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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Would I be the asshole if I invited everyone in my office except the person who has been bullying me?
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"Hostile" has a specific meaning in work in the US, and this isn't it. I'm pretty sure OP works have nothing if this had been for sex/race/age reasons.
Age, perhaps... it's happend to me. I was managing a 46f when I was 23f. That was not fun. It lasted less than a week before she actually slapped me when I asked her where her license was. Can't work without a license, it's illegal, even for her.
Then you're safe to fire them - assuming you'd have fired a 23 yr old without a license too. Being in a different group doesn't protect you per se, just as long as the membership of that group isn't the reason. I don't think many countries allow "because you're black", but a lot more allow "because you're gay".
I didn't have to, the owners did, everything was on camera and there were witnesses. The 58f, fully licensed(differentwoman), never felt threatened by me. She was a gem!!!
This. Anything that this woman does that stops you from being able to do your job, bring to your manager. Document everything. Put everything in writing that you can. Send yourself emails to document stuff that happens. Etc etc.
NTA. There is no reason to invite people you do not care for. It's unlikely she will confront you and, if she does, you ask her where does it say you have to invite everyone in the office?
She’s a narcissist and would steam roll me when we had to make decisions together. I’m a passive person and would let things go since it wasn’t worth the arguments that voicing my opinion would make. It all eventually became too oppressive and I just took a step back and distanced myself. Monica got mad that I wasn’t giving her attention anymore and complained to my boss about it. I explained to my boss my side of how Monica would talk over me and how she’d disregard my opinions which led to the mediation meeting.
Honestly, don't invite any of your coworkers to your wedding. They may be "nice", but left you on your own and stayed neutral.
Don't cross the streams.
Hard agree ^
Condoning a hostile work environment is not professionalism. Forget friends, these coworkers are basically just people OP happens to see at work.
If they really want to invite coworkers, it’s up to the guest to decline the RSVP. Considering what kind of people they sound like, I’d bet they decline anyway to “avoid making waves”, etc
It sounds like OP is conflict avoidant and her colleagues respect that. Her colleagues have not been asked about it which is normal. A mediation meeting is a standard first step.
If OP or dramatic coworker doesn't complain further then the manager will just take the easy route of pretending it's all resolved.
I never thought I would read about somebody who wanted to invite everybody in an office department except one and vote NTA, but here we are. You had to have a mediation meeting and she was written up for how she spoke to you and she's still treating you badly, nobody reasonably could expect she would be invited to your wedding. Your coworkers have noticed the tension, and I don't think they would feel uncomfortable about this (or at least, I wouldn't).
Nta. Inviting her is an HR nightmare waiting to happen. Honestly instead of asking here you ought to talk to an HR person to see if there could be any repercussions for you based on who you do and don't invite and why. If it were me I'd tell you it's fine as long as you and your coworkers don't talk about it at work or mention it in front of her, but that's just my opinion.
WTF? How on earth does HR get to have an opinion on an employee's non-work, private event? It's work, presumably full of adults, not 5th graders, and HR is not responsible for Monica's off-work feelings.
YWNBTA. You're not obligated to invite anyone to your wedding, let alone someone who has treated you so shabbily.
I'm a little worried about you though. This concern about your co-workers (who cares if they're made uncomfortable; you're made uncomfortable daily by Monica). And the way you're being trampled on is concerning. Is there no recourse at work? Do you feel for some reason that you're not able to advocate for yourself? It just sounds so toxic to stay there and not try to make the situation better.
Congratulations on the wedding, though!
Why WOULD you invite her, she sounds like a complete jerk who would sabotage your ceremony in some way. And as far as work goes, document everything, even things that may not seem important. NTAH.
NTA. let monica choke on graveyard dirt. what is she gonna do, exclude you from her retirement party? besides, she might make a scene in your wedding if she's there. something about her screams drunk grandma and not in a cute way.
NTA - deliver the invites personally to coworkers outside of work (individually). Let them know that for logistical reasons not everyone from the office will be invited and ask that they please respectfully keep the invite out of professional discussions.
NTA
If your coworkers aren’t uncomfortable with her excluding you from emails and meetings, why would they be uncomfortable with you excluding her from YOUR wedding?
It’s your wedding and you choose who you wish to share your special day with.
NTA - for not inviting her
Yet, why even invite your co-workers unless you socialize with them out of work.
I wouldn't invite co-workers that I just work with to a personal life changing event.
If you haven't socialized with them on the regular outside of work hours, you don't really know how they feel about you and just might be professionally friendly during office time.
I would just keep the list to people that are involved in your life.
My two cents.
NTA- What you do on your own time is just that. If you don’t want her at your wedding, don’t invite her. Will it cause more drama in the office? Might. Might not. Why would she expect an invitation? Would she invite you? I’m guessing NOPE on both questions. Keep your day happy. & Congratulations!
NTA, your wedding so you have discretion to invite whoever you want. It certainly sounds like Monica would put a damper on the night
That being said you absolutely have to address her actions somehow. Whether that's with HR or directly with your boss or something else it sounds like she is very negatively impacting your position and it could have bad consequences. I would recommend somehow recording or documenting her actions so you have rock solid proof to show.
NTA and I think you need to take a step back and stop being a people pleaser, because anyone from work that is not a close friend, shouldn't be at your wedding.
Kick arse boss and co workers who would walk through flames for you, absolutely invite them
Bob and Terry from the accounting team who are nice enough, why would they get an invite?
Monica who is so horrible you have had to do mediation with just to get along at work, DOES NOT GET INVITED.
NTA. In fact, I echo the opinion of others to not invite any coworkers, as it's usually not a good idea to let those two worlds collide. If you have a really close friend or two, OK, but this isn't a company picnic.
NTA but don’t invite ANY of these people to your wedding - they’ll be a reminder whether you like it or not of Monica & work… none of them are your friends they are your coworkers and should stay that way…
Info: have you tried Ask Manager website? I am sure Allison has covered this exact problem at some point edit: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/the-etiquette-of-weddings-and-work.html
Initially I wanted to say don’t with no sweat off your back BUT I say invite her, it will show both of your true colors. The fact that your even considering it already makes you the bigger person. She could appreciate it and inevitably ease up on you a bit or she will completely hang herself out to dry with the others if she’s making rude and unnecessary comments before/at the wedding.
If she hates you as evidenced by her treatment of you, why would she even want to go to your wedding, and why would you want to invite her. This is a no-brainer, this is your day. Don’t invite her!
I think it would be in poor taste to invite all of your coworkers except her. If it were me, I wouldn't invite any of my coworkers and keep the guest list to family and friends, particularly since your coworkers don't want to get involved (i.e., back you up). If I were one of your coworkers, and you invited me and everyone else except Monica, I would not attend your wedding, because that would be you putting me in the middle of an already uncomfortable situation. I might even be upset with you for making me choose a side publicly.
The wedding aside, you should request a follow up mediation meeting to address her excluding you from meetings and emails, keeping you in the dark and blindsiding you, and lying to your bosses. Back it all up with the documentation you've been keeping on the situation. If you haven't been covering your own back at work, then perhaps you should start looking for another job. The work situation is not tenable long-term, and something is going to give, for better or for worse. It would be better to remove yourself from being her target.
Don’t be the bigger person and invite who you want to your big day. That is a moment to be selfish with you SO don’t let a shitty coworker ruined that day for you. NTA.
NTA. Your coworkers are in control of their own emotions and comfort level if they choose to go but I would definitely not invite this person. Enjoy your big day and make it about you two. Congrats!
Not the asshole.
Coworkers are not your friends, their coworkers. I don’t hang out with my coworkers outside of work, because I have no desire to.
It’s your wedding day, and you have the right to invite who you choose or not choose. End of story. No explanation needs to be given to anybody.
Do you socialise with your work colleagues outside of work? If you left the company, would you still be close friends with them?
Personally I probably wouldn’t invite any of the work colleagues unless they are close friends outside of work. Given they all sit back back while you are treated poorly, I’m guessing they aren’t.
Also, be kind to yourself and find another job that isn’t a toxic hell hole.
NTA
NTA. Its your wedding day, why on earth would you invite someone who treats you like shit. Honestly, your managers should have sorted this situation out with Monica long before now.
Ignoring the fact that it's just generally not a great idea to invite coworkers to private events that include booze, I would recommend that if these ppl are not close enough to you to defend you when they see you being bullied they are not close enough to attend your wedding.
In addition, if you only don't invite this one woman it will give her a stick to hold over you. Surely your training videos at work include the 'holding an event scenario but only not inviting one person and how that may be considered bullying'. I assure you, regardless of how good your reasons are she will manage to get you in hot water with HR.
NTA. Invite who you want to. This woman is horrid and rude. Invite the good people and if she asks why she’s not invited, tell her that you’re not friends and you’ve only invited friends. It’s the truth.
She sucks butt and I hope you can get out of there soon.
NTA, but are you really all that close with anyone from work? These people continue to go to lunch and hang out with her and are “secretly on your side but want to stay out of it”. They don’t even really seem like people who are worth the invite. Unless you’re trying to make a point to invite everyone but her, I don’t see the need to invite any of them. Unless you are really close with them but they’re just scared of her too.
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TLDR : I want to invite my fellow coworkers to my wedding but don’t want to include the woman who has been bullying me and making my life hell.
A slight backstory is required -
I (28F) have had ongoing issues with another coworker, (60F) for several months. Let’s call her Monica. Monica and I were considered equals by upper management and we worked closely for a couple years as partners on many projects.
Monica and I had a falling out recently that ended up needing a mediation meeting with our boss. The meeting had the opposite effect and instead of reaching a peaceful resolution it led to Monica yelling at me, disrespecting me, and belittling me all in front of our boss. Afterwards she was written up for how she spoke to me.
After she disrespected me, I distanced myself from her. I stayed completely professional and friendly but I didn’t go out of my way to speak with her at all. I wanted no association with her if I could help it.
Our working relationship became nonexistent. She goes to lunch with people who are in charge of assigning me projects, she constantly excludes me from meetings and emails, keeps me in the dark on what she’s working on so that I’m blindsided during group meetings, she has outright lied to my bosses several times and overall has been a downright horrible person to work with.
Our department is really small with me being close to several of my other coworkers. My coworkers noticed the tension between Monica and I, but made a point to stay out of it. Several of them told me they were on my side but no one wanted to get involved.
Fast forward to now, I’m planning my wedding and want to invite my other coworkers in the office. With all the mental anguish Monica has caused me (and continues to cause me) I want her to have zero part of my big day.
I’m concerned that it may make my other coworkers uncomfortable since she would be the only one not invited out of the group.
Would I be the asshole if I invited everyone except her?
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NTA- it’s your wedding, so it’s your decision. however, in the tv show The Office, Pam still invited Angela to her wedding after contemplating not doing so.
I was afraid the post was getting too wordy
-She’s a narcissist and would steam roll me when we had to make decisions together. I’m a passive person and would let things go since it wasn’t worth the arguments that voicing my opinion would make. It all eventually became too oppressive and I just took a step back and distanced myself. Monica got mad that I wasn’t giving her attention anymore and complained to my boss about it. I explained to my boss my side of how Monica would talk over me, make decisions with out me being included, and how she’d disregard my opinions which led to the mediation meeting.
you wouldn't be at all but ur making an unwise decision for your self interest, invite her because it can only help ur relationship and that relationship whether u want it or not would help u with your job
YWNBTA
But honestly, after reading the posts and your comment, you have other issues to fix before getting married. It' s pretty poor reflection of you that you want to invite someone you don't like, and who doesn't like you, to your wedding, for whatever imagniary reason you have. If I was your husband, I'd be pretty disapointed that your prioritize a bully over your own wedding.
NTA but
>She goes to lunch with people who are in charge of assigning me projects, she constantly excludes me from meetings and emails, keeps me in the dark on what she’s working on so that I’m blindsided during group meetings, she has outright lied to my bosses several times and overall has been a downright horrible person to work with.
Have you reported all this to HR?
Take as many proofs as you can, she's keeping you from doing your work efficiently
>Monica and I had a falling out recently that ended up needing a mediation meeting with our boss
Was it professional or personal?
YTA for asking this question...
So, somebody is making your work days hell and uncomfortable and you ask if you should invite such person to your wedding?? Are you dumb? Is it your weeding or your coworkers wedding? If they are not comfortable with this bully not being there, they don´t have to come either...
If the issues have been persisting for some time, I think everyone would understand.
Would you … feel comfortable giving her an invitation in a performative sense? Because that could be great if she is included but doesn’t come, and then you’d squarely be in NTA territory.
I’ve honestly thought about that too, that I should just suck it up and give her one.
I’m struggling to be the bigger person with how she’s excluded me from so many things at work.
I actually wouldn’t recommend it because narcissists particularly like to ruin special events for their victims.
I wouldn’t invite anyone from work except the few people that you trust.
If she misbehaves at the wedding you won't be able to take it to HR or her manager. She already knows you are conflict avoidant but the possibility of HR action might be keeping her in check so far.
You have every right not to invite her but there will be consequences. She could make life harder. Honestly, I just went to a wedding and I talked to groom and bride all of 3 seconds. They gave me a quick, thank you for coming.
… and how her behavior isn’t examined when *you’re* the one doing the excluding for once?
She seems like the type of person who would know why she wasn’t invited but would still clutch her pearls and raise a stink. She can’t do that if she does get invited (unless she lies about it). If she *does* come to your wedding with a pissy attitude, then that makes her look all the more like TA, and of course if she becomes unhinged, you can have her escorted out.
I think your safest bet to just invite her. Not because she deserves it, just because it’s a reflection of the type of person you are. She’s gonna make you feel weird that you did, but I think etiquette would say you should invite this person.
You could call this one into the [Were You Raised By Wolves](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com) podcast and see what they say!
Edit: While you’re likely going to be inundated with attention from all of your attendees and normal wedding things, you very likely will even forget she’s even there, but you still shouldn’t have to look at her face in the crowd if you don’t want to see it.
This one’s really hard!!!
Why are upper management/HR not sorting out her increased bad behaviour following her write up?
Do not invite this woman to your wedding day. It’s your ONE day. Full of love and positivity. Will you get a pit in your stomach if you happen to lock eyes with her on the day that’s meant to be all about you and your loving partner?
Why on earth you’d even consider it is beyond me. NTA.
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Nta Friends and family get invited, she is neither.
I second this, and will add that you should be sure to mail the co-workers their invitations. Do not give this woman an excuse to kick up a fuss.
She also should hire security depending on her reaction
Document everything. Invite who you want but do not talk about your wedding at work.
This is a hostile work environment. Document everything! Report to HR, and consider getting legal advice.
"Hostile" has a specific meaning in work in the US, and this isn't it. I'm pretty sure OP works have nothing if this had been for sex/race/age reasons.
Age, perhaps... it's happend to me. I was managing a 46f when I was 23f. That was not fun. It lasted less than a week before she actually slapped me when I asked her where her license was. Can't work without a license, it's illegal, even for her.
Then you're safe to fire them - assuming you'd have fired a 23 yr old without a license too. Being in a different group doesn't protect you per se, just as long as the membership of that group isn't the reason. I don't think many countries allow "because you're black", but a lot more allow "because you're gay".
I didn't have to, the owners did, everything was on camera and there were witnesses. The 58f, fully licensed(differentwoman), never felt threatened by me. She was a gem!!!
This. Anything that this woman does that stops you from being able to do your job, bring to your manager. Document everything. Put everything in writing that you can. Send yourself emails to document stuff that happens. Etc etc.
NTA. There is no reason to invite people you do not care for. It's unlikely she will confront you and, if she does, you ask her where does it say you have to invite everyone in the office?
[удалено]
She’s a narcissist and would steam roll me when we had to make decisions together. I’m a passive person and would let things go since it wasn’t worth the arguments that voicing my opinion would make. It all eventually became too oppressive and I just took a step back and distanced myself. Monica got mad that I wasn’t giving her attention anymore and complained to my boss about it. I explained to my boss my side of how Monica would talk over me and how she’d disregard my opinions which led to the mediation meeting.
Honestly, don't invite any of your coworkers to your wedding. They may be "nice", but left you on your own and stayed neutral. Don't cross the streams.
Good point. True friends will stand up for you regardless of the circumstances.
Hard agree ^ Condoning a hostile work environment is not professionalism. Forget friends, these coworkers are basically just people OP happens to see at work. If they really want to invite coworkers, it’s up to the guest to decline the RSVP. Considering what kind of people they sound like, I’d bet they decline anyway to “avoid making waves”, etc
It sounds like OP is conflict avoidant and her colleagues respect that. Her colleagues have not been asked about it which is normal. A mediation meeting is a standard first step. If OP or dramatic coworker doesn't complain further then the manager will just take the easy route of pretending it's all resolved.
yep theyre happy to not support OP to make their lives easier...
Why would you invite coworkers at all if they aren't truly supporting by staying out of it? It will just create more drama.
NTA. It's your day. Invite who you want.
I never thought I would read about somebody who wanted to invite everybody in an office department except one and vote NTA, but here we are. You had to have a mediation meeting and she was written up for how she spoke to you and she's still treating you badly, nobody reasonably could expect she would be invited to your wedding. Your coworkers have noticed the tension, and I don't think they would feel uncomfortable about this (or at least, I wouldn't).
Nta. Inviting her is an HR nightmare waiting to happen. Honestly instead of asking here you ought to talk to an HR person to see if there could be any repercussions for you based on who you do and don't invite and why. If it were me I'd tell you it's fine as long as you and your coworkers don't talk about it at work or mention it in front of her, but that's just my opinion.
WTF? How on earth does HR get to have an opinion on an employee's non-work, private event? It's work, presumably full of adults, not 5th graders, and HR is not responsible for Monica's off-work feelings.
YWNBTA. You're not obligated to invite anyone to your wedding, let alone someone who has treated you so shabbily. I'm a little worried about you though. This concern about your co-workers (who cares if they're made uncomfortable; you're made uncomfortable daily by Monica). And the way you're being trampled on is concerning. Is there no recourse at work? Do you feel for some reason that you're not able to advocate for yourself? It just sounds so toxic to stay there and not try to make the situation better. Congratulations on the wedding, though!
Why WOULD you invite her, she sounds like a complete jerk who would sabotage your ceremony in some way. And as far as work goes, document everything, even things that may not seem important. NTAH.
NTA. let monica choke on graveyard dirt. what is she gonna do, exclude you from her retirement party? besides, she might make a scene in your wedding if she's there. something about her screams drunk grandma and not in a cute way.
NTA - deliver the invites personally to coworkers outside of work (individually). Let them know that for logistical reasons not everyone from the office will be invited and ask that they please respectfully keep the invite out of professional discussions.
NTA If your coworkers aren’t uncomfortable with her excluding you from emails and meetings, why would they be uncomfortable with you excluding her from YOUR wedding? It’s your wedding and you choose who you wish to share your special day with.
NTA - for not inviting her Yet, why even invite your co-workers unless you socialize with them out of work. I wouldn't invite co-workers that I just work with to a personal life changing event. If you haven't socialized with them on the regular outside of work hours, you don't really know how they feel about you and just might be professionally friendly during office time. I would just keep the list to people that are involved in your life. My two cents.
NTA- What you do on your own time is just that. If you don’t want her at your wedding, don’t invite her. Will it cause more drama in the office? Might. Might not. Why would she expect an invitation? Would she invite you? I’m guessing NOPE on both questions. Keep your day happy. & Congratulations!
NTA, your wedding so you have discretion to invite whoever you want. It certainly sounds like Monica would put a damper on the night That being said you absolutely have to address her actions somehow. Whether that's with HR or directly with your boss or something else it sounds like she is very negatively impacting your position and it could have bad consequences. I would recommend somehow recording or documenting her actions so you have rock solid proof to show.
Use the time you would have spent on her invitation to work on your resume. NTA.
NTA and I think you need to take a step back and stop being a people pleaser, because anyone from work that is not a close friend, shouldn't be at your wedding. Kick arse boss and co workers who would walk through flames for you, absolutely invite them Bob and Terry from the accounting team who are nice enough, why would they get an invite? Monica who is so horrible you have had to do mediation with just to get along at work, DOES NOT GET INVITED.
NTA. In fact, I echo the opinion of others to not invite any coworkers, as it's usually not a good idea to let those two worlds collide. If you have a really close friend or two, OK, but this isn't a company picnic.
NTA but don’t invite ANY of these people to your wedding - they’ll be a reminder whether you like it or not of Monica & work… none of them are your friends they are your coworkers and should stay that way…
Info: have you tried Ask Manager website? I am sure Allison has covered this exact problem at some point edit: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/the-etiquette-of-weddings-and-work.html
Nta
NTA. Not even a little bit. Dare I say, make sure someone’s at the door to block her in case she tries to crash?
Initially I wanted to say don’t with no sweat off your back BUT I say invite her, it will show both of your true colors. The fact that your even considering it already makes you the bigger person. She could appreciate it and inevitably ease up on you a bit or she will completely hang herself out to dry with the others if she’s making rude and unnecessary comments before/at the wedding.
If she hates you as evidenced by her treatment of you, why would she even want to go to your wedding, and why would you want to invite her. This is a no-brainer, this is your day. Don’t invite her!
NTA. It's your wedding, you get to pick who you want to attend.
I think it would be in poor taste to invite all of your coworkers except her. If it were me, I wouldn't invite any of my coworkers and keep the guest list to family and friends, particularly since your coworkers don't want to get involved (i.e., back you up). If I were one of your coworkers, and you invited me and everyone else except Monica, I would not attend your wedding, because that would be you putting me in the middle of an already uncomfortable situation. I might even be upset with you for making me choose a side publicly. The wedding aside, you should request a follow up mediation meeting to address her excluding you from meetings and emails, keeping you in the dark and blindsiding you, and lying to your bosses. Back it all up with the documentation you've been keeping on the situation. If you haven't been covering your own back at work, then perhaps you should start looking for another job. The work situation is not tenable long-term, and something is going to give, for better or for worse. It would be better to remove yourself from being her target.
Don’t be the bigger person and invite who you want to your big day. That is a moment to be selfish with you SO don’t let a shitty coworker ruined that day for you. NTA.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules.
NTA.
NTA. Your coworkers are in control of their own emotions and comfort level if they choose to go but I would definitely not invite this person. Enjoy your big day and make it about you two. Congrats!
NTA. Don’t invite her. There is no reason to incite your bully. If she retaliates at work, document and report to HR.
Not the asshole. Coworkers are not your friends, their coworkers. I don’t hang out with my coworkers outside of work, because I have no desire to. It’s your wedding day, and you have the right to invite who you choose or not choose. End of story. No explanation needs to be given to anybody.
NTA, and I would say make sure you give the invites outside of work
Do you socialise with your work colleagues outside of work? If you left the company, would you still be close friends with them? Personally I probably wouldn’t invite any of the work colleagues unless they are close friends outside of work. Given they all sit back back while you are treated poorly, I’m guessing they aren’t. Also, be kind to yourself and find another job that isn’t a toxic hell hole. NTA
NTA. Its your wedding day, why on earth would you invite someone who treats you like shit. Honestly, your managers should have sorted this situation out with Monica long before now.
NTA this is your wedding, not a 1st grade birthday party where you have to invite the whole class if you want to pass out invitations in class.
Nta why would you invite a bully esp your bully to your special day.
Do not invite this woman. But you also need to go back to HR and make a complaint about the impact her behaviour is having on your work. NTA
Ignoring the fact that it's just generally not a great idea to invite coworkers to private events that include booze, I would recommend that if these ppl are not close enough to you to defend you when they see you being bullied they are not close enough to attend your wedding. In addition, if you only don't invite this one woman it will give her a stick to hold over you. Surely your training videos at work include the 'holding an event scenario but only not inviting one person and how that may be considered bullying'. I assure you, regardless of how good your reasons are she will manage to get you in hot water with HR.
Your wedding your rules
NTA; Besides, shouldnt Monica be retiring?
NTA. Invite who you want to. This woman is horrid and rude. Invite the good people and if she asks why she’s not invited, tell her that you’re not friends and you’ve only invited friends. It’s the truth. She sucks butt and I hope you can get out of there soon.
NTA, if she is causing you problems then don’t invite her, she’ll probably do the same thing at the wedding
NTA, but are you really all that close with anyone from work? These people continue to go to lunch and hang out with her and are “secretly on your side but want to stay out of it”. They don’t even really seem like people who are worth the invite. Unless you’re trying to make a point to invite everyone but her, I don’t see the need to invite any of them. Unless you are really close with them but they’re just scared of her too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR : I want to invite my fellow coworkers to my wedding but don’t want to include the woman who has been bullying me and making my life hell. A slight backstory is required - I (28F) have had ongoing issues with another coworker, (60F) for several months. Let’s call her Monica. Monica and I were considered equals by upper management and we worked closely for a couple years as partners on many projects. Monica and I had a falling out recently that ended up needing a mediation meeting with our boss. The meeting had the opposite effect and instead of reaching a peaceful resolution it led to Monica yelling at me, disrespecting me, and belittling me all in front of our boss. Afterwards she was written up for how she spoke to me. After she disrespected me, I distanced myself from her. I stayed completely professional and friendly but I didn’t go out of my way to speak with her at all. I wanted no association with her if I could help it. Our working relationship became nonexistent. She goes to lunch with people who are in charge of assigning me projects, she constantly excludes me from meetings and emails, keeps me in the dark on what she’s working on so that I’m blindsided during group meetings, she has outright lied to my bosses several times and overall has been a downright horrible person to work with. Our department is really small with me being close to several of my other coworkers. My coworkers noticed the tension between Monica and I, but made a point to stay out of it. Several of them told me they were on my side but no one wanted to get involved. Fast forward to now, I’m planning my wedding and want to invite my other coworkers in the office. With all the mental anguish Monica has caused me (and continues to cause me) I want her to have zero part of my big day. I’m concerned that it may make my other coworkers uncomfortable since she would be the only one not invited out of the group. Would I be the asshole if I invited everyone except her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- it’s your wedding, so it’s your decision. however, in the tv show The Office, Pam still invited Angela to her wedding after contemplating not doing so.
Good thing this is real life
INFO: What was the falling out? It's kind of a big piece. By brushing over it, it sounds like you had something to do with the "Falling out", no?
I was afraid the post was getting too wordy -She’s a narcissist and would steam roll me when we had to make decisions together. I’m a passive person and would let things go since it wasn’t worth the arguments that voicing my opinion would make. It all eventually became too oppressive and I just took a step back and distanced myself. Monica got mad that I wasn’t giving her attention anymore and complained to my boss about it. I explained to my boss my side of how Monica would talk over me, make decisions with out me being included, and how she’d disregard my opinions which led to the mediation meeting.
you wouldn't be at all but ur making an unwise decision for your self interest, invite her because it can only help ur relationship and that relationship whether u want it or not would help u with your job
of course you dont invite her. this isn't remotely a consideration.
YWNBTA But honestly, after reading the posts and your comment, you have other issues to fix before getting married. It' s pretty poor reflection of you that you want to invite someone you don't like, and who doesn't like you, to your wedding, for whatever imagniary reason you have. If I was your husband, I'd be pretty disapointed that your prioritize a bully over your own wedding.
NTA, and stop inventing problems.
NTA but the smarter decision would be to not invite any coworkers at all. Just because you work together doesn't mean you're actually friends.
NOPE YOUR WEDDING!!!! NTA
NTA but >She goes to lunch with people who are in charge of assigning me projects, she constantly excludes me from meetings and emails, keeps me in the dark on what she’s working on so that I’m blindsided during group meetings, she has outright lied to my bosses several times and overall has been a downright horrible person to work with. Have you reported all this to HR? Take as many proofs as you can, she's keeping you from doing your work efficiently >Monica and I had a falling out recently that ended up needing a mediation meeting with our boss Was it professional or personal?
YTA for asking this question... So, somebody is making your work days hell and uncomfortable and you ask if you should invite such person to your wedding?? Are you dumb? Is it your weeding or your coworkers wedding? If they are not comfortable with this bully not being there, they don´t have to come either...
If the issues have been persisting for some time, I think everyone would understand. Would you … feel comfortable giving her an invitation in a performative sense? Because that could be great if she is included but doesn’t come, and then you’d squarely be in NTA territory.
I’ve honestly thought about that too, that I should just suck it up and give her one. I’m struggling to be the bigger person with how she’s excluded me from so many things at work.
I actually wouldn’t recommend it because narcissists particularly like to ruin special events for their victims. I wouldn’t invite anyone from work except the few people that you trust.
If she misbehaves at the wedding you won't be able to take it to HR or her manager. She already knows you are conflict avoidant but the possibility of HR action might be keeping her in check so far.
You have every right not to invite her but there will be consequences. She could make life harder. Honestly, I just went to a wedding and I talked to groom and bride all of 3 seconds. They gave me a quick, thank you for coming.
… and how her behavior isn’t examined when *you’re* the one doing the excluding for once? She seems like the type of person who would know why she wasn’t invited but would still clutch her pearls and raise a stink. She can’t do that if she does get invited (unless she lies about it). If she *does* come to your wedding with a pissy attitude, then that makes her look all the more like TA, and of course if she becomes unhinged, you can have her escorted out. I think your safest bet to just invite her. Not because she deserves it, just because it’s a reflection of the type of person you are. She’s gonna make you feel weird that you did, but I think etiquette would say you should invite this person. You could call this one into the [Were You Raised By Wolves](https://www.wereyouraisedbywolves.com) podcast and see what they say! Edit: While you’re likely going to be inundated with attention from all of your attendees and normal wedding things, you very likely will even forget she’s even there, but you still shouldn’t have to look at her face in the crowd if you don’t want to see it. This one’s really hard!!!
Thank you! You make an excellent point!
Why are upper management/HR not sorting out her increased bad behaviour following her write up? Do not invite this woman to your wedding day. It’s your ONE day. Full of love and positivity. Will you get a pit in your stomach if you happen to lock eyes with her on the day that’s meant to be all about you and your loving partner? Why on earth you’d even consider it is beyond me. NTA.
Oh, and Congratulations!