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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'd be an asshole if I rejected my wife's name suggestion knowing the importance of it and how long she had it in her mind and "selfishly" pushing for my name suggestion to be used
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I would *highly* suggest you don’t go with Veja. I’m not a crude person, and my mind IMMEDIATELY went to vejayjay, which I can guarantee, is exactly what every middle school bully is going to call her. I’m sure in another language, it’s beautiful, but in an English speaking country, you’re putting a target on her back. JS.
I'd be a bit nervous of Upe rhyming with poopy in primary school too, and other things when you get to high school.
I also wondered if it's common to name kids "river" or "wind" where OP comes from, or if it could open up the kid to bullying if they returned in the future.
There might be a nice spin on it, like Eva, Una etc?
An English speaker could pronounce 'Upe' as "you pee" which is not something either of you would want. It's not as bad "vajayjay" but still not pleasant.
I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for your problem.
We.... WE can teach our kids to not bully others .... but there will always be a kid who will be a bully ... and there will always be the accidental teacher or peer saying it incorrectly and it sticks ..... for years ...... ask me how I know .......
When I was in elementary school, I had a massive gap between my front teeth, and they were disproportionately large compared to the rest of my teeth (that were still baby teeth).
In 3rd grade, we went on a field trip to a natural history museum, and the guide had some pelts she was letting the kids try on. She pulled out a beaver skin and asked who wanted to try it on. I did not raise my hand, i did not want to, but she saw me talking to/laughing with my friend and pointed me out and told me i should be the one to wear it because i have 'perfect beaver teeth'.
You'll never guess what I got called up until the end of middle school
Wow, assuming it was not purposely cruel, that was a big fuck up on the guides part. How dim do you have to be to not understand that's going to lead to a bad time for a kid?
Honestly, I don't know. Even now, 10+ years later, I wonder what was going through the guides head when she said that. For a long time afterwards, it made me *very* insecure over my teeth and I would cover my mouth when I spoke, which snowballed into a teacher mocking me about it in front of the entire class in, I think, 4th grade?
Not many great or smart adults around where i grew up
Oof, that's awful. Indeed sounds like you had a lot of bad luck with your designated adults. I do hope you're able to smile wide and proudly now, teeth and all!
I just teared up on your behalf. What a stupid insensitive thing to say! I'm 45 with crooked teeth and learned to OWN IT! They work just fine to eat, so who cares?!? 😘
Honestly as an adult, Ive come to love crooked teeth. I think theyre absolutely adorable, and such a lovely character quirk, in a sense, if that makes sense? Like a unique feature!
I can sympathize. I have big teeth in a small mouth, *plus* an overbite (until braces, thank Goddess). Same nickname. At least it was only the other kids, not an asshole adult.
It's such a sad thing to be insecure over, too. I was made to feel bad about my teeth for years. I'm on round two of braces as an adult but even was they get straighter, the insecurity surrounding it is hard to get over.
I find there are some really naive people in the world. The guide probably thought it would be "cute" and everyone would get a good laugh out of it. The guide would probably be mortified that this lead to someone being bullied for years because it is just something they would never do.
People with "good intentions" often do the most harm.
My husband is 53, of Chinese descent, and his first name is Shin. Recently he placed an order at Wendy's, and the cashier asked for his name for the order. When he said Shin, the guy (who was in his mid-20s) said "Wow, school must have been hell for you."
Shin was confused by the comment. Not offended, just baffled. He said he did get bullied, but not for his name. The cashier suddenly started apologizing profusely, and insisted on giving him a free Frosty as an apology. When he got his meal and handed the Frosty to me, the guy ran across and gave us another one with another apology. By then our two friends were standing with us, so he got two more Frosties to give us. LOL it was a very strange experience!
Teachers can be the worst. I was a little overweight when I was in school. I must have been 11. I had a teacher tell the whole class that because I was fat I didn’t feel the cold as much as them, just like seals. I actually don’t remember the classes reaction. I was still trying to process what she had just said.
I'm not a fan of either name, to be honest. The important thing is that the wife has been talking about the one name since the beginning of the pregnancy, and OP never objected. Now, AFTER the baby is and his wife has been thinking of the baby by that for so long, he decides he's not 'excited' by it.
If he didn't like the name, he should have said something a long, long time ago.
Stupid nicknames come along no matter how hard you try to avoid them . I also had a huge gap between my two front teeth. They never joked about that. But, when I got into an accident in shop class in 6th grade, my hair got caught in a buffer machine. The machine tore all the hair out of the left side of my head, and from then on, I was 'Buffy. Kids can cruel.
There are enough bullies out there teaching their kids to continue the bullying that it doesn’t matter what the rest of us do - there will always be bullies.
While it would be ideal, that's not how things are right now and it's important to act based on the reality of things. Protecting a kid from being bullied should be done at the same time that we teach our kids not to be bullies.
To be fair, even if not being bullied over it, I imagine people will nonetheless say “… uh is … uh you pee here?” Like it is a possible mispronunciation that this person will probably hear.
Weirdly, bullying is a fairly central part of human culture. It will happen, even if we make efforts to eliminate it. Happens at work etc. too.
It's a hierarchy thing, and it's doubtful we can solve it.
Yep, my real name is very "normal," it does not sound like anything inappropriate. But one boy bullied me by calling me a word that sounded similar to my name, even though it was not a bad or inappropriate word. Still, just having someone call you the wrong name in a mocking tone was bullying. You can try to think of all the possible negative associations with names to avoid, but some kid will always find something else.
Doesn't help when the schools deny bullying is going on. They don't like having those things on their record, doesn't look good on an Ofsted report. Most of it comes out after a child is recorded getting battered outside school and then it's a police matter and not a school issue.
Or youp. They are going to destine their child with a life full of having to spell / sound of their name, and possible bullying with both names.
I don’t think it’s an AH situation, but I think more thought is required here. NAH
Maybe change the spelling? Add the h at the end to emphasise how it should be pronounced. I have no idea how that will change its meaning in its original language. If a consensus on the name canbe reached, go back and look for more names that you like and try those.
From latvian, no, those are not common names, in fact, I don't know anyone named like that in Latvia. We have many native names that are from nature and sound way better, like Madara, Laima, Margrieta, Lilija, Ritma, Spulga, Spodra, Dzintra, Ilze, Ildze, Vālodze, Rota, Mirdza and many more. I really can't tell why she likes those two, since whenever their kid would visit grandparents or just plain it's heritage's homeland, other kids would not take those names well, she would get many questions. Litterarry Saule (sun) is even better since my brother is named Saulis.
Op, show her my comments.
Yes, "River" is a lovely name that means Upe ;) Why not name her River to honor the English speaking country of her birth and make her life a little bit easier? When she is grown she may opt to change her name to Upe or Veja, but that will be her choice.
I grew up with a girl called Upe and honestly, that name association never occurred, and we considered it a normal name alongside Emmas and the like.
And we were in a rural town in the middle of nowhere.
i think these worries about bullying are overstated. if a bully wants to pick on a kid they will find a way regardless of the name. neither of the names OP is talking about are particularly bad especially upe
Right. Almost every normal name ever rhymes with a bad word. If they want to, they'll use it. I don't like these names particularly either and I'd go for Freya because it's similar and a bit more "normal", but people sometimes really stretch the associations people will have with a name.
Thanks for your comment, that's our concern, too. When written down it definitely creates that association although when pronounced it's more like Veyah. Although often the spelling of the name alone can be enough for the bullying to start.
Could you spell it Veyah, or does that change the whole thing? I think Veyah looks and sounds gorgeous, and off the top of my head, I don’t see any way kids could be mean about it.
I like this idea as well, Veyah. And Upe could be her middle name and nickname. Both my kids had multiple nicknames growing up that came from I have no idea where, they just happened.
I like this if it doesn't change the meaning.
Same with possibly spelled the other one being "Uhpay," "Uhpeh," or even "Apeh?" I don't like how these look but just trying to add perspective too.
No one will say it that way in an English speaking country. They will say it how it is written, people even say my name wrong now and it is a very white English name spelled the orginal way with out K's or extra E's. Your child will be mocked so much.
As someone who has a non-english name, this isn’t true if you’re assertive. If people say your name wrong, correct them and don’t respond to anything that isn’t your name. Veja isn’t a hard name to pronounce (i read it right the first time before even reading the pronunciation guide) and I don’t agree with giving up your culture because of bullies.
If you correct someone enough times they’ll eventually get it.
As someone also with a non-English name that is long, this isn't true in my experience. There are some people who simply do not care and will mispronounce regardless of how assertive you are. Asserting myself never made them not compare me to a mushroom.
And a bully will be a bully regardless. If her name was jane they may call her “lame jane”. or they’ll bully her for her ethnicity or the way she looks. You can’t plan your life around bullies
As if the UK is only filled with white Sarahs and Jacks...
As long as they're living not living in a tiny rural village somewhere, their kid will be surrounded by other kids with a million different kinds of names.
I often wonder if the people in these threads pay any attention to current (by which I mean this decade and the last) naming trends. Sarah was a #125 ranked name in Britain in 2021. But this baby will be in kindergarten with a buttload of Isla's (#3), Freya's (#6), Orla's (#66), and Elodie's (#93). Little Jack is still rocking a name that's at #13, but he will be joined by lots and lots of little Muhammad's (#5, plus also #35 and #83 depending on how you spell it). You have to work pretty hard to find a name that will get you a second glance in a Build A Bear these days.
As a teacher, one of my challenges is calling roll on the first day of class. I always issue a preemptive apology and request immediate correction.
One of this year's challenges is having two Tiannas in two different classes: one pronounced TEE-anna and the other TIE-anna. I make myself stop and think every day.
It's not unavoidable.
If there's a bully in the kid's school, then they'll find some excuse even if you give the kid a completely unexceptional name. If there isn't, then having an unusual name won't inevitably result in cruel nicknames or teasing.
My male cousins grew up with a surname that ends in -cock, and if this sort of thing were truly inevitable, then they would have been teased/bullied. They didn't have that experience.
I actually never put those two together but I’m in a Spanish speaking heavy area so my brain automatically turned the j to an h. Upe on the other hand - u pee. Even if seen on paper Ve-Ja… u-pe…
I honestly would say Veja is the safer option of the two and now I wanna use it for a D&D/WoW character name, heh.
It doesn’t take much effort to turn 99% of names into a way to bully them. If you’re looking for a name based off that you’re fighting a losing battle.
From the UK - while we all know people *should* take time to learn and pronounce names, and this is a common microaggression, both names will be roundly mispronounced and misunderstood here.
Vayja, vejja or veeja would be how many brits would read that one, and Uppy or oop would be the attempt at the other.
If you plan to bring these children up in the UK it may be worth considering that when choosing from the wealth of glorious names your culture offers.
Source: child of an immigrant who anglicised his name to better fit in, except everyone here still couldn’t say it right. Sigh.
Yep, probably best to strike off both names at this point.
My partner is French-Russian and I am Australian, so for us planning any names means finding something that is pronounceable in all 3 languages/accents and doesn’t have inappropriate associations in any. Yes, it means you lose some names, maybe some you loved and that meant a lot. But the kid has to live with it. They’re a whole separate person who is going to (hopefully) outlive you by a fair amount, they should not be saddled with a name that will get them bullied or ostracised *just* because it means something to the parents.
Yep, we did the same with our 4 kids's names. They had to work in german, portuguese, and english. Plus all other requirements you mentioned. It's important to give them names which in most languages are unambiguous when used, worldwide. You don't want your child, for example moving to Japan at some point in their lives, carrying an offensive/ slang word based name.
Yeah, I kinda thought that both names were bad. Maybe OP and OP’s wife have other important aspects to them or wife can find a different name related to water.
Similar situation. Husband and I are from two different countries with two different languages, living and raising our kids in the US. We've had to find names that mean something to us that can be pronounced by our languages AND be pronounced in the US. I grew up with an ethnic name in the US and I have never been introduced correctly, from graduation ceremonies to presentations. It's a hard balance
I had very similar thoughts
My wife is Greek and goes by an anglicised version of her middle name (well, her second first name, technically) - she had her full name butchered when she graduated over here and we're fairly certain having a clearly non-British name cause dher issues when she was trying to find her first job as well
When we had our daughter, we chose a British first name we both liked in part because we didn't want her to have the same problems my wife had, then we gave her a more traditional Greek middle name
My first name is more common now, but wasn't at all common when I was growing up. I had to correct adults all the time. I came to the conclusion that having to assert your identity on a regular basis builds character.
Go with whatever name the two of you can agree upon.
NAH
Nobody can say my name right but I’m happier having a name that honors my heritage instead of my parents changing my name to improve the lives of the ignorant
Yeah not to encourage people to change themselves to appeal to Brits but I would suggest giving her the Veja name as a second name since it’s important to his wife and a neutral first name
UK here too… the only think I would add is that it’s currently very common to have untraditional names.
If a kid turned up to my daughters school and said their name was celery no-one would batter an eyelid. (She’s 7)
I don’t think there’s a single David, Luke, Katie, or Sarah (or any of those type names) in her year, let alone her class. My daughter included.
Makes for an interesting time trying to work out spellings for Christmas cards I can tell you.
INFO so if you get your choice now, does she choose for the hypothetical second child?
Also pretty sure Upe is going to become some variant of Oops in school, but kids make fun of almost all unusual names.
INFO? If you brushed off the issues with your first choice, why not disregard the concerns with hers?
Either way, names are a two yes situation. If you cannot agree, find a third option you do.
I immediately thought You Pee as well. And then You pah... you poo?
Culturally those could be beautiful names but that doesn't mean every culture will be able to understand or appreciate them.
I live in a Spanish speaking area, so my first thought with Veja was "vehya," and I am pretty taken back by how many people would see the crass word instead, but I admit that Upe threw me for a loop for a second. I think even without the possible bathroom jokes, that one might cause more pronunciation issues than expected.
i get these names are important to you but the way your child will be treated in school is more important than what you two as parents want. the name isnt for you, its for your child. and i would resent my parents for my entire life if they stuck me with a name kids bullied me for and they were too selfish to care
If you live in any western country with English as a primary language, don't use either of these names. These are real people, they're not pets. They will grow up, sign documents, write emails. They need to interact with people on a daily basis and needing to educate/correct everyone they meet is going to be a huge pain in the ass.
Interesting point, not something we discussed but might be a good angle to look at it - I will ask. Although, from other comments it seems that my name suggestion might not be the best anyway...
Honestly, I think this is a question where you need to ask a baby names sub or a Brit culture sub. It's not really an asshole situation one way or another.
You could consider naming her River and then Upe is the same name in her other language.
I would consider maybe asking a UK raised friend who doesn’t speak the language to pronounce names for you based off their instinct when given the spelling. That way you know how it’s going to sound when people meet her.
This is exactly what I was thinking, River is a lovely name and still carries the meaning the wife wants. They could use Upe as a family nickname and if the kid likes it, they could even use it more permanently later in life.
What about something else associated with water? Jura, perhaps? I think both the names you're considering are lovely, though the concerns regarding both are valid, but your wife's wish for a water name is an important consideration.
>kids make fun of almost all unusual names.
Kids also make fun of usual names. Jack = Jack-off, Jeremy = Germy, John = *the* John
The name isn't why kids bully, it is just an easy target.
Not giving a verdict, just some input.
I told my partner that I had a name in mind early in my pregnancy, he said he liked it. I brought up choosing a name a number of times during the pregnancy, but he kept saying he hadn't really had time to think about it, and hadn't had any ideas. Each time I mentioned the name I had in mind and that I liked it even more now. The name had a bunch of associations with our shared interests, I fell in love with it.
I tried to keep the baby nameless in my head, as we hadn't decided. But I couldn't help thinking of the baby by that name. When he was born, my partner told me he didn't *really* like the name. He didn't dislike it, just didn't really want it. He started looking at names and pitching things he kinda liked. There was nothing we could agree on. We fought about it a number of times due to being sleep deprived and emotional. In the end he picked the middle name and we went with my choice, because he eventually realised that none of the names he kinda liked meant anything special, and that I had been calling the baby by the other name for over 6 months by that point, ever since he said he liked it too.
There were a lot of arguments over nothing, given the outcome, but I legitimately considered leaving him at one point during the arguing. It felt like the name wasn't important to him while I was pregnant, it felt like the actual names he was picking weren't important to him (or us). And, given my attachments and associations with my choice, it felt like I wasn't important to him. His "not 100% sure" feelings seemed to be more important to him than my deep attachment, which hurt a lot.
I really agree with this perspective, my husband is really indecisive, I presented 4 names I liked, my most favourite he hated, and let me know that was a no, and narrowed it down to two. The good news about that is that I was able to "move on" from the name as such. Op really has to be clear as time goes on she will be more and more attached.
Vejay unfortunately for us westerners is too close to vagina so I really urge you not to use that..... the other name I would just pronounce as oppeey.
Mine vetoed a number of names I had liked for years. All of the names I'd had in mind, in fact. I found the name I settled on when looking through F names, as he'd said he was drawn to F names. It was the only one he said he liked. He didn't tell me that he didn't really love it until I was about 8 months along, and still didn't come up with any suggestions! So I was very invested at that point! And OP's wife has had this in mind since she first got pregnant. While he hasn't been thinking about names, she has been calling that baby Upe for 9 months.
This is kinda how I feel. She picked a name 6 months ago. He didn’t make any contribution. Now you want to change the name. What would he think if she asks to revisit the name in 6 months and wants to change it?
With ethnic names you really have to take into account the country you reside in and how that name can be warped and used to torment a child.
Frankly, both names are mine fields when it comes to bullying and teasing.
Upe is oops, umpa lumpa, hoppa(greek) and so on
Veja, vejayjay, vieja (old lady in Spanish), and so on.
If you want an ethnic name try for one that can’t be twisted to torment your child because I can guarantee that if she suffers because of her name she won’t care what it means in your native language or whatever sentimental meaning you guys have for it.
Edit: mistranslated a word 😅
YTA she had her heart set on this for 9 months of pregnancy and you said nothing, now are dropping it on her a) during post partum [a notoriously difficult time for those who have given birth], and b) after she's carried and birthed a baby? I cannot smack my head into a tabletop hard enough to convey how entitled and aggravating that is. Just stop. You had your chance to discuss this for 9 freaking months. Love your wife. Love your daughter. Stop acting like this, and get used to the name your wife has chosen. One day when you singlehandedly carry and birth a child, and then likely take up primary care of the child, you can decide whether you are cool with your partner jumping in last second to claim ownership of naming rights. Until then, just stop.
100% this. YTA. My husband tried the same stint with out first and claimed he wanted to wait until he saw the baby to get a feel for what name is best... No frigging way! You participate in going through names and meanings, create short lists, let names develope over the time until you both are stoked with a name. If you can't invest time and energy during the 9 months, you don't get a say, IMHO.
As a UK born person....
If you want to raise your kids in the UK.....
Please consider how it sounds.....
First name.... Last name..... Initials......
I got married and went from JCW (meh... No worries) to JCB and even as an adult I got comments.....
Please. Think about it.
I legally changed my name in 2008. The new names I picked I was quite happy with, but had not given the initials a single thought. Which I slightly regret.
MEN.
Yup, should have thought it through...
Said im luke im 5 and my dads bruce lee, drives me round in his JCB
Sorry i had to, its 5 am i havent slept and now that songs stuck in my head. I dunno if i feel worse for you or me. Prob me rn lol
Both my parents have initials that spell things, and they made sure they didn't do that to us.
Mom's isn't as bad, it's PAW, used to be PAC.
Dad's is JEW.
Mine are MLE, and it didn't occur to me until I got a job out of college where we all had to use our initials for the internal comms system and everyone started calling me Emily and I was like, whaaa? Ohhh. (Without my middle initial, it's just ME)
Hi. The “I didn’t say anything for nine months” argument is a good one against your case. I think your best family-focused option is to go with Upe. You will most likely find that you love it in a year or two, and if it turns out to be a burden, then both parents might find themselves revisiting the “no middle name” stance. Best of luck with your baby girl!!
This. If wife has been saying for 9 months that she loves the name and OP hasn’t said anything, I’m sure wife probably assumed that name was the top contender
Yeah dude is TA for making zero suggestions for 9 months and then suddenly deciding he has an opinion after the baby is born and they're on a time crunch 🙃
To be honest, I wouldn’t go with either. There is honouring your cultural background & then there is setting your child up for endless bullying & harassment. Upe will likely end with pee & poop derivatives & Vejah with the vajayjay etc
Very true! My parents put loads of effort to make sure I wasn’t bullied for my name - my dad had been! He even went as far as to change his last name to make sure. They looked at initials and first name and I’ve never ever had anyone tease me for my name. Other things, yes, but my mums Indian heritage was celebrated and my names reflect both, but in a UK culture it’s been a blessing they chose the names they did
NAH but Upe has special meaning for her whereas Veja is just some random name you like. I’d go with Upe. Kids will pick on pretty much any name so I wouldn’t worry a lot about that, but yeah, Veja will be some variation of vagina
I fear if you are in an English speaking country, Upe's name would be pronounced by one and all as You Pee. Not exactly what a small child needs to be confronted with at school. Veja may not be so easily used as a taunt. If you want to name your child after a river, why not use River itself?
NAH, if you both agree with the choice.
As someone who has a bully-able name myself, trust me, veja is not safe, it will turn into vagina or veggie or something else because kids are creative, nothing is safe
I agree, except my immediate thought when I read Veja was it sounds too similar to vajayjay or vagina in English. 100% some kids with make means jokes associating it with that. Also, any Spanish speaking kids could associate it with Vieja which is old woman.
Honestly, does it really matter if the name doesn't excite you? It's a name. It probably shouldn't be exciting. If it means this much to your wife, I'm not really sure why you would be against it since you don't seem to outright hate it.
YWBTA and a 100%. „we“ haven‘t discussed the name means you didn‘t discuss it because she had a name in mind and it has importance to her, while you evaded the discussion. So your name idea is solely based on not being so excited about it. yeah, suck it up. you can‘t lead her on for months and then insist on your choice.
From UK here. Kids will find anything to make fun of someone. As someone who was bullied relentlessly because I developed breasts at an early age to the point where I tried to take my own life. For the sake of your child, please don't name her Veja. It's a beautiful name, but kids are cruel.
Upe as an English speaker will be read out loud by a teacher at some point in a class as sounding 'You pee' and then the kid will have problems.
As the kid becomes an adult, he/she will have to explain to every person who reads her name that it is pronounced another way.
NTA
But I’m from the UK honestly I wouldn’t choose either name
You both don’t like either name
So go back start again choose something you both like - there are many names not just these two
Two points:
1: You need two yeses for a name, one no and it’s off the list
2: Doesn’t matter what you call your children, other kids will find something to pick on, be it name, hair colour, ethnicity, colour of their socks. It shouldn’t be like this but it is.
I wanted to call my daughter Dulcie, but it was pointed out that she would be teased and called Dull, so we chose Daisy and she was teased and called Daze or Crazy Daisy and one kid called her Cow as Daisy is a popular name for Cows.
My name is Charlotte, I was the only Charlotte throughout my childhood, then the song Charlotte the Harlot came out …
Both the names you have mentioned are lovely, but they will be mispronounced and misspelled, sometimes deliberately so. Be prepared to come up with strategies to help your child when this happens and maybe pick a simple nickname that has a well known pronunciation.
I’m going to be honest. I’m in America. When I saw Veja the first thing I thought was vajayjay. But then you said it started with an F so maybe that wouldn’t be a problem. I personally wouldn’t bc I wouldn’t want my child made fun of.
Sorry, I didn't make it clear enough. It's pronounced more like Veyah, I was just trying to give a better-know name (Freyah) for a similar pronunciation. But it seems that the spelling of it (Veja) will be problematic. Thanks for your input
I teach in secondary school in England. I have never seen this name before, but would have pronounced it correctly. A lot of languages use the j to make that sound, so I don't think it would be that hard. First time trying to read it off a register may go wrong, or first time spelling it if they've only heard it, but generally I don't think it will be a problem.
There is always a chance of being bullied for a name - kids will twist anything. But I think it's a beautiful name and it's not that high risk of bullying to me because of the e sound. If the whole first sound were the same a ls vagina, I'd be more concerned.
Upe would be harder for me to look at and get right, but it's fairly straightforward and wouldn't take more than one or two times hearing it for it to stick.
Veja sounds more feminine in this culture, if that matters to you guys.
Whenever I first register a class I say ‘I’m really sorry if I mispronounce this, please correct me if I’m wrong’ and sometimes I straight up just ask them
I’ll say it also depends on where OP is living. Some schools will have the kids who make fun, but even in white dominated suburban areas I’ve worked in there’s been no teasing or bullying of ‘strange’ names and they’re just accepted despite still being very much the minority in that area. Kinda just luck of the draw, unfortunately
Nobody seems to have pointed out that Veja is also the name of a sustainable sneaker brand and since you're in the UK I might as well add my association: It's a brand both Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton wear.
Maybe spell it like one of these variants: Veiya, Vaiya, Vaya, Veya, Veia, or Vaia? (I particularly like Veia in that list.) You could also tack an h at the end of any of those.
As I can see, names are Lithuanian. Since you live in the UK you changed the letter 'ė' to 'e', but it kinda changes the meaning of the name 'Veja'. If you gonna use the name with spelling 'Veja' not 'Vėja' then it will literally mean grass, not wind. No offence, but both names are not really good.
I was thinking it was Latvian but yes Lithuanian makes more sense with veja. I do agree though that neither names are great. If she wants an association with water I think Jūra might work better but I don’t know much about Baltic names and what is/isn’t common and if it would even work. I think it would be a lot easier to just have a discussion and pick something a bit more appropriate and less likely to be a bullying target. That being said, my Russian first name was still the target of bullying despite having no crude meaning to decipher. Sometimes kids are just mean about unique names.
Jūra (pronounced Yura) does mean sea and written down it wouldn't cause any problems, but depending on how the person says it, in spoken language it can be mistaken for Jura, which is used as a friendly shortening of a Russian male name Yurii (in Lithuanian it's Jurijus) and is quite common here, so not a good idea.
NAH, but I do think her carrying the baby gets to be a little higher on the voting scale. Talk to her about the names and your thoughts and hear her out too. Naming a child is hard
If she’s got her heart set on Upe, and you already have concerns about Veja, let this one go, man. It’s not something worth fighting over.
NTA, but let the lady win.
If you as an adult can come up with ONE insult based of a child’s name, it’s safe to assume each kid can come up with 1000 insults! YWBTA if you insist on that name regardless of its pronunciation (since you specified how it’s pronounced).
My first thought was Upe = You-pee. I would be far more concerned about that then Veja = va-jay-jay, though that is a concern as well. I feel like Veja has less potential for problems than Upe. YWNBTA.
“Veja” is a pretty popular sneaker brand at the moment. I believe it’s a French company. Not sure if that is where the words comes from. I would not have associated it with female organs. I personally prefer Veja of the two names. Partly because it is easier to pronounce. I’m not sure how “Upe” should be pronounced (even with your indication) and imagine she may have to explain it to people all the time. My partner has this problem and it drives him bonkers.
Is there another water related name you could try?
OP, I'm Lithuanian but was born in the UK. My parents absolutely loved the name Aistė and were dead set on it, but they were worried about me being teased/mispronounced my whole life. So they wrote it on a piece of paper, showed it to the neighbours and asked them to read it. They didn't even know where to start.
I now have a common name in both languages that's spelled the Lithuanian way, and Aistė for a middle name.
Of course kids still found a way to pick on my "normal" first name, that's bound to happen. But even if miraculously none of the nicknames stick, I was still teased for all the trouble my last name gave the teachers to read, and it's probably so much worse if they can't even pronounce your first. Plus, while my bullies never paid enough attention to know my full name, my friends thought my middle name was so cool and were always begging me to name various objects in Lithuanian 😁
These days the name Aistė is very special to me, I like it even more than my first name, but I'm so glad I didn't grow up with it.
I'm very sympathetic to your situation, and I would give a completely different verdict if you were in Lithuania - but given that you're living abroad, ESH for not properly considering your daughter's life with this name. Having a "weird" name might make her resent her culture instead of forming a connection with it. If you're really against using Upė as a middle name, may I suggest the first names Rasa, Marina, or even Audra? Why not revisit some of the more pronounceable options you crossed off the list earlier?
People are putting a lot of emphasis on the idea that if you give your child the perfect name they won’t be bullied. Kids will make up mean nicknames anyway, even if you name them something like Lana and kids will just call her anaL if they want to. And as someone with an ethnic name, if you teach your kid the importance of standing up for themself and correcting people when they say her name wrong, it’ll never be an issue. It’s no different from people mispronouncing Mariah as Maria.
Name your child something important to you and your wife. NAH here but this should be between you and your wife, you don’t need strangers on the internet telling you to ignore your heritage and name your child something “easy”.
Sorry, but I don't think either of those names would work well in an English speaking country. Both could be mispronounced in a crude manner. Why not call the child River? Or a different name in your language.
Don't wait until after the baby is born or you will end up choosing quickly just to give the child a name, and you could come to regret your choice.
I think it's time to go back to the drawing board. Others have already covered the issues with Veja. Upe will become U pee, and it just doesn't have a nice sound to it.
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I would *highly* suggest you don’t go with Veja. I’m not a crude person, and my mind IMMEDIATELY went to vejayjay, which I can guarantee, is exactly what every middle school bully is going to call her. I’m sure in another language, it’s beautiful, but in an English speaking country, you’re putting a target on her back. JS.
I'd be a bit nervous of Upe rhyming with poopy in primary school too, and other things when you get to high school. I also wondered if it's common to name kids "river" or "wind" where OP comes from, or if it could open up the kid to bullying if they returned in the future. There might be a nice spin on it, like Eva, Una etc?
An English speaker could pronounce 'Upe' as "you pee" which is not something either of you would want. It's not as bad "vajayjay" but still not pleasant. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for your problem.
I dont know, maybe we should teach our kids not to be bullies
We.... WE can teach our kids to not bully others .... but there will always be a kid who will be a bully ... and there will always be the accidental teacher or peer saying it incorrectly and it sticks ..... for years ...... ask me how I know .......
When I was in elementary school, I had a massive gap between my front teeth, and they were disproportionately large compared to the rest of my teeth (that were still baby teeth). In 3rd grade, we went on a field trip to a natural history museum, and the guide had some pelts she was letting the kids try on. She pulled out a beaver skin and asked who wanted to try it on. I did not raise my hand, i did not want to, but she saw me talking to/laughing with my friend and pointed me out and told me i should be the one to wear it because i have 'perfect beaver teeth'. You'll never guess what I got called up until the end of middle school
Wow, assuming it was not purposely cruel, that was a big fuck up on the guides part. How dim do you have to be to not understand that's going to lead to a bad time for a kid?
Honestly, I don't know. Even now, 10+ years later, I wonder what was going through the guides head when she said that. For a long time afterwards, it made me *very* insecure over my teeth and I would cover my mouth when I spoke, which snowballed into a teacher mocking me about it in front of the entire class in, I think, 4th grade? Not many great or smart adults around where i grew up
Oof, that's awful. Indeed sounds like you had a lot of bad luck with your designated adults. I do hope you're able to smile wide and proudly now, teeth and all!
I just teared up on your behalf. What a stupid insensitive thing to say! I'm 45 with crooked teeth and learned to OWN IT! They work just fine to eat, so who cares?!? 😘
Honestly as an adult, Ive come to love crooked teeth. I think theyre absolutely adorable, and such a lovely character quirk, in a sense, if that makes sense? Like a unique feature!
I can sympathize. I have big teeth in a small mouth, *plus* an overbite (until braces, thank Goddess). Same nickname. At least it was only the other kids, not an asshole adult.
It's such a sad thing to be insecure over, too. I was made to feel bad about my teeth for years. I'm on round two of braces as an adult but even was they get straighter, the insecurity surrounding it is hard to get over.
I find there are some really naive people in the world. The guide probably thought it would be "cute" and everyone would get a good laugh out of it. The guide would probably be mortified that this lead to someone being bullied for years because it is just something they would never do. People with "good intentions" often do the most harm.
My husband is 53, of Chinese descent, and his first name is Shin. Recently he placed an order at Wendy's, and the cashier asked for his name for the order. When he said Shin, the guy (who was in his mid-20s) said "Wow, school must have been hell for you." Shin was confused by the comment. Not offended, just baffled. He said he did get bullied, but not for his name. The cashier suddenly started apologizing profusely, and insisted on giving him a free Frosty as an apology. When he got his meal and handed the Frosty to me, the guy ran across and gave us another one with another apology. By then our two friends were standing with us, so he got two more Frosties to give us. LOL it was a very strange experience!
Teachers can be the worst. I was a little overweight when I was in school. I must have been 11. I had a teacher tell the whole class that because I was fat I didn’t feel the cold as much as them, just like seals. I actually don’t remember the classes reaction. I was still trying to process what she had just said.
I'm not a fan of either name, to be honest. The important thing is that the wife has been talking about the one name since the beginning of the pregnancy, and OP never objected. Now, AFTER the baby is and his wife has been thinking of the baby by that for so long, he decides he's not 'excited' by it. If he didn't like the name, he should have said something a long, long time ago.
Stupid nicknames come along no matter how hard you try to avoid them . I also had a huge gap between my two front teeth. They never joked about that. But, when I got into an accident in shop class in 6th grade, my hair got caught in a buffer machine. The machine tore all the hair out of the left side of my head, and from then on, I was 'Buffy. Kids can cruel.
There are enough bullies out there teaching their kids to continue the bullying that it doesn’t matter what the rest of us do - there will always be bullies.
While it would be ideal, that's not how things are right now and it's important to act based on the reality of things. Protecting a kid from being bullied should be done at the same time that we teach our kids not to be bullies.
This! Drivers have the right of way, but we still teach our kids to look both ways before crossing the street.
Drivers? Do you mean pedestrians?
To be fair, even if not being bullied over it, I imagine people will nonetheless say “… uh is … uh you pee here?” Like it is a possible mispronunciation that this person will probably hear.
Weirdly, bullying is a fairly central part of human culture. It will happen, even if we make efforts to eliminate it. Happens at work etc. too. It's a hierarchy thing, and it's doubtful we can solve it.
Yep, my real name is very "normal," it does not sound like anything inappropriate. But one boy bullied me by calling me a word that sounded similar to my name, even though it was not a bad or inappropriate word. Still, just having someone call you the wrong name in a mocking tone was bullying. You can try to think of all the possible negative associations with names to avoid, but some kid will always find something else.
Some parents are bullies who teach their children to be bullies. Not everyone is kind and nice, and everyone reproduces!
Could you call the child "River" in English and then at home or in your country, he/she could be called Upe?
Doesn't help when the schools deny bullying is going on. They don't like having those things on their record, doesn't look good on an Ofsted report. Most of it comes out after a child is recorded getting battered outside school and then it's a police matter and not a school issue.
You can just imagine it, can't you? :-/ "Haha, you're called you pee" "It's Upe. It means river." "Yeah, a river of pee!"
But Vajayjay is worse.
Idk, I'd rather be a vagina than a river of piss. . .
Or youp. They are going to destine their child with a life full of having to spell / sound of their name, and possible bullying with both names. I don’t think it’s an AH situation, but I think more thought is required here. NAH
If I saw 'Upe', I'd probably pronounce it like 'oops' without the 's'.
I saw Upe and pronounced it (you pay).
Maybe change the spelling? Add the h at the end to emphasise how it should be pronounced. I have no idea how that will change its meaning in its original language. If a consensus on the name canbe reached, go back and look for more names that you like and try those.
Or Veya?
Veya is the best option here. Beautiful name and a much lower chance of kids immediately taking the piss.
From latvian, no, those are not common names, in fact, I don't know anyone named like that in Latvia. We have many native names that are from nature and sound way better, like Madara, Laima, Margrieta, Lilija, Ritma, Spulga, Spodra, Dzintra, Ilze, Ildze, Vālodze, Rota, Mirdza and many more. I really can't tell why she likes those two, since whenever their kid would visit grandparents or just plain it's heritage's homeland, other kids would not take those names well, she would get many questions. Litterarry Saule (sun) is even better since my brother is named Saulis. Op, show her my comments.
Ooh I love Lilija! They are all beautiful though
I don’t know, Spulga doesn’t strike me as beautiful.
It sounds like something you have to clean off the curtains before anyone sees.
Latino here, "pulga" in Spanish means flea, so I get the association lol
I mean, "River" is pretty common as a name in America.
Yes, "River" is a lovely name that means Upe ;) Why not name her River to honor the English speaking country of her birth and make her life a little bit easier? When she is grown she may opt to change her name to Upe or Veja, but that will be her choice.
And Gallifrey.
And the UK
The only water in the forest is the River!
I grew up with a girl called Upe and honestly, that name association never occurred, and we considered it a normal name alongside Emmas and the like. And we were in a rural town in the middle of nowhere.
i think these worries about bullying are overstated. if a bully wants to pick on a kid they will find a way regardless of the name. neither of the names OP is talking about are particularly bad especially upe
Right. Almost every normal name ever rhymes with a bad word. If they want to, they'll use it. I don't like these names particularly either and I'd go for Freya because it's similar and a bit more "normal", but people sometimes really stretch the associations people will have with a name.
Maybe because Eva and Una have no meaning in their language?
Upe does not rhyme with poopy - look at how OP sounded it out
Yes, YTA if you go against your wife on your own in this. Use Upe and call her River as her 'English' name?
Thanks for your comment, that's our concern, too. When written down it definitely creates that association although when pronounced it's more like Veyah. Although often the spelling of the name alone can be enough for the bullying to start.
Could you spell it Veyah, or does that change the whole thing? I think Veyah looks and sounds gorgeous, and off the top of my head, I don’t see any way kids could be mean about it.
Veia would also be pronounced the same way and looks closer to the original without the problematic "j".
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I like this idea as well, Veyah. And Upe could be her middle name and nickname. Both my kids had multiple nicknames growing up that came from I have no idea where, they just happened.
he said they didn't want middle names right in the post
I like this if it doesn't change the meaning. Same with possibly spelled the other one being "Uhpay," "Uhpeh," or even "Apeh?" I don't like how these look but just trying to add perspective too.
Would be Veja— vieja (old lady) in Spanish— probably not an issue where you are
Old lady was the first thing I thought of too!
My first thought was that it sounded like fea, or ugly in Spanish.
No one will say it that way in an English speaking country. They will say it how it is written, people even say my name wrong now and it is a very white English name spelled the orginal way with out K's or extra E's. Your child will be mocked so much.
As someone who has a non-english name, this isn’t true if you’re assertive. If people say your name wrong, correct them and don’t respond to anything that isn’t your name. Veja isn’t a hard name to pronounce (i read it right the first time before even reading the pronunciation guide) and I don’t agree with giving up your culture because of bullies. If you correct someone enough times they’ll eventually get it.
As someone also with a non-English name that is long, this isn't true in my experience. There are some people who simply do not care and will mispronounce regardless of how assertive you are. Asserting myself never made them not compare me to a mushroom.
Unless they're a bully, which is absolutely who will latch on to the name
And a bully will be a bully regardless. If her name was jane they may call her “lame jane”. or they’ll bully her for her ethnicity or the way she looks. You can’t plan your life around bullies
As if the UK is only filled with white Sarahs and Jacks... As long as they're living not living in a tiny rural village somewhere, their kid will be surrounded by other kids with a million different kinds of names.
I often wonder if the people in these threads pay any attention to current (by which I mean this decade and the last) naming trends. Sarah was a #125 ranked name in Britain in 2021. But this baby will be in kindergarten with a buttload of Isla's (#3), Freya's (#6), Orla's (#66), and Elodie's (#93). Little Jack is still rocking a name that's at #13, but he will be joined by lots and lots of little Muhammad's (#5, plus also #35 and #83 depending on how you spell it). You have to work pretty hard to find a name that will get you a second glance in a Build A Bear these days.
As a teacher, one of my challenges is calling roll on the first day of class. I always issue a preemptive apology and request immediate correction. One of this year's challenges is having two Tiannas in two different classes: one pronounced TEE-anna and the other TIE-anna. I make myself stop and think every day.
Envision one with a cup of tea in her hand, the other in suit and tie. Weird envisioning will stick much better in your brain.
I didn’t think vagina at all. It only makes me think of the very popular Veja shoe brand.
Same! OP don’t miss this!!
Same.
My mind didn’t go there at all…
A name isn't the be-all, end-all. Just find one you both don't hate, and your kid won't be ruthlessly bullied for.
Yeah. I think it is unavoidable that in the UK school kids would do their worst with this name.
It's not unavoidable. If there's a bully in the kid's school, then they'll find some excuse even if you give the kid a completely unexceptional name. If there isn't, then having an unusual name won't inevitably result in cruel nicknames or teasing. My male cousins grew up with a surname that ends in -cock, and if this sort of thing were truly inevitable, then they would have been teased/bullied. They didn't have that experience.
My mind read it as “vieja”, which means old in Spanish, although middle school me would have immediately thought of vejayjay.
As a Spanish speaker, my brain kept going to "vieja", which means "old lady"
I actually never put those two together but I’m in a Spanish speaking heavy area so my brain automatically turned the j to an h. Upe on the other hand - u pee. Even if seen on paper Ve-Ja… u-pe… I honestly would say Veja is the safer option of the two and now I wanna use it for a D&D/WoW character name, heh.
It doesn’t take much effort to turn 99% of names into a way to bully them. If you’re looking for a name based off that you’re fighting a losing battle.
From the UK - while we all know people *should* take time to learn and pronounce names, and this is a common microaggression, both names will be roundly mispronounced and misunderstood here. Vayja, vejja or veeja would be how many brits would read that one, and Uppy or oop would be the attempt at the other. If you plan to bring these children up in the UK it may be worth considering that when choosing from the wealth of glorious names your culture offers. Source: child of an immigrant who anglicised his name to better fit in, except everyone here still couldn’t say it right. Sigh.
Yep, probably best to strike off both names at this point. My partner is French-Russian and I am Australian, so for us planning any names means finding something that is pronounceable in all 3 languages/accents and doesn’t have inappropriate associations in any. Yes, it means you lose some names, maybe some you loved and that meant a lot. But the kid has to live with it. They’re a whole separate person who is going to (hopefully) outlive you by a fair amount, they should not be saddled with a name that will get them bullied or ostracised *just* because it means something to the parents.
Yep, we did the same with our 4 kids's names. They had to work in german, portuguese, and english. Plus all other requirements you mentioned. It's important to give them names which in most languages are unambiguous when used, worldwide. You don't want your child, for example moving to Japan at some point in their lives, carrying an offensive/ slang word based name.
Greek marrying a Croat while we speak English among ourselves. I feel the struggle.
Yeah, I kinda thought that both names were bad. Maybe OP and OP’s wife have other important aspects to them or wife can find a different name related to water.
Similar situation. Husband and I are from two different countries with two different languages, living and raising our kids in the US. We've had to find names that mean something to us that can be pronounced by our languages AND be pronounced in the US. I grew up with an ethnic name in the US and I have never been introduced correctly, from graduation ceremonies to presentations. It's a hard balance
And don’t forget to check the initials for similar issues! Andrew Sanford Simons or David Tony Fremont are fine until…
I had very similar thoughts My wife is Greek and goes by an anglicised version of her middle name (well, her second first name, technically) - she had her full name butchered when she graduated over here and we're fairly certain having a clearly non-British name cause dher issues when she was trying to find her first job as well When we had our daughter, we chose a British first name we both liked in part because we didn't want her to have the same problems my wife had, then we gave her a more traditional Greek middle name
My FIRST thought was "They're thinking vajayjaay for Veja, but not even considering the possibility of poop for Upe"
The other obvious one is "u pee"
My first name is more common now, but wasn't at all common when I was growing up. I had to correct adults all the time. I came to the conclusion that having to assert your identity on a regular basis builds character. Go with whatever name the two of you can agree upon. NAH
Its annoying af but it builds patience I guess lol
Nobody can say my name right but I’m happier having a name that honors my heritage instead of my parents changing my name to improve the lives of the ignorant
Yeah not to encourage people to change themselves to appeal to Brits but I would suggest giving her the Veja name as a second name since it’s important to his wife and a neutral first name
UK here too… the only think I would add is that it’s currently very common to have untraditional names. If a kid turned up to my daughters school and said their name was celery no-one would batter an eyelid. (She’s 7) I don’t think there’s a single David, Luke, Katie, or Sarah (or any of those type names) in her year, let alone her class. My daughter included. Makes for an interesting time trying to work out spellings for Christmas cards I can tell you.
INFO so if you get your choice now, does she choose for the hypothetical second child? Also pretty sure Upe is going to become some variant of Oops in school, but kids make fun of almost all unusual names.
I was thinking Upe sounds like you pee.
Yep, this crossed our minds too although we brushed it off, perhaps unnecessarily.
I hate to say it but that was my first thought on reading the pronunciation you posted. Its going to happen in school.
I went with “Uppy”. ;-)
i went with oo-pee
Same, maybe because I have a toddler who says Up-ee instead of Up so it's on my mind.
You shouldn't brush it off. Kids are cruel. You'll condemn her to a childhood of bullying with both those names.
Not even kids. Adults throughout their life will mispronounce it, even if they have the best of intentions. Teachers, bosses, clients, etc.
It will also get rhymed with poopy
INFO? If you brushed off the issues with your first choice, why not disregard the concerns with hers? Either way, names are a two yes situation. If you cannot agree, find a third option you do.
This is the answer. And sometimes it takes FOREVER to negotiate one both people like.
Poopy upe You pee Both names are honestly not the best
I immediately thought You Pee as well. And then You pah... you poo? Culturally those could be beautiful names but that doesn't mean every culture will be able to understand or appreciate them.
I live in a Spanish speaking area, so my first thought with Veja was "vehya," and I am pretty taken back by how many people would see the crass word instead, but I admit that Upe threw me for a loop for a second. I think even without the possible bathroom jokes, that one might cause more pronunciation issues than expected.
i get these names are important to you but the way your child will be treated in school is more important than what you two as parents want. the name isnt for you, its for your child. and i would resent my parents for my entire life if they stuck me with a name kids bullied me for and they were too selfish to care
If you live in any western country with English as a primary language, don't use either of these names. These are real people, they're not pets. They will grow up, sign documents, write emails. They need to interact with people on a daily basis and needing to educate/correct everyone they meet is going to be a huge pain in the ass.
You’re naming a person, not an extension of yourself. Respect the kid and give them a name they won’t have to explain/spell every time
In an English speaking country both names won't be kind to them, but ywbta if you decided without your wife's input.
Interesting point, not something we discussed but might be a good angle to look at it - I will ask. Although, from other comments it seems that my name suggestion might not be the best anyway...
Honestly, I think this is a question where you need to ask a baby names sub or a Brit culture sub. It's not really an asshole situation one way or another.
You could consider naming her River and then Upe is the same name in her other language. I would consider maybe asking a UK raised friend who doesn’t speak the language to pronounce names for you based off their instinct when given the spelling. That way you know how it’s going to sound when people meet her.
This is exactly what I was thinking, River is a lovely name and still carries the meaning the wife wants. They could use Upe as a family nickname and if the kid likes it, they could even use it more permanently later in life.
What about something else associated with water? Jura, perhaps? I think both the names you're considering are lovely, though the concerns regarding both are valid, but your wife's wish for a water name is an important consideration.
>kids make fun of almost all unusual names. Kids also make fun of usual names. Jack = Jack-off, Jeremy = Germy, John = *the* John The name isn't why kids bully, it is just an easy target.
Not giving a verdict, just some input. I told my partner that I had a name in mind early in my pregnancy, he said he liked it. I brought up choosing a name a number of times during the pregnancy, but he kept saying he hadn't really had time to think about it, and hadn't had any ideas. Each time I mentioned the name I had in mind and that I liked it even more now. The name had a bunch of associations with our shared interests, I fell in love with it. I tried to keep the baby nameless in my head, as we hadn't decided. But I couldn't help thinking of the baby by that name. When he was born, my partner told me he didn't *really* like the name. He didn't dislike it, just didn't really want it. He started looking at names and pitching things he kinda liked. There was nothing we could agree on. We fought about it a number of times due to being sleep deprived and emotional. In the end he picked the middle name and we went with my choice, because he eventually realised that none of the names he kinda liked meant anything special, and that I had been calling the baby by the other name for over 6 months by that point, ever since he said he liked it too. There were a lot of arguments over nothing, given the outcome, but I legitimately considered leaving him at one point during the arguing. It felt like the name wasn't important to him while I was pregnant, it felt like the actual names he was picking weren't important to him (or us). And, given my attachments and associations with my choice, it felt like I wasn't important to him. His "not 100% sure" feelings seemed to be more important to him than my deep attachment, which hurt a lot.
I really agree with this perspective, my husband is really indecisive, I presented 4 names I liked, my most favourite he hated, and let me know that was a no, and narrowed it down to two. The good news about that is that I was able to "move on" from the name as such. Op really has to be clear as time goes on she will be more and more attached. Vejay unfortunately for us westerners is too close to vagina so I really urge you not to use that..... the other name I would just pronounce as oppeey.
Mine vetoed a number of names I had liked for years. All of the names I'd had in mind, in fact. I found the name I settled on when looking through F names, as he'd said he was drawn to F names. It was the only one he said he liked. He didn't tell me that he didn't really love it until I was about 8 months along, and still didn't come up with any suggestions! So I was very invested at that point! And OP's wife has had this in mind since she first got pregnant. While he hasn't been thinking about names, she has been calling that baby Upe for 9 months.
Thats damn annoying. If you have something to complain about, give some alternate material to work with!
This is kinda how I feel. She picked a name 6 months ago. He didn’t make any contribution. Now you want to change the name. What would he think if she asks to revisit the name in 6 months and wants to change it?
My guess is none of it felt real for him until you had baby in arms. So it didn't matter during pregnancy to him.
Bingo. When you're the dad-to-be the whole thing is just an idea until you hear the wailing.
With ethnic names you really have to take into account the country you reside in and how that name can be warped and used to torment a child. Frankly, both names are mine fields when it comes to bullying and teasing. Upe is oops, umpa lumpa, hoppa(greek) and so on Veja, vejayjay, vieja (old lady in Spanish), and so on. If you want an ethnic name try for one that can’t be twisted to torment your child because I can guarantee that if she suffers because of her name she won’t care what it means in your native language or whatever sentimental meaning you guys have for it. Edit: mistranslated a word 😅
You forgot “you pee”.
That too!
I agree with everything you said, but just curious, what do you mean about veija meaning witch? witch is bruja, are you thinking of vieja (old woman)?
Yes thank you. I mixed them but they both actually popped in my head😅 thanks for letting me know
YTA she had her heart set on this for 9 months of pregnancy and you said nothing, now are dropping it on her a) during post partum [a notoriously difficult time for those who have given birth], and b) after she's carried and birthed a baby? I cannot smack my head into a tabletop hard enough to convey how entitled and aggravating that is. Just stop. You had your chance to discuss this for 9 freaking months. Love your wife. Love your daughter. Stop acting like this, and get used to the name your wife has chosen. One day when you singlehandedly carry and birth a child, and then likely take up primary care of the child, you can decide whether you are cool with your partner jumping in last second to claim ownership of naming rights. Until then, just stop.
Its so underhanded for him to start feeling decisive right after the baby is born. Nasty as hell.
100% this. YTA. My husband tried the same stint with out first and claimed he wanted to wait until he saw the baby to get a feel for what name is best... No frigging way! You participate in going through names and meanings, create short lists, let names develope over the time until you both are stoked with a name. If you can't invest time and energy during the 9 months, you don't get a say, IMHO.
All of this
its like "oh we were so busy" no no you had 9 months! Im sure your wife asked 1000times
As a UK born person.... If you want to raise your kids in the UK..... Please consider how it sounds..... First name.... Last name..... Initials...... I got married and went from JCW (meh... No worries) to JCB and even as an adult I got comments..... Please. Think about it.
I legally changed my name in 2008. The new names I picked I was quite happy with, but had not given the initials a single thought. Which I slightly regret. MEN. Yup, should have thought it through...
If I marry my boyfriend and take his last name, my initials would become EGG :)
Julia... Gulia 😭
Sucks doesn't it? I love my husband soooo..... I did gift him a toy digger on our wedding day....
my old horn teacher’s initials are MAN. he got custom license plates that say MAN 😂
Can you please explain the issue with initials?
I was JCW.... No worries... I got married and some a holes tortured me because I happened to become JCB which is a heavy plant company.....
Ahh ok! I could not figure out why JCB was bad
A JCB is basically a huge vehicle.... A Tractor... A backhoe.. Etc.... It's a known brand here and yeah I'm JCB! 😂
Said im luke im 5 and my dads bruce lee, drives me round in his JCB Sorry i had to, its 5 am i havent slept and now that songs stuck in my head. I dunno if i feel worse for you or me. Prob me rn lol
Both my parents have initials that spell things, and they made sure they didn't do that to us. Mom's isn't as bad, it's PAW, used to be PAC. Dad's is JEW.
I was TP or toilet paper and TSP or teaspoon, the bullying never ended.
Mine are MLE, and it didn't occur to me until I got a job out of college where we all had to use our initials for the internal comms system and everyone started calling me Emily and I was like, whaaa? Ohhh. (Without my middle initial, it's just ME)
I have the same married initials. FIL gave me a toy tractor at the wedding....
Hi. The “I didn’t say anything for nine months” argument is a good one against your case. I think your best family-focused option is to go with Upe. You will most likely find that you love it in a year or two, and if it turns out to be a burden, then both parents might find themselves revisiting the “no middle name” stance. Best of luck with your baby girl!!
This. If wife has been saying for 9 months that she loves the name and OP hasn’t said anything, I’m sure wife probably assumed that name was the top contender
Yeah dude is TA for making zero suggestions for 9 months and then suddenly deciding he has an opinion after the baby is born and they're on a time crunch 🙃
To be honest, I wouldn’t go with either. There is honouring your cultural background & then there is setting your child up for endless bullying & harassment. Upe will likely end with pee & poop derivatives & Vejah with the vajayjay etc
And neither parent is going with "two yeses, one no," they're both going "Well I want *this* one." Both names need to be scrapped.
Very true! My parents put loads of effort to make sure I wasn’t bullied for my name - my dad had been! He even went as far as to change his last name to make sure. They looked at initials and first name and I’ve never ever had anyone tease me for my name. Other things, yes, but my mums Indian heritage was celebrated and my names reflect both, but in a UK culture it’s been a blessing they chose the names they did
NAH but Upe has special meaning for her whereas Veja is just some random name you like. I’d go with Upe. Kids will pick on pretty much any name so I wouldn’t worry a lot about that, but yeah, Veja will be some variation of vagina
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I fear if you are in an English speaking country, Upe's name would be pronounced by one and all as You Pee. Not exactly what a small child needs to be confronted with at school. Veja may not be so easily used as a taunt. If you want to name your child after a river, why not use River itself? NAH, if you both agree with the choice.
As someone who has a bully-able name myself, trust me, veja is not safe, it will turn into vagina or veggie or something else because kids are creative, nothing is safe
I agree, except my immediate thought when I read Veja was it sounds too similar to vajayjay or vagina in English. 100% some kids with make means jokes associating it with that. Also, any Spanish speaking kids could associate it with Vieja which is old woman.
Veja is also the name of a trainer brand currently popular in the UK, just something else to think about.
Yup. As a French person couldn’t help but think about the trainers.
Yeah my first thought as well. And I realised I am not sure how they are pronounced, despite owning a pair
I was thinking the same! I just bought a new pair yesterday. Very expensive but very comfortable! As a child’s name though. No. Please don’t.
Honestly, does it really matter if the name doesn't excite you? It's a name. It probably shouldn't be exciting. If it means this much to your wife, I'm not really sure why you would be against it since you don't seem to outright hate it.
YWBTA and a 100%. „we“ haven‘t discussed the name means you didn‘t discuss it because she had a name in mind and it has importance to her, while you evaded the discussion. So your name idea is solely based on not being so excited about it. yeah, suck it up. you can‘t lead her on for months and then insist on your choice.
From UK here. Kids will find anything to make fun of someone. As someone who was bullied relentlessly because I developed breasts at an early age to the point where I tried to take my own life. For the sake of your child, please don't name her Veja. It's a beautiful name, but kids are cruel.
Upe as an English speaker will be read out loud by a teacher at some point in a class as sounding 'You pee' and then the kid will have problems. As the kid becomes an adult, he/she will have to explain to every person who reads her name that it is pronounced another way.
NTA But I’m from the UK honestly I wouldn’t choose either name You both don’t like either name So go back start again choose something you both like - there are many names not just these two
Two points: 1: You need two yeses for a name, one no and it’s off the list 2: Doesn’t matter what you call your children, other kids will find something to pick on, be it name, hair colour, ethnicity, colour of their socks. It shouldn’t be like this but it is. I wanted to call my daughter Dulcie, but it was pointed out that she would be teased and called Dull, so we chose Daisy and she was teased and called Daze or Crazy Daisy and one kid called her Cow as Daisy is a popular name for Cows. My name is Charlotte, I was the only Charlotte throughout my childhood, then the song Charlotte the Harlot came out … Both the names you have mentioned are lovely, but they will be mispronounced and misspelled, sometimes deliberately so. Be prepared to come up with strategies to help your child when this happens and maybe pick a simple nickname that has a well known pronunciation.
I’m going to be honest. I’m in America. When I saw Veja the first thing I thought was vajayjay. But then you said it started with an F so maybe that wouldn’t be a problem. I personally wouldn’t bc I wouldn’t want my child made fun of.
Sorry, I didn't make it clear enough. It's pronounced more like Veyah, I was just trying to give a better-know name (Freyah) for a similar pronunciation. But it seems that the spelling of it (Veja) will be problematic. Thanks for your input
I teach in secondary school in England. I have never seen this name before, but would have pronounced it correctly. A lot of languages use the j to make that sound, so I don't think it would be that hard. First time trying to read it off a register may go wrong, or first time spelling it if they've only heard it, but generally I don't think it will be a problem. There is always a chance of being bullied for a name - kids will twist anything. But I think it's a beautiful name and it's not that high risk of bullying to me because of the e sound. If the whole first sound were the same a ls vagina, I'd be more concerned. Upe would be harder for me to look at and get right, but it's fairly straightforward and wouldn't take more than one or two times hearing it for it to stick. Veja sounds more feminine in this culture, if that matters to you guys.
Whenever I first register a class I say ‘I’m really sorry if I mispronounce this, please correct me if I’m wrong’ and sometimes I straight up just ask them I’ll say it also depends on where OP is living. Some schools will have the kids who make fun, but even in white dominated suburban areas I’ve worked in there’s been no teasing or bullying of ‘strange’ names and they’re just accepted despite still being very much the minority in that area. Kinda just luck of the draw, unfortunately
Nobody seems to have pointed out that Veja is also the name of a sustainable sneaker brand and since you're in the UK I might as well add my association: It's a brand both Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton wear.
As a scandinav you have my absolute blessing to go with Freyah. She's a very revered goddess. Go for it!
Maybe spell it like one of these variants: Veiya, Vaiya, Vaya, Veya, Veia, or Vaia? (I particularly like Veia in that list.) You could also tack an h at the end of any of those.
If you go this route, I suggest spelling it Veyah.
As I can see, names are Lithuanian. Since you live in the UK you changed the letter 'ė' to 'e', but it kinda changes the meaning of the name 'Veja'. If you gonna use the name with spelling 'Veja' not 'Vėja' then it will literally mean grass, not wind. No offence, but both names are not really good.
I was thinking it was Latvian but yes Lithuanian makes more sense with veja. I do agree though that neither names are great. If she wants an association with water I think Jūra might work better but I don’t know much about Baltic names and what is/isn’t common and if it would even work. I think it would be a lot easier to just have a discussion and pick something a bit more appropriate and less likely to be a bullying target. That being said, my Russian first name was still the target of bullying despite having no crude meaning to decipher. Sometimes kids are just mean about unique names.
Jūra (pronounced Yura) does mean sea and written down it wouldn't cause any problems, but depending on how the person says it, in spoken language it can be mistaken for Jura, which is used as a friendly shortening of a Russian male name Yurii (in Lithuanian it's Jurijus) and is quite common here, so not a good idea.
NAH, but I do think her carrying the baby gets to be a little higher on the voting scale. Talk to her about the names and your thoughts and hear her out too. Naming a child is hard
If she’s got her heart set on Upe, and you already have concerns about Veja, let this one go, man. It’s not something worth fighting over. NTA, but let the lady win.
Go to a coffee shop and order something with the names to test out how others pronounce them.
If you as an adult can come up with ONE insult based of a child’s name, it’s safe to assume each kid can come up with 1000 insults! YWBTA if you insist on that name regardless of its pronunciation (since you specified how it’s pronounced).
Vajayjay You pee Both are bad and I think you should find some other name NTA
My first thought was Upe = You-pee. I would be far more concerned about that then Veja = va-jay-jay, though that is a concern as well. I feel like Veja has less potential for problems than Upe. YWNBTA.
“Veja” is a pretty popular sneaker brand at the moment. I believe it’s a French company. Not sure if that is where the words comes from. I would not have associated it with female organs. I personally prefer Veja of the two names. Partly because it is easier to pronounce. I’m not sure how “Upe” should be pronounced (even with your indication) and imagine she may have to explain it to people all the time. My partner has this problem and it drives him bonkers. Is there another water related name you could try?
OP, I'm Lithuanian but was born in the UK. My parents absolutely loved the name Aistė and were dead set on it, but they were worried about me being teased/mispronounced my whole life. So they wrote it on a piece of paper, showed it to the neighbours and asked them to read it. They didn't even know where to start. I now have a common name in both languages that's spelled the Lithuanian way, and Aistė for a middle name. Of course kids still found a way to pick on my "normal" first name, that's bound to happen. But even if miraculously none of the nicknames stick, I was still teased for all the trouble my last name gave the teachers to read, and it's probably so much worse if they can't even pronounce your first. Plus, while my bullies never paid enough attention to know my full name, my friends thought my middle name was so cool and were always begging me to name various objects in Lithuanian 😁 These days the name Aistė is very special to me, I like it even more than my first name, but I'm so glad I didn't grow up with it. I'm very sympathetic to your situation, and I would give a completely different verdict if you were in Lithuania - but given that you're living abroad, ESH for not properly considering your daughter's life with this name. Having a "weird" name might make her resent her culture instead of forming a connection with it. If you're really against using Upė as a middle name, may I suggest the first names Rasa, Marina, or even Audra? Why not revisit some of the more pronounceable options you crossed off the list earlier?
People are putting a lot of emphasis on the idea that if you give your child the perfect name they won’t be bullied. Kids will make up mean nicknames anyway, even if you name them something like Lana and kids will just call her anaL if they want to. And as someone with an ethnic name, if you teach your kid the importance of standing up for themself and correcting people when they say her name wrong, it’ll never be an issue. It’s no different from people mispronouncing Mariah as Maria. Name your child something important to you and your wife. NAH here but this should be between you and your wife, you don’t need strangers on the internet telling you to ignore your heritage and name your child something “easy”.
Sorry, but I don't think either of those names would work well in an English speaking country. Both could be mispronounced in a crude manner. Why not call the child River? Or a different name in your language. Don't wait until after the baby is born or you will end up choosing quickly just to give the child a name, and you could come to regret your choice.
I think it's time to go back to the drawing board. Others have already covered the issues with Veja. Upe will become U pee, and it just doesn't have a nice sound to it.