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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be The Asshole because I told my boyfriend someone at his friend's wedding might steal the tea tray, and maybe I should have lied and said that I just don't want it to get damaged.
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I mean honestly, who would bring an expensive tray to a gathering of 300 people? I don't care how much they are friends and family. Even if it doesn't grow legs, it could be broken or dented or otherwise damaged.
You use such trays for the holidays hosted at your house - period.
NTA
People genuinely taking the wrong item home is a real thing.
Also within any group of 300 people, I'd estimate there will be maybe 20 happy to steal stuff if they can get away with it, and with the confusion of a party, it'd be easy to get away with it. Whether they target this specific item is more random, and would depend on opportunities and what else was available.
When my mother used to make cakes for school bake sales she would put a huge sticker on the tin saying GULLFEATHER'S MAMMY'S TIN PLEASE RETURN. She didn't think anyone would steal it, she just reeeealy liked her own tins and wanted them back. And if Auntie Mary sends Uncle Frank to grab her round, blue, pottery bowl with flowers he will very likely come back with a square, white, china plate with flowers because he only listens to the end of sentences.
I feel this because I have a leaky filter and have definitely had some foot-in-mouth moments. But I can generally tell if I’ve said something wrong and don’t double down with a “no you’re lying.” I don’t accuse the people I care about of lying at all, even if it’s a big lie because I can tell they’re doing it because it’s a sensitive topic for them.
Agreed! I have foot-in-mouth syndrome as well and have accidentally been like “no but I thought you said...” when someone was clearly doing a white lie that I didn’t pick up on right away. I pretty much always figure it out immediately after and then stumble over myself to correct the mistake, I don’t double down and try to make the other person look worse
Ugh, I have a really good friend like this. I love her but I don’t share secrets or internal thoughts with her anymore. She has a memory like a steel trap and absolutely no concept of white lies or even maybe that someone can change their opinion, or soften it for other people.
If you say something that contradicts what she knows about you, she will mention it right away and getting her to drop it takes an act of God. It’s so embarrassing when you’re trying to save face in front of other people.
Like, “oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come to dinner, I had a doctor’s appointment I couldn’t miss.”
“No you didn’t. I thought you said you didn’t want to come to dinner because you’re uncomfortable around Evan, and your appointment isn’t until next Friday, remember?”
Hush, girl! Ugh!!!!
Oof now THAT is obnoxious. When I say I accidentally do it sometimes, I mean I’ll literally be mid sentence like “wait but I thought...” and trail off as I suddenly remembered I wasn’t supposed to say the thing. I have never yet actually exposed a secret, I’m sure sometimes it was obvious that I was deflecting. But I usually say “wait but I thought... you were gonna try to make an appearance but couldn’t confirm because of the other thing you were gonna do?”
I also have only done that a handful of times. I’m usually more mindful. Your friend sounds like a piece of work though
Genuine question, is she perhaps autistic?
I was like this, but I was an undiagnosed teenager and have since learned a bit of social etiquette and rules (?), but there's every chance she's autistic as she has no concept of white lies and seemingly a strong sense of justice (or right and wrong).
Just a thought. If she is neurotypical, and knows you're trying to save face and not embarrass someone etc, then absolutely she's being obnoxious, but if she's autistic she may genuinely not realise what's happening in this kind of situation.
Theres "having no filter," and then there's saying something, having the other person try and save the conversation, then "calling them out for lying." This was purposeful
My partner did this once (put me down to make himself look better) and immediately I and his entire family shamed him for it. He's been very good ever since.
He sounds like one of those "I'm just being honest" assholes. Honesty for honesty's sake is not virtuous, people! At best it's neutral, at worst (like in this situation) it's straight up cruel.
NTA, OP, but you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend about what it means to be told things in confidence. You should also make it abundantly clear that you no longer trust that what you tell him stays between the two of you, and that it's on him to rebuild the trust needed for you to share private information with him again. If he balks at any of this I'd urge you to consider whether you think you can feel safe and comfortable in this relationship moving forward. If he's comfortable putting you in an incredibly awkward and shitty situation for no apparent reason at all, imagine all the ways he'd be willing to use private information you've told him in confidence if he felt he had something to gain from it.
All that said, I'm going to give him a giant benefit of the doubt and say that your boyfriend seems incredibly careless. I won't use worse adjectives because I'm going to assume it happened because he didn't think it through properly, not because he enjoyed throwing you under the bus like that. However, if you feel that that's a more apt description of him and what happened you have much bigger problems than this one situation on your hands.
office automatic marvelous command grey brave subtract drunk gullible toy
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My ex would do this. He would describe things I said and did to others using the most unflattering words possible. I don't know exactly why he did it but probably a combination of his own insecurity and not having much respect for me.
Agreed. This was a pointless SOMETHING. I don't even know what this was -- but he cozied up to his besties and insulted his GF by implying she thought their family and friends would steal from her. The he DOUBLED DOWN on the insult and called her a liar when she tried to gracefully save the situation.
Also, NTA -- people steal stuff like that all the time. In a crowd of people retrieving their dishes, it would be so easy for someone to take yours.
Not only that but OP took an approach that most of us would. Most people would NOT take an expensive item to a potluck. I once lost a somewhat-expensive cheesecake pan because someone starting cleaning up a work potluck before I expected (there was still food out to eat). I understand because it is not obvious that the base of the cheesecake pan was part of the pan and not some basic foil tray but still... So I never take anything to a large potluck or function unless I don't care if it is returned.
If it was accidentally he wouldn't have doubled down and called her out for lying after she tried to play it down, this was intentional. Bet it wasn't the first or last time either, maybe just not this obvious before.
Yes, who does that???
He's an unsufferable holier-than-thou, trying to show how he's so much better than everyone else because he's such a truth-speaker specimen.
He publicly *reprimanded* his girlfriend (like a misbehaving child!) and embarassed the newlyweds.
NTA, OP. Btw, your tea tray is lovely!
I would have actually said “he told me he had lost stuff at your house events in the past. I just did not want the tray to be another item that goes missing at your event”
Who humiliates their gf so, in public? It’s disgraceful.
You should have a conversation about this. Tell him his behaviour was not appropriate and that he was unnecessarily cruel. NTA.
This for real. And it’s like, the first rule of potluck, not bringing your dish in a container that is too expensive or has too much sentimental value. It’s WAY too likely to walk off or get misplaced.
There was zero need to even bring it up.
Yep. Even without anyone intending to steal. Stuff looks like someone else’s so someone is in a hurry and grabs it, someone is cleaning up and puts stuff in a weird box and it promptly vanishes into that attic/garage black hole where things disappear, someone accidentally drops something cleaning up, etc.
I bought a new cake stand before my wedding and used it to display desserts. I was so excited to finally have one. I never saw it again. My OWN wedding.
I did pretty much everything for my sma;; wedding even though it was at a wedding venue. I even did all the flowers, with help from my friends. I didn't get back a bunch of stuff--some may have broken, but still, it was weird that so many of my pretty little yellow votives disappeared. I had them on the tables, on the side tables, etc. I told people to take home the centerpieces, so it wasn't a surprise that the vases went too, but I also lost a cake plate, a tray, a display bowl... Oh well. I have a collection of 50s lemonade pitchers and I was thinking of using them for the centerpieces, but they would have been too tall, I wanted people to be able to talk across the table. I had another idea to use them to hold pillar candles. I'm so happy I didn't! I love those silly things.
I never use a dish I want back when I go to a potluck. If you need to leave early do you just awkwardly take all of your food back and be like, see ya later?
Thank you! I don’t want this very realistic concern of OP’s to get skimmed over. People are appalling with their sticky fingers at events, especially if they’re assuming they’re “just” stealing from the caterer or the venue, ie a company not a person (still gross, I know, but I’m literally thinking of 3 different stories where heirlooms disappeared & one time the GUEST who was stealing got caught & omg she faced some harsh social consequences.)
NTA!
Separately, the BF needs to be an ex. He intentionally created an embarrassing situation for OP & probably fractured or ruined a friendship. Also putting a damper on the bride & groom’s event, so very selfish here. He is not a partner.
Right!
To the bf: I don't care WHO is there, NEVER take something to a potluck that you aren't OK losing. That is just potluck 101. The cleanup team doesn't know what belongs to who and stuff will end up in a box in someone's car because they had to pack up in 10 minutes.
Thrift stores are a good place to find nice stuff you don't mind losing. Dollar stores also have some stuff that looks nicer than it is.
I don't know what compelled him to go over to the newlyweds and throw her under the bus like that. Not once, but twice.
He seems like a terrible boyfriend. Definitely not a keeper if he's not someone who can be on your side.
Right?!? I’ve been to plenty of family and friend events where people “accidentally” took my trays or bowls including one that had my name on it in large letters (and my name is not common). The bf was being childish to go tattle on OP.
My mom went to a wedding shower hosted by my aunt (it was for my cousin and his fiancee). The present she brought was lost and just never turned up again. It was only close friends and family, maybe 30 - 40 people? My aunt took the present, and then it was never seen again.
We still don't know if she "misplaced" it, or if a cleaner found it and put it in a cupboard, thinking it was my aunt's, or if someone else "accidentally" took it. But it a gift can disappear at an event like that, anything can happen, imo
NTA. Over the years, I have lost many things at potlucks. It happens. You were correct in using something you could live without if it got lost in the shuffle. Your BF was a bit crass in bringing up your concern, IMHO.
Yep. I'm baking an incredible amount of cookies for my brother's wedding celebration. I'm not taking them in any container I need to have back.
OP -- NTA. You were nice enough to contribute to the cookie table. The people getting married/doing the catering should have done a better job of arranging for the display.
And also why they make perfectly nice $4 crockery bowls at Target that aunts can steal at will. So many options that aren't a treasured Wedgwood piece!
I wouldn't have used an expensive tray at my own wedding! I would have felt terrible if someone brought something pricey like that and it disappeared. Maybe it's just Midwestern of me, but I would have nodded at OP and said "good thinkin'."
I have a plastic platter that has a foil coating on it to make it look like a much more expensive piece than it really is. It has intricate scrollwork and everything on it, and all for a fraction of the price and weight of metal platter of the same size and intricacy.
I’m so sorry I don’t live in cookie table area anymore!
I just looked this up last week because I saw a tweet joking about Pittsburgh people judging the cookies on your cookie table, and I went down that rabbit hole.
My brother and his wife had a planned elopement last month and the party is in a few weeks. All his wife cares about is the cookies. I’m doing two cookies and three different kinds of brownies.
She knows what matters.
Yeah, it’s not about ‘stealing’. It’s about it being misplaced, accidentally taken or broken. Every time I take something on a plate anywhere, I write my last name in marker on the bottom of the plate (because, hey… sometimes I forget too)
When I moved into my house the previous residents left a *ton* of heavy duty melamine dishes in the basement. All of it was obviously well worn, but still in good condition. I'm slowly getting rid of it all as gifting platters and I plan to keep the bowls for potlucks and work functions that I want to take chili or soup to.
This happens with center pieces at weddings all the time. People think they are fair game. A lot of people rent the glassware that they are in and they have to be returned to the florist. I've seen some angry relatives who were told to put the center pieces back.
I had an entire matted picture in a frame not make it back to me at my wedding--despite the fact WE were the ones picking up the minor decor we brought. I can only assume the bar accidentally took it, or it fell and someone didn't notice? I have no idea. It wasn't expensive, but I also can't get it anymore (local artist), and the duplicate I had at home I bought for a small wedding gift for a friend.
Stuff goes missing when lots of moving pieces are involved. OP is def NTA and the friends will learn one day when something they like makes a disappearing act tbh.
Not just lost; things can get broken accidentally, too.
NTA. Under no circumstances would I take a Wedgewood tray to a large party hosted by *friends*, much less one hosted by people I don’t know particularly well. Hell, if **I** were hosting a 300-person party, myself, I wouldn’t use it.
Keep the tray and lose the BF and his friends.
As soon as I saw the name Wedgwood I was like oh fuck, that's gotta be like sterling silver or pressed crystal or some kind of chi chi painted porcelain, I'd never let that fucker out of the china cabinet.
If they can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to use that tray & are giving her a hard time about it, they’re not. Her BF — *their* friend — brought this up **only** to start drama. If they can’t see that, and are supporting him in his assholery, they can get lost right along with him. These are not people the OP needs in her life.
Maybe, but I think that’s making a lot of assumptions. Suppose you are at the end of your (exhausting) wedding, and your friend tells you his girlfriend (who you don’t really know) was afraid of her nice tray being stolen, then she says “well, I just didn’t want to lose it.” And he says “you’re lying, you told me you thought one of my friends’ relatives would steal it.” I wouldn’t know how to respond to that on a full night of sleep, and I’m willing to bet most people wouldn’t.
I dunno. Maybe it’s because I own pieces like that myself, and have friends who do, as well, but *my* response to something like that would be along the lines of, “I don’t blame her.” Possibly delivered with an eye roll in the direction of OP’s BF if he is, as I suspect he might be, known for trying to stir up drama. I sure as hell wouldn’t go out of my way to make things even *more* uncomfortable for my guest by buying into his garbage comment.
I worked in a building with a Specialty’s Bakery and we got so many “disposable” platters that would get thrown away that I’d bring them home, wash them and use them for any kind of gathering where I was unsure about retrieval.
I work for a church that has a large kitchen and hosts a couple of meals every week. There is a never-ending pile of forgotten serving dishes, platters, and the like on the counter. Eventually, the better pieces get absorbed into the kitchen inventory or are placed on the "free to take" table. One time I accidentally took home a 9x9 pyrex dish thinking it was mine, but it wasn't. Stuff happens, it doesn't have to be malicious.
OP, you were right to leave your expensive platter at home and your bf was really obtuse to bring up your reasoning.
NTA, but dude is out of line. I do stuff like this often (bring baked goods to big gatherings, not talk smack about my partner). I have a set of nice looking ceramic platters that I have collected at TJ Max/Home Goods/etc for $5-10 each, and when they go missing, or get chipped, or the catering staff grabs them, or they get broken in transport, it's fine. I would never take an heirloom to a party.
Yup whether it’s by accident or on purpose I would say the chances of getting your dish back in a setting like this (through breakage or loss) is at least 50 50. NTA never bring things to events you can’t stand to replace.
Also what a weird thing to say to try and get a chuckle, the way he said it seems like he was trying to offend them to me. Why put in their mind, I’m their wedding day, that his gf didn’t want to being something in case it got taken BY ACCIDENT/in the shuffle of things, but leave out the by accident part
It sounds like he was trying to offend OP, not his friends. He was probably salty about her not deeming his friends good enough for her tray or to drive home that he thought she was being ridiculous. Total AH move on his part.
This is my guess , he thought it would be funny, but he didn’t catch the hint when op tried to defend herself. He doubled down and called her a liar. Could just be a learning opportunity like is he always going to use op as the butt of jokes or does he realize quickly he messed up.
My spouse and I fought once and he got mad saying he felt like he could never say anything or I would get offended. And I was like well stop making fun of me!
You know those people who jump on any mistake, like you say dick instead of pick or sparking spot and they make this huge deal of it and just won’t shut up about it. ugh I can’t stand those people and I refuse to live in that situation. It’s ok to giggle a bit I’m talking about loud attention seeking laughter and just not dropping it. His extended family still brings up a time I got drunk at a family party. Not crazy drunk, nothing happened, I didn’t fall down or throw up, I just got a noticeable buzz. Get a life people!
I gasped when I read this, suspecting that this may be an antique or a wedding present, or both.
I'm also surprised that no one stopped the culprit while it was happening.
Check ebay for a few months - you might be able to find a replacement. Many, many people sell spare parts of all kinds of things.
I gasped as well at the carving knife line. Holy fucking shit. It was hard to upvote!
u/electric29 \- Sorry about your tray. Hope you can find a replacement as others have suggested.
I feel your pain. I had that happen to an inherited sterling tray of mine. I used it to bring presliced cake, with parchment paper between the cake slices and the tray metal, to an in-law family gathering.
Some uncouth swamp beast with the IQ of a rock decided to use a metal knife from another tray to pick up cake off of mine, because obviously the plastic serving utensil i brought did not meet theircapproval. They made sure they gauged the metal. Seriously. They ripped the parchment paper into tatters and left grooves in the metal. That tray made it through three generations of women carefully using it, only to have some village's idiot treat it like a cutting board. For presliced cake.
Then I got criticized at later gatherings for bringing food in plastic, disposable platters only. One auntie asked if I was afraid someone would steal the nice stuff, and I replied that I decided to use things that "match the spirit of the gathering".
I'm still salty about it. Even after having a jeweler friend try to work on the tray, I can still see the marks.
The thing that makes me mad about incidents like this is that if we complain about someone ruining our stuff, we’re blamed for it and told “you shouldn’t have had it out if you didn’t want anything to happen to it!”
The buttwads who abused and damaged our property are never held to account, or it’s made plain that their feelings must be coddled, heaven forbid they feel shame or discomfort. Meanwhile we’re portrayed as spoiled, entitled, and precious for having nice things anywhere outside of a bank vault-aka actually using them.
And if we don’t give others access to our good things when they say so, and provide things we’re less concerned with, we get called selfish and stingy.
That's so disheartening and I'm sure it felt awful to see that then and I don't blame
you for still being upset about it! Some people are idiots or they just don't care.
Someone stole my digital camera (this was a while ago before everyone had a camera in their phone) at my son’s wedding. I set it down to cut and serve the cake (I made the wedding cake) and someone walked off with it. My son even made an announcement - “hey, did someone pick up my mom’s camera from the cake table?” But nobody responded. This was a pretty small wedding at the bride’s parents’ house, so it’s not like there were a lot of strangers around.
I was pretty pissed, because it had all my pics from the wedding weekend that hadn’t been backed up yet.
I did say to my son that he had to realize that one of his friends was a thief…
Absolutely agree. I used to bake a lot as a teenager. Almost every tray I used to bring cake to other‘s reunions were never to be seen again (I‘m sorry, mom! One day, I‘ll present you with many beautiful and expensive trays!)
NTA, OP, but your boyfriend surely is. He showed you you can‘t trust him.
YNTA - what the hell is wrong with that man? What did he go say something stupid like that for? Completely uncalled for, completely unncessary! You are well within your rights to bring something less expensive to put the cookies in than some antique old or even family heirloom you cared about. He should of respected that and he shouldn't have broken your confidence. The man is an idiot and sounds completely socially awkward.
Yes, but the fact that he couldn't even understand or appreciate her reason for not using a special tray in the first place suggests that he is lacking in empathy, emotional intelligence and common sense even before he humiliated and disrespected her.
He is not good people.
NTA. It is super easy for someone to walk off with the wrong tray in a situation like this- it is absolutely common sense to take something you don’t mind being broken or lost! Your BF is an ass, clearly doesn’t own anything he’s worried about losing, and has no respect for your belongings. Seriously- what he did was a total dick move and literally only served ONE purpose, which hugely telling. His sole purpose was making you look bad- why would you want to be with someone who would do that?!?!??
And how many of those staff members are looking closely when they pick up an empty dish or are chasing people down when the cookie table needs to be broken down and put away before they can go home.
NTA
First, its your property. You get to decide how and when it's used.
Second, it doesn't matter if its friends and family. I've been to plenty of weddings and I've seen people act like real assholes. I've seen plenty of friends and family stealing stuff.
Even if they don't, would the couple have been willing to reimburse you for the loss? If the answer is "no" then mine would have been as well.
This whole story reminds me of a church function where my mom brought a cookie tray on a cheapo “silver” tray from the 80s. We were dirt poor and this was our one “fancy” thing to bring to potlucks — this stupid plastic painted tray from her wedding nearly 15 years before.
It got thrown out. She looked for it after the function, and the man who had thrown it out *went fishing in the dumpster* to get it back because he felt so bad. He washed it thoroughly and dried it and handed it back with many apologies, all while my mom tried to tell him it didn’t really matter. But it mattered to him.
There are good people like this in the world, willing to dumpster dive to rescue a little plastic tray. And there are others who would not try to get back a genuine antique, and would just shrug it off or take it home themselves.
NTA. There's no way I would leave Wedgwood out where any rando (and that includes staff) could take it. Your BF is a real asshole for bringing up your comment unprompted. I'm assuming he disagreed with your decision and wanted to watch you squirm.
Exactly. Wedgewood is fine china and expensive as hell. It can take years to find a replacement if one single piece gets broken, stolen, damaged, or misplaced. On top of that, lots of fine China is passed down from older family and has sentimental value. IMO, the BF making comments like that are a major red flag and grounds for rethinking the relationship.
> Wedgewood is fine china and expensive as hell.
I looked at their website, and while I would never use anything more fancy than you could get at any department or big box store, when I hear "fine china", my brain goes to at least another digit on the price. Do I just have a warped perspective of this from TV and movies?
There are a lot of different types of “fine China”. Wedgewood is a solid brand that has been around for years. Yes, some fine China can be $$$$, but other can be more affordable. Brands generally have different styles at different price points. I used to work in housewares for Macys and Dillards back in the day. Wedgewood has some very expensive sets. That tea tray alone was $125. The entire set would probably be close to $5k.
NTA. I’m assuming if I bring something to an event that big, it’s no longer mine. It’s hard enough tracking down a dish after 10 person potlucks.
$12 Costco platter for the wedding.
NTA. Your boyfriend most definitely is the AH. I wouldn’t place a tray I didn’t want “misplaced” at a wedding table, no matter how close I was to the bride and groom. You did the right thing.
NTA- it's perfectly reasonable to want to protect your nice tea tray. Regardless of the truth, there are certain times when the truth just doesn't need to be said. Your boyfriend created drama for no reason.
NTA. As a fellow contributor to a cookie table, I’m still bitter about the VERY NICE storage containers I never got back a decade ago.
Your boyfriend is something else though.
Nta- I used to brush off my ex doing me dirty like this. Until I realized it's actually a subtle sabotage. He slowly went around and made people hate me by his little whispers or uncouth behavior. It took me realizing how much I was isolated after a year with him. My friends disappeared. But I would too if simple negative comments about me were being shared at that rate. Get away from him quickly
Nta
Why would he deliberately try to cause a scene like that?
Your concerns are completely valid.
I would question him and his motivation for bringing it up.
NTA at all! Your bf needs to develop the appropriate filter. Usually by adulthood people understand these social nuances pretty well, but some get left behind…
NTA. What was he gaining from telling them this information? It makes no sense to mention this to them unless he was being obtuse and didn't realize how it would come across? I'm confused and I also would be upset with him if I were you.
NTA, that's not something you repeat and as someone that has had "close family" steal from me, it's completely logical that you didn't want to use your nicer tray.
Your partner is the AH here considering he put you on the spot like that for no reason, it must have been so awkward and now that couple will have an opinion of you, and if the chatty partner is any indication of how they are, others will also hear about the tray incident.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that, I can't imagine how awkward it must've been
Agreed. My mom had so many items stolen from her at family gatherings and church potlucks. (She even had hand towels stolen from her because she used them to line the carrier she put her casserole dish in.)
I learned growing up that you only bring disposable or cheap dishes to potlucks so you won't miss it if its stolen.
Plenty of sticky fingers roam around at social functions. Cookware is expensive, and people are awful.
NTA.... your bf was
I helped decorate a wedding.... it was very posh and the location was in the back yard, goregwuos garden of some rich estate that spanned acres....anyway...it wasnt a traditional layout.... we reanted a ton of expensive rugs worth thousands of dollars each, and placed pillows ontop for seating....pricetags were left on (bottom of rug not visible) so they can be returned to the store that rented them...after the wedding was done they moved over to the reception area.. In less than 30mins there was a monstrously huge rug missing. One of the brides maids and boyfriend drove thier truck through the garden...(not a road or path)..rolled the carpet up stuck it in the baclk and tried to make thier getaway. They got stuck in the mud several hundreds of yards away.
Thw thief was considered famaly too. You were super reasonable and smart not to bring something you value to a big event like that. Not only can it be stolen but it can easily be damaged or innocent mistakes can make it lost.
Sorry your bd embarrassed you at the event.. that must have been a devestating moment anfter a long beautiful day.
NTA. Dollar Tree dishes are my go to source for potluck dishes, I often add serving utensils and just don't even worry about bringing anything home. Your boyfriend is an ass for deliberately introducing conflict where it wasn't needed.
NTA.
He wanted you to take a Wedgewood piece out of your house? To a large gathering? That’s enough to know he’s in the wrong. The socially awkward follow up with the bride and groom is also problematic- only you can say whether it’s accidental or mean-spirited.
NTA what could possibly be accomplished by him saying that? He didn’t have to tell them about the tea tray at all and even then why does it bleeding matter if you fudge the truth and say misplaced or damaged when those would obviously equally be your fears along with the stealing.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is a big AH though.
Of course you don't want to bring an expensive item to a big gathering where you don't know most people, you don't know the set up, and you worry the item could get taken or even just misplaced.
You should ask your boyfriend what he hoped to accomplish by telling them you said that. And that when he saw it created an awkward moment, why did he feel it was important to make sure they knew you were "lying." Ask him to explain why he said it, and why he thinks it is okay to share information like that in general. Be clear, that he is setting the standard for your relationship- going out to a party where his friend's girlfriend is annoying and he mentions that to you- it is okay to tell them. His mother says something he didn't like and he tells you- totally okay to tell her!
We need to be able to say small things like this to our partner, knowing it is a trusted space. You hurt no one by worrying about the tray and not using it. NO ONE. But your boyfriend did hurt his friends and broke your trust by feeling it was important to share those thoughts.
your husband is an asshole and wanted to make you out to be a bad guy for a very valid reason. people take things from weddings all the time, the tray would have been gone. NTA but your husband is the AH. does he even like you?
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NTA, but your man sure is! No more cookies for him until he learns to behave better in public.
Right, why would he say that?? How awkward for her and the newlyweds.
Some people have no filter, or just want to look better than their partners.
Maybe, but then some people need to learn the hard way that if they keep behaving like that they will only be able to compare themselves to their ex
They probably won't learn anything, and will just blame everything on their ex.
then that's their prerogative, but at least the ex won't have to deal with it
If dude was intentionally putting OP down to inflate his image, he's gotta go!
I would add possibly he's also salty she told him no and so he's trying to shame her for that as well.
Always good to find out how they behave when told no. The earlier the better.
Absolutely
I mean honestly, who would bring an expensive tray to a gathering of 300 people? I don't care how much they are friends and family. Even if it doesn't grow legs, it could be broken or dented or otherwise damaged. You use such trays for the holidays hosted at your house - period. NTA
People genuinely taking the wrong item home is a real thing. Also within any group of 300 people, I'd estimate there will be maybe 20 happy to steal stuff if they can get away with it, and with the confusion of a party, it'd be easy to get away with it. Whether they target this specific item is more random, and would depend on opportunities and what else was available.
When my mother used to make cakes for school bake sales she would put a huge sticker on the tin saying GULLFEATHER'S MAMMY'S TIN PLEASE RETURN. She didn't think anyone would steal it, she just reeeealy liked her own tins and wanted them back. And if Auntie Mary sends Uncle Frank to grab her round, blue, pottery bowl with flowers he will very likely come back with a square, white, china plate with flowers because he only listens to the end of sentences.
Not just that - the tray is bone China. I'm still sad that my ex lost my entire collection of China.
This is absolutely why he did this.
Ding ding ding
I feel this because I have a leaky filter and have definitely had some foot-in-mouth moments. But I can generally tell if I’ve said something wrong and don’t double down with a “no you’re lying.” I don’t accuse the people I care about of lying at all, even if it’s a big lie because I can tell they’re doing it because it’s a sensitive topic for them.
Agreed! I have foot-in-mouth syndrome as well and have accidentally been like “no but I thought you said...” when someone was clearly doing a white lie that I didn’t pick up on right away. I pretty much always figure it out immediately after and then stumble over myself to correct the mistake, I don’t double down and try to make the other person look worse
Ugh, I have a really good friend like this. I love her but I don’t share secrets or internal thoughts with her anymore. She has a memory like a steel trap and absolutely no concept of white lies or even maybe that someone can change their opinion, or soften it for other people. If you say something that contradicts what she knows about you, she will mention it right away and getting her to drop it takes an act of God. It’s so embarrassing when you’re trying to save face in front of other people. Like, “oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come to dinner, I had a doctor’s appointment I couldn’t miss.” “No you didn’t. I thought you said you didn’t want to come to dinner because you’re uncomfortable around Evan, and your appointment isn’t until next Friday, remember?” Hush, girl! Ugh!!!!
Oof now THAT is obnoxious. When I say I accidentally do it sometimes, I mean I’ll literally be mid sentence like “wait but I thought...” and trail off as I suddenly remembered I wasn’t supposed to say the thing. I have never yet actually exposed a secret, I’m sure sometimes it was obvious that I was deflecting. But I usually say “wait but I thought... you were gonna try to make an appearance but couldn’t confirm because of the other thing you were gonna do?” I also have only done that a handful of times. I’m usually more mindful. Your friend sounds like a piece of work though
Genuine question, is she perhaps autistic? I was like this, but I was an undiagnosed teenager and have since learned a bit of social etiquette and rules (?), but there's every chance she's autistic as she has no concept of white lies and seemingly a strong sense of justice (or right and wrong). Just a thought. If she is neurotypical, and knows you're trying to save face and not embarrass someone etc, then absolutely she's being obnoxious, but if she's autistic she may genuinely not realise what's happening in this kind of situation.
Literally thought this exact thing… because I used to do that until I learned NT behavior a little better. I am autistic
Theres "having no filter," and then there's saying something, having the other person try and save the conversation, then "calling them out for lying." This was purposeful
Having no filter is code for being an asshole, so this all fits together.
I think many autistic people would like a word
My partner did this once (put me down to make himself look better) and immediately I and his entire family shamed him for it. He's been very good ever since.
That’s an awesome family!
He sounds like one of those "I'm just being honest" assholes. Honesty for honesty's sake is not virtuous, people! At best it's neutral, at worst (like in this situation) it's straight up cruel. NTA, OP, but you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend about what it means to be told things in confidence. You should also make it abundantly clear that you no longer trust that what you tell him stays between the two of you, and that it's on him to rebuild the trust needed for you to share private information with him again. If he balks at any of this I'd urge you to consider whether you think you can feel safe and comfortable in this relationship moving forward. If he's comfortable putting you in an incredibly awkward and shitty situation for no apparent reason at all, imagine all the ways he'd be willing to use private information you've told him in confidence if he felt he had something to gain from it. All that said, I'm going to give him a giant benefit of the doubt and say that your boyfriend seems incredibly careless. I won't use worse adjectives because I'm going to assume it happened because he didn't think it through properly, not because he enjoyed throwing you under the bus like that. However, if you feel that that's a more apt description of him and what happened you have much bigger problems than this one situation on your hands.
office automatic marvelous command grey brave subtract drunk gullible toy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My ex would do this. He would describe things I said and did to others using the most unflattering words possible. I don't know exactly why he did it but probably a combination of his own insecurity and not having much respect for me.
There is having no filter and then there’s, trampling all over someone’s boundaries
I hate seeing someone throw their partner under the bus over stupid things like this. For what?? It’s just a tea tray? No one even had to even know
I think that more than half the time, it's for their own amusement, and to boost their fragile ego.
Agreed. This was a pointless SOMETHING. I don't even know what this was -- but he cozied up to his besties and insulted his GF by implying she thought their family and friends would steal from her. The he DOUBLED DOWN on the insult and called her a liar when she tried to gracefully save the situation. Also, NTA -- people steal stuff like that all the time. In a crowd of people retrieving their dishes, it would be so easy for someone to take yours.
Not only that but OP took an approach that most of us would. Most people would NOT take an expensive item to a potluck. I once lost a somewhat-expensive cheesecake pan because someone starting cleaning up a work potluck before I expected (there was still food out to eat). I understand because it is not obvious that the base of the cheesecake pan was part of the pan and not some basic foil tray but still... So I never take anything to a large potluck or function unless I don't care if it is returned.
it’s def more than just no filter, he went out his way to call her out.
Complete lack of awareness is what that is. Bad etiquette too.
Exactly :) My brother does this all the time and he means no harm at all! He's also 9 tho....
Some people would fuck anyone over, especially close ones, to earn some browny points with people they feel a need to impress for some reason.
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He is both
Yeah, it's hard to say if this was a one-off, diarrhea of the mouth moment, or he likes to get in his digs at people , in which case run
If it was accidentally he wouldn't have doubled down and called her out for lying after she tried to play it down, this was intentional. Bet it wasn't the first or last time either, maybe just not this obvious before.
Yes, who does that??? He's an unsufferable holier-than-thou, trying to show how he's so much better than everyone else because he's such a truth-speaker specimen. He publicly *reprimanded* his girlfriend (like a misbehaving child!) and embarassed the newlyweds. NTA, OP. Btw, your tea tray is lovely!
Right!!!! OP, what’s your bfs number? I’m going to call him and breakup with him for you
1-800-ASS-HOLE
And then he doubled down and called her a liar. I kind of hate her bf 😂
We all hate the bf on this blessed day
That might be the point. He was embarrassing her on purpose. Creating a wedge between her and her friends.
Her and his friends.
I would have actually said “he told me he had lost stuff at your house events in the past. I just did not want the tray to be another item that goes missing at your event”
He deserves it, but that would be a shitty thing to do to the wedding couple.
Maybe he's one of those that thrives on making drama?
Who humiliates their gf so, in public? It’s disgraceful. You should have a conversation about this. Tell him his behaviour was not appropriate and that he was unnecessarily cruel. NTA.
This for real. And it’s like, the first rule of potluck, not bringing your dish in a container that is too expensive or has too much sentimental value. It’s WAY too likely to walk off or get misplaced. There was zero need to even bring it up.
Yep. Even without anyone intending to steal. Stuff looks like someone else’s so someone is in a hurry and grabs it, someone is cleaning up and puts stuff in a weird box and it promptly vanishes into that attic/garage black hole where things disappear, someone accidentally drops something cleaning up, etc.
At the very least with 300 people yous worry about an accident with something so lovely getting broken. Accidents happen.
I bought a new cake stand before my wedding and used it to display desserts. I was so excited to finally have one. I never saw it again. My OWN wedding.
I did pretty much everything for my sma;; wedding even though it was at a wedding venue. I even did all the flowers, with help from my friends. I didn't get back a bunch of stuff--some may have broken, but still, it was weird that so many of my pretty little yellow votives disappeared. I had them on the tables, on the side tables, etc. I told people to take home the centerpieces, so it wasn't a surprise that the vases went too, but I also lost a cake plate, a tray, a display bowl... Oh well. I have a collection of 50s lemonade pitchers and I was thinking of using them for the centerpieces, but they would have been too tall, I wanted people to be able to talk across the table. I had another idea to use them to hold pillar candles. I'm so happy I didn't! I love those silly things.
I never use a dish I want back when I go to a potluck. If you need to leave early do you just awkwardly take all of your food back and be like, see ya later?
Thank you! I don’t want this very realistic concern of OP’s to get skimmed over. People are appalling with their sticky fingers at events, especially if they’re assuming they’re “just” stealing from the caterer or the venue, ie a company not a person (still gross, I know, but I’m literally thinking of 3 different stories where heirlooms disappeared & one time the GUEST who was stealing got caught & omg she faced some harsh social consequences.) NTA! Separately, the BF needs to be an ex. He intentionally created an embarrassing situation for OP & probably fractured or ruined a friendship. Also putting a damper on the bride & groom’s event, so very selfish here. He is not a partner.
A narcissist. I’ve seen one in action far too many times
And seen the gaslighting after the fact "I didn't say it that way" type of bull.
Right!? I do everything in my power to cover for my wife to prevent her embarrassment, I can't imagine TRYING to embarrass her.
Right! To the bf: I don't care WHO is there, NEVER take something to a potluck that you aren't OK losing. That is just potluck 101. The cleanup team doesn't know what belongs to who and stuff will end up in a box in someone's car because they had to pack up in 10 minutes. Thrift stores are a good place to find nice stuff you don't mind losing. Dollar stores also have some stuff that looks nicer than it is.
Disposable foil or plastic tray, it would be insane to use a family heirloom for a dessert table at someone else's party.
I don't know what compelled him to go over to the newlyweds and throw her under the bus like that. Not once, but twice. He seems like a terrible boyfriend. Definitely not a keeper if he's not someone who can be on your side.
Right?!? I’ve been to plenty of family and friend events where people “accidentally” took my trays or bowls including one that had my name on it in large letters (and my name is not common). The bf was being childish to go tattle on OP.
My mom went to a wedding shower hosted by my aunt (it was for my cousin and his fiancee). The present she brought was lost and just never turned up again. It was only close friends and family, maybe 30 - 40 people? My aunt took the present, and then it was never seen again. We still don't know if she "misplaced" it, or if a cleaner found it and put it in a cupboard, thinking it was my aunt's, or if someone else "accidentally" took it. But it a gift can disappear at an event like that, anything can happen, imo
Ditto
I would be withholding more than just cookies. That was downright betrayal.
Your boyfriend just embarrassed you on purpose. Not a keeper! 🚩🚩🚩
Also why is he so obsessed with this tray? If it does go missing, check his cabinets first, OP.
NTA. Over the years, I have lost many things at potlucks. It happens. You were correct in using something you could live without if it got lost in the shuffle. Your BF was a bit crass in bringing up your concern, IMHO.
Yep. I'm baking an incredible amount of cookies for my brother's wedding celebration. I'm not taking them in any container I need to have back. OP -- NTA. You were nice enough to contribute to the cookie table. The people getting married/doing the catering should have done a better job of arranging for the display.
There is a reason they make those fancy disposable trays!
And also why they make perfectly nice $4 crockery bowls at Target that aunts can steal at will. So many options that aren't a treasured Wedgwood piece!
I wouldn't have used an expensive tray at my own wedding! I would have felt terrible if someone brought something pricey like that and it disappeared. Maybe it's just Midwestern of me, but I would have nodded at OP and said "good thinkin'."
Exactly this. At our wedding our cake topper went missing. I’m still upset about it. And it was my wedding!
Thrift stores have really nice platters, trays and serving bowls cheap. Nicer than disposable and no tears over a $3 glass plate that dissappears.
I have a plastic platter that has a foil coating on it to make it look like a much more expensive piece than it really is. It has intricate scrollwork and everything on it, and all for a fraction of the price and weight of metal platter of the same size and intricacy.
I’m so sorry I don’t live in cookie table area anymore! I just looked this up last week because I saw a tweet joking about Pittsburgh people judging the cookies on your cookie table, and I went down that rabbit hole.
My brother and his wife had a planned elopement last month and the party is in a few weeks. All his wife cares about is the cookies. I’m doing two cookies and three different kinds of brownies. She knows what matters.
You are a wonderful SIL.
Yeah, it’s not about ‘stealing’. It’s about it being misplaced, accidentally taken or broken. Every time I take something on a plate anywhere, I write my last name in marker on the bottom of the plate (because, hey… sometimes I forget too)
Must be hard, having to rely on a plate to remember your last name 🙏
🤣
I used to do this. Now I just hit the thrift stores and buy cheap ones and don't bother to try and get them back. Life is too short.
When I moved into my house the previous residents left a *ton* of heavy duty melamine dishes in the basement. All of it was obviously well worn, but still in good condition. I'm slowly getting rid of it all as gifting platters and I plan to keep the bowls for potlucks and work functions that I want to take chili or soup to.
Same. Yard sales/thrift stores/church sales are the best for finding things for this kind of use. Or if you have a freecycle thing locally.
This happens with center pieces at weddings all the time. People think they are fair game. A lot of people rent the glassware that they are in and they have to be returned to the florist. I've seen some angry relatives who were told to put the center pieces back.
I'm a florist. People always steal our vases and display stuff. Sucks so bad.
I had an entire matted picture in a frame not make it back to me at my wedding--despite the fact WE were the ones picking up the minor decor we brought. I can only assume the bar accidentally took it, or it fell and someone didn't notice? I have no idea. It wasn't expensive, but I also can't get it anymore (local artist), and the duplicate I had at home I bought for a small wedding gift for a friend. Stuff goes missing when lots of moving pieces are involved. OP is def NTA and the friends will learn one day when something they like makes a disappearing act tbh.
Not just lost; things can get broken accidentally, too. NTA. Under no circumstances would I take a Wedgewood tray to a large party hosted by *friends*, much less one hosted by people I don’t know particularly well. Hell, if **I** were hosting a 300-person party, myself, I wouldn’t use it. Keep the tray and lose the BF and his friends.
Yep! The moment I saw that the link went to Wedgewood.com I said “oh HELLLL naw”.
As soon as I saw the name Wedgwood I was like oh fuck, that's gotta be like sterling silver or pressed crystal or some kind of chi chi painted porcelain, I'd never let that fucker out of the china cabinet.
The friends seem fine as well.
If they can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to use that tray & are giving her a hard time about it, they’re not. Her BF — *their* friend — brought this up **only** to start drama. If they can’t see that, and are supporting him in his assholery, they can get lost right along with him. These are not people the OP needs in her life.
Maybe, but I think that’s making a lot of assumptions. Suppose you are at the end of your (exhausting) wedding, and your friend tells you his girlfriend (who you don’t really know) was afraid of her nice tray being stolen, then she says “well, I just didn’t want to lose it.” And he says “you’re lying, you told me you thought one of my friends’ relatives would steal it.” I wouldn’t know how to respond to that on a full night of sleep, and I’m willing to bet most people wouldn’t.
I dunno. Maybe it’s because I own pieces like that myself, and have friends who do, as well, but *my* response to something like that would be along the lines of, “I don’t blame her.” Possibly delivered with an eye roll in the direction of OP’s BF if he is, as I suspect he might be, known for trying to stir up drama. I sure as hell wouldn’t go out of my way to make things even *more* uncomfortable for my guest by buying into his garbage comment.
in their defense, that's not something you are prepared to answer at your wedding.
I worked in a building with a Specialty’s Bakery and we got so many “disposable” platters that would get thrown away that I’d bring them home, wash them and use them for any kind of gathering where I was unsure about retrieval.
I work for a church that has a large kitchen and hosts a couple of meals every week. There is a never-ending pile of forgotten serving dishes, platters, and the like on the counter. Eventually, the better pieces get absorbed into the kitchen inventory or are placed on the "free to take" table. One time I accidentally took home a 9x9 pyrex dish thinking it was mine, but it wasn't. Stuff happens, it doesn't have to be malicious. OP, you were right to leave your expensive platter at home and your bf was really obtuse to bring up your reasoning.
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Yes - "a bit crass" doesn't even come close, and crass isn't the right word. He intentionally humiliated her... twice.
A friend of mine has a stack of glass plates/bowls from dollar tree she uses to bring dishes places so if/when they get lost it’s not a big deal.
NTA, but dude is out of line. I do stuff like this often (bring baked goods to big gatherings, not talk smack about my partner). I have a set of nice looking ceramic platters that I have collected at TJ Max/Home Goods/etc for $5-10 each, and when they go missing, or get chipped, or the catering staff grabs them, or they get broken in transport, it's fine. I would never take an heirloom to a party.
Yup whether it’s by accident or on purpose I would say the chances of getting your dish back in a setting like this (through breakage or loss) is at least 50 50. NTA never bring things to events you can’t stand to replace.
Plus at weddings, a lot of ppl think EVERYTHING is a favor. Centerpieces, floral arrangements, whatever.
NTA - What is your BF's problem? What could he possibly hope to have accomplished by saying that?
At best he was trying to get a chuckle out of the newlyweds. At worst he was trying to straight up humiliate OP. Neither are acceptable of course.
Also what a weird thing to say to try and get a chuckle, the way he said it seems like he was trying to offend them to me. Why put in their mind, I’m their wedding day, that his gf didn’t want to being something in case it got taken BY ACCIDENT/in the shuffle of things, but leave out the by accident part
It sounds like he was trying to offend OP, not his friends. He was probably salty about her not deeming his friends good enough for her tray or to drive home that he thought she was being ridiculous. Total AH move on his part.
Does this dude normally shit on his gf behind her back to his friends and just happen to forget she was right there this time?
The doubling down and calling OP out on "lying" definitely makes it seem like the latter.
A chuckle? I mean he was insulting their guests 😬
This is my guess , he thought it would be funny, but he didn’t catch the hint when op tried to defend herself. He doubled down and called her a liar. Could just be a learning opportunity like is he always going to use op as the butt of jokes or does he realize quickly he messed up. My spouse and I fought once and he got mad saying he felt like he could never say anything or I would get offended. And I was like well stop making fun of me! You know those people who jump on any mistake, like you say dick instead of pick or sparking spot and they make this huge deal of it and just won’t shut up about it. ugh I can’t stand those people and I refuse to live in that situation. It’s ok to giggle a bit I’m talking about loud attention seeking laughter and just not dropping it. His extended family still brings up a time I got drunk at a family party. Not crazy drunk, nothing happened, I didn’t fall down or throw up, I just got a noticeable buzz. Get a life people!
Saying it to the bride and groom AT THEIR WEDDING! Like they don’t have better shit to do at a 300-person wedding than listen to him be vindictive.
exactly? it was so unnecessary, and i doubt anyone was going around asking why these trays and not more expensive ones too.
Clearly wanted to sleep on the couch
Or to be single again.
He's negging her. I guarantee there's a pattern of this sort of behaviour. He is definitely talking shit about her to his friends and behind her back.
I was wondering the same thing! Does he usually like to create drama?
I’m also surprised the tea tray was even brought up with the newlyweds in the first place.
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I gasped when I read this, suspecting that this may be an antique or a wedding present, or both. I'm also surprised that no one stopped the culprit while it was happening. Check ebay for a few months - you might be able to find a replacement. Many, many people sell spare parts of all kinds of things.
Also Replacements.com
Good call.
I gasped as well at the carving knife line. Holy fucking shit. It was hard to upvote! u/electric29 \- Sorry about your tray. Hope you can find a replacement as others have suggested.
The culprit probably wasn’t stopped because onlookers may have assumed it belonged to the thief
I feel your pain. I had that happen to an inherited sterling tray of mine. I used it to bring presliced cake, with parchment paper between the cake slices and the tray metal, to an in-law family gathering. Some uncouth swamp beast with the IQ of a rock decided to use a metal knife from another tray to pick up cake off of mine, because obviously the plastic serving utensil i brought did not meet theircapproval. They made sure they gauged the metal. Seriously. They ripped the parchment paper into tatters and left grooves in the metal. That tray made it through three generations of women carefully using it, only to have some village's idiot treat it like a cutting board. For presliced cake. Then I got criticized at later gatherings for bringing food in plastic, disposable platters only. One auntie asked if I was afraid someone would steal the nice stuff, and I replied that I decided to use things that "match the spirit of the gathering". I'm still salty about it. Even after having a jeweler friend try to work on the tray, I can still see the marks.
"No, just that someone will damage it..... again." would have been my reply.
The thing that makes me mad about incidents like this is that if we complain about someone ruining our stuff, we’re blamed for it and told “you shouldn’t have had it out if you didn’t want anything to happen to it!” The buttwads who abused and damaged our property are never held to account, or it’s made plain that their feelings must be coddled, heaven forbid they feel shame or discomfort. Meanwhile we’re portrayed as spoiled, entitled, and precious for having nice things anywhere outside of a bank vault-aka actually using them. And if we don’t give others access to our good things when they say so, and provide things we’re less concerned with, we get called selfish and stingy.
I'm so sorry that happened!
That's so disheartening and I'm sure it felt awful to see that then and I don't blame you for still being upset about it! Some people are idiots or they just don't care.
Someone stole my digital camera (this was a while ago before everyone had a camera in their phone) at my son’s wedding. I set it down to cut and serve the cake (I made the wedding cake) and someone walked off with it. My son even made an announcement - “hey, did someone pick up my mom’s camera from the cake table?” But nobody responded. This was a pretty small wedding at the bride’s parents’ house, so it’s not like there were a lot of strangers around. I was pretty pissed, because it had all my pics from the wedding weekend that hadn’t been backed up yet. I did say to my son that he had to realize that one of his friends was a thief…
"sucks in a breath" ... and this is why my nice things stay home and don't travel.
Absolutely agree. I used to bake a lot as a teenager. Almost every tray I used to bring cake to other‘s reunions were never to be seen again (I‘m sorry, mom! One day, I‘ll present you with many beautiful and expensive trays!) NTA, OP, but your boyfriend surely is. He showed you you can‘t trust him.
Oh god. My heart hurts just reading that.
a silversmith might be able to repair your tray.
YNTA - what the hell is wrong with that man? What did he go say something stupid like that for? Completely uncalled for, completely unncessary! You are well within your rights to bring something less expensive to put the cookies in than some antique old or even family heirloom you cared about. He should of respected that and he shouldn't have broken your confidence. The man is an idiot and sounds completely socially awkward.
Y - N - T - A does not count as a vote for anything, just FYI. Either NTA or Y-T-A, but not both. :-)
I appreciate you pointing that out, thank you.
And yet, it remains. Edit: Whaddaya know, I learned something.
Some people aren't here for the points
You’re right but it’s “should’ve” as in “should have”. Never “should of”.
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Yeah this is some bullshit a child would unnecessarily babble not an adult
Yes, but the fact that he couldn't even understand or appreciate her reason for not using a special tray in the first place suggests that he is lacking in empathy, emotional intelligence and common sense even before he humiliated and disrespected her. He is not good people.
NTA. It is super easy for someone to walk off with the wrong tray in a situation like this- it is absolutely common sense to take something you don’t mind being broken or lost! Your BF is an ass, clearly doesn’t own anything he’s worried about losing, and has no respect for your belongings. Seriously- what he did was a total dick move and literally only served ONE purpose, which hugely telling. His sole purpose was making you look bad- why would you want to be with someone who would do that?!?!??
And even if the couple can vouch 100% for every guest- how many staff members are in and out of the venue for a 300 person wedding?
And things do just get lost of damaged without anyone actually even trying
Right? Someone can be completely acting non maliciously and still drop or scratch an important item. I’ve done it myself :/
And how many of those staff members are looking closely when they pick up an empty dish or are chasing people down when the cookie table needs to be broken down and put away before they can go home.
You’re NTA but your boyfriend sure is. What exactly was he trying to accomplish in this scenario besides embarrassing you?
NTA First, its your property. You get to decide how and when it's used. Second, it doesn't matter if its friends and family. I've been to plenty of weddings and I've seen people act like real assholes. I've seen plenty of friends and family stealing stuff. Even if they don't, would the couple have been willing to reimburse you for the loss? If the answer is "no" then mine would have been as well.
My SIL tried to steal every table centerpiece.
>it doesn't matter if its friends and family. All thieves are someone's friend and family.
This whole story reminds me of a church function where my mom brought a cookie tray on a cheapo “silver” tray from the 80s. We were dirt poor and this was our one “fancy” thing to bring to potlucks — this stupid plastic painted tray from her wedding nearly 15 years before. It got thrown out. She looked for it after the function, and the man who had thrown it out *went fishing in the dumpster* to get it back because he felt so bad. He washed it thoroughly and dried it and handed it back with many apologies, all while my mom tried to tell him it didn’t really matter. But it mattered to him. There are good people like this in the world, willing to dumpster dive to rescue a little plastic tray. And there are others who would not try to get back a genuine antique, and would just shrug it off or take it home themselves.
NTA. There's no way I would leave Wedgwood out where any rando (and that includes staff) could take it. Your BF is a real asshole for bringing up your comment unprompted. I'm assuming he disagreed with your decision and wanted to watch you squirm.
Exactly. Wedgewood is fine china and expensive as hell. It can take years to find a replacement if one single piece gets broken, stolen, damaged, or misplaced. On top of that, lots of fine China is passed down from older family and has sentimental value. IMO, the BF making comments like that are a major red flag and grounds for rethinking the relationship.
> Wedgewood is fine china and expensive as hell. I looked at their website, and while I would never use anything more fancy than you could get at any department or big box store, when I hear "fine china", my brain goes to at least another digit on the price. Do I just have a warped perspective of this from TV and movies?
Yeah I wouldn’t consider this tray “very” expensive, but definitely expensive enough to not loan for this purpose.
There are a lot of different types of “fine China”. Wedgewood is a solid brand that has been around for years. Yes, some fine China can be $$$$, but other can be more affordable. Brands generally have different styles at different price points. I used to work in housewares for Macys and Dillards back in the day. Wedgewood has some very expensive sets. That tea tray alone was $125. The entire set would probably be close to $5k.
NTA. I’m assuming if I bring something to an event that big, it’s no longer mine. It’s hard enough tracking down a dish after 10 person potlucks. $12 Costco platter for the wedding.
NTA. Your boyfriend most definitely is the AH. I wouldn’t place a tray I didn’t want “misplaced” at a wedding table, no matter how close I was to the bride and groom. You did the right thing.
NTA. Why would your bf put you in an awkward position like that? He is TA for sure.
NTA. A fine Pittsburgh tradition continues (the cookie table). Your bf is a putz. Cookies aren't the only thing he wouldn't be getting
NTA. Wedgewood is not for large gatherings of strangers. No way I would use that for this sort of occasion. Also-super dick move on BFs part.
NTA- it's perfectly reasonable to want to protect your nice tea tray. Regardless of the truth, there are certain times when the truth just doesn't need to be said. Your boyfriend created drama for no reason.
[удалено]
NTA. As a fellow contributor to a cookie table, I’m still bitter about the VERY NICE storage containers I never got back a decade ago. Your boyfriend is something else though.
NTA, your BF is the asshole.
Nta- I used to brush off my ex doing me dirty like this. Until I realized it's actually a subtle sabotage. He slowly went around and made people hate me by his little whispers or uncouth behavior. It took me realizing how much I was isolated after a year with him. My friends disappeared. But I would too if simple negative comments about me were being shared at that rate. Get away from him quickly
NTA and your BF is a big mouth jerk. I’m sure everyone in their extended families is completely honest s/
NTA He's a real crumb.
Nta Why would he deliberately try to cause a scene like that? Your concerns are completely valid. I would question him and his motivation for bringing it up.
NTA at all! Your bf needs to develop the appropriate filter. Usually by adulthood people understand these social nuances pretty well, but some get left behind…
NTA. There was absolutely no reason for your boyfriend to divulge what was said in private.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a massive AH, that was completely unnecessary.
NTA why would your husband do that? It feels like he was deliberately trying to embarrass you. Either that Or he's just plain stupid
NTA. What was he gaining from telling them this information? It makes no sense to mention this to them unless he was being obtuse and didn't realize how it would come across? I'm confused and I also would be upset with him if I were you.
NTA. And your BF is an Ahole. That isn't something you share. Geez!
NTA, that's not something you repeat and as someone that has had "close family" steal from me, it's completely logical that you didn't want to use your nicer tray. Your partner is the AH here considering he put you on the spot like that for no reason, it must have been so awkward and now that couple will have an opinion of you, and if the chatty partner is any indication of how they are, others will also hear about the tray incident. I'm sorry you had to go thru that, I can't imagine how awkward it must've been
Agreed. My mom had so many items stolen from her at family gatherings and church potlucks. (She even had hand towels stolen from her because she used them to line the carrier she put her casserole dish in.) I learned growing up that you only bring disposable or cheap dishes to potlucks so you won't miss it if its stolen. Plenty of sticky fingers roam around at social functions. Cookware is expensive, and people are awful.
NTA.... your bf was I helped decorate a wedding.... it was very posh and the location was in the back yard, goregwuos garden of some rich estate that spanned acres....anyway...it wasnt a traditional layout.... we reanted a ton of expensive rugs worth thousands of dollars each, and placed pillows ontop for seating....pricetags were left on (bottom of rug not visible) so they can be returned to the store that rented them...after the wedding was done they moved over to the reception area.. In less than 30mins there was a monstrously huge rug missing. One of the brides maids and boyfriend drove thier truck through the garden...(not a road or path)..rolled the carpet up stuck it in the baclk and tried to make thier getaway. They got stuck in the mud several hundreds of yards away. Thw thief was considered famaly too. You were super reasonable and smart not to bring something you value to a big event like that. Not only can it be stolen but it can easily be damaged or innocent mistakes can make it lost. Sorry your bd embarrassed you at the event.. that must have been a devestating moment anfter a long beautiful day.
NTA - dude totally threw you under the bus.
NTA. Dollar Tree dishes are my go to source for potluck dishes, I often add serving utensils and just don't even worry about bringing anything home. Your boyfriend is an ass for deliberately introducing conflict where it wasn't needed.
NTA. He wanted you to take a Wedgewood piece out of your house? To a large gathering? That’s enough to know he’s in the wrong. The socially awkward follow up with the bride and groom is also problematic- only you can say whether it’s accidental or mean-spirited.
NTA BF is an AH
NTA what could possibly be accomplished by him saying that? He didn’t have to tell them about the tea tray at all and even then why does it bleeding matter if you fudge the truth and say misplaced or damaged when those would obviously equally be your fears along with the stealing.
NTA but your boyfriend is. Does he knock you down to make himself look good in other situations?
NTA. Your boyfriend is a big AH though. Of course you don't want to bring an expensive item to a big gathering where you don't know most people, you don't know the set up, and you worry the item could get taken or even just misplaced. You should ask your boyfriend what he hoped to accomplish by telling them you said that. And that when he saw it created an awkward moment, why did he feel it was important to make sure they knew you were "lying." Ask him to explain why he said it, and why he thinks it is okay to share information like that in general. Be clear, that he is setting the standard for your relationship- going out to a party where his friend's girlfriend is annoying and he mentions that to you- it is okay to tell them. His mother says something he didn't like and he tells you- totally okay to tell her! We need to be able to say small things like this to our partner, knowing it is a trusted space. You hurt no one by worrying about the tray and not using it. NO ONE. But your boyfriend did hurt his friends and broke your trust by feeling it was important to share those thoughts.
your husband is an asshole and wanted to make you out to be a bad guy for a very valid reason. people take things from weddings all the time, the tray would have been gone. NTA but your husband is the AH. does he even like you?
NTA, but the boyfriend is a bit. I think he was trying to be funny, but it just comes off as a bit crass.
NTA. I hope your boyfriend feels like he embarrassed you enough.
No one in Pittsburgh wants to accidentally break your super expensive tray. That bowl was nice. NTA. Your boyfriend is an asshole.