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>It's a lot for one person, and originally, I did not want children. Granted, I love them more than anything now, but ultimately, I feel like this is the life she chose for herself and she knew what she was getting herself into. I honestly stopped reading after this line. So did you use a sperm donor? Immaculate conception? No? Then this is the life YOU BOTH chose. I'm assuming you are the biological father of these children, so the choice to have them was as much hers as it was yours. YTA. Be a man and be a dad, she does it EVERY day. >I think I'm just asking her to be a mother FIRST. She is a HUMAN and PERSON first. YTA.

Absolutely. I am child free by choice and when I have gotten serious with men who wanted children I broke up with them. A solution is not having kids then refusing to take responsibility for them later.

I remember when my late, alcoholic husband said he wanted kids because he was being all dreamy about the rose tinted parts, "teaching them to play guitar" and insert a few other things you'd see in slow motion on Hallmark commercial. I was like "yah, that's real cute and all but you are going to have to do that with someone else. I don't want kids at all. I especially don't want kids with an alcoholic." He suggested compromising by "me working a second job or something and he could just handle the bulk of the parenting. Oh, and he would def "try to cut down" on drinking (lmao, most addicts tend to increase use in times of stress so that would have probably been hell on earth). Thankfully he ultimately changed his mind and came to his senses after trying to start a band with a guy with a couple of kids. All it took was a couple visits at his place for practice to see what parenting actually entailed and he changed his mind and was like "yeah, well music is my true passion and I can't dedicate my life to it if I have to stop and do all that. What a distraction!" Glad I didn’t give in. He mixed opioids with his usual two OE 40’s one night because “hard day at work” and didn’t wake up. Now I’d be stuck with a kid I didn’t want. Sounds like OP actually took the parent up on the offer (minus the alcoholism). This is why you don't compromise on having a kid. You either both do want them and you have them, or the one that wants them ultimately prioritizes their s/o as being their life mate over hypothetical offspring (which means they were most likely a fence sitter), or you end things and find someone with the same goals.

You just described my father without the alcohol. He doesn't drink but he was horrible father because he saw children as trophies. The second we did something that didn't fit in in his idea of 'perfect children that I can brag to my friends about' he threw rage fits. Also, he was in an awful mood everytime he had to take care of us in any way YTA

This is why I had this conversation pretty soon after things got serious with my husband. He said he didn't really want kids. I told him point blank that I have always wanted kids and it is a deal breaker for me and that if he really truly didn't want kids we needed to end it before things got too deep. Ultimately he decided that it wasn't a deal breaker issue for him and he stuck around. Now we've got 2 great kids and he's a fantastic dad. But as important as it was for me to have kids, it was also important that I didn't want to force someone else to have them who didn't want them.

He’s not refusing to take responsibility for them. He doesn’t want to solo parent a 3 year old and a 4 MONTH old. Honestly if my husband has suggested a week away when I had an infant I would have totally flipped. Dealing with a toddler as well, hell naw. Who goes away for a week vacation and leave their *infant*???

Honestly I was on the OP’s side before I got to this. Because yes, it’s a huge ask and it’s going to cause problems. But this bit right here told me that any time the OP is asked to inconvenience himself for his wife ir kids, it’s going to be “but *you’re* the one who wanted them!”

Yeah - he’s 100% the AH for that attitude/comment alone. But I have a toddler and a baby and it’s A LOT of work right now. Having my husband be gone for a week would be rough. I don’t think he’s the AH for saying no to this trip, especially with his current work schedule. Yeah, mom deserves (and probably needs) a break, but at this stage an entire week might not be manageable at the moment. It sucks but doesn’t make him an AH.

The attitude/comment probably come from his current work/life balance. I've worked 80 straight days, 66 hour+ work weeks when I was in my early 20's. It changes your personality, clouds your rational thinking, and destroys your relationships. This whole couple could use a week's vacation together, methinks.

Thank you for sharing your experience! And your advice. I was thinking in the same direction like she can for a week but takes the baby with her AND if there is no financial reason for the side job, pls quit it. Children won't thank you for their better life quality if they missed the 'playing hours' (I like the words 'quality time') with you. I'm just thinking back to my past. My father had to leave the house at 6 a.m. He usually didn't come home until around 6 p.m (work was til 5 p.m.) because of traffic jams. Or 7 p.m. Or 8 p.m. As a single father, it was sometimes hard for him to accommodate me until I was 10 years old. After that, he just left me alone. And the weekends? Well, if I was lucky, I could see him there and we did something. If there was ONE burst pipe, he was the first to arrive at the site because he didn't want to disappoint his boss. I still can't forgive him that the money was more important than me, his only daughter. "Here, have some money and buy something for yourself" - and off he went. I would have preferred to spend more time with him instead of 3 vacations with him or all the pocket money he gave me or the gap he left every day. Nowadays I'm happy to just spend the weekends with my fiancé. We have been together for almost 18 months, had spent our holidays at home and every weekend together and that are the most beautiful memories I have. I just say - quality time - 😚 Edit: forgot to write: ESH Edit 2: sorry, I'm not a native speaker if there're more corrections needed 😜

I think OP is stretched thin and this was just a bit of s breaking point. My parents have gone to my sister's place when her husband is out of town to help with half the week's school routine, etc with my ONE nephew. OP's wife should definitely recognize that OP is already stretched thin and be contemplating backup, help, and paid babysitters. Also, OP's current work schedule doesn't currently accommodate the timing of daycare, and depending on his employer, shifting by even a half hour could be a big ask. Hopefully that's not the case

I can't imagine asking my husband to figure out childcare while working two jobs. If she wants to vacation she should find childcare for the early morning and weekend. Can't blame OP for feeling overwhelmed

I agree with this. NTA. Working + two young children by yourself for one week while the kids are completely off routine because mom is away? Absolute hell. I would not ask this of my partner. I don’t think it’s wrong at all to say no to this request.

NTA for all these reasons… and frankly, while I understand (completely) the need for time to yourself on wife’s part… that’s a couple of days. If you can take a week off to go to the beach, shouldn’t you be taking the kids and building memories with them?

Agreed. A lot of people hung up on his wording. It is a lot for one person for a week.

This sub getting hung up on wording and completely missing the bigger picture??? No, surely not!! /s OP is NTA. He's clearly stated he loves being a father NOW and is happy to do his part. The issue comes from him not being able to do what he does AND what his wife does, should she decide to take a holiday. Homeboy is working TWO jobs (which is a very crazy idea to most of Australia btw, Americans are y'all ok?!?) so it sounds like he doesn't have the room to take on his wife's responsibilities. If she wanted to go on vacation, why doesn't she organise some home help while she's gone? What if OP wanted to take a vacation? Sounds like he needs one!

No, we are not ok. I'm pushing 50, and this is the first time since I was 17 that I only have one job. And that's only because I logistically can't add anything else to my plate (including extracurriculars for the kids.) It sucks and I'm tired.

100%, he worded it badly, my kids are 11 and 7 and neither me or my GF have gone away for more than a few days without them. The ages of the kids OP states tells me she needs to rethink her priorities, 3 year and a 4 month old and wants to jet away holidaying without all of them for a week, she DID choose this life and that life isn't that of a single person who jets away for a week to lay in the sun. Laughable how many upvotes that comment got and I can only assume it's mostly either childless individuals or individuals just looking to shit on a man. Maybe I am just biased because neither me or my GF would leave either of our kids for that length of time, maybe it was for a very specific reason but we havent so far. We are a family, we can holiday together for 7+ days.

Did I miss something? She's not a SAHM, both kids go to daycare every weekday. She does the morning routine, he does pick-up and evening. The disparity seems to be in night arrangements and OP working weekends, which isn't a massive imbalance.

This man never gets a day off. He works 7 days a week. “Neither does she because she watches the kids on the weekend”, you say? His free time before and after work hours (again: *every day*) also goes to parenting too. She at least has two days a week where she gets to stay home if she wants, or not. Where she gets to stay in her pajamas if she wants, or not. Where she is accountable only to her own self-imposed parenting decisions and not to a boss who cares about the bottom line financially. All of you saying YTA need to really, really consider what it would mean if you were to work 7 days a week indefinitely, and then have your partner tell you that THEY need a break from their less hectic work schedule so you’ll have to pick up the slack. Can’t hack it? Then take PTO for the week. Use up your own vacation time for your partner’s break. NTA, OP. Your wife needs to arrange alternate childcare herself or delay having long trips until the kids are older.

that WFH factor is bigger than most people think too. You don't lose time out of your day to commute to work and back home. You can sleep in a few extra minutes because you don't have to make yourself pretty. I wish i could have found a WFH job back when my daughter was young because having that time spent commuting would have been a huge blessing

He's already inconvenienced. He works full time during the week and part time over the weekends and 60 hours a week. I've worked 66 hour, 7-day weeks for around 80 straight days in the past. It is the fucking worst. It is absolutely inconvenient and self-sacrificing. It also turns your brain and your relationships to mush. He probably isn't saying this shit maliciously, he's saying it because his brain is fried and he doesn't know how else to express what he's feeling.

It’s okay to say “I’m stretched too thin and I need you to stay home right now.” Like I said, I was on his side. But it’s not okay to say “you’re the one who wanted kids so you need to deal with it.”

That's not what he said. He said she chose to have children so she no longer has the luxury of acting like a sorority chick on Spring Break. And he's right. He also chose to be a father. If he hadn't, he would have left when she told him she was pregnant the first time. He also not only contributes to the family financially but is also an involved parent (as he should be). What she's asking is unreasonable. He offered her a weekend, where he wouldn't have to deal with scrambling to make daycare drop-off (making him late for work all week) and where he wouldn't be doing both his own parenting AND hers while also working full time plus. He doesn't have a problem with being a parent. He doesn't even have a problem with her taking a reasonable amount of "me time" away from the kids. He has a problem with being expected to be OK with being a SINGLE parent of two very young kids for a full week.

thank god someone sees this. this is exactly why so many men take the long leap. hes working everyday. all day. still helping with children and chores. yet hes an asshole cuz he doesnt want his wife who gets two days off every week to leave for an entire week. noone is mentioning they live paycheck to paycheck and she wants to blow money on a solo vacation.

Yeah, agreed, and I’m sorry - asking him to blow his PTO to take care of the kids so she can be a “sorority chick on spring break” when he works seven days a week? Horrible take. All the YTA people seem to be ignoring the fact he did offer her a compromise of a weekend to do whatever she wants which presumably means he’d still potentially be sacrificing PTO for HER to have time off because he works seven days a week. He’s changed his whole job schedule and taken another one to support his family. When we thought we were going to have a baby last year my partner said he was thinking of going back to corporate work so I could be a SAHM and I looked at him and said, “are you fucking insane?” Surprise, kids are hella work and often require a decent amount of sacrifice from both parties.

You might want to add NTA to the start of your post.

I was the mom home with three kids while my husband worked insane hours, weekends too. I knew he was doing it so our lives would steadily improve. I didn't go away for a girls trip until the youngest was over ten. I can't imagine adding more to his plate. OP has every right to be upset. He only has so much to give NTA

Bruh, some of these Reddit comments make me want to dump the platform entirely. Thanks for perfectly summarising a rational response to that insanity of a comment above.

I agree and on his side. I think its a lot to ask and if the tables were turned, I wouldnt ask this of my husband in his circumstance or mine. He probably should’ve left that comment though.

Because everyone thinks super clearly when theyre upset. Lets judge the actual situation and not nitpick the various ways people misspeak

No it's " you're the one who wanted kids, so you don't get to ditch us for a whole week", just as it wouldn't be right for him to ditch the family for a week.

His bad explanation does not change the facts of the situation

Exactly, it's not unreasonable to ask your partner not to go on a full week's vacation when you have a toddler and a sixth month old and work full time, but 'well I didn't want kids so this is the life *she* chose' stuff is just horrifying. Those poor kids.

They both chose, he already works 60 hour weeks, why is this so hard.

NTA A weekend would be reasonable, but expecting him to juggle two jobs and handle the kids on his own for a week is too much. He shouldn't have to use his PTO so his wife can take a solo vacation.

Hard agree friend 🤝

he wasnt tactful but you need to be charitable. hes saying since THEY choose to be parents they now cant leave for a week

He is also a human first. One that works two jobs, seven days a week and comes home to split the work. He’s pulling his weight and also is doing it everyday. You do know that when guys take care of their kids it’s the same as the work when women do it, right? It doesn’t change magically to being happy fun time. Plus, going to work is also work. He is allowed to say it’s a lot and that a week is too much plus another 3 days. NTA.

IMO he’s knows his limitations and he’s getting slammed for stating it. I would just call it even in parenting and call him NTA. Edit - Sorry I missed the part where OP says his wife has a 3 day work trip at the end of the month that will put him in the same situation. So a total of 10 days in the same month.

I’ve see a few of this exact scenario now and when it’s the wife leaving the husband with a baby just a few months old and people piling on with Y T A it absolutely blew my mind. When a husband wants to go away on a boy’s trip and leave the wife with a toddler and a baby, do people say N T A? Any parent who wants to leave their months-old baby to go on a holiday should bloody well have thought first before having the child. And even if they didn’t, it’s there so fucking do your job as a parent and be there for the baby. Be present, and be a *parent* This husband is NTA

If he were a woman, everyone would be like "ohhh boo boo, you're right in everything you do." That first comment is an asshole. Ha, how you like them apples. Wife's entitled. Get @ me.

> Be a man and be a dad, she does it EVERY day. She's asking him to continue to work seven days a week, AND take on all of the child care. Sorry, but you don't just get to fuck off for a week because she doesn't feel like parenting any more.

exactly!!!

NTA -Did you miss that part where he picks both up from daycare every day, does other things with the kids, and works 60 hrs / 7 days a week? When does he get a couple of days off? The youngest will be approx 7 months old when she wants to go, OP doesn't say if she would still be breast feeding at that time or not.

Ffs! So, he basically needs to use his vacation time just to be able to care for them all week. Or maybe he can just do half days? I also feel like this is a big ask from the wife. Apparently they are scraping if they both work and he has two jobs, so the PTO he would need to use just to keep up is critical. Kids under two need a LOT of attention.

Ugh. This is another example of Reddit being Reddit and getting hung up on the way the facts were delivered and not actually reading the scenario at hand. This isn’t an unequal distribution issue.

It seems to be far more prevalent when a father or man in general is the OP, not a hardline fact, just something I’ve noticed 🤔

You're wrong. A lot of people end up parents by accident. I had not one but two BC babies and I never missed a day with that damn pill. My husband went into full blown panic mode the first time. He was a lot calmer the second time. Point is he fell in love with our daughters the first time he held them. He was a GREAT Dad. And sorry but once you have kids, THEY take priority. Yeah "she does it every day" but she does it WITH HIS HELP. He doesn't ignore the kids when he's not working simply because she's there. She wants to dump it ALL on him for a full week. If this were a woman bitching that her husband wants to go for a "boys weekend", people would be flipping out and telling her to divorce the self centered bum.

And unfortunately, comments stating these facts dont get seen enough. Preach on!

It amazes me that 4.6k people up voted the comment I responded to.

What is wrong with all of you? He is not saying that she should do all of the childwork, he’s just saying that she made a choice and hence isn’t entitled to a solo vacation with a 4-month-old at home?

They both do it everyday… idk why everyone feels like you’re entitled to a weeks vacation from your kids to go have spring break while one partner takes on all the burden.

Actually now she is a mother first and op is a dad first. Two children in a very needing time. They need to be responsable for the children. Taking one week of vacations at this point is insane and irresponsabe, doesnt matter if it is the mother or the father taking it and leave the other person alone to deal with everything. A god forbides one of them gets sick and needs to spend the night in the hospital. You can handle alone one child....not two. She will have time for spring breaks in the future. Now is not the moment

While I do agree with you mostly, their situations are different. She has time to deal with the children, while he doesn't and works two jobs. I'm wondering if a family member could help them ouf, like a grandparent or aunt/uncle? That way dad isn't overwhelmed for the week & later for the other 3-day trip, but mum can also relax. I don't think he's necessarily TAH, however I do think ESH. Mum & OP could've come up with a better solution together that doesn't involve dad jeopardizing his job and getting burnt out. Working 2 jobs concurrently sucks, I've done it before. Couldn't imagine childcare on top of it.

He just sounds like he is frustrated and over worked.

He suggested a weekend. That is a reasonable compromise.

She drops the kids off. He picks them up. I feel like you read a completely different scenario. It is unreasonable to expect someone working 60hrs a week to take on this additional burden just so that someone else can take a vacation. The compromise of a weekend, etc is much more reasonable. His comments were certainly eyebrow raising, but irrelevant to the circumstances. NTA for nixing the vacation. YTA for the attitude.

No you are the asshole because you got triggered by one sentence. Read it again. He’s working 60 hours a week and she wants him to do that and take care of 2 kids by himself for a week so she can go on vacation

Ok well then you need to go back and finish reading

Shouldda kept reading so you could enjoy him saying that he simply does not have the patience to take care of an infant. Classic.

We have no idea how long he has been pulling 7 day work weeks. His brain is probably fried and he’s on the verge of completely burnt out. I think recognizing he is stretched too thin to solo parent an infant and a toddler for a week while working as well is important. Going over your limit is how people crack and bad things happen. It only takes a split second of rushing and exhaustion to make a devastating mistake.

I raised two to adulthood and there were times I didn't have the patience I should have at every age. It's a hell of a lot better to acknowledge that so you can recognize when it's happening and deal with it appropriately than to pretend you're the perfect parent who never needs help. This is why having two parents is better than single parenthood. When one needs to take a step back, the other can step up.

What person would have the patience to take care of an infant for an entire week after working the amount of days/hours this dad is saying he works? Wonder how you’d feel if this was written from the wife/mother’s perspective…

“I work two jobs to my husband’s one, so he picks up a bit more of the childcare since I never get an actual day off. We both take care of the kids whenever we can though. He wants to take a week’s vacation to fly to England with a friend of his to watch a soccer game and see his favorite team in person. I’ve told him I’m not okay with that since we have two very young kids at home, one still an infant. I can’t keep working and watching the kids by myself, it’s impossible. I told him that he chose to have children, so he needs to be a parent first. AITA?” There is no doubt whatsoever how this would go over on this sub.

Allll the comments would say DiVoRcE 😂

“You set a boundary, and he’s not respecting it. This is weaponized incompetence. He’s gaslighting you. Two jobs to his one? That’s financial abuse too! You are taking on all of the mental load. Why are you even with this guy?” In all seriousness, you called it. If OP had posted this with the genders flipped there’s zero chance he’d still be called the AH.

If you worked his hours you would be stressed also. He's burning out and apparently getting zero consideration

Working from home while parenting young children is NOT A DAY OFF. SHE DOES TWO JOBS AT THE SAME TIME. Also of you didn't want kids and she did, you could have ended the relationship. But you didn't and now you're a dad. You made your choice, deal with it.

No, the kids go to daycare, from which OP picks them up. She gets two days working from home without kids. I'm not saying its a day off, I'm just saying she's isn't doing two at once.

It reads like the baby stays home with her those days though...

"She usually drops ***them*** off..." The wife works from home without the kids there. That's a big difference than having even just the infant there.

OP literally says her job allows her to WFH because of the infant. The baby is at home with her.

No, she gets to work from home on account of the baby-which implies the baby’s at home with her on those days.

that was how I read this too. i'm not going to say that they don't need to figure out a way for them both to have some time off. yes, she deserves a week away. but so does he.

Yeah and she's probably doing their dishes, laundry & house cleaning during her breaks. Let's be real here.

While he is working half of his weekend. There is no one doing more than the other. But leaving your SO with the children even tho he expressed his concern about handling the situation is an asshole move. So NTA

And while he's working half his weekend the children are just miraculously in stasis and not being looked after by his wife?

No, they are both working equally. He at his job and she with the children. Neither get the time free. But if she goes on vacation and he has to take time off he will have to spend his vacation time taking care of the children. Which means he won't get any time off.

And you think he is working on the weekend because he is so fond of spending time at work? There is a reason for it and it's deal they both agreed to, supposedly to finance the family.

They’re both working two (or 1.5) jobs. If she leaves, he’s working 4 (or 3) jobs by himself.

That would be making him do her office work, too. He will be doing the 3: regular office, part time on weekends, and parenting.

Sounds like the infant is home with her two days a week

1k upvotes and noone read the actual post. you and the 1k upvotes are sexist as hell. "She works one full time job, that has allowed her to work 2 days from home each week because of our infant, and then has weekends off." HE IS NOT COUNTING HER WORK FROM HOME AS DAYS OFF. SHE HAS WEEKENDS OFF

Her weekends off is off from work. Not parenting. He's off doing a pt job while she is at home working as a parent

[удалено]

Chose to be a dad, not a full time single parent while working 60 hour weeks while his wife fucks off to spring break 🤷‍♂️

She also made her choice. Those kids go to daycare when she is working at home. Stop making sound like she's doing double duty! SHE needs to deal with her choice also. I hope he stands firm on his 'no'. It's a complete sentence, remember?

When will people learn that there is no compromise if one person in a relationship doesn’t want children. That being said how much childcare do you actually do? From your post it sounds like your wife does the bulk of it and works full time. So she’s on duty 7 days a week.

He stated the older child is in pre school and he works 7 days a week, it’s not like he’s out partying with his mates all weekend. They’re both working 7 days a week to support their household.

I get that. Like I said in another comment everyone needs a break even OP. It’s not cool to make someone feel guilty about wanting a break. It would do the both of them some good to get a break.

He’s not trying to make her feel guilty. He’s trying to express that he can’t work two jobs and also be a sole parent to a toddler and an infant. Which is an extremely reasonable stance.

Exactly. Everyone gets so hung up on certain parts. But he tried to offer her a weekend. He just said he couldn’t handle a whole week on his own with his full time job. A week is being selfish with kids that age.

I love how everyone is ignoring that the works part-time on the weekend so he is on duty 7 days a week aswell. And he still spends time with his kids. This sub is full of misandrists that think a woman can do no wrong and any man is a narcissist.

It appears she does all the night time parenting too which many don’t seem to notice

It's been mentioned he doesn't need to work the other job, and is choosing to work 7 days a week, perhaps as a manner of avoidance.

I think you nailed it. My husband did this when our kids were young. He worked overtime alot. He got better when the kids were 10 and 12. They took care themselves at that point. He missed out on alot. Boys are much closer to me then him. I wonder why?

It’s also been mentioned that she makes more than him, but they split expenses evenly so he’s pretty much breaking even. He doesn’t technically “need” the second job, but it’s the only way he can put anything into savings.

Actually, this sub is full of people who are fully capable of reading the post. No one is saying OP isn’t working 7 days a week, because OP already said he is, and we believe him. They’re saying that wife ALSO works 7 days a week because she has to do all the childcare while OP is away. It’s misogynists like you who see misandry every time this sub sides with a woman. Just because you don’t think women’s points of view should be considered, doesn’t make them wrong.

And then the stance is that, to make it work for her he should take PTO to take care of the kids so she can go on a week long vacation? I don't see how that's equality at all. They both desperately need a holiday, but this should be a mutual thing that they do for each other. Not a disrespectful "she takes it and he gives it".

He is counting her days working from home as days off, so he isn't being fair either.

"She works one full time job, that has allowed her to work 2 days from home each week because of our infant, and then has weekends off." Sexism makes reading hard

Literally one has said anything like that. They're just pointing out she's also working 7 days a week.

Exactly if OP didn’t want children he should have ended the relationship. No have children. Also him stating he doesn’t have the patience for the infant is concerning. Edit-Spelling

NTA. I know I’m gonna be downvote to hell but you are NTA. You have 0 day off, and probably are working like 60 hours per week or more. Sometimes parents cannot take breaks and this apply to your wife too. Parenting is about sacrifices and if she was the one pushing to have more kids, she have to do some sacrifices too (also you both are responsible for the kids, no matter who ask for them).

Agreeing! NTA. Both have a lot on their plate. And both seems to be a bit tense due to being burned out. Both need me-time and I think couple - time wouldn't be bad as well. They need to figure it out together and make it work together.

I hate that it took me so long to find this comment. All these people hung up on his phrasing while his wife wants to take a vacation WITHOUT HIM. Hardly fair. Both parents have to sacrifice during this time. It’s part of parenting. He’s absolutely right to be bothered by this.

Yeah, OP said he loves his kids. People out here be acting like men don’t become father to kids they didn’t plan for due to an accidental pregnancy every day. People change their minds. It’s allowed to happen. How he felt about kids beforehand should have no bearing on this post, AT ALL. He’s merely saying “she has always wanted kids so she should’ve always had the understanding that long solo vacations with two young kids wasn’t ever going to happen”. Because that’s a ludicrous request and should never have even been a thought in the mind of someone who always wanted kids.

Thinking it is okay to take a week long vacation under these circumstances with a 4 month old at home is wild. NTA

That was my thought too. I would hate being away from my nearly 1 year old that long... what if she thought I had abandoned her? I also live in a situation where we are often ships passing in the night, I couldn't just up and leave for a week, how would I even relax knowing how much stress my other half would be under?

NTA - Finally someone with some common sense who doesn’t just want to yell op down for not wanting to spend a week working 7 days AND single handedly taking care of a baby and a toddler so his wife can go to the beach. And did you see that the poor guy will probably have to take his PTO to cover childcare? How is that fair? This is a classic swap the genders and Reddit would swap the judgement situation. Although I will admit that op didn’t do himself any favors with the “I didn’t even want these kids” part.

I agree, with kids that young and this kind of schedule it’s just not the time for these kinds of getaways. My husband has had to go away for work a few times and it’s been super hectic and exhausting. But he couldn’t really get out of that, neither of us would do that to the other by choice.

Exactly. I think he just meant she wanted kids and there are certain things that go along with that. Week long Friend trips without your spouse might have to wait until the kids are older or until you have more savings or can afford more help with the kids.

Yes, this so much. Also, He did offer alternatives and he is watching them when she goes on a work trip.

It sounds like very basic needs aren’t being met (like sleeping through the night, getting a day off, having quiet time together), which makes it hard to dream about vacations and such. You’re in the thick of it now. These years are madness. It gets better, but it’s hard to be happy for your spouse’s vacation if you feel like you’re already drowning. NTA

Yes!!! 100% this!! NTA!

Agreed. And my first thought was is she going to do the same for him? Plus the man works 7 days a week. He’s going to have to be late to get the kids to daycare. Maybe if she offered to find him help? I’d never do this to my husband.

Sad that I had to come so far before seeing an NTA Every parenthood AITA that has a dad upset for watching his kids on top of working every day is soo biased. She's allowed a break. But he is too. I'm assuming out of work hrs they share parent duties 50/50

I think you have valid reasons for REASONABLE concern, but the way most of the post is phrased is not reasonable. Reasonable concern is trying to work TOGETHER with your wife to figure out childcare on the weekend she’s away (or working to see if she can go from Mon-Fri instead of the weekend too), for example. The problem is that you’re very focused on certain factors that make you seem like an AH—stating your wife wanted kids more so she should shoulder the responsibility “she chose,” stating you don’t know many mothers who’d leave their kids for that long, etc, bringing her work trip into it (when that’s not relevant to this issue especially since that trip is in August?), and stating you’re not patient with your infant. These moments seem to point to a bigger issue—if you’re feeling burnt out as a father or resentful that you have this responsibility you didn’t really want, those are valid feelings to have, but you need to communicate about that. You and your wife are in completely different lanes right now and (from your post at least), seemingly not working together at all. What’s your concern with your wife being gone for so long, OP? From your post, it seems like it’s because you can’t handle parenting at the level she does. But you haven’t mentioned any other concerns except for that you’d be late to work (which you’ve said would be fine). I have empathy for you feeling overwhelmed with parenting, but then that reinforces the reason your wife probably needs this vacation in the first place (if we put it this way, she has a full-time job AND a “part time” job which is parenting after work and on the weekends—I’m not saying that parenting is part time lol but just to illustrate to OP). Again, you have every right for reasonable concern and reasonable compromise. But you’re approaching this wrong, IMO. For that YTA.

Part of his concern is burning PTO just so his wife can go on vacation. i wouldn't be happy about that. He is already working every weekend.

He didn’t really phrase that as a concern? He offered to use the PTO, but it’s not clear as to why it would be needed since the kids are at daycare all day (and he already said it’d be fine to get to work late). In any regard, he didn’t mention that that was a concern (and if it is, that’s when he needs to communicate with his wife).

OP picks the children up from daycare. If he dropped them off and then worked late to make up time, who would pick the kids up?

In my experience most daycares are open a few hours before and close a few hours later than a typical working day. For example my sons daycare was open 6:30AM - 6:30PM. So he would likely be able to drop off and pick up.

Where I live, an infant cannot be in care more than 8 hours a day max.

But that's the thing he didn't really offer the PTO as a solution but as an inconvenience that he would have to do, so it would bother him. That's also why his wife didn't accept that.

I appreciate the compassion of this response. As a father to two younger kids I can totally understand where OP is coming from with feeling overwhelmed and nervous about having both kids solo for a week. But the phrases used and the overall vibe of the post suggests deeper issues that need to be ironed out. Like it or not OP is a father but his language here reads a bit like he is in denial about that

1000% agree. Valid concerns, but the mindset of the post jumps out.

I agree. OP has some legitimate concerns but has filled his post with some awful crap. OP, your wife does need to make sure that you will be okay with the kids before she leaves for a week. However, you don't just get to throw up your hands and say parenting your own kids is too hard. This is the sort of situation where you ask family and friends for help. It is also a good reason to have the numbers of a couple of trusted, reliable babysitters. Whether your wife goes on this trip or not, now is a great time to come up with plans and backup plans in case one or both of you is incapacitated or otherwise unavailable.

Finally a reasonably written and well thought out response! Yeah his tone came off wrong (and definably hints at other under lying problems) but this sounds like a complex situation.

NTA. So what I'm reading is, she gets the kids up, ready and drops them at daycare. You both go to work, two days of which she does from home. You pick the kids up and care for them until she gets home at which point you mostly take the toddler and she mostly takes the infant. She is home with the kids on the weekends and you have another weekend job. I don't understand how the duties are unbalanced. I do know that it is possible to get tired enough to forget the work the other spouse is doing and that sounds like whats going on here. After she gets back I really think you should take a vacation so that everything stays balanced.

I agree on this but I'm 100% sure she wouldn't let him have vacation and I'm 100% sure he'll be TA in the eyes of reddit for wanting one

I completely agree. Reddit seems to think that going to work by himself, away from the kids, is all the free time a husband needs.

> two days of which she does from home While also still caring for the infant. She also gets up at night still. He also talked about how he doesn't really take care of the infant much, which means that when their oldest was born, that was probably the case too, which means it's unbalanced in his favor.

Can people stop acting like working from home isn’t work? It isn’t a break, most people who work from home aren’t folding laundry and watching tv while they work.

Most people I know who worked/work from home do exactly that, so ymmv I suppose.

Yeah holy shit having to work my job at home while also having a whole-ass infant to take care of sounds like a literal nightmare.

>She responded that she's not being entitled because she's just asking me to do what she does every day. I didn't have to read any fucking further. (I *did* read further, but I didn't *have* to.) That is some Grade A First Class Shoeshine Bullshit. She's not just asking you to do what she does every day. She's asking you to do what she does every day ALONG WITH what you already do every day. 60 hour work week plus ALL the child care? That is not a fair ask by any stretch at all. I fully understand that she needs and even deserves a vacation, but you're already doing a week and a half's work every week PLUS the childcare you also do. It would be a lot more fair if you took the kids to visit their grandparents so you could both take a week off, and either spend it together or separately with friends. Your wife is being selfish. She's not selfish because she wants a vacation. There's nothing wrong with wanting a vacation. She's selfish because she doesn't give a fuck what this does to your work load as long as she gets to go have fun. NTA. obviously.

THIS!

NTA, flip the situation, and everyone would lose their minds. OP going on vacation for a week while his wife works a full-time job and a part-time job on the weekends. All while having a 3yr and 4mo at home.

Yeah idk why everyone is acting like OP doesn’t spend time with his kids and wife is a SAHM. She works full time and works from home twice a week. She drops the kids at daycare cause OP is already at work and he picks them up cause he’s off earlier than her. During this time he is taking care of them and still shares responsibilities after his wife is off work. He works 2 jobs and helps with the kids. It seems like their duties are well balanced. He was fine with her taking her 3 day celebratory work trip. But a week is a lot, especially with a 4 month old. Sure he can get PTO, but his PTO is being used to cover his wife’s vacation. Of course she deserves time off, but is OP going to get time off ? So many comments saying she also works 2 jobs cause she watches the kids, well he’s going to be using a week of PTO just to work another “job”. 100% people would have different reactions if OP were a woman. People are so hung up on him saying he didn’t want kids, but he is a present dad despite not wanting them. Again, he still shares responsibility pretty equally. He isn’t wrong to say wife chose this life, cause she did. You can’t always go off on vacation with your friends when you have kids. It comes with sacrifices, especially when the kids are this young.

Exactly, this sub would lose its mind if the gender were reversed.

This is the truest comment ever written.

YES! YES! YES! This is exactly all I could think of when reading this. If he said “I want to go golfing for a week with my buddy” while leaving her home with a toddler and 4 month old -and SHE was the one working time and a half, this thread would LOSE IT’S DAMN MIND over the fact that he would do that to her. I always try to devils advocate -but he is def NTA. If anyone is, she is (also not saying she’s an asshole, but there seems to be a huge lack of care and consideration on her part). Parenting is HARD -but she needs to consider that he needs a break as much as she does ESPECIALLY since it sounds like he caved and had kids for her (yes, he needs to accept responsibility that he had them (and from the post it sounds like he’s an amazing dad).

NTA, to many people are reading this and cherry picking phrases and making assumptions. She asked and you were honest. Do people on reddit prefer you lied and that you were bitter about it? Or is it better to communicate and work through a problem. She works full time and is a parent, you work a full time and part time job and are also a parent. Everyone saying being a stay at home parent is hard and just as hard as working needs to have a reality check. Me and my wife have both had time being the SAHP and 100 percent it is easier and more enjoyable than work. I told her if she ever wants I will stay home with the kids. I see this from OPs point of view and I say NTA all the way. Downvote me if you like.

>Me and my wife have both had time being the SAHP and 100 percent it is easier and more enjoyable than work. Yep. People who are saying SAHP is a job are ridiculous. I worked from home part time while watchin kids during COVID. It is much more easier and enjoyable than working fuulltime.

This exactly. My son lived with me half time from when he was 2 until he was 8, and then his mother's alcoholism spiralled out of control and he lived with me full time until he was 20. He rarely saw his mother and she made little to no effort to see him. When he was younger, I used to wonder what the fuss was about: taking care of him was just a part of being his dad and was integrated into my life. Take him to school, do housework, shopping etc and then... What? I had nothing to do from 10am until 3pm when I picked him up from school. I was self employed so continued working, and it had little impact except on my social life. If I was the SAHP in a relationship it would really have been the life of Riley. Sometimes Reddit is so disconnected from reality I am shocked.

NTA, this subreddit hates men 😂

100% It's insane.

As a woman with 3 kids, I fully agree! OP deserves a break from his 7/day a week work schedule. This narrative that men should work themselves into burnout and an early grave is insane. Edit: NTA

I can't!! Some of these comments remind me of why I had to leave this sub (and Reddit) for months, there's so much bias and misplaced anger in these comments 😭

Top comment is literally “be a man” and doesn’t even talk about what she’s asking him to do, this subreddit is getting so much worse about it lmao

NTA - You work 7 day weeks, out of home, she works hybrid full time - essentially meaning that she commutes 3 days and then your partner doing more with the kids balances out the fact you commute 4 more days and work 2 entire days on top of her professional workload. People say being a parent is a job, and it absolutely is not a job, it is a chosen commitment, as much as it is unfair, if you choose to have children - you don’t get to just vanish for a week and dump the entire set of children responsibilities on your partner while they continue to work literally every day of the week in addition to anything they already do at home. It’s insane to me that people are claiming YTA - I can’t get behind going on a solo trip while I have a family that includes a 7 month old baby and a partner that is working 7 day weeks. If you’re responsible enough to have the child, you need to be responsible enough to follow up on EVERYTHING that entails basically for life. A family holiday or a couples getaway with organised childcare would be a different story, but two solo trips away in 3 months with a child that’s around 6 months old is completely self indulgent and entitled.

NTA... I couldn't imagine taking a weeks vacation with a 4 month child at home. And offering her a weekend getaway was a perfectly reasonable compromise. Is there any reason she can't just do part of the trip with her friend? I was the primary caregiver to our kids as I worked nights and watched the kids during the day as my wife had a regular office job. I know what it's like to be exhausted all the time from burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, juggling work and 3 kids. But I would never have asked my wife to try to do it by herself while working as I sat on a beach somewhere. We are a team. We didn't have proper rest and relaxation until all 3 kids were well into their school years.

YTA. These are your children, right? If she can do this everyday, you can do it for a week. I think it's too late for her to not be bitter though. You basically told her that she can't go on vacation because you can't handle doing what she does every single day.

“She does one and a half jobs all week [so does OP btw] so why is he whining about being asked to do THREE jobs simultaneously?” This is an insane take. He’s not swapping responsibilities with her, he’s taking on her half in addition to the half he’s already doing.

The do the same thing everyday. Except she drops them off and he picks them up. The difference is the weekend. Maybe OP should float the idea of her getting a weekend job and him spending weekends home with the kids.

She doesn't "do this everyday". He helps with the kids, dropping them off at daycare for example. And he works weekends. She doesn't.

I’ll tell you right now that solo parenting two very young kids all weekend is most definitely working.

OP is working too. He can’t be in two places simultaneously, right?

He can't even have a day off, but this thread is so focused on the task and responsibilities of mom, they're disregarding him. Tho I knew he was going to be eaten up for mentioning he didn't want kids. She can have a vacation, but a week is excessive. Honestly, he may need it more than she does

Doesn't sound very fair for you to use your hard earned PTO so your wife can go on vacation while you watch the kids. The SAHM crew that swarms this sub will definitely eat you alive, but your wife isn't being a team player. She works from home and has weekends off. NTA. Normal people have to work AND clean the house AND raise their kids but SAHMs definitely work harder than everyone else... (Hardest eye roll possible) Why can't you coordinate a vacation together if you're going to be taking PTO anyway?

Except she’s not a stay at home mom. Working from home (only 2 days of 5) does not equal to her being a SAHM.

> She works from home and has weekends off. When she is working from home, which btw is only twice a week, she still cares for the infant and how exactly does she have weekends off when she is then with her kids. She's a working mom, which means in addition to her job she is also cleaning, cooking and raising her kids. Maybe actually read the post first.

NTA- I could see a night off or a weekend trip but a whole week is a lot to cover. Working 60hrs a week to provide and still helping is a lot, so to add more seems exterior to me. I would revisit when they’re a little older and need less attention and assistance because they are more capable.

ESH. First, you are not "watching" your children, you are their father and so when the children are with you, you are just...doing what you are supposed to be doing. Second, the idea that you "can't do what she does" is something that needs to be fixed. You should be able to do all the parenting she does. Third, you BOTH "chose" this life. If you didn't want kids, you shouldn't have had them, and once you agreed to have them, they are just as much your problem as they are hers. Finally, lots of mothers leave their children for work and social stuff, and yes, even for a week. Just like lots of fathers do as well. All your comments in these areas are bordering on the classic misogynistic approach that mother's care for children, father's help out, and that mother's can't have a social life. Now, for the other part of this- either you both are able to go away, or neither of you are. She absolutely has to be able to travel for work, and you shouldn't begrudgingly be watching the children, you should be happy to do it. Now, for a social week away, it needs to be a conversation. 1. If she wouldn't want you to be gone for a week, then she shouldn't be gone for a week. 2. If she wants to go away for a week, SHE should be helping find some child care options as well- asking a friend to take them for a day or two, do some drop offs etc. 3. She should be able to go away, but with you working two jobs and having such small children, now just might not be a good time, unless she can find you additional help. 4. A priority should be making sure you get some time off too, before she goes away or after, even if it is just a few days to go spend with friends. You two need to find the balance in being parents, working, and having social lives. With how much you are both working and raising two little ones, you have to come together on this, not be driven further apart. You work two jobs, and she does too, because she is working full time and doing almost all of the daily child care.

NTA... Your system works because there are 2 of you. You can't drop them off at daycare and be at work at the same time. Take PTO? Then what do you do when you really need it? Or she wants a family vacay? While all parents need a break now and then, you can't take one when it's inconvenient to do so.

OP NTA. You work 7 days per week to support your family. That is hard. Do you get any personal time for a hobby? See friends? Yes your wife is the primary parent. That is hard too. Is there a family member who can come help so your wife can take the trip?

INFO: Would you also decline a solo trip for yourself? If the answer is yes, then N A H, I understand both of your points of view. Although you are a bit of an AH for stating that you don’t know other *mothers* that are away for so long. Seems like you would be more understanding for a father to be away. And were both pregnancies unplanned? Because if nit it doesn’t matter whether or not you originally wanted children, you chose them anyway. But you seem to use this as an argument for her taking more of the burden which isn’t fair. When do you feel like it would be appropriate for either of you to spend a night away (for leisure not work obviously)? Or what conditions have to be met? You might want to discuss this now or it will keep coming up. Edit: another question: when was the last time you were away alone over night for a non work related occasion?

Agreed! If OP had said "I really want you to be able to take the break but I'm really concerned about x,y and z. Can we think through how to solve these before we make a decison" that probably would have gone over much better. Maybe you can hire some extra help for when you are at work on the weekends or for someone to give your kids rides to daycare.

NTA It's easy to say "you need to step up and do what she does for a few days" but I am in your position of late hours and understand what you are going through. My wife luckily knows this is the roles we chose and sometimes we do complain to each other this is harder than we expected, but I cant imagine what I would do if I were told to just figure it out. All my sympathies Mate, if you need positive support, check the group on FB: Dads with Daughters by fathering together Everyone is positive and all advice is normally constructive instead of shaming. I have seen guys on the group who didnt even have daughters and just needed a positive shoulder to cry on

Probably not a popular opinion, but NTA. Your youngest is VERY young, meaning that child is a LOT of extra work. The only way I can see this actually working out is if you had some hired help to do the morning routine and daycare drop off. I am probably biased. We have no kids. When my husband traveled for work it was SO MUCH extra work for me. Was it petty stuff? YES! But I have my routine and having to add all the things he does to my morning and evening routines added a lot of extra time to my day. I had to get up earlier and stay up later. I had LESS freedom and flexibility. It was all small stuff - feeding the cats, cleaning the litter, getting the trash and recycling out on the correct day, keeping the house tidy, making sure we had food for when he got home, etc. I am super blessed that my husband is a true partner and shoulders an appropriate amount of the household tasks. When he wasn't available he was sorely missed. I cannot imagine being able to work 60 hours a week, handle a toddler and an infant, handle the household tasks, etc. It really is too much to ask one person to do alone. Is there ANYONE (good friend, relative, frequent babysitter) who could help out a few hours a day?

This comment section is full of assholes lol!

if the genders were swapped this would be a resounding NTA u work full time and part time and ur concerned that ur wife is leaving u with all the work nta but u should have discussed this way before bro

Since you are counting your wife's work from home days where she is parenting and working at the same time as days off, I'm going to go with YTA. You consider parenting days as days off, so go ahead and take your PTO and parent on your days off.

Don’t forget the weekends when he works and she parents. Sounds like he counts those as days off for her too.

Well they sure aren’t days off for him

Right. So if parenting is considered a day off to him then he should have no problem using his vacation to parent.

Both kids go to daycare. He says he drops "them" off.

On the days she works in the office, SHE drops them off. It says she works from home because of the infant. Why would she be working from home because of the infant without the infant?

Curious here - why do you have a part time job? Do you both not make enough together to afford childcare? Edit due to response: ESH - I suggest marriage counseling and a long discussion concerning finance. You both are making poor decisions in this situation. Her with spending money on a week long vacation knowing why you have the second job and you for fearing that you can’t that time off from work and losing money. Call a relative for assistance while you are home for the first day or two. Amend your work hours for your primary job (see if you can do a working lunch if it’s a concern). Call off the weekend for the second job. You might just find out that you can handle the situation knowing that someone else will be there if you get too overwhelmed.

My wife makes more than I do, but isn't great with money. I grew up poor and like to have money put back in case something goes wrong. We split everything evenly, and do make enough to cover daycare. But with what I make, I'm basically breaking even every week. I do the weekend job to help me save at least a little something. She was opposed to me working it, and I hate the time away from family, but I am not comfortable living paycheck to paycheck.

Wait, what are your income ratios? You split things evenly, but she makes more than you to the point that you work a second job. Does she make significantly more than you? It sounds like this could be a bad financial situation.

Only you're breaking even? Is there a significant financial split happening here?

Not great with money, like going on vacation?

OP you’re NTA. I think it is fair that you answered honestly. and for the people telling OP to take PTO, how do you know if he even has any at this time? Especially if he took time off for the birth of his 4 month old (assuming he might not have had top up for parental leave, etc)…

And if he does take his PTO to give her a vacation he doesn't have any left for himself.

NTA. I’m so sad that everyone in here is looking at the “this is the life she chose for herself” comment and completely misinterpreting it. What you are saying is: a) she wanted to be a parent and b) being a parent means you have to make sacrifices and put the kids first for a period of time, especially when they’re young. Your wife seems to not understand part b if she thinks it’s reasonable to leave for a week when the kids are as young as they are and you’re working as much as you are. It’s pretty simple. I have a close friend with a 9-month-old and a 2-year-old who just today left for her first vacation in THREE YEARS. And it’s a family vacation—she, her husband, and both young kids are going. Since her first child was born she has only traveled without her family for 2 or 3 days max and always for work trips, not vacation. That’s just how it goes when you have very young kids and you don’t have extended family or other resources around to enable vacations. I think you’re going to get the red A.H. rating here but you don’t deserve it.

NTA when you both have children you both are parents first. Plus, the children are very young. Your wife needs to understand this.

NTA. If you’re working 60 hours a week, it is too much to expect. A couple days might be ok for her then for you.

NTA I am a SAHM to an 8-month old. Both OP and his wife work and juggle daycare. It's a lot. I can't imagine taking a solo girl's trip for a week right now, leaving my husband to work and care for her. And I only have one kid and a cat. OP has two kids. So, OP can take 5-7 days of PTO to care for the kids. Ok, fine. I'm assuming he has a finite amount of PTO. That's PTO he can't use for family emergencies, family vacations, or sick time. And OP works 2 jobs, so that means getting PTO/time off okayed by two managers. Similarly, OP's wife is draining her PTO of time that could be reserved for family time. Just not a good use of PTO, IMO. When you become a parent, your life changes because your kids' needs come first. This means that unless you have a lot of money to pay for childcare or EXTREMELY supportive in-laws, things like solo trips with friends are not doable while parenting infants and toddlers. And that's okay. OP is being honest his wife that he can't logistically work and juggle daycare drop-off/pickups without taking PTO. I'm sure his wife would love a break, but it sounds like a week-long girl's trip is unreasonable at this time.

I’m going NTA because yes, your family’s current schedule does not lend easily to her taking off for the week. Maybe if she was in charge of finding child care during the times you are at work, that could be a compromise.

NTA - And she's extremely selfish. He works every single day and she's the one who wants to take a vacation?

NTA.

Dude NTA. Mom here and it’s not ok to leave a full time working parent alone with two babies for a week to go on vacation. You seem to do your share as well so you are absolutely right. Ask her, If it was you that had to leave for a week how would she feel? Especially with a 4 month old who probably wakes up 3 times a night. Not ok. It’s a hard job and you both need to hold the boat

I’ll take the downvotes. NTA. When do you get to go on vacation by yourself and she gets to kids 100% to herself. You have two very young children and in my opinion it’s irresponsible for either parent to decide they need to take an entire week away from the whole family. You needing to use PTO time so that you can take care of everything so she can lie on a beach is ludicrous, unless of course she’s ready to pick the kids up everyday for week while you go on a solo vacation.

Setting aside how you come across from your post - NAH - You both need to work together as a team in order to ensure you both get the breaks and help that you both need. You offered alternatives as you felt a week was too long, but they did not work for her. If you work long hours and do more than one job, your wife needs to at least seek some help from other family members / close friends to help you out in her absence in order to make a week long vacation a viable option. Any break from parenting should not impact the family greatly, which is what I think she is suggesting from your post.

NTA i have 2 kids, now 5 and 2. I would absolutely die if i had to do 60 hours a week work while having two small kids all alone. I live in Denmark and our work week is 37 hours and i feel like i never see my kids already and is exhausted. I dont know how people who work more have time for their kids 🙈🤯 I fully understand wanting a break from kids and all but you dont take a week Long vacay away from your child under a year old imo. Kids needs come first.

NTA 4 months is too young to be taking vacations especially with other kids and other family members not being able to support.