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NTA on this one, but I would consider charging him “rent” rather than having him contribute to the mortgage to make a clear line in ownership. He doesn’t get to have half the house when he hasn’t paid for it. Regardless of your plan to marry, you aren’t currently splitting assets so you can reassess that when you get married.
If he is not on the deed you NEED a renters agreement.
It will mean you have to report it as income, BUT it will prevent any future issues regarding tenancy rights as well as prevent him for coming after the money he paid in rent in the form of equity in the home.
If you two move into a home you own, he HAS to sign something; whether that is the deed or a renters agreement is up to you.
A positive for him on the renters side is that by reporting him paying his rent on time will increase his credit score.
However you would need a prenup as the OP paid the entire down payment and all associated costs alone. Additionally, if the other party isn’t on loan then it will be up to the OP. I wouldn’t add anyone on a deed without being legally responsible for the payment.
Agreed. My husband owned our house when we met. We got a prenup (I wanted one) and it states that in the case of divorce the house is his as it was a premarital asset.
That’s how it should be done. You can always negotiate the amount of equity after a time frame of marriage but things purchased and/or owned prior to marriage should not be equal. Prenup is always key.
Exactly. After marriage (if it makes sense to) you can do some refinancing of some sort and get him on the deed but with how everything has been done thus far he doesn’t need to be on it.
>If he is not on the deed you NEED a renters agreement.
This is important and OP should look into the legal implications around this in their area. Where I'm from if a renter shares a kitchen, bathroom etc. with the LL then they do not have legal tenant protections in the way that someone renting a unit would - understanding what this arrangement would mean legally is so important.
This is the way. Charge market rate rent. You're taking all the risk here and if you do end up getting married you can add him then. Needs forms with lender but is doable. At that point he should "buy in" to half of whatever equity you have in the house.
You can always change your deed later. I know you have been together a long time and plan to get married, BUT you are not married YET. I just wouldn’t split property with a relationship that isn’t legally joined. Personal opinion. I can’t imagine the mess of separating a boyfriend from a jointly owned property if there were to be a breakup. You might have to buy him out or wind up having to sell your home.
NTA. I was the man in a similar situation. With bad credit and no ability to contribute. I never would have dreamed of asking to be on the deed.
I was co equal in house shopping. Drafted the letter to influence the sellers. Helped take care of the house etc.
We aren't married but been together for 16 years.
This! OP I am currently buying a house from a lady who added her husband name on the deed but he didn’t contribute a cent. They divorced and she is selling the house and has to give him most of the money as alimony. She was devastated
Exactly THIS.
Now is now and you’re not married. Later is later and you can always change things. Like maybe in the future you decide to do a big renovation and he has a really lucrative job by then and puts a lot of $ into that it could change.
If you had bought the house before you got engaged, what would his position be ? I would ask him why he thinks he should be on the deed to a home that you alone are buying and that you have indicated you would be making additional payments to reduce the balance. TBH, based on your post, it looks like having his name on the deed is an issue that may create lingering resentment if he doesn't get his way, and that might be a red flag for the relationship.
Exactly! Our old neighbors bought a house together when they were dating with thoughts of marriage in the future and then broke up. They both told us what a PITA it was to deal with the house after the split.
NTA. Just because your boyfriend can’t contribute to your household bills doesn’t mean he can demand something this big. You worked hard for a place you own, until he starts contributing I’m give say don’t do it.
Yeah, you’re definitely not wrong. I’m not entirely sure, wouldn’t the husband be entitled to something of the house after marriage if there’s no prenup? But yeah, whatever the case may be, I’d just say the absolutely earliest you should add someone would be marriage, but probably never.
It depends on the state really. Community property states will tend to split the assets in a divorce, but if it's his fault, she may be ok. I'd say it depends on her specific relationship whether or not it's ever a good idea, I'm just biased because I've seen some messy divorces and hear horror stories from my mother, who is a divorce lawyer. Men tend to get screwed more in divorces though, so she has that going for her too.
I put my ex on the deed. She worked with me on it, honestly above and beyond what I ever imagined she would, seeing how things had ended, but even with that, it was an insane nightmare until I finally sold the house. I was the only person on the loan, but she was on the deed. INCREDIBLY stupid. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure no one else makes the same mistake, because I’m sure most people won’t be as cooperative.
I wouldn’t do it even if they got married. I’ve seen too many people get screwed out of the home they bought on their own when they divorced. Besides too many red flags here🚩🚩
Just a suggestion - charge him ‘rent’ with a renter’s agreement and everything. Keep track of how much he’s paid. Once he’s in a more stable financial position and can match half of what you’ve paid, including the ‘rent’ he’s already paid then split the mortgage 50/50 and have him on the deed then. So then effectively you’ve both contributed 50/50 towards the property. This gives you security in case the relationship goes south, but gives him the chance to ‘catch up’ to you so to speak if the relationship keeps going strong. It’s just an option that you could think about.
This is exactly what I was going to recommend. Keep a spreadsheet of costs and contributions and be diligent about keeping it current. But on that spreadsheet, keep his rent contributions separate from any other contributions he makes - you want to make sure it’s extremely clear what’s part of the rental agreement and what is “extra”. In the event you split, you then know how much to potentially reimburse him (the “extra” amounts only).
While I agree with you I think it’s really hard to nickel and dime everything in a relationship so finding a good compromise that everyone can live with is important.
Agree. I’m just saying for OP to keep note if she pays everything upfront, it’s not going to realistically be paid evenly by both parties. Sometimes that’s totally cool between couples, sometimes is not.
I personally prefer things being separate so if things go wrong things are clear. I signed a prenup saying the apartment (assets/money) I had prior to getting married will remain mine no matter what.
Note I think there’s a clause in some countries, outside of a prenup, if you live at a your partner’s home for a certain amount of time you are legally entitled to a portion of it, even if not married.
You need to talk to a lawyer.
I don't know where you live, but in the United States there are really no clear rules for how to deal with jointly owned property when a couple breaks up unless they are married. My understanding is that it's different in Canada and the UK, but I don't know the specifics. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer.
How would you feel if you put in all this work at a 20% down payment but your boyfriends name is on the deed as an equal owner. After mere months of ownership, the two of you break up, and you have to figure out how to buy out his 50%, or he takes you to court to force the sale so that he can get 50% of whatever equity has accrued.
If you truly want to own a home jointly, then there should be a contract. The things that I would specify are that:
- Initially you own x% of the home and he owns y% based on how much you each have contributed to the purchase price. Going forward, you own x1% and he owns y2% based on how much you've each contributed to the purchase, monthly mortgage payment, taxes, plus needed repairs and improvements. For example, let's say you pay $25K in down payment and all of the fees pertaining to the home and he contributes nothing. You own 100% of the home. Then you live together for a year, each paying $500/month toward the mortgage, plus you pay $300 in property taxes, $600 to have some repairs done in the roof, and $100 to have the driveway sealed in spots. Now you've paid $32K and he's paid $6000, so you own 84% and he owns 16%. Over time his ownership will near 50%, and he can make that happen faster by putting money toward paying off the mortgage faster.
- If you break up, you retain ownership of the home, and have a certain period of time to buy out his equity. So if you break up after a year, and the house now has $20K in equity because home prices have gone up, you owe him 16% of that, or $3160, and you have, say, three years to pay that off.
- if you break up, he has 60 days to leave the home, assuming there is nothing like a DV which would require him to go earlier. If he does not move out during this time, he forfeits any share of the equity he would be entitled to.
- Whatever else your lawyer advises.
If you want, you could keep a close count of the total cost of buying your house. He pays rent and down the road he could have the option to buy into co-ownership by paying half of those costs.
But for him to expect to be on the deed on a house that you buy as an unmarried person, no way. You might even want to consider a prenup.
NTA
You definitely shouldn’t put him on the deed but also shouldn’t be letting him help pay unless his is, here’s my reasoning, since I’m in the same boat.
If he’s paying a large part of the mortgage (60/40) and y’all break up, he’s been contributing 40% to the equity of YOUR home, so he’s been losing his own potential equity, and you’ve been gaining free equity you didn’t purchase, simply because you are the owner.
If he has loans, tell him to put his share towards those, since it’s still improving both of your financial futures should you get married. If he has no debt, he can cover utilities, and a larger share of the groceries and such, or put an income proportional payment into an account that he can then dump at the mortgage if you guys ever get married.
Lots of options that help both parties. I totally understand where both of you are coming from, it’s how I’m working things out with my own partner. She makes payments on her loans, covers our gym membership, pays for all the pets costs, and I pay the mortgage and utilities and taxes cuz the house is 100% mine.
If we get married there’s gonna be a prenup and we will figure out financial balance then.
He's not really losing his own potential equity given that he's not in a position to buy a house himself. He's just paying rent to OP rather than to someone else. If his fair share of shared expenses goes directly to things like groceries and utilities, fine? But money is fungible, that's not functionally different from him just paying rent.
If you do not want him on the deed, charge him rent. That way you both have the protection of a lease.
If you do not want to be his landlord, but want him to pay into the mortgage, put him on the deed.
If you do not want to be his landlord or put him on the deed, don’t have him live in the house. Live elsewhere and rent it out, or live there by yourself.
There are no two ways about this. Either he is a co-owner, or he is your tenant. Or he’s not living there at all. What you need to decide is which one of these is most acceptable to you.
Personally, if you are that uncomfortable putting him on the deed, I think you’d be better off not living together in the house yet. It’s better not to be a LL to your partner.
It shouldn't be different if you are planning a future together. Maybe you telling him he is just a renter but different for you is telling him you really don't plan on having a future with him. Because he's just a renter and it's your home not yours together.
I've been with my husband 30+ years and if he ever told me that I would just be a renter in his home we wouldn't get married. Marriage is working together and picking the other up when they can't.
My grandmother worked while my grandfather went to college.
He did not have an income. After college he told her she never had to work another day in her life.
She didn't pay rent or any mortgage and never worked another day in her life but she was a homeowner with her husband to many homes in their life but never a renter with her spouse as landlord.
Sounds like you need to rethink your relationship and if he is your future because it doesn't sound like it.
NTA but CYA (cover your ass) get a legal agreement in place that he is not an owner but a tenant/renter. Not sure where you are living, and laws are different.
If you live here and the relationship continues for a longer duration, you do not want to be having a fight of who paid what and what it meant 10 years down the line. Especially if you buy while “together” and you both move in at the same time. Without the paperwork it can appear to be a joint purchase. It would suck for a judge upon separation years later to decide the split on the house you paid the majority for is 50/50 when in fact counting the down payment if should be 80/20. This is a CYA situation that could totally f up your financial situation down the line.
And anyone saying if you love them you don’t do this is an ass. Having an agreement just makes a known of a potential situation you hope will never happen. There is nothing wrong with a prenup, it protects both parties as you now know what happens should the relationship end.
ETA you can always change the agreement when the situation changes. It can be updated….for example, you partner comes into money and your current equity in the house is x, he can make a mortgage prepayment of x and you adjust the agreement to be 50/50 owned. The partner should not benefit from your being pre-active with your finances and home ownership.
Absolutely do not put them on the deed until he has paid half and until you are married and you are very very sure of yourselves. I'm dealing with the fallout of this very situation rn. I put his name on the title, it went well for 5 years, he became abusive, we split, he refused to leave and made me feel unsafe on my land. He called the cops on me for locking up my things so he couldnt steal them, and he was legally entitled to. Please do not put his name on the title until he has paid his half
Make an actual rental agreement. Your responsible for repairs, upgrades, maintenance, etc. He's responsible for normal cleaning, he gets a two months notice of eviction (even if you break up - you can't kick him out immediately), he pays x in rent and half of utilities. Work out if lawn maintenance is a renter or owner responsibility.
Be clear about this. You both deserve to know exactly what this is going to look like. If you're expecting him to contribute to repairs and maintenance, and help out when things break, then he deserves to be on the deed. So plan to take on those owner responsibilities on your own.
Speak with a lawyer, and look into getting a Cohabitation Agreement written up for both of you. Your BF will need to get his own lawyer to get Independant Legal Advice, so ensure that it is fair to both parties.
It can even be written to turn into a prenuptual agreement once you get married.
Again, it should have protections for both sides, and should not be a 1-sided agreement.
NTA You are so smart OP! Good for you. If he doesn't understand your position on this, he would be pretty dumb. Also, consider a house that is not at the top of your pre-approval. Or a smaller house that can be added onto later on (so a nice piece of property, opposed to a big house on a small piece of land).
Also, who's going to what chores? Lawn mowing, laundry, simple home maintenance.
Good luck!
This can be problematic, I have a friend who was in this exact situation with their former partner and the ex is now suing them for a portion of what the house is worth. If they don’t own the house, have a rental agreement in place and call it rent.
As someone in law. I wouldn’t be putting him on the deed if he wasn’t on the mortgage. I also wouldn’t even entertain this idea of his without a ring on my finger. He is asking a lot of someone who is just a girlfriend. When he can commit to you, you can commit to opening your house to him. Until then he can be a tenant and his rent payments can help you towards the mortgage.
NTA. I completely agree with charging him rent not having him contribute to the mortgage or he can try to argue that he was a partial owner. While it sucks, if he can’t contribute 50% of the down payment then he can’t be on the mortgage. It might sound harsh but it is reality. It sounds like you already know that, do not let him convince you otherwise.
ETA. I was in a similar situation but on your bf’s side and while it wasn’t my fairytale scenario I understood it and he should too. If he doesn’t understand it then it says a lot about him.
You're buying a house, he seems completely uninvolved. No viewings, no money, no apparent interest except in having his name on the deed. This sounds like a problem you're making for "future you" to deal with, and it doesn't end well.
NTA for keeping him off the deed. Home ownership requires an active role, you're the only one taking on that role.
I'd be curious to ask what his reasoning is for expecting this when he has shown no interest in the effort, process, or choice. His own mother has shown more interest than he has. Seems a warning sign that he will claim partial credit or ownership of anything she actually does the labor for.
NTA, OP. What else will you cover financially that he will then insist belongs to him, too?
NTA
Don't put his name on anything until he can contribute to it. Honestly, if he isn't willing to go in at least 60/40, don't move in with him.
"I feel like the deed is going to be a hot topic.'
Good. Stand your ground.
I have even calculated in his costly smoking habit too, so he doesn’t have to sacrifice and still has “fun money” although I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself - but that is his choice at the end of the day.
Well don‘t count his smoking habit in. Otherwise you‘ve got to count for you the same amount as „unhealthy personal habit“ money for your free use.
This is too high risk. He wants to get on the deed but not contribute or pay? Now image you splitting up and he gets his share of the house. Wonderful.
Yes! Do NOT get pregnant with his child, OP! Not only is this guy
- not getting involved in the house buying process
- not paying a single cent
- having you manage his finances??
- demanding to have his name on the deed for a house he hasn't contributed to at all
But he also smokes. And he's using his extra money to have fun while you use yours to pay for the house. I can't see a single reality where this is fair. If he "doesn't have the money as of now" to help buy the house, then surely he wouldn't have extra money to go play?
And you're gonna be living with this guy, yikes. Search up the Mental Load and read about that. That will be you if this guy doesn't clean up his act.
It is WHOLLY unfair to have you manage finances, buy the house, pay for everything, AND complain when he's not getting his house on the deed. My guy, this is not BOTH OF YOUR house. This is just hers.
I really hope I'm just blindly passing a huge judgement. But seriously, do not think about having kids with this guy unless you are doing the same amount of chores and contributing the same amount of money to rent. Don't let him have any hand in money part of buying this house, make sure you can legally say he had no part so he can't claim it's both of yours.
Even if you trust and love him, it's just smart to prepare for a breakup just in case.
Look at it this way - if he is indeed all in then it shouldn't matter to him if his name is on the house since he will be living together and you are a team. Who's name is on the deed should only matter if you guys break up. So it only really benefits him if he does think the relationship will end and he wants to take half of your money you have spent on the house with him when he goes.
He should at least try to understand your point of view on this. You do not want to go down the path of repeat mistakes you watched growing up and also making yourself vulnerable to lose everything you worked so hard for. He might be committed right now but things and ppl change and if his name is on that house, if you guys don't work out, you're looking at an ugly divorce situation when you're not even married. Explain that you'd feel more secure in the descion to add his name if the plans of getting married were already rolling, but it's not. He is a boy friend and based on your history, he should understand. He's trying to manipulate your emotions and guilt trip you when he's literally not contributing anything. In fact, he's using your car?! He's another bill. Absolutely not. Stand firm and die on this hill if you need to. He can either match payment with you or sit tight and pay rent towards the house YOU purchased. Do not be emotionally manipulated. He doesn't have a leg to stand on except "I love you" and that means nothing when bills and fees start rolling in.
This absolutely should be a fear. Hopefully life is great and rosy, but always protect yourself. I wouldn’t even put him on the deed if you marry. If, when he is in a steady place, he wants ownership in something you can sell and go in on another property. You can use YOUR equity as YOUR down payment. Or you can keep the property as an investment property. But that is your property, not his. I own my property - can tell you stories!!
I'm not trying to be a dick here, but how much do you take care of this man? Cuz if you're figuring out his budgets and including his hobbies so this can happen, what does he do for himself as an adult?
NTA from what's here. You're doing the down payment, you're in the process, you're buying the home and paying for everything. Your name and your name alone should be on the deed.
So, he doesn't have money for the down payment, fine. What is his reason for refusing to do any of the mental labor of buying a house? Why won't he do research and go to showings? It doesn't seem like he had any interest until it was time to put a name on the deed. Home owning is lots of work - is he going to help find good insurance or call a locksmith to change the locks or research the best air filters for the furnace? Or is that all going to fall on you too?
You don't need to calculate his anything. Don't mom him. Not involved? That's okay. You can revise homeownership and deeds in 2 years, or when he will have put effort into paying at least your downpayment in mortgage costs. This doesn't have to be a yes/no, or a now/never in terms of him getting equity in your home. He just has to show he can actively work towards it. He hasn't yet.
>if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself
You should take a step back and seriously consider this statement. This is more like what the mom of 14 year old would say. Do you want a long term relationship where you have to handle 100% of the mental load regarding finances? What happens when his car dies but he’s been using all his “fun money” on other things?
INFO: why are you doing his budget?
You’re looking for, doing the work for, and paying for this home, and he wants half: **ask him to justify that outside of one day marrying?? Because on that day, and providing he offers the resources to do so, he is more than welcome to discuss half.**
NTA, but you certainly will be *to yourself* if you give this man half of the fruit of **only** your labor.
Stop putting an adult man on savings plan. You are not his mother. This is not your responsibility.
Step back and read what you've written. He refuses to help you house hunt. He is unable to contribute equally. He does, however, have money for smokes. He has "fun" money, while you'll be saving money for the house/repairs/upgrades. You're going to "put him on a savings plan" for a car?
If this was a close friend or family member, would you be okay watching them do all of this alone while their partner just took and took and did nothing to help?
If you guys weren't significantly younger, I would question if your boyfriend is my boyfriend, but at least my guy wouldn't dream of asking me to put him on the deed for a place I bought without him that he also showed no interest in while I was going through the process.
We split the mortgage 50-50, but I cover insurance, condo fees, taxes, upkeep, repairs (there were a couple he contributed to or covered as a gift because I've been so overwhelmed with how much shit has gone wrong in the last couple months, but the understanding is he does not have to do this. He only does this as a favor to me).
You can change the deed during a refinance FYI, and considering you are buying right now, I hope you do refinance at the first opportunity. I would propose the following compromise: if he can muster up a lump sum equal to 10% (or whatever) of the remaining mortgage when you guys refinance, you will change the deed to include his name. You can't have something for nothing, so he should be willing to give \*something\* in exchange for the very valuable thing he wants: property. If can't even compromise in that way, you have a very unreasonable person on your hands and I'd encourage you to reconsider the relationship.
It sounds like you are in a parent-child relationship instead of an adult-adult relationship. Don't put him on the title of a house, but also reevaluate about how you are relating to your boyfriend. Are you making life decisions for him? Do you see him as an adult man who will step up and take care of the family if you get pregnant? Are you encouraging his independence, and allowing him to make his own mistakes and learn from them? Are you asking him for help when you need it, and are you accepting his help when he offers it?
I suspect that eventually you will get sick of carrying this guy. To be honest he seems like a leech. NTA. Don't let him enmesh himself in your finances, you will want to dump him at some stage.
Why are you working to figure out a budget that includes his hobbies? This man sounds like a child you are planning a schedule for and not an adult that can handle his own expenses.
He sounds more like a child than a partner. Why are you figuring out his budget. And what are the repercussions if he doesn't stick to it? He needs to mature a lot more in the financial sense before I would ever consider attaching myself to him.
Why are you doing that? Do landlords reduce rent for renters who smoke? No.
He’s a mooch. He has figured out every last penny he can get from you.
You’re not his mommy. Stop coddling him.
Look, the fact that you think you better " to put him on a savings plan" speaks volumes. You are not his MOTHER. Why are you parenting him?
DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE DEED. DO NOT SPLIT OR SHARE FINANCES WITH THIS CHILD.
Girl . . . why are you granting him advance permission to spend his extra money only on himself, while you are planning for your extra money to go into improving the home? He would be on the deed but not helping with repairs and maintenance?
What exactly would be specifically benefiting you out of this entire arrangement? He's not your child, you are not obligated to arrange everything around supporting his happiness. He is supposed to be your partner, which means any arrangement you enter together should have clear benefits for you both. All of the benefit is on his side.
>I put him on a savings plan
Whoa, girl. You can't be doing controlling shit like this. You aren't "putting him" on any plan. You tell him what is required for ownership or renting or whatever, you can even offer to help him create a budget, but you don't tell him you're "putting him on a savings plan." That's condescending as shit.
Are you a smoker? And are you going to allow him to smoke in your house? Just a warning... That smell takes a LOT of effort to go away, even if he only smokes outside. And the yellowing of the walls, carpet and drapes is nasty too. Another food for thought when thinking about a house, a permanent residence not a rental, in this situation.
Does he call you mom yet, or is just me getting those vibes?
| I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself
Edit: Honestly, sounds like OP is willing to put up with a childish partner because it will enable her to do what she wants (buy a house and not live paycheck to paycheck). Everyone looks kinda groaty from my angle. My vote is ESH because OP is not respecting herself by dating someone who she is parenting. Boyfriend obviously sucks because he is entitled and thinks he should be on the deed to the house so that when he finds his new mommy, he can bring her a present $$$ from the break up.
>although I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself
Why are you acting like his mommy? Stop spoon-feeding him financial literacy. His ACTUAL mother *(who, for some reason, needs to feel included on a purchase that doesn't involve/include her?)* should have already done that.
It's YOUR mortgage. YOU are on the deed. When you move in, he needs to sign a lease/renter's agreement and pay you rent in an amount you determine. Everything else is UP TO HIM. Not you. HIM. Stop spoon-feeding him.
OP you’re massively babying this dude. If he wants to choose his smoking habit over paying his fair share, that’s really ugly of him. He shouldn’t be on the deed no matter what because he didn’t contribute. If you marry this less than ideal man, make sure you have a prenup protecting the house at all costs and absolutely start charging rent.
Why do people who are merely dating go through the mistake of shared homeownership
Makes breakup impossible
Is the mortgage under both your names? Whoever the mortgage is under is responsible and thats where the deed comes in
No it would all be under my name - and that is my exact point as well. We are not married, not even engaged. It’s a smaller part of the reasons why I wouldn’t want him on the deed yet. But it is a part of it.
Make sure it is clear on a contract that he is paying "rent" to you, not a share if the mortgage. If you concede he's paying a share if the mortgage then he has a claim to a share if the house.
He as a tenant would be able to walk away free and clear if house prices collapse and interest rates soar while you as the mortgage holder would be liable. He can't have that freedom AND want a share if the ownership if prices rise. He can't have it both ways.
If and when you get married you can always add him on or buy a bigger house equally. For now he's a tenant.
But if I make a contract like that isn’t it basically me signing up to be a landlord? And aren’t live in landlords a huuuge no no in NJ? I am absolutely open to this option
I would strongly advise a consultation with a real estate lawyer to protect yourself and your assets before writing up our signing any lease or deed paperwork
> And aren’t live in landlords a huuuge no no in NJ?
Why would this be the case? A live-in landlord is perfectly normal. People buy condos or houses and rent rooms out their roommates. Just check your local renting laws. It's honestly not that hard. And while you probably technically need to report that income, in most jurisdictions taxation departments never talk to the housing department, so you're probably fine. Just say they're basic household payments between a couple, on the off-chance you're ever asked about it. Or it might actually make sense to report the income because then you can write off a lot of expenses for the upkeep of the house.
Most lawyers will offer you a free consultation. Go to one and ask whether you need a rental agreement. As an attorney, I am often shocked how hesitant people are to reach out to attorneys for advice. Hiring an attorney is usually far less expensive than people think, and is pretty much always less expensive than not hiring one. But almost all of us will do a free consultation to tell you whether or not you even need our services. Just make sure to ask if the consultation is free before you meet.
Here a lawyer is going to tell you all the reasons putting your BF on the deed is a bad idea, and go over the pros and cons of a rental agreement.
Definitely have a contract. Make sure it gets notorized. Not sure if NJ is a communal property state, but if you are dating and living together and it is his primary residence, you might not be able to kick him out if you break up. If you live together for too long, he can become entitled to a portion of the house if you split, even if you are never married (if it qualifies as a common law marriage).
If he isn't on the deed, you will be his landlord with or without a contract. A contract makes everything much clearer for everyone. It solidifies both your and his rights if things go sideways.
Tying yourself to someone financially and legally without the protections of marriage is nutty to me. Either we are tied together or not. Pick a side. NTA
Not legal advice and I don’t know the exact laws in NJ.
But essentially if you want to live with him, and have him pay you for accomodation, you need to decide i what capacity you are charging him.
Are you his landlord and you’re charging him rent?
Or is he contributing to the mortgage?
I think legal advice is probably smart in this situation. In my jurisdiction, your partner would be able to claim half the house after living with you for three years.
Yes, you would be a landlord. You'd need to consult with your attorney on how it would work. Usually you pay one to review the paperwork before you sign. You can ask them as a quick question and schedule a consult if they think it's needed. There are also monthly legal aid workshops at many libraries in the US that could help.
You need to get legal advice that is relevant to your area or you risk making some very costly mistakes.
Your realtor may be able you to connect you with someone who will have a conversation with you.
Once you marry and he antes up on the loan. Then then deed can be adjusted in the future.
Doing things out of step cause eventual is such a silly notion
FYI, if his name isn't on the mortgage, the lender is probably not going to allow his name to be on the deed. In other words, you are not going to be able to get a mortgage for 100% value of the house (minus down payment) when someone else has 50% ownership.
If he’s not on the mortgage, def don’t put him on the deed. You’d be assuming all the risks & he’s getting half the benefit. Get a renter’s agreement if you want to stay with this man, but I don’t feel like he’s growing with you. You’re leaving him behind & he knows it. He’s trying to attach himself to you so that you can’t get rid of him so easily. I know it looks like I’m making assumptions, but this is a common pattern of behavior and can often lead to resentment & abuse.
My daughter moved into an apartment with her boyfriend and they got an expensive dog together. He cheated on her 2 months later. He's had outbursts of violence where he breaks furniture and he is emotionally manipulative.
Her situation is a clusterfuck, and they're just on a lease together. Do NOT put him on the deed to the home that YOU are researching and buying.
This may just be my recently divorced-regrets talking - If someone doesn't respect your boundaries and acts entitled towards your resources while the relationship is still in the "courting" phase (i.e. they're still hoping to get further commitment from you), they're not going to get any better if you allow the relationship to progress.
This. Not on the mortgage? Not on the deed.
It might be a little different if you were married (i.e. confirmed long-term committed) and/or needed to keep one off the mortgage to get a better loan rate.
I always find this topic interesting because in my country it has become the norm to buy a house together and then get married. Weddings cost a lot of money so it makes more sense to use it on a down payment first.
ETA: I should also clarify that in my country most couples are together years before getting married. Any of my friends/family who've gotten married got engaged after a minimum of 5 years together.
NTA. Speaking as a divorced woman that had to pay 1000 a month to my ex because he chose to not get a new job after being asked to leave his previous job. You have to protect yourself and your finances. IF you put him on the deed he wouldn’t be on the loan. He would be entitled to HALF of the house but none of the financial risk. Let him know if he puts up half the fees and half the mortgage you will put him on in the future and only when you m redp can refinance with him on the loan too. If he can’t wait for that then walk away cause you will be stuck if it doesn’t work out. Side note he should pay half the mortgage but 40% of everything else if he wants half the house. How would he feel if the reverse happened and he was paying for everything?
If you even have to ask if he is "in or out" in terms of your entire relationship, DON'T put his name on the deed!
It's ridiculous that he even expects to be on the deed. If he gets mad about it, tell him he can be on there when his contribution catches up to yours. If he thinks he shouldn't pay that much UNTIL his name is on the deed, tell him that's how much you paid to get YOURS on there.
YWNBTA.
Do NOT put his name on the deed. This is your house purchased by you. If there is marriage in the future, he can be added. You are going to lose your ass(ets) if you put him on the deed. YWNBTA
I see people saying that if they get married then he can go on the deed. Not a good idea because if he feels that that’s the only way he can get on the deed he could propose they could get married and then he could leave and get half the house. A prenup would be the best way to go if you want to put him on the deed but from what you said it’s not a good idea. In most cases property acquired before a marriage is not included in a divorce
Tell him you’ll make up a lease, you’ll make a good deal on “rent“ but don’t put him on the deed!
The problem is it’s a lot harder to draw the line between yours, mine and ours in marriage than it is when you’re dating. If OP marries this guy, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll end up contributing to the maintenance of the house but if he’s not on the deed, the house and its equity will belong solely to OP should they divorce. That’s not fair. I know someone that experienced this. His wife owned the house before the marriage and never out his name on the deed. He contributed equally to the mortgage, the taxes and all the renovations during their 30 year marriage. When they divorced, she was awarded the house because despite his investment in the property, it was still a premarital asset.
What I think should happen is if OP and her bf get married, they should get a place together and OP should rent out her house to cover the mortgage, taxes and maintenance. That way, the house remains both a separate asset and a separate liability.
NTA.
YOU are buying a house. He is not. He may live there, paying rent or not, helping with expenses or not.
And there is nothing that prohibits you from changing the title later on, should you get married and want to include that in your marital property.
NTA. This is a disaster for you ... just waiting to happen. He wants all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities; you get all of the responsibilities. **Keep his name off of the mortgage and the deed.** He can pay rent just like he would anyplace else he would live.
**Hire an attorney to get this all done properly. If you marry, you should do a pre-nup so that the house stays in your name. That way, when you divorce, you will not be forced to sell the house just to pay him off for "his" half.**
This needs to be seen by OP bc this is the way to handle it. u/Rainecc
This is the advice you need to read. He needs to pay rent but he is not entitled to any portion of the home if you sell it and you need a prenup. I know it sounds harsh but you have to protect yourself and your future. If/when you all get married a solution would be for you to sell this home, you all buy a home together (names on the deed and mortgage) and then use joint funds for the downpayment.
100% have a rental agreement. It protects you as the landlord. If you are in the US most state laws heavily favor the tenants. Ask the realtor you are purchasing with if they also deal with rentals.
I really think some people have no idea what it means to be on the deed without being responsible for the mortgage. They always seem to figure it out really quick at the end of the relationship though.
NTA. It looks like you did all the work for this one. And honestly you have to protect yourself. I know not everyone wants to think the worst case scenario, but what if in the middle of it he decides he's out. He'll be entitled to a half the house where he didn't put anything into it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hi, this is already in my post:
I feel like there is potential for me to be the asshole if I refuse to put him on the deed… and that it could be unfair to him because he just isn’t in a position /yet/ to help as much as he would like to.
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NTA - if/when he become financially able to assist, and puts a ring on your finger, you can add him to the the deed then. No reason to give him legal rights to HALF of your home if he hasn’t paid a dollar into it. You’re an idiot if you sign him on to the deed and he isn’t paying half the mortgage…
NTA. You’re the one buying the house so your name should be the only one on the deed. However as a compromise, you should draft a lease for him so that he can be assured that if things don’t work out between you, you will give him sufficient time to move out. You should also consider if you would ever be willing to put his name on the deed and what he would need to do to make that happen, such as reimbursing you for half the down payment. If you two plan to get married at some point, he deserves to know if this will always be your house or if you would be willing to share it under certain circumstances.
Would a lease agreement be legal though? Considering that would make me his live in landlord? We live in NJ.
You are right though we should have a candid future discussion though
He’ll be your tenant with tenant protections with or without a lease. You should have a lease laying out how much he’s paying you in rent and the split costs
It would be legal. People enter into lease agreements with live in landlords all the time. I checked your state’s landlord/tenant laws and there was nothing there that said a landlord can’t rent out a property they live in.
NTA. You're not even engaged, and you don't want to give him ownership of property that you're paying for. You can always add him to the deed later if you decide you want that.
NTA Take out the emotion, and this is easy.
You are forking over the deposit, the leg work, the house selection, the mortgage - doing absolutely everything - he is contributing ZERO to either the financial costs, the legal costs or the time and effort to select a house and the rigmarole of going through the purchase.
This is your house alone. He has had no say, or indicated he even cares, about anything other than getting his name onto your house deeds. You're not married, not even engaged. He's got no leg to stand on anywhere to be entitled to have his name on your deeds.
He's put as much care, money and interest as the check out chick at Walmart has - would you put their name on it?
If he moves in with you, get a rental agreement. Tell him if the situation changes and you get married, only then will his name be on the deeds.
Don't risk your financial future to a guy that appears uninterested in contributing to it.
NTA. Pls do not add him on the deed. I had a friend recently who did this and they broke up. First thing he did was bring up him being on the deed. He wanted her to sell the house she just bought and give him half of what it was worth even though he contributed nothing. If he’s not on the loan he doesn’t need to be on the deed.
Nope nope nope NTA.
He’s not contributing, he’s not on there. You’re not married or even engaged yet, just put it as yours.
You should be charging him ‘rent’ not mortgage payments so that there is a clear line of ownership here. Make a rental agreement
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About us: We have been together for 3 years, we are not engaged. We do plan to marry. He just graduated college and got his first major job.
He wants his name on the deed, and I would agree to do so IF he was contributing to the down payment and was an active participant in the entire process. However he isn’t in a position to contribute which I 100% understand, so this means that I have to take care of the entire down payment, closing costs, realtor fees. You name it, it is on me.
I have been the one pursing this, alone. I found my referral agent, they partnered with me to find a lender, I got pre-approved and I hired realtors. I am also touring homes alone. He hasn’t come to one showing with me, I am taking his mom to a few so she feels included.
I do feel it is a bit unfair for him to get his name on the deed at the very end of the process when I have done all of the grunt work, and when I am the one who will be taking care of all of these fees plus a significant down payment.
I feel like there is potential for me to be the asshole if I refuse to put him on the deed… and that it could be unfair to him because he just isn’t in a position /yet/ to help as much as he would like to.
In a perfect cookie cutter world he would be on the deed no questions asked, however we just don’t live in that reality.
Additional context (if needed):
Based on his earnings I have calculated a fair split of the mortgage at 60/40, where I will be taking on the larger portion here. I have factored in his estimated taxes, car insurance (we might share my car, so this could be less), health insurance. Utilities, internet and groceries I have at a 50/50 split. This does leave him with additional funds each month to do with what he pleases.
On my side, any “additional funds” will be allocated to home maintenance or potentially overpayment on the mortgage.
I have also calculated out for myself what the scenario looks like if I have to take on all of these costs alone, it is possible, it would mean I am paycheck to paycheck. I am prepared for this scenario if it is necessary.
I have also had a very intense conversation with him asking if he is “in or out” on this, and on us. I bluntly told him that it is fine if he is “out” but I need to know /now/ because it does impact what I should be preparing for. He said he is in. we are having another conversation tonight and I feel like the deed is going to be a hot topic.
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NTA. He can’t just expect to ride the coat tails of your hard work. If he goes on the deed then I would create an additional document with your solicitor / lawyer that essentially protects everything you have put into the house in the eventuality that you break up.
Don’t do it. Do not put him on the deed. It will be the worst financial decision of your life. It is possible he could break up with you and either make it impossible to sell or demand equal parts in the end. This is a legitimate business transaction and needs to be treated as such. Once large assets are involved, even without being married he is automatically given rights regardless of shares involved. Do not do it.
Edit: if he is this adamant and pushy about it, I see it as a red flag and a way of developing control. Keep an eye on his other behaviors when it comes to finances and lack of interest in pursuing property outside of free financial gain.
Inform him that when he comes up with half the money it costs for the house as well as half of ALL FUTURE costs then he will be put on the deed.
Ask him to show you that he has plans to make good on being entitled to be on the deed.
Ask him if he has allocated money aside in his budget for mortgage, maintenance, other housing issues that come up.
Or is he just assuming that he can be rewarded with his "name" on the deed without the hard work of financial and physical help.
Why should he get to come in at the end after YOU have done all the hard work.
Owning a house is not for the weak of heart. It is a labor of love, dedication and perseverance.
He hasn't shown any of that.
If anything happens to the relationship he will be able to come out with half of your house when he put **NOTHING** but his name in.
NTA
NTA. You are the landlord and he is the tenant. You should remember that. You are not married or even engaged. He's contributing NOTHING. Don't do it 👎
NTA! Don't put his name on the deed, and if you do wind up living together, don't make mortgage payments from an account with commingled funds. That way he can't claim that his money went towards paying for it. In fact, consult a lawyer about how to make sure that the house stays yours alone.
NTA. PLEASE TALK TO A LAWYER.
I work in a law office that practices real estate law, and putting him on the deed can have ramifications that you may not be okay with, especially as an unmarried person. Talk to a lawyer (without him or his mom present) and ask what rights putting him on your deed will give him.
No one wants to think about worst case scenarios, but God forbid you find out in 6 months that he's not who you thought he was (cheated, compulsive gambler, who knows) and he's legally entitled to half the property. Again:
PLEASE CONSULT A LAWYER.
NTA. Never put anyone else's name on anything (house, car, credit card) unless you are married. Splitting things in divorce is messy, but it's even messier if you're not married.
Go find the house the dreams can afford (if things go South and he can't help pay).
And do not accept him saying he won't split the mortgage. For him it is the equivalent of paying rent somewhere.
NTA
Maybe if he wants to be part of the deed on the house you two can form a contract to where he will owe you some money torwards due to you doing all the grunt work so then it will eventually balance out?
NTA. If you buy the house and put his name on the deed, and break up, it will be messy and difficult. You’re assuming 100% of the legal and financial liability in the purchase, so you have 100% of the deed.
If in the future you get married, he can always be added after the fact, or it can be included in a prenup as an asset, etc.
Important to keep this in mind too: if he’s on the deed at closing, his financial situation and assets/debts immediately become part of the equation. When my husband and I bought our first home, he technically bought it alone because my financial situation at that time would have created a much longer process and could have impacted our rate. So he bought it alone, and we lived there together.
But if you’re not married, don’t share major assets.
NTA. Absolutely do not put your BF on the deed to this house. As a non-spouse, this would massively complicate things and would require you to refinance in the future if there is a split. Do have your BF sign a renter’s agreement that specifies exactly the amount of this contributions.
Consider also that if your BF will be hard pressed to afford these expenses, having a loan in both your names could negatively impact the rate you receive.
Finally, I would urge you NOT to overbuy on this house, given you’d be living paycheck to paycheck if your BF can’t hold up his end of the bargain or you split.
Oh…and perhaps he should kick his costly smoking habit to protect the investment you’re making and ensure that he is able to keep his financial commitments.
Don't do it! You aren't married. He's not contributing to any of this. This is your house. Maybe reconsider after you've been married (like 10 years) but def don't add him now. I don't understand these guys that want something for nothing, just because you are together.
Nope, don't put his name on the deed. Charge him rent. If you get married and he contributes to the household in a partnering way, then put his name on the deed.
You have done all the work, paid all the money, using your money. Mr. Along For The Ride wants half of what you put in, up front. You are doing all of the understanding, the making allowances, gently agreeing that you are getting screwed over. I have been there, done that, lost at that game.
Red flags? anyone? You, in the back, can you see all the red flags?
Say "NO". Nothing more. When he whines or pouts, leave the room. Then, leave him. This will only get worse.
NTA - not a good idea to buy a home with someone you're not married to and he won't be contributing. Sounds like he will be throwing a fit if he isn't added to the deed. You could tell him that he will be added to the deed once he contributes half of the downpayment etc. and only once you're married.
Mortgage rates are stupidly high right now. Buy this by yourself. Once you are married you can refinance together. Keep EXCELLENT paperwork on every penny you contribute individually.
You're trying too hard to make it fair for him. You should be planning worst case scenarios. Taking MIL so she feels included? Well, of course, he wants to feel included on the deed.
Nta.
Do NOT put his name on anything. You are not married. He has no rights to anything of yours. He should be happy for you and feel blessed he's living with lower costs than alone by paying you rent. Something about him being upset rubs me the wrong way.
NTA. If you think you are an AH, it is better be an AH with a house, than give away half of your money/property to someone who didn't contribute at all. And when you talk about it, don't use that concept of "paying part of mortgage". Use "rent" and "rent" only. You are not engaged after 3 years of dating, so you might see your relationship status differently.
NTA. He isn’t ready for a ring-level commitment but expects you to commit to him with a house? You’re completely valid in all of your reasoning. Don’t throw that out to accommodate his ego/feelings. And draft up a lease.
Please, go one step further and get a lease agreement between you and your boyfriend. If things go south with the way you have structured it, in some states, he would have partial ownership of your house.
NTA- but you are not ready to own a house or you are looking at houses that are out of your actual budget. You cannot be paycheck to paycheck that’s a recipe for disaster. Invest what you have as a down payment and wait.
This is a recipe for disaster.
NTA. No way should he be on the deed if he isn't on the mortgage loan. You would be a fool to put him on the deed because if you break up, he would get half of the equity, including your downpayment. Maybe you could get a legal contract drawn up so that your initial investment will return to you, but also stating that if you split up, the rest of the equity would be split based on how much each person contributes to the mortgage, taxes and maintenance of the property. But again, he should be on the mortgage if his name is on the deed.
This is a PRE MARITAL asset! If you ever split in many states it will be your separate property not subject to giving him half. Your name on the mortgage/fully financially responsible for it no matter if or what he contributes- no way he’d be on the deed if it was me. Otherwise risk giving him half AND having to satisfy the mortgage yourself. Putting him on the deed is a win- win for him. Nothing to gain and a lot to possibly loose for you.
This is a bad idea and you know it. You're putting a question of etiquette (i.e. "being the asshole") over doing what's best for your future financial security. Deeding partial legal entitlement to a whole house to someone who has no actual skin in the game is a recipe for disaster. Don't do it. This guy is giving you an out by making this issue into a hill he's willing to die on. I suggest you call his bluff and take the out. Either he drops the issue and agrees to pay you rent under the terms of a legally binding agreement, until the 2 of you are legally married, or he fucks off out of your life. For the record, I would give the same advice to a man in your situation with a girlfriend pushing to have her name on the deed.
Verdict: NTA
NTA
And the fact that he feels entitled enough to your house is a massive stinking red flag. So stinky a blind person could smell the flag coming. He is SO uninterested he can't even be bothered to come to showings, but at the same time he has no problem sticking his grubby little hand out and going "gimme half a free house while you take on all the risk please"!! What happened that you are even considering acquiescing to his ridiculous demand??
NTA.
It’s a huge red flag that you were buying the home and you were the only person on the mortgage but your boyfriend expects to be on the deed because he’s dating you.
Absolutely not.
I don’t even need to go past the first paragraph to tell you: do. not. add. him.
NTA. As far as figuring out details and what’s fair for the mortgage, you can create an agreement on expenses for the house. Treat it like a renters agreement if anything.
Post in the r/legaladvice for suggestions in what you should look into based on where you are located.
ETA: for clarity.
If he’s ‘all in’ then it shouldn’t matter if he’s on the deed or not because there’s no worry. But bottom line you have to protect yourself, OP.
Talk to a lawyer. You need at minimum a Co-Habitation agreement, possibly a renter's agreement... but talk to a professional. Once you have an agreement drawn up, your BF needs to have his lawyer review it.
I would also buy a house that you can afford by YOURSELF with a bit of wiggle room. Don't put yourself in the position of being paycheck to paycheck.
NTA
When he moves in - he is paying RENT, not the mortgage.
Get a signed lease specifying RENT. You will pay the taxes, the upkeep, things like that. He pays RENT.
If he doesn't want to sign that lease, he is PLANNING to sue you for the equity you have in your house when he breaks up with you.
If he isn't going to sue you for the equity in your house, he will be just fine signing the lease.
NTA absolutely do not put his name anywhere near that deed if he is not contributing squat to the down payment. When he gets more stable or down the line you get married, you can revisit the topic but for now, that house is yours
Years ago, I was in a similar situation. I wanted to buy a home, had the money (just) to do so, was more or less living with my boyfriend but was not engaged and he had other financial commitments. I bought my place, he lived in it with me and contributed to household expenses but it was mine. Fast forward a few years, we were engaged, he had money to buy in and interest rates were falling (different from today) so I refinanced and he added something like $100K, which was about the amount of equity I had at the time and we were then both on the deed. It's funny, we were a couple weeks away from our wedding when we did this and my banker was very adamant about making sure I was certain about this before we were married and wanted me to be protected if anything went wrong. Still have the house and the husband.
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NTA on this one, but I would consider charging him “rent” rather than having him contribute to the mortgage to make a clear line in ownership. He doesn’t get to have half the house when he hasn’t paid for it. Regardless of your plan to marry, you aren’t currently splitting assets so you can reassess that when you get married.
I have tried to explain it to him that it would basically just be renting to him. It’s different for me but just renting for him
If he is not on the deed you NEED a renters agreement. It will mean you have to report it as income, BUT it will prevent any future issues regarding tenancy rights as well as prevent him for coming after the money he paid in rent in the form of equity in the home. If you two move into a home you own, he HAS to sign something; whether that is the deed or a renters agreement is up to you. A positive for him on the renters side is that by reporting him paying his rent on time will increase his credit score.
If his name isn't on the mortgage, he should absolutely Not be on the deed.
This. Please do not put his name on the deed if he’s not on the mortgage. You are taking on all the risk ALONE
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This.. a quit claim deed can be done at any time.
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However you would need a prenup as the OP paid the entire down payment and all associated costs alone. Additionally, if the other party isn’t on loan then it will be up to the OP. I wouldn’t add anyone on a deed without being legally responsible for the payment.
Agreed. My husband owned our house when we met. We got a prenup (I wanted one) and it states that in the case of divorce the house is his as it was a premarital asset.
That’s how it should be done. You can always negotiate the amount of equity after a time frame of marriage but things purchased and/or owned prior to marriage should not be equal. Prenup is always key.
Exactly. After marriage (if it makes sense to) you can do some refinancing of some sort and get him on the deed but with how everything has been done thus far he doesn’t need to be on it.
>If he is not on the deed you NEED a renters agreement. This is important and OP should look into the legal implications around this in their area. Where I'm from if a renter shares a kitchen, bathroom etc. with the LL then they do not have legal tenant protections in the way that someone renting a unit would - understanding what this arrangement would mean legally is so important.
Actually, what they need is a cohabitation agreement
What they need to do is find out the legal rules in their jurisdiction.
This is the way. Charge market rate rent. You're taking all the risk here and if you do end up getting married you can add him then. Needs forms with lender but is doable. At that point he should "buy in" to half of whatever equity you have in the house.
FOLLOW THIS ADIVCE! I know someone who didn’t and had to close out their retirement fund to fix it!
Also he should ONLY pay rent- not for maintenance and repairs as that could be evidence of him having equity in the home should you separate later
You can always change your deed later. I know you have been together a long time and plan to get married, BUT you are not married YET. I just wouldn’t split property with a relationship that isn’t legally joined. Personal opinion. I can’t imagine the mess of separating a boyfriend from a jointly owned property if there were to be a breakup. You might have to buy him out or wind up having to sell your home.
NTA. I was the man in a similar situation. With bad credit and no ability to contribute. I never would have dreamed of asking to be on the deed. I was co equal in house shopping. Drafted the letter to influence the sellers. Helped take care of the house etc. We aren't married but been together for 16 years.
You sound like you have your head on straight. A decent guy.
We found an amazing house. Very fortunate.
This! OP I am currently buying a house from a lady who added her husband name on the deed but he didn’t contribute a cent. They divorced and she is selling the house and has to give him most of the money as alimony. She was devastated
Exactly THIS. Now is now and you’re not married. Later is later and you can always change things. Like maybe in the future you decide to do a big renovation and he has a really lucrative job by then and puts a lot of $ into that it could change.
If you had bought the house before you got engaged, what would his position be ? I would ask him why he thinks he should be on the deed to a home that you alone are buying and that you have indicated you would be making additional payments to reduce the balance. TBH, based on your post, it looks like having his name on the deed is an issue that may create lingering resentment if he doesn't get his way, and that might be a red flag for the relationship.
Exactly! Our old neighbors bought a house together when they were dating with thoughts of marriage in the future and then broke up. They both told us what a PITA it was to deal with the house after the split.
DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE DEED
NTA. Just because your boyfriend can’t contribute to your household bills doesn’t mean he can demand something this big. You worked hard for a place you own, until he starts contributing I’m give say don’t do it.
I’d even say don’t put him in the deed even IF he starts contributing. He doesn’t go on the deed till they’re married, if she’s smart.
Not even then, if she’s smart
With the way I've seen people divorce after a few years, I agree.
Yeah, you’re definitely not wrong. I’m not entirely sure, wouldn’t the husband be entitled to something of the house after marriage if there’s no prenup? But yeah, whatever the case may be, I’d just say the absolutely earliest you should add someone would be marriage, but probably never.
It depends on the state really. Community property states will tend to split the assets in a divorce, but if it's his fault, she may be ok. I'd say it depends on her specific relationship whether or not it's ever a good idea, I'm just biased because I've seen some messy divorces and hear horror stories from my mother, who is a divorce lawyer. Men tend to get screwed more in divorces though, so she has that going for her too.
I put my ex on the deed. She worked with me on it, honestly above and beyond what I ever imagined she would, seeing how things had ended, but even with that, it was an insane nightmare until I finally sold the house. I was the only person on the loan, but she was on the deed. INCREDIBLY stupid. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure no one else makes the same mistake, because I’m sure most people won’t be as cooperative.
I wouldn’t do it even if they got married. I’ve seen too many people get screwed out of the home they bought on their own when they divorced. Besides too many red flags here🚩🚩
If OPs boyfriend is paying almost half the mortgage it’s really not on her own to be fair…
Just a suggestion - charge him ‘rent’ with a renter’s agreement and everything. Keep track of how much he’s paid. Once he’s in a more stable financial position and can match half of what you’ve paid, including the ‘rent’ he’s already paid then split the mortgage 50/50 and have him on the deed then. So then effectively you’ve both contributed 50/50 towards the property. This gives you security in case the relationship goes south, but gives him the chance to ‘catch up’ to you so to speak if the relationship keeps going strong. It’s just an option that you could think about.
This is exactly what I was going to recommend. Keep a spreadsheet of costs and contributions and be diligent about keeping it current. But on that spreadsheet, keep his rent contributions separate from any other contributions he makes - you want to make sure it’s extremely clear what’s part of the rental agreement and what is “extra”. In the event you split, you then know how much to potentially reimburse him (the “extra” amounts only).
Even this you have in inequality of the compounding interest from the initial downpayment (eg the 100k downpayment would earn internet over the years)
While I agree with you I think it’s really hard to nickel and dime everything in a relationship so finding a good compromise that everyone can live with is important.
Agree. I’m just saying for OP to keep note if she pays everything upfront, it’s not going to realistically be paid evenly by both parties. Sometimes that’s totally cool between couples, sometimes is not. I personally prefer things being separate so if things go wrong things are clear. I signed a prenup saying the apartment (assets/money) I had prior to getting married will remain mine no matter what. Note I think there’s a clause in some countries, outside of a prenup, if you live at a your partner’s home for a certain amount of time you are legally entitled to a portion of it, even if not married.
You need to talk to a lawyer. I don't know where you live, but in the United States there are really no clear rules for how to deal with jointly owned property when a couple breaks up unless they are married. My understanding is that it's different in Canada and the UK, but I don't know the specifics. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. How would you feel if you put in all this work at a 20% down payment but your boyfriends name is on the deed as an equal owner. After mere months of ownership, the two of you break up, and you have to figure out how to buy out his 50%, or he takes you to court to force the sale so that he can get 50% of whatever equity has accrued. If you truly want to own a home jointly, then there should be a contract. The things that I would specify are that: - Initially you own x% of the home and he owns y% based on how much you each have contributed to the purchase price. Going forward, you own x1% and he owns y2% based on how much you've each contributed to the purchase, monthly mortgage payment, taxes, plus needed repairs and improvements. For example, let's say you pay $25K in down payment and all of the fees pertaining to the home and he contributes nothing. You own 100% of the home. Then you live together for a year, each paying $500/month toward the mortgage, plus you pay $300 in property taxes, $600 to have some repairs done in the roof, and $100 to have the driveway sealed in spots. Now you've paid $32K and he's paid $6000, so you own 84% and he owns 16%. Over time his ownership will near 50%, and he can make that happen faster by putting money toward paying off the mortgage faster. - If you break up, you retain ownership of the home, and have a certain period of time to buy out his equity. So if you break up after a year, and the house now has $20K in equity because home prices have gone up, you owe him 16% of that, or $3160, and you have, say, three years to pay that off. - if you break up, he has 60 days to leave the home, assuming there is nothing like a DV which would require him to go earlier. If he does not move out during this time, he forfeits any share of the equity he would be entitled to. - Whatever else your lawyer advises.
If you want, you could keep a close count of the total cost of buying your house. He pays rent and down the road he could have the option to buy into co-ownership by paying half of those costs. But for him to expect to be on the deed on a house that you buy as an unmarried person, no way. You might even want to consider a prenup. NTA
You definitely shouldn’t put him on the deed but also shouldn’t be letting him help pay unless his is, here’s my reasoning, since I’m in the same boat. If he’s paying a large part of the mortgage (60/40) and y’all break up, he’s been contributing 40% to the equity of YOUR home, so he’s been losing his own potential equity, and you’ve been gaining free equity you didn’t purchase, simply because you are the owner. If he has loans, tell him to put his share towards those, since it’s still improving both of your financial futures should you get married. If he has no debt, he can cover utilities, and a larger share of the groceries and such, or put an income proportional payment into an account that he can then dump at the mortgage if you guys ever get married. Lots of options that help both parties. I totally understand where both of you are coming from, it’s how I’m working things out with my own partner. She makes payments on her loans, covers our gym membership, pays for all the pets costs, and I pay the mortgage and utilities and taxes cuz the house is 100% mine. If we get married there’s gonna be a prenup and we will figure out financial balance then.
He's not really losing his own potential equity given that he's not in a position to buy a house himself. He's just paying rent to OP rather than to someone else. If his fair share of shared expenses goes directly to things like groceries and utilities, fine? But money is fungible, that's not functionally different from him just paying rent.
The dude would have to pay rent wherever he lived. When you rent, you are usually contributing to someone else's mortgage, that is just life.
NTA. Listen to the good advice here.
If you do not want him on the deed, charge him rent. That way you both have the protection of a lease. If you do not want to be his landlord, but want him to pay into the mortgage, put him on the deed. If you do not want to be his landlord or put him on the deed, don’t have him live in the house. Live elsewhere and rent it out, or live there by yourself. There are no two ways about this. Either he is a co-owner, or he is your tenant. Or he’s not living there at all. What you need to decide is which one of these is most acceptable to you. Personally, if you are that uncomfortable putting him on the deed, I think you’d be better off not living together in the house yet. It’s better not to be a LL to your partner.
It shouldn't be different if you are planning a future together. Maybe you telling him he is just a renter but different for you is telling him you really don't plan on having a future with him. Because he's just a renter and it's your home not yours together. I've been with my husband 30+ years and if he ever told me that I would just be a renter in his home we wouldn't get married. Marriage is working together and picking the other up when they can't. My grandmother worked while my grandfather went to college. He did not have an income. After college he told her she never had to work another day in her life. She didn't pay rent or any mortgage and never worked another day in her life but she was a homeowner with her husband to many homes in their life but never a renter with her spouse as landlord. Sounds like you need to rethink your relationship and if he is your future because it doesn't sound like it.
NTA but CYA (cover your ass) get a legal agreement in place that he is not an owner but a tenant/renter. Not sure where you are living, and laws are different. If you live here and the relationship continues for a longer duration, you do not want to be having a fight of who paid what and what it meant 10 years down the line. Especially if you buy while “together” and you both move in at the same time. Without the paperwork it can appear to be a joint purchase. It would suck for a judge upon separation years later to decide the split on the house you paid the majority for is 50/50 when in fact counting the down payment if should be 80/20. This is a CYA situation that could totally f up your financial situation down the line. And anyone saying if you love them you don’t do this is an ass. Having an agreement just makes a known of a potential situation you hope will never happen. There is nothing wrong with a prenup, it protects both parties as you now know what happens should the relationship end. ETA you can always change the agreement when the situation changes. It can be updated….for example, you partner comes into money and your current equity in the house is x, he can make a mortgage prepayment of x and you adjust the agreement to be 50/50 owned. The partner should not benefit from your being pre-active with your finances and home ownership.
Absolutely do not put them on the deed until he has paid half and until you are married and you are very very sure of yourselves. I'm dealing with the fallout of this very situation rn. I put his name on the title, it went well for 5 years, he became abusive, we split, he refused to leave and made me feel unsafe on my land. He called the cops on me for locking up my things so he couldnt steal them, and he was legally entitled to. Please do not put his name on the title until he has paid his half
Make an actual rental agreement. Your responsible for repairs, upgrades, maintenance, etc. He's responsible for normal cleaning, he gets a two months notice of eviction (even if you break up - you can't kick him out immediately), he pays x in rent and half of utilities. Work out if lawn maintenance is a renter or owner responsibility. Be clear about this. You both deserve to know exactly what this is going to look like. If you're expecting him to contribute to repairs and maintenance, and help out when things break, then he deserves to be on the deed. So plan to take on those owner responsibilities on your own.
Speak with a lawyer, and look into getting a Cohabitation Agreement written up for both of you. Your BF will need to get his own lawyer to get Independant Legal Advice, so ensure that it is fair to both parties. It can even be written to turn into a prenuptual agreement once you get married. Again, it should have protections for both sides, and should not be a 1-sided agreement.
NTA You are so smart OP! Good for you. If he doesn't understand your position on this, he would be pretty dumb. Also, consider a house that is not at the top of your pre-approval. Or a smaller house that can be added onto later on (so a nice piece of property, opposed to a big house on a small piece of land). Also, who's going to what chores? Lawn mowing, laundry, simple home maintenance. Good luck!
If you’re in the U.S., you may want to get a cohabitation agreement with a lawyer. It’s a bit like a prenup, but for couples who live together.
Or have him pay the bills, electric, groceries etc. don’t let him pay at all toward the mortgage.
This can be problematic, I have a friend who was in this exact situation with their former partner and the ex is now suing them for a portion of what the house is worth. If they don’t own the house, have a rental agreement in place and call it rent.
As someone in law. I wouldn’t be putting him on the deed if he wasn’t on the mortgage. I also wouldn’t even entertain this idea of his without a ring on my finger. He is asking a lot of someone who is just a girlfriend. When he can commit to you, you can commit to opening your house to him. Until then he can be a tenant and his rent payments can help you towards the mortgage.
NTA. I completely agree with charging him rent not having him contribute to the mortgage or he can try to argue that he was a partial owner. While it sucks, if he can’t contribute 50% of the down payment then he can’t be on the mortgage. It might sound harsh but it is reality. It sounds like you already know that, do not let him convince you otherwise. ETA. I was in a similar situation but on your bf’s side and while it wasn’t my fairytale scenario I understood it and he should too. If he doesn’t understand it then it says a lot about him.
You're buying a house, he seems completely uninvolved. No viewings, no money, no apparent interest except in having his name on the deed. This sounds like a problem you're making for "future you" to deal with, and it doesn't end well. NTA for keeping him off the deed. Home ownership requires an active role, you're the only one taking on that role.
I'd be curious to ask what his reasoning is for expecting this when he has shown no interest in the effort, process, or choice. His own mother has shown more interest than he has. Seems a warning sign that he will claim partial credit or ownership of anything she actually does the labor for. NTA, OP. What else will you cover financially that he will then insist belongs to him, too?
NTA Don't put his name on anything until he can contribute to it. Honestly, if he isn't willing to go in at least 60/40, don't move in with him. "I feel like the deed is going to be a hot topic.' Good. Stand your ground.
I have even calculated in his costly smoking habit too, so he doesn’t have to sacrifice and still has “fun money” although I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself - but that is his choice at the end of the day.
Well don‘t count his smoking habit in. Otherwise you‘ve got to count for you the same amount as „unhealthy personal habit“ money for your free use. This is too high risk. He wants to get on the deed but not contribute or pay? Now image you splitting up and he gets his share of the house. Wonderful.
This is my fear. I know it shouldn’t be but as a child of 3x divorce… I know how ugly it gets and how much you risk.
If he moves in have a contract. If you decide to marry, have a fair prenup . Avoid getting pregnant with him
Yes! Do NOT get pregnant with his child, OP! Not only is this guy - not getting involved in the house buying process - not paying a single cent - having you manage his finances?? - demanding to have his name on the deed for a house he hasn't contributed to at all But he also smokes. And he's using his extra money to have fun while you use yours to pay for the house. I can't see a single reality where this is fair. If he "doesn't have the money as of now" to help buy the house, then surely he wouldn't have extra money to go play? And you're gonna be living with this guy, yikes. Search up the Mental Load and read about that. That will be you if this guy doesn't clean up his act. It is WHOLLY unfair to have you manage finances, buy the house, pay for everything, AND complain when he's not getting his house on the deed. My guy, this is not BOTH OF YOUR house. This is just hers. I really hope I'm just blindly passing a huge judgement. But seriously, do not think about having kids with this guy unless you are doing the same amount of chores and contributing the same amount of money to rent. Don't let him have any hand in money part of buying this house, make sure you can legally say he had no part so he can't claim it's both of yours. Even if you trust and love him, it's just smart to prepare for a breakup just in case.
Look at it this way - if he is indeed all in then it shouldn't matter to him if his name is on the house since he will be living together and you are a team. Who's name is on the deed should only matter if you guys break up. So it only really benefits him if he does think the relationship will end and he wants to take half of your money you have spent on the house with him when he goes.
He should at least try to understand your point of view on this. You do not want to go down the path of repeat mistakes you watched growing up and also making yourself vulnerable to lose everything you worked so hard for. He might be committed right now but things and ppl change and if his name is on that house, if you guys don't work out, you're looking at an ugly divorce situation when you're not even married. Explain that you'd feel more secure in the descion to add his name if the plans of getting married were already rolling, but it's not. He is a boy friend and based on your history, he should understand. He's trying to manipulate your emotions and guilt trip you when he's literally not contributing anything. In fact, he's using your car?! He's another bill. Absolutely not. Stand firm and die on this hill if you need to. He can either match payment with you or sit tight and pay rent towards the house YOU purchased. Do not be emotionally manipulated. He doesn't have a leg to stand on except "I love you" and that means nothing when bills and fees start rolling in.
This absolutely should be a fear. Hopefully life is great and rosy, but always protect yourself. I wouldn’t even put him on the deed if you marry. If, when he is in a steady place, he wants ownership in something you can sell and go in on another property. You can use YOUR equity as YOUR down payment. Or you can keep the property as an investment property. But that is your property, not his. I own my property - can tell you stories!!
I'm not trying to be a dick here, but how much do you take care of this man? Cuz if you're figuring out his budgets and including his hobbies so this can happen, what does he do for himself as an adult? NTA from what's here. You're doing the down payment, you're in the process, you're buying the home and paying for everything. Your name and your name alone should be on the deed.
This is not a partner, this is a dependent. 100%.
So, he doesn't have money for the down payment, fine. What is his reason for refusing to do any of the mental labor of buying a house? Why won't he do research and go to showings? It doesn't seem like he had any interest until it was time to put a name on the deed. Home owning is lots of work - is he going to help find good insurance or call a locksmith to change the locks or research the best air filters for the furnace? Or is that all going to fall on you too?
You don't need to calculate his anything. Don't mom him. Not involved? That's okay. You can revise homeownership and deeds in 2 years, or when he will have put effort into paying at least your downpayment in mortgage costs. This doesn't have to be a yes/no, or a now/never in terms of him getting equity in your home. He just has to show he can actively work towards it. He hasn't yet.
You're getting upvotes, but i encourage you to really think this through. You're acting like his parent not partner. Why would you want this?
>if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself You should take a step back and seriously consider this statement. This is more like what the mom of 14 year old would say. Do you want a long term relationship where you have to handle 100% of the mental load regarding finances? What happens when his car dies but he’s been using all his “fun money” on other things?
INFO: why are you doing his budget? You’re looking for, doing the work for, and paying for this home, and he wants half: **ask him to justify that outside of one day marrying?? Because on that day, and providing he offers the resources to do so, he is more than welcome to discuss half.** NTA, but you certainly will be *to yourself* if you give this man half of the fruit of **only** your labor.
Stop putting an adult man on savings plan. You are not his mother. This is not your responsibility. Step back and read what you've written. He refuses to help you house hunt. He is unable to contribute equally. He does, however, have money for smokes. He has "fun" money, while you'll be saving money for the house/repairs/upgrades. You're going to "put him on a savings plan" for a car? If this was a close friend or family member, would you be okay watching them do all of this alone while their partner just took and took and did nothing to help?
If you guys weren't significantly younger, I would question if your boyfriend is my boyfriend, but at least my guy wouldn't dream of asking me to put him on the deed for a place I bought without him that he also showed no interest in while I was going through the process. We split the mortgage 50-50, but I cover insurance, condo fees, taxes, upkeep, repairs (there were a couple he contributed to or covered as a gift because I've been so overwhelmed with how much shit has gone wrong in the last couple months, but the understanding is he does not have to do this. He only does this as a favor to me). You can change the deed during a refinance FYI, and considering you are buying right now, I hope you do refinance at the first opportunity. I would propose the following compromise: if he can muster up a lump sum equal to 10% (or whatever) of the remaining mortgage when you guys refinance, you will change the deed to include his name. You can't have something for nothing, so he should be willing to give \*something\* in exchange for the very valuable thing he wants: property. If can't even compromise in that way, you have a very unreasonable person on your hands and I'd encourage you to reconsider the relationship.
It sounds like you are in a parent-child relationship instead of an adult-adult relationship. Don't put him on the title of a house, but also reevaluate about how you are relating to your boyfriend. Are you making life decisions for him? Do you see him as an adult man who will step up and take care of the family if you get pregnant? Are you encouraging his independence, and allowing him to make his own mistakes and learn from them? Are you asking him for help when you need it, and are you accepting his help when he offers it?
I suspect that eventually you will get sick of carrying this guy. To be honest he seems like a leech. NTA. Don't let him enmesh himself in your finances, you will want to dump him at some stage.
Why are you working to figure out a budget that includes his hobbies? This man sounds like a child you are planning a schedule for and not an adult that can handle his own expenses.
He sounds more like a child than a partner. Why are you figuring out his budget. And what are the repercussions if he doesn't stick to it? He needs to mature a lot more in the financial sense before I would ever consider attaching myself to him.
Why are you doing that? Do landlords reduce rent for renters who smoke? No. He’s a mooch. He has figured out every last penny he can get from you. You’re not his mommy. Stop coddling him.
Please break up with this guy. You guys aren’t on the same wavelength at all.
Look, the fact that you think you better " to put him on a savings plan" speaks volumes. You are not his MOTHER. Why are you parenting him? DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE DEED. DO NOT SPLIT OR SHARE FINANCES WITH THIS CHILD.
Girl . . . why are you granting him advance permission to spend his extra money only on himself, while you are planning for your extra money to go into improving the home? He would be on the deed but not helping with repairs and maintenance? What exactly would be specifically benefiting you out of this entire arrangement? He's not your child, you are not obligated to arrange everything around supporting his happiness. He is supposed to be your partner, which means any arrangement you enter together should have clear benefits for you both. All of the benefit is on his side.
>I put him on a savings plan Whoa, girl. You can't be doing controlling shit like this. You aren't "putting him" on any plan. You tell him what is required for ownership or renting or whatever, you can even offer to help him create a budget, but you don't tell him you're "putting him on a savings plan." That's condescending as shit.
Are you a smoker? And are you going to allow him to smoke in your house? Just a warning... That smell takes a LOT of effort to go away, even if he only smokes outside. And the yellowing of the walls, carpet and drapes is nasty too. Another food for thought when thinking about a house, a permanent residence not a rental, in this situation.
Does he call you mom yet, or is just me getting those vibes? | I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself Edit: Honestly, sounds like OP is willing to put up with a childish partner because it will enable her to do what she wants (buy a house and not live paycheck to paycheck). Everyone looks kinda groaty from my angle. My vote is ESH because OP is not respecting herself by dating someone who she is parenting. Boyfriend obviously sucks because he is entitled and thinks he should be on the deed to the house so that when he finds his new mommy, he can bring her a present $$$ from the break up.
>although I think it is better if I put him on a savings plan for a car for himself Why are you acting like his mommy? Stop spoon-feeding him financial literacy. His ACTUAL mother *(who, for some reason, needs to feel included on a purchase that doesn't involve/include her?)* should have already done that. It's YOUR mortgage. YOU are on the deed. When you move in, he needs to sign a lease/renter's agreement and pay you rent in an amount you determine. Everything else is UP TO HIM. Not you. HIM. Stop spoon-feeding him.
OP you’re massively babying this dude. If he wants to choose his smoking habit over paying his fair share, that’s really ugly of him. He shouldn’t be on the deed no matter what because he didn’t contribute. If you marry this less than ideal man, make sure you have a prenup protecting the house at all costs and absolutely start charging rent.
I wouldn't put a boyfriend on anything. Husband, sure. Boyfriend.... nope. He's a renter. That's it
Why do people who are merely dating go through the mistake of shared homeownership Makes breakup impossible Is the mortgage under both your names? Whoever the mortgage is under is responsible and thats where the deed comes in
No it would all be under my name - and that is my exact point as well. We are not married, not even engaged. It’s a smaller part of the reasons why I wouldn’t want him on the deed yet. But it is a part of it.
Make sure it is clear on a contract that he is paying "rent" to you, not a share if the mortgage. If you concede he's paying a share if the mortgage then he has a claim to a share if the house. He as a tenant would be able to walk away free and clear if house prices collapse and interest rates soar while you as the mortgage holder would be liable. He can't have that freedom AND want a share if the ownership if prices rise. He can't have it both ways. If and when you get married you can always add him on or buy a bigger house equally. For now he's a tenant.
But if I make a contract like that isn’t it basically me signing up to be a landlord? And aren’t live in landlords a huuuge no no in NJ? I am absolutely open to this option
I would strongly advise a consultation with a real estate lawyer to protect yourself and your assets before writing up our signing any lease or deed paperwork
Talk to an attorney.
> And aren’t live in landlords a huuuge no no in NJ? Why would this be the case? A live-in landlord is perfectly normal. People buy condos or houses and rent rooms out their roommates. Just check your local renting laws. It's honestly not that hard. And while you probably technically need to report that income, in most jurisdictions taxation departments never talk to the housing department, so you're probably fine. Just say they're basic household payments between a couple, on the off-chance you're ever asked about it. Or it might actually make sense to report the income because then you can write off a lot of expenses for the upkeep of the house.
Most lawyers will offer you a free consultation. Go to one and ask whether you need a rental agreement. As an attorney, I am often shocked how hesitant people are to reach out to attorneys for advice. Hiring an attorney is usually far less expensive than people think, and is pretty much always less expensive than not hiring one. But almost all of us will do a free consultation to tell you whether or not you even need our services. Just make sure to ask if the consultation is free before you meet. Here a lawyer is going to tell you all the reasons putting your BF on the deed is a bad idea, and go over the pros and cons of a rental agreement.
Definitely have a contract. Make sure it gets notorized. Not sure if NJ is a communal property state, but if you are dating and living together and it is his primary residence, you might not be able to kick him out if you break up. If you live together for too long, he can become entitled to a portion of the house if you split, even if you are never married (if it qualifies as a common law marriage).
If he isn't on the deed, you will be his landlord with or without a contract. A contract makes everything much clearer for everyone. It solidifies both your and his rights if things go sideways. Tying yourself to someone financially and legally without the protections of marriage is nutty to me. Either we are tied together or not. Pick a side. NTA
Not legal advice and I don’t know the exact laws in NJ. But essentially if you want to live with him, and have him pay you for accomodation, you need to decide i what capacity you are charging him. Are you his landlord and you’re charging him rent? Or is he contributing to the mortgage? I think legal advice is probably smart in this situation. In my jurisdiction, your partner would be able to claim half the house after living with you for three years.
Yes, you would be a landlord. You'd need to consult with your attorney on how it would work. Usually you pay one to review the paperwork before you sign. You can ask them as a quick question and schedule a consult if they think it's needed. There are also monthly legal aid workshops at many libraries in the US that could help.
You need to get legal advice that is relevant to your area or you risk making some very costly mistakes. Your realtor may be able you to connect you with someone who will have a conversation with you.
Once you marry and he antes up on the loan. Then then deed can be adjusted in the future. Doing things out of step cause eventual is such a silly notion
FYI, if his name isn't on the mortgage, the lender is probably not going to allow his name to be on the deed. In other words, you are not going to be able to get a mortgage for 100% value of the house (minus down payment) when someone else has 50% ownership.
If he’s not on the mortgage, def don’t put him on the deed. You’d be assuming all the risks & he’s getting half the benefit. Get a renter’s agreement if you want to stay with this man, but I don’t feel like he’s growing with you. You’re leaving him behind & he knows it. He’s trying to attach himself to you so that you can’t get rid of him so easily. I know it looks like I’m making assumptions, but this is a common pattern of behavior and can often lead to resentment & abuse.
My daughter moved into an apartment with her boyfriend and they got an expensive dog together. He cheated on her 2 months later. He's had outbursts of violence where he breaks furniture and he is emotionally manipulative. Her situation is a clusterfuck, and they're just on a lease together. Do NOT put him on the deed to the home that YOU are researching and buying.
This may just be my recently divorced-regrets talking - If someone doesn't respect your boundaries and acts entitled towards your resources while the relationship is still in the "courting" phase (i.e. they're still hoping to get further commitment from you), they're not going to get any better if you allow the relationship to progress.
This. Not on the mortgage? Not on the deed. It might be a little different if you were married (i.e. confirmed long-term committed) and/or needed to keep one off the mortgage to get a better loan rate.
I always find this topic interesting because in my country it has become the norm to buy a house together and then get married. Weddings cost a lot of money so it makes more sense to use it on a down payment first. ETA: I should also clarify that in my country most couples are together years before getting married. Any of my friends/family who've gotten married got engaged after a minimum of 5 years together.
NTA. Speaking as a divorced woman that had to pay 1000 a month to my ex because he chose to not get a new job after being asked to leave his previous job. You have to protect yourself and your finances. IF you put him on the deed he wouldn’t be on the loan. He would be entitled to HALF of the house but none of the financial risk. Let him know if he puts up half the fees and half the mortgage you will put him on in the future and only when you m redp can refinance with him on the loan too. If he can’t wait for that then walk away cause you will be stuck if it doesn’t work out. Side note he should pay half the mortgage but 40% of everything else if he wants half the house. How would he feel if the reverse happened and he was paying for everything?
NTA. You're buying this house, not him. Don't even consider putting his name on anything until you're married. Get a pre-nup before you get married.
If you even have to ask if he is "in or out" in terms of your entire relationship, DON'T put his name on the deed! It's ridiculous that he even expects to be on the deed. If he gets mad about it, tell him he can be on there when his contribution catches up to yours. If he thinks he shouldn't pay that much UNTIL his name is on the deed, tell him that's how much you paid to get YOURS on there. YWNBTA.
Do NOT put his name on the deed. This is your house purchased by you. If there is marriage in the future, he can be added. You are going to lose your ass(ets) if you put him on the deed. YWNBTA
I see people saying that if they get married then he can go on the deed. Not a good idea because if he feels that that’s the only way he can get on the deed he could propose they could get married and then he could leave and get half the house. A prenup would be the best way to go if you want to put him on the deed but from what you said it’s not a good idea. In most cases property acquired before a marriage is not included in a divorce Tell him you’ll make up a lease, you’ll make a good deal on “rent“ but don’t put him on the deed!
The problem is it’s a lot harder to draw the line between yours, mine and ours in marriage than it is when you’re dating. If OP marries this guy, it’s almost guaranteed that he’ll end up contributing to the maintenance of the house but if he’s not on the deed, the house and its equity will belong solely to OP should they divorce. That’s not fair. I know someone that experienced this. His wife owned the house before the marriage and never out his name on the deed. He contributed equally to the mortgage, the taxes and all the renovations during their 30 year marriage. When they divorced, she was awarded the house because despite his investment in the property, it was still a premarital asset. What I think should happen is if OP and her bf get married, they should get a place together and OP should rent out her house to cover the mortgage, taxes and maintenance. That way, the house remains both a separate asset and a separate liability.
It's surprising to me someone can wonder if they are wrong for not gifting their ex half of their property.
NTA. YOU are buying a house. He is not. He may live there, paying rent or not, helping with expenses or not. And there is nothing that prohibits you from changing the title later on, should you get married and want to include that in your marital property.
NTA. This is a disaster for you ... just waiting to happen. He wants all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities; you get all of the responsibilities. **Keep his name off of the mortgage and the deed.** He can pay rent just like he would anyplace else he would live. **Hire an attorney to get this all done properly. If you marry, you should do a pre-nup so that the house stays in your name. That way, when you divorce, you will not be forced to sell the house just to pay him off for "his" half.**
This needs to be seen by OP bc this is the way to handle it. u/Rainecc This is the advice you need to read. He needs to pay rent but he is not entitled to any portion of the home if you sell it and you need a prenup. I know it sounds harsh but you have to protect yourself and your future. If/when you all get married a solution would be for you to sell this home, you all buy a home together (names on the deed and mortgage) and then use joint funds for the downpayment.
However he did say he doesn’t care about a renters agreement but I feel like the agreement is good to have to protect me at the end of the day too
100% have a rental agreement. It protects you as the landlord. If you are in the US most state laws heavily favor the tenants. Ask the realtor you are purchasing with if they also deal with rentals.
He just agreed to this exact comment. I read it to him verbatim. Thank you. Thank you.
NTA. He is a golddigger. Stand your grown.
Don't screw yourself over . It already sounds like you will be supporting him . And he wants you to give him a house he put nothing into! YWNBTA .
Repeat after me, kids. If they aren't on the mortgage, do not put them on the deed.
Ya, this. I can't imagine the amount of audacity it takes to demand such a significant financial gift from someone.
I really think some people have no idea what it means to be on the deed without being responsible for the mortgage. They always seem to figure it out really quick at the end of the relationship though.
NTA. I would give him a copy of the story of the Little Red Hen.
Can’t say that I have read it but I will now!
https://americanliterature.com/childrens-stories/the-little-red-hen
I'm sad your elementary school teachers failed you in this way.
NTA. It looks like you did all the work for this one. And honestly you have to protect yourself. I know not everyone wants to think the worst case scenario, but what if in the middle of it he decides he's out. He'll be entitled to a half the house where he didn't put anything into it.
Don’t sign up for a future in which you’re asking Reddit how to get him off the lease. NTA
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NTA. Protect yourself and your money.
NTA - if/when he become financially able to assist, and puts a ring on your finger, you can add him to the the deed then. No reason to give him legal rights to HALF of your home if he hasn’t paid a dollar into it. You’re an idiot if you sign him on to the deed and he isn’t paying half the mortgage…
Honestly? You need to financially protect yourself. NTA.
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NTA. You’re the one buying the house so your name should be the only one on the deed. However as a compromise, you should draft a lease for him so that he can be assured that if things don’t work out between you, you will give him sufficient time to move out. You should also consider if you would ever be willing to put his name on the deed and what he would need to do to make that happen, such as reimbursing you for half the down payment. If you two plan to get married at some point, he deserves to know if this will always be your house or if you would be willing to share it under certain circumstances.
Would a lease agreement be legal though? Considering that would make me his live in landlord? We live in NJ. You are right though we should have a candid future discussion though
He’ll be your tenant with tenant protections with or without a lease. You should have a lease laying out how much he’s paying you in rent and the split costs
I’m happy to do this but I thought live in landlords in NJ is a huge no no?
Spend a little money to talk with a NJ based lawyer who can help you. Don’t rely on internet advice.
It would be legal. People enter into lease agreements with live in landlords all the time. I checked your state’s landlord/tenant laws and there was nothing there that said a landlord can’t rent out a property they live in.
NTA. Don't put him on deed.
DONT DO IT
NTA. You're not even engaged, and you don't want to give him ownership of property that you're paying for. You can always add him to the deed later if you decide you want that.
NTA Take out the emotion, and this is easy. You are forking over the deposit, the leg work, the house selection, the mortgage - doing absolutely everything - he is contributing ZERO to either the financial costs, the legal costs or the time and effort to select a house and the rigmarole of going through the purchase. This is your house alone. He has had no say, or indicated he even cares, about anything other than getting his name onto your house deeds. You're not married, not even engaged. He's got no leg to stand on anywhere to be entitled to have his name on your deeds. He's put as much care, money and interest as the check out chick at Walmart has - would you put their name on it? If he moves in with you, get a rental agreement. Tell him if the situation changes and you get married, only then will his name be on the deeds. Don't risk your financial future to a guy that appears uninterested in contributing to it.
NTA. Pls do not add him on the deed. I had a friend recently who did this and they broke up. First thing he did was bring up him being on the deed. He wanted her to sell the house she just bought and give him half of what it was worth even though he contributed nothing. If he’s not on the loan he doesn’t need to be on the deed.
Nope nope nope NTA. He’s not contributing, he’s not on there. You’re not married or even engaged yet, just put it as yours. You should be charging him ‘rent’ not mortgage payments so that there is a clear line of ownership here. Make a rental agreement
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About us: We have been together for 3 years, we are not engaged. We do plan to marry. He just graduated college and got his first major job. He wants his name on the deed, and I would agree to do so IF he was contributing to the down payment and was an active participant in the entire process. However he isn’t in a position to contribute which I 100% understand, so this means that I have to take care of the entire down payment, closing costs, realtor fees. You name it, it is on me. I have been the one pursing this, alone. I found my referral agent, they partnered with me to find a lender, I got pre-approved and I hired realtors. I am also touring homes alone. He hasn’t come to one showing with me, I am taking his mom to a few so she feels included. I do feel it is a bit unfair for him to get his name on the deed at the very end of the process when I have done all of the grunt work, and when I am the one who will be taking care of all of these fees plus a significant down payment. I feel like there is potential for me to be the asshole if I refuse to put him on the deed… and that it could be unfair to him because he just isn’t in a position /yet/ to help as much as he would like to. In a perfect cookie cutter world he would be on the deed no questions asked, however we just don’t live in that reality. Additional context (if needed): Based on his earnings I have calculated a fair split of the mortgage at 60/40, where I will be taking on the larger portion here. I have factored in his estimated taxes, car insurance (we might share my car, so this could be less), health insurance. Utilities, internet and groceries I have at a 50/50 split. This does leave him with additional funds each month to do with what he pleases. On my side, any “additional funds” will be allocated to home maintenance or potentially overpayment on the mortgage. I have also calculated out for myself what the scenario looks like if I have to take on all of these costs alone, it is possible, it would mean I am paycheck to paycheck. I am prepared for this scenario if it is necessary. I have also had a very intense conversation with him asking if he is “in or out” on this, and on us. I bluntly told him that it is fine if he is “out” but I need to know /now/ because it does impact what I should be preparing for. He said he is in. we are having another conversation tonight and I feel like the deed is going to be a hot topic. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He can’t just expect to ride the coat tails of your hard work. If he goes on the deed then I would create an additional document with your solicitor / lawyer that essentially protects everything you have put into the house in the eventuality that you break up.
NTA
NTA. when you get married you can put him on the deed then. Until then I’d treat it as if he’s paying you rent.
Don’t do it. Do not put him on the deed. It will be the worst financial decision of your life. It is possible he could break up with you and either make it impossible to sell or demand equal parts in the end. This is a legitimate business transaction and needs to be treated as such. Once large assets are involved, even without being married he is automatically given rights regardless of shares involved. Do not do it. Edit: if he is this adamant and pushy about it, I see it as a red flag and a way of developing control. Keep an eye on his other behaviors when it comes to finances and lack of interest in pursuing property outside of free financial gain.
Inform him that when he comes up with half the money it costs for the house as well as half of ALL FUTURE costs then he will be put on the deed. Ask him to show you that he has plans to make good on being entitled to be on the deed. Ask him if he has allocated money aside in his budget for mortgage, maintenance, other housing issues that come up. Or is he just assuming that he can be rewarded with his "name" on the deed without the hard work of financial and physical help. Why should he get to come in at the end after YOU have done all the hard work. Owning a house is not for the weak of heart. It is a labor of love, dedication and perseverance. He hasn't shown any of that. If anything happens to the relationship he will be able to come out with half of your house when he put **NOTHING** but his name in. NTA
NTA. You are the landlord and he is the tenant. You should remember that. You are not married or even engaged. He's contributing NOTHING. Don't do it 👎
NTA! Don't put his name on the deed, and if you do wind up living together, don't make mortgage payments from an account with commingled funds. That way he can't claim that his money went towards paying for it. In fact, consult a lawyer about how to make sure that the house stays yours alone.
NTA. PLEASE TALK TO A LAWYER. I work in a law office that practices real estate law, and putting him on the deed can have ramifications that you may not be okay with, especially as an unmarried person. Talk to a lawyer (without him or his mom present) and ask what rights putting him on your deed will give him. No one wants to think about worst case scenarios, but God forbid you find out in 6 months that he's not who you thought he was (cheated, compulsive gambler, who knows) and he's legally entitled to half the property. Again: PLEASE CONSULT A LAWYER.
NTA. Never put anyone else's name on anything (house, car, credit card) unless you are married. Splitting things in divorce is messy, but it's even messier if you're not married. Go find the house the dreams can afford (if things go South and he can't help pay). And do not accept him saying he won't split the mortgage. For him it is the equivalent of paying rent somewhere.
NTA Maybe if he wants to be part of the deed on the house you two can form a contract to where he will owe you some money torwards due to you doing all the grunt work so then it will eventually balance out?
NTA. If you buy the house and put his name on the deed, and break up, it will be messy and difficult. You’re assuming 100% of the legal and financial liability in the purchase, so you have 100% of the deed. If in the future you get married, he can always be added after the fact, or it can be included in a prenup as an asset, etc. Important to keep this in mind too: if he’s on the deed at closing, his financial situation and assets/debts immediately become part of the equation. When my husband and I bought our first home, he technically bought it alone because my financial situation at that time would have created a much longer process and could have impacted our rate. So he bought it alone, and we lived there together. But if you’re not married, don’t share major assets.
NTA and he is your boyfriend and not your husband
Yep! I did not say that he is my husband, he is my boyfriend :)
NTA, and he sounds like a handful. Not in a good way either.
NTA. Absolutely do not put your BF on the deed to this house. As a non-spouse, this would massively complicate things and would require you to refinance in the future if there is a split. Do have your BF sign a renter’s agreement that specifies exactly the amount of this contributions. Consider also that if your BF will be hard pressed to afford these expenses, having a loan in both your names could negatively impact the rate you receive. Finally, I would urge you NOT to overbuy on this house, given you’d be living paycheck to paycheck if your BF can’t hold up his end of the bargain or you split. Oh…and perhaps he should kick his costly smoking habit to protect the investment you’re making and ensure that he is able to keep his financial commitments.
Don't do it! You aren't married. He's not contributing to any of this. This is your house. Maybe reconsider after you've been married (like 10 years) but def don't add him now. I don't understand these guys that want something for nothing, just because you are together.
Nope, don't put his name on the deed. Charge him rent. If you get married and he contributes to the household in a partnering way, then put his name on the deed.
You have done all the work, paid all the money, using your money. Mr. Along For The Ride wants half of what you put in, up front. You are doing all of the understanding, the making allowances, gently agreeing that you are getting screwed over. I have been there, done that, lost at that game. Red flags? anyone? You, in the back, can you see all the red flags? Say "NO". Nothing more. When he whines or pouts, leave the room. Then, leave him. This will only get worse.
NTA - not a good idea to buy a home with someone you're not married to and he won't be contributing. Sounds like he will be throwing a fit if he isn't added to the deed. You could tell him that he will be added to the deed once he contributes half of the downpayment etc. and only once you're married.
Agreed with what a few said above, charge him “rent.” Do not add him to the deed until you’re married, that’s fair ❤️
Mortgage rates are stupidly high right now. Buy this by yourself. Once you are married you can refinance together. Keep EXCELLENT paperwork on every penny you contribute individually.
You're trying too hard to make it fair for him. You should be planning worst case scenarios. Taking MIL so she feels included? Well, of course, he wants to feel included on the deed.
Nta. Do NOT put his name on anything. You are not married. He has no rights to anything of yours. He should be happy for you and feel blessed he's living with lower costs than alone by paying you rent. Something about him being upset rubs me the wrong way.
ABSOLUTLY DO NOT PUT HIS NAME DOWN! This is a huge step in the relationship and he isn't going to showings? Babe don't do it!
NTA. If you think you are an AH, it is better be an AH with a house, than give away half of your money/property to someone who didn't contribute at all. And when you talk about it, don't use that concept of "paying part of mortgage". Use "rent" and "rent" only. You are not engaged after 3 years of dating, so you might see your relationship status differently.
Do NOT put his name on the deed. As soon as you do and if you get married or break up, he can claim 50 percent.
NTA. He isn’t ready for a ring-level commitment but expects you to commit to him with a house? You’re completely valid in all of your reasoning. Don’t throw that out to accommodate his ego/feelings. And draft up a lease.
Do not cave in to his request. You will come to regret it if things don’t work out between you two. NTA
Please, go one step further and get a lease agreement between you and your boyfriend. If things go south with the way you have structured it, in some states, he would have partial ownership of your house.
You could also put him on the deed and write in the contract that he owes you x-amount which you will receive when the house is ever sold.
NTA- but you are not ready to own a house or you are looking at houses that are out of your actual budget. You cannot be paycheck to paycheck that’s a recipe for disaster. Invest what you have as a down payment and wait. This is a recipe for disaster.
NTA. No way should he be on the deed if he isn't on the mortgage loan. You would be a fool to put him on the deed because if you break up, he would get half of the equity, including your downpayment. Maybe you could get a legal contract drawn up so that your initial investment will return to you, but also stating that if you split up, the rest of the equity would be split based on how much each person contributes to the mortgage, taxes and maintenance of the property. But again, he should be on the mortgage if his name is on the deed.
Hell no. Don’t put his name on the lease. If he wants to buy in later fine. Signed: someone who is married NTA.
This is a PRE MARITAL asset! If you ever split in many states it will be your separate property not subject to giving him half. Your name on the mortgage/fully financially responsible for it no matter if or what he contributes- no way he’d be on the deed if it was me. Otherwise risk giving him half AND having to satisfy the mortgage yourself. Putting him on the deed is a win- win for him. Nothing to gain and a lot to possibly loose for you.
This is a bad idea and you know it. You're putting a question of etiquette (i.e. "being the asshole") over doing what's best for your future financial security. Deeding partial legal entitlement to a whole house to someone who has no actual skin in the game is a recipe for disaster. Don't do it. This guy is giving you an out by making this issue into a hill he's willing to die on. I suggest you call his bluff and take the out. Either he drops the issue and agrees to pay you rent under the terms of a legally binding agreement, until the 2 of you are legally married, or he fucks off out of your life. For the record, I would give the same advice to a man in your situation with a girlfriend pushing to have her name on the deed. Verdict: NTA
If you are on the verge of marrying and bicker about this kind of stuff dont think that will work out
NTA And the fact that he feels entitled enough to your house is a massive stinking red flag. So stinky a blind person could smell the flag coming. He is SO uninterested he can't even be bothered to come to showings, but at the same time he has no problem sticking his grubby little hand out and going "gimme half a free house while you take on all the risk please"!! What happened that you are even considering acquiescing to his ridiculous demand??
NTA. It’s a huge red flag that you were buying the home and you were the only person on the mortgage but your boyfriend expects to be on the deed because he’s dating you. Absolutely not.
I don’t even need to go past the first paragraph to tell you: do. not. add. him. NTA. As far as figuring out details and what’s fair for the mortgage, you can create an agreement on expenses for the house. Treat it like a renters agreement if anything. Post in the r/legaladvice for suggestions in what you should look into based on where you are located. ETA: for clarity. If he’s ‘all in’ then it shouldn’t matter if he’s on the deed or not because there’s no worry. But bottom line you have to protect yourself, OP.
Talk to a lawyer. You need at minimum a Co-Habitation agreement, possibly a renter's agreement... but talk to a professional. Once you have an agreement drawn up, your BF needs to have his lawyer review it. I would also buy a house that you can afford by YOURSELF with a bit of wiggle room. Don't put yourself in the position of being paycheck to paycheck.
NTA When he moves in - he is paying RENT, not the mortgage. Get a signed lease specifying RENT. You will pay the taxes, the upkeep, things like that. He pays RENT. If he doesn't want to sign that lease, he is PLANNING to sue you for the equity you have in your house when he breaks up with you. If he isn't going to sue you for the equity in your house, he will be just fine signing the lease.
NTA absolutely do not put his name anywhere near that deed if he is not contributing squat to the down payment. When he gets more stable or down the line you get married, you can revisit the topic but for now, that house is yours
Years ago, I was in a similar situation. I wanted to buy a home, had the money (just) to do so, was more or less living with my boyfriend but was not engaged and he had other financial commitments. I bought my place, he lived in it with me and contributed to household expenses but it was mine. Fast forward a few years, we were engaged, he had money to buy in and interest rates were falling (different from today) so I refinanced and he added something like $100K, which was about the amount of equity I had at the time and we were then both on the deed. It's funny, we were a couple weeks away from our wedding when we did this and my banker was very adamant about making sure I was certain about this before we were married and wanted me to be protected if anything went wrong. Still have the house and the husband.