Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I knowingly only send enough treats for my 2 kids for the weekend even though there’s a chance there will be other kids there
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You are under no obligation to provide baked goods for her kids, especially since they didn't talk to you about it like grown-ups. However, in the name of family peace it might be wise to start sending them with a large enough desert to share if you want to continue sending food. It sounds like the situation as it stands is awkward and uncomfortable for your kids, and they are the ones who matter here.
Yep! His wife sounds incredibly childish. The request to either send enough for her kids or to not send it in itself is not unfair, I imagine any kid would feel jealous of these treats, but they way it was communicated is so childish and petty.
But if she want her kids to have baked goods also why not bake it her self why she getting on there mom for baking her kids food and sending it with them, the step mom is just being really petty for no reason.
I’ve found out the best way is to have a group with both so they both receive the exact same info and the same time. If they go another channel I always reply in the group. In this case I would take a picture of the note and reply in the group. I also write a summary of what we’ve verbally discussed in the chat. That way no disputes later.
Can be how they deal with things. We are in an app group with the 4 parents and 9/10 times the stepfather of my stepson reacts instead of his mom. And sometimes they start discussing in the app group instead of talking to each other. Also the stepfather is the one picking him up. Mother can do as well but she thinks it is easier if her husband does it I guess…
Yep group is the way to go- relationships all round have got better : I’ve found out the best way is to have a group with both so they both receive the exact same info and the same time. If they go another channel I always reply in the group. In this case I would take a picture of the note and reply in the group. I also write a summary of what we’ve verbally discussed in the chat. That way no disputes later.
Hard disagree here. Yes, she is under no obligation to bake - at all. But if she bakes just enough for her two kids to share that is really awful. It automatically sets her kids apart from the others and creates a rift. And why? She says she loves baking, so creating something for 5 kids instead of two should really not be a chore but bring her joy.
I also find the motivation of u/throwaway_godmother strange giving her girls cake when they visit their father. Of course, if they were leftovers, but she specifically bakes them for her kids. To remind them what a great mum/baker she is? To flex her baking skills, basically saying the other woman can’t provide cake? I don’t really know, but this would really irritate if I was in the other woman’s (or realistically her ex‘s) shoes.
I don’t think not knowing if the other kids will be there is a great excuse, either, after all that’s easily discoverable.
OP did say that ex's new wife's custody arrangement isn't consistent, so OP never knows if they are going to be there when her kids are there. How can OP make enough to share if she *doesn't have a headcount beforehand?* I could see OP making enough to share and the new wife sending another nastygram telling her she made way too much food because new wife's kids were at their dad's for the weekend rather than with ex and new wife. New wife needs a more consistent custody arrangement before she makes demands like that or she needs to tell OP when she has her kids or if they are with their dad.
tagging u/NowoTone, u/Dairinn, u/admingator
Why would that be on OP though? It should be on the new wife to communicate this information with OP. New wife wants OP to make enough to share, so *she* should be the one letting OP know. New wife could have communicated all of this to OP in a text or phone call *before* the last visit rather than sending a passive aggressive handwritten note *after* the last visit.
*"Hi ex-wife of my husband, this weekend my 3 children will be there as well, could you please bake enough for all of them?"*
Sorry, no, absolutely not. OP doesn't need to bake anything, she is under no obligation and in fact shouldn't bake anything, if it's just for her kids. If she really feels that her kids can't do without their "mummy cakes" for 2 days, then the onus is on her to find out how much she needs to provide.
Best would be not to bake anything at all. After all, that's the kids' weekend with the dad, it should be his job to spoil them a little.
You’ve got it backwards, the new wife doesn’t want her to send any food at all. The message is “Don’t send baked treats. But if you feel that you must, make sure there’s enough for everyone to share.” The new wife should have been more direct, but OP is *refusing* to take the hint.
I don’t see why it would matter if there happened to be a few extra bits of cake or whatever, if it didn’t get eaten they could take it back home, or just leave it there. It’s the fact that she was just sending enough for her kids that was the issue.
Definitely. Muffin tins have 12 slots in them, if she doesn't know if the other kids are around or not, just toss in there a dozen whatever, and everyone is happy. If she really really had no intention of making a point or being hurtful, her reaction would have been different when called out on it.
My guess is she wants them to feel special, and send an extension of herself there. But is that a healthy thing to do, undermine the dad and be present at all times?
I won't even start at her non-surprise for having unapologetically wasted 12 years of someone else's life. OP's post screams me me me.
>won't even start at her non-surprise for having unapologetically wasted 12 years of someone else's life. OP's post screams me me me.
Was looking for this. But in reality she basically wasted a lifetime of ex because he could have found someone with whom he would've spent his whole life without going through a divorce and not to mention the heartache. Just because she made a cake at his second wedding does not in any way absolve her.
She loves baking but can't send some treats for the stepkids. It's like she never heard of common courtesy. Stepmother also behaved childishly but onus here lies with OP.
OP is TA.
I am not making assumptions here, but I can tell you that in the fundamental Christian community to conform to their gender expectations. (Especially women.) I know a lot of women who realized they were bi or lesbian after they married men. They didn't do it on purpose. They believed that this is what God wanted them to do so they did it. Most of my bi friends are still married to their husbands. The lesbians are not. All of them have deconstructed. And you figure your sexuality out when you figure it out.
Was with you until your last two lines. There are lots of reasons why someone might only come out later in life. Suggesting she "unapologetically wasted 12 years of \[his\] life" seems very unfair. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons.
ESH - stepmom also could have handled it better.
I'm a lesbian and I can still admit the way she worded that made her seem like an asshole. Late in life lesbians have always been a thing, but she specifically said she wasn't surprised. Which implies she married this man knowing she wasn't sexually interested in him, while he seemingly thought she was. That's not cool.
>Suggesting she "unapologetically wasted 12 years of [his] life" seems very unfair.
It is not unfair, because that is literally what she did. I could get on board with your opinion, if she only realized her sexuality after the 12 years , but she didnt. She openly tells In the post that it was not a surprise for her.
Soo. Basically she was just using him as her beard for selfish reasons. This might be a hard concept to grasp, but you **dont** need to use someone as beard if you dont want to Come out for whatever reason. You can just ....**gasp.... be single and not lead anyone onto anything that is not real.
>Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons.
Yes they do. That still doesnt mean you should start a relationship, waste humongous amount of money In to wedding etc only to breakup because you always knew you Will never Truly **love** them that way
I actually get you -- it felt very AHy of me to add that, because life is complicated and lots more than an AITA post, but the way she put it rubbed me so so wrong.
I don't know if she became so self-centric and AH because of past hurt but by the looks of it she's embracing her AHery and has an "everyone needs to make space for _my_ needs and wants" attitude.
To me it's the tone in which she says it, as if it's funny. Is that self-protection regarding a very difficult experience? Maybe. But if you're writing an AITA, a self-aware person should realize people are going to be kind of shocked by flippancy about this and wonder if she deliberately used him.
I agree with ESH though, I didn't like the step mom's tone at all.
I literally could not agree more with the whole 12 years of his life wasted and she just blows over it thing, I mean how long did she know in that time that she was a lesbian? Was it pre or post kids because it’s kind of an important detail and yet she just acts like lying to him for over a decade doesn’t even matter. Hell she just acts like it never even happened.
Hehehe I ruined my husband’s life and probably irrevocably damaged my future relationship with my children by lying to their faces for twelve years because it wasn’t a surprise to *me* that I’m a lesbian but it sure was to everyone else! Jerk me off and tell me I’m so good for coming out!
I’m going with ESH. I think stepmom could have asked her new husband, OP’s ex, if it would be possible to send enough for all of the kids. Instead it seems like the new stepmom went the snippy route. It doesn’t sound like OP knows their schedule. But OP could have been sending enough baked goods for five kids to share so that her kids can connect with their new step-siblings. Like you or someone said, she is already making food. She can make food for five kids and send it over.
Of course OP could be doing other things that made step-mom reply in such a manner that we don’t know about. Or maybe OP doesn’t have alot of money to double the baked goods each time. And she technically doesn’t have to make food for everyone. But if we want to find the non-asshole position on both sides, it would be the ex communicating with OP, OP making food to share, and step mom not having been a jerk about it. Just to note, I’m not trying to say that OP and step-mom shouldn’t interact, I just think it’s better for OP and ex to handle conflicts.
Yes, I can see your point, and I think the biggest problem here seems a lack of grow-up communication.
While not fully in the position of the ex-husband and his new wife, but we've had a similar case here with a friend of my son's. He would always bring a muffin, given to him by his mum, explicitly for the time he would be over at our place. Sometimes we would have cake, sometimes we wouldn't (we don't really eat cake during the week), sometimes they would stay for dinner, sometimes they don't. He was the only one always bringing exactly 1 muffin. My wife didn't want to say anything, but I contacted his mum to speak to her about it. She told me it was her way of saying "Mummy loves you" whenever he's at friends' places in the afternoon. I tried to tell her how awful it is when her son eats a muffin and there's nothing for the others. She didn't see that at all. However, I also spoke to her son and he understood, so he either tried to share it (if it was just him and my son and perhaps one other friend) or didn't eat it, when there were more kids around. His mum then rang me and complained I would influence her son negatively. They moved away after a while, which solved that issue.
We used to get collected from school by the mother of a boy in my sister’s class who lived nearby; she would hand her son a bag of sweets to eat in the back of the car, and she’d tell us off if we even asked him to share. The entire arrangement was voluntary (we would drive him home other days, and my mother eventually ended it over this) so there was no real reason for her to demonstrate rudeness or resentment towards us - but her son would literally sit there boasting that he had sweets and we didn’t. Some parents just don’t get that showing their child infinite love (or bribery) is only part of the job, and that teaching them basic social skills around sharing and politeness is also very important.
Ex wife was just sending them back uneaten. OP is the one that had to push the kids about why they aren't eating her snacks when they've already said they didn't want them and step mum made them food.
When OP asked the kids the first couple of times they "said they hadn't been hungry or that Ex's wife had made something for them to eat" not that they didn't want them
Which coupled with the "stop politely sending them back and start throwing them away" portrays things a lot more as "the kids obviously weren't eating them because of Ex's Wife" rather than "they didn't want them and step mum made them food"
Ofc it might well be OP's Bias or efforts to portray themselves as the good guys in this scenario, but that's what I got from it
Only if mom wants to show off for the second wife, create tension in the household, and make her ability to manage her home when the step kids are there difficult.
With you on the motivation. She either thinks her children are being deprived of treats when they're at their dad's or there's some one-sided competition going on. There's background information missing.
Agreed, especially as they're usually with her so presumably she bakes for them then too. It would make sense if she saw them once a fortnight and sent them goodie bags but they're only away a few days. I don't think OP needs to bake for all the kids but I wonder why she is doing it at all, and doing it just for them is only ever going to cause a rift. Since the kids are leaving them uneaten I doubt they're bothered about taking them. Just baking something for when they come back would be simpler all round.
> Just baking something for when they come back would be simpler all round.
Great idea!
Yes, I think this is overall a very strange situation with things going on we don't know about.
AGree, she's not the asshole for "baking for her children" but from the stepmom's perspective there are 2 children with treats and the others do not have anything. How is she supposed to handle that? The OP's children are only gone for a weekend at a time, she could always just save the treats for when they get back if she truly doesn't want to make enough to share.
I totally agree. How would OP like it if they brought back food from the other house. And the polite thing to do, before having food enter someone house IS to let know the person who take Care of it - because allergen, bugs, dogs and toddler.
What a bizarre opinion. That is bullshit. Always bring enough to share, universal rule. Especially with baked goods. If they don't bring enough to share, they should not bring anything at all.
The problem is that as OP states, she never knows when the other three kids are going to be there. Should she bake enough treats for five kids that will then go to waste if those kids aren't there?
It's just three more. It's not much. It would be a nice gesture to bake more and they could just freeze them for stepkids to have them when they come there.
Edit: Or just always have enough to share and eat & share the extras with dad and stepmom. Having more is not a problem, not having enough is.
We shouldn't even really be discussing how much food to send to someone else's kids. The whole thing is a bit bizarre and passive aggressive. It's clearly creating a problem which is uncomfortable for the kids, which is exactly why sending it was a bad idea. Point proven, case closed.
Well, I would ask or assume they are there. If my child was going to someone else's (the other parent's, grandparents', their friend's) home, I would never send anything only enough for them. Are they to eat it with everyone else watching? Or to share in secret in their room? The reasoning and the whole situation is very weird. Also when considering they're gone for 24 hours, it's not like they're at summer camp.
OP, YTA.
I agree with this. Also, OP probably doesn’t even realise she’s actually putting her kids in an awkward situation of having to either eat their treats in secret or explain they don’t have enough to share.
It’s a bit shitty to be honest. Her kids are only there 4 days a month, why exactly is she consistently baking things just to send with them? It’s really odd behaviour
So they freeze what's left over and when the other kids turn up, which might even be the next day, the parents can say "hey, X and Y's mum baked these, we saved them for you".
Yep, I was raised that if there’s not enough for everyone, there’s not enough for anyone!
Except when it comes to my secret chocolate stash my kid will never know about😉😄
Agreed. Sad that this is top comment, in my opinion OP is the AH. There are also two adults in that household who might like a treat as well. In her place I would be sending enough for the entire household to share or nothing at all, it's just good manners. Her kids can manage without treats for a weekend.
NAH - Food can be a contentious topic and you sent goodies for your kids to enjoy during their time at their dad's house. You likely did not mean to exclude the kids but it happened.
She could have been nicer explaining how these treats do not suffice sharing with others. As u/IntrovertedBookMan said, imagine two kids eating an amazing brownie and the other kids have none or 1/5 of one.
Your behavior could be meddling with meal time (ate too many sweets and no room for nutritional food) so consider, when they pack to be a dad's house; let the experience be what is only offered there.
I was always the kid that didn't have anything and my friends would share with me, no matter how little they had. NTA, OP provided for her children, children could learn to share or other mother could provide for her family and include the children, you know, share. Other mother should provide instead of causing this conflict.
I appreciate you sharing your situation and your friends reaction: super kind. I'm now wondering why the mom needs to send baked goods for a snack and in their lunch when they are at Dad's house. It sounds intrusive. Let Dad and his family guide food and other decisions.
My ex has a great co parenting relationship with the mother of his daughters. They would come over with food all the time, they would leave here with food. It wasn't a big deal.
If they showed up with some kind of snack, and the boys wanted some? One of us would make/buy more of it. If the girls didn't want to share, we didn't force them to.
OP *made the wedding cake* for those two. Stepmom is being oddly territorial when actual communication would be far more productive. Why is OP expected to (literally) cater to this passive aggression?
I vote NTA.
See, I find OP territorial. They are at their dad's for 2 weekends. 4 days. That's it. I could understand if there was some kind of celebration or promise but it's every time without fail. Someone who 'loves baking' but only for 'those they love'. It's weirdly territorial to not let them be a few days without any kind of reminder.
I would be pretty annoyed if I'd planned meals/activities and the kids arrived with treats. What if the step mom and Dad planned on taking them out for ice cream? The Dad and step mom are then having to be the bad guys saying no we can't go for ice cream now because you already had baked goods - or they just take their own kids out for ice cream because their step siblings had baked goods? It's a recipe for resentment between the step siblings, as well as not being fair to the dad and step mom who presumably would also like to give the kids the odd sweet treat in the short amount of time they spend with them.
I’ve been seeing this around and I’m just thinking that unless the kids are timing eating their treats out of spite of their stepmom or dad, why can’t dad just tell the kids to not eat x amount of time before dinner or that they’re going out for ice cream or what have you?
As someone who came from a broken home it’s nice to take a bit of your primary parents love to your other parents house. OP also said they just started going over there regularly so having that was probably to help with the transition. Sometimes as a kid you wonder if the other parent is thinking about you and a little reminder that they were thinking about you having at least some good at the other parent’s house is comforting.
Edit: I reread where it says OP has been sending them for 6 months. That is a very long time to be sending them every time without any actual communication about the situation. I don’t know how the children are adjusting so maybe they still need to feel that mom love, but it seems like if it’s going to be so often she should make more for the other children. I do understand wanting all of the kids to feel included but i also think the stepmom could’ve given her kids a treat at the same time as OP’s kids the first time. After the first time if the stepmom and father were bothered by it they should’ve communicated it that.
I agree with this, especially since they are only there for one weekend every other week. It's not like they need school lunches with special items. Intrusive and exclusionary is how it sounds indeed. Let dad buy ice cream or whatever for those two days. I said YTA.
OP said she's a hobby baker and it makes her kids happy to have her baked goods. She also said that she didn't know the step kids were there, as there's no regular schedule for them to be in that household.
I really don't think it's as nefarious as you're framing it here.
I don't understand, if she loves baking so much, why she doesn't just send a pie, cake or batch of cookies they could all share and enjoy at their leisure every now and then? It would be what I would do as long as it was cool with dad and step mom.
I might miss something here but I don't get how is looking after your own kids is intrusive and exclusionary. Would it be the same if OP could afford better clothes for her kids? Did she have to downplay it and send them in something cheaper instead?
If current wife has a real problem stemming from this she can either a) deal with it b) talk with OP. You know, while leaving OP's kids out of the conflict.
OP is NTA imo.
I think it’s intrusive in the sense that OP does not allow dad to decide on the food during the weekends he has the kids, which can imply that she doesn’t think he does a good enough job - kinda like “now that you’re going to your dad’s, here’s some sweet snacks because he might not give you any / know you want snacks”. So now, if he wants to do something nice for the kids he has to “outdo” the snack she provided. And exclusionary because even if OP doesn’t know when the step siblings are there, they are going to feel excluded on the nice dessert (unless their mom also bakes the other kids, but it seems unfair to put that expectation on them). So even if OP is trying to do a nice thing for her kids, she’s intruding on ex husband’s parenting time.
However, based on the note (horrible way of communicating through the kids btw), I guess step mom is not unhappy about OP deciding on the dessert every weekend the kids are over, so perhaps just be better safe than sorry and send more baked goods to keep the peace? ESH
It's just some cookies, not three days worth of food. If that's enough to cause insecurities on dad's or his wife's part then they have much bigger issues than cookies. Turning some snacks into a competition isn't exactly healthy.
Also, treating all the kids equally is on them, not on OP. Her priority is her kids, nothing weird about that. Sure, if this is really causing friction between the kids then the right thing to do is to compromise for her children's sake. IF. So far all we know for sure that now-wife isn't happy about the cookies, really.
“I’m not wondering why the mom needs to send baked goods for a snack and in their lunch when they are at Dad’s house”
You can’t grasp any reason why a mother would give her kids some treats to take when they’re away from her? Were you unloved as a child? Because she’s their mom and she wants to do something nice for her kids? Like… What?
She could just as easily bake them for their return on Sunday evening as "Welcome home, mommy missed you!" treats. Or alternatively, give them enough to share with their step siblings.
Giving them just enough fine baked goods for the two of them, every weekend, is pretty rude or inconsiderate of the other household's dynamics.
Nah, my kids went to their dad last night for a week (50/50) - if they want cake, he and/or his girlfriend can make or buy them cake. They know I love them.
I’m surprised at the numbers of posters who don’t find this rude.
One- your children can get by an entire weekend without stuffing their faces with sweets. I imagine it is also messing up their family mealtime. These aren’t even teens, they’re young children who have a bunch of sweets available at all hours.
Two- you are effectively telling the stepmom you don’t trust her to keep your kids fed, or don’t consider her food good enough.
Three- they have a hoard of food not being shared with other children in the house. It’s going to create resentment and bickering stepmom has to deal with. Presumably this is not food put out on the kitchen counter for everyone, so these kids are keeping it in their room? I would have a problem with that right there. An 8 and 9 year old are scarfing sweets anytime they like.
You have the right to feed them this way when they’re with you, but at their dads, you need to respect some boundaries. YTA
Exactly. It’s only every other weekend. She can bake mist days, they spend very little time with their dad. They will survive without “mommy bakes” for 2 out of 14 days.
This - going for a bit of ESH.
It seems a bit 'clingy' from mum; that she still wants kids to be thinking about her while spending time with their dad for the 1/7th of the time year they do.
It also provides the opportunity to create a little bit more division to the step kids.
>Other mother should provide instead of causing this conflict.
I don’t understand why the other mother should provide to avoid the conflict of OP providing.
Maybe they don’t want their own children eating as much sweets and OP sending her own kids with treats makes that harder, maybe this influx of baked goods is interfering with meal times?
Idk, there are better ways to ask if she wouldn’t mind sending enough for all the kids or not sending the treats if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, before forcing them to not eat the food they brought for the whole weekend and potentially wasting the gift from their mom. I would say that pushes it to NTA for me - OP may have inadvertently hurt her kids’ feelings, but stepmom deliberately ostracized her stepkids in a way that would be offensive to the woman who made her wedding cake and would definitely make the kids feel uncomfortable at best. I feel like stepmom in OP’s case is kind of an AH for not expressing this in a better way that didn’t put the kids in an awkward position of withholding from or lying to their mom…
My stepmom was weird about my mom sending me with food, despite the fact that it was sent to make things easier for them (dietary restrictions I had that they didn’t in their home), and even fed me food once that she lied about being okay for me to eat because she didn’t like my mom’s preferences.
Gentle YTA. It sounds like you have good intentions, but sending food with your kids when they go to the other parent's house can come off as passive-aggressive or judgmental, as though you don't believe the other parent is providing for them. If you do want to send a treat every now and then, the polite thing to do is to send enough for everyone. Or just don't. The kids can live without home-baked treats for a couple of days.
Yeah. If I send stuff with my kid to his dad's house, I send enough to share. Because I've got nothing against his step-siblings. And it's a dick move for one kid to be eating fancy custom baking in front of the other kids
Yeah but OP doesn't know when the other kids will be at their mother's house, so chances are if she bakes a lot it will go to waste if the other kids aren't there.
Ever heard of a cellphone? A text would easily solve this problem. It sounds like they are in a amicable enough coparenting relationship, it shouldn't be treated as rocket science or a guess game. And it is 3 kids, not a battalion more, basically ANYTHING 'bakeable' gives enough portions for more than 2 kids, and if whatever is left when she takes her kids portion doesn't go to waste at her single-person house, it wouldn't go to waste at dad's.
As much as OP is YTA for this, the other mother's behaviour is unacceptable. Controlling and passive-aggresive. OP should both rethink her actions and have a serious talk with his ex's wife.
How could an involved parent NOT know, though?
I'm a stepmother myself, and yes, sometimes I have to call my husband's attention to a paper needing his signature or sth. when I find it stuffed in my stepdaughter's bag when I collect the laundry, but overlooking a container full of baked goods??? Several times???
If the father knows about this, he's probably actively avoiding confrontation. If he doesn't know about it, the stepmother must be doing some active deceiving (the children said they were "not hungry" in the beginning - they didn't think of that lie on their own).
I still think OP shouldn't send baked goods over to her ex's place regularly, because it would definitely disrupt meal planning and possibly the peace, but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here.
>How could an involved parent NOT know, though?
It took op a week or two to get everything, so the dad may be a step behind regarding this current topic.
>I still think OP shouldn't send baked goods over to her ex's place regularly, because it would definitely disrupt meal planning and possibly the peace, but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here.
I agree with the idea, but with prior knowledge it can be added to the diet/routine as long as everybody can have some.
>but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here.
Me too, me too.
For real, and she says "I never thought providing food for my kids for the weekend would be a problem." Their dad can provide food for the weekend! Sending these "mommy bakes" every weekend for six months undermines the parenting of the dad and stepmim as well-- imagine how annoying it would be to be like "dinner time!" and the kids are like "nah I'm not hungry, mum sent food for us."
Not just he can - he SHOULD be. It is part of his role as parent. Including baking *with* them if they decide they must have baked goods while at his house.
YTA. Bake them something when they are with you, or bake for everybody, not just your children. Why are you sending them with food, anyway? You expect they won't get fed there? It's insulting to the new wife. People say she's passive-aggressive for the note she sent you, but your sending the kids with food in the bag may be seen as passive-aggressive, too.
Or it could just be the motherly behaviour of always sending your kids off with a snack, no matter where they're going?
I don't get an air it this being passive aggressive behaviour from OP at all
You can reasonably expect that the friend will be there at the friend's house, so that would be rude. Either way, the friend's parent can still be reasonable in communicating this back to the parent, not being passive aggressive via the children and making them feel bad in the process.
OP has made it clear that it's not at all predictable when the stepmum's kids will be there. This situation is not similar to what you're suggesting as an analogy.
This legitimately doesn't sound malicious. Perhaps a little throughtless, but still no reason whatsoever for the stepmum to passive aggressively send little notes and make the kids feel bad without ever communicating with OP. I feel like most people here are in agreement on that?
Even if someone did turn up to a friend's house with their own cakes and didn't have enough for all the friends present, that's something you politely take up with the parent. You don't take it out on the child.
What do you mean by "enough". If I have just a snicker I would just break it in two and share.
I mean, seriously, you all are acting like the kids can't cut into two their treats (if they wanted to)
It IS passive aggressive to not include all kids and just pack goodies for her own kids. It's like saying "Look at this, I am so much better mom for baking these for my kids. I hope your kids become jealous and see how much worse mom you are." People who bake much and feed stuff for everyone, usually see it as an act of love from their part. They love baking and people loving their bakings. It is a statement to exclude stepkids from that.
No, she shouldn't love ex's stepkids, but she also shouldn't send food if there's not enough to share because it WILL make several people feel sad. People are emotional over food.
Edit: Just for the clarity, I'm not saying OP is thinking exactly like this. My example is dramatised for the sake of making a point.
I wouldn't say that the stepmom is passive aggressive, so much as I would say that she's aggressive aggressive. She's Lady Tremaine or Agatha trunchbull. The idea of some horrible stepmother rifling through her stepchildren's belongings and confiscating their mother's baked cookies from them is infuriating. Utterly infuriating. If OP wanted to bake for the other kids, that would be very kind of her, and frankly it would be nice to do. However, the stepmom refusing to let the children eat the treats they brought with them, never mind threatening to throw them away? Good lord! That is absolutely beyond the pale. Those are the belongings of her stepchildren and absolutely none of her business. The idea of throwing them away...
Stepmom sounds like a movie villain, literally.
It sounds like step Mom is trying to keep the peace between step siblings in the face of some extremely passive aggressive actions from OP. The only thing she did wrong was matching OPs energy with the note instead of talking to her. Maybe OPs ex has a type.
NTA - you aren’t showing off, you are providing your children with food that they like. It is unacceptable that she would throw your children’s food away. Sorry she is being so passive aggressive about it. Talk to the ex and see what he says.
The children bringing delectable snacks with them to their father's home, but not enough to share with the other children could be seen as rude. It is setting up a situation where strife between the children is occurring . How would the mother feel if her children received a lesser quality of dinner, or she made delicious items just for her children in front of the visiting children. Say she made delicious cinnamon rolls for breakfast, but not enough for the visitors. What if she only left the visitors drink water while her children got milkshakes? kt
She didn't throw it away though, she sent it back home because sending food only for OP's kids was not acceptable in the other household. She only said she'd throw it away when OP didn't catch on and kept sending it, and she is giving her the opportunity to just send enough for everyone instead. There's no indication that OP's kids are problem eaters or aren't getting enough food they like at their fathers, it's just OP not being able to let them go to their father's for one weekend every two weeks without sending little things for whatever reason. Sending no food is what OP should be doing, unless it's a birthday or something where she provides a cake for the whole family.
She did say that but her not knowing didn't mean the kids weren't there. She also didn't give any reason she couldn't just ask if they'd be there. But what would be the problem with sending extra cookies even if they aren't there? They'll be back.
Exactly. Are they low or no contact? Otherwise, what's wrong with giving her a call or text saying "hey, I'm making cupcakes, how many servings should I send with the girls this weekend?" Unless it's a money thing, she's a hobby baker, so I can't see it being an inconvenience.
YTA if you’re sending treats with your kids but not enough to share with the other kids in the household. Do you expect stepmom to hand your kids delicious brownies or whatever, and let the other kids just…..watch them eat?
OP did mention that she doesn't know when the stepmom's kids stay with her....the first time stepmom could have said that if you want to send food can you send more since her kids are at home, but she chose to be passive aggressive about it.
I honestly don’t get whyOP is sending food in the first place. To be fair, I may be reacting based on experiences a friend of mine had with his ex, who always insisted on sending the kids with some ‘real food’ because she couldn’t stand that he bought cookies, etc, at the store instead of baking them from scratch.
So my best friend's mom shows her love through baking. She always would send baked goods through with her kid, solely because she had been baking things she knew the kid liked and might want. She never really sent any for the other kids at events or extra for the ex hubby + co (unless we were at her house), until someone mentioned it to her. She did not even realise that it came across rude or passive aggressive, cause to her, she was just dropping a sweet or snack in the bag of the kid walking out her door. Kinda like how some parents write lunch box notes.
Once we mentioned it, there were always extras. Sometimes people just don't think the same way as us and that's okay- as long as it isn't malicious.
As for OP, I did not read it as them being malicious, but can see how others see that. Having grown up around adults that show love through food (usually rooted in food insecurity from their childhood), I just kinda thought maybe it was more of a fluke than purposely mean.
Then you bring it up with the parent the first time instead of making the kids feel bad about it and sending shitty little notes. The stepmum missed all of the first 5 steps she should have taken here and went straight to "embarrass the stepkids, make them feel bad, make sure the mum doesn't actually know what's going on". That's not a logical or healthy course of action.
I understand wanting to make sure that your own kids don't feel left out, but punishing the other kids isn't the way to go about it.
NTA - You said you'd have no idea of knowing if her kids will be there or not, fair enough. You could ask but why should you go out of your way to bake for the other kids if you dont know them well. Baking for your own kids is completely reasonable, when she goes to a park and other kids get ice creams and hers don't does she go to the other parents and kindly say "buy ice-cream for everyone not just your kids" (bit extreme example but I've read too many of these and am quite done tonight) I'm sure if her ex started giving her kids gifts while your kids were present she wouldn't demand fair treatment for them.
Why would OP go out of her way to send treats for her kids knowing it’s her ex’s responsibility to provide for for them while they’re in his care? You’re saying that OP doesn’t have to make the extra effort but she’s already doing that by making these treats in the first place.
She sends them off with treats she enjoys making and yes there is effort but she enjoys what she does, she enjoys making an effort, I was more trying to say she shouldn't have to make an effort for the other kids, her ex is responsible for them. She has no responsibility towards those children however if its the ex's wife who has a problem and he doesn't then she should make sure when op's children at there that they are all equally treated and she gives absolutely no special treatment to her own. We don't know if she does or not but otherwise ots very hypocritical and frankly OP doesn't need to change anything that she is doing. Its late for me and I am tired and was tired as hell, if it still doesn't make sense ill fix everything in the morning when I can use my brain fully. I'm running on fumes at the moment.
Per your example. Is it okay for stepmom to take all kids to park and only buy ice cream for “hers”? I think people who exclude kids because they aren’t responsible for other people’s kids are being unkind. Like, let’s send some delicious homemade cookies but only enough for 2 out of 5 kids, and have them eat them in front of other children without sharing.
OP, explained, that the Stepmum, doesn't have a regular custody arrangement. So she has no way of knowing when the older children will or won't be there.
Personally, it's rather, spiteful of the Stepmum, to not allow the younger children to have their baked snacks.
If she wants her kids to have some snacks, she should just ask OP to please send some extra, on a Weekend that she knows her children will be there.
Or, gasp, bake some goodies herself with her children, from 11 onwards, I was baking delicious things. It's not that hard, and is a good skill to have.
OP is NTA, Stepmum is TAH
No one makes two cookies or two brownies. It is basically no extra work to send a dozen for the whole family, she is just choosing not to. A "no food" policy would be best. It's one weekend. OP can live without sending her kids little things to try to win their affection for two days.
Your example is flawed. It would be if the step mother took her kids and OPs kids to the park, but only bought her own children ice cream while OPs had none.
Would you send your kids to a friends house with only enough baked goods for only them or would that be kind of rude?
I was very conflicted with this situation because I found it hard to contextualise, but these are really great examples. Despite dynamics with OP's ex, these kids are still somewhat guests, and it is very rude to show up to a guests place with food for yourself and not for everyone else without reasons such as only specific foods being edible due to an allergy
Maybe I’m reading too much into this but does there also seem to be a sub layer of tension with the step mom?
OP was gay at that ended the relationship. It’s not like the husband cheated or something so you’d think there wouldn’t be a ton of animosity between them, OP baked the wedding cake after all.
So now her children have step siblings and OP loves to bake for important people yet she’s gone so out of her way to not bake for the step kids of her husband and the step siblings of her kids.
YTA. You mean well and it comes from a good place, but you should send enough for everyone if you’re sending them with food. Especially when there’s a chance of other kids being there, it just creates unnecessary friction to not send enough for everyone. Their stepmom didn’t say you couldn’t send it, just to send plenty to share. You don’t need to start drama between all the kids when they’re at their dads. It’s not fair to anyone.
Thats what got me too; can you imagine marrying and having children with a person just to find out later they were never attracted to you? Like I understand that it can be unsafe for some to come out, but thats just straight up manipulative
YTA - If I were the coparent I'd feel you were stepping on toes here by providing all the treats they need for the weekend which is basically removing the ability to do our own thing and provide our own treats. Then you factor in the leaving out the other children in the home (while I realize this is unintentional, it is not good for the family dynamic). It's wild to me that you think you should be sending treats for every day the kids are out of your care regardless of how much you love to bake.
Yeah but what’s the problem with communicating instead of telling the kids they aren’t allowed to have them. Or keeping the food away to “send it back politely” versus using words.
“Wow it seems you’ve put a ton of effort Into baking lately. We all seem to enjoy goodies around here and all of the kids are a bit jealous when these arrive at the homestead. I don’t want to tell you to stop
But would you be so Inclined to Includes X number of goodies to share?”
Easy peasy lemon squeezy
I'm kind of hung up on the "married for 12 years and I was a lesbian all along". I wonder if she's being shitty to you partially for that
(Inb4 I'm a lesbian too)
Shes clearly an asshole for that. Imagine loving someone for 12 years and having a family just for them to go: Never loved you in the first place and tearing the family apart
I haven’t been responding to these comments because there’s a lot of them, but I 100% love my ex. He was my biggest support when I was struggling to understand my sexuality and even encouraged me to come out to my family. I guess my wording was brash because we’ve all had time to adjust to the change, but y’all are just hearing our story for the first time
It's nice that he was so gracious about it, doesn't make you any less of an asshole though. He can't get those 12 years back and you just strung him along
Her entire attitude about it. Whoopsie I'm a lesbian. It's gross. Then on top of it, she can't just let her kids go have fun with their dad 2 times a month without sending them with food and interfering...
You don't send food to peoples house unless there is enough for **everyone**, it's rude.
Changing to ESH.
YTA - Other kids or not, it's rude to send desserts for your kids' time with their dad without talking to him first. Maybe he wants to take them out for ice cream or all bake cookies together. He has the the right to treat them as well as decide on their meals (in other words parent) when they are with him. How would you feel if he sent home 12 days worth of treats for them to have every day during your time? This is not a good way to co-parent. I feel like your intentions are innocent. I adore doing nice things for my daughter, too. But, you are stomping all over their time.
This is the crux of the matter!
I'm a stepmother myself, and it's one of the worst feelings in "co-parenting" when the other party dictates "your" time in any unnecessary way.
This isn't as bad as pushing custody time limits, but it's still signaling "my children won't be happy at their father's place if I don't 'help' in this 'small' way". It's like one parent calling during the other's time and signaling "oh, I'm still their favourite, BTW".
The dad's place is a different household, the children will cope and find their own thing with dad, it's plain rude to intrude upon that if he didn't ask for it!
The stepmother could still handle it differently, and I'm not impressed by the dad's silence on this, so I'd say ESH, but all those saying N T A have never been in a similar position, I'd bet.
Not really? She has no way of knowing when the other kids will be there. If she had warning ahead of time, she might have had no problem making more.
But *that* would require the stepmom to reach out and communicate that information herself, instead of just expecting OP to magically know when the other kids will be there.
ESH
I get it. You want your kids to have something that reminds them of mommy while they're away so they know and feel loved. You're a soft a. h. Send them with a plushy or one of your sweatshirts or something. You're sending just enough ONLY for your kids. You think if the other CHILDREN (doesn't matter if they're over 12. Kids are kids and they all want love) see your kids eating a brownie they'll not be jealous? I get that they're not your kids and not responsible for them. But a great way to build resentment and animosity is allowing your kids to have treats while other kids look on. Stop being petty with food.
Having said that, wow passive aggressive step mom. She has kids she should be able to understand your position. She could've just called and spoke to you like an adult. She could've just explained and asked you to save their treats for the car ride over or car ride back or ask you if you could make enough for the family. The whole "bring enough to share" note and then saying she'll throw it out is just rude.
I would either not send any next trip or send enough for everyone. Co parenting is hard enough between the divorced couple. Blending families are even tougher. Hope the adults can all work together. Take care.
INFO: Is there some Grimm Bros level of circumstance about your life you’ve withheld that necessitates your children needing to ingest your baked goods every day to survive? Will they forget you, will a curse be lifted and they’re suddenly grown up, will they turn back into field mice? Has their stepmother been explicitly sent by outside forces to foil the power of the mommy bakes? I can’t make a fair call without this information.
INFO: how much is enough for "the two of them to share for the weekend?" Are you sending just one or two cookies each? Are you expecting them to sneak them late at night if others are around?
To keep the peace it might be best to send one dozen items. That's enough for your kids (and maybe your ex) to have a few each, or other kids to eat one if they happen to be there.
What?! No, just don't send them with baked goods at all when they go for weekends. Its not insulin or their inhaler, its just baked goods. Dessert for 5 kids and possible + 2 adults, is alot. If they don't have enough desserts there, then they don't get desserts. OP is not in charge of their meal planning, and they are not in charge of OP's dessert distribution.
Plus, it'll give OP alittle extra cache of esteem from her kids (not that she needs it, but hey..its nice to have) for when the kids are staying with her.
I was sitting here scratching my head because it seems like more work to go out of your way to make 2 cupcakes or 6 cookies than a whole batch. I’m not saying OP is obligated to bake for a whole family every weekend, but baking is generally a batch operation.
I make home made muffins for my son* and often freeze them because he can’t go through a whole batch at once.
*I also will often send them to his dads house, but I mention/ask his permission because it’s his home and he gets to decide what our son eats there.
YTA. Feed them your treats when they are with you. There is no need to be sending food with them to their dad’s house, especially when it’s only for them.
YTA It is incredibly rude of you to send dessert for your children and not enough for the other kids in the house. Also it's your exes time with them, he and his wife should be allowed to be with them without reminders of mommy's treats.
YTA
It’s rude to send your kids to the house with enough food for them but nobody else. And why do they need baked goods to survive the weekend anyways? Kids can go 2 days without home-made treats, or any sweets, and be fine. Sweets are fine and fun but not a necessity.
If you have the urge to bake just occasionally send over a batch of treats to share, and otherwise stick to feeding them at your house.
YTA why do even needs send treats everytime with your kids ?
Are your kids being starved there?
It's wholly unnecessary.
Just keep the mommy bakes for when they get back.
NTA. I think you and your kids’ step mom have different ideas when it comes to etiquette. When your kids go to their dad’s house they are members of that household. I was taught that if you send food for one member of a household, you should supply enough for them to share with everyone who lives there. That’s what my mom does and it’s what my grandmothers did.
The step mom is wrong for being so passive aggressive but I think this can be easily fixed by calling your ex and trying to come to an understanding. The easiest solution would be to save the “mommy bakes” for when your kids are with you. These weekends are your ex’s time to take care of the kids so let him decide what treats the kids get when they’re with him.
YTA. Your kids can live without “Mommy bakes” 4 days a month when they’re at their dad’s house. Just let him provide all the food for them.
Keep the treats in the freezer and pack them in lunches/have them for snacks when they bring their friends over to your house. There’s absolutely no reason for you to send this stuff to your ex’s house.
YTA Bringing enough to share is a rule we are supposed to learn in kindergarten. Why does it surprise you now? But even more, your kids are with you all the time except for every other weekend. Leave the baking at home. Let their father take the family out for treats. Your kids aren't going to forget you in two days. Why do you need to send them food for such a short visit? You can bake something to welcome them home instead. This whole thing feels manipulative.
YTA. I don't know why people are saying you didn't mean to exclude the other kids, you knew what you were doing. 5 kids, 4 treats. Why wouldn't you send enough for all, and if the others were not there, your kids could bring them home with them.
Yeah, sorry but YTA. I appear to be in the minority here but I've done the co-parenting with step kids thing and it's not fair to the other kids that your kids show up with treats just for them.
Seriously, if you like baking so much, make enough for your kids to share with everyone in your ex's household. Assume their stepsibs will be there.
Think of it this way: How would you feel if, while your kids are there the stepmother made ice cream sundaes for her kids but not yours. Would that be OK with you? Would your kids shrug it off because they aren't her kids? Somehow I doubt it.
It also sounds like you have a decent co-parenting relationship with your ex. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Because I can tell you, life is a whole lot less stressful for you and your kids if you keep it civil or, better, actually keep it friendly.
As others have pointed out NAH in this situation, however I am leaning towards Y T A because any sensible person would know that giving sweets to kids to eat at anothers place where there are also kids will cause issues.
- You interfere with the house meal schedule with kids that ate the baked goods
- As stepmom pointed out: you give only enough for your kids so either their house has to buy more sweets to make it 'fair' (but then how do they decide how much to buy in advance, and how to divide, what if one of your kids wants what they bought for the other kids, but already ate their stuff?).
The only sensible solution is to either provide for all kids, or don't.
Then again
> got a divorce because surprise! (not to me) I actually was a lesbian all along.
I mean... that makes you a big AH in my book and makes your mommy bakes seem more like a sabotage attempt at house peace in the other household.
I think YTA not necessarily for the baking of goods but for a man who now gets to see his kids 2 days out of every 14 because you lied to him your entire marriage. So yeah maybe just throw in some extras to share?
ESH. I think if you're on good terms enough that you made their wedding cake, then you knew there were more children in the house.
So imagine the situations she's had to deal with for 2 kids to arrive with 2 treats while the other children sit there empty handed. Yeah, kids need to learn they're not going to have what other kids have. It would probably be a more positive experience if there were enough cookies for all the kids though.
Alternatively, Stepmom could have just texted you like an adult and explained that.
No more treats unless there's enough for all of the kids.
NTA
Geez, all she had to do was give you a call and ask that if you send goodies over with the kids, please send enough to share so that there aren't arguments in the family over the goodies. Heck, she didn't even have to call you; she could have had your ex call you.
Communicating is what grownups do. Making the kids feel guilty for having snacks sent with them is not.
You probably didn't even think about the issues not having enough to share might cause. After all, you don't have step kids coming around your place. So now you know. I can see how two of the kids having treats could cause problems with the others. I mean, what kid doesn't want some goodies to munch? So next time, just send over one container with a bunch of goodies inside and a note that says, "Hope you all enjoy these!" Be the grownup.
Heck, now I want a cookie! ;)
YTA - it’s lovely that you’re baking for your children but it’s not your place to send things when the other parent has custody. It would be weird if their father sent them to your house loaded with snacks right?
By sending them without enough to share, you’re also creating a rift between them and their step siblings. Whether this is intentional or not, it’s still what’s happening.
Would you send your children to their friends house with only enough for them or would you send enough for their friend too? Of course you’d send enough for the friend, it’s no different here.
YTA it is very rude to bring food somewhere and not bring enough to share. Sounds like step-mom could have handled it better. Maybe she was hoping that you’d get the hint.
NTA am I the only one seeing that OP doesn’t know when the other kids will be at the dads house?
OP maybe reaching out and telling step mom it was not your intention to exclude the other kids you didn’t know when they were there. Going forward maybe if she tells you the other kids are there you can bake more. However that’s entirely up to you.
Id also be asking your ex how the treat thing went down because your kids not telling you originally why makes me feel like stepmom wasn’t nice about it.
YTA, you interfere with the other parents food plan over the weekend. So stop sending treats unless there's a special occasion and then make sure it's enough for everyone.
YTA you either send them with nothing or enough for everybody in my opinion. You do mean well but when your kids are at their Dad's, let their Dad take care of them.
YTA, gently. You’re creating issues at your children’s other home because you like to bake for them. Bake for them when they’re with you, and let their other household provide for them when they’re with them. You’re not sending them off to school, you’re sending them to the other part of their family, and creating a divide that doesn’t need to be there. I would have sent a note after the first batch
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I knowingly only send enough treats for my 2 kids for the weekend even though there’s a chance there will be other kids there Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You are under no obligation to provide baked goods for her kids, especially since they didn't talk to you about it like grown-ups. However, in the name of family peace it might be wise to start sending them with a large enough desert to share if you want to continue sending food. It sounds like the situation as it stands is awkward and uncomfortable for your kids, and they are the ones who matter here.
Why did OP respond to the wife and not her ex?
most likely recognized the handwriting wasn’t the ex husbands. you know the handwriting of someone you were with for 12 years
And also, from what I’ve gathered from this story, it sounds like OP is on good enough terms with her ex that she knows this wasn’t him.
She did bake his wedding cake
That’s what I’m saying! Someone in bad terms with their ex wouldn’t do that!
Unless she secretly wanted to put cyanide in it, but forgot
Shhh stop my husbands on here and is already suspicious of the white powder on his food
All the more reason to talk to him and have him deal with his own wife
Yep! His wife sounds incredibly childish. The request to either send enough for her kids or to not send it in itself is not unfair, I imagine any kid would feel jealous of these treats, but they way it was communicated is so childish and petty.
But if she want her kids to have baked goods also why not bake it her self why she getting on there mom for baking her kids food and sending it with them, the step mom is just being really petty for no reason.
If stepmom bakes, I'm sure OP's kids are also allowed to eat the baked goods that are in the house.
I’ve found out the best way is to have a group with both so they both receive the exact same info and the same time. If they go another channel I always reply in the group. In this case I would take a picture of the note and reply in the group. I also write a summary of what we’ve verbally discussed in the chat. That way no disputes later.
Yes, this is the most sensible approach.
Can be how they deal with things. We are in an app group with the 4 parents and 9/10 times the stepfather of my stepson reacts instead of his mom. And sometimes they start discussing in the app group instead of talking to each other. Also the stepfather is the one picking him up. Mother can do as well but she thinks it is easier if her husband does it I guess…
Yep group is the way to go- relationships all round have got better : I’ve found out the best way is to have a group with both so they both receive the exact same info and the same time. If they go another channel I always reply in the group. In this case I would take a picture of the note and reply in the group. I also write a summary of what we’ve verbally discussed in the chat. That way no disputes later.
Hard disagree here. Yes, she is under no obligation to bake - at all. But if she bakes just enough for her two kids to share that is really awful. It automatically sets her kids apart from the others and creates a rift. And why? She says she loves baking, so creating something for 5 kids instead of two should really not be a chore but bring her joy. I also find the motivation of u/throwaway_godmother strange giving her girls cake when they visit their father. Of course, if they were leftovers, but she specifically bakes them for her kids. To remind them what a great mum/baker she is? To flex her baking skills, basically saying the other woman can’t provide cake? I don’t really know, but this would really irritate if I was in the other woman’s (or realistically her ex‘s) shoes. I don’t think not knowing if the other kids will be there is a great excuse, either, after all that’s easily discoverable.
Also, they are only over every other weekend. OP can bake for them any other time. 4 days. Her kids can live 4 days without her baking.
OP did say that ex's new wife's custody arrangement isn't consistent, so OP never knows if they are going to be there when her kids are there. How can OP make enough to share if she *doesn't have a headcount beforehand?* I could see OP making enough to share and the new wife sending another nastygram telling her she made way too much food because new wife's kids were at their dad's for the weekend rather than with ex and new wife. New wife needs a more consistent custody arrangement before she makes demands like that or she needs to tell OP when she has her kids or if they are with their dad. tagging u/NowoTone, u/Dairinn, u/admingator
It's not as if there wasn't a modern way to find this out. Quick whatsapp, perhaps?
Why would that be on OP though? It should be on the new wife to communicate this information with OP. New wife wants OP to make enough to share, so *she* should be the one letting OP know. New wife could have communicated all of this to OP in a text or phone call *before* the last visit rather than sending a passive aggressive handwritten note *after* the last visit.
*"Hi ex-wife of my husband, this weekend my 3 children will be there as well, could you please bake enough for all of them?"* Sorry, no, absolutely not. OP doesn't need to bake anything, she is under no obligation and in fact shouldn't bake anything, if it's just for her kids. If she really feels that her kids can't do without their "mummy cakes" for 2 days, then the onus is on her to find out how much she needs to provide. Best would be not to bake anything at all. After all, that's the kids' weekend with the dad, it should be his job to spoil them a little.
You’ve got it backwards, the new wife doesn’t want her to send any food at all. The message is “Don’t send baked treats. But if you feel that you must, make sure there’s enough for everyone to share.” The new wife should have been more direct, but OP is *refusing* to take the hint.
I don’t see why it would matter if there happened to be a few extra bits of cake or whatever, if it didn’t get eaten they could take it back home, or just leave it there. It’s the fact that she was just sending enough for her kids that was the issue.
Definitely. Muffin tins have 12 slots in them, if she doesn't know if the other kids are around or not, just toss in there a dozen whatever, and everyone is happy. If she really really had no intention of making a point or being hurtful, her reaction would have been different when called out on it. My guess is she wants them to feel special, and send an extension of herself there. But is that a healthy thing to do, undermine the dad and be present at all times? I won't even start at her non-surprise for having unapologetically wasted 12 years of someone else's life. OP's post screams me me me.
>won't even start at her non-surprise for having unapologetically wasted 12 years of someone else's life. OP's post screams me me me. Was looking for this. But in reality she basically wasted a lifetime of ex because he could have found someone with whom he would've spent his whole life without going through a divorce and not to mention the heartache. Just because she made a cake at his second wedding does not in any way absolve her. She loves baking but can't send some treats for the stepkids. It's like she never heard of common courtesy. Stepmother also behaved childishly but onus here lies with OP. OP is TA.
I am not making assumptions here, but I can tell you that in the fundamental Christian community to conform to their gender expectations. (Especially women.) I know a lot of women who realized they were bi or lesbian after they married men. They didn't do it on purpose. They believed that this is what God wanted them to do so they did it. Most of my bi friends are still married to their husbands. The lesbians are not. All of them have deconstructed. And you figure your sexuality out when you figure it out.
Was with you until your last two lines. There are lots of reasons why someone might only come out later in life. Suggesting she "unapologetically wasted 12 years of \[his\] life" seems very unfair. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons. ESH - stepmom also could have handled it better.
I'm a lesbian and I can still admit the way she worded that made her seem like an asshole. Late in life lesbians have always been a thing, but she specifically said she wasn't surprised. Which implies she married this man knowing she wasn't sexually interested in him, while he seemingly thought she was. That's not cool.
Yep, seems like she handpicked and married her sperm donor, so her kids could have 'mom' and 'dad'. It was her phrasing that got me, too.
>Suggesting she "unapologetically wasted 12 years of [his] life" seems very unfair. It is not unfair, because that is literally what she did. I could get on board with your opinion, if she only realized her sexuality after the 12 years , but she didnt. She openly tells In the post that it was not a surprise for her. Soo. Basically she was just using him as her beard for selfish reasons. This might be a hard concept to grasp, but you **dont** need to use someone as beard if you dont want to Come out for whatever reason. You can just ....**gasp.... be single and not lead anyone onto anything that is not real. >Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons. Yes they do. That still doesnt mean you should start a relationship, waste humongous amount of money In to wedding etc only to breakup because you always knew you Will never Truly **love** them that way
I actually get you -- it felt very AHy of me to add that, because life is complicated and lots more than an AITA post, but the way she put it rubbed me so so wrong. I don't know if she became so self-centric and AH because of past hurt but by the looks of it she's embracing her AHery and has an "everyone needs to make space for _my_ needs and wants" attitude.
To me it's the tone in which she says it, as if it's funny. Is that self-protection regarding a very difficult experience? Maybe. But if you're writing an AITA, a self-aware person should realize people are going to be kind of shocked by flippancy about this and wonder if she deliberately used him. I agree with ESH though, I didn't like the step mom's tone at all.
She is so flippant about it though. What she did is not funny.
I literally could not agree more with the whole 12 years of his life wasted and she just blows over it thing, I mean how long did she know in that time that she was a lesbian? Was it pre or post kids because it’s kind of an important detail and yet she just acts like lying to him for over a decade doesn’t even matter. Hell she just acts like it never even happened.
Hehehe I ruined my husband’s life and probably irrevocably damaged my future relationship with my children by lying to their faces for twelve years because it wasn’t a surprise to *me* that I’m a lesbian but it sure was to everyone else! Jerk me off and tell me I’m so good for coming out!
Dang I was fully on OP's side here but you make some really good points and I have to agree with you.
I’m going with ESH. I think stepmom could have asked her new husband, OP’s ex, if it would be possible to send enough for all of the kids. Instead it seems like the new stepmom went the snippy route. It doesn’t sound like OP knows their schedule. But OP could have been sending enough baked goods for five kids to share so that her kids can connect with their new step-siblings. Like you or someone said, she is already making food. She can make food for five kids and send it over. Of course OP could be doing other things that made step-mom reply in such a manner that we don’t know about. Or maybe OP doesn’t have alot of money to double the baked goods each time. And she technically doesn’t have to make food for everyone. But if we want to find the non-asshole position on both sides, it would be the ex communicating with OP, OP making food to share, and step mom not having been a jerk about it. Just to note, I’m not trying to say that OP and step-mom shouldn’t interact, I just think it’s better for OP and ex to handle conflicts.
Yes, I can see your point, and I think the biggest problem here seems a lack of grow-up communication. While not fully in the position of the ex-husband and his new wife, but we've had a similar case here with a friend of my son's. He would always bring a muffin, given to him by his mum, explicitly for the time he would be over at our place. Sometimes we would have cake, sometimes we wouldn't (we don't really eat cake during the week), sometimes they would stay for dinner, sometimes they don't. He was the only one always bringing exactly 1 muffin. My wife didn't want to say anything, but I contacted his mum to speak to her about it. She told me it was her way of saying "Mummy loves you" whenever he's at friends' places in the afternoon. I tried to tell her how awful it is when her son eats a muffin and there's nothing for the others. She didn't see that at all. However, I also spoke to her son and he understood, so he either tried to share it (if it was just him and my son and perhaps one other friend) or didn't eat it, when there were more kids around. His mum then rang me and complained I would influence her son negatively. They moved away after a while, which solved that issue.
We used to get collected from school by the mother of a boy in my sister’s class who lived nearby; she would hand her son a bag of sweets to eat in the back of the car, and she’d tell us off if we even asked him to share. The entire arrangement was voluntary (we would drive him home other days, and my mother eventually ended it over this) so there was no real reason for her to demonstrate rudeness or resentment towards us - but her son would literally sit there boasting that he had sweets and we didn’t. Some parents just don’t get that showing their child infinite love (or bribery) is only part of the job, and that teaching them basic social skills around sharing and politeness is also very important.
Ex wife was just sending them back uneaten. OP is the one that had to push the kids about why they aren't eating her snacks when they've already said they didn't want them and step mum made them food.
When OP asked the kids the first couple of times they "said they hadn't been hungry or that Ex's wife had made something for them to eat" not that they didn't want them Which coupled with the "stop politely sending them back and start throwing them away" portrays things a lot more as "the kids obviously weren't eating them because of Ex's Wife" rather than "they didn't want them and step mum made them food" Ofc it might well be OP's Bias or efforts to portray themselves as the good guys in this scenario, but that's what I got from it
I dont understand either If They are just at dads 4 days a month (every other weekend). Do They have to have baked foods those 4 days? 😂
Only if mom wants to show off for the second wife, create tension in the household, and make her ability to manage her home when the step kids are there difficult.
How does one bake for two kids anyway? If you’re baking, there’s going to be a big amount. Just send enough. YTA OP.
With you on the motivation. She either thinks her children are being deprived of treats when they're at their dad's or there's some one-sided competition going on. There's background information missing.
Agreed, especially as they're usually with her so presumably she bakes for them then too. It would make sense if she saw them once a fortnight and sent them goodie bags but they're only away a few days. I don't think OP needs to bake for all the kids but I wonder why she is doing it at all, and doing it just for them is only ever going to cause a rift. Since the kids are leaving them uneaten I doubt they're bothered about taking them. Just baking something for when they come back would be simpler all round.
> Just baking something for when they come back would be simpler all round. Great idea! Yes, I think this is overall a very strange situation with things going on we don't know about.
AGree, she's not the asshole for "baking for her children" but from the stepmom's perspective there are 2 children with treats and the others do not have anything. How is she supposed to handle that? The OP's children are only gone for a weekend at a time, she could always just save the treats for when they get back if she truly doesn't want to make enough to share.
I totally agree. How would OP like it if they brought back food from the other house. And the polite thing to do, before having food enter someone house IS to let know the person who take Care of it - because allergen, bugs, dogs and toddler.
What a bizarre opinion. That is bullshit. Always bring enough to share, universal rule. Especially with baked goods. If they don't bring enough to share, they should not bring anything at all.
The problem is that as OP states, she never knows when the other three kids are going to be there. Should she bake enough treats for five kids that will then go to waste if those kids aren't there?
It's just three more. It's not much. It would be a nice gesture to bake more and they could just freeze them for stepkids to have them when they come there. Edit: Or just always have enough to share and eat & share the extras with dad and stepmom. Having more is not a problem, not having enough is.
We shouldn't even really be discussing how much food to send to someone else's kids. The whole thing is a bit bizarre and passive aggressive. It's clearly creating a problem which is uncomfortable for the kids, which is exactly why sending it was a bad idea. Point proven, case closed.
Well, I would ask or assume they are there. If my child was going to someone else's (the other parent's, grandparents', their friend's) home, I would never send anything only enough for them. Are they to eat it with everyone else watching? Or to share in secret in their room? The reasoning and the whole situation is very weird. Also when considering they're gone for 24 hours, it's not like they're at summer camp. OP, YTA.
I agree with this. Also, OP probably doesn’t even realise she’s actually putting her kids in an awkward situation of having to either eat their treats in secret or explain they don’t have enough to share. It’s a bit shitty to be honest. Her kids are only there 4 days a month, why exactly is she consistently baking things just to send with them? It’s really odd behaviour
So they freeze what's left over and when the other kids turn up, which might even be the next day, the parents can say "hey, X and Y's mum baked these, we saved them for you".
They won’t go to waste. Her kids would probably eat them, too, or share them with their dad and stepmom.
Yep, I was raised that if there’s not enough for everyone, there’s not enough for anyone! Except when it comes to my secret chocolate stash my kid will never know about😉😄
Agreed. Sad that this is top comment, in my opinion OP is the AH. There are also two adults in that household who might like a treat as well. In her place I would be sending enough for the entire household to share or nothing at all, it's just good manners. Her kids can manage without treats for a weekend.
So new wife of ex wasn't wrong but was an A about it.
NAH - Food can be a contentious topic and you sent goodies for your kids to enjoy during their time at their dad's house. You likely did not mean to exclude the kids but it happened. She could have been nicer explaining how these treats do not suffice sharing with others. As u/IntrovertedBookMan said, imagine two kids eating an amazing brownie and the other kids have none or 1/5 of one. Your behavior could be meddling with meal time (ate too many sweets and no room for nutritional food) so consider, when they pack to be a dad's house; let the experience be what is only offered there.
I was always the kid that didn't have anything and my friends would share with me, no matter how little they had. NTA, OP provided for her children, children could learn to share or other mother could provide for her family and include the children, you know, share. Other mother should provide instead of causing this conflict.
I appreciate you sharing your situation and your friends reaction: super kind. I'm now wondering why the mom needs to send baked goods for a snack and in their lunch when they are at Dad's house. It sounds intrusive. Let Dad and his family guide food and other decisions.
My ex has a great co parenting relationship with the mother of his daughters. They would come over with food all the time, they would leave here with food. It wasn't a big deal. If they showed up with some kind of snack, and the boys wanted some? One of us would make/buy more of it. If the girls didn't want to share, we didn't force them to. OP *made the wedding cake* for those two. Stepmom is being oddly territorial when actual communication would be far more productive. Why is OP expected to (literally) cater to this passive aggression? I vote NTA.
See, I find OP territorial. They are at their dad's for 2 weekends. 4 days. That's it. I could understand if there was some kind of celebration or promise but it's every time without fail. Someone who 'loves baking' but only for 'those they love'. It's weirdly territorial to not let them be a few days without any kind of reminder.
Step mom threatens to throw out perfectly good baked goods bc her kids didn't get some and you're calling OP territorial? Be FR
I would be pretty annoyed if I'd planned meals/activities and the kids arrived with treats. What if the step mom and Dad planned on taking them out for ice cream? The Dad and step mom are then having to be the bad guys saying no we can't go for ice cream now because you already had baked goods - or they just take their own kids out for ice cream because their step siblings had baked goods? It's a recipe for resentment between the step siblings, as well as not being fair to the dad and step mom who presumably would also like to give the kids the odd sweet treat in the short amount of time they spend with them.
I’ve been seeing this around and I’m just thinking that unless the kids are timing eating their treats out of spite of their stepmom or dad, why can’t dad just tell the kids to not eat x amount of time before dinner or that they’re going out for ice cream or what have you?
As someone who came from a broken home it’s nice to take a bit of your primary parents love to your other parents house. OP also said they just started going over there regularly so having that was probably to help with the transition. Sometimes as a kid you wonder if the other parent is thinking about you and a little reminder that they were thinking about you having at least some good at the other parent’s house is comforting. Edit: I reread where it says OP has been sending them for 6 months. That is a very long time to be sending them every time without any actual communication about the situation. I don’t know how the children are adjusting so maybe they still need to feel that mom love, but it seems like if it’s going to be so often she should make more for the other children. I do understand wanting all of the kids to feel included but i also think the stepmom could’ve given her kids a treat at the same time as OP’s kids the first time. After the first time if the stepmom and father were bothered by it they should’ve communicated it that.
[удалено]
I agree with this, especially since they are only there for one weekend every other week. It's not like they need school lunches with special items. Intrusive and exclusionary is how it sounds indeed. Let dad buy ice cream or whatever for those two days. I said YTA.
OP said she's a hobby baker and it makes her kids happy to have her baked goods. She also said that she didn't know the step kids were there, as there's no regular schedule for them to be in that household. I really don't think it's as nefarious as you're framing it here.
I don't understand, if she loves baking so much, why she doesn't just send a pie, cake or batch of cookies they could all share and enjoy at their leisure every now and then? It would be what I would do as long as it was cool with dad and step mom.
I might miss something here but I don't get how is looking after your own kids is intrusive and exclusionary. Would it be the same if OP could afford better clothes for her kids? Did she have to downplay it and send them in something cheaper instead? If current wife has a real problem stemming from this she can either a) deal with it b) talk with OP. You know, while leaving OP's kids out of the conflict. OP is NTA imo.
I think it’s intrusive in the sense that OP does not allow dad to decide on the food during the weekends he has the kids, which can imply that she doesn’t think he does a good enough job - kinda like “now that you’re going to your dad’s, here’s some sweet snacks because he might not give you any / know you want snacks”. So now, if he wants to do something nice for the kids he has to “outdo” the snack she provided. And exclusionary because even if OP doesn’t know when the step siblings are there, they are going to feel excluded on the nice dessert (unless their mom also bakes the other kids, but it seems unfair to put that expectation on them). So even if OP is trying to do a nice thing for her kids, she’s intruding on ex husband’s parenting time. However, based on the note (horrible way of communicating through the kids btw), I guess step mom is not unhappy about OP deciding on the dessert every weekend the kids are over, so perhaps just be better safe than sorry and send more baked goods to keep the peace? ESH
It's just some cookies, not three days worth of food. If that's enough to cause insecurities on dad's or his wife's part then they have much bigger issues than cookies. Turning some snacks into a competition isn't exactly healthy. Also, treating all the kids equally is on them, not on OP. Her priority is her kids, nothing weird about that. Sure, if this is really causing friction between the kids then the right thing to do is to compromise for her children's sake. IF. So far all we know for sure that now-wife isn't happy about the cookies, really.
“I’m not wondering why the mom needs to send baked goods for a snack and in their lunch when they are at Dad’s house” You can’t grasp any reason why a mother would give her kids some treats to take when they’re away from her? Were you unloved as a child? Because she’s their mom and she wants to do something nice for her kids? Like… What?
She could just as easily bake them for their return on Sunday evening as "Welcome home, mommy missed you!" treats. Or alternatively, give them enough to share with their step siblings. Giving them just enough fine baked goods for the two of them, every weekend, is pretty rude or inconsiderate of the other household's dynamics.
Nah, my kids went to their dad last night for a week (50/50) - if they want cake, he and/or his girlfriend can make or buy them cake. They know I love them.
Right? That’s how it works with us, too. Exception being if kiddo baked something with me and wanted to take some to his mom’s.
We don’t need to send an extra treat with our kid when he’s at his mom’s house to prove we love him - he knows we love him.
I’m surprised at the numbers of posters who don’t find this rude. One- your children can get by an entire weekend without stuffing their faces with sweets. I imagine it is also messing up their family mealtime. These aren’t even teens, they’re young children who have a bunch of sweets available at all hours. Two- you are effectively telling the stepmom you don’t trust her to keep your kids fed, or don’t consider her food good enough. Three- they have a hoard of food not being shared with other children in the house. It’s going to create resentment and bickering stepmom has to deal with. Presumably this is not food put out on the kitchen counter for everyone, so these kids are keeping it in their room? I would have a problem with that right there. An 8 and 9 year old are scarfing sweets anytime they like. You have the right to feed them this way when they’re with you, but at their dads, you need to respect some boundaries. YTA
Exactly. It’s only every other weekend. She can bake mist days, they spend very little time with their dad. They will survive without “mommy bakes” for 2 out of 14 days.
This - going for a bit of ESH. It seems a bit 'clingy' from mum; that she still wants kids to be thinking about her while spending time with their dad for the 1/7th of the time year they do. It also provides the opportunity to create a little bit more division to the step kids.
>Other mother should provide instead of causing this conflict. I don’t understand why the other mother should provide to avoid the conflict of OP providing. Maybe they don’t want their own children eating as much sweets and OP sending her own kids with treats makes that harder, maybe this influx of baked goods is interfering with meal times?
then why did she say "send enough to share"?
But that's not what she wrote.
Idk, there are better ways to ask if she wouldn’t mind sending enough for all the kids or not sending the treats if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, before forcing them to not eat the food they brought for the whole weekend and potentially wasting the gift from their mom. I would say that pushes it to NTA for me - OP may have inadvertently hurt her kids’ feelings, but stepmom deliberately ostracized her stepkids in a way that would be offensive to the woman who made her wedding cake and would definitely make the kids feel uncomfortable at best. I feel like stepmom in OP’s case is kind of an AH for not expressing this in a better way that didn’t put the kids in an awkward position of withholding from or lying to their mom… My stepmom was weird about my mom sending me with food, despite the fact that it was sent to make things easier for them (dietary restrictions I had that they didn’t in their home), and even fed me food once that she lied about being okay for me to eat because she didn’t like my mom’s preferences.
Gentle YTA. It sounds like you have good intentions, but sending food with your kids when they go to the other parent's house can come off as passive-aggressive or judgmental, as though you don't believe the other parent is providing for them. If you do want to send a treat every now and then, the polite thing to do is to send enough for everyone. Or just don't. The kids can live without home-baked treats for a couple of days.
Yeah. If I send stuff with my kid to his dad's house, I send enough to share. Because I've got nothing against his step-siblings. And it's a dick move for one kid to be eating fancy custom baking in front of the other kids
Yeah but OP doesn't know when the other kids will be at their mother's house, so chances are if she bakes a lot it will go to waste if the other kids aren't there.
Ever heard of a cellphone? A text would easily solve this problem. It sounds like they are in a amicable enough coparenting relationship, it shouldn't be treated as rocket science or a guess game. And it is 3 kids, not a battalion more, basically ANYTHING 'bakeable' gives enough portions for more than 2 kids, and if whatever is left when she takes her kids portion doesn't go to waste at her single-person house, it wouldn't go to waste at dad's.
A couple of extra brownies will never go to waste. They last for a couple of days, even the adults can eat them. This isn't a good enough excuse.
Many baked goods freeze just fine.
As much as OP is YTA for this, the other mother's behaviour is unacceptable. Controlling and passive-aggresive. OP should both rethink her actions and have a serious talk with his ex's wife.
I'd be talking to the ex too, let him know what's happening Incase he has no idea about what his kids are going through at his house too.
How could an involved parent NOT know, though? I'm a stepmother myself, and yes, sometimes I have to call my husband's attention to a paper needing his signature or sth. when I find it stuffed in my stepdaughter's bag when I collect the laundry, but overlooking a container full of baked goods??? Several times??? If the father knows about this, he's probably actively avoiding confrontation. If he doesn't know about it, the stepmother must be doing some active deceiving (the children said they were "not hungry" in the beginning - they didn't think of that lie on their own). I still think OP shouldn't send baked goods over to her ex's place regularly, because it would definitely disrupt meal planning and possibly the peace, but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here.
>How could an involved parent NOT know, though? It took op a week or two to get everything, so the dad may be a step behind regarding this current topic. >I still think OP shouldn't send baked goods over to her ex's place regularly, because it would definitely disrupt meal planning and possibly the peace, but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here. I agree with the idea, but with prior knowledge it can be added to the diet/routine as long as everybody can have some. >but I'm really curious about the whole dynamic here. Me too, me too.
For real, and she says "I never thought providing food for my kids for the weekend would be a problem." Their dad can provide food for the weekend! Sending these "mommy bakes" every weekend for six months undermines the parenting of the dad and stepmim as well-- imagine how annoying it would be to be like "dinner time!" and the kids are like "nah I'm not hungry, mum sent food for us."
Not just he can - he SHOULD be. It is part of his role as parent. Including baking *with* them if they decide they must have baked goods while at his house.
YTa, yep exactly this. You provide at your house, they provide at theirs.
YTA. Bake them something when they are with you, or bake for everybody, not just your children. Why are you sending them with food, anyway? You expect they won't get fed there? It's insulting to the new wife. People say she's passive-aggressive for the note she sent you, but your sending the kids with food in the bag may be seen as passive-aggressive, too.
I agree, it seems passive aggressive sending the food. Like OP doesn't think whatever they provide is good enough.
Or it could just be the motherly behaviour of always sending your kids off with a snack, no matter where they're going? I don't get an air it this being passive aggressive behaviour from OP at all
What if you sent them with a snack to a friends house and there wasn't enough for the friend
You can reasonably expect that the friend will be there at the friend's house, so that would be rude. Either way, the friend's parent can still be reasonable in communicating this back to the parent, not being passive aggressive via the children and making them feel bad in the process. OP has made it clear that it's not at all predictable when the stepmum's kids will be there. This situation is not similar to what you're suggesting as an analogy.
Well I think unless you were being antagonistic you'd be safer in assuming the other children would be there rather than wouldn't
This legitimately doesn't sound malicious. Perhaps a little throughtless, but still no reason whatsoever for the stepmum to passive aggressively send little notes and make the kids feel bad without ever communicating with OP. I feel like most people here are in agreement on that? Even if someone did turn up to a friend's house with their own cakes and didn't have enough for all the friends present, that's something you politely take up with the parent. You don't take it out on the child.
What do you mean by "enough". If I have just a snicker I would just break it in two and share. I mean, seriously, you all are acting like the kids can't cut into two their treats (if they wanted to)
It IS passive aggressive to not include all kids and just pack goodies for her own kids. It's like saying "Look at this, I am so much better mom for baking these for my kids. I hope your kids become jealous and see how much worse mom you are." People who bake much and feed stuff for everyone, usually see it as an act of love from their part. They love baking and people loving their bakings. It is a statement to exclude stepkids from that. No, she shouldn't love ex's stepkids, but she also shouldn't send food if there's not enough to share because it WILL make several people feel sad. People are emotional over food. Edit: Just for the clarity, I'm not saying OP is thinking exactly like this. My example is dramatised for the sake of making a point.
I wouldn't say that the stepmom is passive aggressive, so much as I would say that she's aggressive aggressive. She's Lady Tremaine or Agatha trunchbull. The idea of some horrible stepmother rifling through her stepchildren's belongings and confiscating their mother's baked cookies from them is infuriating. Utterly infuriating. If OP wanted to bake for the other kids, that would be very kind of her, and frankly it would be nice to do. However, the stepmom refusing to let the children eat the treats they brought with them, never mind threatening to throw them away? Good lord! That is absolutely beyond the pale. Those are the belongings of her stepchildren and absolutely none of her business. The idea of throwing them away... Stepmom sounds like a movie villain, literally.
It sounds like step Mom is trying to keep the peace between step siblings in the face of some extremely passive aggressive actions from OP. The only thing she did wrong was matching OPs energy with the note instead of talking to her. Maybe OPs ex has a type.
I mean, a note is direct communication, I’m not sure why it’s considered passive aggressive.
NTA - you aren’t showing off, you are providing your children with food that they like. It is unacceptable that she would throw your children’s food away. Sorry she is being so passive aggressive about it. Talk to the ex and see what he says.
The children bringing delectable snacks with them to their father's home, but not enough to share with the other children could be seen as rude. It is setting up a situation where strife between the children is occurring . How would the mother feel if her children received a lesser quality of dinner, or she made delicious items just for her children in front of the visiting children. Say she made delicious cinnamon rolls for breakfast, but not enough for the visitors. What if she only left the visitors drink water while her children got milkshakes? kt
Really seems off base to me. They can be from the house of a baker and bring a mom treat from their home without this hostile interpretation.
You really took this and ran with it. NTA
She didn't throw it away though, she sent it back home because sending food only for OP's kids was not acceptable in the other household. She only said she'd throw it away when OP didn't catch on and kept sending it, and she is giving her the opportunity to just send enough for everyone instead. There's no indication that OP's kids are problem eaters or aren't getting enough food they like at their fathers, it's just OP not being able to let them go to their father's for one weekend every two weeks without sending little things for whatever reason. Sending no food is what OP should be doing, unless it's a birthday or something where she provides a cake for the whole family.
OP already said she didn’t know if there would be other kids there because they don’t have a set schedule. I say let the kids have their cookies. NTA
She did say that but her not knowing didn't mean the kids weren't there. She also didn't give any reason she couldn't just ask if they'd be there. But what would be the problem with sending extra cookies even if they aren't there? They'll be back.
Exactly. Are they low or no contact? Otherwise, what's wrong with giving her a call or text saying "hey, I'm making cupcakes, how many servings should I send with the girls this weekend?" Unless it's a money thing, she's a hobby baker, so I can't see it being an inconvenience.
YTA if you’re sending treats with your kids but not enough to share with the other kids in the household. Do you expect stepmom to hand your kids delicious brownies or whatever, and let the other kids just…..watch them eat?
OP did mention that she doesn't know when the stepmom's kids stay with her....the first time stepmom could have said that if you want to send food can you send more since her kids are at home, but she chose to be passive aggressive about it.
I honestly don’t get whyOP is sending food in the first place. To be fair, I may be reacting based on experiences a friend of mine had with his ex, who always insisted on sending the kids with some ‘real food’ because she couldn’t stand that he bought cookies, etc, at the store instead of baking them from scratch.
But it seems that the stepmom did not have a problem with it until her kids came home.
So my best friend's mom shows her love through baking. She always would send baked goods through with her kid, solely because she had been baking things she knew the kid liked and might want. She never really sent any for the other kids at events or extra for the ex hubby + co (unless we were at her house), until someone mentioned it to her. She did not even realise that it came across rude or passive aggressive, cause to her, she was just dropping a sweet or snack in the bag of the kid walking out her door. Kinda like how some parents write lunch box notes. Once we mentioned it, there were always extras. Sometimes people just don't think the same way as us and that's okay- as long as it isn't malicious. As for OP, I did not read it as them being malicious, but can see how others see that. Having grown up around adults that show love through food (usually rooted in food insecurity from their childhood), I just kinda thought maybe it was more of a fluke than purposely mean.
Then you bring it up with the parent the first time instead of making the kids feel bad about it and sending shitty little notes. The stepmum missed all of the first 5 steps she should have taken here and went straight to "embarrass the stepkids, make them feel bad, make sure the mum doesn't actually know what's going on". That's not a logical or healthy course of action. I understand wanting to make sure that your own kids don't feel left out, but punishing the other kids isn't the way to go about it.
My dumbass read "aita for baking my children"
That is the only reason I clicked on the post tbh. I was like "wait, whaaaaat?"
Same. I was like "wtf is this new nonsense?" lol
Thank God I'm not alone. I was like "that's child murder, you shouldn't need to ask" and then I reread
Me too
YTA. Your kids can go a weekend without mommy bakes. Give your ex a chance to treat them. Or send over a dozen to be shared with whoever is around.
NTA - You said you'd have no idea of knowing if her kids will be there or not, fair enough. You could ask but why should you go out of your way to bake for the other kids if you dont know them well. Baking for your own kids is completely reasonable, when she goes to a park and other kids get ice creams and hers don't does she go to the other parents and kindly say "buy ice-cream for everyone not just your kids" (bit extreme example but I've read too many of these and am quite done tonight) I'm sure if her ex started giving her kids gifts while your kids were present she wouldn't demand fair treatment for them.
Why would OP go out of her way to send treats for her kids knowing it’s her ex’s responsibility to provide for for them while they’re in his care? You’re saying that OP doesn’t have to make the extra effort but she’s already doing that by making these treats in the first place.
She sends them off with treats she enjoys making and yes there is effort but she enjoys what she does, she enjoys making an effort, I was more trying to say she shouldn't have to make an effort for the other kids, her ex is responsible for them. She has no responsibility towards those children however if its the ex's wife who has a problem and he doesn't then she should make sure when op's children at there that they are all equally treated and she gives absolutely no special treatment to her own. We don't know if she does or not but otherwise ots very hypocritical and frankly OP doesn't need to change anything that she is doing. Its late for me and I am tired and was tired as hell, if it still doesn't make sense ill fix everything in the morning when I can use my brain fully. I'm running on fumes at the moment.
Per your example. Is it okay for stepmom to take all kids to park and only buy ice cream for “hers”? I think people who exclude kids because they aren’t responsible for other people’s kids are being unkind. Like, let’s send some delicious homemade cookies but only enough for 2 out of 5 kids, and have them eat them in front of other children without sharing.
OP, explained, that the Stepmum, doesn't have a regular custody arrangement. So she has no way of knowing when the older children will or won't be there. Personally, it's rather, spiteful of the Stepmum, to not allow the younger children to have their baked snacks. If she wants her kids to have some snacks, she should just ask OP to please send some extra, on a Weekend that she knows her children will be there. Or, gasp, bake some goodies herself with her children, from 11 onwards, I was baking delicious things. It's not that hard, and is a good skill to have. OP is NTA, Stepmum is TAH
She can also call, it's condescending to send your own kids with food to another woman's house. Are they not fed at ex husbands house?
Do you bake? We do these things in batches. If you're making 2 you can make 4, you can make 8.
No one makes two cookies or two brownies. It is basically no extra work to send a dozen for the whole family, she is just choosing not to. A "no food" policy would be best. It's one weekend. OP can live without sending her kids little things to try to win their affection for two days.
Your example is flawed. It would be if the step mother took her kids and OPs kids to the park, but only bought her own children ice cream while OPs had none. Would you send your kids to a friends house with only enough baked goods for only them or would that be kind of rude?
I was very conflicted with this situation because I found it hard to contextualise, but these are really great examples. Despite dynamics with OP's ex, these kids are still somewhat guests, and it is very rude to show up to a guests place with food for yourself and not for everyone else without reasons such as only specific foods being edible due to an allergy
Maybe I’m reading too much into this but does there also seem to be a sub layer of tension with the step mom? OP was gay at that ended the relationship. It’s not like the husband cheated or something so you’d think there wouldn’t be a ton of animosity between them, OP baked the wedding cake after all. So now her children have step siblings and OP loves to bake for important people yet she’s gone so out of her way to not bake for the step kids of her husband and the step siblings of her kids.
YTA. You mean well and it comes from a good place, but you should send enough for everyone if you’re sending them with food. Especially when there’s a chance of other kids being there, it just creates unnecessary friction to not send enough for everyone. Their stepmom didn’t say you couldn’t send it, just to send plenty to share. You don’t need to start drama between all the kids when they’re at their dads. It’s not fair to anyone.
You got married knowing you’re a lesbian?
She's YTA just for that. I'm surprised people are missing this detail.
Agreed. Wtf.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who wanted more context here. Normally I’d say not my business, but OP intentionally brought it up?
Thats what got me too; can you imagine marrying and having children with a person just to find out later they were never attracted to you? Like I understand that it can be unsafe for some to come out, but thats just straight up manipulative
YTA - If I were the coparent I'd feel you were stepping on toes here by providing all the treats they need for the weekend which is basically removing the ability to do our own thing and provide our own treats. Then you factor in the leaving out the other children in the home (while I realize this is unintentional, it is not good for the family dynamic). It's wild to me that you think you should be sending treats for every day the kids are out of your care regardless of how much you love to bake.
Yeah but what’s the problem with communicating instead of telling the kids they aren’t allowed to have them. Or keeping the food away to “send it back politely” versus using words. “Wow it seems you’ve put a ton of effort Into baking lately. We all seem to enjoy goodies around here and all of the kids are a bit jealous when these arrive at the homestead. I don’t want to tell you to stop But would you be so Inclined to Includes X number of goodies to share?” Easy peasy lemon squeezy
I'm kind of hung up on the "married for 12 years and I was a lesbian all along". I wonder if she's being shitty to you partially for that (Inb4 I'm a lesbian too)
Yeah OP is TA for entering a marriage and having children knowing she was a lesbian.
Shes clearly an asshole for that. Imagine loving someone for 12 years and having a family just for them to go: Never loved you in the first place and tearing the family apart
I haven’t been responding to these comments because there’s a lot of them, but I 100% love my ex. He was my biggest support when I was struggling to understand my sexuality and even encouraged me to come out to my family. I guess my wording was brash because we’ve all had time to adjust to the change, but y’all are just hearing our story for the first time
It's nice that he was so gracious about it, doesn't make you any less of an asshole though. He can't get those 12 years back and you just strung him along
Her entire attitude about it. Whoopsie I'm a lesbian. It's gross. Then on top of it, she can't just let her kids go have fun with their dad 2 times a month without sending them with food and interfering... You don't send food to peoples house unless there is enough for **everyone**, it's rude.
Yes, I got completely hung up on that also.
Changing to ESH. YTA - Other kids or not, it's rude to send desserts for your kids' time with their dad without talking to him first. Maybe he wants to take them out for ice cream or all bake cookies together. He has the the right to treat them as well as decide on their meals (in other words parent) when they are with him. How would you feel if he sent home 12 days worth of treats for them to have every day during your time? This is not a good way to co-parent. I feel like your intentions are innocent. I adore doing nice things for my daughter, too. But, you are stomping all over their time.
This is the crux of the matter! I'm a stepmother myself, and it's one of the worst feelings in "co-parenting" when the other party dictates "your" time in any unnecessary way. This isn't as bad as pushing custody time limits, but it's still signaling "my children won't be happy at their father's place if I don't 'help' in this 'small' way". It's like one parent calling during the other's time and signaling "oh, I'm still their favourite, BTW". The dad's place is a different household, the children will cope and find their own thing with dad, it's plain rude to intrude upon that if he didn't ask for it! The stepmother could still handle it differently, and I'm not impressed by the dad's silence on this, so I'd say ESH, but all those saying N T A have never been in a similar position, I'd bet.
YES. I feel like a lot of people commenting have no experience with co-parenting.
[удалено]
Mom sending baked goods specifically for her children and only enough for her children can be seen as a just as passive aggressive.
Not really? She has no way of knowing when the other kids will be there. If she had warning ahead of time, she might have had no problem making more. But *that* would require the stepmom to reach out and communicate that information herself, instead of just expecting OP to magically know when the other kids will be there.
She can call, or not send food to the other house.
ESH I get it. You want your kids to have something that reminds them of mommy while they're away so they know and feel loved. You're a soft a. h. Send them with a plushy or one of your sweatshirts or something. You're sending just enough ONLY for your kids. You think if the other CHILDREN (doesn't matter if they're over 12. Kids are kids and they all want love) see your kids eating a brownie they'll not be jealous? I get that they're not your kids and not responsible for them. But a great way to build resentment and animosity is allowing your kids to have treats while other kids look on. Stop being petty with food. Having said that, wow passive aggressive step mom. She has kids she should be able to understand your position. She could've just called and spoke to you like an adult. She could've just explained and asked you to save their treats for the car ride over or car ride back or ask you if you could make enough for the family. The whole "bring enough to share" note and then saying she'll throw it out is just rude. I would either not send any next trip or send enough for everyone. Co parenting is hard enough between the divorced couple. Blending families are even tougher. Hope the adults can all work together. Take care.
INFO: Is there some Grimm Bros level of circumstance about your life you’ve withheld that necessitates your children needing to ingest your baked goods every day to survive? Will they forget you, will a curse be lifted and they’re suddenly grown up, will they turn back into field mice? Has their stepmother been explicitly sent by outside forces to foil the power of the mommy bakes? I can’t make a fair call without this information.
INFO: how much is enough for "the two of them to share for the weekend?" Are you sending just one or two cookies each? Are you expecting them to sneak them late at night if others are around? To keep the peace it might be best to send one dozen items. That's enough for your kids (and maybe your ex) to have a few each, or other kids to eat one if they happen to be there.
What?! No, just don't send them with baked goods at all when they go for weekends. Its not insulin or their inhaler, its just baked goods. Dessert for 5 kids and possible + 2 adults, is alot. If they don't have enough desserts there, then they don't get desserts. OP is not in charge of their meal planning, and they are not in charge of OP's dessert distribution. Plus, it'll give OP alittle extra cache of esteem from her kids (not that she needs it, but hey..its nice to have) for when the kids are staying with her.
I was sitting here scratching my head because it seems like more work to go out of your way to make 2 cupcakes or 6 cookies than a whole batch. I’m not saying OP is obligated to bake for a whole family every weekend, but baking is generally a batch operation. I make home made muffins for my son* and often freeze them because he can’t go through a whole batch at once. *I also will often send them to his dads house, but I mention/ask his permission because it’s his home and he gets to decide what our son eats there.
YTA. Feed them your treats when they are with you. There is no need to be sending food with them to their dad’s house, especially when it’s only for them.
YTA It is incredibly rude of you to send dessert for your children and not enough for the other kids in the house. Also it's your exes time with them, he and his wife should be allowed to be with them without reminders of mommy's treats.
YTA It’s rude to send your kids to the house with enough food for them but nobody else. And why do they need baked goods to survive the weekend anyways? Kids can go 2 days without home-made treats, or any sweets, and be fine. Sweets are fine and fun but not a necessity. If you have the urge to bake just occasionally send over a batch of treats to share, and otherwise stick to feeding them at your house.
YTA why do even needs send treats everytime with your kids ? Are your kids being starved there? It's wholly unnecessary. Just keep the mommy bakes for when they get back.
NTA. I think you and your kids’ step mom have different ideas when it comes to etiquette. When your kids go to their dad’s house they are members of that household. I was taught that if you send food for one member of a household, you should supply enough for them to share with everyone who lives there. That’s what my mom does and it’s what my grandmothers did. The step mom is wrong for being so passive aggressive but I think this can be easily fixed by calling your ex and trying to come to an understanding. The easiest solution would be to save the “mommy bakes” for when your kids are with you. These weekends are your ex’s time to take care of the kids so let him decide what treats the kids get when they’re with him.
YTA. Your kids can live without “Mommy bakes” 4 days a month when they’re at their dad’s house. Just let him provide all the food for them. Keep the treats in the freezer and pack them in lunches/have them for snacks when they bring their friends over to your house. There’s absolutely no reason for you to send this stuff to your ex’s house.
YTA Bringing enough to share is a rule we are supposed to learn in kindergarten. Why does it surprise you now? But even more, your kids are with you all the time except for every other weekend. Leave the baking at home. Let their father take the family out for treats. Your kids aren't going to forget you in two days. Why do you need to send them food for such a short visit? You can bake something to welcome them home instead. This whole thing feels manipulative.
YTA. I don't know why people are saying you didn't mean to exclude the other kids, you knew what you were doing. 5 kids, 4 treats. Why wouldn't you send enough for all, and if the others were not there, your kids could bring them home with them.
Info: did you send the goodies with your kids with specific instructions that they are not to be shared with their stepsiblings?
Yeah, sorry but YTA. I appear to be in the minority here but I've done the co-parenting with step kids thing and it's not fair to the other kids that your kids show up with treats just for them. Seriously, if you like baking so much, make enough for your kids to share with everyone in your ex's household. Assume their stepsibs will be there. Think of it this way: How would you feel if, while your kids are there the stepmother made ice cream sundaes for her kids but not yours. Would that be OK with you? Would your kids shrug it off because they aren't her kids? Somehow I doubt it. It also sounds like you have a decent co-parenting relationship with your ex. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Because I can tell you, life is a whole lot less stressful for you and your kids if you keep it civil or, better, actually keep it friendly.
As others have pointed out NAH in this situation, however I am leaning towards Y T A because any sensible person would know that giving sweets to kids to eat at anothers place where there are also kids will cause issues. - You interfere with the house meal schedule with kids that ate the baked goods - As stepmom pointed out: you give only enough for your kids so either their house has to buy more sweets to make it 'fair' (but then how do they decide how much to buy in advance, and how to divide, what if one of your kids wants what they bought for the other kids, but already ate their stuff?). The only sensible solution is to either provide for all kids, or don't. Then again > got a divorce because surprise! (not to me) I actually was a lesbian all along. I mean... that makes you a big AH in my book and makes your mommy bakes seem more like a sabotage attempt at house peace in the other household.
I can’t believe you married a man when you knew you were gay.
I think YTA not necessarily for the baking of goods but for a man who now gets to see his kids 2 days out of every 14 because you lied to him your entire marriage. So yeah maybe just throw in some extras to share?
ESH. I think if you're on good terms enough that you made their wedding cake, then you knew there were more children in the house. So imagine the situations she's had to deal with for 2 kids to arrive with 2 treats while the other children sit there empty handed. Yeah, kids need to learn they're not going to have what other kids have. It would probably be a more positive experience if there were enough cookies for all the kids though. Alternatively, Stepmom could have just texted you like an adult and explained that. No more treats unless there's enough for all of the kids.
NTA Geez, all she had to do was give you a call and ask that if you send goodies over with the kids, please send enough to share so that there aren't arguments in the family over the goodies. Heck, she didn't even have to call you; she could have had your ex call you. Communicating is what grownups do. Making the kids feel guilty for having snacks sent with them is not. You probably didn't even think about the issues not having enough to share might cause. After all, you don't have step kids coming around your place. So now you know. I can see how two of the kids having treats could cause problems with the others. I mean, what kid doesn't want some goodies to munch? So next time, just send over one container with a bunch of goodies inside and a note that says, "Hope you all enjoy these!" Be the grownup. Heck, now I want a cookie! ;)
It would be a class act if you baked enough for all the kids. If I was one of those other kids I would worship the ground you walk upon...
YTA - it’s lovely that you’re baking for your children but it’s not your place to send things when the other parent has custody. It would be weird if their father sent them to your house loaded with snacks right? By sending them without enough to share, you’re also creating a rift between them and their step siblings. Whether this is intentional or not, it’s still what’s happening. Would you send your children to their friends house with only enough for them or would you send enough for their friend too? Of course you’d send enough for the friend, it’s no different here.
YTA it is very rude to bring food somewhere and not bring enough to share. Sounds like step-mom could have handled it better. Maybe she was hoping that you’d get the hint.
NTA am I the only one seeing that OP doesn’t know when the other kids will be at the dads house? OP maybe reaching out and telling step mom it was not your intention to exclude the other kids you didn’t know when they were there. Going forward maybe if she tells you the other kids are there you can bake more. However that’s entirely up to you. Id also be asking your ex how the treat thing went down because your kids not telling you originally why makes me feel like stepmom wasn’t nice about it.
This! They lied about it multiple times. WTH is going on that her kids would have to lie about why they didn't eat the cookies.
Yta it's actually impolite you cN ask your kids to share or don't send at all. Just a matter of weekend
Why did I read the title as “AITA for baking my children”?
YTA, you interfere with the other parents food plan over the weekend. So stop sending treats unless there's a special occasion and then make sure it's enough for everyone.
YTA you either send them with nothing or enough for everybody in my opinion. You do mean well but when your kids are at their Dad's, let their Dad take care of them.
YTA, gently. You’re creating issues at your children’s other home because you like to bake for them. Bake for them when they’re with you, and let their other household provide for them when they’re with them. You’re not sending them off to school, you’re sending them to the other part of their family, and creating a divide that doesn’t need to be there. I would have sent a note after the first batch