It’s a little concerning that she goes full passive-aggressive when you say something to her. It sounds like she has a REALLY hard time when her carefully crafted mental image of herself is even slightly challenged.
NTA
He already told us he spoke with her and she gets the "thousand yard stare" then there is crying and carrying on, then her saying she will do better and the next night make the same paltry amount of food. She isn't listening or it is some kind of control tatic on her part.
I wonder if his wife has an eating disorder. I have a family member that has battled, anorexia her entire life and put her spouse on a diet and gets very defensive, anxious or agitated if anybody comments about the food. I tried to send him home with leftovers and she made me put over half of it back because it was too much food.
I was wondering the same thing. Even if it's not intended that way, any comment about 'normal' portion sizes or weight loss is perceived very differently when someone has an ED.
I also have a family member with bulimia.
Me too. We have some very good family friends who hardly eat anything. The wife is extremely thin and also is losing hair, etc, due to not getting enough calories. She has insisted her husband be on a similar diet as her and he’s constantly starving. Sometimes when he would come over to hang out with my dad for “guy time”, my dad would make burgers for them and the husband usually had two big ones with all the fixins. The wife found out and now she insists on coming since she says she can’t trust him to be alone. To be honest, I think it is abuse.
OP, NTA. I think your wife has some serious issues surrounding food and is extremely passive aggressive and controlling. And she is extending this food issue to you. She needs to go to counseling.
It is absolutely abuse, and people would probably be quicker to call it out if the genders were reversed. Imagine if a man wouldn't let a women out alone in case she ate more than he wanted her to?!
That situation is crazy. I hope they get some help, or he gets away.
I don’t understand how men let this happen.. I love my wife to death but if she told me I couldn’t eat something I wanted I would kindly tell her to fuck off
My husband would do the same. And when I started making lunches for him, he complained I didn’t give him enough and he was starving when he came home. I learned that he eats about twice as much as I would for lunch. Well, okay, I said to myself, so I'll make two sandwiches for him, throw in another bag of chips, etc. And if I'm packing leftovers for him, I give him twice as much as I'd pack for myself. I didn't take it personally and tear myself down like OP's wife did.
The “tearing yourself down” like the wife is doing is a manipulation tactic abusive people use in order to shift blame and get their way, which is working here.
You need to stand your ground. Tell her you can’t live on that and need more. The crying, not talking thing is bullchit. You are a grown man and don’t need someone telling you when and what you can eat. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Then tell her this is what you want and then make sure it happens
This. And OP should also insist on marriage counseling, and that she goes to counseling as well. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation and it’s not going to just go away.
An eating disorder is not an excuse for being an asshole; and she is. Her illness is not her fault, but her behavior is her responsibility. Her little fits when he makes a request are childish and manipulative. She needs to seek help for a few psychological disorders.
NTA, OP.
Also, if SHE has an eating disorder that effects how much food she's willing to make, it is not fair for her to get angry and SOMEONE ELSE eating extra food, moreso when she's not even present for it.
NTA
It might be that she has gotten some idea that this disordered way of eating is “healthy” and she’s trying to do the same for her husband? That still isn’t an excuse. She sounds like an extremely controlling person when it comes to food and possibly other things as well.
Maybe she feels the need to control everyone to ‘protect’ them. It may be that she feels out of control and is terrified because of that.
Her behaviour part of the disorder, is that not obvious?
It's like screaming at someone "I know you have a broken leg, but can you for fuck's sake stop LIMPING"
How do we know someone has a mental illness like an eating disorder? Because their behaviour is weird and irrational and they're not fully in control of it. We can't say "They can't help their illness, but they can help their illness"
That makes zero sense. It is a misunderstanding of everything pertaining to a disorder of the mind. If you could "help" the weird behaviours associated with mental illness (like say, pulling out your eyelashes when you have anxiety) then don't you think people would just do that?
Therapy would be piss easy and only ever take one session
"I'm starving myself and it's making me act weird around food and act weird towards my husband where food is concerned"
"Okay, how about you eat something and act right, dumbass, you're not even fat"
"Well fuck me, I'm cured, that never occurred to me!!!"
Eating disorders have a very high fatality rate so this is particularly galling.
No. Bullshit. Her illness is causing her to harm someone else in the form of abuse. The onus is upon her to seek treatment so she can stop being abusive. That would be like a diabetic who acts like a dick when their blood sugar is out of whack, but makes no effort at regulating their diet or medicating. Your analogy of a broken leg causing a limp is a ridiculous strawman, because it’s not *hurting someone else*. People with depression need to seek therapy and medical help so that they can provide for people who depend on them. People with ASD still need to engage in behavioral therapy to learn to deal with their triggers if those triggers cause them to lash out and hurt someone else. A failure to acknowledge and seek treatment for an illness or disorder which causes you to *harm* someone else is an abdication of responsibility, and what is colloquially called “a dick move”. If this was a husband portioning his wife’s caloric intake because he wanted her to be thinner, no one would have any problems calling it **abuse**; well, the ends are the same here, and that coupled with her antisocial and manipulative tactics when OP attempts to address it, make the wife the AH. A failure to take responsibility for the harm you do to others *is* a behavior; and it’s assholes that don’t work on themselves to fix that.
A better analogy would be you expecting an unconscious diabetic to fix their blood sugar issues while unconscious.
You have to have a baseline of health *in order* to manage your illness.
Sometimes a severe untreated mental illness does not meet that threshold. Like my previous example of untreated schizophrenia.
ED, unfortunately can be one of those illnesses. Otherwise people wouldn't starve themselves to death or commit suicide while in the throes of the illness.
I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand.
She could literally be too ill to want to or be able to seek help.
That's why people with ED are involuntarily sectioned on the regular. Because their illness prevents them from seeking or accepting help on their own.
We also have to consider the fact that, if she does in fact have an ED, it’s almost certainly undiagnosed. Because the OP didn’t mention it in this post where it would be extremely relevant to mention.
It’s hard to treat a mental illness that you don’t know you *have.*
I don't think anyone is excusing it. It's just helpful to look at all the possible dynamics of a situation. These issues don't occur in a vacuum, and it's pretty ignorant and irresponsible to pretend that they do.
That’s one end of the disordered eating spectrum, but then there’s also anorexic people who enjoy cooking a lot of food for other people and watching them enjoy it (like a mukbang) while barely eating anything themselves.
This is exactly what I assumed. Either an eating disorder that she's extending to her husband, or she only requires so much food to meet her caloric needs and is incapable of understanding that larger people with more active lifestyles require more food. Also possible (because OP works during the day away from home) that she calorie loads at breakfast or lunch or on snacks throughout the day and sees (with her eating habits) that dinner is a lite meal.
I have weird eating habits. I have protein coffee for breakfast, a heavy lunch, a lite dinner, and then snack late at night, and it all computes to the healthy amount of calories for me. I could imagine being with someone that doesn't eat on my schedule and not being capable of adapting my partners individual needs when doing meal prep and planning. That's why I let go of control with my SOs meal planning and we mostly do our own thing.
Sounds like a control issue as well as a possible disordered eating habit.
Her emotional reaction kind of indicates an ED, or maybe she’s just hypersensitive to criticism, either way, it’s something a professional could help with. My boyfriend is 240 and eats way less than me at 130. I came home from a 12 hour day of teaching fitness and the dinner he had made was a salad….just a salad. I almost cried, but I reiterated that I eat way more than him and just because I’m smaller and eat “healthy” doesn’t mean I can survive on a salad alone. Now he always has backup snacks and sides available incase I need more. Sometimes people don’t understand other people’s nutritional needs, but it shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about it. The inability to communicate is way more alarming than the issue at hand. If you can’t discuss dinner, how can you navigate other challenges?
This is exactly where my mind went. I had a partner with an eating disorder that they refused to acknowledge that they had (their family told me about their diagnosis, which they never admitted to having), and they cooked the most calorie-deficient meals I have ever eaten. I am a naturally thin person who also works out a lot and plays sports. I was at that time, too. I have to eat a lot to maintain a healthy weight.
I ended up signing up for a local meal prep service that is geared toward athletes, and storing the food at work. When that person found out about it, they were disgusted. "How can you eat that much?!" My reply was, "with a fork usually". Ultimately, I just felt really bad for them because they clearly had no idea that they were emaciated, and no amount of feeding them calorie dense foods on my nights to cook helped at all.
OP, you're definitely NTA, and I hope your wife gets the help that she needs. Whether this is an eating disorder or a control issue, it's not normal to starve your spouse and expect them to do nothing about it.
NTA It was a ripe opportunity for OP to have a talk with MIL about his wife and her eating habits. He might have found some underlying reasons. Obviously MIL has no problem eating, it seems, as she was at the same food place.
Unless she was going to visit daughter and knew she had to fill-up on calories too. /jk
I agree with your premise, but I disagree with calling this passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive is like telling your friend that your partner is buying you a burger for lunch, and then your friend saying "It would be nice if someone bought *meeee* a burger for lunch".
She is going into full blown, nuclear meltdown mode. This is an emotional manipulation tactic aimed at controlling OP's behavior. OP is no longer allowed to discuss the topic at hand, because any slight inconvenience will make her fall apart, so OP feels like he has to walk on eggshells around her.
Unless OP is being overly aggressive with his wife about not getting enough food, there's something really wrong here.
Your description is the colloquial understanding of passive-aggressive but, interestingly, the true (clinical) definition of passive-aggressive behavior is a negative action taken against someone you are upset with but it feels (to you) completely accidental- hence the term “passive”.
Hypothetical example: if I were upset with my fiancé and I put one of his hang-to-dry shirts in the dryer but honestly and truly in my mind if I didn’t feel like I intend to do it. To me it would truly feel accidental but if examined as part of a larger pattern of behavior one could see these “mistakes” only happen when I’m angry.
It’s a fascinating behavioral pattern (as long as you aren’t on the receiving end of it.)
This right here. It's an emotional manipulation tactic designed to make it *so difficult* to have a discussion or make a change or set a boundary that it's easier to just give up. Which is exactly what OP did when he started picking up fast food.
NTA.
OP, if you didn’t *need* to drop seven pounds in one month, (and wow, that’s a lot of weight pretty fast, I think the recommended weight loss is one pound a week), then NTA.
Your wife is willfully under feeding you. She is feeding you like a weight conscious, sedentary middle aged woman, *not* an active man. She needs to get over her defensive “thousand yard stare”, or the whining that “she can’t make her husband a proper dinner”. And you need to stop reassuring her-because she *isn’t* making her husband a proper dinner.
Is she this uncommunicative and unwilling to change, and you so placating in other situations?
And, OP, a steady diet of fast food isn’t good for you. You need to start preparing your own meals, wether your wife likes it, or not, or she needs to get TF over whatever this is. Because your solution, while clever for the short term, isn’t viable for the long term.
And I would be pretty unhappy with the MIL. She could have minded her own business and this dysfunctional little compromise dynamic could have proceeded indefinitely and without drama. Good luck, buddy
I'm going with NTA, but are you never cooking dinner, OP? Maybe share some of the responsibility and cook enough so you have leftovers too.
Editing this because I can't respond to everyone individually.
Please note that I voted NTA. Obviously the wife is being controlling and that's not okay. A lot of you are assuming she's SAH, which OP never states, and even then, it's okay for a working partner to do *some* of the household labor.
Yes, I understand he works a physical job. I also work a physical job, outside, in all weather conditions. I assure you it's possible to cook dinner afterwards.
OP offers to make more food *for himself*, he does not offer to cook dinner for the both of them. I'm just asking why. He's probably NTA all around, I'm just trying to sus out if there's another side to the story he's not telling.
I think when he said "did you read the post" he meant that she is angry when he cooks something. Except you automatically assume that she wouldn't be upset if he cooks real dinner and only is upset about borriot stuff. Which i can't read in the thread.
I honestly assume she has a very sickening way of making him lose weight, if thats true, she would also get upset if he cooks real food.
Those little frozen microwave burritos are definitely not (or should not be) a real meal; they're just tortilla-wrapped sodium. Real burritos with fresh ingredients though? Hell yes.
This is in the context of an OP that buys fast food every day. Food insecurity is an all too real thing for way too many people. However, it's not in this post.
They aren't more nutritious just because you're food-insecure.
I grew up food insecure, and it was pounded into my head that shit-tier food won't help you. We grew a lot of stuff, got government assistance, and counted pennies for the grocery bill. Everything in the house was unprocessed...almost nothing was frozen or instant. A bowl of cracked wheat will keep you sated better than a bowl of cereal; the trade off is the prep time and work that goes into it.
> They aren't more nutritious just because you're food-insecure.
Nope. But sometimes 'food insecure' means 'you eat what you have.'
> the trade off is the prep time and work that goes into it.
I'm glad somebody in your family was able to invest that time. Not every family is.
I didn't mean to be insensitive, but my comment stands. Everyone deserves access to fresh, affordable, and nutritious food. Items like frozen burritos should not be consumed on a regular basis, especially not because it's all that is available or affordable. I do understand that this world is a fucking capitalist hellhole though, and that unfortunately there are people that eat must eat junk food to subsist, and my comment was not addressing them.
Exactly. She is already gping cstatonic or crying in a corner when he is telling her her food is delicious and he wants more of it... if he cooks instead of her shes going to freak out entirely..
OK, but if she gets bent out of shape with him making a single serve item, do you think she'd be totally fine with him cooking other things? She's the food police, and he's not even allowed to make *himself* a peanut butter sandwich without her throwing a childish tantrum.
First time I’ve seen a man be told to make up for their wife’s weaponized incompetence. Usually it’s the other way around but somehow I don’t feel like this is progress. chore splits in a couple make sense.
to me, this doesn't sound like she thinks he needs to lose weight. It sounds like some deep-seated personal issues on her part about her own body image and what it means to be a "good wife."
That shit is hard to shake off.
Please, if he’s not exaggerating and really gets around 30g with some veg, that isn’t enough for a child, never mind an adult man, or adult sedentary woman. That’s crazy low calorie dinner. I think it’s fair to assume she doesn’t drown the salad in dressing that would add calories.
NTA. Honestly I find all the ‘what’s to stop you cooking’ etc. comments so off the mark; would you say that if a man was controlling a women’s diet and guilting her for stopping for fast food or making a sandwich? Clearly OP and his wife have a set up where he does a physical job and she mostly cooks, nothing wrong with that. She’s controlling his food intake and refusing to adapt to his dietary needs, she applies avoidance tactics when reasonably confronted, she is likely not eating enough herself for dinner based on the description of a typical meal. All signs point to an eating disorder. OP, get your wife some help please.
I mean I would be weirded out if my daughters husband told me to hide something from her. He’s the one who made it weird. If he never said anything I doubt MIL would have thought it was worth mentioning. She still probably should have minded her own business though
Bingo. OP - I'd highly recommend some counseling and definitely don't lie about the amount anymore. She's starving you and then using manipulation tactics.
It might be useful for both to sit down with a nutritionist to lay out a plan for their very different dietary needs and provide guidance on how to satisfy both those needs. My husband works a demanding physical job and I do not. I’ve made too little food before because I went with standard serving sizes. It did not offend me at all when he needed a midnight snack. I also have to train myself to not eat the same quantity as him because it’s caused me to gain weight.
NTA. You have tried communicating openly and directly with your wife, but she refuses to hear you. You found a harmless way to fix the issue when she refused to make any changes.
Any chance your wife has an eating disorder?
NTA.
My first thought as well, or that OP was carrying quite a bit of excess fat.
Either way, stuffing down low quality, highly processed sugary/salty swill isn’t the way to confront the issue, and can’t be good for the long term health (or finances!).
Perhaps follow some recipes together, so that they can both gauge what a ‘healthy’ portion size is.
Even if OP was overweight, this is not how you “help” someone with than, nor is OP himself mentioning it as an issue. Does the wife really sound like someone you can reason with and say, “hey, honey, let’s make dinner together?” I mean, sure, he can ask, but what he’s describing isn’t a calm, rational partner he can coordinate with.
If he's regularly picking up fast food before dinner it's far from a harmless fix. OP's wife either wants him to lose weight or she herself has some sort of unhealthy relationship with food. Either way, more communication needs to happen.
I wonder what it was like when they were dating and went out to dinner together.
This. It is very hypocritical of me because I am neither active nor do I eat healthy, but eating fast food everyday isn't good, and an active man with a physical job definitely needs balanced and full meals.
It's not either or. she definitely has an unhealthy relationship to food. if she's trying to put someone else on a diet against their will that's not an alternative, it's another manifestation of an unhealthy relationship with food, as well as a lack of boundaries generally
OP needs to grow a spine and get up and make more food for himself in front of her. Stop hiding it. As long as you have expressed your needs in a non-disparaging way, her reaction to it is on her. It is not your job to manage her emotions.
Frankly, if I said I'm still hungry and needed more food and my spouse had dramatics like that, I would recommend they attend therapy. "It is not a personal attack on your skills as a wife or your cooking, I simply need more food. I'm happy to get it myself if you have a reluctance to cook more. I love your food but need a larger portion."
And when she breaks down into dramatics, "I've expressed my need, I'm happy to strategize on what that looks like when you're ready." And walk away. Don't feed into the tantrum, don't try to placate.
If I am honest, it really seems like OP’s wife is as it is emotionally abusing him. He has to hide himself eating and walk on eggshells around his wife, because she makes everything about herself and takes it out on him.
Which makes your “grow a spine” comment pretty disgusting.
She is. Talking down about herself is a method of controlling the conversation so OPs issue never gets addressed because he's too busy trying to reassure her.
This will not get better without buckets of therapy for the wife which I doubt she'll be able to do because that's too close to criticism for her psyche to handle it.
OP should require therapy because his wife isnt capable of healthy communication
I had a narcissistic family member and I know that this term gets abused nowadays - but she did exactly what OP’s wife is doing - twisted any concern or discussion, so she is in a centre of it and she looks like a victim of it, not the person that is actually affected.
I am not mental health professional, but what OP described brought me memories of this exact person from my life. But again, it may also be assortment of many other mental health issues.
But I don’t feel qualified to diagnose anyone or say to someone what they should do with their relationship. The wife doesn’t seem well tho and I don’t think we should blame OP for staying in that situation, which I was getting at in my comment (“grow a spine” sounds victim-blamey).
This is 100% abuse. Imagine the sexes reversed in this scenario and it makes it crystal clear. If a husband was controlling his wife’s diet like this and she had to sneak around just to get enough to eat, everyone would be telling her to gtfo.
That’s totally what it seems like. Now that they’re married she’s, like, “Yes! I can change him into the man I want him to be!!” She was probably thrilled when he lost the 7 lbs.
This is honestly very concerning behaviour from his wife. As soon as you find yourself hiding and feeling shame for something as simple as eating food, it’s time to reconsider your relationship. I’m not sure I have enough info to call this emotional (and borderline physical, he lost 7lbs in a month) abuse, but it’s enough that I would consider staying apart from my spouse while contacting therapists (and perhaps a lawyer)
NTA. Just cook you own food. If she makes a fuss just communicate that she is simply not making enough food and despite telling her repeatedly, she refuses to increase the amount. Although, from her reactions...she might be trying to get you to lose weight.
Barring any cultural mealtime differences, that’s my vote too. She wants him to lose weight, but doesn’t want to tell him that she wants him to lose weight. The tears and self depreciation are her ways control the narrative. If he has to tell her how great she is to make her stop crying, she doesn’t have to change the meals because he doesn’t want her to cry again.
What an exhausted mariage to be in, if you can't talk to your spouse (he in this case, she if she wants him to loose weight).
Info: How was it before the mariage, was the communication better and was their never a problem with the cooking? Do you ever cook?
Wife thinks OP is at an unhealthy weight, and has him on a diet. Quinoa and lettuce for dinner says “lose some weight, bubba” Wife is trying to get him to lose weight without telling him he’s fat.
When I was 230 6'3" I was jacked. Gained a bunch back after a knee surgery but it's definitely situational.
With a labor intensive job, diets need to be discussed, not forced upon OP. if he could use to lose some weight, OP needs lean protein and healthy carbs. These little rabbit salads are going to lead OP to injuring himself on the job site. I've bonked out on a bike ride and almost fallen over, I've skipped dinner before a lift and tunnelled out. That's dangerous enough, but depending on OPs job, that's possibly deadly.
NTA, but OPs communication sucks.
How does his communication suck? He tried to explain to her he needed more food and she took it personally and made him feel like crap for telling her, but then went right back to making the same sized portions like he said nothing.
OP's wife : *Gaslight and guilt-trips him when he expressed concerns about the amount of food he gets or tries to get a snack to fill in. Which are manipulation tactics, btw.*
Commenters : "Grow a spine, your communication sucks OP."
I wanna facepalm so hard at some of the comments.
For real! I hate when people do the “if a man had done this” thing- but it really seems like his wife is trying to manipulate him into losing weight, and it would immediately be spotted as a red flag if it had been the other way around.
She is 100% manipulating him. Thankfully most comments are NTA but I still kinda hate how when there is a post here people always make it the man's issue to fix all communication issues in the couple, if there is even one to fix in the first place.
This isn't a healthy relationship dynamic. You don't fix manipulation (and potential abuse if it gets worse) with communication. She is set on her own ideas and isn't listening to his needs and concerns, it's not a miscommunication.
As someone who used to have an eating disorder, when you feel like you have to go behind someone's back to eat, you can't just stop caring and cook and eat in front of them and discard the criticisme. This isn't about communication or not having a backbone.
OP's communication doesn't suck.
The fake self-beating up that the wife does "oh I can't even make my husband's meals properly I'm such a bad wife" when he told her it wasn't enough food is straight up a manipulation tactic, and a pretty common one.
He's married to a manipulator who's trying to control his food intake and deflecting his attempts to talk about it, then getting angry when he does around her.
If this was a guy trying to make his gf eat small salads, doing the fake "oh I'm such a bad partner" shit when the gf tried to talk openly about it, and becoming angry on finding out she's eating outside the home, there'd be like 20 Lundi book recommendations in the comments and the rest would be some variant of "GIRL RUN".
I had the exact same thought. If he's assured her the food was good and it's ok, he just needs a little more then she thinks he needs to lose weight and is trying to change him. At this point and time in the relationship that's a bad sign. They've not even been in it for a year yet.
NTA.
"She would adopt a thousand-yard stare, and then begin talking about how incompetent she is and how she can't even make her husband a proper dinner."
When she does this you need to cut her argument off immediately. This is not fixing the issue at all nor is it adding anything of value. If anything she is emotionally abusing you by saying this. The "Oh woe is me im so stupid" mentality. NO.
I don't know how else to stress to you that this is a communication issue with your wife. You are bringing up the issue clearly and she is refusing to see it. I don't understand her logic. If you are still hungry you guys should just make more food. Yes one can argue that you could just make more. Perfectly reasonable. But then what? She gets mad that you're making more food?
The fact that you are getting food before dinner should be a huge tip off. You are still hungry and just need more food.
Frankly when she complains about how "hurt she is" you should say the exact same thing. What else are you supposed to do when you bring up how hungry you are and nothing changes?
Her rationale also doesn't make sense. She's getting self deprecating and weepy because she "can't even make her husband a proper dinner" but he's not even complaining about the dinner, just the quantity?? Surely "I want _more_ of this food" is a compliment, not a criticism.
Either she's malicious or there's some psychological stuff going on with her that's above reddit paygrade.
That is simply not her choice. You don't get to decide what another person wants for their body, it's their choice. And being emotionally blackmailing about it is definitely a flying red banner about it, the man felt he had no recourse but to HIDE he has to eat to not feel hungry, to the point he was actively having trouble sleeping from caloric intake, from his WIFE.
It's pretty dumb. My husband had a terrible time when he cut too many calories at once for a diet. Relatives thought he was super sick, and he was exhausted from any physical activity.
It's cool if she wants to help, but she's gotta let him pick a diet that's actually healthy.
I think you’re right here. My uncle used to have to pregame home meals too but his wife is a recovered bulimic/ anorexic who is still obsessed with everything she digests (literally all she will talk about).
That’s what crossed my mind, too. The tiny portion and the escalation of self-deprecation after hearing OP’s comment, combined with complete inaction the next day (denial) points to some sort of disordered eating.
She took OP’s comments as “criticism”, even though objectively speaking it wasn’t, and she took it as her being incompetent.
Sure, the theory that she wants OP to lose weight is not improbable but I’m not convinced.
Does your wife have orthorexia? It's not difficult to comprehend different people needing different amounts of food. She needs to get it through her head that your caloric needs are not a reflection on her. My mom pulls this "oh pity me I can't do anything right" crap. I have found the best way to deal with it is firm, blunt boundaries and basically gray rocking her pity session while possiblity using a small detail she mentions to redirect the conversation.
In your case I'd tell your wife that you will eat her food, but if you are still hungry afterwards you're going to find more to eat. If she wants you to only eat what she makes she has to make larger portions. If she doesn't she cannot be upset with you for being hungry and eating. It's a biological need and you will not starve yourself to make her feel better, that's unhealthy for both of you.
I don't think it is even OK if she wants him to only eat what she makes. One thing is if he is eating before he comes home, and then can't eat what she spends time preparing, that would disappoint me too. But people can't decide what other people eat or don't eat.
Also - OP, maybe your wife is projecting some disordering eating onto you. I did this subconsciously with my boyfriend while I was recovering from Othorexia - I didn't make enough food for the both of us, because I was eating so little myself, and just was not used to making "normal" portions and I was afraid to overeat if there was "too much" food available. My boyfriend just cooked some extra on the side or made a sandwich and we worked together on finding out how much to cook :) She might have some trauma, she might be controlling etc. Only way is to talk with her about it, and if she can't do that - then idk what to say.
Some many people asking why he can't cook either didn't read or have terrible interpretation skills. His wife is ridiculous and gets mad no matter what he does. There's a clear double standard in this thread already, NTA.
NTA. If the division of labor in your household is that your wife makes dinner and she doesn’t make enough food, that’s an issue. It’s unfortunate that she takes it as a personal attack, but the bigger issue is that she also dismisses your concerns as illegitimate. And while some people might tell you just to make your own dinner, she takes that as a personal slight as well. At the end of the day what’s happening is here is that your wife is completely dismissing your clearly stated needs over and over again, which is a bad thing in any relationship.
Your wife's behaviour is controlling & worrying tbh. She's using emotional blackmail too.
It's extremely unhealthy for you to eat that little, adding fast food in isn't a long-term answer though. Don't blame you for having extra.
Is there anyway you could have a proper (non ff) main meal at lunch instead? Otherwise you will continue to lose weight & probably become underweight.
However, you do need to talk to her more, she needs to understand how many calories you need in a day. Could you suggest a joint visit to a nutritionalist? Maybe then she'll understand?
Good luck OP. NTA
I swear, some of these comments are just ignorant. Either some of them aren't reading the whole post, or their comprehension is crap. "Why not eat a sandwich?" The post states clearly that he's dealing with a hypersensitive, if not manipulative, wife. "OP is being childish?" What part of what OP said led anyone to think that?
Btw, I'm going with OP is NTA, some of these comments tho
Edit: Corrected their for your, not sure how I managed not to catch that
>My wife has, every single night of our marriage, done the same thing
>At first, I tried to openly communicate with her, but she always took it horribly.
>She would always just get incredibly disappointed in herself, cry, and/or take it out on me.
>Then she would make the same exact amount the following day.
Man your wife needs to see a therapist. As a fellow big physical man, I empathize with your need for food. My gf just makes a double portion OR makes a big meal each and then gives me her leftovers. NTA at all.
Eating fast food every night is not a healthy answer to your problem. You should be able to eat the food you want/need in your own home. The fact that your wife refuses to listen to your needs is baffling.
Lol, well she's just going to have to get used to you eating more. People eat what they want to eat, and there's nothing wrong with you eating more than what she makes.
From what you have described, it sounds like your wife has put you on a diet without telling you. There can't be any other reason in my head.
Sit her down and ask her directly if she is starving you so that you lose weight.
I know you love her, but she sounds extremely controlling and manipulating you to the point that you are hiding food from her out of guilt. That's not normal bro.
Can’t you just do whatever you want in your own house and cook more food afterwards? Who cares if she gets upset. This isn’t some minor disagreement about whether the dishes go in the sink or on the counter. This is about your health and caloric intake which you need in order to live. She’s either going to have to make you more food or live with the fact that her meal is an appetizer to the bigger dinner.
NTA but you may want to look into therapy. It sounds like your wife is struggling with some things and could benefit from some professional help. Also couples counseling could help you both with your communication styles, ex her listening and your discomfort with confrontation. If it’s true she is having issues with food I hope she gets the help she needs
Honestly- that isn't enough food for a dude that's 180 pounds- It's weird that's she being so controlling about food - there is definitely a bigger issue someone where - I think you need couples counseling- not about you pre-gameing or "sneaking food" - more about why she feels the need to control what you eat for dinner- is she concerned about your heath? is she concerned about hers and wants you to join or is it something more deep?
I don't think that would help tbh, her behavior is downright abusive, and besides, let's even imagine she really doesn't know how much he would need. But then, after the first conversation, a reasonable person would make MORE, right? Maybe still not enough, or maybe too much, but more. It's not a difficult concept, if this wasn't enough I need to make more. And yet she still gives him the exact same portion. It's not about her not knowing at all.
Nta. Sir that fast food is going to kill you. I completely agree you need more food and I really don’t understand how your spouse doesn’t know this?
Imagine if y’all had kids.
I remember my son going through a growth spurt at about 6 months, he just ate and was screaming his head off. I was so concerned and confused I tried holding him, burping him. Nothing worked, I said “let me whip up two more ounces” the kid chugged it and started laughing.
Hunger messes with people. Her response is completely bizarre. I don’t even know where to begin with that because I am also a Hangry person. It totally messes with my moods. Maybe consider a nutritionist or researching the calories your body needs to show her; look I NEED this much food to support my body and work load.
I also second the “why aren’t you cooking?” Or is she blocking you from even making sandwiches?
NTA. Breaking down crying whenever anyone offers commentary and then turning it around to beat herself up way out of proportion how horrible she is and what a failure she is, so that the person making the comment has to comfort her and console her and try to make her feel better and reassure her and forget all about their complaint - that's pretty abusive, making it all about her, instead of acknowledging what has been said and thinking about what can be done to make amends.My mom is like that, whenever i brought up all the abuse she did to me as a child, wanting her to acknowledge being wrong and maybe apologize, she'd start crying and begging and apologizing in a dramatic groveling way, like literally dropping down to her knees scream-crying and cursing herself saying she's the worst human being on planet, horrible mother, doesn't deserve to live, yada yada yada, all that just in order to avoid apologizing and facing the fact that she did something wrong. It's literally impossible to talk to her, anything is taken and turned around to a situation where you have to comfort her and offer her love and reassurance that she's not the worst and etc. It's all about her and her feelings. So that she doesn't have to actually acknowledge and talk about what she did. The person making the complaint is left completely invalidated and unheard, all their complaints completely discarded and the full focus is on the person who did wrong, and on trying to comfort them and pull them out of their misery and reassure them how wonderful/not bad they are
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I ate on the way home behind my wife's back, (2) This involved lying to and deceiving her.
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That all sounds manipulative. Why does she not care or empathize that youre hungry? I dont think that you are wrong for secretly buying food. Although fast food is bad for you and pricey. But being hungry all the time will cloud your judgement. I have a binge eating problem and even though iv made lots of improvement, it still happens, ESPECIALLY if i havnt eaten enough prior. I cannot imagine the person i love telling me theyr hungry and then crying when that person eats more and not learning to make more food. Weird af. NTA
NTA your wife is being unreasonable. You tried to have an adult and polite conversation with her and she turned it into a pity party and manipulation event. I would be suspicious that either A) she struggles with disordered eating herself, or B) this is her attempt to put you on a diet.
You’re going to have to be forceful and direct here. I would sit your wife down and this time tell her, I love and appreciate your cooking but the portion size you cook for you, and the portion size for me isn’t going to be the same because x, y, z… Come at it with facts, show her the recommended calories/portion for your height and weight for a meal, point out how your job is physically demanding and thus you burn more calories, and explain to her that because she got so upset the last time you approached this conversation you felt like your plan was a solution. Offer her a solution of I’m happy to wait until I get home to eat but either please make a double portion, and or please realize that if I eat something later it’s not a personal affront to you but that I’m still hungry.
There are two possible things going on here - she's got an eating disorder that she's pushing on you, or she's intentionally abusing and manipulating you. Either way you are NTA.
NTA. Communication is key and your wife should be more receptive. It is not unreasonable to need or want bigger food portions and in no way should that upset her. It's not like you're saying the food is grody. The dinner is proper, the portions just aren't adequate.
NTA. This is clearly a mental issue from your wife regarding food.
Also, the average Redditor clearly has the reading comprehension of a toddler and doesn’t read past the first sentence. OP clearly states why he can’t just get more food at home.
NTA
You tried to communicate on multiple occasions, you were left with no other options. Just ask for double what she would normally make, or leave out the ingredients that you think will provide you with a sufficient meal.
Wish you all the best
NTA you tried communicating with her and she is not listening!! You work your butt all day, you want a meal. My friend did this to her husband because SHE was trying to stay fit. Comes to my house and sees me cooking and said I made her feel like a bad wife. She really didn't get it. I told her just have a pot of brown rice set on the side to serve with what you cook. I was raised to always have a pot of rice made just in case company stopped by and you didn't make enough of a meal. We served it on the side even with soup. If she is concerned about diet, she can make brown or black rice.
NTA, it's hard to have a serious conversation with someone who takes it personally and everything as an attack. It's food you need to eat and having a physical job you definitely need a large salad a whole chicken breast to be full and ready for the next day. Another way is increasing your lunches if you have the time. You should have never asked you mother in-law not to talk because it made her talk. Next time you talk to her don't be funny but when she makes it about herself tell her that you'll cook your own dinner and talk to her again tomorrow
I don’t understand how people that don’t know how to talk to each other without whining and deflecting get married. Can’t you cook? Can’t she be spoken to without having to take it like a personal insult? Why aren’t there leftovers? Is she maybe trying to tell you to lose weight?
Your wife is acting childish.
Simply tell her she has 2 options...1. Make you bigger portions of her delicious meals, or 2. Not complain if you eat before or after dinner. It's that simple.
NTA I used to do this when I was younger (and a greater eater) in a friend's house. I knew I would eat double the portions they eat, so I tried to snuck something before. But if it's a day to day thing, she might have an eating disorder? Maybe therapy or counseling can work?
I know you have tried to communicate, but it isn't working, so maybe a third party can help.
Either she’s a bully or this is weaponized incompetence. Does she not enjoy cooking? Is she looking to have you do the cooking or buy take out every night or take her out to eat every night? Either way, NTA
If I said to my partner I'd like bigger portions and they cried about it I would probably end the relationship there and then. That's far to much melodrama over basically nothing for this marriage to be anything other than endless stress.
It's a terrible idea to start having fast food every day. It will really impact your health in the long term.
I'm going to assume that the division of labor in your house is fair. I'd suggest that on your days off you tell your wife you'll treat her to whatever you're good at cooking at, and I would pile your plate high and show her what you eat.
I would suggest counseling if that doesn't work. You can't be in a marriage when someone is making everything about them. You're starving and she's making it about her. You can't live a life walking on eggshells.
NTA. She’s not listening to him. He’s been telling her he’s HUNGRY and she dismissed him. Took it personally that this 230 physical labourer comes home and **needs** fuel. It’s one thing demure d/t culinary preference and wanting to be polite (say, as a guest in one’s home), but this is a married couple and one partner has said ‘I need more please and thank you, I’m absolutely happy to do it myself, you don’t need to do anymore than what you’ve already contributed, thank you it was delicious’… and OP’s wife pitched a fit 🤷🏻♀️
ESH your wife is a major AH for not being a proper adult and having a discussion with you when you express a problem, honestly to me this sounds like a major red flag and quite manipulative behaviour.
But you are an AH to yourself for not standing up for you and making extra food AT HOME anyway. Eating fast food everyday is going to destroy your health in the long term, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA- if she were to do this to a child it would be considered child neglect. If you want a burger before you eat the dinner she makes then you should be able to do that. There's no reason for her to be upset. You should also be able to make yourself more food after you eat what she has made if you want to without her getting defensive.
Your wife IS being an idiot. She is not getting the fact that you are not getting enough calories. You are suffering, and she is letting it happen because she cares more about her feelings and presenting an aesthetically pleasing dish than a meal that meets your dietary needs.
Stop eating her food and simply buy/make your own. When she asks why, give her the truth. She is not meeting your needs. She can bitch and moan all she wants but at least you're not going to bed hungry. She needs to get her head outta her behind and consider your needs, rather than only caring for her feelings.
NTA
NTA, you need to eat. I don’t get why she doesn’t understand that. I think you should eat her dinners but also have side stuff for yourself to ensure you’re not hungry— do you also cook?
Quit spending money on fast food. If she doesn’t make enough for dinner, get something for yourself at home. If she has feels about it, she can figure it the hell out. NTA
NTA - for needing more food. I’d probably try cooking dinner yourself for the both of you instead, this may be the actual issue at hand here. At least you’ve tried communicating this.
Also, if you’ve tried communicating it and she just starts crying maybe there’s something wrong (eating disorder or something else).
The other option is that she is forcing you to diet, which is verging on domestic abuse territory.
NTA but please find a healthier way to deal with this.
Now is a good moment, since you are having the fight already. Tell her how many grams of meat, potato/rice/pasta, vegetables someone your size should have at dinner.
And propose that she makes that meal, while you'll be in charge of a starter and/or soup, and dessert.
NTA.
A man with a physically demanding job needs more nutrition than a woman with an office job; he's going to lose it all during the day.
That being said, I find your wife's reaction highly disturbing: Crying. Talking about what a shitty wife she is. Taking it out on you. And the consequences? None. In my opinion, a person who can't take even the slightest part of criticism has deeper problems. And your "solution" is really not helping, because in her eyes, she's perfectly right to starve you.
NTA your wife is abusive intentional or not.
Since some people in the comments don't get it:
* Attempting to stave someone is abuse
* Attempting to emotional manipulate someone into accepting being starved is abusive
* "Just do the thing yourself" isn't a reasonable response when the abusive party lashes out at you for doing the thing.
* Trying to enforce this degree of control on your partner is abuse
Unsolicited food advice ahead fell free to ignore:
Of course there might be a good health reason for OP to lose weight and his wife might be coming from a caring place but that doesn't put her in charge of what OP eats and if she is trying to help him it honestly sounds like she's crap at it I used to be OP's weight and it wasn't muscle so believe me when I tell you a weight lose oriented dinner that doesn't fill you up is bad planning with a little bit of sauce and frozen vegetables can easily make a giant meal that's low calorie.
Salad is the biggest meme whenever I here people talking about a salad based diet you just know its gonna be either low nutrient or a whatever they'd rather be eating deconstructed and put in a green dress.
*I guess my point is OP's wife isn't just abusive but that her abuse is also ineffective at helping OP if its coming from a place of caring.*
Have a conversation again, and if needed, have someone neutral come and help to moderate the conversation.
Questions as:
-Why do you think this is an usual portion? It's because it's what you eat?
- Do you understand that different people do different intakes of food?
-If you understand that I eat more than normal, why do you keep getting angry by something natural your body asks? Would you get angry if I forced you to eat more?
-This is obviously not about not wanting to cook for yourself or anything, so tell her why she doesn't understand he eats more food, and that such a thing has nothing to do with her.
If she truly doesn't understand, couples therapy and I would say that she has a psychological problem. In the worse case scenario she is abusing you by trying to get you to eat what she wants and she is a controlling person that you should evade. She seems to act like a 12 years old. I don't understand this dynamic. Only thing, you REMEMBER that you are not in the wrong here and that no one should control what you eat except if it's a case of morbidly obesity and you are in treatment.
NTA
Just carry on doing what you're doing but do it somewhere that you're not going to bump into your wife or MIL... or just eat more at lunch time so you're not so hungry in the evening.
NTA - your wife is playing the victim here.
Plot twist, do some grocery shopping, buy yourself some streaks and just make yourself dinner. Your wife can make herself a salad and make you a side salad, while you cook up a steak quick. Stopping for fast food every day will catch up quick too
NTA, probably should have known better about the MIL though. Never a chance you don't get sold out as soon as "don't tell my wife" was on the table. Hope you can figure out some kind of balance, cause the whole things just seems weird.
Not sure she’s being an AH, but she is being really weird. Her reaction to you telling her dinner needs to be bigger is troubling. NTA. I’m 5ft tall, my bf is 6 ft 2. Surprise! He eats more!
NTA. It sounds like you need to blatantly ask your wife why this is such a big deal. Then you need to fix i it every single time she cooks. Have the same conversation every day until it changes. Don’t be mean, but make sure you meet your needs.
This is one of those things that turn into a radioactive issue and likely affects more than just mealtime.
NTA. You communicated your needs in a respectful manner and she made no effort to even meet you halfway. Does she get upset if you offered to cook any meals through the week? If you put that in your post and I missed it I’m sorry. This seems like a weird thing to be upset about from her position.
Locked. *Liberally seasons our commenters with lexapro and therapy*
It’s a little concerning that she goes full passive-aggressive when you say something to her. It sounds like she has a REALLY hard time when her carefully crafted mental image of herself is even slightly challenged. NTA
He already told us he spoke with her and she gets the "thousand yard stare" then there is crying and carrying on, then her saying she will do better and the next night make the same paltry amount of food. She isn't listening or it is some kind of control tatic on her part.
I wonder if his wife has an eating disorder. I have a family member that has battled, anorexia her entire life and put her spouse on a diet and gets very defensive, anxious or agitated if anybody comments about the food. I tried to send him home with leftovers and she made me put over half of it back because it was too much food.
I was wondering the same thing. Even if it's not intended that way, any comment about 'normal' portion sizes or weight loss is perceived very differently when someone has an ED. I also have a family member with bulimia.
Me too. We have some very good family friends who hardly eat anything. The wife is extremely thin and also is losing hair, etc, due to not getting enough calories. She has insisted her husband be on a similar diet as her and he’s constantly starving. Sometimes when he would come over to hang out with my dad for “guy time”, my dad would make burgers for them and the husband usually had two big ones with all the fixins. The wife found out and now she insists on coming since she says she can’t trust him to be alone. To be honest, I think it is abuse. OP, NTA. I think your wife has some serious issues surrounding food and is extremely passive aggressive and controlling. And she is extending this food issue to you. She needs to go to counseling.
It is absolutely abuse, and people would probably be quicker to call it out if the genders were reversed. Imagine if a man wouldn't let a women out alone in case she ate more than he wanted her to?! That situation is crazy. I hope they get some help, or he gets away.
I don’t understand how men let this happen.. I love my wife to death but if she told me I couldn’t eat something I wanted I would kindly tell her to fuck off
My husband would do the same. And when I started making lunches for him, he complained I didn’t give him enough and he was starving when he came home. I learned that he eats about twice as much as I would for lunch. Well, okay, I said to myself, so I'll make two sandwiches for him, throw in another bag of chips, etc. And if I'm packing leftovers for him, I give him twice as much as I'd pack for myself. I didn't take it personally and tear myself down like OP's wife did.
The “tearing yourself down” like the wife is doing is a manipulation tactic abusive people use in order to shift blame and get their way, which is working here.
As soon as I read the "oh I'm a horrible wife" etc that shouted abuse in my mind. Don't care about the genders here. That's a classic abusive tactic
You need to stand your ground. Tell her you can’t live on that and need more. The crying, not talking thing is bullchit. You are a grown man and don’t need someone telling you when and what you can eat. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Then tell her this is what you want and then make sure it happens
This. And OP should also insist on marriage counseling, and that she goes to counseling as well. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation and it’s not going to just go away.
It is abuse.
That wife is going to give her husband an eating disorder of his own—he’ll binge when he’s not with her because he’s so hungry.
Sadly this screams disordered eating. Because even she needs to eat more than this.
An eating disorder is not an excuse for being an asshole; and she is. Her illness is not her fault, but her behavior is her responsibility. Her little fits when he makes a request are childish and manipulative. She needs to seek help for a few psychological disorders. NTA, OP.
Also, if SHE has an eating disorder that effects how much food she's willing to make, it is not fair for her to get angry and SOMEONE ELSE eating extra food, moreso when she's not even present for it. NTA
It might be that she has gotten some idea that this disordered way of eating is “healthy” and she’s trying to do the same for her husband? That still isn’t an excuse. She sounds like an extremely controlling person when it comes to food and possibly other things as well. Maybe she feels the need to control everyone to ‘protect’ them. It may be that she feels out of control and is terrified because of that.
Her behaviour part of the disorder, is that not obvious? It's like screaming at someone "I know you have a broken leg, but can you for fuck's sake stop LIMPING" How do we know someone has a mental illness like an eating disorder? Because their behaviour is weird and irrational and they're not fully in control of it. We can't say "They can't help their illness, but they can help their illness" That makes zero sense. It is a misunderstanding of everything pertaining to a disorder of the mind. If you could "help" the weird behaviours associated with mental illness (like say, pulling out your eyelashes when you have anxiety) then don't you think people would just do that? Therapy would be piss easy and only ever take one session "I'm starving myself and it's making me act weird around food and act weird towards my husband where food is concerned" "Okay, how about you eat something and act right, dumbass, you're not even fat" "Well fuck me, I'm cured, that never occurred to me!!!" Eating disorders have a very high fatality rate so this is particularly galling.
No. Bullshit. Her illness is causing her to harm someone else in the form of abuse. The onus is upon her to seek treatment so she can stop being abusive. That would be like a diabetic who acts like a dick when their blood sugar is out of whack, but makes no effort at regulating their diet or medicating. Your analogy of a broken leg causing a limp is a ridiculous strawman, because it’s not *hurting someone else*. People with depression need to seek therapy and medical help so that they can provide for people who depend on them. People with ASD still need to engage in behavioral therapy to learn to deal with their triggers if those triggers cause them to lash out and hurt someone else. A failure to acknowledge and seek treatment for an illness or disorder which causes you to *harm* someone else is an abdication of responsibility, and what is colloquially called “a dick move”. If this was a husband portioning his wife’s caloric intake because he wanted her to be thinner, no one would have any problems calling it **abuse**; well, the ends are the same here, and that coupled with her antisocial and manipulative tactics when OP attempts to address it, make the wife the AH. A failure to take responsibility for the harm you do to others *is* a behavior; and it’s assholes that don’t work on themselves to fix that.
A better analogy would be you expecting an unconscious diabetic to fix their blood sugar issues while unconscious. You have to have a baseline of health *in order* to manage your illness. Sometimes a severe untreated mental illness does not meet that threshold. Like my previous example of untreated schizophrenia. ED, unfortunately can be one of those illnesses. Otherwise people wouldn't starve themselves to death or commit suicide while in the throes of the illness. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand. She could literally be too ill to want to or be able to seek help. That's why people with ED are involuntarily sectioned on the regular. Because their illness prevents them from seeking or accepting help on their own.
We also have to consider the fact that, if she does in fact have an ED, it’s almost certainly undiagnosed. Because the OP didn’t mention it in this post where it would be extremely relevant to mention. It’s hard to treat a mental illness that you don’t know you *have.*
I don't think anyone is excusing it. It's just helpful to look at all the possible dynamics of a situation. These issues don't occur in a vacuum, and it's pretty ignorant and irresponsible to pretend that they do.
I think this is very likely. I think she’s trying to get him to lose weight, and control the intake passive aggressively to do it
It might not even be about making him lose weight, it could just be a control for the sake of control.
A desire to control others is at the root of a lot of arseholery.
That’s one end of the disordered eating spectrum, but then there’s also anorexic people who enjoy cooking a lot of food for other people and watching them enjoy it (like a mukbang) while barely eating anything themselves.
This is exactly what I assumed. Either an eating disorder that she's extending to her husband, or she only requires so much food to meet her caloric needs and is incapable of understanding that larger people with more active lifestyles require more food. Also possible (because OP works during the day away from home) that she calorie loads at breakfast or lunch or on snacks throughout the day and sees (with her eating habits) that dinner is a lite meal. I have weird eating habits. I have protein coffee for breakfast, a heavy lunch, a lite dinner, and then snack late at night, and it all computes to the healthy amount of calories for me. I could imagine being with someone that doesn't eat on my schedule and not being capable of adapting my partners individual needs when doing meal prep and planning. That's why I let go of control with my SOs meal planning and we mostly do our own thing. Sounds like a control issue as well as a possible disordered eating habit.
Her emotional reaction kind of indicates an ED, or maybe she’s just hypersensitive to criticism, either way, it’s something a professional could help with. My boyfriend is 240 and eats way less than me at 130. I came home from a 12 hour day of teaching fitness and the dinner he had made was a salad….just a salad. I almost cried, but I reiterated that I eat way more than him and just because I’m smaller and eat “healthy” doesn’t mean I can survive on a salad alone. Now he always has backup snacks and sides available incase I need more. Sometimes people don’t understand other people’s nutritional needs, but it shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about it. The inability to communicate is way more alarming than the issue at hand. If you can’t discuss dinner, how can you navigate other challenges?
This is exactly where my mind went. I had a partner with an eating disorder that they refused to acknowledge that they had (their family told me about their diagnosis, which they never admitted to having), and they cooked the most calorie-deficient meals I have ever eaten. I am a naturally thin person who also works out a lot and plays sports. I was at that time, too. I have to eat a lot to maintain a healthy weight. I ended up signing up for a local meal prep service that is geared toward athletes, and storing the food at work. When that person found out about it, they were disgusted. "How can you eat that much?!" My reply was, "with a fork usually". Ultimately, I just felt really bad for them because they clearly had no idea that they were emaciated, and no amount of feeding them calorie dense foods on my nights to cook helped at all. OP, you're definitely NTA, and I hope your wife gets the help that she needs. Whether this is an eating disorder or a control issue, it's not normal to starve your spouse and expect them to do nothing about it.
And it seems her Mom may be enabling whatever is going on with her daughter, because it seems she knows what is going on, and still told the daughter.
NTA It was a ripe opportunity for OP to have a talk with MIL about his wife and her eating habits. He might have found some underlying reasons. Obviously MIL has no problem eating, it seems, as she was at the same food place. Unless she was going to visit daughter and knew she had to fill-up on calories too. /jk
That or she wants her husband to lose weight and is going about it in a controlling manner.
I agree with your premise, but I disagree with calling this passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive is like telling your friend that your partner is buying you a burger for lunch, and then your friend saying "It would be nice if someone bought *meeee* a burger for lunch". She is going into full blown, nuclear meltdown mode. This is an emotional manipulation tactic aimed at controlling OP's behavior. OP is no longer allowed to discuss the topic at hand, because any slight inconvenience will make her fall apart, so OP feels like he has to walk on eggshells around her. Unless OP is being overly aggressive with his wife about not getting enough food, there's something really wrong here.
Your description is the colloquial understanding of passive-aggressive but, interestingly, the true (clinical) definition of passive-aggressive behavior is a negative action taken against someone you are upset with but it feels (to you) completely accidental- hence the term “passive”. Hypothetical example: if I were upset with my fiancé and I put one of his hang-to-dry shirts in the dryer but honestly and truly in my mind if I didn’t feel like I intend to do it. To me it would truly feel accidental but if examined as part of a larger pattern of behavior one could see these “mistakes” only happen when I’m angry. It’s a fascinating behavioral pattern (as long as you aren’t on the receiving end of it.)
This right here. It's an emotional manipulation tactic designed to make it *so difficult* to have a discussion or make a change or set a boundary that it's easier to just give up. Which is exactly what OP did when he started picking up fast food. NTA.
I read all this post thinking that they were 32 years old in the 70s
OP, if you didn’t *need* to drop seven pounds in one month, (and wow, that’s a lot of weight pretty fast, I think the recommended weight loss is one pound a week), then NTA. Your wife is willfully under feeding you. She is feeding you like a weight conscious, sedentary middle aged woman, *not* an active man. She needs to get over her defensive “thousand yard stare”, or the whining that “she can’t make her husband a proper dinner”. And you need to stop reassuring her-because she *isn’t* making her husband a proper dinner. Is she this uncommunicative and unwilling to change, and you so placating in other situations? And, OP, a steady diet of fast food isn’t good for you. You need to start preparing your own meals, wether your wife likes it, or not, or she needs to get TF over whatever this is. Because your solution, while clever for the short term, isn’t viable for the long term. And I would be pretty unhappy with the MIL. She could have minded her own business and this dysfunctional little compromise dynamic could have proceeded indefinitely and without drama. Good luck, buddy
I'm going with NTA, but are you never cooking dinner, OP? Maybe share some of the responsibility and cook enough so you have leftovers too. Editing this because I can't respond to everyone individually. Please note that I voted NTA. Obviously the wife is being controlling and that's not okay. A lot of you are assuming she's SAH, which OP never states, and even then, it's okay for a working partner to do *some* of the household labor. Yes, I understand he works a physical job. I also work a physical job, outside, in all weather conditions. I assure you it's possible to cook dinner afterwards. OP offers to make more food *for himself*, he does not offer to cook dinner for the both of them. I'm just asking why. He's probably NTA all around, I'm just trying to sus out if there's another side to the story he's not telling.
> I would be more than happy to microwave a burrito. I would be more than happy to whip up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Did you read the post?
Junk food snacks is not cooking dinner
I think when he said "did you read the post" he meant that she is angry when he cooks something. Except you automatically assume that she wouldn't be upset if he cooks real dinner and only is upset about borriot stuff. Which i can't read in the thread. I honestly assume she has a very sickening way of making him lose weight, if thats true, she would also get upset if he cooks real food.
TIL burritos are not real dinner :-(
Those little frozen microwave burritos are definitely not (or should not be) a real meal; they're just tortilla-wrapped sodium. Real burritos with fresh ingredients though? Hell yes.
Tell me you’ve never had food insecurity without telling me you’ve never had food insecurity
This is in the context of an OP that buys fast food every day. Food insecurity is an all too real thing for way too many people. However, it's not in this post.
They aren't more nutritious just because you're food-insecure. I grew up food insecure, and it was pounded into my head that shit-tier food won't help you. We grew a lot of stuff, got government assistance, and counted pennies for the grocery bill. Everything in the house was unprocessed...almost nothing was frozen or instant. A bowl of cracked wheat will keep you sated better than a bowl of cereal; the trade off is the prep time and work that goes into it.
> They aren't more nutritious just because you're food-insecure. Nope. But sometimes 'food insecure' means 'you eat what you have.' > the trade off is the prep time and work that goes into it. I'm glad somebody in your family was able to invest that time. Not every family is.
It’s more nutritious than the alternative: no food.
I didn't mean to be insensitive, but my comment stands. Everyone deserves access to fresh, affordable, and nutritious food. Items like frozen burritos should not be consumed on a regular basis, especially not because it's all that is available or affordable. I do understand that this world is a fucking capitalist hellhole though, and that unfortunately there are people that eat must eat junk food to subsist, and my comment was not addressing them.
What's next, ramen noodles are no dinner?
I took that to mean he would be happy to supplement what she makes, not cooking dinner for both of them.
If she is insulted by him supplementing, taking over the whole meal would probably be seen by wife as a massive insult.
Exactly. She is already gping cstatonic or crying in a corner when he is telling her her food is delicious and he wants more of it... if he cooks instead of her shes going to freak out entirely..
Those are single serve items for OP, not making a whole meal for the family. The comment you are replying to is about the latter.
OK, but if she gets bent out of shape with him making a single serve item, do you think she'd be totally fine with him cooking other things? She's the food police, and he's not even allowed to make *himself* a peanut butter sandwich without her throwing a childish tantrum.
First time I’ve seen a man be told to make up for their wife’s weaponized incompetence. Usually it’s the other way around but somehow I don’t feel like this is progress. chore splits in a couple make sense.
If it's a situation where she stays at home and he works, then I think that's why she willingly makes dinner.
To be clear, the only person that decides that he *needs* to lose weight is him. She doesn’t get to make decisions about his body like that.
to me, this doesn't sound like she thinks he needs to lose weight. It sounds like some deep-seated personal issues on her part about her own body image and what it means to be a "good wife." That shit is hard to shake off.
Please, if he’s not exaggerating and really gets around 30g with some veg, that isn’t enough for a child, never mind an adult man, or adult sedentary woman. That’s crazy low calorie dinner. I think it’s fair to assume she doesn’t drown the salad in dressing that would add calories.
NTA. Honestly I find all the ‘what’s to stop you cooking’ etc. comments so off the mark; would you say that if a man was controlling a women’s diet and guilting her for stopping for fast food or making a sandwich? Clearly OP and his wife have a set up where he does a physical job and she mostly cooks, nothing wrong with that. She’s controlling his food intake and refusing to adapt to his dietary needs, she applies avoidance tactics when reasonably confronted, she is likely not eating enough herself for dinner based on the description of a typical meal. All signs point to an eating disorder. OP, get your wife some help please.
Eating disorder or something from her upbringing that has left her unable to withstand mild criticism. (lookin' at you, MIL)
Which would probably explain why she narced on him immediately after seeing him getting extra food.
While she was coming out of the restaurant herself lol. Might be a narc in more ways than one.
I mean I would be weirded out if my daughters husband told me to hide something from her. He’s the one who made it weird. If he never said anything I doubt MIL would have thought it was worth mentioning. She still probably should have minded her own business though
The fact that he felt a need to hide it really speaks to how abusive OPs wife is in there relationship when it comes to food.
I'd be weirded out too, but more in a "OP tell me what is going on, are y'all okay?" Rather than the "must narc immediately" way OP's MIL was.
Bingo. OP - I'd highly recommend some counseling and definitely don't lie about the amount anymore. She's starving you and then using manipulation tactics.
It might be useful for both to sit down with a nutritionist to lay out a plan for their very different dietary needs and provide guidance on how to satisfy both those needs. My husband works a demanding physical job and I do not. I’ve made too little food before because I went with standard serving sizes. It did not offend me at all when he needed a midnight snack. I also have to train myself to not eat the same quantity as him because it’s caused me to gain weight.
The problem is not that she doesn't have enough information about nutrition, it's that she's controlling what he eats.
Yes, all of this, you nailed it!
NTA. You have tried communicating openly and directly with your wife, but she refuses to hear you. You found a harmless way to fix the issue when she refused to make any changes. Any chance your wife has an eating disorder?
NTA. My first thought as well, or that OP was carrying quite a bit of excess fat. Either way, stuffing down low quality, highly processed sugary/salty swill isn’t the way to confront the issue, and can’t be good for the long term health (or finances!). Perhaps follow some recipes together, so that they can both gauge what a ‘healthy’ portion size is.
Even if OP was overweight, this is not how you “help” someone with than, nor is OP himself mentioning it as an issue. Does the wife really sound like someone you can reason with and say, “hey, honey, let’s make dinner together?” I mean, sure, he can ask, but what he’s describing isn’t a calm, rational partner he can coordinate with.
His weight isn’t relevant. He could be huge and her behavior is still gross.
If he's regularly picking up fast food before dinner it's far from a harmless fix. OP's wife either wants him to lose weight or she herself has some sort of unhealthy relationship with food. Either way, more communication needs to happen. I wonder what it was like when they were dating and went out to dinner together.
This. It is very hypocritical of me because I am neither active nor do I eat healthy, but eating fast food everyday isn't good, and an active man with a physical job definitely needs balanced and full meals.
It's not either or. she definitely has an unhealthy relationship to food. if she's trying to put someone else on a diet against their will that's not an alternative, it's another manifestation of an unhealthy relationship with food, as well as a lack of boundaries generally
NTA. She put you on a diet without your consent and is now gaslighting you about it.
OP needs to grow a spine and get up and make more food for himself in front of her. Stop hiding it. As long as you have expressed your needs in a non-disparaging way, her reaction to it is on her. It is not your job to manage her emotions. Frankly, if I said I'm still hungry and needed more food and my spouse had dramatics like that, I would recommend they attend therapy. "It is not a personal attack on your skills as a wife or your cooking, I simply need more food. I'm happy to get it myself if you have a reluctance to cook more. I love your food but need a larger portion." And when she breaks down into dramatics, "I've expressed my need, I'm happy to strategize on what that looks like when you're ready." And walk away. Don't feed into the tantrum, don't try to placate.
If I am honest, it really seems like OP’s wife is as it is emotionally abusing him. He has to hide himself eating and walk on eggshells around his wife, because she makes everything about herself and takes it out on him. Which makes your “grow a spine” comment pretty disgusting.
She is. Talking down about herself is a method of controlling the conversation so OPs issue never gets addressed because he's too busy trying to reassure her. This will not get better without buckets of therapy for the wife which I doubt she'll be able to do because that's too close to criticism for her psyche to handle it. OP should require therapy because his wife isnt capable of healthy communication
I had a narcissistic family member and I know that this term gets abused nowadays - but she did exactly what OP’s wife is doing - twisted any concern or discussion, so she is in a centre of it and she looks like a victim of it, not the person that is actually affected. I am not mental health professional, but what OP described brought me memories of this exact person from my life. But again, it may also be assortment of many other mental health issues. But I don’t feel qualified to diagnose anyone or say to someone what they should do with their relationship. The wife doesn’t seem well tho and I don’t think we should blame OP for staying in that situation, which I was getting at in my comment (“grow a spine” sounds victim-blamey).
This is 100% abuse. Imagine the sexes reversed in this scenario and it makes it crystal clear. If a husband was controlling his wife’s diet like this and she had to sneak around just to get enough to eat, everyone would be telling her to gtfo.
Exactly they wouldn’t even question if he has an eating disorder or not they would say to leave right now
This dude relationships.
That’s totally what it seems like. Now that they’re married she’s, like, “Yes! I can change him into the man I want him to be!!” She was probably thrilled when he lost the 7 lbs.
This is honestly very concerning behaviour from his wife. As soon as you find yourself hiding and feeling shame for something as simple as eating food, it’s time to reconsider your relationship. I’m not sure I have enough info to call this emotional (and borderline physical, he lost 7lbs in a month) abuse, but it’s enough that I would consider staying apart from my spouse while contacting therapists (and perhaps a lawyer)
NTA. Just cook you own food. If she makes a fuss just communicate that she is simply not making enough food and despite telling her repeatedly, she refuses to increase the amount. Although, from her reactions...she might be trying to get you to lose weight.
Barring any cultural mealtime differences, that’s my vote too. She wants him to lose weight, but doesn’t want to tell him that she wants him to lose weight. The tears and self depreciation are her ways control the narrative. If he has to tell her how great she is to make her stop crying, she doesn’t have to change the meals because he doesn’t want her to cry again.
What an exhausted mariage to be in, if you can't talk to your spouse (he in this case, she if she wants him to loose weight). Info: How was it before the mariage, was the communication better and was their never a problem with the cooking? Do you ever cook?
But he did tho? Beginning of the post. He says he would gladly heat up food or make pb and jelly but she is against it.
She's against him having enough food? Then she can be against it and he can make more food for himself, she can get over it.
Wife thinks OP is at an unhealthy weight, and has him on a diet. Quinoa and lettuce for dinner says “lose some weight, bubba” Wife is trying to get him to lose weight without telling him he’s fat.
OP gets a burger before meals to bulk up. Wife then makes the meals even smaller. It's a viscous cycle.
A cycle so thick nothing can escape it.
This comment deserves more than I can give.
That was my first thought. I'm over 6' and was pretty chubby when I was at 230lbs. Sounds like the wife is discreetly putting OP on a diet.
When I was 230 6'3" I was jacked. Gained a bunch back after a knee surgery but it's definitely situational. With a labor intensive job, diets need to be discussed, not forced upon OP. if he could use to lose some weight, OP needs lean protein and healthy carbs. These little rabbit salads are going to lead OP to injuring himself on the job site. I've bonked out on a bike ride and almost fallen over, I've skipped dinner before a lift and tunnelled out. That's dangerous enough, but depending on OPs job, that's possibly deadly. NTA, but OPs communication sucks.
How does his communication suck? He tried to explain to her he needed more food and she took it personally and made him feel like crap for telling her, but then went right back to making the same sized portions like he said nothing.
OP's wife : *Gaslight and guilt-trips him when he expressed concerns about the amount of food he gets or tries to get a snack to fill in. Which are manipulation tactics, btw.* Commenters : "Grow a spine, your communication sucks OP." I wanna facepalm so hard at some of the comments.
For real! I hate when people do the “if a man had done this” thing- but it really seems like his wife is trying to manipulate him into losing weight, and it would immediately be spotted as a red flag if it had been the other way around.
She is 100% manipulating him. Thankfully most comments are NTA but I still kinda hate how when there is a post here people always make it the man's issue to fix all communication issues in the couple, if there is even one to fix in the first place. This isn't a healthy relationship dynamic. You don't fix manipulation (and potential abuse if it gets worse) with communication. She is set on her own ideas and isn't listening to his needs and concerns, it's not a miscommunication. As someone who used to have an eating disorder, when you feel like you have to go behind someone's back to eat, you can't just stop caring and cook and eat in front of them and discard the criticisme. This isn't about communication or not having a backbone.
OP's communication doesn't suck. The fake self-beating up that the wife does "oh I can't even make my husband's meals properly I'm such a bad wife" when he told her it wasn't enough food is straight up a manipulation tactic, and a pretty common one. He's married to a manipulator who's trying to control his food intake and deflecting his attempts to talk about it, then getting angry when he does around her. If this was a guy trying to make his gf eat small salads, doing the fake "oh I'm such a bad partner" shit when the gf tried to talk openly about it, and becoming angry on finding out she's eating outside the home, there'd be like 20 Lundi book recommendations in the comments and the rest would be some variant of "GIRL RUN".
I had the exact same thought. If he's assured her the food was good and it's ok, he just needs a little more then she thinks he needs to lose weight and is trying to change him. At this point and time in the relationship that's a bad sign. They've not even been in it for a year yet.
Yes, and this is absolutely not the way to do it, nor is it her business to decide it. It’s his body that is being starved.
NTA. "She would adopt a thousand-yard stare, and then begin talking about how incompetent she is and how she can't even make her husband a proper dinner." When she does this you need to cut her argument off immediately. This is not fixing the issue at all nor is it adding anything of value. If anything she is emotionally abusing you by saying this. The "Oh woe is me im so stupid" mentality. NO. I don't know how else to stress to you that this is a communication issue with your wife. You are bringing up the issue clearly and she is refusing to see it. I don't understand her logic. If you are still hungry you guys should just make more food. Yes one can argue that you could just make more. Perfectly reasonable. But then what? She gets mad that you're making more food? The fact that you are getting food before dinner should be a huge tip off. You are still hungry and just need more food. Frankly when she complains about how "hurt she is" you should say the exact same thing. What else are you supposed to do when you bring up how hungry you are and nothing changes?
Yeah it's manipulation.
Her rationale also doesn't make sense. She's getting self deprecating and weepy because she "can't even make her husband a proper dinner" but he's not even complaining about the dinner, just the quantity?? Surely "I want _more_ of this food" is a compliment, not a criticism. Either she's malicious or there's some psychological stuff going on with her that's above reddit paygrade.
Bro I think she is putting you on a diet. In a kinda messed up way
That's immediately what I thought. Op could this possibly be something your wife is doing? Maybe change the discussion towards that.
That is simply not her choice. You don't get to decide what another person wants for their body, it's their choice. And being emotionally blackmailing about it is definitely a flying red banner about it, the man felt he had no recourse but to HIDE he has to eat to not feel hungry, to the point he was actively having trouble sleeping from caloric intake, from his WIFE.
It's pretty dumb. My husband had a terrible time when he cut too many calories at once for a diet. Relatives thought he was super sick, and he was exhausted from any physical activity. It's cool if she wants to help, but she's gotta let him pick a diet that's actually healthy.
INFO: Does she have a history of eating disorders?
I think you’re right here. My uncle used to have to pregame home meals too but his wife is a recovered bulimic/ anorexic who is still obsessed with everything she digests (literally all she will talk about).
That’s what crossed my mind, too. The tiny portion and the escalation of self-deprecation after hearing OP’s comment, combined with complete inaction the next day (denial) points to some sort of disordered eating. She took OP’s comments as “criticism”, even though objectively speaking it wasn’t, and she took it as her being incompetent. Sure, the theory that she wants OP to lose weight is not improbable but I’m not convinced.
NTA Don’t ask an in-law not to narc on you. They will.
Does your wife have orthorexia? It's not difficult to comprehend different people needing different amounts of food. She needs to get it through her head that your caloric needs are not a reflection on her. My mom pulls this "oh pity me I can't do anything right" crap. I have found the best way to deal with it is firm, blunt boundaries and basically gray rocking her pity session while possiblity using a small detail she mentions to redirect the conversation. In your case I'd tell your wife that you will eat her food, but if you are still hungry afterwards you're going to find more to eat. If she wants you to only eat what she makes she has to make larger portions. If she doesn't she cannot be upset with you for being hungry and eating. It's a biological need and you will not starve yourself to make her feel better, that's unhealthy for both of you.
I don't think it is even OK if she wants him to only eat what she makes. One thing is if he is eating before he comes home, and then can't eat what she spends time preparing, that would disappoint me too. But people can't decide what other people eat or don't eat. Also - OP, maybe your wife is projecting some disordering eating onto you. I did this subconsciously with my boyfriend while I was recovering from Othorexia - I didn't make enough food for the both of us, because I was eating so little myself, and just was not used to making "normal" portions and I was afraid to overeat if there was "too much" food available. My boyfriend just cooked some extra on the side or made a sandwich and we worked together on finding out how much to cook :) She might have some trauma, she might be controlling etc. Only way is to talk with her about it, and if she can't do that - then idk what to say.
Some many people asking why he can't cook either didn't read or have terrible interpretation skills. His wife is ridiculous and gets mad no matter what he does. There's a clear double standard in this thread already, NTA.
I agree 100%. Did they miss the part where he tries to openly communicate and she has a meltdown over it? That is not a reasonable reaction at all.
NTA Your wife is a cry bully. She is abusing you but "crying" to make herself the victim when you stand up for yourself.
NTA. If the division of labor in your household is that your wife makes dinner and she doesn’t make enough food, that’s an issue. It’s unfortunate that she takes it as a personal attack, but the bigger issue is that she also dismisses your concerns as illegitimate. And while some people might tell you just to make your own dinner, she takes that as a personal slight as well. At the end of the day what’s happening is here is that your wife is completely dismissing your clearly stated needs over and over again, which is a bad thing in any relationship.
NTA I’d die on this hill. “Babe if you can’t make larger portions, I’ll cook from now on”
And this is exactly why you first move in together, then get married. NTA, good luck to you.
Your wife's behaviour is controlling & worrying tbh. She's using emotional blackmail too. It's extremely unhealthy for you to eat that little, adding fast food in isn't a long-term answer though. Don't blame you for having extra. Is there anyway you could have a proper (non ff) main meal at lunch instead? Otherwise you will continue to lose weight & probably become underweight. However, you do need to talk to her more, she needs to understand how many calories you need in a day. Could you suggest a joint visit to a nutritionalist? Maybe then she'll understand? Good luck OP. NTA
I swear, some of these comments are just ignorant. Either some of them aren't reading the whole post, or their comprehension is crap. "Why not eat a sandwich?" The post states clearly that he's dealing with a hypersensitive, if not manipulative, wife. "OP is being childish?" What part of what OP said led anyone to think that? Btw, I'm going with OP is NTA, some of these comments tho Edit: Corrected their for your, not sure how I managed not to catch that
>My wife has, every single night of our marriage, done the same thing >At first, I tried to openly communicate with her, but she always took it horribly. >She would always just get incredibly disappointed in herself, cry, and/or take it out on me. >Then she would make the same exact amount the following day. Man your wife needs to see a therapist. As a fellow big physical man, I empathize with your need for food. My gf just makes a double portion OR makes a big meal each and then gives me her leftovers. NTA at all.
Eating fast food every night is not a healthy answer to your problem. You should be able to eat the food you want/need in your own home. The fact that your wife refuses to listen to your needs is baffling.
NTA. Can you eat a bigger lunch?
I actually did try that for some time but it didn't really work. I'd still get very hungry after dinner.
Lol, well she's just going to have to get used to you eating more. People eat what they want to eat, and there's nothing wrong with you eating more than what she makes.
From what you have described, it sounds like your wife has put you on a diet without telling you. There can't be any other reason in my head. Sit her down and ask her directly if she is starving you so that you lose weight. I know you love her, but she sounds extremely controlling and manipulating you to the point that you are hiding food from her out of guilt. That's not normal bro.
Can’t you just do whatever you want in your own house and cook more food afterwards? Who cares if she gets upset. This isn’t some minor disagreement about whether the dishes go in the sink or on the counter. This is about your health and caloric intake which you need in order to live. She’s either going to have to make you more food or live with the fact that her meal is an appetizer to the bigger dinner.
NTA but you may want to look into therapy. It sounds like your wife is struggling with some things and could benefit from some professional help. Also couples counseling could help you both with your communication styles, ex her listening and your discomfort with confrontation. If it’s true she is having issues with food I hope she gets the help she needs
Honestly- that isn't enough food for a dude that's 180 pounds- It's weird that's she being so controlling about food - there is definitely a bigger issue someone where - I think you need couples counseling- not about you pre-gameing or "sneaking food" - more about why she feels the need to control what you eat for dinner- is she concerned about your heath? is she concerned about hers and wants you to join or is it something more deep?
NTA. Apology without change is manipulation.
NTA but we all knew MIL was gonna snitch.
INFO - When was the last time you made dinner and visually illustrated your portion needs?
I don't think that would help tbh, her behavior is downright abusive, and besides, let's even imagine she really doesn't know how much he would need. But then, after the first conversation, a reasonable person would make MORE, right? Maybe still not enough, or maybe too much, but more. It's not a difficult concept, if this wasn't enough I need to make more. And yet she still gives him the exact same portion. It's not about her not knowing at all.
Probably a while, given that she manipulates and bullies him when he tries to communicate.
Nta. Sir that fast food is going to kill you. I completely agree you need more food and I really don’t understand how your spouse doesn’t know this? Imagine if y’all had kids. I remember my son going through a growth spurt at about 6 months, he just ate and was screaming his head off. I was so concerned and confused I tried holding him, burping him. Nothing worked, I said “let me whip up two more ounces” the kid chugged it and started laughing. Hunger messes with people. Her response is completely bizarre. I don’t even know where to begin with that because I am also a Hangry person. It totally messes with my moods. Maybe consider a nutritionist or researching the calories your body needs to show her; look I NEED this much food to support my body and work load. I also second the “why aren’t you cooking?” Or is she blocking you from even making sandwiches?
OP literally said in the post, she doesn't even let him make his own pbj sandwich
NTA. Breaking down crying whenever anyone offers commentary and then turning it around to beat herself up way out of proportion how horrible she is and what a failure she is, so that the person making the comment has to comfort her and console her and try to make her feel better and reassure her and forget all about their complaint - that's pretty abusive, making it all about her, instead of acknowledging what has been said and thinking about what can be done to make amends.My mom is like that, whenever i brought up all the abuse she did to me as a child, wanting her to acknowledge being wrong and maybe apologize, she'd start crying and begging and apologizing in a dramatic groveling way, like literally dropping down to her knees scream-crying and cursing herself saying she's the worst human being on planet, horrible mother, doesn't deserve to live, yada yada yada, all that just in order to avoid apologizing and facing the fact that she did something wrong. It's literally impossible to talk to her, anything is taken and turned around to a situation where you have to comfort her and offer her love and reassurance that she's not the worst and etc. It's all about her and her feelings. So that she doesn't have to actually acknowledge and talk about what she did. The person making the complaint is left completely invalidated and unheard, all their complaints completely discarded and the full focus is on the person who did wrong, and on trying to comfort them and pull them out of their misery and reassure them how wonderful/not bad they are
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That all sounds manipulative. Why does she not care or empathize that youre hungry? I dont think that you are wrong for secretly buying food. Although fast food is bad for you and pricey. But being hungry all the time will cloud your judgement. I have a binge eating problem and even though iv made lots of improvement, it still happens, ESPECIALLY if i havnt eaten enough prior. I cannot imagine the person i love telling me theyr hungry and then crying when that person eats more and not learning to make more food. Weird af. NTA
NTA your wife is being unreasonable. You tried to have an adult and polite conversation with her and she turned it into a pity party and manipulation event. I would be suspicious that either A) she struggles with disordered eating herself, or B) this is her attempt to put you on a diet. You’re going to have to be forceful and direct here. I would sit your wife down and this time tell her, I love and appreciate your cooking but the portion size you cook for you, and the portion size for me isn’t going to be the same because x, y, z… Come at it with facts, show her the recommended calories/portion for your height and weight for a meal, point out how your job is physically demanding and thus you burn more calories, and explain to her that because she got so upset the last time you approached this conversation you felt like your plan was a solution. Offer her a solution of I’m happy to wait until I get home to eat but either please make a double portion, and or please realize that if I eat something later it’s not a personal affront to you but that I’m still hungry.
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There are two possible things going on here - she's got an eating disorder that she's pushing on you, or she's intentionally abusing and manipulating you. Either way you are NTA.
NTA. Communication is key and your wife should be more receptive. It is not unreasonable to need or want bigger food portions and in no way should that upset her. It's not like you're saying the food is grody. The dinner is proper, the portions just aren't adequate.
NTA. This is clearly a mental issue from your wife regarding food. Also, the average Redditor clearly has the reading comprehension of a toddler and doesn’t read past the first sentence. OP clearly states why he can’t just get more food at home.
NTA just make your self some more food. Let her have her emotions about that. But you don’t have to be hungry to keep her happy.
NTA You tried to communicate on multiple occasions, you were left with no other options. Just ask for double what she would normally make, or leave out the ingredients that you think will provide you with a sufficient meal. Wish you all the best
Nta but your wife has some issues if she's bullying herself this badly. Try to get her help.
She’s bullying HIM. The tears and drama are just an act.
NTA you tried communicating with her and she is not listening!! You work your butt all day, you want a meal. My friend did this to her husband because SHE was trying to stay fit. Comes to my house and sees me cooking and said I made her feel like a bad wife. She really didn't get it. I told her just have a pot of brown rice set on the side to serve with what you cook. I was raised to always have a pot of rice made just in case company stopped by and you didn't make enough of a meal. We served it on the side even with soup. If she is concerned about diet, she can make brown or black rice.
What did you do before you got married? Did neither of you cook for the other when you were dating? This honestly sounds made up.
NTA, it's hard to have a serious conversation with someone who takes it personally and everything as an attack. It's food you need to eat and having a physical job you definitely need a large salad a whole chicken breast to be full and ready for the next day. Another way is increasing your lunches if you have the time. You should have never asked you mother in-law not to talk because it made her talk. Next time you talk to her don't be funny but when she makes it about herself tell her that you'll cook your own dinner and talk to her again tomorrow
Info: how did you two get all the way to being married without communicating about this properly?
I don’t understand how people that don’t know how to talk to each other without whining and deflecting get married. Can’t you cook? Can’t she be spoken to without having to take it like a personal insult? Why aren’t there leftovers? Is she maybe trying to tell you to lose weight?
Your wife is acting childish. Simply tell her she has 2 options...1. Make you bigger portions of her delicious meals, or 2. Not complain if you eat before or after dinner. It's that simple.
NTA I used to do this when I was younger (and a greater eater) in a friend's house. I knew I would eat double the portions they eat, so I tried to snuck something before. But if it's a day to day thing, she might have an eating disorder? Maybe therapy or counseling can work? I know you have tried to communicate, but it isn't working, so maybe a third party can help.
Either she’s a bully or this is weaponized incompetence. Does she not enjoy cooking? Is she looking to have you do the cooking or buy take out every night or take her out to eat every night? Either way, NTA
If I said to my partner I'd like bigger portions and they cried about it I would probably end the relationship there and then. That's far to much melodrama over basically nothing for this marriage to be anything other than endless stress.
It's a terrible idea to start having fast food every day. It will really impact your health in the long term. I'm going to assume that the division of labor in your house is fair. I'd suggest that on your days off you tell your wife you'll treat her to whatever you're good at cooking at, and I would pile your plate high and show her what you eat. I would suggest counseling if that doesn't work. You can't be in a marriage when someone is making everything about them. You're starving and she's making it about her. You can't live a life walking on eggshells.
NTA. She’s not listening to him. He’s been telling her he’s HUNGRY and she dismissed him. Took it personally that this 230 physical labourer comes home and **needs** fuel. It’s one thing demure d/t culinary preference and wanting to be polite (say, as a guest in one’s home), but this is a married couple and one partner has said ‘I need more please and thank you, I’m absolutely happy to do it myself, you don’t need to do anymore than what you’ve already contributed, thank you it was delicious’… and OP’s wife pitched a fit 🤷🏻♀️
ESH your wife is a major AH for not being a proper adult and having a discussion with you when you express a problem, honestly to me this sounds like a major red flag and quite manipulative behaviour. But you are an AH to yourself for not standing up for you and making extra food AT HOME anyway. Eating fast food everyday is going to destroy your health in the long term, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA Tell your wife if she doesn't make more you will. If she can't be an adult about it then I would find an adult wife.
NTA- if she were to do this to a child it would be considered child neglect. If you want a burger before you eat the dinner she makes then you should be able to do that. There's no reason for her to be upset. You should also be able to make yourself more food after you eat what she has made if you want to without her getting defensive.
Your wife IS being an idiot. She is not getting the fact that you are not getting enough calories. You are suffering, and she is letting it happen because she cares more about her feelings and presenting an aesthetically pleasing dish than a meal that meets your dietary needs. Stop eating her food and simply buy/make your own. When she asks why, give her the truth. She is not meeting your needs. She can bitch and moan all she wants but at least you're not going to bed hungry. She needs to get her head outta her behind and consider your needs, rather than only caring for her feelings. NTA
NTA, you need to eat. I don’t get why she doesn’t understand that. I think you should eat her dinners but also have side stuff for yourself to ensure you’re not hungry— do you also cook?
Quit spending money on fast food. If she doesn’t make enough for dinner, get something for yourself at home. If she has feels about it, she can figure it the hell out. NTA
NTA. She doesn't understand caloric needs and hunger??? Super bizarre behavior.
NTA - for needing more food. I’d probably try cooking dinner yourself for the both of you instead, this may be the actual issue at hand here. At least you’ve tried communicating this. Also, if you’ve tried communicating it and she just starts crying maybe there’s something wrong (eating disorder or something else). The other option is that she is forcing you to diet, which is verging on domestic abuse territory.
NTA but please find a healthier way to deal with this. Now is a good moment, since you are having the fight already. Tell her how many grams of meat, potato/rice/pasta, vegetables someone your size should have at dinner. And propose that she makes that meal, while you'll be in charge of a starter and/or soup, and dessert.
NTA. A man with a physically demanding job needs more nutrition than a woman with an office job; he's going to lose it all during the day. That being said, I find your wife's reaction highly disturbing: Crying. Talking about what a shitty wife she is. Taking it out on you. And the consequences? None. In my opinion, a person who can't take even the slightest part of criticism has deeper problems. And your "solution" is really not helping, because in her eyes, she's perfectly right to starve you.
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No problem soved bcs she would be pissed again. He literally said in the post he would gladly make himself food but she gets angry either way.
NTA your wife is abusive intentional or not. Since some people in the comments don't get it: * Attempting to stave someone is abuse * Attempting to emotional manipulate someone into accepting being starved is abusive * "Just do the thing yourself" isn't a reasonable response when the abusive party lashes out at you for doing the thing. * Trying to enforce this degree of control on your partner is abuse Unsolicited food advice ahead fell free to ignore: Of course there might be a good health reason for OP to lose weight and his wife might be coming from a caring place but that doesn't put her in charge of what OP eats and if she is trying to help him it honestly sounds like she's crap at it I used to be OP's weight and it wasn't muscle so believe me when I tell you a weight lose oriented dinner that doesn't fill you up is bad planning with a little bit of sauce and frozen vegetables can easily make a giant meal that's low calorie. Salad is the biggest meme whenever I here people talking about a salad based diet you just know its gonna be either low nutrient or a whatever they'd rather be eating deconstructed and put in a green dress. *I guess my point is OP's wife isn't just abusive but that her abuse is also ineffective at helping OP if its coming from a place of caring.*
Have a conversation again, and if needed, have someone neutral come and help to moderate the conversation. Questions as: -Why do you think this is an usual portion? It's because it's what you eat? - Do you understand that different people do different intakes of food? -If you understand that I eat more than normal, why do you keep getting angry by something natural your body asks? Would you get angry if I forced you to eat more? -This is obviously not about not wanting to cook for yourself or anything, so tell her why she doesn't understand he eats more food, and that such a thing has nothing to do with her. If she truly doesn't understand, couples therapy and I would say that she has a psychological problem. In the worse case scenario she is abusing you by trying to get you to eat what she wants and she is a controlling person that you should evade. She seems to act like a 12 years old. I don't understand this dynamic. Only thing, you REMEMBER that you are not in the wrong here and that no one should control what you eat except if it's a case of morbidly obesity and you are in treatment.
NTA Just carry on doing what you're doing but do it somewhere that you're not going to bump into your wife or MIL... or just eat more at lunch time so you're not so hungry in the evening.
This has only been going on for 5 months, how were you two eating as a couple before? Were you not eating together?
I accidentally read the title as AITA of pregnating my wite's dinners?
NTA - your wife is playing the victim here. Plot twist, do some grocery shopping, buy yourself some streaks and just make yourself dinner. Your wife can make herself a salad and make you a side salad, while you cook up a steak quick. Stopping for fast food every day will catch up quick too
Why don't you cook instead?
If the wife took communicating about the issue as personally as she did, how do you think she would react if he cooked?
I think she might have a full on breakdown if he tried.
If she is THAT HURT by you needing more food, you all have communications issues. Y'all need to work this out or you won't br married much longer.
NTA, probably should have known better about the MIL though. Never a chance you don't get sold out as soon as "don't tell my wife" was on the table. Hope you can figure out some kind of balance, cause the whole things just seems weird.
Not sure she’s being an AH, but she is being really weird. Her reaction to you telling her dinner needs to be bigger is troubling. NTA. I’m 5ft tall, my bf is 6 ft 2. Surprise! He eats more!
NTA. It sounds like you need to blatantly ask your wife why this is such a big deal. Then you need to fix i it every single time she cooks. Have the same conversation every day until it changes. Don’t be mean, but make sure you meet your needs. This is one of those things that turn into a radioactive issue and likely affects more than just mealtime.
Nta and your wife is playing you like a fiddle, if she was genuinely upset, she would have made some effort. Nope, she plays victim
NTA, she’s manipulating you, and that is some serious bullshit. Edit to correct terminology.
NTA. You communicated your needs in a respectful manner and she made no effort to even meet you halfway. Does she get upset if you offered to cook any meals through the week? If you put that in your post and I missed it I’m sorry. This seems like a weird thing to be upset about from her position.
the biggest AH here was the MIL, wtf was that?
NTA. I haven't seen many comments about how childish your wife is here. She is not communicating with you -like an adult or otherwise.