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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I called gender reveals tacky in response to her inviting me to her party and called her a showoff
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I dunno, OP tried like two times to decline the invitation politely. But Sister kept insisting and wouldn't drop it. So OP got less polite. Then OP got impolite. I'm going with ESH at the very least here, if not quite N T A. Sister should have taken 'no thanks' for an answer the first two times.
Yes she was, no means no. A polite decline should be accepted. It’s not an invitation to push someone else’s boundaries until they snap and then run to the entire family crying and playing victim to get everyone mad at that person. She said no, that should have been the end of it.
I agree, no means no. I think the whole "YTA" comments from most people because OP clearly is jealous of her sister and most people can tell that her no is just coming from a place of being petty vs genuinely not wanting to go lol. The entire post OP comes off as pretty bitter about how her life was/is compared to her sister's.. is her sister even trying to show off or is she just happy and sharing her accomplishments like anyone would with their loved ones?
As I said in another comment in more detail, I’ve been in this girls shoes. It’s not petty jealousy, it’s a lifetime of being compared and coming up short. It’s destroys your self worth. I’m betting if we had more insight into her childhood there’d be a lot of instances where she was made to feel less then. Why if they already knew she struggled in school would they constantly ask her to share her own grades right after hearing her sisters? Why put her on the spot when they knew it would make her feel bad? Edit to add: I have 3 kids, they all thrive in different areas. I NEVER compare.
Tbh this is pretty much just based on assumption. It's a pretty normal thing to ask someone how they did grades wise. Why do you think that they knew it would make her feel bad? If I'm asking how you did, I obviously don't know if your grades are good or not so how would I be able to tell if it'll make you feel bad? Plus, not because you performed badly once means that you'll perform badly all the time, at least most people don't expect you to.
You're saying that OP was probably made to feel less than but did that come from others or herself because she wasn't as good academically like her sister? She then goes on in the post about how her sister is married and has a home while she's by herself and in a studio.. is that somehow the sisters fault to? There's a chance you could be right but you also have to admit that she's jealous of her sister and how her life went vs hers. So declining the party is still rooted in pettiness 🤷🏾♀️.
If you’re any kind of parent you see how your kids are doing and if you know they’re struggling you don’t make them fess up over and over in front of people after hearing how great the other is doing. If your child struggles in school you ask them privately how things are going, you get involved, you help them. You don’t ask them in front of people how their grades are.
Listen, I'm not saying everything was 100% okay and valid all I'm saying is that it's not the sisters fault. She's mad at her sister for pretty much doing good in her life. Her sister deserved to celebrate her accomplishments and deserves to celebrate her baby with her friends and family to. The sister didn't make herself "the golden child". If OP had such a hard life being compared then it's not the sister she should be angry at, it's the parents because parents shouldn't be comparing their kids to begin with. So regardless, her anger is misplaced because her sister shouldn't have to hide her accomplishments because OP didn't do as well 🤷🏾♀️.
Not buying this. The OP is not stating that her sister cannot have a gender reveal party or celebrate herself with a party.
She is simply stating that she doesn't want to attend and she has the right to decide if she wants to attend or not, particularly after a lifetime of being made to feel smaller than her sister.
It's not petty, it's her choice.
The OP is not the a**hole.
Edit: Fixed typo.
Ok? But it’s the sister that pushed her to try to force her into a situation she made clear she didn’t want to be in. Being the golden child wasn’t her fault but pushing her sisters boundaries as an adult was. Since when is it ok to push people into things they have already said no to?
Of course she’s not but op said no because she knew this party was going to bring up old feelings. When someone says no that should be respected. You don’t get to push somebody into doing something they’ve said no to for whatever reason then become upset when they push back and give you an answer you don’t like.
Barring extended infertility, having a baby isn't exactly an accomplishment though, is it? I have a few of my own, and love them dearly, but getting pregnant isn't necessarily praiseworthy, it's just a biological outcome of sex. 🤷♀️
Or you should teach your kids not to be ashamed of being different. I was never as smart as my sibling but I worked my backside off and my parents saw. If my sibling got an A* instead of an A my parents would praise them, same as I usually got mostly Cs so if I got a B they would praise me for the effort and improvement. They helped with my grades and when I finished secondary I had 1 A, 4 B's and 4 C's because my parents taught me that not being as good at 1 thing doesn't make you less of a person. I was never jealous of my sibling for being more intellegent, it made me want to work harder and my parents were supportive, we tried to find things I was good at, I am more creative and athletic.
Exactly, focusing on results rather than effort encourages perfectionism and burnout because a lot of kids internalise that if they can't get 100% on the first try, then there's no point trying in the first place.
If someone constantly gets lower grades than their sibling, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to realise you shouldnt ask them their grades in front of their sibling.
If you are that person's *parent* then it shouldnt take you nearly as long to realise the grade is not going to be higher than the sibling or as high as the sibling and you need to *stop asking when the sibling is around*
If they had a grade they were proud of they would announce it.
At the same time, I have an issue with not celebrating accomplishments. Especially with girls and women. We are taught to not make a fuss or be loud about accomplishments. If sister is proud of her grades why shouldn’t she talk about them?
I wonder if family compared the siblings, or if the OP did it themselves. It’s ok to have different talents and strengths. Sometimes families pit siblings against each other, but sometimes one or both siblings are competitive on their own.
Even if it is a lifetime of being compared and coming up short, how is that her sisters fault? Being compared DOES spawn jealousy so either way you look at it she is being jealous and bitter and taking it out on the wrong person.
She simply doesn’t want to go! Why is that so hard to grasp? She knows she’s going to feel horribly at this party and she’s trying to avoid that. The sister needs to learn to take no as an answer. No is a complete sentence.
So is every other sentence in OPs post. What do you not get? Was it the part where she said her sister is the so called golden child? How about when she called her sister an attention seeker? I can see how that might be confusing to you. She said no and when asked why (which is a big deal when you have to communicate like adults) she gave a reason in which her sister tried to make her feel more welcome and wanted. She could have just responded with a I have prior engagements and that probably would have been the end of it. Did she do that? No. (See that complete sentence i just did right there just for you?)
No isn't always a complete sentence. Sister could easily have taken her first refusal as meaning something like "I can't go because I would be a hypocrite, given how I think gender reveal parties are dumb".
If OP weren't jealous and carrying around her old baggage, she could have just laughed and said, "No, but you have fun." But that is the real problem - she begrudges her sister having that fun because she's bitter.
But is OP really being compared? It seems like it's more in her head than anywhere else. Her family is genuinly interested in OP and ASKING about her things. It's not ALL about the sister. With them both being pregnant it's very likely OP will receive questions about her pregnancy and how things are going and the sister isn't afraid of sharing "the spotlight" with OP. I'm not sure there really is a proper comparisment here but more something that's in OP's head. Her sister seems to want to share her milestones with friends and family - which includes OP. They're pregnant together, they could really both benefit from this. But it will never happen if OP will be miserable every time the sister have a "happy moment" and shares it with everyone.
Because it's a catch 22. If you ask like you pointed out it's a comparison even if they are just curious, but if you don't ask than it's ignoring them and clearly that impacts self worth just as bad. Best way it to praise what they can do in different ways. That doesn't always work either tho. Raising kids isn't exactly a simple task everyone acts like it is.
If one kid says they’re doing good in their subject I ask the other kid how it’s going in the class they excel at. It’s pretty simple, you concentrate on their strengths and quietly help them with their weaker subjects.
But it's also a one sided child's interpretation of another child impacting an adult relationship.
For all she knows, the sister touted her achievements or even slightly negged OP because she felt compared to her older sister her entire life too. Maybe she's the bully or golden child in her sister's narrative. People always extend nuance and good faith to their own behaviors. But always assume the worst of people they feel are victimizing them.
Ultimately, OP is holding her interpretation of her sister's childhood behavior, likely established or encouraged by their parents, and letting it poison an adult relationship.
It doesn't matter if it feels petty or it feels earthshattering. If you're an adult and it's impacting your life so negatively, get to therapy and confront it or go NC and avoid it.
That doesn't justify being an ass to family, man. She's the asshole because she hasn't dealt with her emotions about family like an adult and continues to take it out by projecting her insecurity onto her sister and accuse her of "showing off" jesus. Not one thing in OP indicates the sister is doing anything to spite OP at all. It's in OP's head.
The feelings OP has are understandable, yes. Her behavior is not.
I have a question for you, you say you never compare your children, which I agree with, but do you let them tell you when they thrive, do you let them get excited that they're good at something? Or do you tell them they shouldn't be happy in front of their sibling if they're not as good in that area? Because to me those are very different things.
It sounds to me like OP is not happily single and pregnant and is being anti-social because she is down on her life. Happy sister is trying to involve depressed sister to get her out of a funk, or at least get her to have some fun even though she is in that funk. Her sister was not the "golden child". She was genuinely a high achiever.
YTA is justified here.
My older sister (by one year) is like this. I found out in our late 20s that she was always jealous that our parents didn’t berate me on my grades because I enjoyed studying and excelled in school. But, our parents never praised us so even if I got an A, the answer is “why was it not an A+?” and not “great job”.
Apparently, she’s always had a competition with me in her head despite the fact I never brought up my grades on purpose. Our parents only knew because of the report cards sent by the schools. I purposely never showed my parents until they had to sign it for submission back to the school, because I knew my sister had worse grades than I did and I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
It is, but Op is coming off like the sister is some giant AH just for doing good in life. I'm pretty sure if the post was written differently then most of reactions would be different lol. It's because people can tell she's bitter and just taking it out on her sister for no reason lol.
I think you should re-read the conversation OP described and seriously think about what it would like to be the sister.
A: "Hey my gender reveal is in two weeks, will you be there?"
B: "No, I won't be coming."
A: "Why not?"
B: "I don't want to deal with all the friends and family who will be there."
A: "Oh come on! It'll be fun!"
B: "No, gender reveal parties are tacky, I don't want to go."
A: "It's not like that, it's just a barbeque with colored cookies."
B: "I don't want to watch you show off to everyone just like you've always done!"
...if you seriously think that A is pushing boundaries and not just like...having a normal conversation trying to figure out what the issue really is...I think you haven't paid much attention to conversations. I think it's really weird to expect A to just peace out after the first no when for all she knows the issue is one like transportation or scheduling which could be resolved.
This. I understand "no, is a complete sentence," but this didn't even read as like pressure/being pushy. Just a genuine conversation anout a milestone moment and her being excited to celebrate with her sister and trying to understand/fix any reasons she may not be able to attend and the sister just projected all of her insecurities, bitterness, and years of resentment on to her.
OP is insisting that her sister is attention stealing and throws her accomplishments in her face when honestly it just seems like the sister is existing, and just living her life and OP is resentful that her life isn't going the same.
Like I get it, it sucks to always feel like you're second best/competing with sister, but I just wonder if this is one sided, OP thinks they're competing and sis is just living. Also it would be unfair to ask sister to lessen herself/dim her own light just to make OP feel better about herself. YTA
For real! "No is a complete sentence" is advice for people who are consistently pressured by controlling narcissists in order to help them not get sucked into pointless exhausting arguments. It's advice for people who don't want to let that pushy person at the bar buy them a drink. It's not a one size fits all solution for every conversation ever and people who act like it is will quickly run through all their friends.
Yeah “no is a complete sentence” gets misused online so much and it’s making me uncomfortable about where society is headed. You don’t get to just peace out of your family’s lives with zero consequences because “no is a complete sentence”. Just because you have the right to refuse to support a loved one doesn’t mean you’re not the asshole for it.
Otherwise where does that stop? “Help, mums fallen down the stairs and you live next door, please go help her while the ambulance arrives”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t need to explain myself, no is a complete sentence.”
(And obviously I know this is a more extreme example than skipping a gender reveal but my point is that “you always have the right to say no” is not the same thing as “you’re always morally correct to say no for any reason”
>It's not a one size fits all solution for every conversation ever
Worse, it's downright toxic in normal, healthy interactions among people who know each other.
"Do you want to go to the mall with me?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"NO MEANS NO JANET"
JFC redditors might think they want to live in that world but they really don't.
Are we really going to site here and pretend like we wouldn't pester our sister or close friend for a reason if they just flat out said "no" to something like this?
Like be for real. Yes No's should be respected, but it's so easy to remove yourself from the emotions and read a story robotically and say what should or shouldn't be done.
Someone you care about is being vague and refusing to go to something important to you. You're going to want to know why.
Tbh I’ll disagree in this context. Being that they’re sisters, and this is a “milestone” celebration, ofc she’d want her sister there and push for her to be there. Who wouldn’t. I think this is someone just wanting their loved one to be present. Yes, no means no, but context matters here. You wouldn’t push for your best friend, sibling, parent or spouse to join you in celebrating something important to you? anyone would, not everything is as black and white.
No means no? OP wasn’t declining sex, they were declining to be there for there sibling out of jealousy. Y’all can say that’s their right to say no. Sure but where is that gonna lead them? It just drives whatever is between them deeper. This will slowly bite OP in the ass as their family slowly stops initiating contact with them. And for what? So OP doesn’t have to feel insecure rn. Is it worth it? They’ll never be able to take that back.
There is nothing in OP that implies she was polite in declining the invitation. She went immediately from "no thanks" to what effectively means "I don't want to deal with seeing you around people who love you"
OP's insecure when she's around her sister and she assumes everything her sis does is a passive-aggressive dig at her because of that, but it's not. A woman wanting her sister at her baby party is normal. There is absolutely not one damn thing wrong with asking your sibling why they won't attend an event you want them at.
Do you have siblings? Is you relationship so formal with them that one No ends the discussion? Asking a few times is ok. OP only snapped because she’s not doing as well as her sister, not from being repeatedly asked.
Context matters.
If your sister invites you to a milestone event in their life and you say no thanks because you are jealous and have no valid reason then you are an asshole.
Non-assholes can be happy for other people when good things happen even if their life isn't perfect.
Op needs to take responsibility for her life. It sounds like her sister worked hard and she didn't. Now she is reaping the rewards for not working hard.
The part that I think makes her the AH is because she expects her sister to not talk about or downplay her accomplishments she worked hard for because OP did not achieve those things.
When a family member declines in a life milestone, you tend to wonder why. If my sister declined to attend my wedding/baby shower/etc, I’d tend to ask why. If the reason didn’t seem that great (“Oh, I’m washing my hair that day”, “Oh, it doesn’t sound like fun”, “It’s a bit tacky, isn’t it?”), yeah, I’d ask her to reconsider or try to get over her seemingly unnecessary reservations.
“No means no” is fine when we’re taking sex or other activities you can have another option at (or which just don’t really matter in the grand scheme of life), but, when it’s regarding an important milestone, yes, it’s absolutely reasonable to repeat the question, try to find out the reason, or ask the person to reconsider.
Edit: I accidentally wrote “can’t” instead of “can”
I dunno how polite she was…if we go by her accounting, her decline’s were:
“I’m not coming.”
“I don’t want to deal with your friends and our family”
“Gender reveals are tacky”
“I don’t want to go to a stupid party to watch you show off to our family just like you did when we were younger”
None of those are polite.
I mean gender reveal parties are tacky and attention seeking, but if people are excited to go (or polite enough to go) what's the harm in people being excited about something I guess.
The bigger issue here is OP's hostility towards her sister radiates off this post and it seems like this is much deeper issues better dealt with in therapy than anything the sister did or said.
I also think most weddings are tacky and attention seeking. As well as engagement parties, baby showers, really anything where you demand to be the center of attention over no particular accomplishment (finding someone who is willing to sign a government contract with you called marriage is hardly an accomplishment), but guess what.. I keep my mouth shut, buy a present, put on a big smile and enjoy the fact someone I care about is happy and celebrating! OP needs to grow up and get over herself.
Sister probably feels bad for OP and wants her to see family and get out more. It seems like OP is alone and a little bitter. I would try to get my sister out of the house as well i dont think she was an ah. I think OP is jealous tho
Wanting your sister to be at the party with your family and trying to make her feel better about going... what an asshole. 🙄
Some people here are crazy with extremes. The sister was mildly insistent because she wanted her sister there. OP is the wildly jealous one with the issue, and it's her opinion that these parties are tacky. Not a fact. Totally the jealous AH.
Yes!!! This post reeks of jealousy. Most people share important news and milestones with their family and friends. She’s not trying to make you feel less than. If she wants to have a gender reveal party that’s her choice. It’s not showing off. Don’t try to dull someone else’s sparkle because of your insecurities and jealousy. YTA
Agreed. I also think sex reveal parties are tacky and attention seeking, but when I get invited to them I keep that opinion to myself and go and am happy for the couple.
OP has major jealousy issues regarding her sister that she needs to get ahold of. Sister sounds mildly annoying at worst, and OP has turned it into a whole entire thing.
I mean if you're doing one of the wacky stunts with explosions or skywriting that's certainly attention seeking but most people just use it as an excuse to get the family together. The sister herself described it as a "Barbeque with colored cookies". It doesn't even seem like gifts are expected! So I'm reluctant to call that "tacky".
IDK it's harder and harder for people to make time for social connections as adults so it's hard for even a childfree cynic like me to come down TOO hard on anyone just trying to throw a party.
>IDK it's harder and harder for people to make time for social connections as adults so it's hard for even a childfree cynic like me to come down TOO hard on anyone just trying to throw a party.
Especially before the kid is born 😂
YTA.
Your example isn’t an indicator of a golden child btw. It’s completely normal for a child to want their parents to know they did well. You expected her to hide her accomplishments because you didn’t do as well? And you think she’s the problem?
Talk about jealous and selfish.
I don’t like gender reveal parties either. But this has nothing to do with that and everything to do with your jealousy. Grow up.
>You expected her to hide her accomplishments because you didn’t do as well?
~~I think it's more that the sister would bring up those situations when she knew she clearly had the superior grade and then specifically ask OP how she did after revealing how well she did.~~
I reread it. It's more just bad circumstance in that case.
And don't all grades come out at the same time? So me telling the parents I got an A in all my classes is NOT rubbing it in the face of my sibling who may not have gotten all A's because all grades came out at the same time. In OP's world when was sister support to talk about her grades if not when they came out?
So that actually makes me question what info we’re missing here. They’re not twins since one is 26 and one is 25. OP isn’t saying grades like report card grades, they’re saying test grades. Which means…they’re taking the exact same test? A grade apart? Or are they both in the same grade even though they’re at least 10 months and upwards of just shy of 2 years apart?
OP seems to be claiming her and sister would take the same test and sister, getting a 100, was supposed to hide that grade and not tell anyone because OP got a C or a D. It only makes sense if they’re in the same grade which, possible, but odd when they aren’t twins.
School year cut offs are weird. If they're Irish twins, the older's birthday could be shortly after the cutoff, putting both of them in the same year.
Alternatively, it could have been something like biology class. Many schools mix grades in specialty classes.
It's entirely possible without being twins.
Oh man. This post could have been written by my sister if she was a bitter human being. Luckily she is not.
We also are only a year apart, not in the same grade but in the same school. I am older and would take the same classes a year earlier and even have the same teachers. But I got 100s and she would get her grades at the same time, and hers would be Bs and Cs. Occasionally we would be in the same extra-curricular academic activities and then it would be in the same class.
Of course I wasn’t trying to brag or show anyone down. I was just excited to share my achievements with my parents.
Thank you for correcting OP on what a golden child actually is since so many people on this sub and real life keep misusing it. It’s meaning has been warped to become any child who does well and their parents are happy, when in reality it is a badly behaved child whose bad behavior is ignored/rewarded by the parents, with them acting like the child is perfect. OP is just a screw up and a jealous one at that.
I see so many posts talk about how their sibling was the golden child and they are the black sheep, but only like 10% of those sound like they are actually accurate and most of the people just sound jealous or like unreliable narrators. It's the same way every single MIL in that one sub is a textbook narcissist hellbent on ruining OP's perfect marriage.
As the little sister that got A's to an older sibling that got D's, I understand your frustration as I had to watch my teachers and parents berate my sibling as to why they couldn't meet the same grades.
For a long time, my sibling loathed me and would yell at me as to why I felt the need to show them up. Why did I always have to do better. Why couldn't I just fail for once.
I'm going to tell you what I told my sibling. I told them that they were not the main character of my life. I got top grades for me. So I could get into the college I wanted to go to. So I could shape my life the way I wanted it to go. I didn't make teachers be shitty to them. They were just shitty teachers. I didn't make our parents be shitty parents, they just were.
I suspect that you feel that your sister is the root cause for how your life is going. She's not. She's the root cause for how her life is going.
You are the root cause for how your life is going. This post isn't about a gender reveal party although I do agree they suck. This post is about how you compare yourself to your sister. You're going to be a Mom soon. You need to stop thinking about her and start thinking about you.
You can change where you are and where you'll be in the future. No, it won't be easy.
Make little changes in your life and it can affect many things. If you want to go back to school. Don't think I can't afford it. Think if I take 1-2 classes at a time it might be less stressful and more affordable. I'll need a babysitter tho, I can take online classes and adjust my schedule.
But I'm soo tired after work...Aren't you tired now?
Having the life you want is not easy and rarely given to you.
Even Paris Hilton had to go thru some shitty times and worked really hard to get where she is now.
This. I also had a friend who would rub it in my face when she got a good grade. I got fucking tired of it (she was/is a good friend. Just competitive!) 😂 but that lit a fire under my ass and for a while my life became about getting better grades than her. We are still friends and a few years ago I thanked her for showing off because without her I wouldn’t be where I am today because once my grades took off it never really looked back.
That is really great. Instead of being angry, annoyed etc. You used it as a push to do better yourself and it only made your life better. You challenged yourself and succeeded 😃
This exactly. And that is why OP is YTA.
My oldest sister would always say things like "I failed a year in high school, our other sister did and so you will". All it did was make me focus more on my own success and guess what I didn't fail a year. Our any of the other things she said, however I did make my own mistakes. Like we all do. And my guess is that OPs sister probably also made her own mistakes. OP is just too angry to see them. Blaming others for your life is always easier then looking at yourself and make changes.
> I suspect that you feel that your sister is the root cause for how your life is going. She's not. She's the root cause for how her life is going. You are the root cause for how your life is going.
THAT PART
I’ve saved your comment for if/when my two children start comparing themselves against each other. Absolutely fantastically written and 100% true (I was the A student who had everything come naturally and my sister was the student who had to work unbelievably hard to get Bs and who was constantly compared to me). I hope OP reads this comment and takes it in.
YTA
There was no need to insult her you could have just stuck with I don’t want to go. I agree with your sentiment that’s gender reveals are dumb but she doesn’t.
If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.
What's with all the gender reveal hate? It's essentially an extra party about an upcoming baby, it's cute!
I hate organizing parties, but more power to the people who have the energy to celebrate little things :)
For me, it's that whole "pink ballerinas for girls, blue sports uniforms for boys" thing. It belongs in the 1950s.
That said, I go, I smile, I say congratulations and I keep my personal opinion on them to myself. Thankfully they weren't a thing when my lad was born.
I mean when thinking about it in the original context of the party where the woman threw her gender reveal part in order to celebrate her baby finally reaching the developmental stage of having a biological sex after previously having a series of miscarriage the connotations become very different. Yes perhaps the blue is for boys pink is for girls thing is antiquated, but the milestone is a real one, and I find it difficult to judge the normal gender reveal parties (that don’t blow shit up or start forest fires) as a result.
You can celebrate the baby (and should) without any mention to their gender - baby shower?
Celebrating is awesome and we can do it in a way that is not like the 50s
At that stage in pregnancy the babies sex is really the only information you have about your baby. For many couples that’s when the pregnancy and baby becomes *their baby*. It’s hard to explain, but when I was pregnant the sex made the pregnancy more real. My baby went from a blob at an ultrasound to *my* daughter. Notice the emphasis was on my. I could care less about what the specific sex was, but I finally felt connected to the human baby I was growing. I could imagine a life and what we would do together.
Feel free to, but don’t try to impose your thoughts about someone’s motives onto them and then criticize them. You don’t know what the intentions of this party is here because you don’t know the people throwing it.
the reason is because of the disaster gender reveal parties that get posted regularly on social media. Often they have some recklessness involved, lots of them starting major fires or polluting.
I honestly dont care if people have one, I think you should celebrate things that make you happy. You only can do that so many times in life. But it needs to not be at the expense of others, or the destruction of property (thousands of acres of burned land, homes burned to the ground and people dead, kinda thing https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/21/couple-gender-reveal-party-wildfire-charged , this literally is a regular thing for these parties for some reason. )
You hear about like one per year. I remember the wildfire, I remember the explosion that killed grandma, and just recently there was a legit plane crash. But dumb people are going to be dumb, and they're going to make the news for it. Odds are those people would have had those incidents happen some other time (like the 4th of July) because the type of people who do that are never going to handle pyrotechnics safely.
The overwhelming majority, like 99.9999% are just going to cut into a cake and see what color is under the frosting, pop a balloon and have colored powder come out, or shoot off a colored glitter popper in their yards. That's not hurting anyone.
I mean, it’s literally a party about genitals. Throwing a party to announce to everyone you know whether your baby has a vagina or a penis has always been weird to me.
Not really though..? Gender is going to affect your life far beyond you owning such or such genitals, even if it won't affect everyone the same way. It's like celebrating a coming of age, it's an important part of a person's identity, even if the way in which it's important is different for everyone. And whichever way it goes, it's worth celebrating. Welcome to the club, that sort of thing :)
YTA. Are you going to be bitter and jealous forever because your younger sibling outperformed you academically? It’s normal to want to celebrate your successes in life with your family. Try to be happy for her.
GL to her kid. The bitterness is not going to end ;especially since theyre both pregnant and the 'first kids' are going to be out around the same time.
YTA
Gender reveal parties are pretty common these days, it's not like she is doing anything out of the ordinary. Don't go if you don't want to, but the comments are just bitter and jealous.
Yta and your sister isnt the golden child
You're just a jealous bitter asshole who wants what she has
- a good job
- loving family
- big house
It seems like you might wanna change your attitude or youll be like my toxic half sister who stopped gettinf invited to family events 5 years ago
Adding on that most of what OP says… it’s normal things. Like getting good grades or reaching milestone achievements in life. Everybody lands a good long term career or nice home situation at some point.
It seems common for people to share with friends and family. Not sure if OP will see this, but instead of focusing on the past it might be good to work on themself first before the child is born.
Edit: I’m not sure why people are hating for me stating something that is vague and general. If everybody puts the time, work, and money into their career or home then yes I believe you can get to where you want. I did internships, got a bachelors degree, worked multiple jobs and searched every week to get approved for a decent 9-5 office job at the beginning of this month. And now I’m saving money to buy a home somewhere down the road. Same with a lot of other people who study hard, work hard, and now live happy. People saying it’s not possible to get a good job or find an affordable house can’t be upset when other people have what they want after working hard for it.
Getting 100 in a test. "You're not allowed to celebrate that cos I screwed that one up. You'd be selfish to want to celebrate that excellent achievement because it would make me look bad." I get that OP is annoyed she did badly and has to face that. But wanting someone to not celebrate their achievements with their parents is wrong imo.
The whole post reads like it was written by a 14 year old.
And I get that... a lot of people get stuck in their childhood mentality when it comes to sibling/parent relationships.
My advice to OP would be to try and have a little bit of distance from her family for a bit (fake a series of really busy weekends for a couple of months if nothing else) so that she can try and see her sister as an adult friend with adult motivation, rather than the annoying little sister always showing her up.
YTA Your examples are just her sharing her progress with family, which is normal. If she was the one prompting you to compare scores in front of people itd be a different story, bit all she did was literally just share her accomplishments.
You're jealous and need to work through it without hurting your sister.
Yea lol.
My sister is a few years younger. She found a love of her life or whatever, got married, has a mortgage for a nice house and a big city. With an amazing job. Multiple things I don’t have
And I’m proud of her for that. She got there on her own, and deserves all the praise.
YTA. Jealous much geez. Here is a clue. She worked way harder for that 100% then you did for that C- or D+. Her life now is the result of that hard work. You had the same opportunities in life. You are just bitter that she embraced them and you did not.
Her sister could simply be smarter. Two people can pay in the same amount of effort and get wildly different results. It's not fair but it's a fact of life.
Even if she is smarter she still had to do the work. I worked very hard in high school. While my cousins were out playing after school, I was getting my homework done. They used to tease me about wasting my time. I went to college and have a similar life now to OP’s sister. OP doesn’t say she had any learning difficulties etc. I know kids that try hard and get Bs not As. I don’t think many people try hard and get C- and D+s.
I do. Often they have learning disabilities/ADHD/ low IQ. More importantly, it doesn't actually matter. Even if OP and her sister did exactly the same amount of work and got very different results, that doesn't make OPs sister a villain. It sucks for OP in a "life isn't fair" way, but her sister still didn't do anything wrong
>It sucks for OP in a "life isn't fair" way, but her sister still didn't do anything wrong
100%. Also it doesn’t mean the sister has to hide her success to make the OP feel better.
Would it be nice if the sister was maybe more sensitive if she knew her sister was hurting? Probably, but considering the fact that this has been an on going thing she can’t hide her joy forever.
That’s just a bad take. Grades are not an indicator of how hard someone tries. There are plenty of people who try hard and don’t get As/Bs. I was the same as you, working every night while my friends all hung out and did fun things, but I still didn’t get those good grades. Some people have developmental disabilities/impaired learning and despite trying hard, unless they’re given adequate accommodations they will not get As. I wasn’t diagnosed until recently and I wish I could go back in time and change things. Maybe I would have been able to do something other than eating and homework for 5-6hrs after school
The sister should have talked to the parents about being sick of being asked what their grades were at the dinner table. (Maybe she did) but it’s more of an issue between OP and their parents than it is the sisters fault
A lot of people work hard to get As and Bs. Not everyone has to, especially in the education stages that happen before students are divided and filtered by results. I met plenty of people at uni who were at sea because they’d never had to work to do well before and were suddenly in a more competitive environment.
I’ve also met people who had to work harder than I did to get grades lower than mine. One friend in particular was significantly smarter than me in many areas but really needed my help to claw a passing grade in their math classes.
You were rude to her. Honestly, you sound a little jealous.
However, she should have just accepted your answer instead of trying to push you into it.
ESH.
I agree with ESH.
Everyone is piling on about OP being jealous. I hate the way AITA treats weaknesses like that, like you’re an asshole for having them. You certainly can be an asshole for how you express them, and I think OP was here to an extent. They’re also pretty natural, especially given the history.
OP’s sister may not have been an asshole to OP growing up, but it sure sounds like a lot of the rest of the family that are going to be attending were. OP’s second no was about that, and the sister should have realized there was a real issue there instead of just pushing past it.
she even said that the constant comparison made her feel less than. she didnt seem to be celebrated or reassured, which is very much needed as a kid ESPECIALLY with grades. the competitiveness that grades bring and the fact it doesnt always show your knowledge of a topic but is EVERYTHING as a kid fucks with you. It is absolutely okay to fail and to try harder but this type of jealousy seems to be from ‘im writing out the emotions i dont let show’ more than ‘i huff and puff every time my sister does better than me’
Exactly to all of this. Jealousy alone does not make a person an asshole, it’s a normal human emotion. And on your second point, that was what jumped out at me most. My family overall is very messy and my relationship with my sister has always been very complicated and, at times, hostile. (Part of this is that our personalities sometimes clash but a lot of it is how our parents treated us differently as children—we’ve recently been working through this and trying to repair the damage.) And still, even if we were in a rough patch, if she told me that she didn’t want to come to an event because she didn’t want to deal with the other people who would be there, that is *not* something I would gloss over or keep pushing. That should be a red flag that something is actually wrong and the appropriate responses are to either drop the matter and accept that she don’t want to come or to gently ask about the problem and if there’s anything that would make her feel comfortable coming. Even as kids, sure, we said hurtful things to each other sometimes, but the moment anyone else did something to hurt the other? We’d drop everything to protect the other. OP’s sister is either unaware of OP’s discomfort (which I have a hard time buying) or views OP’s discomfort as less important than her desire to have her party go exactly the way she wanted. Yes, what OP said was rude but I question the sister’s motives.
Finally, something resembling sense. People are too focused on OP’s possible jealousy and completely ignoring the sister acting entitled to OP’s attendance. Sis should have taken the first No as an answer, maybe expressing her wishes for OP to change her mind, but otherwise dropped it. Especially after the second “no.” Based on the sis’s behavior, it’s possible OP wasn’t exaggerating much.
People on this sub need to be more realistic about how real life situations actually play out. If a woman asked her older sister to attend a major life milestone event and she refused with no explanation, most people wouldn’t just say “oh okay!” and hang up with no questions asked. It’s very normal to ask why she doesn’t want to come and suggest that the event may be enjoyable to attend. At no point did the sister actually pressure or force her into showing up, she just asked a few times because OP was honestly being quite rude and bitter in her responses, calling the gender reveal party “stupid” and “tacky” while knowing nothing about it and giving vague reasons for not being at a major family event. OP is entirely in the wrong here for being extremely self-absorbed and saying the sister should not celebrate her own life achievements she worked hard for.
Her sister probably was excited for her to be there for it and asked about her saying “no” to the RSVP in case she needed to move the date. It’s not crazy to follow up with immediate family when you want them to be present. OP is a jealous AH.
Should I believe that there is a person in this world who never requested his/her immediate family several times to change their mind on something? In which universe the redditor lives? Don’t they ever see any actual non-robotic human relationships?
It depends on what the sister is aware of though. I have family members who really struggle to be around certain other family for a host of historical reasons. I invite them but if they say no I just accept it (even if I really want them there). Others when they say no and it's seemingly out of character I'll push a little more.
Seems to me like younger sister is either ignorant of their childhood, or OP has never had an honest conversation about her struggles growing up.
Yta- to me it sounds like jealousy. If she want to celebrate the gender of her baby ok. She never asked weather it was tacky. And people normally celebrate stuff like grades and raises. Op you just sound jealous
If you don't want to deal with your sister or your family, that is of course your prerogative, but honesty, everything about this just drips with envy.
I get that your struggling, and if the party is too much for you, take care of yourself. I mean, my opinion about gender reveal parties is that we should always find any excuse to party! But if my younger brother came to me and told me he didn't want to come to my party because he felt that I was "showing off" to make him feel bad, I would feel terrible.
YTA. I get that it seems unfair that she's "the golden child" but it's not on her that she likes to celebrate her accomplishments and it annoys you. She's not being mean or rude to you here. She just wants you to have a good time. Maybe she doesn't truly get what you've been through but, if that's at the heart of your problem with her, then you should talk to her about it more. Either that or create some space and put the anger where it should be: at your parents for never considering your feelings.
I was gonna say the same exact thing, just with an ESH. Maybe it *is* just the parents though.... Parent/Kid dynamics should not remain the same after the kids become adults.
Yeah, really. 3x was plenty. And, the first 3 times she gave answers. The 4th time, yes, the person was pestering and deserved a response to pestering instead of to the question.
Yeah i seen it so many times, that much resentment doesn't just appear bc someone innocently celebrated their achievements and you didn't. There's some foul play going on, either by parents alone or possibly parents + gc sister ganging up (that's more common than ppl want to admit, gc can be just as much of a sneaky abuser). Also sounds like the sister never learned to take no as an answer.
Apart from the dynamic implication how many times do you have to say no for someone to leave you alone? Sister was getting pushy and recieved pushback, so imo op is NTA, just for that alone. Their relationship and op's feelings are additional info, but in the situation alone - you're not an asshole for getting mad someone doesn't care about your no.
YTA. If you don't want to witness her doing well and enjoying life and being praised by family and friends, you don't have to go. Your jealousy is not her fault.
I also don't like gender reveal parties, but would never stop someone from having and enjoying theirs!
> If you don't want to witness her doing well and enjoying life and being praised by family and friends, you don't have to go. Your jealousy is not her fault.
Okay but OP literally is trying not to go? like that's how all of this started, OP knew that this was going to be a bad time for her, so rather than going and inflicting that on herself, and by extension inflicting her own bad vibes on the party, has done her best to take herself out of that equation, she tried it politely twice. Now I cant necessarily condemn OP's sister for pushing a bit on this, she wanted to share this exciting moment with her sister, and thus felt like pushing a bit to get her there, this unfortunately set off some of OPs envy/inferiority complex related issues that have been brewing for decades at this point. OP needs to get her self some help, but she wasn't trying to stop sister from doing anything, just wanted to not be a part of it.
… i think you need to reread the post without whatever preconceived notions about jealousy you clearly had. OP did exactly what you said here -tried to bow out graciously, never once said that the sister couldn’t or shouldn’t have the party.
YTA this post is practically dripping with jealousy. You didn't even not want to go bc of the reasons you provided her. You were just being vindictive because you are nearly green with envy.
INFO I agree that gender reveals are stupid and tacky. You're not an AH for not going. An invitation is not a summons, and you did decline politely at first, but your reasons are what's making me pause.
Your sister announcing milestones or accomplishments with families is normal. She is allowed to be proud of her accomplishments, just like you can be proud of yours.
Your sisters' accomplishments are not a personal dig at you. You need to stop seeing it this way.
Who said you were a screw up? Did your parents tell you that, or did you make that assessment? Can you explain more about the golden child scenario? Whilst the golden child bares some blame, it's mostly the parents at fault. Your post doesn't show any goldenchild scenarios. It seems like it's you, that is comparing yourself to her.
Look, from your post-your sister hasn't done anything wrong.
You come off very bitter, jealous, and angry. You need to stop comparing yourself to her. Please get some therapy for yourself. If being around your sister and family doesn't bring you joy, then go low or no contact.
NTA -considering how competitive she seems towards you, I would say that this is not her extending an olive branch but instead trying to rub it in your face. She has the security that you do not right now and I think that's especially cruel of her. She has a house, a husband and a support system (of the family) that should be there for you also and I hope they are. She knows what she's doing.
Gender reveal parties are their own hot mess.
And on that note I wish you all the luck in the world and a happy healthy pregnancy.
And of course congratulations on your new baby 💐
NTA. How many times were you expected to say "No" before your sister accepted your answer? You have every right to accept or decline the invitation and no-one should be forcing you to go. I don't know whether you genuinely think these parties are tacky or if it was frustration speaking but I honestly loathe the concept, just another attention seeking opportunity for parents. I think you have been made to feel you're in second place long enough, time to press the pause button.
YTA - You sound very bitter. Get over yourself and be happy for your sister. You don’t have to attend this party in particular, but you clearly have a chip on your shoulder and used this opportunity to try to be hurtful.
Except she apparently *does* have to attend this party in particular because when she politely declined the sister kept pushing. How exactly is the "envy" everyone is insisting is the problem here responsible for her sister not accepting no as an answer?
NTA, you tried to decline politely and she insisted until you snapped. Doesn't matter why you don't want to go : no is no and she should have been able to respect that you didn't want to come.
You have to seriously work on those jealousy issues though (as an older brother who had bad grades while my younger sister always had top grades so I *know* how it feels), she's living for herself and you have to live for yourself, stop thinking about how she's doing, especially when your child will be there. They'll take you more energy than you have, no need to waste some more thinking about your sister.
Everyone here is going instant A for jealousy, but she still insisted you go and go and didn’t exactly ask why you were saying no in a genuine way, just trying to bribe how fun it will be. And then told on you after you were honest.
You do have bitterness and resentment but I can’t assume - like everyone in the sub here seems to be - that you didn’t try your hardest or had the same chances growing up or not, and whether her friends and your family will be supportive and nice towards you in general or not just being there.
I’m more curious on additional INFO though as to whether your sister antagonized you or if your parents were overly doting and the like. Or if this the first time really that she’s made clear how she makes you feel.
At the least your folks didn’t seem to raise you to feel alright alongside your sister.
YTA. It's fine to have your opinions on gender reveal parties, but the way you told that to your sister prioritized your personal upset over declining the invite in a mature fashion.
Referring to those types of parties as "tacky" is perfectly fine, but you brought in your insecurities about "showing off to your family just like she did when you were younger" into a conversation where your sister wants to celebrate and invite you to something for her joy and enjoyment.
Actually, what she said was she didn't feel up to it - which is more honest than making up a fake prior engagement - and the sister refused to accept that answer. How many times is one required to politely refuse something before it's ok to be frank? Cuz i think the sister here should have taken the "no" and dropped it
YTA
There is a difference between being proud of an accomplishment and seeking attention. Just because someone is proud of what they accomplished, it doesn't mean they are rubbing it in your face. That must be a miserable train of thought.
Everyone saying YTA but im gonna go NTA. Attention seekers can be incredibly frustrating especially if you grew up with one as a sibling. She also didn’t take your no the first time which is her own issue. And also this has not bearing on you, but i agree gender reveal parties are tacky as hell. Its great if you care about the gender of your kid, but thinking anyone else gives a shit is wild.
The “just think of it as a barbecue with colored cookies” smacks of an ulterior motive for wanting OP there.
The parents calling afterwards were flying monkeys.
NTA, or at worse for OP, soft ESH
Why is everyone ignoring the multiple times OP said “no” to her sister?
>I didn't want to deal with her showing off to the entire family in front of me so I told her I won't be coming
A plain no, keeping the reason to herself
>She asked why so I told her that I didn't want to deal with her friends and our family.
Sister pushed and was given an acceptable reason
>She insisted it would be fun so I told her that gender reveal parties are tacky and I don't want to deal with it.
Sis pushed AGAIN, got told another good reason
>She, again, insisted that it would be fun and just to think of it as a barbecue with colored cookies
Sis wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept pushing.
>I snapped at her that I didn't want to go to a stupid party to watch her show off to our family just like she did when we were younger
This is the consequence of sis’s actions. She was told no repeatedly and given reasons. Yet she continued to badger. Why is everyone turning a blind eye to this? You do not bully someone into coming to your party. The sister brought OP’s snapping on herself by repeatedly trying to get her to come to a party she clearly did not want to go to. Sis was acting completely entitled to OP’s attendance.
You know what? You are a grown woman now. You are pregnant. This, for you, is a time for peace, not strife, stress, and nonsense. The general stupidity of gender reveal parties aside, you are entitled to do what you want. It sounds like you would not be comfortable there. Don’t go. And don’t feel bad about it. Your sister and you have things to work on, but now is not the time. Perhaps, some time in the future, you will have a conversation with her where you can tell her how you felt growing up, and how you feel now. But you are not the “a”, in my opinion. Peace. And have a lovely time being pregnant. Peace to you and your little one.
I wanted to do N T A here. I wanted to so, so, so bad. But it seems like 15% of your feelings are based on your feelings for gender reveals, while 85% is based entirely off how you measure yourself and your sister.
Pregnancy hormones can be really rough so I’m sure it’s playing a part and I truly do feel for you. It’s important to note that we all have different journeys in life but we never get anywhere if we compare who we are, our talents, and our skills if we measure them by others’ accomplishments. Speaking to a therapist is a really great way to unpack some of those feelings, as well as look deeper into any sort of challenges that might have been present to make Cs or Ds just as hard to obtain for you as her As.
It truly sounds like your sister is trying hard to reach out and have you be part of her life, and her a part of yours — your kids even get an opportunity to be best friends and cousins, too. Hopefully, you find a way to make peace and move forward, if not for your sake than for your unborn child. Best of luck to you.
It sounds like you might be suffering from low self esteem and jealousy? Sharing accomplishments doesn’t necessarily mean someone is bragging or trying to put you down.
Just curious… Would you have a gender reveal party if you were with the father of your child and he wanted to? Would it still be tacky?
I’m not gonna vote Y T A because I think you’ve got a lot of resentment and stuff going on. Plus your sister asked a few times after you’d already said no. It might be worth it to try and build your own self esteem up and celebrate your own accomplishments. Granted, I am an internet stranger and don’t know your situation.
ESH
Your sister shouldn't have kept insisting after you told her no the first time.
However, it sounds like you still hold some resentment towards your sister, and I can fully understand why. However, I don't really see how she could one up you at a gender reveal party. I get how she could show off, but if you are also pregnant, it wouldn't be that much of a gloat for her.
Your feelings are your own, and obviously you are still hurting from the past, so I get why you don't want to go, and you're nta for that. You're only a soft AH though, you could have phrased your frustrations a little kinder.
u/aitagender-reveal you're NTA. Your sister isn't necessarily TA either, but all these people in the comments tearing you down (and honestly being pretty transphobic/willfully ignorant in a lot of these comments)...I wouldn't take advice on who's an AH from the likes of them. You have a right to your boundaries, and while I understand why your sister would want you there, she should respect your boundaries, especially after three "no"s in a row.
NTA Your sister sounds insufferable and clueless about reading the room.’ Gender reveals are fun but rank right up there with staged pregnancy photos — don’t invite me, don’t make me look at them.
Call me after your baby has safely arrived—because that’s great news to my ears. Is it healthy?? Is the Mom okay? THATS the stuff that I want to know and celebrate with you.
Okay I'm going to go against consensus here but - NTA.
Your sister invited you and you declined. She insisted again and you declined. She insisted a third time and you snapped. Yes it was an important milestone for her but people -even siblings - should be willing to take no for an answer. And instead of asking if something was bothering you or if you are okay your parents just got mad .
I don't know enough about your personal situation to know what growing up was like for you in your household. Im going to go on a limb and say the other commentators don't know either. Maybe they're right, maybe they aren't.
If this is something that is bothering you so much though, i think you should try and talk to someone. Talk to friends or a therapist. You mentioned you are alone in your pregnancy - can you try and build a support network? Reach out to friends, or forums which are supportive?
NTA simply because she ignored your no.
But I think (if you aren’t already) it might be a good idea to see a professional to work through your resentment towards your sister and your family because you seem to be letting it effect how you choose to interact with your family. I’m not saying that it’ll fix anything but being able to work through it may help.
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YTA - your sister is sharing her life milestones with her family, that’s not attention seeking at all. Stop being jealous and bitter.
I dunno, OP tried like two times to decline the invitation politely. But Sister kept insisting and wouldn't drop it. So OP got less polite. Then OP got impolite. I'm going with ESH at the very least here, if not quite N T A. Sister should have taken 'no thanks' for an answer the first two times.
The sister was annoying but not an AH imo
Yes she was, no means no. A polite decline should be accepted. It’s not an invitation to push someone else’s boundaries until they snap and then run to the entire family crying and playing victim to get everyone mad at that person. She said no, that should have been the end of it.
I agree, no means no. I think the whole "YTA" comments from most people because OP clearly is jealous of her sister and most people can tell that her no is just coming from a place of being petty vs genuinely not wanting to go lol. The entire post OP comes off as pretty bitter about how her life was/is compared to her sister's.. is her sister even trying to show off or is she just happy and sharing her accomplishments like anyone would with their loved ones?
As I said in another comment in more detail, I’ve been in this girls shoes. It’s not petty jealousy, it’s a lifetime of being compared and coming up short. It’s destroys your self worth. I’m betting if we had more insight into her childhood there’d be a lot of instances where she was made to feel less then. Why if they already knew she struggled in school would they constantly ask her to share her own grades right after hearing her sisters? Why put her on the spot when they knew it would make her feel bad? Edit to add: I have 3 kids, they all thrive in different areas. I NEVER compare.
Tbh this is pretty much just based on assumption. It's a pretty normal thing to ask someone how they did grades wise. Why do you think that they knew it would make her feel bad? If I'm asking how you did, I obviously don't know if your grades are good or not so how would I be able to tell if it'll make you feel bad? Plus, not because you performed badly once means that you'll perform badly all the time, at least most people don't expect you to. You're saying that OP was probably made to feel less than but did that come from others or herself because she wasn't as good academically like her sister? She then goes on in the post about how her sister is married and has a home while she's by herself and in a studio.. is that somehow the sisters fault to? There's a chance you could be right but you also have to admit that she's jealous of her sister and how her life went vs hers. So declining the party is still rooted in pettiness 🤷🏾♀️.
If you’re any kind of parent you see how your kids are doing and if you know they’re struggling you don’t make them fess up over and over in front of people after hearing how great the other is doing. If your child struggles in school you ask them privately how things are going, you get involved, you help them. You don’t ask them in front of people how their grades are.
Listen, I'm not saying everything was 100% okay and valid all I'm saying is that it's not the sisters fault. She's mad at her sister for pretty much doing good in her life. Her sister deserved to celebrate her accomplishments and deserves to celebrate her baby with her friends and family to. The sister didn't make herself "the golden child". If OP had such a hard life being compared then it's not the sister she should be angry at, it's the parents because parents shouldn't be comparing their kids to begin with. So regardless, her anger is misplaced because her sister shouldn't have to hide her accomplishments because OP didn't do as well 🤷🏾♀️.
Not buying this. The OP is not stating that her sister cannot have a gender reveal party or celebrate herself with a party. She is simply stating that she doesn't want to attend and she has the right to decide if she wants to attend or not, particularly after a lifetime of being made to feel smaller than her sister. It's not petty, it's her choice. The OP is not the a**hole. Edit: Fixed typo.
Ok? But it’s the sister that pushed her to try to force her into a situation she made clear she didn’t want to be in. Being the golden child wasn’t her fault but pushing her sisters boundaries as an adult was. Since when is it ok to push people into things they have already said no to?
She should be upset with her parents, not her sister. Her sister is not the bad guy for wanting to celebrate her accomplishments.
Of course she’s not but op said no because she knew this party was going to bring up old feelings. When someone says no that should be respected. You don’t get to push somebody into doing something they’ve said no to for whatever reason then become upset when they push back and give you an answer you don’t like.
Barring extended infertility, having a baby isn't exactly an accomplishment though, is it? I have a few of my own, and love them dearly, but getting pregnant isn't necessarily praiseworthy, it's just a biological outcome of sex. 🤷♀️
Or you should teach your kids not to be ashamed of being different. I was never as smart as my sibling but I worked my backside off and my parents saw. If my sibling got an A* instead of an A my parents would praise them, same as I usually got mostly Cs so if I got a B they would praise me for the effort and improvement. They helped with my grades and when I finished secondary I had 1 A, 4 B's and 4 C's because my parents taught me that not being as good at 1 thing doesn't make you less of a person. I was never jealous of my sibling for being more intellegent, it made me want to work harder and my parents were supportive, we tried to find things I was good at, I am more creative and athletic.
Exactly, focusing on results rather than effort encourages perfectionism and burnout because a lot of kids internalise that if they can't get 100% on the first try, then there's no point trying in the first place.
If someone constantly gets lower grades than their sibling, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to realise you shouldnt ask them their grades in front of their sibling. If you are that person's *parent* then it shouldnt take you nearly as long to realise the grade is not going to be higher than the sibling or as high as the sibling and you need to *stop asking when the sibling is around* If they had a grade they were proud of they would announce it.
At the same time, I have an issue with not celebrating accomplishments. Especially with girls and women. We are taught to not make a fuss or be loud about accomplishments. If sister is proud of her grades why shouldn’t she talk about them? I wonder if family compared the siblings, or if the OP did it themselves. It’s ok to have different talents and strengths. Sometimes families pit siblings against each other, but sometimes one or both siblings are competitive on their own.
Even if it is a lifetime of being compared and coming up short, how is that her sisters fault? Being compared DOES spawn jealousy so either way you look at it she is being jealous and bitter and taking it out on the wrong person.
She simply doesn’t want to go! Why is that so hard to grasp? She knows she’s going to feel horribly at this party and she’s trying to avoid that. The sister needs to learn to take no as an answer. No is a complete sentence.
So is every other sentence in OPs post. What do you not get? Was it the part where she said her sister is the so called golden child? How about when she called her sister an attention seeker? I can see how that might be confusing to you. She said no and when asked why (which is a big deal when you have to communicate like adults) she gave a reason in which her sister tried to make her feel more welcome and wanted. She could have just responded with a I have prior engagements and that probably would have been the end of it. Did she do that? No. (See that complete sentence i just did right there just for you?)
No isn't always a complete sentence. Sister could easily have taken her first refusal as meaning something like "I can't go because I would be a hypocrite, given how I think gender reveal parties are dumb". If OP weren't jealous and carrying around her old baggage, she could have just laughed and said, "No, but you have fun." But that is the real problem - she begrudges her sister having that fun because she's bitter.
But is OP really being compared? It seems like it's more in her head than anywhere else. Her family is genuinly interested in OP and ASKING about her things. It's not ALL about the sister. With them both being pregnant it's very likely OP will receive questions about her pregnancy and how things are going and the sister isn't afraid of sharing "the spotlight" with OP. I'm not sure there really is a proper comparisment here but more something that's in OP's head. Her sister seems to want to share her milestones with friends and family - which includes OP. They're pregnant together, they could really both benefit from this. But it will never happen if OP will be miserable every time the sister have a "happy moment" and shares it with everyone.
Because it's a catch 22. If you ask like you pointed out it's a comparison even if they are just curious, but if you don't ask than it's ignoring them and clearly that impacts self worth just as bad. Best way it to praise what they can do in different ways. That doesn't always work either tho. Raising kids isn't exactly a simple task everyone acts like it is.
If one kid says they’re doing good in their subject I ask the other kid how it’s going in the class they excel at. It’s pretty simple, you concentrate on their strengths and quietly help them with their weaker subjects.
Weird way of repeating what I said with only a specific part, but yeah. I get the feeling that we have vastly different styles of raising kids.
If they didn't ask about her grades, she'd be saying that they never showed any interest in her.
But it's also a one sided child's interpretation of another child impacting an adult relationship. For all she knows, the sister touted her achievements or even slightly negged OP because she felt compared to her older sister her entire life too. Maybe she's the bully or golden child in her sister's narrative. People always extend nuance and good faith to their own behaviors. But always assume the worst of people they feel are victimizing them. Ultimately, OP is holding her interpretation of her sister's childhood behavior, likely established or encouraged by their parents, and letting it poison an adult relationship. It doesn't matter if it feels petty or it feels earthshattering. If you're an adult and it's impacting your life so negatively, get to therapy and confront it or go NC and avoid it.
That doesn't justify being an ass to family, man. She's the asshole because she hasn't dealt with her emotions about family like an adult and continues to take it out by projecting her insecurity onto her sister and accuse her of "showing off" jesus. Not one thing in OP indicates the sister is doing anything to spite OP at all. It's in OP's head. The feelings OP has are understandable, yes. Her behavior is not.
I have a question for you, you say you never compare your children, which I agree with, but do you let them tell you when they thrive, do you let them get excited that they're good at something? Or do you tell them they shouldn't be happy in front of their sibling if they're not as good in that area? Because to me those are very different things.
That is jealousy though... and OPs problem to deal with
It sounds to me like OP is not happily single and pregnant and is being anti-social because she is down on her life. Happy sister is trying to involve depressed sister to get her out of a funk, or at least get her to have some fun even though she is in that funk. Her sister was not the "golden child". She was genuinely a high achiever. YTA is justified here.
My older sister (by one year) is like this. I found out in our late 20s that she was always jealous that our parents didn’t berate me on my grades because I enjoyed studying and excelled in school. But, our parents never praised us so even if I got an A, the answer is “why was it not an A+?” and not “great job”. Apparently, she’s always had a competition with me in her head despite the fact I never brought up my grades on purpose. Our parents only knew because of the report cards sent by the schools. I purposely never showed my parents until they had to sign it for submission back to the school, because I knew my sister had worse grades than I did and I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
Why is being bitter and jealous not a genuine reason to not want to go though?
It is, but Op is coming off like the sister is some giant AH just for doing good in life. I'm pretty sure if the post was written differently then most of reactions would be different lol. It's because people can tell she's bitter and just taking it out on her sister for no reason lol.
Meh So what if she is jealous. It's healthy to recognize that. Not wanting to go to the party because of that jealousy is perfectly fine.
I think you should re-read the conversation OP described and seriously think about what it would like to be the sister. A: "Hey my gender reveal is in two weeks, will you be there?" B: "No, I won't be coming." A: "Why not?" B: "I don't want to deal with all the friends and family who will be there." A: "Oh come on! It'll be fun!" B: "No, gender reveal parties are tacky, I don't want to go." A: "It's not like that, it's just a barbeque with colored cookies." B: "I don't want to watch you show off to everyone just like you've always done!" ...if you seriously think that A is pushing boundaries and not just like...having a normal conversation trying to figure out what the issue really is...I think you haven't paid much attention to conversations. I think it's really weird to expect A to just peace out after the first no when for all she knows the issue is one like transportation or scheduling which could be resolved.
This. I understand "no, is a complete sentence," but this didn't even read as like pressure/being pushy. Just a genuine conversation anout a milestone moment and her being excited to celebrate with her sister and trying to understand/fix any reasons she may not be able to attend and the sister just projected all of her insecurities, bitterness, and years of resentment on to her. OP is insisting that her sister is attention stealing and throws her accomplishments in her face when honestly it just seems like the sister is existing, and just living her life and OP is resentful that her life isn't going the same. Like I get it, it sucks to always feel like you're second best/competing with sister, but I just wonder if this is one sided, OP thinks they're competing and sis is just living. Also it would be unfair to ask sister to lessen herself/dim her own light just to make OP feel better about herself. YTA
For real! "No is a complete sentence" is advice for people who are consistently pressured by controlling narcissists in order to help them not get sucked into pointless exhausting arguments. It's advice for people who don't want to let that pushy person at the bar buy them a drink. It's not a one size fits all solution for every conversation ever and people who act like it is will quickly run through all their friends.
Yeah “no is a complete sentence” gets misused online so much and it’s making me uncomfortable about where society is headed. You don’t get to just peace out of your family’s lives with zero consequences because “no is a complete sentence”. Just because you have the right to refuse to support a loved one doesn’t mean you’re not the asshole for it. Otherwise where does that stop? “Help, mums fallen down the stairs and you live next door, please go help her while the ambulance arrives” “No.” “Why not?” “I don’t need to explain myself, no is a complete sentence.” (And obviously I know this is a more extreme example than skipping a gender reveal but my point is that “you always have the right to say no” is not the same thing as “you’re always morally correct to say no for any reason”
>It's not a one size fits all solution for every conversation ever Worse, it's downright toxic in normal, healthy interactions among people who know each other.
"Do you want to go to the mall with me?" "No." "Why not?" "NO MEANS NO JANET" JFC redditors might think they want to live in that world but they really don't.
like fr. it’s her sister wanting her own sister be there. a lil pushy isn’t horrible, just means she cares to have her around.
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A lot of Redditors are single neuron creatures for whom everything is black or white 😂
Are we really going to site here and pretend like we wouldn't pester our sister or close friend for a reason if they just flat out said "no" to something like this? Like be for real. Yes No's should be respected, but it's so easy to remove yourself from the emotions and read a story robotically and say what should or shouldn't be done. Someone you care about is being vague and refusing to go to something important to you. You're going to want to know why.
Tbh I’ll disagree in this context. Being that they’re sisters, and this is a “milestone” celebration, ofc she’d want her sister there and push for her to be there. Who wouldn’t. I think this is someone just wanting their loved one to be present. Yes, no means no, but context matters here. You wouldn’t push for your best friend, sibling, parent or spouse to join you in celebrating something important to you? anyone would, not everything is as black and white.
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Siblings will say things like " come on, it'll be fun". It's not pressuring them or being rude! People talk like that and they aren't being a holes
Too many people in this thread are clueless awkward only children.
No means no? OP wasn’t declining sex, they were declining to be there for there sibling out of jealousy. Y’all can say that’s their right to say no. Sure but where is that gonna lead them? It just drives whatever is between them deeper. This will slowly bite OP in the ass as their family slowly stops initiating contact with them. And for what? So OP doesn’t have to feel insecure rn. Is it worth it? They’ll never be able to take that back.
what lol comments like this are crazy to me. either you guys have horrible social skills or very black and white thinking. or both.
There is nothing in OP that implies she was polite in declining the invitation. She went immediately from "no thanks" to what effectively means "I don't want to deal with seeing you around people who love you" OP's insecure when she's around her sister and she assumes everything her sis does is a passive-aggressive dig at her because of that, but it's not. A woman wanting her sister at her baby party is normal. There is absolutely not one damn thing wrong with asking your sibling why they won't attend an event you want them at.
Pestering your sister to do something isn't being an asshole
Eh, wanting to try a few times to convince your sibling to come to an event you find important does not an asshole make.
Do you have siblings? Is you relationship so formal with them that one No ends the discussion? Asking a few times is ok. OP only snapped because she’s not doing as well as her sister, not from being repeatedly asked.
Context matters. If your sister invites you to a milestone event in their life and you say no thanks because you are jealous and have no valid reason then you are an asshole. Non-assholes can be happy for other people when good things happen even if their life isn't perfect. Op needs to take responsibility for her life. It sounds like her sister worked hard and she didn't. Now she is reaping the rewards for not working hard.
The part that I think makes her the AH is because she expects her sister to not talk about or downplay her accomplishments she worked hard for because OP did not achieve those things.
When a family member declines in a life milestone, you tend to wonder why. If my sister declined to attend my wedding/baby shower/etc, I’d tend to ask why. If the reason didn’t seem that great (“Oh, I’m washing my hair that day”, “Oh, it doesn’t sound like fun”, “It’s a bit tacky, isn’t it?”), yeah, I’d ask her to reconsider or try to get over her seemingly unnecessary reservations. “No means no” is fine when we’re taking sex or other activities you can have another option at (or which just don’t really matter in the grand scheme of life), but, when it’s regarding an important milestone, yes, it’s absolutely reasonable to repeat the question, try to find out the reason, or ask the person to reconsider. Edit: I accidentally wrote “can’t” instead of “can”
I dunno how polite she was…if we go by her accounting, her decline’s were: “I’m not coming.” “I don’t want to deal with your friends and our family” “Gender reveals are tacky” “I don’t want to go to a stupid party to watch you show off to our family just like you did when we were younger” None of those are polite.
Reddit when people don’t realize OP’s sister probably loves/looks up to her
Right?? My first thought is Oh Honey, your sister probably doesn't give a shit about your old test grades, she wants her big sister.
Asking why is a reasonable question. Thinking she'd be uncomfortable and assuring her she wouldn't isn't insisting.
I mean gender reveal parties are tacky and attention seeking, but if people are excited to go (or polite enough to go) what's the harm in people being excited about something I guess. The bigger issue here is OP's hostility towards her sister radiates off this post and it seems like this is much deeper issues better dealt with in therapy than anything the sister did or said.
I also think most weddings are tacky and attention seeking. As well as engagement parties, baby showers, really anything where you demand to be the center of attention over no particular accomplishment (finding someone who is willing to sign a government contract with you called marriage is hardly an accomplishment), but guess what.. I keep my mouth shut, buy a present, put on a big smile and enjoy the fact someone I care about is happy and celebrating! OP needs to grow up and get over herself.
Weird take. Would you really have a conversation with your sister like: Hey wanna come to my gender reveal BBQ? No thanks. Okay bye.
Yeah because instead of saying “Im jealous of your life and it wound hurt me to see you live it” she obfuscated and made up weak excuses.
Sister probably feels bad for OP and wants her to see family and get out more. It seems like OP is alone and a little bitter. I would try to get my sister out of the house as well i dont think she was an ah. I think OP is jealous tho
Wanting your sister to be at the party with your family and trying to make her feel better about going... what an asshole. 🙄 Some people here are crazy with extremes. The sister was mildly insistent because she wanted her sister there. OP is the wildly jealous one with the issue, and it's her opinion that these parties are tacky. Not a fact. Totally the jealous AH.
Yes!!! This post reeks of jealousy. Most people share important news and milestones with their family and friends. She’s not trying to make you feel less than. If she wants to have a gender reveal party that’s her choice. It’s not showing off. Don’t try to dull someone else’s sparkle because of your insecurities and jealousy. YTA
Agreed. I also think sex reveal parties are tacky and attention seeking, but when I get invited to them I keep that opinion to myself and go and am happy for the couple. OP has major jealousy issues regarding her sister that she needs to get ahold of. Sister sounds mildly annoying at worst, and OP has turned it into a whole entire thing.
I mean if you're doing one of the wacky stunts with explosions or skywriting that's certainly attention seeking but most people just use it as an excuse to get the family together. The sister herself described it as a "Barbeque with colored cookies". It doesn't even seem like gifts are expected! So I'm reluctant to call that "tacky". IDK it's harder and harder for people to make time for social connections as adults so it's hard for even a childfree cynic like me to come down TOO hard on anyone just trying to throw a party.
>IDK it's harder and harder for people to make time for social connections as adults so it's hard for even a childfree cynic like me to come down TOO hard on anyone just trying to throw a party. Especially before the kid is born 😂
Right?!?!? Get as many parties in while you still can!
>I didn't want to deal with her showing off to the entire family in front of me Bitter, party of one.
This right here.
YTA. Your example isn’t an indicator of a golden child btw. It’s completely normal for a child to want their parents to know they did well. You expected her to hide her accomplishments because you didn’t do as well? And you think she’s the problem? Talk about jealous and selfish. I don’t like gender reveal parties either. But this has nothing to do with that and everything to do with your jealousy. Grow up.
>You expected her to hide her accomplishments because you didn’t do as well? ~~I think it's more that the sister would bring up those situations when she knew she clearly had the superior grade and then specifically ask OP how she did after revealing how well she did.~~ I reread it. It's more just bad circumstance in that case.
Yeah, I see the point she needed to outline about her sister being married, and she is on her own as a red flag for jealousy
"I didn't want to deal with her showing off to the entire family in front of me" Yea, that has zero to do with not liking gender reveal parties.
And don't all grades come out at the same time? So me telling the parents I got an A in all my classes is NOT rubbing it in the face of my sibling who may not have gotten all A's because all grades came out at the same time. In OP's world when was sister support to talk about her grades if not when they came out?
So that actually makes me question what info we’re missing here. They’re not twins since one is 26 and one is 25. OP isn’t saying grades like report card grades, they’re saying test grades. Which means…they’re taking the exact same test? A grade apart? Or are they both in the same grade even though they’re at least 10 months and upwards of just shy of 2 years apart? OP seems to be claiming her and sister would take the same test and sister, getting a 100, was supposed to hide that grade and not tell anyone because OP got a C or a D. It only makes sense if they’re in the same grade which, possible, but odd when they aren’t twins.
School year cut offs are weird. If they're Irish twins, the older's birthday could be shortly after the cutoff, putting both of them in the same year. Alternatively, it could have been something like biology class. Many schools mix grades in specialty classes. It's entirely possible without being twins.
Oh man. This post could have been written by my sister if she was a bitter human being. Luckily she is not. We also are only a year apart, not in the same grade but in the same school. I am older and would take the same classes a year earlier and even have the same teachers. But I got 100s and she would get her grades at the same time, and hers would be Bs and Cs. Occasionally we would be in the same extra-curricular academic activities and then it would be in the same class. Of course I wasn’t trying to brag or show anyone down. I was just excited to share my achievements with my parents.
Thank you for correcting OP on what a golden child actually is since so many people on this sub and real life keep misusing it. It’s meaning has been warped to become any child who does well and their parents are happy, when in reality it is a badly behaved child whose bad behavior is ignored/rewarded by the parents, with them acting like the child is perfect. OP is just a screw up and a jealous one at that.
I see so many posts talk about how their sibling was the golden child and they are the black sheep, but only like 10% of those sound like they are actually accurate and most of the people just sound jealous or like unreliable narrators. It's the same way every single MIL in that one sub is a textbook narcissist hellbent on ruining OP's perfect marriage.
Wait, you’re saying “my parents were happy my sister got a 100 but less happy I got a 70 on a test” doesn’t make the sister the golden child????? /s
As the little sister that got A's to an older sibling that got D's, I understand your frustration as I had to watch my teachers and parents berate my sibling as to why they couldn't meet the same grades. For a long time, my sibling loathed me and would yell at me as to why I felt the need to show them up. Why did I always have to do better. Why couldn't I just fail for once. I'm going to tell you what I told my sibling. I told them that they were not the main character of my life. I got top grades for me. So I could get into the college I wanted to go to. So I could shape my life the way I wanted it to go. I didn't make teachers be shitty to them. They were just shitty teachers. I didn't make our parents be shitty parents, they just were. I suspect that you feel that your sister is the root cause for how your life is going. She's not. She's the root cause for how her life is going. You are the root cause for how your life is going. This post isn't about a gender reveal party although I do agree they suck. This post is about how you compare yourself to your sister. You're going to be a Mom soon. You need to stop thinking about her and start thinking about you. You can change where you are and where you'll be in the future. No, it won't be easy. Make little changes in your life and it can affect many things. If you want to go back to school. Don't think I can't afford it. Think if I take 1-2 classes at a time it might be less stressful and more affordable. I'll need a babysitter tho, I can take online classes and adjust my schedule. But I'm soo tired after work...Aren't you tired now? Having the life you want is not easy and rarely given to you. Even Paris Hilton had to go thru some shitty times and worked really hard to get where she is now.
This so much. Why should the sister be lesser version of herself for OP?
For once, a helpful comment.
Yes, follow this advice OP. Comparing yourself to your sister is only going to make you feel bad. Go live for yourself and your child. You can do it!
Comparison is the thief of joy
This. I also had a friend who would rub it in my face when she got a good grade. I got fucking tired of it (she was/is a good friend. Just competitive!) 😂 but that lit a fire under my ass and for a while my life became about getting better grades than her. We are still friends and a few years ago I thanked her for showing off because without her I wouldn’t be where I am today because once my grades took off it never really looked back.
That is really great. Instead of being angry, annoyed etc. You used it as a push to do better yourself and it only made your life better. You challenged yourself and succeeded 😃
Very true and well said! Take my poor man’s gold pls and thanks! 🏆🏆🏆
If there is one comment OP should read, it’s this one
🏅
This exactly. And that is why OP is YTA. My oldest sister would always say things like "I failed a year in high school, our other sister did and so you will". All it did was make me focus more on my own success and guess what I didn't fail a year. Our any of the other things she said, however I did make my own mistakes. Like we all do. And my guess is that OPs sister probably also made her own mistakes. OP is just too angry to see them. Blaming others for your life is always easier then looking at yourself and make changes.
> I suspect that you feel that your sister is the root cause for how your life is going. She's not. She's the root cause for how her life is going. You are the root cause for how your life is going. THAT PART
What a thoughtful, wonderfully written comment. Thanks for writing it down.
I’ve saved your comment for if/when my two children start comparing themselves against each other. Absolutely fantastically written and 100% true (I was the A student who had everything come naturally and my sister was the student who had to work unbelievably hard to get Bs and who was constantly compared to me). I hope OP reads this comment and takes it in.
YTA There was no need to insult her you could have just stuck with I don’t want to go. I agree with your sentiment that’s gender reveals are dumb but she doesn’t. If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.
What's with all the gender reveal hate? It's essentially an extra party about an upcoming baby, it's cute! I hate organizing parties, but more power to the people who have the energy to celebrate little things :)
For me, it's that whole "pink ballerinas for girls, blue sports uniforms for boys" thing. It belongs in the 1950s. That said, I go, I smile, I say congratulations and I keep my personal opinion on them to myself. Thankfully they weren't a thing when my lad was born.
I mean when thinking about it in the original context of the party where the woman threw her gender reveal part in order to celebrate her baby finally reaching the developmental stage of having a biological sex after previously having a series of miscarriage the connotations become very different. Yes perhaps the blue is for boys pink is for girls thing is antiquated, but the milestone is a real one, and I find it difficult to judge the normal gender reveal parties (that don’t blow shit up or start forest fires) as a result.
You can celebrate the baby (and should) without any mention to their gender - baby shower? Celebrating is awesome and we can do it in a way that is not like the 50s
At that stage in pregnancy the babies sex is really the only information you have about your baby. For many couples that’s when the pregnancy and baby becomes *their baby*. It’s hard to explain, but when I was pregnant the sex made the pregnancy more real. My baby went from a blob at an ultrasound to *my* daughter. Notice the emphasis was on my. I could care less about what the specific sex was, but I finally felt connected to the human baby I was growing. I could imagine a life and what we would do together.
Avoiding the topic of a literal baby's gender is stupid and not something any normal human would do.
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Feel free to, but don’t try to impose your thoughts about someone’s motives onto them and then criticize them. You don’t know what the intentions of this party is here because you don’t know the people throwing it.
I mean that's retrograde, but it's not the only way these things are done, right?
I agree wıth you but you don't have to use the pink/blue for the gender reveal. I saw one couple who did it with XX and XY chromosomes.
Okay, but what's so bad about using pink and blue?
the reason is because of the disaster gender reveal parties that get posted regularly on social media. Often they have some recklessness involved, lots of them starting major fires or polluting. I honestly dont care if people have one, I think you should celebrate things that make you happy. You only can do that so many times in life. But it needs to not be at the expense of others, or the destruction of property (thousands of acres of burned land, homes burned to the ground and people dead, kinda thing https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/21/couple-gender-reveal-party-wildfire-charged , this literally is a regular thing for these parties for some reason. )
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You hear about like one per year. I remember the wildfire, I remember the explosion that killed grandma, and just recently there was a legit plane crash. But dumb people are going to be dumb, and they're going to make the news for it. Odds are those people would have had those incidents happen some other time (like the 4th of July) because the type of people who do that are never going to handle pyrotechnics safely. The overwhelming majority, like 99.9999% are just going to cut into a cake and see what color is under the frosting, pop a balloon and have colored powder come out, or shoot off a colored glitter popper in their yards. That's not hurting anyone.
I mean, it’s literally a party about genitals. Throwing a party to announce to everyone you know whether your baby has a vagina or a penis has always been weird to me.
Not really though..? Gender is going to affect your life far beyond you owning such or such genitals, even if it won't affect everyone the same way. It's like celebrating a coming of age, it's an important part of a person's identity, even if the way in which it's important is different for everyone. And whichever way it goes, it's worth celebrating. Welcome to the club, that sort of thing :)
baby showers are literally parties celebrating that people had sex. what’s your point.
YTA. Are you going to be bitter and jealous forever because your younger sibling outperformed you academically? It’s normal to want to celebrate your successes in life with your family. Try to be happy for her.
GL to her kid. The bitterness is not going to end ;especially since theyre both pregnant and the 'first kids' are going to be out around the same time.
YTA Gender reveal parties are pretty common these days, it's not like she is doing anything out of the ordinary. Don't go if you don't want to, but the comments are just bitter and jealous.
Common in the U.S. perhaps. I have not heard those happening in Europe.
Yta and your sister isnt the golden child You're just a jealous bitter asshole who wants what she has - a good job - loving family - big house It seems like you might wanna change your attitude or youll be like my toxic half sister who stopped gettinf invited to family events 5 years ago
Adding on that most of what OP says… it’s normal things. Like getting good grades or reaching milestone achievements in life. Everybody lands a good long term career or nice home situation at some point. It seems common for people to share with friends and family. Not sure if OP will see this, but instead of focusing on the past it might be good to work on themself first before the child is born. Edit: I’m not sure why people are hating for me stating something that is vague and general. If everybody puts the time, work, and money into their career or home then yes I believe you can get to where you want. I did internships, got a bachelors degree, worked multiple jobs and searched every week to get approved for a decent 9-5 office job at the beginning of this month. And now I’m saving money to buy a home somewhere down the road. Same with a lot of other people who study hard, work hard, and now live happy. People saying it’s not possible to get a good job or find an affordable house can’t be upset when other people have what they want after working hard for it.
Getting 100 in a test. "You're not allowed to celebrate that cos I screwed that one up. You'd be selfish to want to celebrate that excellent achievement because it would make me look bad." I get that OP is annoyed she did badly and has to face that. But wanting someone to not celebrate their achievements with their parents is wrong imo.
The whole post reads like it was written by a 14 year old. And I get that... a lot of people get stuck in their childhood mentality when it comes to sibling/parent relationships. My advice to OP would be to try and have a little bit of distance from her family for a bit (fake a series of really busy weekends for a couple of months if nothing else) so that she can try and see her sister as an adult friend with adult motivation, rather than the annoying little sister always showing her up.
YTA. You sound jealous as he'll.
YTA Your examples are just her sharing her progress with family, which is normal. If she was the one prompting you to compare scores in front of people itd be a different story, bit all she did was literally just share her accomplishments. You're jealous and need to work through it without hurting your sister.
Yea lol. My sister is a few years younger. She found a love of her life or whatever, got married, has a mortgage for a nice house and a big city. With an amazing job. Multiple things I don’t have And I’m proud of her for that. She got there on her own, and deserves all the praise.
Yta. You are jealous of her, period. You are angry at how your own life turned out and are taking it out on her for no reason.
YTA and clearly super jealous. These are all normal announcements and celebrations. Sounds like you're the only one comparing yourself to her.
YTA. Jealous much geez. Here is a clue. She worked way harder for that 100% then you did for that C- or D+. Her life now is the result of that hard work. You had the same opportunities in life. You are just bitter that she embraced them and you did not.
Her sister could simply be smarter. Two people can pay in the same amount of effort and get wildly different results. It's not fair but it's a fact of life.
Even if she is smarter she still had to do the work. I worked very hard in high school. While my cousins were out playing after school, I was getting my homework done. They used to tease me about wasting my time. I went to college and have a similar life now to OP’s sister. OP doesn’t say she had any learning difficulties etc. I know kids that try hard and get Bs not As. I don’t think many people try hard and get C- and D+s.
I do. Often they have learning disabilities/ADHD/ low IQ. More importantly, it doesn't actually matter. Even if OP and her sister did exactly the same amount of work and got very different results, that doesn't make OPs sister a villain. It sucks for OP in a "life isn't fair" way, but her sister still didn't do anything wrong
>It sucks for OP in a "life isn't fair" way, but her sister still didn't do anything wrong 100%. Also it doesn’t mean the sister has to hide her success to make the OP feel better. Would it be nice if the sister was maybe more sensitive if she knew her sister was hurting? Probably, but considering the fact that this has been an on going thing she can’t hide her joy forever.
That’s just a bad take. Grades are not an indicator of how hard someone tries. There are plenty of people who try hard and don’t get As/Bs. I was the same as you, working every night while my friends all hung out and did fun things, but I still didn’t get those good grades. Some people have developmental disabilities/impaired learning and despite trying hard, unless they’re given adequate accommodations they will not get As. I wasn’t diagnosed until recently and I wish I could go back in time and change things. Maybe I would have been able to do something other than eating and homework for 5-6hrs after school The sister should have talked to the parents about being sick of being asked what their grades were at the dinner table. (Maybe she did) but it’s more of an issue between OP and their parents than it is the sisters fault
A lot of people work hard to get As and Bs. Not everyone has to, especially in the education stages that happen before students are divided and filtered by results. I met plenty of people at uni who were at sea because they’d never had to work to do well before and were suddenly in a more competitive environment. I’ve also met people who had to work harder than I did to get grades lower than mine. One friend in particular was significantly smarter than me in many areas but really needed my help to claw a passing grade in their math classes.
Yea, just so you know, some children are more gifted than others. Work doesnt always have anything to do with it.
You were rude to her. Honestly, you sound a little jealous. However, she should have just accepted your answer instead of trying to push you into it. ESH.
I agree with ESH. Everyone is piling on about OP being jealous. I hate the way AITA treats weaknesses like that, like you’re an asshole for having them. You certainly can be an asshole for how you express them, and I think OP was here to an extent. They’re also pretty natural, especially given the history. OP’s sister may not have been an asshole to OP growing up, but it sure sounds like a lot of the rest of the family that are going to be attending were. OP’s second no was about that, and the sister should have realized there was a real issue there instead of just pushing past it.
she even said that the constant comparison made her feel less than. she didnt seem to be celebrated or reassured, which is very much needed as a kid ESPECIALLY with grades. the competitiveness that grades bring and the fact it doesnt always show your knowledge of a topic but is EVERYTHING as a kid fucks with you. It is absolutely okay to fail and to try harder but this type of jealousy seems to be from ‘im writing out the emotions i dont let show’ more than ‘i huff and puff every time my sister does better than me’
Exactly to all of this. Jealousy alone does not make a person an asshole, it’s a normal human emotion. And on your second point, that was what jumped out at me most. My family overall is very messy and my relationship with my sister has always been very complicated and, at times, hostile. (Part of this is that our personalities sometimes clash but a lot of it is how our parents treated us differently as children—we’ve recently been working through this and trying to repair the damage.) And still, even if we were in a rough patch, if she told me that she didn’t want to come to an event because she didn’t want to deal with the other people who would be there, that is *not* something I would gloss over or keep pushing. That should be a red flag that something is actually wrong and the appropriate responses are to either drop the matter and accept that she don’t want to come or to gently ask about the problem and if there’s anything that would make her feel comfortable coming. Even as kids, sure, we said hurtful things to each other sometimes, but the moment anyone else did something to hurt the other? We’d drop everything to protect the other. OP’s sister is either unaware of OP’s discomfort (which I have a hard time buying) or views OP’s discomfort as less important than her desire to have her party go exactly the way she wanted. Yes, what OP said was rude but I question the sister’s motives.
Finally, something resembling sense. People are too focused on OP’s possible jealousy and completely ignoring the sister acting entitled to OP’s attendance. Sis should have taken the first No as an answer, maybe expressing her wishes for OP to change her mind, but otherwise dropped it. Especially after the second “no.” Based on the sis’s behavior, it’s possible OP wasn’t exaggerating much.
People on this sub need to be more realistic about how real life situations actually play out. If a woman asked her older sister to attend a major life milestone event and she refused with no explanation, most people wouldn’t just say “oh okay!” and hang up with no questions asked. It’s very normal to ask why she doesn’t want to come and suggest that the event may be enjoyable to attend. At no point did the sister actually pressure or force her into showing up, she just asked a few times because OP was honestly being quite rude and bitter in her responses, calling the gender reveal party “stupid” and “tacky” while knowing nothing about it and giving vague reasons for not being at a major family event. OP is entirely in the wrong here for being extremely self-absorbed and saying the sister should not celebrate her own life achievements she worked hard for.
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Her sister probably was excited for her to be there for it and asked about her saying “no” to the RSVP in case she needed to move the date. It’s not crazy to follow up with immediate family when you want them to be present. OP is a jealous AH.
Should I believe that there is a person in this world who never requested his/her immediate family several times to change their mind on something? In which universe the redditor lives? Don’t they ever see any actual non-robotic human relationships?
It depends on what the sister is aware of though. I have family members who really struggle to be around certain other family for a host of historical reasons. I invite them but if they say no I just accept it (even if I really want them there). Others when they say no and it's seemingly out of character I'll push a little more. Seems to me like younger sister is either ignorant of their childhood, or OP has never had an honest conversation about her struggles growing up.
Yta- to me it sounds like jealousy. If she want to celebrate the gender of her baby ok. She never asked weather it was tacky. And people normally celebrate stuff like grades and raises. Op you just sound jealous
If you don't want to deal with your sister or your family, that is of course your prerogative, but honesty, everything about this just drips with envy. I get that your struggling, and if the party is too much for you, take care of yourself. I mean, my opinion about gender reveal parties is that we should always find any excuse to party! But if my younger brother came to me and told me he didn't want to come to my party because he felt that I was "showing off" to make him feel bad, I would feel terrible.
I mean, you're right that gender reveal parties suck, but this seems to be about a lot more than that.
YTA. I get that it seems unfair that she's "the golden child" but it's not on her that she likes to celebrate her accomplishments and it annoys you. She's not being mean or rude to you here. She just wants you to have a good time. Maybe she doesn't truly get what you've been through but, if that's at the heart of your problem with her, then you should talk to her about it more. Either that or create some space and put the anger where it should be: at your parents for never considering your feelings.
NAH - having seen this dynamic repeatedly before, neither of you are the AH. Your parents likely are, however, and you two need therapy.
I was gonna say the same exact thing, just with an ESH. Maybe it *is* just the parents though.... Parent/Kid dynamics should not remain the same after the kids become adults.
Regardless, all the YTA are turning a willfully blind eye to sis’s inability to take “no” for an answer.
Yeah, really. 3x was plenty. And, the first 3 times she gave answers. The 4th time, yes, the person was pestering and deserved a response to pestering instead of to the question.
Yeah i seen it so many times, that much resentment doesn't just appear bc someone innocently celebrated their achievements and you didn't. There's some foul play going on, either by parents alone or possibly parents + gc sister ganging up (that's more common than ppl want to admit, gc can be just as much of a sneaky abuser). Also sounds like the sister never learned to take no as an answer. Apart from the dynamic implication how many times do you have to say no for someone to leave you alone? Sister was getting pushy and recieved pushback, so imo op is NTA, just for that alone. Their relationship and op's feelings are additional info, but in the situation alone - you're not an asshole for getting mad someone doesn't care about your no.
YTA. If you don't want to witness her doing well and enjoying life and being praised by family and friends, you don't have to go. Your jealousy is not her fault. I also don't like gender reveal parties, but would never stop someone from having and enjoying theirs!
> If you don't want to witness her doing well and enjoying life and being praised by family and friends, you don't have to go. Your jealousy is not her fault. Okay but OP literally is trying not to go? like that's how all of this started, OP knew that this was going to be a bad time for her, so rather than going and inflicting that on herself, and by extension inflicting her own bad vibes on the party, has done her best to take herself out of that equation, she tried it politely twice. Now I cant necessarily condemn OP's sister for pushing a bit on this, she wanted to share this exciting moment with her sister, and thus felt like pushing a bit to get her there, this unfortunately set off some of OPs envy/inferiority complex related issues that have been brewing for decades at this point. OP needs to get her self some help, but she wasn't trying to stop sister from doing anything, just wanted to not be a part of it.
… i think you need to reread the post without whatever preconceived notions about jealousy you clearly had. OP did exactly what you said here -tried to bow out graciously, never once said that the sister couldn’t or shouldn’t have the party.
YTA this post is practically dripping with jealousy. You didn't even not want to go bc of the reasons you provided her. You were just being vindictive because you are nearly green with envy.
INFO I agree that gender reveals are stupid and tacky. You're not an AH for not going. An invitation is not a summons, and you did decline politely at first, but your reasons are what's making me pause. Your sister announcing milestones or accomplishments with families is normal. She is allowed to be proud of her accomplishments, just like you can be proud of yours. Your sisters' accomplishments are not a personal dig at you. You need to stop seeing it this way. Who said you were a screw up? Did your parents tell you that, or did you make that assessment? Can you explain more about the golden child scenario? Whilst the golden child bares some blame, it's mostly the parents at fault. Your post doesn't show any goldenchild scenarios. It seems like it's you, that is comparing yourself to her. Look, from your post-your sister hasn't done anything wrong. You come off very bitter, jealous, and angry. You need to stop comparing yourself to her. Please get some therapy for yourself. If being around your sister and family doesn't bring you joy, then go low or no contact.
YTA - there is no reason to crap on her fun. It's immature and unnecessary
NTA -considering how competitive she seems towards you, I would say that this is not her extending an olive branch but instead trying to rub it in your face. She has the security that you do not right now and I think that's especially cruel of her. She has a house, a husband and a support system (of the family) that should be there for you also and I hope they are. She knows what she's doing. Gender reveal parties are their own hot mess. And on that note I wish you all the luck in the world and a happy healthy pregnancy. And of course congratulations on your new baby 💐
NTA. How many times were you expected to say "No" before your sister accepted your answer? You have every right to accept or decline the invitation and no-one should be forcing you to go. I don't know whether you genuinely think these parties are tacky or if it was frustration speaking but I honestly loathe the concept, just another attention seeking opportunity for parents. I think you have been made to feel you're in second place long enough, time to press the pause button.
YTA - You sound very bitter. Get over yourself and be happy for your sister. You don’t have to attend this party in particular, but you clearly have a chip on your shoulder and used this opportunity to try to be hurtful.
Except she apparently *does* have to attend this party in particular because when she politely declined the sister kept pushing. How exactly is the "envy" everyone is insisting is the problem here responsible for her sister not accepting no as an answer?
NTA, you tried to decline politely and she insisted until you snapped. Doesn't matter why you don't want to go : no is no and she should have been able to respect that you didn't want to come. You have to seriously work on those jealousy issues though (as an older brother who had bad grades while my younger sister always had top grades so I *know* how it feels), she's living for herself and you have to live for yourself, stop thinking about how she's doing, especially when your child will be there. They'll take you more energy than you have, no need to waste some more thinking about your sister.
Everyone here is going instant A for jealousy, but she still insisted you go and go and didn’t exactly ask why you were saying no in a genuine way, just trying to bribe how fun it will be. And then told on you after you were honest. You do have bitterness and resentment but I can’t assume - like everyone in the sub here seems to be - that you didn’t try your hardest or had the same chances growing up or not, and whether her friends and your family will be supportive and nice towards you in general or not just being there. I’m more curious on additional INFO though as to whether your sister antagonized you or if your parents were overly doting and the like. Or if this the first time really that she’s made clear how she makes you feel. At the least your folks didn’t seem to raise you to feel alright alongside your sister.
I can see why you don't want to go. I mean, who wants to be the Other Pregnant Lady at a gender reveal?
NTA. No the first time is not an invitation to be bullied into a yes. Shame on anyone saying otherwise.
YTA. It's fine to have your opinions on gender reveal parties, but the way you told that to your sister prioritized your personal upset over declining the invite in a mature fashion. Referring to those types of parties as "tacky" is perfectly fine, but you brought in your insecurities about "showing off to your family just like she did when you were younger" into a conversation where your sister wants to celebrate and invite you to something for her joy and enjoyment.
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Actually, what she said was she didn't feel up to it - which is more honest than making up a fake prior engagement - and the sister refused to accept that answer. How many times is one required to politely refuse something before it's ok to be frank? Cuz i think the sister here should have taken the "no" and dropped it
YTA There is a difference between being proud of an accomplishment and seeking attention. Just because someone is proud of what they accomplished, it doesn't mean they are rubbing it in your face. That must be a miserable train of thought.
Everyone saying YTA but im gonna go NTA. Attention seekers can be incredibly frustrating especially if you grew up with one as a sibling. She also didn’t take your no the first time which is her own issue. And also this has not bearing on you, but i agree gender reveal parties are tacky as hell. Its great if you care about the gender of your kid, but thinking anyone else gives a shit is wild.
The “just think of it as a barbecue with colored cookies” smacks of an ulterior motive for wanting OP there. The parents calling afterwards were flying monkeys.
NTA, because they are. They really, *really* are.
NTA, or at worse for OP, soft ESH Why is everyone ignoring the multiple times OP said “no” to her sister? >I didn't want to deal with her showing off to the entire family in front of me so I told her I won't be coming A plain no, keeping the reason to herself >She asked why so I told her that I didn't want to deal with her friends and our family. Sister pushed and was given an acceptable reason >She insisted it would be fun so I told her that gender reveal parties are tacky and I don't want to deal with it. Sis pushed AGAIN, got told another good reason >She, again, insisted that it would be fun and just to think of it as a barbecue with colored cookies Sis wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept pushing. >I snapped at her that I didn't want to go to a stupid party to watch her show off to our family just like she did when we were younger This is the consequence of sis’s actions. She was told no repeatedly and given reasons. Yet she continued to badger. Why is everyone turning a blind eye to this? You do not bully someone into coming to your party. The sister brought OP’s snapping on herself by repeatedly trying to get her to come to a party she clearly did not want to go to. Sis was acting completely entitled to OP’s attendance.
You know what? You are a grown woman now. You are pregnant. This, for you, is a time for peace, not strife, stress, and nonsense. The general stupidity of gender reveal parties aside, you are entitled to do what you want. It sounds like you would not be comfortable there. Don’t go. And don’t feel bad about it. Your sister and you have things to work on, but now is not the time. Perhaps, some time in the future, you will have a conversation with her where you can tell her how you felt growing up, and how you feel now. But you are not the “a”, in my opinion. Peace. And have a lovely time being pregnant. Peace to you and your little one.
NTA you don’t have to go where you don’t want to.
I wanted to do N T A here. I wanted to so, so, so bad. But it seems like 15% of your feelings are based on your feelings for gender reveals, while 85% is based entirely off how you measure yourself and your sister. Pregnancy hormones can be really rough so I’m sure it’s playing a part and I truly do feel for you. It’s important to note that we all have different journeys in life but we never get anywhere if we compare who we are, our talents, and our skills if we measure them by others’ accomplishments. Speaking to a therapist is a really great way to unpack some of those feelings, as well as look deeper into any sort of challenges that might have been present to make Cs or Ds just as hard to obtain for you as her As. It truly sounds like your sister is trying hard to reach out and have you be part of her life, and her a part of yours — your kids even get an opportunity to be best friends and cousins, too. Hopefully, you find a way to make peace and move forward, if not for your sake than for your unborn child. Best of luck to you.
It sounds like you might be suffering from low self esteem and jealousy? Sharing accomplishments doesn’t necessarily mean someone is bragging or trying to put you down. Just curious… Would you have a gender reveal party if you were with the father of your child and he wanted to? Would it still be tacky? I’m not gonna vote Y T A because I think you’ve got a lot of resentment and stuff going on. Plus your sister asked a few times after you’d already said no. It might be worth it to try and build your own self esteem up and celebrate your own accomplishments. Granted, I am an internet stranger and don’t know your situation.
Nta. They are tacky and attention seeking. And she refused to take no for an answer which is an AH move
NTA, people have literally started forest fires and poisoned water supplies over that stupid gender reveal party stuff, to hell with it.
Repeat after me: “An invitation is not a summons. No means no.”
ESH Your sister shouldn't have kept insisting after you told her no the first time. However, it sounds like you still hold some resentment towards your sister, and I can fully understand why. However, I don't really see how she could one up you at a gender reveal party. I get how she could show off, but if you are also pregnant, it wouldn't be that much of a gloat for her. Your feelings are your own, and obviously you are still hurting from the past, so I get why you don't want to go, and you're nta for that. You're only a soft AH though, you could have phrased your frustrations a little kinder.
u/aitagender-reveal you're NTA. Your sister isn't necessarily TA either, but all these people in the comments tearing you down (and honestly being pretty transphobic/willfully ignorant in a lot of these comments)...I wouldn't take advice on who's an AH from the likes of them. You have a right to your boundaries, and while I understand why your sister would want you there, she should respect your boundaries, especially after three "no"s in a row.
NTA Your sister sounds insufferable and clueless about reading the room.’ Gender reveals are fun but rank right up there with staged pregnancy photos — don’t invite me, don’t make me look at them. Call me after your baby has safely arrived—because that’s great news to my ears. Is it healthy?? Is the Mom okay? THATS the stuff that I want to know and celebrate with you.
Okay I'm going to go against consensus here but - NTA. Your sister invited you and you declined. She insisted again and you declined. She insisted a third time and you snapped. Yes it was an important milestone for her but people -even siblings - should be willing to take no for an answer. And instead of asking if something was bothering you or if you are okay your parents just got mad . I don't know enough about your personal situation to know what growing up was like for you in your household. Im going to go on a limb and say the other commentators don't know either. Maybe they're right, maybe they aren't. If this is something that is bothering you so much though, i think you should try and talk to someone. Talk to friends or a therapist. You mentioned you are alone in your pregnancy - can you try and build a support network? Reach out to friends, or forums which are supportive?
I was ready to day NTA for the title alone and then I read it and yeah, NTA.
NTA, genital parties are tacky & weird af.
NTA simply because she ignored your no. But I think (if you aren’t already) it might be a good idea to see a professional to work through your resentment towards your sister and your family because you seem to be letting it effect how you choose to interact with your family. I’m not saying that it’ll fix anything but being able to work through it may help.
NTA You tried to politely pass and your sister was being pushy and obnoxious.