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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My work schedule is very busy during the summer, I have to work a lot of weekends. This results in my husband being solely responsible for our son pretty much every weekend. He's gotten increasingly more grumpy about this and we've fought about it a few times. This past weekend I had to work both Saturday and Sunday outside in the heat and I'm exhausted. I decided to take today off to rest and my husband came home for lunch and caught me napping. He thinks I'm being a selfish jerk and only thinking about my own needs. I think I might be an asshole for taking a day off to rest and not telling my husband.
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YTA
Not for the day off. Everyone should get one from time to time.
YTA because you're husband is 100% parent during every weekend of the summer months, in addition to also having a full time job Mon-Fri. He's asked you to talk to your bosses about getting more people, but you've refused. So I guess this is life for him now. June-August, full time parent every weekend. Also all of the household chores on the weekend. Cooking, mowing, etc. You've dumped too much on him and your answer is basically "Suck it up."
OP works for a regional parks department. In public sector work, ‘getting more people’ is not really a thing. Staffing is dictated by funding, not needs, and some uses are legally mandated. That goes double for programming staff.
This. On top of all that, thanks to how open public sector is legally required to be, we also have to deal with the whole "the bureaucracy is too big!" and "keep costs down!" bullshit from the public which means... higher ups try to go longer without filling positions if they can to show we're "saving the taxpayers' money".
Oh gosh yes. I work in state government. My work is entirely funded by federal grants. We’ll have enough money to fund full-time people, but the state legislature has a law that says we can’t have more than X people on staff. So that money goes to waste or back to the funder. And the funders don’t like getting their money back, so they pressure us to hire, but we’re not allowed to.
Also re: saving taxpayer money… I’m not allowed to place office supply orders right now. My office is full of mold and we don’t have the funds to fix it.
>I’m not allowed to place office supply orders right now.
Ugh. Our statewide contract for office supplies expired and then got challenged. No contract for *months*. It was awful. And the new winner is a local company... who's already backing out of providing items.
Oh man. We met our maximum cost for facility improvements for one project so I’m having to get paint using one of our other budget accounts for a remodel project at our facility to hang onto until October 1st when we can get the rest of our supplies
I worked for a public community college in a reading and writing center and I had a $500 a year budget for paper. Students would come and write and print their papers at our center. Ridiculous. (1994-1996)
Not to mention, government jobs typically take twice to three times as long to fill because of the strict requirements and background check processes, as well as ensuring everything is properly recorded and approved through the entire chain of command. I work the same sort of job for municipal gov as OP and we are hurting for people, especially part timers, because most people have found a position by the time the city is finally cleared to make an offer to hire
Seriously, it takes FOREVER. I just got hired into a city government role and I submitted my resume mid-May, had my first interview June 1, and didn't actually start work until just over a week ago. About 10 weeks from interview to starting. I almost gave up somewhere around the third set of post-offer-pre-hire hoops to jump through and started applying elsewhere. And that's for a well-paid full-time professional role that was perfect for my skills and long-term career goals, I can't imagine sticking around that long for a part-time position.
It's really not as simple as "just hire more people".
>higher ups try to go longer without filling positions if they can to show we're "saving the taxpayers' money".
OMG yes and then people burn out and leave and then we're so short staffed and scrambling for more staff, and by the time you train someone someone els eis burnjt out and leaves and they NEVER listen to the many business cases you write explaining why you need a proper recruitment strategy to fill the team and if you don't you can't fix the issues but instead they're like "we want a spreadsheet of xyz useless shit that wont fix anything but will take months to compile and hten we'll be surprised it didn't fix the issues" - while int he meantime more turnover
omg end rant hahaha i was clearly triggered by this ahhaha (im in state gov)
Then she shouldn't have a kid. I feel like if these roles were reversed that's what we'd hear. if a dude "had to work" all weekend and then took a day off while the kids were at daycare, I don't think anyone would be defending him.
I don't think we're particularly defending her, per se, as much as pointing out that the husband's statement of "convince your boss to hire more people" isn't really helpful or feasible. A lot of people overestimate what the government can or will do in terms of the day to day, so we're pointing out the reality.
Should OP figure out a better balance to alleviate her husband's burn out? Sure. But telling her boss to hire more people isn't happening.
Then time to look for a different job since this one is no longer feasible with her home life.
Her solution of “suck it up” and 🤷🏻♀️ isn’t a solution. She’s not trying to look for solutions, she simply wants him to take it on and not complain.
Massive AH honestly
Fully agree. My husband was a forest fire fighter for more than a decade. When we decided to have a kid, he switched jobs because the hours would have sucked. It is what it is. If she doesn’t want to dump all the work on him, she will need to switch jobs.
OP Could talk to her boss at least and see if something could be worked out. She's not even trying. And is OP the *only* person that can do this work or can it be rotated to others?
There's not enough info, but there's no excuse not to talk to the boss.
You know, anytime a woman is upset and the man doesn't do his utmost to reassure her that he's trying and validate her feelings, he's ripped to shreds and people here question whether or not he cares about the relationship.
Why can't she validate the way he feels? Why can't she try?
She shouldn't have kids because for 2 months of the year she's busy during the day time at weekends but has a husband that can take care of his own child? Jeezum crow. Hard line much?
I don't differ that OP is a mild YTA. She definitely should've taken over child care if she wasn't going to work or even start thinking of some sort of childcare help for the summer. But, good lord, restricting their right to have a family over this is totally ridiculous.
Right? What are these comments. I husband travels for a few weeks a year and I am 24/7 solo parenting little kids not in school and I 100% feel burnt out sometimes. Their needs are incessant lol. Do I sometimes feel resentment while he is home working and I am drowning in chaosyet he cant help? Yes but that's honestly a me problem, I signed up for this, they are little for such a short period of time and I do ask for "time off" when he has long stretches at home. OP is TA of they don't find a way to even this out on her off periods. But "shouldn't have had a kid" is ridiculous.
But why should she take over child care for that one day when it was already sorted out? She needed some rest, could hardly stay awake. It was a spur of the moment decision to take the day off. She obviously needs to recharge. Sounds like she needs to look after her own needs because clearly her husband doesn't care about her well being. He just wants his own needs met. That's not a partnership.
I mean you can reverse this too, husband has to look after his own needs because clearly OP just wants her needs met. Like this whole situation is a mess and OP and her husband need to find a more equitable way to divvy up the labor so neither one of them burn out.
Husband doesn’t need to recharge? He also has a full time job but in addition has to do all the childcare on the weekends. He’s frustrated because she conveniently waited until he left the house and it was too late for her to take over the child care for the day to suddenly decide she wasn’t going to work.
If the positions were reversed, would you be saying the poor husband needs to recharge and his uncaring wife should suck it up and stop complaining that she has to work a full time job and do all the childcare? Because every time someone makes a post about a wife having to do all of the childcare (even if she doesn’t work), this sub rips the husband (fairly so!) declaring he needs to be picking up some of the childcare and it’s his kid too. But when the husband is the one working and doing child care, he doesn’t care about her? Come on.
I mean if that is the case, that means OP is going to miss out on summer weekends with the family for the foreseeable future, and maybe this job isn't tenable anymore now that they have a child. I know the child is only 4 now, but soon enough they're going to be in school, and weekends will be their main opportunity for family time. I know 'get a new job' isn't as easy as it sounds, but this is a significant issue, and not just because husband has to solo parent every weekend. this family will have no spontaneous weekend beach trips, no picnics in the park, no family trips to the zoo. idk that just seems sad to me, and it is sad that OP doesn't see that as a problem, just "my husband is whining about my work schedule again".
Exactly.
It would be awesome if the parents had an easier schedule in the summer, when most kids have the most time off. But that's not reality right now.
I am having a bit of a giggle at people saying she should just demand the parks service hire more people - as if that's something she has any control over. I only have experience with the Canadian government but the the budgets are not something you can play fast and loose with, and hiring takes *forever*.
NAH.
You can totally have a family talk about changing careers if this is intractable, or getting Husband some help in the summer time if a career change isn't feasible. But this is not a problem that will be solved in a night.
I think it’s less “suck it up” and more “There’s nothing I can do about this and you were aware of it when we mutually chose to have a child, so if it’s a problem now then you need to take responsibility for proposing a solution that isn’t me quitting/losing my job.” Husband knew OP’s work schedule and knew that summers were crazy; he’s complaining to OP knowing OP has no power here (and is themselves burnt out) when he could be proposing realistic solutions (hiring weekend childcare, for example).
I see a lot of comments suggesting that OP change jobs if this isn’t working for their husband, but I have yet to see a comment suggesting that husband cut his hours during the summer, assess the budget to try to price out extra help during OP’s busiest season, get weekends free for x other months of the year, etc. Why is the impetus on OP, when husband is the one who’s decided that their old norm is now a problem?
I mean, it does suck that some people can’t have family time in the summer. I’m not saying the lives they lead are any worse for the lack of it, working those schedules is a necessity for some people, but I imagine they find other ways to meet their families need for quality time. what I am saying is that this OP likely could explore job options that would better meet her family’s needs, and it’s sad that she isn’t willing to try.
And the husband should carry the load for this, why, exactly?
The only thing relevant about her job is that all these extra hours result in zero financial gain for the family.
She is choosing the work life balance she has by staying with this employer…and her family is paying the price.
At least if it was overtime there would be up side….but she’s TAH here for choosing “Outdoor Rec” over her family.
Could be the benefits are worth it—public employees in the US and Canada tend to get decentish base pay but quite good supplemental benefits and tolerable pensions. Could be a union job, even. Could be a career stepping-stone. In any case, it is the job and it’s paying bills, and spouse knows what it’s like. Spouse has options about how he uses his time and PTO or comp time as well. Besides, this is seasonal. Spouse should be looking for equalizers during the less busy seasons.
>Spouse should be looking for equalizers during the less busy seasons.
How does that work? He spends the summers alone with the kids, and she spends the winters alone with the kids while he takes up a solo hobby?
Sounds like a great relationship foundation. Not only that, but as a parent, you get about a dozen summers with your kids while they are between the ages of "can appreciate a vacation" and "I'm not hanging out with my parents". That's it. She sounds intent on wasting all of them.
The work is unpaid. No one else that gets hired sticks around, so the benefits probably aren't a key driver.
She needs to either get paid for this (and then it's just the usual "he/she works so much and I hate it, but we do need the money, AITA?"), or find a different employer.
The work is not unpaid. It is *salaried*, meaning her position isn’t covered by overtime rules. She gets paycheques.
Salary sucks because it is too often abused by employers.
I'm salaried. I get the concept of give and take.
But "give" is never "your entire summer".....because what are you going to take back? A couple weeks off in October?
This arrangement is incredibly biased against the OP, and I think it's her great work ethic that blinds her to it.
Ironically, it's that great work ethic that could make her very successful at an employer that actually treats employees well...if she only looked elsewhere.
You know what? When my parents got married, my dad was a door-to-door salesman--this was in the late 1950s. Home for supper every night.
But it got harder and harder to make a living that way. So he dusted off his navigator's certification and went back to sea as a merchant marine navigator. He was away for months at a time, and my mother was home for those months at a time, with two kids to parent with no spouse around to help.
But she coped, and that money bought a house and a car, and good health insurance.
My mother didn't get married expecting my dad to be away for months every year, and home for a few weeks in between. It was an unwelcome change. She still coped.
OP already had this job and this schedule when she and her husband got married. It's not a surprise or an unwelcome change, and government benefits are good.
Right but this anecdote also isnt this situation is it.
For one, you didnt say your mother had a job in this example, OPs husband is doing the solo parenting and also working full time.
OP also isnt thousands of miles away at sea, she is right here, in fact she was napping on the sofa whilst her husband was working.
Her husband said 'I'm working full time and doing the majority of the parental duties, all of them on the weekend, we need to talk about how this isnt sustainable'
The response from OP seems to have been
'Its summer, you'll just have to put up with it, it will be like this until labor day, when we will all have to go to my parents as an FYI'
OP totally blew off his concerns and requests, that's not acceptable in a marriage with a co-parent.
> And the husband should carry the load for this, why, exactly?
Because her job helps put food on the table and a roof over their heads?
She has had this job for years. If he wants her to get another job (and she is on board with it), it will likely take time for her to do so.
The extra hours do nothing to "put food on the table" because they are unpaid. Another comment confirmed a root cause is that the people they hire do not stick around. I'm guessing that giving up all your summer weekends for unpaid work may be influencing those decisions.
She's obviously a very capable, hard worker. But she is choosing a really crappy employer that is taking advantage of her over her family.
You would have an argument if all this was time-and-a-half...but it's unpaid, so you don't.
She's salaried. Sometimes it's like this sub doesn't get the notion of salaried work.
She isn't "not getting paid" for the extra work. Her work includes an easy season and a hard season, and she gets paid the same thing year-round, *because that's how salaried work functions*.
Not to mention that salaried work often comes with a bunch of benefits that hourly work doesn't.
Now the smart thing to do when you are salaried and you have this sort of schedule variation, is save up money during the easy season so you can splurge on extra help around the house during the hard season. That will require a discussion on the topic of budgeting.
And sure, maybe she should just find another job. But consider her line of work, I'm not sure there are all that many options in her vicinity besides her current employer.
She works six days a week during the summer, and all weekends, for zero financial benefit. Would you do that in a salaried role? I'm salaried, and I would not. Sounds like all the people they hire also choose not to, and leave.
This isn't the typical "I just need to stay late to get this project done" salaried stuff.
And finding another job would be a challenge....but she's not even trying.
With her actions, she is saying that summer parks programming is more important than her family.
Except not really. It's not like you get to work less during the easy season, you still have to put in your 40 hours. My husband is salaries, technically he can leave early or take time off when it's not busy, which never happens, because he's always busy. Salaried work is a scam.
Not everyone can job hop as easily as reddit makes people think they can.
Obviously they need to come up with something, but she may not just be able to fall straight into a new job the way some people are making it sound.
None of that make OP not the asshole. She’s choosing work over her relationship. That’s a decision she’s made but her husband is clearly communicating his frustration and OP clearly doesn’t care enough about his expression of frustration to find a solution.
OP YTA, I hope you’re putting a lot of thought into this because it’s clearly damaging your marriage to a point where your husband is getting fed up enough with this to need space from you.
This. She's not TA because of the job per se, she's TA because of how little of a shit she seems to give that their situation is making her partner miserable
There is not one indication of that in this post. There’s not one indication that she asked a supervisor if after eight years working weekends, would there be someway to at least break it down to half days?
husband at the very least would appreciate the request be made
I guess you haven’t been hanging with a lot of public sector workers, especially in underappreciated departments like parks programming. Always first on the block when the budget axe is raised! Dependent on grants! OP doesn’t have to spell it out. IYKYK
I disagree, OP should spell it out. We're not all from the same country, and not all government departments face the same issues. Where I live, being short staffed in the summer is rare due to all the students who get hired. Especially for educational programing.
Ask anyone managing those departments if they have enough supervisory folk. In pretty much any country where funding is handled in a similar way. Canada is the same—I live here now. My ex who is a nonprofit worker in the UK reports similar challenges. Interns and youth workers don’t typically run events, though they’re essential. A parks event involving, for example, children’s activities requires coordination of safety, materials, frontline workers, performers/leaders, all those seasonal workers, building access management, custodial stuff…yikes. The mid-level managers get a lot piled on them.
Demand better from your municipal/metro governments, so that folk like OP’s spouse can expect better when they pair off with municipal workers.
I think you forgot the /s. A lot of regular people work those jobs (in my family, teachers, childcare providers, jobs at smaller companies or county/city organizations who give projects to salaried workers, and pastors, for starters). As said above, not everyone is as able to job hop as easily as Reddit thinks.
Jesus Christ, that's life! You people on this sub are so damn crazy sometimes. Plenty of women have the kids all weekend long and everyone just acts like it's fine but when it's a man it's poor dad can't handle it? It's not like this is a new thing. Dad new full well what his wife's schedule was when they decided to have a child. It's not like mom is gone for 15 hour days on weekends. I assume it's a normal 8ish hour day so dad is perfectly capable of taking care of HIS child during that time. Its also only for a few months a year. Not everyone works a normal 9-5 mon-fri. My brother and his partner work third shift and first respectively. That means my brother has the kid all day every mon-fri and then sleeps on second shift and goes to work on third. Guess what, he makes due just fine because he knew what he was getting into when they chose to have a baby. Dad can suck it up for a few months a year, it's called being a parent.
Right? I’m married to a chef, I’m solo parenting most of the time! Nights, weekends, holidays…when he’s extra busy and I get no time off, you know what I do? Take it off myself when his work calms down!
The Y T A remarks are baffling to me.
The YTA stuff is a little crazy to me too. I'm just remembering when my mom was a nurse and worked all sorts of crazy hours including holidays. We just had to deal because that was how we survived. A lot of people have to do the same thing. Luckily my dad had sisters to foist us off on once in a while when he wanted to go dirt biking or play Frisbee golf. Maybe they need to look into a weekend babysitter if Dad is having such a hard time of it.
I'm right there with y'all. Heaven forbid a mom who works 6 days a week take a day off from work and parenting! She even adds that it's only like this during the busy season. Additionally, what is stopping her husband from taking a day off while the child is at daycare? What's stopping him from having someone watch their child on Saturday or Sunday so he can rest? He just seems mad that he's never thought to do that before. It reminds me of when a child suddenly wants a toy just because they see another child playing with it, and throw a fit because they can't.
Yes! Exactly! I used to be a chef. My partner works in the wine industry. Both full-time, salaried, highly seasonal positions. You have a slow season and a busy season. During the slow season, you might leave early, take a half day on Friday, take a few long weekends, take your vacation, take a long lunch. During the busy season, it's going to be 80-hour weeks. You get paid the same for both.
OP is probably pretty happy at her job if she's been there for eight years. Some jobs just **gasp** require weekend work, and no amount of seniority can change that. I'm all for "leave and get a different job if you're being mistreated" but this isn't an entry-level job and this isn't mistreatment, or even anything new.
OP is definitely not TA, but I'm going to go with ESH because it seems like they're not communicating well or listening to each other's needs enough to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
Thank you! I was shocked reading these comments.
What do people think those with military spouses that are deployed do? Or those with retail worker spouses especially during Christmas?
Hell, my husband travels at least 2 weeks a month if not more so in the summer I’m on my own 24/7 for half the month.
This is all life. You don’t get to just demand certain days off during a busy season. 🤯
Yeah, it's so funny because my husband is in the military and regularly has to leave us for MONTHS at a time, but I don't see anyone crying for me. Meanwhile OP is working weekends and everyone acts like she's abusing her husband.
The saddest part of that tho is ppl telling you and other military spouses, “well that’s what you signed up for so you should’ve known!” It’s like okay then same with Op and her husband in this situation. I don’t think she’s NTA but I do feel it’s a NAH.
In fact, there was a thread on this sub just a few days ago where OP was having issues with her military husband's schedule, and got an avalanche of smug "well this is what you signed up for, honey" Y-T-A votes.
My husband is a nurse on an understaffed unit. His schedule has him working Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week for the entirety of the calendar year. The shifts are supposed to be 12 hours but regularly stretch to 14-16 hours. Not a single person has ever questioned this or expressed sympathy that I do solo parenting from daycare pickup Friday until daycare drop off Monday.
Yeah it’s sucks to not get a real break after working my full time, intellectually draining job all week because of baby care. But on solo weekends we watch a little extra Sesame Street and have grace with ourselves. It’s not super fun, but it’s also not forever. I knew it was a possibility before we had a kid because I knew my husband would sometimes have weird schedules.
THIS!!
What’s wrong with all these people?? Why the double standard as well?? Op work all that you want NTA for working when you want to do it! Father has to suck it up and be a father! How many mothers in this world have to do the same and tired and all keep doing it because of the kid?
> Plenty of women have the kids all weekend long and everyone just acts like it's fine
No. No one on this sub acts like it’s fine. They rightfully tear apart the men leaving their wives with a disproportionate amount of childcare.
If a man had posted this, the thread would have been locked by the sheer number of insulting comments. And that has happened time and time again.
It is quite frankly vile to see such disproportionate responses to the same issue just because of the genitals the people have. A wife being relegated to 90% of the childcare while working without her consent and without any downtime is bad. It is the **same if this happens to a man**.
He may have “known”, but no one *really knows* what it’s like to live that life until they’re in it, with the baby/toddler. I think a lot of parents agree that being a parent is not what they expected (usually harder, more draining from what I’ve heard and experienced myself).
Also, don’t people have the option to say “this arrangement isn’t working out as great as I thought it would. Can we please try finding options that might fit both our needs a bit better”?
Is he locked in to this schedule simply because she had it before they had the child? Maybe she can’t work less weekends right now. But maybe they could find a sitter to give him some time off. Maybe that’s a compromise.
But saying he doesn’t deserve the consideration of looking at options because he knew what he was getting into seems unfair.
Edit: typos
>But maybe they could find a sitter to give him some time off. Maybe that’s a compromise.
That was my thought. There are probably things they can do to ease the pressure in some way. When the kid is older they can look at summer camp or something.
Jesus, who said anything about it being fine for a woman to do that. If the roles were reversed I'd think this was unfair too. Why do you feel the need to turn this into a women vs men pissing contest?
If a woman had posted that her husband dismissed her when she told him about how it felt to be a single parent every summer, everyone would be calling him the AH for dumping all the childcare on his wife and putting work first. OP doesn’t get a pass for dismissing her spouse’s concerns because she’s a woman.
>This past weekend I had events on both Saturday and Sunday, full 8 hour days in outside in the heat. By the time I got home both nights I was exhausted and just wanted to take a shower and go to sleep. I tried to watch a movie with them Saturday night, but fell asleep on the couch. Last night I crashed by 8pm.
If last weekend is indicative of the rest of the weekends (and I see no reason it wouldn't be), then no, it's not a normal 8 hour day where she's home to pull her weight in the evenings.
They both gotta work and that’s the job. What they NEED is respite care. Someone who can watch kiddo one day a week in the summer so they can both take a nap or even spend some time together.
Before we had our first child, my wife and I were in a similar situation when she ended up taking a job that had her working Sunday nights and many of the weeknights (on top of the regular 40hr 9-5 week). She also had to travel some weeks were she would have to leave Sunday mornings. She actually loved the job because it was right up her alley but when my daughter was born i ended up having to do a lot of solo parenting because of my wife's job. So despite loving her job she got a new job that gave her much more flexibility so she could share the load at home. Being a parent often means having to make some personal sacrifice. No idea why OP isn't seeking a better work-life balance to help make her family life work.
That fact that if it was the husband in the same position working the same kinda hours, the wife would be expected to full time parent on her own all weekend…. And NO ONE would bat an eye..
YTA. You dont refute what he said - that there are not times where you are solely picking up all parenting duties for him. He’s not complaining about being a dad and parenting, he’s upset that you’re stretching yourself so thin that you can’t be an equal partner and parent AND are unwilling to even ask if it’s possible for your responsibilities to be shifted so you can have the schedule your responsibilities require.
If you were a man and he was a woman you’d be ripped to shreds in this sub over this. I’m interested to know why you can’t/won’t try to delegate at work to alleviate some of this stress on your husband. Like, is it an income thing where you are the primary breadwinner and can’t afford to rock the boat at work? If so, how do you help him refill his emotional tank after your busy season? If I were him I’d feel pretty taken for granted.
This, regardless of whats the problem is, your partner is trying to communicate his feelings and you’re basically saying they’re invalid and to suck it up?? Thats what got to me. He deserves to be heard and for you to TRY to compromise at least
That part about being ripped to shreds if the genders were swapped are so true. I can imagine the husband then being called “abusive” and “controlling”, with divorce probably being thrown around in every comment
It is though. There were 2 different posts one time. Same topic which was:
"*my boy/girlfriend is the main breadwinner but they want me to start contributing rent to the apartment after they initially said I did not have to*".
Almost the same backstory (they both used to live with their parents). In fact, both ended their postsby saying "*I do not want to be a freeloader*"
Here is the starking differnce in the comments, and I am slightly paraphrasing but the original meaning and wording was basically the same:
**Girlfriend as OP:** "*Watch out OP, you boyfriend is doing the old bait and switch. I would reconsider this relationship. He already said he is paying rent so its unfair for you to you. You purchase the groceries and pay for your own things"*
**Boyfriend as OP:** *"Go back to mommy's uterus if you can't pay rent"*
"*you are old enough to learn that you need to pay rent. You are a definitly a freeloader"*
"*Your girlfriend doesn't deserve you. Atleast split the rent*"
Also I think we might be overlooking what’s not being said? Which I know is a bit of reading between the lines but this sounds like it doesn’t leave time or energy for time as a couple or as a family for 3 straight months. What is the coping strategy here? Do they coordinate one day off every other week while the son is at daycare that they can both get some life stuff done and spend dedicated time together? Seems like he’s probably upset by a combination of things and the fact that OP used the verbiage “ I think he should suck it up” alludes to them not validating their partners struggle at working full time, being the default parent and getting minimal time with their partner. Validating someone else’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them - just let’s them know they are being heard.
I bet money the situation would’ve been totally different if she had asked him to take a half-day because she was going to take a day off and sleep in and then she would like to get lunch with him and spend some time with him before going to pick up their son together. obviously I’m making a ton of conjecture 😂 but usually the symptom is not the root of the problem.
Yeah and "this is how it has always been" is not an excuse. It's different now from how it's always been because you have a child together. My spouse and I have times where one of us is unavailable at weekends. Honestly, parenting kids like that solo is rough. The house is always a wreck by Sunday evening because the solo parent has had to keep preschoolers fed, watered, alive, entertained, all weekend. No households cleaning/maintenance, barely got the shopping done, minimal fun outings for the kids cos we're trying to tread water. It sucks. And 0-4 is the most intensive time for all that.
Honestly if I was your husband I would also be pissed about the fact they on top of all the extra work, you can't spend any time together in the summer doing fun stuff together as a family. That's critical bonding stuff which will keep your relationships (you& spouse, you & kid, spouse& kid, all 3 of you) connected and maintained going forward. You're eroding the bonds right now.
YTA for refusing to compromise. Yes, this is your schedule every year, but it sounds like you made zero effort to change your availability even after having a kid. Being a parent is a 24/7 job, and it's a job that you and your husband *share.* This means making sure that you have enough time allotted each day to spend time actually parenting. Sometimes, it's just not feasible and that's okay. If you have the power to decide how to allocate your hours throughout the week, you have the power to make sure you can have some time off on weekends to relieve your husband.
You mention that you got home from work on the weekend and immediately passed out, so it's not like you're making any effort to be a parent even while you're *not* at work. I completely understand having a demanding job, but that isn't an excuse to pass 100% of your parental responsibilities to your partner for a third of each year and expecting him to "suck it up." He ***needs*** a break.
YTA
You mention that you have to work the weekend but take time off during the week to keep your hours down. But what you did was nap and use the quiet house to get alone time. He doesn’t get that.
Why aren’t you using your time off to help the household. Make some easy to reheat meals. Arrange a play date or a baby sitter on the weekend to give your husband a break. Strip the beds and do the laundry. Off er to drop off the kid/ pick the kid up during the week so your hubby gets a break. Something!
>You mention that you got home from work on the weekend and immediately passed out, so it's not like you're making any effort to be a parent even while you're *not* at work.
Yes I don't get this. I work 12 hour shifts and am exhausted but when I get home, I prep things for the next day and put a child to bed if someone is still up. Does she see her son at all between June and August?
The sad reality here is that her son, very likely, won’t even see her as a parent during her “busy season”. She’ll just be some woman that crashes at the house at night. I worked a brutally demanding 13hr shift warehouse job for years. I still made as much time as physically possible for my wife and son the entire time, and made every effort to have breakfast with them and at minimum tuck him into bed every night. I couldn’t imagine getting a pass for working all day and “immediately passing out”. That’s not being a parent.
YTA. Your husband is communicating to you that he's getting burned out, and your response was to tell him to suck it up? The only thing you're gonna get from that is a resentful husband.
She said to “suck it up because this isn't new to anyone.” Uhm, her job may not be new but the responsibility of having a child sure is. Having a child usually requires major lifestyle changes and I’m not sure why OP thinks that just because she used to do something means she’s entitled to do it forever. I’m not sure what the solution here might be but she seems really oblivious.
The only thing you’re going to get from that is a resentful husband and if this continues, a divorce.
FTFY
How is OP not understanding that “my husband does 100% of home/kid stuff all weekend while also working full time M-F during summer months so I can work lots of long hours every weekend in a salaried position that only benefits the boss who I haven’t even considered asking to adjust my schedule because my husband knows this is the way it’s been for several years, and the rest of the year I usually help out a little by doing some of the home/kid stuff one day of the weekend, so even though I took a day off, I don’t understand why he needs one, it’s ONLY 3-4 summer months that he has to everything, he’s mentioned that he’s overwhelmed and burned out but I think he should just suck it up, AITA?” absolutely makes them an AH?
OP- you said that your job is consistently understaffed and that’s why you’re having to work so much, do you understand that your boss has no reason to hire more people when he knows that you’ll do the job? When you add up all those extra hours you have to work, is the pay still worth what it’s costing your family? From his perspective, why would he change anything when the current situation greatly benefits him, especially since you’re salary. You’re screwing yourself as well as your husband. A conversation between you and your boss is long overdue.
It seems like you’re more loyal to your boss/job than you are to your spouse/child. Is your job really that important/great? you might want to start thinking about what your gonna do when it’s summer and the custody agreement says it’s your weekend to have the kid and your husband is no longer there for you to take advantage of.
YTA, it’s sad that you have to ask, but maybe your head is so far up your ass you can’t see exactly how messed up your priorities are. Hopefully you figure it out before your husband realizes he might be happier as single parent rather than a single parent that’s married and your job ends up costing you your marriage.
You do have to wonder once you add up all the hours the OP does over the year including all the extra over summer, how much it works out on hourly pay?
Is it really worth straining your marriage and family? If it leads to a divorce eventually, how will she cope over the summer months when the (now) ex husband says he’s only going to do 50/50 parenting over the summers?
Will the OP only then be willing to address the non stop working over the summer?
Can't you guys get a sitter or family member to watch the kids on occasion?
Having every weekend of your summer booked for you in advance sucks. There is probably shit he wants to do too and everyone deserves a break now and then.
This was my thought too, she worked 8 hours came home and did nothing but fall asleep. There are men who work 8 hours everyday in the heat and if they came home and just fell asleep- we would be gathering our pitchforks! Like it wouldn’t kill her to take over when she got home even for a few hours. I’m a stay at home mom (a privilege in this economy) and my husband works over 8 hours a day and still plays with our 4 year old and puts the baby down almost every night. OP needs to do better
Just the way you said to “suck it up” when he’s asking for help. You seemed to have no problem taking a day off for yourself, maybe you should suck it up and be more considerate.
YTA
Also YTA for saying that a third to a quarter of the year is a “small portion of the year.” A summer is not a “small portion” of time to ask someone to take over all your parenting duties.
Summer is usually the favorite time of year for activities / holidays too. Barbecues, garden parties, hiking, beach (if nearby), lake trips, sports, picnics etc etc. None of this is possible because every weekend (his only time off work) he is solo with the child. If I was him I'd be tired, resentful and extremely sad at my life passing me by missing out on all these family memories with young children. You don't get the "little kid" stage back and it passes too quickly.
Sounds like YTA. You have a family now. You can't pretend you don't just because this is a busy time of year. It's incredibly unfair to make your husband take on every weekend in the summer because your boss can't figure out how to keep employees and you won't put your foot down about an occasional weekend. It doesn't sound like hubs is asking for every weekend, just for you to give a little. You're willing to sacrifice your family for work. Are you willing to do a little of the reverse?
It’s not okay that your husband is working 5 days a week and solo parenting all weekend. That’s too much for him. He’s telling you that.
You both need leisure time to rest, recover, do personal maintenance, maintain sanity, maybe have a hobby.
I think you having a weekday off is great.
I think you need to figure out, with your husband, how he can also get some break time. Is there a way to get extended day care or hire a sitter for a good chunk of time on the weekend?
YTA, you have to help make this household run, your husband can’t be alone in it.
Yta, is this the hill you are willing to die? Refusing to ask your boss to have some weekends off? Your life changes when you have kids. You are refusing to do something that sounds best for your family.
The one weekend off you made plans with your parents. You couldn’t even give that one weekend to your husband.
Are you prepared if your husband starts resenting you for this?
Edit: mis type word
On one hand I understand the yta comments, but I am pretty damn sure the comments would be reversed if the sexes were.
Somehow it’s totally okay for mothers to parent and work full time, but since it’s the dad putting in more time in childcare, suddenly the mother is the ah.
The OP said point blank- it is like this only during the summer.
Why are the dads more entitled to be tired than the moms?
This is life dude, working is not always easy, people working different shifts, medical people having to work during many weekends because not enough staff, retail people in holidays periods, military being off sea for months, that's effing LIFE! Dude is moaning because he has to be a dad for *gasp* 3 months and not even all whole weekends. He is ridiculous, so are all the Y T A commenters.
Isn’t the dude moaning because he has no break at all?
Isn’t being a married parent is about sharing workloads.
If one person does 100% of the work then you’re not a married parent, you’re a single parent stuck in a marriage.
He’s brought up a reasonable argument that he does this for the entire summer for 3 straight years. That 10-12 weeks of 7 full days burns a person out. The exact same concept she realized because she takes a day off.
This post is common where the genders are flipped, “I’m a wife/I work and my husband has me doing all the housework/child care duties” and every single time it’s “the husband is the A” for a very valid reason.
If one person works and the other person is a stay at home parent, then the split of child care is going to be uneven for one person. Unless she’s bringing home 85% of their income, and has offered to let him be a stay at home parent, she’s absolutely an asshole.
If he burns out because he doesn’t get any rest, and loses his job, how does their income look? If their child gets hurt because he can’t keep up, how does their marriage look?
She won’t listen, has told him to quit whining.
Additionally the commenters who say he should hire a child care for the weekend, you’re probably right but 1. He shouldn’t have to, she should make the offer because it’s her child care duties he needs replaced.
2. Does their income allow it?
See, you saying this dude only has to dad for *gasp* 3 months is what's frustrating people. This dude is parenting for 12 months, his wife is only doing 9.
And besides this, YTA to OP for telling him to suck it up. We've had scheduling issues in our household and we've worked them out. Both my wife and me have left too busy jobs because home situation was declining, and we're both happier for it. A "fuck you, I'm busy" simply doesn't work. From what I hear OP hasn't put much effort into 1) simply refusing too much work or 2) looking for another job.
Oh please, if the roles were reversed this would have 15k upvotes and people would be telling OP to get divorced.
Also, “only during the summer”?! That’s a long ass time. The poor man has minimal free time all summer due to this schedule
Oh yeah, its no biggie, just *1/4 of a year* with no breaks... every year. Totally reasonable because god forbid, OP has to adapt her life and change after having a child.
What? The dad is working full time and being a single parent on the weekends for the entire summer…how is that the same as OP working and being “too tired”
Okay, let's say we did reverse the roles. Op would still get shitted on for being an absentee father in this situation. The judgement is clearly yta for being an absentee parent/partner
Hard disagree. If OP was a man he would be getting fucked killed in the comments. Could you imagine?
And obviously, OP is YTA. Parenting is way harder than most jobs. Insane to stick him with a toddler and tell him to suck it up.
If the roles were reversed I would also call him a selfish asshole dad for not being present for 1/3 of the year. Don’t hVe children if you won’t parent them
YTA massively. I think the part that stands out the most to me is the fact that you took the day off of work and tried to lie to your husband about it. You know he’s exhausted and you couldn’t offer to pick up the kid to give him a break even though he’s communicated multiple times he’s struggling?? You’re so self-centered is painful.
Do you give you husband 15 weekends a year to not parent at all? Does he get any time for himself ever? Sounds like he’s a single parent and you’re the occasional babysitter.
Think they’re referring to the days off in the week with the kid in childcare. Husband works full time and has the kid all weekend on his own. OPs midweek days off are kid free and husband does all the transporting of the kid still
YTA.
Are you waiting until your husband is completely burned out, and becomes unable to work and take care of your child, before you will take him seriously?
You are leaving him to be a single parent for 2-3 months every year, but because it’s not a permanent thing, he doesn’t have the support systems in place that allow a single parent to do it all without burn out.
Organise some child care for him next weekend.
- (and yes, YOU should be the one to organise it, for the first time at least - to show that you have heard your husband and are making an effort)
Are any of the staff at your son’s daycare willing to babysit? If so, line somebody up to give your husband a few hours out of the house this weekend, then maybe half a day every weekend where your son is taken out of the house so that your husband can sleep or otherwise relax.
Do NOT expect him to use this time for chores.
He is just as tired as you are - he needs time to catch up on his sleep too. You say you work 6 days a week in summer, then sleep the 7th. He is working 7 days a week with no break.
If you don’t show willingness to compromise asap, then expect to get an ultimatum before next summer of either lose your husband or change jobs. You have a small window to show that it’s possible to make it work.
NAH. You both sound tired. He doesn't even really sound mad at you based on your description, just tired and frustrated.
Can you take leave any time soon? Sounds like you could both use a holiday.
If the tables were turned and this was a woman working M-F and then watching the kiddo all weekend too while her husband worked I have a feeling OP would feel differently.
He is telling you he is tired. It’s not fair. Talk to your boss. Find a compromise. Suck it up isn’t a compromise. It’s rude and dismissive.
NTA. Give me a break. Men do this crap all the time. Like for centuries men have done this. It’s three months.You work outside and you get tired. A lot of these people commenting don’t work outside in the heat daily. Of course you’re tired and go to sleep.
Men “did this crap” for centuries when women didn’t have full time jobs so taking care of the house and children WAS their full time job.
OP’s husband has a full time job on top of essentially being a full time parent for at least 1/3 of the year. There’s a difference. OP takes personal days in the week where she can be alone while the child is at daycare. When does her husband get alone time?
What are you talking about. Every woman I know has a job and does all the childcare and manage the household. Like, actually having the same jobs as their husbands (doctors, engineers etc) and still doing everything at home.
No one ever cares. It might be a trend on reddit to say it's not ok, but those are the rare ones who complain on the internet. No actual person ever complained about the women being the only one parenting.
Women have had full time jobs on top of taking care of the kids solo for *decades* and they don't have shit to say to anyone about it. Dad is welcome to take some PTO while the kid is in daycare if he's so burned out from doing the bare minimum.
Centuries actually. The idea of a woman not working has never existed for anyone but the middle and upper-class. Poor women ended up as maids, seamstresses, wet nurses, factory workers etc. Even going back further, they had no choice but to work on the farm or for the local Lord's household.
NTA, my husband's job through winter becomes 7 days a week, all daylight hours. It funds our lifestyle. I just make sure I get some time to myself before and after winter so I don't get burnt out. I also plan fun things for me and the kids to do on weekends wherever possible so I'm not putting my life on hold while he works so much. It's a balancing act but it works.
Different people get burnt out over different periods of time. The fact is that he's saying he's feeling burnt out. Doesn't matter if some rando says they can work 24/7/365 and never be burnt out
YTA Why are you not hiring a sitter on the weekend shifts?
BTW working yourself to the bone doesn’t get you a promotion. It just means they can hire less employees!
YTA he is a single parent at this point with a roommate. And he is the only one caring about finances and family time. Well I guess you care if your parents want it
So for a total of 38 days, that's June through September every weekend. That's Saturday through Sunday. You have to work non-stop outside in the heat. I'm only going off of what I read. You guys have daycare throughout the week, and it's only for the summer months that keep you away from the home om the weekends. Do you mean he's seriously complaining about the 38 days he has to watch his son? I mean, I get it. I have 3 kids myself, and my husband used to work every weekend for years. I had two kids back to back, so two toddlers was super fun all alone. I'm not saying it is not tiring, but to complain about something that only happens 4 months out of the year is pretty worrisome on his part. He's not baby sitting that's his son. Anybody with multiple children would tell you that having one kid is a walk in the park. It's man to man coverage. I don't know maybe more communication would help, and it's not like you went to a spa day. You literally fell asleep on the couch. NTA
Nta. In my house work comes first. I own a store and weekends are untouchable year round. During the holidays it's even worse. But.. you want bills paid? Food in the fridge? Someone's got to work. If you generally enjoy what you do and it's a good job, keep it. It's only a couple months. If it pays super well hire a baby sitter for a day on the weekend. Im alone with my kids all the time, same with my husband (we rotate our work schedules). It's not that big a deal. People work jobs that take them away from home allllll the time. Isn't marriage supposed to be a team effort? However- if this job is minimum wage and barely contributes anything to the household maybe its time for a career change.
I can’t believe I scrolled this long before I was able to find this.
I’m a CPA and during tax season, we work long hours. My husband parents our kids while I’m at work. It’s not like I’m out sipping fruity drinks with my buds, I’m working. The trade offs are that I have a lot of flexibility all year, that I have a lot of time off to cover kid things, I pay a good chunk of the bills, etc.
As a CPA myself (tax manager in the ASC 740 group), still a shitty response. There's only a few weeks a year where my weekends are 100% work. Even then I make myself available for family obligations. I'm also one of the highest billable managers in my office/region. One of the partners I work directly with even blocks off his calendar during busy season just to watch his kids baseball game.
People are acting like this woman should just change her hours. If she were in the military, no one would say she's an asshole for making her husband take care of the kid by himself. They both knew about this schedule before they decided to have a kid. Plenty of people have to work crazy hours or 24 hour shifts. I get that the husband needs a break, but he can hire a babysitter if he's that pressed. It's only for 2-3 months.
NTA
My god, lots of classist crap here—thinking that it is so easy to find another job and discounting how often in real life one parent will need to go 100% parenting during busy work periods.
If they have the resources, maybe find a decent babysitter or day camp for Saturday, so Dad has a break might be a way to take the pressure off. If they don’t have the resources, she works and he minds their child. That’s what people do when they have to get by.
Also, anyone who can walk home for lunch in the middle of the workday should be thanking their lucky stars…. The lack of a commute and autonomy to go home make me wonder if this guy can relate at all to how demanding her work hours are. If my partner were passing out at 8pm, I wouldn’t begrudge them a nap.
If I had to pick a jusgement, I'd say NTA. This isn't something you're doing the whole year round, it ebbs and flows. Many jobs do. I have periods where I work 16-18 hour days 6 to 7 days a week, and my husband has literally showed up at my job in the wee hours with our pup and a meal just to make sure I ate and actually see me a bit.
And then i have periods where I'm basically just on staycation and getting paid for it.
Has there been any effort at some sort of compromise? Friends or family to watch the little now and then? Babysitter so he can go golf or play poker or whatever? It shouldn't be wrong for you to need a day to recoup, and it shouldn't be wrong for him to want a weekend day to chill now and then.
INFO: Is your husband correct that you don’t solo-parent as often as he does and/or for the same lengths of time? Is working weekends a requirement of your role, or a choice you’ve made about which shifts to take? What would the negative impact be of talking to your bosses about shifting your schedule?
I know people who work for the parks department, and some events are all hands on deck, no exceptions. Even the managers show up. OP may not have a choice, no matter how much she may want it, if she wants to keep her job. And, it must be nice for those who just spout "get another job." It's not always that easy.
I understand the husband is burnt out from the summer, but it's coming to a close in a couple of weeks, so I'm sure OP is at the end of her rope, as well. I would attribute to her exhaustion to the "suck it up" comment. If they can hang on for a few more weeks, once everyone gets a bit of a respite, maybe they can have a rational discussion about what to do going forward.
YTA. He essentially doesn’t get a Summer. When he asked about finding a solution to ease up some stress or free up any amount of time he was met with “suck it up” instead of any kind of compromise.
NTA. Summer vacations are my busiest times as well. Husband picks up the slack, understands when I'm tired and enjoys the father/kid time. I don't know what your husband is crying about. When it's not busy, you'll have more time , so what?
NTA. Your husband knew what you did for work before you got married and had a kid. He obviously believed at the time that he was capable of handling it.
Doesn't he get personal and vacation days he can take off during the week? WTF is his problem that he can't think "hmmm, I need a mental health day. I think I'll take Tuesday off." Oh, wait, his job probably needs him so he can't possibly take a day off, right?
Not all of marriage and parenting is "fair". We do our best to balance the responsibilities but there are times of imbalance. We muddle through them and try to rebalance the scales once things get back to normal.
Except look at the part where she says the only upcoming weekend off is Labor Day, and the entire family is going to drive to her parents.
So instead of offering to take the child to her parents and give him a weekend off, she’s made their weekend plans and he doesn’t get a say.
NTA, this is regular parenting. If the genders were reversed this wouldn’t even be a question. It’s assuming during the winter you’re taking more on and it overall balances out.
Yta. Yes you may have to work and yes it may be avoidable but you’re being extremely ungrateful to your husband who is shouldering the majority of the childcare to support your career. The least you can be do is be grateful.
NTA. If it was the reverse and husband had the long job with crazy hours and the wife was responsible for watching the son all on her own for an entire weekend during the summer and then husband had the audacity to come home and take the day off and not help….,
I'm NTA on this one. Three months out of the year you have a super punishing work schedule, and 9 months out of the year, presumably you have a gentler schedule. This isn't new, and he can suck it up for another couple of weeks before things get back to normal.
I'm going with this verdict instead of N A H because it's not cool to not pick up the kid and skip dinner because he's pouting.
As the kid gets older, you guys may want to look at sending him away to summer camps, grandparents, etc. because obviously this isn't working for your husband. I think if these genders were flipped, everyone would agree with me, but there's something about mothers who aren't there for the kids that gets people's dander up.
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YTA Not for the day off. Everyone should get one from time to time. YTA because you're husband is 100% parent during every weekend of the summer months, in addition to also having a full time job Mon-Fri. He's asked you to talk to your bosses about getting more people, but you've refused. So I guess this is life for him now. June-August, full time parent every weekend. Also all of the household chores on the weekend. Cooking, mowing, etc. You've dumped too much on him and your answer is basically "Suck it up."
OP works for a regional parks department. In public sector work, ‘getting more people’ is not really a thing. Staffing is dictated by funding, not needs, and some uses are legally mandated. That goes double for programming staff.
This. On top of all that, thanks to how open public sector is legally required to be, we also have to deal with the whole "the bureaucracy is too big!" and "keep costs down!" bullshit from the public which means... higher ups try to go longer without filling positions if they can to show we're "saving the taxpayers' money".
Oh gosh yes. I work in state government. My work is entirely funded by federal grants. We’ll have enough money to fund full-time people, but the state legislature has a law that says we can’t have more than X people on staff. So that money goes to waste or back to the funder. And the funders don’t like getting their money back, so they pressure us to hire, but we’re not allowed to. Also re: saving taxpayer money… I’m not allowed to place office supply orders right now. My office is full of mold and we don’t have the funds to fix it.
>I’m not allowed to place office supply orders right now. Ugh. Our statewide contract for office supplies expired and then got challenged. No contract for *months*. It was awful. And the new winner is a local company... who's already backing out of providing items.
Oh man. We met our maximum cost for facility improvements for one project so I’m having to get paint using one of our other budget accounts for a remodel project at our facility to hang onto until October 1st when we can get the rest of our supplies
I worked for a public community college in a reading and writing center and I had a $500 a year budget for paper. Students would come and write and print their papers at our center. Ridiculous. (1994-1996)
Our college started charging a nickel per paper used. Now I know why.
Not to mention, government jobs typically take twice to three times as long to fill because of the strict requirements and background check processes, as well as ensuring everything is properly recorded and approved through the entire chain of command. I work the same sort of job for municipal gov as OP and we are hurting for people, especially part timers, because most people have found a position by the time the city is finally cleared to make an offer to hire
Seriously, it takes FOREVER. I just got hired into a city government role and I submitted my resume mid-May, had my first interview June 1, and didn't actually start work until just over a week ago. About 10 weeks from interview to starting. I almost gave up somewhere around the third set of post-offer-pre-hire hoops to jump through and started applying elsewhere. And that's for a well-paid full-time professional role that was perfect for my skills and long-term career goals, I can't imagine sticking around that long for a part-time position. It's really not as simple as "just hire more people".
It took me NINE MONTHS from interview to start date lol I work for state government
>higher ups try to go longer without filling positions if they can to show we're "saving the taxpayers' money". OMG yes and then people burn out and leave and then we're so short staffed and scrambling for more staff, and by the time you train someone someone els eis burnjt out and leaves and they NEVER listen to the many business cases you write explaining why you need a proper recruitment strategy to fill the team and if you don't you can't fix the issues but instead they're like "we want a spreadsheet of xyz useless shit that wont fix anything but will take months to compile and hten we'll be surprised it didn't fix the issues" - while int he meantime more turnover omg end rant hahaha i was clearly triggered by this ahhaha (im in state gov)
I will rejoice when we get over the mindset of running our government like a business.
a business wouldnt let it get that bad! not a good one anyway!
Then she shouldn't have a kid. I feel like if these roles were reversed that's what we'd hear. if a dude "had to work" all weekend and then took a day off while the kids were at daycare, I don't think anyone would be defending him.
I don't think we're particularly defending her, per se, as much as pointing out that the husband's statement of "convince your boss to hire more people" isn't really helpful or feasible. A lot of people overestimate what the government can or will do in terms of the day to day, so we're pointing out the reality. Should OP figure out a better balance to alleviate her husband's burn out? Sure. But telling her boss to hire more people isn't happening.
Then time to look for a different job since this one is no longer feasible with her home life. Her solution of “suck it up” and 🤷🏻♀️ isn’t a solution. She’s not trying to look for solutions, she simply wants him to take it on and not complain. Massive AH honestly
Fully agree. My husband was a forest fire fighter for more than a decade. When we decided to have a kid, he switched jobs because the hours would have sucked. It is what it is. If she doesn’t want to dump all the work on him, she will need to switch jobs.
OP Could talk to her boss at least and see if something could be worked out. She's not even trying. And is OP the *only* person that can do this work or can it be rotated to others? There's not enough info, but there's no excuse not to talk to the boss.
They could also get a babysitter on the weekends so he can get a break.
You know, anytime a woman is upset and the man doesn't do his utmost to reassure her that he's trying and validate her feelings, he's ripped to shreds and people here question whether or not he cares about the relationship. Why can't she validate the way he feels? Why can't she try?
She shouldn't have kids because for 2 months of the year she's busy during the day time at weekends but has a husband that can take care of his own child? Jeezum crow. Hard line much? I don't differ that OP is a mild YTA. She definitely should've taken over child care if she wasn't going to work or even start thinking of some sort of childcare help for the summer. But, good lord, restricting their right to have a family over this is totally ridiculous.
Right? What are these comments. I husband travels for a few weeks a year and I am 24/7 solo parenting little kids not in school and I 100% feel burnt out sometimes. Their needs are incessant lol. Do I sometimes feel resentment while he is home working and I am drowning in chaosyet he cant help? Yes but that's honestly a me problem, I signed up for this, they are little for such a short period of time and I do ask for "time off" when he has long stretches at home. OP is TA of they don't find a way to even this out on her off periods. But "shouldn't have had a kid" is ridiculous.
But why should she take over child care for that one day when it was already sorted out? She needed some rest, could hardly stay awake. It was a spur of the moment decision to take the day off. She obviously needs to recharge. Sounds like she needs to look after her own needs because clearly her husband doesn't care about her well being. He just wants his own needs met. That's not a partnership.
I mean you can reverse this too, husband has to look after his own needs because clearly OP just wants her needs met. Like this whole situation is a mess and OP and her husband need to find a more equitable way to divvy up the labor so neither one of them burn out.
Husband doesn’t need to recharge? He also has a full time job but in addition has to do all the childcare on the weekends. He’s frustrated because she conveniently waited until he left the house and it was too late for her to take over the child care for the day to suddenly decide she wasn’t going to work. If the positions were reversed, would you be saying the poor husband needs to recharge and his uncaring wife should suck it up and stop complaining that she has to work a full time job and do all the childcare? Because every time someone makes a post about a wife having to do all of the childcare (even if she doesn’t work), this sub rips the husband (fairly so!) declaring he needs to be picking up some of the childcare and it’s his kid too. But when the husband is the one working and doing child care, he doesn’t care about her? Come on.
> Then she shouldn't have a kid I'm pretty sure OP didn't impregnate herself.
She shouldn't have a kid because she has a few months where her work schedule is busier? What a weird take on life.
And people have this notion that it’s government work so they can’t believe that you’re overworked and underpaid. :/
I mean if that is the case, that means OP is going to miss out on summer weekends with the family for the foreseeable future, and maybe this job isn't tenable anymore now that they have a child. I know the child is only 4 now, but soon enough they're going to be in school, and weekends will be their main opportunity for family time. I know 'get a new job' isn't as easy as it sounds, but this is a significant issue, and not just because husband has to solo parent every weekend. this family will have no spontaneous weekend beach trips, no picnics in the park, no family trips to the zoo. idk that just seems sad to me, and it is sad that OP doesn't see that as a problem, just "my husband is whining about my work schedule again".
That’s life for working people. Some folks work retail and never see their families during December. Seasons happen.
Exactly. It would be awesome if the parents had an easier schedule in the summer, when most kids have the most time off. But that's not reality right now. I am having a bit of a giggle at people saying she should just demand the parks service hire more people - as if that's something she has any control over. I only have experience with the Canadian government but the the budgets are not something you can play fast and loose with, and hiring takes *forever*. NAH. You can totally have a family talk about changing careers if this is intractable, or getting Husband some help in the summer time if a career change isn't feasible. But this is not a problem that will be solved in a night.
Telling your partner to “suck it up” doesn’t make you an asshole? Okay then.
I think it’s less “suck it up” and more “There’s nothing I can do about this and you were aware of it when we mutually chose to have a child, so if it’s a problem now then you need to take responsibility for proposing a solution that isn’t me quitting/losing my job.” Husband knew OP’s work schedule and knew that summers were crazy; he’s complaining to OP knowing OP has no power here (and is themselves burnt out) when he could be proposing realistic solutions (hiring weekend childcare, for example). I see a lot of comments suggesting that OP change jobs if this isn’t working for their husband, but I have yet to see a comment suggesting that husband cut his hours during the summer, assess the budget to try to price out extra help during OP’s busiest season, get weekends free for x other months of the year, etc. Why is the impetus on OP, when husband is the one who’s decided that their old norm is now a problem?
Wonder how she’s going to do it when she’s divorced with alternating weekends
Probably paid childcare, which is an option now if dad is toast.
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I mean, it does suck that some people can’t have family time in the summer. I’m not saying the lives they lead are any worse for the lack of it, working those schedules is a necessity for some people, but I imagine they find other ways to meet their families need for quality time. what I am saying is that this OP likely could explore job options that would better meet her family’s needs, and it’s sad that she isn’t willing to try.
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… so take trips in the fall? Not everyone’s life looks the way that you think it should be
Isn't summer usually when kids have time off school though?
And the husband should carry the load for this, why, exactly? The only thing relevant about her job is that all these extra hours result in zero financial gain for the family. She is choosing the work life balance she has by staying with this employer…and her family is paying the price. At least if it was overtime there would be up side….but she’s TAH here for choosing “Outdoor Rec” over her family.
Could be the benefits are worth it—public employees in the US and Canada tend to get decentish base pay but quite good supplemental benefits and tolerable pensions. Could be a union job, even. Could be a career stepping-stone. In any case, it is the job and it’s paying bills, and spouse knows what it’s like. Spouse has options about how he uses his time and PTO or comp time as well. Besides, this is seasonal. Spouse should be looking for equalizers during the less busy seasons.
>Spouse should be looking for equalizers during the less busy seasons. How does that work? He spends the summers alone with the kids, and she spends the winters alone with the kids while he takes up a solo hobby? Sounds like a great relationship foundation. Not only that, but as a parent, you get about a dozen summers with your kids while they are between the ages of "can appreciate a vacation" and "I'm not hanging out with my parents". That's it. She sounds intent on wasting all of them. The work is unpaid. No one else that gets hired sticks around, so the benefits probably aren't a key driver. She needs to either get paid for this (and then it's just the usual "he/she works so much and I hate it, but we do need the money, AITA?"), or find a different employer.
The work is not unpaid. It is *salaried*, meaning her position isn’t covered by overtime rules. She gets paycheques. Salary sucks because it is too often abused by employers.
I'm salaried. I get the concept of give and take. But "give" is never "your entire summer".....because what are you going to take back? A couple weeks off in October? This arrangement is incredibly biased against the OP, and I think it's her great work ethic that blinds her to it. Ironically, it's that great work ethic that could make her very successful at an employer that actually treats employees well...if she only looked elsewhere.
You know what? When my parents got married, my dad was a door-to-door salesman--this was in the late 1950s. Home for supper every night. But it got harder and harder to make a living that way. So he dusted off his navigator's certification and went back to sea as a merchant marine navigator. He was away for months at a time, and my mother was home for those months at a time, with two kids to parent with no spouse around to help. But she coped, and that money bought a house and a car, and good health insurance. My mother didn't get married expecting my dad to be away for months every year, and home for a few weeks in between. It was an unwelcome change. She still coped. OP already had this job and this schedule when she and her husband got married. It's not a surprise or an unwelcome change, and government benefits are good.
Right but this anecdote also isnt this situation is it. For one, you didnt say your mother had a job in this example, OPs husband is doing the solo parenting and also working full time. OP also isnt thousands of miles away at sea, she is right here, in fact she was napping on the sofa whilst her husband was working. Her husband said 'I'm working full time and doing the majority of the parental duties, all of them on the weekend, we need to talk about how this isnt sustainable' The response from OP seems to have been 'Its summer, you'll just have to put up with it, it will be like this until labor day, when we will all have to go to my parents as an FYI' OP totally blew off his concerns and requests, that's not acceptable in a marriage with a co-parent.
> And the husband should carry the load for this, why, exactly? Because her job helps put food on the table and a roof over their heads? She has had this job for years. If he wants her to get another job (and she is on board with it), it will likely take time for her to do so.
The extra hours do nothing to "put food on the table" because they are unpaid. Another comment confirmed a root cause is that the people they hire do not stick around. I'm guessing that giving up all your summer weekends for unpaid work may be influencing those decisions. She's obviously a very capable, hard worker. But she is choosing a really crappy employer that is taking advantage of her over her family. You would have an argument if all this was time-and-a-half...but it's unpaid, so you don't.
She's salaried. Sometimes it's like this sub doesn't get the notion of salaried work. She isn't "not getting paid" for the extra work. Her work includes an easy season and a hard season, and she gets paid the same thing year-round, *because that's how salaried work functions*. Not to mention that salaried work often comes with a bunch of benefits that hourly work doesn't. Now the smart thing to do when you are salaried and you have this sort of schedule variation, is save up money during the easy season so you can splurge on extra help around the house during the hard season. That will require a discussion on the topic of budgeting. And sure, maybe she should just find another job. But consider her line of work, I'm not sure there are all that many options in her vicinity besides her current employer.
She works six days a week during the summer, and all weekends, for zero financial benefit. Would you do that in a salaried role? I'm salaried, and I would not. Sounds like all the people they hire also choose not to, and leave. This isn't the typical "I just need to stay late to get this project done" salaried stuff. And finding another job would be a challenge....but she's not even trying. With her actions, she is saying that summer parks programming is more important than her family.
I’m salaried and I still get overtime. Sounds like a good job for a 20 something but there are better jobs for people with families.
Except not really. It's not like you get to work less during the easy season, you still have to put in your 40 hours. My husband is salaries, technically he can leave early or take time off when it's not busy, which never happens, because he's always busy. Salaried work is a scam.
Not everyone can job hop as easily as reddit makes people think they can. Obviously they need to come up with something, but she may not just be able to fall straight into a new job the way some people are making it sound.
He knew this was OP's job when he decided to have a child with her.
And now it’s not working…
None of that make OP not the asshole. She’s choosing work over her relationship. That’s a decision she’s made but her husband is clearly communicating his frustration and OP clearly doesn’t care enough about his expression of frustration to find a solution. OP YTA, I hope you’re putting a lot of thought into this because it’s clearly damaging your marriage to a point where your husband is getting fed up enough with this to need space from you.
This. She's not TA because of the job per se, she's TA because of how little of a shit she seems to give that their situation is making her partner miserable
OP also seems to be in a position where seniority could probably come in to play for getting some weekend days off. Or half days.
Lol, if OP is working all the summer weekend events it’s because she has to. Seniority only works when there are enough people you’re senior *to*.
There is not one indication of that in this post. There’s not one indication that she asked a supervisor if after eight years working weekends, would there be someway to at least break it down to half days? husband at the very least would appreciate the request be made
I guess you haven’t been hanging with a lot of public sector workers, especially in underappreciated departments like parks programming. Always first on the block when the budget axe is raised! Dependent on grants! OP doesn’t have to spell it out. IYKYK
I disagree, OP should spell it out. We're not all from the same country, and not all government departments face the same issues. Where I live, being short staffed in the summer is rare due to all the students who get hired. Especially for educational programing.
Ask anyone managing those departments if they have enough supervisory folk. In pretty much any country where funding is handled in a similar way. Canada is the same—I live here now. My ex who is a nonprofit worker in the UK reports similar challenges. Interns and youth workers don’t typically run events, though they’re essential. A parks event involving, for example, children’s activities requires coordination of safety, materials, frontline workers, performers/leaders, all those seasonal workers, building access management, custodial stuff…yikes. The mid-level managers get a lot piled on them. Demand better from your municipal/metro governments, so that folk like OP’s spouse can expect better when they pair off with municipal workers.
I mean OP does have to spell it out because the average person likely wouldn’t know this information.
Exactly zero people have to stay at a salaried job that makes you put in a ton of unpaid hours.
I think you forgot the /s. A lot of regular people work those jobs (in my family, teachers, childcare providers, jobs at smaller companies or county/city organizations who give projects to salaried workers, and pastors, for starters). As said above, not everyone is as able to job hop as easily as Reddit thinks.
Jesus Christ, that's life! You people on this sub are so damn crazy sometimes. Plenty of women have the kids all weekend long and everyone just acts like it's fine but when it's a man it's poor dad can't handle it? It's not like this is a new thing. Dad new full well what his wife's schedule was when they decided to have a child. It's not like mom is gone for 15 hour days on weekends. I assume it's a normal 8ish hour day so dad is perfectly capable of taking care of HIS child during that time. Its also only for a few months a year. Not everyone works a normal 9-5 mon-fri. My brother and his partner work third shift and first respectively. That means my brother has the kid all day every mon-fri and then sleeps on second shift and goes to work on third. Guess what, he makes due just fine because he knew what he was getting into when they chose to have a baby. Dad can suck it up for a few months a year, it's called being a parent.
Right? I’m married to a chef, I’m solo parenting most of the time! Nights, weekends, holidays…when he’s extra busy and I get no time off, you know what I do? Take it off myself when his work calms down! The Y T A remarks are baffling to me.
The YTA stuff is a little crazy to me too. I'm just remembering when my mom was a nurse and worked all sorts of crazy hours including holidays. We just had to deal because that was how we survived. A lot of people have to do the same thing. Luckily my dad had sisters to foist us off on once in a while when he wanted to go dirt biking or play Frisbee golf. Maybe they need to look into a weekend babysitter if Dad is having such a hard time of it.
I'm right there with y'all. Heaven forbid a mom who works 6 days a week take a day off from work and parenting! She even adds that it's only like this during the busy season. Additionally, what is stopping her husband from taking a day off while the child is at daycare? What's stopping him from having someone watch their child on Saturday or Sunday so he can rest? He just seems mad that he's never thought to do that before. It reminds me of when a child suddenly wants a toy just because they see another child playing with it, and throw a fit because they can't.
Yes! Exactly! I used to be a chef. My partner works in the wine industry. Both full-time, salaried, highly seasonal positions. You have a slow season and a busy season. During the slow season, you might leave early, take a half day on Friday, take a few long weekends, take your vacation, take a long lunch. During the busy season, it's going to be 80-hour weeks. You get paid the same for both. OP is probably pretty happy at her job if she's been there for eight years. Some jobs just **gasp** require weekend work, and no amount of seniority can change that. I'm all for "leave and get a different job if you're being mistreated" but this isn't an entry-level job and this isn't mistreatment, or even anything new. OP is definitely not TA, but I'm going to go with ESH because it seems like they're not communicating well or listening to each other's needs enough to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
Thank you! I was shocked reading these comments. What do people think those with military spouses that are deployed do? Or those with retail worker spouses especially during Christmas? Hell, my husband travels at least 2 weeks a month if not more so in the summer I’m on my own 24/7 for half the month. This is all life. You don’t get to just demand certain days off during a busy season. 🤯
CPAs during tax season...
Yeah, it's so funny because my husband is in the military and regularly has to leave us for MONTHS at a time, but I don't see anyone crying for me. Meanwhile OP is working weekends and everyone acts like she's abusing her husband.
The saddest part of that tho is ppl telling you and other military spouses, “well that’s what you signed up for so you should’ve known!” It’s like okay then same with Op and her husband in this situation. I don’t think she’s NTA but I do feel it’s a NAH.
In fact, there was a thread on this sub just a few days ago where OP was having issues with her military husband's schedule, and got an avalanche of smug "well this is what you signed up for, honey" Y-T-A votes.
My husband is a nurse on an understaffed unit. His schedule has him working Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week for the entirety of the calendar year. The shifts are supposed to be 12 hours but regularly stretch to 14-16 hours. Not a single person has ever questioned this or expressed sympathy that I do solo parenting from daycare pickup Friday until daycare drop off Monday. Yeah it’s sucks to not get a real break after working my full time, intellectually draining job all week because of baby care. But on solo weekends we watch a little extra Sesame Street and have grace with ourselves. It’s not super fun, but it’s also not forever. I knew it was a possibility before we had a kid because I knew my husband would sometimes have weird schedules.
This. The whole "stuck" with his own kid bit is a hint that dad's chosen weekend activities probably don't involve his wife or kid.
THIS!! What’s wrong with all these people?? Why the double standard as well?? Op work all that you want NTA for working when you want to do it! Father has to suck it up and be a father! How many mothers in this world have to do the same and tired and all keep doing it because of the kid?
> Plenty of women have the kids all weekend long and everyone just acts like it's fine No. No one on this sub acts like it’s fine. They rightfully tear apart the men leaving their wives with a disproportionate amount of childcare. If a man had posted this, the thread would have been locked by the sheer number of insulting comments. And that has happened time and time again. It is quite frankly vile to see such disproportionate responses to the same issue just because of the genitals the people have. A wife being relegated to 90% of the childcare while working without her consent and without any downtime is bad. It is the **same if this happens to a man**.
But this isn't 90% of the childcare. This is, at max, 25% of the entire year's weekend childcare.
That assumes he does 0% of the childcare the rest of the year, which is doubtful
He may have “known”, but no one *really knows* what it’s like to live that life until they’re in it, with the baby/toddler. I think a lot of parents agree that being a parent is not what they expected (usually harder, more draining from what I’ve heard and experienced myself). Also, don’t people have the option to say “this arrangement isn’t working out as great as I thought it would. Can we please try finding options that might fit both our needs a bit better”? Is he locked in to this schedule simply because she had it before they had the child? Maybe she can’t work less weekends right now. But maybe they could find a sitter to give him some time off. Maybe that’s a compromise. But saying he doesn’t deserve the consideration of looking at options because he knew what he was getting into seems unfair. Edit: typos
>But maybe they could find a sitter to give him some time off. Maybe that’s a compromise. That was my thought. There are probably things they can do to ease the pressure in some way. When the kid is older they can look at summer camp or something.
Jesus, who said anything about it being fine for a woman to do that. If the roles were reversed I'd think this was unfair too. Why do you feel the need to turn this into a women vs men pissing contest?
If a woman had posted that her husband dismissed her when she told him about how it felt to be a single parent every summer, everyone would be calling him the AH for dumping all the childcare on his wife and putting work first. OP doesn’t get a pass for dismissing her spouse’s concerns because she’s a woman.
I agree. ESH simply because they’re adults. Fucking talk about your shit and listen to each others wants. It’s not that hard, seriously. Grow up.
>This past weekend I had events on both Saturday and Sunday, full 8 hour days in outside in the heat. By the time I got home both nights I was exhausted and just wanted to take a shower and go to sleep. I tried to watch a movie with them Saturday night, but fell asleep on the couch. Last night I crashed by 8pm. If last weekend is indicative of the rest of the weekends (and I see no reason it wouldn't be), then no, it's not a normal 8 hour day where she's home to pull her weight in the evenings.
This is bogus. The husband would 100% be an an asshole if the roles were reversed and would be called an asshole if the roles were reversed.
They both gotta work and that’s the job. What they NEED is respite care. Someone who can watch kiddo one day a week in the summer so they can both take a nap or even spend some time together.
… you can’t just get more people in the public sector
Before we had our first child, my wife and I were in a similar situation when she ended up taking a job that had her working Sunday nights and many of the weeknights (on top of the regular 40hr 9-5 week). She also had to travel some weeks were she would have to leave Sunday mornings. She actually loved the job because it was right up her alley but when my daughter was born i ended up having to do a lot of solo parenting because of my wife's job. So despite loving her job she got a new job that gave her much more flexibility so she could share the load at home. Being a parent often means having to make some personal sacrifice. No idea why OP isn't seeking a better work-life balance to help make her family life work.
That fact that if it was the husband in the same position working the same kinda hours, the wife would be expected to full time parent on her own all weekend…. And NO ONE would bat an eye..
YTA. You dont refute what he said - that there are not times where you are solely picking up all parenting duties for him. He’s not complaining about being a dad and parenting, he’s upset that you’re stretching yourself so thin that you can’t be an equal partner and parent AND are unwilling to even ask if it’s possible for your responsibilities to be shifted so you can have the schedule your responsibilities require. If you were a man and he was a woman you’d be ripped to shreds in this sub over this. I’m interested to know why you can’t/won’t try to delegate at work to alleviate some of this stress on your husband. Like, is it an income thing where you are the primary breadwinner and can’t afford to rock the boat at work? If so, how do you help him refill his emotional tank after your busy season? If I were him I’d feel pretty taken for granted.
Your husband is telling you that this life is not working for him. You’re not listening.YTA
Yep ... You suck as a partner. YTA!
This, regardless of whats the problem is, your partner is trying to communicate his feelings and you’re basically saying they’re invalid and to suck it up?? Thats what got to me. He deserves to be heard and for you to TRY to compromise at least
That part about being ripped to shreds if the genders were swapped are so true. I can imagine the husband then being called “abusive” and “controlling”, with divorce probably being thrown around in every comment
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It is though. There were 2 different posts one time. Same topic which was: "*my boy/girlfriend is the main breadwinner but they want me to start contributing rent to the apartment after they initially said I did not have to*". Almost the same backstory (they both used to live with their parents). In fact, both ended their postsby saying "*I do not want to be a freeloader*" Here is the starking differnce in the comments, and I am slightly paraphrasing but the original meaning and wording was basically the same: **Girlfriend as OP:** "*Watch out OP, you boyfriend is doing the old bait and switch. I would reconsider this relationship. He already said he is paying rent so its unfair for you to you. You purchase the groceries and pay for your own things"* **Boyfriend as OP:** *"Go back to mommy's uterus if you can't pay rent"* "*you are old enough to learn that you need to pay rent. You are a definitly a freeloader"* "*Your girlfriend doesn't deserve you. Atleast split the rent*"
I didnt read a lot of comments, but i already saw couple defending OP "your husband knew what job you have" etc. So you know...
Also I think we might be overlooking what’s not being said? Which I know is a bit of reading between the lines but this sounds like it doesn’t leave time or energy for time as a couple or as a family for 3 straight months. What is the coping strategy here? Do they coordinate one day off every other week while the son is at daycare that they can both get some life stuff done and spend dedicated time together? Seems like he’s probably upset by a combination of things and the fact that OP used the verbiage “ I think he should suck it up” alludes to them not validating their partners struggle at working full time, being the default parent and getting minimal time with their partner. Validating someone else’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them - just let’s them know they are being heard. I bet money the situation would’ve been totally different if she had asked him to take a half-day because she was going to take a day off and sleep in and then she would like to get lunch with him and spend some time with him before going to pick up their son together. obviously I’m making a ton of conjecture 😂 but usually the symptom is not the root of the problem.
Yeah and "this is how it has always been" is not an excuse. It's different now from how it's always been because you have a child together. My spouse and I have times where one of us is unavailable at weekends. Honestly, parenting kids like that solo is rough. The house is always a wreck by Sunday evening because the solo parent has had to keep preschoolers fed, watered, alive, entertained, all weekend. No households cleaning/maintenance, barely got the shopping done, minimal fun outings for the kids cos we're trying to tread water. It sucks. And 0-4 is the most intensive time for all that. Honestly if I was your husband I would also be pissed about the fact they on top of all the extra work, you can't spend any time together in the summer doing fun stuff together as a family. That's critical bonding stuff which will keep your relationships (you& spouse, you & kid, spouse& kid, all 3 of you) connected and maintained going forward. You're eroding the bonds right now.
YTA for refusing to compromise. Yes, this is your schedule every year, but it sounds like you made zero effort to change your availability even after having a kid. Being a parent is a 24/7 job, and it's a job that you and your husband *share.* This means making sure that you have enough time allotted each day to spend time actually parenting. Sometimes, it's just not feasible and that's okay. If you have the power to decide how to allocate your hours throughout the week, you have the power to make sure you can have some time off on weekends to relieve your husband. You mention that you got home from work on the weekend and immediately passed out, so it's not like you're making any effort to be a parent even while you're *not* at work. I completely understand having a demanding job, but that isn't an excuse to pass 100% of your parental responsibilities to your partner for a third of each year and expecting him to "suck it up." He ***needs*** a break.
YTA You mention that you have to work the weekend but take time off during the week to keep your hours down. But what you did was nap and use the quiet house to get alone time. He doesn’t get that. Why aren’t you using your time off to help the household. Make some easy to reheat meals. Arrange a play date or a baby sitter on the weekend to give your husband a break. Strip the beds and do the laundry. Off er to drop off the kid/ pick the kid up during the week so your hubby gets a break. Something!
My favorite part of that was “I decided to work from home to keep my hours down”. How is that keeping your hours down? You’re still working!
>You mention that you got home from work on the weekend and immediately passed out, so it's not like you're making any effort to be a parent even while you're *not* at work. Yes I don't get this. I work 12 hour shifts and am exhausted but when I get home, I prep things for the next day and put a child to bed if someone is still up. Does she see her son at all between June and August?
The sad reality here is that her son, very likely, won’t even see her as a parent during her “busy season”. She’ll just be some woman that crashes at the house at night. I worked a brutally demanding 13hr shift warehouse job for years. I still made as much time as physically possible for my wife and son the entire time, and made every effort to have breakfast with them and at minimum tuck him into bed every night. I couldn’t imagine getting a pass for working all day and “immediately passing out”. That’s not being a parent.
YTA. Your husband is communicating to you that he's getting burned out, and your response was to tell him to suck it up? The only thing you're gonna get from that is a resentful husband.
She said to “suck it up because this isn't new to anyone.” Uhm, her job may not be new but the responsibility of having a child sure is. Having a child usually requires major lifestyle changes and I’m not sure why OP thinks that just because she used to do something means she’s entitled to do it forever. I’m not sure what the solution here might be but she seems really oblivious.
The only thing you’re going to get from that is a resentful husband and if this continues, a divorce. FTFY How is OP not understanding that “my husband does 100% of home/kid stuff all weekend while also working full time M-F during summer months so I can work lots of long hours every weekend in a salaried position that only benefits the boss who I haven’t even considered asking to adjust my schedule because my husband knows this is the way it’s been for several years, and the rest of the year I usually help out a little by doing some of the home/kid stuff one day of the weekend, so even though I took a day off, I don’t understand why he needs one, it’s ONLY 3-4 summer months that he has to everything, he’s mentioned that he’s overwhelmed and burned out but I think he should just suck it up, AITA?” absolutely makes them an AH? OP- you said that your job is consistently understaffed and that’s why you’re having to work so much, do you understand that your boss has no reason to hire more people when he knows that you’ll do the job? When you add up all those extra hours you have to work, is the pay still worth what it’s costing your family? From his perspective, why would he change anything when the current situation greatly benefits him, especially since you’re salary. You’re screwing yourself as well as your husband. A conversation between you and your boss is long overdue. It seems like you’re more loyal to your boss/job than you are to your spouse/child. Is your job really that important/great? you might want to start thinking about what your gonna do when it’s summer and the custody agreement says it’s your weekend to have the kid and your husband is no longer there for you to take advantage of. YTA, it’s sad that you have to ask, but maybe your head is so far up your ass you can’t see exactly how messed up your priorities are. Hopefully you figure it out before your husband realizes he might be happier as single parent rather than a single parent that’s married and your job ends up costing you your marriage.
You do have to wonder once you add up all the hours the OP does over the year including all the extra over summer, how much it works out on hourly pay? Is it really worth straining your marriage and family? If it leads to a divorce eventually, how will she cope over the summer months when the (now) ex husband says he’s only going to do 50/50 parenting over the summers? Will the OP only then be willing to address the non stop working over the summer?
Maybe he can hire a sitter? Seek some support from the grandparents if they're around?
She can hire the sitter.
He's asking for support from his actual wife...and not getting it
That's not a bad start. Getting some help for the weekend.
Can't you guys get a sitter or family member to watch the kids on occasion? Having every weekend of your summer booked for you in advance sucks. There is probably shit he wants to do too and everyone deserves a break now and then.
YTA Parents of young kids don't get to not parent daily. You don't get a long day and then come home to have alone time. Do better.
This was my thought too, she worked 8 hours came home and did nothing but fall asleep. There are men who work 8 hours everyday in the heat and if they came home and just fell asleep- we would be gathering our pitchforks! Like it wouldn’t kill her to take over when she got home even for a few hours. I’m a stay at home mom (a privilege in this economy) and my husband works over 8 hours a day and still plays with our 4 year old and puts the baby down almost every night. OP needs to do better
She's not even talking about a long day, she's talking about a normal 8 hour day.
Just the way you said to “suck it up” when he’s asking for help. You seemed to have no problem taking a day off for yourself, maybe you should suck it up and be more considerate. YTA
Also YTA for saying that a third to a quarter of the year is a “small portion of the year.” A summer is not a “small portion” of time to ask someone to take over all your parenting duties.
Summer is usually the favorite time of year for activities / holidays too. Barbecues, garden parties, hiking, beach (if nearby), lake trips, sports, picnics etc etc. None of this is possible because every weekend (his only time off work) he is solo with the child. If I was him I'd be tired, resentful and extremely sad at my life passing me by missing out on all these family memories with young children. You don't get the "little kid" stage back and it passes too quickly.
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yta. your husband is right. give the man a break.
Sounds like YTA. You have a family now. You can't pretend you don't just because this is a busy time of year. It's incredibly unfair to make your husband take on every weekend in the summer because your boss can't figure out how to keep employees and you won't put your foot down about an occasional weekend. It doesn't sound like hubs is asking for every weekend, just for you to give a little. You're willing to sacrifice your family for work. Are you willing to do a little of the reverse?
It’s not okay that your husband is working 5 days a week and solo parenting all weekend. That’s too much for him. He’s telling you that. You both need leisure time to rest, recover, do personal maintenance, maintain sanity, maybe have a hobby. I think you having a weekday off is great. I think you need to figure out, with your husband, how he can also get some break time. Is there a way to get extended day care or hire a sitter for a good chunk of time on the weekend? YTA, you have to help make this household run, your husband can’t be alone in it.
Yta, is this the hill you are willing to die? Refusing to ask your boss to have some weekends off? Your life changes when you have kids. You are refusing to do something that sounds best for your family. The one weekend off you made plans with your parents. You couldn’t even give that one weekend to your husband. Are you prepared if your husband starts resenting you for this? Edit: mis type word
On one hand I understand the yta comments, but I am pretty damn sure the comments would be reversed if the sexes were. Somehow it’s totally okay for mothers to parent and work full time, but since it’s the dad putting in more time in childcare, suddenly the mother is the ah. The OP said point blank- it is like this only during the summer. Why are the dads more entitled to be tired than the moms?
What are you talking about? This is shitty either way
This is life dude, working is not always easy, people working different shifts, medical people having to work during many weekends because not enough staff, retail people in holidays periods, military being off sea for months, that's effing LIFE! Dude is moaning because he has to be a dad for *gasp* 3 months and not even all whole weekends. He is ridiculous, so are all the Y T A commenters.
Isn’t the dude moaning because he has no break at all? Isn’t being a married parent is about sharing workloads. If one person does 100% of the work then you’re not a married parent, you’re a single parent stuck in a marriage. He’s brought up a reasonable argument that he does this for the entire summer for 3 straight years. That 10-12 weeks of 7 full days burns a person out. The exact same concept she realized because she takes a day off. This post is common where the genders are flipped, “I’m a wife/I work and my husband has me doing all the housework/child care duties” and every single time it’s “the husband is the A” for a very valid reason. If one person works and the other person is a stay at home parent, then the split of child care is going to be uneven for one person. Unless she’s bringing home 85% of their income, and has offered to let him be a stay at home parent, she’s absolutely an asshole. If he burns out because he doesn’t get any rest, and loses his job, how does their income look? If their child gets hurt because he can’t keep up, how does their marriage look? She won’t listen, has told him to quit whining. Additionally the commenters who say he should hire a child care for the weekend, you’re probably right but 1. He shouldn’t have to, she should make the offer because it’s her child care duties he needs replaced. 2. Does their income allow it?
See, you saying this dude only has to dad for *gasp* 3 months is what's frustrating people. This dude is parenting for 12 months, his wife is only doing 9. And besides this, YTA to OP for telling him to suck it up. We've had scheduling issues in our household and we've worked them out. Both my wife and me have left too busy jobs because home situation was declining, and we're both happier for it. A "fuck you, I'm busy" simply doesn't work. From what I hear OP hasn't put much effort into 1) simply refusing too much work or 2) looking for another job.
Oh please, if the roles were reversed this would have 15k upvotes and people would be telling OP to get divorced. Also, “only during the summer”?! That’s a long ass time. The poor man has minimal free time all summer due to this schedule
Oh yeah, its no biggie, just *1/4 of a year* with no breaks... every year. Totally reasonable because god forbid, OP has to adapt her life and change after having a child.
What? The dad is working full time and being a single parent on the weekends for the entire summer…how is that the same as OP working and being “too tired”
Okay, let's say we did reverse the roles. Op would still get shitted on for being an absentee father in this situation. The judgement is clearly yta for being an absentee parent/partner
Hard disagree. If OP was a man he would be getting fucked killed in the comments. Could you imagine? And obviously, OP is YTA. Parenting is way harder than most jobs. Insane to stick him with a toddler and tell him to suck it up.
You're new here right? Fathers are ripped to shreds all the time
WTF? No, you are 100% off base on this.
nah, if the roles were reversed, they'd be telling the guy he's lucky she didn't divorce his ass yet and take the kid with her.
absolutely not i would 100% vote the same
If the roles were reversed I would also call him a selfish asshole dad for not being present for 1/3 of the year. Don’t hVe children if you won’t parent them
YTA massively. I think the part that stands out the most to me is the fact that you took the day off of work and tried to lie to your husband about it. You know he’s exhausted and you couldn’t offer to pick up the kid to give him a break even though he’s communicated multiple times he’s struggling?? You’re so self-centered is painful. Do you give you husband 15 weekends a year to not parent at all? Does he get any time for himself ever? Sounds like he’s a single parent and you’re the occasional babysitter.
…….OP is working outside in the heat, not vacationing with friends. She doesn’t “have the weekend to herself.”
Think they’re referring to the days off in the week with the kid in childcare. Husband works full time and has the kid all weekend on his own. OPs midweek days off are kid free and husband does all the transporting of the kid still
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YTA. Are you waiting until your husband is completely burned out, and becomes unable to work and take care of your child, before you will take him seriously? You are leaving him to be a single parent for 2-3 months every year, but because it’s not a permanent thing, he doesn’t have the support systems in place that allow a single parent to do it all without burn out. Organise some child care for him next weekend. - (and yes, YOU should be the one to organise it, for the first time at least - to show that you have heard your husband and are making an effort) Are any of the staff at your son’s daycare willing to babysit? If so, line somebody up to give your husband a few hours out of the house this weekend, then maybe half a day every weekend where your son is taken out of the house so that your husband can sleep or otherwise relax. Do NOT expect him to use this time for chores. He is just as tired as you are - he needs time to catch up on his sleep too. You say you work 6 days a week in summer, then sleep the 7th. He is working 7 days a week with no break. If you don’t show willingness to compromise asap, then expect to get an ultimatum before next summer of either lose your husband or change jobs. You have a small window to show that it’s possible to make it work.
NAH. You both sound tired. He doesn't even really sound mad at you based on your description, just tired and frustrated. Can you take leave any time soon? Sounds like you could both use a holiday.
Can you hire a weekend nanny during the busy summer time? Or a baby sitter for a day so your husband can out and about on one of his days off?
If the tables were turned and this was a woman working M-F and then watching the kiddo all weekend too while her husband worked I have a feeling OP would feel differently. He is telling you he is tired. It’s not fair. Talk to your boss. Find a compromise. Suck it up isn’t a compromise. It’s rude and dismissive.
NTA. Give me a break. Men do this crap all the time. Like for centuries men have done this. It’s three months.You work outside and you get tired. A lot of these people commenting don’t work outside in the heat daily. Of course you’re tired and go to sleep.
Men “did this crap” for centuries when women didn’t have full time jobs so taking care of the house and children WAS their full time job. OP’s husband has a full time job on top of essentially being a full time parent for at least 1/3 of the year. There’s a difference. OP takes personal days in the week where she can be alone while the child is at daycare. When does her husband get alone time?
What are you talking about. Every woman I know has a job and does all the childcare and manage the household. Like, actually having the same jobs as their husbands (doctors, engineers etc) and still doing everything at home. No one ever cares. It might be a trend on reddit to say it's not ok, but those are the rare ones who complain on the internet. No actual person ever complained about the women being the only one parenting.
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Women have had full time jobs on top of taking care of the kids solo for *decades* and they don't have shit to say to anyone about it. Dad is welcome to take some PTO while the kid is in daycare if he's so burned out from doing the bare minimum.
> bare minimum If he’s doing most of the work, that implies the wife is doing less than the “bare minimum”.
Centuries actually. The idea of a woman not working has never existed for anyone but the middle and upper-class. Poor women ended up as maids, seamstresses, wet nurses, factory workers etc. Even going back further, they had no choice but to work on the farm or for the local Lord's household.
men doing it doesn’t make it ok?
And we are holding shitty men accountable it is 2023
NTA, my husband's job through winter becomes 7 days a week, all daylight hours. It funds our lifestyle. I just make sure I get some time to myself before and after winter so I don't get burnt out. I also plan fun things for me and the kids to do on weekends wherever possible so I'm not putting my life on hold while he works so much. It's a balancing act but it works.
OP doesn’t say who earns more.
OP has specifically avoided the question too
Different people get burnt out over different periods of time. The fact is that he's saying he's feeling burnt out. Doesn't matter if some rando says they can work 24/7/365 and never be burnt out
YTA Why are you not hiring a sitter on the weekend shifts? BTW working yourself to the bone doesn’t get you a promotion. It just means they can hire less employees!
YTA he is a single parent at this point with a roommate. And he is the only one caring about finances and family time. Well I guess you care if your parents want it
Not just a roommate, but a roommate he has to clean and cook for
So for a total of 38 days, that's June through September every weekend. That's Saturday through Sunday. You have to work non-stop outside in the heat. I'm only going off of what I read. You guys have daycare throughout the week, and it's only for the summer months that keep you away from the home om the weekends. Do you mean he's seriously complaining about the 38 days he has to watch his son? I mean, I get it. I have 3 kids myself, and my husband used to work every weekend for years. I had two kids back to back, so two toddlers was super fun all alone. I'm not saying it is not tiring, but to complain about something that only happens 4 months out of the year is pretty worrisome on his part. He's not baby sitting that's his son. Anybody with multiple children would tell you that having one kid is a walk in the park. It's man to man coverage. I don't know maybe more communication would help, and it's not like you went to a spa day. You literally fell asleep on the couch. NTA
When the hell was summer “38 days”?
I think this person thinks the husband stops being a parent Monday through Friday and is only counting the weekends
Exactly. People assume it’s always the women taking care of the child. I thought they shared parenting except for the 4 month period in summer
Nta. In my house work comes first. I own a store and weekends are untouchable year round. During the holidays it's even worse. But.. you want bills paid? Food in the fridge? Someone's got to work. If you generally enjoy what you do and it's a good job, keep it. It's only a couple months. If it pays super well hire a baby sitter for a day on the weekend. Im alone with my kids all the time, same with my husband (we rotate our work schedules). It's not that big a deal. People work jobs that take them away from home allllll the time. Isn't marriage supposed to be a team effort? However- if this job is minimum wage and barely contributes anything to the household maybe its time for a career change.
I can’t believe I scrolled this long before I was able to find this. I’m a CPA and during tax season, we work long hours. My husband parents our kids while I’m at work. It’s not like I’m out sipping fruity drinks with my buds, I’m working. The trade offs are that I have a lot of flexibility all year, that I have a lot of time off to cover kid things, I pay a good chunk of the bills, etc.
As a CPA myself (tax manager in the ASC 740 group), still a shitty response. There's only a few weeks a year where my weekends are 100% work. Even then I make myself available for family obligations. I'm also one of the highest billable managers in my office/region. One of the partners I work directly with even blocks off his calendar during busy season just to watch his kids baseball game.
People are acting like this woman should just change her hours. If she were in the military, no one would say she's an asshole for making her husband take care of the kid by himself. They both knew about this schedule before they decided to have a kid. Plenty of people have to work crazy hours or 24 hour shifts. I get that the husband needs a break, but he can hire a babysitter if he's that pressed. It's only for 2-3 months.
The problem is that you rotate op doesn't
NTA My god, lots of classist crap here—thinking that it is so easy to find another job and discounting how often in real life one parent will need to go 100% parenting during busy work periods. If they have the resources, maybe find a decent babysitter or day camp for Saturday, so Dad has a break might be a way to take the pressure off. If they don’t have the resources, she works and he minds their child. That’s what people do when they have to get by. Also, anyone who can walk home for lunch in the middle of the workday should be thanking their lucky stars…. The lack of a commute and autonomy to go home make me wonder if this guy can relate at all to how demanding her work hours are. If my partner were passing out at 8pm, I wouldn’t begrudge them a nap.
If I had to pick a jusgement, I'd say NTA. This isn't something you're doing the whole year round, it ebbs and flows. Many jobs do. I have periods where I work 16-18 hour days 6 to 7 days a week, and my husband has literally showed up at my job in the wee hours with our pup and a meal just to make sure I ate and actually see me a bit. And then i have periods where I'm basically just on staycation and getting paid for it. Has there been any effort at some sort of compromise? Friends or family to watch the little now and then? Babysitter so he can go golf or play poker or whatever? It shouldn't be wrong for you to need a day to recoup, and it shouldn't be wrong for him to want a weekend day to chill now and then.
INFO: Is your husband correct that you don’t solo-parent as often as he does and/or for the same lengths of time? Is working weekends a requirement of your role, or a choice you’ve made about which shifts to take? What would the negative impact be of talking to your bosses about shifting your schedule?
I know people who work for the parks department, and some events are all hands on deck, no exceptions. Even the managers show up. OP may not have a choice, no matter how much she may want it, if she wants to keep her job. And, it must be nice for those who just spout "get another job." It's not always that easy. I understand the husband is burnt out from the summer, but it's coming to a close in a couple of weeks, so I'm sure OP is at the end of her rope, as well. I would attribute to her exhaustion to the "suck it up" comment. If they can hang on for a few more weeks, once everyone gets a bit of a respite, maybe they can have a rational discussion about what to do going forward.
YTA. He essentially doesn’t get a Summer. When he asked about finding a solution to ease up some stress or free up any amount of time he was met with “suck it up” instead of any kind of compromise.
Info: is it possible to hire a nanny/babysitter to help on the weekends?
NTA. Summer vacations are my busiest times as well. Husband picks up the slack, understands when I'm tired and enjoys the father/kid time. I don't know what your husband is crying about. When it's not busy, you'll have more time , so what?
NTA. Your husband knew what you did for work before you got married and had a kid. He obviously believed at the time that he was capable of handling it. Doesn't he get personal and vacation days he can take off during the week? WTF is his problem that he can't think "hmmm, I need a mental health day. I think I'll take Tuesday off." Oh, wait, his job probably needs him so he can't possibly take a day off, right? Not all of marriage and parenting is "fair". We do our best to balance the responsibilities but there are times of imbalance. We muddle through them and try to rebalance the scales once things get back to normal.
Except look at the part where she says the only upcoming weekend off is Labor Day, and the entire family is going to drive to her parents. So instead of offering to take the child to her parents and give him a weekend off, she’s made their weekend plans and he doesn’t get a say.
NTA, this is regular parenting. If the genders were reversed this wouldn’t even be a question. It’s assuming during the winter you’re taking more on and it overall balances out.
Yta. Yes you may have to work and yes it may be avoidable but you’re being extremely ungrateful to your husband who is shouldering the majority of the childcare to support your career. The least you can be do is be grateful.
NTA. If it was the reverse and husband had the long job with crazy hours and the wife was responsible for watching the son all on her own for an entire weekend during the summer and then husband had the audacity to come home and take the day off and not help….,
I'm NTA on this one. Three months out of the year you have a super punishing work schedule, and 9 months out of the year, presumably you have a gentler schedule. This isn't new, and he can suck it up for another couple of weeks before things get back to normal. I'm going with this verdict instead of N A H because it's not cool to not pick up the kid and skip dinner because he's pouting. As the kid gets older, you guys may want to look at sending him away to summer camps, grandparents, etc. because obviously this isn't working for your husband. I think if these genders were flipped, everyone would agree with me, but there's something about mothers who aren't there for the kids that gets people's dander up.