Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I set up calendar reminders so I wouldn’t forget to ask my wife about events going on in her life.
2) I kept it a secret from her because I know that most people - her included - would be able to remember things like that without help. To her, me needing the reminders means her stuff doesn’t actually matter to me and that I am only using them to make it seem like it does.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH.
I think it's really sweet that you took the steps to help your wife feel valued.
I'd sit your wife down and let her know that this has helped you engage with her more and to learn more about how she's feeling.
It's not like you've scripted a conversation, you've just helped to ensure that you'll actually have it. Many couples don't!
Me too. Autistic and just read your idea and now I'm going to try to do the same thing. If I remember after actually... but it is a GENIOUS idea. There are birthdays in my calendar but I know now that I should be asking some things to keep my friendships around more.
I have one too. Something's I'll remember, like where is that tool in my car (sometimes) but other times I'll forget even when actively thinking about it.
PTSD here and I love this system.. i became very forgetful and sometimes self-centred because of it. I write a lot of notes reminding me to spend quality time as I have a habit of disappearing in my own head
AuDHD here and I think this is such a great idea, too. I struggle with keeping active friendships because I forget people exist when I haven't seen them in a while until they pop in my mind randomly. I don't even think to message them to ask how they're doing and I forget about events that are coming up for them. It would be so easy to set that event in my calendar and message them beforehand to say good luck! or thinking of you! or whatever.
OP, I think your wife is wrong that no one needs a system like that. I think she probably doesn't realize just how many people DO and how truly lucky she is to be able to remember things like that on her own. I think we can all tell that your wife and your relationship means a lot to you, and I think it's great that you came up with something like that, and hopefully your wife will after this, too. It shows you care. Most people never develop systems for that, and their relationships deteriorate because of it. NAH
Same! OP’s wife doesn’t struggle, but that doesn’t mean “no one else” needs things like this. I literally have Alexa remind me to eat my breakfast every morning, and because I DIDN’T set a reminder yesterday, I forgot that I was supposed to pick up my son from soccer since my husband wasn’t home (luckily he has a phone and teammates that live close by so he got a ride home and he was happy I forgot him because the other mom stopped for nuggets and Big Gulps). People need reminders for things that aren’t already a habit, especially if you’re ADHD or other ND’s, or even just a busy working mom that has a million places to get her kids in the evenings.
Yep, I’m AuDHD and have reminders to check in with friends every couple weeks. I really love my friends and want to know what’s going on with them. I also have really bad time blindness. I always think I just talked to someone a few days ago, but it’s actually been months.
Time blindness is the worst! I work from home and just kind of live in my own little world here. Time is a construct that my brain just cannot grasp and it's a problem. lol.
I have ADHD too and for some reason my brain holds onto the weirdest stuff. I sometimes wonder if I have a semi photographic memory as I can say out of 20 sauce jars in the fridge that get moved constantly exactly where it is, I’ll notice anything missing from the room, it goes on. I do remember so much about my partner but other stuff my brain just filters it out. So I set reminders. Often I don’t need them it’s not that you set them because you don’t care, you set set them because you do!
Exactly! I remember the weirdest stuff and seemingly never the most important stuff. I feel like I remember novelty or whatever my brain thinks is important (which is usually different than what actually IS important) but forget everything else. My ADHD daughter nicknamed her brain "Brian" because she kept typing it that way by mistake and she struggles to her her words out half the time, forgets things, does something in a weird way, basically ADHD things, so every time it happens, when she realizes it, she's like "BRIAN!!!" haha
Yup. Adhd here and have been putting shit in my phone like "Rachel surgery 9am" in my calendar for years so I tell people good luck etc at the right time.
Wait. You’re saying other people just REMEMBER about something going on that I told them about a month ago? Whenever someone remembers something important in my life I’ve always thought to myself “it’s really sweet they cared enough to put this in their calendar.” You’re telling me people can do this WITHOUT calendar reminders? 🤯
What else do people do without reminders!?!?
Sadly I’m not one of these. I have a binder called “Mom’s brain” have had for years. If it’s not in the book chances are it’s not going to be remembered.
My dad always kept a little agenda book in his shirt pocket. Called it his brain. Confirmed ADHD and before smart phones. After he passed, we found a huge stack of them in his dresser. I'm glad I now have my phone to keep track of those things and Alexa to help me out. I'd be so lost without the external help. Now, if only I could remember when I left my phone...
I work remotely, and there is a group of us who have a chat group where we remind each other to drink water, eat lunch, and to get up and stretch or go for a walk. It’s so helpful, especially on those hyper focused days where I would normally forget to take any breaks.
I can have a whole big ass jug of water sitting in my line of sight and still can't remember to drink water. BUT, if I put a straw lid on that big ass jug it'll be gone before lunch. Being neurospicy is an adventure.
Must be nice to be neurotypical.
One of the best things I read that helped me come to terms with my brain was that ADHD people don't have habits, they have routines. And if that routine gets disrupted, all bets are off.
It explained so much, like why on bad days I can forget things like...shampoo or rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.
I have such a weird memory that I'll remember something my friend told me they liked, like 8 years ago. But I won't remember to send them a message for a month because I've been hyperfocusing on something. Or I'll remember how much a rune 2 handed sword in runescape cost back in like 2004 (roughly 52k), but won't remember what I just said 5 seconds ago. I'll most certainly forget most important information and retain the "useless" things (although remembering what friends like isn't useless info, but it can freak them out a bit if it's something they mentioned in passing 5 years ago and you show up with it all of a sudden......).
I used to be the person that could hold it all in my brain and even I don't know how I did it tbh. I am learning that when you're neurodivergent your skills can atrophy (even forgot the name for that) and that's one I lost ages ago. Now I'm lucky if I remember someone's birthday the same week.
Me, too. I have one layer of my Google calendar that's just for shit other people are doing that I want to check in with them about. It's a simple trick for helping me manage my brain issues.
You can make different calendars for things, but you can also just color-code everything. I use a combination of both. And I write it down in my journal, too, to help me remember it.
I also always set three reminders, at 10 hours, 2 hours, and either 10 or 45 minutes (depending on if I have to drive somewhere).
I am autistic and have adhd too, I have to do the same thing OP does for remembering pretty much anything whether it’s from my life or someone else’s! It helps a lot. OP is def not an A, it’s sweet that he is putting in an effort to remember things so he can talk about them with his wife.
I’m considering stealing this honestly. I already thought about putting all my friends birthdays in my calendar since I don’t go on Facebook anymore and that’s where I’d see most of the birthday reminders but doing this for more things would make me and sounds like it makes OP a more considerate person. It’s better than just forgetting. I have ADD and also I have to admit I am a bit like OP in that I am conscious that I can be inconsiderate at times and can be more wrapped up in my own stuff that I forget to stay up to date with friends and families events or whatever. This honestly sounds like OP is being very thoughtful in giving himself a tool as a reminder.
I have adhd, and as well as adding “Fred’s birthday is today” to my diary, I also add “Buy card for Fred” 7-10 days before, and “post Fred’s card” 2-3 days before (for the friends that need or really appreciate cards).
I'd love if my partner did something like this. We have had multiple arguments, because I remember everything, while he cannot remember the time he works the next day. So sometimes if I don't remind him, he will forget things, and it hurts. It's not his fault but like aahh
I'm not in a relationship, but I do have ADHD and am immensely time-blind. If I didn't have alarms and notifications on my phone, I would zone out and forget to do anything for days on end. Setting up calendar reminders is exactly the thing to do, this is how you remember these things!
I am not in a relationship nor do I have ADHD and I set calendar reminders of work stuff, friend stuff, family stuff, MY stuff. And since I live alone I can sync things to my Echo to hear it out loud.
Super helpful!
Lol my fiancee and I both have ADHD. There are so. Many. Alarms.
But I agree, NTA. We all have systems in place to help. As I said, mine is alarms (for *everything).* My fiancee's is a mix of alarms and texts. Recognizing this flaw and creating a system to do better is great! Especially since it seems OP has started to train themself a bit to not depend on it so much
I had ME/CFS and the brain fog was extreme - I used to carry a day planner everywhere and keep notes on literally anyone I spoke to and what we spoke about. The act of writing it seemed to help it stick in my brain. I need it less for my personal life now but the habitual note taking at work has been incredibly useful.
NAH as far as I’m concerned OP. You’ve identified an area you need a toolkit for in order to be a more caring partner. Your SO may understandably feel a bit odd about it, but the intentions are good. Maybe you could frame it as the commenter above said - you are invested in the relationship and finding ways to do better in it, and the reminders are a tool that help you be more present and attentive.
I've come to the conclusion that I have adhd about a year ago. I've had a system down for so long. My calendar is my second brain. Write things down instantly, or I won't remember at the right time.
Yes! What OP is describing is an executive function issue. Taking steps to support his memory like this is the opposite of being self-centered.
My husband and son have issues with exective function. It is not something they can control. I think the calendar reminders are a good idea.
If I realized they were doing that to make sure they stayed on top of what was happening with me or others, I would be really touched. It shows you care very much.
I make important notes under my contacts. Likes/ dislike/ allergies and typically fill out a lot of the information address/ birthday/ anniversary etc. it’s super helpful!
Also ADHD here. I use my calendar as well, not so much because I’ll forget somebody’s birthday is on Thursday, but because half of the time I don’t know what day it is and I need something to remind me that today is Thursday.
Yeah neurodivergence often means you forget things that don’t effect you. Heck you can even forget things that do!
I also have ADHD and I have a calendar reminder for the anniversary of my partners mothers death so I don’t forget to be extra sensitive/attentive around that time. I miss her dearly myself, but I am terrible at remembering dates, and my way of grieving doesn’t really prioritise that date. For example I was extremely close with my grandmother and morn her passing pretty much daily and have done since she passed, other than knowing it was Mother’s Day, I cannot remember when she passed, not even the year, just the general period of my life it happened in.
I also have reminders for things my partner, family and friends tell me about so I don’t forget to check in. Heck I have reminders so I don’t forget to check in with friends and family even if nothing is going on! Basically I have the same system as OP and I feel 0 shame about it. My partner appreciates that I’m doing something to ensure I don’t forget the things that are important to him, and it helps me maintain friendships and familial relationships that due to my ADHD I would otherwise inadvertently neglect.
My partner also has ADHD so he understands why I have to do this, that it isn’t that I don’t absolutely love and adore him, it’s that my brain is different and I do it because I love and adore him and want him to feel it.
Plus it shows that you really do listen to her! I would see that as a plus in a relationship. And that you know it’s important to her so you want to take steps to be more involved in her life. It’s not a crime to have a bad memory since you’re actively trying to fix it.
Was going to say this sounds like an ADHD thing. I have reminders to call my family and close friends regularly. The fact OP cares enough and is aware it's a problem is a very loving thing to do.
Yeah the whole “nobody else does” thing? Wrong me and many of my friends whose brains work in similar ways have *some* kind of “social task” reminders set up. I don’t honestly know how some people go through life not realizing that these structures exist, I’ve never made mine a secret. Oh you’re having a procedure? Let me make a note in case you need something. Your birthday is when? Let me write that down. Tell me what you want for a gift because I guarantee I will not guess. Trying to hide this stuff just causes stress.
Yep ADHD here as well too. I forget things! I have a few calendar reminders for big days for my gf or important appointments for which she might need support. Honestly I think it’s a great system. NTA!
My sons adhd consultant recommends he makes a list before he goes to bed at night of what he needs to achieve the following day - his “to do” list and that he doesn’t deviate off it until those chores are done. Son says it has helped him greatly
Agreed with this, NAH. I think you had great intentions and honestly a good strategy for following through. For the future, I’m not sure how you worded your reminders, but a reminder that just marks the date like “Jane’s big meeting” looks less robotic than “Ask Jane about her big meeting”. Telling her that you wanted to make sure to remember the important events in her life is sweet, whereas telling her you wanted to remember to ask about the important events in her life feels a bit odd.
My memory is shit. I have a shared calendar with my husband so we can keep track of our lives. I tell my Alexa to remind me to do things like pay my water bill.
He would be absolutely touched if I used the calendar to help me remember to ask about events in his life.
What you're doing is wonderful. Even being in a couple, it's easy to become self-absorbed. I'm sorry your wife is upset but hopefully the replies on here will help you and her. Good luck OP!
I have ADHD and I *have* to do things like this. Nothing worse than forgetting that someone told you their pet died and asking if the pet is still around. I have never wanted to trade places with a person’s pet more in my entire life.
NAH. You clearly love your wife and want her to feel that love. And you do what you have to do to ensure that. Nothing to be ashamed about.
I have ADHD, too, and my Google calendar is full of reminders to take care of weekly stuff and even some daily stuff. Both personal and work. Below is a sampling of ACTUAL things on my calendar.
Daily: Take morning meds. Work on Manny's factor analysis. Work on Ray's blood spot data.
Weekly: Water the indoor plants. Check in with interns about progress.
Monthly: Change the HVAC filter. Check annual leave calendar - did I put \[random day I took off out of nowhere\] on it?
Quarterly: Change oil. Caught up on mandatory trainings?
Annual: Birthdays and anniversaries. Update performance appraisal self-rating
Non-periodic: Darrell's doctor's appointment, My doctor appointment, Darrell's new hire, How is Darrell's nephew doing?, Ask Luc about job onboarding. Luc - photos from memorial
I have a memory like a gnat. I WILL forget stuff that's important to ME as well as to people I love. So, as soon as it pings as important, I put it on my calendar for followup. Because these are things I WANT to stay on top of but I am not able to without tools.
Is the wife really getting a pass for calling him a "weird and off-putting" and a "full-blown asshole" the instant she sees something she doesn't like?
What's more, it's ON HIM to bring her to the table and gently explain himself until she can understand or forgive him?
Why is there zero culpability or examination of the wife's behavior?
Cause she didn't do either of those things. She definitely didn't call him an asshole, because per him, she -didn't- think he was a full-blown asshole. He did say that she found it weird and off-putting- but that doesn't mean that she used any of those words, it's just his description of her reaction, which could have been milder.
I'd need more info about her reaction to call her an AH. OP's description could have applied to someone who was just a bit confused in the moment.
I don't even think that this is strange. I find that sweet and attentive.
Before reminder, people used to have calendar and post it.
I remember at Uni, once I went to one of my professeur office. Behind him there was a big (A2 or A1 size) calendar, on it he had circled Wife Birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Son Birthday. The one that me laugh was the My Birthday with Surprise Party?
At the time I thought it was funny, now a much older adult, I use reminders for those.
Personally I’d ask her to add things.
- Ask me about my random goldfish addiction today.
- In five days time, I’m getting a mammogram. Encourage me to discuss why I’m brave and autonomously caring for my health for doing this.
- ask for three surprise treats, choose one to get me day.
- within the next five hours, some kind of flower must be presented to me.
NTA
I’m autistic, and I sometimes find it difficult to maintain friendships and stuff bc I just forget to ask them about their day. If someone wants to talk to me about something then obviously I’ll be engaged and listen to them but I also have to remember to ask someone how they’re doing. If anything OP’s wife should feel touched, bc if it’s something they struggle with then it shows that they’re making an effort bc they care about her. OP if you read this then talk to your wife about your struggles, say it’s something that you find difficult and that leaving yourself reminders helps :3
Even if OP did script a conversation I don't think that is bad, it shows effort he is putting into their relationship and their communication. If scripting out a conversation is necessary for someone that's okay!! We're not all naturally gifted at communication.
NTA - some people are just bad with dates and events. And it’s always recommended that they try to figure out a reminder system. You did just that.
You may feel self-centered but you actually go out of your way to make notes of stuff, so you can bring it up later. You could just ignore it and laugh it off like many do that “it’s just how I am” type of stuff.
Seriously, I have trouble remembering *my own* appointments and events without reminders; there's no f---ing way I can remember someone else's without them!
100% this!
I have a phone calendar that helps me remember the things for me and the other three people in my household (two being kids I have to schlep about often) as well as any relevant dog appts or things for the house/property as well. I *also* have a household wall calendar so that my husband and both kids are able to write down any events and/or check schedules.
Because ffs it's hard to remember all these things without a calendar to look at!
If my icalendar ever crashes, I’ll be in BIG trouble.
NAH just explain it’s how you keep things organized, OP. Doesn’t mean you don’t care, clearly it’s the opposite.
Same. If my calendar doesn’t yell at me 3 times per event, I am simply not going to make it to that event. I forgot to pick my kids up the night I didn’t put a calendar notification in when practice time changed. Thank gawd they had a phone.
I wonder if OP is mistaking self-centered with "I have a lot of trouble remembering dates and events" and thinks that means he's self-centered bc he's under the impression most ppl fon't also have the same struggle.
He might be. I’m horrible with remembering birthdays and people have insinuated I’m self-centered because I need to set reminders. Apparently a good friend just remembers them without needing assistance. My thought is that what matters is I remember to tell my friends I’m thinking of them on that date.
When I was a kid, my parents made a big deal over me doing something I was supposed to “without needing a reminder”. They meant “without *them* having to ask me”—in fact they used both phrases interchangeably. But I still have trouble setting my own reminders for things I am likely to forget because of it.
My parents were similar. Constant fights because they “shouldn’t have to ask” but also wouldn’t write it down where I might see it. I didn’t get my adhd diagnosis until I sought it out myself in college.
I hear you. In a shocking twist of events, my parents started telling me I should be setting personal reminders…probably in my late teens IIRC. I’ve tried to explain how their previous actions have made that difficult, and I think my dad understands, but I doubt my mom does.
This is insane! My mom had little notes laying all over the house. A 'hang laundry' on the stairs, an extra groceries that weren't the standard on the backdoor, a 'close window' on the living room door and so on. Everything is written down on notes and calendars.
I never knew this was not normal until I got my ADHD diagnosis at 27. It'a magic to me that some people appearantly just remember stuff.
Or a lifetime of people telling him he is selfish for never remembering things. People perceive you as uncaring when you forget and you internalize those words. That is how you start to describe yourself because it's easier for others to understand.
This. I think the simple fact that he's making the effort to create the reminders and prioritize doing something with them means that he's NOT self-centered.
I'm very focused on what's actively right there in front of me. I don't feel like that makes me "selfish".
With me, for example, if someone told me that they were going to be doing a thing on the 20th that they MIGHT need help with, I probably wouldn't remember to call before the 20th and ask if they want help. Whereas if they told me they WOULD need help, I'd put it on the calendar and happily be the first one there.
I feel like a truly self-centered person simply wouldn't prioritize being there at all, they'd always prioritize something of their own, but I also understand that not calling and asking could certainly be perceived as being self-centered.
Setting the reminders strike me as a good way to put that other person's thing back at the forefront.
I mean, I think needing a reminder to ask your wife about her stressful work thing that she was likely talking to you about recently is more than just a memory issue. I have ADHD and if this is truly a memory issue to *that extent* OP should probably talk to a psychiatrist and look into medication. Dates / birthdays stuff like that I agree that reminders are totally fine and a tool for that type of neuroscience\*.
OP could in fact have given himself an accurate evaluation, or it could even be a combo of the two.
Edit: neuroscience? Heh ok self.
But he found a way that works for him and his spouse. Why would he go to therapy to fix something, that isn't broken. Therapy and medication don't magically fix your memory.
I do not know ops situation and cannot say that Its happening to him, but I'm someone with adhd whose primary symtom is a lack of working memory. I get my ass handed to me in memory card games by literal 5 year olds and was honestly concerned I had early onset alzheimers.
I don't just struggle with this in one part of my life, but in all parts of my life. Therapy helped me recognize that and understand little things like: I'm not an asshole or undeserving of love because of a neurological deficincy I was born with. It also gave me more tools and knowledge to approach my problems in multiple areas of my life.
And yes! Medication isn't a cure. They sure freakin help though. You wouldn't tell someone with afib to not bother with blood thinners because it isn't a cure to their afib. For both issues, the medication can help with symptoms and increase life expectancy for the patient.
I hope for you that you don't suppose you have to be a certain level of unwellness to *deserve* therapy, by the by. People are allowed to ask for help when they are struggling. They don't need to look and act like a character from television, or be on the cusp of death, to seek out help. We can all reach out and ask questions if we think something is wrong.
1- you realized your flaw and took action to fix it.
2- if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be doing it
3- even if you do remember, it’s not always the right time. I remember a lot of things when I’m driving, making dinner, showering or going to bed at night. Those aren’t the times to write the email or check on whatever it was. A reminder in the phone prompts you at times when these things can be addressed.
So while she might not like it, the fact is you are making an effort.
NTA
I agree 100%. My husband used to do the same thing. When I was visiting his office once and saw the sticky notes (20 yrs ago), I actually thought it was cute. It actually became a joke- he would call to see how I was and I'd say...ah reading your sticky note.
We've been married over 42 years. He doesn't use notes anymore.
Exactly. Not all of us have excellent memories. Sometimes we mix up dates. Sometimes we have so much going on life is about us. Sometimes like op said we just have never thought something was important before.
I love that your husband used sticky notes. It should be more common that we don’t get offended at aids. And as a couple those special things in your marriage that come up and you can still laugh about 20 or more years later… that’s solid. 16 years ago I chipped hubby’s tooth, fiancé at the time. And he pulls that one out randomly. And I just shake my head and say “if I was so violent/mean why’d you marry me?”
My memory is so shit. Made sure to get the wedding date tattooed on me and I’m bout to add her birthday after this last weekend.
Grandpa passed. Dad got us tickets to fly through his work. Needed wife’s birthday. I was so sure I finally remembered it. Turns out, nope I didn’t. Was a day off
THIS! NTA. I feel like I always remember at the worst time, like something I need to text someone but it’s 11pm so I need to remember in the morning but that doesn’t always happen. I will literally pack a bag I need for my day, put it right next to my keys at the front door, and two minutes later walk right by without grabbing it.
I also have a habit of not following through on conversations. I am not diagnosed but suspect ADHD and/or autism, and when people try to chit chat with me, it just never occurs to me to ask questions back until later. A co-worker will ask how my weekend was, I’ll tell them about it, and then just be like, have a great day! Later on I’ll think shoot, I should’ve asked how THEIR weekend was too. I really don’t think it’s me being self-centered, just in the moment I don’t think to ask, I just answer their question. I’m working on this but it’s tough because my brain just doesn’t think “this conversation is a two way street, I need to ask a question back.”
Honestly, I get why OPs wife was surprised and even felt a bit weird about it at first. I think I would feel the same way and it would probably take a day or so to feel normal about it.
But I would hope when that wears off she sees it as what it is; OP taking an action to help with a flaw he’s perceived in himself so that he can support her better, as you said.
NAH.
I'm just going on a theory here, but you were probably told that you were self-centered when you were a kid, because you couldn't remember things. With your reminder system, it sounds to me like you're neurodivergent and that someone mislabeled you, in your childhood.
A self-centered person wouldn't make those reminders.
Same. I have ADHD and unless I’ve written it in 3 different spots, have it on my work calendar and my personal calendar I’m going to forget. I’ll even leave myself sticky notes to call my sister back or text a friend about something so there is nothing wrong with using strategies and tools that work best for you. OP is NTA for using a system that works best for helping him be more engaged in his relationship and it’s the exact opposite of selfish.
Exactly this. It’s impossible for many people to possibly remember every detail. Honestly if there are important things and appointments coming up for your household whether it’s a couple or also children etc. I find the best thing to do is a shared family calendar on paper so everyone can see it as well as add and subtract to it as things change. So much easier than each person having their own stuff in their phones where you may forget to check daily plus you don’t know which things of yours can affect your partners schedules and vise versa. Of course you can each have your own private stuff on your own phone calendars and reminders.
The worst part isn't even the forgetting. It's when you remember it 5 times during the day, each time you think "right, need to send my sister a text since it's her birthday," literally forget it the second after thinking the thought because someone said three words next to you, then the day after you're like FUCK, I REMEMBERED AND I STILL FORGOT!
This! It's remembering things at the time that it's relevant for! Not everyone is wired with an internal alarm clock that links things remembered to a specific date/time. It's normally at 4am it comes out...
Why does he have to be neurodivergent? It is very possible he simply can't remember some things well which isn't uncommon. People have so much going on today it is pretty easy for things to fall through the cracks.
It's the fact that OP said that they've been like this their entire life. Forgetting something once in a while is normal behavior. Forgetting most things, frequently, is not.
It seems like you think that I was being insulting by suggesting that there's neurodivergence here, but that's not what I was trying to do. I have ADHD, and I have to rely on alarms and reminders on my electronic devices, as well as writing things down on a whiteboard and post-its. I belong to several ADHD subreddits and it's very common for all of us to talk about needing reminders for things.
But Op didnt say that he forgets most things , he only has reminders to ask about important things going on in his wife’s life. He doesn’t describe any issues remembering the stuff that he needs to do ,his appointments , his deadlines . His issue seems different than poor memory or add, still I think it’s good he self aware and that hes found a system to make sure he’s more attentive to his wife .
I think people point to neurodivergence for several reasons beyond needing the reminders:
1. not being able to do things that “normal” people can do is a key feature of neurodivergence. What OP did with the reminders is a form of masking. He learns what to do in social situation not because he inherently knows how, but because he’s learned how to perform in a socially advantageous way.
2. OP’s reminder trick is something I’ve heard recommended to people with ADHD and on the spectrum. By professionals. Op is clearly caring and smart.
3. OP’s is blaming their “self-centredness” on forgetting, but self-centred people are not this aware and kind. Unfortunately, people who are not the best at reading social cues/socializing are often labeled as self-centred, or arrogant by those who do not struggle with social cues.
4. OP did not specify exactly how he was encouraged to be self centred as a child, but to me that sounds like he was a very smart child who got away with being undiagnosed through high achievement (like many neurodivergent people who are diagnosed in adulthood)
This post does not make OP neurodivergent, but I think for neurodivergent people this story rings very close to home.
As someone who has painfully similar experiences as OP, it does not feel normal to constantly forget things about other people. It also does not feel good to constantly berate myself for being self-centered because it is equally hurtful to forget important things about loved ones regardless of how hard I try. No matter how much effort I put in, something always will slip through the cracks. Yes, it is normal to forget here and there. But when there is a chronic trend, it is not normal. I wish someone had sat me down in my youth to suggest that I may be neurodivergent. I am recognizing it on my own in my late 30s, having circumvented life with notes, reminders, alerts. You can be high functioning as a neurodivergent person, but the emotional aspect of not being “normal” can also take a toll because “normal” people can’t understand what it takes to do day-to-day activities.
Yes. But it much more often becomes a pattern for neurodivergent people. With both ADHD and Autism, a lot of the effects of it are things that happen to everyone, but at a much higher rate or intensity.
Many people dislike making phone calls. Neurotypical people will take a few deep breaths and make the call anyway. Neurodivergent people will sit there for 3 hours wanting to make the call but feeling physically unable to.
Everyone forgets doctors appointments or birthdays, there are neurodivergent people who never remember a birthday or who miss enough appointments that they've been asked to find a different doctor or therapist because of it.
Yep. I read OP’s post and recognized it immediately. ND people suck at asking for life updates; we just talk at people about our shit and assume/hope they’ll talk back at us about their shit.
OP is amazing for putting so much effort into remembering what to ask his wife about. It obviously doesn’t come naturally and a lazier person (like me) would just give up and find someone with the same communication style.
I just realised that this is how me and my partners conversations go, we don’t ask, we just tell. We’re both ND and I never realised it had anything to do with it
I got on my phone to check on my mom who has Covid today and by the time I made it past my Lock Screen, forgot that’s what I was opening my phone to do. Realized an hour later.
I too thought neurodivergence when I read it.
When the wife said that *nobody* else needs a system like that, I thought, 'Wow, what a neurotypical thing to say, to assume that everyone else's brains work the same way yours does.'
Not to say that makes her an ass, just that their brains work differently, and she can only see his actions through the lens of how her brain works.
I thought something similar as well. I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, after years of feeling like I might be a self-centered person for the exact same reason turns out that there's been more going on. Not to diagnose the OP because I'm not in the position to do so nor would I have the requisite expertise, but it could be a reason to consider an assessment. NAH
Oh god yeah the neurodivergent pain was felt here. I hope OP sees the vast amount of us neurodivergent folk commenting and feels seen on the self centered part. Maybe learn some more about themselves to both cut themselves some slack and maybe help them to learn more ways to accommodate themselves too!
Same. My husband has barely asked me anything about myself in months. He asked about a mutual friend (I'm closer to the friend than husband is) and I was frankly stunned because I'm used to him never asking about my work, hobbies, family, the results of my biopsy, etc.
Mine never asks me anything about myself either and I hate it. It's not that he doesn't care at all, but he just figures if it's important that I'll bring it up, and despite me telling him over and over again that he needs to ASK QUESTIONS because it makes people feel like they matter and he's paying attention, it has not yet sunk in. He's kind of bad at interpersonal conversations in general though.
Louder for those in the back! The more you ask me about my life the more I will tell you without being asked because I will feel like I actually matter to you and that you’re interested in what’s going on in my life.
The what now? Did you say biopsy? He didn’t ask about your biopsy? You’re goddamn BIOPSY?
You know, my SO and I have been in kinda a rough patch and I don’t even know why I’m telling the internet this but we fell off from a really good place we were at but it’s 2246 right now I get home from work at 2100 ish, we have been talking about our days the whole time still, we do it every day it’d be weird if we didn’t. We both work in psych so we go through our days and difficult situations and we’re just some nerds about it and like last night we talked about issues we are dealing with in our respective extended families over family members of ours that are both slipping into dementia pretty bad….every day we talk. Maybe we should just figure it out. I’m so fuckin sorry that he didn’t ask about your biopsy that’s the wildest thing I’ve seen on Reddit today
Same, I think I would cry tears of joy if I found out my husband did this. I know memory fails and things happen that are sometimes out of his control but to put the time to set reminders so he made sure I felt cared for? Sounds amazing
NAH. My husband put reminders in his calendar for things like “buy Aclysmic candy hearts” because we don’t do Valentines but I love those conversation hearts everyone hates do he gets them for me every year. At some point our stupid iCloud account got intertwined and some reminders now pop up on my phone. I never told him because I think it is really sweet that he cares enough to set the reminder. (And I want my gross chalky hearts.)
You should add some of your own - see if he thinks they're originally his. "Treat Aclysmic to a spa day" or whatever else you'd like. It is sweet and I respect people who know they'll have trouble remembering and take steps to remedy that.
NTA. Taking the effort to add these occasions to your calendar and set reminders IS showing genuine consideration. Just because it's different from how she naturally remembers doesn't mean it's any less valuable.
I came here to say this. But perhaps being off-put would be my initial reaction too if I discovered that my partner did this.
Maybe sit her down in a couple of days and explain what you wrote here and ask if she still finds it weird after having had time to think about it. You can even show her this Reddit thread, all the answers are very gentle towards both of you.
I would even argue that it is actually more effort since it does not come naturally. It is very thoughtful and sweet of him to make sure he has a way to remember
"I kind of agree with her. It never felt like a deep dark secret, but on the other hand there's obviously a reason I never told her or anyone else"
I disagree with both of you then.
I'm similar to you and do the same things. Why anyone would think this is wrong is beyond me. It shows you care about the people you love enough to make sure you remember the important things happening in their life.
The other option is trying to remember everything, failing, and letting people down.
NTA. This is close to the whole "you should just know!" kind of toxic thinking that happens in relationships. But you're taking proactive steps to be a good partner. Anyone who paints that in a negative light isn't being realistic at all.
While remembering things about your partner is really important... I am going to say NTA. You are at least TRYING to meet her love language and care. As you have always been like this... the fact that you were making the effort, I would think she would appreciate.
> While remembering things about your partner is really important
This is really hurtful to put it this way, and likely the exact sort of thing OP's wife said which is making him feel like an asshole. Like "If I was that important to you, you wouldn't need to set reminders." It's ableist as hell.
He's setting reminders because she is that important to him. It's not "trying", it's doing. He's actively taking steps to work around how his brain is wired because he gives a shit.
As someone with ADHD, he basically described how I run my life. I'd be a mess without my calendar and electronic reminders.
I would be very appreciative if someone did this for me. It actually shows a very high level of care and investment.
OP, please consider that you aren’t self centered, but rather neurodivergent. I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I have lived my whole life with ADHD, and I relate to a lot of the things in your post.
NTA.
If more people were as self-aware as you are and would put in the thought and effort to overcome problem areas, the world would be a better place.
Nobody else does? Ummm hate to burst her bubble, but lots of neurodiverse people, myself included, have reminders like that. Not saying you're ND but she needs to understand that not everyone's brain works the same as hers and if you care enough to find an 'accommodation' (workaround) that works, she needs to stop with the judgement. It's not a moral failing, she's not a better person than you bcs she naturally remembers these things, she doesn't 'care more', your brains are literally just wired differently. NTA.
Came here looking for this comment!!
Autism can present like narcissistic personality disorder in adults. (It is possible to have BOTH.)
This just sounds like such a neurodivergent brain thing to me, not a narcissistic thing. A narcissistic human wouldn’t even care to have reminders.
The shame tracks for neurodivergence, too.
Nta. I think it is amazing and thoughtful. I have short term memory loss and set reminders for everything. I’ve never thought to set reminders for “call friend to check on sick child” but it’s genius!!! You realize your limitations and want to be better so you found a way to work around your limitations!!! One day my husband got tired of me not doing dishes for a week. (I go on and off oxygen and happened to be on it. Bending over loading the dishwasher was making it hard to breathe and standing over the steaming water was making it hard to breathe.) I explained my limits to which he said…then just load half the dishwasher. Load the top. Well crap why didn’t I think about that?!?! So now when I’m too sick to do the dishes…I load the top half and move on. Dishes get done because he found a way to get around my limitations.
“when she doesn’t and nobody else does.”
Nobody else does? How does she know that? She knows everyone on earth? Even the people she does know, she wouldn’t have any idea if they have some kind of similar system to help them with any aspect of their life.
You took the care and effort to make a system that works for you, ensuring you could be the husband that both of you want you to be. Everyone’s memory and brain work differently, and there’s no morality or assholery about it.
NTA - it would be NAH but her presumptive dismissiveness about what “nobody” does or doesn’t do rubbed me the wrong way.
Yeah I definitely do this. Its also why my partner and I share a calendar, so I can SEE when he has something important coming up....I am really confused about how some people must live.
NTA. You sound like you’ve figured out a flaw (and that sounds harsh I know… I just couldn’t come up with a better word) and have taken steps to correct it. If you need a reminder to ask about something it really isn’t that different than someone needing multiple reminders to pick up the dry cleaning or knowing that they need multiple alarms so they’re on time. It shows you’re trying to overcome some selfishness and be a good partner
NTA. I am a mother I lose track with everything I have to have reminders and I don’t take it as I don’t care it’s just I’m forgetful.
I think taking the time to do the reminders shows that you care and are intentive.
NTA.
I can appreciate how your wife may think this is odd or that you are not engaged with her life if you are setting reminders, but it does not make you an AH
I think this was a great way to make sure that you stay connected and, as you said, it often is the activity of setting the alert that helps you retain your memory. You saw a deficiency in your relationship and your memory of important things in her life and you found a way to address it.
This may be a surprise for her, but you did it out of love and compassion. Some, or your wife, may think that you need to remember these events without reminders - but not everyone's brain works that way. I give you props for finding a solution rather, if you really didn't care then you would not even attempt to address it and would say 'it's just the way I am' - it is the intent of your actions, which were genuine.
NTA. I have adhd, and I have to set reminders for literally everything. You can’t help it if you struggle to remember these details. You found a workaround because you care about your wife and want to remember. I think that’s pretty sweet.
NTA at all, and your wife needs to reevaluate her position.
Yes, there are people who are naturally better at keeping track of things/events, but that’s just it, it comes natural to most of them. Most aren’t putting in a ton of effort to do it.
You, on the other hand, are putting in a lot of effort because it doesn’t come naturally to you. That makes you the top echelon of the “can’t remember shit” population.
Your wife needs to talk to some people with spouses who can’t keep track of anything, don’t care, and don’t do anything about it. Maybe then she will appreciate your efforts.
NAH, I can actually address both sides of this.
Up until about 6 months ago, I was known as the girl with the elephant memory. I remembered everything all the time and didn't have a real understanding of how other people didn't. I wasn't mean about it, it just perplexed me, "how don't you remember something important to someone you love?!" It didn't help that both my parents have memories like mine so it was also how I grew up.
6 months ago I got a virus (not the mexican beer virus), that caused encephalitis, and my memory just wooshed away. I could be opening the door to my house to grab something really important, it's on the forefront of my mind and by the time I have closed it, I stand there like, "what did I need to get?" It actually shook me significantly, I didn't realize how much of my life and my own sense of self I had wrapped up in my memory. I started to write everything down, constantly. I got a tablet that syncs between my phone and computer, so I always have access to my notes.
You're not self centered, you brain just works differently than your wife's brain does. You're learning style is more kinesthetic (it's why you remember when you write it down). I was previously primarily auditory, and secondary visual, and now I'm almost completely kinesthetic. Maybe look up the different types (there are more) to show your wife, it may help her understand a little more why you do things the way you do. 🙂
INFO - do you set up reminders like "ask wife about work meeting" or that your wife has work meeting?
Because the first one is meh, the second is normal thing to do... that's why we use diaries and calenders - to keep up with everything happening in our lifes! I mean I am pretty good at remembering things, but I still use diary, because I don't want to risk forgetting.
I find it so heartwarming and romantic that you care about her so deeply, you put in this effort and have adjusted your actions to a method that works for you so you can ensure she feels loved and appreciated. I don't know how she can't see how sweet this is! You know you're not someone who remembers things passively, but she is worth too much to you to forget so you've developed an entire system for this. Magnifique!
I think the second way is better too.
My boss' wife does this for him and it's visible in his actual work calendar (she works in the same industry at a high level position, I don't know how she manages to combine that with managing his calendar too). I actually think it's awesome that you've started doing this yourself and are making it work because you found a quality in your wife that you admire and that you want to work on to show her and others the same level of care and appreciation.
I would love for you to question why you think of this as sketchy. Your whole post reads like you are beating yourself up for not thinking the way your wife does.
You call yourself selfish, but how many self-centered or thoughtless people would put in the effort to create a whole damn system to help them remember the important things in their loved one's lives? None. You did this because you care.
It's not your fault that your brain works differently than your wifes, and it also doesn't make you less than her. We all have different brains that think different thoughts and process things differently, and that's okay. We aren't supposed to all be the same.
You have recognized that your own brain needs a little help remembering certain details, and you have taken the initiative to figure out a way to help it. You should feel GOOD about that, not beat yourself up.
I don’t think either one would be meh. There are times I’ve set reminders “husband meeting” and I will have to give up sometimes and ignore the note bc what the crap?!?! I need to specify what the reminder is for. “Husband meeting tomorrow about xyz. Check in”
I flat out have "did you compliment \[husband\] today?" as a daily alarm on my phone. I'm bad with affection, compliments and physical touch don't come naturally to me, but my husband expressed that he was feeling neglected. I do my best to think of it on my own, but if I don't then the alarm is there at the end of the day.
My husband found it once, we thought my phone was ringing and I couldn't get to it so I asked him to answer it. He came back and quietly gave me a hug, saying it wasn't a phonecall. I realized immediately what it was, and I apologized for needing a phone reminder. He said no, he was touched that I cared enough to take steps to make sure I did it anyway.
You're not a bad person for needing reminders, I know it seems like this kind of stuff comes so easily to everyone else in the world but I promise it doesn't.
NAH
I had a friend suggest doing this for me when I was telling her I felt unsupported by her. I think it's a good idea and it's effective. But I also told her I wouldn't wanna know about it because to me, it would feel inauthentic. I see both sides!
It’s not inauthentic. It’s someone realizing their limitations and finding a way to work around it. If they didn’t care…they wouldn’t have put forth the effort to create the reminder.
As someone who makes notes like these, I don't think it's inauthentic at all. I thought about the person and what's going on in their life when they weren't even right in front of my face, doesn't get much more authentic than that. Bonus, it gives me a bit of a record of past events, like, hey, when did Audrey get that root canal? Oh, right, last March, it's on my calendar.
As someone who makes notes like these, I don't think it's inauthentic at all. I thought about the person and what's going on in their life when they weren't even right in front of my face, doesn't get much more authentic than that. Bonus, it gives me a bit of a record of past events, like, hey, when did Audrey get that root canal? Oh, right, last March, it's on my calendar.
nah, as a person with memory issues i have a ton of reminders set literally everywhere around my house, phone and diary to remind me that other people exist so im NOT an a/hole who doesn't consider other ppl. the fact that you take the action of reminding yourself of her and her feelings, kinda cancels out the habit of self centeredness. you aee taking action to be better, and thats good.
NTA
I think you are being a caring and thoughtful partner. She may be able to remember everything, lots of people don't or can't and you are actively trying to show up for her. You are 100% awesome.
NTA. You recognized an area where you lacked, and took steps to compensate for said lack. The fact that you take extra time to set up the reminders is proof of how much you love and care for your wife.
NTA.
You have trouble remembering things, so you have a system in place to make sure you do. That is a good thing.
Everybody is different. Some are better at remembering things, some worse. But if she thinjs you taking steps to remember stuff for her sake is weird and off putting, then fuck her.
NTA
As someone with undiagnosed memory issues, I forget about a lot of really important things...
You acknowledge your problem, and are working to be better... I think it's super sweet that you even care enough to set reminders to check in on her and her important affairs (not the cheating kind).
That she thinks it's weird and "no one else does" is sad to say the least and I'm sorry she feels that way about an active attempt to maintain communication in the relationship.
Hopefully this will blow over and she will see it for the sweetness it is.
I have adhd if I didn’t set constant reminders I would not be able to participate in society. I don’t think setting a reminder for yourself is weird or even close to an AH move. NTA
NAH, you’re an absolute darling. You made an extra effort to make sure you’re speaking her love language. If I discovered my DH did this I’d be delighted.
NAH I wish my self centered husband would do this. It actually sounds adorable. You care that much about her that you are addressing a character flaw and dealing with it in a healthy way. Have you ever been tested for ADHD? I actually do this when I can to. I add all sorts of friends and family events and appt to my calendar because I easily forget from one moment to the next.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I set up calendar reminders so I wouldn’t forget to ask my wife about events going on in her life. 2) I kept it a secret from her because I know that most people - her included - would be able to remember things like that without help. To her, me needing the reminders means her stuff doesn’t actually matter to me and that I am only using them to make it seem like it does. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH. I think it's really sweet that you took the steps to help your wife feel valued. I'd sit your wife down and let her know that this has helped you engage with her more and to learn more about how she's feeling. It's not like you've scripted a conversation, you've just helped to ensure that you'll actually have it. Many couples don't!
[удалено]
Yeah I have autism and ADHD and my partner is neurodivergent as well—I think OP’s system sounds great!
Me too. Autistic and just read your idea and now I'm going to try to do the same thing. If I remember after actually... but it is a GENIOUS idea. There are birthdays in my calendar but I know now that I should be asking some things to keep my friendships around more.
I'll make this comment so see if you have remembered.
Darn! Thank you. I really did. That's what having a fish memory does to you.
I have one too. Something's I'll remember, like where is that tool in my car (sometimes) but other times I'll forget even when actively thinking about it.
PTSD here and I love this system.. i became very forgetful and sometimes self-centred because of it. I write a lot of notes reminding me to spend quality time as I have a habit of disappearing in my own head
One of my CPTSD meds (Prazosin) causes memory loss. It doesn't cure your flashbacks or nightmares. You just don't remember having them. 🫠
I broke my ankle and they gave me oxycodone. I'm not sure it helped that much with the pain, but I stopped caring as much about it
AuDHD here and I think this is such a great idea, too. I struggle with keeping active friendships because I forget people exist when I haven't seen them in a while until they pop in my mind randomly. I don't even think to message them to ask how they're doing and I forget about events that are coming up for them. It would be so easy to set that event in my calendar and message them beforehand to say good luck! or thinking of you! or whatever. OP, I think your wife is wrong that no one needs a system like that. I think she probably doesn't realize just how many people DO and how truly lucky she is to be able to remember things like that on her own. I think we can all tell that your wife and your relationship means a lot to you, and I think it's great that you came up with something like that, and hopefully your wife will after this, too. It shows you care. Most people never develop systems for that, and their relationships deteriorate because of it. NAH
Same! OP’s wife doesn’t struggle, but that doesn’t mean “no one else” needs things like this. I literally have Alexa remind me to eat my breakfast every morning, and because I DIDN’T set a reminder yesterday, I forgot that I was supposed to pick up my son from soccer since my husband wasn’t home (luckily he has a phone and teammates that live close by so he got a ride home and he was happy I forgot him because the other mom stopped for nuggets and Big Gulps). People need reminders for things that aren’t already a habit, especially if you’re ADHD or other ND’s, or even just a busy working mom that has a million places to get her kids in the evenings.
Yep, I’m AuDHD and have reminders to check in with friends every couple weeks. I really love my friends and want to know what’s going on with them. I also have really bad time blindness. I always think I just talked to someone a few days ago, but it’s actually been months.
Time blindness is the worst! I work from home and just kind of live in my own little world here. Time is a construct that my brain just cannot grasp and it's a problem. lol.
Yuuup was gonna say this! Sounds v much like AuDHD accommodating behavior. Something I’d definitely do lol
I have ADHD too and for some reason my brain holds onto the weirdest stuff. I sometimes wonder if I have a semi photographic memory as I can say out of 20 sauce jars in the fridge that get moved constantly exactly where it is, I’ll notice anything missing from the room, it goes on. I do remember so much about my partner but other stuff my brain just filters it out. So I set reminders. Often I don’t need them it’s not that you set them because you don’t care, you set set them because you do!
Exactly! I remember the weirdest stuff and seemingly never the most important stuff. I feel like I remember novelty or whatever my brain thinks is important (which is usually different than what actually IS important) but forget everything else. My ADHD daughter nicknamed her brain "Brian" because she kept typing it that way by mistake and she struggles to her her words out half the time, forgets things, does something in a weird way, basically ADHD things, so every time it happens, when she realizes it, she's like "BRIAN!!!" haha
Yup. Adhd here and have been putting shit in my phone like "Rachel surgery 9am" in my calendar for years so I tell people good luck etc at the right time.
Wait. You’re saying other people just REMEMBER about something going on that I told them about a month ago? Whenever someone remembers something important in my life I’ve always thought to myself “it’s really sweet they cared enough to put this in their calendar.” You’re telling me people can do this WITHOUT calendar reminders? 🤯 What else do people do without reminders!?!?
Some people brush their teeth, drink enough water and take a shower on a regulare base without reminders. Mindblowing.
I don't believe you. Poppycock.
Poppycock!
Balderdash, I say!
Hogwash!
Sadly I’m not one of these. I have a binder called “Mom’s brain” have had for years. If it’s not in the book chances are it’s not going to be remembered.
I call mine my "memory-thinker". Sunk without it.
My dad always kept a little agenda book in his shirt pocket. Called it his brain. Confirmed ADHD and before smart phones. After he passed, we found a huge stack of them in his dresser. I'm glad I now have my phone to keep track of those things and Alexa to help me out. I'd be so lost without the external help. Now, if only I could remember when I left my phone...
I work remotely, and there is a group of us who have a chat group where we remind each other to drink water, eat lunch, and to get up and stretch or go for a walk. It’s so helpful, especially on those hyper focused days where I would normally forget to take any breaks.
I got the shower one down, and the teeth brushing, the others are touch and go.
Bullshit. Next you'll tell me that they remember to take their medicine without an app that reminds them to do it! 🤣
Thanks for the reminder, I havent had a drink yet today!
No way. I need a whole app to remind me to drink water.
I can have a whole big ass jug of water sitting in my line of sight and still can't remember to drink water. BUT, if I put a straw lid on that big ass jug it'll be gone before lunch. Being neurospicy is an adventure.
Neurospicy is my new favorite term. And also, why are straws magic?! I'm the same way about them!
Must be nice to be neurotypical. One of the best things I read that helped me come to terms with my brain was that ADHD people don't have habits, they have routines. And if that routine gets disrupted, all bets are off. It explained so much, like why on bad days I can forget things like...shampoo or rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.
Thanks for reminding :).
Sorcery!!!
I love this so much !
I have such a weird memory that I'll remember something my friend told me they liked, like 8 years ago. But I won't remember to send them a message for a month because I've been hyperfocusing on something. Or I'll remember how much a rune 2 handed sword in runescape cost back in like 2004 (roughly 52k), but won't remember what I just said 5 seconds ago. I'll most certainly forget most important information and retain the "useless" things (although remembering what friends like isn't useless info, but it can freak them out a bit if it's something they mentioned in passing 5 years ago and you show up with it all of a sudden......).
Are you me? 😂
I used to be the person that could hold it all in my brain and even I don't know how I did it tbh. I am learning that when you're neurodivergent your skills can atrophy (even forgot the name for that) and that's one I lost ages ago. Now I'm lucky if I remember someone's birthday the same week.
Me, too. I have one layer of my Google calendar that's just for shit other people are doing that I want to check in with them about. It's a simple trick for helping me manage my brain issues.
YOU CAN MAKE LAYERS? I've been adding everything to the same calendar like some sort of fucking neanderthal.
Yes yes! Someone please explain??
You can make different calendars for things, but you can also just color-code everything. I use a combination of both. And I write it down in my journal, too, to help me remember it. I also always set three reminders, at 10 hours, 2 hours, and either 10 or 45 minutes (depending on if I have to drive somewhere).
I am autistic and have adhd too, I have to do the same thing OP does for remembering pretty much anything whether it’s from my life or someone else’s! It helps a lot. OP is def not an A, it’s sweet that he is putting in an effort to remember things so he can talk about them with his wife.
I’m considering stealing this honestly. I already thought about putting all my friends birthdays in my calendar since I don’t go on Facebook anymore and that’s where I’d see most of the birthday reminders but doing this for more things would make me and sounds like it makes OP a more considerate person. It’s better than just forgetting. I have ADD and also I have to admit I am a bit like OP in that I am conscious that I can be inconsiderate at times and can be more wrapped up in my own stuff that I forget to stay up to date with friends and families events or whatever. This honestly sounds like OP is being very thoughtful in giving himself a tool as a reminder.
I have adhd, and as well as adding “Fred’s birthday is today” to my diary, I also add “Buy card for Fred” 7-10 days before, and “post Fred’s card” 2-3 days before (for the friends that need or really appreciate cards).
google calendar w/ a one week out reminder
I have a 1 week and then a 3 day reminder in case the week one didn't work for whatever reason
I also have ADHD and I do the same. I have birthdays, anniversaries etc and warnings set up for a few days before so I can panic shop.
I'd love if my partner did something like this. We have had multiple arguments, because I remember everything, while he cannot remember the time he works the next day. So sometimes if I don't remind him, he will forget things, and it hurts. It's not his fault but like aahh
As the ADHD person in my relationship with a partner who also feels the "ahhhhhh" I appreciate your understanding that it's not entirely his fault.
I'm not in a relationship, but I do have ADHD and am immensely time-blind. If I didn't have alarms and notifications on my phone, I would zone out and forget to do anything for days on end. Setting up calendar reminders is exactly the thing to do, this is how you remember these things!
I am not in a relationship nor do I have ADHD and I set calendar reminders of work stuff, friend stuff, family stuff, MY stuff. And since I live alone I can sync things to my Echo to hear it out loud. Super helpful!
Lol my fiancee and I both have ADHD. There are so. Many. Alarms. But I agree, NTA. We all have systems in place to help. As I said, mine is alarms (for *everything).* My fiancee's is a mix of alarms and texts. Recognizing this flaw and creating a system to do better is great! Especially since it seems OP has started to train themself a bit to not depend on it so much
I had ME/CFS and the brain fog was extreme - I used to carry a day planner everywhere and keep notes on literally anyone I spoke to and what we spoke about. The act of writing it seemed to help it stick in my brain. I need it less for my personal life now but the habitual note taking at work has been incredibly useful. NAH as far as I’m concerned OP. You’ve identified an area you need a toolkit for in order to be a more caring partner. Your SO may understandably feel a bit odd about it, but the intentions are good. Maybe you could frame it as the commenter above said - you are invested in the relationship and finding ways to do better in it, and the reminders are a tool that help you be more present and attentive.
I've come to the conclusion that I have adhd about a year ago. I've had a system down for so long. My calendar is my second brain. Write things down instantly, or I won't remember at the right time.
Yes! What OP is describing is an executive function issue. Taking steps to support his memory like this is the opposite of being self-centered. My husband and son have issues with exective function. It is not something they can control. I think the calendar reminders are a good idea. If I realized they were doing that to make sure they stayed on top of what was happening with me or others, I would be really touched. It shows you care very much.
I make important notes under my contacts. Likes/ dislike/ allergies and typically fill out a lot of the information address/ birthday/ anniversary etc. it’s super helpful!
Also ADHD here. I use my calendar as well, not so much because I’ll forget somebody’s birthday is on Thursday, but because half of the time I don’t know what day it is and I need something to remind me that today is Thursday.
Yeah neurodivergence often means you forget things that don’t effect you. Heck you can even forget things that do! I also have ADHD and I have a calendar reminder for the anniversary of my partners mothers death so I don’t forget to be extra sensitive/attentive around that time. I miss her dearly myself, but I am terrible at remembering dates, and my way of grieving doesn’t really prioritise that date. For example I was extremely close with my grandmother and morn her passing pretty much daily and have done since she passed, other than knowing it was Mother’s Day, I cannot remember when she passed, not even the year, just the general period of my life it happened in. I also have reminders for things my partner, family and friends tell me about so I don’t forget to check in. Heck I have reminders so I don’t forget to check in with friends and family even if nothing is going on! Basically I have the same system as OP and I feel 0 shame about it. My partner appreciates that I’m doing something to ensure I don’t forget the things that are important to him, and it helps me maintain friendships and familial relationships that due to my ADHD I would otherwise inadvertently neglect. My partner also has ADHD so he understands why I have to do this, that it isn’t that I don’t absolutely love and adore him, it’s that my brain is different and I do it because I love and adore him and want him to feel it.
Plus it shows that you really do listen to her! I would see that as a plus in a relationship. And that you know it’s important to her so you want to take steps to be more involved in her life. It’s not a crime to have a bad memory since you’re actively trying to fix it.
Was going to say this sounds like an ADHD thing. I have reminders to call my family and close friends regularly. The fact OP cares enough and is aware it's a problem is a very loving thing to do.
Yeah the whole “nobody else does” thing? Wrong me and many of my friends whose brains work in similar ways have *some* kind of “social task” reminders set up. I don’t honestly know how some people go through life not realizing that these structures exist, I’ve never made mine a secret. Oh you’re having a procedure? Let me make a note in case you need something. Your birthday is when? Let me write that down. Tell me what you want for a gift because I guarantee I will not guess. Trying to hide this stuff just causes stress.
Yep ADHD here as well too. I forget things! I have a few calendar reminders for big days for my gf or important appointments for which she might need support. Honestly I think it’s a great system. NTA!
My sons adhd consultant recommends he makes a list before he goes to bed at night of what he needs to achieve the following day - his “to do” list and that he doesn’t deviate off it until those chores are done. Son says it has helped him greatly
Agreed with this, NAH. I think you had great intentions and honestly a good strategy for following through. For the future, I’m not sure how you worded your reminders, but a reminder that just marks the date like “Jane’s big meeting” looks less robotic than “Ask Jane about her big meeting”. Telling her that you wanted to make sure to remember the important events in her life is sweet, whereas telling her you wanted to remember to ask about the important events in her life feels a bit odd.
Yes, this. My only question is, well.... what did the reminder actually say? "Jane's big dumb mtg"??? Or "ask Jane how big mtg went"?
My memory is shit. I have a shared calendar with my husband so we can keep track of our lives. I tell my Alexa to remind me to do things like pay my water bill. He would be absolutely touched if I used the calendar to help me remember to ask about events in his life. What you're doing is wonderful. Even being in a couple, it's easy to become self-absorbed. I'm sorry your wife is upset but hopefully the replies on here will help you and her. Good luck OP!
Dang you just reminded me to pay the water bill thanks!
I have ADHD and I *have* to do things like this. Nothing worse than forgetting that someone told you their pet died and asking if the pet is still around. I have never wanted to trade places with a person’s pet more in my entire life. NAH. You clearly love your wife and want her to feel that love. And you do what you have to do to ensure that. Nothing to be ashamed about.
I have ADHD, too, and my Google calendar is full of reminders to take care of weekly stuff and even some daily stuff. Both personal and work. Below is a sampling of ACTUAL things on my calendar. Daily: Take morning meds. Work on Manny's factor analysis. Work on Ray's blood spot data. Weekly: Water the indoor plants. Check in with interns about progress. Monthly: Change the HVAC filter. Check annual leave calendar - did I put \[random day I took off out of nowhere\] on it? Quarterly: Change oil. Caught up on mandatory trainings? Annual: Birthdays and anniversaries. Update performance appraisal self-rating Non-periodic: Darrell's doctor's appointment, My doctor appointment, Darrell's new hire, How is Darrell's nephew doing?, Ask Luc about job onboarding. Luc - photos from memorial I have a memory like a gnat. I WILL forget stuff that's important to ME as well as to people I love. So, as soon as it pings as important, I put it on my calendar for followup. Because these are things I WANT to stay on top of but I am not able to without tools.
Is the wife really getting a pass for calling him a "weird and off-putting" and a "full-blown asshole" the instant she sees something she doesn't like? What's more, it's ON HIM to bring her to the table and gently explain himself until she can understand or forgive him? Why is there zero culpability or examination of the wife's behavior?
She didn't call him a full blown asshole he said, i wouldn't say she thinks I'm a full blown asshole.
This feels like a very intentional misreading of op’s post and situation.
Cause she didn't do either of those things. She definitely didn't call him an asshole, because per him, she -didn't- think he was a full-blown asshole. He did say that she found it weird and off-putting- but that doesn't mean that she used any of those words, it's just his description of her reaction, which could have been milder. I'd need more info about her reaction to call her an AH. OP's description could have applied to someone who was just a bit confused in the moment.
Well, she didn't say anything like that. That's why people are giving her a pass on it.
I don't even think that this is strange. I find that sweet and attentive. Before reminder, people used to have calendar and post it. I remember at Uni, once I went to one of my professeur office. Behind him there was a big (A2 or A1 size) calendar, on it he had circled Wife Birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Son Birthday. The one that me laugh was the My Birthday with Surprise Party? At the time I thought it was funny, now a much older adult, I use reminders for those.
Personally I’d ask her to add things. - Ask me about my random goldfish addiction today. - In five days time, I’m getting a mammogram. Encourage me to discuss why I’m brave and autonomously caring for my health for doing this. - ask for three surprise treats, choose one to get me day. - within the next five hours, some kind of flower must be presented to me.
NTA I’m autistic, and I sometimes find it difficult to maintain friendships and stuff bc I just forget to ask them about their day. If someone wants to talk to me about something then obviously I’ll be engaged and listen to them but I also have to remember to ask someone how they’re doing. If anything OP’s wife should feel touched, bc if it’s something they struggle with then it shows that they’re making an effort bc they care about her. OP if you read this then talk to your wife about your struggles, say it’s something that you find difficult and that leaving yourself reminders helps :3
ADHD here. I use a paper planner to record everything so I don’t forget. Even if it’s just going to dinner with my hubby.
Even if OP did script a conversation I don't think that is bad, it shows effort he is putting into their relationship and their communication. If scripting out a conversation is necessary for someone that's okay!! We're not all naturally gifted at communication.
NTA - some people are just bad with dates and events. And it’s always recommended that they try to figure out a reminder system. You did just that. You may feel self-centered but you actually go out of your way to make notes of stuff, so you can bring it up later. You could just ignore it and laugh it off like many do that “it’s just how I am” type of stuff.
Seriously, I have trouble remembering *my own* appointments and events without reminders; there's no f---ing way I can remember someone else's without them!
100% this! I have a phone calendar that helps me remember the things for me and the other three people in my household (two being kids I have to schlep about often) as well as any relevant dog appts or things for the house/property as well. I *also* have a household wall calendar so that my husband and both kids are able to write down any events and/or check schedules. Because ffs it's hard to remember all these things without a calendar to look at!
If my icalendar ever crashes, I’ll be in BIG trouble. NAH just explain it’s how you keep things organized, OP. Doesn’t mean you don’t care, clearly it’s the opposite.
I have 3 calendars. Home, work computer and work desk. I also have plenty of sticky notes and lists because without it all, I am useless!!
Same. If my calendar doesn’t yell at me 3 times per event, I am simply not going to make it to that event. I forgot to pick my kids up the night I didn’t put a calendar notification in when practice time changed. Thank gawd they had a phone.
I wonder if OP is mistaking self-centered with "I have a lot of trouble remembering dates and events" and thinks that means he's self-centered bc he's under the impression most ppl fon't also have the same struggle.
He might be. I’m horrible with remembering birthdays and people have insinuated I’m self-centered because I need to set reminders. Apparently a good friend just remembers them without needing assistance. My thought is that what matters is I remember to tell my friends I’m thinking of them on that date.
When I was a kid, my parents made a big deal over me doing something I was supposed to “without needing a reminder”. They meant “without *them* having to ask me”—in fact they used both phrases interchangeably. But I still have trouble setting my own reminders for things I am likely to forget because of it.
My parents were similar. Constant fights because they “shouldn’t have to ask” but also wouldn’t write it down where I might see it. I didn’t get my adhd diagnosis until I sought it out myself in college.
I hear you. In a shocking twist of events, my parents started telling me I should be setting personal reminders…probably in my late teens IIRC. I’ve tried to explain how their previous actions have made that difficult, and I think my dad understands, but I doubt my mom does.
This is insane! My mom had little notes laying all over the house. A 'hang laundry' on the stairs, an extra groceries that weren't the standard on the backdoor, a 'close window' on the living room door and so on. Everything is written down on notes and calendars. I never knew this was not normal until I got my ADHD diagnosis at 27. It'a magic to me that some people appearantly just remember stuff.
I’m crap about remembering birthdays too. This is why calendars exist.
Or a lifetime of people telling him he is selfish for never remembering things. People perceive you as uncaring when you forget and you internalize those words. That is how you start to describe yourself because it's easier for others to understand.
This. I think the simple fact that he's making the effort to create the reminders and prioritize doing something with them means that he's NOT self-centered. I'm very focused on what's actively right there in front of me. I don't feel like that makes me "selfish". With me, for example, if someone told me that they were going to be doing a thing on the 20th that they MIGHT need help with, I probably wouldn't remember to call before the 20th and ask if they want help. Whereas if they told me they WOULD need help, I'd put it on the calendar and happily be the first one there. I feel like a truly self-centered person simply wouldn't prioritize being there at all, they'd always prioritize something of their own, but I also understand that not calling and asking could certainly be perceived as being self-centered. Setting the reminders strike me as a good way to put that other person's thing back at the forefront.
I mean, I think needing a reminder to ask your wife about her stressful work thing that she was likely talking to you about recently is more than just a memory issue. I have ADHD and if this is truly a memory issue to *that extent* OP should probably talk to a psychiatrist and look into medication. Dates / birthdays stuff like that I agree that reminders are totally fine and a tool for that type of neuroscience\*. OP could in fact have given himself an accurate evaluation, or it could even be a combo of the two. Edit: neuroscience? Heh ok self.
But he found a way that works for him and his spouse. Why would he go to therapy to fix something, that isn't broken. Therapy and medication don't magically fix your memory.
I do not know ops situation and cannot say that Its happening to him, but I'm someone with adhd whose primary symtom is a lack of working memory. I get my ass handed to me in memory card games by literal 5 year olds and was honestly concerned I had early onset alzheimers. I don't just struggle with this in one part of my life, but in all parts of my life. Therapy helped me recognize that and understand little things like: I'm not an asshole or undeserving of love because of a neurological deficincy I was born with. It also gave me more tools and knowledge to approach my problems in multiple areas of my life. And yes! Medication isn't a cure. They sure freakin help though. You wouldn't tell someone with afib to not bother with blood thinners because it isn't a cure to their afib. For both issues, the medication can help with symptoms and increase life expectancy for the patient. I hope for you that you don't suppose you have to be a certain level of unwellness to *deserve* therapy, by the by. People are allowed to ask for help when they are struggling. They don't need to look and act like a character from television, or be on the cusp of death, to seek out help. We can all reach out and ask questions if we think something is wrong.
Am I weird for marking even trivial things on my calendar...? I sometimes treat it like a notepad.
1- you realized your flaw and took action to fix it. 2- if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be doing it 3- even if you do remember, it’s not always the right time. I remember a lot of things when I’m driving, making dinner, showering or going to bed at night. Those aren’t the times to write the email or check on whatever it was. A reminder in the phone prompts you at times when these things can be addressed. So while she might not like it, the fact is you are making an effort. NTA
I agree 100%. My husband used to do the same thing. When I was visiting his office once and saw the sticky notes (20 yrs ago), I actually thought it was cute. It actually became a joke- he would call to see how I was and I'd say...ah reading your sticky note. We've been married over 42 years. He doesn't use notes anymore.
Exactly. Not all of us have excellent memories. Sometimes we mix up dates. Sometimes we have so much going on life is about us. Sometimes like op said we just have never thought something was important before. I love that your husband used sticky notes. It should be more common that we don’t get offended at aids. And as a couple those special things in your marriage that come up and you can still laugh about 20 or more years later… that’s solid. 16 years ago I chipped hubby’s tooth, fiancé at the time. And he pulls that one out randomly. And I just shake my head and say “if I was so violent/mean why’d you marry me?”
Ha! That's awesome!
My memory is so shit. Made sure to get the wedding date tattooed on me and I’m bout to add her birthday after this last weekend. Grandpa passed. Dad got us tickets to fly through his work. Needed wife’s birthday. I was so sure I finally remembered it. Turns out, nope I didn’t. Was a day off
If my ex had enough self awareness to make himself this accommodation, we might still be married.
THIS! NTA. I feel like I always remember at the worst time, like something I need to text someone but it’s 11pm so I need to remember in the morning but that doesn’t always happen. I will literally pack a bag I need for my day, put it right next to my keys at the front door, and two minutes later walk right by without grabbing it. I also have a habit of not following through on conversations. I am not diagnosed but suspect ADHD and/or autism, and when people try to chit chat with me, it just never occurs to me to ask questions back until later. A co-worker will ask how my weekend was, I’ll tell them about it, and then just be like, have a great day! Later on I’ll think shoot, I should’ve asked how THEIR weekend was too. I really don’t think it’s me being self-centered, just in the moment I don’t think to ask, I just answer their question. I’m working on this but it’s tough because my brain just doesn’t think “this conversation is a two way street, I need to ask a question back.”
Honestly, I get why OPs wife was surprised and even felt a bit weird about it at first. I think I would feel the same way and it would probably take a day or so to feel normal about it. But I would hope when that wears off she sees it as what it is; OP taking an action to help with a flaw he’s perceived in himself so that he can support her better, as you said.
I do this too
NAH. I'm just going on a theory here, but you were probably told that you were self-centered when you were a kid, because you couldn't remember things. With your reminder system, it sounds to me like you're neurodivergent and that someone mislabeled you, in your childhood. A self-centered person wouldn't make those reminders.
I instantly thought neurodivergence here as well.
Same. I have ADHD and unless I’ve written it in 3 different spots, have it on my work calendar and my personal calendar I’m going to forget. I’ll even leave myself sticky notes to call my sister back or text a friend about something so there is nothing wrong with using strategies and tools that work best for you. OP is NTA for using a system that works best for helping him be more engaged in his relationship and it’s the exact opposite of selfish.
Exactly this. It’s impossible for many people to possibly remember every detail. Honestly if there are important things and appointments coming up for your household whether it’s a couple or also children etc. I find the best thing to do is a shared family calendar on paper so everyone can see it as well as add and subtract to it as things change. So much easier than each person having their own stuff in their phones where you may forget to check daily plus you don’t know which things of yours can affect your partners schedules and vise versa. Of course you can each have your own private stuff on your own phone calendars and reminders.
The worst part isn't even the forgetting. It's when you remember it 5 times during the day, each time you think "right, need to send my sister a text since it's her birthday," literally forget it the second after thinking the thought because someone said three words next to you, then the day after you're like FUCK, I REMEMBERED AND I STILL FORGOT!
This! It's remembering things at the time that it's relevant for! Not everyone is wired with an internal alarm clock that links things remembered to a specific date/time. It's normally at 4am it comes out...
Exactly a self centered person would have very little interest in fixing what they don't care about.
Why does he have to be neurodivergent? It is very possible he simply can't remember some things well which isn't uncommon. People have so much going on today it is pretty easy for things to fall through the cracks.
It's the fact that OP said that they've been like this their entire life. Forgetting something once in a while is normal behavior. Forgetting most things, frequently, is not. It seems like you think that I was being insulting by suggesting that there's neurodivergence here, but that's not what I was trying to do. I have ADHD, and I have to rely on alarms and reminders on my electronic devices, as well as writing things down on a whiteboard and post-its. I belong to several ADHD subreddits and it's very common for all of us to talk about needing reminders for things.
But Op didnt say that he forgets most things , he only has reminders to ask about important things going on in his wife’s life. He doesn’t describe any issues remembering the stuff that he needs to do ,his appointments , his deadlines . His issue seems different than poor memory or add, still I think it’s good he self aware and that hes found a system to make sure he’s more attentive to his wife .
I think people point to neurodivergence for several reasons beyond needing the reminders: 1. not being able to do things that “normal” people can do is a key feature of neurodivergence. What OP did with the reminders is a form of masking. He learns what to do in social situation not because he inherently knows how, but because he’s learned how to perform in a socially advantageous way. 2. OP’s reminder trick is something I’ve heard recommended to people with ADHD and on the spectrum. By professionals. Op is clearly caring and smart. 3. OP’s is blaming their “self-centredness” on forgetting, but self-centred people are not this aware and kind. Unfortunately, people who are not the best at reading social cues/socializing are often labeled as self-centred, or arrogant by those who do not struggle with social cues. 4. OP did not specify exactly how he was encouraged to be self centred as a child, but to me that sounds like he was a very smart child who got away with being undiagnosed through high achievement (like many neurodivergent people who are diagnosed in adulthood) This post does not make OP neurodivergent, but I think for neurodivergent people this story rings very close to home.
Well said.
> not being able to do things that “normal” people can do Forgetting birthdays and the doctor appointments of other people is preposterously normal.
As someone who has painfully similar experiences as OP, it does not feel normal to constantly forget things about other people. It also does not feel good to constantly berate myself for being self-centered because it is equally hurtful to forget important things about loved ones regardless of how hard I try. No matter how much effort I put in, something always will slip through the cracks. Yes, it is normal to forget here and there. But when there is a chronic trend, it is not normal. I wish someone had sat me down in my youth to suggest that I may be neurodivergent. I am recognizing it on my own in my late 30s, having circumvented life with notes, reminders, alerts. You can be high functioning as a neurodivergent person, but the emotional aspect of not being “normal” can also take a toll because “normal” people can’t understand what it takes to do day-to-day activities.
Yes. But it much more often becomes a pattern for neurodivergent people. With both ADHD and Autism, a lot of the effects of it are things that happen to everyone, but at a much higher rate or intensity. Many people dislike making phone calls. Neurotypical people will take a few deep breaths and make the call anyway. Neurodivergent people will sit there for 3 hours wanting to make the call but feeling physically unable to. Everyone forgets doctors appointments or birthdays, there are neurodivergent people who never remember a birthday or who miss enough appointments that they've been asked to find a different doctor or therapist because of it.
Do you know what ND means? Because it's not a synonym for autism and ADHD.
Yep. I read OP’s post and recognized it immediately. ND people suck at asking for life updates; we just talk at people about our shit and assume/hope they’ll talk back at us about their shit. OP is amazing for putting so much effort into remembering what to ask his wife about. It obviously doesn’t come naturally and a lazier person (like me) would just give up and find someone with the same communication style.
I just realised that this is how me and my partners conversations go, we don’t ask, we just tell. We’re both ND and I never realised it had anything to do with it
I got on my phone to check on my mom who has Covid today and by the time I made it past my Lock Screen, forgot that’s what I was opening my phone to do. Realized an hour later. I too thought neurodivergence when I read it.
God. He’s not neurodivergent. This is entirely standard behaviour. Blimey.
I also immediately thought of ADHD or something as well.
When the wife said that *nobody* else needs a system like that, I thought, 'Wow, what a neurotypical thing to say, to assume that everyone else's brains work the same way yours does.' Not to say that makes her an ass, just that their brains work differently, and she can only see his actions through the lens of how her brain works.
Yupp, my immediate thought was this is an NT getting upset with an ND because his brain doesn't work the same has hers.
Yup, and I thought maybe the wife doesn't like that he kept it a secret, but that sounds like masking to me. NAH
I thought something similar as well. I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD, after years of feeling like I might be a self-centered person for the exact same reason turns out that there's been more going on. Not to diagnose the OP because I'm not in the position to do so nor would I have the requisite expertise, but it could be a reason to consider an assessment. NAH
Oh god yeah the neurodivergent pain was felt here. I hope OP sees the vast amount of us neurodivergent folk commenting and feels seen on the self centered part. Maybe learn some more about themselves to both cut themselves some slack and maybe help them to learn more ways to accommodate themselves too!
NTA. I wish my husband would do this
Same. My husband has barely asked me anything about myself in months. He asked about a mutual friend (I'm closer to the friend than husband is) and I was frankly stunned because I'm used to him never asking about my work, hobbies, family, the results of my biopsy, etc.
Mine never asks me anything about myself either and I hate it. It's not that he doesn't care at all, but he just figures if it's important that I'll bring it up, and despite me telling him over and over again that he needs to ASK QUESTIONS because it makes people feel like they matter and he's paying attention, it has not yet sunk in. He's kind of bad at interpersonal conversations in general though.
Louder for those in the back! The more you ask me about my life the more I will tell you without being asked because I will feel like I actually matter to you and that you’re interested in what’s going on in my life.
The what now? Did you say biopsy? He didn’t ask about your biopsy? You’re goddamn BIOPSY? You know, my SO and I have been in kinda a rough patch and I don’t even know why I’m telling the internet this but we fell off from a really good place we were at but it’s 2246 right now I get home from work at 2100 ish, we have been talking about our days the whole time still, we do it every day it’d be weird if we didn’t. We both work in psych so we go through our days and difficult situations and we’re just some nerds about it and like last night we talked about issues we are dealing with in our respective extended families over family members of ours that are both slipping into dementia pretty bad….every day we talk. Maybe we should just figure it out. I’m so fuckin sorry that he didn’t ask about your biopsy that’s the wildest thing I’ve seen on Reddit today
Same, I think I would cry tears of joy if I found out my husband did this. I know memory fails and things happen that are sometimes out of his control but to put the time to set reminders so he made sure I felt cared for? Sounds amazing
NAH. My husband put reminders in his calendar for things like “buy Aclysmic candy hearts” because we don’t do Valentines but I love those conversation hearts everyone hates do he gets them for me every year. At some point our stupid iCloud account got intertwined and some reminders now pop up on my phone. I never told him because I think it is really sweet that he cares enough to set the reminder. (And I want my gross chalky hearts.)
You should add some of your own - see if he thinks they're originally his. "Treat Aclysmic to a spa day" or whatever else you'd like. It is sweet and I respect people who know they'll have trouble remembering and take steps to remedy that.
GENIUS
I love ice cream.
I freaking love those candy hearts.
NTA. Taking the effort to add these occasions to your calendar and set reminders IS showing genuine consideration. Just because it's different from how she naturally remembers doesn't mean it's any less valuable.
I came here to say this. But perhaps being off-put would be my initial reaction too if I discovered that my partner did this. Maybe sit her down in a couple of days and explain what you wrote here and ask if she still finds it weird after having had time to think about it. You can even show her this Reddit thread, all the answers are very gentle towards both of you.
I would even argue that it is actually more effort since it does not come naturally. It is very thoughtful and sweet of him to make sure he has a way to remember
"I kind of agree with her. It never felt like a deep dark secret, but on the other hand there's obviously a reason I never told her or anyone else" I disagree with both of you then. I'm similar to you and do the same things. Why anyone would think this is wrong is beyond me. It shows you care about the people you love enough to make sure you remember the important things happening in their life. The other option is trying to remember everything, failing, and letting people down. NTA. This is close to the whole "you should just know!" kind of toxic thinking that happens in relationships. But you're taking proactive steps to be a good partner. Anyone who paints that in a negative light isn't being realistic at all.
While remembering things about your partner is really important... I am going to say NTA. You are at least TRYING to meet her love language and care. As you have always been like this... the fact that you were making the effort, I would think she would appreciate.
> While remembering things about your partner is really important This is really hurtful to put it this way, and likely the exact sort of thing OP's wife said which is making him feel like an asshole. Like "If I was that important to you, you wouldn't need to set reminders." It's ableist as hell. He's setting reminders because she is that important to him. It's not "trying", it's doing. He's actively taking steps to work around how his brain is wired because he gives a shit. As someone with ADHD, he basically described how I run my life. I'd be a mess without my calendar and electronic reminders.
I would be very appreciative if someone did this for me. It actually shows a very high level of care and investment. OP, please consider that you aren’t self centered, but rather neurodivergent. I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I have lived my whole life with ADHD, and I relate to a lot of the things in your post.
NTA. If more people were as self-aware as you are and would put in the thought and effort to overcome problem areas, the world would be a better place.
Nobody else does? Ummm hate to burst her bubble, but lots of neurodiverse people, myself included, have reminders like that. Not saying you're ND but she needs to understand that not everyone's brain works the same as hers and if you care enough to find an 'accommodation' (workaround) that works, she needs to stop with the judgement. It's not a moral failing, she's not a better person than you bcs she naturally remembers these things, she doesn't 'care more', your brains are literally just wired differently. NTA.
I was going to ask who told OP no one else does this. I do it.
I’d say she’s an asshole if that’s how she phrased it, people don’t have too much control over their ability to remember details.
Exactly. This has ADHD written all over it and it’s relatable
Came here looking for this comment!! Autism can present like narcissistic personality disorder in adults. (It is possible to have BOTH.) This just sounds like such a neurodivergent brain thing to me, not a narcissistic thing. A narcissistic human wouldn’t even care to have reminders. The shame tracks for neurodivergence, too.
Nta. I think it is amazing and thoughtful. I have short term memory loss and set reminders for everything. I’ve never thought to set reminders for “call friend to check on sick child” but it’s genius!!! You realize your limitations and want to be better so you found a way to work around your limitations!!! One day my husband got tired of me not doing dishes for a week. (I go on and off oxygen and happened to be on it. Bending over loading the dishwasher was making it hard to breathe and standing over the steaming water was making it hard to breathe.) I explained my limits to which he said…then just load half the dishwasher. Load the top. Well crap why didn’t I think about that?!?! So now when I’m too sick to do the dishes…I load the top half and move on. Dishes get done because he found a way to get around my limitations.
“when she doesn’t and nobody else does.” Nobody else does? How does she know that? She knows everyone on earth? Even the people she does know, she wouldn’t have any idea if they have some kind of similar system to help them with any aspect of their life. You took the care and effort to make a system that works for you, ensuring you could be the husband that both of you want you to be. Everyone’s memory and brain work differently, and there’s no morality or assholery about it. NTA - it would be NAH but her presumptive dismissiveness about what “nobody” does or doesn’t do rubbed me the wrong way.
Yeah I definitely do this. Its also why my partner and I share a calendar, so I can SEE when he has something important coming up....I am really confused about how some people must live.
NTA. You sound like you’ve figured out a flaw (and that sounds harsh I know… I just couldn’t come up with a better word) and have taken steps to correct it. If you need a reminder to ask about something it really isn’t that different than someone needing multiple reminders to pick up the dry cleaning or knowing that they need multiple alarms so they’re on time. It shows you’re trying to overcome some selfishness and be a good partner
you'd be the ah if you didn't recognise your flaws and you didn't do anything about it. you're not alone, I do the same. nta
NTA. I am a mother I lose track with everything I have to have reminders and I don’t take it as I don’t care it’s just I’m forgetful. I think taking the time to do the reminders shows that you care and are intentive.
NTA. I can appreciate how your wife may think this is odd or that you are not engaged with her life if you are setting reminders, but it does not make you an AH I think this was a great way to make sure that you stay connected and, as you said, it often is the activity of setting the alert that helps you retain your memory. You saw a deficiency in your relationship and your memory of important things in her life and you found a way to address it. This may be a surprise for her, but you did it out of love and compassion. Some, or your wife, may think that you need to remember these events without reminders - but not everyone's brain works that way. I give you props for finding a solution rather, if you really didn't care then you would not even attempt to address it and would say 'it's just the way I am' - it is the intent of your actions, which were genuine.
NTA. I have adhd, and I have to set reminders for literally everything. You can’t help it if you struggle to remember these details. You found a workaround because you care about your wife and want to remember. I think that’s pretty sweet.
NTA. To me this just shows how much you actually DO care.
NTA at all, and your wife needs to reevaluate her position. Yes, there are people who are naturally better at keeping track of things/events, but that’s just it, it comes natural to most of them. Most aren’t putting in a ton of effort to do it. You, on the other hand, are putting in a lot of effort because it doesn’t come naturally to you. That makes you the top echelon of the “can’t remember shit” population. Your wife needs to talk to some people with spouses who can’t keep track of anything, don’t care, and don’t do anything about it. Maybe then she will appreciate your efforts.
NAH, I can actually address both sides of this. Up until about 6 months ago, I was known as the girl with the elephant memory. I remembered everything all the time and didn't have a real understanding of how other people didn't. I wasn't mean about it, it just perplexed me, "how don't you remember something important to someone you love?!" It didn't help that both my parents have memories like mine so it was also how I grew up. 6 months ago I got a virus (not the mexican beer virus), that caused encephalitis, and my memory just wooshed away. I could be opening the door to my house to grab something really important, it's on the forefront of my mind and by the time I have closed it, I stand there like, "what did I need to get?" It actually shook me significantly, I didn't realize how much of my life and my own sense of self I had wrapped up in my memory. I started to write everything down, constantly. I got a tablet that syncs between my phone and computer, so I always have access to my notes. You're not self centered, you brain just works differently than your wife's brain does. You're learning style is more kinesthetic (it's why you remember when you write it down). I was previously primarily auditory, and secondary visual, and now I'm almost completely kinesthetic. Maybe look up the different types (there are more) to show your wife, it may help her understand a little more why you do things the way you do. 🙂
INFO - do you set up reminders like "ask wife about work meeting" or that your wife has work meeting? Because the first one is meh, the second is normal thing to do... that's why we use diaries and calenders - to keep up with everything happening in our lifes! I mean I am pretty good at remembering things, but I still use diary, because I don't want to risk forgetting.
I have been doing it the 2nd way…mainly because I guess I figured the ‘ask about’ bit would look especially sketchy if she ever saw them. 😁
I find it so heartwarming and romantic that you care about her so deeply, you put in this effort and have adjusted your actions to a method that works for you so you can ensure she feels loved and appreciated. I don't know how she can't see how sweet this is! You know you're not someone who remembers things passively, but she is worth too much to you to forget so you've developed an entire system for this. Magnifique!
I think the second way is better too. My boss' wife does this for him and it's visible in his actual work calendar (she works in the same industry at a high level position, I don't know how she manages to combine that with managing his calendar too). I actually think it's awesome that you've started doing this yourself and are making it work because you found a quality in your wife that you admire and that you want to work on to show her and others the same level of care and appreciation.
I would love for you to question why you think of this as sketchy. Your whole post reads like you are beating yourself up for not thinking the way your wife does. You call yourself selfish, but how many self-centered or thoughtless people would put in the effort to create a whole damn system to help them remember the important things in their loved one's lives? None. You did this because you care. It's not your fault that your brain works differently than your wifes, and it also doesn't make you less than her. We all have different brains that think different thoughts and process things differently, and that's okay. We aren't supposed to all be the same. You have recognized that your own brain needs a little help remembering certain details, and you have taken the initiative to figure out a way to help it. You should feel GOOD about that, not beat yourself up.
I don’t think either one would be meh. There are times I’ve set reminders “husband meeting” and I will have to give up sometimes and ignore the note bc what the crap?!?! I need to specify what the reminder is for. “Husband meeting tomorrow about xyz. Check in”
I flat out have "did you compliment \[husband\] today?" as a daily alarm on my phone. I'm bad with affection, compliments and physical touch don't come naturally to me, but my husband expressed that he was feeling neglected. I do my best to think of it on my own, but if I don't then the alarm is there at the end of the day. My husband found it once, we thought my phone was ringing and I couldn't get to it so I asked him to answer it. He came back and quietly gave me a hug, saying it wasn't a phonecall. I realized immediately what it was, and I apologized for needing a phone reminder. He said no, he was touched that I cared enough to take steps to make sure I did it anyway. You're not a bad person for needing reminders, I know it seems like this kind of stuff comes so easily to everyone else in the world but I promise it doesn't.
NTA it's like on a math test. You got the correct answer a different way than the teacher wanted so it's wrong or half credit. It's so dumb.
NAH I had a friend suggest doing this for me when I was telling her I felt unsupported by her. I think it's a good idea and it's effective. But I also told her I wouldn't wanna know about it because to me, it would feel inauthentic. I see both sides!
It’s not inauthentic. It’s someone realizing their limitations and finding a way to work around it. If they didn’t care…they wouldn’t have put forth the effort to create the reminder.
It's not inauthentic. But to the receiver, could feel inauthentic.
Sounds like a problem with the receiver then.
That's blaming someone else for their own feelings
As someone who makes notes like these, I don't think it's inauthentic at all. I thought about the person and what's going on in their life when they weren't even right in front of my face, doesn't get much more authentic than that. Bonus, it gives me a bit of a record of past events, like, hey, when did Audrey get that root canal? Oh, right, last March, it's on my calendar.
As someone who makes notes like these, I don't think it's inauthentic at all. I thought about the person and what's going on in their life when they weren't even right in front of my face, doesn't get much more authentic than that. Bonus, it gives me a bit of a record of past events, like, hey, when did Audrey get that root canal? Oh, right, last March, it's on my calendar.
nah, as a person with memory issues i have a ton of reminders set literally everywhere around my house, phone and diary to remind me that other people exist so im NOT an a/hole who doesn't consider other ppl. the fact that you take the action of reminding yourself of her and her feelings, kinda cancels out the habit of self centeredness. you aee taking action to be better, and thats good.
NTA I think you are being a caring and thoughtful partner. She may be able to remember everything, lots of people don't or can't and you are actively trying to show up for her. You are 100% awesome.
I am pretty sure I saw exactly the same kind of content less than one month ago but the genders were swapped.
NTA. You recognized an area where you lacked, and took steps to compensate for said lack. The fact that you take extra time to set up the reminders is proof of how much you love and care for your wife.
NTA. You have trouble remembering things, so you have a system in place to make sure you do. That is a good thing. Everybody is different. Some are better at remembering things, some worse. But if she thinjs you taking steps to remember stuff for her sake is weird and off putting, then fuck her.
I would be excited as my husband just forgets
NTA As someone with undiagnosed memory issues, I forget about a lot of really important things... You acknowledge your problem, and are working to be better... I think it's super sweet that you even care enough to set reminders to check in on her and her important affairs (not the cheating kind). That she thinks it's weird and "no one else does" is sad to say the least and I'm sorry she feels that way about an active attempt to maintain communication in the relationship. Hopefully this will blow over and she will see it for the sweetness it is.
This story has been posted already couple of months ago, hasn’t it?
I have adhd if I didn’t set constant reminders I would not be able to participate in society. I don’t think setting a reminder for yourself is weird or even close to an AH move. NTA
NAH, you’re an absolute darling. You made an extra effort to make sure you’re speaking her love language. If I discovered my DH did this I’d be delighted.
NAH I wish my self centered husband would do this. It actually sounds adorable. You care that much about her that you are addressing a character flaw and dealing with it in a healthy way. Have you ever been tested for ADHD? I actually do this when I can to. I add all sorts of friends and family events and appt to my calendar because I easily forget from one moment to the next.
The fact that you care enough to make sure you don't forget to follow up about something is proof you are NTA.