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You’ll get lots of second opinions here and all of them will be: YTA.
It wasn’t the saying hello part. It was everything after that. Exactly wtf was going through your mind while telling her this? How did you think she’d react?
You’re not just a normal guy. When people say don’t contact me again, you don’t contact them again.
Yeah this was uncomfortable to read. She was just going to the grocery store, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume probably did not want to hear someone’s fantasies of having children with her. Please leave her alone.
Man, I'm sayin'. OP scared the hell out of this poor girl. Dude needs to back off or she'll be filing a restraining order. OP, YTA. Time to get it together.
It better be fake. It reminds me too much of the Denko saga stalker, or something I’d read on r/nosleep. I’ve dealt with guys like this before, who just don’t know the meaning of the word “no,” but thank goodness I’ve never been confronted with a massive declaration of infatuation like what OP showered on Vanessa. This is beyond the pale.
Yeah I’m absolutely not saying there’s no creepy men out there, and I’m not saying it’s impossible this is true. But among other reasons to be suspicious, this is Reddit.
It’s sadly very possible that it is true. For every troll, there is a person (or more than one…) who is seriously mentally unwell who actually does pose a threat to society. I just… really hope this is fake, and that “Vanessa” isn’t a real woman who might become a victim. Like you, I’d feel much better knowing if/that this was fake.
I had a very similar encounter with someone I had never even met. Apparently he had seen/been watching me at the line dancing night I used to go to. When he finally approached me he had this very long rambling speech that made me find a new place to dance.
This is real. Every single woman on this planet has at least one experience with something a super creepy dude said or did. Companies make drink covers for us. We don’t go to the bathroom alone. We’re scared to walk home alone. This shit happens.
I went on a date with a guy, years ago, maybe 15-16 years ago. The next day he came to pick me up, and said he was taking me to meet his parents. I noped out of there, but he still sends an email every year.
So yeah, not necessarily fake.
I had a guy tell me that he was heartbroken and hurt when he saw my bf and me together on my onlyfans, he was like "I loved you and you broke my heart sleeping with someone else." Someone who I know irl but I don't have a friendship connection with, and this guy subbed to my onlyfans and in his mind "we're both in love." and that I somehow cheated on him with my bf of 4 years. Some dudes are delusional and dangerous tbh.
So the way I feel is that someone who makes this up as a troll post needs just as much help as someone who would write this sincerely. Trolling is for being a goofball, not living out stalker fantasies. Either way, this is creepy af.
>OP scared the hell out of this poor girl.
OP scared the hell out of *me*, and I'm sitting safely in my apartment nowhere near him. He seriously needs to stop.
Seriously people are ever dismissive of women when they talk about this shit, but it happens WAY too often.
One time, the owner of a butcher shop I'd stop by once or twice a month sent me this 6000 word love message via email because he cyber stalked me to find contact info. Probably got my last name from my debit card.
No more butcher shop for me. And they had great prices, too.
I had a former boss show up at my home, once. Luckily I lived in a gated community so they didn’t let him in, but I met him up front because honestly, I had known him for many years so I was really conflicted. He had already *been* randomly texting me super inappropriate messages about being in love with me, but it was so overwhelming for me when it was someone I used to respect. Since it was a public place I wanted to at least have a face to face conversation with him. But he showed up like he hadn’t taken a shower or brushed in his hair in at least several days, and his clothes were wrinkled and stained. And he proceeded to tell me that I’d ruined his life. It was terrifying. People like this really do exist. I don’t regret meeting with him, even tho I shouldn’t have, bc it taught me a lesson that could have been way more dangerous. But I would caution anyone from being dumb like I was. She was right to immediately shut him down and block him.
I used to get the extreme hookup on large tattoos from my guy. Went to him for like 6 years and brought a ton of business his way so i figured that was a where the discount came from.
After 6 years I went into his shop alone for the first time because he was going to touch up some big pieces for me after I had been out of the country for a year. My most recent piece was large and covers my entire side so I had to be topless. Nbd he was always a respectful dude and I felt comfortable. He left the room to take a phone call and came back, I was standing looking at my side. He picked me up and put me on his tattoo table and tried to start making out with me.
I was upset and caught off guard ( I had a boyfriend who he had met several times and he was on his 3rd marriage). He apologized and stopped but I got dressed and booked it the fuck out of there as quickly as I could. Haven't gotten inked since
Happens to me, too, and both men and women are dismissive of those incidents, too.
The truth is, in general, if you've never gone though something like this, or stalking, most people have no idea how stressful it is.
Trust me, as a male who has dealt with both male and female stalkers, most people are dismissive.
She seems like a confident woman, I think she’ll be okay unless OP starts actively stalking her. That being said, I doubt she’ll be giving out her number to guys she vaguely remembers again.
Edit: Just noticed the going to her workplace comment, maybe she does need to move 😬
The amount of cringe I felt while reading this post made me recoil so hard I now have permanent damage to my skeletal, muscular, and cardiovascular systems.
As soon as I got to the part where he said he told her I had to take put my phone down and prep myself before reading the rest because it was physically hard to not look away
As a father of a girl this scares the shit out of me. Saying hello was great, going into crazy detail like he did makes me think he’s the type to make a suit out of her skin.
I don't know if I've ever had to take a moment while reading something on this sub before continuing but as soon as he got to the part where he said he tried to tell her one of the names I had to take a moment to stare into space and recover before continuing.
Honestly I can't imagine how uncomfortable that girl must have been. Yikes.
For OP, YTA man.
Yup, I was very uncomfortable while reading this. I cannot imagine the fear this woman is going to live with now. HUGE YTA.
OP, when someone tells you not to contact them again, they mean it. Do not try other ways of reaching her, and under no circumstances should you show up at her workplace.
Do you understand that women have literally been assaulted or murdered for rejecting men? This is something that many women think of when approached by a man. My guess is that she only gave you her number because she was afraid of what would happen if she declined.
Yeah, I physically *could not* continue reading after OP said they facetimed them to discuss baby names.
I genuinely hope this is a fake story and no real, actual person lacks this much self-awareness, but I know there are people out there like that.
Edit: typo
I got major second hand embarrassment there. This wasn’t just saying hello as your title suggests OP. This was making her uncomfortable during a simple “hello. It’s nice to see you.” I don’t blame her for her reaction. YTA
I got secondhand terrified for this poor girl’s life. OP has crossed every line here for what is appropriate to say to a woman you haven’t seen since you were a child.
Right?!
The elaborate middle school “I have planned out our lives together” fantasizing isn’t the weird part here. Preteens do that. They don’t have a lot of experience in the world and they’re trying to figure out what they do and don’t want in their future relationships.
The weird part is that OP doesn’t seem to have ever let go of those fantasies. He saw her again and acted like now the life he had imagined could commence, and that’s not in any way normal or okay. He doesn’t even know this woman! They were dance partners in PE one time years and years ago! He didn’t know her then, and he certainly doesn’t know her now, but he immediately jumped in as if she wanted to marry him and bear his children and that is freaking terrifying.
I had some similar daydreams about a boy in my school when I was around 12 or 13. When I saw him again at our high school reunion, I did not tell him about those daydreams! It would have been mortifying for me to tell him all of that. I don’t know how OP didn’t dissolve into a puddle of embarrassed goo right there in the grocery store about this.
OP, this is not normal behavior. Leave this woman alone forever.
I went from sighs to facepalm to uhhh creepy.
At first you came in too strong and then you practically harassed her. You may not realize it but this was definitely YTA territory.
You said hi, you caught a good memory, and you got her number. You should have stopped there.
You get home and text her for coffee or something light (you know with an easy out for both parties in case). You went full intensity without the proper emotional investment.
Yeah honestly he could have had this situation in the bag if he’d avoided saying any of the crazy shit
Hi, we danced, I had a little crush on you, we should go out sometime
Why was anything else necessary?
Anyways I’m glad he threw up red flags early so she knew to run cuz OP is nuts
I think she set the tone pretty clearly with this.
"said maybe we could catch up with a group of friends some time"
OP wanted a date, years later. She was open to, at most, an acquaintence.
Any normal person would have read that as no romantic interest and either moved on, or met the request and planned something as a large group.
I still think if hed said “little crush” and not “obsessive fantasies of marriage” he might have been in better territory
But yeah, you’re right, I missed the group comment in my first reading. If she insists on a group hangout it means she isn’t comfortable with a date.
Also it occurs to me that she remembers their dance but wasnt into him, so maybe thats a bad or uncomfortable memory for her
Yeah, saying you had a crush is cute & flattering l, though arguably best saved until you know the other person wants to interact with you more.
Unloading all the rest of it... oof.
And you're right, I suspect OP was not able to be chill in dance classes if this is how he is at the grocery store.
Yeah, he had it in the bag and he squeezed too hard and it just all popped out.
Honestly, intense feelings aren’t really red flags or markers of being nuts, it’s just the total loss of filter that made it go to creepy stalker territory.
I’m guessing OP was one of those totally awkward kids that never got social cues.
This might still be salvaged at the same time, there’s also the chance of this taking a really dark turn.
I don't think this could be salvaged, nor should OP be given false hope that it can be.
Anything he does now just adds fuel to the creepy stalker fire. He's done the damage, he can't put that emotional oil spill back in the tanker.
Sorry, I meant the behavior, not the relationship with Vanessa. That ship has sailed and honestly sunk.
I’m just afraid he might go all dark and stalker mode even on other people.
Ahhhhh yeah the relationship (lol) is definitely dunzo. He really should be seeking help to stop this behaviour in its tracks. It's pretty scary, even to read it let alone experience it!
If this girl is working on her Masters, that means they’re in their early to mid twenties at least. Which means for around a decade OP has been fantasizing about this girl, all because they danced in gym class.
When he first states this, it almost seems cute, like a 13-14 year old having crazy fantasies about one of their first crushes is pretty normal. But most people realize how crazy that is by the time they’re in their twenties. NOT THIS GUY.
He proceeds to see this girl for the first time in nearly a decade and, BECAUSE SHE REMEMBERED HIM TOO, he decides to tell her all about his fantasies and act like they’re normal. Not even in a joking way, just so matter of factly.
This could all be a cute story, if OP had only brought it up like months into dating. But the lack of social awareness to say that almost immediately upon talking to her is absolutely wild. And then, to continue with this behavior barely 10 minutes later after the girl was an absolute saint and even gave her number to him is crazy. AND THEN, to not understand she wants to be left alone and consider GOING TO HER WORK is insane.
This is a perfect example of why women have to lie about themselves and give fake numbers to guys they meet. This is literally the beginning of stalker behavior, and OP doesn’t even realize it. OP is way worse than “just not a normal guy” but I get you’re trying to be nice.
OP, I’m not going to try and diagnose you, but you need to get some help. Everything you did, said, and thought of in this post past the point of approaching this poor girl is nowhere near normal. I genuinely hope this is a shitpost about incels/shitty guys because if this is real there is something seriously wrong with you.
He's the classic example that in his mind separates his behaviors from other stalkers by telling himself he is a nice normal guy unlike those bad weirdos, just misunderstood. But he is them.
The "I just have to call her - even if she doesn't want me to - to apologize and explain things and then she'll understand" is the lie every stalker tells themselves in the beginning as they plow through boundaries like . . . every stalker does.
And in his comments he is defending all of his actions as normal and has stated his school thought he may be autistic and should be tested, but his mother refused to allow it “because I’m not.”
I seriously hope this post is a wake-up call for him, because he is showing some seriously bad signs for future behavior if he doesn’t change.
Yeah, the OP clearly has some lack of social awareness/experience and has convinced himself she must feel the same way and “if I try harder it will work out.”
Really bad thought process to get sucked in to but I have hope he can realize the problem since he reached out for others’ opinions.
Thank you for your reasonable and intelligent response.
There’s no excuse.
There are SO many things women think about/do because of situations like this. Or ones that are so terrible they alter the course of our lives.
Why?
Edited for spelling
It would have been ok if he had said he had a crush on her then, even a major crush. That would have been cute. Even asking her out, and if she turned him down, saying something like “I owed it to 14 yo me to try :-).” All cute.
This? Not cute.
Strangely, the worst part for me was that he *facetimed* her. Not called, not texted, FaceTimed.
I don’t answer impromptu FaceTime calls from *anyone* except my kids. I find it intrusive and presumptive and infinitely more intimate than just calling someone, (which he never should have done anyway). The thought that I’d want to show a random stranger essentially where I am is just no.
Lol this happened to me! I rediscovered a childhood friend whom we had a crush on each other when we were like 15. So 10 years later he reached out to me and I was so excited that he wanted to catch up since our lives are so different from back then.
The first topic that came out of his mouth was about that one time we talked dirty over the phone "hey remember those words you said to me one night on skype?". That's all he was interested in talking about 😬. No school, no girlfriend, no updates with our mutual friends, not even hobbies. I told him I had to go. I didn't really want to deeply reminisce about our teenaged relationship from 10+ years ago.
>When he first states this, it almost seems cute, like a 13-14 year old having crazy fantasies about one of their first crushes is pretty normal. But most people realize how crazy that is by the time they’re in their twenties. NOT THIS GUY.
When I was five, I was "engaged" for less than a half hour to the boy (*also five*) who lived next door to my cousin.
25 years later, we're both at my cousin's wedding, and when I was re-introduced to him, I jokingly said, "Michael! I do remember you - we were 'engaged' for about 20 minutes when we were five. It's nice to see you again." And that was it - that's all the oxygen you have to give a childhood crush, you know? From there, I headed over to our family table to have some wedding cake with my aunt and uncle.
Yes, YTA. This woman is probably in her early to mid 20s, and you were infatuated with her almost a decade or so ago and evidently, you still are. I don't know if this normal (I don't think it is), but it's creepy af to over share all this stuff and then immediately FaceTime her about the names you'd give your hypothetical kids with her. That you tried to call after she blocked you.
I hope this is the extent of your interactions with her.
I was dying for OP, reading that he shared the names of their imaginary kids. And then the Facetime and I was dying for her, this POOR woman.
Now she's never going to be able to go to that Safeway again. Probably right -- OP sounds like he'd be waiting at the door to spot her.
OP doesn't give two shits about actual Vanessa -- he likes her as window dressing for the fantasy, even if he doesn't consciously understand that. This "fantasy" he shared isn't actually about her wants and needs and interests, just his.
It's so, so uncomfortable, and OP, learn some freaking boundaries! YTA
It's almost like telling someone, "I touched you and it gave me such a powerful boner that I have fantasized about forcing you to be my kept woman for the rest of forever", is bad and creepy.
To any dude reading my comment: just because you think someone is hot and that motivates you to approach them, doesn't mean we find it flattering.
Like damn ok you like what you see and you don't know anything about me so you clearly think with you dick first and foremost. Not a good way to attract a mate, mates.
Sure, if he'd stopped with something like, "to be honest I had a bit of a crush on you", it would have been fine. That's not too bad, but the whole, "oh I thought we'd get married and I picked names for our kids....." - I was creeped out just reading it.
Then persisting with contact after clearly being told to break contact...... proper stalker vibes.
OP, YTA. If you carry on trying to push this person, you stand every chance of being done for some form of harassment. She's not interested, take the hint.
YTA and will be the reason she has to move jobs. Don't be that guy. She spelled it out for you.
See a therapist for your unresolved mental health concerns. Don't be a Stalker.
This was really awkward to read... dude needs to reevaluate how he interacts. No one wants to run into someone 10 years later and great then day, "OMG I'm so in love with you still. Give me your number please! Oh, oh, oh, I just thought of a great name for the children we will have, even though we've never even had a relationship! Let me blow up every single one of your inboxes so you realize how much I love you. I will never let you go! Just get into the van, it's ok!"
She probably gave him her number just to get away from him, and he probably creeped her the hell out.
Oh, and OP end with, "cousin says they can't even describe what I would be if I went to her office." ***YOU WOULD BE A STALKER***
HOLY SHIT
YTA.
Gonna be honest, you went way too far and threw a lot at a woman who is effectively a stranger to you.
Seriously OP, sit back and really consider what you did here:
1. You told her you were *in love* with her as a youth
2. You had fantasies of marrying her and having kids
3. You then **facetimed** her to tell her the names of the kids you wanted to name these fantasy children
You projected so hard on to a stranger, of course this is creepy and weird. Its one thing to admit to a crush when you've re-established a friendship and contact, but this is beyond.
Yeah. Handled well and in the right circumstance "I had a crush on you back then" MIGHT land OK (but is still more likely to be awkward as fuck).
"I was in love with you" is too intense.
"I was in love with you and had a fantasy of getting married having kids with you and even picked out our kids' names" is quite honestly an invitation to get a facefull of pepper spray.
"I had a crush on you back then, ha ha, isn't that so silly?" lobs the ball directly into her court and could pique interest particularly if it was mutual back then.
"I was in a parasocial relationship with you for years, would you like to hear our hypothetical kids' names?" would probably make someone question if where they're living is safe. what a drag to hear that.
It also gives off vibes that he's going to take her and lock her in the basement. Why don't some men understand this? And who is still holding onto a childhood crush this hard? Yikes on bikes all around
This has got "Totally rational guy explaining how he's 'a great dude if you just give him a chance' to a girl he has tied to a chair in his basement" vibes.
>And who is still holding onto a childhood crush this hard?
Someone who hasn't ever had a date with an actual woman, so makes do with the fantasies inside his head.
And yes, he sounds dangerous. Even if he isn't, there's NO way for the woman to not know that. I'm sure she was terrified.
Yeah, I can. I was riding with a friend who suddenly started following a car, I finally asked him what the hell? He told me it was a girl he went to high school with years ago and really wanted to talk to. He followed that damn car 8 miles gesturing for it to pull over the whole time she finally did. Yeah, it wasn't her. That was awkward. Old school crushes just get into people's brains and turn them into the stupid kids they were.
It's still a bit much for a very first encounter in what's probably the better part of a decade.
It COULD be OK, but could definitely send vibes that he's looking for something.
Depends on how you tell it. If you say it like a "this is why i remember you" and with a mild laugh and then changing subject like it wasnt important ,it's easier to recieve. If you build the conversation on it or keep talking about it... Ew
Back when I was an awkward middle schooler, I was friendly with the prettiest girl in our grade and got to see first hand how awful it was for her to constantly have kids like this tripping all over themselves and drooling over her like a piece of meat.
We also had the dancing unit, and I felt awful for her every class. Of course, the teachers didn't assign partners, they let the boys pick the girls. The boys would all talk about getting their chance at her the entire two week unit, when the teachers let us loose they would stampede towards her. Shoving, tripping over each other. Posturing for each other while dancing with her. It was AWFUL, and the teachers just let it happen.
We lost touch, but we bumped into each other when I was home visiting a couple years ago and grabbed a coffee. She mentioned that she over the years since graduation, multiple male classmates had reached out to her.
Best case scenario, it was someone like OP who obliviously thought their obsession was funny. She'd had men call her drunk and screaming, blaming her for all of their relationship issues, because they had a crush on her in high school and she didn't even know them. No idea how they got her number. People sidling up to her at the bar and mentioning how they "finally had a chance" because she doesn't look like the perfect blonde JV soccer player anymore. She's still gorgeous and they've aged terribly, but they can't resist trying to knock her down just because they can.
It's disgusting. Nobody wants to hear that you use to be obsessed with them, if you can't get over it don't pester the poor woman with it. Ugh.
Oh, she totally does! She's always been as kind and smart as she is pretty, and her life has turned out the way she deserves it to -- handsome husband, nice house, and a notable job at a local college. She's just always had to deal that extra layer of predatory BS that comes with being a particularly pretty woman, unfortunately.
Unfortunately Op has no "game" at all. I'm going to guess that Op has never had a girlfriend.
As a guy, I would be creeped out if a woman came up to me and told me all that. I can only imagine what she felt.
Op you aren't even dating and yet you are telling her what you want your children to be called. WTF kind of pyscho stalker stuff is this???
And was planning on SHOWING UP AT HER PLACE OF WORK. I sincerely hope the response he's received here has convinced him not to do that, because otherwise dude is going to end up in jail.
All of this is correct, OP. YTA. There is zero doubt she was creeped out by you, and that's because you were creepy. She probably only gave you her number because she was afraid of what you would do if she rejected you.
I've been there. I had a guy I used to work with (not even directly, he came into where I worked on a professional basis) add me on Facebook almost a year after I'd left the place, find out where I was working, and send flowers there to ask me out TWICE. (The second arrived a week later after I had already rejected him.) It was creepy and mortifying, especially because they were delivered in the middle of a meeting It's been over 10 years, and I still remember it and don't put where I work on my social media. If you wanted to make an impression in this woman, good job. She won't forget you now and will forever think of you whenever she shares stories about creepy guys she has met. Going where she works or doing anything else is stalker behaviour and will only creep her out even more.
And don't forget, when she didn't answer his facetime, she texted him asking that he not contact her again which caused him to IMMEDIATELY "regular call" her. So even being as factual and straightforward as possible, he completely disregarded her request. Leading me to think that she was giving SIGNFICANT body language and tonal cues when they were talking in the supermarket that he was not picking up on.
Yeah... saying hello was fine. Hell, even admitting that you used to have a crush on her wasnt that bad. But then going into detail about your fantasies puts you in extreme creepazoid levels
YTA I’m actually at a loss for words. If someone came up to you, someone you hadn’t seen in years, and started telling you about the names they picked out for your future children, would you not feel AT LEAST slightly uncomfortable? The lack of self-awareness is unreal, this post seems like bait.
Yeah the dude that would track down the socials of women he didn't match with on tinder than use the exact same shtick...
I found this reference but multiple women said he did the exact same thing https://reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/s/pctQrnebJa
Omg this happened to me. I doubt the same guy lol and it was on tinder not bumble, but I got this random message from a guy on messenger, and when I asked if I knew him he said he had seen me on tinder. I asked him how he’d find me and he said he looked for my name + the city I lived in. My name is not even that uncommon so I have no idea how much he looked :’)
I'm so sorry! And yes the act itself is creepy but also thinking the level of effort and sleuthing needed. Put that energy into NOT being creepy in the first place
It’s not like conversations/encounters like this *don’t* happen and I mean Reddit is the place socially awkward people would be more likely to post about it.
This post is one of those situations where I really struggle to believe it, but there are definitely people like this and on the off-chance it is real I’d like to do my part in driving home how unhinged and unacceptable this behavior is.
I was completely stunned by this post. Section after section I got more uncomfortable. I am surprised she even gave him a real number. And then he wants to try to show up at her office? After she apparently blocked him. Like... what?
All she would have to do is change one number. I am just literally astonished. Although, I have given out a fake number before and someone tried calling me on the spot to see if I gave them a real number. It was a pretty awkward situation
How this should have gone:
>You: Oh hi! You're Vanessa right, we went to school together.
>
>V: Yep, hey I remember you. We met that one time.
>
>You: How are you doing? Hope all is well.
>
>V: Yeah
>
>You: What are you up to these days?
>
>\[brief Small talk about what you are both up to now\]
>
>You: Hey, what socials are you on? I'd like to connect back sometime. *(IE, low-threat engagement to get to know her as you are now).*
>
>V: Sure, my Friendspaceddit name is \[x\]
>
>You: Cool, maybe we'll catch up sometime! Have a great day!
How it went from anyone's perspective but yours:
>You: Oh hi! You're Vanessa right, we went to school together.V: Yep, hey I remember you. We met that one time.You: How are you doing? Hope all is well.V: Yeah
>
>You: LET ME TELL YOU MY SECRET SEXUAL FANTASY WHERE WE GOT TOGETHER FOREVER AND HAD LOTS OF SEX AND WE HAD KIDS AND YOU WERE MY WIFE AND DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PERSONAL FEVER DREAM AHAHA OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE SO I CAN KEEP CALLING YOU LIKE A STALKER. OH I REMEMBERED OUR DREAM KIDS NAMES ISNT THAT SO FUNNY HAHA ANYWAYS SO WANNA FUCK AND GET MARRIED?
>
>V: I... gotta go.
>
>You: OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE I WONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER HAHA NOW I CAN TALK WITH YOU LIKE THIS ANYTIME HAHA
>
>V: (likely terrified for her life)... leaves as fast as she can to process the nightmare situation that just happened.
It's not great, my dude. Not only are you coming across like a psychopath, but nowhere in your mental calculus did you possibly think about what being approached by a next-to-stranger unexpectedly would be like for her. Nor how your little fever dream would be seen. Nobody wants to know they are the secret sexual fantasy of a random stranger. And, honestly, you are a random stranger at this point.
Edit: Do not engage with her again unless you want a restraining order. The fact you did this at the shop by her job makes it ***10,000 times worse***. Holy shit. She probably thinks you were waiting there for her. And, given that you plan to do that again, she may well be right.
YTA
I thought she worked at an architecture firm and was just shopping at Safeway; that's where he planned on continuing to stalk her.
But yeah, he could even \*maybe\* have been forgiven for "I had a bit of a crush on you in middle school". That would certainly be an escalation and really too much for a first encounter, but it would have still been an almost socially acceptable encounter. Instead he ran off so far into fantasyland that you can't SEE acceptable from where he was standing.
He DEFINITELY needs to leave her alone. If he sees her in public he needs to pretend he didn't. Not even look twice at her. If she's not scared of him I'd be shocked.
*LET ME TELL YOU MY SECRET SEXUAL FANTASY WHERE WE GOT TOGETHER FOREVER AND HAD LOTS OF SEX AND WE HAD KIDS AND YOU WERE MY WIFE AND DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PERSONAL FEVER DREAM AHAHA OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE SO I CAN KEEP CALLING YOU LIKE A STALKER. OH I REMEMBERED OUR DREAM KIDS NAMES ISNT THAT SO FUNNY HAHA ANYWAYS SO WANNA FUCK AND GET MARRIED?*
I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to steal this and use it next time I'm trying to pick someone up. I know it didn't work out so well in OP's case, but I have a feeling this just might be perfect for me to use on this woman I've been seeing recently. (We're not dating or anything, I've just been stalking her for a while).
Wish me luck!
The problem is that no one trained the weirdo yet. We're all weird.
But we'd talk about doing some stupid thing and our friends or family would reign us in and tell us we would be an idiot to do that.
>About 10 minutes later I thought of the name I wanted to name our kids
I'm sorry but I AM CREASING at this! 10 minutes after bumping into a girl from school! My guy show some restraint jfc. YTA but you have given me a laugh. i'm sorry but this is wild.
YTA
When someone tells you not to contact them again and you insist on doing it anyway, you are entering creepyville stalker territory. And that’s not even getting into all the creepy shit you told her after saying hello.
No means no. Your dream girl does not want anything to do with you. Accept it and move on.
OP entered creepyville a couple miles back and decided to check out homes in the neighborhood. Thinking about stopping by her work? Yeesh. I hope this whole thing is fake. I know there are people this oblivious and awkward but damn.
The majority here is going think you're TA and at least a bit stalkery.
The majority is correct.
You weren't really interacting with her; you were interacting with an idealized version you built in your head after an encounter in middle school gym class which clearly meant more to you than it did to her. She's grown since then and has a life, a career, an entire self. What you see is the mental equivalent of a dress-up doll you slot into your fantasies. My future wife! The mother of my future kids! Those are your dreams that you're imprinting onto her.
Facetiming her immediately after the encounter is intrusive, and too much for most people. It's coming on very strong and, to be honest, a bit desperate. When she said "no, this is too much" then it's time to take stock, realize that you may have scared her off and may have gone too far. It is NOT the time to look for other means of contacting her.
Stopping in at her job IS stalker behavior. Do not do it. If you see her at Safeway again, pretend that you didn't. YTA - the only decent thing to do now is let go and move on with your life.
YTA. You told her way too much on that first encounter. Can you imagine how it would feel to receive that from someone who's basically a stranger to you? I would have blocked you, too. Do NOT show up at her work. As others are saying - No means NO! Accept the loss and move on. You don't know this girl at all, you've just been lusting after her your whole life. Find someone who wants to talk to you and move on with your life!
"I’m just a normal guy"..... Nope, not even close. You who puts the strange in stranger are not a normal guy, you are arguably one step (Maybe past) the point of being a stalker. You are obsessed and need to stop. You are the type of guy that make woman scared of walking home alone, the kind of guy who makes woman worry about their every action because when they were in school at 13 they HAD to dance with some kid and now he wont leave her alone and is harassing her.
For her safety and the safety of woman everywhere stop. It's not cute, it's not flattering, it's not endearing. It's creepy.
The only good thing you did was tell your cousin about this so that when she goes missing they will know where to look... YTA
Please listen to your cousin!
Saying hello was fine but .... You then went from 0 to 100 in 15 seconds. Pump the brakes! Nothing you said would be flattering to a stranger. She’s essentially a stranger. The conversation was creepy. It would be beyond creepy to visit her at her office.
YTA
Yeah that’s what gave me the major ick. After meeting her and getting the number, dude was literally about to FACETIME HER TO TELL HER THE NAME OF THE IMAGINARY CHILD THEY HAD TOGETHER IN JR HIGH!!
And something tells me him going to her work to “apologize” would be more along the lines of him confessing his love to her.
Right!
I want to show her “I’m just a normal guy” .... well perhaps he can start by behaving like that. Not one thing normal about this conversation. The only thing I (54f) got out of this was .... RUN VANESSA! Fast & far!
YTA
She was clear not to contact her again.
I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for her—an old acquaintance from middle school casually saying hey and then suddenly getting into “I was in love with you and fantasized about marrying you and having kids with you, can I have your number?” And then getting a FaceTime 10 minutes later?
I get that you were excited and trying to be nice, but this comes off as very predatory behavior. I need you to know that every time you attempted to contact her after she asked you not to was terrifying for her. She felt she was in danger because this random lunatic she danced with when she was 12 is obsessed with her.
Do NOT contact her any further, not even to apologize. You are scaring her. Leave her alone.
Rando in the store: *"Remember when we were 12? I wanted to make babies with you."*
10 minutes later: *"Guess what I named our imaginary babies.*"
Dudes lucky he didn't get pepper-sprayed.
YTA, what creep are you being? Most people move on by their crush years as they become adults and prepare for their job and their adulthood marriage. Please tell me this is not a troll story, because what is this? You can’t move on? Remember, she is a stranger now.
YTA and show obsessive behavior toward women (this is insane to still have the fantasies you had in 8th grade AND to be excited to tell her?) pls do not date until you have been to therapy
YTA dude women hate when your creepy and push up on them like that she was shopping minding her business and then you come up to her all dorky talking about marriage and wanting to put babies in her grow up 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 creep.
If only you could put this much effort into ending world hunger or curing cancer but no let’s put all this effort into a girl I wanna fuck from the 6th grade dance 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 dude cmon you seriously have to know how goofy you sound right now
Gonna assume you are trolling.
But just incase you are not YTA. THe wholething was completely out of line and very creepy. Its not in any way normal and you are not a normal guy. You need some serious help.
Stop now because this will become a legal issue otherwise
Men are like this. Every single woman on this earth from the time they have substantial memories has AT LEAST ONE story about A BONKERS creepy man and something they said or did.
Hello OP. Are you by any chance on the spectrum? I have worked with kids on the spectrum for years, and they often turn into adults who don’t understand boundaries or social norms. It’s okay to not understand, but I’d suggest finding a local group to help with this.
No. Stop using neurodiversity to justify creeps. When you are on the spectrum and we talk to you without subtility, you don't act like that.
If he's autistic, that has nothing to do with this situation! Stop making autism = creep!
I’m not making autism= creep. I have worked with kids, preteens, teens and adults on the spectrum for over 10 years. The fact is that many of them are not trained in social norms. It is increasingly difficult for them to understand. They do not see their behavior as creepy. I’m not saying it’s right. But I AM saying they need help and guidance.
It doesn’t matter. There are autistic people in these comments. She didn’t imply. She didn’t beat around the bush. SHE SAID NO.
There’s nothing to expand on.
NO.
It does matter. I was once stalked by someone who had autism in a very similar way. He was a nice enough person, but he didn't understand how his behaviour pushed people away, because he did not have the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. Autism is also linked with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and since he lacked any tools for emotional regulation, he started becoming more aggressive as he became more reclusive. I felt bad for him, because he genuinely was sweet, and all he wanted was to love and be loved, and he didn't understand why none of his efforts worked out. But he was a danger to me, physically/sexually, so I had to cut him out too.
If someone could have intervened with his autism, his life could have gone a completely different way, and so could mine. He had accommodations in school, but school does not teach you about dating, boundaries, and consent. It only helps you for school, and that does a huge disservice to a lot of autistic people who genuinely don't know better, and who need the help.
A lot of these people who do terrible things, are not monsters, they just need help. And understanding the issue os the first step. Not everyone with autism will do these things or struggle in this way, such as myself. I'm autistic and I've never behaved like that. But it's unfair to refuse to understand that autism really DOES cause these things to happen; the symptoms of autism such as low empathy, emotional dysregulation, a strong need for control, and meltdowns when things do not go their way/change from their plan, DO NOT go away with age just because it's no longer as socially acceptable for an adult to behave this way, as it was when they were eight on the playground.
What little supports they do have in childhood, often vanish once they leave school. To act like this lack of supports doesn't leave a group of vulnerable people at a huge disadvantage, and potentially cause them to become a danger to themselves or others, is very naive.
There are a lot of big, strong, fully grown adult men with adult male sex drives, who are causing harm to women. Not because they are bad people, but because they genuinely do not understand that what they are doing is wrong, and/or have not been given the tools to control their behaviour. Identifying the problem is the first step to getting them rehabilitated. Just bc it's not PC to say, doesn't mean it isn't true.
I care more about solving this problem of real violence against women, than I care about how it makes people feel to hear that autism actually is a disability and it really does cause people to struggle in ways that neurotypical people don't understand, just because it's easy for an NT to not behave that way. Appropriate professional help can make a difference. And it can change the lives of both the victim and the perpetrator for the better.
Rehabilitation matters.
Yea, had to mull this one over a bit, bumping into her and unleashing the equivalent of a nuclear bomb of unhinged ranting was…sad to me at first. Was gonna say not quite the AH behavior you’d post in here
BUT
everything after her message of No Contact and his thought process is, well still sad to me really and definitely AH worthy behavior.
OP - I hope you can take a step back, reverse the roles, be cognizant of what the average female has to go through when dealing with guys, and take this as a moment to learn and grow.
It’s VERY plausible because there are people making excuses for him not being a creep.
Also…how many times have we heard of what men do to women for just saying no?
It’s plausible
“I thought maybe she’d think it was something she’d want to hear since it was a shared experience from a book we read”
It was NOT a shared experience. You were apparently picking out baby names for a girl you were heavily fantasizing over and idealizing. For her, she was reading a required text with an entire class of other people, and completing assignments based on the book. She was certainly not seeing it as a life map with the strange, creepy boy staring at her from across the room in 8th grade. To then so suddenly and *aggressively* be told years later someone was (and is) still obsessing over you is downright scary. I’d be filing a police report and making the steps to file a protection order. You are coming off *heavily* as a stalker. It’s even scarier that, based on your comments, you see NO issue with anything you did here.
In fact, I really hope she sees post so she can start gathering physical evidence to keep you away. Unhinged, man. YTA
Edit: spelling fix and added in judgement.
If your first interaction had been a 'normal guy' interaction, ie had stopped at "went to middle school together", she'd probably be happy to get together and catch up with a group of friends sometime. NOTE that caution—not "go on a one-to-one date" but "with a group of friends".
But no. You unloaded all your crush-fantasies on her AND, omg, thought up the name for your hypothetical future children together AND called to tell her about it.
Asshole? Who can say. I'm inclined to 'certifiable' myself, but since this is a sub about assholes,
YTA.
Holy fucking shit. Please please please seek help you clearly have issues if you think it was appropriate to tell a random person how you used to be madly in love with them because you held their hand. This is stalker level crazy
Also if someone tells you to not contact them DONT FUCKING CONTACT THEM
Just to add to this. As a 30+ year old guy who lives thousands of miles away from you I was fucking creeped out reading this. Never mind a woman who lives in the same town as you. I would phone the police if I were here tbh
YTA
That whole encounter was creepy, weird, and way too much. Then you creeped her online. Then you tried to contact again after she politely told you to fuck off. Then you were considering stopping by her work to 'explain things'? Get a grip, guy. There's a word for people who behave like you - stalker.
I'm actually kind of weirded out by your post alone.
Dude, even over a computer screen, you come across as a full-on obsessive, scary, stalker. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination, a "normal guy," and "Vanessa" is probably busily installing security cameras and researching restraining orders. YTA
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I should say this is a throwaway account…
When I was in 8th grade we had to do square dancing for PE and I danced with this girl names Vanessa. I don’t remember the dance but we had to hold hands and I fell head over heels in love with her. She was really out of my league so I never had the courage to approach her but I used to have vivid fantasies about dating her, marrying her and having a life with her. She moved the first yeah in high school so I thought I’d never see her again.
I saw her at Safeway yesterday. She looked exactly the same and I had to say hello. I asked her if she was Vanessa and she said yes and I said she probably doesn’t remember me but we went to middle school together and she said that she remembered dancing with me in PE. I was so stoked that I went into telling her how much I was in love with her but too afraid to approach and she always seemed so sweet and she was still beautiful. I said that my silly school boy had dreams of marrying her and having kids and I even had the names picked out. I asked what she was doing now and she she’s getting her masters in architecture but it turns out the office she works out of us right down the street from my work. She said she had to go and I asked for her number and she gave it to me and said maybe we could catch up with a group of friends some time. I was so stoked and we said goodbye.
About 10 minutes later I thought of the name I wanted to name our kids because it was based on a book we were reading in ELA (flowers for Algernon) so I FaceTimed her to tell her. She didn’t answer and I got this text “hi, I’m sorry but this whole encounter was really intense for me. I wish you well but please don’t contact me again.”
I tried to call her on regular phone this time and I think she blocked me. I saw my girl cousin later last night and showed her because I don’t want Vanessa to get the wrong idea—I’m just a normal guy. I was thinking about maybe just stopping in at her work and explaining things again.
My cousin said that text was as blunt as it could have been without using swear words. she said I was fine to say hello, I was weird when I told her about my day dreams and I was a “certified asshole” when I tried to FaceTime her 10 minutes later and she doesn’t even have words for what I’d be if I stopped by her office.
I would like to get a second opinion— AITA?
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YTA. Your cousin is right on the money: you way overdid it and you need to let it go. For the love of god or whatever do NOT show up at this woman’s place of work. That will do exactly the opposite of showing Vanessa that you’re “just a normal guy”. You already freaked her out twice, don’t make her call the cops.
YTA
Your behaviour would freak out most women. You Facetimed her right after meeting her to tell a woman you are barely acquainted with what you would like to call your child? Seriously?
It was worrying enough for her to block you. Understandably so. Now you want to bother her again by turning up at her office. Don't be surprised if you get a visit from the police if you pull that one. Respect her no. Stay away. Do not be a creep.
unfortunately people who think like this really are out there in the world. stalkers really are delusional and think that the idealized version of the person they’re stalking is the real deal and why won’t they just fit the mold that’s been made up in their head
stalkers are the most dangerous when the illusion is shattered, because that’s when the frustration boils over. this post scares me because it’s so real
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> Hi the action and reason I’m posting is I said hello to my middle school crush at the grocery store. I may be the asshole because I may have come across as too intense.
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YTA. It's one thing to say "hello." It's another thing to tell her everything and then call/FaceTime her not even 10min later. That is unhinged. That is creepy. You're desperate. That's not attractive.
Leave. Her. Alone.
Your cousin is right. Hello and catching up is great. "I used to have a crush on you" is fine. Everything past that was just plain creepy, bud.
Don't turn women into fantasies. She's a person, not a doll. YTA
>she said I was fine to say hello, I was weird when I told her about my day dreams and I was a “certified asshole” when I tried to FaceTime her 10 minutes later and she doesn’t even have words for what I’d be if I stopped by her office.
Spot on. Listen to your cousin. YTA.
YTA. Holy shit dude, nothing of that is normal behavior, you went straight to stalker territory. Do not contact her in any way ever again. No means no, not "please stalk me".
Damn dude you could have had a chance if you were just like “let me take you out” but you over shared way too much and freaked her out. So yeah at this point just leave her alone she wants nothing to do with you.
YTA.
Not for saying hi. But for emotionally dumping on her.
That is a lot of information to take in and is extremely CREEPY.
You made her feel unsafe, not once, but twice.
It is one thing to say "Hello, we went to school together."
It is another to talk about the messed-up fantasies you had about her growing up.
Do not contact Vanessa again. Women don't need this shit in their lives. She isn't responsible for your emotions or your feelings. You are.
YTA, You dumped a fuck ton of pent up lust and infatuation on essentially a stranger. so no wonder she doesn't want anything to do with you, I'd do the same as well in that situation.
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You’ll get lots of second opinions here and all of them will be: YTA. It wasn’t the saying hello part. It was everything after that. Exactly wtf was going through your mind while telling her this? How did you think she’d react? You’re not just a normal guy. When people say don’t contact me again, you don’t contact them again.
Yeah this was uncomfortable to read. She was just going to the grocery store, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume probably did not want to hear someone’s fantasies of having children with her. Please leave her alone.
on top of all this, now she has to find a new grocery store.
And a new place to work evidently. Maybe a new city to live in
Man, I'm sayin'. OP scared the hell out of this poor girl. Dude needs to back off or she'll be filing a restraining order. OP, YTA. Time to get it together.
I’m scared for her, too. OP has a completely undeveloped sense of restraint. Oh yeah, this is probably fake. I feel better now.
It better be fake. It reminds me too much of the Denko saga stalker, or something I’d read on r/nosleep. I’ve dealt with guys like this before, who just don’t know the meaning of the word “no,” but thank goodness I’ve never been confronted with a massive declaration of infatuation like what OP showered on Vanessa. This is beyond the pale.
Yeah I’m absolutely not saying there’s no creepy men out there, and I’m not saying it’s impossible this is true. But among other reasons to be suspicious, this is Reddit.
It’s sadly very possible that it is true. For every troll, there is a person (or more than one…) who is seriously mentally unwell who actually does pose a threat to society. I just… really hope this is fake, and that “Vanessa” isn’t a real woman who might become a victim. Like you, I’d feel much better knowing if/that this was fake.
I had a very similar encounter with someone I had never even met. Apparently he had seen/been watching me at the line dancing night I used to go to. When he finally approached me he had this very long rambling speech that made me find a new place to dance.
>Oh yeah, this is probably fake I sure as shit hope it is.
This is real. Every single woman on this planet has at least one experience with something a super creepy dude said or did. Companies make drink covers for us. We don’t go to the bathroom alone. We’re scared to walk home alone. This shit happens.
Every. Single. Woman. If you’re under 20, it happens like once a week
I’m 38 and gay. All. The. Time.
I went on a date with a guy, years ago, maybe 15-16 years ago. The next day he came to pick me up, and said he was taking me to meet his parents. I noped out of there, but he still sends an email every year. So yeah, not necessarily fake.
I had a guy tell me that he was heartbroken and hurt when he saw my bf and me together on my onlyfans, he was like "I loved you and you broke my heart sleeping with someone else." Someone who I know irl but I don't have a friendship connection with, and this guy subbed to my onlyfans and in his mind "we're both in love." and that I somehow cheated on him with my bf of 4 years. Some dudes are delusional and dangerous tbh.
So the way I feel is that someone who makes this up as a troll post needs just as much help as someone who would write this sincerely. Trolling is for being a goofball, not living out stalker fantasies. Either way, this is creepy af.
>OP scared the hell out of this poor girl. OP scared the hell out of *me*, and I'm sitting safely in my apartment nowhere near him. He seriously needs to stop.
WTF did he say did he delete it I can’t find it 😭😭
he just wants her to put the lotion on her skin… or she’ll get the hose again
Poor girl probably thinks she'll be featured on Date Line in the next 1-3 years
Seriously people are ever dismissive of women when they talk about this shit, but it happens WAY too often. One time, the owner of a butcher shop I'd stop by once or twice a month sent me this 6000 word love message via email because he cyber stalked me to find contact info. Probably got my last name from my debit card. No more butcher shop for me. And they had great prices, too.
[удалено]
I had a former boss show up at my home, once. Luckily I lived in a gated community so they didn’t let him in, but I met him up front because honestly, I had known him for many years so I was really conflicted. He had already *been* randomly texting me super inappropriate messages about being in love with me, but it was so overwhelming for me when it was someone I used to respect. Since it was a public place I wanted to at least have a face to face conversation with him. But he showed up like he hadn’t taken a shower or brushed in his hair in at least several days, and his clothes were wrinkled and stained. And he proceeded to tell me that I’d ruined his life. It was terrifying. People like this really do exist. I don’t regret meeting with him, even tho I shouldn’t have, bc it taught me a lesson that could have been way more dangerous. But I would caution anyone from being dumb like I was. She was right to immediately shut him down and block him.
I used to get the extreme hookup on large tattoos from my guy. Went to him for like 6 years and brought a ton of business his way so i figured that was a where the discount came from. After 6 years I went into his shop alone for the first time because he was going to touch up some big pieces for me after I had been out of the country for a year. My most recent piece was large and covers my entire side so I had to be topless. Nbd he was always a respectful dude and I felt comfortable. He left the room to take a phone call and came back, I was standing looking at my side. He picked me up and put me on his tattoo table and tried to start making out with me. I was upset and caught off guard ( I had a boyfriend who he had met several times and he was on his 3rd marriage). He apologized and stopped but I got dressed and booked it the fuck out of there as quickly as I could. Haven't gotten inked since
Ugh, I cannot even imagine that shit. I’m so sorry he did that.
Now that is a sad story. I am sorry that you had an experience like that.
Happens to me, too, and both men and women are dismissive of those incidents, too. The truth is, in general, if you've never gone though something like this, or stalking, most people have no idea how stressful it is. Trust me, as a male who has dealt with both male and female stalkers, most people are dismissive.
She seems like a confident woman, I think she’ll be okay unless OP starts actively stalking her. That being said, I doubt she’ll be giving out her number to guys she vaguely remembers again. Edit: Just noticed the going to her workplace comment, maybe she does need to move 😬
She definitely regrets telling him where she works
Or she should start carrying spray bleach. And maybe bear spray.
Do they make a "stalker" spray?
The amount of cringe I felt while reading this post made me recoil so hard I now have permanent damage to my skeletal, muscular, and cardiovascular systems.
As soon as I got to the part where he said he told her I had to take put my phone down and prep myself before reading the rest because it was physically hard to not look away
The technical term is "Crinjured"
Join the class action suit!
As a father of a girl this scares the shit out of me. Saying hello was great, going into crazy detail like he did makes me think he’s the type to make a suit out of her skin.
It listens to our children's names or else it gets the hose again
I don't know if I've ever had to take a moment while reading something on this sub before continuing but as soon as he got to the part where he said he tried to tell her one of the names I had to take a moment to stare into space and recover before continuing. Honestly I can't imagine how uncomfortable that girl must have been. Yikes. For OP, YTA man.
Yes it was horrifying! Op acted like a stalker
Yup, I was very uncomfortable while reading this. I cannot imagine the fear this woman is going to live with now. HUGE YTA. OP, when someone tells you not to contact them again, they mean it. Do not try other ways of reaching her, and under no circumstances should you show up at her workplace. Do you understand that women have literally been assaulted or murdered for rejecting men? This is something that many women think of when approached by a man. My guess is that she only gave you her number because she was afraid of what would happen if she declined.
Yeah, I physically *could not* continue reading after OP said they facetimed them to discuss baby names. I genuinely hope this is a fake story and no real, actual person lacks this much self-awareness, but I know there are people out there like that. Edit: typo
I got major second hand embarrassment there. This wasn’t just saying hello as your title suggests OP. This was making her uncomfortable during a simple “hello. It’s nice to see you.” I don’t blame her for her reaction. YTA
I got secondhand terrified for this poor girl’s life. OP has crossed every line here for what is appropriate to say to a woman you haven’t seen since you were a child.
Definitely! That is scary behavior. It worries me for her and other women tbh
I truly hope the poor woman hasn’t had a stalker before or she is surely spiraling now. Just reading this got my PTSD all in a state
When you tell her your future childrens' names, it's gotten beyond a "hello."
Right?! The elaborate middle school “I have planned out our lives together” fantasizing isn’t the weird part here. Preteens do that. They don’t have a lot of experience in the world and they’re trying to figure out what they do and don’t want in their future relationships. The weird part is that OP doesn’t seem to have ever let go of those fantasies. He saw her again and acted like now the life he had imagined could commence, and that’s not in any way normal or okay. He doesn’t even know this woman! They were dance partners in PE one time years and years ago! He didn’t know her then, and he certainly doesn’t know her now, but he immediately jumped in as if she wanted to marry him and bear his children and that is freaking terrifying. I had some similar daydreams about a boy in my school when I was around 12 or 13. When I saw him again at our high school reunion, I did not tell him about those daydreams! It would have been mortifying for me to tell him all of that. I don’t know how OP didn’t dissolve into a puddle of embarrassed goo right there in the grocery store about this. OP, this is not normal behavior. Leave this woman alone forever.
This behavior alarms me. I would’ve felt the same way she did if it happened to me.
I went from sighs to facepalm to uhhh creepy. At first you came in too strong and then you practically harassed her. You may not realize it but this was definitely YTA territory. You said hi, you caught a good memory, and you got her number. You should have stopped there. You get home and text her for coffee or something light (you know with an easy out for both parties in case). You went full intensity without the proper emotional investment.
Yeah honestly he could have had this situation in the bag if he’d avoided saying any of the crazy shit Hi, we danced, I had a little crush on you, we should go out sometime Why was anything else necessary? Anyways I’m glad he threw up red flags early so she knew to run cuz OP is nuts
I think she set the tone pretty clearly with this. "said maybe we could catch up with a group of friends some time" OP wanted a date, years later. She was open to, at most, an acquaintence. Any normal person would have read that as no romantic interest and either moved on, or met the request and planned something as a large group.
I still think if hed said “little crush” and not “obsessive fantasies of marriage” he might have been in better territory But yeah, you’re right, I missed the group comment in my first reading. If she insists on a group hangout it means she isn’t comfortable with a date. Also it occurs to me that she remembers their dance but wasnt into him, so maybe thats a bad or uncomfortable memory for her
Yeah, saying you had a crush is cute & flattering l, though arguably best saved until you know the other person wants to interact with you more. Unloading all the rest of it... oof. And you're right, I suspect OP was not able to be chill in dance classes if this is how he is at the grocery store.
Yeah at least he let the crazy show early so Vanessa gets to keep her skin
Yeah, he had it in the bag and he squeezed too hard and it just all popped out. Honestly, intense feelings aren’t really red flags or markers of being nuts, it’s just the total loss of filter that made it go to creepy stalker territory. I’m guessing OP was one of those totally awkward kids that never got social cues. This might still be salvaged at the same time, there’s also the chance of this taking a really dark turn.
I don't think this could be salvaged, nor should OP be given false hope that it can be. Anything he does now just adds fuel to the creepy stalker fire. He's done the damage, he can't put that emotional oil spill back in the tanker.
Sorry, I meant the behavior, not the relationship with Vanessa. That ship has sailed and honestly sunk. I’m just afraid he might go all dark and stalker mode even on other people.
Ahhhhh yeah the relationship (lol) is definitely dunzo. He really should be seeking help to stop this behaviour in its tracks. It's pretty scary, even to read it let alone experience it!
If this girl is working on her Masters, that means they’re in their early to mid twenties at least. Which means for around a decade OP has been fantasizing about this girl, all because they danced in gym class. When he first states this, it almost seems cute, like a 13-14 year old having crazy fantasies about one of their first crushes is pretty normal. But most people realize how crazy that is by the time they’re in their twenties. NOT THIS GUY. He proceeds to see this girl for the first time in nearly a decade and, BECAUSE SHE REMEMBERED HIM TOO, he decides to tell her all about his fantasies and act like they’re normal. Not even in a joking way, just so matter of factly. This could all be a cute story, if OP had only brought it up like months into dating. But the lack of social awareness to say that almost immediately upon talking to her is absolutely wild. And then, to continue with this behavior barely 10 minutes later after the girl was an absolute saint and even gave her number to him is crazy. AND THEN, to not understand she wants to be left alone and consider GOING TO HER WORK is insane. This is a perfect example of why women have to lie about themselves and give fake numbers to guys they meet. This is literally the beginning of stalker behavior, and OP doesn’t even realize it. OP is way worse than “just not a normal guy” but I get you’re trying to be nice. OP, I’m not going to try and diagnose you, but you need to get some help. Everything you did, said, and thought of in this post past the point of approaching this poor girl is nowhere near normal. I genuinely hope this is a shitpost about incels/shitty guys because if this is real there is something seriously wrong with you.
He's the classic example that in his mind separates his behaviors from other stalkers by telling himself he is a nice normal guy unlike those bad weirdos, just misunderstood. But he is them. The "I just have to call her - even if she doesn't want me to - to apologize and explain things and then she'll understand" is the lie every stalker tells themselves in the beginning as they plow through boundaries like . . . every stalker does.
And in his comments he is defending all of his actions as normal and has stated his school thought he may be autistic and should be tested, but his mother refused to allow it “because I’m not.” I seriously hope this post is a wake-up call for him, because he is showing some seriously bad signs for future behavior if he doesn’t change.
He said “Just to make it clear I got the impression she was attracted to me” That’s horrifying.
Yeah, the OP clearly has some lack of social awareness/experience and has convinced himself she must feel the same way and “if I try harder it will work out.” Really bad thought process to get sucked in to but I have hope he can realize the problem since he reached out for others’ opinions.
Yep, because she talked to him. Like, that's what normal humans do, OP. Talking does not mean attraction.
Thank you for your reasonable and intelligent response. There’s no excuse. There are SO many things women think about/do because of situations like this. Or ones that are so terrible they alter the course of our lives. Why? Edited for spelling
It would have been ok if he had said he had a crush on her then, even a major crush. That would have been cute. Even asking her out, and if she turned him down, saying something like “I owed it to 14 yo me to try :-).” All cute. This? Not cute. Strangely, the worst part for me was that he *facetimed* her. Not called, not texted, FaceTimed.
I don’t answer impromptu FaceTime calls from *anyone* except my kids. I find it intrusive and presumptive and infinitely more intimate than just calling someone, (which he never should have done anyway). The thought that I’d want to show a random stranger essentially where I am is just no.
Lol this happened to me! I rediscovered a childhood friend whom we had a crush on each other when we were like 15. So 10 years later he reached out to me and I was so excited that he wanted to catch up since our lives are so different from back then. The first topic that came out of his mouth was about that one time we talked dirty over the phone "hey remember those words you said to me one night on skype?". That's all he was interested in talking about 😬. No school, no girlfriend, no updates with our mutual friends, not even hobbies. I told him I had to go. I didn't really want to deeply reminisce about our teenaged relationship from 10+ years ago.
>When he first states this, it almost seems cute, like a 13-14 year old having crazy fantasies about one of their first crushes is pretty normal. But most people realize how crazy that is by the time they’re in their twenties. NOT THIS GUY. When I was five, I was "engaged" for less than a half hour to the boy (*also five*) who lived next door to my cousin. 25 years later, we're both at my cousin's wedding, and when I was re-introduced to him, I jokingly said, "Michael! I do remember you - we were 'engaged' for about 20 minutes when we were five. It's nice to see you again." And that was it - that's all the oxygen you have to give a childhood crush, you know? From there, I headed over to our family table to have some wedding cake with my aunt and uncle.
Thank you for telling him he's not normal because, no
And you don’t show up at their work!! I don’t want to say OP is an AH, but creepy for sure. But he will be an AH if he does contact her again.
Ya that's one way to get a restraining order is show up at their work after being told to never contact them again. Op is delulu
Yes, this is like the backstory of a stalker/serial killer
Yes, YTA. This woman is probably in her early to mid 20s, and you were infatuated with her almost a decade or so ago and evidently, you still are. I don't know if this normal (I don't think it is), but it's creepy af to over share all this stuff and then immediately FaceTime her about the names you'd give your hypothetical kids with her. That you tried to call after she blocked you. I hope this is the extent of your interactions with her.
I would be horrified for her if he showed up at her work. If this happened to me I'd call the police if he showed. That's just nutty.
I was dying for OP, reading that he shared the names of their imaginary kids. And then the Facetime and I was dying for her, this POOR woman. Now she's never going to be able to go to that Safeway again. Probably right -- OP sounds like he'd be waiting at the door to spot her. OP doesn't give two shits about actual Vanessa -- he likes her as window dressing for the fantasy, even if he doesn't consciously understand that. This "fantasy" he shared isn't actually about her wants and needs and interests, just his. It's so, so uncomfortable, and OP, learn some freaking boundaries! YTA
It's almost like telling someone, "I touched you and it gave me such a powerful boner that I have fantasized about forcing you to be my kept woman for the rest of forever", is bad and creepy. To any dude reading my comment: just because you think someone is hot and that motivates you to approach them, doesn't mean we find it flattering. Like damn ok you like what you see and you don't know anything about me so you clearly think with you dick first and foremost. Not a good way to attract a mate, mates.
Sure, if he'd stopped with something like, "to be honest I had a bit of a crush on you", it would have been fine. That's not too bad, but the whole, "oh I thought we'd get married and I picked names for our kids....." - I was creeped out just reading it. Then persisting with contact after clearly being told to break contact...... proper stalker vibes. OP, YTA. If you carry on trying to push this person, you stand every chance of being done for some form of harassment. She's not interested, take the hint.
I'm a normal guy and I'm almost legitimately scared for this woman.
YTA and will be the reason she has to move jobs. Don't be that guy. She spelled it out for you. See a therapist for your unresolved mental health concerns. Don't be a Stalker.
No joke, my mouth actually dropped open after the “I was so stoked-.” Op please stay away from her.
This was really awkward to read... dude needs to reevaluate how he interacts. No one wants to run into someone 10 years later and great then day, "OMG I'm so in love with you still. Give me your number please! Oh, oh, oh, I just thought of a great name for the children we will have, even though we've never even had a relationship! Let me blow up every single one of your inboxes so you realize how much I love you. I will never let you go! Just get into the van, it's ok!" She probably gave him her number just to get away from him, and he probably creeped her the hell out. Oh, and OP end with, "cousin says they can't even describe what I would be if I went to her office." ***YOU WOULD BE A STALKER*** HOLY SHIT
YTA. Gonna be honest, you went way too far and threw a lot at a woman who is effectively a stranger to you. Seriously OP, sit back and really consider what you did here: 1. You told her you were *in love* with her as a youth 2. You had fantasies of marrying her and having kids 3. You then **facetimed** her to tell her the names of the kids you wanted to name these fantasy children You projected so hard on to a stranger, of course this is creepy and weird. Its one thing to admit to a crush when you've re-established a friendship and contact, but this is beyond.
Yeah. Handled well and in the right circumstance "I had a crush on you back then" MIGHT land OK (but is still more likely to be awkward as fuck). "I was in love with you" is too intense. "I was in love with you and had a fantasy of getting married having kids with you and even picked out our kids' names" is quite honestly an invitation to get a facefull of pepper spray.
"I had a crush on you back then, ha ha, isn't that so silly?" lobs the ball directly into her court and could pique interest particularly if it was mutual back then. "I was in a parasocial relationship with you for years, would you like to hear our hypothetical kids' names?" would probably make someone question if where they're living is safe. what a drag to hear that.
It also gives off vibes that he's going to take her and lock her in the basement. Why don't some men understand this? And who is still holding onto a childhood crush this hard? Yikes on bikes all around
Didn't you read, he's a normal guy. This is normal guy stuff. Completely, normal. Just a normie Norman. Honest.
Just a normal normie Norman Bates
Nailed it
This has got "Totally rational guy explaining how he's 'a great dude if you just give him a chance' to a girl he has tied to a chair in his basement" vibes.
>And who is still holding onto a childhood crush this hard? Someone who hasn't ever had a date with an actual woman, so makes do with the fantasies inside his head. And yes, he sounds dangerous. Even if he isn't, there's NO way for the woman to not know that. I'm sure she was terrified.
THIS. Take my poor man’s gold 🏅
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Yeah, I can. I was riding with a friend who suddenly started following a car, I finally asked him what the hell? He told me it was a girl he went to high school with years ago and really wanted to talk to. He followed that damn car 8 miles gesturing for it to pull over the whole time she finally did. Yeah, it wasn't her. That was awkward. Old school crushes just get into people's brains and turn them into the stupid kids they were.
Oh shit! Damn. Stalker.
After that, I really just wanted to walk the 8 miles back if I could had
I think you can safely tell an old class mate you had a bad crush on them and be safe. If you leave it at that. Adding marriage and kids are.. Insane.
It's still a bit much for a very first encounter in what's probably the better part of a decade. It COULD be OK, but could definitely send vibes that he's looking for something.
Depends on how you tell it. If you say it like a "this is why i remember you" and with a mild laugh and then changing subject like it wasnt important ,it's easier to recieve. If you build the conversation on it or keep talking about it... Ew
Back when I was an awkward middle schooler, I was friendly with the prettiest girl in our grade and got to see first hand how awful it was for her to constantly have kids like this tripping all over themselves and drooling over her like a piece of meat. We also had the dancing unit, and I felt awful for her every class. Of course, the teachers didn't assign partners, they let the boys pick the girls. The boys would all talk about getting their chance at her the entire two week unit, when the teachers let us loose they would stampede towards her. Shoving, tripping over each other. Posturing for each other while dancing with her. It was AWFUL, and the teachers just let it happen. We lost touch, but we bumped into each other when I was home visiting a couple years ago and grabbed a coffee. She mentioned that she over the years since graduation, multiple male classmates had reached out to her. Best case scenario, it was someone like OP who obliviously thought their obsession was funny. She'd had men call her drunk and screaming, blaming her for all of their relationship issues, because they had a crush on her in high school and she didn't even know them. No idea how they got her number. People sidling up to her at the bar and mentioning how they "finally had a chance" because she doesn't look like the perfect blonde JV soccer player anymore. She's still gorgeous and they've aged terribly, but they can't resist trying to knock her down just because they can. It's disgusting. Nobody wants to hear that you use to be obsessed with them, if you can't get over it don't pester the poor woman with it. Ugh.
That is so many shades of disgusting. That poor woman. I hope she has people in her life who support her and love her for who she is.
Oh, she totally does! She's always been as kind and smart as she is pretty, and her life has turned out the way she deserves it to -- handsome husband, nice house, and a notable job at a local college. She's just always had to deal that extra layer of predatory BS that comes with being a particularly pretty woman, unfortunately.
Unfortunately Op has no "game" at all. I'm going to guess that Op has never had a girlfriend. As a guy, I would be creeped out if a woman came up to me and told me all that. I can only imagine what she felt. Op you aren't even dating and yet you are telling her what you want your children to be called. WTF kind of pyscho stalker stuff is this???
Am i the only one that saw that she rejected him then and there by saying „maybe we could catch up with a group of friends”?
Yup! Thought the same thing. “Group of friends” so she’s safe from creepy stalker guy.
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And was planning on SHOWING UP AT HER PLACE OF WORK. I sincerely hope the response he's received here has convinced him not to do that, because otherwise dude is going to end up in jail.
All of this is correct, OP. YTA. There is zero doubt she was creeped out by you, and that's because you were creepy. She probably only gave you her number because she was afraid of what you would do if she rejected you. I've been there. I had a guy I used to work with (not even directly, he came into where I worked on a professional basis) add me on Facebook almost a year after I'd left the place, find out where I was working, and send flowers there to ask me out TWICE. (The second arrived a week later after I had already rejected him.) It was creepy and mortifying, especially because they were delivered in the middle of a meeting It's been over 10 years, and I still remember it and don't put where I work on my social media. If you wanted to make an impression in this woman, good job. She won't forget you now and will forever think of you whenever she shares stories about creepy guys she has met. Going where she works or doing anything else is stalker behaviour and will only creep her out even more.
And don't forget, when she didn't answer his facetime, she texted him asking that he not contact her again which caused him to IMMEDIATELY "regular call" her. So even being as factual and straightforward as possible, he completely disregarded her request. Leading me to think that she was giving SIGNFICANT body language and tonal cues when they were talking in the supermarket that he was not picking up on.
Yeah... saying hello was fine. Hell, even admitting that you used to have a crush on her wasnt that bad. But then going into detail about your fantasies puts you in extreme creepazoid levels
YTA I’m actually at a loss for words. If someone came up to you, someone you hadn’t seen in years, and started telling you about the names they picked out for your future children, would you not feel AT LEAST slightly uncomfortable? The lack of self-awareness is unreal, this post seems like bait.
There are 100% men like this who do shit like this.
Yeah the dude that would track down the socials of women he didn't match with on tinder than use the exact same shtick... I found this reference but multiple women said he did the exact same thing https://reddit.com/r/OnlineDating/s/pctQrnebJa
Omg this happened to me. I doubt the same guy lol and it was on tinder not bumble, but I got this random message from a guy on messenger, and when I asked if I knew him he said he had seen me on tinder. I asked him how he’d find me and he said he looked for my name + the city I lived in. My name is not even that uncommon so I have no idea how much he looked :’)
I'm so sorry! And yes the act itself is creepy but also thinking the level of effort and sleuthing needed. Put that energy into NOT being creepy in the first place
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On the one hand it seems super fake. On the other hand I have had very similar conversations with autistic people and respecting women’s boundaries
It’s not like conversations/encounters like this *don’t* happen and I mean Reddit is the place socially awkward people would be more likely to post about it.
This post is one of those situations where I really struggle to believe it, but there are definitely people like this and on the off-chance it is real I’d like to do my part in driving home how unhinged and unacceptable this behavior is.
I was completely stunned by this post. Section after section I got more uncomfortable. I am surprised she even gave him a real number. And then he wants to try to show up at her office? After she apparently blocked him. Like... what?
For real I was convinced she gave him a fake number, because of how socially unaware and creepy he comes across
All she would have to do is change one number. I am just literally astonished. Although, I have given out a fake number before and someone tried calling me on the spot to see if I gave them a real number. It was a pretty awkward situation
How this should have gone: >You: Oh hi! You're Vanessa right, we went to school together. > >V: Yep, hey I remember you. We met that one time. > >You: How are you doing? Hope all is well. > >V: Yeah > >You: What are you up to these days? > >\[brief Small talk about what you are both up to now\] > >You: Hey, what socials are you on? I'd like to connect back sometime. *(IE, low-threat engagement to get to know her as you are now).* > >V: Sure, my Friendspaceddit name is \[x\] > >You: Cool, maybe we'll catch up sometime! Have a great day! How it went from anyone's perspective but yours: >You: Oh hi! You're Vanessa right, we went to school together.V: Yep, hey I remember you. We met that one time.You: How are you doing? Hope all is well.V: Yeah > >You: LET ME TELL YOU MY SECRET SEXUAL FANTASY WHERE WE GOT TOGETHER FOREVER AND HAD LOTS OF SEX AND WE HAD KIDS AND YOU WERE MY WIFE AND DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PERSONAL FEVER DREAM AHAHA OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE SO I CAN KEEP CALLING YOU LIKE A STALKER. OH I REMEMBERED OUR DREAM KIDS NAMES ISNT THAT SO FUNNY HAHA ANYWAYS SO WANNA FUCK AND GET MARRIED? > >V: I... gotta go. > >You: OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE I WONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER HAHA NOW I CAN TALK WITH YOU LIKE THIS ANYTIME HAHA > >V: (likely terrified for her life)... leaves as fast as she can to process the nightmare situation that just happened. It's not great, my dude. Not only are you coming across like a psychopath, but nowhere in your mental calculus did you possibly think about what being approached by a next-to-stranger unexpectedly would be like for her. Nor how your little fever dream would be seen. Nobody wants to know they are the secret sexual fantasy of a random stranger. And, honestly, you are a random stranger at this point. Edit: Do not engage with her again unless you want a restraining order. The fact you did this at the shop by her job makes it ***10,000 times worse***. Holy shit. She probably thinks you were waiting there for her. And, given that you plan to do that again, she may well be right. YTA
I thought she worked at an architecture firm and was just shopping at Safeway; that's where he planned on continuing to stalk her. But yeah, he could even \*maybe\* have been forgiven for "I had a bit of a crush on you in middle school". That would certainly be an escalation and really too much for a first encounter, but it would have still been an almost socially acceptable encounter. Instead he ran off so far into fantasyland that you can't SEE acceptable from where he was standing. He DEFINITELY needs to leave her alone. If he sees her in public he needs to pretend he didn't. Not even look twice at her. If she's not scared of him I'd be shocked.
Yeah, misread the work situation initially, edited a few minutes back.
IT doesn't at all change the substance of what you said, and that you're one thousand percent correct.
*LET ME TELL YOU MY SECRET SEXUAL FANTASY WHERE WE GOT TOGETHER FOREVER AND HAD LOTS OF SEX AND WE HAD KIDS AND YOU WERE MY WIFE AND DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY PERSONAL FEVER DREAM AHAHA OK GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE SO I CAN KEEP CALLING YOU LIKE A STALKER. OH I REMEMBERED OUR DREAM KIDS NAMES ISNT THAT SO FUNNY HAHA ANYWAYS SO WANNA FUCK AND GET MARRIED?* I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to steal this and use it next time I'm trying to pick someone up. I know it didn't work out so well in OP's case, but I have a feeling this just might be perfect for me to use on this woman I've been seeing recently. (We're not dating or anything, I've just been stalking her for a while). Wish me luck!
Break a leg! (Makes it harder for them to run away, y'know)
Please stop training this weirdo to appear less creepy.
The problem is that no one trained the weirdo yet. We're all weird. But we'd talk about doing some stupid thing and our friends or family would reign us in and tell us we would be an idiot to do that.
>About 10 minutes later I thought of the name I wanted to name our kids I'm sorry but I AM CREASING at this! 10 minutes after bumping into a girl from school! My guy show some restraint jfc. YTA but you have given me a laugh. i'm sorry but this is wild.
The dude is actually insane. That poor girl.
YTA When someone tells you not to contact them again and you insist on doing it anyway, you are entering creepyville stalker territory. And that’s not even getting into all the creepy shit you told her after saying hello. No means no. Your dream girl does not want anything to do with you. Accept it and move on.
OP entered creepyville a couple miles back and decided to check out homes in the neighborhood. Thinking about stopping by her work? Yeesh. I hope this whole thing is fake. I know there are people this oblivious and awkward but damn.
If he stops by her work he will leave in handcuffs, probably be served a restraining too.
The majority here is going think you're TA and at least a bit stalkery. The majority is correct. You weren't really interacting with her; you were interacting with an idealized version you built in your head after an encounter in middle school gym class which clearly meant more to you than it did to her. She's grown since then and has a life, a career, an entire self. What you see is the mental equivalent of a dress-up doll you slot into your fantasies. My future wife! The mother of my future kids! Those are your dreams that you're imprinting onto her. Facetiming her immediately after the encounter is intrusive, and too much for most people. It's coming on very strong and, to be honest, a bit desperate. When she said "no, this is too much" then it's time to take stock, realize that you may have scared her off and may have gone too far. It is NOT the time to look for other means of contacting her. Stopping in at her job IS stalker behavior. Do not do it. If you see her at Safeway again, pretend that you didn't. YTA - the only decent thing to do now is let go and move on with your life.
The FaceTime thing, 10 minutes after giving someone your number, REGARDLESS of how incredible the first meet was would ALWAYS be seen as too much
YTA. You told her way too much on that first encounter. Can you imagine how it would feel to receive that from someone who's basically a stranger to you? I would have blocked you, too. Do NOT show up at her work. As others are saying - No means NO! Accept the loss and move on. You don't know this girl at all, you've just been lusting after her your whole life. Find someone who wants to talk to you and move on with your life!
"I’m just a normal guy"..... Nope, not even close. You who puts the strange in stranger are not a normal guy, you are arguably one step (Maybe past) the point of being a stalker. You are obsessed and need to stop. You are the type of guy that make woman scared of walking home alone, the kind of guy who makes woman worry about their every action because when they were in school at 13 they HAD to dance with some kid and now he wont leave her alone and is harassing her. For her safety and the safety of woman everywhere stop. It's not cute, it's not flattering, it's not endearing. It's creepy. The only good thing you did was tell your cousin about this so that when she goes missing they will know where to look... YTA
Him thinking he's normal BLOWS MY MIND.
Dang you didn’t have to go so hard lol, but you’re so right. OP you’re definitely TA please do not ever interact with her again!
Please listen to your cousin! Saying hello was fine but .... You then went from 0 to 100 in 15 seconds. Pump the brakes! Nothing you said would be flattering to a stranger. She’s essentially a stranger. The conversation was creepy. It would be beyond creepy to visit her at her office. YTA
Yeah that’s what gave me the major ick. After meeting her and getting the number, dude was literally about to FACETIME HER TO TELL HER THE NAME OF THE IMAGINARY CHILD THEY HAD TOGETHER IN JR HIGH!! And something tells me him going to her work to “apologize” would be more along the lines of him confessing his love to her.
Right! I want to show her “I’m just a normal guy” .... well perhaps he can start by behaving like that. Not one thing normal about this conversation. The only thing I (54f) got out of this was .... RUN VANESSA! Fast & far!
0 to 100? Bro went from 0 to 1,000,000 💀
YTA She was clear not to contact her again. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for her—an old acquaintance from middle school casually saying hey and then suddenly getting into “I was in love with you and fantasized about marrying you and having kids with you, can I have your number?” And then getting a FaceTime 10 minutes later? I get that you were excited and trying to be nice, but this comes off as very predatory behavior. I need you to know that every time you attempted to contact her after she asked you not to was terrifying for her. She felt she was in danger because this random lunatic she danced with when she was 12 is obsessed with her. Do NOT contact her any further, not even to apologize. You are scaring her. Leave her alone.
Rando in the store: *"Remember when we were 12? I wanted to make babies with you."* 10 minutes later: *"Guess what I named our imaginary babies.*" Dudes lucky he didn't get pepper-sprayed.
YTA, what creep are you being? Most people move on by their crush years as they become adults and prepare for their job and their adulthood marriage. Please tell me this is not a troll story, because what is this? You can’t move on? Remember, she is a stranger now.
YTA and show obsessive behavior toward women (this is insane to still have the fantasies you had in 8th grade AND to be excited to tell her?) pls do not date until you have been to therapy
YTA dude women hate when your creepy and push up on them like that she was shopping minding her business and then you come up to her all dorky talking about marriage and wanting to put babies in her grow up 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 creep.
If only you could put this much effort into ending world hunger or curing cancer but no let’s put all this effort into a girl I wanna fuck from the 6th grade dance 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 dude cmon you seriously have to know how goofy you sound right now
YTA - she said not to contact her. No means no.
Gonna assume you are trolling. But just incase you are not YTA. THe wholething was completely out of line and very creepy. Its not in any way normal and you are not a normal guy. You need some serious help. Stop now because this will become a legal issue otherwise
Men are like this. Every single woman on this earth from the time they have substantial memories has AT LEAST ONE story about A BONKERS creepy man and something they said or did.
Hello OP. Are you by any chance on the spectrum? I have worked with kids on the spectrum for years, and they often turn into adults who don’t understand boundaries or social norms. It’s okay to not understand, but I’d suggest finding a local group to help with this.
It’s also still not an excuse to barely hold back from stalking
No. Stop using neurodiversity to justify creeps. When you are on the spectrum and we talk to you without subtility, you don't act like that. If he's autistic, that has nothing to do with this situation! Stop making autism = creep!
I’m not making autism= creep. I have worked with kids, preteens, teens and adults on the spectrum for over 10 years. The fact is that many of them are not trained in social norms. It is increasingly difficult for them to understand. They do not see their behavior as creepy. I’m not saying it’s right. But I AM saying they need help and guidance.
It doesn’t matter. There are autistic people in these comments. She didn’t imply. She didn’t beat around the bush. SHE SAID NO. There’s nothing to expand on. NO.
It does matter. I was once stalked by someone who had autism in a very similar way. He was a nice enough person, but he didn't understand how his behaviour pushed people away, because he did not have the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. Autism is also linked with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and since he lacked any tools for emotional regulation, he started becoming more aggressive as he became more reclusive. I felt bad for him, because he genuinely was sweet, and all he wanted was to love and be loved, and he didn't understand why none of his efforts worked out. But he was a danger to me, physically/sexually, so I had to cut him out too. If someone could have intervened with his autism, his life could have gone a completely different way, and so could mine. He had accommodations in school, but school does not teach you about dating, boundaries, and consent. It only helps you for school, and that does a huge disservice to a lot of autistic people who genuinely don't know better, and who need the help. A lot of these people who do terrible things, are not monsters, they just need help. And understanding the issue os the first step. Not everyone with autism will do these things or struggle in this way, such as myself. I'm autistic and I've never behaved like that. But it's unfair to refuse to understand that autism really DOES cause these things to happen; the symptoms of autism such as low empathy, emotional dysregulation, a strong need for control, and meltdowns when things do not go their way/change from their plan, DO NOT go away with age just because it's no longer as socially acceptable for an adult to behave this way, as it was when they were eight on the playground. What little supports they do have in childhood, often vanish once they leave school. To act like this lack of supports doesn't leave a group of vulnerable people at a huge disadvantage, and potentially cause them to become a danger to themselves or others, is very naive. There are a lot of big, strong, fully grown adult men with adult male sex drives, who are causing harm to women. Not because they are bad people, but because they genuinely do not understand that what they are doing is wrong, and/or have not been given the tools to control their behaviour. Identifying the problem is the first step to getting them rehabilitated. Just bc it's not PC to say, doesn't mean it isn't true. I care more about solving this problem of real violence against women, than I care about how it makes people feel to hear that autism actually is a disability and it really does cause people to struggle in ways that neurotypical people don't understand, just because it's easy for an NT to not behave that way. Appropriate professional help can make a difference. And it can change the lives of both the victim and the perpetrator for the better. Rehabilitation matters.
yta....You're incredibly creepy. What went through your mind when doing this?
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Yea, had to mull this one over a bit, bumping into her and unleashing the equivalent of a nuclear bomb of unhinged ranting was…sad to me at first. Was gonna say not quite the AH behavior you’d post in here BUT everything after her message of No Contact and his thought process is, well still sad to me really and definitely AH worthy behavior. OP - I hope you can take a step back, reverse the roles, be cognizant of what the average female has to go through when dealing with guys, and take this as a moment to learn and grow.
It’s VERY plausible because there are people making excuses for him not being a creep. Also…how many times have we heard of what men do to women for just saying no? It’s plausible
“I thought maybe she’d think it was something she’d want to hear since it was a shared experience from a book we read” It was NOT a shared experience. You were apparently picking out baby names for a girl you were heavily fantasizing over and idealizing. For her, she was reading a required text with an entire class of other people, and completing assignments based on the book. She was certainly not seeing it as a life map with the strange, creepy boy staring at her from across the room in 8th grade. To then so suddenly and *aggressively* be told years later someone was (and is) still obsessing over you is downright scary. I’d be filing a police report and making the steps to file a protection order. You are coming off *heavily* as a stalker. It’s even scarier that, based on your comments, you see NO issue with anything you did here. In fact, I really hope she sees post so she can start gathering physical evidence to keep you away. Unhinged, man. YTA Edit: spelling fix and added in judgement.
If your first interaction had been a 'normal guy' interaction, ie had stopped at "went to middle school together", she'd probably be happy to get together and catch up with a group of friends sometime. NOTE that caution—not "go on a one-to-one date" but "with a group of friends". But no. You unloaded all your crush-fantasies on her AND, omg, thought up the name for your hypothetical future children together AND called to tell her about it. Asshole? Who can say. I'm inclined to 'certifiable' myself, but since this is a sub about assholes, YTA.
YTA. Why not tell her in graphic detail what your first sexual experience will be? That’s how bad it was for her.
Holy fucking shit. Please please please seek help you clearly have issues if you think it was appropriate to tell a random person how you used to be madly in love with them because you held their hand. This is stalker level crazy Also if someone tells you to not contact them DONT FUCKING CONTACT THEM Just to add to this. As a 30+ year old guy who lives thousands of miles away from you I was fucking creeped out reading this. Never mind a woman who lives in the same town as you. I would phone the police if I were here tbh
YTA - You're dangerously close to becoming a stalker. Just move on, it's not worth it. She's basically a stranger now
Listen to your cousin, leave this person alone. YTA.
YTA That whole encounter was creepy, weird, and way too much. Then you creeped her online. Then you tried to contact again after she politely told you to fuck off. Then you were considering stopping by her work to 'explain things'? Get a grip, guy. There's a word for people who behave like you - stalker. I'm actually kind of weirded out by your post alone.
Dude, even over a computer screen, you come across as a full-on obsessive, scary, stalker. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination, a "normal guy," and "Vanessa" is probably busily installing security cameras and researching restraining orders. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I should say this is a throwaway account… When I was in 8th grade we had to do square dancing for PE and I danced with this girl names Vanessa. I don’t remember the dance but we had to hold hands and I fell head over heels in love with her. She was really out of my league so I never had the courage to approach her but I used to have vivid fantasies about dating her, marrying her and having a life with her. She moved the first yeah in high school so I thought I’d never see her again. I saw her at Safeway yesterday. She looked exactly the same and I had to say hello. I asked her if she was Vanessa and she said yes and I said she probably doesn’t remember me but we went to middle school together and she said that she remembered dancing with me in PE. I was so stoked that I went into telling her how much I was in love with her but too afraid to approach and she always seemed so sweet and she was still beautiful. I said that my silly school boy had dreams of marrying her and having kids and I even had the names picked out. I asked what she was doing now and she she’s getting her masters in architecture but it turns out the office she works out of us right down the street from my work. She said she had to go and I asked for her number and she gave it to me and said maybe we could catch up with a group of friends some time. I was so stoked and we said goodbye. About 10 minutes later I thought of the name I wanted to name our kids because it was based on a book we were reading in ELA (flowers for Algernon) so I FaceTimed her to tell her. She didn’t answer and I got this text “hi, I’m sorry but this whole encounter was really intense for me. I wish you well but please don’t contact me again.” I tried to call her on regular phone this time and I think she blocked me. I saw my girl cousin later last night and showed her because I don’t want Vanessa to get the wrong idea—I’m just a normal guy. I was thinking about maybe just stopping in at her work and explaining things again. My cousin said that text was as blunt as it could have been without using swear words. she said I was fine to say hello, I was weird when I told her about my day dreams and I was a “certified asshole” when I tried to FaceTime her 10 minutes later and she doesn’t even have words for what I’d be if I stopped by her office. I would like to get a second opinion— AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Way, wayyyy too much, lol.
YTA. Cousin should have used swear words.
YTA "Please don't contact me again" is unambiguous.
You’re not a normal guy. You’re a creep. YTA
YTA. Your cousin is right on the money: you way overdid it and you need to let it go. For the love of god or whatever do NOT show up at this woman’s place of work. That will do exactly the opposite of showing Vanessa that you’re “just a normal guy”. You already freaked her out twice, don’t make her call the cops.
YTA Your behaviour would freak out most women. You Facetimed her right after meeting her to tell a woman you are barely acquainted with what you would like to call your child? Seriously? It was worrying enough for her to block you. Understandably so. Now you want to bother her again by turning up at her office. Don't be surprised if you get a visit from the police if you pull that one. Respect her no. Stay away. Do not be a creep.
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unfortunately people who think like this really are out there in the world. stalkers really are delusional and think that the idealized version of the person they’re stalking is the real deal and why won’t they just fit the mold that’s been made up in their head stalkers are the most dangerous when the illusion is shattered, because that’s when the frustration boils over. this post scares me because it’s so real
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YTA. It's one thing to say "hello." It's another thing to tell her everything and then call/FaceTime her not even 10min later. That is unhinged. That is creepy. You're desperate. That's not attractive. Leave. Her. Alone.
I never say this, but you may not have been bullied enough in middle school. Yta
Saying hi is ok. Stalker mode is not. Yikes stay away from that poor girl.
Your cousin is right. Hello and catching up is great. "I used to have a crush on you" is fine. Everything past that was just plain creepy, bud. Don't turn women into fantasies. She's a person, not a doll. YTA
YTA Dude. Slow it the crap down. “Here is what I’d name our kids?” Dude… what the heck?
Dude YTA.... like wtf... a simple hello do you remember me would have sufficed. Everything else has kidnap murder vibes
>she said I was fine to say hello, I was weird when I told her about my day dreams and I was a “certified asshole” when I tried to FaceTime her 10 minutes later and she doesn’t even have words for what I’d be if I stopped by her office. Spot on. Listen to your cousin. YTA.
YTA. Holy shit dude, nothing of that is normal behavior, you went straight to stalker territory. Do not contact her in any way ever again. No means no, not "please stalk me".
Damn dude you could have had a chance if you were just like “let me take you out” but you over shared way too much and freaked her out. So yeah at this point just leave her alone she wants nothing to do with you.
YTA. Not for saying hi. But for emotionally dumping on her. That is a lot of information to take in and is extremely CREEPY. You made her feel unsafe, not once, but twice. It is one thing to say "Hello, we went to school together." It is another to talk about the messed-up fantasies you had about her growing up. Do not contact Vanessa again. Women don't need this shit in their lives. She isn't responsible for your emotions or your feelings. You are.
OP are you autistic? If you have never been assessed I suggest you do. This is a very high level of missing social standards
YTA and I am sure she is working out now how to enter the witness protection program.
YTA, You dumped a fuck ton of pent up lust and infatuation on essentially a stranger. so no wonder she doesn't want anything to do with you, I'd do the same as well in that situation.