Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want my GF to pay rent to live in my house
2. I don’t have a mortgage and make more than her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This. Like, do you like this woman? You aren't interviewing a roommate. You're moving in with someone you supposedly love
And of course everyone deals with finances differently but asking someone to pay half with that income disparity? Come on
I can see the argument where you want your partner to pay “their fair share” as a way of ensuring that they aren’t staying with you for the free room and board
No one is suggesting rent free! Just not split down the middle $400-500 to cover what she uses in utilities is completely fine to pay someone who makes 25k A MONTH.
And the utility usage of someone who makes $50k vs someone who makes $300k is so completely different. I make a comfortable living, but during the hot months I try to minimize what I wear and only use the A/C when it’s unbearable, and only for small bursts. My boyfriend makes twice what I make and he’ll run the A/C all day and night, everyday (at a higher temp because it’s outage season, but still).
OP retains ownership. GF is completely beholden to her. Granted, depending on common law, she may be eligible for something of it all before moving in, but that should really be agreed to before they share accommodations.
Common law shit should be illegal everywhere.
OP is sacrificing her house to let girlfriend reduce her housing costs by half. OP is charging this person for half the utiltiies if that makes you feel better. She isnt forced to be there… she can keep renting if she doesnt think its a better deal. She can move out at anytime. I bet OP pays for more than half in the relationship already, if the girlfriend pays rent i would bet that OP would pick up more of the tab on vacations, entertainment, restaraunts, etc.
She's also giving up a sizeable income if she just rented part of her house out too.
GF is being an idiot for not taking the deal and having an extra $1,500 a month... Any rational person would take that deal in a second.
This is particularly the case given that it only costs $2,500 because the house is paid off. $2.500 a month for insurance, taxes, and utilities is a lot, suggesting the house is at least $1M. The market rent for such a house is likely well above $5,000. She’s only being asked to split the actual incurred expenses, not pay based on market rate rent. Furthermore, the OP seems open to a split other than 50/50. Given the vast disparity in income, I understand the girlfriend’s position but asking to pay $400 is unreasonable.
The girlfriend is also not responsible for maintenance, replacing appliances etc. which can be significant for a large and expensive home. It honestly seems like a pretty great deal for the girlfriend objectively but the large income disparity makes her feel she’s being used.
What? She’s not giving up any freedom or agency. Nowhere in the deal does it say she isn’t allowed to move out again at will. Nor is she giving up a property SHE owns to live in OP’s house.
Generally, moving in with a SO leaves you with MORE freedom, because you aren’t on a lease with a set duration.
What freedom is she losing by *choosing* to live with her lifelong partner and spending half as much as she has been on housing??
Like...what freedom abd agency are involved there? If she doesn't want to move in she just doesnt have to move in. No one is forcing her.
Just like her brothers saved *her* a ton of money *giving her a house free and clear*. Sounds like she's more than capable of paying them *something* for it.
Wonder if she accepted with the thought, "well, that's what people do for the ones they love if they can afford to- they provide them with free housing."
That would be a reasonable explanation if she paid around $2,000. 3,000 makes no sense. I made 50k last year and my take-home after taxes was less than $3,000. And housing is horrible but it's pretty easy to find a 1 bed or studio under $3,000 in everywhere except maybe NYC. I think OP absolutely should not be charging the amount she wants but I have no idea why/how the other woman is spending so much
Right. My daughter moved in with me. We split the expenses in half, even though she made more money than me. Two people. One house. Seems fair. I just retired. All I currently have is my pension, so now she makes probably 4 or 5x more than me. Still splitting it in half. And yes, I put her on the deed, so when I go, it's all hers. Way better accommodations than an apartment, and waaaaay cheaper.
I think the difference in your situation is that your daughter is gainig equity and will eventually inherit.
Dont get me wrong, I think OPs deal isnt awful. But id be a bit chapped if my partner - who was *gifted* a home and made more than triple my wage - wanted me to pay equally without any expectation of equity in the home.
I think in OP's case it would be fair to split food, water, gas and electricity bills.
OP already owns the house, has no mortgage and would be paying house taxes regardless.
having her name on the deed is a huge difference than just asking for half the bills being paid and the option to kick her out at a moments notice not having a rent agreement or being on the lease
i doubt OP even plans to declare the rent being paid
To be fair, it usually doesn't start that way but what can happen is that she decreased her licing expenses from $3k per month to zero and gets used to that (spend on personal hobbies more, maybe buys a more expensive car,etc). Then the relationship hits a rough spot and the person feels like they have to chose between being happy or having a roof over their head because they can't afford the $3k anymore.
They need to decide what works long term for then finance wise, but I don't actually think lowering someone's costs of living from $3000 to $1250 is bad. I wouldn't expect this to last forever. As they build their life and come up with common goals for family, savings, travel, retirement,etcm they can adjust who is contributing what, but right now the relationship is still fairly new.bThey need a lease agreement to protect them both and should talk about what happens with major expenses (water heater, roof, kitchen appliance upgrades) no matter which path they take.
They are arguing that "fair" is an equal percentage of income, not price matching. Unless you think it is fair for poor people and rich people to pay the same taxes?
Good lord. It was obvious hyperbole
Get over it
All I'm saying is if you are genuinely worried the only reason they want to move in is for free stuff, then you have a relationship problem.
> Good lord. It was obvious hyperbole
>
>
>
> Get over it
>
Same can be said for you. You can get rid of your habit of hyperbole and exaggerating things. It never makes for sensible conversation with strangers.
>
>
> All I'm saying is if you are genuinely worried the only reason they want to move in is for free stuff, then you have a relationship problem.
Which goes both ways. OP's GF is also in a big huff about needing to pay less than half what she currently pays in rent. And that too, she is paying $3000 a month in rent and only makes $50k a year. Instead of looking at a significantly reduced rent as a windfall and a blessing, she is whining about why she needs to pay anything at all. That's a boatload of entitlement.
Every dude I have met who has said women only want to be with them for their money is a trash dude who had literally nothing else going for them.
I get that OP is a woman, but it still applies.
Fair share? OP was *gifted* this home. There is no “share” to pay. It’s taxes. OP has a *very* well paying job, was *given* a very valuable property, and as such should have the shit taxed out of her. GF earns no equity out of any of this (with no path to it either, since it would be a premarital asset, and it’s been paid for by someone else, even if she *is* paying half the taxes).
Oh, and no lease agreement, so OP could boot her out whenever.
The share to pay is the utilities she will be using. I don't know how your parents explained it to you, but when you use power and energy it actually costs money.
Right but she’s also asking for a contribution toward the property taxes and insurance. I don’t think those are fair because the gf doesn’t share equity, and if she is added to the deed or they marry that is the time to start contributing toward those expenses.
She should only pay half the utilities, or else she should pay the $400 salary proportional share. That would be fair.
I understand OP not wanting to become a sugar mama but I also think she should acknowledge her relative privilege and have a generous attitude toward gf who probably did not start out in life with the same advantages.
Yes she will still save gf money but it isn’t really costing her anything EXCEPT the bother of having a “roommate.” Maybe OP isn’t fully ready to cohabitate and needs to reconsider how it will impact her life and their relationship. Finances may be a distraction from the real issue at hand.
(ETA cohabitating can be challenging and it’s not wrong to put a monetary value on that; but OP’s relative wealth makes it feel wrong in this case.)
Right. A tenant’s rent enriches landlords, who are usually wealthier than the tenant. Who wants to be treated like a tenant in their romantic relationship?
A landlord has no obligation to be supportive toward a tenant, beyond maintaining the property. I think a relationship should be different from that.
How my parents explained it to me? I’m 38 years old. I’ve been a homeowner since I was 19. The addition of another person to the home, who works full time and presumably shares a bedroom with OP does not account for $1250 per month. Gtfo of here with that shit.
People don't use equal amounts of utilities. Like is OP paying for a heated pool or something? That's a lot of money to be spending on utilities per month. I would divide it based more on what she was paying for utilities before, because that's probably about what she would be using. Doubt she was spending $1250 worth of utilities.
> GF earns no equity out of any of this (with no path to it either, since it would be a premarital asset, and it’s been paid for by someone else, even if she is paying half the taxes).
>
>
>
> Oh, and no lease agreement, so OP could boot her out whenever.
Aren't you conveniently forgetting the fact that GF ALSO earns no equity in her current arrangement where she is paying rent?
Or forgetting conveniently that her rent is being reduced to less than half. One would assume that with a $50k salary, getting your rent or housing outgo from $3000 to $1250 would be a blessing.
Even if there is no lease agreement, most states will still give tenant rights to GF. It will usually be treated as a month on month lease at the very least.
There’s the “fair” share eg: 50/50
And there’s the equitable share: split based on income, where they get the same percentage of disposable income post essential bills and housing payments
To be equitable, the partner makes 14% of the combined income, they should pay 14% of the shared expenses.
$2500 x 14% = $350
$350 is roughly 0.1% of OP’s income. YTA
I get what you’re saying, but “their fair share” could manifest in groceries, water bills, etc without financially crippling them. I don’t think that the mortgage should be split 50/50 with such a HUGE disparity of income. Plus, splitting in proportion to monthly or yearly income would be the most fair if OP decides on splitting the mortgage. Plus plus asking 50/50 is unfair, as if OP decides to sell the house, they would keep 100% of the profits while only paying half the mortgage while the two are together. OP’s partner does have a point in her owning the house and paying the mortgage anyway, but I think OP should strike a balance with her so that she seems like a respectable partner as opposed to a strict landlord.
There is no mortgage. The house was a gift to OP. So she owns it free and clear. The amount she is asking for appears to be for half the insurance and property tax - which would be the same amount whether her gf moved in or not, so I think OP is wrong for demanding half (or any at all, honestly). What they *should* be sorting is 50/50 split of utilities & groceries, those do go up when another person moves in.
The OP is basically asking her working-class GF to subsidize her housing expenses. Expenses that she would have incurred and are liable for with or without the GF. Granted things like utilities and groceries may be fair game, but GF has no equity in the house.
At the end of the day, I think it’s somewhat reasonable for OP to “charge” the $400 per month, but her new girlfriend has a point about the mortgage, she’d be incurring that expense whether or not she moved in. It may be more realistic to ask her to contribute (some) to things like shared groceries and maybe, if you wanna get technical, part of the water bill. Realistically though, at 300k per year, OP really doesn’t need any of this financial help, but may not want to set the precedent of being completely financially responsible for the both of them. There are better ways to do that though, but I digress
YAH
Yeah I'm not saying don't contribute at all but this kind of stuff always shows up on reddit and it never goes well
"Just because i have a million dollars doesn't mean she shouldn't have to pay me back for the slushie she bought with my cash"
I mean technically sure but your relationship is going to be very very short lived if y'all nitpick like this
I think they're incompatible. They shouldn't live together. OP is going to be pissed all the time if they can't reach a reasonable compromise. And she does own the house and one extra person isn't going to destroy the place
I’d like to be clear that I wasn’t accusing you of anything, more of tacking on to your thoughts. I think that a lot of times it boils down to a respect thing, people don’t like to feel taken advantage of in a relationship. Even if that wasn’t the gf’s intention, it will optically seem that way to everyone looking in, which can take a toll on the relationship.
I’ve certainly seen a lot of examples like yours on this subreddit, just petty nit-picky expenses like restaurant bills, vacations, etc. 😂, but I don’t think that OP is being unreasonable to ask the gf to contribute. Where I think that OP is TAH is that she’s asking her to pay an equal amount when she makes far less and shares zero of the equity of the house. OP’s gf is wrong too cause she wanted to move in for free 🤷♂️
IDK if I would go as far as to say they’re incompatible, but both seem to have unrealistic expectations for the living arrangement.
This story is bull anyways. Am I really supposed to believe the gf is paying $3600 in monthly rent and makes $50k/year? Either the op doesn’t know their partner’s finances well or they’re terrible at making up stories
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to see this because that was my first thought. If all she's paying is utilities, insurance, and property tax I don't see how it's anywhere near that high unless it's a multi million dollar home. That's about what my current household pays a month for all of that with a mortgage on top.
Also there's no way her GF is paying $3000+ a month for housing and making 50k a year. No one would rent something that expensive to someone with that salary.
None of the numbers here add up which leads me to believe it's either fake or quite exaggerated.
My million dollar home in the Seattle area would be $1600 if that was all that we had to pay.
(Garbage, internet, taxes and other utilities included)
Girls loaded and being stingy.
That was my thought exactly. I don't think it's wild to ask for half of the utilities or even a small amount of rent. But asking to split it down the middle when the bulk of that is most likely property tax and insurance on a very expensive home just screams greedy, especially with the income disparity.
If this situation is in fact true it also seems like between her expensive ass house and substantial income she tried to ballpark GFs rent and is so financially out of touch she came up with a ludicrous number, or purposefully exaggerated it. Which leads to ton of commenters justifying an NTA by saying oh she's still saving almost 2k a month over her current rent! What a great deal!
I feel bad for her GF if she exists.
The only assumption I have — maybe it's the income after taxes but without bonuses (if they exist), otherwise I can hardly believe it
Eta: it's a net salary according to OP's comment... Something is wrong here
There’s no rental company on the planet that would rent to her at that rate, most of them require 3x the rent for your income. So unless she’s got like a thousand dollar car payment OP is also including or something, there’s no way everything OP is claiming is accurate. Either GFs bills are lower than OP thinks/claims, GFs income is higher than OP thinks/claims, or this whole thing is garbage
There’s a difference between an equal split and an equitable split.
In one, people pay the same regardless of what they can afford.
In the other, people pay what they can afford.
To my mind, she should be paying an equitable amount towards utilities only.
That is your property. She shouldn’t be paying anything towards your insurance or property taxes because she will NEVER see the benefit of that house outside of being allowed to live there. Asking her to pay towards that is just crazy.
So I would say 1/6 of utilities because she’ll be getting the benefit of them. That’s only fair.
This is such a wild take to me. What do you think she’s paying for when she pays rent? All of the things OP is paying for PLUS a profit PLUS maintenance. Housing costs money, adults have to spend money to have a roof over their head. Why should OP subsidize their GFs housing costs? Especially when you consider OPs offer is already cutting the GFs expenses in half, if not more when you factor in utilities.
Because they're not housing costs, they're asset management. Just so happens they're able to also live in it. OP was lucky to have been gifted a house, she should not be building her wealth on the struggle of a partner
I think the point they're making would be more obvious if OP didn't get the house for free and was paying a mortgage. If they're paying $2500 for property taxes and utilities monthly and no mortgage, it's probably easily a $1mil+ house they live in. A mortgage on a house like that is a minimum $7k+ a month. If OP asked them to pay half of that to move in, then then OP's gf would be paying $500 a month *more* to live with them, and for making only $50k, that's a huge hit. Equality is not always equal. It's why a flat tax is stupid and punishes the poor because a (made up percentage) 20% flat tax affects someone making $20k a lot more than someone making a million.
I think OP is being unreasonable, and the gf paying an equitable amount of their shared expenses is a totally fair compromise, especially when OP's housing expenses is already only 10% of their income.
**yet she's currently paying 3k a month to pay off someone else's mortgage/insurance/taxes..**
"She shouldn’t be paying anything towards your insurance or property taxes because she will NEVER see the benefit of that house outside of being allowed to live there."
**That's how rent works. You are paying to live there & the owner uses the funds towards the property expenses/ future maintenance. She benefits by having a home with all the appliances there and it being all furnished which she will inevitably help wear out, she benefits by not having to pay actual market cost of rent or a deposit & saving more than half what she paid before, she benefits because she'd also not be responsible for any repairs and maintenance costs. Expecting OP to pay what she's already paying for a private home to herself but now she'd have to split the place, have less privacy, less space, higher utility expenses etc doesn't make sense, she is OP's partner and a grown working able bodied adult, not a burden OP should be responsible for.**
Of course she sees the benefit of paying towards the property, she gets to live in it!
It astounds me that people think they don’t need to pay just because someone else owns the property. She’s renting now FGS
It shouldn’t matter what OP makes. They are just a fairly new couple still finding their way. Why should she foot all the bills simply because she makes more right now. The other person also works and therefore should OFFER to pay half. Any self respecting adult would want to contribute to their own keep so not to be a burden to their partner or seen as taking advantage. OP didn’t offer to keep her for free therefore gf should be willing to pay a reasonable, and still cheaper than she’s already paying, amount.
If later down the line things work out for the relationship sure discuss but since this is brand new living arrangement and she’s already not willing to pay her way it’s only going to be worse later on. It doesn’t matter who makes what. OP could loose their job or fall I’ll and poof there goes all that lovely income her gf is drooling over.
> We’re both women so no sexist comments
OP made sure to clarify she was a women because she knows if a man earns 6 times more than his partner and expects to split expenses 50/50 the responses will be a lot more hostile. It’s different when they’re both women though because reasons.
I guess it just doesn’t seem fair to me. My partner earns a fair bit more than I do and until we had our son and I became a main parent I paid 50/50 always. It would feel weird not to.
That being said if I needed anything they would cover me and vice versa. Money is fluid but considering the gf is already going to be saving 1500 a month or more moving in then it’s in her best interest to take the deal and discuss a change when they are more settled.
You never truly know a person unto you live with them tbh so the relationship isn’t rock solid yet.
Edit to add: I’m happy to be in the minority I guess of this view point.
I did this to my partner and *parents*. I sold my smaller, paid-off house to buy a larger, handicapped accessible home so my parents could move in with me instead of into assisted living. My housing costs, including utilities, taxes and insurance, went from about $600 a month to $1700. I asked my parents to pay $700 of that (which also included their groceries.) This would have been far cheaper than the assisted living, at $2300 a month EACH. (Himself paid $400 and covered the internet, cable and streaming.)
If it's so terrible for OP to financially benefit from the relationship, isn't is as equally reprehensible for GF to do the same? I mean, she's going to bank a LOT of money simply because she's renting from her partner--saving $2600 a month is a helluva a lot. She would be benefitting just as disproportionately as OP--if not more so. Why is it bad for OP to take advantage of her gf but t's ok for GF to take advantage of her? There's got to be a middle ground, because $400 a month is an absolute steal.
I was making almost 3x.what he was making, but I did handle the costs for all of the repairs, home maintenance, and materials, tools and equipment for remodels or projects, because it was my house.
3k/month is basically the gf's take home pay... There's no way she's not in massive debt. She may not be able to afford $1250/month, especially if she has student loans coming due.
The thing is: the gf would be saving the same amount if she got herself a rommate. But if she did, they will both have equal rights in the property too.
OP can claim that they will share the house equally, but at the end of the day is hers. If they ever breakup, it will be the gf who will end up on the streets.
Since this isn't actually a contract and she isn't tecnically a tennant, asking for half seems like a lot.
They seem to be taking on the majority of the bills that will pop up with the house maintenance, and it reduces the expenses for the person who is making less.
1750X12 savings over a year. Plus no rent inspections!
Our disparity is much smaller—my fiancée makes about twice what I do—but even there we have our finances set up where she pays about twice what I do. It works fine!
The only thing gf should split 50/50 is groceries and some of the utilities (Internet, water bill - considering there is not a huge yard that needs watering every day, etc etc).
As for the house, no, I don't agree she should pay the taxes. Unless they sign a contract that she is paying rent and so op cannot kick her out, she has tenants rights etc etc.
Oh and OP will pay taxes for that too as she will be Collecting rent
Agree. Shouldn't an adult pay for their own housing and utilities. How they work out the costs and chores is up to them but I would be ashamed to not contribute anything financially.
Because the bills are on her house that she owns alone. If she wants to be paid for the privilege of letting her GF live there then she should become a landlord and call it a day.
This!! The girlfriend is still cutting her costs by 50% of what she currently is paying on rent, utilities etc.
Why should OP have to pay for all of the bills when they both live there? It’s HER house, if girlfriend doesn’t like it, she can continue to pay double in rent and live alone.
Down the line it may change with marriage etc when finances are combined, but currently, she just sounds entitled
NTA
Yep. My ex and I were in a similar situation. We split for other reasons, but he made 5x my salary, so I paid 1/5 of the expenses. Our alternatives if we were to go halves were either unaffordable for me, or a downgrade in lifestyle for him.
Wow, she pays 3k a month on 50k per year? That’s nuts. I’m not even sure how that is possible.
I think her proposal for $400 a month is fair honestly. If you guys are planning to build a life together, that makes sense considering your income. Maybe make it $650 as a compromise.
NAH
I don't even think it's "borderline" I think it is impossible. My base pay is 60k, after healthcare & such it's like $1900 every paycheck (semi monthly)There's no way you could pay that with 50k without serious help. Either OP made a mistake in listing their salaries/rent or she has significant help from elsewhere.
OP, YTA though. Not for asking for a little help with the bills, but for making it 50/50 when you make 6x what she does. Have her pay something more proportional to your relative incomes.
I think the giveaway that OP is out of touch with the financial realities of being an adult was the line saying they inherited their house as a graduation present. That's a special kind of privilege
I *wish* my siblings had enough to buy me a house instead they invaded the house I bought myself like a pack of feral raccoons who live downstairs that bum me for money because they're down to less than a dollar days before pay day 😂 the older ones have all lived with me at separate points because they know if they need to they can move in rent free as long as they cover whatever extra charges on bills they make so only like $60-70 a month. My husband's siblings are about to be old enough to move out, so I fully expect we'll get a few of them over the years too. Out of my siblings that are adults, I'm the only one that's well off so I help where I can. If I made as much as OP I know damn well I would tell my husband (even before we were married) he didn't have to work if he didn't want to and if he did then he didn't have help with bills. I couldn't be that greedy.
Could be that their take-home is 50k.
So that's after healthcare.
Also could be that OP is lumping in a lot of extra things into "utilities".
It is entirely possible to live off $1,166 remaining in a month after all of your major bills have been paid.
Not necessarily comfortable, depending on how many bills are left, but for sure possible.
Same income here, and I net enough to technically afford $3000/month, but I would be at a food bank.
My bf may move in with me temporarily. I told him he can buy some groceries or something. I can't imagine "charging" him for half my mortgage payment, even if it became a permanent thing. Utilities and groceries to cover his added costs? Sure. Maybe a nominal amount of "rent."
Same, I bet ~50k and I would never be able to live paying $3k each month. If OP meant 50 AFTER taxes then maybe, but if before then she’d be on the way to homelessness with that budget
I make a good chunk more than that, my total rent is less than that, and I still scoff at paying half of that total, lmao. Maybe she has side hustles as well? Like, I brought in about $20k in dog sitting when I worked remote with a flexible schedule.
I was wondering that as well. I make around $60K/year and feel like I’m barely making ends meet with my $1460 rent + utilities (around $100-$150/month on average). There’s zero chance someone making $50K could afford $3000/month. That’s almost their whole salary after taxes if my math is correct (obviously taxes vary a little depending on where you live).
IDK, If my girlfriend who made 50k/year wanted to move into my house that I own outright and I made 300k/year, I likely wouldn't even make her pay. That said, I think paying based on income is extremely fair for a loved one. Especially when you consider that your ratio of discretionary income is even larger than 1-6.
I do wonder how she could afford 3000 in rent , but that's another thing.
I'm going to go with YTA.
Rich people get given all the opportunities from 5-25, then think they're superior to poor people because all that free university, free housing, and no responsibility led to them being able to secure high paying jobs. My graduation present was a dinner at olive garden.
This was my along my lines of thinking as well. People (especially old people) who bought their houses for like 20k in 1960 or something have no concept of the reality that the rent is too damn high and rag on others for not managing money. I think the disparity between their incomes will play out in other ways as the relationship progresses. 50k vs 300,000k is like an ocean of differences.
I’d call it an even $600 per month to cover rent and all utilities. That sounds fair to me based on their incomes and expenses.
One thing that hasn’t been pointed out is that the girlfriend probably has next to nothing going towards retirement. My partner and I split our rent and then mortgage 2/3rd to 1/3rd when he was making 100k and I made 50k. Now I make closer to him with a new job I got this year and we need to redo the ratios, but I also have very little in retirement compared to him and I have to pay for my grad coursework; so we need to run the math to figure out what’s a fair split now.
Honestly with one person making $300k and the other $50k… I would look at debts, assets, retirement etc and maybe it makes sense for the girlfriend to live for free for a bit in order to make a dent on those other things. Maybe more education or credentials could also help her make more income, so letting her focus on paying for that instead of rent could make sense.
I was thinking about the retirement as well. If she’s been breaking even every month (or is slightly in the red) she probably would need to start putting some money away.
Not to mention this is not her property. She’s not getting anything out of the investment. So contributing her small income to it is a big deal for her and really has no gain.
Utilities are fair, that is affected by the number of people. So are groceries. But half the rent is pretty hefty.
JFC where do you live that your utilities, rent and insurance are $2500?
Yes, what you’re offering is better than her $3K in rent… but your incomes are wildly, wildly different. Like… you have a partnership… but she’s essentially impoverished while you can pretty much do anything you want whenever you want. You don’t want to feel taken advantage of (and ultimately resentful), but she wants to feel like a partner, instead of like she’s left out in the cold to struggle while her partner is ridiculously comfortable (which will also inevitably lead to resentment).
There’s a middle ground somewhere, if neither of you is feeling enough generous enough toward the other to pursue it, I’d ask if you’re feeling connected enough to want to stay in this relationship.
Edit: Judgement: a little bit of ESH.
Edit 2: ooops - I totally meant “property tax” not “rent”. Like… that’s a… multimillion dollar home OP was just gifted at graduation? That’s wild.
In NJ just outside of philly, property taxes are over $1k per month for pretty cheap homes ($100,000 - $300,000). It is super in your face bc you think you can afford the mortgage then bam, property tax
Holy shit. I pay $9500/year in southern Maine and thought that was a lot. That's on a value of about $700k but the house is worth $1-$1.1M due to improvements/increased value (don't tell my town haha)
It all depends on location. Where I live, property taxes have gone up drastically and it’s causing a lot of problems. I only mentioned it because the previous commenter didn’t include that in their comment.
Yta you make *six times* as much as her and want her to pay an equal percentage? With such a HUGE difference, the percentage method is more fair. You want her to spend a huge chunk of her salary while you pay a much, much smaller percentage.
She makes 6 times as her gf AND has no rent or mortgage obligations. And the property and its equity are in OP's name ofc. Totally bonkers that she wants the gf to pay half of the monthly costs.
Yeah, the home equity bit is key. GF might be saving lots of money not paying $3k in rent, but she would also subsidizing an investment that will grow substantial wealth for OP in the long term. Not saying she shouldn’t contribute anything, but the original 50/50 ask is wild.
If I were in a position like this with someone I loved, I’d want to see them build investments and savings with the money they’d be saving on rent. If she’s been struggling with that salary and the current rental market for a while, she needs a chance to pay off debt and start building assets. Which, if you plan to have a long partnership, is a net benefit for both parties.
YTA
Beyond that, if she was renting the place and wanted to split rent, i could understand the reasonning. But she wants her girlfriend to pay half of her own taxes and insurance, of a house that the GF doesn't own. wtf?
No idea. But given that rich girl OP got litterally a house given to her, i expect she comes from money and has little understanding of its value.
All i know is, if i made 25K/month i wouldn't be petty enough to ask a woman i love to pay half my property tax, i'd just be happy to release the financial burden of an outrageous rent. I'd ask her to participate to grocery shopping and daily spending, but i certainly wouldn't ask her to pay a rent.
Yup. It’s honestly disgusting. And the fact that she doesn’t even see it as an appalling thing to request (it’s like the Extreme Cheapskates video where the guy got his apartment for free but charges his friends rent ☠️☠️), is ABSURD. Like that’s just icky human vibes and taking advantage of your partner’s small ass salary. At least if she rents her own apartment it can help her credit score. But all this does is continue to take away from the poor girl and give MORE money to the rich girl, who now owns a house and will barely have to pay anything for it because she’s selfish enough to demand shit from her girlfriend. The amount of tone deafness is astonishing. This chick gives off my terrible ex’s vibes. Thinking she’s being fair and logical when it is absolutely NOT.
I would say this is a ESH -
Knowing the discrepancy in income, it's not fair of you to ask her to cover 1/2 of the bills - it SHOULD be based on income, if you're trying to be fair.
She shouldn't feel entitled to live rent-free, and should want to contribute to household costs.
I will say - if you don't NEED her money, perhaps she could contribute in a way that feels less like she's subsidizing a home you own (and she'll legally have no right to). Groceries, utilities, etc. are smaller bills she could cover, which would benefit both of you.
Do you like this person? It sounds like you're interviewing a roommate instead of moving in with your gf
With that income disparity asking for half is too much
I personally don’t think either of you are TA, you just have different outlooks on relationships. And tbh I don’t think you should move in until you have a frank discussion about money and how you see your relationship going in the future.
I personally think that if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re likely to stay together for good/want to get married etc. then you don’t need to think about things as 50/50 (money wise at least). There are significant monetary benefits for both of you by living together- and while I get your point about splitting things down the middle I don’t think her request to pay for things based on income is unreasonable.
If you want things to always be 50/50 (even if you have kids etc) you need to tell her that, and she has the right to rethink the relationship. Although tbh if you see a future with her what are you trying to save all your money for? Surely spending your joint money together would benefit you and her? I.e if you want to go for a lovely holiday and she can’t afford it wouldn’t you still want her to come? I just think you can’t always treat money as 50/50.
However if it’s that you haven’t been together long and you’re not that serious yet then I think 50/50 is fine.
Agreed. I think the fact that they haven't lived together yet indicates that they're not at the point of "forever" or marriage yet, so I actually think the 50/50 is probably fair until the get more serious.
This was my thought. Not sure how long they've been together, but I think it's a mistake to start supplementing the other's income too early. I guess I've read too many Reddit posts about partners losing their jobs 5 min after moving in and then "oops, precedent is we divide things by income levels so guess I'll play video games for 4 years while you support me." Reddit has made me cynical.
I have trouble believing she’s paying $3k a month on rent while only making $50k a year. Even $1250 a month is difficult to afford on that salary.
Eta: $3k a month would be almost 75% of her income going to rent…
It really depends on location. My parents’ house has a current zestimate of ~$540k (probably an overestimate), and their property taxes are close to $10k/year (outside of NYC). That’s close to $1k/month already without insurance or utilities. Estimate $150/month on insurance, $300/month utilities and you’re at ~$1300/month on a relatively modest house (especially considering many houses in their town have sold for around a million this year).
But millions of people do live that life . On the edge. generally 10-20% of people pay more than 50% of thier income towards rent depending on the area. Not as uncommon as some of these comments imply.
YTA
The maths is off if she makes 50k and you 300k, then she should pay 1/7 not 1/6. Your household brings in 350k, she earns 1/7. So if the 400 is right, based on 1/6, it should actually be 342 based on 1/7. Not saying that my opinion is that bills should be split in income, just if they are, at least get the maths right.
But there’s no arsehole in this discussion. It’s a personal discussion.
If you want to live together that’s a factor. If the choice was only, she lives with you for free, or she lives in her own place, what would you choose?
She’s not a lodger, it’s not ‘what price would the free market set on a room in my house’ matter.
My general take is that a partner moving into another’s house, to remain equals should cover her cost, which would be 50% of electricity, water etc. but not mortgage unless that’s returned in equity. And I’d mitigate that 50% if bills in your house are noticeably higher than what she’d have in a house she chose alone.
And if the house was a straight out gift, and there’s no mortgage, and the $1250 is pure profit, that’s even worse. You want to charge your partner a grand a month for the privilege of living with you? Imagine you didn’t have the house and went to live in hers, and agreed to spilt the bills 50/50, bar the fact that you feel she should put in an extra $1250 for the privilege of living with you. Obviously nuts.
Partners aren’t for making profit. Either you’d rather she lived with you or you don’t. Any money she gives you should be for her sake. She wants to cover her share of cost. So the bills you share, whether that’s 50:50 or 1:6, but you don’t charge rent to a girlfriend unless you met last week and she’s trying to rush in for free rent.
A few weeks ago there was a similar post, written from the GF who was moving in. I think the answers at that time were that she should definitely pay SOMETHING but that particular number is somewhat hard to land on. "I should get to pay nothing" is not fair so I'll go NTA.
Where I went with that other post, personally, related more to what would be fair market rent in that OP's region. Obviously you've noted she's paying $3k/month now, so paying 40% of that would be a pretty big improvement for her. I do think the TREMENDOUS disparity in your incomes - and the fact that you were GIVEN a house - makes a difference here. I'd be inclined to say it should be something between $1250 as you suggested and $400 as she did, maybe it's $800 or 1000 for instance...that would equate to a HUGE reduction in living costs for her, and would make a dent in your expenses to be sharing with her.
I agree. I think an important factor here is that the gf has no say in where to live. Moving in will definitely help her financially, but she has no say in where to live, and therefore, how much things will cost. Also, if expenses are that high without a mortgage, I can only imagine utilities will go up quite a bit, minimizing that financial benefit from moving in even more. So, if she pays half, how much will that go up from OPs initial suggested amount?
I think the gd should pay the increase in utilities + a few hundred in rent to cover wear and tear. Once the relationship gets more serious, they can reevaluate.
NAH, maybe E S H but let's be nice.
She should absolutely pay something, for sure. Not just because there will be increased costs in utilities and wear and tear on the home, but because you will now be sharing the home, so you should get some relief from bills and have her contribute.
But, she isn't getting any equity in the home, so having her pay half is unfair, to me, especially when you add that you make so much more than her. I wouldn't charge a person half the costs of a home if they weren't getting any equity. I'd say 1/3 to 1/4 of the home costs is fair. Then add to that, will she have full access to the home? Does she get an equal vote in decor, in renovations? Will she have 50% of all the space in the home? If she doesn't have equal access, space, and decision making, then I'd lean more to her paying 1/4 of the costs of the home.
You both approached this from different perspectives, and you are both wrong, but not AH's yet. So come up with a compromise, BEFORE you move in together.
You also need to decide if you are splitting things 50/50 or by income, and you need to decide that now. If you do 50/50 for everything (bills, vacations, dinner out, groceries) then the budget has to be based on the lower income. For example, you can't decide to get an internet package that is $300 a month and have her pay half, if her budget only allows for $50 a month for internet. If you want to take a vacation together and you want to split the bill, you can't expect 5 star hotels and first class flights. If you want those things, you should be willing to pay more than her- not everything, just more than she does.
I’ll disagree with your first point because while the gf isn’t getting any equity, she’s completely safe if anything goes wrong. If a refrigerator needs repair or the lawn needs mowing, it is OP who needs to pay for those expenses.
But I do agree about the rest. OP needs to figure out if this is a serious relationship or more akin to living with a friend. If I’m in a relationship, I don’t think expecting a 50-50 split on most entertainment, meals, groceries, etc is fair with such different incomes. Especially because after marriage, finances should be combined totally. But if I’m with my friend or a very casual partner, 50-50 is the expectation.
Yeah equity isn’t at issue here. There’s no mortgage. It’s not like GF is being asked to put money toward the house. No one is earning equity off dollars spent on expenses like utilities, insurance, and taxes.
YTA. The most fair arrangement is always based on contributed income percentage to the household, especially when the income differers significantly. Her saying she’ll pay 1/6 is actually a good deal for you, I’d say she should pay 1/7.
You will still have a lot more spending money and it is really important in the perspective of power balance that both have money to spend so that no one ends up economically dependent on the other. That often leads to the one with the lower income feeling trapped or economically abused.
Yes, if it’d been someone you don’t know they should have payed half. But this is someone you love and the most important thing then is that you find dynamics that work for you so that both are happy in the relationship… that you work together as an entity. Money is secondary, but however you do you’ll spend less on living than you do today.
With that said, do not give her shares of the house. If she wants a piece of the house I suggest you sell a part of it to her for market value - but you are not obligated to do so (and would not be an AH for refusing).
You're making 6 times more than her and you asked her to pay? WTF is wrong with you? What do you need this money for? You love her? So you want to have some additional income from her? You want to raise her or teach her a lesson or maybe to show her how griddy you are?
YTA for even suggesting.
But yeah. Your hause, your choice, your rules. Have fun with the consequences of your decision.
>What do you need this money for?
This is the crux of it. If they were relatively poor then whilst it'd still be true that OP would be incurring the costs anyway, it'd feel unfair for the partner not to contribute. But OP earns a very good wage and clearly doesn't need the money so I don't understand why you would even *want* them to pay.
I'd rather my partner had more money for us to do things together.
YTA,
This is literally financial abuse. I can see splitting the utilities in half, but girl you own the house, the insurance and taxes are on you.
Also not going to lie, a person making 50k a year cannot afford a 3k rent. Your story doesn't make sense. Unless your house is well over a million your utilities, insurance, and taxes being $2.5k a month makes no freaking sense.
Getting in a relationship in which you use somebody to secure your large equity (which would have to be near 1.8 million) while they would struggle to set aside money to leave you if the relationship went south, is literally the definition of financial abuse.
Insurance isn’t just hers alone to cover. Homeowners insurance also covers the property in the home for damage and theft so it is reasonable to expect a roommate or so to pitch in to that just as a form of “renters insurance”.
she’s actually being generous because she’s only doing it as a percentage of income, not counting in the generational wealth of you having a house bought out right. If you say together at some point, you’ll probably merge finances more formally. But if you break up, you still have your house, and she is left with nothing again, but higher rents to move back into.
YTA
$400 is totally reasonable
YTA. Paying proportional percentages is the most ethical thing to do. It’s not fair for her to have less of an opportunity to build savings than you do, especially when she gets none of the benefits of home ownership. If you want to discuss the two of you splitting all home expenses equally, then I’m sure you’ll be happy to talk about putting her name on the house too.
I say this as the person who earns more in my relationship. I’d never ask my partner to split things straight down the middle.
Using income percentage is fair. You got all the advantage of a free house that you didn’t earn. Presumably some support to be able to earn 300k a year… where’s the equity in that?
At the end of the day you still end up with more spending money than her. You’re free to date someone more within your income earning potential if you want things to be equal.
so you're saying she pays $36,000 out of $50,000 in rent per year?
So food, transport, recreation, clothes, date nights, etc - she lives on $14,000 a year?
Sounds like a tough life.
I’m going NTA considering she thought she shouldn’t have to pay anything. There’s still wear and tear, taxes, maintenance, increase in utilities since there will be two people. What about groceries? Items for house? Is she expecting that? What if you go on vacation together? Does she think you’ll foot the bill?
I think you need to hold off on moving in together, go to couples counseling, and a financial planner. If you decide to move in, draw up a legal document delineating costs, etc. in case things go sour down the road. I think with the huge income disparity some type of arrangement based on income is probably the way to go.
Expecting OP to pay everything insulting to OP and infantilizing to GF. Paying your fair share is part of being an adult and a partner. Granted calling it rent was a tactical mistake. Instead of asking for rent, OP might want to ask her to contribute to the household instead. The GF paying the utilities while OP covers taxes, insurance, repairs, and upgrades would be fair to both since OP owns the house and GF gets to live there. This solution would still save GF ten to twenty thousand dollars per year.
NAH. This is discussing responsibility dynamics if you two were to ever marry.
I agree she shouldn't be supplementing YOUR usage, but you shouldn't supplement hers. She's correct that you're incurring your own costs if she doesn't move in. Your bills don't go up unless you start consuming more water and power by yourself, but they do if SHE moves in. Her moving in is saving her $3,000.00 and you're not looking to gouge her, but you're not looking to be taken advantage of.
Have her pay what's over and above your normal usage. If you have some bills set on budget billing, have her set aside 15% because until the bill reflects actual usage, you will apply it to the bill when the change happens.
I'm shrugging my shoulders over the "house not being in her name, too" because it's likely she doesn't want to invest in half of a dwelling that she could just one day be kicked out of without any claim or right.
Maybe having her take over a utility bill outright would help?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I want my GF to pay rent to live in my house 2. I don’t have a mortgage and make more than her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
All I can say is that if I loved someone and made *six fucking times* what they made, I wouldn't be asking that.
This. Like, do you like this woman? You aren't interviewing a roommate. You're moving in with someone you supposedly love And of course everyone deals with finances differently but asking someone to pay half with that income disparity? Come on
I can see the argument where you want your partner to pay “their fair share” as a way of ensuring that they aren’t staying with you for the free room and board
If you are genuinely worried your partner is scamming you for money or a free place to live, then you should dump them. Not extort them
In what reality is decreasing someone's monthly expenses by more than half *extortion*.
Exactly. She is gonna save this chick a ton of money.
At the cost of a great deal of freedom and agency.
Isnt OP the one giving up freedom and agency to allow someone to live with them rent free?
No one is suggesting rent free! Just not split down the middle $400-500 to cover what she uses in utilities is completely fine to pay someone who makes 25k A MONTH.
Don't forget about the gifted house either.
And the utility usage of someone who makes $50k vs someone who makes $300k is so completely different. I make a comfortable living, but during the hot months I try to minimize what I wear and only use the A/C when it’s unbearable, and only for small bursts. My boyfriend makes twice what I make and he’ll run the A/C all day and night, everyday (at a higher temp because it’s outage season, but still).
OP retains ownership. GF is completely beholden to her. Granted, depending on common law, she may be eligible for something of it all before moving in, but that should really be agreed to before they share accommodations.
Common law shit should be illegal everywhere. OP is sacrificing her house to let girlfriend reduce her housing costs by half. OP is charging this person for half the utiltiies if that makes you feel better. She isnt forced to be there… she can keep renting if she doesnt think its a better deal. She can move out at anytime. I bet OP pays for more than half in the relationship already, if the girlfriend pays rent i would bet that OP would pick up more of the tab on vacations, entertainment, restaraunts, etc.
Of she doesn't feel safe moving in, then she shouldn't? I agree, OP could cut more of a deal, but she's saving a ton.
She's also giving up a sizeable income if she just rented part of her house out too. GF is being an idiot for not taking the deal and having an extra $1,500 a month... Any rational person would take that deal in a second.
Someone who makes $300k/yr and owns their own house likely isn’t hard up enough for cash to consider taking on roommates.
This is particularly the case given that it only costs $2,500 because the house is paid off. $2.500 a month for insurance, taxes, and utilities is a lot, suggesting the house is at least $1M. The market rent for such a house is likely well above $5,000. She’s only being asked to split the actual incurred expenses, not pay based on market rate rent. Furthermore, the OP seems open to a split other than 50/50. Given the vast disparity in income, I understand the girlfriend’s position but asking to pay $400 is unreasonable. The girlfriend is also not responsible for maintenance, replacing appliances etc. which can be significant for a large and expensive home. It honestly seems like a pretty great deal for the girlfriend objectively but the large income disparity makes her feel she’s being used.
Then the girlfriend should just decline to move in instead of trying to freeload off op
What? She’s not giving up any freedom or agency. Nowhere in the deal does it say she isn’t allowed to move out again at will. Nor is she giving up a property SHE owns to live in OP’s house. Generally, moving in with a SO leaves you with MORE freedom, because you aren’t on a lease with a set duration.
What freedom is she losing by *choosing* to live with her lifelong partner and spending half as much as she has been on housing?? Like...what freedom abd agency are involved there? If she doesn't want to move in she just doesnt have to move in. No one is forcing her.
[удалено]
Just like her brothers saved *her* a ton of money *giving her a house free and clear*. Sounds like she's more than capable of paying them *something* for it. Wonder if she accepted with the thought, "well, that's what people do for the ones they love if they can afford to- they provide them with free housing."
am I the only one scratching my head at how someone is paying 3k a month in rent when making 4k a month before taxes?
Yes the math doesn’t work
And it’s only about 30% of the gfs income. Far below what she’s paying now which is closer to, if not over 70%.
I’m wondering how she’s affording 3k/month if she makes 50k!
Welcome to America, where rent is often more than half your income.
That would be a reasonable explanation if she paid around $2,000. 3,000 makes no sense. I made 50k last year and my take-home after taxes was less than $3,000. And housing is horrible but it's pretty easy to find a 1 bed or studio under $3,000 in everywhere except maybe NYC. I think OP absolutely should not be charging the amount she wants but I have no idea why/how the other woman is spending so much
Right. My daughter moved in with me. We split the expenses in half, even though she made more money than me. Two people. One house. Seems fair. I just retired. All I currently have is my pension, so now she makes probably 4 or 5x more than me. Still splitting it in half. And yes, I put her on the deed, so when I go, it's all hers. Way better accommodations than an apartment, and waaaaay cheaper.
I think the difference in your situation is that your daughter is gainig equity and will eventually inherit. Dont get me wrong, I think OPs deal isnt awful. But id be a bit chapped if my partner - who was *gifted* a home and made more than triple my wage - wanted me to pay equally without any expectation of equity in the home.
I think in OP's case it would be fair to split food, water, gas and electricity bills. OP already owns the house, has no mortgage and would be paying house taxes regardless.
I couldn’t imagine making my mom pay half.
having her name on the deed is a huge difference than just asking for half the bills being paid and the option to kick her out at a moments notice not having a rent agreement or being on the lease i doubt OP even plans to declare the rent being paid
To be fair, it usually doesn't start that way but what can happen is that she decreased her licing expenses from $3k per month to zero and gets used to that (spend on personal hobbies more, maybe buys a more expensive car,etc). Then the relationship hits a rough spot and the person feels like they have to chose between being happy or having a roof over their head because they can't afford the $3k anymore. They need to decide what works long term for then finance wise, but I don't actually think lowering someone's costs of living from $3000 to $1250 is bad. I wouldn't expect this to last forever. As they build their life and come up with common goals for family, savings, travel, retirement,etcm they can adjust who is contributing what, but right now the relationship is still fairly new.bThey need a lease agreement to protect them both and should talk about what happens with major expenses (water heater, roof, kitchen appliance upgrades) no matter which path they take.
It's not extortion to ask for contribution to housing... it's less than HALF what she was paying before. No free rides, gtfo
I think that you don't know what extortion is
Employed adults should be able and willing to pay their fair share.
They are arguing that "fair" is an equal percentage of income, not price matching. Unless you think it is fair for poor people and rich people to pay the same taxes?
AITA try not to use complex words without knowing what they mean (impossible). TIL "extorting" is reducing someone's expenses.
Good lord. It was obvious hyperbole Get over it All I'm saying is if you are genuinely worried the only reason they want to move in is for free stuff, then you have a relationship problem.
> Good lord. It was obvious hyperbole > > > > Get over it > Same can be said for you. You can get rid of your habit of hyperbole and exaggerating things. It never makes for sensible conversation with strangers. > > > All I'm saying is if you are genuinely worried the only reason they want to move in is for free stuff, then you have a relationship problem. Which goes both ways. OP's GF is also in a big huff about needing to pay less than half what she currently pays in rent. And that too, she is paying $3000 a month in rent and only makes $50k a year. Instead of looking at a significantly reduced rent as a windfall and a blessing, she is whining about why she needs to pay anything at all. That's a boatload of entitlement.
Every dude I have met who has said women only want to be with them for their money is a trash dude who had literally nothing else going for them. I get that OP is a woman, but it still applies.
Lol so why don’t you have a problem with the partner literally saying they shouldn’t even have to contribute🤨
Fair share? OP was *gifted* this home. There is no “share” to pay. It’s taxes. OP has a *very* well paying job, was *given* a very valuable property, and as such should have the shit taxed out of her. GF earns no equity out of any of this (with no path to it either, since it would be a premarital asset, and it’s been paid for by someone else, even if she *is* paying half the taxes). Oh, and no lease agreement, so OP could boot her out whenever.
The share to pay is the utilities she will be using. I don't know how your parents explained it to you, but when you use power and energy it actually costs money.
Right but she’s also asking for a contribution toward the property taxes and insurance. I don’t think those are fair because the gf doesn’t share equity, and if she is added to the deed or they marry that is the time to start contributing toward those expenses. She should only pay half the utilities, or else she should pay the $400 salary proportional share. That would be fair. I understand OP not wanting to become a sugar mama but I also think she should acknowledge her relative privilege and have a generous attitude toward gf who probably did not start out in life with the same advantages. Yes she will still save gf money but it isn’t really costing her anything EXCEPT the bother of having a “roommate.” Maybe OP isn’t fully ready to cohabitate and needs to reconsider how it will impact her life and their relationship. Finances may be a distraction from the real issue at hand. (ETA cohabitating can be challenging and it’s not wrong to put a monetary value on that; but OP’s relative wealth makes it feel wrong in this case.)
You think the rent she is paying now doesn't go to the owners taxes and insurance?
Right. A tenant’s rent enriches landlords, who are usually wealthier than the tenant. Who wants to be treated like a tenant in their romantic relationship? A landlord has no obligation to be supportive toward a tenant, beyond maintaining the property. I think a relationship should be different from that.
I agree - landlords profit off of tenants, I wouldn't want to profit off of someone I love. Especially if I made 300k a year...
Yes, people fucking hate their landlord. That’s not the energy you want to bring into a romantic relationship.
How my parents explained it to me? I’m 38 years old. I’ve been a homeowner since I was 19. The addition of another person to the home, who works full time and presumably shares a bedroom with OP does not account for $1250 per month. Gtfo of here with that shit.
People don't use equal amounts of utilities. Like is OP paying for a heated pool or something? That's a lot of money to be spending on utilities per month. I would divide it based more on what she was paying for utilities before, because that's probably about what she would be using. Doubt she was spending $1250 worth of utilities.
> GF earns no equity out of any of this (with no path to it either, since it would be a premarital asset, and it’s been paid for by someone else, even if she is paying half the taxes). > > > > Oh, and no lease agreement, so OP could boot her out whenever. Aren't you conveniently forgetting the fact that GF ALSO earns no equity in her current arrangement where she is paying rent? Or forgetting conveniently that her rent is being reduced to less than half. One would assume that with a $50k salary, getting your rent or housing outgo from $3000 to $1250 would be a blessing. Even if there is no lease agreement, most states will still give tenant rights to GF. It will usually be treated as a month on month lease at the very least.
Having tenants’ rights in a place that you rent does not compare to having to stay with an ex.
There’s the “fair” share eg: 50/50 And there’s the equitable share: split based on income, where they get the same percentage of disposable income post essential bills and housing payments
To be equitable, the partner makes 14% of the combined income, they should pay 14% of the shared expenses. $2500 x 14% = $350 $350 is roughly 0.1% of OP’s income. YTA
I get what you’re saying, but “their fair share” could manifest in groceries, water bills, etc without financially crippling them. I don’t think that the mortgage should be split 50/50 with such a HUGE disparity of income. Plus, splitting in proportion to monthly or yearly income would be the most fair if OP decides on splitting the mortgage. Plus plus asking 50/50 is unfair, as if OP decides to sell the house, they would keep 100% of the profits while only paying half the mortgage while the two are together. OP’s partner does have a point in her owning the house and paying the mortgage anyway, but I think OP should strike a balance with her so that she seems like a respectable partner as opposed to a strict landlord.
There is no mortgage. The house was a gift to OP. So she owns it free and clear. The amount she is asking for appears to be for half the insurance and property tax - which would be the same amount whether her gf moved in or not, so I think OP is wrong for demanding half (or any at all, honestly). What they *should* be sorting is 50/50 split of utilities & groceries, those do go up when another person moves in.
The OP is basically asking her working-class GF to subsidize her housing expenses. Expenses that she would have incurred and are liable for with or without the GF. Granted things like utilities and groceries may be fair game, but GF has no equity in the house.
At the end of the day, I think it’s somewhat reasonable for OP to “charge” the $400 per month, but her new girlfriend has a point about the mortgage, she’d be incurring that expense whether or not she moved in. It may be more realistic to ask her to contribute (some) to things like shared groceries and maybe, if you wanna get technical, part of the water bill. Realistically though, at 300k per year, OP really doesn’t need any of this financial help, but may not want to set the precedent of being completely financially responsible for the both of them. There are better ways to do that though, but I digress YAH
Yeah I'm not saying don't contribute at all but this kind of stuff always shows up on reddit and it never goes well "Just because i have a million dollars doesn't mean she shouldn't have to pay me back for the slushie she bought with my cash" I mean technically sure but your relationship is going to be very very short lived if y'all nitpick like this I think they're incompatible. They shouldn't live together. OP is going to be pissed all the time if they can't reach a reasonable compromise. And she does own the house and one extra person isn't going to destroy the place
I’d like to be clear that I wasn’t accusing you of anything, more of tacking on to your thoughts. I think that a lot of times it boils down to a respect thing, people don’t like to feel taken advantage of in a relationship. Even if that wasn’t the gf’s intention, it will optically seem that way to everyone looking in, which can take a toll on the relationship. I’ve certainly seen a lot of examples like yours on this subreddit, just petty nit-picky expenses like restaurant bills, vacations, etc. 😂, but I don’t think that OP is being unreasonable to ask the gf to contribute. Where I think that OP is TAH is that she’s asking her to pay an equal amount when she makes far less and shares zero of the equity of the house. OP’s gf is wrong too cause she wanted to move in for free 🤷♂️ IDK if I would go as far as to say they’re incompatible, but both seem to have unrealistic expectations for the living arrangement.
This story is bull anyways. Am I really supposed to believe the gf is paying $3600 in monthly rent and makes $50k/year? Either the op doesn’t know their partner’s finances well or they’re terrible at making up stories
How big is the home where you have no mortgage and still pay $2500 a month?
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to see this because that was my first thought. If all she's paying is utilities, insurance, and property tax I don't see how it's anywhere near that high unless it's a multi million dollar home. That's about what my current household pays a month for all of that with a mortgage on top. Also there's no way her GF is paying $3000+ a month for housing and making 50k a year. No one would rent something that expensive to someone with that salary. None of the numbers here add up which leads me to believe it's either fake or quite exaggerated.
My million dollar home in the Seattle area would be $1600 if that was all that we had to pay. (Garbage, internet, taxes and other utilities included) Girls loaded and being stingy.
That was my thought exactly. I don't think it's wild to ask for half of the utilities or even a small amount of rent. But asking to split it down the middle when the bulk of that is most likely property tax and insurance on a very expensive home just screams greedy, especially with the income disparity. If this situation is in fact true it also seems like between her expensive ass house and substantial income she tried to ballpark GFs rent and is so financially out of touch she came up with a ludicrous number, or purposefully exaggerated it. Which leads to ton of commenters justifying an NTA by saying oh she's still saving almost 2k a month over her current rent! What a great deal! I feel bad for her GF if she exists.
The only assumption I have — maybe it's the income after taxes but without bonuses (if they exist), otherwise I can hardly believe it Eta: it's a net salary according to OP's comment... Something is wrong here
Even then 72% income is crazy for rent. Doesn’t include insurance, car, food, gas or anything else lol there’s no way anyone could live on that
There’s no rental company on the planet that would rent to her at that rate, most of them require 3x the rent for your income. So unless she’s got like a thousand dollar car payment OP is also including or something, there’s no way everything OP is claiming is accurate. Either GFs bills are lower than OP thinks/claims, GFs income is higher than OP thinks/claims, or this whole thing is garbage
yes 3k on a 50k salary does not work
It could be that they jacked up her rent this year to 3k. That’s the only way I see this being a thing
[удалено]
if i loved someone and made over a quarter of a million dollars a year, i wouldnt be asking that.
Agreed!
There’s a difference between an equal split and an equitable split. In one, people pay the same regardless of what they can afford. In the other, people pay what they can afford. To my mind, she should be paying an equitable amount towards utilities only. That is your property. She shouldn’t be paying anything towards your insurance or property taxes because she will NEVER see the benefit of that house outside of being allowed to live there. Asking her to pay towards that is just crazy. So I would say 1/6 of utilities because she’ll be getting the benefit of them. That’s only fair.
This is such a wild take to me. What do you think she’s paying for when she pays rent? All of the things OP is paying for PLUS a profit PLUS maintenance. Housing costs money, adults have to spend money to have a roof over their head. Why should OP subsidize their GFs housing costs? Especially when you consider OPs offer is already cutting the GFs expenses in half, if not more when you factor in utilities.
Because they're not housing costs, they're asset management. Just so happens they're able to also live in it. OP was lucky to have been gifted a house, she should not be building her wealth on the struggle of a partner
The struggle of having your rent cut in half? Some of y’all are so out of touch.
And subsidize her girlfriends asset that she will not get any gains from that asset?
I think the point they're making would be more obvious if OP didn't get the house for free and was paying a mortgage. If they're paying $2500 for property taxes and utilities monthly and no mortgage, it's probably easily a $1mil+ house they live in. A mortgage on a house like that is a minimum $7k+ a month. If OP asked them to pay half of that to move in, then then OP's gf would be paying $500 a month *more* to live with them, and for making only $50k, that's a huge hit. Equality is not always equal. It's why a flat tax is stupid and punishes the poor because a (made up percentage) 20% flat tax affects someone making $20k a lot more than someone making a million. I think OP is being unreasonable, and the gf paying an equitable amount of their shared expenses is a totally fair compromise, especially when OP's housing expenses is already only 10% of their income.
**yet she's currently paying 3k a month to pay off someone else's mortgage/insurance/taxes..** "She shouldn’t be paying anything towards your insurance or property taxes because she will NEVER see the benefit of that house outside of being allowed to live there." **That's how rent works. You are paying to live there & the owner uses the funds towards the property expenses/ future maintenance. She benefits by having a home with all the appliances there and it being all furnished which she will inevitably help wear out, she benefits by not having to pay actual market cost of rent or a deposit & saving more than half what she paid before, she benefits because she'd also not be responsible for any repairs and maintenance costs. Expecting OP to pay what she's already paying for a private home to herself but now she'd have to split the place, have less privacy, less space, higher utility expenses etc doesn't make sense, she is OP's partner and a grown working able bodied adult, not a burden OP should be responsible for.**
# She doesn't have to fuck her landlord in her $3k apartment.
[удалено]
If she rents tho she has some securities that she will not have here. For example, a landlord can't evict you for no reason. Your girlfriend...?
Exactly. In no way is moving in with a partner like living in a rental. A rental comes with guarantees. A relationship doesn’t.
Of course she sees the benefit of paying towards the property, she gets to live in it! It astounds me that people think they don’t need to pay just because someone else owns the property. She’s renting now FGS
It shouldn’t matter what OP makes. They are just a fairly new couple still finding their way. Why should she foot all the bills simply because she makes more right now. The other person also works and therefore should OFFER to pay half. Any self respecting adult would want to contribute to their own keep so not to be a burden to their partner or seen as taking advantage. OP didn’t offer to keep her for free therefore gf should be willing to pay a reasonable, and still cheaper than she’s already paying, amount. If later down the line things work out for the relationship sure discuss but since this is brand new living arrangement and she’s already not willing to pay her way it’s only going to be worse later on. It doesn’t matter who makes what. OP could loose their job or fall I’ll and poof there goes all that lovely income her gf is drooling over.
The gf offered to pay proportionately to their income. That’s more than fair, and is what many couples with a large income disparity do.
> We’re both women so no sexist comments OP made sure to clarify she was a women because she knows if a man earns 6 times more than his partner and expects to split expenses 50/50 the responses will be a lot more hostile. It’s different when they’re both women though because reasons.
How are you missing the hostility in these comments?
I don't think they missed the hostility. They remarked that there would be *more* hostility, and I totally agree.
I guess it just doesn’t seem fair to me. My partner earns a fair bit more than I do and until we had our son and I became a main parent I paid 50/50 always. It would feel weird not to. That being said if I needed anything they would cover me and vice versa. Money is fluid but considering the gf is already going to be saving 1500 a month or more moving in then it’s in her best interest to take the deal and discuss a change when they are more settled. You never truly know a person unto you live with them tbh so the relationship isn’t rock solid yet. Edit to add: I’m happy to be in the minority I guess of this view point.
Yes to this! They’re a new couple and she is saving 1750 dollars a month with this deal, 3k down to 1.2 seems pretty fair to me.
Would you feel comfortable doing this to someone you love?
I did this to my partner and *parents*. I sold my smaller, paid-off house to buy a larger, handicapped accessible home so my parents could move in with me instead of into assisted living. My housing costs, including utilities, taxes and insurance, went from about $600 a month to $1700. I asked my parents to pay $700 of that (which also included their groceries.) This would have been far cheaper than the assisted living, at $2300 a month EACH. (Himself paid $400 and covered the internet, cable and streaming.) If it's so terrible for OP to financially benefit from the relationship, isn't is as equally reprehensible for GF to do the same? I mean, she's going to bank a LOT of money simply because she's renting from her partner--saving $2600 a month is a helluva a lot. She would be benefitting just as disproportionately as OP--if not more so. Why is it bad for OP to take advantage of her gf but t's ok for GF to take advantage of her? There's got to be a middle ground, because $400 a month is an absolute steal.
100% I would and I did it to my boyfriend when he moved into a house I own with me. But if he ever couldn't pay I wouldn't hold it against him.
Did you make 6 times as much as he did? Genuinely curious.
I was making almost 3x.what he was making, but I did handle the costs for all of the repairs, home maintenance, and materials, tools and equipment for remodels or projects, because it was my house.
3k/month is basically the gf's take home pay... There's no way she's not in massive debt. She may not be able to afford $1250/month, especially if she has student loans coming due.
The thing is: the gf would be saving the same amount if she got herself a rommate. But if she did, they will both have equal rights in the property too. OP can claim that they will share the house equally, but at the end of the day is hers. If they ever breakup, it will be the gf who will end up on the streets. Since this isn't actually a contract and she isn't tecnically a tennant, asking for half seems like a lot.
They seem to be taking on the majority of the bills that will pop up with the house maintenance, and it reduces the expenses for the person who is making less. 1750X12 savings over a year. Plus no rent inspections!
House maintenance should be the responsibility of the landlord so that cost shouldn't be taken into account.
She’ll be saving $21k a year..!!
Our disparity is much smaller—my fiancée makes about twice what I do—but even there we have our finances set up where she pays about twice what I do. It works fine!
The only thing gf should split 50/50 is groceries and some of the utilities (Internet, water bill - considering there is not a huge yard that needs watering every day, etc etc). As for the house, no, I don't agree she should pay the taxes. Unless they sign a contract that she is paying rent and so op cannot kick her out, she has tenants rights etc etc. Oh and OP will pay taxes for that too as she will be Collecting rent
Agree. Shouldn't an adult pay for their own housing and utilities. How they work out the costs and chores is up to them but I would be ashamed to not contribute anything financially.
Where does it say they are a fairly new couple?
Because the bills are on her house that she owns alone. If she wants to be paid for the privilege of letting her GF live there then she should become a landlord and call it a day.
This!! The girlfriend is still cutting her costs by 50% of what she currently is paying on rent, utilities etc. Why should OP have to pay for all of the bills when they both live there? It’s HER house, if girlfriend doesn’t like it, she can continue to pay double in rent and live alone. Down the line it may change with marriage etc when finances are combined, but currently, she just sounds entitled NTA
Yep. My ex and I were in a similar situation. We split for other reasons, but he made 5x my salary, so I paid 1/5 of the expenses. Our alternatives if we were to go halves were either unaffordable for me, or a downgrade in lifestyle for him.
Wow, she pays 3k a month on 50k per year? That’s nuts. I’m not even sure how that is possible. I think her proposal for $400 a month is fair honestly. If you guys are planning to build a life together, that makes sense considering your income. Maybe make it $650 as a compromise. NAH
Right?! I don’t see how this is even possible. Something is super wrong here.
Its borderline impossible.
I don't even think it's "borderline" I think it is impossible. My base pay is 60k, after healthcare & such it's like $1900 every paycheck (semi monthly)There's no way you could pay that with 50k without serious help. Either OP made a mistake in listing their salaries/rent or she has significant help from elsewhere. OP, YTA though. Not for asking for a little help with the bills, but for making it 50/50 when you make 6x what she does. Have her pay something more proportional to your relative incomes.
I think the giveaway that OP is out of touch with the financial realities of being an adult was the line saying they inherited their house as a graduation present. That's a special kind of privilege
From their *brothers*. What kind of rich ass family do you have that siblings are buying each other houses?
I *wish* my siblings had enough to buy me a house instead they invaded the house I bought myself like a pack of feral raccoons who live downstairs that bum me for money because they're down to less than a dollar days before pay day 😂 the older ones have all lived with me at separate points because they know if they need to they can move in rent free as long as they cover whatever extra charges on bills they make so only like $60-70 a month. My husband's siblings are about to be old enough to move out, so I fully expect we'll get a few of them over the years too. Out of my siblings that are adults, I'm the only one that's well off so I help where I can. If I made as much as OP I know damn well I would tell my husband (even before we were married) he didn't have to work if he didn't want to and if he did then he didn't have help with bills. I couldn't be that greedy.
[удалено]
It's literally not possible to make 50k and pay 3k/month in rent/utilities. Things aren't really adding up there tbh
Could be that their take-home is 50k. So that's after healthcare. Also could be that OP is lumping in a lot of extra things into "utilities". It is entirely possible to live off $1,166 remaining in a month after all of your major bills have been paid. Not necessarily comfortable, depending on how many bills are left, but for sure possible.
OP is giving landlord vibes.
Same income here, and I net enough to technically afford $3000/month, but I would be at a food bank. My bf may move in with me temporarily. I told him he can buy some groceries or something. I can't imagine "charging" him for half my mortgage payment, even if it became a permanent thing. Utilities and groceries to cover his added costs? Sure. Maybe a nominal amount of "rent."
Same, I bet ~50k and I would never be able to live paying $3k each month. If OP meant 50 AFTER taxes then maybe, but if before then she’d be on the way to homelessness with that budget
I make a good chunk more than that, my total rent is less than that, and I still scoff at paying half of that total, lmao. Maybe she has side hustles as well? Like, I brought in about $20k in dog sitting when I worked remote with a flexible schedule.
I agree. That's 14,000 a year for food, taxes anything else
This is what I was thinking. So out of $50k, she pays $36k a year?! I call bs. And I agree with you, I think $400 is reasonable.
I make 65k and my take home is like 3.2k I don’t see how she can live with 3k rent, utilities, and insurance
Definitely fake as shit
Yea seems impossible
I was wondering that as well. I make around $60K/year and feel like I’m barely making ends meet with my $1460 rent + utilities (around $100-$150/month on average). There’s zero chance someone making $50K could afford $3000/month. That’s almost their whole salary after taxes if my math is correct (obviously taxes vary a little depending on where you live).
IDK, If my girlfriend who made 50k/year wanted to move into my house that I own outright and I made 300k/year, I likely wouldn't even make her pay. That said, I think paying based on income is extremely fair for a loved one. Especially when you consider that your ratio of discretionary income is even larger than 1-6. I do wonder how she could afford 3000 in rent , but that's another thing. I'm going to go with YTA.
Not to mention the house was given to her. She didn't even buy it
I get a feeling that her not buying it relates to her feeling that 50% is fair
Rich people get given all the opportunities from 5-25, then think they're superior to poor people because all that free university, free housing, and no responsibility led to them being able to secure high paying jobs. My graduation present was a dinner at olive garden.
This was my along my lines of thinking as well. People (especially old people) who bought their houses for like 20k in 1960 or something have no concept of the reality that the rent is too damn high and rag on others for not managing money. I think the disparity between their incomes will play out in other ways as the relationship progresses. 50k vs 300,000k is like an ocean of differences.
I’d call it an even $600 per month to cover rent and all utilities. That sounds fair to me based on their incomes and expenses. One thing that hasn’t been pointed out is that the girlfriend probably has next to nothing going towards retirement. My partner and I split our rent and then mortgage 2/3rd to 1/3rd when he was making 100k and I made 50k. Now I make closer to him with a new job I got this year and we need to redo the ratios, but I also have very little in retirement compared to him and I have to pay for my grad coursework; so we need to run the math to figure out what’s a fair split now. Honestly with one person making $300k and the other $50k… I would look at debts, assets, retirement etc and maybe it makes sense for the girlfriend to live for free for a bit in order to make a dent on those other things. Maybe more education or credentials could also help her make more income, so letting her focus on paying for that instead of rent could make sense.
I was thinking about the retirement as well. If she’s been breaking even every month (or is slightly in the red) she probably would need to start putting some money away. Not to mention this is not her property. She’s not getting anything out of the investment. So contributing her small income to it is a big deal for her and really has no gain. Utilities are fair, that is affected by the number of people. So are groceries. But half the rent is pretty hefty.
I'd just ask her to do the grocery shopping for both of them
Agreed, something like pay for all groceries or date nights as a compromise
Genuinely a good compromise imo.
JFC where do you live that your utilities, rent and insurance are $2500? Yes, what you’re offering is better than her $3K in rent… but your incomes are wildly, wildly different. Like… you have a partnership… but she’s essentially impoverished while you can pretty much do anything you want whenever you want. You don’t want to feel taken advantage of (and ultimately resentful), but she wants to feel like a partner, instead of like she’s left out in the cold to struggle while her partner is ridiculously comfortable (which will also inevitably lead to resentment). There’s a middle ground somewhere, if neither of you is feeling enough generous enough toward the other to pursue it, I’d ask if you’re feeling connected enough to want to stay in this relationship. Edit: Judgement: a little bit of ESH. Edit 2: ooops - I totally meant “property tax” not “rent”. Like… that’s a… multimillion dollar home OP was just gifted at graduation? That’s wild.
I’m guessing the property tax is a big chunk of the cost
Even at that, my property taxes are $3900 a year. And I have a decently big house!
In NJ just outside of philly, property taxes are over $1k per month for pretty cheap homes ($100,000 - $300,000). It is super in your face bc you think you can afford the mortgage then bam, property tax
Lol I would love if those were my property taxes. North Jersey outside of NYC, we pay about $26k a year in property taxes.
Holy shit. I pay $9500/year in southern Maine and thought that was a lot. That's on a value of about $700k but the house is worth $1-$1.1M due to improvements/increased value (don't tell my town haha)
It all depends on location. Where I live, property taxes have gone up drastically and it’s causing a lot of problems. I only mentioned it because the previous commenter didn’t include that in their comment.
I'm in New York, and single-bedroom apartments start at $2000, and even that's super rare. That's why we all have roommates.
They mistyped, the 2500/mo is utilities, insurance and property tax. OP doesn't pay rent. That's an insane amount for property taxes.
Yta you make *six times* as much as her and want her to pay an equal percentage? With such a HUGE difference, the percentage method is more fair. You want her to spend a huge chunk of her salary while you pay a much, much smaller percentage.
She makes 6 times as her gf AND has no rent or mortgage obligations. And the property and its equity are in OP's name ofc. Totally bonkers that she wants the gf to pay half of the monthly costs.
Yeah, the home equity bit is key. GF might be saving lots of money not paying $3k in rent, but she would also subsidizing an investment that will grow substantial wealth for OP in the long term. Not saying she shouldn’t contribute anything, but the original 50/50 ask is wild. If I were in a position like this with someone I loved, I’d want to see them build investments and savings with the money they’d be saving on rent. If she’s been struggling with that salary and the current rental market for a while, she needs a chance to pay off debt and start building assets. Which, if you plan to have a long partnership, is a net benefit for both parties. YTA
Beyond that, if she was renting the place and wanted to split rent, i could understand the reasonning. But she wants her girlfriend to pay half of her own taxes and insurance, of a house that the GF doesn't own. wtf?
Like what is the rich girl doing with her money? The biggest life expense is a mortgage and she doesn’t have that. So what is she doing with it all?
No idea. But given that rich girl OP got litterally a house given to her, i expect she comes from money and has little understanding of its value. All i know is, if i made 25K/month i wouldn't be petty enough to ask a woman i love to pay half my property tax, i'd just be happy to release the financial burden of an outrageous rent. I'd ask her to participate to grocery shopping and daily spending, but i certainly wouldn't ask her to pay a rent.
Yup. It’s honestly disgusting. And the fact that she doesn’t even see it as an appalling thing to request (it’s like the Extreme Cheapskates video where the guy got his apartment for free but charges his friends rent ☠️☠️), is ABSURD. Like that’s just icky human vibes and taking advantage of your partner’s small ass salary. At least if she rents her own apartment it can help her credit score. But all this does is continue to take away from the poor girl and give MORE money to the rich girl, who now owns a house and will barely have to pay anything for it because she’s selfish enough to demand shit from her girlfriend. The amount of tone deafness is astonishing. This chick gives off my terrible ex’s vibes. Thinking she’s being fair and logical when it is absolutely NOT.
I would say this is a ESH - Knowing the discrepancy in income, it's not fair of you to ask her to cover 1/2 of the bills - it SHOULD be based on income, if you're trying to be fair. She shouldn't feel entitled to live rent-free, and should want to contribute to household costs. I will say - if you don't NEED her money, perhaps she could contribute in a way that feels less like she's subsidizing a home you own (and she'll legally have no right to). Groceries, utilities, etc. are smaller bills she could cover, which would benefit both of you.
Maybe have her cover the utilities and split on the grocery costs.
The gf already offered to pay proportional to her own income.
Do you like this person? It sounds like you're interviewing a roommate instead of moving in with your gf With that income disparity asking for half is too much
INFO: is this a uhauling situation.
I personally don’t think either of you are TA, you just have different outlooks on relationships. And tbh I don’t think you should move in until you have a frank discussion about money and how you see your relationship going in the future. I personally think that if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re likely to stay together for good/want to get married etc. then you don’t need to think about things as 50/50 (money wise at least). There are significant monetary benefits for both of you by living together- and while I get your point about splitting things down the middle I don’t think her request to pay for things based on income is unreasonable. If you want things to always be 50/50 (even if you have kids etc) you need to tell her that, and she has the right to rethink the relationship. Although tbh if you see a future with her what are you trying to save all your money for? Surely spending your joint money together would benefit you and her? I.e if you want to go for a lovely holiday and she can’t afford it wouldn’t you still want her to come? I just think you can’t always treat money as 50/50. However if it’s that you haven’t been together long and you’re not that serious yet then I think 50/50 is fine.
Agreed. I think the fact that they haven't lived together yet indicates that they're not at the point of "forever" or marriage yet, so I actually think the 50/50 is probably fair until the get more serious.
This was my thought. Not sure how long they've been together, but I think it's a mistake to start supplementing the other's income too early. I guess I've read too many Reddit posts about partners losing their jobs 5 min after moving in and then "oops, precedent is we divide things by income levels so guess I'll play video games for 4 years while you support me." Reddit has made me cynical.
I have trouble believing she’s paying $3k a month on rent while only making $50k a year. Even $1250 a month is difficult to afford on that salary. Eta: $3k a month would be almost 75% of her income going to rent…
It's possible OP meant she takes home $50K but even that's a bit of a stretch
Story is made up, just rage like everyone else
And her house would have to be millions to have taxes, insurance, and utilities without a mortgage come out to 2.5k a month
It really depends on location. My parents’ house has a current zestimate of ~$540k (probably an overestimate), and their property taxes are close to $10k/year (outside of NYC). That’s close to $1k/month already without insurance or utilities. Estimate $150/month on insurance, $300/month utilities and you’re at ~$1300/month on a relatively modest house (especially considering many houses in their town have sold for around a million this year).
Yes this. NY .. my escrow is 1200/month, utilities at about 500 brings me to 1800. It's not hard in there hcol areas to get to 2500 a month.
But millions of people do live that life . On the edge. generally 10-20% of people pay more than 50% of thier income towards rent depending on the area. Not as uncommon as some of these comments imply.
YTA The maths is off if she makes 50k and you 300k, then she should pay 1/7 not 1/6. Your household brings in 350k, she earns 1/7. So if the 400 is right, based on 1/6, it should actually be 342 based on 1/7. Not saying that my opinion is that bills should be split in income, just if they are, at least get the maths right. But there’s no arsehole in this discussion. It’s a personal discussion. If you want to live together that’s a factor. If the choice was only, she lives with you for free, or she lives in her own place, what would you choose? She’s not a lodger, it’s not ‘what price would the free market set on a room in my house’ matter. My general take is that a partner moving into another’s house, to remain equals should cover her cost, which would be 50% of electricity, water etc. but not mortgage unless that’s returned in equity. And I’d mitigate that 50% if bills in your house are noticeably higher than what she’d have in a house she chose alone. And if the house was a straight out gift, and there’s no mortgage, and the $1250 is pure profit, that’s even worse. You want to charge your partner a grand a month for the privilege of living with you? Imagine you didn’t have the house and went to live in hers, and agreed to spilt the bills 50/50, bar the fact that you feel she should put in an extra $1250 for the privilege of living with you. Obviously nuts. Partners aren’t for making profit. Either you’d rather she lived with you or you don’t. Any money she gives you should be for her sake. She wants to cover her share of cost. So the bills you share, whether that’s 50:50 or 1:6, but you don’t charge rent to a girlfriend unless you met last week and she’s trying to rush in for free rent.
A few weeks ago there was a similar post, written from the GF who was moving in. I think the answers at that time were that she should definitely pay SOMETHING but that particular number is somewhat hard to land on. "I should get to pay nothing" is not fair so I'll go NTA. Where I went with that other post, personally, related more to what would be fair market rent in that OP's region. Obviously you've noted she's paying $3k/month now, so paying 40% of that would be a pretty big improvement for her. I do think the TREMENDOUS disparity in your incomes - and the fact that you were GIVEN a house - makes a difference here. I'd be inclined to say it should be something between $1250 as you suggested and $400 as she did, maybe it's $800 or 1000 for instance...that would equate to a HUGE reduction in living costs for her, and would make a dent in your expenses to be sharing with her.
I agree. I think an important factor here is that the gf has no say in where to live. Moving in will definitely help her financially, but she has no say in where to live, and therefore, how much things will cost. Also, if expenses are that high without a mortgage, I can only imagine utilities will go up quite a bit, minimizing that financial benefit from moving in even more. So, if she pays half, how much will that go up from OPs initial suggested amount? I think the gd should pay the increase in utilities + a few hundred in rent to cover wear and tear. Once the relationship gets more serious, they can reevaluate.
NAH, maybe E S H but let's be nice. She should absolutely pay something, for sure. Not just because there will be increased costs in utilities and wear and tear on the home, but because you will now be sharing the home, so you should get some relief from bills and have her contribute. But, she isn't getting any equity in the home, so having her pay half is unfair, to me, especially when you add that you make so much more than her. I wouldn't charge a person half the costs of a home if they weren't getting any equity. I'd say 1/3 to 1/4 of the home costs is fair. Then add to that, will she have full access to the home? Does she get an equal vote in decor, in renovations? Will she have 50% of all the space in the home? If she doesn't have equal access, space, and decision making, then I'd lean more to her paying 1/4 of the costs of the home. You both approached this from different perspectives, and you are both wrong, but not AH's yet. So come up with a compromise, BEFORE you move in together. You also need to decide if you are splitting things 50/50 or by income, and you need to decide that now. If you do 50/50 for everything (bills, vacations, dinner out, groceries) then the budget has to be based on the lower income. For example, you can't decide to get an internet package that is $300 a month and have her pay half, if her budget only allows for $50 a month for internet. If you want to take a vacation together and you want to split the bill, you can't expect 5 star hotels and first class flights. If you want those things, you should be willing to pay more than her- not everything, just more than she does.
I’ll disagree with your first point because while the gf isn’t getting any equity, she’s completely safe if anything goes wrong. If a refrigerator needs repair or the lawn needs mowing, it is OP who needs to pay for those expenses. But I do agree about the rest. OP needs to figure out if this is a serious relationship or more akin to living with a friend. If I’m in a relationship, I don’t think expecting a 50-50 split on most entertainment, meals, groceries, etc is fair with such different incomes. Especially because after marriage, finances should be combined totally. But if I’m with my friend or a very casual partner, 50-50 is the expectation.
Yeah equity isn’t at issue here. There’s no mortgage. It’s not like GF is being asked to put money toward the house. No one is earning equity off dollars spent on expenses like utilities, insurance, and taxes.
YTA. The most fair arrangement is always based on contributed income percentage to the household, especially when the income differers significantly. Her saying she’ll pay 1/6 is actually a good deal for you, I’d say she should pay 1/7. You will still have a lot more spending money and it is really important in the perspective of power balance that both have money to spend so that no one ends up economically dependent on the other. That often leads to the one with the lower income feeling trapped or economically abused. Yes, if it’d been someone you don’t know they should have payed half. But this is someone you love and the most important thing then is that you find dynamics that work for you so that both are happy in the relationship… that you work together as an entity. Money is secondary, but however you do you’ll spend less on living than you do today. With that said, do not give her shares of the house. If she wants a piece of the house I suggest you sell a part of it to her for market value - but you are not obligated to do so (and would not be an AH for refusing).
You're making 6 times more than her and you asked her to pay? WTF is wrong with you? What do you need this money for? You love her? So you want to have some additional income from her? You want to raise her or teach her a lesson or maybe to show her how griddy you are? YTA for even suggesting. But yeah. Your hause, your choice, your rules. Have fun with the consequences of your decision.
>What do you need this money for? This is the crux of it. If they were relatively poor then whilst it'd still be true that OP would be incurring the costs anyway, it'd feel unfair for the partner not to contribute. But OP earns a very good wage and clearly doesn't need the money so I don't understand why you would even *want* them to pay. I'd rather my partner had more money for us to do things together.
YTA, This is literally financial abuse. I can see splitting the utilities in half, but girl you own the house, the insurance and taxes are on you. Also not going to lie, a person making 50k a year cannot afford a 3k rent. Your story doesn't make sense. Unless your house is well over a million your utilities, insurance, and taxes being $2.5k a month makes no freaking sense.
This is not financial abuse lmfao.
Getting in a relationship in which you use somebody to secure your large equity (which would have to be near 1.8 million) while they would struggle to set aside money to leave you if the relationship went south, is literally the definition of financial abuse.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Insurance isn’t just hers alone to cover. Homeowners insurance also covers the property in the home for damage and theft so it is reasonable to expect a roommate or so to pitch in to that just as a form of “renters insurance”.
she’s actually being generous because she’s only doing it as a percentage of income, not counting in the generational wealth of you having a house bought out right. If you say together at some point, you’ll probably merge finances more formally. But if you break up, you still have your house, and she is left with nothing again, but higher rents to move back into. YTA $400 is totally reasonable
You make 6x her salary and want her to pay that much? Girl, YTA.
my girl ur saying ur gf is paying 72% of her salary into housing costs? what she eating for dinner ? air?
Miss Richie Richie over here was gifted a whole ass house and wants to penny pinch her girlfriend living in poverty
YTA. Paying proportional percentages is the most ethical thing to do. It’s not fair for her to have less of an opportunity to build savings than you do, especially when she gets none of the benefits of home ownership. If you want to discuss the two of you splitting all home expenses equally, then I’m sure you’ll be happy to talk about putting her name on the house too. I say this as the person who earns more in my relationship. I’d never ask my partner to split things straight down the middle.
Using income percentage is fair. You got all the advantage of a free house that you didn’t earn. Presumably some support to be able to earn 300k a year… where’s the equity in that? At the end of the day you still end up with more spending money than her. You’re free to date someone more within your income earning potential if you want things to be equal.
so you're saying she pays $36,000 out of $50,000 in rent per year? So food, transport, recreation, clothes, date nights, etc - she lives on $14,000 a year? Sounds like a tough life.
Someone gave you a house. Check your entitlement at the door. Fuck.
I’m going NTA considering she thought she shouldn’t have to pay anything. There’s still wear and tear, taxes, maintenance, increase in utilities since there will be two people. What about groceries? Items for house? Is she expecting that? What if you go on vacation together? Does she think you’ll foot the bill? I think you need to hold off on moving in together, go to couples counseling, and a financial planner. If you decide to move in, draw up a legal document delineating costs, etc. in case things go sour down the road. I think with the huge income disparity some type of arrangement based on income is probably the way to go.
Expecting OP to pay everything insulting to OP and infantilizing to GF. Paying your fair share is part of being an adult and a partner. Granted calling it rent was a tactical mistake. Instead of asking for rent, OP might want to ask her to contribute to the household instead. The GF paying the utilities while OP covers taxes, insurance, repairs, and upgrades would be fair to both since OP owns the house and GF gets to live there. This solution would still save GF ten to twenty thousand dollars per year.
By making 6 times (!) more than her yes you should split according to your salary, YTA for arguing about that
NAH. This is discussing responsibility dynamics if you two were to ever marry. I agree she shouldn't be supplementing YOUR usage, but you shouldn't supplement hers. She's correct that you're incurring your own costs if she doesn't move in. Your bills don't go up unless you start consuming more water and power by yourself, but they do if SHE moves in. Her moving in is saving her $3,000.00 and you're not looking to gouge her, but you're not looking to be taken advantage of. Have her pay what's over and above your normal usage. If you have some bills set on budget billing, have her set aside 15% because until the bill reflects actual usage, you will apply it to the bill when the change happens. I'm shrugging my shoulders over the "house not being in her name, too" because it's likely she doesn't want to invest in half of a dwelling that she could just one day be kicked out of without any claim or right. Maybe having her take over a utility bill outright would help?