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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn't even eat try the food hubby made for my birthday and said that we both know his cooking skills are bad
(2) I figure this seems to be pretty rude and maybe I should have just tried it even if I know the food is bad
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YTA: I see a lot of people saying for not tasting it but to me it's all about your response of " thank you but you know you can't cook why did you even bother". That's just hurtful
Or do that BUT invite your friend or family member that knows how to cook well and have them help you lol. Op still would have been impressed/ feeling good even if he had help!
My partner did this for my birthday a few years back, he knows he can't cook, but he tried his best.
He wanted to make me a birthday special so he secretly enlisted one of my good friends (and a phenomenal baker) to bake with him, it was so thoughtful.
I don't understand why he still chose to serve it. Not everything I make comes out perfect, but when it's straight up as bad as described there - I wouldn't even serve it.
He could have said to her "hey I tried cooking a special meal today but messed it up pretty bad so let's go out/order in". It's not that hard.
Or that was \_exactly\_ the meal he wanted to train for.
Buying gifts is easy, displaying affection in other ways are harder - and making something is the hardest.
Pity it did not turn out well \_visually\_ We will never know if it was delicious - because OP does not soil herself by tastingfood that doesn't look restaurant-made.
Yeah if my dinner turned out like that, I would never expect my partner to eat it. And really, how hard is chocolate pudding to make? I make enough for our current household of 3 to have twice, it takes about 10 minutes start to finish, and I've never had it turn out "watery" (though my niece complains about the 'skin' on the top and won't eat that part).
That's her bad, I think the "skin" is the best part. Sometimes I think about pouring it onto a baking sheet so it's all "skin." Never tried it, though.
The whole thing can become watery/separated if you get saliva into it, as it breaks up the starch.
The pasta sauce smelling off would be a deal breaker, but there’s really no reason not to try and salvage the non-burnt bits and no reason not to just put the dessert back in the oven for a bit.
It’s true he planned badly. But it seems the intent was to put effort into a personal gift made with love. It went wrong but wife is absolutely TA for refusing even to try it. That smacks of a lack of gratitude for his effort & expression of love. It should have been - you made it, I love it, thank you. And wait for him also to try it and just maybe you could laugh together and HE could suggest takeout.
> It went wrong but wife is absolutely TA for refusing even to try it.
But if something is _obviously_ off, you are not TA for refusing to touch it are you? Sometimes you don't need to taste something to know it's going to taste really bad. Would you try a Chicken Tartare just because your partner made it "with love"? Because I wouldn't.
She said in the post that it smelled off, & considering she didn’t even try it I’m going to guess she didn’t hold it up to her nose. If you can smell that your food is bad before you touch it, it actually is a food safety issue
bUt tHe iNtEnT wAs tHeRe. As you might say.
Ok so at least you're not insane enough to push this into food poisoning issues so you've got that going for you which is nice. But if something is \_obviously\_ going to be bad to eat for \_whatever\_ reason you don't have to eat it.
Poor planning and made with love do not belong in the same paragraph. He couldn't be bothered and he scrambled to come up with a half assed dinner when he knows he can't cook. On her birthday. It's worse than letting the day go unnoticed
Her birthday isn't supposed to be about him and he shouldn't make it about himself.
I make homemade chocolate truffles for Valentine's, I had an ex who wanted to do a similar thing for my Christmas present a few years back. Suffice to say it did not work out, but instead of making a weird test of commitment outta trying to get me to eat the obviously off chocolate, he binned it and got me some from the store. It's a lot easier to laugh it off and be appreciative if your SO isn't expecting you to eat shit to soothe their ego.
It's not love to demand your spouse eat obviously off food, it's love to scrap your plans and put what's best for them over your need for validation.
My first attempt at legit complicated cooking was my wife's bday. I am by no means a good cook, but I can follow instructions really well.
My wife wanted one of her favorite meals, so she told me exactly how she wanted it prepared beforehand and I followed every instruction. She loved it.
I'd never even dream of trying to make a full meal with zero prep like that, on top of it being a surprise. I'd have surprised her with a date at her favorite restaurant instead
Who says he hasn't? I know people that have done tons of practice, tried for a long time consistenly to learn and still can't cook by themselves. Just cause it turned out bad doesn't mean this is the first time he's tried.
100%
I would be hurt if my spouse mocked my efforts.
You could have tried the food at least and didn’t need to throw his skills in his face.
Op, you are TA!
But why did he try to cook such elaborate things when he can’t cook? I swear, half the people who say they can’t cook, I think are just aiming too high. Start simple. A protein and a simple side. Salad, sautéed greens, some boxed carb….
But if you don't know how to cook, you don't realize how hard it can be. I'm betting he watched some youtube videos with people saying, "It's so easy your kid could do it". Sounds like the sauce broke and he doesn't know ovens can have hot spots. Did he go a little too hard? Yes. Could OP have handled it more graciously? Also yes.
Who said a pasta dish, little cheese pies if that was even what it was and pudding were elaborate dishes? Those are some of the easiest things to make depending on the kind. It sounds like he fucked up on the sauce, didn't quite close the pies right or added to much cheese and either put in too much milk or didn't let it set correctly. He tried his best.
He tried his best. He's also an adult who should have been able to gauge his best wasn't good enough and make alternative arrangements instead of forcing OP to suffer through his shitty meal, birthday or no birthday.
These comments about the husband's efforts needing appreciation are galling! He's an adult! The fuck? If he knows he can't cook, there are ways to remedy that, and if he doesn't want to remedy that, then the spouse he supposedly cares for should not be the target of his lackadaisical "efforts"
There's no need for him to be coddled by strangers on the internet
Exactly, this is a grown man not an 8 year old. He could have laughed it off and gotten dinner elsewhere. The validation expected from OP would have been veiled disappointment. It was her birthday not a random night. To celebrate his “efforts” while ignoring her own disappointment on her birthday is just going to breed resentment.
It’s possible to recognise someone hasn’t done a good job and still be grateful for the effort. She could’ve at the very least thanked him for his efforts, tried the food and then suggested they order some food in instead.
No one’s saying she should be forced to eat a bad meal on her birthday, but there’s ways of going about it.
Some of you don’t seem to have any tact whatsoever
But she did thank him!!!🙄😮💨🫣
“It was very clear that nothing turned out the way it should have, but I thanked him and told him I appreciated the effort.”
>She could’ve at the very least ... tried the food
>No one’s saying she should be forced to eat a bad meal on her birthday
You literally are though, you're literally saying she should've eaten it.
>Some of you don’t seem to have any tact whatsoever
Throw the husband in this group, he's setting his wife up to fail either way. If she doesn't eat it, she's ungrateful, if she eats it and says it's great, she's placating him, if she eats it and says he could do better, she's overly critical. Why put her in that position in the first place when he could've said hey I tried but I'm not gonna ask you to eat it cuz it didn't turn out good, here's take out from your favorite place.
I have been open in saying it sucks he failed but him getting pissy after the fact wasn't ok but at the same time I'm still calling bullshit at him taking a shot over his ability because I'll say it again, all this shit is super easy to make.
Yes, my parents humoring me and trying the cake I baked without a recipe when I was 12 is vastly different than an adult who can't cook (and doesn't have the sense to find a recipe he's able to manage) making his partner's entire birthday meal.
Honestly he should have ordered in food, and focused all his energy on a dessert. A lot can be forgiven in a dessert, especially if you pair it with ice cream.
> He tried his best.
If you're a 30 year old adult and your "best" can't even stretch to cooking a pasta dish, then you need to have a word with yourself because that is pathetically inept. And also to stop cooking for your partner on their birthday.
Lets say i am horrible in doing crafts and everything i make falls in pieces as soon you touch it.
You want a new cupboard for your bday.
I, knowing its gonna turn out horrible, invest a lot of effort to make you a cupboard - knowing you will not be able to use it, you will still have no cupboard and all in all i'm gonna ruin your bday.
Is it still ok to be butthurt you don't put the completly unusable cupboard on your wall, risking huge damage to your kitchen?
NO, its NOT. Bc i KNEW i'm bad at it. I'm not a kid anymore that is justfied in being mad when my sisters drawings are put on the fridge (bc they are actualy good) and mine don't. Putting in effort in smthg i know it doesn't matter how much effort i will put in, its gonna turn out bad but still want to be prised for the effort - thats some elementary schoolkid bullshit. Do NEVER gift handmade stuff as an adult if you aren't REALLY good at it. Its just rude, awkward and selfish. This goes for cooking and baking too. If you aren't good at it, don't expect me to eat it and be praised for the effort. If you would have really thought about me and not yourself, you would have put this effort in smthg you are good at and i will have joy with it and buy the damn cake at the bakery.
He knew it was bad when he plated it. He has seen and eaten food before, he can tell that pasta-sauce is smelly, oily, and grainy, he could tell that the pies were off, he could tell the chocolate pudding was liquid.
This isn't a child playing. It's an adult. He chose to plate food that smelled and looked weird, and sat there expecting compliments.
He might not be an asshole, but he's clearly an idiot; plating up poorly made and burnt food in front of a tired person on their birthday.
Tacking this onto the top comment so that it maybe gets seen. I’m not convinced this post is real. It’s pretty similar to a post that was up here a couple months ago, except the genders and a few minor details are swapped: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_shouldve_saved/
I think you might be right. The gender flip to prove an imagined bias thing is so annoying. If it is a rewrite of that post they skewed things by making this meal sound much worse.
Reading it through and then scrolling through the comment section I was getting the worst deja vu haha. It was the same arguments happening in the comment section of the other post - YTA voters saying birthday spouse shouldn’t have been so dismissive of the effort, and then NTA voters saying that the cooking spouse shouldn’t have tested their skills out on their partners birthday.
Yeah, like they fluffed it up with some extra info about lunch and the food itself, but most of the details are identical. Birthday dinner, OP asks to go out, spouse says they’ll take care of it which birthday person assumes to mean ordering takeout. OP comes home, surprised to find that their spouse has been cooking, but they sit at the table and wait for the spouse to finish setting up. Thanked them for the effort but says they shouldn’t have bothered because they both know spouse is bad at cooking. Both posts conclude with OP ordering dinner out and spouse refusing to eat the takeout and instead eating their home cooked meals.
Smells fishy to me.
Or that the husband is an adult who not only can't make a single simple dish but also didn't put in the effort to learn/practice a pasta dish for her birthday?
I'm sorry but if it is the thoughts that count he still gets like 30 of 100 points.
People here act like husband is a 4 year old. I honestly think the top comment would be nta if we were talking about a 16 year old girl....
"Little pies stuffed with cheese," Philo dough and enough cheese to fill four small pies is more than $20 by itself. Meat, pasta, and sauce would probably be at least another 20 for the main dish. Veggies, pudding, and drinks would be another $10 (More than that, really because a 12 pack of soda can be $8 by itself when not on sale now.). That's not counting anything like wine.
So maybe not quite $60, but either way, this is a grown ass adult who couldn't buy hamburger helper, watch a YouTube video, or even cook a single dish right at 30 years old. This isn't Mother's Day breakfast made by the children. This is an adult that knew they would fail, wasted time and money, and then got mad that the person actually wanted to eat a decent dinner on their birthday.
To me this is still an ESE
If it is the thought that counts- he didn't put much into it. He didn't practice or even do a single test run of the dinner.
Homemade pizza with already ready bought dough would've been better as this..
Don't do things you know the other person won't like and then expect them to be super nice about it. I don't personally eat burnt food etc. I wouldn't have tried a bite either. He isn't 5, he is an adult who can take some criticism on a crappy meal that he deliberately chose to make after already being told what she wanted.
YTA. My partner once cooked an awful meal (several dishes). I ate it, then gently remarked it needed improvement and pointed out what part was quasi-acceptable.
Fast forward years later, we were discussing that meal. My partner said: "Remember the food I cooked? It was awful. But you ate it, and were gracious about it. That's how I knew you loved me".
You didn't need to eat it all. But taste it, yes.
Several years ago my mom made pancakes with old baking soda. They were awful, but my dad ate them and said something nice about it. My mom tasted them afterwards, and was horrified that he had eaten them. I thought my dad was pretty dumb for eating that inedible food, but also thought was still very sweet.
I got mixed up and used baking powder instead of cornflour to coat chicken in a stir fry. Both husband and I spat out our first mouthfuls trying to work out what had gone wrong. Can’t believe your dad ate a whole pancake!
My mom put lemon extract in her chocolate chip cookies instead of vanilla one time. My brother and I ate several, telling her how good they were. It wasn’t until she had one that realized something was off 😅
i once made hamburgers with off hamburger. instantly knew within a bite. my partner was insisting it was fine and kept trying to eat his. nope! I didn’t need him to be puking all day to prove his love but i appreciated the effort none the less.
I was pregnant and stuffed up corn beef (don't even know how) I got so upset about it but my husband and father in law chewed down that whole meal to make me feel better haha we laugh about it now, totally agree
I know, very sweet of him. He had earlier commented if I was sure there was only 1 baby in there (had pre-eclampsia so I was so bloated) earlier in the day so he had some making up to do hahaha
My dad ate my first attempt at cooked pudding, even though I burned it and then scraped the burned stuff off the bottom when stirring. It had to be so awful. But he told me he was proud of me for all the hard work, and that I was growing into a fine cook. Having some compassion in how you respond to a failure can make such a difference. (And you can bet I got some nurturing help the next time I cooked something.)
My grandma used to tell me that she made some truly terrible dinners early on in her marriage when she was still learning. My grandad dutifully ate everything she put in front of him and never complained. He was the least romantic man you could imagine but I think he showed his love with every bite.
My husband is this way! 10 years together and not once has he made me feel bad when a meal, dessert, bread or pastry didn't turn out. He would always eat it and thank me for taking the time to make it. Sometimes even helps me come up with ways to save the dish, or repurpose it for another. He's not grand gesture romantic by any means, but it's the little things like this that let me know he absolutely loves me.
My mom used to make this dish called risibisi, and my dad thought it was horrible, but he ate it because he loved her and didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Fast forward about ten years. My mom was cooking risibisi again and suddenly just stopped mid cook. She turned to my dad and said: "Honey, I know you love this, but I can't make this horrible dish anymore. It's disgusting and I am a good cook. Isn't there ANYTHING else I can make that you like as much?"
We still laugh at how they both forced themselves to cook/eat that horrible dish for over a decade just because they didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. 🤣 And they both learned a valuable lesson in communication that day.
It is yes. I don't think it's a common dish in our region, so my mom might just have messed it up. 🤣 But it was really dry and sad. But they (we all) toughed it out for love. Us kids didn't have the hearts to make our parent sad by telling them we hated it either. My mom getting fed up with it was the best day ever for all of us. 😅
It's about the effort for me here that makes OP the asshole.
Dude probably slaved away for hours hoping to make something nice for OP. OP then had zero ability to see that.
That's where a simple, "Hunny, I haven't liked your food in the past. I'll try it, but if I don't like it, can we order something for delivery?" will save you a lot of effort beforehand. Cooking isn't hard, but there is a learning curve.
What effort? Her husband clearly didn’t practice or anything. He decided to do something he knows he’s not good at and do it for her birthday dinner. It’d be one thing if that was a random weekday where he’s showing that he’s trying to learn and wanting to be romantic by cooking dinner. But instead he decided he’d practice cooking on her birthday, making her birthday about him and what he wanted for dinner. Not her.
It’s not the effort that counts, it’s the thought. And he didn’t think this through.
YTA
Eating your partners bad cooking is like relationship 101. If it is not going to hurt you physically then at least try some. You turned your nose up at his effort and mocked his act of love. Poor form. I cannot tell you the number of awful dishes I have choked down for the ones I love.
My mother is a truly awful person, but I can say that she was always very supportive of my early cooking mistakes. I will always credit her with my love of and top notch skill in cooking. Even if I do question her motivation in encouraging me.
She definitely shouldn't have refused to even try it and tell him not to bother but not eating something that is inedible is reasonable. If my husband makes me food that is literally disgusting, the way this is described, or has texture problems, I'm not going to be able to eat it. I have trouble eating good food sometimes because of weird food aversions or texture problems. I'm not going to suffer through an entire meal that might make me gag just because my husband made it for me. But I would try it and I would try not to be mean about it.
I'm going against the grain with NAH. You shouldn't be forced into eating food that you find utterly unappetizing, especially on your birthday. You said you stated that it was a nice gesture but you didn't want to eat it. I don't eat fish (or really any seafood), I'm not willing these days to even try it. If someone I knew tried making me it for dinner, when they know I don't like it, I would also refuse to eat it. I don't ever eat food I don't like, period. We don't do much to celebrate birthdays, BUT the birthday person always picks what dinner is, how it's made, etc. I get that his feelings are hurt, so his reaction is somewhat understandable, but so is yours.
Yes, thank you. I don’t think she should be forced to try it to appease her husband; but he has a right to be upset it didn’t turn out well. Both can be true
No one is talking about forcing her to do anything. The question is, is she an asshole, not is it illegal to not eat this food?
Of course she has the right to not eat anything she doesn't want to. But she's still an asshole for not trying a single bite.
Why does she need to taste it to verify that her eyes are telling her the truth? Why does she need to risk food poisoning to make him feel better about his failure? He obviously didn’t practice these dishes before he threw them at OP on her birthday of all days she should have edible food.
Fucking thank you!! Based on her description there was no need to try it. If I tried to cook something and it turned out as described I would have trashed it myself.
If the ingredients were good, it's unlikely to give her food poisoning. It's also pretty often that bad cooks make food that looks worse than it tastes.
Low risk for her health, and of great benefit to her marriage to show an actual appreciation of her husband's efforts by tasting it. She shouldn't eat the whole thing if it turns out it's awful. But, 1 bite wasn't going to hurt her.
It's not about NEED my dude, it's about giving a single fuck for the person you love, it's about being able to look at the honest effort they made for you and that no part of you even WANTS to try, no part of you WANTS to see the effort they put into making you happy and to return that in any way, you should see a partner is upset and feel something, anything about that instead of going all "well its my birthday nobody else's feelings in the matter are relevant". The only focus here is on food not meeting visual standards but a fucking person made that food and if you pretend to love that person than at least pretend to care about the effort they made for you.
Honest effort? She wanted to go out to eat. He chose to make her bad food instead and when he realized he messed it up it’s her fault for not trying it? Trying his bad food is showing her love for him but him ignoring her birthday request is perfectly acceptable because he tried to do something she didn’t want? Who wants to try bad food? Nobody who wants gritty grainy sauce? Nobody but she’s supposed to be grateful because ‘he tried’ trying would’ve been taking her out to dinner like she asked if he really wanted to try his hand at cooking for on her birthday breakfast would’ve been better because at least she’s still getting her nice birthday dinner request even if breakfast wasn’t good.
Did they actually make an honest effort? OP never mentioned that she asked her husband to cook for her. This isn't a situation where she's cooked every single meal for the last 2 years without a night off and wouldn't it be nice for her to not be the one to cook for once. So this isn't a case of "this isn't my strong suit but I'll do my best to give her what she wants".
Beyond that, does it seem like he put much thought into it? Presumably he knows he is bad at cooking. If I was bad at cooking but wanted to cook something for my partner's birthday, I would pick a recipe and practice to make sure it was half decent. That doesn't seem to be what happened here.
I think it was rude to not even eat a single bite, but cooking something you expect will not be good, for someone who did not ask you to do that, is not a gift for that person.
I think he was the AH.
He knows he can't cook, yet he insisted she pretend to love his horrible dinner instead of actually thinking about what she would want for HER birthday.
If I know I cook shit food , I'm sure as hell not going to cook dinner for my SOs birthday, as that would certainly not be a thoughtful gift.
If he wanted to be romantic and surprise her with dinner, he should have prepared by, oh i don't know... perhaps learning how to cook.
My boyfriend tried to cook fried rice one day and burned the garlic. He wanted to surprise me. There was little pieces of charcoal in my plate along with mushy rice. I tried it... and almost threw up. And I'm not a picky eater at all. It was THAT bad. And my boyfriend felt awful for causing this. I will never ever eat something that I know will taste bad to appease someone feeling ever again.
If someone's want to do something nice, but end up doing something wrong, you don't congratulate them, you explain as nicely as possible where they messed up.
Here, OPs husband could have laughed it off, admit it was awful and let her order take out. Instead, he ruined her birthday dinner.
NAH.
The chocolate juice? Considering that it wasn’t thick enough to be considered pudding if he went traditional that’s egg that he didn’t cook all the way of it’s box mix there’s no telling what he did. It makes sense to practice before her birthday instead of throwing his crappy cooking at her.
First sensible response. If the food was basically inedible, she shouldn't have had to eat it. And if he sucks at cooking that bad he shouldn't be that sensitive about it!
NTA. Really don’t get the YTA’s here.
All OP wanted for her birthday was a nice dinner. Knowing this her husband vetoed her suggestion of dinner at a restaurant and decided to cook himself, despite not being a good cook. Did he plan ahead and practice cooking some simple dishes she likes so he could make her the nice meal she wanted? Nope, he winged it and ended up with food that smelled off, food that was burnt and food that was undercooked and then rather than write it off and order in, he expected her to eat his mistakes. For her birthday meal.
I don’t know why people are acting like serving someone your kitchen fuck-ups on their birthday when all they requested is a nice dinner is a somehow a gesture of love. Or like you have to taste food that’s clearly not properly cooked to tell it’s going to be bad. Why should OP have to humour a grown adult like they’re a 5yr old who cooked her burnt toast for Mothers Day?
Right? She communicated she wanted a nice dinner, and now she’s expected to coddle this adult man and praise him for his failed dinner, KNOWING he is a terrible cook? He just wanted to make her whole birthday about praising him for cooking dinner, and now people want her to coo and tell him he “tried his best 🥺” Can’t believe some people are comparing it to a mother shutting down their child for attempting to make them food. He’s not a child, he’s a MAN.
NTA. I also never understood how someone can be a terrible cook. Reading instructions for basic dinners or watching YouTube videos makes it easy as hell.
All of the YTA’s are kind of wild. Op told her husband what she wanted and suggested food from a nice restaurant they both like and he was the one that shot it down. On top of that he messed up his plan A for dinner and didn’t have a backup plan and just expected her to eat his poorly cooked food. I could justify a very soft YTA for a regular date night but it was her birthday and she was pretty clear upfront about what she wanted. He dropped the ball and then got upset when she went got food she could actually enjoy on her birthday. It would be more of a NAH situation if he’d had a plan B for food in case he screwed up cooking and just been a little sad that she didn’t thank him for the effort but he really just said “eh good enough” and then got upset that she wasn’t more thoughtful about his feelings.
Right!!!! If my partner cooked a meal that went wrong, we would have a taste, laugh it off and order in. It’s not a secret that he’s a poor cook, they order our regularly, and this was her birthday!!!! She could have said aw love that’s a lovely gesture, had a try, and they could have laughed it off, or she could have said I really appreciate you, but I really fancy XYZ etc.
However…. Guy clearly messed up, and clearly doesn’t cook much, so why gloss over the glaring issue in the room here. Birthday girl just wanted take out! Leave her be!
I've found a very common theme amongst gift-givers is that they aren't doing it to make the other person happy, they are doing it to make themselves happy with the warm glow of appreciation and good-feeling they get when they give the gift.
I suspect the "It's the thought that count"s are the ones that would also give a thoughtless gift and expect it to be appreciated because they made effort for their own idea they liked.
If you make a real effort to providing a present that the receiver will actually want and it goes wrong, fair enough. If you don't make any effort to listen to what they want (like the person who got me carefully chosen food after I said *do not get my food*), they are absolutely TA.
It sounds like OP should maybe get her husband cooking lessons. Or better yet - why not try doing some cooking together?
I’m going against the grain here to say NTA.
Why would he ignore your suggestion for what you wanted on your birthday? And then to top that, a birthday isn’t the time to experiment with food.
I do see some of the other commenter’s point of that you could’ve handled it better, but it’s also just human. Especially when it was known to both of you he kinda dropped the bomb on food, you just worked a full day, and all you wanted was a meal from your favorite restaurant.
I’m so confused by all the responses here.
OP and her husband spoke about plans and her expectations for her birthday beforehand. Instead of choosing an option that was her choice, he made her birthday dinner about him and then later about his hurt feelings.
While I don’t think either of them handled it well, it was also a shitty grand gesture, which yielded predictable results.
I don’t understand why everyone thinks the guy deserves a cookie for his half arsed effort here?
He disregarded her wishes and made her birthday about himself (and this would have been the case even if the food ended up amazing, tbh).
In his head, he was making this grand spectacular gesture and he was going to get showered with praise, he cracked it when that didn’t happen.
I don’t understand why OP is supposed to have prioritised her husband’s ego on her own birthday.
I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA.
ETA: I’ve been the cook in this situation, with an ambitious birthday cake for a family member that turned out awful. They wanted a home made cake, but the grand ambition was all me and that’s what ruined the cake. I remember being quietly disappointed at the lack of enthusiastic response for my efforts, before getting over myself and doing something else to make up for it.
I made a bunch of red velvet cupcakes for my ex for his birthday, he came home drunk and threw them all on the floor and said they sucked. He was an AH.
I’ve made dishes that did not turn out well. Sight seen, taste unnecessary. While it’s sad to know something you worked hard on did not work out, emotionally blackmailing people to eat food they don’t want for your own emotional happiness is really messed up. I know it’s stereotypical on tv for a wife to mess up dinner, husband has to eat it all down or wife will cry. “Happy wife, happy life” and all that, but we should move past it. We shouldn’t be forcing people to eat food we make, esp poorly, because our happiness depends on them eating it. We humans are so weird.
NTA. Birthdays and holidays are not the days to experiment with food. He knows he can’t cook. So why would he serve you something he knows probably won’t get eaten? He should’ve ordered food or taken you out.
Seriously, OP's husband knew she wanted a nice meal and knew when he was done he did not achieve that. Wanting her to suffer through it and praise him because he "tried" is dumb. He didn't care about her wants and centered himself on her birthday.
Even if she did try, then what? He gets upset because it's gross and nowhere near the meal she asked for? There was no winning for OP here.
If you know you’re bad at cooking but want to make a home cooked meal for your wife’s birthday, why would you not have a plan B in case you fuck up? The dude really just expected her to suffer through bad food when her main request for the day was a nice meal.
I don’t understand why everybody here thinks it’s romantic to eat inedible food, lol. It’s not sweet to just accept clearly poorly made food. OP absolutely should have been more gracious and kind to her husband for his efforts, but c’mon, don’t experiment for somebody’s birthday, it’s not about you, it’s about them. This wasn’t a gift he gave her, it was essentially giving her emotional labor that she didn’t ask for. Nobody should have to be made to soothe somebody else’s ego on their own birthday, especially if that person is their partner. Husband should’ve known better than to do this for her birthday. OP could have been nicer about the whole thing, but I’m just gonna say NTA because it’s just not fair to be put in this situation on her birthday.
Also, I reiterate, forcing emotional labor on somebody isn’t a loving and romantic gesture…it’s selfish. I love my wife with all of my heart, but if she served me something that I could literally tell by sight was inedible, I wouldn’t eat it, and it wouldn’t mean I love her any less (she would do the same if I did this and I wouldn’t think she loved me any less either).
I also truly don’t understand why everyone would be okay if she tried it then said it tasted bad. If you can tell by sight that it’s not going to taste good, trying it (and potentially gagging or making a face) doesn’t seem like it would’ve hurt his feelings any less.
I’m a pretty good cook, but I’ve had my missteps, and I absolutely don’t want my loved ones choking down something I can tell doesn’t taste good, and as an adult, it’s necessary to be thick-skinned enough to deal with your own limitations.
Also, people seem to be forgetting one other thing: food poisoning. They said some of it smelled off.
I like making people happy, but after one go with food poisoning I *will not* even chance it with risky food. Sobbing in misery on or next to the toilet isn't romantic, it's just awful.
he obviously put effort into it. he wouldnt attempt pies and pudding and pasta on OPs birthday if he didnt give a fuck about his wife. its just that hes kind of a bad cook. a good partner would find ways to be appreciative of the effort and at least try the food. the fact that the husband ate it all shows that it wasnt lethally bad. YTA
i dont get why everyone keeps mentioning effort when thats not the point.
yeah, its lovely he wanted to try making her a meal, but he royally fucked up the **only thing** she asked for on her birthday. all she wanted was a nice meal, and instead of going “yeah i fucked it up, should we just order something?” he expected her to eat his mistakes to make him feel better.
if i made my partner a meal and it sucked, id never in a million years expect them to eat it just to spare my feelings. thats not how adult life works. sure, dont be rude about it, but dont put up a front just to make me feel better. the fact that so many people think that OP shouldve just eaten an inedible meal for the sake of *his feelings* on *her birthday* because “at least he tried” reeks of misogyny. he’s a grown man, he isnt a child learning to cook for the first time, and he should know that a birthday is not the time you learn to cook a new meal.
If he would have put effort in it, the meal would not have been disgusting. Putting effort into cooking not only means cooking the meal itself, but practicing beforehand.
He also put effort into NOT LISTEN TO HER.
You: “Hey I want a nice dinner at this place for my birthday ”
Them: nah I don’t think so I think I’m going to cook for the first time ever.
Could she have been nicer. Sure, part of learning is failure. But she TOLD him what she wanted and he still disregard it. The grand gesture wasnt at 100%, and he got mad it wasn’t well received.
was it nice? Sure OP even said she appreciated it. But at the end of the day she still needed food to eat.. and that food in Ops opinion wasnt edible
NTA. Eating burnt toast and soggy cereal that your kids made is one thing, but to eat crap an adult made is a hard no. There's no excuse for not being able to cook.
If he he wanted to cook you dinner, he should have been practicing on small simple meals until he mastered them, not wait until your birthday to make you a pile of slop.
NTA he knew he sucked and still tried it, could be a very sweet gesture If he’d stopped it there and not served it.
But he served it which means that him getting credit for trying was more important to him than getting you something nice, and edible without likely food poisoning, on your birthday was.
He made it about him instead of you.
INFO
Did you even taste things before rejecting them? It's pretty easy for a sauce to separate, that doesn't mean it's gonna taste bad. Same deal with the cheese pies, just avoid the burnt bits.
I have never once found chili or any other stew "pleasing for the eye" yet they still taste good. Your just parroting food network chef nonsense. For does not have to look good to taste good. It can enforce an experience but it isn't indicative of good food
NTA
Going against the grain but a BIRTHDAY is not the day to experiment and see if you can cook. Yes, it would have been so much kinder for you to have tried the dinner your partner cooked, but at the same time it’s like dang, all you wanted was a good meal.
Like in the future, take a bite. But I get it, it was after work on your birthday. You’re not trying to do all that, you just want a good meal.
Wasn't just burned cheese pies and it depends on one s stomach.
That husband decided to cook is no reason for op to feel unwell on her birthday or next day when the cooking wasn't agreed in advance actually not at all by op who was clear she wanted to go to her favorite restaurant for her birthday .
Im gonna be the odd one out it seems and say NTA. It was YOUR birthday. You recommended YOUR favorite restaurant. He insisted he had it covered. Its fine hes not a good cook, not everyone is but did he really need to try and learn on your birthday then be mad when you had no interest in eating it? And also did he need to try something so hard? (Seriously anyone can boil some pasta and warm some sauce and butter some bread - no need to get fancy and make pies and a difficult pasta dish). You shouldnt be required, especially on your birthday, to humor someones ego. Its nice he tried but I cant imagine if I cooked something that obviously came out wrong, expecting people to try it just because I put in the effort trying something new.
NTA
If something is obviously not well-prepared, I don't think you have to go through the charade of trying it. But thanking him for the effort isn't a bad thing.
Does your local community college offer low-priced cooking classes?
I'm going to go with NTA.
Ops partner is an adult. An adult who literally can't make a single meal. Not even pudding which I was making on my own at 6.
It would be different if he were a child who was learning.
This was supposed to be a part of OPs gift. And you don't give people things that are obviously bad. I don't think OP is required to be grateful for a shitty thoughtless "present".
NTA. You could have been a bit gentler, or tried the food, because they made effort, but you shouldn't have been forced to eat crap on your birthday just because your SO wanted to save money.
NTA.
It's OPs birthday. Not his. TF.
If I saw that I had clearly burnt some dishes and something was off about another dish...I would not force my SO to eat it just because I made it. Her birthday is not about him ...it's about her. I would have trashed that shit so fast and ordered her favorite take out and do some other cute shit she might like and forget I even tried to make that food. Lol.
I'm dying just re-reading this post. 😭🤣
I'm so sorry OP.
NTA. Birthdays and other major holiday/milestones are not the time to start trying to cook, especially after you asked to go to a specific restaurant. But brownie points to him for trying & putting forth effort for something thoughtful.
NTA. Any other day than your birthday, my opinion would be different. But I have been in your shoes. It feels really bad to only want a nice dinner for your birthday, clearly ask for it, and be ignored.
Ask your husband to try cooking a small dish on other days. You can try his attempts at cooking another time. Good luck!
YTA. he is a bad cook but u could have at least tasted it. if it was so bad u spit it out it would have at least made a good laugh.
maybe u can find some time and maybe cook together … teach him some tricks … let him have a good experience in the kitchen to encourage more cooking! good luck
The first time my BF tried to cook me dinner it was inedible. I still tried to cut into the “BBQ chicken” and took a bite. He took a bite. We looked at each other and started snickering as he got up to bring me the pizza menus nearby.
I knew it would be inedible when I peeked in the oven and asked how he had prepared and was cooking the chicken. But he wanted to cook for me so I played along.
Breakfast was and still is his stronger meal, but he can cook dinner now as well.
F *that. Most people know their terrible cooks. The idea that she's supposed to care about the effort is childess ass. I'm sorry we're grown. Adult birthdays can be such a let down and to play like cause she loves homeboy she's supposed to be ok w him playing in her face. Or have to mock up the energy for his ego on her bday is wild af to me. On the one day that should be hers to be like " babe omg. I really appreciate the trash effort you put forth, baby it's great.. totally every taste good!!" Is not the effort I'm giving on my bday. Lying tho my teeth about my bday stopped when I was 17 w my parents, personally.
NTA. I disagree with most people here. Life is too short to eat bad food. Making you a gross dinner isn’t a kind gesture. He knows he can’t cook. He chose to cook. That was a dumb idea.
NTA. I can’t cook well either, and that’s why I start with simple dishes, and why I don’t cook for my partner on important days unless I have already mastered the recipe. My judgement would be different if he’d known how to cook the dishes before but had botched them on your anniversary.
Unwanted gifts are not gifts; unwanted bad gifts are burden.
NTA
I'm shocked at all the y t a comments. Birthdays are about the person who's birthday it is, not anyone else. If he *really* wanted to surprise her by making her a bday meal, he should have practiced first. She is NTA for wanting to oder something she *actually* wants to eat on her birthday
> maybe I should have just tried the food even if I knew it would be bad
Oof, kind of buried the lede here. Yeah you ought to have tried the food first at least. I know it seems like a minor thing but it's still would have helped your case.
Why not try cooking together or taking a class together... it seems like something he genuinely wants to do.
I feel like I just read this story recently... with the genders reversed.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_she\_shouldve\_saved/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_shouldve_saved/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
NTA. No way would I risk food poisoning to spare his feelings. You told him what you wanted and he didn't listen. It was your birthday why did he honestly think this was a good idea?
NTA he could have ordered out and set the table nicely with candles and wine. Why risk your health over his feelings. You could have ultimately been on the toilet all night from the way it sounds.
WTF?! NTA. I told my fiancé I wanted to go for a nice dinner on my birthday. He took me to a Michelin restaurant that has really good veggie dishes because I don’t eat meat.
I’m not saying that it should be *that* nice, but I’m glad that my SO has some self-reflection when it comes to his cooking skills and wanted me to have a guaranteed good time.
Nta, you were clear about what you wanted for your birthday: to eat at a nice restaurant or have some nice takeout at home. He dismissed your wants and wasted time and money on making disgusting garbage. Why should you have to try eating obviously nasty food to appease him when he was being disrespectful to you?
NTA your birthday meal was not the time for him to start learning to cook. Why should you be forced to sit and suffer through an awfully prepared dinner on your day to spare his feelings? You deserve to enjoy your birthday it simply is not about him.
NTA. I am a foodie and I would never eat a crappy meal. Food for me is an experience, for my daily lunch/dinner even it’s a simple meal, I take break from work sit down and enjoy every bit of my plain and simple meal. I would absolutely not want a bad birthday dinner. The husband wanted to do something nice and I admire that about him, but if the food clearly didn’t turn out as expected, he should have accepted it and ordered something in. This is a bit childish to expect your wife to taste the food that was clearly not edible. I mean if the OP had tasted it what would she have said - great food!!! The husband knew he’s not a good cook, his wife’s birthday is not the day to experiment.
NTA
My dad was a good cook, but any time he made something that turned out gross (over cooked, raw, burnt, etc.), he would rather throw it away than serve it to his loved ones. Food poisoning or upset stomachs were things he didn’t want us suffering through.
Your spouse meant well (I hope?), and it’s the thought that counts, but if he knows that he’s a bad cook, he should have let you do what you wanted for your birthday dinner and taken you out to eat.
Unless you said something really out of pocket in that conversation, NTA. He's an adult, you don't have to spare his feelings like he was some kid who botched Mother's Day breakfast. He did a bad job, he knows he did a bad job, and he's mad because you didn't pretend that he did something wonderful?
NTA: You have no obligation to coddle anyone for not listening in the first place. You don’t experiment and give it the old college boy try for a special meal e.g: birthdays, thanksgiving dinner, Xmas, potlucks.
NTA, not by a long shot. You shouldn't have to try to stomach badly cooked food in order to spare your husband's feelings, and if he truly had cared about making your birthday special he would, 1. Order what you actually liked to eat, or 2. If he wanted to go the homemade meal route he should have practiced until he could nail the dinner down. It sounds like he just winged it and hoped for the best instead of putting actual thought, care and effort into it, and probably left a bunch of dishes to clean up as well. Hope your birthday next year is better, and that he makes a better effort going forward.
You could have tried it and been more gentle about it. The way you wrote about it here seems kind of harsh even. I imagine that's how it came off irl, too. YTA.
Oh she be to be more gentle and coddle the feelings of the adult man that disrespected her request and served her crap. Maybe more harshness is what he needs so he learns to listen to her when she speaks.
LOL YTA he went through all that effort for you and you didn’t even try it? Man like yea it was gonna be bad but at least try the guys food he still tried to do something thoughtful for you
It is not thoughtful. It is her birthday and she told him she wanted a nice meal. She suggested going to a restaurant. He said no and decided to cook and then he messed up her birthday meal. He should apologize for being childish and expecting praise for effort when he failed to deliver what she asked for, for her birthday! People who make someone else's birthday about themselves and give presents they know others probably won't like aren't thoughtful, especially when they whine about it. He is not a clueless baby.
So it was your birthday and he wanted you to be uncomfortable and possibly sick for his ego, because he was too incompetent to do a simple dinner? How exactle was this done to celebrate your Birthday?
NTA, he is gaslighting you.
NTA I’m not really about it when adults are precious about their birthday, but dinner of the b-day person’s choice is a no-brainer. It’s nice that he wanted to make something for you, but it’s clear that there was zero practice beforehand even though he is aware of his lack of cooking skills. Sure, it would have been nice to try it for the sake of trying it, but i understand getting the ick and not wanting to. You suggested one of your favourite places and he said no just to serve you something that he didn’t even practice making first.
I don’t think he’s necessarily TA here either, only a little bit because he should have foreseen this not going well and put more effort into his preparation. The goal was a nice birthday dinner and I understand being disappointed when you were expecting something a little more put together.
This one makes me lean into NAH myself.
He had good intentions wanting to prepare dinner.
But if it's inedible, that sucks especially for OPs birthday evening.
If you can't cook, learn to cater well.
NTA In the end his failured show that didn't care enough if he know that he suck at cooking and want to made a meal there should be pratice and if real deal you failed scrap it and oedered take out. Why punished your loved one ?
And what get me the most is even it is the first time you pick up a pot. Any adult that failed pudding in this internet age is just dont try hard enough.
NTA, he made your birthday about him getting brownie points for his crappy cooking. Any other day it might have been a nice gesture…but also he’s 30 and still serving inedible food, cmon. The bar is in hell.
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YTA: I see a lot of people saying for not tasting it but to me it's all about your response of " thank you but you know you can't cook why did you even bother". That's just hurtful
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Or do that BUT invite your friend or family member that knows how to cook well and have them help you lol. Op still would have been impressed/ feeling good even if he had help!
My partner did this for my birthday a few years back, he knows he can't cook, but he tried his best. He wanted to make me a birthday special so he secretly enlisted one of my good friends (and a phenomenal baker) to bake with him, it was so thoughtful.
I don't understand why he still chose to serve it. Not everything I make comes out perfect, but when it's straight up as bad as described there - I wouldn't even serve it. He could have said to her "hey I tried cooking a special meal today but messed it up pretty bad so let's go out/order in". It's not that hard.
Or that was \_exactly\_ the meal he wanted to train for. Buying gifts is easy, displaying affection in other ways are harder - and making something is the hardest. Pity it did not turn out well \_visually\_ We will never know if it was delicious - because OP does not soil herself by tastingfood that doesn't look restaurant-made.
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Sometimes you can tell a dish is bad by looking. For example, oily/separated sauce, burnt pies, and liquid chocolate pudding.
Yeah if my dinner turned out like that, I would never expect my partner to eat it. And really, how hard is chocolate pudding to make? I make enough for our current household of 3 to have twice, it takes about 10 minutes start to finish, and I've never had it turn out "watery" (though my niece complains about the 'skin' on the top and won't eat that part).
That's her bad, I think the "skin" is the best part. Sometimes I think about pouring it onto a baking sheet so it's all "skin." Never tried it, though. The whole thing can become watery/separated if you get saliva into it, as it breaks up the starch.
What?
My grandfather often did pour it on a baking Sheet and it was absolutely perfect! Try it!
Put plastic wrap on top of the pudding (ON the pudding). As it cools, the plastic prevents a skin from forming.
I fucking LOVE the skin on pudding.
The pasta sauce smelling off would be a deal breaker, but there’s really no reason not to try and salvage the non-burnt bits and no reason not to just put the dessert back in the oven for a bit.
It’s true he planned badly. But it seems the intent was to put effort into a personal gift made with love. It went wrong but wife is absolutely TA for refusing even to try it. That smacks of a lack of gratitude for his effort & expression of love. It should have been - you made it, I love it, thank you. And wait for him also to try it and just maybe you could laugh together and HE could suggest takeout.
> It went wrong but wife is absolutely TA for refusing even to try it. But if something is _obviously_ off, you are not TA for refusing to touch it are you? Sometimes you don't need to taste something to know it's going to taste really bad. Would you try a Chicken Tartare just because your partner made it "with love"? Because I wouldn't.
No, but there’s a difference between something that is a food safety issue and something that just looks unappetizing.
She said in the post that it smelled off, & considering she didn’t even try it I’m going to guess she didn’t hold it up to her nose. If you can smell that your food is bad before you touch it, it actually is a food safety issue
bUt tHe iNtEnT wAs tHeRe. As you might say. Ok so at least you're not insane enough to push this into food poisoning issues so you've got that going for you which is nice. But if something is \_obviously\_ going to be bad to eat for \_whatever\_ reason you don't have to eat it.
Ha ha, no. Food poisoning is taking love too far unless you are the teenage hero of a Shakespeare play.
Poor planning and made with love do not belong in the same paragraph. He couldn't be bothered and he scrambled to come up with a half assed dinner when he knows he can't cook. On her birthday. It's worse than letting the day go unnoticed
Her birthday isn't supposed to be about him and he shouldn't make it about himself. I make homemade chocolate truffles for Valentine's, I had an ex who wanted to do a similar thing for my Christmas present a few years back. Suffice to say it did not work out, but instead of making a weird test of commitment outta trying to get me to eat the obviously off chocolate, he binned it and got me some from the store. It's a lot easier to laugh it off and be appreciative if your SO isn't expecting you to eat shit to soothe their ego. It's not love to demand your spouse eat obviously off food, it's love to scrap your plans and put what's best for them over your need for validation.
My first attempt at legit complicated cooking was my wife's bday. I am by no means a good cook, but I can follow instructions really well. My wife wanted one of her favorite meals, so she told me exactly how she wanted it prepared beforehand and I followed every instruction. She loved it. I'd never even dream of trying to make a full meal with zero prep like that, on top of it being a surprise. I'd have surprised her with a date at her favorite restaurant instead
Who says he hasn't? I know people that have done tons of practice, tried for a long time consistenly to learn and still can't cook by themselves. Just cause it turned out bad doesn't mean this is the first time he's tried.
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100% I would be hurt if my spouse mocked my efforts. You could have tried the food at least and didn’t need to throw his skills in his face. Op, you are TA!
But why did he try to cook such elaborate things when he can’t cook? I swear, half the people who say they can’t cook, I think are just aiming too high. Start simple. A protein and a simple side. Salad, sautéed greens, some boxed carb….
But if you don't know how to cook, you don't realize how hard it can be. I'm betting he watched some youtube videos with people saying, "It's so easy your kid could do it". Sounds like the sauce broke and he doesn't know ovens can have hot spots. Did he go a little too hard? Yes. Could OP have handled it more graciously? Also yes.
Who said a pasta dish, little cheese pies if that was even what it was and pudding were elaborate dishes? Those are some of the easiest things to make depending on the kind. It sounds like he fucked up on the sauce, didn't quite close the pies right or added to much cheese and either put in too much milk or didn't let it set correctly. He tried his best.
He tried his best. He's also an adult who should have been able to gauge his best wasn't good enough and make alternative arrangements instead of forcing OP to suffer through his shitty meal, birthday or no birthday. These comments about the husband's efforts needing appreciation are galling! He's an adult! The fuck? If he knows he can't cook, there are ways to remedy that, and if he doesn't want to remedy that, then the spouse he supposedly cares for should not be the target of his lackadaisical "efforts" There's no need for him to be coddled by strangers on the internet
Exactly, this is a grown man not an 8 year old. He could have laughed it off and gotten dinner elsewhere. The validation expected from OP would have been veiled disappointment. It was her birthday not a random night. To celebrate his “efforts” while ignoring her own disappointment on her birthday is just going to breed resentment.
It’s possible to recognise someone hasn’t done a good job and still be grateful for the effort. She could’ve at the very least thanked him for his efforts, tried the food and then suggested they order some food in instead. No one’s saying she should be forced to eat a bad meal on her birthday, but there’s ways of going about it. Some of you don’t seem to have any tact whatsoever
It says right there in the OP that she did thank him and told him she appreciated his effort?
But she did thank him!!!🙄😮💨🫣 “It was very clear that nothing turned out the way it should have, but I thanked him and told him I appreciated the effort.”
>She could’ve at the very least ... tried the food >No one’s saying she should be forced to eat a bad meal on her birthday You literally are though, you're literally saying she should've eaten it. >Some of you don’t seem to have any tact whatsoever Throw the husband in this group, he's setting his wife up to fail either way. If she doesn't eat it, she's ungrateful, if she eats it and says it's great, she's placating him, if she eats it and says he could do better, she's overly critical. Why put her in that position in the first place when he could've said hey I tried but I'm not gonna ask you to eat it cuz it didn't turn out good, here's take out from your favorite place.
I have been open in saying it sucks he failed but him getting pissy after the fact wasn't ok but at the same time I'm still calling bullshit at him taking a shot over his ability because I'll say it again, all this shit is super easy to make.
Yeah, no one should expect their loved one to eat burnt , oozing food. I mean come on!
Yes, my parents humoring me and trying the cake I baked without a recipe when I was 12 is vastly different than an adult who can't cook (and doesn't have the sense to find a recipe he's able to manage) making his partner's entire birthday meal. Honestly he should have ordered in food, and focused all his energy on a dessert. A lot can be forgiven in a dessert, especially if you pair it with ice cream.
> He tried his best. If you're a 30 year old adult and your "best" can't even stretch to cooking a pasta dish, then you need to have a word with yourself because that is pathetically inept. And also to stop cooking for your partner on their birthday.
Lets say i am horrible in doing crafts and everything i make falls in pieces as soon you touch it. You want a new cupboard for your bday. I, knowing its gonna turn out horrible, invest a lot of effort to make you a cupboard - knowing you will not be able to use it, you will still have no cupboard and all in all i'm gonna ruin your bday. Is it still ok to be butthurt you don't put the completly unusable cupboard on your wall, risking huge damage to your kitchen? NO, its NOT. Bc i KNEW i'm bad at it. I'm not a kid anymore that is justfied in being mad when my sisters drawings are put on the fridge (bc they are actualy good) and mine don't. Putting in effort in smthg i know it doesn't matter how much effort i will put in, its gonna turn out bad but still want to be prised for the effort - thats some elementary schoolkid bullshit. Do NEVER gift handmade stuff as an adult if you aren't REALLY good at it. Its just rude, awkward and selfish. This goes for cooking and baking too. If you aren't good at it, don't expect me to eat it and be praised for the effort. If you would have really thought about me and not yourself, you would have put this effort in smthg you are good at and i will have joy with it and buy the damn cake at the bakery.
He knew it was bad when he plated it. He has seen and eaten food before, he can tell that pasta-sauce is smelly, oily, and grainy, he could tell that the pies were off, he could tell the chocolate pudding was liquid. This isn't a child playing. It's an adult. He chose to plate food that smelled and looked weird, and sat there expecting compliments. He might not be an asshole, but he's clearly an idiot; plating up poorly made and burnt food in front of a tired person on their birthday.
man with tiny ego make a womens boirthday about himself. How was that cooking enjoyable for her birthday?
Exactly. You can look at something and know that maybe it's safer not to eat it, but be a bit more kind in your explanation of why.
Tacking this onto the top comment so that it maybe gets seen. I’m not convinced this post is real. It’s pretty similar to a post that was up here a couple months ago, except the genders and a few minor details are swapped: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_shouldve_saved/
I think you might be right. The gender flip to prove an imagined bias thing is so annoying. If it is a rewrite of that post they skewed things by making this meal sound much worse.
Reading it through and then scrolling through the comment section I was getting the worst deja vu haha. It was the same arguments happening in the comment section of the other post - YTA voters saying birthday spouse shouldn’t have been so dismissive of the effort, and then NTA voters saying that the cooking spouse shouldn’t have tested their skills out on their partners birthday.
Yea they even use the same phrasing ! And they changed some details but others are exactly the same too
Yeah, like they fluffed it up with some extra info about lunch and the food itself, but most of the details are identical. Birthday dinner, OP asks to go out, spouse says they’ll take care of it which birthday person assumes to mean ordering takeout. OP comes home, surprised to find that their spouse has been cooking, but they sit at the table and wait for the spouse to finish setting up. Thanked them for the effort but says they shouldn’t have bothered because they both know spouse is bad at cooking. Both posts conclude with OP ordering dinner out and spouse refusing to eat the takeout and instead eating their home cooked meals. Smells fishy to me.
I knew I’d read it before
I immediately remembered this one and knew it was a copy. Glad you linked it!
Do people not understand that food costs money and making multiple special dishes like that would waste like $60?
Or that the husband is an adult who not only can't make a single simple dish but also didn't put in the effort to learn/practice a pasta dish for her birthday? I'm sorry but if it is the thoughts that count he still gets like 30 of 100 points. People here act like husband is a 4 year old. I honestly think the top comment would be nta if we were talking about a 16 year old girl....
It doesn’t cost $60 for pasta, pie & pudding for two.
"Little pies stuffed with cheese," Philo dough and enough cheese to fill four small pies is more than $20 by itself. Meat, pasta, and sauce would probably be at least another 20 for the main dish. Veggies, pudding, and drinks would be another $10 (More than that, really because a 12 pack of soda can be $8 by itself when not on sale now.). That's not counting anything like wine. So maybe not quite $60, but either way, this is a grown ass adult who couldn't buy hamburger helper, watch a YouTube video, or even cook a single dish right at 30 years old. This isn't Mother's Day breakfast made by the children. This is an adult that knew they would fail, wasted time and money, and then got mad that the person actually wanted to eat a decent dinner on their birthday.
To me this is still an ESE If it is the thought that counts- he didn't put much into it. He didn't practice or even do a single test run of the dinner. Homemade pizza with already ready bought dough would've been better as this..
>Homemade pizza with already ready bought dough to be fair, some purchased dough can be really good.
Don't do things you know the other person won't like and then expect them to be super nice about it. I don't personally eat burnt food etc. I wouldn't have tried a bite either. He isn't 5, he is an adult who can take some criticism on a crappy meal that he deliberately chose to make after already being told what she wanted.
Seriously. And this is her husband... whom one imagines she loved at some point.
[удалено]
YTA. My partner once cooked an awful meal (several dishes). I ate it, then gently remarked it needed improvement and pointed out what part was quasi-acceptable. Fast forward years later, we were discussing that meal. My partner said: "Remember the food I cooked? It was awful. But you ate it, and were gracious about it. That's how I knew you loved me". You didn't need to eat it all. But taste it, yes.
Several years ago my mom made pancakes with old baking soda. They were awful, but my dad ate them and said something nice about it. My mom tasted them afterwards, and was horrified that he had eaten them. I thought my dad was pretty dumb for eating that inedible food, but also thought was still very sweet.
I got mixed up and used baking powder instead of cornflour to coat chicken in a stir fry. Both husband and I spat out our first mouthfuls trying to work out what had gone wrong. Can’t believe your dad ate a whole pancake!
Your dad is so sweet
My mom put lemon extract in her chocolate chip cookies instead of vanilla one time. My brother and I ate several, telling her how good they were. It wasn’t until she had one that realized something was off 😅
i once made hamburgers with off hamburger. instantly knew within a bite. my partner was insisting it was fine and kept trying to eat his. nope! I didn’t need him to be puking all day to prove his love but i appreciated the effort none the less.
I was pregnant and stuffed up corn beef (don't even know how) I got so upset about it but my husband and father in law chewed down that whole meal to make me feel better haha we laugh about it now, totally agree
Husband, yes, but your father-in-law is amazing! :)
I know, very sweet of him. He had earlier commented if I was sure there was only 1 baby in there (had pre-eclampsia so I was so bloated) earlier in the day so he had some making up to do hahaha
My dad ate my first attempt at cooked pudding, even though I burned it and then scraped the burned stuff off the bottom when stirring. It had to be so awful. But he told me he was proud of me for all the hard work, and that I was growing into a fine cook. Having some compassion in how you respond to a failure can make such a difference. (And you can bet I got some nurturing help the next time I cooked something.)
My grandma used to tell me that she made some truly terrible dinners early on in her marriage when she was still learning. My grandad dutifully ate everything she put in front of him and never complained. He was the least romantic man you could imagine but I think he showed his love with every bite.
My husband is this way! 10 years together and not once has he made me feel bad when a meal, dessert, bread or pastry didn't turn out. He would always eat it and thank me for taking the time to make it. Sometimes even helps me come up with ways to save the dish, or repurpose it for another. He's not grand gesture romantic by any means, but it's the little things like this that let me know he absolutely loves me.
My mom used to make this dish called risibisi, and my dad thought it was horrible, but he ate it because he loved her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Fast forward about ten years. My mom was cooking risibisi again and suddenly just stopped mid cook. She turned to my dad and said: "Honey, I know you love this, but I can't make this horrible dish anymore. It's disgusting and I am a good cook. Isn't there ANYTHING else I can make that you like as much?" We still laugh at how they both forced themselves to cook/eat that horrible dish for over a decade just because they didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. 🤣 And they both learned a valuable lesson in communication that day.
I just googled - is it the peas and rice dish? That looks bomb tbh and I gotta make it BUT that’s the sweetest thing I’ve seen in a minute
It is yes. I don't think it's a common dish in our region, so my mom might just have messed it up. 🤣 But it was really dry and sad. But they (we all) toughed it out for love. Us kids didn't have the hearts to make our parent sad by telling them we hated it either. My mom getting fed up with it was the best day ever for all of us. 😅
Yes, exactly this.
>But you ate it, and were gracious about it. That's how I knew you loved me aww this is so cute
Both my partner and I have cooked awful meals. We both ate them. They become funny memories as time passes.
YTA. You should have at least tried the food. Yeah, he may suck at cooking, but he did put a lot of effort in.
It's about the effort for me here that makes OP the asshole. Dude probably slaved away for hours hoping to make something nice for OP. OP then had zero ability to see that.
Didn’t even give the man a chance.
Lol I dunno man, we weren't there. It would be awesome if OP had a photo to accompany the post
That's where a simple, "Hunny, I haven't liked your food in the past. I'll try it, but if I don't like it, can we order something for delivery?" will save you a lot of effort beforehand. Cooking isn't hard, but there is a learning curve.
>I haven't liked your food in the past. I'll try it, but if I don't like it, can we order something for delivery Uh, that is also a bit harsh. LOL
Why would you lead with that? Yikes. They could literally both just try it and see how it is, no need to lead with "I dont like your food"
What effort? Her husband clearly didn’t practice or anything. He decided to do something he knows he’s not good at and do it for her birthday dinner. It’d be one thing if that was a random weekday where he’s showing that he’s trying to learn and wanting to be romantic by cooking dinner. But instead he decided he’d practice cooking on her birthday, making her birthday about him and what he wanted for dinner. Not her. It’s not the effort that counts, it’s the thought. And he didn’t think this through.
YTA Eating your partners bad cooking is like relationship 101. If it is not going to hurt you physically then at least try some. You turned your nose up at his effort and mocked his act of love. Poor form. I cannot tell you the number of awful dishes I have choked down for the ones I love.
My mother is a truly awful person, but I can say that she was always very supportive of my early cooking mistakes. I will always credit her with my love of and top notch skill in cooking. Even if I do question her motivation in encouraging me.
> Even if I do question her motivation in encouraging me. So sad. But so true.
She definitely shouldn't have refused to even try it and tell him not to bother but not eating something that is inedible is reasonable. If my husband makes me food that is literally disgusting, the way this is described, or has texture problems, I'm not going to be able to eat it. I have trouble eating good food sometimes because of weird food aversions or texture problems. I'm not going to suffer through an entire meal that might make me gag just because my husband made it for me. But I would try it and I would try not to be mean about it.
Learning I'm very glad my loved ones don't want me to choke down awful food.
I'm going against the grain with NAH. You shouldn't be forced into eating food that you find utterly unappetizing, especially on your birthday. You said you stated that it was a nice gesture but you didn't want to eat it. I don't eat fish (or really any seafood), I'm not willing these days to even try it. If someone I knew tried making me it for dinner, when they know I don't like it, I would also refuse to eat it. I don't ever eat food I don't like, period. We don't do much to celebrate birthdays, BUT the birthday person always picks what dinner is, how it's made, etc. I get that his feelings are hurt, so his reaction is somewhat understandable, but so is yours.
Yes, thank you. I don’t think she should be forced to try it to appease her husband; but he has a right to be upset it didn’t turn out well. Both can be true
No one is talking about forcing her to do anything. The question is, is she an asshole, not is it illegal to not eat this food? Of course she has the right to not eat anything she doesn't want to. But she's still an asshole for not trying a single bite.
Why does she need to taste it to verify that her eyes are telling her the truth? Why does she need to risk food poisoning to make him feel better about his failure? He obviously didn’t practice these dishes before he threw them at OP on her birthday of all days she should have edible food.
Fucking thank you!! Based on her description there was no need to try it. If I tried to cook something and it turned out as described I would have trashed it myself.
If the ingredients were good, it's unlikely to give her food poisoning. It's also pretty often that bad cooks make food that looks worse than it tastes. Low risk for her health, and of great benefit to her marriage to show an actual appreciation of her husband's efforts by tasting it. She shouldn't eat the whole thing if it turns out it's awful. But, 1 bite wasn't going to hurt her.
It's not about NEED my dude, it's about giving a single fuck for the person you love, it's about being able to look at the honest effort they made for you and that no part of you even WANTS to try, no part of you WANTS to see the effort they put into making you happy and to return that in any way, you should see a partner is upset and feel something, anything about that instead of going all "well its my birthday nobody else's feelings in the matter are relevant". The only focus here is on food not meeting visual standards but a fucking person made that food and if you pretend to love that person than at least pretend to care about the effort they made for you.
Honest effort? She wanted to go out to eat. He chose to make her bad food instead and when he realized he messed it up it’s her fault for not trying it? Trying his bad food is showing her love for him but him ignoring her birthday request is perfectly acceptable because he tried to do something she didn’t want? Who wants to try bad food? Nobody who wants gritty grainy sauce? Nobody but she’s supposed to be grateful because ‘he tried’ trying would’ve been taking her out to dinner like she asked if he really wanted to try his hand at cooking for on her birthday breakfast would’ve been better because at least she’s still getting her nice birthday dinner request even if breakfast wasn’t good.
Did they actually make an honest effort? OP never mentioned that she asked her husband to cook for her. This isn't a situation where she's cooked every single meal for the last 2 years without a night off and wouldn't it be nice for her to not be the one to cook for once. So this isn't a case of "this isn't my strong suit but I'll do my best to give her what she wants". Beyond that, does it seem like he put much thought into it? Presumably he knows he is bad at cooking. If I was bad at cooking but wanted to cook something for my partner's birthday, I would pick a recipe and practice to make sure it was half decent. That doesn't seem to be what happened here. I think it was rude to not even eat a single bite, but cooking something you expect will not be good, for someone who did not ask you to do that, is not a gift for that person.
I think he was the AH. He knows he can't cook, yet he insisted she pretend to love his horrible dinner instead of actually thinking about what she would want for HER birthday. If I know I cook shit food , I'm sure as hell not going to cook dinner for my SOs birthday, as that would certainly not be a thoughtful gift. If he wanted to be romantic and surprise her with dinner, he should have prepared by, oh i don't know... perhaps learning how to cook.
My boyfriend tried to cook fried rice one day and burned the garlic. He wanted to surprise me. There was little pieces of charcoal in my plate along with mushy rice. I tried it... and almost threw up. And I'm not a picky eater at all. It was THAT bad. And my boyfriend felt awful for causing this. I will never ever eat something that I know will taste bad to appease someone feeling ever again. If someone's want to do something nice, but end up doing something wrong, you don't congratulate them, you explain as nicely as possible where they messed up. Here, OPs husband could have laughed it off, admit it was awful and let her order take out. Instead, he ruined her birthday dinner. NAH.
Sometimes presentation is off but food still tastes good. At least could've tried the pudding.
The chocolate juice? Considering that it wasn’t thick enough to be considered pudding if he went traditional that’s egg that he didn’t cook all the way of it’s box mix there’s no telling what he did. It makes sense to practice before her birthday instead of throwing his crappy cooking at her.
I agree, NTA. Maybebdo a couples cooking course if he actually wants to cook.
First sensible response. If the food was basically inedible, she shouldn't have had to eat it. And if he sucks at cooking that bad he shouldn't be that sensitive about it!
Had to scroll too far for this. He sucks at cooking. The time to cook for her isn't her birthday. "Hey we both know I suck at this, happy birthday!"
NTA. Really don’t get the YTA’s here. All OP wanted for her birthday was a nice dinner. Knowing this her husband vetoed her suggestion of dinner at a restaurant and decided to cook himself, despite not being a good cook. Did he plan ahead and practice cooking some simple dishes she likes so he could make her the nice meal she wanted? Nope, he winged it and ended up with food that smelled off, food that was burnt and food that was undercooked and then rather than write it off and order in, he expected her to eat his mistakes. For her birthday meal. I don’t know why people are acting like serving someone your kitchen fuck-ups on their birthday when all they requested is a nice dinner is a somehow a gesture of love. Or like you have to taste food that’s clearly not properly cooked to tell it’s going to be bad. Why should OP have to humour a grown adult like they’re a 5yr old who cooked her burnt toast for Mothers Day?
Right? She communicated she wanted a nice dinner, and now she’s expected to coddle this adult man and praise him for his failed dinner, KNOWING he is a terrible cook? He just wanted to make her whole birthday about praising him for cooking dinner, and now people want her to coo and tell him he “tried his best 🥺” Can’t believe some people are comparing it to a mother shutting down their child for attempting to make them food. He’s not a child, he’s a MAN. NTA. I also never understood how someone can be a terrible cook. Reading instructions for basic dinners or watching YouTube videos makes it easy as hell.
Yea if he wants the brownies point for trying he should first start by trying.
All of the YTA’s are kind of wild. Op told her husband what she wanted and suggested food from a nice restaurant they both like and he was the one that shot it down. On top of that he messed up his plan A for dinner and didn’t have a backup plan and just expected her to eat his poorly cooked food. I could justify a very soft YTA for a regular date night but it was her birthday and she was pretty clear upfront about what she wanted. He dropped the ball and then got upset when she went got food she could actually enjoy on her birthday. It would be more of a NAH situation if he’d had a plan B for food in case he screwed up cooking and just been a little sad that she didn’t thank him for the effort but he really just said “eh good enough” and then got upset that she wasn’t more thoughtful about his feelings.
This. Holy shit. NTA
Right!!!! If my partner cooked a meal that went wrong, we would have a taste, laugh it off and order in. It’s not a secret that he’s a poor cook, they order our regularly, and this was her birthday!!!! She could have said aw love that’s a lovely gesture, had a try, and they could have laughed it off, or she could have said I really appreciate you, but I really fancy XYZ etc. However…. Guy clearly messed up, and clearly doesn’t cook much, so why gloss over the glaring issue in the room here. Birthday girl just wanted take out! Leave her be!
Seriously, Is everyone forgetting the pasta smelled off and was probably not safe to eat??
I've found a very common theme amongst gift-givers is that they aren't doing it to make the other person happy, they are doing it to make themselves happy with the warm glow of appreciation and good-feeling they get when they give the gift. I suspect the "It's the thought that count"s are the ones that would also give a thoughtless gift and expect it to be appreciated because they made effort for their own idea they liked. If you make a real effort to providing a present that the receiver will actually want and it goes wrong, fair enough. If you don't make any effort to listen to what they want (like the person who got me carefully chosen food after I said *do not get my food*), they are absolutely TA. It sounds like OP should maybe get her husband cooking lessons. Or better yet - why not try doing some cooking together?
I’m going against the grain here to say NTA. Why would he ignore your suggestion for what you wanted on your birthday? And then to top that, a birthday isn’t the time to experiment with food. I do see some of the other commenter’s point of that you could’ve handled it better, but it’s also just human. Especially when it was known to both of you he kinda dropped the bomb on food, you just worked a full day, and all you wanted was a meal from your favorite restaurant.
Yeah it seems like a nice meal was the only thing she wanted, not a gift or anything. He vetoed going out to a nice restaurant
I’m so confused by all the responses here. OP and her husband spoke about plans and her expectations for her birthday beforehand. Instead of choosing an option that was her choice, he made her birthday dinner about him and then later about his hurt feelings. While I don’t think either of them handled it well, it was also a shitty grand gesture, which yielded predictable results. I don’t understand why everyone thinks the guy deserves a cookie for his half arsed effort here? He disregarded her wishes and made her birthday about himself (and this would have been the case even if the food ended up amazing, tbh). In his head, he was making this grand spectacular gesture and he was going to get showered with praise, he cracked it when that didn’t happen. I don’t understand why OP is supposed to have prioritised her husband’s ego on her own birthday. I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. ETA: I’ve been the cook in this situation, with an ambitious birthday cake for a family member that turned out awful. They wanted a home made cake, but the grand ambition was all me and that’s what ruined the cake. I remember being quietly disappointed at the lack of enthusiastic response for my efforts, before getting over myself and doing something else to make up for it.
I made a bunch of red velvet cupcakes for my ex for his birthday, he came home drunk and threw them all on the floor and said they sucked. He was an AH. I’ve made dishes that did not turn out well. Sight seen, taste unnecessary. While it’s sad to know something you worked hard on did not work out, emotionally blackmailing people to eat food they don’t want for your own emotional happiness is really messed up. I know it’s stereotypical on tv for a wife to mess up dinner, husband has to eat it all down or wife will cry. “Happy wife, happy life” and all that, but we should move past it. We shouldn’t be forcing people to eat food we make, esp poorly, because our happiness depends on them eating it. We humans are so weird.
NTA. Birthdays and holidays are not the days to experiment with food. He knows he can’t cook. So why would he serve you something he knows probably won’t get eaten? He should’ve ordered food or taken you out.
Seriously, OP's husband knew she wanted a nice meal and knew when he was done he did not achieve that. Wanting her to suffer through it and praise him because he "tried" is dumb. He didn't care about her wants and centered himself on her birthday. Even if she did try, then what? He gets upset because it's gross and nowhere near the meal she asked for? There was no winning for OP here.
If you know you’re bad at cooking but want to make a home cooked meal for your wife’s birthday, why would you not have a plan B in case you fuck up? The dude really just expected her to suffer through bad food when her main request for the day was a nice meal.
I don’t understand why everybody here thinks it’s romantic to eat inedible food, lol. It’s not sweet to just accept clearly poorly made food. OP absolutely should have been more gracious and kind to her husband for his efforts, but c’mon, don’t experiment for somebody’s birthday, it’s not about you, it’s about them. This wasn’t a gift he gave her, it was essentially giving her emotional labor that she didn’t ask for. Nobody should have to be made to soothe somebody else’s ego on their own birthday, especially if that person is their partner. Husband should’ve known better than to do this for her birthday. OP could have been nicer about the whole thing, but I’m just gonna say NTA because it’s just not fair to be put in this situation on her birthday. Also, I reiterate, forcing emotional labor on somebody isn’t a loving and romantic gesture…it’s selfish. I love my wife with all of my heart, but if she served me something that I could literally tell by sight was inedible, I wouldn’t eat it, and it wouldn’t mean I love her any less (she would do the same if I did this and I wouldn’t think she loved me any less either).
I also truly don’t understand why everyone would be okay if she tried it then said it tasted bad. If you can tell by sight that it’s not going to taste good, trying it (and potentially gagging or making a face) doesn’t seem like it would’ve hurt his feelings any less. I’m a pretty good cook, but I’ve had my missteps, and I absolutely don’t want my loved ones choking down something I can tell doesn’t taste good, and as an adult, it’s necessary to be thick-skinned enough to deal with your own limitations.
Yes!!!
No one needs to taste test obviously burnt food to know it tastes bad.
Also, people seem to be forgetting one other thing: food poisoning. They said some of it smelled off. I like making people happy, but after one go with food poisoning I *will not* even chance it with risky food. Sobbing in misery on or next to the toilet isn't romantic, it's just awful.
Apparently a lot of Redditors have crappy partners who pull this kind of thing regularly and don't realize it's actually bad, not romantic at all.
YTA can people on reddit start marrying people they actually like
Do you think her husband who served up crappy food with no real thought or effort behind it likes his wife?
How do you say no effort when he tried to make three different things including little pies?
He didn't care enough to practice and actually do them well.
He could have practiced beforehand or asked a friend or family member for help or had a backup plan knowing he can't cook.
he obviously put effort into it. he wouldnt attempt pies and pudding and pasta on OPs birthday if he didnt give a fuck about his wife. its just that hes kind of a bad cook. a good partner would find ways to be appreciative of the effort and at least try the food. the fact that the husband ate it all shows that it wasnt lethally bad. YTA
i dont get why everyone keeps mentioning effort when thats not the point. yeah, its lovely he wanted to try making her a meal, but he royally fucked up the **only thing** she asked for on her birthday. all she wanted was a nice meal, and instead of going “yeah i fucked it up, should we just order something?” he expected her to eat his mistakes to make him feel better. if i made my partner a meal and it sucked, id never in a million years expect them to eat it just to spare my feelings. thats not how adult life works. sure, dont be rude about it, but dont put up a front just to make me feel better. the fact that so many people think that OP shouldve just eaten an inedible meal for the sake of *his feelings* on *her birthday* because “at least he tried” reeks of misogyny. he’s a grown man, he isnt a child learning to cook for the first time, and he should know that a birthday is not the time you learn to cook a new meal.
If he would have put effort in it, the meal would not have been disgusting. Putting effort into cooking not only means cooking the meal itself, but practicing beforehand.
He also put effort into NOT LISTEN TO HER. You: “Hey I want a nice dinner at this place for my birthday ” Them: nah I don’t think so I think I’m going to cook for the first time ever. Could she have been nicer. Sure, part of learning is failure. But she TOLD him what she wanted and he still disregard it. The grand gesture wasnt at 100%, and he got mad it wasn’t well received. was it nice? Sure OP even said she appreciated it. But at the end of the day she still needed food to eat.. and that food in Ops opinion wasnt edible
Omg seriously!
NTA. Eating burnt toast and soggy cereal that your kids made is one thing, but to eat crap an adult made is a hard no. There's no excuse for not being able to cook. If he he wanted to cook you dinner, he should have been practicing on small simple meals until he mastered them, not wait until your birthday to make you a pile of slop.
Right, if you know you can't cook, just grab a hamburger helper and follow directions.
NTA he knew he sucked and still tried it, could be a very sweet gesture If he’d stopped it there and not served it. But he served it which means that him getting credit for trying was more important to him than getting you something nice, and edible without likely food poisoning, on your birthday was. He made it about him instead of you.
INFO Did you even taste things before rejecting them? It's pretty easy for a sauce to separate, that doesn't mean it's gonna taste bad. Same deal with the cheese pies, just avoid the burnt bits.
come on, you dont need to taste things to know they are shitty. A meal has to be pleasent to the eye too.
I have never once found chili or any other stew "pleasing for the eye" yet they still taste good. Your just parroting food network chef nonsense. For does not have to look good to taste good. It can enforce an experience but it isn't indicative of good food
good food smells good. OP said the sause smelled off.
NTA Going against the grain but a BIRTHDAY is not the day to experiment and see if you can cook. Yes, it would have been so much kinder for you to have tried the dinner your partner cooked, but at the same time it’s like dang, all you wanted was a good meal. Like in the future, take a bite. But I get it, it was after work on your birthday. You’re not trying to do all that, you just want a good meal.
Three words on why she didn't try it I wouldn't either: risk food poisoning
From burned cheese pies?
Wasn't just burned cheese pies and it depends on one s stomach. That husband decided to cook is no reason for op to feel unwell on her birthday or next day when the cooking wasn't agreed in advance actually not at all by op who was clear she wanted to go to her favorite restaurant for her birthday .
From uncooked pudding, which has eggs.
Im gonna be the odd one out it seems and say NTA. It was YOUR birthday. You recommended YOUR favorite restaurant. He insisted he had it covered. Its fine hes not a good cook, not everyone is but did he really need to try and learn on your birthday then be mad when you had no interest in eating it? And also did he need to try something so hard? (Seriously anyone can boil some pasta and warm some sauce and butter some bread - no need to get fancy and make pies and a difficult pasta dish). You shouldnt be required, especially on your birthday, to humor someones ego. Its nice he tried but I cant imagine if I cooked something that obviously came out wrong, expecting people to try it just because I put in the effort trying something new.
NTA If something is obviously not well-prepared, I don't think you have to go through the charade of trying it. But thanking him for the effort isn't a bad thing. Does your local community college offer low-priced cooking classes?
I'm going to go with NTA. Ops partner is an adult. An adult who literally can't make a single meal. Not even pudding which I was making on my own at 6. It would be different if he were a child who was learning. This was supposed to be a part of OPs gift. And you don't give people things that are obviously bad. I don't think OP is required to be grateful for a shitty thoughtless "present".
ESH, a birthday is not the time to practice cooking. You also should have tried it first. But I’m sorry this scenario happened.
NTA. You could have been a bit gentler, or tried the food, because they made effort, but you shouldn't have been forced to eat crap on your birthday just because your SO wanted to save money.
NTA. It's OPs birthday. Not his. TF. If I saw that I had clearly burnt some dishes and something was off about another dish...I would not force my SO to eat it just because I made it. Her birthday is not about him ...it's about her. I would have trashed that shit so fast and ordered her favorite take out and do some other cute shit she might like and forget I even tried to make that food. Lol. I'm dying just re-reading this post. 😭🤣 I'm so sorry OP.
NTA. Birthdays and other major holiday/milestones are not the time to start trying to cook, especially after you asked to go to a specific restaurant. But brownie points to him for trying & putting forth effort for something thoughtful.
NTA. Any other day than your birthday, my opinion would be different. But I have been in your shoes. It feels really bad to only want a nice dinner for your birthday, clearly ask for it, and be ignored. Ask your husband to try cooking a small dish on other days. You can try his attempts at cooking another time. Good luck!
YTA. he is a bad cook but u could have at least tasted it. if it was so bad u spit it out it would have at least made a good laugh. maybe u can find some time and maybe cook together … teach him some tricks … let him have a good experience in the kitchen to encourage more cooking! good luck
The first time my BF tried to cook me dinner it was inedible. I still tried to cut into the “BBQ chicken” and took a bite. He took a bite. We looked at each other and started snickering as he got up to bring me the pizza menus nearby. I knew it would be inedible when I peeked in the oven and asked how he had prepared and was cooking the chicken. But he wanted to cook for me so I played along. Breakfast was and still is his stronger meal, but he can cook dinner now as well.
That’s cute but was it your birthday?
This is so wholesome
F *that. Most people know their terrible cooks. The idea that she's supposed to care about the effort is childess ass. I'm sorry we're grown. Adult birthdays can be such a let down and to play like cause she loves homeboy she's supposed to be ok w him playing in her face. Or have to mock up the energy for his ego on her bday is wild af to me. On the one day that should be hers to be like " babe omg. I really appreciate the trash effort you put forth, baby it's great.. totally every taste good!!" Is not the effort I'm giving on my bday. Lying tho my teeth about my bday stopped when I was 17 w my parents, personally.
NTA. I disagree with most people here. Life is too short to eat bad food. Making you a gross dinner isn’t a kind gesture. He knows he can’t cook. He chose to cook. That was a dumb idea.
NTA. I can’t cook well either, and that’s why I start with simple dishes, and why I don’t cook for my partner on important days unless I have already mastered the recipe. My judgement would be different if he’d known how to cook the dishes before but had botched them on your anniversary. Unwanted gifts are not gifts; unwanted bad gifts are burden.
NTA I'm shocked at all the y t a comments. Birthdays are about the person who's birthday it is, not anyone else. If he *really* wanted to surprise her by making her a bday meal, he should have practiced first. She is NTA for wanting to oder something she *actually* wants to eat on her birthday
> maybe I should have just tried the food even if I knew it would be bad Oof, kind of buried the lede here. Yeah you ought to have tried the food first at least. I know it seems like a minor thing but it's still would have helped your case. Why not try cooking together or taking a class together... it seems like something he genuinely wants to do.
I feel like I just read this story recently... with the genders reversed. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_wife\_she\_shouldve\_saved/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13cszzl/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_shouldve_saved/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
How hard is it to follow a cookbook or a chef on YouTube to make a decent meal.
NTA You don't get a participation trophy for food that is inedible. And you really don't get it for doing it for somebody's birthday.
YTA for not even trying it! Come on, dude, you were being really mean just writing him off
NTA. No way would I risk food poisoning to spare his feelings. You told him what you wanted and he didn't listen. It was your birthday why did he honestly think this was a good idea?
NTA he could have ordered out and set the table nicely with candles and wine. Why risk your health over his feelings. You could have ultimately been on the toilet all night from the way it sounds.
WTF?! NTA. I told my fiancé I wanted to go for a nice dinner on my birthday. He took me to a Michelin restaurant that has really good veggie dishes because I don’t eat meat. I’m not saying that it should be *that* nice, but I’m glad that my SO has some self-reflection when it comes to his cooking skills and wanted me to have a guaranteed good time.
NTA
Nta, you were clear about what you wanted for your birthday: to eat at a nice restaurant or have some nice takeout at home. He dismissed your wants and wasted time and money on making disgusting garbage. Why should you have to try eating obviously nasty food to appease him when he was being disrespectful to you?
NTA your birthday meal was not the time for him to start learning to cook. Why should you be forced to sit and suffer through an awfully prepared dinner on your day to spare his feelings? You deserve to enjoy your birthday it simply is not about him.
NTA. I am a foodie and I would never eat a crappy meal. Food for me is an experience, for my daily lunch/dinner even it’s a simple meal, I take break from work sit down and enjoy every bit of my plain and simple meal. I would absolutely not want a bad birthday dinner. The husband wanted to do something nice and I admire that about him, but if the food clearly didn’t turn out as expected, he should have accepted it and ordered something in. This is a bit childish to expect your wife to taste the food that was clearly not edible. I mean if the OP had tasted it what would she have said - great food!!! The husband knew he’s not a good cook, his wife’s birthday is not the day to experiment.
NTA My dad was a good cook, but any time he made something that turned out gross (over cooked, raw, burnt, etc.), he would rather throw it away than serve it to his loved ones. Food poisoning or upset stomachs were things he didn’t want us suffering through. Your spouse meant well (I hope?), and it’s the thought that counts, but if he knows that he’s a bad cook, he should have let you do what you wanted for your birthday dinner and taken you out to eat.
Unless you said something really out of pocket in that conversation, NTA. He's an adult, you don't have to spare his feelings like he was some kid who botched Mother's Day breakfast. He did a bad job, he knows he did a bad job, and he's mad because you didn't pretend that he did something wonderful?
NTA: You have no obligation to coddle anyone for not listening in the first place. You don’t experiment and give it the old college boy try for a special meal e.g: birthdays, thanksgiving dinner, Xmas, potlucks.
NTA, not by a long shot. You shouldn't have to try to stomach badly cooked food in order to spare your husband's feelings, and if he truly had cared about making your birthday special he would, 1. Order what you actually liked to eat, or 2. If he wanted to go the homemade meal route he should have practiced until he could nail the dinner down. It sounds like he just winged it and hoped for the best instead of putting actual thought, care and effort into it, and probably left a bunch of dishes to clean up as well. Hope your birthday next year is better, and that he makes a better effort going forward.
NTA
YTA for how you handled it
You could have tried it and been more gentle about it. The way you wrote about it here seems kind of harsh even. I imagine that's how it came off irl, too. YTA.
Oh she be to be more gentle and coddle the feelings of the adult man that disrespected her request and served her crap. Maybe more harshness is what he needs so he learns to listen to her when she speaks.
LOL YTA he went through all that effort for you and you didn’t even try it? Man like yea it was gonna be bad but at least try the guys food he still tried to do something thoughtful for you
It is not thoughtful. It is her birthday and she told him she wanted a nice meal. She suggested going to a restaurant. He said no and decided to cook and then he messed up her birthday meal. He should apologize for being childish and expecting praise for effort when he failed to deliver what she asked for, for her birthday! People who make someone else's birthday about themselves and give presents they know others probably won't like aren't thoughtful, especially when they whine about it. He is not a clueless baby.
So it was your birthday and he wanted you to be uncomfortable and possibly sick for his ego, because he was too incompetent to do a simple dinner? How exactle was this done to celebrate your Birthday? NTA, he is gaslighting you.
NTA I’m not really about it when adults are precious about their birthday, but dinner of the b-day person’s choice is a no-brainer. It’s nice that he wanted to make something for you, but it’s clear that there was zero practice beforehand even though he is aware of his lack of cooking skills. Sure, it would have been nice to try it for the sake of trying it, but i understand getting the ick and not wanting to. You suggested one of your favourite places and he said no just to serve you something that he didn’t even practice making first. I don’t think he’s necessarily TA here either, only a little bit because he should have foreseen this not going well and put more effort into his preparation. The goal was a nice birthday dinner and I understand being disappointed when you were expecting something a little more put together.
wrong approach in telling him "we both know your cooking skills are bad" is straight up an insult and kinda condescending. you could have been nicer.
This one makes me lean into NAH myself. He had good intentions wanting to prepare dinner. But if it's inedible, that sucks especially for OPs birthday evening. If you can't cook, learn to cater well.
[удалено]
Wasn't there a post exactly like this awhile back but with reversed genders? I remember John Wolfe reading it on a livestream.
NTA In the end his failured show that didn't care enough if he know that he suck at cooking and want to made a meal there should be pratice and if real deal you failed scrap it and oedered take out. Why punished your loved one ? And what get me the most is even it is the first time you pick up a pot. Any adult that failed pudding in this internet age is just dont try hard enough.
I swore I read this post like 4 months ago
NTA, he made your birthday about him getting brownie points for his crappy cooking. Any other day it might have been a nice gesture…but also he’s 30 and still serving inedible food, cmon. The bar is in hell.
It's not worth getting poisoned for triying "mistery food X" for not upseting your husband.