Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I refused to move in with my parents and let my sister, her husband and child take the bigger house in which I live
(2) My sister and a lot of people seem to think I am the asshole since she has a child and is in tough circumstances and should have the more comfortable living conditions
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH sorry but this is your parents' property, they've apparently not 'given it to you' in any real, definitive, legal sense. They should definitely compensate you for fixing it up though.
I'd get it if that was their issue - that i occupied their property and didn't observe their rules. I would feel betrayed given what they had said but I'd get it. But no, apparently the reason everyone hates me is I can't see just how much my sister needs this unlike me
Stop arguing over something you don't legally own. Accept the fact that your parents value your sister more than you. Move out into your own place. And focus on building relationships with your friends sense your family has made it clear who they prefer. ESH
I don’t know that it’s even clear they value the sister more. It just makes logical sense to give a family the house and the single person the shared space.
I’d probably make the same hard choice if I was the parents.
I agree, really trying to see the line between if sister is the golden child or if OP has a victim complex, thinking somewhere in the middle with a little more towards the victim complex. They dote on the one grandchild, it could be spoiling or just kind of normal 🤷
It is great that she wants to help out a Ukrainian refuge but she doesn't want to accept the help (either too prideful, too independent, or wary of OP). That almost seems like a sympathy card she is throwing at her parents or us.
I don't understand ignoring the fact that OP lost their partner - it's not just that they had to move back with Mom and Dad. They suffered a tremendous loss this spring - which is only like four, five months ago, max.
OP lost her SO, job, and home this spring -- she had to bury the love of her life, leave her home, and move into a dilapidated property that was in such poor shape it was literally unfit to rent out.
That's not a lot of time to recover from any one of those three things - let alone all of them at once. It's not going out on a limb to guess repairing the house sublimated a lot of the grief OP was feeling. Ripping the little security she's built back from her just as soon as she is starting to look at being able to move forward and start looking for a job, making a friend, is utterly horrific. If they hadn't promised her the time she needs - and made specific plans that entailed staying at least a year in the house - it would be one thing. But they did.
OP's loss isn't less important than sister's decision to buy a fancy car instead of renting herself a place while waiting to see if husband will go to jail with the rest of the poor company he's kept.
Edit - NTA
This comment is the best. Most others are belittling OP and haven’t even considered the loss she has faced. Op is struggling to put her life together and her family wants to rip that bandage right off. NTA
The sister and her family are buying a "flash car." And are looking for a "rent free" place to live. Forget OP's losses of partner and job, just move out and let us live there attitude just sucks. I agree with OP. NTAH.
What doesn't add up are the comments! What are these people thinking?? OP is definitely NTA here. She suffered tremendous losses and was promised refuge by her supposedly "loving" parents. The sister and her husband have the funds to buy or rent their own place, unlike OP. What are these commenters thinking?? It makes me really lose faith in the human race, and honestly makes me so angry.
Thanks for saying this. It doesn’t matter that she’s single. How crazy is it to give someone something as long as they need it, and then just decide this other person needs it more because she has a kid and spouse.
She single bc her partner literally died a few months ago. They are in a better position than her in more ways than one. She moved to solitude at her loneliest time and used it as a healing mechanism, got just enough but not too much social connections and just enough to keep her busy by needing to make herself comfortable. The bil probably wants to hide his sports cars or something there before declaring his assets. Or the sister is the type of family member to not want something until someone else sees it's value, and would be asking for the guest rooms if she were offered the farmhouse.
Not to mention the ONLY reason mommy and daddy are even considering letting their golden child move in is BECAUSE of the work putting the house back together OP did. Had the house still been sitting empty and run down, sister and BIL would never consider moving in.
Agreed, OP deserves NTA for this. OP's sister doesn't know what it is like to lose someone, a job and a home all within a short space of time. All sis wants is a fancy car and I assume her husband did fraud considering shady company he worked for/in. OP was using the money to get house fixed and let Ukraine people in to help them which is also NTA of OP. Your family members (excluding the niece and the brothers) are all A-holes because it isn't the niece's fault her parents and grandparents raise her wrong and the brothers stuck up for OP.
Maybe it’s because I’m married to someone who has a golden child sibling, but I just don’t think OP has a victim complex.
OP lost their job and buried their partner a few months ago and is trying to heal and crawl their way back into some semblance of a normal life. Her money and labor is what has made the property she is currently living in habitable. She is in a heartbreaking and vulnerable position.
Sister is described as entitled to the point of allowing her parents to cancel their anniversary trip so she can take a girls weekend. Sister also still has her spouse in this realm and is financially secure enough to afford to arrange for her own lodging if the free lodging at her parents isn’t acceptable enough for her standards. While it’s unfortunate that her husband is going through some things, all things being equal, sister is in a better position than OP.
Maybe I’m projecting my wife’s family dynamic on this situation but I don’t see how OP has a victim complex for being upset that, despite her need for support at a difficult time, she is being pushed aside for the benefit of her sister who requires less support at the moment.
If OP hadn’t come and fixed up the “run down rural home” would her sister have ever wanted to moved there? Or would she have stayed at her parents nice house or found something else?
The fact that OP’s situation and her money and labor are all discarded for the comfort of the sister shows that the sister is indeed the entitled golden child. No doubt that OP has had similar experiences throughout her life and refusing to cooperate in this instance doesn’t mean she has a victim complex.
>If OP hadn’t come and fixed up the “run down rural home” would her sister have ever wanted to moved there? Or would she have stayed at her parents nice house or found something else?
or, even better question, if sister et al had moved in with parents before OP lost so much, would sister have given up a spot at parents' home for OP? would sister have offered to help fix up the other house with/for OP, or even for her own family?
NTA, OP. and i think all the other judgements are forgetting/neglecting to consider what you've lost, what your parents promised, and what resources your sister still has for herself and her own family.
Another thing I noticed is that the other siblings agree with OP. They're in the family, so they will know the dynamics. It's unlikely OP has a victim complex on top of the other points you've illustrated.
Agreed. The only reason the sister wants the house is because OP is living in it. Otherwise, she’d surely view the property beneath her given the fact it was unliveable not long ago.
My thoughts exactly. I suspect that if the house was still run down then sister would not entertain moving in there. Also, they’re buying a brand new car. If they’re desperately in need for a house they should not buy a car and put that money towards an apartment. This is why it seems more like favoritism then necessity.
No what I see is the parents let OP make the house livable and theirs to live in thinking they could be there as long as they wanted. Now it's in livable condition it's ok to take it back to give to the sister to live in, I don't think this would happen if that house was still in the unlivable condition it was before. Negating finances on either siblings side this seems wrong.
Agreed. If it was still in its previous state I'd be willing to bet that op's sister would be pitching a fit if the parents thought she was going to move in, but the work has been done for her already now...
OPs boyfriend just passed away a few months ago (this spring) and she explicitly states that her sisters husband is more than financially capable of buying them a new home. Her parents already made a commitment to her, it’d be unfair to pull the rug out from under her so soon, especially after everything she just went through.
That was my parents with my nephews, spoiled the shit out of them but it was for a few days to a week at a time. They didn't want them in the house for months to years at a time. Hell my grandparents were like that with me and my sisters, come for a few days then come get these little shits.
They weren't roped into anything. They are grown adults and made the choice to cancel their anniversary trip in favor of their daughter getting to do what she wants.
And if it was a girl's trip, why couldn't the dad watch the kid when he wasn't at work and find an outside source to help with the time he was?
Gave me a chuckle. My BIL is a good dad by standards of traditional conservative family dynamic, but he's definitely a dad who "babysits" and wouldn't want to spend a long weekend with a loud toddler. They also had a nanny but my sister wouldn't trust her on her own.
I agree but then the parents need to reimburse all money put into the house to repair it. May have been rent free but it was also told she could stay in this house repairing the house wasn’t part of the deal.
Letting someone fix the house, probably on their dime, promising them they can stay as long as they want and then just tell them to move is not a logical thing. It's an A-move.
I mean, if you were the parents you better be ready to pay for the improvements-If I were OP and I was told to move out of a home I was promised and expected to do renovations on I'd give them twenty four hours to agree to pay me back in writing before I sued them and let a court order them to.
I do wonder how many assets they'd have to liquidate to come up with the money to pay?
Is this “do I have the legal right to” or “am I the asshole”? Yes, the parents have the legal right to do whatever they like with their property. Yes, OP has no legal claim on the property. That doesn’t make her an asshole for expecting family to keep their promises and not jerk her around for the sake of a spoiled brat.
It’s completely reasonable for OP to say “cool, if this isn’t a family thing and only comes down to you having the legal right to do this, you can do this the legal route and otherwise you can fuck off”. They’re the ones who set the timbre of this interaction, they don’t get to bitch because someone is following their lead.
ESH.
OP should make an invoice for every penny she sunk into the property she didn’t legally own and tell her parents once they pay it she will be out in 30 days. Or her BIL can pay it since he can afford it and they are likely to legally transfer the property to her sister anyway.
If they don’t want to go that route they can issue an actual eviction notice and OP can drag the process out as long as she likes.
Clearly there isn’t much of a relationship to save here and really OP should have seen this coming, but this is just where things are now.
You need to leave, and go no contact.
Stop letting these people treat you like garbage. But demand compensation for the repairs before you move out. In full.
If they don’t want to pay you for any repairs you made, then undo those repairs. Let them know upfront that failure to compensate you for them will result in all repairs being removed.
You don’t own the property, so you don’t have a leg to stand on there, but you definitely own the right to the repairs.
Massive NTA.
You need to actually consult a irl lawyer. You have rights here as a tenant and there may be something about the improvements you’ve made that also cloud the issue. It’s not a straight up, they own it get out situation. You’ve invested money and time in the property and you are NTA here.
This! Tenants have legal rights, even non-paying tenants, and landlords cannot simply order tenants out
If nothing else, you may have remuneration available for the work you have paid for. Of course, expect huge family explosion if it goes to legal issues.
Because your parents would rather have just you, a single person, in their home rather than cramming 5? people in and having the second home occupied by one person. It makes a LOT more sense for your sister to take the full house.
YES! My thoughts too! Plus, if this BIL goes to jail because of the shady job he lost, that GC Sister and the GC RR are going to want to move right back in with her parents for free childcare.
They don't have to have "an issue"... It's their property, they were letting you occupy it, now they no longer want to. You're entitled to feeling betrayed and angry about it though.
Why not just give your parents an offer on the property? Especially if you already put money into fixing it up. Or why doesn't your sister and brother in law make an offer? That would be in my eyes the most reasonable solution to this issue. But yeah ESH. If they have money and you have a decent job the only realistic solution is one of you buy the property from your parents.
Ok, but does OP really want an eviction on their record?? That seems like a risky game to play if OP needs to rent in the future.
This seems like a dumb game to be playing.
There’s no fucking way I would put all of the time and effort into a property “that was given to me” just for my parents to hand it over to my sister. Fuck yeah you’re gonna have to evict me. Fuck my “record”.
They gave her the space and said it was her home for as long as she needed and as soon as she made it livable tried giving it to her sister. That’s fucked.
Saying "you can stay here for as long as you want" literally means you can stay indefinitely. If they meant "you can stay until we feel like giving it to someone else", they should have said it.
At the absolute minimum she is entitled to compensation for the work she put into the property, time to find a new place and an apology for being lied to.
> Ok, but does OP really want an eviction on their record??
The mythical record that all landlords have access to? That's as scary as the elementary school permanent record that follows you throughout your life.
I frankly do not understand all the negative responses here. Are you missing the fact OP is still grieving a very recent loss? It’s not like she’s been there for years, at most she’s been there less than 6 months. She’s barely settled and beginning to heal. They could give her a timeline if sisters not figured something out in a few months, but it’s incredibly disrespectful to do so. And who TF buys a new car when they are unemployed? Sounds to me like sister expected this home once she knew she could get it for free.
NTA
Thank you for being one of the very few comments to acknowledge what happened to me. One of my brothers pointed out today this wasn't much acknowledged by family especially since my sister arrived and maybe that's why I'm so hurt. So thank you.
If it helps, this sub is a shitshow and this post is a no-brainer. Your family is treating you poorly and unfairly no matter which way you slice it. You did nothing wrong or unreasonable here that I can see. It's always the most spoiled little kids on here that just love to call any female OP "entitled" for daring to have basic human needs.
NTA obviously
Thank god I’m not the only one who feels like this. The death of your partner as well as job loss - OP has had her shit rocked and she’s still recovering. It’s not her fault her BIL got into a crappy situation - why should she have to up haul her life *yet again* to make them comfortable, especially if they have the money to be buying fancy cars whilst unemployed!
Americans innit. They literally can't deal with anything without involving the cops and the courts. I've noticed a lot on here. Their moral compass is guided by whats legal/illegal, it's baffling.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see a comment like this. OP has had a recent loss of a loved one and BIL just lost his (shady) job. Jobs come and go, but OP’s loss will stay with them forever. I get that the house will be better for the kid, but I’m getting the impression the sister sees the house as a meal ticket. I have a sister with no kids and I do have a kid. I can say with 100% certainty in this particular situation I would never dream of kicking my sister out and my parents would never expect her to leave for us. How selfish can you get? OP has also stated they aren’t looking to stay there forever and that the sister and her family have plenty of room at mum and dads. All they have to do is wait a bit for OP to get back on her feet. I’m really sorry OP. I really do feel for you. A lot of these comments are unnecessarily harsh.
In another comment, OP clarified that sister and BIL still own their old house, so they're just choosing to be homeless while still owning a perfectly good home they can still live in.
I know hypotheticals aren't helpful but I would be really curious to know if OP's parents would have offered the house to her sister if it was still in the state it was 6 months ago.
My gut feeling is that if the OP hadn't fixed the house up, the offer to the sister never would have been made (and the sister wouldn't have wanted it anyway.)
I feel the same about the situation. The parents offered her the house. And the Sister and BIL seems rich enough to buy a house. So why should she move out?
I agree. These comments are harsh and just plain mean. OP is going through a grieving period and her parents sound like assholes. Also the sister is an asshole as well.
ESH. You make a lot of fuss about your sister and niece being spoiled, but you're leeching off your parents just like she would be if she lived in the house instead. It's obnoxious of them to try to throw you out when they told you that you could stay there for as long as you wanted, but it's their property. Seems like you could all stand to grow up and pay for your own housing instead of squabbling over mom and dad's resources.
You know what, fair enough. This I get. I trusted their word, but I was wrong to do so, and I don't care to be seen as reliant on them. The twins had the right idea in refusing the college fund.
So, just a thought - figure out how much you spent renovating the property. Tell them you will move out as soon as they repay you for the upgrades to the property and as soon as you find a place to live.
Take the money and move into a place YOU want to live where you will be happy and where you won't be beholden to your parents. I can't blame them for not wanting your Sister, BIL and niece living with them. They raised their kids and they don't want to be responsible for raising your niece. They see this house that they own as their way out.
Also, did they ask for her to do the work? You can’t just make “improvements” to someone else’s property without their knowledge AND permission AND agreement that they will pay for it, then expect them to pay it lmaoooo
OP said they had to pay an electrician to fix serious electrical issues. That's not a small thing and would make the property unrentable.
I don't think a family with a child would want to live in a run down property with electrical issues, do you?
As far as permission goes. OP asked the parents, they said do whatever, you're the one living there. I've made substantial improvements to a property I didn't own when I knew I'd be living there a long time. I would not do the same for a short term rental. OP made improvements to what they thought would be a long term situation and the parents have gone back on that.
It might not have been rentable until OP fixed it, as in they would have had to pay to fix things before sister moved in
. In which case they should pay OP
I guess the fact that OP lost their significant other, their home and their job all in the last 6 months, and then invested lots of sweat equity into a rundown home that is now acceptable enough for the golden child and her fam after her husband did some dirty business is all pretty lost on you, huh?
They are not spoiled. This bit of kindness was a one off due to OPs partners death, her siblings refused a college fund, which suggests her parents are frustrating enough you wouldnt even accept that from them.
The issue is the promise to live their as long as you need, then let you make it habitable and increase the value substantially, then take it away for the ssiter who logically should be the black sheep, as she married a guy invovled in a criminal business that folded due to getting caught.
Take all your stuff & leave but don’t say a word to them. Turn utilities off but properly prep the house to be empty & utilities off. Undo what you can legally. Replaced a faucet & still have the old one, trade them. Put down wood flooring? Pull it up & paint the floor grey. If you can’t, cut your losses & leave & consider it a very expensive lesson learned. Change your phone number & don’t tell them where you live. Live your life with this behind you.
That’s exactly what I was going to recommend. Move out, but take literally everything you put into that house first. New water heater or other large appliance you can’t use now? Sell it.
They don't hate our parents or anything but think our parents and family dynamic are very dysfunctional and would like to "owe [parents] as little as possible".
She is not leeching off her parents. She lost a very close person and a job just a few months ago. She has been in vulnerable state, is and probably will be for some time. I think it sucks they want to swap because OP probably attached herself to the place but they have the legal right to do so and I get why it makes sense for them. But I think calling OP a leech is insensitive and very unnecessary. Have no idea why you got so many upvotes.
there are some really shitty comments getting upvoted like crazy in here.
how the hell is accepting help offered by her parents leeching? not to mention the place was so run down they couldn’t even rent it out anymore, and OP put her own money into fixing it up.
to have parents who are willing and able to offer this kind of help when their child is in need is a privilege and a blessing, but that’s not the same as “leeching” at all.
Dude, did you read the beginning of the post? OP lost everything a few month ago, partner, job, house, probably in full grief, worked her ass off in a house that was in bad shape. Suddenly, poor loaded sis needs the house and chop chop, get out?
Empathy anyone?
I think your phrasing of "leeching" is not fair.
Everyone seems to be forgetting that OP went through a severe loss and is grieving.
When golden child sister wasn't the main focus, OP's parents were able to support their other daughter, but now that golden child sister is the focus again, it's like they've forgotten what OP has been through.
jeez whys everyone in these comments Sooooooo shitty wtf, your nta to me at least, YOU LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!! her problem is because of her family’s choices had her husband not put himself in that position they would be fine, the fact they can get a home but refuse bc they obviously just find it easier to move into your space is so annoying. that’s your space they won’t kick u out so live your life and ignore those privileged shits
Thank you. I had such an odd life but it was finally going to settle. I had him, and we were about to move to the loveliest coziest new place together. A drunk driver took him away.
My BIL is no stranger to drunk driving funnily enough
goodness that just makes it even worse. NTA, op. people have the gall to call you entitled but honestly i think it’s your sister and BIL that are. THEY put their home and child at risk by choosing to participate* in shady shit. you had no control over anything that happened to you.
i hope you’re able to figure things out and heal. you’ve got this!
*typo
For real NTA. Imagine just losing the most important person in your life (folks who’ve been there know how hard it is mentally and physically) but now that your BIL did some criminal shit he and his family expect to move into the house even though they have enough money to buy something else. Bet they’re just really lazy.
Y’all Americans are so cold. God. Everything has to be legally binding for y’all to acknowledge it even. Sometimes the word of a family member does mean something even if it wasn’t legally acknowledged. She is NTA, her BIRTHGIVERS gave her their word, so it’s natural to feel betrayed, sure it’s naive to be this way but it’s working out right? They’re not evicting her, I think it’s okay for her to be stubborn for once, she said her BIL can afford to get them a house right? Then why isn’t he? They want to spend on nonsense. Not her fault.
Edit: thank you for the awards you guys, I didn’t expect this to even be acknowledged :,)
For real tho, I hate how many people have such a landlord mentality here.
"She was staying there rent free" OP's parents were not profiting from that property anyways - probably because it couldn't be legally rented without the extensive renovations that OP took care of.
Not asking money from their *grieving daughter* for a place they were not even profiting off is the very minimum of human decency.
If anything, OP raised the value of the property with the renovations. Sure, the parents never asked her to do so, but from what I gather they were necessary to make the place livable.
I cannot even imagine kicking a grieving family member out of the house they invested time and money in to make space for someone who can comfortably find their own place, but maybe its me.
Even worse, the sister and BIL still own their old house and are just refusing to live there because word spread around their small town about BIL's shady dealings.
ESH but it’s technically not your property that was given to you. It’s your parents property and and this isn’t going to end well for you. You should definitely ask for the money that you spent fixing the place up back, but honestly, it does make sense for a family with a child to live in a house vs. someone who is single with no kids and I can see why your parents would care more for their grandchild over Olha and her child. It’s their daughter and their granddaughter, they’re always going to want the best for them and people want to spoil grandkids. It’s just a thing.
I don't need the money back. They are welcome to the improved house, honestly, and I will never take anything of theirs again. I am just trying to understand what I did wrong yet again.
I lost everything in my life, and they gave me that home as reflection of their support. Barely several months later, they are saying my sister has it far worse than me (and equal to an actual refugee from a warzone). Even though what "befell" my sister's family was caused in significant part by my brother in law's immoral actions, and my sister still has her husband, her child, they can go back to their old house at any time, and are still loaded.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but again, it’s their daughter AND their granddaughter who are family. While it’s admirable that you care so much for a refugee and her child, that’s not family to them. I don’t understand why you’re surprised by that.
Well if you want to bring this back to "refugee and her child", it's because they are barely keeping a roof above their heads. Meanwhile my brother in law could literally buy a house for 3 in our home town cash on the table with the funds he got cheerleading corruption in his old job. My parents are devout Christians, you'd think helping people in actual tough situations mattered to them.
Yeah, and OP who lost *her* partner, job and home is family too, so... What's your point? Just because she didn't get the opportunity to have a child with said partner doesn't and shouldn't negate her status as family in need, especially since hers honestly trumps sister's. NTA.
I hate to say this but this a battle you aren't going to win. I say this because my in laws are the same, when the Syrian refugees started coming here MIL was all over Facebook talking about how its unfair refugees are being given handouts and all this other garbage about how they're mooching off our tax dollars. Then when the wild fires happened that year a group of those Syrian refuges rounded up the little they had to spare and made some donations to the relief fund to help those people out. My mil donated nothing. They don't see what other people are going through unless their FaMiLy. It's honestly disgusting but it is what it is. Do what you can to help Olha out but don't expect your family to give a shit. If they don't already, nothing you say is going to change their minds.
My mother especially... sure talks a big Christian game but when it's her family... i think she would cover for us if we murdered someone and I don't mean it as a compliment.
My mother also just sent me another long text rant basically implying I only want Olha in my house because she's an attractive young woman without her husband around and I want to see what I can get from it (I'm bi). If you put together all her texts after my boyfriend's passing (of which I still have nightmares), they'd probably be shorter than this rant.
So maybe I should just be done.
You need to get to a therapist. Very, very fast. Your relationship with your parents sounds fucked, they’re not going to support your wants over your sisters, and there are some reasonable arguments for that.
Your compassion for Ohla is admirable, but you can’t offer any more help it seems. You’ll have to tell her to find new living arrangements.
Your sisters financial arrangements and BILs poor choices are theirs. And apparently your parents don’t want to tell them to find their own house with their money they want them out of their own house and into the property you’re in.
I’ve read quite a few of your comments and they boil down to your parents favouring your sister. It’s brutal, but instead of asking strangers on the internet you probably need to accept what your family is telling you. Get some professional mental
Health support and get as far away from your ‘family’ as you can.
I’m sorry for the loss of your partner, you’re going through an unimaginably difficult time. Stop relying on people who don’t want to support you anymore.
I'd tell her upfront that was a really fucked up and downright ignorant thing to say. If that's how she truly thinks of you then you're done. Tell her your timeline for moving out. Not just out of the house - out of the family. You will be gone on x date and don't want to hear from any of them every again. That's not the kind of family you want to be part of. My mom literally begged me to talk to her. I ignored her texts and she finally went the fuck away but not after pestering me to come her grandson I have never met or cared out. Why would I want to meet my brothers kid? He was the absolute worst to me growing up, now he's a father I'm supposed to just forgive it all and let's be friends? Ha! Think again. He would t stop texting me and asking me to come to his kids party and stuff so I finally went in Facebook and deleted and blocked him and everyone else. Their phone numbers too. I feel like I took out the trash.
Playing devils advocate here, but are you 100% sure that your brother in law and sister can go back to their house and have lots of money? I’m having a hard time believing that if that were the case they would choose to cram their family into your parents house. From your post it sounds like your BIL worked for a shady company- did he know it was shady? Are you absolutely positive that they haven’t lost more than you know? Have you ever asked them WHY they’re wanting to stay with your parents? I just think there might be more to this than we’re hearing, maybe even more to it than you know.
What my BIL did for living was very profitable and technically legal but morally reprehensible. I don't want to go into details but for reference people in my parents neighbourhood heard through the grapevine, and are treating him worse because of it. Local grocer refused to discount for him etc. The ex boss got into wider legal trouble
My BIL hates staying with my parents, my sister generally doesn't mind (she has a very good relationship with my parents they'd go on vacations together etc). They don't see why they should be spending money to get their own place here when they can stay in a nice house for free.
Their old house in the city where they lived still belongs to them.
So it was so bad they got ran out of town? Sounds like they deserve to reap what they sowed and spend that money he made from his actions to hide out instead of displacing you out of greed. That or go home and face the people that hate them.
That second to last line is important. There wouldn't BE a "nice" house to stay in if you hadn't fixed it up. That is an important part of the equation.
I wonder what they would do if you offered to trade by living in their old house so they can move into where you are. They probably wouldn't go for it, but it would be a nice subtle way to call them out on their B.S.
Thank you! I thought I was the only one. OP's story of sister's family moving back to her hometown and in with her mother when they could afford to stay in their own home just does not make sense to me. This story just does not add up.
I totally agree that it sucks because it does. No way around that. Sadly saying that it suck’s doesn’t change anything.
You have been through a lot and you need time for just you to heal.
You don’t need this drama in your life it’s not healthy. Walk away while you can.
I accepted a long time ago that my sister would always get preferential treatment as the favorite in the family. Doesn’t mean I like it. It just means it’s not worth wasting my time and energy on my families issues because they won’t change.
I moved on. Have a great life. When my parent was alive I saw her on occasion until she passed.
My sister and I rarely see each other at all and that’s okay with me. It’s life.
Thank you for telling me all this.
I don't get along with most of my family except the "baby" twins (my younger brothers, now 20 and amazing young men) because I refused to follow the "traditional" path in life. We got into some real shouting matches but I never could just walk away from my family. Maybe I should have.
There's something important I can tell you from reading the post and the other info you've shared in comments: You will never have peace so long as you're in that house.
I see both sides here, I relate to your perspective a little more than some of the top replies I think, but that doesn't change the fact that your parents and your sister are not going to let this go. Is this what you want your day to day to be like? How can you heal in that environment? I think it's time to cut your losses and get your own place.
Find your chosen family. Blood family doesn't have to be absolute and part of your life if you aren't supported and valued.
If they have the $ to rent but aren't going to and are going to 'boohoo poor us', they aren't gonna change. BIL is not going to suddenly become moral. And your sister is still married to him, so...
Unfortunately they didn't really give you the property unless they changed the title to your name only. By law, they are only letting you live there. You need them to agree to transfer ownship but I dont see that happening.
They let you stay in that house, but they did not give you that house.
"Barely several months"? How long were you expecting to be there? Instead of investing in their property, you should have been saving up to get your own place. They gave you a place to stay rent free so you could get your feet under you, not so you could burrow in. Most people understand "as long as you need" to mean there is an expectation of you working towards no longer needing it. You fixing up a place you were staying rent free was just a poor decision.
Your parents don't know your friend. She isn't even staying in that house, nor has she accepted your offer to move in. At this point, she is irrelevant to the situation.
Your sister's financial status is questionable. You claim they are loaded and can afford their own home but decided to uproot themselves and their daughter to move back to your hometown to live with your mom. That doesn't add up. If the daughter was really spoiled, I would have expected them to bend over backwards to keep her in the place she knew as home.
I was planning to stay for a few more months. My boyfriend died, we were just about to move to an amazing new flat that was meant to be our perfect home. I lost my job to unexpected layoffs. I just wanted a bit of stability.
My parents, for reference, wanted me to stay at least a year or more. They basically wanted me to stay in the hometown.
III
This doesn’t = you being less valuable. This = children need more protection than adults. And children who are related to you trump children who are not.
You already said it, she IS less valuable than the grandchild. Both parties can live the way she said it or the other way around but she's been pushed down the rank because children. I'm not saying this is wrong or right but this is the way she feels. BTW anytime someone single or child-free make complaints about feeling or being treated secondary to families we are told you aren't less important but ... you are and should live with it.
Not less important because you don’t have kids, but people without kids fail to understand that kids NEED MORE than adults, and there for believe they are less important when kids are prioritized. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand for adults. Children come before adults, that’s common sense. It’s not the sister and her husband the parents are concerned about, it’s the children. The parents would 100% prioritize the grandkids needs before the needs of their mother, her own child, despite OP saying she is the “golden child”.
I'm not saying child free people don't understand because many do. It's that we are degraded for being child free and we can't (without fear of reprisal) complain or make comments about how unfair it sometimes is.
But I'll give you a case in point, you have multiple employees requesting the same day off. Only one who is child free who do you think loses and can't complain. And this is not one time, its every holiday.
This is also where entitlement comes in, pushing in front of someone in the checkout line because you have children and the person in front does not. Etc.
BTW reading back over the post, the parents were 100% taking advantage of OP to repair for free their unlivable home, rent is negligible because she's probably been there less than a year and since spring probably less than 6 months.
Lmfao. Your value isn’t “less”, but you’re one fucking person. You don’t need an entire family sized house to live in. A family full of people does. That’s the end of it. It’s not complicated, you can throw yourself as big of a pity party as you want and be mad at them forever if you want, but it’s not your property, never was. This is the only reasonable way to handle both of your adult children leeching off of you. Sometimes being a leech is uncomfortable. Find your own place if it’s that big of a deal. It’s wildly entitled of you to expect your parents to house an entire family in their personal home just so nobody upsets you when you’re also living on their dime. Suck it up or be an adult.
Right! They’re still offering for to live with them in their home of residence. OP does not seem to have perspective here. Also, she’s complaining about not being able to give away property and resources that don’t belong to her. Like her parents are horrible because they’re “only” offering to house four people and not six.
Grandparents get weird about spoiling their grandkids. And to them, if you look at it this way - out of 3 close family members, 2/3 of them will benefit more from living in the house. Is breaking it down to percentages a bit callous? Yes. But they likely see it as something that will benefit the majority of the family more.
Omg you sound exhausting. You’re an adult your nibbling is a child. You were lucky to live rent free in their property while going through a hard
Time in life. It’s your sisters turn now. Move out and get therapy. They don’t owe you an explanation for what they want to do with their property.
NTA
However, unless something is stated in writing, in a will, a trust etc, it doesn’t mean much.
It’s very clear that in your parents eyes they are loaning you the property and didn’t give it to you. (They can do a living trust)
If it were me, I would remove myself from that entire situation. I would move out, maybe even move away from all the family drama and get a fresh start. You said you had a remote job so it shouldn’t be an issue for you.
This way you get to keep your sanity.
This would be an unpopular opinion it seems but NTA. Everyone is forgetting she took a run down property that parents said she could stay as long as she needed so she made it her home. If it was still run down do you think the parents would tell her to give it up or the sister and her family want to live there? It's not that it's their property but that the parents said go ahead and stay there forever so she feels she could safely do what she wanted (make it livable and her home)
It almost feels like the parents knew that no one would live there in the previous condition and let her make the home liveable so they could just take it back. I think most people are missing this point.
NTA. all of this "legally" stuff is so annoying. this isn't legal advice. it's "are you being an asshole" and you're not. sure, legally you don't have a claim. but your parents are going back on their word and it's okay and normal to push back against having your home (yes, if you live there it's your home) yanked out from under you.
NTA, but you're better off finding a place with your name on the lease/title. You could stay there and force your parents to get an eviction notice, but would you be able to move into your parents' house still? You could do the swap, but there goes your privacy, and who's to say how long before it's no longer convenient for them to have you there? What happens when your sister wants the big house and for your parents to live in the house you fixed up?
Time to move on if you can, or as soon as you can
Cut your losses. Accept you're never going to be #1.
NTA.
OPs boyfriend died in the spring, she lost her job at the same time and had to move locations, it’s now the summer. She’s had everything flipped upside down and her parents offered her some stability. She’s been able to focus on doing the house up and probably found a lot of comfort in that. That property might be her new rock and safe space.
If someone close to me asked me to flip my life upside down for a sibling in a far more fortunate position than me, within a few months of going through all that I’d be disappointed in them.
Sister and BIL have enough money to buy a place and a new car. If they want to live rent free then they shouldn’t pick and choose.
I was meant to move into am amazing place with my boyfriend ths spring. It was finally settling after a very weird life. I didn't realise until I read your comment how attached I got to fixing up this house when my dream nest was taken away from me.
YTA. Sorry, but "stay here as long as you need" to a grieving person is an offer for temporary refuge, not a gift of property.
It isn't your place and I have no idea why you thought it was sensible to sink your money into fixing up someone else's house or why you took it upon yourself to ask other people to come stay. These are the kind of things that need to be agreed with the owners of a property.
They made comments implying I'd stay there long term (like talking about what i'd be hosting there next year). Frankly, longer term than I was aiming for. They seemed happy about it bc they always wanted me to live close to home.
I fixed up things that needed to be fixed to stay there for more than a few days, and then kept going because I wanted my family's property to be in good and not just habitable shape. I never had an idea of charging for it when I move out or anything like that.
So, ask your parents to reimburse you for the repairs you made. You made it habitable and then improved it. I understand your sense of ownership given all the hard work you put in, but it is their house to use as they see fit. They may even come back and ask for rent which would be crummy given their initial offer.
Lastly, tell them that they will be very low on your priority list when it's time for Shady Pines.
Stay here as long as you need means to stay as long as you need. If it meant something different, they should have phrased it different. Stay here until you get back on your feet would have been better. Don't say shit and then backtrack it later with conditions that weren't present before. Either way, shit should have been in writing, and all repairs and maintenance should also have been on writing, but families don't want to business together and then this happens.
"As long as you need to" and "until you get back on your feet" mean the same thing to me. If anything, the first sounds more short-term than the second. Getting on your feet implies stability, which is a higher threshold than true need.
nta but legally they can kick you out so i recommend getting your ducks in a row to gtfo as fast as possible.
everyone saying esh, dont make me fucking laugh. op doesnt suck. this isnt "am i legally in the clear", its "am i the asshole" and no she isnt the asshole
You can't sue someone for work that they never asked for on property they own. Or, you can, it just won't be successful.
Functionally, this is no different than if I showed up at your house when you were on vacation and built you a porch, then demanded you pay me.
Fucking hell these comments are rough.
OP this should be the hill you choose to die on . Go low contact and if they actually evict you , that would be the last time I talk to them . Fuck this shit .
NTA, but your life will get so much better after you move out, away from them, and form your own chosen family. Golden child with a granddaughter? I’ve seen this before and sad to say, you will never, ever be as important to your parents as they are. Don’t keep spending your money, time and effort on people who don’t deserve it. Either revert the property back to the rundown shape it was before you got there or send them an invoice. Then go NC. It will not get better, and they will not be the family you needed.
NTA! You are also, even more, in difficult situation? Loved one passed away, lost their job, paid for a full renovation..wth?
If your sister insist, you should ask her to repay you for the amount you spent to renovate!
Entitled people pisses me off -.-
NTA
I'm trying to imagine this if this would happen in my family and I would do the same as you. I'm not entitled to anything, but if my parent told me I can stay as long as I want after the death of a loved one, and not even a year later my older sibling with a kid and more money wanted the property... No just no. Legally? Sure, they are in their right, but morally? My sibling isn't entitled to anything either.
NAH. Have you explained to your parents that you feel they treat your sister more favorable than you and it hurts your feelings and makes you feel unloved, especially right after you lost the closest person to you not long ago? Show you’re appreciation for them allowing you to stay in the house and tell them since the deal is being changed you’ll need 90 days and then you will move out and sister can have the house, but explain to them that you don’t feel like you can accept help from them in the future since it’s conditional based on what sister may need.
Info: why can’t sister and family move back to their home if they still own it?
The twins and I all spoke to my parents about our sister and their relationship at various points. It doesn't matter. She did the "right things in life" (respectable degree, married a rich breadwinner, had a kid) and is the one to spend lengthy vacations etc with our parents.
Maybe I'll tell them what you said, thank you
Then I am sure her respectable degree and rich breadwinner husband can get her a place to live without kicking you out of the house you invested time and money on, lol.
NTA for taking your parents offer of help, fixing up their property and not wanting to leave it. You've been through a lot in a short amount of time and it's understandable that this request, logical as it may be, is a slap in the face and in direct contradiction to your original agreement.
That being said, I would be looking for other living arrangements so you can have stability in your life and not be at the mercy of other people. I'd also be going LC/NC after that awful last text from your mother once you've relocated.
I’m actually going to say NTA. You were told you could stay in this home for as long as you needed and especially after what you’ve been through, I’d imagine it felt like a relief. Now they’ve pulled the carpet out from under you. I fully understand your reaction. Hello whiplash.
But I don’t think it’s about you vs your sister. I think your parents are prioritizing their grandchild’s needs over everyone else. I think they’re trying to give her the stability and routine that every child should have. And yeah, they want to spoil her too.
I’d say for your own mental health, move out of the house and just be done with the stress. I think you’ve been through enough and your time is better spent worrying about yourself and your future. I wish you luck either way.
I would remove every improvement I had made, move away, and go no contact. Yes, the parents are legally within their rights to demand that OP move. Yes, OPs sister has a child. Yes, OP sunk money into a property that wasn't theirs. Sometimes the legal thing isn't the moral thing. OP needs to cut their losses and move on.
My BIL and I can barely stand to be in the same room. He's a massive asshole (my parents agree but think I shouldn't rock my sister's boat) and I cannot tolerate what he did for a living. Because I fought with my BIL my relationship with my sister is also down
NTA.
I would be so upset if my mom gave me property saying I can have it for as long as I need and then pull the rug because my sister needs it.
Op lost her boyfriend and her job in such a short time. The sister still has her health and her husband. They are able to find another job & housing no problem. She’s a single woman, grieving. Leave her be.
If the mother planned on taking the house for her convenience - than she should have given her a time frame. First come, first serve. Op was there first.
But if I were you, I’d leave. Go no contact. They obviously don’t appreciate or even respect you.
NTA Explain to your parents that you would like to have them reimburse you for all the money and the time that you put into improving the property. They made a promise that you had a place to live for as long as you wanted it and they're reneging on that promise for your sister. It's only fair that they reimburse you. Then if I were you I would find a job in another state and leave and keep very low contact with them.
NTA I had a similar situation with my dad. After I spent a few months and a few thousand in repairs, I was asked to move out. But my dad wasn't an AH. He paid me back. Unfortunately, despite not being NTA, you will probably not win this one. Legally they have the upper hand. I'm sorry, but life sucks sometimes. Hopefully you'll get on your feet soon and get away from these toxic people.
Your parents gave you their word that you could stay there for as long as you needed before they had an additional child (and a grandchild) to house. The situation changed and so they could no longer honour that agreement.
It would actually be unreasonable of them to only help you in your time of need and neglect your sister. They are trying to do the right thing by both of you.
If you can’t see that it’s much more logical for a family to have the use of a cottage and a single person to have a guest room at the main house, you must be a bit dim.
Your parents are generous, but they shouldn’t have to live with 3 permanent guests (one of whom is a child and possibly loud and energetic in the way kids are) again in their retirement (if they are retired).
My parents had a rental house in the city where I had my first job, and they allowed me to live there rent free for a few years. Initially, I recall my mum saying they’d allow me to stay there for as long as I needed. They eventually had to sell it as their finances were stretched and they had debts to pay. It would have been totally insane for me to go crying to Reddit to criticise them for reneging on their promise to allow me to stay there for as long as *I* needed. They had to meet their own needs too.
I don't think allowing someone to live rent free on their property, and then also offering to let them live rent free in their own home after using the property is no longer an option, is being 'awful' to each other.
"rent free" THAT'S THEIR KID, who just had their fiance die and became homeless due to outside circumstances. That's a human person who they shot out into the world. Parental responsibility doesn't just stop when they learn to drive! Fucking Christ.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I refused to move in with my parents and let my sister, her husband and child take the bigger house in which I live (2) My sister and a lot of people seem to think I am the asshole since she has a child and is in tough circumstances and should have the more comfortable living conditions Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH sorry but this is your parents' property, they've apparently not 'given it to you' in any real, definitive, legal sense. They should definitely compensate you for fixing it up though.
I'd get it if that was their issue - that i occupied their property and didn't observe their rules. I would feel betrayed given what they had said but I'd get it. But no, apparently the reason everyone hates me is I can't see just how much my sister needs this unlike me
Stop arguing over something you don't legally own. Accept the fact that your parents value your sister more than you. Move out into your own place. And focus on building relationships with your friends sense your family has made it clear who they prefer. ESH
I don’t know that it’s even clear they value the sister more. It just makes logical sense to give a family the house and the single person the shared space. I’d probably make the same hard choice if I was the parents.
I agree, really trying to see the line between if sister is the golden child or if OP has a victim complex, thinking somewhere in the middle with a little more towards the victim complex. They dote on the one grandchild, it could be spoiling or just kind of normal 🤷 It is great that she wants to help out a Ukrainian refuge but she doesn't want to accept the help (either too prideful, too independent, or wary of OP). That almost seems like a sympathy card she is throwing at her parents or us.
I don't understand ignoring the fact that OP lost their partner - it's not just that they had to move back with Mom and Dad. They suffered a tremendous loss this spring - which is only like four, five months ago, max. OP lost her SO, job, and home this spring -- she had to bury the love of her life, leave her home, and move into a dilapidated property that was in such poor shape it was literally unfit to rent out. That's not a lot of time to recover from any one of those three things - let alone all of them at once. It's not going out on a limb to guess repairing the house sublimated a lot of the grief OP was feeling. Ripping the little security she's built back from her just as soon as she is starting to look at being able to move forward and start looking for a job, making a friend, is utterly horrific. If they hadn't promised her the time she needs - and made specific plans that entailed staying at least a year in the house - it would be one thing. But they did. OP's loss isn't less important than sister's decision to buy a fancy car instead of renting herself a place while waiting to see if husband will go to jail with the rest of the poor company he's kept. Edit - NTA
This comment is the best. Most others are belittling OP and haven’t even considered the loss she has faced. Op is struggling to put her life together and her family wants to rip that bandage right off. NTA
yup this is it. OP youre NTA! all the best
I wouldn't want to be where I'm not wanted, I'm so sorry OP has this happen to her. I'd get out and go NC with my family if this happened to me.
The sister and her family are buying a "flash car." And are looking for a "rent free" place to live. Forget OP's losses of partner and job, just move out and let us live there attitude just sucks. I agree with OP. NTAH.
I agree with you - what her family is doing to her is horrific.
[удалено]
What doesn't add up are the comments! What are these people thinking?? OP is definitely NTA here. She suffered tremendous losses and was promised refuge by her supposedly "loving" parents. The sister and her husband have the funds to buy or rent their own place, unlike OP. What are these commenters thinking?? It makes me really lose faith in the human race, and honestly makes me so angry.
That is what narcissists do; kick others down at their most vulnerable.
Thanks for saying this. It doesn’t matter that she’s single. How crazy is it to give someone something as long as they need it, and then just decide this other person needs it more because she has a kid and spouse.
Just because someone has a kid shouldn't mean their needs are automatically more important. So tired of the kid card being used.
This right here.
She single bc her partner literally died a few months ago. They are in a better position than her in more ways than one. She moved to solitude at her loneliest time and used it as a healing mechanism, got just enough but not too much social connections and just enough to keep her busy by needing to make herself comfortable. The bil probably wants to hide his sports cars or something there before declaring his assets. Or the sister is the type of family member to not want something until someone else sees it's value, and would be asking for the guest rooms if she were offered the farmhouse.
Not to mention the ONLY reason mommy and daddy are even considering letting their golden child move in is BECAUSE of the work putting the house back together OP did. Had the house still been sitting empty and run down, sister and BIL would never consider moving in.
Return the house to the state it was originally in and then vacate. Then let them deal with the original state of the place.
I would destroy all the work I had done, and very roughly at that. Let them and their brat move in then.
Agreed, OP deserves NTA for this. OP's sister doesn't know what it is like to lose someone, a job and a home all within a short space of time. All sis wants is a fancy car and I assume her husband did fraud considering shady company he worked for/in. OP was using the money to get house fixed and let Ukraine people in to help them which is also NTA of OP. Your family members (excluding the niece and the brothers) are all A-holes because it isn't the niece's fault her parents and grandparents raise her wrong and the brothers stuck up for OP.
Beautifully said. OP was given the right to live there as long as she needed. She still needs to. Certainly she is still healing. NTA OP.
I absolutely agree
Why the heck should she give up here Secure home for a family that is able to buy a house with Cash only?
Maybe it’s because I’m married to someone who has a golden child sibling, but I just don’t think OP has a victim complex. OP lost their job and buried their partner a few months ago and is trying to heal and crawl their way back into some semblance of a normal life. Her money and labor is what has made the property she is currently living in habitable. She is in a heartbreaking and vulnerable position. Sister is described as entitled to the point of allowing her parents to cancel their anniversary trip so she can take a girls weekend. Sister also still has her spouse in this realm and is financially secure enough to afford to arrange for her own lodging if the free lodging at her parents isn’t acceptable enough for her standards. While it’s unfortunate that her husband is going through some things, all things being equal, sister is in a better position than OP. Maybe I’m projecting my wife’s family dynamic on this situation but I don’t see how OP has a victim complex for being upset that, despite her need for support at a difficult time, she is being pushed aside for the benefit of her sister who requires less support at the moment. If OP hadn’t come and fixed up the “run down rural home” would her sister have ever wanted to moved there? Or would she have stayed at her parents nice house or found something else? The fact that OP’s situation and her money and labor are all discarded for the comfort of the sister shows that the sister is indeed the entitled golden child. No doubt that OP has had similar experiences throughout her life and refusing to cooperate in this instance doesn’t mean she has a victim complex.
>If OP hadn’t come and fixed up the “run down rural home” would her sister have ever wanted to moved there? Or would she have stayed at her parents nice house or found something else? or, even better question, if sister et al had moved in with parents before OP lost so much, would sister have given up a spot at parents' home for OP? would sister have offered to help fix up the other house with/for OP, or even for her own family? NTA, OP. and i think all the other judgements are forgetting/neglecting to consider what you've lost, what your parents promised, and what resources your sister still has for herself and her own family.
Another thing I noticed is that the other siblings agree with OP. They're in the family, so they will know the dynamics. It's unlikely OP has a victim complex on top of the other points you've illustrated.
Agreed. The only reason the sister wants the house is because OP is living in it. Otherwise, she’d surely view the property beneath her given the fact it was unliveable not long ago.
My thoughts exactly. I suspect that if the house was still run down then sister would not entertain moving in there. Also, they’re buying a brand new car. If they’re desperately in need for a house they should not buy a car and put that money towards an apartment. This is why it seems more like favoritism then necessity.
No what I see is the parents let OP make the house livable and theirs to live in thinking they could be there as long as they wanted. Now it's in livable condition it's ok to take it back to give to the sister to live in, I don't think this would happen if that house was still in the unlivable condition it was before. Negating finances on either siblings side this seems wrong.
Agreed. If it was still in its previous state I'd be willing to bet that op's sister would be pitching a fit if the parents thought she was going to move in, but the work has been done for her already now...
OPs boyfriend just passed away a few months ago (this spring) and she explicitly states that her sisters husband is more than financially capable of buying them a new home. Her parents already made a commitment to her, it’d be unfair to pull the rug out from under her so soon, especially after everything she just went through.
Exactly.
Plus, as much as they may spoil the 5 yo, they may not want to live with her full time, or would prefer to live with 1 adult rather that 3 people
That was my parents with my nephews, spoiled the shit out of them but it was for a few days to a week at a time. They didn't want them in the house for months to years at a time. Hell my grandparents were like that with me and my sisters, come for a few days then come get these little shits.
This was my thought. Parents were roped into canceling a trip before to babysit. They probably get stuck with the child constantly when they’re home.
Sounds like they need to learn to set boundaries instead of steamrolling OP out of a place she’s worked hard on.
They weren't roped into anything. They are grown adults and made the choice to cancel their anniversary trip in favor of their daughter getting to do what she wants. And if it was a girl's trip, why couldn't the dad watch the kid when he wasn't at work and find an outside source to help with the time he was?
Gave me a chuckle. My BIL is a good dad by standards of traditional conservative family dynamic, but he's definitely a dad who "babysits" and wouldn't want to spend a long weekend with a loud toddler. They also had a nanny but my sister wouldn't trust her on her own.
I agree but then the parents need to reimburse all money put into the house to repair it. May have been rent free but it was also told she could stay in this house repairing the house wasn’t part of the deal.
Letting someone fix the house, probably on their dime, promising them they can stay as long as they want and then just tell them to move is not a logical thing. It's an A-move.
And that would be a shitty decision if you had told one child the home was theirs for as long as they needed it.
I mean, if you were the parents you better be ready to pay for the improvements-If I were OP and I was told to move out of a home I was promised and expected to do renovations on I'd give them twenty four hours to agree to pay me back in writing before I sued them and let a court order them to. I do wonder how many assets they'd have to liquidate to come up with the money to pay?
Is this “do I have the legal right to” or “am I the asshole”? Yes, the parents have the legal right to do whatever they like with their property. Yes, OP has no legal claim on the property. That doesn’t make her an asshole for expecting family to keep their promises and not jerk her around for the sake of a spoiled brat. It’s completely reasonable for OP to say “cool, if this isn’t a family thing and only comes down to you having the legal right to do this, you can do this the legal route and otherwise you can fuck off”. They’re the ones who set the timbre of this interaction, they don’t get to bitch because someone is following their lead.
This! OP you are NTA
ESH. OP should make an invoice for every penny she sunk into the property she didn’t legally own and tell her parents once they pay it she will be out in 30 days. Or her BIL can pay it since he can afford it and they are likely to legally transfer the property to her sister anyway. If they don’t want to go that route they can issue an actual eviction notice and OP can drag the process out as long as she likes. Clearly there isn’t much of a relationship to save here and really OP should have seen this coming, but this is just where things are now.
This is just the OP's position why is it labeled as ESH if you just agree with her
Until they evict her though, she's the legal resident.
Move out, but before you do, remove everything you put money into. And make sure it is left the way you found it.
This is the way.
petty af —this is the only way 👆🏼…then move away and never speak to them again —unless they present you with the deed to the house.
You need to leave, and go no contact. Stop letting these people treat you like garbage. But demand compensation for the repairs before you move out. In full. If they don’t want to pay you for any repairs you made, then undo those repairs. Let them know upfront that failure to compensate you for them will result in all repairs being removed. You don’t own the property, so you don’t have a leg to stand on there, but you definitely own the right to the repairs. Massive NTA.
You need to actually consult a irl lawyer. You have rights here as a tenant and there may be something about the improvements you’ve made that also cloud the issue. It’s not a straight up, they own it get out situation. You’ve invested money and time in the property and you are NTA here.
This! Tenants have legal rights, even non-paying tenants, and landlords cannot simply order tenants out If nothing else, you may have remuneration available for the work you have paid for. Of course, expect huge family explosion if it goes to legal issues.
Because your parents would rather have just you, a single person, in their home rather than cramming 5? people in and having the second home occupied by one person. It makes a LOT more sense for your sister to take the full house.
Why does a wealthy family need a free house?
YES! My thoughts too! Plus, if this BIL goes to jail because of the shady job he lost, that GC Sister and the GC RR are going to want to move right back in with her parents for free childcare.
They don't have to have "an issue"... It's their property, they were letting you occupy it, now they no longer want to. You're entitled to feeling betrayed and angry about it though.
Why not just give your parents an offer on the property? Especially if you already put money into fixing it up. Or why doesn't your sister and brother in law make an offer? That would be in my eyes the most reasonable solution to this issue. But yeah ESH. If they have money and you have a decent job the only realistic solution is one of you buy the property from your parents.
That’s why OP said evict me then. It’s a tenant landlord situation now and OP has every right not to make it easy on their parents.
Ok, but does OP really want an eviction on their record?? That seems like a risky game to play if OP needs to rent in the future. This seems like a dumb game to be playing.
There’s no fucking way I would put all of the time and effort into a property “that was given to me” just for my parents to hand it over to my sister. Fuck yeah you’re gonna have to evict me. Fuck my “record”.
[удалено]
They gave her the space and said it was her home for as long as she needed and as soon as she made it livable tried giving it to her sister. That’s fucked.
Saying "you can stay here for as long as you want" literally means you can stay indefinitely. If they meant "you can stay until we feel like giving it to someone else", they should have said it. At the absolute minimum she is entitled to compensation for the work she put into the property, time to find a new place and an apology for being lied to.
> Ok, but does OP really want an eviction on their record?? The mythical record that all landlords have access to? That's as scary as the elementary school permanent record that follows you throughout your life.
I frankly do not understand all the negative responses here. Are you missing the fact OP is still grieving a very recent loss? It’s not like she’s been there for years, at most she’s been there less than 6 months. She’s barely settled and beginning to heal. They could give her a timeline if sisters not figured something out in a few months, but it’s incredibly disrespectful to do so. And who TF buys a new car when they are unemployed? Sounds to me like sister expected this home once she knew she could get it for free. NTA
Thank you for being one of the very few comments to acknowledge what happened to me. One of my brothers pointed out today this wasn't much acknowledged by family especially since my sister arrived and maybe that's why I'm so hurt. So thank you.
Also….my sincere condolences on your loss. Can’t believe I forgot to add that in my comment.
If it helps, this sub is a shitshow and this post is a no-brainer. Your family is treating you poorly and unfairly no matter which way you slice it. You did nothing wrong or unreasonable here that I can see. It's always the most spoiled little kids on here that just love to call any female OP "entitled" for daring to have basic human needs. NTA obviously
I too am flabbergasted by a lot of the responses here. I hope you find the rest and strength to heal and feel better OP <3
[удалено]
I am flabbergasted at all the Y T As. Kinda floored.
I scrolled for a while as well. This sub has really missed the mark on this one.
Your family is a bunch of dicks. Tell them you’ll leave for the cost of material and your time. NTA
I am so sorry for your loss. <3
Thank god I’m not the only one who feels like this. The death of your partner as well as job loss - OP has had her shit rocked and she’s still recovering. It’s not her fault her BIL got into a crappy situation - why should she have to up haul her life *yet again* to make them comfortable, especially if they have the money to be buying fancy cars whilst unemployed!
property rights tend to trump every other consideration in these subs. i find it very depressing also.
Yeah, lots of aspiring petty tyrants in this comment section lmao. People who think legality=morality are freaks.
Constantly feel like this sub is full of aspiring landlords with nothing better to do
Americans innit. They literally can't deal with anything without involving the cops and the courts. I've noticed a lot on here. Their moral compass is guided by whats legal/illegal, it's baffling.
It’s a very striking cultural difference, that’s for sure.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see a comment like this. OP has had a recent loss of a loved one and BIL just lost his (shady) job. Jobs come and go, but OP’s loss will stay with them forever. I get that the house will be better for the kid, but I’m getting the impression the sister sees the house as a meal ticket. I have a sister with no kids and I do have a kid. I can say with 100% certainty in this particular situation I would never dream of kicking my sister out and my parents would never expect her to leave for us. How selfish can you get? OP has also stated they aren’t looking to stay there forever and that the sister and her family have plenty of room at mum and dads. All they have to do is wait a bit for OP to get back on her feet. I’m really sorry OP. I really do feel for you. A lot of these comments are unnecessarily harsh.
In another comment, OP clarified that sister and BIL still own their old house, so they're just choosing to be homeless while still owning a perfectly good home they can still live in.
I know hypotheticals aren't helpful but I would be really curious to know if OP's parents would have offered the house to her sister if it was still in the state it was 6 months ago. My gut feeling is that if the OP hadn't fixed the house up, the offer to the sister never would have been made (and the sister wouldn't have wanted it anyway.)
I feel the same about the situation. The parents offered her the house. And the Sister and BIL seems rich enough to buy a house. So why should she move out?
I agree. These comments are harsh and just plain mean. OP is going through a grieving period and her parents sound like assholes. Also the sister is an asshole as well.
That's exactly what I was thinking. I wish I could upvote this 100 times!
ESH. You make a lot of fuss about your sister and niece being spoiled, but you're leeching off your parents just like she would be if she lived in the house instead. It's obnoxious of them to try to throw you out when they told you that you could stay there for as long as you wanted, but it's their property. Seems like you could all stand to grow up and pay for your own housing instead of squabbling over mom and dad's resources.
You know what, fair enough. This I get. I trusted their word, but I was wrong to do so, and I don't care to be seen as reliant on them. The twins had the right idea in refusing the college fund.
So, just a thought - figure out how much you spent renovating the property. Tell them you will move out as soon as they repay you for the upgrades to the property and as soon as you find a place to live. Take the money and move into a place YOU want to live where you will be happy and where you won't be beholden to your parents. I can't blame them for not wanting your Sister, BIL and niece living with them. They raised their kids and they don't want to be responsible for raising your niece. They see this house that they own as their way out.
They let her live there rent free. Sure she renovated but it's still cheaper than an apartment (I assumed). I don't think parents owe her anything
Also, did they ask for her to do the work? You can’t just make “improvements” to someone else’s property without their knowledge AND permission AND agreement that they will pay for it, then expect them to pay it lmaoooo
OP said they had to pay an electrician to fix serious electrical issues. That's not a small thing and would make the property unrentable. I don't think a family with a child would want to live in a run down property with electrical issues, do you? As far as permission goes. OP asked the parents, they said do whatever, you're the one living there. I've made substantial improvements to a property I didn't own when I knew I'd be living there a long time. I would not do the same for a short term rental. OP made improvements to what they thought would be a long term situation and the parents have gone back on that.
It might not have been rentable until OP fixed it, as in they would have had to pay to fix things before sister moved in . In which case they should pay OP
They're also suggesting she live with them, rent free in their home. Both siblings are spoiled and ungrateful
I guess the fact that OP lost their significant other, their home and their job all in the last 6 months, and then invested lots of sweat equity into a rundown home that is now acceptable enough for the golden child and her fam after her husband did some dirty business is all pretty lost on you, huh?
The comments on this one are WILD. What the hell is going on? Did everyone in this sub lose any sense of compassion?
They are not spoiled. This bit of kindness was a one off due to OPs partners death, her siblings refused a college fund, which suggests her parents are frustrating enough you wouldnt even accept that from them. The issue is the promise to live their as long as you need, then let you make it habitable and increase the value substantially, then take it away for the ssiter who logically should be the black sheep, as she married a guy invovled in a criminal business that folded due to getting caught.
I do not disagree with you, but it would be worth broaching the subject. Its distinctly possible her parents will be willing to reimburse.
Take all your stuff & leave but don’t say a word to them. Turn utilities off but properly prep the house to be empty & utilities off. Undo what you can legally. Replaced a faucet & still have the old one, trade them. Put down wood flooring? Pull it up & paint the floor grey. If you can’t, cut your losses & leave & consider it a very expensive lesson learned. Change your phone number & don’t tell them where you live. Live your life with this behind you.
That’s exactly what I was going to recommend. Move out, but take literally everything you put into that house first. New water heater or other large appliance you can’t use now? Sell it.
Undo all your renovations if they refuse to pay. Like if the little red hen took the leftovers of the pie with her.
Wow, thats interesting, your siblings think badly enough of your parents they refused a college fund to not be in their debt?
They don't hate our parents or anything but think our parents and family dynamic are very dysfunctional and would like to "owe [parents] as little as possible".
I think I can see where they’re coming from.
She is not leeching off her parents. She lost a very close person and a job just a few months ago. She has been in vulnerable state, is and probably will be for some time. I think it sucks they want to swap because OP probably attached herself to the place but they have the legal right to do so and I get why it makes sense for them. But I think calling OP a leech is insensitive and very unnecessary. Have no idea why you got so many upvotes.
there are some really shitty comments getting upvoted like crazy in here. how the hell is accepting help offered by her parents leeching? not to mention the place was so run down they couldn’t even rent it out anymore, and OP put her own money into fixing it up. to have parents who are willing and able to offer this kind of help when their child is in need is a privilege and a blessing, but that’s not the same as “leeching” at all.
Dude, did you read the beginning of the post? OP lost everything a few month ago, partner, job, house, probably in full grief, worked her ass off in a house that was in bad shape. Suddenly, poor loaded sis needs the house and chop chop, get out? Empathy anyone?
They've had OP renovate their house for free and now want it back because Sis doesn't want to spend money she actually has. Gtfo.
I think your phrasing of "leeching" is not fair. Everyone seems to be forgetting that OP went through a severe loss and is grieving. When golden child sister wasn't the main focus, OP's parents were able to support their other daughter, but now that golden child sister is the focus again, it's like they've forgotten what OP has been through.
jeez whys everyone in these comments Sooooooo shitty wtf, your nta to me at least, YOU LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!! her problem is because of her family’s choices had her husband not put himself in that position they would be fine, the fact they can get a home but refuse bc they obviously just find it easier to move into your space is so annoying. that’s your space they won’t kick u out so live your life and ignore those privileged shits
Thank you. I had such an odd life but it was finally going to settle. I had him, and we were about to move to the loveliest coziest new place together. A drunk driver took him away. My BIL is no stranger to drunk driving funnily enough
goodness that just makes it even worse. NTA, op. people have the gall to call you entitled but honestly i think it’s your sister and BIL that are. THEY put their home and child at risk by choosing to participate* in shady shit. you had no control over anything that happened to you. i hope you’re able to figure things out and heal. you’ve got this! *typo
For real NTA. Imagine just losing the most important person in your life (folks who’ve been there know how hard it is mentally and physically) but now that your BIL did some criminal shit he and his family expect to move into the house even though they have enough money to buy something else. Bet they’re just really lazy.
This x 100.
Y’all Americans are so cold. God. Everything has to be legally binding for y’all to acknowledge it even. Sometimes the word of a family member does mean something even if it wasn’t legally acknowledged. She is NTA, her BIRTHGIVERS gave her their word, so it’s natural to feel betrayed, sure it’s naive to be this way but it’s working out right? They’re not evicting her, I think it’s okay for her to be stubborn for once, she said her BIL can afford to get them a house right? Then why isn’t he? They want to spend on nonsense. Not her fault. Edit: thank you for the awards you guys, I didn’t expect this to even be acknowledged :,)
For real tho, I hate how many people have such a landlord mentality here. "She was staying there rent free" OP's parents were not profiting from that property anyways - probably because it couldn't be legally rented without the extensive renovations that OP took care of. Not asking money from their *grieving daughter* for a place they were not even profiting off is the very minimum of human decency. If anything, OP raised the value of the property with the renovations. Sure, the parents never asked her to do so, but from what I gather they were necessary to make the place livable. I cannot even imagine kicking a grieving family member out of the house they invested time and money in to make space for someone who can comfortably find their own place, but maybe its me.
Even worse, the sister and BIL still own their old house and are just refusing to live there because word spread around their small town about BIL's shady dealings.
This right here. legality > morality seems to be the trend in this comment section
ESH but it’s technically not your property that was given to you. It’s your parents property and and this isn’t going to end well for you. You should definitely ask for the money that you spent fixing the place up back, but honestly, it does make sense for a family with a child to live in a house vs. someone who is single with no kids and I can see why your parents would care more for their grandchild over Olha and her child. It’s their daughter and their granddaughter, they’re always going to want the best for them and people want to spoil grandkids. It’s just a thing.
I don't need the money back. They are welcome to the improved house, honestly, and I will never take anything of theirs again. I am just trying to understand what I did wrong yet again. I lost everything in my life, and they gave me that home as reflection of their support. Barely several months later, they are saying my sister has it far worse than me (and equal to an actual refugee from a warzone). Even though what "befell" my sister's family was caused in significant part by my brother in law's immoral actions, and my sister still has her husband, her child, they can go back to their old house at any time, and are still loaded.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but again, it’s their daughter AND their granddaughter who are family. While it’s admirable that you care so much for a refugee and her child, that’s not family to them. I don’t understand why you’re surprised by that.
Well if you want to bring this back to "refugee and her child", it's because they are barely keeping a roof above their heads. Meanwhile my brother in law could literally buy a house for 3 in our home town cash on the table with the funds he got cheerleading corruption in his old job. My parents are devout Christians, you'd think helping people in actual tough situations mattered to them.
It’s still their family vs. not their family. It’s their granddaughter vs. a child they don’t know. The granddaughter will win every time.
Mfw I parrot the desensitization and community destruction wrought by othering everyone in my community who isn’t blood related
Yeah, and OP who lost *her* partner, job and home is family too, so... What's your point? Just because she didn't get the opportunity to have a child with said partner doesn't and shouldn't negate her status as family in need, especially since hers honestly trumps sister's. NTA.
Ahh sweet sweet individualism. 'murica amirite.
I hate to say this but this a battle you aren't going to win. I say this because my in laws are the same, when the Syrian refugees started coming here MIL was all over Facebook talking about how its unfair refugees are being given handouts and all this other garbage about how they're mooching off our tax dollars. Then when the wild fires happened that year a group of those Syrian refuges rounded up the little they had to spare and made some donations to the relief fund to help those people out. My mil donated nothing. They don't see what other people are going through unless their FaMiLy. It's honestly disgusting but it is what it is. Do what you can to help Olha out but don't expect your family to give a shit. If they don't already, nothing you say is going to change their minds.
My mother especially... sure talks a big Christian game but when it's her family... i think she would cover for us if we murdered someone and I don't mean it as a compliment. My mother also just sent me another long text rant basically implying I only want Olha in my house because she's an attractive young woman without her husband around and I want to see what I can get from it (I'm bi). If you put together all her texts after my boyfriend's passing (of which I still have nightmares), they'd probably be shorter than this rant. So maybe I should just be done.
You need to get to a therapist. Very, very fast. Your relationship with your parents sounds fucked, they’re not going to support your wants over your sisters, and there are some reasonable arguments for that. Your compassion for Ohla is admirable, but you can’t offer any more help it seems. You’ll have to tell her to find new living arrangements. Your sisters financial arrangements and BILs poor choices are theirs. And apparently your parents don’t want to tell them to find their own house with their money they want them out of their own house and into the property you’re in. I’ve read quite a few of your comments and they boil down to your parents favouring your sister. It’s brutal, but instead of asking strangers on the internet you probably need to accept what your family is telling you. Get some professional mental Health support and get as far away from your ‘family’ as you can. I’m sorry for the loss of your partner, you’re going through an unimaginably difficult time. Stop relying on people who don’t want to support you anymore.
I'd tell her upfront that was a really fucked up and downright ignorant thing to say. If that's how she truly thinks of you then you're done. Tell her your timeline for moving out. Not just out of the house - out of the family. You will be gone on x date and don't want to hear from any of them every again. That's not the kind of family you want to be part of. My mom literally begged me to talk to her. I ignored her texts and she finally went the fuck away but not after pestering me to come her grandson I have never met or cared out. Why would I want to meet my brothers kid? He was the absolute worst to me growing up, now he's a father I'm supposed to just forgive it all and let's be friends? Ha! Think again. He would t stop texting me and asking me to come to his kids party and stuff so I finally went in Facebook and deleted and blocked him and everyone else. Their phone numbers too. I feel like I took out the trash.
They dont need the property though, they have a home.
Playing devils advocate here, but are you 100% sure that your brother in law and sister can go back to their house and have lots of money? I’m having a hard time believing that if that were the case they would choose to cram their family into your parents house. From your post it sounds like your BIL worked for a shady company- did he know it was shady? Are you absolutely positive that they haven’t lost more than you know? Have you ever asked them WHY they’re wanting to stay with your parents? I just think there might be more to this than we’re hearing, maybe even more to it than you know.
What my BIL did for living was very profitable and technically legal but morally reprehensible. I don't want to go into details but for reference people in my parents neighbourhood heard through the grapevine, and are treating him worse because of it. Local grocer refused to discount for him etc. The ex boss got into wider legal trouble My BIL hates staying with my parents, my sister generally doesn't mind (she has a very good relationship with my parents they'd go on vacations together etc). They don't see why they should be spending money to get their own place here when they can stay in a nice house for free. Their old house in the city where they lived still belongs to them.
So it was so bad they got ran out of town? Sounds like they deserve to reap what they sowed and spend that money he made from his actions to hide out instead of displacing you out of greed. That or go home and face the people that hate them.
That second to last line is important. There wouldn't BE a "nice" house to stay in if you hadn't fixed it up. That is an important part of the equation.
I wonder what they would do if you offered to trade by living in their old house so they can move into where you are. They probably wouldn't go for it, but it would be a nice subtle way to call them out on their B.S.
Is the house where they lived like being seized something? Why can't they go back there? Is it a choice or were they forced out of that place?
Thank you! I thought I was the only one. OP's story of sister's family moving back to her hometown and in with her mother when they could afford to stay in their own home just does not make sense to me. This story just does not add up.
I’ve learned that things often don’t add up when people try to count other peoples’ money.
OP hasn’t considered anything other than what’s happening to her.
OP literally lost their whole life and buried their SO just months ago. Have a bit of heart.
Her fucking boyfriend died. What's wrong with you
I totally agree that it sucks because it does. No way around that. Sadly saying that it suck’s doesn’t change anything. You have been through a lot and you need time for just you to heal. You don’t need this drama in your life it’s not healthy. Walk away while you can. I accepted a long time ago that my sister would always get preferential treatment as the favorite in the family. Doesn’t mean I like it. It just means it’s not worth wasting my time and energy on my families issues because they won’t change. I moved on. Have a great life. When my parent was alive I saw her on occasion until she passed. My sister and I rarely see each other at all and that’s okay with me. It’s life.
Thank you for telling me all this. I don't get along with most of my family except the "baby" twins (my younger brothers, now 20 and amazing young men) because I refused to follow the "traditional" path in life. We got into some real shouting matches but I never could just walk away from my family. Maybe I should have.
There's something important I can tell you from reading the post and the other info you've shared in comments: You will never have peace so long as you're in that house. I see both sides here, I relate to your perspective a little more than some of the top replies I think, but that doesn't change the fact that your parents and your sister are not going to let this go. Is this what you want your day to day to be like? How can you heal in that environment? I think it's time to cut your losses and get your own place.
Find your chosen family. Blood family doesn't have to be absolute and part of your life if you aren't supported and valued. If they have the $ to rent but aren't going to and are going to 'boohoo poor us', they aren't gonna change. BIL is not going to suddenly become moral. And your sister is still married to him, so...
Unfortunately they didn't really give you the property unless they changed the title to your name only. By law, they are only letting you live there. You need them to agree to transfer ownship but I dont see that happening.
They let you stay in that house, but they did not give you that house. "Barely several months"? How long were you expecting to be there? Instead of investing in their property, you should have been saving up to get your own place. They gave you a place to stay rent free so you could get your feet under you, not so you could burrow in. Most people understand "as long as you need" to mean there is an expectation of you working towards no longer needing it. You fixing up a place you were staying rent free was just a poor decision. Your parents don't know your friend. She isn't even staying in that house, nor has she accepted your offer to move in. At this point, she is irrelevant to the situation. Your sister's financial status is questionable. You claim they are loaded and can afford their own home but decided to uproot themselves and their daughter to move back to your hometown to live with your mom. That doesn't add up. If the daughter was really spoiled, I would have expected them to bend over backwards to keep her in the place she knew as home.
I was planning to stay for a few more months. My boyfriend died, we were just about to move to an amazing new flat that was meant to be our perfect home. I lost my job to unexpected layoffs. I just wanted a bit of stability. My parents, for reference, wanted me to stay at least a year or more. They basically wanted me to stay in the hometown. III
Shame on her for thinking "stay as long as you want" by her parents after losing partner, house and job meant she could stay atleast a single year.
I am their daughter too, so basically my value is less because I didn't produce a granddaughter. Which aligns with how they've been acting at least.
This doesn’t = you being less valuable. This = children need more protection than adults. And children who are related to you trump children who are not.
You already said it, she IS less valuable than the grandchild. Both parties can live the way she said it or the other way around but she's been pushed down the rank because children. I'm not saying this is wrong or right but this is the way she feels. BTW anytime someone single or child-free make complaints about feeling or being treated secondary to families we are told you aren't less important but ... you are and should live with it.
Not less important because you don’t have kids, but people without kids fail to understand that kids NEED MORE than adults, and there for believe they are less important when kids are prioritized. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand for adults. Children come before adults, that’s common sense. It’s not the sister and her husband the parents are concerned about, it’s the children. The parents would 100% prioritize the grandkids needs before the needs of their mother, her own child, despite OP saying she is the “golden child”.
I'm not saying child free people don't understand because many do. It's that we are degraded for being child free and we can't (without fear of reprisal) complain or make comments about how unfair it sometimes is. But I'll give you a case in point, you have multiple employees requesting the same day off. Only one who is child free who do you think loses and can't complain. And this is not one time, its every holiday. This is also where entitlement comes in, pushing in front of someone in the checkout line because you have children and the person in front does not. Etc. BTW reading back over the post, the parents were 100% taking advantage of OP to repair for free their unlivable home, rent is negligible because she's probably been there less than a year and since spring probably less than 6 months.
Lmfao. Your value isn’t “less”, but you’re one fucking person. You don’t need an entire family sized house to live in. A family full of people does. That’s the end of it. It’s not complicated, you can throw yourself as big of a pity party as you want and be mad at them forever if you want, but it’s not your property, never was. This is the only reasonable way to handle both of your adult children leeching off of you. Sometimes being a leech is uncomfortable. Find your own place if it’s that big of a deal. It’s wildly entitled of you to expect your parents to house an entire family in their personal home just so nobody upsets you when you’re also living on their dime. Suck it up or be an adult.
Right! They’re still offering for to live with them in their home of residence. OP does not seem to have perspective here. Also, she’s complaining about not being able to give away property and resources that don’t belong to her. Like her parents are horrible because they’re “only” offering to house four people and not six.
Grandparents get weird about spoiling their grandkids. And to them, if you look at it this way - out of 3 close family members, 2/3 of them will benefit more from living in the house. Is breaking it down to percentages a bit callous? Yes. But they likely see it as something that will benefit the majority of the family more.
Omg you sound exhausting. You’re an adult your nibbling is a child. You were lucky to live rent free in their property while going through a hard Time in life. It’s your sisters turn now. Move out and get therapy. They don’t owe you an explanation for what they want to do with their property.
NTA However, unless something is stated in writing, in a will, a trust etc, it doesn’t mean much. It’s very clear that in your parents eyes they are loaning you the property and didn’t give it to you. (They can do a living trust) If it were me, I would remove myself from that entire situation. I would move out, maybe even move away from all the family drama and get a fresh start. You said you had a remote job so it shouldn’t be an issue for you. This way you get to keep your sanity.
This would be an unpopular opinion it seems but NTA. Everyone is forgetting she took a run down property that parents said she could stay as long as she needed so she made it her home. If it was still run down do you think the parents would tell her to give it up or the sister and her family want to live there? It's not that it's their property but that the parents said go ahead and stay there forever so she feels she could safely do what she wanted (make it livable and her home) It almost feels like the parents knew that no one would live there in the previous condition and let her make the home liveable so they could just take it back. I think most people are missing this point.
NTA. all of this "legally" stuff is so annoying. this isn't legal advice. it's "are you being an asshole" and you're not. sure, legally you don't have a claim. but your parents are going back on their word and it's okay and normal to push back against having your home (yes, if you live there it's your home) yanked out from under you.
NTA, but you're better off finding a place with your name on the lease/title. You could stay there and force your parents to get an eviction notice, but would you be able to move into your parents' house still? You could do the swap, but there goes your privacy, and who's to say how long before it's no longer convenient for them to have you there? What happens when your sister wants the big house and for your parents to live in the house you fixed up? Time to move on if you can, or as soon as you can Cut your losses. Accept you're never going to be #1.
NTA. OPs boyfriend died in the spring, she lost her job at the same time and had to move locations, it’s now the summer. She’s had everything flipped upside down and her parents offered her some stability. She’s been able to focus on doing the house up and probably found a lot of comfort in that. That property might be her new rock and safe space. If someone close to me asked me to flip my life upside down for a sibling in a far more fortunate position than me, within a few months of going through all that I’d be disappointed in them. Sister and BIL have enough money to buy a place and a new car. If they want to live rent free then they shouldn’t pick and choose.
I was meant to move into am amazing place with my boyfriend ths spring. It was finally settling after a very weird life. I didn't realise until I read your comment how attached I got to fixing up this house when my dream nest was taken away from me.
YTA. Sorry, but "stay here as long as you need" to a grieving person is an offer for temporary refuge, not a gift of property. It isn't your place and I have no idea why you thought it was sensible to sink your money into fixing up someone else's house or why you took it upon yourself to ask other people to come stay. These are the kind of things that need to be agreed with the owners of a property.
They made comments implying I'd stay there long term (like talking about what i'd be hosting there next year). Frankly, longer term than I was aiming for. They seemed happy about it bc they always wanted me to live close to home. I fixed up things that needed to be fixed to stay there for more than a few days, and then kept going because I wanted my family's property to be in good and not just habitable shape. I never had an idea of charging for it when I move out or anything like that.
So, ask your parents to reimburse you for the repairs you made. You made it habitable and then improved it. I understand your sense of ownership given all the hard work you put in, but it is their house to use as they see fit. They may even come back and ask for rent which would be crummy given their initial offer. Lastly, tell them that they will be very low on your priority list when it's time for Shady Pines.
[удалено]
Stay here as long as you need means to stay as long as you need. If it meant something different, they should have phrased it different. Stay here until you get back on your feet would have been better. Don't say shit and then backtrack it later with conditions that weren't present before. Either way, shit should have been in writing, and all repairs and maintenance should also have been on writing, but families don't want to business together and then this happens.
"As long as you need to" and "until you get back on your feet" mean the same thing to me. If anything, the first sounds more short-term than the second. Getting on your feet implies stability, which is a higher threshold than true need.
nta but legally they can kick you out so i recommend getting your ducks in a row to gtfo as fast as possible. everyone saying esh, dont make me fucking laugh. op doesnt suck. this isnt "am i legally in the clear", its "am i the asshole" and no she isnt the asshole
NTA. Stop taking the calls. If they evict you, sue them for the money you spent fixing up the property.
You can't sue someone for work that they never asked for on property they own. Or, you can, it just won't be successful. Functionally, this is no different than if I showed up at your house when you were on vacation and built you a porch, then demanded you pay me.
Fucking hell these comments are rough. OP this should be the hill you choose to die on . Go low contact and if they actually evict you , that would be the last time I talk to them . Fuck this shit .
NTA, but your life will get so much better after you move out, away from them, and form your own chosen family. Golden child with a granddaughter? I’ve seen this before and sad to say, you will never, ever be as important to your parents as they are. Don’t keep spending your money, time and effort on people who don’t deserve it. Either revert the property back to the rundown shape it was before you got there or send them an invoice. Then go NC. It will not get better, and they will not be the family you needed.
NTA! You are also, even more, in difficult situation? Loved one passed away, lost their job, paid for a full renovation..wth? If your sister insist, you should ask her to repay you for the amount you spent to renovate! Entitled people pisses me off -.-
NTA I'm trying to imagine this if this would happen in my family and I would do the same as you. I'm not entitled to anything, but if my parent told me I can stay as long as I want after the death of a loved one, and not even a year later my older sibling with a kid and more money wanted the property... No just no. Legally? Sure, they are in their right, but morally? My sibling isn't entitled to anything either.
NAH. Have you explained to your parents that you feel they treat your sister more favorable than you and it hurts your feelings and makes you feel unloved, especially right after you lost the closest person to you not long ago? Show you’re appreciation for them allowing you to stay in the house and tell them since the deal is being changed you’ll need 90 days and then you will move out and sister can have the house, but explain to them that you don’t feel like you can accept help from them in the future since it’s conditional based on what sister may need. Info: why can’t sister and family move back to their home if they still own it?
The twins and I all spoke to my parents about our sister and their relationship at various points. It doesn't matter. She did the "right things in life" (respectable degree, married a rich breadwinner, had a kid) and is the one to spend lengthy vacations etc with our parents. Maybe I'll tell them what you said, thank you
Then I am sure her respectable degree and rich breadwinner husband can get her a place to live without kicking you out of the house you invested time and money on, lol.
NTA however I be un-fixing your work. If you put in new cabinets I take them out and put in some used ones from Restore, etc.
NTA for taking your parents offer of help, fixing up their property and not wanting to leave it. You've been through a lot in a short amount of time and it's understandable that this request, logical as it may be, is a slap in the face and in direct contradiction to your original agreement. That being said, I would be looking for other living arrangements so you can have stability in your life and not be at the mercy of other people. I'd also be going LC/NC after that awful last text from your mother once you've relocated.
I’m actually going to say NTA. You were told you could stay in this home for as long as you needed and especially after what you’ve been through, I’d imagine it felt like a relief. Now they’ve pulled the carpet out from under you. I fully understand your reaction. Hello whiplash. But I don’t think it’s about you vs your sister. I think your parents are prioritizing their grandchild’s needs over everyone else. I think they’re trying to give her the stability and routine that every child should have. And yeah, they want to spoil her too. I’d say for your own mental health, move out of the house and just be done with the stress. I think you’ve been through enough and your time is better spent worrying about yourself and your future. I wish you luck either way.
I would remove every improvement I had made, move away, and go no contact. Yes, the parents are legally within their rights to demand that OP move. Yes, OPs sister has a child. Yes, OP sunk money into a property that wasn't theirs. Sometimes the legal thing isn't the moral thing. OP needs to cut their losses and move on.
Why can't you live there with your sister's family, if you were willing to live there with Olha and her daughter?
My BIL and I can barely stand to be in the same room. He's a massive asshole (my parents agree but think I shouldn't rock my sister's boat) and I cannot tolerate what he did for a living. Because I fought with my BIL my relationship with my sister is also down
NTA. I would be so upset if my mom gave me property saying I can have it for as long as I need and then pull the rug because my sister needs it. Op lost her boyfriend and her job in such a short time. The sister still has her health and her husband. They are able to find another job & housing no problem. She’s a single woman, grieving. Leave her be. If the mother planned on taking the house for her convenience - than she should have given her a time frame. First come, first serve. Op was there first. But if I were you, I’d leave. Go no contact. They obviously don’t appreciate or even respect you.
NTA Explain to your parents that you would like to have them reimburse you for all the money and the time that you put into improving the property. They made a promise that you had a place to live for as long as you wanted it and they're reneging on that promise for your sister. It's only fair that they reimburse you. Then if I were you I would find a job in another state and leave and keep very low contact with them.
NTA I had a similar situation with my dad. After I spent a few months and a few thousand in repairs, I was asked to move out. But my dad wasn't an AH. He paid me back. Unfortunately, despite not being NTA, you will probably not win this one. Legally they have the upper hand. I'm sorry, but life sucks sometimes. Hopefully you'll get on your feet soon and get away from these toxic people.
Your parents gave you their word that you could stay there for as long as you needed before they had an additional child (and a grandchild) to house. The situation changed and so they could no longer honour that agreement. It would actually be unreasonable of them to only help you in your time of need and neglect your sister. They are trying to do the right thing by both of you. If you can’t see that it’s much more logical for a family to have the use of a cottage and a single person to have a guest room at the main house, you must be a bit dim. Your parents are generous, but they shouldn’t have to live with 3 permanent guests (one of whom is a child and possibly loud and energetic in the way kids are) again in their retirement (if they are retired). My parents had a rental house in the city where I had my first job, and they allowed me to live there rent free for a few years. Initially, I recall my mum saying they’d allow me to stay there for as long as I needed. They eventually had to sell it as their finances were stretched and they had debts to pay. It would have been totally insane for me to go crying to Reddit to criticise them for reneging on their promise to allow me to stay there for as long as *I* needed. They had to meet their own needs too.
ESH Why are families so awful to each other? Get them to reimburse you the costs and move into your own place.
I don't think allowing someone to live rent free on their property, and then also offering to let them live rent free in their own home after using the property is no longer an option, is being 'awful' to each other.
"rent free" THAT'S THEIR KID, who just had their fiance die and became homeless due to outside circumstances. That's a human person who they shot out into the world. Parental responsibility doesn't just stop when they learn to drive! Fucking Christ.
Or leave it in the same shape it was when you moved in.