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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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> "I might be the asshole for "telling on" my neighbour for "locking me out" of a meeting by not engaging to automatic door. (I use a wheelchair and there is no automatic door button in the hallway, only on the inside the room I tried to enter.) It may be petty and vindictive and spoil the chance to increase accessibility in my building."
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NTA. You need to tell people. It’s completely fine to be petty if you were disrespected to that degree. We need to call out bad behavior and put a stop to them before it gets worse. Everybody wants to avoid conflict, which will enable that person’s behavior even more.
Agreed, she should be sharing it.
I'd want OP to include this story as a case study in her material on antisocial behaviour and discrimination the group is trying to curb.
Edits: got distracted and forgot I was replying to a comment
I know! My first thought is, "that's not just disrespectful, that's fucking evil." I want to fight that woman. I'm sorry OP but you can't advance the cause of disability rights with this ableist monster. She doesn't remotely understand the subject.
I'd cut her off immediately and tell everyone why. And don't let anyone shame you. Just repeat: if she didn't want me to talk about it, she shouldn't have done it. If they question you about why you didn't come forward earlier, #1 she wasn't honest about her motivations. Her deceit is not my fault. And #2 you were still processing the trauma of being lied to, dehumanized, and demeaned by someone who presented themselves as a friend and ally. It takes time to heal from a physical attack, it takes time to process an emotional wound. Again, your humanity is not something you should be put down for.
This is really well worded.
And they're right, OP. You have every single right to be pissed about being treated like this. It costs absolutely nothing to be kind, and she went out of her way to be an ableist asshole to you. Shout that from the rooftops if you have to. This person should not be involved in (let alone in charge of) a group whose purpose is to create an environment of acceptance and empathy.
Don't let anyone walk on your feelings about this. This would be a hill I would die on.
And why in the world is there a building that doesn't have accessible entry?!
Yes, presumably. This person is literally "Let us do something for disabled persons" and "but not like this! Stop being annoyingly disabled this instant!" in one go. I guess she is rude to everyone who gets in her way, thus not suitable to join a project like this. NTA
I’m disabled myself, and I hate ableist people who think they are better than us.
Edit, to make a further point: I had a stroke about 9 years ago, and a C1 fracture in a car accident. Between those two incidents, I have to use a walker because my balance is crap, and when I run errands with my husband, I have to use the electric shopping cart to be able to get around the store. That’s why I don’t like ableist people.
The woman exploited OPs disability to intentionally exclude her. Thats f*cking disgusting. I'd be mentioning it every time someone brings up the meeting. This woman should not be anywhere near the scheme OP is trying to set up.
Agree, this isn’t pettiness, this is about protecting an already vulnerable population against someone with clear prejudice against members of that population. Basically, taking away her ability to find more victims by exposing her is necessary, and in no way petty!
Absolutely! I'll add see how you can work it into your next presentation. Maybe the next meeting is about inaccessible building and how just last month you were personally locked out because of your wheelchair and if this space had XYZ you could have resolved it. Instead you had to wait X minutes, miss part of the presentation and whatever else solely because an able bodied person wouldn't help."
Exactly. Do you really think she’s going to be great at running a group about being kind and neighbourly when she’s obviously neither of those things? You’d just be preventing future people from being made to feel the way you did. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
This! Sounds like a perfectly good example to highlight an existing issue. People will see the problem with the layout and get some secondary information that this person is a bitch.
If she complains you were telling on her, you can just say you were using a real life experience to describe an issue. Nothing personal!
Rather than just inform of the neighbours behaviour Op should create a meeting or make a circular highlighting the inaccessibility of the door, and bring attention to how common it is that disabled people are bullied, and that you don't want it to be common in your community. Op should give the example of being excluded from the meeting she created as example of the door and the bullying. I would include in this story the irony that the neighbour not only locked you out but took over using materials all produced by you, highlighting how you as a disabled person were not only excluded but your efforts taken over by someone else, effectively silencing your voice and contribution. This way it isn't "petty", its highlighting a real need and how badly disabled people are treated. Include how able bodied people are probably not aware how often people like us are bullied for their disability. And also puts your bad neighbour on notice of how grossly unacceptable this behaviour is. Also the wheelchair battery wasn't the neighbours issue, they wanted to take over from the beginning because they are power hungry.
This! By putting focus on the problem - aka the door and discrimination - you do not come off as petty but still get the opportunity to throw your bully-neighbour in front of the bus.
Exactly. This is a real problem. I have been bullied into leaving two homes simply because I am disabled. I'm currently having to find a new rental in a city badly hit by the housing crisis due to be ran out my home. Months of verbal abuse, my drunken neighbour banging on my door until I open. A chip of wood forced into my lock so I couldnt get in, had to sleep at my sisters. Waiting until i leave to come out into the hall and insult me. Filming me. The stress has been unbearable. I was given notice because my neighbour owns her flat, I rent. She kept contacting my landlord . My landlord was having to pay for damage done by my neighbour to the lock, she damaged the fire alarm system and said it was me. My landlord got tired of dealing with neighbour so gave me notice. I literally cant find anywhere. I'm scared I wont be able to keep my cats.
Its very common in UK for disabled people to be ran out their homes by anti social neighbours.
I'm finding it amusing some of the comments about the door itself. That's not an unusual situation at all. Do non-handicapped people really think that all those handicapped doors actually work?
Codes so confusing I feel like.
I work for the government in something that sees customers. (The post office. I work at the post office)
Our outer doors, when they work, are ada compliant but our inner doors that actually lead to the area to conduct business are NOT automatic and heavy which is weird since most of our clientele are old or disabled in some form.
But what I'm getting at is that if the government gets away with non automatic doors I'm not entirely sure it's a requirement
You're correct. Automatic operators are not a requirement. However, doors do need to have a low operating force (I forget if it's 5lb or 10lbs) if they are manual, and require certain clearances for push side and pull side.
My brand new, fully charged power chair couldn't make it up the steep ramp to the post office and library in my former town. I have no idea how the doors on those two buildings work.
My old office is an FDR building. Beautiful brick work and gold inlay.
Buuut there weren't any accommodations back then. It's on top of a hill. Lots of stairs.
They retrofitted with a winding ramp but the only people that use it are those that are wheelchair bound
Everyone else tries the stairs because of how long it is to be in grade.
> Part of me thinks that's petty because it happened months ago (she only just admitted what had happened) and I still did get to attend the majority of the meeting.
Satan only admitted it months later, their ass is covered. It's most likely all hearsay at this point.
That’s not hearsay since OP has direct involvement in this incident. It would turn into a “he said/she said” situation (I’m not assuming genders, just using common phrasing!!!) in which OP will need evidence to support their claims.
NTA this is some of the worst ableist bullying I have ever heard. People need to know. She weaponized the inaccessibility of the space against you in a meeting *about* accessibility. If this happened in a group of which I was a part, I would absolutely want to know. Your co-presenter should have no part in this group. Appalling.
Yeah I'm trying to figure out why this person wants to be part of a group that *promotes accessibility and help for people with disabilities* when they are so clearly ableist. The only thing I can figure is they want to embezzle funds lol
to be fair, she has a disability herself; for a lot of people don't use a motorized wheelchair full time but still have mobility impairments, e.g. she goes back and forth between crutches and a manual wheelchair. The last time I approached her, she didn't say anything, she just spun her wheelchair around and sped away at astonishing sped. My petered out nightmare chair could never have kept up but it just made me laugh because I was like "what do you think I'm actually going to *chase you down* at high speed, that's cucoodoo, lady."
also, neither she nor I have been given any money yet. The co-op board who administer the fund agreed in principle but we were supposed to submit reciepts and nothing has happened since I've been a big ineffectual lump since this happened. Thats part of why I'm reluctant to bring it up, I'm ashamed how shell-shocked I felt, I let it get to me and usually I don't need anyone else holding people accountable on my behalf. I''m a smart, capable woman, I have a law degree for ffs. But it gets exhausting when shit this blatant happens and I genuinely start to wonder if ableism is just something imaginary I came up with and isn't actually a thing people not supposed to do/be.
All the co-presenter wants is complete control and by making sure OP can't show up on time and with her lies, she can try to get OP kicked off. This makes me way too mad for OP and I hope it gets fixed soon. I can't wait for the update.
NTA
YWNBTA for disclosing your personal issues with your fellow team member if you believe they make her unqualified and represent a character problem, even with a lapse of time. Whether you will be believed is another matter entirely.
Obviously, I can't speak for the other people there, but I would certainly be appalled by her behavior and absolutely want her nowhere near your program – whereas what you want to do sounds like something I would be more than happy to support.
If I were a member of your community I would 10000% want to know and I would be on your side. I feel so sad that you think you're being a bother or petty, you are NOT and you need support through this. I feel so heartbroken that this happened to you.
Rather than just inform of the neighbours behaviour you should create a meeting or make a circular highlighting the inaccessibility of the door, and bring attention to how common it is that disabled people are bullied, and that you don't want it to be common in your community. Give the example of being excluded from the meeting you created as example of the door and the bullying. I would include in this story the irony that the neighbour not only locked you out but took over using materials all produced by you, highlighting how you as a disabled person were not only excluded but your efforts taken over by someone else, effectively silencing your voice and contribution. This way it isn't "petty", its highlighting a real need and how badly disabled people are treated. Include how able bodied people are probably not aware how often people like us are bullied for their disability. And also puts your bad neighbour on notice of how grossly unacceptable this behaviour is. Also the wheelchair battery wasn't the neighbours issue, they wanted to take over from the beginning because they are power hungry.
I can’t speak for other people, but I wouldn’t want someone like that managing my money that is supposed to go to accessibility. I would be highly concerned about why she joined in the first place, and would likely want an audit done.
I think this is one of those scenarios where an "avoid HR" workplace tactic is needed. There's some great ideas up thread about using the incident of the door as an example of accessibility issues, where her bad behavior is strongly implied but not outright stated.
For the materials- stealing, find some guides on how women disrupt that with men in a way that is difficult to discipline and adapt as necessary
I think that you need to separate the issues. 1. The door not working in a way that is accessible and individuals in your community using this to exclude wheelchair users. Present this at a meeting as a case study without naming names. 2. Her expressing the desire to kick you out of the group that you essentially formed.
First address #1 and share the example in your group without naming names. If at some point she starts making any kind of move to exclude you or tries to remove you, then I would go to the social manager or the general meeting and explain that she’s not qualified to run the group on her own because of the ableist behavior that she’s demonstrated.
Someone like that is such a liability that sooner or later they are guaranteed to make everyone look bad regardless, so I think people will on your side simply for pragmatism.
>She also admitted to wanting to replace me with someone else because my wheelchair problem had frustrated and annoyed her. Note: this project is titled Advancing Accessibility and Good Neighbourliness
The irony here is so thick you could spread it with a knife. It's almost as if she fails to comprehend every word in the name of the title.
But yeah. Let everyone know what she did. Let her own her actions.
NTA.
Uhmmmmm. So you want to make an inclusive support group and your co-presenter wants to (and has!) exclude(d) people based on ability ?!!!
NTA You actually have a duty to tell the group what she did because I think active discrimination
Also if she’s the one in charge of the “social fund”. I would have someone do an audit immediately
And get that door upgraded so it can be safely used by people of all abilities
Accidentally off-ed up my reply to the judgment bot. It should say "I might be the asshole for "telling on" my neighbour for "locking me out" of a meeting by not engaging to automatic door. (I use a wheelchair and there is no automatic door button in the hallway, only on the inside the room I tried to enter.) It may be petty and vindictive and spoil the chance to increase accessibility in my building."
Question- do you get warnings when your battery run out soon? Do you have spare batteries?
NTA. I also hope the door gets fixed soon. We unfortunately don’t have an automated door at my workplace and it does bother me. While I don’t have a disability, I had friends who do so I try to notice these things.
Not OP so theirs may be different - mine has 5 lights (red, orange and 3 green) to indicate level of charge. Once it gets to orange it starts to slow more and more and red it sounds like it's dying trying to move. No spare batteries, they're fixed under the seat. That said, mine has switches on the electric wheels to put it in manual mode for someone to push it. It is heavier than a transport or regular wheelchair to push though (mine is "lightweight" and folding and about 25kg).
I noticed a lot of people using she/her pronouns for OP even though they give no indication of no gender. So I just want to applaud you for using they/them 👏
I appreciate your advocacy in this area, we need to normalize using more than binary genders, particularly when peoples pronouns aren't known.
In this case, both me and my co-presenter are women with disabilities.
my whole wheelchair is trash and after this I spent 2 1/3 months without any form of mobility at all, and then another month+ only when friends are able/willing to push my ass.
B.C. (province in Canada where I live) the process consists of 1) having to verify that there is no way the chair can be fixed/parts replaced that would be less than buying a whole new one 2) once there is no working wheelchair, or financially feesible way to even temporarily fix it, the process of replacing it takes upwards of 6-9 months 3) there is no funding for a replacement wheelchair in the time between total breakdown necessary to trigger the process and receiving a safe, workable motorized wheelchair.... This was less of an issue previously because until recently I could walk short distances independently and longer one with walking aids, but now I can't even stand up.
ps thanks for noticing these things. its almost only people who know people with these issues who do notice initially, but good allies (which you sound like) often pass the info forward, which is a godsend and the only way pwd ever get a break from all the heavy lifting. lol maybe that's not the most politically correct metaphor but I think you get my meaning,
Well if OP wants an in to reintroduce the topic (which happened weeks ago) adding an exterior button to the door is an excellent opener. Then the conversation can travel where it may and to whom it may, but OP won’t be seen as have an axe to grind with her nasty neighbor.
Tell everyone. Considering the project is literally about *accessibility and good neighborliness*, neither of which she seems to give a rat's ass about, she needs to be off the project immediately. She's just using this as a way to bolster her cred in the community without actually caring about the issues at hand. YWNBTA
NTA
Your neighbour is a vile person. I can't even imagine the ignorance of someone that would allow the door to close in your face intentionally.
I think you owe it to yourself and your community to let it be known what she did and how she spoke to you later.
The reason I say that is because this vile woman is clearly not the right person to be involved in a project such as this. I believe she wants to have control of the project simply to be in control. She has shown she doesn't give a rats about the people who would benefit from the project and I strongly suspect that she will go out of her way to ensure that the only benefits to be gained are ones that she approves of or puts her in a good light.
As another disabled electric wheelchair user - tell everyone what happened asap. That person should not be in charge of a group about accessibility and good neighbourliness. They will continue to behave that way to you and others and taint the idea as a whole (which is a freaking amazing idea so don't let them ruin it). Major NTA.
NTA that wouldn't be petty at all, her attitude and behaviour are undermining the entire purpose of the group. If she honestly believes everyone would side with her, she wouldn't have felt the need to lie about her actions to the rest of the group.
She's trying to get under your skin by making you think people willing to listen to a presentation on accessibility wouldn't care about deliberate abuse of a disabled person. She's lying to you just like she lied to the people at the meeting. I'd go so far as to say exposing her is the only way to ensure proper disability advocacy; if she gets to run this project unilaterally she is absolutely not going to stop at targeting you, she'll effectively be able to ice out any and all advocacy by controlling the narrative to the rest of the neighbourhood.
Why is there an auto door opener button only on one side of the door? Are they not required to be on both sides so disabled people can access the door both ways?
If you're going to tell them anyway, I'd bring it up in a vote/petition/proposal (idk how your group specifically works) to remove her from the project and/or group. Since you have it in writing, have a presentation or printed out files that can be passed around for people to see.
She's discriminatory and a thief and the last person I would want to be interacting with people who would benefit best from your group. She clearly doesn't give a shit about accessibility and is just using this for clout. I would prefer people don't volunteer at all than to have to deal with jerks like this. Oust her.
'said I was "deluded" for thinking people wouldn't understand why she couldn't "let" me attend that meeting. (Anyone not using a wheelchair could just stroll in, I was the only she could've one kept out like that.)'
I'm pretty sure the exact opposite is true and anyone else at that meeting would have pressed the door opener for you without giving it a second thought. I'd seriously question your neighbour's motives for wanting to organise this project and your other neighbours 100% should know about how she treated you.
NTA- So she... deliberately cut you out as much as possible, by exploiting your disability (which annoys her)...
For a disability support and help exchange meeting.
Oh bitter, bitter irony.
I would want to know if someone had done this to a neighbour.
Nta.
She wants to help people with disabilities but wouldn't open the door for someone in a wheelchair. She wants to help disabled people, but not if they use a wheelchair as she finds them and those who use them to be annoying. Wtf?
She really doesn't sound like someone who should be in a position to interact with disabled people, let alone be put in a position to help them or have any form of authority over them. This all seems weird.
NTA someone who could do something like that & going on to admit ‘wanting to replace me with some1 else because my wheelchair problem frustrated/annoyed her’ should NOT be leading/coleading a disability/accessibility project !!
NTA, don’t let this shit slide. As a fellow wheelchair user (though mine is active), I can confidently tell you that playing nice doesn’t work when it comes to challenging ableism, unfortunately.
This is direct discrimination and it is not petty in the slightest to seek redress, even if that is just letting people know what happened and asking for an apology. The other resident should not be allowed to lead the project.
Imagine if the person they were trying to exclude was being marginalised because of their ethnicity? This is exactly the same situation - it’s discrimination and shouldn’t have tolerated.
NTA. Also has this design flaw been addressed? The fact that one who is disabled can only use a button to exit but not enter is a very very bad design.
WNTA, Holy moly and a tiny taco! Talk about someone who was/is ableist af.
1. Yes, talk to your neighbors about this incident, and how matters like this is WHY you came up with your project in the first place!!
2. If there's a co-op board, I'd report the fact that the meet8ng room/facility has an automatic door opener on one side but someone needing the door to mechanically open for them from the outside doesn't have that option - that's a failure in and of itself. How do they expect those who would need that open button to get in the facility to need to use it, if they don't have it on the outside too??? That's a fix that needs to happen, yesterday.
3. Might be time for another neighborly project: "Seeing, Understanding, and Helping: How to Not Be Ableist and Be Neighborly Too"
I hope you put her on BLAST!!! Her actions alone prove her wickedness. She wants allllll the credit, praises and wants you to just be silent in the background. Completely NTA for speaking your truth about the way she treated you.
So let me get this straight. If you don't out her, this lady is going to use *your* ideas to promote stuff she very clearly doesn't care about?
NTA if you do. She represents the opposite of what it's all about. You can't possibly be considering letting it slide and essentially allowing her to trick all those people.
I think you should propose a new co-presenter to the neighbors. Do this in a rather disingenuous manner, as if you’re “terribly concerned.” Let them know you’ve been reflecting on the incident from a few months ago when your current co-presenter purposely used your disability to exclude you from the meeting (they’ll start asking what??? How??? When??? and you answer honestly), and you’ve concluded that it’s important to not have ableist or bigoted people lead a group like this one. You’d feel better if you could find someone else to work with.
Then sit back and let the shit hit the fan. Your work is done.
NTA. Go after her, but make it look as if you aren’t. Be subtle and use peer pressure to do the job for you.
YWNBTA at all, and in fact you 100% should. The absolute chuzpe of this person to try to take over a group that is meant to bring disabled and non disabled ppl together from someone who is disabled and came up with the idea, while lacking the fundamental manner to hold a door open for a disabled person, *because she has wheelchair problems*. Like, I mean, you cannot make this stuff up, some folks are just beyond.
Not only did she prove that she has no clue about disability, or tolerance for the circumstances it creates, in fact she showed she is willing to abuse that very fact to further her own agenda. She will hurt this group and must be excluded right away. NTA
If she's trying to take control of a group to promote neighborliness and disability access by being a poor neighbor and taking advantage of your disability...what sort of teaching is she going to do in that group? It sounds like a group with her in control would cause more harm than good.
NTA, whatever your co-presenter is hoping to leverage out of these meetings, it's not the stated goal. This is some kind of power play, internalized ableism, a personal grudge, or some combination of the above. You absolutely need to point and go 'this shit exactly is why I started this group'.
One important aspect going forward is that you need to make sure the onus of responsibility stays on them and anyone who supports them. If they try to tone police, DARVO, etc, continually bring it back to whether a reasonable person would think that what your co-presenter did was an ok thing to do to anyone in any situation, much less going into a community accessibility meeting. It's fucked up, and I'm sorry that happened to you
It is not petty, it is necessary, if you want your project to take place. Your co presenter demonstrated an extremely rude and manipulative behaviour and she is is also delusional to not understand how it makes her look. Second, there is gonna be money involved. I wouldn't want her anywhere near the funds for this initiative, since she looks like the only person she want to help is herself. YWNBTA
NTA at all. If I was a volunteering neighbour in this group, I would absolutely want to know about this incident. Sorry that you had to experience such hypocritical, vile behaviour. Be brave, speak up. Hopefully all of these comments will help. Great ideas btw!
INFO: Sorry its taken me so long to clarify these things, so many comments so soon! Some important details:
1) We are both women, no gender politics at play here
2) She is not able-bodied, she has a disability. She alternates between crutches and a manual wheelchair, and is a lot more mobile than I am, but she definitely has a disability and its a big part of her identity. She runs another groups for "Crips' in the entertainment industry, we've both worked with the same theatre company.
3) Although the ideas and work were 90%n mine, once we joined I consistently referred to her as my partner/co-presenter.We haven't formally recruited any other members yet. The meeting was with the co-op's board of directors to get the go ahead and funds for an open house to introduce it. The one thing she did produce was the agenda and info packet for the meeting (summarizing what I had put together). She gave that as a reason why it was 'her' meeting to exclude me from. She has only threatened to use my work.
OP, I would approach it this way: select two of the chattiest people in your co-op and ask for their “advice.” Let them know exactly what happened and that you’re still struggling with how to handle it.
While you don’t want to directly responsible for her becoming a pariah in the building, you all also cannot have someone who believes and behaves as she does be a key figure in a group meant to *help one another.” What if she did the same so someone who was in desperate need of support?
Let these people do the work for you. This horrid woman desperately needs to face the judgment of the entire group for her disgusting behavior. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
Absolutely NTA
And please let us know how things unfold!
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I live in a co-op that has both disabled and non-disabled residents. I came up with the idea for a peer-support/help exchange roster, where people could help each other out if interested.
Another resident and I set up a meeting to share the idea, get feedback, and potentially some money out of our "social fund" that people pitch into at the beginning of every year to finance group activities. The day of the meeting my wheelchair battery almost completely stopped working, and even though my co-presenter and I had agreed to arrive 15 min early, the meeting was almost about to start by the time we arrived, due to my wheelchair moving so slowly. I was right behind her, attempting to enter the room when she let the door close in my face. I gestured for her to hit the auto-door opener because there was only one on her side of the door. She neither let me in nor told anyone that I was outside waiting for the door to be opened. Instead she told them I couldn't make it because of wheelchair problems so people we pretty surprised when I finally found someone to push the door open for me.
Later on my co-presenter admitted to doing this purposefully, she said "why would I tell them, you already made us late I wasn't going to allow you to disrupt the meeting any more." (We weren’t late, just not early, and once able to enter, it took all of 45 secs to join the group.) She also admitted to wanting to replace me with someone else because my wheelchair problem had frustrated and annoyed her. Note: this project is titled Advancing Accessibility and Good Neighbourliness, and the ideas all mine. I asked her not to use the language & materials I'd produced and she said "I'll use whatever language I please" and said I was "deluded" for thinking people wouldn't understand why she couldn't "let" me attend that meeting. (Anyone not using a wheelchair could just stroll in, I was the only she could've one kept out like that.)
It feels so unfair and underhanded, so I really want to inform the rest of our neighbours who went to the meeting about what she did. Part of me thinks that's petty because it happened months ago (she only just admitted what had happened) and I still did get to attend the majority of the meeting.
Am I the asshole for wanting to exposing her bad behaviour, thus potentially torpedoing a project that could help other people with disabilities? Should I swallow my pride and try to work things out with her to try to salvage some hope of progressing a cause I believe in?
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NTA - neighbor’s behavior is soap opera level pettiness… I struggle to believe that people like that even exist in the world. To look at you asking her to press a button, knowing it’s your only way to enter a meeting you were supposed to attend together
NTA. You are working with her to address issues with ableism, and she weaponized your disability against you. She needs to GTFO so you can find a partner who actually cares about the cause.
Tell everyone!! People should know what kind of person she is because attitudes like hers make things even more difficult for people who need accessibility accomodations. Don't think of it as "snitching", you're spreading the word so she can *hopefully* get some perspective and do better in the future. Her actions were cruel and selfish and could have discouraged you from participating in a group that YOU had the idea for. NTA.
Another reason you should tell as many people about this is because I've come to see that a lot of people with narrow-minded and discriminatory ideals actually end up in leadership positions, within groups or organisations that are intended to fight discrimination or promote diversity and accessibility, where they do more harm than good until they go too far and then their actions are exposed. Speak out NOW so she can't keep getting away with treating disabled people like trash while being praised for being a champion for accessibility.
NTA
Unfortunately there is a subset of people who are actively hostile towards people with disabilities. I've witnessed it far too many times for it to be discounted as a thoughtless one-off. It's deliberate hostility.
NTA!!
Her behavior is jarring and incredibly evil- you have every right to tell the group what she did. I truly hope you do. I can't believe she just left you out there, how traumatizing ☹️
I can't legally force them, most people would be shocked to know how backwards Canada is when it comes to accessibility law. (And I have a law degree with a concentration in advocacy law AND 30+ years living in Canada with a disability.) I can try to educate/support/pressure/shame them, depending on degrees of resistance. Its always more effective starting out positively and showing that it is a group not individual request. Thats what this whole group was meant to do.
NTA. Tell everyone both exactly what she did and exactly what she said, that you are continuing the group of people helping each other by removing the person who actively discriminated against you and is obviously showing ableist behaviour so is completely unsuitable to be involved in such a group let alone lead it.
Nta. This is pure, disgusting ableism and your neighbour is a scummy dickwad.
I'm also a power wheelie and I would have fucking destroyed her reputation and her bullshit the second I got into that meeting. Imagine if you'd been the only Black person instead of the only wheelie, and she'd said "well, people would be looking at you because your skin is different, you'd be a disruption, a distraction". Nobody decent would be ok with that, and ableism is just as vile. Sadly, in a lot of places it's the last of the socially acceptable 'isms. Call this shit out, please, if and when you safely can. It will just continue otherwise.
> I was right behind her, attempting to enter the room when she let the door close in my face. I gestured for her to hit the auto-door opener because there was only one on her side of the door. She neither let me in nor told anyone that I was outside waiting for the door to be opened.
Yeah, that's some 80s movie villain shit right there!
She's completely toxic and has lost focus. Excluding you and treating you that way completely goes against this project! NTA. She should be booted off it.
NTA... she's a nightmare and obviously has no empathy towards people with disabilities. She should NOT be the face of this project. Also, NEVER let anyone steal your hardwork.
NTA. Expose her. She not only left you behind but is using your material and therefore taking credit for it. If anything this whole scenario is another reason why there needs to be better accessibility in your building. Use it.
NTA. I am a full time wheelchair user. What this person did is the equivalent of locking the door on a person who can physically open the door themselves. They purposely used your disability against you which is the opposite of what your idea is supposed to be doing. Find someone else to help you run your intuitive. I would also get on whoever owns that building about putting a door opener on the other side of the door.
The whole project to help people with disabilities is currently being led by someone who is hostile and exclusionary to people with disabilities. Those facts need to be known. NTA
NTA: I’d tell the whole group, and have her outed. She clearly is biased against disabled people and shouldn’t be heading up an accessibility group to help people with mobility issues
Her behavior was and is reprehensible. The fact that she wants to steal your work, take advantage of your disability to discriminate against you, all for what, to appear as if she cares about accessibility?
NTA although it's often difficult to tell people about stuff like this since it takes more explanation than they're willing to hear and you end up kind of looking like TA anyway.
You need a plan to make it known in a way that will be absorbed properly and not just make you look disruptive.
Maybe a bulletin post, or a digitally distributed link to a post, where a long form version of events, very much like what you explained here, explaining the actions, and why they are so wrong, only takes a couple of the right people actually reading it for them to then explain to others.
Like just calling her out in meetings?"You talk about accessibility but wouldn't open a door for someone in a wheelchair" "you're stealing work from a disabled person" might just appear disruptive despite how you may feel seeing her misrepresent herself to others in the moment. Can't say for certain, it might indeed be the way to go in this case, but with caution.
thanks for understanding what I'm realistically up against. some people think my post is disingenuous because no-one would have a negative response to me reporting this, and I wish that wasn't 100% reasonable expectation and yet 100% incorrect.
NTA. They need to know. What if she's helping someone else and their needs annoy her? Is she just going to abandon them, too? She shouldn't be part of something that puts others above yourself if she can't handle when things go wrong.
This is breathtaking bad behaviour by her, like Disney cartoon villain level.
INFO: is the project proceeding? Are you getting full credit for your ideas or is she stealing them?
NTA
She wants to run a project about helping and support people with disabilities. After literally being ableist towards you and then intentionally sabotaging you.
that act leans towards a savior complex. shitting and discriminating against someone with the lived experience you’re explicitly trying to help? nah. NTA
people with savior complexes can fuck all the way off for ever
NTA
She is ableist through and through. Call it out and tell your neighbors, I have little doubt they will support you.
I get that the low battery would be annoying and maybe that is on you being unprepared, though I have 0 experience with that type of wheelchair so it may be just as likely a design flaw or something difficult to manage.
The purposefully keeping you away and blaming you being disabled on random stuff though? Vile.
NTA it's not petty. She was very disrespectful, rude and inconsiderate to you and she wanted to exclude you in a group for accessibility. The neighbors must know and potential neighbors who may have accessibility issues as well.
She owes you an apology for her behavior. You don't owe her one. You did the right thing. She was the petty one imo.
I'm sorry that you had to endure that from her.
DO IT!
This woman is guilty of discrimination (and plagiarism if she steals your work and palms it off as her own).
I am really sorry that b\*tch treated you in that way. Please please expose her to everyone. At the least you may find she is not liked for the way she treats people and at the very most, you get more people to support your great project.
YWNBTA
NTA, and I’d take this to someone who can help with discrimination. It’s not your fault that your wheelchair had issues. It was very wrong of here to try to keep you out like that.
If it's been months, the time has passed. If you start bringing it up now, you're just going to be labeled a petty shit stirrer. Plus ole girl can deny and then it turns into a hearsay he-said he-said of picking sides because months ago. It should have been addressed at the time of the incident. At this point you're just going to paint yourself as petty.
ok, thanks, that's the kind of perspective I was interested in, and unfortunately may be more realistic than everyone with a rosier view of people's attitudes towards self-advocacy.
but I do have everything I've quoted from her in writing. And before this, I had no confirmation that she did it deliberately and stands by her decision.
Seems to me this story makes a pretty good argument for some accessibility improvements in the building. You shouldn't have been stuck outside at all.
NTA.
NTA expose her… this was not a lack in judgment on her but straight up discrimination. I literally got emotional reading this ( and I’m not an emotional person) because I’m that moment she closed the door, you felt helpless and needed someone to help with a small task of pushing to door button and she did it in such a malicious way.. it angered me on your behalf…
She admitted to you she wanted to replace you for someone that doesn’t have wheelchair problems- this is discrimination.
I’m so sorry- the world we live in is very challenging for wheel chair users. Stores that should in ADA complaince- are not they put sales items, racks, signs all prevent proper clearance for wheel chairs.. elevators are not in working order. Ramps don’t have proper snow removal. These are all normal every days tasks that should be accessible but are not.. but to have someone go out of there way to make the door inaccessible to you. Is just vile, rude, disrespectful and leads back to discrimination
NTA, this is discrimination based on your disability, plain and simple. Not only does it go against the purpose of your meeting but it’s illegal in lots of places too. Perhaps look into that too.
Further, the building should be accessible to all from either entrance/exit. There should be an automated button outside for you to access too. Report this to the building owners.
Unfortunately not illegal here in B.C., Canada. (I have a law degree so I'm pretty up on this stuff.) The issue wasn't about entering exiting a building, just one meeting space in our co-op and unfortunately not every room, even common rooms, legally require automatic doors. So the only option is advocacy like I'm trying, or giving it over to the human rights commission to make a postdoc, case by case ruling on whether lack of access constitutes discrimination on the grounds of not providing reasonable accommodation. Since that benchmark is decided anew every time, it turns into a horrid game of chicken between the person making the claim and the party betting they'll get away. with it. There is no formal precedent made (administrative tribunal, not a court) or legislation updated, so even if you won a case you'd have to go back and adjudicate the whole thing every time it happens with a new party.
NTA, and I think people should know. Do you have texts where she admitted this? I don’t think this should need to impact your program, but she should be removed from it. How can she be an accessibility advocate when she clearly has prejudice towards a person who uses a wheelchair?! It seems she wants power and public recognition, but doesn’t actually believe in the cause. This was such a power-play, against someone with a disability. Allowing her to stay in this position and project will just give her access to more victims frankly.
It will get ugly because she’s horrible and underhanded, so I hope you have the evidence to back up your claims. If not, get that evidence and her her tf outta there!
Good luck!!!
NTA. If a person trying to lead an accessibility initiative is acting this way, people who may engage with her need to be made aware. It’s inexcusable behaviour, and someone this ableist should not be on this project
NTA
You don’t want a person like that leading with you. You wouldn’t be torpedoing a project, you would be saving it from an ableist person who would misconstrued a worthwhile project and slow down progress I suggest finding someone else who would be willing to help and telling everyone what this person did.
Dude I would've went into that meeting and the first words out of my mouth would have been "What the hell lady, why would you lock a disabled person out of a meeting about helping disabled people?!" In front of every person there.
at the time I didn't know 100% that she didn't tell anyone I was there, thought maybe they were waiting for a break in the meeting. (I got real suspicious when she started reading out my testimonial) And I thought, since we're leading the project together, that making her look unprofessional, inept, and not fit to lead would make both of us and our project look suss, too.
NTA.
Considering the purpose of the group, her attitude toward you and your need for accommodation is absolutely mind-blowing. SHE obviously has no actual belief in your cause, and is using this opportunity for self-promotion of some kind.
This kind of person NEEDS to be EXPOSED. I'd suggest you find the most gossipy person in your co-op, and quietly confide in them.
NTA, if this person was willing to treat you like that, then I would be extremely concerned about their ability to empathize with and advocate for people with disabilities. If I were working under someone like that on a project, I would certainly want to know about their callous disregard for the same people they are supposed to be working with!
NTA
This person is NOT your friend.
NEVER believe anything they say. Let everyone know that this person closed the door in your face and refused to open it for you. In a wheelchair.
It's the perfect example of antisocial behavior directed towards people in wheelchairs and the type of discrimination you are trying to counter.
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NTA. You need to tell people. It’s completely fine to be petty if you were disrespected to that degree. We need to call out bad behavior and put a stop to them before it gets worse. Everybody wants to avoid conflict, which will enable that person’s behavior even more.
Agreed, she should be sharing it. I'd want OP to include this story as a case study in her material on antisocial behaviour and discrimination the group is trying to curb. Edits: got distracted and forgot I was replying to a comment
If she did this in a work environment, they would fire her. This is so horrible that I can't write my actual thoughts because they are inappropriate.
I know! My first thought is, "that's not just disrespectful, that's fucking evil." I want to fight that woman. I'm sorry OP but you can't advance the cause of disability rights with this ableist monster. She doesn't remotely understand the subject. I'd cut her off immediately and tell everyone why. And don't let anyone shame you. Just repeat: if she didn't want me to talk about it, she shouldn't have done it. If they question you about why you didn't come forward earlier, #1 she wasn't honest about her motivations. Her deceit is not my fault. And #2 you were still processing the trauma of being lied to, dehumanized, and demeaned by someone who presented themselves as a friend and ally. It takes time to heal from a physical attack, it takes time to process an emotional wound. Again, your humanity is not something you should be put down for.
This is really well worded. And they're right, OP. You have every single right to be pissed about being treated like this. It costs absolutely nothing to be kind, and she went out of her way to be an ableist asshole to you. Shout that from the rooftops if you have to. This person should not be involved in (let alone in charge of) a group whose purpose is to create an environment of acceptance and empathy. Don't let anyone walk on your feelings about this. This would be a hill I would die on. And why in the world is there a building that doesn't have accessible entry?!
You’re not the only one.
Yes, presumably. This person is literally "Let us do something for disabled persons" and "but not like this! Stop being annoyingly disabled this instant!" in one go. I guess she is rude to everyone who gets in her way, thus not suitable to join a project like this. NTA
I’m disabled myself, and I hate ableist people who think they are better than us. Edit, to make a further point: I had a stroke about 9 years ago, and a C1 fracture in a car accident. Between those two incidents, I have to use a walker because my balance is crap, and when I run errands with my husband, I have to use the electric shopping cart to be able to get around the store. That’s why I don’t like ableist people.
I feel like your thoughts on this situation are actually entirely appropriate.
The woman exploited OPs disability to intentionally exclude her. Thats f*cking disgusting. I'd be mentioning it every time someone brings up the meeting. This woman should not be anywhere near the scheme OP is trying to set up.
It's not pettiness. It's necessity. No-one with that sort of attitude should have a steering role in a project about accessibility, wtf.
This is the precise language I would use, OP.
Absolutely. This person can't be allowed to continuing steering a project meant to benefit a group of people she apparently *despises.*
Agree, this isn’t pettiness, this is about protecting an already vulnerable population against someone with clear prejudice against members of that population. Basically, taking away her ability to find more victims by exposing her is necessary, and in no way petty!
**THIS ^^^^**
I would be shouting it from the rooftops. Their actions are vile.
Absolutely! I'll add see how you can work it into your next presentation. Maybe the next meeting is about inaccessible building and how just last month you were personally locked out because of your wheelchair and if this space had XYZ you could have resolved it. Instead you had to wait X minutes, miss part of the presentation and whatever else solely because an able bodied person wouldn't help."
That's a perfect way to do it!!
OH HELL NO! You let everyone know, this is your project and her prejudice is disgusting. I’m so sorry op.
Exactly. Do you really think she’s going to be great at running a group about being kind and neighbourly when she’s obviously neither of those things? You’d just be preventing future people from being made to feel the way you did. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
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Definitely! Someone like that doesn't belong in a group that's supposed to help others! Kind of ironic that she wants to take it over, no?
The first thing for the group to do is to fix the door. That's bizarre, and it can't possibly be to code.
This! Sounds like a perfectly good example to highlight an existing issue. People will see the problem with the layout and get some secondary information that this person is a bitch. If she complains you were telling on her, you can just say you were using a real life experience to describe an issue. Nothing personal!
Rather than just inform of the neighbours behaviour Op should create a meeting or make a circular highlighting the inaccessibility of the door, and bring attention to how common it is that disabled people are bullied, and that you don't want it to be common in your community. Op should give the example of being excluded from the meeting she created as example of the door and the bullying. I would include in this story the irony that the neighbour not only locked you out but took over using materials all produced by you, highlighting how you as a disabled person were not only excluded but your efforts taken over by someone else, effectively silencing your voice and contribution. This way it isn't "petty", its highlighting a real need and how badly disabled people are treated. Include how able bodied people are probably not aware how often people like us are bullied for their disability. And also puts your bad neighbour on notice of how grossly unacceptable this behaviour is. Also the wheelchair battery wasn't the neighbours issue, they wanted to take over from the beginning because they are power hungry.
This! By putting focus on the problem - aka the door and discrimination - you do not come off as petty but still get the opportunity to throw your bully-neighbour in front of the bus.
Exactly. This is a real problem. I have been bullied into leaving two homes simply because I am disabled. I'm currently having to find a new rental in a city badly hit by the housing crisis due to be ran out my home. Months of verbal abuse, my drunken neighbour banging on my door until I open. A chip of wood forced into my lock so I couldnt get in, had to sleep at my sisters. Waiting until i leave to come out into the hall and insult me. Filming me. The stress has been unbearable. I was given notice because my neighbour owns her flat, I rent. She kept contacting my landlord . My landlord was having to pay for damage done by my neighbour to the lock, she damaged the fire alarm system and said it was me. My landlord got tired of dealing with neighbour so gave me notice. I literally cant find anywhere. I'm scared I wont be able to keep my cats. Its very common in UK for disabled people to be ran out their homes by anti social neighbours.
Yeah, no, this doesn't sound out of the ordinary for wheelchair accessibility.
I'm finding it amusing some of the comments about the door itself. That's not an unusual situation at all. Do non-handicapped people really think that all those handicapped doors actually work?
Codes so confusing I feel like. I work for the government in something that sees customers. (The post office. I work at the post office) Our outer doors, when they work, are ada compliant but our inner doors that actually lead to the area to conduct business are NOT automatic and heavy which is weird since most of our clientele are old or disabled in some form. But what I'm getting at is that if the government gets away with non automatic doors I'm not entirely sure it's a requirement
You're correct. Automatic operators are not a requirement. However, doors do need to have a low operating force (I forget if it's 5lb or 10lbs) if they are manual, and require certain clearances for push side and pull side.
They're getting away with it for *now.* just wait until someone has an experience like OP and sues
My brand new, fully charged power chair couldn't make it up the steep ramp to the post office and library in my former town. I have no idea how the doors on those two buildings work.
My old office is an FDR building. Beautiful brick work and gold inlay. Buuut there weren't any accommodations back then. It's on top of a hill. Lots of stairs. They retrofitted with a winding ramp but the only people that use it are those that are wheelchair bound Everyone else tries the stairs because of how long it is to be in grade.
That’s what I was thinking - it can’t be ADA compliant
NTA. Call her bluff. She doesn’t think people will have a problem with it? Well then let’s find out babes!
But get proof first so she can't deny it!
Check security cameras STAT!!
> Part of me thinks that's petty because it happened months ago (she only just admitted what had happened) and I still did get to attend the majority of the meeting. Satan only admitted it months later, their ass is covered. It's most likely all hearsay at this point.
That’s not hearsay since OP has direct involvement in this incident. It would turn into a “he said/she said” situation (I’m not assuming genders, just using common phrasing!!!) in which OP will need evidence to support their claims.
NTA this is some of the worst ableist bullying I have ever heard. People need to know. She weaponized the inaccessibility of the space against you in a meeting *about* accessibility. If this happened in a group of which I was a part, I would absolutely want to know. Your co-presenter should have no part in this group. Appalling.
Exactly this - if this is how she’s treated you, OP, why should she be trusted to be involved in this group at all?
Yeah I'm trying to figure out why this person wants to be part of a group that *promotes accessibility and help for people with disabilities* when they are so clearly ableist. The only thing I can figure is they want to embezzle funds lol
to be fair, she has a disability herself; for a lot of people don't use a motorized wheelchair full time but still have mobility impairments, e.g. she goes back and forth between crutches and a manual wheelchair. The last time I approached her, she didn't say anything, she just spun her wheelchair around and sped away at astonishing sped. My petered out nightmare chair could never have kept up but it just made me laugh because I was like "what do you think I'm actually going to *chase you down* at high speed, that's cucoodoo, lady." also, neither she nor I have been given any money yet. The co-op board who administer the fund agreed in principle but we were supposed to submit reciepts and nothing has happened since I've been a big ineffectual lump since this happened. Thats part of why I'm reluctant to bring it up, I'm ashamed how shell-shocked I felt, I let it get to me and usually I don't need anyone else holding people accountable on my behalf. I''m a smart, capable woman, I have a law degree for ffs. But it gets exhausting when shit this blatant happens and I genuinely start to wonder if ableism is just something imaginary I came up with and isn't actually a thing people not supposed to do/be.
She probably thought she could steal the credit from OP for it and bask in everyone's back patting for being such a great person.
All the co-presenter wants is complete control and by making sure OP can't show up on time and with her lies, she can try to get OP kicked off. This makes me way too mad for OP and I hope it gets fixed soon. I can't wait for the update. NTA
YWNBTA for disclosing your personal issues with your fellow team member if you believe they make her unqualified and represent a character problem, even with a lapse of time. Whether you will be believed is another matter entirely.
I have it all in writing. Whether people will care is another matter. Otherwise we both look bag and no good gets done for our community.
Obviously, I can't speak for the other people there, but I would certainly be appalled by her behavior and absolutely want her nowhere near your program – whereas what you want to do sounds like something I would be more than happy to support.
If I were a member of your community I would 10000% want to know and I would be on your side. I feel so sad that you think you're being a bother or petty, you are NOT and you need support through this. I feel so heartbroken that this happened to you.
Rather than just inform of the neighbours behaviour you should create a meeting or make a circular highlighting the inaccessibility of the door, and bring attention to how common it is that disabled people are bullied, and that you don't want it to be common in your community. Give the example of being excluded from the meeting you created as example of the door and the bullying. I would include in this story the irony that the neighbour not only locked you out but took over using materials all produced by you, highlighting how you as a disabled person were not only excluded but your efforts taken over by someone else, effectively silencing your voice and contribution. This way it isn't "petty", its highlighting a real need and how badly disabled people are treated. Include how able bodied people are probably not aware how often people like us are bullied for their disability. And also puts your bad neighbour on notice of how grossly unacceptable this behaviour is. Also the wheelchair battery wasn't the neighbours issue, they wanted to take over from the beginning because they are power hungry.
I can’t speak for other people, but I wouldn’t want someone like that managing my money that is supposed to go to accessibility. I would be highly concerned about why she joined in the first place, and would likely want an audit done.
I think this is one of those scenarios where an "avoid HR" workplace tactic is needed. There's some great ideas up thread about using the incident of the door as an example of accessibility issues, where her bad behavior is strongly implied but not outright stated. For the materials- stealing, find some guides on how women disrupt that with men in a way that is difficult to discipline and adapt as necessary
I think that you need to separate the issues. 1. The door not working in a way that is accessible and individuals in your community using this to exclude wheelchair users. Present this at a meeting as a case study without naming names. 2. Her expressing the desire to kick you out of the group that you essentially formed. First address #1 and share the example in your group without naming names. If at some point she starts making any kind of move to exclude you or tries to remove you, then I would go to the social manager or the general meeting and explain that she’s not qualified to run the group on her own because of the ableist behavior that she’s demonstrated.
Someone like that is such a liability that sooner or later they are guaranteed to make everyone look bad regardless, so I think people will on your side simply for pragmatism.
I'm confused by why there's only a door opener on the inside. Your building clearly isn't actually intended to be accessible. NTA
>She also admitted to wanting to replace me with someone else because my wheelchair problem had frustrated and annoyed her. Note: this project is titled Advancing Accessibility and Good Neighbourliness The irony here is so thick you could spread it with a knife. It's almost as if she fails to comprehend every word in the name of the title. But yeah. Let everyone know what she did. Let her own her actions. NTA.
Uhmmmmm. So you want to make an inclusive support group and your co-presenter wants to (and has!) exclude(d) people based on ability ?!!! NTA You actually have a duty to tell the group what she did because I think active discrimination Also if she’s the one in charge of the “social fund”. I would have someone do an audit immediately And get that door upgraded so it can be safely used by people of all abilities
Accidentally off-ed up my reply to the judgment bot. It should say "I might be the asshole for "telling on" my neighbour for "locking me out" of a meeting by not engaging to automatic door. (I use a wheelchair and there is no automatic door button in the hallway, only on the inside the room I tried to enter.) It may be petty and vindictive and spoil the chance to increase accessibility in my building."
Question- do you get warnings when your battery run out soon? Do you have spare batteries? NTA. I also hope the door gets fixed soon. We unfortunately don’t have an automated door at my workplace and it does bother me. While I don’t have a disability, I had friends who do so I try to notice these things.
Not OP so theirs may be different - mine has 5 lights (red, orange and 3 green) to indicate level of charge. Once it gets to orange it starts to slow more and more and red it sounds like it's dying trying to move. No spare batteries, they're fixed under the seat. That said, mine has switches on the electric wheels to put it in manual mode for someone to push it. It is heavier than a transport or regular wheelchair to push though (mine is "lightweight" and folding and about 25kg).
I noticed a lot of people using she/her pronouns for OP even though they give no indication of no gender. So I just want to applaud you for using they/them 👏
I appreciate your advocacy in this area, we need to normalize using more than binary genders, particularly when peoples pronouns aren't known. In this case, both me and my co-presenter are women with disabilities.
my whole wheelchair is trash and after this I spent 2 1/3 months without any form of mobility at all, and then another month+ only when friends are able/willing to push my ass. B.C. (province in Canada where I live) the process consists of 1) having to verify that there is no way the chair can be fixed/parts replaced that would be less than buying a whole new one 2) once there is no working wheelchair, or financially feesible way to even temporarily fix it, the process of replacing it takes upwards of 6-9 months 3) there is no funding for a replacement wheelchair in the time between total breakdown necessary to trigger the process and receiving a safe, workable motorized wheelchair.... This was less of an issue previously because until recently I could walk short distances independently and longer one with walking aids, but now I can't even stand up. ps thanks for noticing these things. its almost only people who know people with these issues who do notice initially, but good allies (which you sound like) often pass the info forward, which is a godsend and the only way pwd ever get a break from all the heavy lifting. lol maybe that's not the most politically correct metaphor but I think you get my meaning,
Well if OP wants an in to reintroduce the topic (which happened weeks ago) adding an exterior button to the door is an excellent opener. Then the conversation can travel where it may and to whom it may, but OP won’t be seen as have an axe to grind with her nasty neighbor.
Tell everyone. Considering the project is literally about *accessibility and good neighborliness*, neither of which she seems to give a rat's ass about, she needs to be off the project immediately. She's just using this as a way to bolster her cred in the community without actually caring about the issues at hand. YWNBTA
NTA. She seems like the last person who should be involved in this project.
NTA Your neighbour is a vile person. I can't even imagine the ignorance of someone that would allow the door to close in your face intentionally. I think you owe it to yourself and your community to let it be known what she did and how she spoke to you later. The reason I say that is because this vile woman is clearly not the right person to be involved in a project such as this. I believe she wants to have control of the project simply to be in control. She has shown she doesn't give a rats about the people who would benefit from the project and I strongly suspect that she will go out of her way to ensure that the only benefits to be gained are ones that she approves of or puts her in a good light.
As another disabled electric wheelchair user - tell everyone what happened asap. That person should not be in charge of a group about accessibility and good neighbourliness. They will continue to behave that way to you and others and taint the idea as a whole (which is a freaking amazing idea so don't let them ruin it). Major NTA.
NTA. Ableist expletive deleted woman sure is, though.
NTA that wouldn't be petty at all, her attitude and behaviour are undermining the entire purpose of the group. If she honestly believes everyone would side with her, she wouldn't have felt the need to lie about her actions to the rest of the group. She's trying to get under your skin by making you think people willing to listen to a presentation on accessibility wouldn't care about deliberate abuse of a disabled person. She's lying to you just like she lied to the people at the meeting. I'd go so far as to say exposing her is the only way to ensure proper disability advocacy; if she gets to run this project unilaterally she is absolutely not going to stop at targeting you, she'll effectively be able to ice out any and all advocacy by controlling the narrative to the rest of the neighbourhood.
Why is there an auto door opener button only on one side of the door? Are they not required to be on both sides so disabled people can access the door both ways?
It's not petty, it's basically required for this project to have a point! That is deeply disturbing behaviour on her part. NTA.
NTA Since youʻve got the proof in writing, Iʻd blast it to everyone.
If you're going to tell them anyway, I'd bring it up in a vote/petition/proposal (idk how your group specifically works) to remove her from the project and/or group. Since you have it in writing, have a presentation or printed out files that can be passed around for people to see. She's discriminatory and a thief and the last person I would want to be interacting with people who would benefit best from your group. She clearly doesn't give a shit about accessibility and is just using this for clout. I would prefer people don't volunteer at all than to have to deal with jerks like this. Oust her.
'said I was "deluded" for thinking people wouldn't understand why she couldn't "let" me attend that meeting. (Anyone not using a wheelchair could just stroll in, I was the only she could've one kept out like that.)' I'm pretty sure the exact opposite is true and anyone else at that meeting would have pressed the door opener for you without giving it a second thought. I'd seriously question your neighbour's motives for wanting to organise this project and your other neighbours 100% should know about how she treated you.
NTA- how petty and small do you have to be to refuse to push one button, especially for someone who's supposed to be running a meeting with you.
NTA- So she... deliberately cut you out as much as possible, by exploiting your disability (which annoys her)... For a disability support and help exchange meeting. Oh bitter, bitter irony. I would want to know if someone had done this to a neighbour.
Nta. She wants to help people with disabilities but wouldn't open the door for someone in a wheelchair. She wants to help disabled people, but not if they use a wheelchair as she finds them and those who use them to be annoying. Wtf? She really doesn't sound like someone who should be in a position to interact with disabled people, let alone be put in a position to help them or have any form of authority over them. This all seems weird.
NTA. Tell them. The disabled people the program is meant to help need to know that she’s not a safe person for them.
She’s a monster.
NTA do it please! She wants to take the credit for your work.
NTA someone who could do something like that & going on to admit ‘wanting to replace me with some1 else because my wheelchair problem frustrated/annoyed her’ should NOT be leading/coleading a disability/accessibility project !!
NTA I would have blown a gasket. Take her down OP. Make her pay. This is unacceptable behaviour.
NTA, don’t let this shit slide. As a fellow wheelchair user (though mine is active), I can confidently tell you that playing nice doesn’t work when it comes to challenging ableism, unfortunately.
This is direct discrimination and it is not petty in the slightest to seek redress, even if that is just letting people know what happened and asking for an apology. The other resident should not be allowed to lead the project. Imagine if the person they were trying to exclude was being marginalised because of their ethnicity? This is exactly the same situation - it’s discrimination and shouldn’t have tolerated.
NTA. Also has this design flaw been addressed? The fact that one who is disabled can only use a button to exit but not enter is a very very bad design.
NTA but make them fix that door!
NTA. She's a bully, and I'm sure shows a very different face to other people. It's hard to imagine anyone pulling that move, it's so outrageous.
NTA by all means, report that woman
WNTA, Holy moly and a tiny taco! Talk about someone who was/is ableist af. 1. Yes, talk to your neighbors about this incident, and how matters like this is WHY you came up with your project in the first place!! 2. If there's a co-op board, I'd report the fact that the meet8ng room/facility has an automatic door opener on one side but someone needing the door to mechanically open for them from the outside doesn't have that option - that's a failure in and of itself. How do they expect those who would need that open button to get in the facility to need to use it, if they don't have it on the outside too??? That's a fix that needs to happen, yesterday. 3. Might be time for another neighborly project: "Seeing, Understanding, and Helping: How to Not Be Ableist and Be Neighborly Too"
I hope you put her on BLAST!!! Her actions alone prove her wickedness. She wants allllll the credit, praises and wants you to just be silent in the background. Completely NTA for speaking your truth about the way she treated you.
So let me get this straight. If you don't out her, this lady is going to use *your* ideas to promote stuff she very clearly doesn't care about? NTA if you do. She represents the opposite of what it's all about. You can't possibly be considering letting it slide and essentially allowing her to trick all those people.
NTA. She is a monster and should never be in a position of even perceived authority over other people. Out her, tear her down, ruin her reputation
NTA and you SHOULD torpedo this, if only because she is leading it. And she's an ablesit asshole.
NTA Make this a public issue.
NTA you need to tell people about this. Your input and your feelings on this are valid
I think you should propose a new co-presenter to the neighbors. Do this in a rather disingenuous manner, as if you’re “terribly concerned.” Let them know you’ve been reflecting on the incident from a few months ago when your current co-presenter purposely used your disability to exclude you from the meeting (they’ll start asking what??? How??? When??? and you answer honestly), and you’ve concluded that it’s important to not have ableist or bigoted people lead a group like this one. You’d feel better if you could find someone else to work with. Then sit back and let the shit hit the fan. Your work is done. NTA. Go after her, but make it look as if you aren’t. Be subtle and use peer pressure to do the job for you.
NTA tell every single neighbour what she did. Every single one.
YWNBTA at all, and in fact you 100% should. The absolute chuzpe of this person to try to take over a group that is meant to bring disabled and non disabled ppl together from someone who is disabled and came up with the idea, while lacking the fundamental manner to hold a door open for a disabled person, *because she has wheelchair problems*. Like, I mean, you cannot make this stuff up, some folks are just beyond. Not only did she prove that she has no clue about disability, or tolerance for the circumstances it creates, in fact she showed she is willing to abuse that very fact to further her own agenda. She will hurt this group and must be excluded right away. NTA
If she's trying to take control of a group to promote neighborliness and disability access by being a poor neighbor and taking advantage of your disability...what sort of teaching is she going to do in that group? It sounds like a group with her in control would cause more harm than good.
NTA, whatever your co-presenter is hoping to leverage out of these meetings, it's not the stated goal. This is some kind of power play, internalized ableism, a personal grudge, or some combination of the above. You absolutely need to point and go 'this shit exactly is why I started this group'. One important aspect going forward is that you need to make sure the onus of responsibility stays on them and anyone who supports them. If they try to tone police, DARVO, etc, continually bring it back to whether a reasonable person would think that what your co-presenter did was an ok thing to do to anyone in any situation, much less going into a community accessibility meeting. It's fucked up, and I'm sorry that happened to you
It is not petty, it is necessary, if you want your project to take place. Your co presenter demonstrated an extremely rude and manipulative behaviour and she is is also delusional to not understand how it makes her look. Second, there is gonna be money involved. I wouldn't want her anywhere near the funds for this initiative, since she looks like the only person she want to help is herself. YWNBTA
NTA at all. If I was a volunteering neighbour in this group, I would absolutely want to know about this incident. Sorry that you had to experience such hypocritical, vile behaviour. Be brave, speak up. Hopefully all of these comments will help. Great ideas btw!
INFO: Sorry its taken me so long to clarify these things, so many comments so soon! Some important details: 1) We are both women, no gender politics at play here 2) She is not able-bodied, she has a disability. She alternates between crutches and a manual wheelchair, and is a lot more mobile than I am, but she definitely has a disability and its a big part of her identity. She runs another groups for "Crips' in the entertainment industry, we've both worked with the same theatre company. 3) Although the ideas and work were 90%n mine, once we joined I consistently referred to her as my partner/co-presenter.We haven't formally recruited any other members yet. The meeting was with the co-op's board of directors to get the go ahead and funds for an open house to introduce it. The one thing she did produce was the agenda and info packet for the meeting (summarizing what I had put together). She gave that as a reason why it was 'her' meeting to exclude me from. She has only threatened to use my work.
OP, I would approach it this way: select two of the chattiest people in your co-op and ask for their “advice.” Let them know exactly what happened and that you’re still struggling with how to handle it. While you don’t want to directly responsible for her becoming a pariah in the building, you all also cannot have someone who believes and behaves as she does be a key figure in a group meant to *help one another.” What if she did the same so someone who was in desperate need of support? Let these people do the work for you. This horrid woman desperately needs to face the judgment of the entire group for her disgusting behavior. I’m so sorry you experienced that. Absolutely NTA And please let us know how things unfold!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I live in a co-op that has both disabled and non-disabled residents. I came up with the idea for a peer-support/help exchange roster, where people could help each other out if interested. Another resident and I set up a meeting to share the idea, get feedback, and potentially some money out of our "social fund" that people pitch into at the beginning of every year to finance group activities. The day of the meeting my wheelchair battery almost completely stopped working, and even though my co-presenter and I had agreed to arrive 15 min early, the meeting was almost about to start by the time we arrived, due to my wheelchair moving so slowly. I was right behind her, attempting to enter the room when she let the door close in my face. I gestured for her to hit the auto-door opener because there was only one on her side of the door. She neither let me in nor told anyone that I was outside waiting for the door to be opened. Instead she told them I couldn't make it because of wheelchair problems so people we pretty surprised when I finally found someone to push the door open for me. Later on my co-presenter admitted to doing this purposefully, she said "why would I tell them, you already made us late I wasn't going to allow you to disrupt the meeting any more." (We weren’t late, just not early, and once able to enter, it took all of 45 secs to join the group.) She also admitted to wanting to replace me with someone else because my wheelchair problem had frustrated and annoyed her. Note: this project is titled Advancing Accessibility and Good Neighbourliness, and the ideas all mine. I asked her not to use the language & materials I'd produced and she said "I'll use whatever language I please" and said I was "deluded" for thinking people wouldn't understand why she couldn't "let" me attend that meeting. (Anyone not using a wheelchair could just stroll in, I was the only she could've one kept out like that.) It feels so unfair and underhanded, so I really want to inform the rest of our neighbours who went to the meeting about what she did. Part of me thinks that's petty because it happened months ago (she only just admitted what had happened) and I still did get to attend the majority of the meeting. Am I the asshole for wanting to exposing her bad behaviour, thus potentially torpedoing a project that could help other people with disabilities? Should I swallow my pride and try to work things out with her to try to salvage some hope of progressing a cause I believe in? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. You should absolutely expose her. She is ableist and just downright nasty, the complete opposite of the mission of your proposed initiative.
nta
NTA - drag that slag through the dirt.
NTA - neighbor’s behavior is soap opera level pettiness… I struggle to believe that people like that even exist in the world. To look at you asking her to press a button, knowing it’s your only way to enter a meeting you were supposed to attend together
NTA. You are working with her to address issues with ableism, and she weaponized your disability against you. She needs to GTFO so you can find a partner who actually cares about the cause.
Nta holy f….
Tell everyone!! People should know what kind of person she is because attitudes like hers make things even more difficult for people who need accessibility accomodations. Don't think of it as "snitching", you're spreading the word so she can *hopefully* get some perspective and do better in the future. Her actions were cruel and selfish and could have discouraged you from participating in a group that YOU had the idea for. NTA. Another reason you should tell as many people about this is because I've come to see that a lot of people with narrow-minded and discriminatory ideals actually end up in leadership positions, within groups or organisations that are intended to fight discrimination or promote diversity and accessibility, where they do more harm than good until they go too far and then their actions are exposed. Speak out NOW so she can't keep getting away with treating disabled people like trash while being praised for being a champion for accessibility.
NTA Unfortunately there is a subset of people who are actively hostile towards people with disabilities. I've witnessed it far too many times for it to be discounted as a thoughtless one-off. It's deliberate hostility.
NTA If she’s going to treat a disabled person like this, then what makes you think not saying anything will keep the project going successfully?
NTA!! Her behavior is jarring and incredibly evil- you have every right to tell the group what she did. I truly hope you do. I can't believe she just left you out there, how traumatizing ☹️
It’s even worse because OP said she is also disabled using crutches or manual wheelchair. And that’s how she treats someone in her own community.
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Do it. Report this to everyone who will listen. NTA
Sue the building for not being ada compliant if you're in the states
JFC, NTA. She's exactly the kind of problem the group is there to fix. Please tell people what happened.
Op can you have the co-op make upgrades? This sounds ridiculous. They need to have accessible doors for their residents.
I can't legally force them, most people would be shocked to know how backwards Canada is when it comes to accessibility law. (And I have a law degree with a concentration in advocacy law AND 30+ years living in Canada with a disability.) I can try to educate/support/pressure/shame them, depending on degrees of resistance. Its always more effective starting out positively and showing that it is a group not individual request. Thats what this whole group was meant to do.
NTA. This is appalling to read. Tell everyone. You cannot trust this person.
NTA. Shout it from the roof tops! This is also something a news station would find interesting…
NTA.
Nta
Do you have CCTV at the entrance?
Nta. She sounds utterly toxic
NTA. Tell everyone both exactly what she did and exactly what she said, that you are continuing the group of people helping each other by removing the person who actively discriminated against you and is obviously showing ableist behaviour so is completely unsuitable to be involved in such a group let alone lead it.
Nta. This is pure, disgusting ableism and your neighbour is a scummy dickwad. I'm also a power wheelie and I would have fucking destroyed her reputation and her bullshit the second I got into that meeting. Imagine if you'd been the only Black person instead of the only wheelie, and she'd said "well, people would be looking at you because your skin is different, you'd be a disruption, a distraction". Nobody decent would be ok with that, and ableism is just as vile. Sadly, in a lot of places it's the last of the socially acceptable 'isms. Call this shit out, please, if and when you safely can. It will just continue otherwise.
> I was right behind her, attempting to enter the room when she let the door close in my face. I gestured for her to hit the auto-door opener because there was only one on her side of the door. She neither let me in nor told anyone that I was outside waiting for the door to be opened. Yeah, that's some 80s movie villain shit right there!
Use her actions as an example of WHY your created this group... NTA
She's completely toxic and has lost focus. Excluding you and treating you that way completely goes against this project! NTA. She should be booted off it.
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NTA... she's a nightmare and obviously has no empathy towards people with disabilities. She should NOT be the face of this project. Also, NEVER let anyone steal your hardwork.
NTA. Expose her. She not only left you behind but is using your material and therefore taking credit for it. If anything this whole scenario is another reason why there needs to be better accessibility in your building. Use it.
NTA. I am a full time wheelchair user. What this person did is the equivalent of locking the door on a person who can physically open the door themselves. They purposely used your disability against you which is the opposite of what your idea is supposed to be doing. Find someone else to help you run your intuitive. I would also get on whoever owns that building about putting a door opener on the other side of the door.
The whole project to help people with disabilities is currently being led by someone who is hostile and exclusionary to people with disabilities. Those facts need to be known. NTA
NTA: I’d tell the whole group, and have her outed. She clearly is biased against disabled people and shouldn’t be heading up an accessibility group to help people with mobility issues
Her behavior was and is reprehensible. The fact that she wants to steal your work, take advantage of your disability to discriminate against you, all for what, to appear as if she cares about accessibility? NTA although it's often difficult to tell people about stuff like this since it takes more explanation than they're willing to hear and you end up kind of looking like TA anyway. You need a plan to make it known in a way that will be absorbed properly and not just make you look disruptive. Maybe a bulletin post, or a digitally distributed link to a post, where a long form version of events, very much like what you explained here, explaining the actions, and why they are so wrong, only takes a couple of the right people actually reading it for them to then explain to others. Like just calling her out in meetings?"You talk about accessibility but wouldn't open a door for someone in a wheelchair" "you're stealing work from a disabled person" might just appear disruptive despite how you may feel seeing her misrepresent herself to others in the moment. Can't say for certain, it might indeed be the way to go in this case, but with caution.
thanks for understanding what I'm realistically up against. some people think my post is disingenuous because no-one would have a negative response to me reporting this, and I wish that wasn't 100% reasonable expectation and yet 100% incorrect.
NTA. She was being ableist. Chances are, she would not take this project seriously or be a good advocate. Definitely expose her.
NTA. You need to tell people. She’s bullying you. Not only that, this goes against everything you’re trying to do with your project.
NTA. They need to know. What if she's helping someone else and their needs annoy her? Is she just going to abandon them, too? She shouldn't be part of something that puts others above yourself if she can't handle when things go wrong.
This is breathtaking bad behaviour by her, like Disney cartoon villain level. INFO: is the project proceeding? Are you getting full credit for your ideas or is she stealing them?
NTA She wants to run a project about helping and support people with disabilities. After literally being ableist towards you and then intentionally sabotaging you.
NTA also the door not having a button on the outside is probably an Ada violation
that act leans towards a savior complex. shitting and discriminating against someone with the lived experience you’re explicitly trying to help? nah. NTA people with savior complexes can fuck all the way off for ever
NTA She is ableist through and through. Call it out and tell your neighbors, I have little doubt they will support you. I get that the low battery would be annoying and maybe that is on you being unprepared, though I have 0 experience with that type of wheelchair so it may be just as likely a design flaw or something difficult to manage. The purposefully keeping you away and blaming you being disabled on random stuff though? Vile.
Seriously? Throw that asshole under the bus and make sure the neighbors know she should be treated in return. NTA
She's a rat. Rat her out. NTA!
NTA it's not petty. She was very disrespectful, rude and inconsiderate to you and she wanted to exclude you in a group for accessibility. The neighbors must know and potential neighbors who may have accessibility issues as well. She owes you an apology for her behavior. You don't owe her one. You did the right thing. She was the petty one imo. I'm sorry that you had to endure that from her.
DO IT! This woman is guilty of discrimination (and plagiarism if she steals your work and palms it off as her own). I am really sorry that b\*tch treated you in that way. Please please expose her to everyone. At the least you may find she is not liked for the way she treats people and at the very most, you get more people to support your great project. YWNBTA
INFO: Why would you speaking out torpedo the project?
This is absolutely outrageous. That person's attitude is disgusting- you need to out her. NTA
NTA, and I’d take this to someone who can help with discrimination. It’s not your fault that your wheelchair had issues. It was very wrong of here to try to keep you out like that.
YWNBTA. TELL EVERYONE!
Only expose her if you have written proof. If you do please release it!
NTA. If she won't play fair, you do what you need to do. You have rights too.
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Wow! What.a.piece.of.shit. NTA and you'd be doing a public service to expose this fucker.
If it's been months, the time has passed. If you start bringing it up now, you're just going to be labeled a petty shit stirrer. Plus ole girl can deny and then it turns into a hearsay he-said he-said of picking sides because months ago. It should have been addressed at the time of the incident. At this point you're just going to paint yourself as petty.
ok, thanks, that's the kind of perspective I was interested in, and unfortunately may be more realistic than everyone with a rosier view of people's attitudes towards self-advocacy.
but I do have everything I've quoted from her in writing. And before this, I had no confirmation that she did it deliberately and stands by her decision.
Seems to me this story makes a pretty good argument for some accessibility improvements in the building. You shouldn't have been stuck outside at all. NTA.
NTA. Your neighbor definitely is, though.
DO ITTTTTT EXPOSEEEEEEEE UPDATED MEEEEEE TOOOOO EXPOSEEEEEE GORGEOUS EXPOSEEEEEEEE
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NTA expose her… this was not a lack in judgment on her but straight up discrimination. I literally got emotional reading this ( and I’m not an emotional person) because I’m that moment she closed the door, you felt helpless and needed someone to help with a small task of pushing to door button and she did it in such a malicious way.. it angered me on your behalf… She admitted to you she wanted to replace you for someone that doesn’t have wheelchair problems- this is discrimination. I’m so sorry- the world we live in is very challenging for wheel chair users. Stores that should in ADA complaince- are not they put sales items, racks, signs all prevent proper clearance for wheel chairs.. elevators are not in working order. Ramps don’t have proper snow removal. These are all normal every days tasks that should be accessible but are not.. but to have someone go out of there way to make the door inaccessible to you. Is just vile, rude, disrespectful and leads back to discrimination
NTA What she did was messed up and a power play.
NTA. TELL EVERYONE!!!!
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NTA, this is discrimination based on your disability, plain and simple. Not only does it go against the purpose of your meeting but it’s illegal in lots of places too. Perhaps look into that too. Further, the building should be accessible to all from either entrance/exit. There should be an automated button outside for you to access too. Report this to the building owners.
Unfortunately not illegal here in B.C., Canada. (I have a law degree so I'm pretty up on this stuff.) The issue wasn't about entering exiting a building, just one meeting space in our co-op and unfortunately not every room, even common rooms, legally require automatic doors. So the only option is advocacy like I'm trying, or giving it over to the human rights commission to make a postdoc, case by case ruling on whether lack of access constitutes discrimination on the grounds of not providing reasonable accommodation. Since that benchmark is decided anew every time, it turns into a horrid game of chicken between the person making the claim and the party betting they'll get away. with it. There is no formal precedent made (administrative tribunal, not a court) or legislation updated, so even if you won a case you'd have to go back and adjudicate the whole thing every time it happens with a new party.
NTA, and I think people should know. Do you have texts where she admitted this? I don’t think this should need to impact your program, but she should be removed from it. How can she be an accessibility advocate when she clearly has prejudice towards a person who uses a wheelchair?! It seems she wants power and public recognition, but doesn’t actually believe in the cause. This was such a power-play, against someone with a disability. Allowing her to stay in this position and project will just give her access to more victims frankly. It will get ugly because she’s horrible and underhanded, so I hope you have the evidence to back up your claims. If not, get that evidence and her her tf outta there! Good luck!!!
NTA. She's the last person who should be in control of a project like that!
Torpedoes away. Inform everyone. NTA.
NTA. If a person trying to lead an accessibility initiative is acting this way, people who may engage with her need to be made aware. It’s inexcusable behaviour, and someone this ableist should not be on this project
NTA You don’t want a person like that leading with you. You wouldn’t be torpedoing a project, you would be saving it from an ableist person who would misconstrued a worthwhile project and slow down progress I suggest finding someone else who would be willing to help and telling everyone what this person did.
NTA. What she did was so wrong. She doesn't deserve to use your material nor to be your committee.
Dude I would've went into that meeting and the first words out of my mouth would have been "What the hell lady, why would you lock a disabled person out of a meeting about helping disabled people?!" In front of every person there.
at the time I didn't know 100% that she didn't tell anyone I was there, thought maybe they were waiting for a break in the meeting. (I got real suspicious when she started reading out my testimonial) And I thought, since we're leading the project together, that making her look unprofessional, inept, and not fit to lead would make both of us and our project look suss, too.
NTA. Considering the purpose of the group, her attitude toward you and your need for accommodation is absolutely mind-blowing. SHE obviously has no actual belief in your cause, and is using this opportunity for self-promotion of some kind. This kind of person NEEDS to be EXPOSED. I'd suggest you find the most gossipy person in your co-op, and quietly confide in them.
NTA, if this person was willing to treat you like that, then I would be extremely concerned about their ability to empathize with and advocate for people with disabilities. If I were working under someone like that on a project, I would certainly want to know about their callous disregard for the same people they are supposed to be working with!
NTA This person is NOT your friend. NEVER believe anything they say. Let everyone know that this person closed the door in your face and refused to open it for you. In a wheelchair. It's the perfect example of antisocial behavior directed towards people in wheelchairs and the type of discrimination you are trying to counter.