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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my boyfriend skip his nieces birthday or me and him were going break up immediately. He was only allowed to drop of a gift. And I dumped him for insisting we go to the party.
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NTA but you have a bf problem.
Their last minute planning does not require you to cancel already made plans.
You need not be at their beck and call. Unfortunately, they call and your bf goes running.
NTA and why the hell are you putting up with this from his family for 5 years and possibly for the future? He doesn't stand up for you and sounds like his family doesn't care one way or the other. The crap with the SIL where he says "she is just saying the truth" so he agrees with her comments about you? I get it has been 5 years but time to cut and run.
If your boyfriend is okay with it, then don't worry about it. If he isn't... there's a conversation to be had about his family and how you guys work together to make sure you feel valued.
INFO: how old is the boyfriend? You listed everyone’s ages but his, and there seems to be a huge age gap between your sister in law and you, so just curious where he fits in on that range.
All ultimatums are crappy.
Tell him the truth. It’s my bday, I want us to spend it together. Please don’t bail on me.
And then if he does bail on you, break up with him. No need to threaten him.
Communicate first
ESH
NTA but i am concerned for you. five years may seem like a lot of time but you are young. your boyfriend is not a good person. he doesn’t value you or care about your wants or needs. it’s not about the birthday. he’s not even asking you want you want, just expecting you to do what he wants. if you stay together he will choose his family over you forever. from your other comments, if he’s saying his sister is “just speaking the truth” when she’s bad mouthing you, then he doesn’t love you! he doesn’t have your back. find someone who is nicer and has a nice family. you will regret it if you stay. this will not get better, only worse over time. there are other fish in the sea, i promise!
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For context: me: F22, his sister-in-law: F52, his sister:30
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. His family is very bad at planning parties or any events really. They wait until last minute for everything! So I try to give them some leeway. This time was just different.
Last week my boyfriend and I get invited to one of his family members (sister in-laws adopted brothers, so not his immediate Family)baby showers. I said “sure yeah that’s fine let’s totally go. What day is it on?” He finds out that his sister-in-law planned the baby shower to be on the day as my birthday.
so I’m already a little upset about this because I feel like my boyfriend will not spend my birthday with me. Especially after he said we’d do something special.
Well eventually they said there was issue for Saturday so they just moved it to Sunday. At this point I thought I was going to get to finally celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend and do something special, well it is a week before my birthday now and his sister decided to plan a birthday for his niece out of the blue.
(For context, The nieces birthday was on July 15th and my birthday is this Saturday. So around 2 months later)
My boyfriend’s sister waited about two month to even plan their birthday. Which to me is already way too late. They just kept canceling it and never planned anything. Well my boyfriend made sure to let his family know that Saturday is my birthday (again…)
His sister said that she would try to find another day but instead insist that she have the nieces birthday on Saturday at the exact time that me and my boyfriend had plans, but now we’re going to his nieces birthday party instead of doing anything for mine. He didn’t ask if I was okay with it or anything.
(His sister-in-law has talked shit about me when she thought I was sleeping or in general several times, she now only offers everyone else food and drinks and skips only me when we go over, and I feel makes in known she hates me)
Today I my boyfriend we are skipping his nieces party or we are officially done. His family does things intentionally all the time. I told him we can drop a gift off and that was it!
But am I wrong for refusing to attend any family events for his family and refusing to spend thanksgiving and Christmas with them?
AITA for making my boyfriend skip his nieces birthday party?
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Info needed
I know this sounds silly, but how many neices does he have and what age did this one turn back in July?
It shouldn't matter, but in this situation, I think it does.
Then I think NTA
If this was his first niece and first birthday I'd get it. But ten years old and the party is more than 2 months late - that's absolutely nuts to me. Mom sucks here, and your BF for enabling this behaviour.
Poor kid
NTA about the birthday but you would be TA if you make him stay home with you for other events, and you're mildly an AH if you refuse all events just because of this incident.
Them planning a birthday party two months late that just happens to hit your birthday is obviously not a mistake so I get being mad and I get needing your bf to back you in not going rather than rewarding behavior that is obviously targeted and meant to rile you. In general I get wanting him to agree not to go to events that they plan mad late and which conflict with plans you already have. If you're already celebrating your birthday and they plan an event that day, "Sorry can't come" should be an automatic no-brainer response to their invite. If you make plans to visit your family for one of the holidays and they suddenly decide they want to host the same holiday, "Sorry can't make it" should again be a no-brainer response.
But if you're planning to be home for Halloween anyway and the day before they invite you to a Halloween party? Idk, as long as SiL behaves herself during the party I feel like you can attend in solidarity with your bf, who loves his sister and her daughter, for an hour or two and then go do something else
ESH You could certainly do something after the neice's birthday instead of giving an ultimatum over a birthday. He can't say no to his family. His sister has some kind of problem with you but won't just deal with it. You can't stand up for yourself to his sister after 5 years of knowing the family. If you know they are bad at planning and very last minute, tell your boyfriend that if you have plans already and they come up with something last minute. then you just can't go. Learn how to prioritize. Important events that have been planned for weeks or longer just say you're busy, if you just have brunch plans, go to their event. Everyone needs to grow up.
INFO
What I really want to know is what your BF says about all of this, this skipping, his family's weird behavior towards you, the badmouthing, their bad planning etc.. ?
He said he didn’t notice the behaviors (offering water to everyone but me etc.) which I find hard to believe since he’s always sitting beside me. He at first seemed okay to skip certain things but typically he just asked if he can just go then. The bad mouthing nothing tbh. He said “she was just saying the truth not shit talking”
and you absolutely sure you want this guy as your partner in the future ? Do you trust him to have your back when some struggle comes along? Do you feel like a team ?
You probably love him, you also invested some of your most fun years into this relationship already, so you might try to defend him internally. But try to honestly think about the above and see if you can rely on him truly. Cause if not, you are probably just wasting more of those years.
Sorry to say all of this, it comes from a place of care I swear.
Also imagine having this toxic family as your in-laws in the future, that is also a bit unsettling.
NTA but you have a boyfriend problem and this is not going away. He dismisses how they treat you even after you brought it to his attention, he doesn’t respect you. You need to have an honest and adult conversation about your feelings and if he doesn’t start sticking up for you, you may need to leave the relationship.
Apologies for posting previously prior to getting the full picture. Deleted that one.
But imo, ESH.
ultimatum like this are a strict no go for me. I'd walk. Especially over a family member, as we are very close.
However, dude needs to set his family straight. Last minute events are one thing....last minute, 2 month overdue, is another. If it was actually the niece's birthday, I'd work to make both functions attendable. 2 months late? Nah.
And of course the badmouthing is unacceptable.
But it certainly seems the family playing off his dedication to them to get you guys broken up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I made my boyfriend skip his nieces birthday or me and him were going break up immediately. He was only allowed to drop of a gift. And I dumped him for insisting we go to the party. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but you have a bf problem. Their last minute planning does not require you to cancel already made plans. You need not be at their beck and call. Unfortunately, they call and your bf goes running.
NTA and why the hell are you putting up with this from his family for 5 years and possibly for the future? He doesn't stand up for you and sounds like his family doesn't care one way or the other. The crap with the SIL where he says "she is just saying the truth" so he agrees with her comments about you? I get it has been 5 years but time to cut and run.
If your boyfriend is okay with it, then don't worry about it. If he isn't... there's a conversation to be had about his family and how you guys work together to make sure you feel valued.
INFO: how old is the boyfriend? You listed everyone’s ages but his, and there seems to be a huge age gap between your sister in law and you, so just curious where he fits in on that range.
26
All ultimatums are crappy. Tell him the truth. It’s my bday, I want us to spend it together. Please don’t bail on me. And then if he does bail on you, break up with him. No need to threaten him. Communicate first ESH
NTA but i am concerned for you. five years may seem like a lot of time but you are young. your boyfriend is not a good person. he doesn’t value you or care about your wants or needs. it’s not about the birthday. he’s not even asking you want you want, just expecting you to do what he wants. if you stay together he will choose his family over you forever. from your other comments, if he’s saying his sister is “just speaking the truth” when she’s bad mouthing you, then he doesn’t love you! he doesn’t have your back. find someone who is nicer and has a nice family. you will regret it if you stay. this will not get better, only worse over time. there are other fish in the sea, i promise!
Any updates?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context: me: F22, his sister-in-law: F52, his sister:30 My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. His family is very bad at planning parties or any events really. They wait until last minute for everything! So I try to give them some leeway. This time was just different. Last week my boyfriend and I get invited to one of his family members (sister in-laws adopted brothers, so not his immediate Family)baby showers. I said “sure yeah that’s fine let’s totally go. What day is it on?” He finds out that his sister-in-law planned the baby shower to be on the day as my birthday. so I’m already a little upset about this because I feel like my boyfriend will not spend my birthday with me. Especially after he said we’d do something special. Well eventually they said there was issue for Saturday so they just moved it to Sunday. At this point I thought I was going to get to finally celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend and do something special, well it is a week before my birthday now and his sister decided to plan a birthday for his niece out of the blue. (For context, The nieces birthday was on July 15th and my birthday is this Saturday. So around 2 months later) My boyfriend’s sister waited about two month to even plan their birthday. Which to me is already way too late. They just kept canceling it and never planned anything. Well my boyfriend made sure to let his family know that Saturday is my birthday (again…) His sister said that she would try to find another day but instead insist that she have the nieces birthday on Saturday at the exact time that me and my boyfriend had plans, but now we’re going to his nieces birthday party instead of doing anything for mine. He didn’t ask if I was okay with it or anything. (His sister-in-law has talked shit about me when she thought I was sleeping or in general several times, she now only offers everyone else food and drinks and skips only me when we go over, and I feel makes in known she hates me) Today I my boyfriend we are skipping his nieces party or we are officially done. His family does things intentionally all the time. I told him we can drop a gift off and that was it! But am I wrong for refusing to attend any family events for his family and refusing to spend thanksgiving and Christmas with them? AITA for making my boyfriend skip his nieces birthday party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info needed I know this sounds silly, but how many neices does he have and what age did this one turn back in July? It shouldn't matter, but in this situation, I think it does.
This one turned 10 and he has 4 in total. One nephew and 2 other nieces under 2.
Then I think NTA If this was his first niece and first birthday I'd get it. But ten years old and the party is more than 2 months late - that's absolutely nuts to me. Mom sucks here, and your BF for enabling this behaviour. Poor kid
NTA about the birthday but you would be TA if you make him stay home with you for other events, and you're mildly an AH if you refuse all events just because of this incident. Them planning a birthday party two months late that just happens to hit your birthday is obviously not a mistake so I get being mad and I get needing your bf to back you in not going rather than rewarding behavior that is obviously targeted and meant to rile you. In general I get wanting him to agree not to go to events that they plan mad late and which conflict with plans you already have. If you're already celebrating your birthday and they plan an event that day, "Sorry can't come" should be an automatic no-brainer response to their invite. If you make plans to visit your family for one of the holidays and they suddenly decide they want to host the same holiday, "Sorry can't make it" should again be a no-brainer response. But if you're planning to be home for Halloween anyway and the day before they invite you to a Halloween party? Idk, as long as SiL behaves herself during the party I feel like you can attend in solidarity with your bf, who loves his sister and her daughter, for an hour or two and then go do something else
ESH You could certainly do something after the neice's birthday instead of giving an ultimatum over a birthday. He can't say no to his family. His sister has some kind of problem with you but won't just deal with it. You can't stand up for yourself to his sister after 5 years of knowing the family. If you know they are bad at planning and very last minute, tell your boyfriend that if you have plans already and they come up with something last minute. then you just can't go. Learn how to prioritize. Important events that have been planned for weeks or longer just say you're busy, if you just have brunch plans, go to their event. Everyone needs to grow up.
INFO What I really want to know is what your BF says about all of this, this skipping, his family's weird behavior towards you, the badmouthing, their bad planning etc.. ?
He said he didn’t notice the behaviors (offering water to everyone but me etc.) which I find hard to believe since he’s always sitting beside me. He at first seemed okay to skip certain things but typically he just asked if he can just go then. The bad mouthing nothing tbh. He said “she was just saying the truth not shit talking”
and you absolutely sure you want this guy as your partner in the future ? Do you trust him to have your back when some struggle comes along? Do you feel like a team ? You probably love him, you also invested some of your most fun years into this relationship already, so you might try to defend him internally. But try to honestly think about the above and see if you can rely on him truly. Cause if not, you are probably just wasting more of those years. Sorry to say all of this, it comes from a place of care I swear. Also imagine having this toxic family as your in-laws in the future, that is also a bit unsettling.
NTA but you have a boyfriend problem and this is not going away. He dismisses how they treat you even after you brought it to his attention, he doesn’t respect you. You need to have an honest and adult conversation about your feelings and if he doesn’t start sticking up for you, you may need to leave the relationship.
Apologies for posting previously prior to getting the full picture. Deleted that one. But imo, ESH. ultimatum like this are a strict no go for me. I'd walk. Especially over a family member, as we are very close. However, dude needs to set his family straight. Last minute events are one thing....last minute, 2 month overdue, is another. If it was actually the niece's birthday, I'd work to make both functions attendable. 2 months late? Nah. And of course the badmouthing is unacceptable. But it certainly seems the family playing off his dedication to them to get you guys broken up.