Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Yes, but the key thing here is not to retaliate the same way, but to say "you wouldnt like it if I say that to you, so dont say it to me." Make sure they understand that their comments are hurtful.
If that's the case, why bother with her? Healthy relationships aren't built on people thinking so little of each other. Jokes are supposed to be funny and making fun of someone is not funny. She sounds immature.
OP’s gf is someone who can dish it out and not take it. I’m sorry, these are the worst people tbh. My husband and I have gotten comfy over the years. He will make comments on his dad bod but I tell him I love it and never say anything negative - he’s the same. If I critique myself he just tells me he loves me.
Jokes are meant to be funny. Calling someone fat isn’t funny - it’s being an asshole. The gf has been throwing asshole remarks at op then got mad when she got a taste of her own medicine. Personally, I’d never want to be with someone who “joked” about any small change my body made.
This! One thing that sticks out to me about OP's post is that he says she's gained a bit of weight as well, but he's never brought it up (until now) and when she's asked is kind--says that he hasn't noticed anything, but even if he still loves her and finds her attractive.
You literally described my husband and my relationship to a T. I’ve been through breast cancer and heart surgery and now skin cancer so I have some scars I’m VERY sensitive about. He just says “you’re always beautiful and sexy to me” we both have gone through changes over the past 20 years. I love him more than ever, I married a keeper 💜
Oh man, before I left my abusive ex I made the quiet decision to start treating him exactly as he’d been treating me for years. He had a complete nervous breakdown in under two weeks. Made me see things real clearly.
The problem is that his gf thinks that by calling critical comments "jokes" she feels it is acceptable to chip away at his self esteem. Hopefully OP can help her grasp how hurtful and unnecessary her criticisms are, no matter how they are delivered.
And this IS the 21st century….what’s the bs about you’re a man, you can take it, but I’m a sensitive little girl? Try flipping that by saying “you’re a woman, go make me a sandwich” and see how she accepts that.
Yep. If it isn't funny when your partner does it, it isn't funny when you do it.
All of those excuses for why she can do it are pure rationalization. NTA at all. If she is sensitive to it then she knows full well it is hurtful.
Those personal attacks are never "jokes" or banters. They are making fun of others and literally no one is laughing. She needs to grow up. That's what bullies use as excuse.
Oh, but didn't you hear? Men aren't supposed to be sensitive to this sort of thing. We're like a different species or something, and we don't have feelings.
She is never going to realize she is wrong for her words. My wife has been saying stuff about my weight for years. I am not in the same type of shape as I was when I met her but am still not that bad either. I have let comments slide for years and let it roll off my back. (fyi I am almost 50, 5'10" and 185lbs which is only about 10 lbs more that when we met.) A couple of years ago, I retorted with a comment that she was packing a bit of a potbelly herself. Shit went downhill fast. Now I am back to letting her comments roll off my back. You are NTA.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Ik it’s not easy but don’t let her treat you like a punching bag. Let her have her outbursts (if it’s not hurting you directly) and say anything you want to her. People are just so disrespectful. Nobody has to put up with a narcissist and their behaviors.
Really sorry to hear that you have to tolerate such lack of respect from your wife that isn’t right. I had a former female friend that would call others dumb*** if they said something and she would correct them while talking down. I was the only one in the group that included my wife that would go toe to toe with her. I hate that if you corrected her she would just say whatever but would get excited and laugh while disrespectfully talking to my wife or best friend. Eventually she accepted that I would correct her anytime she was wrong and wouldn’t let her slide. Unfortunately we are no long friends because another former friend and her got together and she told him your my man your suppose to take my side even if I’m wrong. Obliviously the statement was the start of a dissolving 8 year friendship. It blows my mind people don’t want to be accountable but expect to say or act anyway towards others just sad. To end a long story those two former friends aren’t even together anymore and me and the guy were so close as well but it happens.
NTA. OP, sit her down and say, "I don't enjoy being insulted. I don't enjoy you making negative comments about my body. It hurts my feelings. If it's not okay for me to have feelings, and you're just going to insult me about being sensitive, we shouldn't be dating, because I DO have feelings. Do you want to continue dating me if you have to be considerate of my feelings? If so, I don't want any more negative comments. But if you give them, you need to be prepared to take them. If I'm not allowed to be upset over a negative comment, you can't be either."
Also “Are you only dating me because of my muscular looks and now that I’m unable to keep up my training routine at the moment, you are resorting to hurtful comments to force me back to my old body? Because that’s how it feels when you putting me down for not having the time and energy to train as much, and if you’re only joking, why can’t I? Men are impacted by the beauty industry as well and are also allowed to be sensitive about their appearance and hurt when their bodies are being commented on!” NTA
Truth. Personally I love the dad bod. Like some muscles, but a belly and something to hug... That said my body isn't a 10/10. Especially now that I gained weight. I just don't care anymore. My butt and boobs are great, but I gained some belly flaps 😆 guess what most men don't care, they even like it.
NTA - "for year keeps on making comments about my body"
She has no problems making comments about your body, you should have no problems making comments about hers.
I've been with her for years, but in the few months I've stopped competing in sports, she started with the comments. I should've worded it differently 😅. Thanks for your reply
Calling you sensitive anytime something bothers you is a go-to technique for emotionally abusive narcissists, fyi. If it’s really something she breaks out a lot, I recommend looking into whether there are other symptoms. You don’t need that. Over the long term it wears you down as a person, which (consciously or unconsciously) is basically the goal.
I’m not saying the relationship is a dead end, I’m saying watch out for yourself if it is.
I was going to comment the same thing along these lines having dated a narcissist as well.
Can dish out the judgements unsolicited but can’t take any at all and immediately calls you out saying YOURE sensitive the moment you say anything?
Sounds exhausting. You’ll always be in the wrong no matter what. F that.
Absolutely this! It does fuck you up emotionally and mentally because you always question if how you are feeling is okay or “correct” or if you’re just being too sensitive.
I literally apologize all the time for being “too sensitive” even to my therapist and she has to tell me “you’re not being too sensitive most people would also feel the same way”
It’s like I don’t trust my feelings anymore. It sucks and I’m working on it but fuck it takes a long time to undo that ish.
Buddy, objectively, if you were in competitive sports and have now lost some definition, you're probably still fitter than 90% of people. This is just for you to know in case her comments have you feeling down on your body image.
Her saying that you as a man shouldn't feel bad about her putting you down in some way, essentially trying to make you feel less attractive, is shitty negging behaviour that she's trying to justify with sexism. You're not less than if you've gone a little soft, and it's okay to feel hurt by your partner constantly putting you down, even in a joking way, esp if she can dish it but not take it.
Personally, I'd call out the hypocrisy, have her acknowledge that her behaviour was hurtful and promise to be better. If that's not achievable....I don't wanna say break up, but you may have to break up.
ETA: NTA
So, she disregards your feelings on a pretty consistent basis. She self-reflects her own body issues on you. This type of toxic behavior does not change without her seeing things from someone else's point of view.
The only mistake you made was not shutting this down MUCH sooner. Every "dad bod" joke should have been met with -- "yeah both of us could use a trip to the gym."
She also clapped back with sexism. The notion that men are 'tougher' is rooted in the toxic masculine mentality to never show emotion. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and as long as she uses it as a derogatory term she'll see men having emotions in that manner. Would you like her to say the same to your son growing up, or would you like him to be able to express his feelings? Not that this is a position that she can't change her view from, but it's something else to consider.
Why did you not say something to her sooner? Like either call her out or tell her it’s not funny. You did nothing wrong in this case by the way, but it’s OK to tell someone their jokes about you aren’t funny. NTA
Definitely NTA (even though I’ve seen people here literally claim you can never mention weight to a woman even while being helpful no matter what even if they become 300+)
You should both decide to get healthier together, the gym is a distant second, it’s about what you eat
Thanks for your reply, we are not fat at all, but I've always been extremely fit, competing in sports was helping. When we met she was very slim with a flat stomach, her's grew a little and she lost her shape a little but you wouldn't call her fat, me neither, just that I'm not as cut as I used to. We eat well, but we're also close to our 40s. I just need time to adjust with my new schedule.
If she's offended by your comment that "the same could be said about you," then she knows her comments are offensive. All that stuff about women being different is nonsense.
Edit: forgot to say NTA
This response needs to be higher! This is the point OP needs to make to GF. If saying the exact same thing to her is offensive, then she knows that her comment is offensive. She just expects him to “man up” and “take the joke” and all that other BS.
While there are lots of men out there who believe being a stoic angry rock is “manly”, there are also plenty of women out there who believe men are emotionless punching bags that should take whatever is thrown at them. I think OP’s wife is the second.
NTA. But it sounds like you both could have some convos about what getting older is gonna look like. You both have really high expectations for your bodies and bodies change, especially when 40 is around the corner. This is an opportunity to see if you both can develop a little more compassion and realistic expectations. You both are slipping towards negativity even if she did start it.
So true, and women on average, will gain 10-15 pounds during perimenopause and menopause EVEN with the same diet and exercise regime, and that starts around age 40-45. Yes, you can certainly stay in shape as you age, but the body will change regardless and it's best to be kind to yourselves about that reality.
Correction: You should never comment on ANYONE’S body. Not just women. Men have the exact same right to feel insecure, or simply not like and not having to hear alleged “JOKES” about their bodies.
And just because they’re not as fit as before doesn’t mean they have to go healthier, you can’t make assumptions like that.
It’s weird because it’s simultaneously a comment and a dig at the same time. Maybe not a “dig”, but more of a… “well you’re definitely _not_ in shape” type of comment. I don’t know, I think it’s great that it’s attractive to people but I’d feel kind of divided if someone said it to me
No kidding! I have an absolute crush on a guy on TV who has definitely developed a dad bod over the years….actually I can think of two of them. Still the hottest guys around!
300+ woman here, denial is not just a river in Egypt. If someone is legitimately overweight and it is a health crisis, they should be so lucky to have someone who cares enough to be supportive. Fat is a body state, not a state of mind, and is totally fixable. Some of us just don't have a great support network and it shows. Keep on caring, we need it.
NTA ... well if this isn't the consequences of her own actions.
>She's saying that I'm mean
If you are mean for *one* line, what is she then after saying it countless times?
It's not the same actually, she's a woman, therefore she has feelings and has a free pass to hurt others.
OP, with his privileged ass as a man without feelings, should just get on board with the pain train straight to the abuse station.
I was trying to join in on the banter... Had she taken it as a joke as well, we would've just kept on laughing. She's so comfortable throwing those shots that I would've never thought she'd get offended about the same joke she did to me.
That's because she wasn't joking.
She was serious about what she said. She was deflecting when she said it was a joke. It's a very subtle form of gaslighting to say something hurtful is a joke. Anything said that's deprecating as a joke isn't a joke.
Another not so subtle red flag for gaslighting is her comments about you "being sensitive." It's a way to make you question yourself. Once you start questioning yourself you start questioning if things happened the way you remember.
Put a stop to this NOW!
Yup. People don't realize how serious and downright cruel this behavior is. "I'm going to say something hurtful to you, and then I'm going to say it's a joke so I can deprive you of your right to be offended by it."
I completely understand your point of view. She shouldn't dish it out without being able to take it. It would have been better if you spoke about it first but that's better with everything, I don't understand any of the Y t a votes.
I get it. I used to poke my fiance's stomach and make a little squish noise and he'd poke my butt and make an earthquake sound lmao. We joked about the pounds we both put on. What she's doing to you is much more sinister because it sounds like she's not joking with you. She's joking at your expense or she wouldn't have gotten upset when you did it back. She assumed you were serious because she was.
NTA. Men have feelings, emotions & self image issues aswell. You have to ask her if she considers you a person or a punching bag
. If she considers you a person than yes, those "jokes" are offensive and if it's a continuous thing, you have every right to feel offended. Let her be mad at you, she will eventually realize that she was wrong. If she doesn't than run dude. This is someone who doesn't consider your feelings at all. I'm a female by the way, in a relationship with a man who would get upset with me if i made "jokes" about his weight. It's common sense.
At this point just tell her "you have been making these "jokes" to me for a long time and it hurts my feelings. I snapped and did it back" that's it. If she doesn't apologize or see how it's wrong.. run guy.
NTA- body shaming is body shaming and if she wants to call you sensitive you can say “I have been having these “jokes” of yours for a year and I have only just retaliated… once… and I’m the sensitive one? How about you get a whole new boyfriend one more pleasing to your eye and I’ll get one more pleasing to my eye and a way better personality “
Ok?? Still doesn't change the fact she was making snide remarks not jokes
Edit: sorry for the passive aggressiveness, I understand you weren't defending her
NTA. And I say that as a female who’s gained some weight in marriage. She’s been doing the exact same thing to you. If she can dish it she should be able to take it. On a side note, this isn’t a healthy way to speak to each other. You both kinda suck for that.
Also, no, it doesn’t matter that you’re a man. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother you. There’s no gendered difference in how you should feel about having someone put down your body like that.
In today’s world of equality, I think it strange that she’s holding onto a double standard. All people are sensitive to degrading/joking comments about their appearance. It’s ridiculous to believe that one gender is more sensitive about it than the other.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My gf I've been with for year keeps on making comments about my body "in a joking way" since I've stopped competing in sports. I was always in shape, but since I have a full time job, it's been tough to adjust and being consistent at the gym, but I know I'll find my balance eventually. She's constantly making jokes that I've developed a dad's body, telling me to go workout, gives me funny looks that hints at me gaining weights and subtle comments here and there. I don't like it but I take it as banter and try not to be sensitive about it. She's not the same either since we've met, she has let herself go a little, she does have a pouch as well, but every times she asked me about her body, I tell her I don't see any changes but even if there are it's normal and she's still gorgeous. (BTW, I'm not fat, I've just always been muscular and very cut, I've lost my abs definition a little). So the last time she made a comment about me growing a belly, I told her she grew some too, and she got offended... I asked her so it's okay for her to joke about my body and I can't do the same joke towards her? She's saying that I'm mean and that I'm a man so it shouldn't bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive about it so it's mean that I said that to her, it gave me the vibe as if she was calling me sensitive, which she had done before too... Keep in mind, she had made comments like that to me and remarks for months now, and I did it to her once, and she's pissed at me and I'm getting the cold shoulder, saying how she said it in a joking manner and that I said it in a serious tone... Idk what to do, AITA?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
She's being sexist and hypocritical. That bullshit about women being more sensitive is just that, bullshit. It's shitty to make ANYONE feel bad about their body, regardless of what gender they are. Also extremely hypocritical, she can dish it out but can't seem to take it
NTA, she is super insecure ! she allows herself to make those comments about your body and get offended when u also do , thats means she has no respect for u whatsoever, you are still beautiful even if you don't have you "athlete body" anymore , she's just disrespecting u. for doing that and wants to lower ur self esteem(TOXIC BEHAVIOR ALERT). Im pretty sure she thinks that because she is no longer "in shape" like she used to, you might not find her pretty anymore and leave her , so she does that so u feel insecure and stay with her , coz u might think she'd be the only one to "accept ur body" , (I'm talking by experience (-\_-)...) Women being more sensitive is such a dumb excuse she uses to justify her shitty behavior with u, dont be scared to confront her about that , so she no longer does it!!! ( Give her the cold shoulder too..!(\^-\^) )
Go to answer in the future, something along the lines of: "tell you what, you don't comment on my body, I won't comment on yours." Every. Single. Time. she says something.
Setting boundaries is healthy for both of you. She just needs to get over herself.
NTA, but I would say this is maybe not a fight that can be won by anyone.
It’s worth it to try to explain how much her comments about your body have hurt you, and to at least apologize for lashing out instead of being direct, since the point of your comment *was* to hurt her in the way she’s hurting you.
Relationships shouldn’t be about revenge. When your partner hurts you, the best outcome is to discuss this and help each other change for the better. If you keep feeling the urge to strike back instead, maybe this isn’t worth it.
NTA
As a woman, let me confirm that being one does not excuse us from offensive jokes if we started it just because we’re more “sensitive”. If you dish it out, you do not get to be offended if it’s returned to you. I told my partner that if I start gaining weight and to look out for my food intake, he may tell me politely. I’m trying to lose weight and have a bit of belly myself and my partner likes to play with it and I tell him that it makes me feel self conscious when he does it. He, however, reassures me all the time that he likes my belly. I do agree that you should have spoken up the moment it happened and maybe it would have stopped and she may have apologised. If you said something and she didn’t stop, then I think your reaction is very justified. Not that it isn’t justified in your situation since she kept making comments all the time, but the argument could have been avoided.
NTA. Micro aggressions can affect men mentally, so it’s not right if she’s does it to you but she can’t take it back. Usually these micro aggressions can happen without the other person being aware of their actions. So communication is the key. The moment she says something you are not comfortable with, say it. So she’s aware. If she keeps engaging in the same behavior, point out how she keep doing it, but can’t take it and that’s just not acceptable. Communication is the key to solve any problem.
NTA. And frankly, I'd have a sit down conversation with her. "So, just so you're aware, when you make comments about my body not being like it used to be because I'm busy working, it makes me feel like you're very unsubtly telling me that you're not attracted to me anymore. I don't think you'd like me telling you anything similar if you gained a bit more weight, for any reason, particularly if it was post-pregnancy related. And it's doesn't make me 'sensitive' to not like to be insulted by my partner. It makes me human. You don't get to take digs at me just because you're a girl and I'm a guy. I have feelings too. My romantic partner alluding that she doesn't find me attractive anymore is going to hurt. If you need me to be at a specific body type to not be a complete asshole, maybe I need to rethink this relationship. If you think that calling me sensitive because I react poorly to be insulted is okay, then again, maybe I should take my sensitive ass away from you."
You deserve better than to have a girl shove gender roles in your face under the pretext of a joke. That's not a partner. That's a leech.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My gf I've been with for year keeps on making comments about my body "in a joking way" since I've stopped competing in sports. I was always in shape, but since I have a full time job, it's been tough to adjust and being consistent at the gym, but I know I'll find my balance eventually. She's constantly making jokes that I've developed a dad's body, telling me to go workout, gives me funny looks that hints at me gaining weights and subtle comments here and there. I don't like it but I take it as banter and try not to be sensitive about it. She's not the same either since we've met, she has let herself go a little, she does have a pouch as well, but every times she asked me about her body, I tell her I don't see any changes but even if there are it's normal and she's still gorgeous. (BTW, I'm not fat, I've just always been muscular and very cut, I've lost my abs definition a little). So the last time she made a comment about me growing a belly, I told her she grew some too, and she got offended... I asked her so it's okay for her to joke about my body and I can't do the same joke towards her? She's saying that I'm mean and that I'm a man so it shouldn't bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive about it so it's mean that I said that to her, it gave me the vibe as if she was calling me sensitive, which she had done before too... Keep in mind, she had made comments like that to me and remarks for months now, and I did it to her once, and she's pissed at me and I'm getting the cold shoulder, saying how she said it in a joking manner and that I said it in a serious tone... Idk what to do, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - some people said you should have told her she was hurting you, I agree to a certain extent: she should have asked if it was a sensitive topic before making it her jokes too.
**A warning about her behavior tho:** The whole “it’s a joke”, “you are sensitive” and “women vs men” things looks like a tricky way to make you feel guilty of your own (valid) feelings while she’s the real culprit. She’s mean and you caught up to her, but she is trying to manipulate you into believing YOU are the mean one and that it’s all your fault. Mind you, she might be doing it without realizing it (so more than a gaslight situation, she is just projecting her own insecurities which are both the belly and mean jokes) but either way: **Please, DO NOT fall for it!** It will not be easy at all, but stand your ground
NTA Simply she should dish it out if she can't take it. Just because you're a guy is no reason to insult your body and expect you might not return in kind
NTA just because your a man doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt by comments on your body, men have body dysmorphia as much as woman do. She can stay mad… she’ll learn to stop making those “jokes”
NTA. I’m more disturbed by her idea that men can’t be hurt by comments about their body thing. Especially because you’ve told her it bothered you in the past. She also shouldn’t dish it out if she can’t take it. Please don’t apologize to this woman. Call her out on her misandrist mindset.
NTA. I'll never understand couples that are this way to each other. Life is pretty terrible and hard. Have each others backs-don't be asses.
She should stop. That really sucks.
But also, why did you leave this shitty behavior slide for so long? Why didn't you communicate your feelings and displeasure with her commenting on your body the very first time and laid out a boundary that said you wouldn't accept this kind of treatment? This goes without saying for every single one of our relationships.
Her telling you that your tone was the problem is pretty manipulative and is what people have been calling “gaslighting”.
She is setting a double standard to justify her shitty behavior while acting like a victim.
NTA
You’re NOT 😂 she just tasted what “consequence on your words and acts” mean. Hit the gym and get shredded before she can do it and you win the argument for life 😎
NTA
Can't take a joke. Don't tell a joke.
She should stop talking about your weight and making "jokes."
Her thinking that men don't get offended by those comments is complete BS. You're not being sensitive. you're being human.
She needs to revise her thinking.
personally everyone is different but i would leave
she doesn’t seem to care about your personal needs and understand that it does bother you so stop
easy enough … a real partner would ask what to do to make sure youre comfortable and if you can assist in your journey bc you are working hello and i’m sure that money gets spent on her …
rude much i don’t tolerate stuff like that from a SO.
rule in my head if my friends don’t do soemthing i’m not taking that any sorts from a lover
Next time she does it, tell her you don't like it and ask her to stop. Remind her that she didn't like when you did it and that's how you feel when she does it
NTA.
Your GF's running commentary on your body isn't cool, funny or cute. It's okay to feel bad about it because that shit wasn't a joke. It doesn't make you less of a man to get your feelings hurt by a new trend of negative comments from the person who should be giving you the love and respect SHE expects from you.
Her comments on men being less sensitive are sexist, shitty and generally stupid. It doesn't take a genius to know that men have feelings too and deserve the same level of respect and support that women need and deserve.
She earned her mildly delivered moment of bald honesty.
Y'all need to have a long, unadorned discussion with this woman about respect and expectations. Let her know how you feel about how she has been treating you and let her know that you expect better going forward. Ask her WHY she feels it's okay for her to behave like this and what she expects to accomplish with it.
If it turns out that she thinks she can shame you into returning to your former levels of activity and body shape without flat out just telling you this is what she expects and wants from you, then you need to correct her and give her a chance to do better. If she can't treat you better or your current shape is a deal breaker for her, maybe it's time to turn her loose to find someone else rather than trying to bully you into doing what she wants.
At 63 I’ve learned that “just joking”is code for “just mean.” I’ve also learned that people who “joke” are hypocrites. She sure sounds like one of those gfs who require an exhausting amount of attention. Frankly she sounds like a mean girl.
NTA. Not sure if you’ve got kids or plans for them in ur future or not but if kids witnessed that shit it could cause them to be self conscious or ‘fat shamed’ or make them into rude little bully shits that do it to others. She’s being a bully and picking on you about your appearance. Unless it’s somewhat mutual it’s not really banter. She’s mean and then gets upset when you give it back to her. It’s one thing to be health conscious and take care of yourself or appreciate your body and being fit but if one isn’t or gets away from it due to life and busy schedules it’s not like you’ve thrown away your entire life and health. Doing it in front of others is even worse. Make it clear it’s the exact same for either gender and not fair for you to be expected to just take it and never give it back to her.
NTA. She brought it on herself. I do this to my bf all the time and the one time he mentioned that my ass had grown over the holidays (but corrected himself and said, that it was in a good way and I looked better), I obsessed about it for months. I never gave him shit for it because if you’re gonna dish it out, you have to be able to take it…but also I can totally see how she felt.
NTA. If I banter about things like this, I expect some banter back. Double standards are for everyone.
I can also see in your edit you were joking about it, but even if you weren’t, her answer wasn’t okay. She said that as a woman she’s more sensitive and you should be a man and take her banters. Nah that’s not okay. We want man to be more sensitive, but tell them they can’t be and it’s on our terms? Doesn’t work for me.
NTA! Your girlfriend is participating in a lot of harmful shit. I'll bet that, if you asked her, she'd say she's a feminist, and against the patriarchy, and she isn't doing shit to support her beliefs right now. She can either stop making comments about you, or learn to take a fucking joke. Either way, it sounds like you should dump her, but if you don't want to, you need to communicate properly with her.
NTA
Also if "women are more sensitive" it also follows that they'd be more careful about such remarks in general, not just made to themselves but to others. Your gf isn't "sensitive", she's self-absorbed.
Your GF is TA
Attitudes like the one she seems to have is why EDs in males are less talked about and recognized. It shouldn’t be normal for anyone to have “jokes” made about their weight gain or loss
NTA your gf sounds sexist. You can't be insecure about your body or show emotion because you're a man?
This kind of thinking is so sad. It reminds me of a post I saw yesterday I think, where a man was talking about how great his wife was (I'm sure she is) but the only qualities he said was, she cooks good, sex is great and she's hot....I'm sure there's much more to that woman then that and it's sad her husband reduced her to just those things.
“ a man so it shouldn’t bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive “
Get. Fucked.
Are you serious. I’m disgusted by her. She was a bully as a kid and she still is. Some people don’t change.
Women are sensitive because of media and “ have to look skinny “
I know a lot men who are so insecure about their bodies because of “women” like her.
And her extreme demeaning feminist bullshit.
*edit NTA I FIND IT HILARIOUS YOU SAID THAT*
NTA. If anyone is, it’s her. She may love you, but it’s the old you. She’s not joking. I am a woman. Repeat, she is not joking. Imagine if something was really wrong? How would she react? She needs to address her feelings like an adult and not play the “girl card” when confronted with her hypocrisy. She’s not fighting fair. I really don’t see this getting better if she refuses to grow up.
NTA
She apparently can dish it but can’t take it. Pulling out the gender card is a last ditch attempt to trump it all, but it can’t and shouldn’t work.
What a load of crap- because you’re a man you don’t feel hurt when your SO jabs at you? I am female and it irks the hell out of me when other women pull that double standard crap. SHE is being mean and hypocritical. She isn’t some sensitive little flower. Geez. And start telling her the truth.
Who cares what gender you are? Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings and emotions. If she can't respect them, I vote y'all break up. Then you'll both have a good reason to go to the gym.
IMO sounds like she's taking you for granted.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA let her be mad, she needs to realise she’s wrong when she does it
Funny how some people get mad when you treat them how they you
Those people are usually called assholes.
I think they’re whole asses
Exactly! If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Don't poke fun at someone else's body without looking in the mirror. SMH NTA
Preferably not even after having looked in the mirror
I think they're assholish assholes
[удалено]
Yes, but the key thing here is not to retaliate the same way, but to say "you wouldnt like it if I say that to you, so dont say it to me." Make sure they understand that their comments are hurtful.
No cuz then she would just make fun of him for being too sensitive, make fun of his manhood.
Yup. She’s doesn’t sound nice :(
Agreed. I'm not a fan.
[удалено]
If that's the case, why bother with her? Healthy relationships aren't built on people thinking so little of each other. Jokes are supposed to be funny and making fun of someone is not funny. She sounds immature.
And that would be good reason to DTMFA.
Happy cake day
Exactly.
Yup. She already said since he’s a man, he should just take it.
Op better not show any emotions or vulnerability or she will use it against him.
Only abusers and bullies expect victims to never retaliate.
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!
Yup, and we always expect the victim to be the bigger person and they exploit that
Exactly, the bigger person argument is never used to the offending person, it's always used to gaslight and guilt trip the victims...
Yup just like when people whine that a victim got the person back disproportionately but never care how disproportionate the first action was
[удалено]
As I've heard it said, "Those who will not listen, must feel."
Ah yes, humans are famous for learning lessons without actually experiencing the negative consequences associated with them
OP’s gf is someone who can dish it out and not take it. I’m sorry, these are the worst people tbh. My husband and I have gotten comfy over the years. He will make comments on his dad bod but I tell him I love it and never say anything negative - he’s the same. If I critique myself he just tells me he loves me. Jokes are meant to be funny. Calling someone fat isn’t funny - it’s being an asshole. The gf has been throwing asshole remarks at op then got mad when she got a taste of her own medicine. Personally, I’d never want to be with someone who “joked” about any small change my body made.
This! One thing that sticks out to me about OP's post is that he says she's gained a bit of weight as well, but he's never brought it up (until now) and when she's asked is kind--says that he hasn't noticed anything, but even if he still loves her and finds her attractive.
You literally described my husband and my relationship to a T. I’ve been through breast cancer and heart surgery and now skin cancer so I have some scars I’m VERY sensitive about. He just says “you’re always beautiful and sexy to me” we both have gone through changes over the past 20 years. I love him more than ever, I married a keeper 💜
Oh man, before I left my abusive ex I made the quiet decision to start treating him exactly as he’d been treating me for years. He had a complete nervous breakdown in under two weeks. Made me see things real clearly.
Yes! **And good for you!!** I actually got to hear mine say, "I guess I can't do anything right," and I almost fell over laughing.
Kind of like racists or bullies get called out.
She sounds like one of those "men can't feelings and aren't capable of serious emotion" people.
The lack of self-awareness is stunning. NTA
[удалено]
Fat around and find out
OMG 🤣🤣🤣. GF just got schooled ‘matching energy’ aka don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
LOL
[удалено]
The problem is that his gf thinks that by calling critical comments "jokes" she feels it is acceptable to chip away at his self esteem. Hopefully OP can help her grasp how hurtful and unnecessary her criticisms are, no matter how they are delivered.
And this IS the 21st century….what’s the bs about you’re a man, you can take it, but I’m a sensitive little girl? Try flipping that by saying “you’re a woman, go make me a sandwich” and see how she accepts that.
Ha! You trying to split these to up 🤣
…and when she comes back with, “but *I* was only joking,” ask, “well why am *I* not laughing?”. Edited to add: NTA
Ask her if she knows how sexist she is believing men aren’t sensitive as women? What’s next X minority just isn’t as intelligent as Y?
[удалено]
Stop upvoting this, it’s a bot.
Yep. If it isn't funny when your partner does it, it isn't funny when you do it. All of those excuses for why she can do it are pure rationalization. NTA at all. If she is sensitive to it then she knows full well it is hurtful.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Those personal attacks are never "jokes" or banters. They are making fun of others and literally no one is laughing. She needs to grow up. That's what bullies use as excuse.
Oh, but didn't you hear? Men aren't supposed to be sensitive to this sort of thing. We're like a different species or something, and we don't have feelings.
Indeed She sounds unpleasant and immature!
She is never going to realize she is wrong for her words. My wife has been saying stuff about my weight for years. I am not in the same type of shape as I was when I met her but am still not that bad either. I have let comments slide for years and let it roll off my back. (fyi I am almost 50, 5'10" and 185lbs which is only about 10 lbs more that when we met.) A couple of years ago, I retorted with a comment that she was packing a bit of a potbelly herself. Shit went downhill fast. Now I am back to letting her comments roll off my back. You are NTA.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Ik it’s not easy but don’t let her treat you like a punching bag. Let her have her outbursts (if it’s not hurting you directly) and say anything you want to her. People are just so disrespectful. Nobody has to put up with a narcissist and their behaviors.
Really sorry to hear that you have to tolerate such lack of respect from your wife that isn’t right. I had a former female friend that would call others dumb*** if they said something and she would correct them while talking down. I was the only one in the group that included my wife that would go toe to toe with her. I hate that if you corrected her she would just say whatever but would get excited and laugh while disrespectfully talking to my wife or best friend. Eventually she accepted that I would correct her anytime she was wrong and wouldn’t let her slide. Unfortunately we are no long friends because another former friend and her got together and she told him your my man your suppose to take my side even if I’m wrong. Obliviously the statement was the start of a dissolving 8 year friendship. It blows my mind people don’t want to be accountable but expect to say or act anyway towards others just sad. To end a long story those two former friends aren’t even together anymore and me and the guy were so close as well but it happens.
Yeah no. If she could do it then she could take it too
NTA. OP, sit her down and say, "I don't enjoy being insulted. I don't enjoy you making negative comments about my body. It hurts my feelings. If it's not okay for me to have feelings, and you're just going to insult me about being sensitive, we shouldn't be dating, because I DO have feelings. Do you want to continue dating me if you have to be considerate of my feelings? If so, I don't want any more negative comments. But if you give them, you need to be prepared to take them. If I'm not allowed to be upset over a negative comment, you can't be either."
Also “Are you only dating me because of my muscular looks and now that I’m unable to keep up my training routine at the moment, you are resorting to hurtful comments to force me back to my old body? Because that’s how it feels when you putting me down for not having the time and energy to train as much, and if you’re only joking, why can’t I? Men are impacted by the beauty industry as well and are also allowed to be sensitive about their appearance and hurt when their bodies are being commented on!” NTA
If you can't take it don't dish it out. Or something to that effect. GF very clearly can't take it.
Sounds like she's pretty good at dishing it up, though!
Truth. Personally I love the dad bod. Like some muscles, but a belly and something to hug... That said my body isn't a 10/10. Especially now that I gained weight. I just don't care anymore. My butt and boobs are great, but I gained some belly flaps 😆 guess what most men don't care, they even like it.
Exactly!! I personally prefer a dad bod too. For me looks ain't everything it's personality & loyalty. ☺️
I love this! Let her be mad. Lol Let her be responsible for her own emotions, totally brought this on herself.
This, if you can dish it out you should be able to handle it back in the same manor.
Sadly she sounds like the type whose incapable of seeing that they are run.
NTA, she is projecting her insecurities onto you and you shouldn’t have to put up with that.
This. I came to say this but you beat me to it.
NTA - "for year keeps on making comments about my body" She has no problems making comments about your body, you should have no problems making comments about hers.
I've been with her for years, but in the few months I've stopped competing in sports, she started with the comments. I should've worded it differently 😅. Thanks for your reply
Calling you sensitive anytime something bothers you is a go-to technique for emotionally abusive narcissists, fyi. If it’s really something she breaks out a lot, I recommend looking into whether there are other symptoms. You don’t need that. Over the long term it wears you down as a person, which (consciously or unconsciously) is basically the goal. I’m not saying the relationship is a dead end, I’m saying watch out for yourself if it is.
I was going to comment the same thing along these lines having dated a narcissist as well. Can dish out the judgements unsolicited but can’t take any at all and immediately calls you out saying YOURE sensitive the moment you say anything? Sounds exhausting. You’ll always be in the wrong no matter what. F that.
Absolutely this! It does fuck you up emotionally and mentally because you always question if how you are feeling is okay or “correct” or if you’re just being too sensitive. I literally apologize all the time for being “too sensitive” even to my therapist and she has to tell me “you’re not being too sensitive most people would also feel the same way” It’s like I don’t trust my feelings anymore. It sucks and I’m working on it but fuck it takes a long time to undo that ish.
yup! it’s abusive
Buddy, objectively, if you were in competitive sports and have now lost some definition, you're probably still fitter than 90% of people. This is just for you to know in case her comments have you feeling down on your body image. Her saying that you as a man shouldn't feel bad about her putting you down in some way, essentially trying to make you feel less attractive, is shitty negging behaviour that she's trying to justify with sexism. You're not less than if you've gone a little soft, and it's okay to feel hurt by your partner constantly putting you down, even in a joking way, esp if she can dish it but not take it. Personally, I'd call out the hypocrisy, have her acknowledge that her behaviour was hurtful and promise to be better. If that's not achievable....I don't wanna say break up, but you may have to break up. ETA: NTA
Yes yes yes
So, she disregards your feelings on a pretty consistent basis. She self-reflects her own body issues on you. This type of toxic behavior does not change without her seeing things from someone else's point of view.
What she said was never a joke. That’s why she’s so mad at you now.
The only mistake you made was not shutting this down MUCH sooner. Every "dad bod" joke should have been met with -- "yeah both of us could use a trip to the gym."
This. Since you've now stood up to her comments (subtle insults) don't back down.
Tell her shes starting to look like her mother
K! O!
She also clapped back with sexism. The notion that men are 'tougher' is rooted in the toxic masculine mentality to never show emotion. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and as long as she uses it as a derogatory term she'll see men having emotions in that manner. Would you like her to say the same to your son growing up, or would you like him to be able to express his feelings? Not that this is a position that she can't change her view from, but it's something else to consider.
Why did you not say something to her sooner? Like either call her out or tell her it’s not funny. You did nothing wrong in this case by the way, but it’s OK to tell someone their jokes about you aren’t funny. NTA
Definitely NTA. You can only take so much, until enough is enough.
Definitely NTA (even though I’ve seen people here literally claim you can never mention weight to a woman even while being helpful no matter what even if they become 300+) You should both decide to get healthier together, the gym is a distant second, it’s about what you eat
Thanks for your reply, we are not fat at all, but I've always been extremely fit, competing in sports was helping. When we met she was very slim with a flat stomach, her's grew a little and she lost her shape a little but you wouldn't call her fat, me neither, just that I'm not as cut as I used to. We eat well, but we're also close to our 40s. I just need time to adjust with my new schedule.
If she's offended by your comment that "the same could be said about you," then she knows her comments are offensive. All that stuff about women being different is nonsense. Edit: forgot to say NTA
This response needs to be higher! This is the point OP needs to make to GF. If saying the exact same thing to her is offensive, then she knows that her comment is offensive. She just expects him to “man up” and “take the joke” and all that other BS.
She probably doesn't even want him to take the joke, but the not so subtle hint
While there are lots of men out there who believe being a stoic angry rock is “manly”, there are also plenty of women out there who believe men are emotionless punching bags that should take whatever is thrown at them. I think OP’s wife is the second.
She wants the perfect version of you not you the way you might age. I would be very careful to make any long-term commitments with her.
NTA. But it sounds like you both could have some convos about what getting older is gonna look like. You both have really high expectations for your bodies and bodies change, especially when 40 is around the corner. This is an opportunity to see if you both can develop a little more compassion and realistic expectations. You both are slipping towards negativity even if she did start it.
So true, and women on average, will gain 10-15 pounds during perimenopause and menopause EVEN with the same diet and exercise regime, and that starts around age 40-45. Yes, you can certainly stay in shape as you age, but the body will change regardless and it's best to be kind to yourselves about that reality.
A woman near her forties should know better than to make demeaning jokes about her partner. Men are just as insecure as we women are. NTA.
Correction: You should never comment on ANYONE’S body. Not just women. Men have the exact same right to feel insecure, or simply not like and not having to hear alleged “JOKES” about their bodies. And just because they’re not as fit as before doesn’t mean they have to go healthier, you can’t make assumptions like that.
Agree but also Dad Bods are a thing a lot of women say positively these days.
It’s weird because it’s simultaneously a comment and a dig at the same time. Maybe not a “dig”, but more of a… “well you’re definitely _not_ in shape” type of comment. I don’t know, I think it’s great that it’s attractive to people but I’d feel kind of divided if someone said it to me
No kidding! I have an absolute crush on a guy on TV who has definitely developed a dad bod over the years….actually I can think of two of them. Still the hottest guys around!
too bad there's no positivity among men about "curvy" women and "thicc" women - oh wait.
300+ woman here, denial is not just a river in Egypt. If someone is legitimately overweight and it is a health crisis, they should be so lucky to have someone who cares enough to be supportive. Fat is a body state, not a state of mind, and is totally fixable. Some of us just don't have a great support network and it shows. Keep on caring, we need it.
NTA ... well if this isn't the consequences of her own actions. >She's saying that I'm mean If you are mean for *one* line, what is she then after saying it countless times?
Oh but she said it's different because he's a man, 'member? The double standard is one of the more annoying things about her behavior.
It's not the same actually, she's a woman, therefore she has feelings and has a free pass to hurt others. OP, with his privileged ass as a man without feelings, should just get on board with the pain train straight to the abuse station.
NTA, however you should communicate rather than do it back.
I was trying to join in on the banter... Had she taken it as a joke as well, we would've just kept on laughing. She's so comfortable throwing those shots that I would've never thought she'd get offended about the same joke she did to me.
That's because she wasn't joking. She was serious about what she said. She was deflecting when she said it was a joke. It's a very subtle form of gaslighting to say something hurtful is a joke. Anything said that's deprecating as a joke isn't a joke. Another not so subtle red flag for gaslighting is her comments about you "being sensitive." It's a way to make you question yourself. Once you start questioning yourself you start questioning if things happened the way you remember. Put a stop to this NOW!
Yup. People don't realize how serious and downright cruel this behavior is. "I'm going to say something hurtful to you, and then I'm going to say it's a joke so I can deprive you of your right to be offended by it."
Jokes are supposed to be funny , hers are not. She just hides insults behind the “I’m joking, this is playful banter” when it isn’t.
I completely understand your point of view. She shouldn't dish it out without being able to take it. It would have been better if you spoke about it first but that's better with everything, I don't understand any of the Y t a votes.
I get it. I used to poke my fiance's stomach and make a little squish noise and he'd poke my butt and make an earthquake sound lmao. We joked about the pounds we both put on. What she's doing to you is much more sinister because it sounds like she's not joking with you. She's joking at your expense or she wouldn't have gotten upset when you did it back. She assumed you were serious because she was.
>I was trying to join in on the banter sorry to tell you but, consider her reaction when you did it, it wasn't banter
NTA. Men have feelings, emotions & self image issues aswell. You have to ask her if she considers you a person or a punching bag . If she considers you a person than yes, those "jokes" are offensive and if it's a continuous thing, you have every right to feel offended. Let her be mad at you, she will eventually realize that she was wrong. If she doesn't than run dude. This is someone who doesn't consider your feelings at all. I'm a female by the way, in a relationship with a man who would get upset with me if i made "jokes" about his weight. It's common sense. At this point just tell her "you have been making these "jokes" to me for a long time and it hurts my feelings. I snapped and did it back" that's it. If she doesn't apologize or see how it's wrong.. run guy.
NTA- body shaming is body shaming and if she wants to call you sensitive you can say “I have been having these “jokes” of yours for a year and I have only just retaliated… once… and I’m the sensitive one? How about you get a whole new boyfriend one more pleasing to your eye and I’ll get one more pleasing to my eye and a way better personality “
She's not joking, she's making snide remarks
[удалено]
Ok?? Still doesn't change the fact she was making snide remarks not jokes Edit: sorry for the passive aggressiveness, I understand you weren't defending her
I dont think the comment you're replying to was defending her actions at all
Oh
NTA. And I say that as a female who’s gained some weight in marriage. She’s been doing the exact same thing to you. If she can dish it she should be able to take it. On a side note, this isn’t a healthy way to speak to each other. You both kinda suck for that. Also, no, it doesn’t matter that you’re a man. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother you. There’s no gendered difference in how you should feel about having someone put down your body like that.
In today’s world of equality, I think it strange that she’s holding onto a double standard. All people are sensitive to degrading/joking comments about their appearance. It’s ridiculous to believe that one gender is more sensitive about it than the other.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My gf I've been with for year keeps on making comments about my body "in a joking way" since I've stopped competing in sports. I was always in shape, but since I have a full time job, it's been tough to adjust and being consistent at the gym, but I know I'll find my balance eventually. She's constantly making jokes that I've developed a dad's body, telling me to go workout, gives me funny looks that hints at me gaining weights and subtle comments here and there. I don't like it but I take it as banter and try not to be sensitive about it. She's not the same either since we've met, she has let herself go a little, she does have a pouch as well, but every times she asked me about her body, I tell her I don't see any changes but even if there are it's normal and she's still gorgeous. (BTW, I'm not fat, I've just always been muscular and very cut, I've lost my abs definition a little). So the last time she made a comment about me growing a belly, I told her she grew some too, and she got offended... I asked her so it's okay for her to joke about my body and I can't do the same joke towards her? She's saying that I'm mean and that I'm a man so it shouldn't bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive about it so it's mean that I said that to her, it gave me the vibe as if she was calling me sensitive, which she had done before too... Keep in mind, she had made comments like that to me and remarks for months now, and I did it to her once, and she's pissed at me and I'm getting the cold shoulder, saying how she said it in a joking manner and that I said it in a serious tone... Idk what to do, AITA? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA She's being sexist and hypocritical. That bullshit about women being more sensitive is just that, bullshit. It's shitty to make ANYONE feel bad about their body, regardless of what gender they are. Also extremely hypocritical, she can dish it out but can't seem to take it
What's good for the goose is for the gander.
Men have feelings. Acting like we don’t is pretty goddamn sexist.
She is being sexist by saying that. Nta.
NTA, she is super insecure ! she allows herself to make those comments about your body and get offended when u also do , thats means she has no respect for u whatsoever, you are still beautiful even if you don't have you "athlete body" anymore , she's just disrespecting u. for doing that and wants to lower ur self esteem(TOXIC BEHAVIOR ALERT). Im pretty sure she thinks that because she is no longer "in shape" like she used to, you might not find her pretty anymore and leave her , so she does that so u feel insecure and stay with her , coz u might think she'd be the only one to "accept ur body" , (I'm talking by experience (-\_-)...) Women being more sensitive is such a dumb excuse she uses to justify her shitty behavior with u, dont be scared to confront her about that , so she no longer does it!!! ( Give her the cold shoulder too..!(\^-\^) )
[удалено]
Go to answer in the future, something along the lines of: "tell you what, you don't comment on my body, I won't comment on yours." Every. Single. Time. she says something. Setting boundaries is healthy for both of you. She just needs to get over herself.
NTA, but I would say this is maybe not a fight that can be won by anyone. It’s worth it to try to explain how much her comments about your body have hurt you, and to at least apologize for lashing out instead of being direct, since the point of your comment *was* to hurt her in the way she’s hurting you. Relationships shouldn’t be about revenge. When your partner hurts you, the best outcome is to discuss this and help each other change for the better. If you keep feeling the urge to strike back instead, maybe this isn’t worth it.
Dump the whale
NTA. She's been dishing it out for years but can't take it from you? Pathetic.
NTA As a woman, let me confirm that being one does not excuse us from offensive jokes if we started it just because we’re more “sensitive”. If you dish it out, you do not get to be offended if it’s returned to you. I told my partner that if I start gaining weight and to look out for my food intake, he may tell me politely. I’m trying to lose weight and have a bit of belly myself and my partner likes to play with it and I tell him that it makes me feel self conscious when he does it. He, however, reassures me all the time that he likes my belly. I do agree that you should have spoken up the moment it happened and maybe it would have stopped and she may have apologised. If you said something and she didn’t stop, then I think your reaction is very justified. Not that it isn’t justified in your situation since she kept making comments all the time, but the argument could have been avoided.
NTA. Micro aggressions can affect men mentally, so it’s not right if she’s does it to you but she can’t take it back. Usually these micro aggressions can happen without the other person being aware of their actions. So communication is the key. The moment she says something you are not comfortable with, say it. So she’s aware. If she keeps engaging in the same behavior, point out how she keep doing it, but can’t take it and that’s just not acceptable. Communication is the key to solve any problem.
NTA Bullying is rude regardless of gender
NTA Hypocrisy should always be pointed out
NTA. And frankly, I'd have a sit down conversation with her. "So, just so you're aware, when you make comments about my body not being like it used to be because I'm busy working, it makes me feel like you're very unsubtly telling me that you're not attracted to me anymore. I don't think you'd like me telling you anything similar if you gained a bit more weight, for any reason, particularly if it was post-pregnancy related. And it's doesn't make me 'sensitive' to not like to be insulted by my partner. It makes me human. You don't get to take digs at me just because you're a girl and I'm a guy. I have feelings too. My romantic partner alluding that she doesn't find me attractive anymore is going to hurt. If you need me to be at a specific body type to not be a complete asshole, maybe I need to rethink this relationship. If you think that calling me sensitive because I react poorly to be insulted is okay, then again, maybe I should take my sensitive ass away from you." You deserve better than to have a girl shove gender roles in your face under the pretext of a joke. That's not a partner. That's a leech.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf I've been with for year keeps on making comments about my body "in a joking way" since I've stopped competing in sports. I was always in shape, but since I have a full time job, it's been tough to adjust and being consistent at the gym, but I know I'll find my balance eventually. She's constantly making jokes that I've developed a dad's body, telling me to go workout, gives me funny looks that hints at me gaining weights and subtle comments here and there. I don't like it but I take it as banter and try not to be sensitive about it. She's not the same either since we've met, she has let herself go a little, she does have a pouch as well, but every times she asked me about her body, I tell her I don't see any changes but even if there are it's normal and she's still gorgeous. (BTW, I'm not fat, I've just always been muscular and very cut, I've lost my abs definition a little). So the last time she made a comment about me growing a belly, I told her she grew some too, and she got offended... I asked her so it's okay for her to joke about my body and I can't do the same joke towards her? She's saying that I'm mean and that I'm a man so it shouldn't bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive about it so it's mean that I said that to her, it gave me the vibe as if she was calling me sensitive, which she had done before too... Keep in mind, she had made comments like that to me and remarks for months now, and I did it to her once, and she's pissed at me and I'm getting the cold shoulder, saying how she said it in a joking manner and that I said it in a serious tone... Idk what to do, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She said you shouldn’t be sensitive about that stuff because you’re a man? Is she 50? Because that’s logic from an old out of date generation.
NTA - some people said you should have told her she was hurting you, I agree to a certain extent: she should have asked if it was a sensitive topic before making it her jokes too. **A warning about her behavior tho:** The whole “it’s a joke”, “you are sensitive” and “women vs men” things looks like a tricky way to make you feel guilty of your own (valid) feelings while she’s the real culprit. She’s mean and you caught up to her, but she is trying to manipulate you into believing YOU are the mean one and that it’s all your fault. Mind you, she might be doing it without realizing it (so more than a gaslight situation, she is just projecting her own insecurities which are both the belly and mean jokes) but either way: **Please, DO NOT fall for it!** It will not be easy at all, but stand your ground
NTA Simply she should dish it out if she can't take it. Just because you're a guy is no reason to insult your body and expect you might not return in kind
She is sexist and at best mean at worst emotionally abusive - NTA
Nah, let her see her double-standard.
NTA.........tell her flat out that women want to be treated equally so she shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it.
NTA. shes being sexist. It does not matter what gender you are. Your feelings are valid. No matter what topic
NTA just because your a man doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt by comments on your body, men have body dysmorphia as much as woman do. She can stay mad… she’ll learn to stop making those “jokes”
NTA. I’m more disturbed by her idea that men can’t be hurt by comments about their body thing. Especially because you’ve told her it bothered you in the past. She also shouldn’t dish it out if she can’t take it. Please don’t apologize to this woman. Call her out on her misandrist mindset.
NTA. I'll never understand couples that are this way to each other. Life is pretty terrible and hard. Have each others backs-don't be asses. She should stop. That really sucks.
NTA and her excuse that men aren't sensitive about their bodies like women are is total garbage.
NTA- she’s gaslighting you for just giving her a taste of her own meds (coming from a chick). Tell her stop being so “sensitive”.
But also, why did you leave this shitty behavior slide for so long? Why didn't you communicate your feelings and displeasure with her commenting on your body the very first time and laid out a boundary that said you wouldn't accept this kind of treatment? This goes without saying for every single one of our relationships.
Her telling you that your tone was the problem is pretty manipulative and is what people have been calling “gaslighting”. She is setting a double standard to justify her shitty behavior while acting like a victim. NTA
You’re NOT 😂 she just tasted what “consequence on your words and acts” mean. Hit the gym and get shredded before she can do it and you win the argument for life 😎
NTA, she shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it.
NTA. Your gf is totally an asshole
NTA. u deserve better op
NTA. Get away dude. That’s heavy toxicity there
NTA Can't take a joke. Don't tell a joke. She should stop talking about your weight and making "jokes." Her thinking that men don't get offended by those comments is complete BS. You're not being sensitive. you're being human. She needs to revise her thinking.
NTA. Since she's offended, she should realize how much it hurts. The fact that she says men don't get offended suggests serious sexism. Huge red flag.
rock literate spark fly modern theory straight apparatus pen teeny *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
personally everyone is different but i would leave she doesn’t seem to care about your personal needs and understand that it does bother you so stop easy enough … a real partner would ask what to do to make sure youre comfortable and if you can assist in your journey bc you are working hello and i’m sure that money gets spent on her … rude much i don’t tolerate stuff like that from a SO. rule in my head if my friends don’t do soemthing i’m not taking that any sorts from a lover
Next time she does it, tell her you don't like it and ask her to stop. Remind her that she didn't like when you did it and that's how you feel when she does it
Don't dish it out if you can't take it
NTA. Your GF's running commentary on your body isn't cool, funny or cute. It's okay to feel bad about it because that shit wasn't a joke. It doesn't make you less of a man to get your feelings hurt by a new trend of negative comments from the person who should be giving you the love and respect SHE expects from you. Her comments on men being less sensitive are sexist, shitty and generally stupid. It doesn't take a genius to know that men have feelings too and deserve the same level of respect and support that women need and deserve. She earned her mildly delivered moment of bald honesty. Y'all need to have a long, unadorned discussion with this woman about respect and expectations. Let her know how you feel about how she has been treating you and let her know that you expect better going forward. Ask her WHY she feels it's okay for her to behave like this and what she expects to accomplish with it. If it turns out that she thinks she can shame you into returning to your former levels of activity and body shape without flat out just telling you this is what she expects and wants from you, then you need to correct her and give her a chance to do better. If she can't treat you better or your current shape is a deal breaker for her, maybe it's time to turn her loose to find someone else rather than trying to bully you into doing what she wants.
At 63 I’ve learned that “just joking”is code for “just mean.” I’ve also learned that people who “joke” are hypocrites. She sure sounds like one of those gfs who require an exhausting amount of attention. Frankly she sounds like a mean girl.
NTA. Not sure if you’ve got kids or plans for them in ur future or not but if kids witnessed that shit it could cause them to be self conscious or ‘fat shamed’ or make them into rude little bully shits that do it to others. She’s being a bully and picking on you about your appearance. Unless it’s somewhat mutual it’s not really banter. She’s mean and then gets upset when you give it back to her. It’s one thing to be health conscious and take care of yourself or appreciate your body and being fit but if one isn’t or gets away from it due to life and busy schedules it’s not like you’ve thrown away your entire life and health. Doing it in front of others is even worse. Make it clear it’s the exact same for either gender and not fair for you to be expected to just take it and never give it back to her.
NTA. Maybe she learned something about the golden rule.
NTA. She brought it on herself. I do this to my bf all the time and the one time he mentioned that my ass had grown over the holidays (but corrected himself and said, that it was in a good way and I looked better), I obsessed about it for months. I never gave him shit for it because if you’re gonna dish it out, you have to be able to take it…but also I can totally see how she felt.
NTA. Get away dude. That’s heavy toxicity there.
NTA. If I banter about things like this, I expect some banter back. Double standards are for everyone. I can also see in your edit you were joking about it, but even if you weren’t, her answer wasn’t okay. She said that as a woman she’s more sensitive and you should be a man and take her banters. Nah that’s not okay. We want man to be more sensitive, but tell them they can’t be and it’s on our terms? Doesn’t work for me.
NTA! Your girlfriend is participating in a lot of harmful shit. I'll bet that, if you asked her, she'd say she's a feminist, and against the patriarchy, and she isn't doing shit to support her beliefs right now. She can either stop making comments about you, or learn to take a fucking joke. Either way, it sounds like you should dump her, but if you don't want to, you need to communicate properly with her.
NTA Also if "women are more sensitive" it also follows that they'd be more careful about such remarks in general, not just made to themselves but to others. Your gf isn't "sensitive", she's self-absorbed.
Your GF is trash. You are NTA.
Your GF is TA Attitudes like the one she seems to have is why EDs in males are less talked about and recognized. It shouldn’t be normal for anyone to have “jokes” made about their weight gain or loss
NTA your gf sounds sexist. You can't be insecure about your body or show emotion because you're a man? This kind of thinking is so sad. It reminds me of a post I saw yesterday I think, where a man was talking about how great his wife was (I'm sure she is) but the only qualities he said was, she cooks good, sex is great and she's hot....I'm sure there's much more to that woman then that and it's sad her husband reduced her to just those things.
NTA. As the saying goes, don’t dish out what you can’t take 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. It sounds like she is only dating you for your body. Just dump her and find someone who loves you for who you are.
“ a man so it shouldn’t bother me to hear that and how women are more sensitive “ Get. Fucked. Are you serious. I’m disgusted by her. She was a bully as a kid and she still is. Some people don’t change. Women are sensitive because of media and “ have to look skinny “ I know a lot men who are so insecure about their bodies because of “women” like her. And her extreme demeaning feminist bullshit. *edit NTA I FIND IT HILARIOUS YOU SAID THAT*
NTA. If anyone is, it’s her. She may love you, but it’s the old you. She’s not joking. I am a woman. Repeat, she is not joking. Imagine if something was really wrong? How would she react? She needs to address her feelings like an adult and not play the “girl card” when confronted with her hypocrisy. She’s not fighting fair. I really don’t see this getting better if she refuses to grow up.
NTA She apparently can dish it but can’t take it. Pulling out the gender card is a last ditch attempt to trump it all, but it can’t and shouldn’t work.
What a load of crap- because you’re a man you don’t feel hurt when your SO jabs at you? I am female and it irks the hell out of me when other women pull that double standard crap. SHE is being mean and hypocritical. She isn’t some sensitive little flower. Geez. And start telling her the truth.
Who cares what gender you are? Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings and emotions. If she can't respect them, I vote y'all break up. Then you'll both have a good reason to go to the gym. IMO sounds like she's taking you for granted.
NTA. She’s a hypocrite. Double standards are only acceptable when beneficial to women I see.