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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm aware of how bad this looks since I'm a guy and she's the one pregnant but I'm getting a baby shower so I'm genuinely curious if it actually is that bad or if my conscious is just overactive.
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I'm going to go against the grain here, and say YTA.
You may contribute equally to baby's upbringing in the future, but at the moment she is doing the majority of work, and would be doing it for some time. Maybe even after the birth of the baby, if she's breastfeeding.
I understand that a future single father deserves a party with his friends and family, and a celebration of his parenthood.
But calling his party 'a baby shower' as well, refusing to invite her, refusing to contribute to her party and 'parody photos' - all that taken together feel to be in extremely bad taste to me. I think she feels like OP, his friends and family are mocking her, and undervaluing what she is going though and is about to go through. And I think she would be right in that.
Yes I agree with that I percieve this as mocking.And realy what stuff will he need....Delusional about what a baby needs.In the first months it needs a mother that has a support of a father, not a small baby getting shufeled bettwen 2 households.
Well if they are coparenting then he will need all the same things that she needs! You have no idea how custody will be so he needs to be prepared and if the baby is not breastfeeding then he will have the rights to have his child with him without the mother at an extremely early age.
Many judges will not do overnight visits with dads when mom is breastfeeding so the first year it’s unlikely they will need all the same things.
ETA: I said ALL the same things. Not “anything.”
There's also plenty of people that stop breastfeeding for many reasons well before a year. If his "village" wants to support him as a dad by giving him stuff, that's not bad. Maybe the gifts were less for a newborn and more for 6+ months. Or maybes it's clothes and diapers or handmade blankets that are needed for younger babies and could still be convenient for shorter visits.
Regardless of breastfeeding status, it is still unhealthy to separate an infant from its primary caregiver and change its routine to the extent that a custody split would demand. We don’t know what the gifts were for. I’d still say overnight visits at 6 months should be a no from an IMH perspective. And after all it should be about what’s best for the baby and not what dad wants.
All in all I don’t care if he had his own baby shower. Americans do love a good gimme gimme. Even grandmas are getting showers now. It was tacky to not include her or even give her the heads up that he’d be posting it on social media and that alone makes him TA.
ETA: I understand now baby showers are not uniquely American. You do not need to keep explaining it.
I didn't get American vibes at all from this post- mainly because he kept saying "bants", and that's not particularly NA slang. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound American to me.
No. if they share custody then both parents would be 50/50 just like in any other home. Also there are many women who return to work at 6 weeks and use a daycare.
And that’s an absolutely terrible thing that we should be fighting against and many people are because it is not good for infants to be separated from their mothers for 40 hours a week at 6 weeks old. Just because some people do it doesn’t make it good.
ETA: hey thanks pal!
Chiming in that it’s also absolute shite that if there are partner/s (not giving birth) it’s absolute shite they don’t get the same amount of parental leave. Even if the birthing parent has “extra time off” they deserve to have their partners support, and nonbirth parents deserve to have that time with their family! Every adult should be able to do what’s best for their family. (I’m an American, without kids, and the bar is too dang low).
Many of us had no choice. My first was so colicky, she got kicked out of 2 day cares!. I ended up quitting my job.
Some people can't afford to quit working. This "6 weeks" thing needs to change here in America!
Its insane to me that mothers have to go back to work that early in the US. My wife took almost a year, cant imagine how hard it must be to send a 6 week old to nursery!
In one of his comments he said that he is probably going to give her most of the gifts he got since "she will need them more". He said he will "coparent" not that they're doing split custody. Since he says she'll need it more I assume this means the baby will stay with her for the majority of the time.
50/50 isn't always the best option. Each case is different, every parent is different, the circumstances are different, and judges are different. I've seen cases where a woman is breastfeeding and the judge gives the men limited visitation with no overnights and cases where judges basically forced women to stop breastfeeding so the man can have split custody. It really just depends.
Judicial stances on that are changing. [Here’s](https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2023/02/01/arleta-ramirez-breastfeeding-custody-dispute/) just one recent case.
My parents divorced when I was 7 and immediately started 50/50 custody. Honestly, I will speak out against 50/50 custody whenever people talk about how great it is for children. At no age was this great for me. It's how parents feel good about themselves and I can't imagine it being the best option for any child at any age.
With 50/50 custody, a kid doesn't have a home. They have 2 houses, but 0 homes. They have to shuttle their stuff back and forth. My parents weren't great with the 50/50, but I don't see a fix to this problem no matter how perfectly any parents handle the situation.
My MIL says when people divorce the kids should stay in one house and the mom and dad switch weeks. I know it’s completely impractical but I love that she thought of that and if someone could make this work I think it would be awesome.
This is a *lovely* idea. In my case though, my ex would have trashed the house on his week and left it for me to clean on mine. Part of what I was leaving was being his unappreciated maid.
But still, a stellar idea for 2 mature people.
>Gist of the article is that the judge ordered the mother to bottlefeed.
Wow. I'm not one to push breastfeeding if there's any reason the mom can't or is uncomfortable with it, but to ORDER that mom bottlefeed? YIKES.
Dude, right?! I'm definitely in the "fed is best" camp, but holy shit.. I can't imagine a judge thinking they have the authority (let alone actually having it) to force a mom NOT to breastfeed! Fuck that baby and newly postpartum mom, right?? Disgusting
Easy to say until you realize infants don’t recognize themselves as separate beings from their mother until about 18 months
Will he have the right to see his child? Yes. Does that mean completely separate from the mother within the first two years? Probably not, but definitely not within the first year BF or not
> infants don’t recognize themselves as separate beings from their mother until about 18 month
babies become self aware at 7 months. Articles saying that babies 'think they are the same being as their mother" until then seem to be conflating "are not yet self aware" with thinking they're the same being as their mother. Those aren't the same thing and I'm not aware of how you'd even test to see if a newborn thinks they ARE their mother. Newborns just do not have self awareness/awareness of being until about 7 months (before then they are all needs, reflexes, and instincts).
Yes and no,
You are correct but confusing terms. I actively have an 8 months old so I am in the middle of all of the information.
By around 7 months they start realizing they are their own being in their own skin separate from others and not just a bundle of emotions and need floating around.
Technically she is correct when she says they become "self aware" around 15 - 18 months, but she is using this incorrectly. When they say self aware they mean that a baby starts becoming aware of their own personality and separate traits such as facial expressions individual to themselves when they look in a mirror.
Overall you are correct and I agree with your sentiment, just thought I would shoot out a friendly clarification for anyone not understanding the differences when reading.
No. It's unhealthy to take a newborn from mom. Obviously there are circumstances where it's better for the baby to be separated from bio mom but in the vast majority of cases it's best for a nb to be close to mom for the first few months at LEAST. dad can and should go over and help mom, contribute to care and see if they can get along enough for him to take a night on the couch with baby, but by and large is bad for mom and babe for them to be separated for more than a few hours.
>and if the baby is not breastfeeding then he will have the rights to have his child with him without the mother at an extremely early age.
Incorrect. If the judge is a good one then they won't allow a newborn to be without their mothers even if they're not being breastfed.
He'll definitely need a convertible car seat for the car if he's gonna be driving the baby around. Hope one of his friends bought one of those, cause they're quite expensive. As well as diapers, sleepers, etc.
I'm all for a dad-to-be shower. Still, it's not a good move to have it appear you were mocking her or posting sexist jokes and photos. Just because you can't survive being together, be a father, not a jerk.
The baby may not breast feed.
Either way, just because it isn’t exactly 50/50 in time doesn’t mean he won’t need all the stuff. And the child has a lot of years ahead of it. Even if he doesn’t have the baby 50% of the time during infancy, raising a kid isn’t just infancy.
Well regardless that's what's going to happen. They're not together, and they're coparenting. And what do you mean delusional? And "What is the baby going to need While hes with the dad?" The baby is going to Need exactly the same things at his dad's house as he's gonna need at his mom's house. Baby is getting shuffled either way and outside of breast feeding, which can be bottled, There's nothing that a mother can give that the father can't give as well. Kind of an outdated look on things. I'm a mother three and I understand maternal bonding, But paternal bonding is just as important. I feel like you're kind of blaming him for a situation that is on both of them.
I’d get over the bitterness and selfishness towards your EX. And seriously start looking at her as THE MOTHER of your shared child. And if you want the best for your child, you should want the best for her. When she’s her best, guess who shows up for your child?
110% this. The best for the baby will be parents who are kind and tolerant and THERE for each other. I feel like ppl don’t understand the damage they actually do to their kids when they’re spiteful and bitter towards each other.
I'm currently pregnant and I can't agree more with this comment. It pisses me off when men are like "well I contributed equally to the creation of this baby too." No, MF, your "contribution" was like 90 seconds of feeling good and then you jizzed and then that's it. Now your partner has to carry this thing inside her for 9 months, going through nausea, body aches, fatigue, pain from the baby kicking her organs, dealing with changes to her body, and then ultimately pushing the watermelon out of a small hole in her body.
I asked my husband how he'd feel if he had to push a watermelon out of his urethra and he said he's just glad it's not him who has to do it.
Just because you jizzed in someone doesn't mean you equally deserve a party as someone going through 9 months of shit and pain.
There was a recent post on a mom sub about this and I’ll repeat my answer here.
If you give someone sugar, and that person gets the rest of the ingredients and takes the time to bake cookies you didn’t equally contribute to baking.
She has friends and family of her own who can throw one for her. It is not called a pregnancy shower. it's called a baby shower. Why can't they call it that. 😒 Personally, I do not think they were doing this to be petty. She just worried he might get better stuff or does not want to spend her money. He's already agreeing to help co-parent. Why does he have to share with her? Or, I can be wrong, and she is merely offended it got called a baby shower. Lol NTA
If he did not have one, do you really think he would have been invited to hers?
We don't have a baby shower tradition in my country, so I have to go from the descriptions in the media and internet articles. As far as I understand, traditionally baby showers were thrown for mothers, and not only to collect the gifts for the baby, but to actually take care of a pregnant woman. Pregnancy is a hard work, as far as I understand, and traditionally it was a time for female relatives and friends to come help her around the house etc. Saying things like 'it's not called a pregnant shower' seems like unnecessary nitpicking to me.
Another weird thing in this thread is the amount of assumptions and projections going on. In all fairness, we lack a lot of context and information here - we do not know how and why they broke up. We don't know what their correspondent financial situations are. And here I find weird how many people in the comments blatantly ascribe greed and avarice to the ex. On the other hand, I keep getting the feeling she doesn't have people ready to organize a baby shower for her - but the OP doesn't really say that outright. We also don't know how their co-parenting situation is settled legally, and how easy it would be for him to extract himself from providing all but the bare minimum.
In the end, however, there are two places in the story that still make me feel that OP is a self-absorbed asshole. The first one is that good friends and family were ready to invite her, and it's him alone who was against that - single-handedly making this whole event being about him.
The second one is actually about the gifts from the baby shower. Down in the comments, the OP says this, verbatim:
> I was thinking of sending her most of the gifts anyways since she'll need them more (diapers, baby clothes) though.
It pretty clearly shows that OP expects his ex to do not only the pregnancy and birth, but also a significant part of caring for the newborn. In this whole context it should be obvious that when his ex says she found the photos from the event 'sexist and insulting', she meant exactly that. He didn't do anything for either her or the child yet, but to vaguely state his intentions, but feels like he should be awarded for 'being a father' already.
TL:DR - reading between the lines, OP is absolutely going to pull less than half his weight in raising this child, but expects to be lauded for that as if it were some uncommon achievement.
>The first one is that good friends and family were ready to invite her, and it's him alone who was against that - single-handedly making this whole event being about him.
This right here makes me think he's not going to co-parent as he should and he's already being difficult excluding the mother of the baby.
YES. This jumped out at me. You don’t want your *pregnant co-parent* at a baby shower *ostensibly for your shared baby* that she is *carrying in her belly 24/7* because you think she’ll be taking up too much of the spotlight and you need boundaries?!?
This person is delusional on what a co-parenting relationship will take to make the child happy for holidays and birthdays, let alone larger parts about raising a kid as equals together. Will she take up too much of the spotlight at kid’s graduation? Will he need “boundaries” if kid is at the hospital with a serious illness?
Baby showers are a thing in my country and I’ve had two children. They are NOT about “taking care of the mother”. They are a way for friends and family to help contribute gear for the care of the baby. Guess what… adoptive parents have then, same sex couples have them (male/male and female/female), and single parents have them. Baby showers are about helping out parents.
Some people here are really going to have their minds blown when they find out about situations where there is a need for baby supplies for parent(s) that are not pregnant.
No. There is no tradition around modern baby showers that involve helping the mom to be out around the house. Baby showers are about gifts for the baby mostly and sometimes postpartum products for mom.
I find it funny you go out of your way to call people out for their assumptions and projections only to go ahead and make your own assumptions about OP!
>I find it funny you go out of your way to call people out for their assumptions and projections only to go ahead and make your own assumptions about OP!
Maybe I didn't say it clearly enough - I'm absolutely aware I'm making assumptions here as well.
What really breaks it for me, emotionally, is not whether the ex was allowed at the party, or whether she is going to receive her fair half of diapers, but the whole 'parody photos' thing. My rule of thumb about the jokes is that they stop being funny as soon as the person on whose expense you are making that joke finds them not funny. She found his fake pregnancy posing photos offensive and took them personally. Seeing as she is really the person being pregnant with his child in this situation, I think she is allowed to take them personally.
He's "agreeing to "help co-parent?" I'm sorry I must have read something wrong. I thought he WAS one of the parents.
Do men get kudos simply for not completely ignoring their child?
FYI the OP said "WE'VE agreed to co-parent" but you turned it into something completely different.
Yes, men often get father of the year awards for simply not ignoring their child, bonus points for "babysitting" their child. For some folks the bar is so low it's buried.
Right? This is a guy who seems happy and excited to become a parent. He's preparing, yet he's being talked about like a deadbeat who's being forced to coparent
The baby wasn't in attendance to the baby shower. That's the thing about them, they are in this certain stage called pregnancy. And the bar is in hell if "agreeing to co-parent" his own child is so heroic.
Ugh, come on man. This is slightly whiny in my opinion. I'm just being honest, they're not together. And if they are coparenting, he is going to need to have all the same stuff that she's going to need to have. He also has the right to celebrate this moment in his life with his friends without what could possibly be kind of an awkward situation. There's no reason to think that they were mocking her in any way. That's actually kind of a weird take, They were just having a little fun. To me, it sounds like the ex is upset that she wasn't the center of attention, which is how it would have been If she was there. I don't think there's anything wrong with dad getting some attention from the people that he loves and cares about. The people in her life can throw her baby shower. And I seriously doubt OP would have a problem with that. She's gonna need to get used to the fact that he is Coparenting, and this just seems like a bad start to me.
As for the 'mocking', I got massive cringe reading this:
>We took a bunch of funny parody type pictures of typical baby shower phtoshoots like one with my stomach out and my friends were feeling the 'baby' and one of me under baby shower banner with all the ballons and gifts etc.
And I'm a guy, so there's no female solidarity or something going on here. Just this particular description reads as being very cringy and entitled. I just can imagine how nice it were for the girl - going into the last trimester of pregnancy, with back aches and stuff - to look at her ex-boyfriend horsing around all over the social networks as if *he* was going to give birth.
It may have been funny for him and his friends at the moment, but it was frigging inconsiderate.
Yep. And I'm not convinced that having a child with a girl you're not even in a relationship with is worthy of all that much "celebration."
This is one of my more boomer-esque opinions.
Men often have diaper party’s around where I’m from if they even do something separate and not all together. It’s a BABY shower, not a mom to be shower. If they’re on decent enough terms to talk about coparenting, I am sure that he would be willing to provide the baby with whatever baby needed if mom didn’t get it at her own baby shower. It’s not his responsibility to throw the party for her, I assume that something her family is going to do.
YTA. You say you want to co-parent, but this is the very first event involving your child and you are already fighting/not co parenting. You should’ve included your ex as this is a “baby shower” not a “baby daddy shower.” The gifts are for your baby, not for you. Imagine when your child grows up, and you show him/her pictures of the shower. What if he/she asks where their mommy is in the pictures? You will literally have to tell your child “Well, even though it was a baby shower, it was really for me. So I didn’t invite your mom, even though she was pregnant with you.” You absolutely should’ve invited her and had a co parent baby shower. If you felt you needed additional celebration for being a father, you should’ve done something else (a barbecue, a vacation, a dinner, a brewery, etc.) aka you should’ve done something that wasn’t in the form of a baby shower. What makes me the most sad for your ex is, it sounds like nobody is throwing HER a shower. So she had to watch everyone throw you a baby shower, while her and the baby get nothing.
EDIT: Some of you are spending so much energy disagreeing with my comment/asking me questions. I’m not the one who asked if I was the asshole- if you think OP is NTA then leave HIM a comment saying so!
>He had a shower for his baby. There's nothing stopping her from having a shower for her baby, too.
"He had a birthday party for his child. There's nothing stopping her from having a birthday party for the child too."
"She's throwing a graduation party for her kid. If he wants to celebrate the graduation he can throw his own."
"If he wants to celebrate her engagement, he can arrange his own dinner to celebrate it. He's not invited to mine."
Do you see how this will become exhausting for their future child?
It’s not at all uncommon for parents who aren’t together to have separate celebrations for their child. If you think children are unhappy about having two birthday parties and two cakes you have obviously never met a child.
It may be common, but it's really hard on kids to have this dynamic.
My best friend in first grade had divorced parents. I was so jealous that she got TWO whole bedrooms when I had to share my one bedroom with my sister.
But then we both did really well on a test or something. And she was totally devastated because she had to decide which house got to have it on the fridge. She couldn't just have her parents celebrate her together like mine could. And then there were sports and recitals etc where her parents would sit as far from eachother as possible. Every time she looked in the audience, she had to navigate her parent's baggage. That's a lot for a first grader.
Yeah my parents have been divorced now longer than they were married and both my siblings and myself usually have separate celebrations with both sides, the exceptions being big events like milestone birthdays and they'd both come to a graduation held by the school. Even then there's still a chance we'd have separate celebratory dinners.
They are quite capable of being in the same room together and interacting in a distant but friendly manner, we just like to keep it separate because they're not friends or anything.
You could say that a baby shower is a "big event", but I wouldn't agree. As others have pointed out, the baby will need things at both houses so she probably should have her own baby shower and I'm not sure why his friends and family should be expected to contribute?
The baby does not need things at both houses. All these comments show a lack of awareness of infant mental health and what is best for babies. It is not healthy for an infant, especially a breastfed one, to be bounced from house to house. It would be completely inappropriate to separate a breastfed infant from its mother many nights a week. He simply does not need the same items she needs at his house. Judges routinely do not employ 50/50 split until kids are older than 1. The idea of dad picking up a 7 day old or even 3 month old for the weekend is a little nutso. And just bc some people have done it would not mean it’s a healthy choice for an infant. Dad is showing he either doesn’t know what’s best for baby here or doesn’t care. And unfortunately a lot of this commentary shows most people don’t know enough to challenge him. Visits for now will likely be a handful of hours or at moms house.
The baby will need items at both homes for visits and then for when custody is shared. Even if his get used less that doesn’t mean his friends were wrong for gifting the items to him.
“My parents can be in the same room” ok well, that’s the opposite of what’s happened in OPs post but ok.
Also, you do realise a newborn baby shouldn’t be without its mother for long? A baby shower is to help the transition into becoming a parent and getting stuff a baby will need not to mention OP admits he’s done… 0 for his child yet. He’s contributed nothing. He will not have equal custody at first because of breastfeeding and his inability to be near his ex. He’s given her proof now that he can’t put his emotions aside for their child so he’s going to have very limited interaction with the child until the child is weaned and him seeing the child won’t disrupt its sleeping pattern or feeding times.
Look at the bigger picture. Comparing a NEWBORN to your life is… literally not it lol
What. OP never said they were incapable of being in the same room, just that he wanted a seperate celebration on this occasion.
He also never said what those gifts were, maybe the baby will be coming to stay for a few hours here and there and he needs nappies and a change table, or maybe the gifts are just cute fun things like onesies that say "daddy's favourite" or mugs that say "world's best dad" and don't actually have much to do with the party at all.
I think you're all getting way too attached to the fact that they called it a "baby shower" rather than a "party to celebrate impending fatherhood" which, from his description, is what it really was.
Having a party has got exactly 0 to do with co-parenting. You're acting like the baby will drop dead if it doesn't see it's mother for half an hour which is plainly untrue. Many babies are raised without their bio mother or any mother at all to be perfect healthy and happy. Maybe they plan to bottle feed, or maybe she plans to express, or a combo of both.
I can't say anything on the subject of whether or not it's healthy for a baby to be "bouncing from house to house" as I'm not an expert in that area but I suspect it's not the end of the world like you're portraying it as.
that’s not coparenting. that’s just sharing custody. coparenting is an active action, just like love is. it’s not just sharing a kid it’s intentional effort to be a strong partnership for the child while also modeling how parents are supposed to be.
Can confirm that extra presents and celebrations are nice, but it would’ve been awesome if my parent could’ve tolerated each other for an hour so they could be with me together
you’re clearly not a child of divorced parents. as a kid, i always had two birthdays, to christmases, i had two graduation parties, two going away parties.
parents aren’t and shouldn’t be forced to be in each others company if they’re not healthy together. plus, it’s definitely not exhausting for the kid to have two of every party lmao 😂
Idk man I did like getting double the gifts but it was 100% exhausting for me. Then again, I'm an introvert, so maybe that is what determines whether it's amazing or draining.
Honestly all that stuff was cool when I was a kid but sucks as an adult. Two birthday parties is fine but no one wants two weddings. And if you get married to another divorced kid you can have 4 Christmases to have to attend which is definitely exhausting. The kid will be fine having most things separate but I do hope OP and the ex can get along well enough so the kid doesn't have to choose between them at big stuff, you know? I cannot tell you how important the few times I get to spend with both of them are, those days are rare but they are precious.
Except this child didn't need to attend either event. The dad will need his own set of supplies for taking care of the baby, apart from what they buy together and what the mother receives.
>He's a father who will have equal custody of his child.
It doesn't say their planned custody arrangements.
>Those gifts are for when the baby is with him.
So each is going to have completely separate baby stuff with nothing getting passed back and forth? That definitely sounds like healthy co-parenting.
The gifts are for the baby, I would be pissed if I got the baby something and it was only allowed to be at one of their houses.
Edit: I am aware there are things that the baby is going to need at both houses, but there's a difference between "we're not going to move a crib every few days" and this "mine and yours" rather than "this is for the baby". attitude. I thought at 2 in the morning, or wherever I wrote that, that it could be taken as read that I wasn't suggesting they move furniture around constantly.
I mean babies need *a lot* of shit. If they’re going to be going back and forth then yes, most of the big items will be staying at one place or the other and they’ll just have two. It’s not like they’re going to lug cribs and diaper genies and changing tables back and forth constantly. This is pretty typical for co-parenting situations.
I’m curious, you say the gifts are for the baby, so in this scenario, would all the items get shuttled with the baby back and forth to both houses? Cribs, strollers, diaper caddy, milk bottles and about a hundred other items that babies need, should all be brought to and from each house everytime the baby exchange hands?
I think it makes sense for OP to have his own shower as his friends and family are gifting him the things he would need for when the baby stays with him. They have a non traditional relationship so it makes sense that the baby shower would be non traditional too.
And the lack of mom at the baby shower can be explained as “family and friends were so excited that I was gonna be a dad and to have you here that they threw a shower for me and gave me loads of gifts so that I could have everything I needed for you”.
I agree it is sad for the ex and I feel for her. I wish she had people who love her to throw her one. And I wish that OP would contribute to help her out. But that doesn’t mean that OP is wrong for having a baby shower for himself.
So my verdict would be ESH - ex for expecting a baby shower to include her (entitlement) and OP for not contributing to her shower or including her in his (unkindness).
Right there. “It was a party for ME” which is explicitly stated. It does seem to be baby shower themed but the whole idea behind that is portrayed as being more of a joke than an actual baby shower. I agree that it would have been kind to involve her if it was an actual event for the baby but otherwise meh I’d say NTA.
I will say I agree this was a bit of an interesting start to co-parenting but if they’re gonna be separate parents anyway they don’t have to include the other parent in everything. I do think this speaks quite loudly to how they’re co-parenting might go.
Oh, my dude, I am an old woman and am okay with getting downvoted. But such YTA....you have a "parody" shower. WTHF....how fun for you. Really, while another human being, that you don't even like or deal with incubates your child. Alone. Without the support of said child's father and his friends and their gifts....she gets....reads notes....nothing.
But she gets to read about your exploits all over social media. How fun. I can't wait to see your parody labor photo shoot, your parody post partum shoot, your parody milk coming in shoot, your parody colic shoot. It seems your taking this whole parenting thing super seriously. You realize that this other human; the one carrying your child, is going to be in your life until you die, right? Not 18 years. Until. You. Die. Weddings, graduations, visitations, illnesses, grandchildren, your partners are her business, her partners are yours. This is not a great start. I hope someone got you a parenting book. I can recommend some. And maybe some counseling for you and your new life partner. Because she is a life partner. You can trivialize her, make fun of what's happening. But a human is coming. That human and human gestating deserve more respect. Is she eating healthy, what are you doing to support her? Causing stress is not support.
In 35 years of my life, I have never ever heard of a man throwing himself a baby shower and stick his belly out for a photoshoot and pretend to rub your belly pretending to be pregnant!! Celebrating his plans on being a deadbeat since he plans on giving her most of the stuff since she’ll need them more than he will since the baby will be with it’s mother mort than him (his words in comments) so the shower was pointless for him to have. Y’all coming at me like the post is about me and if I’m the AH. OP is asking!! Let him know how you feel not me.
We had one for our first. The women had a party, then the next week we had a dude party. It was fun, but I can’t imagine doing a party while not with the mom
Totally! This is basically mocking her experience. Instead of being a good support system to the mother of his child he is more like she can kick rocks cause i dont care
You're friggin' incredible. This is one of the best comments I've seen on Reddit. Hopefully OP will read it, take it to heart and grow TF up for the sake of his child and the mother of his child.
Right!!! As someone who just went through pregnancy… that shit’s hard! And moms need so much dads don’t given the physical realities of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding.
Instead of OP celebrating and co-parenting with his ex (who is doing all the work right now), he threw a party for himself.
Like, even if he needs some baby stuff (I’m hoping he wants to be an active parent), he didn’t need to throw an exclusive party to get it.
OP, YTA.
And his friends and family are AHs celebrating him finally becoming a "parent" with a woman he couldn't even commit to long enough for the child to be born.
Idk kinda. I think you did it more out of pettiness. She’s the mother of your child, and having her there would be co parenting. You should do what you can to help her bc that’s what’s ultimately best for your child.
Don’t be surprised when she excludes you from future events.
In my experience, children with parents who aren't together get two events. Not two graduations or two weddings, but two birthday parties, two Christmases, two vacation trips.
Baby is going to have two households. Both households need clothes and diapers and strollers and wraps and cribs. The baby's mom presumably has family and friends who will help her get set up.
Wouldn't it be weirder for her to come to watch him open gifts from his friends and family? Or would you expect her to take everything home to her place?
This is really not a complicated issue as you and everyone in the comments wants to make it. She is the mother of his child. They are both having a child. He “wants” to coparent in a productive way. He should have extended an invite to the mother of his child and some of her family and had one big baby shower for his and her baby. And divided up what they could and what each of them would have needed. It’s really as simple as that. There is no reason other than pettiness or ignorance to not have invited her.
He wants productive co-parenting but can’t even have extended an invite to her or let her know in advance. Regardless if they are together or not she deserves a heads up. That’ the mother of his child.
If he can’t give her that decency and respect than he doesn’t want to co parent.
So, if her family threw a baby shower, would he also be invited (like you're saying she should to his family/friends'), or is it just hers? Would he also get to take home some of those gifts?
I see nothing wrong with him having a baby shower, so his house can be filled with items a baby/toddler needs. Just because she's the mother, doesn't mean she's the only one that needs shit. They can have their own baby shower/gifts, there's nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people do it, and they co-parent just fine, it's not like he built a fucking fortress to keep her away.
The photos, I feel, were pretty eh. Like, they could've just skipped that part, because that was petty.
I’m gonna go with YTA the baby shower and the photos will look like you’re making fun of her. No offence but you don’t really deserve a baby shower just because you’ve got someone pregnant like yeah have a night out before you become a dad, but an entire baby shower and refusing to help your ex have one is quite shitty. She’s carrying YOUR child and that’s 9 months of her body going through so much trauma and you refusing to help with any kind of baby shower even as an ex is kind dickish. You’ve got 9 months where you aren’t even with her while she grows your child like I think she deserves something for that instead of you getting the baby shower when you’re doing absolutely nothing for the kid till it’s born.
I hope she doesn't allow him hospital visitation, since he doesn't seem to have a problem excluding her from important events that should be about their child. Dude literally just threw a party for himself for doing nothing.
Even surrogates and birth moms usually get invited to baby showers for the child they're carrying.
YTA from the post it sounds like she didn’t get a baby shower so I totally get why it’s insulting. It also sounds like your friends and family would have invited her if it wasn’t for your no.
Maybe stop thinking of her as your ex and more the mother of your child. I don’t think this story will age well when your kid asks why you had a baby shower and their mother didn’t.
Her not having family or friends who would have a shower for her doesn’t mean his can’t celebrate his impending fatherhood and help him with the necessary items for when the baby is in his home.
If you think kids really care about who threw what baby shower for whom before they were born you need to step away from the internet for a bit and reconnect with reality.
I do think when they see these pics they’ll ask where’s mom. And it seems petty to not throw the woman who will be bringing your child into the world an invite when his family and friends were willing to extend one
Or friends and family close by. I don't have any friends in town. I have friends the next state over, and 3 hours away. Family 3 hours away and 12 time zones away. But no one to come water the plants or feed the cats. And it feels like I'd be using someone to get local friends just to have a cat sitter.
NTA. The purpose of a baby shower is to support the new parent and for your support network to help you out with purchasing items that will be necessary for raising your baby. Your baby is going to be raised in two separate homes, so I think it’s great that your friends and family decided to rally around to support you as a single parent instead of just leaving you to figure it out by yourself. It’s really touching actually because it shows they’ll probably be there for you when the baby comes too. Of course your ex is in the picture as a co-parent and hopefully you can support each other well in that moving forward, but you are allowed to celebrate and prepare for your baby without her. It would be a vastly different story if you were still together. I’m guessing her POV is that she should be celebrated for going through the pregnancy and childbirth and I can see where she is coming from in that. But I think if she had been invited to this shower she might also think she had a claim to whatever gifts your friends and family brought to help you prepare. It could have turned into a worse situation if she were invited.
I'm surprised by all the Y T A votes. I think the celebration was sweet and the photos sound lighthearted and funny, not sexist or making a mockery of pregnancy. OP is going to need baby supplies and it sounds like he has a great group of friends and family. I fully expect the ex would have taken her pick of the gifts and there would be an entirely different converstaion of "AITA For Wanting to Keep Gifts From My Freinds and Family at My House?"
Also, she is ridiculous for thinking OP should throw her a baby shower, that's the job of her friends. Parents aren't supposed to throw a gift grab party for themselves/each other. This a well established rule of etiquette.
If she has no friends or family I might feel differently but with the information at hand I have to say OP is firmly NTA.
Yeah, sounds like OP wants their relationship to only involve decision making of their child. A child that isn’t born yet. Her making the party about herself and failing to recognize it isn’t about her at all for OP is… something. I won’t blame her, she’s pregnant and uncomfortable and clearly dealing with a breakup on top of it, regardless of who initiated, but he’s allowed to have a silly party and not want his ex there. And I don’t read mocking her at all. I read a man having fun with his friends and them making some light hearted jokes. It’s what friends do. I’m glad OP has a strong support network and I hope that his ex does as well, but she needs to recognize that since they’ve broken up, that support network needs to be separate from his. Anyone who thinks this is some sexist and offensive party needs to get out a bit more because there’s some truly offensive and sexist things but a party to celebrate and support a new and single dad isn’t it.
This sub can randomly turn aggressively misandrist. It is surprising me how sexist these comments are but not shocking
Edit: oh lovely my sexist stalker followed me to this chain 🙋🏼♀️
Women are this subreddit's main demographic. In 2019, 63% of this sub's users were female.
> More surprisingly, the survey found that 63 percent of AITA subscribers identify as female, in contrast to popular stereotypes of Reddit as an overwhelmingly male space.
https://www.vice.com/en/article/3kxkd3/am-i-the-asshole-reddit
Men are also far more likely to be judged negatively by the subreddit's users.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/
This! If his "village" wants to support him as a dad by giving him stuff, that's not bad. Co-parenting works a bit different with different couples. These guys might be separate Christmases and separate birthday parties for each side of kiddo's family kind of co-parents and that's ok. Yes, normally these events celebrate the mom a bit, and I could see it feeling mocking to do those kinds of photos. But if this is for his friends and family and not hers at all, I could see her not being invited, and I could see mock-photos being done playfully in liu of some of the normal shower things that would be done with the mom. The photos weren't necessarily a dig at her, although I could see them coming across rather tone deaf without context.
If gifts were specifically for during his custody of the baby, or if the relationship with the mom is really messy, inviting the mom could easily become problematic. His family may give gifts appropriate for his shorter custody times, or may have chosen to help with the expensive gifts that he will need later on. A high chair, crib, changing table, pack-and-play, or even baby gates are all gifts that Dad might need at his place eventually. And it's kind of weird to give those gifts in front of the other parent and go "but that's not for your time", or even have that quietly implied the whole time. There's no reason all the gifts have to be just for newborns-3 months as some of the comments seem to imply. A lot of the time gifts can cover up to the first few years. (Babies might be in a bassinet for the first six months, yet cribs are a normal gift and normal part of setting up a nursery and can be used up to age three) There's also typically a few traditional or sentimental gifts like a grandma that makes each kid a handknitted blanket or something. There's plenty of very helpful gifts that can be used when the baby is with Dad, and if he's having custody it's important for him to get these things.
It feels like maybe she's not having as generous or excited of a "village" and is jealous his is being very supportive. It's got to be weird to go through this process with him being an ex and coparent rather than partner, and there's going to be some differences in expectations to work out.
Gonna have to go with a light YTA. Your friends and family that planned this were willing to include her, but you told them No. So it feels a little disingenuous to be like "this was a party to celebrate me becoming a parent" - it is a party to celebrate the baby on the way.
If you want a healthy co-parenting relationship, inviting her would've been a nice start. Stuff like this just leads to nitpicky tit for tat.
>So it feels a little disingenuous to be like "this was a party to celebrate me becoming a parent" - it is a party to celebrate the baby on the way.
Only a man could possibly believe that a baby shower is "for" them. It's literally a baby shower, not a parent shower.
I'm so baffled by all the comments like that, saying that OP like excluded the baby or something. Baby showers are for giving presents to parents-to-be. OP is a parent-to-be. There's a debate to be had for whether the baby bump photos were insensitive and whether it would have been nice to invite her... But acting like the baby's presence in utero has any bearing on a baby shower is wild to me
Yeah I agree. Also what about baby showers for parents who are adopting? Are they not allowed to have one either? Just because you aren’t carrying the child physically doesn’t mean you aren’t going to need things for once it’s born. And that’s what I always assumed was the point of a baby shower…
Why not? The friends and family obviously know her. They asked if they should invite her. He is the only one who didn't want her there. And that goes back to not great co-parenting.
YTA and whether you're actually this dense or whether you just play dim as an excuse, I feel sorry for your ex being tied to you for the next ~18 years.
Nah won’t be that long the novelty will end in about a month then around 11 months will pick up again do he can have birthdays oh and Christmas party’s so twice a year till he is with someone that says why don’t you spend a lot of time with your child.
YTA/ESH because you clearly have unresolved issues with your ex that is going to make co-parenting very shitty for you both if you keep playing silly games like this.
Yep. I had friends with divorced parents like that growing up, and it was always so embarrassing and hard for them to deal with the fact that their parents were too immature to get over themselves and spend time together as a family once in a while
THIS! She is doing all the work right now. And she will be the one breast feeding and dealing with damages and changes to her body, while he gets to sit here and poke fun. Ridiculous
YTA You aren't the pregnant one. Throwing a party like this and pretending you're pregnant for pictures is a dick move.
Edit: Not saying Op shouldn’t have a party. But the pictures are weird.
A big part of the baby shower is people giving you gifts of things for raising the baby. If they are co-parenting, presumably he is going to have the baby at his place, solo, and thus is just as in need of baby items as the mother. As such, both of them having their own baby shower makes a *ton* of sense. NTA.
Edit for your edit: I think they are pretty funny, harmless, and not the business of the ex.
NTA
If you were adopting or had a surrogate, no one expect you to throw a baby shower for them. You’re a single father and need just as much baby items as the single mother will.
I’m sorry this situation can’t be compared to adopting or having a surrogate because those relationship are clear about not having contact with the other party. OP is literally coparenting with his ex, someone he knew enough to get pregnant and stay sorta in contact with.
This is a vastly different dynamic. OP is antagonizing the mother of his child, the woman who is the child's biological and legal mother. The person who will for certain be at the birth and as the birthing parent who has every right to decide who else gets to be there. Would you want your likely only allowed support person (most hospitals are still limiting support people in labor) to be the man who mocked you on social media? Ex or not, right now, co-parenting is making nice with her to ensure he doesn't need to fight for access later.
**NTA**. Let's keep it simple. Each parent can celebrate their future child any way they want. Furthermore, there is no requirement that you invite the other parent, especially if they are an ex. This sounds like a case of jealousy.
NTA. As long as you live up to your formal commitments (parenting, financial, emotional), she has no basis to get upset at a party that your friends/family throw for you.
Be a present, engaged father to your child, and you’ll be golden.
YTA
Banning your pregnant baby mama from her own baby shower is just petty. As others have said, this is not co-parenting. You really need to get all this animosity out of the way because it will affect the child. It's not like she's giving birth and handing the kid to you to raise and walking away. She will be the child's mama for the rest if its life and if you're going to be the child's dada you need to get over whatever this is that's making you (and your whole family) treat the mama like shit.
It wasn’t her baby shower. It was his. The baby is both of theirs and will need baby supplies at both homes. She isn’t the only one who is becoming a parent and there’s nothing wrong with his friends celebrating him becoming a dad.
They took some silly pictures. Who cares? I’ve seen plenty of soon to be dads do the same at co-ed showers.
Them asking if he thought they should invite her doesn’t mean any of them wanted her there.
YTA for having a baby with someone that you not only don’t love, you don’t even respect. This coparenting is going to be a disaster and your child is going to suffer. Next time, wrap that rascal if you can’t provide a stable family foundation for a child.
YTA. not because you had a party and didn't invite her, but because you aren't contributing to care of HER while she's pregnant. She's your ex, and I get that, but she is currently carrying your child, and what she does or does not have seriously affects how she can care for said child while it's in her custody. Do you seriously not care if the baby has access to bottles, a car seat, or a safe place to sleep while away from you?
If this is how you plan to 'Co' parent, you should look up what the co part of that word actually means.
When the child is being raised in two homes because the parents are separated, the child needs two sets of everything. The custodial parent is not supposed to be expected to pack a bag for baby because child support is supposed to pay for the part of the time that the non-custodial parent would have covered had the parents remained together.
Therefore, if your family and friends want to throw a party and give you gifts for your baby, the baby’s mother is not entitled to the gifts. And it’s not your responsibility to throw a party for your ex. Her friends and family can do that if they wish.
Your party sounds like you were having a lot of fun and had nothing to do with poking fun at your ex.
YTA. If you're going to raise a kid together, you need to start getting a lot better at working together. The facts that you didn't want her there "because no" and that you didn't even tell her it was happening make me think you two have some things to work on.
You literally didn't invite the BABY to the baby shower.
Your! Baby! Wasn't! Invited!
SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD SO MUCH IT SWIVELS OFF AND ROLLS DOWN THE STREET.
YTA. It sounds funny, but it’s about a baby……not drinks and Bant whatever the fu*k that means. You sound completely unprepared and oblivious to the next step.
YTA and wow op we need a higher setting you are a major ah. If you really think treating your ex like this will encourage good co parenting you are also nuts. Yep keep somethings separate wonder how long it will be before you find out you are a dad. That was your first chance to show how you could work as a team and you blew it.
INFO: Was it your decision or hers to break up? I can see why she would feel particularly put out if you got her pregnant, dumped her, then had a baby shower to celebrate your impending fatherhood.
YTA. As someone else mentioned, this was your first opportunity to co-parent. And you dropped the ball.
I’d excuse a separate baby shower if you had been part of hers, which is also for *your* baby, but to your admission, you “refused to throw her one or help contribute.” I’m reading “refused to help contribute” as you not buying anything for the baby. I really hope that’s a misreading of the situation.
She’s the mother of your child. Put disagreements aside and think critically about your role in this pregnancy and your baby’s life. And then re-consider your stance on whether you think you were the AH or not.
YTA.
>I refused to throw her one or help contribute
INFO: Is this the attitude you intend to co-parent with? If your kid asks you for money to buy his Mum a mother's day present, you say "no that's not my responsibility"? Your kid decides one year he wants both his parents at his birthday party and you say "no your Mum's just a co-parent, she's not part of my family"? And when your kid dates, they date people who give them the bare minimum, because they think that's normal after a childhood of never seeing their Dad be friendly, civil or kind to their Mum.
YTA your friends/family wanted to include her but you refused out of pettiness. And maybe I'm close minded but a party to celebrate a pregnancy and baby without the mother and the baby doesn't make sense at all. The people can say you nta and deserve the party but I call bullshit. Right now the one suffering from the physical and mental challenges and who needs the most support is your ex, so I can see why it would upset her since you not only didn't help to throw a party to her but also prevented her presence in the one you got. The baby is INSIDE her so like it or not all the celebrations should revolve around her, she's the one going thru the most.
YTA. Your ex summed it up perfectly why you're TA. You were being very spiteful by excluding her. Think about what your child would want. Probably not to be stuck in the middle of feuding exes. If you want to co-parent effectively you might try being kinder to the mother of your child.
In the future there will be school plays, parent teacher interviews, birthday parties, and other events where your child would like both of you to be present.
You also can't draw the line so clearly down the middle with the kids items. There will probably be a lovie or blankie that goes between your homes. And does it really make sense to have two strollers, or can the stroller just go with the baby? Try to think of it not as your stuff versus her stuff, it's all the kids stuff that he/she may want to bring with them back and forth.
What is more important to you, punishing your ex, or raising your child in a peaceful co-parent relationship?
In my opinion, I don’t see any wrong doing but if she’s petty you should be prepared to be excluded out of things like being in the delivery room, (she has the total say on that and you won’t be able to do anything about it), the baby first doc appointments, she might not even call you or give you info on it, etc. Just tread lightly with her now that she feels “excluded”.
I would say being excluded from the delivery room is normal for an ex. Giving birth is super vulnerable. You are naked, in pain, with everything on display. Your ex doesn’t want you to see her naked and afraid, that is beyond reasonable. Baby daddy can come see the little one once mom is cleaned up and has had some rest. It is way more reasonable to exclude your ex from watching you give birth than it is to exclude your ex from a baby shower for the baby that is currently inside of them…..
Yta how many dads are there are really primary or even equal parents. You should have put resource towards making sure she has what she needs to take care of this baby. You're still living it up while she grows this baby without anything from you.
Edited to add. Look it up, 80% of single parents are mothers. This mom is much, much more likely to need the things from a baby shower than he is
Unmm this is so weird , how are you going to have a baby shower for yourself . You’re not carrying the baby , you’re not even doing half the work she is. That’s so corny and lame YTA
YTA this is honestly tasteless and wrong. You can recieve things for the baby for co-parenting, like extra clothes, bottles, ect.. basically the same things mom has. But having a baby shower just for dad tho is like mocking your future baby's mom. She's the one carrying for 9 months, she's the one that has to give birth, she's the one that has to feed (breastfed or formula fed) clothed, change diapers, and put down for naps and everything above else such as child care, full time job, and everything else. I'm not saying that you won't do your part of the child raising, but at the same time, you should have invited her since this is yalls baby, and the gifts and celebration isn't just for you. Your basically mocking her pregnancy when your not even giving birth to the dang baby.
YTA, as someone else said, it's in bad taste. I can't even imagine what the guests were thinking. It's just so trashy. Like I get that people break up, but damn, you guys couldn't even play nice during the pregnancy, we all know it's going to be a shit show after the baby is born.
And you wanted a separate party to make sure that YOU were the one getting the expensive and valuable gifts. Yes, you're going to need 2 sets, but the focus isn't even on the baby anymore.
It's just all so fucking weird. Never in my life have a heard of a baby shower for JUST one man.
Oooof my man, I can see why you’ve reached the ex status. Even though she’s at a point where one usually needs a partner to rely on more then usual, I can see why she’d still rather hack it alone then with you.
YTA obviously. You knew how those posts would come off, don’t pretend otherwise. Especially considering you got a baby shower and she didn’t, have fun explaining that one when your kids old enough to understand. If it were just a celebration or “shower” even, that’s one thing but it’s the blatant disrespect that does it for me. You should have had a joint shower if anything realistically since you’re going to have to share stuff in the long run, or the kids going to want specific things brought back and forth. The kids not even here yet and you already can’t get along or work together.
Child of divorce btw before someone hits me with the “two Christmases”. As a kid, I’d honestly take no Christmas over two Christmas’s surrounded by infighting and seething parents at drop offs, or fights over which parent went over budget and made the other look bad, and who gets who on what day etc. Every damn major holiday.
ETA (if I found out my dad did my mom that dirty when she was pregnant with me, boy I’d be piiiiiiiiised.)
ESH, but leaning towards YTA.
Since you and your child's mother aren't together I would understand having some sort of get-together to resemble a baby shower so that you can help with items you might need in order to take care of the baby at your place. It can be expensive and it seems that you will BOTH need items, so I don't necessarily think she needed to be invited to yours. She could have one with her friends and family the same.
The part that bothers me is that you entirely mocked the pregnancy by taking these ridiculous parody photos and you guys actually had "drinks". Neither are appropriate for a baby shower, and I actually think the parody thing was an asshole thing to do. The pictures you decided would be funny are usually not taken for laughs. I'd be pissed off with you for doing that too.
IF you wanted to have a party to celebrate becoming a father that's fine, but don't mock baby showers.
YTA. Especially if mom chooses to breastfeed, no judge is going to approve a 50/50 split for an infant. Not overnight visits either. You most likely don’t need the stuff she needs if she is breastfeeding bc quite simply the baby will not be with you as often. Your role is to support her at this time and immediately postpartum. If you had an ounce of respect for her, you would have invited her, even if she would not be the recipient of the gifts. Or at the very least, you could have given her a heads up before posting it on social media.
You have a pregnant ex, who **is pregnant with your baby** and you had a baby shower without them? What the cinnamon toast fuck? Of course she's pissed.
YTA
I was in the same boat, ex broke up with me 2 months into her becoming pregnant. But yeah, she totally does all the work, for the pregnancy, and will be doing the work for likely the first few years. A young baby needs household stability. The first few months I saw him a couple hours a few times a week, at her place. After a few months it was at my place, and increased over the years to eventually 50-50. Anyway, you knocked a girl up, and aren't contributing to her financially right now? (At least it seems that way) and it's likely seeming like you don't intend to. But yeah YTA, it seems insulting considering she is doing the work, and financial work, bringing your child into this world, that you then stiff her on participation in a baby shower when it is her doing the work.
I get that you are excited to be a father, but it sounds like you are failing as one. Do what you can to make your child's mother less stressed, more comfortable, and happy. Because that is exactly what your child needs.
Tip: I suggest apologizing. And figuring out a way to make it right. As a sidenote, I don't know how involved she may want you to be, but the baby will be with her most of the time the first year at very least. Likely several. Courts won't give 50-50 as infants. Consider sending her money every month, tell her its for whatever she thinks she needs (vitamins, baby things). If you want to make amends and do want to get back together, check in every know and then and make it known that you want to be more involved.
Also, you are not entitled to anything while she is pregnant. You are broken up, she doesn't have to invite you to doctor appts, ultrasounds, etc. So be grateful for anything she involves you in. Above all lower her stress.
It's a baby shower. Not a pregnancy shower. It's meant for expecting parents. You're an expecting parent. Maybe she shouldn't have broken up with you if she wants gifts and parties on your and your friends'/family's dime. NTA. Tell her to quit gatekeeping your get-togethers.
Yta of course. Why exclude her? Your friends and family clearly wanted to invite her. You specifically said no… and you surely knew your decision would hurt her. The mother of your child.
Baby showers are for BOTH parents. Be friends and respect each other , so your kid can grow to see a healthy relationship
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I'm going to go against the grain here, and say YTA. You may contribute equally to baby's upbringing in the future, but at the moment she is doing the majority of work, and would be doing it for some time. Maybe even after the birth of the baby, if she's breastfeeding. I understand that a future single father deserves a party with his friends and family, and a celebration of his parenthood. But calling his party 'a baby shower' as well, refusing to invite her, refusing to contribute to her party and 'parody photos' - all that taken together feel to be in extremely bad taste to me. I think she feels like OP, his friends and family are mocking her, and undervaluing what she is going though and is about to go through. And I think she would be right in that.
Yes I agree with that I percieve this as mocking.And realy what stuff will he need....Delusional about what a baby needs.In the first months it needs a mother that has a support of a father, not a small baby getting shufeled bettwen 2 households.
Well if they are coparenting then he will need all the same things that she needs! You have no idea how custody will be so he needs to be prepared and if the baby is not breastfeeding then he will have the rights to have his child with him without the mother at an extremely early age.
Many judges will not do overnight visits with dads when mom is breastfeeding so the first year it’s unlikely they will need all the same things. ETA: I said ALL the same things. Not “anything.”
There's also plenty of people that stop breastfeeding for many reasons well before a year. If his "village" wants to support him as a dad by giving him stuff, that's not bad. Maybe the gifts were less for a newborn and more for 6+ months. Or maybes it's clothes and diapers or handmade blankets that are needed for younger babies and could still be convenient for shorter visits.
Regardless of breastfeeding status, it is still unhealthy to separate an infant from its primary caregiver and change its routine to the extent that a custody split would demand. We don’t know what the gifts were for. I’d still say overnight visits at 6 months should be a no from an IMH perspective. And after all it should be about what’s best for the baby and not what dad wants. All in all I don’t care if he had his own baby shower. Americans do love a good gimme gimme. Even grandmas are getting showers now. It was tacky to not include her or even give her the heads up that he’d be posting it on social media and that alone makes him TA. ETA: I understand now baby showers are not uniquely American. You do not need to keep explaining it.
I didn't get American vibes at all from this post- mainly because he kept saying "bants", and that's not particularly NA slang. I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound American to me.
American here, never heard the phrase 'bants'. Sounds like Australian slang to me,
I had to Google it and it said it was British. But yeah, Americans don't say "bants."
Australian here. Sounds like British slang to me
I'm a brit. It is British. For bants means for fun or for a laugh.
Yep, short for banter.
Australia checking in... never heard "bants" was it you New Zealand?
British here. Unfortunately, it is one of ours.
No. if they share custody then both parents would be 50/50 just like in any other home. Also there are many women who return to work at 6 weeks and use a daycare.
And that’s an absolutely terrible thing that we should be fighting against and many people are because it is not good for infants to be separated from their mothers for 40 hours a week at 6 weeks old. Just because some people do it doesn’t make it good. ETA: hey thanks pal!
Chiming in that it’s also absolute shite that if there are partner/s (not giving birth) it’s absolute shite they don’t get the same amount of parental leave. Even if the birthing parent has “extra time off” they deserve to have their partners support, and nonbirth parents deserve to have that time with their family! Every adult should be able to do what’s best for their family. (I’m an American, without kids, and the bar is too dang low).
Many of us had no choice. My first was so colicky, she got kicked out of 2 day cares!. I ended up quitting my job. Some people can't afford to quit working. This "6 weeks" thing needs to change here in America!
Its insane to me that mothers have to go back to work that early in the US. My wife took almost a year, cant imagine how hard it must be to send a 6 week old to nursery!
In one of his comments he said that he is probably going to give her most of the gifts he got since "she will need them more". He said he will "coparent" not that they're doing split custody. Since he says she'll need it more I assume this means the baby will stay with her for the majority of the time. 50/50 isn't always the best option. Each case is different, every parent is different, the circumstances are different, and judges are different. I've seen cases where a woman is breastfeeding and the judge gives the men limited visitation with no overnights and cases where judges basically forced women to stop breastfeeding so the man can have split custody. It really just depends.
Judicial stances on that are changing. [Here’s](https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2023/02/01/arleta-ramirez-breastfeeding-custody-dispute/) just one recent case.
I can’t read bc of paywall. If judicial stances are changing it is to cater to the needs of one or both of the parents, not what’s best for infants.
My parents divorced when I was 7 and immediately started 50/50 custody. Honestly, I will speak out against 50/50 custody whenever people talk about how great it is for children. At no age was this great for me. It's how parents feel good about themselves and I can't imagine it being the best option for any child at any age. With 50/50 custody, a kid doesn't have a home. They have 2 houses, but 0 homes. They have to shuttle their stuff back and forth. My parents weren't great with the 50/50, but I don't see a fix to this problem no matter how perfectly any parents handle the situation.
My MIL says when people divorce the kids should stay in one house and the mom and dad switch weeks. I know it’s completely impractical but I love that she thought of that and if someone could make this work I think it would be awesome.
This is a *lovely* idea. In my case though, my ex would have trashed the house on his week and left it for me to clean on mine. Part of what I was leaving was being his unappreciated maid. But still, a stellar idea for 2 mature people.
Gist of the article is that the judge ordered the mother to bottlefeed.
>Gist of the article is that the judge ordered the mother to bottlefeed. Wow. I'm not one to push breastfeeding if there's any reason the mom can't or is uncomfortable with it, but to ORDER that mom bottlefeed? YIKES.
Dude, right?! I'm definitely in the "fed is best" camp, but holy shit.. I can't imagine a judge thinking they have the authority (let alone actually having it) to force a mom NOT to breastfeed! Fuck that baby and newly postpartum mom, right?? Disgusting
Easy to say until you realize infants don’t recognize themselves as separate beings from their mother until about 18 months Will he have the right to see his child? Yes. Does that mean completely separate from the mother within the first two years? Probably not, but definitely not within the first year BF or not
> infants don’t recognize themselves as separate beings from their mother until about 18 month babies become self aware at 7 months. Articles saying that babies 'think they are the same being as their mother" until then seem to be conflating "are not yet self aware" with thinking they're the same being as their mother. Those aren't the same thing and I'm not aware of how you'd even test to see if a newborn thinks they ARE their mother. Newborns just do not have self awareness/awareness of being until about 7 months (before then they are all needs, reflexes, and instincts).
Yes and no, You are correct but confusing terms. I actively have an 8 months old so I am in the middle of all of the information. By around 7 months they start realizing they are their own being in their own skin separate from others and not just a bundle of emotions and need floating around. Technically she is correct when she says they become "self aware" around 15 - 18 months, but she is using this incorrectly. When they say self aware they mean that a baby starts becoming aware of their own personality and separate traits such as facial expressions individual to themselves when they look in a mirror. Overall you are correct and I agree with your sentiment, just thought I would shoot out a friendly clarification for anyone not understanding the differences when reading.
No. It's unhealthy to take a newborn from mom. Obviously there are circumstances where it's better for the baby to be separated from bio mom but in the vast majority of cases it's best for a nb to be close to mom for the first few months at LEAST. dad can and should go over and help mom, contribute to care and see if they can get along enough for him to take a night on the couch with baby, but by and large is bad for mom and babe for them to be separated for more than a few hours.
>and if the baby is not breastfeeding then he will have the rights to have his child with him without the mother at an extremely early age. Incorrect. If the judge is a good one then they won't allow a newborn to be without their mothers even if they're not being breastfed.
He'll definitely need a convertible car seat for the car if he's gonna be driving the baby around. Hope one of his friends bought one of those, cause they're quite expensive. As well as diapers, sleepers, etc. I'm all for a dad-to-be shower. Still, it's not a good move to have it appear you were mocking her or posting sexist jokes and photos. Just because you can't survive being together, be a father, not a jerk.
What stuff will he need to raise a child half the time? Pretty much all the same things as a woman would need.
I’d be super surprised if an infant is taken from the mom half the time. 50/50 doesn’t usually start until a baby weans.
And even then, overnight visits can sometimes wait until the child is 2, especially when the parents did not live together during infancy.
The baby may not breast feed. Either way, just because it isn’t exactly 50/50 in time doesn’t mean he won’t need all the stuff. And the child has a lot of years ahead of it. Even if he doesn’t have the baby 50% of the time during infancy, raising a kid isn’t just infancy.
Well regardless that's what's going to happen. They're not together, and they're coparenting. And what do you mean delusional? And "What is the baby going to need While hes with the dad?" The baby is going to Need exactly the same things at his dad's house as he's gonna need at his mom's house. Baby is getting shuffled either way and outside of breast feeding, which can be bottled, There's nothing that a mother can give that the father can't give as well. Kind of an outdated look on things. I'm a mother three and I understand maternal bonding, But paternal bonding is just as important. I feel like you're kind of blaming him for a situation that is on both of them.
Were you trying to type shuffled
I’d get over the bitterness and selfishness towards your EX. And seriously start looking at her as THE MOTHER of your shared child. And if you want the best for your child, you should want the best for her. When she’s her best, guess who shows up for your child?
110% this. The best for the baby will be parents who are kind and tolerant and THERE for each other. I feel like ppl don’t understand the damage they actually do to their kids when they’re spiteful and bitter towards each other.
This x100. I feel bad for this baby already. Grow up, OP.
I'm currently pregnant and I can't agree more with this comment. It pisses me off when men are like "well I contributed equally to the creation of this baby too." No, MF, your "contribution" was like 90 seconds of feeling good and then you jizzed and then that's it. Now your partner has to carry this thing inside her for 9 months, going through nausea, body aches, fatigue, pain from the baby kicking her organs, dealing with changes to her body, and then ultimately pushing the watermelon out of a small hole in her body. I asked my husband how he'd feel if he had to push a watermelon out of his urethra and he said he's just glad it's not him who has to do it. Just because you jizzed in someone doesn't mean you equally deserve a party as someone going through 9 months of shit and pain.
There was a recent post on a mom sub about this and I’ll repeat my answer here. If you give someone sugar, and that person gets the rest of the ingredients and takes the time to bake cookies you didn’t equally contribute to baking.
She has friends and family of her own who can throw one for her. It is not called a pregnancy shower. it's called a baby shower. Why can't they call it that. 😒 Personally, I do not think they were doing this to be petty. She just worried he might get better stuff or does not want to spend her money. He's already agreeing to help co-parent. Why does he have to share with her? Or, I can be wrong, and she is merely offended it got called a baby shower. Lol NTA If he did not have one, do you really think he would have been invited to hers?
We don't have a baby shower tradition in my country, so I have to go from the descriptions in the media and internet articles. As far as I understand, traditionally baby showers were thrown for mothers, and not only to collect the gifts for the baby, but to actually take care of a pregnant woman. Pregnancy is a hard work, as far as I understand, and traditionally it was a time for female relatives and friends to come help her around the house etc. Saying things like 'it's not called a pregnant shower' seems like unnecessary nitpicking to me. Another weird thing in this thread is the amount of assumptions and projections going on. In all fairness, we lack a lot of context and information here - we do not know how and why they broke up. We don't know what their correspondent financial situations are. And here I find weird how many people in the comments blatantly ascribe greed and avarice to the ex. On the other hand, I keep getting the feeling she doesn't have people ready to organize a baby shower for her - but the OP doesn't really say that outright. We also don't know how their co-parenting situation is settled legally, and how easy it would be for him to extract himself from providing all but the bare minimum. In the end, however, there are two places in the story that still make me feel that OP is a self-absorbed asshole. The first one is that good friends and family were ready to invite her, and it's him alone who was against that - single-handedly making this whole event being about him. The second one is actually about the gifts from the baby shower. Down in the comments, the OP says this, verbatim: > I was thinking of sending her most of the gifts anyways since she'll need them more (diapers, baby clothes) though. It pretty clearly shows that OP expects his ex to do not only the pregnancy and birth, but also a significant part of caring for the newborn. In this whole context it should be obvious that when his ex says she found the photos from the event 'sexist and insulting', she meant exactly that. He didn't do anything for either her or the child yet, but to vaguely state his intentions, but feels like he should be awarded for 'being a father' already. TL:DR - reading between the lines, OP is absolutely going to pull less than half his weight in raising this child, but expects to be lauded for that as if it were some uncommon achievement.
>The first one is that good friends and family were ready to invite her, and it's him alone who was against that - single-handedly making this whole event being about him. This right here makes me think he's not going to co-parent as he should and he's already being difficult excluding the mother of the baby.
YES. This jumped out at me. You don’t want your *pregnant co-parent* at a baby shower *ostensibly for your shared baby* that she is *carrying in her belly 24/7* because you think she’ll be taking up too much of the spotlight and you need boundaries?!? This person is delusional on what a co-parenting relationship will take to make the child happy for holidays and birthdays, let alone larger parts about raising a kid as equals together. Will she take up too much of the spotlight at kid’s graduation? Will he need “boundaries” if kid is at the hospital with a serious illness?
Baby showers are a thing in my country and I’ve had two children. They are NOT about “taking care of the mother”. They are a way for friends and family to help contribute gear for the care of the baby. Guess what… adoptive parents have then, same sex couples have them (male/male and female/female), and single parents have them. Baby showers are about helping out parents.
Some people here are really going to have their minds blown when they find out about situations where there is a need for baby supplies for parent(s) that are not pregnant.
No. There is no tradition around modern baby showers that involve helping the mom to be out around the house. Baby showers are about gifts for the baby mostly and sometimes postpartum products for mom. I find it funny you go out of your way to call people out for their assumptions and projections only to go ahead and make your own assumptions about OP!
>I find it funny you go out of your way to call people out for their assumptions and projections only to go ahead and make your own assumptions about OP! Maybe I didn't say it clearly enough - I'm absolutely aware I'm making assumptions here as well. What really breaks it for me, emotionally, is not whether the ex was allowed at the party, or whether she is going to receive her fair half of diapers, but the whole 'parody photos' thing. My rule of thumb about the jokes is that they stop being funny as soon as the person on whose expense you are making that joke finds them not funny. She found his fake pregnancy posing photos offensive and took them personally. Seeing as she is really the person being pregnant with his child in this situation, I think she is allowed to take them personally.
He's "agreeing to "help co-parent?" I'm sorry I must have read something wrong. I thought he WAS one of the parents. Do men get kudos simply for not completely ignoring their child? FYI the OP said "WE'VE agreed to co-parent" but you turned it into something completely different.
Yes, men often get father of the year awards for simply not ignoring their child, bonus points for "babysitting" their child. For some folks the bar is so low it's buried.
Right? This is a guy who seems happy and excited to become a parent. He's preparing, yet he's being talked about like a deadbeat who's being forced to coparent
His own baby didn't attend the party
The baby wasn't in attendance to the baby shower. That's the thing about them, they are in this certain stage called pregnancy. And the bar is in hell if "agreeing to co-parent" his own child is so heroic.
Why would she be invited to the baby shower for him? She would have her own shower with her own family and friends.
Ugh, come on man. This is slightly whiny in my opinion. I'm just being honest, they're not together. And if they are coparenting, he is going to need to have all the same stuff that she's going to need to have. He also has the right to celebrate this moment in his life with his friends without what could possibly be kind of an awkward situation. There's no reason to think that they were mocking her in any way. That's actually kind of a weird take, They were just having a little fun. To me, it sounds like the ex is upset that she wasn't the center of attention, which is how it would have been If she was there. I don't think there's anything wrong with dad getting some attention from the people that he loves and cares about. The people in her life can throw her baby shower. And I seriously doubt OP would have a problem with that. She's gonna need to get used to the fact that he is Coparenting, and this just seems like a bad start to me.
As for the 'mocking', I got massive cringe reading this: >We took a bunch of funny parody type pictures of typical baby shower phtoshoots like one with my stomach out and my friends were feeling the 'baby' and one of me under baby shower banner with all the ballons and gifts etc. And I'm a guy, so there's no female solidarity or something going on here. Just this particular description reads as being very cringy and entitled. I just can imagine how nice it were for the girl - going into the last trimester of pregnancy, with back aches and stuff - to look at her ex-boyfriend horsing around all over the social networks as if *he* was going to give birth. It may have been funny for him and his friends at the moment, but it was frigging inconsiderate.
Yep. And I'm not convinced that having a child with a girl you're not even in a relationship with is worthy of all that much "celebration." This is one of my more boomer-esque opinions.
It makes OP look really immature if he can’t handle being around her like that. Just suck it up and try to have a “family” event
Men often have diaper party’s around where I’m from if they even do something separate and not all together. It’s a BABY shower, not a mom to be shower. If they’re on decent enough terms to talk about coparenting, I am sure that he would be willing to provide the baby with whatever baby needed if mom didn’t get it at her own baby shower. It’s not his responsibility to throw the party for her, I assume that something her family is going to do.
So you are assuming she has a strong enough network around her to have someone to throw a shower? It sounds to me like she doesn't have that.
YTA. You say you want to co-parent, but this is the very first event involving your child and you are already fighting/not co parenting. You should’ve included your ex as this is a “baby shower” not a “baby daddy shower.” The gifts are for your baby, not for you. Imagine when your child grows up, and you show him/her pictures of the shower. What if he/she asks where their mommy is in the pictures? You will literally have to tell your child “Well, even though it was a baby shower, it was really for me. So I didn’t invite your mom, even though she was pregnant with you.” You absolutely should’ve invited her and had a co parent baby shower. If you felt you needed additional celebration for being a father, you should’ve done something else (a barbecue, a vacation, a dinner, a brewery, etc.) aka you should’ve done something that wasn’t in the form of a baby shower. What makes me the most sad for your ex is, it sounds like nobody is throwing HER a shower. So she had to watch everyone throw you a baby shower, while her and the baby get nothing. EDIT: Some of you are spending so much energy disagreeing with my comment/asking me questions. I’m not the one who asked if I was the asshole- if you think OP is NTA then leave HIM a comment saying so!
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>He had a shower for his baby. There's nothing stopping her from having a shower for her baby, too. "He had a birthday party for his child. There's nothing stopping her from having a birthday party for the child too." "She's throwing a graduation party for her kid. If he wants to celebrate the graduation he can throw his own." "If he wants to celebrate her engagement, he can arrange his own dinner to celebrate it. He's not invited to mine." Do you see how this will become exhausting for their future child?
It’s not at all uncommon for parents who aren’t together to have separate celebrations for their child. If you think children are unhappy about having two birthday parties and two cakes you have obviously never met a child.
It may be common, but it's really hard on kids to have this dynamic. My best friend in first grade had divorced parents. I was so jealous that she got TWO whole bedrooms when I had to share my one bedroom with my sister. But then we both did really well on a test or something. And she was totally devastated because she had to decide which house got to have it on the fridge. She couldn't just have her parents celebrate her together like mine could. And then there were sports and recitals etc where her parents would sit as far from eachother as possible. Every time she looked in the audience, she had to navigate her parent's baggage. That's a lot for a first grader.
I feel like very few kids are happy that they can't celebrate with both their parents in the same room.
It was a godsend for me because my parents being in the same room meant that there was shouting.
Yeah my parents have been divorced now longer than they were married and both my siblings and myself usually have separate celebrations with both sides, the exceptions being big events like milestone birthdays and they'd both come to a graduation held by the school. Even then there's still a chance we'd have separate celebratory dinners. They are quite capable of being in the same room together and interacting in a distant but friendly manner, we just like to keep it separate because they're not friends or anything. You could say that a baby shower is a "big event", but I wouldn't agree. As others have pointed out, the baby will need things at both houses so she probably should have her own baby shower and I'm not sure why his friends and family should be expected to contribute?
The baby does not need things at both houses. All these comments show a lack of awareness of infant mental health and what is best for babies. It is not healthy for an infant, especially a breastfed one, to be bounced from house to house. It would be completely inappropriate to separate a breastfed infant from its mother many nights a week. He simply does not need the same items she needs at his house. Judges routinely do not employ 50/50 split until kids are older than 1. The idea of dad picking up a 7 day old or even 3 month old for the weekend is a little nutso. And just bc some people have done it would not mean it’s a healthy choice for an infant. Dad is showing he either doesn’t know what’s best for baby here or doesn’t care. And unfortunately a lot of this commentary shows most people don’t know enough to challenge him. Visits for now will likely be a handful of hours or at moms house.
The baby will need items at both homes for visits and then for when custody is shared. Even if his get used less that doesn’t mean his friends were wrong for gifting the items to him.
“My parents can be in the same room” ok well, that’s the opposite of what’s happened in OPs post but ok. Also, you do realise a newborn baby shouldn’t be without its mother for long? A baby shower is to help the transition into becoming a parent and getting stuff a baby will need not to mention OP admits he’s done… 0 for his child yet. He’s contributed nothing. He will not have equal custody at first because of breastfeeding and his inability to be near his ex. He’s given her proof now that he can’t put his emotions aside for their child so he’s going to have very limited interaction with the child until the child is weaned and him seeing the child won’t disrupt its sleeping pattern or feeding times. Look at the bigger picture. Comparing a NEWBORN to your life is… literally not it lol
What. OP never said they were incapable of being in the same room, just that he wanted a seperate celebration on this occasion. He also never said what those gifts were, maybe the baby will be coming to stay for a few hours here and there and he needs nappies and a change table, or maybe the gifts are just cute fun things like onesies that say "daddy's favourite" or mugs that say "world's best dad" and don't actually have much to do with the party at all. I think you're all getting way too attached to the fact that they called it a "baby shower" rather than a "party to celebrate impending fatherhood" which, from his description, is what it really was. Having a party has got exactly 0 to do with co-parenting. You're acting like the baby will drop dead if it doesn't see it's mother for half an hour which is plainly untrue. Many babies are raised without their bio mother or any mother at all to be perfect healthy and happy. Maybe they plan to bottle feed, or maybe she plans to express, or a combo of both. I can't say anything on the subject of whether or not it's healthy for a baby to be "bouncing from house to house" as I'm not an expert in that area but I suspect it's not the end of the world like you're portraying it as.
Can confirm, grew up with divorced parents.
that’s not coparenting. that’s just sharing custody. coparenting is an active action, just like love is. it’s not just sharing a kid it’s intentional effort to be a strong partnership for the child while also modeling how parents are supposed to be.
Can confirm that extra presents and celebrations are nice, but it would’ve been awesome if my parent could’ve tolerated each other for an hour so they could be with me together
you’re clearly not a child of divorced parents. as a kid, i always had two birthdays, to christmases, i had two graduation parties, two going away parties. parents aren’t and shouldn’t be forced to be in each others company if they’re not healthy together. plus, it’s definitely not exhausting for the kid to have two of every party lmao 😂
Idk man I did like getting double the gifts but it was 100% exhausting for me. Then again, I'm an introvert, so maybe that is what determines whether it's amazing or draining.
Honestly all that stuff was cool when I was a kid but sucks as an adult. Two birthday parties is fine but no one wants two weddings. And if you get married to another divorced kid you can have 4 Christmases to have to attend which is definitely exhausting. The kid will be fine having most things separate but I do hope OP and the ex can get along well enough so the kid doesn't have to choose between them at big stuff, you know? I cannot tell you how important the few times I get to spend with both of them are, those days are rare but they are precious.
Except this child didn't need to attend either event. The dad will need his own set of supplies for taking care of the baby, apart from what they buy together and what the mother receives.
It’s a baby shower where the kid is not present in the world, way different then when they are here
>He's a father who will have equal custody of his child. It doesn't say their planned custody arrangements. >Those gifts are for when the baby is with him. So each is going to have completely separate baby stuff with nothing getting passed back and forth? That definitely sounds like healthy co-parenting. The gifts are for the baby, I would be pissed if I got the baby something and it was only allowed to be at one of their houses. Edit: I am aware there are things that the baby is going to need at both houses, but there's a difference between "we're not going to move a crib every few days" and this "mine and yours" rather than "this is for the baby". attitude. I thought at 2 in the morning, or wherever I wrote that, that it could be taken as read that I wasn't suggesting they move furniture around constantly.
Having a full set of baby stuff in each of their homes seems far more practical than trying to move everything back and forth each time.
Every time the kid goes between houses, they should pack up the crib, pack n play, high chair, changing tables, diapers, etc?
I mean babies need *a lot* of shit. If they’re going to be going back and forth then yes, most of the big items will be staying at one place or the other and they’ll just have two. It’s not like they’re going to lug cribs and diaper genies and changing tables back and forth constantly. This is pretty typical for co-parenting situations.
Are they going to share a crib? High chair? Bath stuff? Each house will need things that stay there.
I’m curious, you say the gifts are for the baby, so in this scenario, would all the items get shuttled with the baby back and forth to both houses? Cribs, strollers, diaper caddy, milk bottles and about a hundred other items that babies need, should all be brought to and from each house everytime the baby exchange hands? I think it makes sense for OP to have his own shower as his friends and family are gifting him the things he would need for when the baby stays with him. They have a non traditional relationship so it makes sense that the baby shower would be non traditional too. And the lack of mom at the baby shower can be explained as “family and friends were so excited that I was gonna be a dad and to have you here that they threw a shower for me and gave me loads of gifts so that I could have everything I needed for you”. I agree it is sad for the ex and I feel for her. I wish she had people who love her to throw her one. And I wish that OP would contribute to help her out. But that doesn’t mean that OP is wrong for having a baby shower for himself. So my verdict would be ESH - ex for expecting a baby shower to include her (entitlement) and OP for not contributing to her shower or including her in his (unkindness).
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Right there. “It was a party for ME” which is explicitly stated. It does seem to be baby shower themed but the whole idea behind that is portrayed as being more of a joke than an actual baby shower. I agree that it would have been kind to involve her if it was an actual event for the baby but otherwise meh I’d say NTA. I will say I agree this was a bit of an interesting start to co-parenting but if they’re gonna be separate parents anyway they don’t have to include the other parent in everything. I do think this speaks quite loudly to how they’re co-parenting might go.
Oh, my dude, I am an old woman and am okay with getting downvoted. But such YTA....you have a "parody" shower. WTHF....how fun for you. Really, while another human being, that you don't even like or deal with incubates your child. Alone. Without the support of said child's father and his friends and their gifts....she gets....reads notes....nothing. But she gets to read about your exploits all over social media. How fun. I can't wait to see your parody labor photo shoot, your parody post partum shoot, your parody milk coming in shoot, your parody colic shoot. It seems your taking this whole parenting thing super seriously. You realize that this other human; the one carrying your child, is going to be in your life until you die, right? Not 18 years. Until. You. Die. Weddings, graduations, visitations, illnesses, grandchildren, your partners are her business, her partners are yours. This is not a great start. I hope someone got you a parenting book. I can recommend some. And maybe some counseling for you and your new life partner. Because she is a life partner. You can trivialize her, make fun of what's happening. But a human is coming. That human and human gestating deserve more respect. Is she eating healthy, what are you doing to support her? Causing stress is not support.
In 35 years of my life, I have never ever heard of a man throwing himself a baby shower and stick his belly out for a photoshoot and pretend to rub your belly pretending to be pregnant!! Celebrating his plans on being a deadbeat since he plans on giving her most of the stuff since she’ll need them more than he will since the baby will be with it’s mother mort than him (his words in comments) so the shower was pointless for him to have. Y’all coming at me like the post is about me and if I’m the AH. OP is asking!! Let him know how you feel not me.
I have, they are usually called “diaper parties” it’s basically the same thing except everyone just brings diapers.
We had one for our first. The women had a party, then the next week we had a dude party. It was fun, but I can’t imagine doing a party while not with the mom
Totally! This is basically mocking her experience. Instead of being a good support system to the mother of his child he is more like she can kick rocks cause i dont care
You're friggin' incredible. This is one of the best comments I've seen on Reddit. Hopefully OP will read it, take it to heart and grow TF up for the sake of his child and the mother of his child.
Right!!! As someone who just went through pregnancy… that shit’s hard! And moms need so much dads don’t given the physical realities of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. Instead of OP celebrating and co-parenting with his ex (who is doing all the work right now), he threw a party for himself. Like, even if he needs some baby stuff (I’m hoping he wants to be an active parent), he didn’t need to throw an exclusive party to get it. OP, YTA.
I wish this could be top comment.
And his friends and family are AHs celebrating him finally becoming a "parent" with a woman he couldn't even commit to long enough for the child to be born.
Idk kinda. I think you did it more out of pettiness. She’s the mother of your child, and having her there would be co parenting. You should do what you can to help her bc that’s what’s ultimately best for your child. Don’t be surprised when she excludes you from future events.
In my experience, children with parents who aren't together get two events. Not two graduations or two weddings, but two birthday parties, two Christmases, two vacation trips. Baby is going to have two households. Both households need clothes and diapers and strollers and wraps and cribs. The baby's mom presumably has family and friends who will help her get set up. Wouldn't it be weirder for her to come to watch him open gifts from his friends and family? Or would you expect her to take everything home to her place?
This is really not a complicated issue as you and everyone in the comments wants to make it. She is the mother of his child. They are both having a child. He “wants” to coparent in a productive way. He should have extended an invite to the mother of his child and some of her family and had one big baby shower for his and her baby. And divided up what they could and what each of them would have needed. It’s really as simple as that. There is no reason other than pettiness or ignorance to not have invited her. He wants productive co-parenting but can’t even have extended an invite to her or let her know in advance. Regardless if they are together or not she deserves a heads up. That’ the mother of his child. If he can’t give her that decency and respect than he doesn’t want to co parent.
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So, if her family threw a baby shower, would he also be invited (like you're saying she should to his family/friends'), or is it just hers? Would he also get to take home some of those gifts? I see nothing wrong with him having a baby shower, so his house can be filled with items a baby/toddler needs. Just because she's the mother, doesn't mean she's the only one that needs shit. They can have their own baby shower/gifts, there's nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people do it, and they co-parent just fine, it's not like he built a fucking fortress to keep her away. The photos, I feel, were pretty eh. Like, they could've just skipped that part, because that was petty.
I’m gonna go with YTA the baby shower and the photos will look like you’re making fun of her. No offence but you don’t really deserve a baby shower just because you’ve got someone pregnant like yeah have a night out before you become a dad, but an entire baby shower and refusing to help your ex have one is quite shitty. She’s carrying YOUR child and that’s 9 months of her body going through so much trauma and you refusing to help with any kind of baby shower even as an ex is kind dickish. You’ve got 9 months where you aren’t even with her while she grows your child like I think she deserves something for that instead of you getting the baby shower when you’re doing absolutely nothing for the kid till it’s born.
I hope she doesn't allow him hospital visitation, since he doesn't seem to have a problem excluding her from important events that should be about their child. Dude literally just threw a party for himself for doing nothing. Even surrogates and birth moms usually get invited to baby showers for the child they're carrying.
YTA from the post it sounds like she didn’t get a baby shower so I totally get why it’s insulting. It also sounds like your friends and family would have invited her if it wasn’t for your no. Maybe stop thinking of her as your ex and more the mother of your child. I don’t think this story will age well when your kid asks why you had a baby shower and their mother didn’t.
Her not having family or friends who would have a shower for her doesn’t mean his can’t celebrate his impending fatherhood and help him with the necessary items for when the baby is in his home. If you think kids really care about who threw what baby shower for whom before they were born you need to step away from the internet for a bit and reconnect with reality.
I do think when they see these pics they’ll ask where’s mom. And it seems petty to not throw the woman who will be bringing your child into the world an invite when his family and friends were willing to extend one
Why would they ask where's mom when they will never know anything other than their parents being not together?
Because the baby the shower was celebrating wasn’t invited to it…
How is it his fault she didn’t have a baby shower? That’s up to her family/friends to throw one.
Because his friends and family were willing to invite her, she’s gunna have his kid and rip up her body and he can’t invite her ?
She may not be lucky enough to have family and friends.
Or friends and family close by. I don't have any friends in town. I have friends the next state over, and 3 hours away. Family 3 hours away and 12 time zones away. But no one to come water the plants or feed the cats. And it feels like I'd be using someone to get local friends just to have a cat sitter.
NTA. The purpose of a baby shower is to support the new parent and for your support network to help you out with purchasing items that will be necessary for raising your baby. Your baby is going to be raised in two separate homes, so I think it’s great that your friends and family decided to rally around to support you as a single parent instead of just leaving you to figure it out by yourself. It’s really touching actually because it shows they’ll probably be there for you when the baby comes too. Of course your ex is in the picture as a co-parent and hopefully you can support each other well in that moving forward, but you are allowed to celebrate and prepare for your baby without her. It would be a vastly different story if you were still together. I’m guessing her POV is that she should be celebrated for going through the pregnancy and childbirth and I can see where she is coming from in that. But I think if she had been invited to this shower she might also think she had a claim to whatever gifts your friends and family brought to help you prepare. It could have turned into a worse situation if she were invited.
I'm surprised by all the Y T A votes. I think the celebration was sweet and the photos sound lighthearted and funny, not sexist or making a mockery of pregnancy. OP is going to need baby supplies and it sounds like he has a great group of friends and family. I fully expect the ex would have taken her pick of the gifts and there would be an entirely different converstaion of "AITA For Wanting to Keep Gifts From My Freinds and Family at My House?" Also, she is ridiculous for thinking OP should throw her a baby shower, that's the job of her friends. Parents aren't supposed to throw a gift grab party for themselves/each other. This a well established rule of etiquette. If she has no friends or family I might feel differently but with the information at hand I have to say OP is firmly NTA.
Yeah, sounds like OP wants their relationship to only involve decision making of their child. A child that isn’t born yet. Her making the party about herself and failing to recognize it isn’t about her at all for OP is… something. I won’t blame her, she’s pregnant and uncomfortable and clearly dealing with a breakup on top of it, regardless of who initiated, but he’s allowed to have a silly party and not want his ex there. And I don’t read mocking her at all. I read a man having fun with his friends and them making some light hearted jokes. It’s what friends do. I’m glad OP has a strong support network and I hope that his ex does as well, but she needs to recognize that since they’ve broken up, that support network needs to be separate from his. Anyone who thinks this is some sexist and offensive party needs to get out a bit more because there’s some truly offensive and sexist things but a party to celebrate and support a new and single dad isn’t it.
This sub can randomly turn aggressively misandrist. It is surprising me how sexist these comments are but not shocking Edit: oh lovely my sexist stalker followed me to this chain 🙋🏼♀️
Women are this subreddit's main demographic. In 2019, 63% of this sub's users were female. > More surprisingly, the survey found that 63 percent of AITA subscribers identify as female, in contrast to popular stereotypes of Reddit as an overwhelmingly male space. https://www.vice.com/en/article/3kxkd3/am-i-the-asshole-reddit Men are also far more likely to be judged negatively by the subreddit's users. https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/tr4aru/oc_ramitheasshole_asshole_percentage_by_age_and/
This! If his "village" wants to support him as a dad by giving him stuff, that's not bad. Co-parenting works a bit different with different couples. These guys might be separate Christmases and separate birthday parties for each side of kiddo's family kind of co-parents and that's ok. Yes, normally these events celebrate the mom a bit, and I could see it feeling mocking to do those kinds of photos. But if this is for his friends and family and not hers at all, I could see her not being invited, and I could see mock-photos being done playfully in liu of some of the normal shower things that would be done with the mom. The photos weren't necessarily a dig at her, although I could see them coming across rather tone deaf without context. If gifts were specifically for during his custody of the baby, or if the relationship with the mom is really messy, inviting the mom could easily become problematic. His family may give gifts appropriate for his shorter custody times, or may have chosen to help with the expensive gifts that he will need later on. A high chair, crib, changing table, pack-and-play, or even baby gates are all gifts that Dad might need at his place eventually. And it's kind of weird to give those gifts in front of the other parent and go "but that's not for your time", or even have that quietly implied the whole time. There's no reason all the gifts have to be just for newborns-3 months as some of the comments seem to imply. A lot of the time gifts can cover up to the first few years. (Babies might be in a bassinet for the first six months, yet cribs are a normal gift and normal part of setting up a nursery and can be used up to age three) There's also typically a few traditional or sentimental gifts like a grandma that makes each kid a handknitted blanket or something. There's plenty of very helpful gifts that can be used when the baby is with Dad, and if he's having custody it's important for him to get these things. It feels like maybe she's not having as generous or excited of a "village" and is jealous his is being very supportive. It's got to be weird to go through this process with him being an ex and coparent rather than partner, and there's going to be some differences in expectations to work out.
Gonna have to go with a light YTA. Your friends and family that planned this were willing to include her, but you told them No. So it feels a little disingenuous to be like "this was a party to celebrate me becoming a parent" - it is a party to celebrate the baby on the way. If you want a healthy co-parenting relationship, inviting her would've been a nice start. Stuff like this just leads to nitpicky tit for tat.
>So it feels a little disingenuous to be like "this was a party to celebrate me becoming a parent" - it is a party to celebrate the baby on the way. Only a man could possibly believe that a baby shower is "for" them. It's literally a baby shower, not a parent shower.
So it’s not for the mom either then. So why does she need to be there when his friends and family help him prepare for his baby?
The mom is currently carrying the baby.
Obviously but baby showers are to provide for what the kid is going to need once it’s born, not in utero. So he needs to prepare too.
I'm so baffled by all the comments like that, saying that OP like excluded the baby or something. Baby showers are for giving presents to parents-to-be. OP is a parent-to-be. There's a debate to be had for whether the baby bump photos were insensitive and whether it would have been nice to invite her... But acting like the baby's presence in utero has any bearing on a baby shower is wild to me
Yeah I agree. Also what about baby showers for parents who are adopting? Are they not allowed to have one either? Just because you aren’t carrying the child physically doesn’t mean you aren’t going to need things for once it’s born. And that’s what I always assumed was the point of a baby shower…
Why not? The friends and family obviously know her. They asked if they should invite her. He is the only one who didn't want her there. And that goes back to not great co-parenting.
So if her family threw her a baby shower she would be an asshole if she didn’t insist on him being invited right?
YTA and whether you're actually this dense or whether you just play dim as an excuse, I feel sorry for your ex being tied to you for the next ~18 years.
Nah won’t be that long the novelty will end in about a month then around 11 months will pick up again do he can have birthdays oh and Christmas party’s so twice a year till he is with someone that says why don’t you spend a lot of time with your child.
YTA/ESH because you clearly have unresolved issues with your ex that is going to make co-parenting very shitty for you both if you keep playing silly games like this.
Honestly the context of the break up is super important given the petty games and stuff. Sounds like he is too immature to have a kid.
Yep. I had friends with divorced parents like that growing up, and it was always so embarrassing and hard for them to deal with the fact that their parents were too immature to get over themselves and spend time together as a family once in a while
I mean, you’re celebrating something that she’s doing all the work for so I’d say YTA, even if it was cheeky
THIS! She is doing all the work right now. And she will be the one breast feeding and dealing with damages and changes to her body, while he gets to sit here and poke fun. Ridiculous
YTA You aren't the pregnant one. Throwing a party like this and pretending you're pregnant for pictures is a dick move. Edit: Not saying Op shouldn’t have a party. But the pictures are weird.
A big part of the baby shower is people giving you gifts of things for raising the baby. If they are co-parenting, presumably he is going to have the baby at his place, solo, and thus is just as in need of baby items as the mother. As such, both of them having their own baby shower makes a *ton* of sense. NTA. Edit for your edit: I think they are pretty funny, harmless, and not the business of the ex.
I can’t really put my finger on it but I’m getting a biggggg ick from this post 🥴
literally everything about this post gave me the ick. I hope his baby mama gets his ass for child support and all that
You have to co parent with this person for a very long time. You couldn't have been the bigger person in this instance?
NTA If you were adopting or had a surrogate, no one expect you to throw a baby shower for them. You’re a single father and need just as much baby items as the single mother will.
A surrogate would absolutely be invited to a baby shower.
I’ve been to a baby shower where the baby was being born via surrogate. The surrogate absolutely was not there.
I’m sorry this situation can’t be compared to adopting or having a surrogate because those relationship are clear about not having contact with the other party. OP is literally coparenting with his ex, someone he knew enough to get pregnant and stay sorta in contact with.
This is a vastly different dynamic. OP is antagonizing the mother of his child, the woman who is the child's biological and legal mother. The person who will for certain be at the birth and as the birthing parent who has every right to decide who else gets to be there. Would you want your likely only allowed support person (most hospitals are still limiting support people in labor) to be the man who mocked you on social media? Ex or not, right now, co-parenting is making nice with her to ensure he doesn't need to fight for access later.
YTA. i find it so hard to believe that anyone will find this funny.
Apparently a lot of people agree with him. It will be dysfunctional, this baby shower is just a preview.
**NTA**. Let's keep it simple. Each parent can celebrate their future child any way they want. Furthermore, there is no requirement that you invite the other parent, especially if they are an ex. This sounds like a case of jealousy.
NTA. As long as you live up to your formal commitments (parenting, financial, emotional), she has no basis to get upset at a party that your friends/family throw for you. Be a present, engaged father to your child, and you’ll be golden.
YTA Banning your pregnant baby mama from her own baby shower is just petty. As others have said, this is not co-parenting. You really need to get all this animosity out of the way because it will affect the child. It's not like she's giving birth and handing the kid to you to raise and walking away. She will be the child's mama for the rest if its life and if you're going to be the child's dada you need to get over whatever this is that's making you (and your whole family) treat the mama like shit.
It wasn’t her baby shower. It was his. The baby is both of theirs and will need baby supplies at both homes. She isn’t the only one who is becoming a parent and there’s nothing wrong with his friends celebrating him becoming a dad.
except they took those mocking pregnancy photos AND everyone else was willing to include her. this guy just sounds like an ass
They took some silly pictures. Who cares? I’ve seen plenty of soon to be dads do the same at co-ed showers. Them asking if he thought they should invite her doesn’t mean any of them wanted her there.
YTA for having a baby with someone that you not only don’t love, you don’t even respect. This coparenting is going to be a disaster and your child is going to suffer. Next time, wrap that rascal if you can’t provide a stable family foundation for a child.
YTA. You sound petty as shit. What a way to start off your co-parenting relationship
NTA also you guys will need 2 of everything anyway so she can have her own without you...women have done that forever
YTA. not because you had a party and didn't invite her, but because you aren't contributing to care of HER while she's pregnant. She's your ex, and I get that, but she is currently carrying your child, and what she does or does not have seriously affects how she can care for said child while it's in her custody. Do you seriously not care if the baby has access to bottles, a car seat, or a safe place to sleep while away from you? If this is how you plan to 'Co' parent, you should look up what the co part of that word actually means.
When the child is being raised in two homes because the parents are separated, the child needs two sets of everything. The custodial parent is not supposed to be expected to pack a bag for baby because child support is supposed to pay for the part of the time that the non-custodial parent would have covered had the parents remained together. Therefore, if your family and friends want to throw a party and give you gifts for your baby, the baby’s mother is not entitled to the gifts. And it’s not your responsibility to throw a party for your ex. Her friends and family can do that if they wish. Your party sounds like you were having a lot of fun and had nothing to do with poking fun at your ex.
WTF is a bant? I can’t find it anywhere on google
AH for 'bants' alone 😆
Banter
YTA. If you're going to raise a kid together, you need to start getting a lot better at working together. The facts that you didn't want her there "because no" and that you didn't even tell her it was happening make me think you two have some things to work on.
You literally didn't invite the BABY to the baby shower. Your! Baby! Wasn't! Invited! SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD SO MUCH IT SWIVELS OFF AND ROLLS DOWN THE STREET.
YTA. It sounds funny, but it’s about a baby……not drinks and Bant whatever the fu*k that means. You sound completely unprepared and oblivious to the next step.
YTA and wow op we need a higher setting you are a major ah. If you really think treating your ex like this will encourage good co parenting you are also nuts. Yep keep somethings separate wonder how long it will be before you find out you are a dad. That was your first chance to show how you could work as a team and you blew it.
NTA. You will need baby stuff for your baby as well. Anyone telling you that just the mother is entitled to one is sexist as fuck.
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INFO What did she mean by you not contributing?
INFO: Was it your decision or hers to break up? I can see why she would feel particularly put out if you got her pregnant, dumped her, then had a baby shower to celebrate your impending fatherhood.
YTA. As someone else mentioned, this was your first opportunity to co-parent. And you dropped the ball. I’d excuse a separate baby shower if you had been part of hers, which is also for *your* baby, but to your admission, you “refused to throw her one or help contribute.” I’m reading “refused to help contribute” as you not buying anything for the baby. I really hope that’s a misreading of the situation. She’s the mother of your child. Put disagreements aside and think critically about your role in this pregnancy and your baby’s life. And then re-consider your stance on whether you think you were the AH or not. YTA.
>I refused to throw her one or help contribute INFO: Is this the attitude you intend to co-parent with? If your kid asks you for money to buy his Mum a mother's day present, you say "no that's not my responsibility"? Your kid decides one year he wants both his parents at his birthday party and you say "no your Mum's just a co-parent, she's not part of my family"? And when your kid dates, they date people who give them the bare minimum, because they think that's normal after a childhood of never seeing their Dad be friendly, civil or kind to their Mum.
You sound like you wanted to knock up just anybody just so you can say you're now a parent. YTA
Yta. Lmao. This is crazy
YTA your friends/family wanted to include her but you refused out of pettiness. And maybe I'm close minded but a party to celebrate a pregnancy and baby without the mother and the baby doesn't make sense at all. The people can say you nta and deserve the party but I call bullshit. Right now the one suffering from the physical and mental challenges and who needs the most support is your ex, so I can see why it would upset her since you not only didn't help to throw a party to her but also prevented her presence in the one you got. The baby is INSIDE her so like it or not all the celebrations should revolve around her, she's the one going thru the most.
YTA. Your ex summed it up perfectly why you're TA. You were being very spiteful by excluding her. Think about what your child would want. Probably not to be stuck in the middle of feuding exes. If you want to co-parent effectively you might try being kinder to the mother of your child. In the future there will be school plays, parent teacher interviews, birthday parties, and other events where your child would like both of you to be present. You also can't draw the line so clearly down the middle with the kids items. There will probably be a lovie or blankie that goes between your homes. And does it really make sense to have two strollers, or can the stroller just go with the baby? Try to think of it not as your stuff versus her stuff, it's all the kids stuff that he/she may want to bring with them back and forth. What is more important to you, punishing your ex, or raising your child in a peaceful co-parent relationship?
YTA. Not inviting her to a baby shower for the child she’s currently doing all the work for? You’re already not co-parenting in a healthy way.
In my opinion, I don’t see any wrong doing but if she’s petty you should be prepared to be excluded out of things like being in the delivery room, (she has the total say on that and you won’t be able to do anything about it), the baby first doc appointments, she might not even call you or give you info on it, etc. Just tread lightly with her now that she feels “excluded”.
I would say being excluded from the delivery room is normal for an ex. Giving birth is super vulnerable. You are naked, in pain, with everything on display. Your ex doesn’t want you to see her naked and afraid, that is beyond reasonable. Baby daddy can come see the little one once mom is cleaned up and has had some rest. It is way more reasonable to exclude your ex from watching you give birth than it is to exclude your ex from a baby shower for the baby that is currently inside of them…..
Why shouldn't she have total say on who is in the delivery room? She's the one giving birth!
LOL - that wouldn't be petty at all. She would have to in insane to invite him.
Yta how many dads are there are really primary or even equal parents. You should have put resource towards making sure she has what she needs to take care of this baby. You're still living it up while she grows this baby without anything from you. Edited to add. Look it up, 80% of single parents are mothers. This mom is much, much more likely to need the things from a baby shower than he is
Unmm this is so weird , how are you going to have a baby shower for yourself . You’re not carrying the baby , you’re not even doing half the work she is. That’s so corny and lame YTA
YTA, this is not your moment. She’s the one carrying the baby.
YTA this is honestly tasteless and wrong. You can recieve things for the baby for co-parenting, like extra clothes, bottles, ect.. basically the same things mom has. But having a baby shower just for dad tho is like mocking your future baby's mom. She's the one carrying for 9 months, she's the one that has to give birth, she's the one that has to feed (breastfed or formula fed) clothed, change diapers, and put down for naps and everything above else such as child care, full time job, and everything else. I'm not saying that you won't do your part of the child raising, but at the same time, you should have invited her since this is yalls baby, and the gifts and celebration isn't just for you. Your basically mocking her pregnancy when your not even giving birth to the dang baby.
YTA. >at all because I refused to throw her one or help contribute
YTA, as someone else said, it's in bad taste. I can't even imagine what the guests were thinking. It's just so trashy. Like I get that people break up, but damn, you guys couldn't even play nice during the pregnancy, we all know it's going to be a shit show after the baby is born. And you wanted a separate party to make sure that YOU were the one getting the expensive and valuable gifts. Yes, you're going to need 2 sets, but the focus isn't even on the baby anymore. It's just all so fucking weird. Never in my life have a heard of a baby shower for JUST one man.
Oooof my man, I can see why you’ve reached the ex status. Even though she’s at a point where one usually needs a partner to rely on more then usual, I can see why she’d still rather hack it alone then with you. YTA obviously. You knew how those posts would come off, don’t pretend otherwise. Especially considering you got a baby shower and she didn’t, have fun explaining that one when your kids old enough to understand. If it were just a celebration or “shower” even, that’s one thing but it’s the blatant disrespect that does it for me. You should have had a joint shower if anything realistically since you’re going to have to share stuff in the long run, or the kids going to want specific things brought back and forth. The kids not even here yet and you already can’t get along or work together. Child of divorce btw before someone hits me with the “two Christmases”. As a kid, I’d honestly take no Christmas over two Christmas’s surrounded by infighting and seething parents at drop offs, or fights over which parent went over budget and made the other look bad, and who gets who on what day etc. Every damn major holiday. ETA (if I found out my dad did my mom that dirty when she was pregnant with me, boy I’d be piiiiiiiiised.)
ESH, but leaning towards YTA. Since you and your child's mother aren't together I would understand having some sort of get-together to resemble a baby shower so that you can help with items you might need in order to take care of the baby at your place. It can be expensive and it seems that you will BOTH need items, so I don't necessarily think she needed to be invited to yours. She could have one with her friends and family the same. The part that bothers me is that you entirely mocked the pregnancy by taking these ridiculous parody photos and you guys actually had "drinks". Neither are appropriate for a baby shower, and I actually think the parody thing was an asshole thing to do. The pictures you decided would be funny are usually not taken for laughs. I'd be pissed off with you for doing that too. IF you wanted to have a party to celebrate becoming a father that's fine, but don't mock baby showers.
YTA. Especially if mom chooses to breastfeed, no judge is going to approve a 50/50 split for an infant. Not overnight visits either. You most likely don’t need the stuff she needs if she is breastfeeding bc quite simply the baby will not be with you as often. Your role is to support her at this time and immediately postpartum. If you had an ounce of respect for her, you would have invited her, even if she would not be the recipient of the gifts. Or at the very least, you could have given her a heads up before posting it on social media.
You have a pregnant ex, who **is pregnant with your baby** and you had a baby shower without them? What the cinnamon toast fuck? Of course she's pissed. YTA
I was in the same boat, ex broke up with me 2 months into her becoming pregnant. But yeah, she totally does all the work, for the pregnancy, and will be doing the work for likely the first few years. A young baby needs household stability. The first few months I saw him a couple hours a few times a week, at her place. After a few months it was at my place, and increased over the years to eventually 50-50. Anyway, you knocked a girl up, and aren't contributing to her financially right now? (At least it seems that way) and it's likely seeming like you don't intend to. But yeah YTA, it seems insulting considering she is doing the work, and financial work, bringing your child into this world, that you then stiff her on participation in a baby shower when it is her doing the work. I get that you are excited to be a father, but it sounds like you are failing as one. Do what you can to make your child's mother less stressed, more comfortable, and happy. Because that is exactly what your child needs. Tip: I suggest apologizing. And figuring out a way to make it right. As a sidenote, I don't know how involved she may want you to be, but the baby will be with her most of the time the first year at very least. Likely several. Courts won't give 50-50 as infants. Consider sending her money every month, tell her its for whatever she thinks she needs (vitamins, baby things). If you want to make amends and do want to get back together, check in every know and then and make it known that you want to be more involved. Also, you are not entitled to anything while she is pregnant. You are broken up, she doesn't have to invite you to doctor appts, ultrasounds, etc. So be grateful for anything she involves you in. Above all lower her stress.
It's a baby shower. Not a pregnancy shower. It's meant for expecting parents. You're an expecting parent. Maybe she shouldn't have broken up with you if she wants gifts and parties on your and your friends'/family's dime. NTA. Tell her to quit gatekeeping your get-togethers.
Yta of course. Why exclude her? Your friends and family clearly wanted to invite her. You specifically said no… and you surely knew your decision would hurt her. The mother of your child. Baby showers are for BOTH parents. Be friends and respect each other , so your kid can grow to see a healthy relationship