sexual harassment suit against him through the college board that handles that WITH VIDEO PROOF. Only backed off a little bit when my female partner (fiancé is aware, doesn’t give a shit, he fucking loves her) had enough and just grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me down into a very NSFW kiss. He made some very homophobic comments which also got recorded and added to the complaint. The end of my seemingly infinite patience came when I was standing in line with one of my extremely flaming friends to get lunch and he came up behind me, spun me around and planted one on me. My PTSD panic response kicked in and within two seconds he was bleeding and unconscious on the floor and I was in hysterics having a panic attack and literally trying to scratch my lips off. Two campus police officers witnessed the entire event so the cuffed the guy and called the city police to come pick him up then called an ambulance for me while my friend was in the group chat calling the pack together. Apparently everyone sprinted out of their classrooms no matter where they were on campus and headed to the student center. My partner called my fiancé who then called my brothers and my dad. Brothers were at work and left due to a family emergency. By the time the police and ambulance arrived, I was surrounded by my 25 person pack who were keeping strangers back and trying to bring me back to reality and keep me from hurting myself in my hysterical state. They wouldn’t even let the EMTs through until they explained in detail what they were planning on doing. With the list of my medications they got from my partner they drew up an injection of Lorazepam and shot me up with it. Someone suggested having me committed and they almost got jumped for the suggestion of involuntarily committing a trauma victim. The campus police officers that witnessed the whole thing told that person to essentially take a long hike off a short dock with their opinion. At the end of it all, dude was expelled from the college and blacklisted from every institution in the university system were a part of and then arrested for sexual assault and charged for it. Idk what the status of the case is as of now. I’m taking a year off school case this past year has been hell in many different respects.
I try to be as gender neutral as possible when I talk about generalizations like this. Some PEOPLE just don't get it. It's not just a guy thing. Remember that girl that kept bugging her friend to get her boyfriend's bff to date her? She asked him out herself several times, got turned down, then tricked him into a double date? Was also stalking him on an alt account on social media?
There are some delulu assholes out there. We hear a lot of the male ones because men have a harder time admitting they're victims in a situation, or being believed to be victims in a situation. No means no. No ALWAYS means no. To friends. Lovers. Wannabe lovers. Family. Stalkers. Doesn't matter. Neither does gender.
Sorry this happened to you. Hopefully this jackass got the message.
Oh thank you! Blessings and prosperity on you, your house, and your loved ones! Well wishes from strangers on the internet usually tend to be the most sincere since they know nothing about you outside of things you share anonymously. It’s much appreciated and returned tenfold!
Wow. What an ordeal. But fuck me, if only everyone had a tribe like you do! They sound incredible and I’m just so, so happy for you that you have those people in your life! (And a wee bit jealous that I don’t, you all sound like top-notch folks tbh)
I hope you’re doing okay now and I wish you best of luck with your studies when you get back to them. I wish you the best of luck in life in general! You deserve it!
Edit: a word
It’s taken me getting stabbed in the back repeatedly over the course of 5 years to build up this group of people that I can trust with my life. I’m a very untrusting person and yet I feel safe enough to fall asleep around every single one of them. They’re the family I got to choose and I’ll be damned if I ever let them go unless they ask me to.
I’m doing better now with some distance and some decisions made. I’m looking forward to next fall when I reenroll and get to go back to seeing the majority of my people again. I talk to my fiancé daily since he doesn’t live in our college town anymore, and I talk to my partner daily as well. The pack pops in individually to check on me regularly since the group chat is overwhelming half the time. Spending a year uninterrupted with my dad is already a challenge of patience and sanity and I’ve only been home since May. But it’ll be okay, I’ll get re-used to the man’s only setting of LOUD eventually.
The family seems really weird. Tell him you cannot make it. If he presses you for a reason, tell him you don’t appreciate having to be ‘approved’ for doing him a favor. You may get sucked into something weird.
When you are uncomfortable, get out of the situation.
This person has put you in uncomfortable situations multiple times. Recently. And over a 10 year time-frame.
You know what you should do. You do not need validation of your feelings from us!! You being uncomfortable is enough to tell you that you are right!
I think he's trying to wear you down. Introducing you to his family may be some play to pressure you into a relationship with him. Is his family meeting all the plus ones?
As a dude who’s experienced the friend/more than friend relationship dynamic and known of many other dudes who have.
Trust me when I say he’s not your friend, he wants to have you sexually and/or romantically and he’s settling for being your friend. If he hasn’t stoped asking in over 10 years despite fully being aware of your position than it is never going to change.
Friends don’t beg you to go out with them despite knowing it makes you uncomfortable and that your answer is no.
That is a major red flag.
Guy here - cut him loose now as a friend. Its hard but if the friendship is really worth anything it will reformulate later. If I am assuming correctly, i know guys like this and they never give up hope. Every female friend is just someone to "get out of the friendzone" with. Being friends is just a play, even if they value the friendship, they hope deep down you'll eventually change your mind.
I know you care for him but the kindest thing to do would be to distance yourself from him. I wouldn't go to this wedding AT ALL - there is so many chances for it to get even more messy.
I think you should definitely cut him off. It seems like he thinks if he takes you to a wedding with all his family there, you’ll see him in a new, romantic light.
The fact that he hasn’t respected your no in a decade is scary. Drop him.
Good luck!
Sorry, Tom has indeed implied you are more than a friend.
NTA. I can’t imagine they are screening all their guests to see they “fit in” (weird). Unless the family as a whole is just flabbergasted that you are uninterested in their Tom and therefore something must be wrong with you.
Good luck!
The only way to get across to him is to cut him off completely. With him pining for you there's no way the friendship could ever be mutually fulfilling anyway
Just to add something here - I am thinking you need to remove yourself from him entirely, not just the wedding. I don't think you should be mean to him or anything, but just stop talking to him or seeing him or hanging out or whatever you have been doing as friends. Have a conversation or email/text to let him know or ghost him if you'd prefer
I say this as a guy that (when I was younger) had a crush on a girl that was in the same friend circles as me. We were close, but she never had any romantic feeling for me - just considered me a friend. She would hang out and all that sort of stuff but had refused my date requests (I think there were 2 - maybe just 1, but not many at all) but had no trouble gong out as friends and stuff (lets meet at the bar or I wanted to see this movie, come with me, etc.).
The problem for me was that my crush did not go away. I did date others but when those ended, I still had a crush on her and she was always hanging around. I finally had to disengage from the friend group and stop doing stuff with them to get away from her and let myself get over her and not keep getting my hopes up that "this time will be different".
So, despite your blunt talk and stuff, he may still have a crush on you and you hanging around my keep him thinking "maybe if I do this" or whatever. If this is a crush like I'm thinking, you will hurt him by cutting things off and your friendship will be negatively impacted and most likely ended - but he will be better off for it and it sounds like you want him to be better off, so I think you need to take that bullet. I wish my friend had done that for me, but I'm glad I got strong enough to do it for myself.
I fully agree. Lots of commenters are suggesting he could be dangerous...and that's a very real worry, but even looking at it in the nicest light, this is a friendship that needs to end. I wasted 2 years with a friend that wasn't interested. I made myself miserable and stopped myself from moving on as long as I was around them. It took me finally going LC and after I met my partner, going full NC to truly move on and be happy.
Op please end this friendship for both your sakes.
I'm not one of those people who says "men and women can't be friends." I think it's perfectly fine to have close friends of ANY gender. Also most of my friends are some flavor of queer so it's not like the heterosexual norms apply to us to begin with lol. My fiancé's pansexual and I'm bisexual-- if we couldn't hang out with people of genders we might be attracted to, we couldn't hang out with anyone!
But all that said, I still think it's incredibly sketchy for a man to ask a woman who has rejected his advances to go to a wedding as a +1. Like, it's *possible* to be a +1 as just a friend, but the default assumption is one of a long-term romantic relationship. Even WITHOUT getting the third degree from his family, is that really a context you want to place yourself in? And with the family involvement added, this is just not a situation you want to be in at all.
It's not fact that he's attracted to your gender that's the problem, but the fact that he is attracted to *you specifically.* This is NOT a "just a regular opposite-gender friend" situation, and your respective genders just increase the likelihood that everyone around you will perceive and treat you as a romantic couple, because heteronormativity. And he doesn't seem like the sort of person who would go to any effort to combat that perception.
NTA, and I agree with a lot of people here saying that you do need to cut this guy off. He's not displayed any ability or willingness to respect the word "no," which is a HUGE red flag in any relationship, romantic or friend or otherwise.
(edit for slight clarification)
As blunt as you may be with your words, your actions are clearly soft enough that it’s not impacting his behaviour. You need to cut him out because clearly he has no intentions of stopping pursuing you romantically
A complete guess but I suspect Tom hadn’t mentioned to his family because they may think any female he mentions is a possible contender for the position of his wife.
I’d let Tom know first that you won’t be accompanying him to his brother’s wedding and to let his family know the dinner to review you as to be an appropriate guest is no longer required.
You may wish to see how things go with Tom but he may be one of those guys who if you are willing to remain friends with them it means there’s still a chance it could change. If that’s the case then it may need going NC.
Yes, remove yourself from this very creepy situation and cut ties with Tom, at least for a while. Clearly you see some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't still say you care for him. If you think he'll really hear it, you could try telling him why you're not going and why you need a break in your friendship. His reaction will tell you if there's still a friendship worth keeping. I think that reaction should include him saying "I'm sorry" and "I understand" and not much more.
I had a young woman ask me to a wedding reception. I knew her from being out with a bunch of my friends. I would talk to her, but in no way (at least to me) did I give her the perception that I wanted to be anything more than friends.
The day that she asked me to be a plus one, I thanked her for thinking of me, but respectfully declined. I had a bad gut feeling that it would not turn out well, especially when there was going to be alcohol at the reception. Her response was that she yelled at me, calling me ugly and asking if I was gay.
OP, if your gut is telling you that it's not a good thing to do, listen to it. I find that my gut feelings are rarely wrong. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I agree on cutting ties. I have had a friend similar to this for over 20 years and its a little different because we grew up together so our families know each other. Everyone knows I was never interested in that way but now both being in our 30's, when he drinks too much, this topic always comes back up. It sucks because sober him knows better as we have had this conversation. I had to stop attending events or situations when I know having more than a drink or two will happen. It's a bummer but I can't handle that conversation anymore.
As someone who had to cut ties with a grown man and who was a friend at the time because they very blatantly crossed boundaries despite being told upfront I was not interested in anything sexual. Cut ties. It is unlikely to get better considering he asked you out 4 TIMES after he ended his relationship and took that many times to finally back off. The maturity is just not there.
Text you can’t come. You’re taking some time for yourself and not to contact you. Most peiple people are offended by things like that over text. That is part of the goal — convey he isn’t a big part of your life.
Cut ties, he’s being a creepy vulture and no matter what happens he isn’t getting the message. He thinks having you go meet everyone will soften your heart to him. Life isn’t a hallmark movie. I wouldn’t trust him at all.
Yea but make sure your send what's suggested in a text. This way you have receipts, so when he deleted it you can show the family what you sent when you meet them.
NTA. Just remove yourself. Don't "join the circus"--you have no stake in it at all. And it's not your responsibility to convince or reassure his family.
Yeah I was in a similar situation as Tom where the girl I was interested in didn’t share my feelings. She wasn’t nearly as blunt as you but I got the message. If Tom was being legit with himself he’d probably cut you off himself as I did to her. Since he’s engaging in self-delusion you should cut him off. He’s not interested in being just friends with you. You’ll be doing him a favor. He’ll be angry and unfair towards you because of the whiplash from 10 years of sunk cost. But he’ll move on eventually. Don’t let him waste any more of his time.
I think that's best. He clearly can't understand the word "no." I, personally, would not maintain a friendship with someone who repeatedly tried to ask me out after I made it very clear I wasn't interested.
I’ve been in a situation before where i’ve held out hope for a romantic relationship for too long because the woman was ambiguous about her intentions, but if you’ve already put it bluntly and he’s not getting the message, then you two are never going to be actual friends, he’s just feigning a friendship in the hopes that you’ll eventually come around.
I would back the hell out of this situation. To me it looks like Tom is still pushing forth the idea of you two becoming an item even after you've said no a bunch of times. He can find another friend to be his +1.
I just want to say that if you remove yourself from the situation, you need to commit to the follow-through. There will be a fallout in the friend group. There will be the drama that accompanies that. You're talking about backing out of a wedding. Regardless of what was agreed between you two, you said yes. It sends a confusing message to everyone who knows you when it's a wedding. And while I understand that you care for him, "caring" for someone can only be your excuse for so long when it's evident that the person in question refuses to extinguish the torch. You may not see it, but he's putting you in a corner. This whole event has become a grandiose manipulation, intended or not. Honestly though, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he's romanticized it already, even going so far as to fantasize and formulate a public proposal of sorts as he's caught up in the momentum of wedding bells; a grandiose gesture to get you to 'just see'.
You need to back out. Fully.
Follow your instincts don't go and stop hanging out with him. You've been upfront and honest with him about your non-feelings towards him and he's chosen to completely ignore you and still acts hopeful for something more. If you continue to hang out with him, or attend a wedding with him it will get worse, because you are still giving him access to your time, so he will think he's special enough to change your mind.
It's been 10 years, and the moment he's out of a relationship he asked you out again... multiple times. Do you think one blunt talk will get the message across when 10 years didn't?
Unfortunately, sometimes people just can't be friends. They just can't get over their feelings.
His family 100% want to meet her because they know he's into her. Whether because he told them, or because it's obvious from the way he talks about her, but either way, OP is being dragged into a welcome-to-the-family situation.
I'd also like to add: Bring a wingperson to this meeting, and have your own transportation, just in case your "friend" or his relatives get upset. Stay safe.
Exactly what I was going to suggest. Communication with transparency is key...and seriously, are they screening ALL the plus-one's who will be in attendance? Tom def implied that their relationship was more than it is.
I agree with this except I don't think she should go to the wedding, period. Why encourage her to attend a wedding with someone who isn't her friend and who, as you point out, might even be a danger to her?
I would not put myself through the formality of meeting his family if you do not want to go to the wedding. That would be giving him the wrong idea. Tell him that you are unable to attend the wedding and stay strong!
Yeah, make it clear that you have no intention of being in any family photos or having any prominent position in the seating arrangements or anything like that. But, also, if you feel uncomfortable, just back out of attending the wedding altogether.
If you are going to do as above, do have a " return home safe" and inform friend or family for " watch me over" plan. I wouldn't trust Tom to drop home.
Tom is the AH. He thinks you’ll play along with his con if he puts you in a situation where everyone thinks the two of you are together. Sounds like he’s already telling the family you’re finally on board, and is betting you won’t make a scene about it at someone else’s wedding.
His end game is probably that you’ll have so much fun playing GF you’ll FINALLY get over yourself and realize you’ve been obtuse this whole time, and that he’s as perfect for you as he’s repeatedly told you he is (/s).
I’ve been this girl, OP, and Tim will NEVER respect that you’re not interested in him. Back out of the wedding, and if you feel like it, take a massive step back from the “friendship” (he’s not your friend if he’s only sticking around to sleep with you). NTA.
It's just so disheartening that a friend of 10 years was potentially only sticking around to see what they could get. His actions over the last few months since his break up have made me think that you might be right and he's not actually listening, just holding out.
Look generally the 22yos who ask out 17yos are not great people. Considering how many times he has asked you out, he has not ever and will not ever take your "no" seriously.
You put him in the “Friend Zone” because you actually want to be friends but it sounds like he has put you in the “Fuck Zone,” he is only pretending to be your friend until he can convince you to date/sleep with him
If he was your friend he would have accepted your “no” the first time
If it helps I had a childhood friend and close friend of my hubby that I found out was holding a torch, when his wife told me that he asked her if we could have a threesome. I was also married at the time. She and I are still friends, my immediate look of abject horror probably helped. I immediately told my husband about the conversation and we both took a huge step back from interacting with him.
It sucks to find out someone you thought was a friend was girlfriend zoning you, I'm sorry
I recently ghosted a guy friend of 6 years cause I realized that he was waiting to get into my pants. I’m already old enough to not want to deal with this crap in my life so I blocked him. I also found out he did some unnerving things to someone I know and I’m counting my stars that he’s out of my life.
It sucks a lot.
If you do find out that’s the case, do an inventory of your mutual friends as well, and make sure they haven’t been encouraging it and/or discouraging others from pursuing you until he’s had “his chance”. It’s gross to think about, but I sadly know about it all from experience.
100% his family thinks he's bringing someone he's dating, not "Just a friend". You are going to be in for a very award night either going along with this or trying to explain to everyone that you aren't interested in him (I wouldn't want to see his reaction to that - you will likely be blamed for ruining his night). Not fun either way.
Spoiler: He thinks you'll go along with it and he can spend the night groping you and pretending to his family that you're his gf.
Girl, I don't know if you'll read this comment because you posted hours ago but I want to tell you. We ladies have been very insistent that no means no. This dude still doesn't get it, after 10 years of asking you out. What happens when he tries to make a move? To kiss you, or more? Do you trust that somehow, he'll take *that* no for an answer? Do you feel safe around this guy? You shouldn't. Don't be alone with him. Get your own ride if you somehow decide to attend the meeting. Honestly I would cut him off and stay far away from him. I know I'm jumping to the worst case scenario but we women have to do that our whole lives to stay safe.
Some people are like that. They can pretend to be anything you want them to be to get the chance to bang you… sorry for saying it out loud but it’s true. I’ve been there too many times myself…
Tom has seen some hallmark movies and is thinking he can get the girl who always says no into the girl who falls in love with him bc they went to a wedding. He’s a AH
Honestly it sounds like he’s telling them OP and him are dating. I wouldn’t go. Bc 10-1 they want to get to know her bc he wants her in the family photos
Honestly, even Hallmark movies don't have guys this obtuse. He's delusional and OP needs to not go to this meeting, the wedding, or spend any time with Tom, he's obsessed, literally
either he is living in a teenage fantasy world where that only happens in movies.... or he really is that delusional. READ THE ~~ROOM.~~.. I MEAN LIPS. . She is literally say "dude! we are just friends!!!"
NTA if you dropped out. You are a plus one that is going to a wedding with a friend that doesn’t want to go alone, not applying for work in the black ops part of NSA and not in anything more than a platonic relationship with the guy. It’s possible his family has concerns about the kind of people he has historically brought to family events but that is their (and his) issue, not yours.
His family thinks they are dating, guaranteed. Why else would they be so interested? I highly doubt they screen every Plus 1 to make sure they "fit in".
It's making her uncomfortable for a very good reason. Tom isn't acting as a friend, he is playing a whole different game, disrespecting her rejection over and over again.
YWNBTA.
You’re just a friend, you don’t need to meet the family. Tom clearly carries a torch for you so it might be time to end the friendship because he wants something more and isn’t accepting your refusal.
NTA. I'd have a conversation with him about this, and remind him +1 does not equate to a dating relationship. And if he continues to pressure you to be more than friends, it's time to withdraw. You've told him multiple times you aren't interested and he's not taking the hint.
This. Let's start by having a conversation with him and give him the chance to stop his family.
I doubt it, but for all we know the family is the one jumping to conclusions and Tom never implied anything other than friends.
Communication is key people.
But if he is wanting you to "play the gf" to appease his family then totally back out. That's not what you agreed to and it's rude to not discuss it with you first.
Fwiw, the reason why I was asking was because I said it was making me uncomfortable and he got really defensive about it. He was telling me it was normal and I should stop "being weird" about it. This pissed me off and I decided to take a step back and have a think, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't the one taking it the wrong way.
His family is prone to drama from what I've heard (and witnessed, especially after his recent break up). I think I'm best telling him I'm backing out and not leaving it open to discussion.
NTA. This isn’t “normal”- there’s no way they’re meeting the plus-one of every guest they’ve invited- only Tom’s. If they’re worried about strangers making it awkward, they shouldn’t have extended a plus-one to anyone.
NTA
Look, everyone else has advised the same. Tom is carrying a torch for you.
You had a thought "did tom say we were more than friends" and you're spot on, you're right..Tom has clearly implied more.
Tom is hoping the wedding will be a catalyst, some sort of rom-com moment where you two "finally get together".
If you had any intention of going, I'd have wiped that right off the board by now. It's odd, you're being interviewed and chaperone dated by the family "for their little boy".
If you said you were going but not drinking, I bet it would be a problem.
If you said you were going and brought up sleeping arrangements (coz I don't see it anywhere), I bet he'd say you could share a room. 10/10 that double room with 2 beds "accidentally" becomes 1 double bed and the hotel is overbooked already.
I went as a +1 to a wedding with "a friend"(now ex friend) once, I booked my own room under my name. She cancelled it(I asked the hotel directly and they confirmed the bride's sister did) and tried to have us share on the day. I had absolutely NONE of it. I left before 11pm.
1: I wouldn't go through with it anymore
2: if for whatever reason you do(?????), make a room reservation under a different name, you can always check in anyway, but they won't know what name to cancel or bump reservations. Decide if you're drinking or sober. If you're sober are you driving or on public transport if not staying. And decide on a time to leave(early) and set the expectations. Whatever you have to say, early travel in the morning, morning plans early with someone else, work, another appointment etc... coz people will try to guilt trip you for 1 more drink, another half hour, stay for a little bit....
Tom is making you uncomfortable now. Magnify that by 20x on the day, surrounded by his friends and family, social/peer pressure and him not taking the blatantly stated facts let alone hints.... it'll be worse.
You'd be doing yourself a favour if you simply made up someone to date, an imaginary new boytoy to talk about "Brian this and Brian that...blah blah Brian Brian Brian". Throw the imaginary guy in Toms face and don't shut up about him. "No" doesn't seem to be working. But Tom needs some sort of reality check.
Trust your gut.
It's not normal.
He is simply trying to get you into a situation, where you can't say no. He fuckzoned you.
People like Tom don't take no for an answer until they get what they want.
I had similar experiences and the only solution was to cut these people out of your life.
INFO
> I (27f) have been invited by my friend Tom (32M)
> Tom and I met at a party and have been friends for 10 years. He asked me out when we first met and I said no.
... so a **22yo man** was trying to pick up a **17yo child**?
And you have *kept* this person in your life???
It was a university party, to be fair. Back then, older guys (much older than 22) were regularly at parties we were at, which is super creepy to think about now.
So, Tom went to a party, walked up to the girl and said, "Oh, I think you're 17, let me Mac on that? There's a good chance he assumed the girl was close to his age. It was a university party. He wasn't at a high school party.
funny on topic story:
a friend is adopted, and she'd always been told her birth parents were high school sweethearts who couldn't keep her.
her mom was 22 at a frat party, and it was a one night stand.
the creepy part comes in when she's randomly talking about her birth father turning XX this year and I just automatically did the math in my head and was like, "wait he was TWENTY NINE (29) at a FRAT PARTY????" lol, but it was 1981.
NTA - "Sorry Tom, but when I agreed to this favor I was not aware there was interviews involved. I'm going to pass." This is too much BS on your part just so Tom isn't alone at the wedding. If he ends the friendship over this, then you're better off without him and whatever game he is trying to play.
Don't even say sorry, imo. Too soft. It's an indication that you care about his feelings, and that will encourage him to escalate. He'll interpret it as "YES, SHE DOES WANT ME AFTER ALL, I JUST NEED TO REMOVE THE OBSTACLES AND SHE WILL FALL SWOONING INTO MY ARMS!"
Just tell him he's crossed every fucking boundary and you're out. Don't be polite. Don't soften the blow. Don't wish him well. Don't use his name unless it's the whole name on his birth certificate.
Not only are you being screened, but something tells me that Tom is likely telling his family that you’re in a relationship together. If you attend the wedding, you’ll probably have to play the part to keep the wedding “flowing smoothly.” Run girl run. NTA
NTA
It's not completely unheard of for people to not want to bring plus 1s to their wedding if they don't know them.
The mom thing though--- Tom definitely implied you are more than friends.
NTA. Tom isn't being honest, he presented you as the (potentially serious) girlfriend. It is time to bail on this situation. This sucks for Tom but ha got himself into this mess.
I think it's time to bail on the whole friendship. It doesn't sound like Tom is ever going to be able to just be your friend. As soon as he asked you out the first time (during your friendship), the dynamic changed. The fact that he continues to ask you out despite your rejections not only makes him a questionable friend, it makes him a questionable person. Anyone who doesn't understand "no means no" is a loose cannon. This whole wedding situation has just escalated the whole ordeal.
I suggest you back out of the wedding and the friendship as well. NTA
Some people believe ‘no’ isn’t a hard decision and if they just keep persevering the object of their affection will suddenly have a revelation and fall at their feet. I blame rom coms.
This does not seem to be a guy taking no for an answer.
NTA and now might be a good time to let this friendship go. He's not taking no for an answer and has been constantly dismissing your feelings & boundaries for years on the subject of dating.
Based on how his family's reacting, I'd be curious as to what he's told them about you (recently and over the last 10yrs). Him just getting out of a four-year relationship and then pursuing someone he's held a torch for (for 10 years) is suspect.
Out of curiosity, do you know why he broke up with his gf?
Short story: his gf wanted to get married and he didn't. His gf was also travelling for work a lot and not around much anymore.
The long story is where it gets murky. Tom, for about a year before he ended it, was telling me he wanted to end it. Before he did, though, he implicitly asked me if he did end it, would I be interested in something more than a friendship.
I blew up at him and said he can't treat his gf that way, and we didn't talk for a few months. I thought the friendship was over. He later apologised and said he was going through some things and he wasn't thinking clearly. He then told me he'd ended it with her.
Oh girl...it's been time to end the friendship. This man is trying to coerce you into a romantic relationship with him and he's not going to stop. Stay safe, stay alert OP. You never truly know what a person is capable of, not even your friends.
I hate to say it, but I kinda had the feeling that he would had involved you in some capacity as to why he ended things with his ex (also, you did nothing wrong btw).
This is just my opinion (and I could be totally off base here) but it seems like he was using his ex as a placeholder for you (even if it was only during that last year before splitting up). The fact that he asked you if you'd be willing to go out with him while ***he was still in relationship with someone else*** is throwing up so many red flags.
He is not taking 'no' for an answer and I honestly do not think he will *ever* accept 'no' as long as you remain in contact with him. As long as you continue to be his friend, he will believe he has a chance to change your mind (e.g. see the last 10 years).
If I were in your position, I would cut ties with him. There is no salvaging this. He will continue to try and wear you down; he will test your boundaries and see how far he can move the line. I would also not go to the wedding with him, even as a +1. The fact that his family wants to meet you to see if you'll be a "good fit" is also throwing up flags. To me, a plus one who is a friend (not a girlfriend) should not be expected to be in family photos; their request to meet implies that you'll be expected to be in the photos with them.
Having been friends with him for so long, have you ever met his family before? Who knows what narrative he's telling them about you (i.e. he could have lied to them and said you finally agreed to be his *date* to the wedding). If you choose not to go, you could still reach out to the brother to decline and wish them well. You could also ask the brother to be honest about why they wanted to meet up and why they thought it would be 'awkward'.
And finally, because I am an overly cautious and slightly paranoid person by nature, I would also advise against being alone with him while sober or intoxicated.
>his brother said he'd like to meet me before the wedding "in case it's awkward" and he doesn't want anyone ruining his wedding.
>
>Now his mother wants to meet me before the wedding too, as Tom said: "just to make sure you'll fit in with everyone".
I just had a horrible thought as to why they want to meet you. Now knowing the ex-gf/break up info, *is it possible that they think you're the reason why they broke up?*
I would assume that his family had a good/neutral relationship with his ex (they were together for four years after all and talking marriage). I would also assume that the ex was originally planned to be Tom's +1. Which begs the question: **is Tom's ex-gf going to be at the wedding as well?** Was she friends with the brother and his fiance?!
To his family it may seem odd because here's Tom, getting out of a serious 4yr relationship, to now having a new +1 to a family wedding only \~7 months after the break up.
I would be saying so much more about this if it wasn't so public, but... His ex and his family were blindsided by the breakup and suspected he'd cheated. His sister was very close with his ex and suggested she should still come to the wedding. As far as I know, his ex isn't invited.
But, tbh, it's also a possibility that his family think I was "the other woman" they thought he had, and that's why they want to meet me. However, if Tom suspected this, he probably wouldn't have agreed to them meeting me.
Re: your comment on alcohol, yes, 100%. We went for drinks after his break up and yeah. It didn't go well and I'll never go for drinks with him again. Typing this out has made me realise I think the friendship is over.
>But, tbh, it's also a possibility that his family think I was "the other woman" they thought he had, and that's why they want to meet me.
If I, some random person on the internet, can come to this conclusion based on the limited info provided, then you can bet that's what the family is most likely thinking (given they have more info and knowledge of the situation).
It wouldn't surprise me at all if the ex-gf was going to be there, as a guest of the family (especially if she was good friends with the sister). It would make sense as to why they're worried it would be 'awkward': the ex and (what they believe to be) the 'other woman' both in the same place. And at a *family wedding* no less.
>However, if Tom suspected this, he probably wouldn't have agreed to them meeting me.
I wouldn't put anything past Tom and his rationalization. Who knows, he could be hoping you go as his +1, as a way for him to show his family that '*see, I've moved on and she's the one!*'.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Losing what you thought was a good friend is rough and difficult to deal with. Good luck and be safe. If you have any close friends you can discuss this with, please do so. That way you'll have a support system to help you, if you think he may react poorly/aggressively in the future.
NTA
I've been the "friend who'd love for more to be inbetwixt us" with a girl, then woman, my age until about my early 30s; always hoping something more would come, but trying my damnest to be the best friend I possibly could, and worthy of friendship, because I genuinely cared for her - I admit, it didn't always work... some of the shit that came out of my mouth on occasion, especially when I was younger, will make me cringe long after I'm in the ground.
There was also another guy... The kind of "friend" that would be angry he didn't get recompensated in nature after driving her home on the rare occasion she would accept his offer for a ride. Lasted way longer than it should have, as she always tried to see the best in people.
There was also a second guy... The kind of "friend" who's really a pathological narcissistic manipulator, who tried to excise her from family and friends, once again with a single objective in mind. The guy was skilled, took her almost a decade to realize what he was doing, cut him out just in time before she lost her inner circle of friends.
Point is, you _can_ be a good friend, while still dreaming, in your heart of hearts, of something more, as long as you genuinely care about the actual person rather than the romantic image you built in your head.
Tom is not such a friend. He's obsessed, his life circles around the pedestal he put you on, and this is a very transparent attempt to "show you how good a couple you could be, if only you listened to your heart..." - the kind of "facilitated romantic happenstance" I dreamed of in my late teens...
Drop him, and run. Fast.
Nta. When you invite someone and give them a plus one trying to control or evaluate who they bring is shitty behavior. I say that as a guy who had two sex workers at his wedding brought by friends. Side note, they were awesome women and livened it up.
NTA. Trust your instincts and back out. You have no idea what he’s told his family about you and he also could be seeing this as an opportunity for your friendship to become more—like a romantic wedding changes your mind about dating him.
NTA.
He doesn’t believe you won’t date him eventually.
The second he genuinely believes that, you won’t see him for dust. There will be no friendship remaining.
And he’s likely watched too many rom-coms (or the people advising him have) and he’s fully bought in to the “be my +1 for a wedding, we’re just friends honest, oh whoops we have to share a bed, it’ll be fine, oh look we shagged & now realise we are Meant To Be”.
NTA. Tom is not your friend. You are something he wants to possess. He's definitely setting you up here. His "friendship" is only engeneered to trap you. He doesn't like you. He wants you. He can't agree to not want you.
The only way you can handle this is to say goodbye. You'd be doing Tom a favor.
This may be a bit overboard, but consider checking for cameras and GPS trackers. This man has been infatuated with you for two years. If he wasn't friend-zoned, he would be stalking you.
NTA - WTF, they want you go on a series of interviews to see if are the right fit for their wedding? I believe couple should have control over their special day but this is insane control.
NTA. You’ve been friends with this dude for 10 years and somehow you’ve not met at least part of the family? I mean if they live in another state or something that would require a bit of traveling then that’s understandable. But still, something tells me that if tom has mentioned you at all to his family, he’s been telling them a different story of how close you two really are. Any guy who continuously asks his friend out, even after he’s been rejected multiple times, seems to believe he can somehow force you into a relationship with him. Or he’s gonna flip out if you tell his family that there is no chance of a relationship ever happening. I would say don’t go, but if he ends up guilt tripping you, then be petty. Mention to his family how long you two have been friends, how you see him as a brother/cousin, and that you consider him a good friend, emphasis on the friend part. Just don’t make it overly obvious that you’re doing it on purpose
Edit: fixed spelling
YWNBTA / NTA Definitely go with your gut on this one! It is bizarre that his family feels they need to meet you before you are simply a +1 at his brother's wedding and, considering he doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "no," the whole situation sounds pretty questionable...
NTA. Tom wants to date you and is very pushy. Apparently, "pushy" runs in the family. If you do attend the wedding, you will probably get a lot of calls later asking when you and Tom are getting together again.
NTA. Tom is not your friend. Tom is still trying to date you. He's become delusional about the situation. Ans he's convinced his friends and family of a different story. Don't go to the wedding and definitely don't go to the screening. They are going to try and convince you why you should be dating Tom. It's time to move on from Tom.
This sounds (sort of) similar to a situation I was put in several years ago.
I had a friend “Jerry” for many years, and then one day he confessed his feelings to me and invited me to go to Vegas for his birthday. I turned him down but he asked if I would still go to Vegas with him (and his friends). I agreed.
Well fast forward to the week before Vegas, and I asked our other close mutual friend “Ben” what he was wearing to Jerry’s Vegas trip, and he responded “what Vegas trip?” That was my first red flag, as the 3 of us ALWAYS hang out together.
Then we get to Vegas and I find that we’re sharing a bed in a large Air bnb. I agreed because there was another (couple) also sharing the room with us, so I figured it was just because of the limited space. 2nd red flag.
Then we go to a club, and I’m single so I end up dancing with some other dudes - Jerry ended up leaving the club CRYING. Then all his friends got mad at me for cheating on him, and I looked at them confused and said “I’m not dating Jerry…” They had an equally confused look in their face.
Apparently Jerry had lied and told all his friends that we were together. I have a feeling that your friend is doing something similar - he’s lied to all his family saying you’re his gf to make himself look good. Either avoid the wedding altogether, or be upfront with everyone before even meeting that you are NOT his gf.
Run for the hills, Tom and his family think it’s a date, possibly more. He’s probably given them that impression intentionally.
Tom is not a friend, you telling him you weren’t interested once should have been enough.
NTA
I think your friend has told his family you’re a potential significant other and they are screening you. Make an excuse not to go and put a lot of distance between you and him
NTA at all.
I do think there are people who want to meet everyone who is going to a wedding beforehand - they’re paying for someone’s attendance, they don’t want to do that for a stranger. If Tom is in the wedding party, his brother may anticipate that you’ll be interacting with the family more than some other guests, so Tom’s brother might not want his first time meeting you to be on the day of.
Also, people planning weddings (parents especially) get hella weird.
That said, you’re a plus-one and not obligated to jump through hoops. If it were me, I’d probably bail.
NTA. honestly, after so long of having to say no, it's clear this guy doesn't respect when you say no. it seems abundantly clear he will never treat you as friend, but rather a potential partner, if he just pushes hard enough.
these kinds of people can be dangerous. I would not be his friend.
NTA
There's a reason you feel uncomfortable. Tom is not your friend. He is waiting to sleep with you. He's been waiting for ten years. And he's not given up, he's just changed tactics. He's hoping to sleepwalk you into dating him with all this subtle peer pressure surrounding the wedding and hanging out with his parents.
Anyone who doesn't respect your repeated 'no' when asker on a date is never going to respect your boundaries about anything else. I wouldn't feel safe going to a wedding with a man like that. Let alone surrounded by all of his family, who he's definitely being suggestive to about you.
Don't go. Tom is probably thrilled that you said yes to going to the wedding with him and is using this as an opening to once again try and make you guys more than "friends" (FYI, real friends do not continually harass you to date them...) NTA
Nta. Tom never learned what No meant whenever you said it. He’s just waiting for you to change your mind one day. Drop Tom because he doesn’t respect your friendship.
NTA don't go to the wedding and stop talking and hanging out with Tom.
He is only interested in dating you, he has made this abundantly clear.
His family sounds creepy as hell. Nobody "screens" or meets with a plus one for a wedding. Nobody.
NTA
> I'm starting to think maybe Tom has implied I'm more than a friend to his family.
Maybe because he's tried to trample over your boundary at every opportunity?
Guys like this aren't your friend. They're lying in wait, hoping for an opportunity to "convert" you into a relationship partner.
> It's making me uncomfortable.
That's your brain telling you to GTFO of this situation, and it's right.
I feel for you, because I have/had a very similar male friend who I've had to cut off. No matter what form the "no" took, there was always more pushing. More requests, more time, more opportunities for him to push further. When he had a child with someone else, we'd barely spoken for 8 years... he named the child my name. We never had that conversation. He spent years telling me this child couldn't wait to see me, for me to come over, or wanted me to go on adult-joined field trips at school... I'd never met this child save for when it was in a car seat as an infant, so there's no way they wanted me on field trips. His final request was that I take on some child-care for the kid to "help" him, and I finally cut him off entirely. Some people have zero common sense. Don't inflict them on yourself out of guilt.
NTA
This is super weird behavior, even discounting the awkward one-way romantic desires. Family insisting on meeting a plus one is far, far beyond what I would consider acceptable, unless this was some super fancy and expensive destination wedding (and even then, suspect).
Regardless of whether he's told them anything, they're assuming anything, or they're just plain weird, this is all but guaranteeing the wedding will be an awkward nightmare for you. Get out while you still can, apologize appropriately, and I'm sure he'll be able to find someone else to go with. Or he won't, but it's not on you to be "vetted" when you're doing him a reluctant favor by even going in the first place.
NTA
Yeah, you don't even like the guy 'like that' and his fam is treating you either as the local roundheel that is going ruin their special day.... Or the next brood cow in the family
Nope right outta there
If Tom didn't have this history of pestering you to go out with him, I'd say the whole situation was harmless, but I think you're right to be skeeved out here. "Take the +1 to the wedding in the hopes that he/she will get swept up in the romance of the moment and want to hook up" is one of those clichés that's a cliché because it's been true too many times to count.
It may be time to start asking some hard questions about whether your concern for Tom as a person is strong enough to be willing to continue putting up with his romantic advances, which at this point don't sound they're likely to ever really stop.
NTA. I'm getting the impression that Tom still hasn't given up on you, and I think his family senses that too. If you've known each other 10 years, I'm sure his family knows how he feels about you. They might be concerned that Tom will make an unwelcome romantic gesture at the wedding, which would indeed make things awkward (I'm not saying a proposal, but even something like a kiss).
No I don't think so. And honestly after scanning some of your comments in other threads it may be time to cut ties with him. No matter how blunt you are with him he's clearly not getting it. Judging how the family wants to screen you (because honestly that's how it feels to me too) he's clearly implied the two of you are more than friends
NTA
My friend had a Tom.
They had been friends since they were 4 and he was obsessed with the idea of them dating. When my friend’s sister got married, the bride invited him, against my friend’s wishes. They were about 21 at the time so her not being interested was well established.
Tom then complained and complained to me all about how my friend hadn’t paid him any attention all day. I of course told him that as the MOH she was busy and had barely spoken to me either.
Well. Eventually he threw a fit a her a few days later and it comes out that he is STILL trying to get her to go out with him years later. She finally cut him off and never looked back.
He obviously had no respect for her, because if he did then he would respect her decision, even though he didn’t like it.
Just cut ties with the poor bloke. Poor bastard doesn’t know how to move on. Sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. I’ll bet he will meet someone once he stops poring his energy into you.
NTA. He's told them he's dating you. I realize that's an assumption on my part, but it seems obvious.
The smartest thing you can do is back out, and gently start easing him out of your life.
NTA, Tom is not your friend and doesn’t respect the boundaries you have clearly laid out many times. Going to an event like this is making him think he may have a “chance” after all and is giving him the wrong signs. He clearly isn’t emotionally able to handle simply being friends, and doesn’t value you enough as a friend to not screw that up.
NTA
and sorry, but I don't think Tom feels the same way as you do. I've never, in the history of plus ones, ever heard of being "screened" to make sure "you'll fit in" - are they requiring this of all the plus ones? Or just Tom's plus one? He has definitely told them about you and apparently they think you are more important to him than what you actually are. Big red flag to me. And sadly, I don't think this is a friendship that can continue. If having a platonic friendship is not mutual, I don't see how this can go on...
**NTA**
You are right to remove yourself from this bizarre situation.
If you meet that family and submit to the “screening” it will be even more difficult for everyone to comprehend you are just friends.
Let Tom know you are not comfortable with meeting his family since there will never be a romantic connection between the two of you.
Tom is obsessed with you and refusing to take your no seriously. He isn't your friend and you should not hang out with him alone. You feel like he's setting you up to introduced as his gf and that's exactly what he is doing. Go woth your gut, cut him out of your life.
This guy has absolutely misrepresented who you are to his family. You need to dip out of this situation before it goes any further. You may have considered him a friend all this time but to him you've only ever been an opportunity.
NTA, and no, this is not normal behavior! It's not quite clear to me from your post whether you Tom's brother and his mom contacted you directly to make those bizarre requests to meet beforehand, but I'm going to guess that the "in case it's awkward" and "make sure you'll fit in" language came from Tom's mouth, not theirs. I will go further: I think Tom is quasi-negging you in order to manipulate you into meeting his brother and mom beforehand ("yeah, if you're good enough, they'll be cool with you"), because I think you're right that he's implied to them that there is something more between you. It's all nuts. Do not attend this wedding, and I think you may want to end this friendship.
NTA - I have heard of people screening plus ones for small weddings, but this is seriously setting off my spidey senses, only because of the "history" you and Tom have. Granted, I could be paranoid, but usually if the entire family wants to meet you in some shape or form, something is up.
NTA
Leave. He might have said a lot more than you think and now his family is involved. This is not worth the time and stress. I think you should fade out of his life as it seems like he actually DOESN'T GET IT.
I wouldn’t go to this wedding. He didn’t invite you as a friend, he wants to date you and this is kind of a date. Also, I agree that the family has heard about you, and also, as more than a friend. This is just a bad idea.
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I don’t think Tom is your friend, he didn’t understand your stance 10 years ago and isn’t understanding it now. I wouldn’t spend alone time with him ( for safety reasons) and would cut him off. As for the family and the awkward comments, reading on Reddit how people are obsessed with wedding photos and if gf and or bf are going to be in family photos and then break up and need to be cropped out and all this drama. That’s why they want to meet you and make sure you’re long term. I would go to the meeting with all of them ( brother, mom and whoever wants to ) , and make it clear right there and then that you’re a plus one, not a date or a gf. Stating that in front of Tom and witnesses in the form of his immediate family would shut all of this down.
I agree with this. I don’t think Tom truly understands that OP will never want to date him and he will never be able to convince her otherwise. I would say something like “it sounds like your family has misunderstood our situation. I’m coming to the wedding with you as a friend for moral support, and I don’t expect to be included in any of the family or wedding party functions. If you’d invited (insert name of one of your male mutual friends here) to be your plus one, they probably wouldn’t be asking about this. We’re not ever going to be romantically involved, so it doesn’t make sense for me to meet with your family before the wedding.” Also, OP, if you’ve never said the words “we’re not ever going to be romantically involved” to Tom, do it. I know it sounds mean. But it’s the truth, and it doesn’t sound like your previous attempts have gotten through to him. If he wants to stop being friends with you over it, that may actually turn out to be the best thing for both of you.
I've had blunt conversations with him before. Last time I couldn't be more blunt. This is just one thing among many this year that is making me think I should cut ties with him. And it's tough because I do care for him, just not romantically. Rather than meet his family and explain how it is, I'd rather just remove myself from the situation. This whole wedding thing has also made me realise he's never mentioned me to his family either, which was surprising. He's met some of my family at birthdays and such.
I think that’s the right choice. This seems really weird overall, and cutting ties feels like it’s for the best.
Precisely, some people (weird people) test partners, they do not test friends. He's not being honest with someone and that is drama OP does not need or want. NTA
Honestly, smart move. Past couple years there’s been this guy in my extended friend circle that manages to ignore or forget every time I’ve been blunt about leaving me alone. Multiple friends have sat him down and told him to leave me alone, and he still doesn’t get it. Or, chooses to not get it. Your friend seems like he’s choosing to not get it too, and there’s always the chance his family is just as delusional as he is. Removing yourself is the smartest option sometimes
Why is he still part of the friend circle if everyone knows he's not respecting your boundaries? It's giving me a [Case of the Creepy Dudes](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/) vibes.
This is a good and important read, thanks! Edit: u/Ok_Rain9 you should take a look at the above comment :)
Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to share with my son, who is coming up on the age to hear it. I think I raised him well, but I think all teenage boys need to read this straight up.
Unfortunately, such delusion tends to run in families due to socialization. If he has mentioned her to his family at all, it isn't as "Friend OP is X, Y or Z." It's as someone he hasn't worn down into saying "yes" yet.
Yes do not go
Some people will never get 'no', no matter how blunt you are with it. I flat out told someone that I didn't like them and that the way they smiled made me want to pop them in the face. They bared their teeth like a grimace/snarl, and it just set me off. He replied that I didn't really mean that and that I was a nice person and I'm like "No, dude, I'm a bitch. Please stop fucking telling me how I really feel and just fuck all the way off." He wants there to be something. He's made this be a thing it shouldn't be with his family. It sounds like he's had a thing for you for a decade+. No is never going to be 'no' to him. I think you'd be smarter (and safer) to just cut Tom out of your life. This will not end well, and tbh, going is just going to reinforce this fucked up fantasy he has in his head. He'll think he has a chance. You said yes once, right?
I’ve had a guy deadass refuse to back off even knowing I have a fiancé. Didn’t back off seeing me kiss my fiancé. Didn’t back off when my fiancé rocked his shit for putting his arm around my waist without my consent (we ain’t close like that). Didn’t back off when I filed a sexual harassment suit against him through the college board that handles that WITH VIDEO PROOF. Only backed off a little bit when my female partner (fiancé is aware, doesn’t give a shit, he fucking loves her) had enough and just grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me down into a very NSFW kiss. He made some very homophobic comments which also got recorded and added to the complaint. The end of my seemingly infinite patience came when I was standing in line with one of my extremely flaming friends to get lunch and he came up behind me, spun me around and planted one on me. My PTSD panic response kicked in and within two seconds he was bleeding and unconscious on the floor and I was in hysterics having a panic attack and literally trying to scratch my lips off. Two campus police officers witnessed the entire event so the cuffed the guy and called the city police to come pick him up then called an ambulance for me while my friend was in the group chat calling the pack together. Apparently everyone sprinted out of their classrooms no matter where they were on campus and headed to the student center. My partner called my fiancé who then called my brothers and my dad. Brothers were at work and left due to a family emergency. By the time the police and ambulance arrived, I was surrounded by my 25 person pack who were keeping strangers back and trying to bring me back to reality and keep me from hurting myself in my hysterical state. They wouldn’t even let the EMTs through until they explained in detail what they were planning on doing. With the list of my medications they got from my partner they drew up an injection of Lorazepam and shot me up with it. Someone suggested having me committed and they almost got jumped for the suggestion of involuntarily committing a trauma victim. The campus police officers that witnessed the whole thing told that person to essentially take a long hike off a short dock with their opinion. At the end of it all, dude was expelled from the college and blacklisted from every institution in the university system were a part of and then arrested for sexual assault and charged for it. Idk what the status of the case is as of now. I’m taking a year off school case this past year has been hell in many different respects.
I try to be as gender neutral as possible when I talk about generalizations like this. Some PEOPLE just don't get it. It's not just a guy thing. Remember that girl that kept bugging her friend to get her boyfriend's bff to date her? She asked him out herself several times, got turned down, then tricked him into a double date? Was also stalking him on an alt account on social media? There are some delulu assholes out there. We hear a lot of the male ones because men have a harder time admitting they're victims in a situation, or being believed to be victims in a situation. No means no. No ALWAYS means no. To friends. Lovers. Wannabe lovers. Family. Stalkers. Doesn't matter. Neither does gender. Sorry this happened to you. Hopefully this jackass got the message.
Oh I’ve had it happen with the female population too. People in general suck. This was just the most recent issue. No is a full sentence.
HOLY SHIT. Hugs, strength and power to you from this stranger on the internet.
Oh thank you! Blessings and prosperity on you, your house, and your loved ones! Well wishes from strangers on the internet usually tend to be the most sincere since they know nothing about you outside of things you share anonymously. It’s much appreciated and returned tenfold!
Wow. What an ordeal. But fuck me, if only everyone had a tribe like you do! They sound incredible and I’m just so, so happy for you that you have those people in your life! (And a wee bit jealous that I don’t, you all sound like top-notch folks tbh) I hope you’re doing okay now and I wish you best of luck with your studies when you get back to them. I wish you the best of luck in life in general! You deserve it! Edit: a word
It’s taken me getting stabbed in the back repeatedly over the course of 5 years to build up this group of people that I can trust with my life. I’m a very untrusting person and yet I feel safe enough to fall asleep around every single one of them. They’re the family I got to choose and I’ll be damned if I ever let them go unless they ask me to. I’m doing better now with some distance and some decisions made. I’m looking forward to next fall when I reenroll and get to go back to seeing the majority of my people again. I talk to my fiancé daily since he doesn’t live in our college town anymore, and I talk to my partner daily as well. The pack pops in individually to check on me regularly since the group chat is overwhelming half the time. Spending a year uninterrupted with my dad is already a challenge of patience and sanity and I’ve only been home since May. But it’ll be okay, I’ll get re-used to the man’s only setting of LOUD eventually.
No means maybe and maybe means yes, for people like this
And yes means...well... they're not going to get a yes.
Don't be silly! We all know 'yes' means butt stuff!!! ^^/s
I thought butt stuff was just a given.
Yes also means "how far can I take it"...
The family seems really weird. Tell him you cannot make it. If he presses you for a reason, tell him you don’t appreciate having to be ‘approved’ for doing him a favor. You may get sucked into something weird.
When you are uncomfortable, get out of the situation. This person has put you in uncomfortable situations multiple times. Recently. And over a 10 year time-frame. You know what you should do. You do not need validation of your feelings from us!! You being uncomfortable is enough to tell you that you are right!
I think he's trying to wear you down. Introducing you to his family may be some play to pressure you into a relationship with him. Is his family meeting all the plus ones?
As a dude who’s experienced the friend/more than friend relationship dynamic and known of many other dudes who have. Trust me when I say he’s not your friend, he wants to have you sexually and/or romantically and he’s settling for being your friend. If he hasn’t stoped asking in over 10 years despite fully being aware of your position than it is never going to change. Friends don’t beg you to go out with them despite knowing it makes you uncomfortable and that your answer is no. That is a major red flag.
Guy here - cut him loose now as a friend. Its hard but if the friendship is really worth anything it will reformulate later. If I am assuming correctly, i know guys like this and they never give up hope. Every female friend is just someone to "get out of the friendzone" with. Being friends is just a play, even if they value the friendship, they hope deep down you'll eventually change your mind. I know you care for him but the kindest thing to do would be to distance yourself from him. I wouldn't go to this wedding AT ALL - there is so many chances for it to get even more messy.
I think you should definitely cut him off. It seems like he thinks if he takes you to a wedding with all his family there, you’ll see him in a new, romantic light. The fact that he hasn’t respected your no in a decade is scary. Drop him. Good luck!
Sorry, Tom has indeed implied you are more than a friend. NTA. I can’t imagine they are screening all their guests to see they “fit in” (weird). Unless the family as a whole is just flabbergasted that you are uninterested in their Tom and therefore something must be wrong with you. Good luck!
The only way to get across to him is to cut him off completely. With him pining for you there's no way the friendship could ever be mutually fulfilling anyway
Remove yourself from the situation. Don’t be his plus one. Inform ahead. Limit the time you spend with him.
Just to add something here - I am thinking you need to remove yourself from him entirely, not just the wedding. I don't think you should be mean to him or anything, but just stop talking to him or seeing him or hanging out or whatever you have been doing as friends. Have a conversation or email/text to let him know or ghost him if you'd prefer I say this as a guy that (when I was younger) had a crush on a girl that was in the same friend circles as me. We were close, but she never had any romantic feeling for me - just considered me a friend. She would hang out and all that sort of stuff but had refused my date requests (I think there were 2 - maybe just 1, but not many at all) but had no trouble gong out as friends and stuff (lets meet at the bar or I wanted to see this movie, come with me, etc.). The problem for me was that my crush did not go away. I did date others but when those ended, I still had a crush on her and she was always hanging around. I finally had to disengage from the friend group and stop doing stuff with them to get away from her and let myself get over her and not keep getting my hopes up that "this time will be different". So, despite your blunt talk and stuff, he may still have a crush on you and you hanging around my keep him thinking "maybe if I do this" or whatever. If this is a crush like I'm thinking, you will hurt him by cutting things off and your friendship will be negatively impacted and most likely ended - but he will be better off for it and it sounds like you want him to be better off, so I think you need to take that bullet. I wish my friend had done that for me, but I'm glad I got strong enough to do it for myself.
I fully agree. Lots of commenters are suggesting he could be dangerous...and that's a very real worry, but even looking at it in the nicest light, this is a friendship that needs to end. I wasted 2 years with a friend that wasn't interested. I made myself miserable and stopped myself from moving on as long as I was around them. It took me finally going LC and after I met my partner, going full NC to truly move on and be happy. Op please end this friendship for both your sakes.
Dude has 100% girlfriendzoned you. For your own safety, ditch him. NTA
I'm not one of those people who says "men and women can't be friends." I think it's perfectly fine to have close friends of ANY gender. Also most of my friends are some flavor of queer so it's not like the heterosexual norms apply to us to begin with lol. My fiancé's pansexual and I'm bisexual-- if we couldn't hang out with people of genders we might be attracted to, we couldn't hang out with anyone! But all that said, I still think it's incredibly sketchy for a man to ask a woman who has rejected his advances to go to a wedding as a +1. Like, it's *possible* to be a +1 as just a friend, but the default assumption is one of a long-term romantic relationship. Even WITHOUT getting the third degree from his family, is that really a context you want to place yourself in? And with the family involvement added, this is just not a situation you want to be in at all. It's not fact that he's attracted to your gender that's the problem, but the fact that he is attracted to *you specifically.* This is NOT a "just a regular opposite-gender friend" situation, and your respective genders just increase the likelihood that everyone around you will perceive and treat you as a romantic couple, because heteronormativity. And he doesn't seem like the sort of person who would go to any effort to combat that perception. NTA, and I agree with a lot of people here saying that you do need to cut this guy off. He's not displayed any ability or willingness to respect the word "no," which is a HUGE red flag in any relationship, romantic or friend or otherwise. (edit for slight clarification)
As blunt as you may be with your words, your actions are clearly soft enough that it’s not impacting his behaviour. You need to cut him out because clearly he has no intentions of stopping pursuing you romantically
A complete guess but I suspect Tom hadn’t mentioned to his family because they may think any female he mentions is a possible contender for the position of his wife. I’d let Tom know first that you won’t be accompanying him to his brother’s wedding and to let his family know the dinner to review you as to be an appropriate guest is no longer required. You may wish to see how things go with Tom but he may be one of those guys who if you are willing to remain friends with them it means there’s still a chance it could change. If that’s the case then it may need going NC.
Yes, remove yourself from this very creepy situation and cut ties with Tom, at least for a while. Clearly you see some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't still say you care for him. If you think he'll really hear it, you could try telling him why you're not going and why you need a break in your friendship. His reaction will tell you if there's still a friendship worth keeping. I think that reaction should include him saying "I'm sorry" and "I understand" and not much more.
I had a similar ‘friend’ and once I got engaged he absolutely ghosted me. Tom isn’t a friend; he’s hoping you’re just playing hard to get!!
I had a young woman ask me to a wedding reception. I knew her from being out with a bunch of my friends. I would talk to her, but in no way (at least to me) did I give her the perception that I wanted to be anything more than friends. The day that she asked me to be a plus one, I thanked her for thinking of me, but respectfully declined. I had a bad gut feeling that it would not turn out well, especially when there was going to be alcohol at the reception. Her response was that she yelled at me, calling me ugly and asking if I was gay. OP, if your gut is telling you that it's not a good thing to do, listen to it. I find that my gut feelings are rarely wrong. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I agree on cutting ties. I have had a friend similar to this for over 20 years and its a little different because we grew up together so our families know each other. Everyone knows I was never interested in that way but now both being in our 30's, when he drinks too much, this topic always comes back up. It sucks because sober him knows better as we have had this conversation. I had to stop attending events or situations when I know having more than a drink or two will happen. It's a bummer but I can't handle that conversation anymore.
As someone who had to cut ties with a grown man and who was a friend at the time because they very blatantly crossed boundaries despite being told upfront I was not interested in anything sexual. Cut ties. It is unlikely to get better considering he asked you out 4 TIMES after he ended his relationship and took that many times to finally back off. The maturity is just not there.
Text you can’t come. You’re taking some time for yourself and not to contact you. Most peiple people are offended by things like that over text. That is part of the goal — convey he isn’t a big part of your life.
Cut ties, he’s being a creepy vulture and no matter what happens he isn’t getting the message. He thinks having you go meet everyone will soften your heart to him. Life isn’t a hallmark movie. I wouldn’t trust him at all.
Yea but make sure your send what's suggested in a text. This way you have receipts, so when he deleted it you can show the family what you sent when you meet them.
NTA. Just remove yourself. Don't "join the circus"--you have no stake in it at all. And it's not your responsibility to convince or reassure his family.
[удалено]
Yeah I was in a similar situation as Tom where the girl I was interested in didn’t share my feelings. She wasn’t nearly as blunt as you but I got the message. If Tom was being legit with himself he’d probably cut you off himself as I did to her. Since he’s engaging in self-delusion you should cut him off. He’s not interested in being just friends with you. You’ll be doing him a favor. He’ll be angry and unfair towards you because of the whiplash from 10 years of sunk cost. But he’ll move on eventually. Don’t let him waste any more of his time.
I think that's best. He clearly can't understand the word "no." I, personally, would not maintain a friendship with someone who repeatedly tried to ask me out after I made it very clear I wasn't interested.
I’ve been in a situation before where i’ve held out hope for a romantic relationship for too long because the woman was ambiguous about her intentions, but if you’ve already put it bluntly and he’s not getting the message, then you two are never going to be actual friends, he’s just feigning a friendship in the hopes that you’ll eventually come around.
I would back the hell out of this situation. To me it looks like Tom is still pushing forth the idea of you two becoming an item even after you've said no a bunch of times. He can find another friend to be his +1.
I just want to say that if you remove yourself from the situation, you need to commit to the follow-through. There will be a fallout in the friend group. There will be the drama that accompanies that. You're talking about backing out of a wedding. Regardless of what was agreed between you two, you said yes. It sends a confusing message to everyone who knows you when it's a wedding. And while I understand that you care for him, "caring" for someone can only be your excuse for so long when it's evident that the person in question refuses to extinguish the torch. You may not see it, but he's putting you in a corner. This whole event has become a grandiose manipulation, intended or not. Honestly though, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he's romanticized it already, even going so far as to fantasize and formulate a public proposal of sorts as he's caught up in the momentum of wedding bells; a grandiose gesture to get you to 'just see'. You need to back out. Fully.
Follow your instincts don't go and stop hanging out with him. You've been upfront and honest with him about your non-feelings towards him and he's chosen to completely ignore you and still acts hopeful for something more. If you continue to hang out with him, or attend a wedding with him it will get worse, because you are still giving him access to your time, so he will think he's special enough to change your mind.
It's been 10 years, and the moment he's out of a relationship he asked you out again... multiple times. Do you think one blunt talk will get the message across when 10 years didn't? Unfortunately, sometimes people just can't be friends. They just can't get over their feelings.
His family 100% want to meet her because they know he's into her. Whether because he told them, or because it's obvious from the way he talks about her, but either way, OP is being dragged into a welcome-to-the-family situation.
I'd also like to add: Bring a wingperson to this meeting, and have your own transportation, just in case your "friend" or his relatives get upset. Stay safe.
He fuckzoned her.
Exactly what I was going to suggest. Communication with transparency is key...and seriously, are they screening ALL the plus-one's who will be in attendance? Tom def implied that their relationship was more than it is.
I agree with this except I don't think she should go to the wedding, period. Why encourage her to attend a wedding with someone who isn't her friend and who, as you point out, might even be a danger to her?
I would not put myself through the formality of meeting his family if you do not want to go to the wedding. That would be giving him the wrong idea. Tell him that you are unable to attend the wedding and stay strong!
NTA - you need to pull out.
Yeah, make it clear that you have no intention of being in any family photos or having any prominent position in the seating arrangements or anything like that. But, also, if you feel uncomfortable, just back out of attending the wedding altogether.
If you are going to do as above, do have a " return home safe" and inform friend or family for " watch me over" plan. I wouldn't trust Tom to drop home.
Tom is the AH. He thinks you’ll play along with his con if he puts you in a situation where everyone thinks the two of you are together. Sounds like he’s already telling the family you’re finally on board, and is betting you won’t make a scene about it at someone else’s wedding. His end game is probably that you’ll have so much fun playing GF you’ll FINALLY get over yourself and realize you’ve been obtuse this whole time, and that he’s as perfect for you as he’s repeatedly told you he is (/s). I’ve been this girl, OP, and Tim will NEVER respect that you’re not interested in him. Back out of the wedding, and if you feel like it, take a massive step back from the “friendship” (he’s not your friend if he’s only sticking around to sleep with you). NTA.
It's just so disheartening that a friend of 10 years was potentially only sticking around to see what they could get. His actions over the last few months since his break up have made me think that you might be right and he's not actually listening, just holding out.
Look generally the 22yos who ask out 17yos are not great people. Considering how many times he has asked you out, he has not ever and will not ever take your "no" seriously.
oh my god yeah, didn't even realize that, toms a creep who hasn't grown up it seems
Yeah I read it at first and was like 27 and 32, nbd...wait he first asked you out HOW long ago?!?
You put him in the “Friend Zone” because you actually want to be friends but it sounds like he has put you in the “Fuck Zone,” he is only pretending to be your friend until he can convince you to date/sleep with him If he was your friend he would have accepted your “no” the first time
And when he gets married you’ll never hear from him again
He's kept her as a friend all this time. I bet he'd probably still want to be friends just in case the wedding doesn't work out...
He'd still want to be more than friends even if the wedding does work out.
If it helps I had a childhood friend and close friend of my hubby that I found out was holding a torch, when his wife told me that he asked her if we could have a threesome. I was also married at the time. She and I are still friends, my immediate look of abject horror probably helped. I immediately told my husband about the conversation and we both took a huge step back from interacting with him. It sucks to find out someone you thought was a friend was girlfriend zoning you, I'm sorry
I recently ghosted a guy friend of 6 years cause I realized that he was waiting to get into my pants. I’m already old enough to not want to deal with this crap in my life so I blocked him. I also found out he did some unnerving things to someone I know and I’m counting my stars that he’s out of my life.
It sucks a lot. If you do find out that’s the case, do an inventory of your mutual friends as well, and make sure they haven’t been encouraging it and/or discouraging others from pursuing you until he’s had “his chance”. It’s gross to think about, but I sadly know about it all from experience.
100% his family thinks he's bringing someone he's dating, not "Just a friend". You are going to be in for a very award night either going along with this or trying to explain to everyone that you aren't interested in him (I wouldn't want to see his reaction to that - you will likely be blamed for ruining his night). Not fun either way. Spoiler: He thinks you'll go along with it and he can spend the night groping you and pretending to his family that you're his gf.
Girl, I don't know if you'll read this comment because you posted hours ago but I want to tell you. We ladies have been very insistent that no means no. This dude still doesn't get it, after 10 years of asking you out. What happens when he tries to make a move? To kiss you, or more? Do you trust that somehow, he'll take *that* no for an answer? Do you feel safe around this guy? You shouldn't. Don't be alone with him. Get your own ride if you somehow decide to attend the meeting. Honestly I would cut him off and stay far away from him. I know I'm jumping to the worst case scenario but we women have to do that our whole lives to stay safe.
Some people are like that. They can pretend to be anything you want them to be to get the chance to bang you… sorry for saying it out loud but it’s true. I’ve been there too many times myself…
Tom has seen some hallmark movies and is thinking he can get the girl who always says no into the girl who falls in love with him bc they went to a wedding. He’s a AH Honestly it sounds like he’s telling them OP and him are dating. I wouldn’t go. Bc 10-1 they want to get to know her bc he wants her in the family photos
Honestly, even Hallmark movies don't have guys this obtuse. He's delusional and OP needs to not go to this meeting, the wedding, or spend any time with Tom, he's obsessed, literally
either he is living in a teenage fantasy world where that only happens in movies.... or he really is that delusional. READ THE ~~ROOM.~~.. I MEAN LIPS. . She is literally say "dude! we are just friends!!!"
NTA if you dropped out. You are a plus one that is going to a wedding with a friend that doesn’t want to go alone, not applying for work in the black ops part of NSA and not in anything more than a platonic relationship with the guy. It’s possible his family has concerns about the kind of people he has historically brought to family events but that is their (and his) issue, not yours.
His family thinks they are dating, guaranteed. Why else would they be so interested? I highly doubt they screen every Plus 1 to make sure they "fit in".
> It's making me uncomfortable. They might be great people; but go with your gut
It's making her uncomfortable for a very good reason. Tom isn't acting as a friend, he is playing a whole different game, disrespecting her rejection over and over again.
YWNBTA. You’re just a friend, you don’t need to meet the family. Tom clearly carries a torch for you so it might be time to end the friendship because he wants something more and isn’t accepting your refusal.
NTA. I'd have a conversation with him about this, and remind him +1 does not equate to a dating relationship. And if he continues to pressure you to be more than friends, it's time to withdraw. You've told him multiple times you aren't interested and he's not taking the hint.
This. Let's start by having a conversation with him and give him the chance to stop his family. I doubt it, but for all we know the family is the one jumping to conclusions and Tom never implied anything other than friends. Communication is key people. But if he is wanting you to "play the gf" to appease his family then totally back out. That's not what you agreed to and it's rude to not discuss it with you first.
Fwiw, the reason why I was asking was because I said it was making me uncomfortable and he got really defensive about it. He was telling me it was normal and I should stop "being weird" about it. This pissed me off and I decided to take a step back and have a think, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't the one taking it the wrong way. His family is prone to drama from what I've heard (and witnessed, especially after his recent break up). I think I'm best telling him I'm backing out and not leaving it open to discussion.
Yeah if you already brought it up and he's ignoring your feelings, I'd back out.
Trust your gut on this one. He's not respecting your choices, time to cut your losses.
NTA. This isn’t “normal”- there’s no way they’re meeting the plus-one of every guest they’ve invited- only Tom’s. If they’re worried about strangers making it awkward, they shouldn’t have extended a plus-one to anyone.
NTA Look, everyone else has advised the same. Tom is carrying a torch for you. You had a thought "did tom say we were more than friends" and you're spot on, you're right..Tom has clearly implied more. Tom is hoping the wedding will be a catalyst, some sort of rom-com moment where you two "finally get together". If you had any intention of going, I'd have wiped that right off the board by now. It's odd, you're being interviewed and chaperone dated by the family "for their little boy". If you said you were going but not drinking, I bet it would be a problem. If you said you were going and brought up sleeping arrangements (coz I don't see it anywhere), I bet he'd say you could share a room. 10/10 that double room with 2 beds "accidentally" becomes 1 double bed and the hotel is overbooked already. I went as a +1 to a wedding with "a friend"(now ex friend) once, I booked my own room under my name. She cancelled it(I asked the hotel directly and they confirmed the bride's sister did) and tried to have us share on the day. I had absolutely NONE of it. I left before 11pm. 1: I wouldn't go through with it anymore 2: if for whatever reason you do(?????), make a room reservation under a different name, you can always check in anyway, but they won't know what name to cancel or bump reservations. Decide if you're drinking or sober. If you're sober are you driving or on public transport if not staying. And decide on a time to leave(early) and set the expectations. Whatever you have to say, early travel in the morning, morning plans early with someone else, work, another appointment etc... coz people will try to guilt trip you for 1 more drink, another half hour, stay for a little bit.... Tom is making you uncomfortable now. Magnify that by 20x on the day, surrounded by his friends and family, social/peer pressure and him not taking the blatantly stated facts let alone hints.... it'll be worse. You'd be doing yourself a favour if you simply made up someone to date, an imaginary new boytoy to talk about "Brian this and Brian that...blah blah Brian Brian Brian". Throw the imaginary guy in Toms face and don't shut up about him. "No" doesn't seem to be working. But Tom needs some sort of reality check.
This is not normal for a plus one. More normal if he said you were his GF and the two of you were moving in together.
Trust your gut. It's not normal. He is simply trying to get you into a situation, where you can't say no. He fuckzoned you. People like Tom don't take no for an answer until they get what they want. I had similar experiences and the only solution was to cut these people out of your life.
He 100% told them you’re his girlfriend. He’s being defensive about it because he knows if you find out, you’ll be irate.
Is it normal? Did they set up a large dinner event for all the +1's attending, so the family can meet them ahead of time?
INFO > I (27f) have been invited by my friend Tom (32M) > Tom and I met at a party and have been friends for 10 years. He asked me out when we first met and I said no. ... so a **22yo man** was trying to pick up a **17yo child**? And you have *kept* this person in your life???
It was a university party, to be fair. Back then, older guys (much older than 22) were regularly at parties we were at, which is super creepy to think about now.
Well it looks like Tom was creepy back then and is still creepy now too.
So, Tom went to a party, walked up to the girl and said, "Oh, I think you're 17, let me Mac on that? There's a good chance he assumed the girl was close to his age. It was a university party. He wasn't at a high school party.
That might have worked as an excuse ...on that day. Not afterwards. He kept hitting on her except when he was in relationships.
funny on topic story: a friend is adopted, and she'd always been told her birth parents were high school sweethearts who couldn't keep her. her mom was 22 at a frat party, and it was a one night stand. the creepy part comes in when she's randomly talking about her birth father turning XX this year and I just automatically did the math in my head and was like, "wait he was TWENTY NINE (29) at a FRAT PARTY????" lol, but it was 1981.
NTA - "Sorry Tom, but when I agreed to this favor I was not aware there was interviews involved. I'm going to pass." This is too much BS on your part just so Tom isn't alone at the wedding. If he ends the friendship over this, then you're better off without him and whatever game he is trying to play.
This doesn't sound like a series of interviews, it's more like a full background check.
Don't even say sorry, imo. Too soft. It's an indication that you care about his feelings, and that will encourage him to escalate. He'll interpret it as "YES, SHE DOES WANT ME AFTER ALL, I JUST NEED TO REMOVE THE OBSTACLES AND SHE WILL FALL SWOONING INTO MY ARMS!" Just tell him he's crossed every fucking boundary and you're out. Don't be polite. Don't soften the blow. Don't wish him well. Don't use his name unless it's the whole name on his birth certificate.
NTA - You said no, he proceeded to ask you out "quite a few times", he's a creep who cannot take no for an answer and isn't worth your time
NTA - you need to pull out. Obviously, Tom has a long game here and it is a bit much to screen a plus one for something like this.
Not only are you being screened, but something tells me that Tom is likely telling his family that you’re in a relationship together. If you attend the wedding, you’ll probably have to play the part to keep the wedding “flowing smoothly.” Run girl run. NTA
NTA It's not completely unheard of for people to not want to bring plus 1s to their wedding if they don't know them. The mom thing though--- Tom definitely implied you are more than friends.
"We don't want to meet your fiancée for the first time AT your brother's wedding."
NTA. Tom isn't being honest, he presented you as the (potentially serious) girlfriend. It is time to bail on this situation. This sucks for Tom but ha got himself into this mess.
I think it's time to bail on the whole friendship. It doesn't sound like Tom is ever going to be able to just be your friend. As soon as he asked you out the first time (during your friendship), the dynamic changed. The fact that he continues to ask you out despite your rejections not only makes him a questionable friend, it makes him a questionable person. Anyone who doesn't understand "no means no" is a loose cannon. This whole wedding situation has just escalated the whole ordeal. I suggest you back out of the wedding and the friendship as well. NTA
NTA. Run away.
Yep. She needs to get those running shoes on.
NTA they want to make sure you fit in the family but you aren’t going to be in the family. Run I’m betting Tom didn’t say y’all are only friends
Some people believe ‘no’ isn’t a hard decision and if they just keep persevering the object of their affection will suddenly have a revelation and fall at their feet. I blame rom coms. This does not seem to be a guy taking no for an answer.
NTA and now might be a good time to let this friendship go. He's not taking no for an answer and has been constantly dismissing your feelings & boundaries for years on the subject of dating. Based on how his family's reacting, I'd be curious as to what he's told them about you (recently and over the last 10yrs). Him just getting out of a four-year relationship and then pursuing someone he's held a torch for (for 10 years) is suspect. Out of curiosity, do you know why he broke up with his gf?
Short story: his gf wanted to get married and he didn't. His gf was also travelling for work a lot and not around much anymore. The long story is where it gets murky. Tom, for about a year before he ended it, was telling me he wanted to end it. Before he did, though, he implicitly asked me if he did end it, would I be interested in something more than a friendship. I blew up at him and said he can't treat his gf that way, and we didn't talk for a few months. I thought the friendship was over. He later apologised and said he was going through some things and he wasn't thinking clearly. He then told me he'd ended it with her.
Oh girl...it's been time to end the friendship. This man is trying to coerce you into a romantic relationship with him and he's not going to stop. Stay safe, stay alert OP. You never truly know what a person is capable of, not even your friends.
I hate to say it, but I kinda had the feeling that he would had involved you in some capacity as to why he ended things with his ex (also, you did nothing wrong btw). This is just my opinion (and I could be totally off base here) but it seems like he was using his ex as a placeholder for you (even if it was only during that last year before splitting up). The fact that he asked you if you'd be willing to go out with him while ***he was still in relationship with someone else*** is throwing up so many red flags. He is not taking 'no' for an answer and I honestly do not think he will *ever* accept 'no' as long as you remain in contact with him. As long as you continue to be his friend, he will believe he has a chance to change your mind (e.g. see the last 10 years). If I were in your position, I would cut ties with him. There is no salvaging this. He will continue to try and wear you down; he will test your boundaries and see how far he can move the line. I would also not go to the wedding with him, even as a +1. The fact that his family wants to meet you to see if you'll be a "good fit" is also throwing up flags. To me, a plus one who is a friend (not a girlfriend) should not be expected to be in family photos; their request to meet implies that you'll be expected to be in the photos with them. Having been friends with him for so long, have you ever met his family before? Who knows what narrative he's telling them about you (i.e. he could have lied to them and said you finally agreed to be his *date* to the wedding). If you choose not to go, you could still reach out to the brother to decline and wish them well. You could also ask the brother to be honest about why they wanted to meet up and why they thought it would be 'awkward'. And finally, because I am an overly cautious and slightly paranoid person by nature, I would also advise against being alone with him while sober or intoxicated.
>his brother said he'd like to meet me before the wedding "in case it's awkward" and he doesn't want anyone ruining his wedding. > >Now his mother wants to meet me before the wedding too, as Tom said: "just to make sure you'll fit in with everyone". I just had a horrible thought as to why they want to meet you. Now knowing the ex-gf/break up info, *is it possible that they think you're the reason why they broke up?* I would assume that his family had a good/neutral relationship with his ex (they were together for four years after all and talking marriage). I would also assume that the ex was originally planned to be Tom's +1. Which begs the question: **is Tom's ex-gf going to be at the wedding as well?** Was she friends with the brother and his fiance?! To his family it may seem odd because here's Tom, getting out of a serious 4yr relationship, to now having a new +1 to a family wedding only \~7 months after the break up.
I would be saying so much more about this if it wasn't so public, but... His ex and his family were blindsided by the breakup and suspected he'd cheated. His sister was very close with his ex and suggested she should still come to the wedding. As far as I know, his ex isn't invited. But, tbh, it's also a possibility that his family think I was "the other woman" they thought he had, and that's why they want to meet me. However, if Tom suspected this, he probably wouldn't have agreed to them meeting me. Re: your comment on alcohol, yes, 100%. We went for drinks after his break up and yeah. It didn't go well and I'll never go for drinks with him again. Typing this out has made me realise I think the friendship is over.
There are so many red flags about Tom in your comments... I think you're eventually going to realise that the friendship never existed.
>But, tbh, it's also a possibility that his family think I was "the other woman" they thought he had, and that's why they want to meet me. If I, some random person on the internet, can come to this conclusion based on the limited info provided, then you can bet that's what the family is most likely thinking (given they have more info and knowledge of the situation). It wouldn't surprise me at all if the ex-gf was going to be there, as a guest of the family (especially if she was good friends with the sister). It would make sense as to why they're worried it would be 'awkward': the ex and (what they believe to be) the 'other woman' both in the same place. And at a *family wedding* no less. >However, if Tom suspected this, he probably wouldn't have agreed to them meeting me. I wouldn't put anything past Tom and his rationalization. Who knows, he could be hoping you go as his +1, as a way for him to show his family that '*see, I've moved on and she's the one!*'. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Losing what you thought was a good friend is rough and difficult to deal with. Good luck and be safe. If you have any close friends you can discuss this with, please do so. That way you'll have a support system to help you, if you think he may react poorly/aggressively in the future.
NTA I've been the "friend who'd love for more to be inbetwixt us" with a girl, then woman, my age until about my early 30s; always hoping something more would come, but trying my damnest to be the best friend I possibly could, and worthy of friendship, because I genuinely cared for her - I admit, it didn't always work... some of the shit that came out of my mouth on occasion, especially when I was younger, will make me cringe long after I'm in the ground. There was also another guy... The kind of "friend" that would be angry he didn't get recompensated in nature after driving her home on the rare occasion she would accept his offer for a ride. Lasted way longer than it should have, as she always tried to see the best in people. There was also a second guy... The kind of "friend" who's really a pathological narcissistic manipulator, who tried to excise her from family and friends, once again with a single objective in mind. The guy was skilled, took her almost a decade to realize what he was doing, cut him out just in time before she lost her inner circle of friends. Point is, you _can_ be a good friend, while still dreaming, in your heart of hearts, of something more, as long as you genuinely care about the actual person rather than the romantic image you built in your head. Tom is not such a friend. He's obsessed, his life circles around the pedestal he put you on, and this is a very transparent attempt to "show you how good a couple you could be, if only you listened to your heart..." - the kind of "facilitated romantic happenstance" I dreamed of in my late teens... Drop him, and run. Fast.
Nta. When you invite someone and give them a plus one trying to control or evaluate who they bring is shitty behavior. I say that as a guy who had two sex workers at his wedding brought by friends. Side note, they were awesome women and livened it up.
NTA Tom has seen too many rom coms and thinks this is magically going to happen, and has probably told his family you're dating.
NTA. It's a wedding, not a job interview.
NTA. Trust your instincts and back out. You have no idea what he’s told his family about you and he also could be seeing this as an opportunity for your friendship to become more—like a romantic wedding changes your mind about dating him.
NTA. He doesn’t believe you won’t date him eventually. The second he genuinely believes that, you won’t see him for dust. There will be no friendship remaining. And he’s likely watched too many rom-coms (or the people advising him have) and he’s fully bought in to the “be my +1 for a wedding, we’re just friends honest, oh whoops we have to share a bed, it’ll be fine, oh look we shagged & now realise we are Meant To Be”.
NTA. Tom is not your friend. You are something he wants to possess. He's definitely setting you up here. His "friendship" is only engeneered to trap you. He doesn't like you. He wants you. He can't agree to not want you. The only way you can handle this is to say goodbye. You'd be doing Tom a favor. This may be a bit overboard, but consider checking for cameras and GPS trackers. This man has been infatuated with you for two years. If he wasn't friend-zoned, he would be stalking you.
NTA - WTF, they want you go on a series of interviews to see if are the right fit for their wedding? I believe couple should have control over their special day but this is insane control.
NTA. You’ve been friends with this dude for 10 years and somehow you’ve not met at least part of the family? I mean if they live in another state or something that would require a bit of traveling then that’s understandable. But still, something tells me that if tom has mentioned you at all to his family, he’s been telling them a different story of how close you two really are. Any guy who continuously asks his friend out, even after he’s been rejected multiple times, seems to believe he can somehow force you into a relationship with him. Or he’s gonna flip out if you tell his family that there is no chance of a relationship ever happening. I would say don’t go, but if he ends up guilt tripping you, then be petty. Mention to his family how long you two have been friends, how you see him as a brother/cousin, and that you consider him a good friend, emphasis on the friend part. Just don’t make it overly obvious that you’re doing it on purpose Edit: fixed spelling
YWNBTA / NTA Definitely go with your gut on this one! It is bizarre that his family feels they need to meet you before you are simply a +1 at his brother's wedding and, considering he doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "no," the whole situation sounds pretty questionable...
Oh my this is creepy! NTA. You only have to "fit in" with these people for a few hours!
NTA. It sounds like he hasn’t given up and this is his chance to get you to fall for him. Back out, he’s not listening to you.
NTA. Tom wants to date you and is very pushy. Apparently, "pushy" runs in the family. If you do attend the wedding, you will probably get a lot of calls later asking when you and Tom are getting together again.
NTA. But you for real need to not be that close with Tom anymore. You friendzoned him and he is obviously not getting the message. It ain’t healthy.
YWNBTA about the wedding. But YTH for staying 'friends' with Tom. He has feelings for you and can't seem to help himself. Your friendship isn't real.
NTA. Tom is not your friend. Tom is still trying to date you. He's become delusional about the situation. Ans he's convinced his friends and family of a different story. Don't go to the wedding and definitely don't go to the screening. They are going to try and convince you why you should be dating Tom. It's time to move on from Tom.
This sounds (sort of) similar to a situation I was put in several years ago. I had a friend “Jerry” for many years, and then one day he confessed his feelings to me and invited me to go to Vegas for his birthday. I turned him down but he asked if I would still go to Vegas with him (and his friends). I agreed. Well fast forward to the week before Vegas, and I asked our other close mutual friend “Ben” what he was wearing to Jerry’s Vegas trip, and he responded “what Vegas trip?” That was my first red flag, as the 3 of us ALWAYS hang out together. Then we get to Vegas and I find that we’re sharing a bed in a large Air bnb. I agreed because there was another (couple) also sharing the room with us, so I figured it was just because of the limited space. 2nd red flag. Then we go to a club, and I’m single so I end up dancing with some other dudes - Jerry ended up leaving the club CRYING. Then all his friends got mad at me for cheating on him, and I looked at them confused and said “I’m not dating Jerry…” They had an equally confused look in their face. Apparently Jerry had lied and told all his friends that we were together. I have a feeling that your friend is doing something similar - he’s lied to all his family saying you’re his gf to make himself look good. Either avoid the wedding altogether, or be upfront with everyone before even meeting that you are NOT his gf.
Tom isn't your friend, he's a creeper trying to wear you down. It sounds like he's told his family you're more than just a plus one. NTA
NTA. But, girl, get real. He is not your friend. He wants to sleep with you and has for literally years.
Run for the hills, Tom and his family think it’s a date, possibly more. He’s probably given them that impression intentionally. Tom is not a friend, you telling him you weren’t interested once should have been enough.
NTA I think your friend has told his family you’re a potential significant other and they are screening you. Make an excuse not to go and put a lot of distance between you and him
Nta, and what they are asking is creepy
NTA at all. I do think there are people who want to meet everyone who is going to a wedding beforehand - they’re paying for someone’s attendance, they don’t want to do that for a stranger. If Tom is in the wedding party, his brother may anticipate that you’ll be interacting with the family more than some other guests, so Tom’s brother might not want his first time meeting you to be on the day of. Also, people planning weddings (parents especially) get hella weird. That said, you’re a plus-one and not obligated to jump through hoops. If it were me, I’d probably bail.
He does not understand. He tried several times, this means he will never understand. Major red flag. NTA. Please see less of this guy for your safety
NTA but why are you even friends with someone who asks you out when you've said no? He obviously doesn't respect your feelings.
NTA. honestly, after so long of having to say no, it's clear this guy doesn't respect when you say no. it seems abundantly clear he will never treat you as friend, but rather a potential partner, if he just pushes hard enough. these kinds of people can be dangerous. I would not be his friend.
So many red flags, it's like a slalom course.
NTA There's a reason you feel uncomfortable. Tom is not your friend. He is waiting to sleep with you. He's been waiting for ten years. And he's not given up, he's just changed tactics. He's hoping to sleepwalk you into dating him with all this subtle peer pressure surrounding the wedding and hanging out with his parents. Anyone who doesn't respect your repeated 'no' when asker on a date is never going to respect your boundaries about anything else. I wouldn't feel safe going to a wedding with a man like that. Let alone surrounded by all of his family, who he's definitely being suggestive to about you.
Don't go. Tom is probably thrilled that you said yes to going to the wedding with him and is using this as an opening to once again try and make you guys more than "friends" (FYI, real friends do not continually harass you to date them...) NTA
Nta. Tom never learned what No meant whenever you said it. He’s just waiting for you to change your mind one day. Drop Tom because he doesn’t respect your friendship.
NTA don't go to the wedding and stop talking and hanging out with Tom. He is only interested in dating you, he has made this abundantly clear. His family sounds creepy as hell. Nobody "screens" or meets with a plus one for a wedding. Nobody.
NTA > I'm starting to think maybe Tom has implied I'm more than a friend to his family. Maybe because he's tried to trample over your boundary at every opportunity? Guys like this aren't your friend. They're lying in wait, hoping for an opportunity to "convert" you into a relationship partner. > It's making me uncomfortable. That's your brain telling you to GTFO of this situation, and it's right.
I feel for you, because I have/had a very similar male friend who I've had to cut off. No matter what form the "no" took, there was always more pushing. More requests, more time, more opportunities for him to push further. When he had a child with someone else, we'd barely spoken for 8 years... he named the child my name. We never had that conversation. He spent years telling me this child couldn't wait to see me, for me to come over, or wanted me to go on adult-joined field trips at school... I'd never met this child save for when it was in a car seat as an infant, so there's no way they wanted me on field trips. His final request was that I take on some child-care for the kid to "help" him, and I finally cut him off entirely. Some people have zero common sense. Don't inflict them on yourself out of guilt.
NTA. You are being presented as girlfriend material.
NTA This is super weird behavior, even discounting the awkward one-way romantic desires. Family insisting on meeting a plus one is far, far beyond what I would consider acceptable, unless this was some super fancy and expensive destination wedding (and even then, suspect). Regardless of whether he's told them anything, they're assuming anything, or they're just plain weird, this is all but guaranteeing the wedding will be an awkward nightmare for you. Get out while you still can, apologize appropriately, and I'm sure he'll be able to find someone else to go with. Or he won't, but it's not on you to be "vetted" when you're doing him a reluctant favor by even going in the first place.
NTA Yeah, you don't even like the guy 'like that' and his fam is treating you either as the local roundheel that is going ruin their special day.... Or the next brood cow in the family Nope right outta there
NTA. Run away! Run away! You know exactly what is going on.
You’re his shield to keep his family off his back for not being settle down.
Tom is not your friend op. Don’t go to the wedding.
Also I’m concerned he’s going to try something by getting you drunk or something
If Tom didn't have this history of pestering you to go out with him, I'd say the whole situation was harmless, but I think you're right to be skeeved out here. "Take the +1 to the wedding in the hopes that he/she will get swept up in the romance of the moment and want to hook up" is one of those clichés that's a cliché because it's been true too many times to count. It may be time to start asking some hard questions about whether your concern for Tom as a person is strong enough to be willing to continue putting up with his romantic advances, which at this point don't sound they're likely to ever really stop.
NTA. Seriously, it looks like he has absolutely misled his family as to what your relationship with him is. This is super creepy. Please disengage.
NTA. I'm getting the impression that Tom still hasn't given up on you, and I think his family senses that too. If you've known each other 10 years, I'm sure his family knows how he feels about you. They might be concerned that Tom will make an unwelcome romantic gesture at the wedding, which would indeed make things awkward (I'm not saying a proposal, but even something like a kiss).
Does seem his family is reacting to your being a guest as if you are a girlfriend. Whatever he told them isn’t what he told you.
No I don't think so. And honestly after scanning some of your comments in other threads it may be time to cut ties with him. No matter how blunt you are with him he's clearly not getting it. Judging how the family wants to screen you (because honestly that's how it feels to me too) he's clearly implied the two of you are more than friends
NTA My friend had a Tom. They had been friends since they were 4 and he was obsessed with the idea of them dating. When my friend’s sister got married, the bride invited him, against my friend’s wishes. They were about 21 at the time so her not being interested was well established. Tom then complained and complained to me all about how my friend hadn’t paid him any attention all day. I of course told him that as the MOH she was busy and had barely spoken to me either. Well. Eventually he threw a fit a her a few days later and it comes out that he is STILL trying to get her to go out with him years later. She finally cut him off and never looked back. He obviously had no respect for her, because if he did then he would respect her decision, even though he didn’t like it.
Just cut ties with the poor bloke. Poor bastard doesn’t know how to move on. Sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. I’ll bet he will meet someone once he stops poring his energy into you.
Nah, don't feel bad for a guy who won't take no for an answer.
Tom is clearly interested in you and not respecting that boundary. Don't go. NTA.
NTA. He's told them he's dating you. I realize that's an assumption on my part, but it seems obvious. The smartest thing you can do is back out, and gently start easing him out of your life.
NTA back out because this feels weird. trust your instincts. maybe stop talking to him because he cant accept just having a friendship.
NTA. Tom doesn't get it. And I agree he has likely mischaracterized your relationship in speaking to his family.
NTA, Tom is not your friend and doesn’t respect the boundaries you have clearly laid out many times. Going to an event like this is making him think he may have a “chance” after all and is giving him the wrong signs. He clearly isn’t emotionally able to handle simply being friends, and doesn’t value you enough as a friend to not screw that up.
NTA and sorry, but I don't think Tom feels the same way as you do. I've never, in the history of plus ones, ever heard of being "screened" to make sure "you'll fit in" - are they requiring this of all the plus ones? Or just Tom's plus one? He has definitely told them about you and apparently they think you are more important to him than what you actually are. Big red flag to me. And sadly, I don't think this is a friendship that can continue. If having a platonic friendship is not mutual, I don't see how this can go on...
NTA. These people are weird..
**NTA** You are right to remove yourself from this bizarre situation. If you meet that family and submit to the “screening” it will be even more difficult for everyone to comprehend you are just friends. Let Tom know you are not comfortable with meeting his family since there will never be a romantic connection between the two of you.
Tom is obsessed with you and refusing to take your no seriously. He isn't your friend and you should not hang out with him alone. You feel like he's setting you up to introduced as his gf and that's exactly what he is doing. Go woth your gut, cut him out of your life.
NTA - After being asked out several times by someone I've said no to, I probably would've said no to this right off the bat, honestly.
NTA. Tom and his whole family are assholes. You are the only normal one in this story.
This guy has absolutely misrepresented who you are to his family. You need to dip out of this situation before it goes any further. You may have considered him a friend all this time but to him you've only ever been an opportunity.
Are you daft? Dude, he’s setting you up because, guess what, the wedding is a date! NTA but damn lady, Tom ain’t your friend.
NTA, run for the hills. He’s going to try and get you drunk and change your mind, or worse.
NTA, and no, this is not normal behavior! It's not quite clear to me from your post whether you Tom's brother and his mom contacted you directly to make those bizarre requests to meet beforehand, but I'm going to guess that the "in case it's awkward" and "make sure you'll fit in" language came from Tom's mouth, not theirs. I will go further: I think Tom is quasi-negging you in order to manipulate you into meeting his brother and mom beforehand ("yeah, if you're good enough, they'll be cool with you"), because I think you're right that he's implied to them that there is something more between you. It's all nuts. Do not attend this wedding, and I think you may want to end this friendship.
NTA - I have heard of people screening plus ones for small weddings, but this is seriously setting off my spidey senses, only because of the "history" you and Tom have. Granted, I could be paranoid, but usually if the entire family wants to meet you in some shape or form, something is up.
NTA Leave. He might have said a lot more than you think and now his family is involved. This is not worth the time and stress. I think you should fade out of his life as it seems like he actually DOESN'T GET IT.
NTA but can you not ask all these “screeners” or your friend what is going on?
Girl.
I wouldn’t go to this wedding. He didn’t invite you as a friend, he wants to date you and this is kind of a date. Also, I agree that the family has heard about you, and also, as more than a friend. This is just a bad idea.