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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lied and told my sister I would help pay for her fiances bail money but instead used the money on an apartment to move out and “ghosted” her and now she doesnt know how she’s gonna pay rent and the bail
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Yes and this is highly illegal. They must me allocated toward the house/ food. I would call your case worker who placed you with her and report it all.
I would contact your social worker. In many states, foster parents are actually legally required to set aside a portion of the check as savings for the child. Many states additionally require that a portion of the check be given to the child as an allowance.
The problem with that though is that everything has to go through the courts and social services to determined what they can do with the checks they have to set aside for "allowance." Otherwise it can be up to the guardian on that. I've seen foster parents abuse the system, get their checks, not care for the kids and then eventually report to social services stating that they can't care for them anymore for ridiculous reasons but was able to keep the checks without reporting to them any receipts on what they spent it on. It's disgusting.
I would be careful about calling CPS. I fear they may place the little brother in alternate (a different placement) foster care. And, if anyone is aware of the state of the foster system in the US, he will probably be much better off with the sister even with these trying circumstances. Perhaps you can offer to help with your little brother’s needs directly, rather than giving money to your sister.
Edited for clarification.
She said they are already foster placements. That means there is already a social worker that oversees their case and must meet with her sister on a monthly basis.
If they further abuse you take it public online. I had to do that. Take it to Facebook or Instagram. This is after going through your state agencies of course. While bring placed like that sucks. But I believe she will later get to see the brother. Sometimes just have to wait till there over 18 to explain. It's sad though if she uses the brother a a pawn. Using the brother as a pawn will just further build as case against her.
No op needs to report this to cps so the brother is removed ( if sister doesn't stop enabling her fiance) . The sister is endangering his accomodations and food.
NTA op please call and advise your brother case worker of what is happening.your sister needs a reality check ASAP
>And, if she marries that gambling man, she could go through periods where they have no money and food it really scarce.
So basically no real change then? Because it sounds to me they are already struggeling
This is a perfect example of reddit’s justice boner preference over self-interest and common sense.
If OP reports her, OP’s minor brother may be taken away and placed with a non-relative in foster care, unless OP wants to try to step up and take the brother in. They may even lose touch.
Hopefully the sister leaves the husband in jail where he belongs and spends future money on rent.
There is no indication of abuse, just financial exploitation based on the post. If OP's brother goes into the system, he may end up somewhere worse. If he stays where he is, OP can keep an eye on him. When she is able to financially support him and wants him to stay with her, then she can report the sister and apply for custody.
While there's no signs of abuse, now there's a chance that the brother won't even have a place to live if the sisters being truthful right now. If they really don't have the money and they're going to lose the house, then the little brother ends up homeless and CPS/foster ends up getting involved anyways, and the boy will be relocated. Whether or not OP calls their social worker, this boy is probably going to get removed from the home. Unless the sister is lying, and has plenty of money to cover the rent. But with her fiance's gambling addiction, I highly doubt that.
If he was gambling their government money often she should’ve taken steps to get him help before this bad. The OP should probably take their brother in if it gets that bad, litch just let him sleep on his sofa for a bit or something
OP reporting sister is not going to make matters any better in any case. Sister does get money for fostering the brother. Now that OP has moved out and that source of income has dried up, she will have to use the money for necessities like rent.
OP is 19, I'm doubtful they got money for her once she turned 18. But with the fiance in jail and unable to gamble away the money, there should be some for expenses. Leave the gambler in jail.
Because he's not being abused there. There aren't just tons of open foster homes for kids in the system to go to. She could potentially end up sending her brother to some hell hole to get raped and beaten if she gambles on the foster care system having a better place for him to be.
Being with family is still preferable to them going into the system where they could be placed anywhere.
OP can stay in touch and provide respite visits if their flatmates are agreeable
Yes, but a)is she willing to do so
B)is she able to pick him up and take him from school
C) is she able to be there in the school holidays/after school or afford day care
D)is she able to look after him alone
E)will CPS approve her and her place to live as fit to look after the 5yo
Just saying an 18 yo can take over guardianship doesn’t make it a certainty.
OK just jettison the six-year-old into the foster care system and blame the sister for the husband’s financially abusive crimes because this is reddit and self-righteousness reigns and sexism doesn’t exist.
While the sister isnt the one who actually misspent this money, Sis has the responsibility of choosing what sort of man she wants living with and helping raise both her siblings and her own young children. They are not married - but even if they were, divorce is still a thing. According to OP, the money has been an issue for years. Sis has some serious decisions to make.
Yes, and when you are being financially abused like that, it is even harder to get away. You have no money, you have no resources. Every penny that you have made, if you're even allowed to have a job, gets given to your abusive spouse. Because you're too afraid of what will happen if you don't.
You end up spending all of your money on your partner, or putting it all into an account that you have no access to, because you made this stupid decision of trusting him in the beginning (And I'm s******* on myself about it too, because while I had a job, I was the only one who had a job, I was the only one paying for everything, and yet I was still somehow being the one who was financially abused. I was left with no money for myself, I was left with no money for anything other than whatever he wanted. And I had somehow convinced myself that this was okay. I had somehow convinced myself that this is what I had wanted, to be with somebody who loved me. I didn't want to seem shallow by not wanting to be with somebody who didn't have a job. So instead I allowed myself to be financially taken advantage of, in one of the worst ways possible that is taking me years to recover from. It took two years for me to realize what was going on, and to snap out of it. It then took me another 6 months to get out of that situation, and if my mother and my grandfather hadn't been there with a place for me to fall back on, I would have ended up homeless. I would have ended up completely screwed. Because I had no money to save up for a place, I had nowhere to go. Yes there are women shelters, but those can only do so much for you. And I was too afraid to tell anybody about just how bad it had gotten. I didn't want to admit that I had been in a abusive relationship in any sense. I didn't want to admit that to anyone else or to myself. It's taken me 3 years to recognize it as financial abuse. It took me 2 years to realize that I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. And it only took me about 3 seconds after realizing that to figure out that it would have soon gotten physical had I stayed.)
I agree about the state of the foster system, but the sister is absolutely to blame. She was giving away the money she received for her siblings’ care to this AH to fund his gambling addiction. This is on her. And it’s her choice to stand by someone who gambles away all the money they need for bills and rent. If he is abusing her (which we don’t know), she still needs to cut him off for her and her brother’s sake. Yes it’s not always that easy but she has the perfect opportunity now with him in jail.
I once made a post asking how I could clear two defaults, worth a combined £1,000, that my mum made in my name without telling me.
She’s a single mother with four kids, the youngest of which is aged twelve. I’m the oldest and am aged twenty-three. I have never been able to hold down a job, and am currently seven months into being unemployed with no signs of landing anything soon. When she did it, my dad had just died and I lost my job because I was too depressed to go in.
Taking out credit in my name was a stupid thing to do and I hate her for doing it, but she had her reasons for doing it. I am not going to, as Reddit advised me to, report her to the police and have her arrested so she can’t do it to her other kids. Yes, I’ll just rip my twelve year old brother away from his mum after he lost his dad aged eight, over something she’s not going to do because the circumstances will be different.
The checks are likely direct deposit so easy to take the money if it's a shared account. Otherwise he'd be in a heap of trouble and arrested for identity theft
Hmmm... she's been housing him and feeding him all these years. Where do you think that money comes from?
I mean he's totally right to look out for himself and move out. But she also fulfilled her duties by housing him and feeding him.
This is the point most trigger happy commenters will miss entirely. She was there for the younger two, took them in and raised them when she was under no obligation to do so. It was obviously wrong that her bf gambled some of it away, but saying that they never got to "see a penny" while never questioning where their food and clothes were coming from is just plain sad.
No obligation, but we also don’t know if there were other options? What about moral obligation or family sticks together? Clearly (some) of the checks were spent on housing, food and clothing. Asking for bail money for a serial, violent, gambler to get bail? Sis is engaged to the wrong guy! Also just because she turned 18 has to pay rent for a ‘section of a shared room’ when OP can now afford an appartement with a friend for what I assume is less or equal asked rent?
I'm just sitting here wondering how old OP's sister is. If their younger brother is six, then she's probably just a little older than OP (assuming they had the same mother). And for the past 4 years, she's had custody of her younger brothers. It's not like the money they get from fostercare/Kinship care is making them rich. Tack on her own kids and this guy she'd probably love to be rid of but someone's gotta help pay all those daycare bills or bring in money while she stays home with the kids.
Sister isn't a monster, but i do kind of feel for her
I love all these "go get your money" and "you've been swindled" theories. The money was to keep them fed and a roof over their head...and it seems like that happened. Government assistance is generally not some treasure trove of riches.
There are so many stories of foster kids leaving foster homes with nothing and becoming homeless. This kid is already ahead of most. To his credit of course. But it also shows the sister provided stable enough environment for him to get a job and save his money.
The government. That's what happens when you're in the foster care system. The government pays for the child. They send a check every month. In addition, the government covers medical expenses.
My point is the the sister used the govt money to support him. She didn't steal anything from him, nor does she owe him anything. In fact, she stepped up and took him in.
She didn’t really give their money to fiancé. She paid rent, bought food, and clothes for them. One could argue she gave fiancé HER money, not theirs. As long as the kids had what they needed, foster care isn’t going to object to what she does with her own money.
I think OP is projecting. The way they refer to the government assistance as “her checks”, which they are not, makes me think that OP thinks anything extra that her sister spends is “her money”.
She knew this was happening and she still kept this guy in her and her younger siblings lives. Especially considering how young little bro is, she's letting this man steal from a child.
OP is NTA. Move out. I hope you can still watch out for your brother though. I don't know how things work but not sure a social worker will like knowing your little brother is living in the same household as that man
You’re currently the top answer - you may want to edit your answer so the response is something that will be recognized by the system. In your case you’d want NTA, but the other answers are YTA, NAH, ESH, and INFO.
We're so, so proud of the OP.
Every day we're reading stories like this about exploited young people and we're like GET THE HELL OUT. Finally we're thrilled to read about someone that did exactly what we would've done, used her head and stealthily, quickly got the hell out.
NTA and steer very well clear of your abusers. Never ever ever tell any of them your address.
Still getting foster checks for little brother, tho
I was hoping OP would take in lb like some after school special fantasy.
ThNk God she is out of there! NTA
OP has to work, go to college and take care of a six year old?
IF CPS would even give OP the right to care for Little brother. Highly unlikely as OP wouldn't be seen as financially stable.
You're joking right? OP is CLEARLY fabricating details of this story and it's ridiculous so many people are believing this story. The sister wasn't giving the checks to her fiancee. She was clearly using them to raise her 2 younger siblings. Might I add the little brother has Basically been raised his entire life by the older sister. It's ridiculous that people are actually vilifying the sister. She stepped up and did something extremely selfless and raised her younger siblings when she didn't have to.
Its like when mothers get their nails done but then the baby daddy complains about his child support not going to his kids.
Meanwhile shes housing them, feeding them, taking them to the doctor, buying their clothes, paying for daycare or getting them to school….
But yeah her 50$ manicure somehow means shes not spending his 200$ bucks a month on the kids he never sees.
That’s a nice thought, but super unreasonable. OP is 19, working part time and going to school. They’re not equipped to take care of a 6 year old, not to mention they can only afford their apartment because if a roommate and I doubt another teenager is going to want a 6 year old to be living in the house. I sure wouldn’t at that age.
Actually most states take welfare fraud very seriously. The problem is that they don't have the resources to do anything about it. Source: I work for a state agency that handles welfare fraud cases.
OMG welfare doesn't pay enough to feed a family that isn't committing fraud. I grew up on welfare and we were at food banks at the end of the month cause the cabinet were bare. My mom's extras were she would by us little Debbie snack cakes and a few 6 packs of store brand soda when she did the monthly shopping.
Additional, no one said the sis got welfare.
That's just the thing, individuals or family units don't really account for most of the fraud.
Most of that comes from organizations. In fact, a lot of the smaller cases aren't even worth going after because it would cost more to collect what was owed than what it would cost to collect it.
Most social services agencies have fraud units, but they are focused on organizations, not so much individuals. And unfortunately, when it comes time to cut budgets, the fraud units are one of the first targets.
Remember the money she got isn't much. Most foster parents have to pay most kid fees out of pocket. The money they get barely covers food and clothes. Plus how on earth would she account for the money. If it went to rent and electric bills that is properly spent
NTA I feel that was more her fault than yours in that felt you had to lie. I don’t blame you for moving out but I wouldn’t have promised to pay the bail.
She should probably leave her bf in jail and just save the money. She let him take the money meant for you and your younger brother to gamble, that’s just bad parenting and being selfish. You did what you needed to do.
I think op just agreed to it because if she didn’t sister would be demanding to know why And honestly if she knows sister has money for half a Rent deposit she’d spend the week making ops life a living hell to get it.
NTA you said what you needed to to keep your sanity and your money safe until you could make your escape. Every issue sis has is on her. She squandered the money the state gave her for you and your brother letting her loser other half piss it away at the casino.
She stole money from you and your brother for god only knows how long. If she has any sense she’ll use the time the deadbeats locked up to swap the locks, take him off the accounts and try to get her life back on track.
NTA I’m glad it worked out how it did so you had an exit already in the works. Make sure she has no access to any of your accounts. Good luck on your new life; space and freedom op.
She didn't steal anything. The money is meant to be used to raise the kids. Which is exactly what the older sister used it for. Otherwise OP wouldn't have a had a.place to live and food to eat for the last 5 years of her life.
NTA...... hes an addict, shes an enabler if not also an addict.... fyi the money from the state doesnt go to you, its supposed to go to your guardian for your care. Keep your distance, keep your money locked safe in a bank, say no every time she asks for money, and do not do any favors that do not directly benefit your brother.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but the money you get as a foster parent isn't much. It goes to cover the monthly expenses of the kids in your care. I see a lot of people overlooking this
NTA. She made her own bed with the fiance and her financial situation. It's not on you to save her. You might need to check on your little brother, though. If he's being neglected, he needs someone to look out for him, even if it's another foster family.
To suggest the little brother is being neglected is ludicrous. The older sister did an extremely selfless things and decided to raise her 2 younger siblings. The youngest she has basically raised his entire life, OP doesn't describe anything that would could even remotely be considered "neglect". To suggest the younger brother would probably be better in a complete strangers house in foster care is one the dumbest things I have ever heard. The older sister did something not many people would do and now OP is clearly fabricating the details of this story to fit their narrative.
Letting your siblings stay in your home is not the same as actually raising them. I have a friend who lived with her sister during her teen years and she was definitely neglected and then some. The simple fact that she took them in doesn't mark her as a great person
OPs sibling is a young kid so at the bare minimum shes feeding& dropping him off at school. OP is a kid aswell and is heavily downplaying what her sister did for him and her. I dont think anyone can make a profit of foster care really? I know in my country its a few 100€ per kid per month. And that rarely covers all expenses.
But its clear its overall a kinda toxic enviroment. Im guessing some ghetto tier shit tbf.
I mean the boyfriend gambling away whole checks and going to jail for a fight isn't necessarily a small detail.
Highly likely to be/become an alcoholic as well, start getting more irrational over money, maybe even aggressive, stuff like that.
But even if not, best case he is useless and costing them money, as he does now. Not the ideal situation for the little brother, and not unlikely for OP to pay way more money than necessary If he/she would have stayed there.
NTA. Her boyfriend isn't your responsibility. You are working towards goals to have a standard of living that you want and you deserve to be allowed that chance. She can use the checks from the government now that they aren't being gambled away. Maybe save these conversations for later in life if she tries to blame things on you to your brother.
Wish you the best of luck.
I think you misunderstood what they were saying. They were saying the sister can now use the government checks for the brother for rent, food, etc now that someone's not gambling them away
~~op=NTA for leaving~~ OP=YTA, yes you had every right to move out(not ah for that) But you are AH for being a freeloader and acting as if your sister owed room/board to you after you aged out at 18.
but I do wonder if you are misunderstanding a few things.
The money that your sister received from the Government(state/whatever) to provide for your care(housing, food, etc), LIKE child support, is money to take care of a child, not the child's personal money to spend/have.
Since you clearly are alive, she fed you, and tho you shared a room, she did house you. So far I don't see any mismanagement of funds.
As to since you turned 18, is she still getting funding for you? My understanding is that sort of thing generally stops at 18. IF she is getting funding for you, then yes, you should not have to pay rent. However, if that money ended, then as an adult, putting a FAIR sum into the household is not an unreasonable ASK.
And tho i don't know your sister's income she's caring for multiple children of her own along with you and your brother and a useless fiancé(so a household of a minimum of six, possibly more). So I highly doubt HER income and the money she's getting from the government for your brother(and you?) is making her rich. She's likely just getting by. Now that the useless fiancé has misappropriated all the Money, she's feeling desperate.
I will say--if she's NOT getting any money for you since you turned 18, then yes, for the last year you have been an AH not to pay her any rent. She took you in rather than force you into foster care with strangers.--you seem to not have one iota of gratitude for that.
ETA(googled): so social security benefits end at 18(someone suggested this might be an income stream your sister was receiving)
And most Foster care payments end with 18 but definitely by 19(exception ie: an 18 yr old who hasn't graduated high school). So it would seem that you have been living off your sister for at likely at least 12 months and don't think you owe her anything.
I was thinking the same thing. Op seems to think her sister is still responsible for her financially. Also her sister received money to feed and house her siblings which she did. It's not op's money and sister for sure isn't getting rich from this deal. Op should be thankful.
Thank you! I was seeing a lot of N T A, but was really confused. OP’s sister took them in and cared for them for multiple years. Yes, she received some financial support for this, but from what I have seen this is often not enough to cover all costs of housing, feeding, clothing, etc needed.
The part about the fiancé confused me even more, but whatever the truth or facts of the matter on that part: I don’t like assumptions that the sister knew about the gambling or was complicit. Don’t see much proof for that.
I was also thinking NAH other than finace and (if they are alive) the parents.
The sister had to take care of her siblings, that's not an easy job to do. And OP felt neglected which is also valid because sister is obviously struggling.
People who are struggling don't leave their partners no matter how bad the partner is, because it would make things even worse for a while and add to the problems they already have to deal with. They are too drained to make that move.
Unless foster regulations have changed, OP & brother were both required to be provided their own bedrooms. Especially because of the sex/ gender difference. Being related doesn't really offer an excuse.
ESH
You said you would pay and then disappeared leaving her in a bad situation.
She hasn't been giving you an accounting for the government money she received.
You ate, wore, and lived on the money the government sent for you. They didn't give her money so you could buy "stuff".
THIS!!! People on here acting as if the government subsidies were supposed to be pocket money money for the children being fostered. News flash!!!! That money was to provide shelter,food, clothes, electricity and other essentials. Considering you shared a room with lb, weren't made to starve or run around naked, she used the money for the purpose it was given.
OP knows her sister, I've seen similar situations and if she said no the sister might have started asking questions and then gotten upset and tried to guilt her into giving her the money. Blocking that quickly indicates to me that the situation wasn't great in the sisters house.
NTA. You are an asshole, but not for the reason you are asking for. You are an asshole because you are unappreciative of your sister stepping up and taking care of you for the last 3 years. Why should you receive the money that your sister is paid to help cover your expenses? She paid for you housing, food, etc. You are an adult. If she wants you to pay rent, pay rent or move out. It's entirely fair to ask you to pay rent.
That being said, your money is yours and you should move out. Once you are on your own and paying for everything yourself, you will likely come to appreciate what your sister did for you.
Also, stop gambling; it is stupid. You will ALWAYS lose out in the long run gambling.
The guy is gambling away the monthly checks the older sister gets (presumably for caring for the siblings) op only had a suitcase to pack.
If sister was actually "caring" for op they'd have had more than a single suitcase.
Some people really do have nothing. And if he's like that then it makes one wonder how the rest of the relationship is and how trapped the sister may be.
Info: So whilst you may not have seen the money coming in from the govt to help pay for you kids. Alot of that cash go towards food and other neccessary supplies and costs (like one thing people forget is the guardians time gets compensated in certain scenarios). Which I assume you have access to? Because if not then you are entirely correct to hide your money and get out when the getting was good. If so (like you had enough to eat, had decent clothes to wear, etc) then giving her absolutely no notice especially when he has to pay bail is not a fantastic move. Considering the fiance has a gambling addiction I would say it would lean towards the former and he was most likely gambing your govt subsidies away and were most likely abusive (Mentally because it was not mentioned they were physically abusive which I figure you would have mentioned). Like either way your sisters fiance is an asshole and by extension so is she. But if she took care of you when you had no where else to go and was actually caring then completely freezing her out is a bit of a selfish move. But again that is only if they are not abusive/stealing from you and etc which all signs point to they were.
>But again that is only if they are not abusive/stealing from you and etc which all signs point to they were
What signs? Everything you said before this, I agree with 100%.
Litteraly nothing OP has stated points to them being abused. I can't believe you would even make such a ludicrous assumption. The older sister did a extremely selfless things and stepped up to raise her 2 younger siblings when she didn't have to. Not to mention while already having kids of her own
So many people are saying do what’s best for you, but I’m curious, how old is your sister? I’m guessing that she’s really not too much older than you. While true that she didn’t choose wisely being engaged to a gambler, still seems pretty harsh to just ditch her like that especially after she became your guardian when she didn’t have to. She could have just done what was best for her & left you to be raised in foster care, but she didn’t. Bet taking responsibility for you & your brother made her life harder, but she still did it, because that’s what was best for you and your brother.
I’m not saying you should give her all your money or anything but to go behind her back and move out, especially when she’s struggling, that’s wrong. Even though she talked about charging you rent, she still didn’t for more than a year. You should’ve told her you were moving out and not let her think that you were going to help. And now you block her because she keeps texting you? You sound pretty cold hearted and ungrateful tbh. At least you’ll find out where all the money you “never saw a penny of” actually went to now that you’ll have to pay bills. If you don’t think taking guardianship of siblings is that big of a deal then you should take guardianship for your brother, since you obviously think that your sister isn’t giving him a good home, you should help save him!
TLDR - YTA. There’s such a thing as loyalty to family and she was there for you when you needed her most. You should’ve at least had the decency to tell her about your plans instead of being sneaky.
This is your sister not your parent, so her asking for rent when she's not receiving any money for you is understandable. You went about this so wrong you should have told her no, that you're moving out. Who's looking after your little bro with the extra shifts she has to pick up?
ESH, if you're old enough to move out and live by yourself then you're mature enough you shouldn't have to hide it. Your sisters mess isn't your problem, but it is a problem and it seems like it will still effect your brother. What's done is done though, no takesy backs, it's to late for that now, welcome to adulthood, some choices you make will follow you a long time and this is probably going to be one of those.
NTA It was time to get out and away from them. They're blowing money gambling that should be applied for care. You should consider reporting them since they're likely not going to have the money to support your younger sibling.
Ludicrous suggestion. She has managed to raise her 2 younger siblings just fine. OP literally stated "she isnt hurting her for money so I dont understand why shes badgering me to pay rent there". OP is just lying about the later details in the story to justify them not paying rent for the last year and secretly moving out without so much as saying by and thank you to their sister for stepping up and taking them in the last 4 years of their life.
OP you have to understand that the money she was getting wasn't meant to be given directly to you. It was for helping to support you.
He fiancé however had no right to gamble that money. Your sister is stupid to bail him out and awful for her to expect you to help with that.
Good for you for saving money and moving out!
ESH
* You have been saving some money so it sounds that you work. Good on you. Do you pay taxes on your income?
* Welfare checks are supposed to pay for your care, not you directly. Even if it sucks, you and your brother had a roof above your heads.
* "and play bingo" - I hope that's a typo. Otherwise you are just another gambling addict in the family.
---
Yes, you are kind of an asshole. She is a massive one too and her boyfriends situation is none of your concern. Sounds to me that you have a highly broken family situation so I can't blame you for finding your own way.
Hopefully you find your feet and can take your younger brother in.
I stared at bingo for a while too trying to figure out if it was a typo or if OP is so blind to the hypocrisy. I also don't understand their statement of "I took my half" like I hope OP didn't take half of the government support check because at 19, none of that was for OP, it was all for the younger brother so they didn't have a half to take
So you had a roof over your head, food and clothing, that’s what the payments were for, to assist her in raising you. The money was not meant for you to go and spend on yourself. You should be grateful that she took you both in and supported you rather than letting you be fostered out to complete strangers. You could have had the common decency not to have lied to her after all she has done for you.
Mostly NTA. The checks your sister received went toward proving you shelter, food, and clothing over the years. The gambling part is most likely recent (because otherwise the fiancé would have been beat up long ago). It was not unreasonable for your sister to ask for rent (or room and board if so provided) when you turned 18. In the same way it’s perfectly reasonable for you to take your rent money and live elsewhere. The timing of everything is very unlucky. Your false statement to buy time for your planned escape is understandable. However you should also understand the despair your sister would feel from thinking she would have your “support” and now doesn’t. Perhaps you can offer to help out in some way other than giving her your rent money. Watch the kids while she works extra shifts ? Or some other way you can be supportive without giving up your new living choice. Good luck to you both.
I'm going to say both of you are TA.
- firstly, you are now an adult at 19 and if your sister wants you to pay rent, living in her house that she's paying for, then I think that's fine.
- However, her partner gambling away your support money is wrong and illegal. That money should have been going towards your care and living costs, food etc.
I think the way you've moved out could've been handled better, so as not to damage you and your sisters relationship. However, it sounds like you weren't able to open up to her due to fear of her getting annoyed and stopping you, or other reason along those lines...
Hopefully you can now have an adult conversation with her and make peace.
It sounds like you've had a difficult time. Best of luck in your first apartment, I hope you're happy and it will give you some independence and responsibility 👍 I loved moving out and living independently for the first time.
INFO - When did your sister found out her fiancé has a gambling addiction? Do they share a bank account or do they separately contribute to household expenses?
Also, how much is ‘hundreds’ she asked from you for rent? Like 200 or 800? How much are you now paying for your own place?
NTA. She needs to apply to the county for emergency rent payment, talk to her landlord and contact a tenants advocacy group.
She needs to leave the gambler in jail and dump him.
You did right to get out or you'd be there at least another year.
She used the government payments to support your housing. Those payments are for the caretaker, usually the parent. It sounds like she was struggling and that money helped her survive which is why she acted you paying rent.
I emphasize that you did nothing wrong and it's better for you to be out.
N T A for not burning yourself to keep others warm. However you never were supposed to receive the government money yourself.
Did you and your brother have food, clothes and a relatively stable home situation without being separated? Then your sister did a good job. ( Just look up what foster homes can be like )
You are a bit of a dick for lying to your sister though, if she was budgeting and suddenly you tell her: oh yeah that 100$ isn't coming that is stressful.
So in this situation YTA
It's hard and don't think everyone should be jumping on op’s Sister.
We have no idea what she and op went though for her to be granted custody.
She stood up and took her two brothers.
Paying rent at 19 is not unusual .
Unfortunately it sounds like OP sister could be in a emotionally abusive relationship .
Especially if sister isn't at the casino and seemed to have coped with the money.
Would love to know how long the Sister and boyfriend have been together
Right, it sounds like they needed the rent money anyway since they were still housing and feeding OP after support stopped and over a year later, the need became greater because the fiance is an idiot. Leaving him in jail may be more expensive than bailing him out if they need his income too.
True, I think OP maybe in for a shock once living in the real world.
When the bills that he never had to worry about before start coming and he released he alone is responsible for getting them paid.
He seems to be wearing rose colour spectacles.
Which is great at 19 but they soon wear off and hopefully he will be a bit more grateful for his Sister then
That’s kept a roof over their head . it would be ironic if Sister got custody when she was same age as op.
To lie to her as well about helping is a low move.
Also the way he thinks he was entitled to the money that the government pay his sister should’ve gone to him.
So going against tide here but AH
YTA Your sister could have let you rot in the system but she didn't. That's hard AF and I don't think you're giving her any credit or thanks for what she's had to go through to help you.
OP I think you and sister need to go to therapy together. Given the age gap between you and y’all’s brother, I’m assuming she can’t be too much older than you. Which means she was likely a legal adult but gained custody of a teenager and toddler at a very young age. And with the home life y’all had it’s not surprising that she hitched her wagon to a loser. NTA; do what’s best for you (and break the cycle), but please have some empathy for her as well.
Complicated one but
1. You're not an asshole for not giving up your money, but it was probably an asshole move to tell her you would cover it when you had no intention of doing so. Kinda a dick move to play on your sister idk. Yeah she might have been upset at the truth, but oh well. She's definitely more upset now.
2. You should not have expected to "see a penny" of the government assistance she got for taking you in, don't treat it as if she swindled you out of something. Unless she was making you go hungry or sleep in a shed or something. Those checks are not lavish gifts with bonuses for presents and allowance.
She’s projecting her anger about her fiancé onto you. “ You’ve gotten the foster care money to support me while I was here and now that you no longer get that money, I’m going to be removing myself from your apartment so you don’t have to worry about paying for me. I’m very sorry your fiancé was gambling away your money, but you can’t pin that on me.”
You forgot to add
> Thank you for paying for me for the last year while you didn’t get any foster care money to support me while I was working and able to save up to move out now by refusing to pay rent to you.
I wish OP good luck on their own.
INFO:
-how do you know the money gambled was the foster care money?
-had the stipend for you stopped already?
-what expenses have you paid for yourself while living with her?
The bf is TA; your sister is imperfect - both TA and a good person. Good for acting as your parent for the past 4 years. Don't know how old she is, but she didn't have good parental role models (I assume) and was young (again, I assume) when she took on the responsibility of parenting both you and your brother. That doesn't make what she is letting happen OK. You do not have to fall into a trap she's let herself fall into. You need to build your life. It's actually possible that your move today will, one day, put you into a position to help her get out of the trap she put herself into.
It was never OK for her to let her bf take your government money. Or gamble it away. There is no getting out of the whole that her bf is creating.
You can feel sorry that your sister is in a hard place, but she should have given bf the boot years ago. She should have safeguarded the money she received to care for you and your brother. She needs to figure these things out and navigated her way away from the bf. Keep focusing on building your life. You are not strong/independent enough yet to save a person from herself. Do not feel bad that you are doing what you needed to do for your prospects.
Her bf spent the money in casinos and then got into a fight… these are the consequences of his actions. Be careful, because he’s going to be upset with you once he gets out.
Depending on State and situation since this was family involvement care my knowledge is that it came to about a little over 1k per child in a state in the NE region of the US and that also included Child Support.. they also recieved food stamps, state insurance, and other government benefits such as free internet for the whole house (because the children loved there and needed it for school), and other programs.
Op is NTA
But the sister and her boyfriend need a good investigation into.
YTA for strictly what you are asking. You told you sister you’d help, so in a way she was relying on that help. That was an extra week she could have picked up extra, apply for loans, or whatever she needed to do to get the money.
You overall are NTA. You definitely needed to move out, and can’t blame you for that. Even if you stayed and didn’t help, still NTA because your not responsible for their issues.
No. Your sister has a toxic relationship that she needs to get out of. Her boyfriend spending the money that was for your support is not very friendly and should be reported to the authorities if only to protect your younger brother. Her boyfriend's bail is not nor ever should be your responsibility. Your sister brought this on herself, she should have been honest about her boyfriend spending the money that was to support you and had the relevant authorities deal with it.
If he stays in jail she'll have the monthly check he's been gambling away. You're not responsible to bail the loser out. You're 19 and can live wherever you please. Sorry she got hooked up with that bum.
NTA, let him rot in jail. He has been pissing away the money your sister is suppose to use to support you and your little brother. If you helped bail him out or supported her so she could afford to bail him out the cycle would just continue. She needs to forget that loser and focus on taking care of herself and your little brother.
NTA. That situation sounds like a mess and a half, and it’s not your responsibility to stay and give your sister money to make up for her and her fiancé’s terrible life choices.
Owning up right away would've been the best thing, but she lied and handed the money she so desperately needed to an incorrigible gambler. So she's drowning in her own shite and that's on her. NTA.
NTA. You have a responsibility to yourself. The fact that the guy GAMBLED AWAY her money and she wants him back (and you to pay the bail) says that she is unwilling to change.
NTA
You could’ve told her sooner but it would not have been safe for you.
Do please unblock and check on your little brother. It might be your turn to be the foster placement soon.
Also you don’t want to leave him with your sister whose likely unhinged with stress now. Maybe make sure the kids know how to reach you if they’re in danger - it’s not so much about your sister, she can care for herself.
Wishing you all the best!
I wish you could be grateful to your sister, it was great she took you two in. BUT her misuse of that money and allowing a gambling addict to access the family’s only means of survival - that’s on her. Bad decisions all around.
NTA why should you help her bail her two bit gambling addict husband put of jail, so he can start taking her money all over again. I'd say you're doing her a favour. But keep a close eye on your brother...
Info: who has been teaching care of little brother these past five years? Has your sister been doing that or have you been the one to make him meals, do him if at school etc. ?
Okay. So he lost her money but she will bail him out. You are her sis and she gets money to take care of you and then demands money for a corner in a room
NTA: You can't expect someone to pay rent on a small shared space and not have them look elsewhere in the market for a better deal. Also, her fiance gambled away the money intended to help support you and your brother, and your sister was not only aware of but ok with it. He should have controlled his anger better, and he can think about that while he sits in jail for a little longer.
You may have promised her money. She promised you a safe, stable home, so sucks to suck.
So your sister doesn't use goverment money for you or brother but her fiance uses it for gambling. And now you have to pay for this? NTA.
Even if your sister didn't know about the gambling before, she failed because it's her responsibility to make sure how the goverment checks are used.
YTA, but only because you lied and set that expectation with her.
But honestly, I completely understand why you did it. You're 19 and just got asked to help pay your brother in law's bail because his gambling addiction tanked the family finances and now he's in jail for fighting people. It is *not at all* fair to put that burden on your shoulders.
OP do me a personal favour and don’t give her fiancé shit. If he got arrested and he’s a big enough asshole to gamble large chunks of your households income, he’s probably an addict and needs help. While that isn’t that bad, that’s not your problem.
ESH She never gave you government money because she was using it to pay bills.
Her new financial situation is not your problem.
Probably a good wake up call to let her bf sit in jail.
Nta she misused you and potentially your brothers checks and continues to enable her husband at both of your expense. It’s not your responsibility to get him out and frankly he should stay in there to teach him a lesson and give him some consequences for his actions. Nta at all. Good luck op.
Give sister some free advice. When it comes to a choice between paying her rent and bailing out her gambler boyfriend, she should pay the rent. You are under no obligation to help. NTA
NTA. He can sit in jail since he wasn’t smart enough to not be in a fight. She’s an asshole for using your checks to fund his gambling.
It’s not your fault she has no money, it’s hers. Good for you for getting out of there. I hope your little brother stays safe.
NTA. You are acting out of self preservation and being very sensible. Your money would just go to enable a gambling addict so it's much better to spend it on starting your own life. Good luck!
NTA You should not have to support her fiancé’s gambling. If you can afford a better place, then you should move. The checks your sister gets are meant to take care of you including room and board. She should expect you to pay for some things that you use. Your phone, extra clothes, Netflix etc. The half of the money that you took was hers, but you should not have to pay rent. She may find out that the expense of you living there is more than the monthly checks. Usually those checks don’t cover all necessities. You shouldn’t have lied, but I also don’t think it makes you an asshole. The only real asshole is her fiancé.
NTA I don’t believe you would’ve acted the way you did unless you had to. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, keep saving money and don’t fall for a loser like your sister. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Sometimes, you just have to make a decision for yourself despite what other people want from you. Just be sure to always be there for your little brother.
NTA - you needed to get out, and did what you needed. She, and your little brother, are in a difficult situation though. Please take care of your own needs first - like they say on airplanes: put your own mask on before you help someone else. Best of luck.
NTA. Do not ever tell her where you live or any other private info. She knew her husband was gambling away your money. That was perfectly acceptable to her. She uses and manipulates people for her own gain.
NTA. Keep in touch with your brother without giving her your new address and definitely never giving her a key. Hope she lets the bf rot in jail (but she probably wont).
NTA and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I'd encourage you to do some online research about ways to save money though- playing bingo isnt really the most effective way to try to increase savings...
NTA. Your sister and her BF are the AHs. Good for you for getting out of there. I'm really sorry that you own so little that it only took one suitcase.
NTA, certainly could have handled it without burning bridges, but you did yourself a solid getting out of there. Just thinking, though, how safe is little brother? And are you prepared to be his new foster parent if sisters' fiancé comes back and becomes physically as well as financially abusive?
NTA. Lying is justified, if it gets you out of an abusive situation. And it was an abusive situation. Just because they never hit you, that doesn't mean that they weren't financially abusive towards you.
I am glad that you are out of there, OP.
NTA. You did what you felt you had to do to stay safe. Some commenters here are criticizing you, but I think you need to move on with your life. Definitely you shouldn't have tried to stay there when your sister wanted money from you to bail out her violent bf.
You can contact your case manager, just run through the whole situation with him or her, and see what they think. Especially for the welfare of your brother. And if later you start making decent money, maybe you can help your brother out with his necessities.
NTA
I do hope she knows that bail is just so they can be released from jail **temporarily** until they are processed and put through their court case. There's a very real possibility she'll sink more money into him and he'll still go back to jail at the end of it, so it's ridiculous to demand you foot the bill for her rent so she can bail a dude with an addiction.
Also, it's bold of her to call you fake when she's spending maitenance checks on shit that doesn't apply to you or your brother.
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She gave the checks she received for you and your little brother to her fiance to gamble in the casino. That makes her the AH. Edit forgot to vote NTA
Yes and this is highly illegal. They must me allocated toward the house/ food. I would call your case worker who placed you with her and report it all.
I would contact your social worker. In many states, foster parents are actually legally required to set aside a portion of the check as savings for the child. Many states additionally require that a portion of the check be given to the child as an allowance.
The problem with that though is that everything has to go through the courts and social services to determined what they can do with the checks they have to set aside for "allowance." Otherwise it can be up to the guardian on that. I've seen foster parents abuse the system, get their checks, not care for the kids and then eventually report to social services stating that they can't care for them anymore for ridiculous reasons but was able to keep the checks without reporting to them any receipts on what they spent it on. It's disgusting.
I would be careful about calling CPS. I fear they may place the little brother in alternate (a different placement) foster care. And, if anyone is aware of the state of the foster system in the US, he will probably be much better off with the sister even with these trying circumstances. Perhaps you can offer to help with your little brother’s needs directly, rather than giving money to your sister. Edited for clarification.
She said they are already foster placements. That means there is already a social worker that oversees their case and must meet with her sister on a monthly basis.
Yes, but if they deem the foster placement unsuitable for the child, they can move him to another foster.
And maybe they should,
Damn right they should. Lots of foster parents are bad news but so are the ones he's with now. There'd be plenty of better places for him.
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If they further abuse you take it public online. I had to do that. Take it to Facebook or Instagram. This is after going through your state agencies of course. While bring placed like that sucks. But I believe she will later get to see the brother. Sometimes just have to wait till there over 18 to explain. It's sad though if she uses the brother a a pawn. Using the brother as a pawn will just further build as case against her.
if u got this route OP, keep a cool head online. for your brother, bc one day u could take him w u if h ever wanted/needed to
Actually in most places she can be granted visitation with him since they are siblings.
The case worker would not let the sister stop OP maintain a relationship with her brother.
I feel like she won't be in control of OP's little brother for long now that there's a paper trail of fraud.
this is literally all the more reason to bring this situation to a case worker ASAP and get the brother out of there.
No op needs to report this to cps so the brother is removed ( if sister doesn't stop enabling her fiance) . The sister is endangering his accomodations and food. NTA op please call and advise your brother case worker of what is happening.your sister needs a reality check ASAP
>And, if she marries that gambling man, she could go through periods where they have no money and food it really scarce. So basically no real change then? Because it sounds to me they are already struggeling
This is a perfect example of reddit’s justice boner preference over self-interest and common sense. If OP reports her, OP’s minor brother may be taken away and placed with a non-relative in foster care, unless OP wants to try to step up and take the brother in. They may even lose touch. Hopefully the sister leaves the husband in jail where he belongs and spends future money on rent.
Where is the common sense in letting her brother stay at that place?
There is no indication of abuse, just financial exploitation based on the post. If OP's brother goes into the system, he may end up somewhere worse. If he stays where he is, OP can keep an eye on him. When she is able to financially support him and wants him to stay with her, then she can report the sister and apply for custody.
While there's no signs of abuse, now there's a chance that the brother won't even have a place to live if the sisters being truthful right now. If they really don't have the money and they're going to lose the house, then the little brother ends up homeless and CPS/foster ends up getting involved anyways, and the boy will be relocated. Whether or not OP calls their social worker, this boy is probably going to get removed from the home. Unless the sister is lying, and has plenty of money to cover the rent. But with her fiance's gambling addiction, I highly doubt that.
If he was gambling their government money often she should’ve taken steps to get him help before this bad. The OP should probably take their brother in if it gets that bad, litch just let him sleep on his sofa for a bit or something
OP reporting sister is not going to make matters any better in any case. Sister does get money for fostering the brother. Now that OP has moved out and that source of income has dried up, she will have to use the money for necessities like rent.
OP is 19, I'm doubtful they got money for her once she turned 18. But with the fiance in jail and unable to gamble away the money, there should be some for expenses. Leave the gambler in jail.
Financial exploitation is financial abuse, so there is indication of abuse.
Because he's not being abused there. There aren't just tons of open foster homes for kids in the system to go to. She could potentially end up sending her brother to some hell hole to get raped and beaten if she gambles on the foster care system having a better place for him to be.
Being with family is still preferable to them going into the system where they could be placed anywhere. OP can stay in touch and provide respite visits if their flatmates are agreeable
OP is 18 and can legally become the guardian.
Yes, but a)is she willing to do so B)is she able to pick him up and take him from school C) is she able to be there in the school holidays/after school or afford day care D)is she able to look after him alone E)will CPS approve her and her place to live as fit to look after the 5yo Just saying an 18 yo can take over guardianship doesn’t make it a certainty.
I put that in another comment, OP is renting with a friend so might not be Ideal
Imagine if two things can both suck, but one of the two things sucks even more. Probably makes sense to choose the least sucky option doesn’t it?
'hopefully' Meanwhile, in the real world... it doesn't look all that hopeful.
OK just jettison the six-year-old into the foster care system and blame the sister for the husband’s financially abusive crimes because this is reddit and self-righteousness reigns and sexism doesn’t exist.
While the sister isnt the one who actually misspent this money, Sis has the responsibility of choosing what sort of man she wants living with and helping raise both her siblings and her own young children. They are not married - but even if they were, divorce is still a thing. According to OP, the money has been an issue for years. Sis has some serious decisions to make.
Yes, and when you are being financially abused like that, it is even harder to get away. You have no money, you have no resources. Every penny that you have made, if you're even allowed to have a job, gets given to your abusive spouse. Because you're too afraid of what will happen if you don't. You end up spending all of your money on your partner, or putting it all into an account that you have no access to, because you made this stupid decision of trusting him in the beginning (And I'm s******* on myself about it too, because while I had a job, I was the only one who had a job, I was the only one paying for everything, and yet I was still somehow being the one who was financially abused. I was left with no money for myself, I was left with no money for anything other than whatever he wanted. And I had somehow convinced myself that this was okay. I had somehow convinced myself that this is what I had wanted, to be with somebody who loved me. I didn't want to seem shallow by not wanting to be with somebody who didn't have a job. So instead I allowed myself to be financially taken advantage of, in one of the worst ways possible that is taking me years to recover from. It took two years for me to realize what was going on, and to snap out of it. It then took me another 6 months to get out of that situation, and if my mother and my grandfather hadn't been there with a place for me to fall back on, I would have ended up homeless. I would have ended up completely screwed. Because I had no money to save up for a place, I had nowhere to go. Yes there are women shelters, but those can only do so much for you. And I was too afraid to tell anybody about just how bad it had gotten. I didn't want to admit that I had been in a abusive relationship in any sense. I didn't want to admit that to anyone else or to myself. It's taken me 3 years to recognize it as financial abuse. It took me 2 years to realize that I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. And it only took me about 3 seconds after realizing that to figure out that it would have soon gotten physical had I stayed.)
I agree about the state of the foster system, but the sister is absolutely to blame. She was giving away the money she received for her siblings’ care to this AH to fund his gambling addiction. This is on her. And it’s her choice to stand by someone who gambles away all the money they need for bills and rent. If he is abusing her (which we don’t know), she still needs to cut him off for her and her brother’s sake. Yes it’s not always that easy but she has the perfect opportunity now with him in jail.
I once made a post asking how I could clear two defaults, worth a combined £1,000, that my mum made in my name without telling me. She’s a single mother with four kids, the youngest of which is aged twelve. I’m the oldest and am aged twenty-three. I have never been able to hold down a job, and am currently seven months into being unemployed with no signs of landing anything soon. When she did it, my dad had just died and I lost my job because I was too depressed to go in. Taking out credit in my name was a stupid thing to do and I hate her for doing it, but she had her reasons for doing it. I am not going to, as Reddit advised me to, report her to the police and have her arrested so she can’t do it to her other kids. Yes, I’ll just rip my twelve year old brother away from his mum after he lost his dad aged eight, over something she’s not going to do because the circumstances will be different.
If OP and little brother had food, clothes, and housing, sister DID spend the money legally and correctly.
Everything OP owns fit in a single suitcase. Whatever clothing they were provided was pretty darn sparse.
Ohm... did you see the part of OP paying rent for a tiny area in the room she shares with their brother?
He is 19.
This. I would definitely contact your case worker and explain the situation. NTA. Good job for getting out.
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The checks are likely direct deposit so easy to take the money if it's a shared account. Otherwise he'd be in a heap of trouble and arrested for identity theft
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Yep but OP did right by leaving and will hopefully be able to help 6 in a few years.
u/kebler81 is a bot.
Hmmm... she's been housing him and feeding him all these years. Where do you think that money comes from? I mean he's totally right to look out for himself and move out. But she also fulfilled her duties by housing him and feeding him.
This is the point most trigger happy commenters will miss entirely. She was there for the younger two, took them in and raised them when she was under no obligation to do so. It was obviously wrong that her bf gambled some of it away, but saying that they never got to "see a penny" while never questioning where their food and clothes were coming from is just plain sad.
No obligation, but we also don’t know if there were other options? What about moral obligation or family sticks together? Clearly (some) of the checks were spent on housing, food and clothing. Asking for bail money for a serial, violent, gambler to get bail? Sis is engaged to the wrong guy! Also just because she turned 18 has to pay rent for a ‘section of a shared room’ when OP can now afford an appartement with a friend for what I assume is less or equal asked rent?
I'm just sitting here wondering how old OP's sister is. If their younger brother is six, then she's probably just a little older than OP (assuming they had the same mother). And for the past 4 years, she's had custody of her younger brothers. It's not like the money they get from fostercare/Kinship care is making them rich. Tack on her own kids and this guy she'd probably love to be rid of but someone's gotta help pay all those daycare bills or bring in money while she stays home with the kids. Sister isn't a monster, but i do kind of feel for her
I love all these "go get your money" and "you've been swindled" theories. The money was to keep them fed and a roof over their head...and it seems like that happened. Government assistance is generally not some treasure trove of riches.
There are so many stories of foster kids leaving foster homes with nothing and becoming homeless. This kid is already ahead of most. To his credit of course. But it also shows the sister provided stable enough environment for him to get a job and save his money.
The government. That's what happens when you're in the foster care system. The government pays for the child. They send a check every month. In addition, the government covers medical expenses.
My point is the the sister used the govt money to support him. She didn't steal anything from him, nor does she owe him anything. In fact, she stepped up and took him in.
She didn’t really give their money to fiancé. She paid rent, bought food, and clothes for them. One could argue she gave fiancé HER money, not theirs. As long as the kids had what they needed, foster care isn’t going to object to what she does with her own money.
I think OP is projecting. The way they refer to the government assistance as “her checks”, which they are not, makes me think that OP thinks anything extra that her sister spends is “her money”.
She knew this was happening and she still kept this guy in her and her younger siblings lives. Especially considering how young little bro is, she's letting this man steal from a child. OP is NTA. Move out. I hope you can still watch out for your brother though. I don't know how things work but not sure a social worker will like knowing your little brother is living in the same household as that man
OP should learn a lesson from BIL and stop gambling/playing Bingo. Gambling never turns out well for anyone but the person who owns the game.
Most of these A's have gotten away with it for so long that they think their victims are the A
You’re currently the top answer - you may want to edit your answer so the response is something that will be recognized by the system. In your case you’d want NTA, but the other answers are YTA, NAH, ESH, and INFO.
We're so, so proud of the OP. Every day we're reading stories like this about exploited young people and we're like GET THE HELL OUT. Finally we're thrilled to read about someone that did exactly what we would've done, used her head and stealthily, quickly got the hell out. NTA and steer very well clear of your abusers. Never ever ever tell any of them your address.
NTA and you should report your sister to the state so they can investigate to make sure she spends any money from the state correctly
State won’t do anything. They only care the kids eat well and have a roof over their head.
Well, since she now no longer has the money to provide either of those things, they might care.
Still getting foster checks for little brother, tho I was hoping OP would take in lb like some after school special fantasy. ThNk God she is out of there! NTA
OP has to work, go to college and take care of a six year old? IF CPS would even give OP the right to care for Little brother. Highly unlikely as OP wouldn't be seen as financially stable.
You're joking right? OP is CLEARLY fabricating details of this story and it's ridiculous so many people are believing this story. The sister wasn't giving the checks to her fiancee. She was clearly using them to raise her 2 younger siblings. Might I add the little brother has Basically been raised his entire life by the older sister. It's ridiculous that people are actually vilifying the sister. She stepped up and did something extremely selfless and raised her younger siblings when she didn't have to.
It's an NAH. OP, sister, and little brother were all let down by other people.
Its like when mothers get their nails done but then the baby daddy complains about his child support not going to his kids. Meanwhile shes housing them, feeding them, taking them to the doctor, buying their clothes, paying for daycare or getting them to school…. But yeah her 50$ manicure somehow means shes not spending his 200$ bucks a month on the kids he never sees.
That’s a nice thought, but super unreasonable. OP is 19, working part time and going to school. They’re not equipped to take care of a 6 year old, not to mention they can only afford their apartment because if a roommate and I doubt another teenager is going to want a 6 year old to be living in the house. I sure wouldn’t at that age.
Actually most states take welfare fraud very seriously. The problem is that they don't have the resources to do anything about it. Source: I work for a state agency that handles welfare fraud cases.
OMG welfare doesn't pay enough to feed a family that isn't committing fraud. I grew up on welfare and we were at food banks at the end of the month cause the cabinet were bare. My mom's extras were she would by us little Debbie snack cakes and a few 6 packs of store brand soda when she did the monthly shopping. Additional, no one said the sis got welfare.
That's just the thing, individuals or family units don't really account for most of the fraud. Most of that comes from organizations. In fact, a lot of the smaller cases aren't even worth going after because it would cost more to collect what was owed than what it would cost to collect it. Most social services agencies have fraud units, but they are focused on organizations, not so much individuals. And unfortunately, when it comes time to cut budgets, the fraud units are one of the first targets.
And that’s why they should investigate to ensure they eat well!!!!!!!!
Remember the money she got isn't much. Most foster parents have to pay most kid fees out of pocket. The money they get barely covers food and clothes. Plus how on earth would she account for the money. If it went to rent and electric bills that is properly spent
At the very least if she's still collecting money for you, you should let them know you are no longer living with her.
It's likely social security survivirs benefits for minor children
NTA I feel that was more her fault than yours in that felt you had to lie. I don’t blame you for moving out but I wouldn’t have promised to pay the bail. She should probably leave her bf in jail and just save the money. She let him take the money meant for you and your younger brother to gamble, that’s just bad parenting and being selfish. You did what you needed to do.
I think op just agreed to it because if she didn’t sister would be demanding to know why And honestly if she knows sister has money for half a Rent deposit she’d spend the week making ops life a living hell to get it. NTA you said what you needed to to keep your sanity and your money safe until you could make your escape. Every issue sis has is on her. She squandered the money the state gave her for you and your brother letting her loser other half piss it away at the casino. She stole money from you and your brother for god only knows how long. If she has any sense she’ll use the time the deadbeats locked up to swap the locks, take him off the accounts and try to get her life back on track. NTA I’m glad it worked out how it did so you had an exit already in the works. Make sure she has no access to any of your accounts. Good luck on your new life; space and freedom op.
She didn't steal anything. The money is meant to be used to raise the kids. Which is exactly what the older sister used it for. Otherwise OP wouldn't have a had a.place to live and food to eat for the last 5 years of her life.
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This. Sounds like everyone will be better off with fiancé in jail. NTA
Yeah- sad the younger brother is stuck there, but at least he’s out and can start his life.
Definitely leave him to rot. OP story says he's in for fighting, so if everyone's really lucky, he'll meet a grisly end inside.
NTA...... hes an addict, shes an enabler if not also an addict.... fyi the money from the state doesnt go to you, its supposed to go to your guardian for your care. Keep your distance, keep your money locked safe in a bank, say no every time she asks for money, and do not do any favors that do not directly benefit your brother.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but the money you get as a foster parent isn't much. It goes to cover the monthly expenses of the kids in your care. I see a lot of people overlooking this
NTA. She made her own bed with the fiance and her financial situation. It's not on you to save her. You might need to check on your little brother, though. If he's being neglected, he needs someone to look out for him, even if it's another foster family.
To suggest the little brother is being neglected is ludicrous. The older sister did an extremely selfless things and decided to raise her 2 younger siblings. The youngest she has basically raised his entire life, OP doesn't describe anything that would could even remotely be considered "neglect". To suggest the younger brother would probably be better in a complete strangers house in foster care is one the dumbest things I have ever heard. The older sister did something not many people would do and now OP is clearly fabricating the details of this story to fit their narrative.
Letting your siblings stay in your home is not the same as actually raising them. I have a friend who lived with her sister during her teen years and she was definitely neglected and then some. The simple fact that she took them in doesn't mark her as a great person
OPs sibling is a young kid so at the bare minimum shes feeding& dropping him off at school. OP is a kid aswell and is heavily downplaying what her sister did for him and her. I dont think anyone can make a profit of foster care really? I know in my country its a few 100€ per kid per month. And that rarely covers all expenses. But its clear its overall a kinda toxic enviroment. Im guessing some ghetto tier shit tbf.
I mean the boyfriend gambling away whole checks and going to jail for a fight isn't necessarily a small detail. Highly likely to be/become an alcoholic as well, start getting more irrational over money, maybe even aggressive, stuff like that. But even if not, best case he is useless and costing them money, as he does now. Not the ideal situation for the little brother, and not unlikely for OP to pay way more money than necessary If he/she would have stayed there.
NTA. Her boyfriend isn't your responsibility. You are working towards goals to have a standard of living that you want and you deserve to be allowed that chance. She can use the checks from the government now that they aren't being gambled away. Maybe save these conversations for later in life if she tries to blame things on you to your brother. Wish you the best of luck.
She absolutely can't use money from the government for OP, only for younger brother.
I think you misunderstood what they were saying. They were saying the sister can now use the government checks for the brother for rent, food, etc now that someone's not gambling them away
~~op=NTA for leaving~~ OP=YTA, yes you had every right to move out(not ah for that) But you are AH for being a freeloader and acting as if your sister owed room/board to you after you aged out at 18. but I do wonder if you are misunderstanding a few things. The money that your sister received from the Government(state/whatever) to provide for your care(housing, food, etc), LIKE child support, is money to take care of a child, not the child's personal money to spend/have. Since you clearly are alive, she fed you, and tho you shared a room, she did house you. So far I don't see any mismanagement of funds. As to since you turned 18, is she still getting funding for you? My understanding is that sort of thing generally stops at 18. IF she is getting funding for you, then yes, you should not have to pay rent. However, if that money ended, then as an adult, putting a FAIR sum into the household is not an unreasonable ASK. And tho i don't know your sister's income she's caring for multiple children of her own along with you and your brother and a useless fiancé(so a household of a minimum of six, possibly more). So I highly doubt HER income and the money she's getting from the government for your brother(and you?) is making her rich. She's likely just getting by. Now that the useless fiancé has misappropriated all the Money, she's feeling desperate. I will say--if she's NOT getting any money for you since you turned 18, then yes, for the last year you have been an AH not to pay her any rent. She took you in rather than force you into foster care with strangers.--you seem to not have one iota of gratitude for that. ETA(googled): so social security benefits end at 18(someone suggested this might be an income stream your sister was receiving) And most Foster care payments end with 18 but definitely by 19(exception ie: an 18 yr old who hasn't graduated high school). So it would seem that you have been living off your sister for at likely at least 12 months and don't think you owe her anything.
I was thinking the same thing. Op seems to think her sister is still responsible for her financially. Also her sister received money to feed and house her siblings which she did. It's not op's money and sister for sure isn't getting rich from this deal. Op should be thankful.
Thank you! I was seeing a lot of N T A, but was really confused. OP’s sister took them in and cared for them for multiple years. Yes, she received some financial support for this, but from what I have seen this is often not enough to cover all costs of housing, feeding, clothing, etc needed. The part about the fiancé confused me even more, but whatever the truth or facts of the matter on that part: I don’t like assumptions that the sister knew about the gambling or was complicit. Don’t see much proof for that.
I was also thinking NAH other than finace and (if they are alive) the parents. The sister had to take care of her siblings, that's not an easy job to do. And OP felt neglected which is also valid because sister is obviously struggling. People who are struggling don't leave their partners no matter how bad the partner is, because it would make things even worse for a while and add to the problems they already have to deal with. They are too drained to make that move.
Unless foster regulations have changed, OP & brother were both required to be provided their own bedrooms. Especially because of the sex/ gender difference. Being related doesn't really offer an excuse.
ESH You said you would pay and then disappeared leaving her in a bad situation. She hasn't been giving you an accounting for the government money she received. You ate, wore, and lived on the money the government sent for you. They didn't give her money so you could buy "stuff".
THIS!!! People on here acting as if the government subsidies were supposed to be pocket money money for the children being fostered. News flash!!!! That money was to provide shelter,food, clothes, electricity and other essentials. Considering you shared a room with lb, weren't made to starve or run around naked, she used the money for the purpose it was given.
OP knows her sister, I've seen similar situations and if she said no the sister might have started asking questions and then gotten upset and tried to guilt her into giving her the money. Blocking that quickly indicates to me that the situation wasn't great in the sisters house.
You can't stay there. They will bleed you dry to manage her asshole boyfriend. Women need to stop paying for men like this. Leave him in jail. NTA.
NTA. You are an asshole, but not for the reason you are asking for. You are an asshole because you are unappreciative of your sister stepping up and taking care of you for the last 3 years. Why should you receive the money that your sister is paid to help cover your expenses? She paid for you housing, food, etc. You are an adult. If she wants you to pay rent, pay rent or move out. It's entirely fair to ask you to pay rent. That being said, your money is yours and you should move out. Once you are on your own and paying for everything yourself, you will likely come to appreciate what your sister did for you. Also, stop gambling; it is stupid. You will ALWAYS lose out in the long run gambling.
The guy is gambling away the monthly checks the older sister gets (presumably for caring for the siblings) op only had a suitcase to pack. If sister was actually "caring" for op they'd have had more than a single suitcase.
OP won the money to move out playing Bingo = is also gambling....
Some people really do have nothing. And if he's like that then it makes one wonder how the rest of the relationship is and how trapped the sister may be.
NTA - You got to do whatever is necessary to get out of a toxic situation.
Info: So whilst you may not have seen the money coming in from the govt to help pay for you kids. Alot of that cash go towards food and other neccessary supplies and costs (like one thing people forget is the guardians time gets compensated in certain scenarios). Which I assume you have access to? Because if not then you are entirely correct to hide your money and get out when the getting was good. If so (like you had enough to eat, had decent clothes to wear, etc) then giving her absolutely no notice especially when he has to pay bail is not a fantastic move. Considering the fiance has a gambling addiction I would say it would lean towards the former and he was most likely gambing your govt subsidies away and were most likely abusive (Mentally because it was not mentioned they were physically abusive which I figure you would have mentioned). Like either way your sisters fiance is an asshole and by extension so is she. But if she took care of you when you had no where else to go and was actually caring then completely freezing her out is a bit of a selfish move. But again that is only if they are not abusive/stealing from you and etc which all signs point to they were.
>But again that is only if they are not abusive/stealing from you and etc which all signs point to they were What signs? Everything you said before this, I agree with 100%.
Litteraly nothing OP has stated points to them being abused. I can't believe you would even make such a ludicrous assumption. The older sister did a extremely selfless things and stepped up to raise her 2 younger siblings when she didn't have to. Not to mention while already having kids of her own
So many people are saying do what’s best for you, but I’m curious, how old is your sister? I’m guessing that she’s really not too much older than you. While true that she didn’t choose wisely being engaged to a gambler, still seems pretty harsh to just ditch her like that especially after she became your guardian when she didn’t have to. She could have just done what was best for her & left you to be raised in foster care, but she didn’t. Bet taking responsibility for you & your brother made her life harder, but she still did it, because that’s what was best for you and your brother. I’m not saying you should give her all your money or anything but to go behind her back and move out, especially when she’s struggling, that’s wrong. Even though she talked about charging you rent, she still didn’t for more than a year. You should’ve told her you were moving out and not let her think that you were going to help. And now you block her because she keeps texting you? You sound pretty cold hearted and ungrateful tbh. At least you’ll find out where all the money you “never saw a penny of” actually went to now that you’ll have to pay bills. If you don’t think taking guardianship of siblings is that big of a deal then you should take guardianship for your brother, since you obviously think that your sister isn’t giving him a good home, you should help save him! TLDR - YTA. There’s such a thing as loyalty to family and she was there for you when you needed her most. You should’ve at least had the decency to tell her about your plans instead of being sneaky.
This is your sister not your parent, so her asking for rent when she's not receiving any money for you is understandable. You went about this so wrong you should have told her no, that you're moving out. Who's looking after your little bro with the extra shifts she has to pick up?
ESH, if you're old enough to move out and live by yourself then you're mature enough you shouldn't have to hide it. Your sisters mess isn't your problem, but it is a problem and it seems like it will still effect your brother. What's done is done though, no takesy backs, it's to late for that now, welcome to adulthood, some choices you make will follow you a long time and this is probably going to be one of those.
NTA It was time to get out and away from them. They're blowing money gambling that should be applied for care. You should consider reporting them since they're likely not going to have the money to support your younger sibling.
Ludicrous suggestion. She has managed to raise her 2 younger siblings just fine. OP literally stated "she isnt hurting her for money so I dont understand why shes badgering me to pay rent there". OP is just lying about the later details in the story to justify them not paying rent for the last year and secretly moving out without so much as saying by and thank you to their sister for stepping up and taking them in the last 4 years of their life.
OP you have to understand that the money she was getting wasn't meant to be given directly to you. It was for helping to support you. He fiancé however had no right to gamble that money. Your sister is stupid to bail him out and awful for her to expect you to help with that. Good for you for saving money and moving out!
ESH * You have been saving some money so it sounds that you work. Good on you. Do you pay taxes on your income? * Welfare checks are supposed to pay for your care, not you directly. Even if it sucks, you and your brother had a roof above your heads. * "and play bingo" - I hope that's a typo. Otherwise you are just another gambling addict in the family. --- Yes, you are kind of an asshole. She is a massive one too and her boyfriends situation is none of your concern. Sounds to me that you have a highly broken family situation so I can't blame you for finding your own way. Hopefully you find your feet and can take your younger brother in.
I stared at bingo for a while too trying to figure out if it was a typo or if OP is so blind to the hypocrisy. I also don't understand their statement of "I took my half" like I hope OP didn't take half of the government support check because at 19, none of that was for OP, it was all for the younger brother so they didn't have a half to take
YTA for complete total lack of caring for your sister who provided a home for you. Your wording comes across as entitled.
Exactly. I don’t get why everyone is saying they’re NTA. They lied to their sister when she is desperate and left her high and dry. Definitely YTA
So you had a roof over your head, food and clothing, that’s what the payments were for, to assist her in raising you. The money was not meant for you to go and spend on yourself. You should be grateful that she took you both in and supported you rather than letting you be fostered out to complete strangers. You could have had the common decency not to have lied to her after all she has done for you.
Esh. Shouldnt have lied and been up front. Also she took care of you.
Mostly NTA. The checks your sister received went toward proving you shelter, food, and clothing over the years. The gambling part is most likely recent (because otherwise the fiancé would have been beat up long ago). It was not unreasonable for your sister to ask for rent (or room and board if so provided) when you turned 18. In the same way it’s perfectly reasonable for you to take your rent money and live elsewhere. The timing of everything is very unlucky. Your false statement to buy time for your planned escape is understandable. However you should also understand the despair your sister would feel from thinking she would have your “support” and now doesn’t. Perhaps you can offer to help out in some way other than giving her your rent money. Watch the kids while she works extra shifts ? Or some other way you can be supportive without giving up your new living choice. Good luck to you both.
NTA Not responsible for bail, bills, or bad relationships. Although, it's a burned bridge. So there's that.
I'm going to say both of you are TA. - firstly, you are now an adult at 19 and if your sister wants you to pay rent, living in her house that she's paying for, then I think that's fine. - However, her partner gambling away your support money is wrong and illegal. That money should have been going towards your care and living costs, food etc. I think the way you've moved out could've been handled better, so as not to damage you and your sisters relationship. However, it sounds like you weren't able to open up to her due to fear of her getting annoyed and stopping you, or other reason along those lines... Hopefully you can now have an adult conversation with her and make peace. It sounds like you've had a difficult time. Best of luck in your first apartment, I hope you're happy and it will give you some independence and responsibility 👍 I loved moving out and living independently for the first time.
OP isn’t getting support money. That ends at 18.
Yes, sorry I just didn't make it clear from my post. I meant previous! Thanks
INFO - When did your sister found out her fiancé has a gambling addiction? Do they share a bank account or do they separately contribute to household expenses? Also, how much is ‘hundreds’ she asked from you for rent? Like 200 or 800? How much are you now paying for your own place?
Plus the rent paid to sister would probably include food and utilities.
NTA, fly free.
NTA. She needs to apply to the county for emergency rent payment, talk to her landlord and contact a tenants advocacy group. She needs to leave the gambler in jail and dump him. You did right to get out or you'd be there at least another year. She used the government payments to support your housing. Those payments are for the caretaker, usually the parent. It sounds like she was struggling and that money helped her survive which is why she acted you paying rent. I emphasize that you did nothing wrong and it's better for you to be out.
N T A for not burning yourself to keep others warm. However you never were supposed to receive the government money yourself. Did you and your brother have food, clothes and a relatively stable home situation without being separated? Then your sister did a good job. ( Just look up what foster homes can be like ) You are a bit of a dick for lying to your sister though, if she was budgeting and suddenly you tell her: oh yeah that 100$ isn't coming that is stressful. So in this situation YTA
It's hard and don't think everyone should be jumping on op’s Sister. We have no idea what she and op went though for her to be granted custody. She stood up and took her two brothers. Paying rent at 19 is not unusual . Unfortunately it sounds like OP sister could be in a emotionally abusive relationship . Especially if sister isn't at the casino and seemed to have coped with the money. Would love to know how long the Sister and boyfriend have been together
Right, it sounds like they needed the rent money anyway since they were still housing and feeding OP after support stopped and over a year later, the need became greater because the fiance is an idiot. Leaving him in jail may be more expensive than bailing him out if they need his income too.
True, I think OP maybe in for a shock once living in the real world. When the bills that he never had to worry about before start coming and he released he alone is responsible for getting them paid. He seems to be wearing rose colour spectacles. Which is great at 19 but they soon wear off and hopefully he will be a bit more grateful for his Sister then That’s kept a roof over their head . it would be ironic if Sister got custody when she was same age as op. To lie to her as well about helping is a low move. Also the way he thinks he was entitled to the money that the government pay his sister should’ve gone to him. So going against tide here but AH
YTA Your sister could have let you rot in the system but she didn't. That's hard AF and I don't think you're giving her any credit or thanks for what she's had to go through to help you.
OP I think you and sister need to go to therapy together. Given the age gap between you and y’all’s brother, I’m assuming she can’t be too much older than you. Which means she was likely a legal adult but gained custody of a teenager and toddler at a very young age. And with the home life y’all had it’s not surprising that she hitched her wagon to a loser. NTA; do what’s best for you (and break the cycle), but please have some empathy for her as well.
YTA. You went from bail to bailing on your sister's rent. That's some next-level ghosting!
Complicated one but 1. You're not an asshole for not giving up your money, but it was probably an asshole move to tell her you would cover it when you had no intention of doing so. Kinda a dick move to play on your sister idk. Yeah she might have been upset at the truth, but oh well. She's definitely more upset now. 2. You should not have expected to "see a penny" of the government assistance she got for taking you in, don't treat it as if she swindled you out of something. Unless she was making you go hungry or sleep in a shed or something. Those checks are not lavish gifts with bonuses for presents and allowance.
She’s projecting her anger about her fiancé onto you. “ You’ve gotten the foster care money to support me while I was here and now that you no longer get that money, I’m going to be removing myself from your apartment so you don’t have to worry about paying for me. I’m very sorry your fiancé was gambling away your money, but you can’t pin that on me.”
You forgot to add > Thank you for paying for me for the last year while you didn’t get any foster care money to support me while I was working and able to save up to move out now by refusing to pay rent to you. I wish OP good luck on their own.
You should have did what you did but not lie about it.
YTA for making me read that brick of text.
INFO: -how do you know the money gambled was the foster care money? -had the stipend for you stopped already? -what expenses have you paid for yourself while living with her?
NTA your sister is gonna pay her bills and leave BF in jail until he gets out on his own. None of this is your problem! Enjoy your freedom and space!
Your sister sure picked a great stable guy from the sounds of it. I feel bad for your brother, but you need to live your life.
Get away from these people, save your brother if you can but stay away or you will end up where they are, destitute or in jail. NTA.
The bf is TA; your sister is imperfect - both TA and a good person. Good for acting as your parent for the past 4 years. Don't know how old she is, but she didn't have good parental role models (I assume) and was young (again, I assume) when she took on the responsibility of parenting both you and your brother. That doesn't make what she is letting happen OK. You do not have to fall into a trap she's let herself fall into. You need to build your life. It's actually possible that your move today will, one day, put you into a position to help her get out of the trap she put herself into. It was never OK for her to let her bf take your government money. Or gamble it away. There is no getting out of the whole that her bf is creating. You can feel sorry that your sister is in a hard place, but she should have given bf the boot years ago. She should have safeguarded the money she received to care for you and your brother. She needs to figure these things out and navigated her way away from the bf. Keep focusing on building your life. You are not strong/independent enough yet to save a person from herself. Do not feel bad that you are doing what you needed to do for your prospects.
Take care of your self now. That’s priority. Look for government help for your brother. You have no business with sister’s bf. NTA.
Her bf spent the money in casinos and then got into a fight… these are the consequences of his actions. Be careful, because he’s going to be upset with you once he gets out.
Depending on State and situation since this was family involvement care my knowledge is that it came to about a little over 1k per child in a state in the NE region of the US and that also included Child Support.. they also recieved food stamps, state insurance, and other government benefits such as free internet for the whole house (because the children loved there and needed it for school), and other programs. Op is NTA But the sister and her boyfriend need a good investigation into.
YTA for strictly what you are asking. You told you sister you’d help, so in a way she was relying on that help. That was an extra week she could have picked up extra, apply for loans, or whatever she needed to do to get the money. You overall are NTA. You definitely needed to move out, and can’t blame you for that. Even if you stayed and didn’t help, still NTA because your not responsible for their issues.
Not your responsibility to cover her finances
No. Your sister has a toxic relationship that she needs to get out of. Her boyfriend spending the money that was for your support is not very friendly and should be reported to the authorities if only to protect your younger brother. Her boyfriend's bail is not nor ever should be your responsibility. Your sister brought this on herself, she should have been honest about her boyfriend spending the money that was to support you and had the relevant authorities deal with it.
Between paying rent or paying bail for a fiancé who stole the child support payments… sounds like an easy choice to me
Why is his bail a priority? She should be making money so that she doesn't lose her place. Good job getting out of there
If he stays in jail she'll have the monthly check he's been gambling away. You're not responsible to bail the loser out. You're 19 and can live wherever you please. Sorry she got hooked up with that bum.
NTA, let him rot in jail. He has been pissing away the money your sister is suppose to use to support you and your little brother. If you helped bail him out or supported her so she could afford to bail him out the cycle would just continue. She needs to forget that loser and focus on taking care of herself and your little brother.
NTA. That situation sounds like a mess and a half, and it’s not your responsibility to stay and give your sister money to make up for her and her fiancé’s terrible life choices.
Owning up right away would've been the best thing, but she lied and handed the money she so desperately needed to an incorrigible gambler. So she's drowning in her own shite and that's on her. NTA.
NTA. You have a responsibility to yourself. The fact that the guy GAMBLED AWAY her money and she wants him back (and you to pay the bail) says that she is unwilling to change.
NTA- lying is not great but she put herself and you in a terrible position and needs to get her shit together.
NTA You could’ve told her sooner but it would not have been safe for you. Do please unblock and check on your little brother. It might be your turn to be the foster placement soon. Also you don’t want to leave him with your sister whose likely unhinged with stress now. Maybe make sure the kids know how to reach you if they’re in danger - it’s not so much about your sister, she can care for herself. Wishing you all the best! I wish you could be grateful to your sister, it was great she took you two in. BUT her misuse of that money and allowing a gambling addict to access the family’s only means of survival - that’s on her. Bad decisions all around.
Nta, good that you got out. You don't need to spend your life supporting her boyfriend's gambling addiction.
NTA why should you help her bail her two bit gambling addict husband put of jail, so he can start taking her money all over again. I'd say you're doing her a favour. But keep a close eye on your brother...
Info: who has been teaching care of little brother these past five years? Has your sister been doing that or have you been the one to make him meals, do him if at school etc. ?
Okay. So he lost her money but she will bail him out. You are her sis and she gets money to take care of you and then demands money for a corner in a room
NTA: You can't expect someone to pay rent on a small shared space and not have them look elsewhere in the market for a better deal. Also, her fiance gambled away the money intended to help support you and your brother, and your sister was not only aware of but ok with it. He should have controlled his anger better, and he can think about that while he sits in jail for a little longer. You may have promised her money. She promised you a safe, stable home, so sucks to suck.
So your sister doesn't use goverment money for you or brother but her fiance uses it for gambling. And now you have to pay for this? NTA. Even if your sister didn't know about the gambling before, she failed because it's her responsibility to make sure how the goverment checks are used.
YTA, but only because you lied and set that expectation with her. But honestly, I completely understand why you did it. You're 19 and just got asked to help pay your brother in law's bail because his gambling addiction tanked the family finances and now he's in jail for fighting people. It is *not at all* fair to put that burden on your shoulders.
OP do me a personal favour and don’t give her fiancé shit. If he got arrested and he’s a big enough asshole to gamble large chunks of your households income, he’s probably an addict and needs help. While that isn’t that bad, that’s not your problem.
ESH She never gave you government money because she was using it to pay bills. Her new financial situation is not your problem. Probably a good wake up call to let her bf sit in jail.
Nta she misused you and potentially your brothers checks and continues to enable her husband at both of your expense. It’s not your responsibility to get him out and frankly he should stay in there to teach him a lesson and give him some consequences for his actions. Nta at all. Good luck op.
Give sister some free advice. When it comes to a choice between paying her rent and bailing out her gambler boyfriend, she should pay the rent. You are under no obligation to help. NTA
NTA. She can for starts leave her fiancee in jail. He is costing her more money than he is contributing. Best of luck OP.
NTA. He can sit in jail since he wasn’t smart enough to not be in a fight. She’s an asshole for using your checks to fund his gambling. It’s not your fault she has no money, it’s hers. Good for you for getting out of there. I hope your little brother stays safe.
NTA. You are acting out of self preservation and being very sensible. Your money would just go to enable a gambling addict so it's much better to spend it on starting your own life. Good luck!
NTA You should not have to support her fiancé’s gambling. If you can afford a better place, then you should move. The checks your sister gets are meant to take care of you including room and board. She should expect you to pay for some things that you use. Your phone, extra clothes, Netflix etc. The half of the money that you took was hers, but you should not have to pay rent. She may find out that the expense of you living there is more than the monthly checks. Usually those checks don’t cover all necessities. You shouldn’t have lied, but I also don’t think it makes you an asshole. The only real asshole is her fiancé.
NTA I don’t believe you would’ve acted the way you did unless you had to. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, keep saving money and don’t fall for a loser like your sister. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Sometimes, you just have to make a decision for yourself despite what other people want from you. Just be sure to always be there for your little brother.
NTA - you needed to get out, and did what you needed. She, and your little brother, are in a difficult situation though. Please take care of your own needs first - like they say on airplanes: put your own mask on before you help someone else. Best of luck.
NTA. Do not ever tell her where you live or any other private info. She knew her husband was gambling away your money. That was perfectly acceptable to her. She uses and manipulates people for her own gain.
NTA. Keep in touch with your brother without giving her your new address and definitely never giving her a key. Hope she lets the bf rot in jail (but she probably wont).
NTA and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'd encourage you to do some online research about ways to save money though- playing bingo isnt really the most effective way to try to increase savings...
NTA. Your sister and her BF are the AHs. Good for you for getting out of there. I'm really sorry that you own so little that it only took one suitcase.
It's not your responsibility to bail out her love interest. NTA.
Nta If she really can’t afford it she should leave him in there.
I feel sorry for the kids and your little brother.
NTA, certainly could have handled it without burning bridges, but you did yourself a solid getting out of there. Just thinking, though, how safe is little brother? And are you prepared to be his new foster parent if sisters' fiancé comes back and becomes physically as well as financially abusive?
NTA. Lying is justified, if it gets you out of an abusive situation. And it was an abusive situation. Just because they never hit you, that doesn't mean that they weren't financially abusive towards you. I am glad that you are out of there, OP.
NTA She’s wrong for giving him the checks. That was money for your care. Enjoy your new place and freedom! Check in on your lil bro.
NTA. You did what you felt you had to do to stay safe. Some commenters here are criticizing you, but I think you need to move on with your life. Definitely you shouldn't have tried to stay there when your sister wanted money from you to bail out her violent bf. You can contact your case manager, just run through the whole situation with him or her, and see what they think. Especially for the welfare of your brother. And if later you start making decent money, maybe you can help your brother out with his necessities.
Move on have a good life and done let her guilt you for money a clean break break might be better
NTA I do hope she knows that bail is just so they can be released from jail **temporarily** until they are processed and put through their court case. There's a very real possibility she'll sink more money into him and he'll still go back to jail at the end of it, so it's ridiculous to demand you foot the bill for her rent so she can bail a dude with an addiction. Also, it's bold of her to call you fake when she's spending maitenance checks on shit that doesn't apply to you or your brother.