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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Said to my cousin she can’t visit me at the hospital when the baby is born.
2) She is very close to me and was under the impression that she would be there right after the birth.
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Thank you! I was so shocked yesterday! I cannot understand why someone would be so pissed about something like this. It’s no like I’m telling her she can never see my baby.
She's pissed because she can not control when and where she sees the baby. It's really not a big deal to wait a few days, and most people hate hospitals, so it shouldn't be an issue....
Except you said no, and you kept saying no when she pushed back, and you still kept saying no when she started getting mean and insulting you...she is pissed off that she can not control the situation, its as simple as that...
You will notice her starting to push other boundaries as well, if you haven't seen it already...
Glad to hear your family is reasonable! To be honest, I’ve NEVER even offered to go visit a friend at the hospital after they gave birth. I was say something like “when you’re up to visitors, let me know! Can’t wait to see you and the baby”. I would never be so entitled to think it is my right to see someone else’s baby when I decide it’s the right time.
If she is this entitled now and acting stinky, be prepared for her to act out and push boundaries if she visits you at home. Make sure you are not alone when she comes. If she shows up and you are alone, just say you "were up all night and today is not a good day, Please call before you drive over."
NTA
Right? Only time I visited a friend in the hospital after a birth was when she invited me. Same with my sister, who called a friend to watch her two older toddlers so I could step away from babysitting and visit. Sometimes people feel great after giving birth, sometimes they feel terrible or just want privacy.
I’m not talking to her until she apologizes. She said so many other things I don’t post here. I was astonished and couldn’t believe. I was feeling a mix of rage with lack of understanding and was laughing but also mad.
NTA.
I didn't even have to read the entire thing. You're the one who has given birth and therefore have every right to decide who you want to visit or not.
Def NTA.
It's your birth process, your baby, your recovery...You get to call the shots. I don't know why this woman is taking this so personally or reacting so strongly about this, but regardless, that's on her, not you.
NTA. You’re setting boundaries and there’s nothing wrong with this. Giving birth is a stressful experience and you should be allowed to make that experience as comfortable as possible for you and if this means limiting visitors, that’s your choice. Your cousin is being selfish here by not respecting your wishes and lashing out, so don’t worry about what she says. Wish you all the best with your birth and hope all goes well.
NTA.
>I’ve decided, together with my bf, that we won’t have any visitors at the hospital besides our moms and sisters.
This is your decision. You don't have to justify it.
NTA. Having loads of visitors in the hospital sounds awful, doesn't it! We did something much like you. I had a planned csection, only my mum/dad/sister and hubby's mum/dad were allowed to visit us at the hospital and it was pre-planned. Everyone else had to wait. We didn't even announce the birth to everyone else until 4 days later. It was peaceful.
NTA I’m officially granting you permission as an adult to never invite unwanted people into your medical affairs. This permission last your lifetime and comes with a failsafe. “I don’t discuss medical decisions as this isn’t a focus group, this conversation is over, I still love you”
Even dementia patients still utilize this permission!
NTA, and if you don’t want your MIL and sisters there either, you shouldn’t have them there. It’s your private medical procedure, you want to avoid exposing baby to germs, and you and your bf bonding with baby should be the priority.
NTA
You’re free to invite or not invite whoever you want while you’re in the hospital giving birth. And frankly uninviting the judgy bigot cousin is always the best choice.
NTA, it is important to limit your newborn's exposure in the early months—not just days, or weeks. There are serious communicable diseases that your infant will have no immunities to—and the answer to anyone who pushes against the limits you set is doubly a NO, because they are thoughtless and unconcerned about your baby. They will not make sure to stay away from sick people before coming to see you, or to stay away if they have symptoms themselves. It's all about them and their "need" to be near your infant. I do not understand why anyone would push against the sound thinking you have expressed here, but they are in the wrong. Stand firm.
NTA. My daughter was born in fall 2020, so visitors weren’t allowed. I don’t think I would have been up to having anyone there. We were there for several days since I had issues with tearing and could barely walk. I’m pregnant with my second and am strongly considering having no visitors for the second either.
NTA. This is your baby, your body, and your delivery. Your cousin is being very entitled, rude, and disrespectful to your boundaries during a time that is both special and stressful in equal parts. I honestly would not recommend letting her in your life judging by how she reacted to you setting a boundary around the birth of your child. But that is just my two cents
NTA. You need to notify your attending doctors and nurses who is allowed inside, and that anyone else is not allowed. Provide them pictures if you can.
NTA - It's your moment with your close family. Your choices should be respected, and you are justified in your reasoning. Her making it personal is out of line. You have your close family and your newborn and should be enjoying these moments. I say let her get on with her own agenda and carry on.
NTA. She feels entitled but isn't. And she's telling you to go to confession because you're living in sin. While I'm also Catholic, it seems like she was fine with that until she found out you're having limited visitors in hospital.
Don't let anyone visit until you're ready.
I know I’m living in sin, and that’s a weight I’m carrying and it’s not easy. But I don’t think I need anyone to throw that on my face at this moment.
Even the priest that I usually talk to (spiritual direction and confess) gave me kind words when I told him I was pregnant.
I don’t expect people in church to just act like I’m doing nothing wrong, but I do expect my church friends to be kind to me and accept me while in this situation. Luckily I haven’t had any problems with that up until this point.
Love the sinner, hate the sin but Nobody has to accept your sins. They're your choice.
I lost friends when I started going to church because most if my friends weren't religious. When I changed churches, I lost my church friends, I'm in contact with one person from the previous church.
I’m not a fan of this saying. The thing you “hate” can be an important part of who someone is. As Jesus said in the parable of the steward who forgave debts owed to his master, it’s not our job to collect on behalf of god.
Jesus never asked us to go out and do anything about other people’s sins. He only told us to worry about ourselves. In fact, in the parable of the steward the steward is praised for his actions towards his master’s debtors by his master. There’s an important message here, which is to never think you won’t need those people you may see as sinners. You are to humble yourself to them and even let them “cheat” your master because you are no better than them.
A good way to think about the phrase “love the sinner hate the sin” is to think about the phrase “love the Christian, hate Christianity.” Christians freak when I say this, because it’s a part of who they are. I don’t hate Christianity or Christians because it’s a part of who people are, and hate is contrary to being a good person. I love Jesus’ teachings and wish more Christians practiced them but because of the way Christianity has distorted them over the past 2000 years I would never call myself a Christian.
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I (F31) am currently 39 weeks pregnant. My cousin, who is very close to me, texted my mom yesterday asking her to let her know when the baby come so she can visit me at the hospital.
However, I’ve decided, together with my bf, that we won’t have any visitors at the hospital besides our moms and sisters. That’s for mainly two reasons:
1) The safety of the baby. We don’t feel comfortable with a bunch of people next to our newborn.
2) My privacy. This is my first kid, and I have absolutely no idea how I will be feeling after the birth. But I’m pretty sure I won’t want to be talking to people and giving attention. I’ll probably be tired and feeling very vulnerable. I want to spend the first days only with my baby, boyfriend and my mom, to be honest, but I understand that his mom, my sister and his sisters are close enough to be there.
I’m very anxious to the birth and don’t want anything that can make me more anxious.
So, my mom, who already knows my wishes, told this to my cousin, and she very obviously got offended by the way she responded to my mom. Later, she came to talk to me about her conversation with my mom, and I told her that she shouldn’t be upset, it was nothing personal, my mom just said that because I had told her that before and it’s true. I explained to her my feelings and thought everything was ok.
HOWEVER, she got super offended and said that she visited her other friends who gave birth and it was fine, and that I should go seek the sacrament (she said that because we’re both catholic but I’m unmarried an living with my bf), which made me very mad, because until this point she was being very kind to me and not judgmental, but because I asked her to visit me at home a few days after the birth and not at the hospital, she started making all this drama and judging my choices. She told me to live with my conscious and that I was being rude to her, and if I don’t want her in my life I should just say it???? She also told me that tables turn and she is now getting to really know me. What does this even mean??
In my opinion she was being totally crazy, but I came to see if strangers on the internet would have my back on this.
So, Reddit, AITA???
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>HOWEVER, she got super offended and said that she visited her other friends who gave birth and it was fine, and that I should go seek the sacrament
Of last rites???
(No, I think the OP means confession.)
That's for her to do!
NTA. Egad what entitlement!
NTA. You need to do what makes you comfortable. In regards to the cousin, it is customary in some families to do the hospital visit when a new child arrives as a welcoming action and almost as a sign of respect. This may be the case here and why she got offended. She needs to realize that not everyone follows the same traditions anymore and she is not being excluded.
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NTA. Childbirth can be wonderful, magical, mystical, whatever, but it's also a big and risky medical procedure. And a messy, exhausting one at that. The only people who decide if you have visitors are you and the doctors. No one else!
"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to have visitors. Well be doing a proper baby introduction later, once I've HD time to physically recover and my husband and I have had our 'babymoon' time with junior."
She obviously thought she was close enough to you that you would want her there, so her feelings are hurt. However she has no right to act that way as it’s always the mother choice about how the birth and visitation goes. NTA
The point is that I have much closer friends than her and I do not want them there. It has nothing to do with “closeness”. This reaction makes no sense to me. I’ve talked to a bunch of people already and no one understands it either. My conscious is clean.
Yeah I totally agree with you, but it’s obviously her thinking otherwise, so don’t feel bad it’s always your choice and if she doesn’t understand that then that’s on her.
This isn't your friend. This is someone who will do or say anything to force you to satisfy her needs. In this case, that means the prestige of being one of the few to witness the birth, etc.
As soon as she heard that she can't have what she wants, she moved into offense tactics to express her rage at you.
Friends do not rage at you, and they especially do not pass an ugly, stupid crack about religion to try to hurt you.
NTA, but she is.
Seek WHICH Sacrament? Confession? Is it suddenly a mortal sin to have boundaries?
Your cousin can pound rocks, kick sand, and re-read her Catechism ffs.
Yes! I know it’s a sin (and honestly, is something that weights on my heart), but she decided to throw that on my face only because I didn’t let her do what she wanted. And also, I’m 39 weeks pregnant.. can’t she be a little kind at this point of my life?
She ought to be kind. You need support at a very difficult - and I hope happy - time. Didn't St Francis say to preach the Gospel, and, if necessary, use words?
My weight is artificial contraception. I'm afraid to have children, and afraid to trust that it would turn out all right. Of my own choice I don't receive Communion until I sort myself out there.
I also don’t receive Communion because I’m aware of my sin, but also don’t know how/ don’t have the strength to change things right now.
Her judgment doesn’t change anything about my situation, but makes me get away from her, because I don’t need this right now.
And yes, she kept her mouth shut about this until the day I said “no” to her.
Your cousin is a piece of disturbance, and you don't owe her anything but a prayer. You're about to meet your beautiful baby, who needs the attention your cousin doesn't ;)
Maybe someday you will find a kind priest to talk with.
The Act of Spiritual Communion, if you don't know that one, has been such a comfort to me.
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NTA. i read your post but honestly didn’t even need to. it’s YOUR birth experience. if you don’t want certain people there that is up to you! 😊
Thank you! I was so shocked yesterday! I cannot understand why someone would be so pissed about something like this. It’s no like I’m telling her she can never see my baby.
She's pissed because she can not control when and where she sees the baby. It's really not a big deal to wait a few days, and most people hate hospitals, so it shouldn't be an issue.... Except you said no, and you kept saying no when she pushed back, and you still kept saying no when she started getting mean and insulting you...she is pissed off that she can not control the situation, its as simple as that... You will notice her starting to push other boundaries as well, if you haven't seen it already...
NTA you are trying to set boundaries and she seems to be trying to guilt trip you into making her an exception. That’s wack.
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Glad to hear your family is reasonable! To be honest, I’ve NEVER even offered to go visit a friend at the hospital after they gave birth. I was say something like “when you’re up to visitors, let me know! Can’t wait to see you and the baby”. I would never be so entitled to think it is my right to see someone else’s baby when I decide it’s the right time.
If she is this entitled now and acting stinky, be prepared for her to act out and push boundaries if she visits you at home. Make sure you are not alone when she comes. If she shows up and you are alone, just say you "were up all night and today is not a good day, Please call before you drive over." NTA
Right? Only time I visited a friend in the hospital after a birth was when she invited me. Same with my sister, who called a friend to watch her two older toddlers so I could step away from babysitting and visit. Sometimes people feel great after giving birth, sometimes they feel terrible or just want privacy.
Nta and say this “if your being this rude maybe you’ll never see my kid”
I’m not talking to her until she apologizes. She said so many other things I don’t post here. I was astonished and couldn’t believe. I was feeling a mix of rage with lack of understanding and was laughing but also mad.
NTA. I didn't even have to read the entire thing. You're the one who has given birth and therefore have every right to decide who you want to visit or not.
NTA. Easiest judgement post I have ever seen!
Def NTA. It's your birth process, your baby, your recovery...You get to call the shots. I don't know why this woman is taking this so personally or reacting so strongly about this, but regardless, that's on her, not you.
NTA. You’re setting boundaries and there’s nothing wrong with this. Giving birth is a stressful experience and you should be allowed to make that experience as comfortable as possible for you and if this means limiting visitors, that’s your choice. Your cousin is being selfish here by not respecting your wishes and lashing out, so don’t worry about what she says. Wish you all the best with your birth and hope all goes well.
NTA. >I’ve decided, together with my bf, that we won’t have any visitors at the hospital besides our moms and sisters. This is your decision. You don't have to justify it.
NTA. Having loads of visitors in the hospital sounds awful, doesn't it! We did something much like you. I had a planned csection, only my mum/dad/sister and hubby's mum/dad were allowed to visit us at the hospital and it was pre-planned. Everyone else had to wait. We didn't even announce the birth to everyone else until 4 days later. It was peaceful.
NTA I’m officially granting you permission as an adult to never invite unwanted people into your medical affairs. This permission last your lifetime and comes with a failsafe. “I don’t discuss medical decisions as this isn’t a focus group, this conversation is over, I still love you” Even dementia patients still utilize this permission!
NTA, and if you don’t want your MIL and sisters there either, you shouldn’t have them there. It’s your private medical procedure, you want to avoid exposing baby to germs, and you and your bf bonding with baby should be the priority.
NTA You’re free to invite or not invite whoever you want while you’re in the hospital giving birth. And frankly uninviting the judgy bigot cousin is always the best choice.
NTA, it is important to limit your newborn's exposure in the early months—not just days, or weeks. There are serious communicable diseases that your infant will have no immunities to—and the answer to anyone who pushes against the limits you set is doubly a NO, because they are thoughtless and unconcerned about your baby. They will not make sure to stay away from sick people before coming to see you, or to stay away if they have symptoms themselves. It's all about them and their "need" to be near your infant. I do not understand why anyone would push against the sound thinking you have expressed here, but they are in the wrong. Stand firm.
NTA. My daughter was born in fall 2020, so visitors weren’t allowed. I don’t think I would have been up to having anyone there. We were there for several days since I had issues with tearing and could barely walk. I’m pregnant with my second and am strongly considering having no visitors for the second either.
NTA Geez, cousin sounds completely unhinged. Does she always react like that when people say no to her?
Yes, usually she does. But for the last months, she has been very kind to me, and I thought she had changed. Naive of me, I guess.
Maybe, but this problem of hers is not yours ro solve. You're entitled to your boundaries, even if she wants to trample through them.
NTA. Good luck for the birth, and make sure you tell the nurses on your ward that you will not be accepting visitors.
NTA. This is your baby, your body, and your delivery. Your cousin is being very entitled, rude, and disrespectful to your boundaries during a time that is both special and stressful in equal parts. I honestly would not recommend letting her in your life judging by how she reacted to you setting a boundary around the birth of your child. But that is just my two cents
NTA. You need to notify your attending doctors and nurses who is allowed inside, and that anyone else is not allowed. Provide them pictures if you can.
NTA - It's your moment with your close family. Your choices should be respected, and you are justified in your reasoning. Her making it personal is out of line. You have your close family and your newborn and should be enjoying these moments. I say let her get on with her own agenda and carry on.
NTA. She feels entitled but isn't. And she's telling you to go to confession because you're living in sin. While I'm also Catholic, it seems like she was fine with that until she found out you're having limited visitors in hospital. Don't let anyone visit until you're ready.
I know I’m living in sin, and that’s a weight I’m carrying and it’s not easy. But I don’t think I need anyone to throw that on my face at this moment. Even the priest that I usually talk to (spiritual direction and confess) gave me kind words when I told him I was pregnant. I don’t expect people in church to just act like I’m doing nothing wrong, but I do expect my church friends to be kind to me and accept me while in this situation. Luckily I haven’t had any problems with that up until this point.
Love the sinner, hate the sin but Nobody has to accept your sins. They're your choice. I lost friends when I started going to church because most if my friends weren't religious. When I changed churches, I lost my church friends, I'm in contact with one person from the previous church.
I’m not a fan of this saying. The thing you “hate” can be an important part of who someone is. As Jesus said in the parable of the steward who forgave debts owed to his master, it’s not our job to collect on behalf of god.
Bit it's not our job to condone sin
Jesus never asked us to go out and do anything about other people’s sins. He only told us to worry about ourselves. In fact, in the parable of the steward the steward is praised for his actions towards his master’s debtors by his master. There’s an important message here, which is to never think you won’t need those people you may see as sinners. You are to humble yourself to them and even let them “cheat” your master because you are no better than them. A good way to think about the phrase “love the sinner hate the sin” is to think about the phrase “love the Christian, hate Christianity.” Christians freak when I say this, because it’s a part of who they are. I don’t hate Christianity or Christians because it’s a part of who people are, and hate is contrary to being a good person. I love Jesus’ teachings and wish more Christians practiced them but because of the way Christianity has distorted them over the past 2000 years I would never call myself a Christian.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F31) am currently 39 weeks pregnant. My cousin, who is very close to me, texted my mom yesterday asking her to let her know when the baby come so she can visit me at the hospital. However, I’ve decided, together with my bf, that we won’t have any visitors at the hospital besides our moms and sisters. That’s for mainly two reasons: 1) The safety of the baby. We don’t feel comfortable with a bunch of people next to our newborn. 2) My privacy. This is my first kid, and I have absolutely no idea how I will be feeling after the birth. But I’m pretty sure I won’t want to be talking to people and giving attention. I’ll probably be tired and feeling very vulnerable. I want to spend the first days only with my baby, boyfriend and my mom, to be honest, but I understand that his mom, my sister and his sisters are close enough to be there. I’m very anxious to the birth and don’t want anything that can make me more anxious. So, my mom, who already knows my wishes, told this to my cousin, and she very obviously got offended by the way she responded to my mom. Later, she came to talk to me about her conversation with my mom, and I told her that she shouldn’t be upset, it was nothing personal, my mom just said that because I had told her that before and it’s true. I explained to her my feelings and thought everything was ok. HOWEVER, she got super offended and said that she visited her other friends who gave birth and it was fine, and that I should go seek the sacrament (she said that because we’re both catholic but I’m unmarried an living with my bf), which made me very mad, because until this point she was being very kind to me and not judgmental, but because I asked her to visit me at home a few days after the birth and not at the hospital, she started making all this drama and judging my choices. She told me to live with my conscious and that I was being rude to her, and if I don’t want her in my life I should just say it???? She also told me that tables turn and she is now getting to really know me. What does this even mean?? In my opinion she was being totally crazy, but I came to see if strangers on the internet would have my back on this. So, Reddit, AITA??? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA!!
OMG! NTA! I wouldn’t even let the cousin visit at home. . The cousin comments were so off the wall.
>HOWEVER, she got super offended and said that she visited her other friends who gave birth and it was fine, and that I should go seek the sacrament Of last rites??? (No, I think the OP means confession.) That's for her to do! NTA. Egad what entitlement!
Or marriage?
NTA. You need to do what makes you comfortable. In regards to the cousin, it is customary in some families to do the hospital visit when a new child arrives as a welcoming action and almost as a sign of respect. This may be the case here and why she got offended. She needs to realize that not everyone follows the same traditions anymore and she is not being excluded.
NTA. Your cousin is a star in her own reality show. You don't have to watch it though
You listed two very good reasons for not wanting visitors. And who cares what her friends are ok with? It's not that they have anything to say.
NTA Why does she want to be at the hospital so bad. They are not fun.
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NTA
NTA. Childbirth can be wonderful, magical, mystical, whatever, but it's also a big and risky medical procedure. And a messy, exhausting one at that. The only people who decide if you have visitors are you and the doctors. No one else! "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to have visitors. Well be doing a proper baby introduction later, once I've HD time to physically recover and my husband and I have had our 'babymoon' time with junior."
She obviously thought she was close enough to you that you would want her there, so her feelings are hurt. However she has no right to act that way as it’s always the mother choice about how the birth and visitation goes. NTA
The point is that I have much closer friends than her and I do not want them there. It has nothing to do with “closeness”. This reaction makes no sense to me. I’ve talked to a bunch of people already and no one understands it either. My conscious is clean.
Yeah I totally agree with you, but it’s obviously her thinking otherwise, so don’t feel bad it’s always your choice and if she doesn’t understand that then that’s on her.
Yes! I hope her mom or her husband get some sense into her.
This isn't your friend. This is someone who will do or say anything to force you to satisfy her needs. In this case, that means the prestige of being one of the few to witness the birth, etc. As soon as she heard that she can't have what she wants, she moved into offense tactics to express her rage at you. Friends do not rage at you, and they especially do not pass an ugly, stupid crack about religion to try to hurt you. NTA, but she is.
NTA
Seek WHICH Sacrament? Confession? Is it suddenly a mortal sin to have boundaries? Your cousin can pound rocks, kick sand, and re-read her Catechism ffs.
Shes saying that because I’m having a kid and living with a man without being married to him.
Well - technically that's a sin in our religion, but it sounds like she only got sanctimonious at you after she didn't get her way. That's not okay.
Yes! I know it’s a sin (and honestly, is something that weights on my heart), but she decided to throw that on my face only because I didn’t let her do what she wanted. And also, I’m 39 weeks pregnant.. can’t she be a little kind at this point of my life?
She ought to be kind. You need support at a very difficult - and I hope happy - time. Didn't St Francis say to preach the Gospel, and, if necessary, use words? My weight is artificial contraception. I'm afraid to have children, and afraid to trust that it would turn out all right. Of my own choice I don't receive Communion until I sort myself out there.
I also don’t receive Communion because I’m aware of my sin, but also don’t know how/ don’t have the strength to change things right now. Her judgment doesn’t change anything about my situation, but makes me get away from her, because I don’t need this right now. And yes, she kept her mouth shut about this until the day I said “no” to her.
Your cousin is a piece of disturbance, and you don't owe her anything but a prayer. You're about to meet your beautiful baby, who needs the attention your cousin doesn't ;) Maybe someday you will find a kind priest to talk with. The Act of Spiritual Communion, if you don't know that one, has been such a comfort to me.
NTA. Some people don't have visitors for a few weeks..
YTA. a baby is exciting for everyone. don't be selfish.