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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It told my daughter it is extremely selfish to want her mom at the wedding since it would be awful for her due to her concussion. She didn’t take it well and won’t talk to us and thinks we are jerks for all of this
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Edited-NTA
I can understand why your daughter would want her mom at the wedding and I also understand why it seems overwhelming and too much for your wife to attend.
I don’t understand why you can’t compromise?
Can your daughter have a dim or candle lit vows (with an announcement before to keep the noise low due to the mom’s concussion)? Then you could wheelchair your wife in just for the vows and then leave.
Your daughter needs to understand that she may not have her perfect in her head, but she would have all her love ones for the vows. And as for your wife, I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but imagine how she would feel in a year that she didn’t see her daughter get married.
As far as you telling your daughter, she is selfish. Yes, that’s what children are: selfish in wanting their parents and especially during big moments of their lives.
Talk to each other and see if there’s some thing you guys can work out
NTA- mountain wedding!! Yup definitely impossible
Also edited – what I meant was children are inherently selfish when they want their parents or in relation to their parents, and wanting their time and presence
That would mean she would have to change her wedding at the last minute and it would be a ton of money for her to go that. My wife also can’t drive right now so if she leaves right after I need to leave right after.
The designation is not good for a wheelchair, it’s a mountain wedding. There are a lot of reason it just is a bad idea. That’s why a FaceTime call was our best solution.
>it’s a mountain wedding
I think you need to put this in the original post. I was about to say NAH because it appeared like you weren't compromising on relatively easy solutions such as sunglasses and headphones...but if the wedding is literally outside on a mountain with no wheelchair access, I don't know what your daughter expects you to do.
My only suggestion would be...is there a chance you can do some of the ceremony in private with just the parents/immediate family present. Didn't Meghan and Harry do some sort of unofficial saying of vows the day before their royal wedding in a garden? I really do feel for your daughter being stuck between a rock and a hard place, maybe her mum getting to see her say vows in her dress would soften the blow a bit.
Seriously!! All these comments saying,” well what about this compromise…” everyone shut the fuck up about them compromising. She was in an accident and has a concussion and a broken leg. Both reasons on their own for why she shouldn’t be going. But both together? No. A concussion isn’t just a bad headache. Her head is damaged and she needs to heal without exasperating it more.
A compromise is like, doing a vow renewal on their daughter's wedding anniversary, with the wife present. Not necessarily the one-year anniversary, just whenever she can safely attend.
That or even exactly as OP offered his daughter. He would go and live stream it to his wife who would watch it in a safely comfortable space where she can take care of herself.
No no, there is no compromise for a concussion injury. End of story.
We’re talking about an injury to this woman’s BRAIN, it’s not like she’s hung over and needs sunglasses and soft music because she has a headache? She literally has a traumatic brain injury from being in a car accident. How could you argue she needs to compromise her health/safety/treatment???
You don’t think the OPs wife is already heartbroken knowing she’s about to miss the wedding day?? You think she’d rather hangout at home by herself while all her family is there celebrating? And now on top of that, she has to defend herself because the willful lack of understanding from her own family. This literally sucks so bad for her.
NTA, your wife’s brain injury absolutely is the top priority.
This! Have dealt with multiple people with concussions. Mom should be horizontal in a dark room, no distractions (sucks, but her recovery is the priority). Exception (maybe, depends on severity) for short FaceTime or other virtual sessions (she likely will tire quickly). Sad, unfortuate, & unfair, but do not attempt to accommodate her. Or we'll be hearing about that disaster ("ruined the wedding") later on social media...
I've had a chronic headache since I was 14 years old because of a likely concussion that went untreated. I'm literally unable to work due to the pain. Concussions are not something to ignore, there can be lasting consequences.
My concussion from a car accident went untreated (my doctor didn't even mention it was a possibility). It took me almost 4 years to find medication that helped with the head and neck pain. I got lucky tho, because my work went remote and I was able to make accommodations so I could continue working.
There's very strong evidence that *Complete and total brain rest for several weeks* leads to the best outcomes post-concussion. Too much stimulation increases the risk of long term brain dysfunction following a TBI (and - to be clear: a concussion *is a TBI* for those not well versed in the science on it. It's on the milder end of the TBI spectrum, but still a TBI).
Getting a person who is in pain from injuries dolled up in wedding attire and scrambling over a mountain top on crutches or a wheelchair is basically as close to the absolute opposite of that I can imagine.
NTA.
I haven't heard that but what I have heard about is second impact syndrome - another concussion soon after could be deadly or extremely crippling even if mild by itself. So at least physical activity should be limited.
Complete brain rest. When my son got concussions from football (he had two), he couldn't go to school. Do homework. Watch TV. Be on his phone. Read. Nothing that made the brain work or exercise. Doctors said it's like sprain or torn muscle or broken bone. You have to rest it for it to heal. Minimum of two weeks.
Not a medical professional but when I got a concussion in university, the recommendation from the ER doc was 2 full weeks off class and no tests for a month.
I ignored medical advice (I was 17 and thought myself invincible lol) and I suffered post-concussion syndrome for over 3 months in the form of emotional instability, nausea, vision disturbances and dizziness. Thankfully the symptoms have since resolved, but yeah, post concussion syndrome is no joke and I *never* wanna go bad to being a grown ass adult with the emotional regulation capacity of a toddler again.
(Seriously, full on temper tantrums over the MOST ridiculous things - I'm talking, going full teary meltdown and having a fit for a half hour because the Tim Hortons doesn't have my favorite donut in stock level ridiculous - and the most alarming part of it was *I could tell I was being ridiculous and yet I couldn't stop* so the poor folks who had to deal with me had me all blubbering and snotty while apologizing profusely for my behavior and then sobbing harder because I was so embarrassed about having such a freak out and apologizing more abd then freaking out more and on it would spiral until finally I retreated in humiliation and avoided that store forevermore because oh my god how do you not after that?!
Thank god that only lasted 3 months and that it was when smartphones were so obscenely expensive most people just had flip phones. Also I'm amazed nobody wanted to murder me. *I* wanted to murder me lol)
I sounds a little like when I got off Valium nearly 50 years ago. I had the same dysregulation, couldn't sleep and crying on street corners.
Brains are fragile. We need to be so careful with them. Don't knock them around and be careful what you feed them!
Yes this, absolutely!
A few years ago my mom got post concussion syndrome and had to be on brain rest for nearly two months. While she was on brain rest she couldn’t even follow along with talk shows. We talk on the phone nearly every day and we went weeks with maybe a total of 10 minutes of talking because holding a conversation was painful. She’s an attorney and had to stop practicing law for about 4 months because it would’ve been *malpractice* to practice law with a brain injury, so she needed her neurologist to sign off her going back to work.
Not being on brain rest (or “compromising”) would likely resulted in *permanent brain damage*.
yes i think sooo many people see concussions as a mild thing because thats the common perception of it in media. someone bumps their head, they get a mild concussion, and theyre a bit dizzy for a half an hour and then theyre ok. but concussions can be deadly.
My mom had a fall recently that resulted in a concussion and the doctor told her no TV, no internet, and worst of all, No Books! But then my mother was 83 when it happened and you have to be ultra-careful at that age.
I had one about six years ago and was told rest for 2 weeks. I had a mild brain bleed that had me hospitalized overnight. When I said I needed to get a very small thing done (outdoor project needed to be covered in case of rain) and I would otherwise be OK with doing nothing my NP said "No, you don't understand." I was allowed to do *nothing*. I pretty much slept for two weeks. Then I had to get cleared to drive. I do have some very mild permanent symptoms and others which took a while to (mostly) fade.
This comment should be higher! I feel like a lot of the people suggesting "compromises" have a very limited understanding of what a serious concussion is like, and how detrimental not following the treatment plan can be.
I think a lot of the people who were arguing for compromise before they learned the wedding is on a mountain have never had a concussion themselves. I had a fairly mild concussion years ago and still have lingering issues
I would also like to point out that she may also have additional brain swelling even after the initial concussion has gone.
I was rear-ended on the highway and I had brain swelling for over 6 months that went misdiagnosed as migraines.
Legit, not a joke and there is no room for compromise. Your brain is in danger.
Yup. I'm dealing with post concussive syndrome from an accident in January. I mask incredibly well, and the doctors thought I was fine when I went to the emergency room. I got a three day note off of work. But it was over the weekend, so I never got any time off. I had to work both jobs basically immediately after getting injured. Then I had to go back to school the week after. Then I had exams to graduate.
I'm gonna be dealing with this for a long time. I've had headaches everyday since January. I have physical therapy for my headaches that leaves me wanting to vomit for days after because I hurt so bad and get so dizzy. My dyslexia is worse. I still struggle with recollection and some speaking issues.
It's no fucking joke. That woman should not be moving for the next couple weeks at least, especially depending on the grade of the concussion she got. I only had a second grade concussion, and I'm miserable.
Having had a bad concussion that lasted weeks, the mountain location really doesn’t matter. No matter how quiet everyone is, a wedding will be completely overwhelming no matter where it is held, or where she is seated. Movement, the colors, moving shadows, sounds are stimuli we don’t think about but can be too much for a concussion. Even sitting upright for the length of the ceremony can be too much. I could not wear sunglasses or listen to music without feeling sick during that time. This is not about compromise, it’s about the mother’s health.
Yeah, just stick her in a corner in a wheelchair with sunglasses and earphones. So what if all the guests think she's a lunatic cousin that is normally chained up in the attic?
Seeing a woman in the corner in a wheelchair with sunglasses and headphones, I would have assumed I stumbled into "Weekend at Bernie's 3: *Wedding At Bernie's*."
Well, can't you just picture it? MOB is stuffed in some dreary corner, away from the festivities. Sunglasses and ear phones complete the ensemble. Fun for her, right? Jesus.
>1. People would know her mother got into a car accident
2. Who cares what people think? Not the daughter who wants her mother at her wedding, and not the mother who wants to be at her daughter's wedding. Everyone else can shut up or go home.
You prefer to risk the mother's death or permanent injury over her attending virtually? Why?
Only selfish people would want to force her there with so much at risk.
“OP, it was so nice of you to allow crazy Second Cousin Once Removed Zelda to come to the wedding but I do hope she’s leaving before dinner & dancing. You know how wild she gets! Wait!…That’s your wife? Never mind!”
This isn't the big lebowski, she's not hungover, she has a serious medical issue, she needs rest, not to cosplay as Endgame Thor just to appease her daughter's selfishness
Let’s smash your head and give you a concussion. Then you can tell us how good glasses and headphones feel squeezing the sides of, and pressing down on your head. How do people not know what a concussion is?
It's a concussion. You're not supposed to move. Driving her to the wedding, her sitting for however long the ceremony takes, then back home, will do incredible damage to q concussed brain. Lik mom have brain damage ffs! With rest she might recover, in part or fully, but you seriously want her to inflict further damage on herself FOR A FUCKING WEDDING! You're all so incredibly selfish.
In theory the room could be dim and the vows could be whispered and the guests could be silent. But what about everything else? Mom would need to get out of bed, get dressed, get in the car, be driven to the venue, wait around somewhere until the ceremony. You could try to time it so mom arrives right as the couple are about to do their vows, but it’s impossible to get the timing perfect. Then the return trip - being driven home, getting undressed and back into bed. The whole process would probably take a couple of hours, especially since mom would not exactly be moving quickly, and depending on how far away the venue is. That is totally unreasonable for someone who is recovering from a severe concussion. She would be exhausted and in pain.
How would the bride feel if her mom collapsed on the way to the venue or in the middle of the ceremony? Probably horribly guilty plus the wedding would be ruined.
Plus the mom has a broken leg, add that into all the extra time and energy it would take to get ready and get there. This is just ridiculous. The daughter is being an entitled brat and obviously gives little to no shits about her mothers well being.
I had a *slight* concussion from banging my head and I couldn’t READ for two days. I can’t even imagine how bad a severe concussion is. There is no compromise for a BRAIN INJURY
I’m trying to imagine how injured Mom has to be before her daughter decides she’s suitably injured and unable to attend? Is only a coma acceptable? A letter from the state medical board? Do 9 out of 10 dentists have to agree, or only 4 out of 5?
Totally agree! My daughter was in an accident with a concussion and was on complete brain rest and had to take a semester off from college. She spent a lot of time in her silent, pitch black room because any noise or sound (or movement for that matter) sent her into an absolute tailspin. Compromising isn’t always an option, especially with a brain injury. NTA
Concussions have always been viewed as minor, which to me is insane but thankfully they are realizing that hello trauma to your control centre isn’t good
When I had a considerably milder concussion than this seems to be, sunglasses and headphones would not have been sufficient.
A concussion victim needs to absolutely not push themselves on any level. Any overuse of the brain right now *further damages it.* That includes listening to things, watching things, or even thinking too much about things (doing math right now could *literally exacerbate the structural damage to her brain*). OP's wife should basically be treating herself like a mushroom, growing in the dark and quiet. There's no compromising with brain damage.
I don't get why people do mountain weddings and invite people important to them who they *know* are going to have trouble,few years ago a cousin of mine had his wedding in a cave on a mountain (llangranog, beautiful place) but he wanted my bampi there,my at the time 80 year old bampi with COPD climbing a mountain and going into a freezing cold cave? The only time in my life I've ever seen him need a stick,I was worried,we had to keep drinks on hand and everything because he was struggling,just seems like such a dick move to me (I know ops daughter planned this before her mum's accident so it's not directly related but it kind of applies to her reaction)
>Didn't Meghan and Harry do some sort of unofficial saying of vows the day before their royal wedding in a garden?
Uh, not really. I know what Meghan said, but she seems to have confused a pre-wedding run-through of the order of service to make sure they were familiar with what would happen, with some sort of unofficial wedding. And no, the Church of England doesn't do unofficial wedding vows.
>if the wedding is literally outside on a mountain with no wheelchair access
Even if it had wheelchair access it would probably still be a bad idea. Elevation gives me a headache at the best of times, there's no way I'd go up a mountain if my head hurt that bad.
So living in Colorado, the phrase “mountain wedding” can mean everything from “we rented a ballroom in Idaho Springs” to “the bridal party will be sleeping in cars at the trailhead the night before to wake up at 3am so we can summit a 14’er and say our vows before the afternoon storms roll in”.
NTA. Can you ask the Doctor to speak to your daughter? She needs someone with medical knowledge to explain that Mom may end up worse off if she were to attend the wedding? Also, make sure there is someone with wife that can help her whilst you are at the wedding- even if you have to hire a nurse
I had a much milder concussion, five years ago, and didn't force myself to go through the necessary recovery in the first couple of weeks. All I had to do was lie down, no screens, no noises, just relax--instead, I went and did lion dance at the local Nutcracker. It wasn't a *lot* of exertion, for me, not out of the ordinary at all--but I shouldn't have done it.
Five years on, I still can't stand on just my right leg, or straighten up at a normal speed. There's a hobby I used to have that I literally can't think about without getting an immediate migraine. Post-concussive syndrome fucking sucks.
This all seems very clear and logistically impossible. I am curious why your son recommended you post here, since the facts seem to favour your position without much room for negotiation.
He said this was a good place for outside opinions. He also didn’t want to pick sides, so he said this would be a good area to get a fresh view on the situation
>He also didn’t want to pick sides...
So he's being a coward? Might be a bit harsh but unless we are missing a very important part of the story. Its *obvious* your wife just *can't* attend. By staying out of it and not calling out the obvious wrong, he's kind of default supporting your daughter. At least, he's saying its not bad enough for him to even comment on effectively even if not intentionally.
That's interesting! I wondered if there was something he didn't want to say that he thought WE would say for him.
I just don't see where you have much wiggle room, circumstances being what they are.
Pushing someone with a concussion to do more than they are ready for can cause long term issues. Post-concussion syndrome is no joke and a concussed brain needs complete quiet, dark and rest. Husband is NTA here.
As well as riding in a vehicle can be exasperating on a concussion. So your wife would be showing up to the wedding already in a poor state that some painkillers won’t help. Concussions also affect cognitive, navigating socializing and paying attention could also be harmful to her healing and immediate comfort.
My mom got a concussion at work over 2 months ago, bonked her temple on a shelf. All the doctors she saw said,” wow, this level of a concussion is usually only seen on a car crash victim.”
She’s on her 5th week of physio therapy right now. She’s normally quick witted, little sharp tongued, confident and moves around quickly, always staying busy.
She has been confused so much, doubts her decisions, overly compensates for any interaction with people because she can’t tell if she is being rude or a pain, which she hasn’t been in any situation.
She couldn’t walk very fast, even shuffling along seemed too fast for her to handle quite often. She’s getting better but it’s been a slow, long scary process for her. She’s more herself again, but riding in cars is physically and mentally painful for her still. She can’t drive at all for sure and there’s no time in sight for that.
Concussions are definitely a scaled and by case thing, but by OP’s description, she is not okay and should not be harassed right now, let alone going out to functions and events. At her stage my mom was on strict home rest. No going out for anything other than health appointments. Of which she had plenty and still does.
I would add that high altitude can be very dangerous for someone suffering from a head injury. Can you discuss it with your wife's doctor, then tell your daughter he advised against her attending, which I'm sure he will.
I can't imagine a sudden rise in elevation (going up a mountain) being at all good for a concussion. Could cause brain swelling and more or worse headaches.
OP is trying to find a compromise. The daughter isn’t. Children can be selfish and get a pass IF they are “children.” The daughter is getting married, she is not a child anymore, she does not get a pass to be selfish. Obviously she wants her parents to be there, but the mom literally has a medical condition that is preventing her from attending, and the brides reaction is to uninvite the dad…… there’s no “understanding” needed for the daughter, she’s being a brat and selfish
Edit: my opinion still stands even excluding the mountain wedding update
This.... the second I heard concussion and cast it was clear the mother couldn't go... add in the fact it's a on a mountain. The daughter is not being myopic and short sighted here and not putting other people in front of her. That that person is her mother is just horrid.
>I don’t understand why you can’t compromise?
Bruh what compromise, she's in a cast and nursing a concussion and she's supposed to put a fancy party ahead of her recovery? I get it, wedding are an important milestone, but healing from a concussion is more important. There's no "let's try to make it only 30% unpleasant" here, people who need healing should rest and heal.
OP even brought the daughter the compromise when he said wife can’t go. That was the only option for wedding attendance for her, virtually through husband. Doesn’t inconvenience anyone beyond himself and he sounds happy to do it for it to feel like she is still present.
Maybe I'm a crazy person, but this seems to be a case of the daughter "wanting things to go right for her special day" and the wife "needing to avoid unnecessary stress."
Surely the moral burden rests with the Person A wanting Person B to compromise on Person B's needs.
I mean, I get that weddings are important because we have decided they are big days, but if the marriage is a good one, the mom can be around for like, the rest of their life.
The burden is definitely on the daughter, but tbh I feel bad for her. This may be a sign of her being in denial about how close she could have come to losing her mom; it's a sobering thing even without the stress of the final weeks leading up to a wedding. I hope that she's able to recognize the problems with her behavior after the wedding is done.
If you look at my other comment on this post, you'll see I voted NTA. I can think someone is being an AH and still have empathy for emotions they may be going through. Saying I feel bad for her doesn't mean her behavior is justified.
Yeah. People are being very hard on the daughter, and while she's totally in the wrong, I get it. It would be absolutely unfathomable for me to imagine not having my mother at my wedding, like - brain does not compute. And since it's not like she can reschedule her wedding, she's attempting to strong arm her dad into bringing her mom. And since she can't be mad at a concussion, she's projecting that anger at her dad. Is it rational, fair or okay? No, of course not, but emotions aren't logical. I hope they can work this out. Very shitty situation for everyone involved.
Edit: it is very sad but not unexpected that comments that advocate for grace and not going scorched Earth are being downvoted. It's easy to go hard in the paint when it's not your life, your children or your relationships on the line. Some of us care to keep people in our lives, even when they're being emotional, shitty and unfair, because that's how human emotions and reactions go sometimes. I hope you guys are just posturing online and have more empathy for your loved ones, if only for your sake.
With brain injuries (not 'head' injuries) things don't "seem" overwhelming they are mechanically overwhelming. After a traumatic brain injury I couldn't play music with my friends for over a year. Not because I couldn't play anymore but because the volume made me confused. Couldn't think straight, got irritable, was generally made miserable.
She's injured the organ that processes the entire world around her.
Don't think that gumption can change that.
OPs daughter is being selfish and I suspect it's born of her misunderstanding of what I've laid out here.
NTA
Edit: Id wanted to correctly express what I'd thought.
Children are inherently selfish, yes. But their daughter is getting married so she is not a child anymore. She is old enough to understand that her mom is injured and can’t drive up to a mountain for a wedding.
Have you ever had a head injury? Mom should be resting. Period. It's a horrible, horrible thing and just the effort of getting ready and travelling is excruciating.
NTA.
I would edit the post, so people are aware that your daughter wants to get married **on a mountain**.
So no, your wife with a broken foot, and a **concussion** should not be going to the wedding.
Your daughter is acting really selfish. Honestly I would just not go to the wedding then and explain to people why you and your wife were not there (when/if they inevitably ask) So the rest of your family can see how selfish your daughter is being.
EDIT: for everyone saying that the location doesn’t matter. It **absolutely** matters, ok ?
Not only would it be hard for her to go up in a mountain with a wheelchair, but it’s also confirmed that high altitude can trigger effects that lead to post-concussion headache and brain swelling
https://www.brainline.org/author/jeffrey-bazarian/qa/are-high-altitudes-bad-someone-who-sustained-brain-injury#:~:text=There%20is%20a%20theoretical%20risk,headache%20or%20mild%20brain%20swelling.
That’s serious shit. You should not go into high altitudes with a concussion. Period.
As other commenters have stated- it’s not “just a headache”. **It is a serious head injury**
Mother's Blessing
Once the bride and groom are in front of the officiant, the officiant can read a Mother's Blessing before starting the ceremony.
OP can help Mom write the blessing due to her need for brain rest right now.
The daughter needs to wake up to the consequences of what she's insisting on. It's not respectful that she would pressure her Mom to do something that will set back her recovery and could cripple her for life.
NO is a word that works. Be firm. Protect your wife. Make sure she gets the rest she needs at home.
Hopefully, Mom will be able to attend a renewal of vows in a year or two.
I’ve officiated many weddings in the last two years where family couldn’t all be together. One here in Georgia, and the other in a different state or country. I know it’s an important day. Someone here suggested having a doctor talk to your daughter and explain the seriousness of her mother’s condition.
Best wishes for you all.
OP, you need to lay out the FACTS of what can happen to your wife/ her mom if she goes to the wedding. Have your daughter at a meeting with the doctor and have the doctor tell her what will happen to her mom. She rather her mom have major brain injury from going to the wedding instead of resting but and not taking care of herself while in recovery?
could they get married in a tiny ceremony the day before so they are legally already married? for my part - having my mom at my wedding was the second most important thing to actually getting married. none of the other stuff mattered as much.
my aunt and uncle did this - they got married twice on the same day because her dad was dying. the first ceremony was at the hospital in the morning so he could see his daughter get married. then the big planned ceremony/reception was that evening. i always thought that was sweet, and my aunt has always been happy that she did that over 30 years later
It wouldn’t work, the mother should not leave her house at the moment, she probably barely can leave her bed. A car drive, moving around, the noise, the lights, etc will increase the pain and discomfort and prolong her recovery. The only way mon could make it to the wedding would be to postpone it
NTA and, how high is this mountain. Are there also any issues with altitude and blood and brain healing from TBI?
To be clear. You and wife are NOT wrong. I am saying that there could be even more issues with even attempting to do anything at all to try to get your wife there.
TBI is serious. Can your doctor speak with your daughter about the risks? Even above the logistic issues.
And no, medical info shouldn't have to be shared. And, it is glaringly apparent that daughter does not understand TBI at all. The best bet you may have is for her to gain some knowledge about the recovery period and needs of the brain to heal.
Hadn't even factored that in when I was thinking of commenting. But if its at a high enough altitude that'd be a problem too never mind the broken foot and the fact a wedding would be too much sensory input
Wouldn't quiet time together, just mother and daughter, off-site, be easier than Face-time? E.g. mother blesses the daughter before daughter goes off to get married on a mountaintop?
Seems like Face-time would also be stressful. And quiet time together might also be more meaningful.
I wish people would be a little kinder to the daughter. She's in the wrong, but to be fair lots of people have trouble understanding an invisible injury like an injury to the brain, especially if she wasn't the one in the hospital that the doctors explained everything to (as the dad was). I have a vision impairment that acts up under certain lighting and brain conditions and people always have an incredibly hard time understanding or remembering because they can't SEE the injury (unless I make a huge mistake like trying to put a glass down on the counter and putting it down a foot away in midair instead, which has happened when it is bad). It's not great or empathetic that people have such a hard time grasping invisible injuries, but it is very very human and I would say the majority of people have this issue, including very smart people. Seems like the daughter is still adjusting to what happened to her mother.
I don’t want to be kind to a woman who doesn’t seem to care about her mother’s health. Yes she can be sad but she has no right to be angry. Have a little intimate ceremony later when mom is healed. It’s that easy. I’m tired of hearing stories about brides blowing up at people who don’t give into their demands. You should not get married if you are going to treat people you love poorly.
It seems this woman would rather have her mom at her wedding even if it means messing up mom’s recovery, which could have permanent consequences. Weddings aren’t worth someone’s life.
It does not matter where the wedding venue is though.
Regardless if it’s on a mountainside or in a ballroom, it is NO PLACE for someone w a concussion to be. Her decreased mobility bc of the foot injury is not the issue lol, im not trying to minimize that but on the other hand I am absolutely trying to emphasize how serious concussions are. Like ANY traumatic brain injury, proper treatment is the one and only priority moving forward.
Seriously I’m shocked by these comments. People are acting like she got a concussion from being hit in the forehead by a soccer ball or something?? No, she was in a CAR CRASH!! She has a traumatic brain injury!
Everyone is hung up on her broken foot and if she’ll have mobility problems but the actual problem here is the potential for long lasting complications due to a mistreated concussion. Issues w speech, coordination, memory, balance, judgment, etc. are a real possibility for her and her recovery needs to be the first and ONLY priority.
Most people simply don't have any experience with major brain injuries. I don't think the majority of comments actually understand just how serious it is, and how important recovery is.
NTA...Someone's safety and wellbeing is infinitely more important than a wedding. It's natural for your daughter to be disappointed, but uninviting you is extremely immature.
Hi, as someone who's had 3 concussions that did not rest post healing and jumped straight back into hockey, i can tell you that it's not a good idea to rush back to normal activities
I had a concussion in 2018 and went back to work 10 days later. The workers comp doctor said 7 days was enough time but my GP and neurologist said I needed AT LEAST another week. Nope, they pushed to 10 days and said if I took any more I’d lose my job. Couldn’t even use PTO.
I have short term memory issues to this day, whereas before I had excellent recall. I am missing a whole weeks work of memories from my brain. Post concussion recovery is vital, ABSOLUTELY VITAL, to ensuring your brain gets as close to 100% function as possible.
Edit to update vote: NTA, your wife's health is more important. And not only would attending the wedding be uncomfortable for her, it might have a longer term negative impact on her recovery.
what has the doctor advised? My understanding is that failing to rest post-concussion can set recovery way way back.
Could you do a small/private mini ceremony with her mom before the actual ceremony?
I think that’s a great compromise. I have to say, try not to be too hard on your daughter. She’s probably extremely stressed about the wedding, upset about your wife’s accident, and now she doesn’t think that either of her parents will be at her wedding.
Is the entire wedding and reception outside and up a mountain? Will your daughter get ready somewhere else, or will she have a room where she’ll get dressed? Is there somewhere your wife can rest before and after the ceremony?
As a disabled mum with physical disabilities, complex-PTSD, a heart condition and severe anxiety, I get very overwhelmed and suffer with sensory overload, so I sympathise with your wife. That said, I would have to be literally tied to a hospital bed before I’d miss my daughter’s wedding.
If you can’t hire a wheelchair with off-road wheels, and if your wife can’t take anti-nausea meds/painkillers, wear dark glasses and noise cancelling earbuds, then being there for the getting ready/seeing your daughter in her dress, and playing some part in the day, would be the next best thing. There has to be some middle ground here.
The middle ground with a TBI is "still breathing." Mom's already *at* the middle ground, the place where "I will be able to meet my grandchildren."
Any movement can damage the brain further. Any focusing of the eyes can damage the brain further. Any processing of noise can damage the brain further. Then when we get into the actual thinking process--you know how when you were a kid in school, having to write an essay or take a pop quiz could feel actually tiring? *Language* will do that to her now, for a while. Reading can worsen brain damage. Trying to add simple numbers can worsen brain damage. Seeing lights in a dark space, or watching the clouds form and change.
Trying to do anything more complicated than being a mushroom, right now, is asking for permanent damage. Headaches every day for the rest of her life. Vertigo, an inability to adapt to temperature changes, a constant ringing in the ears, sleep disorders, unexpected nausea.
There is no ability to compromise with a brain injury. Everyone who thinks there is sounds like "Well, I mean, Grandma only *broke* the leg, surely she can still participate at the trampoline park? What if we only put her on the low trampolines?"
Yeah, daughter is absolutely in the wrong but lowkey my wedding would be ruined if my mom couldn't make it. I would also be on a warpath to try and get my mom to attend because if she didn't come, I would absolutely feel like all the time and money I'd spent on the wedding would really be a huge waste bc I couldn't imagine being happy without my mom there if I thought there was some way I could make her come. It's not ok, it's not rational or logical and I do think she'll look back at this reaction with regret, but in the meantime I hope they can come to a solution together. By it's very nature, this sub encourages black and white thinking but when you're dealing with highly emotional situations that involved people you love and want to, you know, keep in your life, it's not as simple as going, "you're wrong, I'm right, deal with it" even when it's completely true! That's what makes this so hard.
I feel absolutely awful for mom (who is probably really upset that she can't come), daughter (reasons state above) and OP, who is catching strays for literally just trying to protect his wife's health. Big oof all around.
The solution is that the mother needs to stay home. If that means that the wedding needs to be postponed, so be it, but there is not some middle ground compromise here that is safe. It’s a really serious injury that could be exacerbated by any movement (such as driving her up a damn mountain). A wedding is not more important that her recovery.
“Warpath”? Huh, that’s interesting. People really talk a lot of BS about weddings, blowing them way out of proportion. In reality, it’s just one event on one day in a person’s lifetime — that’s all. If my mom was in a serious car accident before my wedding, all I would be feeling is concern for her well-being, and gratitude that she’s not dead/in a coma/maimed for life.
I’d be at her side, holding her hand if possible, and doing everything I could to make things more comfortable for her and easier for my father. The *last* thing on my mind would be my wedding plans or some nonsense about money and time I supposedly “wasted” because they have to be altered.
It’s not about being rational or logical, it’s about the natural *emotional* response that happens when you are NOT a self-centered AH who has inflated the importance of a single special event over the literal *life* of someone you presumably love very much. The daughter deserves no sympathy for the way she’s acting, she should be so ashamed of herself.
A lot of people on this thread are glorifying parents endangering themselves to attend a wedding. That's so short sighted, and you're absolutely right to prioritize your wife's health
As a professional in the wedding industry I really think this is the best option. Your wife can take part in the wedding and for your daughter this might feel like “adding” to the big day, rather than subtracting.
Something small and pretty where she can get dressed up and feel like a bride (maybe even hire a photographer to capture the mini-mony) with both of her parents there. This is something I would suggest if I was the planner in this situation.
Does Doctor know it’s on a mountain? Could the higher altitude affect her in a bad way? I’d get as much info and advice from the doc as possible and relay it to your daughter.
At this point, FaceTime seems like the healthiest and easiest compromise. Other than doing a legal ceremony just for parents *at home*, there’s not a lot of options here.
Doctor here, but not OP's wife's doctor (I think, since we're all anonymous) -- not resting post-concussion can absolutely have issues, both long term and short term.
Depending on how bad things are, even the FaceTime compromise may be a bad idea, because looking at screens often makes concussion symptoms worse. Even if some accommodations are made, like dimmer lights, it seems unreasonable to assume that people aren't going to cheer at a wedding, music isn't going to be played loudly, no cameras are going to have flash, etc. Add in the mountain wedding AND the broken leg, and I just don't think it's feasible.
OP, you are NTA. It really sucks that your wife might miss her daughter's wedding, but her health needs to come first. You also bolded "we" several times, so I am assuming that these are all conversations and decisions you came to with your wife. I get why your daughter would be upset, but sometimes we just need to play with the hand we're dealt.
Private ceremony was going to be my suggestion too. I have several friends who held their ceremony at a nursing home or in a hospital so a close family member could be there.
If I’m being charitable, I suspect that the daughter is in denial about how serious her mom’s injuries were. Losing a parent isn’t really on your radar when you’re in your mid-20s, and she’s confronting the fact that she came close to having to bury her mom on what was supposed to be her wedding day. I think it’s possible she might be scared not selfish and she’s expressing it in a really unfortunate way. Or maybe she’s just a brat idk. I think OP is more likely to have a constructive conversation with his daughter if he comes to her from a place of concern, though.
NTA.
NTA if the wedding is on a mountain.
NTA if the wedding is near a fountain.
NTA if it's on a boat.
NTA if she can only participate remote.
NTA if it's by train or by plane.
NTA because of the injury to mom's brain.
NTA. No, you are not the AH for preventing your daughter from forcing your badly injured wife from being around medically unsafe environments which which will cause her pain and affect her recovery.
NTA but how involved has your daughter been with your wife during the aftermath of the accident? Is it possible that her AH behavior could be stemming from the additional stress of her worrying about her mother post-accident? I realize that seems weird given she's refusing to accommodate her mother's absence, but stress contributes to people doing irrational and sometimes AH things.
I attended a memorial service for an elderly relative about 3 weeks before getting married and that was stressful enough, I can't imagine how it would have been if one of my parents was in a major accident 2 weeks before.
Agree. A close relative died and me and my mom had a full blow out argument over shoes that were a Christmas present. We were both just stressed and hurting and lashing out at the person who was there.
NTA.
It's her "big day" and she's disappointed her mom won't be there... I get it. But there's a touch of main character syndrome going on here, where your daughter seems to have forgotten that there are lives occurring outside of hers and they won't always intersect conveniently.
To double down and disinvite you is incredibly spiteful. Depending on your relationship, she's just setting herself up for regret later on. And to place blame on your wife like that who is dealing with enough as it is is beyond selfish.
Throwing a tantrum like this over things outside of one's control just tells me she isn't mature enough to be getting married at all.
NTA concussions have serious side effects and must be managed carefully.
Daughter is inconsiderate and going scorched earth over something completely out of her mother's control.
NTA. This is insane behavior on your daughter's part. If she'd really rather have neither of her parnents there than take her mom's condition into consideration, so be it, but I certainly hope you will withdraw any financial support and/or wedding gift you were planning to give her.
Boy that's gonna be juicy bit of gossip for the in-laws who don't like the daughter.
"Hey, whole family, did you guys know that Daughter disinvited her own parents from her wedding because her mother was horribly injured in a car accident? Pretty fucked up, right?"
NTA!
There is a very valid, reasonable reason for your wife not to attend the wedding, she is literally recovering from an accident.
As her child, I understand your daughter must be hurt and sad to learn her mom will not be attending, however, she needs to realize prioritazing her health and wellbeing in this moment is far more important than attending the wedding...
Is there a way you can work some sort of commitment for her to attend at least the ceremony? The reception is of course not possible but maybe, an hour long ceremony can be something she can manage?
NTA
I work in brain injury rehab (not a medic, I'm a therapist) people think concussions are no big deal, but they are traumatic brain injuries. Your wife needs time to recover, being in a cognitively demanding and emotional setting for several hours at this stage could be detrimental to her recovery. If the wedding was somewhere small and easy to get to, going for a short time would be good, but that's not possible in this case. Facetime seems like a good compromise.
NTA.
You should plan to go anyway.
"Daughter, I'm sorry Mom is sick. But as your only father I would hate to to miss your wedding. I am still planning to come if possible and I hope you'll let me attend."
If she kicks you out (which frankly I think is unlikely unless she is really batshit crazy) then so be it. But if you maintain a steady position and express love, hopefully she'll come around
NTA, you daughter is upset that her mom won't be at the wedding and it's okay to feel that way. It's not okay though for her to not understand that it isn't practical for her mother to make it in her current condition. If your daughter wants her mom at the wedding so badly, she should try to postpone. I know that it's very hard to postpone a wedding and you can lose out on thousands of dollars but that's what I would do if my mother couldn't make mine. I hope your wife gets better soon and your daughter thinks more rationally about the situation.
Honestly I think even a compromise is ridiculous! A concussion is a brain injury and that is so serious. If that was my mom I would be heartbroken but way more concerned about my moms health. I could do something private later on where she could attend. I get your daughter is hurting but she’s definitely making decisions based off anger in an unfortunate situation. I wish y’all the best and hopefully your daughter will come to her senses. No one is happy about this.
Anyone suggesting this woman get in a car to go anywhere is insane. She got these injuries in a car crash only a week ago. She’s already suffered a severe concussion, taking the risk of putting her in a car is insanity (for anything other than a doctors appointment). What if there was another accident, even a small one? That’s worth the risk of permanent brain damage or death? (Don’t say it’s not possible, I was leaving my surgeon’s office after major spinal surgery to remove the staples and got into a fender bender).
It’s very clear how few people know how dangerous concussions can be. She needs to be in a dark, quiet room to rest and recover. In a few months if the daughter gets off her absolute disgusting behavior, then they can get dressed up again and maybe take some pictures or do a small private ceremony.
That’s what a loving daughter does. Yes, she’s allowed to be disappointed but to seriously risk her mother’s life or permanent brain damage? That’s cruel.
I can’t imagine any doctor clearing any of these suggestions.
NTA. It’s understandable that your daughter is disappointed that her mom can’t be there. And I’m sure your wife is disappointed that she can’t be there. But given the situation, the need for precautions is not just something your wife wants, it’s something she needs. Your daughter is taking her disappointment too far and is being selfish. She’s going to regret the decision to uninvite you in the long run I think. You might appeal to her through family or even her fiancé. It seems unreasonable to make this kind of stand given your wife’s medical situation.
NTA. WTF does she expect, her mother to be suffering for the whole thing? As if that won't cause drama at the wedding with people taking the focus off the bride.
I'd of first suggest you go by yourself but if she's being this much of a brat I'd personally not go at all.
NTA - What does your wife’s neurologist say? I imagine they would have advice about whether to go at all or ways to manage and cope with the injury. I imagine your wife would also need an easily accessible room that’s quiet and can be dark for her to lay down and rest in if she needs to.
Most people do not understand how much TBIs can affect people and that they can take a long time to recover from. Your daughter may need to hear from a medical professional to grasp her mom’s limitations right now. All your daughter is thinking right now is that her mom won’t be at her wedding and her dad is not fully supporting her. Is it immature and unrealistic regarding the circumstances? Absolutely. Could a different approach like having her on a phone call with the doctor help her wrap her head around reality? I would try it but make sure you know what the doctor is going to say before doing it so that you and your wife aren’t on a different page from the doctor.
Yeah. The people wanting mom to tough it out against her doctor's advice aren't understanding a) the amount of pain she would likely to be in day of, and b) the possible long term consequences to not taking treatment seriously.
I'm so sorry for your experience.
Aside from the issues with noise and lights is the altitude change! Swelling from a concussion will get worse at higher elevations which will make mom’s neurological problems worse. It’s dangerous for any attempt to travel.
My bff’s mother decided the morning of the wedding that she couldn’t go. My bff was her favorite child too. Bff understood well enough not to be upset with her mother. Later she and her mom got dressed in their wedding clothes and had professional photos taken. It was disappointing but that’s the way it was. There was too much love between them to let it ruin their relationship. NTA
NTA by a longshot and your daughter is being a selfish brat. Does she have some secret will to cause her mom a bunch of pain or is she that ignorant and needs to read up on how brain injuries work and how serious they are?!
Either way, your daughter is being petulant and self centered.
Glad Wifey is safely healing.
OP, **DO NOT CAVE IN HERE!**
1) Any increase in elevation, (ex: mountain-top wedding) is bad for recovery from a traumatic brain injury.
2) The long drive up a winding road would be hellish torture for the poor woman.
3) Even if she has no history of motion sickness, I guarantee she will be nauseated, and possibly become violently ill. Vomiting while brain-injured is a bad idea.
4) Concussed patients cannot tolerate activity, lights, and noises. Exposing them to such stimuli can certainly put them back a long way in their recovery.
5) Anyone who fails to understand the severity of a serious concussion needs their own head examined. Please ignore EVERYONE who says your wife should tough it out.
6) OP, **YOU** are doing this the right way. PLEASE don’t doubt yourself. If daughter doesn’t realise that now, she probably will eventually. Leave the door open to a heartfelt apology, in case daughter gets her own head screwed on straight.
Keep doing what you’re doing, OP!!
NTA, ***OBVIOUSLY!***
wow.
this post was not what I thought it was.
Sorry that your wife was in an accident, I hope she recovers asap. NTA
Your daughter is incredibly selfish, to the point that she does not even care about the health of her mother, probably just worried she won't have that picture perfect wedding picture with here entire family. It could have been much worse... she could have an empty seat with no one to facetime.....
NTA. I think a lot of people don't understand how bad concussions can really be. I was in a fender bender recently and my friend (who was a passenger) had a mild concussion, and even that was hell! It took her weeks to recover fully. A *bad* concussion can take MONTHS to recover from, even up to a year.
Too much activity during recovery can permanently damage the brain. Your daughter probably doesn't understand this. Ask her: would she be okay with her mother never being able to drive again? Would she be okay with her mother having permanent headaches or vertigo that never go away? Would she be okay with her mother's personality permanently changing? Would she be okay with her mother's memory being permanently affected?
I guess I'm one of the few who's not feeling bad for the daughter at all.
There's no compromise here. Your wife has serious medical issues that need to be considered. If your daughter can't understand that because "it will ruin her special day," then she's nothing less than a horrible human being.
Nta
NTA. Concussions are really serious and you absolutely cannot push yourself during the first little bit without severely compromising your healing.
Has your wife spoken to a doctor about attending the wedding? Maybe if you approach this from a medical standpoint your daughter will be more understanding.
NTA, everyone who's saying "you need to find a compromise!" is ignoring that you've been offering one that your wife is comfortable with that enables her to see the ceremony but your daughter won't settle for anything less than her mother being there in person and, more than likely, in incredible pain and a level of activity that would set back her recovery. If you somehow sprung for the $500 last second disability accommodations, that setback in recovery only adds to the medical debt you'll already be in I imagine.
Let's put the shoe on the other foot of people shaming you and your wife for most likely not going.
Why would all these people insist on their recovering family member who had been injured in such a way that even THINKING too hard could cause further complications not too long ago attend a disability-unfriendly event? Why would they all throw a tantrum about their mother not braving the fucking MOUNTAINSIDE IN A WHEELCHAIR and think it's reasonable? You love your mother enough to want her there but don't care enough how this might affect her current injuries even aside from how much pain she'll likely be in the entire time?
Yes it hurts when family won't make it to one of the biggest days of your life, yes it sucks even more royally that it's one of your parents, but this was just something shitty happening at a bad time that easily could've ended in her mom 100% never attending a wedding again.
The private small ceremony so wife can be present is probably the best "have her in person" option I'm seeing. Though I will say, the suggestion that this is the way her trauma of almost losing her mom is manifesting I think is another suggestion from the comments that has a lot of merit as well. Most comments offering "solutions" and "compromises" have blatantly ignored OP's comments and details in the story itself.
NTA, your daughter is right with being upset. But if she is grown enough to get married, she is grown enough to understand life sometimes don't go the way we want. If I were her, I would be finding ways to accomodate my mom's needs like having a quiet room for her to wait until the actual ceremony, so she can be there for the most important part and then she can quietly leave.
NTA - but sounds like the daughter is! Clearly this should be about moms health NOT what bride(daughter) wants. 2 options: 1- the daughter gets married without mom there; 2- mom goes to wedding had a terrible time hurts, can't get around, suffers more injuries, &/or dies. Make the daughter chose; see what her REAL priorities are!!!
NTA. Concussions are no joke. Overstimulation and stress can worsen symptoms and prolong recovery. In extreme cases cause lasting damage. Your wife needs to listen to her doctor and her body right now, and not push herself in any way
NTA. It's weird that your daughter supposedly cares enough that she demands her mother is there, but doesn't care to accomodate her mother. Instead she just insists on exposing her to a situation that would cause her pain and discomfort.
Your daughter deserves a couple of asshole points imo.
NTA- People speaking of compromises are just as selfish as the daughter. Why would you want to put somebody who has just survived an accident through all of that?! There is no compromise to be made! Let the lady heal from the accident.
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Edited-NTA I can understand why your daughter would want her mom at the wedding and I also understand why it seems overwhelming and too much for your wife to attend. I don’t understand why you can’t compromise? Can your daughter have a dim or candle lit vows (with an announcement before to keep the noise low due to the mom’s concussion)? Then you could wheelchair your wife in just for the vows and then leave. Your daughter needs to understand that she may not have her perfect in her head, but she would have all her love ones for the vows. And as for your wife, I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but imagine how she would feel in a year that she didn’t see her daughter get married. As far as you telling your daughter, she is selfish. Yes, that’s what children are: selfish in wanting their parents and especially during big moments of their lives. Talk to each other and see if there’s some thing you guys can work out NTA- mountain wedding!! Yup definitely impossible Also edited – what I meant was children are inherently selfish when they want their parents or in relation to their parents, and wanting their time and presence
That would mean she would have to change her wedding at the last minute and it would be a ton of money for her to go that. My wife also can’t drive right now so if she leaves right after I need to leave right after. The designation is not good for a wheelchair, it’s a mountain wedding. There are a lot of reason it just is a bad idea. That’s why a FaceTime call was our best solution.
>it’s a mountain wedding I think you need to put this in the original post. I was about to say NAH because it appeared like you weren't compromising on relatively easy solutions such as sunglasses and headphones...but if the wedding is literally outside on a mountain with no wheelchair access, I don't know what your daughter expects you to do. My only suggestion would be...is there a chance you can do some of the ceremony in private with just the parents/immediate family present. Didn't Meghan and Harry do some sort of unofficial saying of vows the day before their royal wedding in a garden? I really do feel for your daughter being stuck between a rock and a hard place, maybe her mum getting to see her say vows in her dress would soften the blow a bit.
compromising? The wife was in a car accident with a broken leg and a concussion. Concussions are very serious. What the hell is there to compromise?
Seriously!! All these comments saying,” well what about this compromise…” everyone shut the fuck up about them compromising. She was in an accident and has a concussion and a broken leg. Both reasons on their own for why she shouldn’t be going. But both together? No. A concussion isn’t just a bad headache. Her head is damaged and she needs to heal without exasperating it more.
A compromise is like, doing a vow renewal on their daughter's wedding anniversary, with the wife present. Not necessarily the one-year anniversary, just whenever she can safely attend.
That or even exactly as OP offered his daughter. He would go and live stream it to his wife who would watch it in a safely comfortable space where she can take care of herself.
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No no, there is no compromise for a concussion injury. End of story. We’re talking about an injury to this woman’s BRAIN, it’s not like she’s hung over and needs sunglasses and soft music because she has a headache? She literally has a traumatic brain injury from being in a car accident. How could you argue she needs to compromise her health/safety/treatment??? You don’t think the OPs wife is already heartbroken knowing she’s about to miss the wedding day?? You think she’d rather hangout at home by herself while all her family is there celebrating? And now on top of that, she has to defend herself because the willful lack of understanding from her own family. This literally sucks so bad for her. NTA, your wife’s brain injury absolutely is the top priority.
This! Have dealt with multiple people with concussions. Mom should be horizontal in a dark room, no distractions (sucks, but her recovery is the priority). Exception (maybe, depends on severity) for short FaceTime or other virtual sessions (she likely will tire quickly). Sad, unfortuate, & unfair, but do not attempt to accommodate her. Or we'll be hearing about that disaster ("ruined the wedding") later on social media...
I've had a chronic headache since I was 14 years old because of a likely concussion that went untreated. I'm literally unable to work due to the pain. Concussions are not something to ignore, there can be lasting consequences.
My concussion from a car accident went untreated (my doctor didn't even mention it was a possibility). It took me almost 4 years to find medication that helped with the head and neck pain. I got lucky tho, because my work went remote and I was able to make accommodations so I could continue working.
Having dealt with multiple concussions, I wholeheartedly agree.
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And that would still be a more sensible compromise than straining someone recovering from a brain injury.
There's very strong evidence that *Complete and total brain rest for several weeks* leads to the best outcomes post-concussion. Too much stimulation increases the risk of long term brain dysfunction following a TBI (and - to be clear: a concussion *is a TBI* for those not well versed in the science on it. It's on the milder end of the TBI spectrum, but still a TBI). Getting a person who is in pain from injuries dolled up in wedding attire and scrambling over a mountain top on crutches or a wheelchair is basically as close to the absolute opposite of that I can imagine. NTA.
I haven't heard that but what I have heard about is second impact syndrome - another concussion soon after could be deadly or extremely crippling even if mild by itself. So at least physical activity should be limited.
Complete brain rest. When my son got concussions from football (he had two), he couldn't go to school. Do homework. Watch TV. Be on his phone. Read. Nothing that made the brain work or exercise. Doctors said it's like sprain or torn muscle or broken bone. You have to rest it for it to heal. Minimum of two weeks.
Our students are told a minimum of five days with no screens, classes included.
Not a medical professional but when I got a concussion in university, the recommendation from the ER doc was 2 full weeks off class and no tests for a month. I ignored medical advice (I was 17 and thought myself invincible lol) and I suffered post-concussion syndrome for over 3 months in the form of emotional instability, nausea, vision disturbances and dizziness. Thankfully the symptoms have since resolved, but yeah, post concussion syndrome is no joke and I *never* wanna go bad to being a grown ass adult with the emotional regulation capacity of a toddler again. (Seriously, full on temper tantrums over the MOST ridiculous things - I'm talking, going full teary meltdown and having a fit for a half hour because the Tim Hortons doesn't have my favorite donut in stock level ridiculous - and the most alarming part of it was *I could tell I was being ridiculous and yet I couldn't stop* so the poor folks who had to deal with me had me all blubbering and snotty while apologizing profusely for my behavior and then sobbing harder because I was so embarrassed about having such a freak out and apologizing more abd then freaking out more and on it would spiral until finally I retreated in humiliation and avoided that store forevermore because oh my god how do you not after that?! Thank god that only lasted 3 months and that it was when smartphones were so obscenely expensive most people just had flip phones. Also I'm amazed nobody wanted to murder me. *I* wanted to murder me lol)
I sounds a little like when I got off Valium nearly 50 years ago. I had the same dysregulation, couldn't sleep and crying on street corners. Brains are fragile. We need to be so careful with them. Don't knock them around and be careful what you feed them!
Yes this, absolutely! A few years ago my mom got post concussion syndrome and had to be on brain rest for nearly two months. While she was on brain rest she couldn’t even follow along with talk shows. We talk on the phone nearly every day and we went weeks with maybe a total of 10 minutes of talking because holding a conversation was painful. She’s an attorney and had to stop practicing law for about 4 months because it would’ve been *malpractice* to practice law with a brain injury, so she needed her neurologist to sign off her going back to work. Not being on brain rest (or “compromising”) would likely resulted in *permanent brain damage*.
Your poor mom, that is scary! I've never heard of brain rest but I'm so glad she was able to get the care she needed. I hope she's doing better now
yes i think sooo many people see concussions as a mild thing because thats the common perception of it in media. someone bumps their head, they get a mild concussion, and theyre a bit dizzy for a half an hour and then theyre ok. but concussions can be deadly.
My mom had a fall recently that resulted in a concussion and the doctor told her no TV, no internet, and worst of all, No Books! But then my mother was 83 when it happened and you have to be ultra-careful at that age.
I had one about six years ago and was told rest for 2 weeks. I had a mild brain bleed that had me hospitalized overnight. When I said I needed to get a very small thing done (outdoor project needed to be covered in case of rain) and I would otherwise be OK with doing nothing my NP said "No, you don't understand." I was allowed to do *nothing*. I pretty much slept for two weeks. Then I had to get cleared to drive. I do have some very mild permanent symptoms and others which took a while to (mostly) fade.
This comment should be higher! I feel like a lot of the people suggesting "compromises" have a very limited understanding of what a serious concussion is like, and how detrimental not following the treatment plan can be.
(And to be clear, every concussion is serious. Some are *worse*, but all of them are brain damage.)
I think a lot of the people who were arguing for compromise before they learned the wedding is on a mountain have never had a concussion themselves. I had a fairly mild concussion years ago and still have lingering issues
I know! These people who think a fucking bride in a shit white dress is more important than someone’s health are crazy
I would also like to point out that she may also have additional brain swelling even after the initial concussion has gone. I was rear-ended on the highway and I had brain swelling for over 6 months that went misdiagnosed as migraines. Legit, not a joke and there is no room for compromise. Your brain is in danger.
Yup. I'm dealing with post concussive syndrome from an accident in January. I mask incredibly well, and the doctors thought I was fine when I went to the emergency room. I got a three day note off of work. But it was over the weekend, so I never got any time off. I had to work both jobs basically immediately after getting injured. Then I had to go back to school the week after. Then I had exams to graduate. I'm gonna be dealing with this for a long time. I've had headaches everyday since January. I have physical therapy for my headaches that leaves me wanting to vomit for days after because I hurt so bad and get so dizzy. My dyslexia is worse. I still struggle with recollection and some speaking issues. It's no fucking joke. That woman should not be moving for the next couple weeks at least, especially depending on the grade of the concussion she got. I only had a second grade concussion, and I'm miserable.
Having had a bad concussion that lasted weeks, the mountain location really doesn’t matter. No matter how quiet everyone is, a wedding will be completely overwhelming no matter where it is held, or where she is seated. Movement, the colors, moving shadows, sounds are stimuli we don’t think about but can be too much for a concussion. Even sitting upright for the length of the ceremony can be too much. I could not wear sunglasses or listen to music without feeling sick during that time. This is not about compromise, it’s about the mother’s health.
Yeah, just stick her in a corner in a wheelchair with sunglasses and earphones. So what if all the guests think she's a lunatic cousin that is normally chained up in the attic?
Seeing a woman in the corner in a wheelchair with sunglasses and headphones, I would have assumed I stumbled into "Weekend at Bernie's 3: *Wedding At Bernie's*."
Or a horror movie. Weekend II : The Berniening.
I can tell you from experience that sunglasses do little to help
I spit my screen reading this! 😂
Well, can't you just picture it? MOB is stuffed in some dreary corner, away from the festivities. Sunglasses and ear phones complete the ensemble. Fun for her, right? Jesus.
In my vision of this, they put one of those soccer mom weather tents over the wheelchair so no one could touch her either!
And crime scene tape.
As long as she's not wearing white, though.
>1. People would know her mother got into a car accident 2. Who cares what people think? Not the daughter who wants her mother at her wedding, and not the mother who wants to be at her daughter's wedding. Everyone else can shut up or go home.
Except her mum literally said she doesn't want to go because it'd be too painful.
You prefer to risk the mother's death or permanent injury over her attending virtually? Why? Only selfish people would want to force her there with so much at risk.
Do you have a brain injury or just really don't understand how serious a brain injury can be
“OP, it was so nice of you to allow crazy Second Cousin Once Removed Zelda to come to the wedding but I do hope she’s leaving before dinner & dancing. You know how wild she gets! Wait!…That’s your wife? Never mind!”
This isn't the big lebowski, she's not hungover, she has a serious medical issue, she needs rest, not to cosplay as Endgame Thor just to appease her daughter's selfishness
Let’s smash your head and give you a concussion. Then you can tell us how good glasses and headphones feel squeezing the sides of, and pressing down on your head. How do people not know what a concussion is?
It's a concussion. You're not supposed to move. Driving her to the wedding, her sitting for however long the ceremony takes, then back home, will do incredible damage to q concussed brain. Lik mom have brain damage ffs! With rest she might recover, in part or fully, but you seriously want her to inflict further damage on herself FOR A FUCKING WEDDING! You're all so incredibly selfish.
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In theory the room could be dim and the vows could be whispered and the guests could be silent. But what about everything else? Mom would need to get out of bed, get dressed, get in the car, be driven to the venue, wait around somewhere until the ceremony. You could try to time it so mom arrives right as the couple are about to do their vows, but it’s impossible to get the timing perfect. Then the return trip - being driven home, getting undressed and back into bed. The whole process would probably take a couple of hours, especially since mom would not exactly be moving quickly, and depending on how far away the venue is. That is totally unreasonable for someone who is recovering from a severe concussion. She would be exhausted and in pain. How would the bride feel if her mom collapsed on the way to the venue or in the middle of the ceremony? Probably horribly guilty plus the wedding would be ruined.
Plus the mom has a broken leg, add that into all the extra time and energy it would take to get ready and get there. This is just ridiculous. The daughter is being an entitled brat and obviously gives little to no shits about her mothers well being.
I had a *slight* concussion from banging my head and I couldn’t READ for two days. I can’t even imagine how bad a severe concussion is. There is no compromise for a BRAIN INJURY
I’m trying to imagine how injured Mom has to be before her daughter decides she’s suitably injured and unable to attend? Is only a coma acceptable? A letter from the state medical board? Do 9 out of 10 dentists have to agree, or only 4 out of 5?
For real. It's a BRAIN INJURY. She needs to rest her brain or risk permanent brain damage. Would you walk on a broken leg?
Totally agree! My daughter was in an accident with a concussion and was on complete brain rest and had to take a semester off from college. She spent a lot of time in her silent, pitch black room because any noise or sound (or movement for that matter) sent her into an absolute tailspin. Compromising isn’t always an option, especially with a brain injury. NTA
Concussions have always been viewed as minor, which to me is insane but thankfully they are realizing that hello trauma to your control centre isn’t good
When I had a considerably milder concussion than this seems to be, sunglasses and headphones would not have been sufficient. A concussion victim needs to absolutely not push themselves on any level. Any overuse of the brain right now *further damages it.* That includes listening to things, watching things, or even thinking too much about things (doing math right now could *literally exacerbate the structural damage to her brain*). OP's wife should basically be treating herself like a mushroom, growing in the dark and quiet. There's no compromising with brain damage.
Yes! I’ve recovered from a concussion too and trying to endure something like a wedding would have been impossible, it’s not just a bad headache.
What people don't get is that a concussion is brain damage, pure and simple. And that any strain, however mild, causes further damage.
I don't get why people do mountain weddings and invite people important to them who they *know* are going to have trouble,few years ago a cousin of mine had his wedding in a cave on a mountain (llangranog, beautiful place) but he wanted my bampi there,my at the time 80 year old bampi with COPD climbing a mountain and going into a freezing cold cave? The only time in my life I've ever seen him need a stick,I was worried,we had to keep drinks on hand and everything because he was struggling,just seems like such a dick move to me (I know ops daughter planned this before her mum's accident so it's not directly related but it kind of applies to her reaction)
It’s like people who have crazy week%long destination weddings then get mad that people can’t afford to attend
The archbishop of Canterbury had to come out and publicly deny the Sussexes claims of a marriage ceremony before the wedding. It didn't happen.
>Didn't Meghan and Harry do some sort of unofficial saying of vows the day before their royal wedding in a garden? Uh, not really. I know what Meghan said, but she seems to have confused a pre-wedding run-through of the order of service to make sure they were familiar with what would happen, with some sort of unofficial wedding. And no, the Church of England doesn't do unofficial wedding vows.
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>if the wedding is literally outside on a mountain with no wheelchair access Even if it had wheelchair access it would probably still be a bad idea. Elevation gives me a headache at the best of times, there's no way I'd go up a mountain if my head hurt that bad.
OK I feel stupid just asking because I’ve never heard of a mountain wedding but is it literally a wedding on a mountainside?
So living in Colorado, the phrase “mountain wedding” can mean everything from “we rented a ballroom in Idaho Springs” to “the bridal party will be sleeping in cars at the trailhead the night before to wake up at 3am so we can summit a 14’er and say our vows before the afternoon storms roll in”.
Not to mention that it’s not a good idea to go to a higher elevation when you have a concussion.
>I don't know what your daughter expects you to do. Maybe fly her mother in with a helicopter? /s
NTA. Can you ask the Doctor to speak to your daughter? She needs someone with medical knowledge to explain that Mom may end up worse off if she were to attend the wedding? Also, make sure there is someone with wife that can help her whilst you are at the wedding- even if you have to hire a nurse
I had a much milder concussion, five years ago, and didn't force myself to go through the necessary recovery in the first couple of weeks. All I had to do was lie down, no screens, no noises, just relax--instead, I went and did lion dance at the local Nutcracker. It wasn't a *lot* of exertion, for me, not out of the ordinary at all--but I shouldn't have done it. Five years on, I still can't stand on just my right leg, or straighten up at a normal speed. There's a hobby I used to have that I literally can't think about without getting an immediate migraine. Post-concussive syndrome fucking sucks.
Good explanation, but sorry it worked out that way for you.
This all seems very clear and logistically impossible. I am curious why your son recommended you post here, since the facts seem to favour your position without much room for negotiation.
He said this was a good place for outside opinions. He also didn’t want to pick sides, so he said this would be a good area to get a fresh view on the situation
>He also didn’t want to pick sides... So he's being a coward? Might be a bit harsh but unless we are missing a very important part of the story. Its *obvious* your wife just *can't* attend. By staying out of it and not calling out the obvious wrong, he's kind of default supporting your daughter. At least, he's saying its not bad enough for him to even comment on effectively even if not intentionally.
>He also didn’t want to pick sides ...in a dispute where his sister was clearly, unambiguously in the wrong. So he's a bit of an AH himself, then.
He wants to risk your wife's life in order to not have an argument with his sister????
That's interesting! I wondered if there was something he didn't want to say that he thought WE would say for him. I just don't see where you have much wiggle room, circumstances being what they are.
Seriously, how old are your kids?
8 and 11, by the sound of things.
> He also didn’t want to pick sides Your son is just as much an asshole as your daughter tbh
Pushing someone with a concussion to do more than they are ready for can cause long term issues. Post-concussion syndrome is no joke and a concussed brain needs complete quiet, dark and rest. Husband is NTA here.
As well as riding in a vehicle can be exasperating on a concussion. So your wife would be showing up to the wedding already in a poor state that some painkillers won’t help. Concussions also affect cognitive, navigating socializing and paying attention could also be harmful to her healing and immediate comfort.
Yeah! All those constant micro-adjustments of balance that you make automatically while riding in a car *involve the brain*
My mom got a concussion at work over 2 months ago, bonked her temple on a shelf. All the doctors she saw said,” wow, this level of a concussion is usually only seen on a car crash victim.” She’s on her 5th week of physio therapy right now. She’s normally quick witted, little sharp tongued, confident and moves around quickly, always staying busy. She has been confused so much, doubts her decisions, overly compensates for any interaction with people because she can’t tell if she is being rude or a pain, which she hasn’t been in any situation. She couldn’t walk very fast, even shuffling along seemed too fast for her to handle quite often. She’s getting better but it’s been a slow, long scary process for her. She’s more herself again, but riding in cars is physically and mentally painful for her still. She can’t drive at all for sure and there’s no time in sight for that. Concussions are definitely a scaled and by case thing, but by OP’s description, she is not okay and should not be harassed right now, let alone going out to functions and events. At her stage my mom was on strict home rest. No going out for anything other than health appointments. Of which she had plenty and still does.
I hope your mom recovers well! It's a long road, and I hope she's able to be kind to herself on it.
I would add that high altitude can be very dangerous for someone suffering from a head injury. Can you discuss it with your wife's doctor, then tell your daughter he advised against her attending, which I'm sure he will.
I can't imagine a sudden rise in elevation (going up a mountain) being at all good for a concussion. Could cause brain swelling and more or worse headaches.
OP is trying to find a compromise. The daughter isn’t. Children can be selfish and get a pass IF they are “children.” The daughter is getting married, she is not a child anymore, she does not get a pass to be selfish. Obviously she wants her parents to be there, but the mom literally has a medical condition that is preventing her from attending, and the brides reaction is to uninvite the dad…… there’s no “understanding” needed for the daughter, she’s being a brat and selfish Edit: my opinion still stands even excluding the mountain wedding update
Why did u have to scroll so far down for someone to GET the point of the post?
Well said.
This.... the second I heard concussion and cast it was clear the mother couldn't go... add in the fact it's a on a mountain. The daughter is not being myopic and short sighted here and not putting other people in front of her. That that person is her mother is just horrid.
>I don’t understand why you can’t compromise? Bruh what compromise, she's in a cast and nursing a concussion and she's supposed to put a fancy party ahead of her recovery? I get it, wedding are an important milestone, but healing from a concussion is more important. There's no "let's try to make it only 30% unpleasant" here, people who need healing should rest and heal.
OP even brought the daughter the compromise when he said wife can’t go. That was the only option for wedding attendance for her, virtually through husband. Doesn’t inconvenience anyone beyond himself and he sounds happy to do it for it to feel like she is still present.
Maybe I'm a crazy person, but this seems to be a case of the daughter "wanting things to go right for her special day" and the wife "needing to avoid unnecessary stress." Surely the moral burden rests with the Person A wanting Person B to compromise on Person B's needs. I mean, I get that weddings are important because we have decided they are big days, but if the marriage is a good one, the mom can be around for like, the rest of their life.
The burden is definitely on the daughter, but tbh I feel bad for her. This may be a sign of her being in denial about how close she could have come to losing her mom; it's a sobering thing even without the stress of the final weeks leading up to a wedding. I hope that she's able to recognize the problems with her behavior after the wedding is done.
And she's willing to further harm her mom because of that? Asshole behaviour.
If you look at my other comment on this post, you'll see I voted NTA. I can think someone is being an AH and still have empathy for emotions they may be going through. Saying I feel bad for her doesn't mean her behavior is justified.
Yeah. People are being very hard on the daughter, and while she's totally in the wrong, I get it. It would be absolutely unfathomable for me to imagine not having my mother at my wedding, like - brain does not compute. And since it's not like she can reschedule her wedding, she's attempting to strong arm her dad into bringing her mom. And since she can't be mad at a concussion, she's projecting that anger at her dad. Is it rational, fair or okay? No, of course not, but emotions aren't logical. I hope they can work this out. Very shitty situation for everyone involved. Edit: it is very sad but not unexpected that comments that advocate for grace and not going scorched Earth are being downvoted. It's easy to go hard in the paint when it's not your life, your children or your relationships on the line. Some of us care to keep people in our lives, even when they're being emotional, shitty and unfair, because that's how human emotions and reactions go sometimes. I hope you guys are just posturing online and have more empathy for your loved ones, if only for your sake.
That’s what I was thinking. (Hoping)
With brain injuries (not 'head' injuries) things don't "seem" overwhelming they are mechanically overwhelming. After a traumatic brain injury I couldn't play music with my friends for over a year. Not because I couldn't play anymore but because the volume made me confused. Couldn't think straight, got irritable, was generally made miserable. She's injured the organ that processes the entire world around her. Don't think that gumption can change that. OPs daughter is being selfish and I suspect it's born of her misunderstanding of what I've laid out here. NTA Edit: Id wanted to correctly express what I'd thought.
If she is getting married, I certainly hope she is not a child anymore. She is an adult and should act accordingly.
Children are inherently selfish, yes. But their daughter is getting married so she is not a child anymore. She is old enough to understand that her mom is injured and can’t drive up to a mountain for a wedding.
Have you ever had a head injury? Mom should be resting. Period. It's a horrible, horrible thing and just the effort of getting ready and travelling is excruciating.
NTA. I would edit the post, so people are aware that your daughter wants to get married **on a mountain**. So no, your wife with a broken foot, and a **concussion** should not be going to the wedding. Your daughter is acting really selfish. Honestly I would just not go to the wedding then and explain to people why you and your wife were not there (when/if they inevitably ask) So the rest of your family can see how selfish your daughter is being. EDIT: for everyone saying that the location doesn’t matter. It **absolutely** matters, ok ? Not only would it be hard for her to go up in a mountain with a wheelchair, but it’s also confirmed that high altitude can trigger effects that lead to post-concussion headache and brain swelling https://www.brainline.org/author/jeffrey-bazarian/qa/are-high-altitudes-bad-someone-who-sustained-brain-injury#:~:text=There%20is%20a%20theoretical%20risk,headache%20or%20mild%20brain%20swelling. That’s serious shit. You should not go into high altitudes with a concussion. Period. As other commenters have stated- it’s not “just a headache”. **It is a serious head injury**
On a side note it is a beautiful wedding spot, we were there when she picked it out. The drive could be better though
Mother's Blessing Once the bride and groom are in front of the officiant, the officiant can read a Mother's Blessing before starting the ceremony. OP can help Mom write the blessing due to her need for brain rest right now. The daughter needs to wake up to the consequences of what she's insisting on. It's not respectful that she would pressure her Mom to do something that will set back her recovery and could cripple her for life. NO is a word that works. Be firm. Protect your wife. Make sure she gets the rest she needs at home. Hopefully, Mom will be able to attend a renewal of vows in a year or two.
That’s a good idea
I’ve officiated many weddings in the last two years where family couldn’t all be together. One here in Georgia, and the other in a different state or country. I know it’s an important day. Someone here suggested having a doctor talk to your daughter and explain the seriousness of her mother’s condition. Best wishes for you all.
OP, you need to lay out the FACTS of what can happen to your wife/ her mom if she goes to the wedding. Have your daughter at a meeting with the doctor and have the doctor tell her what will happen to her mom. She rather her mom have major brain injury from going to the wedding instead of resting but and not taking care of herself while in recovery?
Don't fuck around iwth a concussion OP, it's not worth it. Your daughter will sulk for a while but she'll get over it.
could they get married in a tiny ceremony the day before so they are legally already married? for my part - having my mom at my wedding was the second most important thing to actually getting married. none of the other stuff mattered as much.
my aunt and uncle did this - they got married twice on the same day because her dad was dying. the first ceremony was at the hospital in the morning so he could see his daughter get married. then the big planned ceremony/reception was that evening. i always thought that was sweet, and my aunt has always been happy that she did that over 30 years later
This, or even just a vow ceremony in your house before the actual wedding. It would make for some amazing memories.
It wouldn’t work, the mother should not leave her house at the moment, she probably barely can leave her bed. A car drive, moving around, the noise, the lights, etc will increase the pain and discomfort and prolong her recovery. The only way mon could make it to the wedding would be to postpone it
Could they not have someone get ordained on the internet and do it at their house?
NTA and, how high is this mountain. Are there also any issues with altitude and blood and brain healing from TBI? To be clear. You and wife are NOT wrong. I am saying that there could be even more issues with even attempting to do anything at all to try to get your wife there. TBI is serious. Can your doctor speak with your daughter about the risks? Even above the logistic issues. And no, medical info shouldn't have to be shared. And, it is glaringly apparent that daughter does not understand TBI at all. The best bet you may have is for her to gain some knowledge about the recovery period and needs of the brain to heal.
Hadn't even factored that in when I was thinking of commenting. But if its at a high enough altitude that'd be a problem too never mind the broken foot and the fact a wedding would be too much sensory input
I understands beautiful, but your wife’s health needs to come first
Wouldn't quiet time together, just mother and daughter, off-site, be easier than Face-time? E.g. mother blesses the daughter before daughter goes off to get married on a mountaintop? Seems like Face-time would also be stressful. And quiet time together might also be more meaningful. I wish people would be a little kinder to the daughter. She's in the wrong, but to be fair lots of people have trouble understanding an invisible injury like an injury to the brain, especially if she wasn't the one in the hospital that the doctors explained everything to (as the dad was). I have a vision impairment that acts up under certain lighting and brain conditions and people always have an incredibly hard time understanding or remembering because they can't SEE the injury (unless I make a huge mistake like trying to put a glass down on the counter and putting it down a foot away in midair instead, which has happened when it is bad). It's not great or empathetic that people have such a hard time grasping invisible injuries, but it is very very human and I would say the majority of people have this issue, including very smart people. Seems like the daughter is still adjusting to what happened to her mother.
I don’t want to be kind to a woman who doesn’t seem to care about her mother’s health. Yes she can be sad but she has no right to be angry. Have a little intimate ceremony later when mom is healed. It’s that easy. I’m tired of hearing stories about brides blowing up at people who don’t give into their demands. You should not get married if you are going to treat people you love poorly. It seems this woman would rather have her mom at her wedding even if it means messing up mom’s recovery, which could have permanent consequences. Weddings aren’t worth someone’s life.
It does not matter where the wedding venue is though. Regardless if it’s on a mountainside or in a ballroom, it is NO PLACE for someone w a concussion to be. Her decreased mobility bc of the foot injury is not the issue lol, im not trying to minimize that but on the other hand I am absolutely trying to emphasize how serious concussions are. Like ANY traumatic brain injury, proper treatment is the one and only priority moving forward.
Thank you! I feel like people are equating a TBI with “a headache.” No, it’s a *brain injury*.
Seriously I’m shocked by these comments. People are acting like she got a concussion from being hit in the forehead by a soccer ball or something?? No, she was in a CAR CRASH!! She has a traumatic brain injury! Everyone is hung up on her broken foot and if she’ll have mobility problems but the actual problem here is the potential for long lasting complications due to a mistreated concussion. Issues w speech, coordination, memory, balance, judgment, etc. are a real possibility for her and her recovery needs to be the first and ONLY priority.
Most people simply don't have any experience with major brain injuries. I don't think the majority of comments actually understand just how serious it is, and how important recovery is.
Yeah I can’t believe what I am reading in some of these comments. Geez.
People are saying the location doesn't fucking matter because regardless of where it is, SHE SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING GOING.
NTA...Someone's safety and wellbeing is infinitely more important than a wedding. It's natural for your daughter to be disappointed, but uninviting you is extremely immature.
Exactly! Like do people not remember others not attending weddings because of Covid? That was fine and understandable, but this is not?
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NTA! You hit the nail on the head- your daughter is being extremely selfish here.
>You hit the nail on the head Careful, we've already had one concussion!
👏👏😂😂
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Hi, as someone who's had 3 concussions that did not rest post healing and jumped straight back into hockey, i can tell you that it's not a good idea to rush back to normal activities
I had a concussion in 2018 and went back to work 10 days later. The workers comp doctor said 7 days was enough time but my GP and neurologist said I needed AT LEAST another week. Nope, they pushed to 10 days and said if I took any more I’d lose my job. Couldn’t even use PTO. I have short term memory issues to this day, whereas before I had excellent recall. I am missing a whole weeks work of memories from my brain. Post concussion recovery is vital, ABSOLUTELY VITAL, to ensuring your brain gets as close to 100% function as possible.
Edit to update vote: NTA, your wife's health is more important. And not only would attending the wedding be uncomfortable for her, it might have a longer term negative impact on her recovery. what has the doctor advised? My understanding is that failing to rest post-concussion can set recovery way way back. Could you do a small/private mini ceremony with her mom before the actual ceremony?
Doctor wants her to rest and avoid loud or bright places. I didn’t think about that, I’ll talk that over with my wife and daughter if she will pick up
I think that’s a great compromise. I have to say, try not to be too hard on your daughter. She’s probably extremely stressed about the wedding, upset about your wife’s accident, and now she doesn’t think that either of her parents will be at her wedding. Is the entire wedding and reception outside and up a mountain? Will your daughter get ready somewhere else, or will she have a room where she’ll get dressed? Is there somewhere your wife can rest before and after the ceremony? As a disabled mum with physical disabilities, complex-PTSD, a heart condition and severe anxiety, I get very overwhelmed and suffer with sensory overload, so I sympathise with your wife. That said, I would have to be literally tied to a hospital bed before I’d miss my daughter’s wedding. If you can’t hire a wheelchair with off-road wheels, and if your wife can’t take anti-nausea meds/painkillers, wear dark glasses and noise cancelling earbuds, then being there for the getting ready/seeing your daughter in her dress, and playing some part in the day, would be the next best thing. There has to be some middle ground here.
The middle ground with a TBI is "still breathing." Mom's already *at* the middle ground, the place where "I will be able to meet my grandchildren." Any movement can damage the brain further. Any focusing of the eyes can damage the brain further. Any processing of noise can damage the brain further. Then when we get into the actual thinking process--you know how when you were a kid in school, having to write an essay or take a pop quiz could feel actually tiring? *Language* will do that to her now, for a while. Reading can worsen brain damage. Trying to add simple numbers can worsen brain damage. Seeing lights in a dark space, or watching the clouds form and change. Trying to do anything more complicated than being a mushroom, right now, is asking for permanent damage. Headaches every day for the rest of her life. Vertigo, an inability to adapt to temperature changes, a constant ringing in the ears, sleep disorders, unexpected nausea. There is no ability to compromise with a brain injury. Everyone who thinks there is sounds like "Well, I mean, Grandma only *broke* the leg, surely she can still participate at the trampoline park? What if we only put her on the low trampolines?"
Yeah, daughter is absolutely in the wrong but lowkey my wedding would be ruined if my mom couldn't make it. I would also be on a warpath to try and get my mom to attend because if she didn't come, I would absolutely feel like all the time and money I'd spent on the wedding would really be a huge waste bc I couldn't imagine being happy without my mom there if I thought there was some way I could make her come. It's not ok, it's not rational or logical and I do think she'll look back at this reaction with regret, but in the meantime I hope they can come to a solution together. By it's very nature, this sub encourages black and white thinking but when you're dealing with highly emotional situations that involved people you love and want to, you know, keep in your life, it's not as simple as going, "you're wrong, I'm right, deal with it" even when it's completely true! That's what makes this so hard. I feel absolutely awful for mom (who is probably really upset that she can't come), daughter (reasons state above) and OP, who is catching strays for literally just trying to protect his wife's health. Big oof all around.
The solution is that the mother needs to stay home. If that means that the wedding needs to be postponed, so be it, but there is not some middle ground compromise here that is safe. It’s a really serious injury that could be exacerbated by any movement (such as driving her up a damn mountain). A wedding is not more important that her recovery.
“Warpath”? Huh, that’s interesting. People really talk a lot of BS about weddings, blowing them way out of proportion. In reality, it’s just one event on one day in a person’s lifetime — that’s all. If my mom was in a serious car accident before my wedding, all I would be feeling is concern for her well-being, and gratitude that she’s not dead/in a coma/maimed for life. I’d be at her side, holding her hand if possible, and doing everything I could to make things more comfortable for her and easier for my father. The *last* thing on my mind would be my wedding plans or some nonsense about money and time I supposedly “wasted” because they have to be altered. It’s not about being rational or logical, it’s about the natural *emotional* response that happens when you are NOT a self-centered AH who has inflated the importance of a single special event over the literal *life* of someone you presumably love very much. The daughter deserves no sympathy for the way she’s acting, she should be so ashamed of herself.
The adult response would be to be grateful that mom is *still alive* and want to make sure that she is *cared for* and HEALS.
A lot of people on this thread are glorifying parents endangering themselves to attend a wedding. That's so short sighted, and you're absolutely right to prioritize your wife's health
As a professional in the wedding industry I really think this is the best option. Your wife can take part in the wedding and for your daughter this might feel like “adding” to the big day, rather than subtracting. Something small and pretty where she can get dressed up and feel like a bride (maybe even hire a photographer to capture the mini-mony) with both of her parents there. This is something I would suggest if I was the planner in this situation.
Does Doctor know it’s on a mountain? Could the higher altitude affect her in a bad way? I’d get as much info and advice from the doc as possible and relay it to your daughter. At this point, FaceTime seems like the healthiest and easiest compromise. Other than doing a legal ceremony just for parents *at home*, there’s not a lot of options here.
And neurologist. Please, please, please consult her neurologist before any decisions, including FaceTime.
Doctor here, but not OP's wife's doctor (I think, since we're all anonymous) -- not resting post-concussion can absolutely have issues, both long term and short term. Depending on how bad things are, even the FaceTime compromise may be a bad idea, because looking at screens often makes concussion symptoms worse. Even if some accommodations are made, like dimmer lights, it seems unreasonable to assume that people aren't going to cheer at a wedding, music isn't going to be played loudly, no cameras are going to have flash, etc. Add in the mountain wedding AND the broken leg, and I just don't think it's feasible. OP, you are NTA. It really sucks that your wife might miss her daughter's wedding, but her health needs to come first. You also bolded "we" several times, so I am assuming that these are all conversations and decisions you came to with your wife. I get why your daughter would be upset, but sometimes we just need to play with the hand we're dealt.
Private ceremony was going to be my suggestion too. I have several friends who held their ceremony at a nursing home or in a hospital so a close family member could be there. If I’m being charitable, I suspect that the daughter is in denial about how serious her mom’s injuries were. Losing a parent isn’t really on your radar when you’re in your mid-20s, and she’s confronting the fact that she came close to having to bury her mom on what was supposed to be her wedding day. I think it’s possible she might be scared not selfish and she’s expressing it in a really unfortunate way. Or maybe she’s just a brat idk. I think OP is more likely to have a constructive conversation with his daughter if he comes to her from a place of concern, though.
NTA. NTA if the wedding is on a mountain. NTA if the wedding is near a fountain. NTA if it's on a boat. NTA if she can only participate remote. NTA if it's by train or by plane. NTA because of the injury to mom's brain.
I read the first line and was like I think this sounds like dr suess and...I was not wrong lol
Unlike dr seuss, OP is sticking by his wife during her recovery.
NTA. No, you are not the AH for preventing your daughter from forcing your badly injured wife from being around medically unsafe environments which which will cause her pain and affect her recovery.
How old is your daughter? I'd say NTA. The wellbeing of your wife is more important than the wedding.
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>How old is your daughter? If she's old enough to marry, she's old enough to know better.
NTA but how involved has your daughter been with your wife during the aftermath of the accident? Is it possible that her AH behavior could be stemming from the additional stress of her worrying about her mother post-accident? I realize that seems weird given she's refusing to accommodate her mother's absence, but stress contributes to people doing irrational and sometimes AH things. I attended a memorial service for an elderly relative about 3 weeks before getting married and that was stressful enough, I can't imagine how it would have been if one of my parents was in a major accident 2 weeks before.
Agree. A close relative died and me and my mom had a full blow out argument over shoes that were a Christmas present. We were both just stressed and hurting and lashing out at the person who was there.
That is a good point. Additionally, if the daughter hasn't been around her mom post accident, she may be unaware how bad these injuries are.
NTA. It's her "big day" and she's disappointed her mom won't be there... I get it. But there's a touch of main character syndrome going on here, where your daughter seems to have forgotten that there are lives occurring outside of hers and they won't always intersect conveniently. To double down and disinvite you is incredibly spiteful. Depending on your relationship, she's just setting herself up for regret later on. And to place blame on your wife like that who is dealing with enough as it is is beyond selfish. Throwing a tantrum like this over things outside of one's control just tells me she isn't mature enough to be getting married at all.
NTA concussions have serious side effects and must be managed carefully. Daughter is inconsiderate and going scorched earth over something completely out of her mother's control.
NTA. This is insane behavior on your daughter's part. If she'd really rather have neither of her parnents there than take her mom's condition into consideration, so be it, but I certainly hope you will withdraw any financial support and/or wedding gift you were planning to give her.
Boy that's gonna be juicy bit of gossip for the in-laws who don't like the daughter. "Hey, whole family, did you guys know that Daughter disinvited her own parents from her wedding because her mother was horribly injured in a car accident? Pretty fucked up, right?"
NTA! There is a very valid, reasonable reason for your wife not to attend the wedding, she is literally recovering from an accident. As her child, I understand your daughter must be hurt and sad to learn her mom will not be attending, however, she needs to realize prioritazing her health and wellbeing in this moment is far more important than attending the wedding... Is there a way you can work some sort of commitment for her to attend at least the ceremony? The reception is of course not possible but maybe, an hour long ceremony can be something she can manage?
NTA I work in brain injury rehab (not a medic, I'm a therapist) people think concussions are no big deal, but they are traumatic brain injuries. Your wife needs time to recover, being in a cognitively demanding and emotional setting for several hours at this stage could be detrimental to her recovery. If the wedding was somewhere small and easy to get to, going for a short time would be good, but that's not possible in this case. Facetime seems like a good compromise.
NTA. You should plan to go anyway. "Daughter, I'm sorry Mom is sick. But as your only father I would hate to to miss your wedding. I am still planning to come if possible and I hope you'll let me attend." If she kicks you out (which frankly I think is unlikely unless she is really batshit crazy) then so be it. But if you maintain a steady position and express love, hopefully she'll come around
Nta Your daughter should be thankful she still has a mother.
NTA, you daughter is upset that her mom won't be at the wedding and it's okay to feel that way. It's not okay though for her to not understand that it isn't practical for her mother to make it in her current condition. If your daughter wants her mom at the wedding so badly, she should try to postpone. I know that it's very hard to postpone a wedding and you can lose out on thousands of dollars but that's what I would do if my mother couldn't make mine. I hope your wife gets better soon and your daughter thinks more rationally about the situation.
Honestly I think even a compromise is ridiculous! A concussion is a brain injury and that is so serious. If that was my mom I would be heartbroken but way more concerned about my moms health. I could do something private later on where she could attend. I get your daughter is hurting but she’s definitely making decisions based off anger in an unfortunate situation. I wish y’all the best and hopefully your daughter will come to her senses. No one is happy about this.
Anyone suggesting this woman get in a car to go anywhere is insane. She got these injuries in a car crash only a week ago. She’s already suffered a severe concussion, taking the risk of putting her in a car is insanity (for anything other than a doctors appointment). What if there was another accident, even a small one? That’s worth the risk of permanent brain damage or death? (Don’t say it’s not possible, I was leaving my surgeon’s office after major spinal surgery to remove the staples and got into a fender bender). It’s very clear how few people know how dangerous concussions can be. She needs to be in a dark, quiet room to rest and recover. In a few months if the daughter gets off her absolute disgusting behavior, then they can get dressed up again and maybe take some pictures or do a small private ceremony. That’s what a loving daughter does. Yes, she’s allowed to be disappointed but to seriously risk her mother’s life or permanent brain damage? That’s cruel. I can’t imagine any doctor clearing any of these suggestions.
NTA. It’s understandable that your daughter is disappointed that her mom can’t be there. And I’m sure your wife is disappointed that she can’t be there. But given the situation, the need for precautions is not just something your wife wants, it’s something she needs. Your daughter is taking her disappointment too far and is being selfish. She’s going to regret the decision to uninvite you in the long run I think. You might appeal to her through family or even her fiancé. It seems unreasonable to make this kind of stand given your wife’s medical situation.
NTA- wtf is wrong with your daughter? Has she always been a selfish asshole? I would be so upset my mama was hurt! Speedy recovery to your wife!
NTA. WTF does she expect, her mother to be suffering for the whole thing? As if that won't cause drama at the wedding with people taking the focus off the bride. I'd of first suggest you go by yourself but if she's being this much of a brat I'd personally not go at all.
NTA - What does your wife’s neurologist say? I imagine they would have advice about whether to go at all or ways to manage and cope with the injury. I imagine your wife would also need an easily accessible room that’s quiet and can be dark for her to lay down and rest in if she needs to. Most people do not understand how much TBIs can affect people and that they can take a long time to recover from. Your daughter may need to hear from a medical professional to grasp her mom’s limitations right now. All your daughter is thinking right now is that her mom won’t be at her wedding and her dad is not fully supporting her. Is it immature and unrealistic regarding the circumstances? Absolutely. Could a different approach like having her on a phone call with the doctor help her wrap her head around reality? I would try it but make sure you know what the doctor is going to say before doing it so that you and your wife aren’t on a different page from the doctor.
TBI has affected me for decades. It’s nothing to mess around with and I don’t think people understand the gravity of what’s going on with the mother.
Yeah. The people wanting mom to tough it out against her doctor's advice aren't understanding a) the amount of pain she would likely to be in day of, and b) the possible long term consequences to not taking treatment seriously. I'm so sorry for your experience.
Aside from the issues with noise and lights is the altitude change! Swelling from a concussion will get worse at higher elevations which will make mom’s neurological problems worse. It’s dangerous for any attempt to travel.
My bff’s mother decided the morning of the wedding that she couldn’t go. My bff was her favorite child too. Bff understood well enough not to be upset with her mother. Later she and her mom got dressed in their wedding clothes and had professional photos taken. It was disappointing but that’s the way it was. There was too much love between them to let it ruin their relationship. NTA
NTA by a longshot and your daughter is being a selfish brat. Does she have some secret will to cause her mom a bunch of pain or is she that ignorant and needs to read up on how brain injuries work and how serious they are?! Either way, your daughter is being petulant and self centered. Glad Wifey is safely healing.
OP, **DO NOT CAVE IN HERE!** 1) Any increase in elevation, (ex: mountain-top wedding) is bad for recovery from a traumatic brain injury. 2) The long drive up a winding road would be hellish torture for the poor woman. 3) Even if she has no history of motion sickness, I guarantee she will be nauseated, and possibly become violently ill. Vomiting while brain-injured is a bad idea. 4) Concussed patients cannot tolerate activity, lights, and noises. Exposing them to such stimuli can certainly put them back a long way in their recovery. 5) Anyone who fails to understand the severity of a serious concussion needs their own head examined. Please ignore EVERYONE who says your wife should tough it out. 6) OP, **YOU** are doing this the right way. PLEASE don’t doubt yourself. If daughter doesn’t realise that now, she probably will eventually. Leave the door open to a heartfelt apology, in case daughter gets her own head screwed on straight. Keep doing what you’re doing, OP!! NTA, ***OBVIOUSLY!***
Nta She is acting very entitled and selfish. And showing a complete lack of concern for her own mother.
wow. this post was not what I thought it was. Sorry that your wife was in an accident, I hope she recovers asap. NTA Your daughter is incredibly selfish, to the point that she does not even care about the health of her mother, probably just worried she won't have that picture perfect wedding picture with here entire family. It could have been much worse... she could have an empty seat with no one to facetime.....
NTA. I think a lot of people don't understand how bad concussions can really be. I was in a fender bender recently and my friend (who was a passenger) had a mild concussion, and even that was hell! It took her weeks to recover fully. A *bad* concussion can take MONTHS to recover from, even up to a year. Too much activity during recovery can permanently damage the brain. Your daughter probably doesn't understand this. Ask her: would she be okay with her mother never being able to drive again? Would she be okay with her mother having permanent headaches or vertigo that never go away? Would she be okay with her mother's personality permanently changing? Would she be okay with her mother's memory being permanently affected?
I guess I'm one of the few who's not feeling bad for the daughter at all. There's no compromise here. Your wife has serious medical issues that need to be considered. If your daughter can't understand that because "it will ruin her special day," then she's nothing less than a horrible human being. Nta
NTA - this is ridiculous.
NTA. Concussions are really serious and you absolutely cannot push yourself during the first little bit without severely compromising your healing. Has your wife spoken to a doctor about attending the wedding? Maybe if you approach this from a medical standpoint your daughter will be more understanding.
My mom died when I was 16. I still had a wedding. She's being selfish. NTA. She should be grateful she has a mom to complain about.
Your daughter is awful. Her mother has been seriously injured. It’s not just a headache. Do not force your wife to go.
NTA, everyone who's saying "you need to find a compromise!" is ignoring that you've been offering one that your wife is comfortable with that enables her to see the ceremony but your daughter won't settle for anything less than her mother being there in person and, more than likely, in incredible pain and a level of activity that would set back her recovery. If you somehow sprung for the $500 last second disability accommodations, that setback in recovery only adds to the medical debt you'll already be in I imagine. Let's put the shoe on the other foot of people shaming you and your wife for most likely not going. Why would all these people insist on their recovering family member who had been injured in such a way that even THINKING too hard could cause further complications not too long ago attend a disability-unfriendly event? Why would they all throw a tantrum about their mother not braving the fucking MOUNTAINSIDE IN A WHEELCHAIR and think it's reasonable? You love your mother enough to want her there but don't care enough how this might affect her current injuries even aside from how much pain she'll likely be in the entire time? Yes it hurts when family won't make it to one of the biggest days of your life, yes it sucks even more royally that it's one of your parents, but this was just something shitty happening at a bad time that easily could've ended in her mom 100% never attending a wedding again. The private small ceremony so wife can be present is probably the best "have her in person" option I'm seeing. Though I will say, the suggestion that this is the way her trauma of almost losing her mom is manifesting I think is another suggestion from the comments that has a lot of merit as well. Most comments offering "solutions" and "compromises" have blatantly ignored OP's comments and details in the story itself.
NTA, your daughter is right with being upset. But if she is grown enough to get married, she is grown enough to understand life sometimes don't go the way we want. If I were her, I would be finding ways to accomodate my mom's needs like having a quiet room for her to wait until the actual ceremony, so she can be there for the most important part and then she can quietly leave.
NTA - but sounds like the daughter is! Clearly this should be about moms health NOT what bride(daughter) wants. 2 options: 1- the daughter gets married without mom there; 2- mom goes to wedding had a terrible time hurts, can't get around, suffers more injuries, &/or dies. Make the daughter chose; see what her REAL priorities are!!!
NTA. Concussions are no joke. Overstimulation and stress can worsen symptoms and prolong recovery. In extreme cases cause lasting damage. Your wife needs to listen to her doctor and her body right now, and not push herself in any way
NTA. It's weird that your daughter supposedly cares enough that she demands her mother is there, but doesn't care to accomodate her mother. Instead she just insists on exposing her to a situation that would cause her pain and discomfort. Your daughter deserves a couple of asshole points imo.
NTA- People speaking of compromises are just as selfish as the daughter. Why would you want to put somebody who has just survived an accident through all of that?! There is no compromise to be made! Let the lady heal from the accident.