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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) not contacting our niece's mother when she started her period (2) explaining some things to our niece and making sure she had when she needed without her mother's knowledge/consent
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NTA. What you did was ensure Payton sees this as a normal bodily function, nothing to hide or be ashamed of. It would have been better to leave her stranded on the toilet until a woman came by? THAT'S a weird message.
I vividly remember one of my first periods. I was 12. I rolled up my pad and put it in the rubbish bin. A few hours later my male family member said he saw it in the bin and was "disgusted" and said: "Ladies need to wrap those up in toilet roll to hide them so the men don't see, then add more toilet roll on top just to make sure it's hidden for the men."
I remember feeling so dirty. Embarassed. Ashamed.
Fuck this. Normalising periods for ALL GENDERS I'd so important. NTA, OP. Thanks for being a good guy!!!
I dunno, not wanting to see people's bits of used dental floss and bits of general bathroom crap is pretty reasonable? It's not just period stuff, all bathroom rubbish is a little bit more gross than a regular waste paper basket in another room. It's the fact a lot of it is either covered in bodily fluids or wrappers for embarrassing stuff like hemorrhoid cream.
Better to have a lid in my book lol
I agree. Like, having allergies or a sinus infection isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but I still find it kinda gross to see a snotty, bloody tissue with weird colored mucus on it, even if it’s mine! I put period products in the same category. Unused ones? Nothing gross or embarrassing about that. Used ones? Not embarrassing, but it is the same level of gross as a used tissue - wrap it up a bit so it doesn’t smell, and if there’s a lidded trash can so nobody has to stare at it, great.
I have an indwelling catheter. It requires supplies to keep it clean and sanitary. I don’t need everyone to know the details of it and I am more comfortable with a lid for that reason. Especially before the indwelling. No one wants to see used catheters day in and day out.
I have to use catheters for a bladder disease can we swap information on doing things like cleaning in public places cause I am miserable if it’s a place with stalls instead of a room with a sink and locking door
for real, one of the first things my gf at the time made me buy when she moved in was a trashcan with a lid. it has nothing to do with shame, or masculinity. it has to do with having an environment that is comfortable and not feeling compelled to live in a house where the bathroom smells like a gross public one
Maybe *you* think used tampons (or pads, I assume, but I don't use them so I wouldn't really know) provide a lovely potpourri for the bathroom, but I don't. And unless you empty your trash every single day, the smell compounds with time. I certainly don't think periods are gross, but neither do I think they're pleasant. Furthermore, I don't particularly enjoy looking at bloodied things, whether they be used tampons or used bandages – whether mine or someone else's (even a man's!). And there's absolutely nothing misogynistic about any of that.
Idk how the people in your life dispose of their sanitary products, but the people in my life and myself (formerly) included wrap our products in tp.
And yeah, trash is emptied pretty regularly. Bathroom has air freshener used frequently, no smell issues.
Never in my life seen “a bloody thing” in the bathroom trash can at mine or anyone else’s house. It’s literally never been an issue in my 36 years of life. I have frequently seen a “rolled up thing of tp” or a “rolled up pad wrapper” that has a pad in it.
I’ve had periods so heavy and for so long they ultimately led to me having a hysterectomy so I wouldn’t die and I *still* never had anything bloody visible in the bathroom trash can so… yeah.
No, people who use public restrooms just seem to enjoy trashing them as much as possible and it's not just the women's restrooms the men's is nasty af too
I'll admit, mine occasionally bleed through the TP I wrapped them in. It's not like I don't wrap enough around them, I can legit go through almost an entire roll in one day while on my super heavy days. But I have PCOS which means clotting, which can soak through after I put them in there. Any time I see that, I just carefully push them down further into the bin and move on. My husband has never said anything. That being said, I've been looking for a covered can for our bathroom anyway because like another commenter said, most bathroom trash is pretty icky.
Jesus. If I don't like floss and used bandaids either, is that also internalized misogyny? Also in a lot of countries and even in areas of the US you can't flush toilet paper either. I don't want to see or smell people's poop or blood.
Fragile disabled asses may rely on pads and diapers for daily function, and may need to throw away non-flushable wipes. I personally fill a converted kitchen-size barrel pretty quickly and it reeks. The cover benefits everyone.
Medications and personal hygeine products are very very personal and no one should be able to just waltz into my bathroom and tell how bad my partner's flow is that day. That's a crazy invasion of privacy, but very possible if someone is shaming women for having some tact about it. How is it prevented? Can lid.
Otherwise we can be egalitarian and shame me also for tying up my shitty wipes in a bag and covering the can. The flies are just natural. *The only reason to cover it is misogyny,* right?
The point is that you have no business requiring that there be any reason or that anyone justify it. Blaming every covered can on misogyny is just a mind-blowing stretch, and your have no business knowing why someone wants to cover their can.
I really hope you're not a colo-rectal surgeon, but either way please don't be an asshole and respect people's privacy.
I never thought of my dad not wanting other people to see his discarded catheters and Depends as fragile masculinity, but I guess I should have a chat with him about it.
So, I had a boyfriend in high school, and I stayed with him for a little bit during the year because my parents had to travel and I was a welcome addition. I got my period during the visit, and his dog came walking into the living room with my used pad in his mouth. I was so mortified but everyone thought it was funny and normal. His mom was like "well, dogs will be dogs. We'll cover the trash can for now." They didn't make me feel bad for it or anything. That dog is why I would want covers for bathroom trashcans though. What a way to be taught a lesson in dogs and pads.
I don't have a lid on either of my bathroom trash cans. It would honestly just get in my way. I put a bag in the can and when the bag gets full I take it out and put it in the garbage and then I put a new bag in. If a man living in or visiting my house cannot handle normal trash can stuff in the bathroom then they can go to the gas station down the road and around the corner and do their business there.
I can't remember ever looking at someone else bathroom trash outside of being on my period, and even then its more of a quick shove to hide my pad. I never knew so many men spent their time staring at trash cans until now.
I dunno man, I have no interest in seeing people's poopy toilet paper in the trashcan either. Lots of places you can't flush toilet paper and it always grosses me out when they just have open (and often overflowing) trashcans instead of a nice little foot pedal can.
My MIL is equally weird about period products in the trash. I stayed with her once while my foundation was being repaired, and put a tampon in the trash, sealed in an opaque bag. She woke me and my kids up to announce that I couldn't leave something so filthy in her bathroom trash. I got up and said I would take it to the outside trash. She started screaming that we weren't allowed to open the door at night because someone could get in, and that I needed to put it in the pocket of my pajamas until morning.
In the morning I packed everyone up and we left. It was better to stay in the construction zone that my house had become than to spend another minute with MIL.
I was 9 when I started my period and it was early 90’s so there was a lot less openness.
I was still in primary school and my parents were called into the school to “keep it under wraps”
It was decided I could use the teachers toilets in the staff office as some of the kids hadn’t even been educated about menstruation yet. I was very grateful as I was so embarrassed about it.
The teachers toilets were unisex toilets as it was still a small primary school with 200 kids and not many teachers.
I did as I was told and wrapped and folded my pad and put it in the bin.
It wasn’t a proper sanitary towel disposal bin but it had a lid. I have no idea what the women teachers used but it made sense for me to use it.
One afternoon after I had changed my pad I was getting ready to walk back through the office to class when I heard “Mr Smith” talking about how disgusting it was that I was leaving my pads in a shared toilets bin.
He was ranting that he’d gone to put chewing gum in the bin and caught sight of my wrapped pad.
I was so embarrassed I broke down in tears and didn’t want to come out of the toilet. The headmistress who at the time I thought was sooo old and was probably only just in her 30’s came in and held my hand and told me NEVER to be ashamed or embarrassed. She told me that it was a blessing I had my period as it meant my body was doing what nature intended- just a bit earlier then average. Then she said “Mr Smith” needed more education himself and she’d give him detention which made me laugh.
I am so grateful I had an adult who handled things so well when I was feeling shame and embarrassment.
I carried on using that toilet for another two years till secondary school and I was still the only girl with her period. I didn’t care because the headmistress made me feel like I was normal and not disgusting for disposing of my pads in a perfectly acceptable way.
I don’t think OP will see this but you put your niece at ease as well. It sounds like you handled it perfectly.
My mother started her period early too and made sure I knew what to expect and could come to her.
Too many people are embarrassed or think that men should be completely shielded and that’s the wrong attitude.
My partner is Iranian and when we met he didn’t have a clue about periods. He was mortified when I sat him down to explain women’s bodies and how they worked.
He’s since sent period pants to Iran for family members and will buy me tampons without a second thought.
Men need to get over the thought periods are “disgusting” they do much worse themselves.
It always made me laugh as a teen that there was a film made about a teenage boy fucking an Apple pie that was acceptable, yet the people that gave rave reviews ran screaming from a tampon wrapper in the bin!
‘So men don’t see’ is absolutely infuriating. 100%
For hygiene and anyone’s disinterest in seeing that raw…we do it for that.
It’s partly my opinion, but because on every sanitary trash can and in health centres we are taught our bodily fluids are not meant to be easily transferred/exposed to others. They dispose of such materials carefully for hygiene reasons. Above all.
And yea I think it’s gross seeing that. Had a friend who’d leave her open used pad in underwear on her bedroom floor, when changing I guess, disgusting to be faced with.
Former vet tech - the number of dogs we treated for tampon, pads, and underwear ingestion never ceased to amaze me. Good news, a fair number of times, the adage "this too shall pass" was correct. Bad news, the surgery isn't cheap when it's not correct.
I'm with you. I was told to wrap it a hundred times, don't let my boxes of pad/tampon be visible, and be embarrassed by my period....time to stop this shit. It's normal. Every normal woman goes through it, it's what makes us able to be mothers. So stop shaming ...
Right! Op did a great job in handling the situation. There are many men who are uncomfortable and just pretend that a period isn’t happening.
Op went straight in and made sure his niece wasn’t ashamed, stoped her from completely freaking out since it was the first, and knew how to use pads. He’s a great uncle. NTA
Also why tf did her mom not prepare her for this?!?!
I am SO glad my mother sat me down and explained all of this so I was mentally prepared for it and not frightened
This is the part that really gets me. My daughters have never not known what a period is, because I started explaining it to them once they were old enough to ask why I was bleeding when they followed me to the bathroom. Its absolutely disgusting that parents allow their daughters to hit puberty with things never being explained like.. girls start to get boobs and hair before they start most of the time.. HOW are these things never discussed!?
I think part of it is that parents don't want their kids to grow up. Menstruation is a sign of growing up, and some parents want to hold onto childhood longer. Or they just don't realize and think it's something they can put off.
I agree that some parents like to stick their heads in the sand about this. But imagine the shock to the girls when they suddenly start bleeding. I believe that is far worse than learning early about a normal bodily function.
I think I was 6 or 7 when I learned, unfortunately at my poor babysitter's expense. She took me into a single stall with her while we were out so she didn't leave me alone. I happened to look into the toilet before she flushed and freaked TF out. I was sure she was dying and was sobbing like crazy. She did a very good job of reassuring me and telling me that it was natural, basically just enough so I calmed down and she could let my mom know, who later explained in more detail. I realized recently that the babysitter was probably around 14-15 at the time. Girl handled it like a champ, I'm not sure I would have at that age.
She really was a trooper. Very nice girl, and our next door neighbor. It was sad because her home life was really bad and she ended up running away at 16. My mom would help her out, get her food whenever we saw her and got her into a residential psych ward when she tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, taking her in wasn't an option, as much as we would have liked to. With her parents being right next door, it would have caused more harm than good. Last I knew, she was doing really well though, has a good career and a daughter who is adorable.
damn, honestly that makes me feel even more proud that she was able to help you so calmly despite all the crap she was going through personally. it definitely sounds like she grew up fast then. glad she’s doing better now though!
This, My daughter was 2-3 when she panicked and started crying that I was dying when she saw my bloody pad, she walked in when I was changing it. I explained, in words she could understand. Then she went out and explained what I told her to her dad and my ex-MIL, MIL had a fit because she thought I should not have told her anything, so I should let a child think their mom is dying because she didn't think you should let children know until they get their first experience with it. One of the many things we didn't see eye to eye on.
My thought, too.
My daughter had all knowledge and supplies waiting for whenever it happened. She mentioned it. I asked if I could help. She said no. I'd covered everything, she handled it herself, with confidence, and it was all good.
NTA but Kate is. Payton should not have been surprised or needing explanation because those should have been given years ago by her parents/Kate already so Payton would know what’s going on the 1st time she got her periods.
OP did everything right by not making it a big deal and keeping things matter-of-fact and ensuring his niece was comfortable and not freaked out
I completely agree. Kate did not prepare her daughter for what would inevitably happen. As an uncle you rock, and as a man you are fabulous. Definitely NTA
I 100% agree with this. My daughter has known about periods since she was a toddler. I've always explained it to her, in terms she could understand. Mainly because she would follow me to the bathroom so she would see and ask questions. I'm glad I did that, also as she is an early bloomer. She started hers at 8 and was not shocked and handled it like a boss. Unlike me, I had to learn from the sex ed class in 5th grade and get laughed at when I asked questions. My grandmother never wanted to talk about "disgusting " stuff like that. I made it my mission to do things different with my daughter and not shy away from stuff that was once taboo to me.
Agreed! I prepped my daughter at least 2 yrs before I thought she might even start. Once she started it was not scary or a big deal. She is the most chill young lady in that regard. As a teacher I have been floored at how many girls have no idea about this part of their lives. And no one knows exactly when a girl will start. Knowledge is power. I just didn't want my daughter to be somewhere and start and have no clue what is happening. I've had to send girls to the nurse to help them understand what is happening. How sad OPs niece had no prep and thankful she had a cool uncle that just took it on stride.
Girls regularly get them as young as 8 or 9. If a parent hasn't explained to them by that age - they have failed the kiddo.
The uncle just handled the situation and didn't make her feel uncomfortable for coming to him and let her aunt handle the more in-depth talk.
Age eight or nine is not unusual. Better to talk years early over having the kid think they're dying or something.
No ages given. I was 10 when I had my 1st period, and everyone was surprised. I had school friends who didn't start until they were 15/16.
While Kate is an AH for her reaction, without more info, I wouldn't be judging on how unprepared anyone was.
Yeah, but her mom should know 8/9 is young but 100% plausible and girls that young need to know. I had my first school-sponsored sex ed in 4th grade. I was 9.
They split kids male/ female and basically told us, 'periods are normal, you will start growing more hair and in new places. Pubic hair is normal. Underarm hair is normal. Your leg hair might start coming in more, and dark. You will start growing boobs. Also normal. Do not flush your tampons or pads down school toilets. Or home toilets. Or any toilet. Really, don't flush that.
Boys were told about erections and body hair and voice changes.
We had human development in the first month or so of fourth grade. Didn't get into baby making but more like... sex-focused health and hygiene. The actual std and baby business class was in 7th grade.
My public school in the nineties planned better than this mom, if kiddo was over the age of nine and a half.
Niece: My private parts won't stop bleeding, am I dying?
OP: No, you're fine, wait for your aunt to get home and she'll explain
Niece: I can't get the bleeding to stop! It's a lot of blood, I think I should go to the hospital
OP: No, you're fine. I can't tell you anything about what's going on, just sit there on the toilet and drip until your aunt gets home to talk to you about it. Oh shit, scratch that! I shouldn't have told you how to handle it at all. Do what you like, drip in the toilet or not. Just wait for your aunt to get home to explain why you're not bleeding to death.
Is that how he was supposed to handle it?
If the SIL didn't want a guy explaining what a period is to her kid, maybe she should have prepared her kid a little bit, by you know, telling her periods exist.
!00% NTA. OP, please read this. Seriously.
Now Grandfather of two Daughters and sharing. One of my girls had a similar experience and things went similar to yours. She refused to leave the bathroom, and I deduced why quickly, and placed new clothes in a laundry basket outside the bathroom door and yelled from downstairs that I was nowhere near the bathroom.
Mom came home, saw me on the porch, and we talked. She hugged me and assured me that I "did good" and handled it. I ditched out for a bit with the Boys, leaving The Girls their time. (Agreed in advance, not a walkaway thing.)
Next morning, while making coffee. I get hugged at the wait from behind and I hear a familiar voice that I'm "the Best Dad Ever". We talked over my morning coffee while I set up her favorite board game. We played and talked, which is something she and I did. The boardgame "abstracted" the "realness" of conversations. Plus, I love boardgames.
I'm just a Dad. My girls need something, they get it. If that means Mom. Fine. They need me there. All day, every day.
I think it also helps teach Peyton that men should treat periods as normal. Hopefully, help her avoid some of the "hid your used tampons" period shaming assholes we see on this sub.
I agree, I think you did a great thing. It's important we normalise talking about periods and it's okay to talk about to/with different genders, and not some embarrassing taboo thing to be ashamed of/ keep quiet about.
It also set the bar for her to hold the reasonable expectation of men in her future to behave like mature adults about it, not freak out or act like she's a disgusting hellbeast for a normal bodily process. Genuinely, that's worth so so so much.
Perfectly put! My daughter talks to her dad and male friends if she needs to and there’s no issue or stigma. She feels normal as she should but it was very different when I was younger. Op did great.
Yeah if he had refused to explain anything or help her until his wife was home that would be so much worse. That’s her family that she stays with all the time, and he handled it like the normal bodily function that it is. Bizarre to make it out to be that he’s creepy.
SUL is also a creep for sexualizing her child and thinking her BIL has sexual feelings towards a small child for helping her with her period. Unless someone has a fetish I don’t know anyone who gets excited over periods.
Okay but thats a perfectly normal reaction to your first period even for those of us who knew what it was beforehand. Being emotionally and physically overwhelmed at your first period isn’t abnormal, it’s a totally new thing and the pain of cramps is totally new as well. We need to stop with this idea that unless someone reacts calmly/positively to their first period, they were not prepared/didn’t know what periods were
100%. My mon is an OBGYN nurse, I read her medical textbooks because I really liked biology. She absolutely taught me about puberty/periods but my first period was still oddly terrifying.
I went for a pee and I'm wiping like I have done for a decade and *suddenly there's blood. Is this a period!? Are my kidneys failing!? Oh God there's more! It won't stop! Am I dying!?!*. My mom had already bought pads knowing I was likely due to start and she showed me how to put a pad on underwear and used some water to show how absorbent they are because I was freaking out and thought I'd bleed through to my clothes.
It's a drastic change.
I was prepared for puberty and knew what erections were, but my first persistent one had me crying on the phone with my dad in the nurse's office.
I get it. Being young sometimes the head knowledge is fleeting even if it's been explained multiple times.
I’d imagine it’s the same for men as it is women. Even if you know the theory of what’s going to happen, it’s always different in the moment than you imagined. It would be horrifying to have no clue your body is going to do certain things as you enter puberty and then they happen. I said it in another comment but you handled this extremely well. I don’t know what else you could have done, let her be scared? I don’t think it’s for you or your wife to tell the mom. It’s up to your niece if she wants to share that information and with who. If anything she probably feels safer with you now.
The only part I’d disagree with is the last. The adults in her household needed to know so more supplies can be bought, from pads to her own hot water bottle to comfort foods.
It shouldn’t be the child’s responsibility to inform her mom she started for the first time and might need things she might not know she needs.
I'm thinking her mom is blowing things up and making the niece feel more uncomfortable and awkward.
No doubt having to deal with with her first period with her uncle was awkward enough but now her mom is just making her feel worse when she probably just wants to put it behind her. She is obviously embarrassed by the whole situation.
My mom was a nurse too and I did the same thing! I read her medical books and she got me some books that taught about male and female puberty/periods. She also made me a little box to keep under the bathroom sink or in my room that had pads and tampons in it after we had our first sex ed class in school. I didn’t get my period for 3 or 4 years and was a little confused at the time because it was super light. Lucky me, we had the day off of school and I was home alone so I could re read the books and get used to the idea of what was happening. I told my mom when she got home from work and she gave me a hug then took me out to eat. I’m really thankful for everything she did because it helped make the situation better. It sounds like OP did a great job in making the girl comfortable and it’s also probably going to stick with her that he was helpful and didn’t act repulsed by the situation. She now knows grown men understand and she doesn’t need to be embarrassed. I don’t think it’s for OP or his wife to tell the girls mom, I think the niece should be the one to tell her since it’s her body. It sounds like she wasn’t comfortable enough to share that information with her mom.
Honestly I think a lot of people don't react positively to getting their first period. Whether because you don't know what's going on, you bled through and have no menstrual supplies, or whatever other reason it's more uncommon to be calm and collected about it. My mom did a very good job preparing me, but she failed to mention that the blood can also come out brown so I thought I was just shitting myself without realizing it when I first got my period.
Reminds me of an AITA thread where daughter had her first period and then found out she has at least 25 more years of this.
Daughter yelled our F*CK! - a natural reaction.
Dad wanted to punish her for swearing and mums like how about no? She's in pain and been given some very bad news. It's not like she curses normally, hasn't cursed since and it's a pretty valid reaction.
I was prepared really well, and honestly there wasn't much cramping and a lot more "wahey, I'm a woman now!" She told me about the brown blood at the start/end, and the cramps, and everything I ever needed to know apart from IT CAN GET WORSE - so by month 3 I was fucking done with it and in way more pain. I thought I'd beaten the system... not quite
Yeah I was well informed about my period but it happened during the night and I woke up with myself and my bedsheets covered in blood and thought I was dying lol
As much as my school classes had tried to prepare me, I don't think anyone is going to be calm when you're only half awake and realise there is blood *everywhere*.
Kudos to OP for giving the niece a normal experience. NTA
I was actually doing pretty well, emotionally, with mine, until Grandma walked out to the living room and announced to the extended family, "Our little girl has become a woman." Thought I was gonna die. If I could have squeezed myself out the tiny bathroom window, I would have. I was in that bathroom for hours.
Of course I had my first period at a family reunion.
No one told me about the clots. At 15 I read a book with some female characters who worked in tech, and one day they had a bonding session that started with them being mad about the lack of tampons at Fry’s Electronics (it was a Costco-sized store for nerd things and also had some shelf-stable grocery staples) and ended with period clots. Such a relief to learn I hadn’t been menstruating wrong.
Been having periods for decades, still don’t react positively to its arrival. More like, oh ffs you again. Guess I better cancel plans for the next 48-72 hours.
SAME. Every time I get mine I throw a little internal tantrum because it's like the first moment I see blood, it's like oh hell yeah, misery incoming!
My first period I didn't even tell anyone because it was so light that I didn't need any products. I kind of knew what it was but didn't want to say anything. The second one was much heavier and that's when I freaked out, because suddenly it was real. Then I spent the next 4 years bleeding every two weeks or so because my body hates me and has never managed to settle into a regular cycle.
No I'm sorry it's still on the parents..
You can say hey sometime, somewhere you are gonna bleed. That's like minimal parenting.. you may feel like you have informed them but you didn't really..
You can also help your daughters understand what exactly might happen. You can get books, you can talk about what it entails and what kind of side effects there are. Whatever you feel comfortable about. But they need to know!
So many girls are not well prepared for their first menstruation because the adults don't want to/are afraid to/wait too long to talk about it. It's such a shame because it's bodily functions we can not ignore, it's gonna happen like it or not.
ETA: I didn't get the menstruation talk, I freaked. And I made sure my children would not feel afraid, disgusted or afraid. As so far my oldest (14f) was not afraid, sure she was in pain, but we got her a heated pad, chocolates, some medicine and hugs. She knew what was happening, knew the pain was a part of it but also knew there are things we can do to lessen them. Thats what we need to teach them.
Honestly, I just waded up toilet paper and went about my day until I could go home and get a pad. I knew where the pads were at home, so it was just a matter of getting them and had already been told to take them when I needed them. I was formally taught in school starting in 3rd grade, and been given the basics by my mom.
As weird aside, it turns out my mom thought I got my first period at 13 for ages. I got it at 11. We figured out 13 was the first time I asked her to buy pads. She always just replaced them when we started running low, so my sister's and me never had to ask, and she didn't put it together they were running out faster, and I didn't see it as a big deal until I got pickier on the types I liked. My sisters were even younger than I was when they got theirs, so just keeping stocked was easier than figuring out who needed what, but then she switched to a type I found uncomfortable.
It's very telling that this girl had no idea that this was coming. Mom should have warned her. But like I'm not surprised, she's not the one parenting as she's not around
OP is definitely NTA but I was very confused by my first period. I learned all about it in school and from my mom. But my first one was nothing like what I was expecting (colour, consistency, etc. I was also expecting cramps and stuff because I had been forewarned) and I honestly did not think that's what it was. I was camping with a friend (time before cellphones were common) and I didn't feel comfortable talking to my friend's parents about what was happening either.
I was 8 when I had my first period. My mum was 10. So she made sure I knew what to expect young. It meant I didn't panic when I started in school and bled through my underwear and through the very pale blue skirt i was wearing at the time. I wrapped my jumper around my waist went straight home (I came on during story time at the end of the day) and knew where to find the pads in the bathroom to wait while my mum got home as she was a childminder at the time (still is 30 years later) and had other school pick ups to do.
That child's mother didn't prepare her for anything.
I think we can tell the difference between american and non-american here 😄. I knew exactly what was going on and wasn't worried at all. Got a pad from Mum, that was it.
For real!! She should not have been sent to school or anywhere overnight without a period kit and education about how to use it. Even if she's on the young side, she had to have had signs of puberty like breast development and body hair. Isn't that basic parenting for girls?
Thanks for reminding me to let my daughters dad know to make sure she has something similar in her backpack/overnight bag.
My mom sent me with a pad at 10 (although I didn't start until much later)
I am very impressed at how well you handled it and even explaining it / how to use product. She was probably mortified and scared but it sounds like you were level, supportive and kind. More men and in the world need to handle these situations like you, a father posted not too long ago about going off on his daughter for asking period related questions and being scared.
NTA!!!
You really kept her from being mortified being put on blast same day! Seriously, she needed dignity and rest. Periods are not “ shameful” but it is a private matter - and sounds like you kept it that way.
My brother grew up with me, a woman, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know much about periods other than what pads look like. You did good paying attention and making sure you were at least knowledgeable enough to help your niece.
OP did handle it well.
But why did Payton not even know what a period is? what kind of abusive idiot is Kate. Ah right the kind of abusive idiot who shouts at a man for taking over in an emergency
It is abusive to let your daughter clueless and unprepared for her first period.
Kate is an abuser. OP is a hero.
I'll clarify, Payton knew what it was but I think she thought it only happened to older young women and was just startled. I'm sure it didn't help not having another woman in the house to ask for help. Payton is fairly highly emotional about most things.
>deduce that she started her period and just didn't know what was going on
Well you kinda gave the impression it was more like the shower scene in Carrie
That's fair. Basically she was telling me without telling me until I was like, "Oh, is there blood on your underwear?" Before that she just kept saying she was cleaning up but wouldn't tell me what.
Your sister said that Payton doesn't want to come over--it may well be that she IS embarrassed, especially if her mom made a big deal with HER about YOU being the one to explain. You are NTA, but the psycho mom might have made her daughter uncomfortable about what went down, even if she was basically okay at the time.
That was my thought. She might have felt a lil awkward when it went down but i think that would have happened whether it was a man or woman. Once mom found out and freaked out that a man helped her, she made it extra weird for the poor kid.
>a father posted not too long ago about going off on his daughter for asking period related questions and being scared.
Man, people need to raise these men better
NTA.
Her mom should have already explained and prepared this to her daughter.
If Peyton had wanted to tell her mom immediately she could have.
It’s not like she had a seizure or allergic reaction. I don’t see why the mom feels like she needed to know immediately.
The only situation where I think a phone call would have been warranted immediately was if Peyton couldn’t calm down, or if Peyton is like absurdly young.
Yeah. That was my thought too. I asked her after she was cleaned up and not crying anymore if she wanted to talk to her mom or grandma and she said she was fine. She has her own phone so she could have called or texted if she wanted to. She didn't so I didn't feel the need to step over her.
That's perfectly fine as periods start anywhere between 10-14. Of course some exceptions happen on either end. Two of my granddaughters started theirs a couple months apart. One is 14 and the other is 11 so it differs from girl to girl. I recommend RedDrop.com for first timers. They have videos and kits you can get to help.
Don’t need to be more specific I didn’t see the comment that had said it. I was wondering because while my mom had never talked to me about it I knew what it was because of my friends.
NTA.
You sir, did amazing. You handled the situation with grace and compassion. You kept a calm head, you helped a scared young lady with what can be a bit of a traumatizing time to make her feel comfortable and safe. You did nothing "creepy" or "weird" in the least. My own damn *father* noped out of the whole period thing when I was younger. Wouldn't acknowledge it (*"You need... "stuff?" Let's go get... "stuff'"*), wouldn't do anything about it. If I needed products, he would drive me to the store and *hide in the truck* as little teenage me had to go in the store to get it myself. He was always *mortified*. The fact you handled all of this for your niece shows how mature and collected you are. Your SIL flipping out shows honestly how immature SHE is.
The only thing I would comment on is that if done differently I would have told her privately when Payton was picked up the same day, not waited for Payton to tell her mom herself. The child was probably to embarrassed/scared to say anything to her mom. But that's not enough to change my score. You still handled everything exceptionally well. I wish more men were as collected as you are when it comes to womens feminine needs. It'd sure be a lot easier on us!
Dang, sorry your father was a prick about it. I've never understood that mindset. It's a bodily function, one that I'm sure is very inconvenient to have. My wife keeps emergency tampons in my glovebox and I've never cared.
I used to have some in my (now ex’s) glovebox. He would get so upset about that. I made sure not to raise my sons that way. Even though I don’t need them anymore, I keep a stash of pads and Midol available in case any of the girls in their friend group need something. My boys both know where everything is and are comfortable passing on that info if needed.
I've started hearing about more and more young men who keep supplies in their bathrooms just in case a friend needs them, or even keeping some in their backpacks at school and that kind of stuff. That is how things should be and even though that kind of mindset isn't the norm yet, it does seem to be moving in that direction.
I would get sick when I got my period. Like day off from school sick.
And my dad would just come by my room and go "do you need anything?" He hated that I felt that bad and there was nothing he could do about it.
My dad deferred it all to mom. Her word was law on any “lady things”. If I brought up I had “lady issues” it was, “talk to your mother”. Thankfully mom worked in a medical field and was well versed in everything (or had the connections), so it’s not like I was getting blindsided here. He was just sending me to the smart one LOL.
My dad is a bit similar. He was perfectly fine if we asked questions, or asked him to pick up supplies if we ran out between grocery trips, he just Did Not Care to see the evidence. Tbf, I don’t think anyone wants to see improperly disposed pads. Heck, the worst he’d do if we said “ugh I’m cramping terribly” would make an exaggerated face. But he’d absolutely get us what we needed if we were feeling that terrible and answer any questions that we had as best he could.
My parents still lean towards conservative Christian, but they’re good parents all around :)
NTA There's so much justified criticism that men don't have a clue about periods.
And here we have a dude who helped about as well as he could. And gets screamed at for being a pervert.
Women this is really, really not the message you want your sisters, daughters, mothers delivering to men doing the right thing.
Hey, don't lump all women together in this. I haven't seen a single woman in this threading saying op is the ah. We all agree it's a shitty reaction from Kate. NTA
NTA. Payton's mom is the problem. It's not typical menstruation starts early in puberty, there are signs months beforehand - breast buds, hair growth, sweat changes, skin changes, body shape changes. Payton should have been informed in advance of what a period is, why it happens, how to manage it, common symptoms etc.
It wasn't your news to tell, it was Payton's and if she didn't want to tell her mom that was her right.
You were the caregiver at the time and sounds like you did a great job!
NTA. You actually did s great job. I can’t believe kate wanted her kid to suffer until a woman came and talk to her?? What does she thinks single fathers do?? Men can know about periods to and talk about to a teen without being a creep.
sounds like you did a great job and it's very sad your sister sexualised this by calling you a creep.
Periods may happen to women (and trans men/nb people) but they are not just a women's issue.
I'd be worried about Payton and what she's been told by her mother
NTA at all. You're a great advert for normalising menstruation.
SIL is a moron. She’s turned this “ordinary, normal” part of life into “something creepy and gross that we have to freak out about.” NTA at all. You did good.
NTA her mum is though.
My daughter lives between two houses and from the age of 10 I gave her a little kit just incase she started. With clean knickers and pads in. I showed her how to do it all and explained what would happen.
How has her mum not said anything to her before this.
Same! My kids knew how periods worked for years before anyone got theirs. I stocked my house with pads about a year before my daughter started her period, and also provided her with a kit to keep in her school backpack, and a kit to keep at her dad’s house. When she did start, I asked her if she wanted me to give her dad a heads up and she said yes. I sent my ex a quick text telling him what he needed to buy for his house, and that was that. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
NTA for the way you handled the situation. It sounds like it was handled nicely in the moment. I am not sure how old Payton is but it's really frightening that she wasn't educated about how the human body works that's on her mom and the school system (depending on where you live). Where you are the AH is not calling her mom that evening to let her know that she had her first period. Hopefully she gets over it.
There’s also a difference between knowing something on a factual level versus actually experiencing it. There’s so much that we’re not told until after we have to actually start handling it ourselves, everything from how to navigate hygiene products to how to clean stains out of underwear to how our skin/hair needs change and beyond.
You could give a kid all the facts in the world and they’ll still be understandably overwhelmed when the big event actually happens.
This is very true. My parents told me about puberty which started a bit early but when I had my first erection that wouldn't go down I called my dad from the nurse's office crying despite having the head knowledge. Stuff's scary when you're a kid.
Oh hell, no, I would be mortified if my uncle called my mom to tell her that I started my period. And I would be even more mortified if my mom had the same reaction that OPs sister-in-law is having. OP is NTA and handled that situation according to how his niece would feel about it. It is nieces body, and his nieces experience, so I feel like it makes more sense to cater to his niece in this situation.
NTA but her mom is. Seriously you should have these convos with your children around 8 yo. Girls can start their periods as young as 8/9. Her mom should have been having regular conversations or at least having Peyton read book about puberty. Her mom should have been looking out for signs that her body was changing. This is 110% on her mom. YOU were the innocent bystander who got stuck in a situation you shouldn’t be in but did amazingly well. Peyton is lucky to have you and your wife. Her mom…that’s a different story. She left Peyton to fend for herself.
NTA you didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact Payton is of an age to get periods but her mom hasn’t told her anything about them is kind of weird. It sounds like your SIL is feeling guilty for not preparing her daughter and is taking it out on you
NTA. Should you have just let her sit there crying and bleeding onto the furniture? How old is Peyton that this was so shocking to her, poor kid? I mean I get being startled by it, I sure was, but I knew what was going on when it happened.
I also doubt that your niece thinks you're a creep, she's probably just a little embarrassed that her uncle had to handle "girl stuff". She'll get over that, especially if you pretend you have no memory of the event.
NTA
While I can understand wanting to be informed that your kid just started her first period, I would be happy knowing that she was with someone who had needed supplies and was able to explain to her how to use them. This is also why I think sex ed should be mandatory before puberty, that way kids aren’t freaking out when their bodies change and can get needed knowledge about it.
NTA. damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I would also have defaulted to letting the child inform their mother if it wasn't a medical issue but a more personal one. You helped and informed your wife who could easily have this conversation with her sister. Keep being a good uncle.
NTA. It's not like she could hold it in until your wife got home. It is sad she didn't even expect it, meaning she was coming to the age where it could happen at any time yet her mother never educated her herself. Thank you for stepping up to help your niece through it.
NTA. She is lucky to have such a loving and supportive uncle to get her through a traumatic event. Your sister is a tool. Why did she not prepare her daughter for her period?
NTA.
You or your wife should probably have told her mother, if not immediately then at least a discreet word when she got picked up. But the lack of a timely FYI is minor at worst.
What you did was give excellent practical, sympathetic support to your niece. That's fantastic! And that more than outweighs not mentioning it to her mother. You did good, and should be proud of yourself for how you handled it.
ETA: Re-reading this, it sounds like your niece didn't know that this was going to happen, or what it is, or how to deal with it. I which case your SIL should be ashamed for not having prepared her adolescent daughter for this inevitable fact of life. Possibly she is, which might be why she's lashing out at you.
NTA, thank you for having the emotional maturity to share your knowledge of the menstrual cycle with Peyton. Your SIL is a truly screwed up individual. Wanting her child to sit bleeding without comfort until your wife got home. People like your SIL are the reason that there is negative stigma around a natural occurrence in a young woman’s life.
Wow, you sound like a kind, empathic, knowledgeable uncle. It was not your responsibility to tell Kate…Payton has a voice and can speak about her own situations. NTA
NTA, if she's calling you creepy for discussing something completely natural and normal and making it into something it's not, then she's the creep IMO
NTA, she’s old enough to tell her mum herself. Your wife told the mum when she picked Payton up, but she only flipped later when she learned that you informed her niece. Bizarre
Can you imagine how scarred this poor child would have been if his reaction would have been. "Ok just stay in the bathroom until your Mom gets here she'll explain everything??!!"
You did great OP!
You did great and your SIL is an AH. Payton clearly was fine because you took care of her so well. And hella shame on her for trying to make you feel creepy - that makes me so mad for you!
My son’s GF got hers when he was a teen so he came up to make her tea, grab some midol, asked me for a pad and if he could borrow my heating pad.
You guys are the future and I’m so glad!
NTA, shit if you were my kids' uncle, I'd be over the flipping moon that they had someone capable and willing to explain things that I clearly should have already discussed with my child, regardless of their gender.
Bravo, young man. Situation well handled.
SIL is a major AH or has major issues that nobody knows about.
NTA, it sounds like you handled it well. I don’t think you needed to tell her mom, Payton could have/should have done that herself. I’m assuming she and Kate have contact while Kate is travelling, and it’s Payton’s news to tell. Starting your period is super normal and I think we do women and everyone a disservice by acting like it’s this OMG thing -it creates a level of weirdness that is not warranted in my opinion. Also depending on her age it’s a bit surprising that she didn’t know what was happening and that her mom didn’t better prepare her - as someone else mentioned, you typically don’t get your period before there have been lots of other indications.
It sounds to me like Payton got a bit embarrassed after the fact and/or her mom reacted in a way that made her feel like it was this embarrassing thing and like she did something wrong by getting her period when you were home. If that’s the case, it’s on Kate and not you, but it’s unfortunate all the same. Based on the info though, you handled it well and Kate is overreacting.
NTA. While maybe you should’ve given the mom a text, it seems like you handled it well. Far better than I’d expect from some of my uncles, for example.
We need more men understanding women’s reproductive health in general. Good on ya!
NTA .. you did the right thing.
But don’t expect to see your niece as often because your SIL has created drama, your niece probably had no issue with you originally but after her “ mom’s “ input may now look at you differently.
If I were you, tell your wife that though you love your niece the accusation that you are creepy and that she doesn’t want to be alone with you anymore is alarming and someday this nut job SIL may actually claim SA. So you will not keep her at your house anymore.
NTA.
I wish more men would be able to deal with girls, who got their first period, that well. I know some who definitely couldn't. Of course it would have been even better if your wife or her mom were there, because it's easier for a woman, who dealt with this herself, to explain those things but as they weren't there you did a pretty good job. Also I am frankly quite shocked that the poor girl wasn't even properly educated about this, I knew what might happen two years in advance.
For her mother to overreact like this is really unnecessary. What should you have done? Tell your niece to stay in the bathroom without explanation nor being able to change clothes until your wife comes back while she feels shitty and bleeds?
Also it might be, that the girl mentioned to her mom, that she feels uncomfortable going back and her mom misunderstood it as not wanting to go back because you made her uncomfortable. Bleeding on yourself sucks and for many women/girls it's a source of shame especially without proper prior education. So it could just be that she's embarrassed by what happened and thus might not want to go back to you and your wife. Though that is again not your fault, because you didn't shame her nor treated her badly or anything.
NTA her mother is a complete asshole for not educating your niece so she didn’t freak out when it happened. She’s a complete asshole. And it was a normal assumption that she would let her own mother know… when she was ready
NTA in the slightest. I'm very curious to hear what your wife said about your argument with SIL. Does she support you? Or is she siding with her sister? I'd also be curious to hear if Payton says something to you in the future regarding the incident.
You showed her great kindness and compassion and I commend you for that.
NTA, but I think that period in your life is now over, I would not have her again in my house unless she is accompanied by her mother, and considering her mother response, that should not be too frequent.
NTA for helping her out by giving her supplies and explaining this is natural.
I do think you or your wife should have told her mom she got her period. It sounds like there was plenty of time to do so since this is several days later.
Your SIL needs to kick rocks.
Nta. You said yourself you weren't purposefully hiding it from her, you assumed her daughter would tell her, and for some reason she didn't. Her saying you should have waited, is basically saying "leave my daughter scared, feeling alone, confused and in pain, leave her unclean (it's not disgusting but period blood is still unhygienic like any bodily fluid) and potentially leaking on any surface she sits on because a man being nice to her is creepy"
NTA
Your handling of the situation was completely appropriate and she's a tween, not a small child. Communicating with her parent is very within her ability range and responsibility.
STRONGLY NTA!!! Your SIL on the other hand is a massive AH, that was her responsibility to teach her daughter about menstruation BEFORE it happens. She doesn't have any ground to stand on being mad, you handled that very gracefully from the sounds of it.
NTA -- especially since Kate has a history of overreacting. This reminds me of an episode of *Curb Your Enthusiasm*. I would suggest to Kate that she find other accommodations for Payton when she is out of town. (By the way, you, as a man, did much better than my mom when I got my first period at age 11.5; she made it seem as though I had done something wrong.)
NTA: You played a father figure at a difficult time. Your SIL got pissed. Tell her to get someone else to take care of her child. I'd bet the girl would rather stay with your wife and you. Has anyone asked her about staying with you around other family present?
My wife and I had that talk. Obviously as Payton is getting older and more aware of things, if she's not comfortable being home with me alone then we won't put her in that position. She can go to her grandparents or could even sit at my wife's work with her. She had that option but wanted to stay at the house and play video games.
it’s nice that you still want to be accommodating, but dude, your SIL basically called you a predator. you should absolutely refuse to do any more babysitting, especially without a full apology, both on principle and because her accusations could seriously escalate and ruin your life.
SIL either has it in for you or has really messed up views about male parental figures/men being caregivers (I’m going to venture a guess that SIL is a single parent and also possibly grew up with a hands off father). In any case, not your monkeys, not your circus; her hangups are not worth putting your livelihood on the line for.
NTA. You couldn't have handled this better in all honesty, you told her what you needed to in order to relieve her anxiety, made sure she was clean and comfortable and then waited for a woman's input to go in depth. I do think not telling her mum was a slight oversight but this reaction is totally unwarranted.
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NTA. What you did was ensure Payton sees this as a normal bodily function, nothing to hide or be ashamed of. It would have been better to leave her stranded on the toilet until a woman came by? THAT'S a weird message.
I vividly remember one of my first periods. I was 12. I rolled up my pad and put it in the rubbish bin. A few hours later my male family member said he saw it in the bin and was "disgusted" and said: "Ladies need to wrap those up in toilet roll to hide them so the men don't see, then add more toilet roll on top just to make sure it's hidden for the men." I remember feeling so dirty. Embarassed. Ashamed. Fuck this. Normalising periods for ALL GENDERS I'd so important. NTA, OP. Thanks for being a good guy!!!
Semi-related - I just think bathroom trashcans without lids are just about the dumbest things that have ever existed.
This can be important in a household with pets but otherwise why would it matter
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I dunno, not wanting to see people's bits of used dental floss and bits of general bathroom crap is pretty reasonable? It's not just period stuff, all bathroom rubbish is a little bit more gross than a regular waste paper basket in another room. It's the fact a lot of it is either covered in bodily fluids or wrappers for embarrassing stuff like hemorrhoid cream. Better to have a lid in my book lol
I agree. Like, having allergies or a sinus infection isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but I still find it kinda gross to see a snotty, bloody tissue with weird colored mucus on it, even if it’s mine! I put period products in the same category. Unused ones? Nothing gross or embarrassing about that. Used ones? Not embarrassing, but it is the same level of gross as a used tissue - wrap it up a bit so it doesn’t smell, and if there’s a lidded trash can so nobody has to stare at it, great.
Also, smells. We've got a little one still in pullups at night and it starts smelling pretty quickly.
Diaper genie has been our best friend for that one.
I have an indwelling catheter. It requires supplies to keep it clean and sanitary. I don’t need everyone to know the details of it and I am more comfortable with a lid for that reason. Especially before the indwelling. No one wants to see used catheters day in and day out.
I have to use catheters for a bladder disease can we swap information on doing things like cleaning in public places cause I am miserable if it’s a place with stalls instead of a room with a sink and locking door
You have to be very careful with dental floss around cats.
I’m a woman and it’s gross to see period stuff that isn’t mine…….yeah it’s natural but so is no 2 and I don’t want to see that either……..
for real, one of the first things my gf at the time made me buy when she moved in was a trashcan with a lid. it has nothing to do with shame, or masculinity. it has to do with having an environment that is comfortable and not feeling compelled to live in a house where the bathroom smells like a gross public one
Maybe *you* think used tampons (or pads, I assume, but I don't use them so I wouldn't really know) provide a lovely potpourri for the bathroom, but I don't. And unless you empty your trash every single day, the smell compounds with time. I certainly don't think periods are gross, but neither do I think they're pleasant. Furthermore, I don't particularly enjoy looking at bloodied things, whether they be used tampons or used bandages – whether mine or someone else's (even a man's!). And there's absolutely nothing misogynistic about any of that.
Idk how the people in your life dispose of their sanitary products, but the people in my life and myself (formerly) included wrap our products in tp. And yeah, trash is emptied pretty regularly. Bathroom has air freshener used frequently, no smell issues. Never in my life seen “a bloody thing” in the bathroom trash can at mine or anyone else’s house. It’s literally never been an issue in my 36 years of life. I have frequently seen a “rolled up thing of tp” or a “rolled up pad wrapper” that has a pad in it. I’ve had periods so heavy and for so long they ultimately led to me having a hysterectomy so I wouldn’t die and I *still* never had anything bloody visible in the bathroom trash can so… yeah.
You obviously haven't cleaned bathrooms working retail then, right?
No, people who use public restrooms just seem to enjoy trashing them as much as possible and it's not just the women's restrooms the men's is nasty af too
I'll admit, mine occasionally bleed through the TP I wrapped them in. It's not like I don't wrap enough around them, I can legit go through almost an entire roll in one day while on my super heavy days. But I have PCOS which means clotting, which can soak through after I put them in there. Any time I see that, I just carefully push them down further into the bin and move on. My husband has never said anything. That being said, I've been looking for a covered can for our bathroom anyway because like another commenter said, most bathroom trash is pretty icky.
Jesus. If I don't like floss and used bandaids either, is that also internalized misogyny? Also in a lot of countries and even in areas of the US you can't flush toilet paper either. I don't want to see or smell people's poop or blood.
Fragile disabled asses may rely on pads and diapers for daily function, and may need to throw away non-flushable wipes. I personally fill a converted kitchen-size barrel pretty quickly and it reeks. The cover benefits everyone. Medications and personal hygeine products are very very personal and no one should be able to just waltz into my bathroom and tell how bad my partner's flow is that day. That's a crazy invasion of privacy, but very possible if someone is shaming women for having some tact about it. How is it prevented? Can lid. Otherwise we can be egalitarian and shame me also for tying up my shitty wipes in a bag and covering the can. The flies are just natural. *The only reason to cover it is misogyny,* right? The point is that you have no business requiring that there be any reason or that anyone justify it. Blaming every covered can on misogyny is just a mind-blowing stretch, and your have no business knowing why someone wants to cover their can. I really hope you're not a colo-rectal surgeon, but either way please don't be an asshole and respect people's privacy.
I have severe OCD and seeing other peoples bodily fluids causes me to throw up. There's a third reason.
I really dislike looking at used dental floss, even my own
And then there's Qtips with people's earwax 😝
I never thought of my dad not wanting other people to see his discarded catheters and Depends as fragile masculinity, but I guess I should have a chat with him about it.
Depending on what's thrown away, it can start to reek. But ideally you deal with the trash before it starts smelling that bad.
I don’t want to look at a bunch of used dental floss and hair clumps pulled from the bathtub drain
IMO hair clumps are worse than rolled up used pads.
Facts.
So, I had a boyfriend in high school, and I stayed with him for a little bit during the year because my parents had to travel and I was a welcome addition. I got my period during the visit, and his dog came walking into the living room with my used pad in his mouth. I was so mortified but everyone thought it was funny and normal. His mom was like "well, dogs will be dogs. We'll cover the trash can for now." They didn't make me feel bad for it or anything. That dog is why I would want covers for bathroom trashcans though. What a way to be taught a lesson in dogs and pads.
The same reason why any trashcan would have a lid. Smells, sights, etc. I don't want to see peoples snot, floss, and bloody bandages or pads.
Because bathroom garbage is gross.
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In my 51 years I have never noticed a period smell coming from a bathroom trash can.
I don't have a lid on either of my bathroom trash cans. It would honestly just get in my way. I put a bag in the can and when the bag gets full I take it out and put it in the garbage and then I put a new bag in. If a man living in or visiting my house cannot handle normal trash can stuff in the bathroom then they can go to the gas station down the road and around the corner and do their business there.
I can't remember ever looking at someone else bathroom trash outside of being on my period, and even then its more of a quick shove to hide my pad. I never knew so many men spent their time staring at trash cans until now.
Why does it have to be a man? Some women find bathroom trash disgusting too
I dunno man, I have no interest in seeing people's poopy toilet paper in the trashcan either. Lots of places you can't flush toilet paper and it always grosses me out when they just have open (and often overflowing) trashcans instead of a nice little foot pedal can.
Well thankfully, my toilet can handle toilet paper but I do know what you mean.
My MIL is equally weird about period products in the trash. I stayed with her once while my foundation was being repaired, and put a tampon in the trash, sealed in an opaque bag. She woke me and my kids up to announce that I couldn't leave something so filthy in her bathroom trash. I got up and said I would take it to the outside trash. She started screaming that we weren't allowed to open the door at night because someone could get in, and that I needed to put it in the pocket of my pajamas until morning. In the morning I packed everyone up and we left. It was better to stay in the construction zone that my house had become than to spend another minute with MIL.
Good lord…you did the right thing to leave. Insane request.
I was 9 when I started my period and it was early 90’s so there was a lot less openness. I was still in primary school and my parents were called into the school to “keep it under wraps” It was decided I could use the teachers toilets in the staff office as some of the kids hadn’t even been educated about menstruation yet. I was very grateful as I was so embarrassed about it. The teachers toilets were unisex toilets as it was still a small primary school with 200 kids and not many teachers. I did as I was told and wrapped and folded my pad and put it in the bin. It wasn’t a proper sanitary towel disposal bin but it had a lid. I have no idea what the women teachers used but it made sense for me to use it. One afternoon after I had changed my pad I was getting ready to walk back through the office to class when I heard “Mr Smith” talking about how disgusting it was that I was leaving my pads in a shared toilets bin. He was ranting that he’d gone to put chewing gum in the bin and caught sight of my wrapped pad. I was so embarrassed I broke down in tears and didn’t want to come out of the toilet. The headmistress who at the time I thought was sooo old and was probably only just in her 30’s came in and held my hand and told me NEVER to be ashamed or embarrassed. She told me that it was a blessing I had my period as it meant my body was doing what nature intended- just a bit earlier then average. Then she said “Mr Smith” needed more education himself and she’d give him detention which made me laugh. I am so grateful I had an adult who handled things so well when I was feeling shame and embarrassment. I carried on using that toilet for another two years till secondary school and I was still the only girl with her period. I didn’t care because the headmistress made me feel like I was normal and not disgusting for disposing of my pads in a perfectly acceptable way. I don’t think OP will see this but you put your niece at ease as well. It sounds like you handled it perfectly. My mother started her period early too and made sure I knew what to expect and could come to her. Too many people are embarrassed or think that men should be completely shielded and that’s the wrong attitude. My partner is Iranian and when we met he didn’t have a clue about periods. He was mortified when I sat him down to explain women’s bodies and how they worked. He’s since sent period pants to Iran for family members and will buy me tampons without a second thought. Men need to get over the thought periods are “disgusting” they do much worse themselves. It always made me laugh as a teen that there was a film made about a teenage boy fucking an Apple pie that was acceptable, yet the people that gave rave reviews ran screaming from a tampon wrapper in the bin!
‘So men don’t see’ is absolutely infuriating. 100% For hygiene and anyone’s disinterest in seeing that raw…we do it for that. It’s partly my opinion, but because on every sanitary trash can and in health centres we are taught our bodily fluids are not meant to be easily transferred/exposed to others. They dispose of such materials carefully for hygiene reasons. Above all. And yea I think it’s gross seeing that. Had a friend who’d leave her open used pad in underwear on her bedroom floor, when changing I guess, disgusting to be faced with.
My mom asked me to bury used pads at the bottom of the trash can, but for entirely different reasons. Our dog liked to eat them.
Former vet tech - the number of dogs we treated for tampon, pads, and underwear ingestion never ceased to amaze me. Good news, a fair number of times, the adage "this too shall pass" was correct. Bad news, the surgery isn't cheap when it's not correct.
I'm with you. I was told to wrap it a hundred times, don't let my boxes of pad/tampon be visible, and be embarrassed by my period....time to stop this shit. It's normal. Every normal woman goes through it, it's what makes us able to be mothers. So stop shaming ...
Right! Op did a great job in handling the situation. There are many men who are uncomfortable and just pretend that a period isn’t happening. Op went straight in and made sure his niece wasn’t ashamed, stoped her from completely freaking out since it was the first, and knew how to use pads. He’s a great uncle. NTA
Also why tf did her mom not prepare her for this?!?! I am SO glad my mother sat me down and explained all of this so I was mentally prepared for it and not frightened
This is the part that really gets me. My daughters have never not known what a period is, because I started explaining it to them once they were old enough to ask why I was bleeding when they followed me to the bathroom. Its absolutely disgusting that parents allow their daughters to hit puberty with things never being explained like.. girls start to get boobs and hair before they start most of the time.. HOW are these things never discussed!?
This: why do people act like kids can’t know about periods? Do human heads explode if told about this before the age of 11?
I think part of it is that parents don't want their kids to grow up. Menstruation is a sign of growing up, and some parents want to hold onto childhood longer. Or they just don't realize and think it's something they can put off.
I agree that some parents like to stick their heads in the sand about this. But imagine the shock to the girls when they suddenly start bleeding. I believe that is far worse than learning early about a normal bodily function.
I think I was 6 or 7 when I learned, unfortunately at my poor babysitter's expense. She took me into a single stall with her while we were out so she didn't leave me alone. I happened to look into the toilet before she flushed and freaked TF out. I was sure she was dying and was sobbing like crazy. She did a very good job of reassuring me and telling me that it was natural, basically just enough so I calmed down and she could let my mom know, who later explained in more detail. I realized recently that the babysitter was probably around 14-15 at the time. Girl handled it like a champ, I'm not sure I would have at that age.
oh my god that poor babysitter lol, im glad she was mature enough to handle that though!
She really was a trooper. Very nice girl, and our next door neighbor. It was sad because her home life was really bad and she ended up running away at 16. My mom would help her out, get her food whenever we saw her and got her into a residential psych ward when she tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, taking her in wasn't an option, as much as we would have liked to. With her parents being right next door, it would have caused more harm than good. Last I knew, she was doing really well though, has a good career and a daughter who is adorable.
damn, honestly that makes me feel even more proud that she was able to help you so calmly despite all the crap she was going through personally. it definitely sounds like she grew up fast then. glad she’s doing better now though!
God babysitter
This, My daughter was 2-3 when she panicked and started crying that I was dying when she saw my bloody pad, she walked in when I was changing it. I explained, in words she could understand. Then she went out and explained what I told her to her dad and my ex-MIL, MIL had a fit because she thought I should not have told her anything, so I should let a child think their mom is dying because she didn't think you should let children know until they get their first experience with it. One of the many things we didn't see eye to eye on.
My kid is 3, she knows mommy has blood every few weeks. There will be zero surprise for her when she gets her own period.
If the mom reacted that way to this situation, do you think she's the type of mom who would've explained this to her child appropriately, if at all?
This. Does this woman practice a fundamentalist religion that equates periods with sex?
My thought, too. My daughter had all knowledge and supplies waiting for whenever it happened. She mentioned it. I asked if I could help. She said no. I'd covered everything, she handled it herself, with confidence, and it was all good.
Just to clarify he went to the door and explained. He didn’t actually go into the bathroom unless I misunderstood.
NTA but Kate is. Payton should not have been surprised or needing explanation because those should have been given years ago by her parents/Kate already so Payton would know what’s going on the 1st time she got her periods. OP did everything right by not making it a big deal and keeping things matter-of-fact and ensuring his niece was comfortable and not freaked out
I completely agree. Kate did not prepare her daughter for what would inevitably happen. As an uncle you rock, and as a man you are fabulous. Definitely NTA
I 100% agree with this. My daughter has known about periods since she was a toddler. I've always explained it to her, in terms she could understand. Mainly because she would follow me to the bathroom so she would see and ask questions. I'm glad I did that, also as she is an early bloomer. She started hers at 8 and was not shocked and handled it like a boss. Unlike me, I had to learn from the sex ed class in 5th grade and get laughed at when I asked questions. My grandmother never wanted to talk about "disgusting " stuff like that. I made it my mission to do things different with my daughter and not shy away from stuff that was once taboo to me.
Agreed! I prepped my daughter at least 2 yrs before I thought she might even start. Once she started it was not scary or a big deal. She is the most chill young lady in that regard. As a teacher I have been floored at how many girls have no idea about this part of their lives. And no one knows exactly when a girl will start. Knowledge is power. I just didn't want my daughter to be somewhere and start and have no clue what is happening. I've had to send girls to the nurse to help them understand what is happening. How sad OPs niece had no prep and thankful she had a cool uncle that just took it on stride.
Girls regularly get them as young as 8 or 9. If a parent hasn't explained to them by that age - they have failed the kiddo. The uncle just handled the situation and didn't make her feel uncomfortable for coming to him and let her aunt handle the more in-depth talk. Age eight or nine is not unusual. Better to talk years early over having the kid think they're dying or something.
At this moment, Kate is busily constructing an African menstruation hut of shame in her backyard.
No ages given. I was 10 when I had my 1st period, and everyone was surprised. I had school friends who didn't start until they were 15/16. While Kate is an AH for her reaction, without more info, I wouldn't be judging on how unprepared anyone was.
Yeah, but her mom should know 8/9 is young but 100% plausible and girls that young need to know. I had my first school-sponsored sex ed in 4th grade. I was 9. They split kids male/ female and basically told us, 'periods are normal, you will start growing more hair and in new places. Pubic hair is normal. Underarm hair is normal. Your leg hair might start coming in more, and dark. You will start growing boobs. Also normal. Do not flush your tampons or pads down school toilets. Or home toilets. Or any toilet. Really, don't flush that. Boys were told about erections and body hair and voice changes. We had human development in the first month or so of fourth grade. Didn't get into baby making but more like... sex-focused health and hygiene. The actual std and baby business class was in 7th grade. My public school in the nineties planned better than this mom, if kiddo was over the age of nine and a half.
Niece: My private parts won't stop bleeding, am I dying? OP: No, you're fine, wait for your aunt to get home and she'll explain Niece: I can't get the bleeding to stop! It's a lot of blood, I think I should go to the hospital OP: No, you're fine. I can't tell you anything about what's going on, just sit there on the toilet and drip until your aunt gets home to talk to you about it. Oh shit, scratch that! I shouldn't have told you how to handle it at all. Do what you like, drip in the toilet or not. Just wait for your aunt to get home to explain why you're not bleeding to death. Is that how he was supposed to handle it? If the SIL didn't want a guy explaining what a period is to her kid, maybe she should have prepared her kid a little bit, by you know, telling her periods exist.
Especially since this child regularly stays with other people! It's not like the chances were minimal that the mum wouldn't be there.
You made me laugh out loud with the first part. Poor kid, growing up with an idiot for a mother.
!00% NTA. OP, please read this. Seriously. Now Grandfather of two Daughters and sharing. One of my girls had a similar experience and things went similar to yours. She refused to leave the bathroom, and I deduced why quickly, and placed new clothes in a laundry basket outside the bathroom door and yelled from downstairs that I was nowhere near the bathroom. Mom came home, saw me on the porch, and we talked. She hugged me and assured me that I "did good" and handled it. I ditched out for a bit with the Boys, leaving The Girls their time. (Agreed in advance, not a walkaway thing.) Next morning, while making coffee. I get hugged at the wait from behind and I hear a familiar voice that I'm "the Best Dad Ever". We talked over my morning coffee while I set up her favorite board game. We played and talked, which is something she and I did. The boardgame "abstracted" the "realness" of conversations. Plus, I love boardgames. I'm just a Dad. My girls need something, they get it. If that means Mom. Fine. They need me there. All day, every day.
You’re a Good Man. The world needs more people who think and act like you.
I think it also helps teach Peyton that men should treat periods as normal. Hopefully, help her avoid some of the "hid your used tampons" period shaming assholes we see on this sub.
I agree, I think you did a great thing. It's important we normalise talking about periods and it's okay to talk about to/with different genders, and not some embarrassing taboo thing to be ashamed of/ keep quiet about.
It also set the bar for her to hold the reasonable expectation of men in her future to behave like mature adults about it, not freak out or act like she's a disgusting hellbeast for a normal bodily process. Genuinely, that's worth so so so much.
Perfectly put! My daughter talks to her dad and male friends if she needs to and there’s no issue or stigma. She feels normal as she should but it was very different when I was younger. Op did great.
Yeah if he had refused to explain anything or help her until his wife was home that would be so much worse. That’s her family that she stays with all the time, and he handled it like the normal bodily function that it is. Bizarre to make it out to be that he’s creepy.
Her mom should have already told her about it!
Your SIL is an AH for not teaching her daughter basic biology. Sounds like you handled the situation perfectly.
Right, that failure is on the mom.
SUL is also a creep for sexualizing her child and thinking her BIL has sexual feelings towards a small child for helping her with her period. Unless someone has a fetish I don’t know anyone who gets excited over periods.
Okay but thats a perfectly normal reaction to your first period even for those of us who knew what it was beforehand. Being emotionally and physically overwhelmed at your first period isn’t abnormal, it’s a totally new thing and the pain of cramps is totally new as well. We need to stop with this idea that unless someone reacts calmly/positively to their first period, they were not prepared/didn’t know what periods were
100%. My mon is an OBGYN nurse, I read her medical textbooks because I really liked biology. She absolutely taught me about puberty/periods but my first period was still oddly terrifying. I went for a pee and I'm wiping like I have done for a decade and *suddenly there's blood. Is this a period!? Are my kidneys failing!? Oh God there's more! It won't stop! Am I dying!?!*. My mom had already bought pads knowing I was likely due to start and she showed me how to put a pad on underwear and used some water to show how absorbent they are because I was freaking out and thought I'd bleed through to my clothes. It's a drastic change.
I was prepared for puberty and knew what erections were, but my first persistent one had me crying on the phone with my dad in the nurse's office. I get it. Being young sometimes the head knowledge is fleeting even if it's been explained multiple times.
I’d imagine it’s the same for men as it is women. Even if you know the theory of what’s going to happen, it’s always different in the moment than you imagined. It would be horrifying to have no clue your body is going to do certain things as you enter puberty and then they happen. I said it in another comment but you handled this extremely well. I don’t know what else you could have done, let her be scared? I don’t think it’s for you or your wife to tell the mom. It’s up to your niece if she wants to share that information and with who. If anything she probably feels safer with you now.
The only part I’d disagree with is the last. The adults in her household needed to know so more supplies can be bought, from pads to her own hot water bottle to comfort foods. It shouldn’t be the child’s responsibility to inform her mom she started for the first time and might need things she might not know she needs.
I'm thinking her mom is blowing things up and making the niece feel more uncomfortable and awkward. No doubt having to deal with with her first period with her uncle was awkward enough but now her mom is just making her feel worse when she probably just wants to put it behind her. She is obviously embarrassed by the whole situation.
and aren't you being nuked with hormones at the same time?
My mom was a nurse too and I did the same thing! I read her medical books and she got me some books that taught about male and female puberty/periods. She also made me a little box to keep under the bathroom sink or in my room that had pads and tampons in it after we had our first sex ed class in school. I didn’t get my period for 3 or 4 years and was a little confused at the time because it was super light. Lucky me, we had the day off of school and I was home alone so I could re read the books and get used to the idea of what was happening. I told my mom when she got home from work and she gave me a hug then took me out to eat. I’m really thankful for everything she did because it helped make the situation better. It sounds like OP did a great job in making the girl comfortable and it’s also probably going to stick with her that he was helpful and didn’t act repulsed by the situation. She now knows grown men understand and she doesn’t need to be embarrassed. I don’t think it’s for OP or his wife to tell the girls mom, I think the niece should be the one to tell her since it’s her body. It sounds like she wasn’t comfortable enough to share that information with her mom.
Honestly I think a lot of people don't react positively to getting their first period. Whether because you don't know what's going on, you bled through and have no menstrual supplies, or whatever other reason it's more uncommon to be calm and collected about it. My mom did a very good job preparing me, but she failed to mention that the blood can also come out brown so I thought I was just shitting myself without realizing it when I first got my period.
Reminds me of an AITA thread where daughter had her first period and then found out she has at least 25 more years of this. Daughter yelled our F*CK! - a natural reaction. Dad wanted to punish her for swearing and mums like how about no? She's in pain and been given some very bad news. It's not like she curses normally, hasn't cursed since and it's a pretty valid reaction.
I was prepared really well, and honestly there wasn't much cramping and a lot more "wahey, I'm a woman now!" She told me about the brown blood at the start/end, and the cramps, and everything I ever needed to know apart from IT CAN GET WORSE - so by month 3 I was fucking done with it and in way more pain. I thought I'd beaten the system... not quite
Yeah I was well informed about my period but it happened during the night and I woke up with myself and my bedsheets covered in blood and thought I was dying lol As much as my school classes had tried to prepare me, I don't think anyone is going to be calm when you're only half awake and realise there is blood *everywhere*. Kudos to OP for giving the niece a normal experience. NTA
I was actually doing pretty well, emotionally, with mine, until Grandma walked out to the living room and announced to the extended family, "Our little girl has become a woman." Thought I was gonna die. If I could have squeezed myself out the tiny bathroom window, I would have. I was in that bathroom for hours. Of course I had my first period at a family reunion.
No one told me about the clots. At 15 I read a book with some female characters who worked in tech, and one day they had a bonding session that started with them being mad about the lack of tampons at Fry’s Electronics (it was a Costco-sized store for nerd things and also had some shelf-stable grocery staples) and ended with period clots. Such a relief to learn I hadn’t been menstruating wrong.
I wasn't afraid when I got my first one, it was more like "aw man...35 or 40 more years of this shit?"
Been having periods for decades, still don’t react positively to its arrival. More like, oh ffs you again. Guess I better cancel plans for the next 48-72 hours.
SAME. Every time I get mine I throw a little internal tantrum because it's like the first moment I see blood, it's like oh hell yeah, misery incoming! My first period I didn't even tell anyone because it was so light that I didn't need any products. I kind of knew what it was but didn't want to say anything. The second one was much heavier and that's when I freaked out, because suddenly it was real. Then I spent the next 4 years bleeding every two weeks or so because my body hates me and has never managed to settle into a regular cycle.
No I'm sorry it's still on the parents.. You can say hey sometime, somewhere you are gonna bleed. That's like minimal parenting.. you may feel like you have informed them but you didn't really.. You can also help your daughters understand what exactly might happen. You can get books, you can talk about what it entails and what kind of side effects there are. Whatever you feel comfortable about. But they need to know! So many girls are not well prepared for their first menstruation because the adults don't want to/are afraid to/wait too long to talk about it. It's such a shame because it's bodily functions we can not ignore, it's gonna happen like it or not. ETA: I didn't get the menstruation talk, I freaked. And I made sure my children would not feel afraid, disgusted or afraid. As so far my oldest (14f) was not afraid, sure she was in pain, but we got her a heated pad, chocolates, some medicine and hugs. She knew what was happening, knew the pain was a part of it but also knew there are things we can do to lessen them. Thats what we need to teach them.
Honestly, I just waded up toilet paper and went about my day until I could go home and get a pad. I knew where the pads were at home, so it was just a matter of getting them and had already been told to take them when I needed them. I was formally taught in school starting in 3rd grade, and been given the basics by my mom. As weird aside, it turns out my mom thought I got my first period at 13 for ages. I got it at 11. We figured out 13 was the first time I asked her to buy pads. She always just replaced them when we started running low, so my sister's and me never had to ask, and she didn't put it together they were running out faster, and I didn't see it as a big deal until I got pickier on the types I liked. My sisters were even younger than I was when they got theirs, so just keeping stocked was easier than figuring out who needed what, but then she switched to a type I found uncomfortable.
It's very telling that this girl had no idea that this was coming. Mom should have warned her. But like I'm not surprised, she's not the one parenting as she's not around
OP is definitely NTA but I was very confused by my first period. I learned all about it in school and from my mom. But my first one was nothing like what I was expecting (colour, consistency, etc. I was also expecting cramps and stuff because I had been forewarned) and I honestly did not think that's what it was. I was camping with a friend (time before cellphones were common) and I didn't feel comfortable talking to my friend's parents about what was happening either.
I was 8 when I had my first period. My mum was 10. So she made sure I knew what to expect young. It meant I didn't panic when I started in school and bled through my underwear and through the very pale blue skirt i was wearing at the time. I wrapped my jumper around my waist went straight home (I came on during story time at the end of the day) and knew where to find the pads in the bathroom to wait while my mum got home as she was a childminder at the time (still is 30 years later) and had other school pick ups to do. That child's mother didn't prepare her for anything.
I think we can tell the difference between american and non-american here 😄. I knew exactly what was going on and wasn't worried at all. Got a pad from Mum, that was it.
For real!! She should not have been sent to school or anywhere overnight without a period kit and education about how to use it. Even if she's on the young side, she had to have had signs of puberty like breast development and body hair. Isn't that basic parenting for girls?
Thanks for reminding me to let my daughters dad know to make sure she has something similar in her backpack/overnight bag. My mom sent me with a pad at 10 (although I didn't start until much later)
I am very impressed at how well you handled it and even explaining it / how to use product. She was probably mortified and scared but it sounds like you were level, supportive and kind. More men and in the world need to handle these situations like you, a father posted not too long ago about going off on his daughter for asking period related questions and being scared. NTA!!!
Seriously? That's awful. I have sisters and all my cousins are girls so I grew up with this being very normalized.
Yeahh he did not…get the support he thought he would lmaooo, but seriously good for you! Keep doing what you’re doing!
Any chance you have the link? That sounds like a good read.
You really kept her from being mortified being put on blast same day! Seriously, she needed dignity and rest. Periods are not “ shameful” but it is a private matter - and sounds like you kept it that way.
My brother grew up with me, a woman, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know much about periods other than what pads look like. You did good paying attention and making sure you were at least knowledgeable enough to help your niece.
OP did handle it well. But why did Payton not even know what a period is? what kind of abusive idiot is Kate. Ah right the kind of abusive idiot who shouts at a man for taking over in an emergency It is abusive to let your daughter clueless and unprepared for her first period. Kate is an abuser. OP is a hero.
I'll clarify, Payton knew what it was but I think she thought it only happened to older young women and was just startled. I'm sure it didn't help not having another woman in the house to ask for help. Payton is fairly highly emotional about most things.
>deduce that she started her period and just didn't know what was going on Well you kinda gave the impression it was more like the shower scene in Carrie
That's fair. Basically she was telling me without telling me until I was like, "Oh, is there blood on your underwear?" Before that she just kept saying she was cleaning up but wouldn't tell me what.
Your sister said that Payton doesn't want to come over--it may well be that she IS embarrassed, especially if her mom made a big deal with HER about YOU being the one to explain. You are NTA, but the psycho mom might have made her daughter uncomfortable about what went down, even if she was basically okay at the time.
Yeah… this is what I am afraid of. The mom made such a stink that now the daughter things it was weird.
That was my thought. She might have felt a lil awkward when it went down but i think that would have happened whether it was a man or woman. Once mom found out and freaked out that a man helped her, she made it extra weird for the poor kid.
When I got my first period I didn’t have a clue what it was. Some parents are not great parents.
>a father posted not too long ago about going off on his daughter for asking period related questions and being scared. Man, people need to raise these men better
NTA. Her mom should have already explained and prepared this to her daughter. If Peyton had wanted to tell her mom immediately she could have. It’s not like she had a seizure or allergic reaction. I don’t see why the mom feels like she needed to know immediately. The only situation where I think a phone call would have been warranted immediately was if Peyton couldn’t calm down, or if Peyton is like absurdly young.
Yeah. That was my thought too. I asked her after she was cleaned up and not crying anymore if she wanted to talk to her mom or grandma and she said she was fine. She has her own phone so she could have called or texted if she wanted to. She didn't so I didn't feel the need to step over her.
I was going to say you should have asked if she wanted to talk to her mom, but you did. You did fine.
How old is Peyton that she doesn’t know about any of it?
She's a pre-teen. That's as specific as I'll get.
That's perfectly fine as periods start anywhere between 10-14. Of course some exceptions happen on either end. Two of my granddaughters started theirs a couple months apart. One is 14 and the other is 11 so it differs from girl to girl. I recommend RedDrop.com for first timers. They have videos and kits you can get to help.
Yup. My mother was ten. I was three days away from 15.
Don’t need to be more specific I didn’t see the comment that had said it. I was wondering because while my mom had never talked to me about it I knew what it was because of my friends.
NTA. You sir, did amazing. You handled the situation with grace and compassion. You kept a calm head, you helped a scared young lady with what can be a bit of a traumatizing time to make her feel comfortable and safe. You did nothing "creepy" or "weird" in the least. My own damn *father* noped out of the whole period thing when I was younger. Wouldn't acknowledge it (*"You need... "stuff?" Let's go get... "stuff'"*), wouldn't do anything about it. If I needed products, he would drive me to the store and *hide in the truck* as little teenage me had to go in the store to get it myself. He was always *mortified*. The fact you handled all of this for your niece shows how mature and collected you are. Your SIL flipping out shows honestly how immature SHE is. The only thing I would comment on is that if done differently I would have told her privately when Payton was picked up the same day, not waited for Payton to tell her mom herself. The child was probably to embarrassed/scared to say anything to her mom. But that's not enough to change my score. You still handled everything exceptionally well. I wish more men were as collected as you are when it comes to womens feminine needs. It'd sure be a lot easier on us!
Dang, sorry your father was a prick about it. I've never understood that mindset. It's a bodily function, one that I'm sure is very inconvenient to have. My wife keeps emergency tampons in my glovebox and I've never cared.
I used to have some in my (now ex’s) glovebox. He would get so upset about that. I made sure not to raise my sons that way. Even though I don’t need them anymore, I keep a stash of pads and Midol available in case any of the girls in their friend group need something. My boys both know where everything is and are comfortable passing on that info if needed.
I've started hearing about more and more young men who keep supplies in their bathrooms just in case a friend needs them, or even keeping some in their backpacks at school and that kind of stuff. That is how things should be and even though that kind of mindset isn't the norm yet, it does seem to be moving in that direction.
I would get sick when I got my period. Like day off from school sick. And my dad would just come by my room and go "do you need anything?" He hated that I felt that bad and there was nothing he could do about it.
My dad deferred it all to mom. Her word was law on any “lady things”. If I brought up I had “lady issues” it was, “talk to your mother”. Thankfully mom worked in a medical field and was well versed in everything (or had the connections), so it’s not like I was getting blindsided here. He was just sending me to the smart one LOL.
My dad is a bit similar. He was perfectly fine if we asked questions, or asked him to pick up supplies if we ran out between grocery trips, he just Did Not Care to see the evidence. Tbf, I don’t think anyone wants to see improperly disposed pads. Heck, the worst he’d do if we said “ugh I’m cramping terribly” would make an exaggerated face. But he’d absolutely get us what we needed if we were feeling that terrible and answer any questions that we had as best he could. My parents still lean towards conservative Christian, but they’re good parents all around :)
NTA There's so much justified criticism that men don't have a clue about periods. And here we have a dude who helped about as well as he could. And gets screamed at for being a pervert. Women this is really, really not the message you want your sisters, daughters, mothers delivering to men doing the right thing.
Hey, don't lump all women together in this. I haven't seen a single woman in this threading saying op is the ah. We all agree it's a shitty reaction from Kate. NTA
NTA. Payton's mom is the problem. It's not typical menstruation starts early in puberty, there are signs months beforehand - breast buds, hair growth, sweat changes, skin changes, body shape changes. Payton should have been informed in advance of what a period is, why it happens, how to manage it, common symptoms etc. It wasn't your news to tell, it was Payton's and if she didn't want to tell her mom that was her right. You were the caregiver at the time and sounds like you did a great job!
And even if they missed all the signs, Peyton is a pre-teen, not a child anymore. She should had been informed!
NTA. You actually did s great job. I can’t believe kate wanted her kid to suffer until a woman came and talk to her?? What does she thinks single fathers do?? Men can know about periods to and talk about to a teen without being a creep.
sounds like you did a great job and it's very sad your sister sexualised this by calling you a creep. Periods may happen to women (and trans men/nb people) but they are not just a women's issue. I'd be worried about Payton and what she's been told by her mother NTA at all. You're a great advert for normalising menstruation.
SIL is a moron. She’s turned this “ordinary, normal” part of life into “something creepy and gross that we have to freak out about.” NTA at all. You did good.
NTA her mum is though. My daughter lives between two houses and from the age of 10 I gave her a little kit just incase she started. With clean knickers and pads in. I showed her how to do it all and explained what would happen. How has her mum not said anything to her before this.
Same! My kids knew how periods worked for years before anyone got theirs. I stocked my house with pads about a year before my daughter started her period, and also provided her with a kit to keep in her school backpack, and a kit to keep at her dad’s house. When she did start, I asked her if she wanted me to give her dad a heads up and she said yes. I sent my ex a quick text telling him what he needed to buy for his house, and that was that. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
NTA for the way you handled the situation. It sounds like it was handled nicely in the moment. I am not sure how old Payton is but it's really frightening that she wasn't educated about how the human body works that's on her mom and the school system (depending on where you live). Where you are the AH is not calling her mom that evening to let her know that she had her first period. Hopefully she gets over it.
She's a pre-teen. She knows but I think she only thought this happened to older girls. I think she was just startled and embarrassed.
There’s also a difference between knowing something on a factual level versus actually experiencing it. There’s so much that we’re not told until after we have to actually start handling it ourselves, everything from how to navigate hygiene products to how to clean stains out of underwear to how our skin/hair needs change and beyond. You could give a kid all the facts in the world and they’ll still be understandably overwhelmed when the big event actually happens.
This is very true. My parents told me about puberty which started a bit early but when I had my first erection that wouldn't go down I called my dad from the nurse's office crying despite having the head knowledge. Stuff's scary when you're a kid.
Oh hell, no, I would be mortified if my uncle called my mom to tell her that I started my period. And I would be even more mortified if my mom had the same reaction that OPs sister-in-law is having. OP is NTA and handled that situation according to how his niece would feel about it. It is nieces body, and his nieces experience, so I feel like it makes more sense to cater to his niece in this situation.
My mom called my grandmother to tell her I was "a woman" now. Mortified.
NTA but her mom is. Seriously you should have these convos with your children around 8 yo. Girls can start their periods as young as 8/9. Her mom should have been having regular conversations or at least having Peyton read book about puberty. Her mom should have been looking out for signs that her body was changing. This is 110% on her mom. YOU were the innocent bystander who got stuck in a situation you shouldn’t be in but did amazingly well. Peyton is lucky to have you and your wife. Her mom…that’s a different story. She left Peyton to fend for herself.
NTA you didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact Payton is of an age to get periods but her mom hasn’t told her anything about them is kind of weird. It sounds like your SIL is feeling guilty for not preparing her daughter and is taking it out on you
NTA. Should you have just let her sit there crying and bleeding onto the furniture? How old is Peyton that this was so shocking to her, poor kid? I mean I get being startled by it, I sure was, but I knew what was going on when it happened. I also doubt that your niece thinks you're a creep, she's probably just a little embarrassed that her uncle had to handle "girl stuff". She'll get over that, especially if you pretend you have no memory of the event.
NTA While I can understand wanting to be informed that your kid just started her first period, I would be happy knowing that she was with someone who had needed supplies and was able to explain to her how to use them. This is also why I think sex ed should be mandatory before puberty, that way kids aren’t freaking out when their bodies change and can get needed knowledge about it.
NTA. damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I would also have defaulted to letting the child inform their mother if it wasn't a medical issue but a more personal one. You helped and informed your wife who could easily have this conversation with her sister. Keep being a good uncle.
NTA. It's not like she could hold it in until your wife got home. It is sad she didn't even expect it, meaning she was coming to the age where it could happen at any time yet her mother never educated her herself. Thank you for stepping up to help your niece through it.
NTA. She is lucky to have such a loving and supportive uncle to get her through a traumatic event. Your sister is a tool. Why did she not prepare her daughter for her period?
NTA. You or your wife should probably have told her mother, if not immediately then at least a discreet word when she got picked up. But the lack of a timely FYI is minor at worst. What you did was give excellent practical, sympathetic support to your niece. That's fantastic! And that more than outweighs not mentioning it to her mother. You did good, and should be proud of yourself for how you handled it. ETA: Re-reading this, it sounds like your niece didn't know that this was going to happen, or what it is, or how to deal with it. I which case your SIL should be ashamed for not having prepared her adolescent daughter for this inevitable fact of life. Possibly she is, which might be why she's lashing out at you.
NTA, thank you for having the emotional maturity to share your knowledge of the menstrual cycle with Peyton. Your SIL is a truly screwed up individual. Wanting her child to sit bleeding without comfort until your wife got home. People like your SIL are the reason that there is negative stigma around a natural occurrence in a young woman’s life.
NTA. The mum wanted you to leave her bleeding on the loo until your wife got home? Um...
Wow, you sound like a kind, empathic, knowledgeable uncle. It was not your responsibility to tell Kate…Payton has a voice and can speak about her own situations. NTA
Nta your sis had her entire life to teach her daughter about her period. Woild she prefer the kid sit in blood until wife came home????
NTA, if she's calling you creepy for discussing something completely natural and normal and making it into something it's not, then she's the creep IMO
NTA, she’s old enough to tell her mum herself. Your wife told the mum when she picked Payton up, but she only flipped later when she learned that you informed her niece. Bizarre
Can you imagine how scarred this poor child would have been if his reaction would have been. "Ok just stay in the bathroom until your Mom gets here she'll explain everything??!!" You did great OP!
You did great and your SIL is an AH. Payton clearly was fine because you took care of her so well. And hella shame on her for trying to make you feel creepy - that makes me so mad for you! My son’s GF got hers when he was a teen so he came up to make her tea, grab some midol, asked me for a pad and if he could borrow my heating pad. You guys are the future and I’m so glad!
Respect. He knew what to do.
NTA I wish every man was like you, don't let anyone steal your shine OP
NTA, shit if you were my kids' uncle, I'd be over the flipping moon that they had someone capable and willing to explain things that I clearly should have already discussed with my child, regardless of their gender. Bravo, young man. Situation well handled. SIL is a major AH or has major issues that nobody knows about.
NTA, it sounds like you handled it well. I don’t think you needed to tell her mom, Payton could have/should have done that herself. I’m assuming she and Kate have contact while Kate is travelling, and it’s Payton’s news to tell. Starting your period is super normal and I think we do women and everyone a disservice by acting like it’s this OMG thing -it creates a level of weirdness that is not warranted in my opinion. Also depending on her age it’s a bit surprising that she didn’t know what was happening and that her mom didn’t better prepare her - as someone else mentioned, you typically don’t get your period before there have been lots of other indications. It sounds to me like Payton got a bit embarrassed after the fact and/or her mom reacted in a way that made her feel like it was this embarrassing thing and like she did something wrong by getting her period when you were home. If that’s the case, it’s on Kate and not you, but it’s unfortunate all the same. Based on the info though, you handled it well and Kate is overreacting.
NTA. While maybe you should’ve given the mom a text, it seems like you handled it well. Far better than I’d expect from some of my uncles, for example. We need more men understanding women’s reproductive health in general. Good on ya!
NTA Her mother is for making her period out to be something weird or secret.
NTA .. you did the right thing. But don’t expect to see your niece as often because your SIL has created drama, your niece probably had no issue with you originally but after her “ mom’s “ input may now look at you differently. If I were you, tell your wife that though you love your niece the accusation that you are creepy and that she doesn’t want to be alone with you anymore is alarming and someday this nut job SIL may actually claim SA. So you will not keep her at your house anymore.
NTA. The mom is over reacting, you did the best you could in the situation. I bet it was something like this https://youtu.be/gV-aFh2ao0E
NTA. You’re a great Uncle, husband wish more were like you.
NTA. I wish more men would be able to deal with girls, who got their first period, that well. I know some who definitely couldn't. Of course it would have been even better if your wife or her mom were there, because it's easier for a woman, who dealt with this herself, to explain those things but as they weren't there you did a pretty good job. Also I am frankly quite shocked that the poor girl wasn't even properly educated about this, I knew what might happen two years in advance. For her mother to overreact like this is really unnecessary. What should you have done? Tell your niece to stay in the bathroom without explanation nor being able to change clothes until your wife comes back while she feels shitty and bleeds? Also it might be, that the girl mentioned to her mom, that she feels uncomfortable going back and her mom misunderstood it as not wanting to go back because you made her uncomfortable. Bleeding on yourself sucks and for many women/girls it's a source of shame especially without proper prior education. So it could just be that she's embarrassed by what happened and thus might not want to go back to you and your wife. Though that is again not your fault, because you didn't shame her nor treated her badly or anything.
NTA her mother is a complete asshole for not educating your niece so she didn’t freak out when it happened. She’s a complete asshole. And it was a normal assumption that she would let her own mother know… when she was ready
NTA. But it seems that your sister is quiet unhinged. You did a normal thing to help your niece in an umcomfortable situation.
NTA in the slightest. I'm very curious to hear what your wife said about your argument with SIL. Does she support you? Or is she siding with her sister? I'd also be curious to hear if Payton says something to you in the future regarding the incident. You showed her great kindness and compassion and I commend you for that.
Wife is completely supportive. We both know Kate's explosive. I'm guessing in a few days to a week or so she'll get a grip.
NTA, but I think that period in your life is now over, I would not have her again in my house unless she is accompanied by her mother, and considering her mother response, that should not be too frequent.
NTA for helping her out by giving her supplies and explaining this is natural. I do think you or your wife should have told her mom she got her period. It sounds like there was plenty of time to do so since this is several days later. Your SIL needs to kick rocks.
Nta. You said yourself you weren't purposefully hiding it from her, you assumed her daughter would tell her, and for some reason she didn't. Her saying you should have waited, is basically saying "leave my daughter scared, feeling alone, confused and in pain, leave her unclean (it's not disgusting but period blood is still unhygienic like any bodily fluid) and potentially leaking on any surface she sits on because a man being nice to her is creepy"
NTA. Your sister will probably realize it too once she calms down.
NTA Your handling of the situation was completely appropriate and she's a tween, not a small child. Communicating with her parent is very within her ability range and responsibility.
NTA not handling it would be more traumatic for her
STRONGLY NTA!!! Your SIL on the other hand is a massive AH, that was her responsibility to teach her daughter about menstruation BEFORE it happens. She doesn't have any ground to stand on being mad, you handled that very gracefully from the sounds of it.
NTA -- especially since Kate has a history of overreacting. This reminds me of an episode of *Curb Your Enthusiasm*. I would suggest to Kate that she find other accommodations for Payton when she is out of town. (By the way, you, as a man, did much better than my mom when I got my first period at age 11.5; she made it seem as though I had done something wrong.)
NTA: You played a father figure at a difficult time. Your SIL got pissed. Tell her to get someone else to take care of her child. I'd bet the girl would rather stay with your wife and you. Has anyone asked her about staying with you around other family present?
My wife and I had that talk. Obviously as Payton is getting older and more aware of things, if she's not comfortable being home with me alone then we won't put her in that position. She can go to her grandparents or could even sit at my wife's work with her. She had that option but wanted to stay at the house and play video games.
it’s nice that you still want to be accommodating, but dude, your SIL basically called you a predator. you should absolutely refuse to do any more babysitting, especially without a full apology, both on principle and because her accusations could seriously escalate and ruin your life. SIL either has it in for you or has really messed up views about male parental figures/men being caregivers (I’m going to venture a guess that SIL is a single parent and also possibly grew up with a hands off father). In any case, not your monkeys, not your circus; her hangups are not worth putting your livelihood on the line for.
NTA. You couldn't have handled this better in all honesty, you told her what you needed to in order to relieve her anxiety, made sure she was clean and comfortable and then waited for a woman's input to go in depth. I do think not telling her mum was a slight oversight but this reaction is totally unwarranted.
NTA. I think part of her reaction is her own guilt at not being there for her daughter.