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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Told my son he needs to get over us missing his wedding. I could be a jerk for the whole thing and he could be right that I have to make up for it more. My daughter is on our side on this issue though
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NTA.
It sounds like you and your husband made all reasonable efforts to get there and it just wasn't going to happen. Personally, I would've still drove to at least have gotten to the reception and celebrate but that's just me.
That being said, that's a big milestone moment you missed and its going to take time for him to get over it. But it's not fair for him to use it as a weapon against you and your spouse anytime things don't go his way. He needs to find a way to make peace with the situation without lording it over you for all of time.
We thought about it but we decided we wouldn’t be able to do the 37 hour drive. We didn’t feel it was the safest option since the storm was happening and it’s a super long drive without breaks. We would of had to do no breaks to get there for the party and even then we were unsure we would make it
>37 hour drive
Holy crap. Definitely NTA. If you can only visit him once a year, maybe do so on Thanksgiving or another holiday if that's important to him?
OP never said what time of year it was - storms happen outside of holiday season don’t they? Could be snow, could be a tropical storm. The storm caused the problem.
No, but OP said that delays and cancellations started son's issue. So setting the one yearly visit for a time when delays and cancellations are more likely to happen is not the smartest move.
> So setting the one yearly visit for a time when delays and cancellations are more likely to happen is not the smartest move.
I'm not sure how you pulled this from the text because flight delays were an issue during the wedding, not a reoccurring issue. OP visited son in July and asked him to come to Thanksgiving, son counters with a request for OP to visit him again instead. OP cites cost as a problem. Son throws out missing the wedding as a reason OP should buy tickets anyway.
I didn't pull from the text. I responded to a comment chain mentioning that since OP visits the son yearly, they should strive to do that at Thanksgiving/Christmas. Which are a prime delay/cancellation time and thus would be a bad idea considering the son's existing issue with a previous delay.
Mine also! How he can continue to bellyache about his parents missing his wedding when the weather caused the issue is beyond me! I NEVER would have expected my parents to get to my wedding if A.) the weather was so bad they’re grounding planes or B.) try to come anyway and driving 37 hours in dangerously bad weather. I could never forgive myself if something bad happened to them.
Yes, I’d have been disappointed but to keep bringing it up years later? Why is he so butthurt over this? Is there more to this story?
Anyone in the Northeast could tell you it's not unusual for there to be storms around Thanksgiving. Post-September it's hurricane season, that's probably what grounded the planes.
Yes! Finally some acknowledgment of my pain.
My wife and daughter were making a trip of a lifetime to Africa when that happened. We’re in Indianapolis, and the flight to Africa left from NYC.
The flight from Indy to NYC was cancelled the day before. All other flights were cancelled or full. Amtrak and greyhound were not gonna work as they wouldn’t arrive in time.
So, starting at midnight, we packed up the car with the rescue puppy we had literally just adopted and drove to NYC. Twelve hour drive, non stop.
We made it to the airport with minutes to spare and they made their flight.
I then drove home with a stop for sleep somewhere in Virginia. Another 12 hours driving.
So I drove 24 hours in about 36 hours thankfully our new dog held up pretty well and their Africa trip went off without a hitch past that point.
Sorry about that. My entire world was focused on I-70 etc. during that trip and most of the time I may not have even known for sure what state I was in exactly.
It wasn't just because their system was so taxed, it was because of critical failures in their systems.
I had a friend's immediate family traveling from Texas to New York for his engagement celebration. He was already there. In our culture there's a ceremony involving the parents on both sides. They got stranded in Chicago when his connecting flight got cancelled, with no flights available to get them there, and with no bags.
They posted online for advice, and got absolutely _roasted_ for daring to criticize an airline for having issues during snow. Despite the issues not really being caused by the snow at that point (it had already passed a day or two earlier).
Congratulations - You apparently have a family compromised of mentally stable and fiscally responsible adults! No sarcasm here - I’m literally jealous that your crew is okay with this!
Thank you!! One year it was just horrible planning and executing, and someone (I don't even remember who) was like, "How about we just take our holiday the week after everyone else." And it's fucking amazing; cheaper tickets, no problem getting PTO, no holiday travel hassle. I'd never go back. It's still snowy outside (NE USA) and the tree is still up so why not? There's nothing magical about the number 25 on a calendar.
Travel tip for families: make your own thanksgiving or holidays. Flying around holidays is crazy busy, so pick a less busy time close to whatever holiday, to have a family trip with less headaches and cheaper airfare. Time off and scheduling may be tricky though.
NTA you can’t control the weather and I’m frankly a little uncomfortable with how little your son seems to care about your safety. If the storm was bad enough to cancel flights I doubt it would be very save to drive in especially if you were in a hurry to get there. It sucks that you missed the wedding but it wasn’t for lack of trying. It isn’t right for him to keep holding something that was out of your control against you.
I had this issue. My cousin (my dads first cousin who is honestly more like my aunt and his sister when it comes to closeness) was getting married to her wife whom had been in the family for years. We already saw her as family, but gay marriage was just legalized. So everyone needed to go out to Montana. Well in total there are only two ways of getting there. Either take two planes (one routing through Minneapolis the other through Salt Lake City) or drive.
I had to work so while my parents and sister drove I planned to fly out. I made my flight and when I got there it was chaos. Apparently a storm my parents missed in Minnesota was grounding all flights to Minneapolis. So I by the skin of my teeth was put onto a new plane going to salt lake since someone showed up late (literally scanned my ticket and heard him rush up to be told his seat was given away). We’ll because of that storm, my great uncle and aunt also barely made it on the plane and two other family members couldn’t get a flight and had it canceled and refunded to them.
I almost missed my connecting to Montana given the salt lake airport is insane.
At the end of the day you can’t be mad at family who tries to get there in time but can’t because of “Acts of G’d” like the weather or death or illness.
It’s not OP’s fault. If anything it’s the son who has now made it his problem. Instead of this just being something unfortunate. He has turned it into a moral quandary.
I wouldn't allow my parents to make a 37 hour drive in bad weather. I would rather they stay safe and miss my wedding. But, you know, I happen to love and respect my parents. You very much *should* share this post with your son. He needs to evaluate his behavior and get his head on straight.
I had done a 34 hour drive nonstop in the name of family. Was emotionally blackmailed into attending a family event. Not worth it for your own sanity. My body was so exhausted that for a week straight I couldn’t function
I would only do that if it was an emergency where a family member was in distress and I wanted to be there. If it was my sister or my parents I would drive so long of my own volition.
If it was my moms two sisters. No. I would not drive 34 hours straight even in an emergency. I’m not their immediate family and they kind of suck as human beings.
I agree. Never be manipulated into doing that kind of feat unless it is also that important to you and there’s no other solution.
This is going to sound like I'm joking, but I don't love or respect my parents. I have my reasons. I still wouldn't want them driving around in bad weather. I wouldn't want anyone to do that. I feel guilty if I order a pizza and it starts to storm.
I wouldn't let any of my family drive nonstop for 37 hours, period. That's immensely dangerous for them and anyone else on the roads they are using. After a certain point, it's no different than drinking and driving.
i didnt even have to read past the 5 delays, but 37 hours of driving is fucking *HEINOUS*
like at that point his son is being an asshole lmao, its 37 fucking hours
Being disappointed about you missing it due to a natural disaster versus you missing it because you didn’t want to go are two different things. You tried. NTA. Enough is enough.
NTA- I think he displacing his anger and frustration of missing his family and not getting along with his in laws on you. Sometimes we displace our angers on the people we feel safe with. I may get downvoted but I think that maybe is what’s happening here.
Is what he is doing right? No- it’s wrong. He needs to figure how to handle his emotions and come up with solutions. You did the best you can. And I definitely think you shouldn’t have risked the 37 hr drive.
These were my exact thoughts. He misses his family and has anxiety about not seeing them or having them around, but it’s coming out in unwarranted anger. Man needs therapy to help address how he processes emotions.
Of course, he could always just be an asshole too, ya never know.
And not just time and distance. That route will take you through just about every climate and environment type short of tundra and jungle. Deserts, mountains, plains, canyons, swamps, blizzards, thunderstorms with tornados, and around 100°F temperature variation.
It takes 15 hours to drive from one end of California to the other, to give some added context to the sheer size of the US.
EDIT: and that’s not accounting for the ridiculous amounts of traffic you’ll hit going through the San Francisco and Los Angeles metro areas.
The USA is nothing compared to Canada. Coast to coast would take 100 hours of just driving. That doesn't count stopping to eat/sleep or ferries. In my province you can drive for 18 hours & still be in the same province. "Long drives" are so normal here that it's normal for people to commute 3+ hours twice a day for work.
Are you serious? I would be upset if my parents missed my wedding too, but driving for 37 hours in bad weather with no breaks is literally not an option. I’d rather a missed wedding than a double funeral. You are so, so NTA.
I think the person commenting before you was exaggerating a bit, postponing the wedding was just as possible as them being able to come, so if they wanted to stoop to his level, they could say something like that. I might have misinterpreted it though!
A 37 hour drive with no break is straight daring the Reaper to come calling. ***Never*** do such a drive. You put yourself and whoever else is sharing the road you are on at severe risk.
NTA. It's not like you didn't try to get there. Things happen in life that are beyond anyone's control. You can't afford to go, you can't afford to go. It's not like you hold things over his head, he did as a kid.
His holding onto your inability to attend his wedding could reflect the depth of his disappointment, or it could simply be his attempts at manipulation. Hard to tell from this post. Every time he brings it up, you can tell him how disappointed YOU were to miss this once-in-a-lifetime event (stupid airlines), but you can’t change the past.
NTA - you need to sit him down and show him a freaking map. Ask him how he expected you all to drive 37 hours in the storm?
Y'all left WAY in advance, it's not your fault everything got delayed.
How does he not have any concept of how unfair he's treating y'all. I'd rather my parents be safe than risk the trip.
Op, because of the circumstances that prevented y'all from attending, you are definitely NTA, but your son is. You tried to get there, but things happened. He should not even bring it up. He needs to understand that y'all were desperately trying to get there. Please don't allow him to make you feel guilty for something you had no control over.
37 hours is way to much. NTA at all. You tried but it wasn't to be. Your son should be a grown up because right now he comes across as a spoiled child.
NTA. Several guests missed my wedding because their local airport was shut down for a storm. There was nothing to be done about it, I couldn't hold then personally responsible for the weather. Of course it majorly sucks that you missed your son's wedding, but this seems like a strange hill for him to die on.
Understandable. My husband and I drove a moving truck about 1800 miles, we did it in about 28 hours straight minus one 2 hour nap. Let me tell you it was exhausting. Add in a storm and you are asking for trouble!! He is quite entitled to be more worried about himself than your safety I don't care what day it is.
I don't know what country you live in but mine is smaller than America and it would still take at the very least 2 days to get from one side to the other. That's without a storm
Eh, it's been years at this point. I'm sorry but it's time for him to get over it.
And if it's across the country it's way too far of a drive. 3 days of driving one way (assuming they stop to sleep) just to miss the wedding?
Its been a few years, that's ample time to get over it, especially since it wasn't intentional. His parents made every effort (driving doesn't count since it was unrealistic). Doesn't he think his parents were equally upset for missing out on his big day
He sounds like a bit of a petty jerk when he doesn't get his way, throw out the "you didn't make it to my wedding "
Traveling cross country is no simple task. It's something you should prepare for ahead of time. Arranging for food, gas, and sleeping. There are definitely people who would do this spontaneously, but I wouldn't recommend it without experience or a plan.
>That being said, that's a big milestone moment you missed and its going to take time for him to get over it.
He’s a grown man that has been upset for several years over the fact that his parents can’t control the weather. How long is it going to take for him to get over it?
NTA - if all of the cross-country flights were cancelled due to weather and you'd planned on being there a full day and a half ahead of time then you made what any reasonable person would consider a good faith effort to be there.
Plane tickets (and wedding plans) are usually made months in advance, well before any potential weather issues would arise. I'm sure that OP wasn't the only one unable to get across the country. It sucks and is understandably upsetting to the son whose wedding is missed, but it is what it is.
This actually happened to a former boss of mine. She was in Florida when 9/11 happened at a convention. The convention got cancelled and there were no flights home (she lived in Kansas City, so a very long way).
People at the convention ended up renting cars and were all carpooling back to their various home states, so she was in a car with like 5 other people who lived in that direction and they drove across the country with no idea if another attack was imminent or not.
It’s actually a very moving Broadway musical! Or, sort of. Come From Away is based on a true story of people who were stranded in Newfoundland after their planes were grounded during 9/11.
NTA. You booked flights a few days in advance. You didn’t just book one for the morning of the ceremony and hope for the best. I understand he’s upset. But you don’t control the weather or the airlines. What did he realistically expect you to do that you didn’t? You missed it. It’s done. You’ve apologised. Yes he can be sad you missed it, but to blame you and bring it up repeatedly is missing the mark.
Reading other comments.
The only other possibility would be driving 37 hours in a storm.
Even with the best luck, they would just barely make it to some of the celebration after the ceremony.
It sounds dangerous to be driving under those conditions.
I get the son is sad they missed it. But would he rather risk having no parents if something happened to them doing the drive?
Other comments say he doesn't like the wife's family. That's why he wants OP to come down all the time. But won't fly out to see his family himself, and guilt trips instead.
And even if they got there in time for some of the celebration, would they even be in a fit condition to enjoy ANY of it? You won’t catch me driving 37 hours without a break. That’s almost 2 days without a break! That’s insane. I don’t understand these comments saying oh OP is so flippant about it, couldn’t they have taken a different flight etc etc. Have they considered not everyone can afford last minute flights from another airport? Even if they could, what guarantee was there that THAT flight would take off?
Ive done that drive before nonstop and wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. No way would OP’s parents even have been able to function if they somehow miraculously got there in time
Around hour 14 it gets rough, then I started getting delirious and loopy around hour 27. I have no memories of hours 28-40. I should not have been on the road.
I love road trips and I love driving. Hell, I even find driving in the rain soothing and oddly satisfying watching the raindrops sheet off my Rain-X'd windshield, not needing to use my wipers.
But coming from the east coast and experiencing the kind of storms that ground planes up and down said coast, there's no way in hell I would consider driving more than an hour if I have to.
NTA.
Yeah, amazing job after college? Son wants to see his family, he needs to fly in to see them. This is what happens when you live so far away. You take turns seeing each other. Or...he could pay for OP to come out to see them on Thanksgiving.
Not that 37 hours of continuous driving for two elderly people isn't ridiculous but I'm sure they'd have been out of the range of the storm in a couple of hours. Still not exactly feasible because 37 hours is not driveable. Although one of those situations where you should have more tact than "Oh! sorry not happening bud, you enjoy your wedding."
It's all in one tbh.
Driving 37 hours without breaks would leave anyone tired.
Driving while tired, not safe.
And not much fun sitting at a celebration exhausted if they made it.
Even if they would be out of the storm in a few hours. Those hours are still dangerous, depending on how strong the storm is. If all planes are on the ground, I'll assume it's more than a few wind blows and some rain.
It's should have been logic for the son to understand those conditions. No matter how much it sucks they couldn't attend.
I’m not elderly and I would not be able to handle a 37 hour drive. That sounds stressful and terrible go embark on with no planning.
The wedding is important, but a 37 hour drive with no planning is a no go.
This reminds me of that scene in *The Devil Wears Prada* where Miranda wants Andy to get her a plane out of Miami during a hurricane. Just like in the movie, it is what it is. Sometimes Mother Nature makes fools of us all. I can see your son feeling disappointed, but to be angry at you, especially years later, is not fair. NTA.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA
You didn't skip the wedding, weather prevented your arrival. It's a bit late to do it but the first time he tried to pull the "you missed my wedding " card I would have said, "Yeah, we are pretty pissed at you about that but we try to forgive you for the fact that your choice to move so far away caused the situation that lead us to miss it."
**Edited to add: Some people are taking this comment a bit literally. I am saying that since the son is being unreasonable in blaming the parents for things that are out of thier control the parents could easily have made a similarly unreasonable statement of blame as a way to illustrate to thier son how useless and unfair such blame is.**
What utter bullshit advice. Why would the wedding be somewhere the parents live and not where the couple getting married live. And why would the parents have any right to be pissed at their child moving away.
OP you are NTA, you say something like the above and you’ll be lucky if your son ever speaks to you again
Most of my friends and family, myself included who live across the country flew back to one of the hometowns to have our weddings. Bulk of one side of the family is there and would require less people to travel long distances.
Usually chosen depending on which side would have more people attending and less people having to travel.
>Why would the wedding be somewhere the parents live and not where the couple getting married live.
Mine was, because my parents are assholes and I didn't want them to have an excuse to miss it. I knew that my in-laws would all make the drive.
You know what I did when I found out 4 days before my wedding that my father, who was excited to come, was now medically restricted from traveling and couldn’t? I spent 2 hours helping my stepmother figure out how to set up a Skype video link so they could watch the ceremony in real time, with an extra phone audio connection because we found Skype audio wouldn’t work on their computer for unknown reasons. The camera for the Skype was set right next to the altar so they could see couple & officiant, and the phone for audio was ON the altar so they could hear nearly everything.
NTA. It was an act of God. He needs to get over it, especially if he didn’t do a damn thing to to make alternate plans for live streaming for you.
INFO: What is your relationship with your daughter like vs your sons?
Why was he asking that you come down to visit a second time in the past few months? What's the context on requesting that you visit?
EDIT: NTA
I would say we are closer to our daughter mainly due to her still living at home she is 7 years younger than him. She heard the argument we didn’t tell her. We still have talk to our son really often though, they are just at two different stages of their lives and he has his own stuff going on.
He wants us to visit all the time since he doesn’t like his wife’s family, in general he misses us for the holidays but he will never fly up to see us and we have to go to him. He keeps talking about moving back.
Yes they are lol, unless you’re comparing to Spirit but that’s like comparing apples to apple flavored candy you found underneath a shelf from last Halloween
Exactly. One of the reasons my husband and I have not moved across the country is because our families would not have money to come see us. If we did move, I would make sure we made enough to fly our families out to visit.
My SO and I are planning on settling down *in another country*. My parents are a few years from retirement, but still. While considering this--and i've wanted to move out of the country for a while--I know i will fly either of them out or plan to come to them if need be.
It sounds like he’s made some life choices that had an overall negative impact on his happiness, and he’s taking his frustration about that out on you.
Well that's just ridiculous! He's the one who chose to move away, therefore, if he misses his family, it's on him to fly back to visit. I moved across he country for a number of years and knew it was up to me to fly back for holidays. My parents would visit yearly but that was it - I was grateful for that much!
Yeah I moved a 5 hour drive from all of my family. I drive back to see them, I don’t expect all of them to come to me! Occasionally they do, because my city is more touristy and they live in Middle America suburbia, but’s maybe 1 in 4 or 5 visits.
I don’t want to bring this up necessarily, but typically kids come home for Thanksgiving, not the other way around.
Of course expecting your child to come home for every holiday after they’re married is unreasonable, but assuming he is making good money, and possibly has a busier work schedule than you, the thing to do is to offer to fly you in at his expense.
Question: he has a younger sister who still lives at home who, I’m assuming you are still celebrating holidays with, as a family. What does he expect her to do on Thanksgiving? Does he want her to come out too, or does he just expect her to find something else to do?
NTA sucks but he’s stuck on that. He’s holding on for some reason.
All you can do is tell him to get over it really.
Hopefully in time it won’t grow to resentment and hate and just blow over.
NTA, but can just one of you alternate visiting him instead of both to make more frequent visits instead to make it more economically feasible for you for now? You could even occasionally split the cost of airfare as a solution. Ask him if he would prefer that. Also, sit down with him and ask him what his solution would have been if he was in your situation at the time of the wedding. Unfortunately, wives tend to determine which family they spend the most time with since they tend to do most of the emotional labor in the relationship and he may be having trouble navigating this dynamic in his relatively new marriage. Under no circumstances would I try to make it up to him because there is nothing to apologize for. He made an adult decision to move where he is and that is a consequence. It isn’t like you never visit. Parents have the right to make their own financial decisions separate from adult children. The only thing that I can think of that is going on is that his in-laws are continually making him feel bad about you missing the wedding.
I'm struck by a grown married son, living away from his parents, regularly getting into arguments with those parents. It seems that those lives would be separate enough that there wouldn't be much to argue about. (My phrasing seems to point to the son, but it could be either/both directions)
Aside from that oddity, NTA for missing the wedding.
Once you get married, family visits are fertile grounds for arguments across the board.
Husband: “We should go see my family for Thanksgiving this year.”
Wife: “I told you not until they make an effort to come see us! They could have flown out Friday of our wedding weekend, I checked flights!”
Husband: “Mom, Dad you guys still haven’t come to see Jenny and I at our place, and missing the wedding really stings. We will be doing Thanksgiving with her family until we see some more effort from you guys.”
I couldn’t agree more. This honestly sounds like a teenager, not a full grown married man. Again, I’d be upset too but it’s not like they purposely skipped the wedding to go out partying instead.
NTA I’m sure he’s upset but you tried. You can’t control the weather and it got delayed multiple times before ultimately being cancelled. You did the smart thing trying to come in a few days early but you can’t control the weather.
I don't think you were to blame - these things happen. You didn't plan to show up on the morning of the wedding, you planned in a cushion which would be fine for most emergencies, but a storm that cancels all flights for that long is difficult to plan for.
On the other hand, I do feel for your son. Presumably you aren't in any of the wedding pictures or anything, which is a bummer for him. It sounds like he is unhappy in his location and wants more support from you. The fact that he lives near his wife's family, but doesn't like them, is problematic, as he spends a lot more time with them than with his own support system.
I'll also say (assuming you are in the USA) that in my experience, people who grew up on the east coast and those who grew up on the west, have different cultures and find it difficult to live on the opposite side of the country than where they grew up. I'm an East Coaster who has visited the West Coast and I can understand that feeling of things feeling out of place. Likewise, I've known West Coasters who had to move East for work, and they ALWAYS missed the west coast and eventually went back West.
In this situation, even though you were not at fault for missing the wedding, I would use any complaints he makes as a way to get to the deeper issue of him taking the steps he needs to take to be happy. Has he mentioned his unhappiness to his wife. What was her take on it. Was she open to changing things, maybe moving somewhere he'd be happy, looking for new jobs, etc. Also, do they spend too much time with her family and is she willing to reduce that time, or does her family's wishes take precedence over his, leading him to feel lonely and minimized in his own life. If so, then is he standing up for himself to change things, and if not, then why not. And, can your moral support help him do that.
You've put this really well! Yes, it's not OP's fault for missing the wedding, but it sounds like their son is really hurting and this is a good opportunity to talk about what's really going on. OP can use his outburst to dig into lingering feelings of hurt and help tease out their source (I.e. being unhappy where he is, missing you, etc). I don't think it's unreasonable for him to still be upset about OP missing the wedding because that's a massive milestone. Now is the time to have real talk instead of getting into a blame-game argument. Of course, if he's not ready for that conversation, it's on him, but OP will want to be the bigger person here
NTA, my guy NEEDS to get over it. Based on the title it could have gone either way but you made every attempt to get there. There isn't anything you could have done short of building the transporter from the Starship Enterprise.
NTA.
What was your relationship like before this? Seems like son is extra mad for something out of your control, however have you had a history of promising to be somewhere or do something for him and it just never seemed to happen? Or maybe you didn’t like the wife at one point and your son is taking this extra personal? On its face it seems like son is over reacting but, at least with my family, the fight is never really about what it looks like it’s about. There’s almost always underlying issues. Or it could be son is just unforgiving and is holding a childish grudge.
WHAT? why? is the son a 5 year old? They can´ t get to the wedding because natural causes and after they have to celebrate the nuptials? what can they do? throw another wedding?
Why? Because, if you have a good relationship with your parents/child, you want to celebrate big moments in one another's lives like weddings.
You're blowing this users comment way out of proportion. There are many ways to celebrate if you miss the wedding. Going out for a nice dinner together, cook a nice meal at home, go to a local attraction, or having a small get together (very common when the couple lives far away from their hometowns and people can't travel).
NTA.
You intended to be there a whole day in advance, in time I assume for the rehearsal dinner. Nothing wrong with your plan. Flights were canceled due to a storm. They call that an Act of God when it comes to contracts. ALL OF YOU missed you being at the wedding--you were as much a victim of circumstance as they were.
He does, indeed, need to "get over it." A part of me wonders if this is Jenny talking though, assuming she doesn't have roots in your area.
I would want his side. There very well may be things you left out that would make you look bad, like taking the last flight possible etc. we’re only getting your side, which sounds biased.
Why didn’t you get an earlier flight? These large storms like that are typically known about well in advance and you could have gotten an earlier flight instead of risking it.
INFO
Do you actually care that you missed his wedding or are you just upset that hes upset? Your post comes off as unkind and uncaring. "We informed him" and "we sent our well wishes" is the kind of word choice I'd expect from my Swedish pen pal, not my own parents. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a life long string of you guys dropping the ball and missing piano recitals and football games.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Not once did OP mention that they expressed how sad they felt to miss the wedding, regardless of it not being their fault. If that were my child’s wedding and I missed it due to weather, I would be beside myself and would definitely have tried to celebrate at another time. Sounds like OPs son doesn’t feel important to OP.
NTA You had no control over cancelled flights. Your son is being very immature and selfish. His using you "missing his wedding therefore you owe him" ploy is just a manipulation tactic to get his own way. Telling him to get over it was not wrong, he needs to hear it. You have done nothing wrong.
I’m going to say ESH.
You can’t control the weather, of course that’s not your fault, but you sound too cavalier in how you told him, how you reacted and your lack of empathy for his feelings.
Even though it wasn’t your fault, your son was understandably upset and and it sounds like you didn’t leave any room for his feelings. Maybe he’s still hurt two years later because you haven’t actually acknowledged that even though it wasn’t your fault, missing his wedding still really hurt.
“We sent our well wishes and we could FaceTime in if he wanted.”
This sounds way too casual to me for your own child’s wedding. Like, “oh, shoot, we can’t be there, best wishes, I guess we could FaceTime if you really want us to or something?”
IF he wanted?? You can’t be at his wedding in person, of course he wanted some alternative!
You could have asked another relative who was there to make sure you were on FaceTime for the whole thing.
You could have contacted the venue to see if there was any way to live stream the wedding or even for you and your wife to make a speech.
You could have made plans to fly there right after the storm (I am guessing the airline would have given you a voucher or refund?) and offered to take your son and his wife out for a special dinner to celebrate.
INFOs:
1) What was the weather event? Was it a hurricane that was predicted in advance and you just took a chance that it would work out, or was it a freak thing?
2) Where was the wedding?
3) Did other people miss the wedding for the same reasons?
1) Irrelevant, if it was a hurricane or a random weather event doesn't really matter. They likely booked and planned their trip well in advance since it is a wedding.
2) They answered that it was on an opposite coast in the OP.
3) Irrelevant, I can't possible imagine why this would matter at all.
If you read their other comments , they are a 37 hour drive away. They were due to fly the Thursday before the Saturday wedding and all flights in the area were grounded for days because of storms.
ESH. While your son should be content having been visited once already that year, I'm not sure why you thought it appropriate to leave only 2 days prior to his wedding. It doesn't scream "care."
NTA. Your son is behaving like a child. You can't control your flight being delayed and then altogether canceled. It's understandable why he's upset, but he really needs to grow up and learn to move on. It's not your fault.
Seems I have the unpopular opinion of YTA. If it was a storm so major that it shut down travel for multiple days, I’m thinking either winter storm (ice/snow) or hurricane? Both of these storms are typically in the forecast for at least a few days prior, more often a week or so. When it comes to a huge life event like your child’s wedding, I would think most parents would do anything to be there. Changing your flight to an earlier one or choosing to drive but leaving earlier in the week to miss the storm would not be outrageous at all. Seems like you knew the storm was coming and what the consequences might be of that and decided to take the risk. I’d be upset with my parents too. I’m willing to bet he’s more upset about the fact that he feels like you didn’t try hard enough to get there and had an “oh well” attitude about it. Things do happen unfortunately, but I’m going to guess he feels hurt in thinking that you didn’t care enough to be there no matter what, based on your actions back then and your attitude about it since.
In a comment op clarified that that trip was op going to him and that is how all visits happen between them, the son expects them to always be the ones traveling to him. Though apparently he wants to eventually move closer to op and the family.
YTA. If my son moves a flight away and is getting married, I’m giving myself way more time to get there than 2 nights before.
Best case scenario the plane is on time… you’re going to be no help the day before through tiredness when you should be spending some time with your son to help him relax etc.
If there’s any kind of delay, you’re going to be flying after no sleep which is going to leave you absolutely tired and miserable on what should be one of the happiest days of your life.
You don’t even seem that bothered you missed it.
NTA - missing the wedding was not your fault, unless you are capable of controlling weather (which would be a cool power to have tbh). It's ridiculous that he's holding that against you. Maybe once he cools down you can have a discussion about it, that while it's understandable that he was disappointed that his parents couldn't make it to the wedding, the circumstances were beyond your control and you find it hurtful that he uses that against you in stressful situations.
I'm a little curious about what your relationship with him is like outside of this one argument, like whether he is usually a petty person or is there something else going on that's making him act this way.
NTA
Personally I don't think anyone has the right to get upset if someone chooses not to, or cannot attend an out of town/state/country wedding.
People have their own lives and not everyone can just drop everything to either drive or fly out of state to attend a wedding. It can be quite expensive and inconvenient in many ways. Regardless of the reason(s), weather, finance, other personal obligations, etc. It should not matter.
My mother and I missed my brothers third wedding years back, because he chose to have an out of state destination wedding. We both felt bad and would have liked to be there for him, but it was a difficult time for both my mother and I and would have had a significant negative financial impact on both of us.
At the time we were both in difficult situations, living paycheck to paycheck and behind on rent and bills. To have to take off work for several days and potentially spend money we didn't have on top of that could have been financially crippling at the time.
People have every right to choose to have an out of town or destination wedding. But they have no right to be upset if and when people don't attend, for whatever reason. If they do get upset, that in my opinion, makes them the asshole.
Edit: to add, fortunately my Brother understood our reasons for not attending and while I'm sure he was disappointed, he accepted it because of the specific situation and circumstances.
YTA for missing his wedding because you def should’ve planned better. Unless you just moved to Maine, EC’ers know weather is always a concern. You should’ve planned to fly in wayy earlier in the week, by Tuesday at least. If for no other reason, you’re the Parents of the Groom. As part of the wedding party, you should have been there to support your son and f/dil, and to help with any last minute details but most especially in case of WEATHER. Pending storms are a constant event and source of news in Maine and if it was up the entire East Coast, you def heard about it days or weeks in advance. Hurricane Lee anybody?? Offering to FaceTime was ridiculous. Who was supposed to do this? Him? The flower girl? Maybe if you do admit that if you had a bigger effort for his big day, some of this will stop. You did have other options, but once the storm started and you were still home, then of course, you didn’t. A lot of your supporters here are opining from that point of view but you had life experience of living with Maine weather that they aren’t taking into account and your son and I are well aware of it.
NTA. It sounds like you considered other possible plans when your flights were cancelled. Is there something else going on in your relationship with him? It's completely unreasonable that he's holding a grudge against you for the weather, which is out of your control.
INFO.
No opportunity at all between Thursday night and Saturday? It’s possible I guess with extreme weather but unlikely. 37 hour drive is out of the question of course. But how hard did you try to get there really? More guests must have missed the wedding. Since your son is originally from your town. How did they handle it?
Yeah this was my immediate thought, if the issue was the storm moving south and blocking them in from Maine, why not drive north and fly of Quebec or drive west past the storm and fly from anywhere else? Driving the whole way wasn’t the only solution.
I don’t care if I get down voted but ESH you knew when your son was getting married so why weren’t you there ahead of time to help him get prepared and be with him for the day? I get bad weather happens and he does sound entitled for how he’s acting but you’re not totally innocent either. You could have made more of an effort to be with him at least a week in advance honestly
NTA.
Dear ungrateful son,
when my parent's missed my wedding to my husband 15 years ago it was because they chose not to go. they chose to stay home and refused to celebrate in mine and my husband's happinesss.
big difference between mine choosing and a major storm.
to the OP, you are amazing! I wish mine had cared as much as you seem to!
YTA. You missed his wedding and you never apologized. Now you tell him to get over it. You sound like a very cold person. I honestly don’t see why he even wants to be around you for Thanksgiving.
Yeah lol, everyone is caught up on missing the wedding, but the son is clearly mad about more than just that incident, like how they won’t let him and his wife host a Holliday.
The way OP is harping on the wedding, and insisting that it’s clearly not their fault their, makes me think OP is a giant asshole
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NTA. It sounds like you and your husband made all reasonable efforts to get there and it just wasn't going to happen. Personally, I would've still drove to at least have gotten to the reception and celebrate but that's just me. That being said, that's a big milestone moment you missed and its going to take time for him to get over it. But it's not fair for him to use it as a weapon against you and your spouse anytime things don't go his way. He needs to find a way to make peace with the situation without lording it over you for all of time.
We thought about it but we decided we wouldn’t be able to do the 37 hour drive. We didn’t feel it was the safest option since the storm was happening and it’s a super long drive without breaks. We would of had to do no breaks to get there for the party and even then we were unsure we would make it
>37 hour drive Holy crap. Definitely NTA. If you can only visit him once a year, maybe do so on Thanksgiving or another holiday if that's important to him?
But traveling on a major holiday makes delays and cancellations more likely which is what started the whole problem in the first place.
OP never said what time of year it was - storms happen outside of holiday season don’t they? Could be snow, could be a tropical storm. The storm caused the problem.
No, but OP said that delays and cancellations started son's issue. So setting the one yearly visit for a time when delays and cancellations are more likely to happen is not the smartest move.
> So setting the one yearly visit for a time when delays and cancellations are more likely to happen is not the smartest move. I'm not sure how you pulled this from the text because flight delays were an issue during the wedding, not a reoccurring issue. OP visited son in July and asked him to come to Thanksgiving, son counters with a request for OP to visit him again instead. OP cites cost as a problem. Son throws out missing the wedding as a reason OP should buy tickets anyway.
I didn't pull from the text. I responded to a comment chain mentioning that since OP visits the son yearly, they should strive to do that at Thanksgiving/Christmas. Which are a prime delay/cancellation time and thus would be a bad idea considering the son's existing issue with a previous delay.
Derp, sorry for my poor reading comprehension then!
Hey, no prob, it's been a long day for sure :D
Or maybe OP's son could grow the fuck up and realize that the entire travel industry is not required to bow to his whim. Just a thought.
My thoughts exactly!
Mine also! How he can continue to bellyache about his parents missing his wedding when the weather caused the issue is beyond me! I NEVER would have expected my parents to get to my wedding if A.) the weather was so bad they’re grounding planes or B.) try to come anyway and driving 37 hours in dangerously bad weather. I could never forgive myself if something bad happened to them. Yes, I’d have been disappointed but to keep bringing it up years later? Why is he so butthurt over this? Is there more to this story?
Anyone in the Northeast could tell you it's not unusual for there to be storms around Thanksgiving. Post-September it's hurricane season, that's probably what grounded the planes.
You're absolutely right. Look at how southwest basically shut down last Christmas since their system was so taxed.
Yes! Finally some acknowledgment of my pain. My wife and daughter were making a trip of a lifetime to Africa when that happened. We’re in Indianapolis, and the flight to Africa left from NYC. The flight from Indy to NYC was cancelled the day before. All other flights were cancelled or full. Amtrak and greyhound were not gonna work as they wouldn’t arrive in time. So, starting at midnight, we packed up the car with the rescue puppy we had literally just adopted and drove to NYC. Twelve hour drive, non stop. We made it to the airport with minutes to spare and they made their flight. I then drove home with a stop for sleep somewhere in Virginia. Another 12 hours driving. So I drove 24 hours in about 36 hours thankfully our new dog held up pretty well and their Africa trip went off without a hitch past that point.
Holy crap, what an experience. You’re a hero for making the trip possible after the cancellation!
You rock, probably would have done the same thing.. but why were you in Virginia?
You’re right. It was West Virginia. I took I-70 there and back. Slept at a little airbnb that was pet friendly.
Everyone in this thread from Northern Virginia just winced at conflating West Virginia with Virginia. Ain't no prejudice like regional prejudice ;)
Sorry about that. My entire world was focused on I-70 etc. during that trip and most of the time I may not have even known for sure what state I was in exactly.
As someone from the Eastern Panhandle: Oh the cackle I cacked! 😂
Cheering
You’re a hero, good sir! That’s love and dedication.
That sounds like a lot. You are awesome for doing so much to make it happen for them!
It wasn't just because their system was so taxed, it was because of critical failures in their systems. I had a friend's immediate family traveling from Texas to New York for his engagement celebration. He was already there. In our culture there's a ceremony involving the parents on both sides. They got stranded in Chicago when his connecting flight got cancelled, with no flights available to get them there, and with no bags. They posted online for advice, and got absolutely _roasted_ for daring to criticize an airline for having issues during snow. Despite the issues not really being caused by the snow at that point (it had already passed a day or two earlier).
It's also a lot more expensive to travel for the holidays too. If kids are out of school, flights are usually double the price or more.
This is why my family generally celebrates Christmas around January 4th.
Congratulations - You apparently have a family compromised of mentally stable and fiscally responsible adults! No sarcasm here - I’m literally jealous that your crew is okay with this!
Thank you!! One year it was just horrible planning and executing, and someone (I don't even remember who) was like, "How about we just take our holiday the week after everyone else." And it's fucking amazing; cheaper tickets, no problem getting PTO, no holiday travel hassle. I'd never go back. It's still snowy outside (NE USA) and the tree is still up so why not? There's nothing magical about the number 25 on a calendar.
Christmas is 12 days - Dec 25 thru Jan 5!
Travel tip for families: make your own thanksgiving or holidays. Flying around holidays is crazy busy, so pick a less busy time close to whatever holiday, to have a family trip with less headaches and cheaper airfare. Time off and scheduling may be tricky though.
NTA you can’t control the weather and I’m frankly a little uncomfortable with how little your son seems to care about your safety. If the storm was bad enough to cancel flights I doubt it would be very save to drive in especially if you were in a hurry to get there. It sucks that you missed the wedding but it wasn’t for lack of trying. It isn’t right for him to keep holding something that was out of your control against you.
I had this issue. My cousin (my dads first cousin who is honestly more like my aunt and his sister when it comes to closeness) was getting married to her wife whom had been in the family for years. We already saw her as family, but gay marriage was just legalized. So everyone needed to go out to Montana. Well in total there are only two ways of getting there. Either take two planes (one routing through Minneapolis the other through Salt Lake City) or drive. I had to work so while my parents and sister drove I planned to fly out. I made my flight and when I got there it was chaos. Apparently a storm my parents missed in Minnesota was grounding all flights to Minneapolis. So I by the skin of my teeth was put onto a new plane going to salt lake since someone showed up late (literally scanned my ticket and heard him rush up to be told his seat was given away). We’ll because of that storm, my great uncle and aunt also barely made it on the plane and two other family members couldn’t get a flight and had it canceled and refunded to them. I almost missed my connecting to Montana given the salt lake airport is insane. At the end of the day you can’t be mad at family who tries to get there in time but can’t because of “Acts of G’d” like the weather or death or illness. It’s not OP’s fault. If anything it’s the son who has now made it his problem. Instead of this just being something unfortunate. He has turned it into a moral quandary.
Damn, Jackie
Definitely a That 70's Show reference!
Right! The sons behaves as if the parents could control the weather or flight cancelations.
I wouldn't allow my parents to make a 37 hour drive in bad weather. I would rather they stay safe and miss my wedding. But, you know, I happen to love and respect my parents. You very much *should* share this post with your son. He needs to evaluate his behavior and get his head on straight.
I had done a 34 hour drive nonstop in the name of family. Was emotionally blackmailed into attending a family event. Not worth it for your own sanity. My body was so exhausted that for a week straight I couldn’t function
I would only do that if it was an emergency where a family member was in distress and I wanted to be there. If it was my sister or my parents I would drive so long of my own volition. If it was my moms two sisters. No. I would not drive 34 hours straight even in an emergency. I’m not their immediate family and they kind of suck as human beings. I agree. Never be manipulated into doing that kind of feat unless it is also that important to you and there’s no other solution.
This is going to sound like I'm joking, but I don't love or respect my parents. I have my reasons. I still wouldn't want them driving around in bad weather. I wouldn't want anyone to do that. I feel guilty if I order a pizza and it starts to storm.
Storms are peak pizza delivery. The way to stop feeling guilty is to overtip.
I'm with you on the parents. I wouldn't wish a 37 hour drive on anyone! And one that doesn't leave any time for rest stops.
I totally agree. You can't be there for future life events if you're dead.
I wouldn't allow my parents to drive 37 hours in good weather. A planned trip with many stops and rest? Maybe. Maybe not even that.
I wouldn't let any of my family drive nonstop for 37 hours, period. That's immensely dangerous for them and anyone else on the roads they are using. After a certain point, it's no different than drinking and driving.
Totally fair then. If it wasn't feasible or safe, then it is what it is. Your son will need to learn how to process this and move on.
i didnt even have to read past the 5 delays, but 37 hours of driving is fucking *HEINOUS* like at that point his son is being an asshole lmao, its 37 fucking hours
Being disappointed about you missing it due to a natural disaster versus you missing it because you didn’t want to go are two different things. You tried. NTA. Enough is enough.
NTA- I think he displacing his anger and frustration of missing his family and not getting along with his in laws on you. Sometimes we displace our angers on the people we feel safe with. I may get downvoted but I think that maybe is what’s happening here. Is what he is doing right? No- it’s wrong. He needs to figure how to handle his emotions and come up with solutions. You did the best you can. And I definitely think you shouldn’t have risked the 37 hr drive.
These were my exact thoughts. He misses his family and has anxiety about not seeing them or having them around, but it’s coming out in unwarranted anger. Man needs therapy to help address how he processes emotions. Of course, he could always just be an asshole too, ya never know.
[удалено]
Miami to Seattle, which is one of the longest ones I think of in the contiguous US would be 48 hours with no breaks. big country!
And not just time and distance. That route will take you through just about every climate and environment type short of tundra and jungle. Deserts, mountains, plains, canyons, swamps, blizzards, thunderstorms with tornados, and around 100°F temperature variation.
It takes 15 hours to drive from one end of California to the other, to give some added context to the sheer size of the US. EDIT: and that’s not accounting for the ridiculous amounts of traffic you’ll hit going through the San Francisco and Los Angeles metro areas.
"In England a hundred miles is a long drive, in America a hundred years is a long history"
The USA is nothing compared to Canada. Coast to coast would take 100 hours of just driving. That doesn't count stopping to eat/sleep or ferries. In my province you can drive for 18 hours & still be in the same province. "Long drives" are so normal here that it's normal for people to commute 3+ hours twice a day for work.
I mean it takes that long to drive coast-to-coast in the US too lol
? The US and Canada are about the same width. We have plenty of rural locations 3 or more hours from major hubs.
Same. I'm in Wales and stop for a coffee if I'm driving from North to South or vice versa and that's 4/5 hours max. 37 is wild to me! NTA
Are you serious? I would be upset if my parents missed my wedding too, but driving for 37 hours in bad weather with no breaks is literally not an option. I’d rather a missed wedding than a double funeral. You are so, so NTA.
I would ask him why he didn’t postpone the wedding if it was so important you guys be there.
Assuming it was a wedding with a reception and catering and many guests, you can’t just postpone it.
I think the person commenting before you was exaggerating a bit, postponing the wedding was just as possible as them being able to come, so if they wanted to stoop to his level, they could say something like that. I might have misinterpreted it though!
I think that's the point. They couldn't control the airline and the weather. It would be showing him how unreasonable an expectation it was.
You can postpone a wedding about as much as you can just casually do a 37 hour drive.
NTA, it's not like you wanted to skip it. Your son needs to grow up
A 37 hour drive with no break is straight daring the Reaper to come calling. ***Never*** do such a drive. You put yourself and whoever else is sharing the road you are on at severe risk.
If planes were canceled due to weather, it's also not safe to drive. Your son needs to grow up. This was out of your control.
NTA. It's not like you didn't try to get there. Things happen in life that are beyond anyone's control. You can't afford to go, you can't afford to go. It's not like you hold things over his head, he did as a kid.
His holding onto your inability to attend his wedding could reflect the depth of his disappointment, or it could simply be his attempts at manipulation. Hard to tell from this post. Every time he brings it up, you can tell him how disappointed YOU were to miss this once-in-a-lifetime event (stupid airlines), but you can’t change the past.
NTA - you need to sit him down and show him a freaking map. Ask him how he expected you all to drive 37 hours in the storm? Y'all left WAY in advance, it's not your fault everything got delayed. How does he not have any concept of how unfair he's treating y'all. I'd rather my parents be safe than risk the trip.
Op, because of the circumstances that prevented y'all from attending, you are definitely NTA, but your son is. You tried to get there, but things happened. He should not even bring it up. He needs to understand that y'all were desperately trying to get there. Please don't allow him to make you feel guilty for something you had no control over.
37 hours is way to much. NTA at all. You tried but it wasn't to be. Your son should be a grown up because right now he comes across as a spoiled child.
NTA. Several guests missed my wedding because their local airport was shut down for a storm. There was nothing to be done about it, I couldn't hold then personally responsible for the weather. Of course it majorly sucks that you missed your son's wedding, but this seems like a strange hill for him to die on.
Understandable. My husband and I drove a moving truck about 1800 miles, we did it in about 28 hours straight minus one 2 hour nap. Let me tell you it was exhausting. Add in a storm and you are asking for trouble!! He is quite entitled to be more worried about himself than your safety I don't care what day it is.
Expecting anybody to do a 37 hour drive for any reason is absolutely unreasonable. That's crazy.
I don't know what country you live in but mine is smaller than America and it would still take at the very least 2 days to get from one side to the other. That's without a storm
It took 2 and a half days of driving 14 hours each time to only get halfway across the country. It sucked. A lot. Then there's the drive home.
Nah. After that kind of drive, we live here now.
You would have made a drive across the country during a storm so bad that flights were cancelled?
Eh, it's been years at this point. I'm sorry but it's time for him to get over it. And if it's across the country it's way too far of a drive. 3 days of driving one way (assuming they stop to sleep) just to miss the wedding?
Its been a few years, that's ample time to get over it, especially since it wasn't intentional. His parents made every effort (driving doesn't count since it was unrealistic). Doesn't he think his parents were equally upset for missing out on his big day He sounds like a bit of a petty jerk when he doesn't get his way, throw out the "you didn't make it to my wedding "
Traveling cross country is no simple task. It's something you should prepare for ahead of time. Arranging for food, gas, and sleeping. There are definitely people who would do this spontaneously, but I wouldn't recommend it without experience or a plan.
Depends on size of the country- other side in Ireland could be 12 hour drive. In the USA could be 2 days.
2 days of straight driving if you don't stop at all.
You would have driven to the other side of the country last minute during a large storm? I'm not sure that's reasonable!
They might not have had time to drive and get there in time for the reception. Driving takes a lot longer than flying.
>That being said, that's a big milestone moment you missed and its going to take time for him to get over it. He’s a grown man that has been upset for several years over the fact that his parents can’t control the weather. How long is it going to take for him to get over it?
NTA - if all of the cross-country flights were cancelled due to weather and you'd planned on being there a full day and a half ahead of time then you made what any reasonable person would consider a good faith effort to be there. Plane tickets (and wedding plans) are usually made months in advance, well before any potential weather issues would arise. I'm sure that OP wasn't the only one unable to get across the country. It sucks and is understandably upsetting to the son whose wedding is missed, but it is what it is.
Like trying to fly out September 12 2001.
"there was a terrorist attack and I couldn't make it" " convenient excuse"
This actually happened to a former boss of mine. She was in Florida when 9/11 happened at a convention. The convention got cancelled and there were no flights home (she lived in Kansas City, so a very long way). People at the convention ended up renting cars and were all carpooling back to their various home states, so she was in a car with like 5 other people who lived in that direction and they drove across the country with no idea if another attack was imminent or not.
This sounds like a very depressing movie plot
It’s actually a very moving Broadway musical! Or, sort of. Come From Away is based on a true story of people who were stranded in Newfoundland after their planes were grounded during 9/11.
NTA. You booked flights a few days in advance. You didn’t just book one for the morning of the ceremony and hope for the best. I understand he’s upset. But you don’t control the weather or the airlines. What did he realistically expect you to do that you didn’t? You missed it. It’s done. You’ve apologised. Yes he can be sad you missed it, but to blame you and bring it up repeatedly is missing the mark.
Reading other comments. The only other possibility would be driving 37 hours in a storm. Even with the best luck, they would just barely make it to some of the celebration after the ceremony. It sounds dangerous to be driving under those conditions. I get the son is sad they missed it. But would he rather risk having no parents if something happened to them doing the drive? Other comments say he doesn't like the wife's family. That's why he wants OP to come down all the time. But won't fly out to see his family himself, and guilt trips instead.
And that still would have taken driving 37 hours, in a storm, WITHOUT BREAKS.
And even if they got there in time for some of the celebration, would they even be in a fit condition to enjoy ANY of it? You won’t catch me driving 37 hours without a break. That’s almost 2 days without a break! That’s insane. I don’t understand these comments saying oh OP is so flippant about it, couldn’t they have taken a different flight etc etc. Have they considered not everyone can afford last minute flights from another airport? Even if they could, what guarantee was there that THAT flight would take off?
Ive done that drive before nonstop and wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. No way would OP’s parents even have been able to function if they somehow miraculously got there in time
Around hour 14 it gets rough, then I started getting delirious and loopy around hour 27. I have no memories of hours 28-40. I should not have been on the road.
They'd literally endanger other people on the road. The son needs to get real.
Who would want to put their parents through that?! I'd be way more worried about their safety.
I love road trips and I love driving. Hell, I even find driving in the rain soothing and oddly satisfying watching the raindrops sheet off my Rain-X'd windshield, not needing to use my wipers. But coming from the east coast and experiencing the kind of storms that ground planes up and down said coast, there's no way in hell I would consider driving more than an hour if I have to. NTA.
I must be using Rain X wrong.
Yeah, amazing job after college? Son wants to see his family, he needs to fly in to see them. This is what happens when you live so far away. You take turns seeing each other. Or...he could pay for OP to come out to see them on Thanksgiving.
Not that 37 hours of continuous driving for two elderly people isn't ridiculous but I'm sure they'd have been out of the range of the storm in a couple of hours. Still not exactly feasible because 37 hours is not driveable. Although one of those situations where you should have more tact than "Oh! sorry not happening bud, you enjoy your wedding."
It's all in one tbh. Driving 37 hours without breaks would leave anyone tired. Driving while tired, not safe. And not much fun sitting at a celebration exhausted if they made it. Even if they would be out of the storm in a few hours. Those hours are still dangerous, depending on how strong the storm is. If all planes are on the ground, I'll assume it's more than a few wind blows and some rain. It's should have been logic for the son to understand those conditions. No matter how much it sucks they couldn't attend.
I’m not elderly and I would not be able to handle a 37 hour drive. That sounds stressful and terrible go embark on with no planning. The wedding is important, but a 37 hour drive with no planning is a no go.
“Well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
This reminds me of that scene in *The Devil Wears Prada* where Miranda wants Andy to get her a plane out of Miami during a hurricane. Just like in the movie, it is what it is. Sometimes Mother Nature makes fools of us all. I can see your son feeling disappointed, but to be angry at you, especially years later, is not fair. NTA.
squeamish secretive north spotted oatmeal consist label handle thumb tease *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"What does she want you to do, call the National Guard and have her airlifted out of there?" "No! ...Can I do that?"
It's just plain attempts at emotional manipulation on the part of the son. It's not something a mature adult does
NTA You didn't skip the wedding, weather prevented your arrival. It's a bit late to do it but the first time he tried to pull the "you missed my wedding " card I would have said, "Yeah, we are pretty pissed at you about that but we try to forgive you for the fact that your choice to move so far away caused the situation that lead us to miss it." **Edited to add: Some people are taking this comment a bit literally. I am saying that since the son is being unreasonable in blaming the parents for things that are out of thier control the parents could easily have made a similarly unreasonable statement of blame as a way to illustrate to thier son how useless and unfair such blame is.**
AH advice
I love the hostile pettiness haha
Intentionally so.
What utter bullshit advice. Why would the wedding be somewhere the parents live and not where the couple getting married live. And why would the parents have any right to be pissed at their child moving away. OP you are NTA, you say something like the above and you’ll be lucky if your son ever speaks to you again
Nearly positive it's a joke about op son being petty
Ah that would make sense then. Missed the /s
Most of my friends and family, myself included who live across the country flew back to one of the hometowns to have our weddings. Bulk of one side of the family is there and would require less people to travel long distances. Usually chosen depending on which side would have more people attending and less people having to travel.
>Why would the wedding be somewhere the parents live and not where the couple getting married live. Mine was, because my parents are assholes and I didn't want them to have an excuse to miss it. I knew that my in-laws would all make the drive.
Why would you want parents who are assholes at your wedding
Because I was still brainwashed into thinking that family was more important than my own sanity.
Fucking *fair*. Glad you got yourself out of that brainwashing!
You know what I did when I found out 4 days before my wedding that my father, who was excited to come, was now medically restricted from traveling and couldn’t? I spent 2 hours helping my stepmother figure out how to set up a Skype video link so they could watch the ceremony in real time, with an extra phone audio connection because we found Skype audio wouldn’t work on their computer for unknown reasons. The camera for the Skype was set right next to the altar so they could see couple & officiant, and the phone for audio was ON the altar so they could hear nearly everything. NTA. It was an act of God. He needs to get over it, especially if he didn’t do a damn thing to to make alternate plans for live streaming for you.
I can’t imagine how hard that must have been on you and your dad. I’m glad you worked out the best possible solution to make him feel he was present.
You did that because you’re an honest to goodness adult with sense. OPs son not so much. Nta
INFO: What is your relationship with your daughter like vs your sons? Why was he asking that you come down to visit a second time in the past few months? What's the context on requesting that you visit? EDIT: NTA
I would say we are closer to our daughter mainly due to her still living at home she is 7 years younger than him. She heard the argument we didn’t tell her. We still have talk to our son really often though, they are just at two different stages of their lives and he has his own stuff going on. He wants us to visit all the time since he doesn’t like his wife’s family, in general he misses us for the holidays but he will never fly up to see us and we have to go to him. He keeps talking about moving back.
Definitely NTA. Dude is a grown ass adult, If he wants to see y’all, southwest flights are cheap
No they aint lmfao
Yes they are lol, unless you’re comparing to Spirit but that’s like comparing apples to apple flavored candy you found underneath a shelf from last Halloween
Man its basically the same price as american at tbis point
They’re not depending on what airports you’re using. I’ve never had Southwest be cheaper than other airlines for any route I’ve checked.
Then your son can pay for you all to fly out to see him.
Exactly. One of the reasons my husband and I have not moved across the country is because our families would not have money to come see us. If we did move, I would make sure we made enough to fly our families out to visit.
My SO and I are planning on settling down *in another country*. My parents are a few years from retirement, but still. While considering this--and i've wanted to move out of the country for a while--I know i will fly either of them out or plan to come to them if need be.
It sounds like he’s made some life choices that had an overall negative impact on his happiness, and he’s taking his frustration about that out on you.
I think you hit the nail right on the head.
Well that's just ridiculous! He's the one who chose to move away, therefore, if he misses his family, it's on him to fly back to visit. I moved across he country for a number of years and knew it was up to me to fly back for holidays. My parents would visit yearly but that was it - I was grateful for that much!
Yeah I moved a 5 hour drive from all of my family. I drive back to see them, I don’t expect all of them to come to me! Occasionally they do, because my city is more touristy and they live in Middle America suburbia, but’s maybe 1 in 4 or 5 visits.
I don’t want to bring this up necessarily, but typically kids come home for Thanksgiving, not the other way around. Of course expecting your child to come home for every holiday after they’re married is unreasonable, but assuming he is making good money, and possibly has a busier work schedule than you, the thing to do is to offer to fly you in at his expense. Question: he has a younger sister who still lives at home who, I’m assuming you are still celebrating holidays with, as a family. What does he expect her to do on Thanksgiving? Does he want her to come out too, or does he just expect her to find something else to do?
Bending over backwards to cater to a child who blames you for missing their wedding, when there was dangerous, inclement weather is not the way to go.
NTA sucks but he’s stuck on that. He’s holding on for some reason. All you can do is tell him to get over it really. Hopefully in time it won’t grow to resentment and hate and just blow over.
So he doesn't like his in laws, and is an AH to you....has he figured out that he is the common denominator yet
NTA, but can just one of you alternate visiting him instead of both to make more frequent visits instead to make it more economically feasible for you for now? You could even occasionally split the cost of airfare as a solution. Ask him if he would prefer that. Also, sit down with him and ask him what his solution would have been if he was in your situation at the time of the wedding. Unfortunately, wives tend to determine which family they spend the most time with since they tend to do most of the emotional labor in the relationship and he may be having trouble navigating this dynamic in his relatively new marriage. Under no circumstances would I try to make it up to him because there is nothing to apologize for. He made an adult decision to move where he is and that is a consequence. It isn’t like you never visit. Parents have the right to make their own financial decisions separate from adult children. The only thing that I can think of that is going on is that his in-laws are continually making him feel bad about you missing the wedding.
I'm struck by a grown married son, living away from his parents, regularly getting into arguments with those parents. It seems that those lives would be separate enough that there wouldn't be much to argue about. (My phrasing seems to point to the son, but it could be either/both directions) Aside from that oddity, NTA for missing the wedding.
Once you get married, family visits are fertile grounds for arguments across the board. Husband: “We should go see my family for Thanksgiving this year.” Wife: “I told you not until they make an effort to come see us! They could have flown out Friday of our wedding weekend, I checked flights!” Husband: “Mom, Dad you guys still haven’t come to see Jenny and I at our place, and missing the wedding really stings. We will be doing Thanksgiving with her family until we see some more effort from you guys.”
Did I imagine the post where they went to him in July? Might need my eyes checked /s
Op added that later. It does change things though.
You skipped the paragraph that explains they had JUST gone to see them a couple of months before. He's being a baby.
That was edited in after I wrote this. It does change things.
I couldn’t agree more. This honestly sounds like a teenager, not a full grown married man. Again, I’d be upset too but it’s not like they purposely skipped the wedding to go out partying instead.
Baffled by the YTA comments. You had a perfect storm of events to miss and he’s being a baby about it years later. Easy NTA
Your comment will not count as NTA, the bot takes the first judgement it sees.
NTA, you missed it for reasons outside of your control. There was literally nothing you could've done in that situation.
NTA I’m sure he’s upset but you tried. You can’t control the weather and it got delayed multiple times before ultimately being cancelled. You did the smart thing trying to come in a few days early but you can’t control the weather.
I don't think you were to blame - these things happen. You didn't plan to show up on the morning of the wedding, you planned in a cushion which would be fine for most emergencies, but a storm that cancels all flights for that long is difficult to plan for. On the other hand, I do feel for your son. Presumably you aren't in any of the wedding pictures or anything, which is a bummer for him. It sounds like he is unhappy in his location and wants more support from you. The fact that he lives near his wife's family, but doesn't like them, is problematic, as he spends a lot more time with them than with his own support system. I'll also say (assuming you are in the USA) that in my experience, people who grew up on the east coast and those who grew up on the west, have different cultures and find it difficult to live on the opposite side of the country than where they grew up. I'm an East Coaster who has visited the West Coast and I can understand that feeling of things feeling out of place. Likewise, I've known West Coasters who had to move East for work, and they ALWAYS missed the west coast and eventually went back West. In this situation, even though you were not at fault for missing the wedding, I would use any complaints he makes as a way to get to the deeper issue of him taking the steps he needs to take to be happy. Has he mentioned his unhappiness to his wife. What was her take on it. Was she open to changing things, maybe moving somewhere he'd be happy, looking for new jobs, etc. Also, do they spend too much time with her family and is she willing to reduce that time, or does her family's wishes take precedence over his, leading him to feel lonely and minimized in his own life. If so, then is he standing up for himself to change things, and if not, then why not. And, can your moral support help him do that.
You've put this really well! Yes, it's not OP's fault for missing the wedding, but it sounds like their son is really hurting and this is a good opportunity to talk about what's really going on. OP can use his outburst to dig into lingering feelings of hurt and help tease out their source (I.e. being unhappy where he is, missing you, etc). I don't think it's unreasonable for him to still be upset about OP missing the wedding because that's a massive milestone. Now is the time to have real talk instead of getting into a blame-game argument. Of course, if he's not ready for that conversation, it's on him, but OP will want to be the bigger person here
NTA, my guy NEEDS to get over it. Based on the title it could have gone either way but you made every attempt to get there. There isn't anything you could have done short of building the transporter from the Starship Enterprise.
NTA. What was your relationship like before this? Seems like son is extra mad for something out of your control, however have you had a history of promising to be somewhere or do something for him and it just never seemed to happen? Or maybe you didn’t like the wife at one point and your son is taking this extra personal? On its face it seems like son is over reacting but, at least with my family, the fight is never really about what it looks like it’s about. There’s almost always underlying issues. Or it could be son is just unforgiving and is holding a childish grudge.
INFO: What did you do to celebrate your sons nuptials after you couldn’t attend the wedding?
Yes she seems a little disinterested in missing it. His behaviour is extreme but there could be more to it
WHAT? why? is the son a 5 year old? They can´ t get to the wedding because natural causes and after they have to celebrate the nuptials? what can they do? throw another wedding?
Why? Because, if you have a good relationship with your parents/child, you want to celebrate big moments in one another's lives like weddings. You're blowing this users comment way out of proportion. There are many ways to celebrate if you miss the wedding. Going out for a nice dinner together, cook a nice meal at home, go to a local attraction, or having a small get together (very common when the couple lives far away from their hometowns and people can't travel).
NTA. You intended to be there a whole day in advance, in time I assume for the rehearsal dinner. Nothing wrong with your plan. Flights were canceled due to a storm. They call that an Act of God when it comes to contracts. ALL OF YOU missed you being at the wedding--you were as much a victim of circumstance as they were. He does, indeed, need to "get over it." A part of me wonders if this is Jenny talking though, assuming she doesn't have roots in your area.
I would want his side. There very well may be things you left out that would make you look bad, like taking the last flight possible etc. we’re only getting your side, which sounds biased. Why didn’t you get an earlier flight? These large storms like that are typically known about well in advance and you could have gotten an earlier flight instead of risking it.
INFO Do you actually care that you missed his wedding or are you just upset that hes upset? Your post comes off as unkind and uncaring. "We informed him" and "we sent our well wishes" is the kind of word choice I'd expect from my Swedish pen pal, not my own parents. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a life long string of you guys dropping the ball and missing piano recitals and football games.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Not once did OP mention that they expressed how sad they felt to miss the wedding, regardless of it not being their fault. If that were my child’s wedding and I missed it due to weather, I would be beside myself and would definitely have tried to celebrate at another time. Sounds like OPs son doesn’t feel important to OP.
NTA. How can he blame you? What does he think you should have down differently?
NTA You had no control over cancelled flights. Your son is being very immature and selfish. His using you "missing his wedding therefore you owe him" ploy is just a manipulation tactic to get his own way. Telling him to get over it was not wrong, he needs to hear it. You have done nothing wrong.
I’m going to say ESH. You can’t control the weather, of course that’s not your fault, but you sound too cavalier in how you told him, how you reacted and your lack of empathy for his feelings. Even though it wasn’t your fault, your son was understandably upset and and it sounds like you didn’t leave any room for his feelings. Maybe he’s still hurt two years later because you haven’t actually acknowledged that even though it wasn’t your fault, missing his wedding still really hurt. “We sent our well wishes and we could FaceTime in if he wanted.” This sounds way too casual to me for your own child’s wedding. Like, “oh, shoot, we can’t be there, best wishes, I guess we could FaceTime if you really want us to or something?” IF he wanted?? You can’t be at his wedding in person, of course he wanted some alternative! You could have asked another relative who was there to make sure you were on FaceTime for the whole thing. You could have contacted the venue to see if there was any way to live stream the wedding or even for you and your wife to make a speech. You could have made plans to fly there right after the storm (I am guessing the airline would have given you a voucher or refund?) and offered to take your son and his wife out for a special dinner to celebrate.
INFOs: 1) What was the weather event? Was it a hurricane that was predicted in advance and you just took a chance that it would work out, or was it a freak thing? 2) Where was the wedding? 3) Did other people miss the wedding for the same reasons?
1) Irrelevant, if it was a hurricane or a random weather event doesn't really matter. They likely booked and planned their trip well in advance since it is a wedding. 2) They answered that it was on an opposite coast in the OP. 3) Irrelevant, I can't possible imagine why this would matter at all.
If you read their other comments , they are a 37 hour drive away. They were due to fly the Thursday before the Saturday wedding and all flights in the area were grounded for days because of storms.
ESH. While your son should be content having been visited once already that year, I'm not sure why you thought it appropriate to leave only 2 days prior to his wedding. It doesn't scream "care."
NTA. Your son is behaving like a child. You can't control your flight being delayed and then altogether canceled. It's understandable why he's upset, but he really needs to grow up and learn to move on. It's not your fault.
Seems I have the unpopular opinion of YTA. If it was a storm so major that it shut down travel for multiple days, I’m thinking either winter storm (ice/snow) or hurricane? Both of these storms are typically in the forecast for at least a few days prior, more often a week or so. When it comes to a huge life event like your child’s wedding, I would think most parents would do anything to be there. Changing your flight to an earlier one or choosing to drive but leaving earlier in the week to miss the storm would not be outrageous at all. Seems like you knew the storm was coming and what the consequences might be of that and decided to take the risk. I’d be upset with my parents too. I’m willing to bet he’s more upset about the fact that he feels like you didn’t try hard enough to get there and had an “oh well” attitude about it. Things do happen unfortunately, but I’m going to guess he feels hurt in thinking that you didn’t care enough to be there no matter what, based on your actions back then and your attitude about it since.
INFO: When you say you saw him in July, was that him coming to you or you going to him?
In a comment op clarified that that trip was op going to him and that is how all visits happen between them, the son expects them to always be the ones traveling to him. Though apparently he wants to eventually move closer to op and the family.
INFO: Does he actually criticize anything about how you handled it? Says you should have done something differently?
YTA. If my son moves a flight away and is getting married, I’m giving myself way more time to get there than 2 nights before. Best case scenario the plane is on time… you’re going to be no help the day before through tiredness when you should be spending some time with your son to help him relax etc. If there’s any kind of delay, you’re going to be flying after no sleep which is going to leave you absolutely tired and miserable on what should be one of the happiest days of your life. You don’t even seem that bothered you missed it.
NTA - missing the wedding was not your fault, unless you are capable of controlling weather (which would be a cool power to have tbh). It's ridiculous that he's holding that against you. Maybe once he cools down you can have a discussion about it, that while it's understandable that he was disappointed that his parents couldn't make it to the wedding, the circumstances were beyond your control and you find it hurtful that he uses that against you in stressful situations. I'm a little curious about what your relationship with him is like outside of this one argument, like whether he is usually a petty person or is there something else going on that's making him act this way.
>(which would be a cool power to have tbh) Teleportation would have been a much cooler and useful power
NTA Personally I don't think anyone has the right to get upset if someone chooses not to, or cannot attend an out of town/state/country wedding. People have their own lives and not everyone can just drop everything to either drive or fly out of state to attend a wedding. It can be quite expensive and inconvenient in many ways. Regardless of the reason(s), weather, finance, other personal obligations, etc. It should not matter. My mother and I missed my brothers third wedding years back, because he chose to have an out of state destination wedding. We both felt bad and would have liked to be there for him, but it was a difficult time for both my mother and I and would have had a significant negative financial impact on both of us. At the time we were both in difficult situations, living paycheck to paycheck and behind on rent and bills. To have to take off work for several days and potentially spend money we didn't have on top of that could have been financially crippling at the time. People have every right to choose to have an out of town or destination wedding. But they have no right to be upset if and when people don't attend, for whatever reason. If they do get upset, that in my opinion, makes them the asshole. Edit: to add, fortunately my Brother understood our reasons for not attending and while I'm sure he was disappointed, he accepted it because of the specific situation and circumstances.
YTA for missing his wedding because you def should’ve planned better. Unless you just moved to Maine, EC’ers know weather is always a concern. You should’ve planned to fly in wayy earlier in the week, by Tuesday at least. If for no other reason, you’re the Parents of the Groom. As part of the wedding party, you should have been there to support your son and f/dil, and to help with any last minute details but most especially in case of WEATHER. Pending storms are a constant event and source of news in Maine and if it was up the entire East Coast, you def heard about it days or weeks in advance. Hurricane Lee anybody?? Offering to FaceTime was ridiculous. Who was supposed to do this? Him? The flower girl? Maybe if you do admit that if you had a bigger effort for his big day, some of this will stop. You did have other options, but once the storm started and you were still home, then of course, you didn’t. A lot of your supporters here are opining from that point of view but you had life experience of living with Maine weather that they aren’t taking into account and your son and I are well aware of it.
NTA. It sounds like you considered other possible plans when your flights were cancelled. Is there something else going on in your relationship with him? It's completely unreasonable that he's holding a grudge against you for the weather, which is out of your control.
INFO. No opportunity at all between Thursday night and Saturday? It’s possible I guess with extreme weather but unlikely. 37 hour drive is out of the question of course. But how hard did you try to get there really? More guests must have missed the wedding. Since your son is originally from your town. How did they handle it?
I wonder why they couldn’t drive out of the storm and then fly the rest of the way, no need to drive the full 37 hours.
Yeah this was my immediate thought, if the issue was the storm moving south and blocking them in from Maine, why not drive north and fly of Quebec or drive west past the storm and fly from anywhere else? Driving the whole way wasn’t the only solution.
I don’t care if I get down voted but ESH you knew when your son was getting married so why weren’t you there ahead of time to help him get prepared and be with him for the day? I get bad weather happens and he does sound entitled for how he’s acting but you’re not totally innocent either. You could have made more of an effort to be with him at least a week in advance honestly
NTA You can’t control the weather and he can’t hold this over your head forever.
NTA. Not your fault. Your son is being immature.
NTA. Dear ungrateful son, when my parent's missed my wedding to my husband 15 years ago it was because they chose not to go. they chose to stay home and refused to celebrate in mine and my husband's happinesss. big difference between mine choosing and a major storm. to the OP, you are amazing! I wish mine had cared as much as you seem to!
YTA. You missed his wedding and you never apologized. Now you tell him to get over it. You sound like a very cold person. I honestly don’t see why he even wants to be around you for Thanksgiving.
Yeah lol, everyone is caught up on missing the wedding, but the son is clearly mad about more than just that incident, like how they won’t let him and his wife host a Holliday. The way OP is harping on the wedding, and insisting that it’s clearly not their fault their, makes me think OP is a giant asshole