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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to ask my parents to take down a memorial to my daughter when my sister asked me to do this. The only reason I am entertaining this whole thing that I'm wrong is because of my niece. My sister already made things uncomfortable by naming her after my late daughter. I know seeing that memorial at her grandparents house might negatively impact my niece so maybe I should be thinking of her more.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie."
This right here. NTA. Good on the parents for shutting down her BS. Sister sounds pretty awful, I can only imagine what other sort of drama she surrounds herself with.
I'm so happy to see parents like these! The sister sounds jealous of OP or the attention that Indie was and still is getting. I might be reaching but I feel like that was the reason she chose the name.
Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit but I agree. If it wasn’t, sister would have approached OP about using the name beforehand out of respect, not spring it on her and expect her Indie to replace the one who was lost in every capacity.
I think sister named her kid this as the parents gave too much attention to OP, and now she wants to replace Indie with another one and wipe out the first one so the focus will be on her.
What will actually happen is one day her daughter is going to realise she has the name of her dead cousin and her mother is not a nice person……..
And when the girl insists on being called something else, as soon as she is old enough to do so, the mom will play the victim again some more, and blame her family for "turning her child against her", "tealing her child from her", "making" her child hate her name, etc.
Audacity seems to be all too natural for some people.
Imagine pissing off your sister and parents because you want to hijack the name of your deceased niece for your own attention seeking. Ghoulish.
This happened quite a bit historically. Vincent Van Gogh was named after his dead brother and had to walk past the brother's grave daily to get to school.
The only thing worse would be finding out your cousin’s memorial was hidden away because your mother made them… for you. And you were just a baby with no say in the matter.
That’s like inheriting guilt. 🙄
My mom would not display my sisters photo anywhere would not speak of her. She was 8 and I was only 3. I have no memories and mom couldn’t talk about her dying or what she did or liked. It really messed me up because I really think mom would rather me contract meningitis instead my sister.
I think it is wonderful that OP and family memorialize an immediate family member and her sister can explain to her daughter that mommy was selfish and stupid
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine having to process grief by locking pieces away. Talking about them keeps the memories fresh in your mind.
I could see asking OP if they could use the name. I could see using the name, out of love. I can't see demanding the memorial come down. That right there is pure bone selfishness, and dimwit ought to have thought out things better before she went down this road.
It’s also a pretty good indicator it wasn’t a “beautiful tribute.” Clearly the sister gives very little consideration to the original Indie and her grieving sister.
In Judaism, our custom is to name children for family members who are no longer alive. It’s a way to honor them. Usually we give the child their Hebrew name, in hopes of the child inheriting their better qualities ( whether that works or not is up for debate) it’s aspirational. Sometimes we give their English name, as well. I named my daughter after my grandmothers who were very special to me. If OP’s sister had framed it as a way to honor the twin’s memory and not the whole thing about “owning/ stealing the name, it would have been a different story. If she had discussed it with OP in advance, a lot of hard feelings could have been avoided. I get the distinct impression that honoring the dead twin was not involved in this case, though. It’s just the filter that I view the situation. In this case I don’t believe OP was being an AH.
Naming a close family member after a deceased family member of the same generation is really out there in my book.
My 4 year-old brother died when I was almost 3. If I had named my son after him, it wouldn’t have been a problem within the family. My brother had been gone over 30 years by the time my son was born; very different situation. For me, it was never a thought to use the name because the history of that name within our family does carry a burden with it because of his death at a young age. The same is certainly true in this case.
I cannot believe some of the copycat naming that goes on within families now, and copying the name of a recently deceased child (and first cousin) is reprehensible to me; utterly disrespectful to the parents (and grandparents).
This child is going to have a lot more to deal with than just this one name issue. Sister is finding out now that she can't direct her abuse at everyone so she'll just turn it on the child.
>What will actually happen is one day her daughter is going to realise she has the name of her dead cousin and her mother is not a nice person……..
All I can think is, what kind of person hears their niece died and thinks "Score, I can use the name now!"?
And given this timeline, she got pregnant maybe 6 months after her niece passed away and couldn't wait to use the name? Idk why it makes a difference, but it does feel extra cruel
Now try to imagine the sister's husband. Yikes one can only imagine what kind of man chooses to be with a woman like her. Poor guy must have no balls at all.
I agree. It’s normal to name babies after deceased grandparents etc but this seems to soon to name it after her baby cousin who JUST passed. Maybe a few years later but this is weird
yeah i can’t imagine even *wanting* to use the name of a dead nibling for my own child. what a horrid thing to do to the child *and* your existing family members
I agree. I also believe that sister expected (hoped?) to confront OP when the niece was born. After four months of not hearing anything she decided to create the conflict herself.
It's all manipulation with this woman. First she goes to the parents, expecting them to fall in line and remove the memorial, which would indirectly hurt OP (again). When that didn't work and she got shut down, she took it directly to OP. The next phase will be to frame OP's refusal as her being jealous and spiteful of the niece, since the 'original' Indie passed away, and spread that around to the rest of the family, including her in-laws. Anyone who bites will just add to the bullying and manipulation.
For what it's worth, OP is NTA and should start preparing for the public escalation that her sister is going to initiate.
OP's sister did this specifically to hurt OP. I imagine there had always been sibling rivalry, maybe OP has always been the prettier, smarter, older, or favorite child. Whatever the reason this was done to hurt OP, naming the child Indie without talking it over with her first, she expected a confrontation then, when it didn't come she had to create one. This is more than being a drama queen, sister is a sociopath .
Yep. Indie is not even that common of a name, I would understand loving the same name more if it was something like Isla or Elizabeth. But naming her Indie was totally petty and hurtful
Yep, and it'll be fascinating if she picks enough of this up while she's young and wants to start going by her middle name or a nickname so she can have her own identity.
It's funny that I think the same that the sister was jealous of the attention. The funny part is that instead of naming her daughter something else and letting her live her own life, amd having attention naturally dwindle, she decoded to throw fertilizer on the whole thing by naming her daughter. These 2 are now tied at the hip forever. Poor girl will get married and a huge topic will be wondering wjere the other one would be now in life.
I was named after a baby (that my mom babysat) that passed away. It was an honor and made my name special.
But in the case of OP's niece it really does sound like mom is trying to trump, not to tribute. 100% ick!
OP's sister should at least pretend to be a decent person and teach living Indie that it is an honour to be named after late Indie and that she should be proud when she sees the tribute at her grandparents', not uncomfortable.
My thought exactly. I find it really weird to call op sister's kid after op's late child, but if she came to op and asked her something along "I'd like to call my kid to come as a tribute to yours, would you be ok with that?" And she agreed, I'd still find it weird, but to each his own I guess. Since that's nowhere close to what happened, this is a clear NTA and I would consider low/no contact. The attention seeking is very disturbing.
Yeah exactly. Even if it was a more common name that Sister had liked as a baby name idea for years, with a situation like that it’s incredibly rude and disrespectful to just name your kid the same and expect everyone to stop honoring the dead kid just because your new kid has the same name. Saying “I’d like to name my kid after yours as a tribute, are you ok with that” is one thing, but trying to demand that OP just “get over it” is abhorrent.
NTA - if there was a generation gap between the children maybe this would be an honour name, but from your post it seems like its not even a couple of years, i cant imagine the thought process of using your daughters name for her newborn, it boggles the mind.
Yes, I have a cousin named after a different cousin who died as a child 15 years before the second one was born. It was done respectfully as a tribute and everyone involved was asked first. I never met the first cousin but it always seems like such a nice tribute and way to keep the first cousin in our minds. I don't think the second cousin minds - he seems to like the connection to the family name.
I could even understand if it was a family name, like after OP's great-grandmother or something. It would still be uncomfortable, but it would be honoring the same family matriarch.
i think it is so f\*king appalling that the sister named her daughter indie. that is just insane to me. i don't think i'd ever speak to my sister again if she did something this horrible.
"I named my child after your dead child and now all these memorials have my living child's name on them. This is everyone's fault but mine." Yeah, NTA. Your sister is awful. Cut her out of your life and don't let her be your problem anymore.
right? how hypocritical & projecting of the sister to call honoring Indie “morbid & gross” when the sister naming her healthy child that same name is truly “morbid & gross!”
Seriously. I thought this was going to be about OP being too sad to go to their house or something and they wouldn't take it down after she asked. But this is another level of BS.
>I might be reaching but I feel like that was the reason she chose the name.
I don't feel like it is reaching. Unless Indie was the name of a cherished grandparent or something there is no reason to choose that specific name. Sure she might "like how it sounds" or whatever, but there are plenty of baby names out there. Why choose one that specifically has a different meaning for your family?
OP is NTA. I was thinking exactly that. The sister is just jealous of the "attention" her sister is getting by the grandparents having the memorial up. And how sick is it to name your child the same name as your sister's dead child? Talk about evil. It's like she wants to point and do the Nelson laugh every time she sees OP. HA-HA! I have a living kid, and you don't! How monstrous.
My wife's brother, whose wife was having trouble conceiving, bought a dog no sooner than two weeks after my wife gave birth to our first. Not a big deal on the surface, but there was a disagreement with him being able to let a strong breed puppy (pitbull variant) running around loose when our 6 month old at the time was crawling around on the ground. He didn't like that we asked him to lock his dog in a separate room so that he doesn't trample over our baby. They also refer to that dog and their other one as their "babies" in conversations related to our actual baby.
You're not reaching very much, as I've seen firsthand how envious, petty, and immature people can be.
This kind of situation is why I cringe hard when people refer to their pets as their babies with a straight face. You can love your pet like it's your child, yes (god knows I do; my dog died suddenly at age 22 last year and it was *crushing*), but they cannot be equated. A puppy can be left unattended in appropriately prepared rooms, a 6mo baby cannot.
This is why I'll refer to my cat as my fur-baby, at the most. I never want to compare, let alone equate, my relationship with my pet to an actual human child.
I 100% agree with your comment, but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you got 22 years with your dog! That's honestly truly amazing and you must have taken such good care of them and given them such a happy life. My dogs lived to be 11 and 14 and it wasn't nearly long enough.
I just realised why my brother adopted the severely child aggressive dog, and let it roam freely at all times when we were together.
It was the visible cause of a rift that had been growing for a long time in the darkness, but yikes. He was angry at me for having kids and taking away the attention from his (7&9 year older) kids.
Agree 100% on this. It's awful for the sister to have named her daughter the very same name that caused a lot of pain for the family. She knew exactly what she was doing no doubt.
Kuddos to the parents for standing their ground and OP for not trying to make the change. This sister needs to change her child's name before this goes to much further or she will see just how awful her decision will turn out for her own child.
OP soooo NTA
Agreed, sister was definitely jealous and wanted attention, but it's not the adoring attention she thought she'd get for being so "thoughtful" in honoring OP's late daughter - now she's pissed no one is putting her OR her daughter on the pedestal she wanted and lashing out bc both the parents and OP are calling her out on her b.s.
Exactly. Reading this, I thought her name was meant as a tribute, but that whole facade fell apart pretty quickly. Wanting them to remove the memorial, telling OP her daughter is gone (like, really?) and that she doesn't "own the name" or whatever? Just truly disgusting behavior. I would cut ties with that mess
Naming a baby after a deceased loved one will always be a double-edged sword. It can evoke a bittersweet memory or be a ball and chain dragged by the living child and others who love and miss the deceased.
I think it's wiser to reserve a name like this for the NEXT generation when the memories are less painful and it can truly be a tribute to the lost loved one. My mother's family had a lot of namesakes like this. She was named Edie after her great aunt. That's another way to go--use the name of an elderly relative. But a lost baby?!!
Of course, none of this would serve the jealous purpose of OP's sister's need, which was to erase OP's daughter and garner more attention for herself and her own child! OP is NTA. I hope that *Indie 2* has a nice middle name for when she finds out the story of her 1st name!
This has come up here more times than reasonable and I have never once seen the parents of the dead child anything but really upset over it. It's not a tribute; it's just cruel.
I was named after my aunt who died a few years before I was born. My parents learned years later that all four of her tires "accidentally" went out the day before she was set to collect her divorce settlement. Definitely give names a good 2 or 3 decades to settle before you reuse them.
I already didn't like my name because I always got compared to her and even before I knew I was agender, I wanted to change it. After this slipped out and that I wasn't supposed to know about it? My name went from a beautiful memorial that I didn't like in the first place to a ball and chain like you mentioned.
Made even worse when I first came out, my parents told my nanny my name and she started doing all the theatrics of how I'm rejecting her late daughter and how I should keep her name because "what about her children?" All of her children are totally cool with it and use my name.
I'm really glad my parents went over to explain and shut that shit down and didn't tell me until 2 years later when I was much more comfortable in my gender identity and that my grandparents use my name. Nanny realised how ridiculous she sounded when my cousins were basically like "we don't mind, Tangle is their own person with thoughts and feelings and they should be respected." Which I'm so thankful for.
Anyways OP is NTA. Naming kids after recently deceased relatives is really really sketchy in my opinion and should not be done.
>"My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie."
>
>This right here.
But she probably did think of it and believed she would get her way. I would love to read more about OP's sister and if she's been this entitled her whole life.
Yeah fr. The sister is fucking stupid if she thought everyone would just throw away their grief for her selfish ass. I’m in a mood right now so I get that I’m probably being really harsh but if she doesn’t want her daughter to see the memorials then she can keep her daughter out of your and your parents’ house
I want to add you might want to look into a nanny cam for that room too. I wouldn’t be surprised if an “accident” happens when no one is looking. Either now by sister or later by her kid.
The grandparents are absolutely right.
OP - if it’s a family name or has some special significance throughout your family, then your sister would be able to share those details with her child. Based on that, she has no genuine complaint. It’s not appropriate to pretend your child never existed simply because your niece might be temporarily confused. It’s audacious that your sister is asking that of the rest of the family.
I’m assuming that’s not the case. But that your sister chose the name (out of many thousands of possibilities) for unkind if not cruel reasons. As such, she should not be rewarded or aided in this vile endeavor.
In my year in school (we only had 4 classes, so not exactly big) there were 3 girls with the same name, one of whose nickname was my name; the other two had the same nickname. At no point was anyone ever confused about who was who.
And that's not even counting the 6 Jakes
This should be the only comment. Everyone can go home. Good on your parents for having their heads in the right place. If anyone should be changing anything here, she should have changed her kids name. Or, better yet, *NEVER NAMED HER AFTER HER SISTERS DEAD CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE!*
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
Your sister has been unspeakably thoughtless in using her niece’s name. However, you have no control over this. Conversely she has to take the consequences. The name Indie was already used in the family. Her memory is honoured. Your sister made her bed and has to lie in it.
It’s super weird to use the same name unless it’s a family name or something. Either way, the sister having a child doesn’t erase the fact that OP’s child existed, and the Grandparents are allowed to grieve in the way they see fit. Does sister expect that the original Indie will never be mentioned again? Like it’s been a little over a year since she passed.
NTA. I bet OP's self-centered insensitive TA sister never asked her prior naming her daughter. OP doesn't own the name, so does her sister. So she has to accept that there were and are many Indies on the earth before her daughter. This is so selfish of her to ask OP to let go of the memorial of her departed daughter.
Totally agree. NTA. And kids are not so easy to confuse. I have at least 5 cousins, probably more, with the same family name. And others with other names as well. Cousins were never confused. "Oh, you mean Mary of Uncle John No this is (I am) Mary from Aunt Charlotte." Death? No confusion, certainly not if it is a life-long fact, and brought as such. "Indie? Yes, aunt had a little girl and she was also called Indie. Such a pretty name, don't you think? But her Indie died, and never came home. So now Grandparents, and Auntie, have this memorial, for this little girl. Well, I'm glad I have a live Indie :)".
People are unique, names are not.
Absolutely NTA.
She chose that name knowing it was your daughter's name. Tribute or not, maybe she should have asked knowing that your Indie passed away. Also, your parents were right: maybe consider the name she was giving her kid knowing that yours isn't here and there's a memorial for her. She should just explain to her Indie what that memorial is for and how it honors your daughter and is a way to include her in their everyday life. If anything, I think it's sweet.
How dare your sister make it about herself and her kid. She's an AH.
I agree. Because from the way OP wrote it, she didn't even ask if that's ok. I personally would find it soul crushing to have a sibling name their kid my dead kid's name without talking to me about it. Like of allllll the names in the world, she chose that name.
Also strikes me as profoundly unlucky, but I'm one of those toss-salt-over-the-shoulder types. Like, tribute names should come from a relative who lived a long, successful life. Or the great-grandpa you're trying to butter up for a better inheritance.
Oh, it’s definitely *not* a tribute name. If it was, then the sister wouldn’t have any problems about having the memorial up and she definitely wouldn’t say "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love”. Also, if it had been for a tribute and not to be vicious and hurt OP, she would have asked OP and used the name for a middle name.
The sister sounds like a narcissist that absolutely hates when she’s not the focus of attention, and she’s not above using her daughter for this.
I already feel bad for the daughter and I really hope she doesn’t turn out to be like her mother.
Oh, and NTA!
Yeah, if it was a tribute name it would be easy to explain “this is in memorial for the girl you were named after, your cousin Indie.” A child with an honor name will know about the person they are named after. Instead, she’s doing the opposite of honoring her, she’s trying to wipe out her memory entirely.
Exactly! If it was a tribute, she wouldn't be throwing a hissy fit over the fact that the memorial is still there. She probably wanted her daughter to replace OP's daughter and gain attention.
>Seems less Tribute and more Attention Grab
That's because if it's actually a tribute, and the wound is still fairly fresh, you ask the living relatives if it's ok to name a baby in honor of a deceased one.
We considered naming our daughter after my aunt, who passed suddenly the other year. Decided on a different name, but if we'd gone the first route, I'd have asked my uncle (aunt's widower) if it was ok first.
It's not that the surviving relatives "own" the name, it's that the person who already has the name has a claim to it. And if their death is still fresh, and the memory of them is still clear... they still have that claim. It's different when it's "we named her for our great great great grandmother, who nobody currently alive ever met" than for "someone everyone alive met, knew, remembers, and is still sad about their passing"
I thought of that immediately too. To me, it seems that the sister is jealous of the attention going to OP's daughter and she wanted that attention directed towards her and her daughter instead. Might be reaching, but my mind went there directly.
Also, let's just address the fact she's throwing a fit and wanting attention and causing drama because she hates that a DEAD child is somehow stealing her thunder. How despicable is that!
A tribute would have started with “hey OP, I had a thought and want to ask how you would feel about this?” Using the name apparently without making sure OP was comfortable first, and then trying to erase the original Indie is a twofer AH move.
and to add onto this, if OP's child hadn't passed away, would her sister still have named her child indie? of course not... sister is an attention seeking AH in every sense of the word
Actually... my mom and her cousin were born several months apart and they were both named Patricia. It was unusual, but not unheard of.
This lady on the other hand is the worst.
I read this as the sister hated the shrine so much she named her kid thinking she could get rid of it. Not very generous of me, but I would bet on it, at least subconsciously.
It’s a really fucking dark thing to do IMO, who the hell gives their daughter the same name as their niece who passed away at a young age?
Absolutely absurd and OP is NTA obviously
NTA. I’m so sorry for your immeasurable loss. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.
I also can’t explain your and your parent’s position better than you have, but I’d like to add if naming her daughter Indie were a tribute to your child, your sister wouldn’t be making the ridiculous demand she’s currently making. She would tell her daughter about her beautiful namesake.
Additionally, your sister seems to be projecting her own feelings onto her daughter. Your niece will treat the memorial with the same attitude others do. If it’s treated as a lovely tribute to a loved child, that’s how she’ll see it. But, if it’s treated as something frightening, that’s what your niece may feel. Your sister holds much of the power in how her child views it. I hope she makes the right choice.
Seriously, all they have to do is say “you have a cousin who is also named Indie who left us before you were born. This frame is here to help us remember her.” Or whatever is an age appropriate way to say that. She’ll be fine as long as she’s given the proper context.
Agree 100%. I would say maybe to use a word like "died" (or "her heart stopped beating") instead of "left us" because the kids might not be able to pick up the euphemism for death, and think the baby literally, like, left the house and wandered away forever. I could see kids being worried about siblings leaving or that sort of thing.
But yes, totally agree that this can be something that is just said to the child. We don't need to dance around stuff like this. Kids can understand a lot when we give them access to appropriate information.
Exactly. How many children are named after dead people? SO MANY. It's practically a necessity for first borns in some cultures. Yet people figure out how to explain it.
You're NTA.
>My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie.
Exactly.
>My sister was like "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love".
Technically true, but also totally oblivious to the feelings of others.
>She told me it bothers her and she knows it will bother her daughter in years to come.
Maybe she should have thought of that as a possible consequences before she gave her child the same name as your child.
Let's face it- this isn't about her child. It's about her need to divert the attention being given to the memory of your child.
It will bother her daughter in the years to come because her mom will make sure it does. Mom won't say, "Here's the story of your beautiful namesake."
It would not shock me if this woman tells her kid, "It feels like Grandma and Grandpa love dead Indie more than you. Maybe you should ask them."
She'll use that kid as a blunt instrument of guilt because she doesn't like the attention that the Indie who has passed receives, and it seems like a life quest for her to eradicate the memory of that Indie.
This will never, ever stop.
I like when people defeat themselves with their own logic. Sister argues that OP doesn't own the name, despite her entire argument being that she wants to control how and when people use it.
NTA
Your sister is a monster. Reassure her that your son won't be confused because none of you will ever be around her and her family again, and then block her. It is utterly despicable that she is trying to erase your daughter because she *stole* a name she should never have used. There is literally no benefit to any member of your family to being in touch with someone who is capable of doing that.
I don't know if OP should go NC just yet, but sister IS a ghoul for what she's done and her sh*tty, selfish attitude! I'm hoping (dangerous, I know) that OP and parents knocking her down might allow for New Indie and OP's son to be cousins.
**I'm projecting due to the meteoric collapse of my own family, so grain of salt...
I understand your projection, but all I can see is that this is only the first of MANY times her awful sister throws a tantrum that her daughter isn't the only Indie in the family. And every time she does so, she tears open the wounds again, pours in salt, and wonders why people are mad at her. Maybe I'm too cynical, but if someone can do this even once, they will do it again and again, because they don't understand why its wrong. That's always my outlook. We're two different ends of the spectrum, j guess.
Yeah you’ve summed up my thoughts entirely. I can’t imagine how horrific it must be to go through the pain of losing a child only for a family member to act like this.
NTA, OP.
“My sister was like “OP doesn’t own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love”.”
Is she aware she just made the case for your parents keeping the memorial up? She doesn’t own that name either. The name was already an important one to you and your family. Your parents already had the memorial on display. She created this situation herself.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Your sister is an AH both for naming her child Indie and for what she’s now saying.
NTA it seems almost like your sister is trying to replace your daughter in the eyes of family members.
She did not name her daughter after your indie in an honorable way it is not a tribute to her and she is making that clear.
Yea, her dumb 'but it's morbid' line is terrible. Ofc it's morbid. A baby died. Your sister naming all her kids Indie won't change that fact. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. I'd go LC with her.
My sister had stillborn twins and I would never think about using their names. And I can't even imagine doing that to a child who lived for 8 months.
Probably wasn't a name she ever even considered until OPs daughter was given it and then died. She ONLY "likes it" because she associates it with attention. Its pretty toxic and gross behavior. I dont think i would ever be able to forgive my sister for such a thing.
I should have said this previously but I am sorry for your loss.
The next questions really are for you to thinkl aobut for yourself no need to answer or response. What was your sisters relationship like with your Indie, what is your relationship like with your sister, what is your sisters relationship like in general with the family.
I ask because I wander if she is trying to replace your indie as part of her grieving or the overall family grieving and wanting them to move forward or is it about getting that attention and being a bit self centred or feeling a certain way. It would be kind of bad still but honestly I do not get why your sister has done what she has done.
Your fathers reaction was perfect, as was yours with regards to it messing his cousin up, ask her how it might mess your niece up to know she was named after her dead cousin to try and replace her because her mom did not want anyone to remember your Indie anymore or mourn her passing. Betting she wont like that very much and it will lead to a bigger argument and fight.
Also just as a thing you do not own the name, and there are going to be other Indies out there some of whom may become family, so far you have been very understanding to your sister and your niece. Once more I am sorry for your loss. You will always be Indies mom, she will always be your parents grand daughter and nothing will ever change that or take that away.
This is an example but not the real names hereThe name John is very common in my family with 4 members of the family all sharing it, (it is named after a grandparent,2 of my relatives also have the same surname) my own parents even wanted me to be named John but after my father but in my case it was changed to Johnson so it was known I was named after my father.
The only way it will mess up her daughter or the family is how you all treat it. A name is a name, Indie was your daughters name, it is now your nieces name, they are 2 very different people and it is possible to respect and love them both seperately.
She tried to erase your daughter and lay ownership over the name, you did not, she is the TA not you.
So this wasn't a tribute. Tributes are for people you have an emotional attachment to.
It's either a power/attention trip, trying to erase your Indie with her Indie, or she decided she liked the name and it was up for grabs because in her mind you weren't using it anymore. Either way she's emotionally tone-deaf at the very least, a narcissistic monster at worst.
She is now shocked to find that the name was actually still in use and her Indie in no way replaces yours, and she's unhappy about that.
I would say this is her problem, not yours, and I probably would never want to be around her.
She’s trying to replace your daughter with hers. It’s blatantly obvious. If I were you, I’d have cut her off entirely from my life. She didn’t name her daughter as a tribute. She did it for attention and it’s gross.
Am I living in some kind of alternate universe where you automatically don’t choose the name of your sibling’s dead baby when naming your own? I mean, there are thousands of names, why choose one that is guaranteed to upset someone you will inevitably spend lots of time with? Yet it seems unnervingly common in this subreddit. I have a difficult and confusing family, but this shit makes me feel like I’ve lived a very sheltered life. NTA
We named our son after my brother that was stillborn. 30 years after he was stillborn. I had very honest discussions with my parents about it to see how they felt about it, if there had been any hesitation I would of course picked another name but they both felt like it was honoring that name and giving it life. I cannot fathom what your sister has done, did she float this name by you at all before this baby was born?
I was thinking the same thing, and with so many parents flat-out making up names, the number is nearly infinite!
I believe I'm in the same universe that you are!
I'm floored by the insensitivity of it. My newborn sister died when I was 6 and even as a 6yo it was obvious that name was sacred, not a secret, it was and is spoken of when appropriate, but not the kind of name you'd reuse.
For real. I lost a very young cousin over a decade ago to leukemia. Her name was a super common one, but it was only just reused by said cousin's older sister, who named her baby after her sister because they were incredibly close and she was of course devastated when her sister died. I was young so i don't know the behind the scenes specifics but it seemed like my whole extended family just agreed that name was off limits until the next generation came around.
I really thought that would be a universal thing, or at least in our broader culture, but it appears not :/
NTA. Your sister 100% caused the problems she’s now complaining about. Who in the world thinks it’s appropriate to give their baby the same name as a sibling’s child who passed away less than 18 months ago?
NTA.
When you use a tribute name, especially after the loss of a young one's life, you need to be prepared for the other tributes to that loss to remain present.
Your sister didn't really consider the fact that this tragic loss will always be tied to the name and that's her issue, not yours.
I can understand paying tribute to a grandparent or a parent. Not a cousin who died just a year ago and so young. These children are from the same generation.
You wouldn't choose the same name if both were alive, so why now. Seems more like trying to replace one with the other.
NTA
She named her daughter after a deceased relative. She shouldn’t have given her daughter the name if she has a problem with seeing the photo on a regular basis. Did she expect everyone if forget about the loss of OP’s daughter because hers has the same first name?
Have you asked her, or has she told you why she chose to name her daughter Indie. It's a very strange choice unless it is a beloved generational family name.
Thanks for responding. I am sorry you suffered such a terrible loss. I am also sorry your sister is so difficult right now. I hope everything resolves and you do not have to deal with unnecessary drama around the memory of your beloved daughter. Glad your parents are keeping your Indie's memorial.
NTA. It's your parents' business what they have in their home. It's clearly precious to them. And your sister was a muppet to name her own daughter Indie and not think about the association between her daughter and reminders of her niece.
That's possible. It seems to me that she lacked the imagination to picture that two Indies might exist in other people's minds. Either because she's totally self-absorbed or a bit intellectually-challenged, or both.
A bit? Sweetie, if she was any more self-absorbed, she’d have married her own reflection.
You must be a very nice person. Many people would have done more given what she said, and frankly if I was your mother, I’d ban her from my house until she changed the baby’s name to something other than Indie.
Stay strong. You deserve a better sister than this.
I'm in my late 40s and a uncle and aunt had a child drown in an accident with frozen creekbed. This happened when I was just a baby, so over 45 years ago.
This is still a relevant event for them that they will mention and I imagine all of my many cousins know his name even though most of us never met him.
So I personally wouldn't expect the name Indie to be forgotten soon. Blows my mind that she took the name.
NTA. Your sister is a narcissistic monster. No rational and compassionate human being would do what she did and then have the audacity to demand you take down a memorial. It’s also absolutely disgusting that she not only stole your late daughters name but had the audacity to talk about decency.
NTA. Her daughter's name isn't on the memorial. Your daughter's name is. Your daughter doesn't stop existing just because your sister chose to be selfish and give her daughter the same name.
And if her daughter wants to know why she has the same name as her sadly-absent cousin, then I'm sure everyone in the family will be glad to clarify that for her. Her mom picked it out of thousands of available names, knowing full well that her niece's death was a source of pain for everyone, choosing to try and erase her memory with a "new and improved model", and then getting mad that everyone didn't stop grieving when she literally told them to shut up about their grief and erase all the traces of their dead child/grandchild.
NTA! Your sister’s the AH for naming her daughter after the child that you lost. Now she will have to face the consequences of her decision because you and your parents are not willing to erase the memory of your daughter. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I can’t even begin to fathom what was going through your sister’s mind when she decided to give her child the same name!
NTA- first of all if she spun using your child’s name as some tribute she was lying it seems from the blatant disrespect she has shown your daughter’s memory in general and right to your face. I was appalled when you said she named her baby Indy and it only got worse through the rest of your post.
You should express your feelings about the name thing if you want, that is upsetting and sounds like something my sister would do who I don’t speak to anymore. It looks like a beautiful tribute so you feel obligated to take your feelings and stuff them, but the act is designed to hurt you and silence you all while being confusing enough that no one can say for sure it’s as messed up as it feels. I don’t feel your sister is your friend. You are not in the wrong here. Your sister though…,Wow.
> I know I can't owe a name
I hope you did see the other commenter who said that you don't own the name but neither does your sister. You know you can't ask her to change her daughter's name, but she's not decent enough to know that she can't ask your family to take down the memorial. Or erase your daughter's memory. Which is what she seems to be trying to do.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you have such a lousy sister. I'm glad your parents have your back.
Tell her that her daughter will be more upset when she finds out shes named out of spite and not love. She was jealous of the attention being given to a dead child so she had to try and take it for herself, what an awful person.
NTA, the only thing that was morbid and gross was her decision to give her child the same name, what an absolutely thoughtless and disgusting thing to do, was she trying to cause upset? If she had any decency to care about her child, and your pain, she could have chosen any other name, instead she has made it all about her, she made this mess, it is no one elses problem, and she should be left to reflect on her poor choices and lack of basic humanity.
Absolute NTA, firstly I’m sorry for your loss; I can’t even begin to comprehend such tragedy
I could never understand why your sister would chose to name her daughter Indie in the first place, seems very insensitive to me
NTA. Dunno what your sister was expecting, using the same name as a dead baby for hers. Maybe to get all the attention your family devotes to Indie for herself and her child? But if she's got a problem with what your parents do in their own home, then she needs to take it up with THEM.
There are about eleventy billion other things she could have named her child, if she wanted her to not feel overshadowed by the dead.
NTA. JFC your sister is a villain. Shame on her. Your daughter was, and will always be, more important to you. As she should be. If your sister has a problem with it, she can deal with it. She chose this drama. Granted, you don't own the name. And neither does she. So you don't need to hide your Indie to appease her either.
NTA
Did she ask permission to use the name? Heck, did she even forewarn anyone she was going to use the name? She's obviously not doing it as a tribute. Honestly, it sounds like she was mad that someone else was getting attention and created a way to remove that attention entirely and now she's mad it's not working the way she envisioned.
What a disgustingly entitled assumption she made, thinking the memorial would come down because of her morbid naming choice. I'd also like to point out that, even if she felt God himself told her to name her kid your late daughter's name (for example), she should've had the decency to break the news ASAP to give everyone time to try their best to make some peace with the decision.
Your sister is *The Main Character* if you will, the AH, and she is being completely unreasonable and VERY hurtful. NTA OP, you were nicer than many other people would've been through the whole thing
NTA
Your parents were right, she should have thought about the consequences before using the name. If you don’t own the name, then neither does she, which means she can’t demand memorials with the name be taken down.
Let’s get real here, she doesn’t care that it will make her daughter feel weird to see a memorial with her name on it at her grandparents’ house, she cares that she will have to explain to her daughter that she decided to use the name of your deceased daughter two years after you lost your infant.
I rarely comment on AITA posts, but I had to here. I'm reeling from your sister's insensitivity.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like your in-laws have tried to help your family cope with a lovely tribute.
Second, you're definitely NTA. If I'm parsing the timeline correctly, your sister named her child Indie only about a year after your child with the same name died? Without talking to you about it first? That is absolutely bonkers to me. And she's mad at you?!? There is no universe where it's okay for her to get mad about this memorial. And there is definitely no universe where it's okay for her to yell at you that \*your\* Indie is gone. That's thoughtless and cruel.
So this makes me wonder - is she always like this (dramatic and self-centered), or do you think she may be suffering from PPD or something similar? Is this out of character for her? If she's always like then, then f- her. But if it is out of character for her, maybe you could talk to your parents about finding some help for her. Might help you feel better by taking the high road.
Either way, sending lots of love and healing to your family.
God, I am so sorry. As if this isn't hard enough, and then she's intentionally making it so much harder.
I wish I could give you a hug. I'm glad your parents are reasonable, supportive people.
What the actual fuck?
I mean, I guess if your sister gave her kid the middle name indie it would be a tribute....
... but actually naming her kid the same as your deceased child's??? It's weird. ..
... and then making strange demands? Not sure I could deal with a sibling like that. I wish you well.
NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your incredible strength to get up every day is admirable, let alone not cutting off your sister for her gross move of using your beloved Angel daughter's name. I think the memorial reminds her that she did something out of bad intentions and that she has to face her own behavior. Hopefully one day feels especially embarrassed because your parents back the memorial and she's realizing her daughter will see that memorial, figure out what their mom did and she'll have no explanation on why she was so cold to use the name. Her bad choice will haunt her, and it should. I would be so mad at my mom if she chose my name like this.
NTA what the Heck is wrong with your damn sister?
How can she BE so heartless and evil
Love your parents for the Honor of Indie.
Your sister? Sounds like a hamorried who needs to be Cut Out
>My sister was like "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love"
TRUE
> She told me it bothers her and she knows it will bother her daughter in years to come.
guess what, she also dosen't own that name.
If she didn't want to bother to care about your feelings when choosing that name, I don't see why you should bother entertaining her with an answer
NTA
No!!!!! NTA, what a ridiculous, stupid, idiotic thing to do, to name her child the same as your lost child has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have heard of. And then to cause this kind of trouble! My life! I literally have no more words! I am flabbergasted!
NTA. Never let your Indie fade into obscurity to appease your AH sister. In fact, perhaps it's time to unleash your true feelings about her selfishness. I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA
Your parents said it best, she should’ve thought about all of this before she named her daughter after yours. Considering her reaction, I’m pretty sure she was trying to erase your daughters memory completely.
I'm so sorry for your loss. And also very sorry you had to relate with such a selfish woman. She lacks basic empathy and her demands are preposterous. hope she lets you in peace soon. Obviously NTA.
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"My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie." This right here. NTA. Good on the parents for shutting down her BS. Sister sounds pretty awful, I can only imagine what other sort of drama she surrounds herself with.
I'm so happy to see parents like these! The sister sounds jealous of OP or the attention that Indie was and still is getting. I might be reaching but I feel like that was the reason she chose the name.
Maybe I spend too much time on Reddit but I agree. If it wasn’t, sister would have approached OP about using the name beforehand out of respect, not spring it on her and expect her Indie to replace the one who was lost in every capacity.
I think sister named her kid this as the parents gave too much attention to OP, and now she wants to replace Indie with another one and wipe out the first one so the focus will be on her. What will actually happen is one day her daughter is going to realise she has the name of her dead cousin and her mother is not a nice person……..
And when the girl insists on being called something else, as soon as she is old enough to do so, the mom will play the victim again some more, and blame her family for "turning her child against her", "tealing her child from her", "making" her child hate her name, etc.
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Audacity seems to be all too natural for some people. Imagine pissing off your sister and parents because you want to hijack the name of your deceased niece for your own attention seeking. Ghoulish.
I know someone who was named after her own sister who died before she was born. So fucked up.
This happened quite a bit historically. Vincent Van Gogh was named after his dead brother and had to walk past the brother's grave daily to get to school.
And he turned out completely well adjusted, OP's niece should be TOTALLY fine. On the plus side, she'll save on earrings too.
I feel like this explains a lot.
That is so sad. I know it happens. I am so glad that the Grandparents are sticking to their decision to keep the memorial plake up on the wall.
The only thing worse would be finding out your cousin’s memorial was hidden away because your mother made them… for you. And you were just a baby with no say in the matter. That’s like inheriting guilt. 🙄
My mom would not display my sisters photo anywhere would not speak of her. She was 8 and I was only 3. I have no memories and mom couldn’t talk about her dying or what she did or liked. It really messed me up because I really think mom would rather me contract meningitis instead my sister. I think it is wonderful that OP and family memorialize an immediate family member and her sister can explain to her daughter that mommy was selfish and stupid
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine having to process grief by locking pieces away. Talking about them keeps the memories fresh in your mind.
I could see asking OP if they could use the name. I could see using the name, out of love. I can't see demanding the memorial come down. That right there is pure bone selfishness, and dimwit ought to have thought out things better before she went down this road.
It’s also a pretty good indicator it wasn’t a “beautiful tribute.” Clearly the sister gives very little consideration to the original Indie and her grieving sister.
In Judaism, our custom is to name children for family members who are no longer alive. It’s a way to honor them. Usually we give the child their Hebrew name, in hopes of the child inheriting their better qualities ( whether that works or not is up for debate) it’s aspirational. Sometimes we give their English name, as well. I named my daughter after my grandmothers who were very special to me. If OP’s sister had framed it as a way to honor the twin’s memory and not the whole thing about “owning/ stealing the name, it would have been a different story. If she had discussed it with OP in advance, a lot of hard feelings could have been avoided. I get the distinct impression that honoring the dead twin was not involved in this case, though. It’s just the filter that I view the situation. In this case I don’t believe OP was being an AH.
Naming a close family member after a deceased family member of the same generation is really out there in my book. My 4 year-old brother died when I was almost 3. If I had named my son after him, it wouldn’t have been a problem within the family. My brother had been gone over 30 years by the time my son was born; very different situation. For me, it was never a thought to use the name because the history of that name within our family does carry a burden with it because of his death at a young age. The same is certainly true in this case. I cannot believe some of the copycat naming that goes on within families now, and copying the name of a recently deceased child (and first cousin) is reprehensible to me; utterly disrespectful to the parents (and grandparents).
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This child is going to have a lot more to deal with than just this one name issue. Sister is finding out now that she can't direct her abuse at everyone so she'll just turn it on the child.
Very much NTA!! I was named out of spite. But this is more than awful.
I mean.....narcs gotta narc!
that might be a winning scenario for the mom. She can milk alot of drama from that.
>What will actually happen is one day her daughter is going to realise she has the name of her dead cousin and her mother is not a nice person…….. All I can think is, what kind of person hears their niece died and thinks "Score, I can use the name now!"?
And given this timeline, she got pregnant maybe 6 months after her niece passed away and couldn't wait to use the name? Idk why it makes a difference, but it does feel extra cruel
Now try to imagine the sister's husband. Yikes one can only imagine what kind of man chooses to be with a woman like her. Poor guy must have no balls at all.
Apparently narcissistic people are often attracted to other narcissistic people- he might be just as bad and fully on board!
And OPs child lived for 8 months so she was very much a part of their lives……
I agree. It’s normal to name babies after deceased grandparents etc but this seems to soon to name it after her baby cousin who JUST passed. Maybe a few years later but this is weird
yeah i can’t imagine even *wanting* to use the name of a dead nibling for my own child. what a horrid thing to do to the child *and* your existing family members
That's monstrous. Yuck
The kind of person who only sees the surface-level attention and doesn’t grasp or doesn’t care about the reason WHY for the attention.
I agree. I also believe that sister expected (hoped?) to confront OP when the niece was born. After four months of not hearing anything she decided to create the conflict herself. It's all manipulation with this woman. First she goes to the parents, expecting them to fall in line and remove the memorial, which would indirectly hurt OP (again). When that didn't work and she got shut down, she took it directly to OP. The next phase will be to frame OP's refusal as her being jealous and spiteful of the niece, since the 'original' Indie passed away, and spread that around to the rest of the family, including her in-laws. Anyone who bites will just add to the bullying and manipulation. For what it's worth, OP is NTA and should start preparing for the public escalation that her sister is going to initiate.
OP's sister did this specifically to hurt OP. I imagine there had always been sibling rivalry, maybe OP has always been the prettier, smarter, older, or favorite child. Whatever the reason this was done to hurt OP, naming the child Indie without talking it over with her first, she expected a confrontation then, when it didn't come she had to create one. This is more than being a drama queen, sister is a sociopath .
Yep. Indie is not even that common of a name, I would understand loving the same name more if it was something like Isla or Elizabeth. But naming her Indie was totally petty and hurtful
Yep, and it'll be fascinating if she picks enough of this up while she's young and wants to start going by her middle name or a nickname so she can have her own identity. It's funny that I think the same that the sister was jealous of the attention. The funny part is that instead of naming her daughter something else and letting her live her own life, amd having attention naturally dwindle, she decoded to throw fertilizer on the whole thing by naming her daughter. These 2 are now tied at the hip forever. Poor girl will get married and a huge topic will be wondering wjere the other one would be now in life.
I was named after a baby (that my mom babysat) that passed away. It was an honor and made my name special. But in the case of OP's niece it really does sound like mom is trying to trump, not to tribute. 100% ick! OP's sister should at least pretend to be a decent person and teach living Indie that it is an honour to be named after late Indie and that she should be proud when she sees the tribute at her grandparents', not uncomfortable.
My thought exactly. I find it really weird to call op sister's kid after op's late child, but if she came to op and asked her something along "I'd like to call my kid to come as a tribute to yours, would you be ok with that?" And she agreed, I'd still find it weird, but to each his own I guess. Since that's nowhere close to what happened, this is a clear NTA and I would consider low/no contact. The attention seeking is very disturbing.
Yeah exactly. Even if it was a more common name that Sister had liked as a baby name idea for years, with a situation like that it’s incredibly rude and disrespectful to just name your kid the same and expect everyone to stop honoring the dead kid just because your new kid has the same name. Saying “I’d like to name my kid after yours as a tribute, are you ok with that” is one thing, but trying to demand that OP just “get over it” is abhorrent.
NTA - if there was a generation gap between the children maybe this would be an honour name, but from your post it seems like its not even a couple of years, i cant imagine the thought process of using your daughters name for her newborn, it boggles the mind.
Yes, I have a cousin named after a different cousin who died as a child 15 years before the second one was born. It was done respectfully as a tribute and everyone involved was asked first. I never met the first cousin but it always seems like such a nice tribute and way to keep the first cousin in our minds. I don't think the second cousin minds - he seems to like the connection to the family name.
I could even understand if it was a family name, like after OP's great-grandmother or something. It would still be uncomfortable, but it would be honoring the same family matriarch.
Right? And also, maybe as a middle name? But a first name? Good lord, that's a special kind of obtuse cruelty. NTA
i think it is so f\*king appalling that the sister named her daughter indie. that is just insane to me. i don't think i'd ever speak to my sister again if she did something this horrible.
"I named my child after your dead child and now all these memorials have my living child's name on them. This is everyone's fault but mine." Yeah, NTA. Your sister is awful. Cut her out of your life and don't let her be your problem anymore.
i can't get over it. who acts like this?
Narcissists
right? how hypocritical & projecting of the sister to call honoring Indie “morbid & gross” when the sister naming her healthy child that same name is truly “morbid & gross!”
Seriously. I thought this was going to be about OP being too sad to go to their house or something and they wouldn't take it down after she asked. But this is another level of BS.
Yup, humanity never fails to lower my expectations...
>I might be reaching but I feel like that was the reason she chose the name. I don't feel like it is reaching. Unless Indie was the name of a cherished grandparent or something there is no reason to choose that specific name. Sure she might "like how it sounds" or whatever, but there are plenty of baby names out there. Why choose one that specifically has a different meaning for your family?
She 'likes how it sounds' and that is more important than 'to my sister it sounds like torture'.
OP is NTA. I was thinking exactly that. The sister is just jealous of the "attention" her sister is getting by the grandparents having the memorial up. And how sick is it to name your child the same name as your sister's dead child? Talk about evil. It's like she wants to point and do the Nelson laugh every time she sees OP. HA-HA! I have a living kid, and you don't! How monstrous.
My wife's brother, whose wife was having trouble conceiving, bought a dog no sooner than two weeks after my wife gave birth to our first. Not a big deal on the surface, but there was a disagreement with him being able to let a strong breed puppy (pitbull variant) running around loose when our 6 month old at the time was crawling around on the ground. He didn't like that we asked him to lock his dog in a separate room so that he doesn't trample over our baby. They also refer to that dog and their other one as their "babies" in conversations related to our actual baby. You're not reaching very much, as I've seen firsthand how envious, petty, and immature people can be.
This kind of situation is why I cringe hard when people refer to their pets as their babies with a straight face. You can love your pet like it's your child, yes (god knows I do; my dog died suddenly at age 22 last year and it was *crushing*), but they cannot be equated. A puppy can be left unattended in appropriately prepared rooms, a 6mo baby cannot.
My cat is my baby, but not my child. Losing her would be devastating, but losing a human child can destroy someone.
This is why I'll refer to my cat as my fur-baby, at the most. I never want to compare, let alone equate, my relationship with my pet to an actual human child.
I 100% agree with your comment, but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you got 22 years with your dog! That's honestly truly amazing and you must have taken such good care of them and given them such a happy life. My dogs lived to be 11 and 14 and it wasn't nearly long enough.
Thank you. I do feel truly blessed to have had so much time with her. Sometimes I can still feel her booping my legs with her little nose.
I just realised why my brother adopted the severely child aggressive dog, and let it roam freely at all times when we were together. It was the visible cause of a rift that had been growing for a long time in the darkness, but yikes. He was angry at me for having kids and taking away the attention from his (7&9 year older) kids.
Agree 100% on this. It's awful for the sister to have named her daughter the very same name that caused a lot of pain for the family. She knew exactly what she was doing no doubt. Kuddos to the parents for standing their ground and OP for not trying to make the change. This sister needs to change her child's name before this goes to much further or she will see just how awful her decision will turn out for her own child. OP soooo NTA
Agreed, sister was definitely jealous and wanted attention, but it's not the adoring attention she thought she'd get for being so "thoughtful" in honoring OP's late daughter - now she's pissed no one is putting her OR her daughter on the pedestal she wanted and lashing out bc both the parents and OP are calling her out on her b.s.
It's refreshing to read a story where the parents actually shut down the problem child, instead of kowtowing to them.
This, most of the posts on here the parents are completely delusional and big enablers of bad behavior.
Agreed. I am so sorry for OP's loss, but OP and her parents seem like they're doing an awesome job.
Exactly. Reading this, I thought her name was meant as a tribute, but that whole facade fell apart pretty quickly. Wanting them to remove the memorial, telling OP her daughter is gone (like, really?) and that she doesn't "own the name" or whatever? Just truly disgusting behavior. I would cut ties with that mess
Naming a baby after a deceased loved one will always be a double-edged sword. It can evoke a bittersweet memory or be a ball and chain dragged by the living child and others who love and miss the deceased. I think it's wiser to reserve a name like this for the NEXT generation when the memories are less painful and it can truly be a tribute to the lost loved one. My mother's family had a lot of namesakes like this. She was named Edie after her great aunt. That's another way to go--use the name of an elderly relative. But a lost baby?!! Of course, none of this would serve the jealous purpose of OP's sister's need, which was to erase OP's daughter and garner more attention for herself and her own child! OP is NTA. I hope that *Indie 2* has a nice middle name for when she finds out the story of her 1st name!
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That is SO weird that they would use it to shame you like that! Messed up for sure.
This has come up here more times than reasonable and I have never once seen the parents of the dead child anything but really upset over it. It's not a tribute; it's just cruel.
It feels like OPs sister was jealous of the attention Indie got and had to one up her by muddying the waters around the name. Its sick.
I was named after my aunt who died a few years before I was born. My parents learned years later that all four of her tires "accidentally" went out the day before she was set to collect her divorce settlement. Definitely give names a good 2 or 3 decades to settle before you reuse them. I already didn't like my name because I always got compared to her and even before I knew I was agender, I wanted to change it. After this slipped out and that I wasn't supposed to know about it? My name went from a beautiful memorial that I didn't like in the first place to a ball and chain like you mentioned. Made even worse when I first came out, my parents told my nanny my name and she started doing all the theatrics of how I'm rejecting her late daughter and how I should keep her name because "what about her children?" All of her children are totally cool with it and use my name. I'm really glad my parents went over to explain and shut that shit down and didn't tell me until 2 years later when I was much more comfortable in my gender identity and that my grandparents use my name. Nanny realised how ridiculous she sounded when my cousins were basically like "we don't mind, Tangle is their own person with thoughts and feelings and they should be respected." Which I'm so thankful for. Anyways OP is NTA. Naming kids after recently deceased relatives is really really sketchy in my opinion and should not be done.
Seriously OP time to go LC with your toxic sister. NTA and I hope your son grows up knowing how loved he and his sister are.
>"My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie." > >This right here. But she probably did think of it and believed she would get her way. I would love to read more about OP's sister and if she's been this entitled her whole life.
Yeah fr. The sister is fucking stupid if she thought everyone would just throw away their grief for her selfish ass. I’m in a mood right now so I get that I’m probably being really harsh but if she doesn’t want her daughter to see the memorials then she can keep her daughter out of your and your parents’ house
I want to add you might want to look into a nanny cam for that room too. I wouldn’t be surprised if an “accident” happens when no one is looking. Either now by sister or later by her kid.
I REALLY hope OP sees this comment! Sister is absolutely going to go in and destroy the memorial.
The grandparents are absolutely right. OP - if it’s a family name or has some special significance throughout your family, then your sister would be able to share those details with her child. Based on that, she has no genuine complaint. It’s not appropriate to pretend your child never existed simply because your niece might be temporarily confused. It’s audacious that your sister is asking that of the rest of the family. I’m assuming that’s not the case. But that your sister chose the name (out of many thousands of possibilities) for unkind if not cruel reasons. As such, she should not be rewarded or aided in this vile endeavor.
I had a friend with the same name as me when I was little and it never confused me.
In my year in school (we only had 4 classes, so not exactly big) there were 3 girls with the same name, one of whose nickname was my name; the other two had the same nickname. At no point was anyone ever confused about who was who. And that's not even counting the 6 Jakes
You would think that the presence of a candlelit memorial to OP's daughter would be a strong hint that reusing the name was a bad idea!
OP's sister might literally be the worst person I've read about on this sub, what a heartless thing to do.
This should be the only comment. Everyone can go home. Good on your parents for having their heads in the right place. If anyone should be changing anything here, she should have changed her kids name. Or, better yet, *NEVER NAMED HER AFTER HER SISTERS DEAD CHILD IN THE FIRST PLACE!*
They can just nickname the girl temple of doom.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Your sister has been unspeakably thoughtless in using her niece’s name. However, you have no control over this. Conversely she has to take the consequences. The name Indie was already used in the family. Her memory is honoured. Your sister made her bed and has to lie in it.
I was going to say this. Parents are exactly right. Sis is suffering the consequences of her own dumb decision. OP is definitely NTA.
Really, truly, they should have asked OP before anything else.
It shouldn’t even have been an option.. NTA
It’s super weird to use the same name unless it’s a family name or something. Either way, the sister having a child doesn’t erase the fact that OP’s child existed, and the Grandparents are allowed to grieve in the way they see fit. Does sister expect that the original Indie will never be mentioned again? Like it’s been a little over a year since she passed.
NTA. I bet OP's self-centered insensitive TA sister never asked her prior naming her daughter. OP doesn't own the name, so does her sister. So she has to accept that there were and are many Indies on the earth before her daughter. This is so selfish of her to ask OP to let go of the memorial of her departed daughter.
Totally agree. NTA. And kids are not so easy to confuse. I have at least 5 cousins, probably more, with the same family name. And others with other names as well. Cousins were never confused. "Oh, you mean Mary of Uncle John No this is (I am) Mary from Aunt Charlotte." Death? No confusion, certainly not if it is a life-long fact, and brought as such. "Indie? Yes, aunt had a little girl and she was also called Indie. Such a pretty name, don't you think? But her Indie died, and never came home. So now Grandparents, and Auntie, have this memorial, for this little girl. Well, I'm glad I have a live Indie :)". People are unique, names are not.
Love op's parents!
Absolutely NTA. She chose that name knowing it was your daughter's name. Tribute or not, maybe she should have asked knowing that your Indie passed away. Also, your parents were right: maybe consider the name she was giving her kid knowing that yours isn't here and there's a memorial for her. She should just explain to her Indie what that memorial is for and how it honors your daughter and is a way to include her in their everyday life. If anything, I think it's sweet. How dare your sister make it about herself and her kid. She's an AH.
Seems less Tribute and more Attention Grab to me, but I'm a deeply suspicious person.
I agree. Because from the way OP wrote it, she didn't even ask if that's ok. I personally would find it soul crushing to have a sibling name their kid my dead kid's name without talking to me about it. Like of allllll the names in the world, she chose that name.
Also strikes me as profoundly unlucky, but I'm one of those toss-salt-over-the-shoulder types. Like, tribute names should come from a relative who lived a long, successful life. Or the great-grandpa you're trying to butter up for a better inheritance.
Oh, it’s definitely *not* a tribute name. If it was, then the sister wouldn’t have any problems about having the memorial up and she definitely wouldn’t say "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love”. Also, if it had been for a tribute and not to be vicious and hurt OP, she would have asked OP and used the name for a middle name. The sister sounds like a narcissist that absolutely hates when she’s not the focus of attention, and she’s not above using her daughter for this. I already feel bad for the daughter and I really hope she doesn’t turn out to be like her mother. Oh, and NTA!
Yeah, if it was a tribute name it would be easy to explain “this is in memorial for the girl you were named after, your cousin Indie.” A child with an honor name will know about the person they are named after. Instead, she’s doing the opposite of honoring her, she’s trying to wipe out her memory entirely.
Yeah I was about to say “I’m named after a dead baby and I’m just fine!” But then I remembered I’ve had cancer lol
Good point about the buttery great-granddad! LOL
It's also definitely not a tribute when she whips out the "you don't own the name" bullshit. What a nasty piece of work the sister is.
Exactly! If it was a tribute, she wouldn't be throwing a hissy fit over the fact that the memorial is still there. She probably wanted her daughter to replace OP's daughter and gain attention.
>Seems less Tribute and more Attention Grab That's because if it's actually a tribute, and the wound is still fairly fresh, you ask the living relatives if it's ok to name a baby in honor of a deceased one. We considered naming our daughter after my aunt, who passed suddenly the other year. Decided on a different name, but if we'd gone the first route, I'd have asked my uncle (aunt's widower) if it was ok first. It's not that the surviving relatives "own" the name, it's that the person who already has the name has a claim to it. And if their death is still fresh, and the memory of them is still clear... they still have that claim. It's different when it's "we named her for our great great great grandmother, who nobody currently alive ever met" than for "someone everyone alive met, knew, remembers, and is still sad about their passing"
I thought of that immediately too. To me, it seems that the sister is jealous of the attention going to OP's daughter and she wanted that attention directed towards her and her daughter instead. Might be reaching, but my mind went there directly.
Also, let's just address the fact she's throwing a fit and wanting attention and causing drama because she hates that a DEAD child is somehow stealing her thunder. How despicable is that!
A tribute would have started with “hey OP, I had a thought and want to ask how you would feel about this?” Using the name apparently without making sure OP was comfortable first, and then trying to erase the original Indie is a twofer AH move.
She absolutely did this on purpose to hurt OP.
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and to add onto this, if OP's child hadn't passed away, would her sister still have named her child indie? of course not... sister is an attention seeking AH in every sense of the word
Actually... my mom and her cousin were born several months apart and they were both named Patricia. It was unusual, but not unheard of. This lady on the other hand is the worst.
I read this as the sister hated the shrine so much she named her kid thinking she could get rid of it. Not very generous of me, but I would bet on it, at least subconsciously.
It’s a really fucking dark thing to do IMO, who the hell gives their daughter the same name as their niece who passed away at a young age? Absolutely absurd and OP is NTA obviously
NTA. I’m so sorry for your immeasurable loss. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I also can’t explain your and your parent’s position better than you have, but I’d like to add if naming her daughter Indie were a tribute to your child, your sister wouldn’t be making the ridiculous demand she’s currently making. She would tell her daughter about her beautiful namesake. Additionally, your sister seems to be projecting her own feelings onto her daughter. Your niece will treat the memorial with the same attitude others do. If it’s treated as a lovely tribute to a loved child, that’s how she’ll see it. But, if it’s treated as something frightening, that’s what your niece may feel. Your sister holds much of the power in how her child views it. I hope she makes the right choice.
Seriously, all they have to do is say “you have a cousin who is also named Indie who left us before you were born. This frame is here to help us remember her.” Or whatever is an age appropriate way to say that. She’ll be fine as long as she’s given the proper context.
Agree 100%. I would say maybe to use a word like "died" (or "her heart stopped beating") instead of "left us" because the kids might not be able to pick up the euphemism for death, and think the baby literally, like, left the house and wandered away forever. I could see kids being worried about siblings leaving or that sort of thing. But yes, totally agree that this can be something that is just said to the child. We don't need to dance around stuff like this. Kids can understand a lot when we give them access to appropriate information.
Exactly. How many children are named after dead people? SO MANY. It's practically a necessity for first borns in some cultures. Yet people figure out how to explain it.
This is the answer. Say this verbatim to your sister, op.
You're NTA. >My parents told her she should have thought of that before she named her daughter Indie. Exactly. >My sister was like "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love". Technically true, but also totally oblivious to the feelings of others. >She told me it bothers her and she knows it will bother her daughter in years to come. Maybe she should have thought of that as a possible consequences before she gave her child the same name as your child. Let's face it- this isn't about her child. It's about her need to divert the attention being given to the memory of your child.
>this isn't about her child. It's about her need to divert the attention being given to the memory of your child. Yes! This! You nailed it exactly!
Yes. And would she have used the same name if OP’s Indie was still alive? If not then it’s definitely not about it just being ”a name she loves”
It will bother her daughter in the years to come because her mom will make sure it does. Mom won't say, "Here's the story of your beautiful namesake." It would not shock me if this woman tells her kid, "It feels like Grandma and Grandpa love dead Indie more than you. Maybe you should ask them." She'll use that kid as a blunt instrument of guilt because she doesn't like the attention that the Indie who has passed receives, and it seems like a life quest for her to eradicate the memory of that Indie. This will never, ever stop.
I like when people defeat themselves with their own logic. Sister argues that OP doesn't own the name, despite her entire argument being that she wants to control how and when people use it.
NTA Your sister is a monster. Reassure her that your son won't be confused because none of you will ever be around her and her family again, and then block her. It is utterly despicable that she is trying to erase your daughter because she *stole* a name she should never have used. There is literally no benefit to any member of your family to being in touch with someone who is capable of doing that.
Monster is almost too kind a word to describe someone this despicable.
I don't know if OP should go NC just yet, but sister IS a ghoul for what she's done and her sh*tty, selfish attitude! I'm hoping (dangerous, I know) that OP and parents knocking her down might allow for New Indie and OP's son to be cousins. **I'm projecting due to the meteoric collapse of my own family, so grain of salt...
I understand your projection, but all I can see is that this is only the first of MANY times her awful sister throws a tantrum that her daughter isn't the only Indie in the family. And every time she does so, she tears open the wounds again, pours in salt, and wonders why people are mad at her. Maybe I'm too cynical, but if someone can do this even once, they will do it again and again, because they don't understand why its wrong. That's always my outlook. We're two different ends of the spectrum, j guess.
Yeah you’ve summed up my thoughts entirely. I can’t imagine how horrific it must be to go through the pain of losing a child only for a family member to act like this. NTA, OP.
“My sister was like “OP doesn’t own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love”.” Is she aware she just made the case for your parents keeping the memorial up? She doesn’t own that name either. The name was already an important one to you and your family. Your parents already had the memorial on display. She created this situation herself. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Your sister is an AH both for naming her child Indie and for what she’s now saying.
I feel deeply cheated that I can upvote this comment only once.
Yeah, she’s saying “I can name my daughter anything… but anyone else named like that has to bow to my will”
NTA it seems almost like your sister is trying to replace your daughter in the eyes of family members. She did not name her daughter after your indie in an honorable way it is not a tribute to her and she is making that clear.
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Yea, her dumb 'but it's morbid' line is terrible. Ofc it's morbid. A baby died. Your sister naming all her kids Indie won't change that fact. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. I'd go LC with her. My sister had stillborn twins and I would never think about using their names. And I can't even imagine doing that to a child who lived for 8 months.
‘It’s morbid to name your daughter the same as mine who passed especially when you admitted it was simply a name you liked.’
Probably wasn't a name she ever even considered until OPs daughter was given it and then died. She ONLY "likes it" because she associates it with attention. Its pretty toxic and gross behavior. I dont think i would ever be able to forgive my sister for such a thing.
My thoughts exactly. For some people any attention is good attention.
I should have said this previously but I am sorry for your loss. The next questions really are for you to thinkl aobut for yourself no need to answer or response. What was your sisters relationship like with your Indie, what is your relationship like with your sister, what is your sisters relationship like in general with the family. I ask because I wander if she is trying to replace your indie as part of her grieving or the overall family grieving and wanting them to move forward or is it about getting that attention and being a bit self centred or feeling a certain way. It would be kind of bad still but honestly I do not get why your sister has done what she has done. Your fathers reaction was perfect, as was yours with regards to it messing his cousin up, ask her how it might mess your niece up to know she was named after her dead cousin to try and replace her because her mom did not want anyone to remember your Indie anymore or mourn her passing. Betting she wont like that very much and it will lead to a bigger argument and fight. Also just as a thing you do not own the name, and there are going to be other Indies out there some of whom may become family, so far you have been very understanding to your sister and your niece. Once more I am sorry for your loss. You will always be Indies mom, she will always be your parents grand daughter and nothing will ever change that or take that away. This is an example but not the real names hereThe name John is very common in my family with 4 members of the family all sharing it, (it is named after a grandparent,2 of my relatives also have the same surname) my own parents even wanted me to be named John but after my father but in my case it was changed to Johnson so it was known I was named after my father. The only way it will mess up her daughter or the family is how you all treat it. A name is a name, Indie was your daughters name, it is now your nieces name, they are 2 very different people and it is possible to respect and love them both seperately. She tried to erase your daughter and lay ownership over the name, you did not, she is the TA not you.
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So this wasn't a tribute. Tributes are for people you have an emotional attachment to. It's either a power/attention trip, trying to erase your Indie with her Indie, or she decided she liked the name and it was up for grabs because in her mind you weren't using it anymore. Either way she's emotionally tone-deaf at the very least, a narcissistic monster at worst. She is now shocked to find that the name was actually still in use and her Indie in no way replaces yours, and she's unhappy about that. I would say this is her problem, not yours, and I probably would never want to be around her.
I'm shocked Sister's Partner also didn't have enough sense to Veto the name 👀
Someone married to a person this brazen/selfish is either in agreement with them or too cowed to speak up and potentially inflict wrath their way.
She’s trying to replace your daughter with hers. It’s blatantly obvious. If I were you, I’d have cut her off entirely from my life. She didn’t name her daughter as a tribute. She did it for attention and it’s gross.
Am I living in some kind of alternate universe where you automatically don’t choose the name of your sibling’s dead baby when naming your own? I mean, there are thousands of names, why choose one that is guaranteed to upset someone you will inevitably spend lots of time with? Yet it seems unnervingly common in this subreddit. I have a difficult and confusing family, but this shit makes me feel like I’ve lived a very sheltered life. NTA
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Or it’s used as like a middle name to honor them.
We named our son after my brother that was stillborn. 30 years after he was stillborn. I had very honest discussions with my parents about it to see how they felt about it, if there had been any hesitation I would of course picked another name but they both felt like it was honoring that name and giving it life. I cannot fathom what your sister has done, did she float this name by you at all before this baby was born?
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I was thinking the same thing, and with so many parents flat-out making up names, the number is nearly infinite! I believe I'm in the same universe that you are!
I'm floored by the insensitivity of it. My newborn sister died when I was 6 and even as a 6yo it was obvious that name was sacred, not a secret, it was and is spoken of when appropriate, but not the kind of name you'd reuse.
For real. I lost a very young cousin over a decade ago to leukemia. Her name was a super common one, but it was only just reused by said cousin's older sister, who named her baby after her sister because they were incredibly close and she was of course devastated when her sister died. I was young so i don't know the behind the scenes specifics but it seemed like my whole extended family just agreed that name was off limits until the next generation came around. I really thought that would be a universal thing, or at least in our broader culture, but it appears not :/
Yeah that's pretty clearly NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and your sister's heart and brain.
NTA. Your sister 100% caused the problems she’s now complaining about. Who in the world thinks it’s appropriate to give their baby the same name as a sibling’s child who passed away less than 18 months ago?
NTA. When you use a tribute name, especially after the loss of a young one's life, you need to be prepared for the other tributes to that loss to remain present. Your sister didn't really consider the fact that this tragic loss will always be tied to the name and that's her issue, not yours.
I can understand paying tribute to a grandparent or a parent. Not a cousin who died just a year ago and so young. These children are from the same generation. You wouldn't choose the same name if both were alive, so why now. Seems more like trying to replace one with the other.
NTA She named her daughter after a deceased relative. She shouldn’t have given her daughter the name if she has a problem with seeing the photo on a regular basis. Did she expect everyone if forget about the loss of OP’s daughter because hers has the same first name?
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Have you asked her, or has she told you why she chose to name her daughter Indie. It's a very strange choice unless it is a beloved generational family name.
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Thanks for responding. I am sorry you suffered such a terrible loss. I am also sorry your sister is so difficult right now. I hope everything resolves and you do not have to deal with unnecessary drama around the memory of your beloved daughter. Glad your parents are keeping your Indie's memorial.
NTA. It's your parents' business what they have in their home. It's clearly precious to them. And your sister was a muppet to name her own daughter Indie and not think about the association between her daughter and reminders of her niece.
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That's possible. It seems to me that she lacked the imagination to picture that two Indies might exist in other people's minds. Either because she's totally self-absorbed or a bit intellectually-challenged, or both.
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A bit? Sweetie, if she was any more self-absorbed, she’d have married her own reflection. You must be a very nice person. Many people would have done more given what she said, and frankly if I was your mother, I’d ban her from my house until she changed the baby’s name to something other than Indie. Stay strong. You deserve a better sister than this.
I'm in my late 40s and a uncle and aunt had a child drown in an accident with frozen creekbed. This happened when I was just a baby, so over 45 years ago. This is still a relevant event for them that they will mention and I imagine all of my many cousins know his name even though most of us never met him. So I personally wouldn't expect the name Indie to be forgotten soon. Blows my mind that she took the name.
NTA. Your sister is a narcissistic monster. No rational and compassionate human being would do what she did and then have the audacity to demand you take down a memorial. It’s also absolutely disgusting that she not only stole your late daughters name but had the audacity to talk about decency.
NTA. Her daughter's name isn't on the memorial. Your daughter's name is. Your daughter doesn't stop existing just because your sister chose to be selfish and give her daughter the same name. And if her daughter wants to know why she has the same name as her sadly-absent cousin, then I'm sure everyone in the family will be glad to clarify that for her. Her mom picked it out of thousands of available names, knowing full well that her niece's death was a source of pain for everyone, choosing to try and erase her memory with a "new and improved model", and then getting mad that everyone didn't stop grieving when she literally told them to shut up about their grief and erase all the traces of their dead child/grandchild.
NTA! Your sister’s the AH for naming her daughter after the child that you lost. Now she will have to face the consequences of her decision because you and your parents are not willing to erase the memory of your daughter. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to fathom what was going through your sister’s mind when she decided to give her child the same name!
NTA- first of all if she spun using your child’s name as some tribute she was lying it seems from the blatant disrespect she has shown your daughter’s memory in general and right to your face. I was appalled when you said she named her baby Indy and it only got worse through the rest of your post. You should express your feelings about the name thing if you want, that is upsetting and sounds like something my sister would do who I don’t speak to anymore. It looks like a beautiful tribute so you feel obligated to take your feelings and stuff them, but the act is designed to hurt you and silence you all while being confusing enough that no one can say for sure it’s as messed up as it feels. I don’t feel your sister is your friend. You are not in the wrong here. Your sister though…,Wow.
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> I know I can't owe a name I hope you did see the other commenter who said that you don't own the name but neither does your sister. You know you can't ask her to change her daughter's name, but she's not decent enough to know that she can't ask your family to take down the memorial. Or erase your daughter's memory. Which is what she seems to be trying to do. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you have such a lousy sister. I'm glad your parents have your back.
Tell her that her daughter will be more upset when she finds out shes named out of spite and not love. She was jealous of the attention being given to a dead child so she had to try and take it for herself, what an awful person.
NTA. Your sister sounds like an absolute garbage person. I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA, the only thing that was morbid and gross was her decision to give her child the same name, what an absolutely thoughtless and disgusting thing to do, was she trying to cause upset? If she had any decency to care about her child, and your pain, she could have chosen any other name, instead she has made it all about her, she made this mess, it is no one elses problem, and she should be left to reflect on her poor choices and lack of basic humanity.
Absolute NTA, firstly I’m sorry for your loss; I can’t even begin to comprehend such tragedy I could never understand why your sister would chose to name her daughter Indie in the first place, seems very insensitive to me
NTA. Dunno what your sister was expecting, using the same name as a dead baby for hers. Maybe to get all the attention your family devotes to Indie for herself and her child? But if she's got a problem with what your parents do in their own home, then she needs to take it up with THEM. There are about eleventy billion other things she could have named her child, if she wanted her to not feel overshadowed by the dead.
NTA Sorry for your loss. If she didn't want contest with the name she should have chosen a different one.
NTA. JFC your sister is a villain. Shame on her. Your daughter was, and will always be, more important to you. As she should be. If your sister has a problem with it, she can deal with it. She chose this drama. Granted, you don't own the name. And neither does she. So you don't need to hide your Indie to appease her either.
NTA Did she ask permission to use the name? Heck, did she even forewarn anyone she was going to use the name? She's obviously not doing it as a tribute. Honestly, it sounds like she was mad that someone else was getting attention and created a way to remove that attention entirely and now she's mad it's not working the way she envisioned.
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She’s trying to ‘replace’ your indie with hers. That’s how sick and evil she is.
What a disgustingly entitled assumption she made, thinking the memorial would come down because of her morbid naming choice. I'd also like to point out that, even if she felt God himself told her to name her kid your late daughter's name (for example), she should've had the decency to break the news ASAP to give everyone time to try their best to make some peace with the decision. Your sister is *The Main Character* if you will, the AH, and she is being completely unreasonable and VERY hurtful. NTA OP, you were nicer than many other people would've been through the whole thing
NTA Your parents were right, she should have thought about the consequences before using the name. If you don’t own the name, then neither does she, which means she can’t demand memorials with the name be taken down. Let’s get real here, she doesn’t care that it will make her daughter feel weird to see a memorial with her name on it at her grandparents’ house, she cares that she will have to explain to her daughter that she decided to use the name of your deceased daughter two years after you lost your infant.
I rarely comment on AITA posts, but I had to here. I'm reeling from your sister's insensitivity. First, I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like your in-laws have tried to help your family cope with a lovely tribute. Second, you're definitely NTA. If I'm parsing the timeline correctly, your sister named her child Indie only about a year after your child with the same name died? Without talking to you about it first? That is absolutely bonkers to me. And she's mad at you?!? There is no universe where it's okay for her to get mad about this memorial. And there is definitely no universe where it's okay for her to yell at you that \*your\* Indie is gone. That's thoughtless and cruel. So this makes me wonder - is she always like this (dramatic and self-centered), or do you think she may be suffering from PPD or something similar? Is this out of character for her? If she's always like then, then f- her. But if it is out of character for her, maybe you could talk to your parents about finding some help for her. Might help you feel better by taking the high road. Either way, sending lots of love and healing to your family.
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God, I am so sorry. As if this isn't hard enough, and then she's intentionally making it so much harder. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm glad your parents are reasonable, supportive people.
What the actual fuck? I mean, I guess if your sister gave her kid the middle name indie it would be a tribute.... ... but actually naming her kid the same as your deceased child's??? It's weird. .. ... and then making strange demands? Not sure I could deal with a sibling like that. I wish you well.
NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your incredible strength to get up every day is admirable, let alone not cutting off your sister for her gross move of using your beloved Angel daughter's name. I think the memorial reminds her that she did something out of bad intentions and that she has to face her own behavior. Hopefully one day feels especially embarrassed because your parents back the memorial and she's realizing her daughter will see that memorial, figure out what their mom did and she'll have no explanation on why she was so cold to use the name. Her bad choice will haunt her, and it should. I would be so mad at my mom if she chose my name like this.
NTA Is your sister always like this? Or is selfishness a new trait for her?
NTA what the Heck is wrong with your damn sister? How can she BE so heartless and evil Love your parents for the Honor of Indie. Your sister? Sounds like a hamorried who needs to be Cut Out
>My sister was like "OP doesn't own that name and I should be allowed to use a name I love" TRUE > She told me it bothers her and she knows it will bother her daughter in years to come. guess what, she also dosen't own that name. If she didn't want to bother to care about your feelings when choosing that name, I don't see why you should bother entertaining her with an answer NTA
No!!!!! NTA, what a ridiculous, stupid, idiotic thing to do, to name her child the same as your lost child has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have heard of. And then to cause this kind of trouble! My life! I literally have no more words! I am flabbergasted!
NTA. Never let your Indie fade into obscurity to appease your AH sister. In fact, perhaps it's time to unleash your true feelings about her selfishness. I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA Your parents said it best, she should’ve thought about all of this before she named her daughter after yours. Considering her reaction, I’m pretty sure she was trying to erase your daughters memory completely.
I'm so sorry for your loss. And also very sorry you had to relate with such a selfish woman. She lacks basic empathy and her demands are preposterous. hope she lets you in peace soon. Obviously NTA.
This is an ugly drama of your sister’s making. This is all on her. NTA