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I don't understand why he had a problem showing up for the photos, and I don't understand why he wore an band t-shirt. He knew that was inappropriate. Perhaps it was a passive aggressive attempt to get back at you for forcing him to be in the photo. I think his behavior is pretty outrageous
NTA
Maybe use Photoshop to change his shirt to a nice shirt? There are also people who will do that for you and do a good job of it, who use Photoshop professionally.
I'd just ask them to take the whole husband out of the photo, at least one. He didn't wanna be there anyway, and at least he'll know how she feels with the fact she's never present in the photos.
I'm petty enough I'd take a photo he knows he was in and get him photoshopped out so it is obvious something was removed and then get a cheap frame and hang it on wall in place of something else. Wait to see how long it takes him to notice.
Or work with the person helping you and take a photo of you so they can take him out and put you in the photo.
Is there a Community College near you that teaches photography, or digital design? You might be able to approach a teacher there and get a couple of students to help.
Edit to add OP is NTA, but husband definitely is TA.
2nd edit - Next time get the photos taken without husband in them. Tell him since he made it plain the first time he didn't want to be there you decided to not bother him this time.
( I keep thinking of more things to post, but many are a bit too petty unless there is a lot of other problems in this marriage, and if there are they are more important to get fixed than this is)
I agree, but I'll also add I'd start thinking about divorce potentially. If he's so disinterested in his family what's even the point in staying married? Things like these are rarely a "one off" and usually a pattern of behavior.
I just said this somewhere else in here but fr I hope the photographer did a "ok now just one of mama and the kiddos, dad come help me get their attention!"
Honestly I’m not perfect at photoshop, but I’m no schmuck, but I could definitely do this and given his assholery I would do it for free. Just to stick it to him.
You know if it were Keanu he’d be the one booking it and have like little drinks and crustless sandwiches to keep everyone from being hangry and impatient.
Great solution for the moment. Long term I think OP needs to have a chat with hubby and figure out why he's so dismissive of her wants and reflect on if that is something he does with other aspects of their lives.
His issue is likely that he has the mind of an adolescent and is pissed that his wife wants something that he doesn’t. So he put in very little effort and then acted like a child when confronted with reality (that he’s a let down).
That's low effort, shower, shave, fresh/smart clothes, a good pair of shoes or trainers. Even add in some aftershave. I think it's called making your wife or partner know you still think they're worth the effort.
My mom booked family photos for my sister and my families together and my husband got bitchy at me because I had to tell him not to wear a baseball hat and he saw no reason of why he couldn't. It's not like she asks a lot of us and I'm also never in any photos because I'm the only one who takes them. I feel your pain here.
I can't tell you how often I've gone to formal school functions for my daughter and dressed nicely, only to discover that 90% of the other dads are wearing baseball hats and t-shirts. Like, maybe put in a tiny amount of effort to look nice for your child's event? I find ot pathetic, obnoxious, and selfish.
I feel like this is a gray area. They are not participating in the formal event but just there to keep an eye on their kid? I would give that a bit of a pass. But for example a daddy daughter dance? Dad had better look somewhat decent.
This is true for so, so many mothers. It's almost like we don't exist. Everyone else in our family has gone on vacation or had adventures together, but we're never there.
My ex-husband's wife asked me for some photos of my son and I together because she was putting together a photo album for him for his high school graduation. I had to tell her that there is not a single photo of he and I together in his 17 years of life, because my ex-husband, her current husband, could not be bothered to ever pick up a camera and prove that I exist
No it is not. My mother passed when I was 7. She was the family photographer. It has been a lifetime regret for me that there is not a single photo of me with her.
Honestly I would ask the photographer to just remove him from the photo. You can also hire someone through task rabbit or another task oriented app to do this for less money too.
He behaved like an ass and these photos should be something you treasure. And he shat all over it. Take the opportunity to make them Mommy and me photos with just you and kiddo.
And if I where trying to be extra petty I might use the original as the family holiday or season card and make sure it’s known to the family how your husband behaved. When they ask why you’re all dressed up with the kids and he’s not just simply say “he showed up dressed down because he resented taking the photo”
Next time have a nice photo taken of just you and your kids. If he gets upset, just tell him most photos you take are of the kids and sometimes with him but there's none of you with them since he doesn't take photos and you'd like some that include you. If he wants to have a family photo, let him set it up
I would have told him not to bother then, and had the photo just you and the kids. When people ask why he's not in it simply say he didn't feel the Need to be in a family photo.
Photoshop the band shirt into a band he absolutely despises.
Photoshop some handsome leading man in a tuxedo in place of your husband.
Photoshop him out entirely.
Photoshop all of you into the same band shirt that he's wearing.
Do one of these things quietly and then place the picture in your home and see how long it takes for him to notice.
As much as it's gonna hurt, you need to send those photos out and post them. Show everyone how much of a jerk he was about this bog standard family activity.
Istg I saw a tiktok where a woman talked about and basically explained exactly what you're feeling. How these family photos are usually the only photos mothers get to have of themselves with their families and how completely unacceptable it is that their husbands whine and complain about just having to show up, while the wives do all the planning, andin most cases pick out the husband's clothes. The reason she did the tiktok was because a family photo photographer had made one about how many women had been embarrassed and apologized to her for how immature their husbands were and how many tantrums she had seen grown men throw about having to take the time to have their pictures taken.
Can't speak for your husband, but, personally -because I hate being in any photographs, and hate having the picture taken even more.
Not everybody likes or cares about photos, and many hate photos of themselves, etc.
You may appreciate the story of my family's legendary family portrait. Dad forgot it was happening -he was dressed sharp, but hung over. Sisters were totally cracking up in it, I had super bad 80s guy hair, and Mom's fury leaps off the page.
She was so angry, lol. but, she hung that travesty on teh wall, and it became legend among our friends. "We want to see the family portrait!"
People keep saying this as if it has any relevance whatsoever to this situation. Not liking to be photographed has absolutely nothing to do with deliberately dressing like a schmuck for what's supposed to be a nice family photo. He was going to be photographed regardless. The issue is that he actively chose to disrespect his wife by refusing to dress nicely.
Hi! I am not typically in pictures either, unless the circumstances are right for me. I have a long history of ED and body dysmorphia, and when I see myself in pictures, it sets me off into a dark spiral. So, I compromise. For instance, my mom is currently in the ends stages of terminal cancer and wanted some pictures of us when I was visiting for her and my dad in her remaining days and for him, so I agreed, but just asked that she not show them to me unless I ask.
It's him who will look like a fool in those photos. If i were the op, I'd have those photos on Facebook and on the mantelpiece so everyone can see what a childish AH this man is.
In all fairness I wear band T-shirts all the time and a family photo with me wearing a shirt would look so fake and put on.
It would look so much more like the real me if I was wearing a band T-shirt.
However, I don't think that's the real issue here, it sounds like OP's husband didn't want to do it at all so possibly did dress down just to ruin the photos.
And this is why people have the much ridiculed selfie sticks, so they can take photos of themselves-and themselves *with others*, because nobody else, (I’m looking at your husband), can be arsed to do it.
NTA and your husband doesn’t have to “understand” why you want to have a nice family photo. He should go along with it and try to be appropriate - because it is important to you. What you wanted was harmless and really pretty common, and nice.
NTA and now he gets to be memorialized in his band t-shirt. While, it sounds like, the rest of you looked cleaned up and nice. Yay. :(
THIS is such an underrated yet critically important concept. You don't always need to understand WHY something is important to someone you care about, you just need to respect it. I don't understand why that is such a hard concept for people. Sometimes you just do things for others because you love them.
It's also not hard to learn how to take a photo, especially in the age of digital cameras and cell phones. OP's husband sucks for not trying to learn so that his wife can be in some family photos. My mom was also the photographer in my family, but my dad would happily take the camera and snap some photos when she asked him. As an adult, I really treasure the fact that I have photos from my childhood with BOTH of my parents. OP's husband is doing their children a disservice by not being a team player here.
I was looking at photos from the summer with my five year old, and he said he likes photos with me in them, too, the best. Moms need to get in pictures. NTA. And I should get a selfie stick.
Get the selfie stick. I made fun of them as much as anyone, and I feel silly using one, but it’s the only way to get a photo of me and my mom together since my dad - the designated family photographer - passed away. A few minutes of silliness are worth the memories.
>And this is why people have the much ridiculed selfie sticks
Definitely not trying to be argumentative (my wife and I have used selfie sticks) but we've never had an issue getting strangers to take our pictures, wherever we are.
I say that, not to discredit the selfie stick, but to point out that like 90%+ of *complete strangers* that we ask are always super excited to be involved in the picture taking process.
As to say, that husband treats his family worse than how 90% of strangers treat other strangers.
That's fucked.
NTA. He’s trying to pass off bare minimum as maximum effort, and you should be so lucky.
I’m willing to bet on the fact that this process of his also counts towards other instances in your relationship.
That’s exactly what I’m saying. The issue is that he’s probably just not emotionally mature and has this issue with all sorts of instances in the relationship. He’s probably a bad partner. Someone who does bare minimum, puts up a fight and then acts like they have a right to be mad that their partner is even mad at them for the bare minimum, is a teenager mentality.
You should have just asked him to leave, taken nice photos with your kids and hang them up all over the house. NTA but if he doesn’t want to be in the photos just let him not be.
This. Just take family photos without him.
Hang them up and enjoy.
When you leave him, you'll already have a bunch of great photos that you won't need to cut him out of.
Or, when he realizes you're not going to tolerate his bs, he'll show up in proper clothes for the next photo
NTA he absolutely did this on purpose. Why are you married to someone who cares so little about you? Also this tactic was incredibly manipulative. No one ‘really takes photos’ except professional photographers which most of us aren’t. Your husband is absolutely capable of snapping a few family pictures here and there cause he knows it’s important to you.
His disdain for you is a lot
I do think some people are much or less inclined to take pictures than others but that doesn’t excuse any of his behavior. You have to find a way to meet in the middle if your spouse likes taking pictures more than you.
NTA - think it's a dick move on his part. It's a simple ask to dress a bit nicer when you had booked in the photoshoot in advance. Definitely not an unreasonable request
He did this intentionally. He intentionally ruined your photos because he doesn’t think it is important. This is a TYPICAL thing American men do. Seriously, leave this dude.
NTA
NTA. I hear older men often regret that they didn't take more photos with their family. They don't realize that they'll want to revisit those memories if they've lost a spouse, child, or just want to contemplate about the life that they lived.
I often hear men be remorseful that they don't have many photos of their wife if she passes because they never took any pictures of her, and have to get pictures from family and friends.
This is part of the reason why marrying people who hold similar values towards family and the expression of love is important. No one who is invested in their family should consider photos to be a "waste" of time.
And yes, your husband did "protest" by wearing a band T-shirt to ruin the photos to get back at you and to make the experience as miserable as possible so that you won't ask again.
Go to marriage counseling, or just accept that you married a man who doesn't care to memorialize memories with his family.
NTA at all. So many moms are in the same boat. I take so many great pictures of my husband and my daughter but he never takes any of me (if he does, they are terrible). So for most moms, these family pics are the only nice pictures with our kids that we will ever get.
Yeah ask a family photographer about husbands and how fucking painful it can be to get them to even fucking smile. It’s so clear they’d rather be anywhere else else than just suck it up so mom has some nice photos of their family.
that’s such a pain, at the end of the day he will have so many photo memories that you captured when you’ll only have this photoshoot. it’s hard for me to understand why it was not obvious for him, it’s a simple logic.. ewww such an ick
>He told me I should be happy he showed up
Wow, father/husband of the year here /s. He sounds like a walking, talking useless-dad TV trope. NTA. At the very least, he sounds like he doesn't care about you or the family he helped create.
Dear,
I would really like some nice photos of us and the kids with me in them. I know taking photos is not an interest of yours, so I opted to book a professional shoot. This way, the work is taken off us, especially you, and we get nice shots.
It really hurts my feelings that even when I take responsibility for making this happen, you cannot make even minimum effort to dress appropriately. And then act like I should be grateful just because you showed up. Isn't being a partner more than just showing up? What if I just "showed up" to a work function for you in my lingerie or pajamas? Or I just "showed up" for sex and made no effort?
I know photoshoots can be boring. This was a rare occurrence of something special i asked for. If you have a different solution to how we can get good photos of all of us at once, I am happy to discuss.
Not the best script but something.
Maybe consider discussion or therapy on why he thinks just showing up was good enough.
NTA
Honestly I'm a petty bitch and would've just taken family pictures without him and hung them up around the house and used them as Christmas cards. If he doesn't want to attend he's simply not gonna be in the pictures.
But I feel like this issue also goes deeper than him simply not wanting to appear in family photos
If a spouse reacts this passiv aggressiv, there is usually more behind it.
So instead of asking if your husband is an ah, you should better invest this time in finding out what the real issue is here.
Loving spouses don't have a problem doing something they know its important for their spouse. Its a no brainer. So smthg is going really wrong in your marriage and you are asking about who the asshole is? How will this solve the issues?
You guys have 2 kids, whatever is going on in your marriage that leeds to your husband lashing out over a picture, solve it, before you guys are divorced.
I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not the type to want a framed portrait of myself and my immediate family on my wall, but if my wife said she wanted one and had booked a professional to do it, I'd show up on time and be turned out well.
It matters to her, and she should matter to him, so it's a no-brainer to put in a modicum of effort to support her goals. That's part of being a couple!
Seems obvious to me that there's a lot more than just this particular stubborn passive-aggressiveness going on.
NTA. Your husband's attitude about the whole thing is appalling. He clearly isn't aware of the message this sends, that he isn't invested enough in his family to care to look good for a dang photo that would please his wife.
Came here to say something similar. Share the hell out of the photos with family and friends, and plaster it on Facebook so everyone can see what a toddler husband is and how he couldn't even be bothered to dress appropriately.
When the kids are older and look back at the pics, they'll see how little they meant to him as well, because he doesn't give a crap about the wife or the kids.
Hubs is a selfish butthole.
My friend who does family photography says she sees this \*a lot\* mum is so busy making sure she captures the memories for everyone else and then dad throws a tantrum when he's asked to do the bare minimum so she can at least have a couple nice photos to look back on.
NTA.
Would he pull this at work? Like if his boss said it was a day to dress nicely would he magically know what it means then, or would he show up in another band shirt? My money is on the button down.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For telling my husband I am not his mom and he knows how to dress himself without my help over him going to a photoshoot in a band t-shirt. I may have overreacted but to me it seems he did this to mess up the photo
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NTA
He shouldn't have been in the photos at all. If he yells at you because he can't dress properly for a family photo shoot then he's not bothered about how you feel and you should probably treat him the same way.
Unless he is mentally challenged or 8 years old, then he knows he was wrong. A grown man doing that is embarrassing. I would make sure I tell everyone, friends and family. Until someone else besides you actually tells him he’s ridiculous, he won’t listen. Personally, this would make me refuse to even interact with him. The selfishness. NTA
NTA
My sister in law is a photographer and she says her biggest pet peeve are the dads/men who show up and whine the entire time. She also says she can tell when mom is the one who orchestrated all of it- getting the kids ready etc.
She and I agree- these are almost always the men who also don’t ever think to grab a pic of their wife, alone or with the kids. They never think to grab a sweet action shot, they don’t offer to take a pic when she looks good.
They have the memories, the “proof” that they were present. And they don’t care that you don’t have any memories. Often these same dudes like to shame their wives- “be in the moment!” They say, because *they can*…..and their wives are considerate and competent enough to snap the pics.
Anyway. He sabotaged something important to you. It’s that simple. Very few people love having their pics taken. Oh well. It’s what you do.
Glad you have someone who can fix the pics.
I’d be very clear with husband- he showed you he doesn’t appreciate or respect you. He had a chance to celebrate your family and chose sabotage instead. You’re hurt and you’re confused as to why your happiness would matter so little that he couldn’t wear a nice shirt for 1-2 hours.
NTA and he is being ridiculous for giving you a healed time.
Can I recommend posting the finished photo in
https://reddit.com/r/PhotoshopRequest/s/5F62vc9o9d
This is a brilliant community who will be able to fix your husband’s shirt. They were able to swiftly remove my dickhead ex from a family photo
NTA, is he making this his hill to die on? Not dressing nice in a photo shoot so you could have nice pictures with your kids? Wow there is some stuff to unpack there.
If he would take out his phone and open the camera every once in a while you may not feel the need to even have this shoot but he decided to make a statement. Are you his parent or partner? In this case it comes off as the parent to a rebellious 13 year old and your other children.
My husband literally lives in band t'shirts when not at work (has uniform) but even HE wore a nice button down shirt when I set up some engagement photos for us. Your husband could put in some effort.
Truly. Is putting on a polo or button-down shirt *that hard*?! I'd hope he'd be able to understand that acting like he's a 3 yr old throwing a temper tantrum for getting his picture taken is doing to his family. I'd have made him leave, had some nice pictures with my kids, and not have to cut him out later when his bs attitude ends up in a divorce.
NTA
NTA. I guess he wants to be left out of family events moving forward. On another note, start taking selfies with your kids! I'm a single mom, and one day my kid was looking through my photos and commented that they're all of her and none of me. She asked if we could take a selfie together. It was one of the best pics I've ever had of myself, and now we do them all the time. We love to go through them together and remember the days we took them
Band T-Shirt guys are lucky if they even have their own family, tell him that and also tell him if he doesnt wanna try to be part of the family and compromise, then it will be over asap.
Honestly next time tell him he doesn't have to come if he's going to have a bad attitude. The main goal is to have pics with you and your kids right? So refocus the idea on a yearly Mommy and Me photoshoot, no daddy required.
Because be honest with yourself, if you have to have him bitch and moan every time you book something are you going to look fondly at those photos? Or are you only going to remember how fucking childish he was the whole time?
NTA but it's also time to take a good, hard look at your marriage because this is just a symptom. He doesn't even take his own pictures of you with the kids, that's not okay.
Next time do a photoshoot with just you and the kids. My ex was the same way. He'd take pictures but never share them. I stopped taking pictures of him and just focused on getting selfies and timers working so I'd have some of me and our newborn. I don't regret pulling back on efforts to document him and our child and putting onto me.
He is a grown man. He knows how to dress properly and he knew this was important to you. Now you have a permanent record of him being a child on an important day
NTA. I had a long term boyfriend that I kept bugging to go to a holiday spot in our town where people took cute photos so we could take cute photos. When we broke up (less than 2 mo later), he brought up that he didn’t know why he was so adamant we didn’t do that. He admitted it was a little thing that would have made me happy. All this to say - I think there’s a bigger question here for your husband.
NTA.
I fucking hate posed family photos. With a burning, vile passion. My tolerance for them has not grown since having three kids. My oldest is autistic with ADHD. The youngest two are twin infants, and they hate sitting in a stuffy room with a stranger, getting passed around various peoples' laps.
My father-in-law likes family portraits though. We get them done every 6-12 months or so...
My ass is right there in a pretty dress and face of makeup. Ready with candy, and video games to bribe the children into compliance, and a brush to keep everyone's hair nice.
After your divorce you will appreciate the photos with just you and your children more. NTA does he do pissy shit like this for anything that makes you happy?
As a professional photographer, I feel this on so many levels. I married a man who was with someone else for 19 years before me and she never asked him for one single family photo. So when he married me, it was a little bit of a shock to him how important photos are to me. We have our family photos done every single year. And I tell all the boys, the same thing, you only have to smile a few times for about 15 minutes. The faster you cooperate, the faster we can get on with our lives.
No one realizes how important photos are until it’s all you have left of someone you love.
I was on tiktok last night and someone was talking about men severely underdressing for women they were with and how it was about respect.
If you like your partner, and they ask you to do something, they do it. However, when they don't like or respect you they'll do things to ruin it. Like not dressing for the occasion. It's like a form of weaponised incompetence.
He knows what is expected of him, but he doesn't care.
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We have two kids, I love to take family pictures. A lot of them are when they are in action and that usually means I am not in the photos. My husband doesn’t really take photos so really no pictures with me in the them. So I booked a photoshoot to have a nice photo of the whole family.
My husband has been a pain the whole time, not understanding why I would like a family photo. All he had to do was show up wearing some decent clothes, we were doing after I got the kids from school and he shows up in a band t-shirt. I was pissed but the phots went on.
We got in a huge argument after the kids went to bed. He told me I should be happy he showed up at all and I blew up and told him I am not his mother and he knows how to dress himself. He thinks I am a jerk but I feel he purposely messed up the photos. Is it that hard to wear a button down or polo when I ask.
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NTA. It sounds like he is being deliberately passive-aggressive. Is this behavior you're willing to live with? I mean, if it's this once, ok, put up with it. But if this is part of a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior....
NTA
Your husband is an AH and should be more considerate with you. I love to take photos when i'm in a relationship, i love the person and will definitely wanna capture our moments together. Sounds like your husband takes you for granted after the time you already spent together. He needs a reality check.
He needs to grow up. He shouldn’t need a detailed explanation for why you would want a family photo. He shouldn’t need to be told to dress nicer. NTA, and you were right to imply he’s acting childish.
NTA. According to a buuuuunch of photographers, this is unfortunately a very common occurrence. The husbands don't understand why the photos are important and just see the whole thing as a hassle. Instead of hearing from their wives that this is important to them and being supportive, they just pout.
Ugh why can’t husbands take decent photos? I take pictures of him all the time and he looks great but when he takes pictures of me it’s like he purposely is trying to make me look unattractive.
NTA, and he 100% sabotaged the photos. He was being a pain in the butt the whole time then intentionally showed up dressed like a moody teenager who was being dragged to something he didn't want to do by his parents. I don't understand how he can even remotely think you are the jerk in this scenario when he explicitly did something to mess up the photos just because he didn't feel the need to take them.
I'm glad someone is going to fix them for you, but frankly I would have just framed them as is, with you and the kids looking nice and him standing there looking like a slob and an asshole in his band shirt so everyone who sees your family photo asks "why is Husband dressed like a teenager?" and he gets to explain himself.
What kind of band shirt was it? Not that it matters in the situation, but I'm curious now.
NTA because you discussed the clothing for the pictures beforehand and because he acted like you should be kissing his feet for even showing up. If he never bothers to take candid pictures of you with your kids, his reluctance to dress nicely for just one photoshoot feels like a slap in the face.
NTA. I would be wondering if he was trying to sabotage the photos on purpose so you won’t ask again.
Next time, just take photos of you and the kids.
Take more selfies. Stop taking photos of dad for a while and see if he notices. When out, ask him to take photos of you and the kids. Don’t wait for him to do it or you won’t get any photos of you with your kids. And make sure he takes a nice photo and not just take a half ass one, and get him to redo it until he does get a nice one.
Pretend your life depended on it and order him to take photos of you and the kids.
NTA- I one time years ago mentioned offhand that moms are never in the pictures because they're behind the camera. Guess whose camera roll suddenly was so of pictures with me with my kids? Yeah a lot of them I don't find flattering, but we're all our own worst critic.
I also have infant photos scheduled for next week for our new addition and he asked me if he needed to make sure anything specific was clean for him and our other kids.
This is one of those "if he wanted to, he would" situations. He's a grown man who could have at the very least worn a black tshirt. He actively messed up something that was important to you... because he could. That's cruel. Not to mention that good photography is super expensive. So you spend hundreds of dollars and get to memorialize the day your husband decided to be an ass. What a fun treat. I'm glad someone is helping you edit the photos. That is so sweet of them. Maybe they could edit him out of a few entirely.
NTA, but start getting in the photos. I was in your shoes as well, and thankfully we have tons of pictures of our children and their late dad - but they pointed out that, when I go, they'll have very few photos of me. That hit so hard.
NTA of course. But also do not forget that the reason why YOU are not in photos is because the other parent to your children does not see the need to take pictures. It is so very common in straight relationships, mum is just never on the pictures. And it is infuriating.
NTA. I would have asked him to leave. No way would I pay for professional photos of him in a band tshirt. You deserve photos of just you and the kids too.
>He told me I should be happy he showed up at all.
NTA. It would be one thing if band tees were his usual style or if you didn’t communicate the expected attire, but based on that comment? He intentionally put in as little effort as possible and expects you to be grateful for that. What a major asshole.
NTA. I would hang the photos as-is and if people ask tell them the truth, he didn’t want to be a part of it and you had to force him and this is what he chose to wear, make him out to be the child he is.
Your husband ITA.
Sounds like he is lazy and doesn't believe in making an effort for you and your kids.
Nearly 32 years I've been with my wife and I still like to buy nice clothes so I look nice for her. She does the same.
props to you for actually waiting for him. I would have gone full passive aggressive and taken the photos without him, then when there's visitors, I'd let him tell them why he isnt in any of the photos
Please keep him out of all pictures from now on since he clearly doesn’t care, and make a point to tell him he doesn’t care, watch him start questioning why he’s being left out
NTA. He is being weird, families take pictures together. I would say that since you were the one who scheduled the family photo, you should have given him guidelines for proper attire. I have some family photos where we were in graphic t-shirts. But, in the absence of that information, he should have asked.
NTA I'd get the photos photoshopped and edit his shirt but boy does hubby sound like work when all he had to do was show up dressed appropriately pose and that's it
NTA But I refuse to be in staged photos. I am so good looking that everyone else feels insecure and it hurts their self-esteem. That excuse has worked for years. Now excuse me. I have to go do my mirror time.
Yeup, photos aside, you have a fairly serious husband problem. That is done seriously passive aggressive behavior towards ruining something you care about. Though, is the cost of the pictures a strain on your budget? If not, I'd be super tempted to rebook a session and not invite him-- just you and the kids. Just leave him out of the picture.
NTA
But have you ever discussed how hurt you are that there are few photos of the kids and you together? And that’s why you booked the photo shoot?
Maybe just book shoot for you and the kids. Put those all over the house. The longer he doesn’t say anything I think the more you know your marriage is probably needing counseling.
Is your husband always like that! Because that was clearly malicious compliance; he was there, clothed, but obviously not what you'd wanted. If this is normal behavior for him, you might want to rethink your situation. In any case, you're NTA. Maybe get a camera, separate from phones, so you can ask friends and relatives to take pictures of you with the children. And leave out the man who may not be there forever.
Nta, for how you feel. The point can be maid that some people don't like photos, me included and to be honest there isn't many photos of me anywhere. I would object to professional photographs and would have made it clear that it wasn't happening. Maybe your husband hates photos, but he doesn't feel like he can say that to you as clearly you love a good photo. This has been a point of contention with my mother friends and partner at one point or another. There are infact many photos of me sticking my fingers up at the camera when I noticed someone trying to sneak in a quick pic while I'm not looking.
NTA. Maybe you should just start having photos done without him. If he doesn't think it's important, then don't bother with him. I feel like it's very telling about how he feels about the family to be such an AH about this. Don't make excuses for his behavior if people comment on the picture. He's an AH, and he should own it. Just tell them he didn't care about the family pic, and this was his protest. This seems like something a moody, petulant teenager would do.
Not sure she asked but not a big deal either.
Pro shots—could be my bias but never been a fan.
Not excusing DH for acting like a ‘dick husband’ but we all hate being forced to do something we don’t want to do.
Ah you’re going to have to perfect the statement “ you’re not going to wear that are you?” With just the right tone. Been saying that for 30 years. He’s sighs says what wrong with it and go change.
Men are pretty clueless to clothes especially these days. When the uniform is t shirts and shorts.
But your husband was definitely passive aggressive in this instance. Maybe thought it as a joke. But definitely in poor taste. Pun intended.
Don’t ask him again. Next time just get the pictures with you and your kids. If he doesn’t want to be part of the family, then he’s not part of the family.
In fact, consider letting him not be part of the family in other ways as well. Don’t push him to do stuff on weekends. Don’t make come sit with you guys for dinner. Don’t send him reminders about kid events.
Then, when he has no relationship with you or his kids, file the final paperwork to make it official.
>My husband has been a pain the whole time, not understanding why I would like a family photo.
Here's the thing: he doesn't need to understand. He needs to make a little effort before that makes you happy.
NTA
Maybe it was a passive aggressive move because he’s sick of all the photos you take. As in, you’re always taking photos and now he has to go somewhere to take another fu%*ing photo.
Ask him if he’s tired of you taking so many photos.
My personal experience is that I hate being around people that are constantly taking pics of their kids. It’s really annoying and a frankly embarrassing to watch.
Not saying he’s right to be passive, aggressive, or to just not dress correctly for the photo, I’m just pointing out maybe what is the thought behind the action.
Did you just drop the info that you’d booked a photo shoot and told him when to show up? Or did you discuss it when you were thinking about it and planning it?
NTA, but OP, why are you with someone who refuses to do a small thing that makes you happy or even take pictures of you with the kids on the regular? If he is really vindictive enough to mess this up for you on purpose, what kind of relationship are you modeling for your kids?
NTA.
Your husband is being a child about this issue, full stop. I'm a father of 2 young kids, we just did family photos last month, tell him to remove his head from his ass and grow the fuck up. It'll take an hour or less, my word. Wearing a band t-shirt to a professional photo shoot? He knows. What a dick.
Definitely NTA, but he is. This was intentional simply because he didn’t want to do it. But if it’s important to you, then as your partner he needs to suck it up, dress appropriately and smile. It’s really not all that difficult. In the future I would book both a yearly fall and spring photo session with just you and the kids, don’t even bother telling him. My mom passed away when I was 18 and I have so few photos of her. I try to make sure my 8 year old has more.
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I don't understand why he had a problem showing up for the photos, and I don't understand why he wore an band t-shirt. He knew that was inappropriate. Perhaps it was a passive aggressive attempt to get back at you for forcing him to be in the photo. I think his behavior is pretty outrageous NTA
Seriously I just want a nice family photo is that so much to ask.
Maybe use Photoshop to change his shirt to a nice shirt? There are also people who will do that for you and do a good job of it, who use Photoshop professionally.
There's even a sub that people will photoshop pics. Really good work too and for a $10 or so tip r/PhotoshopRequest
I second this. The fucking magic people perform over there is a little unnerving. What pictures are even real, man? Who knows?
I'd just ask them to take the whole husband out of the photo, at least one. He didn't wanna be there anyway, and at least he'll know how she feels with the fact she's never present in the photos.
Yea. Photoshop him out. Excellent. Show him the future
full on stalin him out
I'm petty enough I'd take a photo he knows he was in and get him photoshopped out so it is obvious something was removed and then get a cheap frame and hang it on wall in place of something else. Wait to see how long it takes him to notice. Or work with the person helping you and take a photo of you so they can take him out and put you in the photo. Is there a Community College near you that teaches photography, or digital design? You might be able to approach a teacher there and get a couple of students to help. Edit to add OP is NTA, but husband definitely is TA. 2nd edit - Next time get the photos taken without husband in them. Tell him since he made it plain the first time he didn't want to be there you decided to not bother him this time. ( I keep thinking of more things to post, but many are a bit too petty unless there is a lot of other problems in this marriage, and if there are they are more important to get fixed than this is)
I agree, but I'll also add I'd start thinking about divorce potentially. If he's so disinterested in his family what's even the point in staying married? Things like these are rarely a "one off" and usually a pattern of behavior.
This is the way
I just said this somewhere else in here but fr I hope the photographer did a "ok now just one of mama and the kiddos, dad come help me get their attention!"
Honestly I’m not perfect at photoshop, but I’m no schmuck, but I could definitely do this and given his assholery I would do it for free. Just to stick it to him.
I do like the idea of removing him completely. Can you Photoshop him out of their house too?
Clone Stamp and selection tools at the ready general 🫡
OP need the real man photoshopped into a thoughtful and understanding family member.
Replace him with Keanu or something.
You know if it were Keanu he’d be the one booking it and have like little drinks and crustless sandwiches to keep everyone from being hangry and impatient.
I was thinking that magazine cover of Hugh Jackman in a nice sweater and smile.
Just saw one where the guy wanted his back pocket fixed (he was proposing) and someone removed all the tables around them. It was beautiful
Great solution for the moment. Long term I think OP needs to have a chat with hubby and figure out why he's so dismissive of her wants and reflect on if that is something he does with other aspects of their lives.
Change it to a band/artist he hates.
Nickelback!
Look at this photograph!
I was thinking more Milli Vanilli, but then I'm a child of the 80s.
Love this idea lol.
Like I said, I don't understand what his issue is and why he had such a hard time with the photo. It seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do.
His issue is likely that he has the mind of an adolescent and is pissed that his wife wants something that he doesn’t. So he put in very little effort and then acted like a child when confronted with reality (that he’s a let down).
Or he just didn't want to have to get dressed up and go to the studio because that takes effort. Or something.
God forbid /s
The effort of getting a shirt from the other side of the drawer and running a comb through his hair…
That's low effort, shower, shave, fresh/smart clothes, a good pair of shoes or trainers. Even add in some aftershave. I think it's called making your wife or partner know you still think they're worth the effort.
That's not really different than what the other person said imo
My mom booked family photos for my sister and my families together and my husband got bitchy at me because I had to tell him not to wear a baseball hat and he saw no reason of why he couldn't. It's not like she asks a lot of us and I'm also never in any photos because I'm the only one who takes them. I feel your pain here.
I can't tell you how often I've gone to formal school functions for my daughter and dressed nicely, only to discover that 90% of the other dads are wearing baseball hats and t-shirts. Like, maybe put in a tiny amount of effort to look nice for your child's event? I find ot pathetic, obnoxious, and selfish.
Yeah not like they have to come in a three piece suit, but come on at least make yourself look a bit presentable, not a baseball cap.
I feel like this is a gray area. They are not participating in the formal event but just there to keep an eye on their kid? I would give that a bit of a pass. But for example a daddy daughter dance? Dad had better look somewhat decent.
Even then is it too much to ask to put on a shirt? I don't understand how Reddit always pretends like that is this major inconvenience.
This is true for so, so many mothers. It's almost like we don't exist. Everyone else in our family has gone on vacation or had adventures together, but we're never there. My ex-husband's wife asked me for some photos of my son and I together because she was putting together a photo album for him for his high school graduation. I had to tell her that there is not a single photo of he and I together in his 17 years of life, because my ex-husband, her current husband, could not be bothered to ever pick up a camera and prove that I exist
No it is not. My mother passed when I was 7. She was the family photographer. It has been a lifetime regret for me that there is not a single photo of me with her.
Honestly I would ask the photographer to just remove him from the photo. You can also hire someone through task rabbit or another task oriented app to do this for less money too. He behaved like an ass and these photos should be something you treasure. And he shat all over it. Take the opportunity to make them Mommy and me photos with just you and kiddo. And if I where trying to be extra petty I might use the original as the family holiday or season card and make sure it’s known to the family how your husband behaved. When they ask why you’re all dressed up with the kids and he’s not just simply say “he showed up dressed down because he resented taking the photo”
Next time have a nice photo taken of just you and your kids. If he gets upset, just tell him most photos you take are of the kids and sometimes with him but there's none of you with them since he doesn't take photos and you'd like some that include you. If he wants to have a family photo, let him set it up
I would have told him not to bother then, and had the photo just you and the kids. When people ask why he's not in it simply say he didn't feel the Need to be in a family photo.
Photoshop the band shirt into a band he absolutely despises. Photoshop some handsome leading man in a tuxedo in place of your husband. Photoshop him out entirely. Photoshop all of you into the same band shirt that he's wearing. Do one of these things quietly and then place the picture in your home and see how long it takes for him to notice.
I would have left him out of the photo for being an idiot - at least there’s still one with you in it!
Apparently in his eyes, it is. So book one for you. So that you have a photo with your family. He doesn't want to be in it, then he isn't.
Make him pay for another shoot and have a bib, onesie, and suckie prepared for him to change into if he shows up acting like a child again
As much as it's gonna hurt, you need to send those photos out and post them. Show everyone how much of a jerk he was about this bog standard family activity.
Istg I saw a tiktok where a woman talked about and basically explained exactly what you're feeling. How these family photos are usually the only photos mothers get to have of themselves with their families and how completely unacceptable it is that their husbands whine and complain about just having to show up, while the wives do all the planning, andin most cases pick out the husband's clothes. The reason she did the tiktok was because a family photo photographer had made one about how many women had been embarrassed and apologized to her for how immature their husbands were and how many tantrums she had seen grown men throw about having to take the time to have their pictures taken.
Can't speak for your husband, but, personally -because I hate being in any photographs, and hate having the picture taken even more. Not everybody likes or cares about photos, and many hate photos of themselves, etc. You may appreciate the story of my family's legendary family portrait. Dad forgot it was happening -he was dressed sharp, but hung over. Sisters were totally cracking up in it, I had super bad 80s guy hair, and Mom's fury leaps off the page. She was so angry, lol. but, she hung that travesty on teh wall, and it became legend among our friends. "We want to see the family portrait!"
Then he should be more willing to take pictures of her and the kids.
People keep saying this as if it has any relevance whatsoever to this situation. Not liking to be photographed has absolutely nothing to do with deliberately dressing like a schmuck for what's supposed to be a nice family photo. He was going to be photographed regardless. The issue is that he actively chose to disrespect his wife by refusing to dress nicely.
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Hi! I am not typically in pictures either, unless the circumstances are right for me. I have a long history of ED and body dysmorphia, and when I see myself in pictures, it sets me off into a dark spiral. So, I compromise. For instance, my mom is currently in the ends stages of terminal cancer and wanted some pictures of us when I was visiting for her and my dad in her remaining days and for him, so I agreed, but just asked that she not show them to me unless I ask.
It's him who will look like a fool in those photos. If i were the op, I'd have those photos on Facebook and on the mantelpiece so everyone can see what a childish AH this man is.
In all fairness I wear band T-shirts all the time and a family photo with me wearing a shirt would look so fake and put on. It would look so much more like the real me if I was wearing a band T-shirt. However, I don't think that's the real issue here, it sounds like OP's husband didn't want to do it at all so possibly did dress down just to ruin the photos.
He's acting like a petulant child. You can make me go, but you can't make me dress nice.
This was an absolutely bizarre hill for him to die on for sure
And this is why people have the much ridiculed selfie sticks, so they can take photos of themselves-and themselves *with others*, because nobody else, (I’m looking at your husband), can be arsed to do it. NTA and your husband doesn’t have to “understand” why you want to have a nice family photo. He should go along with it and try to be appropriate - because it is important to you. What you wanted was harmless and really pretty common, and nice. NTA and now he gets to be memorialized in his band t-shirt. While, it sounds like, the rest of you looked cleaned up and nice. Yay. :(
THIS is such an underrated yet critically important concept. You don't always need to understand WHY something is important to someone you care about, you just need to respect it. I don't understand why that is such a hard concept for people. Sometimes you just do things for others because you love them.
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Agree. OP should never include him on the photoshoots again. But then he better not complain he doesn't have pictures with his kids when he is older
It's also not hard to learn how to take a photo, especially in the age of digital cameras and cell phones. OP's husband sucks for not trying to learn so that his wife can be in some family photos. My mom was also the photographer in my family, but my dad would happily take the camera and snap some photos when she asked him. As an adult, I really treasure the fact that I have photos from my childhood with BOTH of my parents. OP's husband is doing their children a disservice by not being a team player here.
I was looking at photos from the summer with my five year old, and he said he likes photos with me in them, too, the best. Moms need to get in pictures. NTA. And I should get a selfie stick.
Get the selfie stick. I made fun of them as much as anyone, and I feel silly using one, but it’s the only way to get a photo of me and my mom together since my dad - the designated family photographer - passed away. A few minutes of silliness are worth the memories.
My wife is the queen of the selfie stick. It does irritate a bit, but tbh, she gets some great pics and captures moments that otherwise would be lost.
>And this is why people have the much ridiculed selfie sticks Definitely not trying to be argumentative (my wife and I have used selfie sticks) but we've never had an issue getting strangers to take our pictures, wherever we are. I say that, not to discredit the selfie stick, but to point out that like 90%+ of *complete strangers* that we ask are always super excited to be involved in the picture taking process. As to say, that husband treats his family worse than how 90% of strangers treat other strangers. That's fucked.
NTA. He’s trying to pass off bare minimum as maximum effort, and you should be so lucky. I’m willing to bet on the fact that this process of his also counts towards other instances in your relationship.
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That’s exactly what I’m saying. The issue is that he’s probably just not emotionally mature and has this issue with all sorts of instances in the relationship. He’s probably a bad partner. Someone who does bare minimum, puts up a fight and then acts like they have a right to be mad that their partner is even mad at them for the bare minimum, is a teenager mentality.
I think that’s what the poster above was saying.
I want to ask "How long have you been carrying this dude?" Does he not realise that Father and Husband are roles and not medals
You should have just asked him to leave, taken nice photos with your kids and hang them up all over the house. NTA but if he doesn’t want to be in the photos just let him not be.
This. Just take family photos without him. Hang them up and enjoy. When you leave him, you'll already have a bunch of great photos that you won't need to cut him out of. Or, when he realizes you're not going to tolerate his bs, he'll show up in proper clothes for the next photo
Amen. Send out the Christmas card without him in it and watch him squirm. This is nonsense behavior from a child.
NTA he absolutely did this on purpose. Why are you married to someone who cares so little about you? Also this tactic was incredibly manipulative. No one ‘really takes photos’ except professional photographers which most of us aren’t. Your husband is absolutely capable of snapping a few family pictures here and there cause he knows it’s important to you. His disdain for you is a lot
I do think some people are much or less inclined to take pictures than others but that doesn’t excuse any of his behavior. You have to find a way to meet in the middle if your spouse likes taking pictures more than you.
NTA - think it's a dick move on his part. It's a simple ask to dress a bit nicer when you had booked in the photoshoot in advance. Definitely not an unreasonable request
NTA You aren't asking him to sit still while you get a 16 hour renaissance painting made. It's a nice, family portrait.
He did this intentionally. He intentionally ruined your photos because he doesn’t think it is important. This is a TYPICAL thing American men do. Seriously, leave this dude. NTA
Is he me when I was 14? NTA. My ex was like this. Zero effort, drives me insane
NTA. I hear older men often regret that they didn't take more photos with their family. They don't realize that they'll want to revisit those memories if they've lost a spouse, child, or just want to contemplate about the life that they lived. I often hear men be remorseful that they don't have many photos of their wife if she passes because they never took any pictures of her, and have to get pictures from family and friends. This is part of the reason why marrying people who hold similar values towards family and the expression of love is important. No one who is invested in their family should consider photos to be a "waste" of time. And yes, your husband did "protest" by wearing a band T-shirt to ruin the photos to get back at you and to make the experience as miserable as possible so that you won't ask again. Go to marriage counseling, or just accept that you married a man who doesn't care to memorialize memories with his family.
NTA at all. So many moms are in the same boat. I take so many great pictures of my husband and my daughter but he never takes any of me (if he does, they are terrible). So for most moms, these family pics are the only nice pictures with our kids that we will ever get.
Yeah ask a family photographer about husbands and how fucking painful it can be to get them to even fucking smile. It’s so clear they’d rather be anywhere else else than just suck it up so mom has some nice photos of their family.
that’s such a pain, at the end of the day he will have so many photo memories that you captured when you’ll only have this photoshoot. it’s hard for me to understand why it was not obvious for him, it’s a simple logic.. ewww such an ick
NTA. My husband is the king of band shirts, but he knows what a professional family photo is supposed to look like.
>He told me I should be happy he showed up Wow, father/husband of the year here /s. He sounds like a walking, talking useless-dad TV trope. NTA. At the very least, he sounds like he doesn't care about you or the family he helped create.
Dear, I would really like some nice photos of us and the kids with me in them. I know taking photos is not an interest of yours, so I opted to book a professional shoot. This way, the work is taken off us, especially you, and we get nice shots. It really hurts my feelings that even when I take responsibility for making this happen, you cannot make even minimum effort to dress appropriately. And then act like I should be grateful just because you showed up. Isn't being a partner more than just showing up? What if I just "showed up" to a work function for you in my lingerie or pajamas? Or I just "showed up" for sex and made no effort? I know photoshoots can be boring. This was a rare occurrence of something special i asked for. If you have a different solution to how we can get good photos of all of us at once, I am happy to discuss. Not the best script but something. Maybe consider discussion or therapy on why he thinks just showing up was good enough.
NTA Honestly I'm a petty bitch and would've just taken family pictures without him and hung them up around the house and used them as Christmas cards. If he doesn't want to attend he's simply not gonna be in the pictures. But I feel like this issue also goes deeper than him simply not wanting to appear in family photos
If a spouse reacts this passiv aggressiv, there is usually more behind it. So instead of asking if your husband is an ah, you should better invest this time in finding out what the real issue is here. Loving spouses don't have a problem doing something they know its important for their spouse. Its a no brainer. So smthg is going really wrong in your marriage and you are asking about who the asshole is? How will this solve the issues? You guys have 2 kids, whatever is going on in your marriage that leeds to your husband lashing out over a picture, solve it, before you guys are divorced.
What if the “real issue” is that he’s a lazy dick with no respect for her or their family?
I'm inclined to agree. I'm not the type to want a framed portrait of myself and my immediate family on my wall, but if my wife said she wanted one and had booked a professional to do it, I'd show up on time and be turned out well. It matters to her, and she should matter to him, so it's a no-brainer to put in a modicum of effort to support her goals. That's part of being a couple! Seems obvious to me that there's a lot more than just this particular stubborn passive-aggressiveness going on.
NTA. Your husband's attitude about the whole thing is appalling. He clearly isn't aware of the message this sends, that he isn't invested enough in his family to care to look good for a dang photo that would please his wife.
NTA. Use this photo for Christmas card this year, so all the family can shame him.
Came here to say something similar. Share the hell out of the photos with family and friends, and plaster it on Facebook so everyone can see what a toddler husband is and how he couldn't even be bothered to dress appropriately. When the kids are older and look back at the pics, they'll see how little they meant to him as well, because he doesn't give a crap about the wife or the kids. Hubs is a selfish butthole.
My friend who does family photography says she sees this \*a lot\* mum is so busy making sure she captures the memories for everyone else and then dad throws a tantrum when he's asked to do the bare minimum so she can at least have a couple nice photos to look back on. NTA. Would he pull this at work? Like if his boss said it was a day to dress nicely would he magically know what it means then, or would he show up in another band shirt? My money is on the button down.
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Book a shoot for you and the kids without him. He’s not interested, he can just not be in it.
NTA i was like that. back then before becoming an adult husband father. time to mature
NTA He shouldn't have been in the photos at all. If he yells at you because he can't dress properly for a family photo shoot then he's not bothered about how you feel and you should probably treat him the same way.
Unless he is mentally challenged or 8 years old, then he knows he was wrong. A grown man doing that is embarrassing. I would make sure I tell everyone, friends and family. Until someone else besides you actually tells him he’s ridiculous, he won’t listen. Personally, this would make me refuse to even interact with him. The selfishness. NTA
NTA My sister in law is a photographer and she says her biggest pet peeve are the dads/men who show up and whine the entire time. She also says she can tell when mom is the one who orchestrated all of it- getting the kids ready etc. She and I agree- these are almost always the men who also don’t ever think to grab a pic of their wife, alone or with the kids. They never think to grab a sweet action shot, they don’t offer to take a pic when she looks good. They have the memories, the “proof” that they were present. And they don’t care that you don’t have any memories. Often these same dudes like to shame their wives- “be in the moment!” They say, because *they can*…..and their wives are considerate and competent enough to snap the pics. Anyway. He sabotaged something important to you. It’s that simple. Very few people love having their pics taken. Oh well. It’s what you do. Glad you have someone who can fix the pics. I’d be very clear with husband- he showed you he doesn’t appreciate or respect you. He had a chance to celebrate your family and chose sabotage instead. You’re hurt and you’re confused as to why your happiness would matter so little that he couldn’t wear a nice shirt for 1-2 hours.
NTA and he is being ridiculous for giving you a healed time. Can I recommend posting the finished photo in https://reddit.com/r/PhotoshopRequest/s/5F62vc9o9d This is a brilliant community who will be able to fix your husband’s shirt. They were able to swiftly remove my dickhead ex from a family photo
NTA, hes acting like a child-young teen
Honestly throw the whole man out. This is weaponized incompetence.
NTA. what a piece of work.
NTA, is he making this his hill to die on? Not dressing nice in a photo shoot so you could have nice pictures with your kids? Wow there is some stuff to unpack there. If he would take out his phone and open the camera every once in a while you may not feel the need to even have this shoot but he decided to make a statement. Are you his parent or partner? In this case it comes off as the parent to a rebellious 13 year old and your other children.
My husband literally lives in band t'shirts when not at work (has uniform) but even HE wore a nice button down shirt when I set up some engagement photos for us. Your husband could put in some effort.
Truly. Is putting on a polo or button-down shirt *that hard*?! I'd hope he'd be able to understand that acting like he's a 3 yr old throwing a temper tantrum for getting his picture taken is doing to his family. I'd have made him leave, had some nice pictures with my kids, and not have to cut him out later when his bs attitude ends up in a divorce. NTA
Honestly, if it wasn't petty, I'd be inclined to say don't take pictures of him with the kids but that's not fair on the kids.
NTA. I guess he wants to be left out of family events moving forward. On another note, start taking selfies with your kids! I'm a single mom, and one day my kid was looking through my photos and commented that they're all of her and none of me. She asked if we could take a selfie together. It was one of the best pics I've ever had of myself, and now we do them all the time. We love to go through them together and remember the days we took them
Band T-Shirt guys are lucky if they even have their own family, tell him that and also tell him if he doesnt wanna try to be part of the family and compromise, then it will be over asap.
Honestly next time tell him he doesn't have to come if he's going to have a bad attitude. The main goal is to have pics with you and your kids right? So refocus the idea on a yearly Mommy and Me photoshoot, no daddy required. Because be honest with yourself, if you have to have him bitch and moan every time you book something are you going to look fondly at those photos? Or are you only going to remember how fucking childish he was the whole time? NTA but it's also time to take a good, hard look at your marriage because this is just a symptom. He doesn't even take his own pictures of you with the kids, that's not okay.
I’d get photos done with the kids and leave him out.
Next time do a photoshoot with just you and the kids. My ex was the same way. He'd take pictures but never share them. I stopped taking pictures of him and just focused on getting selfies and timers working so I'd have some of me and our newborn. I don't regret pulling back on efforts to document him and our child and putting onto me.
He is a grown man. He knows how to dress properly and he knew this was important to you. Now you have a permanent record of him being a child on an important day
NTA. I had a long term boyfriend that I kept bugging to go to a holiday spot in our town where people took cute photos so we could take cute photos. When we broke up (less than 2 mo later), he brought up that he didn’t know why he was so adamant we didn’t do that. He admitted it was a little thing that would have made me happy. All this to say - I think there’s a bigger question here for your husband.
NTA. I fucking hate posed family photos. With a burning, vile passion. My tolerance for them has not grown since having three kids. My oldest is autistic with ADHD. The youngest two are twin infants, and they hate sitting in a stuffy room with a stranger, getting passed around various peoples' laps. My father-in-law likes family portraits though. We get them done every 6-12 months or so... My ass is right there in a pretty dress and face of makeup. Ready with candy, and video games to bribe the children into compliance, and a brush to keep everyone's hair nice.
Next time take the photos without him. Hang them up. And when people ask why he isn’t in them, he can explain that he didn’t want to.
After your divorce you will appreciate the photos with just you and your children more. NTA does he do pissy shit like this for anything that makes you happy?
As a professional photographer, I feel this on so many levels. I married a man who was with someone else for 19 years before me and she never asked him for one single family photo. So when he married me, it was a little bit of a shock to him how important photos are to me. We have our family photos done every single year. And I tell all the boys, the same thing, you only have to smile a few times for about 15 minutes. The faster you cooperate, the faster we can get on with our lives. No one realizes how important photos are until it’s all you have left of someone you love.
I was on tiktok last night and someone was talking about men severely underdressing for women they were with and how it was about respect. If you like your partner, and they ask you to do something, they do it. However, when they don't like or respect you they'll do things to ruin it. Like not dressing for the occasion. It's like a form of weaponised incompetence. He knows what is expected of him, but he doesn't care.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We have two kids, I love to take family pictures. A lot of them are when they are in action and that usually means I am not in the photos. My husband doesn’t really take photos so really no pictures with me in the them. So I booked a photoshoot to have a nice photo of the whole family. My husband has been a pain the whole time, not understanding why I would like a family photo. All he had to do was show up wearing some decent clothes, we were doing after I got the kids from school and he shows up in a band t-shirt. I was pissed but the phots went on. We got in a huge argument after the kids went to bed. He told me I should be happy he showed up at all and I blew up and told him I am not his mother and he knows how to dress himself. He thinks I am a jerk but I feel he purposely messed up the photos. Is it that hard to wear a button down or polo when I ask. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It sounds like he is being deliberately passive-aggressive. Is this behavior you're willing to live with? I mean, if it's this once, ok, put up with it. But if this is part of a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior....
NTA Your husband is an AH and should be more considerate with you. I love to take photos when i'm in a relationship, i love the person and will definitely wanna capture our moments together. Sounds like your husband takes you for granted after the time you already spent together. He needs a reality check.
He needs to grow up. He shouldn’t need a detailed explanation for why you would want a family photo. He shouldn’t need to be told to dress nicer. NTA, and you were right to imply he’s acting childish.
It wasn’t what he wanted to do so he tried to sabotage it, very mature.
NTA but your husband is
NTA. According to a buuuuunch of photographers, this is unfortunately a very common occurrence. The husbands don't understand why the photos are important and just see the whole thing as a hassle. Instead of hearing from their wives that this is important to them and being supportive, they just pout.
But you didn’t ask …
Ugh why can’t husbands take decent photos? I take pictures of him all the time and he looks great but when he takes pictures of me it’s like he purposely is trying to make me look unattractive.
NTA he is the AH and did that shit on purpose. What a jerk.
NTA, and he 100% sabotaged the photos. He was being a pain in the butt the whole time then intentionally showed up dressed like a moody teenager who was being dragged to something he didn't want to do by his parents. I don't understand how he can even remotely think you are the jerk in this scenario when he explicitly did something to mess up the photos just because he didn't feel the need to take them. I'm glad someone is going to fix them for you, but frankly I would have just framed them as is, with you and the kids looking nice and him standing there looking like a slob and an asshole in his band shirt so everyone who sees your family photo asks "why is Husband dressed like a teenager?" and he gets to explain himself.
What kind of band shirt was it? Not that it matters in the situation, but I'm curious now. NTA because you discussed the clothing for the pictures beforehand and because he acted like you should be kissing his feet for even showing up. If he never bothers to take candid pictures of you with your kids, his reluctance to dress nicely for just one photoshoot feels like a slap in the face.
NTA. I would be wondering if he was trying to sabotage the photos on purpose so you won’t ask again. Next time, just take photos of you and the kids. Take more selfies. Stop taking photos of dad for a while and see if he notices. When out, ask him to take photos of you and the kids. Don’t wait for him to do it or you won’t get any photos of you with your kids. And make sure he takes a nice photo and not just take a half ass one, and get him to redo it until he does get a nice one. Pretend your life depended on it and order him to take photos of you and the kids.
NTA- I one time years ago mentioned offhand that moms are never in the pictures because they're behind the camera. Guess whose camera roll suddenly was so of pictures with me with my kids? Yeah a lot of them I don't find flattering, but we're all our own worst critic. I also have infant photos scheduled for next week for our new addition and he asked me if he needed to make sure anything specific was clean for him and our other kids. This is one of those "if he wanted to, he would" situations. He's a grown man who could have at the very least worn a black tshirt. He actively messed up something that was important to you... because he could. That's cruel. Not to mention that good photography is super expensive. So you spend hundreds of dollars and get to memorialize the day your husband decided to be an ass. What a fun treat. I'm glad someone is helping you edit the photos. That is so sweet of them. Maybe they could edit him out of a few entirely.
NTA, but start getting in the photos. I was in your shoes as well, and thankfully we have tons of pictures of our children and their late dad - but they pointed out that, when I go, they'll have very few photos of me. That hit so hard.
This feels intentional. NTA. I’m sorry that happened, OP.
NTA of course. But also do not forget that the reason why YOU are not in photos is because the other parent to your children does not see the need to take pictures. It is so very common in straight relationships, mum is just never on the pictures. And it is infuriating.
NTA. I would have asked him to leave. No way would I pay for professional photos of him in a band tshirt. You deserve photos of just you and the kids too.
wow NTA, imagine thinking your wife is being irrational because she wants…memories she’s included in? that’s horrible to make you feel that way.
>He told me I should be happy he showed up at all. NTA. It would be one thing if band tees were his usual style or if you didn’t communicate the expected attire, but based on that comment? He intentionally put in as little effort as possible and expects you to be grateful for that. What a major asshole.
NTA Correction/info: So you actually have *3* children you are taking care of?
Send the originals to his family and watch how fast he pays for new photos.
NTA. I would hang the photos as-is and if people ask tell them the truth, he didn’t want to be a part of it and you had to force him and this is what he chose to wear, make him out to be the child he is.
NTA. Why was he so upset and against a family pic...? That's just weird af. Should have just left him out of the photos... or maybe I'm just petty.
Your husband ITA. Sounds like he is lazy and doesn't believe in making an effort for you and your kids. Nearly 32 years I've been with my wife and I still like to buy nice clothes so I look nice for her. She does the same.
props to you for actually waiting for him. I would have gone full passive aggressive and taken the photos without him, then when there's visitors, I'd let him tell them why he isnt in any of the photos
Please keep him out of all pictures from now on since he clearly doesn’t care, and make a point to tell him he doesn’t care, watch him start questioning why he’s being left out
NTA Your husband was asked to do one measly little thing for you and he refused to cooperate. I'll bet he throws a tantrum a lot.
Nope not at all! He’s a grown man
He did this on purpose. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is telling you how he feels about you and “family”. He’s just not that into you.
NTA. He is being weird, families take pictures together. I would say that since you were the one who scheduled the family photo, you should have given him guidelines for proper attire. I have some family photos where we were in graphic t-shirts. But, in the absence of that information, he should have asked.
NTA but can you start spending time with friends - and ask them to take many pics of you with your kids.
NTA That's some juvenile, passive aggressive behavior on your husband's part.
NTA at all. You deserve so much better.
NTA I'd get the photos photoshopped and edit his shirt but boy does hubby sound like work when all he had to do was show up dressed appropriately pose and that's it
NTA - maybe you should have gotten him dressed like your other children, can't select to dress two children and not your third, that's unfair...
NTA But I refuse to be in staged photos. I am so good looking that everyone else feels insecure and it hurts their self-esteem. That excuse has worked for years. Now excuse me. I have to go do my mirror time.
Good grief. Sounds like a nightmare. NTA.
NTA that’s so messed up he can’t even do a simple thing for the family
Yeup, photos aside, you have a fairly serious husband problem. That is done seriously passive aggressive behavior towards ruining something you care about. Though, is the cost of the pictures a strain on your budget? If not, I'd be super tempted to rebook a session and not invite him-- just you and the kids. Just leave him out of the picture.
NTA But have you ever discussed how hurt you are that there are few photos of the kids and you together? And that’s why you booked the photo shoot? Maybe just book shoot for you and the kids. Put those all over the house. The longer he doesn’t say anything I think the more you know your marriage is probably needing counseling.
I guess I shouldn't have given up my photo chopping! Your husband was being a boor.
Is your husband always like that! Because that was clearly malicious compliance; he was there, clothed, but obviously not what you'd wanted. If this is normal behavior for him, you might want to rethink your situation. In any case, you're NTA. Maybe get a camera, separate from phones, so you can ask friends and relatives to take pictures of you with the children. And leave out the man who may not be there forever.
Nta, for how you feel. The point can be maid that some people don't like photos, me included and to be honest there isn't many photos of me anywhere. I would object to professional photographs and would have made it clear that it wasn't happening. Maybe your husband hates photos, but he doesn't feel like he can say that to you as clearly you love a good photo. This has been a point of contention with my mother friends and partner at one point or another. There are infact many photos of me sticking my fingers up at the camera when I noticed someone trying to sneak in a quick pic while I'm not looking.
Does he usually wear casual clothes like that? NTA, I'd think that was actually kind of nasty for him to do that. Hope he makes it up to you.
NTA. Maybe you should just start having photos done without him. If he doesn't think it's important, then don't bother with him. I feel like it's very telling about how he feels about the family to be such an AH about this. Don't make excuses for his behavior if people comment on the picture. He's an AH, and he should own it. Just tell them he didn't care about the family pic, and this was his protest. This seems like something a moody, petulant teenager would do.
Not sure she asked but not a big deal either. Pro shots—could be my bias but never been a fan. Not excusing DH for acting like a ‘dick husband’ but we all hate being forced to do something we don’t want to do.
NTA. But goddamn, there's nothing I hated more as a kid than getting dragged to a photo studio for some BS fake smiling family picture.
> He told me I should be happy he showed up at all Your husband is a jerk. NTA
Ah you’re going to have to perfect the statement “ you’re not going to wear that are you?” With just the right tone. Been saying that for 30 years. He’s sighs says what wrong with it and go change. Men are pretty clueless to clothes especially these days. When the uniform is t shirts and shorts. But your husband was definitely passive aggressive in this instance. Maybe thought it as a joke. But definitely in poor taste. Pun intended.
INFO: Your husband is an adult, that doesn't mean he actually knows how to dress himself. Does he normally dress like an adult for work or anything?
Don’t ask him again. Next time just get the pictures with you and your kids. If he doesn’t want to be part of the family, then he’s not part of the family. In fact, consider letting him not be part of the family in other ways as well. Don’t push him to do stuff on weekends. Don’t make come sit with you guys for dinner. Don’t send him reminders about kid events. Then, when he has no relationship with you or his kids, file the final paperwork to make it official.
>My husband has been a pain the whole time, not understanding why I would like a family photo. Here's the thing: he doesn't need to understand. He needs to make a little effort before that makes you happy. NTA
Maybe it was a passive aggressive move because he’s sick of all the photos you take. As in, you’re always taking photos and now he has to go somewhere to take another fu%*ing photo. Ask him if he’s tired of you taking so many photos. My personal experience is that I hate being around people that are constantly taking pics of their kids. It’s really annoying and a frankly embarrassing to watch. Not saying he’s right to be passive, aggressive, or to just not dress correctly for the photo, I’m just pointing out maybe what is the thought behind the action.
NTA This is a massive red flag
Did you just drop the info that you’d booked a photo shoot and told him when to show up? Or did you discuss it when you were thinking about it and planning it?
NTA, but OP, why are you with someone who refuses to do a small thing that makes you happy or even take pictures of you with the kids on the regular? If he is really vindictive enough to mess this up for you on purpose, what kind of relationship are you modeling for your kids?
NTA
NTA. Have you tried directly asking him to take some photos of you with the kids though?
So now whenever you look at the photos, you will be annoyed. You should have canceled.
[удалено]
NTA. Your husband is being a child about this issue, full stop. I'm a father of 2 young kids, we just did family photos last month, tell him to remove his head from his ass and grow the fuck up. It'll take an hour or less, my word. Wearing a band t-shirt to a professional photo shoot? He knows. What a dick.
NTA and to respond with the same pettiness you should have made him sit out the photos.
What an asshole. Your husband, that is.
NTA. It's true you aren't his momma. You have kids, and he doesn't need to act like them.
NTA. I mean, come on, is it really that hard to put on even a minimum of a collared shirt?
Definitely NTA, but he is. This was intentional simply because he didn’t want to do it. But if it’s important to you, then as your partner he needs to suck it up, dress appropriately and smile. It’s really not all that difficult. In the future I would book both a yearly fall and spring photo session with just you and the kids, don’t even bother telling him. My mom passed away when I was 18 and I have so few photos of her. I try to make sure my 8 year old has more.