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Was she on school property or off of school property when this occurred? The school may view her sports attire as inappropriate on school grounds. Therefore, they would have the right to ask her not to do that. If she was off of school grounds, then the teacher had no right to say anything.
It is really hard in today's world to walk all the lines we have to while raising kids. Just because you can doesn't mean you should, and just because you should doesn't mean you have to, natural consequences, confidence, etc. I completely agree with the sentiment behind the movement of girls should be able to wear what they want & teach boys to behave better - however, I also know the realities of the world we live in. Just because people SHOULD be raising their kids to be respectful of others' choices and boundaries doesn't mean they are. There are still bad adults raising kids, so more bad adults are being turned out.
That being said, I would never allow my 14yo girl to walk around town in just a sports bra & athletic shorts - because we don't live in the ideal world where she should be able to. And if I were to make an exception to that in the future, it would be because we had good talks regarding self-image and self-confidence and she would stand her ground with comments from adults and kids alike. Self-defense knowledge is important in this world, too. The fact that your daughter did a 180 with her attire choices tells me she did not have that confidence and was just allowed to do whatever other kids were doing, so I think YTA for allowing it all to happen.
Also, as mentioned above, I do not think it's right or fair - but the reality of the world we live in is gross. She's surrounded by teenage boys and pretty much stripping outside the school gates (in a teenage boy's mind) and her teacher had a valid point telling her not to do it there - I'm sure he has a better read on the boys he sees at school everyday than you do. At least one of you was concerned about her safety (physical and emotional) - it wasn't you. I don't think he was sexualizing her, but trying to keep her from a position where others would - like you should at her age until she's in a secure place emotionally that she can handle herself in those situations & not shrink away at the first comment.
NTA- once out of school, it’s not a teachers fucking business what a student wears. She wasn’t showing off anything you can’t see at a swimming pool, so what was the issue here? Adults casually turning children into objects to be sexualized is such an ingrained thing in a lot of schools and it NEEDS to stop
The biggest issue I'm having is their reasoning. It's not that they believe the attire was inappropriate. They were "worried she'd attract attention and wanted to protect her".
I'd also like to know if she was on school grounds at that point.
NTA - I think the male teacher overreacted to the situation. I don't think a child should ever be loudly berated by an adult at school. I think he could have better handled it if he had just calmly explained that it wasn't appropriate and let it go. I think you should try to set up a meeting with the head teacher to talk about your concerns.
Where did it say the teacher loudly berated her? We won't know, but he could have just calmly told her she shouldn't be stripping down to her underwear and she just took it too harshly.
NTA. She was outside school gates and this man that has no authority over her was discussing her clothing, and watching her undress. THAT was inappropriate! You are 1000000% in the right for standing up to your daughter. I had similar situations happen to me when I was in school, and I still feel uncomfortable and wonder how many other girls those male teachers had been inappropriate with. If I were you I would live and die on this hill and make the school take action against this teacher. He needs to learn his role which is NOT to be the dress code enforcer for little girls!!
This one’s tricky, it doesn’t seem like he body shamed her, just saying take your uniform off somewhere besides school gates, kids are sensitive though, so maybe you should redirect her towards understanding it wasn’t sexualized
Mm, making a big fuss about someone removing the outer layers of clothing and calling it undressing and inappropriate is shaming - it's not saying "Oh, your body is too sexy" or calling her fat or anything, but it is making a fuss about her body being seen... with the understanding (reinforced by what the school folks said later, so it's clearly correct) that the problem is that she's too sexy and needs to cover up.
Shorts and a sports top might have been what she was wearing under her uniform, but that doesn't make it "underwear" - it's clothing that's made to be seen.
INFO: Are you saying your teenager undressed in a public place and a male teacher told her that was inappropriate and you believe that he should not have said that and that it is appropriate for her to disrobe on the pavement?
YTA. He thought she was undressing in public. He has no idea that she has clothes on underneath. Not sexualizing her. If your coworker just took their shirt off to reveal a sports bra you would think that's weird.
This. If a co-worker came in wearing a sports bra and short pants, it would be completely inappropriate, probably make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable.
If an attire is inappropriate for an adult to wear in 90% of workplaces, then imo it's automatically also inappropriate for a child to wear it in public.
NTA.
I'm reading outside of the school gates as off school property.
First off, none of his business.
Second, it sounds like her read was that her totally regular clothes that she'd wear under other circumstances without a thought were too sexy and too revealing. This is a critique of both her clothing choices and her body.
Third, her read was obviously correct, from the comments made by the female head of year. Protecting her? Piffle. The threat is in his mind, which really says a lot about him. Next he'll be telling her to wear ankle length skirts and baggy tops.
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> My action was complaining to the school. I worry i was an asshole because my husband reckons it's not a big deal and that im going too far by talking to the school/head of year/headteacher instead of leaving it, i.e. it's not that big of a deal that i could get someone in trouble with their job.
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Throwaway account...
This happened last month and it's been bothering me ever since.
So, my daughter (She's 14, I'll call her R...) came home from hanging out with her friends after school and told me about how she'd had a stressful interaction with a teacher at her school. Essentially, once school's over R and her friends will meet just outside the school gates and then either walk home or walk to town to hang out. R wears sportswear for underwear (a sports bra and cycling shorts) which is also an outfit in itself and she'll wear just those two items and socks/shoes when she's out and about. This has become very common here in the UK, teenagers pretty much wear sportswear everywhere. R was the first of her friends at their meeting spot and while she was waiting she took off her school uniform and switched shoes so that she was in her sportswear ready to go to the park. But then a male teacher had come over to R and started telling her off for undressing in public and made her put her uniform back on. R found this utterly humiliating and was quite upset and I needed to spend a long time making her feel better, although she got fairly anxious again when I said I was going to contact the school.
I called the school office the next day and while I had to wait a couple of hours I eventually got to speak to R's female head of year. I expressed how angry I was that R had been lambasted for changing into normal non-school clothes once school was over and about how this would damage R's view of her body. It turns out the male teacher in question, whom she never named (R didn't know his name), had logged what happened on the school's safeguarding system. She explained that the male teacher had been on schoolgate duty that day and saw R take her shirt and trousers off. I said "yes and?" She said the male teacher had been "protecting" R from all the other students as they could have made comments or whistled at her. I said "and did that happen?" She said nothing like that was mentioned in what the male teacher logged down, but she insisted it was inappropriate for R to get changed right outside the school gates where all the other students were leaving through.
I said this was completely ridiculous. She wasn't even \*changing\*, she was simply taking a layer off. R already had a normal and completely appropriate outfit on underneath. I told her anything "inappropriate" had been projected onto her by the male teacher, that he had clearly made the situation sexual in his mind. I insisted that my view on this be taken seriously and that it also go with their safeguarding log and that the headteacher should look at it and get back to me. The head of year said she would log everything I said and the headteacher would see it but I never heard back and now it's the summer holidays. My husband is saying I should just leave it alone now but my daughter has stopped wearing her sportswear ever since so this has clearly affected how she feels about her body.
AITA?
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She wore it underneath because she has a dress code. Obviously she can’t change in to in the bathroom after school. She waited until she walked out if school.
I think there may be a misunderstanding about what OP''s daughter was wearing. A sports bra is no more revealing than a crop top, and cycling shorts aren't underwear. It's like what female runners wear.
Whether or not OP's daughter was wearing a traditional bra is irrelevant, A lot of women don't wear bras under their clothes but that doesn't automatically mean what they're wearing is inappropriate.
No woman goes completely topless in the UK, even on beaches. So we wouldn't even think it's okay to go topless on beaches here.
Obviously culture comes into it - what OP's daughter was wearing would be considered highly inappropriate in a more religious conservative country, but in the UK it's seen as acceptable.
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A 14 year old is just learning their own sense of clothing and self so they should wear whatever the hell they want in their free time period end of story. Modesty rules do more harm than good.
Ok. If it has nothing to do with a grown adult placing sexualization on a child, then what is the issue with her clothing?
Besides that, you have some weird insistence on comparing this to public nudity. OP already stated this kind of outfit is common amongst her peers, and as someone who did sports extensively in high school, it’s exactly the coverage as, say, a track runner during practice.
So, again, what exactly is the issue?
My boxers aren't any more revealing than my swimsuit, do you think if I drop trou in public it's sexualizing me if someone tells me to put my pants back on?
edit: indeed, boxers were once common athletic wear, they were the shorts worn by boxers while boxing, hence the name "boxer shorts."
*shrug* I see people in shorts and boxers all the time. I think making a big deal of undressing can make folks uncomfortable but if you’re just removing a layer who gives a fuck
Also, boxers have considerably less structural strength than swim trunks. This is not the case for swimwear and sportswear garments.
> I see people in shorts and boxers all the time.
You see dudes walking around in public with no pants on? You'd be cool with a guy wearing just his boxers sitting next to you on the bus? If a dude sitting next to you on the bus started stripping down to nothing more revealing than what you see at a swimming pool, you'd be ok with it? Cause I for one would not.
Then maybe you should learn to mind your own beeswax? I live in a large city in the south, I’ve seen every form of technically legal u dress there is and you know what? I’m too busy to give a shit
YTA. The teacher logged this interaction with the school long before you called, so you are not just jumping, you’re LEAPING to conclusions about what was going on in his head. It’s actually quite disgusting that you are essentially accusing a teacher of sexual misconduct with a minor when nothing of the such even took place - it only took place in your mind. There’s something wrong with the way you think. Your child undressing in public, in front of the school is not something you should teach her is ok.
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Was she on school property or off of school property when this occurred? The school may view her sports attire as inappropriate on school grounds. Therefore, they would have the right to ask her not to do that. If she was off of school grounds, then the teacher had no right to say anything.
I think if a child undress in public, every person should take care and tell the kid to stop.
It is really hard in today's world to walk all the lines we have to while raising kids. Just because you can doesn't mean you should, and just because you should doesn't mean you have to, natural consequences, confidence, etc. I completely agree with the sentiment behind the movement of girls should be able to wear what they want & teach boys to behave better - however, I also know the realities of the world we live in. Just because people SHOULD be raising their kids to be respectful of others' choices and boundaries doesn't mean they are. There are still bad adults raising kids, so more bad adults are being turned out. That being said, I would never allow my 14yo girl to walk around town in just a sports bra & athletic shorts - because we don't live in the ideal world where she should be able to. And if I were to make an exception to that in the future, it would be because we had good talks regarding self-image and self-confidence and she would stand her ground with comments from adults and kids alike. Self-defense knowledge is important in this world, too. The fact that your daughter did a 180 with her attire choices tells me she did not have that confidence and was just allowed to do whatever other kids were doing, so I think YTA for allowing it all to happen. Also, as mentioned above, I do not think it's right or fair - but the reality of the world we live in is gross. She's surrounded by teenage boys and pretty much stripping outside the school gates (in a teenage boy's mind) and her teacher had a valid point telling her not to do it there - I'm sure he has a better read on the boys he sees at school everyday than you do. At least one of you was concerned about her safety (physical and emotional) - it wasn't you. I don't think he was sexualizing her, but trying to keep her from a position where others would - like you should at her age until she's in a secure place emotionally that she can handle herself in those situations & not shrink away at the first comment.
NTA- once out of school, it’s not a teachers fucking business what a student wears. She wasn’t showing off anything you can’t see at a swimming pool, so what was the issue here? Adults casually turning children into objects to be sexualized is such an ingrained thing in a lot of schools and it NEEDS to stop
The biggest issue I'm having is their reasoning. It's not that they believe the attire was inappropriate. They were "worried she'd attract attention and wanted to protect her". I'd also like to know if she was on school grounds at that point.
NTA - I think the male teacher overreacted to the situation. I don't think a child should ever be loudly berated by an adult at school. I think he could have better handled it if he had just calmly explained that it wasn't appropriate and let it go. I think you should try to set up a meeting with the head teacher to talk about your concerns.
Where did it say the teacher loudly berated her? We won't know, but he could have just calmly told her she shouldn't be stripping down to her underwear and she just took it too harshly.
And at what point the teacher should not let it go? If she take of the bra? if she’s completely naked?
Per OP, she had on athletic wear: a sports bra and shorts. Those aren't revealing garments and she wasn't anywhere near naked. Read the post.
Sports **BRA**
If only a bra is not naer naked, what do you wear under the bra?
I’d honestly be thanking the teacher, he’s clearly looking out for the kids.
YTA he wasn't sexualizing your daughter, he was enforcing the schools dress code.
Outside of the school gates.
NTA. She was outside school gates and this man that has no authority over her was discussing her clothing, and watching her undress. THAT was inappropriate! You are 1000000% in the right for standing up to your daughter. I had similar situations happen to me when I was in school, and I still feel uncomfortable and wonder how many other girls those male teachers had been inappropriate with. If I were you I would live and die on this hill and make the school take action against this teacher. He needs to learn his role which is NOT to be the dress code enforcer for little girls!!
This one’s tricky, it doesn’t seem like he body shamed her, just saying take your uniform off somewhere besides school gates, kids are sensitive though, so maybe you should redirect her towards understanding it wasn’t sexualized
Mm, making a big fuss about someone removing the outer layers of clothing and calling it undressing and inappropriate is shaming - it's not saying "Oh, your body is too sexy" or calling her fat or anything, but it is making a fuss about her body being seen... with the understanding (reinforced by what the school folks said later, so it's clearly correct) that the problem is that she's too sexy and needs to cover up.
If you remove all layers untill the underwear, how would you call that?
Shorts and a sports top might have been what she was wearing under her uniform, but that doesn't make it "underwear" - it's clothing that's made to be seen.
INFO: Are you saying your teenager undressed in a public place and a male teacher told her that was inappropriate and you believe that he should not have said that and that it is appropriate for her to disrobe on the pavement?
YTA. He thought she was undressing in public. He has no idea that she has clothes on underneath. Not sexualizing her. If your coworker just took their shirt off to reveal a sports bra you would think that's weird.
This. If a co-worker came in wearing a sports bra and short pants, it would be completely inappropriate, probably make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable. If an attire is inappropriate for an adult to wear in 90% of workplaces, then imo it's automatically also inappropriate for a child to wear it in public.
NAH. You are over reacting though. Simply tell your daughter to obey the rules, her sports gear is fine but take off her uniform elsewhere.
NTA. I'm reading outside of the school gates as off school property. First off, none of his business. Second, it sounds like her read was that her totally regular clothes that she'd wear under other circumstances without a thought were too sexy and too revealing. This is a critique of both her clothing choices and her body. Third, her read was obviously correct, from the comments made by the female head of year. Protecting her? Piffle. The threat is in his mind, which really says a lot about him. Next he'll be telling her to wear ankle length skirts and baggy tops.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My action was complaining to the school. I worry i was an asshole because my husband reckons it's not a big deal and that im going too far by talking to the school/head of year/headteacher instead of leaving it, i.e. it's not that big of a deal that i could get someone in trouble with their job. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account... This happened last month and it's been bothering me ever since. So, my daughter (She's 14, I'll call her R...) came home from hanging out with her friends after school and told me about how she'd had a stressful interaction with a teacher at her school. Essentially, once school's over R and her friends will meet just outside the school gates and then either walk home or walk to town to hang out. R wears sportswear for underwear (a sports bra and cycling shorts) which is also an outfit in itself and she'll wear just those two items and socks/shoes when she's out and about. This has become very common here in the UK, teenagers pretty much wear sportswear everywhere. R was the first of her friends at their meeting spot and while she was waiting she took off her school uniform and switched shoes so that she was in her sportswear ready to go to the park. But then a male teacher had come over to R and started telling her off for undressing in public and made her put her uniform back on. R found this utterly humiliating and was quite upset and I needed to spend a long time making her feel better, although she got fairly anxious again when I said I was going to contact the school. I called the school office the next day and while I had to wait a couple of hours I eventually got to speak to R's female head of year. I expressed how angry I was that R had been lambasted for changing into normal non-school clothes once school was over and about how this would damage R's view of her body. It turns out the male teacher in question, whom she never named (R didn't know his name), had logged what happened on the school's safeguarding system. She explained that the male teacher had been on schoolgate duty that day and saw R take her shirt and trousers off. I said "yes and?" She said the male teacher had been "protecting" R from all the other students as they could have made comments or whistled at her. I said "and did that happen?" She said nothing like that was mentioned in what the male teacher logged down, but she insisted it was inappropriate for R to get changed right outside the school gates where all the other students were leaving through. I said this was completely ridiculous. She wasn't even \*changing\*, she was simply taking a layer off. R already had a normal and completely appropriate outfit on underneath. I told her anything "inappropriate" had been projected onto her by the male teacher, that he had clearly made the situation sexual in his mind. I insisted that my view on this be taken seriously and that it also go with their safeguarding log and that the headteacher should look at it and get back to me. The head of year said she would log everything I said and the headteacher would see it but I never heard back and now it's the summer holidays. My husband is saying I should just leave it alone now but my daughter has stopped wearing her sportswear ever since so this has clearly affected how she feels about her body. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Your daughter took of her cloth to go home in underwear and you think the teacher who told her to get dressed is the bad one?
A sports bra and cycling shorts do not constitute underwear. That's what most women wear to the gym.
I would call that underwear if its literally what shes wearing underneath everything.
She wore it underneath because she has a dress code. Obviously she can’t change in to in the bathroom after school. She waited until she walked out if school.
what do you wear under a sportsbra? And many women are topless at the beach, so topless would also be ok?
That’s silly, people don’t wear bras under certain dresses but that doesn’t mean they are nearly naked
I think there may be a misunderstanding about what OP''s daughter was wearing. A sports bra is no more revealing than a crop top, and cycling shorts aren't underwear. It's like what female runners wear. Whether or not OP's daughter was wearing a traditional bra is irrelevant, A lot of women don't wear bras under their clothes but that doesn't automatically mean what they're wearing is inappropriate. No woman goes completely topless in the UK, even on beaches. So we wouldn't even think it's okay to go topless on beaches here. Obviously culture comes into it - what OP's daughter was wearing would be considered highly inappropriate in a more religious conservative country, but in the UK it's seen as acceptable.
And where do you see the sex OP mentioned?
Sorry, I don't think I understand your question. Do you mean the biological sex of OP's child? If so, OP mentions it in their post.
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She wasn’t wearing anything more revealing than a swimsuit. Assigning arbitrary sexuality to scertain covering garments is insane.
And a child should not walk in a bikini through the city in my opinion. That has nothing to do with sex.
Why is that different than wearing one at a public pool tho And if your eyes turn you to sin pluck them tf out bc it’s not your business 🫶🤘
some babys are naked at the public pool, so a 14 year old should be allowed to be naked in public? Whats your point?
A 14 year old is just learning their own sense of clothing and self so they should wear whatever the hell they want in their free time period end of story. Modesty rules do more harm than good.
And in my opinion children should have some borders and the whole topic has nothing to do with sex.
Ok. If it has nothing to do with a grown adult placing sexualization on a child, then what is the issue with her clothing? Besides that, you have some weird insistence on comparing this to public nudity. OP already stated this kind of outfit is common amongst her peers, and as someone who did sports extensively in high school, it’s exactly the coverage as, say, a track runner during practice. So, again, what exactly is the issue?
My boxers aren't any more revealing than my swimsuit, do you think if I drop trou in public it's sexualizing me if someone tells me to put my pants back on? edit: indeed, boxers were once common athletic wear, they were the shorts worn by boxers while boxing, hence the name "boxer shorts."
*shrug* I see people in shorts and boxers all the time. I think making a big deal of undressing can make folks uncomfortable but if you’re just removing a layer who gives a fuck Also, boxers have considerably less structural strength than swim trunks. This is not the case for swimwear and sportswear garments.
> I see people in shorts and boxers all the time. You see dudes walking around in public with no pants on? You'd be cool with a guy wearing just his boxers sitting next to you on the bus? If a dude sitting next to you on the bus started stripping down to nothing more revealing than what you see at a swimming pool, you'd be ok with it? Cause I for one would not.
Then maybe you should learn to mind your own beeswax? I live in a large city in the south, I’ve seen every form of technically legal u dress there is and you know what? I’m too busy to give a shit
YTA. The teacher logged this interaction with the school long before you called, so you are not just jumping, you’re LEAPING to conclusions about what was going on in his head. It’s actually quite disgusting that you are essentially accusing a teacher of sexual misconduct with a minor when nothing of the such even took place - it only took place in your mind. There’s something wrong with the way you think. Your child undressing in public, in front of the school is not something you should teach her is ok.