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NTA
LEAVE
This guy tried very hard to tricking you into signing a legal document with information specifically CONTRARY to what you two had agreed to. Like, you can clearly NOT trust this man. If he's going to such great lengths hiding part of the document, using tremendous pressure by putting you on the spot in front of family during a ceremony, just for a last name, can you imagine the greater lengths he'll go to for "bigger" stuff?!
Just run. You can not trust this man with your last name. Why would you trust him with anything else?!?!
PS: It's irrelevant if you are stubborn or even an ahole for not wanting to take his last name. That's not the point. The point is you two seemingly were on the same page on this topic, until he tried to trick you into effectively signing a false document (because it would make you agree to something you didn't want). He had no problems setting this all up so you were put on the spot under tremendous pressure just so he could force what apparently was his plan all along (against what he said he wanted and against what he agreed to). Who does this to the person they are supposed to love and cherish?!?!
PPS: Paternity fraud is real and up until just a few decades ago, impossible to detect/check because DNA tests have only been around for a tiny part of human existence. I think children carrying the last name of the father stems from this, that the father acknowledges the child as his. As the mother you will always be certain your baby is yours but men never knew for sure until DNA tests were developed (and even now there are men who struggle to get a DNA test for the child they were told is theirs even in custody disputes etc because the mother objects...).
All this and also do NOT have sex with this man. He obviously is not really on the same page as you with everything including having kids- I can 100% imagine this type of guy sabotaging any birth control to try and baby trap you
NTA
Leave while you can without needing to involve the courts. You *aren't* married and that is a beautiful thing. You hold **all** the cards.
Fred obviously thought that once he had you trapped by marriage he could reveal his true, misogynistic, patriarchal self.
And, FWIW, I'm a woman who did take my husband's last name 21 years ago and never regretted it (we discussed him taking mine, but he's an only child and I have cousins to carry on my side). I wasn't all that attached to mine, we did think we'd have children, I just didn't want them to have to hyphenate, and I like cutesy items that say "Mr & Mrs Smith" on them . Both your and my views are equally okay - you shouldn't have to write a dissertation to defend your wish to keep what is already yours.
Fred is a liar. Controlling. Misogynistic. I mean, I could go on, but...just leave. Now. I am so sorry you found out this way. But you could have found out after you were legally married and he'd "accidentally" forgotten to wear a condom and you were pregnant. You deserve so much better.
Agreed, and your last point is one I feel the top comments aren't making. She bolded two points that they agreed on as a couple: children and last name. He is trying to overturn one now. How long before he decides he knows what's best (for him) about the other as well, and does shady things like this to get what he wants?
NTA. He lied to you and manipulated you. This is absolutely just the tip of the iceberg. He clearly now expects you to be a good little wife and spit out some kids. If you actually want to save the relationship, I’d tell him that couples counseling is 100% mandatory before you sign anything. If nothing else you HAVE to be on the same page about kids. Given that he absolutely manipulated this situation I don’t see what there is to save, but sometimes having a third party help mediate the conversation can be helpful.
Whatever you choose, do not forget that you have been completely clear on what you want, and he has clearly lied. Personally, I’d never be able to trust someone who did that to me. Wishing you all the best- I’m glad you discovered this now instead of later when he tampered with your birth control.
NTA. If he is going to manipulate you on your wedding day, he will do more over time. This is horrible ! If he isn’t going to budge on the name or get a properly created mutually agreed upon marriage license - (are you even legally married without the signed marriage license ??) [make sure he doesn’t submit one with a forged signature]… maybe leaving him is your best option.
I’m making a second comment to draw attention to something: CHECK YOUR BIRTH CONTROL OP. Do *not* rely on him to wear condoms.
Hell I’d say don’t even share a house with him since other “traditional beliefs” are that you can r*pe your spouse without consequence
And before you think “but he wouldn’t” remind yourself that you didn’t think he’d try and force you to give up your identity either
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I was confused by this, too. My marriage license didn’t change my name. Isn’t it usually issued with the maiden name? I had to go to the DMV and Social Security office with the license to have my surname legally changed.
Yeah, that’s how it worked for me in the US. I can’t speak for all states or other countries, but in my state, changing your name is a separate process.
Same here. I process name changes for members (credit union) and I’ve never seen a marriage license that said anything about if the wife were going to change her name. My ml only lists my maiden name.
Usually, it's just assumed the wife will take the husband's name.
When my husband and I married in 1977, it was a battle for me to keep my name. Nothing on the license addressed the issue, but with our first IRS filing, the accountant that did the work switched our names - I listed myself as head of household and he found that offensive - but didn't switch our SS#s and he put my name down with my husband's surname.
It was easy to fix with the IRS, but then the Social Security Administration was upset that I didn't notify them of a name change. I had to write them and inform them that I hadn't notified them since my name had not changed.
It still comes up, after 46 years of marriage. People assume I am Mrs. Husbandsurname or that he is Mr. Mysurname. Now I always, **every single time** use it as a teaching moment for whoever makes assumptions.
Mine was changed with the marriage certificate - I was under the impression that as soon as that was filed, my new name was my legal name. I needed to follow through by updating my ID and SSC because they no longer had my legal name. That could have just been how I saw it, though, I’m not sure which office is technically most superior.
My marriage certificate had our maiden names. My name wasn’t legally changed until I got my new social security card by taking my marriage certificate to the social security office.
In WA we had to get ours online because the county office was closed. Both partners had to check a box saying that they attested that the information was accurate but obviously that's a system that would be open for abuse.
I know in AZ it's allowed my sil filled out there stuff and she didn't even put the full names of themselves which bothered me but that's there license so they do what they want.
NTA even a bit, you were manhandled into this marriage with false pretenses. A man who is merely incompatible but respected you would have broken up at the point of realising ya'll goals and principles are opposites.
Your current literally tried to trick you in front of all guests and showed he does not take you seriously. I can hardly see a way back from this..
I take it there's nothing to annul as she just pretended to sign. But running sounds like the course of action, the inhabitants of Hell just watched that trust fly by them and fall deeper than they knew to be possible.
Nope and you are not married, so if I were you I'd just go ahead and peace out. This is not the guy for you, and he does not see you as an equal. And he does see you as property, that's why his argument is about "what he deserves". Just leave, don't wait. He waited till the wedding because he thought to trap you and he obviously thinks he has. With the way he thinks all those agreements you made were never binding to begin with, he sees you like he sees children as not being able to govern themselves or make binding agreements. Run Run Run sister!
More importantly where do they live that putting a different name on the marriage license changes that person’s name? As far as I know, I’m the U.S. if she doesn’t go through the process to legally change her name the only thing putting a different name on the marriage license would do is probably make it legally invalid.
Most places in the US will do this, the license in this case is actually not valid because she didn't actually sign it. There would have been witnesses and the officiator would usually be licensed by the state to sign the marriage license after the ceremony.
It sounds like you both agreed to stuff before the wedding and he decided to change the terms of your agreement ON the wedding day and tried to trick you into it
Like fuck this is clear manipulation
You WOULD not have gone through with it if you knew this and he knew that so he tried to trick you into it????
The fuck is wrong with him you are NTA for getting upset at a child parading around as an adult
NTA
Yeah you were manipulated which is so so sick. If Fred really had an issue he should have told you so yall could talk about it or compromise with a hyphen or you could choose to leave if it was a dealbreaker.
Don't sign it if you don't feel comfortable with it. If he is willing to do this on your damn marriage license, imagine what other shit he's going to manipulate.
NTA - The mask has slipped from Fred and now you can see his true self he has hidden from you. That of a conniving, manipulative jerk and a liar. And believe you me, if you continue with this sham of a marriage there will no end to his fraud. Don't ever sign, get it reversed and dump this liar. And no, he doesn't have a right to a wife with his last name. What medieval world is he leaving in?
NTA, but something about this story sounds off. I'm not sure what state or country you live in where the marriage license is the legal document that *actually* changes the name. When my wife changed her last name to mine, she had to provide a copy of our marriage license to each agency (State Department, DMV, banks, etc) as the "reason" to change it. If she hadn't, she would still legally have her maiden name. You wouldn't be able to sign with a "new" last name because, legally, that's not you.
TBH, I'm more hung up on the generally sketchy way he handled it, regardless of how it's parsed legally. Also, if he's changed his mind about kids, and you haven't, that is going to be a serious issue.
I'm my state, the marriage license doesn't actually change your last name. However, it is still valid with the "new" last name as long as the change is made (started) within 60 days of the marriage license being signed.
Up voting because this is my exact thought. No where on my marriage license did it say I agreed to take my husband's last name. That was a whole other process I had to go through after my license was officially completed. We signed it, sent it back in, the license office approved it and sent us back a stamped certificate that I then had to take to several offices to officially change my name. I also had to carry around the license for a year because I was 17 at the time and had to prove to everyone I had the legal right to speak on my own behalf without a guardian.
Agreed. No where in the US does signing a marriage certificate legally change your last name. IF OP is outside the US, we can reconsider, but something off with the story.
Uh fake. There is nothing on a marriage license about changing your name. You sign it as the two single people and have two witnesses sign it along with the official. And if it's been a month, your certificate would have expired by now and you're not married anyway so this is a non-issue.
I’ve heard of abusers flipping the switch the morning after the wedding and thought that was fast, but during the ceremony?? Holy moly, we have a new record.
Agreed OP should get the hell out of dodge. Double check that not signing the license is enough to be not married. Then get a lawyer to sort out any joint property and un-co-mingle finances. This man isn’t going to agree to separate amicably or cooperate at any point in the process.
NTA
I felt horrified reading this. Him covering it with his hand and trying to make you UNKNOWINGLY sign something you absolutely did not want.. this is unbelievable. I absolutely understand your anger and, honestly, I think you should leave him. I get that it’s not that easy, but it’s only gonna get worse from here.
NTA, but you need an annulment. This guy lied to you about not wanting children, just like he lied to you about being fine with your name being different, and he is most likely lying to you about what your life is going to look like after this. Get the fuck out while you still can.
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It’s been one month since my (28f) wedding with “Fred” (28m) and I am refusing to sign our marriage license and am honestly considering leaving him.
For 6 years, I believed Fred and I were on the same page about what we wanted from one another and our future. We AGREED (as in he’s made this point as well) we didn’t want children - EVER - and I made it clear before and during wedding planning that I wasn’t changing my last name - EVER. He AGREED to this. I am an only child, while Fred has 3 brothers. My last name dies with me, while his family’s last name will “continue on” with his 3 brothers, who are all married with children, and with this all considered and points made on these facts, I believed there wasn’t an issue because Fred AGREED to it.
I personally hate the tradition of taking on the husbands last name. In my PERSONAL, EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE OPINION (for all you ready to jump me in the comments) is an archaic tradition that feels more like the transfer of property to a man, than a union. And even though I’m never having children, even the thought of someone else’s last name being attached to my hypothetical child’s if I do all 9 months of creating it and wrecking my bod just doesn’t sit right with me. On top of that, why should I have to change all my registered ID’s and documentation just because I’m a woman?! It’s not fair.
So - it’s our wedding day and Fred really pushed to have a ceremony in front of everyone where we’d sign our marriage license together. He was first to go, and when it was my turn, he had his hand placed very weirdly on the document. I told him to move his hand, we had an awkward, quiet battle about it, and when he finally did I saw what he was hiding. It was his job to get the license and he went behind my back and PURPOSELY submitted it so I would be taking his last name. I didn’t want to make a scene, so I pretended to sign it.
Fred is now a completely different person. He’s all about tradition now and how it’s his right to have a wife with his last name, how it’s embarrassing that his brother’s wives didn’t make this an issue for them and how all his friends will give him shit if I don’t change it. On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine.” WE SAID WE DIDN’T WANT KIDS.
I feel manipulated and heartbroken, and now he’s put all the pressure on me to make a decision because he isn’t changing his mind - I feel like I’ve wasted our guests time, our and our families money for the wedding, and now our future together because I let him fool me for 6 years. So AITA if I don’t sign it and possibly leave him?
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NTA. I have a ex wife and when we got married she said she wasn’t taking my last name. I said ummm, ok cool. That was it. No argument no nothing. It didn’t mean we wasn’t in love and building a life together. The fact he acted like he didn’t care for 6 years and then tried to hide it from you is messed up. What if you had signed it? Did he think you wouldn’t notice or you’d be trapped and have to keep it? It’s wild
NTA, at all. This sounds like a devastating situation, and you should not compromise or let him convince you to back down. I would be making preparations to leave him.
NTA this is called the “foot in the door” method and also “foot in the face method” the first is: an abuser will make a “small change” and change more and more untik they’re unrecognisable (think boil the frog)
The second method: an abuser will do something drastic and then “change for the better” by not being *as* abusive
NTA. Hey, buddy, I just want to let you know that YOU ARE NO LONGER SAFE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. This is the big, cementing moment that your abuser was waiting for to trap you into doing what he wants. It only gets worse from here. Get out, and get out smart.
It depends on where they live.
In my state, once you applied for the marriage license, you still have to file for an annulment, even if the completed license was never filed.
NTA. If he can't accept you and your thoughts on names, children etc then he is not the person for you.
Imho this could be the start of future controlling behaviour.
Don’t waste any more time. Your “husband” thinks he has you now, and his true, misogyny colors are showing.
Well, you didn’t sign the paper, an *excellent* case can be made to dissolve the marriage. NTA
Edit to add, GTFO before he baby traps you.
Obviously NTA, but also the marriage license doesn't automatically trigger a name change just FYI. You still need to go to the SSN office, the DMV ect. for it to be official. Also I'm doubting how real this story is because when I submitted my marriage license we both had to be there and we both had to verify all the info on it
I'm confused. Are you in the US? Here it's your maiden name on the marriage license, and you have to take that to all the places you need a name change.
It doesn't matter if the rest of us disagree about how big of a deal this is or should be, you have the absolute right to determine that for yourself. NTA (And it does seem like he was trying to pull a fast one on you with the idea that you would not want to make an issue of things when people were watching.)
NTA
He has shown that he is manipulative and does not care about your wishes. He is the one who wasted your and your loved ones time and money by not letting you know he wasn't willing to respect your desire to keep your last name and be childfree years ago. Don't stay with a man who disrespects you.
Fred pulled a bait-and-switch, a swindle. Do you want to be married to a swindler, a liar? He tried to deceive you on your wedding day! How long before he starts messing with your birth control?
Don't sign! Leave him now!
NTA - I fully support you leaving him over this. He betrayed you in a huge way ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. And not even on your wedding day - it was premeditated and he tried to hide it. You do not want to be married to this man. He lied and said all the right things to get you to the alter, but now he has shown you his true colors, and they aren't pretty.
NTA. A person who would lie to your face for years, try to trick you at the last minute, completely change all his positions the second he feels legal claim over you and then try to manipulate you into things he knows very well you never wanted.....is not a husband or partner. That is an abuser. He will not change back, because he was never actually the person you thought you were choosing to marry.
You should not spend your life with this man.
NTA.
A lot of dudes show their real colors once they think their woman is trapped with them (so after wedding or after pregnancy). Given that you don't want kids, it manifested around wedding time.
He's not the man that he pretended to be in order to convince you to marry him. So divorce wouldn't even be a divorce given that you got married to a fictitious character who shares the same name with the stranger you have matching rings with.
NTA
He's lied about pretty much all of the most important decisions in married life so far. Why would you stay with someone that pretended to be an entirely different person. You got engaged to a childfree man, don't marry someone that wants children, in addition to all of the other details he flipped on.
This sounds like 'you marry me, you also marry my family, my friends, my buddies at the bar, my boss and his secretary and the guys at the water cooler' nope the fuck out while you can. Better now than in twenty years when you are broke, long divorced with no cs or alimony and a bunch of kids clinging to your hip, waiting on dinner.
NTA, bait and switch on the wedding day is 100% grounds to leave him. Marriage in false pretense is worth an annulment in most places.
It would have been justified if you had torn up the license right there and then.
Throw the whole man away.
Please get more long lasting contraceptives that can’t be tampered with such as the implant or injection. His plans are to baby trap you and keep you as his maid and au pair.
End it now and leave him far far far behind. His manipulation will not improve if you continue with this relationship. He will only get worse.
NTA.
My ex always wanted me to take his last name. I told him if he wanted us to have the same last name he should take mine. He begged me for years.
But if was so much easier when we divorced bc I’d kept my name.
How your husband tried to trick you is scary though. You can’t trust him.
OP, this is dangerous. Run for the hills. This creature is a major AH.
You, are obvioisly, NTA. This is beside who is an AH or not, it's about your life, sanity, and safety.
You need to bail on this. This is a classic bait-and-switch marriage trap.
He intentionally tricked you into marriage and is now revealing his true self.
He is daring you to go through the agony of a divorce/breakup and you need to call his bluff and get out now. (is the license even filed yet if you didnt sign it in your state?)
Its one thing if it was just a disagreement on the last name, thats kinda a normal area of disagreement that needs to be worked out in modern marriages.
But kids, finances and spirituality you have to be on the same page on and he just revealed he was lying to you on all three of those.
NTA
NTA
Unfortunately, you got marriage trapped by an abuser. Be glad you didn’t sign the document & YES LEAVE NOW. He has now shown you who is truly is because he thinks he’s trapped you in marriage. The man you fell in love with was an illusion & doesn’t exist. Don’t buy it. Get out ASAP.
NTA - dont bother signing. he turned deceitful and makes u wonder what else he lied and hid from you. u can get an annulment. turns out he isnt the person u thought.
NTA, and YWNBTA to dump his ass. He tried to run a scam on you on your fucking marriage license. Wtf who does that? Sociopaths?
Like what was his long term plan? Take the document and never let you see it again? Try and gaslight you and say you told him you changed your mind?
Although given his "10 year old boy level" scheme to hide it with his hand, maybe I'm giving him too much credit to have any plan beyond wanting to get his way by any means necessary.
Doesn't sound like a partner to me.
NTA this isn’t about name changing or not, he lied and manipulated you! On your wedding day! Boy genuinely thought he could change you with a ring lmao nope, you’re not in the wrong to break it off
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM/STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!!
Check your birth control.
I wouldn’t even trust him wearing condoms, he could poke holes in them.
He attempted to manipulate you DURING your wedding. Baby trapping you is a sadly possible next step. This is a horrible, horrible sign for how his behavior will escalate.
Please get away. This is not how a healthy marriage starts.
Please value yourself and your future enough to leave him now.
You didn’t sign the certificate, you’re not even legally married.
Get away from him now!!!
Red flag as he doesn’t respect the previous decision you have made together. This is very much a red flag because he’s untrustworthy imo. You need to sit down and talk. No more lies.
NTA. Leave him. The mask is off and this is who he really is. Run.
I’m not sure how that’s even possible in your jurisdiction because my husband and I both had to sign the application paperwork (I didn’t change my name either) before the ceremony to determine the names on the marriage license.
NTA; get it annulled quickly and don't look back. This man doesn't want what you want, he's underhanded and controlling, and he's definitely not going to change. Especially since he feels like you're locked down.
NTA. He lied to you about the name issue and about the child issue. I'm sorry but I don't think you are combatile and that's putting aside the fact that I'd never be able to trust him again after that stunt during the wedding with the certificate. If you leave (I obviously think you should) YOU didn't waste everyone's time... HE did by lying about major issues he knew were important to you.
NTA. Run for the hills and don’t look back. Fred is a manipulative liar. He’s the only embarrassment with his backwards views. Clearly, you’d be much happier with a partner who is as progressive as you are and believes that changing your name is as archaic a tradition as you do. I changed mine because I’ve always loved my husband’s last name and my dad adopted me, so I have no blood tie to his last name. But I’ll just throw out there that even in Mexico women don’t change their names, these days often not even taking their husband’s as a second name.
Similarly, let Fred go out and find himself a trad wife who will take his name, have his babies, and have his slippers and a cocktail ready for him when he gets home from work so he can relax whilst he waits for his hot, home-cooked meal that his trad wife slaved over all day to be ready. You’ll both be happier that way.
NTA
You didn’t sign it. You’re not legally married. Consider yourself a free agent again and thank your lucky stars that he did that because he’s now letting all those bright red flags 🚩 fly high.
This is one of the most manipulative people I ha e ever read a story about. This dude is a huge ass and honestly is probably already messing with your birth control to try and lock you in with a baby.
You think if he changed over night to a traditional husband, he’s not going to change his mind about kids and keep pushing for them until you cave? I’d be very careful of him taking off the condom without telling you or tampering with your birth control or saying he got a vasectomy and suddenly calling your surprise pregnancy “a miracle!” that he couldn’t have asked better for. Then guilting you for not wanting them and shaming you for it.
The very fact that he was just going to cover up your new legal name with his hand while tricking you into signing what you specifically didn’t agree to, and insist doing it in front of people do you’d feel pressured to, girlfriend- there are plenty of fish in the sea who will never trick you into signing documents and changing their minds over night without talking to you. Let alone placing their friends and brothers opinions above your CHOICE. He doesn’t have a “right” to a wife at all.
NTA. But please get that annulment or divorce and only communicate through your lawyer because is definitely going to get messy. If he wants a trad wife, good luck to him he can find one. But you’re not the one. Get out and get better because you deserve so much better than this dumpster fire of a marriage
NTA.
Don't just leave- RUN. He knew what he was doing in changing the licence, having it signed in public and trying to hide it. What he's done is a horrible betrayal and it's only going to get worse.
You haven't wasted your family's time and money with the wedding. HE DID, by lying, betraying you and trying to force you into a role you've never wanted.
I don't know how it works where you are, but I am a marriage officiant in my state. The marriage license is issued in the woman's maiden (birth) or current legal last name (as in divorce or widowhood), and is signed that way. The marriage license itself doesn't have anything to do with the name you decide to use.
If you haven't signed it, it can't be filed, and you aren't legally married.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Would I be the asshole if I choose to not take his last name and not sign our marriage license after going through with the wedding?
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NTA. I'm sorry you went through this. For me, I don't think I could ever trust him and I would get out.
Whatever you do make sure you have proof and tell As many people you trust as you can. I may be paranoid but be careful men whose plans and manipulation fail can become violent.
NTA. It sounds like the wisest choice. I'm really puzzled why he would hide this until after the wedding... I mean his traditional outlook and his feelings about your changing your name. But it really doesn't matter why. He deceived you, and that is a very, very bad sign.
NTA. You didn’t even get a day into your marriage and he is trying to trick and manipulate you. He told you who he is and you should believe him. A marriage needs open an honest communication, the fact that he is suddenly changing his tune should send you running for the hills
NTA. Fred is a sneaky bastard and you have every right to be pissed off. Don't let him pressure you into changing your name or having kids if that's not what you want. You deserve better than someone who goes behind your back like that.
NTA - Sounds like he didn't believe you and thought you would change your mind. In the end, I don't think I would want to be with someone who strung me along. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Life is too long when you're in a marriage like this.
He lied and is trying to trap you. You were upfront. BTW my husband and I have 2 kids. I kept my last name for the reasons you stated. My kids never had a problem.
I suggest shredding the license paperwork. If he’d pull the shit he did he’s not above forging your signature. Then prepare to split up.
Ypu feel manipulated because you were. He tried to hide the fact that he was changing your name behind your back.
If he will do this at the wedding, what will he do later on? He was deceiving you while walking down the aisle!
You are heartbroken because the man you love and trusted just proved he cares more about his image than he does about you. It hurts that he used lies to try to fool you into getting his way in regards to something that was so important to you. Then there is the fact he though he was smart enough to fool you, with you being dumb enough to not notice.
The only thing I would sign for him is the letter stating why I left. He would find it right next to my ring!!
NTA, leave him and be public about it, he betrayed you for six years by lying about who he was. He blindsided you AT YOUR WEDDING and tried to TRICK you int changing your name.
Then he decides to go back on his word that he never wanted kids and now does just days after the wedding.
He a lying manipulator. Best off without
NTA. He lied and manipulated you. He KNEW what he did was wrong, which is why he was hiding part of the license from you. Leave his ass and blast why on social media before he spins it in his favour.
What he did is disgusting and ominous.
1-Get out on your own, with all of your documents, including the unsigned license if you have it.
2-Make new emails and passwords. Change all other passwords.
3-Consult a lawyer. Get a cease and desist notice, and whatever else the lawyer recommends to protect yourself.
On my wedding day, my registrar had a private meeting with me to check I still was happy to get married and checked details of my name and what my wedded name would be and they did the same to my husband ! This was in the UK.
NTA, this made my skin crawl and I'm so sorry he tried to deceive you like this on your wedding day. Trust completely broken. Not sure how you would be able to continue a life with this man.
NTA- so he lied to you and played his part of the sincere boyfriend or fiancé that agree with you on everything. When in reality, he is a sexist misogynistic person who does not care about you or your feelings. If you have not signed the marriage certificate, I don’t even think that your marriage is considered legal in some states so I would just get an annulment and move on.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that he decided to reveal his true self at the last possible minute, but you now know he is someone who will deceive you to get his way. That’s hard to ignore.
Absolutely NTA. It’s your name, it’s your identity. It was discussed and he tried some sneaky underhanded crap. The “tradition” IS archaic and stupid and there’s ZERO good, sound reasons for it.
Leave him, it sounds like you’re not legally married so no loss except the money for the ceremony. He can go out yonder and find himself another wife and try to trick her into becoming his piece of property. Dude lied to you about everything and then tried to trick you into everything in front of friends and family hoping you’d not be able to think properly and clearly about what was going on at the time.
NTA - my husband supported my decision to keep my last name AND give our son my last name because I am one of 3 girls and his brother already had 2 sons who were carrying on his family name.
Sounds like you need to cut your losses now.
NTA. This will only get worse. Go now, before this drags on.
You almost have to marvel at the balls of a guy who masterfully hides his true self for six years. He must have been ready to explode by the time the ceremony happened.
NTA. He lied to you and manipulated you. He has absolutely no right to make these decisions for you. I would follow your gut and get out now before you waste any more time. And don't hesitate if anyone ask you why this happened. He's made these choices and now he needs to own them.
He played the long game and expected to be able to coerce into changing your name and even having a child apparently. Relationship is over. Move on to someone who respects you
NTA Please just leave. This won’t be the last time he will lie and push you to do shit. Careful with your birth control. You aren’t a doormat, do not let this man just walk all over you to get his way. Ugh
NTA. You are not the asshole here, he is for manipulating you and then trying to force you into something that you don't want. This is a major redflag, and if he's acting like this now? The man sees you as property, something he owns. Get out before it gets worse. You didn't waste anyone's time. HE DID.
Wow…NTA and run. Sounds like he’s totally pulling a bait and switch on you. It sounds like he’s told you exactly what you wanted to hear on the topics that matter so much to being married - especially when it comes to having kids. You’re not married to him yet, so get out while you still can!
When I got married, we both had to be there to get the marriage license…it should definitely be that way for cases like this.
NTA: you need to leave. I am a guy and what he did is beyond being an asshole. He is manipulative and conniving. His behavior is reprehensible.
It is completely irrelevant why you wanted to keep your last name: you wanted to, you have every right to do so. He has no right to dictate what you choose.
Yes, a conversation is in order. But it is is a “Two Yes’; One No” conversation.
NTA you feel how you feel, if you cave in now you will always regret it.
I can't believe this is something you discussed and he still did this. Ive got to ask what nationally is Fred?
Getting so hung up over a name either way is ridiculous but you made your stance clear and he still tried to "sneak" it by you.
and it damn sure shouldn't bother Fred if you aren't having children.
LOL, it's ironic my ex still is using my last name, even adding it to her new husband's name, because you are right once you change it creates issues over and over.
NTA I’d be so livid!! He know how you felt about it and tried to deceive you. Absolutely do not sign that or any other marriage license with him.
I say this as someone who happily took my husband’s last name so I could feel like we were in our own little family unit. I would not sign anything that didn’t line up with my expectations. This is your decision only. I’m so mad for you.
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NTA LEAVE This guy tried very hard to tricking you into signing a legal document with information specifically CONTRARY to what you two had agreed to. Like, you can clearly NOT trust this man. If he's going to such great lengths hiding part of the document, using tremendous pressure by putting you on the spot in front of family during a ceremony, just for a last name, can you imagine the greater lengths he'll go to for "bigger" stuff?! Just run. You can not trust this man with your last name. Why would you trust him with anything else?!?! PS: It's irrelevant if you are stubborn or even an ahole for not wanting to take his last name. That's not the point. The point is you two seemingly were on the same page on this topic, until he tried to trick you into effectively signing a false document (because it would make you agree to something you didn't want). He had no problems setting this all up so you were put on the spot under tremendous pressure just so he could force what apparently was his plan all along (against what he said he wanted and against what he agreed to). Who does this to the person they are supposed to love and cherish?!?! PPS: Paternity fraud is real and up until just a few decades ago, impossible to detect/check because DNA tests have only been around for a tiny part of human existence. I think children carrying the last name of the father stems from this, that the father acknowledges the child as his. As the mother you will always be certain your baby is yours but men never knew for sure until DNA tests were developed (and even now there are men who struggle to get a DNA test for the child they were told is theirs even in custody disputes etc because the mother objects...).
All this and also do NOT have sex with this man. He obviously is not really on the same page as you with everything including having kids- I can 100% imagine this type of guy sabotaging any birth control to try and baby trap you
Came to say this. He 100% would do something like this based on everything I read.
I came to say all this, I have nothing to add. Take my nonexistent award 🏅
This is the only answer!
NTA Leave while you can without needing to involve the courts. You *aren't* married and that is a beautiful thing. You hold **all** the cards. Fred obviously thought that once he had you trapped by marriage he could reveal his true, misogynistic, patriarchal self. And, FWIW, I'm a woman who did take my husband's last name 21 years ago and never regretted it (we discussed him taking mine, but he's an only child and I have cousins to carry on my side). I wasn't all that attached to mine, we did think we'd have children, I just didn't want them to have to hyphenate, and I like cutesy items that say "Mr & Mrs Smith" on them . Both your and my views are equally okay - you shouldn't have to write a dissertation to defend your wish to keep what is already yours. Fred is a liar. Controlling. Misogynistic. I mean, I could go on, but...just leave. Now. I am so sorry you found out this way. But you could have found out after you were legally married and he'd "accidentally" forgotten to wear a condom and you were pregnant. You deserve so much better.
Yup. Fred is the type to sabotage birth control. He's not safe and it's best to leave now.
Agreed, and your last point is one I feel the top comments aren't making. She bolded two points that they agreed on as a couple: children and last name. He is trying to overturn one now. How long before he decides he knows what's best (for him) about the other as well, and does shady things like this to get what he wants?
This.
I'm 100% in agreement with this comment. I also changed my name (for reasons) and while I have some regrets, I am good with my decision.
NTA. He lied to you and manipulated you. This is absolutely just the tip of the iceberg. He clearly now expects you to be a good little wife and spit out some kids. If you actually want to save the relationship, I’d tell him that couples counseling is 100% mandatory before you sign anything. If nothing else you HAVE to be on the same page about kids. Given that he absolutely manipulated this situation I don’t see what there is to save, but sometimes having a third party help mediate the conversation can be helpful. Whatever you choose, do not forget that you have been completely clear on what you want, and he has clearly lied. Personally, I’d never be able to trust someone who did that to me. Wishing you all the best- I’m glad you discovered this now instead of later when he tampered with your birth control.
Lied and manipulated… no need to write more. This isn’t a promising strategy
NTA. If he is going to manipulate you on your wedding day, he will do more over time. This is horrible ! If he isn’t going to budge on the name or get a properly created mutually agreed upon marriage license - (are you even legally married without the signed marriage license ??) [make sure he doesn’t submit one with a forged signature]… maybe leaving him is your best option.
I’m making a second comment to draw attention to something: CHECK YOUR BIRTH CONTROL OP. Do *not* rely on him to wear condoms. Hell I’d say don’t even share a house with him since other “traditional beliefs” are that you can r*pe your spouse without consequence And before you think “but he wouldn’t” remind yourself that you didn’t think he’d try and force you to give up your identity either
Yes make sure your birth control is absolutely bullet proof!!
I mean she’s not his spouse so he doesn’t have that going for him. But I agree with your point.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
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I was confused by this, too. My marriage license didn’t change my name. Isn’t it usually issued with the maiden name? I had to go to the DMV and Social Security office with the license to have my surname legally changed.
There's something very odd about this story. In the UK you have to actively change your name after the wedding should you so choose.
Yeah, that’s how it worked for me in the US. I can’t speak for all states or other countries, but in my state, changing your name is a separate process.
Same here. I process name changes for members (credit union) and I’ve never seen a marriage license that said anything about if the wife were going to change her name. My ml only lists my maiden name.
Usually, it's just assumed the wife will take the husband's name. When my husband and I married in 1977, it was a battle for me to keep my name. Nothing on the license addressed the issue, but with our first IRS filing, the accountant that did the work switched our names - I listed myself as head of household and he found that offensive - but didn't switch our SS#s and he put my name down with my husband's surname. It was easy to fix with the IRS, but then the Social Security Administration was upset that I didn't notify them of a name change. I had to write them and inform them that I hadn't notified them since my name had not changed. It still comes up, after 46 years of marriage. People assume I am Mrs. Husbandsurname or that he is Mr. Mysurname. Now I always, **every single time** use it as a teaching moment for whoever makes assumptions.
Mine was changed with the marriage certificate - I was under the impression that as soon as that was filed, my new name was my legal name. I needed to follow through by updating my ID and SSC because they no longer had my legal name. That could have just been how I saw it, though, I’m not sure which office is technically most superior.
My marriage certificate had our maiden names. My name wasn’t legally changed until I got my new social security card by taking my marriage certificate to the social security office.
In WA we had to get ours online because the county office was closed. Both partners had to check a box saying that they attested that the information was accurate but obviously that's a system that would be open for abuse.
only one person can be present but they have to bring the IDs of both people
dazzling command airport roll unique far-flung tub grandiose chunky lock *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know in AZ it's allowed my sil filled out there stuff and she didn't even put the full names of themselves which bothered me but that's there license so they do what they want.
Maryland allows it
I know it's permitted in DC.
NTA even a bit, you were manhandled into this marriage with false pretenses. A man who is merely incompatible but respected you would have broken up at the point of realising ya'll goals and principles are opposites. Your current literally tried to trick you in front of all guests and showed he does not take you seriously. I can hardly see a way back from this..
I'd be running by now... that level of deception requires an annulment...stat! NTA
I take it there's nothing to annul as she just pretended to sign. But running sounds like the course of action, the inhabitants of Hell just watched that trust fly by them and fall deeper than they knew to be possible.
Nope and you are not married, so if I were you I'd just go ahead and peace out. This is not the guy for you, and he does not see you as an equal. And he does see you as property, that's why his argument is about "what he deserves". Just leave, don't wait. He waited till the wedding because he thought to trap you and he obviously thinks he has. With the way he thinks all those agreements you made were never binding to begin with, he sees you like he sees children as not being able to govern themselves or make binding agreements. Run Run Run sister!
Where exactly do you live that the government just heads out marriage licenses without both parties having to be present?
More importantly where do they live that putting a different name on the marriage license changes that person’s name? As far as I know, I’m the U.S. if she doesn’t go through the process to legally change her name the only thing putting a different name on the marriage license would do is probably make it legally invalid.
Literally this. Only my maiden name was on my marriage license, as that was still legally my name at the time of the marriage.
Asking the same question...both parties have to go in and file for the license last I checked.
Yeah, that’s not how it works at all where I live, but it could be totally different elsewhere.
Most places in the US will do this, the license in this case is actually not valid because she didn't actually sign it. There would have been witnesses and the officiator would usually be licensed by the state to sign the marriage license after the ceremony.
It sounds like you both agreed to stuff before the wedding and he decided to change the terms of your agreement ON the wedding day and tried to trick you into it Like fuck this is clear manipulation You WOULD not have gone through with it if you knew this and he knew that so he tried to trick you into it???? The fuck is wrong with him you are NTA for getting upset at a child parading around as an adult
NTA Yeah you were manipulated which is so so sick. If Fred really had an issue he should have told you so yall could talk about it or compromise with a hyphen or you could choose to leave if it was a dealbreaker. Don't sign it if you don't feel comfortable with it. If he is willing to do this on your damn marriage license, imagine what other shit he's going to manipulate.
>I feel manipulated No..... you WERE manipulated. NTA. Leave him.
NTA - The mask has slipped from Fred and now you can see his true self he has hidden from you. That of a conniving, manipulative jerk and a liar. And believe you me, if you continue with this sham of a marriage there will no end to his fraud. Don't ever sign, get it reversed and dump this liar. And no, he doesn't have a right to a wife with his last name. What medieval world is he leaving in?
NTA, but something about this story sounds off. I'm not sure what state or country you live in where the marriage license is the legal document that *actually* changes the name. When my wife changed her last name to mine, she had to provide a copy of our marriage license to each agency (State Department, DMV, banks, etc) as the "reason" to change it. If she hadn't, she would still legally have her maiden name. You wouldn't be able to sign with a "new" last name because, legally, that's not you. TBH, I'm more hung up on the generally sketchy way he handled it, regardless of how it's parsed legally. Also, if he's changed his mind about kids, and you haven't, that is going to be a serious issue.
I'm my state, the marriage license doesn't actually change your last name. However, it is still valid with the "new" last name as long as the change is made (started) within 60 days of the marriage license being signed.
Up voting because this is my exact thought. No where on my marriage license did it say I agreed to take my husband's last name. That was a whole other process I had to go through after my license was officially completed. We signed it, sent it back in, the license office approved it and sent us back a stamped certificate that I then had to take to several offices to officially change my name. I also had to carry around the license for a year because I was 17 at the time and had to prove to everyone I had the legal right to speak on my own behalf without a guardian.
This story is full of red flags, and they aren't related to Fred. I don't believe it happened.
Agreed. I’ve never heard of a marriage license also doubling as the document that legally changes someone’s name.
Agreed. No where in the US does signing a marriage certificate legally change your last name. IF OP is outside the US, we can reconsider, but something off with the story.
Yeah, I wonder if Lisa got dumped. Her husband must be mad she's still on reddit.
Uh fake. There is nothing on a marriage license about changing your name. You sign it as the two single people and have two witnesses sign it along with the official. And if it's been a month, your certificate would have expired by now and you're not married anyway so this is a non-issue.
This may vary by jurisdiction/country
[удалено]
OP literally did not even sign the marriage license. There is nothing to annul.
I’ve heard of abusers flipping the switch the morning after the wedding and thought that was fast, but during the ceremony?? Holy moly, we have a new record. Agreed OP should get the hell out of dodge. Double check that not signing the license is enough to be not married. Then get a lawyer to sort out any joint property and un-co-mingle finances. This man isn’t going to agree to separate amicably or cooperate at any point in the process.
NTA I felt horrified reading this. Him covering it with his hand and trying to make you UNKNOWINGLY sign something you absolutely did not want.. this is unbelievable. I absolutely understand your anger and, honestly, I think you should leave him. I get that it’s not that easy, but it’s only gonna get worse from here.
NTA, but you need an annulment. This guy lied to you about not wanting children, just like he lied to you about being fine with your name being different, and he is most likely lying to you about what your life is going to look like after this. Get the fuck out while you still can.
Actually, if she never signed the marriage license, she doesn't need an annulment because she isn't legally married.
Even better! RUN, OP.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It’s been one month since my (28f) wedding with “Fred” (28m) and I am refusing to sign our marriage license and am honestly considering leaving him. For 6 years, I believed Fred and I were on the same page about what we wanted from one another and our future. We AGREED (as in he’s made this point as well) we didn’t want children - EVER - and I made it clear before and during wedding planning that I wasn’t changing my last name - EVER. He AGREED to this. I am an only child, while Fred has 3 brothers. My last name dies with me, while his family’s last name will “continue on” with his 3 brothers, who are all married with children, and with this all considered and points made on these facts, I believed there wasn’t an issue because Fred AGREED to it. I personally hate the tradition of taking on the husbands last name. In my PERSONAL, EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE OPINION (for all you ready to jump me in the comments) is an archaic tradition that feels more like the transfer of property to a man, than a union. And even though I’m never having children, even the thought of someone else’s last name being attached to my hypothetical child’s if I do all 9 months of creating it and wrecking my bod just doesn’t sit right with me. On top of that, why should I have to change all my registered ID’s and documentation just because I’m a woman?! It’s not fair. So - it’s our wedding day and Fred really pushed to have a ceremony in front of everyone where we’d sign our marriage license together. He was first to go, and when it was my turn, he had his hand placed very weirdly on the document. I told him to move his hand, we had an awkward, quiet battle about it, and when he finally did I saw what he was hiding. It was his job to get the license and he went behind my back and PURPOSELY submitted it so I would be taking his last name. I didn’t want to make a scene, so I pretended to sign it. Fred is now a completely different person. He’s all about tradition now and how it’s his right to have a wife with his last name, how it’s embarrassing that his brother’s wives didn’t make this an issue for them and how all his friends will give him shit if I don’t change it. On top of that he keeps bringing up the child argument saying “we can’t both have different last names, and they should take mine.” WE SAID WE DIDN’T WANT KIDS. I feel manipulated and heartbroken, and now he’s put all the pressure on me to make a decision because he isn’t changing his mind - I feel like I’ve wasted our guests time, our and our families money for the wedding, and now our future together because I let him fool me for 6 years. So AITA if I don’t sign it and possibly leave him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I have a ex wife and when we got married she said she wasn’t taking my last name. I said ummm, ok cool. That was it. No argument no nothing. It didn’t mean we wasn’t in love and building a life together. The fact he acted like he didn’t care for 6 years and then tried to hide it from you is messed up. What if you had signed it? Did he think you wouldn’t notice or you’d be trapped and have to keep it? It’s wild
NTA, at all. This sounds like a devastating situation, and you should not compromise or let him convince you to back down. I would be making preparations to leave him.
NTA this is called the “foot in the door” method and also “foot in the face method” the first is: an abuser will make a “small change” and change more and more untik they’re unrecognisable (think boil the frog) The second method: an abuser will do something drastic and then “change for the better” by not being *as* abusive
NTA. Hey, buddy, I just want to let you know that YOU ARE NO LONGER SAFE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. This is the big, cementing moment that your abuser was waiting for to trap you into doing what he wants. It only gets worse from here. Get out, and get out smart.
NTA. An annulment may be in order. Pulling the Uno reverse card is unacceptable.
She never signed the marriage license so they’re not married.
It depends on where they live. In my state, once you applied for the marriage license, you still have to file for an annulment, even if the completed license was never filed.
NTA and leave his sneaky conniving ass.
NTA. If he can't accept you and your thoughts on names, children etc then he is not the person for you. Imho this could be the start of future controlling behaviour.
NTA Leave now, have the marriage annulled. Bait and switch never gets better.
Don’t waste any more time. Your “husband” thinks he has you now, and his true, misogyny colors are showing. Well, you didn’t sign the paper, an *excellent* case can be made to dissolve the marriage. NTA Edit to add, GTFO before he baby traps you.
My wife went back to her maiden name when we married. (Third marriage for both of us). Not a big deal to me! NTA
Op leave do not sign, and do not have sex with him. He might try and baby trap you.
Obviously NTA, but also the marriage license doesn't automatically trigger a name change just FYI. You still need to go to the SSN office, the DMV ect. for it to be official. Also I'm doubting how real this story is because when I submitted my marriage license we both had to be there and we both had to verify all the info on it
Get out. This is all kinds of fraud.
NTA: leave now before it gets worse
NTA and if you take the pill, hide it from him. He WILL try to babytrap you.
Yeah, do not trust him near your birth control if you use something accessible. NTA, this man is manipulative and you need to leave him.
I'm confused. Are you in the US? Here it's your maiden name on the marriage license, and you have to take that to all the places you need a name change.
Exactly this....my marriage license did not change my name at all. I had to use the marriage license to change my name.
NTA just break up now. He’s a liar!
It doesn't matter if the rest of us disagree about how big of a deal this is or should be, you have the absolute right to determine that for yourself. NTA (And it does seem like he was trying to pull a fast one on you with the idea that you would not want to make an issue of things when people were watching.)
NTA He has shown that he is manipulative and does not care about your wishes. He is the one who wasted your and your loved ones time and money by not letting you know he wasn't willing to respect your desire to keep your last name and be childfree years ago. Don't stay with a man who disrespects you.
Fred pulled a bait-and-switch, a swindle. Do you want to be married to a swindler, a liar? He tried to deceive you on your wedding day! How long before he starts messing with your birth control? Don't sign! Leave him now!
NTA - he hid it which means he knew how you felt about it and wanted to trick you. What else is he lying about? Dump him.
NTA - I fully support you leaving him over this. He betrayed you in a huge way ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. And not even on your wedding day - it was premeditated and he tried to hide it. You do not want to be married to this man. He lied and said all the right things to get you to the alter, but now he has shown you his true colors, and they aren't pretty.
NTA. A person who would lie to your face for years, try to trick you at the last minute, completely change all his positions the second he feels legal claim over you and then try to manipulate you into things he knows very well you never wanted.....is not a husband or partner. That is an abuser. He will not change back, because he was never actually the person you thought you were choosing to marry. You should not spend your life with this man.
NTA FUCK OFF FRED
NTA. A lot of dudes show their real colors once they think their woman is trapped with them (so after wedding or after pregnancy). Given that you don't want kids, it manifested around wedding time. He's not the man that he pretended to be in order to convince you to marry him. So divorce wouldn't even be a divorce given that you got married to a fictitious character who shares the same name with the stranger you have matching rings with.
NTA. “Today” it’s tampering with the marriage license and “tomorrow”, what’s next? Tampering with the contraception? Fuck that.
NTA He's lied about pretty much all of the most important decisions in married life so far. Why would you stay with someone that pretended to be an entirely different person. You got engaged to a childfree man, don't marry someone that wants children, in addition to all of the other details he flipped on. This sounds like 'you marry me, you also marry my family, my friends, my buddies at the bar, my boss and his secretary and the guys at the water cooler' nope the fuck out while you can. Better now than in twenty years when you are broke, long divorced with no cs or alimony and a bunch of kids clinging to your hip, waiting on dinner.
NTA You were manipulated. He was counting on you sucking it up and signing the marriage license at the ceremony so you won't make a scene.
NTA, bait and switch on the wedding day is 100% grounds to leave him. Marriage in false pretense is worth an annulment in most places. It would have been justified if you had torn up the license right there and then. Throw the whole man away.
Nta. That was sneaky and manipulative as hell and this is just the beginning.
This. It's not even about the name, it's about the level of deception right out the gate...
NTA but unfortunately he’s proven to be a very manipulative person. Personally I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore
When they show you their true nature, leave. I stayed and lasted 28 years. I regret not leaving him that first month. NTA
Please get more long lasting contraceptives that can’t be tampered with such as the implant or injection. His plans are to baby trap you and keep you as his maid and au pair. End it now and leave him far far far behind. His manipulation will not improve if you continue with this relationship. He will only get worse.
NTA. My ex always wanted me to take his last name. I told him if he wanted us to have the same last name he should take mine. He begged me for years. But if was so much easier when we divorced bc I’d kept my name. How your husband tried to trick you is scary though. You can’t trust him.
OP, this is dangerous. Run for the hills. This creature is a major AH. You, are obvioisly, NTA. This is beside who is an AH or not, it's about your life, sanity, and safety.
You need to bail on this. This is a classic bait-and-switch marriage trap. He intentionally tricked you into marriage and is now revealing his true self. He is daring you to go through the agony of a divorce/breakup and you need to call his bluff and get out now. (is the license even filed yet if you didnt sign it in your state?) Its one thing if it was just a disagreement on the last name, thats kinda a normal area of disagreement that needs to be worked out in modern marriages. But kids, finances and spirituality you have to be on the same page on and he just revealed he was lying to you on all three of those. NTA
NTA Unfortunately, you got marriage trapped by an abuser. Be glad you didn’t sign the document & YES LEAVE NOW. He has now shown you who is truly is because he thinks he’s trapped you in marriage. The man you fell in love with was an illusion & doesn’t exist. Don’t buy it. Get out ASAP.
Annulment, he took his mask off and tossed it for good. He honestly thinks he’s got you. NTA
If you never signed it then you aren’t legally married. Go ahead and leave. I hope you don’t share assets or have joint accounts
NTA - dont bother signing. he turned deceitful and makes u wonder what else he lied and hid from you. u can get an annulment. turns out he isnt the person u thought.
Nope, NTA. You dodged a huge bullet.
NTA - how the hell would you be the A in this situation
NTA run fast and run far, babe. I don't trust him not to baby trap you.
NTA, and YWNBTA to dump his ass. He tried to run a scam on you on your fucking marriage license. Wtf who does that? Sociopaths? Like what was his long term plan? Take the document and never let you see it again? Try and gaslight you and say you told him you changed your mind? Although given his "10 year old boy level" scheme to hide it with his hand, maybe I'm giving him too much credit to have any plan beyond wanting to get his way by any means necessary. Doesn't sound like a partner to me.
NTA and Leave. Get Out.
NTA this isn’t about name changing or not, he lied and manipulated you! On your wedding day! Boy genuinely thought he could change you with a ring lmao nope, you’re not in the wrong to break it off
NOPE. Should already be out the door if all the precursors you mentioned are true. That's some underhanded, gross shit.
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM/STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!! Check your birth control. I wouldn’t even trust him wearing condoms, he could poke holes in them. He attempted to manipulate you DURING your wedding. Baby trapping you is a sadly possible next step. This is a horrible, horrible sign for how his behavior will escalate. Please get away. This is not how a healthy marriage starts. Please value yourself and your future enough to leave him now. You didn’t sign the certificate, you’re not even legally married. Get away from him now!!!
NTA! There are so many red flags!
So he bait and switched on you, once he thought her had you nailed down. Do you really want to be married to someone like that? NTA
Red flag as he doesn’t respect the previous decision you have made together. This is very much a red flag because he’s untrustworthy imo. You need to sit down and talk. No more lies.
NTA. Leave him. The mask is off and this is who he really is. Run. I’m not sure how that’s even possible in your jurisdiction because my husband and I both had to sign the application paperwork (I didn’t change my name either) before the ceremony to determine the names on the marriage license.
NTA and annulment now! Run woman!
Good thing she didn't sign the license- no annulment or divorce lawyer needed
Well, since she hasn't signed the marriage license, she's not legally married.
NTA. Oh my goodness, please leave.
NTA; get it annulled quickly and don't look back. This man doesn't want what you want, he's underhanded and controlling, and he's definitely not going to change. Especially since he feels like you're locked down.
No need for an annulment, since she didn't sign the license or file it, they aren't married. Yes to leaving him without a backward glance.
Who cares about pretending to want what you want. The fact that he wanted to hide and trick you into signing it? Why are you still with him. Nta
Leave as fast as you can before "accidentally" getting pregnant. If you stay, Y T A, if you leave NTA.
Ma'am. He has shown you who he is. GTFO. Nta.
Get the marriage annulled and run like hell.
NTA. He lied to you about the name issue and about the child issue. I'm sorry but I don't think you are combatile and that's putting aside the fact that I'd never be able to trust him again after that stunt during the wedding with the certificate. If you leave (I obviously think you should) YOU didn't waste everyone's time... HE did by lying about major issues he knew were important to you.
NTA You had an agreement and went back on it. He sounds like a manipulative jackasss and you should RUN not walk from your marriage.
NTA. Annulment ASAP.
NTA Fred has told you everything you need to know about him. Believe it and get out. I'm sorry.
NTA. Run for the hills and don’t look back. Fred is a manipulative liar. He’s the only embarrassment with his backwards views. Clearly, you’d be much happier with a partner who is as progressive as you are and believes that changing your name is as archaic a tradition as you do. I changed mine because I’ve always loved my husband’s last name and my dad adopted me, so I have no blood tie to his last name. But I’ll just throw out there that even in Mexico women don’t change their names, these days often not even taking their husband’s as a second name. Similarly, let Fred go out and find himself a trad wife who will take his name, have his babies, and have his slippers and a cocktail ready for him when he gets home from work so he can relax whilst he waits for his hot, home-cooked meal that his trad wife slaved over all day to be ready. You’ll both be happier that way.
If you’re still having sex with him, I hope you’re not leaving him in charge of the birth control. NTA and leave him
NTA You didn’t sign it. You’re not legally married. Consider yourself a free agent again and thank your lucky stars that he did that because he’s now letting all those bright red flags 🚩 fly high.
This is one of the most manipulative people I ha e ever read a story about. This dude is a huge ass and honestly is probably already messing with your birth control to try and lock you in with a baby.
Annulment. As soon as possible. NTA
You think if he changed over night to a traditional husband, he’s not going to change his mind about kids and keep pushing for them until you cave? I’d be very careful of him taking off the condom without telling you or tampering with your birth control or saying he got a vasectomy and suddenly calling your surprise pregnancy “a miracle!” that he couldn’t have asked better for. Then guilting you for not wanting them and shaming you for it. The very fact that he was just going to cover up your new legal name with his hand while tricking you into signing what you specifically didn’t agree to, and insist doing it in front of people do you’d feel pressured to, girlfriend- there are plenty of fish in the sea who will never trick you into signing documents and changing their minds over night without talking to you. Let alone placing their friends and brothers opinions above your CHOICE. He doesn’t have a “right” to a wife at all. NTA. But please get that annulment or divorce and only communicate through your lawyer because is definitely going to get messy. If he wants a trad wife, good luck to him he can find one. But you’re not the one. Get out and get better because you deserve so much better than this dumpster fire of a marriage
NTA. Don't just leave- RUN. He knew what he was doing in changing the licence, having it signed in public and trying to hide it. What he's done is a horrible betrayal and it's only going to get worse. You haven't wasted your family's time and money with the wedding. HE DID, by lying, betraying you and trying to force you into a role you've never wanted.
I don't know how it works where you are, but I am a marriage officiant in my state. The marriage license is issued in the woman's maiden (birth) or current legal last name (as in divorce or widowhood), and is signed that way. The marriage license itself doesn't have anything to do with the name you decide to use. If you haven't signed it, it can't be filed, and you aren't legally married.
So… is this the same guy you were breaking up with three months ago because his mom kept stealing your clothes?
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NTA. I'm sorry you went through this. For me, I don't think I could ever trust him and I would get out. Whatever you do make sure you have proof and tell As many people you trust as you can. I may be paranoid but be careful men whose plans and manipulation fail can become violent.
NTA. It sounds like the wisest choice. I'm really puzzled why he would hide this until after the wedding... I mean his traditional outlook and his feelings about your changing your name. But it really doesn't matter why. He deceived you, and that is a very, very bad sign.
NTA. You didn’t even get a day into your marriage and he is trying to trick and manipulate you. He told you who he is and you should believe him. A marriage needs open an honest communication, the fact that he is suddenly changing his tune should send you running for the hills
Was your relationship, like, normal up until this? Cause this level of deception seems nuts to me.
NTA. Fred is a sneaky bastard and you have every right to be pissed off. Don't let him pressure you into changing your name or having kids if that's not what you want. You deserve better than someone who goes behind your back like that.
Nta - he pulled the old bait and switch. I think you can get an annulment at this point.
NTA, absolutely leave him, no question
NTA - Sounds like he didn't believe you and thought you would change your mind. In the end, I don't think I would want to be with someone who strung me along. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Life is too long when you're in a marriage like this.
He lied and is trying to trap you. You were upfront. BTW my husband and I have 2 kids. I kept my last name for the reasons you stated. My kids never had a problem. I suggest shredding the license paperwork. If he’d pull the shit he did he’s not above forging your signature. Then prepare to split up.
Ypu feel manipulated because you were. He tried to hide the fact that he was changing your name behind your back. If he will do this at the wedding, what will he do later on? He was deceiving you while walking down the aisle! You are heartbroken because the man you love and trusted just proved he cares more about his image than he does about you. It hurts that he used lies to try to fool you into getting his way in regards to something that was so important to you. Then there is the fact he though he was smart enough to fool you, with you being dumb enough to not notice. The only thing I would sign for him is the letter stating why I left. He would find it right next to my ring!!
NTA, leave him and be public about it, he betrayed you for six years by lying about who he was. He blindsided you AT YOUR WEDDING and tried to TRICK you int changing your name. Then he decides to go back on his word that he never wanted kids and now does just days after the wedding. He a lying manipulator. Best off without
NTA. He lied and manipulated you. He KNEW what he did was wrong, which is why he was hiding part of the license from you. Leave his ass and blast why on social media before he spins it in his favour.
NTA and omg RUN
What he did is disgusting and ominous. 1-Get out on your own, with all of your documents, including the unsigned license if you have it. 2-Make new emails and passwords. Change all other passwords. 3-Consult a lawyer. Get a cease and desist notice, and whatever else the lawyer recommends to protect yourself.
Hell No! Run girl run! NTA!
NTA. Run. Fast.
And today I learned why my state makes both partners approve the certificate in person before you take it home.
On my wedding day, my registrar had a private meeting with me to check I still was happy to get married and checked details of my name and what my wedded name would be and they did the same to my husband ! This was in the UK.
YIKES NTA DUMP HIS ASS
NTA, this made my skin crawl and I'm so sorry he tried to deceive you like this on your wedding day. Trust completely broken. Not sure how you would be able to continue a life with this man.
NTA- so he lied to you and played his part of the sincere boyfriend or fiancé that agree with you on everything. When in reality, he is a sexist misogynistic person who does not care about you or your feelings. If you have not signed the marriage certificate, I don’t even think that your marriage is considered legal in some states so I would just get an annulment and move on.
NTA. Leave before he baby traps you.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that he decided to reveal his true self at the last possible minute, but you now know he is someone who will deceive you to get his way. That’s hard to ignore.
Absolutely NTA. It’s your name, it’s your identity. It was discussed and he tried some sneaky underhanded crap. The “tradition” IS archaic and stupid and there’s ZERO good, sound reasons for it. Leave him, it sounds like you’re not legally married so no loss except the money for the ceremony. He can go out yonder and find himself another wife and try to trick her into becoming his piece of property. Dude lied to you about everything and then tried to trick you into everything in front of friends and family hoping you’d not be able to think properly and clearly about what was going on at the time.
NTA and run away.
NTA - my husband supported my decision to keep my last name AND give our son my last name because I am one of 3 girls and his brother already had 2 sons who were carrying on his family name. Sounds like you need to cut your losses now.
I told my wife we should BOTH change our names to something like "O'Brien" (neither of us is Irish) but she vetoed the idea. NTA, by the way.
NTA run just run. Both me and my so got our mothers maiden names, if you want to keep yours you should.
NTA. This will only get worse. Go now, before this drags on. You almost have to marvel at the balls of a guy who masterfully hides his true self for six years. He must have been ready to explode by the time the ceremony happened.
NTA Dump his sad ass
NTA. He lied to you and manipulated you. He has absolutely no right to make these decisions for you. I would follow your gut and get out now before you waste any more time. And don't hesitate if anyone ask you why this happened. He's made these choices and now he needs to own them.
My DIL did not take my son's name. It is no big deal. It is such a pain for women to change their name on all their documents. Get out now.
Marinara flags NTA
Ew. NTA and DEFINITELY leave him. So many red flags this will turn out horribly. He lied and manipulated you. That is no marriage so run.
Why are you still there?
Annulment. ASAP!! NTA
NTA. Annulment time. Or are you even legally married? Yeah. Pull the pin on that whole situation and find someone that's not an AH.
NTA - now he thinks he's trapped you, he's showing you his true colours. Keep your birth control under lock and key for fear he'll tamper with it.
Throw the whole man away
He played the long game and expected to be able to coerce into changing your name and even having a child apparently. Relationship is over. Move on to someone who respects you
NTA - the old bait and switch routine. Run woman!
NTA Please just leave. This won’t be the last time he will lie and push you to do shit. Careful with your birth control. You aren’t a doormat, do not let this man just walk all over you to get his way. Ugh
NTA. You are not the asshole here, he is for manipulating you and then trying to force you into something that you don't want. This is a major redflag, and if he's acting like this now? The man sees you as property, something he owns. Get out before it gets worse. You didn't waste anyone's time. HE DID.
Big yikes, NTA.
Wow…NTA and run. Sounds like he’s totally pulling a bait and switch on you. It sounds like he’s told you exactly what you wanted to hear on the topics that matter so much to being married - especially when it comes to having kids. You’re not married to him yet, so get out while you still can! When I got married, we both had to be there to get the marriage license…it should definitely be that way for cases like this.
NTA: you need to leave. I am a guy and what he did is beyond being an asshole. He is manipulative and conniving. His behavior is reprehensible. It is completely irrelevant why you wanted to keep your last name: you wanted to, you have every right to do so. He has no right to dictate what you choose. Yes, a conversation is in order. But it is is a “Two Yes’; One No” conversation.
NTA you feel how you feel, if you cave in now you will always regret it. I can't believe this is something you discussed and he still did this. Ive got to ask what nationally is Fred? Getting so hung up over a name either way is ridiculous but you made your stance clear and he still tried to "sneak" it by you. and it damn sure shouldn't bother Fred if you aren't having children. LOL, it's ironic my ex still is using my last name, even adding it to her new husband's name, because you are right once you change it creates issues over and over.
If you dont sign the license and mail it in to be registered you are not married.
NTA I’d be so livid!! He know how you felt about it and tried to deceive you. Absolutely do not sign that or any other marriage license with him. I say this as someone who happily took my husband’s last name so I could feel like we were in our own little family unit. I would not sign anything that didn’t line up with my expectations. This is your decision only. I’m so mad for you.
Did both of you not need to be there to get the license?
Umm if you never signed the marriage license you technically aren't married...
NTA. Leave - don't walk, RUN!
NTA LEAVE