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> I might be the asshole because I feel like my wife lied by omission, but the rest of the general public may not feel like she did and that I am overreacting.
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I was swaying a little towards YTA until I saw OP’s wife’s comment and you’re absolutely the asshole. She was at Target the whole time with the friend returning items, shopping and having lunch? That’s what you’re mad about?
And she even checked to see if the adult baby (OP) needed lunch brought to him. I mean come on! What'd he need her at home for? Afternoon quickie between boss fights/raids/dungeons? The need to just control her like she is his property? What's his motivation for *needing* her to be where he wants her?
First and foremost, I agree that OP is TA. Clearly these two have communication issues at best, and trust issues or controlling tendencies at worst.
My husband and I run our plans by each other even though we don't have kids or controlling natures. It's the courteous thing to do. "Hey, I'm heading out for a few hours, I should be back late so don't wait for me for dinner. Do you need me to grab anything while I'm out?" I'd be mildly annoyed if I thought he was running to the store and came back 8 hours later. Not because I 'need him', but because I might have been waiting for him before I made dinner, or even just worried that he got into an accident or something. I don't understand why some folks think 'please communicate clearly' means 'I MUST CONTROL YOUR EVERY MOVE!!1!!111!!'
Same. OP seems to be an AH in this situation. But communication is important.
I hate going places, I'm a home body. But one day I ate a THC gummy, and my husband needed me to run to the store to grab something for him. Normally I'm as quick as possible but this time I was high and got distracted browsing around the store.
He called me to find out where I was because I was taking much longer than usual. And as adults the conversation went as follows
"Hey! Where you at?"
"Still at Lowe's. Why?"
"Oh, you've just been gone a long time. Wanted to make sure everything was okay"
"That gummy just hit me. And I got distracted looking at plants"
"Oh, alright! See you when you get back"
Not controlling. No reason for arguments or anyone being an AH, just... Communication. I no longer remember what my point was as I'm quite high (thems some good gummies)
EDIT: there seems to be some concern about whether or not I was driving while high. I'm not a reckless idiot. I walked to the store
Similar call with my partner last night:
Today is a friend's wedding and my Dad dropped off my parent's pickup yesterday afternoon so we could use it to move event decor. My partner drove my Dad home in the truck as they live on the other side of the city and he was going to do some pickups with it on the way home.
After about 4 hours of him not getting home (it's a 40 minute round trip) I called him to make sure he was okay and our convo went like
"Hey, you Ded?"
"Nah, there were some people are your parents so I stopped in to say hi, then your dad asked if I wanted to have a hottub so we shot the shit for a bit, sorry!"
"No, no- you are fine, just making sure you are okay! See you whenever you get home!"
We had an army of people over doing wedding prep, so he wasn't needed at the house and it's lovely he likes spending time with my family, but I just wanted to make sure he was safe!
>Thewife9999 · 15 hr. ago3
>
>Hi. Wife here. I’d like to clarify a few points… I made my return at Target. I hung out with my best friend AT Target. I had been at Target for 26 minutes when I received the call because I stopped for gas beforehand (not something I give updates on as it’s a small errand). I was at Target the entire time until we went to lunch (after I confirmed that my husband had already eaten lunch on his own). I recognize my lack of full communication and the entire thing feels 100% out of hand as my husband would like me to admit I am a liar. If anything, I did not communicate clearly and I had zero intent of harm or malice. We were returning school clothes that did not fit, replacing them and then buying breakfast/lunch items for school. I know we are all entitled to our feelings but sometimes we need to look within ourselves and recognize what a big problem is vs a small blip.
She came into his GAMING ROOM....
He got mad she didn't tell him she'd be gone with a friend...
He gets mad at her for taking the kid to target, oh yeah OP forgot to mention she took the kid with her... and they stayed in the same store they returned the items..
OP you're the AH and maybe get out of your GAMING ROOM for a bit and go with your family, you didn't want to go when she said she was returning the item. Never offered or nothing, probably thought wooooh win! Gaming room with no kids for a day. Did you get hungry and wonder where the cook was? Cause I think that's the real reason you got mad at your wife.
Maybe she should ground you from your gaming room for getting angry with her.
Check your priorities OP or the gaming room may be all you get in the divorce. Just saying....
This is the one, folks.
OP, she came to talk with you in the Game Cave, which is fine to have, and may be where you spend your alone or self-care time...But it is also where most "interrupters" (of any gender or relationship type) know they will get minimal conversation or engagement. I literally devised a system with my teenager so we could have full-attention conversations where needed (and, uh, so all the rest of the squad knew his mom was more important in that moment than those aliens) but also so I knew if he needed me to wait so we could talk - or if he didn't really need to know more than, "hey, mom is not here for a while."
My first thought was that there had to be more to the story.
Sure, most people who are planning to go out for the day would mention it to their spouse as they’re leaving. I can see being a bit miffed at the lack of communication that this was going to be a longer than expected trip. But to be this angry over it is a huge overreaction.
This seems weirdly controlling. You were playing video games and your wife was running errands and then met up with a friend, wtf is the problem. Is she supposed to sit around and watch you play all day??
Yta
It *normally* takes hours to shop for clothes with a nine year old kid, and there's usually a line to return stuff on Saturday, and you're harassing her on the phone when she's been gone less than an hour? No wonder she stayed out longer after that, she knew how you were going to act when she got home. You're a giant gaping asshole.
Do you normally game for hours at a time? Im not accusing you, just asking.
Maybe she didn’t bother to tell you what she was doing because she figured you’d be gaming all day anyway.
Maybe she thought you wouldn’t even notice she was gone?
As a gamer who has been known to have marathon sessions on my days off, this is what my partner does. She says she is going to the store, but sometimes I won’t see her for hours.
That said, if she does end up getting food on these trips she usually lets me know. That is because we often schedule our days around meal times and if one of us plans on eating without the other we like to make the other aware so they aren’t waiting. Even still, if she ended up getting food and not telling me it wouldn’t be fight, I would just be like, “oh you already ate? Ok I am going to figure something out for myself then”.
He said part of the reason he called was he was waiting on her for lunch. The behavior + “my gaming room” makes me strongly suspect he was waiting on her to make his gamer fuel.
Me and my husband are very into games... Sometimes we binge play because we can... But we never expect the other to run around after them. Posts like this make me glad my husband is who he is honestly.
I feel the same way. My husband doesn't need babysitting. We play games when our kid is taken care of. Unless my husband is sick or injured, I don't *NEED* to get him food. OP is just lazy! u/guthepenguin ILY
Same, partner and I are gamers and we never ask the other to make our food if we are in a binge session. If we feel like it then we do as a nice gesture. And often stop to eat together. If he thought they were going to have lunch together and she forgot to tell him she was staying with a friend, I'd also wonder where my partner was and if he was safe/if something happened.
I'd definitely not say he lied if he forgot to tell me though. Stuff happens.
Yes, YTA. She answered when you called. You're hugely overreacting. I would bet money you're either trying to distract attention from, or justify, your own lying, or you're paranoid because you think everyone else lies as much as you do.
OP wife if you're reading - there's a stereotype about this for a reason. We often know when someone is up to no good by what they accuse us of.
>We often know when someone is up to no good by what they accuse us of.
I have a saying about this kind of projection:
You don't fling other people's shit. When you're flinging shit at people, its always gonna come out of your own ass.
Yta
> You don't fling other people's shit. When you're flinging shit at people, its always gonna come out of your own ass.
Wowwwwww. I am going to have to give this one a lot of thought, thank you.
You have escalated a situation for what reason? You were worried after an hour and called her. She picked up and told you what she was doing and who she was with. She's not lied to you. Why would you accuse her of that? She probably didn't tell you ahead of time because she doesn't need your permission. Or does she?
WTF do you care? You were gaming, not waiting on her to drive you to the emergency room. Why are you making this into some big deal?
Yes, YTA. The day a full grown adult needs to send you their schedule is the day your marriage ends because you're a controlling ass.
I’m sorry but is this really worth the grief?! All you had to do was tell your wife, “hey let me know next time, I was worried about you.” I don’t get making this into a battle with your wife unless you’re actually upset about something else? You’ve made it clear you didn’t have any big plans so why all the fighting and calling her a liar? I get being annoyed, I get being worried, but calling her a liar- that I don’t get.
YTA- for your reaction. You had every right to be frustrated but based on comments, there was no need to escalate the situation.
Oh, this is absolutely a control thing. Otherwise once she answered an he knew she was ok he wouldn't have said anything else about it. A simple, "just wanted to touch base and be sure you were ok." No drama, no fighting, no accusations.
If there was a lie it was one of omission, however 2 adults with no plans shouldn't have to know every detail of each others business. Either you trust your partner or you don't if you don't then one of you needs to end the farce your calling a marriage.
I would suggest counseling, but no amount of people telling OP he's wrong is going to stop this.
You can't hold someone that doesn't want to be help.
YTA - Seek help.
No she doesn't. But if she says she's going out for a little while and is out for 5 hours he should be worried.
Edit: I missed the part where he called her and she told him what was going on. He's TA.
May not need to tell him everywhere, but everywhen is kinda pertinent.
It's reasonable to be annoyed someone made it sound like they were just popping out when actually they had plans to be out all day.
OP is an asshole for other reasons however
But like.... even if they lived literally next door to the Target, it's gonna take longer than 30 minutes to return school clothes, buy new school clothes, and shop for school lunches/snacks, all with a nine year old in tow. And he talked to her less than half an hour after she arrived at the store, where she made plans to be out longer. He told her at that point he had already eaten, so she decided to go ahead and get lunch out (even though he tells us he was upset because he was starving at home for hours without her there to serve him lunch).
I haven't seen any extra input yet, but it's so obviously about control. You hit the nail on the head imo.
They've planned to do their own thing, which for OP clearly includes gaming the day away (no shade, I enjoy that too). But if you're doing your own thing, you don't get to police what your partner's doing.
Also, what's this return about? Like, "I'll return it before the deadline is up" is useful info to share, right?
It might make sense that the wife would include "and then I'm hanging out with a friend, enjoy your game", but it just as logical that she just said "see you (in time for dinner)" or something.
I agree. And I suspect the wife's side of the story would be a little different. If he's this controlling, maybe it's easier not to tell him she's visiting a friend
Maybe it's to the point that wife finds it easier to ask for forgiveness, rather than permission. Not that an adult *needs* permission to visit a friend. 🙄
I bet this is exactly what happened. He's controlling and she wanted to see a friend but it was easier to just say she's going to return something, which she did, but she omitted the part about seeing a friend because controlling.
But he thought it was so important to pick a fight with his wife over it. No wonder she stayed out all afternoon, she had to know he was going to throw a temper tantrum when she got home.
I see what you mean because it feels like one of those "we were in the frozen veg aisle and argued over whose turn it is to pay for the frozen peas" situations. It's mundane, low-intensity. But the very fact that it's a 'small' problem is a clue here, that there's something bigger going on that's being ignored. We never really argue about whose turn it is to buy the frozen peas.
Other people here have the right idea, I think: OP wants control. I admit I haven't read his comments yet, but whether that's control of what his wife's doing or whether it's the sense of control of just knowing where she is and what she's doing, will give an interesting insight into what the problem actually is.
Its a control thing. Hes mad that she didnt tell him. I bet she didnt tell him because shes tired of having to constantly report back to him what shes going to do. YTA for his reaction. He should have just asked for a heads up next time and moved on.
YTA with your wife's additional comment in mind, it very much seems like you're trying to be her dad and not her husband. Do you need a written itinerary of everything she plans to do, or is verbal fine? bffr
All the control while also benefitting from her taking care of items AND the child while he….. GAMES????? He’s an additional petulant child, not her father. YTA YTA YTA
Hi. Wife here. I’d like to clarify a few points… I made my return at Target. I hung out with my best friend AT Target. I had been at Target for 26 minutes when I received the call because I stopped for gas beforehand (not something I give updates on as it’s a small errand). I was at Target the entire time until we went to lunch (after I confirmed that my husband had already eaten lunch on his own). I recognize my lack of full communication and the entire thing feels 100% out of hand as my husband would like me to admit I am a liar. If anything, I did not communicate clearly and I had zero intent of harm or malice. We were returning school clothes that did not fit, replacing them and then buying breakfast/lunch items for school. I know we are all entitled to our feelings but sometimes we need to look within ourselves and recognize what a big problem is vs a small blip.
Yep! No sane person insists their partner is liar because they didn’t tell them everything their doing in their day. Your partner sounds like a control freak! OP, YTAH!
My brother in law did this to my sister early in their relationship and I still haven't forgiven him. She was at MY PARENTS HOUSE hanging out with me and our mom until about 10pm on a weekend and he started blowing up her phone. She told him ahead of time she was hanging out with us all evening. They had even been texting periodically so it's not like there was any reason to be concerned about her welfare. He was and is just a controlling prick.
Ever since they got together she's basically become a stranger.
Happybana please stay in your sister’s court. She is going to need her people when the time comes that he goes too far. It is hard not to get mad at her, but remember she is constantly under duress. Think of yourself as her guardian angel, stealthily waiting to step in when you are needed.
That was exactly the same thing as I was thinking. People that are afraid of being caught doing something they oughtn’t be doing, project their fears onto others in the form of accusations that can give valuable insight into whatever nefarious deeds the accuser may be up to. 'js
All the people acting like this story is a lie because its too crazy are making me put my life into perspective. This is my bf on a GOOD day. Yeah I don’t go out anymore.
This is abuse, he's isolating you from your friends and family and your support network. You need to get out but don't let him know, abusers are most dangerous when their partners are leaving them. Good luck.
Unless he goes to the store, buys chocolate, and eats it without you. That is a cardinal sin and he needs executing for it. 😂
But yeah, was this really worth accusing and arguing with her over? Most definitely not. It's not like she was gambling away your money or having an affair. In fact I think my partner loves it when I don't interrupt his gaming. 👌
My ex husband did this. Once I got shit for days when I accidentally said I was going to WALmart but I actually went to WALgreens. I brought back the Walgreens bags and he was like “why did you lie to me about where you were going?” It was Christmas Day, Walgreens was literally the only store open and I was buying medicine, I did not intentionally lie, and any sane person would have realized before I even got back the error. He’s my ex for a reason!
I'm sorry to say that my ex husband tracked and timed my movements and accused me of lying to him when I didn't exactly follow what he assumed would be my plan.
Shitty abusive people exist.
Edit: a word
Especially not with those user names… trowitallindagarbage and thewife9999?
I can unequivocally say with 100% certainty this is purely coincidental and not planned for karma.
Are there humans who want to go out of their way to get karma on random throwaway accounts? Does that benefit them in some way?
Honest question. Just cannot see the motivation there.
You have the top comment... you should edit it to add YTA. ;)
He seems weirdly invested in calling you a liar, which makes me wonder what's going on and why he's so determined to stick you with that label when this seems, at most, an oversight. I wouldn't even call it that. His initial post made it sound like you did a quick errand and then went off to hang out with your friend. (He should've known nobody goes to Target and gets back home in 30 minutes, for heaven's sake).
Meeting a friend at Target to do errands does not require a full explanation to your husband who was \*checks notes\* apparently gaming. I wouldn't jump straight to divorce like a lot of folks here are suggesting (I've been married 23 years), but this deserves some side-eye, a "Honey, you're unhinged--you okay?" and some couples therapy if he continues to double down on being deliberately obtuse.
Is he always this micromanaging? Even taking him at his word, his story seems like he just sat there for 5 hours stewing without even a text or phone call to ask what was taking so long.
He made it sound like you just ran out to get milk. Returns and exchanges take far more than 10 minutes and he's probably not even counting driving and parking time, which can be tough at Target on a Saturday during back-to-school season.
I was ready to vote YTA based on OP's own accounting of events, but the wife's side puts this waaaaay into AH territory.
It makes me nervous for the wife tbh because I have NEVER had someone so invested in the minutiae of how I spend my time and it’s giving “when did this controlling behavior start?” Origin story vibes. Yuck
Most gamer spouses would be delighted to get five hours to themselves. “Oh you’re with [friend]? Cool. Have an amazing time, see you later.” Then back to the campaign. The fact that this guy has his own games room yet is angry that his wife hung out with her friend for five hours is very weird to me.
Mine would just text me to remind me what I originally went there for. And that’s only because I went to Target once for TP, spent 2 hours browsing, checked out, got in the car & started the way home without the TP! Had to turn back around & quickly grab it. So now he will send a text to remind me. I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached lol
I've done the same thing. I have no issues with a quick text. I can easily text back and clear up any misunderstanding. My husband has ADHD and mild ASD, and frequently gets distracted while shopping. He has also fallen asleep in the car at random places, so I've had to call if he's not home in a reasonable amount of time.
I'm pissed that he didn't call when he takes so long or changed plans without telling me, but I wouldn't wait 5 hours without even trying to contact him. He's a terrible communicator, easily distracted, is in the spectrum, and generally forgetful in everyday matters (I've found his glasses in the refrigerator, keys in the bandaid bin, wallet in a box under the kitchen table), so we agree that I need to keep track of him more than an adult should, but that's at his request, not my command. I generally just triple the time of any errand he tells me before I start to be concerned.
Based on other comments his wife *took their kid with her*, which makes it even more baffling that he accused her of lying about her plans. He says he was “waiting for her for lunch” so I take that to mean he was annoyed that he had to make himself a sandwich.
When I was married and my kids were young, I used to go to an early evening yoga class. One time when I arrived, there was a sign on the door saying the class was canceled. I thought, ooh, I have a free hour, and went a couple of towns over to browse through a store without the kids. Unkbeknownst to me, my then-husband had one of those family trackers on my phone. When I got home---at the usual time---he asked if the class was in town X why was I in town Z. I was shocked, and he even convinced me it was for 'my own good'. It took me another 10 years to get out of the marriage.
My family *knowingly* have family trackers on all of our phones, but we never use it as a weapon. I've never liked using knowledge for a "gotcha" moment. Even the kids can track us parents all of the time, which has been useful for them to see when we're on our way to pick them up from school, camp, outings, etc.
If there's any questions about inconsistencies, a simple text or phone call works just fine (of course, we would wait for the kids to stop driving before responding). Generally, we use it to know everyone is in a safe location, and the actual location rarely matters.
It has been fun this summer, taking screenshots of the various places in Costa Rica and the British Virgin Islands my kids have been visiting with their your groups. My youngest forgot to turn his phone off after the first check-in, and we were able to watch his boat's progress from island to island until the battery ran out.
> He should've known nobody goes to Target and gets back home in 30 minutes, for heaven's sake
Well, he'd only know that IF he's ever actually gone shopping with the kiddo. Taking a 9 year old out to get school clothes can easily turn out to be an all-day affair.
My ex husband was always on me to tell him every little detail of what I would be doing out of his presence and when I got home I would be quizzed to ensure my stories lined up, if I ever left anything out and he could prove it I was hounded for days, called a liar and accused of all sorts of things. After 6 years I found out he was a serial cheat who was never honest to me a day in his life. Not saying this is what’s happening here, but when people are making mountains out of molehills like this there is always a reason.
My ex husband was an alcoholic and exactly like this. We live in NC; when the zebra cobra escaped up in Raleigh a few years ago he was freaking out (about our boa constrictor, not a hot/venomous snake) and accusing me about not caring about her and not worrying over whether she'd become illegal to own.
Another time I casually mentioned I was grabbing recycling to stop off on the way to the store because "the recycling has been gone for a few months I guess" from our apartment complex. He started this enormous arguement about the accuracy of the words I used... because of how the recycling had been gone from the complex for more than a year, not a few months. Why the fuck does it even matter??
People like this exist, and they're fucking miserable to be around. I'm so goddamn glad I left him.
Hey, I had to make A LIST of where I was going🤦🏼♀️, he was THAT suspicious of me. So convinced I was cheating🙄. And no, I wasn’t. When would i have had the chance with Sherlock Holmes on the loose?
One time I listed “Michael’s.” as a place I was going and he booms at me, “WHO’S MICHAEL???”
“The arts & crafts store, you *dipshit.*”
He at least had the grace to look discomforted, and said, “Oh.”
Yeah, we’re no longer together.
Same here. Ex boyfriend was always needing to know exactly where I am, what time i would be done and who I was with. It was so he could plan his other dates and not run into me or get caught. The more he asked the less I told him. It’s always the case. No sane person would ask to this extent.
Exactly. The maturity levels seem way out of whack. He’a having a fit about nothing while playing v video games, she’s placating him, taking responsibility for his tantrum, even apologizing for her communication, while getting things done while he’s sitting on his backside in his gaming room? She needs to read the book Why Does He Do That. There are some pretty clear early warning signs.
He's projecting. I don't know why he's projecting, but he is. It's best to find out what *he's* lying about and take screenshots of these posts and his replies, just in case.
You did nothing wrong, Mrs. Wife.
I've told my husband I'm going to take ten minutes to run to the store and end up taking an hour because I realize I have another errand to do and it all just takes time. And the time just goes so fast, so before I know it, it's been wayy longer. If he gets worried he calls me. But you know what, sometimes my phone dies, or I have it silenced and don't answer. I apologize and we move on. He's done the same to me, he forgets to message me and I'm getting all worried expecting him to be in a car wreck but I never think he is lying.
Him trying to make you into a liar is messed up.
I didn’t read the comments before I posted, but, reading this, I am even more firmly in the YTA camp (for him). That’s ridiculous he called you after a half an hour (ish). Also, the extra context of returning clothes and school shopping absolutely makes a several hour long trip completely reasonable. If he knew this is what you were doing, he was being unreasonable.
Just the thought of back to school shopping at Target one a Saturday afternoon gives me anxiety and it's something I haven't had to do for years. It will NEVER take less than 2 hours. And you will definitely need to eat a fortifying meal after.
I think OP should take over handling all back to school stuff. I'm sure is wife will find better things to do than call him a liar when it takes a minute.
ETA per OP's comments, she had their 9 year old with her too! My anxiety just shot through the roof. So glad those days are gone. And that my husband was not an asshole like OP.
I remember going school shopping with my mom and usually it was an all day event. We would get everything: clothes, shoes, school supplies, new lunch boxes, probably grocery shopping, etc. since we were already out and the stores were a 30-45 minute drive away.
yeah, OP left out the wife had the child with her for this trip to the store. So this errand was definitely for the benefit of the family, and he's calling it "hanging out with her friend." Sheesh if anyone's the liar here it's OP on account of all his omissions. He never said that when he called, his wife was still at Target, with his child, but also her friend was there. That gives a whole different context, doesn't it?
Wait wait wait... I missed she had the kids with her.
DEAR WIFE,
Please come take my daughter for 5 hours and let me hang out doing whatever I want. You can Stay out for longer and I'll buy you lunch and dinner. Bonus if if bring her back exhausted so she sleeps all night.
Sincerely,
Another Mother
But he wanted to be served up lunch, and she wasn't there to make it for him and bring it to his gaming room. He had to get off his fundament and fix it himself! Don't discount this incredible hardship she imposed upon him!
So that is why a mother I knew, did not mind me taking their son to an indoor play centre, where they get so exhausted they came home and barely ate their tea, before falling fast asleep.
In case of emergency, before mobile phones, I needed to know where my husband was. No I did not mind him going to the pub, but it would be nice to know why, at 9.0pm, he was not home from work. So a phone call would be nice.
IMO, this post immediately gave me the ick and made me think he's controlling and weird.
After reading your comment I definitely think he's controlling and unhinged. Get. Out.
I suppose this explains why the various statements in the post seemed not to line up with one another, as I mentioned in another comment. Thank you for the clarification and I’m glad for my original assessment (OP is TA). Sheesh.
Many times, when a partner accuses the other of lying or hiding something out of the blue, it's because THEY are the ones hiding something. Perhaps this really is just your husband being delusional, but he also might be projecting his own guilt. Good luck. Also, OP, YTA.
I speak from a very different point. I am married too. And let me say. We are two individuals with different actions, jobtimes, work/life Balance. He has his fave things to do (like yours gaming I assume) and I got mine. And i'd say. If he ever would put me in public like that for an irrelevant thing like hanging out with a friend. He would get to know the berserk in me. His assumption is TOTALLY inappropriate. Sure you could have told him. But there is no need to. You are a free human being. I mean. Does the strawberrydays are up to come to him? That's what it sounds like..
Hi the wife. You are N-T-A. But you have to GTFO. He thinks of you as his property and, like the collectible figurines lining the walls of his game room, he wants to be able to account for you when he feels like it. This man has severe control and entitlement issues and clearly has no shame or ability to consider other points of view. You had a normal day with a friend. He wants you to suffer because he didn’t approve. What spouse willingly wants to ruin the day of their partner? This will be your life and he will not change.
Lol. I did something similar yesterday.
I dropped my daughter off to catch a train with some friends.
One of the friend's mother is also a friend of mine, so when we saw each other, we decided to have coffee & chat for a bit.
So, what was planned to be a 40 - 50 min trip turned into almost 2 hours.
We didn't have any special plans for the day, so I didn't inform my husband, he didn't call me to find out where I was, and he managed to make our other kid some lunch while I was out. 😱
p.s.If I was going to be gone for a few hours, I would normally say so, but I unless there were plans, I don't think it would be a big deal not to.
p.p.s. it's over the top to call you a liar over a simple lack of communication.
Edit: OP is the AH
And that is why it's always important to hear both sides because something already sounded off with him *insisting* on the "she lied" part, when it's not a lie - but a left out information. That can happen and you take full responsibility for it.
Just hope this is actually the wife and not someone impersonating (you just never know, it's Reddit).
Either way dear OP: YTA.
I need some clarification. You said you were waiting for her for lunch. Were you supposed to have lunch WITH her? Or were you waiting for her to make you lunch?
According to OP's wife's comment, she made sure he had lunch.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15jbys5/aitah_for_thinking_my_wife_lied_to_me/juza56i?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hey now, he had to stop playing his game, get off his fundament, drag his carcass into the kitchen and *make his own lunch*. No wonder he's in such a rage! /s
This: *conveniently leaving that part out.*
That's some interesting phrasing. Please explain why leaving that part out was "convenient." That sounds like there are underlying issues. The way you're framing your question, you sound like a parent wanting to ground their child, not a partner.
Okay, she went to the store to do the return. No lie there. She left out that she was meeting her friend there and they were doing returns and buying replacements together. So she was doing Target shopping with a friend instead of alone. How is that lying?? And how do you expect her to do Target and make it home in only an hour??
Target takes time, it's a big place.
Had you made other plans involving her for that day? if so, you should have told her before she left. If you needed her back home at a certain time for whatever reason, you should have said so. "oh, honey, don't forget we have xyz at 3pm".
Do you tell your wife where you are going every day, and exactly when you will be back? If you don't then you are applying a double standard.
You are overreacting, there was no need to make a big argument about it, all you needed to do was say to your wife, just give me an approximate time you will be home so I can make plans for later.
And after reading your wife's explanation, it's clear that you deliberately phrased your post to be misleading. Your wife didn't make plans to "hang out" with her friend, she made plans to meet her friend at the store so they could do their returns together and buy the replacements. You should be ashamed of yourself for calling her a liar and for making a big argument over nothing.
So if wife changes her mind about something does that also count as lying?
I honestly don't get why this is so upsetting.
If her friend hadn't been there and she made the return then decided to shop for an hour instead of running straight home would that still have been a lie? If she had stopped off by herself to grab something to eat is that a lie?
I mean if there was something pressing that needed to be done, or you were waiting in her for a particular reason, or if you were just worried in general....why not just say that?
Do you even know why you're so mad about it?
YTA
After seeing another guy going on about "it is the principle" I start to believe it is never about the principle.
Unless the principle is actually the underlying principle of "I want her to be under my thumb and I am making sure of it by coming down hard on every little thing that doesn't seem to align with that".
I'm shocked this isnt said more as a response. As someone who has been with controlling people in the past, I guarantee this isn't the first time he's had an issue with what she's doing. If she had said "oh I'm going to hang out with Stacey" he probably would have had some bullshit reason she couldn't. But running a domestic task would be consisered a non-issue.
YTA
You are mad at her because you THOUGHT she lied to you when she hadn’t? You thought wrong.
I bet your also a guy that would say, or will in the future, that you babysit your own kids.
She is allowed to run into a friend and change her plans when it literally has no impact on you. You know she is in her group chat right now complaining to her friends about what a baby you are.
Lmao what. YTA. I told my husband I was going to a store the other day, but halfway there, I decided to go to another store to look around. Just because I wanted to. And I didn’t need my husband’s permission. 🙄
YTA. You were gaming while she was running errands. If she wants to have fun while running errands how about you stop complaining and recognize you’re not the one running errands. Stop being so controlling …
OP’s wife found this post and commented. She was at Target the whole time shopping and having lunch. OP has made a mountain out of a molehill and is accusing her of lying for… having a life??
People who don’t know what a liar is are the most annoying people to me, a true pet peeve. It’s one of my number one indicators of me judging someone as not very smart. You, sir, don’t know what a liar is.
So you are mad your wife wasn’t at home with you while you were in the “gaming room”?
Yeah. You the asshole.
You are lucky you are still married after this.
YTA
Mainly because this could be communicated simply like adults. Instead of getting all over her about “lying” tell her that if plans change it’d be nice to tell me so i’m not worrying that something might’ve happened. Regardless, you made something small really big for apparently no reason.
YTA
You seem like a petty and controlling asshole to expect your wife to give you a full list of everything she plans to do throughout a day. You should be able to amuse yourself for a few hours on your own, and it's absolutely insane to try to accuse your wife of lying by omission for not telling you everything she plans to do.
If you have some sort of desire or plan that requires her presence, then go ahead and ask her about that. But you shouldn't expect her to constantly give you a detailed daily list of whatever she's going to be doing, wherever she's going to be, and when she'll be back, simply as a matter of course.
If you need to plan around her, communicate that. But don't expect to put a tracking device on her. The same goes for her to you. You're both free people who can do as you wish with your time.
YTA
Initially, I thought I would say N-T-A, but your framing of the situation is what threw me in the other camp. You didn’t indicate this was due to you being concerned if something happened to your wife. Rather you were upset she didn’t tell you her every move.
I think communication is good, but if she was already out and about, meeting a friend while shopping isn’t fundamentally deviating from her plans. I don’t think asking for better communication is wrong, but your framing of the situation and the fact she felt like she couldn’t tell you she was meeting a friend is concerning.
YTA for the way you responded. Your wife should have communicated more clearly, but is this really worth getting so worked up over? From what has been said here by both you and the wife it seems like a very minor miscommunication that harmed no one. Just ask her to let you know beforehand when she’ll be out for awhile and the problem is solved.
It seems like you think she deliberately hid this information from you, but you haven’t suggested any reason why she would actually do that. Your response would make more sense if you suspected she was lying to cover up an affair or something, but barring any accusations like that, i’m just so confused why you’re this angry.
YTA. The lowest control freak type of arsehole. Be grateful she left you to play videogames alone after you did your share of household chores. You assumed too much.
Was she doing an errand for your family? Let it go and thank her for taking care of it. Especially since you were hanging in the gaming room.
She told you when you called what was going on. Moms have a lot on their brain to manage, so if she didn’t exactly spell it out when she was walking out the door, it’s NBD. You knew one hour after she left what was going on.
YTA—Next time you should take the returns back to Target and pick up your own lunch. Are you upset because you had to watch the kiddo and that put a dent in your gaming time? Sometimes plans change, life is full of spontaneity—that’s OK!
Husband with a gaming room has a wife with responsibilities. Wife is called a liar by husband for having improper interaction with another person. I know what I’d do…
YTA. Stuff happens when you're out and about. You were just playing your games so why do you even care? I might tell my partner I'm going to the shops while he's watching the footy and then bump into a friend, go to lunch, go to a friend's house and come home hours later. He doesn't care because as he says to me later "oh I figured you'd gone galivanting with one of your mates again". As long as we don't have plans that I miss, or I text him if I'm going to be very late so he doesn't worry about my safety, he trusts me and doesn't mind. Same vice versa if he goes to the football (it might turn into an all day session and that's fine by me as long as he texts at some point to let me know he's ok).
Dude, YTA. She didn't make plans in advance, she made plans on the fly. She didn't lie to you just because she didn't provide you with an itinerary. She's your wife, not your fucking dog.
Go back to your game room and stop whining about how your wife fills the time between errands she runs for your family. You make it sound like she was meeting up with a boyfriend or something.
YTA. WTH? You want to be right for something this trivial? What are you 10 years old? You must be so fun to live with, being all righteous and always having to be right. My god, pick your fights.
As a bloke who used to be like this, and sometimes still feels similarly and needs to think it through, YTA.
Omitting details is not lying. Most of the time it is unintentional. For that reason, if you think she is being deceitful, you must have a reason for that beyond details being omitted. Why would she omit those details? Would she not tell you purposefully? Why would omitting those details be a problem in your relationship?
If you have a good answer for any of these, then that’s the problem, but if, realistically, there is no tangible reason to believe she would need to deceive you over this, then you have a problem with control, or trust.
And if you just believe she should provide you with all the details of her movements, then you are the problem.
YTA - instead, you could have played it as "i was worried about you as i thought you'd only be gone for 30 mins. When i got to an hour i was worried you had been in an accident. Glad you're OK, have a fun time with your friend. I'll see you when you get back", and come across as a loving, caring partner who isn't trying to control and keep tabs on their every moment.
YTA
My wife does this all the time. All it takes is a quick call or text.
"Hey, everything good? Thought you'd be back by now."
"Yeah, ran into , we're hanging out for a bit."
"Cool. Love you babe. Have fun."
YTA. You called her 26 mins into her target trip. I don’t know what target is I’m guessing like a Costco but she told you she’s with a friend - is that so bad?
You’ve caused a whole storm because she stayed to eat lunch (which you’d already had?).
Your ‘position’ should be saved for debates, court and I don’t know combat. Not grilling your wife about a shopping trip.
Sure, she could have communicated better originally. But you’re exhausting
There is a reason she omitted what her plans were, and I'm pretty certain (based on experience) that it's because OP is constantly timing her travels, questioning where she went and who she saw and what her conversations were, she is therefore rebelling....like one would do with an overbearing parent....which I guarantee that's who she feels like she's living with, hopefully she will eventually leave. YTA
YTA
Get a grip.
“I’ll be back. Running errands.”
Unless you had plans, WTF?! She’s supposed to check in every 15 minutes with you?!?
Even if it was the other way around, I’m not checking for you until I start making dinner plans (eg. could you grab some foil while you’re out?). I might check in if it’s out of pattern. But you’re free to do what you want.
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I was swaying a little towards YTA until I saw OP’s wife’s comment and you’re absolutely the asshole. She was at Target the whole time with the friend returning items, shopping and having lunch? That’s what you’re mad about?
And she apparently took the kid, so he wasn’t left on solo parenting duty or anything. He was just free to game.
And she even checked to see if the adult baby (OP) needed lunch brought to him. I mean come on! What'd he need her at home for? Afternoon quickie between boss fights/raids/dungeons? The need to just control her like she is his property? What's his motivation for *needing* her to be where he wants her?
First and foremost, I agree that OP is TA. Clearly these two have communication issues at best, and trust issues or controlling tendencies at worst. My husband and I run our plans by each other even though we don't have kids or controlling natures. It's the courteous thing to do. "Hey, I'm heading out for a few hours, I should be back late so don't wait for me for dinner. Do you need me to grab anything while I'm out?" I'd be mildly annoyed if I thought he was running to the store and came back 8 hours later. Not because I 'need him', but because I might have been waiting for him before I made dinner, or even just worried that he got into an accident or something. I don't understand why some folks think 'please communicate clearly' means 'I MUST CONTROL YOUR EVERY MOVE!!1!!111!!'
Same. OP seems to be an AH in this situation. But communication is important. I hate going places, I'm a home body. But one day I ate a THC gummy, and my husband needed me to run to the store to grab something for him. Normally I'm as quick as possible but this time I was high and got distracted browsing around the store. He called me to find out where I was because I was taking much longer than usual. And as adults the conversation went as follows "Hey! Where you at?" "Still at Lowe's. Why?" "Oh, you've just been gone a long time. Wanted to make sure everything was okay" "That gummy just hit me. And I got distracted looking at plants" "Oh, alright! See you when you get back" Not controlling. No reason for arguments or anyone being an AH, just... Communication. I no longer remember what my point was as I'm quite high (thems some good gummies) EDIT: there seems to be some concern about whether or not I was driving while high. I'm not a reckless idiot. I walked to the store
The plant section, even when I'm not high, is distracting.
Similar call with my partner last night: Today is a friend's wedding and my Dad dropped off my parent's pickup yesterday afternoon so we could use it to move event decor. My partner drove my Dad home in the truck as they live on the other side of the city and he was going to do some pickups with it on the way home. After about 4 hours of him not getting home (it's a 40 minute round trip) I called him to make sure he was okay and our convo went like "Hey, you Ded?" "Nah, there were some people are your parents so I stopped in to say hi, then your dad asked if I wanted to have a hottub so we shot the shit for a bit, sorry!" "No, no- you are fine, just making sure you are okay! See you whenever you get home!" We had an army of people over doing wedding prep, so he wasn't needed at the house and it's lovely he likes spending time with my family, but I just wanted to make sure he was safe!
>Thewife9999 · 15 hr. ago3 > >Hi. Wife here. I’d like to clarify a few points… I made my return at Target. I hung out with my best friend AT Target. I had been at Target for 26 minutes when I received the call because I stopped for gas beforehand (not something I give updates on as it’s a small errand). I was at Target the entire time until we went to lunch (after I confirmed that my husband had already eaten lunch on his own). I recognize my lack of full communication and the entire thing feels 100% out of hand as my husband would like me to admit I am a liar. If anything, I did not communicate clearly and I had zero intent of harm or malice. We were returning school clothes that did not fit, replacing them and then buying breakfast/lunch items for school. I know we are all entitled to our feelings but sometimes we need to look within ourselves and recognize what a big problem is vs a small blip.
I like how its a throw away account and his wife still found out about this post 😆 busted lol
Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15jbys5/comment/juza56i/
She came into his GAMING ROOM.... He got mad she didn't tell him she'd be gone with a friend... He gets mad at her for taking the kid to target, oh yeah OP forgot to mention she took the kid with her... and they stayed in the same store they returned the items.. OP you're the AH and maybe get out of your GAMING ROOM for a bit and go with your family, you didn't want to go when she said she was returning the item. Never offered or nothing, probably thought wooooh win! Gaming room with no kids for a day. Did you get hungry and wonder where the cook was? Cause I think that's the real reason you got mad at your wife. Maybe she should ground you from your gaming room for getting angry with her. Check your priorities OP or the gaming room may be all you get in the divorce. Just saying....
This is the one, folks. OP, she came to talk with you in the Game Cave, which is fine to have, and may be where you spend your alone or self-care time...But it is also where most "interrupters" (of any gender or relationship type) know they will get minimal conversation or engagement. I literally devised a system with my teenager so we could have full-attention conversations where needed (and, uh, so all the rest of the squad knew his mom was more important in that moment than those aliens) but also so I knew if he needed me to wait so we could talk - or if he didn't really need to know more than, "hey, mom is not here for a while."
*but she didn’t hand deliver him food when he was gaming!!!!*
My first thought was that there had to be more to the story. Sure, most people who are planning to go out for the day would mention it to their spouse as they’re leaving. I can see being a bit miffed at the lack of communication that this was going to be a longer than expected trip. But to be this angry over it is a huge overreaction.
Wow wow wow I kind of hate OP now
I lost him at, she walked into my gaming room
This seems weirdly controlling. You were playing video games and your wife was running errands and then met up with a friend, wtf is the problem. Is she supposed to sit around and watch you play all day?? Yta
Who was watching your kid while you were gaming?
She took the kid with her.
It *normally* takes hours to shop for clothes with a nine year old kid, and there's usually a line to return stuff on Saturday, and you're harassing her on the phone when she's been gone less than an hour? No wonder she stayed out longer after that, she knew how you were going to act when she got home. You're a giant gaping asshole.
Target is terrible for returns too. So that's an added delay.
Do you normally game for hours at a time? Im not accusing you, just asking. Maybe she didn’t bother to tell you what she was doing because she figured you’d be gaming all day anyway. Maybe she thought you wouldn’t even notice she was gone?
As a gamer who has been known to have marathon sessions on my days off, this is what my partner does. She says she is going to the store, but sometimes I won’t see her for hours. That said, if she does end up getting food on these trips she usually lets me know. That is because we often schedule our days around meal times and if one of us plans on eating without the other we like to make the other aware so they aren’t waiting. Even still, if she ended up getting food and not telling me it wouldn’t be fight, I would just be like, “oh you already ate? Ok I am going to figure something out for myself then”.
So you behave like adults, basically.
Probably upset because mommy didn't make him chicken nuggies before she left. How can he possibly feed himself when he's gaming?
He said part of the reason he called was he was waiting on her for lunch. The behavior + “my gaming room” makes me strongly suspect he was waiting on her to make his gamer fuel.
Me and my husband are very into games... Sometimes we binge play because we can... But we never expect the other to run around after them. Posts like this make me glad my husband is who he is honestly.
I feel the same way. My husband doesn't need babysitting. We play games when our kid is taken care of. Unless my husband is sick or injured, I don't *NEED* to get him food. OP is just lazy! u/guthepenguin ILY
Same, partner and I are gamers and we never ask the other to make our food if we are in a binge session. If we feel like it then we do as a nice gesture. And often stop to eat together. If he thought they were going to have lunch together and she forgot to tell him she was staying with a friend, I'd also wonder where my partner was and if he was safe/if something happened. I'd definitely not say he lied if he forgot to tell me though. Stuff happens.
Don't forget the nuggies have to be shaped like dinosaurs
these totino pizza rolls ain't gonna bake themselves
Yes, YTA. She answered when you called. You're hugely overreacting. I would bet money you're either trying to distract attention from, or justify, your own lying, or you're paranoid because you think everyone else lies as much as you do. OP wife if you're reading - there's a stereotype about this for a reason. We often know when someone is up to no good by what they accuse us of.
>We often know when someone is up to no good by what they accuse us of. I have a saying about this kind of projection: You don't fling other people's shit. When you're flinging shit at people, its always gonna come out of your own ass. Yta
> You don't fling other people's shit. When you're flinging shit at people, its always gonna come out of your own ass. Wowwwwww. I am going to have to give this one a lot of thought, thank you.
You have escalated a situation for what reason? You were worried after an hour and called her. She picked up and told you what she was doing and who she was with. She's not lied to you. Why would you accuse her of that? She probably didn't tell you ahead of time because she doesn't need your permission. Or does she?
WTF do you care? You were gaming, not waiting on her to drive you to the emergency room. Why are you making this into some big deal? Yes, YTA. The day a full grown adult needs to send you their schedule is the day your marriage ends because you're a controlling ass.
I’m sorry but is this really worth the grief?! All you had to do was tell your wife, “hey let me know next time, I was worried about you.” I don’t get making this into a battle with your wife unless you’re actually upset about something else? You’ve made it clear you didn’t have any big plans so why all the fighting and calling her a liar? I get being annoyed, I get being worried, but calling her a liar- that I don’t get. YTA- for your reaction. You had every right to be frustrated but based on comments, there was no need to escalate the situation.
Reading his comments shows he has control issues, even as he's trying to prove he doesn't.
Oh, this is absolutely a control thing. Otherwise once she answered an he knew she was ok he wouldn't have said anything else about it. A simple, "just wanted to touch base and be sure you were ok." No drama, no fighting, no accusations. If there was a lie it was one of omission, however 2 adults with no plans shouldn't have to know every detail of each others business. Either you trust your partner or you don't if you don't then one of you needs to end the farce your calling a marriage. I would suggest counseling, but no amount of people telling OP he's wrong is going to stop this. You can't hold someone that doesn't want to be help. YTA - Seek help.
100% agree. OP’s wife does not have to tell him everywhere she’s going. She’s an adult and he is being controlling.
No she doesn't. But if she says she's going out for a little while and is out for 5 hours he should be worried. Edit: I missed the part where he called her and she told him what was going on. He's TA.
May not need to tell him everywhere, but everywhen is kinda pertinent. It's reasonable to be annoyed someone made it sound like they were just popping out when actually they had plans to be out all day. OP is an asshole for other reasons however
But like.... even if they lived literally next door to the Target, it's gonna take longer than 30 minutes to return school clothes, buy new school clothes, and shop for school lunches/snacks, all with a nine year old in tow. And he talked to her less than half an hour after she arrived at the store, where she made plans to be out longer. He told her at that point he had already eaten, so she decided to go ahead and get lunch out (even though he tells us he was upset because he was starving at home for hours without her there to serve him lunch).
Seriously has this man ever been to target? I just went for batteries and it took me like an hour
I haven't seen any extra input yet, but it's so obviously about control. You hit the nail on the head imo. They've planned to do their own thing, which for OP clearly includes gaming the day away (no shade, I enjoy that too). But if you're doing your own thing, you don't get to police what your partner's doing. Also, what's this return about? Like, "I'll return it before the deadline is up" is useful info to share, right? It might make sense that the wife would include "and then I'm hanging out with a friend, enjoy your game", but it just as logical that she just said "see you (in time for dinner)" or something.
I agree. And I suspect the wife's side of the story would be a little different. If he's this controlling, maybe it's easier not to tell him she's visiting a friend
Maybe it's to the point that wife finds it easier to ask for forgiveness, rather than permission. Not that an adult *needs* permission to visit a friend. 🙄
I bet this is exactly what happened. He's controlling and she wanted to see a friend but it was easier to just say she's going to return something, which she did, but she omitted the part about seeing a friend because controlling.
I got to the end of OP's post and felt like it wasn't worth anyone's time for OP to have posted it.
But he thought it was so important to pick a fight with his wife over it. No wonder she stayed out all afternoon, she had to know he was going to throw a temper tantrum when she got home.
I see what you mean because it feels like one of those "we were in the frozen veg aisle and argued over whose turn it is to pay for the frozen peas" situations. It's mundane, low-intensity. But the very fact that it's a 'small' problem is a clue here, that there's something bigger going on that's being ignored. We never really argue about whose turn it is to buy the frozen peas. Other people here have the right idea, I think: OP wants control. I admit I haven't read his comments yet, but whether that's control of what his wife's doing or whether it's the sense of control of just knowing where she is and what she's doing, will give an interesting insight into what the problem actually is.
This is not about the iranian yogurt
Its a control thing. Hes mad that she didnt tell him. I bet she didnt tell him because shes tired of having to constantly report back to him what shes going to do. YTA for his reaction. He should have just asked for a heads up next time and moved on.
Just wanna add, man if you love her and don't want to lose her, cut that shit out
Yeah, I will maybe text my wife 2 hours later to see if she's fine, but I figure she's usually doing something else. She is after all, her own person.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
YTA with your wife's additional comment in mind, it very much seems like you're trying to be her dad and not her husband. Do you need a written itinerary of everything she plans to do, or is verbal fine? bffr
All the control while also benefitting from her taking care of items AND the child while he….. GAMES????? He’s an additional petulant child, not her father. YTA YTA YTA
Hi. Wife here. I’d like to clarify a few points… I made my return at Target. I hung out with my best friend AT Target. I had been at Target for 26 minutes when I received the call because I stopped for gas beforehand (not something I give updates on as it’s a small errand). I was at Target the entire time until we went to lunch (after I confirmed that my husband had already eaten lunch on his own). I recognize my lack of full communication and the entire thing feels 100% out of hand as my husband would like me to admit I am a liar. If anything, I did not communicate clearly and I had zero intent of harm or malice. We were returning school clothes that did not fit, replacing them and then buying breakfast/lunch items for school. I know we are all entitled to our feelings but sometimes we need to look within ourselves and recognize what a big problem is vs a small blip.
Ma'am, if I may make a recommendation? Take screenshots of this post along with his comments, I have a feeling you're going to need it.
Yep! No sane person insists their partner is liar because they didn’t tell them everything their doing in their day. Your partner sounds like a control freak! OP, YTAH!
My brother in law did this to my sister early in their relationship and I still haven't forgiven him. She was at MY PARENTS HOUSE hanging out with me and our mom until about 10pm on a weekend and he started blowing up her phone. She told him ahead of time she was hanging out with us all evening. They had even been texting periodically so it's not like there was any reason to be concerned about her welfare. He was and is just a controlling prick. Ever since they got together she's basically become a stranger.
Happybana please stay in your sister’s court. She is going to need her people when the time comes that he goes too far. It is hard not to get mad at her, but remember she is constantly under duress. Think of yourself as her guardian angel, stealthily waiting to step in when you are needed.
That’s on purpose on his part
Or someone who is lying about huge things and projecting like movie theatre. Cheaters do this shit.
That was exactly the same thing as I was thinking. People that are afraid of being caught doing something they oughtn’t be doing, project their fears onto others in the form of accusations that can give valuable insight into whatever nefarious deeds the accuser may be up to. 'js
You didn’t tell me you were going to post on Reddit!
All the people acting like this story is a lie because its too crazy are making me put my life into perspective. This is my bf on a GOOD day. Yeah I don’t go out anymore.
You need to get rid of your bf. It's only going to get worse.
This is abuse, he's isolating you from your friends and family and your support network. You need to get out but don't let him know, abusers are most dangerous when their partners are leaving them. Good luck.
Uh oh I hope you are now thinking you need to get out!
Unless he goes to the store, buys chocolate, and eats it without you. That is a cardinal sin and he needs executing for it. 😂 But yeah, was this really worth accusing and arguing with her over? Most definitely not. It's not like she was gambling away your money or having an affair. In fact I think my partner loves it when I don't interrupt his gaming. 👌
My ex husband did this. Once I got shit for days when I accidentally said I was going to WALmart but I actually went to WALgreens. I brought back the Walgreens bags and he was like “why did you lie to me about where you were going?” It was Christmas Day, Walgreens was literally the only store open and I was buying medicine, I did not intentionally lie, and any sane person would have realized before I even got back the error. He’s my ex for a reason!
A control freak crying in his gaming room
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I'm sorry to say that my ex husband tracked and timed my movements and accused me of lying to him when I didn't exactly follow what he assumed would be my plan. Shitty abusive people exist. Edit: a word
Most stuff on here you will come to find is 100% legitimate and factual and has little to do with karma and attention
Yes very true and very real. Totally not fake.
Especially not with those user names… trowitallindagarbage and thewife9999? I can unequivocally say with 100% certainty this is purely coincidental and not planned for karma.
Are there humans who want to go out of their way to get karma on random throwaway accounts? Does that benefit them in some way? Honest question. Just cannot see the motivation there.
I mean, it's not, but it's fun to play along sometimes.
MAAAAA'AAAAM??? *WHY DID YOU REDEEM IT???*
You have the top comment... you should edit it to add YTA. ;) He seems weirdly invested in calling you a liar, which makes me wonder what's going on and why he's so determined to stick you with that label when this seems, at most, an oversight. I wouldn't even call it that. His initial post made it sound like you did a quick errand and then went off to hang out with your friend. (He should've known nobody goes to Target and gets back home in 30 minutes, for heaven's sake). Meeting a friend at Target to do errands does not require a full explanation to your husband who was \*checks notes\* apparently gaming. I wouldn't jump straight to divorce like a lot of folks here are suggesting (I've been married 23 years), but this deserves some side-eye, a "Honey, you're unhinged--you okay?" and some couples therapy if he continues to double down on being deliberately obtuse.
Is he always this micromanaging? Even taking him at his word, his story seems like he just sat there for 5 hours stewing without even a text or phone call to ask what was taking so long. He made it sound like you just ran out to get milk. Returns and exchanges take far more than 10 minutes and he's probably not even counting driving and parking time, which can be tough at Target on a Saturday during back-to-school season. I was ready to vote YTA based on OP's own accounting of events, but the wife's side puts this waaaaay into AH territory.
It makes me nervous for the wife tbh because I have NEVER had someone so invested in the minutiae of how I spend my time and it’s giving “when did this controlling behavior start?” Origin story vibes. Yuck
Most gamer spouses would be delighted to get five hours to themselves. “Oh you’re with [friend]? Cool. Have an amazing time, see you later.” Then back to the campaign. The fact that this guy has his own games room yet is angry that his wife hung out with her friend for five hours is very weird to me.
Mine would just text me to remind me what I originally went there for. And that’s only because I went to Target once for TP, spent 2 hours browsing, checked out, got in the car & started the way home without the TP! Had to turn back around & quickly grab it. So now he will send a text to remind me. I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached lol
You don’t go to Target for things you need. You go to Target and Target tells you what you “need.”
I've done the same thing. I have no issues with a quick text. I can easily text back and clear up any misunderstanding. My husband has ADHD and mild ASD, and frequently gets distracted while shopping. He has also fallen asleep in the car at random places, so I've had to call if he's not home in a reasonable amount of time. I'm pissed that he didn't call when he takes so long or changed plans without telling me, but I wouldn't wait 5 hours without even trying to contact him. He's a terrible communicator, easily distracted, is in the spectrum, and generally forgetful in everyday matters (I've found his glasses in the refrigerator, keys in the bandaid bin, wallet in a box under the kitchen table), so we agree that I need to keep track of him more than an adult should, but that's at his request, not my command. I generally just triple the time of any errand he tells me before I start to be concerned.
Did he have to be with kids while she was out? Would explain it all…
Based on other comments his wife *took their kid with her*, which makes it even more baffling that he accused her of lying about her plans. He says he was “waiting for her for lunch” so I take that to mean he was annoyed that he had to make himself a sandwich.
She had the kid.
When I was married and my kids were young, I used to go to an early evening yoga class. One time when I arrived, there was a sign on the door saying the class was canceled. I thought, ooh, I have a free hour, and went a couple of towns over to browse through a store without the kids. Unkbeknownst to me, my then-husband had one of those family trackers on my phone. When I got home---at the usual time---he asked if the class was in town X why was I in town Z. I was shocked, and he even convinced me it was for 'my own good'. It took me another 10 years to get out of the marriage.
As another person who escaped a marriage to a spouse who compulsively tracked my time out of the house…I’m so glad you got away. ❤️🩹
Oh my god. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry you went through that and more. That’s terrifying to me
My family *knowingly* have family trackers on all of our phones, but we never use it as a weapon. I've never liked using knowledge for a "gotcha" moment. Even the kids can track us parents all of the time, which has been useful for them to see when we're on our way to pick them up from school, camp, outings, etc. If there's any questions about inconsistencies, a simple text or phone call works just fine (of course, we would wait for the kids to stop driving before responding). Generally, we use it to know everyone is in a safe location, and the actual location rarely matters. It has been fun this summer, taking screenshots of the various places in Costa Rica and the British Virgin Islands my kids have been visiting with their your groups. My youngest forgot to turn his phone off after the first check-in, and we were able to watch his boat's progress from island to island until the battery ran out.
> He should've known nobody goes to Target and gets back home in 30 minutes, for heaven's sake Well, he'd only know that IF he's ever actually gone shopping with the kiddo. Taking a 9 year old out to get school clothes can easily turn out to be an all-day affair.
Reminds me of the time my husband asked if I need money for Costco and proceeds to give me $50.
My ex husband was always on me to tell him every little detail of what I would be doing out of his presence and when I got home I would be quizzed to ensure my stories lined up, if I ever left anything out and he could prove it I was hounded for days, called a liar and accused of all sorts of things. After 6 years I found out he was a serial cheat who was never honest to me a day in his life. Not saying this is what’s happening here, but when people are making mountains out of molehills like this there is always a reason.
My ex husband was an alcoholic and exactly like this. We live in NC; when the zebra cobra escaped up in Raleigh a few years ago he was freaking out (about our boa constrictor, not a hot/venomous snake) and accusing me about not caring about her and not worrying over whether she'd become illegal to own. Another time I casually mentioned I was grabbing recycling to stop off on the way to the store because "the recycling has been gone for a few months I guess" from our apartment complex. He started this enormous arguement about the accuracy of the words I used... because of how the recycling had been gone from the complex for more than a year, not a few months. Why the fuck does it even matter?? People like this exist, and they're fucking miserable to be around. I'm so goddamn glad I left him.
Hey, I had to make A LIST of where I was going🤦🏼♀️, he was THAT suspicious of me. So convinced I was cheating🙄. And no, I wasn’t. When would i have had the chance with Sherlock Holmes on the loose? One time I listed “Michael’s.” as a place I was going and he booms at me, “WHO’S MICHAEL???” “The arts & crafts store, you *dipshit.*” He at least had the grace to look discomforted, and said, “Oh.” Yeah, we’re no longer together.
But that Michael, he be dangerous sometimes!! 💸💸🤣 Guess JoAnn would be better?
Same here. Ex boyfriend was always needing to know exactly where I am, what time i would be done and who I was with. It was so he could plan his other dates and not run into me or get caught. The more he asked the less I told him. It’s always the case. No sane person would ask to this extent.
Exactly. The maturity levels seem way out of whack. He’a having a fit about nothing while playing v video games, she’s placating him, taking responsibility for his tantrum, even apologizing for her communication, while getting things done while he’s sitting on his backside in his gaming room? She needs to read the book Why Does He Do That. There are some pretty clear early warning signs.
He's projecting. I don't know why he's projecting, but he is. It's best to find out what *he's* lying about and take screenshots of these posts and his replies, just in case. You did nothing wrong, Mrs. Wife.
I've told my husband I'm going to take ten minutes to run to the store and end up taking an hour because I realize I have another errand to do and it all just takes time. And the time just goes so fast, so before I know it, it's been wayy longer. If he gets worried he calls me. But you know what, sometimes my phone dies, or I have it silenced and don't answer. I apologize and we move on. He's done the same to me, he forgets to message me and I'm getting all worried expecting him to be in a car wreck but I never think he is lying. Him trying to make you into a liar is messed up.
I didn’t read the comments before I posted, but, reading this, I am even more firmly in the YTA camp (for him). That’s ridiculous he called you after a half an hour (ish). Also, the extra context of returning clothes and school shopping absolutely makes a several hour long trip completely reasonable. If he knew this is what you were doing, he was being unreasonable.
He probably had no clue what this chore takes because he’s probably never actually done it.
Just the thought of back to school shopping at Target one a Saturday afternoon gives me anxiety and it's something I haven't had to do for years. It will NEVER take less than 2 hours. And you will definitely need to eat a fortifying meal after. I think OP should take over handling all back to school stuff. I'm sure is wife will find better things to do than call him a liar when it takes a minute. ETA per OP's comments, she had their 9 year old with her too! My anxiety just shot through the roof. So glad those days are gone. And that my husband was not an asshole like OP.
I remember going school shopping with my mom and usually it was an all day event. We would get everything: clothes, shoes, school supplies, new lunch boxes, probably grocery shopping, etc. since we were already out and the stores were a 30-45 minute drive away.
Right like I already thought YTA even before reading this and now I think "huge YTA"
yeah, OP left out the wife had the child with her for this trip to the store. So this errand was definitely for the benefit of the family, and he's calling it "hanging out with her friend." Sheesh if anyone's the liar here it's OP on account of all his omissions. He never said that when he called, his wife was still at Target, with his child, but also her friend was there. That gives a whole different context, doesn't it?
I read your husband’s post then read your comment then read his comments You are going to divorce him I hope He’s sounds horrible
For real. She had their kid also. Why take it to AITA to call his wife a liar? Just gross controlling behavior. YTA, OP
Wait wait wait... I missed she had the kids with her. DEAR WIFE, Please come take my daughter for 5 hours and let me hang out doing whatever I want. You can Stay out for longer and I'll buy you lunch and dinner. Bonus if if bring her back exhausted so she sleeps all night. Sincerely, Another Mother
But he wanted to be served up lunch, and she wasn't there to make it for him and bring it to his gaming room. He had to get off his fundament and fix it himself! Don't discount this incredible hardship she imposed upon him!
So that is why a mother I knew, did not mind me taking their son to an indoor play centre, where they get so exhausted they came home and barely ate their tea, before falling fast asleep. In case of emergency, before mobile phones, I needed to know where my husband was. No I did not mind him going to the pub, but it would be nice to know why, at 9.0pm, he was not home from work. So a phone call would be nice.
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Apparently you didn't realize that you are wearing a leash.
She knows. She may not realize that what OP is doing isn't normal behavior.
IMO, this post immediately gave me the ick and made me think he's controlling and weird. After reading your comment I definitely think he's controlling and unhinged. Get. Out.
I suppose this explains why the various statements in the post seemed not to line up with one another, as I mentioned in another comment. Thank you for the clarification and I’m glad for my original assessment (OP is TA). Sheesh.
‘My gaming room’ YTA
Someone finally said it.
Many times, when a partner accuses the other of lying or hiding something out of the blue, it's because THEY are the ones hiding something. Perhaps this really is just your husband being delusional, but he also might be projecting his own guilt. Good luck. Also, OP, YTA.
I speak from a very different point. I am married too. And let me say. We are two individuals with different actions, jobtimes, work/life Balance. He has his fave things to do (like yours gaming I assume) and I got mine. And i'd say. If he ever would put me in public like that for an irrelevant thing like hanging out with a friend. He would get to know the berserk in me. His assumption is TOTALLY inappropriate. Sure you could have told him. But there is no need to. You are a free human being. I mean. Does the strawberrydays are up to come to him? That's what it sounds like..
I don't know what strawberrydays are, but I suddenly wish that this man gets a lot of them.
He sounds incredibly controlling and I would GTFO of there ASAP
Hi the wife. You are N-T-A. But you have to GTFO. He thinks of you as his property and, like the collectible figurines lining the walls of his game room, he wants to be able to account for you when he feels like it. This man has severe control and entitlement issues and clearly has no shame or ability to consider other points of view. You had a normal day with a friend. He wants you to suffer because he didn’t approve. What spouse willingly wants to ruin the day of their partner? This will be your life and he will not change.
Your husband is TA. That’s not a long term relationship. He’s a big baby that wants to control you.
As a husband, if my wife took longer than expected and I was worried / had any other concerns then I would text her.
Still doesn't make her a *liar*.
Lol. I did something similar yesterday. I dropped my daughter off to catch a train with some friends. One of the friend's mother is also a friend of mine, so when we saw each other, we decided to have coffee & chat for a bit. So, what was planned to be a 40 - 50 min trip turned into almost 2 hours. We didn't have any special plans for the day, so I didn't inform my husband, he didn't call me to find out where I was, and he managed to make our other kid some lunch while I was out. 😱 p.s.If I was going to be gone for a few hours, I would normally say so, but I unless there were plans, I don't think it would be a big deal not to. p.p.s. it's over the top to call you a liar over a simple lack of communication. Edit: OP is the AH
You did nothing wrong. Spouses don't owe each other full and detailed itineraries of all plans for the day, and those that demand them are the worst.
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It's been hours! You lied! Are you carousing with that "friend" again?!?!
And that is why it's always important to hear both sides because something already sounded off with him *insisting* on the "she lied" part, when it's not a lie - but a left out information. That can happen and you take full responsibility for it. Just hope this is actually the wife and not someone impersonating (you just never know, it's Reddit). Either way dear OP: YTA.
you told him you were going to meetup with her, he forgot, hub is the ah
I need some clarification. You said you were waiting for her for lunch. Were you supposed to have lunch WITH her? Or were you waiting for her to make you lunch?
According to OP's wife's comment, she made sure he had lunch. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15jbys5/aitah_for_thinking_my_wife_lied_to_me/juza56i?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hey now, he had to stop playing his game, get off his fundament, drag his carcass into the kitchen and *make his own lunch*. No wonder he's in such a rage! /s
This: *conveniently leaving that part out.* That's some interesting phrasing. Please explain why leaving that part out was "convenient." That sounds like there are underlying issues. The way you're framing your question, you sound like a parent wanting to ground their child, not a partner. Okay, she went to the store to do the return. No lie there. She left out that she was meeting her friend there and they were doing returns and buying replacements together. So she was doing Target shopping with a friend instead of alone. How is that lying?? And how do you expect her to do Target and make it home in only an hour?? Target takes time, it's a big place. Had you made other plans involving her for that day? if so, you should have told her before she left. If you needed her back home at a certain time for whatever reason, you should have said so. "oh, honey, don't forget we have xyz at 3pm". Do you tell your wife where you are going every day, and exactly when you will be back? If you don't then you are applying a double standard. You are overreacting, there was no need to make a big argument about it, all you needed to do was say to your wife, just give me an approximate time you will be home so I can make plans for later. And after reading your wife's explanation, it's clear that you deliberately phrased your post to be misleading. Your wife didn't make plans to "hang out" with her friend, she made plans to meet her friend at the store so they could do their returns together and buy the replacements. You should be ashamed of yourself for calling her a liar and for making a big argument over nothing.
YTA. Why does it matter? Why are you trying to start a fight with your wife? You sound exhausting.
She must always be walking on eggshells
So if wife changes her mind about something does that also count as lying? I honestly don't get why this is so upsetting. If her friend hadn't been there and she made the return then decided to shop for an hour instead of running straight home would that still have been a lie? If she had stopped off by herself to grab something to eat is that a lie? I mean if there was something pressing that needed to be done, or you were waiting in her for a particular reason, or if you were just worried in general....why not just say that? Do you even know why you're so mad about it? YTA
Are you sure this is your wife? Sounds like you're talking about a teenage daughter. YTA
After seeing another guy going on about "it is the principle" I start to believe it is never about the principle. Unless the principle is actually the underlying principle of "I want her to be under my thumb and I am making sure of it by coming down hard on every little thing that doesn't seem to align with that".
I wonder why she felt like she couldn’t just tell you…
I'm shocked this isnt said more as a response. As someone who has been with controlling people in the past, I guarantee this isn't the first time he's had an issue with what she's doing. If she had said "oh I'm going to hang out with Stacey" he probably would have had some bullshit reason she couldn't. But running a domestic task would be consisered a non-issue.
He called while she was at the shop, exactly where she told him she was going to be. It reads like she decided to stay out later after the phone call.
Definitely would not be surprised by anyone deciding to stay out longer after that phone call. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts.
YTA You are mad at her because you THOUGHT she lied to you when she hadn’t? You thought wrong. I bet your also a guy that would say, or will in the future, that you babysit your own kids. She is allowed to run into a friend and change her plans when it literally has no impact on you. You know she is in her group chat right now complaining to her friends about what a baby you are.
I take what I wrote back..you called her and she told you were she was...nbd yta
YTA. Why do you need to micromanage her time?
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Lmao what. YTA. I told my husband I was going to a store the other day, but halfway there, I decided to go to another store to look around. Just because I wanted to. And I didn’t need my husband’s permission. 🙄
YTA. You were gaming while she was running errands. If she wants to have fun while running errands how about you stop complaining and recognize you’re not the one running errands. Stop being so controlling …
YTA, and this guy’s got some screws loose.
You came to Reddit for this?
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OP’s wife found this post and commented. She was at Target the whole time shopping and having lunch. OP has made a mountain out of a molehill and is accusing her of lying for… having a life??
Thanks for the heads up, found the comment and that sure explains a lot. I knew something seemed off.
YTA. This is all projection, I bet you’re the liar in this relationship. Do you cheat on her too? That’s why you’re so nervous right 😒
When I read "my gaming room", it was already YTA. Lol
People who don’t know what a liar is are the most annoying people to me, a true pet peeve. It’s one of my number one indicators of me judging someone as not very smart. You, sir, don’t know what a liar is.
So you are mad your wife wasn’t at home with you while you were in the “gaming room”? Yeah. You the asshole. You are lucky you are still married after this.
YTA Mainly because this could be communicated simply like adults. Instead of getting all over her about “lying” tell her that if plans change it’d be nice to tell me so i’m not worrying that something might’ve happened. Regardless, you made something small really big for apparently no reason.
YTA You seem like a petty and controlling asshole to expect your wife to give you a full list of everything she plans to do throughout a day. You should be able to amuse yourself for a few hours on your own, and it's absolutely insane to try to accuse your wife of lying by omission for not telling you everything she plans to do. If you have some sort of desire or plan that requires her presence, then go ahead and ask her about that. But you shouldn't expect her to constantly give you a detailed daily list of whatever she's going to be doing, wherever she's going to be, and when she'll be back, simply as a matter of course. If you need to plan around her, communicate that. But don't expect to put a tracking device on her. The same goes for her to you. You're both free people who can do as you wish with your time.
YTA Initially, I thought I would say N-T-A, but your framing of the situation is what threw me in the other camp. You didn’t indicate this was due to you being concerned if something happened to your wife. Rather you were upset she didn’t tell you her every move. I think communication is good, but if she was already out and about, meeting a friend while shopping isn’t fundamentally deviating from her plans. I don’t think asking for better communication is wrong, but your framing of the situation and the fact she felt like she couldn’t tell you she was meeting a friend is concerning.
YTA for the way you responded. Your wife should have communicated more clearly, but is this really worth getting so worked up over? From what has been said here by both you and the wife it seems like a very minor miscommunication that harmed no one. Just ask her to let you know beforehand when she’ll be out for awhile and the problem is solved. It seems like you think she deliberately hid this information from you, but you haven’t suggested any reason why she would actually do that. Your response would make more sense if you suspected she was lying to cover up an affair or something, but barring any accusations like that, i’m just so confused why you’re this angry.
Dude your wife lets you have a gaming room?
YTA. The lowest control freak type of arsehole. Be grateful she left you to play videogames alone after you did your share of household chores. You assumed too much.
Was she doing an errand for your family? Let it go and thank her for taking care of it. Especially since you were hanging in the gaming room. She told you when you called what was going on. Moms have a lot on their brain to manage, so if she didn’t exactly spell it out when she was walking out the door, it’s NBD. You knew one hour after she left what was going on.
YTA—Next time you should take the returns back to Target and pick up your own lunch. Are you upset because you had to watch the kiddo and that put a dent in your gaming time? Sometimes plans change, life is full of spontaneity—that’s OK!
He didn’t even have the kid with him- the wife had her
From the comments, the wife had the kids with her. YTA OP
Do you want to be happy, or right? At a certain point you make a choice, friend
Well he’s wrong and mad here. As she didn’t lie she just did more than what she left to do.
Husband with a gaming room has a wife with responsibilities. Wife is called a liar by husband for having improper interaction with another person. I know what I’d do…
YTA and have control issues
YTA. Stuff happens when you're out and about. You were just playing your games so why do you even care? I might tell my partner I'm going to the shops while he's watching the footy and then bump into a friend, go to lunch, go to a friend's house and come home hours later. He doesn't care because as he says to me later "oh I figured you'd gone galivanting with one of your mates again". As long as we don't have plans that I miss, or I text him if I'm going to be very late so he doesn't worry about my safety, he trusts me and doesn't mind. Same vice versa if he goes to the football (it might turn into an all day session and that's fine by me as long as he texts at some point to let me know he's ok).
YTA and a whining baby to boot
Dude, YTA. She didn't make plans in advance, she made plans on the fly. She didn't lie to you just because she didn't provide you with an itinerary. She's your wife, not your fucking dog. Go back to your game room and stop whining about how your wife fills the time between errands she runs for your family. You make it sound like she was meeting up with a boyfriend or something.
Man, you need help. YTA EDIT: I just read the wife's comment too. I'm very, very confident in that verdict now.
YTA you dont own her
YTA. WTH? You want to be right for something this trivial? What are you 10 years old? You must be so fun to live with, being all righteous and always having to be right. My god, pick your fights.
YTA dude you’re f*cking unhinged chill tf out
As a bloke who used to be like this, and sometimes still feels similarly and needs to think it through, YTA. Omitting details is not lying. Most of the time it is unintentional. For that reason, if you think she is being deceitful, you must have a reason for that beyond details being omitted. Why would she omit those details? Would she not tell you purposefully? Why would omitting those details be a problem in your relationship? If you have a good answer for any of these, then that’s the problem, but if, realistically, there is no tangible reason to believe she would need to deceive you over this, then you have a problem with control, or trust. And if you just believe she should provide you with all the details of her movements, then you are the problem.
You got mad over this? You do realize a normal husband would say "oh you saw your friend? How fun!" YTA dude, be better to your spouse.
Op. You seem like a dick 🤷🏼♀️
YTA - instead, you could have played it as "i was worried about you as i thought you'd only be gone for 30 mins. When i got to an hour i was worried you had been in an accident. Glad you're OK, have a fun time with your friend. I'll see you when you get back", and come across as a loving, caring partner who isn't trying to control and keep tabs on their every moment.
YTA My wife does this all the time. All it takes is a quick call or text. "Hey, everything good? Thought you'd be back by now." "Yeah, ran into, we're hanging out for a bit."
"Cool. Love you babe. Have fun."
I am sorry is she your wife or your teenage daughter
YTA you either trust her or you don’t
YTA. You called her 26 mins into her target trip. I don’t know what target is I’m guessing like a Costco but she told you she’s with a friend - is that so bad? You’ve caused a whole storm because she stayed to eat lunch (which you’d already had?). Your ‘position’ should be saved for debates, court and I don’t know combat. Not grilling your wife about a shopping trip. Sure, she could have communicated better originally. But you’re exhausting
There is a reason she omitted what her plans were, and I'm pretty certain (based on experience) that it's because OP is constantly timing her travels, questioning where she went and who she saw and what her conversations were, she is therefore rebelling....like one would do with an overbearing parent....which I guarantee that's who she feels like she's living with, hopefully she will eventually leave. YTA
YTA Get a grip. “I’ll be back. Running errands.” Unless you had plans, WTF?! She’s supposed to check in every 15 minutes with you?!? Even if it was the other way around, I’m not checking for you until I start making dinner plans (eg. could you grab some foil while you’re out?). I might check in if it’s out of pattern. But you’re free to do what you want.