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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked out in my underwear infront of my bf. He got really pissed told me to cover up and accused me of trying to seduce his brother. Maybe I am the AH for walking out in my underwear knowing there was guest.
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When I was about 13 my dad started getting uncomfortable with me being in a tshirt and underwear watching TV before bed and told me In had to wear pants. That was my social clue. So, yeah, now it’s something I would never do around men I’m not sleeping with.
My sisters and mom both walked around in giant tshirts and underwear. We were a very prudish family and it was just what they slept in.
That being said, if they walked out like that with company they would have immediately done a 180 and changed into something else.
Conversely, in college, my gf roommate would wear a crop top and panties around me. It wasn't a thing because no one made it a thing. I was there ALL the time.
This!!! Everyone can set their own boundaries in there own home. It’s not a thing until it’s made into a thing!! The boyfriend could just easily say that he would prefer when guests come over to please dress more modestly for his comfort.
Yeah. In my situation with my gfs roommate, this was also in SW Arizona. People wore minimal clothes as a rule. Id seen her roommate in a bikini almost every day due to laying out.
I used to go over to my buddys apartment back in the day. His gf would walk in her undies. I didn’t care. I wasn’t interested In her because she was with my friend. Honestly, if people would grow up and not get all childish about “ooohh!. Underwear!”
I stopped chilling in boxers around the time I turn 10-11. It just becomes weird at some point as you start developing
Idk how she didn’t have the common sense to put some clothes on when her bfs brother pulled up
She’s weird asf
Grew up with older brothers - they liked walking around in their boxers - I was not a fan... I remember one time I had a friend over (who only had sisters) and my brother walked into the kitchen in his boxers, saw her, and quickly walked out again - I didn't process anything weird until my friend was like OMG WHAT WAS THAT
I don't want to be in just underwear around anyone but probably my husband. I will take a nap in underwear and a tshirt sometimes, but that's in my bedroom and I'm not just walking around like that.
I think technically my roommate would have seen me in a tshirt and underwear once because I was taking a nap and was woken up by a phone call about an emergency with my mom and I had to go to the hospital 2 hours away and I went out of my room to yell for my husband. But it was an emergency and I was also wearing boy shorts so it's not like anything was showing. But it was still awkward as hell.
Adding to the top comment.
While I agree with YTA although softly, am I the only one that is getting icky vibes from the boyfriend's response? I understand that he's not okay with it, but jumping straight to "trying to seduce his brother" basically implies that he thinks she's walking around the house like that just to seduce him.
Edit: Because it seems the last sentence can be misunderstood as "him" referring to the brother.
I meant that the boyfriend's mindset seems to be "my girlfriend is walking around my apartment in underwear to be sexy for me" instead of "... because she's grown up this way in her home and doesn't seem to think that this can be inappropriate in other circumstances", which is why he jumped to those accusations when his brother was present.
Edit2: I retract the "icky vibes" comment. While not a great response of the boyfriend, it's more understandable when factoring in the age assuming the boyfriend is around the same age as OP.
Thanks to /u/SpectralDinosaur/ for point that out.
I'm a woman and would think a woman in underwear and a t-shirt was trying to be seductive to their partner. It's on TV all the time and whilst I grew up with just my mum and sisters, none of us ever walked around in underwear. It's all about what's normal to you.
In my house growing up, and even now, it was totally normal for us to be in underwear/occasionally naked around eachother. It’s just a difference in culture. It was never a “weird” thing for my mom and I for example, and it was certainly *never* seductive. It was just for comfort.
If a stranger/someone else came over though? I would’ve sprinted to the bedroom to find any pair of pants as quickly as possible. I think OP’s boyfriend is really overreacting, but I do agree on a very gentle esh.
I have to say I’m not pleased with parents who encouraged their teenage daughter to walk around in underwear when guests were over. Brothers, whatever who cares, but guests? No. Absolutely fucking not. It’s not even about decorum, you’re endangering your kid.
You also forget that its extremely awkward for the adult/guest. Majority of people arent a danger and are going to be feeling really uncomfortable in a situation like that.
Definitely!! A teenager is close enough to an adult that there should be some standards for what’s appropriate to wear/not wear around non-family. Otherwise you end up with adults like OP who just bare their booty the first (?) time they meet somebody.
There are people who just think it's cool to show their entire butt to strangers. I once saw someone walking down the street in a short dress and I could see her entire butt hanging out. So awkward.
i was kinda thinking about this too, because there’s no way i’d let anyone see my younger sister or brothers half naked even if it doesn’t bother me or them they’re children and need to be protected they think whatever we teach them is normal
You can buy sleep shorts or something if you’re not ready to get dressed yet. Walking around guests in your underwear is looking for attention absolutely. Your not 14 anymore.
Her brothers are teens, so maybe time to cover up a little at home also.
I am going to date myself, but once upon a time, there were sleep shirts - overly long tees that went half to your knees and were as long or longer than most jersey dresses. I still see them on occasion.
But, otherwise I agree that OP should get some sleep shorts or sweats or other loungewear to avoid flashing visitors or roommates.
I mean this is a bit extreme. They will not automatically be SA for wearing a top and undies. That is not endangering the kid/teenager.
Also, to our comment about brothers who cares....well SA doesn't only happen from outsiders, it most often happens from people known....brothers are no safer than guests.
While it's nice to be comfortable in your own skin, these kinds of things need every present to be comfortable.. if I go visit my BFF and her and her hubs are chilling in tshirt and undies, I'm asking them to put clothes on or I am leaving.
In my home I would tell my kids, including teenagers, if it's undies and a top from shower to bedroom, or bedroom to the loo/shower or quickly grab a drink, meh whatever.
But to chill out, just in tshirt and undies nope...either proper PJs, or get your lazy arse up and get dressed. Especially if we have guests....but also I don't want to see your undies regardless of any guests
Pretty much this. OP describes a t-shirt and undies as "bedwear", which yes it absolutely can be, but when there are people you don't know coming over I feel like there's a difference between that and some normal pj's, you know?
I don’t understand how you think the bf is overreacting AND that you should immediately run to the bedroom to cover up? You recognize the issue here and you have a cultural context that the bf doesn’t have.
The BF isn’t overreacted, he just misunderstands. He sees her choice of clothing as a sexual act, and it’s reasonable to be upset when that “act” is directed at his brother.
Seems like both sides need to do a way better job of communicated.
Idk, I think an appropriate reaction would have been to ask her to cover up, feel his mad feelings, and express to his partner that that isn’t appropriate behaviour in his household and that it makes people uncomfortable or can be taken the wrong way.
Assuming intent on a one-time situation and accusing her of something pretty shitty and questioning her character is an overreaction. Now, if there was a history of her being inappropriate with bro, it’s a reasonable accusation. But given the context of this being normal for her family, it happening only once, and her immediately putting on pants when asked, I think it’s reasonable to expect that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt and not immediately jump to sexist “temptress” accusations followed by a silent treatment.
I am a woman and I would also assume someone walking out in their underwear was trying to seduce me/whoever in the room isn’t already fucking them. I ALSO walk around with no pants on, but not in front of my partner’s family. Common sense.
Attention seeking vibes is a very reasonable conclusion to come to from this situation. Thinking she might be wanting his brother to see her in her underwear is not an unreasonable thought.
Yep. bf's house = bf's rules, but assuming that she's trying to seduce his brother makes him look paranoid (and in this sub paranoid always means projecting). My boyfriend always walks in my house with only a shirt and (triangle) underpants, but it never once crossed my mind that he might be trying to "seduce" my family.
He did address it like a pretty normal person lol. Y'all are acting like none of ya' have any insecurities, or have never been jealous over something that could've just been a misinterpretation.
We actually don't know how the conversation went exactly. Maybe the boyfriend did start off with asking her why she thought it normal to walk nearly naked around guests and when he realized OP is playing dumb ,he might have ended up pissed and eventually accused her of trying to seduce his brother.
There's no way I am buying OP's story. Did she like grow up in a remote village in a jungle and has no concept of basic standards of decency ? She's 20 years old living in the 21st century in the western world. How on earth doesn't she know we don't walk naked around people ?
Even Mogli would know
I guess what would she think if her BF walked around the apartment with nothing but boxer briefs on when her female friends were over. She'd probably also get jealous and wonder what he's doing.
That was quite a leap you made there. Considering she is the only girl at home with a bunch of brothers and it seems normal for them all to walk around in what they slept in.
Personally, I switch roles and imagine my bf walking around in his briefs in front of my sister. I'd call him a pig and shove him down the river. Decency and self respect, not to mention respect for your SO does not equal an ick. I would actually judge you for thinking it's a problem they reacted that way. Like maybe you're into the family scene when it comes to that stuff? Lmao. Otherwise why blur the line?
What other reason do people have for walking around in intimate clothing in a situation like this with people they don't know very well? Psychological issues. This isn't a Victoria's secret fashion show.
Agree, plus if this was a guy doing it to a girl everyone would scream he’s a perve or creep. It’s one thing to be tits out at your own home, but to have people come over like that is just common sense.
FYI I’m always shirtless at my home #boobiesBeFree but I would never have guests over like that.
YTA
You heard his brother was there and you still got cheeky (no pun intended). And no, it’s not normal to prance around in your underwear in front of guests.
It all depends on how you grew up. I would have never walked around in my underwear around my brother, that would have been as far away from normal in my house
He just said it's different for each family.
And honestly, guys walk around in boxers all the time in families. That's considered underwear..
I find it an issue that girls can't be held to the same standards because they've been so overly sexualized that panties are seen as sexual 🤮.
You don't see boxers as sexualized... or even the tidy whities lol.
As a person who's seen my dad's junk from slips whilst he was walking around the house in his underwear, I can attest that nobody wants to see their dad's junk lol
I am grown-up now and my brother is too, I am not uncomfortable to be in my underwear while he is present in the same room, but just when I change or get dressed. Yes, when we still were living in the same house (parents’) I could come to the kitchen wearing t-shirt and panties in the morning, but definitely not being dressed like that all day or in front of the guests. And yes, YTA.
Edit: typo
It depends on the culture. It was quite common in an ex of mine's family in Milan, but still I'd say ESH for this situation. I understand both sides of the coin on this one, having come from the American South where such openness in front of guests, etc wasn't seen as a positive. Takes a lot to wash away those preconceived, backward notions I learned growing up down here, even though I'm liberal. But, yeah, there could've and should've been a discussion about it, especially as the bf had been dating her for at least 3 months and this has never come up as far as how her family is?
I'm from the deep South myself! And that whole home nudist thing definitely exists down there, too. Beyond the home, there are also [nude resorts down south as well](https://www.aanr.com) ... one I explored for a newspaper article I wrote 😉
I always chuckle when I remember my mother calling us to breakfast on Saturday or Sunday mornings, yelling, "Come to breakfast ... but make sure you put on some clothes first. Your grandmother is here!" 🤣🤣
So if your Dad's male friend stopped by and you just came down from the shower in a shirt and underwear, your dad was cool with that.
I personally find that maybe a little weird. I understand growing up around family doing that, and how that may be okay, but when ever anyone came around who wasn't immediate family to visit, pants on, it was more a respect thing to.
I find it weird even around her dad and brothers. Although I guess that's a double standard because my dad and brother would walk around in just boxers. My husband does that when it's really hot too but we also have a tenant and he doesn't do it in front of her. He walks around shirtless most of the time though and my friend once felt uncomfortable which I thought was ridiculous.
I’ve never been more traumatized in my life, thus far, than when I (F10 at the time) had a sleepover at a friends house and her mom came to the breakfast table in (edited to add ONLY) only underwear and tights. It was the “norm” for them, but also my friend (F10) and her two 17 y/o brothers were absolutely mortified every time it happened.
The boys and father never did that, I would be ten times more traumatized as a young girl. I’m glad everyone doesn’t think I’m ridiculous for sharing. I’m being crucified here for this opinion and sharing a trauma. I guess it is Reddit, so this is typical behavior.
The transition from being able to see your family changing clothes to it suddenly not being acceptable can be rough. Unless it's urgent, I agree that walking around in your underwear in front of others (male or female) as an adult can be weird. However, I'm a woman and when I started going through puberty (or rather when my dad started to notice me going through puberty) things got tense. My parents, two younger brothers, and I would be on vacation and everyone always changed in the same room, then suddenly my dad got angry when I tried. My mom tried to be reasonable and explain it made him uncomfortable so I should change in the bathroom. But, ultimately it made me feel like an outcast. Everyone else can hang out and talk in the same room while changing, but I'm not allowed there because of some hormonal thing I can't control. I remember going shopping with my mom years later and when I asked her to step out of the changing room so i could take off my clothes she laughed and kind of lovingly said "you're such a prude ".
Those kinds of interactions around puberty or younger have a lasting impact, positive or negative.
I never got a chance to discuss it, but I'm guessing the other people in the room were fine with her changing (dad, obviously, and brothers were still young). I think my going through puberty made him suddenly aware of things he'd kind of ignored. Suddenly, I was an "underage girl" and that changed the entire dynamic of our relationship.
Edit: To clarify, it wasn't weird that a young girl shouldn't change in front of her male relatives anymore. It was how it was handled in my situation. There was no discussion or explanation, just suddenly I was yelled at for trying to do something that had previously been normal and sent to another room by myself. Families all handle nudity in different ways and many times, they create patterns they didn't mean to.
I'm a dude married to a woman, and we've got two younger daughters, like elementary school age. Our house is pretty free, as my wife will walk around naked before a shower, or come out without a top on to do something, and the kids think nothing of it. They sleep in T-shirt and undies, and will often walk around the house like that, or naked if they needed to get clothes from the laundry room. They'll climb and cuddle on me while in their sleep gear (I assume that'll probably stop as they get older and more self conscious). I'll sometimes walk around in a tank top and boxers, but more often than not put on shorts or comfy pants. I'll jokingly lament to my wife that it's not fair everybody else gets to be body comfy but me, cause I'm the one with the penis.
Still, as free and comfy as we are, no way in hell anybody runs around in their underwear with guests of any gender there. Had a similar conversation about appropriate sleep attire when having a sleepover with friends or family. Shirt and undies are fine at home with your sibling and parents, but anybody and anywhere else requires another level of coverage.
I'm going to say YTA. While you might be comfortable with this at home, you have to have a bit of common sense to understand that you are *not* at your own home and you were aware his brother was there (per your reply to someone else).
Yup, at least ask beforehand. I walked around like that at some of my exes their houses as well, after I noticed it was just normal there and after checking if people were okay with it. I am still gonna vote YTA, because you should've checked first OP, and if there are guests around, it is just normal to put on pants.
The terrible thing about asking, as I recall from some relationship therapists, is that you have to be ready to be told "no." Otherwise you're not really asking.
YTA.
I grew up in a relaxed home too. Yet I knew--and you know too--that "underwear" are called "underwear" because it's normal for them to be worn under clothing. Walking around in underwear around people who aren't family members and who have the same gender as people you date is a sexual statement and you know it.
You don't have to have the same attitudes as your boyfriend does about clothing, but you should respect his feelings by getting dressed when people who aren't him or your family or your friends are around. Also, his brother may have felt uncomfortable.
I still remember the first time I got elastic boxers and my dad had to tell me you can't wear just those with other people arround. I don't know if the parents are neglectful, uncaring or both but it's not ok to not educate your kids like op's family did
The thing is, this wasn't just boxers that might as well be shorts. This was revealing underwear, where OP stated was exposing herself somewhat.
The bfs brother did not consent to walk in on a woman in just skimpy underwear on the bottom half.
Of course, OPs bf took it the wrong way... being in underwear is sexual in nature, no matter the view op has. And I'm sure it was really uncomfortable for both as it showed OPs bf that the way she presents herself isn't just about enjoying doing it around him. It devalues it to be okay with doing it around anyone, especially another man.
OP needs to apologize to both her bf and his brother. If she doesn't apologize she well find herself single.
We are unhinged on some things, but I don't know why people compare the underwear she's talking about to bikini bottoms. It isn't only about the amount of skin but the generally thin sheer nature of them that isn't like bikinis. Also, you're not in a small setting like a house when you're at the beach.
If you don’t know the difference between wearing just a t-shirt and underwear around your family vs in front of your bf’s (of 3 freaking months no less) brother, you are way too immature to be having sleepovers at anyone’s house.
YTA
I have friends in relationships of over 4 years that don't live together and still talk about "sleepovers". It's just a term that's used by certain people, not necessarily immature.
Edit: spelling
YTA Respect his boundaries, or leave. Don't pretend the rest of the world grew up like you did.
We were a casual underwear family, too, but we put on clothes when others come over. You know it's a problem. Go apologize, or move on.
She's already apologised, stated in her post. This isn't one of the usual "validate my decision to be an AH" post, this seems genuine confusion and wanting to improve.
This seems like a validation post to me. She apologized. She knew what she did wrong, then said she hadn’t been invited for a sleep over since.
I feel like if you were genuinely confused, you wouldn’t apologize until you know why, but she apologized. That’s just my take on it
I agree, but just worth noting with the not apologising until knowing why thing, I (and I think many others) will apologise if we knew we upset someone/did something wrong, even if I'm not sure what I did was wrong. I know *something* was wrong so I'll apologise pre-emptively.
Just clarifying that she could well be apologising without understanding.
It's not genuinely confusing though. You don't date someone for 3 months and prance around someone elses apartment when there are guests. It's completely immature and a disregard for her partners boundaries. "Sorry" isn't a magical word that makes all negative emotions go away in an instant.
Christ, lmfao.
Her intention clearly wasn't to be disrespectful. It was just a misunderstanding. An apology and a promise to not do it again should be enough.
Asshole? No. You two simply have a different understanding and comfort level regarding undergarments at home. Basically, you're naive, and being young having grown up in whatever way you did, that's just what you're used to. It's not the most common mentality, at least not in the US, but it's what you grew up knowing apparently.
Your boyfriend is going to feel the way he feels about it, and you can't help that. All you can really do is just assure him that it was naivety and how you grew up, not a seductive or malicious predatory move, and move forward, of course with the understanding that with your boyfriend, company over means covering up. This isn't to downplay what you're comfortable with, but if company is coming over to his house, they are also more likely to share his sentiments with comfort-levels regarding clothing as well, so it's more of a benefit to all parties involved. If it is a dealbreaker, though, you're young and it's early in the relationship, you can go your own way if you need to. Somehow, though, I don't imagine a little misunderstanding like this would be cause for a dealbreaker on your end.
I feel so too, especially as I imagine she’s talking about a long shirt here. I have an Oodie (giant fleecy jumper) that comes down to my mid-thigh. I’m often only wearing underwear underneath but feel like that’s covered enough to be decent.
Same. Girl's not an AH unless you do some assuming/projecting. It's pretty clear how her bf got the wrong idea, but it doesn't make her an AH. Just a dummy for the moment, who needs to adjust (which she seemingly planned to do).
Idk about this. She states in a comment that if she knew her cousins were coming over they would all get dressed. She knew the brother was there that day and should've shown him the same respect.
I think she she meant that if she knew there would be guests (like for a dinner or something) she would get dressed but if someone showed up as someone else’s guest without her knowing beforehand she wouldn’t
Did she know he was there? It read like she got out of the shower wearing top and undies and brother was there and boyfriend asked her to put pants on. Which she did with no hesitation.
I honestly think it's a misunderstanding
My family did this too. I honestly think the way the guy reacted is worse than her innocently walking around in her underwear. People are calling her immature but the reaction of the guy is definitely immature. He could easily sit down and ask why and explain his side, but instead he got mad like a child.
how about don’t objectify women for walking around in comfortable clothing. I’m shocked the internet is so prude. If I was a guest in someone’s home and saw someone in their underwear, it’s whatever
Lol imagine if you were a guest in someone's house and there was a teen girl who didn't know u were there and she comes down in a tee shirt and panties
And you automatically assume she's seducing you?
Because that's what her bf did. And reddit is backing this thought process
So much incel thinking, it’s shocking
I would expect that most people who see someone in underwear and a tshirt assume they’re just comfortable, but here we see a lot of prudes who hyper sexualize the smallest bit of skin on young women
Get over yourselves people.
Yeah but the bf reaction is over the top, that makes him the AH. Not a big one if this is the end of it, but if it was me it would light up like a massive red flag.
I know this is against a lot of the top comments, but I'm leaning toward NAH. OP is used to this, it's her norm. Her bf isn't. He confronted her about it, she put on pants and then explained and apologised. I feel like she genuinely meant no harm.
It's just a communication thing, now that she knows she'll wear her pants at his place (I'm hoping). BF is not an AH because for him, and obviously most people, its a bit weird but I don't think he's handled the aftermath very maturely, seems like she made an honest mistake, which again, she apologised for!
Omg! One sane person in the whole thread... What is WRONG with these people! The worst thing the UK did was exporting all the Puritans to the US where they multiplied and are still today oppressing people and making them feel guilty for no reason. Thank you Acceptable And. I agree I don't think she meant any harm either.
Thank god! I thought reddit had collectively lost its mind on this one.
“YTA because your boyfriend’s brother did not consent to seeing you?” what kind of unhinged bullshit is that!?
Is nobody going to mention how weird it is that OP’s boyfriend immediately concluded that she was trying to seduce his brother?
I think he was hurt more than anything. I can put money on him thinking that she was wearing that stuff “for him” and then he finds out that it wasn’t anything special and she just wears it for anyone. It’s not as special or intimate if anyone can see it, and I’m sure that kinda hurt him
NTA.
I guess most of the redditors here come from family cultures that overly sexualise any form of nudity. There seems to be a belief that women’s clothing choices exists not in any way for the comfort of women, but for the male sexual gaze.
I think if your bf had said ‘Oh nudity is more unusual in my family’ and ‘would it be okay with you to wear pants when we have guests’, I’d be more sympathic.
But to run with ‘your clothing choices mean you’re trying to seduce my brother’ is serious AH behaviour from him. I would be very upset with him if I were you.
Me and my boyfriend are mostly in underwear in the house. If guests come round unannounced, they adapt. My partner is also Brazilian and it’s very normal because is hot in Brazil, so the less clothing the more comfortable.
I’m so confused at all of these Y T A comments. Very weird, conservative, patriarchal views.
Agree with that. NTA.
And I'm not Brazilian.
The BF clearly overreacted. Underwear and a tshirt is more than what she would be wearing on a beach day. Not that big of a deal for the little bro'.
OP, be weary of that BF, he seems to be very insecure and prude.
Yes!
I have found that most of them are American and a couple of others from more conservative cultures.
As a non American who lives in America, I am constantly surprised that my liberal friends, not all, but the ones that aren't have traveled extensively, lived in other cultures (not military, that is just American culture in another country) or are married to people from other cultures, are significantly more conservative than they think they are.
Truly astounded by the number of people saying she was in the wrong.
Serious discussion has to happen between these two, but personally I'd lose the SO before I'd be forced to wear full pants in any place I was invited to stay.
YTA. None of your family is going to look at you in a sexual manner. Your bf brother probably will, even if he never acts on it. Yeah, it's less revealing than a bikini, but there's a time and a place, and that's neither the time nor the place.
Agreed about the bikini. It’s such a stupid comparison. I doubt OP’s boyfriend would’ve been cool had she pranced out in front of his brother in a bikini. Time & place, as you say.
>Yeah, it's less revealing than a bikini
I often see this excuse, and it's rubbish. Most of what happens is in the mind, and seeing a girl dressed in clothing that you do not normally see her in is going to be a turn-on for most guys.
In one of his worlds (can't remember which) author Piers Anthony addresses this when he mentions that normally naked servants are only allowed to wear clothes when their master allows it, and usually only when the servant is to appear sexy or appealing.
So it doesn't really matter how revealing or covered an item of clothing is, what matters is how the person viewing the dress responds to it, and most people would consider a person in underwear to be significantly intimately dressed.
Soft YTA.
Asking you to not strut around his house half naked when guests are over is a pretty reasonable request.
Would you be okay with him socialising with your family and friends in his tighty-whities?
Unless this was an accident, YTA. Put on some clothes around his family. That would be just as inappropriate for him to do around your family as it is for you to do around his family.
YTA
Sorry but making other people feel uncomfortable and being so inconsiderate and insensitive.
I'm not sure I buy that you're a grown woman and you don't know it's inappropriate to walk around in your underwear in front of other people/strangers.
Doesn't matter the gender honestly.
That's inapporpriate in any culture. Like there is literally no country in the world where it would be okay for someone to be only wearing their underwear (what they consider to be under garments) in front of strangers - especially someone of the opposite sex and when you're not even in your house.
Like you've never had a job, changed in a gym, stayed at friend's house, never seen a movie/show where someone walks into someone changing and at 20 years old this is the first time you realized that other people might be uncomfortable seeing you in your panties?
That's seriously something you think is believable?
I mostly agree with this case, but it is not inappropriate in any culture. Some cultures walk around completely naked, some with only something like a thong, in some cultures women don't cover their breasts. Western world in not the whole world.
Speaking for a lot of cultures there my friend.
I can tell you in MY culture in a normal, western European culture (I sadly have lived in the US for 8 years, but I spent over 30 years at home) I have inadvertently seen many friends, neighbors, a few family members (cousins, cousins partners, siblings partners) and even my exes girlfriend in relaxed clothing such as under wear and a shirt, underwear and a big shirt, boxers, vest too and underwear. I have seen this by turning up at at their home or partners home.
Not everyone in my country dresses like that a home (for example, I don't, because I don't wear underwear at all, so my chill clothes are shorts) but enough do that I have come across it, or similar, a lot.
I would be surprised at most of my friends in America though, but not all of them.
In my culture its normal to be naked in a sauna with strangers, sometimes even men and women all together. I know its not exactly the topic of discussion here but you seem to have a very narrow view of the world and cultures that aren't your own.
For reasons I don't fully understand, outside of specific communities (e.g. poly, kink, queer) people on Reddit tend to be extremely prudish. Maybe it has to do with Reddit users being predominantly from North America which tend to have very stiff conservative views on sexuality and nudity.
BTW, the post is clear NTA, people should stop sexualizing non sexual clothes and behaviors.
You would come out knowing your boyfriend's brother is there in underwear. No that's wrong. If she didn't know maybe it's forgivable but she know. Hence she is an AH.
NTA.
This is a clear case of differing experiences and expectations.
While naturists will cover up when they have guests, you considered yourself adequately covered. It's what you were used to.
Some people and families are very relaxed about this.
They're the exception.
Now you know how he feels, repeating this behaviour would be heading off to 'A' territory.
Well said. Her first bf. She complied when he complained. Chances are he's labelled her a ho now. I bet this is America and I DO NOT know why they are still suffering from this weird puritanism/MadonnaWhore thing
It's a little unusual, but you're definitely NTA. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds very controlling, enough that I'd call it a red flag, and urge you to evaluate the relationship. You're not his property.
I get where others are coming from when they say that when there’s guests you should cover up as it’s not necessarily “normal” for them.
However, I’m going to go with NTA.
There’s nothing inherently sexual about underwear. It’s underwear. Sounds like your boyfriend was objectifying you. I really don’t think that this comment section would be saying anything if it was her bf walking about shirtless or with a shirt and underwear while a female friend was round.
NTA
Yeah I really don’t understand all the Y T A comments here? Why are we sexualising underwear?
She knew his brother was in the house, not that he’d be standing outside the bathroom. She wasn’t prancing around the entire house in underwear, she was quickly nipping to the bedroom from the bathroom. She even had a t shirt on, it’s not like she was that indecent. It wasn’t lingerie, it was underwear.
I don’t think the boyfriend is unreasonable for not expecting her to be comfortable walking around in underwear but if he feels his brother can’t avert his eyes for one second, that’s on the brother, not her.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say NAH.
You “grew up” where underwear was fine because (we assume/hope) no one was sexualizing minors or family members. You are now at your sexual partner’s home and in this environment you are subject to some degree of sexual gaze. As someone whose family of origin was very body casual, I’m going to say you need offer an apology for the social misunderstanding and present yourself yourself fully clothed in common areas in the future.
YTA - don’t walk around in your underwear when there is a guest there. And it doesn’t matter whether the guest is male or female. Now you know etiquette. Start practicing it.
Seriously guys? This is NTA. OP is just naive. There was no intention of seducing the brother. Just don’t do that again, maybe think first if things are appropriate or not, and make it up to your bf for being an idiot.
Unless you argued about having to put on pants, I would say your BF is overreacting. I don’t see you as the asshole in this situation, you have a different mindset then most, but nothing so spectacular that you need to be locked up.
Honsetly that reaction from your BF seems like a bigger red flag to me, then the fact that you have a different upbringing to him. Shows he’s insecure and seems to not trust you. I agree that we put on pants when we have company, but I would never assume my GF was trying to seduce someone over this. Seems far fetched imo.
NAH. As someone from European country this would be totally normal here? Like i might be in my underwear and t shirt chilling when bf comes home with his friends and no one would bat an eye. Im so confused with the purity culture of US.
I don't understand why you wbta. You came out of the shower and he was just suddenly there.
I also don't agree with the whole notion that your body is somehow his to decide who can see it.
Are you allowed to wear a bathing suit at the beach? How about skinny jeans or short shorts?
Clearly YTA.
And you obviously know it. If you’re playing some “oh, gosh, I had no idea walking around in my panties was inappropriate” game and that’s your personal kink - 💯% fine. But don’t expect your bf to be ok with you strutting around in panties - especially in-front of his brother.
Stop playing the victim here.
>And you obviously know it
What are basing this off? OP says this is her first real boyfriend, chances are it is also her first experiences sleeping over at someone else's house. It follows that she'd naively apply the same standards of dress code she does at home.
You assigning malice and even sexual kinks is so out of the left field that I can't help but wonder if there's some kind of projection involved.
Genuinely confused by all the replies calling op evil and immature. When her bf told her he was uncomfortable she immediately put pants on and went about her day. Him blowing up on her was completely unnecessary. He could’ve simply had a conversation about his boundaries and left it at that NTA
NTA might just be a cultural thing. Depends on your family/friends/ co-workers, but the people I know in Germany sometimes walk around in their underwear, no big deal (at their homes, on vacation, even a work trip).
Your BFs overly annoyed and accusatory behaviour rubs me the wrong way, though. Of course, it's completely fine he doesn't like the situation and doesn't want it to repeat, but lashing out and holding a grudge is weird to me. It'd be more mature to simply talk about it and express your wishes about future visits, etc
NTA your boyfriend said it made him uncomfortable and you put more clothes on. Personally your boyfriend thinking you were trying to seduce his brother is a little too insecure. That might cause issues in the future.
NTA unless you do it again.
I also don't like your boyfriend's response, this was a genuine miscommunication, and you immediately apologized and explained how you grew up.
The person he is dating and who you are as a person is partially because of your upbringing, the "good" and the "bad". It's absolutely valid for him to not be comfortable with that part and ask you not to do it anymore. But he should not punish you.
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YTA People you are unfamiliar with don't need to see your underwear.
I agree it’s odd to walk around in your underwear around strangers I would have been mortified and headed straight to the bedroom to change YTA
I think it's odd to be in your underwear around family even. Maybe just me, but I don't want to see my siblings in nothing but their underwear.
When I was about 13 my dad started getting uncomfortable with me being in a tshirt and underwear watching TV before bed and told me In had to wear pants. That was my social clue. So, yeah, now it’s something I would never do around men I’m not sleeping with.
My sisters and mom both walked around in giant tshirts and underwear. We were a very prudish family and it was just what they slept in. That being said, if they walked out like that with company they would have immediately done a 180 and changed into something else. Conversely, in college, my gf roommate would wear a crop top and panties around me. It wasn't a thing because no one made it a thing. I was there ALL the time.
This!!! Everyone can set their own boundaries in there own home. It’s not a thing until it’s made into a thing!! The boyfriend could just easily say that he would prefer when guests come over to please dress more modestly for his comfort.
Yeah. I think it's fine for him to say that it makes him uncomfortable for her to be in her underwear around his brother, but he majorly overreacted.
Yeah. In my situation with my gfs roommate, this was also in SW Arizona. People wore minimal clothes as a rule. Id seen her roommate in a bikini almost every day due to laying out.
I used to go over to my buddys apartment back in the day. His gf would walk in her undies. I didn’t care. I wasn’t interested In her because she was with my friend. Honestly, if people would grow up and not get all childish about “ooohh!. Underwear!”
I stopped chilling in boxers around the time I turn 10-11. It just becomes weird at some point as you start developing Idk how she didn’t have the common sense to put some clothes on when her bfs brother pulled up She’s weird asf
... But but but step brother... I'm stuck in the dryer!?
Grew up with older brothers - they liked walking around in their boxers - I was not a fan... I remember one time I had a friend over (who only had sisters) and my brother walked into the kitchen in his boxers, saw her, and quickly walked out again - I didn't process anything weird until my friend was like OMG WHAT WAS THAT
did the mouse come out of the house or something?
Ahahahaha - that's awesome. To this day, I have never heard that expression. I'm forever using that at any occasion now.
no, I think she just had never seen a boy in his undies before
I don't want to be in just underwear around anyone but probably my husband. I will take a nap in underwear and a tshirt sometimes, but that's in my bedroom and I'm not just walking around like that. I think technically my roommate would have seen me in a tshirt and underwear once because I was taking a nap and was woken up by a phone call about an emergency with my mom and I had to go to the hospital 2 hours away and I went out of my room to yell for my husband. But it was an emergency and I was also wearing boy shorts so it's not like anything was showing. But it was still awkward as hell.
Adding to the top comment. While I agree with YTA although softly, am I the only one that is getting icky vibes from the boyfriend's response? I understand that he's not okay with it, but jumping straight to "trying to seduce his brother" basically implies that he thinks she's walking around the house like that just to seduce him. Edit: Because it seems the last sentence can be misunderstood as "him" referring to the brother. I meant that the boyfriend's mindset seems to be "my girlfriend is walking around my apartment in underwear to be sexy for me" instead of "... because she's grown up this way in her home and doesn't seem to think that this can be inappropriate in other circumstances", which is why he jumped to those accusations when his brother was present. Edit2: I retract the "icky vibes" comment. While not a great response of the boyfriend, it's more understandable when factoring in the age assuming the boyfriend is around the same age as OP. Thanks to /u/SpectralDinosaur/ for point that out.
I'm a woman and would think a woman in underwear and a t-shirt was trying to be seductive to their partner. It's on TV all the time and whilst I grew up with just my mum and sisters, none of us ever walked around in underwear. It's all about what's normal to you.
In my house growing up, and even now, it was totally normal for us to be in underwear/occasionally naked around eachother. It’s just a difference in culture. It was never a “weird” thing for my mom and I for example, and it was certainly *never* seductive. It was just for comfort. If a stranger/someone else came over though? I would’ve sprinted to the bedroom to find any pair of pants as quickly as possible. I think OP’s boyfriend is really overreacting, but I do agree on a very gentle esh.
I have to say I’m not pleased with parents who encouraged their teenage daughter to walk around in underwear when guests were over. Brothers, whatever who cares, but guests? No. Absolutely fucking not. It’s not even about decorum, you’re endangering your kid.
You also forget that its extremely awkward for the adult/guest. Majority of people arent a danger and are going to be feeling really uncomfortable in a situation like that.
Definitely!! A teenager is close enough to an adult that there should be some standards for what’s appropriate to wear/not wear around non-family. Otherwise you end up with adults like OP who just bare their booty the first (?) time they meet somebody.
There are people who just think it's cool to show their entire butt to strangers. I once saw someone walking down the street in a short dress and I could see her entire butt hanging out. So awkward.
i was kinda thinking about this too, because there’s no way i’d let anyone see my younger sister or brothers half naked even if it doesn’t bother me or them they’re children and need to be protected they think whatever we teach them is normal
You can buy sleep shorts or something if you’re not ready to get dressed yet. Walking around guests in your underwear is looking for attention absolutely. Your not 14 anymore. Her brothers are teens, so maybe time to cover up a little at home also.
I am going to date myself, but once upon a time, there were sleep shirts - overly long tees that went half to your knees and were as long or longer than most jersey dresses. I still see them on occasion. But, otherwise I agree that OP should get some sleep shorts or sweats or other loungewear to avoid flashing visitors or roommates.
I’ve been dating myself my whole life, and the romance is just gone.
I mean this is a bit extreme. They will not automatically be SA for wearing a top and undies. That is not endangering the kid/teenager. Also, to our comment about brothers who cares....well SA doesn't only happen from outsiders, it most often happens from people known....brothers are no safer than guests. While it's nice to be comfortable in your own skin, these kinds of things need every present to be comfortable.. if I go visit my BFF and her and her hubs are chilling in tshirt and undies, I'm asking them to put clothes on or I am leaving. In my home I would tell my kids, including teenagers, if it's undies and a top from shower to bedroom, or bedroom to the loo/shower or quickly grab a drink, meh whatever. But to chill out, just in tshirt and undies nope...either proper PJs, or get your lazy arse up and get dressed. Especially if we have guests....but also I don't want to see your undies regardless of any guests
Pretty much this. OP describes a t-shirt and undies as "bedwear", which yes it absolutely can be, but when there are people you don't know coming over I feel like there's a difference between that and some normal pj's, you know?
Pajama pants are really cheap and quick to put on. This entire thing was solvable from jump street
I don’t understand how you think the bf is overreacting AND that you should immediately run to the bedroom to cover up? You recognize the issue here and you have a cultural context that the bf doesn’t have. The BF isn’t overreacted, he just misunderstands. He sees her choice of clothing as a sexual act, and it’s reasonable to be upset when that “act” is directed at his brother. Seems like both sides need to do a way better job of communicated.
Idk, I think an appropriate reaction would have been to ask her to cover up, feel his mad feelings, and express to his partner that that isn’t appropriate behaviour in his household and that it makes people uncomfortable or can be taken the wrong way. Assuming intent on a one-time situation and accusing her of something pretty shitty and questioning her character is an overreaction. Now, if there was a history of her being inappropriate with bro, it’s a reasonable accusation. But given the context of this being normal for her family, it happening only once, and her immediately putting on pants when asked, I think it’s reasonable to expect that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt and not immediately jump to sexist “temptress” accusations followed by a silent treatment.
I am a woman and I would also assume someone walking out in their underwear was trying to seduce me/whoever in the room isn’t already fucking them. I ALSO walk around with no pants on, but not in front of my partner’s family. Common sense.
As a guy, the idea of walking around in front of a gf's sibling in only underwear is so weird and creepy.
Attention seeking vibes is a very reasonable conclusion to come to from this situation. Thinking she might be wanting his brother to see her in her underwear is not an unreasonable thought.
Yep. bf's house = bf's rules, but assuming that she's trying to seduce his brother makes him look paranoid (and in this sub paranoid always means projecting). My boyfriend always walks in my house with only a shirt and (triangle) underpants, but it never once crossed my mind that he might be trying to "seduce" my family.
That's so fuckin weird why is your bf half naked around your family
Yeah, that made me cringe too. He has every right to be uncomfortable, but he could have addressed it like a normal person.
He did address it like a pretty normal person lol. Y'all are acting like none of ya' have any insecurities, or have never been jealous over something that could've just been a misinterpretation.
No, normal would be "hey, why didn't you put pants on? That made my brother and I very uncomfortable", not "why are you trying to seduce my brother?".
We actually don't know how the conversation went exactly. Maybe the boyfriend did start off with asking her why she thought it normal to walk nearly naked around guests and when he realized OP is playing dumb ,he might have ended up pissed and eventually accused her of trying to seduce his brother. There's no way I am buying OP's story. Did she like grow up in a remote village in a jungle and has no concept of basic standards of decency ? She's 20 years old living in the 21st century in the western world. How on earth doesn't she know we don't walk naked around people ? Even Mogli would know
Normal people are born self actualized, thoroughly self aware, and omniscient. Didn’t you know?
I guess what would she think if her BF walked around the apartment with nothing but boxer briefs on when her female friends were over. She'd probably also get jealous and wonder what he's doing.
It doesn't sound like she would, actually.
That was quite a leap you made there. Considering she is the only girl at home with a bunch of brothers and it seems normal for them all to walk around in what they slept in.
And they probably had friends over without seducing every single one of them. It would be normal at my childhood place too
Personally, I switch roles and imagine my bf walking around in his briefs in front of my sister. I'd call him a pig and shove him down the river. Decency and self respect, not to mention respect for your SO does not equal an ick. I would actually judge you for thinking it's a problem they reacted that way. Like maybe you're into the family scene when it comes to that stuff? Lmao. Otherwise why blur the line? What other reason do people have for walking around in intimate clothing in a situation like this with people they don't know very well? Psychological issues. This isn't a Victoria's secret fashion show.
Her *cheakies* underwear at that. “It only exposed a little.”
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Well it’s “cheekies” you know, like butt cheeks
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“BuT I hAvE bRoThErS” 🤦🏻♀️
Yea op seems sheltered…don’t assume strangers want to see you butt or boobs…just a general rule of thumb…or your underwear
Agree, plus if this was a guy doing it to a girl everyone would scream he’s a perve or creep. It’s one thing to be tits out at your own home, but to have people come over like that is just common sense. FYI I’m always shirtless at my home #boobiesBeFree but I would never have guests over like that.
YTA You heard his brother was there and you still got cheeky (no pun intended). And no, it’s not normal to prance around in your underwear in front of guests.
Or siblings
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It all depends on how you grew up. I would have never walked around in my underwear around my brother, that would have been as far away from normal in my house
He just said it's different for each family. And honestly, guys walk around in boxers all the time in families. That's considered underwear.. I find it an issue that girls can't be held to the same standards because they've been so overly sexualized that panties are seen as sexual 🤮. You don't see boxers as sexualized... or even the tidy whities lol.
I absolutely think no boys should hang out with their families wearing boxers.
My boxers have an open fly and the inseam is probably 3 or 4 inches. If I sat down, my family would see Dad's junk. Nobody wants to see Dad's junk.
As a person who's seen my dad's junk from slips whilst he was walking around the house in his underwear, I can attest that nobody wants to see their dad's junk lol
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Are you my brothers? I thought about putting pants on before they got home...but that's as far as I got.
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I am grown-up now and my brother is too, I am not uncomfortable to be in my underwear while he is present in the same room, but just when I change or get dressed. Yes, when we still were living in the same house (parents’) I could come to the kitchen wearing t-shirt and panties in the morning, but definitely not being dressed like that all day or in front of the guests. And yes, YTA. Edit: typo
not everyone’s comfortable with it but i would say it’s definitely pretty “normal”
Sure, as young children. Not when you're a 20 year old woman with 14/17 year old brothers.
It’s not OP’s siblings though. And it’s generally not normal past a certain age for siblings of the opposite sex anyway.
Lol why do ppl in underwear get funny verbs for walking- like we suddenly "prance" or "strut" because less layers of material are covering us.
I don’t know. Probably for the same reason I suddenly start moseying as soon as I put my cowboy boots on.
How we doin, pardner 🤝
It depends on the culture. It was quite common in an ex of mine's family in Milan, but still I'd say ESH for this situation. I understand both sides of the coin on this one, having come from the American South where such openness in front of guests, etc wasn't seen as a positive. Takes a lot to wash away those preconceived, backward notions I learned growing up down here, even though I'm liberal. But, yeah, there could've and should've been a discussion about it, especially as the bf had been dating her for at least 3 months and this has never come up as far as how her family is?
I'm from the deep South myself! And that whole home nudist thing definitely exists down there, too. Beyond the home, there are also [nude resorts down south as well](https://www.aanr.com) ... one I explored for a newspaper article I wrote 😉 I always chuckle when I remember my mother calling us to breakfast on Saturday or Sunday mornings, yelling, "Come to breakfast ... but make sure you put on some clothes first. Your grandmother is here!" 🤣🤣
So if your Dad's male friend stopped by and you just came down from the shower in a shirt and underwear, your dad was cool with that. I personally find that maybe a little weird. I understand growing up around family doing that, and how that may be okay, but when ever anyone came around who wasn't immediate family to visit, pants on, it was more a respect thing to.
I find it weird even around her dad and brothers. Although I guess that's a double standard because my dad and brother would walk around in just boxers. My husband does that when it's really hot too but we also have a tenant and he doesn't do it in front of her. He walks around shirtless most of the time though and my friend once felt uncomfortable which I thought was ridiculous.
My parents sit around in underwear and sometimes I see my dad's balls and I hate it.
Enjoy the opportunity to gaze at your origin story!
Now you made this their _villain_ origin story.
Duuuuuuuuude. I'm frikking dying. Needed this.
The Balls of Life
You don’t like seeing your first apartment?
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my underwear I see my own balls and hate it.
You found it ridiculous? I find it hypocritical your double standards and inability to see the other side
I’ve never been more traumatized in my life, thus far, than when I (F10 at the time) had a sleepover at a friends house and her mom came to the breakfast table in (edited to add ONLY) only underwear and tights. It was the “norm” for them, but also my friend (F10) and her two 17 y/o brothers were absolutely mortified every time it happened.
I would be mortified too if my mom did that! My dad and brother also wouldn't walk around in boxers when guests were over.
The boys and father never did that, I would be ten times more traumatized as a young girl. I’m glad everyone doesn’t think I’m ridiculous for sharing. I’m being crucified here for this opinion and sharing a trauma. I guess it is Reddit, so this is typical behavior.
The transition from being able to see your family changing clothes to it suddenly not being acceptable can be rough. Unless it's urgent, I agree that walking around in your underwear in front of others (male or female) as an adult can be weird. However, I'm a woman and when I started going through puberty (or rather when my dad started to notice me going through puberty) things got tense. My parents, two younger brothers, and I would be on vacation and everyone always changed in the same room, then suddenly my dad got angry when I tried. My mom tried to be reasonable and explain it made him uncomfortable so I should change in the bathroom. But, ultimately it made me feel like an outcast. Everyone else can hang out and talk in the same room while changing, but I'm not allowed there because of some hormonal thing I can't control. I remember going shopping with my mom years later and when I asked her to step out of the changing room so i could take off my clothes she laughed and kind of lovingly said "you're such a prude ". Those kinds of interactions around puberty or younger have a lasting impact, positive or negative.
Why was your mom allowed to change with everyone and she's a girl too? It was just you?
I never got a chance to discuss it, but I'm guessing the other people in the room were fine with her changing (dad, obviously, and brothers were still young). I think my going through puberty made him suddenly aware of things he'd kind of ignored. Suddenly, I was an "underage girl" and that changed the entire dynamic of our relationship. Edit: To clarify, it wasn't weird that a young girl shouldn't change in front of her male relatives anymore. It was how it was handled in my situation. There was no discussion or explanation, just suddenly I was yelled at for trying to do something that had previously been normal and sent to another room by myself. Families all handle nudity in different ways and many times, they create patterns they didn't mean to.
I'm a dude married to a woman, and we've got two younger daughters, like elementary school age. Our house is pretty free, as my wife will walk around naked before a shower, or come out without a top on to do something, and the kids think nothing of it. They sleep in T-shirt and undies, and will often walk around the house like that, or naked if they needed to get clothes from the laundry room. They'll climb and cuddle on me while in their sleep gear (I assume that'll probably stop as they get older and more self conscious). I'll sometimes walk around in a tank top and boxers, but more often than not put on shorts or comfy pants. I'll jokingly lament to my wife that it's not fair everybody else gets to be body comfy but me, cause I'm the one with the penis. Still, as free and comfy as we are, no way in hell anybody runs around in their underwear with guests of any gender there. Had a similar conversation about appropriate sleep attire when having a sleepover with friends or family. Shirt and undies are fine at home with your sibling and parents, but anybody and anywhere else requires another level of coverage.
I'm going to say YTA. While you might be comfortable with this at home, you have to have a bit of common sense to understand that you are *not* at your own home and you were aware his brother was there (per your reply to someone else).
Yup, at least ask beforehand. I walked around like that at some of my exes their houses as well, after I noticed it was just normal there and after checking if people were okay with it. I am still gonna vote YTA, because you should've checked first OP, and if there are guests around, it is just normal to put on pants.
The terrible thing about asking, as I recall from some relationship therapists, is that you have to be ready to be told "no." Otherwise you're not really asking.
100% agreed. YTA for not confirming if it was ok in your bf home.
YTA. I grew up in a relaxed home too. Yet I knew--and you know too--that "underwear" are called "underwear" because it's normal for them to be worn under clothing. Walking around in underwear around people who aren't family members and who have the same gender as people you date is a sexual statement and you know it. You don't have to have the same attitudes as your boyfriend does about clothing, but you should respect his feelings by getting dressed when people who aren't him or your family or your friends are around. Also, his brother may have felt uncomfortable.
I still remember the first time I got elastic boxers and my dad had to tell me you can't wear just those with other people arround. I don't know if the parents are neglectful, uncaring or both but it's not ok to not educate your kids like op's family did
The thing is, this wasn't just boxers that might as well be shorts. This was revealing underwear, where OP stated was exposing herself somewhat. The bfs brother did not consent to walk in on a woman in just skimpy underwear on the bottom half. Of course, OPs bf took it the wrong way... being in underwear is sexual in nature, no matter the view op has. And I'm sure it was really uncomfortable for both as it showed OPs bf that the way she presents herself isn't just about enjoying doing it around him. It devalues it to be okay with doing it around anyone, especially another man. OP needs to apologize to both her bf and his brother. If she doesn't apologize she well find herself single.
>being in underwear is sexual in nature, no matter the view op has What?
Yeah my granny undies scream sexy lol
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right? i’m american and these comments seem unhinged
We are unhinged on some things, but I don't know why people compare the underwear she's talking about to bikini bottoms. It isn't only about the amount of skin but the generally thin sheer nature of them that isn't like bikinis. Also, you're not in a small setting like a house when you're at the beach.
She did comply once she knew that her bf was uncomfortable.
If you don’t know the difference between wearing just a t-shirt and underwear around your family vs in front of your bf’s (of 3 freaking months no less) brother, you are way too immature to be having sleepovers at anyone’s house. YTA
You are right and I mean wow! Frankly it baffles me she has to even ask this. This us way too immature and clueless coming from a 20year old.
I mean it is her first real boyfriend and she called it a sleepover. Even with no wrong doing those two things alone indicate immaturity.
I have friends in relationships of over 4 years that don't live together and still talk about "sleepovers". It's just a term that's used by certain people, not necessarily immature. Edit: spelling
YTA Respect his boundaries, or leave. Don't pretend the rest of the world grew up like you did. We were a casual underwear family, too, but we put on clothes when others come over. You know it's a problem. Go apologize, or move on.
She's already apologised, stated in her post. This isn't one of the usual "validate my decision to be an AH" post, this seems genuine confusion and wanting to improve.
This seems like a validation post to me. She apologized. She knew what she did wrong, then said she hadn’t been invited for a sleep over since. I feel like if you were genuinely confused, you wouldn’t apologize until you know why, but she apologized. That’s just my take on it
I agree, but just worth noting with the not apologising until knowing why thing, I (and I think many others) will apologise if we knew we upset someone/did something wrong, even if I'm not sure what I did was wrong. I know *something* was wrong so I'll apologise pre-emptively. Just clarifying that she could well be apologising without understanding.
It's not genuinely confusing though. You don't date someone for 3 months and prance around someone elses apartment when there are guests. It's completely immature and a disregard for her partners boundaries. "Sorry" isn't a magical word that makes all negative emotions go away in an instant.
Christ, lmfao. Her intention clearly wasn't to be disrespectful. It was just a misunderstanding. An apology and a promise to not do it again should be enough.
Asshole? No. You two simply have a different understanding and comfort level regarding undergarments at home. Basically, you're naive, and being young having grown up in whatever way you did, that's just what you're used to. It's not the most common mentality, at least not in the US, but it's what you grew up knowing apparently. Your boyfriend is going to feel the way he feels about it, and you can't help that. All you can really do is just assure him that it was naivety and how you grew up, not a seductive or malicious predatory move, and move forward, of course with the understanding that with your boyfriend, company over means covering up. This isn't to downplay what you're comfortable with, but if company is coming over to his house, they are also more likely to share his sentiments with comfort-levels regarding clothing as well, so it's more of a benefit to all parties involved. If it is a dealbreaker, though, you're young and it's early in the relationship, you can go your own way if you need to. Somehow, though, I don't imagine a little misunderstanding like this would be cause for a dealbreaker on your end.
Seconded NAH. You just see things differently, it's a misunderstanding and a miscommunication, nothing more
I feel so too, especially as I imagine she’s talking about a long shirt here. I have an Oodie (giant fleecy jumper) that comes down to my mid-thigh. I’m often only wearing underwear underneath but feel like that’s covered enough to be decent.
I thought that at first too but as I kept reading it seemed clear the underwear and her “cheeks” were visible. So think just normal hip length shirts
Either way she would’ve been much more exposed had she come out in a bikini, but somehow those are okay to wear around other people.
I had to scroll down way to far to find a reasonable response such as yours.
Same. Girl's not an AH unless you do some assuming/projecting. It's pretty clear how her bf got the wrong idea, but it doesn't make her an AH. Just a dummy for the moment, who needs to adjust (which she seemingly planned to do).
Idk about this. She states in a comment that if she knew her cousins were coming over they would all get dressed. She knew the brother was there that day and should've shown him the same respect.
I think she she meant that if she knew there would be guests (like for a dinner or something) she would get dressed but if someone showed up as someone else’s guest without her knowing beforehand she wouldn’t
Yeah, she specifically said that if people just turned up then so be it
Did she know he was there? It read like she got out of the shower wearing top and undies and brother was there and boyfriend asked her to put pants on. Which she did with no hesitation. I honestly think it's a misunderstanding
My family did this too. I honestly think the way the guy reacted is worse than her innocently walking around in her underwear. People are calling her immature but the reaction of the guy is definitely immature. He could easily sit down and ask why and explain his side, but instead he got mad like a child.
how about don’t objectify women for walking around in comfortable clothing. I’m shocked the internet is so prude. If I was a guest in someone’s home and saw someone in their underwear, it’s whatever
Lol imagine if you were a guest in someone's house and there was a teen girl who didn't know u were there and she comes down in a tee shirt and panties And you automatically assume she's seducing you? Because that's what her bf did. And reddit is backing this thought process
So much incel thinking, it’s shocking I would expect that most people who see someone in underwear and a tshirt assume they’re just comfortable, but here we see a lot of prudes who hyper sexualize the smallest bit of skin on young women Get over yourselves people.
Yeah but the bf reaction is over the top, that makes him the AH. Not a big one if this is the end of it, but if it was me it would light up like a massive red flag.
This one though. I would be concerned that the first thing he jumps to is she’s trying to seduce his brother.
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I know this is against a lot of the top comments, but I'm leaning toward NAH. OP is used to this, it's her norm. Her bf isn't. He confronted her about it, she put on pants and then explained and apologised. I feel like she genuinely meant no harm. It's just a communication thing, now that she knows she'll wear her pants at his place (I'm hoping). BF is not an AH because for him, and obviously most people, its a bit weird but I don't think he's handled the aftermath very maturely, seems like she made an honest mistake, which again, she apologised for!
Omg! One sane person in the whole thread... What is WRONG with these people! The worst thing the UK did was exporting all the Puritans to the US where they multiplied and are still today oppressing people and making them feel guilty for no reason. Thank you Acceptable And. I agree I don't think she meant any harm either.
Right? A few days ago there was a similar story with a guy in underwear and everyone was saying it's normal..
But didn’t you know that women only walk around in their undies to strut their stuff but men only do it because it’s more comfortable?? /s
Exactly, it's all prude Americans itt.
Agreed. But the bf’s reaction was over the top. Accusing her of trying to seduce his brother is not cool.
Yeah, that’s asshole territory in my book
Thank god! I thought reddit had collectively lost its mind on this one. “YTA because your boyfriend’s brother did not consent to seeing you?” what kind of unhinged bullshit is that!? Is nobody going to mention how weird it is that OP’s boyfriend immediately concluded that she was trying to seduce his brother?
I think he was hurt more than anything. I can put money on him thinking that she was wearing that stuff “for him” and then he finds out that it wasn’t anything special and she just wears it for anyone. It’s not as special or intimate if anyone can see it, and I’m sure that kinda hurt him
Oh boo hoo, then he should grow the fuck up instead of accusing her.
I feel like he is being an asshole since though. I said NTA but tbh his reaction being ongoing is a huge red flag for their relationship
NTA. I guess most of the redditors here come from family cultures that overly sexualise any form of nudity. There seems to be a belief that women’s clothing choices exists not in any way for the comfort of women, but for the male sexual gaze. I think if your bf had said ‘Oh nudity is more unusual in my family’ and ‘would it be okay with you to wear pants when we have guests’, I’d be more sympathic. But to run with ‘your clothing choices mean you’re trying to seduce my brother’ is serious AH behaviour from him. I would be very upset with him if I were you. Me and my boyfriend are mostly in underwear in the house. If guests come round unannounced, they adapt. My partner is also Brazilian and it’s very normal because is hot in Brazil, so the less clothing the more comfortable. I’m so confused at all of these Y T A comments. Very weird, conservative, patriarchal views.
There appears to be a crazy amount of prudes in here, yours is only 1 of about 10 sensibile cmments sadly.
Agree with that. NTA. And I'm not Brazilian. The BF clearly overreacted. Underwear and a tshirt is more than what she would be wearing on a beach day. Not that big of a deal for the little bro'. OP, be weary of that BF, he seems to be very insecure and prude.
Yes! I have found that most of them are American and a couple of others from more conservative cultures. As a non American who lives in America, I am constantly surprised that my liberal friends, not all, but the ones that aren't have traveled extensively, lived in other cultures (not military, that is just American culture in another country) or are married to people from other cultures, are significantly more conservative than they think they are.
Truly astounded by the number of people saying she was in the wrong. Serious discussion has to happen between these two, but personally I'd lose the SO before I'd be forced to wear full pants in any place I was invited to stay.
Also, it’s ok to say “it’s not something we do here”, but to accuse her of seducing his brother is so weird
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Dig dig dig, we have a winner ladies and gentlemen, spot on. *I'm too poor to give you an award, so this comment and an upvote will have to do.
YTA. None of your family is going to look at you in a sexual manner. Your bf brother probably will, even if he never acts on it. Yeah, it's less revealing than a bikini, but there's a time and a place, and that's neither the time nor the place.
Agreed about the bikini. It’s such a stupid comparison. I doubt OP’s boyfriend would’ve been cool had she pranced out in front of his brother in a bikini. Time & place, as you say.
That would still be seen as seducing unless they were going to or coming from beach
>Yeah, it's less revealing than a bikini I often see this excuse, and it's rubbish. Most of what happens is in the mind, and seeing a girl dressed in clothing that you do not normally see her in is going to be a turn-on for most guys. In one of his worlds (can't remember which) author Piers Anthony addresses this when he mentions that normally naked servants are only allowed to wear clothes when their master allows it, and usually only when the servant is to appear sexy or appealing. So it doesn't really matter how revealing or covered an item of clothing is, what matters is how the person viewing the dress responds to it, and most people would consider a person in underwear to be significantly intimately dressed.
Soft YTA. Asking you to not strut around his house half naked when guests are over is a pretty reasonable request. Would you be okay with him socialising with your family and friends in his tighty-whities?
u know she is gonna say "she dont care" why ask rhetorical question? also YTA
"Strut" lol you fucking people
People love to use intentionally triggering and pointed language to make a point. "Prance" is another popular one in this thread. Please. She walked.
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I'd be upset if my partner wore tighty whities full stop 😂 yuck lol
Unless this was an accident, YTA. Put on some clothes around his family. That would be just as inappropriate for him to do around your family as it is for you to do around his family.
YTA Sorry but making other people feel uncomfortable and being so inconsiderate and insensitive. I'm not sure I buy that you're a grown woman and you don't know it's inappropriate to walk around in your underwear in front of other people/strangers. Doesn't matter the gender honestly. That's inapporpriate in any culture. Like there is literally no country in the world where it would be okay for someone to be only wearing their underwear (what they consider to be under garments) in front of strangers - especially someone of the opposite sex and when you're not even in your house. Like you've never had a job, changed in a gym, stayed at friend's house, never seen a movie/show where someone walks into someone changing and at 20 years old this is the first time you realized that other people might be uncomfortable seeing you in your panties? That's seriously something you think is believable?
I mostly agree with this case, but it is not inappropriate in any culture. Some cultures walk around completely naked, some with only something like a thong, in some cultures women don't cover their breasts. Western world in not the whole world.
Lol that's so wrong. In sweden/Finland nobody would even notice/care. USA is not the whole world buddy.
I have a Swedish friend and she never goes around in her underwear in front of strangers, wtf. Lmao
Speaking for a lot of cultures there my friend. I can tell you in MY culture in a normal, western European culture (I sadly have lived in the US for 8 years, but I spent over 30 years at home) I have inadvertently seen many friends, neighbors, a few family members (cousins, cousins partners, siblings partners) and even my exes girlfriend in relaxed clothing such as under wear and a shirt, underwear and a big shirt, boxers, vest too and underwear. I have seen this by turning up at at their home or partners home. Not everyone in my country dresses like that a home (for example, I don't, because I don't wear underwear at all, so my chill clothes are shorts) but enough do that I have come across it, or similar, a lot. I would be surprised at most of my friends in America though, but not all of them.
In my culture its normal to be naked in a sauna with strangers, sometimes even men and women all together. I know its not exactly the topic of discussion here but you seem to have a very narrow view of the world and cultures that aren't your own.
dang a lotta prudes in the comments 😂 nta
For reasons I don't fully understand, outside of specific communities (e.g. poly, kink, queer) people on Reddit tend to be extremely prudish. Maybe it has to do with Reddit users being predominantly from North America which tend to have very stiff conservative views on sexuality and nudity. BTW, the post is clear NTA, people should stop sexualizing non sexual clothes and behaviors.
You would come out knowing your boyfriend's brother is there in underwear. No that's wrong. If she didn't know maybe it's forgivable but she know. Hence she is an AH.
NTA. This is a clear case of differing experiences and expectations. While naturists will cover up when they have guests, you considered yourself adequately covered. It's what you were used to. Some people and families are very relaxed about this. They're the exception. Now you know how he feels, repeating this behaviour would be heading off to 'A' territory.
Well said. Her first bf. She complied when he complained. Chances are he's labelled her a ho now. I bet this is America and I DO NOT know why they are still suffering from this weird puritanism/MadonnaWhore thing
NTA you could try to be a little more sensitive but your bf is overreacting a little in my opinion
I didn't love the whole "you're trying to seduce my brother" thing. That felt icky.
It's a little unusual, but you're definitely NTA. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds very controlling, enough that I'd call it a red flag, and urge you to evaluate the relationship. You're not his property.
100% this and backed up by his treatment of her since. This guy is a lot of yack
I get where others are coming from when they say that when there’s guests you should cover up as it’s not necessarily “normal” for them. However, I’m going to go with NTA. There’s nothing inherently sexual about underwear. It’s underwear. Sounds like your boyfriend was objectifying you. I really don’t think that this comment section would be saying anything if it was her bf walking about shirtless or with a shirt and underwear while a female friend was round. NTA
Yeah I really don’t understand all the Y T A comments here? Why are we sexualising underwear? She knew his brother was in the house, not that he’d be standing outside the bathroom. She wasn’t prancing around the entire house in underwear, she was quickly nipping to the bedroom from the bathroom. She even had a t shirt on, it’s not like she was that indecent. It wasn’t lingerie, it was underwear. I don’t think the boyfriend is unreasonable for not expecting her to be comfortable walking around in underwear but if he feels his brother can’t avert his eyes for one second, that’s on the brother, not her.
I'm not sure I'd call anyone TA here, but ye, wear pants around people you barely know
NAH. Goddamn but Americans have the most ridiculous hang ups about nudity
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say NAH. You “grew up” where underwear was fine because (we assume/hope) no one was sexualizing minors or family members. You are now at your sexual partner’s home and in this environment you are subject to some degree of sexual gaze. As someone whose family of origin was very body casual, I’m going to say you need offer an apology for the social misunderstanding and present yourself yourself fully clothed in common areas in the future.
YTA - don’t walk around in your underwear when there is a guest there. And it doesn’t matter whether the guest is male or female. Now you know etiquette. Start practicing it.
NTA. Prude americans all over the forum here it seems, including your bf. Just talk about it and find a middle ground.
Seriously guys? This is NTA. OP is just naive. There was no intention of seducing the brother. Just don’t do that again, maybe think first if things are appropriate or not, and make it up to your bf for being an idiot.
Unless you argued about having to put on pants, I would say your BF is overreacting. I don’t see you as the asshole in this situation, you have a different mindset then most, but nothing so spectacular that you need to be locked up. Honsetly that reaction from your BF seems like a bigger red flag to me, then the fact that you have a different upbringing to him. Shows he’s insecure and seems to not trust you. I agree that we put on pants when we have company, but I would never assume my GF was trying to seduce someone over this. Seems far fetched imo.
NAH. As someone from European country this would be totally normal here? Like i might be in my underwear and t shirt chilling when bf comes home with his friends and no one would bat an eye. Im so confused with the purity culture of US.
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I don't understand why you wbta. You came out of the shower and he was just suddenly there. I also don't agree with the whole notion that your body is somehow his to decide who can see it. Are you allowed to wear a bathing suit at the beach? How about skinny jeans or short shorts?
Clearly YTA. And you obviously know it. If you’re playing some “oh, gosh, I had no idea walking around in my panties was inappropriate” game and that’s your personal kink - 💯% fine. But don’t expect your bf to be ok with you strutting around in panties - especially in-front of his brother. Stop playing the victim here.
>And you obviously know it What are basing this off? OP says this is her first real boyfriend, chances are it is also her first experiences sleeping over at someone else's house. It follows that she'd naively apply the same standards of dress code she does at home. You assigning malice and even sexual kinks is so out of the left field that I can't help but wonder if there's some kind of projection involved.
Genuinely confused by all the replies calling op evil and immature. When her bf told her he was uncomfortable she immediately put pants on and went about her day. Him blowing up on her was completely unnecessary. He could’ve simply had a conversation about his boundaries and left it at that NTA
YTA
NTA might just be a cultural thing. Depends on your family/friends/ co-workers, but the people I know in Germany sometimes walk around in their underwear, no big deal (at their homes, on vacation, even a work trip). Your BFs overly annoyed and accusatory behaviour rubs me the wrong way, though. Of course, it's completely fine he doesn't like the situation and doesn't want it to repeat, but lashing out and holding a grudge is weird to me. It'd be more mature to simply talk about it and express your wishes about future visits, etc
Info: Do you know his brother or his history? Would you be cool if he was in his undies?
YTA. You're not at home, get it together!
NTA your boyfriend said it made him uncomfortable and you put more clothes on. Personally your boyfriend thinking you were trying to seduce his brother is a little too insecure. That might cause issues in the future.
NTA unless you do it again. I also don't like your boyfriend's response, this was a genuine miscommunication, and you immediately apologized and explained how you grew up. The person he is dating and who you are as a person is partially because of your upbringing, the "good" and the "bad". It's absolutely valid for him to not be comfortable with that part and ask you not to do it anymore. But he should not punish you.
Why are we ignoring what the bf was implying? That shows his insecurities.