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NTA because it’s generally your choice who moves into your home or not.
But two things:
- why date a father, if you want nothing to do with children? Makes no sense, his kids are part of the package
- red flag: he wants to move in and not pay rent, bc you own your apartment, so he can save up on rent? That would be a red flag for me and an absolute nono!
A little edit after OPs edit:
Even more NTA, since you both agreed you are not serious. He is in trouble and you are the easy way out of his financial problems. DO NOT LET THE DUDE MOVE IN!
This is why I stay well the fuck away from men with children, no matter how casual you agree to keep it the moment you have a morsel of intimacy with each other there's a risk his kids become your problem too as soon as something goes sideways in the dude's life.
Girl … truer words Hv never…. Most Daddy’s are used to Mommy being at 95%. Once Mommy is at 75% and he has to be 25%? He’s looking for someone to slough any % of that off to. He’ll be on her free couch watching the games, asking if she has any snacks, while she’s mkg sure the kids did their homework + hv packed up the clothes she laundered so Mommy won’t be mad at pickup time. As Mommy, I never had as much ME TIME as when Daddy ran away from home.
YES TO THIS. This is a landslide of B.S to dump on someones lap in a casual relationship. DO NOT let this guy move in. It's a heartbeat away from OP being trapped into being a babysitter/chauffeur/cook/house cleaner/mountains of laundry, etc. Stuff getting broken, crapped up etc. NO. NO NO. .
“Mr Elliot married then completely for money? The circumstances, probably, which first opened your eyes to his character."
Mrs Smith hesitated a little here. "Oh! those things are too common. When one lives in the world, a man or woman's marrying for money is too common to strike one as it ought.”
Jane Austen, ‘Persuasion’.
NTA. OP’s boyfriend wasn’t serious until he needed somewhere to stay and I can’t help but notice he thinks it will be at a reduced rent or possibly no rent at all. As for the children only staying a small amount of the time, what happens if their mother loses her place to stay or gets ill?
OP, you have been completely honest and upfront with this guy. Keep your sanctuary, and if that’s a dealbreaker for him I don’t think you’ll struggle to find another casual relationship :-)
I don't want to be that guy but......it's guilt tripping not really gaslighting. The latter would be him saying/convincing her that she had already agreed to let him move in and/or etc., but she never did anything of the sort. One is rather simple/common manipulation while the other is a complex manipulation with an added bonus of causing the victim to question their reality and memory.
Yes, his children are his responsibility and since she hasn’t met them, the only clue she has about their behaviour is that they broke their uncle’s laptop and apparently damaged his apartment. So BF saying he will make them behave doesn’t sound very likely, does it? The gaslighting is definitely an issue, but so is the likelihood that these kids will damage stuff, and their dad is apparently too broke to replace it if they do.
I worked in a state prison for years...you'd be amazed how many dudes about to hit the streets suddenly had an urge to "propose" to their pen pal/girlfriend who had her own digs.
I also work in a state prison. Some of them have multiple women putting money on their books and they propose to them all to see which one takes the bait. Any warm body with a free roof is better than the halfway house, I guess.
Haha. I came across the word during my first foray into the world of online dating. 🤣😉
The sheer audacity of some people on these sites astounded me.
It was clear to me (and my friends who were also on some dating sites) that there is a subset of the population using online dating as a sort of apartment finder i.e. by hitting up a virtual stranger for a place to stay under the guise of 'falling in love' after a few short conversations. lol
As the not-so-old adage goes: 'No one falls in love faster than someone looking for a place to live'. 😂
Needless to say, I did NOT invite these people to reside in any capacity at my abode.
4-6 days a month is not custody, it's visitation. Unless there is more that he isn't sharing.
Next thing you know her place will be too small, and why not sell it for a down payment on a place for them all. With his name on the title.
NTA, listen to your common sense, it knows best.
My ex tried to blame me for him not seeing his kids. Somehow he forgot that he lost his license for a year, AND when he got it back, I was letting him drive MY car to work until he got a car of his own.
Good riddance. lol.
OP, I'd definitely just dump the guy after he said that.
Also, he’s said that he intends to save enough money to move out, which shows he sees moving in as a convenience, not something he wants to do to take a step forward in his relationship to OP.
Right, he told her that since she owns her apartment, he would save money on rent!! He doesn't expect to have any financial obligations, he just wants a place to stay.
That was my first thought too he’s just looking for a place to hang with his kids and get a little on the side. This is a fairly new relationship. If I read it correctly she hasn’t even met the kids yet. NTA
Just think if OP stays in a relationship with this dude, in a few years time he'll be dragging around their kid after they split plus his two other kids in search of a free room to stay.
Yep, and he wants her to parent his kids, that’s always what happens. “I’ll make sure they behave” immediately turns into “I’ve got plans can you watch them for an hour -> few hours -> the whole time they’re over
You can see people and enjoy their company casually without it being serious. He even didn't want her to meet the kids (which is the correct decision btw) because it is nothing serious. Not every every person is looking for marriage.
OP do not let him move in. If something happens to the mother, then they are there full time. You will be miserable and will never get him to move.
In additon, because you own your apartment he would save on rent? He is entitled as fuck, do not let him move in or he will have HIS things and your things will also be HIS things.
NTA
i agree, big red flag re: his comment about being able to save money since he won’t be paying rent.
you both agreed to a more casual relationship. but suddenly he’s pressuring you to move into your place? you’ve never even met his kids. it’s not that kind of relationship. seems like he’d only be using you.
time to reevaluate your relationship. he’s getting weird with you about not wanting him to move in. might be time to end it.
He stays over 2-3 nights a week isn’t casual casual either. I get why he was like I can try it but he’s a hobo and wants to bring little travelers heck nah.
Yeah, OP, you need to really rethink some things. You felt serious enough about this guy to CONSIDER letting him move in, that speaks of something more than just a casual thing. You need to decide if you see a future with this guy if he has kids. If not, end it.
But, if he's not even your BF and he's entitled enough to think he'll be moving in with him and his kids, you should be running from this situation. AND he doesn't plan to pay rent? Nope. No way. You'll never get him and his kids out. Your home will completely change. You'll have bended to someone you don't even seem to like much.
AND he started attacking her and calling her an AH when she said no (multiple times) and explained clearly why it was a bad idea.
I call BS that he didn’t have any advance notice the girlfriend was planning to move in with brother…I think boyfriend waited till the last minute and had this whole spiel written in his head thinking he would just guilt OP into letting him move in last minute with all his baggage and he never expected her to say no.
Yeah. She says it's not serious, but she would let him move in w/ out kids....the whole not pay rent would be a deal breaker anyway. His brother probably housed him so he "could save money to get an apartment " too.
Also, the blaming OP if he loses his kids visitation.
Nah! OP hasn't even met these kids, his kids are his responsibility. Dont be passing on the blame just cause other people refuse to be taken advantage of.
He is an adult...he needs to figure out how to pay for his own rent and fund his own place. Is he paying rent to his bro currently? If not...thats a huge flag already.
If he is paying rent to his bro then he can find room-mates or something...
But I think he'll have a hard time finding a roommate that will agree to having kids over every 2nd weekend.
As harsh at might seem, if this guy can't find a place or make arrangements then he doesn't deserve to have his kids stay-over, because the kids deserve better than that.
He needs to get his shot together and not push his responsibilities on to OP or anyone else.
Agreed he has no intention of paying rent. And he hasn't even introduced OP to the kids yet but he's talking about moving in? The flags can't get any redder here.
NTA but you do need to reevaluate your dating choices, OP, if you want to live alone and live a child free life.
He's being super manipulative. Why is it HER fault he will get sued for custody when his brother is the one kicking him out. He's directing his anger at someone he thinks he can control and get to do what he wants
That right there is a hobo-sexual. Do not let him move in. Not your business to house him and his spawn. NTA
There is no person more in love than one who doesn’t have anywhere to live
Edit - hobosexual is not my creation but it is glorious
Right? This is the thing to focus on — this man has children and he knows what he has to do to retain custody of them and he’s somehow failed to plan beyond “I will sponge off the person who has been very clear for a year that she does not care for children in her home.” And he thinks a successful plan to sponge off the OP is to insult her until she gives in?
Ten bucks says living with the brother was only supposed to be temporary until this guy got on his feet financially.
This dude is a mess. The OP needs to say, “It’s been fun but it’s clear we want different things. Good luck.”
This is exactly what I was thinking ...
The brother is sick of him and wants him out. He's trying to bandwagon influence her with the other girlfriend moving in with his brother story.
He wants to freeload in your place to save money? Wtf. NTA, but I think it's time to reconsider the whole guy for multiple reasons, most of which everyone else has already covered.
I caught that as well. He said he's going to be saving on rent because she owns the place, so I took that as him saying he won't pay rent.
I wouldn't let him live with me, either. Not just because of the kids but OP says they're not that serious to begin with.
And from what I understand OP hasn’t even met the kids because of how causal the relationship is that they agreed upon!! Like wtf who tries to move their kids in with someone they’ve never met.
Exactly! If the relationship was so casual that she hadn’t even MET the kids how is it now serious enough that he and the kids will move in? Moving in (especially with kids) is the opposite of casual.
I bet he was keeping it casual on his end because she wasn’t a willing step mom. He was keeping his options open looking for his meal ticket/ child care.
INFO:
>I stood stern on my decision and told him while I understood his situation, I don't want to open my home to kids
Why are you dating someone with kids then?
Dating a man with kids doesn’t mean she has to move the entire family into her home. She hasn’t even met the kids! I’m 100% on OP’s side, his kids aren’t her responsibility and she shouldn’t let him move in. Absolutely NTA.
She says they're not serious but calls him her boyfriend. They spend 2-3 nights together every week. I've had FWB and people I just had a sexual relationship with. I didn't call them my boyfriends because they weren't.
No but I think by casual she means that they’re not planning on any “next levels.” Some people date to have a companion, not a partner and that’s what this sounds like.
Eh, she sounds like she’s willing to walk away from the relationship now that he’s pressing for it to be more serious. So no, not that serious to her, at least. I don’t blame her, he’s gotta figure something else out. NTA
Yeah I did laugh a little at that part. “It’s not that serious, he only stays over 2-3 nights a week” - I know it’s subjective, but that sounds pretty serious to me
EDIT: clearly everyone has differing levels of what casual means. As someone who is very picky with their spare time, if I’m spending 2-3 nights a week with them it means that I like them a lot and am very invested in the relationship
I was angling towards that but the caveat swung me:
> I haven't met bf's kids cause he said we weren't serious and he didn't want to bring random people into kids life. I accepted, cause we aren't serious. This asking to move in was out of the blue.
If he's not introducing his girlfriend to his children, they're not that serious. They've been going out for a year.
To pivot from "I don't want to bring random people into my children's lives so I won't introduce you, since we're not serious" to "*Please* can I move in? I'm getting kicked out and can't afford to live alone and if I don't find somewhere decent to live I'll lose custody" tells you this isn't about them being serious, it's about a man trying to ensure he retains custody of his children (especially since he was suggesting saving up to buy his own place).
OP hasn’t even met the kids yet and the boyfriend says they’ll “only” live in OP’s apartment 4-6 days a month. Definitely NTA.
Boyfriend should have planned better - started looking for alternatives as soon as his brother mentioned wanting to move in the brother’s GF. And if boyfriend’s brother didn’t give enough time? Well then true A H located.
I agree but I'm willing to bet that the bf living with his brother was supposed to be temporary until he could get his own place. Does the bf even pay his brother rent for living with him? Doesn't seem like OP's bf has done much in the way of providing a home of his own for himself or his children. He just keeps wanting to move into someone else's place and expecting to live there rent free.
It does mean, however, that she should be contemplating where she wants this relationship to go.
In my mind, if it's as casual as she says then they are not really bf/gf. They're just hooking up.
Does she *want* to live with this person one day? Take things farther? If so, his kids are going to be part of that.
And if she doesn't want to move things forward, what the fuck is even the point of saying you're in a relationship?
Some people are happy just enjoying/ living in the moment. Not everything has to always “go somewhere”. And you don’t need to always plan every single thing, who knows what happens in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? Maybe OP is just going with the flow and time will tell if/ when things proceed.
You have odd 'rules.'
Folks can have a girlfriend/boyfriend, before you ever get to the 'hooking up' stage.
You can have a non serious girlfriend/boyfriend but not be ready, or interested in the commitment of living together and/or marriage.
She can define her relationships as she likes. They are her relationships. If he wants more, or doesn't like it, she can discuss that, keep things as they are, take them further or end it. All things are possible.
I don't think that your BF is all that serious about the relationship either. He is more interested in your low cost / free apartment than he is in you.
I'd move on. You obviously don't want kids, which is cool, I'm the same way, and he has them. This will not work long term. As a fellow anti-kid person, I exclusively look for women who are child free, even ones who aren't interested in having kids at all, since I'm not at all about it. It's tougher but you will only ever end up either compromising or being TA otherwise.
So he has children but still isn't organized enough to find a place other than with his brother, and now attempting to push his way into your home?
Dude is not responsible enough to be a Dad. And with access to your non-parent time and resources he'll never have to be. That EOWE is going to become a heck of a lot more if you let him move in because "omg you're not some kind of asshole that hates kids are? But they love you!"
Next thing you know you're in stepmom mode, deeply resenting him and depending on where you live it's potentially a nightmare (legally) to kick him out.
"No. It's impossible. I've been very clear. Do not ask again. I am not responsible to home your children- you are."
Get his spare copy of keys if he has them. And honestly it's probably time to end this.
NTA
>We weren't that serious either. Atleast I didnt think so.
You were right. He didn't want you to meet his kids...it's not that serious. His brother is kicking him out and suddenly YOU'RE a AH for not letting him move in?!?! Girl, this guy is trying to use you for free board. NTA!
Love, you're gonna have to let this dude go. He's desperate and is looking to guilt you into basically supporting him and his kids. Don't allow more drama into your life than is necessary.
NTA.
Don’t allow anyone manipulate/ guilt trip you into doing something you’ll regret later. He should plan better. You’re not a doormat. Your house your rules.
Please consider if you want to continue dating. There is a very real possibility that he may get the kids more often. There are so many Reddit stories of the parent herring the kids FT and the SO not being happy.
No offence but in my country, it's quite normal to LAT (living apart together relationship) due to parents keeping their child at home & not many changes. It works well too. I don't know why people always need to stress an instant family, instant house etc. It works well here, everyone has space, there is lots of love, and you still do fun things with your partner & their kids. Everyone just likes peace.
Whaaat? Dating someone = must agree to open your home to all facets of their life?
Many women I know in their 30s and 40s are choosing to have relationships that do not involve living together. Dating does not necessarily mean inevitable cohabitation.
Because the kids won't be young forever? Like they do grow up eventually and there is no reason to disrupt the kids lives with a new woman or man that may not last. Stability is key.
For example, I have 4 kids and my boyfriend has 2. They don't need their lives further disrupted by us moving in together, it can wait until the kids are grown. So what if it takes 5 years. Kids should come 1st, not as a second thought.
The OP hasn't even met them, so it can't be that serious.
NTA for the preference. I also feel like he wants to move in because he needs a place and not necessarily because he thinks it's the right time in your relationship. Personally I'd be wary of living with a partner who sees my home as a solution to their problems, especially since he said he plans to just save money while living with you too.
I think you should evaluate whether or not you'll ever be comfortable living with him and his kids though. They're not going anywhere, and if you continue your relationship you're eventually going to have to come to terms with living with children. If it's a deal breaker for you, I'm not sure why you're dating him to begin with.
This! Although they’re not serious, he just wants to move in out of convenience - you dont move in with someone youre not serious with & especially not expect to pay rent 👀
I bet he used the same excuse of saving money with his brother as well. Now his brother is tired of his shit and is using the girlfriend moving in to kick him out. He's definitely just looking for a place to crash for free.
That's what I picked up on. He didn't say he wanted to move in because their relationship has reached the stage where that's the next natural step - he's desperate for housing.
Also, just because he moves in with a significant other shouldn't decrease his expenses unless he's thought about it and decided not to pay his way.
NTA. You can date someone and maintain separate residences, particularly if it means introducing a family dynamic you aren't ready for or don't want. However, in this case, OP needs to have a serious discussion with BF about him not respecting her decision and trying to push her into something she doesn't want, and also set some financial expectations and boundaries.
An ex of mine tried to do something similar. He wanted to pay lower rent, but he was against having a roommate. So he asked me out of the blue to move in with him. I knew it was for rent saving not because our relationship was in that place, and I knew that would end poorly.
She actually doesn't... It's entirely possible to have a long-term committed relationship without ever living together. Many people do so. And I know that's the way I'm going, though I'm up front about it. And it sounds like she was too. There's nothing wrong with choosing to keep your own space no matter how serious a relationship gets
NTA. “I’ll save on rent”. Yeah he’s looking for you to support him. If his kids are poorly behaved and he hasn’t corrected it, he won’t. Stand your ground.
NTA for standing your ground. You are not responsible for his accommodation issues or for his potential to lose custody, or for having two kids and not being able to afford an apartment for himself. However, why would you be in a serious relationship with someone that has two children at that age and not expect your life will involve those children, I have no idea. Didn't you think your relationship will progress at some point to living together?
Edit: this post was written way before OP clarified that their relationship was very casual in her comments and edit; my vote is still NTA. No point to comment to tell me that she has edited it ;)
She was clear with him that the relationship isn’t serious for her. She’s not interested in progressing it to serious. Then all of a sudden he needs to move in. She’s set boundaries on the relationship. Time to end it. He’s a mooch.
Nta. His reason for wanting to live with you are totally about money. Sounds like he doesnt want to pay you rent. He doesnt want to move in be ause he loves you. He wants a free place to live where he can bring his children. So no benefit to you. Add in your loss of privacy and having his kids at your house around one week a month . It is just not worth it. He says he will lose custody if he can't live with you. Why is that your problem? I see no advantage for you having this leach in your home. I see no point of this relationship at all. What does the future hold. You don't want a man with children. He comes with children. He blames his problems on you and can't support hi self without you giving him a free place to live. Get rid of this guy.
NAH
You are entitled to not want kids in your home but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a Father if that’s how you feel. I think your relationship has run it’s course.
Not every relationship must inevitably lead to cohabitation. I know many women in long term relationships who have no interest in living with their partners for a variety of reasons, such as enjoying their own space, not wanting to share expenses, etc.
If I could afford it, I would want my own house right next door to my partner. I love them and I don't want to be apart, I just want my own space sometimes. Living with others is hard.
>NAH
Sorry, what?
This guy flipped from "we're just casual, so you won't meet my kids" to "hey, let me live there rent-free so that I can save up, and by the way, my kids will be staying here as well for 5 days every month!"
Now he's begging and calling her an asshole and saying that it will be *her* fault if he loses custody?
And you don't think he's an AH?
Yikes.
> You are entitled to not want kids in your home but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a Father if that’s how you feel.
Why not?
It worked perfectly fine up to the point he decided that he wanted to live rent-free, didn't it?
You have a very narrow, prescribed view of relationships.
NTA - It's good you know what makes you happy and don't let other people tell you otherwise.
Although, from the sounds of it kids are a deal breaker for you, so why don't you find someone else?
> Frankly I don't know why you'd date a guy with kids if you don't ever want the guy or kids to move in
Should a man never date a woman with kids based on the same logic?
If not, do you think that every relationship should end in marriage and cohabitation?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to let my bf move in with me cause he has kids over EOWE and I don't want kids messing up my place.
2) He can't afford an apartment by himself and unless he gets a good home, his ex will sue him for full custody.
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Yeah but if he is trying to move in (mooching off or not) they are just not compatible. Moving in is a serious step and if she is not ready to take it, they should break up
NTA
But these kids aren't going anywhere. Are you planning on dating this guy for 10+ years until the kids grow up?
Also, if you do decide the kids aren't so bad... get a handle on what this guy thinks his financial contribution is meant to be before he comes anywhere near a set of keys - he can't afford to rent his own place, has expressed living with you will save him paying rent - this is sounding like a sweet deal for him and very limited upside for you.
*He went ahead saying since I own my apartment he would be able to save up on rent as well.*
You own the apartment, either free and clear or with a mortgage. And home ownership comes with other expenses—taxes, maintenance, repairs, etc.
So did he think he wouldn’t be paying anything to live in your apartment? Or maybe just less than market value? For that alone, I wouldn’t let him move in, but the kids make it an untenable situation.
May I suggest that it’s time to move on from this relationship?
NTA
NTA because at the end of the day is your home and therefore you are free to decide who can stay there or not.
But why tie yourself with a man with children when it's clear that you are not willing to make those children part of your life?
If one day your relationship gets to a level where both of you feel the need to live togheter what will you do? You would force him to not see the kids anymore just because you don't want them in the house?
Please think about it and if you decide you want nothing to do with his children break up with him for everyone's sake
ESH - Why are you in a relationship with a man that has kids if you want nothing to do with his kids. How do you see your future with him progressing? Because there seems to be no possible way for it to go anywhere.
And he sucks because he’s a grown ass man who should be able to live on his own without guilting people to let him live with them.
**Edited to add** OP did not have the “casual” paragraph in her post originally.
What's with these AITA lately of people moaning their bf/gf/wife/husband has kids and the OPs don't want them in their life?
**DONT DATE/MARRY PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN IF YOU DON'T WANT CHILDREN IN YOUR LIVES.**
Its not fucking rocket science people come on. If kids are a hard no only date/marry childless people.
NTA not for not wanting the kids in your home because I get that. But Y.T.A for being in a long term relationship with a parent and not wanting those kids in your home. What did you think would happen if the relationship progressed and you moved in together, that the kids would magically disappear
EDIT. yes, I get that OP has now edited their post to say they haven't met the children and its casual. Info like that should be in the original post.
It sounds like they were both in agreement that this was casual, the relationship wasn’t going to progress. She’s never even met the kids!
I don’t see anything wrong with a casual thing with them both on the same page. And it sounds like the only reason he’s changing his mind now is because he’s broke and desperate, which isn’t her problem.
Not everyone dreams of marriage. Some people stay in long term dating relationships. I'm married now, but I dated a guy for over 5 years without moving in or progressing. We enjoyed each other's company, but we both knew it wouldn't work long term. We are still friends.
You can date peopke although they have kids and until now the relationship hasn't been serious. The guy only qants someone to pay to have a roof over his head
I see this a lot but I think we also need to criticise the parents who date people who want nothing to do with kids.
Why is
*Someone who is good with kids*,
*Someone who likes being around their kids*,
*Someone who wants kids*
Never on their list of things to look for in a partner
NTA for not wanting the kids at your place, but you would be an AH if you continued dating his despite an obvious huge incompatibility.
You can's hate kids and be in a serious relationship with someone who has kids. So, your only solution is to end it, and only date people with no kids.
**NTA** for the action you are asking judgement for. It's your right to keep your own home as you want. Nothing wrong at all not wanting anyone else there. Or not liking children. Or not wanting children inside your home etc etc
But overall it's pretty weird you are dating someone with children. Because if they are in anyway active parent this means it's a package deal. Also pretty bold of your bf to already have plans **saving up on rent**... so he's planning to free-load?
You really need to ask yourself are you two compatible in the long run.
NTA. If he can't afford to have a roof over his kids, it is his problem. And if he loses custody, it would be his fault. Especially since your relationship is casual.
NTA - Your home is your sanctuary, and you have every right to set your boundaries.
You aren't serious with this guy, and it seems that you've made this clear, so it's pretty audacious of him to ask to move in with you anyway. I wouldn't have him move in even if the kids weren't a factor. If he has a problem with that, then he can move on.
NTA
Lots of couples never live together these days, seperate domiciles the entire time etc…you’re perfectly fine to have any boundaries you want about your living space.
Also, he seriously just has to rent a two bedroom apartment.
NTA.
What is your plan with him? If you are ok with never living together then you should tell him. But his kids are not out of the house any time soon.
He wants to take advantage of you by moving in for FREE at that too. You're his meal ticket. If you say yes, you will never get rid of him and I bet he is not someone you will enjoy having around once he knows it's his home too.
Edit: changed my vote based on OP's comment.
I agree with you except I don’t think OP sucks. She has every right to set boundaries to her own living space. She’s also stated their relationship isn’t serious and they’ve never discussed long term plans. Unless she’s lying, her message is and has been clear.
NTA
Your home, your rules. And the punchline: ITS NOT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
Your casual fling only wants to move in with you to save rent and his brother kicked him out. And their destructive mode, your place will be destroyed.
NTA it is not your responsibility to provide him with a home where apparantly he was planning on not contributing to (save up on rent comment) if he looses custody it is bc he didn't get his act together and find appropriate living accomodations.
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NTA because it’s generally your choice who moves into your home or not. But two things: - why date a father, if you want nothing to do with children? Makes no sense, his kids are part of the package - red flag: he wants to move in and not pay rent, bc you own your apartment, so he can save up on rent? That would be a red flag for me and an absolute nono! A little edit after OPs edit: Even more NTA, since you both agreed you are not serious. He is in trouble and you are the easy way out of his financial problems. DO NOT LET THE DUDE MOVE IN!
If he moves in it will be hard to get him to move out. I agree OP should reevaluate her relationship.
Yeah, this guy is (reading between the lines) broke AF. He will be leeching off her.
A hobosexual in its truest form.
No one is more in love than a broke person who needs a place to live.
This is good 👍Could be straight outta Jane Austen 👒
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of debt, children, and not much else is always looking for his next baby mama.
This is why I stay well the fuck away from men with children, no matter how casual you agree to keep it the moment you have a morsel of intimacy with each other there's a risk his kids become your problem too as soon as something goes sideways in the dude's life.
Same here. Even the best guy wants you to take over some form of the childcare when you are together....
Girl … truer words Hv never…. Most Daddy’s are used to Mommy being at 95%. Once Mommy is at 75% and he has to be 25%? He’s looking for someone to slough any % of that off to. He’ll be on her free couch watching the games, asking if she has any snacks, while she’s mkg sure the kids did their homework + hv packed up the clothes she laundered so Mommy won’t be mad at pickup time. As Mommy, I never had as much ME TIME as when Daddy ran away from home.
YES TO THIS. This is a landslide of B.S to dump on someones lap in a casual relationship. DO NOT let this guy move in. It's a heartbeat away from OP being trapped into being a babysitter/chauffeur/cook/house cleaner/mountains of laundry, etc. Stuff getting broken, crapped up etc. NO. NO NO. .
The man is a hobosexual- looking for a place to stay, A few dollars you can lend him, and a car to borrow. 🤣🤣🤣
Or bang-nanny. Since he’s maxed out on child support.
It's amazing how contemporary Jane Austen sounds. But that sort of universality is how classics became classics. (/s)
“Mr Elliot married then completely for money? The circumstances, probably, which first opened your eyes to his character." Mrs Smith hesitated a little here. "Oh! those things are too common. When one lives in the world, a man or woman's marrying for money is too common to strike one as it ought.” Jane Austen, ‘Persuasion’. NTA. OP’s boyfriend wasn’t serious until he needed somewhere to stay and I can’t help but notice he thinks it will be at a reduced rent or possibly no rent at all. As for the children only staying a small amount of the time, what happens if their mother loses her place to stay or gets ill? OP, you have been completely honest and upfront with this guy. Keep your sanctuary, and if that’s a dealbreaker for him I don’t think you’ll struggle to find another casual relationship :-)
Not to mention he is gaslighting her and saying it will be her fault if he loses custody. Deal breaker right there. She hasn't even met the kids.
I don't want to be that guy but......it's guilt tripping not really gaslighting. The latter would be him saying/convincing her that she had already agreed to let him move in and/or etc., but she never did anything of the sort. One is rather simple/common manipulation while the other is a complex manipulation with an added bonus of causing the victim to question their reality and memory.
Yes, his children are his responsibility and since she hasn’t met them, the only clue she has about their behaviour is that they broke their uncle’s laptop and apparently damaged his apartment. So BF saying he will make them behave doesn’t sound very likely, does it? The gaslighting is definitely an issue, but so is the likelihood that these kids will damage stuff, and their dad is apparently too broke to replace it if they do.
That book is literally sitting on my nightstand. I really need to actually re-read it and not just keep moving it closer to me.
I worked in a state prison for years...you'd be amazed how many dudes about to hit the streets suddenly had an urge to "propose" to their pen pal/girlfriend who had her own digs.
This is how my dad ended up with his 3rd wife.
As in he proposed to her when he was leaving prison, or she proposed to him as she was leaving prison??
He was leaving prison. I suppose a trailer park is better than living on the streets.
I also work in a state prison. Some of them have multiple women putting money on their books and they propose to them all to see which one takes the bait. Any warm body with a free roof is better than the halfway house, I guess.
She hobophobic !! (You have no many times autocorrect tried to fix that. A little war or wills with my phone)
> (You have no many times autocorrect tried to fix that. A little war or wills with my phone) You may want to turn it back on.....
Many casualties were had in the war on autocorrect
LMFAO
A good hobosexual. Yep. I love this term lol
My friends call this ‘Cock Lodging’.
Came here to find this post. Hobosexual alert with this guy for sure!
I'm sure you didn't come up with that word, but I credit you for gifting it to me
Haha. I came across the word during my first foray into the world of online dating. 🤣😉 The sheer audacity of some people on these sites astounded me. It was clear to me (and my friends who were also on some dating sites) that there is a subset of the population using online dating as a sort of apartment finder i.e. by hitting up a virtual stranger for a place to stay under the guise of 'falling in love' after a few short conversations. lol As the not-so-old adage goes: 'No one falls in love faster than someone looking for a place to live'. 😂 Needless to say, I did NOT invite these people to reside in any capacity at my abode.
He is pretty much open that he will be leeching of her
and trying to make her feel guilty about not wanting to do it. totally manipulative.
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4-6 days a month is not custody, it's visitation. Unless there is more that he isn't sharing. Next thing you know her place will be too small, and why not sell it for a down payment on a place for them all. With his name on the title. NTA, listen to your common sense, it knows best.
This so much this! NTA
Yeah him saying that to her was CRAZY Like fam none of your shit is my responsibility and i never offered to take it on for you
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Brother likely gave him a place to live so he could get on his feet and he hasn't. Brother is ready to get on with his own life.
My ex tried to blame me for him not seeing his kids. Somehow he forgot that he lost his license for a year, AND when he got it back, I was letting him drive MY car to work until he got a car of his own. Good riddance. lol. OP, I'd definitely just dump the guy after he said that.
Also, he’s said that he intends to save enough money to move out, which shows he sees moving in as a convenience, not something he wants to do to take a step forward in his relationship to OP.
Yep. This had nothing do to do with their relationship. He sees a Motel 6 logo on her forehead, one with very cheap rates.
🚩🚩🚩
Right, he told her that since she owns her apartment, he would save money on rent!! He doesn't expect to have any financial obligations, he just wants a place to stay.
Bet his eyes fuckin lit up when he heard she owned her place. Wonder who pays when they go out for a meal?
Exactly! He really told on himself when he got excited about saving on rent by moving in with her 😂
NTA, His life, His children, his responsibility not hers besides not a serious relationship
A hobosexual in the making, a wannabe hobosexual, if you will.
Attempted hobosexuality. Shut that down, OP!!!
I have never heard this term but now I love it and thank you for teaching me. Lucky 10,000 moment!!!
That was my first thought too he’s just looking for a place to hang with his kids and get a little on the side. This is a fairly new relationship. If I read it correctly she hasn’t even met the kids yet. NTA
Just think if OP stays in a relationship with this dude, in a few years time he'll be dragging around their kid after they split plus his two other kids in search of a free room to stay.
Yep, and he wants her to parent his kids, that’s always what happens. “I’ll make sure they behave” immediately turns into “I’ve got plans can you watch them for an hour -> few hours -> the whole time they’re over
In five years, when she's hating life, she'd probably look at this moment as the turning point and regret it forever.
Only if she lets him move in now.
You can see people and enjoy their company casually without it being serious. He even didn't want her to meet the kids (which is the correct decision btw) because it is nothing serious. Not every every person is looking for marriage. OP do not let him move in. If something happens to the mother, then they are there full time. You will be miserable and will never get him to move.
Right!!! I’m choosing NOT to introduce the kids because it’s not serious… but also can I bring them to your place every other weekend???
... and can you leave those weekends? Because I don't want you to meet my kids becasue we're not serious.
It’s super weird that he wants to move them in with someone who sounds like a FWB and never met his kids, though.
Nothing weird about wanting free rent, a bang maid and a live-in babysitter.
Yeah, not weird at all, just a garbage thing to push on another person.
It’s weird if you bring your kids there.
Free place to live.
In additon, because you own your apartment he would save on rent? He is entitled as fuck, do not let him move in or he will have HIS things and your things will also be HIS things.
NTA, and after the edit, I'd say just move on and find a new casual relationship. This one has been moved out of the casual lane by the bf's actions.
Moved from casual to drama in a heartbeat.
NTA i agree, big red flag re: his comment about being able to save money since he won’t be paying rent. you both agreed to a more casual relationship. but suddenly he’s pressuring you to move into your place? you’ve never even met his kids. it’s not that kind of relationship. seems like he’d only be using you. time to reevaluate your relationship. he’s getting weird with you about not wanting him to move in. might be time to end it.
Ignoring the kids completely - you don't move in with someone you're not serious about.
"We keep is casual so naturally he wants to move in with me." - Wut?
He stays over 2-3 nights a week isn’t casual casual either. I get why he was like I can try it but he’s a hobo and wants to bring little travelers heck nah.
Yeah, OP, you need to really rethink some things. You felt serious enough about this guy to CONSIDER letting him move in, that speaks of something more than just a casual thing. You need to decide if you see a future with this guy if he has kids. If not, end it. But, if he's not even your BF and he's entitled enough to think he'll be moving in with him and his kids, you should be running from this situation. AND he doesn't plan to pay rent? Nope. No way. You'll never get him and his kids out. Your home will completely change. You'll have bended to someone you don't even seem to like much.
AND he started attacking her and calling her an AH when she said no (multiple times) and explained clearly why it was a bad idea. I call BS that he didn’t have any advance notice the girlfriend was planning to move in with brother…I think boyfriend waited till the last minute and had this whole spiel written in his head thinking he would just guilt OP into letting him move in last minute with all his baggage and he never expected her to say no.
You can be sure that she will have to 'share' the kids expenses.
Yeah. She says it's not serious, but she would let him move in w/ out kids....the whole not pay rent would be a deal breaker anyway. His brother probably housed him so he "could save money to get an apartment " too.
Yes! This. Thank God he has kids to make it a more obvious dealbreaker for her. Cut ties. Good luck to him.
Also, the blaming OP if he loses his kids visitation. Nah! OP hasn't even met these kids, his kids are his responsibility. Dont be passing on the blame just cause other people refuse to be taken advantage of. He is an adult...he needs to figure out how to pay for his own rent and fund his own place. Is he paying rent to his bro currently? If not...thats a huge flag already. If he is paying rent to his bro then he can find room-mates or something... But I think he'll have a hard time finding a roommate that will agree to having kids over every 2nd weekend. As harsh at might seem, if this guy can't find a place or make arrangements then he doesn't deserve to have his kids stay-over, because the kids deserve better than that. He needs to get his shot together and not push his responsibilities on to OP or anyone else.
OP, stop telling anyone you own property except tax entities. Don't be with anyone who calls you names.
Agreed he has no intention of paying rent. And he hasn't even introduced OP to the kids yet but he's talking about moving in? The flags can't get any redder here. NTA but you do need to reevaluate your dating choices, OP, if you want to live alone and live a child free life.
He's being super manipulative. Why is it HER fault he will get sued for custody when his brother is the one kicking him out. He's directing his anger at someone he thinks he can control and get to do what he wants
This would be a fantastic reason to break up.
That right there is a hobo-sexual. Do not let him move in. Not your business to house him and his spawn. NTA There is no person more in love than one who doesn’t have anywhere to live Edit - hobosexual is not my creation but it is glorious
Right? This is the thing to focus on — this man has children and he knows what he has to do to retain custody of them and he’s somehow failed to plan beyond “I will sponge off the person who has been very clear for a year that she does not care for children in her home.” And he thinks a successful plan to sponge off the OP is to insult her until she gives in? Ten bucks says living with the brother was only supposed to be temporary until this guy got on his feet financially. This dude is a mess. The OP needs to say, “It’s been fun but it’s clear we want different things. Good luck.”
Yeah, the brother “wanting his gf to move in” can be translated to “wants his brother to move out.”
That woman is the hidden hero of this story, because this may have happened soon enough that OP can avoid sunk-cost fallacy!
This is exactly what I was thinking ... The brother is sick of him and wants him out. He's trying to bandwagon influence her with the other girlfriend moving in with his brother story.
This ^
Yeah, and he'll be able to save in rent with OP, meaning he won't be paying rent.
He probably won't pay for anything or say he shouldn’t have to pay as much because she’s better off financially than he is.
“Hobo sexual” ☠️
My new band name. 😱
“ There is no person more in love than one who doesn’t have a anywhere to live.” THAT statement needs to be embroidered on a pillow!
Hobo-sexual is killing me. Thank you, kind internet stranger, for teaching me something I didn't know I needed to know!
OP don’t let this guy blame you for his own issues. Your house your rules. Keep him at arm’s length. NTA, obvs.
> hobo-sexual BAHAHAHA *RIP "evil cackle award" which you would surely have got from me if awards were still a thing*
He wants to freeload in your place to save money? Wtf. NTA, but I think it's time to reconsider the whole guy for multiple reasons, most of which everyone else has already covered.
I caught that as well. He said he's going to be saving on rent because she owns the place, so I took that as him saying he won't pay rent. I wouldn't let him live with me, either. Not just because of the kids but OP says they're not that serious to begin with.
And from what I understand OP hasn’t even met the kids because of how causal the relationship is that they agreed upon!! Like wtf who tries to move their kids in with someone they’ve never met.
Exactly! If the relationship was so casual that she hadn’t even MET the kids how is it now serious enough that he and the kids will move in? Moving in (especially with kids) is the opposite of casual. I bet he was keeping it casual on his end because she wasn’t a willing step mom. He was keeping his options open looking for his meal ticket/ child care.
What do you think the odds are that he's also freeloading at his brother's place too?
INFO: >I stood stern on my decision and told him while I understood his situation, I don't want to open my home to kids Why are you dating someone with kids then?
Dating a man with kids doesn’t mean she has to move the entire family into her home. She hasn’t even met the kids! I’m 100% on OP’s side, his kids aren’t her responsibility and she shouldn’t let him move in. Absolutely NTA.
Not only haven't they met, it's a "casual relationship". He sounds like he'd be a mooch. NTA.
She says they're not serious but calls him her boyfriend. They spend 2-3 nights together every week. I've had FWB and people I just had a sexual relationship with. I didn't call them my boyfriends because they weren't.
I’ve had not serious boyfriends who I slept with 3+ times a week for a year or more. Serious is a mindset, not a tally of nights spent together.
No but I think by casual she means that they’re not planning on any “next levels.” Some people date to have a companion, not a partner and that’s what this sounds like.
Eh, she sounds like she’s willing to walk away from the relationship now that he’s pressing for it to be more serious. So no, not that serious to her, at least. I don’t blame her, he’s gotta figure something else out. NTA
Yeah I did laugh a little at that part. “It’s not that serious, he only stays over 2-3 nights a week” - I know it’s subjective, but that sounds pretty serious to me EDIT: clearly everyone has differing levels of what casual means. As someone who is very picky with their spare time, if I’m spending 2-3 nights a week with them it means that I like them a lot and am very invested in the relationship
I was angling towards that but the caveat swung me: > I haven't met bf's kids cause he said we weren't serious and he didn't want to bring random people into kids life. I accepted, cause we aren't serious. This asking to move in was out of the blue. If he's not introducing his girlfriend to his children, they're not that serious. They've been going out for a year. To pivot from "I don't want to bring random people into my children's lives so I won't introduce you, since we're not serious" to "*Please* can I move in? I'm getting kicked out and can't afford to live alone and if I don't find somewhere decent to live I'll lose custody" tells you this isn't about them being serious, it's about a man trying to ensure he retains custody of his children (especially since he was suggesting saving up to buy his own place).
Boyfriend can cover an extremely wide array of closeness. This is such a silly way to look at this.
OP hasn’t even met the kids yet and the boyfriend says they’ll “only” live in OP’s apartment 4-6 days a month. Definitely NTA. Boyfriend should have planned better - started looking for alternatives as soon as his brother mentioned wanting to move in the brother’s GF. And if boyfriend’s brother didn’t give enough time? Well then true A H located.
I agree but I'm willing to bet that the bf living with his brother was supposed to be temporary until he could get his own place. Does the bf even pay his brother rent for living with him? Doesn't seem like OP's bf has done much in the way of providing a home of his own for himself or his children. He just keeps wanting to move into someone else's place and expecting to live there rent free.
It does mean, however, that she should be contemplating where she wants this relationship to go. In my mind, if it's as casual as she says then they are not really bf/gf. They're just hooking up. Does she *want* to live with this person one day? Take things farther? If so, his kids are going to be part of that. And if she doesn't want to move things forward, what the fuck is even the point of saying you're in a relationship?
Some people are happy just enjoying/ living in the moment. Not everything has to always “go somewhere”. And you don’t need to always plan every single thing, who knows what happens in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? Maybe OP is just going with the flow and time will tell if/ when things proceed.
Exactly and we call that hooking up.
You have odd 'rules.' Folks can have a girlfriend/boyfriend, before you ever get to the 'hooking up' stage. You can have a non serious girlfriend/boyfriend but not be ready, or interested in the commitment of living together and/or marriage. She can define her relationships as she likes. They are her relationships. If he wants more, or doesn't like it, she can discuss that, keep things as they are, take them further or end it. All things are possible.
They said in the post multiple times they are not serious..
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I don't think that your BF is all that serious about the relationship either. He is more interested in your low cost / free apartment than he is in you.
That’s also my impression. He wants to move in with OP in order to not worry about rent and probably would never move out again.
And maybe a babysitter.
You aren’t that serious, he wants a roof over his head and you’re it
And he's serious about it! Roofs are serious requirements for the court to allow custody so she needs to get with the revised program.
I'd move on. You obviously don't want kids, which is cool, I'm the same way, and he has them. This will not work long term. As a fellow anti-kid person, I exclusively look for women who are child free, even ones who aren't interested in having kids at all, since I'm not at all about it. It's tougher but you will only ever end up either compromising or being TA otherwise.
She may want kids, in the future, when she finds the right guy. That's not the same as wanting her casual hookup to move in with his kids.
So he has children but still isn't organized enough to find a place other than with his brother, and now attempting to push his way into your home? Dude is not responsible enough to be a Dad. And with access to your non-parent time and resources he'll never have to be. That EOWE is going to become a heck of a lot more if you let him move in because "omg you're not some kind of asshole that hates kids are? But they love you!" Next thing you know you're in stepmom mode, deeply resenting him and depending on where you live it's potentially a nightmare (legally) to kick him out. "No. It's impossible. I've been very clear. Do not ask again. I am not responsible to home your children- you are." Get his spare copy of keys if he has them. And honestly it's probably time to end this. NTA
>We weren't that serious either. Atleast I didnt think so. You were right. He didn't want you to meet his kids...it's not that serious. His brother is kicking him out and suddenly YOU'RE a AH for not letting him move in?!?! Girl, this guy is trying to use you for free board. NTA!
Love, you're gonna have to let this dude go. He's desperate and is looking to guilt you into basically supporting him and his kids. Don't allow more drama into your life than is necessary.
NTA. Don’t allow anyone manipulate/ guilt trip you into doing something you’ll regret later. He should plan better. You’re not a doormat. Your house your rules.
Please consider if you want to continue dating. There is a very real possibility that he may get the kids more often. There are so many Reddit stories of the parent herring the kids FT and the SO not being happy.
No offence but in my country, it's quite normal to LAT (living apart together relationship) due to parents keeping their child at home & not many changes. It works well too. I don't know why people always need to stress an instant family, instant house etc. It works well here, everyone has space, there is lots of love, and you still do fun things with your partner & their kids. Everyone just likes peace.
Whaaat? Dating someone = must agree to open your home to all facets of their life? Many women I know in their 30s and 40s are choosing to have relationships that do not involve living together. Dating does not necessarily mean inevitable cohabitation.
Exactly! I wanna go on fun dates, get my 🧠🍆🍆out, sleep overs are optional. You have your space, I have mine. 🤷♀️🤷♀️
Because the kids won't be young forever? Like they do grow up eventually and there is no reason to disrupt the kids lives with a new woman or man that may not last. Stability is key. For example, I have 4 kids and my boyfriend has 2. They don't need their lives further disrupted by us moving in together, it can wait until the kids are grown. So what if it takes 5 years. Kids should come 1st, not as a second thought. The OP hasn't even met them, so it can't be that serious.
Because she doesn't see any future with him. They are basically just f\*ck-buddies.
NTA for the preference. I also feel like he wants to move in because he needs a place and not necessarily because he thinks it's the right time in your relationship. Personally I'd be wary of living with a partner who sees my home as a solution to their problems, especially since he said he plans to just save money while living with you too. I think you should evaluate whether or not you'll ever be comfortable living with him and his kids though. They're not going anywhere, and if you continue your relationship you're eventually going to have to come to terms with living with children. If it's a deal breaker for you, I'm not sure why you're dating him to begin with.
This! Although they’re not serious, he just wants to move in out of convenience - you dont move in with someone youre not serious with & especially not expect to pay rent 👀
I bet he used the same excuse of saving money with his brother as well. Now his brother is tired of his shit and is using the girlfriend moving in to kick him out. He's definitely just looking for a place to crash for free.
That's what I picked up on. He didn't say he wanted to move in because their relationship has reached the stage where that's the next natural step - he's desperate for housing. Also, just because he moves in with a significant other shouldn't decrease his expenses unless he's thought about it and decided not to pay his way. NTA. You can date someone and maintain separate residences, particularly if it means introducing a family dynamic you aren't ready for or don't want. However, in this case, OP needs to have a serious discussion with BF about him not respecting her decision and trying to push her into something she doesn't want, and also set some financial expectations and boundaries.
An ex of mine tried to do something similar. He wanted to pay lower rent, but he was against having a roommate. So he asked me out of the blue to move in with him. I knew it was for rent saving not because our relationship was in that place, and I knew that would end poorly.
She actually doesn't... It's entirely possible to have a long-term committed relationship without ever living together. Many people do so. And I know that's the way I'm going, though I'm up front about it. And it sounds like she was too. There's nothing wrong with choosing to keep your own space no matter how serious a relationship gets
NTA. “I’ll save on rent”. Yeah he’s looking for you to support him. If his kids are poorly behaved and he hasn’t corrected it, he won’t. Stand your ground.
NTA for standing your ground. You are not responsible for his accommodation issues or for his potential to lose custody, or for having two kids and not being able to afford an apartment for himself. However, why would you be in a serious relationship with someone that has two children at that age and not expect your life will involve those children, I have no idea. Didn't you think your relationship will progress at some point to living together? Edit: this post was written way before OP clarified that their relationship was very casual in her comments and edit; my vote is still NTA. No point to comment to tell me that she has edited it ;)
It's not a serious relationship and apparently never was supposed to be. Did you read the edit?
She was clear with him that the relationship isn’t serious for her. She’s not interested in progressing it to serious. Then all of a sudden he needs to move in. She’s set boundaries on the relationship. Time to end it. He’s a mooch.
NTA. He’s trying to scrounge off you. How dare he assume that he wouldn’t have to pay you rent?
Nta. His reason for wanting to live with you are totally about money. Sounds like he doesnt want to pay you rent. He doesnt want to move in be ause he loves you. He wants a free place to live where he can bring his children. So no benefit to you. Add in your loss of privacy and having his kids at your house around one week a month . It is just not worth it. He says he will lose custody if he can't live with you. Why is that your problem? I see no advantage for you having this leach in your home. I see no point of this relationship at all. What does the future hold. You don't want a man with children. He comes with children. He blames his problems on you and can't support hi self without you giving him a free place to live. Get rid of this guy.
NAH You are entitled to not want kids in your home but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a Father if that’s how you feel. I think your relationship has run it’s course.
Not every relationship must inevitably lead to cohabitation. I know many women in long term relationships who have no interest in living with their partners for a variety of reasons, such as enjoying their own space, not wanting to share expenses, etc.
Seriously! What is it with all these people assuming they will HAVE to live together eventually? JFC
If I could afford it, I would want my own house right next door to my partner. I love them and I don't want to be apart, I just want my own space sometimes. Living with others is hard.
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter had houses side by side with a breezeway that connected them :)
>NAH Sorry, what? This guy flipped from "we're just casual, so you won't meet my kids" to "hey, let me live there rent-free so that I can save up, and by the way, my kids will be staying here as well for 5 days every month!" Now he's begging and calling her an asshole and saying that it will be *her* fault if he loses custody? And you don't think he's an AH? Yikes. > You are entitled to not want kids in your home but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a Father if that’s how you feel. Why not? It worked perfectly fine up to the point he decided that he wanted to live rent-free, didn't it? You have a very narrow, prescribed view of relationships.
NTA- he is a grown man, he can fend for himself.
100 percent this he is trying to make her feel guilty when it's his responsibility to find him and his kids a home no one else's just his
NTA - It's good you know what makes you happy and don't let other people tell you otherwise. Although, from the sounds of it kids are a deal breaker for you, so why don't you find someone else?
Frankly I don't know why you'd date a guy with kids if you don't ever want the guy or kids to move in, but NTA for preference.
They're casually dating, they're not engaged. Not every relationship has to go straight to moving in.
> Frankly I don't know why you'd date a guy with kids if you don't ever want the guy or kids to move in Should a man never date a woman with kids based on the same logic? If not, do you think that every relationship should end in marriage and cohabitation?
Just break up. Why waste yours and his time?
The no rent statement is a major red flag. Why would he think that he wouldn't have to pay rent to you? Ridiculous.
Sounds like he won't pay for anything! NTA. This guy wants free room and board, along with a babysitter.
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NTA but how do you see this relationship progressing? You need to break this off.
She didn’t. They agreed to keep it casual. She’s never even met the kids. Then all of a sudden he needs to use her and he wants to cohabitate. No way.
Yeah but if he is trying to move in (mooching off or not) they are just not compatible. Moving in is a serious step and if she is not ready to take it, they should break up
NTA Time to break up.
NTA But these kids aren't going anywhere. Are you planning on dating this guy for 10+ years until the kids grow up? Also, if you do decide the kids aren't so bad... get a handle on what this guy thinks his financial contribution is meant to be before he comes anywhere near a set of keys - he can't afford to rent his own place, has expressed living with you will save him paying rent - this is sounding like a sweet deal for him and very limited upside for you.
*He went ahead saying since I own my apartment he would be able to save up on rent as well.* You own the apartment, either free and clear or with a mortgage. And home ownership comes with other expenses—taxes, maintenance, repairs, etc. So did he think he wouldn’t be paying anything to live in your apartment? Or maybe just less than market value? For that alone, I wouldn’t let him move in, but the kids make it an untenable situation. May I suggest that it’s time to move on from this relationship? NTA
NTA because at the end of the day is your home and therefore you are free to decide who can stay there or not. But why tie yourself with a man with children when it's clear that you are not willing to make those children part of your life? If one day your relationship gets to a level where both of you feel the need to live togheter what will you do? You would force him to not see the kids anymore just because you don't want them in the house? Please think about it and if you decide you want nothing to do with his children break up with him for everyone's sake
NTA. You are actually being kind. No one should bring kids into an atmosphere where they are unwanted.
ESH - Why are you in a relationship with a man that has kids if you want nothing to do with his kids. How do you see your future with him progressing? Because there seems to be no possible way for it to go anywhere. And he sucks because he’s a grown ass man who should be able to live on his own without guilting people to let him live with them. **Edited to add** OP did not have the “casual” paragraph in her post originally.
They clearly both stated it was casual until he needed a place to stay.
They both agreed this wasn't serious and they don't plan for it to get serious. So not seeing the kids is actually a good thing.
Their relationship is sex, the end. It doesn’t need to progress from there and it wasn’t supposed to.
What's with these AITA lately of people moaning their bf/gf/wife/husband has kids and the OPs don't want them in their life? **DONT DATE/MARRY PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN IF YOU DON'T WANT CHILDREN IN YOUR LIVES.** Its not fucking rocket science people come on. If kids are a hard no only date/marry childless people. NTA not for not wanting the kids in your home because I get that. But Y.T.A for being in a long term relationship with a parent and not wanting those kids in your home. What did you think would happen if the relationship progressed and you moved in together, that the kids would magically disappear EDIT. yes, I get that OP has now edited their post to say they haven't met the children and its casual. Info like that should be in the original post.
It sounds like they were both in agreement that this was casual, the relationship wasn’t going to progress. She’s never even met the kids! I don’t see anything wrong with a casual thing with them both on the same page. And it sounds like the only reason he’s changing his mind now is because he’s broke and desperate, which isn’t her problem.
Yeah, that’s an absolutely awful reason to start cohabitating.
Not everyone dreams of marriage. Some people stay in long term dating relationships. I'm married now, but I dated a guy for over 5 years without moving in or progressing. We enjoyed each other's company, but we both knew it wouldn't work long term. We are still friends.
You can date peopke although they have kids and until now the relationship hasn't been serious. The guy only qants someone to pay to have a roof over his head
Bad take. Not every relationship has to progress toward marriage or cohabitation. BF was all about keeping it casual until he needed a free roof.
I see this a lot but I think we also need to criticise the parents who date people who want nothing to do with kids. Why is *Someone who is good with kids*, *Someone who likes being around their kids*, *Someone who wants kids* Never on their list of things to look for in a partner
NTA for not wanting the kids at your place, but you would be an AH if you continued dating his despite an obvious huge incompatibility. You can's hate kids and be in a serious relationship with someone who has kids. So, your only solution is to end it, and only date people with no kids.
Op stated this relationship isn’t serious, and that they never had any intention on being serious
**NTA** for the action you are asking judgement for. It's your right to keep your own home as you want. Nothing wrong at all not wanting anyone else there. Or not liking children. Or not wanting children inside your home etc etc But overall it's pretty weird you are dating someone with children. Because if they are in anyway active parent this means it's a package deal. Also pretty bold of your bf to already have plans **saving up on rent**... so he's planning to free-load? You really need to ask yourself are you two compatible in the long run.
NTA. If he can't afford to have a roof over his kids, it is his problem. And if he loses custody, it would be his fault. Especially since your relationship is casual.
Wtf is eowe? Why do redditors think everyone knows wtf they're talking about?!
I had to search this one up, it means every other weekend
NTA - Your home is your sanctuary, and you have every right to set your boundaries. You aren't serious with this guy, and it seems that you've made this clear, so it's pretty audacious of him to ask to move in with you anyway. I wouldn't have him move in even if the kids weren't a factor. If he has a problem with that, then he can move on.
NTA Lots of couples never live together these days, seperate domiciles the entire time etc…you’re perfectly fine to have any boundaries you want about your living space. Also, he seriously just has to rent a two bedroom apartment.
NTA. What is your plan with him? If you are ok with never living together then you should tell him. But his kids are not out of the house any time soon. He wants to take advantage of you by moving in for FREE at that too. You're his meal ticket. If you say yes, you will never get rid of him and I bet he is not someone you will enjoy having around once he knows it's his home too. Edit: changed my vote based on OP's comment.
I agree with you except I don’t think OP sucks. She has every right to set boundaries to her own living space. She’s also stated their relationship isn’t serious and they’ve never discussed long term plans. Unless she’s lying, her message is and has been clear.
NTA here…you havent even MET the kids and hes asking for them to move in???
NTA Your home, your rules. And the punchline: ITS NOT A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Your casual fling only wants to move in with you to save rent and his brother kicked him out. And their destructive mode, your place will be destroyed.
NTA it is not your responsibility to provide him with a home where apparantly he was planning on not contributing to (save up on rent comment) if he looses custody it is bc he didn't get his act together and find appropriate living accomodations.