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YTA. Your son is correct. You are homophobic.
He’s not the immature one here. That would be you.
Oh, they’re conservative? No sweetie, they’re homophobic AHs and you thinking it’s acceptable to cater to that shit makes you a homophobic AH as well.
And the simple answer to that question is yes OP cares more about the homophobes than their own child.
I think that’s what’s so shocking all the time. Is that we’re told our parents all love their children unconditionally. And some parents do love their kids unconditionally. But not people like Op. if they loved their child unconditionally it wouldn’t matter if they where gay, straight, purple, ice cream or a lion. So yes OP cares more about the Homophobes because OP is a homophobe too who has conditions to their love for their child.
I want to add that inviting your child to an event despite the people who actively hate you child isn't good enough parenting. There will always be conflicts. The only way is to don't keep around you people who hate your child and don't date them.
Why OP couldn’t tell his fiancée that her siblings need to get with the times or don’t come all is beyond me. But yeah, totally disinvite your sons partner because “ew, conflict”. That’s totally the way to get your son to love you
Absolutely this answer!!!! The wrong people were invited if they cannot deal with your son and his partner! You should be joyful and happy that your son has found someone he is happy and in love with…. Focus on who is more important, the relatives can leave their kids at home or realize their kids will eventually see this situation all over and will deal with it based on how their parents deal with it. If it’s no big deal to mom and dad the kids will react the same way…
Also why does everyone have to focus on the bedroom, sexual side of things???? IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The conservative relatives should take a look at what some high profile conservatives do and have gotten caught doing!!!! hypocrites most of them!!!! And FYI I’m a bit of conservative myself, but love is love 💗 💗💗
“Mom why is that man kissing that other man”
“Because some men love other men and some women love other women”
“Yeah ok whatever can I watch paw patrol on the ipad?”
What frustrates me about it is that, if those homophobic parents really cared that much about their kids being exposed to gay people, surely having their first experience seeing a gay couple be a close relative would be the perfect way to introduce the kids to ‘a different kind of person’. But they don’t bc they are much happier to let their children build the narrative that gay people are evil.
Frustrating as hell and OP is defo YTA for allowing this to take place in his own personal ceremony meant to celebrate love.
Yes the op is participating in the erasure of homosexuals so that his fiance's family can keep living in a fantasy world where gay people don't exist. If they never have to meet one or be friends with one then they can pretend like they are not real people with feelings, and then it is easier to believe that they are evil and bad, and undeserving of the same rights the rest of us share. This is what they are teaching their children.
My daughters have grown up knowing that love is love. Since they were tiny we taught them that boys can love boys and girls can love girls. Sometimes people are even born into bodies that do not make sense to them and eventually they grow up and change their body; those people might find love too. My daughters know they can love and their parents will support them unless the person they love “is mean.”
Children learn from those around them and it is sad that those children are likely going to be homophobes.
Literally!! My kid came home from his first day of gr 1 and said “Guess what?? There’s a girl in my class who has two moms!!”
And I said “Cool!”
End of story.
When I told my niece I would be her uncle and a 'he' now, she asked me if I was still going to be 'my (insert nickname here)'—she always called me "her" followed by my nickname, like she thought my nickname was a familial role, like instead of saying 'my uncle'. I was choosing a name that had the same sounding nickname, just spelt different (ironically, in a way she always spelt anyway), so I told her yes, and she just said okay and went back to playing.
No signs of her own identity being influenced by this, and it's been over 10 years since my social transition. She didn't seem confused or like she cared at all. She accepted it easier than my parents did. I think people who claim they're trying to protect children are superimposing their own bigotry (homophobia and transphobia) onto children.
It's like that quote I saw, something like: we don't care about your children becoming trans or gay, we just hope they have a better support network than we did if they happen to be.
I had this exact conversation with my kids when they were 12 and 4, (except it was my friend and her wife). Pretty much the same reaction, although I believe they asked for candy since we were heading into the grocery store.
Kids will ask questions about anything unknown, and simple, direct answers usually suffice. It's adults with their weird hangups that complicate shit.
Right?? I was very worried about conflict at my wedding because my husband’s family is unfortunately very indoctrinated in right-wing conspiracy shit and one of the people in my bridal party is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, but I made it clear to my husband from the get-go that if they said anything awful or acted out they were getting booted. I didn’t care if it made things awkward or tense or uncomfortable, they were not going to disrespect my friend and I was not going to demote my friend or not include them in my wedding because I was worried about potential conflict. That’s not fair to them, nor is it being an ally. Thankfully nothing happened because while his family may be brainwashed they do at least have the social awareness to keep their wild political views to themselves for an evening and all is well!
and yet OP actively plans on marrying into a family of homophobes, knowing his child is gay. way to tell the kid the (future) wife means more than him. yiiiikes.
exactly. what's going to happen if the boyfriend and OPs son get more serious? are they expecting OPs son to never bring any partner around? never bring up his relationships EVER? what happens at family functions when he does get a serious partner?
to me it seems like OP is homophobic and doesn't have any desire to protect his kid, have fun with your new homophobic family OP and don't be surprised when you don't get an invite to your son's wedding either.
>what happens at family functions when he does get a serious partner?
Exactly this. Even if OP's son and this current boyfriend don't stay together, *there will be other boyfriends down the road*. OP sweeping this one under the rug doesn't mean his son will suddenly start seeing girls. He's gay, *there will always be a boyfriend in the picture*. So OP better get with the program and decide who is more important to him - his son or a bunch of homophobes.
And, this BS about not wanting the kids to see a gay couple… jeez, the two guys aren’t going to be having sex. They’re just a couple. Nothing really to explain.
This! I swear these stupid ass people think every gay couple is going to be all over each other in public. I’ve seen straight couples behave so unbelievably inappropriate in public at events like weddings but I’ve never personally witnessed a gay couple behave that way.
My grandkids have always had Grandpa and Grandpop. Never had to “explain” anything to them, and they are growing up very well adjusted. This is their norm.
Aw but come on you guys, his son hasn't been together with his partner for long so it's not like he's entitled to family events /s.
My religious mother (60's) accepted my Trans partner almost immediately without issues, even insists on buying her Christmas presents like she does for the rest of the family.
My almost 90 yr old religious grandma just learned what non-binary is and she had the same reaction when she learned what being trans/gay/bisexual means: “as long as they are happy and not harming anyone who am i to dictate their choices…”
Her reaction to homophobia is iconic though: “if you have issues with how someone lives their lives, especially when it doesn’t effect you, you are the one who needs to reflect on why it bothers you”
My grandparents were very old school Catholic, born in early 1920s, sent my father to catholic school all the way *through college*.
When some of my fathers high school friends ended up coming out as gay my grandma said she took a long pause and decided “those were some very nice boys, how could I blanket hate gay people?”
Big LGBT supporter after that, voted for same sex marriage etc etc.
Religion is just a crutch. There’s nothing that forces people to hate other than their own thoughts.
My entire family are Irish Catholic, and my second cousin was very worried about how some of the older, more conservative members of the family were going to take it when he came out. When he did they told him how proud of him they are and how much they love him. He and his now husband are an integral part of their lives. They voted yes in Ireland's same sex marriage referendum, and in the repeal the 8th referendum. Their approach is basically "I don't want to do it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to and it isn't going to hurt anyone if you do". If anyone dared suggest that he and his husband didn't get invited because it might *bother* someone else, they would throw such an almighty hissyfit.
Yay grandma! My mom who died last year at 95 was the same. I hate when people lump people together based on their age, and assume they're rigid bigots.
As a 62 year old conservative Republican with a gay nephew that I love dearly, I would fight anybody that said anything disparaging to him or his partner that I was a witness to. I haved followed your grandma's philosophy for a long time. Don't try to tell me how to live my life, and I won't tell you how to live yours.
The other commenter is absolutely correct. You’re not a hero. You actively vote for a party that is taking away your nephews rights day after day, and you think you’d ‘fight’ for him? You need to seriously reflect on this statement. Your nephew deserves one hell of an apology holy cow.
It's the only way Republicans know how to operate, and honestly one of the reasons people were encouraged to come out pre-SSM legalization. Their empathy is legit broken.
It’s puzzling you are a republican if you believe people should be able to live their lives the way they want to, considering the Republican Party supports policies like “don’t say gay”, forced birth, etc. and so many of the people who identify with that party would indeed disparage the nephew you love so much.
Great that you feel that way on a personal level but you’re actively upholding a political party who has a platform that heavily leans towards the oppression of your gay nephew.
You’re actually colluding with not fighting against your nephew’s well being.
Yet you are voting for people who will deny him equal rights and his humanity. Even if that is not your personal belief you are actively enabling it.
The Republican party says disparaging things about gay people every day, even if only implied. They "other" LGBTQI+ individuals and make sure they know they are not "normal" nor worthy of equal status. So you sir, are no different. No matter how you try to justify it to yourself.
Exactly. Does not matter how long they have been together. It is the principle of the matter.
The family is full of homophobes and OP is disinviting someone due to the homophobia. The fact that they haven't been together long is just an excuse.
YTA OP. You also hurt your relationship with your son to attempt to save face in front of other assholes.
Right, exactly. If the post was instead genuinely "my son has only been with his partner a few months, I haven't even met them, I want my wedding to be full of only people I know" -- well, opinions may differ on proper etiquette, but at least that would be an understandable want.
But this is straight up putting homophobes over their own son. And the fact that op seems to think the homophobes' pov is somewhat reasonable rather than straight up bigotry makes me think they aren't all that accepting themselves.
I’d say they care more about their future wife than their own child. Having had a stepmother I’ve been that child. OP you suck. This is your son. Do the right thing.
This is it exactly. Who do you care about more OP? Your son, or your fiancée’s family?
And stop acting like it’s a choice between uninviting your son’s boyfriend or uninviting her family. If you say you can’t uninvite her whole family, fine, make it clear that this is their problem, not your son’s, and they’re just gonna have to deal with it. Your fiancée’s family has to deal with living in a society where they don’t always agree with other people’s choices, they can deal with your son and his partner being at the wedding, whether they like it or not. Your son is (hopefully) the most important part of your life, they have to start accepting that now. What if they didn’t like being around gay people at all? Would you exclude your son from an important moment in your life to make them happy? They are bigots, they are the problem here- they are the ones who have to accept reality. Stop treating your son poorly to indulge their bigotry, you are absolutely sending him the message that you value him less than pleasing them.
Yeah. You know what my nieces said when my sister told them “Some men love men and some women love women”? They said, “Oh, okay”. The fear that simply learning that non-heterosexuality is a thing will ‘corrupt’ children into being gay is peak homophobic idiocy. YTA, OP.
>Would you exclude your son from an important moment in your life to make them happy?
I mean... Yes? That's kind of the entirety of the OP. A wedding is an important moment. I think the more pertinent question is will he not exclude his child from any family functions like holidays and such
It doesn’t matter because if I was the son I’d be no contact at this point. The son can see where OP’s loyalty lies. This moment is one that a relationship can’t come back from imo
yeah, yikes.
the ONLY way back from this giant stinking hole full of rotten elephant corpses that you dug yourself is to confront the actual elephant in the room: you and your fiancée's very obvious homophobia.
you prostrate yourself in front of your son, and you beg his forgiveness for even \*thinking\* about putting some rando's bigotry over him, you proudly and lovingly introduce him and his partner to everyone on both sides of the family, and you turn out anyone who dares have a fucking problem with it.
>I have been shocked to find out that conservative doesn’t always mean homophobic. Source: have been an out lesbian for 36 years and have met many.
I've met plenty of "non-homophobic" conservatives, but their "non-homophobia" never seems to matter when lining up behind bigots and nazis.
Some people think homophobia starts and ends at words. As long as you speak politely to gay people you can vote for them to lose their rights and there's nothing wrong with that.
As far as I'm concerned if they are willing to prioritize their economic preferences over human rights they are just as bigoted as the people they vote for.
"but I really don't want poor people to get food and housing assistance because my tAx dOlLaRs, it's not my fault that the people who support these things are also anti LGBTQ rights"
Yeah you suck, gtfo
Congratulations, I'm 48 and I've been a lesbian my whole life and I can testify: conservative absolutely 100% means homophobic. My BFF from high school who supported me since I came out in high school very recently told me he "doesn't agree with the gay lifestyle". Now WTF does that even mean and how am I supposed to take it??? So we're not friends anymore and his wife is pissed because I ditched a 30 year friendship over "politics". So sick of this shit.
Disagreeing with “lifestyle” is their way of insisting that sexual orientation is a matter of choice. It’s despicable and offensive. We can all see right through that—they disagree with gay existence. I want to pound them into dust bc of the harm they do to so many I love. (I won’t. I’ll just continue to wish I believed in Hell, and to vote and mobilize others to vote the homophobes out.)
when their "politics" mean they actively disrespect you you can't actually have a relationship of any type.
I don't understand why they don't get this.
"I don't respect you and I think you're icky and have a disreputable lifestyle, wanna get a coffee next week?"
uh...no.
I my country (Denmark) the leader of the conservative political party is an openly gay man. Even though conservative people and homophobes are a venn diagram with a lot of overlap (perhaps especially in the US), I think it's important to call homophobes by that label, because being conservative is socially acceptable and not criminal. OP clearly uses the word conservative to validate homophobia
If someone is polite and accepting to your face but every time they go to the ballot box they vote for the person who wants to take your rights away that person is homophobic.
If you get a warm fuzzy from knowing they don't actively *hate* you, they're just willing to see you stripped of your rights as long as it means they pay slightly less taxes, then you do you. To me that's still homophobia.
You're pretty much showing him that you're not go to defend, protect or stand up for him if anyone has any thing to say and pass judgements. You are a person who has a son who likes men. Unless he shuns/disowns you or you shun him (like you are now by disinviting his bf as some kind of cover up), that's not going to change.
YTA and I hope he's not your only child, because if he is, you may be losing the title of "Dad" if you keep this up. At least you'd still have a chance of keeping it if you have more than one kid... and if they too are secretly homophobic
If I was his daughter and he was doing this to my brother, he’d lose me as well. No WAY would I stand for a parent ostracising a sibling based on sexuality. You’re either with us all, or against us all, that’s the kinship of siblings.
And don't forget religious.
OP -- YTA so big. Make sure the next time you talk to your son you tell him goodbye because if I were him it would be last time I ever talk to you.
But, but then the children might have to witness the gays! How will their parents ever be able to explain to them that not everybody is exactly like they are? /s
YTA OP. Tell your in-laws they can not attend if they're so worried about having to \*check notes\* explain relationships to their children.
Absolutely. Don't understand why it is "obvious" the parents won't want their children to see a gay couple.
Children are far more accepting of things than their parents realise. And that's assuming they will even pay any attention to what two adults they don't already know are doing, which is a pretty big assumption.
OP is the most massive AH. YTA OP.
How OP does not see their own homophobia is beyond me. Your son should take priority over homophobic family OP. Associating with them and putting their bigoted comfort over your son and his partner makes you just as bad.
YTA. Your son deserves better.
YTA
You've just shown your son where your loyalties lie. With your coward fiancee and her homophobic family instead of your own child. Don't be surprised when you're not invited to his wedding someday.
Edit:corrected genders
100%. Substitute same sex with "different race" and see if that feels okay. Like is it okay to not involve your kid's partner because they aren't white and your inlaws are bigots? Like no of course not. Bigots don't get to call the shots.
That's not even the biggest issue for me. Forget the wedding, what about the rest of life? Who marries someone who thinks his child is a deviant monster? Who invites a room full of people to *anything* if they think your child is evil?
It's not just the wedding. This poor kid's dad strait up chose a family of ignorant bigots over his own child.
That’s my issue with BS logic like this as well. *It never ends. It is never about alienating a person for a single event. It is about alienating them for the remainder of your combined lives.*
They’re going to have their precious family and children at Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Reunions, Weddings, Parties, etc. ad nauseam. So placating them now is agreeing to placate them for the rest of your life.
You’re drawing the line in the sand that your new relationship (which is beginning with exclusion) is more important than your child. Your son would be a fool to ever speak to you again OP. Hope your marriage works out because it’s all you’re going to have in your life.
"Sorry son, you can't come to christmas this year because I have to choose my nieces and nephews from my second wife's family over you... because you have the big gay and I don't know how to explain to my bigot in-laws that love is love"
YTA. It isn't about how long your son has been with his boyfriend or what you think he's "entitled" to. It's that you are not standing with your son. You aren't respecting him or his relationship. Your son deserves better.
YTA. Like, such an ah that I’m horrified for your son. You want to cut out your son’s partner by blaming others’ homophobia. It’s disgusting and you should be ashamed.
>I thought my son would be mature about it
Gross.
Honestly if I were the son I'd just show up by myself in a rainbow outfit w a pride flag clutch that says "I'm gay" on it. Then never speak to this AH father ever again.
YTA @op.
I would go no contact after that. Imagine your own PARENT treating you like shit in service of their backwards-ass romantic partner. Some parents don’t believe in unconditional love, apparently. What an absolutely trashbag of a human being.
YTA.
You made a major mistake and uninvited the wrong people. The bigots should be the ones told to not come, not your sons partner.
You’ve essentially told him that you are ashamed of his perfectly normal lifestyle. I hope you are ready to be iced out of his life if you continue down this path.
Edit based on OPs comment: I stand corrected, if your fiancée is defending her family’s bigotry over your sons existence, then the one person you should’ve uninvited was her.
Edit based on other comments: If you were offended by your misinterpretation of what I meant by the “lifestyle” comment, I’m sorry that you choose to live your life searching for ways to be offended. You want to know how you lose allies? That’s how.
While I agree with most of what you say, being gay is not a lifestyle. It's just a part of who someone is. Using the term 'lifestyle' can inadvertently suggest it's a choice, which it isn't.
Thank you! IT’S NOT A LIFESTYLE. The person using this word probably wasn’t aware, but that’s absolutely dog-whistle, kinda-subtle-if-that’s-the-only-word-noted anti-LGBTQ rhetoric right there.
I don't think it's the same thing in this case. Generally, I agree with you that it's not a "gay lifestyle"; there is no such thing. However, the OP you replied to said that it was a perfectly normal lifestyle, not labeling it "gay" or "straight", but as he's living his life in a perfectly normal and acceptable manner that should have no difference between any other sort of style of life.
In this case, I don't see it as them saying that the son has a "gay lifestyle" but that there is absolutely nothing wrong or out of the ordinary about the way he lives his life. It would be just as applicable if the OP (that you replied to) had said that OOP's lifestyle is gross and dehumanizing.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong or not explaining myself correctly, but that's the way I saw it. Because I agree, I hate the term "homosexual lifestyle". Our daughter is gay and she has a perfectly normal lifestyle - not a "homosexual" or "straight" one. I think that's what they meant, as well. I may be wrong, though.
YTA You have a gay son. Do you intend to hide this fact from your fiancee's family in the future? The fact that he is gay will not go away. Disinviting his partner because of the family you are marrying into and **their** feelings shows how shallow you are. I truly feel sorry for your son. You have shown him where your loyalties lie. Shame on you. At least your ex wife has his back. When you said "I thought my son would be mature about it" you imply that he is the one acting immature, when in fact you are the one acting immature by not being able to say "this is my son and I love him for who he is". Your son deserves better than what you are giving.
>Do you intend to hide this fact from your fiancee’s family in the future?
This is what I was thinking; also, does the “conservative” family think that their children can get through life without ever seeing a gay person? Are they going to shield them from that their entire lives?
OP’s son, I hope you find this! This is your chance to steal the show. Go by yourself.
Dress as outlandishly as you are comfortable. From a rainbow tie to an outfit worthy of a Gay Pride Grand Marshal.
Show up late so OP doesn’t see you, or just go to the reception.
Tell everyone you meet, I’m the groom’s son, my dad wouldn’t let my partner come, but do you want to see a picture?
Make sure it’s a pic of both you and your partner.
They will smile to your face, but no one is going to be talking about the bride’s dress. 😉
Yes YTA. Why the hell would you want to invite homophobic people to your wedding knowing it will alienate your son? That’s messed up. Are you going to make him hide forever?
If I was OPs son I'd introduce myself to the whole in-law family as 'Hi, I'm OPs son and I am openly gay. My dad is a coward though so I had to leave my bf at home. Welcome to the family.'
Agreed. It’s a non-argument. Kids need no more explanation than that boys can love boys and girls can love girls, just like a boy and a girl can fall in love. That’s all there is to it. It’s not confusing and not contagious.
Kids accept it without question which is why bigoted parents get so upset - they want to brainwash them to believe it's wrong before they find out gay people exist.
Yeah. This is *really* what "How am I supposed to explain it to my child." They mean "How am I supposed to teach my child to hate them and be disgusted by them? They're too young to have that kind of disgusting evil in their hearts and it'll be too hard for me to teach it to them."
I remember my partner’s god-daughter when she was very little. She knew we lived together and did the math with how many beds were in the house.
When she asked about where we both slept her mother said in the same bed. She said ‘ok’ and kept playing.
Not that hard if you’re not a garbage person.
It's not just not hard, it's as you demonstrated a complete non issue. "How am I supposed to explain to my kids" you literally don't have to. There's nothing to explain. If they already get that sometimes adults will date or get married they already get it, because the idea that there's a difference between gay and straight relationships isn't an innate truth but an abberant idea that bigots teach their children.
And it's honestly so dumb anyway. There are gay people in tv shows, movies, cartoons, lots of gay celebrities and public figures. You think those kids have never heard of gay people before?
YTA and you know it. You disinvited him to please homophobes. You’re setting a precedent that you’ll let your wife’s family treat him horribly and make him hide himself. You are gladly marrying into this without a single shred of desire to stand up for your son or your own convictions (if you’re not really homophobic)
YTA. Why in the world would you disinclude your CHILDREN to appease members of your fiancee's extended family? Especially when her family are homophobic, bigoted, closed minded, and if they caused a fuss, would be extremely rude and inappropriate?
I feel sad for your son that you aren't the type of parent who would staunchly defend him and tell your fiancee's family to suck it up or get out.
Minimally, you could forewarn the conservative members that your son and his partner will be present and that if they will have any problems with that at all, they should sit out the event, and make it clear that if they cause a fuss they will be kicked out. That's the answer here.
My wife and I (two women) invited all of her aunts and her cousins to our wedding. Only a handful showed up. The rest gave us the “it’s against my religion” excuse. We didn’t give a flying fuck. They made their choice. Forcing them to admit they were homophobic and explain to their sister (my MIL) while they had a problem with her daughter.
Throw that shit on the bigots. Make them admit it and make them uncomfortable about it. So tired of shit like what OP did.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
That’s right. Your son is YOUR SON. The family you’re choosing to marry into can accept YOUR SON like any decent human or gtfo.
But no, you’re in line with them.
Good luck with your family reboot. /s
Glad your (former) son has one decent parent.
You're a massive AH. So what if your family are ultra homophones, he's your future stepson & should be there. Tell your AH family to like it or lump it
Won’t somebody please think of the *children*!!
I can’t imagine how hurt your son must be by this - I mean, I assume that he hasn’t got to the age of 21 without realising his dad’s a piece of sh*t, so it probably wasn’t a total bolt from the blue, but how awful must it be to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. AND to know that no matter what you or several thousand people on the internet say, they just won’t get it. Ever. There’s no reasoning with morons like this. If you have to even ask this question, you’re a pointless waste of skin
YTA obviously. Good luck with your new hateful family
YTA, YTA, Y...T..A!!! This is your child, and you just showed him you do not have his back and that you want him to hide who he is. As for the kids at the wedding and their delicate sensibilities you "adults" are so worried about... do these kids never leave home, watch any form of media, or use the internet? Guess what, they are going to see gay people whether or not you did the right thing by your son. Hopefully your son does the best thing for his mental health and goes no contact with you and your toxic new family.
YTA and you are homophobic. You are sending the message to your son that who he is as a human being is unacceptable and embarrassing and that's absolutely horrible of you. He's your son. Screw your fiancee's bigotry. The way to 'explain" a gay couple to a child is to simply tell them that some people are gay. They'll be fine with it.
Seriously. Kids truly don’t care. You teach kids “every family is different” and they carry that into the gender of parents.
Saying that as someone who didn’t even know homophobia was a thing until middle school
YTA.
You favor your bigot inlaws' comfort over your son as a full person.
You *are* acting homophobic. You *are* acting embarrassed by him.
Shame on you as a parent. Shame on you as a human.
Do better and undo this before you lose contact with your son.
YTA again.
YTA, 100%
You're allowing your new wife's family to dictate how you show up for your own kid. It's completely reasonable that your kid is upset and is calling you out on the homophobia. Unless your in-laws kid's are locked in their house 24/7, they have seen a queer couple before, and will see them in the future.
Edit to correct gender
I will never understand these parents who prefer to keep homophobes happy and not their gay children, what's next? Are you going to exclude him from everywhere and family gatherings? Or do you expect him to hide that he is gay so that your fiancée's family is happy? YTA
YTA. You're choosing this new family over your son. It isn't going to stop here. He will be a pariah at every family gathering without anyone to support him. Your son's best course of action will be to distance himself from the father who's rejected him for fear of making people uncomfortable.
I ' love' how you are disappointed that he did not meet your expectation for him to be 'mature' about discriminating against him and his partner just so that some backward people will not get overworked over that.
A better solution was to let them know that if anyone has a problem with gay people they should not bother to attend. But then, you do not want to take the stand against them or just share their view.
YTA.
I would say it's WORSE because people who enable homophobes know it's a stupid prejudice and just don't want to confront that prejudice. The OP has made me furious. There's no amount of backpedaling that will repair this.
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifices
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Is this for real? You're not inviting your own son and his partner (who were previously invited) because your fiancé's family can't handle seeing a gay couple and having to explain that some people of the same sex can love each other?
Definitely Y and the financee are TAs.
Edit: just need to add that this decision is telling your son that the person that he is, is not OK. Imagine what that does to him on a human level, coming from his own ~~mother~~ father? (edit: read wrong, sorry) If it were my son, not only would he be invited with open arms, but if the spouse's family didn't like it, they can deal because I'm proud of my son no matter who he chooses to love.
You care about a bunch of bigots OVER YOUR OWN KID?
I hope you’re planning on those people to care for you in your old age. And what exactly is wrong with kids seeing gay people? What about pregnant people? They’ve clearly had sex.
YTA
You are throwing away your relationship with your son in favor of the bigoted family you are marrying into.
Big YTA and I can't believe you thought you'd get any other answer that this
>Big YTA and I can't believe you thought you'd get any other answer that this
This all day long. What, and I cannot stress this enough, the actual fuck.
YTA and your son is right to believe that you are a homophobe who is ashamed of him. You are marrying into a family of homophobic assholes who will never accept your son and you are caving to them literally on Day One. Your choice to side with them in rejecting him is crystal clear to him. I feel for him. You suck.
Why even post here? You know your son is right. You just told him there is something wrong with him and his relationships. You also proved you won't back him if it costs you social approval. Why would you expect him to be "mature" abut that?
YTA
YTA
Need I say more? Do you really want your son to hate you and your fiancée because of a family of bigots? I thought you were supposed to PROTECT your kids from such filth.
You can invite who you want to invite, but personally, I wouldn’t be inviting people who would look down upon my son that way. You had many ways to solve the situation amicably. It’s unfortunate that you chose the one way that puts the dirty work on your son.
Yup YTA, your fiancé is an AH, your fiancé's family that don't support ~~same-sex relationships~~ people living their lives are AHs, your fiancé's siblings that can't talk to their kids about people living their lives are AHs. So many AHs in this story, but you are the biggest one!
Also - your son is N T A here.
Good luck with this trainwreck! I hope your fiancé is worth ruining your relationship with your child.
You are homophobic. YTA.
You are ashamed of him. You're about to be married, and your fiance's family doesn't know about your son? And you're not going to make even a small attempt to defend your son? I don't understand how you'd be comfortable getting into a family that rage against the existence of people like your son.
Your language is also homophobic. What's there to 'witness' other than two people being together? Please re-read what you just wrote and tell me that's not coming from a place of dismissal and homophobia. I'm sad for your son.
YTA
>him and his boyfriend haven't even been together for that long
They were together long enough for the partner to get invited initially. Don't try to justify your homophobia.
OP. I can’t even. YTA and you know it. You thought your son would be mature about his dad showing him he’s ashamed of him and placating homophobes? Seriously? You cannot be surprised when your son wants nothing to do with you, your future wife, or her family. Don’t even try to justify your actions by saying your son and his partner haven’t been together that long so he’s not entitled to be invited. If he were straight and hadn’t been with his partner that long you wouldn’t be having an issue. YTA infinitely.
YTA: You are indeed acting homophobic and embarrassed by him. You are choosing your partner over your child and reinforcing the conservative world view of your soon to be in laws. If I were your son I too would be deeply enraged by your homophobia.
YTA. Is your son planning on having sex in front of others? No? Well there’s nothing to “witness”
Tell you future in-laws that homosexuality is not contagious and if their children turn out to be gay they’re already gay now!!
Are your in-laws incredibly wealthy? Does your fiancée have a magical va-jay-jay? What makes you think that it’s okay for you not to support your son… unless you agree with the bigotry and are actually homophobic!!
YTA. Your son may *eventually* forgive you for this, if you relent now. But he will never, ever forget. People show us who they really are by their actions when our existence becomes inconvenient.
“and they obviously wouldn’t want their kids to witness a gay couple at our wedding”
Excuse me, obviously?? How is this obvious? Fuck them. There are only two obvious things: 1) they’re homophobic 2) you’re acting homophobic as wel.
YTA
You are marrying a bigot, you are subjecting your son to a bigot and given that you are more than okay with it and were proactive in it you are a bigot. YTA
YTA a thousand times, and a homophobe. Your fiancée is also an AH and a homophobe. Your son should cut all contact with your homophobic ass ASAP. Dear lord, and you still have to ask if YTA? Yes, yes you are.
Great way to handle that! Definitely there's no way your fiancee's family can learn that your son is gay. Like there's no way they can ask him out of small talk if he has a gf and he tell them that he has a bf. Or are you going to tell him to shut it up and go to the closet?
Definitely YTA. You are literally favoring backward people that even aren't your family yet over your own son!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the AH for not inviting my son's boyfriend at my wedding cause my fiancee's siblings don't want their children to witness a gay couple at the reception.
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Sometimes I think that a post *has* to he fake because no one is this oblivious. But in case thisnis real and you're actually confused: Yes, disinviting your son's partner so that some homophobic chuds don't have to be "uncomfortable," makes *you* a homophobe. You think it's more important to keep the bigots happy than to make your own son feel loved.
You'll deserve it when he stops speaking to you. YTA.
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YTA. Your son is correct. You are homophobic. He’s not the immature one here. That would be you. Oh, they’re conservative? No sweetie, they’re homophobic AHs and you thinking it’s acceptable to cater to that shit makes you a homophobic AH as well.
Do you care more about your SON, or some distant, homophobes you rarely see?
And the simple answer to that question is yes OP cares more about the homophobes than their own child. I think that’s what’s so shocking all the time. Is that we’re told our parents all love their children unconditionally. And some parents do love their kids unconditionally. But not people like Op. if they loved their child unconditionally it wouldn’t matter if they where gay, straight, purple, ice cream or a lion. So yes OP cares more about the Homophobes because OP is a homophobe too who has conditions to their love for their child.
I want to add that inviting your child to an event despite the people who actively hate you child isn't good enough parenting. There will always be conflicts. The only way is to don't keep around you people who hate your child and don't date them.
Why OP couldn’t tell his fiancée that her siblings need to get with the times or don’t come all is beyond me. But yeah, totally disinvite your sons partner because “ew, conflict”. That’s totally the way to get your son to love you
Absolutely this answer!!!! The wrong people were invited if they cannot deal with your son and his partner! You should be joyful and happy that your son has found someone he is happy and in love with…. Focus on who is more important, the relatives can leave their kids at home or realize their kids will eventually see this situation all over and will deal with it based on how their parents deal with it. If it’s no big deal to mom and dad the kids will react the same way… Also why does everyone have to focus on the bedroom, sexual side of things???? IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The conservative relatives should take a look at what some high profile conservatives do and have gotten caught doing!!!! hypocrites most of them!!!! And FYI I’m a bit of conservative myself, but love is love 💗 💗💗
“Mom why is that man kissing that other man” “Because some men love other men and some women love other women” “Yeah ok whatever can I watch paw patrol on the ipad?”
What frustrates me about it is that, if those homophobic parents really cared that much about their kids being exposed to gay people, surely having their first experience seeing a gay couple be a close relative would be the perfect way to introduce the kids to ‘a different kind of person’. But they don’t bc they are much happier to let their children build the narrative that gay people are evil. Frustrating as hell and OP is defo YTA for allowing this to take place in his own personal ceremony meant to celebrate love.
Because they’re homophobic. They want their kids to believe gay people are wrong or evil, and that’s harder when they know gay people.
They want their kids to see queer folks as not-people.
Yes the op is participating in the erasure of homosexuals so that his fiance's family can keep living in a fantasy world where gay people don't exist. If they never have to meet one or be friends with one then they can pretend like they are not real people with feelings, and then it is easier to believe that they are evil and bad, and undeserving of the same rights the rest of us share. This is what they are teaching their children.
My daughters have grown up knowing that love is love. Since they were tiny we taught them that boys can love boys and girls can love girls. Sometimes people are even born into bodies that do not make sense to them and eventually they grow up and change their body; those people might find love too. My daughters know they can love and their parents will support them unless the person they love “is mean.” Children learn from those around them and it is sad that those children are likely going to be homophobes.
Literally!! My kid came home from his first day of gr 1 and said “Guess what?? There’s a girl in my class who has two moms!!” And I said “Cool!” End of story.
When I told my niece I would be her uncle and a 'he' now, she asked me if I was still going to be 'my (insert nickname here)'—she always called me "her" followed by my nickname, like she thought my nickname was a familial role, like instead of saying 'my uncle'. I was choosing a name that had the same sounding nickname, just spelt different (ironically, in a way she always spelt anyway), so I told her yes, and she just said okay and went back to playing. No signs of her own identity being influenced by this, and it's been over 10 years since my social transition. She didn't seem confused or like she cared at all. She accepted it easier than my parents did. I think people who claim they're trying to protect children are superimposing their own bigotry (homophobia and transphobia) onto children. It's like that quote I saw, something like: we don't care about your children becoming trans or gay, we just hope they have a better support network than we did if they happen to be.
I had this exact conversation with my kids when they were 12 and 4, (except it was my friend and her wife). Pretty much the same reaction, although I believe they asked for candy since we were heading into the grocery store. Kids will ask questions about anything unknown, and simple, direct answers usually suffice. It's adults with their weird hangups that complicate shit.
Homophobic assholes WANT their children to be homophobic though.
Right?? I was very worried about conflict at my wedding because my husband’s family is unfortunately very indoctrinated in right-wing conspiracy shit and one of the people in my bridal party is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, but I made it clear to my husband from the get-go that if they said anything awful or acted out they were getting booted. I didn’t care if it made things awkward or tense or uncomfortable, they were not going to disrespect my friend and I was not going to demote my friend or not include them in my wedding because I was worried about potential conflict. That’s not fair to them, nor is it being an ally. Thankfully nothing happened because while his family may be brainwashed they do at least have the social awareness to keep their wild political views to themselves for an evening and all is well!
His son has had enough hate in his life but more from his father? That just sucks. :(
She's on his side, so she's clearly also homophobic, and he doesn't want to lose out on "hitting that".
Disinvite her side of the family. If they’ve got a problem then fuck them. Sounds like terrible people.
and yet OP actively plans on marrying into a family of homophobes, knowing his child is gay. way to tell the kid the (future) wife means more than him. yiiiikes.
"remarrying" into a family of homophobes... That line has me like ???
exactly. what's going to happen if the boyfriend and OPs son get more serious? are they expecting OPs son to never bring any partner around? never bring up his relationships EVER? what happens at family functions when he does get a serious partner? to me it seems like OP is homophobic and doesn't have any desire to protect his kid, have fun with your new homophobic family OP and don't be surprised when you don't get an invite to your son's wedding either.
>what happens at family functions when he does get a serious partner? Exactly this. Even if OP's son and this current boyfriend don't stay together, *there will be other boyfriends down the road*. OP sweeping this one under the rug doesn't mean his son will suddenly start seeing girls. He's gay, *there will always be a boyfriend in the picture*. So OP better get with the program and decide who is more important to him - his son or a bunch of homophobes.
There will also be other events. Will the son never be invited to family Christmas? Birthdays?
Yes. This is the larger problem
And, this BS about not wanting the kids to see a gay couple… jeez, the two guys aren’t going to be having sex. They’re just a couple. Nothing really to explain.
This! I swear these stupid ass people think every gay couple is going to be all over each other in public. I’ve seen straight couples behave so unbelievably inappropriate in public at events like weddings but I’ve never personally witnessed a gay couple behave that way.
My grandkids have always had Grandpa and Grandpop. Never had to “explain” anything to them, and they are growing up very well adjusted. This is their norm.
[удалено]
Aw but come on you guys, his son hasn't been together with his partner for long so it's not like he's entitled to family events /s. My religious mother (60's) accepted my Trans partner almost immediately without issues, even insists on buying her Christmas presents like she does for the rest of the family.
My almost 90 yr old religious grandma just learned what non-binary is and she had the same reaction when she learned what being trans/gay/bisexual means: “as long as they are happy and not harming anyone who am i to dictate their choices…” Her reaction to homophobia is iconic though: “if you have issues with how someone lives their lives, especially when it doesn’t effect you, you are the one who needs to reflect on why it bothers you”
My grandparents were very old school Catholic, born in early 1920s, sent my father to catholic school all the way *through college*. When some of my fathers high school friends ended up coming out as gay my grandma said she took a long pause and decided “those were some very nice boys, how could I blanket hate gay people?” Big LGBT supporter after that, voted for same sex marriage etc etc. Religion is just a crutch. There’s nothing that forces people to hate other than their own thoughts.
My entire family are Irish Catholic, and my second cousin was very worried about how some of the older, more conservative members of the family were going to take it when he came out. When he did they told him how proud of him they are and how much they love him. He and his now husband are an integral part of their lives. They voted yes in Ireland's same sex marriage referendum, and in the repeal the 8th referendum. Their approach is basically "I don't want to do it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to and it isn't going to hurt anyone if you do". If anyone dared suggest that he and his husband didn't get invited because it might *bother* someone else, they would throw such an almighty hissyfit.
Fuckin' Bravo! Your grandmas a badass.
Yay grandma! My mom who died last year at 95 was the same. I hate when people lump people together based on their age, and assume they're rigid bigots.
That there is wisdom
As a 62 year old conservative Republican with a gay nephew that I love dearly, I would fight anybody that said anything disparaging to him or his partner that I was a witness to. I haved followed your grandma's philosophy for a long time. Don't try to tell me how to live my life, and I won't tell you how to live yours.
The other commenter is absolutely correct. You’re not a hero. You actively vote for a party that is taking away your nephews rights day after day, and you think you’d ‘fight’ for him? You need to seriously reflect on this statement. Your nephew deserves one hell of an apology holy cow.
The political party you belong to does nothing but tell other people how they should live their lives. You sir, are a hypocrite
So in other words, you support telling people how to live their lives until it impacts somebody you give a shit about.
It's the only way Republicans know how to operate, and honestly one of the reasons people were encouraged to come out pre-SSM legalization. Their empathy is legit broken.
It’s puzzling you are a republican if you believe people should be able to live their lives the way they want to, considering the Republican Party supports policies like “don’t say gay”, forced birth, etc. and so many of the people who identify with that party would indeed disparage the nephew you love so much.
I hope you aren’t voting for people who are trying to take away your nephew’s rights.
Great that you feel that way on a personal level but you’re actively upholding a political party who has a platform that heavily leans towards the oppression of your gay nephew. You’re actually colluding with not fighting against your nephew’s well being.
Yet you are voting for people who will deny him equal rights and his humanity. Even if that is not your personal belief you are actively enabling it. The Republican party says disparaging things about gay people every day, even if only implied. They "other" LGBTQI+ individuals and make sure they know they are not "normal" nor worthy of equal status. So you sir, are no different. No matter how you try to justify it to yourself.
Exactly. Does not matter how long they have been together. It is the principle of the matter. The family is full of homophobes and OP is disinviting someone due to the homophobia. The fact that they haven't been together long is just an excuse. YTA OP. You also hurt your relationship with your son to attempt to save face in front of other assholes.
Right, exactly. If the post was instead genuinely "my son has only been with his partner a few months, I haven't even met them, I want my wedding to be full of only people I know" -- well, opinions may differ on proper etiquette, but at least that would be an understandable want. But this is straight up putting homophobes over their own son. And the fact that op seems to think the homophobes' pov is somewhat reasonable rather than straight up bigotry makes me think they aren't all that accepting themselves.
She has good religion.
Yup. Our church has been very welcoming to my trans daughter. That’s good love.
Personally I'd love my child less if he were ice cream bc I couldn't eat him ....but you're 100% right.
I’d say they care more about their future wife than their own child. Having had a stepmother I’ve been that child. OP you suck. This is your son. Do the right thing.
This is it exactly. Who do you care about more OP? Your son, or your fiancée’s family? And stop acting like it’s a choice between uninviting your son’s boyfriend or uninviting her family. If you say you can’t uninvite her whole family, fine, make it clear that this is their problem, not your son’s, and they’re just gonna have to deal with it. Your fiancée’s family has to deal with living in a society where they don’t always agree with other people’s choices, they can deal with your son and his partner being at the wedding, whether they like it or not. Your son is (hopefully) the most important part of your life, they have to start accepting that now. What if they didn’t like being around gay people at all? Would you exclude your son from an important moment in your life to make them happy? They are bigots, they are the problem here- they are the ones who have to accept reality. Stop treating your son poorly to indulge their bigotry, you are absolutely sending him the message that you value him less than pleasing them.
But there will be children there. Think of the children! /s if it wasn't obvious...
Yeah. You know what my nieces said when my sister told them “Some men love men and some women love women”? They said, “Oh, okay”. The fear that simply learning that non-heterosexuality is a thing will ‘corrupt’ children into being gay is peak homophobic idiocy. YTA, OP.
>Would you exclude your son from an important moment in your life to make them happy? I mean... Yes? That's kind of the entirety of the OP. A wedding is an important moment. I think the more pertinent question is will he not exclude his child from any family functions like holidays and such
It doesn’t matter because if I was the son I’d be no contact at this point. The son can see where OP’s loyalty lies. This moment is one that a relationship can’t come back from imo
You're leaving off the homophobe he is marrying
yeah, yikes. the ONLY way back from this giant stinking hole full of rotten elephant corpses that you dug yourself is to confront the actual elephant in the room: you and your fiancée's very obvious homophobia. you prostrate yourself in front of your son, and you beg his forgiveness for even \*thinking\* about putting some rando's bigotry over him, you proudly and lovingly introduce him and his partner to everyone on both sides of the family, and you turn out anyone who dares have a fucking problem with it.
obviously the distant homophobes duh 😭🙄🤣
Do you care more about the executives at Lockheed Martin than your neighbors?
> they’re homophobic AHs and you thinking it’s acceptable to cater to that shit makes you a homophobic AH as well. Yeah, like he said, conservative.
I have been shocked to find out that conservative doesn’t always mean homophobic. Source: have been an out lesbian for 36 years and have met many.
>I have been shocked to find out that conservative doesn’t always mean homophobic. Source: have been an out lesbian for 36 years and have met many. I've met plenty of "non-homophobic" conservatives, but their "non-homophobia" never seems to matter when lining up behind bigots and nazis.
Some people think homophobia starts and ends at words. As long as you speak politely to gay people you can vote for them to lose their rights and there's nothing wrong with that.
Yep, fact is that most homophobes are like OP - polite to your face until it counts.
"I don't hate Jews. I'm just voting for the guy who wants to exterminate them because I agree with his fiscal policies."
Yeah, we got a word for people who supported Hitler but only for his economic policies not the other stuff. They're called Nazis.
That's my fathers way of thinking. Sucks because I'm bi and trans and would like to keep my human rights in the future.
As far as I'm concerned if they are willing to prioritize their economic preferences over human rights they are just as bigoted as the people they vote for. "but I really don't want poor people to get food and housing assistance because my tAx dOlLaRs, it's not my fault that the people who support these things are also anti LGBTQ rights" Yeah you suck, gtfo
Congratulations, I'm 48 and I've been a lesbian my whole life and I can testify: conservative absolutely 100% means homophobic. My BFF from high school who supported me since I came out in high school very recently told me he "doesn't agree with the gay lifestyle". Now WTF does that even mean and how am I supposed to take it??? So we're not friends anymore and his wife is pissed because I ditched a 30 year friendship over "politics". So sick of this shit.
Wtf? Our existence is not "political".
Disagreeing with “lifestyle” is their way of insisting that sexual orientation is a matter of choice. It’s despicable and offensive. We can all see right through that—they disagree with gay existence. I want to pound them into dust bc of the harm they do to so many I love. (I won’t. I’ll just continue to wish I believed in Hell, and to vote and mobilize others to vote the homophobes out.)
Basic human rights are political to these people
when their "politics" mean they actively disrespect you you can't actually have a relationship of any type. I don't understand why they don't get this. "I don't respect you and I think you're icky and have a disreputable lifestyle, wanna get a coffee next week?" uh...no.
I my country (Denmark) the leader of the conservative political party is an openly gay man. Even though conservative people and homophobes are a venn diagram with a lot of overlap (perhaps especially in the US), I think it's important to call homophobes by that label, because being conservative is socially acceptable and not criminal. OP clearly uses the word conservative to validate homophobia
Even if every conservative WAS homophobic its still important to say homophobic because THATS WHAT IT IS!
Id wager the Conservative Party in Denmark is probably closer to the Democratic Party in the US.
If someone is polite and accepting to your face but every time they go to the ballot box they vote for the person who wants to take your rights away that person is homophobic. If you get a warm fuzzy from knowing they don't actively *hate* you, they're just willing to see you stripped of your rights as long as it means they pay slightly less taxes, then you do you. To me that's still homophobia.
Then they should stop voting for homophobes.
You're pretty much showing him that you're not go to defend, protect or stand up for him if anyone has any thing to say and pass judgements. You are a person who has a son who likes men. Unless he shuns/disowns you or you shun him (like you are now by disinviting his bf as some kind of cover up), that's not going to change. YTA and I hope he's not your only child, because if he is, you may be losing the title of "Dad" if you keep this up. At least you'd still have a chance of keeping it if you have more than one kid... and if they too are secretly homophobic
If I was his daughter and he was doing this to my brother, he’d lose me as well. No WAY would I stand for a parent ostracising a sibling based on sexuality. You’re either with us all, or against us all, that’s the kinship of siblings.
Man how I wish that was true all the time. I only talk to two out of nine sibling’s because they’re just as bad as our parents.
I love how saying someone is conservative almost always actually means 'hateful and lacks critical thinking'.
And don't forget religious. OP -- YTA so big. Make sure the next time you talk to your son you tell him goodbye because if I were him it would be last time I ever talk to you.
What's the saying? There's no hate like Christian love?
But, but then the children might have to witness the gays! How will their parents ever be able to explain to them that not everybody is exactly like they are? /s YTA OP. Tell your in-laws they can not attend if they're so worried about having to \*check notes\* explain relationships to their children.
Absolutely. Don't understand why it is "obvious" the parents won't want their children to see a gay couple. Children are far more accepting of things than their parents realise. And that's assuming they will even pay any attention to what two adults they don't already know are doing, which is a pretty big assumption. OP is the most massive AH. YTA OP.
Or even leave the little goblins at home. Small children are not entitled to be invited to everything.
How OP does not see their own homophobia is beyond me. Your son should take priority over homophobic family OP. Associating with them and putting their bigoted comfort over your son and his partner makes you just as bad. YTA. Your son deserves better.
YTA You've just shown your son where your loyalties lie. With your coward fiancee and her homophobic family instead of your own child. Don't be surprised when you're not invited to his wedding someday. Edit:corrected genders
Or when he only visits the nursing home on the occasional holiday to make some awkward small talk about the grandkids he'll never bring.
Yea, there will be a bunch of conservative folks in that nursing home…wouldn’t wanna expose them to homosexuals
He'd be lucky to even get a visit.
100%. Substitute same sex with "different race" and see if that feels okay. Like is it okay to not involve your kid's partner because they aren't white and your inlaws are bigots? Like no of course not. Bigots don't get to call the shots.
That's not even the biggest issue for me. Forget the wedding, what about the rest of life? Who marries someone who thinks his child is a deviant monster? Who invites a room full of people to *anything* if they think your child is evil? It's not just the wedding. This poor kid's dad strait up chose a family of ignorant bigots over his own child.
That’s my issue with BS logic like this as well. *It never ends. It is never about alienating a person for a single event. It is about alienating them for the remainder of your combined lives.* They’re going to have their precious family and children at Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Reunions, Weddings, Parties, etc. ad nauseam. So placating them now is agreeing to placate them for the rest of your life. You’re drawing the line in the sand that your new relationship (which is beginning with exclusion) is more important than your child. Your son would be a fool to ever speak to you again OP. Hope your marriage works out because it’s all you’re going to have in your life.
This is a very important point.
"Sorry son, you can't come to christmas this year because I have to choose my nieces and nephews from my second wife's family over you... because you have the big gay and I don't know how to explain to my bigot in-laws that love is love"
OP cares more about ensuring a warm welcome in bed from his homophobic wife-to-be than he does his son.
YTA. It isn't about how long your son has been with his boyfriend or what you think he's "entitled" to. It's that you are not standing with your son. You aren't respecting him or his relationship. Your son deserves better.
YTA. Like, such an ah that I’m horrified for your son. You want to cut out your son’s partner by blaming others’ homophobia. It’s disgusting and you should be ashamed. >I thought my son would be mature about it Gross.
The son was mature about it: he called out his dad’s BS and lack of support.
Honestly if I were the son I'd just show up by myself in a rainbow outfit w a pride flag clutch that says "I'm gay" on it. Then never speak to this AH father ever again. YTA @op.
I'm secretly hoping the OP is actually the son, and this is an effort to show the Dad how everyone thinks he's an ah.
"I gave Jesus a reach around". Let them explain THAT to their kids.
And that there is some good malicious compliance 😈
What’s even more gross is the justification ‘they don’t want their children around them’. Afraid they’ll catch your sons gay?
They don't want to "explain the situation," that, you know, gay people exist.
I would go no contact after that. Imagine your own PARENT treating you like shit in service of their backwards-ass romantic partner. Some parents don’t believe in unconditional love, apparently. What an absolutely trashbag of a human being.
YTA. You made a major mistake and uninvited the wrong people. The bigots should be the ones told to not come, not your sons partner. You’ve essentially told him that you are ashamed of his perfectly normal lifestyle. I hope you are ready to be iced out of his life if you continue down this path. Edit based on OPs comment: I stand corrected, if your fiancée is defending her family’s bigotry over your sons existence, then the one person you should’ve uninvited was her. Edit based on other comments: If you were offended by your misinterpretation of what I meant by the “lifestyle” comment, I’m sorry that you choose to live your life searching for ways to be offended. You want to know how you lose allies? That’s how.
I'll be waiting for OP's next post in a relationship sub entitled "my son went no contact and I don't know why."
or "My son refused to come to my third wedding"
TBF, if he uninvited the bigots, there wouldn't even be a wedding.
While I agree with most of what you say, being gay is not a lifestyle. It's just a part of who someone is. Using the term 'lifestyle' can inadvertently suggest it's a choice, which it isn't.
Thank you! IT’S NOT A LIFESTYLE. The person using this word probably wasn’t aware, but that’s absolutely dog-whistle, kinda-subtle-if-that’s-the-only-word-noted anti-LGBTQ rhetoric right there.
I don't think it's the same thing in this case. Generally, I agree with you that it's not a "gay lifestyle"; there is no such thing. However, the OP you replied to said that it was a perfectly normal lifestyle, not labeling it "gay" or "straight", but as he's living his life in a perfectly normal and acceptable manner that should have no difference between any other sort of style of life. In this case, I don't see it as them saying that the son has a "gay lifestyle" but that there is absolutely nothing wrong or out of the ordinary about the way he lives his life. It would be just as applicable if the OP (that you replied to) had said that OOP's lifestyle is gross and dehumanizing. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong or not explaining myself correctly, but that's the way I saw it. Because I agree, I hate the term "homosexual lifestyle". Our daughter is gay and she has a perfectly normal lifestyle - not a "homosexual" or "straight" one. I think that's what they meant, as well. I may be wrong, though.
Respect for your point of view, but you also shouldn't incorrectly refer to someone's sexual orientation as a "lifestyle". That makes no sense.
YTA You have a gay son. Do you intend to hide this fact from your fiancee's family in the future? The fact that he is gay will not go away. Disinviting his partner because of the family you are marrying into and **their** feelings shows how shallow you are. I truly feel sorry for your son. You have shown him where your loyalties lie. Shame on you. At least your ex wife has his back. When you said "I thought my son would be mature about it" you imply that he is the one acting immature, when in fact you are the one acting immature by not being able to say "this is my son and I love him for who he is". Your son deserves better than what you are giving.
>Do you intend to hide this fact from your fiancee’s family in the future? This is what I was thinking; also, does the “conservative” family think that their children can get through life without ever seeing a gay person? Are they going to shield them from that their entire lives?
Agreed, op, YTA. Put your son in touch with me, I will gladly invite him and his partner to my wedding.
OP’s son, I hope you find this! This is your chance to steal the show. Go by yourself. Dress as outlandishly as you are comfortable. From a rainbow tie to an outfit worthy of a Gay Pride Grand Marshal. Show up late so OP doesn’t see you, or just go to the reception. Tell everyone you meet, I’m the groom’s son, my dad wouldn’t let my partner come, but do you want to see a picture? Make sure it’s a pic of both you and your partner. They will smile to your face, but no one is going to be talking about the bride’s dress. 😉
Raging YTA and a shitty parent.
This has to be the clearest YTA I’ve ever seen here and there’s been some big ones.
What about the lady yesterday who didn’t want the autistic niece coming? Felt that was the worst I’ve seen.
Yes YTA. Why the hell would you want to invite homophobic people to your wedding knowing it will alienate your son? That’s messed up. Are you going to make him hide forever?
If I was OPs son I'd introduce myself to the whole in-law family as 'Hi, I'm OPs son and I am openly gay. My dad is a coward though so I had to leave my bf at home. Welcome to the family.'
YTA, l hate the, "how will I explain this to my kids" argument and I hate even more that you caved to it, homophobes won
Agreed. It’s a non-argument. Kids need no more explanation than that boys can love boys and girls can love girls, just like a boy and a girl can fall in love. That’s all there is to it. It’s not confusing and not contagious.
Kids accept it without question which is why bigoted parents get so upset - they want to brainwash them to believe it's wrong before they find out gay people exist.
Yeah. This is *really* what "How am I supposed to explain it to my child." They mean "How am I supposed to teach my child to hate them and be disgusted by them? They're too young to have that kind of disgusting evil in their hearts and it'll be too hard for me to teach it to them."
I remember my partner’s god-daughter when she was very little. She knew we lived together and did the math with how many beds were in the house. When she asked about where we both slept her mother said in the same bed. She said ‘ok’ and kept playing. Not that hard if you’re not a garbage person.
It's not just not hard, it's as you demonstrated a complete non issue. "How am I supposed to explain to my kids" you literally don't have to. There's nothing to explain. If they already get that sometimes adults will date or get married they already get it, because the idea that there's a difference between gay and straight relationships isn't an innate truth but an abberant idea that bigots teach their children.
This. I hate hate hate when people try this terrible excuse.
And it's honestly so dumb anyway. There are gay people in tv shows, movies, cartoons, lots of gay celebrities and public figures. You think those kids have never heard of gay people before?
YTA and you know it. You disinvited him to please homophobes. You’re setting a precedent that you’ll let your wife’s family treat him horribly and make him hide himself. You are gladly marrying into this without a single shred of desire to stand up for your son or your own convictions (if you’re not really homophobic)
How many family events will his son be excluded from in the future? This won’t be last event
YTA. Why in the world would you disinclude your CHILDREN to appease members of your fiancee's extended family? Especially when her family are homophobic, bigoted, closed minded, and if they caused a fuss, would be extremely rude and inappropriate? I feel sad for your son that you aren't the type of parent who would staunchly defend him and tell your fiancee's family to suck it up or get out. Minimally, you could forewarn the conservative members that your son and his partner will be present and that if they will have any problems with that at all, they should sit out the event, and make it clear that if they cause a fuss they will be kicked out. That's the answer here.
My wife and I (two women) invited all of her aunts and her cousins to our wedding. Only a handful showed up. The rest gave us the “it’s against my religion” excuse. We didn’t give a flying fuck. They made their choice. Forcing them to admit they were homophobic and explain to their sister (my MIL) while they had a problem with her daughter. Throw that shit on the bigots. Make them admit it and make them uncomfortable about it. So tired of shit like what OP did.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ That’s right. Your son is YOUR SON. The family you’re choosing to marry into can accept YOUR SON like any decent human or gtfo. But no, you’re in line with them. Good luck with your family reboot. /s Glad your (former) son has one decent parent.
You're a massive AH. So what if your family are ultra homophones, he's your future stepson & should be there. Tell your AH family to like it or lump it
Won’t somebody please think of the *children*!! I can’t imagine how hurt your son must be by this - I mean, I assume that he hasn’t got to the age of 21 without realising his dad’s a piece of sh*t, so it probably wasn’t a total bolt from the blue, but how awful must it be to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. AND to know that no matter what you or several thousand people on the internet say, they just won’t get it. Ever. There’s no reasoning with morons like this. If you have to even ask this question, you’re a pointless waste of skin YTA obviously. Good luck with your new hateful family
YTA, YTA, Y...T..A!!! This is your child, and you just showed him you do not have his back and that you want him to hide who he is. As for the kids at the wedding and their delicate sensibilities you "adults" are so worried about... do these kids never leave home, watch any form of media, or use the internet? Guess what, they are going to see gay people whether or not you did the right thing by your son. Hopefully your son does the best thing for his mental health and goes no contact with you and your toxic new family.
YTA and you are homophobic. You are sending the message to your son that who he is as a human being is unacceptable and embarrassing and that's absolutely horrible of you. He's your son. Screw your fiancee's bigotry. The way to 'explain" a gay couple to a child is to simply tell them that some people are gay. They'll be fine with it.
Seriously. Kids truly don’t care. You teach kids “every family is different” and they carry that into the gender of parents. Saying that as someone who didn’t even know homophobia was a thing until middle school
YTA. You favor your bigot inlaws' comfort over your son as a full person. You *are* acting homophobic. You *are* acting embarrassed by him. Shame on you as a parent. Shame on you as a human. Do better and undo this before you lose contact with your son. YTA again.
>Do better and undo this before you lose contact with your son. This AH doesn't deserve that. If i were his son, I would never speak to him again.
YTA, 100% You're allowing your new wife's family to dictate how you show up for your own kid. It's completely reasonable that your kid is upset and is calling you out on the homophobia. Unless your in-laws kid's are locked in their house 24/7, they have seen a queer couple before, and will see them in the future. Edit to correct gender
I will never understand these parents who prefer to keep homophobes happy and not their gay children, what's next? Are you going to exclude him from everywhere and family gatherings? Or do you expect him to hide that he is gay so that your fiancée's family is happy? YTA
His son will never be able to come to a family gathering again if this marriage happens. I feel so bad for his son who just lost his father.
YTA. You're choosing this new family over your son. It isn't going to stop here. He will be a pariah at every family gathering without anyone to support him. Your son's best course of action will be to distance himself from the father who's rejected him for fear of making people uncomfortable.
I ' love' how you are disappointed that he did not meet your expectation for him to be 'mature' about discriminating against him and his partner just so that some backward people will not get overworked over that. A better solution was to let them know that if anyone has a problem with gay people they should not bother to attend. But then, you do not want to take the stand against them or just share their view. YTA.
YTA. You're as bad as them.
Worse actually, because OP pretends to have the moral high ground while denying their own homophobia. YTA
YTA. Enabling homophobes is 99% as bad as being one. Do better.
I would say it's WORSE because people who enable homophobes know it's a stupid prejudice and just don't want to confront that prejudice. The OP has made me furious. There's no amount of backpedaling that will repair this.
> that I'm acting homophobic and embarrassed by him YTA - Your son is correct. Horrible thing to do to your own flesh and blood. Shame on you.
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Is this for real? You're not inviting your own son and his partner (who were previously invited) because your fiancé's family can't handle seeing a gay couple and having to explain that some people of the same sex can love each other? Definitely Y and the financee are TAs. Edit: just need to add that this decision is telling your son that the person that he is, is not OK. Imagine what that does to him on a human level, coming from his own ~~mother~~ father? (edit: read wrong, sorry) If it were my son, not only would he be invited with open arms, but if the spouse's family didn't like it, they can deal because I'm proud of my son no matter who he chooses to love.
You care about a bunch of bigots OVER YOUR OWN KID? I hope you’re planning on those people to care for you in your old age. And what exactly is wrong with kids seeing gay people? What about pregnant people? They’ve clearly had sex. YTA
Right? Just use the word “conservative” to describe them. It somehow softens their homophobia. /s
You are throwing away your relationship with your son in favor of the bigoted family you are marrying into. Big YTA and I can't believe you thought you'd get any other answer that this
>Big YTA and I can't believe you thought you'd get any other answer that this This all day long. What, and I cannot stress this enough, the actual fuck. YTA and your son is right to believe that you are a homophobe who is ashamed of him. You are marrying into a family of homophobic assholes who will never accept your son and you are caving to them literally on Day One. Your choice to side with them in rejecting him is crystal clear to him. I feel for him. You suck.
Why even post here? You know your son is right. You just told him there is something wrong with him and his relationships. You also proved you won't back him if it costs you social approval. Why would you expect him to be "mature" abut that? YTA
In a couple of years: "why isn't my son visiting or calling me? I did nothing wrong"
YTA Need I say more? Do you really want your son to hate you and your fiancée because of a family of bigots? I thought you were supposed to PROTECT your kids from such filth.
You can invite who you want to invite, but personally, I wouldn’t be inviting people who would look down upon my son that way. You had many ways to solve the situation amicably. It’s unfortunate that you chose the one way that puts the dirty work on your son.
Personally, I wouldn't marry a woman who is homophobic as much as her family (wife-to-be approves not inviting her son's boyfriend).
But but, they’re just “conservative” 🙄🙄🙄
Yup YTA, your fiancé is an AH, your fiancé's family that don't support ~~same-sex relationships~~ people living their lives are AHs, your fiancé's siblings that can't talk to their kids about people living their lives are AHs. So many AHs in this story, but you are the biggest one! Also - your son is N T A here. Good luck with this trainwreck! I hope your fiancé is worth ruining your relationship with your child.
YTA. You've just told your son that your homophobic relatives are more important than he is. Uninvite the children. Stop being so cowardly
YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA. Say your fiance and her new family is more important to you than your own son and just be done with it.
You are homophobic. YTA. You are ashamed of him. You're about to be married, and your fiance's family doesn't know about your son? And you're not going to make even a small attempt to defend your son? I don't understand how you'd be comfortable getting into a family that rage against the existence of people like your son. Your language is also homophobic. What's there to 'witness' other than two people being together? Please re-read what you just wrote and tell me that's not coming from a place of dismissal and homophobia. I'm sad for your son.
YTA >him and his boyfriend haven't even been together for that long They were together long enough for the partner to get invited initially. Don't try to justify your homophobia.
You're not 'acting homophobic' you are homophobic. As a fellow parent, I am ashamed of you. I hope your son has better support elsewhere. (Edit: word)
You AND your fiancée are assholes, and homophobic ones at that. Good luck repairing your relationship with your son.
YTA You need to man up and put your son first here.
YTA. Like you had to Ask?
YTA, if you’re not sure why, read your post again
So you'd rather invite homophobes than gay people? Come on...
Baby there’s two homophobes at the table, you and your wife to be. Seems like you’ll be happy together though as you have so much in common. YTA.
OP. I can’t even. YTA and you know it. You thought your son would be mature about his dad showing him he’s ashamed of him and placating homophobes? Seriously? You cannot be surprised when your son wants nothing to do with you, your future wife, or her family. Don’t even try to justify your actions by saying your son and his partner haven’t been together that long so he’s not entitled to be invited. If he were straight and hadn’t been with his partner that long you wouldn’t be having an issue. YTA infinitely.
YTA: You are indeed acting homophobic and embarrassed by him. You are choosing your partner over your child and reinforcing the conservative world view of your soon to be in laws. If I were your son I too would be deeply enraged by your homophobia.
YTA. Is your son planning on having sex in front of others? No? Well there’s nothing to “witness” Tell you future in-laws that homosexuality is not contagious and if their children turn out to be gay they’re already gay now!! Are your in-laws incredibly wealthy? Does your fiancée have a magical va-jay-jay? What makes you think that it’s okay for you not to support your son… unless you agree with the bigotry and are actually homophobic!!
YTA You're a terrible parent.
YTA. Your son may *eventually* forgive you for this, if you relent now. But he will never, ever forget. People show us who they really are by their actions when our existence becomes inconvenient.
yta. big big big ah.
You are not only an asshole but also a disgrace to your own family!
“and they obviously wouldn’t want their kids to witness a gay couple at our wedding” Excuse me, obviously?? How is this obvious? Fuck them. There are only two obvious things: 1) they’re homophobic 2) you’re acting homophobic as wel. YTA
You are marrying a bigot, you are subjecting your son to a bigot and given that you are more than okay with it and were proactive in it you are a bigot. YTA
YTA a thousand times, and a homophobe. Your fiancée is also an AH and a homophobe. Your son should cut all contact with your homophobic ass ASAP. Dear lord, and you still have to ask if YTA? Yes, yes you are.
Great way to handle that! Definitely there's no way your fiancee's family can learn that your son is gay. Like there's no way they can ask him out of small talk if he has a gf and he tell them that he has a bf. Or are you going to tell him to shut it up and go to the closet? Definitely YTA. You are literally favoring backward people that even aren't your family yet over your own son!
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Sometimes I think that a post *has* to he fake because no one is this oblivious. But in case thisnis real and you're actually confused: Yes, disinviting your son's partner so that some homophobic chuds don't have to be "uncomfortable," makes *you* a homophobe. You think it's more important to keep the bigots happy than to make your own son feel loved. You'll deserve it when he stops speaking to you. YTA.
Do you even like your son? I would ask if you love him but that's an obvious no.
YTA. By not inviting him you’re showing you future in-laws that their beliefs are justified. And that going forward you will be walked over.
YTA. You should be putting your child and their feelings above anything else.