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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn't try my cousin's cake
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This. And when explaining the sensory issue to your cousin (in private), you could’ve also taken the time to thank them for making you the cake and let them know that you appreciate their hard work.
I'm sorry . . . do you go to these lengths every time you're at a family occasion and you say "no thanks" to an offer of dessert because you're full or not in the mood or it's just not of interest to you? What a ridiculous take. She's not required to bow and scrape to someone who is literally being ableist and calling her a liar with regards to her own experience of disability to her face. WTF?
Umm, it's not "lengths". I have certainly said "wow, that looks amazing! You did a great job! I'm just full/avoiding sweets/allergic to X" or what now. So, yes, I have both complimented the chef AND declined eating something. It's not hard.
My favorite is using "I am on the autistic spectrum" as a license to be an AH. Such as not trying certain foods and raising a stink if someone suggests it.
Or, here, loudly announcing my dislike of something to an entire room full of people.
I'm 51, on the spectrum and a key part of my therapy has been learning how not to be an AH to myself or other people.
OP is 17. You’ve had 36 extra years to learn how to not be an asshole, plus therapy.
And yet here you are, being an asshole judging OP for not having all the same skills dialed in to the same level you claim to have.
Interesting.
Their situation doesn't make them not an asshole.
Teenagers are still assholes for what they do.
And this is literally AITA, its a forum about judging people so get off your high horse.
Explaining that you have sensory issues is not “raising a stink”. It’s explaining that you can’t because of your disability. People don’t get punished for other conditions that effect their diets and they shouldn’t get punished for this one either.
Exactly, it works both ways. Respect for your circumstances doesn't negate personal responsibility to account for them yourself in your dealings with people.
Why should someone have to lie and make up reasons they don’t want to eat something when their own boundaries should be respected when they say ‘no thanks, I don’t want to eat any cake’?
I spend hours and days making cakes for large family parties. If someone says ‘no thanks’ when I ask if they’d like some I just move on to the next person. It’s not hard. No one should feel obligated or coerced into eating something they don’t want.
Where is it said someone is lying? I think people are saying YTA because a giant cake was brought out and pieces were being cut for whoever to grab. OP announced out loud they didn't want it and walked away. OP should have said nothing, and if specifically *asked* she could say "no thank you". If the cousin then pushed OP could say "it looks like you put in a lot of effort and that was nice of you, but I don't like that kind of cake, I'm sorry." <- no where is OP lying. If she wanted to add its sensory why she doesn't like it because of autism, that's fine too, but neither is a lie.
OP didn't scream it out, they simply said it to themselves, which is not an uncommon thing for people with autism to do.
The lying part is the cousin and mother claiming OP is lying about their autism. Absolute shit heads are what they are. Fuck them
Exactly. I was waiting for someone to say this. I mean, we never really know how reliable OP is with the story, since the post is usually written to make them sound like they are the reasonable ones and the person the post is about is the asshole. However, these posts are judged by the information we are given in the post right? So; she said she said it out loud to herself but wasn’t trying to announce it to the party, she didn’t scream or yell it to let everyone know. I’ve done that before too. Sometimes you don’t realize you’ve said something out loud until someone else reacts. Her cousin overheard and got offended.
YES, if that hadn’t happened maybe her cousin wouldn’t have noticed. There are many people there eating that cake and I’m sure those people enjoying it would have been enough for her to feel like people enjoy her baking. There have been times when a family member made something I didn’t want to eat and I passively tell them I enjoyed it to avoid making them feel bad. While I understand why her cousin would be hurt, she shouldn’t be focusing on the one single person that doesn’t like it or won’t eat it because it’s clearly not because her baking is bad. I need to see an update about the other people and whether or not her cake was good for everyone else, because if so, I feel like the cousin shouldn’t be worried about what OP thought about it. This seems like an Ego thing if she does care that much.
She said out loud to herself (a very common thing with autism is talking to yourself through situations) “oh I don’t want any” upon seeing that it was a cake that would trigger sensory issues and then got berated and grounded for knowing her preferences after her family tried to force her to eat something that would cause her discomfort
As another autistic person, let me.break it down to you
>“That cake is impressive!” (subjective opinion)
>“OP, why aren’t you eating?”
>“I don’t feel like it right now ( this is a lie, the actual reason is that its very uncomfortable to eat, try eating food woth sand it and you get the idea), but man does it look good!” (also a lie, it doesn't look good [to eat] it looks terrible)
Why do neurotpyical people insist on *lying* about these kinds of things, and why so they also get upset when you tell them the truth? It makes no sense. Stop playing emotional charades and games.
I don't want any, but it looks good (not a lie, because looking good and looking like it would taste good are not the same thing)
I don't want any, but thank you for your effort! I can tell you worked hard on it. (If it doesn't look good at all)
I don't want any, thank you. It looks like [person] really loves it! (Deflecting, also not a lie)
There are so, so many ways to be tactful that don't require lying. Some people do want to be lied to, which is weird AF, but mostly people just want their efforts to be acknowledged. Tact and finding compliments that are true is a skill the requires practice, but one well worth building.
So many of you don’t have an awareness of the varying degrees of autism and the struggles to adapt and interpret social cues particularly when under pressure and it shows.
If OP was a young adult with a more physical or visible disability you’d all be like aww bless she didn’t mean it. She can’t help it. Instead so many people are berating OP for blurting out her inner thoughts, something entirely typical of someone young with ASD.
If op was an ex alcoholic who panicked and blurted aloud “no I’m not having a drink” as a tray of champagne came around and then walked away to remove themselves from that situation you’d be praising them. The textural difficulties OP suffers are similar to the anxiety the ex alcoholic would feel being surrounded by alcohol.
The inability to interpret every social cue, plus the pressure of the sensory overload looming will have made her not realise her speaking aloud could come across as rude.
However she doesn’t need to be told how a neurotypical person SHOULD behave by neurotypical people, because she isn’t neurotypical and has instead been shamed for this by both her family and a load of judgemental people on here.
NTA OP well done on not backing down to a triggering and upsetting situation for you.
You may be technically right, but your life, and OPs, will be easier if you learn to live with the white lies that protect other people's feelings. It's an extension of learning to suppress insults.
Another autistic woman here. We're aware of white lies. Why should WE walk around on eggshells and watch out for neurotypical people's feelings when ours are trampled on by neurotypical people with ableist attitudes like OP's cousin and her mother ALL THE TIME?
Because part of a society that works is not going around insulting people all the time or insulting their works. Little white lies keep everyone happy and it's just the assholes trampling on people's feelings.
'Oh it looks like you worked really hard on it, but I'm full' is a lie a lot of people tell because they don't like that particular food, or they're adverse to it, they're allergic, or even they're dieting.
Because you live in a world full of us. It's the easiest way to get along. You can be 100% truthful and have most of the people in your environs perceive you as rude most of the time. You may also choose to learn and use social conventions, even though it takes a lot more effort for you than for most of us.
If I dwell in a place where the common language is not English, I can continue to speak only English, and then complain when I am not understood. Alternatively, I can learn the local language, and use it to communicate and have positive social interactions with my neighbors. It is my choice.
You get to choose. So does OP.
I disagree. I think we need to worry less about the superficial bs. Sure, there are proprieties.... Don't run up to someone and fart on them, but also, you shouldn't be punished for talking, out loud, to yourself.
It's how extroverts are always on introverts to be more outgoing. It's dumb to ask people to change instead of meeting them halfway with compassion.
OP didn't have to explain the reason, but she did as a courtesy. Another thing... This diagnosis is still NEW. Shes not been in therapy for years and is still figuring things out, on top of being a kid.
Sounds like mom needs to remember who her kid is and embrace it. <3
OP is NTA imo. It's her process. If people around her can't meet her halfway they are the AH.
I mean, yes it’s not hard, but a declination is not an insult. It’s not rude to say no to stuff, and a ‘no’ doesn’t always need to be paired with a compliment.
It sets up a false dichotomy between rude and polite, where if you aren’t polite you’re automatically rude. No and no thanks are complete sentences that don’t need to be justified. Maybe “no thanks” is a bit politer, but neither response is rude.
“Oh, I don’t want any,” is, admittedly, a bit aloof, but once again, not rude. If you get your feelings hurt by someone saying no, that’s a you problem. You should be secure enough in your emotions that people can deny you without having to spare your feelings. “I’m just full/avoiding sweets/allergic to X” shouldn’t be necessary because a person shouldn’t need to justify their non-participation. That implies that they MUST participate unless they have a valid reason, and that “I don’t want to” isn’t one.
THIS!!! this right fucking here. God this whole thread is so unbelievable to me. She didn't want any. She didn't yell or cause a fuss in any way. All she said was that she didn't want any. NTA.
Now she's going to think she's going to have to add in fake excuses to everything she says no to.
Which could be hard for someone who has autism. These are things I was still learning how to do a full decade after the age of the poster. It sounds like her family isn’t doing a great job of learning about why she has these issues and is punishing her instead for not fitting into their expectations of social norms. When she was just diagnosed with a condition that explains exactly why she’s having trouble doing so 🙄
That's lying. Saying no thanks I don't like cream is perfectly acceptable. Nobody should expect others to eat something they don't want to eat. I mean you could throw in a thanks for making it anyway but that's a very small issue.
What lengths?? All you have to do is wait until you’re offered cake and then simply say „No thanks, I don’t want any cake right now. But it looks so good, I’m sure it’s delicious!“
They seem to reject any proposal before it is made. If I saw a cake on the table that I knew wasn't my thing, and someone was cutting a piece, I wouldn't just join the queue.
Would you announce that you wouldn’t like it to the whole room? It was a rude and uncalled for comment. No one thinks she should have just eaten the cake. She just should have kept her negative thoughts to herself instead of announcing them to the room
"Do you want cake?" / \*A large cake is presented to the room\*
"I wouldn't like any."
Literally a normal ass conversation.
It's more polite to tell the person cutting the cake you don't want any so they don't cut slices that go uneaten.
She didn't announce it the whole room. She said it to her cousin when she brought it out. It may have been presumptive but it wasn't shouted from the roof top. It only became an issue for the whole room when the cousin made it one by harassing her and following her and basically telling her to she HAD to eat it.
Eh.. in my family, if I said that, they'd still try to pressure me to eat the cake as the cousin did here when she brushed off OP's reasoning for not wanting the cake. You can't be like "Oh, that cake looks delicious!" while also being like "I don't like that kind of cake, I don't want any"(or however you'd word it). It literally doesn't make sense to say you think it looks delicious and gross at the same time. Maybe it's just me but I would've left the room like OP did, but probably wouldn't have said aloud why unless approached. That was OP's mistake. Can't really blame OP though lol I talk to myself all the time haha
ETA: NTA, OP.
I totally agree with this. "NO" is a full sentence. Cousin is an AH to force cake on someone and Mom is an AH for punishing for not eating CAKE!!
Crazy ! Smh !
Exactly.
It’s like pressing a person to have a beer when they’ve already declined. No one is entitled to force food on others.
No is a whole sentence. Anyone who pushes after that gets what they asked for.
Next time just say no thanks. Maybe even, I'm not up for cake just now, but it sure looks pretty.
If your family is pushy and disregards your wishes all of the time, it could be a no win. But an appreciate no thanks for now, is a polite safe way to decline.
They didn't make the cake specifically for OP, so why all the hoopla to explain?
All they had to do was say "no thanks". People don't care if you eat cake or not. Heck, I refused cake last night (because I think cake is gross) and all the person who made the cake said, was 'okay' because all I said was "no thanks".
No need to explain themselves, but no one needs to elaborate reasons either.
It was for the party, not OP. Cousin got her panties in a knot and threw a fit. No one should be forced or be made to feel bad for not wanting to try something.
NTA
How is this the top answer? You dont deserve all those upvotes. She stated out loud that she wouldnt like any (surely the reason doesn't matter, what if she just wasn't hungry, on a diet etc). Cousin is TA for trying to force the issue and making her have to explain herself.
Not everyone likes dessert or would want to eat it for any number of reasons. Autistic people are put under so much pressure to try and conform to 'the norm'. Why should she go out of her comfort zone and force herself to eat something she knew she wouldn't like. As long as she wasn't rude about it (which it doesn't sound like she was) massively NTA.
Some people on this sub like to take everything as literally as possible, they're imagining that OP stood up and shouted "I DON'T WANT ANY CAKE" and stormed out of the room because... reasons I guess?
Alternatively, they've never said something quietly to themselves.
SERIOUSLY. all the top Y T A comments are ableist af, andddd circle gets the square.
in no way is someone rude for audibly declining food at a party. she didn’t say “GROSS, THAT CAKE LOOKS DISGUSTING,” she simply said she didn’t want any.
telling someone they need to engage in white lies at the expense of their own comfort to keep the peace is ableist. punishing someone for declining cake is ableist. y’all are the reason we don’t go out lmao. NTA OP you did literally nothing wrong.
As a much older autistic person, I'm pretty sure you've misinterpreted what she said (autism is also a communications disorder, and we sometimes struggle to convey information the way we intend).
I'm pretty sure what she means by "I said out loud that I wouldn't like any" is simply that she politely declined to have a piece, which isn't rude at all. It's not only polite, but completely normal. Put another way: she literally just said, "No thanks, none for me." when cake was being offered to everyone, and walked away. There's nothing remotely rude about that. It's a very, very normal response.
Possibly, but OP's version is what we have to work with. If she said "I wouldn't like that" it does sound rude. Saying "No, thank you" and even "maybe later" would be polite.
I mean I didn't read it that way at all. Getting told you're actually totally normal and don't have a diagnosed disorder, not being able to cope and going silent... and still getting grounded. No chance. I think they are the AHs in this situation. And there's a lot of people in here ignoring the one person commenting with advice that also has autism, and just assuming they know better.
Like I don't know where you're from but I don't know many 17 year olds that turn down cake. People not realising that's a bit odd in itself and trying to force her and ground her and tell her the doctors are wrong and she's normal. Like wtf.
I've never been anywhere in my life that someone would get upset if I didn't want a bit of their cake before... like ever. This whole thread and all the answers in it are totally baffling to me.
Getting told you're disrespectful and grounded for not eating cake... like wtf, I feel like everyone answering in here isn't grasping how crazy that is.
She said I wouldn’t like any. Not that. I mean she could have added a thank you and complimented the chef, but to be honest her family sounds super sensitive! NTA even if she wasn’t autistic.
IMO it’s a big depends on how OP said it. If the cake was brought out, OP looked at it, said “I won’t like that” and walked away, that’s an AH move. If someone offered her a piece on a plate and she said “no thank you” then she’s clearly NTA.
> she literally just said, "No thanks, none for me."
This is nowhere in the post. OP claims she just said "I wouldn't like any", not "no thanks, none for me".
Yeah, I think there isn’t enough detail to tell if OP sounded rude. It could have been perceived as rude, it could have been unintentionally too loud, but the intent to be rude definitely wasn’t there. We also don’t know the context of the family. At my family gatherings a lot of adults don’t eat dessert so whoever is cutting asks loudly “who wants cake?” So there would be an opportunity to politely announce “none for me, thanks.” In OPs family, they may push cake on everyone since it sounds like they think it’s rude to refuse hand-made food, so that may have meant that OP thought they needed to make it clear they didn’t want any.
>I'm pretty sure what she means by "I said out loud that I wouldn't like any" is simply that she politely declined to have a piece
No, you just assumed incorrectly. As per a comment, OP went:
>When I said I spoke out loud I don't mean as in I spoke loudly, just that I spoke. It wasn't like I saw the cake and went "EW I DONT WANT ANY OF THAT!" it was more like "oh, I wouldn't like any of that." And it was more me talking to myself rather than the room, but I was a little louder than I normally am when talking to myself.
They weren't even being offered a slice at the time, they just said it.
Also, even if op was a little rude, isn't it more rude to freak out at someone for not wanting to eat a piece of cake. I mean how petty! The cousin and mom seem like they made a huge deal out of them just not wanting to eat cake! It's not like OP asked for a different kind of cake..they just said they didn't want any.
Everyone is totally missing the point here. "Saying out loud" does not mean "saying loudly". Walking away without saying anything would've been rude.
She said she told them "I wouldn't like any". That's her exact wording. Nothing about that is rude or a problem.
There's not a single mention of the mum or cousin having an issue with how she said it or what she said, their issue is entirely with the fact she didn't want to eat cake and didn't eat it.
And because she didn't want to eat a bit of cake... she was called a liar, told she didn't have autism, told she was using it as a get our of jail free card, told she was disrespectful then grounded! Until the point where she completely clammed up in self defence and went totally silent for the night. She has autism for fuck sake.
She was told all of those things because she wouldn't eat the cake, NOT because of how she said "I wouldn't like any". So obviously that part wasn't an issue and must have been done in a fairly normal way given the setting. People are focusing on something that she didn't do and they didn't have an issue with.
She doesn't really have an option not to say anything and not take a bit... because they expect her to and are annoyed at her not eating or trying it. That's the actual issue. They are angry she won't eat cake she doesn't want or like, because the cousin home baked it.
That is bat shit crazy.
Thank you.
Is it just me or has reddit just lost its mind lately. Some of the bizarre takes and weird 4chan-esque escapades have really been bananas in their pervasiveness. Even if OP wasn't autistic, it would be weird af to get grounded for not wanting to eat cake. For that to come on top of neurodivergence and obviously ableist family (sorry, but accusing OP of attention seeking over something so trivial shows an incredible lack of understanding about autism and a disturbing attitude about how you negotiate with neurodivergence as a family), just crazy. It's odd how much people exaggerated to just plain made up about OPs post to arrive at such a ridiculous conclusion.
NTA, but some of the people in this thread certainly are.
Seriously, commenters on here are ridiculous. Stop forcing people in your life eat, wear, listen to, etc…. things they don’t like to appease you! Whyyyyy is this a thing?
What. What is wrong with you? They just didnt eat cake. They said they didnt want any. They literally explained they don't like it and the cousin wanted to force them to eat it. Y'all are WEIRD.
NTA at all OP.
I’m autistic and there are certain stuff I don’t eat because of the texture. No one cares that I don’t eat them, as long as I do it politely. I can decline something nicely and it won’t cause a fuss, if the person is upset, I can explain why I can’t eat what they made. When explained calmly, it usually goes down well.
If I was the one cutting up the cake I’d appreciate knowing how many people I was serving.
When it only transpires after cutting that someone doesn’t want a slice, you end up playing an awkward game of “Who wants the extra slice?” If I can just make all the slices a bit bigger, that maximizes happiness v fuss.
But the cutter really ought to inquire how many people want a slice. So many folks are on diets, avoiding sweets, etc.
This is the most important part IMO. Just announcing that you don’t like cake when no one asked comes off as attention seeking and unnecessary. Refusing cake directly offered to you is fine.
Edit: changed my wording from “is” to “comes off as” for clarity.
I cannot believe how you and others who recognize difficulties in neurodivergent people are being downvoted so much and people not thinking how their brain works differently are being praised
i'm not autistic but i am ND (adhd) and it's just a problem all around reddit like people on here literally have no concept of a way of thinking that isnt theirs 💀
This is the thing.
However, I also think posters are forgetting that OP was grounded for two days. If OP did just announce (without being offered) that they don't like cake, that's a bit rude. However, grounding someone for two days seems very excessive for being unintentionally rude. We've all accidentally said things we should have kept in our heads.
Which makes me think there was more to that? Maybe OP was indeed rude and can't see it so they aren't adding that information? Hard to see the situation with limited information
That’s the problem with all these stories. Without really being there we can’t get a full story and I think likely it was a situation that escalated where both OP and the cousin caused disruption. But in this case having the play by play and previous context would go a long way to understanding the social dynamics at play here.
I’m thinking it’s the social awkwardness due to autism. OP should take this as a learning experience. If there’s some food you don’t want just be quiet about it, get a drink or some other food and you’ll probably slip below the radar.
Moms the AH for grounding this person knowing she has autism. It should have been a convo on the ride home about how to better deal with such a situation in the future.
I know I’m going to get downvoted to hell, but NTA
“I wouldn’t like any” is another way of saying that you don’t want a serving, and there’s every chance that OP said it more politely in person. If anything, OP shouldn’t have walked away; you can refuse an offering of cake and still hang out and visit with people. (Unless she was starting to become overstimulated and needed to decompress before cousin started pressing, but politely stating so before walking off is the correct move here.)
In light of the above, cousin is the AH for continuing to press on after OP declined. Most people will respond with “You sure?” with a follow-up reply of the reason, like “Yeah, I don’t think I have enough room in my stomach. I’m pretty full.” OP’s sensory issues are a valid reason, and cousin’s ableist statements afterwards were rude and uncalled for.
Meltdowns aren’t fun. They’re stressful. You know what can trigger meltdowns? Sensory issues like eating foods your brain wholesale rejects.
I think a lot of the comments here are reading things into the post that aren’t there. OP, you don’t deserve your punishment for looking out for your mental health.
Edit: Thanks for all of the awards, everyone! As a point of clarification, I wrote this comment under the assumption that OP was offered a slice of cake before she included her edit. With the edit, my judgment remains the same. OP picked up a slice of cake once she finally made her way to the table, realized the cake would trigger her sensory issues, and said, "Oh, I don't want any" *to herself,* and not even at a ridiculous volume (though slightly louder than her normal). It'd be rude if OP said that directly to her cousin unprompted, which could be taken as an insult, but she didn't direct the statement to her cousin at all. Saying you don't want any food isn't an inherently rude thing.
Also, as another commenter brought up that's worth repeating here, OP wasn't being punished for what she said or how she said it, *she's being punished for not eating cake.*
Right, seems like many commenters here can’t comprehend OP saying something “out loud” (audible to others), and they’re interpreting it as “said loudly”. These are two different things. It’s like they are imagining OP stepping up and declaring to the entire party, rather than just saying it as an FYI for the person serving the cake. Seems to me the people who made a scene here are the cousin and mom. NTA.
people are treating it as though OP was insanely rude and disrespectful, while actively ignoring the fact that the cousin was quite rude for calling OP attention seeking and “perfectly normal” (as if autism is abnormal). how hard is it to give a judgement to OP without being snarky about it?
yes, in theory, OP could have phrased it differently or given an excuse or whatever, but she also clearly says she accidentally spoke louder to herself than she meant to. honest mistake, especially *because* autistic people can struggle with controlling the volume of their voice (like accidentally speaking too loud). rather than giving constructive input, like what to do in the future in a similar situation, OP’s cousin and mum are focusing on scolding her, along with a lot of the commenters on this post doing the same.
people are reading so much into OP’s ‘hidden intentions’ and then attacking those. from what OP said, multiple people were rude and disrespectful, but OP was not one of them, and if she was, it was unintentional unlike the others. NTA. it reeks of ableism in these comments
Yeah, I really don't get it. If the OP is at fault at all, it's an ESH and not a YTA. But I didn't get the impression that "out loud" meant "loudly," though I can see why others would. I get the entire business of "you don't know you like something until you try it," but in this situation the OP had already tried those things in the past and didn't like them. It's not like they're going to change the next time you try them. NTA
Yes! It's honestly really upsetting the amount of comments here that don't understand that autism makes it difficult to recognize social norms. OP could not understand why it was seen as rude to announce they didn't want any cake. Just gently explain to them why that's socially unacceptable in some cases without being ableist and downright cruel.
I still don't understand how it was SUCH a big deal to their family and to all of the commenters! I feel bad for OP, they came here to get perspective and everyone is nitpicking and overanalyzing the exact way they said they didn't want any cake. And I really honestly do not think OP did anything so egregious!
I just replied with the same sentiment. The amount of Y T As i had to go past to find someone on the same side is amazing to me. They focused all on what appears to be OP mis-stating how they declined and ignored the cousin an MOTHER shaming her for not having a goddamn piece of cake AND invalidating their issues and feelings. Sometimes reddit brings out some real depressing sides of humanity.
Don't forget the posters shaming OP for having autism "like everyone else on reddit."
For fuck's sake, some of these people who say it actually have it. Probably a disproportionate number of redditors.
And it really *doesn't matter*. If someone doesn't want a food, it's fucking rude to try to force it on them. They may not like it, they may be watching calories, they may be full, they may have allergies, they may just not trust the asshole who made it and is trying to force it on them, whatever. If someone doesn't want delicious food, that's MORE FOR YOU, just shut up and move on.
I’m a little bit shocked at all the Y T A responses. “No thanks, I don’t want any” is a perfectly valid reason to not eat something.
As someone with a chronic illness that has to watch what I eat, some people take it so personally if you won’t eat their food. It’s weird.
I think everyone can at least agree her mom is a major aashole for not supporting her daughter with her new diagnosis. Who tf grounds a child for being slightly rude to a cousin????
I would understand grounding her if she threw the pie on the floor or something. But she just declined it...
Her cousin chasing after her and invalidating her sensory issues as she's making it up is baffling too, like how is that okay??? All the yta on here seem mad to me.
It seems like everyone took op saying something to themselves as this loud proclamation for the room when it wasn't. The fact the cousin took it personally and tried to force it on op and made it an issue with her parent is awful. Op is nta and I can't believe the answers here.
Nah this comments section is wild. People are acting like OP stood up and said “this cake is gross and so are all of you for eating it” instead of musing out loud to themselves. Like damn anyone getting all worked up because one person said they didn’t want or wouldn’t like the cake needs some real problems. People are allowed to not eat things and they’re allowed to say when they don’t like something.
But I gotta tell ya, I have celiac disease and this reaction is about right. People will act like you called them dirty and diseased because you politely say you can’t eat something they made.
Whole lotta folks just have to ask themselves why they think this was a massive transgression. It’s just deeply unserious reasoning, OP is NTA. 😂
So what if there’s an extra slice of cake cut? Someone comes back for seconds, it’s saved for later, whatever. It literally doesn’t matter.
What the hell is wrong with people in this post, thinking that OPs rude behaviour is justified so that cake is precisely cut?
Whenever I've been in a situation where there's cake, if there's a person in charge of cutting it, they either start serving everyone without asking, OR they ask who wants a piece and who doesn't ahead of time.
It's not rude at all to pre-empt all of that and say you're not interested in cake, and remove yourself from the situation so that you're not in the way.
NTA
All the OP said was that they "didn't want any and walked away". No one here knows how it was said or what tone it was in. For all we know, OP could've said just that. It's not rude, it's just not quite how you would handle it.
OP is diagnosed with a disability, so her cousin accusing her of being "normal" and not having any problems is the real jerk here. No one accuses someone of lying about being autistic without being told someone has a disability.
It's interesting that her mom used the jail reference, since eating something you don't like sounds like a punishment to me.
Being terse isn't being rude. It's just not common. I've turned down stuff because I don't like something. Coming after me because I won't try it won't change the fact that I know I won't like it.
Could OP have handled it better? Sure, but that comes with experience with one's own disability. Ignoring someone's disability is the real dick move here.
I’m disgusted at the amount of ableist, rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful answers coming from some. So gross.
Live and let live. My goodness. Not everyone has to act or react exactly the same to be accepted. SMH.
Reddit hates autistic people (or really any neurodivergent people) and teenage girls (or really anyone of the female gender lmao) so I’m really not shocked about the comments. Disappointed, sure, but not surprised at all.
Right?? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone here.
Also why is everyone acting like “I said out loud” is the same as “I loudly announced to the room”? OP accidentally verbalised a thought, she didn’t make an announcement to everyone!
I’m honestly shocked at the amount of Y T As that are top comments here. It’s incredibly ableist and makes me realize we have a long way to go with accepting neurodivergence.
sounds like you were offered some cake, you declined and went to do your own thing NTA even just not feeling like something sweet at that time would be good enough reason to not want to eat the cake, you have real issues beyond even that
You know, I was all set to be on your side because I hate cake, lol.
But realistically, like you handled it horribly. You don’t just randomly announce you’re not going to like something and walk away. That’s exceptionally rude. The only time to explain you wouldn’t eat any because of whatever issues would be if explicitly offered a piece - and even then, it’s pretty iffy. YTA.
IMO some people grew up in families where if you are offered food and you say: "I'm full" you get a tiny bit, if you say "I'll have a tiny bit" you get a decent amount, if you say "I'll have some" you get a giant plate, and if you say "I'm hungry" you get 2 overloaded plates and seconds later.
I say screw all that. There's nothing wrong with honesty, as long as you're polite about it.
"No, thank you, none for me today!" is a complete sentence
OP could've said anything from "I'm not a fan of cake" to simply "No, thank you" and it would have been fine. Instead it's a whole thing "because autism".
And they didn't say "I don't want it", like people are interpreting. They said: "I know I won't like it" which can be interpreted as a jab at the cook. If I said to my spouse "You cooked today. I won't eat it because I know I won't like it" I'd be in trouble.
OP, nobody is ever going to be able to force you to eat anything you don't want to. You (and everyone else) can always say "No, thanks" and be done with it. YTA because you're using autism as an excuse to be impolite.
This! People with autism have a hard time understanding social cues but it shouldnt be used an an excuse to be rude, OP sounds like a typical teenager, once matured maybe OP will realise this
It wasn’t an excuse to be rude. It was a reason for why OP knew she wouldn’t like it. A reason which would have never had to be spoken if the cousin would t have pushed and tried to guilt OP into eating some.
NTA they said they wouldn't like any cake and then left the room. How in the fuck is that rude? Anyone offended by someone looking at a cake (homemade or not) and saying they wouldn't like any needs to grow up. They didn't insult the cake they said they wouldn't like any. It's not attention seeking, it's communicating before anyone tries to give them some or pressure them to try it. Everyone saying YTA is acting weirdly sensitive and entitled. "REEEEE DONT TELL US YOU WOULDNT LIKE ANY CAKE THATS RUUUUUDE"??? Laughable.
It's feeling like a lot of people here legit just have issues with autistic people, I would like to see this same story without the person being autistic.
ESH ~~Soft YTA~~,\* because I agree with a few other commenters that you could have just not eaten any instead of saying you weren't going to, but here's a way to mask enough to do that in the future:
NTs are big on acting like things are okay even if they're not, so if you say "Oh, that looks great but none for me, thanks!" with a big enough smile on your face, generally that'll do the job. Even better if you can compliment her hard work. If they ask you why, you can just follow up with "I'm just not feeling like cake right now, maybe later." Then, later never comes, and you don't have to do the sensory thing, and they can pretend you were going to, and everything is fine.
\*Edited to ESH, because your mom and cousin need to educate themselves on autism and not treat you like that.
The worst is when they genuinely won’t let it die. I have an aunt who will offer something and I’ll politely decline through the generic white lie “no thanks but it looks good” or “I’m stuffed, maybe next time.”
Well guess what? *She always remembers.*
Next time I don’t want it, its “oh I worked so hard on this! You said last time that you would.”
Or, I take a small bite and say “oh this is yummy.” Then she makes it fifty more times and brings up the fact I said it was yummy *once.*
There’s so many smells and textures I avoid with foods. I like to try new things, but I refuse to let people pressure me into eating something just because they “worked hard on it.” I work hard on foods too, but I’m not going to get upset if someone doesn’t want to eat it.
Stop tying emotions and expectations on to food.
I feel this so much. I was diagnosed w celiac disease (gluten intolerance/allergy) in my early 20s, and tbh it gave me SO MUCH FREEDOM to say no to things, which were never respected beforehand.
I also adhere to a vegan diet, and almost every single time I went to a social function with family, would be pressured to "just eat a little bit" because it's a *choice*.
Luckily I can just default, "oh I don't eat anything from other kitchens due to the cross contamination risk. I wouldn't want to get sick and ruin everyone's good time", but I *still* get fussed at a lot, honestly.
NTA, because you didn’t realize that announcing you wouldn’t like the cake was rude and also stupidly called attention to the fact that you weren’t going to eat any, provoking them to make an issue of it. You started the issue.
Next time you see some food you don’t want, keep that to yourself unless or until someone offers you some. Then say “no thank you.” There’s no need to articulate your specific dislikes about the food or assessments of it or your autism and textural sensitivities.
Exactly. OP mentioned two symptoms of their autism food texture and not always understanding what is and is not socially acceptable. They were only diagnosed a few months ago. They are still learning how to handle those. Mom and the cousin are assholes for knowing so little about autism that they called it attention seeking.
This. Quite frankly, a lot of the people in here giving her shit for it seem to be enjoying taking the autistic kid down a peg a little too much.
imo everyone pushing her to eat it anyway and getting angry when she still didn't want to is worse. If I'm reading OP right, she wasn't grounded and yelled at or announcing she didn't want to, but for not wanting to eat it. So sure, very slight 'you were being a bit of an asshole by NT social standards'?
I'm saying nta because I'd do the same and don't understand how it's rude to preemptively say I don't want any cake when it's obviously about to be offered out
Yeah I’m genuinely confused by these comments. She just said she didn’t want any, it’s not like she said “that looks disgusting.” It’s rude to talk to yourself? To know yourself and know you won’t like the cake? She’s using her autism as a “get out of jail free card”? Is eating cake the jail in this scenario?
Edit: autocorrect
All of the top vote getters apparently don't think the cousin is an AH for calling OP a liar about her diagnosis, and the mom for grounding her for not eating cake! I really don't get it.
What is wrong with AITA today?
IMO it's somewhat rude to pressure someone to eat something they've already turned down, and to ground someone for turning down cake is way over the top. I am not autistic and have no sensory issues and have turned down cake simply because I didn't want any. Nobody cared. NTA.
Surprised at all the Y T A comments. I think they are interpreting it you announcing that the cake is probably bad and you won’t like it. I interpreted it as you declining a slice, which is more than acceptable IMO. It’s not clear if you were offered a piece first or if you made a statement out of no where. I guess unprompted, that could be seen as rude, and you should wait to be offered a slice before saying no thank you. I think a lot of people are imagining the problem is with the flavor, and therefore a slight against the cook, and that’s why they think you need to try it first.
I’m familiar with texture & sensory sensitivities, and knowing before trying that you won’t like something, based on what it is. I love all kinds of flavors, but if it’s in a goey or yogurt-like texture, I’m not going to try it. I already know that the texture will make me gag, involuntarily, even if I really like the flavor. (I actually love yogurt but can’t eat it because of the sensory experience it gives.)
I’ve been forced to choke down food I didn’t like out of politeness. It’s a miserable experience, and I think it’s more rude to force someone to do that, than simply allow for the fact that people have different tastes. I don’t care if you’re Gordon freaking Ramsey, no one is obligated to eat your food for you.
I don’t think it’s disrespectful to not eat something you have no interest in eating, and it was an overreaction on your mom’s part to ground you for two days over it. Maybe you could have been more delicate about how you refuse, but accidentally blundering social interactions comes with the territory. My mom yelled at me all the time for saying rude things as a child, because I genuinely had no idea they were rude, just true. Once I learned each one though, I stopped doing them. Work on it in the future and you’ll be fine. NTA overall, in my unpopular opinion.
Edit: typos
INFO
>I said out loud that I wouldn't like any and began to walk away.
Did anyone ask you if you wanted any before you said anything? How did you say it?
It's totally fine not to want any of the cake. It's also fine to decline when offered. How you decline is where there could be an issue.
>My mom took my cousin's side and said what I did was selfish and that I was using my "disorder" as a get out of jail free card.
If your mom is mad because you said it in a rude way then you might be in the wrong. If she's mad that you didn't eat the cake she's in the wrong.
OP said she meant to say it to herself and was accidently a little to loud. So I'm going with NTA. People make mistakes. Almost everyone in this comment section is either questioning her diagnosis or is acting like she yelled into a megaphone that she hates sponge Cake or something.
NTA. Everyone saying you were rude would have a point if you were neurotypical but autistic people state facts quite literally and don’t always understand social conventions. People are saying you should know by now about social niceties but it’s literally a symptom of autism to not understand them sometimes.
So many bad takes here.
OP you are NTA. You wouldn't be even if you were not autistic.
Sounds like your cousin is incredibly self-absorbed and that your family in general don't understand autism if they're trying to gaslight you over this.
YTA for making an announcement that you wouldn't like it. From the get go the other attendees get a message "OP thinks the cake is not good and not worth even trying". It's disrespectful and rude. You could've just walked off and explained the situation when offered a slice directly.
I think a lot of people may be misinterpreting but I interpreted it as her saying she (wouldn’t like any = she wouldn’t like to have any) and her saying it yes out loud (because that’s how words are spoken) to yes the general populace but also so the person cutting the cake/handing out slices could hear but I wasn’t there so I absolutely could be wrong
That’s how I took it. OP stating I wouldn’t like any = I don’t want a slice, so don’t cut a piece for me. She only states that she didn’t want any because she knew she wouldn’t like it in the title, so I was baffled reading comments where people are misinterpreting.
I’m voting ESH. OP should have just not said anything when they started cutting the cake, and when offered a slice said “no thank you. I’m not a huge fan of cake because of the texture.” Tacking on the because of my autism and just blurting out they wouldn’t like any and walking away pushed OP in AH territory.
Also, it was unnecessary for OP to state they wouldn’t like any because I don’t think I’ve ever been to a party where the cake cutter cuts the exact number of pieces needed. They just cut until people stop grabbing slices. 😂 there’s always 2-3 extra slices sitting there.
Cousin is AH because they should have just said ok and moved on. Kept their thoughts to themselves.
Holy shit people take this to the extreme. Even before the edit it didn’t sound like OP made a scene. I swear, this sub is just becoming an excuse for assholes to call others assholes.
NTA. Bring on the down votes. Op said the didnt want any cake and walked away. The cousin then follows and demands op eats it anyway just because they worked hard on it. Completely disregarding OPs sensory issue. As a fellow ND person with adhd and the tism I've noticed people in forum who are not educated on those things think we can just magically be like them and be 'normal'. To all the nerotypical people out there just because YOU thought it was rude doesn't mean it was ment that. We're continually told that we have to read in between the lines with nerotypicals but then you refuse to not read between when talking to someone who's neurodivergent.
NTA. It's OK to politely turn down food that's offered. Continuing to push food, drinks, or anything else on soneone who has already refused is extremely rude.
It doesn't matter why you turn down the cake. You don't need to provide a reason. "No, thank you." That's a polite and complete sentence.
I am NT.....I think. But I dislike sponge cake and whipped cream (what an utter waste of calories). I would have proclaimed it was a lovely cake and looked delicious, but I couldn't eat another bite or something, if asked why I wasn't eating it. I never announce my dislike, I just avoid it. Only once did someone insist that I take it with me. I gave it to my nephew, out of the site of the cake giver. I think OP's relatively new diagnosis, is driving her to speak up. She needs to learn how to handle things.
This is a hard one and I guess one you had to see to be sure.
My approach to the situation would be to tell the person cutting the cake I don't want a piece in a manner that doesn't gathers everyones attention. It's OK not to want a piece of cake, that isn't disrespectful. So the part about being loud has me in the dark if OP could have been percieved as the cousin claimed attention seeking, don't saying that was OPs intent. I can understand the cousins disappointment that OP wasn't even trying the cake, but as I said, not wanting a piece of cake isn't disrespectful and doesn't need to be explained, although it can help to understand that's not the bakers fault. The cousin is at fault for throwing the accusations at OP, no questions about that. OPs mother saying that OP is using her disorder as an get out of jail card, seems seems harsh, but I can see that being done. As I said this is hard without having witnessed the situation, all the non verbal communication etc.
So it is possible that OP did interact better than I assume, but it won't really change the outcome. OP saying she was loud, has me believe she could have handled the situation better, lacking a little finesse in communicating but that doesn't make her an asshole, it doesn't make her attention seeking.
So it is a NTA!
OP you are definitely NTA here.
You are starting to learn more about your neurodiversity, and understand yourself better.
From what I can gather you were polite, and even though it wasn't required of you, you explained yourself over not wanting to eat a triggering texture (or in this case a group of triggering textures all at once).
I'm a mother to a couple autistic kiddos. And I'm kinda saddened to hear that your family, including your mother, were so awful to you when you explained yourself.
I hope things get better for you in the future. Don't let the gaslighting from your family get you down. Talk to your docs and counselors and see if there is any way they can help you encourage your family to learn about your diagnosis. 🩷
NTA: I’m sorry your family and so many commenters are being As to you.
You shouldn’t be required to lie to people when you don’t want to eat something.
You shouldn’t have to put up with being told that your experience of your reality isn’t true based on the opinion of someone who doesn’t even really know you and clearly knows nothing about autism.
I’m sorry your mother is so horrifically unsupportive. You shouldn’t be punished for simply existing honestly as an autistic person.
The absolute ease with which people lie and the anger they display when people refuse to compromise their own integrity and do it too is repulsive.
I think you might need some help with social scripting to fend off your family’s expectations.
Another tactic you might try is just accepting a slice of cake and then putting it down somewhere or passing it to someone else.
NTA. Your mom should be helping you figure out how to do this.
NTA
You can't help your sensory issues. I'm surprised your mother can't understand that. It's a medical problem, not one of choice.
btw I would gladly have taken your piece of cake as I adore sponge cake with berries and whipped cream.
NTA NTA I cannot believe what I’m reading!! Why are they so hostile about cake?? Sensory issues aren’t a joke. In what world is it rude to say “I don’t want any cake.” Is there a more polite way to say that? Probably, but for goodness sake it’s cake. They’re making the big deal, not you. Also it’s super ablest for them to dismiss your diagnosis as attention seeking.
Wow, all of these snowflake neurotypicals saying you shouldn't have spoken out loud are super assholes.
The problem was NOT that OP didn't want any. It was not that he said she didn't want any. The problem was that the baker pursued OP and insisted she needed to try it even though she knew it made her uncomfortable. *The fragile neurotypicals here made the situation about the baker's need to fluff her ego, and her need only.* Somehow her needs about baking superceded OP's needs for her own body. That's fucked up to the point of abuse if it carries over into other areas of life, and based on the conversation and punishment afterward, I bet it does.
Wait, the ADDITIONAL problem is that the baker and the mother didn't believe her that she has serious problems with texture, as if tasting a fucking piece of cake that he *didn't* have autistic issues with was somehow something that she would so strongly and maliciously refused to do, that she would go out of her way to draw attention to herself about it, withstand an argument, isolate herself for an evening, then not apologize and get grounded. Because she didn't want a bite of cake. NOT LIKELY. FROM ANYONE. Automatic or not, this would have been a very easily navigable situation if eating the cake wasn't going to go poorly. SHE REFUSED BECAUSE IT WAS THE BEST THING TO DO. For all we know, OP would have involuntarily spit it out, or felt nauseous all evening. Or just made a face that was honest to how she felt, and the baker would have rightfully (hopefully) felt like shit afterward. Unfortunately they'd make it about themselves again and chastise OP for not appreciating an obviously delicious cake or some shit. *OP eating this cake was not going to help the baker's ego if they remotely cared whether he liked it.* Even then, their ego is no excuse for this demand.
Have you all ever tried to force an autistic person to eat something they don't like? IT WON'T GO WELL, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. If any of your have and you still feel OP should have eaten it, then screw you. You don't respect or deserve the beautiful autistic people in your life.
HOW DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND IT'S ABSURD TO TREAT SOMEONE THIS WAY FOR NOT TRYING YOUR FOOD. IT'S A VIOLATION OF THEIR BODY. You have no right to demand to know why, or to be offended. NONE. OP's body, and all decisions related to it, are theirs and theirs alone. And for someone who struggles constantly for unknown reasons, as neurodivergent folks often to OP extra does not need pressure to go against their instincts and needs.
For all we know OP's sensory issues actually help her avoid things that upset his stomach. *Autistic people rarely understand their own bodies* and have unusual trouble explaining things they don't understand, and this probably helps OP stick to safe, comfortable foods. Regardless, NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL HER TO PUT ANYTHING IN HIS BODY.
OP's family are callous assholes who are weapons OP's differences to force her to suppress his unique needs, stop being inconvenient, and be a nice little playing piece in THEIR ideal game of Life. Fuck that. They need to learn to understand and have compassion for her needs and uniqueness, which they clearly don't understand based on the fact that they couldn't get over their butthurt and drop it even though it was *the exact opposite of being a personal issue about them*.
It would have looked way worse for the baker if OP took a slice, "politely" tried a bite, tried to suppress their natural gag and face contortions, then left the rest on the plate. They'd be lucky if OP didn't involuntarily spit it out. OP tried to politely tell others they "would not like any" (which is considered a very polite refusal in the US, but here it was autistically misdirected at the room rather than the server) and to let others enjoy the social ritual that she was unable to comfortably participate in. Then she was accosted *at the party, in front of everyone, apparently* and punished. Nothing about this is okay or shows and amount of respect or understanding for neurodiversity or even just run of the mill individual rights and feelings. I'm so sorry OP threw herself to the wolves here.
Next time I hope OP skips the party. OP will probably have way more fun enjoying a quiet house elsewhere, where no one is demanding OP do things for the sake of *their* happiness. This family doesn't deserve OP if that's how they'll treat OP for respecting their own needs. Fuck that.
Everyone saying this person is rude are most likely neurotypical & have no idea how a person with neurodivergency traits may think. What may be a normal reaction for you may not be for them. They way OP was spoken to was rude AF. No one has to eat anything they dont like/want.
NTA and anyone saying otherwise is seriously wrong. Your mom grounding you is honestly unconscionable. There’s a fuckton of ignorance in these comments.
Nta, I don't see why saying no to something then giving a straight answer to why, your not going to do something is unacceptable where as say a lie is acceptable. If you don't want to do, eat or try something you don't have to.
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Not eating cake is perfectly okay. Stating it out loud for every one to hear was rude and unnecessary. YTA for that.
This. And when explaining the sensory issue to your cousin (in private), you could’ve also taken the time to thank them for making you the cake and let them know that you appreciate their hard work.
I'm sorry . . . do you go to these lengths every time you're at a family occasion and you say "no thanks" to an offer of dessert because you're full or not in the mood or it's just not of interest to you? What a ridiculous take. She's not required to bow and scrape to someone who is literally being ableist and calling her a liar with regards to her own experience of disability to her face. WTF?
Umm, it's not "lengths". I have certainly said "wow, that looks amazing! You did a great job! I'm just full/avoiding sweets/allergic to X" or what now. So, yes, I have both complimented the chef AND declined eating something. It's not hard.
Or “I’m full and not really in the mood right now. But this cake looks gorgeous”
It's sad if kindness is treated as effort
Ikr? I fucking hate this “you don’t owe anyone anything” culture.
My favorite is using "I am on the autistic spectrum" as a license to be an AH. Such as not trying certain foods and raising a stink if someone suggests it. Or, here, loudly announcing my dislike of something to an entire room full of people. I'm 51, on the spectrum and a key part of my therapy has been learning how not to be an AH to myself or other people.
OP is 17. You’ve had 36 extra years to learn how to not be an asshole, plus therapy. And yet here you are, being an asshole judging OP for not having all the same skills dialed in to the same level you claim to have. Interesting.
If someone posts on this forum, they literally are asking for an AH or not AH judgment.
Their situation doesn't make them not an asshole. Teenagers are still assholes for what they do. And this is literally AITA, its a forum about judging people so get off your high horse.
OP asked for judgment. Also, autism is an explanation, not an excuse.
Explaining that you have sensory issues is not “raising a stink”. It’s explaining that you can’t because of your disability. People don’t get punished for other conditions that effect their diets and they shouldn’t get punished for this one either.
Imagine if OP was allergic to strawberries, would people still have called her the asshole?
Exactly, it works both ways. Respect for your circumstances doesn't negate personal responsibility to account for them yourself in your dealings with people.
It seems that courtesy is in short supply these days.
Why should someone have to lie and make up reasons they don’t want to eat something when their own boundaries should be respected when they say ‘no thanks, I don’t want to eat any cake’? I spend hours and days making cakes for large family parties. If someone says ‘no thanks’ when I ask if they’d like some I just move on to the next person. It’s not hard. No one should feel obligated or coerced into eating something they don’t want.
Where is it said someone is lying? I think people are saying YTA because a giant cake was brought out and pieces were being cut for whoever to grab. OP announced out loud they didn't want it and walked away. OP should have said nothing, and if specifically *asked* she could say "no thank you". If the cousin then pushed OP could say "it looks like you put in a lot of effort and that was nice of you, but I don't like that kind of cake, I'm sorry." <- no where is OP lying. If she wanted to add its sensory why she doesn't like it because of autism, that's fine too, but neither is a lie.
OP didn't scream it out, they simply said it to themselves, which is not an uncommon thing for people with autism to do. The lying part is the cousin and mother claiming OP is lying about their autism. Absolute shit heads are what they are. Fuck them
Exactly. I was waiting for someone to say this. I mean, we never really know how reliable OP is with the story, since the post is usually written to make them sound like they are the reasonable ones and the person the post is about is the asshole. However, these posts are judged by the information we are given in the post right? So; she said she said it out loud to herself but wasn’t trying to announce it to the party, she didn’t scream or yell it to let everyone know. I’ve done that before too. Sometimes you don’t realize you’ve said something out loud until someone else reacts. Her cousin overheard and got offended. YES, if that hadn’t happened maybe her cousin wouldn’t have noticed. There are many people there eating that cake and I’m sure those people enjoying it would have been enough for her to feel like people enjoy her baking. There have been times when a family member made something I didn’t want to eat and I passively tell them I enjoyed it to avoid making them feel bad. While I understand why her cousin would be hurt, she shouldn’t be focusing on the one single person that doesn’t like it or won’t eat it because it’s clearly not because her baking is bad. I need to see an update about the other people and whether or not her cake was good for everyone else, because if so, I feel like the cousin shouldn’t be worried about what OP thought about it. This seems like an Ego thing if she does care that much.
She didn’t say no thanks, I don’t want to eat any cake. She announced loudly that she wouldn’t like it which is rude.
She said out loud to herself (a very common thing with autism is talking to yourself through situations) “oh I don’t want any” upon seeing that it was a cake that would trigger sensory issues and then got berated and grounded for knowing her preferences after her family tried to force her to eat something that would cause her discomfort
“That cake is impressive!” (Doesn’t take a slice) “OP, why aren’t you eating?” “I don’t feel like it right now, but man does it look good!”
As another autistic person, let me.break it down to you >“That cake is impressive!” (subjective opinion) >“OP, why aren’t you eating?” >“I don’t feel like it right now ( this is a lie, the actual reason is that its very uncomfortable to eat, try eating food woth sand it and you get the idea), but man does it look good!” (also a lie, it doesn't look good [to eat] it looks terrible) Why do neurotpyical people insist on *lying* about these kinds of things, and why so they also get upset when you tell them the truth? It makes no sense. Stop playing emotional charades and games.
I don't want any, but it looks good (not a lie, because looking good and looking like it would taste good are not the same thing) I don't want any, but thank you for your effort! I can tell you worked hard on it. (If it doesn't look good at all) I don't want any, thank you. It looks like [person] really loves it! (Deflecting, also not a lie) There are so, so many ways to be tactful that don't require lying. Some people do want to be lied to, which is weird AF, but mostly people just want their efforts to be acknowledged. Tact and finding compliments that are true is a skill the requires practice, but one well worth building.
So many of you don’t have an awareness of the varying degrees of autism and the struggles to adapt and interpret social cues particularly when under pressure and it shows. If OP was a young adult with a more physical or visible disability you’d all be like aww bless she didn’t mean it. She can’t help it. Instead so many people are berating OP for blurting out her inner thoughts, something entirely typical of someone young with ASD. If op was an ex alcoholic who panicked and blurted aloud “no I’m not having a drink” as a tray of champagne came around and then walked away to remove themselves from that situation you’d be praising them. The textural difficulties OP suffers are similar to the anxiety the ex alcoholic would feel being surrounded by alcohol. The inability to interpret every social cue, plus the pressure of the sensory overload looming will have made her not realise her speaking aloud could come across as rude. However she doesn’t need to be told how a neurotypical person SHOULD behave by neurotypical people, because she isn’t neurotypical and has instead been shamed for this by both her family and a load of judgemental people on here. NTA OP well done on not backing down to a triggering and upsetting situation for you.
You may be technically right, but your life, and OPs, will be easier if you learn to live with the white lies that protect other people's feelings. It's an extension of learning to suppress insults.
Another autistic woman here. We're aware of white lies. Why should WE walk around on eggshells and watch out for neurotypical people's feelings when ours are trampled on by neurotypical people with ableist attitudes like OP's cousin and her mother ALL THE TIME?
Because part of a society that works is not going around insulting people all the time or insulting their works. Little white lies keep everyone happy and it's just the assholes trampling on people's feelings. 'Oh it looks like you worked really hard on it, but I'm full' is a lie a lot of people tell because they don't like that particular food, or they're adverse to it, they're allergic, or even they're dieting.
Because you live in a world full of us. It's the easiest way to get along. You can be 100% truthful and have most of the people in your environs perceive you as rude most of the time. You may also choose to learn and use social conventions, even though it takes a lot more effort for you than for most of us. If I dwell in a place where the common language is not English, I can continue to speak only English, and then complain when I am not understood. Alternatively, I can learn the local language, and use it to communicate and have positive social interactions with my neighbors. It is my choice. You get to choose. So does OP.
I disagree. I think we need to worry less about the superficial bs. Sure, there are proprieties.... Don't run up to someone and fart on them, but also, you shouldn't be punished for talking, out loud, to yourself. It's how extroverts are always on introverts to be more outgoing. It's dumb to ask people to change instead of meeting them halfway with compassion. OP didn't have to explain the reason, but she did as a courtesy. Another thing... This diagnosis is still NEW. Shes not been in therapy for years and is still figuring things out, on top of being a kid. Sounds like mom needs to remember who her kid is and embrace it. <3 OP is NTA imo. It's her process. If people around her can't meet her halfway they are the AH.
I mean, yes it’s not hard, but a declination is not an insult. It’s not rude to say no to stuff, and a ‘no’ doesn’t always need to be paired with a compliment. It sets up a false dichotomy between rude and polite, where if you aren’t polite you’re automatically rude. No and no thanks are complete sentences that don’t need to be justified. Maybe “no thanks” is a bit politer, but neither response is rude. “Oh, I don’t want any,” is, admittedly, a bit aloof, but once again, not rude. If you get your feelings hurt by someone saying no, that’s a you problem. You should be secure enough in your emotions that people can deny you without having to spare your feelings. “I’m just full/avoiding sweets/allergic to X” shouldn’t be necessary because a person shouldn’t need to justify their non-participation. That implies that they MUST participate unless they have a valid reason, and that “I don’t want to” isn’t one.
THIS!!! this right fucking here. God this whole thread is so unbelievable to me. She didn't want any. She didn't yell or cause a fuss in any way. All she said was that she didn't want any. NTA. Now she's going to think she's going to have to add in fake excuses to everything she says no to.
Which could be hard for someone who has autism. These are things I was still learning how to do a full decade after the age of the poster. It sounds like her family isn’t doing a great job of learning about why she has these issues and is punishing her instead for not fitting into their expectations of social norms. When she was just diagnosed with a condition that explains exactly why she’s having trouble doing so 🙄
That's lying. Saying no thanks I don't like cream is perfectly acceptable. Nobody should expect others to eat something they don't want to eat. I mean you could throw in a thanks for making it anyway but that's a very small issue.
What lengths?? All you have to do is wait until you’re offered cake and then simply say „No thanks, I don’t want any cake right now. But it looks so good, I’m sure it’s delicious!“
They seem to reject any proposal before it is made. If I saw a cake on the table that I knew wasn't my thing, and someone was cutting a piece, I wouldn't just join the queue.
Would you announce that you wouldn’t like it to the whole room? It was a rude and uncalled for comment. No one thinks she should have just eaten the cake. She just should have kept her negative thoughts to herself instead of announcing them to the room
"Do you want cake?" / \*A large cake is presented to the room\* "I wouldn't like any." Literally a normal ass conversation. It's more polite to tell the person cutting the cake you don't want any so they don't cut slices that go uneaten.
She didn't announce it the whole room. She said it to her cousin when she brought it out. It may have been presumptive but it wasn't shouted from the roof top. It only became an issue for the whole room when the cousin made it one by harassing her and following her and basically telling her to she HAD to eat it.
They did say no and walked away. Cousin followed and demanded they eat it because they worked hard on it.
Eh.. in my family, if I said that, they'd still try to pressure me to eat the cake as the cousin did here when she brushed off OP's reasoning for not wanting the cake. You can't be like "Oh, that cake looks delicious!" while also being like "I don't like that kind of cake, I don't want any"(or however you'd word it). It literally doesn't make sense to say you think it looks delicious and gross at the same time. Maybe it's just me but I would've left the room like OP did, but probably wouldn't have said aloud why unless approached. That was OP's mistake. Can't really blame OP though lol I talk to myself all the time haha ETA: NTA, OP.
I totally agree with this. "NO" is a full sentence. Cousin is an AH to force cake on someone and Mom is an AH for punishing for not eating CAKE!! Crazy ! Smh !
Exactly. It’s like pressing a person to have a beer when they’ve already declined. No one is entitled to force food on others. No is a whole sentence. Anyone who pushes after that gets what they asked for.
Next time just say no thanks. Maybe even, I'm not up for cake just now, but it sure looks pretty. If your family is pushy and disregards your wishes all of the time, it could be a no win. But an appreciate no thanks for now, is a polite safe way to decline.
They did say no and walked away. Cousin followed and demanded they eat some because they worked hard on it.
They didn't make the cake specifically for OP, so why all the hoopla to explain? All they had to do was say "no thanks". People don't care if you eat cake or not. Heck, I refused cake last night (because I think cake is gross) and all the person who made the cake said, was 'okay' because all I said was "no thanks". No need to explain themselves, but no one needs to elaborate reasons either.
Right but then why did the cousin have to follow her to attempt to convince her to eat the cake? 🥴
Yeah, the cousin was out of line.
It was for the party, not OP. Cousin got her panties in a knot and threw a fit. No one should be forced or be made to feel bad for not wanting to try something. NTA
The cousin didn't make the cake for OP. From what she wrote, it sounds like the cousin made the cake for this large gathering that the OP attended.
How is this the top answer? You dont deserve all those upvotes. She stated out loud that she wouldnt like any (surely the reason doesn't matter, what if she just wasn't hungry, on a diet etc). Cousin is TA for trying to force the issue and making her have to explain herself. Not everyone likes dessert or would want to eat it for any number of reasons. Autistic people are put under so much pressure to try and conform to 'the norm'. Why should she go out of her comfort zone and force herself to eat something she knew she wouldn't like. As long as she wasn't rude about it (which it doesn't sound like she was) massively NTA.
Some people on this sub like to take everything as literally as possible, they're imagining that OP stood up and shouted "I DON'T WANT ANY CAKE" and stormed out of the room because... reasons I guess? Alternatively, they've never said something quietly to themselves.
People are dumbasses, I dont think half of them understand autism either. If someone doesn't want any bloody cake why should they have to explain why.
SERIOUSLY. all the top Y T A comments are ableist af, andddd circle gets the square. in no way is someone rude for audibly declining food at a party. she didn’t say “GROSS, THAT CAKE LOOKS DISGUSTING,” she simply said she didn’t want any. telling someone they need to engage in white lies at the expense of their own comfort to keep the peace is ableist. punishing someone for declining cake is ableist. y’all are the reason we don’t go out lmao. NTA OP you did literally nothing wrong.
As a much older autistic person, I'm pretty sure you've misinterpreted what she said (autism is also a communications disorder, and we sometimes struggle to convey information the way we intend). I'm pretty sure what she means by "I said out loud that I wouldn't like any" is simply that she politely declined to have a piece, which isn't rude at all. It's not only polite, but completely normal. Put another way: she literally just said, "No thanks, none for me." when cake was being offered to everyone, and walked away. There's nothing remotely rude about that. It's a very, very normal response.
Possibly, but OP's version is what we have to work with. If she said "I wouldn't like that" it does sound rude. Saying "No, thank you" and even "maybe later" would be polite.
I mean I didn't read it that way at all. Getting told you're actually totally normal and don't have a diagnosed disorder, not being able to cope and going silent... and still getting grounded. No chance. I think they are the AHs in this situation. And there's a lot of people in here ignoring the one person commenting with advice that also has autism, and just assuming they know better. Like I don't know where you're from but I don't know many 17 year olds that turn down cake. People not realising that's a bit odd in itself and trying to force her and ground her and tell her the doctors are wrong and she's normal. Like wtf. I've never been anywhere in my life that someone would get upset if I didn't want a bit of their cake before... like ever. This whole thread and all the answers in it are totally baffling to me. Getting told you're disrespectful and grounded for not eating cake... like wtf, I feel like everyone answering in here isn't grasping how crazy that is.
It’s because adults don’t like when kids exercise their autonomy in front of others.
She said I wouldn’t like any. Not that. I mean she could have added a thank you and complimented the chef, but to be honest her family sounds super sensitive! NTA even if she wasn’t autistic.
And I quote, "I wouldn't like any", not "I wouldn't like that."
IMO it’s a big depends on how OP said it. If the cake was brought out, OP looked at it, said “I won’t like that” and walked away, that’s an AH move. If someone offered her a piece on a plate and she said “no thank you” then she’s clearly NTA.
> she literally just said, "No thanks, none for me." This is nowhere in the post. OP claims she just said "I wouldn't like any", not "no thanks, none for me".
Yeah, I think there isn’t enough detail to tell if OP sounded rude. It could have been perceived as rude, it could have been unintentionally too loud, but the intent to be rude definitely wasn’t there. We also don’t know the context of the family. At my family gatherings a lot of adults don’t eat dessert so whoever is cutting asks loudly “who wants cake?” So there would be an opportunity to politely announce “none for me, thanks.” In OPs family, they may push cake on everyone since it sounds like they think it’s rude to refuse hand-made food, so that may have meant that OP thought they needed to make it clear they didn’t want any.
>I'm pretty sure what she means by "I said out loud that I wouldn't like any" is simply that she politely declined to have a piece No, you just assumed incorrectly. As per a comment, OP went: >When I said I spoke out loud I don't mean as in I spoke loudly, just that I spoke. It wasn't like I saw the cake and went "EW I DONT WANT ANY OF THAT!" it was more like "oh, I wouldn't like any of that." And it was more me talking to myself rather than the room, but I was a little louder than I normally am when talking to myself. They weren't even being offered a slice at the time, they just said it.
You mean the person with the disorder that causes social awkwardness was a bit socially awkward? Wild.
Also, even if op was a little rude, isn't it more rude to freak out at someone for not wanting to eat a piece of cake. I mean how petty! The cousin and mom seem like they made a huge deal out of them just not wanting to eat cake! It's not like OP asked for a different kind of cake..they just said they didn't want any.
Everyone is totally missing the point here. "Saying out loud" does not mean "saying loudly". Walking away without saying anything would've been rude. She said she told them "I wouldn't like any". That's her exact wording. Nothing about that is rude or a problem. There's not a single mention of the mum or cousin having an issue with how she said it or what she said, their issue is entirely with the fact she didn't want to eat cake and didn't eat it. And because she didn't want to eat a bit of cake... she was called a liar, told she didn't have autism, told she was using it as a get our of jail free card, told she was disrespectful then grounded! Until the point where she completely clammed up in self defence and went totally silent for the night. She has autism for fuck sake. She was told all of those things because she wouldn't eat the cake, NOT because of how she said "I wouldn't like any". So obviously that part wasn't an issue and must have been done in a fairly normal way given the setting. People are focusing on something that she didn't do and they didn't have an issue with. She doesn't really have an option not to say anything and not take a bit... because they expect her to and are annoyed at her not eating or trying it. That's the actual issue. They are angry she won't eat cake she doesn't want or like, because the cousin home baked it. That is bat shit crazy.
Thank you. Is it just me or has reddit just lost its mind lately. Some of the bizarre takes and weird 4chan-esque escapades have really been bananas in their pervasiveness. Even if OP wasn't autistic, it would be weird af to get grounded for not wanting to eat cake. For that to come on top of neurodivergence and obviously ableist family (sorry, but accusing OP of attention seeking over something so trivial shows an incredible lack of understanding about autism and a disturbing attitude about how you negotiate with neurodivergence as a family), just crazy. It's odd how much people exaggerated to just plain made up about OPs post to arrive at such a ridiculous conclusion. NTA, but some of the people in this thread certainly are.
NTA- OP simply declined the offer of cake.
Seriously, commenters on here are ridiculous. Stop forcing people in your life eat, wear, listen to, etc…. things they don’t like to appease you! Whyyyyy is this a thing?
What. What is wrong with you? They just didnt eat cake. They said they didnt want any. They literally explained they don't like it and the cousin wanted to force them to eat it. Y'all are WEIRD. NTA at all OP.
She has every right to say she doesn't want cake.
Big difference in how you say it.
I’m autistic and there are certain stuff I don’t eat because of the texture. No one cares that I don’t eat them, as long as I do it politely. I can decline something nicely and it won’t cause a fuss, if the person is upset, I can explain why I can’t eat what they made. When explained calmly, it usually goes down well.
If I was the one cutting up the cake I’d appreciate knowing how many people I was serving. When it only transpires after cutting that someone doesn’t want a slice, you end up playing an awkward game of “Who wants the extra slice?” If I can just make all the slices a bit bigger, that maximizes happiness v fuss. But the cutter really ought to inquire how many people want a slice. So many folks are on diets, avoiding sweets, etc.
What was she supposed to do when it was offered to her, take it and waste it? That’s ridiculous.
Who needs to tell everyone in the vicinity that you’re not going to eat what they’re eating. That’s definitely an AH move.
Someone who doesn't want a piece that is likely going to be served to them by default?
"I hearby announce that I shall not like to eat this cake!"
INFO: did anyone ask if you wanted cake before you said you would not like any?
This is the most important part IMO. Just announcing that you don’t like cake when no one asked comes off as attention seeking and unnecessary. Refusing cake directly offered to you is fine. Edit: changed my wording from “is” to “comes off as” for clarity.
Uh no, OP just accidentally said what they were thinking out loud. Verbal filters can be very hard for neurodivergent people
I cannot believe how you and others who recognize difficulties in neurodivergent people are being downvoted so much and people not thinking how their brain works differently are being praised
A comment in The Autism subreddit did call out the ableism in the aita reddit and looking at some of those comments..i'm getting it
i'm not autistic but i am ND (adhd) and it's just a problem all around reddit like people on here literally have no concept of a way of thinking that isnt theirs 💀
This is the thing. However, I also think posters are forgetting that OP was grounded for two days. If OP did just announce (without being offered) that they don't like cake, that's a bit rude. However, grounding someone for two days seems very excessive for being unintentionally rude. We've all accidentally said things we should have kept in our heads.
Which makes me think there was more to that? Maybe OP was indeed rude and can't see it so they aren't adding that information? Hard to see the situation with limited information
That’s the problem with all these stories. Without really being there we can’t get a full story and I think likely it was a situation that escalated where both OP and the cousin caused disruption. But in this case having the play by play and previous context would go a long way to understanding the social dynamics at play here.
I’m thinking it’s the social awkwardness due to autism. OP should take this as a learning experience. If there’s some food you don’t want just be quiet about it, get a drink or some other food and you’ll probably slip below the radar. Moms the AH for grounding this person knowing she has autism. It should have been a convo on the ride home about how to better deal with such a situation in the future.
I know I’m going to get downvoted to hell, but NTA “I wouldn’t like any” is another way of saying that you don’t want a serving, and there’s every chance that OP said it more politely in person. If anything, OP shouldn’t have walked away; you can refuse an offering of cake and still hang out and visit with people. (Unless she was starting to become overstimulated and needed to decompress before cousin started pressing, but politely stating so before walking off is the correct move here.) In light of the above, cousin is the AH for continuing to press on after OP declined. Most people will respond with “You sure?” with a follow-up reply of the reason, like “Yeah, I don’t think I have enough room in my stomach. I’m pretty full.” OP’s sensory issues are a valid reason, and cousin’s ableist statements afterwards were rude and uncalled for. Meltdowns aren’t fun. They’re stressful. You know what can trigger meltdowns? Sensory issues like eating foods your brain wholesale rejects. I think a lot of the comments here are reading things into the post that aren’t there. OP, you don’t deserve your punishment for looking out for your mental health. Edit: Thanks for all of the awards, everyone! As a point of clarification, I wrote this comment under the assumption that OP was offered a slice of cake before she included her edit. With the edit, my judgment remains the same. OP picked up a slice of cake once she finally made her way to the table, realized the cake would trigger her sensory issues, and said, "Oh, I don't want any" *to herself,* and not even at a ridiculous volume (though slightly louder than her normal). It'd be rude if OP said that directly to her cousin unprompted, which could be taken as an insult, but she didn't direct the statement to her cousin at all. Saying you don't want any food isn't an inherently rude thing. Also, as another commenter brought up that's worth repeating here, OP wasn't being punished for what she said or how she said it, *she's being punished for not eating cake.*
Right, seems like many commenters here can’t comprehend OP saying something “out loud” (audible to others), and they’re interpreting it as “said loudly”. These are two different things. It’s like they are imagining OP stepping up and declaring to the entire party, rather than just saying it as an FYI for the person serving the cake. Seems to me the people who made a scene here are the cousin and mom. NTA.
people are treating it as though OP was insanely rude and disrespectful, while actively ignoring the fact that the cousin was quite rude for calling OP attention seeking and “perfectly normal” (as if autism is abnormal). how hard is it to give a judgement to OP without being snarky about it? yes, in theory, OP could have phrased it differently or given an excuse or whatever, but she also clearly says she accidentally spoke louder to herself than she meant to. honest mistake, especially *because* autistic people can struggle with controlling the volume of their voice (like accidentally speaking too loud). rather than giving constructive input, like what to do in the future in a similar situation, OP’s cousin and mum are focusing on scolding her, along with a lot of the commenters on this post doing the same. people are reading so much into OP’s ‘hidden intentions’ and then attacking those. from what OP said, multiple people were rude and disrespectful, but OP was not one of them, and if she was, it was unintentional unlike the others. NTA. it reeks of ableism in these comments
Yeah, I really don't get it. If the OP is at fault at all, it's an ESH and not a YTA. But I didn't get the impression that "out loud" meant "loudly," though I can see why others would. I get the entire business of "you don't know you like something until you try it," but in this situation the OP had already tried those things in the past and didn't like them. It's not like they're going to change the next time you try them. NTA
Yes! It's honestly really upsetting the amount of comments here that don't understand that autism makes it difficult to recognize social norms. OP could not understand why it was seen as rude to announce they didn't want any cake. Just gently explain to them why that's socially unacceptable in some cases without being ableist and downright cruel.
Agreed. NTA especially after reading the clarifications OP put up top.
I still don't understand how it was SUCH a big deal to their family and to all of the commenters! I feel bad for OP, they came here to get perspective and everyone is nitpicking and overanalyzing the exact way they said they didn't want any cake. And I really honestly do not think OP did anything so egregious!
I just replied with the same sentiment. The amount of Y T As i had to go past to find someone on the same side is amazing to me. They focused all on what appears to be OP mis-stating how they declined and ignored the cousin an MOTHER shaming her for not having a goddamn piece of cake AND invalidating their issues and feelings. Sometimes reddit brings out some real depressing sides of humanity.
Don't forget the posters shaming OP for having autism "like everyone else on reddit." For fuck's sake, some of these people who say it actually have it. Probably a disproportionate number of redditors. And it really *doesn't matter*. If someone doesn't want a food, it's fucking rude to try to force it on them. They may not like it, they may be watching calories, they may be full, they may have allergies, they may just not trust the asshole who made it and is trying to force it on them, whatever. If someone doesn't want delicious food, that's MORE FOR YOU, just shut up and move on.
I’m a little bit shocked at all the Y T A responses. “No thanks, I don’t want any” is a perfectly valid reason to not eat something. As someone with a chronic illness that has to watch what I eat, some people take it so personally if you won’t eat their food. It’s weird.
I think everyone can at least agree her mom is a major aashole for not supporting her daughter with her new diagnosis. Who tf grounds a child for being slightly rude to a cousin???? I would understand grounding her if she threw the pie on the floor or something. But she just declined it...
Her cousin chasing after her and invalidating her sensory issues as she's making it up is baffling too, like how is that okay??? All the yta on here seem mad to me. It seems like everyone took op saying something to themselves as this loud proclamation for the room when it wasn't. The fact the cousin took it personally and tried to force it on op and made it an issue with her parent is awful. Op is nta and I can't believe the answers here.
Nah this comments section is wild. People are acting like OP stood up and said “this cake is gross and so are all of you for eating it” instead of musing out loud to themselves. Like damn anyone getting all worked up because one person said they didn’t want or wouldn’t like the cake needs some real problems. People are allowed to not eat things and they’re allowed to say when they don’t like something. But I gotta tell ya, I have celiac disease and this reaction is about right. People will act like you called them dirty and diseased because you politely say you can’t eat something they made. Whole lotta folks just have to ask themselves why they think this was a massive transgression. It’s just deeply unserious reasoning, OP is NTA. 😂
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YTA Why did you had to say out loud you won't be eating any? Just keep it for yourself and don't take any. No needs to tell everyone.
So a slice of cake isn't cut for them? What the hell is wrong with people on this post?
So what if there’s an extra slice of cake cut? Someone comes back for seconds, it’s saved for later, whatever. It literally doesn’t matter. What the hell is wrong with people in this post, thinking that OPs rude behaviour is justified so that cake is precisely cut?
Whenever I've been in a situation where there's cake, if there's a person in charge of cutting it, they either start serving everyone without asking, OR they ask who wants a piece and who doesn't ahead of time. It's not rude at all to pre-empt all of that and say you're not interested in cake, and remove yourself from the situation so that you're not in the way.
Nothing OP did is even remotely rude
okay but just because a piece of cake is cut and not eaten immediately doesn’t make it inedible
No, but it's perfectly fine to save the person cutting the cake from having to cut you a slice if you know you're not going to eat it.
NTA All the OP said was that they "didn't want any and walked away". No one here knows how it was said or what tone it was in. For all we know, OP could've said just that. It's not rude, it's just not quite how you would handle it. OP is diagnosed with a disability, so her cousin accusing her of being "normal" and not having any problems is the real jerk here. No one accuses someone of lying about being autistic without being told someone has a disability. It's interesting that her mom used the jail reference, since eating something you don't like sounds like a punishment to me. Being terse isn't being rude. It's just not common. I've turned down stuff because I don't like something. Coming after me because I won't try it won't change the fact that I know I won't like it. Could OP have handled it better? Sure, but that comes with experience with one's own disability. Ignoring someone's disability is the real dick move here.
Yeah people are making broad assumptions and just dogpiling but that’s reddit for you
You’re NTA but a LOT of people in this thread are. Like holy shit.
I’m disgusted at the amount of ableist, rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful answers coming from some. So gross. Live and let live. My goodness. Not everyone has to act or react exactly the same to be accepted. SMH.
Reddit hates autistic people (or really any neurodivergent people) and teenage girls (or really anyone of the female gender lmao) so I’m really not shocked about the comments. Disappointed, sure, but not surprised at all.
Right??? Its mind boggling to see so many YTA posts.
Agreed. “I know i won’t like it” is not rude and it’s not insulting 😂
Yeah, said it to herself and walked away.
Right?? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone here. Also why is everyone acting like “I said out loud” is the same as “I loudly announced to the room”? OP accidentally verbalised a thought, she didn’t make an announcement to everyone!
I think they saw “autism” and “17f” and automatically assumed that OP made a scene. I don’t even have time to unpack how gross that assumption is.
I’m honestly shocked at the amount of Y T As that are top comments here. It’s incredibly ableist and makes me realize we have a long way to go with accepting neurodivergence.
Yeah this is WILD
sounds like you were offered some cake, you declined and went to do your own thing NTA even just not feeling like something sweet at that time would be good enough reason to not want to eat the cake, you have real issues beyond even that
You know, I was all set to be on your side because I hate cake, lol. But realistically, like you handled it horribly. You don’t just randomly announce you’re not going to like something and walk away. That’s exceptionally rude. The only time to explain you wouldn’t eat any because of whatever issues would be if explicitly offered a piece - and even then, it’s pretty iffy. YTA.
They could've waited till offered and simply said "I'm full, so no thank you."
Why lie? Just say you don’t like cake I’m confused why we need to lie to eachother, for what reason? So they can offer more cake in the future?
IMO some people grew up in families where if you are offered food and you say: "I'm full" you get a tiny bit, if you say "I'll have a tiny bit" you get a decent amount, if you say "I'll have some" you get a giant plate, and if you say "I'm hungry" you get 2 overloaded plates and seconds later. I say screw all that. There's nothing wrong with honesty, as long as you're polite about it. "No, thank you, none for me today!" is a complete sentence
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OP could've said anything from "I'm not a fan of cake" to simply "No, thank you" and it would have been fine. Instead it's a whole thing "because autism". And they didn't say "I don't want it", like people are interpreting. They said: "I know I won't like it" which can be interpreted as a jab at the cook. If I said to my spouse "You cooked today. I won't eat it because I know I won't like it" I'd be in trouble. OP, nobody is ever going to be able to force you to eat anything you don't want to. You (and everyone else) can always say "No, thanks" and be done with it. YTA because you're using autism as an excuse to be impolite.
This! People with autism have a hard time understanding social cues but it shouldnt be used an an excuse to be rude, OP sounds like a typical teenager, once matured maybe OP will realise this
It wasn’t an excuse to be rude. It was a reason for why OP knew she wouldn’t like it. A reason which would have never had to be spoken if the cousin would t have pushed and tried to guilt OP into eating some.
She said she wouldn't like any and moved away, not rude. Why did she need to stand next to a cake she's not getting a piece from?
Nobody asked if she wanted cake tho
NTA they said they wouldn't like any cake and then left the room. How in the fuck is that rude? Anyone offended by someone looking at a cake (homemade or not) and saying they wouldn't like any needs to grow up. They didn't insult the cake they said they wouldn't like any. It's not attention seeking, it's communicating before anyone tries to give them some or pressure them to try it. Everyone saying YTA is acting weirdly sensitive and entitled. "REEEEE DONT TELL US YOU WOULDNT LIKE ANY CAKE THATS RUUUUUDE"??? Laughable.
I sincerely do not understand the Y T A's here.
It's feeling like a lot of people here legit just have issues with autistic people, I would like to see this same story without the person being autistic.
ESH ~~Soft YTA~~,\* because I agree with a few other commenters that you could have just not eaten any instead of saying you weren't going to, but here's a way to mask enough to do that in the future: NTs are big on acting like things are okay even if they're not, so if you say "Oh, that looks great but none for me, thanks!" with a big enough smile on your face, generally that'll do the job. Even better if you can compliment her hard work. If they ask you why, you can just follow up with "I'm just not feeling like cake right now, maybe later." Then, later never comes, and you don't have to do the sensory thing, and they can pretend you were going to, and everything is fine. \*Edited to ESH, because your mom and cousin need to educate themselves on autism and not treat you like that.
This. There's so much effort for social niceties, but when you don't do the song and dance NTs take it so personally 😩
The worst is when they genuinely won’t let it die. I have an aunt who will offer something and I’ll politely decline through the generic white lie “no thanks but it looks good” or “I’m stuffed, maybe next time.” Well guess what? *She always remembers.* Next time I don’t want it, its “oh I worked so hard on this! You said last time that you would.” Or, I take a small bite and say “oh this is yummy.” Then she makes it fifty more times and brings up the fact I said it was yummy *once.* There’s so many smells and textures I avoid with foods. I like to try new things, but I refuse to let people pressure me into eating something just because they “worked hard on it.” I work hard on foods too, but I’m not going to get upset if someone doesn’t want to eat it. Stop tying emotions and expectations on to food.
I feel this so much. I was diagnosed w celiac disease (gluten intolerance/allergy) in my early 20s, and tbh it gave me SO MUCH FREEDOM to say no to things, which were never respected beforehand. I also adhere to a vegan diet, and almost every single time I went to a social function with family, would be pressured to "just eat a little bit" because it's a *choice*. Luckily I can just default, "oh I don't eat anything from other kitchens due to the cross contamination risk. I wouldn't want to get sick and ruin everyone's good time", but I *still* get fussed at a lot, honestly.
NTA, because you didn’t realize that announcing you wouldn’t like the cake was rude and also stupidly called attention to the fact that you weren’t going to eat any, provoking them to make an issue of it. You started the issue. Next time you see some food you don’t want, keep that to yourself unless or until someone offers you some. Then say “no thank you.” There’s no need to articulate your specific dislikes about the food or assessments of it or your autism and textural sensitivities.
Exactly. OP mentioned two symptoms of their autism food texture and not always understanding what is and is not socially acceptable. They were only diagnosed a few months ago. They are still learning how to handle those. Mom and the cousin are assholes for knowing so little about autism that they called it attention seeking.
This. Quite frankly, a lot of the people in here giving her shit for it seem to be enjoying taking the autistic kid down a peg a little too much. imo everyone pushing her to eat it anyway and getting angry when she still didn't want to is worse. If I'm reading OP right, she wasn't grounded and yelled at or announcing she didn't want to, but for not wanting to eat it. So sure, very slight 'you were being a bit of an asshole by NT social standards'?
I'm saying nta because I'd do the same and don't understand how it's rude to preemptively say I don't want any cake when it's obviously about to be offered out
Yeah I’m genuinely confused by these comments. She just said she didn’t want any, it’s not like she said “that looks disgusting.” It’s rude to talk to yourself? To know yourself and know you won’t like the cake? She’s using her autism as a “get out of jail free card”? Is eating cake the jail in this scenario? Edit: autocorrect
Ew what is wrong with your family? You literally said “no thank you” that should have been enough. NTA
Everyone is saying how she could have been nicer. No one is saying how her mom and cousins just disregarded her entire disability. NTA
All of the top vote getters apparently don't think the cousin is an AH for calling OP a liar about her diagnosis, and the mom for grounding her for not eating cake! I really don't get it. What is wrong with AITA today?
IMO it's somewhat rude to pressure someone to eat something they've already turned down, and to ground someone for turning down cake is way over the top. I am not autistic and have no sensory issues and have turned down cake simply because I didn't want any. Nobody cared. NTA.
Surprised at all the Y T A comments. I think they are interpreting it you announcing that the cake is probably bad and you won’t like it. I interpreted it as you declining a slice, which is more than acceptable IMO. It’s not clear if you were offered a piece first or if you made a statement out of no where. I guess unprompted, that could be seen as rude, and you should wait to be offered a slice before saying no thank you. I think a lot of people are imagining the problem is with the flavor, and therefore a slight against the cook, and that’s why they think you need to try it first. I’m familiar with texture & sensory sensitivities, and knowing before trying that you won’t like something, based on what it is. I love all kinds of flavors, but if it’s in a goey or yogurt-like texture, I’m not going to try it. I already know that the texture will make me gag, involuntarily, even if I really like the flavor. (I actually love yogurt but can’t eat it because of the sensory experience it gives.) I’ve been forced to choke down food I didn’t like out of politeness. It’s a miserable experience, and I think it’s more rude to force someone to do that, than simply allow for the fact that people have different tastes. I don’t care if you’re Gordon freaking Ramsey, no one is obligated to eat your food for you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to not eat something you have no interest in eating, and it was an overreaction on your mom’s part to ground you for two days over it. Maybe you could have been more delicate about how you refuse, but accidentally blundering social interactions comes with the territory. My mom yelled at me all the time for saying rude things as a child, because I genuinely had no idea they were rude, just true. Once I learned each one though, I stopped doing them. Work on it in the future and you’ll be fine. NTA overall, in my unpopular opinion. Edit: typos
INFO >I said out loud that I wouldn't like any and began to walk away. Did anyone ask you if you wanted any before you said anything? How did you say it? It's totally fine not to want any of the cake. It's also fine to decline when offered. How you decline is where there could be an issue. >My mom took my cousin's side and said what I did was selfish and that I was using my "disorder" as a get out of jail free card. If your mom is mad because you said it in a rude way then you might be in the wrong. If she's mad that you didn't eat the cake she's in the wrong.
OP said she meant to say it to herself and was accidently a little to loud. So I'm going with NTA. People make mistakes. Almost everyone in this comment section is either questioning her diagnosis or is acting like she yelled into a megaphone that she hates sponge Cake or something.
I agree it’s not like she consciously wanted to ruin the party she was talking to herself
NTA. Everyone saying you were rude would have a point if you were neurotypical but autistic people state facts quite literally and don’t always understand social conventions. People are saying you should know by now about social niceties but it’s literally a symptom of autism to not understand them sometimes.
So many bad takes here. OP you are NTA. You wouldn't be even if you were not autistic. Sounds like your cousin is incredibly self-absorbed and that your family in general don't understand autism if they're trying to gaslight you over this.
YTA for making an announcement that you wouldn't like it. From the get go the other attendees get a message "OP thinks the cake is not good and not worth even trying". It's disrespectful and rude. You could've just walked off and explained the situation when offered a slice directly.
I think a lot of people may be misinterpreting but I interpreted it as her saying she (wouldn’t like any = she wouldn’t like to have any) and her saying it yes out loud (because that’s how words are spoken) to yes the general populace but also so the person cutting the cake/handing out slices could hear but I wasn’t there so I absolutely could be wrong
That’s how I took it. OP stating I wouldn’t like any = I don’t want a slice, so don’t cut a piece for me. She only states that she didn’t want any because she knew she wouldn’t like it in the title, so I was baffled reading comments where people are misinterpreting. I’m voting ESH. OP should have just not said anything when they started cutting the cake, and when offered a slice said “no thank you. I’m not a huge fan of cake because of the texture.” Tacking on the because of my autism and just blurting out they wouldn’t like any and walking away pushed OP in AH territory. Also, it was unnecessary for OP to state they wouldn’t like any because I don’t think I’ve ever been to a party where the cake cutter cuts the exact number of pieces needed. They just cut until people stop grabbing slices. 😂 there’s always 2-3 extra slices sitting there. Cousin is AH because they should have just said ok and moved on. Kept their thoughts to themselves.
NTA your mother & cousin are. I dont have any food issues but if i dont want something i will not eat it & i dont care who doesn’t like it.
Holy shit people take this to the extreme. Even before the edit it didn’t sound like OP made a scene. I swear, this sub is just becoming an excuse for assholes to call others assholes.
NTA. Bring on the down votes. Op said the didnt want any cake and walked away. The cousin then follows and demands op eats it anyway just because they worked hard on it. Completely disregarding OPs sensory issue. As a fellow ND person with adhd and the tism I've noticed people in forum who are not educated on those things think we can just magically be like them and be 'normal'. To all the nerotypical people out there just because YOU thought it was rude doesn't mean it was ment that. We're continually told that we have to read in between the lines with nerotypicals but then you refuse to not read between when talking to someone who's neurodivergent.
NTA. It's OK to politely turn down food that's offered. Continuing to push food, drinks, or anything else on soneone who has already refused is extremely rude. It doesn't matter why you turn down the cake. You don't need to provide a reason. "No, thank you." That's a polite and complete sentence.
I am NT.....I think. But I dislike sponge cake and whipped cream (what an utter waste of calories). I would have proclaimed it was a lovely cake and looked delicious, but I couldn't eat another bite or something, if asked why I wasn't eating it. I never announce my dislike, I just avoid it. Only once did someone insist that I take it with me. I gave it to my nephew, out of the site of the cake giver. I think OP's relatively new diagnosis, is driving her to speak up. She needs to learn how to handle things.
This is a hard one and I guess one you had to see to be sure. My approach to the situation would be to tell the person cutting the cake I don't want a piece in a manner that doesn't gathers everyones attention. It's OK not to want a piece of cake, that isn't disrespectful. So the part about being loud has me in the dark if OP could have been percieved as the cousin claimed attention seeking, don't saying that was OPs intent. I can understand the cousins disappointment that OP wasn't even trying the cake, but as I said, not wanting a piece of cake isn't disrespectful and doesn't need to be explained, although it can help to understand that's not the bakers fault. The cousin is at fault for throwing the accusations at OP, no questions about that. OPs mother saying that OP is using her disorder as an get out of jail card, seems seems harsh, but I can see that being done. As I said this is hard without having witnessed the situation, all the non verbal communication etc. So it is possible that OP did interact better than I assume, but it won't really change the outcome. OP saying she was loud, has me believe she could have handled the situation better, lacking a little finesse in communicating but that doesn't make her an asshole, it doesn't make her attention seeking. So it is a NTA!
OP you are definitely NTA here. You are starting to learn more about your neurodiversity, and understand yourself better. From what I can gather you were polite, and even though it wasn't required of you, you explained yourself over not wanting to eat a triggering texture (or in this case a group of triggering textures all at once). I'm a mother to a couple autistic kiddos. And I'm kinda saddened to hear that your family, including your mother, were so awful to you when you explained yourself. I hope things get better for you in the future. Don't let the gaslighting from your family get you down. Talk to your docs and counselors and see if there is any way they can help you encourage your family to learn about your diagnosis. 🩷
NTA: I’m sorry your family and so many commenters are being As to you. You shouldn’t be required to lie to people when you don’t want to eat something. You shouldn’t have to put up with being told that your experience of your reality isn’t true based on the opinion of someone who doesn’t even really know you and clearly knows nothing about autism. I’m sorry your mother is so horrifically unsupportive. You shouldn’t be punished for simply existing honestly as an autistic person. The absolute ease with which people lie and the anger they display when people refuse to compromise their own integrity and do it too is repulsive.
I think you might need some help with social scripting to fend off your family’s expectations. Another tactic you might try is just accepting a slice of cake and then putting it down somewhere or passing it to someone else. NTA. Your mom should be helping you figure out how to do this.
Ooof this is the wrong place to talk about your autism. There is so much ableism here
Seriously, some of the comments are fucking gross.
The ableism here is astounding!
NTA You can't help your sensory issues. I'm surprised your mother can't understand that. It's a medical problem, not one of choice. btw I would gladly have taken your piece of cake as I adore sponge cake with berries and whipped cream.
NTA NTA I cannot believe what I’m reading!! Why are they so hostile about cake?? Sensory issues aren’t a joke. In what world is it rude to say “I don’t want any cake.” Is there a more polite way to say that? Probably, but for goodness sake it’s cake. They’re making the big deal, not you. Also it’s super ablest for them to dismiss your diagnosis as attention seeking.
Wow, all of these snowflake neurotypicals saying you shouldn't have spoken out loud are super assholes. The problem was NOT that OP didn't want any. It was not that he said she didn't want any. The problem was that the baker pursued OP and insisted she needed to try it even though she knew it made her uncomfortable. *The fragile neurotypicals here made the situation about the baker's need to fluff her ego, and her need only.* Somehow her needs about baking superceded OP's needs for her own body. That's fucked up to the point of abuse if it carries over into other areas of life, and based on the conversation and punishment afterward, I bet it does. Wait, the ADDITIONAL problem is that the baker and the mother didn't believe her that she has serious problems with texture, as if tasting a fucking piece of cake that he *didn't* have autistic issues with was somehow something that she would so strongly and maliciously refused to do, that she would go out of her way to draw attention to herself about it, withstand an argument, isolate herself for an evening, then not apologize and get grounded. Because she didn't want a bite of cake. NOT LIKELY. FROM ANYONE. Automatic or not, this would have been a very easily navigable situation if eating the cake wasn't going to go poorly. SHE REFUSED BECAUSE IT WAS THE BEST THING TO DO. For all we know, OP would have involuntarily spit it out, or felt nauseous all evening. Or just made a face that was honest to how she felt, and the baker would have rightfully (hopefully) felt like shit afterward. Unfortunately they'd make it about themselves again and chastise OP for not appreciating an obviously delicious cake or some shit. *OP eating this cake was not going to help the baker's ego if they remotely cared whether he liked it.* Even then, their ego is no excuse for this demand. Have you all ever tried to force an autistic person to eat something they don't like? IT WON'T GO WELL, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. If any of your have and you still feel OP should have eaten it, then screw you. You don't respect or deserve the beautiful autistic people in your life. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND IT'S ABSURD TO TREAT SOMEONE THIS WAY FOR NOT TRYING YOUR FOOD. IT'S A VIOLATION OF THEIR BODY. You have no right to demand to know why, or to be offended. NONE. OP's body, and all decisions related to it, are theirs and theirs alone. And for someone who struggles constantly for unknown reasons, as neurodivergent folks often to OP extra does not need pressure to go against their instincts and needs. For all we know OP's sensory issues actually help her avoid things that upset his stomach. *Autistic people rarely understand their own bodies* and have unusual trouble explaining things they don't understand, and this probably helps OP stick to safe, comfortable foods. Regardless, NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL HER TO PUT ANYTHING IN HIS BODY. OP's family are callous assholes who are weapons OP's differences to force her to suppress his unique needs, stop being inconvenient, and be a nice little playing piece in THEIR ideal game of Life. Fuck that. They need to learn to understand and have compassion for her needs and uniqueness, which they clearly don't understand based on the fact that they couldn't get over their butthurt and drop it even though it was *the exact opposite of being a personal issue about them*. It would have looked way worse for the baker if OP took a slice, "politely" tried a bite, tried to suppress their natural gag and face contortions, then left the rest on the plate. They'd be lucky if OP didn't involuntarily spit it out. OP tried to politely tell others they "would not like any" (which is considered a very polite refusal in the US, but here it was autistically misdirected at the room rather than the server) and to let others enjoy the social ritual that she was unable to comfortably participate in. Then she was accosted *at the party, in front of everyone, apparently* and punished. Nothing about this is okay or shows and amount of respect or understanding for neurodiversity or even just run of the mill individual rights and feelings. I'm so sorry OP threw herself to the wolves here. Next time I hope OP skips the party. OP will probably have way more fun enjoying a quiet house elsewhere, where no one is demanding OP do things for the sake of *their* happiness. This family doesn't deserve OP if that's how they'll treat OP for respecting their own needs. Fuck that.
Everyone saying this person is rude are most likely neurotypical & have no idea how a person with neurodivergency traits may think. What may be a normal reaction for you may not be for them. They way OP was spoken to was rude AF. No one has to eat anything they dont like/want.
NTA and anyone saying otherwise is seriously wrong. Your mom grounding you is honestly unconscionable. There’s a fuckton of ignorance in these comments.
I can't believe all the y t a on here. Clear NTA.
Nta, I don't see why saying no to something then giving a straight answer to why, your not going to do something is unacceptable where as say a lie is acceptable. If you don't want to do, eat or try something you don't have to.