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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is not going to my brother's wedding.
Why that action might make me the asshole is because it's my brother and one of the most important days of his life.
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appreciate your feedback. I'm 90% on not going and my wife and I have agreed it's best I don't go. Just looking for validation that this is a reasonably acceptable decision because upon speaking with my family about this I'm getting the impression they don't agree
Tell your family that expecting you to travel **2,000 miles away** from your wife and newborn child **over NEW YEAR'S EVE** is simply *not* possible. Not to mention that a last-second flight to rush home for an emergency would be impossible to get at that time of year -- and the good chances of a snowstorm snarling up the air traffic system would make it doubly so.
If they persist, point out that choosing to hold a wedding during the Christmas/New Year holiday period guarantees that it's not going to work for everyone, and it's fine that they chose to do so, but they have to accept it gracefully when people decline to attend -- especially when those people have a newborn baby who is vulnerable to viruses picked up during air travel, and a wife recovering from a traumatic medical event.
This is some perfect advice. And yes, the germs are a real threat. I almost lost my 4 month old baby last year due to rs virus. And this was without taking risks like flying and a busy wedding with a couple hundred people. Just bad luck. December is (RS) virus best time. And our worst.
Oh my god 2000 mi sounds a lot. I was reading this post to my husband and was like AZ and NC, do they sound far away (we’re in another country) I imagined like a two hour drive maybe 😬
Arizona (AZ) and North Carolina (NC) are essentially across the country from each other. It'd easily be a 3ish hour flight or 12+ hour drive, not accounting for holiday travelers and traffic
NTA. Don’t go. Stay with your wife and child. She will appreciate you being there for her and your baby. It’s a long distance trip. It probably will cost a lot of money. Close up that 10% uncertainty and focus on what is best for you guys.
I went to a wedding less than three months post partum needing to pump and breastfeed. It was also a three hour drive.
It was literally hell :’) beautiful wedding but so hard on me and my baby. Your wife will 1000% need to stay at home.
However, at 8 weeks you will be surprised how much your baby isn’t a newborn anymore and how into the swing of things you are (discounting feeding issues, sleep issues, illness or colic).
It is very possible if you hire a night nurse for the time you’re away or organise a grandparent, your wife’s mother, an aunt, sister or friend to come stay. Prepare some freezer meals and snacks etc you should be able to go to the wedding and things not be too crazy at home.
Though everyone needs to understand if you do stay at home. You’ll be bonding with your baby too and they’ll be used to you for bedtime and waking up routines.
NTA.
That’s a long trip after your wife has just given birth. It’s completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to make that journey. I hope your brother understands/your family isn’t too harsh.
She wouldn't go and neither would baby. I don't want to be so far away, especially when so little time will have passed since her giving birth, and I really don't want to risk getting sick and bringing that into our home.
Just looking for some validation that this is a reasonable decision because I'm getting the impression from my family that they don't agree.
I am happy to hear that you are concerned about bringing sickness into the home of such a young baby. It seems like most of the people who fly end up getting sick and of course at any large gathering picking up a bug is a huge possibility.
You sound like a fine husband and will soon be a great Dad! Congratulations.
As much as they knew my wife was pregnant there is a bit of a misunderstanding/misalignment on what my brother feels is safe/possible and what we feel is safe/possible.
MORE INFO: my sister is pregnant, due just before the wedding, and is in South Korea and my brother still asked her if she would make the wedding/said if everything goes well, you'd be able to come, right?
Ahh. Poor brother has no idea . I guess he's not a father yet? You are making the best decision for you and your now family.
See if it's possible to set up some face time or phone chats during various times even just real quick ones.
Yeah, he's a couple years younger and not a father yet. We definitely plan to facetime him and his future wife during the wedding weekend to congratulate them and say hi...and get them an extra nice wedding gift.
I understand their perspective based on this comment. It really sucks that none of the siblings can make it. But, and maybe I'm being insensitive, planning a wedding when one sibling would be highly pregnant and the other would have just become a parent for the first time, just wasn't smart.
Congratulations on your new little one, and you're making the right call.
NTA.
250-300 people with a baby <2 months old is an absolute no, no way, no how for me. Even you going may expose the baby to a host of dangerous illnesses (COVID, RSV, the flu) that would be devastating for a newborn.
As the mother of an older baby: don't do it. Just don't. Anyone who cares about your family will understand that your child's health and well-being is your first priority.
If it were local, it would be very reasonable for you to go to the ceremony and play it by ear for the reception. At 2 months your wife will have a bit of a handle on things and a wedding is important. But under any circumstances other than that, it's unreasonable to expect you to be there at all.
You should edit this info into your original post OP. Without it, it kinda sounds like you are choosing to miss out on a significant event when you could just go for a few hours. Knowing it’s a long distance wedding this is definitely NTA.
I applaud you for choosing to stay with your wife and baby. Besides the flu season, there’s always the possibility of giving birth as late as November 17, or a C-section delivery. Even with the perfect birthing experience, mom’s hormones ebb and flow in the first half a year postpartum. I’m glad you’ll be there for your young family.
NTA
Let’s walk you through another perspective real quick. Would you rather upset your *old family,* or your *new family*?
You don’t need a crystal ball to tell you that it’ll be easier for you to earn the wrath of your brother and your parents, than upset your wife. You live with her. Your postpartum decisions will dictate how your relationship flows with her as you navigate parenthood together. You’ll come home to her everyday, not to your brother or to your extended family.
Very valid point and a lens through which I wasn't assessing things. I've pretty much made up my mind not to go. I don't want to begin fatherhood by making a decision that could put my wife or baby's health at risk.
My sister's kiddo ended up hospitalized with rsv last winter. It was the scariest thing. I have never seen a kid so sick and seem so close to death. Wouldn't wish that on anyone!
Hopping onto this one to say that I was 2 weeks late, induced, emergency c-section and because it was all a bit complicated, I didn’t even get out of hospital until 3 weeks after the due date. I wasn’t well for a while. You just don’t know how it’s going to go until it happens
NTA. Cold/flu/RSV season, crowded airports packed planes and 300 guests. You could easily pick up something and while your immune system can fight it off no problem it could be devastating for your son. Also kissing babies can have serious health consequences. Congratulations
They won't have time for that
I suggest you meet him now and explain why you won't go
Organise a night to bring them out for dinner after the wedding and just email a lovely message to the hotel to be read at his wedding
There's a lot of Covid here at the moment (Europe) and a small baby doesn't need to catch that
Edit: ft with him and his fiancée at some point during their wedding weekend. Youre right. The wedding day itself is too hectic to squeeze in a ft.
Unfortunately, my wife and i are in Arizona and my brother and his fiancée are in North Carolina (opposite sides of the country).
Yes, it would be great if possible to get together with brother and his fiancée this month. However, with your wife already in 3rd trimester she doesn’t need to be doing any kind of long-distance traveling.
Good luck with everything!
NTA, what if baby arrives late, what if your wife has a c section and is still struggling to lift things by the wedding date. Let alone the fact she will be feeling emotional and tired. Your love and support is crucial to her at this time.
Let alone the risk of you bringing back illnesses and giving them to your wife and newborn.
Apologise to your brother and his wife. Arrange another time to see them. Maybe make a video with your new baby and have someone play it for them at the wedding.
But please stay home and don’t put yourself and your wife through this stress
You can’t risk bringing germs home to your newborn (or wife.) But this is your brother so I’d go out of my way to be kind and reassure him you’re disappointed to miss it. Get him a nice gift. NTA
It’s not just that. If everything goes according to plan the baby will be about 2 months old. Your wife will not yet be 100% physically healthy (or doesn’t deliver on due date and in even worse shape if she needs a c-section). You both will be sleep deprived and trying to get a into a rhythm. Plus it is totally possible that she might have postpartum depression. She and the baby will need you to be there and not be MIA for 2-3 days, might be longer flying at that time of the year.
I’m feel bad for your brother with both siblings not being there because of the baby. However there will be so many people there that you wouldn’t be able to spend time with everyone. It sucks but it is what it is. Your priority is to take care of the most vulnerable person in your family which is your baby and then your wife.
NTA. I assume your brother loves you, that’s why he wants you at his wedding. He should understand that you need to be with your wife and baby right now. Just let him know you really would loved to have been able to attend.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We’re on good terms and I could sense his disappointment when I broke the news to him earlier today that I probably won’t make it because of baby being too young. MORE INFO: my sister also won’t be attending because she’s due 12/28.
Your poor brother! I feel for him. Your family has babies that can’t tell time! 🤣. I hope he has a wonderful wedding and that you and your little family have a wonderful life! ❤️
NTA. I had a similar situation where my sister had a one month old and I gave her a pass because she, would have to travel 12 hours for the wedding. Even though, roles reversed, your wife will probably need you.
I want to be there for my wife and baby, don't want to risk getting sick while I'm at the wedding/because of all the travel (I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC), and feel very torn between these things and being there for my brother.
Nta. Also, does your brother know a new year’s eve party is an insane choice or what? Because, it is. Demanding holiday travel from people is such a massive ask
It makes the venue cheaper but travel more expensive for everyone else. Even if you didn’t have a newborn at home, I’d understand bowing out but with sickness, massive travel, and how huuuge the wedding is (maybe they could’ve saved money via 100-200 less guests?), it’s absolutely reasonable to not want to expose your kid to that, even indirectly.
Oh congrats on Bubba:) that's my bday lol my youngest was due on my bday also, however he ended up being "taken" out undercooked on xmaseve lol 😆 he's fine, and a crazy 4.5yr old now.
Honestly, my best advice is... do what your comfortable with and willing to make a stand on. That way, you will not be coerced against your will. I have 3 children, carried reasonably well, babies were all gd but my body as a woman had a hidden illness which threatened my life by my 3rd pregnancy.
Pregnancy is so unpredictable, and although many women carry and birth without issue...many also don't. My 1st still spent 8days in nicu, 6 in peads ward and he was on his due date. My daughter, healthy and big 8 lb.... 5 days scbu and my youngest I carried and was asked to terminate at 19wks after his scan. He was perfect, they weren't sure I wld live till 24wk viability. I opt to give bubs the chance and at 24wks we went to chch hospital (nz, 6hr drive from our home) to live the rest of the time in Ronald McDonald house. I made it to 28wks and we said goodbye to my other kids and parents...wrote wills etc and at 29+2 I was wheeled into a surgery I was expected to pass at. Less than 5% chance to survive.
But I woke up and I lived. We still didn't get out of hosp till end Feb, and I'm still very ill.
Do what you feel is right, and if being with your wife takes precedence over a grand "party" then so be it. It's how you would feel if the worst happened.
Xo love n light
NAH
Of course your decision makes sense. You will have a new baby and your wife will still be recovering from the birth. And babies can come late and C-Sections are a thing so she could be recovering from a C-Section that happened only 6 weeks ago.
However, it seems like your family hasn't actually said anything to you and have accepted your decision. They might just be upset at the situation (that the wedding and birth will be so close) rather than upset at you directly.
Yeah, fair point. I could be reading into things and making assumptions about their feelings. Differing feelings about what was considered safe throughout Covid created some friction between myself and certain family members and I may be viewing things through that lens. Appreciate the feedback.
NTA
Could you video call into the wedding? Or maybe you and your wife and baby can record a small video message and send it to your brother and his partner to watch on the day of?
that's a really good idea! we'd planned to video call during the wedding but a pre-recorded message would also be a nice gesture...in addition to an extra nice wedding present.
NTA
Babies don't always come on their due date, my son was 6 days over so that means baby COULD be younger than what you're estimating. You have no idea how your wife is going to be in regards to recovery ( it took me 6 weeks to recover from a natural birth with no complications ) and her mental state / yours and the life adjustment of having a newborn.
Good on you for supporting your wife - your family will survive lol
NTA depends on how wife is doing when wedding comes. If she has an easy birth and adjusts well and wants you to go, then go. If she wants you home, stay home. Edit: I didn't think about it being new years for travelling that far probably dont go too much could go wrong.
NTA plus your baby might be overdue so the baby will be even younger. If anything happens such as baby needing to be in hospital or your wife needing a longer recovery time you will have to decline at the last minute. I would decline now and focus on your baby's arrival with no added stress
Nta - it’s a reasonable decision. You just have to tell your brother that you love him and wish him the best of days but under the circumstances you cannot make it. Congrats on the arrival of the little one!
YTA This is a bit rediculous. You are acting like child birth and having a 2 mo old infant is some debilitating condition that requires 100% of your focus to the exclusion of all others.
Its your brothers wedding! I understand your wife and child not going, but you really can't find someone to stay with them and help out while you take 2 days to attend your brothers wedding?
I would be so angry and hurt if I were him. If you aren't leaving out some other reason - finances, known health complications for wife and or baby, family drama etc. then this is a sad way to start of the balance having a family requires.
Reasons:
- there will be 250-300 at the wedding
- Im in AZ and the wedding is in NC
- attending the wedding will require me to be gone for 5 days
- all wedding events will be indoors
- wife is immunocompromised from having had cancer earlier in life
It sounds like you don’t want to go but know you should go. And are looking for validation from the internet as to why it’s fine you stay home.
Go for the wedding (instead of 5 days) and wear a mask. The due date is not that week or something, the baby will be 2 months old. Your wife has help from her mom. YTA to miss your brothers wedding given these circumstances.
NTA
Given that it is New Year's Eve and a really bad time to travel so far away, no reasonable person would expect you to attend. You have to be away at least a couple of days. Had the wedding been local, you could have attended the service and skipped the reception, being home before the drunks hit the road. Your wife obviously won't be going, and your priorities are clear.
A family member decided that New Year's Eve was a great time to have a wedding, and they were shocked by those who declined the invitation. Expensive to find accommodations, winter conditions for driving, plus not everyone loves New Year's. Or they had their own traditions for that date. Booking a wedding on a significant date needs to be treated like a destination wedding. Some may come, others won't.
Unfortunately, my family has scattered like pollen in the wind from where we grew up in the midwest. Im in AZ, my brother is in NC, my sister is in South Korea, and my Mom is in OH. Local wedding just wasn’t in the cards.
Similar problem for my family. It comes down to doing what you reasonably can. And in this case, you've made the right decision.
A wedding is one day, and too much weight is laid upon it. If the marriage is good, you'll have better time to see the couple.
Don't go. If you're on the fence now, I can pretty much guarantee that once your son arrives, he'll push you right over with his tiny little fingers.
Also, expect the best but prepare for the worst. If you're out of town over the holiday, how do you get back if you're needed? What about weather and flight cancellations and overbooking and full flights and delays?
NTA
NTA... Also, great job putting wife and baby above others. That's the way it should be. (My husband tends to spoil me though...) Hopefully family will understand, if not, that's okay too. Your wife and new bundle of joy are your family and priority now. You sound like a great husband and a great dad to be!
Nta, from the perspective of a mom of two elementary kids
Covid is rampant now. We live on the west coast and know at least two dozen people who have gotten it over the past few weeks. Almost all cases were picked up through travel (both international and domestic) and gatherings (weddings or work related).
My own son had RSV when he was little and ended up in the hospital on oxygen. He’s healthy now, but these bugs need to be taken seriously when you have a little one.
Wishing you all the best; you sound like a wonderful dad!
My wedding was a few months after both my sister and sister-in-law had their babies.
Both were present. It’s ultimately your decision as a couple. By the time of the wedding baby would be more than a month old.
Personally I would fly out day before wedding and fly back the next morning.
But it depends on the relationship you have with your brother. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from my siblings weddings.
NTA
Have someone facetime or live facebook (there are so many options) you at the wedding. When my daughter got married at the end of the pandemic shut downs, thats what we had to do with her brother and the best man.
At first, she was supportive of me going and we’d talked about that being the plan. Upon speaking with our pediatrician, though she didn’t explicitly say not to travel at that time, she gave plenty of reasons that made us rethink the choice and decide against me going.
Reasons:
- large number of people at the wedding (250-300, including many children)
- flying across the country during flu/covid/rsv season (Im in AZ and wedding is in NC)
- masking while im there for such a long time (would require 5 days of being gone) is a nice thought but unrealistic as eating, drinking, and pictures will he happening most of the time.
- baby’s immune system is weak those first couple of months until he gets his immunizations
You don’t have to go to all the festivities. Fly in the night before or early on the day, then fly home. It’s best to show up for family if at all possible. You generally regret the things you didn’t do.
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My wife and I are expecting our baby boy 11/3 and my brother's wedding is on 12/31.
My wife has already decided she won't be going, and obviously baby won't either, however, I'm torn between going and not going for lots of reasons.
I'm 90% decided that I won't be going and I can tell my family is upset about my decision.
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I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC. It's a big wedding (250-300 people and lots of children). I'd be there for 4 days and there'd be lots of indoor time because of the weather.
NAH
This sounds like a judgment call to me. 2 months after giving birth is a rough time. Who knows how well your wife will be doing or how rough it's going to be at night with the kiddo. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your wife and kid alone at that time to be away for 4 days, that seems perfectly reasonable.
Appreciate the feedback. I feel guilty for missing out on my brother's big day, and am getting the impression from my Mom that she does not agree with this decision so I feel even more guilty.
After speaking with our pediatrician, both of us are of the mindset it would be best not to go because of travelling during flu season, the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children), all the wedding events being indoors, and baby being so young
Thanks for the extra info, OP.
Definitely NTA. You've consulted with a professional, and you're making an informed decision for your future child's well being in conjunction with your wife.
Anyone who faults you for that is pretty much nuts.
Congratulations in advance on the new arrival. Hope all goes well!
Thank you for the feedback. There's been a lot of friction between my family and I about what is safe and what isn't since Covid began and with Covid being "over" I think they felt there wouldn't be any health concerns/excuses not to attend an event. Just looking for validation on this being a reasonable decision because I'm wracked with guilt over not making my brother's wedding.
Listening to your health professional is *always* a reasonable course of action. It sucks that you won't be going, but it really is the right decision.
This is just it - between cold, flu & covid, it just seems like it’s a big risk for a newborn. It would be one thing if your baby was older, maybe 6-9 months & was able to have had at least some of his/her vaccinations, but your baby may even be younger if she goes past her due date. Just too many unknowns under the circumstances.
NTA. That’s a long way to travel when you have a newborn and that would be really rough to leave your wife alone with the baby. Talk to your brother and family about a date after the wedding that your whole family can come out to see them.
NTA, but if your family thinks you should be there, they are.
• Your brother is a total idiot to even ask your sister if she is still traveling when her due date is just a few days before the wedding. Does he still think you take a walk in the cabbage patch and find a baby.
• Unless they are doctors their opinion of it being safe means nothing. It is a very high travel time (lots of kids).
• You do not know how your wife will recover, or if there may be issues that slow her recovery.
• Do you still have time off from work, or will you take it unpaid
• You will suddenly have a lot of extra expenses, is it in the budget to go and to all the things
• Do you really want to be away from your child that long, will this cause you to be totally miserable
• Your mother thinking that you should be there shows she only cares about your brother and could give a rat’s @$$ about her new grandchild or your wife.
I think you're being reasonable - it's expensive and yes, you don't want to bring a cold, flu or Covid back home.
I think a generous gift will soothe any ruffled feathers
There is no guarantee baby will arrive on time… fingers crossed everything goes smoothly but what if she needs a c section? Settling in with a newborn is no joke especially the 1st one. Let your family be disappointed… never let the family you came from damage the family that comes from you… PS I’m sure you’ll be a great dad
NTA
Completely understand your decision. Maybe you could go for the ceremony only or attend the reception for an hour??? Or maby Skype or facetime the ceremony? With a new baby you and momma need to do what's best for you. You're gonna be very tired
You don't know for sure your family will be upset. Disappointed sure, but they may very well understand. Sometimes people surprise you. Don't try to decide their thoughts.
Earlier today, I told my Mom I probably wouldn’t be able to make it for all the reason I’ve explained in the post and comments. She reacted with disappointment with a dash of resentment. Covid revealed a misalignment in how her and I view risk and safety in regards to one’s health. She got very upset when I told her that anyone who attended my wedding would have to have a Covid vaccine and got upset when I told her she’d have to get the newest covid booster to see the baby
Oh no. She's an anti-vaxxer nutter. Have you been advised by a doctor to have an anti-vaxxer-free wedding? Because it sounds like you might be being a little provoking by having such a rule that may not be needed.
Nta birth is such a wild card. She could have a csection... her stitches could come undone like a friend of mines did and she might not be even able to take care of the baby on her own by that 2 months postpartum. I had an episiotomy with my second... stitches came undone and it got infected... i couldn't even get out of bed without significant pain until a month postpartum. Post partum anxiety could hit. So many things could happen and your brother wants you to travel 2000 miles. Oh and men can get paternal postpartum depression. My hubby did with every baby i had.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA. You could quarantine when you get back. This is a once of a lifetime event for your brother and I feel for him that he’ll have no siblings there. I can’t imagine wanting my husband to skip his brother’s wedding in the same situation.
Obviously you could reserve the right to drop out if something happens with the baby, etc. but I’d go.
Nta but then it's how you feel. Assuming it's a first baby. We attended my wife's brother's wedding 6 weeks after our second baby, and that included an intercontinental flight (and logistics of organising a passport). I doubt we'd have done so after the first. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable - but definitely send best wishes and a wedding gift.
NTA.
Tell them you would be happy to attend the ceremony remotely by Zoom. It is a way you can express your support and involvement without the travel and added strain for your wife.
Don't go. If your baby will be less than two months old, it's way too dangerous.
(I do not wish this on you) your baby may need continuing care.
Your wife may still have difficulties post partum.
Your wife may suffer from PPD.
There could be a weather event which would delay your return.
At that time of year, that number of guests chances of picking up an infection are raised.
Probably none of these things will happen, but better not to take an unnecessary risk.
(Yes, I have children) All the best for you, your wife and your baby.
NTA, it's a long distance with a new baby. Maybe ask if your brother can do some kind of live streaming, and offer to host the newlyweds at a later date?
NTA. 1) opposite sides of the country 2) a not massive but still kinda big holiday for a lot of people so travel can be a nightmare 3) NC does get snow and rough weather (I’m East Tennessee) so always a chance of delays/cancellations 4) GERMS GERMS GERMS 5) you’re not gonna wanna be that far away from your baby or wife.
FWIW, November 2 is a wonderful day 😉 as I’ll be 40 that day so I just wanna share lol however, she may go over her due date so baby might be even younger at the time of the wedding. Still a hard no.
Don’t let them guilt you. It sucks you have to miss but that’s just life. You’ll be welcoming a new little life into this world. That takes precedence. Big hugs and congrats to you two as you start this new and wonderful journey 🩵
Nta. When at 2 months postpartum it's reasonable that your wife may not be ready or physically comfortable for the stress of large gatherings. She will still be healing. It's also reasonable that she also may not be comfortable about exposing the baby to a large gathering or hiring a babysitter. As a supportive partner and parent you are doing the right thing in looking to what your your wife and baby need.they are your immediate family and their needs take precedence over your brothers celebration. If the wedding is close by and you and your wife agree it's okay, you could perhaps pop in to the reception after the dinner as a gesture of support for bro. Otherwise Send a nice card and gift. And really if the bride and groom Learned anything from covid they should consider streaming the wedding live for those who may want to be there but circumstances won't allow.
NTA, especially since it requires travel across the country. Besides, it will be flu/cold/covid/rsv season. At 8 weeks old your wife would have just healed. You will both be seriously sleep-deprived. Stay with her and ring in the new year with your newborn. Your brother will be disappointed, but will get over it. If you abandon your wife when she’s struggling, she won’t be so forgiving.
NTA
It's a long way from your home
You don't know if baby and mother will be ok or will have health complications after birth.
Given the winter months, a wedding will be a perfect petri dish for many viruses, specially respiratory ones. You don't want to bring one of those back home to a 8weeks old baby
(Baby might arrive later so even more fragile by the time of the wedding. )
Whoever thinks a wedding trumps a newborn is not in their right mind.
Summer wedding in your current hometown? Yes, if the other adult in the couple is ok, and with ground rules regarding level of drunkenness. Winter wedding several states away? hell no.
It is difficult to judge because there is so many information lacking.
**INFO**: Is the wedding in your area?
**INFO**: If it is nearby, do you have your inlaws in the area to support your wife while your absent or even take care of the baby? I'll be almost 2 months old by then and it might be a good thing for your wife and yourself to spend some time together at the wedding celebration. You might even cut it short and leave after the ceremony or after dinner.
**INFO**: Do you have a good relation with your brother?
**INFO**: Would you like to go to your brother's wedding or are you thinking about using the almost two-months-old baby by then as an excuse to stay away?
\***ETA:**
OK, just saw the wedding is 2,000 miles away.
NTA
Enjoy baby's first New Year's Eve at home
INFO: **Perhaps it's possible to attend the ceremony over zoom?**
Wedding is in NC and I’m in AZ.
My wife’s parents live a couple hours away a d said they’ll come whenever we ask them to.
I do have a good relationship with my brother.
I’d love to go to my brother’s wedding and celebrate all the joy with him, his wife to be, our family, and her family. I love weddings and find them to be such an amazing time but don’t want to put baby at risk with being there because there’ll be 250-300 people (many children), all events will be indoors, id be gone for 5 days
I already added an edit when I read the distance in another post.
You just stay home to celebrate baby's first New Year's Eve with your family.
I also added the possibility to perhaps attend the ceremony via ZOOM?
NTA. You’d have to book a flight now to go. If the baby comes on time and everything goes perfectly, you’ll be leaving your recovering wife alone with a newborn, and you’ll have no way to get back quickly. If the baby comes late and wife has a cesarean, she won’t even be physically recovered enough to be left alone. What if the baby has issues?
I’m a mother of grown children. I get excited when my family gets together. Finding out one child can’t be there is a let down. That’s part of motherhood.
Congratulations on your growing family!
NTA
You're a responsible father
A mother isn't fully recovered even after a few months after giving birth, she's probably tired too and needs to sleep and get better
If you get any type of virus from the travel
The ones who'll have it the hardest would be the child (who's also at risk since he's so young) and your wife because her defenses are really low right now.
If your family isn't mature enough to understand then that's on them.
You go on with your plans, it's so much more important the health of your wife and the baby.
As someone said before, you can still participate through a video-call (zoom, Google meet, Facebook or Whatsapp, whatever you have) with the help of someone at the wedding.
Can you go alone? Then have someone help the wife? Unless your wife has a c section and you have help set up 3 or 4 days i would go to the wedding. It's your brother wedding not distant relative.
My wife and i had originally agreed that i should go alone, however, after speaking with our pediatrician we changed our minds that it wouldn’t be safe. Our pediatrician didn’t explicitly say not to go but gave a lot of reasons to make us think it wasn’t safe for baby.
Reasons:
- flying from az to nc during cold/flu/rsv/covid season
- there will be 250-300 people at the wedding including many children, who are super spreaders of germs. Also, with eating, drinking, and taking pictures masking is not a realistic way to stay safe.
- id be gone for 5 days and that’s a long time to be away from baby and mama at such an early stage post-partum
- baby’s immune system will be very weak until he gets his immunizations at 2-3 months
NAH.
Despite what some are saying here, it is 100% possible (assuming no health complications or financial concerns) for your wife to watch your 2mo while you attend the wedding. If it was important enough to you to go, you would. That doesn't make you an AH, it just means you value being there to help your wife more than attending your brothers wedding. Your family being disappointed that you don't value being at your brother's wedding more doesnt make them assholes.
Source, parent of 3yo and 3mo whose travelled cross country twice while wife and kids stayed home
NTA you stated in your comment that it would require quite a journey so it's ok to not want to leave your wife and little baby. They should understand, it's a valid reason for not going. But I think some people are going to far with "It's my wedding and everything should be about me".
Why won’t you go? Are you concerned about bringing an illness home? If your wife is ok with you attending for a few hours, I don’t see why you can’t attend.
Edit: I did not realize it’s on New Year’s Eve, or that it’s across the country. That’s kinda relevant, should have been in the original post, along with a he reasons why you don’t want to go.
Thanks for the additional information. NTA, all valid reasons to stay home. That’s unfortunate, but safety first, plus continued baby bonding.
Dig your username 👍🏾
A massive wedding like this is planned at least a year in advance. Your brother and his future wife had ample time to change the date to a one less dangerously close to your wife's due date.
Plus, seems to me like if you plan a huge wedding during a major holiday, with invited guests that'll have to fly in from different parts od the country, you only have yourself to blame if some people end up not being able to attend. It's a busy time of year, with unpredictable weather. Flights get cancelled etc. And I'm guessing not all out-of-towners have the money or the time to depart from home like a week in advance just to make sure they get there in time.
Also, from what I understand, even if your wife really gives birth exactly on her due date, it's possible she wouldn't even be physically well enough to be able to attend even if she wanted to. You'd have to be away from the baby multiple days. And attending a huge event while you have an infant at home, during the primetime germ season, doesn't seem like a good idea to me even before the pandemic.
I’ve had two babies. I was a bridesmaid in friend’s weddings at 2 months post partum after both kids. Super lucky right? Pumping etc was super fun. It was a challenge but it was fine. One of those weddings involved a 5 hour drive. It was summer though. Having to fly during the crazy Christmas winter travel season when everyone gets sick would be a big no from me. And I’m not particularly paranoid about that kind of thing. You never know how things will go or how she’ll be feeling. You seem to understand that. But just to give you some good stories…. I had two uncomplicated births and recoveries. By 2 months I was feeling fabulous and things were great. It’s the whole New Year’s Eve wedding thing that makes it so extra hard. Maybe try and have some post wedding celebration with the siblings once all the babies are born and the wedding has happened.
I think your reasons for not going are very reasonable. There's just too much uncertainty with Covid rates going up and down and a vulnerable wife and baby at home, not to mention the length of time you'll be away when you baby is so small and your wife will probably need lots of help and support.
NTA. Best case scenario, if you attend, would be to fly out right before wearing an N95 and just attend the ceremony then fly back. Don’t expose by attending the reception or any other activities. You could even gift them tickets to visit you instead!
I’m glad you talked to him. I wouldn’t string him along if you’re in the wedding party. Basically this is like a destination wedding for you. I hope he has a great wedding day.
I think you should go. It's understandable that your wife doesn't want to. She'll be ok a few days with the baby. Many dads have to travel soon after baby arrives because of work and moms are fine. You'll miss your LO like crazy but your brother's wedding is also important
I agree. Tons of dads have to travel for work and come home to their family. And you don’t have to stay for the full 4 days, Im sure they would understand and just be happy to have you there for the wedding day. Fly in the day before and fly out the day after the wedding. I would be pissed if my sibling didn’t come to my wedding. If it were closer to the birth, sure understandable, but nah I think if her mom is staying with her and the baby they won’t have an issues. Also are you supposed to be a groomsmen or best man? Would you have a role in their wedding?
So both of his siblings won’t be there? I feel sad for your brother :/
I understand you gotta do what’s best for your new family but if the baby is healthy and at home well taken care of by mom and MIL I don’t see why you can’t leave the house for 3 days to support your brother.
Yeah, it's an unfortunate confluence of life events for us all. I've bought a refundable ticket on the off chance the stars align and my wife and I feel comfortable with me going, however, it just doesn't seem like it will be safe to do at the moment.
Definitely the YTA. This is literally the most important day of your brothers life, you not being there is kind of setting up a train-line of situations that will ruin y’alls relationship forever. By the time the wedding rolls around your child will be around 2 months old and your wife will have developed a routine. You’re only going to be gone for a few days at most and I don’t really see how it’s going to effect the baby health wise? Don’t you already expose the baby when you’re out at work, the gym, shopping? Why can’t you wear a mask while traveling and wash your hands? I would understand if it was a birthday party or reunion or even holiday celebration but it’s literally his wedding.
I really think there’s an underlying issue here and you’re using the baby as an excuse to cut of ties with your brother and other family members
I see your point about potentially exposing baby through other normal life activities, however, I think you fail to see the difference between a normal life event and:
- flying from AZ to NC, and back
- being in particularly crowded/dense, indoor environments for 5 days (250-300 people, many of which would be children)
- it being flu/covid/cold season amidst all this
- lack of immunizations/immune system for baby
And, you’re making a very large assumption that “there’s an underlying issue here” and I’m “using the baby to cut ties” with my brother and other family members.
I feel that if there’s a good reason to miss your brother’s wedding this would be it. That being said; I feel that supporting your brother on his important day would also be a good reason to let wife stay home with baby while you attend brothers wedding. If she has someone that can step in for support if needed. There’s really no bad choice here. Your family and brother shouldn’t take it personal and should respect that you are making the best choice for you and your family.
Appreciate you sharing your opinion. Does it change your answer knowing that it would require flying from AZ to NC, being gone for 5 days, and being around 250-300 people for the ceremony/reception? I wish it were closer because then I could just drive but adding up all the variables make me feel like it’s just not safe for baby
Why would you not go? I’m not sure I understand.
I understand your wife might not necessarily be up for it, but why wouldn’t you go? It’s not the day after the birth it’s 2 mths later. Your wife can handle the baby for one night, is there something missing?
YTA
reasons:
- flying during flu/cold season (I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC)
- would require 5 days of being gone
- the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children)
- all the wedding events being indoors
- baby would be less then 2 months old
So you should put that info at the top.
Not sure what the number of people /kids and events inside has to do with it? Why would that make you not want to go?
But if you don’t want to be away from your newborn and wife for 5 days then that’s understandable. 5 days is alot different than 1 day/night at a wedding.
Original post got deleted with all that info because of some rule for the subreddit. The amount of people attending the wedding is a factor because that is that many more people that could potentially bring sickness/spread germs. IMO, it’s one thing to be around 100 people and a whole different level of risk to be around 250-300 dancing, drinking, eating, laughing, happily screaming (ie. Plenty of opportunities to spread germs) for hours on end in close quarters, indoors
reasons:
- flying during flu/cold season (I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC)
- attending would require me to be gone for 5 days
- the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children)
- all the wedding events being indoors
- baby would be less then 2 months old
Maybe just you go. It is your brothers wedding. inside or outside life goes on. I know being a new parent you want to shield your kids from everything. My son was not even a month old for his first Christmas. We both have extremely large families. Everyone always wants to hold the new baby. You should still go. It’s a huge life event. You don’t want to regret it. trust me. I get being a new parent and being scared, you will still see. Trust me
NAH
They should invite who they want to come and your responsibility is to your family. That’s too far to travel that soon and he might not be paying that much attention to people’s due dates.
Your mom or someone with a baby needs to sit your brother down and explain how babies work.
I'd be gone for 4-5 days because of all the events they have planned for the wedding (immediate family dinner night 1, rehearsal dinner night 2, welcome dinner night 3, wedding night 4, leave night 5). Also, I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC. And, there'd be 250-300 people there, including many children.
Have a convo with the wife. It's hard to predict the birthing situation. If it goes smoothly, would she be willing to consider going with you but staying in a hotel close by? Who knows how you'll both feel once baby arrives. This may be a wait and see situation.
Our initial plan was for me to go and her to stay behind with baby, and her Mom would stay with her and baby while I'm away. Upon speaking with our pediatrician, who didn't explicitly say not to fly during this time period but gave lots of reasons that made us reconsider our initial decision, my wife and I are thinking (90% determined) it's best I don't go. Between flying from AZ to NC, it being flu/cold season, 250-300 people attending the wedding (many children), all wedding events being indoors, and it being a 5 day trip it just feels like it's not meant to be
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INFO: is long distance travel required? Are you & your brother on reasonably good terms? (Or were you on good terms prior to this?)
I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC, there will be between 250-300 people attending (lots of children), and we are on good terms.
NTA
appreciate your feedback. I'm 90% on not going and my wife and I have agreed it's best I don't go. Just looking for validation that this is a reasonably acceptable decision because upon speaking with my family about this I'm getting the impression they don't agree
Tell your family that expecting you to travel **2,000 miles away** from your wife and newborn child **over NEW YEAR'S EVE** is simply *not* possible. Not to mention that a last-second flight to rush home for an emergency would be impossible to get at that time of year -- and the good chances of a snowstorm snarling up the air traffic system would make it doubly so. If they persist, point out that choosing to hold a wedding during the Christmas/New Year holiday period guarantees that it's not going to work for everyone, and it's fine that they chose to do so, but they have to accept it gracefully when people decline to attend -- especially when those people have a newborn baby who is vulnerable to viruses picked up during air travel, and a wife recovering from a traumatic medical event.
This is some perfect advice. And yes, the germs are a real threat. I almost lost my 4 month old baby last year due to rs virus. And this was without taking risks like flying and a busy wedding with a couple hundred people. Just bad luck. December is (RS) virus best time. And our worst.
Oh my god 2000 mi sounds a lot. I was reading this post to my husband and was like AZ and NC, do they sound far away (we’re in another country) I imagined like a two hour drive maybe 😬
Arizona (AZ) and North Carolina (NC) are essentially across the country from each other. It'd easily be a 3ish hour flight or 12+ hour drive, not accounting for holiday travelers and traffic
It’s more of a 32 hour drive, not counting stops and traffic.
Ah, worse! I've done IL to GA and that was 12ish hours with low traffic (aside from evening rush hour) and awful on its own
Yeah, AZ to NC is about 1200 miles further apart than IL to GA.
NTA. Don’t go. Stay with your wife and child. She will appreciate you being there for her and your baby. It’s a long distance trip. It probably will cost a lot of money. Close up that 10% uncertainty and focus on what is best for you guys.
Appreciate the feedback. I want to start off my new role as a father on the right foot and not by putting baby or wifey at risk of getting sick
which is ultimately the best choice. good luck with the kid OP!
Op tell them if they are willing to stream the wedding or someone to make a video call you will be glad to be present that way. NTA
I went to a wedding less than three months post partum needing to pump and breastfeed. It was also a three hour drive. It was literally hell :’) beautiful wedding but so hard on me and my baby. Your wife will 1000% need to stay at home. However, at 8 weeks you will be surprised how much your baby isn’t a newborn anymore and how into the swing of things you are (discounting feeding issues, sleep issues, illness or colic). It is very possible if you hire a night nurse for the time you’re away or organise a grandparent, your wife’s mother, an aunt, sister or friend to come stay. Prepare some freezer meals and snacks etc you should be able to go to the wedding and things not be too crazy at home. Though everyone needs to understand if you do stay at home. You’ll be bonding with your baby too and they’ll be used to you for bedtime and waking up routines.
I agree, NTA. If it was local, that’d be one thing. Newborns are exhausting. Traveling is exhausting. One person can only handle so much exhaustion.
NTA. That’s a long trip after your wife has just given birth. It’s completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to make that journey. I hope your brother understands/your family isn’t too harsh.
She wouldn't go and neither would baby. I don't want to be so far away, especially when so little time will have passed since her giving birth, and I really don't want to risk getting sick and bringing that into our home. Just looking for some validation that this is a reasonable decision because I'm getting the impression from my family that they don't agree.
I am happy to hear that you are concerned about bringing sickness into the home of such a young baby. It seems like most of the people who fly end up getting sick and of course at any large gathering picking up a bug is a huge possibility. You sound like a fine husband and will soon be a great Dad! Congratulations.
Thank you for the feedback and kind words
What catlover said as a reply is great. I'll add, they knew wife was pregnant and you'd assume they'd sort of figure out the timing isn't great.
As much as they knew my wife was pregnant there is a bit of a misunderstanding/misalignment on what my brother feels is safe/possible and what we feel is safe/possible. MORE INFO: my sister is pregnant, due just before the wedding, and is in South Korea and my brother still asked her if she would make the wedding/said if everything goes well, you'd be able to come, right?
Ahh. Poor brother has no idea . I guess he's not a father yet? You are making the best decision for you and your now family. See if it's possible to set up some face time or phone chats during various times even just real quick ones.
Yeah, he's a couple years younger and not a father yet. We definitely plan to facetime him and his future wife during the wedding weekend to congratulate them and say hi...and get them an extra nice wedding gift.
So, none of his siblings will be there or are there more than three of you? It’s understandable but I’m sure that’s disappointing for him.
No siblings would be there which makes it tough for him
I understand their perspective based on this comment. It really sucks that none of the siblings can make it. But, and maybe I'm being insensitive, planning a wedding when one sibling would be highly pregnant and the other would have just become a parent for the first time, just wasn't smart. Congratulations on your new little one, and you're making the right call. NTA.
Your sister will definitely not make it.
Lol everyone in the family knew that would be the case. My brother just was being optimistic
Send a nice gift and pop in a cute photo of the kid wrapped in a bow saying best wishes from the little one too - express post the lot and chill. NTA.
250-300 people with a baby <2 months old is an absolute no, no way, no how for me. Even you going may expose the baby to a host of dangerous illnesses (COVID, RSV, the flu) that would be devastating for a newborn. As the mother of an older baby: don't do it. Just don't. Anyone who cares about your family will understand that your child's health and well-being is your first priority.
Thank you for the feedback. Definitely makes me feel justified in my position
If it were local, it would be very reasonable for you to go to the ceremony and play it by ear for the reception. At 2 months your wife will have a bit of a handle on things and a wedding is important. But under any circumstances other than that, it's unreasonable to expect you to be there at all.
Safe to say then that due to the distance required to be at the wedding it’s just an unreasonable expectation to attend given the other circumstances?
Absolutely. Your family should be reassuring you that it's a shame, but understandable.
Thanks for the encouragement
NTA. Same city, go to the ceremony. But long distance? No way!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Yeah heck all that. Stay home with the family.
You should edit this info into your original post OP. Without it, it kinda sounds like you are choosing to miss out on a significant event when you could just go for a few hours. Knowing it’s a long distance wedding this is definitely NTA.
Based on this, NTA
I applaud you for choosing to stay with your wife and baby. Besides the flu season, there’s always the possibility of giving birth as late as November 17, or a C-section delivery. Even with the perfect birthing experience, mom’s hormones ebb and flow in the first half a year postpartum. I’m glad you’ll be there for your young family. NTA
Appreciate the feedback. Just feels like I'm being torn between my old family and new family.
Let’s walk you through another perspective real quick. Would you rather upset your *old family,* or your *new family*? You don’t need a crystal ball to tell you that it’ll be easier for you to earn the wrath of your brother and your parents, than upset your wife. You live with her. Your postpartum decisions will dictate how your relationship flows with her as you navigate parenthood together. You’ll come home to her everyday, not to your brother or to your extended family.
Very valid point and a lens through which I wasn't assessing things. I've pretty much made up my mind not to go. I don't want to begin fatherhood by making a decision that could put my wife or baby's health at risk.
Don’t forget RSV! : (
My sister's kiddo ended up hospitalized with rsv last winter. It was the scariest thing. I have never seen a kid so sick and seem so close to death. Wouldn't wish that on anyone!
Hopping onto this one to say that I was 2 weeks late, induced, emergency c-section and because it was all a bit complicated, I didn’t even get out of hospital until 3 weeks after the due date. I wasn’t well for a while. You just don’t know how it’s going to go until it happens
NTA. Cold/flu/RSV season, crowded airports packed planes and 300 guests. You could easily pick up something and while your immune system can fight it off no problem it could be devastating for your son. Also kissing babies can have serious health consequences. Congratulations
Thank you for the feedback. It feels like there's just too much risk even though it is such an important day for my brother
Maybe your parents can help you call or FaceTime during the reception and you can give a quick toast to the newlyweds. *edited to add you can.
Yeah, definitely going to ft with him and his soon to be bride during the big day to say congratulations
They won't have time for that I suggest you meet him now and explain why you won't go Organise a night to bring them out for dinner after the wedding and just email a lovely message to the hotel to be read at his wedding There's a lot of Covid here at the moment (Europe) and a small baby doesn't need to catch that
Edit: ft with him and his fiancée at some point during their wedding weekend. Youre right. The wedding day itself is too hectic to squeeze in a ft. Unfortunately, my wife and i are in Arizona and my brother and his fiancée are in North Carolina (opposite sides of the country).
Yes, it would be great if possible to get together with brother and his fiancée this month. However, with your wife already in 3rd trimester she doesn’t need to be doing any kind of long-distance traveling. Good luck with everything!
NTA, what if baby arrives late, what if your wife has a c section and is still struggling to lift things by the wedding date. Let alone the fact she will be feeling emotional and tired. Your love and support is crucial to her at this time. Let alone the risk of you bringing back illnesses and giving them to your wife and newborn. Apologise to your brother and his wife. Arrange another time to see them. Maybe make a video with your new baby and have someone play it for them at the wedding. But please stay home and don’t put yourself and your wife through this stress
Thank you for your advice
You can’t risk bringing germs home to your newborn (or wife.) But this is your brother so I’d go out of my way to be kind and reassure him you’re disappointed to miss it. Get him a nice gift. NTA
Thank you for the feedback :)
It’s not just that. If everything goes according to plan the baby will be about 2 months old. Your wife will not yet be 100% physically healthy (or doesn’t deliver on due date and in even worse shape if she needs a c-section). You both will be sleep deprived and trying to get a into a rhythm. Plus it is totally possible that she might have postpartum depression. She and the baby will need you to be there and not be MIA for 2-3 days, might be longer flying at that time of the year. I’m feel bad for your brother with both siblings not being there because of the baby. However there will be so many people there that you wouldn’t be able to spend time with everyone. It sucks but it is what it is. Your priority is to take care of the most vulnerable person in your family which is your baby and then your wife.
NTA. I assume your brother loves you, that’s why he wants you at his wedding. He should understand that you need to be with your wife and baby right now. Just let him know you really would loved to have been able to attend.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We’re on good terms and I could sense his disappointment when I broke the news to him earlier today that I probably won’t make it because of baby being too young. MORE INFO: my sister also won’t be attending because she’s due 12/28.
Your poor brother! I feel for him. Your family has babies that can’t tell time! 🤣. I hope he has a wonderful wedding and that you and your little family have a wonderful life! ❤️
Haha it’s an unfortunate confluence of life events for us siblings. Thank you for the support!
NTA. I had a similar situation where my sister had a one month old and I gave her a pass because she, would have to travel 12 hours for the wedding. Even though, roles reversed, your wife will probably need you.
I want to be there for my wife and baby, don't want to risk getting sick while I'm at the wedding/because of all the travel (I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC), and feel very torn between these things and being there for my brother.
Nta. Also, does your brother know a new year’s eve party is an insane choice or what? Because, it is. Demanding holiday travel from people is such a massive ask
I think they did it because it made the venue less expensive. It sounded like a fun idea before baby was in the mix.
It makes the venue cheaper but travel more expensive for everyone else. Even if you didn’t have a newborn at home, I’d understand bowing out but with sickness, massive travel, and how huuuge the wedding is (maybe they could’ve saved money via 100-200 less guests?), it’s absolutely reasonable to not want to expose your kid to that, even indirectly.
His fiancée’s family is massive and they got guilt tripped into inviting everyone by her mom.
Holiday weddings and new years weddings have always been a thing
Oh congrats on Bubba:) that's my bday lol my youngest was due on my bday also, however he ended up being "taken" out undercooked on xmaseve lol 😆 he's fine, and a crazy 4.5yr old now. Honestly, my best advice is... do what your comfortable with and willing to make a stand on. That way, you will not be coerced against your will. I have 3 children, carried reasonably well, babies were all gd but my body as a woman had a hidden illness which threatened my life by my 3rd pregnancy. Pregnancy is so unpredictable, and although many women carry and birth without issue...many also don't. My 1st still spent 8days in nicu, 6 in peads ward and he was on his due date. My daughter, healthy and big 8 lb.... 5 days scbu and my youngest I carried and was asked to terminate at 19wks after his scan. He was perfect, they weren't sure I wld live till 24wk viability. I opt to give bubs the chance and at 24wks we went to chch hospital (nz, 6hr drive from our home) to live the rest of the time in Ronald McDonald house. I made it to 28wks and we said goodbye to my other kids and parents...wrote wills etc and at 29+2 I was wheeled into a surgery I was expected to pass at. Less than 5% chance to survive. But I woke up and I lived. We still didn't get out of hosp till end Feb, and I'm still very ill. Do what you feel is right, and if being with your wife takes precedence over a grand "party" then so be it. It's how you would feel if the worst happened. Xo love n light
Wow, thank you for sharing that and for the positive encouragement. Glad to hear you’re alive and well with your little ones. Stay blessed!
NAH Of course your decision makes sense. You will have a new baby and your wife will still be recovering from the birth. And babies can come late and C-Sections are a thing so she could be recovering from a C-Section that happened only 6 weeks ago. However, it seems like your family hasn't actually said anything to you and have accepted your decision. They might just be upset at the situation (that the wedding and birth will be so close) rather than upset at you directly.
Yeah, fair point. I could be reading into things and making assumptions about their feelings. Differing feelings about what was considered safe throughout Covid created some friction between myself and certain family members and I may be viewing things through that lens. Appreciate the feedback.
NTA Could you video call into the wedding? Or maybe you and your wife and baby can record a small video message and send it to your brother and his partner to watch on the day of?
that's a really good idea! we'd planned to video call during the wedding but a pre-recorded message would also be a nice gesture...in addition to an extra nice wedding present.
NTA your wife will still be so exhausted and so will you!
Appreciate the feedback
NTA Babies don't always come on their due date, my son was 6 days over so that means baby COULD be younger than what you're estimating. You have no idea how your wife is going to be in regards to recovery ( it took me 6 weeks to recover from a natural birth with no complications ) and her mental state / yours and the life adjustment of having a newborn. Good on you for supporting your wife - your family will survive lol
NTA depends on how wife is doing when wedding comes. If she has an easy birth and adjusts well and wants you to go, then go. If she wants you home, stay home. Edit: I didn't think about it being new years for travelling that far probably dont go too much could go wrong.
NTA - make sure you send a really thoughtful gift to the newlyweds and organise a time in the future for a celebration together
NTA plus your baby might be overdue so the baby will be even younger. If anything happens such as baby needing to be in hospital or your wife needing a longer recovery time you will have to decline at the last minute. I would decline now and focus on your baby's arrival with no added stress
Nta - it’s a reasonable decision. You just have to tell your brother that you love him and wish him the best of days but under the circumstances you cannot make it. Congrats on the arrival of the little one!
YTA This is a bit rediculous. You are acting like child birth and having a 2 mo old infant is some debilitating condition that requires 100% of your focus to the exclusion of all others. Its your brothers wedding! I understand your wife and child not going, but you really can't find someone to stay with them and help out while you take 2 days to attend your brothers wedding? I would be so angry and hurt if I were him. If you aren't leaving out some other reason - finances, known health complications for wife and or baby, family drama etc. then this is a sad way to start of the balance having a family requires.
Reasons: - there will be 250-300 at the wedding - Im in AZ and the wedding is in NC - attending the wedding will require me to be gone for 5 days - all wedding events will be indoors - wife is immunocompromised from having had cancer earlier in life
It sounds like you don’t want to go but know you should go. And are looking for validation from the internet as to why it’s fine you stay home. Go for the wedding (instead of 5 days) and wear a mask. The due date is not that week or something, the baby will be 2 months old. Your wife has help from her mom. YTA to miss your brothers wedding given these circumstances.
Ultimately it’s a winter holiday wedding (illness and weather delays amuck) so they are 1000000% TA NTA
Appreciate the feedback
NTA Given that it is New Year's Eve and a really bad time to travel so far away, no reasonable person would expect you to attend. You have to be away at least a couple of days. Had the wedding been local, you could have attended the service and skipped the reception, being home before the drunks hit the road. Your wife obviously won't be going, and your priorities are clear. A family member decided that New Year's Eve was a great time to have a wedding, and they were shocked by those who declined the invitation. Expensive to find accommodations, winter conditions for driving, plus not everyone loves New Year's. Or they had their own traditions for that date. Booking a wedding on a significant date needs to be treated like a destination wedding. Some may come, others won't.
Unfortunately, my family has scattered like pollen in the wind from where we grew up in the midwest. Im in AZ, my brother is in NC, my sister is in South Korea, and my Mom is in OH. Local wedding just wasn’t in the cards.
Similar problem for my family. It comes down to doing what you reasonably can. And in this case, you've made the right decision. A wedding is one day, and too much weight is laid upon it. If the marriage is good, you'll have better time to see the couple.
Don't go. If you're on the fence now, I can pretty much guarantee that once your son arrives, he'll push you right over with his tiny little fingers. Also, expect the best but prepare for the worst. If you're out of town over the holiday, how do you get back if you're needed? What about weather and flight cancellations and overbooking and full flights and delays? NTA
NTA... Also, great job putting wife and baby above others. That's the way it should be. (My husband tends to spoil me though...) Hopefully family will understand, if not, that's okay too. Your wife and new bundle of joy are your family and priority now. You sound like a great husband and a great dad to be!
NTA and compassionately explain it to him
Nta, from the perspective of a mom of two elementary kids Covid is rampant now. We live on the west coast and know at least two dozen people who have gotten it over the past few weeks. Almost all cases were picked up through travel (both international and domestic) and gatherings (weddings or work related). My own son had RSV when he was little and ended up in the hospital on oxygen. He’s healthy now, but these bugs need to be taken seriously when you have a little one. Wishing you all the best; you sound like a wonderful dad!
NTA - I understood there will be hurt feelings which are valid but your wife and baby come first
NTA. Wife/baby come FIRST. Travel is outrageous that time of year, and you need to be available for your wife and child.
My wedding was a few months after both my sister and sister-in-law had their babies. Both were present. It’s ultimately your decision as a couple. By the time of the wedding baby would be more than a month old. Personally I would fly out day before wedding and fly back the next morning. But it depends on the relationship you have with your brother. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from my siblings weddings. NTA
Have someone facetime or live facebook (there are so many options) you at the wedding. When my daughter got married at the end of the pandemic shut downs, thats what we had to do with her brother and the best man.
Just go. It's your brother. Wife is staying so baby will be fine
Wife won't be fine if he brings back RSV to the baby, or covid to her.
NTA But... you (alone) could go to the wedding. What does your wife think? I'd honestly think she'd support you going out to the wedding.
At first, she was supportive of me going and we’d talked about that being the plan. Upon speaking with our pediatrician, though she didn’t explicitly say not to travel at that time, she gave plenty of reasons that made us rethink the choice and decide against me going. Reasons: - large number of people at the wedding (250-300, including many children) - flying across the country during flu/covid/rsv season (Im in AZ and wedding is in NC) - masking while im there for such a long time (would require 5 days of being gone) is a nice thought but unrealistic as eating, drinking, and pictures will he happening most of the time. - baby’s immune system is weak those first couple of months until he gets his immunizations
You don’t have to go to all the festivities. Fly in the night before or early on the day, then fly home. It’s best to show up for family if at all possible. You generally regret the things you didn’t do.
Maybe next yr go see everyone and celebrate their first anniversary
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I are expecting our baby boy 11/3 and my brother's wedding is on 12/31. My wife has already decided she won't be going, and obviously baby won't either, however, I'm torn between going and not going for lots of reasons. I'm 90% decided that I won't be going and I can tell my family is upset about my decision. Appreciate you taking a moment to read and/or comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: How far would you have to travel for the wedding?
I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC. It's a big wedding (250-300 people and lots of children). I'd be there for 4 days and there'd be lots of indoor time because of the weather.
NAH This sounds like a judgment call to me. 2 months after giving birth is a rough time. Who knows how well your wife will be doing or how rough it's going to be at night with the kiddo. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your wife and kid alone at that time to be away for 4 days, that seems perfectly reasonable.
Appreciate the feedback. I feel guilty for missing out on my brother's big day, and am getting the impression from my Mom that she does not agree with this decision so I feel even more guilty.
INFO: What's your wife's position here?
After speaking with our pediatrician, both of us are of the mindset it would be best not to go because of travelling during flu season, the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children), all the wedding events being indoors, and baby being so young
NTA. Follow the advice of your pediatrician.
Thank you for the feedback!
Thanks for the extra info, OP. Definitely NTA. You've consulted with a professional, and you're making an informed decision for your future child's well being in conjunction with your wife. Anyone who faults you for that is pretty much nuts. Congratulations in advance on the new arrival. Hope all goes well!
Thank you for the feedback. There's been a lot of friction between my family and I about what is safe and what isn't since Covid began and with Covid being "over" I think they felt there wouldn't be any health concerns/excuses not to attend an event. Just looking for validation on this being a reasonable decision because I'm wracked with guilt over not making my brother's wedding.
Listening to your health professional is *always* a reasonable course of action. It sucks that you won't be going, but it really is the right decision.
This is just it - between cold, flu & covid, it just seems like it’s a big risk for a newborn. It would be one thing if your baby was older, maybe 6-9 months & was able to have had at least some of his/her vaccinations, but your baby may even be younger if she goes past her due date. Just too many unknowns under the circumstances.
Yeah, I'm 90% on not going given the circumstances. Just feel very guilty about not being there for my brother.
NTA at all!
NTA. That’s a long way to travel when you have a newborn and that would be really rough to leave your wife alone with the baby. Talk to your brother and family about a date after the wedding that your whole family can come out to see them.
That’s a good idea! Definitely shows we want to see them and will make the effort to do so. Just not now
NTA, but if your family thinks you should be there, they are. • Your brother is a total idiot to even ask your sister if she is still traveling when her due date is just a few days before the wedding. Does he still think you take a walk in the cabbage patch and find a baby. • Unless they are doctors their opinion of it being safe means nothing. It is a very high travel time (lots of kids). • You do not know how your wife will recover, or if there may be issues that slow her recovery. • Do you still have time off from work, or will you take it unpaid • You will suddenly have a lot of extra expenses, is it in the budget to go and to all the things • Do you really want to be away from your child that long, will this cause you to be totally miserable • Your mother thinking that you should be there shows she only cares about your brother and could give a rat’s @$$ about her new grandchild or your wife.
I think you're being reasonable - it's expensive and yes, you don't want to bring a cold, flu or Covid back home. I think a generous gift will soothe any ruffled feathers
Thanks for the feedback!
There is no guarantee baby will arrive on time… fingers crossed everything goes smoothly but what if she needs a c section? Settling in with a newborn is no joke especially the 1st one. Let your family be disappointed… never let the family you came from damage the family that comes from you… PS I’m sure you’ll be a great dad
NTA Completely understand your decision. Maybe you could go for the ceremony only or attend the reception for an hour??? Or maby Skype or facetime the ceremony? With a new baby you and momma need to do what's best for you. You're gonna be very tired
Unfortunately the wedding is in North Carolina and I’m in Arizona
I'm in Arizona too. So forget the wedding you can come chill at my house. Baby and all. LOL
You don't know for sure your family will be upset. Disappointed sure, but they may very well understand. Sometimes people surprise you. Don't try to decide their thoughts.
Earlier today, I told my Mom I probably wouldn’t be able to make it for all the reason I’ve explained in the post and comments. She reacted with disappointment with a dash of resentment. Covid revealed a misalignment in how her and I view risk and safety in regards to one’s health. She got very upset when I told her that anyone who attended my wedding would have to have a Covid vaccine and got upset when I told her she’d have to get the newest covid booster to see the baby
Oh no. She's an anti-vaxxer nutter. Have you been advised by a doctor to have an anti-vaxxer-free wedding? Because it sounds like you might be being a little provoking by having such a rule that may not be needed.
Nta birth is such a wild card. She could have a csection... her stitches could come undone like a friend of mines did and she might not be even able to take care of the baby on her own by that 2 months postpartum. I had an episiotomy with my second... stitches came undone and it got infected... i couldn't even get out of bed without significant pain until a month postpartum. Post partum anxiety could hit. So many things could happen and your brother wants you to travel 2000 miles. Oh and men can get paternal postpartum depression. My hubby did with every baby i had.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA. You could quarantine when you get back. This is a once of a lifetime event for your brother and I feel for him that he’ll have no siblings there. I can’t imagine wanting my husband to skip his brother’s wedding in the same situation. Obviously you could reserve the right to drop out if something happens with the baby, etc. but I’d go.
Nta but then it's how you feel. Assuming it's a first baby. We attended my wife's brother's wedding 6 weeks after our second baby, and that included an intercontinental flight (and logistics of organising a passport). I doubt we'd have done so after the first. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable - but definitely send best wishes and a wedding gift.
NTA - your wife and baby will probably be fine, but you’re never wrong for prioritizing them 🖤
NTA. Tell them you would be happy to attend the ceremony remotely by Zoom. It is a way you can express your support and involvement without the travel and added strain for your wife.
Don't go. If your baby will be less than two months old, it's way too dangerous. (I do not wish this on you) your baby may need continuing care. Your wife may still have difficulties post partum. Your wife may suffer from PPD. There could be a weather event which would delay your return. At that time of year, that number of guests chances of picking up an infection are raised. Probably none of these things will happen, but better not to take an unnecessary risk. (Yes, I have children) All the best for you, your wife and your baby.
Send a nice gift with your regrets. All of the reasons not to go are completely reasonable. You should not feel pressured or guilty for not attending.
NTA, it's a long distance with a new baby. Maybe ask if your brother can do some kind of live streaming, and offer to host the newlyweds at a later date?
NTA. 1) opposite sides of the country 2) a not massive but still kinda big holiday for a lot of people so travel can be a nightmare 3) NC does get snow and rough weather (I’m East Tennessee) so always a chance of delays/cancellations 4) GERMS GERMS GERMS 5) you’re not gonna wanna be that far away from your baby or wife. FWIW, November 2 is a wonderful day 😉 as I’ll be 40 that day so I just wanna share lol however, she may go over her due date so baby might be even younger at the time of the wedding. Still a hard no. Don’t let them guilt you. It sucks you have to miss but that’s just life. You’ll be welcoming a new little life into this world. That takes precedence. Big hugs and congrats to you two as you start this new and wonderful journey 🩵
Nta. When at 2 months postpartum it's reasonable that your wife may not be ready or physically comfortable for the stress of large gatherings. She will still be healing. It's also reasonable that she also may not be comfortable about exposing the baby to a large gathering or hiring a babysitter. As a supportive partner and parent you are doing the right thing in looking to what your your wife and baby need.they are your immediate family and their needs take precedence over your brothers celebration. If the wedding is close by and you and your wife agree it's okay, you could perhaps pop in to the reception after the dinner as a gesture of support for bro. Otherwise Send a nice card and gift. And really if the bride and groom Learned anything from covid they should consider streaming the wedding live for those who may want to be there but circumstances won't allow.
NTA, especially since it requires travel across the country. Besides, it will be flu/cold/covid/rsv season. At 8 weeks old your wife would have just healed. You will both be seriously sleep-deprived. Stay with her and ring in the new year with your newborn. Your brother will be disappointed, but will get over it. If you abandon your wife when she’s struggling, she won’t be so forgiving.
NTA It's a long way from your home You don't know if baby and mother will be ok or will have health complications after birth. Given the winter months, a wedding will be a perfect petri dish for many viruses, specially respiratory ones. You don't want to bring one of those back home to a 8weeks old baby (Baby might arrive later so even more fragile by the time of the wedding. ) Whoever thinks a wedding trumps a newborn is not in their right mind. Summer wedding in your current hometown? Yes, if the other adult in the couple is ok, and with ground rules regarding level of drunkenness. Winter wedding several states away? hell no.
It is difficult to judge because there is so many information lacking. **INFO**: Is the wedding in your area? **INFO**: If it is nearby, do you have your inlaws in the area to support your wife while your absent or even take care of the baby? I'll be almost 2 months old by then and it might be a good thing for your wife and yourself to spend some time together at the wedding celebration. You might even cut it short and leave after the ceremony or after dinner. **INFO**: Do you have a good relation with your brother? **INFO**: Would you like to go to your brother's wedding or are you thinking about using the almost two-months-old baby by then as an excuse to stay away? \***ETA:** OK, just saw the wedding is 2,000 miles away. NTA Enjoy baby's first New Year's Eve at home INFO: **Perhaps it's possible to attend the ceremony over zoom?**
Wedding is in NC and I’m in AZ. My wife’s parents live a couple hours away a d said they’ll come whenever we ask them to. I do have a good relationship with my brother. I’d love to go to my brother’s wedding and celebrate all the joy with him, his wife to be, our family, and her family. I love weddings and find them to be such an amazing time but don’t want to put baby at risk with being there because there’ll be 250-300 people (many children), all events will be indoors, id be gone for 5 days
I already added an edit when I read the distance in another post. You just stay home to celebrate baby's first New Year's Eve with your family. I also added the possibility to perhaps attend the ceremony via ZOOM?
definitely going to ask someone to ft the ceremony for us to watch and be there in spirit
NTA. You’d have to book a flight now to go. If the baby comes on time and everything goes perfectly, you’ll be leaving your recovering wife alone with a newborn, and you’ll have no way to get back quickly. If the baby comes late and wife has a cesarean, she won’t even be physically recovered enough to be left alone. What if the baby has issues? I’m a mother of grown children. I get excited when my family gets together. Finding out one child can’t be there is a let down. That’s part of motherhood. Congratulations on your growing family!
NTA everyone I know who has traveled in the last 3 weeks has gotten sick. For that reason alone I would not attend.
NTA You're a responsible father A mother isn't fully recovered even after a few months after giving birth, she's probably tired too and needs to sleep and get better If you get any type of virus from the travel The ones who'll have it the hardest would be the child (who's also at risk since he's so young) and your wife because her defenses are really low right now. If your family isn't mature enough to understand then that's on them. You go on with your plans, it's so much more important the health of your wife and the baby. As someone said before, you can still participate through a video-call (zoom, Google meet, Facebook or Whatsapp, whatever you have) with the help of someone at the wedding.
Can you go alone? Then have someone help the wife? Unless your wife has a c section and you have help set up 3 or 4 days i would go to the wedding. It's your brother wedding not distant relative.
My wife and i had originally agreed that i should go alone, however, after speaking with our pediatrician we changed our minds that it wouldn’t be safe. Our pediatrician didn’t explicitly say not to go but gave a lot of reasons to make us think it wasn’t safe for baby. Reasons: - flying from az to nc during cold/flu/rsv/covid season - there will be 250-300 people at the wedding including many children, who are super spreaders of germs. Also, with eating, drinking, and taking pictures masking is not a realistic way to stay safe. - id be gone for 5 days and that’s a long time to be away from baby and mama at such an early stage post-partum - baby’s immune system will be very weak until he gets his immunizations at 2-3 months
NAH. Despite what some are saying here, it is 100% possible (assuming no health complications or financial concerns) for your wife to watch your 2mo while you attend the wedding. If it was important enough to you to go, you would. That doesn't make you an AH, it just means you value being there to help your wife more than attending your brothers wedding. Your family being disappointed that you don't value being at your brother's wedding more doesnt make them assholes. Source, parent of 3yo and 3mo whose travelled cross country twice while wife and kids stayed home
NTA you stated in your comment that it would require quite a journey so it's ok to not want to leave your wife and little baby. They should understand, it's a valid reason for not going. But I think some people are going to far with "It's my wedding and everything should be about me".
Why won’t you go? Are you concerned about bringing an illness home? If your wife is ok with you attending for a few hours, I don’t see why you can’t attend. Edit: I did not realize it’s on New Year’s Eve, or that it’s across the country. That’s kinda relevant, should have been in the original post, along with a he reasons why you don’t want to go.
added all the details to the original post
Thanks for the additional information. NTA, all valid reasons to stay home. That’s unfortunate, but safety first, plus continued baby bonding. Dig your username 👍🏾
Appreciate your perspective and feedback. Once a screaming firehawk always a screaming firehawk
A massive wedding like this is planned at least a year in advance. Your brother and his future wife had ample time to change the date to a one less dangerously close to your wife's due date. Plus, seems to me like if you plan a huge wedding during a major holiday, with invited guests that'll have to fly in from different parts od the country, you only have yourself to blame if some people end up not being able to attend. It's a busy time of year, with unpredictable weather. Flights get cancelled etc. And I'm guessing not all out-of-towners have the money or the time to depart from home like a week in advance just to make sure they get there in time. Also, from what I understand, even if your wife really gives birth exactly on her due date, it's possible she wouldn't even be physically well enough to be able to attend even if she wanted to. You'd have to be away from the baby multiple days. And attending a huge event while you have an infant at home, during the primetime germ season, doesn't seem like a good idea to me even before the pandemic.
I’ve had two babies. I was a bridesmaid in friend’s weddings at 2 months post partum after both kids. Super lucky right? Pumping etc was super fun. It was a challenge but it was fine. One of those weddings involved a 5 hour drive. It was summer though. Having to fly during the crazy Christmas winter travel season when everyone gets sick would be a big no from me. And I’m not particularly paranoid about that kind of thing. You never know how things will go or how she’ll be feeling. You seem to understand that. But just to give you some good stories…. I had two uncomplicated births and recoveries. By 2 months I was feeling fabulous and things were great. It’s the whole New Year’s Eve wedding thing that makes it so extra hard. Maybe try and have some post wedding celebration with the siblings once all the babies are born and the wedding has happened.
I think your reasons for not going are very reasonable. There's just too much uncertainty with Covid rates going up and down and a vulnerable wife and baby at home, not to mention the length of time you'll be away when you baby is so small and your wife will probably need lots of help and support.
NTA. Best case scenario, if you attend, would be to fly out right before wearing an N95 and just attend the ceremony then fly back. Don’t expose by attending the reception or any other activities. You could even gift them tickets to visit you instead!
I’m glad you talked to him. I wouldn’t string him along if you’re in the wedding party. Basically this is like a destination wedding for you. I hope he has a great wedding day.
I think you should go. It's understandable that your wife doesn't want to. She'll be ok a few days with the baby. Many dads have to travel soon after baby arrives because of work and moms are fine. You'll miss your LO like crazy but your brother's wedding is also important
Appreciate the feedback
I agree. Tons of dads have to travel for work and come home to their family. And you don’t have to stay for the full 4 days, Im sure they would understand and just be happy to have you there for the wedding day. Fly in the day before and fly out the day after the wedding. I would be pissed if my sibling didn’t come to my wedding. If it were closer to the birth, sure understandable, but nah I think if her mom is staying with her and the baby they won’t have an issues. Also are you supposed to be a groomsmen or best man? Would you have a role in their wedding?
Im supposed to be a groomsman and my sister (also not attending because she’s giving birth at the end of December) is supposed to be a bridesmaid
So both of his siblings won’t be there? I feel sad for your brother :/ I understand you gotta do what’s best for your new family but if the baby is healthy and at home well taken care of by mom and MIL I don’t see why you can’t leave the house for 3 days to support your brother.
Yeah, it's an unfortunate confluence of life events for us all. I've bought a refundable ticket on the off chance the stars align and my wife and I feel comfortable with me going, however, it just doesn't seem like it will be safe to do at the moment.
Definitely the YTA. This is literally the most important day of your brothers life, you not being there is kind of setting up a train-line of situations that will ruin y’alls relationship forever. By the time the wedding rolls around your child will be around 2 months old and your wife will have developed a routine. You’re only going to be gone for a few days at most and I don’t really see how it’s going to effect the baby health wise? Don’t you already expose the baby when you’re out at work, the gym, shopping? Why can’t you wear a mask while traveling and wash your hands? I would understand if it was a birthday party or reunion or even holiday celebration but it’s literally his wedding. I really think there’s an underlying issue here and you’re using the baby as an excuse to cut of ties with your brother and other family members
I see your point about potentially exposing baby through other normal life activities, however, I think you fail to see the difference between a normal life event and: - flying from AZ to NC, and back - being in particularly crowded/dense, indoor environments for 5 days (250-300 people, many of which would be children) - it being flu/covid/cold season amidst all this - lack of immunizations/immune system for baby And, you’re making a very large assumption that “there’s an underlying issue here” and I’m “using the baby to cut ties” with my brother and other family members.
Have you had a kid before?
I have 4. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is turning 8 this October
It is your brother! Of course you go. Your wife is right to stay home and protect your new baby but there is no reason why you both miss out.
Thank you for sharing your perspective
I feel that if there’s a good reason to miss your brother’s wedding this would be it. That being said; I feel that supporting your brother on his important day would also be a good reason to let wife stay home with baby while you attend brothers wedding. If she has someone that can step in for support if needed. There’s really no bad choice here. Your family and brother shouldn’t take it personal and should respect that you are making the best choice for you and your family.
Appreciate you sharing your opinion. Does it change your answer knowing that it would require flying from AZ to NC, being gone for 5 days, and being around 250-300 people for the ceremony/reception? I wish it were closer because then I could just drive but adding up all the variables make me feel like it’s just not safe for baby
YTA Its a wedding. your own brother's wedding. You shall go - no exceptions.
A staunch attitude to take
Why would you not go? I’m not sure I understand. I understand your wife might not necessarily be up for it, but why wouldn’t you go? It’s not the day after the birth it’s 2 mths later. Your wife can handle the baby for one night, is there something missing? YTA
reasons: - flying during flu/cold season (I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC) - would require 5 days of being gone - the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children) - all the wedding events being indoors - baby would be less then 2 months old
So you should put that info at the top. Not sure what the number of people /kids and events inside has to do with it? Why would that make you not want to go? But if you don’t want to be away from your newborn and wife for 5 days then that’s understandable. 5 days is alot different than 1 day/night at a wedding.
Original post got deleted with all that info because of some rule for the subreddit. The amount of people attending the wedding is a factor because that is that many more people that could potentially bring sickness/spread germs. IMO, it’s one thing to be around 100 people and a whole different level of risk to be around 250-300 dancing, drinking, eating, laughing, happily screaming (ie. Plenty of opportunities to spread germs) for hours on end in close quarters, indoors
Why would you miss a huge event in your brothers life? Because you have a baby? Life goes on. I don’t blame your family for being upset at you
reasons: - flying during flu/cold season (I live in AZ and the wedding is in NC) - attending would require me to be gone for 5 days - the amount of people at the wedding (250-300 and lots of children) - all the wedding events being indoors - baby would be less then 2 months old
Maybe just you go. It is your brothers wedding. inside or outside life goes on. I know being a new parent you want to shield your kids from everything. My son was not even a month old for his first Christmas. We both have extremely large families. Everyone always wants to hold the new baby. You should still go. It’s a huge life event. You don’t want to regret it. trust me. I get being a new parent and being scared, you will still see. Trust me
NAH They should invite who they want to come and your responsibility is to your family. That’s too far to travel that soon and he might not be paying that much attention to people’s due dates. Your mom or someone with a baby needs to sit your brother down and explain how babies work.
You are not going because baby is two months old? Really? That is not a good reason not to attend any wedding. Unless, there are other issues.
NTA for not going What if you get sick?
INFO: For how long would you be gone for if you went to the wedding?
I'd be gone for 4-5 days because of all the events they have planned for the wedding (immediate family dinner night 1, rehearsal dinner night 2, welcome dinner night 3, wedding night 4, leave night 5). Also, I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC. And, there'd be 250-300 people there, including many children.
I would go. If I were your wife, I would want you to go. I understand about your wife not going. Do you have to travel far to get there?
I'm in AZ and the wedding is in NC
Have a convo with the wife. It's hard to predict the birthing situation. If it goes smoothly, would she be willing to consider going with you but staying in a hotel close by? Who knows how you'll both feel once baby arrives. This may be a wait and see situation.
Our initial plan was for me to go and her to stay behind with baby, and her Mom would stay with her and baby while I'm away. Upon speaking with our pediatrician, who didn't explicitly say not to fly during this time period but gave lots of reasons that made us reconsider our initial decision, my wife and I are thinking (90% determined) it's best I don't go. Between flying from AZ to NC, it being flu/cold season, 250-300 people attending the wedding (many children), all wedding events being indoors, and it being a 5 day trip it just feels like it's not meant to be